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jaydenchip404 · 2 months

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Big Rant

I really need to trauma dump right now. So, serious stuff ahead.

Just so you know, I'm not suicidal right now. I've been clean from self-harm for 5 years now!

(my phone wallpaper for reference (higher quality re-creation of another wallpaper))

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I WANT to be asexual. I WANT to not be attracted to anyone. For being on the a-spec, I don't understand asexuality. I made a post a while ago saying that I might be aceflux because sometimes I don't feel aroused in situations when I should be. But @Rainyve said that many people believe asexuals always have a low libido, which is false, and try to invalidate high libido asexuals, as they are two different things.”. So I just assume being asexual means not desiring sexual encounters/activities, whether they do or don't have a libido. I don't know at all. I have a normal to high libido, but I don’t want to have sex with anyone. It’s just so confusing.

Obsessing over my LGBTQIA+ labels—it's like this desperate attempt to divert myself from how utterly, painfully suicidal I feel. If I can convince myself I'm unique, maybe there's a reason to stick around. But then I'm left wondering if I'm genuinely queer or if I'm just masking, just trying to force myself into a mold to make life seem less empty, less pointless.

But, like, reading about all the different types of attractions makes me question everything. I get them mixed up because I find them hard to understand. Like isn’t sensual attraction just romantic attraction?

I want to go unlabeled and just exist as an entity that does or doesn’t feel things (bisexual and aromantic), but my OCD is forcing me to find that ONE label, that ONE term that encompasses me as a person. It’s just SOOOO much all at once. My anxiety about this is eating me. But not as bad as school and work have been eating me recently, but that’s another story. It's suffocating, it's exhausting, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it together.

I can’t talk to anyone about this either. Not my family, and I don’t have IRL friends. And people online can’t do much but act as a therapist for my trauma dumping. I feel bad for them.

I’m playing it fast and loose having my phone wallpaper having the bisexual flag colors. And whenever someone sees it they just get really quiet, but never say anything.

I’m so utterly alone in all this. I don’t know what to do… I guess living in my head and dating my fictional OCs or other characters is the best thing for me to do right now. Just fantasizing about my OTP dating.

I both do and don’t want to get my life together. I want to be me, but I don’t know how to accomplish my end goal.

I want to lose a ton of weight, dye my hair bright teal, clear up my acne, wear cute clothes (either E-girl or grunge), learn how to do makeup, and do testosterone but only to the point that it makes me look androgynous (mainly my voice), embrace being a butch, move into a cute little house that I can make look cottagecore (with fairy lights and polaroid pictures), get a girlfriend or boyfriend or joyfriend (or all at the same time!), make a ton of friends, get diagnosed with the proper mental disorders, get proper treatment for my mental disorders, be happy, visit my family very little, write books, become a (best selling) fantasy author, go to college, become a nurse, get married, have 3 children MAX, die old and happy.

I’m aegoromantic, aegosexual, agender, aplatonic, asocial, aurorian, biromantic, bisexual, cisgender, demiboy, demigirl, demisensual, expressionfluid, fictoromantic, genderfluid, genderless, gendervoid, greyromantic, ideaesthetic, idemromantic, lunoric, mascpotius, monoflexible, neutral, non-binary, panpronominal, panto-, perifluid, pronounfluid, tomboy, transmasculine.

This feels like it’s TOO many labels. But I’m unsure how to narrow this down without causing me dysphoria.

I haven't had a crush since 5th grade so I don't know how to deal with romance.

To put that into perspective, I'm 17, and 5th grade is around 10 to 11 years old. I haven't had a crush since I was around 11 years old, since I was held a year back, so I haven't had a crush in 6 years.

I still get 'crushes' (mainly on fictional characters (mainly girls)) but I don't ever want to be in relationships of any type with anyone.

I don't know. I want to be different but in the same way as everyone else.

My mom and I were chatting about my upcoming birthday, and I just can't stand it. In a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, I joked about needing to start paying rent soon. And ya know what she said? She dropped this bomb on me, like it was nothing. 'You'll have to start footing the bill for your own food, clothes, and gas once you're driving.' It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't want any of this. I don't want to grow up, to shoulder all these responsibilities. The mere thought of it sends me spiraling into despair. It's suffocating, this weight pressing down on me, crushing any semblance of hope or joy I ever had. I feel like I'm drowning, utterly alone in this vast ocean of adulthood.

And what's worse, I'm expected to fend for myself on a measly $200 a week. It's laughable, really. How am I supposed to survive on that? It's a cruel joke, a slap in the face from life itself. So, the total cost for just 1 week could range from approximately $330 to $420, depending on my specific circumstances and choices with my money.

Right now, I'm drowning in this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I can't see a way out, can't find a glimmer of light in this suffocating darkness. It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, and the only way out seems to be to just let go and fall.

For my 18th birthday, my mom suddenly decides to remember the promises she made way back when I turned 10. Talk about dragging her feet! She acts like she's doing me some huge favor by finally following through now that I’m an adult.

She's all like, 'Oh, you can shave the side of your head.' Like, seriously? I've been waiting for ages for her to come around on this, and now she acts like it's some big revelation now that I'll be an adult. I guess I'll just go with the side shave since it's not like it's permanent or anything. And then there's the whole 'getting my ears double pierced' thing. Again, something she promised years ago and conveniently forgot about until now.

Oh, and let's not forget the new phone and phone case she's throwing in as if that somehow makes up for all the years of broken promises. Yeah, thanks, Mom, but a little consistency would've been nice.

I made the mistake of showing my mom some stuff on my Pinterest—ya know, cute haircuts, outfits, things I've been dreaming about since I was a kid. But then, horror of horrors, she accidentally stumbled upon my other boards when attempting to switch apps. The ones that scream LGBTQIA+ loud and clear, with a literal board titled 'My Type' featuring pretty girls and boys I find attractive.

I felt my heart drop to the floor. Panic set in like a tidal wave. What if she saw? What if she realized? The fear was paralyzing.

To make matters worse, she kept jumping out of Pinterest to Amazon on my phone’s web browser. And then it happened. She caught a glimpse of my phone background—a vibrant, unmistakably bisexual 90s pattern that I created during slow periods at work. I held my breath, waiting for her reaction, but she didn't say a word. Didn't even look at me.

I don't think it registered with her. Thank God for small mercies. But the fear, the sheer terror of being exposed, was suffocating.

I'm really struggling right now. The weight of it all feels unbearable. I can't shake this overwhelming sense of depression. The thought of stepping into adulthood terrifies me to my core.

I mean, look at me. I won't even graduate high school until I'm 19, or maybe even 20 if I can't pull through this trimester. It's like I'm stuck in this perpetual limbo, watching everyone else move forward while I'm trapped in place, suffocating under the pressure to grow up.

And what awaits me? A life of endless toil, paycheck to paycheck, with no room for happiness, no room for fun, no room for friendships or meaningful connections. Just the daily grind, from 9 to 5, until I'm too exhausted to even think.

And don't even get me started on college. The cost is astronomical, a barrier so high it might as well be insurmountable. How am I supposed to afford $3,000 for community college, let alone $50,000 for a private institution? It's a cruel joke, a slap in the face to anyone who dares to dream of a better future.

I'm beginning to see why kids as young as 13 are scrambling to get jobs. In a world where money reigns supreme, where success is measured in dollars and cents, it's like we're set up to fail from the start. If you're not born into wealth or stumble into fame, you might as well kiss any hopes of a bright future goodbye.

I'm drowning in hopelessness here. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, no glimmer of hope to cling to. It's like I'm trapped in a never-ending nightmare, with no way out.

I care more about my sexuality than I do my gender. I know I'm genderfluid between man, woman, agender/genderless/gendervoid, non-binary, and pangender, end of story. My sexuality is just confusing, like I like all genders, but only boys and girls (NOT male and female)???? It's like I'm bisexual and pansexual at the same time. I mainly just go with bisexual since it means 2+, and I'm fine with that. But my romantic/other orientation is what makes me mad, I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. I like greyromanitc, but it's just a loose, fits all, term. I both do and don't experience romantic attraction. It's just so confusing and making me mad that I can't find the perfect label and stuff.

My identity crisis, school, work, growing up, my mom, my personal life, it’s all so suffocating.

I DO NOT want to be real. I want to be in my own fan fiction. My perfect fantasy world. I want to be a witch so bad and wield magic. I would do anything to not live in reality.

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