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gillianthecat · 1 year

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Not Me

These are my notes, raw and only lightly copyedited, from four months ago, taken as I watched Not Me (around September 8th). In them I think about revolutions and the culture of activism, make predictions about what happens next, am endeared by romance, and fangirl over First. Among many other things. It is interesting to read over what I noticed then and how I felt about it, after having had months to mull it over and reading other people's thoughts on the show. Even now, I still have complicated tangled feelings about the show. It felt incredibly important and unique, and also like it was trying to do too many things at once. It felt flawed to me, swinging between a very human sort of realism and complete ridiculous nonsense. But having since learned more about it's fanfic roots and how much was changed from the novel it was based on (thanks @moonchildridden!), I can see why that came to be, and admire just how political they managed to make this show despite everything. I wrote early on, "this is not escapism for me," and that still very much feels true, even though the romance was beautiful and tender and I adored it. It brought up all my feelings about the times in my life when I was an activist, and about why I'm not doing that now and how I can get back to that. And all my thoughts about how to do activism, and how to actually make change in the world. Which is a lot, and the main reason it took me so long to write about this show. I only took notes up to episode 9, so there is nothing on the last three episodes. It got too intense for me to want to write about it, though I do remember many of my thoughts and want to write more about the series as a whole. I did write some about the romantic relationships in (or not in) the show, my love for Sean in response to an ask, and talked about the realism of the Not Me world in comparison to KinnPorsche in this conversation with @lelephantsnail.

long so all my notes are below the cut:

Episode 1

I get so anxious for characters when they have to pretend to be someone they're not. Although less so here than usual.

Ok. Looks like they have chemistry! I see why they're a popular actor pair!

That dirty oil fight is adorable but also... dirty motor oil! Blech. I can't focus on the cuteness for the grossness of it.

I like the voice overs actually. They're not necessary, Gun is conveying everything with his acting. But it's nice to have my questions articulated.

Yok is hot -> Wait, is that First？-> *checks MyDramaList* -> Ah, yes. That is First.

Episode 2 (and 3?)

It's so fascinating to be putting together a picture of Black based on the little snippets of what people say or how they react to White. And of course White is going through the same thing.

I live in a much drier climate than Thailand, but it still makes me nervous to see people starting fires in the middle of the forest. 😳😬

Oh no! Please don't have this fellow activist vandalizer die in the fire!

This show is intense for me. I'm feeling kinda raw about it. Definitely not escapism.

I love that they have this mute character and are portraying real issues. I wish it wasn't portrayed in a scene where it felt like Yok and his mom had never met each other before.

Wow they are not pulling their punches. I am really curious about the context that this got made in, and what the reception in Thailand was like.

Lots of feelings on my failures as an activist. Something about that room in the garage, evokes all those warehouse punks from my 20s. They still exist, I'm just not a part of that world anymore.

This show is very didactic. I don't know how it would work for me if I was a Thai activist. Or Thai in general. I think if it was a US show, or English language at least, it would feel too didactic. Either annoyingly earnest or I wouldn't trust the filmmakers.

But because I'm watching it as a foreigner, and it's about a political scene I know little about, the didacticism doesn't bother me.

Also I'm watching with the assumption that this was politically risky to make. I'm guessing that just making the film is a political statement in Thailand, and so I already admire it for that. Whereas in the US it often feels like it's relatively, not easy, but uncontroversial to make a political film, so I accept more. Or at least don't admire their bravery. It may be hard to get funding, but for the most part it doesn't feel like the government is breathing down filmmakers necks in the same way

I am making a lot of assumptions about the Thai political context. I need to learn more to have a proper opinion.

However, it feels really honestly radical, and getting that on mainstream tv in the U.S. would simply not happen. Indie films yes. Series by a mainstream company this overtly political no.

In this us there might be radicalism for the aesthetic, but not actually a look into the issues. Not actually a show that direct action as anything real, rather than a dramatic superhero moment.

I can't even think of any tv shows that are directly about activists and activism. In a metaphorical way, yes, but not direct like this. I'm sure they exist, but what are they?

And a lot of the tv shows films that are about activism are historical. Black panthers, etc.

I don't even know about in other counties.

Whew, this show has got me in my feelings and thoughts.

Anyways

I wonder if this show is going to address the parents each abandoning half their children. And how/why etc Black and White didn't talk for a decade(?). Or if that was mostly a plot device to get the false identity thing going.

I like that this is a lot about White's relationships with other people besides Sean. That those seem to be equally important, or more important than his awaking.

So far it is more about his radicalization than the romance. Which I actually am glad about.

The pace of Sean figuring out something is wrong is good. There is chemistry but no flirtation or anything like that yet, which feels right. And the fake identity thing gives a good reason for Sean to be an asshole without making him seem like an unredeemable asshole.

I wonder if we'll ever get to hear what Sean was thinking during this time. I hope so.

Voiceovers. Getting very didactic. Mixed feelings about that - see above.

Are they contractually required to have a pratfall kiss? The towel mechanism was stupid (although better than a bouncy wall, á la The Eclipse), but at least the almost kiss was better than usual. I liked that their faces were actually offset, no lips touching or almost touching. That fits them better, is more realistic to what bodies would actually do in that situation, and I'd better for the pacing.

Guns are a lot more terrifying in this real world than in the mafia world.

I hope we get more of that dude from the diplomats exams.

Episode 4

Political modern dance!!

Aaah! The Kinnporsche pool. I'm afraid that's seared in my brain as part of mafia mansion now, I don't know if I can buy it as another place but I'll try.

Are we suspicious of Todd?

Initially I wasn't because he was the one bringing White in. And I think people ship Tod & Black.

But I got suspicious when I saw how rich he is. (Oh right, they were childhood friends.) Is his dad Tawi? Would White have known/remembered that?

They seem to be a totally isolated group? Which is probably plausible for self radicalized university students? But also makes the show feel less grounded in real political activist work. Gives everything more aesthetic activism vibes.

Also these boys don't know how to organize or create a campaign? Which is also plausible, but they feel like dilettantes. I guess I don't need the ideas to be any better, just lots more talking to get there...

Episode 5

Oh, and hooray for a trans woman character who like an actual character and not comic relief or whatever. (Possibly multiple characters in multiple settings (I don't know what I was referring to here)).

This violent stretching while they're cold is making me anxious.

Ok this leaping across building stunt is annoying me more than it should. I think I have to let go of my expectations of realism here. The political message is legit. But the depiction of activism is closer to the aesthetic/fantasy side of the scale than I initially hoped.

Ok. I think I'm not going to love this as much as @lelephantsnail does. Or as much as I want to. But I admire it a lot. And if I adjust my expectations I can like it a lot. It's hard to enjoy exactly because it's hitting too close to home. Or at other moments too watered down didactic. (Black is defending capitalism and monopolies? How are they not more suspicious?) But I can enjoy parts.

Episode 6

Oy. I don't like thread of Gumpa constantly testing them. I get that it's to heighten the tension without going too far into plot that can't be backed out of but... partly I guess I don't think the emotional fakeouts are a good thing.

And partly I feel like it makes a joke of the activism? Like, it's quite possible it's a real training technique used. But combined with the general floppiness around the activism world building, it just... it's just like a standard spy thriller. Which is fine I guess but not what I expected or wanted.

Also, if Gumpa can call on all these extra guys for this test, why is their little group so isolated. Gumpa acts like a mentor but is supposedly not the leader? What is their internal organization anyway? What are their connections? Are they just privileged kids who decided to become anarchist [vigilantes] on their own? Are they connected to any broader movement? Have they considered and rejected less violent/illegal means, or is that not happening in this world? Would I understand better if I knew a lot (or even a little) about Thai politics? Or even if I just understood Thai?

Ok, final having a conversation about how to do activism.

Ok I genuinely love that this... romantic? not exactly yet but there's something there... scene is White-as-Black earnestly discussing political philosophy while Sean is drunk and floppy and red faced. It's just so unique and real.

Which maybe is why I get annoyed at the other stuff that feels less real. But I will hold judgment to the end, because I honestly don't know who's evolving in what direction. And what the final message on activist tactics/philosophy is going to be.

I also really like the music (other than overdramatic hospital music.)

Also! They have a beverage sponsor, and the plot is them targeting a beverage manufacturer?! Bold.

Police brutality is brought up as well.

I like getting insights into Sean, but I don't think it works with the structure that’s been set up. Mostly we're discovering everything along with White, and then all of a sudden we'll get Sean's memory? It feels out of place.

Also, I appreciate this version of only-one-bed. OOB as a get-along-shirt.

These boys are beautiful in sunlight (see: Sean on the rooftop).

Like I know it's usually good storytelling technique to not have them endlessly talking in the same place. And it adds drama to have the conflict in the moment. But also why the fuck did that not plan all this basic stuff out ahead of time? Why are they having these basic conversations at the site? There had to have been a third option.

I guess part of what makes me anxious is I can't tell if their bad plans are because they're supposed to be inexperienced activists or if it's because of filmmaking shortcuts (or perhaps even ignorance on her part about radical activism?).

I genuinely love that they gave this romantic moon gazing scene to a platonic pair.

Oh poor Gram. I keep forgetting, but these boys don't know their friend is in the hospital and almost died 😞

Episode 7

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I really like the cinematography.

Sometimes I really love it!!

See I'm glad they agree with me that Sean's plan was stupid. But why they hell aren't they discussing this beforehand? I feel like every activist group, even the most pro-destruction anarchist terrorists, has endless discussions of philosophy and strategy. Anarchists especially are not just going to follow one guy without asking questions or sharing their opinion. It's just so odd.

Unrelatedly, I love Yok's tattoos. So hot. I unironically kind of want the bird one. Although I do not have First's biceps and deltoids.

And I love the set design and these kids hanging out in boxers and low cut tanks all the time. The aesthetic feels very authentic. Which is why it's weird when the activism style doesn't. It's not so much that they're bad at it, but the way in which they're bad doesn't feel genuine to me. But also what do I know. I've never been part of the anarchist property destruction movement. And I don't know what it's like in Thailand obviously.

Thank you Yok! Finally some logical strategic thinking.

Ohhh. Interesting intersections here...

(I'm trusting this is not going to end with oh Tawi isn't so bad after all, we should be happy to be part of society etc. But if it does I will be PISSED.

Ok. This is going somewhere interesting. Starting a movement?

(Yok's fireworks moment was ridiculous but also a wonderful image. And hot. By the way.)

Oh thank god other people. I should have had more faith in the director.

Yay! Huge rally! But also

Where did this huge rally come from? This is not a spur of the movement reaction to their (frankly) silly little direct action thing. There have been other people planning and organizing against Tawi all along? Why are these kids so disconnected from it? Like I believe it's plausible that they would be, I just want to understand the story there.

The secret identity plot creates some weird constraints around the activism plot. Like in a way Sean et al are being de-radicalized? Instead of getting frustrated with the slow pace of community organizing and turning to property destruction, it seems like they started there?

So Sean and White will meet in the middle?

This dance! This feels like a real protest.

I mean, sometimes a small seeming thing will light the spark. But there also seem to have been organizers there ready to seize the moment and build the movement

And Black is clearly part of a larger movement with Eugene and her political dance. Yok & Sean and there street artists. Will we ever find out why they were so isolated? I'm starting to have hope that we may.

Gram is staring at Eugene. But I can't tell if it's because he's in love with her or jealous of her and in love with Black. Was he lying to Yok about Yok not knowing the person he was in love with?

Also, why couldn't anyone see that video of Black that Eugene took? Was their relationship a secret?

Registering protesters? I need to read up more.

Gun does a good job of making Black seem like a different person than White, even than White pretending to be Black.

Again I keep forgetting Black's friends don't know he's hurt and then I get sad.

So I guess that Gram is in love with Eugene. What's with the card White found then?

When is White going to tell them all? Are they going to deal with the fact he's been hurting them all with this?

Nuch's... PSA is what it is. It works here. Despite most of her dialogue being political statements she feels like a real person. And the didacticism of her statement on marriage equality feels good actually. It's a reminder that this film is not just about activists, but it is activism. And to put myself aside, because I'm not actually the target audience. I can watch and appreciate, but it's not about me.

Oh my god this scene. This fucking scene. I teared up when the queer couple catwalk across the rainbow flag started. I was not expecting that. And then Sean and White staring at each other across the flag. And walking toward each other underneath it. Sean's expression. Like he doesn't even know what to think any more. Taking his hand. And it isn't even romantic exactly. It's victory. That temporary victory.

This is the slowest of slow burns and it feels exactly like how their story needs to be told.

Who is Gumpa in all this, anyway? Why is he training them but not participating?

The high of victory!

Ooh, Sean and White are sitting on the couch together...

Ok, one thing a love about this is seeing a trans or any visibly queer character I can trust the show will treat them with respect. It's such wonderful and also a relief as a viewer.

Yikes. I was thinking why is he cooperating with the police and then he started to run, lol. Again. Love this building. Feels like a real art school.

Is this cop or whatever kind of bad guy driving product placement car? That would be hilarious and... something.

Oh, probably not the bad guy actually. Probably the artists friend rescuing him. It's still hilarious to see him getting handcuffed against the sponsors car.

God I love all these sets!

Oh wait, that's the artist himself. I forgot what he looked like. And that he had the cop ID card.

Yok you flirt. First's smile is dangerous. But Yok, why are you carrying this man's wallet around with you? Have you been waiting for this very scenario to arise?

Hmm. How are they going to handle this cop romance? I was kinda thinking the ID card was fake.

I'm not so sure about this other guy yet, but First can probably carry their chemistry on his own. His smile! My god.

Yok, you flirt! "Of course you can paint me…” I had to stop and make my terrible gif.

Ok, maybe this INAR actor can keep up.

Halfway through and it seems the romance arcs are starting in earnest. I am pleased with this pacing I think.

I was gonna go to bed but now I gotta see what happens now that Sean pushed his way into White as Black's room.

Also the way Sean (nervously?) fixed his hair though the peephole was adorable.

Episode 8

I love the physicality of all the characters in this. They feel like real people. The way they were slouching on the couch last episode so their jackets rode up. So real. Like I feel like I went to college with these dudes at moments like that.

This scene! The soft warm lighting. The blocking floor bed floor etc. the way they're looking at each other. The way White listens. That story.

Ack so much adorable. The head bonk 🥺 the trust fall

There's content and awww here and I don't know what to write about first because the aww is so cute. And such a relief. The first real softness between them.

Oh but the lying. I'm guessing White doesn't even remember he's lying right now. He means it that he wants to trust and be trusted. But it's kind of ironic considering. Will Sean be mad when I finds out Will it be addressed? I'm somewhat hopeful yes.

Although that last line sounds manipulative so I don't know what to think...

And again all I can say is:

This scene. Tears charcoal intimacy the closeups on their faces so much of the time. Inar actor you've got me convinced. The flirting to start that turns so quickly to intimacy. Yes that makes so much sense he would cry being vulnerable like that to this man of all people. Yok's reaction? To draw first and then comfort without asking questions? I'm very curious about where this regretful cop story will go.

Everybody's spying on everybody. Which is stressful in an activist setting. But fits the enemies to lovers with several twists thing going on. So I don't feel bothered.

Honestly I think simply connecting them to a broader activist community though the rally eased all my anxieties. I don't know if my objections have been/will be solved but I feel better.

Oh yeah, I forgot about my glasses related questions. How had he been seeing this whole time? They never show him putting in contacts, he just removes the glasses and goes. Does he have a very mild prescription? Are the just for fashion? Has he just not been able to see much (seems unlikely).

But anyways, Sean is about to figure something out, we'll see how much...

Lol, ten seconds later there's a contact lens case.

Ok but he took his advice and is trying to bite himself out of those ropes. 🤣

Oh hello mic pack holder. But I honestly do appreciate the actors' commitment to physicality. In this case squirming around on the bed.

They are starting to get sexy together and I like it. I really appreciate the slow development of their chemistry actually. Immediate BAM! is fun, but this fits better for them and their story and is nicely nuanced.

Ooh I love the recall to the first day with him now unthinkingly jumping this same wall.

Dudes. You or someone else should have made a plan for how to protest this lecture. It doesn't even need to have been a good one. But there was this whole street of organizers? And apparently Tawi is the Jeff Bezos of this version of Thailand? So someone would have tried to organize a protest, right? Thai organizing can't be that different, even with a different culture around respect? Or maybe it is???

Like I get this shows Sean's passion and anger but...

Oh forgot their last interaction was Sean leaving White-as-Black tied up.

This really is Only One Bed: The Series. How many different places can she conspire to have them sleep together.

Episode 9

Sex scene tender sweet and hot. Consent communication can be very sexy omg.

This feels very different from any BL sex scene I've seen yet. More real somehow? Why? The intimacy of the tent? The way the are communicating? Maybe because White's anxiety is not about sex but about being intimate while lying about who he is. The hands! The ear bite! Maybe because I haven't seen a bl sex scene get that montage/time lapse editing yet. It was a wonderful way to make it feel like they weren't just fading to black while still not showing a lot. (Which I guess why it's commonly used technique in other film industries lol.)

Did Black wake up because his twin was fucking? I'm not even sure what to think about that. And were the tears his own or transference from White?

That heartbeat convo and the little kiss. It felt so genuinely post coital.

They seem to be transforming from enemies into softest boyfriends ever. Which I think I'm good with.

It felt rushed in a way but then also it didn't. Like there was all this under the surface that suddenly was ready to emerge.

I love how they got a scene with the gayest bridge but it was actually about the decaying pier. Perfect. Although I'm disproportionately annoyed by the impossible leaps.

I'm anxious about this cop boyfriend thing. Which side of the storytelling will win out, bl's hea or activism's acab? Why was he there to rescue Yok?

Ok. Yok may be falling for the dude but at least he's being smart about not revealing their work.

Return sad poignet (probably I meant poignant? I don’t know what I was trying to say though.) amazing acting Gun. The grief of your long lost dead brother staying closed off to you ...

De transformation. Give me my phone. (I have no idea what this comment was supposed to mean.)

Called it! about shady Todd.

And that was all the notes I took. After episode 9 I think I was too overwhelmed by the show and my thoughts about it to write down my reactions.

#not me #not me the series #nuchy anucha boonyawatana #thai pro democracy movement #thai politics #political thoughts #gillianthecat reacts to bl #kind of like liveblogging #activism in media #clearing out my drafts

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