#and that i've been ready to talk to my doc about T for a year now but this is not the time to start a stabbing regimen

[ineffablefool]

My household just finished watching Bullet Train (2022), and I cannot remember the last time I’ve felt such sheer *delight* at a new-to-me movie.  Everything keeps happening so much, and it shouldn’t all work together but it does, and Brad Pitt plays a secret agent codenamed “Ladybug” who is the exact opposite of no chill.  Like, all the chill that other people are not?  It’s because he took it.  He has a very good therapist.

The movie is a huge pile of potential triggers (bright flashy things, lots of gunfire, blood and what I consider a small but non-zero amount of gore, so very many onscreen deaths including those of major characters...), but if anyone watches the Netflix preview trailer thing and thinks “huh, there’s no way this can actually be as delightful as they’re trying to make it look”?  No, it is.  It is a zillion miles away from being in the Soft Zone(TM), but it does involve the use of Thomas The Tank Engine characters as a way of reading people.  Apparently one shouldn’t be a Diesel.

#ineffablefool original post #not good omens #i mostly haven't...felt? this much vibrant enjoyment? for anything in possibly years by now? #so i want to note it so i can look back later #it's sheer fucking luck that i've been able to keep in pandemic isolation this whole time and it's a giant privilege #but that doesn't change the fact that i hit the point of 'touch-starved and desperately lonely' back in June 2020 #and that i've been ready to talk to my doc about T for a year now but this is not the time to start a stabbing regimen #and that housemate's steadily worsening chronic lung problem remains untreated as of march 2020 and counting #because people need to go to weddings and have vacations and shit and that's more important than covid-vulnerable people's lives #[insert shrug emoji]) #anyway it's hard to feel anything positive anymore so it's very exciting when some light peeks through the clouds #(ALSO yes i know the movie is based on a book #but i basically can't read anything anymore these days except happy-ending Ineffable Husbands fanfic #so the book will remain unread by me for now) #negativity #(in tags)

[hadeantaiga]

@spacelazarwolf

@hadeantaiga would you be willing to talk more about your experience microdosing? i’ve been thinking about it but i also have a lot of anxiety lmao

Yes! I'd love to talk about it!

One of the many ways my anxiety manifests is hypochondria, and fears of "contamination", and fears of severe regret. So I was terrified I might regret going on T; I wasn't scared of the actual effects, I was afraid of making a mistake. I tried to go on T back in February of 2021 but chickened out due to the fear.

But I finally got the courage to go on T this past February, a whole year later! I talked it through with my doc and said I wanted to microdose due to anxiety, and that I also had a fear of needles. He personally preferred prescribing the gel to folks anyway, so it worked out perfectly.

With the packets, I think a "normal" or "full" dose is 2 packets a day, or at least that's what the packaging said! My current box actually says 1 packet a day, but that's all irrelevant. I was micro micro dosing.

The "normal" dose was 1-2 packets a day... and I started with 2 packets a week. I used one packet on Monday and one on Friday. That's a tiny dose! It was such a small dose my body was fully metabolizing it and on my follow up bloodwork my T levels appeared lower - but my doc assured me it was being used up elsewhere.

I could tell it was working because I got a tiny bit of voice drop!! I was SO stoked and still am - I can literally sing a single note lower than I used to be able to on songs, which isn't much, but it's been very validating so far.

After the first round of blood work at week 6, I doubled my dose, so I was taking 4 packets a week. Remember, this is sill microdosing by a LOT. I didn't notice much in the way of changes, and due to unforseen events I had to wait almost 12 weeks for my next round of bloodwork, which is happening tomorrow, so we'll see if there's actually T sticking around in my system this time!

And once this meeting is over, I want to go up to a "full" dose. I feel safe and confident on T now, and I'm ready to see more changes, and to see them faster.

So basically, the only change I've seen since February has been a very minor drop in my voice, and that's it lol. Well ok, maybe some butt hair. That's about it though!

So microdosing, I think, is a really great option for people with anxiety, because... nothing will happen. You'll be fine. Anything that happens will be tiny; I still speak in the same range I did before, and if I didn't like it, I could stop right now and no one would ever know I took it.

#anxiety #ftm #transgender #trans #transmasc #trans man #nonbinary #hrt #hormones #microdosing

[appletreeduty]

a personal ramble while I have a single free moment in my day

hello tumblr. How are you. Listen I know it was my own fault for being away so long aside from random reblogs cos I knew how stressed and exhausted I'd be night after night after night taking a music job once again. Honestly glad I took it though, not just because I was needing $$$ but also because this shit genuinely makes me happy. the experience: Pass out in bed as soon as my head touches the pillow when I get home somewhere between 1am and 3am. Wake up go oh god oh god oh god oh god running around trying to get ready and get to work (worse if I'm traveling because I probably haven't packed until the morning of). Get to work go oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god. Maybe go out after with some work friends if there's the time or energy. Repeat.

the pros: Financial stability (sort of, but soon. the job pays). Finally living a fucking life and it's just hitting me now, 3 months in - I get to see my friends a lot more, get to travel, dating the tatted cutie of my dreams. Can finally afford the more expensive meds my endo actually recommends, and they're working way better than the generics I was on before. Doing something I love day in and day out. Working with people who actually watch out and care for you, working hard as hell but being given the time when burning out, even if it's just a moment. Ability to give myself little gremlin gifts - extensions, one of them foldable walking mats for my work desk, new tatties, a beginner violin to learn to play on. the cons: Stressed and exhausted, but at least it's not financial stress. Brain broken all the time. I feel like I've been neglecting a lot of my hobbies, especially writing and reading. Sleep schedule is completely fucked. Job feeds my workaholic tendencies and it's hard to shut my brain off when I'm off work. Having to work with known assholes in the industry sometimes.

It's really frustrating, when I think about it, that I've basically not created or consumed a piece of media that is not tangentially related to this job in months, and kind of gives me whiplash since ASOIAF and the ASOIAF fics I wrote really were basically my life for like the better part of a year before I got this job. I can't remember the last time I opened a doc for one of my WIPs, and I'm so behind on the fics I follow I've forgotten what they all are and/or what the plot of all of them is. When did I read an actual book last? Watch a movie or show? Don't ask me, I can't remember. When's the last time I felt like I HAD to write something? When's the last time I rode my bike? When's the last time I cooked? Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for this job, it's sick as hell, but since I've had it it's like my entire free time has turned into IRL social life and I desperately miss my quiet time and online time. Am I addicted to being on my computer, Google Docs, and talking with mutuals? Probably. Maybe it's just the complete lifestyle change fucking with me. Maybe I'm not social enough for a job in this industry.

I should be happy with my life. But moments like these when I get a moment to reflect put so much doubt in my mind that I hate experiencing. Guess we'll see how it goes. S-P-R-I-T SPIRIT LET'S HEAR IT goblino

#goblin posting #personal post

[ringneckedpheasant]

thank you @youandthemountains for tagging me in this even though i Also feel like "writer" is too generous of a description for me 😂. "five favorite fics" well. i have only posted 2 on ao3 even though I just counted 21 wips in my google docs but here they are! for one to handle | M/M | T | 3,345 | M!Lavellan/Solas

working title: gay solavellan isn't real it can't hurt me

This was the first fic I'd posted in over 4 years, having orphaned or deleted all of my work from 2015-2017(?). Letting people read my writing again was terrifying but I got so much positive feedback (especially from @queerspacepunk) that it helped me get my confidence back as a writer. I had a great time working with Ty on it as well and I rlly do owe them my life for their help with the dialogue and their ability to give critical feedback in a way that wasn't discouraging.

Kiernan and Solas are so very dear to me and it was so exciting to have a completed fic with them that I could share with others. Some good old fashioned h/c and mutual pining as the set up for a fic that's mostly centered on how people talk about and cope with mental health and trauma in Thedas. with april an ocean away | M/M | G | 1,828 | Adaar/The Iron Bull (/Dorian Pavus)

working title: ehsaan feeds his chickens

Writing about Ehsaan's specific struggles with mental illness has been harder for me than writing about Kiernan's because they're much different than mine, but I try to do a lot of research and the assistance I've gotten from people with OCD has been absolutely invaluable.

I rlly love this fic. It's much lighter in tone than for one to handle but thematically... at least kind of similar? I love Ehsaan, I love writing his pov because he is just. so tender hearted. and I love that when I write things with him, I'm able to indulge in a lot of nostalgia for the place I grew up. I am also learning that I just. love writing about people interacting with their pets. ain't you handsome when you're high | M/M | E | ≈6,500 | Adaar/The Iron Bull (/Dorian Pavus)

working title: Let's Talk About Mental Health Part 3

This isn't ready to be posted but it is mostly finished and I'm including it because I'm Excited about it. More h/c, more chicken feeding, and more animals with silly names, but this time there's smut at the end.

Someday I will actually publish a fic where Dorian is present but for now you will just have to settle with Mr The Iron Bull talking about him while he gives Ehsaan a handy ❤️ alright i'm tagging @queenaeducan @merrybandofmurderers @candidateofloyalty @madelinestarr @potatowitch @queerspacepunk @queerthedas mwah

#tag game #queenaeducan #merrybandofmurderers #candidateofloyalty #madeleinestarr #potatowitch #queerspacepunk #fic rec #marc.txt

[guigz1-coldwar]

'It's all improvisation' : Chapter 28 of "Fighting Spirit of a Once Innocent Girl"is out !

Summary :

Samantha & Helen are landing in another universe to find out about Monty's real location.....

To read it on AO3, click here !

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I never thought that we will be able to get out of Cuba alive but we can thanks only Nikolai for that and it became so important to me to give him my thanks. He saved us from our inevitable deaths and allowed us to continue in our mission instead of been captured and maybe killed if Omega's forces arrived minutes later while no one came to check our status. He brought us to a secret island in the middle of nowhere where he has built a house, identical to the old House I was living during my young with Eddie.....and Monty.

Nikolai told me the truth I never expected : for all these times, behind the mask Perseus was using.....it was Eddie all along. The only friend that was so close to me, the one person that was playing with me in my childhood.....was in fact my enemy I've been tracking down for months. It was Eddie's body but it was Monty who were controlling it. Eddie was trapped inside his own body and I will do anything to get Eddie back in control and then, I will kill Monty myself like I promised years ago.

Monty was the person I was hating the most in this now entire multiverse, along with Adler, Requiem and the Omega Group. I started to think that once we come back to West-Berlin in our universe, we will need to tell them about the truth of the fight we are making against Perseus. For the finals moments, our differences must be step aside as we need to fight together if we want to stop Monty from achieving his ultimate plans to destroy Europe and to put his world and maybe in the future the others universes into the Dark Aether.

We needed to get back to West-Berlin before Lazar take everyone to Monty fake location because of his state of been mind-controlled but unfortunately, we have to face another problem from that : we have no clues or any leads that could have helped us to discover the real base of Monty as everyone who could have give us that info were either dead or missing : Peck was beheaded by Monty & Valentina....I killed her. Those two must have know that info but now, they can't help us as they are fully dead.

However, even if Nikolai also didn't know of Monty's real location, he know exactly what we can do to have our answers and to be honest, me & Helen couldn't believe of what we were going to do to make that happen. Nikolai presented to us the Multiverse that was created when the old one was banished in the Dark Aether and showed to us that all of these universes were sharing a comoon point : Perseus's threat existed but very different of our universe, there were no Dark Aether on these universes for the moment.

Nikolai reassured to us that the location Perseus is hiding is always the same place around the multiverse including us. He decided that to get our responses, we will have to travel into another universe to talk with an woman called 'Bell', a name shared by a lot of differents people and also facing the same situation : working with Adler against Perseus. We had to agreed because it was our only way for us. Once we were ready, Nikolai created for us an portal leading to that particular universe. Me & Helen joined hands and then we crossed the portal.

That little travel didn't last so long as after at least 10 seconds, we arrived into that universe......the portal was located in a hidden place around big trees as we stepped in this universe. Once we were fully in, the portal closed meaning that we had to find our answers until Nikolai created another one to get us back. I started to look around to check our surroundings.

"It's feels weird." I started, having the impression that we shouldn't be here as I was feeling cold, the air in that place was cold because it was night.

"We are really into that universe ?" Helen couldn't believe that, looking at me "Or we're back at West-Berlin ?" She added, recognizing the place and me too

"You are arrived in your destination." We could hear Nikolai's voice in our heads, he said he was going to guide us in our task, helping us with the necessary.

"So, it's too late to back down, right ?" Helen asked, smirking

"Exactly !" I replied with an smile "Nikolai, where are we ?"

"You're not far from the same safehouse you're using in West-Berlin." He said, sounding sure of himself "Join the place and find a good place to hide near its main entrance."

"Understood." Helen nodded before leading the way forwards and I followed her.

We walked for a while until we can finally have the safehouse in sight, the same one like in our universe. Nothing was weird about it as we got closer but then, we could spot.....another Helen leaned against the garage door, awaiting for something. It was the other Helen from that universe and I could see that my Helen were shocked to see herself, same as me. We couldn't let ourselves be spotted by her so we needed to find a better place to hide.

Nikolai guided us and adviced us to get on the rooftop of the safehouse to have a better look on the surroundings but also inside as there were a part of the ceilling where we could be able to look inside and also hear what they can said. For climbing on that rooftop, we decided to use our powers and it was much easy than to use the pipe. Helen was amazed when she started to levitate too, showing to me that she was like me and I think she start to like it too.

Once we were on the rooftop, we decided to stay hidden, keeping a look to the main entrance as the other Helen was still awaiting against the garage door. Helen was intrigued on something,

"She has the same clothes as me." She thought, her hand on her chin "Nikolai, how did you succeed to have my clothes ?" She asked to him in our head

"Powers." He simply said.

"Wait, you said that you were wearing the same clothes when we found each other again." I started, looking at Helen "Does that mean....."

"The date is the February 24th 1981." Nikolai replied, cutting me short

"Is that normal ?" Helen started to ask "We're in another universe and back in time ?"

"Yes." Nikolai muttered "It was the only date where you could have your answer without having any much troubles." He added

"I understand what you mean." I told him with an smile before Helen gestured to me,

"Someone's coming." She said as we heard a car arriving at the safehouse. We lied down in cover as the people get out of the car : we could see Russell Adler and our person in interest, I could say.

"Bell, welcome to West-Berlin." Adler started, taking something in his pocket, a cigarette and lighting it before looking back at Bell "We have a job to do !" Both then arrived near their Helen who knocked two times on the door as a signal to open it "Park."

"Adler." She said, harshly, taking a bag that was just at her feets before looking at Bell "Bell." This time, she was sounding more happy with her than with him.....Guess that it's a common thing in every universe. The trio then enter the safehouse, the door staying open and we decided to join the part where we could observe everyone inside : it was weird to see Lazar normally and different now.

"Okay, everyone, gather up." Adler exclaimed, gesturing to everyone to come near the same dashboard at the same place as in our universe. "You all know why we're here today : we have been asked to track a soviet spy we called 'Perseus'." He started before smoking his cigarette "However, our leads against him are very limited and we only have this as our only lead." He put his hand on a file that was on his desk, the same I have decrypted.

"Our analysts in the MI6 and those in the CIA weren't able to decypher that file meaning....." Their Helen added, joining the briefing

"Meaning that we have to revisit an old ops from 13 years ago." Adler cut her straight, I could see anger on Helen on the ground and next to me.

"Damn, doc', you're talking about Vietnam and 'Fracture Jaw' ?" Sims asked and Adler nodded

"It's our only lead and Bell will help us." He said, looking at her

"I will but....I think I need some moments to think about it and to install myself here." Bell told him, we could see an worried on Adler's face before he gain back an straight face

"Okay, it's fine." Adler sighed "The others, free time until Bell is cleared to talk about it." He ordered, meaning the end of that little briefing as everyone goes in their separate ways : Bell decided to go in the dorm as their Helen was back outside. We decided to move next to the cover we used to have a view on the entrance as we saw Adler joining their Helen who started to smoke.

"What do you want, Adler ?" She asked to him in a hard tone, hearing him arrive

"I wanted to make things clear, Park." He said, concerned "With Bell, we all need to stay an simple team."

"Why ?" She told him, sounding surprised

"You know well that Bell is someone we need to watch closely, remember ?" He was sounding so clear in his voice like everything was normal as me & Helen were wondering what was the deal with Bell. "I'm asking you to not be acting like best friends with her, it's not because you put her in the MI6 that you had to stick together with her as the only women around."

"Is this a problem for you ?" She said, raising an eyebrow "She's an human being, it's not my fault if you can't see things normally. I can thanks Lazar to think the same along me."

"Tell what you want to say." He clenched his fists "But my orders stay clear : with Bell, it's only professional. Lazar got the same thing from me."

"What did he say about it ?" She asked, not looking at him anymore

"That he will think about it." He replied and she smiled at him

"Then you have my answer : I will think about it." She said to him, smirking, he rolled his eyes in desesperation before walking inside the safehouse, leaving her alone "Douchebag !" She whispered, enough to be hear by us. Yeah, she's right about him.

Once their little discussion were done, me & Helen decided to leave that rooftop by the same way we got on it to join the ground level. When we were back on the same level, we walked to get to a hidden location but we saw their Helen was staying outside and unfortunately, we needed to find a way to get in.

"I guess that now, it's all improvisation ?" I whispered to Helen, she nodded.

"We need to think about getting me....Well, her away from the place." She said, looking at herself

"I know what you're thinking : you want to take her place but I need to get in too." I exclaimed, finding out about the plan we were making along our mission. "And we got something to deal with." I pointed to our purples eyes, showing that we can be spotted with that

"Don't worry about this." Nikolai said to us as we started to feel something inside our pockets, we checked it out to find some glasses and when we put them on, I could see that our real eyes color were hidden : her purple right eye were back to her former blue as for me, my eyes were also back to blue.....just to the other views.

"Thanks but we need to find something for the other Helen." I said before I feel something new again in my pockets, I checked it again and this time, I had two creditentials cards in my hand : one with an fake MI6 identity and the other.....were an real one and marked to be affiliated to the CIA. "Seriously ?" I sighed

"I'm sorry, Samantha but you need to improvise for now while I'm still helping around." Nikolai said, sounding sorry

"And what now ?" Helen asked to me.

"Let me take care of it, I'll give you the signal when I'm done with yourself." I smirked at the end, giving her a kiss on the forehead and making her blush before I walked away to join the road, fainting that I have just arrived by walk at this safehouse.

I was so stressed out about this as I was about to talk to Helen but not the one I know meaning that I have to talk to her like I was not knowing her at all. I decide to use my fake MI6 identity card for that as she wasn't sounding so pleased while talking to people inside the CIA. Before I was at her sight, I took a deep breath behind a cover before letting the game begin. I got out of the cover, walking towards her,

"Agent Park ?" I asked sure of myself as I was walking towards her

"Yes." She looked at me worried "Who are you ?" She added, raising an eyebrow

"Julie Nathanson." I replied showing her the fake MI6 card. "MI6"

"Oh, I'm surprised to see a friendly face from the MI6." She said, sounding relieved and throwing her cigarette at her feets "That change from Adler."

"Is there something wrong ?" I asked, sounding worried

"Just the job, things that are preoccupying me a lot." She grinned a little before looking at me "Why are you here ?"

"I'm here because the director will like to see you." I responded, not even sure of my own answer

"The director ?" She leaned backwards "He's here ?"

"Yes, he's in West-Berlin and he asked me to give that info." I said, lying more further

"Where exactly ?" She asked as in my head, I was rapidly trying to find an answer and I had to improvise quickly. I took the first answer I had.

"Sunny Diner." I exclaimed "An typical american diner in the outskirts of the city."

"I see where the place is." She got away from the wall "I suppose that he want to meet me in a matter of time, right ?" I nodded "Well, it's better that I'm on my way." She started to walk to get next to a car parked next to the entrance before looking at me "You came by walking ?" She asked me, curious about how I came

"Yes, a little exercise can help." I smiled at her, wondering about her next question "Don't worry, someone will pick me up soon, I will stay here for a moment and I will be on my very own way."

"Ok, then." She entered the car, removing her suspicious look "Thank you, agent Nathanson. Just watch out and stay out of the safehouse, it's an big advice." She started the car before driving away from the place.

I was so relieved and feeling weird to have done that but it was necessary. Once she was far away, I looked at the direction Helen was hiding and gestured her to join me, hidden just next to the garage door as we needed to talk about our next part of our improvised plan. We disposed off their Helen and now, improvisation is all we were making. Helen arrived next to me, seeing my worried look and she was half laughing about it because of me talking to her without been her actually.

"How it was ?" She asked me

"Hard." I simply said before thinking of the next part "Now, you will see how it feels."

"Yeah." She rolled her eyes "But you're coming with me, I will make the presentation with Adler, I presume."

"We are improvising our entire plan, Helen." I exclaimed to her "We're just maybe at a few meters from having our answers....and we will have to be fast in case."

"Of course." She redressed herself before taking a deep breath "Let's go play my own role." She then opened the way inside the safehouse as I decided to follow her like we said. I was so nervous about this as I could see Lazar....the other Lazar looking at me strangely. Adler was looking at the dashboard when he heard arrived near him.

"Park." He started to said before he turned his back to look at us.....and then, he leaned backwards at my sight, looking so curious and suspicious. "Who is this ?"

"Samantha Maxis, CIA" I offered my hand to him but he was still suspicious, he looked at Park,

"I was clear that I don't accept anymore new agents in the team." He told her clearly, pointing his hand towards me

"Damnit, can you just be normal for once ?" Helen said, taking the same style as the other Helen "She can help us."

"I never heard of you, miss Maxis." He affirmed, looking sure of himself and I needed to improvise

"That's my speciality, Russell Adler." I crossed my arms, smiling at him "I know you well but you don't know me and I think it's better that way." I raised an eyebrow to show him that I wasn't scared of him "I can tell a lot of things about you, things that Park don't know."

"Well, you convinced me." He retracted himself, wanting to not have a complete stranger to talk about his life before he go sit at his desk "So, you're working with the CIA ?"

"Exactly." I replied

"In which department ?" He asked

"Classified information but we used to be call 'Requiem'." My answers caused Helen to look at me with wide eyes....I needed to not get suspicious and I wasn't sure if it was my proudest move I have done here

"Requiem, I supposed that they are very secret." He looked at Park "Why is she here ?"

"She can help with....uhm...Bell." Helen replied, looking around "She's specialized in the type of things we did and she can help Bell to stay focused."

"A woman specialized in brainwashing." He whispered, biting his lips, looking at his desk as me & Helen looked at each other with wide eyes, Did they really brainwashed this Bell ? "I think you want to know more about Bell, right ?" I nodded to his question "You can find her file and what we did back in the archive room in the back next to Lazar workplace." He looked at the supposed place before looking back at us "Just be aware that you need to take it easy with Bell, she's an valuable asset."

"I will do my best." I said before he ordered to dismiss from him. Me & Helen were so relieved that it worked despite everything was against us.

We quickly walked to the archive room and we unlocked the door of it because someone to block it with an padlock. We didn't need to insert an code before I used my strenght to destroy the padlock silently and then we entered the supposed archive room, thinking now about where these files this Adler talked to us were. The room was filled with so many box that we needed to check every one of them and Helen has to help me even if she was supposed to know the place well.

After 5 longs minutes of searching, we finally found the files in questions and a part of our answers about Bell : they named her Jess Blackwell and put her inside the MI6 after Arash Kadivar.....left them for dead in Trabzon. Unfortunately, Helen was getting so bad when we discovered the file, she was seeing that their Park participed in Bell's brainwashing but I recomfort her quickly, knowing that I know well that she will never do something like that and that she was likely forced to do so.

We checked everything that were on the file and once we were done, we put them back to place and we needed now to think about what to do now next.

"So, now that we know everything about Bell, what's the next part ?" I asked

"You could try to corner her in an isolated place in the safehouse and make her talk." Nikolai came back to help us, advicing us.

"But she was brainwashed." Helen said, looking outside the room

"You can use your powers but Samantha will need to do it." Nikolai told us "You will need to use the key-phrase Adler is using to be able to find out." Helen started to wonder around trying to find out what it could be because there were nothing in the files talking about a key-phrase.....until I found out what was the phrase.

"We have a job to do !" I whispered, guessing the phrase "He's using that phrase everytime even in our universe."

"She's right : I just checked that info and Adler seems to use that key-phrase a lot in the Multiverse." Nikolai added, giving some smile to Park.

"Now with that answer, we need to find an way to corner Bell." Helen looked at me and I looked at her

"The dorm." I exclaimed "She's still in there, right ?" She nodded "Okay, once she got out, we get to her and we got her back into that room." I got away from the desk I was leaned against "Then, we are getting our answer." When I was finished, we hear a door opening and Helen checked where was the noise, it was the door of the dorm opening and Bell was getting out.

"Okay, let's go." Helen ordered me to follow her as she got out of the room to join Bell. It was time for us to have what we need. Helen decided that it was better to be the one who talk first. Bell just arrived at the desk that supposed to hers when Helen arrived next to her. "Bell, you're okay ?" She asked first

"Uhm....I'm okay, I guess." Bell replied, worried

"You're sure ? You're looking pale." Helen said as we could see Bell's face getting all white

"I...I think I need to get back to the dorm, I feel like I can't talk about Vietnam." She said as Helen put her hands on her shoulders "I think I need a coffee." Helen put her hand in Bell's back before looking at me.

"Samantha, can you prepare a coffee for Bell ?" She ordered me, winking that it was our shot but I needed to make sure that we weren't going to be too suspicious. I nodded as Helen was walking with Bell back to the dorm, leaving me alone.

I decided to comply to her order and to walk next to the coffee machine that was at the same spot in our universe. I took a cup and prepare the coffee. While the coffee was getting ready, I looked around the safehouse : it was feeling so weird to be in the same place but in another universe. Somehow, I could have feel Greta & Yirina presence next to me and I really hope that they're okay and not in danger. I was wondering if they were having some powers like us and that was an question I was going to ask to Nikolai when we will back at the new House.

It was weird to see Lazar like that, he was normal but it was weird. I was thinking about how this Lazar was feeling about Bell and according to what we heard with Helen between their Adler and their Helen, he was getting in the same line as her. He's still a good man for me but Monty mind-controlled him, I hope that we can save him from Monty's control if we can do it....like I want to save Eddie. Adler was somehow still acting the same in that universe : dangerous and paranoid.....like in every universe, I think.

But then, a vision of horror came when I saw their Helen return from that supposed meeting, causing me to turn my back to the entrance. When I saw her, she was walking towards Adler's desk. I couldn't move of fear.

"Park.....but....I thought you were already inside the safehouse !" Adler exclaimed, having saw her.

"What are you talking about ?" She said, concerned in an harsh tone "I just came back here."

"What do you mean ? You were gone ?" Adler told her as I could hear him getting up from his chair.

"Yeah, an MI6 agent came in, saying that I needed to meet with the MI6 director and I just came back because there were nobody." She admitted as I hoped that she was not going to see me

"Well, I can't help you with that." He laughed, joking about her and forgetting everything before taking a seat again "By the way, how's your CIA friend Samantha Maxis ?"

"Who ?" She said in a questioning tone "I don't know any Samantha Maxis !"

"Aw shit !" I whispered to myself silently

I realized that I was going to blow my cover by staying here like an idiot but I couldn't run away without Helen and without having our answer. We have gone far and I couldn't foiled our mission. I looked behind me as I saw Adler and their Helen slowly looking at me. I had no other choice right now. I needed to walk fast inside the dorm without looking back. I took a last look around me and I started to walk as fast as I can to the dorm as I could hear Adler calling me out. I couldn't stop walking and I changed my mind as I start to run towards the dorm.

I opened the door quickly to the dorm where I could see Bell and Helen next to the bed which I suppose to be Bell's one. Once I was in, I closed the door.

"What's wrong ?" Helen asked me as she could see my perfect worried face "Oh no..." She said, slowly guessing the situation

"You came back and they're going to be here soon." I replied, still holding the door

"Who came back ?" Bell asked, curious before Helen get next to her, her hands on her shoulders,

"Listen, Bell." She started "You need to help us."

"What's the problem with me ?" Bell said, looking confused but we couldn't hide it anymore, Helen removed her glasses, showing at Bell, her eyes,

"We need you to be cooperative." She pleaded before removing her hands "We need something from you."

"Samantha, I blocked the door, they're not able to open it until you will be both away from here." Nikolai told me, allowing me to get away from the door and to join the two. "Bell, we want to help you but we need your help first."

"Park, who is she ?" Bell looked at Helen, worried

"You don't need to worry, she will help you, we will." Helen added before she let me get in front of Bell to check the door, I removed my glasses, showcasing my eyes to Bell.

"Don't be afraid, I'm not here to hurt you but only to help." I said, getting close to Bell,

"What do you want ?" She asked me as she sit on her bed, scared but willing to let me help her

"I need you....to close your eyes and let me do what I need to do, okay ?" I replied and she nodded, still scared. She closed her eyes as I put two fingers of each hands on her both forehead sides. I could feel getting inside her head. "Okay, relax and stay focused." She nodded, looking like she wanted to cry and then, I took a deep breath and my eyes went fully purple.....

"Bell, we have a job to do !"

When I told her that, she was showing signs of resist but then, she started to stabilize herself, letting me doing what I needed to do. I could see her memories.....her real memories, not those Adler gave to her. The first real memory I could see was when she was left for dead at Trabzon, I could relive that memory inside her body as she was shot 3 times by Kadivar. She was looking troubled because she was living that memory too and some tears appeared on her face but she was staying focused.

Then, I could see others memories of her getting tortured by the CIA. Tied up on a chair and beaten up by Adler but it wasn't always like that, Helen was there too but she was always talking nice with her and never gave her an punch or anything else to brutalize her. Their Helen was so kind to Bell and she was having feeling for her and it was reciprocal. Bell smiled at seeing those memories with Helen but angry when it was the CIA. She was realizing that she wasn't really an MI6 agent and that she was brainwashed, making her cry.

I told her to stay focused, holding back my own tears as she wasn't deversing that at all, she was very kind and I can't let her suffer enough. Then, I could see myself in her body, attending an meeting with.....Perseus himself, unmasked. There were also others members from Perseus group : Volkov, Arash Kadivar and others persons that I didn't know the identity but no signs of Peck or Valentina since they have no links with Perseus in that universe. Perseus was talking but then, everything come to black for me as for Bell, she was still feeling it.

"Bell, you're okay ?" I asked worried, not removing my fingers

"I'm....okay." She replied in a low voice

"Did you hear what Perseus fully said ?" I told her and she nodded "Where's Perseus ?" She opened her eyes, looking at me with tears and she smiled.....

"From the safety......of Solovetsky."

It....it was the answer we've been looking for : the real location Monty was going to be. Nikolai was clear about that subject : in every universe, Perseus is always at the same location. I looked at Bell who smiled before getting pale again and falling on the bed, weak. I tried to not make her fall but it was too late, she was too weak to move but she could still speak and look at me.

"It's going to be okay, Bell." I told her

"You're sure ?" She asked, putting all of her strenght in it

"Don't worry, we will make sure of that !" I said with an smile. "Nikolai, it's done." When I finished, we could hear the beginning of a formation of an portal at the end of the room. "Take some rest, it will be okay." I admitted before I started to walk away, getting next to Helen who were awaiting for me as the portal was fully there.

"How're you feeling ?" Helen asked to me, worried

"I don't know, I wish that we could help her more about her true self." She then handed over her hand and we both joined hands together.

"I'm sure that we will do it, Sam." She affirmed before looking at the portal "Ready, Sammy ?" Then back at me with lovely eyes, her right one brighting at my sight. I could only smile at seeing her, knowing that she always the truth to me,

"I am, Sapphire. It's time to go home."

#black ops cold war #bocw #call of duty cold war #cod cw #cod black ops cold war #cod cold war #fanfic #helen park #samantha maxis

[an-exhausted-potato]

Hey everyone!! For those of you that follow me, you know that my doctor prescribed me a service dog after months and months of discussions about if it would be a good fit for me or not. In that time, I researched breeds/breeders and contacted some to get an idea of their processes and their dogs. One in particular caught my interest, and I have kept in contact with them through now. Once I got the go ahead from my doc, I put down a deposit with my chosen breeder to get on the waiting list for a dog! And, low and behold, the waiting period turned out to be way shorter than I anticipated as they have several litters of potential prospects that were born recently! I have been told that I am 'up to pick my pup'! Like I said, I've been talking with this breeder for months, and I've bought all kinds of basic necessities and training tools for my prospect wherever I get them. I am just about ready to begin this journey if now is the time. The only thing that's holding me back is the cost of the puppies. Since the wait time was much shorter than I expected, I only have about a third saved up of what I need so far. This is where I get to the part of this post that I'm dreading (I hate asking for help!). If you can manage to donate anything at all to my gofundme, I would be eternally grateful! If all you can do is reblog, I will be eternally grateful!

All in asking is for a chance to finally start the process of gaining back my independence and confidence and being able to function even a little better than I have been! Thank you all!!!

Here's the gofundme link

If you want to donate using my venmo, it's @Abigail-fluty

Thank you so much everyone for everything!!!

#psychiatric service dog #service dog #service dog in training #sdit #chronically disabled #actually disabled #invisible disability #disabled #disabilities #disabledlife #actuallymentallyill #actuallyptsd #actuallytraumatized #chronic fatigue #chronic illness #gofundme #venmo me #please help #please donate #financial help

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 29)

"Hades&Persephone"

@lovemythsworld

@creatureofthen1ght-v3

"Kitten.... Kitten" Colson gently wakes Luna.

"Nooooo...." She whines "I just wanna sleep." She starts to pout.

"I know, Kitten" he coaxes her gently. "Here." He puts her sunglasses in her hand.

"You're a wise man..." She continues to whine.

"Thank you. Here, sit up, I have water for you too." He puts the bottle in her hands.

She does what he says, begrudgingly. "Why am I uppppp" she whines again, after sipping the water, throwing herself back onto the bed. "AHHHHH!!" She yells out. Grabbing her shoulder.

"That's why. I got The Doc downstairs, he needs to check you out." He's trying to get her out of bed.

"Steph checked meeeee..." She argues.

"Did Steph give you antibiotics?" He asks firmly.

"No." She says quietly.

"C'mon then, Kitten." He's afraid to man-handle her because of her shoulder so he just scoops her up. Carrying her down the stairs in a white T and black panties. Luna doesn't even give a fuck.

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Ashley's in the kitchen with The Dr as Colson carries Luna in, sunglasses and all. Ashley laughs loudly. "THIS Bitch." She says to Colson.

He sets Luna down. "I know." He says shaking his head and laughing. "It's the only way I could get her out of bed."

"Drink this." Ashley sets a large glass of seltzer and lemon beside her friend.

The Dr is setting things up moving around Luna.

"You're AMAZING..." Luna moans taking a large drink.

"I know..." Says Ashley with sass.

The Dr finally speaks "Ok, Miss Smith. Let's take a look, you mind taking your shirt off for me?"

She looks at Ashley. "I don't have a bra." She says flatly. Ashley snaps her fingers, pulling an unwilling Luna off the table into the hall. Where she magically produces a black sports bra. "You are amazing."

"I told you, I KNOW." Both girls laugh.

Luna changes and gets back on the table. As The Dr looks at her wound, Colson stares at her barely clothed body, feeling his dick grow. He doesn't want to look at her shoulder. It makes him think of Jackson and all that does is piss him off.

The Dr confirms it was a through and through but continues to tell Luna that she's lucky it didn't hit the brachial artery or plexus. Trying not to roll her eyes, she's pissed about all the probable damage to her tattoos. He writes her a script for 2 antibiotics and 30s. She thanks him for his time and discretion. As Colson walks him to the door, Luna whispers "What the fuck??" To Ashley as she lays back on kitchen table. Wincing when the wound hits it.

"Seeee..." Laughs Ashley. "Stop acting like an Asshole." She sits at the table over top of Luna. "YOU'RE really fucking lucky Jax was there." She says looking down at her.

"I was really fucking lucky he gave me a gun." She snaps back. Instantly sorry.

"I don't give a fuck HOW you were lucky. YOU WERE FUCKING LUCKY. I know you're gonna do what you do, Loons, but you gotta be more careful. I get this whole deportation thing and that the kid lost a dad but I'm sure the mom would agree, that you dying to save some stuffed animal, would fuck the kid up more than losing it."

"I know....." Luna sighs. "I'll be more careful, MOM." She says with a smile.

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"FUCKING GET HER, ASH!" Colson thinks hearing the girls after he lets The Dr out.

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Colson strolls back into the kitchen. Leans over Luna and kisses her. "Wanna do something fun tonight?" He asks.

"Not really, but you know." She shrugs one shoulder, still laying on the table.

"Pete's playing a show in Burbank. I lost a bet to him and I have to do a minute set."

"On stage?" Ashley asks.

"Yeah, Dude." Colson grins.

"Dom and I are THERE, Kells!" She exclaims.

"Greeeeat..." Colson looks at her and they both laugh.

Luna's still laying on the table. "What bet did you lose?" She asks Colson.

"That I couldn't keep my shirt on at his birthday party last year." He laughs.

"Waaait.... You were at his 29th? I was there too. I wonder why we didn't meet then." She says sitting up. She and Colson look at each other inquisitivly.

Ashley breaks their thoughts "Because you were only there for like a minute, Loons. You literally popped in to give him his gift and birthday love. Remember?

"Oh, yeeahhh..." Luna drifts off, thinking back to that night.

"So, wanna go, Kitten?" Colson asks her.

"Uh, yeah, Bunny. Of course. Ash, you're coming?" She asks.

"Mhm." She nods her head.

"What time's the show?" She asks Colson.

"I gotta be there by 930P."

"You guys wanna do dinner? I've been wanting to hit Toca Madera..." Luna asks.

"Yaaaaas Girl!!! Mexican all day!" Ashley hoots. Luna looks up at Colson who nods in agreeance.

"Alright, I'll pack a bag and shower at your house?" She asks Colson pulling the white T back on.

"Yup." Colson agrees, sad to watch her body disappear.

"Ashhhh...? Do me a favor, please?"

"What, Buddy?"

"If I run a load, will you throw my clothes in the dryer after?"

"No prob." Ashley agrees as Luna heads towards the stairs.

Colson leans into Luna's ear, following her up them "Mexican, hunh? I guess that means no butt sex tonight?" Poking her in the ass with his finger.

"Get the fuck away from me, You Weirdo!" She shrieks, laughing while running up the steps. "We don't do butt stuff!!" She shouts over her shoulder, making him laugh.

--------------------------------------------

Back in her room Luna dumps her leather travel bag all over the floor as Colson lights a joint. She makes a pile of clothes she wants to wash. He passes her the joint. Finding new to restock her bag, she comes across her leather. There's a solid hole through the left side. Luna passes back the joint and digs through a make-up bag, pulling out a bunch of safety pins. A few minutes later she displays it. "Fixed." She laughs as she continues to pack. Colson smiles lightly, hating the jacket now and how that hole almost took Luna from him.

"She loves that fucking jacket. She's never gonna give it up." He thinks sighing to himself.

Once back from starting a load of laundry, Luna slips on a pair of cutoffs. "You ready?" She asks Colson. He nods grabbing her bag. As they head out the door Colson shouts to Ashley " WE OUT!!"

"See yous for dinner!" She calls back from somewhere in the house.

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Heading back to Colson's Luna asks about the goldfish. "Oh fuck!! I forgot all about them!!" He exclaims.

"Can we stop and grab a bowl and shit in case they are alive? She asks him.

"Anything you want, Kitten." He takes her hand and kisses it. Before stopping off at a Target.

They are Assholes in Target. He carries her around piggy back style through out the store, tries to buy all the Betas for fighting. She says No so he attacks her with bouncy balls at her legs. As Luna's paying, she loses him for a second before he comes running passed her, screaming with his tongue out. They are not allowed in that Target anymore.

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Still laughing about Target when they walk in they're greeted by a surprisingly quiet house and only 1 dead fish. "That's us." Colson nods at the fish. "Hades and Persephone. Can't kill The Devil and His Bride." He scoops up a laughing Luna, kissing her deeply.

"You do know how fucked up that myth is, don't you?" She asks, still laughing.

"Nope. I don't know and I don't care." He states.

"Hades and Persephone it is..." She laughs throwing her hands up. She sets the fish bowl up in the middle of the kitchen island.

"We have pets." He says kissing her on the head.

----------------------------------------------

Upstairs Colson throws himself on the bed after dropping Luna's bag. Coming in after him, she can't help but jump on him. "Come're Haaaaadesssss..." She teases from above him, littering his face and neck with kisses. He sits up, she pulls his shirt off as he carefully goes for hers, terrified of hurting her. She sees his worry, taking off her shirt and sports bra herself to his relief. She stands up on the bed letting him unbutton and pull off her shorts and panties. He stares up at her naked body before pulling her down onto his face. Licking and lapping her every fold making her twitch and giggle.

"FUCKING PEACHES." He loves the way she tastes.

He hits her spots making her buck. "Bunnnnyyy!!!" She calls out, cumming all over his face as he holds her steady by the waist. Lifting her up off of him, he moves behind her, grabs her hips, setting her on all fours.

As he slides into her, he groans "GOD, YOU FEEL SO FUCKING GOOD, KITTEN."

"Mmmm you like that, Bunny?" She coos. "You like fucking me from behind?"

He's fucking her harder and faster with her words

"I do." He pants out. She's close and can tell he's right with her. She starts slamming against him hard making him moan. Pushing harder and harder she begs "Who's pussy is it, Hm? Who owns this fucking pussy, Bunny?" She moans as she cums.

"I DOOOOOO!!!" He shouts bursting inside of her.

"Yeah, you do." She giggles easing herself down on the bed. He makes sure his face isn't on her shoulder as he kisses her back. Taking their time and laying inside of her, he loves that they have little rituals like this.

She looks at her watch, it's 530P. They have dinner reservations at 7p. She tells him they should shower and he agrees.

They do it again in the shower because how can they be naked together and NOT?

Luna throws on a black long sleeve cotton shirt, black leather pants and her black Red Bottoms. She's has a fire engine red lip to match, jewelry piled on.

They leave a still empty house to head to dinner.

--------------------------------------------

Luna rest her feet in Colson's lap as they smoke a joint on the way to grab Ashley and Dom. They figured they'd all ride together to Toca Madera, then Flappers. Both couples hold hands walking in, easily being sat. "Try not to beat anyone up in here." Colson whispers into her ear heading to their table.

"No promises." She smirks back before sitting down.

Dinners delicious. Their margaritas and fish tacos are to die for. Conversation is fun and engaging as always with the 4 of them. Colson and Dom are talking about their video. They're thinking about doing an open call in the next couple days. Ashley and Luna encourage them, both agreeing it's a gnarly idea. Luna and Ashley have enjoyed watching the guys collaborate. That's when it hits Ashley "We should fucking collab!!" She exclaims excitedly. "I don't know why we never thought of it before!!"

"RIGHT!!!" Shouts Luna in disbelief. "FUCKING RIOT GRL ANTHEM!!!" She's still shouting.

"YEEEEESSSSS!!!!" Oozes Ashley as they high five each other. The guys watch them in amusement as the girls chatter excitedly. Luna already pulling her notebook out.

-------------------------------------------

Leaving Toca Madera is pure hell. Someone must have called the paparazzi alerting them to Ashley. Seeing the 4 of them together is just extra cash on their film.

"Halsey!! Halsey!!" One shouts.

"Yungblud! Over here!!" Shouts another. They push through the cameras with their heads down.

"MGK!!! MGK!!" They shout for Colson. Luna's tucked under Colson's arm, wound side in, head down as Colson pushes them through. As he opens the door for her, she looks up. That does it. She hears it as he shuts her door.

"IS THAT, THAT BROOKLYN BITCH!??? MGK!! MGK!! ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER??" Luna leans over to push open his door for him, Colson slides into the driver's seat of his Benz. Sticking his tongue out and giving The Paps the middle finger as they pull off.

"Holy fucking shit balls!" Luna sighs, lighting a joint.

"I know." The other 3 say in unison.

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To be continued.....

#mgk smut #machine gun kelly #mgk fanfic #mgk imagine #mgk #music #drugs #drinking #mgk x reader #not safe for tumblr #fandom #fanfic #fangirl #feminist #love story #lovestory #not safe for minors #est4life #long reads #los angeles #series #lunatic #brooklyn