#all they ever do is leave and hurt me

[gwcnstcy]

.

#sometimes im not sure why i keep letting people in #all they ever do is leave and hurt me #and it makes me feel as bad as i used to back in highschool #like whats even the point anymore #im so tired of losing people

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

best BEAST!!

#fanart #Xuanwu #in case it does not show credits: Thank you to Minilisko #And a huge thank you for letting me post this to The Blog <3 #The best is real! The details and edits are so on point! What a marvelous creature!!! #There is an innocence to the beast...A porcupine dilemma of being unable to be close without hurting others. #The knife is protection and the knife is isolation. Safety over companionship... #It was just sleeping in cave when the cultivator's showed up. It woke up to arrows and swords! #Did it mean to harm anyone or did it just react to the world around it? #(speaking of the actual beast in mdzs now:) There was a tunnel to leave the cave and it stayed. #Do you ever wonder if the beast found it's way inside but grew to big to leave? If it entered to be safe but ended up trapped? #This is all to say: Hey Madam Lan I think I have a new friend for you. She understands your plight. #Forfeit your worries to the turtle. Let the turtle bring you joy

[caluette]

the truth

#blue lock #blue lock fanart #alexis ness #ブルーロック #art #fanart #blue lock manga #my art #michael kaiser #in spirit #i think about scenarios where ness leaves kaiser #whether just to pass to isagi or for good #and i believe this is the key to kaiser's awakening #given that his “identity”/ego first appeared not out of malice but out of the desperation to protect the one thing he cared about (the ball #and of course his monologue in 260 about how he treats the ball explicitly parallels how he treats ness #which makes me believe losing ness or the risk of losing ness is instrumental in kaiser's reawakening #BUT. #kaiser is a deeply sad angry person and he cannot let the world know he's weak #so i fear that ness leaves him and instead of admitting oh maybe i do care kaiser snaps #because ness can't leave him if he pushes ness away harder right? #kaiser telling ness exactly what he was to him #exactly why he approached him in the first place #you're nothing but a dog #an experiment #because fury covers up the hurt (hurt that kaiser is even angrier that he *has*) and so the damage is done #so that's what this doodle is based on el oh el #and ness is left reevaluating every moment they've ever shared and wondering if it was real at all #(because even if kaiser did care he doesn't have the capacity to realize he did-- i do believe his behavior in 243 was genuine and proof he #-cares for ness in the only way he can he just does not understand that yet because he fundamentally does not understand kindness) #and he won't before it's almost too late

[skunkes]

ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow! #all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project. #as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either. #im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it) #i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

[craycraybluejay]

yes i am an adult male who loves high school dramas this is because i literally never experienced normal coming of age drama like ever and am disconnected from the collective experience of having a relatable peer group forever hope that helps

#i JUST want to experience high school #without like. my whole shitty life thing having gone on #i want to go to high school and have stupid drama and sexuality crises and worries about grades #not... That #i never had that im never going to have that #can i get (one) permission to go a little crazy if i survive into a university #fuck everyone befriend and be-enemy everyone get all up in peoples stupid mind numbingly low stakes drama #i want that sweet golden experience where the worst thing ill ever fear is annoying my classmates #or accidentally spilling something on someone at a dance #i deserve it i deserve to have had a childhood and a young adulthood and a life #i deserve to have dealt with unserious issues to prepare me for bigger ones #rather than serious danger that leaves me permanently severed from normal people and life #and makes me incapable of reacting proportionally or finding it in me to care about less serious problems #like yes it sucks your mom is going to miss college graduation #but i thank my lucky stars that you are not dying or being abused or starved or beaten or exploited #i literally dont know how to take things seriously a lot of the time like im not able to even if i try #because to me the mildest real problem is someone purposefully isolating you and ruining your health #the MILDEST #i try to care ab simple stuff i really do i just CANT #and it sucks so much trying to be a good friend and kind feeling like i cant do enough #the loud thought 'i wish that hapoened to me/i wish i worried about that/i wish the people i love only had that as a problem' #i get so envious. like thank fucking god your parents divorced like normal adults when it should be over #thank fucking god that 'friend' cut you off when they were actively insulting you and betraying your trust #thank the fucking universe that shitty partner dumped you before you fkn hurt yourself over them #yk? #and its a 'mean/cold' way to think about it but i just dont have the capacity to think or feel the little picture #i can imagine my friends subjected to such horror even tho i dont want to

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not? #how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe. #why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it? #just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay. #maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning. #on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

[leolaroot]

made my mom cry but i got some serious bull shit off my chest oh well happy mothers day

#shes reading this conference talk where this guy says “trust is the basis of all relationships” and she says i dont think thats true bc how #can a mother trust her baby. how can a mother trust a toddler. how can a mother trust an adult child who has lied or turned their life away #from their parents. #and so i asked her do you not trust us kids? #abd she waffled but eventually she said Yesh. like i love you and i know i can trust you for some things but all of you have hurt me so. #and i said Yeah thats natural. i think complete trust is a superhuman quality i dont think i trust anyone 100% #qnd she says Okay so why dont you trust me. What have i ever done to you. #first of all. 😐 you dont want to hear it so dont ask that lol. 2nd you just told me you dont trust me and i didnt react so calm down. #but anyways i just said to her “youre dependable and i know you wont let me down when youve made a commitment to do something. #but i have emotions and thoughts that i do not trust you with.“ #and we both started crying but i stood firm and i told her i love her but she just got up and left. #she loves starting convos like that but i do kind of feel bad for dropping thwt on her esp when she like. had to leave soon for an appt #but . i didnt say anything I didnt mean. and i was just responding to her.

[bunnihearted]

☁️🌷

#ugh im so anxious and like i think i have more pains bc of it #i overslept bc ever since i got a new phone my alarm is so quiet i never wake up?? this is the third time this happens for this class #but i cant miss more bc if i have more than three weeks absence they'll fail me :< so i hurried and walked to school #i wish i had a bus pass T-T since they introduced civilian clothed controllants i havent dared taking the bus at all i dont wanna get a fine #so yes anyway. on top of that im pretty sure my sister stole my keys. bc they were in my jacket pocket yesterday and today they werent there #and she left somewhere earlier this morning. so now im anxious abt not knowing where they are + will i get inside?? my mom wakes up late af #ummm what else???? idk im just so stressed. i got to class and have been here for 40min now and the teacher left for lunch #i'll leave now bc i cant focus enough to sit here more. my tooth aches too :(( #i just wanna cry tbh #the entire way here i was like i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die #i feel so awful.. and stupd and worthless. why am i incapable of getting a job? or even studying at university? im so bad at everything #im like an anxious wreck who can barely function. everything hurts both physically and emotionally #i dont even wanna walk home im just sitting in my empty classroom bc i dont wanna kove #move* #what's wrong with me? how did i turn into this? i miss school. like i miss being able to actually do my work and talk to the teachers etc #im only a shell of what i used to be. and im scared i'll never be anything other than this :(((( #well i gotta move ig bc the sooner i do the sooner i can get home and lie in my bed & cry over how useless i am :3

[oatbugs]

today was ok good great bad 😭 rant in tags lets try to be normal abt this

#it's not tuscan leather， but they do smell like mint and cherries and a fireplace. they kissed me #all over my back， and my hand， and my shoulders. i only ever kissed them on the lips. i only ever kiss them #when i'm about to leave them at the station gates. some red-eyed bloodhound cancelled their own plans and i laughed with them like a friend #i asked if they want me to bring them a hot water bottle or painkillers or a pair of lungs for them to eat. #the person in front of me has 4 lungs and 2 hearts and a brown leather coat and those bright radiance-incarnate kind of eyes. #you know the kind i mean. their hands are diligent with the pen. they say that i'm an angel and i'm right and i decide #the truths-in-all-possible-worlds. they say they only perceive the parts of me that i'd like perceived. they say all the right things. #the dog doesn't mind at all. the next station is edgeware road again. the dog says don't come over baby. its all slurred and deep and #shallow. returns a falsum. i really like you， baby. let's just be nothing， baby. i can't comprehend that anyone was raised unhappy. #she has free gaza painted on the back of her designer jacket， and she says she can't believe people suffer. there's something wrong with me #baby， why else would i turn down two perfect girls? she broke my nose， baby. ye zendegie dige ashaghet misham azize delam. #she might be a rich bitch but i only lived in kensington， baby. sunshine says they can't have kids because they plan to be #an enemy of many states. i offered to meet them but i look up and i notice the blonde streaks in their hair moving in the light. #i tell sunshine i'll never sleep with them. they want me in such a kind way it almost hurts. #they say we have a lot to teach other. i put the dog down again. my friend is wrapped around me. my friend walks me to the station. #i kiss them goodbye at the gates.

[8rujaa]

my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this. #like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible. #i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’ #i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’ #she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’ #i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength. #yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help. #the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened. #my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’ #LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’ #she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help) #im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.

[trans-estinien]

people really love to conveniently forget trans men exist when they talk about feminism. or if they dont they make us out as also part of the problem as if we somehow are able to have the same amount of privilege as cis men. absolutely wild

#“not all men” is a valid statement because its fucking true #like guys. seriously. not every single man is evil #feminism isnt about putting men down its about raising women up to be equal and getting rid of gender inequality #sorry im seeing a massive uptick in people hating on trans men for being men lately and its fucking stupid #like yall are doing a great job at making me feel ashamed to be a man who likes men. awesome thanks guys #i dont normally make posts like this but its been rattling around in my mind for a few days now #its always put out like. all men (trans or not) are Inherently Evil and all women (trans or not) are Inherently Victims #which is absolutely the stupidest shit ive ever seen #and they also leave out anyone who doesnt fit into the man/woman dichotomy. and if they dont its always seen as woman lite #which is also stupid as fuck #not every nb/agender/other person is feminine asshole #anways. case in point. can we stop demonizing masculinity while also discussing the effects of misogyny and the patriarchy please. #because both of those things are very real and very much do hurt people #but im sick of people lashing out at trans men as if the problem magically doesn't affect us anymore because we are men #because guess what! newsflash! it affects trans AND cis men too!! #i shouldnt have to explain it should be obvious but like. im tired man #sorry ill forever be annoyed at women who just hate every single man who dares breathe in their direction because they COULD be an asshole #if you hate someone because of their gender no matter what gender it is i Do Not Trust You #anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk. replies are off cause i dont want to argue with people i just want to express my opinion

[tariah23]

im so sorry you got nasty asks ppl can be so vile. i love seeing you on my dash and you always have the best posts and put great stuff on my dash. ive never watched naruto but i dont mind seeing that either <3 ily i hope youre doing ok outside of ppl being terrible

They had me like this, anon...

#they tried to call me a terf and I’ll never forgive that 😵‍💫 #all because I pointed out some antiblackness- #I don’t expect much from wp and nbs here especially lgbt white folks since they’ve been the main ones running black bloggers off for years #especially black trans and cis black women for even uttering the word #they forget that at the end of the day they are still white and can hurt us #it was just #uncomfortable for me :( #but I’m not used to being harassed so I was like 🤷🏾‍♀️! #I had to delete sm messages 🗿 #tumblr is not a welcoming place for black bloggers so #it’s never rly been but I won’t leave until this site completely implodes (it’s getting there) #one thing about lgbt whites they’re gonna call a black blogger a transphobe for ever criticizing them ever even if they’re trans 😵‍💫 #I hate how common this is on here it’s disgusting #all I do is post about anime and complain I don’t be bothering no one 😭 #anon you’re so kind I rly appreciate this message 😵‍💫❤️! #thanks for caring lmfaoo #also #I FEEL LIKE……. you’ll probably go crazy if you watched Naruto sorry……. #please don’t watch or read it ever… I’m begging- but the perks of reading and watching Naruto is that you get to meet Naruto and sasuke 😭!!! #guys of all time!!!!!!! #I’ve been trying my best to be normal about it since I’m an adult but I… sorry I’m so sorry anon I’m embarrassing #it’s kind of hard to dislike something that you’ve been into since you were in middle school 😭…… #I’ll love Naruto forever even if it sucks lol #anonymous #tkf replies

[madame-mongoose]

vent art probably deleting later

sure i'll play uno

#i thought drawing would make me feel better #but no #i feel worse #actively trying not tk think bad things #but i cant help it #do you ever just want to explode on people so theyll realize youre a terrible person and leave you? #so you have control over them leaving you #bc you know youll be abandoned one day anyway? #do you ever just wanna kill yourself over it? #yeah. yeah. #head in hands. if i drove everyone away on purpose i wouldn't have to worry about being abandoned #if i have no friends maybe i wouldn't hurt this much #im so scared of losing people all the time #and i know i will lose them eventually #ive already lost so many #whats the point of clinging on like this? #what the point of even trying? #i dont deserve love i dont deserve friendship #i dont do enough #please just tell me you dont want me. just tell me you dont love me. just leave me now so i dont hurt later #sorry for the weird vent just ignore this #tw sui ideation #delete later

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

the reason i’m not afraid of aging is because i want to be a hot middle-aged man who has a toxic yaoi relationship with another middle-aged man

#u know i used to be so afraid of aging until i realized that i want to be a dilf. now it’s kinda exciting #i realized recently that i could never picture myself living past my twenties until i pictured myself as a man #but like. i want to be a man and a woman and nothing and everything #but like. i’m cool with how i look now for the most part idk if i would want to transition physically at least not rn #and rn i still dress fem enough that everyone goes straight to she/her #and i like she/her but it hurts rn #bc some of my family has switched to they/them or it/its and it’s just so soothing #but family that knows i don’t like it still use she/her and phrases like ‘daughter’ or whatever even more often on purpose #and it hurts bc i don’t really feel the need to change the way i dress/look but i know everyone assumes she/her #when they see me in a dress or skirt. even w how very not-cis my fashion sense is #but also i fucking hate pants which is a separate thing (prob autism tbh) and even if i wore pants they’d still use she/her #thinking of changing my name to something very masc so i can confuse people enough that they’ll stop defaulting to she/her #and i haven’t told ppl outside my immediate family so idc if they use she/her but i’m fucking pissed when ppl in the family do it #anyways side note when i was 12 my ideal gender (b4 i knew about being non-cis) was a floating consciousness w no body #or a plastic-doll-like creation that’s smooth all over #… i still want to be a floating consciousness actually lmao. it would be great #back then i hated being a girl but i didn’t know there were more options and also i was socially isolated (didn’t leave home for like 2yrs) #and my mother was openly transphobic whenever the topic was brought up so that was my only real experience #but i didn’t really internalize it other than the fact that my mother would be rude if i ever happened to be not-cis and guess what? she is #anyways it’s like 2am and also i’m only awake bc i was captivated by a sugar daddy middle aged gay fic for a show i watched like 5 episodes #for 2 years ago #sorry for rambling in the middle of the night lol #gn y’all

[peteypiessuperfamily]

"You were never meant to be alone, Steve."

#i will never recover from that quote #ever #it breaks my heart over and over again #IF I REMEMBERED WHAT FIC IT CAME FROM ID TAG IT #tony what do you mean tony #why must you point out that there were more vials of the serum #why must you point out that steve was never meant to be the only one #why tony #why must you point out that any comfort steve mightve gotten from other super soldiers was ripped away from him #huh?? #because atp i feel like you did it to hurt my feelings #and the never ending guilt that tony will never be enough for him because he cant give steve back everything he lost?? #he cant comfort him not knowing all that hes been through?? #the fear that no matter how hard tony tries he could never compare to what steve had to leave behind?? #this is why i read fluff guys #i cant handle angst #it permanently changes me #stony #stevetony #tony stark #steve rogers #iron man #captain america #superhusbands #ao3 #fanfic #i deserve financial compensation

[lestatlioncunt]

no but thinking of violante's manic state following her murder of ruven and that sick game of association-replacement played by gortash where he acts just like ruven did, picks up some of his behaviours and mannerisms and speech patterns he specifically used with violante and that he knows of well bc he observed and studied them interact, so that he can fill up the now empty spot left by ruven's death.

#rena.txt #LIKE THE LAYERS. vio is visibly not. alright. it's all about 'i'm alone without him' so he plays a role. takes advantage of the weakness so #to devote her to him like she was devoted to ruven. vio could've killed for ruven and now more than ever she's a powerful asset to have on #your side. plus she showed she can and will kill. she took out the only person she cared for (in their twisted ways) in the world so she's #useful but dangerous. a double edged blade. no better moment than now that vio is so unstable and lacks purpose and a sense of community #to lure her on his side for his future plans. there's smth about the manipulation in it that makes me lose it like #i know this is what you desperately need rn and i know you know you will never have it back so what if i showed you i can be that thing #you're missing? that sense of loneliness is what he's pressing on the most. and the loss too. and vio notices ofc she recognises when he #speaks or acts in a certain way. she's aware but willingly letting his plan work bc god. she does miss ruven so sickly much and the comfort #in a lie is preferable to what's going on in her mind in that moment. #there's exploitation and there's a lil touch of loneliness on his side too and it's bitter to pretend to be someone else to convince her to #stay but he won't ever admit it. genuinely think that if vio didn't leave without saying a word his plan would've worked. she'd willingly #pretend he could replace ruven. it would hurt less probably #that devotion that could lead her to do great horrors...both her weakness and strength 👍 the illusion of free choice 👍 #it's past 3am if i could elaborate better i would but i feel like i'm having visions at this point.hit me with a giant hammer so i can slee #i 🫶 toxicity in my characters dynamics btw