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jankwritten · 1 year

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i think one of my biggest gripes with TSATS is the sentence structure and the way that things are phrased.

Sentence structure: the book is CONSTANTLY using ", and", or "then", or "but" instead of splitting up a phrase into two separate sentences. Once I noticed it, I couldn't stop noticing it. In some places it works fine, but right out the gate, as the first line of chapter one, it 1) caught my attention in a negative way and 2) felt immediately clunky and awkward.

The way that the book demonstrates action also feels unnatural and doesn't flow as well as it could. Things are described as happening "now", such as when Kayla takes her lolipop out of her mouth and holds it at her side, the book narrates it as "now holding the lolipop at her side". We didn't SEE that action occur, we're just being described the RESULT of the action, does that make sense? As a reader, you want to SEE the action, you want to SEE her tug the lolipop out of her mouth, see her hand hang by her side as her expression pinches with anxiety over the discussion. We don't want to just be told that "now" her lolipop is out of her mouth, y'know?

There are also sentences that just feel flat out unedited, phrases that have too many words for what they want to accomplish, or with a structure that doesn't make sense - like on page 56, the sentence "They raced up the steps to the platform, Nico easily outrunning his boyfriend, though that was mostly due to Will having to get his land legs again."

First of all - why are they running up the platform? In the previous line, where we're told their cab driver got them to the station with 6 minutes to spare, the specific choice of saying "to spare" makes it sound like there is plenty of time to make it to their train. In the sentences after, we even learn that Nico and Will wound up waiting for their train anyway, so, the fact that they're running when Will feels sick reads...weird, to me. If I was car sick, and then somebody forced me to run for no reason, I would not be a happy camper.

Second of all - The addition of the final third of the sentence, after the second comma, should be it's own phrase. It should be given it's own space, like "(though that was mostly because Will didn't have his land legs back yet)." because it's not important information, just an offhanded comment Nico is making.

Third of all - "though that was mostly due to" and "having to get his" are clunky and wordy. It could've just been "Nico easily outrunning his boyfriend, who didn't have his land legs back yet." It's a smoother sentence that doesn't get bogged down by the extra words.

And that's just one instance. This book is LOADED with moments like this, where action will get lost in a sentence's wordiness. The book tries to be quick and snappy, in Riordan's style, but it fails because it can't quite nail down the phrasing.

There are also moments where the only thing the characters are interacting with is each other, only grinning, grimacing, sighing, glancing at one another, etc etc, instead of doing actions while they speak. Fidgeting with their hands, shifting from side to side, looking away at their surroundings, that kind of stuff is how you convey a MOOD. Body language is important when writing character conversations!! Is somebody relaxed, or are their shoulders tensed up, arms folded across their chest with their muscles flexed, leaning back on one leg with their body halfway tilted away, as if they were ready to flee at a moment's notice? These are the kind of details that I'm missing in TSATS, the kind of things that feel like they're missing.

I also have a lot of gripes with the dialogue itself.

People don't talk like they do in TSATS. The content of what they're saying is realistic enough, sure, yeah, but the specific way that a lot of the dialogue is phrased? It doesn't feel natural. Try reading some of the sentences out loud without editing any of the words. It doesn't sound the way a human being SPEAKS.

THAT'S what I mean when I say these characters are OOC. The way that they're speaking is uncomfortable and feels as if they're being used as a puppet, or a mouthpiece for what somebody ELSE wants them to say.

#tsats #tsats spoilers #like just from a reader's standpoint this book feels offputting and weird!!!#it makes me genuinely want to do a rewrite where I go through and I don't change any of the plot #I don't change any of how anything goes #I just edit the phrasing and dialogue to make it more natural #the book sets no mood!!!! it doesn't commit to itself!!! it tries to be too many things at once and doesn't fully settle onto any of them #and then comes out SWINGING when it does try to do something which just comes across as heavy handed pandering !!!!!#GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#like I want Nico and Will to be consistent with how they feel throughout the book. I want them to DEMONSTRATE #Consistency and not constantly swinging between their extremes of being scared or angry or sad #I want them to slowly become more and more skeptical of each other until they're forced to come to terms with the fact that #they both have darkness inside of themselves and each other that they have to accept and love!!!#I see so many people who are like 'omg but they talk to each other about their feeligns!!!! it's so sweet!!!!' when the 'talking' they do #isn't anything SUBSTANTIAL. Throughout the whole beginning of the book Nico is writing off Will's fears about tartarus and ignoring #everybody being concerned for him and he doesn't talk about any of it! THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!!!!#ugh. just. ugh.#pjo #nico di angelo #will solace

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castielsprostate · 9 months

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having talented friends is so wild!!!!!! like. YOU!!!!!!!!!! YOU made THAT. YOU DID THAT?!?!?!?! YOU created!!!! THAT!!!!!!!!!!! WOAH!!!!!! praise!!!!!!!! praise for one thousand years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#sjonnie.text #this is about any skill by the way #writing art music crochet knitting editing #literally so so so so wild #yes this is about isaac and cody and taylor and nick and joey and dean and rain and mer and greg and jo and amanda and pie and zeph and jes #and daphne and jack and merv and angie and #sam and dex and jenna and tj and nahla and jenny and val and em and literally every single other one of my mutuals!!!!!!!! GAH!!!!!#you all are so talented it's SO cool #40k

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ruporas · 3 days

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