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samanthadalton · 3 years

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Star Crossed Lovers (part 14)

Do my eyes deceive me???? part 14???? we did it. im so sorry its taken forever, i will try my best to be more consistent with my writing. love yall for being patient with me it means the most. thank you, thank you.

warnings: throughout this fic there will be mentions of substance abuse, homophobia, sexual abuse, violence, NSFW, mentions of abandonment, depression and death including suicide

reader discretion is advised

warnings: angst, swearing (lots of it)

taglist: @drmmyrs @cloud9in @somewillwin @save-me-the-last-dance @baexpoppy @stanzoeywade @ognenniyvolk @thepotatobleh @crazzyplays @fall3ngods @helpconfusedpersonhere @clowneryme @dopeyouth @boys-girls-i-cant-help-it-baby @vonda-b-real @uselesslesbianfr @veenast @cloakanddaggerthings @somethindarker (sorry again if ive missed anyone, if you wanna be added on this taglist or my general one just let me know 😊)

word count: 4k (i feel like its short considering how long it took me to write but i still hope you guys enjoy) (also i didnt check for grammatical errors properly so sorry if you find any)

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13

The first steps to moving on

“Bea please,” Poppy whispers, a repentant look creeping up to her face as she looks away from her girlfriend. “It can’t wait.”

Bea sighs, her shoulders slumping as the last remains of her anger disseminates from her body. “Okay fine, lead the way babe.”

Poppy stiffens that the pet name but she doesn’t let her awkwardness slip as she leads Bea to a secluded classroom, far away from prying eyes. Both her and Bea turn to look at each other, and both simultaneously open their mouths to talk.

“I know you wanted to tell-”

“We need to talk-”

Both clamp their lips shut, a mutual smile playing on their lips as they look at one another.

“You go first,” Poppy gestures towards Bea, as she moves to sit on the edge of a desk.

Bea inhales softly, her tongue darts out licking her lips as she looks down at the ground, her face calculating. “Why does Chloe hate me?” She looks up to Poppy, her eyes boring into the strawberry blonde’s, sadness swimming inside of them, “I just don’t get what I’ve done for her to hate me.”

Poppy sighs heavily, her eyes awkwardly darting away from Bea’s. “It’s complicated Bea.”

“Complicated?” Bea lets out a humourless laugh, “I almost just went off on Chloe after she gave her condolences for my mom dying because I just felt she wasn’t genuine and you wanna tell me it's complicated?”

Poppy sharply inhales, contemplating for a few moments before saying, “it’s because of your mom.”

Bea scrunches her brows up in confusion, “my mom? What the hell does she have to do with this?”

Poppy ineptly plays with her hands, not being able to look Bea in her eyes, “at first it was just a classist thing. When you first came to Belvoire, she just wanted to make herself feel superior over you, but in the last year you’ve noticed her getting more mean right?”

“Right.” Bea stares at Poppy, her expression emotionless.

“Chloe’s parents have been fighting non stop recently, and it’s been affecting her a lot.”

Bea’s brows furrow in confusion, “what does that have to do with me or my mom?”

“Just let me explain first before you react, please.” Bea’s eyes bore into Poppy’s for a few seconds before she nods understandingly. “Her dad cheated on her mom. A lot of times actually. But he was blackmailed by one of the women he slept with.” Poppy pauses for a few seconds, “your mom.”

Bea lets out a shaky breath, her eyes blinking in disbelief, “no, you’re lying.”

Poppy nervously bites her bottom lip, “look Bea-”

“How long have you known?”

Poppy’s face scrunches up in anger, “this isn’t my fault Bea. I only found out that day I went to talk to Chloe about us. Chloe made me promise not to say anything to you-”

“Poppy! My mom OD and I don’t even know why. And now you’re telling me she was blackmailing the St James family and it doesn’t occur to you that might have had something to do with her death?”

“They’re not the fucking mafia Bea, jesus. They were trying to settle it quietly by giving your mom some money and make her sign some stuff so she couldn't threaten them anymore.”

The devastating ramification of Poppy’s admission hangs in the air as the two girls let the words settle into them. “Chloe really is sorry about your mom Bea, we all are.”

Bea sighs, staring off into space, as a few tears begin to fill up in her eyes. “I just don’t know what to do.” Bea begins sniffling, but Poppy makes no movement to console her girlfriend. Bea notices and her expression sobers, “so, uh what did you wanna tell me?” Bea sniffs a few more times, before looking up at Poppy, giving her a small encouraging smile.

Poppy looks away, guilt creeping up on her face, as she tries her damndest not to catch Bea’s small smile on her face. “Bea…”. Bea carefully assesses her girlfriend’s demeanour, noticing the similar body language during when they first asked to take a break, she thinks back to the last couple of days, she had barely heard from her girlfriend, and now she’s not affectionate, even after she almost had a mental breakdown in the middle of the hallway and her smile drops. “We have to break up,” Poppy says, her tone so monotone and dry as if she didn’t mean the words she was saying at all.

“I don’t understand,” is all Bea can muster, evidently hurt by Poppy’s admission. Poppy winces slightly at Bea’s tone, finally breaking her robotic demeanour as she lets out a few sniffles. “So is that it? We have to break up,” Bea retorts mockingly, “is that all I get after all these years?”

“Bea..” Poppy reaches out but Bea immediately takes a step back, tears flooding in her eyes.

“No,” she holds her hands up, “I don’t get it, things are going good, or at least whatever twisted definition of good we’ve made up. Where the hell did this come from?”

“Bea my dad-”

“Of course! Hayden Min fucking Sinclair had something to do with this. Why do you still live under his shadow? You talk all this shit about breaking out of your father’s prison and wanting to achieve your own goals but he sucks you back in.”

“That’s not fair Bea,” Poppy interjects, balling her hands up into fists in an attempt to subdue her trembling, “my dad has given me so much and he’s threatening to take it all away.”

“Yeah, all you have to do is get rid of me. Me or the Min Sinclair name.”

“Bea this is the life I have, okay I’m not like you, I’m not built like you.”

“So what? I can grow up without a dad and now without a mom but it’s okay because I’m used to pain and disappointment?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, you have a plan, things you can achieve, I need the Min Sinclair name, I’m nothing without it.”

“Wow.” Bea shakes her head, “So I just meant nothing?” Bea wildy throws her arms in the air, anger bubbling under the surface of her demeanour. “We’ve practically been together since we were kids. And you’re just gonna fucking throw that away? And for what? Fuck you Poppy.”

Poppy takes half a step back, dumbfounded by Bea’s outburst. She scrunches her brows, evidently hurt, “you don’t get it Bea. Even though your mom wasn’t the best, she still supported you, even if you didn’t know about it. My dad he- my mom what would she think?”

“Your mom? Poppy what kind of shit is your dad brainwashing you with? Your mom is dead! You have no idea how she would react to having a gay daughter, but I know she’s probably disappointed in you.”

“Fuck you Bea.”Poppy runs out of the classroom, tears streaming down her face, leaving Bea on her own.

“Shit,” Bea whispers to herself before throwing a bunch of punches at the wall, each more cathartic than the last until she can’t physically hold herself up anymore. Bea defeatedly slides into a chair, cradling her head in between her hands, letting the tears free fall, as reality begins setting in that she lost the one thing in the world that was her everything. Poppy Min Sinclair was her rock, the girl who she gave her heart to, the love of her life and just in a matter of moments it was over. Maybe it was too good to be true. The beautiful, perky popular rich girl and the girl who had almost nothing, complete polar opposites, it never should’ve worked. But time and time again when faced against the world they persevered so why was this time different? Poppy had chosen her namesake over the love of her life. She chose the life of glitz and glamour over the girl who gave her her entire heart. Bea feels her entire world crashing down, how much more heartbreak could she take? Was her life always going to be so hard? So full of hurt? Full of pain? She winces at the thought, her head hammering as she comes to the realisation that she understood her mother’s pain more than she thought.

….

Bea hops off her bike, parking it in front of her house, as she pulls her phone out to look at the time. ‘It’s lunch time,’ she thinks to herself. After the day she had today, school wasn’t the best option for her right now. She makes her way to her front door but stops in her tracks when she realises her front door is slightly ajar. Her survival instincts kick in as she effortlessly pulls out her pocket knife, carefully pushing the door fully open. As she steps into the living room, her eyes dart to the closed door of her mother’s room, but when she hears a creaking sound coming towards her bedroom, she cautiously moves towards the source of the noise, the grip on her knife tightening. As she creeps up, she sees the door of her room half opened, a hooded figure standing by her bed with their back facing her.

Bea stealthily sneaks up to the figure placing the knife a few inches from their throat before lowering her voice to a threatening tone, “who are you and what the fuck are you doing?” The figure gasps, dropping a bag that’s in their hands with a deafening thud before raising their hands in a sign of surrender.

“It’s me, it’s me,” the voice whimpers out.

“AJ?” Bea raises her eyebrows, retracting the knife from his throat while pulling down his hood with her other hand. “What the fuck are you doing?” Bea takes a step back while AJ scrambles grabbing the bag he just dropped moments before. When he turns to face Bea, his eyes are wide, filled with fear as he clutches the bag closely to his chest.

“I have to go,” he says as he attempts to run out of the room, but Bea pulls him back, her face crumpled in suspicion.

“No we’re not doing this, give me the bag now,” Bea snatches the bag out of his hands before he can protest and opens the zipper to find it filled with cash. She grits her teeth, anger settling into her features as she whips her head up to AJ, “is this my fucking money?”

“Bea, I- I can explain-”

“What the fuck AJ!” Bea throws the bag onto the bed, the cash spilling out as she jabs an accusing finger at AJ’s chest. “You’re stealing from me now? I haven’t seen you in god knows how long, you don’t call, text nothing. Even after everything that’s been happening in the last few weeks but you have the audacity to fucking steal from me? Money that I’ve spent years saving? Money that I’ve bussed my fucking ass off for, are you serious right now?” Bea’s voice is filled with rage as she’s practically screaming, her voice now thundering. AJ winces, guiltily averting his gaze to the ground, unable to meet Bea’s eyes.

“I’m sorry about your mom Bea, I wanted to visit-” AJ croaks out.

“But you didn’t,” Bea interjects, her voice lowered but filled with hurt. “And now you’re taking money- I mean what is so important you had to steal from me.”

AJ paces towards the bed, hanging his head in shame, when he speaks his voice is quiet, full of fear, “I’m in some bad shit Bea. These guys aren’t playing around.”

“I told you not to fall into the wrong crowd, I warned you this shit would happen.”

“Bea please, I’ll pay you back I just need it.”

“No! What the fuck, when will you pay me back huh? This is my college money, I’m not letting you give that away to your crackhead friends.”

“Bea please,” AJ clasps his hands together, his tone pleading, “I don’t know what to do.”

“AJ I have too much shit on my plate right now, I can’t deal with this. You need to find something else, I can’t help you.”

AJ’s face pales but he stands up, and makes his way towards the door, before leaving he turns to look back at Bea, “I’m sorry about everything.”

Bea keeps her eyes trained on her bed where the money is sprawled all over the mattress, “yeah me too,” she replies quietly. Bea hears the front door close and she collapses to the ground, letting the tears flow.

……

A few days later, Bea sits in her dark living room, curtains shut and lights completely off as she wallows in her sadness, drinking from a bottle of cheap beer, as she stares absentmindedly at the ceiling, so drowned in her thoughts she doesn’t hear the resounding knocks on her door until she hears a voice call out, “Bea! Are you there?”

Bea crumples her brows, forcing herself to stand as she makes her way to the door, she wearily makes her way to her front door only slightly opening the door before poking her head out. “Veronica?” Veronica gives the girl a wide smile before pushing the door more open, ushering the figure behind her into the house too, “Carter? What are you guys doing here?’

Veronica looks around the dark room, noticing the pile of empty beer bottles on the floor, “yikes, drinking on your own on a friday night Hughes? That’s really sad.” Carter stands near the edge of the living room, as if he’s an explorer, his eyes darting all over the living room as he assesses this new environment.

Bea on the other hand scowls at Veronica, “what the hell do you want Veronica, I’m not in the mood.”

Veronica frowns slightly, pouting her lips together, “we heard about you and Poppy.”

Bea rolls her eyes, “yeah well I’m trying to forget about her.” Bea picks up her beer bottle from the ground and makes a show by exaggeratingly drinking from the bottle until it's empty. She discards the empty bottle along with the other ones before turning to look at Veronica and Carter, “so if you’ll excuse me.”

Veronica steps towards Bea, wrapping her hand around the brunette’s arm, “we’re not here for Poppy stupid, we’re here for you.”

Bea raises an eyebrow, “for me?”

Veronica turns to look at Carter, beckoning him forward, Carter breaks out of reverie and clears his throat, “yeah uh, we wanted to take you to a party.”

“A party?” Bea looks between them confused, “I’m not that interested guys.”

“Wait, wait, wait Bea,” Veronica pleads, pulling Bea closer to her, “you’ve never been to a Belvoire party and the year is almost over, we thought we should take you to at least.”

“I don’t know guys,” Bea says skeptically, “a lot of people don’t like me.”

“Who gives a shit? You just had your heart broken and you need to let loose.”

Bea sighs, pulling away from Veronica, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Come on, it beats drinking in the dark on your own.”

Bea sighs, dropping her shoulders, “what about uh Poppy?”

“Poppy?” Veronica arches a brow, “her and Chloe are staying in tonight, she said she needed to catch up on homework or something.”

Bea purses her lips together in thought before sighing, “fine.” Veronica cheers, “but,” Bea over enunciates, “only for a few hours and if I don’t like it I’m going home.”

“Okay, deal,” Veronica squeals, wrapping Bea in a big hug. Carter chuckles as Veronica gestures for him to join the hug, he awkwardly wraps his arms around the two girls, before pulling away.

“Okay, I’ll wait in the car while you girls get ready. Just uh don’t take too long.”

Veronica playfully rolls her eyes as she Bea towards her bedroom, yelling back “thanks Carter.” Giddy, she rushes to Bea’s closest, assessing her clothes until she finds a short red dress hidden in the back. “This!”

“No, no, no,” Bea shakes her head, pulling the dress out of the ombre-haired girl’s hands.

“Why not? It would look so hot on you,” Veronica’s eyes trail down Bea’s body, as she sharply inhales. “Bea, you’re single and sexy, stop holding yourself back okay?”

“I’m not,” Bea pushes back defensively, “I just-” she sighs heavily, “no one at Belvoire has ever seen me dressed up, I’m just- I’m nervous I guess.”

“Then we have to show them what they’ve been missing for the last three years,” Veronica gives Bea a devilish smile as she takes the dress from Bea’s hands, sliding the dress off the hanger before handing it over to Bea.

“Uh you gonna stay in the room?” Bea nervously wrings her hands together.

“Why, are you offering a show?” Veronica lifts a teasing brow, noticing Bea’s cheeks redden slightly, which prompts her to let out a small laugh, “I’m kidding, don’t worry I won’t look.” Veronica makes a show of raising her hands to cover her eyes. Bea laughs as she slips out of her clothes and into the dress, she awkwardly clears her throat, grabbing Veronica’s attention.

“Hey, uh help a girl out with her zipper?”

“Sure,” Veronica moves to stand behind Bea, her hands ghosting around Bea’s exposed back, her breath momentarily taken away. She sturdies herself and places one of her hands on the small of the brunette’s back while the other moves towards the zipper, zipping the girl up. Bea smooths the dress down with her hands appreciating herself in the mirror, “you look gorgeous,” Veronica whispers into the shell of her ear.

Bea’s face completely flushes red and slightly jerks at Veronica’s admission, “uhh thanks.”

Veronica notices the awkward shift in the atmosphere, and promptly changes the subject, “so where’s your sister?”

Bea sits in front of her mirror, a comb in her hand as she brushes her long locks, “she’s staying at a friend’s tonight.”

“Cool,” Veronica answers back but her tone falls flat. The girls bask in the awkward silence as Bea continues to get ready but when Veronica notices Bea struggling to do her winged eyeliner she breaks the silence. “Hey do you need help?”

Bea smiles bashfully, “yeah.” She rubs the back of her head with her hand, “sorry Poppy used to help me with my makeup.”

“Right,” Veronica’s face slightly falls but she quickly covers it up, ushering Bea to come and sit on the bed. “Come on, I don’t bite,” Veronica bites the bottom of her lip, “unless you want me too.” Bea laughs but obliges sitting on the edge of the bed. Veronica clambers onto her lap, her thighs settling on the sides of Bea’s legs, and in response, Bea’s eyes widen in surprise but she remains glued in her spot, too shocked to move.

“V, what are you doing?” Bea whispers, her voice attempting to come across as reprimanding but it comes out as breathy.

“Relax, I’m just doing your eyeliner.” Veronica plucks the wand from Bea’s hand and angles herself close to the brunette’s face, as she begins drawing on the wings on Bea’s eyelids. Bea steadies herself, as she feels the heat of Veronica’s body so close to hers and when Veronica is finished with putting the finishing touches on her eyelids, she hops off Bea’s lap, making her way towards the desk, scuffling through Bea’s makeup bag before taking up her place on Bea’s lap once again. “Now I think this colour would look good on you,”

“You don’t think it’s too much red?”

“Oh babe, red means power, dominance, you don’t wanna be thinking about Poppy the entire night, you wanna have all eyes on you Bea Hughes.” Veronica uncaps the lipstick, her eyes burning into Bea’s lips as she carefully applies the red colour to her lips. “Perfect.”

Bea smacks her lips together, evenly spreading the red on her lips. “Thanks V.”

Veronica’s eyes dart to Bea’s lips, her tongue slightly running along her bottom lips before she breaks out of her reverie flashing Bea a smirk, “don’t thank me yet, thank me when you’re having the time of your life at the party.” Veronica slides off Bea’s lap, holding her hand out, “come on let’s finish up because Carter’s been waiting for a while.” Bea smiles up at Veronica, taking her hand as she lets the ombre-haired girl pull her off the bed, as they continue getting ready.

………

Once they arrive at the party, Carter drops the girls off at the front of the huge house before telling them he will park the car. Veronica’s gaze darts to Bea, who’s nervously toying with her hands, looking up at the intimidating house, the lights blaring and as the music echoes throughout, the bass thumping in their ears. Noticing the nerves settling into her, Veronica slips into Bea's, giving her a reassuring squeeze, “hey, it’s okay, it’s just a bunch of drunk, preppy uptight teenagers, nothing you don't usually face everyday.”

Bea lets out a small laugh, “just in a big ass house,” she jests.

“Yeah, just in a big ass house,” she gives Bea a light squeeze as she starts pulling Bea into the house with her. Automatically, they’re met with stares and whispers, as the students look astonished at Bea, some appraising her outfit, while others are confused about her presence. “Hey, just stay with me okay?” Veronica whispers over to Bea. Bea nods, her eyes roaming the room. “I’ll get us drinks.” The ombre-haired girl gives Bea a reassuring pat on her arm and leaves her side and Bea walks into the living room, observing the difference between the vibes of the party between the north and the south. Her thoughts then move to think about Poppy, how Poppy would love going to parties in the north but Bea couldn’t find the appeal in it. Poppy. Poppy, who broke up with her. She’s interrupted from her thoughts by a tap of her shoulder, and Bea turns around to see Veronica offering her a red solo cup, Bea takes a sip and winces.

“What the hell is this crap?”

“Yeah for a bunch of rich kids, their taste in beer isn’t the best,” Veronica jokes, slightly nudging Bea.

“We have way better beer in the south side.”

“That I can agree with.” Veronica looks over to Bea who looks lost in thought, “hey what are you thinking about?”

Bea sighs heavily, “Poppy,” she mutters.

Veronica nods once, “right, yeah.”

“Poppy would’ve loved a party like this, big fancy house an-”

“Bea,” Veronica says, her tone slightly agitated, “this,” she gestures around the room, “is a no Poppy zone. That means we don’t think about Poppy, only about fun.”

Bea nods, “fun. I can do that.” Veronica lifts her cup in the air, “what are we cheering to?”

Veronica gives Bea a smile, “here’s to the first steps in moving on.” The girls tap their cups together before downing their drinks. “Now if we wanna get drunk, we’re gonna need a lot more of these.”

The party is still ongoing, and Bea sits in a circle with a few girls from the volleyball team and a few of the football team and other people she doesn’t recognise while Veronica sits beside her.

“Bea you look so pretty,” one of her teammates says.

“Yeah Bea your makeup is literally gorgeous,” another chimes in.

“Who knew strip tease can clean up well,” Ford jests, but Bea slumps her shoulders a little, remembering that these people are not her friends.

Carter enters the circle slapping Ford on the head as he goes, “shut up, Hughes is cool.” Bea gives Carter a nod of appreciation before looking down at the drink in her hands. Her thoughts move a million miles a minute, but there’s a constant one stuck in her brain, Poppy.

Veronica looks over at Bea, frowning. “Hey come with me.” She stands, excusing herself from the group and Bea follows her close behind.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re gonna play a private game of truth or drink.”

#playchoices #queen b #poppy min sinclair #poppy x mc #star crossed lovers #thank you for waiting #i promise to be more consistent #love you guys

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aegor-bamfsteel · 3 years

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How long does it take to travel to King’s Landing from Dragonstone?

I wanted to focus a meta on a seemingly minor detail that, if you look into the likely circumstances surrounding it, reveals an important piece of characterization of Da3ron II that I don’t think has been discussed. AWOIAF says, regarding Da3ron’s reaction to his father’s death: “[he] departed Dragonstone within the fortnight after learning of his father's demise and was swiftly crowned by the High Septon in the Red Keep.”

If Aegon IV had died, and then Da3ron had arrived from Dragonstone and been crowned within 2 weeks (equal to a fortnight) of this death, that would’ve been understandable. However, the “and” signifies that Da3ron was crowned after the fortnight; it took within a fortnight of being told of Aegon’s death (not Aegon’s death proper, just when he heard the news) for Da3ron to pack his things and travel from Dragonstone to King’s Landing. The implication is that the journey from Dragonstone to KL takes nearly two weeks by sea. I was so puzzled at the idea that the Targaryen’s home castle was so far away from their capital (that they chose to build in that location partially because it was that close to Dragonstone) I checked the Errata of The World of Ice and Fire to see if it was a misprint in the way Myriah Martell’s name was; it was not. Da3ron took nearly two weeks after hearing of his father’s death to arrive at King’s Landing, and was “swiftly crowned” only after. Which leads me to ask, how many miles by sea does it take to travel from Dragonstone to King’s Landing?

According to a map of Westeros and assuming that it is to scale, someone worked out the distance as 420 miles/675km by sea; it is 100 miles/160km from Dragonstone to Sharp Point on the mainland, and then 320 miles/515km of traveling west along the coast to King’s Landing. It is not mentioned what type of ship Da3ron took (galley, longship, carrick, caravel, etc; all of which travel at different speeds based on how they’re built, with longships being the fastest and galleys the slowest), how experienced its crew was (although since Dragonstone is known for its navy, you’d think they would be experienced), or if the winds were favorable, so I’m going to estimate the slow, average, and fast speed of arrival from Dragonstone to KL based on the sources:

If Westeros is anything like our world and the equator is located south of Dorne, then the prevailing winds would blow from east to west (easterlies) south of the Neck and from west to east (westerlies) north of the Neck. Dragonstone and King’s Landing are located south of the Neck, so the prevailing winds would be trade winds/easterlies; in other words, Da3ron would’ve had the wind on his side leaving Dragonstone, which would’ve increased his speed by as much as 1 knot/1.15mi. Travelling at less than 4mph/3.5knots per hour generally meant a sailing ship was travelling with unfavorable winds, so we can assume Da3ron never reached below that speed.

Ideal Conditions:

Under ideal conditions (favorable winds, a skilled crew) a sailing ship could average around 6knots/6.9mph over a trip (pre-modern vessels could “sprint” up to 12 knots, but this wasn’t sustainable). This translates to 168 miles per day, assuming sailing in the day and night (which Da3ron would’ve had to do at least on the first part of his journey to Sharp Point, as he’s sailing the open ocean). 420mi/168mi/d= 2.5 days, or 60 hours at maximum speed

Assuming Da3ron took a caravel, the maximum speed of which is 9mph or 150 miles per day, it would’ve taken 420mi/150mi/d= 2.8 days, or 68 hours at maximum speed

I doubt Da3ron took a galley, considering it is a slow ship most often used for war, but non-ironborn nobility in Westeros do seem to have more of them to their name (Cersei, Stannis, Alyn Velaryon use them as flagships) than other ships, so I’ll put these numbers in to show that even at the slowest built ship Da3ron should’ve made better time. They are on average about 3/4 as fast as caravels, so at maximum might reach 6.75mph, 112mi/d, so 3.7 days or about 90 hours at maximum speed

Average conditions:

The average sailing ship could go around 5knots/5.75mph; this translates into 73 hours or 3 days 1 hour on average

Average speed for a caravel is 4.5mph or 90-100mi/day. The lower range indicates this trip would take 112 hours, or 4 days 16 hours; the upper range is 101 hours, or 4 days 7 hours on average

Average speed for a galley is about 3knots/3.45mph; this translates to about 122 hours, or about 5 days on average

Slow conditions (slowest possible with still-prevailing winds):

As explained before, going less than 3.5knots/4mph via sailing ship meant generally unfavorable winds. Assuming the absolute slowest, the ship could expect to make the trip in 105 hours or 4 days 9 hours

Using the ratio that a galley is about 3/4 the speed of a caravel, its slow speed might be 3mph, which translates into 140 hours or 5 days 20 hours

In conclusion, assuming that Da3ron did not stop at any harbors along the way and traveled at a consistent pace, he should have arrived in King’s Landing within one week, not two, of learning of Aegon’s death. Even at the slowest pace, taking the slowest method of water transport, the trip does not equal 6 full days of travel.

It’s possible that, like Corlys Velaryon at the 101 Great Council, he brought the full Dragonstone fleet to King’s Landing to support his claim to the throne if he feared it was in danger (which makes sense in that he took so long to arrive, but was “swiftly crowned” after), but that would’ve lengthened the trip to 6 days at most (since a navy can only travel as fast as its slowest ship, the galley), and certainly not to nearly two weeks, since time is clearly of the essence in thwarting a potential coup. The idea that it took so long to prepare such a navy after hearing of Aegon’s death seems like a stretch considering the old king’s slow physical decline (see below)

A more benign argument is that after he reached Sharp Point, he did stop during the night, but assuming a night is 8 hours, that means even if he stopped every night along the journey (a ridiculously inefficient plan that practically defeats traveling by water, but to stretch out the time let’s pretend he might’ve done it) would’ve made the trip 76 hours or 3 days 4 hours at the fastest, and 172 hours or 7 days 4 hours at the slowest. Again, even at the slowest pace, with the slowest method of transportation, and now with long stops, it still would’ve taken barely more than half the time Yandel noted Da3ron actually spent to depart Dragonstone and arrive in King’s Landing. And how many days did he really need to pack his things and leave? I doubt nearly a week was really necessary...

Of course, that Da3ron might’ve taken a slower ship and stopped every night from reaching Sharp Point on ignores why he’s journeying to King’s Landing in the first place: his father just died and he is going to be crowned king, unmistakably the most important event of his life. As the crown prince, he has access to the fastest ships and most experienced crew. This is no time to stop to rest and leave the realm without a king (especially if you believe that others are plotting to take the throne, as Da3ron’s actions after arriving regarding Daemon Blackfyre and his father’s Small Council indicate). There is no technical reason why a journey that should’ve taken 3-4 days instead took nearly 2 weeks. The only possible reason for such a massive delay is a character-based one: that Da3ron did not wish to arrive in the capital so soon. Waiting that long almost undoubtedly meant he was not there for the funeral (given Aegon’s condition at death, it makes me think he was buried shortly after; in addition, the news of the death would’ve had to have reached Da3ron before he could depart, which would’ve taken 1-1.5 days by raven), which would’ve been the best opportunity to show filial piety, or at least pay respects to the old king from the perspective of a successor. Da3ron wore his father’s crown allegedly to prove his legitimacy, but the gesture seems rather empty after taking so long to come to the capital that he missed the funeral, and the coronation itself was the only event described as “swift.” It makes it seem as if he did not care for his father, purposely avoiding the capital until all mourning was done and then claiming his crown. This might have been the case given they were estranged the last years of Aegon’s life, but no matter his personal feelings, it would’ve been politically wiser if he were to come to King’s Landing as fast as he could, especially given the doubts of his legitimacy and his paranoia over claimants to the throne. The very tense succession of Viserys I to Aegon II officially took place on a single day; understandably such a short passage of time wasn’t possible in Da3ron’s case, but potential problems in a succession makes Targaryens act faster, not slower.

What makes matters worse is that Aegon’s death was obviously not sudden in the manner of Viserys II’s. TWOIAF’s description of his demise includes, “he was grossly fat, barely able to walk, and some wondered how his last mistress—Serenei of Lys, the mother of Shiera Seastar—could ever have withstood his embraces.” Serenei was Aegon’s mistress for at least a year, and undoubtedly a man who was barely able to walk does not have long to live. Toward the immediate end “his limbs [were] rotting and crawling with fleshworms”; there was even debate over this condition: “the maesters claimed they had never seen its like, whilst septons declared it a judgment of the gods” in addition to palliative care “Aegon was given milk of the poppy to dull his pain, but elsewise little could be done for him.” It seems like the final stage of Aegon’s illness could’ve taken weeks or even months, if there was time to discuss its cause and for worms to start eating his rotting limbs, or for final treatment and a damning decree to be issued. The health of the king is obviously politically important, especially to his heir, so I think it’s unlikely Da3ron wouldn’t have known about this final illness. Certainly by the time Aegon was unable to rise from his sickbed, Da3ron should’ve been able to tell the end was near; he very well could’ve reached King’s Landing before Aegon’s death, let alone before his funeral. That could have altered the course of Westerosi history if he arrived in time to contest the will that decreed all of Aegon’s illegitimate children be legitimized.

It’s important to note that it’s never explained why Da3ron was unable to undo Aegon’s deathbed decree. The Greens were able to successfully contest Viserys I’s will that Rhaenyra succeed him and instead crown Aegon II, once they got the majority of the Small Council on their side. In real life, Henry of Blois was able to release his brother Stephen and the rest of the barons from the vows they swore to uphold Empress Matilda’s ascension to the English throne, on the grounds that her father king Henry was wrong to make them swear the oath because it would threaten the stability of the kingdom (in addition to bribing the royal steward into alleging that the old king had changed his mind about the succession and nominated Stephen instead, which at least worked for William the Conqueror regarding Edward the Confessor’s will). It would’ve been even easier for Da3ron to contest the will because Aegon was in horrific pain due to ill health and given milk of the poppy, a drug that is known to “fill one’s head with clouds”; Da3ron could’ve said that Aegon was not in his right mind when he made the will and that any deathbed decrees should be discarded. If only he had come early enough to King’s Landing to plead his case before Aegon’s death, or failing that, to try to force a reversal through the High Septon or the royal steward shortly after, things might’ve gone better for him later in his reign.

To conclude what is a much longer meta than I expected, Yandel claimed that Da3ron arrived in King’s Landing from Dragonstone within 2 weeks of hearing of his father’s death. Through estimating the speed of certain ships and the distance between the two castles, we can determine it should have taken at most 6 days and in all probability more like 3-4 days if he conducted himself with any sense of urgency. But instead, he chose to arrive so far after Aegon’s death that he probably missed his funeral, which, coupled with the haste with which he was crowned, shows a lack of respect for a deceased father that goes against the teachings of the Faith of the Seven, the moral authority of Westeros (and probably fed rumors of his illegitimacy). Even worse, the nature of Aegon’s illness was so slow that Da3ron could’ve made it to King’s Landing in time to change or contest his will if he had bothered, thus getting rid of his potential rival’s legitimization. I can only infer that Da3ron’s actions were not motivated by political necessity (and in fact could’ve hurt him politically and socially), but by hatred for his estranged father. I don’t blame Da3ron for loathing a man who abused his mother and tried to start an unprovoked war with his wife’s family. However, I don’t think the characterization of him putting political necessities above personal feelings can hold water, at least where his own are concerned (the feelings of others under his guardianship, such as those of Aerys I, and perhaps those of Princess Daenerys and Daemon Blackfyre, might be different matters). Nor do I believe that he should get a pass for making politically unwise decisions due to personal grudges when Aegor Rivers, who also had long-term vulnerabilities (disgrace at 2 weeks of age, the execution of half of his family at 6 years, invited into a court that hated his family...and that’s before the Blackfyres start getting cruelly murdered) is reduced to a one-dimensional villain for behaving similarly.

#ASoIaF #asoiaf meta #what if #anti daeron ii #worldbuilding #westeros #ships #aegon iv #aegon iv targaryen #valyrianscrolls #travel

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viking-raider · 3 years

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Bound - Part 14 *repost*

Summary: Henry’s called all your family on the way to the hospital and helps you settle in when you finally get there. The labor is really hard on you, but, Henry does everything he can to make you comfortable and support you. Henry, cuddling, playful bickering and listening to sappy songs, is what helps get you through and in the end, your and Henry’s daughter is finally born.

Pairing: Henry Cavill/Reader

Word Count: 3,783

Rating: PG-13 - Fluff, Arranged Marriage, Pregnancy, Protective!Henry, Protective!Kal, Pain and Comfort, Labor

Parts: Pt.1, Pt.2, Pt.3, Pt.4, Pt.5, Pt.6, Pt.7, Pt.8, Pt.9, Pt.10, Pt.11, Pt.12, Pt. 13

Author’s Note: The Henry and Kal protective train keeps on rolling! I really love writing this story, there’s so many places I can go with it!

Henry had called his family and yours to let them know you were in labor, as he drove you to the hospital.

When you were admitted and shown to your room, Henry helped you undress and get into the hospital gown. You sat up in the hospital bed, letting the nurses put in an IV port and everything else they needed to do to make sure your labor and delivery went smooth. Your OB came in a little while later to check on you, see how you were doing and to see how dilated you were.

“It looks like you've just dilated to three centimeters.” She told you, waiting patiently for the contraction you were having to subside. “So, you're officially in active labor and it's just a matter of time until its time to push.”

“How long can that take?” Henry asked, curiously, rubbing your arm as you relaxed.

“It varies, it can be as short as three hours or as long as five. But, all mums are different, especially new ones.” She explained to him. “We'll check how dilated you are in two hours, and go from there. Do you have any other questions?”

“No.” You shook your head at her.

“Nope.” Henry smiled, squeezing your hand. “How you doing, babe?” He asked after the doctor left.

You turned your head and cracked an eye open at him, giving him a look. “What do you think, Witcher?” You asked, smirking.

“I think, you're doing really well.” He blushed, pressing your knuckles to his lips.

“Well, at least one of us does.” You chuckled, pressing your free hand to your stomach as it slowly started to firm up again. “What did your parents say?” You asked, taking deep breathes and preparing yourself for the inevitable.

“My parents, Charlie and Heather are booking a flight to come out here.” He told you, rubbing your back as you leaned forward through the pain. “Your mom and Luke are doing the same thing.”

“Cool.” You said, letting out a long breath.

Henry got up and grabbed one of the wash clothes by the sink in the room and wet it with cold water, sitting down on the edge of the bed, he gently wiped the sweat from your face, pressing the cold cloth to your forehead, the sides and the back of your neck. You smiled softly at him, you always loved how caring and attentive he could be, the amount of love and affection he showed you never creased to amaze you. Henry smiled back at you, resting his hand on your flushed cheek and leaning forward to kiss your forehead.

“Can I do or get anything for you?” He asked, setting the damp cloth aside.

“I'd kill for a cuddle.” You laughed, grinning.

“Shove over, then.” He laughed back, motioning at you with his hand.

“Are you really?” You giggled, surprised.

“You want to cuddle, we'll cuddle.” He said as you rolled onto your side and carefully laid down next to you, draping his arm over your side and gently caressed your belly.

He kissed the back of your shoulder as another contraction came, rubbing your tense stomach, shushing you as you whimpered and whined in discomfort and pain, pressing your back against his chest and grabbing at his hand, squeezing so hard you felt his joints pop and he grunted at the pain, but he didn't pull it away, you needed it more than he needed you to not break his hand. He kissed the back of your neck, when he felt your body go slack against his, wrapping his arm around your torso and hugged you back against him, curving his legs into yours, so you both laid in a near ball together. He picked up his head a few minutes later, when you started laughing.

“What's wrong?” He frowned, rather concerned that you were laughing so hard after a contraction.

“We're spooning.” You laughed, tears dripping down your face.

“Yeah, you wanted to cuddle...”

“I know, but...” You panted. “You're the big spoon, I'm the medium spoon and Lily is the little spoon.” You explained, and started laughing afresh.

Henry pressed his forehead to the back of your neck, and started laughing with you, grinning into your back. “I didn't even think of that.” He chuckled, pressing his lips to your spine.

“I've seen a lot of things.” Your OB said, walking into the room. “Spouses cuddling in bed, is one of them. But, I've never seen them laughing, while they cuddled.” She grinned, chuckling herself.

“Sorry, she made a funny observation.” Henry laughed, shaking his head and getting up.

“It's quite all right.” She assured you both, pulling on a pair of gloves. “Laughing during labor is actually very beneficial. It helps relieve tension, increases air intake and therefore increases oxygen intake, and helps give the full benefit of your endorphins, nature’s painkiller.” She explained, sitting on the edge of the bed, and started checking how dilated you were. “Five centimeters, you're half way there, y/n.” She praised you, smiling brightly.

“Thank god.” You sighed, resting your head back on your pillow.

“Just a little bit longer.” She assured you, then went to make her other rounds.

“I'm going to go get a drink, you want something?” Henry asked, standing up and patting his back pocket to make sure he had his wallet.

“Ice.” You told him.

“Just ice chips?” He made sure.

“Yes.”

“All right.” He nodded, kissing your temple and going out. “Mum!” He grinned, getting off the elevator on his way to the cafeteria.

“How is she doing, sweetie?” Henry's mom asked, hugging him.

“She's doing amazing.” He smiled, hugging her back. “She's five centimeters now, so a few more hours and the baby will be here.”

“How are you holding up?” She asked, rubbing his arms.

Henry took a deep breath, held it for a long moment and let it out, his shoulders dropping. “I'm scared shit-less, I don't know if I'm ready to be a dad. I don't even know, if I'll make a good one.” He raked his hand through his hair and looked down at his mom, reminding her of the little boy that would call her crying everyday at boarding school.

She rested her hands on his face and smiled up at him. “You are going to be an amazing father, Henry. I know you will, and so does y/n.” She assured him, kissing his cheek. “What room is she in?”

“She's in room 18C.” He told his mom, hugging his dad as he came up behind her. “Where's Charlie and Heather?” He asked.

“They're at the hotel settling the kids in, they'll be over in a bit.” His mom told him, pressing the up button for the elevator.

“All right, I'm going to get a drink and y/n some ice chips, so I'll meet you up there.” He said and went down to the cafeteria.

“Marianne!” You grinned as your mother-in-law came into your room.

“Y/n.” She smiled at you, throwing her arms around your neck and kissing your cheek. “You look glowing, love.” she told you, brushing your hair out of your face.

“That's very sweet of you.” You blushed, smiling at her.

She laughed, patting your cheek and moving out of the way so Henry's dad, Colin, could hug you next. You all talked, Marianne would hold your hand and use a cloth to wipe your face, while you had contractions, talking you through it and offered her support to you, Colin got you some water and tried to stay quiet and out of the way. Henry finally came back up to the room with his drink and your ice, he kissed your temple as he gave the ice to you. He'd been detained by Charlie and Heather arriving, they'd left the kids at the hotel with a friend to watch them. They all stayed in the room with you and Henry for a while, before the contractions got to be too much, then removed themselves to the family waiting room down the hall. A nurse came in and gave you a shot of Pethidine in thigh, to try and help with the pain, since you were refusing a epidural.

“You're doing so good, baby.” Henry encouraged you, rubbing your back and shoulders as you stood bent over your hospital bed. “I'm proud of you.”

“Easy for you to say.” You panted. “You're the one with the cock.” You told him, flexing your back and shoulders.

“I know.” He smiled, not taking anything mean you'd say personal, knowing it was just the pain and exhaustion talking, it was something he'd learned to expect from the baby books and birthing classes. “I'm still proud of you.” He told you, moving back and letting you pace the room.

“Thanks, Puppy.” You sighed, pressing your hands to your back.

Henry grinned as you held your arms out to him, wiggling your fingers for grabby hands and he crossed the room to you, letting you rest your arms on his shoulders, hands caressing the back of his hair and rested his hands on your hips, you started to sway together, like you had back home.

“How about we set the mood?” He grinned at you.

“Oh, lord.” You smirked. “Leave it to you, to wanna have sex on the maturity ward.” You teased him as he moved away.

“No.” He blushed, going into the baby bag he'd packed.

Henry pulled out a small speaker, turned it on and opened a music app on his phone, pulling up the labor playlist you and he had put together over the last few months, pressing play. You laughed, hearing Tell Me Baby, by the Red Hot Chili Peppers start to play, softly.

“Tell me, Baby, what's your story?” You smiled, singing the song to him as he rested his hands on your hips again and you put your arms and hands where they had been on his shoulders and in his hair.

“The thing we need is, never all that hard to find.” Henry sang back to you, grinning.

“Run for cover, my sense of fear is running thin. Undercover! Just like a candle in the wind, Tell everybody, tell everybody. Brothers, sisters, the ending is coming.” You sang to Henry, resting your forehead on his and closing your eyes. “Ohhhhh...We are fallen, we are fallen...Ohhhhh, We are fallen, we are fallen. Now, we're just gonna ride it out.”

You chuckled and rested your forehead on Henry's shoulder as Paul Anka's song Put Your Head On My Shoulder, started to play. Henry smiled, caressing the back of your hair and pressing his lips to your temple, shushing you as he felt the warmth of your tears drip onto the skin of his neck as a particularly hard and agonizing contraction tensed up your body.

“You're so close, Nugget.” He whispered into your ear, as you just let yourself have a moment and released all your pain, exhaustion, crankiness and just the general feeling of really being over being pregnant, in a good cry. “Two more centimeters, a bit of pushing, and it'll all be over. We'll have our beautiful daughter in our arms, and it will be worth it, I promise.” He purred, his lips brushing against the cove of your ear and wiped the tears off your face. “I love you, y/n. I am so proud of you. You're going to be an outstanding mother, because you are a phenomenal wife. None of this has been easy, the last two years, for us. Being shoved together by our parents, our first year, the divorce...”

“That lasted ten minutes.” You groaned, throat tightening.

“Still, it was hard.” He whispered, pressing his lips to your ear. “Then, you getting hurt and what happened after that. I know, this pregnancy hasn't been easy for you either. But, we got through it, Nugget. Both of us, together, as one, and we can get through this. Together.”

“As one.” You said, softly, relaxing and feeling better. “I love you, Henry. So much. You're going to be an amazing father, just like you are an incredible husband.” Henry rested his head on your shoulder and the two of you stood there at the foot of your hospital bed, resting against each other, swaying and rocking to the sound of the playlist that was still going, streaming out All of Me by John Legend. How insanely appropriate.

“Henry.” You whispered, almost soundlessly.

“Y/n.” He whispered back, rubbing his hands up and down your back.

“I have the very strong urge to push.” You told him, gulping. “You might wanna get the nurse.”

“All right, let's get you into bed then.” He said, very calmly, and guided you back to bed, making sure you were comfortable, before going to the nurse's station, to tell them you had the urge to push.

A nurse came into the room and check your cervix, finding you were now fully dilated. Things got chaotic after that, Henry rushed out to the waiting room to tell his family that you were getting ready to do the real work, then came back to you. You gripped his hand, super tight, nails digging into the top of his hand, but his focus was on you, using his other hand to mop the sweat from your face.

“You'll be all right.” He said, seeing the fear, you finally let show. “I'm right here.” He told you, gripping your hand with both of his and touch his forehead to yours.

“Don't go.” You panted, and let out a painful groan and whimpered.

“I'm not going anywhere, sweetie.” Henry smiled at you, brushing your sweat damp hair out of your flushed face, looking at you with most tender expression. “You're stuck with me.” He chuckled, starting to shake as emotion and adrenaline kicked in, it was finally hitting you both.

This was it.

In a matter of moments your sweet little girl would come into the world, and life as you both knew it, the life you and Henry screamed, fought, slipped, clawed together, shattered, redefined and created, through it all, was once again changing, for something so much more precious. It was never going to be the same. The world outside would look so different to both of you, seen through the eyes of parents wanting to protect and nurture their child, at any and all costs. This was the last puzzle piece to the picture, and the picture in a whole was so blissfully beautiful and bright.

You threw your head back, every inch of your body drawing tighter than a piano wire, and screamed, the veins in your neck showing as you did. The pain of the contractions now was unbearable and you really regretted foregoing the epidural, it was too late now to get it, too. So, you went to the next best thing, your hand trying to find out how much pressure it had to exert to break Henry's hand, which you so far hadn't achieved, thankfully, and yelling.

“Holy fuck!” You snapped as the nurse helped you bend your legs, getting into position for pushing. “You have to get her out of me, NOW!” You yelled, tearing at the sheets beneath you with your free hand. “Don't you fucking laugh at me, Henry William Cavill, or so help me God!” You threatened him, as he chuckled at you,

He didn't exactly find the situation funny, you were in agony and trying to birth his daughter. But, even being the hot mess you were right now, sweaty, flushed, crying and seriously pissed off, he still found you irresistibly gorgeous. He did find it humorous that you busted out his full name, yelling at him like he was your child, that was being naughty.

“Is this what our daughter has to expect, when she's in trouble?” He asked you, between contractions and smirking at you.

You rolled your eyes and your head in his direction, making him laugh yet again. “I swear, Henry...” You didn't get to finish the sentence as another one hit, and Henry decided to drop it.

“Are you ready to push, y/n?” Your OB asked, positioning herself between your bent and open legs.

“I was ready to fucking push; nine months, a week and three days ago.” You told her, straining against the pain and resisting the urge to push, until she told you too.

“You've been keeping count.” She said, amused and shaking her head. “Let me have a quick look, and we'll see, if you're really ready to push.”

“Fuck me!” You howled, arching your back and whining.

“Y/n.” Henry smiled, shaking his head at your choice words during the contractions. “Our daughter's first word is going to end up being, fuck.”

“Oh, fucking go to hell, you little shit!” You barked at him, purposely putting several cuss words into the sentence. “You say, fuck, more than I do.” You accused him, making murderous eye contact.

“Geralt!”

Henry instantly blushed, a huge and shy smile on his face as he dropped his chin to his chest to hide it. “More than fair.” He mumbled, still to shyly embarrassed to look you in the eye again, or any else in the room for that matter.

“All right, y/n.” The doctor cut in, smirking at your and Henry's banter.

She usually had the wife screaming at the top of their lungs about how much they hated their husband for doing this to them, or angry that they were touching them. But, she rarely saw you and Henry not touching throughout the long seven hours you'd been in the hospital, with some rather painful laboring, or arguing with each other.

Bickering, yes.

But, that's not the same thing. It rather impressed her, and part of her wished more of her patients and spouses were like you and Henry, it made her job a million times better; since she didn't have to play referee between them and goalie for the baby.

“I think, we're on time to push.” She told you, getting comfortable between your legs. “All right?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, out of breath.

“You need to calm down now.” Henry whispered to you, in a gentle voice, petting your hair and caressing the side of your face with his knuckles. “Just focus on your breathing, clear your mind as much as you can and stay relaxed, and calm.” He coached you, so focused on you, that the pupils of his blue eyes were like pin pricks. “I'll be right here with you, the whole time, you have nothing to be afraid of, or worry about, all right.”

“Minus, pushing a whole human out of my body.” You said, trying to put the humor you actually felt about it, in your voice, but failed. Luckily, Henry got the jest of what you were trying for and kissed your cheek.

“Y/n, the next time you feel the need to push, whether it's during or after a contraction, do it.” the Doctor instructed you. “When you do push, I want you to hold it for five, then relax. All right?”

“Right.” You nodded, taking deep breaths in and out.

A few moments later, the very strong urge to push happened and you did what the doctor said, pushing down and held it there as she counted. One....two....three....four....five. Then, relaxed again with your eyes rolling shut, you were so exhausted and spent, and you'd only just got to the hard part. Another urge, another push and count to five, relaxing again. You did it several times, Henry praising you from your side, the doctor encouraging you from down between your legs.

“This is the most fucked up ab workout, ever.” You groaned, relaxing after another push.

“Soon, you'll have better abs than I do.” Henry joked back, wiping a cold cloth across your face.

“You can keep them.” You snorted, grunted and starting pushing again.

“You're doing fantastic, y/n.” the Doctor smiled. “I can see her head, so she's starting to crown.”

“My Princess, already.” Henry grinned looking down, but could see anything with your gown in the way.

“You are a fucking sap.” You chuckled, shaking your head and bearing down again.

“That I am.” Henry smiled, rubbing your back through it. “I have my Queen, and now I'll have my Princess. What more could I ask for?”

“You can ask her to come out faster.” You retorted, letting out a deep breath.

“That request might be filled in the next two or three pushes.” the Doctor told you.

“Two.” You told her, stubbornly.

“Then, make them good.” She remarked, looking up at you and smirking.

“Challenge, accepted.” You smirked back, and when the next urge came, you pushed as hard as you could.

“Little bit more.”

You took deep breathes in and out, in and out, staring up at the ceiling and preparing yourself. It wasn't any different than being on the track. If you could take a nasty fall on your bike and get up, and walk it off. Then, you could give one hell of a last push and welcome your daughter into the world, asking her what took so long. Henry could see the wheels turning in your head as you laid there, waiting for the next push, and knew that that one could be the one to do it. You'd grown exhausted and highly stubborn, a combination that made you dangerous. You slowly closed your eyes, feeling the urge start to build in the base of your stomach, spread up your spine and take control of your mind. Taking a sharp breath in, tensing every muscle you could and bared down with all your strength. Then, felt the incredibly strange wet swoosh from your core, a great pressure relieved in your stomach and let out the breath you were holding and laid back down.

A moment later, the absolutely magical sound of a babying crying filled the room and you knew everything was all right in this new world, feeling Henry's lips on yours and hearing his excited voice, you dozed off for a few minutes.

#Henry Cavill #HenryCavill #Bound #Bound *Fic*#Part 14 #Repost #Henry Cavill/You #Henry Cavill/Reader #Henry Cavill x You #Henry Cavill x Reader #Fluff #Hurt/Comfort #pregnancy #Labor #Family #Daughter #Cuddles #Kal

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windsweptlassie · 3 years

Text

On Love

So as you know I made this uquiz with an open-ended question at the end, tell me something about love, and I’ve gotten the most wonderful responses! They range from descriptions of wonderful partners:

Lauren: oh, how long I went without being myself until I met him and he showed me who I truly was and that my worth was higher than I ever thought was possible

Levi: I love who we are with each other. I love who I am with you. In your company I am me. In your company I am the best of me. The best with the best, I've told you. I wouldn't give you up for anything

Daniel: i fell in love for the first time when i was 17... at the time, i didn’t realize it was the first time, i thought i’d been in love before, a couple times actually, but falling in love at 17 was such a fulfilling experience, it felt so forceful yet so right. it’s when i first truly understood what love was. never before had i felt so understood and so cared for as i did when i was in love with her, and she was in love with me. it’s been nearly 4 years since then, and nearly 3 years since we broke up and stopped talking, and still, i think about her almost every day. i’ve never known anyone like her; to me, she was love itself.

El: oh i’m in love with everyone that i know op!!! especially my girlfriend, of course ,but also my friends and my family and random people on the street and uh

Grace: i’ve met my soulmate and we plan on getting an apartment and marrying after college

A: I’m going to ask the woman I love to marry me and I just wanted to tell someone because I am so excited

Jeremy: you ever have that feeling where basically after years of denying that someone couldnt understand you in a way or love you and then the next thing you know you happen to find that person and its just great from then on out? idk how to explain it anyways I love my boyfriend so much he means the world to me

Lucy: i am so happy i have found the one i love

to descriptions of best friends and favorite people:

Nightbyrd: Love is a hug from an alzheimer's patient who hasn't the foggiest idea who you are, but they know you're worth hugging.

H: I have been doing so much yoga with my roommate recently!! It's a great way to center my mind for an hour

Riv: [platonic] i’ve literally never met anyone who understands me in the way that my best friends do. they’re literally the best people in the whole world and i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without them. i love them with my whole heart

Cillian: when i talk about how much i love my best friend i get so teary eyed because i cant believe that such a genuinely wonderful person wants to speak to me every day - i care for her more than anyone else on this planet

O: my two besties are my sources of happiness and they’re so pretty i would die for them :D

to beautiful quotes:

Kai: "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." DARCYYYY PLS MY HEART CANT HANDLW THIS PAIN

Dorian: When the plane went down in San Francisco, I thought of my friend M. He’s obsessed with plane crashes. He memorizes the wrecked metal details, ____the clear cool skies cut by black scars of smoke. Once, while driving, he told me about all the crashes: The one in blue Kentucky, in yellow Iowa. How people go on, and how people don’t. It was almost a year before I learned that his brother was a pilot. I can’t help it, I love the way men love. (accident report in the tall, tall weeds- ada limon, bright dead things)

Adam: every day I think about lemony snicket I will love you if I never see you again I will love you if I see you every Tuesday or however it goes. and it KILLS ME. love only fits in small things

Hero: “Your heart beats in my ribs and mine in yours, and both in God’s… The divine magnet is in you, and my magnet responds.” - Herman Melville to Nathaniel Hawthorne

Mary: "Love is watching someone die."

Alex: "meet me at blue diner, i'll take coffee and talk about nothing baby"

Sparrow: "How dare you love me like you've never known fear?" and "For you, the world," and "Darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades," and "Will you start where I end?"

V: " You want to die for love. You always have. " and "someone will remember us, I say, even in another time" are living rent free in my mind 24/7 and I'm shaking. When will I finally be not the only one falling ?

Sahar K: To love another person is to see the face of god!!!

Miriam: all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding- kafka

Juls: Don’t you think they are maybe the same? Love and attention

to practices of love:

Leo; i love feeling happy bc somebody that i love is happy and comfortable....like its not about me i just love seeing you smile. we are safe together...idk i just feel it bro

A: I like to think love is leaning on each other during the light or dark days. Its a personal mission of mine to find out who I am and what I want. Yet I never seem to find my place in this world and as I look and look , I realise the only place I can be myself even with or without the efforts to find myself was done on that day or not, I am always tired so shall I lean on you? And you can lean on me as well. I shall be your fig tree and you shall be my favourite willow tree.

L: It's too late at night to be soul searching, but it's a journey we all seem to find ourselves on these days.

Anthi: feeling safe and at home, I guess (also I love frogs)

Julia: ive found that loving someone is like becoming your own thesaurus. you have to find or come up with infinite ways to say, you’re beautiful, or, i love you. it’s a gift

Galexies: ive been writing letters to the person i'd love one day since i was 14. i write them in a little journal usually, but i've been digitizing them into emails and sending them to one account that i'll give to them someday. i'd like to put pictures, but i haven't been outside much recently so theres that. i wonder if they'd like the sunsets i have on file, or if they'd find my cat cute in a bowtie.

Caeles: Love is sharing fruit slices and making someone tea at random

Dundy: Love is sending your friends cursed shit and watching them react in horror

to crushes and potential loves:

Jess: I have a crush on my roommate. It sucks, but it's also wonderful. I get to be around him all the time when we're at school. we share a life together; it's rather domestic. I think a lot about marrying him and being domestic with him forever. It won't happen, and I'll move on eventually, but I'll be happy with him for as long as I can. I hope you feel loved tonight, because you are. Sleep well.

Aki: I so desperately want to believe that love is fake because I’ve seen what happens when loved ones leave but whenever I start to convince myself that I’ll never love anyone my best friend messages me telling me she loves me. She’s the only person I’ve ever pictured having a future with but love scares me and I don’t really know what to do but I think as long as she’s with me in some way, I’ll be fine

Hi: her her i keep thinking abt her.... gonna see her in 8 days or so i really miss her. its ok if shes never gonna love me like i want her to really being her friend spending time with her makes me the happiest girl on earth.... outsold antidepressants

Kit: this guy i have a crush on has hypnotically dark brown eyes and he's wonderful and shows me kindness like no one else

Juno: my crush has all the stars in his eyes

Mads: When I have the courage to meet my eyes with hers, the world stands still

Be Nice To Me: Look bro I never do these but I am yearning to hold them SO badly right now and someone needs to know it besides me

to the trials of love:

Pppppp: I just wanna love like from the movies and what I read about.. but everyone tells me that that’s fictional and rare to find in the real world and it sucks bc it seems like all the guys I’ve met are terrible and the norms of society are all about not respecting women and uthdjdjdk

Manny: I have been in love before and I will be again but I’m not now and I miss it

Ok: I don't think I've ever been in love, though I love many people. I am waiting for the day I look at someone and can say, YES. IT'S YOU.

Chloe: idk rn i'm like okay with my love and i'm happy so we'll see i'm just a little cautious rn bc my last partner told me i didn't know how to love

L: love is so fucking complicated I don't even know where to start

Corrin: He’s not real and it worried me that I will never allow myself to live or be loved because I will always be waiting for him

Sean: Good luck it dont exist

Serena: i want 2 b in love :(( </3

13: I don’t know anymore

M: I just really don’t like dealing with it lol

to beloved characters:

Janaya: I’m madly in love with my comfort and kin character and I hope maybe in the afterlife I can relive a life with him in some sort of dimension

Jhgjdf: when i was a kid i had a crush on ash ketchum from pokemon and id always daydream about being a female pkmn trainer and meeting him and we fall in love

to advice and prose:

Mikolai: Love is earth, gentle and soft at first flight but upon being broken, drowns you in the dry choking wastes of its consequences...

Thex: Your hands will not go cold without someone to hold them. I am here. I will be here.

Kat: it is the nearest proof to god that i find myself surrounded by people who love in a way that complements so wonderfully the way i love

H: believe in love out of spite believe in love to prove everyone wrong believe in love because you were told not to and we will not do what we’re told anymore believe in love because it’s the strongest act of teenage rebellion we have left believe in love because it’s easier not to and when is easy worth doing? believe in love because everything says otherwise but you are untouchable, you are your own, you are not made by their design believe in love because, perhaps, you are love

Ali: I used to want a kind of love that feels like coming home and now I want nothing more than to be away from home on many different adventures

Em: you dont need to love yourself to accept it from others

to the small, the simple, and the sweet:

Ireal: Poems

O: Flowers

Fay: ah im sorry that i’m feeling unmotivated but you are very kind.

Ad: we love LOVE

A: <3

Isak: small things

H: intense

Hey: Listening to a clock ticking away

S: her

E: <3

Hania: Amorous, I adore that word ^^

Catboy: wholesome

J: i love love so much it hurts

Emmy: hi i love the song darkest of discos!! try and give it a listen!! <3

Nora: Love is painful, but most of the time love is great

Ariel: i like the comfort it can bring

M: i love love

to food!

Cool Whip: Matzoh ball soup!!

Woop: I love sausages.... I hope that's ok with you?

and animals too <3

Nee: hmm i have pet geckos and i love them very much!

96: raccoons ????

DJ Big Penis: cats

:3: I Love frogs,,, love is stored in the frog,,,

I hope that this serves as a sweet compilation of what love means! Love to all of you, it warms my heart so much to hear about your people and your geckos and your characters and soup and all the songs and quotes you love. <3 Strength to all of you who are figuring out to do about your feelings for your crush, and congratulations to you who are proposing or moving in with your person! Your words are a source of light to me, truly.

#on love #love files #uquiz #mine #shut up queenie #long post

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words-for-holland · 4 years

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Happier (2) | T.H.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Kate and Harrison question Y/N on why she really left Tom. Natalie and Harrison become Tom’s shoulder to cry on. Another message?

A/N: By popular demand, Ive decided to continue Happier! Thank you for the support !

Traumatic

The only word that can describe Y/N and Tom’s experience after being apart for a whole week. The feeling where you wake up from an awful nightmare praying to never experience it again. The only difference, this was no nightmare. It was very much real.

Happiness and love were now just meaningless words for them. Days and nights can pass, but the emptiness in their hearts stayed. While Y/N had her fair share of reasons for being apart, Tom still couldnt understand. She had to have known that no matter what, Tom would always pick her. With the slightest ounce of hope, he’d text Y/N at least once a day to make sure she was okay. But each unanswered text brought a wave of disappointment.

“Hey mate...Cmon I know you’re waiting for her, but now’s not the time.” Harrison explained, his heart breaking for his best friend. “You need to give her the space she needs.”

“I just cant believe she really left me.” Tom muttered. His head hung low, hair an unruly mess, and his facial hair sprouting, but his eyes remained the same. Brown, puffy and welled up with tears. “All because of these stupid fucking rumors!” He yelled out in frustration throwing his phone at the closet. Tom sulked into the closet to grab his phone, right next to it was a small box that contained a promise he was going to make to her, had everything not gone all to shit.

“Shit...” Harrison muttered. “You were going to propose to her.” He knew Tom was bound to pop the question to Y/N, but he never thought he’d see the day that she would fall out and leave his best friend. Yet, it all seemed off. In the time he knew Y/N, she was never the one to give up, especially when it came to Tom.

“Yeah...I was going to ask on our anniversary next month. I love her...more than anything.” Tom confessed, staring at the diamond cut ring. “Before she left, she wished me happiness. Saying I’d be happier with Natalie, but i just don’t believe that.”

Harrison was about to open his mouth, when Natalie popped in their doorway, giving a small sympathetic smile. “Hey...I heard you two in the hallway. Is everything alright?” She asked.

“Mmm..Nat. I don’t think now’s the —”

“No it’s okay. She can come in.” Tom interrupted Harrison as he gestured Natalie to sit with them.

“Look. I know you’re upset by the whole thing, but you shouldn’t have to be.” She explained, her hand rubbing Tom’s for comfort. “She left you. For what? Because she couldn’t ignore a few comments about us...When there wasnt an us to begin with? She just didn’t care about you as much as you thought she did.”

“Yeah, but Natalie this is Y/N and Tom. The bond between them was supposed to be unbreakable. They’re practically soulmates.” Harrison argued. “It doesn’t mean that Y/N didnt care for him.”

“Look Im just saying if she really loved Tom with all her heart she wouldnt have left him because of me.” Natalie spoke out, flipping her dirty blonde hair to the side. She grabbed Tom’s hand again, and gently stroked soft circles. For Tom it felt good, but it wasn’t Y/N’s touch. Y/N would have traced squiggly lines on the top of his hand because it was less boring.

Harrison scoffed at her gesture. Sure he had known Natalie to be a flirt at times but never picked her to be the friend that got too friendly with another after a messy breakup. “I’ll be back. Have to make a call.” He muttered as he walked away from the most cringey and awkward situation a person has ever been in.

As Harrison made his call, Natalie scooted closer to Tom, leaning on his shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him. “Tom...I know it hurts, but you have to believe she wasn’t right for you. There are so many girls out there that could treat you better.”

“What like you?” Tom rolled his eyes as he put the ring away.

“If you wanted me, yes I could. I’d handle your career and your personality better than anyone else. I dont want to seem forward but I always imagined you’d end up with me. Its silly but I wanted that with you, the whole romantic movie experience.” She explained, endlessy spilling out her idealistic fantasy with him.

Tom was shocked by what he heard. To him Natalie was just a friend he had known most of his life. Maybe there was one time he did have a slight crush on her but that was just it. It was an attraction and nothing more. He thought for a great deal, wondering if this was where it all went wrong. Maybe he should have listened to Y/N more. “Tom did you hear what I said?” Natalie spoke up again, this time threading her fingers on the nape of his neck.

Tom shrugged her off, as he shook his head. He couldnt do this right now, he needed to be alone. “Look lets deal with this another time. I just...I really need to run right now...alone.” Tom excused himself as he grabbed his airpods and quickly left the room. Truthfully he always hated running, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Meanwhile back in the States, Y/N still felt the affects of her heartbreak. She trudged through the New York apartment like a zombie with no purpose, waiting for someone to finish her off already. It wasn’t like she wanted to break it off, but it was the only logical solution at the time. The only problem, it built off a lifetime of regrets.

Kate watched Y/N from afar, the message she read still clouding her mind. Her best friend was terrible at keeping secrets, let alone she was always the first person Y/N would go to if she ever had one. She observed her very closely, waiting for Y/N to come to her.

Kate felt the usual vibrations of someone calling her phone. Again another unknown number? It was almost similar to the one Y/N had recieved. Maybe it was a robo-call or a psychotic fan, which if it was she’d have to talk with Tom about. A mental note she promised she would get too.

“Listen I dont know who you are, but if its the same person that sent my best friend a threatening message that she’s better off breaking up with her boyfriend...I swear to God I’ll fucking punch you in the face.” Kate threatened, her eyes glaring and fist balling up on the counter.

“Whoa...chill out. It’s me, Harrison. Im a friend of Tom’s.”

Kate looked up with surprise with a helpful pinch of embarassment and relief. “Oh. Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to know how Y/N’s holding up. I know she broke up with Tom, but something’s just not right about this. Has she told you anything?” Harrison confessed.

Kate shook her head as she continued to watch Y/N lie on the couch mindlessy scrolling through an already watched list on Netflix. “No. It’s like her soul left her body. I can barely get through to her.”

“Blimey, it’s the same with Tom. This is ridiculous, we should just get them together so they can talk about it.” Harrison groaned, thinking how stupid this all was. They could have saved each from the heartbreak and depression. “Are you sure there’s nothing she told you?”

Kate hesitated for a moment on whether she should answer. “Well... there may be one thing, but she didnt talk per say. It’s more of what I found.”

Harrison stood up, intrigued by her response. “Oh really what did you find?”.

Kate was about to answer until she hear a text go off on her phone.

Unknown:

I wouldnt say anything if I were you 😚

She squinted at the text when another popped up.

Unknown:

That is...if you want to keep your friendship with Y/N 🤫

“Uhh..it was nothing actually. Just found a wallpaper of her and Tom. She hasnt changed it since they broke up and she got a couple of messages......from Tom.” She lied haphazardly.

Harrison was confused and disappointed by her answers, knowing it led to nothing. While Kate was a great liar among all things, this wasn’t her best work. Of course it was all planned in hopes that Harrison, if he was really smart enough, could figure it out.

Harrison was not that smart, but he was a good lie detector, and that was all he needed to know something was definitely up and Natalie, although may be a good friend of his, became a prime suspect.

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #peter parker imagine #peter parker #peter parker x reader

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dedeuteros · 3 years

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Ouuhh wait i forgot i wanted to blab last week. Last ever season of ballroom dancing or whatever we do </3 First dance was last week, had another one tonight. Its so weird bc its like lolzies i just do this sometimes for funzies . But this is my 7th year hot damn. I cant recognize more than maybe 4 dances by name, but i suppose im well aquatinted with the moves at this point. Liikkeee its truly wild watching 6th graders coming for their very first dance clueless beyond measure knowing nothing. Like whaaaatt you dont know how to stand in a circle????? (Actually, i dont blame them its a lot to take in, but theres a point where i cant tap a pair for the 10th time telling them to turn 45 degrees . Like babes ur doing great but why are u standing like . Its like this - - - / - -?? Bc if there were more space it might not be a problem but if the direction is a basic forward then eventually they start running into peoples sides while the group is stepping straight in and out of thebcircle.) anyways.

Like i know i didnt know which foot i was on was important until liiikee my 4th or 5th year. Hypocrite that i am lol. But also im not surprised bc trying to explain to kids which foot is never pleasant. If theyre confused theyre usually confused beyond saving and u just gotta shrug ur shoulders together and go. Yeah we’ll be fine go get em tiger. (Unrelated i wish line breaks werent so massive holy shit)

So super fun. Being afab in this location. I dont mind dresses et cetera, love them generally, but the lack of freedom in what i can wear is ehhhh. I usually just, dont think abt it bc i like dancing anyways and im too distracted by counting out the steps. BUT! usually the ratio of girls to boys in older groups is not so even, so instead of lettingvthe kids dance among themselves we (junior helpers) have to deploy the full set of ourselves to dance as gentlemen (much to the dismay of the guys in my age group who would rather not dance at all, despite .. where we are) so yours truly, liking to dance as often as i can, gets to be a funny little man in a dress for the night! Im always nervous for the parents who might be snooty abt their daughters dancing with “another girl” but the girls themselves seem fine. One real lovely lady was even so kind as to tell me my hands were far less sweaty than most guys <3 (not true but I appreciate it)

The age (7yr) old issue is that in these dances the “gentleman is the leader” so given they know the dance (often do not) and have the confidence (a handful do not hide how much theyd rather be somewhere else) they would lead and ladies should follow (“even if hes wrong” which i would call bullshit on if i wasnt messing up the same amount). SO since they lead, the steps are such called for them. To begin teaching most dances, the director also calls for the girls but after a while ur expected to either know or be able to follow. I’m pretty practiced in my left and right and their reversal. Tldr: ive learned absolutely everything completely backwards so even if the director calls basic left, I automatically move right.

Trans and masc girl wins in the house this year!!! Its been a mess to some degree, since both wear suits/ vests. Ive been called over a few times to fill in bc “two boys are dancing together” and just had to tuen my ass back around. Ladies wear gloves <3 at least at their lvl, im ant to start bopping my boys on the head if they keep doing that. BUT i havent talked to one of them. But. The smaller lady was having trouble so i was trying to help out and stay near (bc even tho i hate the dress code, i do understand that its easier to have less confusion in switch partner dances if theyre all dressed distinctly “girl” or “boy” . We had no small amount of confusion tonight) uhhhbb uhh. O yea i was just sticking with her and making sure the partner switching wasnt getting messed up and . Idk just generally making sure she was getting help when she seemed confused. Normally i feel awful being hovery when a pair keeps messing up and i correct them bc i know they dont understand my correction anyways and they feel bad for being singled out. But im fucking cryng. She said thank u for helping :^(( no one ever ever says that and ive been helping for like 3 years. Made me so so happy i hope shes well

OUUHHHG TONIGHT WE DID THE TANGO!!! not rlly The Tango. A terrible childrens edition cannibalized version of the tango </3 i dont think ive done it in YEARS???!$& but its one of my favorites!! Got to do it with two groups!! So not only twice, but also different guys . One of them was better, but one of them was also not an 8th grader . I think. We actually had an 8th grader filling in since my helper group has gotten smaller over the years. Anyways i LOVE when we do like. The waltz and the tango bc they have, for what i assume is every year since i started, played the same shitty ass busch gardens ass royalty free music. I CANNOT take it seriously . Ouhhh but also since one of the groups that tango ed was older, it was a few more steps. The variety that keeps me awake after nearly 6 hrs.

Anyways i could talk abt this a lot more but eye am SO sleepy so if i remember I’ll probably jus add onto this tomorrow <3 bc idk its kinda geeky and not impressive to most ppl so i dont get to talk abt the lil details but its been ALMOST 7 YEARS!!! I have a lot to say!!!

#ad rambles #long post

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macklives · 4 years

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hey so this is gonna be a long-ish one. ive decided its been far too long since i did a session, and we did so many i can often forget what happened. i started in july and im pretty sure its been more than half a year now since this whole blog happened. and in that time, we’ve gone through 88 sessions and i want to know if i remember the relevant plot points and what we got up to in the last few sessions. a refresh/reminder if you would.

so i hereby commence my own little recap of act 5 because yeah no, its too much to do a recap of everything and i have andrew for that after every few acts. but i wanna refresh my mind on act 5 for now. so here we go.

1. alternia.. fucked up place. but its a place the trolls live on so what are we gonna do about it? overthrow the government? seems about right, lets do that with the next troll that gets introduced and if its not kanaya idk what andrew is doing by not having introduced the best troll yet. why the long wait? it was the second introduced? i honestly expected it to go in order when i first read act 5, because first we had karkat talk to jade which was the first new piece dialogue in the comic besides the main kids, but then we had kanaya with rose, which was followed by tavros, then terezi (iirc). so id assume we were following that order but nope karkat got fully introduced, then this random fucking juggalo called gamzee made its way into the comic. imagine my surprise.

2. theres been terminology throughout act 5, that i do not fucking know and will not remember and probably never will. like tf is a perigee again? i made a doc somewhere ill probably find it.

3. karkat’s introduction... short but very sweet. and by sweet i mean we got to know the depths of the angry edge lord. and by depths i mean karkat got angry at gamzee for typing in a way that he didnt like so he yapped like a chihuahua. nah, but seriously, i do like karkat tho, hes growing on me but only bc hes a bitch baby and his whole personality makes me want to mock him so thats the reason im not that annoyed and think hes funny, and the most harmless troll. even more so than tavros. and thats saying something. 7.5/10 bc im generous.

4. then gamzee... the high juggalo troll who has the worst typing quirk imo, i cannot for the life of me read it. but hes chill, i actually really like gamzee. hes funny and the least problematic as of right now. 8.5/10.

5. terezi’s introduction next i think. she likes playing as a lawyer with her stuffed dragons, ie by roleplay, shes blind, can see through licking, and she likes eating chalk, maybe its even nutritious. shes good. 9/10.

6. uhh in the process of these intros, there are teams being made? karkat joins gamzee and terezi in, i THINK, the red team?? bc terezi likes red?? could be wrong, i dont remember the teams except that its red/blue to represent sollux’s duality in those colors. terezi then tries recruiting AC but AC is like lol sorry i have to ask this friend of mine who has authority over me for some goddamn reason and terezi goes yuck tf i hate that guy................... yeah thats all we have on the teams. pretty sure sollux had smth to do with karkat about the making of the leaders, and they did the “i hate me” and the “no i hate me more than u hate u” or whatever the fuck that was. they got embarrassed afterwards and deleted their messages. im pretty sure they have no messages because everything ends up being mutually deleted so their logs are actually empty. ngl, kinda enjoyed their convos, made me appreciate their characters. i hope we get more because its good content. i also dont know what order this whole thing is in, who contacted who first? couldnt tell you. ill remember later on. and since im basing this off from memory alone, gotta deal with what i remember. uhhhh so yeah. we havent met all characters yet so the teams have not been officially decided but we got the bases, which is that.

7. god i found it, and the only thing im looking at right now is the terminology list i made and what the fuck?? what the fuck?? you miss a few weeks and suddenly the word nubslurping comes up and you forget what the fuck youre reading.

8. im PRETTY SURE aradia is seen after that whole team fiasco?? or its sollux... maybe. wait. its sollux, right. i just knew someone gets introduced mid way through is all. actually, someone gets introduced after every 20 pages. i have no idea. but ik aradia and sollux go hand in hand.

9. oh shit. OH SHIT! RIGHT! I REMEMBER! so this occurs in the latest session i did, and not the beginning of act 5, but AG and aradia team up, right?? and sollux fucking gets manipulated by them and ??? idk??? they make him find the game, reprogram it and then make him believe its going to end the world (which in hindsight is true, but anyways) so he refuses to play it which was AG’s plan all along so she steps up and becomes leader in his place. but aradia says sollux will still play the game no matter what, but she never went through with the plan for AG but it was apart of a prophecy? that sollux wouldnt be the leader at all? that he’d still play? but it had to go according to plan so it could succeed??? we just dont know why yet. anyways, point being, she still cares for sollux since she did it for him rather than for AG. and thats what i recall. god tf i forgot about that whole drama until writing down “sollux and aradia go hand in hand” which gave me violent flashbacks to the memory.

10. oh and id give aradia 9/10 and sollux 7/10. i do like sollux but if i put him higher than karkat, id get crucified. so im keeping them around the same.

11. man i really like sollux and aradia tho, i may have put him at 7, but i really like their dynamic and i really hope they make up and aradia explains herself about AG. because from one side it looks shitty. and while sollux is rude and never makes up his mind, he apologized to aradia after going off, and that was the only time ive seen him be sincere, so im pretty sure he cares for her to some extent. and i think its somewhat mutual? considering the whole “did it for him” thing. man, i see potential because i actually like both their characters. theyre well written. may not have the best personalities, but i appreciate well written characters and homestuck has the best ones ive seen in a while.

12. oh shit, hell yeah, the more i write, the more im connecting the dots and remembering. however, the more i write, the more i want to just make an analogy post but thats not for now. jesus christ its not all about analogies, mack, this is a recap. but.. how does andrew do it? to not go off track??? hard. telling ya.

13. anyways, didnt we break the fourth wall at some point and have the demon gods or whatever the fuck speak to us in third person for the first time in the comic, after having only gone into second person narrative, right after we were introduced to sollux and his “virus”? the uh, the phrase “the demon was already here” was said, or something along those lines. first line in homestuck to give me the creeps ngl and i appreciate it bc it gives me motivation to know what the fuck its about. its cool bc you have no idea where its going and it sure doesnt have anything to do with the current plot, since the trolls’ session/game doesnt have fucking demons so im curious as to what the fuck that was about. and if i really have to make a theory, i feel it has something to do with aradia’s voices in her head which also connect to the gods rose heard when she started disregarding rules and told dave to look at derse without listening to music bc it was as if he was purposely blocking away their calls. like holy shit, that gave me the shivers. while i do want to know more about wtf happens after act 4, trolls are taking priority right now. just like we did with the intermission. no discussing the kids unless necessary. treat this as its own separate comic. and THEN we can connect.

14. ANYWAYS, tavros’ intro???? that comes afterwards?? with the fiduspawn that made me gag a little on the inside? yep. remember that. fuck that lol. -1/10 but tavros himself is MAYBE a 6/10? i wish we explored his character more in his intro bc right now he just looks like a character made only to be a victim rather than have any depth and i feel thats robbing someone of their full potential. give me more personality andrew, rather than a quivering boy who falls prey to bitches. im expecting more throughout the comic honestly and i hope he gets growth so hes not looked as a “victim” but rather his own character. he is still sweet, and i like him because i want to protect him, but id rather have more info, you know what i mean?

15. oh hell. kanaya had a chainsaw at some point. that made me happy. and didnt she cut off tavros’ legs?? and he got robot ones? and some creepy dude was looking and we called him saggy tits bc hes sagittarius? right? neat. that did happen. pretty sure saggy tits is ACs friend that tells her what to do. the more u know. OH and they all have colored blood similar to their text colors lol. that i remember... so tavros has brown, terezi has blueish green, um. karkat has grey the loser. and apparently it forms a rainbow which is nice. rainbow is good.

16. i dont remember anything else actually

17. wait no i do. AG appeared. shes a petty bully. idk what to say about her. we didnt get that much, except that she hates tavros but is okay with aradia. she also looks like a bottle opener. actually, i think she teamed with aradia to gain leadership rather than to “be friends”. and while that is similar to how karkat did it, meaning the gain, the motivation and how they earned it is entirely different. kinda seeing a trend tho. the leaders of the red/blue teams are both characters who wanted the role, but never had it to begin with. only to win their way into the position. but rather than ask non-stop like karkat did, AG manipulated others so she could be successful. not too sure if she also used aradia for that, or is actually motivated to become friends since they were “past enemies” and she needed a rebound. pretty sure its somewhat both. while AG did mostly use aradia to speak with sollux, what she doesnt know is that aradia is a bad bitch who never even thought about AG and only followed through with the plan bc she had a plan of her own. i guess we’ll look into that later. i lowkey want to know their history.

18. OH AC!!! she appeared for a second as well. love her. shes amazing. 9.5/10. and you may ask yourself, why am i saying “i love this character” but none of them are 10/10?? weellllll its because, and i cant stress this enough, 10/10 belongs to kanaya, i dont make the rules. im waiting for her introduction, shes my favorite and its obvious. sorry.

19. oh huh seems i forgot about the term “lusus”. which.. is.. their parents but not really, its these fucking weird ass creatures that the trolls fought in a cave or something as a child. i dont fucking know. terezi hatched hers and it died? gamzee’s also died but his goat sea dad was never really there to begin with so while it is sad, its more sad that gamzee never saw him? um.. karkat killed his own by exploding his computer bc sollux said dont run the virus and karkat said u cant tell me what to do and did it anyways. so thats on him. but apparently theyre supposed to die, to become prototyped during the game, right? yeah. i remember now.

20. thats.. about it? idk anything else, nothing is coming back to me apart from the shit above. huh.... im surprised how quickly things do come back to you the moment you rant about the plot tho.... handy trick.

cool. neat. fun. this took me too long. but im glad i remember a little bit.

#i wanted to catch u all up on this #but ill most likely do a liveblog tmr bc i was bust today unfortunately apart from writing this out #bc this took priority for better understanding where i am rn #maaaannnn #writing wears me out #i love it #but its tiring the fucking bitch #so im in need for deep sleep #wish i could do more smh #welll #goodnight :)

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shytiff · 3 years

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Apr 2021 Wins

Started typing this on 4th apr lmaooo

1 - went to mcd. bought chicken + rice with the app promo. there’s a staff helping me on the order machine lol i feel badd there’s no need to do thatt. ate my lunchmade by mom at mcd’s muschola and went to sbux bcs its tumbler day. green tea latte w skim milk as usual. sent dr triya’s translation. ecmocard. started rereading goong (AGAIN. i probably have read it like 3 times minimum). still bring some feels

2 - its holiday today. spent almost the whole daylight rereading goong (turns out its pronounce ‘gung’ not ‘gong’ lol ive been wrong all this time) and finished it. the scene where they stare at each other, separated by the castle door, always gets me. got the old ipad charged (the screen are like 30% close to detaching and falling apart) and started AOT

3 - spent the whole day reading AOT. i like it when i have mini purposes in life (eg: finishing a manga series). AOT rly talks a lot about what do you want to do in life, the consequences of your choices and how you have to live with it. i felt triggered in a good way. the characters dont rly judge other’s choices, but they question them. discuss about it. give you some moral push. second gladi today. my vbg was still filpped hhhh. read aot until i felt sleepy and fell asleep. woke up very near subuh and prayed isya. my toxic trait is the horrible self care (and im talking bare minimum lol hehe lmao)

4 - finished aot. Asked irun about some aot explanations and she sent 5 paragraphs in one bubble. Slept. Flavola, kopsus coklat and somay. Also ate japota honey butter. Did 1 long input of ecmocard. Followed baepsae choreo. Moved my body a bit. Wow im not immediately sleeping. Amazing

5 - arrived at harkit 11-ish and went back about 1pm loll. super hungry when im arriving in kalideres. bought tahu colek worth 3000 (i wonder how the seller hears me through my 2 layers of mask), roti sisir and some ice cream in alfamidi. my fitlife protein powder ran out again. its my 2nd already. did some ecmocard, wasted my time after maghrib

6 - woke up late. did not have the mental strength to go to harkit so i decided to just stay home. bought sbux 1L green tea and macchiato. wasted the daylight and finally did some ecmocard in the evening,,,,

7 - off to harkit 7.30-ish pm in the rain. Took some data for ecmocard. Went to salemba to get tabung and surat bebas pustaka. Had breakfast slash lunch first, tried guudfuud (red rice, beef and omega egg). I like that the rice was not too much. Met up w ness ren and talked about isip dilemmas at sky. Afterwards went to flavola. Ordered mie rebus and roasted milk tea cause i somehow feel sooo hungry and in need of calories. It tasted so good, i was sitting in my usual seat facing the window, and the sky was a mixture of blue and grey. Brought croissant and sakura pocky at indomart. Ate the bread immediately after indomie. Went back home. Juan brought tahu gejrot that was delicious and crunchy. Internship files briefing by akis. Fell asleep

8 - woke up. Saw that dr retha was up for interview. Panicked. Thankfully it was at 12. I left home at 9:40 ish and arrived 11:50. Its a long ass way. Turns out i was interviewed with ka agassi. The doctors are so kind. They explained the gist of anesthesiology profession, and how its a choice you make, and its okay as long as you like what you do. Tried halo bowl for lunch. Sous vide chicken, rice, caesar sauce, beef bacon, and the deliciouss butter broccoli. Went back to kalideres and to starbucks. I only spent <2 hrs in there (a waste of money, i know). Bought decaf hazelnut latte (apparently the beans were kenyan something? Medium?) and butter croissant (need to cushion my stomach). Did GCP certification and sent it to the ever so kind mba Ai. Still got energy from the caffeine, did some ecmocard, read quran, read.... Toji fanfic 🤦‍♀️

9 - went to rsf w mom. We took the wrong way and had to take the long way but thank god theres still time to spare. Met dr rara. Some briefing. Went to rscm w agassi, submitted files for ijazah, went back to RSF. Girlll the cost of transport. MRT: 12K. Grab: 16-17k. Thats one way trip. Bought food at rsf canteen. Eocru briefing by the research coordinator. Ward tour w dr retha. Snacked on ovaltine provided by mba ai. Went home after maghrib by tj. Liqo along the way. Glad bersih (came late). Drank macchiato for some strength but still fell asleep quickly.i shouldnt have laid down

10 - kebakaran jenggot in the morning due to green screen positioning. Finally got the appropriate setup (after many fabric tries and cutting my mukena) at 08:30. Finished showering 08:45. Zoom was opened at 9 lmao. Somehow finished before 09:30. Zoompah w mom and dad along side me. After its ovee, some "photoshoot" w fam. At this point i was truly rly sleepy. Took of my makeup. Changed my clothes. And then racil silv dev showed up lol. I got gifts c: and then atikah came. And then i redid my makeup, this time with the help of friends to create fantastic eye make up look (which i can never pull off). Eyebrows by sil, eyeshadow and liner by cheldev lol. Took some photos. Dajen came. Talked. Videocalled w pupuy. A surprise gift from fianti came. And then chel dajen went back at 8. Still cant sleep. Slept at like 11-12

11 - lazed. Woke up, ate pizza (mom bought 2 of phd's 1m pizza) and bakwan, slept again. Matcha latte and ecmocard. Watched a bit of 2nd sinau

12 - off to rsf at 06:20. Arrived 07:15 ish. Lunch was ayam penyet accompanied by snacks that mba ai bought. Off to harkit at 14:05 (bcs my laptop somehow shut down and i lost all the unsubmitted data). And then off to kalideres at 15:30 ish to meet up w clara and search for clothes for almira's wedding. Went to lippo bcs clar saw this dress that kinda looks like the brokat given. We ate at ramen ya. It doesnt rly make you feel full, the filliny sensation was kinda like indomie. Saw that the dress looked different. Ate 1 boba pancake together at banban. Continued on to the tailor in kebon jeruk. The location was in an alley, and it was raining lol. Quoting clara: "the unnecessary struggles". The tailor was quite helpful (and she looks experienced). Arrived at clara's at 8 ish. Picked up by mom with car (it was raining) and arrived at abt 9. Hurriedly showered and tarawih and tidied up AND ITS ONLY 09:45. Its crazy how efficient one use time (and at the same time, how wasteful one can be)

13 - first day of fasting. The morning was spent taking samples. I stupidly took a sample thats not yet labeled im sorry :(((( i felt kinda tired and wanted to give up this. Give up anesthesia. Went back home at 14:00 and its cloudy. The bus was the nicer types and it was COLD. Read quran along the way. Picked up by juan. Opened laptop. And then its iftar time. I was sooo sleey and the tarawih was so long thst i closed my eyes along the way. Fianti called after tarawih, we talked til abt 21:30. And then i fell asleep

14 - went to rscm. Submitted serkom files. Met dr dyah and i hope we could somehow meet her again if we study in fkui again aamiin. Went to rsf by mrt. Arrived in lebak bulus just before it was raining. The bus took a while to arrive (usually theyre there, waiting). Its still raining like crazy so i took grabcar to AR from pesakih (39k). Played with my phone til iftar. Played phone again after tarawih and fell asleep

15 - i felt rlyy lazy and cant bring myself to wake up. Off to rsf at 07:15. There were coordinator ppl. Took sample. It was raining when i went back but i took grabbike from kalideres. Wasted my time and did not do ecmocard

16 - sampling. Snacked on keripik pisang at the room. Went back early at 13:15 ish. Picked up by juan. Sleeeept (and this is before the nightmareish mistake began)

17 - i did a mistake by telling dr retha (who took the sample today) the wrong patient (it switched in my unreliable memory. I feel terrible. Thank god shes quite chill abt it (?). Read jujutsu kaiseeen. Went to flavola. Did 1 ecmocard. Went to bandar jakarta baywalk by motorbike. Spent 135k and was quite full with many varieties. Arrived home at about 20:50. Turns out juan also had bukber with his friends. Phone call with fiiii, talked abt dimrob

18 - lazed all day, read jjk, finished my part of ecmocard (gave genky to ekal cause i was a dumbass at getting data). Ate mom's mentai rice, siomay. Drank green tea latte. Read jjk til 145 (mentok) at night. Proceeds to consume all things jjk lmaoo

19 - we took sooo long to get samples. Finished at 13:00. Went to rm with dr rara. Went back home. Watched the third sinau. Read the IMMACULATE jjk fics by celestialmechanics im IN LOVEEEE with the way s/he writes ughhhh

20 - samples took faster than usual. Mba ai did not came today. Went to RM and did some work there. Off to AR by 15:00. Arrived close to maghrib. Did not do any work afterwards lmao. Did not even wash my face

21 - magang as usual. Note to self: sit on the right side of the bus. Did nothing yesterday. Felt like shit after tarawih (but i showered before maghrib!!)

22 - todays problem was the swab sample not being there even though the staff allegedly already took it. Huft. Took a shower and out on vitacid (i cant remember the kast time i put on vitacid 😳 its probably been... a week or two?

23 - samples finished quite quickly. Already going home at 12. Lazedddd and lazed and lazed. Waited for emir to pick me up so i went to dm. Read an immaculate itadori x megumi fix thats just full of feels. Started demon slayer lets see

24 - literally just laid in bed reading manga and seeing tiktok and slept again and suddenly its 1 am. Showered. Still in a lazy mode. Havent begun clires work. Watched leah's vlog that said "go do things youve been putting off!". Finally finished the third and last video of Sinau Yuk ICU class with dr. Zeta, SpAn lolll even though the actual last class was on 7th apr. iftar was fish and chips and salad yuum

25 - woke up at like 1am since i slept too much yesterday. Ate tan ek tjoan bread and drank sbux matcha latte. Did some intern work. Read a bit of quran. Sahur. Cant even sleep again so i showered. Off with mom and dad (09:30) since dad’s going to get vaccinated at skk migas. Mom drove me to ara’s place (11:00). Talked a bit and even read quran again there. Off to GI (13:00) to meet up w regen. Walked around. Bought a discounted TBS green tea facial wash. Went back home by TJ (16:00). the bus station is a bit closer now. Arrived home close to maghrib (17:30). hurriedly showered and went to sleep (properly) after tarawih. A good good sleep since i got 9400 steps today and that tired me out lmaooo (bare minimum yall, i know).

26 - woke up still sleepy. Slept again after iftar and woke up at 07:30. Skipped shower and off to RSF lmao. Went to medical record. Walked to the front of RSF originally planning to go to lebak bulus by angkot but i saw none. So i went through mrt instead. Stopped by at kebon jeruk and walked 800 meter (that tireeed me and made me feel parched under the sun) to risma busana for clothes fitting. Took gojek to jembatan gantung (turns out the closer halte to flyover was taman kota). Iftar was chicken noodle and risol and banana and i felt fullll and i slept

27 - today is off day since im alternating with agassi. read quran. watched shadow and bone (with 1,5x speed except for kanej and matthias nina scenes). didnt rly do any magang work except the table asked by dr retha. i feel like usually im operating on 70%. sleeping more doesnt rly add that. i need caffeine or physical activity. before i know it, its close to iftar.

28 - i ((felt)) like i had a decent amount of energy today. shouldve done some work between sahur and leaving the house but i ended up reading vampire knight lmaoooo the scenes had no business bringing so much butterflies. sampling together w agassi. mba ai didnt come in today. after agassi left did some magang work. i also went to RM to ask for more RM to bu dian. took angkot to lebak bulus for the first time. paid 5k. i had no idea which angkot went to lebak bulus and the driver (somehow knowing the right words to say) said “lebak bulus lebak bulus”. didnt read much quran on the way back. i just close my eyes and relaxed. felt kinda low on sugar. watched more shadow and bone on the way back and at home until close to iftar. didnt do anything after tarawih. slept hoping i woke up early (which i did, at 3am. but i slept again)

29 - im supposed to have ample energy but i just stuck around my bed until its time to get ready to go. read some kanej fic lol. I dont rly do anything productive after arriving home

30 - made intern log, magang as usual. Did not go to rm. Finished watching shadow and bone. Rested bcs tomorrow's saturdayyy

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shirts181 · 4 years

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Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be? Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

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lunawings · 5 years

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King of Prism SSS episode 7 commentary (Leo)

So this episode is the opener for what I know as the theatrical “Part 3″ ... and boy what an opener.... By the time it was over I was like “T-That was only the first one... BUT IVE ALREADY FELT SO MANY THINGS..”

Having this as the first episode of the three has been pretty difficult because it’s just such a rollercoaster. I’ve actually been hesitant to see go Part 3 more just because I know I have to get through this episode right off the bat. And not because I think it’s a bad episode OH NO ITS JUST... SO MANY... FEELINGS..........

I got to go to the midnight showing for Part 3, and I honestly think that has an unfairly high influence on how I feel about the episodes. Part 1 and Part 3 I saw at the midnight showing and I loved them. Part 2 and Part 4 I saw at 8 am when I was exhausted and miserable and I ended up thinking Part 2 was weaker than the others, and Part 4....................... uhhuhh we’ll get to that later, anyway--

So when I translated the original story about Over the Rainbow crossdressing for Miss Kakyoin, I honestly did it just for that two second reference in episode 3. I had no idea this was also going to happen. So when the first second of Part 3 opened on the theater screen with this I was like OH. MY. GAWD. YES. YESSSSSSSSSSSS. I’m gonna cry already. (Little did I know what was coming up later in this episode....)

Also this was the point where I began to realize some of these episode are taking place in the past/out of order. Because SSS starts off in the summer, but the Kakyoin Fest usually takes place in May. So either this is a Rainbow Live retcon, or this episode is taking place in May. (But I suppose there’s no particular big reason that can’t be possible. Well one small one maybe...)

So this is Rinne’s first appearance in SSS, right? (Outside of her silhouette in the OP.)

So... I don’t really think it’s a spoiler to tell you she will appear again, under.... vErY DiFfeRent CircumStanCes........

And I just wonder if like, when we get to that moment, someone who is watching only SSS who has never seen Rainbow Live or Pride the Hero is gonna be like “Oh that’s the girl from the beauty contest.... wait..... WAIT WHAT IS HAPPENING.... “

Oh lord.

Anyway.

This scene is a whole lot of fun in cheering because we all have our green out and are cheering to Freedom, then it... stops.... then it starts again ahahah....

I love Taiga in the background here. It’s clearly intentional.

I wonder if he actually believes what Kazuki says here or not. But you know what. I don’t think it matters because I think this scene has about zero influence on how he reacts next. I mean, if Taiga actually realizes Kazuki’s just doing this to save face, well then.... hell yeah he’d want to help defend Kazuki-senpai’s honor! And if he believes him and thinks crossdressing and winning a beauty contest is an honor for Edel Rose.... hell yeah he’d want to follow in Kazuki-senpai’s footsteps ahah ha.......... yeah see it literally doesn’t matter........... For Kazuki-senpai!!!

Yeah see this is definitely post-episode 3 Taiga. He definitely changed in that episode after becoming honest about his feelings for Kazuki. So this is the only stupid little thing that makes me question when this episode is taking place since the Nebuta Festival is in August ahahah ha.... (Well maybe he realized long ago.)

Wait woah woah what’s going on here with the subtitle. I thought I saw someone else’s screenshot of this and it was an upside down “A”? Is it just my computer? Is it really like this?

BTW I actually never had any idea what they were saying here before, neither did I pick up that it was probably a reference to μ's because in the theater you just cannot see anything on that newspaper because it’s on screen for like half a second.

If I had, maybe I would have realized that.....

......Both Kakeru and Shin’s outfits seem to be a reference to the original Love Live! I had a little subconscious inkling in the back of my mind that I knew where Kakeru’s outfit was from and it probably wasn’t Pretty Series. But Shin..... Shin..... for the longest time I kept trying to think what coord this was. Because it does look like it could easily be a PriPara coord, doesn’t it? But after other folks started pointing it out, yeah it does look like they were trying to rip on the “Bokura wa Ima no Naka de” outfits goddamn it hahaha.... Well, it makes sense because there are people who worked on both Love Live! and Rainbow Live.

But yeah I swear if they had only made the skirt plaid I would have gotten it. The plaid skirts are such a big point of that outfit for me.

But still anyway, if anybody can think of a Pretty Series coord which is similar to this (or can make one on the 3DS).... um.... hit me up................ now..........

OH COME ON MINATO you can do so much better than this.... For Miss Schwartz you actually found a look that worked for you....

I mean sure he looks like someone’s mom but isn’t he.

The moment when I was like “Welp, maybe Taiga’s straight after all.” Such a mystery, this kid.

MINATO AND YU OMG

This moment goes by so fast I literally missed it my first two showings but OMG it’s my favorite joke in this episode and one of my favorite visual jokes overall I crack up uncontrollably every single time. Ahhhhhh you poor boys....

Welp someone hasn’t watched PriPara but I think we already knew that from Kakeru’s “Glowstick Cage”. Still, I really think you’d be able to figure out this is clearly a catch phrase but WHATEVS

I think my reaction echoes most of the community’s reaction as being “are they gonna say the thing--THEY SAID THE THING”

As much as I want to feel bad that Leo feels like he has to do this, it’s just too funny. And not to mention adorable.

How “masculine” Leo somehow ends up being EVEN CUTER than natural Leo, I will never be able to explain but OH LORD HE IS. (I guess just, the more he tries to fight it the stronger it is....)

He’s not lying.

................ no..... noooooo.......... *buries face in hands*

So. Okay. Okayokay. Sorry we gotta pause here oh boy.

Ever since the Pride the Hero era, Tsurugi was always my favorite member of The Shuffle. Especially since I realized that even though we could see him failing the training machine in the first movie, he still made the group. It was my headcanon that it was because Kokoro, Mondo, and Mitsuba helped him rise up and overcome his challenges until he finally made it. I saw him as the Otoha of the group. A sweet lovely boy who somehow got mixed up in all the corruption of Schwartz Rose AND SOMEHOW he survived.

And then this happened.

His feminine personality. It was all an act. IT WAS A LIE. Just created to add the right appeal to The Shuffle. AND I FELL FOR IT.

...............

I guess Joji isn’t the only liar in Schwartz Rose. I guess, Schwartz Rose just naturally attracts that kind of people huh.

Well, from this moment on Tsurugi was not my favorite anymore.

For the record, my favorite member of The Shuffle nowadays is Ace. And probably subconsciously has been since episode 5? But I actually didn’t come to realize that for.... a few more episodes...... So we’ll talk about it then.

Right now we have to talk about.... wait... wait no no no no no no no

You ever have one of those moments when time just kinda stops and everything just kinda... spins around you........... that was this moment for me at the midnight showing....................

Sorry I have to interrupt again to mention this. They revealed here Leo’s dad supposedly designed all these characters.

Well OK, but the thing is in this universe supposedly PairChams and stuff are actually real.

So how can they be designed by Leo’s dad?

Welp, my theory on this is Leo’s dad either was a prism star, or just has a lot of prism sparkle in him, and he secretly just draws exactly what he sees.

I think the phrasing is a little weird here. It’s more like Leo didn’t even particularly realize he was a boy. (Or what his gender was at all.)

(Yes they are wearing mini-Fortune Party CRs.)

(Yes this is also our Young of Prism reference.)

.......I really like this episode but...... this part is just so hard for me..... it’s just...... a bit too real............. but I applaud them for it the same time but.... it’s just.... it’s hard.............

People take out yellow and cheer for Otoha here, but at first I was just so distraught after the proceeding scenes it took me until maybe my 4th or 5th cheering show to actually join them.... just trying to get the energy and to come out of it and like oh it’s Otoha.... oh where are my concert lights.... oh where is yellow..... oh it’s over...... ................. (ahh it’s just.... so sad........)

Okay so now that we’ve gotten this far, I can finish my train of thought about the order that the boys joined Edel Rose.

I think it’s safe to assume Yukinojo was probably first. His episode revealed that he liked prism shows since he was really little, so he probably entered his first year of junior high? I think Kakeru was already in junior high when he found out about prism shows so he probably transferred in anywhere from 2012 - 2014.

Yu and Minato I think probably joined at the same time in April 2015. Because when we meet them in the first movie they are both 1st years (in junior high and senior high respectively) and we know from Minato’s episode he was never in the junior high division.

Then Leo joined sometime not too long after that, and finally Shin.

Taiga is the only mystery, because his flashback only features Kazuki and there is nothing to particularly date it. In my head I’m gonna throw him in there after Kakeru but before Minato/Yu though.

......Anyway.

Leo’s reactions as he meets each of the boys, and vice versa, are just... SO INTERESTING to me and reveal so much about him and the other characters. So I’m sorry but. We’re basically gonna take this frame-by-frame....

Oh gosh oh no oh to think that because of his experiences in life, Leo is just so conditioned to the point where this is the first thing he says directly to any of his new friends I just I.... *chair squeak* excuse me I need a moment.

*walks out of the room*

*comes back after several minutes*

Oho gosh okay okay sorry where were we

AND HIS FACE when he realizes Kakeru called him cute and clearly meant it as a compliment I just I *chair squeak* I may need another minute we’re like ten seconds into this scene and it’s already just--

OHHHH MANNNNNN

I’m pretty sure Leo’s extreme reaction here isn’t because he’s upset at not being called cute. It’s because, once again, Leo is just so conditioned because of everything he’s been through. He took one look at Taiga and probably saw him as the exact archetype of a person who usually bullies him.

But he was wrong.

Taiga, the actual purehearted softie that he is, had absolutely no idea his words would have such an effect on Leo. And once he realizes, he PANICS, and says absolutely anything he has to in order to fix it as fast as possible.

TAIGA

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

I’d also like to note what makes this scene even funnier is that Taiga is using a Tohoku slang word for “cute”. (This is a younger Taiga who hasn’t quite lost his northern dialect yet. Also sort of a northerners bonding moment for the two of them maybe?)

So Taiga being attracted to Leo is a thing I guess. But.... but does it really count as being gay with Leo, like I mean.....?

Well.... Taiga being asexual is probably ruled out at least.

Anyway.

Out of all of them, Leo’s encounter Minato might just be my favorite.

First, Minato reaches out his hand intending to shake Leo’s.

But Leo, probably being just.... so desperate for human contact at his point, sees this and actually reaches up and grabs Minato’s hand with both his hands instead.

If you remember, Leo being too touchy-feely with other boys was one of the reasons he was bullied. Probably moments exactly like this.

But Minato....

He doesn’t flinch. His expression never changes. Instead he’s just like, oh you remind me of my sister. Like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

And he probably thinks that’s kinda nice that it will be like having his beloved sister around.

shfsfshl;dsaSDJGSOGSAG+J

Yu doesn’t care who Leo is as long as he thinks he’s cool.

Sounds about right.

Gonna say the obvious here but YUKINOJO WHAT ARE YOU DOING

How he just immediately powers down and goes into kabuki practice mode when nothing has been happening for 30 seconds.....

I have things to say about this encounter too but we’ll get to it later.

My favorite comedic line in the episode.

Yukinojo is somewhat oblivious about gender norms himself eheh.

I love the juxtaposition of this line with this scene. It’s not a coincidence surely.

Leo kind of just made a fool of himself here, but the other boys had almost no reaction. They were all just kinda like “huh”, and instead of “this Leo kid is a weirdo” it’s “Yukinojo what did you do” hahahah. That, is acceptance. That is Leo finally finding a place where he can belong.......... Until.....

Oh boy I’m sorry we gotta go on another tangent here. A dark one.

Throughout SSS it’s pretty clear that Shin’s arrival had a big impact on everyone, but it probably had the biggest impact on Leo.

Edel Rose was the first place in his adolescence where he was able to find acceptance.

And I think it’s safe to say, that without Shin to bring everyone together, Edel Rose probably would not have survived.

And if that happened.....

Leo would have nowhere to go.

I really shudder to think about what might have happened.

And I don’t think it’s a huge exaggeration to think that Shin joining Edel Rose... may have actually saved Leo’s life.

So when you really stand by and take all of this into perspective.

All of a sudden how attached Leo is to Shin. His over-protectiveness, his jealousy. It.... it starts to make a lot more sense.

So from this moment on I decided I won’t fault him for it anymore. I can understand.

Oh gosh okay I know it’s hard to come out of that with this, but....

Y.. yay Christmas Party! This is going to come up again in SSS, but since people are going to be talking about it now I’ll talk about it now.

The Christmas Party is an event which happened in detail on the Prism Rush Main Story and was the first time the boys all performed together as a group and debuted Dramatic Love.

And yes, at the same time it is also an analog to the real live Music Ready Sparking concert, which was the first time the voice actors all performed together in real life. Those are the outfits they wore in the real concert, and the same pose they used for promotional materials.

They actually re-drew it for the anime in the performance outfits instead of the concert T-shirts.

(The outfits aren’t a secret anymore, and no need to sell T-shirts ahah....)

WHAT. THEY FIXED IT. Okay I SWEAR in the theatrical version of this there is a continuity error here where Leo has his pigtails in this back shot, but his hair is down from the front. I paused here to take a screenshot so I could mention it then I was like wait whaaaaaaaaa. This is the only time I have noticed a blatant change between the theatrical version and the TV version. (Other than the new endings.) It makes me wonder if there’s anything else I missed.

PFFT.

I guess “yes” isn’t the worst translation, and who am I to talk since I don’t translate “IIZE” at all. But it drains the flavor out of it whenever I try.

If you’re not aware, “IIZE” was the scoring system in the boys’ PriPara from Idol Time, DanPri. The joke is that it’s like a masculine version of “iine” which was the scoring system in the regular girls PriPara, and still is in PriChan. Probably the most literal translation of “iine” is “likes” since that’s what they call the like button on Facebook/Twitter. But yeah it’s a bit of a journey to understand this I suppose.

Iize = burly likes

? ? ?

He’s just.... he’s just so weird........... Tsurugi why...............

(Yes, Mirei hair and Bunny Magician coord from Prism Tours. Sorry I’m skipping over pointing out some of the PriPara references on purpose since this post is just so long as is.)

PFFFFFFT okay okay. Okay. OKAY. Okay.

I know this is probably just in here for a throwaway joke but OHHHH lord.

We saw Alec compete in a beauty contest on Prism Rush before in the Street Beauty No. 1 event, but not on purpose as Louis basically tricked him that time. To think he’d come this close to doing it on purpose, and in his Mom’s clothes?...... ohhhhhhhh wow

If this really almost happened, then I guess Alexander’s riding the same train as post-episode 3 Taiga nowadays isn’t he ahah.

And finally we get to the prism show. But oh gosh, I have to say I do not like his initial outfit. First of all it’s supposed to be a boys’ outfit but it’s.... not.... I guess they were trying to go for a Peter Pan thing or something, but it just registers strongly in my head that Peter Pan is usually played by a woman and like. I just wish they would have made this outfit a bit more masculine to highlight the change that’s gonna happen. The least they could do is take off the earrings.

Not to mention form-fitting stuff does not work for Leo. It highlights how small and child-like his body is, and they even do a butt shot and just NO no please no why. STOP. Okay, my only criticism against this episode is that. Had to say it.

When you need a character to clarify this you’re doing it wrong.

But anyway, moving on.

This.

When we got to this moment, I just.... I felt.... such a great vicarious weight lifted off my shoulders. It just felt so good to finally, finally see this. It’s been a long time coming.

Okay, let’s go back. Way back.

During the first movie, when we first met Leo. In the bath scene he introduced himself using “boku” (a male pronoun). He was presented as wanting to be more boyish, and Yukinojo’s little protege. And I said OK, and I accepted this for face value. For a while.

But then about a year passed, and this CD came out.

And I went woah. This was the first point when I began to realize things might not be quite as they seemed. Leo is just straight out wearing girls’ clothing here. As oblivious as he is, nobody can be quite that oblivious.

So the whole theme of their duo song is mutual respect, and it clearly introduced for the first time the irony of Yukinojo and Leo’s relationship in that although Leo looks up to Yukinojo, in truth Yukinojo wishes he could be more like Leo because Leo is the feminine ideal he’s striving for as a kabuki actor who does female rolls.

Well okay, but the thing is.

Leo supposedly wants to be more masculine, but... but....

When he first meets Yukinojo, that’s not the reason he attaches himself to him.

Leo picks the most feminine member of the group to model his ideal after. Not someone rough like Taiga, or built like Minato. He picks Yukinojo. Yukinojo.

And that’s when you start to realize.... Nothing Leo has said has ever matched up with what his actual actions are.

Sure, he talks a lot.... but....

What has he actually done to try and become more masculine since King of Prism started?

Even when he purposely sets out to dress masculine in stories on Prism Rush (like in his initial PR story for one), he always ends up picking out feminine clothes somehow.

Although he once introduced himself using “boku” to Shin, it’s pretty much exclusively become “watashi” over time hasn’t it?

His Pride the Hero subplot was enjoying his (arguably) feminine hobby of clothing design. No masculine quest subplot there.

And we even got to the point where SSS opened with him wearing a frilly pink shirt in one episode and pigtails in the next.

The more time Leo spends at Edel Rose, a place where he is accepted, the more he slowly opens up and starts acting like himself again.

So if you’re thinking this came from nowhere, you haven’t been paying attention.

Still, I was really worrying about what was really going on inside him a lot before this episode came up. And then. Finally. FINALLY.

This episode should be seen by not just King of Prism fans. Not just Pretty Series fans. This episode should be seen by everyone.

GAHHHH I’M JUST.... SO HAPPY..............

I LOVE YOU TOO

I think just looking at these screenshots and taking it all in is making me tear up more than in the theater.

Okay so. When I saw Leo’s coord for the first time, my immediate thought was Laala’s first PR....

If you think maybe something else is a better fit though let me know.

So I actually think this score for Leo is fair. He only did two non-connecting jumps, and as this episode revealed he is the least experienced member of Edel Rose. (...Like I said before Shin... Shin is a special case........) I really like how their shows are actually accurate to what their skill level would reasonably be.

But it also just makes Minato’s higher score more of a mystery.

I love, love how this contest has progressed from year to year. Rinne -> Kazuki -> Leo -> ???

It may take us until we get to the next generation to get another winner, but someday I hope we see one....

YES this is obviously PriPara ahah but in canon it might be “Prism Land”? Ahah.

Okay, the end!

The post is over!

The end!

Why are you looking at me like that?

It’s over!

Thanks for reading!

.............

.....................

Okay. Since you’ve somehow stuck with me THIS FAR, I’m going to talk a little more about how this episode effected me personally and why it’s important to me.

The depiction of bullying was just so frighteningly accurate, and I feel like other people who have been through something similar would probably agree.

5th grade really is the year.

It’s right around that time when gender rolls really seem to solidify. All of a sudden lines are drawn. The girls become more girlish and the boys become more boyish.

It was around that time that I also noticed, that I didn’t like the same things that other girls my age liked. Other people noticed too.

My gender issues weren’t as profound as Leo’s, but I just wasn’t interested in things like clothes or boys yet. I still wanted to watch cartoons and play in the dirt and stuff.

Going into middle school, I also tried to pretend. But it didn’t work.

And I didn’t have any friends for a long time.

But then something happened to change that. I got more involved in music. Specifically marching band. Music and performing brought me together with a rag-tag group of people from different grades who didn’t know my past, all working together to put together a performance. That sort of activity (music, sports, etc.) builds bonds between people that surpass normal friendship. And eventually, through those sort of bonds, I found myself around people who accepted me even though I was a bit different. Gradually, I learned it was okay to be myself.

So just watching Leo make friends though prism shows.... just oh my god.... that’s me.

I kinda joked about Leo being my self insert character in King of Prism before, but man. Watching this episode. It just got so... SO much more real.

*deep breath*

*exhale*

Wow. Okay.

#king of prism #king of prism sss #leo saionji #writing this took so much out of me you won't even believe.....................#even when we get to the shin/louis episodes i don't think i'll have quite as much to say about them as i did this one

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loadingluke · 5 years

Text

Days 2-4 post op stage 2

Hey all, here’s a little update on how I’ve been going. Just warning in advance I’ll be talking about some sensitive topics so if that makes you uncomfortable read with caution. Unfortunately the nature of all of this surgery stuff is pretty gross and tmi, but I thought I’d warn you all the same since we’re here now 🤷‍♂️

SATURDAY

Day 2 I would say was my hardest day in hospital, possibly even including stage one to be honest. I was feeling pretty weak and uncomfortable with 3 cannulas in one arm and an iv machine that would just not shut up if I moved my arm at all. I was given a bed wash and that made me feel a lot cleaner, and I brushed my teeth and had some mouthwash, which always makes me feel at least 12% better. I got out of bed for a brief second and sat in a chair. I really wasn’t feeling up for much more, and with the pca, iv, catheter and all the padding I really didn’t want to walk too far at all.

I was still feeling kind of woozy and tired from the bloods from the day before and wasn’t eating or drinking all that much. I started feeling quite nauseous around lunchtime, and nothing really seemed to shake it. I had some anti nausea medication but it didn’t help too much unfortunately. Around dinner is when I started throwing up. I was sick once or twice, and then I felt a little bit of nausea relief for a few hours before it started up again. It really got to the point where I didn’t have anything coming up but I just wasn’t stopping 😫 I was feeling pretty emotionally and mentally wiped, barely drinking or eating and just waiting for it to pass. We believe I was having a reaction to one of the antibiotics I was taking, and by giving me an anti nausea med about half an hour before the antibiotic I felt much better. Over the course of the night I slowly started feeling better, and my vitals started to actually settle and get a little more regular. Everything was up from here to be honest, and since then things have been pretty peachy.

SUNDAY

After my monster of a night I was hoping for a little more relief from day 3, and thank the penis gods this was granted. The difference 24 hours made was night and day. I felt more alert, a lot less sleepy, I had more colour in my face and I felt tons better. I got out of the bed again, and managed to take myself to the bathroom to sponge bath myself, as well as brush my teeth, put on deodorant and change into a clean gown. Afterwards, managed to have a bit of a walk around the ward, dragging along my IV machine which surprisingly chose those moments to behave.

I had the pca and oxygen taken down, and my fluids were drastically reduced once I was able to keep my food and drink down. The drain coming out of my abdomen that was draining my scrotum was also taken out as nothing was draining from it (yay). The catheter wasn’t bothering me much either, so I was feeling pretty great to be honest. I spent most of the day pottering around, I got myself up a few more times, including to go and make myself a cup of tea (a feat I am still very chuffed about and excitedly told Maddy about (thanks for being patient with me, I love u)) I had a visit from a family friend who bought me some flowers and my hospital guilty pleasure that for some reason I always get a craving for, avocado and cucumber sushi. It was nice to see someone I knew and it definitely lifted my spirits.

I got myself off to bed and slept most of the night. The one downside was my IV. I don’t know if I mentioned, but I needed to be cannulated a second time for my blood transfusion, and unfortunately since they were both so close together it was all kinds of uncomfortable. Well, over the few days, as well as me moving, this cannula just would not quit. One of them started leaking and had to be removed, and the one remaining just seemed to jump out of my vein any chance it could get, meaning the iv was having difficulty properly draining. I swear the machine was going off every 2 or 3 minutes no joke unless I kept my arm in the exact same position. The nurses ended up wrapping my arm up with some gauze and a tubigrip to keep it all (somewhat) in place. This, coupled with me literally not moving a muscle, and I started getting a very stiff arm and neck which made it even harder to fall asleep. Also, one of my nostrils decided it was the perfect time to get blocked right then and there, so it was not great getting off to sleep. Once I was asleep though, I slept pretty solidly. I woke up for my obs, went back to sleep, and then woke up again because the machine screamed at me. I couldn’t get back to sleep for a couple of hours because of it, rip. Honestly don’t know how the nurses deal with them. Every time they go off I want to throw it out the window. Eventually I fell back asleep until about 7:30am.

MONDAY

Monday morning I woke up to Dr Goossen coming in for my my morning check up. He wasn’t in for long, and mainly explained what will be happening over the next few days for my discharge, and when I’ll be getting the padding removed. He said he was happy with how everything looked, prodded me a few times and asked if I could feel it (I could) and went on his merry way saving more lives I assume. I had my cannula removed and was taken off the IV machine (thank god) and then I hopped on over to the bathroom for my morning freshen up (at this point I’m getting pretty good at it all if I do say so myself) and then I had my mum and sister come to visit. It was really nice seeing them, and I’m honestly very glad that they didn’t come any sooner because I was in no shape for their energy until today. We ended up getting a wheelchair and going for a little walk downstairs. It was really nice to get some fresh air, and I had a hot chocolate which I enjoyed. After being outside for about 45 minutes I was suddenly feeling pretty wiped and I was taken back to my room. I had a bit of a power nap, and they went home. They’ll come back to pick me up tomorrow for discharge.

The rest of the afternoon I have to say I felt pretty gross. Now that I wasn’t feeling faint or nauseous anymore, and since the padding has been there for 4 days, I started to become uncomfortably aware of its presence. It feels very much like a cup that would be used in contact sports to protect someone’s balls, and it goes right between my legs and up quite high near my butt. This understandably has made navigating bowel movements rather uncomfortable. I managed to without much of an issue luckily, but I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.

I was talking to a nurse and they said they have a running joke that they’d be able to know right away if they were getting a Christmas present form Goossen, because it would be more like a pass the parcel. Honestly, when I was told this, I cracked up because it is so true. There is soooo much tape and padding, it’s honestly so overwhelming. It was the same for stage 1, so I don’t really know what i expected, but it’s really hard to see anything that is going on down there as it’s just a maze of gauze and tubes, so I’m just trusting the nurses and Goossen that they know if it was going in a way it wasn’t meant to. I have to say I did have to fight my brain a bit today, as that feeling of the padding is uncomfortably similar to the something experienced monthly before starting testosterone. Logically I KNOW that it is definitely not the same, but the padding + draining from all the wounds made me feel pretty rough. I think having it sitting there for 4 days has also made it feel pretty gross anyway, so I am counting down the seconds until I get that removed and all cleaned tomorrow morning. This was all bad enough, until I started noticing a little bit of leakage from the urethral catheter, which was awful smelling. It’s not too constant, but was enough that I noticed it and felt EXTRA disgusting. Then some of the padding started falling apart, so a nurse grabbed me a pair of hospital underwear to just hold it all in place. This is fine. I’m fine. We’re fine. ☹️. I’m just telling myself it’s only 12 or so hours until it’s all gone and I know I’ll feel tons better.

The afternoon was pretty uneventful besides one moment when I started feeling like I was getting bladder spasms. I have had these once before after my hysto, but surprisingly was fine for s1. I think I normally would have been okay, but since I was already feeling pretty gross I freaked out a little. I started worrying about the next 3 weeks and how long that would feel if I was in constant pain. The pain was starting to get more and more intense, and I felt like I was busting to go to the toilet. A nurse happened to come in as I needed to have some obs done, and when she had a look at the catheter it seemed to have been blocked or kinked or something. A little bit of a wiggle later and 800mLs flowed through completely fine, and completely relieved my pain. After that I felt much better. Nurses are heroes.

FINAL THOUGHTS

That’s about all that’s happened so far. One thing I haven’t touched on really is the pain, and honestly I’m managing really well. Pain hasn’t passed above a 2 or 3, and I’ve not had anything but Panadol and a one a day anti inflammatory for at least 48 hours. Most of my difficulty has come from the nausea and my low blood pressure, and once that was sorted I would say I was more uncomfortable than in pain.

In saying that though, I definitely underestimated this surgery. I think after overestimating stage one (which I knew would be hard and don’t get me wrong it was rough) but I had a very smooth and quick recovery following my first procedure and I’d heard some pretty horrid stories about how rough it was going to be, so I ended up feeling like it ended up being easier than I expected it would be. I was told that stage 2 would be a lot easier than stage 1 and in some ways it was, but in other ways it was harder. That second day was really hard on me and definitely the worst surgical experience I have had by far. Once I bounced back from that it has been a lot easier compared to stage 1 sure, but living through it at the time it just felt overwhelmingly difficult. My advice is to make sure you take every day as a baby step, and little by little you’ll get through it.

A picture is worth 1000 words, first one is from day 2 post op, feeling my absolute worst, second is from day 4 post op with my mum 😊

Let me know if you have any questions, I’m always happy to help 👍

#phalloplasty australia #ftm #trans #trans man #transgender #trans guy #bottom surgery #phalloplasty #rff #rff phallo #rff phalloplasty #lukes phalloplasty #lower surgery #phallo #dr goossen

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ms-camucia · 5 years

Text

Footnotes’ Chapters

So in procrastinating getting this second-to-last chapter of Footnotes finished, I went back and did something I meant to do ages ago, and actually gave each chapter a title and pull quote summary. I know for me writing-wise, this instantly made going back and figuring out when/where something happened a whole lot easier, it’s a lot more reader-friendly, and it’s something I’ll be better about in the future - I mean, for god’s sake, Alternative Methods managed to have chapter titles from the get go.

Before you call out my first two chapter names as super lazy, it’s because they parallel each other, and really should have just been one chapter, but oh well. Here they all are, for anyone interested, including the Song of Solomon quotes I’m using for the last two chapters, since they don’t have titles yet:

1. The Jedi Alone

2. The Leader Alone

3. From A Certain Point of View

4. A Guardian of Hope

5. The Ghosts of Yavin IV

6. Forbidden Insights and Stolen Thoughts

7. The Wayward Prince

8. Inebriated Negotiations

9. Fumblings of the Repressed

10. Repercussions and Resolutions

11. The Prince in Disguise

12. A Dance With Death

13. Passions of the Jedi

14. The Leader’s Possession

15. A Mother’s Machinations

16. Lessons in Trust

17. A World Between You and Me

18. The Return of a Certain Jedi

19. Resistance is Peace, Chaos is Order

20. “I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me.”

21. “All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him.”

22. Epilogue: Footnotes’ Footnotes (Come out, and look, you daughters of Zion. Look on King Solomon wearing a crown, the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced.)

Pull quotes under the cut:

1. The Jedi Alone

Rey felt warmth travel down her spine, and her stomach tied in knots. This… this was not what she was expecting to find at all. Beneath the hurried notes, Rey found - in a much more deliberate, calligraphed script - poetry.

2. The Leader Alone

In the end, that was all they were - just glimpses. Visions just brief enough for his chest to clench - in anger? That was certainly the easiest one. After all, she was the one who left him, when she, of all people... Was it anguish? Sorrow? Those seemed closer. Regret? Best to not examine those feelings too closely.

3. From A Certain Point of View

How did this turn around so quickly on him? How did she know exactly how to rip him apart every time? Rey was right, his ambition, his drive, his dreams - his visions of her - had distracted him yet again.

4. A Guardian of Hope

Rey took a shaky step back from the podium, and right into a large, warm body. 'I've got you,' came a whisper at her ear as a black, gloved hand slowly ran its thumb down Rey's arm, leaving her shivering in its wake.

5. The Ghosts of Yavin IV

Call it attending a fundraiser, call it giving a speech - Kylo knew what was happening here. They wanted her to be a rallying cry. They wanted to turn her into a weapon. They wanted her as an attack dog. They wanted her face as the one people associated with the power of the Resistance. They wanted to do to her exactly what Snoke had done to him.

6. Forbidden Insights and Stolen Thoughts

These were not the flowery, fanciful words of Ben Solo. This was not a boy extolling the beauty of the world around him, longing for the girl in his dreams. This... this was him becoming someone else altogether, Rey realized, her heart in her throat.

7. The Wayward Prince

For so long, it had been Kylo Ren who had protected him. Kylo Ren, who shielded the tattered remains of the boy who had been Ben Solo. But here, surrounded by opulence and aristocracy - the crusader, the warrior was useless. He needed to be the Prince.

8. Inebriated Negotiations

“You know I’m not going to agree to... whatever it is you have in mind. You’re clearly trying to set something up here for you to win.”

Ben allowed a small smile to cross his face as he twirled her shoe on his finger. “You’d think that. But for you, Rey, I’m willing to give you everything.”

9. Fumblings of the Repressed

Ben Solo currently had the literal girl of his dreams strewn across his lap, he had just confessed more to her about how he felt than he would have ever admitted sober, and instead of her recoiling in horror, she felt compelled to seize his shirt and bite his lip. He was quite convinced that he had never, in his entire life, had so many things go right.

10. Repercussions and Resolutions

As much as Rey found honesty in his declarations last night of only wanting to ‘figure things out’ between them, and claiming that he was only here to discuss terms of ownership with his journal, she knew that it was ludicrous to assume Poe and Finn would trust his intentions.

And now they were all planning on showing up here at the same time.

11. The Prince in Disguise

“That’s - that’s the rest of the Resistance! They can’t see you here!” “Why not? It’s my damn apartment!” “It’s - it’s too hard to explain right now, and it’s the General’s-” “Got my name on it.” “Kriff, Ben, this is not the time for a lesson in property ownership!” “I’ll give you a lesson in property ownership.”

12. A Dance With Death

“Clearly,” Ben hissed, glaring down at Poe as the shard moved closer to his skin “-we have different views of last night’s events. I saw a very real, and very capable threat. I saw a man who had obviously been manipulated with the Force. I saw Rey inches and milliseconds from dying. And I will not allow them a second chance.”

13. Passions of the Jedi

“Please, Rey. Let me know that I’m - I’m not alone in this. That it’s not just the Force, that it's not just our bond - that it’s us - that there’s actually something - something more here.”

14. The Leader’s Possession

"Ben would have died a happy man without Rey discovering that, in his weakest moments, all he could fantasize about was her absolute acceptance of him, and her sincerity in promising to never leave. Why couldn’t he just imagine simple, baseless sex like a normal person?"

15. A Mother’s Machinations

“From what I’ve read so far… I’m not sure... I... want to be a Jedi?”

An ashen look came over Leia’s face, suddenly making her look years older. Shakily, she took another long drink from her tea, the silence filling the air between the General and the would-be Jedi.

“That’s… That’s not the first time I’ve heard - you sound just like Ben.”

16. Lessons in Trust

Quickly, before she could get distracted again, Rey broke away from him - “Ben Solo, you do not get to just… Just kiss me and act like you didn’t- mmmf!”

He sealed his mouth to hers, his hot tongue softly imploring she just… oh. This was so much easier than being mad at him. Ben groaned, and Rey could feel it vibrate through his whole massive body as he crushed his chest to hers.

17. A World Between You and Me

“Stay here. They’ll come back for you.” the lie was like ash in his mouth, his voice dead as he delivered the damning words. The words that would trap her here for years of struggle and starvation. The words she would repeat to herself over and over until they lost their context and meaning, twisting them until they came from her parents, not some stranger in the desert. She would forget who said them, and convince herself that somewhere, she had parents who loved her.

18. The Return of a Certain Jedi

“Wait - Rey, I don’t understand - you called me-”

“Kylo? I know. His - your voice guided me.” She raked her fingers through his hair, holding his gaze as though imploring that he understand. “Ben Solo, Kylo Ren - it doesn’t matter. It was you. It was always you, wasn’t it?”

19. Resistance is Peace, Chaos is Order

"Ben, knowing the full scope and potential of their power here, insisted that they command the Force in bringing varying minds together, making them agree and come to a consensus. Rey was adamant that they take a more passive role, merely showing the path and letting people decide for themselves how, or even if, they wanted to find compassion in their enemy’s soul."

#reylo #reylo fic #my fic #footnotes

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ashenious · 4 years

Text

Some Grand Affairs Amongst the Normality - Chapter 12 of ??? (Dante/Reader)

Overall Story Rating: Mature Overall Story Tags: Alcohol, Big Snake, (Like literally a big snake), Blood, Body Horror, Dead Body Mention, Fluff, Gore Mention, Depressive Thoughts, Drugging, IV Mention, Nausea, Nightmares, Reader is regular boring Human, Reader likes to clean, Reader is also a troublemaker, Slow Burn, Suicide Mention, There was only one bed, Vore (I’m so sorry)

For This Chapter: Rating: Teen and Up Warnings: Nightmares, Vore (I’m so sorry) Additional: Big Fluff Word Count: 7984

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/Part 5/Part 6/Part 7/Part 8/Part 9/ Part 10/Part 11/Part 12/Part 13/Part 14

AO3 Link: Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/Part 5/Part 6/Part 7/Part 8/Part 9/Part 10/Part 11/Part 12/Part 13/Part 14

You had seen Dante do some pretty amazing things in the last 6 months, from lifting a giant water snake demon off of the ground with his own two hands and then throwing it like it weighed nothing to consuming more pizza in one day than a human could eat in a month to being able to sleep in literally any place he sat down to even transforming into a beautiful demon when he activated his devil trigger, but to you, the most incredible thing you had yet to see the man do was to use his goddamn brain for more than 2 fucking seconds.

You knew you weren’t overly emotional and cranky from your lack of sleep because despite the fact that you had slept for a solid 12 hours straight, your head was still pressed into your hand as you tried to keep yourself from throwing Dante into a nearby trashcan. Lifting yourself up and looking at the man, his face far too smug for your liking in the moment, you felt your face scrunch at the sight.

“Look, I just don’t see the need to finish the back room,” Dante said as he brought a piece of pizza up to his lips. “Let alone add a kitchen and actual rooms back there. It’s fine as it is!” You had a lot more will power in you than you originally thought as you stopped yourself from reaching over and throwing both the box of pizza and the man holding it into the garbage.

“Because, Dante, you absolutely cannot keep taking out so many loans with Lady! You’re here all the time anyway, why not learn to cook or something? That and finishing the backroom would give you something to do instead of sitting on your fat ass all day and reading your magazines! Maybe you could rent out the rooms for extra money too?” you explained, your voice full of irritation as you brought your hand down to the desk.

“Hey, you like my fat ass!” Dante countered as he smirked. Smacking your hand into your face again, you drug it down your cheek and glared at the overly confident man. “And I work hard when I do work, what if I want to relax when I’m home?”

That… was probably the only valid point Dante had made, and you sighed as you considered it.

“What if…you found that painting and building WAS relaxing to you?” you proposed.

“Probably not,” Dante said as he bit into another slice of pizza. “Do I look seem someone who would enjoy painting?”

“How would I know? From all I ever see you do, you don’t enjoy anything besides pizza and sleeping!” You said, your voice full of irritation.

“Well, I think it’s obvious,” Dante said, motioning his hand over himself. “What do I seem like I enjoy? Like, I could look at you and tell you enjoy reading books even if I had only spent 5 minutes getting to know you.”

“Pray tell, how in the world could you tell that?” you asked, genuinely curious.

“Cause you’re a dork, and dorks always love books.”

Oh trashcan it was then.

Standing up from Dante’s desk quickly, you ran your hand over the top of the desk as you walked toward Dante, who was only giving you a smug look as you walked over to him.

The phone rang suddenly, and you jumped at the noise as you turned to look at it. Hearing shuffling, you turned to watch Dante stand up and make his way toward you and the desk. He handed you the box of pizza, which you begrudgingly took, before he reached for his phone.

“Devil May Cry,” you had heard Dante say that same phrase probably dozens of times, but no matter what day it was, it always changed the atmosphere of the store to hear him greet someone on the phone. You had wondered for months where Dante had gotten the name ‘Devil May Cry’ for his store, but the thought usually escaped your mind before you were able to ask him.

Sitting yourself back into Dante’s chair, you placed the box of pizza on your lap and opened it, happy to see that 2 pieces were left. Grabbing one, you began to munch on it as you tried, and failed, to not eavesdrop on Dante’s phone call.

“All done then?” The man said, his one hand pressed on the desktop as he leant on the side. Dante listened for a long time on the phone, and he barely said anything to whoever he was talking to. Occasionally he would hum or grunt in confirmation as he listened, and it wasn’t until a few minutes has passed that he spoke again. “Alright, thanks for letting me know. If everything’s all wrapped up, then we can come…wait, actually.” Pausing, Dante glanced to the side at you, and you felt your face scrunch as he looked at you. “Is that house the demon was staying in still quarantined?” Scooting forward a bit, you listened in more to what Dante was saying, hoping to hear whoever was on the other end of the phone. “Okay, great. Can you bring all the stuff with you to there?” Unable to hear the other person, you finished off your piece of pizza and grabbed another to eat as you waited for Dante to get off the phone.

“Thanks Morrison,” Dante finally said just before he placed the phone back in its place. He turned to you and you paused your chewing for a second. “Morrison’s going to bring your stuff to where that demon’s house was. You said you wanted to go see it, right?” Continuing your chewing, you nodded at Dante and closed the pizza box.

You hadn’t thought about your captivity much since you left the hospital, maybe it was because you had been distracting yourself with things to do since you arrived at Devil May Cry or maybe it was because thinking of your time in that basement brought forth a coil of dread that almost paralyzed you. Regardless, you knew you had asked Dante to bring you to see the area, and you had yet to prepare yourself for that return.

You felt your heart begin to speed up as you thought about what the area could look like now that it was no longer burning and now that it had probably been combed over completely by detectives for the case. The place where you were held captive was below the floors of the house, and your last memories of the room were just as dark as your memories of when you first woken up in there.

“You ready to go?” Dante asked, his hand offered to you to help you to your feet.

“…yeah,” you lied.

There wasn’t much left to of the house to look at. When Dante had described all the walls as having been burnt down, you thought there was going to be a little bit of wall or molding left near the floor to show where the walls once stood, and yet neither were present as you glanced over the area. The smell was still strong, despite days having passed since the fire was started and the elements being allowed to run over the exposed area, and you had to cover your nose as you stood because it was overwhelming.

The area where the house once stood was charred and blackened from the flames, but it was still obvious where the foundations of the house began. Dante wouldn’t let you step past the edges of the concrete, however, and as you leaned down and ran your hand over the floorboard that was covered in a centimeter ash and soot, you understood why.

Parts of the floorboards had fallen in, but only in one area of the house. It confused you as to why only that specific part was the only place where the wooden boards were falling it. Standing and walking around the house slowly, you were able to see more of the area below the house, and as the outline of a desk became more visible to you as you moved, your brain registered that that was the area where the culprit’s victims had been kept. Your heart was already racing when you had left Devil May Cry, but the sound of it now started to pound in your ears are you looked over the desk that was covered in wooden boards and dust.

Turning and glancing behind you, you noticed that Dante didn’t follow you, and was still standing in the same place he was before you moved. He was watching you, and the expression on his face was unreadable as you looked over his features. Turning back to the house, you let your eyes run up and down the remaining floor pieces. Despite the whole house being visible from where you stood, no part of the house stood out as more burnt to you, something that you found kind of odd. Continuing around the house again, you continued to glance over all of the floor as you looked for a hint of difference among each plank. Reaching the original side that Dante still stood on, you felt your face scrunch a bit.

“What’re you looking for?” Dante asked as you approached him. It was a bit hard to hear his as he spoke as your heart was still in your ears.

“Where…was the fire started?” you asked quietly as you stepped up to the base of the foundation again. Turning and looking at Dante’s face, he smiled a bit and you felt a bit confused.

“You noticed that too, huh?” Dante asked you as he stepped forward. He lifted his hand and pointed to the corner of where the floorboards started to fall in, and you turned your eyes to the area. “There, that’s where.”

“So close…” you muttered to yourself as your eyes moved quickly between the spot Dante pointed to and the area below.

“Morrison, for the longest time, couldn’t figure out how the victims were being set on fire,” Dante explained suddenly. Looking up to him as he lowered his arm, you listened intently. “That’s why he came to me. ‘I don’t believe in spontaneous combustion, so something demonic must be happening to these people’ he had said,” Dante continued, his voice changing to mimic Morrison’s and you couldn’t help but chuckle at bit at the imitation.

“I mean, I don’t blame him… Humans are hard to burn,” you said, slowly turning back to the burnt house. “I-I mean, I assume so anyway, since we’re made of pretty fire retardate stuff,” you sputtered out quickly. “L-Like fat is pretty durable, and I can’t imagine bone is very easy to set fire to either, plus you’ve gotta get through skin first an—” Feeling a hand come down on your head, you snapped your mouth shut and jumped a bit. Turning back to look at Dante, he slowly ran his hand through your hair, brushing it to the side.

“We still aren’t quite sure…what he was doing to the victims to set them on fire, even though he was a fire demon, whether he was just setting them on fire and leaving, or if he was doing something to them before he set them on fire,” Dante said as he looked down to you. “But the important part is that he won’t be able to do it again.”

“…Right.” You agreed, slowly turning back to look at the house remains once more. “D-Dante?”

“What’s up, babe?”

“I-I uh…” stopping yourself, you began to tap your fingers on your side slowly as you tried to figure out how to word what you wanted to say. “I-I want to try and start getting things…back to normal.” Feeling the hand on your head shift, you turned around completely and put your back to the charred home. “S-Since everything’s now done, I-I think it’s time for me to go back to home and to work…”

“You sure you don’t need a few more days of recovery?” Dante asked, his eyes lowering to meet yours. Shaking your head a bit, you slowly reached up and pulled Dante’s hand off of your head.

“No, I’ll be fine,” you said as you slowly let go of Dante’s hand. Hearing a call in the distance, you turned and saw Morrison approaching you and Dante. Waving at the man, you waited til he was near before you greeted him. He lifted his hat and nodded at you and Dante, and slowly set his hat back on his head as he raised up a bag toward you.

Taking it slowly, he explained that the bag held all your belongings. Checking inside, you confirmed that your stuff was inside, but you sighed as you noticed the layer of dust on them and the smell of burning still lingering over them. You thanked Morrison as you closed the bag, and then slung it over your shoulder.

The three of you talked for a little while, mostly going over formalities as Morrison asked how you were doing. You explained your situation, emphasizing that you were happy to be able to move again without having a nurse yelling at you. The man couldn’t help but laugh a bit as you went on about your found again freedom, and it wasn’t long after when you finished rambling on that you and Dante departed from the area toward your apartment.

It was a longer walk than normal to your home, and though the sun hung high in the sky, the air was brisk as you and Dante walked side by side. You were barely paying attention to the people and events passing by you as you moved, your mind mostly focused on the next day. You wished to return back to your normal again, but as you turned a corner behind Dante, you couldn’t help but wonder what your normal was anymore.

Had the times of working depressingly day in and day out finally departed from you? It seemed like such a long time ago that you could barely pick up a book and finish it in a few days, as your free time at work was filled with making time pass by quickly as you awaited your next day off. It would be a relief to return to your routine once again, but there was conflict in you at the thought.

The normality had once caused you such despair, so the thoughts of wanting to return to it quickly were confusing. But this normality was different, your routine almost completely different than what it used to be. Although your days were still spent mostly at the library and then at home where you barely slept, no 2 days blurred together in a fog of memory when you tried to recollect when past events had occurred.

Almost every week since you had started to spend your Thursdays off at Devil May Cry had brought new events and excitement into your life, and you could recall each week as distinctly as the last. Even the weeks at work that were the most mundane and boring still stuck out to you as you were able to at least place the week to a date based on association to what had happened at Devil May Cry. No longer had you walked home with thoughts circling back on themselves as you paced through the darkness. Had the game that life had thrown you into really shaken up your life so much that it was allowing you to almost completely reinvent yourself? Or had you finally freed yourself from the rut you were dug into so that you could see everything more clearly than before you had met Dante?

At the sight of your apartment door, you pulled your bag down from your shoulder, dreading opening it for a second before you dug your hand into it in search of your keys. Pulling them out, you returned your bag to your shoulder and began to shake out your keys as you eyed your house key. Grabbing onto the correct one, you walked up to your apartment door, but stopped just outside it.

“Thanks for walking me home,” you said as you turned around.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s on the way to my place any way so,” Dante said, bringing his arms up and shrugging a bit. “Before I leave though,” seeing Dante reach into his jacket, you watched him. His face furrowed a bit as he checked the other side of his jacket before he pulled his hand out, a box now in hand.

“What’s that?” you asked as you looked over the box. Dante shook his head a bit and handed the box to you. Taking it, it was very heavy, much heavier than you thought it was, and you looked at Dante.

“You don’t like the type who’d go out and get one yourself, but it’s a gun,” Dante explained as he crossed his arms over his chest. Looking down at the box again, you raised an eyebrow. “It’s just…In case you need it.”

“…Thank you,” you said, slowly opening your bag and setting it inside gently.

“You ever shoot a gun before? Or I guess, do you know how to use one?” Dante asked.

“It’s been a while, but I’m kind of familiar with them,” you explained as you closed your bag.

“That’s good, then I’m not worried you’ll shoot your roommate or someone. Then, if you’re wanting to get things back to normal, should I expect you at the store on Thursday?”

“…What day is it today?” you asked.

“Tuesday, I think?”

“Maybe not this week…” you chuckled a bit, bringing your hand up and adjusting your bag a bit. “I’m surprised you’re not sick of having me around the store.”

“I don’t think I could get sick of having you around the store,” Dante said, his hands coming up to rest on his sides.

“That’s a fat lie if I’ve ever heard one,” you countered, sticking your tongue out a little bit.

“Hey, I’m a lot of bad things, but I‘m not a liar!” Dante replied, his one hand coming up to cover his heart and his other raising into the air. “Swear on my life!”

“So… you’re swearing on your life full of lewd magazines, overindulging on alcohol, and being a professional demon killer?” you chuckled. “I’m not sure if I’m supposed to believe you more or less now!” Dante laughed a bit and brought his hands down to his sides.

You couldn’t help but chuckle a bit as you watched the man for a second. As you and Dante slowly grew quiet, you found yourself looking over the man slowly. You found yourself looking at his lips for a bit before you looked up to his eyes, catching him also looking over you. Feeling your face grow hot, you quickly turned your head away and stared at the nearby trash can as you tried to sputter out words. Feeling a hand come up under your chin, you flinched a bit and looked up at Dante again as his hand lowered a bit.

Seeing his face show a bit of surprise, you looked between his hand and his face before you gently lowered your chin down to touch his hand again. Dante let out a low hum, and you felt like your head was going to explode from how warm it felt. Feeling a bit of pressure under your chin, you furrowed your eyebrows a bit just before Dante moved closer, his feet bringing him closer to you.

Without thinking, you slid your feet back slowly, your back gently meeting the wall as the entirety of Dante drew closer. Bringing your hand up, your bag and keys fell to the ground, something you barely noticed as you laid your hand over Dante’s arm.

Your eyes met Dante’s as he neared, and you only broke your locked gaze with him when you began to feel his breathe on your face, your eyes going down to his lips again. Dante’s head tilted just before he stopped, his nose just about to touch yours and your face was still burning, but you barely noticed as you stared at the lips hovering near yours. Squeezing Dante’s arm a bit, you suddenly realized that he had moved his hand and had placed both his arms on each side of you, locking you to the wall.

When Dante began to move forward, you closed your eyes slowly, feeling the warm breath on your face grow closer. Your heart skipped a beat when you finally felt the touch of Dante’s lips on yours, and your breath caught in your chest. Feeling the lips against yours move, you gently clenched your hand and let your lungs relax as you began to move your lips as well, your heart feeling like it was going to pound right out of your chest.

Dante was surprisingly soft as he kept his lips moving with yours, both his kiss and his lips, and you felt yourself slowly relax the more you moved your lips with the man. He didn’t press himself closer to you, but you felt a growing need in you for more contact as he pulled back for a second.

Feeling his breath on your face again, you slowly opened your eyes a small bit, catching sight of the man’s expression that was softer than any expression you had ever seen before. Feeling your breath hitch a little bit, you reached up, your hand grazing Dante’s jaw lightly as you reached around his head. Weaving your hand through the silver hair and cupping your hand at the base of Dante’s neck, you pulled the man closer, pushing your lips against his again.

Dante hummed lightly as his lips began to move against yours, his movements more firm as he pressed against you. You combed your fingers through the man’s hair as you mirrored his actions, your heart still racing in the moment. The kiss only lasted a few more seconds before Dante pulled away again, his forehead resting against yours gently as you tried to catch your breath.

You hesitantly opened your eyes, and you felt your face burn up at the look Dante was giving you. You felt your lips move a bit as you wanted to say something, but nothing came out from your mouth.

“…It seems you’ve fallen under my spell,” Dante said quietly, his voice more rough than you’re ever heard before. You shivered a bit, your hand slowly coming back around the man and resting over his chest as you tilted your head a bit.

“Y-Your spell…?” Being completely flustered in the moment, you were taking a second to process what Dante had just said to you.

“Remember? I told you I was an incubus,” Dante said as he winked. Feeling your lips pull tight, you lifted your hand up and pushed it up under the man’s chin, pushing him off of you.

“You’re a dork, that’s what you are!” You said as you felt Dante’s arms remove themselves from around you. The man laughed, his hands coming up to grasp lightly at your wrist. You couldn’t help but laugh a bit as well, though a bit mad that you had given into to such a dork. Feeling your hand be removed from Dante’s chin, the man brought your hand down and held it lightly. Pulling it toward his face, Dante kissed the top lightly, and you couldn’t help but flush a bit as the man stared you directly in the eye as he did so.

“I’ll…see you next Thursday then?” he asked lightly as he let your hand linger near his mouth. You nodded lightly as you gently poked the man on the nose.

“Yeah, see you Thursday,” you said quietly. Dante hesitated a moment before he let your hand go. He knelt down and grabbed your bag and keys, bringing it up for you to grab. You smiled a bit and grabbed them, and Dante lingered for only a moment more before he turned around and started to walk down the alley, his arm coming up to give you a backhanded, two finger wave.

You only turned around once Dante was out of sight around the corner, your hand fumbling a bit to insert your key in the lock. Finally succeeding in causing the lock tumblers to align, you withdrew your keys and threw open the door to the inside. Hearing a loud crash suddenly, you jumped a bit, your keys flying from your hand to the floor nearby.

“Son of a bitch!” Hearing the voice come from the other room, you called out to the source as you stepped inside more, closing the door behind you. “You scared me!” Alecz said as they rounded the corner from the living room. “W-What’s with that face? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I-I’ve…just never heard you curse before,” you admitted, wondering what your face could look like in the moment. Bending down to grab your keys, you placed them in your bag before you rose to your feet again. “Sorry for scaring you, I didn’t mean to.”

“No, it’s fine, just startled me a bit, and I accidentally threw my book…” Alecz said as they shook their head. You couldn’t help but laugh a bit at the image of Alecz throwing a book that had appeared in your head. Alecz smiled lightly at your laugh and leaned on the wall nearby. “Welcome home, by the way.”

“Thank you!” you said, grinning a bit. “It’s…nice to be home again.” Shifting your bag on your shoulder, you looked around the apartment to see if anything had changed since you were last home. Noticing no changes, you turned back to Alecz.

“Nice…arm thing.” Alecz commented, pointing at your sling.

“Oh, my sling?” Lifting your arm up gently, you held it closer to Alecz for them to look at. “The nurse and Dante insisted I wear it cause I was, as they said, ‘troublesome’, so it’s supposed to keep me from moving my arm.”

“…I agree with them.” Alecz said bluntly.

“What? I am not ‘troublesome’!” you rebutted, pouting. Alecz only laughed lightly and removed themselves from the wall.

“Sure you aren’t. Will…you be returning to work tomorrow?” they asked as they turned and made their way to the living room.

“I think I will, depending on if I feel okay in the morning,” you answered, slowly following them to the living space. Alecz made their way to their usual place, slowly picking up a book from the ground as they leant down to sit. “I’m thinking that if I just…knock myself out with something then I’ll sleep long enough and feel well enough to work in the morning.”

“…I don’t think that that is how sleep works.” Alecz commented as they paged through their book slowly.

“I’ll let you know tomorrow if it works or not!” you grinned and turned, making your way to your room. Stepping toward your desk, you slid open the bottom drawer of your desk, and carefully rummaged through the miscellaneous items that were discarded and forgotten about in it.

Pulling out an old pill bottle, you held the base of it in your injured hand and used your good hand to twist the top off. You tapped the bottle onto the lid until 4 pills came out, and you slowly lifted the lid up to your mouth. Leaning your head back, you let the 4 pills fall into the back of your throat, and you swallowed them. Terry had yelled at you about the dangers of dry swallowing pills when you were in the hospital and needed to take an assortment of pills to help your body recover. You couldn’t even remember half of what you had taken during your stay since the names were so complicated, but it seemed like they helped you.

Recapping the bottle and throwing it back in the drawer, you used your foot to close it as you turned around and stepped toward your bed. Refusing to properly remove your shoes, you merely toed them off before you spun around and fell onto your bed.

It wasn’t longer before the sleep pills began to make your eye lids feel heavy, and you felt yourself fight the urge to sleep a bit as anxiety edged its way into your mind at the thought of nightmares. But you succumbed to sleep finally, your eyes closing at some point in the night as the feeling of exhaustion flowed through every part of you.

“C’mon, I have one arm that still works just fine!”

“Nope! Front desk for you!”

You were hoping to go back to normality today, but your boss was being particularly stubborn about letting you do anything. And so you sat at the front desk and pouted the loudest you could. Your boss was less than amused by your pouting, but he tried to pay no mind to it as he reshelved the bookshelves on the first floor.

Spinning around in the chair, you knew the day was going to be slow, as the middle of the week never brought many new people in. Kids were in school, and the cooler weather meant that there would be less random wanderers walking around, and so the chances of you needing to do much of anything was small.

Setting your feet down on the under-desk crate, your placed your elbow on the table with your cheek against your hand as you sighed loudly. You wanted to tap your hands on the table, wanted to move your feet around, wanted to do SOMETHING, but you worried that you were going to be making too much noise for the few people who were sitting in the library.

Reaching over and grabbing the reservations folder, you flipped it open gently and skimmed over it. There weren’t a lot of reservations for you to go through, and you wanted to groan. Placing your head on the papers, you closed your eyes for a moment and thought.

You had begun your routine again, the normality that you so desperately wanted to break before, and yet your mind wandered over to the case again. Something was bothering you still, a tiny little detail in your mind that you just couldn’t let go. It was probably a detail that you had misheard, or maybe it was just because of how odd the case was, but you needed something to do and so this detail was going to be sanity savior for the week.

“Hey, Boss!” you called out at your boss as you waved at him. “Can you bring the microfilm reader up here for me?” Seeing your boss’ disapproving look, you grinned a bit. “Please?”

You weren’t even sure where to start looking, all you knew was that Lain, whose name made your stomach turn a bit, had been involved in an arson case a few years ago. That’s what Dante had told you, and that was all you had to work with as you started shuffling through the microfilms. You decided it was reasonable to start 3 years ago and just go back from there, also setting the go back limit that you were going to stop at to be 6 years ago.

You didn’t think you’d be sitting in front of the microfilm reader again, one handedly replacing the films as you scanned through the old papers, and yet that’s just what you did for your entire shift. It was tremendously boring, just like the last time you had hauled the microfilm reader out to the front for research, but at least it was something to do. Film after film you loaded up and skimmed the stories they held, and yet there was nothing you found that you were interested in on any of the old papers. There were plenty of stories that you read that unraveled backwards as you worked back in time, stories that you’d see the conclusions to before you saw the beginning, and it was fascinating to see the details that were included in hindsight that would’ve made the story of the case easier to solve. And yet there was a complete absence of stories in all of the papers on arson.

As you locked up the library for the night, a large sigh left you as you threw your keys back into your bag. There was always tomorrow to keep looking, hell, there was every day until next Thursday that you’d have to skim through all the microfilms. You had barely made a dent in the stack of films you wanted to get through, but progress was progress, even if it was just one step at a time.

Walking home had a strange welcomeness to it, the sight of your breath in front of you and the darkened streets a familiar sight as you paced down the sidewalk. The houses and businesses you passed by hadn’t changed since the last time you had walked home, the leaves in front of them still crisp and the frost forming on them still shining as the street light shone over them just like it had done before you were taken.

It was only as you stepped onto the bridge near the city park that something began to feel different. You couldn’t place the feeling exactly, but it was dense, heavy in you as you walked across the bridge. You couldn’t help your feet as they began to move faster, your breath coming out faster and harder as you made your way over the bridge.

Home was only a short distance away, however, and it was only when you were inside, the door closed and both locks set up that you felt like you could relax. Your left arm hurt, and you barely wanted to unclench your hand as you knew it was going to hurt like hell to do. Making your way to the bathroom, you threw your bag and keys into your room before you stepped into the bathroom.

Removing your sling slowly, you tossed it onto the counter before you sat down and began to change your dressing. Your wound was healing well, but it still had a long way to go before it was completely better. It had only been just above 1 week since you had been found, and so it had only been a week since the stitches were put in.

You were told that you would need to go back to the hospital to have Doctor Frostla check up on the progress of how your arm was healing. You were less than thrilled to have to go back to the hospital, and even less thrilled to learn if you would need more surgeries in the future to help your arm. You knew that you would probably need some sort of physical therapy to help you regain function in your hand again, but you were most worried about the feeling in your fingers. You could barely feel anything on your index finger and middle finger, and it was difficult to uncurl them so that they could lay straight. You wondered if you’d ever be able to have normal function in your hand again.

Wrapping up your arm again, you decided against putting it back in the sling. You still brought the sling with you as you made your way back to your room, but you threw it at your bag as you climbed into bed. As you slowly pulled the comforter of your bed, you felt exhaustion hit you, the toll of returning back to work effecting you. It was almost nice to feel your regular exhaustion again, but still the coil of anxiety hit you at the thought of sleep. Pausing before you pulled the comforter over you, you glanced at the drawer.

You couldn’t remember if you had had any dreams the night before, which was definitely better than remembering them, so you as you rose up from your bed, you decided that it would be better to try and keep your dreams minimal if you had any say in the matter.

Today was your day off, technically, and your boss made it known as you stepped in the library. But you didn’t have anything else to do. Well, you could’ve gone into Devil May Cry, of course, but you felt odd about considering going back to the store only 1 day after you had told Dante you wanted to be at home. You also felt odd considering what had happened outside of your home just 2 days prior, something that made your face burn and made you want to smash your face into any nearby surface that wouldn’t break thinking about it.

Your boss protested your disuse of the sling as you sat on your chair, and you merely rolled your eyes at him as you used only your good hand to load the microfilm reader. Seeing you not using your injured hand seemed to calm his worries, and he left you to attend the front as he returned to reshelf books like he had done the previous day. You knew he wouldn’t be spending the whole day shelving like he had yesterday as there weren’t nearly as many books as there usually was to put back. His snarky comments and quick wit would be back up to the front to bother you soon enough, so you were going to enjoy the quiet in the front until that happened.

Loading up one of the more stubborn rolls of film, you adjusted it under the glass before you leaned back in your chair and began to skim over the paper. It seemed like any other paper on any other day, the main headline being something about the local sports team, and the next story down being a local story about some local guy you didn’t really care about. Turning the roll and letting the paper slide up to the next page, you stopped suddenly.

Zooming in on one part of the second page, you noticed a small story about a local fire case being put on the shelves. It wasn’t a long story at all, but it listed some dates of local fires that had recently occurred. Jotting down the dates, you looked around the front desk area to see if anyone was approaching you before you ran to the archives room.

Grabbing all the microfilm from the written down dates, you jogged back to the microfilm reader at the front and began to swap out the film in the machine for the one whose date was the furthest back in time. Adjusting the film under the glass again, you looked up to the screen and once again began your viewing of the paper.

The front page told you no information about a fire, and it wasn’t until the third page that a fire was even mentioned. It was only in a small story that the fire was mentioned, and you sighed a bit as you pulled out the microfilm to replace it with the next film.

Continuing your loading and skimming thrice more, you groaned a bit at the lack of information that each paper was giving you. The papers would only talk about the places that were set on fire, and if people were hurt in the fire. None of them talked about previous fires nor what kind of investigations were being conducted in regard to the fires.

It was as you were unloading the 5th film that you noticed the dates of each fire. They weren’t terribly close in time, but they were almost consistent in being 1 month and some days apart. Looking at the date of the last fire, it was odd that they stopped so suddenly after what seemed to be a consistent year of fires. Grabbing the microfilm of the last fire mentioned on the string of written down dates, you loaded it up and flipped down the glass.

The front page had the main headline talk about the biggest fire of the previous ones, one that had consumed half of a neighborhood and had killed over 20 people. But you barely noticed the details written on the page as the picture on the front caught your eye. Lain, the murderous liver-stealing demon, was standing on the front page, his face full of tears as he appeared to be talking to a reporter near the fire. The quality of the page wasn’t very clear, but you recognized the man’s face and his tattoo.

Something was wrong, however, something you couldn’t exactly point out within the picture. You felt tight, your breath caught in your chest as you stared at the page, your eyes refusing to move away from it. The coil of dread had filled you quickly when your eyes first saw Lain, and now it was threatening you as you continued to look at the page.

Quickly you turned off the machine, the glass lifting and releasing the film from below it. You were finally able to release your breath as you pushed yourself away from the reader, and you spun yourself away from the machine as you brought your hand up to your chest. Your breaths came out quickly, and you pressed on your chest to try to even them out.

When you had finally collected yourself after a minute, you pulled the microfilm from the machine slowly and set it back in place inside the archives room. You kept the paper full of dates however, and you folded it into the pocket of your bag as you sat yourself back into your seat.

For the rest of the shift, all you did was work on the few reservations that you had. It was boring, but you didn’t want nor have the energy to do anything else.

Shaking your keys out, you inserted the library key and locked the door before you threw them back into your bag. The dense feeling in you appeared again after you had taken a few steps from the library, and you found yourself moving faster than usual as you made your way home once again. You could barely feel your legs as you crossed the bridge, and your lungs were burning as you breathed rapidly. Even as you jogged down the alley and entered your home, your lungs refused to hold the air for very long.

You made sure to check the locks on the door twice before you turned away from the front door, and you didn’t even want to bother changing your dressings as your hands were shaking tremendously as you sat yourself down on your bed. You let your bag fall from your shoulder and to the ground as you slid toward the edge of your bed.

Reaching forward, you opened your drawer and grabbed the pill bottle again. You had taken 4 before, and it seemed to work, but as you tried to pour out the pills into the lid, 6 came out. Accepting that your hand wasn’t going to cooperate with you, you downed the 6 pills, again without water, and twisted on the cap again. You threw the bottle back in the drawer and kicked it closed with your foot, a bit too roughly as it slammed shut.

Throwing yourself back onto your comforter, you closed your eyes and focused only on your breathing as you waited for your body to drag you back into sleep.

You were back at work again, back to stocking shelves, back to the normal again. Maybe that would’ve been the most terrifying thing about what was happening if you didn’t know what was coming. But you knew what was going to happen.

You couldn’t stop yourself from leaving the library, the door slamming shut behind you. It irritated you that you knew you left the door unlocked, but there wasn’t anything you could do about it.

Your body was moving on its own along the already set path, and although the path was so familiar to you, it was completely wrong. The parked cars weren’t where they normally were, the houses were distorted and broken down, and the street was dark and barely visible under everything.

You could barely recall walking the entirety of your way home, but you quickly found yourself back in the alley.

There they were again, the beady eyes that screamed hunger as they stared at you. Something was different about them though, something you couldn’t point out.

The eyes grew closer to you, and try as you might, your body refused to move as the beginnings of a figure began to appear under the suddenly turn-on alley lights.

The figure was unfamiliar, not the demon beast you had seen in previous dreams during your sleep, and you already wanted to scream. It wasn’t until the mouth of the beast opened and let out a puff of smoke that you were able to scream though.

Your body refused to move though, even when the gigantic snake came within reaching distance of you, it’s mouth slowly opening the closer it got.

The more that you saw of the inside of the demon’s mouth, the louder you screamed, and the faster time seemed to move on.

Finally, all you could see was the inside of the beast’s mouth, the edges of your sight that could once see the alleyway walls completely were covered with the flesh of the demon covering the entirety of you.

Darkness slowly consumed you as the beast closed its mouth, and your screams echoed off of the walls around you.

You weren’t sure how you had even become aware of the loud noise, and you weren’t sure how you had gotten yourself to the front door, but as you stood in front of it with a man standing just outside your apartment, you felt your body feel just as fuzzy as your head did from being pulled out of sleep suddenly.

You didn’t know the man standing outside your apartment, his face familiar but also completely new to you as you stood before him, your right arm holding the door open as he stared you down. The right side of his face was scarred up, and under his hair he seemed to be missing his right ear, something that you tried not to focus on as you wondered who he could be.

You wanted to say something to him, but nothing came out of your mouth as your brain tried to form words. You found it hard to even stand up and hold the door, let alone move your mouth to form complicated sounds. You shuffled your feet a bit, trying to find a better way to stand as you waited for the man to speak.

Your movement seemed to affect the man and he quickly stepped into your space, taking you off guard with your arm quickly pulling free form the door as you stumbled backwards into your home. Your back met with the wall, however, and you let yourself lean against it as the man stepped closer, his arm coming up to push the door completely open before he grabbed at the edge of the door. You watched the man’s arm reel back and slam the door shut hard enough that one of your decorative paintings nearby fell to the floor.

It was as you were staring at the man’s arm that your heart skipped a beat, the coil of dread filling every inch of your body as realization smacked you in the face as you finally knew why the photograph you had seen of the culprit, Lain, looked so wrong.

His tattoo was on the wrong arm.

#devil may cry #dmc #fanfic #dmc fanfic #dante #reader #dante/reader #second person #text post #read more #mine #myfic #my story #SGAATN

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