#SERIOUSLY IF ANYONE HAS ANY FUCKING ADVICE ID LOVE SOME BECAUSE I AM SO SO INCREDIBLY BAMBOOZLED AT THIS CURRENT MOMENT
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what the fuck is this am i having a gay awakening or something???
i don’t like this give my lack of attraction back please give it back give it back give it back
#WHY MEEEE#im so mad at this#just when i think i’ve figured it out this pretty mess of a boy shows up on my screen and i MELT#WHATS GOING ON#aro tag#<<< i GUESS?? idfk though i guess because apparently i’m not as aro as i thought i was#the ever entertaining game of do i want him or do i want to be him continues#usually it’s easy but this one passed my foolproof “can i picture myself snogging him and not cringe” test#WHAT THE FUCK I’M NOT COOL WITH THERE BEING A PERSON OUT THERE ID BE THEORETICALLY WILLING TO SWAP SPIT WITH#EVERYTHING FEELS WRONG NOW#SERIOUSLY IF ANYONE HAS ANY FUCKING ADVICE ID LOVE SOME BECAUSE I AM SO SO INCREDIBLY BAMBOOZLED AT THIS CURRENT MOMENT#vent#i suppose#im feeling very insecure in my identity right now
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the caller you have reached (chris evans x reader)
pairing: chris evans x fem!reader
summary: chris was trying to drunkenly call the woman he loved and wanted to get back with but instead he reaches you, a shrink.
warning: swearing (sailor level), brief mentions of mental health
**IMPORTANT disclaimer: I won't be dabbling into the hard hitting topics of mental health in this short only because I'm not a certified health professional and so I can't be providing a written, unbiased, often characterized diagnosis towards any sort of mental health disorder because really, those types of sensitivities need proper care and output. With that being said, I do want to emphasize the notions of seeking help and not being afraid to seek help when needed. It's hard, but we all fight a battle and no battle is big or small or better or worse.
If my followers or readers do feel the need to privately chat with me, I'm here and I can you lend you an ear. Otherwise let's be kind and uplift another while we can. No harm in doing good and being better, that's for sure!
-end rant-
This short is dedicated to the following lovelies:
@princess-evans-addict
@mrs-djokovic
@slut-for-chris-evans
@saltyflowermakertaco
@bitchyslut99
@patzammit
@itskikiyooo
@maximeevansblog
Being a working adult is dreadful but the work you do is the most fulfilling kind of anarchy. You are a therapist, you work to heal and you work together with people who willingly reach out to you and your facility of care. There is that balance, the altering nuances in between that allows you to do what you do best. You advocate for good prosperity of mental health and accolade of teachable moments that fosters a safe space for your clients, not patients, but the people who deserve to be heard and not be medically categorized.
Your salubrious passion keeps you grounded. In your lifetime, you've seen the imperial impacts of poor mental health and it has been a detrimental drive in how you retreat and give back to a small found community.
"Okay." You exhale to yourself while leafing through another client chart. You're working off the clock, stuck in the renaissance of your homey office space while the outside world turns pitch black.
In the appropriate fields you jot down important takeaways from your last sit in session with heavy concertation and reasoning, you try to congregate a treatment plan all before you cellphone cries for you in venturous fashion.
"Hello?" You answer without checking the caller ID, tucking the device between your ear and shoulder so that way you could work and talk.
"Jenny!" The man boisterously shouts. "Jenny baby please talk to me! Let me make it up to you, let's just do this right, please. I'm fucked up here."
"I'm sorry but you have the wrong number." You infringe sounding like the posh, automated answering machine lady.
"Oh what the fuck Jenny — oh cah'mon don't do that, don't be like that baby." You re-verify a local number and it doesn't belong to anyone you know of. So you wonder who this man is but choose not to press further instead you tell him what is right from the knowing wrong.
"I'm not Jenny."
"Seriously?" He yells, forcing you to hold the phone away from your ear. "That can't be... This is—" He recites the number that is similar to yours but the last two digits are off.
"You got 42, not 53." It's an easy mistake to recall, a swipe of a drunken thumb could've mixed that up, so this time around, you're forgiving. Not that it happens often.
"Oh no. That's—" The mystery man trails, something about his voice discerns you, it's familiar but in a hindbrain way that you can't put a finger on. "Fuuuuuuuck."
"Wait hold on, hold up, is this Jenny's assistant, Nina?" You exhale sharply sometimes it takes more than one try and a side of convincing to get your point across and your passiveness was certainly to blame.
"No I'm not her assistant either."
"Then who the hell are you?" He exasperates. You make the snide mistake of telling him your name and he buffers for a bit.
"Oh. So you really aren't anyone of my concern then?"
"No." You mildly retort. "I wouldn't want to be anyways."
"Okay well I'm not sorry then because I'm here trying to reach my girlfriend and I can't get to her because I have you on the line being a smartass." With that accent of his you can tell he's a patriotic Bostonian. One of your own kind and that furloughs your need to engage in this mindless drivel, it wouldn't get you or him anywhere. At least that's what you tell yourself before shutting him down.
"Well then maybe you should learn to listen first, how about that?" You snap, dropping your pen before you note down angry nonsense into your actual work.
"Hey nowwww!" He yells as if he's trying to be Hank Kinsley.
"It's clear that you're drunk."
He brushes you off on the other end, enigmatic in what he wants you to know. "This is Chris Evans, you're talking to Chris-motherfucking-Evans, you hear?"
"I do now." You say tersely.
"Good." He huffs. "Good... Cause you know I'm in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and this is what I get. This is what I seemingly deserve, god you women I swear..."
Your face changes. You don't agree to be a lending ear but somehow Chris forces you to hear him out.
"I told her Y/N. I TOLD her that I wasn't ready to take the next step but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be with her. And now she throws it back in my face by getting with some other guy she once dated back in high school. And somehow, I'm supposed to be ok with it and move on, as she tells me. How the hell am I supposed to do that, huh?"
"I, um, I don't know what to tell you." You sigh somberly.
"Of course you don't!" His Boston twang begins to nerve you as there some remitting frequency of it. Hearing him obnoxiously go off, reminds you of all your shrewd New England exes who were his exact counterpart when soused. A ludicrous memory that you relive again with time and perfect harmony.
"Listen lady all I'm saying is that I fucked up. I know I did alright? I mean it doesn't take much denominational math and the plot of Lost in Translation to get that. I get it!"
Jesus. You whisper the lords name in vain as you lean your forehead against the palm of your hand while your elbow rested on top of the desk.
"So, let me get this straight, you think yelling at a random woman will help get further?" You question a little acutely for his liking.
"I don't know but it sure as hell takes off the heat, sweetheart." Something about a man calling you sweetheart grinds your gears and now your molars.
"Okay, alright, let's talk." You begin, sitting up a bit and tearing out a blank page from your memo pad; you were doing a late night consultation, a small hash out.
"Schuwaaaaa." Chris enunciates the word sure and to much of his mayhem, he’s sprawled out on the curbside, somewhere in the nowhere land of L.A. He contented but also upset and you were simply crashing his little pity party.
"What is it that you want from Jenny?" You professionally prod. "How about we start there."
"Wooooah, what is that we're doing here?” Chris gets mildly defensive with you. “I dunno you like that. If we're gonna talk then you'll have to get through my publicist first because right now I plead the fifth.”
You exhale a deep and fulsome breath. No one troubles you like him. It's sanctimoniously unnerving.
"I'm a shrink, my job isn’t meant to incriminate my clients well-being, or anyone else’s for that matter.” You address calmly. “So, if you do require some solicited advice then we can keep this call under strict confidence. You have my word, Mr. Evans and the paperwork that will follow shortly after this call.”
Silence. There is some shocking silence which is brief before you're catapulted with disbelief and more cackles. "Holy mother fucking shit. You're kidding me?"
"I can run you by my credentials if you’d like?” You mention stiffly.
"God I’ve reached a cuckoo hotline!" Wrong. That's a horrible thing to say and you'd think a man like him would've been more sensitive about his choice of words, inebriated or not.
"Far from it."
"Tell me something, alright? How many grown, adult men come crying to you?" Chris is edging with curiosity even though his eyes are betrayingly reddened after crying into a bottle of Dewars 18. He doesn't make that known to you and you never cared to ask.
"Enough to know that they cry." You simply state.
"Huh. So this is just another Tuesday for you then.” Chris scoff, the bottle making it to his lips and then swishing back down again.
"Comes with the territory except I don't tolerate drunkenness." You motely add. "Can you keep the bottle aside for the time being? Just until we're done here."
"That's understandable and oh yeah sure, sure, I won't touch it." You can hear the glass bottle 'clink' when coming into contact with the pavement.
"Now tell me about Jenny." You softly inquire.
"What do you wanna know? How we fuck or how we met?" Chris giggles like a naughty school yard boy.
"How did you two meet?" You slam the words urgently, nearly spelling out the cause.
"Oh! Oh. We met on the job." Chris chuckles punitively.
"Okay and did you guys connect instantly or was there a slow build up?" You involuntarily took notes for any PR rep of his that wanted solid evidence that would preside this call, cover your bases and your poor ass along with it.
"Instantly. Our chemistry read was off the charts." He explains with a slight hiccup. "Sorry."
"Great. So it was more so a work relationship that later grew into something more correct?"
"Pretty much."
"So when did you start developing feelings for her?"
"Um I'd say..." Chris tucks his chin, burps and then excuses himself before continuing. "Just before we wrapped up filming. But then I think somewhere in between all that I realized that she was my kind of girl, my... better half."
"And what made you come to that realization?"
"Well for one she has this infectious laugh that would have you laughing with her, there's that sound of beauty and pureness to it. And then with that, there were all the little things she'd do for me that made me think, like damn she's the one, she's it for me and that for better or for worse, I'd need her more than she'd ever need me."
Chris gets sad and you feel for him. Your pen stops moving when you were about to prescribe him some mind memory exercises. He was human. Humans hurt. Humans make mistakes. Humans stray but they also love. That's all Chris did. He loved with all of his heart to not expect the same love in return.
"You know Chris, we don't always get the love we deserve and sometimes its sucks. Sometimes you wanna kick it back with a bottle of Dewars 18 and shake your fists in the air." Chris quietly perks up at your choice of alcohol that you didn't know he was forcefully downing. He fashions a small half smile that you don't see but hear faintly. "But there's also a time and a place and things happen, people come apart, people get together, people do people and there's that fine line of letting life run its uneven course."
"I mean you sometimes have to not be okay to be okay again and I know that from my many years of helpful healing. It gets okay, never fully better and I think that's just how it is. You acknowledge your pain, your trauma and then you go on while being mindful of that transition."
"Wow."
"Hey, um, look, I actually have to get going. But if you can, just down the rest of that bottle and get yourself home."
"Are you sure?" Chris gawks.
"I mean you were already halfway through and it's not like I can physically stop you, right? And besides this is what I'm prescribing to you. I want you to acknowledge your pain, drink away your sorrows and then smash that bottle so you can be relieved from that trauma and hurt. After that you need to fix up and start new, have a mature conversation with her, if you can and then have your feet hitting the ground again. Don't fall into the routine of heartbreak even if it becomes too hard, you hear me?"
"Loud and clear."
"Good." You sniff and start to put things away. "I know you're a good guy Chris, from how you are on TV and in interviews, I'm amazed by how articulate you are. You have the right mindset so I have no doubts that you'll fall back in any way. But if you do, please don't hesitate to reach out, I might have to hand you off to another cohort but nonetheless it can be worked out even if it does feel like you might be sparring on your own. You'll get the help you need."
"Great, thanks." Chris responds in his conscious state of thought. He feels pathetic with himself and that doesn't have you galling over the fact, instead you let him be.
"Do you need me to order you an Uber? Cab? Call a friend for ya?" You laugh easily and Chris hears it clearly, smiling in return.
"An Uber would be nice. I'll try to share you my location."
"Sure, on me and that'd be great."
"Thanks."
"No problem... And your ride should be here in two minutes, just look out for Raul in black Elantra." You inform him after checking your phone.
"Nice."
"You have a goodnight now Chris."
"You too." The line cuts and you're given a piece of your life back. You gather your belongings, flip off the light switch and make your way home. There's some truth and some brokenness in every situation. You knew Chris was going to be OK even if he didn't consult you afterwards. For you, there was no need. He's a smart man and he proves this over a prolonged period of time when he finally finds himself back on the market and then eventually in a relationship with a faceless and very loving woman from his own hometown.
He was finally happy, making you serendipitously glad that you were the caller he had reached.
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stfu just say you're a snowflake. they them isn't singular and your "identity" labels aren't even real, like seriously you're gay or straight or a girl a boy or a tranny stop lying to yourself and see a fucking therapist you dumb faggot
Hello there, anon!
See, usually, I’d simply discard your message and laugh about how pathetic you are to my friends over discord (some can confirm that I’m doing this there too <3) but fuck it! I’m feeling combative tonight and I’m procrastinating, so I might as well waste my time making you feel special like a snowflake
Let’s break this down in order of appearance:
1. Pronouns!
Singular they IS in fact proper grammatically. Singular they is used for some nonbinary individuals, *like myself* as well as in context to an unknown person (i.e. someone left their phone here, if anyone saw who they were, please give it to them)
(official Merriam-Webster dictionary def)
so yeah, fuck off about that <3
2. Identity
I... *inhales*
YOU DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND LABELS FOR THEM TO BE VALID!
ADDITIONALLY
you say it’s boy/girl/trans-spec but then what about intersex people? Intersex individuals have biological factors that aren’t catergorized as male or female sexes. (XXY, XXX, XXYY chromosome anomalies, as well as hormone imbalances, and discrepancies in genital development)
//for the lovely humans reading this, please look into intersex youth rights and protections, as some can undergo forced genital mutilation surgeries at a young age to “better align” with M/F sexes. InterACT is a great advocacy resource btw//
✨Biological sex isn’t binary either✨
Also, fun fact! Attempting to invalidate my identity isn’t going to change anything. Why?
This is the happiest I’ve ever been about who I am
Gender and sexuality are fluid, and one packet of gelatin isn’t going to harden the Thames
my partners and I will happily engage in a swordfight with you and your partner (if one is present) mind you, there’s three of us and at most two of you, and two of my team are skilled with the blade. And we’re all highly motivated
dude, I’m just as confused as you are, I’m just vibing with what’s comfortable
oh... and also?
That shit’s fucking legal. Feel free to look at my State ID, my gender is legally marked ‘X’
soooooo yeah have fun with that
3. Lying to myself
Honey, of the pair of us, I’m the one that’s speaking publicly. Did I have to post this? Nope. Am I doing it anyway? Yep.
I lie to myself about a lot of things, this ain’t one of them, babe.
4. Therapy
I am actually seeing a therapist! She’s awesome, and I’ve been going for about a month and a half now. She specializes in working with LGBTQIA+ youth, and has a really compatible mindset with how I process trauma and things that I’ve held onto.
Moral of the story, therapy is absolutely amazing, especially with someone that can understand you. 11/10 would recommend.
Thanks for the advice there, though.
5. Dumb f*ggot
*rubs my grubby lil hands together with enough force to generate static electricity*
Welcome to tonight’s Everything Was Fine But You Just Fucked Around... Time To Find Out segment
Intelligence is entirely circumstantial, so honestly not sure how to reply to that. But if I’m dumb, and you’re the one that doesn’t comprehend basic usage of common words and phrases... what does that make you?
As for your tasteless and unoriginal phrasing, all I can say is I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in you. There are SO MANY big and beautiful monsterous phrases for you to call me! Hell, make your own.
You might actively GAIN respect from me for some. SO MANY OPTIONS. There’s a whole bank of potential for you, I mean Niobium? The element for one of my names, it’s a transition metal you’ve got so many fucking choices there, and each is as epically transphobic as you could possibly dream of. Talk shit about bees, idk. Hell, call me a cuckolding bleach-drenched shitstain!
Finally, to my followers and mutuals
Hey loves! Sorry you had to read all of that, people suck, huh?
But hey, I was honestly looking for a good chance to word-vomit about a couple things, so this worked out nicely.
I’m fine. This genuinely had me laughing and giggling at the sheer dumbassery exhibited by that anon!
Btw, drink some water for me! If you want to show me support, or make me feel better, get a good night’s rest soon, or send me opossum photos. If a Pity Party means I get opossums, then I might pretend like these words affected me in any way that didn’t make me cackle maniacally
P.S.
I’m gonna have to go digging through my archive for a lil post because ummm
Sorry anon, I really am, because JJ is going to fucking murder you, Ash is going to damn you to hell, and every single one of my mutuals will lunge to harm you in their own special lil ways.
And I can’t save you from that ❤️
tl;dr singular they exists, attacking my identity won’t change that - also I can fence, and I’m legally nonbinary, intersex people deserve love, I’m genuinely happy with who I am, THERAPY IS FUCKING WONDERFUL, anon is an unimaginative doofus, and all of my followers and mutuals deserve the world... and the anon fucked with the wrong people
#baby's first anon hate?#tw homophobia#tw transphobia#answering anons#tw slurs#fuck around and find out
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My very first fluff
Bokuto x reader (college au)
Warnings: fluff. Just something I dreamt of.
Why was it so hard to keep his eyes off you? It frustrated him so much to watch you. Looking at you dance, laugh and have fun with friends. Why did he even care about you anyways? Bokuto sipped the liquor from his cup and looked away. He could hear your distinct laughter over the music and large chattering crowd. He shouldn’t even be looking at other girls. But you, boy oh boy, you were... ugh! Bokuto hated that he even liked you. Hated when he’d stutter, blush or even laugh at random times if you even said a word to him. He hated that he even compared you to his girlfriend. The girl he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with. Someone he didn’t have to worry about while in separate school. But now he questioned if he loved her or thought it was easier to date someone just to fill in the romance in his life. He wasn’t looking for someone then but when she had asked him he said yes. See he didn’t get the same butterflies he did with you. He didn’t even blush when she flirted. It honestly felt like a forced relationship that was tearing down. He loved his girlfriend. He did! He prioritized her just like she wanted, did anything for her, treated her like a Queen. She was his queen, but why did his heart throb when he smelt your perfume? Why did he break out in sweat any time you approached? It was weird. So weird. Wasn’t that supposed to happen with his girlfriend? No, no maybe he just wasn’t seeing her the way he should. Maybe it’s the long distance. The time apart, the arguing, the ghosting. Yeah that could be it. Bokuto chugged the rest of his drink and disappeared into the party.
Your pov
I was having a blast. College parties were fun but it did feel a bit uncomfortable. I felt like someone was watching me. My friends hand me a small shot glass and I raised my brow at the small solo cup. “It’s plastic.” I said. “Girl whatever just take the shot and then find some blue bin to put it in.” My roommate rolled her eyes. I swallowed the shot and shivered as the hard liquor rolled down my throat. It stung and tasted horrible. I hated flavored liquor and I’m sure she gave me just that. I handed her the cup and she put another in my hand. “Again?” I complained but still took it. “Yeah we all have two!” She said taking hers. I tossed the drink back and scrunched my face. “Yuck!” I said aloud, smacking my lips. “Now let’s go!” My roommate put the cups on some random table and dragged the whole group deeper into the party.
I stumbled around the frat trying to find an exit. It was late, I was tired, hungry and drunk. I don’t even know how I’m going to make it to my dorm. I tripped over someone’s foot and hit someone with my head. “I’m sorry!” I said rubbing my head. When the person turned around I could barely make out their face. The light, intoxication and music distorted everything. “Y-YN?” The voice was very familiar. “Yeah. Who’reyou?” I asked trying to stand still but I could feel my body moving around as if my feet weren’t flat on the ground. “Are you okay?” They ignored my question. But I did too. “I think I had too much to drink.” I admitted. “Trying to get to my bed so I could sleep. It’s like 2 am.” I looked at my imaginary watch and then back to the person. I squinted my eyes hoping my vision would clear up. I vaguely made out the yellow eyes, spiked hair, and bleached tips. They were tall. My mind tried to remember who was built like them. “Bokuto! That’s your name right?” I said aloud. “Yeah, I sit behind you in Psychology.” I nodded finally remembering everything I knew about him. Which wasn’t much since we barely spoke to one another. “Well I guess I’ll see you in class Tuesday.” I tried walking pass him but he stopped me. Using his arm to block my path. “I-I’ll walk you back.” He offered. Well more like he stated. I looked up at him and nodded. I grabbed his hand, “okay walking buddy, lead the way.” I said. His fingers squeezed my hand and tried to let go. Not happening. If I let go and blink he’ll be gone. Bokuto stayed still and I groaned. I pulled him to the exit and weaved pass bodies. Holding his hand tightly so he wouldn’t get separated.
I swung our arms back and forth as I damn near skipped beside him. “Did you have fun?” I asked him. “Uh, y-yeah I guess.” He said. Avoiding any eye contact with me. “Oh really. I know you was hugging that wall. You didn’t even look comfortable. I guess that why you want to walk back to the dorms. Well lucky for you, I’m here to take you back safely.” I cheered. “Actually I’m walking you back. And I guess I’m just out of it tonight.” He confessed. “Oh boohoo. You’re in college, your fun is finally here. I’ve seen how you act around your friends all loud and energetic. You were supposed to be the main one swinging from that ugly ass chandelier.” I said to him. I heard him chuckle and smiled at him. “But seriously you shouldn’t drown your feelings with alcohol. Let’s talk about it. We got a bit of a walk.” I moved closer to him and hugged his arm. Bokuto stayed silent though until he sighed. “I, I have, I haven’t been doing too well in class.” He dropped his head. “Oh come on! That can’t be it. Everyone in there is probably failing a class. I’m failing math but that shit is super hard and I didn’t buy textbook. I think I know what it is.” I poked his arm and pressed my body against him more. Bokuto blushed and tried to hold up my weight and walk at the same time. “Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked. I pulled away from him and waited on his answer. He nodded his head. “Is she here?” I continued to ask simple questions leading into more detailed questions.
“Do you talk everyday?”
“She’s not talking to me right now.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.
“Do you still love her?”
“Yes... maybe. Idk it’s like the feels are going away.” There it was. He began to rant. “When we both started college everything was great. We’d talk everyday, shared our schedules, even had online dates. But now she barely replies back, says she’s in class even after school hours. Last month she ghosted me for a week and said that her phone got hacked and she lost my number. How could you lose my number when you made me remember yours. Ugh! She drives me crazy. I want to love her but I’m stuck. It’s like there’s nothing to love. She slipped from my hands and I have no clue where she’s going.” He concluded. Wow. That’s tough. I rubbed his back and tried to encourage him. “Oh don’t worry. Give her time if you think she’s worth the wait. Every woman has her own struggle.” I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I don’t think that she is. And I don’t want to think I used her. I thought she was perfect for me. Then someone else came along and she started to drift, I don’t know.” Wait, someone else? “As in some guy came into her life?” I asked but he shook his head. “Oooooh you like someone. Juicy. Would you like to hear my advice?” I asked. I made us stop so he could listen. “I think, this could be the liquor talking but I think you should break up. If you still feel a connection then wait for the right time to fix that relationship. But if your heart says something else then you should listen to yourself. No knows you better than you, and your body wouldn’t put itself in harms way.” I rubbed his arms and looked into his eyes. He didn’t look drunk. But how could I tell, I’m so close to just dropping to the ground. “I’ve never been in a relationship though and I don’t know your situation all that well but I know when my heart tells me something I don’t always have to listen. But sometimes the heart wants what it wants. Plus most relationships don’t last when people enter college anyway. Just a fact.” I told him. I wish I had my glasses, I could see better with them on.
At the dorm I literally remembered that I didn’t bring my key or ID. “Sooo, I actually can’t get to my room...” I said, partially embarrassed. “You can stay in my dorm. I have a single room.” He offered. My eyes lit up and my smile spread across my face. I just wanted to lay down. He led me to another dorm building and let me in. His room was on the 4th floor all the way at the end. Inside was neat. Although his volleyball obsession was very clear from the posters all over his wall. When my eyes landed on his bed I immediately jumped on it. The bed was high, he must’ve done that because he was tall. Bokuto sat on the other side and kicks his shoes off. Mine fell off my feet when I jumped. “I’m going to shower.” He said. My body shot up. I wanted to shower too. Ugh I wish I was in my room! Bokuto looked at me surprised that I got up so quickly. “Do you want to take a shower after me? I can give you clean clothes.” He got off the bed and looked through his Chester to find something for me. “You’re so nice!” I said rolling around his large bed.
Bokuto pov
What was I doing?! GFN would kill me if she knew I had a girl in my room. I can’t tell her. No one knows. I’m sure YN would even forget being in here. I pulled out a sweatshirt and shorts I practice in. When I turned back YN was standing at my mirror, making faces. How could she be so cute? “Did you dance with anyone?” She asked me. “No. Here wear this. You can shower before or after. I have extra towels.” She ignored what I said and shook her ass in the mirror. My eyes glued to her butt. Watching her dress rise up showing the colorful panty she wore. Fuck! It was hard to look away. It was hard to stop getting hard. You stood up and came over to me. I held the clothes out to you and you took it but put it down. You entangled your hand in mine and spun yourself into my chest. Moving you hips against my crotch. “Dance with me.” You said twirling around like a drunk. You were drunk. “I have a girlfriend.” I said without thinking. You frowned but then smiled. “See that. Loyalty. You should try calling her. Probably before your shower.” You dropped my hand and walked to the bed. You looked sad and disappointed.
Your pov
Who was I kidding? He has a girlfriend which you told him to break up with. Fucking Dumbass.
It was quiet and awkward after we both showered. No one spoke. We laid far away from each other. Practically falling off the bed as we both slept at the edge. I kept the blanket on my legs since I wore a sweater. Bokuto wore a white shirt with shorts. He was probably asleep too. I moved around in the bed, vey uncomfortable and hot. The sweater smelled just like him, so did the bed and the whole room. I sat up and looked at Bokuto’s back. Don’t turn around. I quickly took the sweater off and fell back into the bed. I quickly got under the blanket before he turned over. “Are you okay?” He asked. I held the blanket under my neck leaving no room for him to see what I did. I nodded my head and turned around. What time is it? I swear I always tired earlier. Why am I not asleep now? Bokuto put his hand on the back of my neck and I shivered. “You’re cold.” He stated. His hand wrapped around my waist and pulled me back to him. I squeaked and blushed. He was most definitely warm and I most definitely didn’t have a top on. His body cuddled mine. Pressing against me and squeezing me. God, why did you let my life play out like this. “Can I tell you something?” He asked me. “Yeah. I’m listening.” I said still with my back to him. “I spoke to GFN. She explained why she wasn’t replying back.” His arm pulled me closer and I could literally hear the pain in his voice. Did she cheat? Are they over with? Why am so excited about this? “What did she say?” I wanted to hug him but I just rubbed the arm that wrapped around me. “She said she wanted to break up.” He paused. “Then she told me why. She’s pregnant. She’s been going to the hospital and that’s why she’s been avoiding me.” What a turn of events. I really wasn’t expecting that. I slowly turned around making sure I still covered my chest. I hugged him softly and he hugged back. “She doesn’t deserve you.” I said. “Maybe this the sign you need to listen to your heart. I’m sure the next person will treasure you.” I felt his hands on my back. They were so big, his fingers spread out but then they ball into a fist against by my skin. Bokuto quickly and smoothly puts me on my back and kisses me. I gasped and he put his tongue in my mouth. “Mmph!” His body was way too heavy for me to push off. His tongue tried to get mine to move but when I didn’t he pulled away. “I-I I’m sorry!” I was shocked. Too shocked to kiss back. “You’ve been so nice and understanding I just-“ I cut him off. “Sex with a stranger won’t lead to closure.” I told him. “To me you’re not a stranger. I like you. A lot. The moment I saw you in class my heart just wanted to be next to you. I didn’t feel the same way about my girlfriend. I thought about you more than her. You are so fun and goofy. I thought that it was your body and the separation but the more I gave it thought the more I realized I’m in love with you.” He confessed. What? Huh?
My blush wasn’t as visible as his but I was still flustered. This has to be one of the most awkward confessions I’ve ever got. But I just so happen to like him too. He’s handsome, funny, tall, Athletic, I mean come on. He has such an extraordinary quality about him that just makes people around him look up to him and admire him. He’s smart, social, caring, just an all around amazing person. His eyes trailed lower and his face turned red. Eyes wide and alert as he gazed at my chest. I quickly folded my arms and he looked back up. As if his brain rebooted he sat up and moved. “I’m sorry.” He apologized again. He got up and headed for his door. “W-where are you going?!” I said aloud. “To let you sleep.” He opened his door and nearly closed it before I could even finish my sentence. “I don’t want to sleep alone!” I yelled. The door cracked open and the light from the hallway peered in. “I like you too but-“ he opened the door wider and was crying. He ran and tackled me on his bed. Crushing my body under his.
Narrative pov
Bokuto didn’t care if he didn’t have anyone. He truly wanted someone to relate to, to laugh at his corny jokes, give him the time of day. He didn’t want to be an accessory or molded into the perfect boyfriend. You were right for him. He knew it, he felt it. You tapped his arm to let him know that you wanted him up. “Can I finish?” You asked covering your chest with the blanket. Bokuto nodded, he’d listen to anything you say like it was his favorite radio station. “I do like you too. Love is a strong word and I’ve told you I’ve never been in a relationship so as much as my heart flutters with joy and aches with excitement to hear you like me too, I have to at least have some time. Time to see how we’d work together, time to prepare myself, time to dedicate myself to you. You play volleyball, that may be in the way of having a relationship. So we can have a trial of one month and if things go smoothly then I would love to be your girlfriend. That is if you want to start dating. If you just want sex then Imma leave because I don’t tolerate drunk sex.” “YN if it takes a year for you to feel ready then I’ll be waiting the whole year.” He kissed the back of my hand and leaned in for a hug. “Can I get your number?” Bokuto asked you. He went to get his phone so you can put them digits in.
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please dont reblog this
i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.
im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.
please dont reblog this
cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world
i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.
i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.
ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.
so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.
and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.
and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.
i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.
im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.
i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.
help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.
if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well
please dont reblog this!!
#childhood abuse tw#tw#tw alone in the world#suicide tw#please dont reblog this#no rb#homelessness tw
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hi!! your embroidery is so pretty omg!!! where & how are you learning? do you go for classes or are you learning on your own? i wanna learn to but idk where to start, if you have any advice id appreciate it!! (also pls dont feel obligated to answer, you dont have to!!)
hiii Love!!!
first of all, ahhh thank u so so so much!!!
and, then, I'm just doing this on my own! It seems really hard with all the beautiful things people always do, like these sick sceneries or flower wreaths and stuff, everytime I look through Pinterest, I'm like... Wow. The fuck. Sjnsnsns
So! I asked Susa @starshimmered because I know she's also doing gorgeous embroidery and she gave me a few tips so:
- YouTube is your friend! I tend to forget that we can just google things and it's very likely that there's gonna be a tutorial bdnsnsn I have watched loads of tutorials on easy stitches and little designs, I will link some laters if you want to!! (I also watched lots in german, if u understand German I can also link those!)
-DMC has many many Beautiful free patterns! I haven't done any yet because I ordered big hoops, which I need for these designs, but I haven't received them yet...
-yarn: do you have an action store near you? They have lots of cheap beautiful yarn! Everything that's blue in the pictures I posted, I got at action (like seriously cheap, 8 different colours, 8m each, 75 cent per package (I think action is only in Europe? Not sure though)) if you don't have one, craft stores also have lots !!! I went for a big package, were you get like 20 colours in a big bag, they're very much less expensive then buying some alone!!!! (E.g. 8m embroidery yarn costs around 1,5€ here, depends on quality ofc, and the package I bought with 24 colours costs 7€..)
-hoops! I only have one so far, there was nothing available in stores here except one... So I have a plastic one, and ordered pretty pastel plastic ones because they're less expensive djsjsnsn (and because I won't order anything from Amazon) (and loads of packages on eBay for example will be shipped from China, which will take ages until I'd get it...)
-fabric. So I only have three kinds of fabric so far. I think 100% non stretchy cotton is the best way but I honestly don't know, I've started doing this 10 days ago ejsnsnns I have serviette (???) I got at soestrene grene, it's soft pink and worked very well for me!! And then I bought a tablecloth at the grocery store and my mum sent me an old cloth. I think it's best when your needle won't break the fabric and the fabric should really not move to much nsnsnsnsn but I also have yet to do more research on that 🦚
-needles: eh. So. I bought ton of needles bc they're cheap and I didn't know which ones. So for me, needles who are tiny and thin and have a prickly end worked best so far, but I think there's differences also? I don't know really. Also on my research list djsnnsns
-patterns: I've done easy things so far, flowers and sea shells and peaches and roses, a few plants... I mostly search like this: Google or Pinterest or YouTube sometimes "easy peach embroidery" look at the pictures, search for "easy peach drawing" and then turn my screen to the highest brightness, put the fabric over my screen and just retrace the lines with a pencil! Best use a pen, which will fade with washing or ironing !! But the phone thing is also stressy, with moving and touching it, for bigger designs I would definitely print the designs out!!
And when I embroider the pattern then, I either look for how other people did it, which stitches they used, or just do what I think looks good !
So I think that's it? If I think of more stuff, I will write it down!! I'm also seriously still very much a beginner, I only know a few different stitches so far and I am still learning! 💙🦚🐦
If anyone else has tips or corrections or remarks or anything, please feel free to share!!
#you're really sweet!! id love it if you would give me updates if you start??#also feel free to text me off anon ofc!!! ily#anon#asks#finn talks#embroidery#im going for a bike tour now and will link videos later !!!#🦚💙🐦🌿💕🌈🦩💖🌷💘🌙🌱🪐🥰🥰🥰😘😘😘
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my life the past couple months
truly so much has happened, i started HRT loved it, loved most of the feelings i got from it, the breast growth, the arousal from just barely touching my nipples, female orgasms, mental changes within a week were almost exactly what i was hoping for if not more, someone at the job i’ve been at for 4 years was like “wow i’ve never seen you smile before”, my reality was just different, vivid, like a real lowkey shroom mindset if that makes sense. I know that we always hear, “estrogen won’t make you a girl” but holy shit of all of the times id cry and yearn for some shred of feeling like a girl, this is literally satisfying it. just to kinda feel a little bounce on my chest was really exciting, i just wanted to show them off even though they still weren’t visible, it’s weird to feel that ghost limb thing kinda validated in how right it feels to just have some titties you know? I felt like i was floating around everywhere, socializing with everyone was a breeze, i felt so happy and giggly and cute it was RIDICULOUS. somehow started loving my body. even to the point of loving how masculine i still looked combined with the small muscle changes i was beginning to notice, like my pectorals kinda disappearing. I’m really trying to figure out how much of this is placebo but the stuff im talking about seems pretty real in my experiences.
So much body positivity. I feel like i fantasized about having sex w my male side of myself. really weird, idk if anyone else got this ever. It’s weird too because after being off HRT for a month, im looking back to some of the pics i took while on HRT, and I’m getting turned on by my female version. If i could find some explanation as to why i want to feel like a girl so bad that would be great but as of right now, i still cant quite pinpoint it, maybe I’m noticing ppl seem to be nicer to girls in some sense, there seems to be less pressure to be masculine (i guess) on girls idk. I feel like trying to explain it just isn’t going to work. It’s a feeling that seems to be experienced by a lot of ppl.
On the other hand, it felt like i was opening up a whole new can of worms. Somehow, a couple weeks in, started feeling the same jealousy i had felt the past few years towards women, but towards guys this time. I had all these thoughts of how i would socialize with them and thought about how now that I’m on HRT i should probably start phasing certain behaviors out to make way for new me, but i didnt want to, i just wanted to socialize w them, crack guy jokes w them and forget about this whole trans thinsg, and then ill go and see some cute girl and be like jealous of that, its really quite exhausting. But it pulled back the veil on a lot of stuff in my head also, it’s like estrogen helped me catch a glimpse of a side of myself that i had been searching for after every relationship fell apart, and how many versions of myself i never tried to be or simply abandoned because i was so afraid of what ppl thought. It really is tripping me the fuck out. Like wtf, I’m supposed to take this and be totally good with just leaving it all behind right? like wtf??? now it’s a whole other thing. Nothing seems real. I just want to decide one way or another, not go back and forth and risk really fucking up my health. Its a really weird feeling to wake up, feel my little breasts growing, tingling, and then go and workout and be all masculine and manly act as if I’m not going to keep growing them. The strength loss is so fucked too. A month off E and i’m enjoying the return of my strength, and my “normal” dick function, and am equally depressed at the pain i’m getting in my nipples which i can only describe as some sort of estrogen withdrawal because it stings, where as it was just kinda sensitive and ticklish while i was on HRTand kinda felt good, equally depressed at how itchy my neck is getting now that my facial hair is regaining and possibly getting even thicker this time around.
And now that i’m getting diagnosed with ADHD i really want to wait until i get medicated to decide to start back up again. Its just so weird. My lifes been going ok given everything except for this. this kills my mood anytime it every enters my brain. a straight up joy kill. a giant rock falling in my stomach. I have so much to live for but i still am just getting so sick of existing, i don’t feel safe. i also don’t have anyone to talk to about this and i feel like its bc I might not strike a lot of people as queer. i’m just eternally annoyed and really just wish i could have a life where i’m not constantly weighed down by these thoughts.
if someone read this and has any advice on how to handle please let me kno i seriously am so fucking lost haha
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I think the world is awful shitty towards women. Let me explain: I am a soft butch/androgynous lesbian, so I get misgendered as male about 50% of the time. I feel like I'm 'treated better' or 'taken more seriously' and addressed with more respect by strangers when they think I'm a guy. I dislike being misgendered btw. I love being a woman. But the world is misogynistic AF. Do you ever come to similar conclusions about the world treating women like sh*t?
OH.. for sure our culture. our world is very male-centric. Women are taught that we are less, not worthy of respect, weak, dumb, our bodies are flawed etc. The moment we are born with female body parts we are conditioned to please men, to be polite, to concede to the other sex. To not rock the boat.
We are also constantly bombbarded with the idea that breasts and vagina make us less intelliegent, not worthy of respect. We figure out at very young age that in order to gain “equal” standing with our male counterparts we need to hide our breasts, our “female traits” or “use” them to our advantage to gain some power. ACK.>>
While many people think this is getting better.. it is getting worse.. or at least holding status quo. MY 13 YEAR OLD.. was very upset when her breasts came in..she knew the deal.. she said “NOW boys will look at me different.. everyone will”. I taught her that is THEIR problem.. not hers.. She refuses to wear a bra and settles for undershirts. She has decided that she WILL NOT Be uncomfortable for what she correctly understands as someone else’s issues.. not hers. Her body is fine and healthy and ALL HERS and they can basically ‘fuck off’.
Even with me.. being very body positive and her being raised around strong and indpendent women of all body types.. even being around men like my dad, and best friend Shawn who are positive male role models.. every GOD DAMN day at school she has to fight people telling her “she looks like a boy” or “she has to be a boy” or “she had to be bi or gay because she looks like a boy”.. So she STILL has to constantly have pep talks and discussions with me so she can continue to love her body as it is and to know that she is just as worthy of any and all respect as anyone.. regardless of body parts, clothes, hair, gender id or sexual orientations.
Imagine all those young people out there with out someone there for them. Without a person or people they trust to reassure young females that they are TOTALLY within their rights to love their body and it belongs ONLY TO THEM> Imagine a world that tells them their breasts make them dumb, their vagina is gross or stinky or and makes them less able to “do things”. You DON”T HAVE to imagine.. do you? You live in it. We all do. But when it is the “norm”, the “constant” it becomes a part of your world view. INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY. We are hit with so much bullshit we believe that bullshit is a part of how we should feel.. our natural state.
One of the reasons I run this blog.. I want young females, and even young males, to understand that they are allowed to love their body parts.. they can be however they want to be, masculine, feminine, both or neither and be comfortable in the body they have.
Of course..dysphoria exists independent of the world’s view and it is important to address that with therapy and medical advice.
I can “pass” as a man all day long. I can walk into either bathroom and only in the women’s do I get a double take. Every single day I get called “sir” or “Mr.”. So does my kid. We don’t mind.. we take it with humor.. but, I also DO NOT hide that I am female. I often correct people with humor. They should not feel bad for making a visual mistake based on the same conditioning we are all raised with. So humor allows me to let them know I am a female and still masculine and, at the same time, not make them feel bad. I want them to have a smile meeting a butch lesbian.. not feel bad or embarrassed.
The only way we can change our society.. is one encounter at a time. Grand speeches and laws can’t change the perception of women or females. Screaming down those who make mistakes, when they likely are not ill intentioned, about our gender or sex only destroys hope for communication.
Being butch or gender non conforming or femme or trans or bisexual or any of the myriad of presentations and life experiences we have.. VISIBILITY: THAT IS OUR HOPE. Let youth see the many ways we exist in our world.. let them know that there are others like them out there and we are waiting to support them.
As a butch lesbian I have a responsibility to exist in public. To give the butch nod to young butches I see. To let young butch lesbians and masculine bi women know that how they feel is right and healthy and correct. They are not something the world tells them they should be.. they are perfect as butch, as maculine females. And they can be that and be handsome, sensual, loved, capable and healthy.
Who is out there that needs to see you?
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SO! i have been asked to give advice a couple times by a couple different writers in fandom who are cis and want to know how to/if it’s okay to write trans characters, so here’s my take and a few pieces of advice. it’s gonna be a little long lol
to answer the question “can cis writers write trans characters?”
Y E S
i would personally love it, and i know other trans people who would also love it, if more cis writers wrote trans characters. the only limitation that i’d ever put on this is to say that i wouldn’t want to see a cis writer writing about trans self-discovery or a Trans Journey bc... i mean... those are our stories to tell, y’know?
generally most of the trans people i know feel the same way. we want to see ourselves in stories, even if we’re not the main characters. we want to know that you see us and think us worth writing about. representation matters.
but if you’re writing a story about female friendship and you wanna make one of those women trans? please do bc we need more normalized representation. seeing these really intense Trans Journey stories is great, it is, but it feels one-note when it’s like.... practically the only thing we ever see.
wanna write a story about brotherhood and the bonds of found family and male friendship? make a dude trans! he’s a dude! who’s trans!
quick advice for writing trans men:
not all trans men bind. i don’t. i have a triple D chest, so yeah it’s kind of obvious that i have tits. with the full beard it can be a confusing look lmao. your trans male character doesn’t have to bind, and it doesn’t have to be bc he’s had top surgery, or because he’s flat chested. some of us just don’t want to have the damage done to our bodies that binding can and will do if done consistently enough for long enough.
not all trans men use packers, which are prosthetics made to give a bulge where trans guys don’t have one.
trans men can top lol. it isn’t just skinny cis women using strap-ons, and a guy can cum using a harness bc of where it sits. also, emotionally, that shit is fantastic (speaking from personal experience).
if you’re writing erotica, then be aware that some trans guys are okay with the word clit, some aren’t. this is more of a stylistic choice on the part of the writer, but if you’re using AFAB language for trans male genitals then make a note bc for some men that’s legitimately triggering. personally, i’m fine w/ my vagina, he’s a chill dude.
testosterone doesn’t make you taller, and it won’t make your character taller either lol. physical changes from T are increased muscle mass, changes in fat distribution on the body, voice drop, hairline receding around the temples, facial and body hair growth for some (takes 6+ months usually), clitoral growth, some men experience vaginal dryness some don’t, in the beginning there’s an increased sex drive which tends to even out once T levels are stable, since it’s basically a second puberty a lot of trans guys do get acne, hair can become coarser over time texture wise, and tends to thin
testosterone is administered via injection or with androgel which is topical, generally. if you want to write about a guy giving himself his T, then he’s probably on a weekly or bi-weekly injection schedule at home, or he’s using androgel which is daily and gets rubbed into the skin and has to dry fully. there’s no option right now to take testosterone orally that i know of. there’s also the option for a 3-month dose of testosterone to be given via injection, but it’s always done by a nurse and every trans guy i’ve talked to who’s had it has said they can’t even sit down for an hour afterward bc it’s injected into the ass and it hurts like a motherfucker. however it’s also only once every 3 months. personally i don’t mind my wee thigh shot lol.
if anyone has more specific questions for writing trans male characters send me an ask and i’ll be glad to help
full disclaimer that i’m not a trans woman, but here’s some advice for writing trans women based on what i’ve heard from them:
unlike with T, where trans men can basically just start T and begin the process of a testosterone-based puberty, trans women first have to go on T blockers so that their T levels drop to where they should be for a woman, then they go on estrogen, which is usually??? a pill (not dissimilar to birth control)
when trans women have been on estrogen for long enough they can have multiple orgasms like any other woman, which is a pretty nifty perk
loss of muscle mass is common
breast growth happens differently for everyone, but breasts become more sensitive and as they grow a lot of women can experience some tenderness, and if the chest is struck/prodded that tenderness can be painful. (as someone who naturally developed breasts as a teen, i remember fucking crying when someone hit me in chest once bc everything was so sensitive)
trans women have natural hormone cycles and can experience period-like symptoms! so yeah! a trans woman can wake up and be >:( and have mood swings!
the penis and balls will shrink over time on estrogen, some trans women stop getting hard, some don’t
some trans women tuck their penises, some don’t
trans women have to make the choice to raise their voices, as most of the effects of testosterone-based puberty cannot be reversed. T thickens the vocal chords, which is what makes a trans guy’s voice drop, but if a trans woman is transitioning after she’s experienced a full T-based puberty, her voice isn’t going to raise. a lot of trans women do vocal training to get used to talking in their head voice versus their chest voice. some even pick out like a celebrity or a character to emulate bc it’s a lot easier when you’ve got a goal to aim for.
facial hair generally doesn’t stop growing. the follicles being active doesn’t change when testosterone levels drop. hair growth can slow, but it’s probably not going to stop entirely without laser hair removal or electrolysis. same with body hair.
hair texture can change, though, and become softer over time
if any trans women followers want to add to this feel free :D
your character might not have IDs that match up w/ their identity. having your government docs changed can be a pain in the ass depending on where you live, and a lot of places require some kind of surgery as “proof” which is bullshit but... y’know, it happens.
big thing to remember: not all trans people want surgery. not all trans people fall into the gender binary. the way i define being trans is that your gender doesn’t match what you were assigned at birth. that’s it. i consider non-binary people transgender bc. y’know. they fucking are. not all of them want to ID that way or feel like they can, but if they do then i fully welcome them bc they’re my people.
i think cis writers can feel like it’s a taboo or a no-go to write trans characters bc “well what if i do it wrong” and i think it comes down to being really caught up in the fact that the character is trans, rather than them just being a trans character. like. here’s my day as an out, transitioning trans man:
i wake up between 6am and 7am, i dick around on my phone, i let my dogs out, feed them, have breakfast, go to work, eat lunch, work more, come home, eat dinner, dick around on my phone more, go to bed. repeat. my weekends consist of writing, primarily, and watching stuff on netflix. and every other sunday i give myself an injection of testosterone into my thigh. every couple months i see my endocrinologist and maybe have a blood test.
diabetics have a more rigorous schedule than i do, health-wise.
me being trans is part of who i am, a defining part even, but it’s not all i am. if someone were to write a story about my life and make it all about me being trans, they’d first be ignoring like... the first 25 years of my life, but also everything that happens to me in between these big transition milestones.
not everything with trans people is about being trans. sometimes it’s about being bored. or wanting to play video games.
on another personal note, some of the signs that i was trans weren’t very obvious. they make a lot of sense in hind sight (like when i was 4 and told my mom i was going to wear a suit to prom, or when i was 5 and told my dad that my husband was taking my last name bc that just seemed how shit should work to me) but at the time they were just these small, weird little quirks that no one saw as anything more.
in fandom a lot of our stories tend to veer toward the romantic or erotic, so let me just say that you don’t need to write about dysphoria or remark on the topic within the story. i know this is a sticking point for a lot of cis writers bc most of them haven’t experienced dysphoria so they don’t know how to write it. good news is you don’t have to, a trans person can be happy with their body, especially if they’re far enough along in their transition, and it can just be a smutty, smutty story about people fucking lol.
this is a really loose guide w/ very loose bits of advice and seriously if anyone ever wants to ask more specific questions or my opinion you can DM me or send an ask on or off anon and i’ll be glad to offer any help i can
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The Simself Challenge? Is that what this is called? I have no idea. . .
The challenge is basically to make a simself then answer a fuck ton of question so here we are. Thanks @willowbomb and @sim-borg for tagging me. I’ll tag: whoever wants to do this because idk who hasn't done this yet
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Taylor
2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? My childhood nickname was Tot. My friends call me d*ke and slut though so hey
3. BIRTHDAY? July 23, 2001
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? Series definitely The Mortal Instruments or the Infernal Artifacts by Cassandra Clare
5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? Both i think, definitely aliens. I don't fuck with ghosts and all that because I don't want to die
6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Right now my favs are Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? Where I live we have five stations, one that plays music from the 30’s all the time, three country, and one that says it plays pop but ends up playing country anyways. So, none.
8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? Idk man, thats a loaded question. Probably vanilla
9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? ??? lit… idk dude I was trying to think of something that's weird but I can't think of anything
10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? Be My Mistake by The 1975 or Not Warriors by Waterparks
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? Serious answer, lunacy (there's a reason its my username) not as serious, I just heard someone outside yell for the chillin’s and I started laughing because that word is great
12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? I’m currently listening to From Eden by Hozier
13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? Shameless, Glee, Shadowhunters, Grey’s. I could go on.
14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN?Love, Simon, Call Me By Your Name, or The Perks of Being a Wallflower
15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? Obviously
16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Spiders and needles
17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? nothing
18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? Everything, in seriousness, my selfishness or narcissism,
19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? Cats are my favorites but dogs are cool
20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? fall
21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? Never have been
22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? NOT AS MUCH STRESS
23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? Irl- my friend EJ. Online- @hallowiamshebsims
24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Green
25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? brown
26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? Read 23
27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? Read 23
28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? Read 23
29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? I don't remember the last time I was excited for something
30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? Writing I think
31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? Hannah Montana, Ned Declassified, Drake and Josh, Flapjack, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Chowder, Rugrats. I'm a true early Gen Z kid
32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? My girl best friend, I dont tell him everything because i'm a secretive bitch
33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? Nah
34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? Read 16
35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? Both
36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? Writing, reading, creating imaginary worlds to live in
37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? I am almost done with History Is All You Left me by Adam Silvera and oh boy that book
38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Paranorman: “You’re gonna love my boyfriend, he’s like a total chick flick nut.”
39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? N/A
40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? Cats
41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? @hallowiamshebsims @simmerberlin @willowbomb @pollinationqueen @gunthermnch
42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? The ability to always have the money to pay for things
43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? My room probably
44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? People falling down, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJq4jWSQNd
45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? That’s cute
46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Coffee
47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? I have two teachers that are really weird about phones and talking in class so we pass notes instead
48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? Nah
49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? LOUD EATERS
50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? I went to a christian concert when I was like 5 so there's that
51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? Nope, I live in the south how do you expect me to not eat meat
52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? Teacher since I live in the south and that's the only jobs beside retail or waitress in my town
53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? The Shadow World, but I wanna be a warlock, not a dumb shadowhunter lol
54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? Everything
55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? I’m afraid of what's in the dark, which is a hard ass way to say yes
56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? All the time but im tone deaf so its bad
57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? If I was sick, yeah. Other than that, I did twice. Once because I had a really bad panic attack right before the bus got to my house and I called my mom claiming I was really sick, and once a few weeks ago because my dog got sprayed by a skunk therefore making me smell like a skunk
58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? uhhhhhhh
59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? New York City, LA, San Francisco, Toronto, Portland, London. Any big city to be honest
60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? A dog and three cats
61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? Both. I sometimes stay up super late and sometimes i'm up really early. And if I can actually force myself out of bed I can get a lot done in either of those times
62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? Sunrises
63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? Yeah but im gay so its not good driving l
64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? Everything that wont break in a week
65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Nah
66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? I don't really have a favorite, I listen to all kinds of stuff
67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? Uhhhhh, Deadpool, or Spiderman
68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? Nope
69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? It takes a lot to make me angry but when im angry it's bad and I forget what i do when i was angry so i don't really know
70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? Real
71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? English and Creative Writing
72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Younger sister, younger step brother
73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? A starbucks coffee last night
74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5’7 or something
75. CAN YOU COOK? Depends on what i'm cooking
76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? Books, music, friends
77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? Racists, homophobes, sexists- so basically most the people in my town (hell what am i kidding, this side of the Mason-Dixon line)
78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? One of each
79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? I am on the ace spectrum and I am panromantic
80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? ‘Merica the brave
81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? Sheb
82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Like, yesterday
83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? CallMeKevin RTGame The Shane Dawson squad
84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? sometimes
85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP?I guess this hell site
86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE?My mom and I are kinda close, i don't really talk to my dad much (even though I live with him half the week)
87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? Aussie, British, Scottish, Irish… all of them
88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? Everywhere that’s not my state and the ones touching it
89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 23
90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? notta
91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? Yes, but not crazy religious. I just believe in fate and that there is some type of higher power
92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? Nasa bitch
93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? I have an issue with adrenaline. As in, although i am an anxious person with too much adrenaline anyways I like to do things that give me a rush of adrenaline
94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? I can't have my eyes pierced because I'm allergic to metal in the sense of having it in my body
95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? Yep
96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? Nope
97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? Next question
98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? I mean netiehr, but i'm not a huge fan of sand
99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? You’ve made it through your worst day before, you can do it again
100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? I think so
101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? Sytherlin, not surprise
102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? I’m talking to myself right now
103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? Introvert
104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? Nah, my writing is kind alike my diary
105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? I give people too many chances
106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Check the ID, maybe take the money and leave it in a bush or something. I don’t know
107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? For sure
108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? Please don’t tickle me
109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Nope
110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? Read question 94
111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? Alec Lightwood or Magnus Bane, but young Alec because I can't be friends with 27 year old Alec
112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Scared of needles, remember?
113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? Doing things for me
114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? YES
115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? Both
116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? Not really but if my future partner wants some i’d be open to talk about it
117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? My ex-best friend. I used to hate how she never had to try to get good grades or be good at things, she just was
118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? All my memories are embarrassing if you look close enough
119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? At least twice a month
120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? Nutruels and black
121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? Sure
122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? I think I wa son the news once
123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 17
124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? I have a lot, “Words have the power to change us.” “perhaps it is because of time that we suffer.” “I remain a work in progress until I die.” “The thing you are most afraid to write, write that.” I could go on
125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? Sweet
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Silky Cinnamon
OR: Muse of Nightmares by Laini Taylor!
I'm not a winner. In fact I'm what is commonly referred to as a loser. I do not win things, even when it’s an award that I actually earned. Yeah I haven’t forgotten how I never got that German Student of the Month award even though I had the highest grades in the class and they wouldn’t give it to me because I didn’t have “the right attitude” - it’s called autism, you ableist fucks...
Uhm.
Ahem.
Not that I’m still angry or bitter or anything.
Anyway.
An ARC of Strange the Dreamer was the first Goodreads giveaway I ever won. For the first time I was a winner and not a loser, so eat it, high school. It was also one of the first books I reviewed here on this blog that nobody reads. It keeps me entertained, though. I absolutely loved Strange the Dreamer. It was unlike any YA fantasy that I’d ever read, and the hero? The hero is a badass librarian. Because we librarians are total badasses. It's kind of fitting that I got to read Muse of Nightmares just after getting my MLIS (Master’s in Library and Information Science for those of you much cooler than I am). Lazlo Strange is some serious librarian career goals.
Muse, like its predecessor, is beautifully written, with the occasional annoyances that comes with pretty writing: some unnecessary sentences, overwrought metaphors, directly addressing the reader - that last one is more of a personal pet peeve than legitimate criticism, I can’t stand it when writers, while writing in third person, address the reader because I’d much rather pretend like I’m not there. I don’t mind it when this is done in first person narration because, well, the narrator is telling you the story. But in third person? Don’t acknowledge me like you know I’m here. Don’t break that fourth wall! Don’t look at me, don’t look at meee!!!
Ahem. Yes, again, that’s just a personal peeve that annoys me a bit at first but if I like the story I’m reading well enough I get over it pretty quick (as in it annoys me slightly the first time, but then I forget about until I have to mine for things to complain about to fill space in a review). Plus, I must emphasize that the copy of Muse I was allowed to read is a digital galley copy, not a finished one - the text might get some more revision before its October release, so some of the nitpicky complaints I have about sentence structure might not even matter. But complaining is fun, so I’ll do it anyway. After all, my official motto for all things, including this blog, is:
A funny thing I noticed throughout Muse as well as Strange is that nothing is ever soft - it’s silk. 100% pure silk. Nobody has smooth skin, it’s skin like silk. I don’t actually own anything made of real silk (what do I look like, royalty? I’ve got a library science degree), so I can’t really testify to the softness of the material, but my cat has really soft fur so I’m just going to imagine that all the silky soft things Taylor describes feel like my cat’s fur. Lots of slips and sheets made of cat fur, here. Another thing is that Sarai’s hair is never just brown, it’s cinnamon colored. She is always described as having cinnamon hair, which makes me worry that her hair will attract ants. Or somehow be rendered into snickerdoodle cookies. Now, I may not know what real silk feels like, but I do have a year-old tin of cinnamon sticks that I bought to make hot toddies back when I had pharyngitis so bad I couldn’t swallow (not a pleasant experience. Lots of drool involved. The hot toddies did not help). So Sarai has hair that is exactly this color:
Speaking of cinnamon, anyone know if cinnamon sticks have an expiration date? Asking for a friend who has a year-old tin of cinnamon sticks that may or may not have pharyngitis germs all over them and now kind of wants a hot toddy...
Anyway, lots of silk, lots of cinnamon. Delicious, silky cinnamon. I really want a cinnamon latte right now. I could go and get one but it’d cost like, 5 bucks...
Where was I?
Yes. This review. Unfortunately I am not really able to be all that eloquent about things I really, really like in a non-spoilery manner. I could gush about Muse of Nightmares all the livelong day, but in the process I’d give everything away and I don’t want to do that. Personally, I love spoilers, the more the better, but I don’t want to spoil this for anyone who, like me, has been waiting very patiently since early 2017 to learn the rest of Lazlo and Sarai’s story. I will say, though: the wait is worth it, it’s amazing, most all your questions are answered, and storylines are resolved. Taylor has stated that Strange the Dreamer and Muse of Nightmares would be a duology, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for a spinoff series. Apparently, Strange and Muse are a kind-of spinoff to Taylor’s Daughter of Smoke and Bone series, which I haven’t read yet, but now that I know that it’s related to Strange and Muse, I absolutely must read it now.
But, to avoid spoilers, what can you really say more than “oh yeah, I liked that book a lot!” After that? Crickets.
Hence, the nitpicking.
Also, Taylor gets bonus points for being a fellow Oregonian. Oregon writers for the win! I may not be a real writer, but I am definitely from Oregon! I loves me my local writers, and Oregon has a ton, especially Portland. We seem to have a lot of amazing YA and genre writers, too. (The world misses you, Ursula K. Le Guin).
A word of advice, though: you're going to want to reread Strange before Muse comes out - mostly because Muse picks up right where strange left off. Like literally right there. Taylor includes a lot of sly “as you may already know" tidbits in case you forgot anything but it will definitely be worth doing a reread as a refresher. Plus, Strange The Dreamer is great, why wouldn’t you want to reread it? I mean, people have unlimited time to just sit around and read, right? And audiobooks, those are a thing, too, right?
RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone fond of YA, YA Fantasy, or both. Or just anyone who likes fantasy, seriously, I’d recommend Strange and Muse to all my genre fans out there.
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone allergic to cinnamon, silk, or both.
RATING: 5/5
TOTALLY UNBIASED FANGIRL RATING: 5,000,000,000,000,001/5
RELEASE DATE: October 2, 2018
ANTICIPATION LEVEL FOR SPINOFF/FURTHER BOOKS: Chhogori
#strange the dreamer#muse of nightmares#lazlo strange#sarai#laini taylor#book review#young adult fiction#young adult fantasy#ya#ya sci fi#ya fantasy#non-western fantasy#sarai/lazlo forever
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a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it
dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan!
try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time.
if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal
--
this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH"
then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!
hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes
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all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner
and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm
--
people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad.
and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it.
for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that
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as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!
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as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly?
i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)
--
this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here
honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!)
and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired)
and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug!
i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!)
and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!)
and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone?
because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham.
hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique).
i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were
--
im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter.
maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here.
i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important.
because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here.
most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them.
and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there.
i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress)
and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept.
because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too
--
and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time
just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second
i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close
#sorry for all the linebreaks i want this to be as easy to process as possible#this is definitely ok to reblog and if you feel even the slightest urge to i encourage it
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you too buddy all the SO questions
ugh why damn it i did not ask to be punished by means of talkin about vantas until my fingertips bleed
but fine
Significant Other Asks
1. Tell the story about how you met.
it was over the summer about three years ago and tumblr kept pushing a certain blog at me and upon checking it out i decided to give him some troll asks (which looking back upon now were lame as fuck? what was i thinking honestly)
anyway that became me revealing my blog over tumblr and then lo and behold we had a college class together and we realized we were sitting beside each other and i told him that his major was an “easy major” or something and basically he hated me for a while there
2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?
it was gradual for sure i went from picking on him to agreein to let him tutor me in english to craving his friendship and then falling in love with him without even realizing
before i knew it i was head over heels and here i am, happy as fuck that im dating my best friend
3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.
his eyes go from being like cinnamon to being like hot chocolate, in color accordin to lighting and in mood, his hands are warm and comforting to hold and are quick as all hell on a keyboard, and his laugh is rare but memorable, like its dusty from misuse and drizzled over with the annoyance i usually provide him
4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?
i had to google what my zodiac was because i think both of those things are bullshit but im a saggitarius and an isfp (or was it istp i dont remember its been years)
vantas is a gemini and...
i dont think he ever tested for it because he isnt internet quiz garbage but hey what does it matter without knowing his results i know that we are a fine match
5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?
no, yes, and probably this evening when i bring back dinner
6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.
something that makes me feel really happy to remember is the new years eve after he got those color correcting glasses and i took him to watch the fireworks and he was so happy and amazed at the color and the show and i was so proud that i could do that for him
7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.
one time i groaned into his ear and called him daddy to test and see if he had a daddy kink or not and he was SO into it so now im waiting to call him daddy again when he least expects it
8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?
yeah as far as i know both sides are
9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?
we sort of have pets together but theyre also just kinda our own pets but with shared care
10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?
i dont really want kids and i dont think vantas does either like ever we arent even married and also having kids would be a hassle
11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?
i usually just sit and talk to him and support him like a friend and boyfriend should do its not really anything special but it works every time
sometimes i surprise him with relatively cheap gifts or food too but he doesnt like me splurgin so i try not to make him uncomfortable
12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?
same thing really hes always there for me to make me feel better and talk things through
13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?
scolding me like he is a third parent, somehow its endearing when he does it
14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?
yeah weve gone on a few sort of technically
that one road trip to texas we took and spent a while on
the trip to malibu
were planning (or i am) for a trip to europe this summer if its at all possible with our schedules
15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?
that im enough just being who i am and that i can have a relationship without cash at the forefront
16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you?
you dont have to bend over backwards for somebody to please them or make them like you just be yourself
not the exact wording but that is the moral
17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?
we take turns but i dont like to kill them unless theyre wasps or venomous spiders id prefer to catch and release
19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?
neither of us can cook for shit so other people prepare our meals for us always
20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?
i like taco bell and pizza hut, yes, and i dont think weve ever done either
21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly.
we used to get aggressive over gay chicken sometimes early on in our friendship that was always fucking ridiculous
22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?
one time vantas said he was disappointed in me and i took it hard and im pretty sure it ended with him leaving but i dont remember what brought it on or how serious vantas had been or how sensitive i had been
we got over it. not sure i learned any super moral from that but it did help me learn about him better in the long run and vice versa
23. Is there a famous couple, fictional or otherwise, that reminds you (or other people) of you and your partner?
will and jada pickett smith
24. Do you have a shipname?
vantder i dont know
maybe film boyfriends because he writes and i sort of direct
27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa?
we sort of click here and there but mostly our interests are different
i know he isnt super into art but he shows up to support me like he went to the award event with me and said he was proud of me and i like to offer up romcoms and movies akin to his interests when we settle in for date nights
he is supportive as hell but i dont think either of us have ever made a point of saying we arent interested in the other’s interests
28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?
he helped me to be better about takin school seriously so id say yes
he has also changed my opinion about myself almost completely
29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them.
when he got that book deal i was so happy i felt like huggin on him for days
i knew he could do it and it made me real proud to know that he did it and i am STILL proud of him
30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled?
yeah both are heavily involved and fuck i hope so im not sure how much more i can step up my game
31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?
we talk all the goddamn time and basically never leave each others side
i know i regularly stay up hells of late talking to him because i like it so much
talks get so much deeper at night when youre curled up next to somebody you love
32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?
were both assholes with sarcasm as our main crutch and im pretty sure we have both laughed at the others expense at one point or another but i would have to say that we are damn near a tie because both of us have a pretty deplorable sense of humor stand up comedy will not be in our futures any time soon
33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?
no i cant think of anybody who is against our relationship
nobody that matters anyway
34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?
i mean i hit my head and got retrograde amnesia and still had feelings for him so i think that eliminated any doubt i developed feelings just because of sex
i didnt remember it and i still loved him
35. What’s their contact name in your phone?
vantas
36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?
vantas has stamina when it comes to running and shit for DAYS i thought id die the first time i went running with him
hes also a really great writer and im not just saying that to be supportive i think if he sat down and wrote a book itd get a film adaptation nigh instantaneously
steven spielberg would shit himself
37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?
god i just fucking love his eyes and his lips and his hair and the way that he scoffs over dumb “rich guy” things and how good his coffee is when he makes it and how i can NEVER replicate it that good even when he guides me through makin it. i love the sound of his voice in the mornings and late at night when i should be asleep but am clinging onto him and talkin about nothing in particular. i love how he says my name and i especially love that hes the only one who really calls me by my last name so affectionately. i love the way he reads and i love the way he still looks a little too long at colorful things sometimes when we are outside and walking. i love the way his hand fits with mine and i love that we can reassure each other through anything, that we will be there for each other through anything. i can easily see myself spendin the rest of my life with him and if not as a boyfriend then as a best friend
38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?
weve talked about moving in together or gettin a house but our careers are pretty up in the air right now except for vantas’ teaching job. i think we make a fuckin great team and id love to spend the rest of my life with him in any way shape or form
39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple?
pick your best friend to fall in love with because youll never have a better love than that
40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.
@crimsongenetics hey vantas sorry for gettin all gushy here i hope i dont make you throw up at school i love you
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vanderpump rules, season six, episode five: oh, silk handerchief dresses, you died before you could really live.
This episode begins with syllabic noises being uttered over a musical beat, and we’re at Katie and Tom’s apartment, where Sandoval is briefing Jax on the shenanigans of the evening thus far. He’s drinking a Miller Lite, and Schwartz comes in, looking as disheveled as ever. Like, his boyish charm is wearing off quickly, and having a shirt unbuttoned one too many. As soon as Katie comes in, she dismisses the fuck out of Jax, who leaves on his motorized cooler.
I repeat: a motorized. Cooler.
THIS MAN IS 457 YEARS OLD, I’m shocked it took him this long to get on a motorized anything. Like, honestly, I’m not even going to make comment on it being a beer cooler on wheels because that’s far too obvious, but Jax could have spent this on his retirement money. Priorities, Jax. Priorities. Katie tells Tom he needs to cut the incessant drinking to the point of blacking out right then and there, and he’s like, “No, you can’t tell me shit.” She actually asked him to do something that would keep him from cheating on her and he said no. He acknowledged that his drinking caused him to do behaviors he never would sober, but he can’t bring himself to stop it, even if his relationship had to suffer because of it. Katie’s right to point out how fucked up that is and storms out of the room and I’m REALLY MAD because you all know how much I hate being on Katie’s side in anything, ever.
Oh, I guess we get the rest of that musical cue because it goes like I WON’T BACK DOWN, I’LL RISE TO THE TOP, RISE, RISE TO THE TOP. Good to get some kind of closure on that, I guess.
We’re at Sexy Unique Restaurant, where Brittany and Jax have arrived together, and Lala’s there for her first day back. Lisa enters the restuarant and immediately is like, “Lala, it’s your last chance,” because Lisa loves to make everything in this show about her.
Brittany goes to ask Jax for a Strawberrini, which sounds as awful as the hangover it likely induces, and Jax asks her if she still wants to have a housewarming party even though their relationship is on thin ice. Brittany doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but Jax mostly just wants to make sure he can control Brittany’s environments and who she spends time with in order to make sure she sticks around. He’s such a dick, I hate him so much. They’re going to try to have a fun time with their friends. Nothing else.
And that’s when I notice:
ARE THE SILK HANDKERCHIEF UNIFORM DRESSES GONE??????????????????????????
Has the torture finally ended? Katie and Brittany are both wearing black v-neck shirts with gold Sexy Unique Restaurant logos. I think it’s finally occurred. I’m hyperventilating. Katie takes the opportunity to remind us of how awful she is and goes to Lala to ask why she’s talking shit about Katie’s relationship with Tom. And Lala’s like, “Well, Scheana said you were talking shit about my relationship, so I got defensive.” And Classic Katie who loves to blame women for everything doesn’t hold herself accountable for what she said, but instead she gets mad at Scheana for repeat what she said to Lala… and then she apologizes to Lala for saying what she said. Lala tells Katie the entire story of what happened with Tom and her friend and Katie’s upset.
Lala’s the best. Honestly. She could have held this over Katie’s head but as soon as Katie apologized, Lala immediately wanted to tell Katie what she knew and see how Katie was feeling about it all. Some people have issue with Lala’s feminism, but at the end of the day, she really just cares a lot about people in general.
Lisa orders half a glass of rose from Jax at the bar, and Jax pours her an entire glass, because in his 240 years of existence, Jax never once learned what half is, or even how to pour a glass of wine, apparently. Katie sits down with Lisa to talk about what’s going on with Schwartz, and they’re both having second-thoughts. Lisa’s not going to put up with Schwartz’s immature behavior in her business, and she doesn’t think Katie should in her marriage.
The next day, Lisa is wearing her Business Glasses with her pink pussy bow top and Harrison under her arm. She got a ticket and couldn’t charm her way out of it1 and she’s there to compliment Stassi for her job on Guillermo’s party - but that doesn’t mean Stassi’s hit the big time enough to plan a party for Harrison, Lisa’s pomeranian. We wouldn’t want Stassi to get a big head or anything. Stassi tells Lisa about Jax and Brittany’s housewarming for some reason, and they’re both like, “... So are they back together, because they shouldn’t be.” I especially loved when Stassi was like, “I’m anxious and I don’t want to go,” and Lisa was like, “You don’t have to,” and Stassi was like, “Yes I do, I want to watch!” because I am always that girl.
If the likelihood drama is going to go down at your party is high, so is the likelihood I’ll attend. My presence is a present.
Schwartz, Sandoval, and Jax are going to a Paint-and-Sip painting class, and I think it’s funny because Jax used to drink with all the classic painters - Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Da Vinci2 - so this is just something he’s used to. The plan was to have a Hunter S. Thompson-esque day of male debauchery, but that’s turned into a paint and sip class on a Wednesday afternoon where they might do shots. Tom “isn’t drinking” because he doesn’t want to go back to Katie wasted, but that doesn’t stop him from doing a shot of absinthe with the rest of the group.
Okay, admittedly - every Friday for about a year I went to the bar around the corner from my apartment and drank either a beer or a glass of wine along with a shot of tequila. It was my go-to order, and it brought me peace of mind. I’m not completely against the entire concept of shots. But also, it is clearly light enough outside to know it’s the middle of the day and no resepectable adult is taking shots of absinthe at 3:30 in the afternoon, even if it is at a paiting class. Then again, these grown men are painting penises on their painting aprons, so my advice would go in one ear and out the other.
On top of it all, Kristen, Brittany, and Katie are out getting drinks, and they’rea also starting with shots in the middle of the afternoon. Hell, they’re doing what looks like whiskey or Fireball shots. Brittany’s still hopeful that Jax can change on his own despite what her brain is telling her. They go back and forth between Jax and the Toms and Brittany and the Ks’s talking about their respective issues. Jax thinks all Brittany needs is a good dicking down and he’s out of the dog house, Katie wants Tom to stop being Peter Pan, and Tom really thinks this all about what he did, and not the actions that led him to that point. Schwartz won’t admit to doing anytihng, but he can vehemently deny the idea of admitting to doing something because it would be a lie. It makes no sense.
Kristen is so drunk already and she really wants to make sure Katie is okay with Lala being at Brittany’s housewarming party - wait, doesn’t Jax fucking hate Lala? Katie’s okay with Lala being there because Lala isn’t her target anymore - she moved it onto Scheana. Because Katie’s mad that Scheana told Lala about the shit Katie was talking about Lala’s relationship and blurts out that she and Scheana might have more in common than Scheana thinks. Everyone apparently knows that Rob, Scheana’s boyfriend, is making out with other girls. One of the Sexy Unique Restaurant Servers saw Rob making out with another girl at another restaurant and also flat out denying that he even had a girlfriend in the first place.
Oh my god, Scheana’s butt is so flat. Like, I’ve never seen a butt that was both big and flat like hers, it’s so bizarre. Scheana’s in love, though, and she’s preparing for a dinner party with Rob, her dream man2~ Rob has an enormous house in Beverly Hills and Scheana’s having a private chef cook for the two of them and Tom and Ariana3. Tom, Ariana, and Scheana are all looking at Rob like #goals because he’s got this amazing house and a real job that doesn’t have them cleaning up someone’s blood at least 1x a week. Let’s just put it this way - it’s really obvious why Scheana’s interested in Rob. Rob gives a toast that’s going to be put on some fake distressed wood and sold to fifteen year old girls at HomeGoods.
All three of them are salivating over Rob, and Scheana’s letting her I Have A Rich Boyfriend Flag fly. Her thirst is palatable. She makes a dig at Shay and the life they used to have whenever possible and talks about how she and Rob can’t get married for a least a while because she’s still married to someone. She literally has a countdown to her official divorce date.
Considering these two broke up not even five minutes after this episode aired, nothing is surprising.
Back at Katie and Tom’s apartment, he’s brought his painting of Tom Sandoval and lies about drinking within two minutes. Katie tells him that Lisa is pissed at him and he can’t stop joking. He’s not taking any of it seriously, and he’s being a dick. My favorite part of all of is this clearly Tom is doing his self-deprecating under-the-breath thing, and Katie’s just... refusing to engage. She’s holding him accountable for the shit he did when he was drunk and not flying into a rage and thus he looks like an asshole. Which he is, but he’s used to having Bad Gal Katie4 to play off of and be the sympathetic one.
Ariana and Lala are at Sorella, and Ariana’s doing my favorite friend thing wherein which you pull out something tacky and your friend is like “I have that!” It’s happened to me plenty of times. I still laugh at it. Ariana wears a Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century outfit, and I really don’t even udnerstand the kind of aesthetic a person who shops at Sorella is. They talk about the constant cycle of Jax and Brittany - how Jax fucks up, Brittany gets mad, Jax puts on a puppy dog face and winds up rewarded for his bad behavior.
What follows is a great scene between Ariana and Lala, the only two girls I would ever want to mildly associate with on this show. Ariana’s talking about how she’s not interested in any type of sex whatsoever with Tom or anyone else, and a lot of that stems from insecurities from an ex-boyfriend who bodyshamed her5. Men are gross. Lala apparently looks herself in the mirror every single day and thanks each and every part of her body, flaws and all, because you should be thankful and appreciative of what you have. I mean, she’s thankful to her “kitty cat for taking the D like a champ.”
Lala might be this show’s saving grace. She’s so sweet to Ariana in a way that seems genuine.
Katie and Tom bring their dogs, Butter and Gordo6 to Vanderpump Dogs, where Lisa is pretending she works and just so happens to be there. As soon as Tom walks in, she has this face that says I Mean Business and Tom knows he’s in trouble. Basically it’s a chance for Lisa to get some screentime and tell Tom she thinks he’s irresponsible - if he’s getting blackout drunk and cheating on his wife, how is she supposed to trust him with a bar? It’s a reach, but she’s gotta show up one way or another. Tom goes downstairs and expects Katie to feel bad for him but if Lisa’s disappointed, Katie’s definitely disappointed. Tom apologies for upsetting Katie (wrong) and kisses her cheek.
GROW UP TOM. Stop eating Lean Cuisines.
Brittany, Scheana, and Kristen are preparing all kinds of drunken treats for the housewarming party - Jell-O shots, drunken gummy bears, the works. Kristen’s already drunk and sitting on top of the picnic table Brittany and Jax inexplicably decided was a good idea to have in their dining area. Immediately she’s telling Scheana about Rob making out with someone else. Scheana’s immediately skeptical based on the fact that it’s convenient all of this is coming out after two other guys had been accused of doing similar things. She doesn’t buy it because Rob doesn’t even kiss HER.
Oh, Scheana.
Scheana, Scheana, Scheana.
Your boyfriend’s not “not a kisser”, honey. He’s not into you. You’re not going to marry this dude as much as you want to.
The party begins, and James comes with the pair of fake eyelashes on a fuzzy sweater he calls a girlfriend, as well as a cake made up of toilet paper rolls. Lala, meanwhile has brought Patron and wants to celebrate Being Women, something I celebrate evert day. WOMEN ARE GREAT. Again, Lala’s the best.
I love the fact that Katie and Tom, who literally live down the hall, are the last to arrive. I went to a wedding where my date and I were the only people who lived in Brooklyn, where the wedding was, and we were the latest ones. Tom looks discheveled as ever despite pretending he’s an Adult Now, he’s wearing a Mikey Way from My Chemical Romance sweater7. Tom claims he’s done with shots for the time being, which is a lie. Tom’s about to do 100000 shots.
This party would be a disaster with anyone, but with the amount these people drink, they should not be playing Waterfall with shots. Schwartz struggles with not drinking to excess. Oh, hi Peter? We haven’t seen enough Peter this season. Scheana’s literally standing with her phone in front of her face texting Rob about him allegedly making out with another girl and Jax is annoyed by it.
Anyway, everyone is hammered. James and Tom are beatboxing. Jax admits to Carter that he cheated because he wanted the attention, and Jax is like, “I’m finally being HONEST and telling the TRUTH,” and Brittany’s like “why can’t you talk to me?” Lala and Kristen are eavesdropping and Lala wants to rip Jax’s larynx out. Lala is so disturbed by the fact that Jax is yelling at Brittany, and Lala knows that there’s a recording on James’s phone of Jax. Jax saying he’s not going to marry Brittany - ever - and just being a general skeeze.
Because Jax doesn’t deserve any woman, let alone Jax. I love the amount of millenial pink going on in this scene between Lala and Ariana.
Ariana’s wasted and tells Brittany how much she loves her in that really drunken way, but Lala needs Brittany to know what Jax said. Ariana’s so drunk she’s basically crying.
We don’t get to hear the recording, but what’s on it is enough to make Brittany cry... and then seethe. She calls Jax he deserves to rot in hell and it’s literally incredible. Jax thought he was safe.
Next Time: James is back at PUMP! Lisa wants Brittany fired. Tom is pissed at Ariana for taking sides and Ariana’s ready to break up because of it.
Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:
I love the horror movie lighting in Jax/Brittany/Katie/Tom’s apartment building. I thought hallways that creepy only existed on Search Party.
I’m so glad Lala got rid of the trashy nails.
I love that Rob Valletta is actually related to Amber Valletta.
There’s really not enough talk about how emotionally abusive Jax is to Brittany.
I don’t know if I’m buying Brand Spanking New Self Aware Katie.
I’m glad that we’re breaking through some of the Cool Girl Ariana facade and realizing she’s just as messy as all of us.
You know I love Lala when I can forgive her having a rat tail.
She did a running stop, something I also once got a ticket for. Lisa Vanderpump and I are the same. ↩︎
Remember when Scheana had sex with Brandi Glanville’s husband and then tried to both claim it was one time but also she and Brandi were in the same boat because they’d both been cheated on? ↩︎ ↩︎
Bless Tom’s heart for bringing over a bottle of champagne. Had he known what Rob’s lifestyle was, I doubt he would have brought over a gift that people are notoriously snobby about. ↩︎
Forgive me for this, Rihanna. ↩︎
I... do not understand the logic of a man who would be like “you have an ugly vagina”. Why do you care? It’s never going to be your problem. Like, do you really think dicks are the most attractive thing on earth? ↩︎
They don’t deserve dogs that cute. ↩︎
Mikey ain’t shit. ↩︎
#vanderpump rules#i was kinda drunk at the end of writing this#whooooooooops#forgive me rihannaaaaaaa
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blistering feet, ch2: warm up
on ao3
1
yup i dont know anymore. hope youre having a good week, im suffering and college is horrific
tw: panic attack. a lot is the same as that first day of school scene through waving through a window, so keep that in mind
Evan knows his mother means well, but he’s also pretty sure she’s somehow out to kill him.
Which isn’t true! She’s trying her best and works long hours and pays for all his classes and therapy and medication and he’s just a burden that— that’s a huge expense. Which is why Evan can’t understand why over the summer she brought up moving dance studios to a more expensive one (even if it’s a little closer). He also can’t understand why she wants him to compete.
Competition is terrifying. And the idea of it makes him want to throw up. His hands start getting sweaty and his breathing gets shallow and everything gets bad.
His mom had said something about putting himself out there in his last year of high school. Doing things he fears and going outside his comfort zone.
Evan doesn’t know how to tell her that everything is outside his comfort zone.
Which is why instead of thinking about the fact that he has his first class at the new studio in two days or writing a letter like Doctor Sherman always wants him to, he’s laying in bed scrolling through some dance forum Jared signed him up for a while back.
Most of the posts and threads don’t get much of a reaction from him— some people are very open about where they dance and use the forum to discuss classes and teachers and (if bribed correctly) studio secrets, but Evan tries to remain as anonymous as possible. He doesn’t have a name on his profile, his username has no indication of who he is, his icon is the silhouette of a dancer doing an arabesque against a tree, and the most anyone can tell about his location is his timezone. The only one who knows who he is is Jared.
Jared, who created an account for Evan, which Evan immediately deleted because he couldn’t figure out how to change the username and he could not have a username like that. Surprisingly and thankfully, Evan’s online persona is one of the few secrets Jared has managed to keep.
Evan rolls his eyes when he comes across of Jared’s posts.
(5:32 pm) yalikejazz: FUCK ballet
↳ (5:47 pm) checkyourattitude: Fuck you
After posting his response, Evan goes back to scrolling. The posts kind of blur together into a mess of advice, complaining, and screaming about song choices that no one can share without studio heads get angry. He’s squinting at a really long rant about fake eyelashes from someone with the username ‘fondueforfrogs’ when he gets a text from Jared.
From: here comes that boi
To: fake friend
i know your username evan fuck you too
From: fake friend
To: here comes that boi
I know you d o
From: here comes that boi
To: fake friend
ha ha very funny
i had tech today so fuck off
Evan rolls off his bed. He hasn’t stretched in a few days and being in pain during warm up doesn’t sound like a great way to start at a new studio. If he can minimize the things he has to worry about, that’d be great.
From: fake friend
To: here comes that boi
Id rather be in tech than in a ocmpetition class
Evan is perfectly content spending the rest of his days privately practicing solos in the studio. One recital a year was bad. At least one competition a month during the season is too much.
From: here comes that boi
To: fake friend
yeah but youre fucking weir d
Evan rolls his eyes and leans down and touches his toes. He lays the phone on the floor in front of him so he can still see Jared’s messages as he stretches. He turns his feet out into first position and does a slow demi plié, stretching out his back as much as possible. Something in his back pops and with a sigh, Evan stretches a little further.
From: here comes that boi
To: fake friend
comps are great you get to spend an entire weekend wiht me
Evan ignores Jared’s text until he’s sitting on the floor stretching out his hamstrings.
From: fake friend
To: here comes that boi
Yeah that sound s like a lot of fun
I sitll blame you and your moms for thi s
Jared’s moms always go on and on about how great competitive dance has been for Jared. Whenever they talk about it, Jared rolls his eyes and calls them dramatic, but Evan knows better. Jared always seems happier after he’s spent long periods of times with dance friends. A group that Evan is now awkwardly edging in on.
Him and Jared aren’t actual friends, they’re just family friends.
From: here comes that boi
To: fake friend
fuck off im super fun
dude i t might suck but youll get over it
its really not that bad
plus itll make your mom happy
Evan leaves the texts on read and works on his oversplits.
Walking to the studio kind of sucks, but the shorter walk actually makes it worse. Now, Evan can get to the studio faster. And everything can go horribly wrong faster.
When he opens the studio door, he’s welcomed by a waiting room filled with loud elementary schoolers and their parents.
All classes start today, that includes non competitive classes.
Evan weaves his way through the yelling children to the front desk. “H-hi I’m um— I’m a competitive da-dancer? And...new so I’m just wondering where I—” He squeezes the strap of his bag and tries to stop himself from rambling.
The woman at the desk smiles. “Welcome to Elite, then, sweetheart. I’m Alyssa and I’m here most days if you ever need anything. I teach some of the babies.” She gestures to the kids running around the waiting room. “Most of the competition classes are in the extension of the studio.” She leans forward to point toward a set of stairs. “If you go up the stairs, there’s a room of cubbies where all the comp kids leave their things. Then if you go down the hall and to the left, you should see all the competition studios. They’re all labeled and there’s a schedule up in the cubby room that should tell you what studio to go to for what class. If you need any help, all the dancers are very nice and would be happy to show you where to go. Have a good class!”
Alyssa turns back to her computer and Evan has to take a moment to try and process all that information without freaking out.
Stairs. He can do stairs.
There’s no door on the entrance of the storage room. A few people are sitting on the floor, one stretching and the others scrolling on their phones while laughing about something Evan is not privy to.
He left early because he was anxious about being late, but now he’s anxious about being early. Perfect.
Evan takes out his ballet flats and puts his bag in a cubby by the door and sits down as far away from the other people in the room as possible. Not that it helps.
“Are you new?” the girl who’s stretching asks suddenly.
Evan looks up with a jolt, noticing that she is a lot closer now than she was before. “W-what?”
“New,” she repeats. “Are you new? I don’t recognize you.”
“I— yeah, yeah. I’m…new.” Evan ducks his head and hopes the conversation will end. He recognizes her from school — it’d be impossible not to considering she does everything — but it’s not surprising she doesn’t remember him. Evan isn’t sure if that’s a good or bad thing.
“I’m Alana.”
“Evan,” he mutters.
“What happened to your arm?” Alana asks.
Evan winces. “I uh— I broke it. I was climbing a tree…”
“Oh really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July.” Evan’s eyes widen. “That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died.”
Evan stares at her.
Is he supposed to respond to that? What’s the socially accepted way to react to someone you’ve just met telling you that?
Alana stands suddenly. “I have to go. Have a good class!” She steps around Evan and is gone.
Evan stares at the spot she was sitting in for a second before he pulls on his other ballet flat.
A bag is dropped onto the floor next to him and his heart almost leaps out of his chest.
“Hey nerd,” Jared says, tossing shoes into a cubby.
Evan takes a shallow breath. “H-hey.”
“Can’t believe you made it without getting hit by a car.”
Evan picks at his cast. “You’re— that’s not helping, Jared.”
“Yeah, yeah I get it.” Jared grabs Evan’s good arm and yanks him to his feet. Jared pats Evan’s cast. “How you doing, acorn?”
Evan furrows his eyebrows. “Can we, like, not call me that?”
Jared shrugs. “Think you can survive a few classes?”
“No.”
Jared snorts. “Brutal. If you can survive a class with Oana, you can survive anything.”
Evan thinks otherwise.
Jared pulls them away from the doorway and further into the storage room to let the other girls in the room out. “Seriously, get over it. We all suffer for our parents.”
“Ha, yeah but—”
Evan cuts himself off as someone stalks into the storage room, dumping his bag into a cubby without giving Evan or Jared a second glance.
Until Jared decides to open his mouth.
“Hey, Connor. Haven’t seen the hair down in a while and I’m loving the length. Very school shooter chic.”
Evan wants to die. More than usual.
Very slowly, Connor turns around. He stares at Jared with scary and almost empty looking eyes and Evan realizes he knows this Connor. Because this Connor is Connor Murphy, who’s been in Evan’s grade for years but Evan has avoiding for almost as long because Evan avoids everyone.
“I was kidding,” Jared says. “It was a joke.”
Evan can literally feel the floor opening up beneath him.
“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing.” Connor leans forward. “Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you, Kleinman?” he hisses.
Jared laughs awkwardly. “You’re such a freak.” He darts around Connor and skids out the door.
Oh no.
Evan coughs. Laughs. Makes…some sort of noise. Because he’s panicking and doesn’t know what to do and his body is freaking out and everything is uncomfortable and awful and he doesn’t know how this day could go so bad so fast.
Connor’s eyes snap to him. “What the fuck are you laughing at?”
Evan freezes. “What?”
“Stop fucking laughing at me!” Connor snaps.
“I’m not—”
“You think I’m a freak?!”
“I wasn’t—”
“You’re the fucking freak!” Connor shouts. He shoves Evan back toward the wall. “Get the fuck to class.” Connor snatches his bag from the cubby and storms out of the room.
Evan stumbles backward until his back hits the wall. His knees give out and he crumples to the ground and his nails scratch at the plaster of his cast as he tries to figure out how breathing works again and he has class he has class he has class he has—
“Are you okay?”
Evan’s eyes snap up and there’s Zoe Murphy. She’s frowning down at him with her hair tied up in a near perfect ballet bun and is offering a hand to him.
“I- I’m just—” Evan takes her hand and lets her help him up.
“Did something happen with my brother?” she asks, slipping a bag off her shoulder. “I just saw him storm out of here and— he can be awful. It’s probably best just to ignore him when he’s in a mood.”
“Oh.”
“Evan, right?” Zoe asks. “Jared mentioned you. I think I’ve seen you around at school.”
“Yeah. Evan. It’s Evan.” Evan rocks back on his heels.
“I’m Zoe.” She shoots him an awkward smile.
“I know,” he says quickly. “I-I mean I’ve— I went to a jazz band concert? I like jazz— I love jazz. Jazz band, not all jazz but jazz band. That’s so weird, I’m sorry.” Evan can hear Jared laughing at him in his mind.
Zoe gives him a sort of confused look as she puts away her bags and pulls out a waterbottle and her flats and pointe shoes. “Uh, okay? Are you…going to ballet with Oana?”
Evan nods.
“Same. Most of the senior comp kids are in it. The ballet classes are the biggest ones, since they aren’t competitive, they’re just required.” She gestures with her pointe shoes. “Do you know where the studio is?”
“N-no,” Evan admits, trying not to cringe.
Zoe smiles at him again and it’s a little like an angel is saving him. “Follow me.”
—«·»—
After Oana’s class — it’s really not that bad, Evan has no idea what Jared’s problem with it is — Evan pulls out a notebook and rips out a piece of paper and scribbles out the beginnings of a letter before he can forget what he wants to say. Whenever Doctor Sherman asks “how did you feel this week?” Evan feels his mind blank, so despite the fact that he trashes most of his letters, they do help him sort of place his emotions throughout the week.
It doesn’t take too long for Zoe to show up in his words.
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bythepowerof4
uuuggggggggggghghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
nickatnightwalker
good morning sunshine
bythepowerof4
very very bad morning. day. all of it :/
nickatnightwalker
im trying to feel compassion but you did kind of do it to yourself
bythepowerof4
do what???
bythepowerof4
i didn't get fucked bro i was only a little off lmao
i just had like. a bad time ):
nickatnightwalker
oh is this not a hangover moaning
bythepowerof4
god i wish
nickatnightwalker
what happened
as far as i could tell you stayed clothed so whatre the regrets
bythepowerof4
i did lmao. ok like
ur ego is probably swelling in the wake of everyone's poor decision making, but would it inflate it more if i said u were right all along
nickatnightwalker
my ego's already reached terminal velocity youre gonna have to be more specific about what i was right about
bythepowerof4
etsuko :/
bythepowerof4
and prom. and prom with etsuko
nickatnightwalker
/fuck/ yes i knew it
and it's a bad thing because you dont know what to say, yeah?
bythepowerof4
fuck oooooooffffffffffffffffffff
yeah :/
but it's also a bad thing cause she was fucking smashed and wanted to kiss me and chucked on my shoes and oh my god
nickatnightwalker
oh smooth
that's a definite winner as far as first moves go
bythepowerof4
haha yeah
ok but i think maybe it wasn't the first move??? and i missed the others cause im an idiot i guess??? and she was so weird and sad and i feel like shit
nickatnightwalker
no in all seriousness i obviously have a bias but good things have come from worst first moves
it's not your fault you didnt know something she didnt say
if she's sad you didnt pick up on it that blows but it's not on you
bythepowerof4
fuck lmao u are the expert :p
and yeah. are you like. very sure im in the clear bc idk tbh
i got kinda pissy and im still kinda pissy cause she said weird things about me and also daisy but like, we're friends and i think i was harsh
nickatnightwalker
it's not your fault for not being a mind reader
bythepowerof4
i wish i was they need a class for that here. everyone wants you to be a fucking mind reader
nickatnightwalker
oh what am i gonna have to stuff somebodys second mouth with newspaper and make them smell a jockstrap or what
bythepowerof4
no you are not and none of this leaves this chat ok!!!!
nickatnightwalker
yes yeah but do i have to kill her or what i already gave thiren the flu this school year im comin in hot
bythepowerof4
was that you holy shit
she shared her flask you gave it like everyone lmaoooo
but wait no no killing!!!!
she was just like. idk im kinda fuzzy on the deets but she acted like she was scared of like. breaking girl code. getting up on some other girls territory
i think she actually said territory which made me feel very gross and i still do actually wow
nickatnightwalker
i didnt make anyone share her bottle im innocent of everyone else getting sick alright
also what the fuck
girl code? territory??
bythepowerof4
i know girl code is strange and mysterious to us both but it was still. weird
bythepowerof4
she thought she couldn't say anything cause of daisy i think. cause she brought it up before i even said shit i think???
nickatnightwalker
girl code is not a thing
bythepowerof4
i think it's shorthand for like basic decency
nickatnightwalker
alls fair in love and war motherfucker if you and someone else like the same person whoever wins wins theres no playing nice
playing nice is like, insulting
nickatnightwalker
you like who you like and someone bowing out for someone else isnt fair to you
just saying
bythepowerof4
:/
nickatnightwalker
im serious it's wildly outdated and treats you like something that someone has a right to
bythepowerof4
like territory
nickatnightwalker
very uncool
bythepowerof4
its not her fault i think im making it sound worse than it is
nickatnightwalker
to be totally fair probably she thinks you like daisy and didnt want to get in the way which is respectable and respectful and a different story but
territory is very uncool
bythepowerof4
yeah i think that's closer
idk i barely have it in me to be confused about one girl this sucks
talking to people sucks i don't know what's going on
nickatnightwalker
you dont like
have to know whats going on
bythepowerof4
it clearly helps
nickatnightwalker
like. not to be fake deep but feelings arent easy to parse like, ever
sometimes it takes a long time
so just
chill
it's not a big deal to not know what to say the second someone comes on to you
bythepowerof4
i did say things though
like a few things and i think they were kinda mean
like youre right but it Sucks !!
nickatnightwalker
ok. ok like. being mean may have cut that option off for you you know that right
bythepowerof4
oh my god
bythepowerof4
oh my god fuck
nickatnightwalker
dont freak
bythepowerof4
shes not an option she's just my friend which means i shouldn't be mean yeah
way too late
nickatnightwalker
on a scale of 1 to 10 how bitchy were you
also if shes like. not an option. and just your friend. isnt that kind of your answer clea. like i dont mean to point out the obvious or sway you in any way but im not getting strong yes vibes from this strongly negative reaction
bythepowerof4
i don't know!!! i don't know it happened very fast i think i called her dumb
nickatnightwalker
ouch
bythepowerof4
and got pissy about like. how we are Always Doing This
nickatnightwalker
what, throwing up on each other
bythepowerof4
her throwing up on me yes
nickatnightwalker
ok i can see how thats a bit of a turn of
*off
bythepowerof4
this has like. happened and i think it's bad which means i should have been nicer about it
nickatnightwalker
youre really being so vague right now
you mean shes tried to tell you before or what
bythepowerof4
i mean she's gotten off her fucking face and started crying before
and i just like, take her to the dorm or back to mine and its like. idk
nickatnightwalker
right
you dont love it
nickatnightwalker
is what im gathering
bythepowerof4
no i think
i think i think it's kinda nice sometimes cause i like helping her and that's really really bad
nickatnightwalker
it's bad that you like helping her
im just trying to get this right have patience with me
bythepowerof4
well yeah if she needs to need help before i can help her
nickatnightwalker
oooooookay well it's not like youre sabotaging her just to get your hero rocks off
bythepowerof4
that sounds even worse thank you
nickatnightwalker
youre not, are you?
bythepowerof4
i don't think so but like
bythepowerof4
i didn't stop her or anything
nickatnightwalker
youre not her babysitter
bythepowerof4
i was um. distracted but i shoulda right
nickatnightwalker
if you wanna help her outta the goodness of your heart thats good for you but youre not her babysitter
i let damian and daisy both make turds of themselves last night
bythepowerof4
they weren't even drinking that's different
nickatnightwalker
yeah, they did that shit sober
and i still didnt try to stop them
dude, my guy, bro
youre your own responsibility ok
nickatnightwalker
youre not her mom
bythepowerof4
im her friend!!!! friends look out for each other and stuff!!!!!
and if im apparently leading her on or something and making her feel like she can't talk to me and letting her get all messy and miserable then im a bad friend and im upset about it!!
nickatnightwalker
1. leading someone on kind of has to be intentional, otherwise youre just like, being crush-worthy by being yourself
2. friends arent moms
3. moms are a social construct anyway
4. you dont "let" her get anything youre not in chargeof her
cmon clea youre takng on way more of this than you should
feel bad she feels bad if you want to but guilt doesnt factor into this
bythepowerof4
you're like. way too rational
you're making it very hard to be hysterical
that's a compliment i think but im mad about it lmao :/
nickatnightwalker
my job is to be rational about everyones problems except my own
nickatnightwalker
thats my niche in the social hierarchy
bythepowerof4
big words from the guy trying to decimate my well meaning babysitter niche !!
if you ever need someone to be hysterical about your problems know that im here for you
nickatnightwalker
i have no problems my life is a glittering utopia compared to the dumpster fire of your last night and today apparently
nickatnightwalker
like i cant make your decisions for you or anything but before you do make one id seriously advise you to work on not taking responsibility for etsuko's life and bad choices cause that way lies a really fucking miserable relationship
bythepowerof4
lmao liar!! everyone has problems and i'll be personally offended if you don't at some point dump them on me like im doing right now to you. two way street :p my advice might be less cool and wise and prophetic but like. still
its not like, a """decision""" anyway cause its not some weirdo love triangle bullshit. cause i dont like. maybe if she said something before or if u know?? if shit was different
but not now
the decisiony part is just how to undo the dumpster fire lmao. which i think. i can maybe do
idk thank u ur so good at this i hate you
nickatnightwalker
i gotta be real i have no idea what anything you just said meant
bythepowerof4
oh i thought i made sense that time :/
that sucks this sucks again
nickatnightwalker
is this a new kind of sucking
or is this the same suck as before
bythepowerof4
part of the same suck
cause i don't make , like. sense :/
nickatnightwalker
just that one part where you say youre not making a decision
cause you kinda got to
even if it's to do nothing
bythepowerof4
oh
ok yeah
nickatnightwalker
"cause i dont like. maybe if she said something before or if u know?? if shit was different" also this part
bythepowerof4
well im not doing nothing cause i don't wanna fight with/not talk to anyone and if i said i was thinking of waiting it out you'd tell me that's stupid lmao
and that parts just like. u know
bythepowerof4
what she wanted to do and whether i also wanted to do that thing
nickatnightwalker
idk i actually dont think waiting it out is a terrible idea in this case
at least until she's calmed down and youve had time to think about whether you also wanna do that thing
bythepowerof4
i don't think i do right now i thought i was making that part fairly clear
it's not like a hard no cause she's cool but i've got a lot going on rn lmao
bythepowerof4
ok so waiting. lmao can you be a mate and like buzz me when it's a good time to no longer be waiting
nickatnightwalker
no that part was fairly clear from the way this news didnt like, make you happy in the least
bythepowerof4
oh. yeah i guess? that could all be circumstances though
nickatnightwalker
it's been a couple days now probably tomorrows a good day to apologize for being bitchy
bythepowerof4
ok. ok i can do that !!!
nickatnightwalker
circumstances arent THAT much of a game changer when it comes to wanting a person to kiss you or not
also dont apologize for her getting drunk that was her choice dont be weird about it
bythepowerof4
barf mouth tho
bythepowerof4
and yeah ok i'll skip that part
nickatnightwalker
ok barf mouth is actually a good point
nickatnightwalker
but still easy enough to fix for it not to be a huge dealbreaker
bythepowerof4
oh hey ets yeah let's go get you some goddamn listerine, and i'll go change my shoes and then we'll meet back here in 15 for super scheduled smooching !!
no thank you!!!!
nickatnightwalker
do other people not do that
i feel like people do that
i personally have definitely sent people away for listerine
bythepowerof4
oh my god
and you can just?? get back in the moment like nothing happened???? i don't see it
nickatnightwalker
idk if theyre hot enough you can let a lot of stuff slide
bythepowerof4
oh bc ur sooooo hot enough that they let ur critiques on their hygiene slide :p
nickatnightwalker
you think im that tactless?
im fucking smooth people dont even notice it's insulting
bythepowerof4
is there a tactful way to send ppl off for mouthwash
nickatnightwalker
yeah, you tell them what they get when they come back
or pass em some gum and hope if it's not too bad
bythepowerof4
jesus
you really think you're all that !!!!!
nickatnightwalker
what it's not like im making this up when youre out sometimes people arent super picky ok
bythepowerof4
i believe you its just weird !! i thought people were picky as a rule and like, idk it sounds so awkward
nickatnightwalker
oh no absolutely people are not that picky all the time and if you wanna k iss someone you wanna kiss them and you'll wait if you gotta you see?
bythepowerof4
oh well duh im good on the waiting part lmao
which is why i would wait for a different time entirely when no ones barfy or critical :p im very patient!!!!
nickatnightwalker
right but you have to like. want to wait. and if you wanna wait then that should kinda clue you in
bythepowerof4
oh. yeah we're talking about that again ok
nickatnightwalker
it all comes back around theres no such thing as tangents
bythepowerof4
youre a terrible person i live off tangents
ok well. yeah no. i don't wanna
like a little but not enough. which i feel weirdly bad about but sure whatever brain!!
nickatnightwalker
no
no guilt over that
nickatnightwalker
not allowed
if etsuko's a half decent person i dont think she'd want you to feel guilty about that either
bythepowerof4
tell my brain that im trying !!
she wouldn't duh
i think she feels worse about it which makes me feel worse about it
nickatnightwalker
say it with me now
i am not responsible for someone else's feelings
now you
bythepowerof4
:/
i am not responsible for someone elses feelings
nickatnightwalker
yeah there you go
try this one
im not responsible for someone else's messy behavior
bythepowerof4
i am not responsible for someone elses messy behaviour even though if i can stop it i should probably try ok next
nickatnightwalker
nope
if you want to out of the goodness of your heart go for it but you have no responsibility to stop it
not even should
bythepowerof4
are you sure not even should that seems extreme
nickatnightwalker
no like it'd be nice of you but youre really NOT under any obligation
youre not her mom
nickatnightwalker
thatd be creepy and gross clea
bythepowerof4
not obligation just like the parameters of friendship
it's creepy and gross that u keep saying that!!
nickatnightwalker
it's creepy and gross that you feel like youve gotta babysit her
im just being real here
bythepowerof4
ughhhhhhhhhhhh i knew it i knew i was gross
it's not even her ok i would look out for you if you weren't so mr perfect perfect all the time!!!
nickatnightwalker
thats the first time ive ever been accused of that lemme bask in it for a second
ok im good
nickatnightwalker
clea that kinda sounds like an issue that's you-based and youre like, gonna get worn out and have a breakdown or something
nickatnightwalker
we're kids we're not old enough to take care of other people like that
bythepowerof4
i just. don't get why ur objecting to my like, decency
if you ever actually needed it then maybe you'd get it but you don't so it's fine!!
im not gonna have a breakdown i don't wanna have a breakdown
nickatnightwalker
im not objecting to decency im objecting to feeling guilty if you dont go out of your way for someone
not like i dont generally frown on decency anyway but thats not related
bythepowerof4
no tangents!!! everything is related :p
it's just. very hard ok
can't help it, didn't know it was weird, this is by and large new information
nickatnightwalker
i too like introspection better when someone else does it for me
bythepowerof4
god right
ppl should make a living off this
nickatnightwalker
i think that's called therapy
bythepowerof4
shit yeah
ok but who needs that
nickatnightwalker
apparently most of us
no shame
bythepowerof4
:(
i don't see you so much as going to the school counsellor
bythepowerof4
that sounds weird nvm
nickatnightwalker
well you got me there
but as we've established im perfect so
bythepowerof4
lmao right!! you should go to counselling and counsel the counsellor
nickatnightwalker
you think i could take that up as an extra curricular
beef up my resume
bythepowerof4
oh for sure
"browbeat a mental health professional into respecting my superior opinions" looks good to me
nickatnightwalker
i dont have to browbeat anyone into knowing im right
nickatnightwalker
are you like. good though
bythepowerof4
oh of course!!!! my mistake
bythepowerof4
oh um. yeah
like no but yeah
everything's just a lot u know
nickatnightwalker
it sounds like it
shes not like, on you about itthough right
bythepowerof4
no she hasn't said anything
which is worse
nickatnightwalker
shes probably mortified
wouldnt you be?
bythepowerof4
well. yeah i have some recent experience here actually so yeah i can imagine
bythepowerof4
shit
nickatnightwalker
of what? bein?
bythepowerof4
yeah
being drunk and dumb and um. misreading situations and friendship and liiiiiiiiike idk
being fucking mortified
it's this
nvm idk arrgggghhhhhhghhhhhh
nickatnightwalker
damn you had a busy summer huh
bythepowerof4
:////////
yeah kinda :/
nickatnightwalker
which is part of whats going on with etsukoe?
whyd i add an e
bythepowerof4
lol autocorrect always fucks with it its so annoying
ok i guess it's maybe related to the degree that everything, as we've established, is related
but i just had a uhhhhhh not so great time with my old friends
nickatnightwalker
you were drunk and misread a situation
bythepowerof4
not the alien kind the people kind
nickatnightwalker
were you the etsuko or teh clea
bythepowerof4
oh my god. i had, like, previously been the etsuko. but that was a while ago and not a big deal it just kinda came rushing back u know and then i realised she thinks im a freak and then i did freak in a full freak way cause my face kinda popped
nickatnightwalker
what
bythepowerof4
hey do you have any problems we can talk about instead this is terrible
nickatnightwalker
im very interested in what you mean by your face popping but ok
bythepowerof4
you know like
the glamour
its kinda like paper and im underneath very much not like paper
and then pop! no more paperface no more old friends
nickatnightwalker
oh fuck
hopefully they were all trashed too and just think they were drunk?
bythepowerof4
all of them?????
sharing the same weird drunk hallucination??????
bythepowerof4
that's like extreme sunnydale syndrome
nickatnightwalker
but it's so weird i doubt theyd wanna discuss it
because theyd be worry about sounding crazy
bythepowerof4
i guess
they're still gonna think it it's still how they're gonna picture me
bythepowerof4
and apparently they already thought i freaked and had to like go "somewhere" which i guess is true but i feel weird having ppl think of me like that
nickatnightwalker
just seeing you one weird brain glitchy time isnt gonna change what they think of forever
and i mean you could like. tell them you just transferred schools
like, tell them the partial truth
right?
bythepowerof4
i did idk i don't think she believes me
or like she does but she still thinks i had a breakdown???? i just don't get it ok im very put together
nickatnightwalker
youre more anxious than i am
bythepowerof4
what
no im not
pretend i put some sincerity exclamation marks there
nickatnightwalker
yeah you can see how thats not convincing though right
bythepowerof4
the exclamation marks? those are very convincing
also im not trying to be convincing bc it's just true. cause u like. Have anxiety right
nickatnightwalker
what
nickatnightwalker
no
im anxious about living in a magic school where everything and everyone can kill me
bythepowerof4
oh i just
you use the word anxious a lot that usually
sorry :/
nickatnightwalker
im like 85% sure you can be anxious without having anxiety
bythepowerof4
well yeah i just
im sorry u seemed really like
im gonna stop ok cool im very sorry
nickatnightwalker
im interested in how deep a hole you were going to dig for yourself
bythepowerof4
im not we should really move on
also you were the one saying it's perfectly believable that i would completely flip my shit so maybe i should be offended !!
nickatnightwalker
point was you seem really stressed like a lot
nickatnightwalker
youre kinda tightly wound clea like regardless of whatever i am you are kinda a little stressed all the time
bythepowerof4
ok well
im not
or like a little bit but i don't want people thinking of me like that so this also just sucks
nickatnightwalker
yeah, it sucks for people to think youre nuts, but that's kind of how it is if youre even a little bit weird out there, isnt it
bythepowerof4
yeah. that is how it is but it's oddly enough not making me feel better :/
hey ok im just gonna put these issues away bc i don't like them and i have to deal with the main problem bc ai is bugging me oh my GOD
bythepowerof4
please don't go trying to talk to ppl on my behalf bc it is apparently really annoying
nickatnightwalker
ai is bugging you
cupcake girl?
the plot thickens
bythepowerof4
she stopped its fine
i shouldn't even have said that she's just looking out for ets cause she's a good pal and stuff there's just like
a lot
nickatnightwalker
whatd she think she was gonna do change your mind
bythepowerof4
no she just asked why im mad so she could report back
and now im reporting back on her reporting back?? this is so high school i have a headache
nickatnightwalker
where is the self awareness with these people holy shit
bythepowerof4
i don't knooooooow im freaking out i don't like it
nickatnightwalker
wait why are you freaking out
youre not mad at etsuko, anymore, right? you can like. talk to her instead youre not beholden to ai's nosy ass
bythepowerof4
yeah i can but not yet because im talking to u and daisy kinda and ai and she's talking to ai and it's a lot of talking and i actually really have a headache
everything's all doubletriple
nickatnightwalker
wanna talk about something else
bythepowerof4
yes please
nickatnightwalker
uhhhh
i took a fuckload of martial arts classes over the summer and can now reliably flip people so thats cool
bythepowerof4
oh what that's so cool!!!!
is that who was in the back of some of ur pics?? like the class??
nickatnightwalker
oh yeah
and daisys ballet class is in some of them too
bythepowerof4
yeah i defs noticed that lmao
i dunno if i said enough but that was nice
like getting those
idk i missed you and now we're all back and im making it all drama!! instead of all chill
could u flip damian. hypothetically but also for demonstrations sake
nickatnightwalker
yes and yes
nickatnightwalker
the more important question is will i
the answer to which is also yes
dont feel bad about the drama it's actually really 100% not your fault
bythepowerof4
i know but telling you about it is on me lmao
text me when you're gonna there's no way you can do that without me there ok
nickatnightwalker
who says i cant do it multiple times
and idont mind you telling me either
everything's chill on my side so it's easier to sort of have perspective
bythepowerof4
if you do it multiple times i insist on being there for all of them sorry not sorry
yeah. perspective is good. you're good at that
bythepowerof4
>:/
nickatnightwalker
ill do it right the fuck now clea
bythepowerof4
omg really
omg please
nickatnightwalker
i would never lie about this
bythepowerof4
yes yesteryear you're so good i love u tell me where
*yesyesyes lol let me be excited autocorrect!!!!!
nickatnightwalker
i was wondering why you were talking like carolyn
ok were in front of artume lets do this
bythepowerof4
yessssssssss ill be right there
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