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creature-phases · 3 days

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Backslide Analysis

I want to preface this analysis by saying that Backslide is about two things, one more so than the other. Surface level it is about Tyler being afraid of his career with Twenty One Pilots failing.

On a deeper level, it is about the cycle of depression. Here’s the fun thing about clinical depression, it does not go away. Sure you can heal, get better, and learn how to manage it so it isn’t so overwhelming, but it never truly disappears. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that when you have depression there is a fear that you will slip back into your worst moments.

This is something I think Josh captures well with the music video. When he posted it to his Instagram he put the caption “This song is really meaningful to me.” If I had to guess I’d say Tyler probably laid out the album and let Josh pick whatever track he wanted. Probably with the exception of Next Semester since Tyler knew what he wanted to do with that one.

I’d wager that this is either Josh’s favorite song on the album or the one that spoke to him the most or likely both.

One last thing. Twenty One Pilots has always been a way for me to deal with my own mental health issues. When I pick apart their lyrics it is with heavy bias towards myself. There is a overlay of “if I wrote this this is what I would have meant”.

Anyway onto the analysis

[Intro]

I don't wanna

[Verse 1]

“Rat race, place to place, adding weight/Tendencies on repeat, innit”

This plays into the cycle of everyday life especially with depression. How it feels like you are just going with the motions and how that begins to weigh on you. This sort of monotony causes you to fall back into old habits, or maybe the fact that you are just going through the motions is the bad habit.

“Benefit from a shoe with no lace”

I’m not confident in what I think this line is saying. My interpretation of this line literally is that having shoes with no laces means there is one less thing you need to do, one less thing to think about, which can be a benefit or a detriment. A less literal interpretation is this line being more sarcastic and it being more like saying he feels like a shoe with no lace. That part of him is missing or that something is wrong. There isn’t a benefit.

“Take the seat with the crease in it”

This goes back into the discussion of cycles and going through the motions. The seat having a crease implies that he sits in that seat a lot. It’s part of the routine. This connects directly the line “Tendencies on repeat, innit”. In both its rhyme and its meaning.

“I don't mind if it's lonely, I don't mind if it's fair/I don't care, you control me, leading me anywhere”

To me, this reads as denial. He does care, a lot actually, but he’s trying not to, or he’s trying to convince his dark thoughts (Blurryface) that he doesn’t care. When you let depression and anxiety control you you try to convince yourself that you’re okay with that. That nothing is wrong.

“I don't wanna backslide to where I've started from/There's no chance I will shake this again”

When I first heard the “I don’t want to backslide” part I thought he meant his career, but the second half of this pre-chorus takes me away from that thought completely. I am of the firm belief this is saying “I am terrified of relapsing because I don’t know if I have the strength to get better again.”

The definition of “backslide” according to Merriam-Webster (yes I’m pulling out all the stops) is to “lapse morally or in the practice of religion” or “to revert to a worse condition”. I’m ignoring the religion aspect because I personally do not view TOP through a religious lens. I think the fact that this is the specific word choice means this song is very much focused on backsliding in mental health.

“'Cause I feel the pull, water's over my head”

If you listen to Twenty One Pilots you know that Tyler Joseph loves his water references. People have already connected this to the pre-chorus of Fall Away which I do agree with. This song and this album in general seems to be a love letter to everything that came before it.

Have you ever been caught in a rough wave? Because it is not fun and it can actually be terrifying. This line is about Tyler feeling the tug of old dark thoughts pulling him under the water. People will often describe depression as the feeling of drowning because it is a very apt description.

“Strength enough for one more time/reach my hand above the tide”

Struggling with mental health is exhausting and there are plenty of times where you have the thought “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” You don’t think you have the strength to keep reaching out for anything to grab onto.

“I'll take anything you have/If you could throw me a line/I should've loved you better”

I’m of the firm belief that a big part of this song is Tyler talking to his younger self and Blurryface. I know I’ve seen people say “Oh, ‘you’ is god obviously” which it very well could be, but that just isn’t the case for me.

I relate this to the feeling that my depression is kind of in cahoots with my younger self. I picture it as being willing to take any beating just so you can get out of this one hole. Obviously, no one is at fault for their depression and how that takes away their childhood, but it often feels that way. Like you are personally responsible and your younger self resents you for it.

I think a lot of people hate their younger self. You hear it often people saying “I was so weird back then” or anything like that. But those thoughts just make it all worse. I think in order to heal you need to realize that you often need to love who you were.

I also come at this from the perspective of a trans person. So part of that self hatred comes from that. Hating the fact you didn’t get to grow up as who you actually are. But once again, that isn’t your younger self’s fault. It isn’t your fault either.

“Do you think that now's the time/you should let go?”

This is the response to the previous lines by those dark thoughts. Give up, let the wave drag you down. Aren’t tired, just accept it. Which is then followed by

“It's over my head”

Which implies that Tyler listened.

[Verse 2]

“Bad place, on a hundred-dollar bass/kinda wishin' that I never did "Saturday"

I view this line as being about No Phun Intended. If you’ve listened to that album you know just how dark of a place someone has to be in to write that kind of stuff and sing it the way Tyler did. Also considering that Tyler was a high school student it wouldn’t surprise me if he had a super cheap bass. If not about No Phun Intended then I would say it would be about the Self-Titled album or Regional At Best for very similar reasons.

This connects directly to the idea of not wanting to Backslide. That fear of falling back into your worst moments. Not wanting to be in the headspace he was in when he wrote those songs.

This is then somewhat contradicted by him saying that he sort of wishes he didn’t put out “Saturday”. One thing I will say is I always appreciate Tyler’s sincerity when it comes to regret and anxiety. This is most blantant on Blurryface which makes a lot of sense. Considering this song is sort of the return of Blurryface it is even more appropriate. I’m not a huge fan of Saturday. Not because its “different” to what they usually put out, but I just don’t vibe with the music. It has some great lines but it does admittedly feel too produced.

I think part of this line is showing that the backlash from Scaled and Icy, which is best represented by Saturday, got to Tyler. He is only human. He has been very upfront in saying that he does, in fact, care what people think. This line is actually perfect at encapsulating his anxieties combined with his desire to not go back to a dark place.

Maybe he also feels like he wasn’t true to himself in that song, or that the response to Saturday is part of what caused his fear of backsliding.

“‘Is that a stain? You should change/Are you doin' good?/Did you solve all of your problems?’”

I’m very much of the opinion that the boy at the lemonade stand is meant to represent a younger version of Tyler. I often picture how my younger self would react to me now. I know one of the main questions young me would have would be “did we get better?” Then there is an even younger version of me that has no idea what he’s in for. He would represent “Is that a stain/you should change”. This is obviously referring to the back paint Tyler uses that represents his depression and anxiety. That younger version of him doesn’t know what is in store, so the paint is seen innocently as a stain.

“Thanks for asking, in a way, but/accidentally uncovered a new one yesterday”

Tyler has talked in the past about the cycle of getting better and then falling back. This line most directly connects to what I was talking about in my intro about the fact that depression never really goes away. Life goes on and new problems arise.

“What happened to what I brushed under the rug?”

This alludes to the fact that Tyler never truly solved some of his problems. Instead he just brushed them under the rug, but it didn’t stay under the rug,

“I used to be the champion of a world you can't see/now I'm drowning in logistics”

I’ve seen this connected to both Bandito and Forest as both have a bridge that focuses on Tyler being in control of a world and the destruction of said world. When you have depression you tend to be in your head a lot, and when you are a creative like Tyler, you are in it even more so. I heavily relate to creating worlds inside your head to feel a sense of control. There are ways I could relate this to the lore ™ but I’m not going to for consistency's sake.

The part about drowning in logistics. Creating a world as in-depth and with as many moving part as Tyler did is exhausting. Creating can be exhausting. You can get to a point where you over think it. It all ties back to the fact that Tyler could destroy this world.

“I don't mind if it's lonely (It's over my head)/I don't mind if it's fair (You should let go)/I don't care, you control me (It's over my head)/Leading me anywhere”

The earlier denial is being challenged and their is this sense of giving up.

“I don't wanna backslide”

The outro cycles back into the beginning with the “I don’t wanna-”. The fact that it is also lower and not as audible reflects the defeated nature of the song.

#twenty one pilots #gonna do the music video too #I have so many thoughts about this song

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eddiemunsonswhxre · 3 months

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where have i been?

an update for those curious.

hey there my loves, long time no see.

i’m not sure how many of you will actually read this or care to see why i haven’t written in over a year now but typing this stuff out helps me process and get back into my groove.

well, today is january 16, 2024. the last thing i posted that was an actual one shot was posted on january 3, 2023. i haven’t written since. 2023 was my worst year yet and caused me to learn a lot about people and myself.

things were going alright in the beginning, i was in my second semester of college and my biggest problem was 2 of my 3 roommates (lived in a quad) hated each other so me and my bestie/3rd roommate had to play mediator and it was exhausting. i started liking a guy and got my hopes up. and i started to get more and more annoyed with school and my living situation every day. i was ecstatic to move out of that room despite hating my hometown. the day of move out, one of my roommates who i thought was someone very close to me blocked me and all of our friends on everything with no explanation but we knew she wasn’t coming back for 23-24.

i like where i grew up for a maximum of a week at a time, after that my depression just kicks my ass and im not having a great time. my plan for the summer was to work my ass off so much so that i wouldn’t have time to think of anything else. that backfired, because a few days after i came home one of my two jobs fell through unexpectedly and my other job was giving me less than half the hours they promised me. i was broke. everyone says it’s so easy to get a job these days because everyone is hiring but i applied to over ten places within a reasonable distance from me and didn’t get a single one. so i spent too much time with myself and that’s not normally a good thing.

to make matters even worse, in june my mom was sentenced to three years in prison for a crime she committed back in 2020. i don’t want to get into too many specifics, but my mom would never harm anyone she just has struggled with addiction. my mom was my constant emotional support, and knowing she was no longer going to be around ripped me to shreds. not even a month later after my mom was shipped off to prison, my dog died. and i know you might think “dogs die all the time it’s a pet.” but my dog was much more than that. she wasn’t even three years old and was a beautiful great pyrenees german shepard mix and she was the sweetest girl ever. i don’t care how ridiculous it sounds, because i know my soul and hers were meant to be together. i was even in the process of registering her as an emotional support animal so i could take her to college with me because she was finally old enough and for the most part out of the puppy phase. but one night out of nowhere she got really sick and within an hour of her showing signs something was wrong she died while i was holding her. not the greatest thing for a 19 year old who’s already struggling to experience. it took my over a month to stop seeing her like that every time i closed my eyes. call me dramatic, but that dog really was a child to me.

after that, i went to stay with my cousin for a few weeks and that was nice but i still knew i wasn’t feeling right. i moved back to school in august and had way too high of hopes that everything would fix itself. surprise, it didn’t. in fact, i just got worse. i reached lows i haven’t hit in over two years. i was having roommate problems, i was trying to do way too much at once, and i was neglecting my health. i had a breakdown.

the highlight of my semester was taking a week off to visit my best friend since age 2 for her birthday (she lives roughly a 2 hour plane ride away from me now) with our other two best friends. then i came back and immediately totaled my car. my car was a piece of shit yes, but it got me places. not having a car when you’re a person who drives around to destress is not fun. i was even worse mentally at this point and i was trying so so hard to get into my overbooked doctor to get my medications raised. the only constant i had were my three friends at school and my studies. so i threw myself into them. i was never alone and if i was i was nose deep in a text book. i was just avoiding the rest of my existence. i was able to get my meds upped and decided i was done wallowing. i started a diet that is actually manageable and enjoyable and discovered for the first time workouts that i actually liked doing. it was something small, but i knew i was turning myself around.

i went home for winter break knowing it was going to be tough. i also had to spend this time looking for a new car. it was an extremely stressful process to say the least. but i focused on myself, taking all the time for myself that i needed and processing everything that had made me get to such a bad place. i’ve always been very spiritual, so i dove more into that as well as trusting the universe.

i’ve decided that 2024 will be my best year yet. i got a new car, im getting a new job, im doing great in school, my mom is getting released from prison literally six hours after i post this, and im taking care of myself in more ways than one. while doing a lot of that reflecting, i remembered how much i used to love to write and how that passion just died after loving it since i was ten. i started small, doing short story exercises and getting into reading again. i finally, after an entire year, have my passion for writing back.

i can’t promise i’ll be consistent with uploads because i’ve decided that my goal for the year is to write a novel. so that project is going to be my main focus and it isn’t anything fanfic related, it’s actually a psychological thriller. more than likely i will be asking for opinions on here throughout the year as well.

with that said, my plans this year for this blog are to keep posting. eddie munson is mainly who i write for, but i want to expand my horizons. i want to challenge myself with genres and types of characters. i will greatly appreciate any requests you can give and i promise i will read through them. if i don’t post them right away, just know it may come out three months later. sometimes inspiration sparks at weird times.

if you’ve read this far, thank you. i hope this can inspire you to see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes you’ve gotta dig the extra dirt to it yourself. beyond thankful to anyone who was here a year ago and has come back to read my new stuff- you made an aspiring writer really proud of herself.

much much love

-eddiemunsonswhxre 🤍

#eddiemunsonswhxre #i’m back #mental health is important

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mercymermaid · 5 months

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uhh

here's my take on a bit of (game) michael afton lore

tw: depression, thoughts of suicide, poor mental health, and the rest of the warnings that go with fnaf

mike was once more or less a good kid - he had good grades (he was an afton, of course) and while he caused a bit of trouble here and there he was usually an agreeable kid and a pleasure to have in class.

after the bite, he couldn't cope with the grief of literally killing his baby brother, and he fell into depression. he became horribly introverted, his grades dropped quite quickly, and he started rebelling and lashing out a lot more. he would hang out with the very wrong people just to gain some semblance of control over his life, and once he tried drugs and smoking, he just felt like shit, which just threw him into an even deeper spiral.

mike's relationship with his father crumbled quickly, both from the fact that mike had literally killed his brother, and that now william was busy killing kids.

elizabeth's death hit them both extremely hard - william officially gave into insanity, and michael, slowly putting the pieces together, saw william as a monster. he vowed he would never end up like his father.

he eventually moved out, any relationship between him and his father gone - hell, mike was scared of him at this point. he lived alone and depressed, and his mental health was not improving whatsoever. he couldn't keep a job if he tried, and suicide was actually attempted and failed. henry had reached out to him a few times, but michael never accepted. he doesn't know why - maybe, if he did, things would've gone differently.

however, when he heard of his father's disappearance, he connected the dots, and assumed death.

somehow, this snapped him out of everything. his father had gone down the dark path, destroying everything he touched, causing so much pain and suffering, and eventually died. michael had sworn to never be like william.

and thus, he vowed to turn the afton legacy around. he'd carve his own future out of the stone placed around him, live.

mike got a job at freddy's and actually kept it! once he figured out the existence of golden freddy, he realized who exactly the robots were. he freed them all, and after saying goodbye to his brother, was fired for messing with the animatronics.

he was doing a lot better mentally, actually, after finally addressing his past. he finally contacted henry, and lived with him for a good bit. they grew close.

he went down to circus baby's next. he wanted to do something similar - free her from her eternal cage. however, it had been ten years. she didn't recognize him, and whether she assumed him to be william or a random security guard, he never found out.

he was scooped, and had his organs ripped out, effectively killing his body. however, powered by the curse of being an afton and sheer sickly spite, he never vanished.

for thirty years he lived like this, a fucking corpse. he hadn't gone back to henry, as the man had disappeared, and mike instead stayed in town like a damn boogeyman.

he jumped from jobs, managing to afford rent and a decent life, never aging due to the nature of his situation.

one day, he heard about fazbear's frights. his past years had blurred and it was hard to remember where he had heard the name fazbear before, but it came back quickly, and with it, his need to take down his father.

he managed to snag a job at the location and was quickly recognized by father - from one corpse to another.

michael couldn't set his father free, that much was clear. but he would make sure he would never harm another soul again.

thus, he burned down fazbear's frights, hoping to take his father down with it.

of course, he failed. afton survived the fire, and though michael had no way of knowing it for sure, he had a feeling it would happen. but his father was nowhere to be found, so micheal continued his corpse life.

evidently, henry was still alive, to michael's surprise - a new fazbear location popped right back up in town. michael saw yet another chance, and he couldn't miss this one, not after all of this. he took the job.

he recognized everyone. his sister, his father, hell, even lefty felt vaguely familiar.

when henry first started his speech and his own fire, michael had.. a time.

he was scared at first. was he finally going to die? he had managed to evade it all this time, and now it was coming to bite him in the ass?

he came to terms with the situation quite quickly. it was finally happening, what all them had always wanted. they'd be free, and the fazbear legacy would finally be closed, locked, and lost to history, finally put to rest.

he felt a bit of petty anger at henry for taking michael arson idea, but it was short-lived.

they all died happily ever after, one murderous fursuit being tormented in eternal hell by those he tortured

and then security breach never happened

the end

hope you enjoyed

sorry for the long read, if you made it down here, congrats! you get some exotic butters!!

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streetlight11 · 2 years

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Blinded Mistakes

Summary: After the breakup, things weren’t so easy for you. A huge part of you just got ripped out. It wasn’t how you expected your life to turn out. Lucky for you, there was someone you could say thanks to for saving you from your own nightmare

Theme: university au, one-sided feelings au

Genre: heavy angst, fluff

Warnings: strong language, nudity, mentions of cheating, depression, suicidal thoughts and unstable emotions (mental health is not to be made fun of so if you know someone who is going through it, do whatever is best to help them)

WC: 9.2K

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x Fem!Reader

a/n: hey there my loves <3 I've gotten a few asks, requesting for a part 2 to my oneshot of Lies After Lies so here it is! I probably won't make a part 3 for this only because the plot is technically at a dead end now so I hope this is somewhat or rather a good closure to this story. Nevertheless, hope you enjoy! :)

P.S those in plain italics are a flashback!

Three Years After The Breakup

Ever since that heartbreaking separation, Hyunjin has lost whatever contact he has from you. You changed your number, all of his social media was blocked, you moved out of your apartment, you changed colleges during your final year, you basically wiped your entire existence from his life. Of course it was hard for you to make those final decisions but it was something you knew had to be done. There was no beating around the bush with that and even he knows it. At first he didn’t feel any different because he had Rhea to focus on.

But guess what? Karma is a bitch. And karma came to bite his ass three years after he left you for an actual bitch…

Rhea cancelled on their date plan at the very last minute, saying she wasn’t feeling too well. Hyunjin got worried and asked if he could come over to take care of her but she refused. She told him that she could manage on her own and that she just wanted to lay down and let her body recharge again after eating her medicines. Hyunjin being him, he understood despite having a hunch that something wasn’t right.

A few hours later, he called Rhea to check in on her. Just wanting to make sure that she’s okay. It was only 7 in the evening so it didn’t make sense if she couldn’t reply to his texts or calls not even once. Sure she might have fallen asleep after eating her medications but he had been texting her since three hours ago but she still hasn’t opened his chat.

Something’s not right…

He thought to himself before he leaped out of his couch to grab his phone and keys before leaving his apartment. He drove to her place in less than 10 minutes, feeling uneasy. Maybe she passed out. Maybe she’s asleep. Maybe she went to get food. There were so many possibilities that would explain why she hasn’t been checking his texts. However, the odds of it being one of those reasons are slim.

The minute he arrived at her apartment complex, he quickly rushed upstairs in hopes that she was okay. When he finally stood outside her door, he was searching for his spare keys when all of a sudden, a loud yet muffled moan filled his ears.

“What the fuck?” He asked as the male managed to unlock the front door and right off the bat, the two sneakers and heels that seemed to sprawl over the ground caught his eyes followed by the discarded clothes thrown at every inch of the house. “No fucking way…” Hyunjin thought to himself as he slowly walk deeper and deeper into the premises. The further he went, the louder the sound of heavy grunts and moans could be heard.

His blood was boiling in his veins, his heart was beating rapidly due to anger. He was growing insanely furious. The minute he stopped right outside her bedroom door, that’s when he heard her pleading voice, begging to be fucked like the slut she was.

With that being said, Hyunjin slammed the door open abruptly, cutting the session short. All three of them jumped from shock as Hyunjin witnessed the obscenity in front of him.

There on her bed, laid a male with blonde locks. Rhea was riding his manhood with her back facing him while the jet black haired male kneeled in front of her, enjoying the view of his girth disappearing into her mouth. The guys seemed to panic but not Rhea. All she did was smirk. “The fuck is this?!” Hyunjin growled as he stormed over to them only to grab her wrist and yanked her off their holds and onto her feet.

“I’m sorry baby, this was just a one time thing.” Rhea said with her sweet voice while batting her eyelashes at him.

“One time thing? Who the fuck said it’s okay to fuck two dudes while you’re dating me?! Do I mean nothing to you?” Hyunjin asked as his voice got softer. He seemed disappointed but why was this feeling so familiar to him?

Oh wait…

“You’re a sweet guy, Hyunjin. You really are… But you’re too naive. I’m not gonna lie though, you’re heavenly in bed.” She smirked while she ran a finger down his jawline. He slapped her hand away, not wanting to hurt her.

“You’re breaking up with me?” He asked as if to double confirm.

“Of course… Unless you don’t mind sharing me with others.” She let out a giggle before she took his hand and brought it down to press his palm against her throbbing, wet core. Hyunjin immediately pulled his arm back harshly before scowling at her.

“I never should’ve left her…” Hyunjin whispered softly under his breath all while taking large steps backwards.

She laughed like a maniac, locking eyes with him after and said, “You lost, babe.” Hyunjin didn’t waste anymore time as he left the house fuming with anger. Except, it wasn’t towards Rhea… it was towards himself.

That night, Hyunjin went back home only to vent out his anger. He screamed. He yelled. He cried. He threw every single item near him, against the wall and across the room. He thrashed his place like it was nothing. He couldn’t think straight. His mind was jumbled up like a new box of puzzles. He was frustrated, disappointed, ashamed, remorseful, furious, literally every negative feeling to ever exist. Yet, he can’t really do much.

He cried for hours, not giving a single fuck in the world about his neighbours filing a noise complaint against him. At this moment, he wished he could just turn back time and stop himself from making that stupid mistake. He wished he could just allow the one person who has been there for him all his life, to take all his pain away as if it never happened in the first place. But of course, that was all just a dream now. He lost that comfort place and there wasn’t a single hint of him being able to retrieve that back.

Simply because it’s close to impossible.

“Hey Lix, have you heard from Hyunjin the past few days? That idiot just left me unread and has been ignoring my calls. Did he say anything to you?” Minho asked as Felix took a bite of his fillet. The younger one shook his head while he was busy chowing down his lunch.

“He hasn't opened my chat since last Friday… Do you think something happened to him?” The younger one asked, sounding genuinely worried.

“What? You think he’s dead?” Minho chuckled but Felix clicked his tongue and slapped the elder’s shoulder.

“Oi! Don’t say that, hyung! I’m sure he’s still alive but I’m just not sure if he’s well… I think we should check on him.”

“Where? We don’t even know where he is, for god’s sake.” Minho said with a bored tone.

“We can start with his house.” Felix said, earning a shrug from the older boy. With that being said, that was exactly what they did after their classes ended for the day. The two boys arrived at Hyunjin’s apartment about half an hour later, finding Hyunjin’s car just parked in one of the lots. Minho went over to it and placed a hand on the hood of the car, only to frown.

“What’s wrong, hyung?” Felix asked, only for Minho to look at him with pure worry.

“His engine is cold… It’s like… he never went anywhere for days.” Minho said.

With the amount of concern piling up in them, the two boys soon took the lift up to Hyunjin’s floor. They knew the route by heart after coming here multiple times before. Once they arrived outside Hyunjin’s unit, Felix gave the door a few knocks. All they got was silence. Minho tried knocking again and the result was still the same. Just then, he reached for the door knob to try his luck.

Thankfully, the door was unlocked which means Hyunjin was home. However, what they were about to walk into never once crossed their minds.

The house was in utter chaos. Things were thrown everywhere.

Plates, vases and jars were broken. All his art works and paintings were torn and thrown across the hall. Anyone would suspect a robbery or even a murder that took place there. And that is exactly what they had in mind. Fortunately, Minho was quick enough to pick up what sounded like a soft cry coming from down the hallway. He began to walk deeper into the premises, making his way straight towards Hyunjin’s bedroom. Trying his best to avoid the shards of glass and ceramic on the ground.

The moment he stood outside Hyunjin’s bedroom, he gently pushed the door open. Only to reveal their dishevelled friend sitting on the ground looking completely unkempt.

“Hyunjin?! What the fuck, dude! We thought you were dead! What the fuck happened to you? And why is your house similar to a bloody crime scene?” Minho asked firmly in hopes that his dear friend would cooperate. Thankfully, he did.

“I was stupid, hyung… I was so fucking stupid! I’m an asshole… I’m a fucking asshole!”

“No shit sherlock.” Minho whispered under his breath while Felix tried to calm his friend down.

“Hyunjin ah, what happened?” Felix asked as he kneeled next to the broken boy who had his fingers buried deep in his own locks.

“I shouldn’t have trusted her… I should have known better not to fall for her…”

“Her, who?”

“Rhea! She cheated on me…” Hyunjin said as his two friends glanced over to each other with a knowing look on their faces. They knew about his breakup with you. They knew what he did to you back then. So when the same thing happened to Hyunjin a few days ago, the boys could only nod as they knew this would happen one day.

“Huh. I see.” Minho said as he crossed his arms over his chest before he continued, “I guess that saying is true then… What goes around, does come around.” Hyunjin sighed heavily and soon crashed the back of his head against the wall.

“I miss her hyung… I fucking miss her but I know she would never take me back after what I did. I’m an idiot.” Hyunjin began to chuckle like a maniac, finding it ridiculous how he made his life choices. Nevertheless, the two boys couldn’t do much to cheer their poor friend up except telling him to give it a shot and try to reconcile with you despite knowing that would be close to impossible.

Even then, Hyunjin tries his best to find you everywhere online that he can.

Two weeks passed, even though Hyunjin is still struggling to find you on social media, he hasn’t given up on that just yet. He was determined to find you simply because he wants, or more so wishes that you would agree on starting over. Losing Rhea made him realize that what he did to you was absolutely outrageous and that he was so blinded by her that he could easily give up the one person who has literally been there for him since day 1. He was stupid. He was naive. He was a total asswipe and he acknowledges it now.

Which is why he couldn’t forgive himself for his actions. He hated himself for that. But what’s been done is done. All he could do now was to accept his consequences and move on with his life.

It was a Saturday night, Hyunjin decided to hangout with Minho and Felix at the bar but he didn’t really have the feels to drink. So he opted for a mocktail instead. He had too many things in his mind that he might actually explode any moment now. Recently, his mind has been filled by your wellbeing and your whereabouts. He knew he needed to move on but he only will and probably only could do that once he finally apologizes to you.

Hyunjin takes a small gulp of his drink, feeling the cool, liquid flow down his throat as a soft sigh escapes his lips. Both of his friends could only exchange knowing looks to one another, not sure if they should even say anything to their friend who has been sighing every 3 minutes ever since they stepped foot in the bar.

Hell, Hyunjin has been sighing for the past few weeks ever since the breakup with Rhea. However, Minho decides to be the older person amongst them and acknowledges the elephant in the room.

“Hey, Hyunjin ah. It’s time to put it all in the past. Stop dwelling on this, man…” He paused as he gave Felix a glance before he continued whilst looking at Hyunjin dead in the eyes, “She’s not coming back.” That’s when Hyunjin slams his hand on the tabletop and raises his voice slightly in sheer anger.

“Don’t! Don’t say that! I know she will. She has to… Right? I mean, she can’t live without me. She said that herself…” Hyunjin’s voice slowly began to go into a whisper as he tries to convince himself more than anyone else.

Felix scoots closer to his friend and places a soft hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder as a way of comfort despite knowing it probably didn’t do shit.

“Look man, she’s probably living a happy life right now so just… go with it.” Felix said.

Hyunjin scoffs as he gets up to leave, not bothering to answer their calls even when Minho literally shouts about who’s going to drive them home later. The former simply raises an arm up at a 90° angle to flip Minho off without turning back. Once he was out of that dim bar, he walked over to his car and proceeded to enter the stationary vehicle, only to let out a frustrated yell the minute he closed the door beside him.

He runs his fingers desperately through his hair, almost on the verge of ripping his strands out. Nevertheless, the male couldn’t help but cry in the comforts of his car. To make things simple, he was currently pathetic.

So to clear his mind, he decided to go for a drive without a particular destination. He just wanted to take his mind off of you as best as he could even though he knew it would be close to impossible. Even so, he still did it. He began driving for the next few minutes, not knowing where he was or where he was heading. It's been nearly an hour of him just driving where the roads took him, only to realize that he was now further down town. Probably coming two hours away from his apartment.

While driving down the street, he came across a 24 hour cafe which looked like it was only 2 in the afternoon. The cafe was nearly packed with customers and that usually means that the cafe was popular amongst those living in this particular area. So when he managed to get himself a parking space, he got out of his car and began to stroll towards the cafe that caught his eye.

Upon entering the place, a strong aroma of roasted coffee beans began to waft in the air. Filling his senses with it. Hyunjin was obsessed with coffee. He drinks it when he’s happy, sad, sleepy, depressed, distressed. Basically coffee runs in his bloodstream. His eyes were glued on the menu board above the cashier, scanning the list of drinks that were available. Just then, a male with muscular arms, broad chest, wide shoulders and a toothy grin comes over to attend to Hyunjin.

“Hi, welcome to Haus Of Coffee. What can I get for you today?” He asked as Hyunjin spoke up to give his order.

“I’ll just have an iced americano to go please.”

While the male was pressing buttons on the monitor screen, Hyunjin was just randomly looking around the cafe to check out the interior of the place. However, his admiration was soon cut short when he heard a familiar voice just two feet away from him.

With that being said, he carefully turned his head back to the front and he could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating for a second.

It was you.

It was really you.

You said something that was just loud enough for your colleague to hear, only for him to burst out into a cackle. You teasingly slapped his chest as you unconsciously turned your head towards Hyunjin. It would be a lie if you said your heart didn’t flinch a tad bit upon seeing him after all these years but it didn’t create the same feeling it did when you were still with him.

You simply felt… numb.

Which is exactly why you ignored him and walked away to go make the coffee orders. Hyunjin was so busy staring at you that he almost missed the way the male at the counter was calling out to him loudly to get his attention. Hyunjin finally returns back to earth and soon takes out his money. While the male was keeping the money in the cashier and taking the change he owed Hyunjin, the latter made a quick glance at the male’s name tag, ‘Changbin’.

After he got his change back, he slowly walked over to the side to get a better view of you. However, something unexpected happened and Hyunjin didn’t know why but felt jealous. You were tamping the coffee grinds when Changbin suddenly tickled your sides before wrapping his arms around your waist. You laughed as he placed a soft kiss on your cheek, causing you to blush.

Changbin lets go of you only to leave the back to go clear the tables so Hyunjin took this opportunity to step forward, closer to where you were. He remained silent until you came over to pass him his drink.

“Iced americano.” You said while avoiding his eyes. You were about to walk away when he was quick to grab your wrist softly.

“Y/N…” He calls your name sweetly, just the way you used to like it. “Can we talk? Please?” He asked, voice sounding hopeful as ever.

“I’m working.”

“What time do you end? We can talk after.” He insisted, making you frown and finally lock eyes with him.

“There’s nothing to talk about. We’re done, remember? Now go before she finds you talking to me.” You said firmly, pulling your arm out of his grip just in time for Changbin to re-enter the back. Hyunjin felt defeated but he was determined to talk to you. So he waited outside beside his car. About an hour and a half later, he finally saw you leaving the cafe alone. The only problem is, before he could even go up to you, Changbin came out a few seconds later only to surprise you with a back hug and soon kissed your cheek again just like before.

You seemed really happy at the moment and it hurts him. Because the last time you were this happy was when he was still with you. And yet despite all this, he couldn’t bear to ruin your happiness which is why he decided to leave after he sees you putting on the helmet only to climb onto the pillion seat of Changbin’s sports bike.

His world got crushed for the second time but he’s sure that third time’s a charm.

Four days later, you were working your afternoon shift again right after class. It was half past 11 and you had less than an hour until your shift would end. Changbin wasn’t working tonight but he promised to pick you up after work. Just that he had an urgent matter at work to settle first so he might be a few minutes late. About 20 minutes later, you had just finished making an iced americano and were about to call out the name of the person who ordered the drink when your voice got stuck in your throat seeing the familiar name written on the cup.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes in which he clearly saw. Yet again, he didn’t wanna let you go that easily. Just like before, he told you he wanted to talk to you and he insisted on having a few minutes of your time. Since Changbin wouldn’t be coming anytime soon, you decided to give in. Once you left the cafe, you looked around to spot Hyunjin sitting on a bench that was located right outside this flower shop just two units down.

He looked up from his coffee the minute he heard soft footsteps approaching him, making him smile but you couldn’t react the same way.

“Hey… Uh thanks… For choosing to sit with me.” He said nervously and you could tell.

“I’m only doing this because I have a ride to wait for. Don’t think I did this to sympathise with you.” You responded coldly to him with your arms crossed over your chest. A part of him shattered upon hearing how distant you were being when you were literally claiming him as your world years ago. His face dropped slightly in disappointment despite knowing he can’t blame you anyway.

“Listen… I know that what I did was absolutely wrong. But I feel like I have to tell you something.” He paused to see your reaction but all he got was two bored eyes staring plainly back at him. Hyunjin gulps down his nervousness before coming clean to you.

“Rhea and I broke things off a couple of days ago…”

Both of you fell silent for a second, giving you the chance to ask further.

“What happened?”

His eyes suddenly dropped to the floor, feeling pure embarrassment and humiliation washing over him.

“I… walked in on her cheating on me.”

“Oh…” That was all you managed to say. You grew silent again as you felt a sense of deja vu except it was happening to him and not you.

“I know I did you wrong. I know I was an asshole… but I just-”

Right at that moment, the sound of the engine rumbling down the empty street made you divert your attention to it. Gaze falling onto the rider of the matte grey sports bike rolling to a slow stop until they were right in front of where you were. An instant smile appears on your face despite the person having a full face helmet on. Not long after, you stood up and so did Hyunjin.

The rider swings his leg over the back to unmount the vehicle and takes off his helmet only to then turn to you with the brightest of smiles.

“Hey! I’m really sorry I’m late! My grandma slipped in the bathroom so I had to call the ambulance for her. Mom and dad weren’t home.” Changbin said with a small pout on his face as you took a step closer to him and wrapped your arms around his shoulders.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. But is she feeling better now?”

“Mmm! She didn’t have any broken bones or anything. Just that her ankle is sprained a little. That’s all.”

“She’ll recover soon. I know that. She’s a very strong woman.” You said, earning a soft giggle from him before his eyes flicked over to Hyunjin.

“Oh? Didn’t you come to the cafe the other day? Do you guys know each other?” Changbin asked innocently as you quickly answered calmly before Hyunjin could.

“We were schoolmates years ago… I’m surprised he even recognizes me.” You let out a small laugh to loosen the tension between you and Hyunjin. Changbin’s smile widens as he claps his hand once and says, “Ahh! No wonder he was shocked to see you the other day. He got so distracted he didn’t even hear me talk to him.” He laughed as Hyunjin mimicked his reaction slightly so as to not seem off.

“We better get going babe. We’ve gotta do the opening shift tomorrow.” You said as you slipped your hands in Changbin’s easily, feeling him give your hand a gentle squeeze. A small reassurance to tell you that he is indeed with you.

“Sorry to disrupt your reunion!” Changbin directed his words to Hyunjin who simply stood there like a lost child. He shook his head and waved his hands to brush him off.

“No no, it’s fine.” Hyunjin said, swallowing his tears as he spoke.

“It was nice meeting you, uh… I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.” Changbin laughs, causing Hyunjin to respond.

“It’s Hyunjin.”

“Right, sorry. See you around Hyunjin!” Changbin said cheerfully before walking with you to his bike.

Hyunjin watched as Changbin whispered something in your ear, to which you scoffed loudly with a smile before slapping his chest. You seemed genuinely surprised but due to something positive. Changbin’s giggle echoes down the empty street, sliding his hands around your waist perfectly. Your hands cupped each side of his face, bringing his face close to yours as you said something against his lips. And that’s when Hyunjin’s nightmare happened.

You giggled right before you gently pressed your lips against Changbin’s full ones.

A mix of jealousy and disappointment began to rage through Hyunjin’s body. His mind was in distress while his heart was ripped into pieces. “This can’t be happening… It’s only been three years…” He thought to himself.

Exactly…

It’s. Been. Three. Years.

He was a fool to think that after all these years, you would actually wait for his return. He was a fool to think that you’d give him another chance. He was a fool to think that after what happened, you would take him back.

He was a fool.

The minute Changbin drives off into the distance, Hyunjin couldn’t help but collapse to the ground helplessly. Tears came streaming down his face like a broken pipe. He couldn’t control himself as he yelled out in frustration, completely ignoring the stares he got from all those around him. He knew this might’ve happened but he didn’t want to consider this possibility. He has always thought that you will never move on from him just because you’ve known him since you were in diapers.

Looks like he was wrong.

A few weeks passed, you were meeting up with Changbin, Jisung, Jeongin and Seungmin at the mall to hang out together after a stressful week of exams. You were waiting for Jisung, Jeongin and Seungmin outside the Apple store with Changbin. He leans against the railing while you stand between his legs. Changbin protectively holds your waist with his hands while you tangle one hand into his hair with the other resting on his chest. Occasionally playing with the pendant of his necklace.

He sneaks a kiss to your lips, making you giggle. He does this a few times, only for you to cup his face with both hands and stare directly into his eyes softly with a smile.

“I love you a lot, you know that?” You asked, to which he nodded.

“I know. Because I love you so much too.” He responded confidently. He kissed you again longingly until a voice called you out in disgust.

“Get a room please. We don’t need PDA here.” Jisung said as you turned around to find all three of them walking to you. Just then, Changbin smirks cockily at the younger boy and says, “I’m sorry your single ass feels jealous of me and my beautiful girlfriend.”

Jisung scoffed loudly as a joke before he spoke up, “Jealous? As if! It’s not like you’ve only got the best girl ever or anything…” He said with a pout on his face, making you laugh. The five of you began to leave the spot and made your way to the restaurant you wanted to eat in. Hours later, Jeongin suggested getting dessert at this ice cream waffle place a few blocks down from the mall and so Changbin drove all of you there. Once you were there, you sat at a table with them while Changbin went to order the desserts with Seungmin.

You were just listening to Jeongin rant about this girl in his class that is somewhat of a creep when Jisung’s voice calling out to a familiar name made you freeze in your spot.

“Hey yo, Hyunjin! My man! What are you doing here?” Jisung asked as he got up and soon did a handshake with the said person.

“Hey man! I got bored so I decided to go for a drive.” Hyunjin said. You glanced up only to meet Hyunjin’s eyes but all you felt was emptiness. From the visible frown on his face, you could tell that he was shocked to see you with Jisung. The fact that he froze, Jisung knew something was wrong, which is why he decided to be smart and ask.

“Do you guys know each other?”

“He was my schoolmate.” You replied, the same answer you gave Changbin when he first asked.

“That’s so cool! What a coincidence!” Jisung laughed, earning a soft chuckle from you and Jeongin but not Hyunjin. Just then, Changbin and Seungmin came back to the table and of course, your boyfriend acknowledged Hyunjin like the friendly guy he is. They talked for a bit to ask about Hyunjin’s wellbeing and what he's been doing recently. However, right when he excused himself, he deadpanned at Changbin with a smile and asked him for permission.

“Hey, do you mind if I borrow Y/N for a bit? I just need to talk to her about something.”

“Sure. As long as you don’t kidnap her from me, I’m good.” Changbin jokes, making you click your tongue at him. He laughed out loud, saying you were cute when you got angry but nonetheless allowed you to go with Hyunjin. You hesitantly followed Hyunjin out of the cafe only for him to ask you to walk with him. You wanted to just talk outside the cafe where your friends and boyfriend could see you but he insisted on walking. So to avoid fighting with him, you simply followed him.

“How have you been?” He asked first, in which you nodded and responded after.

“Good. Yourself?”

“Not the best… Exam week is crazy and my professor is shit.”

“Well, there’s always the one professor who’s useless in every campus.” He laughed at your remark, covering his face with his hand. A little habit he picked up since he was small. Both of you fell silent for a second or two before he cleared his throat.

“How did you meet Jisung?” You asked, genuinely curious.

“I met him at my cousin’s wedding. He was the bride’s distant relative. I didn’t know who he was but then we started talking when we were at the dessert table.”

“Yeah, he can be quite a talkative little hamster when he’s in the mood. Sometimes too talkative…” You said, earning a soft chuckle from him. The next few minutes, the conversation was okay until he brought up a question about your relationship values.

“Why do you trust strangers so easily?” He asked nonchalantly, making you frown at him deeply, unsure of what he meant by that.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Why do you trust that dude so much?” He asked clearly in spite of Changbin.

“Are you listening to yourself? What does my trust in him have to do with you?”

“You’re trusting a stranger too much, god knows he might be lying to you behind your back.”

“First of all, he’s not a stranger to me. You don’t even know him. And second of all, a person I met a year ago is much more trustworthy than a person I’ve known my whole life.” You said out of sheer anger, making him stiff.

“So don’t educate me on who I can and can’t trust when you’re literally the cause of me having trust issues.” You continued to speak your point, all of which he remained quiet. You were done with his bullshit. You just wanted to tear yourself away from him forever and not have him in your life anymore. With that being said, you turned around to walk back to the cafe but he was stubborn. He wasn’t done talking so he grabbed your wrist to stop you and it worked.

“Fine! Yes! I lied to you a lot back then but I was just trying to protect our relationship!”

You were furious now.

“Protect?! Are you fucking kidding me?! You lied to me because you were too much of a pussy to tell me that you were cheating on me! Don’t pretend like you were doing it to save our relationship because that’s bullshit!” You said, knowing you had a point.

“What was I supposed to do?! Tell you that I was attracted to your friend?!”

“At least it’s better than lying to me for 15 fucking months, isn’t it?”

“Y/N, you’re being irrational.” Hyunjin scoffed under his breath. That was his mistake. Because that made you lose your shit. That was your final straw.

“Irrational?! Because of you, I suffered from depression after you left me for that slut! I kept wanting to kill myself Hyunjin, and I almost succeeded. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t good enough for anyone. You were everything to me. You were my whole world and you even dared to make me feel unworthy that night. Your words kept replaying in my mind like a broken record. I was going insane…”

You paused for a second only to continue, “But guess what? While you were happy with that bitch, only one person managed to get me out of that horrible state and nurtured me back to sanity… And it’s changbin. He was there for me when no one else was. A guy who I’ve just met, a complete stranger, was there for me at my lowest. Where were you?” You paused again, noting how his face had dropped. You had tears rolling down your cheeks now but you didn’t care.

“Where were you when I needed you most?” You paused to let him think.

“Y/N-”

“So don’t! Tell me I shouldn’t trust him because if there’s one person I would call during a life and death situation, I’d choose him in a heartbeat.” With a harsh swing of your arm from his grip, you stormed back down the street while aggressively wiping your tears away before entering the cafe to avoid questions from them. Hyunjin knew he fucked up badly and there was no way of redeeming himself now. But he knows he deserved it. So all he could do was sigh and walk away.

He lost. He lost the battle and he acknowledges it.

14 Months After The Breakup

It has been months since the world came crashing down on you. It was easily the saddest moment for you as you have lost the most precious person to ever exist in your life. Hyunjin was your everything. He was your best friend, your other half, your soulmate, your boyfriend.

Well… ex-boyfriend that is.

You have always thought that you can never live without him. He was your pillar of strength. He was the first person to ever talk to you in preschool. He was your motivation to keep you on your feet everyday. He was the one who brought you to your first ever live concert. He was the first person to ever confess his feelings to you. He was the first person to ever kiss you. He was your first to many things.

Which is why you found it oh so hard to forget about him completely in a flash. Even when you’ve moved to a new city, deleted and blocked all of his social media and phone number, avoided his friends, everything you could think of, you still somehow end up thinking about him. It was a chore to keep forcing yourself into forgetting him. It came to a point that you even began to suffer from depression. It was tiring when all you wanted to do was end your life, feeling utterly hopeless. Finding the easiest ways to get yourself to stop thinking about him.

It was unhealthy but there was no one to help you because the one person you thought would always be there for you at your lowest, was busy fucking around with a slut. You went weeks without having a proper meal. Losing weight extremely due to your lack of nutritions. Your eyes puffy from crying to sleep almost every night. You were constantly at wits end.

However, on one very fateful night, is when your whole life changed in a blink of an eye.

You were going insane. You couldn’t take it anymore. You’ve lost every ounce of hope, every bit of faith into believing that not all men are similar to Hyunjin. You’ve lost all your hope into thinking that you have a second chance at love. He was the cause of your fear. He was the cause of your phobia. He was the cause of your trust issues. He was the cause of every negative trait and issues you were facing ever since the breakup.

As much as it sucks to go through this pain, you didn’t know how else to overcome it. As a result, you have decided to make your way up the tallest building in the city you were in. Once you made it to the top of the building, you took slow steps towards the edge of the parapet. Resting both hands on the surface, leaning over to witness the height of the building. A cold shiver ran down your spine, unable to grasp the fact that this might be the last thing you see. With a heavy heart and a shaky pair of legs, you carefully climbed onto the parapet to prepare yourself.

Your breaths got heavier by the minute as you glanced down to look at how high up you were.

“That’s it. Here goes nothing.” You whispered to yourself.

However, as soon as you begin to lift one feet up and swing it slowly outwards to dangle off the edge, a soft voice calls out behind you.

“Miss. I really don’t mean to startle you but please… please don’t do it…” The male said. You didn’t realize you were crying until you tasted something salty on your lips.

“Why? Why shouldn’t I jump?! He doesn’t love me! Nobody loves me!” You cried as you took a small step back, edging closer and closer to the edge while he too took small steps forward.

“Don’t say that. I’m sure a lot of people love you. Your family loves you.” He said again, in a very gentle voice while he had his hands out with his palms facing you.

“I feel so fucking useless! I’m a fucking loser. He made me feel so worthless. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t love me.” You frowned, causing him to smile.

“I know I may not be the best person for advice. But what I do know is that your life is the most precious thing in this world and I wouldn’t take it away from myself just because of an outsider, if I were you. So please… don’t do this to yourself, miss…” He said as you stood frozen there. You were a crying mess now as he finally stood a foot away from you. Since you were distracted, he carefully slipped his hand into yours and tugged you towards him. Once you were finally back on the rooftop ground, he smiled while still keeping his hold on you.

“Do you need some comfort?” He asked and all you could do was nod weakly. The male laughs softly but nonetheless wraps his arms around you. For some odd reason, you felt so safe in this stranger’s arms. It was almost as if it was meant to be perfect. You embraced his warmth by sliding your arms around his waist tightly, burying your face in his neck while he held you close to him.

“Why does he not love me?” You whispered in between tears, mind still hazy with the thought of your best friend. However, the words that the male said couldn’t leave your mind even after you’ve gone your separate ways after that.

“The only love that matters is self love. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t love you. Love yourself first because people will come and go. And that’s normal. So it’s okay. It’s really okay to lose people you love. Just don’t forget to love yourself more. That way, even if the ones you love do leave you, you won’t feel so lost and empty.”

With that being said, you pulled away from him, feeling how genuine he was now that he has said those things to you. The minute you were face to face with him, you finally got to properly look at the male who saved you from your near death.

He was handsome. So handsome and who knew a stranger you’ve just met, would be willing to help someone who is at their ultimate lowest without caring about whether they’re someone they love or just merely a stranger. This shows how good of a person he is. When he noticed how blankly you were staring at him, he let out a soft giggle before cupping your face with both hands and wiped your tears with his thumbs. After doing that, his eyes met yours and you couldn’t help but feel shy from his gaze.

You felt stupid for what you almost did. You were too blinded by the mistakes that you forgot about your family. How they would feel if you took your own life just because of a boy. How your mother would feel if she found out she lost you when she hasn’t seen you in years ever since you moved out to go to college. You weren’t ready to break her heart. You just couldn’t.

So you were thankful. You were so thankful for the stranger who saved you tonight.

A Few Days After That Fateful Night

It’s been a few days since the night that stranger saved you from your misery. You had been reflecting about everything, making video calls to your family back at home. Telling them you missed them and that you loved them so much. It was such a relief to see them smile. It felt so warming to know that despite losing one person, you’ve still got your family to receive the love from. They will always be your strength, no matter what the circumstances are.

Tonight however, you decided to go and get some fresh air. You weren’t sure where to go or what to do. All you know is that you just needed to get out of the house and start fresh. You wanted to try and put all the past behind and start moving forward instead of staying put where you last fell. So that’s exactly what you did.

Of course it was hard because you were on your own. You had no one to help you. The work would take double your effort but with time, you were sure you’ll make it. With that being said, you wore a hoodie and slipped on your comfortable sweatpants before leaving the house. You aimlessly walked around your neighbourhood with no sense of direction. It was 15 minutes to midnight and there were little to no shops left that were operating at this late hour. All except for this cafe called Haus Of Coffee.

With no thought, you entered the bright cafe which seemed to be open till past midnight since the cafe looks like it's nearly full. There was no one at the cashier but there was one girl cleaning the tables and that was it. So you took this time to scan the menu board to see what you could buy. You were just focused on the menu when the staff room door right behind the cashier slides open.

You see the back of a guy talking to a man wearing a black button down shirt who seemed to be joking around with the guy. When the man wearing black noticed you, he nodded his head towards the guy in front of him to signal your presence.

“Hyung! You owe me an ice cream!” The guy said before turning around completely but for some reason, his voice sounded oh so familiar. The minute he turned around, that’s when your heart skipped a beat. It was the same guy from that night. He looked equally shocked to see you as his eyes grew wide and his mouth hung agape slightly.

“Oh? You’re… Aren’t you the girl from that night?” He asked gently to which you only nodded.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again…” He chuckled nervously before continuing, “How have you been?” He asked, making you smile.

“Okay… Not the greatest but I’m feeling slightly better. Still trying my best to heal.” You said quietly as he nodded to show that he understands you.

“What can I get for you today? Do you need a little night booster or are you just here for a stop-over drink?” He asked with the cutest grin you’ve ever seen.

“Just the latter is fine. I was actually out to get my mind off things.”

“Mmm. Then I have the perfect drink for you! Have you ever tried the Iced Butterfly Pea Sweet Tea?”

“What is that?”

“I promise you it’s every customer’s favourite! They usually come here for that if they don’t want coffee.” He said, making you giggle.

“Okay then. Maybe I’ll give that a try.”

He smiles as he taps the screen to key in your order while asking, “Anything else for you?”

“No, that will be all. Thank you.” You said, to which he nodded and soon charged you for your drink. However, after you’ve collected your receipt and were waiting by the side, only then did you notice the price you paid was half of the original amount they stated on the menu board. Not only that, there was a small note typed in under the remarks which made you smile instantly.

“You’re already pretty but I think you look even more beautiful when you smile. So don’t put that smile away! :)”

The minute you glanced up, your eyes instantly met his own pair from on top of the coffee machine. Even though you could only see his eyes, the way they crinkled into crescent moons, it was only obvious that he was smiling. He looked down to break eye contact and soon you felt your heart racing in your chest.

A few minutes later, he calls for you to tell you your order is ready. When you walked over, he smiled adorably at you. “Here’s your order.” He said.

“Thank you… um…” You paused in thought as he chuckled softly as if he read your mind.

“Changbin.” He smiled, causing you to easily mimic his expression.

“Thank you Changbin.” You repeated your words in addition to his name this time. Except, he didn’t forget to ask for yours.

“I’m Y/N.”

“Pretty name for a pretty girl.” He flirted with you but it seems so natural and playful. And you were oddly okay with it. Maybe because the one saying it is him and not some random creepy dude. Right? Maybe.

“Where are you going after this?” He asked you casually, to which you shrugged your shoulders.

“I’m not too sure to be honest.”

“Do you need company?”

“But you must be really tired from work, right?”

“I’m holding up well.” Both of you laughed softly as he continued, “So… where shall we go?”

“You know, you’re really confident for somebody I just met. Are you always like this to every pretty girl you meet?” You asked out of curiosity and he completely understood your insecurity.

“Even if I told you I don’t flirt with every girl, you wouldn’t believe me, would you?”

“Of course not.”

“Exactly, so should I even answer your question?” He asked cheekily while cocking his eyebrow at you teasingly.

“Fine. Fair point.” You said in defeat, earning a laugh from him. Just then, Changbin asks if you were still up for a little adventure with him after he finished his shift. With the fact that you wanted to start fresh and get your mind off things, you decided to string along. Your gut feeling has always been right so far and tonight, you had a feeling that he was someone you could trust. Which is why you agreed to his suggestion, making him smile brightly.

And that was the start of your new friendship with the cute barista who also happens to be the one who saved you from your past trauma and heartbreak.

6 Months Later

Changbin and you haven’t officially declared yourselves as a couple but the signs were there. You’ve been on a few outings that seemed too romantic to be called a casual hang out. However, neither of you wanted to openly call it a date as none of you wanted the other to get the wrong message in case they didn’t feel the same way. It was a Saturday afternoon and Changbin had told you in advance that he wanted to bring you out today. Except, he didn’t say where. All he said was to wear something free and easy.

With that being said, you opted for a simple pair of denim jeans, a pretty floral blouse and your favourite white sneakers. He picked you up right at your doorstep, looking so handsome that it blew your mind away. He was wearing a pair of jeans, a simple graphic black shirt which had the sleeves rolled nicely to accentuate his muscular arms perfectly, a few statement jewellrys, a pair of sneakers and a cap.

“Hey beautiful. Ready to go?” He greeted you, causing you to giggle.

“Yes, but where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise! I can’t tell you now.”

“Why?” You asked sadly, earning a hearty laugh from him.

“Come on! Let’s not waste time!” He said as he took your house keys from you gently and proceeded to help you lock your door for you.

Both of you began to make your way down and to his sports bike. You kept your focus on the routes he was taking, noticing that you were heading further out of town. After about 30 minutes of riding, he finally pulls up into a parking lot but what made you gasp was the huge amusement park that sat right next to the parking lot. Once he managed to park his bike at one of the lots, both of you got down only for you to squeak in excitement.

“Oh my gosh! This is amazing! How did you know about this place, Bin?” You asked as he giggled at how cute you were when you got all excited.

“Sungie told me about this place a while back. So I thought I’d check it out with you.” He smiled, to which you hugged him.

“I’m so excited! I can’t wait to ride the viking!” You said as your inner child was unleashed. You easily slipped your hand into his and soon began to head towards the ticketing counter with him. You spent the next hour going to different game booths, riding the rides that were available, getting carnival snacks during your break time. Everything was perfect and you couldn’t have asked for a better person to experience this with.

Right before you called it a night, Changbin asked if you wanted to go on the ferris wheel that overlooks the city. You easily nodded, knowing you’ve always loved seeing the city lights. While you were entering the small glass container, you didn’t realize Changbin was a few steps behind but he managed to join you before the container rose from the platform. Once the doors were closed, the two of you sat on the bench and talked about the stuffed animal he won for you.

Minutes ticked by without you realizing that you were almost nearing the top of the ferris wheel. Just as you glanced up to look ahead, the wheel stopped moving and you began to panic.

“Oh shit. Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Why did it stop? Omg are we in trouble?” You rushed through your words as you walked over to the door to see what was going on downstairs. Your mind was flooded with negative thoughts, completely unaware of his voice calling your name calmly. It wasn’t until you felt soft hands resting on your waist that you finally snapped out of your train of thoughts and soon turned around to meet him.

“Hey? Hey… Relax… We’re okay, I promise. I was the one who asked the man to stop the wheel once we’re up here.” He said while gently caressing your sides. You let out a heavy sigh before slapping his chest softly.

“You idiot! You almost got me crying!” You whined at him in which he couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m so sorry. I just… wanted a few more minutes with you alone with the best view we could get.” He said, hands linking with yours while he began to walk you towards the front of the glass container to get a better view of the city. Once you are there, Changbin turns you around to gently press your back against the glass. His hands sliding around your waist perfectly. You rested your hands on his broad chest, feeling yourself smile upon seeing his gaze fall on your lips.

Changbin slowly began to lean in, getting closer and closer to your face until you felt his soft lips brush over your own, dangerously close. He reaches up to hold your face gently with one hand only to hear him whisper quietly to you, “Can I kiss you?”

That was all you needed to hear from him.

So without replying to him verbally, you simply nodded and he smiled. Changbin caressed your cheek with his thumb as he pushes his head forward so gently to let his lips touch yours.

Your heart was rapidly beating in your chest while he kissed you sweetly. Your mind was relaxed, your heart was content. Your fear of never being able to find love again, faded into dust for he had proven to you that there is someone for everyone on this earth. Changbin gave you strength and courage to move forward. He has been there for you right from the start. He was there for you when you were at your lowest and he was there every single step of the way. Never once did he leave you to go through the process on your own.

So when he pulled away from you, he kept his face close to you. Soft touches to your cheek as if he was afraid of letting you go.

“I love you. Will you be my girlfriend?” He asked, making your heart jump out of your chest.

“Of course… And Changbin?”

“Yes, my love?”

You smiled at the nickname he chose for you, making you shy.

“I love you too.” You confessed as he smiled and kissed you again. Changbin was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you so far and you wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.

#stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios #stray kids imagines #skz x reader #skz imagines #stray kids x reader #skz hyunjin scenarios #skz hyunjin #skz hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x reader #skz hyunjin angst #stray kids hyunjin

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septembersghost · 1 year

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Do you think Tay is holding back on what is released about her relationship with joe? Artist always find it challenging especially autobiographical artist when they are in long term relationships. I feel she can't talk abt conflicts where joe is at fault because of media and her own fans being extremely toxic. I feel since she started dating joe, she has been calling herself the sole problem which seems unlikely and heavily skewed.

no. i mean, she pretty heavily alludes to the fact that he struggles with depression and anxiety and some avoidance of his own (it's all over false god, afterglow, renegade, peace, hoax, slightly in the great war, etc), but the whole difference we're seeing right now in her flourishing professionally is coming directly from her being happy, healthier, and feeling secure personally. when she mentions that he gives her silence, it's that he helps calm all the outside noise and he's the one who does make her feel like a person when other things don't. everyone is always grasping at her, wanting things from her (including us), he only wants her as she is. the fact that she details conflicts where she felt at fault is because of what she was going through at those times, it's not like...she won't put blame on him, it's that there wasn't blame to place there, and she's, as she said, getting the poison out by vulnerably sharing that. her calling herself the problem isn't new (see, for example, white horse, or maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame, or maybe i asked for too much, or wish i'd never hung up the phone like i did...there are MANY examples of her detailing her issues and blaming herself, just like she has consistently written about feeling like an outsider and about depression since pre-debut). it's not like he's perfect, i'm sure they've had arguments like any long-term couple where his faults came into play, but there's also a steadiness and gentleness to him that seems to be innate (this is not only in taylor's music but commented on by many people who've worked with him too). and that closeness and balance that taylor feels is nothing she's ever had before. she could place blame previously because there was blame to put on those other men, there's a reason none of those relationships lasted and why they damaged her the way they did. having someone who makes her feel content and loved and creatively inspired doesn't mean she's hiding anything. she's been more brutally honest than she's ever been before.

also, her qualifying herself as The Problem has nothing to really do with joe, and everything to do with years of mental health difficulties and trauma and some intense self-loathing issues and the vicious criticism of the media exacerbating all of that. there are moments when she seems to really think she's irredeemable and less than a person and it's heartbreaking. the light in the midst of that is that he helps her counteract it.

#i genuinely and without hesitation believe that she believes he helped **** *** ****#(to borrow a wordle)#and the thing is it doesn't matter what anybody else might think because it's true to *her* and so is he #anonymous #letterbox #taylor swift #joe alwyn #thrown out speeches #me a person with intense depression anxiety and self-critical self-hatred issues: she should be kinder to herself 😢 i get it though

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doctorguilty · 8 months

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Mental health

I guess it wasn't all for nothing I basically just came face to face with some hard truths about the way I've been minimizing my suffering and life and a bunch of stuff, it's a bit too personal as much as I otherwise like to overshare, but it's just like the other day in therapy my therapist brought to light some very observable patterns in stuff I'd say, and confronting myself afterwards over how unhealthy it is was rough, it hit me really hard, it's not like a personal failing though it really is just.. stuff rooted in my deep sense of worthlessness.. my belief that my suffering is of lesser importance than others, etc

The other hard part to it all was talking to my partner about how it impacts my health and future and just .. spilling it all out, getting their perspective, admitting I need more help than I have ever asked for, fearing rejection as someone like me does.. a big looming thing over me is the likihood my partner may not be able to move in with me as soon as we planned (which was gonna be early next year) and like again it's personal but it's all tied together like my self worth and things blah blah blah, but just being like the way I am living I am so unhappy I have been unhappy for so long, I've never had a happy place to live, it's at the point where my physical health is worsening because of the impact mentally and I can't stay in this dark tunnel like this where I'm losing more and more every day, more energy, more health, I can't make it outdoors as much I can't draw and do art as much it's at the point where even playing video games is getting harder my brain is like, that of an animal in a tiny cage that just lies around waiting to die, I could go on, but it's going to get worse soon with seasonal depression and more chronic pain, etc.

Anyway I digress the hard truth is my situation isn't sustainable no matter how much I myself it's fine because my bar for quality of life is on the floor and I dont have the resources to make it better. I just don't. So I admitted it.. it was hard, but I am relieved because my partner loves me and does not want to see me hurt like this and pretend it's good enough. It's not. They know it's not.

So there's been some new talk of plans, what can be done if a home together is not yet possible, something other than, I just wait and try to like, keep myself alive and just accept that's the bar that's all I get, being not dead. It's perhaps a possibility to help me afford to move out of my poor environment and support me while I get my health in order and not feel incapacitated by hopelessness. I that's what we touched base on! P much! The reality of things and agreeing I need (and deserve, allegedly <- self hate moments) a better quality of life and not allowing my misery to be the best compromise.

I'm grateful to be loved by someone who wouldn't just.. flip the table over in me and tell me I'm nothing but a burden and dead weight.. I'm grateful to be something a person as wonderful as my partner feels I'm worth investing in..

We're gonna talk about it more in person soon.. and probably what I need to do is get my disability application back on the front burner (is that an expression) as much of a pain it will be to dig up 8+ years of documents I need to reference for it.. but I just think.. that is a way more sustainable life, if we can't move in together soon.. if I am not suffering in a toxic environment (for the first time ever 🥲 ) I can last for years if need be, the long distance would feel less oppressive for sure when my life isn't just a depression fog and yearning to be saved. If they can save me NOW, I will be LESS wounded and sick when we ARE living together, that's for sure.

I just like having a plan anyway. I hate stagnation. I hate this dark tunnel. The moment I got some news that made the light shot miles further again, became a pinprick of light, I spiraled downward. I've been miserable. I need to get out. I need it now, not a mystery number of years from now. But just talking about it, putting it all out there and being told, yes I will help you, I don't want to see you suffer anymore just because of circumstances changing, it felt like a weight off me. At least that is something for now..

If you read this far I'm impressed. You must be pretty invested in my life, which is flattering ;×;

#seth speaks #pda

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torturecave · 4 months

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it seems that a lot of your ships have shifted to top/dom boys mostly, bottoms/subs girls mostly. its interesting, i feel like its reflective of your relationship with avvy and such... its sweet, to see you two grow into yourselves and others like that !! but i wonder if you have any feelings for dom poppy at all ? if yes, what are they... if NO, why do you think it doesnt appeal to you anymore :o ?? i love dynamics n hearing peoples opinions on them

[personal sex-life talk so, a read more as a courtesy for you guys 😅]

Haha, so much has changed over time due to our relationship (and us) growing together... I can't help the way I do ships now — I need to connect to it and see it as 'us' in some essential way. The gender skew isn't necessarily always boy/girl (though it often is) ; more importantly, we define things by being 'Birds or Avvys'. And Bird is the seme while Avvy is the uke, such is the way we are built. We didn't always do this though, and so you had a middlezone where we both sort of related to characters... like I think Branch was a kind of 'shared' form of expression for us. It's funny to look back on now, but also cute, we were still playing together...❤

This is why I say, even if I feel embarrassed about some old stuff, I have to understand that it embodies what I felt at the time, and there's unique euphoria in the past. [scratches nose] Especially considering that once we were getting more 'serious' than a couple hook ups, I became Avvy's sub. (Though I was still like, in the role of fingering / humping etc., that's just always been the preference lol.) Even if that changed eventually, the early parts of our dynamic was reliant on Avvy taking charge and moving us forward.

Back then, I wasn't confident to be in the position of dom, as around when I met Avvy I was in quite a low place with my self-esteem and mental health. In a state of recovery, as I was still coming out of some bad times.. I needed a lot of caretaking and encouragement, which I would say isn't so dissimilar to what our 'bb branch AU' was focused on — being taken under a cool older girl's wing haha, helped from depression and isolation, kissed better. <- Not to get too fiddly with details, but this art actually came before my subbing... wait, maybe before we ever had sex kfkfjhg so... I wasn't self-aware how much I was expressing my desires at the time.

That being said, it means when I made that art, I lacked a lot of tangible experience, so I didn't really know what my preferences would be. A lot was 'hypothetical'... I knew I liked things, nebulously, but maybe not sure whether I'd prefer to be on the receiving end or not. [glances...] And when you're a soft-spoken, passive, people-pleasing guy IRL, it feels like the most logical conclusion would to being dominated or something? Sure, I will be good boy, bark bark.

The funny thing is HISTORICALLY... I've actually been a dom in past relationships, and Avvy's been a sub — so I think we headed towards our natural conclusions, over time. As I recovered and became more confident, and had someone to figure myself out with, a lot clicked. Things became less 'maybe I would be into that? idk' and more defined by, this is something I'm absolutely into. In fact I'm so into it, I want to do this, and nothing else...

ALL THAT TO SAY!! I can't get into a dom Poppy, as that is no longer what I want to see from her. Part of the 'why' would be that it's not something I can inhabit? Which is key in shipping and art for me, I need to connect to it, as I mentioned. It's almost like... if I saw a depiction of a dom Poppy nowadays, I'd be like 'eh I don't see it'... Genuinely just can't grock it.

But I want to clarify, I'm still attracted to all her playful rowdy traits, I like the way she pushes Branch's buttons, all that good stuff. She's wonderful, she's forward, she still overwhelms and steamrolls, she's a whirlwind of energy. I think it's all essential aspects of Poppy still. It's just that the 'conclusion' I see for those behaviors has shifted.

Basically I feel like, a girl can be all those things, and subsequently be a manic excitable sub. Which is fun to think about!! In fact, it's quite enticing to get a girl like that on her knees. Reduce her, have her bent over and whining... [Sorry to take you into my basic straight guy brain.]

She can still give Branch a run for his money, like yank his chain around a bit, that's fun. That's like the core of their chemistry you know, Branch needs to be challenged... It's good for him lol. But I suppose I see it now as being baited almost, spurred to be forward in response. My wife vibes the term sasoi uke and I'm often like [nods stoically.] It's.......... fun to be tempted, you know? lol...

Anyways that's enough rambling, hope this was an interesting read. 😷

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wasionlymadetocry · 5 months

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The troubled teen industry isn't anything new. In fact, I think it's more well-known than it's ever been in the past. It seems like everyone I know has had their own experiences within it. Somehow their's seem worse than mine ever was. Does that make mine worth less? Or is that just another way of thinking that got me placed in psychiatric care in the first place?

The first time I was ever admitted to a mental health facility was when I was twelve. I was in sixth grade, and my birthday had only recently passed. When my family had come home from eating out that night, I found a razor. The type you use for construction. I remember staying up way later than I usually did, and I self-harmed for the first time.

I was scared. Scared of the blood, of consequences, of the relief it brought. I don't think I hid for very long before I broke down and told someone. My friends knew I was sad, but not depressed I don't think. I told our little group at the lunch table, and by the end of fifth period I was in the guidance counselor's office.

My counselor was kind, but the school officer legally required to be in the room was not. She acted like the whole ordeal was a waste of time. That it would have been easier to have called the cops and have me Baker Acted. My counselor wanted to call my parents. Have them pick me up, take me home, and have me voluntarily admitted. A supposedly far less traumatizing experience than the former. I suppose it was.

It was exceedingly difficult to get ahold of my parents that day, which just made the cop more and more irritated at me. My mother works from home and was in a meeting when I tried to call her. Even after being told it was an emergency, it was still more important that she finished her stupid work call. My father didn't answer the phone either. But he listened to my guidance counselor's voicemail and immediately called back. At least it seemed like one parent prioritized me over work.

All of my times in the system are so jumbled up I can't remember what details belong to which visit. I'm pretty sure for my first-ever visit I went almost right away. I was admitted to a psychiatric unit in a local hospital, and then I was trapped there for five days. Those visits never really help much. You spend more time in the emergency room going through the process of being admitted than talking to a therapist once you're on the unit.

All I ever did in that unit was sit around and wait for the doctor to say I was healthy enough to go home. It was a never-ending cycle of waking up, eating breakfast, doing fake school work, having lunch, going to our rooms for quiet hour, doing jack shit until dinner, having dinner, visitation hours, showering, then sleeping. And you do that every fucking day without change until you're not anywhere close to stable enough to go home but they don't want you any longer.

You sleep in a shitty bed, in a cold room, with no comfort other than the thought that maybe you're a little bit more sane than the kid in the bedroom across from yours. You have the endless discomfort of being on medications that fuck up your body, and that everyone will look at you like you're going to snap once you go back to your everyday life.

All of my friends decided they didn't want me to be around anymore. For the first time in my life, I had absolutely nobody. And it would remain that way for 10 more years. And my depression would only get more and more severe over that decade. There's so much more to it that takes so long to discuss, and takes even longer to put into eligible words.

maybe one day i will

#mental health #troubled teen industry #tw depressing stuff #tw mentions of self harm #not beta read #ignore any typos

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jackinalex · 8 months

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I cannot understate just how much TMIA coming out this year when it did helped me so much mentally. I was feeling probably my most depressed in a long time and it made basically every song resonate with me in some way, I had the title song looped for a couple weeks (the MV form no less so I could occasionally just check up on it and see it as I love it) if it had come out even just a month earlier or later it wouldn't have stuck as much with me. But I attached myself to this album and got the strongest obsession I ever had with ATL, and bare in mind I already liked them for around 5 years, not even just like casually, but this year they jumped from "pretty good" to "help me I have an obsession I am playing with Jalex Sims for months straight and listening to every album dozens of times over (except LYR my favorite album to hate on) watching STD 1 and 2 (why are those the appropriations was that on purpose) and buying shirts as I had like 2 before. I think I need another " to end this, and overall just catapulting the band from within my top ten to right up to #4. Even my complaining about Alex's hair or my struggles with finding photos or clips I want, I wouldn't trade any of it for all of it helping me so much mentally. I am way better now, obviously not JUST because of ATL, but being the majority factor in my recreational free time mental health upgrade. Embarrassingly I skipped getting actual therapy as my Jalex sims and fanfics I've read just helped me that much. Yeah I'm obsessed, but I'm happy, and my problems have gotten better, and I still love TMIA, but I also still love Dirty Work with all my heart and objectively maybe I still like Dirty Work more, but TMIA is like RIGHT NOW my favorite. I can complain about Alex's hair for hours sure, but I can also just obsess for even more hours, and my friends may not fully understand my ramblings, but they're just happy that I'm happy. And I am happy, 6 months ago I couldn't have said that I was.

I'm so happy that you've had this experience! It's a cliche, but music is so healing. Not to turn this into a me story, but I know exactly what you mean. In 2019, I was the most depressed I'd ever been. I felt like life had just completely wrung me out. But then, SKOD came out in early 2020 and it was like I was just completely pulled out of that dark place. Like I was hanging off of a cliff and losing my grip and then one of the guys reached down and grabbed my hand, and they all pulled me to safety. I know that sounds literally insane, but it's the truth. Having something to love so fiercely can outweigh the bad shit and I think that's just beautiful. Once again, I'm happy for you and so proud of you for getting out of that.

#i love you guys and i want only good things for all of you #kalina answers #atl

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yearofradicalselfbelief · 8 months

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Part Two - 10/09/23

CW: discussions of anxiety and depression.

Days after posting my last post, I was struck down with what I’m 90% sure is the new severe variant of everybody’s favourite virus. I’ve had it twice before – the first time I was a bit tired and a bit warm, and that was it. The second time I was a little bit worse, and it turns out the third time is not the charm because this time I genuinely thought I was going to fucking die. I couldn’t sip water without puking it up, which made it worse because not only could I then not take any painkillers to help with the insane fever, I couldn’t take my mental health meds either. Even once there was nothing in my stomach I was still puking, I ended up being able to stomach one meal in three days, and I lost well over five pounds in five days, through sheer inability to keep food down/how much my body was burning through its stores to try and get rid of this thing.

I’ve never been so sick in my fucking life, my brother was the same, and by day four we were like weary soldiers in the trenches, trading war stories and swapping electrolyte tablets and paracetamol for morale. But it wasn’t all bad – she says now that she’s not spending the bulk of her day hunched over a bin – because in the midst of the fever, when I was feeling too dire to sleep but also too dire to do literally anything but curl up on my bed in silence, I was pretty much at the mercy of wherever my mind took me, without any of the layers of stuff we tend to have when we’re awake and alert that self-edits those streams of consciousness based on shit like ego and what we think we should be thinking.

Full disclosure, though, I’m well aware of how *fake deep* this is about to sound, but it’s what my brain gave me as I floated through it.

I saw myself as being made up of three sort of parts – one of those parts being real, and two being things foisted upon me, that I carried around, but weren’t real. The first part, the outermost part, was this sort of anxious, shrinking meek little dormouse that wanted nothing less than to be noticed in any way, shape, or form. That’s who I default to being in most cases – it’s like a security blanket. The next part is one layer below, but it’s no less disingenuous – and that’s a whole lot of bitterness and defensiveness and cynicism. The depression to the first part’s anxiety.

Then, after that, is actually me. The person who just wants to learn everything she can, and do her best, and live. The person who has to fight through those two layers to manage any of that in the first place. It sounds daft writing it down, but it just was a moment of such clarity, and there was a lot of relief in sort of realising that these first two aspects were things that I’d learned, or had been foisted upon me – either directly, by people who are or once were in my life, or indirectly - adopted in response to shit I’ve been through. It doesn’t make them any easier to put down, but there was a relief in that realisation on its own.

The thing is, I’ve always been anxious, and I’ve always been depressed. When I was a kid, I regularly had fainting spells because of it, including one in the middle of a class, long before I’d even first heard the word “anxiety”, much less being aware that it was a formal diagnosis. It took countless doctor visits and blood tests being done before anybody even thought to turn to the possibility that the cause could be mental, and not physical. Even as far as the depression was concerned, by the time I was ten, it wasn’t uncommon for one of my parents to find me lying on my bed, in silence, in the dark, and when they asked me what I was doing I’d simply say that I felt fed up, because I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe something that I should have been much too young to feel.

It's not like they’re new things that I suddenly find myself having to get over. It’s not as if they’re new hurdles. I just don’t remember a time when they didn’t actively stop me from doing things as much as they seem to do now. I don’t remember always being this sort of shy, shrinking, nervous little thing that I suddenly feel like I am now, and I’m not okay with being that person any longer. It’s not me, and I know it’s not me, but it’s a mask I can never quite manage to drop when it automatically slots itself into place, and it’s fucking unbearable.

I’ve always been scared, and I always joke about how many years anxiety has probably taken off of my life at this point, but I used to be so, so much better at acting in spite of that. Even before I finally found a doctor who listened to me and medicated me. Now it feels like I never do act in spite of it, at least not to the extent I’d like to, and it gets the better of me more than I’d like. And then I’m harsher on myself than I once was over that fact.

To an extent, it is understandable. A hell of a lot of shit has happened to me between now and then, and if anything, the way it’s gotten worse is natural. I think few people could’ve gone through what I’ve gone through and handled it as well as I have, even if I’m critical of how well I have handled it based on some pretty unrealistic expectations of myself. But I feel like the more I let it get the better of me, the more I allow it to control me, the more I concede victory to every asshole who contributed to its worsening over the last eight years.

The funny part is, too, I can honestly say that I’m happy all of it happened. Not in a “woo, let’s throw a party about it” way – but in that I’m in a place where I can say I learned from all of it, I can see why it had to happened, and I wouldn’t want to part from a single lesson I learned from it all. It also ended up with me in a much healthier situation than I was once in, in a city that is far better for me than my old one. It could not have worked out better, now that I’m on the other side of it, as far as external factors are concerned.

It's just the internal ones that need addressing. When I moved here, I started exhibiting signs of C-PTSD – which, again, is unsurprising. My last therapist dead ass said to me “you’ve spent your whole life being shoved from trauma to trauma”, and she told me that before she broke the news to me that the one parent I had left in my life was abusive as fuck, and the only reason I hadn’t seen it yet was because the other had been so much more obvious about it that they made the one still around look like a saint in comparison – whereas they were actually more insidious. The homelessness then followed about a year later. So I think I more than fucking earned those symptoms. And I let myself have a year to just breathe and recover and exist without harassing myself to do better and be better and find better. But now I feel like I’ve finally woken up, and it’s time to start moving forward, and finding a way of doing that isn’t as simple as clicking my fingers and letting all of the mental shit vanish.

A goal without a plan is just a dream. I think that’s how the saying goes. I’ve seen it plastered around Instagram enough times, I should probably know for sure by now. Or at least not be too lazy to google it and find out – but I don’t want to mess up my algorithm with that. Next thing you know, the search engine will be recommending Live, Laugh, Love pillows to me. There’s no coming back from that sort of thing.

Anyway, my original point stands. It’s all well and good for me to make a fancy new side blog and decide things are going to magically be different, but sheer force of willpower without actually changing anything won’t do much good, and this little resolution will fizzle out into one of those typical ‘it’s 2am and I’m going to revamp my entire life’ moments.

So I need to decide how I’m going to do that, and next time I post it'll be with the game-plan that I'm working on. I need to decide how I’m going to actually start fucking rooting for myself and believing in myself again. And it’s not going to be easy.

But I deserve it, and it’s going to be worth it.

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nanowrimo · 2 years

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Inspiring Hope in Youth Through Stories: An Interview with Author Rose Brock

Every author hopes to inspire and impact their audiences. Author, editor and NaNoWriMo Board Member, Rose Brock, shares about her new anthology, Hope Wins, which strives to inspire hope in kids through inspiring stories.

Reports of youth depression, anxiety, and general struggles with mental health are devastating. Dr. Rose Brock, Ph.D, an educator, author, editor, and literary organizer, set out to put together a collection of stories about hope in order to uplift and inspire the youth.

This collection, Hope Wins, pulls "personal stories and essays, award-winning and bestselling artists from Matt de la Peña and Veera Hiranandani to Max Brallier and R.L. Stine write about how hope always wins, even in the darkest of times." Read this inspiring interview about the book, and the motivations behind its creation.

Q: Tell us about the background of the book. Why did you put together Hope Wins? Why does the world need this book?

A: For the two decades I worked as an 8th grade ELA teacher and a middle school librarian, there were so many times I wanted to find a way to help my students feel connected to others and less alone because life can be really hard and isolating at times. Because it’s what worked for me, I tried to do that through books. I don’t necessarily believe a novel will solve all the world’s ills, but I do know that through the sharing of stories, we have the ability to help readers see others and to be seen in return; I can’t think of a better way to capture and share the human condition.

Fiction often does for us organically, and it’s where I’m regularly drawn as a reader, but from those twenty years working in public schools, I also learned the power of sharing non-fiction with young people. In addition to the many celebrated novels in both my classroom library and school library, sometimes my students were looking for inspiring stories that were true. In the earlier years of my career, I often turned to books like Chicken Soup for the Soul to encourage them. While I’m still not sure just how “real” those books were, they were important and inspirational to many. What I learned from those collections was that books that are filled with real life experiences and shared lessons have an opportunity to profound difference to a young person.

Since the publication of my YA hope focused first anthology, Hope Nation, teachers and librarians have generously told me how much they personally loved that first collection, but how they wished there was one for the younger students with whom they work. Between these requests and knowing the difficulties faced by young people these past two+ years due to the pandemic (and let’s face it—just life), this seemed to be the right time to collect more hopeful stories by authors young people admire.

Hope Wins is technically a collection of inspiring stories for young readers, but I would argue it’s a book for all readers who need a shot of hope, regardless of age. It’s my hope it will do just that—make a profound difference to any reader that needs a shot of hope. My Hope Wins (and Hope Nation) anthologies are also what I call “Projects for Good” because besides sharing personal stories from beloved MG and YA writers, they benefit organizations and charities that I believe matter. As an educator, Hope Wins is the book I wish had existed over the years to give to the young people in my life that were struggling to say, “You can do this. You are strong. You can capable. You are enough. You can hang your heart on hope”.

Q: Can you tell us about your background and what role hope has played in what you do—as a librarian, the founder of a book festival, and a NaNoWriMo board member?

A: I’ve been an educator for all of my professional life. As I mentioned, I was a classroom teacher and school librarian for two decades. After finishing my Ph.D., I transitioned to academia. In all of these places, sharing stories have always been the foundation for my personal hope, and I believe they can work magic in and build hope in others. I believe the quest for hope is both active and at times, an act of resistance—choosing where you focus your efforts and being intentional with what you do. Whether it is teaching, my service to NTTBF (the North Texas Teen Book Festival), or NaNoWriMo, I’m always guided by the knowledge that passion and service lead me to hope.

Q: We're just now seeing devastating reports about how much kids have suffered and are suffering mentally. Depression, self-harm and suicide are rising at alarming rates among American adolescents, spanning racial and ethnic groups, urban and rural areas and the socioeconomic divide. Does hope play a different role for a middle-grade child than it might an adult? Is hope a scarce resource these days?

A: Even those the world often feels overwhelming, I don’t think it’s hopeless. I think the reason I’m so passionate about promoting literacy with and for young people is because I absolutely know stories can change lives (they certainly changed mine). In all my years of working with kids, I repeatedly saw it happen first-hand. No matter a child’s background or even the obstacles they face, books have the power to help readers escape, grow, think, care, connect, and see more for themselves than their current circumstances. It may seem cliched, but I genuinely believe books have the ability to nurture and grow hope in young people (really in all of us), and I also think all people (especially young people) can become better, kinder people by engaging with stories—they feed our humanity and help us feel hopeful so I’m not really use if it plays a different role; I just know it’s vital to us all.

Q: How did you go about choosing the contributors?

A: If I’d had my way, there would have been at least twice as many authors in this collection, but the reality of such a collection requires a limited number so I started by really thinking about who are the authors I knew kids genuinely love (as is the nature of such projects, a few got away due to their other deadlines). It was also essential to me that the collection was inclusive because I needed any kid reading the collection to be able to find someone that reminded them of themselves. From there, I invited folks to participate, and I worked with each of my contributors (or Team Hope as I call them) individually to help them decide what they wanted to focus on in their story. In some cases, the participating authors had a keen sense of what personal experiences they wanted to hone in on; in others, I worked more closely by asking questions that made them really open their memory chests and search for moments that might be ripe for hope harvesting.

Q: What are some of the sources of hope in the book that you found particularly powerful?

A: I genuinely love all of the contributions to the collection, but one of the things I genuinely am happiest with is that in regard to “topics”, the contributions are quite varied, yet they still feel familiar (that’s where the hope comes in). Newbery Honor winner Christina Soontornvat’s piece “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in a Thai Restaurant” shares the many hopeful lessons she learned from working from a very young age in her family’s restaurant in rural Texas. It's so heartfelt and even humorous. Speaking of funny, Max Brallier, author of the middle grade bestselling The Last Kids on Earth series shares his touching and hilarious antics of being a new kid at school and trying to fly under the radar until the day his father (an author of a series of unusual cookbooks) arrived to pick him up in an actual Oscar Meyer Hot Dog car (which makes invisibility pretty much impossible). Beyond these two selections, the other contributions inspire me in so many ways. Some of the other selections share universal experiences of how to work through feeling like an outcast, how to survive loss, how to choose your how you want to be known, even how to find your life’s inspiration, and more. While each story is unique, they all are earnest, touching, and true.

Q: What's your favorite reader response?

A: I don’t that I have one favorite yet but here are some that touched my heart.

“If ever there was a ‘right book at the right time’ . . . this collection of stories around the theme of hope is it. . . .” - Blogger ProseandKahn

"An absolute gift to middle grade readers. . . . I love this anthology because it inspires hope in the face of struggles that are relatable to this age group - insecurity, bullies, feeling different, rejection, loss - while legitimizing how hard this time of life can be. ~Instragramer WeReadLikeThat

“The success of this collection lies in its breadth and depth of understanding, as the personalities and writing styles of the included authors envelop the reader. With contributors ranging from Tom Angleberger and Gordon Korman to Veera Hiranandani and Matt de la Peña, the collection's chapters comprise a diversity of backgrounds and styles while bringing home the reality that though hard times and circumstances challenge everyone, hope can be nurtured in all hearts. Bibliotherapy in small doses.” ~Beth Rosania for Booklist

Rose Brock, Ph.D. is a veteran educator and specialist in literature for young people who spent twenty years as a public school educator working as a language arts teacher and a school librarian. She now works as an associate professor in the Department of Library Science and Technology at Sam Houston State University. As a classroom teacher, Rose was selected by the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum as a Mandel fellow, and as a school librarian, she was awarded the Siddie Joe Johnson Award for Outstanding Service to Youth by the Texas Library Association. She is the author of the textbook, Young Adult Literature in Action: A Librarian’s Guide, and editor of the young adult anthology, Hope Nation: Young Adult Authors Share Personal Moments of Inspiration.

Rose is also the co-founder of the ALA award-winning North Texas Teen Book Festival. In addition to her work on NTTBF, Rose has been a tireless advocate for using audiobooks as tools for literacy and is co-founder of the national literacy initiative Guys Listen, a part of the Guys Read literacy national program. Rose’s publications Hope Wins: A Collection of Inspiring Stories for Young Readers and Sound Advice: An Audiobook Selection Handbook for Library Collections is currently available. For more information, please visit https://www.drrosebrock.com/.

#nanowrimo #writing #amwriting #author interview #by nano guest #rose brock

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my-excellent-bicycle · 11 months

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dailymotion

John Robins - "The Darkness of Robins" (2017)

I started listening to Elis James and John Robins' radio show around two months ago, and a recurring quality I noticed was the level of vulnerability that occasionally shined through in their banter, especially from John. Most of the time it's light stuff about what they did that week, or talk about topics I really couldn't care less about (like snooker), but other times John would give updates on his mental health. Some examples I'd heard in the past few weeks were him improving his workout regimen and trying new health items like Chinese herbs, going on a weekend meditation retreat that left him sobbing in a Turkish restaurant, and going out to the pub with his "gal pals" to celebrate his birthday, which also involved tears being shed.

Because it was a BBC radio program whose content could only be stretched so far beyond "family-friendly" territory, I always got the sense John would probably recount his experiences a bit differently if not for the format of the show. He's alluded to long-standing struggles with depression and alcoholism, and the willingness to approach these topics in a very matter-of-fact manner made me respect him immensely. Although I couldn't help but feel there were other avenues where he'd explore these issues with a more raw approach, outside the confines of a BBC radio show.

Which brings me to The Darkness of Robins. I've heard some talk about this special in the past, specifically about how it was vaguely depressing, and that it won an award at the Edinburgh Fringe that year, but I've never properly given it a watch until today.

Okay, a bit of a personal insert here, which I don't typically do on this blog, but trust me it's relevant: a few months ago, I was seeing someone. He was a guy who I'd been talking to on and off for a while, but we'd never actually went on proper dates on a consistent basis until last summer. I was 23, and this was the first taste I've ever had of a serious relationship, since being closeted in high school/college basically prevented me from dating, and my home life only sealed that deal. But this was different. We did almost everything couples our age would do. He accepted me for who I was, regardless of how I presented myself that day, or if I was feeling down. I was beginning to think, this could be the real deal. I was so lucky to have him. This felt special.

After a couple months, around December, I started having doubts about how he was feeling. Surely by now, seeing as we'd been together for half a year, he'd want to make it official right? Every time I'd want to allude to the question, he'd either hesitate or put off answering it directly. The only time I directly asked him if he wanted to make things official, he said we should wait until he's finished going through the paperwork for his new apartment, which should be done by February. I took this at face value, but it still made me anxious. It didn't help that he went away with his family for two weeks over Christmas, during which we barely talked at all, and every possibility ran through my head.

When he came back, we met up and had dinner, and he came over mine. I debated on whether I should even bring up the question again, since he'd already told me to basically wait till February, and I didn't want to annoy him or sound desperate. But I bit the bullet and asked again, and this time he told me flat out he didn't want a relationship.

He explained how he wasn't in a place in his life where he could have a healthy relationship, and emotionally laid out some issues in his past, relating to his ex, and therapy he had growing up. I of course understood, assured him I wasn't mad, and I let him out. For the following few days, he would check in on me through text, where I'd do my best to hide the fact I was deeply hurt by his decision. After a few days, I said that I'd want time to myself, and he understood, and that was the last time we talked.

The way this whole ordeal played out still never left my mind, and the more time passed, the more I felt led on and I never got over him, even months later. Everything I'd do, whether it was going out to eat, seeing concerts, or even watching Britcom and blogging about it, were just distractions from thinking about him. Two weeks ago, we'd stopped talking for around four months, and I made the fatal mistake of checking his Instagram for the first time since. I saw his arm around a girl. I read the caption, it had a hashtag, "girlfriend." Shit.

I was livid. Then I felt betrayed, and then destroyed. I couldn't help but think there was something wrong with me. What couldn't I offer in those six months that he flaked out on me, yet she could offer that made him want to make her his girlfriend in only three? All my years of self-loathing, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness suddenly flooded my brain. I might have snapped at a few friends who were trying to listen to me. I wasn't happy with anything.

I've calmed down since that initial reaction, but the disbelief and negative emotions are still very much present, which brings me to today, and when I put on The Darkness of Robins. In short, this special revolves around John's breakup with his then-fiancee Sara Pascoe, and his ensuing depression and slip into alcoholism. Right from the beginning, John really wants you to know that his brain isn't functioning healthily. Rather than confronting his problems, he'd just slide further into more self-loathing and sadness, and desperately clinging onto a past which can't be recovered. There's images of rotting apples, rivers of tears falling into a toilet, screaming into mirrors. Even the jokes, y'know, the whole reason this is special is even called "comedy," are delivered as such that when you think about them for a second too long, they become more harrowing and sad than hilarious.

At points it felt like a dozen punches to my stomach. Watching John yell to the crowd, during at times even staring down the camera for what felt like centuries, as he plotted out his despair and anxiousness, felt like looking in a mirror. It felt cathartic watching him describe the hopelessness of regaining love once it's lost. Yes, I recognize both of us experienced extremely different degrees of pain, but the same emotions are there, and it's something anyone who's went through any sense of romantic loss or longing can relate to. He so accurately described what it feels like to feel such strong self-hatred that it snowballs from the most mundane things, like shopping for cabinets at IKEA.

I won't spoil the entire thing of course, but the last ten minutes of this special is something that'll stick with me for a very long time. John laying out the slow, agonizing process of his breakup was heartbreaking to witness, and it's structured so masterfully that I'm surprised he hadn't thought of turning it into a novel with that level of detail.

When it ended, I felt numb, and reflected on my own emotions. And then I remembered the present version of John Robins I regularly hear on his radio show every week, and think about how the John I just watched was from several years ago. For reasons I can't articulate entirely, it did give me some hope that it won't always be like this. Maybe these emotions can be managed appropriately, and with time. As the cliche goes, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

There was a particular moment near the last third of the special that stuck out to me. Looking down the camera, John pulled from his inner monologue, saying he realized that "every mistake you've ever made in your life is because of you." At this point in the show, we see this bit as a way John drives the point home that he's been in a cycle of self-loathing for a very long time. But weirdly enough, I interpreted it in a weirdly optimistic way. If every mistake you've made is your own doing, then there shouldn't be anything stopping you from trying to change for the better.

And that's the sense I get from listening to John in 2023. Little adjustments, whether it's getting deep into a workout or trying Chinese herbs, can make a difference. Maybe this will inspire me to try making small changes to my life, in the hopes I'll be able to improve.

But yeah, you should watch The Darkness of Robins, it’s free in its entirety at that link. But maybe approach with caution if you’ve recently had your heart broken.

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mapleleavesart · 1 year

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Oh You’re Warm Blooded? Great, Welcome to Being My Personal Heat Pack

Mikey x Yokai OC (Mei)

Word Count: 2258

Content warnings: fluff, a freezing cold-blooded turtle, kissing, fluff, cuddling, Mikey's hands get placed over/around Mei's stomach/waist cause he feels like a corpse, concerns about mental health/ implied depression, do any of these really need to be warned about? Probably not but imma state it anyways

Was going outside in the dead of winter a bad idea? Yeah, probably. The four turtle brothers only ever went out for snow days in the first few weeks of cold, snowy weather, just enough to get a taste before holing up inside and brumating for the worst of NYC’s winter. Even when they did leave, all of them had several jackets on. And they were only out for a few hours at a time, lest they start slowing down and go into brumation early. Did they have to huddle together under the heat lamp for hours afterwards to recover? Yep. Did Mikey tell anyone he was leaving?

… Well, he told Pops and Draxum he was going out (they were sharing a pot of tea; nobody else was to be seen). They told him to put on an extra jacket, stay safe, don’t be too long or go too far, etc. Parental fretting. You know how it is.

Did Mikey leave the lair anyways, simply because he wanted to see his most favorite person ever?

Also yeah.

The Hidden City didn’t get snow. Natural snow, that is. Sometimes the witches from Witch Town cast weather spells to mimic the surface’s weather, or for certain festivities. Not today, thankfully. That didn’t make the underground cavern any less cold though.

Mikey shivered. His right hand was tucked into his coat pocket while the other held steaming-hot cocoa, he had a beanie on his head, and nearly every piece of winter clothing he had in his closet on. His breath lingered in the air like he was a fog machine

But Mei was enjoying herself, so he wouldn’t say anything.

“Ooh~ sparkly.” Speak of.

Mikey stopped to look at the store window the Qilin was looking through. Many pieces of jewelry were on display, all beautiful in their own ways. Kinda like people. “Something catch your eye?” He asked.

“Well, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have stopped and gone ‘ooh, sparkly!’” Mei retorted with an eyeroll and small snort . Her lavender scales glinted in the cold light. It was mesmerizing. He forced his gaze away and back to the display.

“Anything worth taking a closer look at?” He asked. Sure, girls typically loved jewelry and sometimes impulse-bought pretty things, but Mei was pretty good at thinking things through.

Mei gave a small hum. “No. They’re pretty to look at, but I don’t need any more,” she decided. She turned from the shop window and continued walking. Mikey followed. Mei took a sip of her drink- hot cider of some kind. Her muted orange turtleneck sweater hung off her frame, loose and thick and soft-looking and probably very huggable. Thick, beige pants that most certainly were fleece-lined were plaid-striped with various shades of coffee with various amounts of creamer. The pastel colors made her teal eyes really pop. “So, conversations,” Mei started, knocking him out of his thoughts of ‘i’m cold but she’s beautiful i don't want to leave but i’m freezing down here, holy shell-’

“Mhmm?”

“How are you doing? Mentally, I mean,” she added as an afterthought.

“Oh, I’m fine,” Mikey answered, giving her a small smile.

“You sure?” She tilted her head at him, voice and eyes softening. “You’ve been awfully quiet today. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I’m not majoring in psychology without good reason,”

Oh. Had she really noticed his quietness? Was it that obvious?

“Oh, I’m not- no, I mean-” Mikey took a deep breath to calm his flustered heart. He focused on the soft clip-clop of Mei’s hooves. “Yes. I know you’re here for me if I need to talk. No, it’s not that. I’m good, really, it’s just…” Mikey shrugged, “...cold.”

“Cold,” Mei repeated. She looked around the street. Most Yokai were still inside, but a few were out and about, hurrying from one destination to another. “Not… sad, bored, upset, or exhausted?”

Mikey hummed his agreement, taking another sip of his sweet hot chocolate. “And it has nothing to do with you, I swear,” he added oh-so-helpfully.

Her head tilted the other way. He spared a glance at her. How was she not cold? The tips of her ears looked paler than normal. Her eyes flicked up and down his body. Her scaled eyebrows furrowed. “But you’re dressed up in, like, ten more layers than I am. How are that cold? How’s that work?”

The question wasn’t demeaning or rude, just genuine and curious and worried and without harm.

Mikey turned his face up towards where the sky was supposed to be. “Cold blood," he shrugged. "You know how it is."

Mei stopped again. This time to stare at him like he grew a second head. "No, I don't," she blinked. Then held a hand up, palm forward, "wait, backtrack, you're cold blooded?"

Mikey also stopped and also stared. The realization smacked him in the face. "You're not!?"

"You are?!"

"I'm a reptile, of course I'm cold blooded! How are you not?"

"Most Yokai are warm blooded! I never would have asked you to come out in the cold if I had known!" She made her cup float and reached for him. "Show me your hands,"

Mikey obliged, taking his hand out of his pocket and resting it on one of hers. She lifted it closer to her snout and turned it supination- palm up.

“Spirits, your fingers are almost blue! Why didn’t you say anything?” Mei demanded in an oddly motherly tone, wrapping her own hands around his. Her hands were so warm… no wonder she wasn’t as cold as he was.

“You were enjoying yourself… I didn’t want to ruin it!”

“You could’ve said something!” She shot back, tone now creeping toward concern. “This is very worrying! We can go shopping some other time, we could’ve stayed inside! I don’t want you to just- I don’t know, drop to the floor in brumation like you’re dead or something,” she rubbed his hand as if trying to get his blood flowing again. Because that would help.

“Sorry,” Mikey apologized. “But I didn’t want you to feel bad for accommodating me. I want to spend time with you. I wanted to make you happy, ‘cause when you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Mei let out a little whimper-like noise, or perhaps it was a coo? “Mikey…” her expression couldn’t land on an emotion. She opened her mouth to say something but stopped when Mikey shivered again, and she stopped herself. “Here, let’s get out of the middle of the walkway.” Mei didn’t let go of his hand and dragged him over to a nearby bench. Her cider followed her in the air. She sat down, her long tail curled to outline the spot next to her, and tugged him down next to her.

Mikey of course obeyed, because who was he to deny her?

Mei wrapped her arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Her tail plopped itself into his lap, a comforting, heavy weight. Mikey could feel a tug on his mug- his previously only source of heat- as Mei’s magic pulled it out of his hand. It watched it go up to hover alongside hers. “You’d better not mix those up, hot cocoa is sacred,”

“Don’t worry, I won’t. Should I ask Shangti to come pick us up? I’m sure he won’t mind taking us - well, you - back to the manor. Or I could carry you back. Or levitate us back-”

“Shangti have a car or s’mthing?”

“... a what?”

“Carrying it is then.”

~~~

Ten minutes later and they were drifting down from the air. The Tian Manor stood below them, seated on a cliff overlooking the rest of the Hidden City. He’d never been inside before- at least, outside of the times where he snuck onto Mei’s bedroom balcony just to see her, back when they were still a secret.

The building itself was almost 100 feet tall with three floors and ionic columns made of white marble marching up the sides. The walls were made of dark green stone- malachite, if he remembered from Mei’s history ramble- with a marble-like swirl pattern within it. They went through the front doors, through a mud room, and entered a huge foyer. They went under the landing of the two giant staircases circling the foyer.

“You have such a pretty house…” Mikey murmured, his voice muffled from his nose being tucked into his jacket and pressed against Mei’s front from the way he was being princess-carried.

“Glad you think so. Hopefully you’ll be ‘round here more often from now on. You know, when you decide against freezing to death.”

“Oh, please, it’s not that cold. At worst my heart stops beating for a while and I go comatose for a few days.”

He was promptly dropped onto a couch. “Sorry. What?”

“Box turtle thing,” Mikey exclaimed, making himself comfortable against the armrest. Mei disappeared from his sight, presumably to find some blankets or something. Their cups still floated in the air.

The mutant took the chance to examine whatever room he was in. The couch faced something that looked like it might be the Yokai version of a TV. Closer to him was a coffee table a shade lighter than the dark red-brown leather of the couch. Underneath the screen was a fireplace. Over to his left was something akin to a pool table.

“Game room?” He guessed.

“Hm? Oh, I suppose you could call it that. We call it the den,” Mei replied, popping back into sight with a bundle of rich, emerald green throw blankets. She helped him wrap himself up comfortably until it felt like he couldn’t move. Then she helped him free his arms so he could drink his now-room-temperature chocolate.

Mei, the solution to all of his problems today, crouched down by the fireplace and cast a small fireball spell. The hearth bursted into dancing yellow flames. His cocoa was once again torn from his grip and went to hover by the fire to reheat it.

Mei sat down next to his blanket burrito and took his hands. “You feel like a corpse,” she noted.

“Happens to the best of us,” he replied with a small smile. She gave him a look before scooting closer. She took his hands and pressed them against her sides, under her sweater and against her scaly skin. Her elbows tucked against his hands to keep them in place.

Mikey’s eyes widened. Holy shell she was so warm. Is this what warm blooded creatures felt like all the time?!

He felt Mei’s muscles stiffen. He glanced up at her face to see it scrunched up, probably in effort not to recoil from his undoubtedly cold hands. He was pretty sure he was making a weird face too.

“What, never touched a corpse before?” Mikey tried to joke. It was Mei’s turn to shiver. Mikey was pretty sure he was blushing, if that was even possible.

“Miguel,” the yokai scolded. “Enough with the death jokes. They’re not funny.”

To you, he thought. Out loud, he apologized. “Sorry. Leo must be rubbing off on me.”

Mei huffed. Mikey shifted how his hands were positioned. It could've been ten seconds or a minute or an hour before he managed to compose himself enough to mumble, "your scales are soft,"

"... Thanks."

Mei didn't meet his gaze, but her cheeks were darker than they were supposed to be.

"What, I can't compliment my gorgeous girlfriend?"

Mei's face darkened further. It was adorable. "You warm yet?" She asked to avoid the question.

"Hm… mostly. My lips are still a little cold," he started, blinking up at her innocently, "care to help me with that?"

Oh, if only he could record the look she gave him. It made him want to giggle like they were fifteen all over again. So he did. And in the process of that, he pulled Mei by her waist so the Yokai flopped into him with a strangled yelp of surprise.

"ACK- Mikey!" She complained, wiggling against his hold. But alas, he was a building-thrower and the most Mei worked out was when she practiced her archery. Within a second Mikey had one arm wrapped firmly around her torso, pressing her against him now. Mei quickly gave up and lay limp against his plastron. Her tail flopped around clumsily behind her.

Mikey pulled out his most charming grin. "Can I get my daily dose of kisses now, my love?"

All of Mei's muscles melted with her annoyance. Her face and gaze softened into something adoring. Her hands moved to rest against Mikey's chest. Mikey moved his hand to rest against her warm cheek in turn.

She sighed dramatically. "Oh, if I must."

Then she leaned forward and pressed a gentle, warm, long kiss on his lips. It left his green skin tingling. "You're such a dork." All of the love in the world was stored in her voice. Mikey could feel his tail beginning to wag from its confines.

"Yeah. But I'm your dork, aren't I?"

"Yeah," she pecked his lips again.

And so they stayed like that, cuddling and trading sweet kisses, until the two fell asleep, until the sun reached its peak, and until a dark teal Qilin adjusted their blankets and answered the texts blowing up Michaelangelo's phone. They stayed like that as Shangti reassured the little box turtle's worried family that he was okay, that the Titans would take care of him, and that the two would return as soon as they awoke.

And so, they stayed.

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