#and also if u need that validation to feel like it has worth. then one person will never be enough

[rollercoasterwords]

As a fic writer, how do you stay positive and not stress yourself out with constantly comparing?

I've been really struggling with that. I start spiraling when a certain chapter doesn't get as many comments as usual, comparing my hit counts and kudo counts to other fics, and it's really not healthy but I'm struggling with knowing how to stop, how to just be happy and proud of the response I've gotten. Any thoughts or suggestions would be much appreciated.

honestly? i know this might seem counterintuitive but my best advice in that situation is probably to stop posting for a while

like. for me the thing that helped most/still helps most when i find myself falling into the trap of comparison was taking a step back and reevaluating why i wanted to write and what i got out of writing in the first place. like, for me, the core reason i write is for the joy of creating something, and getting to share it with others is all just a bonus. but i haven't always felt that way, and it definitely took a lot of reflection and having to unlearn a lot of social messaging to get there.

i think we are all very much blasted with the message that the most important metric for how worthy art is = how big the audience looking at it is. and i think, because of the way capitalism conditions us to interact w art, it's really really easy to feel like your art is only meaningful if people are seeing it and telling you it's good. like, the focus turns to outside affirmation rather than an interior sense of worth.

but the act of creating art has merit in and of itself. art is worth something because the act of creation is beautiful and joyful, regardless of who sees or doesn't see the final product.

writing fanfiction has helped me find the joy in writing again by removing it from the sort of profit economy that conditions me to think art is only worth something if it can be sold. before i got into writing fic, i felt this sense that creative writing wasn't worth anything unless it was something that i could one day publish which really just stifled me, and it wasn't til i went "fuck it i'm just gonna write something for the fun of it with no plans to ever try and get other people to read it" that i started to really enjoy writing again. and i think that's why i tend to be really wary of anything that starts to treat fic like books or pull fanfic back into this pseudo-profit economy where worth is measured by online popularity/tiktok virality--bc for me, fanfiction is an escape from that sort of mentality.

now, i try to be really vigilant about when i'm starting to fall back into the habit of feeling like my writing is more or less valuable based on whether it gets more or less hits/kudos/comments etc. i think this winter i finally reached a point where writing fic was starting to feel too much like a job w the pressure i was putting on myself to write a certain amount of words or meet certain deadlines, so now i've just been writing without posting anything for like 2ish months and i've found it really helpful! it's good to remember that writing is fun and rewarding even if nobody is seeing it in the moment and there's not that constant feedback loop of affirmation.

and if getting that outside affirmation is a driving factor in why you're writing, and it's draining because it's driving you to constantly compare, then i think it's worth taking a step back and evaluating why you want to write and whether it's like....emotionally sustainable. there's nothing wrong with wanting affirmation and wanting people to see your work, but at least for me anytime i've prioritized outside affirmation it's weakened my own interior sense of worth and made me much more likely to burn out or abandon writing projects. it's difficult bc like i said we are all very much conditioned to prioritize outside affirmation when it comes to art, but for me reframing the way i think about what makes art worth creating in the first place has literally made my writing experience a million times better. so, the most concrete advice i have for giving yourself space to do that is just--stop posting for a bit. stop seeking an audience in any way shape or form. give yourself some time to write by yourself and for yourself, to figure out what about writing brings you joy when there is no outside affirmation and make that the centerpoint of your creative endeavors.

i think there might also be a skin on ao3 that hides kudos and hits and comment numbers, so it might be a good idea to look into that if you're really struggling to stop comparing! also, i highly recommend cj the x's video essays the kronk effect and 7 deadly art sins, as well as jamie berrout's essays against publishing if ur looking to challenge/reframe/expand/adjust the way you think about art + literature :•)

#sorry this got so long lol #but i do have many thoughts on the subject!! #i think this tendency to compare so heavily is very tied to like. an Internalized Artistic Profit Economy #or a meritocracy i suppose #where someone has to tell u ur art is good to make it worthwhile and fulfilling #but to me that isn't sustainable! bc there won't always be someone around to tell u ur art is Good #and also if u need that validation to feel like it has worth. then one person will never be enough #it's easy to become dependent on a constant feedback loop of affirmation #but if u start with a strong base of self-worth in ur art then u don't NEED that feedback loop yknow? #anyway #ranting and raving #ask

[stamour]

love (unintentionally) views sex as transactional but the only thing they get out of it is (perceived) validation for making their partners feel good lol

#usfw / #︵ ♡ 𝗠𝗨𝗦 ﹕ headcanons ꒱ .ᐟ #i say perceived bc it's like. very shallow. like bby ur self worth should nawt be measured by how good u are in bed #sadly what love learned from being in the entertainment industry for so long is that sex is the fastest way to get someone to like u #yet it's usually very surface level. they've had a lot of fwb type situations bc they're lonely n like #'give them the best sex of their life n they'll want to be around me more' #ofc this is a sex positive household!! but love's approach is very unhealthy and that needs to be acknowledged as well #most of her self esteem relies on her own objectification #random hc i have is that the number of times love's made someone else finish vs the number of times they have is... very imbalanced #bc they dont really care about their own pleasure they get that from tallying up the other person's organism lmaooo #i also half joke that love's one flaw is that he'd cry after sex but it's also partly true IF #he has an emotional connection with the other person first. and comes to the realization that it's about that connection n unity #and suddenly it's different than all the other experience love has had. it'd be overwhelming #and may take a bit for them to get comfortable tbh #idk why i started rambling about this LOL it's just been in my head for the past couple of days #love makes me sad. she's surrounded by love and yet feels like there's a huge part missing #bc sure fans love her. her family loves her. but she DOES want romantic connection as well #and i think that's valid and okay #will i let it happen tho? probably not ehehe

[zmickmilk]

Ur having a laugh right.

ME AND MY HUSBAND IS NOT SOME HAPPY LOVE SONG. And as much as I love love love mitski you really think MICKEY MILKOVICH is putting her on ?

GONNA EXSPLAIN WHY THIS IS WRONG NOW.

'Me and my husband' can ofc like all songs be interpreted differently. I'm gonna explain the interpretation I most strongly agree with (this is also from what I've seen is a pretty common interpretation). I'll also talk about how it doesn't relate to gallavich.

It starts with a heavy sigh. Straight away, you get a tired and negative feeling from the song. This alone is enough (imo) to tell that this isn't gallaviche's song because in what world would either of them start talking about their husband with a sigh? Mickey and Ians' relationship is the strongest it has ever been once they married. If anything, they should be having a sigh of relief because they finally get to be together.

Although the instrumentals are rather upbeat, the lyrics carry a sombre tone. "So I bet all that I have on that furrowed brow" comes to mind straight away. You have furrowed brows when ur angry, maybe upset/confused. One of her husbands noticeable traits is a thing of negative connotations. You could see this as a hint to her husband being abusive. Neither Ian nor mickey are abusive, so would not fit this role within the song.

These lines come across as almost desperate. Sure, you could see this as her lighting up as she sees her love, but to me, it's more than that. She feels helpless when he's not around. She only have value when her husband is with her / she needs her husband to feel validated and worth something. Maybe she's nothing but she has her husbands loves and she desperately hangs on to that to feel for herself. Mickey and Ian don't have that dynamic. They are both self-assured people by themselves.

To me this song feels like she is clinging to a relationship because she doesn't feel sustained by herself. She's trapped chasing the feeling of being loved. It has this undertone of "yeah he doesn't always treat me right but I've been with him so long ik he loves me in their somewhere and I am nothing without him so I'll stay" feeling to it. Its almost like she's been broken down by her husband so that see needs him and sees she's that but not enough to leave.

The slight repetition of "we're sticking together " affirms this for me. She's tired from start to finish trying to convince herself to hold out hope that her marriage can change. She can still be loved by him.

"At least in this lifetime" is a way of showing that she doesn't really want this. In another life, she would rather leave. Maybe she's scared to leave, and she's waiting for another life for the courage. Does any of this song like gallavich to you? Gallavich are desperate, sure, but they are desperate to finally be able to show love, not receive it.

Saying mickey relates to this song would be trying to say that he feels like nothing when Ian isn't around. The idea that mickey is only a love interest is irritating enough as it and u think he sees himself that way too?? I know mickey would get this song more than surface level. I mean, the man was a radiohead fan as a teenager. So, no, I don't think he relates to it.

I think if any relationship fit this song, it would be mandy and Lip.

This was super yappy, but I'm not all that concerned. Listened to me ans my husband on repeat while writing this

#dont try disagree with me plz ;p #this is so unorganised #IM SORRY #dont shame my writing skills guys #shameless us #mickey milkovich #mitski lyrics #mitski #ian gallagher #gallavich #mickey and ian #me and my husband #is always my top song so im very qualified #and didn't mitski say something about it being sad ??

[blushedfemme]

hi :) so i’m a 25yo femme lesbian and i’ve never had sex (has to do with growing up closeted in a strict over controlling environment) im only just now starting to have more independence and control over my life and i want to have sex. and i dont want to wait until i find something serious with someone cuz that could take a while and also i want to have experience for when i actually have a serious relationship with someone so i can be a good lover for them. tho i admit i do find it a bit scary i’m considering downloading dating apps to find people to have casual sex with next time i’m out of town. but i don’t really know how to go about it… i feel like no one is gonna want to fuck me because i don’t have any experience like how weird would it be if i’m in someone’s dms like hey i’m a 25yo virgin are u still dtf? lol .. so yeah if u have any thoughts or advice or if people reading this have advice please let me know cuz i’m a little nervous but i really want to do this..

hi lovely 💕 it sounds like you’ve had a very tough go of it and i’m so glad to hear you’re now able to have independence and control over your own life, that’s incredible ☺️

first, there is nothing weird about being a virgin at any age and no one who’s worth your time will fault you for it. i would happily have sex with someone who has no experience and there are a lot of people out there who feel the same!

i gently urge you to let go of the idea that you need to have a certain amount of real-life sexual experience before you start dating for a relationship. being a good lover is simply about communication, trust and curiosity about the other person. i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: anytime someone is with a new partner, no matter how much sex they’ve had, they’re inexperienced because that particular person’s body and pleasure is brand-new to them. we are all “virgins” the first time we have sex with someone new. your future partners will be learning you at the same time that you’re learning them, and it’s beautiful and messy and real and very sexy, trust me.

in my opinion, all the experience you really need can be acquired on your own, by reading about sex (erotica, sex education, sexual health sources, etc.), watching porn that you enjoy, and by fantasizing and exploring your body by yourself. masturbation absolutely teaches you so much and is a valid form of experience. especially if you’re coming from a background of sexual repression and being closeted (i can super relate) just getting yourself comfortable with your sexuality and being horny is a whole process. but doing that will help you have better, safer and more grounded sex.

all that being said, casual sex can be great and fun and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing that, too!! a few thoughts under the readmore bc this is getting long:

always have an open convo about STIs and any other health considerations beforehand. if it feels like you can’t have that convo for whatever reason then you probably shouldn’t have sex with that person. i am guilty of being reckless with this and although i’ve been lucky so far it’s not worth the anxiety lol

be prepared to speak up!! you have to be honest about what feels good and what doesn’t, or you’re probably not going to enjoy it. people can’t read minds. it’s hard to speak up with someone you don’t know very well. our ‘niceness’ programming kicks in. you have to override it.

be very clear-eyed about expectations going in. if you’re just looking for fun, and the other person is trying to date you, that can lead to messiness and hurt. it needs to be casual for both parties.

standard safety practices apply: tell a friend where you’re going, agree on a time to check in and a protocol for if shit goes awry. trust your gut. if something doesn’t feel right, leave.

sex is a huge endorphin high, and that usually means there’ll be a crash afterward. the next day you might feel like shit and regret everything, even if in the moment you were super into it and having fun. this is normal, it’s chemicals in your brain and not a reflection on what actually happened. (unless this feeling persists or you feel icky abt something specific that went down, then talk to a trusted friend or a mental health professional if you can.) if you have a good line of communication with the person you hooked up with, just reaching out and saying “hey, i had fun the other night, i really liked it when you did _____” and letting them give you some reassurance in return can go a long way to soothe the hook-up hangover

i hope some of this helps 💗 and no matter what, going at your own pace and taking your sweet time will always feel better in the end, even though it can be tempting to rush and “make up for lost time” (speaking from experience as a late bloomer myself.) wishing you luck + lots of safe and amazing sex!! 😉

#clarke answers #ask a femme #long post

[uselessheretic]

i feel like every other month i'm tapping the morally motivated networked harassment but i guess one more time for the people in the back

you can read the paper here!

it's not an easy habit to break, but people in fandom have got to get out of this mentality of justifying their behavior through thinking they're on a moral crusade or whatever. there is no reason in the world to verbally abuse a black fan with racialized comments in response to me saying a white person is stepping out of their lane and doesn't know what they're talking about. even if you disagree with me, the mere act of challenging a white fan's knowledge on antiracism where you can go back and check the original reply where not once did i name call, and to have someone reply saying i want to be the head negro of izzy fans and that i'm trying to do a jig for white attention with the implication that i'm an uncle tom for what? disagreeing with a white fan?

and then to have white fans reblog those comments and laugh while simultaneously saying they're listening and learning (but also why r u so mean to me uwu) like that's insane.

it's how the internet works, where we are trained online to dehumanize and abuse others. but god i wish people would use their brains and consider the context for when they think a line has been crossed for the acceptable time to get a pass on reblogging slurs. where it's worth interrogating the way people view others as losing their humanity over internet arguments.

it's just like funny at this point. how many ways can fandom find an excuse to abuse poc while making it out to be a moral necessity? what does it say about the way we engage with critique where our first response is to look to the nearest discord or group chat for validation? where we start out from a place of reifying group dynamics, and dehumanizing the other person. where even if someone concedes that the person has a point, it's incidental to the fact that they are already an enemy combatant who's threatening the safety of [insert something or someone agreed to need protection.] and it's all memes and jokes, hyping each others takes up and building off of one another, reminding everybody that you can't come for someone without coming for an entire group. like it's just... so fucking dumb??

and i guess that's the cue for "i'm doing this for my friends of color!" because even criticism of a white ally becomes synonymous with a racist attack.

[knifearo]

beloved aro blog thank u for that response to the anon who didnt know how to tell if they were aro (it says asexual, but maybe that was a typo?). i generally use the aro label for myself because it fits 95% of the time but that 5% is when the doubt comes in and i feel like im "faking it." but that anon u answered has Cleared the Cobwebs of Doubt. youre Right. Amatonormativity is So Prevalent. the paragraph about wanting romance bc romance, or wanting romance bc society says u need a romantic relationship to get xyz thing from life Hit Me So Hard. i think i will come back to this post every time i feel Unsure about my label. so thank u for placing your words in that order for me. love loses. love wins. violence. have a great day homie

first of all. i'm ur beloved aro blog 🥺 nd yeah i do think it was a typo haha

second of all i'm so glad that it helped out for you :) the thing about amatonormativity is that you will constantly go "it can't be doing ALL of these things." but then it IS. EVERY TIME. you look up and amatonormativity is warping your ideas of self-worth and your plans for the future and your interactions with friends and family and holding society as a whole in a fucking vice grip and it's fucking. stealing your lunch money too. idk. that bitch. you know how it is. anyway that 5% is so real and you're so real for feeling it and it is NOT silly or cringe to take a few seconds in the bathroom mirror telling yourself "you ARE aromantic. and it's okay." if that's something that'll help. and also yada yada "aromanticism is not one uniform experience and arospec identities are valid and you can call yourself aromantic even if you experience romantic attraction sometimes as long as it feels like a label that's relevant to your experience" all the things that i'll say anytime someone is coming to me saying that they don't know if they're Really aro haha. just to get it out of the way. sounds like you've got stuff in a good place rn and i'm so glad that you're feeling that way :) hell yeah brother love loses!!!!! aromanticism forever and ever 🖤

#man who never stops talking about aromanticism when someone lets him talk about the logistics of using the aromantic label #GOD i need to write my little aro theory posts so bad. i need people to have a framework in place #so that i can talk about the way that amatonormativity has fucked up our societal concepts of morality cause like... #saying 'amatonormativity has a huge influence on whether you are seen as a morally good person' is WILD with nothing behind it. #but it's true. anyway. fuuuuuck dude. #love you anon kissing you hope you have such a good day. write in anytime #ask #aromantic #aromanticism #arospec #aro positivity #aroace

[sapphire-weapon]

First off i wanted to say i appreciate you always sharing your true opinion without muddying it up too much or trying to appease people. The honesty is very refreshing!

Okk anyway i keep seeing this take going around and wanted to know your thoughts on it (i have my own, but):

Leon in infinite darkness asks shen may out to dinner once and then later is looking forward to dinner with Claire. Do you see both of these incidents as platonic? The first one reads as flirting to me and the last one seems like an intentional ship tease from the writers (before uh, yknow, making the encounter end on a sour note... look, that one hug they share when leon saves her is ship tease 100% they know what theyre doing)

A lot of people seem to think he is just innocently wanting a meal and I kind of get that vibe with Claire I guess but... ... ... ANYWAY what are your thoughts. I think people are just simply afraid of whore leon

The way I look at it is that my goal first and foremost is to analyze the story text in a serious way -- and it's impossible to have a productive conversation about narrative, characterization, and use of literary tropes if I treat every single possible interpretation of the text as valid. There needs to be some uniformity to what I'm saying, or else there's no point in having the conversation.

That, and I also feel like there's no point in having this little community at all if we can't be honest with each other. Friendships aren't built on uwu. They're built on a sincere exchange of common interests and ideas.

So, I'm really grateful that we've all found each other. It's been so fucking awesome to meet so many people who are genuinely interested in a literary analysis of RE's story and want to brainstorm ideas and piece through things together as a team -- because this has never been my experience in RE fandom before, over the full 25 years that I've been here.

I love u all very much ❤

Ok, so as for your actual question --

I pretty much agree with your interpretation of what's going on there.

People really need to get the fuck over this weird, puritanical pearl-clutching they're doing and being scandalized by OG Leon being a slut canonically. OG Leon tries to fuck Hunnigan at one point, for god's sake.

Because, like. If you try to handwave away or whitewash the way that Leon is pure testosterone; he's a walking hard-on looking for a hole throws himself at people, you're erasing and overlooking a really big part of his character.

Leon is lonely and he fucking hates himself.

The way that this manifests/the way that he expresses this is different between Remake and OG, but that fact about him never goes away. Remake Leon puts up walls and self-isolates as though he's trying to protect everyone around him from the misfortune of having to know him, but OG Leon does the opposite. OG Leon is constantly giving more and more of himself away in the hopes that, eventually, there'll be nothing left.

So, there's a few different things going on there when he asks out Shen May and then Claire in ID.

With Shen May -- yes, he is actually asking her out. That is a legitimate offer for a date that he will go into with the intention of putting the moves on her and having it end in sex.

He does this not just because she's a hot girl -- though, of course he does think she's a hot girl -- he does it because he feels enough of a connection to her that, if she were to go out with him once, he could use that as a way to trick himself into thinking he's still worth other people's time -- even if for just a few hours. Again: he's really fucking lonely. No one person ever stays in his life long enough to form a meaningful relationship with him (platonic or otherwise), but if he can take a girl out to dinner -- hey, that's something, right?

And if he were to actually fuck her, he'd be able to lose himself in her wants and desires for long enough that he can forget how much he fucking hates himself. If he were to feel her hands on his body, he would actually feel wanted for a change. And if he were to make her come, he would feel needed -- and, if he were to make her come more than once, that would be even better. (Remember: Leon is "The Protector." He needs to be needed. He's probably the master of foreplay and will tease and touch and put his mouth on a partner for well over an hour before he actually fucks them.)

And, ever since being kidnapped by the CIA, the only way that Leon has ever been needed or wanted or useful in any way has been through physical means and the use of his body. That's why he defaults to sex as a coping mechanism before he gives up and just starts drinking. He might not have any value as a person, but as a physical body and an object -- well, that's a different story.

Leon objectifies himself, is what I'm saying.

With Claire, though, it's a little bit different.

Yes, it's ship bait -- but it's very mild ship bait, because the context for this one is way different.

Leon isn't being sincere with Claire when he says what he says. He knows that Claire didn't call him or meet up with him because she wants to go out with him or is looking for a booty call. He's not stupid (mostly).

Leon is being sarcastic and self-deprecating when he tells Claire that he was hoping she was going to want to get dinner with him. It's a sad joke to him, because, in his mind, the thought that Claire would be interested in him at all is actually ridiculous.

Because Claire knows him in ways that Shen May didn't. He can't charm his way into Claire's panties by pretending that he's something more than -- or that he's someone -- that he's not.

Claire doesn't need him -- Claire has never needed him, and Leon has absolutely no reason to believe she wants him, either.

What good is he to her, really, when she already knows the truth? She knows that Leon's only real use is as a weapon -- that he's not good for literally anything outside of an active bioterrorism situation. She knows that he fucks up everything he ever tries to do in his personal life. So, why would she want him? Why would she ever want him?

She doesn't. That's why she's about to disappear from his life again for maybe another six years. Maybe more. Because he's not worth being around.

At least, that's what his brain tells him.

It's a really self-defeating mindset that turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Him talking about getting dinner with Claire is a joke, and the punchline is his own opinion of himself.

#resident evil #leon kennedy #meta analysis #every time leon looks into a mirror he hates what he sees #and while he can wear a mask around strangers #he can't around claire #she sees exactly what he sees when he looks at himself #and his own self-loathing tells him that she must hate what she sees as much as he does #when honestly that's probably not the case

[samwpmarleau]

genuinely wanting someone who hated the james tartt sr. story to explain (not putting u on the spot, others feel free to weigh in!) — in what way is showing a character has chosen to go to rehab & smiling once = redeeming that character ?

i literally feel like people complaining about sr’s “redemption arc” are watching a different show than i am…. having qualms is valid but i don’t think redemption is what anyone was going for here.

Requisite disclaimer that this is just my opinion. Others may have their own.

Putting this under a cut because it's long.

I don't think he was redeemed — in my eyes, he's way beyond redemption — but I think the show clearly wants us to view him as such. Which is an issue because there's absolutely no foundation for it. The last we saw of James, he was humiliating his son in front of the entire team and, had it not been for Beard (whom James later tried to murder, let's not forget), would have assaulted him. Since then, while we hadn't seen James, we'd heard a story of him: Jamie tells us that when he was 14, James facilitated his rape via a prostitute in a foreign country, which traumatized Jamie so badly that he doesn't even remember the encounter.

To say nothing of the other things we've learned and seen:

Throwing a boot at Jamie's head

Laying into him for having the audacity to score merely the winning assist rather than the winning goal

Constantly calling Jamie soft if he didn't dominate, thereby forcing Jamie to put up walls to protect himself

Impregnating Georgie when she was 16 (let's really hope it was a short relationship because oh wait, the age of consent in England is 16 so if they were in a relationship any earlier, James would be a statutory rapist twice over)

Abandoning her and Jamie shortly after Jamie was born

Many many more things we're not privy to

James is a piece of shit, to put it mildly. That's what they told and showed us throughout the first 33 episodes of the show. The incident at Wembley, and James in general, hadn't so much as been mentioned since it happened, not even in the episode in which they played Man City, let alone hints that James suddenly had a come-to-jesus moment.

Then we get to 3x11, and Jamie is having an identity crisis and two near-panic attacks — one of which causes him to faint — because he's spent half his life doing what he did out of anger at his father and to prove himself, and he now has to face what happens when those motivators are no longer there.

He goes to his mother for comfort and advice, which she gives to him, and it's great advice! She tells him that he's an amazing person, that his worth isn't derived from his father, and that James isn't going to change so Jamie shouldn't be torturing himself with hope. All of that coincides with everything we'd seen up until then, and is headed for a sad but important message: sometimes people don't change. Sometimes people won't love you or give you their approval. Sometimes you do need to cut ties with someone, even if that someone is your parent. It's okay to not forgive them or come to a nice rosy conclusion with them, and that you can move on without doing so.

And what does the show do? It has Ted — Ted who is projecting like hell, Ted who thinks every parental situation is the same, Ted who has absolutely no business butting in on something like this, Ted who has already given Jamie shitty advice before — telling him to "just forgive him." Which not only sets Jamie up for falling right back into James's abusive cycle but completely obliterates what Jamie's mother said. Instead of her experience and relevance leading to good advice, the show tells us she was wrong and heartless, that Ted is the one to listen to. Additionally, it tells us that Jamie can't be his best self unless he forgives and reconnects with James.

(Ted also frames this as Jamie letting go of his anger. Which is a rather strange thing to be a lightbulb moment for Jamie, considering that wasn't his problem. He himself said earlier in the episode that he feels so lost because he doesn't have that anger — he has indifference. Jamie didn't need a releasing of anger or forgiveness for his dad, he just needed clarity and guidance.)

Then, it shows us James in rehab. To which I say: since fucking when??? What had we seen or heard from James that would ever indicate he'd go to rehab? Worse, it shows us James nearly crying with pride and love for Jamie (oh, can't forget Denbo and Bug either and their "His dad would've been proud" nonsense). Since fucking when??? James has NEVER shown pride or love for Jamie. Jamie has only ever been a source of clout for him. FFS, he gleefully cheered against him at Wembley!

To say nothing of the fact that James's alcoholism was a symptom, not the disease. Alcoholism doesn't make you the sort of person to do all of the horrific things James did. It may have made things worse, but it didn't cause him to do them and getting clean doesn't magically make him into a good person as the show implies.

All of which I still would've hated but could have probably accepted, were it not for the text. Fine, have Jamie forgive him (ugh). Fine, have James in rehab (maybe I'll pretend it was court-mandated).

But then they have Jamie — Jamie who doesn't even know James is in rehab, the last memory he has is of 2x08 — actually reconnect. They even show that he's deleted the quotes he used to have around James's name in his phone. Jamie says it's "been awhile," that he hopes he's okay, and smiles after sending it. The implication being that he and James will reconcile and perpetuate the bullshit that family is family no matter how abusive they are and you can't not keep ties. What the fuck. Jamie should not have to do that, and the SHOW certainly should not present that message.

It's harmful, repulsive, puts Jamie in harm's way, and I really fucking hate it.

#no i am never going to be okay with this #i cannot tell you how much i despise it #jamie tartt #james tartt #tl #tw child abuse #tw rape

[catgirl-kaiju]

i'm saying this as a trans man and someone who has watched this infighting that seems to be brewing for a long while so don't think i want to continue it further by dragging you in the mud of it all especially after seeing that you already get targeted by terfs i for one don't even follow genderkoolaid and have a lot of bad takes but i know that their good ones do circulate in my circles for things like databases for trans man hate crimes and what have you things that are invaluable to trans people to have as support in the community the baggage behind a lot of these words that get thrown around like "transandrophobia" just leave a bad taste in my mouth and i feel like if they will have any validity in academia and social justice all the theory will get ironed out in the next few years and so i just don't see any use defending THE WORD let alone THE SLUR THAT MANY USE but i think that it needs to be understood that the word """"transandrophobia"""" is not a organized school of thought with everyone attached to some discord group that has secret infighting targets and takes pot shots at trans women all i ever see is people using the word, talking about WHY THE SLUR IS A SLUR, and wanting to talk about problems trans men face without always having to use the word "misandry" because it is deeply upsetting that in so many ways we are born women, we live as women, and will never escape womanhood i feel like not being able to escape the things people perceive you as and the assumptions and fears (especially the fears people think are justified when they are very much not) are a universal trans experience and so it really hurts to just see people spot a basic word like "transandrophobia" being used in a post and deem an entire group of people bigots i see trans mascs and intersex people do the same for "tme/tma" where they just totally avoid anyone who uses these terms its tearing the community apart and making it harder to remember how much we have in common and bigots want us to be alone and defenseless like that... sorry that this was long winded, i'm sure you've heard all of this before i just felt i needed to vent because its really not about the blog its about the general way people navigate in fighting genderkoolaid is not someone i'm really willing to defend, let alone the other blogs that get tossed around that have been in heavy water so i hope i've made that clear here at the very least

hey i don't really follow what you're saying here. i'm not sure what slur the slur you're referring to is, and i'm very unclear what your point is abt transandrophobia. i'm also confused abt which intersex people u are referring to that don't like the terms tme/tma. i'm intersex and use those terms, and i've seen other intersex folks actually prefer those terms for discussions about transmisogyny because of how it shifts the focus away from very binary way that sex is talked about in the AGAB model.

this is, in general, confusing and makes me uncomfortable in ways i can't really articulate atm. i think chief among them is a kind of "but, what about me" vibe i'm getting from this at a time i am being more vocal than ever abt how transmisogyny affects me and other tma folks.

although i'm not sure what your stance on the term "transandrophobia" and the ideas behind it are, i can say that very much disapprove of it for reasons others have articulated so much better than i could. i think issues that uniquely affect trans masc folks are worth talking about, but i think the framing of conflating those issues with the way transmisogyny functions is just the wrong way to go about it. much like how "misandry" is not really a helpful way to talk abt the ways that cis men are affected by patriarchal systems, as those issues are not equivalent to the way misogyny functions. very telling that before the term "transandrophobia" was used, the same ideas were being described with the term "transmisandry"

#ask #anon

[thenexusofsouls]

Have you ever considered writing Quentin Beck? You write your muses so well and he wouldn't be the first antagonist you've written *points to Nuada*, besides the angst with Carter would be interesting. Like Quentin is one of those "diva" typa villains, he is so funny at times like why are u such a dramatic bitch. Ugh I hope he isn't rlly dead, he was a great villain. Hope your recovery is going well btw! ❤️

{i am the caretaker of souls} Going to answer this now even though I'm not back until next weekend because it mentioned surgery recovery... and because I can. XD My recovery is going well, thank you! I'm feeling much better than I did a week ago. Still not 100%, but getting better every day. I think given one more week I should be almost completely back to normal. =)

I haven't ever considered writing Quentin, no. Mostly because he's just not a character that speaks to me or that I know very well. He's interesting, don't get me wrong, but he's never gotten in my head and bugged me for weeks to write him like muses normally do, heh. Also, all I know of him is what was in the Spiderman movies, so... I don't have a lot to go on.

Also, I've read some of the asks and things from that verse where Carter dates Quentin (tagging @starcchild in on this in case she wants to weigh in at all), and I feel my portrayal might be biased because of that. What I mean is, I wouldn't necessarily have said he would have been abusive to Carter. Or maybe he would. But whatever opinion I would have formed on my own has already been made by that AU. Like in my head, he's abusive to her right out of the gate before I've even had a chance to develop my own interpretation of him. And whoever had been writing Quentin for those AUs, I don't want to steal from their interpretation, you know? It's just hard for me to be unbiased and create my own interpretation of him when I've already got that one in my mind.

I think he's got some obsessive personality traits, a bit of a short fuse, and his own personal setbacks have fueled an obsessive hatred of Tony Stark. I'm not sure whether Quentin would be classified as a psychopath, and some of the arrogant and narcissistic personality traits that psychopaths have are feeding into that? Like... he perceives Tony's lack of tact with regard to the intellectual property of others and Tony's lack of interest in him as a person to be targeted, deliberate, insulting, and unforgivable attacks against him, because how dare he, when really Tony's already moved onto the next stupid thing he said or did without putting that much thought into it. But that hyperfixation on the wrongs, slights, and injustices done to Quentin, the need to enact revenge to get justice for himself or to punish those who have wronged him in an I'll show you manner, and the willingness to put innocent people in danger due to a lack of empathy... are all traits of a psychopath, I think? I'm not a psychologist, but I do watch a lot of criminal psychology shows, lol. Also the need for attention, validation, and an audience is there, which I think is another psychopathic trait if I remember correctly.

Or, it could be that Quentin just has narcissistic personality disorder, which gives him an inflated ego and sense of self-worth. How could Tony not care about him? How could he steal from him? How could he toss him aside? In his mind he's so important that being ignored or shoved aside or treated like he personally doesn't matter is jarring enough to his sense of self that he has to go to extreme means to set the injustice right. He seems a bit immature, too, and that might feed into the me, myself, and I mentality of focusing so much on his own wants and needs and not on anyone else's.

With regard to Carter... The only way I could see Quentin even wanting to date her is to get back at Tony in yet another way. But I don't think he'd necessarily try to hurt her. At least not physically. Because his goal is to hurt Tony, not Carter. To hurt Tony, what's the worst thing he could do? Turn Carter against him. So I think Quentin would try to ingratiate himself to Carter and then gaslight her into believing her father is a terrible person in various ways. With, of course, the end goal in mind of her breaking off all contact with Tony of her own accord because she wants nothing more to do with him, which Quentin knows would mess Tony up pretty badly.

The question is... how seriously Quentin takes himself and how deluded he really is. Is it just that he's an arrogant asshole who wants to stick it to Tony for perceived injustices like stealing his research? In that case, I think he'd be even more insidious and manipulative to Carter because he knows Tony isn't as bad as he's making him out to be, it's just that he's angry and wanting to get revenge on him. So he'd know that he's lying to Carter and controlling the narrative surrounding her father to deliberately gaslight her.

Or... is it that Quentin is so delusional that he truly believes that, because Tony did these things to him, Tony is a terrible, dangerous, duplicitous human being? That means he's far more mentally impaired than knowing reality and choosing to manipulate it, because in this situation he's actually believing his own lies. In that case, if after he begins dating Carter he does develop any kind of feelings for her, he might actually believe he's protecting her from the terrible person that Tony is. He might believe that the gaslighting he's doing to her is just him honestly trying to help Carter by exposing her father for who he truly is. To open her eyes to the truth, as it were.

Personally, I don't think Quentin believes his own lies. I think he's just an immature, angry man who feels slighted by someone and holds grudges long and hard enough to never let it go. Whether that borders on psychopathic tendencies to want to obsessively plan and seek out the friends and family of someone you believed slighted you to enact your revenge or not, I'm not sure, but he definitely suffers from obsessive personality traits and an inflated ego. So I think he would know exactly what he's doing to Carter by lying to her about her dad, or inflating certain events to seem worse than they are, or generally trying to control her as far as what she thinks of Tony or when she sees him (depends on if it's a verse where Tony is alive or dead, I guess).

*shrugs* That's my two cents on Quentin and his relationship with Carter. He's never really been a muse for me, though. You're right, I don't mind writing villains. Nuada is definitely one, I would argue that Noah over on @tarnishedxknight can be considered one too. And I do write Ravenna from the same movies Eric and Freya are from, I've just never brought her to this site. It's more just that he's not a character that really spoke to me as far as me feeling compelled to write him.

#{ i am the caretaker of souls } ᵒᵒᶜ

[genderkoolaid]

hey it is super cool if u don't wanna answer this bc it's a lil explicit but. i am Struggling. i want to get phallo. very much so. but i can't imagine being satisfied with phallo unless i can ejaculate. and afaik that's not possible rn, and my bottom dysphoria is really bad, and i just. advice? i don't have any issues w current phallo results besides the ejaculation thing, and i'm seriously thinking abt just going tor it but i think having an orgasm with a penis and not being able to ejaculate will make *orgasming* dysphoria-inducing for me and. well. that's not ideal. esp after what T did to my sex drive.

I think it comes down to whether or not you feel that the benefits of getting phallo would outweigh the negatives. If that potential dysphoria from orgasming feels like it would be too much for the potential euphoria/relief to balance out, then it makes sense to not get it.

I have similar dysphoria and personally, I have found that working through internalized transandrophobia related to bottom surgery, and body positivity/neutrality in relation to penises in general, has helped me a lot in accepting the limitations of phallo and not fearing potential dysphoria (or potential non-ideal sensation) a lot. I don't want to tell you "just read some stuff and you will stop wanting a natal dick", but if you really want phallo and its just this stopping you, this could be useful to try.

First of all, keeping in mind that natal penises are extremely diverse in ability has been very helpful for me. There are natal penises that also cannot ejaculate; it in no way means that phallo penises are less than natal penises. It's just how some penises work. A lot of cis men deal with the same feelings that trans men getting phallo do. There's a lot of pressure put on people who want phallo for theirs to be perfect, otherwise its proof that phallo is bad and ugly and pointless and a mistake. So phallo penises looking "off" or not getting hard naturally or not ejaculating can feel even worse because of that internalized fear that phallo dicks will always be inferior and a mistake. But phallo doesn't need to be perfect; neither do natal dicks. Getting phallo should be about making yourself happy and fulfilled, not ticking the right boxes on How Penises Need To Work To Be Valid.

I accept that it's something I'll probably always want. But I also think about how happy it would make me, and how many other people with penises still live their lives and are happy and fulfilled while also having a penis that doesn't function perfectly. Its not some scary, ominous struggle, its just a thing a lot of people deal with, and a lot of people still find happiness with. If you can learn to accept that desire and that pain, there's a lot of people who still have a lot of good sex and are happy with their bodies despite not being able to ejaculate. I can imagine myself being one of them, and that idea feels better than my current reality. So I feel that, despite the limitations that are disappointing, its worth it for me. If some really cool advancements are made in my lifetime that I can get, that's awesome! And if not, I'll still be happy with what I'm able to get.

I don't know if this will help you, anon, but I wish you the best. I know it's genuinely hard deciding what's right for you, and it sucks that phalloplasty is still stigmatized and ignored. I hope that, whatever you end up doing with your body, you are happy.

#m. #ask box

[nahalism]

i was wondering, how did you get to develop your art? im currently in a process where i am trying to experiment and go beyond the need to create art that is realistic (as in "objectively like reality as it is", like I was being told by both school and family). i feel like I struggle a lot to follow my inspiration because of this, and I am also trying to learn how to draw scenes from my own ordinary life, but unfortunately I am quite impatient and frustrated with my inability to create what I wish to create + perfectionism in general makes me scared of using colour as well 😭 I really admire your art so much, both your sketches and finished pieces, and I have always wondered your own learning process throughout the years. please feel free to not reply if you feel uncomfortable cause I know it is a very personal process as well, and above all I hope you are doing well and I am sending you endless love <333

🥺🥺 this is so lovely to receive because if im completely honest there are multiple moments where i feel exactly as you've just described and despite pushing through it, a message like this is very validating that ive progressed in some way

i dont mind sharing at all. i started drawing/painting when i was 21/22 which is relatively late and i was so fearful because despite having a vision for what i wanted to create i lacked any skill that could help me bring what was in my minds eye to fruition. i was also insanely depressed and in the middle of getting my degree at uni (so felt like i had no time to pursue art, at least not to the extent i wanted to). — my plan to get better consisted of multiple things. id draw everyday. i had/have two styles i'd practice, one realism, and the other 'freestyle'? basically draw only from my head and from the rhythms that came naturally to my hand, no references. by doing that, or drawing the human figure/portraits/cars/buildings from my imagination, not only was i reinforcing what id actually learned from my study of the fundamentals, but i was learning to incorporate my own creativity into the rigid structure that sometimes comes from only drawing from reference. by doing that and drawing studies every day i began to build a library in my head of images/poses/character archetypes i could pull from which made drawing from my imagination easier, but also had the structural knowledge of forms/perspective/anatomy to make them look credible. id do this whenever i had free time, and once i left uni began practicing anywhere from 6-9 hours daily. a bit extreme but i felt like i had time to make up for since i started drawing relatively late in life. only tip there is to balance practice with making finished pieces. finished pieces will show you which fundamentals you still need to work on & how much progress you've made. they also show the completion of a thought whereas practice only gives you the tools to bring that thought to reality

just so u know, ur practice of the fundaments is not in vain. you just need to revive your own capacity to draw from your imagination/subconscious. the main thing is knowing your going to find your work horrible for a long time before it gets better. the joy has to come from the process of creating rather than the end product. by the time it gets better, your eye will also have improved, so you still wont be satisfied. thats where growth comes in. being your biggest critic is what will make you great, as long as you remember where you came from (date and keep your work so you can look back on it) and the role criticism plays. separate your skill from your self worth.

something helpful i was once told is along the lines of 'perfectionism is a lie we tell ourselves to justify our procrastination. no one is ever perfect, so the only way to gain skill is to practice. you cant grow if you dont begin. so if your really a perfectionist, your only solution is to start'

i would love to see your work someday and hope i will. wishing you luck and sending you all the courage to begin and be great. you got this <3

#ask

[rollercoasterwords]

the thing is. obviously we are all just playing pretend at the end of the day and there has always been interest in smaller side characters + rarepairs + the like, and obviously a large part of fanwork is fucking with canon and strict adherence to singular readings of the source material are just never going to happen. and yes obviously none of it is that serious and people should do whatever they want as long as they're having fun.

however. i do in fact think there is a very valid twofold critique to the haterism of anti-uwuification posting which is that:

1. quite a bit of it seems to be rooted in the impulse to remove moral impurity

like. this is particularly in regards to people taking character who were either morally gray or flat-out bad people in canon and stripping away any of the characteristics that made them Bad to rehabilitate them as Good People, so that it is Okay To Like Them. and i mean it is one thing to want to write a redemption arc, and it's one thing if ur just grabbing a name and turning that character into an oc and plugging them into ur story--because like, yeah, u can do whatever u want. but i do wonder how much of this rehabilitation is coming from this larger concerning impulse to act like characters have to be morally pure and perfect all the time. and i think it's worth reflecting just on a personal level what's driving u to rehabilitate a character. why don't you want to grapple with the ickier parts of their canon characteristics + actions? are you uncomfortable when other people read them as morally impure? if so, why?

2. breaking a character down into a series of specific labels seems to reflect a very odd view of identity

so this is like. i mean i feel like this tends to happen with very small side characters where people will go: here's my list of headcanons!! and then it'll be like. a list of labels -- gender, sexuality, ethnicity, star sign, mental illnesses, etc. which....the mental illness one is a whole other conversation that i'm not gonna get into atm but. to me the prevalence of this sort of "character-building" just makes me a little....wary, i guess. i've talked before about how i think this impulse to break identity down into specific neat labels is not healthy irl, but even beyond that it's just not very good character building! which--again, have fun, do ur thing, but if you genuinely are trying to create compelling characters for a fanfic then what matters isn't a list of identity labels, it's things like what drives the character, what flaws do they have, what relationships matter to them, their worldview--and the context of the story they exist in also matters and fundamentally shapes them, which is why unless you're creating an oc for a specific story a lot of these random side characters just leave a lot of people scratching their heads and asking "why would i ever care about this person?"

i do also think this tendency to just list identity labels for like. random characters can sometimes come off a bit trivializing. things like gender and sexuality and mental illness are not monolithic experiences, even for people who might use the same label; labels really only matter for the way they interact with the world around them and reflect someone's lived experience, which is why if your character exists outside the context of a story these labels oftentimes feel a bit meaningless and just....idk. especially the treating of mental illness as like a quirky personality trait just really rubs me the wrong way.

anyway! at the end of the day i don't think there's anything wrong with taking an interest in side characters and essentially developing them into your own ocs (clearly--look at what i've written lmao), but i do think it's worth reflecting on why you are interested in this character in the first place and i also think it's worth moving away from this sort of label-centered character building + the idea that characters need to be morally pure to like them if you want to actually develop interesting and well-rounded characters for your stories. i also think it's a bit silly when i see people acting as though there is any moral weight behind which characters you choose to focus on (i.e., talking about the girl side characters is Feminist), although that may need to be a different post bc this one is already very long lol

#ranting and raving #joining the war against uwuification i suppose #like again. i have MADE these side characters into ocs i have written #so much abt them #but i'm not gonna act like the people going 'why would i ever care' do not have very real and valid points #txt

[avatarmerida]

The Promotion- Part II

Second part of a twoshot (part one)  AU where everything is the same except Hunter and Willow are secretly dating and its fluffy and cheesey

                                                        -----

“Well well well,” chuckled Darius as Hunter practically floated through the door. “Rejection is typically fairly swift and you’ve been gone for awhile, I take it things went well?”

Usually much better at concealing his emotions, Hunter found himself unable to fight the smile that sought to make permanent residence on his face. 

“The mission was… a success,” said Hunter, knowing he’d have to be the one to readopt formality. “Thank you for your support in the endeavor.”

“Of course, little prince,” laughed Darius proudly. “Oh my, it’s like the end of an era, the Golden Guard is officially off the market. Listen, I can hear the hearts of lovesick teenagers breaking across the Isles as we speak.”

“Ha ha,” said Hunter sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Oh it’s not? Then I’m sure you’ll be indifferent if I bring it up during the coven meeting tomorrow-.”

“No!” exclaimed Hunter. “I mean, uh, I would… appreciate your discretion. It is a really big deal to me actually but typically before I do anything I have to ask for my uncle’s permission and I sort of skipped that step when I went to see Willow. Every time I’ve gone to see Willow actually.”

“I see,” said Darius, knowingly. “This girl has made quite the rebel out of you. Don’t worry little prince, your secret's safe with me. We can’t have a scandal, now can we?”

“A scandal?”

“I’m only teasing, don’t worry so much or you’ll give yourself wrinkles,” said Darius. “Or go worry to your girlfriend, that’s her problem now.”

“Hmph, maybe I will,” said Hunter smugly for reasons he did not fully understand as he marched up to his room. 

“I hope that girl knows what she’s gotten herself into,” said Darius to himself, shaking his head as he watched Hunter slump away. “I should send her a nice gift basket, as a bribe. Maybe offer her diplomatic immunity…”

———-

RULERZREACHF4N: I mAde it. Home. 

Hello_willow: yay! I’m glad 💚

A heart. This was huge. He needed to craft his next message carefully.

RULERZREACHF4N: miss u. AlreadY 

Was that the right thing to say? That was how he felt. He held his breath as he dared to type the next part. 

RULERZREACHF4N: 💛

He nearly threw his scroll across the room, startled by his own boldness, frightened of how she’d react even though she had been the first one to send the heart. 

Hello_willow: Same! Happy hour anniversary lol 

She was counting the hours just like he was. Good, then she wasn’t regretting her decision.. 

She then sent a picture of herself. He could tell she was sitting by the window, the setting sun gracing her face with a dim light. Her face was a rich Ed up into a genuine smile and her hand rested under her chin in an iconic way as Clover sat on her shoulder clearly joking the photo at the last second, the light formed a gentle glow down near her glasses making everything else in the photo blurry, not that he would’ve noticed anything else anyway.

He did feel more confident complimenting her. He still felt nervous, but it was less nervous than before. He had a sacred duty as her boyfriend to remind her of her talent and skill and worth. These were all things he had no issue validating before but now he could also publicly compliment her more… superficial qualities without feeling he was overstepping. 

He took a deep breath as he crafted his response.

RULERZREACHF4N: you look beautiful 

He had to pace himself to not type as fast as he thought, wanting this message to show up without any flaws so she knew he meant it and did not misunderstand. He hoped he wasn’t too forward. He felt nervous when she didn’t respond right away as she normally did. 

Miles away, Willow had dropped her scroll on her desk and she rushed to her bed to scream into a pillow at the fact that her boyfriend had called her beautiful and she simply had lost all abilities to function until she had properly screamed.

——-

Hunter found it so odd how everything had changed but also nothing had changed. He and Willow still messaged everyday, he still got the same twisty feeling in his stomach when she responded, and he was still awful at typing. The only thing that was really different was that he was pretty sure Willow knew about the twisty feeling. He wondered if she felt it too. 

Their new status did not dramatically change their routine, Hunter still snuck away every chance he could to visit her and they would just talk and hang out. Their meetings were secret before and they were secret now, but now the secrets were only around them and not between them.

The only other people who knew were Darius and Gus. Darius was a necessity, and had cover stories already prepared having secretly longed for the day Hunter would act like a normal teenager and seek out his wisdom of youth (and also to tease him mercilessly). Even if Gus hadn't been there when Hunter went to ask Willow, he would’ve figured it out sooner or later. Hunter was always messaging him, thinking he was subtle in the ways he’d ask about Willow, often asking Gus for help drafting messages to her or asking what the abbreviations and emojis she sent him meant

 But Gus noticed a new air around Willow. She had already begun showing more confidence but now there was something extra. She sighed more (in a good way), her laugh was lighter and now when Gus caught her daydreaming the flowers she absentmindedly summoned were more delicate and colorful. 

Willow knew Hunter had to keep their relationship a secret, he had to keep most of what he did outside the cattle a secret so she found no misunderstanding in him not wanting to announce it. Even without the weight of his status, it was still new and didn’t need any outside pressure interfering. Hunter was upfront about Belos’ view of romantic relationships, having only discussed the matter once accidentally when he asked about how his parents fell in love. His uncle made it clear that he viewed romance as a weakness, and Hunter never asked again. 

Willow would never view their relationship as a weakness, and she hoped Hunter understood that. She also knew how important order and routine were in coven life, and she knew that Hunter altered his order and routine every time he saw her. He was defying the most powerful witch in the Isles just to awkwardly hold her hand for a few minutes a day? It was anything but weak. 

“Do your dads know yet?” Gus asked one day as they walked to the marketplace not needing to clarify. 

“Not exactly? I’m pretty sure they suspect something though,” replied Willow. “But they probably wouldn’t  say anything unless my grades went down, but Hunter is walking textbook, my grades have actually improved. I think he writes extra credit essays for fun.”

“I’m surprised Hunter didn’t insist on meeting them and getting their blessing,” commented Gus. “Though, he got my blessing so I guess that’s good enough.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” said Willow. “But he did bring it up once, but I think whatever source he’s getting pointers from is a little outdated because he also asked how many of my rejected suitors he would need to beat in battle before he could  meet them.”

“Oh, sorry that might’ve been me,” admitted Gus. “I should’ve known he wouldn't realize I was joking.”

“Anyway,” said Willow, giving him a gentle shove. “I’m not hiding it from them, but I know that when they find out they’ll wanna meet his family and I don’t think that’s too good of an idea. I also don’t know if I’m technically allowed to date because a couple months ago when I got grounded, papa said I couldn’t date until I was 30 and I’m not sure if that was binding.”

“Wow, you guys are practically a celebrity couple and you’re keeping it under wraps?” Feasted Gus. “Tsk tsk tsk, what a shame I have such a hot scoop but am bound by friendship to take it to my grave.”

“We’ve only been going out for a week, Gus,” Willow rolled her eyes. “We’re not eloping.”

“Of course not, not until you reach a month right?” Said Gus with a smirk. “I call dibs on officiating.”

They laughed and then suddenly Willow felt her scroll buzz. She pulled it out and the smile it inspired let Gus know exactly who the message was from.

“Is that his proposal?” Said Gus with a raise of his eyebrows. “What does it say? Or is it too sappy to share?”

“‘Turn around?’” Willow read confused. She looked around and saw no indication and anything meant to grab her attention. 

“Uh, Willow, over there,” whispered Gus, giving her a gentle nudge as he pointed to a tree behind them. Hiding behind it was Hunter in his Golden Guard outfit, only half concealing himself as though he was unable to decide if he wanted to be seen or not. 

“Oh my Titan he’s so cute,” Willow whispered under her breath. She waved him over and he took that as his cue to walk over to them, concealing something behind his back. Before she could say anything else, he pulled out a tiny red box from behind his back and practically shoved it in her face. “Oh, is this for me?”

He nodded, silent, beet red beneath the mask. Willow carefully removed the lid of the box and looked inside to find a set of gold earrings.

“Oh wow,” said Willow as they caught the light and gleamed. This was the exact reaction Hunter was hoping for. 

“Do you like them?”

“Oh, I love them,” she gasped, putting them on immediately. 

“I saw you looking at them last week and I thought they would match your glasses.”

“Sure, her glasses, that’s what they match.” Gus said slyly. 

“And I got something for you too Gus,” said Hunter digging into his pockets. 

“You got me something?”

“Yes,” he replied as he struggled to find it. “It’s not as nice as the earrings though. I can get you a pair if you want but I didn’t know if you-.”

“Well I’ll never say no to a present,” said Gus trying to downplay his excitement. “But if it’s flowers, I may have to politely decline.”

“No, it’s something we confiscated from the Owl Lady,” said Hunter. “Or Lilith did and then when she tried to return she didn’t want it back and Lilith didn’t want it and so she threw it at me when I asked her a question but she didn’t throw it hard or anything so it’s okay but it’s something from the human realm-.”

“What? Oh! Gimme gimme gimme!” Said Gus excitedly, extending his hands. When Hunter managed to free the item, he victoriously handed it over and Gus marveled at its beauty. 

“Woah! What is it?”

“I think it's a bar of blue human candy,” said Hunter. “Though, I’ve never had candy from this realm so I don’t know how it compares. Apparently it’s deep sea flavor? Doesn’t sound very appealing but it smells nice.”

“Oh, wow!” Said Gus holding the ‘candy’ up to the light. “This is amazing! I’ll cherish it always! Willow, your boyfriend is good with me! I gotta show this to Luz!”

“How do they look?” Willow asked, showing off her new accessory.

“Perfect,” said Hunter, extending his arm to her . “Just like you.”

“Aw!” Said Willow, taking his arm and placing hers around his bicep and leaning her head on his shoulder. They were far enough away from anyone where they could walk like this and not be caught. They walked a little slower, just to prolong it. “You didn’t have to get me anything ya know.”

“It’s our one month anniversary,” Hunter stated. “Well, technically an anniversary refers to a yearly event so  this would be our mensiversary though it’s not as commonly used.”

“A month?” Said Willow, skeptical. “It’s only been a week.”

“Oh, yeah well a week since we’ve been dating but a month since we’ve met,” said Hunter. “Which is an important date to me. So I wanted to get you something. And I met Gus on the same day so I got you both something. Is that okay?”

“Hunter, it’s more than okay, it's really sweet,” said Willow. “But I didn’t get you anything!”

“You gave me a chance,” he said casually as though that wasn’t the most romantic thing Willow had ever heard in her life. 

Willow looked up at him breathlessly with wide eyes and he looked straight ahead. She couldn’t read his expression beneath the mask but she felt she knew what he was feeling as when he said this, he pulled her a little closer to him. She had a feeling his eyes darted to the side and he was looking back at her as neither of them noticed they had reached the market until they heard someone calling out they were having a sale.

Hunter removed himself from Willow’s hold (much to his dismay and took a large step to the side. Willow took no offense to this as it had become their routine.

“Well, here we are citizen,” said Hunter in his official Golden Guard tone. “I have successfully and safely escorted you to your destination, as I would do for anyone as is my job as Golden Guard.”

“Thank you for your service,” she said, mimicking his tone. “May I hire your services to escort me home as well?”

“I think that can be arranged,” he said. “Please let me know if there’s anything else you require.”

“There is one more thing,” said Willow before he could walk away, she quickly looked around to ensure no one was paying them any special attention. “If you see my boyfriend, can you tell him ‘thank you’ for the sweet gift?”

“I don’t typically pass on messages but I’ll see what I can do, citizen,” said the Golden Guard, standing as tall as he could. He also looked around to ensure no one was looking at them before adding in a playful whisper. “You're welcome. I’ll see you later!

He forced himself to briskly walk away, confident he had left the interaction on a positive note. He knew it wasn’t competition, there was no way it could be, but he felt as though he was winning at being a boyfriend. Every time she smiled at him, said his name, or just allowed him to be near her, he felt a strong feeling that he could only compare to the feeling of victory. 

------

Hunter had always had a remarkable memory. Before it would be full of rules and regulations that made the other covens heads roll their eyes and call him a know it all, but now he felt he could finally put it to good use. He filled it with things about Willow; the things she liked, the things she disliked, the facts and theories she would share with him that he delighted in being able to repeat later and impress her. He could recall all their firsts; their first time getting eye scream together, their first time messaging until 2am, their first time playing a game of flyer derby just the two of them after everyone else had gone home. 

Their first fight.

He had gone on a mission in the mountains and had forgotten to message Willow to let her know, seemingly vanishing without a trace. When he came back, he immediately went to Hexside figuring he’d gotten back just in time to walk Willow home. He waited in her usual spot but she never came, which was odd because he knew there wasn’t fly derby practice today. Had something happened at school?

He took to the path she frequented to make sure and found her walking by herself. He transported beside her, certain she’d be happy to see him but she did not stop to greet him or even acknowledge him.

“Captain, hi!” he said, in case she had been daydreaming and hadn’t noticed him. But still she kept walking. “Captain? Hello?”

 She held her books tighter to her chest and walked faster. It was apparent she knew he was there, but was ignoring him.

“Willow? Is something wrong?” asked Hunter, concerned. “I-I really missed you, I thought-.”

“Oh, did you?” she said, not stopping her pace. “You missed me? Is that why you were ignoring me?”

“What? Ignoring you? No! No, I was on a mission.”

“Oh, was it a surprise mission?”

“Um, not really? I knew about it last week so I-.”

“So why did you just leave? Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna be gone?”

“I’ve gone on missions before, I didn’t think it was worth mentioning.”

“It is when you just disappear!” Willow exclaimed, stopping and turning on her heel to face him. “Hunter, what if…. I thought that you…. I was worried about you!”

“Worried? Why?”

“Because you’re always telling me about all the dangerous stuff you do and I know you’re strong and smart and you’re used to it but you always tell me about it and so I know you’re okay. Then nothing! Y-You didn’t tell me you’d be gone so what was I supposed to think?”

“You were worried about me?” He repeated. “Captain, I’m sorry. That’s literally the last thing I ever wanted! I promise you don’t need to worry about me.”

“I worry about you because I care about you,” said Willow, calming herself. “That’s when it happens when you date someone. You don’t need to message me every single day but when you go from sending frequent updates to nothing all of a sudden, it makes me think something is wrong. I sent you like a hundred messages and you never responded.”

He didn’t realize he had forgotten his scroll entirely, his heart breaking at the idea of coming home to messages of her worrying about him.

“I understand,” he said solemnly, dropping his head .”I’m sorry for letting you down. I failed to fulfill my duties as the boyfriend you deserve. You deserve better, I understand your need for a replacement.”

His shoulders sunk as he walked away, his breathing shaking as he felt like he was choking on his own thoughts. Before the tears could come he found himself on the ground, something wrapping around his ankles and dragging him away. He knew he had been captured by Willow’s vines and when he looked up he saw her standing over him with her eyebrows raised. She removed his golden mask so he could see her better.

“Hunter, I’m not breaking up with you.”  she said sternly. 

“Y-you’re not?” He asked, genuinely surprised. “You should.”

“Why?” She chuckled. “Cause you didn’t message me back?”

“But you were… upset with me,” he said, confused as she loosened the vines grip on her ankles. “I let you down. I failed you.”

“You didn’t fail me,” she said, helping him up to his feet. She fiddled with his mask as though speaking with it as well. “Just… communicate. If you’re gonna be busy, just let me know you’re safe.”

“Deal, of course, absolutely,” said Hunter breathlessly, taking her hands in his. “Thank you for letting me say your boyfriend.”

“Well, it’ll take more than that to get rid of me,” teased Willow. “I’m not gonna break up with you over one fight.”

“Was this a bad fight?”

“Oh no, not even close,” she laughed. “When we really fight, you’ll know it.”

“How?”

“The vines will have thorns.”

----

And there were also other more… positive firsts. 

On the rare instance Hunter was able to sneak away during lunchtime, he and Willow had a secret spot picked up where they could be alone and not draw any attention. Hunter would dawn a Hexide uniform and they’d meet in the tree just outside the flyer derby field, on a branch sturdy enough to support them and high enough where they had privacy. Among the leaves they would  talk about their day and share the lunch Willow’s dads had packed her (they had been packing her extra lately for some reason, it was almost as though they suspected something).

The pair watched Flapjack and Clover play in the branches, flying around each other playing hide and seek. Flapjack circled a collection of leaves, chirping as he avoided being caught by Clover, flying unto Hunter’s shoulder before leaping onto the top of Willow’s head, nesting happily in her hair. . 

“Oh hey buddy,” Willow greeted the palisman with a laugh, reaching up to pet him. 

“Flapjack! Get out of there!” Hunter ordered, reaching to remove the bird who only burrowed deeper much to his horror. 

“He’s fine, Hunter,” Willow continued to laugh. “I always have seeds in my hair from gardening, he probably found some for his lunch.”

“Even so, he knows better,” said Hunter sternly. “I apologize for his behavior.”

“Sure you’re not just jealous?” she teased before looking back to Hunter who had gotten much closer to her in his attempt to remove Flapjack. Very close. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Hunter breathed leaning back slightly, trying to hide how flustered the closeness made him.

“You just did,” she said, playfully bopping his nose. He smiled endearingly at her, her joking manner always finding a way to ease his nerves. 

“So we’ve been dating awhile,” the word still tickled his throat when he said it. “And it’s been… really great. And I was reading something, for totally normal reasons, that said that people who are dating have certain… milestones in their relationship.”

“Okay?”

“And there’s one that stood out to me,” he said, clearing his throat. “Particularly. But I wouldn’t want to proceed unless you’re comfortable with it too.”

“I see,” said Willow, twirling her braid. “I have a feeling I know which one you’re talking about.”

“You do?”

She nodded. 

“You don’t think it’s too forward or too soon?” He asked, becoming more flustered by the second. She shook her head and scooted closer to him, placing her hand on his. No matter how many times she did it, it sent a chill up his spine every single time. 

He tried to find the rest of the words he had prepared but they disappeared as she shifted even closer to him. She closed her eyes and tilted her head up to him and gently pressed her lips against his. Surprised but delighted, Hunter closed his eyes as he tried to process what was happening. He thought he might float off the branch and so one hand held onto their branch as Willow secured the other one. 

Willow pulled away and looked up at him with a gentle smile. Hunter looked back at her with wide, astonished eyes 

“What… was that?”

“That… that was what you were talking about right?”

“I was… actually going to ask…if I could give you a pet name,” said Hunter, almost forgetting how to speak and breathe at the same time.

“What?”

“Yeah… but that was much better,” he said with a wide goofy grin, speaking as though he was in a trance. 

“You… thought the next step was giving me a pet name?” Willow processed. “So… how many steps did I just skip?”

“I haven’t even gotten this far in any of the books I have,” said Hunter, still dreamily. “But that’s totally fine. I mean I’m a pretty fast reader so I don’t mind.”

“Oh,” said Willow quietly, embarrassed for only a moment when she saw her misunderstanding was more than welcomed. “So… what names did you wanna use?”

“Oh! I composed a list,” said Hunter, managing to snap himself out of the spell as he reached into his pocket to proudly present it to her. “I cross referenced terms of endearment with aspects of nature that remind me of you to find the perfect one.” 

Willow took the list from him and Hunter looked over her shoulder as she glanced at the carefully handcrafted list. Willow loved how excited Hunter was to share this with her. His face lit up as he explained the reasoning behind each one and while she loved that he had gone through all this work for her, she couldn’t seem to focus on it because with him sitting so close to her all she could do was think about kissing him again. 

“...and ‘honey’ I thought was clever because Clover is your Palisman and it’s bee themed and you're sweet but I personally haven’t had it so I don’t know if that lessons the effect,” went on Hunter. “Then sweet pea-.”

“Hunter, this is really cute, but to be honest, I like that you call me ‘Captain,” said Willow.

“But that’s your title, not a term of endearment,” insisted Hunter, having worked very hard on his list. 

“Well, I think it’s pretty endearing when you say it,” said Willow with a shrug. “I can always use this list to find a nickname for you.”

He blushed wildly at the idea of Willow calling him “sweet pea.” All the nicknames he had even been given came from a place of irony or annoyance, sincerity. 

“I don’t know if the list would work for me,” he admitted shyly. “I don’t think I’m-.”

“What about sunflower or daffodil,” started Willow, coming up with a list of her own. “Buttercup, marigold, they're golden flowers that remind me of your hair.” She laughed as she gently twirled his loose strand of hair. 

The fact that she attributed the gold to his hair and not his mask made his heart want to leap out of his chest. Willow continued to twirl his strand of hair as she effortlessly rattled off types of plants as Hunter could just look at her fondly. He was amazed at how she just kept going, her mind a never ending encyclopedia. How could she know so much and be so wonderful and still choose to be here and be with him? She looked so natural here, the green leaves surrounding her like she was a picture in a frame and suddenly he was overcome with the thought of kissing her again. 

He found himself moving closer but he didn’t have the nerve to close the distance himself this time. Willow noticed and suddenly the plants came to her mind slower, her focus turning elsewhere. Their eyes met, knowing they were sharing the same thought of wanting to repeat their most recent milestone.

Flapjack reached out from atop Willow’s head to grab his rogue piece of hair to pull him forward knowing he wouldn’t move on his own accord and brought him back to Willow. This time their lips met a tad more clumsily but more familiar and it was Willow who was surprised this time. She instinctively leaned forward and brought her hand to his cheek, as if to let him know she was grateful for Flapjack’s assistance who then hopped back down beside Clover, mission accomplished. Hunter closed his eyes, feeling her lips form a smile and  daried to follow Willow's lead and place a hand on the side of her face as well, nearly knocking her glasses off but she didn’t seem to mind.

While the first kiss was quick and somewhat unsure, this one had a sense of confidence and lasted longer. Granted, ten seconds longer but it felt like lifetimes. Like the outside world did not exist, which is probably why they didn’t hear Gus calling up to them at first.

“Hello! Willow? Do you not hear the bell?” said the illusion he sent upo in his place, causing them to break apart, their faces sporting matching blushes. 

“Sorry Gus,” she called down, waving her hand to remove his illusion, not sure how much he could see from where he stood. “I’ll be right down, okay?”

“I should probably get going too,” said Hunter, rubbing the back of his neck, not sure where he was supposed to look, feeling a dizziness he didn’t want to end. “But um…was that okay? If I had known that we were… I mean, I’m glad… but usually I’m more prepared so if it wasn’t-.”

“It was,” she said sweetly, leaning forward to place another quick kiss on his cheek as Clover flew over to her and took her staff form. “See you after school?”

All Hunter could do was nod, he hoped that eventually he would stop forgetting how to speak and breath at the same time when this happened, because he wanted it to happen often. He watched Willow fly gracefully down to Gus, her face glowing as she carried the same feeling and allowed it to ease her flight. 

“Tsk tsk tsk,” said Gus, shaking his head as he and Willow began walking. “I can’t believe all the rumors are true: Willow and Hunter sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g.”

#huntlow #toh #winter toh #the owl house #willow park #hunter wittebane

[bookishfeylin]

Hi have u seen sjm's interview about tamlin being abusive (*cough* but she still thirsting for rhysand) i honestly feel scared because some stans might bully other people who likes tamlin :"(((..

Hi anon!

I did not watch the interview, but I've seen a few recaps. And I mean. I've acknowledged all across my fics that Tamlin was abusive, and I don't know why Feysand shippers seem to think it's a big deal. We all KNOW. That's why my shipping efforts focus on ACOTAR itself or alternate timelines where ACOMAF didn't happen.

But yeah, even though I'm not a Tamlin stan I hope Feysand shippers don't start bullying people for stanning him. The big problem I and a lot of others have with Sarah's writing is the pure hypocrisy. If Tamlin in ACOMAF is abusive (and he is) then so is Rhysand! Let's recap, shall we?

Tamlin bites Feyre on the neck on Calanmai.

Meanwhile, Rhysand spent months groping Feyre and having her lap dance on him in revealing clothing. (it's also worth noting that lap dances are a form of sex work...)

Tamlin accidentally loses control of his magic when upset with Feyre-physical abuse. (Though as a victim of physical abuse myself, I have real ISSUES with how this is written as accidental, which kind of defeats the point of physical abuse but alas)

Meanwhile, Rhysand purposely twists a bone in Feyre arm, torturing her into doing what he wants. (Additionally, Feyre also loses control of her emotions in an emotionally charged moment at the High Lord's meeting when Beron is (rightfully) questioning Rhysand, burning him and ***accidentally*** burning Lady Vanserra. The fandom really needs to decide if magical outbursts when upset, accidentally hurting others nearby, are always abusive or if it's only abusive when Tamlin does it)

Tamlin keeps the truth from Feyre about the full extent of her powers and about the level of danger she's in from Hybern.

Meanwhile, Rhysand keeps the truth from Feyre about their mating bond, and clearly doesn't learn a lesson because he takes it a step further an hides information about HER BODY and HER PREGNANCY, so she nearly DIES IN CHILDBIRTH.

Tamlin locked Feyre in the manor, giving her a panic attack and emotional meltdown.

Meanwhile, Rhysand locked away his "family" for 50 years, doing goodness knows what to their psyche.

Tamlin and Rhysand are the same! They're both abusive!!! One of them is just validated and excused by the narrative, whilst the other is not and is held accountable for his toxicity (and is punished and ultimately has growth in ACOWAR, when he tells Feyre to "be happy" and leaves). Feysand shippers/Rhysand stans bullying Tamlin stans for stanning an "abusive" character is the pot calling the kettle black. No one should be harassed or bullied AT ALL, but if this type of bullying does occur it'll be arguably the most hypocritical nonsense I've ever seen.

#Feylin #anti rhysand #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #Tamlin critical #Tamlin #anon #ask #Tamlin's abuse #Rhysand's abuse

[violentviolette]

Honestly have no idea if this is a narc crash or bpd splitting episode, but when someone implies I'm not good enough or accidentally rejects me. Or doesn't fit my expectations or standards or whatever, I often just get so enraged and disappointed in myself. Then I get upset with them. I feel like, I should be getting what I want and what I need. I need them to see me for who I am, and adore me and respect me and see my worth. But when I just... struggle with my own self-esteem, I just... feel so awful. I just dissociate, I lose my appetite, I get angry easily, and my brain won't shut up about how this person rejected ME. How they don't like ME. That I'm *flawed*. That I'm worthless. I might get paranoid that they're talking about me behind my back, using info against me, or they may abandon me. I begin to start thinking I'm superior to them in every way, shape, or form. I split on them at one point, obvi. But, I just... I end up going back to unhealthy behaviours (being dysfunctional, not taking care of myself, being too hard on myself, trying to be too perfect all the time, etc.) as a way to cope with these feelings of worthlessness. I just... get extra "I'm envious and jealous of you" feelings, and constantly compare myself with others on small levels like how well they can brush their teeth or how much sleep deprivation can they truly handle? Or how good their imagination is?? Idk. I just... I get so incredibly lonely, frustrated, and push everyone away during these times. I just want nobody around me, but also need someone to validate me and my existence. Bc it's so hard to validate myself, all alone. Idk. What the hell is this experience? And what do I call it?

at it's core, that's a spiral. it sounds very much like a narc crash, but i also dont know much about how bpd splits feel and so i cant comment on how close it is to those, but thats very much how those spirals used to happen for me it's essentially a distress meltdown. so something upsetting happens, but because we never learned how to properly manage and handle distress, there's no framework to catch ourselves and validate ourselves, so we spiral down an abusive self hating rabbit hole. in an effort to claw our way out we attempt the maladaptive coping strategy of devaluing everything around us and everyone that hurt us because we dont know how to build ourselves up, only tear others down. but that doesnt actually work or give us real substantial comfort and so we just continue to wallow in lonely self hating misery and default to another maladaptive coping mechanism which is to purposefully reject the thing we need/want in order to further punish ourselves so if we want validation and connection, we self isolate and reject ppl and push them away. we unconsciously continue to punish and abuse ourselves because we learned during development that when we are rejected its because we fucked up, and if we fucked up we need and deserve to be punished, and so we unconsciously punish ourselves in place of our previous abusers but then our child-brain kicks in and tries to defend us from that punishment by again, devaluing and attacking everyone around us. because we also learned during our abuse that if someone hurts u, then u hurt them back to teach them a lesson. but none of these are real or healthy solutions so they dont make anything better, just worse dbt has a lot of good coping strategies and mechanisms to stop those disordered patterns and redirect behavior towards more healthy and sustainable coping mechanisms and distress tolerance. i'd definitly start there using some of those keywords to search for more reading on it. it's a slow process and it takes a lot of steps and it doesnt feel like its working at first, but if u force urself to practice those techniques over and over eventually they very much do click and u realize ur not hitting those spirals anymore and are able to stop them early on so u dont fall the whole way down

#jack.speaks #anon #npd #actually narcissistic #npd tag #cluster b #cluster b pd #narc crash #dbt