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jomiddlemarch · 3 years

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This new love may beget new fears

“She would have liked you,” he said. “So very much.” He’d shifted in the bed, turned to face her and he was beautiful in the morning light. Alina couldn’t help wondering if he were a little cold, bare to the waist, couldn’t keep herself from reaching over to his dressing gown at the foot of the bed and offering it to his wordlessly. He put it on but didn’t belt it and somehow looked even more naked with his arms covered and his chest still bare but shadowed now.

“We met a long time ago. She was a Healer and I had much need of a Healer’s skill in those days,” he said. “She lived near the True Sea, had grown up in a family of Grisha who were well-liked in their village, mostly because all otkazat’sya women survived childbirth and all the fishermen returned to shore. She almost didn’t believe me when I told her it wasn’t like that everywhere in Ravka. She learned though, she learned how it was.”

“How bad was it then?” Alina asked.

“For Grisha like Luda and her family, it was all right. But for most Grisha, it was persecution. Terror. Abduction and torture and murder. People disappeared and others were left for everyone to see. A warning, a threat. A village might be safe for a generation and then overnight, become the most dangerous place for a Grisha to find herself. It was hard on the children, because they would come into their power and not know how to conceal it, how to use it carefully enough that they didn’t become sickly and frail, as you were, but that they didn’t reveal themselves. It was harder on the parents, hardest on the parents who were not Grisha themselves, otkazat’sya mothers and fathers and grandmothers who saw a child was different and could find no way to protect them. Sometimes the convents and monasteries would take in a child and shelter them but sometimes they were the ones loudest about rooting the Grisha out,” he explained.

“You tried to save them,” Alina said. “All of them.”

“I did,” he said. “I failed.”

“But you had to know you couldn’t save them all,” she said. “Even if you were the most powerful Grisha in Ravka, you couldn’t be everywhere at once.”

“That’s very like what Luda said,” he replied. “I was unconvinced then as I am now. Even if I had agreed, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try.”

“So, you didn’t listen to her?” Alina said.

“I listened to her. I came to her when I was injured. I let her touch me and that was something I hadn’t done since I was a little boy,” he said. “I’d learned most people would try to hurt me, take from me, if they touched me. Luda didn’t. She only ever gave. She had such gentle hands. Such blue eyes.”

“Who is Luda, Aleksander?” Alina repeated. It seemed that it had been a long time since he’d spoken of her, that he had possibly never spoken of her to anyone else.

“She wasn’t my wife, though I would have married her,” he said. “She wasn’t the mother of my children, though we had hopes. She thought we had time and I was foolish enough to want her to be right. She was my world, my home.”

“You loved her,” Alina said.

“I loved her. With everything that I was, I loved her,” he said. “And I killed her.”

His words hung between them and if he’d expected her to cry out or exclaim, he must have been disappointed. Alina looked down at his hands, so finely made, hands that could make a crucible for darkness and wield it like a scythe or a dagger. Hands that no one had held since Luda died. She would have traced the lines in his palm, laced her fingers through his, clasped him tightly when he made love to her in their bed, the unknown sound of the sea coming through the windows or only in their shared memory.

“Aleksander, I don’t believe you,” Alina said.

“You don’t believe me? You think I’m lying when I may as well have clawed out my own heart and handed it to you? You don’t believe me?” he said and he sounded so dreadfully hurt, betrayed, that she wished she could take it back right away or launch herself into his arms and murmur sorry, I’m sorry, I love you but she knew they eventually had to leave the bed and the room and go out into the world where Marie was dead and Alexei too and the Tsar was not to be relied upon, the world of the Fold and the Fjerdans harrying them from the north, the world without a refuge except what they could make here and now to come back to.

“You didn’t kill her,” she said. “She died, but it wasn’t your doing. It couldn’t have been. Tell me what happened to Luda.”

“I can’t,” he said and he looked down, his neck bent in the angle that could mean prayer or grief. Alina scuttled over a little, to close the distance between them even if she wasn’t touching him.

“It’s hard to talk about it for the first time, I imagine,” she offered. “When it’s been so long, when you’ve carried it with you for so long without speaking.”

“Who could I tell? Who would listen?” he said.

“You’re not alone now. Not anymore,” she said.

“Luda would say that too, that I could tell her whatever troubled me. Secrets, fears, nightmares. And then she was taken,” he replied.

“Who took her from you when you needed her so?” Alina asked.

“The Tsar. His men,” Aleksander answered, words like the bullets of a gun no Grisha would handle. Except they must, just as Aleksander must find a way to tell her about Luda’s death.

“What happened?” she said.

“I did what they asked of me. I fought for the Tsar, even when he was cruel, stupidly cruel and wasteful, because I understood it was an alliance I couldn’t forgo, but it wasn’t an alliance. It was a travesty, an exploitation I’d yoked myself to, and when they didn’t care to keep the terms, they didn’t,” he said. “They came for me at our home, demanded I turn myself over to them or they would kill every Grisha they found, starting with Luda.”

“What did you do?” Alina said.

“I yielded,” he said. “I was the greatest fool then, I thought that would be enough. But they began to attack me, to shoot me with arrows. Luda saw, inside the house she saw and she healed me, but one of the Tsar’s men broke into the house and took her out, stabbing her in front of me. She didn’t even cry out, she just looked at me and fell.”

“Oh, Sasha—”

“I used the Cut, I killed them, the man who killed Luda, the officer who’d ordered it, all the rest who watched while I’d begged for her life,” he said. “When they were all dead, I took Luda and I rode with her to a sanctuary house for Grisha and I prayed to every god and saint I could think of while they tried to heal her. And when they stopped trying, I stopped praying.”

“And the Fold?” she said, wanting to say anything else, to turn and take him into her arms, to coax him to lay his head against her shoulder, against her throat, her hands at his nape, stroking his back lightly, steadily, waiting for him to weep or rail or hold her so tightly she could hardly breathe, to let him feel the light within her welcome him, soft as a cloudy dawn, as the flicker of candlelight beside the bed.

“I studied Morozova’s texts, Ilya Morozova, who was my grandsire. Baghra’s father. He wrote of power and how to manage it, how to manipulate it in such infinite smallness that it becomes vast. The risks and the potential,” he said.

“That is merzost,” Alina said. She had also read in the Library of the Little Palace, Morozova’s work but others as well once she’s learned to elude the Apparat, scrolls and papers dusty with time, hers the first hands to handle them in ages uncounted. A recipe book and the daybook of a Countess Z, who had not agreed with Morozova in the most interesting ways, but all of the authors wrote about merzost, though only Morozova described it as an abomination. Because only Morozova used it so harshly, so brutally.

“Yes. Merzost. And with it, I turned the Tsar’s army against themselves, into my own creatures. I created the Fold and everyone within it was transformed, through death, into the deathless Volcra, who scream because that is all that is left to them besides hunger and fury,” he said.

“Did you mean to make the Volcra?” Alina said.

“I made them. Does my intention matter?” he said.

“It has to,” she said. “It can’t be everything but it must mean something.”

“I didn’t,” he said. “I wanted an army of my own, an army who would answer only to a Grisha, always to a Grisha. I wanted to do anything I needed to do to keep the rest of them safe. Whatever it cost me. What could it cost me after Luda was gone? Baghra said it was my fault and who would know better than my own mother, who’d suckled me on shadow with her milk?”

Alina had a sudden, consuming urge to throttle Baghra with a noose of sunlight. He would have had tears in his eyes when he went to her but she’d struck him, just as fiercely as if she’d used her birch or the Tsar’s sword.

“Luda’s death wasn’t your fault, Aleksander Baghravich Morozova,” Alina said, guessing at his most formal name; he’d never spoken of his father and that meant something. If she were wrong, it wouldn’t matter all that much, it was the ceremony that would stay with him, the absolution that could only be granted by the Sun Summoner, the only Grisha who was his peer.

“And the Fold?” he said.

“Is your responsibility. It could be ours, if you wanted it to be,” she said. “But you’d have to be willing to talk about it more. About merzost and the making of it. What it meant then and what it means now. If you can let it go.”

“If I should let it go,” he said. “If I could.”

“It’s not simple,” she said. Ravka without the Fold, the world without the Fold—what would that be like?

“Merzost never is, it only seems that way the very first moment. Then it’s as easy as a petal falling,” he said. He looked at her, his gaze unguarded, ready to be hurt. “You said ours.”

“I did,” she replied. “That seems possible, if there’s nothing else you need to tell me.”

“I still love her,” he said.

“I know,” Alina answered. “There’s more than one kind of love though, and from what you’ve told me, Luda would’ve said the same. Except she might have ruffled your hair when she said it.”

“She would have,” Aleksander agreed. He looked away then, into the past, finding something else.

“Aleksander?”

“I thought to use you, when I discovered your power with the kogot’ khishchnika. To bend you to my will, so gently, so cunningly that you would find yourself acting as my sword before you could grasp what it meant,” he said.

“Generals are like that with their inferiors,” Alina said. It hurt to hear him say it but it would have hurt more if he’d kept it from her or hadn’t expected her to reach the same conclusion.

“But I knew you were not my inferior—or you were only because you hadn’t been trained, had nearly killed yourself with your hiding, because you were young yet and I have not been young for a very long time,” he said. “I would have done to you what was done to me by the Tsar, but worse, because I know what it is to Summon.”

“You changed your mind,” Alina said.

“No, you changed my mind,” he replied.

“You make me sound like someone to be worshipped, another Grisha Sankta with her shrine and offerings. That’s really not who I am,” she said.

“The people will think so,” he said. “Or they would have you become the Lantsov Tsaritsa, wed to Vasily or Nikolai, Sol Koroleva. You will wear a crown or a halo. Gold either way.”

“I don’t want that,” she said. She wanted to see the True Sea, to visit the University in Ketterdam, to take up her pen to draw something that was not a map and not a message. To get lost in a daydream until the candle beside her guttered out and light her way back to her room with her power. She wanted to eat hot spiced chestnuts from an open stall, gobbling them up except for the last one she’d give to Aleksander, to taste the mace and allspice on his lips, to smile against him and laugh as he smiled back before he kissed her again, tasting only of himself.

“I know,” he said. “And I wish you had more choices.”

“I have enough. I didn’t expect to have many, leaving Keramzin,” she said. “Would you still want to make my choices for me?”

“No,” he said quickly and then shrugged. “Yes, some of the time, but I wouldn’t do it. I promise you that, if my word is worth anything to you.”

“You’ve made it worth something,” she said and reached out her hand to him. She thought he would take it in his or pull her into his arms, but he did neither, brought her palm to his lips and kissed the very center, soft and deliberate. It meant something to him she didn’t recognize, some old custom he’d have to explain.

“Are you sure?” he said, repeating himself and asking a new question all at once.

“As the sunrise,” she said. “Are you, Sasha?”

“As nightfall,” he answered. “I think, Alina, I think I’ll keep asking you.”

“I’ll keep answering,” she said, raising the palm he’d kissed to his cheek and then to the back of his head, drawing him down to her. “One way or another.”

#shadow and bone #darklina #lusander #alina x aleksander #darkling x luda #backstory #romance #angst #worldbuilding #merzost #alina starkov is no dope #hurt/comfort #confessions #the shadow fold #baghra #darklinadaily #luda

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fandom-101 · 3 years

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But do we trust him?! Do we know him?! Do we like him!?

#no spoilers

#i wanna like him #he and his crew are dope #anyone who puts #ivan the prick #in his place #is already my fav #sturmhond #tolya and tamar #alina starkov #milly lb grishaverse #milly reads sas #seige and storm #sas spoilers #tidemaker

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what-is-infinite · 5 years

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I’m tired

Of everyone acting like Mal is the bad guy. Like guys Aleksander killed everyone at the fucking orphanage to get back at Alina. Aleksander created the fold and wanted to use it to take control of other countries, not caring about the casualties. He wanted to control Alina so that her power couldn’t be used against him. When Leigh said he was a boy burdened with eternity or how ever that goes she wasn’t saying it to be like aww poor bby she said it to show how power corrupts . Mal was avoiding and hurting Alina’s feelings in Siege and Storm and Ruin and Rising because they had been together their whole ass lives and she was changing into a person he didn’t know because of the power she had and the amplifiers and he loved her and couldn’t be with her and had to distance himself because they both had responsibilities bigger than themselves . Malyen Orestev does not deserve your hate .

Like if you wanna ship Al*rkling whatevs but like stop demonizing Mal to do it. And take it for what it is. Don’t be a pussy and mean what you mean stop excusing your shit. Mal tried his best! None, of them were perfect, not a single one not even Nikolai but that’s what makes them so good. They have real person flaws and that’s what makes Leigh such a great author . She shows the dirty side of shit she takes tropes and turns them on their head, she takes them apart and places them together in a way that is so human. I like Aleksander as a villain and for what he gave the story but he’s basically the worst and you can jot that down.

I don’t take constructive criticism, don’t @ me, and don’t tell me I’m wrong because I’m not 🖕🏽

#grisha trilogy #grishaverse #nikolai lantsov #alina starkov #malyen oretsev #dark dude #baghras son #she was pretty dope i liked her #genya safin #zoya nazyalensky #ruin and rising #king of scars #mal oretsev #dont @ me #im not wrong

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lilisouless · 3 years

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The Dregs when they get sick

-Wylan is a very good patient, a little whiny at first with Jesper but he is content with Jesper reading to him, bringing him food and doing his best to keep quiet and let him sleep until he gets better. The other dregs mostly let him rest though Matthias sends him the biggest stuffed animal he could find (until then Wylan owns two huge bears and one duck) . In his last sick day, he tries to stop Jesper from kissing him in the lips "i'm not as delicate as you merchling" and Wylan complies. Jesper wakes up the next day, sick and with no regrets.

-Jesper even sick is completely restless , he tries to sneak out of the bed at least four times a day. One of those times he is close to the exit door , by the time he manages to open it, Inej is stabding there and with absolutely no words,just one stare and Jesper is back at his room with tail between his legs. He doesn't want Wylan to get sick so he commisions Matthias to keep him away, Wylan then pays Matthias even more to tie Jesper on the bed so he stops sneaking around, bit mistake on Matthias part since Jesper and Nina didn't stop getting at him with innuendos.

-Matthias sleeps on all his sick days, only waking up to eat and fall back on the pillow,Nina doesn't allow anyone to get close,she has his room at complete darkness and all she does is stay at his side on a chair.She chopes his food in the smallest pieces so he doesn't have to chew a lot. Wylan tried to convince her to let him play the flute to him in order to give him a more pleasant sleep but the most she acepts is allowing him to teach her how to play it. Her performance is horrible and it gives Matthias very bizarre dreams, but as soon as he heals he tells her she plays like the angels.

-Nina even sick, demands to be treated and pampered like the queen she is. Matthias gets her waffles everyday, Wylan plays music for her,Jesper tells her funny stories and Inej brushes her hair. After the first day the other dregs need to do other things so it´s up to Matthias to spoonfeed Nina, give her foot masages and buy her all the flowers in the market. Inej does come visit on her last day ,just when Matthias is preparing her a sponge bath with rose petals. Inej touches her forehead "hey, you are no longer sick" "Shh"

I was going to put Kaz and Inej on separated post but well , i´m already here (let´s notice i don't know how to do sick talking in english)

Kaz:

Inej: Kaz,you are not leaving his bedroom,you have a cold

Kaz: I´md dnot sick ,i´m fined

Wylan: Kaz, eat your soup please

Kaz: dnop

Wylan: you take it or bring the funnel

Jesper jumping on his bed: Hey Kaz, since you are here, can you lend me some krudge?

Kaz: dnop

Jesper: Dope? great! you are on it "runs away with his wallet"

Nina writting: "Jes is getting all my hats...

Kaz: Whad add thou doing?

Nina: making your will, you need one when you are dying , "and sixty percent of my krudge is going to my super sexy friend Nina"

Matthias is just chewing some popcorn in the background

And finally, Inej

Nina: BRING ME MORE SHEETS! OPEN THE WINDOW ,SHE NEEDS SOME AIR! AND WHERE IS THE HOT SOUP I ORDERED A MINUTE AGO!

Inej: Nina...

Nina: Shh, don't talk, i need to check on your vitals sings "touches her forehead" Saints! she is burning!

Inej: Maybe because you wrapped me in five sheets like a baby

Jesper crying while grasping at the bed : Oh please great ghezen! take me instead! She is too precious to go!

Matthias setting all the statues of the saints and god he could get: all right guys, i need you to unite and focus all your power on Inej and Inej alone

Kaz just entering the room with a wheelbarrow full of medic supplies : all right, one of these HAS to do it

Inej: did you bought everything in the drugstore?

Kaz: please, i´m not that stupid. I bought the drugstore

Anika: Boss! we have the package from Ravka!

Rotty: But be careful, she bites

Kaz: bring it in!

Alina blindfolded and caught by two dregs: Let me go! I warn you my husband will call the queen and king of Ravka ,they will make you pay..."takes of blindfold and sees Kaz" oh, not again

Kaz: Starkov, you are the only saint alive we know, do some saint magic and heal Inej

Alina: I...it doesn't work like this, i invoke the sun but i am not a healer.

Kaz: Ugh! i spend all those krudge on nothing

Inej: guys, is really not a big deal, the doctors in the hospital already told you i just need some rest, is just a virus i caught probably in the dock

Kaz: The dock? I must have known.Wylan! go set that place on fire!

Wylan: right on it!

Kaz: And Starkov, make yourself usefull and go make Inej some juice

Alina: But...i...i don't live...you kidna...you can't just..."sigh" orange or apple,Inej?

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lover-of-trash-and-people · 3 years

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guess who's back again me with my thoughts during s1e3 of my netflix shadow and bone rewatch (spoilers)

My queen Genya is beautiful and is casted perfectly imo and I love her I enjoy Alina enjoying luxury because she's never had this stuff Genya said get lost racist maids Genya is so fucking amazing and funny and lovely You can tailor extensions in?! Sign me up I'm pretty sure this was never the intention but Grisha being treated as the other and Alina being like I've only been grisha for a day with Genya replying maybe you've only been aware for a day but you've been grisha your whole life gives me such old queer people accepting baby queers into the community NINA FUCKING ZENIK BEING PART OF THE CROWS THIS EARLY I MEAN IM NOT COMPLAINING BUT HOW (is what I said the first time I was watching this) DANIELLE IS NINA I'm really intrigued at how the Helnik story is woven into this timeline and how it's changed and how that will impact and possible future endeavours Also, Arken looking at Jesper and requesting Milo the emotional support goat is just amazing Jesper trying to fend off his gambling addiction and yet being dragged in, so fucking cool Genyalina dynamic absolutely adorable Hey Ben you cutie, he's literally better to look at in the sunlight Ew Pyotr you disgusting vermin The queen's a bitch and a racist confirmed okay alek stepping in to introduce Alina when she felt lost for words to do it herself was nice, I think Don't think I've said this before but the shadow summoning looks kind of dope as fuck okay leaning in close beside her ear and whispering now call the sun to her and holding her hand I see you aleksander you smooth fuck Alina slowly breaking into a smile as she sees her power and accepts its existence for the first time Her smile bursting forth when he says you were perfect aaah 'welcome home, miss starkov' aaaah my heart LEIGH BARDUGO IN A FABRIKATOR KEFTA HUGGING ALINA I CAN'T also the score is beautiful here Zoya I can't fucking believe you said that to Alina MILO HAS ENTERED THE CHAT Arken pulling a sus move cements my belief that Kaz will never trust him Also goddamn Freddy Carter looks good Wow Inej talking about her family is hitting me too hard in the feels Kaz Aaaaaaah Matthias first look Okay Daniella is serving good Nina energy I actually enjoy Arlen's vibe even though he's super sus Lmao jesper has been up to his jesperness lol Arken you sneaky bitch omg every time I look at Nadia I think of her brother and of Tamar Omg Botkin, I wish we saw more of him okay Malina we get it you're adorable fastracking the Zoya fight and toning it down? hmm, interesting choice okay why do I love when Zoya is mean to Alina (does it trigger my tsundere thing) OMG NADIA SAID I LIKE WOMEN WHAT ABOUT IT I knew we were about to see the Apparat as soon as she was in the library again, casting's perfect omg apparat stop being creepy (I know he won't, idk why I say it) already telling us about morozova's amplifiers? hmm I don't know how I feel about that OMG I CAN'T WAIT FOR BAGHRA omg apparat you creep switching up the hut for a cave hmm Omg Zoe looks hella fine and she has that nice ageless look too Her eyes are so startling, I love them 'And yet I wish I were with... with the First Army' yes super convincing Alina why is Arken such a sneaky mfer and why does that make me like him okay the little 'salt coming at ya' during the royal tester thing is so cool Oh Ivan, if only you weren't so mean to Alina I would like you eww volcra blood dripping Arken having the foresight to get Milo for Jesper, I love him for that why is the Jesper shooting volcra off with Milo in his hand the most perfect piece of art I have ever witnessed WE LOVE THE HINT THAT CANE WITH JESPER TAKING THE LAST SHOT THAT WAS SO SEXY okay make me cry I guess Alina that buildup of music depicting Alina's emotions ouch

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