#anyway getting through some 39s now since i can clear like 2 40s and i keep failing others | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blankdblank · 3 years

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Next Caller Pt 50

Pt 1 - Pt 2 - Pt 3 – Pt 4 - Pt 5 - Pt 6 - Pt 7 - Pt 8 - Pt 9 - Pt 10 - Pt 11 - Pt 12 - Pt 13 - Pt 14 - Pt 15 - Pt 16 - Pt 17 - Pt 18 - Pt 19 - Pt 20 - Pt 21 - Pt 22 - Pt 23 - Pt 24 - Pt 25 - Pt 26 - Pt 27 - Pt 28 - Pt 29 - Pt 30 - Pt 31 - Pt 32 - Pt 33 - Pt 34 - Pt 35 - Pt 36 - Pt 37 - Pt 38 - Pt 39 - Pt 40 - Pt 41 - Pt 42 - Pt 43 - Pt 44 - Pt 45 - Pt 46 - Pt 47 - Pt 48 - Pt 49 -

To the sound of the broadcast of the news you started on the next batch of dough. On top of a heat resistant set of wood blocks you laid over your counters you left the hot trays of bread to cool while you started to mix the next bowls worth. Gritty the mixture slowly turned to the supple dough you needed to the opening monologue breaking to, ‘And on our top story for the day the opening of Clustered Anchors in Erebor came with the weight of another stunning opening, that of the official claiming of Thorin Durin.’

Frerin came into the kitchen while Thorin changed Billi, smirking as you muttered, “Claiming,”

‘The eldest son of Thrain son of Thror attended the opening of the show as an official announcement of their status as a couple. From the cast to the few people they did come into contact with all said they were incredibly affectionate and spoke of plans afterwards. This morning we have received notice of the official statement the Durins have printed on their family website and no doubt official portraits will surely follow for the stunningly betrothed couple, yes betrothed, their portraits no doubt will be taken or available soon. Although the news of the status was far from surprising if you had taken notice of a certain piece of jewelry the young Durin was sporting.’

You rolled your eyes leaving the dough to rise in taking out one roll to cook another leaving the hot one to cool. “By the size alone they will be commenting on their suspicions of an engagement due to a proposal worthy stone from you.”

Softly you sighed out, “Technically we are engaged. Just shredding hairs.”

Frerin chuckled at Thorin’s entrance asking, “Who is shredding hairs? Sounds painful.” Letting out a gasping smile at Billi’s reach up to grab his braid in his beard to admire the bead securing the end of it before awkward tries to grab his mustache shifting his upper lip through his adoring stare at his niece.

Frerin chuckled out, “Your Mafioso here was commenting that your betrothal already constitutes engagement based on the news’ comments on your ring.”

Thorin hummed out, “Better to give them more announcements to wait on.”

The sound of brakes squeaking had Frerin checking the door and calling back, “Expecting a delivery?”

Thorin hurried to the door joining him, “Ooh, that would be the beds.” Easing Billi into the playpen on the way. Huffs and puffs sounded through your mixing up some muffin and brownie mix while chatting to the girl, the mix was added to your second oven with timer set to bring out after another loaf was ready to be finished off.

“And in related news, Wolsey is here!!” An excited squeal cane from the news anchors who delved more into the arrival of the second bout of stickers related to the Bunny Show. “The dynamic lovers are now a duo, our Countess can now be displayed with her cumbersome Prince Charming. Last month the Countess stickers were the first glimpse into the world of his addictive show and everyone was boots over beard for the impossible stunner selling out in a matter of hours, creating a backlist of orders that is still holding and gradually shipping copies to loves of our Grand Lady of Mischief. And now we get to see the fella who had her begrudgingly offered attentions focused on him for so long until the stars aligned and courtship ensued. I am not alone in shrieking once we got a good glimpse of the golden haired Dwarf.”

Frerin with a grin came back into view eyeing Billi now nodding off in her pop up crib you were keeping an eye on as you bustled around prepping your treats and odd bowl of lemons you had gathered from the greenhouse the day before. “Making brownies now? And muffins?”

“Nice to get it all done at once.”

Two trays of muffins were eased into the one to the sound of the door again turning Thorin with a curious furrow of his brows. “Jaqi, they need you to sign.”

Out you came and smiled accepting the pad and stylus from the Elf who said, “Three packages for you today Miss Pear.”

“Three,” You muttered to yourself glancing at the duo in the back of the shipping van who unloaded a wooden carrier for a painting followed by a trunk they carefully moved into the front hall with a medium sized box on top. The trio nodded heir heads wishing you all a good day and turned back to their van as Frerin closed the door to Thorin returning with a box cutter he passed to you.

Starting with the box you gasped at the beyond fluffy fake panda fur blanket you giggled folding back up to our back into the box for later as you eyed the envelope that was on top of it in Frerin’s hand. At your approval he opened it and showed you the simple note reading simply ‘Welcome Home’ signed clearly by Thranduil, Amrod and Amras. With the note was the key to the painting case and the trunk locks the brothers unlocked to find a stunning decorative vase you agreed to move to the living room and a medium sized painting of a scenic landscape with playing sheep you smiled and took to lean against the wall of the living room bare of decorations where the image could be hung high enough the be viewed properly. Most the other rooms curved on the walls bare enough for the painting that size and with a smirk at your pleased expression of the gift Thorin hummed, “I’ll break out the stud finder to hang it tomorrow for you.”

“Thank you,” You said and turned to hurry back to answer another timer for one of your treats in the kitchen as trunk and case were taken to the garage and the blanket to your room to be draped over your bed later. Back he went to your side to hear with Frerin more about the brothers who had gifted you the decorations and their significance. Though their hand made declaration had them all the more grateful and understanding of their importance to you. Priceless gifts from equally as talented friends who always hoped to help you decorate your well deserved home one day. The doorbell however at the timer for the brownies pulled him away again with a scowl and grumbled argument against being pulled away at his try to inch closer to steal a kiss on your cheek.

“Twelve pounds a piece! Dam and Dwarrow!” Dwalin exclaimed loud enough past Thorin’s shoulder letting you know while you stored the last of your bread, muffins and brownies. Into the entrance hall he came pausing at the large box left by the door asking as Bilbo and Frodo hurried in towards the incredible smells coming from the kitchen. “What’s with the box cousin?”

Thorin said, “Ah, that’s one of the bed kits for the orange and white room.”

Dwalin asked, “Here?”

Thorin nodded, “We’d need room to build in there. Not much give if we packed them all in. Two are stacked as the other is off by itself.”

Dwalin looked from his cousin to the box making Thorin grin knowing he was feeling the same urge to build it as he and Frerin had upon passing the kit that just drew the eye in the mostly assembled home.

Bilbo grinned seeing the bread tucked into the tiered bread boxes then shifted his eyes to the lemon slices coated in honey and sugar lying in a clear pan. “Are those lemons?”

“Yes, do you need lemons, my tree is just exploding with them.”

“Don’t use them often, however, what are you making with this?”

“I have some lime left too that I’m letting cool in the fridge freshly crushed that I will layer with cherry drizzle and peach peels.” His eyes narrowed and you grinned saying, “You add them to little cucumber crackers, have to freeze it first, it’s like an ice cream brittle.”

Frerin’s eyes narrowed asking, “Who taught you that?”

“I assume it’s an Elf thing if you haven’t heard of it. Cirdan’s Naneth taught me.”

Thorin entered the room with a grin coming to bring out the lime he helped you to layer with the peach peels in the other bowl you then added to the freezer. His relative’s curious glances had him saying, “It will be lovely, now, Mafioso, since we are greater in number and require distraction how about we crack open one of those bed kits? Hmm?”

Kili walked in grinning as Fili asked, “What are we building?” Gladly making room for Mal between them who grinned at you.

“Alright, since you outnumber me.” That was your reply and leading the way you found the toolbox beside the first kit Thorin grinned brightly at you having been caught at his obvious wish to sneak time to break this kit open anyways with or without you. “Oh,” the kit was unpacked with all supplies organized by lettered sticker and size, certain to leave brackets and the screws and nails in their lettered bags inside the ring of wood for easier access.

“Oh?” The others parroted back and you glanced up, “It’s in Avari...” looking up at the doorway you asked Roac from his dangle in the doorway arch asking, “Could you ask Kuu here? He knows Avari better than I do.” Sighing as you recounted the countless nature shows he absorbed in the language you had been trying to learn to share that time with him.

The Dwarves couldn’t help but grin at the thought of being led in this project by a great owl but smiled openly at his eager perch off to the side grinning at the booklet propped up so you could see the pictures and he could read the words. Tangled in holds to keep the halfway assembled platform frame backs began to clench and limbs tremble as he read, “Firmly lodge squirrel into each corner faucet.”

Heads turned to the bird as you said, “I am fairly certain that rune is not squirrel. I promise you it’s not.”

“No, it says clearly, squirrel and faucet, the latter however I am doubting. Hmm.” With feathers fluffing up his body turned with head straightening up from its sideways bend in a trot to the door. “I will fetch my translation guide.”

Once clear of the door the others chuckled at your mutter of, “It’s not squirrel...” Resting your forehead on the wood plank you were holding up. On Fili’s right as he kept his corner steady for Kili to add whatever the non squirrel part into the non faucet part to latch all four panels together to form a sturdy base the middle panels would be screwed into separating the cubbies for storage underneath the bed to go with the smaller ones around the edges of the cushioned headboards.

“It is not squirrel,” he replied once open translation dictionary was laid out beside the booklet and you rolled your eyes to yourself out of his view hearing him flip the page to double check faucet as well before the project could carry on. “Secure the screw into the locked brackets.”

Glancing at the bird you heard Kili ask, “Which screw? There’s twelve types.”

Kuu grinned with head tilted over the booklet and read the letters off for which end of the bed they were going in. Chuckles were muffled from those around you and the project continued. Until with a deep sigh all heads turned to the next kit as Kuu excitedly moved his things on top of the completed bed to be out of the way for the next tricky kit. Having ended the first where more than a few of you had been pinched or bitten by one piece or another with more than enough bruises to spare and Thorin with two fingers taped together in what would begin to be a trend among the group.

Home and ready to greet their clan the twins to Balin and his wife’s the whole clan was gathered. Your group being last after having finished off the final fourth bed now marked off your list just waiting for the mattresses and to be made. Not far away the walk didn’t take long and with presents in hand Thorin led the way proud to have your braid, his ring and the first couple gift from the pair of you to go with the treats you had brought. All eagerly claimed at the door with Thorin first to be lured over to his cousins’ youngest their elder sister smiled and waved to. You however smiled speaking to Gorgo in her elated sharing of news on a cousin of theirs, “All us expecting have gotten extra testing and one of her cousins has the same condition they found and she is having a precautionary c-section as well in a week, very near to the end of her term as well.”

“Oh-,”

Her hand claimed yours through her smile, “Now we know, it’s a genetic condition that in a few months a small procedure can correct to prevent this again, they have a blood test for it and without pregnancy it is easier to treat for those who do have it from her line. Doctors don’t normally test for it that is how it was missed all this time in their clan. Please don’t worry, a big fuss won’t be made, but when you are ready for pebbles of your own we will all hope to be as supportive as you have been to us, one Amad to another.”

Dis by her side smiled seeing Thorin halfway pouting after his turn in greeting the non giggling duo and moved to speak with their parents stealing a glance back to you sharing the details on the ring the couple had spotted. Nodding her head she said, “Your turn, if they don’t giggle the couple chooses by default.”

Across the room you went to the bassinet holding the contently grunting twins whose eyes came to focus on you as you came to stand over them, “Well look at you two. Clever little Lark and a coy little Fox.” Fast and shrill the pair shrieked out in unison for the start of a trio of giggles at your hand lowering to tap the soles of their raised feet with toes wiggling. Both boy and girl fully expecting the attention to them as everyone else had given the customary swipe of fingers along the bottom of their feet in the Hobbitish welcome.

All around you however smiles spread at the highly acceptable choice of their godmother with a slightly confused Frerin behind you who was chosen as godfather at the next set of silence splitting giggles while you moved to Thorin’s side. The elder brother however chuckled easing his arm around your back leaning in to press a gentle kiss to your forehead and grin at his younger brother saying, “Bout time you gained a giggle.”

Balin chuckled as his wife said to you, “The pair of you will suit out twins nicely. How did you guess their animal guides?”

“Feeling, bit like a dream,”

That made her grin spread, “Your Hobbit is showing,” making you grin to yourself.

Balin however said, “Fine gift you made my cousin.”

“Thank you, call me selfish but I’d have hated for Thorin to lose himself, me and his bond with all of you.”

That had Balin and his wife looking to Thorin who flashed a grin saying, “Ones betrothed to Vanyar trade gifts or the Blue Moon makes them lose themselves, their Ones and to their kin. Like our Donkey Days.”

That had you grin sheepishly, “Though ours tend to be more foreboding.”

Thorin, “It’s to honor Varda sparing a pair of lovers set apart by distance who risk meeting under the Blue Moon sleeping in the forest holding hands under a sheet of woven clover, it’s a beautiful story.” He said peering at you sweetly a moment then to his smiling cousins again.

Balin, “Very beautiful. Though Gran nearly had a heart palpitation seeing that ring.”

“I know it’s big, it has to be a size proportionate to my wealth. And I had the emerald and galvorn and ithildin in my trunks.”

Balin’s wife chuckled, “They are lovely choices.”

“Well if you need any gems I got some.” Making her chuckle again with Balin.

At least until she opened the gifts and let out soft gasps at the blankets decorated with foxes and larks with a fox and lark stuffie to go with each perfect for each of them she hugged you both in thanks. Gifts they were tucked in with at their naptime, which came fairly soon at their yawn that rippled through the household ushering everyone out with respectful nods nice and quiet to not disturb the duo with Frerin gladly taking up Billi accepting another night in charge of his niece to let the babies still get adjusted to being home. Mal and the boys under Dwalin and Bilbo’s watch were off to a film on an impromptu date night under supervision to a cgi kid friendly film they and Frodo had been waiting to see easing its approval by all.

Beside you however Gorgo stole a chance to sneak a few pictures of the carrier you had made for your first draft having already taken pictures of the leather bindings you had done for the movements as a set. “We just want to be sure to honor the full setup you have to be true to the series. Are your other drafts bound similarly?”

“Second and third, yes. Haven’t gotten to the etchings yet, I usually wait until then to bind them. But I had an idea for the spines especially that they would form a picture after the first novel.”

Gorgo, “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

“Though there are a few symbols pertaining to Durin I’d need clearance on first to be certain they are fine.”

Thorin beside you said, “Of course we would love to approve them. There aren’t many that would be restricted from use pertaining to Durin for the public.”

“Not truly for restricted reasons, more like a spell check of sorts on his runes I used for one of his titles.” Making Thorin chuckle, “There’s one title I keep inversing and I can’t seem to keep it straight in my head when writing it as you read it out of order.”

Gorgo grumbled, “That one-,”

And Thorin chuckled out, “Each Dwarf Father has their own jumbled title, others get those mixed all the time.”

“Well I know I got it right in the book, just, on it.”

Gorgo grinned, “We will gladly check any of those issues for you that you might feel timid on.”

“There is one when I was writing it none of the Dwarves got on Ruun, it’s a pun but obviously it went over their heads.”

Thorin, “In Khuzdul?” You nodded and he said, “Yes, Khuzdul has rules on puns.”

“Well I’m not taking it out,” making him chuckle again, “Part of the point it’s in there, Bunny tells it to Durin and it flies over his head and he gets into this huge argument over the logic of it until the Countess gestures it was a pun then he stops laughs then silence.”

Gorgo giggled out, “Oh that is painful, please tell me that is close to the courting.”

“It’s actually closer to the fifth try for him to propose.”

Thorin whispered, “Fifth-,” smoothing his fingers over his mouth.

Gorgo however asked, “Does he succeed?”

“No, there’s an emergency he gets called away.” Making them both groan until you said, “But I can say he doesn’t see her apparent proposal coming.”

Thorin, “Ok, I’ll bite, how so?”

“She tackles him from off the top of a cupboard.” Caught in his throat his chuckles began to Gorgo’s loud laugh just imagining how relieved the First Woken Dwarf would feel after a proposal of that caliber after so much struggle. “Though she doesn’t really understand what she did.”

Thorin chuckled out, “Oh I don’t question that a moment.”

His fingers wiping around his eye made you smirk and say, “I think you guys will like it regardless of the struggle.”

Gorgo nodded then asked in a moment of stoic resolve, “If this is, Bunny, meant to be his final wife in his last two lives, how will that come into the story?”

“That, um, that you might not like. Bunny has her fea stolen and he has to travel to the Halls of Mandos to find her.” Dropping their grins, “It gets, a bit dark, but there’s some meaning behind it.”

Thorin, “How did you think of that?” He asked making your eyes narrow as if you had found some semblance of truth to that fact.

Shrugging your shoulders you said, “There was a Kurdu fable with a sort of similar notion to it. Should I change it?”

The both of them said, “No!”

And Thorin cleared his throat to say, “One of Durin’s journeys, that fable, it talks about his child, though the notion is similar, a test of faith and bonds. That one fable has never been touched on in any adaptation of his lifetimes,”

“Oh,” you said softly.

Gorgo said, “This tale, from what you’ve shared of Durin so far he needs this test. This is one of the truest versions to his being that we’ve come across, that is why people love it. We have to see him at his highest in this imagined flying shark craft of yours to the lowest when he is scouring for the lost soul of the one he cherishes most.”

“No pressure there then,” you murmured and he took your hands.

“No one else has the words, has ever been able to grasp who he was to the core and show that to those who don’t understand our culture and traditions and still get the point across. It doesn’t need to be accurate but the very essence of the Father of the Longbeard Clan is that he would sacrifice all to scour the Halls of Mandos to retrieve his cherished one. He needs that struggle or he is hollow, that drive and urge that we all feel for our Ones. That message is so hard to convey to non-Dwarves so it is often skipped over for more lighthearted topics. We are steadfast, hewn from the living stone, we never falter, he never did. And he prevailed and Mahal sent them back home once his fight was through.”

“Well Mahal’s not in it, it does involve him throwing his crown at a kraken though.” Making Thorin’s grin split wider in his try not to laugh at how you would drag the devastated King to that possible try to uplift the depressing slump to the tale. “There’s a lot of symbolism, and a lot to sort of let your mind interpret on its own. And there’s sort of an unspoken uncertainty how they get back, but they are.”

Gorgo, “Which would be accurate, because Mandos has to protect the paths back from his halls.” She smirked asking, “Mandos doesn’t send them back?”

You shook your head, “They hatch out of fake giant eggs giant eagles fly off with from a fire.” Making Thorin turn to rub his face with shoulders shaking to keep from laughing, “I don’t try to make it a comedy or funny at all but my friends have read it and they always laugh because, I guess it’s just a release?”

Thorin, “It will be more than worth it.”

“Oh, how does your clan see using a beard as a weapon?” That had their brows inch up, “See when he finds her his beard has grown like two feet and he braids it in two and ends them with metal balls and he sort of spins them around and uses them as weapons of sorts to hit people in the face.”

“Oh that is brilliant,” Thorin muttered under his breath.

Gorgo, “Where were you growing up? That would have been awesome to have on one of our programs! Every pebble would want to dress up as them on our mask day.”

“So not offensive?”

“No!” they both said.

Thorin chuckled out, “We’ve even had clans hide little compartments in their beards for snacks or notes or even spare trinkets and gold. It all depends on the Dwarf. And that sounds so bad ass for Durin.”

“Okay, then in the future be prepared to have me ask about a legal pad worth of questions on this stuff.”

Gorgo, “We will answer anything you need.” She said finishing her task to photograph the carrier with and without the three movements inside then at the chiming of her phone she was off to head home with Gloin at his having finished helping to settle Billi in at Frerin’s for the evening. Leaving just you and Thorin who helped you delve into more fables that were also centered or based on Durin in hopes of granting you more to draw from if need be.

Soup and grilled cheese was your send off for an early dinner that once settled on the table Thorin hummed out, “My family loved the ring, and seeing my braid in your hair.” He paused a moment then said, “I forgot to put my sheets in the dryer.”

That had you giggle and teased, “You know, the barrel method is fool proof against that.”

He smirked and excused himself to shift the sheets then return, lingering at your side as you peered up at him to cup your cheek and lean in to plant his lips on yours in a warm lingering kiss. Softly his thumb trailed against your cheek as his eyes met yours again, only for a moment though before his theft of a second brief press of his lips to yours. Almost regrettably he lowered his hand to sit back in his former place keeping his eyes on yours making you ask, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m thinking of how to ask if I could sleep in yours tonight.” That made you smirk and he rumbled lowly, “And I am conceding I would not have missed this step with a barrel method. It has its plusses.”

That had you giggling softly, “There’s always a spot in mine for cuddling if you need it, tons of blankets too.”

“Thank you, for conceding on the mattresses and bed frames. How is Kuu handling the busy day?”

“Good, really glad to have helped. Rarely gets to practice Avari. He loved it, being part of a team actually. Do you think mint would be okay for the portrait?”

“To wear? You would look lovely in mint for it.”

“I figured it would either be that or my yellow dress, but I was going to wear my hair down and it might clash.”

“Wear whatever color you choose.”

The ladies mentioned I might not wear the navy.”

“No, they would suggest against that, did not go well for Amad choosing against her clan colors, at least until they heard her Gran made the dress for her before she passed. Choose what color you wish.”

“Well I would wear the silver one I got but I think it might be a bit too, flashy. Or should I go flashy?”

“Choose the mint. I have a mint tie, to go with my navy suit.” He hummed out making you grin again, “The bright colors will pop against our flock, what do you think about in the greenhouse for that picture? So Darling won’t have to leave her nest?”

“If you like, I’m not very good at all this. I think Naneth would like one of us in the greenhouse, Cirdan mentioned maybe the fireplace in the living room. Some of the portraits in the atrium are personal so not there.”

“I understand that, I noticed her signature on a few of them, and that piano alone, can’t photograph that.” Your eyes hovered over his and he said, “Bad omens to photograph singing stone instruments in the house outside of family photo albums, and never when not played. If there’s anything you have rules like that on let me know. Amad most likely will want the typical armchair or couch pictures everyone does with one of our flock for a more personal one to share of our little household.” Making you giggle at his own chuckle, “Respectfully excluding the back yard of course.”

“Yes, Hector is not fond of pictures, and his mate might eat one of the strangers,” making him chuckle again. “They are warming up to us though, and babies, they liked having Frodo and Billi here.”

“Twins will be over soon enough for them to fawn over, we are on the sitting list as you remember, top of it thanks to those giggles.”

“So soft,” he heard you sigh through the hall while readying for bed. His smile cemented in place from the time he entered the room eyeing you nestling under the new fake panda fur blanket lying across the bed claiming your spot right in the middle of the monster of a bed leaving plenty for him to join you in. Though right where he wanted was cuddled up to you and adamantly secured his own soft spot in a clear relent to being your pillow as well only pleasing him all the more knowing he’d wake with you across his chest again.

Pt 51

All –

@himoverflowers, @theincaprincess, @aspiringtranslator, @sweeticedtea, @thegreyberet, @patanghill17, @jesgisborne, @curvestrology, @alishlieb, @jogregor, @armitageadoration, @fizzyxcustard, @lilith15000, @marvels-ghost, @catthefearless, @imjusthereforthereads, @c-s-stars, @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore, @mariannetora, @shes-a-killer-kween, @ggbbhehe4455, @xxbyimm (Hobbit x oc)

Hobbit/LotR – @abiwim, @jotink78, @pastelhexmaniac

x Thorin – @evyiione, @deepestfirefun, @queenoferebor

#Giggle Party #Building Beds #Owl's in Charge #Twins #Family get togethers #Bonding #Thorin x Reader OC #Modern AU

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alwaysanotherrainbow · 4 years

Text

my boyfriend never texts first

Remus just wants to not be the first one to send a message every once in a while. That’s not too much to ask, right?

relationship: romantic remrom, background remy and emile (also romantic)

warnings: major character death, extended mourning (secondary warnings- brief discussion of religious holidays, brief underage drinking mention, a lot of all-caps) notes: unrelated, human, hs/college au. virgil, emile, and remy are here too. If you need anything in the secondary warnings (or one of those latter three characters) edited out, please let me know and I can put that up for you!

____________________________________________________

Remus always texted him first. Always. It didn’t matter the situation, didn’t matter the time date place name face. Who what when where why. It first started when he texted hi roman :) when they first got phones; for whatever reason, Roman just never texted first. Either he’d call or they’d talk in person.

No matter. Remus could cope.

May 1:

8:37 PM tody i saw you by my locker 8:39 PM *today 8:42 PM why didnt you say hi?

May 2:

9:30 PM a teacher talked to me today 9:30 PM wanted to talk about how i’m doing after 9:52 PM well you know. he’s a sick bastard

Really, it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? He just wanted to see him text first once in a while! May 7:

3:32 PM: by the way idk if you got this last time 3:36 PM: my class ring size is the medium 3:44 PM: hopefully you order it by the deadline :P 4:03 PM: no idea when the deadline is 4:20 PM: bLAZE IT 4:24 PM: sorry i have like 0 money so i got it from the consignment shop 4:31 PM: i hope you like synthetic rubies!! leaving them with ur dad 10:40 PM: update. i cried for four hours with your dad.

June 2:

7:30 AM: gRaDuAtIoN dAy!!! 7:32 AM: there’s cookies in the reception menu 7:35 AM: snickerdoodles your favorite [eyes] 10:02 AM: i’m getting some for u 10:05 AM: [kissy face] 7:40 PM: the announcement was Weird 7:43 PM: anyways i have the snickerdoodles (Remus couldn’t go over to where Roman was staying, so he left them in the living room. He knew Roman would appreciate them. Hopefully he’d come over (wait, probably not, given...))

Well, actually, he could understand why he never texted first. June 11:

12:14 PM: roMAN 12:16 PM: [Attachment: Remus_Picani-Kleitman_Acceptance_Letter.pdf] 12:18 PM: YEAHHHH 12:24 PM: I’m sure you got in too SEND ME YOURS WHEN YOU GET IT 12:32 PM: WE MIGHT SHARE A ROOM YEA 12:35 PM: [Attachment: celebration.jpg]

Everyone was probably saying that he ought to just move on, but to be honest, he couldn’t... Actually, to be honest, no-one had told him to move on to his face yet. In fact, everyone was surprised he was doing so well, given how bad the circumstances were! The situation was stressing him out so much, even his dads were gently advising him to rethink things. (Well, that was part of the territory with one of them being a therapist and the other being a barista.)

“I got y’all some kouign-amann from the cafe,” said Dad, putting it down on the counter. His shirt had SLEEP scrawled on it with a Sharpie; it was the one that Remus had made for him as a joke. He still wore it. Huh.

“Sweetie, what’s a queen amahn?” asked Papa.

“It’s a... er, it’s like a... this is kinda like a croissant that had dreams of a muffin tin and salted caramel. One for you, babe.... then one for Doodlebug-”

“Can I leave some for Roman?” asked Remus.

They exchanged a glance.

“Of course you can,” said Papa with a smile. “Your candle’s on the table. Also, I got the news about being accepted into university? Good job, kiddo. You know, that was your father’s alma mater.”

“Are you sure you want to go to school right away after...? No problem taking a gap year.”

Papa glared at Dad. “Be nice.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, it’s just...” Dad put down his coffee. “If you’re not ready, if you need more time-”

"I’m sure,” said Remus with a grin, trying to get rid of what he just remembered. “Trust me.”

“Please find a good way to put away the snickerdoodles, they’ve been there since last week!” shouted Papa.

June 12:

12:12 AM: its twelve twelve make a wish 12:15 AM: hey when does your phone bill go out? 12:20 AM: im just saying that would Explain some things 12:22 AM: i know your dad pays Everything like a year in advance 12:34 AM: tell him i say hi 12:34 AM: 12:34 MAKE A WISH

July 12:

3:30 PM: guess who’s a double major in bio and theatre!! 3:32 PM: marine biology babey 3:53 PM: it’s good for the SOUL 4:04 PM: this cute octopus reminded me of you by the way 4:10 PM: [Attachment: for_roman]

August 14:

6:24 PM: moving in is the Worst 6:32 PM: by the way i got a single 6:35 PM: no roommates 6:41 PM: still have the bunk tho 6:44 PM: also got ur favorite pillo

August 30:

2:12 AM: roman it is like two o’clock in the morning what the Heck are you doing here, 2:15 AM: if u see me wave Hi 2:32 AM: ok >:c 2:42 AM: dont mind Me just studyin on top of the planetarium 3:15 AM: tbh i didn’t even know we go to the same campus? haven’t seen you around or anything 3:17 AM: shit phones gonna di

September 28:

2:20 PM: i failed my test 2:22 PM: idk what to d 2:24 PM: *do

September 29: 7:30 PM: remember that octopus you gave me that eats negative emotions? 7:32 PM: it works!!

October 3:

1:10 PM: You’d like the theatre program, really 1:15 PM: just so u know they’ve listed your name as an ‘honorary member of the class of’ 1:19 PM: that’s really nice of them. idk if your dad knows

October 23:

9:45 AM: i had to explain one of our inside jokes 8( 9:52 AM: i can’t Explain the deodorant thing that was One Time 9:55 AM: also why i’m called The Duke 9:56 AM: its bc you said it. not my fault 9:58 AM: its still cute pls call me that still 9:59 AM: pancake brunch pancake brunch pancake brunch October 31: 6:12 PM: sun’s down! joyous samhain 6:15 PM: i remember when you sewed me that octopus btw, the one that eats ucky feelings 6:19 PM: how long did it take you to get the laurel sachet into it?? 6:34 PM: also thank you thank you thank you for helping me find a friendly church to celebrate all saints day 6:47 PM: that year was a NIGHTMARE because you forgot to get your white candles and carnelian, and i forgot my holy water, so we were driving around town like Madmen 6:59 PM: it was worth it though 7:03 PM: i left you a script, i think you’ll like it.

November 9:

11:19 PM: i miss you so so much.

November 10:

12:20 AM: ignor this i drank like 12:24 AM: a lot 1:15 AM: i’m sorry i should’ve been with you 1:22 AM: i shouldve been there With You. 1:45 AM: but i wasn’t 2:20 AM: i didn’t know thered be a 4:11 PM: shit i just saw these. Sorry to bother you December 2:

10:10 AM: hey roman, been a bit. yea sorry about last time. too much of the Alcohol 10:13 AM: gonna go over to my parents’ house 1:00 PM: if you wanna come over, you can. dad’s making snickerdoodles and papa’s gonna watch atla (yes i still have that dvd you got me do not @ me it’s with your candles on your table just like everything else) 1:03 PM: that was on the dot, i’m happy.

December 21

8:34 AM: hey, it’s snowing 9:13 AM: couldn’t help leaving you some hot cocoa. and snickerdoodles of course 10:12 AM: i love you Remus went to go help his dads with making breakfast, but by the time everyone was done cleaning and they had finished watching some shitty Hallmark movie, he remembered that he had left his phone upstairs. Going upstairs and looking at it, he felt something in him break.

[2 Unread: Roman <3, bf’s dad]

10:22 AM, Roman <3: Why are you texting this number? 11:15 AM, bf’s dad: Remus, disregard that last, I’m so sorry. I just found his phone and I saw only the recent message first

The phone started ringing. Remus answered it as quickly as he could.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Sanders I didn’t know that someone was actually getting these messages I thought the line was out,” he said within a few seconds before the person on the other side sighed.

“No, it’s quite all right. And Virgil’s all right, by the way, if you prefer. I... I was just looking through his things for the first time. You know, it being a holiday and all... Memories, things like that.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I just turned the phone back on, I’m getting a lot of messages.”

“Oh.” Remus stared at the wall, trying to come to terms with everything. “Well, I--”

“I’m not going to stop paying for his phone. I’m sorry, I just... I still have his voicemails on it, and I can’t stand the thought of it going offline either.”

“Right, I... I listen to it too.”

“I happened upon the last one he sent to you.”

“You looked at the messages?”

“I only looked over when I stopped getting new ones, but I saw the last question he sent you. For your ring size.”

“Yeah? He asked my ring size so that he could--”

“There’s no easy way to say this, but.. I found something of his. Can you come over?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, but can you please tell me what it was? Please?”

“I really think I should tell you this in person.”

“Please, Mr. Sanders. Please, I... I can’t manage that.”

He sighed. “All right, Remus. I found an early acceptance letter to SJAU, and... and a ringbox.”

Remus felt his grasp on the phone grow weak. It fell onto the bed, Mr. Sanders’ voice still clear.

“I think he was going to ask for you to....”

“No, we... We were just out of high school, I-- that doesn’t make sense.”

“He always was one for those romantic gestures. There’s some poems here, too. A life-plan. I’m not sure exactly what malacology is, but--”

“Mollusks. Like octopi and squids.. Sorry for cutting you off, what was that?”

“Some of it’s in your handwriting, but one of the entries is ‘ask him’, for the day after... you know.”

God, he could hear his sad smile through the phone. He knew exactly how Mr. Sanders looked right now just talking to him, probably wearing that hoodie that was too big on him, in a dusty room full of things that used to belong to the most vibrant person that Remus had ever met.

But then Roman had died.

He was the most wonderful person, and he had just died.

“I’ll come over to deliver the ring to you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s... that’s fine. Uh, call my dads first, though. They’re still not convinced I’m doing okay.”

“I understand. I’ll talk to you later, Remus.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders.”

The line went dead in his hands.

Remus held himself and wept.

December 28:

12:30 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: Mr. Sanders, would you like to come over for our New Year’s party? 12:34 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: It’s a tradition we had. You don’t have to if you’d rather not. 12:45 PM, Virgil Sanders: I’d love to go.

January 1:

12:00 AM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 12:05 AM: [Attachment: :)] 12:07 AM: we are all smiling in this photo and for that i think we deserve a hug. 12:10 AM: this rings the most beuatifl thing i’ve ever fuckign seen. thank you,, 12:14 AM: never gonna get rid of it <3 12:16 AM: it looks Good on my finger 12:30 AM: jsyk your dad’s asking my dads for the kouign amann recipe 12:32 AM: thats a pastry, i left those for u a while back 12:39 AM: okay i’m crying a bit but honestly, i love u 12:44 AM: I love you so so so much, Roman

Somewhere out there, whether it was from some wonderful paradise or beyond the veil or even only in wishful thoughts, Remus knew that someone was saying I love you too.

#remrom #remrom writing #my fics

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whiskynottea · 5 years

Photo

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27, Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35, Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44, Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52, Chapter 53, Chapter 54, Chapter 55, Chapter 56, Chapter 57

AO3

Thank you @theministerskat for your beta! ❤️

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Chapter 58. Rain

How long can one night be?

It felt like I was lying in my bed for ages. I wanted to get up, run, do something, but the darkness was heavy outside my window, and my heart felt heavier.

My heart, the one that kept beating, no matter how many times my breath hitched in my throat.

My heart, carrying its own heavy load, waiting.

Holding off was slowly killing me, but I had resolved not to call him again.

Hours had passed while my phone remained silent. A sinking sensation wrapped around me, dragging me down, deeper and deeper.

What had happened, exactly?

I had spent the first few hours rationalizing.

What if something happened to him? No. John would call me. Jamie is fine.

Maybe he forgot his phone at the pool and they are all out celebrating now. But he would send something from John’s phone, right?

Not if he’s still mad at me for not calling him before the race.

Maybe he needs time, and he will call when he’s ready. He’s stressed, and he’s exaggerating. It will be okay.

If only he called sooner.

I had messed up, yes, but it wasn’t like I had been out for drinks, having fun, and ignoring him. And it wasn’t like we hadn’t talked all day. I would explain myself. I would tell him the truth and ask him to forgive me. Simple as that.

Not that I hadn’t done that in my texts already. But texts were not the same.

I closed my eyes and imagined his disappointment when the time had come and I didn’t call, when I didn’t reply to his messages. I could see in my mind’s eye how upset he must have been, his deep breaths as he tried to focus on the impending race. I hoped he’d thought of all the times I wished him good luck in the past, of how much I loved him and believed in him. Or at least to forget everything about me and give his best to the race.

It didn’t matter, really. Nothing was as important as winning the race.

I knew he would do well. He was the best swimmer I had ever seen.

It will be alright. He’ll call back and it will be alright.

I tried to stick with this line of thought and get some sleep. Make this endless night go by faster.

But sleep wouldn’t come.

Where was he? The chances he’d lost his phone were…scarce. He’d seen my texts and was still so angry that he couldn’t even reply?

A single message was all I needed. ‘I’m fine, won the race, we’ll talk tomorrow.’ How hard was that?

It was the first time Jamie had done this. The first time he blatantly ignored me. The first time he didn’t want to talk to me.

Or rather, the second. The first one had been when he got the scholarship, but that had been different.

This wasn’t at all like him.

Maybe he’s preparing a surprise for me?

The week following the New Jersey race would be a slack one. Maybe he’d come to visit me, to celebrate with me.

I let hope nestle in my chest, its arrival gifting me with a few full breaths. Maybe he was flying to England right now. A smile curled the corners of my mouth, up and up, until I was biting my bottom lip in a smile full of expectation.

A moment later, reality crashed on me. Exactly when I was the most vulnerable. It always does that, waiting in the corner until we give way to the dreams, and then rushes to overtake us. With a single move, reality names the dream an illusion and takes it away, with a low, malicious snicker.

My smile vanished in a matter of seconds. Jamie wasn’t coming, and I was a fool to even think he would. He was in New Jersey, celebrating with his friends.

The waiting was killing me. I held in my tears, refusing to cry when I didn’t even know why. When I didn’t know what was happening.

He had left me hanging. He had left me in the dark, alone, with no power over anything.

I felt small. Insignificant. Alone.

When the first tears stained my pillow, sleep took pity on me.

I didn’t dream.

–

Mary’s voice woke me and I felt her hand gently nudging my side.

“Claire? Are you coming to the lecture? We need to go in fifteen minutes.”

The lecture? Did the world have the audacity to go on when my life was crumbling?

For the first time in my life, I didn’t care about the lecture. I didn’t care about anything at all, after checking my phone to find that nothing had changed since the previous night.

That was a living hell, I was sure of it.

I pushed all thoughts and emotions deep down and got out of bed. It would do me no good to stay in the dorm all day, and I had practicals that I couldn’t miss anyway.

I brushed my teeth mechanically for a good five minutes and washed my face with freezing water until the bones in my hands ached from the cold.

Numb – I needed to be numb. Retreat to that place deep inside me where I was safe. A peal of cruel laughter left my lips.

This place, and all the bloody safe places inside me had been opened for him.

There was no safehouse, no hidden crypt. I had given everything and I had nowhere to go now.

I started crying again and immediately rinsed the tears away.

Get yourself together. Don’t think.

I left the bathroom and got dressed. Mary looked at me with a frown, but didn’t ask any questions. I loved her for it. No prying. She would patiently wait until I was ready to talk. Which meant never, in this case.

We walked to campus and headed towards the auditorium. I vaguely registered that it was an interesting lecture, one of those that would fill my head with questions and ideas on any other day. Not today.

Today, I took notes like an automaton. I breathed like an automaton. When the lecture finished, I talked to others like an automaton.

It was like living in virtual reality. I was at Oxford, going on with my day, responding to the stimuli around me as if they were real, but I had this feeling that everything was only a projection on a wall, and real-life would look like the earth had been destroyed by meteors. Or a collision with another planet.

Or maybe that was just my world.

I went on with my day as if nothing had changed, as if I could breathe as easily as the next student in the practical.

I nodded mechanically and I even smiled once or twice when everyone was laughing, because I felt like I had to.

I checked my phone every minute. It felt like a punch in the gut. When I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned it off, only to panic and turn it on five minutes later.

Not that I had missed anything.

I thought of texting Jamie again, but what else was there left to say? How many times can one apologize before those three words sound cheap?

I wrote ‘I love you’ at least ten times, only to erase the message a moment later. Didn’t he know that I loved him? What difference would a text make?

After our practical, I followed Mary to the library. I sat down with a heavy textbook and ended up reading the same line twenty times.

It was then that my phone vibrated against the wooden desk.

My heart jumped to my throat, and my knees trembled as I tried to stand up.

It was him, and he was smiling in the picture on my screen and I just wanted to fall back on my chair and start crying.

I didn’t. I swallowed hard, instead, and ran outside. Fat raindrops hit my face, but I hardly noticed them. I wore my earphones, and slid a finger across the screen.

“Hi,” I said, walking away from the entrance and leaning against the exterior wall, trying to shelter myself from the rain as well as I could. The light post was only four feet away, but my face was covered in shadows.

“Hi, Claire.” Jamie tried for a smile, but ended up taking a deep breath instead.

My heart was beating so fast I thought it would break through my chest. A ridiculous thought from an aspiring doctor, and yet there it was.

“How did it go?” I asked. “The race,” I clarified, as if it wasn’t obvious.

“Second. I finished second.”

Second. Shit. Is this the reason he didn’t call?

His face was a mask, his voice colourless. I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry? It sounded stupid. Don’t worry?

I nodded twice, before I mumbled, “Congratulations.” He didn’t seem to hear it. I cleared my throat and tried again, louder this time. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” he said, dismissively.

And then, silence. A long, heavy silence that stretched and stretched until I couldn’t take it anymore. It was stealing my breath.

“Did you celebrate last night?”

Jamie looked sideways, then back at me. “Aye, we went for drinks wi’ the team.”

“Nice.” I tried to smile. “Did you have fun?”

He closed his eyes and set his jaw. I saw his throat bobbing as he swallowed and waited for his answer, but his mouth opened only to close again.

“Are you alone?” I blurted. It was obvious that we couldn’t keep this conversation going for long, and I didn’t want to start talking about what really mattered if other people were in his room.

“Aye. John is out.”

I tried to smile, and let out a sigh before starting explaining myself. “Jamie, I am so, so, so sorry I didn’t manage to call you yesterday. I know you needed me to call and you’re angry at me, and you’re right… But I was in the middle of a tutorial and time went by, and –” I stopped abruptly and squeezed my eyes tight. “I am sorry.”

Jamie nodded but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t recognize the look in his eyes.

“Talk to me, please. Talk to me, Jamie, we will figure it out,” I pleaded in a quivering voice.

“Claire –”

“Yes?” I bit my lip hard, trying to keep the tears inside.

“I didna call ye yesterday and all day today, because I needed time to think.”

The wall behind me was rough underneath my fingertips as I pushed harder against it, wishing for the pain to ground me. To prepare me, somehow, for what was coming. I knew it. I knew him. I could see right through him. The way he talked, how he looked at me… I recognized that look now – the pain and regret, the determination. Tears blurred my vision before he could go on.

“This isna working, Claire,” Jamie said, and I felt a thousand daggers sinking into my heart. I felt them hovering around me all day, biding their time. A whimper left my mouth before I could stop it, and I pushed my lips together in reflex. I looked at Jamie, at the bloody screen, and tried to keep my raging emotions under control.

“What –” I started in a broken voice, and I summoned all my courage to go on. I wouldn’t stop this conversation before it had even started because I was crying. I pushed my fingernails into the wall, willing it to support me. “What do you mean?” When Jamie only shook his head, I continued. “Since when is it not working?” I huffed a laugh, challenging him. “I forgot to text you once, and that’s it? I’m not good enough for you?”

That rilled him up. “Did I ever say ye’re not good enough for me, Claire?” he demanded. “Dinna put words in my mouth!” He then murmured something under his breath, lowering his eyes.

“So what is this? You don’t call, don’t text, don’t even tell me that you need time to think and I’m here waiting for you to deign to inform me that things aren’t working out because the idea stuck in your head?”

“It’s not in my head! It’s in my life! This – what we have... It’s not what it once was, and –”

“And you want to end it?” I couldn’t believe I was uttering those words. This had to be a nightmare.

“Aye.” It could have been a whisper of the wind. It could have been a raindrop falling into the river. It could have been the rustling of leaves. But it was his voice, and the sound choked me. A small word I had heard him say thousands of times. The same word, ending it all.

I bit my lip until I tasted blood. I scraped my palm against the wall, and saw the hand holding my phone shaking.

“Why?”

Why are you giving up on us? Why aren’t you patient? Why are you tearing my heart out?

I couldn’t ask that. I wouldn’t. So I just whispered again, “Why?”

“I love ye, Claire,” he said, and I noticed for the first time that he was crying, too.

Hearing his words broke all the walls I’d tried to build to keep my despair aside. “This makes no fucking sense,” I sobbed.

“I ken, I ken,” he repeated. “I love ye, mo nighean donn, mo ghraidh, my Sassenach. I love ye so much and I wish you were here or I was there, but you’re not and I’m not and I canna go on like this.” He said it all with breath, and then this face paled, as if a chunk of life was torn out of his chest.

“No, no, no.” I shook my head violently, wet curls flying and sticking on my face. “We will make it work, we said we would, remember?”

He needed to remember. He just needed to know that we would be together no matter what, and then he would change his mind.

“I canna. I miss you, and this is not what I thought it would be. Seeing you once every three months? What kind of relationship is that?”

“Our relationship!” I all but screamed. “It’s our relationship and we’ll work on it. This is just the beginning and I am overwhelmed a bit by the workload here, but I will get the hang of it. I know I should have called before the race –”

“Claire!” he interrupted me. “This is not about the race. I mean, it is, but it’s not only that. Ye’re not here when I need to cuddle in bed with you after a hard day. Ye’re not here when I want to go out and dance and feel your body against mine. Ye’re not here when good things happen, when bad things happen, when nothing happens… Ye’re not here.”

“Of course I’m not there! I’m right here, doing my best to be a part of your life! And you knew that, Jamie Fraser! You knew I wouldn’t be there!”

“Your best…” he trailed off before finishing the thought. I was ready for another attack, when he said, “I hadna thought it would be so difficult.”

I repeated his words, mocking him.

“Yes Claire! I thought ye’d be with me until your term started, but no! God forbid! Ye had to volunteer and go to Zambia! And then –”

“You said you were okay with me going to Zambia!” I interrupted him, indignant. I felt my cheeks flaming in anger now.

“I said I didna like it! But ye didna step back! Ye said that ye really wanted to go and really, what choice did I have in the matter?”

I snorted, refusing to talk to him. I couldn’t believe that he was holding my trip to Zambia against me. What else was there that he had never talked about?

“Well, I’m not in Zambia right now.”

“Aye, and what good does it do to us? Ye have internet access and we still hardly talk. D’ye think that thirty minutes per day is enough to keep a relationship going? Because it isn’t!”

I took a long breath through my mouth, blinking at him. I couldn’t believe my ears. “We limit the time of the video calls because of your training,” I spat.

“And your practicals, your tutorials…” He shook his head and his red curls fell into his eyes. It had become one of my habits to run my fingers over his forehead and push them aside, but I knew that even if he was in front of me right now that would be the last thing I would do. Smack him on the forehead, maybe. “Ye didn’t come for my race, as we had agreed. Do ye ken how long it is since we had sex?” Jamie asked, bringing me back to our conversation.

I felt my eyebrows curving in an impossible arch. “What? So this – this is about sex?”

“No. Not only sex, but sex is important, too.”

“Our schedule is fucked up!” I declared.

“I ken!” he shot back. “This doesna change the facts though, does it?”

It didn’t. “We can do better,” I said, more calmly now. My breaths were short and fast, and I stopped for a moment, trying to collect myself. “I miss you, too.” Jamie didn’t reply. “I thought I was there for you, I thought what we had was enough.”

I slid down the wall, sitting on the wet pavement. I was soaked by this point and I didn’t care.

“I thought it would be enough. I wanted it to be.” Jamie’s voice was soft, as if he murmured something in my ear as we lay together in bed. “But I want to live, Claire, not to be constantly suspended between two continents. I want to live here, now. And I wanted to share now with you, even though I couldn’t share here. But I can’t even have that.”

Because I hadn’t sent a bloody good-luck-text. “I don’t know what else I can do. I can’t promise that I won’t mess up again, but I can promise that I will try not to. And I’ll be there in a few weeks. We will spend a whole month together.”

“Sassenach,” Jamie rasped, pained. “Stop. Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Love you?” I asked, with an incredulous laugh. “I don’t remember how life was before I loved you.”

Jamie rubbed a hand on his face. His eyes were red and puffed when he looked at me. “It pains me, Claire. It pains me to wake up and know you’re not in my arms, it pains me to count the days until I see ye again. I canna do it anymore.”

I had no breath to speak. Tears kept rolling down my face, and Jamie’s ragged breaths sounded closer through my earphones than the rain pattering on the pavement I sat on. I felt him closer than all the world around me and I wanted to reach out and grasp that feeling, afraid I would never have it again.

“So that’s it?” I croaked, and licked my lips, tasting the salt.

It couldn’t be it. We couldn’t end like this.

“I am sorry. I love you. I will always love you. But maybe this is for the best. For both of us, ye ken.” A sigh, and he continued. “I will focus on my life here, and you on yer studies…”

The words sounded unreal in my mind. I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t agree or oppose the notion, not that it mattered.

Love isn’t a cage. It’s not working that way. Love is like the wind, aiding us in staying airborne, lifting us higher.

“Goodbye, Jamie.”

My finger trembled as I ended the call. I felt the sky drop closer, crushing me. A flash of lightning tore up the darkness in the distance and I closed my eyes, wishing Jamie would be there to hold me in his arms.

But there would be no more Jamie. No one would hold me to keep me safe. No one would brush away the hair from my face. No one would kiss away the tears.

I held my breath in an attempt to verify that my heart was still beating.

It did. My treacherous heart went on with hollow, empty beats against my ribs.

My head hit the wall, and I stayed there, sobbing under the rain until Mary found me.

Chapter 59

#thermodynamics #the first law of thermodynamics #jamie x claire #high school AU #college AU #outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction #sorry?

318 notes · View notes

nero-neptune · 4 years

Text

tag game hehe :)

I was tagged by @lydsmartin

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? pink denman brush 2. name a food you never eat. papayas are the worst! or anything with mayo/ketchup 3. are you typically too warm or too cold? i have anemia so i tend to be cold all the time. even my fingernails turn blue if the temperature drops really low really quick 4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? making beignet dough! (i’m princess tiana for halloween) 5. what’s your favorite candy bar? it is a hard tie between twix and the cookie and creme hershey bar 6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? i went to an atl braves game at the original stadium when i was....really really young. the most significant part of it was that it had fireworks at the end, but its lasting impact is that baseball is no contest my fav sport 7. what is the last thing you said out loud? "we can watch the other halloween episode of the office, and then we’re getting apple cider” 8. what is your favorite ice cream? COFFEE! and when it’s coffee with chocolate pieces in it, even better! 9. what was the last thing you had to drink? COFFEE! 10. do you like your wallet? don’t have a wallet. i’m all pockets and it will for sure be my downfall 11. what is the last thing you ate? a chocolate chip poptart 12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i probably get new clothes three to five times a year and that number has dropped to zero this year. so, no 13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? i caught a glimpse of a kansas city chiefs game that one of my cousins plays in. which is cool, but i don’t care for football 14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? buttery movie theater popcorn. better when there’s free refills 15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? i texted a picture of my costume to one of my friends from college (she and her girlfriend where dressed as a captain and first mate) 16. ever been camping? probably when i was in elementary school. i hate bugs and camping. that’s a white man’s activity 17. do you take vitamins? i take iron bc of the anemia. i’m not gonna check if that’s a vitamin 18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? ....virtual church. which is unbearable bc i haven’t been a christian for a Few Years Now but i still live here and i’m not gonna out myself as a disbeliever in the holy trinity 19. do you have a tan? idk i’m black. and it’s fall so i’m probably a smidge lighter than the summertime? idk 20. do you prefer chinese or pizza? let’s just say that bbq chicken pizza >>>>> 21. do you drink your soda through a straw? who does that? 22. what color socks do you usually wear? i have a collection of multicolored socks and i’ve lost the other pair to so many, so i’m usually wearing mixmatched colorful socks everyday 23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? only on the interstate when everyone else is above the speed limit 24. what terrifies you? getting kidnapped by a weirdo freak and getting murdered. blame my childhood of no cable but TONS of criminal minds 25. look to your left, what do you see? fireplace 26. what chore do you hate most? sweeping! 27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? some margot robbie interview which shook me to the core bc i didn’t know she was australian before that 28. what’s your favorite soda? plain coke. but that new lymonade sprite is getting up there 29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? we are in a pandemic. drive thru, but rarely anyway 30. what’s your favorite number? 42. if you know, you know 31. who’s the last person you talked to? my sister 32. favorite meat? steak 33. last song you listened to? blue moon by the marcels! i helped my sister with a halloween playlist and i love an american werewolf in london. (although, as i’m writing this, the song changed to ‘i put a spell on you’ by ccr) 34. last book you read? art museum libraries and librarianship by joan benedetti bc it was a gift from my last internship and i want to learn more about the field i'm tryna enter lol 35. favorite day of the week? saturday 36. can you say the alphabet backwards? probably. i think i memorized it as a kid and now the tune is in my head 37. how do you like your coffee? dark but sweet. i tend to drink decaf bc either caffeine does nothing at all or it makes me tired 38. favorite pair of shoes? at one point, i wore my original burgundy converse Into The Ground (they got holes and were falling apart but i still wore them bc ~aesthetic~ and they literally fell apart. loved them) 39. time you normally get up? ideally, i would wake up at 10:30am everyday 40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? love that song! and sunsets bc i’m a night owl. 41. how many blankets on your bed? 2 officially but 4 technically bc i use the other 2 as pillows 42. describe your kitchen plates: we got a whole mess of dishes. plain white, beige with brown designs, clear, some powerpuff and hello kitty dishes from when i was a child, burgundy bowls, probably others that we don’t really use anymore but we don’t toss them out either 43. describe your kitchen at the moment: green-brown walls, silver oven and fridge, white cabinets, autumn tablecloth, lots of jackets tossed on the chairs, wet dishes in the strainer(?), cereals on top of the fridge, open windows, an aquarium that’s been empty since the time a fish jumped out and landed to it’s death on the floor back when i was 10 (but we don’t get rid of Anything!) 44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? no 45. do you play cards? i LOVE playing speed/spit! i was a demon at that game! 46. what color is your car? well my Parents’ car is dark grey 47. can you change a tire? never had to. no car of my own 48. your favorite state or province? idk georgia’s alright, the politics suck. louisiana’s nice, the politics SUCK. i don’t remember much about either illinois or washington back when my dad worked in both states and i only went to nyc once when i was 7 and was meeting distant family. ideally, i wanna leave the country 49. favorite job you’ve had? i miss working in the university special collections library so bad!

i am tagging anyone who wants to do this bc i don’t want to end up leaving anyone out lmao

#i have another one of these to do so i'll get to that too!#about me

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ruby-dear · 4 years

Note

all of them except 77, 78, 81, 92 and 96

Ember, I know this was you. I’m doing it, but that’s 93 questions you’re asking for so they’re going under a cut.

1. Talk about your first love. There have been a lot of those, so let me talk about the first one I really remember. I was in eighth grade, at the time, and she wasn’t exactly a great person looking back but she was cool and confident and she liked me, and she called me her best friend, and probably the best school-related memory I’ve ever had was her tackle-hugging me from across a classroom. I didn’t even realize I liked girls until she’d pretty much left my life completely. Maybe I’m looking at it through rose-tinted glasses now, but I think that’s okay, sometimes. 2. What’s the most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard in your opinion? Most of my favorite songs are Owl City, especially the older stuff. It has a soft, dreamlike vibe to it that I find really pretty even when it’s depressing. 3. How’s your heart feeling right now? Pretty good, I think? 4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do? The fun stuff. Bath bombs, makeup, fancy shampoo. Retail therapy actually works pretty well for me, even if a lot of the time I don’t even buy anything. 5. What’s your skincare routine? Um... Shower? 6. How did you get to be so beautiful? Natural talent and carefully learned confidence. 7. Do you have any stuffed animals? Oh, do I. I have like, seventy Webkinz, and that’s without getting into anything else. You could say I collect plushes, even if I don’t do it as actively now. I have a couple of Eevee plushes, too - I’d say I want to own all of them one day, but I’m like, 95% sure that’s not possible. 8. Best trip you’ve ever been on? Once, we went to Prince Edward Island for a week, and my mom surprised me by meeting up with my best friend’s family, who happened to have gotten a room at our hotel for one night. I think that probably wins. 9. Favorite thing about your room? That it’s starting to look like it belongs to me, even if I want to move somewhere else. 10. Opinion on love? It takes work, but it’s worth it.

11. Are you affectionate? Around people I’m comfortable with, definitely. 12. Who do you look up to? The people who have enough confidence to be unapologetically be themselves.

13. Favorite poet? Robert Frost. When I was eleven, I found a book of his poems, and I loved that book so much I didn’t pay any attention in English class at all.

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place? There’s a lot of songs that make me happy. Hard to go wrong with the Pokemon theme, though. As for things that calm me down... It’s Alright by Mother Mother and Misguided Ghosts by Paramore have both got me through a lot.

15. Do you play an instrument? No. I was supposed to learn piano in seventh grade, but I couldn’t read the sheet music so they never let me play, and I tried to learn guitar multiple times but it never stuck for the same reason.

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)? I paint, though not as often as I’d like to! Using acrylics, usually, but watercolors sometimes.

17. Do you dance? What style of dance? I took ballet as a child, til they kicked me out of class, and I still enjoy dancing but I don’t remember any of what I learned.

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology? Gemini. I think it might have some kind of truth behind it, but I’m not really one of those all-or-nothing people. It’s just for fun, you know?

19. Favorite old film? I don’t watch a lot of them. Does The Aristocats count?

20. What’s your hairstyle? It’s long and wavy. I’m getting blue highlights soon.

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion? Light rain. The kind that dries off before you get inside, when the sky is perfectly clear, but it starts falling anyway and it stops just as quickly.

22. What upsets you most about the world? That however hard we try to fix it, we’re unlikely to get very far.

23. Are you in love right now? Yes. At least, I think so.

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them! I have a girlfriend. Is that the same thing? She’s cute and funny and she thinks the same things about me for some reason, and she knows exactly how much of a disaster I can be and hasn’t run away yet.

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them! I have a cat, Little Prince. His sister died about a month ago, and she was the one who usually kept me company (total lap-cat), but ever since he’s usually either close to where I am or comes when I call him over.

26. Do you have a lucky number? Any multiple of seven, but especially fourteen. They’re my favorite numbers for the same reason.

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash? I try to wish on stars, when I see them. Eyelashes I’m usually more annoyed about than anything.

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work? I think anything has the potential to work, given the right amount of effort and intent. That said, I don’t think you’re going to accomplish anything drastic.

29. Do you believe in magic in general? Oh, definitely. Just look at the world we live in. How can you not believe in magic when it’s all around you? The night sky without air pollution, the sunlight dancing on the water, candy cane white hot chocolate - it’s everywhere, in everything.

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion? Everything. There’s something beautiful in everything, if you look for it. Today, let’s say the feeling of sliding around on a hardwood floor in fluffy socks, dancing along to one of your favorite songs.

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue? As a kid, I hated pink. I like it now, though. Blue is my color, light blue especially (particularly with star patterns), so I’ve always liked it.

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite? Am I alloawed to say wind chimes? I’ve always thought they sounded super pretty.

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain? I love them both.

34.Who makes you happy? My friends. All of them, in different ways, the people who are still in my life for various reasons. I love them.

35. What makes you happy? Light rain, strong wind, good music. My cat’s soft meow when I wake him up by accident. White peppermint hot chocolate. Fall colors, string lights, Halloween and winter holidays. Ice and snow and skating, dressing up for no apparent reason. The trick to it all is finding new things every day.

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like? A house big enough for a family. A degree of some kind hanging on the wall. A life where I’m making things because that’s what I love, and I can try new things just for fun, where I don’t have to worry about money so much. The chance to get married someday, maybe.

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? I do! Unless someone else is doing it for me, I generally keep to lipstick and eyeshadow. I’ve never been especially picky about what brands I use, but I usually go to Nyx because it’s on my usual route when I go on shopping trips, and I’m kind of attached now. Plus, nowhere else I’ve been in person has as many bold colours.

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own? I like wearing dresses. My favorite that I still have is a longer black dress, and it’s in serious need of either repair of retirement, but I got it for $20 as a cosplay outfit last year and it served its purpose. I wear it around still, sometimes, because it’s generally an easy fix.

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it? Yeah, a few times. I vent to my friends, usually, and then I eat ice cream and listen to gnash for a while and eventually I start to feel better.

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

41. Introvert or extrovert? Kinda both? It’s complicated.

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI? Is that... Fuck, is that the one with the letters? I think I got ENFP last time, and when I was younger it was INFP.

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, a or an angel? I’ve had people tell me I have ‘fae vibes’ before, so let’s go with that and hope it’s not offensive.

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you? I don’t remember enough of them to feel good about picking one. I basically only listen to music I’m recommended now.

45. Parlez-vous français? A little, by virtue of being Canadian and having driven through Quebec. Not enough to carry on a conversation.

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to? Prince Edward Island, hands down. It’s gorgeous.

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home? When there’s a light breeze, and the perfect song is playing, and the people I love are there. When we’re laughing with each other.

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous! I don’t think it does, honestly? But it does tend to happen when I’m happy.

49. Favorite shoe you own? These ankle boots I got secondhand that have little metal stars on them. I’m gonna be so upset when they finally wear out and I need new ones.

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them? God, no, I’ve tried. Any heel that’s too sharp or pointy or tall is a major problem for me. It’s part of what makes finding shoes such a pain.

51. Do you feel loved? Not always, but yeah. When I remember, or when I ask, or when I’m reminded.

52. How do you express love to those you care about? I try to tell them, but I’m also the type to engage in constant teasing. I’m the friend that punches you in the arm as a show of affection.

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment? The more creative ones. The basics don’t do much for me, honestly, but it’s more about the person saying them anyway.

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you? Make me feel like I don’t have to try so hard to feel like myself.

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been? Walking the downtown city streets in winter. It was cold, sure, but it was gorgeous and I finally felt independent for a while.

56. Are you happy right now? Yeah, I’d say so.

57. What makes you smile? Bad jokes, among other things.

58. Do you laugh a lot? Yeah. A lot more than I used to.

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic? Punk/scenecore. They’ve really influenced my more recent style choices.

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)? Love, definitely.

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married? With someone I love, and the other people I love there too. Somewhere beautiful. I think I do, someday, but it’s not something I’m so worried about.

62. Favorite flower? Roses. Blue Moon Hybrid Tea Roses, in particular, are especially pretty.

63. Favorite artist? I don’t really have one. I do enjoy looking at art, though.

64. Favorite music artist? Owl City.

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you? I don’t know. People seem to think I’m kinder than I believe I am. It’s important to me, yeah, to try and help people and to do nice things.

66. Ever made a playlist for someone? A few times. They were never anything special, as far as I’m concerned.

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath? Long, warm baths and cuddling with my cat. Warm blankets and stories with happy endings.

68. Early bird or night owl? Night owl. I’m a night person.

69. Morning routine? Wake up, do nothing for a while, actually get out of bed and figure out breakfast. While that’s going on, try and figure out if anything important is happening today.

70. Night routine? Get comfortable, then write or daydream til I fall asleep.

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion? Self-confidence and a willingness to help others.

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after? I tend to hold back my feelings til they all fall out. So I end up crying at least twice a month, usually. It helps, yeah.

73. Do you like hugs? From people I feel comfortable with.

74. When was the last time you kissed someone? On the lips? Never.

75. Are you small or tall? Small. I’m 5′0.

76. Do you like wholesome memes? Yes. They’re cute.

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in? Nope. I’ve never lived outside this city, only been on trips.

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports? I’ve only flown once, and I was two, so I don’t remember it very well.

82. The beach or a forest? Sand or bugs? Depends on the day. Today, though, forest.

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood? Evening, usually.

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t? Yeah, when I’m stressed.

85. Favorite kind of tree? Either maple or pine. I’m Canadian, what can I say?

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth? Yes, but there’s only so much one person can do.

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything? Field trips. Adulthood is sorely lacking in field trips.

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book? I used to. These days I still read, but it’s mostly fanfiction. My favorite books, though, are Tamora Pierce’s Emelan series and the first two books of Kenneth Oppel’s Silverwing trilogy.

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment? Trick-or-treating.

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have? I try to let the people I love know that I love them.

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance. I have pretty great hair.

93. Do you worry a lot? Constantly.

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside? The city. The countryside’s nice, but the streetlights and the city skyline are what make me feel at home.

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason? I actually don’t know how to tie laces, so no. I’ve never been able to pick it up. I might get someone sense to, if I could find cool enough laces.

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness? Yeah. It feels good to make people happy, you know?

98. How’s your day/night going? Pretty good! I did just spend over an hour on this, but I finished it, so that’s an accomplishment of its own.

#asks #Anonymous #ember why are you like this #ruby speaks #thank you though

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

Text

1. where were you 2 hours ago? Right here doing surveys. 2. what do you think of your last kiss? I enjoyed it. 3. do you kiss a lot of people? No. I’ve only kissed 3 people. I’m not someone who kisses people on the cheek as a greeting or anything.

4. are you wearing socks right now? Yep. Always. 5. when was the last time you went out of state? 7 years ago.

6. have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? No. I last went at the end of February or early March before shit hit the fan and everything closed. Movie theaters haven’t been open since then. I’ve heard some may start opening up again soon, but I won’t be going. 7. what was the last thing you had to drink? Water. 8. who was the last person to hear you cry? My mom. 9. who was the last person to make you smile? It was my doggo. 10. what was the last food you ate? Ramen. 12. have you bought any clothing items in the last week? No. 13. do you have a pet? Yep, my doggo. <3 14. what did you do last night? What I do every night: Ate ramen, scrolled through Tumblr, watched YouTube videos, did surveys, and listened to ASMR. 16. if you could be anywhere you want where would it be? I’d be at a beach house chillin on the patio overlooking the ocean while drinking coffee. 17. what is the last thing you purchased online? A book. 18. one thing you hate about yourself? I hate a lot of things about myself. 19. what does the 10th text in your inbox say? Depends on which person’s thread you want me to read it from. <<< 20. do you miss anyone? Loved ones who have passed away. And Ty. 21. last movie you saw? It’s Complicated last week. 22. what are your plans for the day? Well, it’s almost 730AM and I’ll barely be going to bed. :X I’ll likely sleep until about 3PM, take my medicine, check social media, clear notifications, check my email, and then finally drag myself outta bed to make coffee. I’ll have that and some coffee cake (Hostess actually makes really delicious coffee cakes, I’m obsessed) while probably watching any new videos of people I’m subscribed to. Then I’ll play Animal Crossing for awhile and just hang out with my mom for most of the day. We started a new show yesterday on AppleTV, so we’ll probably watch that. Then later on I’ll do my normal nighttime stuff that I’ve listed already. Eating is also included in there somewhere. 23. did you have fun today? It’s only 7:27AM. I haven’t even slept, yet, so my day really hasn’t started. 24. who is your last text message from? My dad. 25. were you an honor roll student in school? Yep. 26. what do you know about the future? I don’t know anything. 27. who was the last person you rode in a car with? My brother last month when he took me to my doctor appointment. 29. do you have a tan? No. I haven’t spent any time outside. I normally would be making a few beach trips during the summer and would get a little tan, but that won’t happen this year. 30. how old do you want to be when you have kids? I don’t want to have any kids. 31. did you meet anyone new today? I won’t be going anywhere, so I don’t see that happening. 32. do you have any tattoos or piercings? I just have my earlobes pierced. 33. how do you like your soda? Just outta the can or bottle is fine with me. I don’t like ice in my drinks. I don’t even need it to be cold to be honest. If it’s been in the fridge, I’d let it sit out for like an hour first. 34. who was the last person to make you cry? Blah. 35. what are you doing tomorrow? Same stuff as always. Have you not picked up on the fact my life is very routine yet? It’s like Groundhog’s Day. 36. what day is tomorrow? Sunday. 37. what is your current mood? I’m tired and feel a little nauseous. My medicine usually does that if I take it on an empty stomach. I took it about an hour ago and I should have just gone to bed. :/ I should have just gone to bed anyway it’s almost 8 in the morning now. D: 38. do you like someone? Not in the romantic sense. 39. are you dating someone? No. 40. why? I’m a mess and can’t handle a relationship right now. There’s not even anyone I’m interested in or even talking to. Or anyone who’s interested in me. There’s no guy at all in my life right now.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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shipmistress9 · 5 years

Text

FTLOAP: Chapter 44: Love Is A Shield To Hide Behind

Fandom: HTTYD

Theme: Hiccstrid - Medieval-style AU - Romance - Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Reduced to little more than a stable boy, Hiccup, despite his noble birth, has few prospects for more in life. But when he meets a girl who came to look at the horses, being a stable boy might not be enough anymore. Together, they have tough choices to make and great risks to navigate if they want to survive and be together.

Rating: Explicit

FF-net - AO3 -

Discord-server for discussions and questions

Part 1: Prologue; Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7; Chapter 8; Chapter 9; Chapter 10; Chapter 11;

Part 2: Chapter 12; Chapter 13; Chapter 14; Interlude 1; Chapter 15; Chapter 16; Chapter 17; Chapter 18; Chapter 19; Chapter 20; Chapter 21; Chapter 22; Chapter 23; Chapter 24; Chapter 25; Chapter 26; Interlude 2; Chapter 27: Chapter 28 ; Chapter 29 ; Chapter 30; Chapter 31; Chapter 32; Interlude 3; Bonus 1; Chapter 33

Part 3: Chapter 34; Chapter 35; Chapter 36; Interlude 4; Chapter 37; Chapter 38; Chapter 39; Chapter 40; Interlude 5; Chapter 41; Chapter 42; Chapter 43

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

AN: Ah, here we finally are with the new chapter. Again sorry that I couldn't update last week, but well... Life...

Anyway, a huge THANK YOU to you all and your congratulations on my pregnancy! I really didn't expect that strong a response and it completely overwhelmed me. But also on this point and maybe to soothe some worries: this is already my third pregnancy; I already have to kids at the age of 6 and 8. So this isn't my first and I already have a good idea of what awaits me once the baby is there. Yes, I'm probably going to have even less time and nerves to write for a while. But I picked writing as a hobby because of my kids. Because it gives me the chance to be something else than just a mother all day. So I definitely won't stop writing! :)

And also: Another BIG Thank you to @ mintyfreshness ,@hey-its-laura-again ,@tally21112 ,@oneleggeddork , @thepixiedustfactory , @heathenvampires ,@haddocktree and @angelstar1st for your support and your kind words a little while ago. I still struggle with those same issues, but thanks to you all, I’m doing a lot better now. :)

In this chapter now, things happen that have been planned for ages again, and I'm really excited that we've reached this point by now.

This chapter's title comes from 'Love Is A Shield' by Camouflage. It wasn't a title I'd decided on before and for a while, I actually struggled with how to name this chapter. But when I heard the song on the radio a few days back, it all clicked into place and afterwards, the chapter went through some heavy editing again. xD But I really like how it turned out now.

Furthermore on the topic music: I also stumbled across the song 'Brother' by Kodaline (again, I should add. I know that I've heard it before). And I feel like it's the perfect song to describe our Chaos Squad.

. o O o .

Only slowly, awareness seeped back into Astrid’s mind as she woke. She was someplace soft, with someone holding her, and a familiar scent in her nose. Denial almost rose in her, but then the memories of the previous night came back as well. She wasn’t dreaming that she was in Hiccup’s arms, his warmth seeping into her, his shallow breathing ruffling her hair.

With a sigh, she turned in his arms and cuddled closer against his chest, basking in his closeness. Everything would be okay. These horrible two weeks of separation were over, and from now on, they wouldn’t let go of each other ever again. She didn’t know how they’d manage that yet and last night’s discussion hadn’t brought up anything either, as far as she’d noticed at least. But she just knew that it would work out. Everything else was unacceptable.

For a short while, Astrid just watched him sleep. It was something she’d rarely seen before, with how they’d usually been equally exhausted when falling asleep and in a hurry when they’d woken up. But now, she had the time to really look at him, the light of early dawn falling through the window. He looked so peaceful and soft, as if nothing could bother him, and she wasn’t able to put into words how… how soothing that sight was. There had been so much pain and hurt and desperation on his face lately, so much sorrow – but now, it was all gone.

Unable to hold back, she reached up and brushed a strand of his unruly hair out of his face. At her touch, Hiccup stirred with a soft grunt. His arms around her tightened as if on reflex, before he slowly opened his eyes, his lips stretching into a warm smile at her sight.

“Good morning,” he mumbled, blinking a few times before his eyes were truly able to focus and his mind seemed to clear a little. “So last night wasn’t a dream after all. Or am I still dreaming?”

Chuckling, Astrid shook her head. “No, you’re not,” she murmured back and caressed his face to prove that she was real.

His smile widened and he leaned closer to place a soft kiss on her forehead. Astrid closed her eyes, humming at the intimate gesture, before she stretched to seek his lips with her own. When they kissed, it was calm and reassuring, his hand eventually roaming upwards to cradle her face. Smiling against his lips, she basked in the familiar touch, content in the perfection of this moment.

But just like every moment, it had to end eventually.

Too soon, a knock sounded from the door before it carefully got pushed open and Rachel poked her head inside. “Milady, it’s time,” she said in a low but urgent voice. “It won’t be long now before the rest of the castle wakes up.”

Astrid didn’t want to go, but she understood why it was necessary. Reluctantly, she peeled herself out of the nest of blankets and limbs she and Hiccup had slept in. It didn’t take her too long to get ready to leave, despite frequently getting distracted by his hands on her arms or his lips on her skin. And if Ruff minded the delay, she didn’t say anything for which Astrid was incredibly grateful.

“When can we meet like this again?” she eventually asked as they were about to leave, unsure whether she’d meant to ask Hiccup or Ruff. Since Hiccup could only shrug with a somewhat insecure expression, it was Ruff who answered after a short pause.

“Dagur and Eret suggested to meet again in two or three nights; we all need rest tonight and also need time to think or look up other options. And don’t look at me like that, young lady,” she added when Astrid’s face fell, “I know perfectly well that you can’t wait to get under his clothes again.” With a sly smirk, she glanced from her to Hiccup and back again. “I mean, I know that we won’t be able to keep you apart. But after all the sneaking through the castle you already did, I’d rather you’re meeting somewhere safe from now on. Tuff and I are looking into options there. The easiest would probably be to sneak him,” she nodded at Hiccup who had a somewhat stony expression on his face, ”into your rooms. Nobody goes into your bedroom without my say-so anyway.”

“And what if someone does?” Hiccup asked.

“Well, there’s space under the bed. I’ll knock and give you time to hide, and sneak you out later.”

Tuff snorted from outside the room. “Putting the cart before the horse, sis. How do you plan to get him in there in the first place?”

“I have an idea. But no promises for tonight,” Ruff rebutted.

Astrid nodded, trying to express her gratefulness, even as waiting for another day or two felt like an eternity. But at least she would be able to spend more time in Hiccup’s arms again. That was all that mattered. She turned to Hiccup again and stretched to give him a hurried kiss goodbye, giggling at the contrast of his soft lips and the rough scraping of his stubbles.

His hands held her tight though, unwilling to let her go just yet. “See you later,” he rasped into her ear, his fingers at her waist twitching.

Again, Astrid nodded as she retreated enough to look at him, her fingers raised to trace his lower lip. “Yes, later,” she breathed before she retreated for good.

Later meant today’s tournament. They wouldn’t be able to interact in any meaningful way, but at least they would see each other. That – and the memories of this wonderful and peaceful morning – would have to be enough for now.

. o O o .

Yes, she was certain that, eventually, she would need the reminder of waking up in Hiccup’s arms to cheer herself up. But for a while, everything was fine. After Ruff had escorted her back into her rooms, she’d lain down to get a little more sleep, before she was to meet everyone for breakfast again.

“I can’t believe how much your mood improved,” Tuff muttered as they walked down the corridors and stairs, her steps lighter than she’d felt in a very long time. “I mean, it’s not as if you’ve actually found a solution to your problem yet.”

He spoke quietly so as not to risk anyone overhearing them, and Astrid replied in the same manner. “Oh, I know we haven’t yet. But I’m positive that we will find one eventually.” Despite Eret’s warning and Hiccup’s reluctance, she hadn’t yet ruled out simply running away. Maybe Eret was right and they would have to somehow prepare their disappearance – somehow avert all the consequences he’d painted out – but that would certainly be manageable… somehow. Either way, she would not let anything come between her and Hiccup ever again, would trust in their love and in the certainty that it would overcome everything. Besides, it wasn’t as if she was important. She wasn’t the heir to the throne, the one who would have to lead the Kingdom one day. No, she was only the spare, nothing less – but also nothing more.

With something of a fond snort, Tuff shook his head but didn’t comment further. They’d almost reached the breakfast room by now, and from some side corridor in front of them, hissed voices could be heard. Curiously, Astrid threw a glance in that direction as they passed the opening and was surprised to spot Snot and his father standing a little distance away. From the way Spitelout towered over his son and Snot’s stony expression, it looked like a scolding. The sight surprised her, but Astrid quickly averted her gaze and hurried on. What happened between Snot and his father wasn’t her business. Although… maybe, if Snot’s behaviour really had returned to that of her joking and funny brother, she’d ask him about it later.

With the truest smile in what felt like ages, she entered the breakfast room and found everyone else already in their seats. After cheerfully greeting the assembled men, she took her seat next to Eret, and gladly accepted the bread roll, butter, and honey as he handed her one after the other. It wasn’t that much different from how he’d usually behaved, but she was aware of the fond smiles the older men threw them, of how their interactions would look to them. When she tore into her food with gusto – not even remembering when she’d last eaten, much less when she’d enjoyed eating anything – it even earned her some low but friendly chuckling from the end of the table where her father and the Grand Dukes sat. But she didn’t pay them any attention either. Of course, they thought her good mood originated from Eret, and for now, Astrid was happy to keep it that way. Well… it wasn’t her fault when they drew the wrong conclusions, was it? It meant that nobody would pay Hiccup any mind, that he was safe.

Thinking about him made her smile even brighter, remembering how she’d spend this night, short as it was, safely encased in his arms. She really hoped Ruff’s idea to get them more nights like this together again would work. She couldn’t wait to go back to him, his warmth, the soothing reassurance that they wouldn’t part again. And, to be honest, she also couldn’t wait to feel him again, his hands and lips on her skin, searching and exploring, pouring heat and pleasure into her body until she couldn’t take any more. She didn’t fool herself, knew that they would need a little time to reconnect to that part of their relationship – not to mention the mortifying realisation about how Tuff must have overheard them in the past and how she wouldn’t want to risk that again. But all that were questions for later.

“I’m glad to see you smile like this again, Astrid,” came her father’s voice, tearing her out of her daydreaming. “Up until yesterday, I was truly worried about you.”

His words made her grimace, which she quickly hid behind taking a sip of her tea. Yesterday… The ride… Markor… Her heart stuttered painfully at the reminder, but she quickly fought down the pain and instead retrieved the happy memory of her morning with Hiccup, of his kisses and caresses, his smile. She even preferred thinking about the awkward ride back to the castle, about how much easier that could have been if only she’d given in to the urge to lean back against him and let his closeness comfort her.

The distraction helped her focus again. With everything else that happened, she didn’t yet have time to truly mourn Markor’s death, the loss like a bitter taste in the back of her throat now. But now was not the right time either.

With a bit of effort and Eret nudging her beneath the table, she managed to smile back at her father and reassure him that she felt much better than yesterday too. Which was true in its own way. And… she had to admit to herself that lying to her father didn’t bother her as much as it used to. Deep down in her heart, she understood that he hadn’t meant to hurt her. But that didn’t mean that she was yet ready to forgive him or forget about it.

After this small exchange, the breakfast continued uneventful for another couple of minutes, until the door opened again and Snot and his father entered the room.

“Good morning, everyone,” Spite greeted them as they looked up, a tired smile on his face. ”I apologise for the delay; looks like I slept in. Though, after last night, I don’t think you can blame me.” He laughed, followed by consenting chuckling from all around the table.

Astrid, however, frowned. Why was he lying? Her eyes wandered to Snotlout behind his father; his expression was plain, not showing any reaction, not as they walked along the table and not as he took his seat next to her.

Well, maybe Uncle Spite was just being lenient, she mused as she reached for another roll. Whatever he’d scolded Snot for, there probably was no reason to expatiate on that here in front of everyone again.

Her gaze glided over the table, trying to decide what to put on her roll this time, when Snot all of a sudden held out a pot filled with red jam to her.

“Here, I recommend you try this,” he said with a smile that was too smooth for her taste. “It only arrived last week with a merchant. The berries used for this only grow in the higher regions of Westhill and are considered a delicacy.”

Astrid took the pot, even if a little hesitant. The jam smelled delicious, sweet with a slightly tart note in it, and she wasn’t averse to giving it a try. However, what bothered her was the way Snot was again advertising his home – and thus himself – with this recommendation. Was he still trying to flirt with her? She’d thought that, after last night, he’d given up, that she’d made it clear that she wouldn’t choose him. But apparently, she’d been wrong…

The jam was as tasty as it smelled, and with a tense smile, she thanked Snot, but then directly turned toward Eret on her other side, engaging him in some Smalltalk or other. Hopefully, Snot would eventually stop these fruitless advances. Last night, she’d been happy to have him back as simply her brother, but that seemed to have been a little premature.

. o O o .

The tournament that day was a good opportunity to talk to Eret in relative privacy. Though talking about any sensitive topics in her open pavilion still wouldn’t be prudent, and even though Astrid wished she could also invite Dagur and Hiccup, she couldn’t do that without it seeming odd. So instead, she brought up another topic, hoping to get some clarification from Eret. But it seemed as if he was just as bewildered by their brother’s behaviour as she was.

“I don’t really know what’s up with Snot either,” Eret said with a shrug. “He hasn’t really talked to either of us since all this started, and only runs around in a bad mood all the time. He’s not his usual self.”

Astrid nodded, noticing the deep-seated confusion on Eret’s face. Apparently, Snot’s behaviour didn’t make any sense to him either and was possibly even more confusing to him. She knew that the boys had always been a tight group; Snot not talking to anyone these days was just weird.

“I just don’t get it,” she eventually sighed. “I didn’t have the impression that he was in love with me, not like that. There never were any indications, were there?”

Eret shook his head, though hesitantly. “I… don’t think so. But from what I’ve got, he hasn’t flirted with a single woman except for you these past two weeks – which is odd as you have to admit. And even though I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, it almost seems as if he’s serious about wanting to marry you, for… for better reasons than mine or Dagur’s…” He sighed, a sad expression on his face, but then frowned. “Except... that makes even less sense given his past behaviour. I mean, he vehemently refused to spend a night with Cami, and...” he trailed off, frowning at that memory, but then shook his head again. “No, I can’t even guess what’s on his mind lately.”

The thought made Astrid sad somehow. Had Snot, her brother, really harboured some hidden crush on her all these years? The idea felt weird, but given how little experience Astrid had had on that matter before she’d met Hiccup, who was she to tell? But even if… Even if her heart wasn’t bound to Hiccup’s in so many ways, the idea of marrying Snot of all people had never even crossed her mind.

She kept brooding over the thought in silence, comparing Snot’s too-smooth smile this morning with Hiccup’s warm and loving one, until Eret sitting up straighter drew her attention. He was avidly watching the fighting ground below them, making Astrid pay it more attention for once, too. Today, the participants got paired randomly and were supposed to fight two versus two, showing how well they worked with a partner. And now, it apparently was Dagur’s turn. They watched him entering the arena with three other men, watched them pull coloured marbles from a small bag to decide on the pairings, watched the men take their positions.

Next to her, Eret grew visibly tense, and Astrid couldn’t help herself but place a comforting hand on his upper arm. Dagur was a good fighter; surely he would make it out of this unscathed.

And he did. He and his partner fought well, working together to keep each other’s backs clear while the other two just tried to gain their own advantage. The duel was over quickly, Dagur and his partner the undisputed winners of the match.

“Did you really doubt his skills?” Astrid teased Eret as he relaxed again.

Eret snorted. “These fights aren’t just about skill,” he emphasised. “Sure, having it helps, but it’s also a lot about luck. And, in this case especially, about your partner and how well you work together. And no matter how much luck or skill one has, injuries or worse are always a possibility.”

Astrid nodded, grimacing at the point. She’d grown a little numb in this regard over the last two weeks but that reminder had torn off the bandage anew. Eret was right, of course. Injuries and accidents were possible; she’d even seen them happening practically every day during this tournament; one man just this morning had slipped in the mud and gotten run through by his opponent’s sword. Said opponent had been shocked and jumped back from the dying man as if burned. And in the melee the day before yesterday, another man had lost his eye, gashed open by his opponent’s shield. Still others had lost fingers or toes or worse. Fortunately – if such a word could be used to describe such waste – these accidents mainly seemed to happen to men she didn’t care about at all, and who weren’t the most loyal vassals anyway, according to Eret.

“Right, I need to get ready now,” Eret interrupted her musings as he got up from his seat. “It’s supposed to be my turn soon. Wish me luck that I get a sensible partner,” he added with a wink that probably was meant to be reassuring and cheerful.

Astrid grimaced; after his words from only minutes before, this now wasn’t exactly encouraging. But she played along, if only to not make him nervous now. “Oh, don’t you dare get killed on me now, Sir Eret,” she called after him, making him grin before he slipped out of sight and into the tent where Hiccup would be waiting with his gear.

Exhaling deeply, she sat back into her comfortable armchair and watched the current fight with little interest. Oh, how she wished these fights and tournaments and hunts would stop now that she’d supposedly chosen her future husband. She wasn’t going to change her mind, not because of some man or other proving to be an impressive fighter, at least. If only Hiccup could somehow be allowed to participate. It would be a long shot; to make her change of mind believable, he’d have to be outstanding – which, according to his own words, he wasn’t. But it would at least be a possibility.

With a soft shake of her head, she let out a sigh. There had to be a way! Hiccup had yet to tell her what exactly he’d seen in his vision, but if it had been enough to revive his hope, then it was enough for her, too. There was a way, a solution. They just had to find it.

For a little while longer, she pondered and brooded until Eret entered the arena, followed by Hiccup who carried his spare shield and weapon – and also followed by Snot and his squire Gustav!

Astrid felt herself sit up straighter in surprise at that; she hadn’t thought it possible for two of the ducal heirs to end up together in one of these duels. But then, even that decision came by drawing lots, and it had happened before already with Eret and Dagur fighting together in that melee a week ago.

However, she had a bad feeling about this, somehow. If they ended up as opponents, would Eret be able to fight Snot for real? Only last months, she would have laughed about such a coincidence; her brothers were used to sparring with each other, after all. They’d probably knock out the other two fighters and turn it into one of their usual training fights.

But that had been then. Today, Astrid had no idea how Snot would behave. Anxiously, she awaited the drawing of the marbles – and exhaled in relief when it turned out that Snot and Eret would fight together instead of against each other. A little calmer now, she leaned forward, watching as all four men took their places and the referee gave them the go to begin. This was the best option she could’ve hoped for. She didn’t want her brothers to actually fight against each other, especially not with Snot’s weird behaviour lately. But if they stood together to fight, then nothing could go wrong, right?

Except that Snot didn’t stand with Eret.

It only took a couple of seconds before it became clear that Snot had no intentions to work with Eret in this. He charged forward at his opponent, leaving Eret to fend on his own against his. She could even hear Eret’s curse as he realised what had happened, saw the surprise and then the anger on his face, even through his helmet’s visor. Yes, fights like these didn’t only depend on skill, but also on luck and on your partner. And at least in that last regard, Eret had just lost.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Astrid hissed under her breath, her eyes never leaving the fighting men below her. Anxiously, her hands clenched at her skirts, her whole body moving along with every one of Eret’s parries, dodges, and strikes. Damn it, this wasn’t the first time she had to watch him fight, and so far, he had yet to be beaten by anyone. Why was she so nervous now? But even though Snot��s stupidity gave the match a bad taste, Eret seemed to stand his ground just as well as usual – in the beginning, at least.

Astrid only saw it from the corner of her eye, her focus on Eret. But from one moment to the other, Snot was on the ground. He wasn’t bleeding, wasn’t even unconscious. But he’d lost his weapon, and judging by the uncoordinated way he tried to get back on his feet, his head must have been hit pretty hard. His opponent didn’t waste any time. He kicked Snot into the side, sending him back to the ground, then charged to where Eret and the other man were still fighting. Before anyone truly realised what had happened, he attacked Eret’s unguarded back. Astrid yelled out a warning, but it came too late, was only enough for Eret to turn but not enough for him to fully evade the blow.

Astrid’s scream of denial was drowned out in the general uproar that ran through the crowd as blood splattered the ground. It all happened incredibly fast. Eret whirled at her shout and saw the man coming up at him. He parried, desperately, and the man’s sword, which would have buried itself in his back, cut across his chest instead. Astrid saw his chainmail part under the blow.

But Eret’s parry was a masterstroke. Operating on what had to be reflex, his blade sliced open the other man’s arm down to the red-stained bone from his wrist to his elbow.

Gasping, Eret stood, his blade at the ready, even as his shirt and mail were stained with his own blood, and watched his other opponent warily. The man that had attacked him was bleeding profusely and had dropped his sword.

Dimly, Astrid became aware of the referee’s horn blowing, and he and his men, members of the King’s Guard, waded in to separate the fighters, as they always did when the tournament turned bloody, followed by Hiccup and Dagur. They carried Eret off to the healer’s tent, his arms slung over their shoulders, Eret’s opponent getting similar treatment from the guards, as the judges conferred on the scoring.

As order was restored, she was, at first, stunned and shocked. This shouldn’t have happened! Eret had said it so often, had been so sure that his rank as ducal heir would keep him safe from such an open attack. But the risk had come from ‘accidents and injuries happened.’ And not even men of high rank were safe from those.

And that hadn’t been an accident, anyway.

With her head spinning, she got up on shaky legs, her arms reaching out for something to stabilise her as she stumbled away from her chair. She had to get to Eret, had to know that he was okay. This was her fault; by singling him out, she’d painted a target on his back. A target the man he’d fought – some firstborn son of a count from Westhill, she vaguely recalled – had tried to score on.

“I have to get to the healer’s tent,” she muttered as Tuff tried to bar her from leaving her pavilion.

He didn’t seem happy about that idea. “Milady, I don’t think–”

But she cut him off directly with a determined gesture of her hand. She could imagine all the reasons he might come up with for why that wasn’t a good idea. This tournament was for her, and she should stay here and watch. A healer’s workspace could be an ugly place with blood everywhere – not the right surroundings for a lady. And since the patient was her public betrothed-to-be, she would do good at staying away when he very likely got stripped to get treated – for both propriety’s sake and to keep that target from getting bigger.

But none of that mattered.

“Get me to Eret!” she ordered, and there had to have been something in her voice or her expression that kept Tuff from objecting further. It also kept any guards and servants from blocking her way, even made the men outside the healer’s tent step aside as she approached with sure strides.

“How bad is it?” she blurted out as soon as she entered the tent, even before she could take in anything else. Offhandedly, she registered the scene in front of her; Eret was lying on a bench in the middle of the room, naked from the waist upwards and groaning in pain, with Fishlegs examining the gash on his upper chest and Hiccup hurrying about, his arms laden with healing supplies – while Dagur was sitting on Eret’s other side, holding his hand and murmuring encouragements.

Right… Fishlegs might not officially know about Eret’s and Dagur’s feelings for each other, but thanks to Heather they certainly weren’t a secret to him either. At least in this regard, they wouldn’t have to keep up appearances around him.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Fishlegs commented absentmindedly, still entirely concentrated on his work at hand as he reached for a piece of cloth to clean the wound. “It’s a deep cut, but luckily nothing but a flesh wound. The ribs beneath are unharmed and no sinews or major blood vessels were hit, either. It’ll scar, but he’ll live, barring infection."

The words were reassuring and part of her former tension floated out of her. She stepped a little closer, her eyes trying to examine the wound herself. But even though she understood the meaning of Fishlegs’ explanations, all of his lessons had only been theoretical so far, and all she saw was a gaping wound and too much blood. She thought about sitting down at his side as well to lend him support and comfort, but quickly decided against it. Dagur was doing a great job there already, clearly enough.

So there was little she could do but watch in silence as Fishlegs cleaned the wound, flinching every time Eret grunted or groaned in pain. A part of her, the part that she’d tried to ignore during the past two weeks and that now was stronger than ever, was acutely aware of Hiccup’s presence, of him standing only a few steps away now that Fishlegs had everything he needed to treat his patient. But this wasn’t really the moment to seek his closeness, not while Fishlegs could notice and not when all she could worry about was Eret and his wound.

The only warning then was Fishlegs throwing a quick telling glance up at Dagur before he applied a good amount of willow bark tincture onto the wound. Before, Eret had been able to stay relatively quiet despite the pain he had to be in, but with the sting and burn of the tincture, he couldn't do so any longer.

"Oh, fuck!" he cursed, his entire body going rigid, trembling with the effort to at least hold still.

Astrid whimpered, her hands clenching at her skirts. "I'm so sorry!" she whined once Eret’s shouting had calmed down to laboured panting only. "This is my fault. If I hadn't chosen you, hadn’t put that target on–"

"Nonsense," Eret interrupted her through gritted teeth. “Accidents happen in tournaments.”

“Bullshit,” she spat. “I know that, but that's not what I'm talking about. This man, he was trying to kill you. I saw him! He went straight for you after he knocked Snot down.”

“Given that I was fighting his partner, of course he did! He’d already taken Snot out, as you said–”

“Eret, you didn’t see him, he was going to stab you in the back!”

Eret scowled. “Maybe. And thanks for the warning, by the way. But it could have just been the heat of the moment, with his blood up. It wasn’t necessarily about you.”

She scowled and crossed her arms. “Uh-huh. Complete coincidence that the man publically favoured as the Princess’ betrothed-to-be almost comes down with a bad case of ‘sword in the back’? Pull the other one, it’s got bells on it.”

“He is right in one thing, though,” Fishlegs threw in, and she turned to glare at him. He met her gaze with equanimity. "It could have just been the heat of the fight," he continued, rummaging about with his tools. "I've certainly seen worse wounds lately, without such a possible motivation. It’s pure luck that neither of you got injured before, if you ask me."

"That’s true. Or if that’s not good enough for you, Swanja: it also could have been purely politically motivated," Eret added, grimacing as Fishlegs probed his chest. "Could you be a little more gentle there, my good healer?”

“I’ll go get my feather-needles,” Fishlegs deadpanned, and Eret snorted.

“Just keep the red stuff on the inside,” he joked, and Astrid rolled her eyes.

Dagur smirked. “This is an excellent opportunity to prove something I’ve been wondering for a while, actually.”

“What’s that?” Astrid asked. She threw Dagur a quick glance, and saw that he was feeling just like she did: not in the mood for joking at all, but playing along for Eret’s sake.

“Well, we know his granddad doesn’t have a heart, and his dad has pragmatism instead of blood, so...”

“I think I can say that I have both,” Eret grunted, and looked back to Astrid. “Look, it might have just been someone stupid enough to think that taking out a ducal heir would gain him some recognition. Instead, he'll probably get excluded from the tournaments, maybe even punished further.”

Fishlegs, threading a needle with a focused look, said, “No need for that.”

“What do you mean?” Eret asked.

“I saw his arm when he was carried in,” Fishlegs said. “Why do you think the junior healer is attending to you, Sir Eret, ducal heir of a grand duchy, and not the senior healer? t’s near-certain that the man who attacked you will lose the arm, and also possibly his life if the bleeding can’t be brought under control,” Fishlegs said grimly.

Silence reigned for a moment, and Astrid wasn’t sure how to feel about this. Another unnecessary death, one that also might or might not be her fault… but it certainly wasn’t hitting an innocent man!

Then Eret coughed, thankfully breaking the silence. “Either way, the only one to blame for me getting hurt is that man, and probably myself – but definitely not you, Swanja. I should have paid better attention to the entire fight and not just my opponent."

"Or, if you want to put the blame on somebody else," Dagur growled, "then my suggestion would be Snot. What was that idiot thinking? It's not as if he doesn't know how duels like these work. Thor, we've done play fights like this with Daniel ever since we were able to hold sticks. There's literally no sane reason for why he fought on his own like that. Gods, I want to head over and punch him in the face for this idiocy!" At that, everyone just grunted in agreement.

Biting her lip, Astrid didn't object any further; she knew that they would only come up with more reassurances anyway. But that sense of guilt still lingered.

When Fishlegs was done with his preparations, he handed Eret a sturdy piece of leather with bite marks on it already, and when she spotted him holding a needle and a thread covered in more willow bark tincture in his hand, she realised what would come next. Her anxiety grew as she saw Eret bracing himself against the pain, clutching more firmly at Dagur’s hand, and she tensed as well.

“I’m so sorry,” she repeated, urgently, half expecting to get told off again. But with the leather already between his teeth, Eret couldn’t say anything, only rolled his eyes and threw a strange nod in her general direction. Astrid didn’t know what to make of it, but as soon as Fishlegs had turned all his attention to Eret’s wound again, she understood that the gesture hadn’t been meant for her at all.

She jumped as a pair of arms wound around her shoulders and waist and pulled her to the back of the tent, though not out of direct fear as she recognised them as Hiccup’s right away. No, it was the fear of how Fishlegs would react as Hiccup pulled her into his arms and against his chest that made her want to draw back at first. But, of course, Fishlegs was too absorbed by his work to notice anything else right now and he had his back toward them anyway, so she gave in.

Hiccup held her tightly, turning her so she couldn’t watch and murmuring reassurances into her ear to drown out Eret’s noises of pain. They all knew that it was necessary to suture the gash, but that didn’t make it any easier – for anyone. No, all she could do was try to not make it harder for Eret by showing how much his pain affected her too.

Instead, she pressed harder into Hiccup’s embrace, clinging to his formal squire outfit, and let his presence soothe her. A small voice inside her head was scolding her for this, for seeking Hiccup’s comfort when Eret was suffering because of her, of them. But she vehemently pushed it aside; Eret’s pain certainly wasn’t Hiccup’s fault. The target on Eret’s back was there, regardless of whether her choosing him was real or not.

She fought to calm herself, but no matter how sensible all their reasoning before had sounded, she couldn’t shake off the feeling that Eret getting wounded today was her fault, and hers alone. It didn’t matter whether one wanted to put the blame on Snot or Eret's attacker; in both cases, the reason behind it certainly was Astrid’s choice. She didn’t believe in an otherwise politically motivated attack, not with this impeccable timing.

Thuggory had even warned her that something would happen to her chosen if she didn’t choose him. Was it possible that he somehow was behind this? Eret had been lucky in that the attack had only caused such a relatively light wound, but so easily it could have been a lethal blow. And obviously, his high rank wouldn’t have saved him either.

She didn’t get the chance to further ponder on this, though. Hiccup did his best to distract her from such gloomy thoughts. Despite her worries over Eret’s well-being and flinching at every muffled noise of pain, she eventually gave in to Hiccup’s efforts. She made herself focus on every single one of his light touches and even enjoyed the way he caressed her and covered her face and hair with soft soothing kisses. It wasn’t enough to forget what was happening behind her or why – but it felt good nonetheless.

She wasn’t sure for how long she stood like this, closely encased in Hiccup’s arms and with his lips on her ear murmuring sweet nothings, with Fishlegs patching up the wound with moss and a tight bandage, with Dagur and Eret engaging him in a conversation to keep him from paying much attention to his surroundings, and with Tuff conveniently standing in the way should Fishlegs turn around anyway. It could have been only minutes or maybe it was over an hour. She knew that she was pushing her luck by refusing to step away, but she just felt as if she needed Hiccup’s closeness to cope. Last night and this morning had been good, but it had been far from enough to fully chase away the anxiousness and the pain of their separation before. It might have been her worries for Eret that had made her come here, but now that she knew he would be okay – and already was fairly okay with Dagur comforting him – she couldn’t help but give in and bask in Hiccup’s warmth. Their love was like a shield to ward off all the pain and misery around them, impenetrable and keeping them safe no matter what.

But she really shouldn’t have pushed her luck.

She didn’t even notice as the entrance of the tent flapped open and someone came in. In fact, nobody seemed to notice at first, the men caught up in their conversation, until a loud exclamation and the noise of a plate breaking on the floor drew all their attention.

“No!”

With a spark of her old panic, Astrid whirled around and away from Hiccup, just as everyone else turned toward the newcomer as well. Tuff even made a hasty step to the side to stand between her and Hiccup and the entrance, but it was too late.

Heather had seen enough to understand and, judging by the anger on her face, didn’t like what she saw. Before anyone could react, she stormed through the tent and grabbed Astrid by her arm. “Don’t you dare,” she shrieked, apparently not caring for her rank in the slightest as she pulled her away from Hiccup’s side with enough force that it hurt. “Don’t you dare ruin this.”

Astrid could do little but stumble along, bewildered when she spotted tears forming in Heather’s eyes, accusation and a kind of pain on her face that made her tremble. But before she could even try to make any rhyme or reason of her behaviour, Heather let go of her arm, nearly causing her to fall if Tuff hadn’t caught her, and turned toward Hiccup instead.

“And you,” she continued without pause, making a baffled Hiccup take a step backwards at her approach. “Stay away from the Princess. I don’t care how impressive your seduction skills might be; she’s not for you! Do you hear me? Get lost, there’s nothing to gain here for you except the noose!”

At that, Astrid froze, eyes wide in panic. No! No, Heather couldn’t tell anyone, couldn’t get Hiccup punished, not now. She couldn’t! She wanted to interrupt Heather’s tirade, wanted to order her to be quiet, to make her understand. She wasn’t sure why Heather was reacting that strongly or what it was exactly she could do to keep her from running directly to her father, but she just had to do something. However, before she could make any attempt at getting her body to react as it was supposed to, Dagur beat her to it.

“Heather, what–” he tried to interfere, to distract or even to calm his half-sister. But all it gained him was her turning on him and Eret next. Her angry expression grew even more intense as she stomped through the tent until she loomed over them, ignoring her brother and glaring down at Eret instead.

“I can’t believe it,” she hissed. “I know it’s all just an act, but still. Setting your squire up to seduce your bride, using him as some kind of bait or toyboy for her to fool around with, and all just because you’re not interested and don’t want to face reality – you should be ashamed of yourself!”

“Heather, calm down,” Dagur interrupted her again, more firmly this time. “That’s not what this is about at all. Listen, I–”

But he got no chance to explain further.

From one second to the other, Heather became eerily quiet, and even though Astrid couldn’t see her face, it had to be quite intimidating as not only Dagur but also Eret and even Fishlegs clamped their mouths shut as she turned toward him.

“Don’t you dare!” she spat. She was shaking now with livid rage. “Don’t you dare tell me to calm down or that this is not what it looks like. I know exactly what this is about. It’s about you being a selfish ass, about to ruin my life without even batting an eye. Or can you look me in the eye and swear on all that’s sacred to you that this is not about you all pretending for Astrid and Eret to get married, when in truth, you’re only looking for a way to circumvent your responsibilities.”

A stunned silence spread through the tent. Dagur had his mouth open to protest, but couldn’t get a single word out. And Astrid couldn’t even blame him. Heather had nailed it – even though in a completely different way than she thought. His eyes darted from Heather to Eret then to her and Hiccup and back to Heather before he closed his mouth again

“That’s what I thought,” she said bitterly. “But if you think I’m just going to stand and watch then you’re wrong.”

She turned and was about to leave when Dagur caught himself again. “No, wait!” he exclaimed, reaching out and catching her by the arm. She fought against his hold, but he wouldn’t budge, even pulled her back until he had his arms around her.

“Let me go,” she wailed. She was still fighting her brother, but without any true force anymore. Instead, she looked as if she was about to burst out into tears at any moment.

“Not until you tell me what all this is about,” he grunted. “What do you mean by ‘ruining your life’? I’d never do something to harm you, don’t you know that?” Still holding her tight, Dagur turned her around in his arms as Heather seemed to deflate until her head leaned against his chest and her tears were soaking his tunic.

After all of these years married, Astrid guessed that Fishlegs knew by now that it was better for him to keep out of any arguments between the siblings. But even as he’d clearly wanted to support his wife just now, still being busy with Eret’s wound had kept him from interfering – until now. “It’s… because of your father,” he threw in, cautiously. “And the succession.”

Astrid was on edge, watching the scene in front of her intently. Dagur seemed to have Heather under control for now and he certainly was the best one suited here to talk sense into her anyway – but that didn’t mean that Astrid would let her ruin everything. She was tense, trembling even, and ready to jump in should Heather make another attempt to run away.

So, at first, she didn’t quite appreciate Hiccup approaching her again, much less wrapping one arm around her waist from where he stood half behind her and half to her side. Didn’t he understand how much was at stake right not? But when she turned to look at him, to make him understand why she had to interfere, he shook his head.

“Let Dagur handle this,” he whispered with a strange expression in his eyes. “If it’s about their father, you can’t do anything here.”

She wanted to argue – but after only one heartbeat, she closed her mouth again and nodded. He was right; if this was in some way about House Berserker and their family, then they had to clear this up themselves.

Still ready to interfere if needed, she let Hiccup pull her closer to him. It wasn’t an obvious gesture that would draw Heather’s attention again, but still soothing enough, and only now did Astrid realise how much she’d been shaking. And despite the disturbing scene in front of them, she couldn’t help but lean even more into him, seeking his closeness as she tried to make sense.

What was all this about? House Berserker’s line of succession? How was there any room for arguments? Dagur was the sole heir and that was it. Wasn’t it? Astrid was relieved that Heather didn’t seem to care about her and Hiccup directly, but that only eased the situation so much.

Dagur seemed equally puzzled though. “What?” he asked, bewildered, and kept glancing from Fishlegs to Heather and back again. “What’s that supposed to mean? What has Father to do with any of this?”

Heather scoffed, her eyes growing hooded and angry. "You don’t get it, do you?” She pushed herself away from him again, and this time he let her as it was clear that she wasn’t about to run away again. Not yet at least. “If you know how and where to listen, the rumours are clear enough. Even I have heard about you moaning into a cup of ale by now, about how you’d rather get a clean death on the battlefield then die slowly of a broken heart married to someone you don’t love.” She laughed bitterly. “So, of course, Father heard about that too, that you’re considering taking the warrior way out. He even came up with an emergency plan already, a loophole. And a while ago, he came to our home to tell me about it.” She made a subconscious step toward Fishlegs, one arm wrapped tightly around herself. “If you died or,” she glanced at Eret, “did something else that would keep you from inheriting, then my child will be on hook to take your place.”

Astrid’s eyes widened in disbelief, and judging by the silence that followed her words, she wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

“Y-your child?” Dagur eventually inquired, puzzled. “But that doesn’t make any sense. If you or any other of our sibling could inherit then there wouldn’t be a problem at all. Aren alone would make for an excellent leader in my stead,” he went on, referring to their younger brother who’d joined the Order of Odin, if Astrid remembered correctly.

Heather sobbed, even though she still sounded angry. “Yeah, we can’t inherit. We might be his acknowledged children, but the Law says that any child born out of wedlock or by an Ástir cannot inherit, or be a part of a noble House,” she spat bitterly.

Dagur shook his head, confused. “But… you’ve known that, and you’ve even told me that you’re happy about that. Haven’t you said – more than once if I recall – that you’re even glad not to be noble, with all those puffed-up lords and ladies in Southshore?”

“Aye. And that’s still true,” Heather huffed. “But think it through, brother. Children born out of wedlock or by an Ástir can’t inherit.”

Dagur nodded hesitantly, obviously trying to find what the loophole was. Then Astrid had to muffle a gasp when it hit her.

“Yes, the Princess got it,” Heather said sourly. “My child wouldn’t be the child of an Ástir.”

“Just a former one,” Astrid said numbly.

“And born in wedlock and an undisputed descendant of our father... apparently that’s good enough,” Heather confirmed in a bleak voice before it grew thick with tears. “He said he’d only... only take them if you were to die on the battlefield before you produced an heir, but…” again, her eyes flickered to Eret, “but we both know that’s not the main problem. You don’t want to marry, ever, so it’s inevitable. He’ll take my baby away from me! Justin and I wouldn’t even be allowed to come too; he’d just take them away and raise them as his own. And all just because you are too selfish to stand up to your responsibilities!”

Her voice had become thinner with every word, and for another heartbeat or three, all that could be heard was her sobbing before Dagur apparently caught himself again. “I didn’t know that,” he muttered, a troubled grimace on his face. Then he shook his head. “It’s true that I said something like that once, but… but I didn’t mean it!” Heather just stared at him with teary eyes, and he started to babble. “Odin! I’d never actively try to kill myself, no matter what. And even though I’m not exactly looking forward to a political marriage, I know about my responsibilities. But with knowing this, I have even more reason to stand up to them. I-I will take my place and prove to Father that he doesn’t need to bother you with this. Believe me, Heather, I won’t let anyone take your child away should you ever have one; not even our father!”

Another sob tore itself from her throat, louder and more urgent. Fishlegs, who’d just finished patching Eret up and had cleaned his hands, finally stood up, and Heather accepted his embrace gladly. She muttered something that sounded like “But that’ll be too late,” though Astrid wasn’t quite sure whether she’d understood it right. Dagur seemed equally confused, but before he could react, Eret preempted him.

“You’re already pregnant, aren’t you?” he said quietly. His skin was still covered in cold sweat from before, but despite the slightly dazed expression on his face, there was a clarity in his eyes that left no room for doubts. And it made sense, Astrid realised. The way Heather had begged her to marry Dagur or Eret, to separate them so that they would focus on their duties as heir instead. But also how she’d been overly tired, how she would wrap her arm around her midst in something of a protective gesture, how Fishlegs would jump up and prepare a cup of tea for her whenever he thought she needed one, and even the fact that he hadn’t needed that box of moss meant to deal with moonblood anymore – it all made sense now.

Weakly, Heather nodded. “Five months now,” she breathed. “We didn’t even plan for it to happen, knew how risky it was ever since he visited us. But when it did happen… we were so happy.” She leaned closer against Fishlegs, snuggling into his embrace in a way Astrid could emphasise all too well. “We were worried how Father would react if he learned about it, but when Astrid’s wedding was announced… I thought that was a sign from my Goddess herself, a reassurance that I wouldn’t need to be afraid anymore. That everything would be fine, that I would get to keep my child. But now…” She broke off again as fresh tears welled up in her eyes.

With a heavy sigh, Dagur stepped closer to them, his hand reaching for that of his sister. “I’m truly sorry, Heather. I didn’t know any of that. But… but I promise you don’t need to be afraid, okay? You’re my sister and I’d do everything for you. I meant what I said and I gladly repeat it again for you. I vow, by the life of the woman who raised us both and who we both love dearly, that I won’t let anyone take your child away from you!”

A faint smile crossed Heather’s face but didn’t reach her eyes. “I’d like to believe you,” she whispered, and then glanced at Eret on his bench. “And yet, here you are, still holding on to your impossible feelings for each other and even luring Astrid into your charade to cover for you. All just to stave off the only option that won’t end in even more people getting hurt. It’s only a few months now, why-why can’t you just accept it?”

Dagur opened his mouth to reply but closed it again right away. And what was he supposed to say anyway? Astrid vividly remembered Dagur placing his weapon to Eret’s feet during the tournament a week ago, remembered the short conversation they’d had afterwards. Eret and Dagur already had accepted their fate, long ago. Their love wasn’t what Heather needed to be concerned about...

“But he’s right,” she interjected on Dagur’s behalf, drawing everyone’s attention. Maybe it would be better to let Heather believe what she’d just said… but she owed it to Eret and Dagur to set this right. “What you saw… that wasn’t about Dagur and Eret at all. It… it’s my fault. It’s me who…” She trailed off again, unsure what she even wanted to say. It was her fault that everything was so complicated – because she couldn’t bear the thought of a life other than at Hiccup’s side.

Trying to make a point, she blindly reached for his hand on her shoulder, weaving her fingers through his as she held Heather’s gaze. She wanted her to understand. That she loved Hiccup, that he was more than just a distraction, her end of a deal. He was her soulmate. They loved each other, couldn’t live without each other. This had nothing to do with Eret or Dagur or her or anyone else.

And really, there was understanding in Heather’s eyes – but not the slightest hint of compassion. Mutely, she wound herself out of her husband’s arms, crouched down to pick up the shards of the plate she’d dropped earlier, and then turned to leave.

“Wait!” Dagur quickly caught her by the arm again, not with as much force as before but still enough to make her pause. “What are you going to do now? Will you… tell anyone?”

Oh, please not! Astrid prayed inwardly. If Heather told anyone… No, that couldn’t be happening. They had to stop her, somehow, just–

But Heather shook her head. “No,” she said in a bleak voice. “No, I won’t spill your secrets. I… I trust in your integrity, Dagur, that I can rely on your promise. But just to make this clear: if I ever have to choose between my hard-earned happiness and my loyalty to you nobles who wouldn’t stand up to your responsibilities… then I know my choice already.” She gave them all a last hard glare, then pulled her arm out of Dagur’s hold and left the tent. And even though Astrid wanted to be angry at her for this clear show of defiance... some deeply buried part of her couldn’t even blame her.

Responsibilities…

Yes, they all had a lot of them. Their lives came with many privileges compared to those of lower birth, and even though it wasn’t always easy, it certainly was simpler than that of many others. But this life came with a price, with responsibilities they all had to the people. They had to keep up stability and peace, had to follow the rules…

Needing his support, she turned to look at Hiccup again. She hoped to find comfort in his eyes, the reassurance that their love would endure every storm. As long as they had each other, nothing could go wrong, their love shielding them from everything.

But instead of that reassurance and comfort, all she could find in his eyes were desperation and pain.

He didn’t give her the chance to drown in those emotions, though. Instead, he pulled her into a tight embrace, his panted breaths heaving against her neck – but Astrid had seen enough, understood.

What had just happened with Heather… it didn’t affect her and Hiccup, not directly at least. Marrying Dagur had never really been an option and she fully trusted in his integrity anyway, so her and Hiccup looking for a way to be together didn’t make a difference there.

But that wasn’t the point anyway.

Their last resort… it wasn’t something they could do for real, she understood that now. Hiccup’s reluctance and Eret’s warning from last night, it all made sense to her now. No matter how strong her love for Hiccup was, it wasn’t worth everything. Even though she might want to, she couldn’t just run away from her responsibilities, not when that meant putting others in harm’s way.

And Eret had been right. Eloping just like that would not just be risky and most likely not work; it would also cause some serious political consequences, for House Jag’r but also for the Crown in general. Maybe things were different, maybe nobody would suffer from her actions as directly as Heather might suffer if Dagur wouldn’t be able to keep his promise. But that didn’t mean that she could take that risk lightly. There would be accusations and possibly even actions against Eret and his House, and people would lose their trust in House Hofferson too, in her Father and in Daniel. No, those weren’t things she could risk. Their love might be like a shield, but that didn’t mean she could hide behind it and ignore everything else.

With a low whimper, she pressed herself closer to Hiccup’s chest, felt how his arms around her tightened. A future without him wasn’t an option, but how could they reach it, that vision of their simple home?

More of Eret’s words from last night crossed her mind, about how there might be ways to prepare their disappearance. So far, she hadn’t let herself think about that too much, but now… How could they prepare her running away with Hiccup without it causing such a political uproar?

The answer was as simple as it was impossible. The only way for her to escape her golden cage was the same Dagur had apparently also already thought about. She’d have to die – except not for real, of course. Because in opposition to Dagur, her death wouldn’t harm anyone. She’d only have to fake it convincingly enough so that nobody would have any doubts.

Something like a hysterical laugh escaped her, one that directly changed into quiet sobbing. How were they supposed to pull that off? How could she make people believe that she was dead without a body? Because killing someone else who vaguely resembled her and mutilate their body to hide the differences was out of the question.

No, this wasn’t a sensible option either. She’d probably ponder more on this, but…

She pulled back, catching Hiccup’s wondering gaze for a heartbeat before she stretched to press her lips to his. He caught up to her mood without a pause, hurling her as close as was physically possible and kissing her with the same desperation she felt, too.

There had to be a solution! There had to be a way to make her choosing Hiccup as her husband possible. There still would be people who’d complain, but as long as he was legally eligible that wouldn’t matter.

They just had to find it…

. o O o .

So, erm... that was that. I honestly never thought the day would come where I shed even one tear for Heather... But writing this chapter certainly made me do so a lot!

#FTLOAP #For The Love Of A Princess #Hiccstrid #Hiccstrid fanfiction #fanfiction #httyd #httyd fanfiction #medieval au #Hiccstrid Medieval AU #royalty au #hiccstrid royal au #angst #fluff #hurt/comfort #httyd romance

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way-down-meme-town · 4 years

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The Prom (Act I) Lyric Meme

Changing Lives 1. "When I'm in character, I go insane." 2. "I make the audiences feel my pain, and if they don't leave depressed, then I've not done my job." 3. "Even the people who are dead inside will shout bravo." 4. "It means that this tour de force will not be forced to tour." 5. "Cheers to a show that's so inspiring it's almost too much to sit through." 6. "In two words, it's history-making." 7. "That's why every actor strives for adulation and compensation that comes from nightly changing lives."

Changing Lives (Reprise) 8. "We're gonna prove that in this day and age, being gay isn't a crime." 9. "This is our moment to change the world one lesbian at a time." 10. "We're gonna help that little lesbian whether she likes it or not." 11. "When you're a legendary thespian, first you help the distressed then you help the distraught." 12. "Why sing and dance when you can take a chance and know you're truly changing lives." 13. "We're gonna match until that town looks like the end of act one of Les Mis." 14. "You don't gotta have a Ph.D in psych to know that people kowtow to the folks in the biz."

Just Breathe 15. "Note to self: don't be gay in Indiana." 16. "There are places where it's in to be out, maybe San Francisco or thereabout." 17. "If you're not straight, then guess what's bound to hit the fan." 18. "Just breathe. Not everyone is that repressed." 19. "Just breathe. It wouldn't be high school without a test." 20. "Just close your eyes and count to ten. Go to your happy place." 21. "Who's this girl you're gonna bring to the prom, anyway?" 22. "I didn't know we had more than one lesbo in town." 23. "You don't know her. She's new here." 24. "Note to self: people suck in Indiana." 25. "Leave today. Pray the grayhound isn't full." 26. "Who knew asking out a girl to prom would go over just like an atom bomb." 27. "Just breathe. Picture a beach with golden sand." 28. "Okay, I just got off the phone with the states attorney. Like I suspected, they think this is a civil rights issue." 29. "Just breathe. Remember that thing called oxygen." 30. "Just breathe. Look at the crazy state you're in."

It's Not About Me 31. "I wanna tell the people of whatever this town's called I know what's going on here, and frankly, I'm appalled." 32. "Unless I'm doing The Miracle Worker, I won't play blind, deaf, and dumb." 33. "Listen, you bigoted monsters, just who do you think you are?" 34. "How do you silence a woman who's known for her belt?" 35. "Go on then, threaten to riot. It won't phase me in the least." 36. "I understand furious townsfolk. I did Beauty and the Beast." 37. "Equality should be this country's norm." 38. "This is how actors intervene, through fiery song and dance breaks." 39. "Although I'm rich and famous, publicity is not my final goal." 40. "Wait, this is not about me."

Dance With You 41. "I don't want to start a riot." 42. "I don't want to blaze a trail." 43. "I don't want to be a symbol or cautionary tale." 44. "I don't want to be a scapegoat for people to oppose." 45. "What I want is simple as far as wanting goes." 46. "I just wanna dance with you. Let the whole world melt away." 47. "When we're through, no one can convince us we were wrong." 48. "All it takes is you and me and a song." 49. "I don't need a big production, streamers hanging in the air." 50. "I don't need to spend the night with confetti in my hair." 51. "I don't need a room of people that I don't really know." 52. "I just want to hold you and never let you go." 53. "Two people swaying slowly, nothing more and nothing less. Why anybody fears that is anybody's guess."

The Acceptance Song 54. "Flowers accept the rain and grow more beautiful." 55. "Babies accept their mother's breast so they can grow strong." 56. "I accept that I was born a handsome man." 57. "Bigotry's not big of me and it's not big of you." 58. "Let's all work together to make rainbow dreams come true." 59. "Acorns accept the sun and turn to mighty oaks." 60. "Let us accept one another. Join our fight today."

You Happened 61. "Since JV football I've been adored, big man on campus but oh so bored." 62. "My life was perfect, but so routine. I prayed for someone to intervene." 63. "Something new happened and turned my life around entirely, and that's cause you happened." 64. "There's not one subject that I could pass before you walked into my Spanish class." 65. "Life without you was no bueno." 66. "I won't hide if you're by my side."

We Look To You 67. "My days have little glamour." 68. "That's why I love theather. It's how I escape." 69. "Theater is a distraction? Is that what you're saying?" 70. "A distraction is momentary. An escape helps you heal." 71. "We look to you in good times and bad." 72. "The worlds you create make the real ones seem less sad." 73. "The curtain goes up and every now and then, it feels as if we're coming home again." 74. "We need a place to run to when everything goes wrong." 75. "We look to you, as strange as it seems, when reality goes to scary extremes." 76. "This I guarantee. Next time you think no one cares, you can look to me."

Tonight Belongs To You 77. "He can turn this butch-y duck into a swan." 78. "Your whole look could use a shake-up. You can borrow all my make-up." 79. "Treat the whole world like your runway." 80. "Make it fierce but in a fun way." 81. "I don't mean to be rude, dear, but you could use some attitude." 82. "Let's show the school that tonight belongs to you." 83. "One things universal, life's no dress rehearsal. So why not make some waves before it's through?" 84. "Go big or you've blown it." 85. "It's time that you own it." 86. "Let's make it clear that tonight belongs to you." 87. "I can guess your whole agenda." 88. "You be Elphie. I'm Galinda." 89. "It's makeover time, so why not just give in?" 90. "Oh, god. I can't believe this is finally happening." 91. "She almost ruined it for all of us." 92. "I hate to sound conceited, but the boys get overheated when I strike a pose or two like thus." 93. "You have to hand it to me. I mean, even I would do me." 94. "I have worked very hard on this night and I have a right to enjoy it, too." 95. "You are going to have a wonderful prom. Like a normal girl. I made sure of that." 96. "Trust me, fixing little problems is what I do." 97. "You're my superstar. Now get your ass in the car." 98. "Make it clear that tonight belongs to us."

#ask meme #rp meme #sentence meme #musical meme #musicals #The Prom

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murasaki-murasame · 5 years

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Thoughts on Fruits Basket 2019 Episode 16: “She Said Don’t Step On Them!”

I feel like I’ve been waiting ages for this episode specifically, and let’s just say it surpassed my expectations!

There’s something surreal and thrilling about finally getting an episode that’s like 99% stuff that wasn’t covered in the 2001 anime at all.

I think this might already be an improvement over this arc from the manga, and it was already one of my favourite bits to begin with, so that probably says a lot about how much I liked it.

Anyway, thoughts under the cut. [Potential spoiler warning for the whole manga]

I guess this is what I do every week, but I want to immediately talk about how this compares to the manga and exactly what material it adapts, since this is the first episode thus far where it’s been unclear in advance exactly how they’d go about it. Every episode thus far has more or less covered one- or two-chapter long self-contained story beats [aside from some rearranging early on], but this is the start of a two-episode arc adapting a three-chapter arc of the manga, so I’ve been wondering how they’d do it.

So basically this episode adapted chapter 39 and the first half of chapter 40. Which is a bit of a jump forward from the last episode covering chapters 25 and 26, but honestly I think it works fine to move Uo’s whole backstory arc up this early. Especially since we know that they’re also going to be adapting Hana’s backstory chapter later in this season, even though it happened even later in the manga, it’s clear that they’re trying to shuffle things about a bit so that the first season of the reboot covers all of the major character introduction/backstory arcs from the first half of the series, which I think is a good choice. This way the second season will be all about introducing entirely new characters and developing old ones.

I was wondering if they might attach chapter 50 to the next episode so that it can keep up a two chapters per episode pace, but I probably should have expected they’d just cover one and a half chapters per episode instead. It should work out for the best, but I guess this means that we won’t be seeing Kureno until season 2. I wonder if they’ll also leave Rin’s introduction to that point too. She gets introduced a little bit earlier than Kureno in the manga, but they’re gonna be shuffling things about later in season 1 anyway so she might also just appear near the start of season 2.

Anyway, that aside, this was a really good and faithful adaptation of the first half of this whole backstory arc. And since it covered less than two chapters, it gave them room to really flesh things out and to add a few things here and there, including an entire post-credits scene. Which was a real surprise, since I don’t think there’s been a single post-credits scene in the whole show before this point. But I’m not complaining or anything, since it was incredible. You’d think it would have been way too jarring after how sad of a note the episode ended on, but I think it did a nice job of just sneaking in some last minute comedy. It was also an entirely anime-original scene, which was nice. It’s pretty similar to a few background moments we get with the delinquent girls, but I’m pretty sure it’s technically still a new scene. I have a feeling that they wanted to give themselves an excuse to throw in some character animation that’s a lot more cartoonish and loose than what this series usually has, and I respect that, lol. It fit these characters really well, and it made the scene really stand out.

It’s also worth noting that back in the New Years episode they also added a scene that gave us a glimpse of Uo’s household, and how her father is a recovering alcoholic. Which at least puts a more positive and hopeful spin on this whole episode.

I’ve always really loved this whole arc from the manga, since it’s one of the best examples of the series’ willingness to take the time to really flesh out it’s supporting cast and to build up this interconnected web of relationships, and thankfully the anime’s really doing it justice so far. We still have another episode to go before this whole part’s finished, but I think it’s safe to say that the next episode should be just as good as this one.

The whole deal with Kyoko having been a delinquent in the past, and even Uo having been one too, have sorta just been running jokes up to this point, but this is where the story really makes it clear that on top of being a running joke, it’s also a topic that it’s willing to seriously dive into and explore the implications of. We haven’t gotten to the part where we really get to know about Kyoko’s own delinquent days [that’ll happen WAY later], but we do get a really interesting glimpse at her post-delinquency life in this episode, and most of all this is where we get all the details about Uo’s time in her gang.

The manga was already pretty explicit and heavy about it, especially for the time it was made, but pretty much everything about the animation and music and voice acting really elevated it even higher, and made the reality of it all even more hard-hitting. The specific type of gang Uo was in probably comes across as a bit more ‘dated’ in the modern day than it’s meant to, but I don’t think it’s super jarring or anything.

I have a feeling that most people getting into this series don’t exactly expect it to end up having a whole arc about how young people can fall through the cracks in society and end up involved in criminal activity before they know it, but that’s just what this series is like, lol.

I think one thing that really gives this whole part a distinctly ‘realistic’ tone is the fact that in several different ways it’s all about looking back on dark elements of your past when you’ve been able to grow past them and become a better and more happy person. Uo is literally narrating this story to everyone as a flashback just to highlight how different she is now and how much happier and more well-adjusted she is with Tohru and Hana in her life, and how she’s channeled her rebellious punk energy into being part of her self-confidence and independence, rather than it all being about her being a vulnerable live wire who just wanted to lash out at everything.

And on the other hand, we find out that the thing that really shook Uo as a child and made her think about her own life and whether or not she was truly happy was seeing how Kyoko had moved on from her own delinquency days and forged her own life and her own family. Like she said, she just learned to relax, and to let it all go, and Uo just didn’t really know how to process that at the time.

It just gives it a more mature and introspective sort of feeling, rather than having it be about characters who are still in the midst of it all. We do get the three delinquent girls who are tailing Uo in this episode. Though they’re mostly just funny background characters, which in it’s own way also spells out how the series isn’t trying to, like, glorify and glamorize the image of deliquency.

But I do still like, on the other hand, how Uo still has largely the same punk aesthetic and attitude going on. It’s just channeled in a more positive way, and she does it just because she genuinely enjoys it, and not out of a need to fit in with a gang. It’s just neat that the story still lets her embrace certain aspects of how she used to be, rather than having her completely abandon all of it and just be conventionally ‘normal’ afterward.

Also, before I forget, they also added a small detail of having Uo’s senpai from the gang watching her leaving Tohru’s house, and I think there were one or two other moments elsewhere that emphasized the way that she was keeping an eye on Uo. It’s not like there wasn’t any of that in the manga, but it was a lot more minor and easy to miss, and it was a bit more out of the blue when we found out later in this arc that she went to Kyoko for help.

And even if it wasn’t exactly a new scene, I really like how moody and atmospheric the scenes at the start and end of the episode with Uo in her apartment were. It’s not the sorta tone this series usually has, but it worked really well. The bit at the very end with Uo’s thoughts and the sound of her father’s TV blending together into overwhelming white noise was a really fantastic touch that helped get across how bad Uo was feeling.

With how this episode managed to be even more intense than the manga version was, I can’t wait to see how the next one goes, since it’ll be the big emotional climax of this arc. And now that we’ve seen how well they’re adapting Uo’s backstory, I can’t wait to see how their adaptation of Hana’s backstory chapter later in the season will be.

Also, on top of all the incredibly good and dramatic Uo content, the cute and fluffy present-day scenes were even more cute and fluffy than they were in the manga. It’s kinda funny at this point how much they’re leaning into the Kyo/Tohru ship-tease, lol. I feel like Kyo’s screen-time in this episode was 90% just him blushing and making a >n< face and honestly I am living for it.

I have a feeling that a lot of anime-only people might not even realize that this is actually the first part of a two-episode arc, rather than a self-contained episode like basically all of the ones before it, since it was still so cohesive and satisfying on it’s own. So I wonder how surprised they might be when they find out that the next episode is a direct continuation of this one.

Anyway this was a great episode and I’m even more excited than ever to see the anime get even deeper into ‘new’ material.

#murasaki rambles #fruits basket

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firedingo · 5 years

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A Not So Little Update Post On Life

So it’s been a while since I’ve done one of the blog posts. Not by choice though. Life has been hectic!

Dad

So one of the biggest changes for me has been walking into a full-time caring role for my father who is challenging at the best of times because he likes the world to operate on his terms and that’s not how life works. At times I struggle to get him to see the seriousness of his situation.

He has long term health issues which include chronic alcohol abuse leading to memory issues and seizures when he undergoes withdrawal. He’s also only partially compliant with taking his medication which leads to further issues.

On top of that he had a valve replaced a few years ago with a metal one which means his blood clotting level needs to be monitored regularly and at the moment he’s like a rollercoaster going between so thick it’s like cheese to so thin it’s like water.

It’s also not helped by the fact my father is also essentially homeless and couch surfing with friends and refusing to even entertain any option that would cost more than $100/week. He’s dreaming if he thinks he’ll find anything at that rate because he won’t but because a mate of his will charge him that much to sleep on his couch he now compares everything else to that -_-

Uni

The other big thing which I think I’ve mentioned before has been uni. I went back to study to finish off my bachelor of Information Technology off. I have about a year’s worth of work left but doing it at part-time rate since I’ve been caring for my father.

Passed 1 of 2 subjects last semester which was my first semester. Got an additional exam for the other subject. Missed passing the final exam by 8 marks which means no subject pass even though I have the marks to pass :(

Only doing one subject this semester but will sit two exams in exam period. The additional exam from last semester and the exam for this subject. I’m hoping I can do this. A touch anxious because despite dropping back to one subject I’m still struggling to find time thanks to my father.

So 2 weeks ago my father was admitted to hospital confused thinking it was 1999 again. I spent a week concerned about him. Then 2 days ago I was admitted briefly for a few hours.

Viral Illness

For the last 6 days I’ve been suffering what I think is just a common cold but it has beat the living crap out of me. On triage at the hospital I had a temperature of 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

I was also highly dehydrated despite drinking perhaps 4 litres or more of water every day for the previous 4 days. Alas none of the water was being absorbed and was just passing through me.

I also had a heart rate of 130 beats per minute which is only like 40 more beats than I’d normally have.

So they started me on a bag of fluids and got me some pain relief for my throat which by this stage was making it all but impossible to swallow food or liquids. About 30 minutes into the bag of fluids they checked me again and my temperature had gone up to 39.1 degrees Celsius or 102.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Yikes! Another 30 minutes later and my temp was back at 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

Then the lovely nurse I knew gave me some steroids to reduce the swelling in my throat and started some antibiotics to cover their butts in case bacterial(I don’t think it’s bacterial but anyway).

Quite a few people commented that the colour has returned to my face after the bag of fluids. I began to realise little things like the return of saliva generation, the reduction in my thirst desire which I’d just not really registered in the 4 days prior. I was drinking automatically when I needed it but not really registering I was thirsty.

After everything I felt a lot more alert and more like myself. I wasn’t shivering every 5 seconds too. Just before discharge they checked my obs again and temp was down to 37.2 I think degrees Celsius or 98.96 degrees Fahrenheit. I remember 37 point something at least. Almost normal as I think it’s 36.7 for normal. My heart rate came back from 130 beats per minute to 100 beats per minute which was much better too.

So as you can see I’ve had a hell of a week with a raging fever and cough and sore throat. On Tuesday evening I reckon I might have been a good 39 or even 40 degrees Celsius / 102.2 or even 104 degrees Fahrenheit.

So consequently I’m now so far behind on an assignment due this week. Hoping I’m granted special consideration for it. Between my dad last week and me this week I’ve been unable to work on it. It’s not hard but it will require a clear head and time neither of which I’ve been able to find.

Church & Christianity

Now the other big news. So I’m not sure if I’ve said it here or much here but I think it’s worth sharing.

So 7 and 3/4 months ago I started going to church with my neighbours. At first it was an exercise in curiosity and intellect. I learned heaps and found sooooooo many assumptions I’d made were sooooooooo wrong too.

Remember kids, Never Judge a Book By Its Cover! And that goes for the Holy Bible too!

Seriously though I’d never read it and made assumptions from what little I did know. I was made a fool of to myself for that. I was glad to know the truth first hand for myself.

What I never expected was to believe. In all this time I’ve been skeptical and questioned everything and you know what? It stacks up more than you might expect.

What has struck me the most is when you read through what Jesus went through in that final week leading up to his crucifixion. It becomes pretty clear that the horror of what is about to happen begins to really set in for Jesus.

Through Year 11 at high school I took Ancient History for a subject. I looked at Emperor Nero and the burning of Rome. Consequently I got to know Tacitus’s work very well and I quite respect him as a historian. He speaks about Jesus.

Tacitus was a Roman senator. He was born within a few years after Jesus’s death and he was no fan of Christians or Jesus and was VERY loyal to the Roman empire, yet he speaks with such confidence of the death of Jesus you have to ask why would he lie? To me this along with the likely medical evidence of what he went through says Jesus died on the cross.

It was a pretty gruesome death. He essentially suffocated to death in agonizing pain and according to the Bible he was fully conscious of what was happening until the last moment when he finally grew too weak to be able to inhale again.

So the striking bit, the striking bit is that despite all that, Jesus WILLINGLY went through it all. How many people can you say that would do that? That would suffer an unbelievably painful death to save another?

That’s such a profound love that it’s almost incomprehensible. We see mirrors of that behaviour in tragedies we experience. I think about the one of the cars that drove down one of the streets in Melbourne and people pushed others out of the way of the car to save them only to be collected themselves. That’s love, incredible love!

That’s why I so really.....well love this passage from Romans 5, because I think it captures the whole idea and act of love so well.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

- Romans 5 : 6 - 11

The other thing I never expected was to be poked back when I started poking Christianity. I can’t explain it.....or well I can’t scientifically explain it but when I pray God hears me and my prayers are answered.

Mental health

Getting to know Jesus and through Jesus God has been one of the best things for me. So the word Gospel means good news and truthfully this has been good news, this has been the best news of my life.

Quite literally it has saved my life. And I don’t mean like saved from being thrown into hell. I mean saved from taking my own life by suicide saved.

Before as readers should know, I had a pretty hopeless outlook on life. I would describe it as a nihilistic hoplessness because it really was that bad.

So I went to my church’s Good Friday and Easter Sunday services. The minister preaching then on Easter Sunday said “death removes the meaning from life”. It profoundly changed the way I looked at everything!

It all struck me and made sense to me on that Good Friday but it was Easter Sunday that transformed my life and filled me with hope.

Suddenly everything mattered in the light of the idea of eternal life. For you see even our greatest buildings will be consumed in more or less 1000 years. At that point what can we do that will last? Nothing!

But if we live after death then the most valuable thing we have is our relationships and how we treat other people.And that means what I do now will have a lasting impact because I will remember what I’ve done and so will they.

That means every action now has meaning, from something as simple as helping an elderly person reach something at the supermarket to how I speak about my life to other people.

I have begun to change in response to this too. Fear no longer rules my life.

I find that lots of the Bible is true, for example when Jesus says:

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

- Matthew 11 : 29 - 30

I find that this is very true. The burden is far less than I put upon myself and I bear the world on my shoulders as the Titan Atlas did/does.

I have been so profoundly changed for the good by my belief I got baptized last Sunday. I froze my arse off too :P

Despite that it was a wonderful day and I want to share with all of you the profoundly good news and great gift I have found in Christianity and my church.

While I know not everyone is interested, can I encourage anyone who is to take a chance, to really go all in. Look at me, I tried to take my own life in the past twice no less and yet I have been given the greatest gift - a life of hope and love by daring to take a chance. If I can go from nihilistic hopelessness to a life of hope and love then why not give it a shot?

What’s the worst that can happen eh? Worst is that nothing changes but I think you’ll find more than that because there’s something about Christianity that’s beautiful and healing.

To give you some insight. I’ve been struggling with self-harm thoughts for a long time, more than a decade. The other night while I was very ill and not coping I had to deal with them again. I said no and pushed back against them. It’s the first time I said no and didn’t self-harm myself despite the thoughts.

I have changed. I have grown, I have healed and I am healing and I am loved and I love and I have hope and NONE of this would have been possible without church and Christianity. It’s truly profoundly changed my life for the better!

Game Jam & Closing Stuff

So as you can see my life has been hectic hey? I haven’t given up on video games either :D

I started having a crack at GMC Jam a few weeks ago but well dad ate my time up. I did get something started though. I should finish it though.

And yes that is a giant infinite column of spawning slimes :P

And yes I noticed my tiles needed a bit of adjusting and offsetting to make them a touch bit better but that’s cool. I was impressed I got like 4 variations with minimal work to add variety.

The player also animates just in a still image that’s hard to show.

Just been so stupidly busy I just haven’t had the time for video games! But I wanted to share some of my life and give a bit of an update on things because well it might be a while before I can get another one of these little......well not so little update posts out.

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helenofsimblr · 6 years

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I have a LOT of catching up to do!

I was tagged to do the 57 facts thing by @fayts4 @tabbyrhsims4simblr and @midnightdevotions I think I got everybody if not you’ll have to forgive me my shoddy memory. But I have so many blogs to catch up on I am ready to cry!

1. Simblr is a secret thing for me, only my husband knows about it. Its my own guilty pleasure.

2. I recently became a parent and I am very much planning to have at least 1 more while there is still time!

3. I have done a lot of work on some really amazing stuff, none of which I can ever talk about due to secrecy agreements.

4. I have a PhD in mathematics, so that proves I am super boring.

5. I tried my first cigarette at age 11, but didn’t touch it again till age 26 which was when I took it up, I would smoke anything from 0 to 10 cigs a day depending on the day I had. I quit cigs this year aged 32 in January. So hopefully didn’t do myself too much damage.

6. At age 29 I started smoking cigars on special occasions those are: my birthday, Christmas, New year, Valentines, and my wedding anniversary. Being the “badass” I am, I inhale every 5th drag for a little extra kick, even though you shouldn’t do that... I have not quit the cigars!

7. I have a younger brother and an older sister, I am the middle sibling.

8. I have only ever had 3 boyfriends in my life. And 1 “fancy man.”

9. I was engaged to be married to my second boyfriend, I basically twisted his arm into it because of my condition I was afraid I’d be some old woman called Ms instead of Mrs, he did not want to be married, not to me anyway. I should have realised that back then...

10. While I was engaged to boyfriend number 2 I had an affair which lasted about 8 months, it was with a colleague at work, and it was amazing! I don’t condone cheating, not in the least, but I realise, the sensible thing to do would have been to call off the engagement.

11. I had giganstism (Acromegaly) as a child, I am 6 foot 7 inches tall bare foot. I do not like being this tall... not one bit. There are so many health issues that come with this, that it really isn’t worth it.

12. When I stopped growing, Acromegaly causes your face and hands and feet to carry on growing... I have size 14 feet. UK size. My hands are large enough that I can grip 4 tennis balls in one hand easily.

13. I have no tattoos. I have never ever wanted a tattoo. I don’t actually like them very much.

14. I don’t have any piercings anywhere else beside my ears. I have 2 piercings in each ear.

15. I am a huge petrol head. I love cars and I will happily have a discussion with any man about them, or woman if she is so inclined!

16. Due to the facial changes caused by Acromegaly I decided to go and get cosmetic surgery in late 2017 to change my face back to a more softer look.

17. I love Star Trek. Captain Kirk is my favourite captain, he is the best. No discussion. If it wasn’t for Kirk there would be no Picard, no Sisko, no Janeway. None of those pretenders would be here!

18. I think Quentin Tarrantino and his films are vastly overrated and often incomprehensible and worst yet, non linear.

19. I really dislike the taste of alcohol. The only drinks I get on well with are Guiness and Gin and tonics. Most others I don’t like. I hate wine.

20. I hated that stupid Pokemon Go craze!! The amount of people who walked into me in the street... That shit was dangerous.

21. My hair used to be naturally blonde, but in recent years its started to get darker, which is why I now use colouring to keep it where it was.

22. I should wear glasses to read, but I don’t bother.

23. While preggers I had gestational diabetes. Which was not fun at all.

24. I love swimming, but I hate the sea because I am afraid of whats in it. Sharks, jellyfish, all sorts of wonderful, yet horrid creatures designed to kill and maim!

25. When I was doing my PhD, somebody on my research team literally took about 80% of my thesis content and used it in their thesis. I had no time to appeal or go through proper channels as I already had a job lined up, and was due to have my pituitary tumor removed, therefore, my only option was to redo 80% of my thesis.

26. I am not religious (at least not in any organised way), however, I find the theory of how the universe came into being utterly laughable. A big bang... seriously?? If before the universe, there was nothing, where did the shit that exploded come from? Its bullshit. Truth is, nobody knows for sure, but we’re so desperate to know that scientists will happily invent theories to fit what few facts they have.

27. Despite not being religious, I firmly believe in existence after death. I say existence, not life, there is a difference. I have seen what would be colloquially referred to as a “ghost” when I was 13 years old.

28. I love the old pulp sci fi, things like Lost in Space, and voyage to the bottom of the sea

29. My favourite foods are pizzas. I cannot get enough of them! In particular just bog standard pepperoni

30. I suck at sports. Any sport, and I suck at it.

31. I often worry about things so much I lose my perspective, I cannot help but worry and it usually leads to a cascade of worry and I may make poor decisions.

32. I am part German. I can speak German, to a fashion... its not very good as I rarely use it.

33. I have regular chiropractic care and I have to say its worth every penny. I feel better physically now than I have in years! As a bonus, the IBS I suffered with, since I have been seeing my chiropractor has actually cleared up!

34. I am currently trying to complete something on my bucket list, I am attempting to watch EVERY John Wayne film.

35. I hated Star Wars the Last Jedi. Shit film!

36. I have a cuddly toy from I was a baby which I still have! (I don’t sleep with it of course)

37. I love inappropriate/dirty jokes.

38. I am, somewhat, anti-abortion. I understand there is a time and a place for everything however, but given birth control and access to morning after pills...

39. I am not political, I loathe politicians. None of them have a clue what it is like to be in the real world. Also... why do we have Ministers of health who have never been a nurse or doctor? And so forth... doesn’t make sense!

40. I have been married 3 years now.

41. I cannot bend over and touch my toes.

42. I recently took a woman to court and won! After she keyed (Scratched the car with a key) my Range Rover from bumper to bumper in the supermarket.

43. I hate shopping. I find it so tedious and inconvenient. I honestly do not understand how other females can find this a pleasurable activity!

44. I have never tried any illegal drugs in my life.

45. Apparently I was late performing all my children milestones. Walking, talking and potty training. I took months longer than my siblings did.

46. I find it really hard to go to the toilet in a public toilet. It disturbs me.

47. I hate it when people tell me “You’re late.” As though I have no concept or track of time. I usually reply with “I was quite aware before you pointed it out.” I never apologise for being late, unless I know that my being late was definitely my fault.

48. I am often amused by simblr. Especially at all these “dramas” that pop up round here. Particularly over custom content and how it should never be uploaded by anybody but the creator or changed or whatever... did I mention how somebody took 80% of my PhD thesis and used it in their work? Oh yes. Point number 25.

49. If I go for ice cream, doesn’t matter where it is, I will always go for vanilla.

50. White chocolate is my favourite chocolate of all. So sweet and creamy...

51. I am allergic to penicillin.

52. I love superhero films. Particularly the Marvel ones. I think Marvel do better films than DC but DC do better animated films / television than Marvel do.

53. I think Nolan’s batman trilogy is overrated speaking of superhero films.

54. Speaking of films, only once ever have I walked out of the cinema. I remember I went to see Mr and Mrs Smith, and half way through I walked out. Have never seen the end of that film since.

55. My favourite Junk Food is bacon double cheeseburgers!

56. Due to having acromegaly... every year... without fail... I have to go and get a camera up my ass! Yeah its great being tall(!)

57. I HATE pears. I mean hate them! I hate the texture of them in my mouth, I hate the feel of their skin, I hate EVERYTHING about pears. Even sat here typing this I get goosebumps. If I was trapped on a desert island where all there was to eat was Pears. I would starve to death!

I tag, @themoonglitch @rebelsoulsims @igglemouse and @flowers--girl and @sparkiemonkey and @alittledaylight do this EPIC tag. If you think you can’t. or done it, or don’t want to cool.

#tag game #57 things tag

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borisbubbles · 6 years

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12. DENMARK

Rasmussen - “Higher ground” 9th place

youtube

Ok, so somehow, in a contest with a nautical theme, the one song which *literally* started with the line “Ships in the making, bound for a distant shore” never got to open any of the live shows??? ¿¿Que??

So, Denmark. Quite possible the opposite of my previous entry, yet its greatness is just as challenging to put into words? As much as “Taboo” was a inaccessible conglomeration of every possible fucking staging trick, so simple was “Higher Ground” It is a great song, but I find it hard to explain why. It is just so much fun?

It’s like a chapter of the Edda Saga come to life, with its Old Norse chanting, banner-swaying and feigned-drunken slrrrrring uv wrrrrds creating a truly immersive atmosphere. (I love all things Norse, so I was never NOT going to stan this) I love how one of the backings looks like precisely like Conchita Wurst’s long-lost sister. I dunno, Higher Ground just shines on its own, without the need of convoluted gimmicks (tho still bless Malta’s souls for burying “Taboo” under them for no other reason than it (barely) fitting within their ad-funded budget <3).

So it’s of no surprise that this ended up the Michał of the year, yes?

As you are well aware of, Eurovision is in a continuous process of ‘reinventing itself’, which is code for ‘rejecting its Euroschlager roots in favour of increasedly pallid Ultratop50 knock-offs’, like guuuuurls you can do better than that. Think of an entry in this year that was actually *original*. I come up with... “O Jardim”, “Mercy” and maybe “Hvala, ne!”? Congratz 3/43. This shocking display of self-loathing creates a power vacuum for the few -for some godforsaken reason- critically panned Euroschlager anthems which *do* make it into Eurovision proper. As the only entry in this year (out of 43) which can be described as “classic eurovision schlager”, “Higher Ground was always going to attract a lot of attention. Add in a few clear-as-crystal references to Game of Thrones (Rasmussen is literally Tormund + guyliner and a weave), a ubiquitous Viking tone and just general dramatic badassery, you’ve found yourself an audience’s fave and the bane for any jury chairperson’s existence.

This is the long explanation why “Higher ground” is actually a great entry. It is the only entrant, in a year so widely praised as the “first serious contest in years”, that actually feels traditionally Eurovision. For a brief moment, we are hooked up on pure Classic Eurovision, the term often used to describe the time when “Eurovision Songs Were Still Good”.

And yes, it is highly ironic (and tragic) that the one entry that reminds many of that very murkily defined time period venerated by the critics, is also one that was critically panned by crappy self-important jurors. Would it that jurors had any self-awareness (I’m pretty shocked the EBU were able to find 43 rooms big enough to house the jurors and their egos), but oh well.

I suppose this is where I address the Melofestivalen shit, yes?

So, the jist of it is this: Two Swedes write “Higher Ground” for Melodifestivalen and get brutally rejected by Christer for reasons I can only guess, as HG was far better than anything in Melfest this year.. (Christer = Melfest’s Jeff Probst).

Considering that Denmark has a herstory of recycling past Swedish trends- omg reminder that the 1986 Danish entry was a frame-by-frame carbon copy of the 1985 Swedish entry 😂, please enjoy the pictorial evidence I have provided in support of this statement

ps: I love that the Danish entry was called “You are full of lies” so unselfaware, so meta, so Denmark <3

but I digress. Anyway,

Considering that Denmark has a herstory of recycling past Swedish trends, they of course picked up the "Higher ground”, put it in DMGP, substituted the Swedish singer with a Danish one and voila! The melfest reject wins DMGP with his fingers up the nose, cementing his place amongst the canon as an audience darling, and YES scoring significantly better than Ingrosso in the televote 😍The discrepancy shown by televote wasn’t as hilar as “Colour of your life” rising from last to sixth with one sudden stroke (given that Sweden had a higher combined score than Denmark somehow 🙄) but whatever, the ending was perfect because much like the Edda, this Viking Saga also ended with the evil trickster getting swallowed by the World’s Serpent. Sorry, Christer, should’ve taken the LEEP LAKYU WERBWND; FRR HIYRRRR GRWWWWWWND!!!!!

RANKING SO FAR:

12. Denmark (Rasmussen - “Higher ground”)

13. Malta (Christabelle - “Taboo”)

14. Cyprus (Eleni Foureira - “Fuego”)

15. United Kingdom (SuRie - “Storm”)

16. Serbia (Balkanika - “Nova Deca”)

17. Portugal (Cláudia Pascoal - “O jardim”)

18. The Netherlands (Waylon - “Outlaw in ‘em”)

19. Ukraine (MÉLOVIN - “Under the ladder”)

20. Macedonia (Eye Cue - “Lost and Found”)

21. San Marino (Jessika ft. Jenifer Brening - “Who We Are”)

22. Sweden (Benjamin Ingrosso - “Dance You Off”)

23. Austria (Cesár Sampson - “Nobody but you”)

24. Latvia (Laura Rizzotto - “Funny girl”)

25. Azerbaijan (AISEL - “X my heart”)

26. Israel (Netta - “Toy”)

27. Norway (Alexander Rybak - “That’s how you write a song”)

28. Montenegro (Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje”)

29. Armenia (Sevak Khanagyan - “Qami”)

30. Poland (Gromee ft. Lukas Meijer - “Light me up”)

31. Greece (Yianna Terzi - “Oniro mou”)

32. Georgia (Iriao - “For you”)

33. Belgium (Sennek - “A matter of time”)

34. Italy (Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro - “Non mi avete fatto niente)

35. Romania (The Humans - “Goodbye”)

36. Ireland (Ryan O'Shaughnessy - “Together”)

37. Croatia (Franka - “Crazy”)

38. Belarus (ALEKSEEV - “Forever”)

39. Russia (Julia Samoylova - “I Won’t Break”)

40. Spain (Amaia & Alfred - “Tu canción”)

41. Iceland (Ari Ólafsson - “Our choice”)

42. Australia (Jessica Mauboy - “We Got Love”)

43. Czech Republic (Mikolas Josef - “Lie to me”)

FOOTNOTES

1. I couldn’t really fit it into the narrative, but the actual reason why Rasmussen is only 12th and not higher is because I found the act kind of visually underwhelming. (the snow at the end is particularly sad) Like I said, the song is great and I often have it on loop, but the act is a bit too small for a stage that big.

2. That said, “Higher Ground” is by far the song I’ve listened to the most often this season, which bodes well for any future positive morphs when I rewatch this year in the distant future.

3. Rasmussen bombing with the jury probably has more to do with the lack of gimmicks than the genre of the song. Like I said, the song pretty much carries itself, so if you stop to ponder and list all the things great about it, it all boils down to “the song is catchy and fun”, which is not what juries look at (juries love intricate acts, layered complexity and technical finesse, none of which are particular strengths of this entry)

4. Yes, I think it’s MASSIVELY hypocritical to glom onto songs such as “A Matter of time” under the pretence of “It’s a good song” when yeah it was, but everything else was shit and then subsequently ignore “Higher Ground” for being “only a good song”. wtf.

5. While I do enjoy trashing the juries on a regular basis, be aware that during the actual Jury Era of this show, none of the juries were professional. In fact, when I rewatched 1978 and 1985, both times the hosts were ADAMANT to remind the audience that the juries were in fact NOT professionals, but 10 randomly selected civilians (Celeb and non-Celeb) with no direct ties to the music industry whatsoever. This is precisely why entries such as Riva, Bucks Fizz and Toto Cotugno managed to win a ’jury vote’ with a comfortable lead lmfao imagine that happening now. Anyway, the bottom line is that today’s “five professionals” jury system fucking sucks and has to be swallowed by Jörmundgandr also.

6. ’Eurovision used to be good before’ is such a weird statement, yet I hear it all the time in relation to the contest (by people of my age group????) Like... what exact years are you refering to, cuz like... the 2000s were trash and I can’t honestly think of a decade as consistently good as the 2010s lol? We haven’t had a weak year since 2012!! (but of course, most of the people I’ve talked about this in person have, by their own admission, not seen a year since 2010 so how would they know lol)

7. If we assume that 'Eurovision used to be good before’ refers to the time when Eurovision was song-centric, that doesn’t make a lick of sense either? If you’re old enough to remember the late 1960s your taste is probably irreconcilable with mine anyway. And yes, while it took until #London1977 before we finally got a ‘gimmicky’ year, this also made for one of the most watchable, consistently fun contests ever, -even to this day- while “song-centric” years like 74; 75 and 78 are grueling to sit through nowadays unless you have the taste of the average Söngvakeppnin voter. Gimmicks were a part of ESC even during the Chanson Era, as the language barrier was a massive hurdle for any song not sung in French. And true, the “gimmicks” then weren’t more than “performing barefoot” or “having a key change”, but good lord it’s the sixties, flat, boring French Chansons dominated and only because everyone fucking understood French, SO GRASPING AT STRAWS HERE.

8. The funny thing is that Denmark didn’t copy Kikki Danielsson’s evergreen once, but twice. 😂 “Hallo Hallo” (DK1990) was just a repackaged “Du er fuld af løgn“ (DK1986), which as I said, was itself just a slightly different “Bra Vibrationer” (SW1985). It’s seriously some Bra Vibraception shit.

9. I will never stop shitting on Melfest 2018. It was pure Tropical House Torture and yes, Rasmussen > literally everything in that, including the entries I actually like (which were... Jessica Anderson, Ida Redig and... um... Edvard Blom? Rolandz? Margaret? Samir and Viktor???? *gunshot*) 😂/🙄@ rescinding their roots for 2014′s musical fade. Pray that Christer never discovers reggaeton - though who am I kidding, it will dominate ESC selections in 2020, bank on it.

10. Now that I’ve mentioned them, one of “Higher Grounds” songwriters (Niklas Arn) actually was the bass player for Rolandz (who were my second faves in the finale by fucking default). Robbed twice, both in Melfest and outside of it, smfh.

11. Oh and I think “Higher Ground” in the hands of Sweden, absolutely would’ve been guaranteed top five (watch how most of these “professional” jurors suddenly would *like* it because, you know, Melfest Winner) and that’s all the humiliation I need. That said, I doubt “Higher Ground” ever would have actually won Melfest (it has the Heartbreak Hotel “dominates televote, gets screwed over by juries” label stamped all over it) but oh well, that’s just because Melfest SUCKS and the “International Juries” are a fucking farce. So it worked out for the better that “Higher Ground” was in fact not in Melfest, I think.

12. Rasmussen is actually the first Danish ESC contestant since Emmelie de Forest that I’ve liked. Gratz?

#Eurovision 2018 #Eurovision Song Contest #Denmark #Rasmussen #Higher Ground

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destinyimage · 3 years

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Jesus, Race, Gender, Pain, and Rejection

God has called us to be ministers of reconciliation to all people – to all races, to all genders, to the confused, to the frustrated, to the marginalized.

This isn’t a call for preachers or for full-time clergy; it is a call to the entire Body of Christ. Wherever you are, you are challenged. I think we need a brain change. We need to change our way of thinking and understand that the highest call in the world is not to be a preacher, but to do the will of God. If you doubt me, just examine the life of Jesus and see what His emphasis was!

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Whatever the will of God is for your life, that’s ‘‘God’s call.’’ If God hasn’t called you to be a preacher but you want to be one anyway, you will miss God’s highest for your life. I know a lot of people who are trying to be preachers when they are not called to preach. People who are ‘‘obedience-challenged’’ are a miserable lot. I also know a lot of people who don’t want to be preachers when that is what God has called them to do. The truth is that both groups of people are missing it: The highest call in the world is to do the will of God. The highest example of earthly obedience to a heavenly call is the life of Jesus Christ.

But when the fulness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, in order that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons (Galatians 4:4-5).

The Bible and secular historical sources all agree on the basics: Jesus Christ was a real person who was born in a certain time and place in history. He came into a very real family in a very real place, and His locus was ancient Israel, in what the British Empire would later call ‘‘Palestine.’’ (The Jews have never liked this word, which was derived from the Latin root, Palestina, meaning Philistine.) He was a Nazarene who was born under the Law in ancient Bethlehem, with a family lineage that could be traced in the Torah all the way back to the line of David (according to the flesh). All this can be demonstrated by history. He was born a male child, was circumcised, and was presented to the Lord in the Temple of Herod. He grew up and learned the family trade of carpentry while living with His earthly parents in perfect subjection to them until He was 30 years old. Since the heavenly Father sent Him, we can accurately say that God sent His Son in such a way that every human being on earth could identify with Him. Why?

But we do see Him who has been made for a little while lower than the angels, namely, Jesus, because of the suffering of death crowned with glory and honor, that by the grace of God He might taste death for everyone. For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things, and through whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to perfect the author of their salvation through sufferings. For both He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified are all from one Father; for which reason He is not ashamed to call them brethren,

Since then the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same, that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil; and might deliver those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives.

Therefore, He had to be made like His brethren in all things, that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted. Therefore, holy brethren, partakers of a heavenly calling, consider Jesus, the Apostle and High Priest of our confession. He was faithful to Him who appointed Him (Hebrews 2:9-11,14-15,17--3:2).

According to the writer of Hebrews, our High Priest, Jesus Christ, can sympathize with our weaknesses and faults and feel what we feel (see Heb. 4:14-15). The issue of race, gender, or social standing has nothing to do with the Lord’s ability to feel our pain and sense of failure. He is our legitimate mediator who can totally identify with everything that we will ever go through in any way.

Our great High Priest understands gender confusion, even though we are afraid to even discuss it. He understands racism and sexism and the pain and rejection they breed. According to the inspired Word of God, our High Priest can be touched by our infirmity or feel our pain in every situation.

Don’t You Care?

I know of two occasions in Scripture where people challenged Jesus about whether or not He sympathized with their pain. The disciples wondered whether or not Jesus cared about their fears when a violent storm threatened to swamp their boat. Jesus was sleeping in the bow at the time, but the disciples were busy hoping they wouldn’t die. It must have been a terrible storm, because most of these men were expert fishermen and sailors who made their living on that same lake. The disciples got so upset that Jesus was sleeping while they ‘‘were drowning’’ that they shook Jesus and woke Him. Then they said, ‘‘Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?’’ (Mk. 4:38). What they really said was, ‘‘Don’t You care that we are drowning?’’

In retrospect, it was a pretty silly question, but Jesus stood up and spoke to the wind. He didn’t act ugly; He just stood and told the wind to shut up (see Mk. 4:39). He didn’t say, ‘‘Now if you fools ever mess with Me and My nap again.’’ No, He responded to their challenge that He didn’t care with a challenge of His own: ‘‘Why are you so timid? How is it that you have no faith?’’ (Mk. 4:40) When anyone decides to question the Lord’s ability to care, He has a right to challenge their faith.

The second instance involved Martha, the religious workaholic in the Gospel of Luke. I’m being a little rough on her, but she epitomizes the way many Christians approach Jesus Christ today. Jesus had entered her house as an invited guest and Martha was agitated that He was content to continue talking with her sister, Mary, while she ‘‘slaved’’ in the kitchen alone (see Lk. 10:40). She was in the kitchen rattling everything she could and probably throwing the things she couldn’t. She was developing a serious attitude problem. Jesus and Mary were having a great conversation as Mary sat at the Master’s feet, totally ignoring Martha’s temper tantrum in the next room.

Since Jesus obviously wasn’t getting the message, Martha finally stormed out of the kitchen and confronted Jesus by saying, ‘‘Don’t You care?’’ (see Lk. 10:40b). Jesus was gentle with Martha, but He made it clear that while He did care about her feelings, He cared about Mary’s soul and spiritual well-being much more. Then He told Martha to be more like Mary (I’m sure that went over well).

I’m Not Like You

In a Scripture passage describing the way some of God’s people thought He might be overlooking their sin, the Lord completes His statement with this remarkable sentence: ‘‘These things you have done, and I kept silence; You thought that I was just like you; [but] I will reprove you’’ (Ps. 50:21). The problem is that we think God is just like us. We expect Him to be partial, limited in understanding, or totally out of touch with our feelings and pain, but He isn’t. He can sympathize with us in every area of life.

At times I’ve become angry over the deceptive maneuvers and hypocritical actions of national political or religious leaders and I felt resentment and indignation rising up. I thought God hated those men and their evil deeds as much as I did in those moments, but then He would invade my thoughts and say, ‘‘Joseph, you think I’m like you, but I’m not. You’re not like Me, because I don’t hate or resent those men I love them.’’

Fresh thoughts of the Lord’s loving sacrifice on the cross and God’s mercy and grace flooded my mind and I began to realize that I didn’t get here on my own. My goodness didn’t bring me here and my righteousness didn’t bring me one inch closer to God. The only reason I am forgiven is because God had mercy on me. In His mercy He ignored my failures and faults. He said, ‘‘Garlington is messed up, but he needs Me. He doesn’t like Me, but he needs Me. He doesn’t want Me, but he needs Me anyway.’’ So He sent somebody to tell me that I needed Him and that message of hope got through. As the song ‘‘Your Grace and Mercy’’ states:

Your grace and mercy Brought me through I’m living this moment Because of You.

I just want to thank You And praise You too Your grace and mercy Brought me through.

Remember How You Got Here

Every now and then, we all forget how we got where we are in God’s Kingdom. That is when we are tempted to set up court and throw the heaviest Bible we can find at the ‘‘offenders’’ of the world. ‘‘Oh God, call Your fire down from Heaven!’’ We have forgotten our call, but God hasn’t. Don’t be surprised if God shows up in your court of vengeance and says, ‘‘Child, I’m not like you. I don’t even want to be like you. But I do want you to be like Me. I’ve called you to reconcile the world back to Me.’’ As the Church of Jesus Christ, we need to stop saying, ‘‘America, to your knees!’’ We need to say, ‘‘Church, to your knees!’’ Before we can say, ‘’Repent, America!’’ we need to humble ourselves according to Second Chronicles 7:14 and say, ‘‘Church, repent!’’ Judgment always begins at the house of the Lord. First we must be reconciled to God and to one another in the Body of Christ. Then and only then can we reconcile the world to God.

We raise our voices in protest against pornography when we have pornography pouring into our homes through magazines and TV cable service! We are too quick to stand back and pray, ‘‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people,’’ when we are actually just like them.

Cost Accounting 101

Whether we like it or not, Jesus has passed along to us His ministry of reconciliation. The plan is simple and unalterable. First you and I must be reconciled to God, to be brought back to His original intent for our lives and our local churches. Then we must be reconciled to one another in the bonds of unconditional love, ‘‘loving our neighbor as ourselves.’’ That is where the Church is right now.

Now great multitudes were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them, ‘‘If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters [in comparison to his love for Me], yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost, to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation, and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’ ’’ (Luke 14:25-30).

Jesus hasn’t changed His mind. Remember, He isn’t like us. He is still telling His double-minded Church, ‘‘It’s going to cost you to stay with Me.’’ It is going to cost us our prejudice toward members of other races and social groups. It is going to cost us our pride and lead us to publicly repent for our abuse of members of the opposite sex or our children. It will cost us our compulsive love of money, achievement, and the praise of men. It will cost us everything, and it will gain us everything. First we must be reconciled to God. Then we must be reconciled to one another. The next step is God’s dream for the earth. He wants us to be ministers of reconciliation to the world, to boldly urge the lost souls around us to be reconciled to God. We need to remember that the only reason we call upon the name of the Lord today is because someone was willing to tell us the truth about God yesterday.

God’s Word says that if the Church does not judge itself, He will judge it Himself:

For he who eats and drinks, eats and drinks judgment to himself, if he does not judge the body rightly. For this reason many among you are weak and sick, and a number sleep. But if we judged ourselves rightly, we should not be judged. But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord in order that we may not be condemned along with the world (1 Corinthians 11:29-32).

Paul says in the Book of Acts, ‘‘And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent’’ (Acts 17:30 KJV). I believe that God is out to capture the attention of the Church and of the world----through dramatic means if necessary. In the days ahead, I believe that we are going to see some very ‘‘significant’’ people in significant places dropping out of their elevated positions because God is going to ‘‘clean house.’’ This is not the time to think that we can get away with our secret sins and hidden pleasures and still call ourselves Christians.

If you have a sin problem, then you had better take it directly to God and get that problem settled. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m simply saying that you and I live in a different season. I believe that God is going to bring judgment to national leaders and judges in America, Europe, Asia, Africa, and throughout the world, but first He will bring judgment to the Church. If we are wise, we will judge ourselves first and be quick to repent and be reconciled. It is time to count the cost and obey the Lord of all. He commands us to be ministers of reconciliation to a broken world, but first we must be reconciled ourselves.

#Hightlight

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