firedingo

[firedingo]

Questions And Doubts

It's been a while since I posted here. It feels like a good time to collate thoughts and feelings.

I've been wrestling with so much lately.

Mental Illness

The mental illness I have isn't better. Even after 36 days in hospital I am unchanged. Every day I still wake up wishing I was dead. Every day begins the same debate again and again. Do I carry out my plan and end it all or fight to hold on one more day?

My local community mental health never do anything, even when my part time psychologist calls them and says she's telling me she's thinking about suicide, you need to call her because I can't be there for her, even then they do nothing.

I really need to see a psychiatrist but there's none I can access. Yeah unless you can find $800 per appointment you can't see a psychiatrist at all in Australia. And it's not like I need a one off appointment, I would need regular follow up.

What am I suppose to do?

In hospital they decided that sleep was the only thing they wanted to address. So unsurprisingly no one gave a crap about anything else. So it's not surprising that after all that I'm still the same.

Neurodivergence

It's not just mental illness that means I need to see a psychiatrist. Both my psychologist and I both are convinced I have undiagnosed and untreated Autism and ADHD.

We'd both like to try me on some ADHD meds but of course the only way to do that is with a psychiatrist. Which I can't afford and there's no alternative funding options available.

So increasingly I am seeing that there's nothing I can do about my conditions.

Caring

I still care for my father. He's just been diagnosed with White Matter Disease. To summarise, he has an abnormally high number of lesions in his white matter that impact his ability to function as a person. The lesions happen as we age but you're typically close to death before you get enough to be a problem. But certain lifestyle factors among a few other things can cause more to appear and earlier.

And despite this, I can't get any help whatsoever for caring for my father and he is rejecting any additional help also, leaving me in an impossible situation.

Faith

Lately I've been struggling with my faith.

The core of Christianity is the gospel. That God made everything perfectly and the pinnacle of his creation was us. And for a time we lived with God as King, but then Satan convinced us (Adam and Eve) that maybe God wasn't always right and so we sinned. And as a result the only outcome was to consign all of humanity through all of time to hell. But God in so caring about his creation sent his son Jesus into the world, and Jesus went about teaching people to repent and believe and turn back to God, and when the time was right he died on a cross. But because he was perfect AND sinless, death couldn't hold him, so his father raised him to life again, and all who believe that that death and resurrection was a substitution for them, so that they don't have to go to hell will be saved and brought to heaven.

I believe Jesus existed and died on the cross. I believe Jesus's words about sin and what his death would do, I'm not completely certain but I think I believe in the resurrection also (even if it goes counter to all I know as "normal").

But despite all that I've really struggled lately to keep going and to hold on to my faith.

I've been weary of life. I think that's evident in my struggles with mental illness and caring and other struggles.

I keep coming back to these same questions:

Am I a Christian if I don't desire what God desires? (See David: 1 Samuel 13:13-14, Acts 13:22)

Can I have the Holy Spirit if I desire to walk away?

If all I want is to kill myself, does that mean God has abandoned me?

If I'm not a Christian, does that mean I had a false conversion?

I do know I don't want to go to hell, If I pray that God "helps me in my unbelief" (Mark 9:23-25) and nothing changes, does that mean God didn't choose me?

Does this mean Hebrews 6:4-6 and the Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13:1-23, Mark 4:1-20, Luke 8:1-15) apply to me?

Am I doomed?

Is all of this mental illness?

I spent some time reading on Hebrews 6:4-6...

4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,  5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age  6 and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

I found my commentary and study Bible helpful.

My study bible says:

"The most common interpretations of this difficult passage are:

It refers to Christians who actually lose their salvation

It is a hypothetical argument to warn immature Hebrew Christians (Hebrews 5:11-14), that they must progress to maturity (Hebrews 6:1) or else experience divine discipline or judgement (Hebrews 6:7-8)

It refers to professing Christians whose apostasy proves that their faith was not genuine (1 John 2:19)

This view (number 3) sees chapters 3-4 as a warning based on the rebellion of the Israelite in the wilderness. As Israel could not enter the promised land after exploring the region and tasting its fruit, so the professing Hebrew Christians would not be able to repent if they adamantly turned against "the light" they had received.

According to this interpretation, such expressions as "enlightened", "tasted the heavenly gifts", and "shared in the holy spirit" indicate that such a person had come under the influence of God's covenant blessings and had professed to turn from darkness to light but were in danger of a public and final rejection of Christ, proving they had never been regenerated. (Hebrews 10:26-31, 2 Peter 2:20-22)"

I appreciate what Matt Witman says when he says the NIV plays it "safe" with their study notes now. My study Bible (Yep NIV) doesn't really draw any conclusions on this passage but I do like that it gives me all the different views. I really do like that. If we want to teach Christians to think for themselves and make their own conclusions up, having all the different views listed can help a Christian to think through them all.

My commentary (New Bible Commentary) just assumes the third interpretation is correct. It raises some interesting questions it explores as well which I find helpful in my thinking.

But can genuine Christians become apostate?

How do we answer this question in the light of the rest of the Bible and even the rest of the book of Hebrews?

Is the passage saying some Christians were doomed from the start or is a warning that even those who are failing can still be saved?

And if they are doomed, what do you make of their genuine experiences of conversion?

It helped a lot to think through the thoughts of both of these commentaries.

I found the study bible notes on context helpful. I'm not as familiar with Hebrews as I am with other books of the Bible.

The suggested linked passages of Hebrews 10:26-31 and 2 Peter 2:20-22 I would broadly agree with. Of the three interpretations, I think the third one makes the most sense. My commentary cites John 10:28-29 and Philippians 1:6 as verses for support and refutation of interpretation 1. Although I couldn't give you the reference off hand, the words of John 10 have been kicking around in my mind in response to it. So on that point I think the commentary and I are in agreement that Christians can't lose their salvation. (For some reason this always sends off a bell in my brain about Catholicism).

Some helpful comments from my commentary included:

"But can genuine Christians become apostate? Hebrews certainly suggests that those who fall away may have every appearance of being truly converted. They have "once been enlightened", indicating a decisive entrance of the light of the gospel into their lives. They have "tasted the heavenly gift", which may mean receiving Christ himself and all the spiritual blessings he offers. "Tasting" implies experiencing something in a manner that is real and personal (not merely "sipping"). They have "shared in the holy spirit" (lit. "having become partakers of the holy spirit"), so that their rebellion involves insulting the spirit of grace. Finally we are told that "they have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age". This suggests a decisive experience of the benefits of the new covenant."

"We may wish to say that those who are truly regenerate will never fall away, but the genuineness of the new birth is proved by persistence in faith."

I found this made me think about Hebrews 11. I found it helpful in context with some of the notes from my study bible on 1 John 2:18.

More specifically the comments about how the antichrists (I like to think little or small antichrists vs big antichrist. Just my way of keeping them separate in my head) are so decisively different.

Specifically it says:

"But prior to him (big antichrist) there will be many antichrists (little antichrist). These are characterized by the following:

They deny the incarnation (1 John 4:2, 2 John 7) and that Jesus is the divine Christ (1 John 2:22)

They deny the father (1 John 2:22)

They do not have the father (1 John 2:23)

They are liars (1 John 2:22) and deceivers (2 John 7)

They are many (1 John 2:18)

In John's day they left the church because they had nothing in common with believers (1 John 2:19)"

As I thought about that I realised that I'm not a lot like that at all. And from what I've read and know I kinda feel like there's 3 groups of people.

People who get and believe the gospel completely

People who get the gospel but have a choice to make, to follow or not

And people who don't get the gospel and no matter what, they never would accept it.

And it made me realise there's a lot of fear underpinning my questions. And I wouldn't have realised that without digging into this. I've had Hebrews 6:4-6 used against me, to say that I couldn't be saved no matter what. And that fear still lingers.

But I know that I believe Jesus was a real person, I'm not strong on my Old Testament so I'm less confident on saying he's the divine Christ, but I know enough to say yes.

If Jesus is who he says he is, well logically what he says about the father must be true. And I think I know in my heart the father is who he says he is but I admit I'm not strong on this point. And I'm not sure what part of the Bible I'd point to with confidence on this.

As for having the father, my brain immediately went "whoever accepts me has the father". Something of a paraphrase of what Jesus said. It took going to google to find a reference because sometimes it's like that. But it came back with Matthew 10:40. Not sure that is the exact section I was thinking of but close enough.

For me that point is not a question. It reminds me of John 14:23.

For liars and deceivers, I am reminded of John 8:44. It's easy to think any person who ever lies is caught by that passage but the context is Jesus's identity and so by extension that of the father's and the holy spirit's and what they do and what they seek to achieve.

And that final point, they left the church because they had nothing in common with believers. I see a gulf between me and others, I see myself as having nothing in common but truly, that isn't accurate. Even if there is a gap, there are stepping stones of commonality. Jesus lived and Jesus died to name but two.

I don't know where I will land and whether I will find a way forward or not but I found comfort in poking this, encouragement that even someone falling behind has not yet failed, that there is a difference between me and a non-believer and that how I see myself and how God sees me or even how any of the apostles would see me is different to me.

I don't know what to do about everything but I know that I can't keep going on like this. I am at breaking point. Every day I wake wanting to die, the thoughts give me no reprieve and the challenges I face for myself and my father (earthly dad for clarification) are beyond impossible and I don't know if I will surmount them. Most days it's a win If I don't something stupid between waking and sleeping.

But maybe I can find a way through on the faith side of things. Maybe for the moment that's the thing I can deal with? My psychologist has suggested another hospital stay.....I don't know whether that's a good move or not given how the last one turned out and how community mental health have basically not even bothered to do anything.

So yeah that's me with all my questions, doubts, confusions and fear.

#mental health #thoughts #blog #mental illness #autism #adhd #neurodivergent #christianity #jesus christ #gospel #bible #jesus #holy spirit #depression #anxiety #caring #carer #self harm #suicide

[firedingo]

I Am Ashamed

I am ashamed.......I feel guilty......I feel awful.

I am the daughter of the living God.

Forgiven. Adopted. Redeemed. Loved. A New Person.

And yet despite all this I am ashamed.

I know this, I live out my faith and yet I feel broken. I cry at church as I’m the only one not sitting with anyone. A poignant reminder that while the others have families, that even the other singles have family members that believe, I do not.

I cry and I hurt and I wish for it to change and I feel guilty. God adopted me and yet all I can do is cry about the family that rejected me.

Jesus died on a cross in the most awful way possible and he did it so his Father could forgive and adopted me and yet I cry over a family that doesn’t care, that didn’t even tell me our last dog was unwell until she died.

I have the hope of an eternal life, the chance to live forever in a perfect world and yet I can’t get past my own broken reality in the here and now.

And all this seems to be compounded by the fact my minister seems to be keeping me at arms length and yet happily talks to other people.

Am I that detestable that I am not worth investing in? Am I just some piece of furniture to be forgotten now that I’ve said I believe?

I know the black dog is howling and barking, that sounds stupid and mad. And yet time and time again I can’t help but feel invisible and forgotten.

I get it, people get busy, my church is 1 minister down anyway so I get it, there’s extra work load, we’ve had covid, things are changing....I get it, people get busy.

But I’m not nobody and all I want is some support. I feel like a leaf floating in the breeze, disconnected from a tree. I feel like I pour out myself for everyone around me and not a single person sees.

I’m not nobody! I’m the daughter of the living God! Why won’t anyone see me? Please someone, anyone see me!

“ Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up. ”

-Proverbs 12:25

#christianity #church #ministry #serving #mental health #mental illness #shame #guilt

[firedingo]

Long Time No Post.....

______________________________________________________________

So yeah......it's been a while.

What am I up to? Well let's see....

Obviously still at uni. I'm now effectively in my final year. I have 2 subjects, 1 software development project and 1 year and then I can graduate.

I can't believe I'm this close now after almost a decade at this degree (not counting the like 5 year break I took in that decade :P)

I'm well and truly engaged with the Christian Students group on campus. They're really frankly quite awesome. We put on a BBQ for the other students after a bar night recently. We're working through John in the Bible and I'm so keen for small groups to kick off and the events coming up this year.

In my first year in 2019 I didn't get involved in events and last year covid either stopped or radically changed events last year. So I'm super keen this year because it's my last year there.

In the face of everything.....childhood trauma, mental illness, covid, stress, family.....my church, my faith and the christian students group has been a huge anchor for me.

That of course leads to church and faith. So with covid we moved to a new location....the local christian school. That meant learning a new AV system....I actually feel quite confident running AV now.

The flip side means I run AV at one or both of the services I go to on Sunday almost every Sunday possible.....yes we need more AV trained people.

I love learning about AV and serving but sometimes you do need a break.

My mental health has been interesting to say the least. I have brilliant days but also really bad ones. I don't know what I would do without my faith. I've really been hanging on to a passage in Romans lately.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

- Romans 8:18

I've found this verse to a good reminder that eternal life is still better than letting the crap in life get the better of me.....What will anything matter in 10,000 years time in heaven? Nothing. Of course that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like the end of the world right now.

Oh we humans are such fickle creatures....

So I also signed up to do Introduction To The Bible, a subject run by my church through an organization they help manage along with a couple other churches. It has been hugely interesting to see the bigger picture of the Bible. I remember someone told me early on that the whole Bible points to Jesus but it's actually really cool to see how that works, especially with the Old Testament and be hugely encouraged by what I've read and learned.

A highlight for me was seeing how God so deeply cares and loves in Hosea.

" “When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. But the more they were called, the more they went away from me. They sacrificed to the Baals and they burned incense to images. It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them."

- Hosea 11:1-4

Another highlight was realizing that the Exodus - the Israelites being saved in Egypt, lead out to God and eventually to their promised land with blessing given to them - is a mini example of God's plan of salvation. It encourages me when I wonder if God will ever return, or on the mentally tough days when I wonder if God will save me.

He can, he has and he will!

I've also begun helping teach scripture classes in school. It has been wonderful to have kids to love and care for in scripture class. I don't know if I will ever have kids of my own but I do know I care about people, I am deeply moved by my faith and I think how can these kids ever make a choice if they never hear, so my aim is to give them the best understanding of what I believe.

The hardest thing is the exhaustion, the complete and utter exhaustion. I want badly to have a break yet I don't get one. I've tried asking for so much help and support only to find out I don't qualify.

I still care for my dad too. I don't get any support there.

I probably do 60-75 hours of "work" across any particular week right now. Some of it I didn't need to agree to right now but much of it isn't a choice. I'm tired and worn out.

The system here is broken because someone like me can study, care nearly full-time, do volunteer work and somehow not qualify for any support or help. Hell I can reach the point of being suicidal and still not qualify for help. That's how broken the system here is.

I have no hope things will actually get better....the only hope I have is that one day I will get to rest when I see God.

Honestly I feel like canon fodder to the government. I don't have the resources or capacity to change much of my circumstances, the government does and yet I genuinely believe that they don't care at all, in fact I reckon quite a few wish I were actual, legitimately dead.

Honestly what's the bloody point any more? If things are never going to improve, what's the bloody point to life? Keep getting beaten to a pulp until I finally burn out and kill myself?

Frankly it'd be better if I did it now in the face of that. Only my faith gives me a reason not to......You know who's around the corner that needs to hear about God.

I know being a disciple of Jesus isn't easy in fact hardship should be expected yet I don't think suicidal ideation was what that meant.

So I hold on to my faith and what I know and pray like hell that I don't act on the thoughts.....

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

- John 3:16

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!"

- Romans 5:6-10

#update #religion #scipture #university #student #government #mental illness #depression #study #faith #church #jesus #agriculture #suicide #carers #covid 19 #blog

[firedingo]

A Not So Little Update Post On Life

So it’s been a while since I’ve done one of the blog posts. Not by choice though. Life has been hectic!

Dad

So one of the biggest changes for me has been walking into a full-time caring role for my father who is challenging at the best of times because he likes the world to operate on his terms and that’s not how life works. At times I struggle to get him to see the seriousness of his situation.

He has long term health issues which include chronic alcohol abuse leading to memory issues and seizures when he undergoes withdrawal. He’s also only partially compliant with taking his medication which leads to further issues.

On top of that he had a valve replaced a few years ago with a metal one which means his blood clotting level needs to be monitored regularly and at the moment he’s like a rollercoaster going between so thick it’s like cheese to so thin it’s like water.

It’s also not helped by the fact my father is also essentially homeless and couch surfing with friends and refusing to even entertain any option that would cost more than $100/week. He’s dreaming if he thinks he’ll find anything at that rate because he won’t but because a mate of his will charge him that much to sleep on his couch he now compares everything else to that -_-

Uni

The other big thing which I think I’ve mentioned before has been uni. I went back to study to finish off my bachelor of Information Technology off. I have about a year’s worth of work left but doing it at part-time rate since I’ve been caring for my father.

Passed 1 of 2 subjects last semester which was my first semester. Got an additional exam for the other subject. Missed passing the final exam by 8 marks which means no subject pass even though I have the marks to pass :(

Only doing one subject this semester but will sit two exams in exam period. The additional exam from last semester and the exam for this subject. I’m hoping I can do this. A touch anxious because despite dropping back to one subject I’m still struggling to find time thanks to my father.

So 2 weeks ago my father was admitted to hospital confused thinking it was 1999 again. I spent a week concerned about him. Then 2 days ago I was admitted briefly for a few hours.

Viral Illness

For the last 6 days I’ve been suffering what I think is just a common cold but it has beat the living crap out of me. On triage at the hospital I had a temperature of 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

I was also highly dehydrated despite drinking perhaps 4 litres or more of water every day for the previous 4 days. Alas none of the water was being absorbed and was just passing through me.

I also had a heart rate of 130 beats per minute which is only like 40 more beats than I’d normally have.

So they started me on a bag of fluids and got me some pain relief for my throat which by this stage was making it all but impossible to swallow food or liquids. About 30 minutes into the bag of fluids they checked me again and my temperature had gone up to 39.1 degrees Celsius or 102.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Yikes! Another 30 minutes later and my temp was back at 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

Then the lovely nurse I knew gave me some steroids to reduce the swelling in my throat and started some antibiotics to cover their butts in case bacterial(I don’t think it’s bacterial but anyway).

Quite a few people commented that the colour has returned to my face after the bag of fluids. I began to realise little things like the return of saliva generation, the reduction in my thirst desire which I’d just not really registered in the 4 days prior. I was drinking automatically when I needed it but not really registering I was thirsty.

After everything I felt a lot more alert and more like myself. I wasn’t shivering every 5 seconds too. Just before discharge they checked my obs again and temp was down to 37.2  I think degrees Celsius or 98.96 degrees Fahrenheit. I remember 37 point something at least. Almost normal as I think it’s 36.7 for normal. My heart rate came back from 130 beats per minute to 100 beats per minute which was much better too.

So as you can see I’ve had a hell of a week with a raging fever and cough and sore throat. On Tuesday evening I reckon I might have been a good 39 or even 40 degrees Celsius / 102.2 or even 104 degrees Fahrenheit.

So consequently I’m now so far behind on an assignment due this week. Hoping I’m granted special consideration for it. Between my dad last week and me this week I’ve been unable to work on it. It’s not hard but it will require a clear head and time neither of which I’ve been able to find.

Church & Christianity

Now the other big news. So I’m not sure if I’ve said it here or much here but I think it’s worth sharing.

So 7 and 3/4 months ago I started going to church with my neighbours. At first it was an exercise in curiosity and intellect. I learned heaps and found sooooooo many assumptions I’d made were sooooooooo wrong too.

Remember kids, Never Judge a Book By Its Cover! And that goes for the Holy Bible too!

Seriously though I’d never read it and made assumptions from what little I did know. I was made a fool of to myself for that. I was glad to know the truth first hand for myself.

What I never expected was to believe. In all this time I’ve been skeptical and questioned everything and you know what? It stacks up more than you might expect.

What has struck me the most is when you read through what Jesus went through in that final week leading up to his crucifixion. It becomes pretty clear that the horror of what is about to happen begins to really set in for Jesus.

Through Year 11 at high school I took Ancient History for a subject. I looked at Emperor Nero and the burning of Rome. Consequently I got to know Tacitus’s work very well and I quite respect him as a historian. He speaks about Jesus.

Tacitus was a Roman senator. He was born within a few years after Jesus’s death and he was no fan of Christians or Jesus and was VERY loyal to the Roman empire, yet he speaks with such confidence of the death of Jesus you have to ask why would he lie? To me this along with the likely medical evidence of what he went through says Jesus died on the cross.

It was a pretty gruesome death. He essentially suffocated to death in agonizing pain and according to the Bible he was fully conscious of what was happening until the last moment when he finally grew too weak to be able to inhale again.

So the striking bit, the striking bit is that despite all that, Jesus WILLINGLY went through it all. How many people can you say that would do that? That would suffer an unbelievably painful death to save another?

That’s such a profound love that it’s almost incomprehensible. We see mirrors of that behaviour in tragedies we experience. I think about the one of the cars that drove down one of the streets in Melbourne and people pushed others out of the way of the car to save them only to be collected themselves. That’s love, incredible love!

That’s why I so really.....well love this passage from Romans 5, because I think it captures the whole idea and act of love so well.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

- Romans 5 : 6 - 11

The other thing I never expected was to be poked back when I started poking Christianity. I can’t explain it.....or well I can’t scientifically explain it but when I pray God hears me and my prayers are answered.

Mental health

Getting to know Jesus and through Jesus God has been one of the best things for me. So the word Gospel means good news and truthfully this has been good news, this has been the best news of my life.

Quite literally it has saved my life. And I don’t mean like saved from being thrown into hell. I mean saved from taking my own life by suicide saved.

Before as readers should know, I had a pretty hopeless outlook on life. I would describe it as a nihilistic hoplessness because it really was that bad.

So I went to my church’s Good Friday and Easter Sunday services. The minister preaching then on Easter Sunday said “death removes the meaning from life”. It profoundly changed the way I looked at everything!

It all struck me and made sense to me on that Good Friday but it was Easter Sunday that transformed my life and filled me with hope.

Suddenly everything mattered in the light of the idea of eternal life. For you see even our greatest buildings will be consumed in more or less 1000 years. At that point what can we do that will last? Nothing!

But if we live after death then the most valuable thing we have is our relationships and how we treat other people.And that means what I do now will have a lasting impact because I will remember what I’ve done and so will they.

That means every action now has meaning, from something as simple as helping an elderly person reach something at the supermarket to how I speak about my life to other people.

I have begun to change in response to this too. Fear no longer rules my life.

I find that lots of the Bible is true, for example when Jesus says:

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

- Matthew 11 : 29 - 30

I find that this is very true. The burden is far less than I put upon myself and I bear the world on my shoulders as the Titan Atlas did/does.

I have been so profoundly changed for the good by my belief I got baptized last Sunday. I froze my arse off too :P

Despite that it was a wonderful day and I want to share with all of you the profoundly good news and great gift I have found in Christianity and my church.

While I know not everyone is interested, can I encourage anyone who is to take a chance, to really go all in. Look at me, I tried to take my own life in the past twice no less and yet I have been given the greatest gift - a life of hope and love by daring to take a chance. If I can go from nihilistic hopelessness to a life of hope and love then why not give it a shot?

What’s the worst that can happen eh? Worst is that nothing changes but I think you’ll find more than that because there’s something about Christianity that’s beautiful and healing.

To give you some insight. I’ve been struggling with self-harm thoughts for a long time, more than a decade. The other night while I was very ill and not coping I had to deal with them again. I said no and pushed back against them. It’s the first time I said no and didn’t self-harm myself despite the thoughts.

I have changed. I have grown, I have healed and I am healing and I am loved and I love and I have hope and NONE of this would have been possible without church and Christianity. It’s truly profoundly changed my life for the better!

Game Jam & Closing Stuff

So as you can see my life has been hectic hey? I haven’t given up on video games either :D

I started having a crack at GMC Jam a few weeks ago but well dad ate my time up. I did get something started though. I should finish it though.

And yes that is a giant infinite column of spawning slimes :P

And yes I noticed my tiles needed a bit of adjusting and offsetting to make them a touch bit better but that’s cool. I was impressed I got like 4 variations with minimal work to add variety.

The player also animates just in a still image that’s hard to show.

Just been so stupidly busy I just haven’t had the time for video games! But I wanted to share some of my life and give a bit of an update on things because well it might be a while before I can get another one of these little......well not so little update posts out.

#god #blog #jesus #mental health #depression #self-harm #suicide #mental illness #religion #christian #christ #christianity #gamemaker #gamemaker studio 2 #hospital #cold #fever #dehydration #university #information technology #bachelor's degree #software design & development #parents #caring #carer #game jam #gmc jam #gospel of matthew #romans #apostle paul

[firedingo]

The Best News & The Greatest Gift

So my life has been busy. When I started 2019 I was looking forward to uni and finishing my degree off. I have 2/3 of a bachelor of information technology majoring in software design & development under my belt.

I was given credit for the 144 points I’d completed previously. I need 192 to get my degree. Going in part time means it’ll take a bit but I’m ultimately happier to be doing part time study now.

I am actually in my exam weeks now for my first semester. I have my first exam in 3 days time.

Very late last year I was taking my neighbour’s escapee dog back to them and plucked up the courage to ask my neighbour a simple question: “Where do I begin if I wanted to find out more about Christianity?”

I’ve always looked at the world and said there’s nothing I didn’t want to know. On top of that I had seen how big Christianity was and the influence it still held. So going in I wanted to understand it from an intellectual point. To not judge a book by its cover.

I think my neighbour was quite taken by surprise at the question but also excited. She loaned me some kids books she had since she teaches scripture classes. I read them over Christmas and they went away so it wasn’t till early this year I was able to get back to my neighbour with the questions I had from the books.

From there she invited me to attend church along with her and her family. Eventually I did go. On February 10 in fact.

I was 5 minutes late and a nervous wreck. Despite that my neighbour came out to meet me and sat with me through the service. It was a lot and I managed to turn up when they were in the middle of a series on Romans. So I was told by plenty of people I just walked into one of the hardest books to deal with.

Surprisingly I handled it well. I began taking notes and turning up regularly. It was aided by the minister Paul being brilliant at explaining things. A few weeks later my neighbour invited me to a course the church was running called Life.

It was essentially a look at the whole issue of Christianity from a non-believer’s perspective.

Week 1 was working out what the whole thing was about and why we should consider Christianity

Week 2 Looked at the Authenticity and Authority of the Bible and compared other historical texts to help give you a sense of where the Bible stands

Week 3 Covered the idea of sin and that there’s nothing you can do about it

Week 4 Looked at the solution to sin aka the death and resurrection of Jesus

Week 5 Looked briefly at how people should respond if they decided to follow Jesus.

It was really interesting and I began to find myself enjoying going. The minister Paul was also running the class (The church has several ministers).

While this was excellent my focus was still on uni and getting through. By this stage I’d just covered a little short of the first 5 weeks of semester and I was burning out a bit from going so hard and was grateful I had a 2 week break coming up.

Through this I had continued to go to church and my neighbour invited me to join her bible study group. I did although nervously. I hardly said anything and must have looked like a frightened mouse. As you can tell I’m not great with new things.

By the time I hit the mid-semester break I was getting sick with a cold from I think a sick child at church and was feeling close to burned out. I spent my first week of the two week break sick but spent the second relaxing and recovering.

Coming back I felt a lot more refreshed. By this stage I’d ended up going to a bible study group through my uni also. Some of the messages I was hearing through the sermons were definitely resonating with me, particularly with my depression flaring up and impacting me.

I nervously went to the Good Friday service at the church I’d been attending. I was nervous because it was a change in routine for me. I’d also been dealing with probing questions from my family who had noticed a sudden change in behaviour for me. I went from being a hermit to going out every second day or so.....to be fair half of that was using the uni library but still.

Anyway the minister Paul was on leave at the time so another minister Greg gave the Good Friday sermon. I was struck by something he said “death removes the meaning from life”. I was so struck it was like everything clicked. In that moment I can’t explain what happened exactly but I was not myself.

I was distracted during the afternoon tea after the service and couldn’t seem to focus. As soon as I was able to get time from people I felt my feet carry me to Greg. I can’t explain why and they didn’t feel like my feet. And the words that came out didn’t sound like me yet it was me speaking.

I literally ended up confessing and repenting that afternoon with Greg. Looking back I can only assume it was intended to happen that way. I also don’t regret it because I have found an unexplainable joy has come on me.

I’ve written at length about my depression on this blog. On a scale from 1 - 10 with 1 being the worst day and 10 being the best ever, I routinely rated myself a 3 or 4. Since Good Friday I’d say on many days I’m now a 7 and I can’t explain it. I also don’t object. The joy with the message “death removes the meaning from life” I’ve had something of a new zeal for life as a result.

So I’ve kept going to church every Sunday and it’s actually become a place where healing has begun. I have serious and problematic unresolved childhood trauma, to the point my psychologist thinks I might even be suffering from PTSD as a result. Would explain why I’ve struggled so much to get better.

Anyway everybody at church has been so warm and loving and inviting and they’ve all done nothing but encourage me to keep going. Something I never had as a child. I was always made to feel stupid, incompetent, useless and worthless. My needs were never considered and my achievements minimised.

I’ve had the exact opposite at church and in a few months I’ve watched as the encouragement has papered over the cracks in me and helped me feel stronger and more capable of handling life. Of course I need to fill those cracks with help from a professional which I am working on but I’m still amazed at how in such a short time, a few months I’ve gone from being broken to a little bit better.

Surprisingly the more I’ve explored Christianity, the more it has resonated with me. I’ve looked at quite a few religions previously - Islam is on my to do list still - and Christianity is the first religion I’ve poked that poked back. And that blows my mind. I’ve never seen a religion active and alive and responsive to me. And when I say that things happened that I can’t explain. Things that happened that were exactly what needed to happen and no other explanation besides the supernatural can I find.

Before I would look at life with a very nihilistic view. Since going to church I see the world differently. I actually find myself making the choice to fight for my life. Before I never fought for my own life. I figured I’d be dead by 30. I turn 28 this year. And now I have hope again.

I just can’t believe how incredible the change has been since going to church and honestly I can’t say how grateful I am that Scott Killen reached out that day on twitter and started me on this journey years ago. And how grateful I am that my neighbour invited me to church.

And of course I am still grateful for mDiyo who dragged me out of the darkness of that void time and again all those years ago. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here today. Thank you, all 3 of you! <3

I took a chance and I took a leap and I do not regret it. This has honestly been one of the best things of my life and I will spend every moment I can saying thank you and even then it can not cover how grateful I truly am. How blessed I am to have this chance. Thank you! <3

#christianity #christianity explored #gospel #bible #jesus #church #life #death #mental health #depression #university #life course

[firedingo]

Government Messages & Mental Health - A Little Blog

I’m not sure how to write this or what to say.....It’s a jumble of thoughts and feelings in my head mixed with the desire to just go to sleep. So I’m sorry if this isn’t coherently logical but I will try my best.

I have had Depression for many years. It wasn’t until recently I began to see beyond the feelings. Beyond the pain and disconnection.

I learned that my family is something of a trigger for me and due to my childhood/family I have issues. Giant, raging issues!

I learned that I have a huge fear of abandonment which tracks with my awareness of myself. I don’t know if my friends see it but I do. I see myself as clingy with them. I try hard to not show it/be it but I still see it regardless. I also say often how alone I feel, how much I don’t feel I belong.

When you feel like you live on an island even when people are around, it’s no wonder I have huge abandonment issues.

Another thing I see is worthiness. I don’t feel worthy of a lot of things. It makes me feel worthless and hopeless. I feel like an abject failure. Like a rejected human being who was never suppose to exist.

I look at myself and I hate what I see. And the more I feel unworthy, the greater the chance I feel compelled to punish myself for something I feel unworthy of having, doing, experiencing, knowing etc.

Physically I don’t look fat, on a scale however I’m close to 100kg. Because of genetics I’m never going to be stick thin. My GP reckons about 73kg is healthy for me. Yet when I look at myself I can’t help but subconsciously tell myself things like:

“I’m a stupid fat cunt”

“I’m ugly”

“I’m a useless waste of space”

“I’m lazy”

“I’m hopeless”

“I’m a failure”

If you can think it then I’ve probably said it to myself.

I don’t tell people these things generally. Either because they just insist it mustn’t be true or they just end up judging me for having these thoughts or they don’t want to hear it so they ignore me and walk away.

It has taken me so long to unwrap everything and understand this what’s going on and yet despite knowing those thoughts are negative and I should challenge them....I......I don’t think I can. I fear they’re ingrained beliefs picked up from my family.

Currently I’m on my government’s job seeker payment. It’s not much. I try to do the best with what I have. Yet when the government or the local media get up and say things like:

“ 'I'm bored and I want a new dirt bike' “ - https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6626563/Centrelink-bludger-pleads-advice-boost-payments-buy-dirt-bike.html

“Australian state with the most dole bludgers targeted in crackdown“ - https://www.news.com.au/finance/money/budgeting/australian-state-with-the-most-dole-bludgers-targeted-in-crackdown/news-story/18ee1dd57316d6236e0a415e1ad9d3d6

“Pressure mounts on Vic welfare cheats“ - https://www.sbs.com.au/news/pressure-mounts-on-vic-welfare-cheats

“Dole bludgers must work on struggling farms or risk benefits“ - https://www.9news.com.au/national/2018/10/13/11/22/dole-blugers-morrison-government-fires-warning

“The Federal government is getting rid of 'dole bludgers' in new crackdown“ - https://www.9news.com.au/national/2018/08/03/18/54/centrelink-loophole-crackdown-to-stop-dole-bludgers

“Budget 2017: Substance abuse crackdown and random tests for dole bludgers“ - https://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/national/federal-budget/budget-2017-substance-abuse-crackdown-and-random-tests-for-dole-bludgers/news-story/20f0568f9d750c97bf7e5eafde05285a

When the government or local media say things like that, I just feel unworthy, useless and like I’m a pariah. It makes me feel guilty for telling the welfare agency Centrelink I have Depression because then I feel like a “Bludger” then I feel like maybe I somehow made up the last 10+ years of my life including two suicide attempts. But I didn’t and I know I didn’t but that doesn’t change how I feel.

Words have power. The word “Bludger” is deliberately chosen because it carries negative connotations with it. The same is true of the words “cheat”, “criminal” & “liar”.

Humans like to categorize things, humans like to put things into boxes. It’s one of the ways we understand the world around us. Assigning words to things allows us to label them and by extension categorize them. If the words we choose are negative then that thing becomes negative.

So the single mother of 2 claiming newstart the job seeker payment because her husband is no longer around to provide and she doesn’t currently have a job goes from a very sympathetic case to a negative one. One in which she’s seen as an enemy, someone to be fear, to be rejected, to become a pariah.

If it was just the government putting out the messages, a lot of people would shrug it off as government propaganda because that’s exactly what it is but with local media pushing the same messages it becomes more than propaganda, it becomes an embedded sentiment in society.

I see that sentiment everywhere including in my own family. They don’t believe in depression and they think any form of social security without a job is just being a lazy bludger.

That sentiment just reinforces the guilt, the unworthiness, the rejection. So I try to do things. For example finish my degree off(I do actually want to finish this regardless of other factors). Recently I bought my textbooks. About $560 worth. I look at what little savings I have and I weep for how they’ve fallen.

But because I feel guilty when I think about the cost of living, buying food, paying bills etc I think sometimes maybe it would be better off if I just gave up entirely. Just cut off everything.

I look at my body and feel ashamed of it and think maybe if I just starve myself long enough I’ll get better and I can save my money instead of spending it on food. I also think I’m bludger I’m not worthy of food or sustenance. It even makes me think I’m not worthy of receiving help for my Depression or asking for help with other issues related to my family/living arrangements.

I know the logic here is flawed but that doesn’t stop me thinking it or feeling it and it doesn’t stop me rejecting things like food for extended periods because somehow I feel “more worthy” for starving myself. For not being a “drain on taxpayer funds”, for not being a “bludger”.

It’s so easy for people to label others as things but what they don’t realise is the hidden damage they cause. The harm that comes from forcing people to make their world work with less resources, whether that’s emotional support, reputation, assets, skills, knowledge or even financial support.

Humans are remarkably resilient and adaptable. You only have to look at our creations to realise that but how long can a person adapt and survive when more and more is ripped away from them? How long until a person reaches their breaking point?

For me, I often feel like I’m at that breaking point. All I want is a little helping hand and instead I get negative reinforcement coupled with ever decreasing levels of help.

#newstart #social security #centrelink #depression #thoughts #feelings #politics #blog #mental illness #mental health

[firedingo]

Do you like waffle fries?

I’ve never tried waffle fries so I don’t know if I like them or not.

[firedingo]

Signs Of My Depression & Some Other Stuff

I’m starting to identify the first signs of a resurgence of my Depression. Catching it early is always best though I’ve not been able to identify my signs until recently since my Depression constantly changed.

With each breakthrough I would shed a layer of baggage and my Depression would change and morph.

It is a darkness I carry with me, a darkness that I can not seem to shed no matter how hard I try. So I try to identify the signs of it, to act before it can take hold.

It starts with a weight of lead. A weight somewhere between my heart and top of my throat. It sits there and puts pressure on my lungs so I can’t breath. I feel like I’m gasping for breath. Each breath I draw is short and sharp.

Then my stomach begins to turn. It becomes unsettled and makes the need to breath even greater. Despite my stomach turning I won’t throw up. I always know when I’m going to throw up. I get this fluttering feeling in the area under my jaw.

After that begins the sniffles. That means the tears aren’t far away. I usually find myself struggling to hold back the tears.

I begin withdrawing at about this point. I’m normally a quiet person in general unless I feel comfortable in my environment but you can tell when I’m withdrawing vs quiet. When I’m quiet you’ll notice my attention is focused and I’m listening and processing what’s being said/going on. But when I’m withdrawing I won’t be, I’ll be trying to shrink myself, to become invisible and disappear.

Also at the same time my attention and awareness begins withdrawing inside my head. The world around me becomes distant and like white noise to me. It’s like being in a glass box watching things happen. Sometimes something will stand out to me like everything else was made dull and this item has the brightness and saturation cranked up to produce a harsh contrast against it’s own environment.

I usually struggle to do tasks at this point as well. Sentences become hard to form, my focus is shot to hell, I lose my awareness of the rest of my body an consequently I can’t tell what my body needs usually.

The withdrawn awareness combined with the short and sharp breaths plus the crying usually produces a level of exhaustion so great that not long after all this I fall asleep.

When I wake I’m numb emotionally. All I can do is focus and act on the tasks in front of me. Though being numb is a relief from earlier, I know that at any moment that switch could flick again and the process will begin over again.

If I let the process run, at some point my mind will sometimes start ticking over, thinking negative thoughts.

Stopping the process is hard. If I can’t break the circuit before the withdrawing begins then it’s almost impossible to stop thereafter. Thus far I haven’t been able to identify a specific thing or series of things I can do to stop the process.

I am open to suggests from people though so feel free to suggest things to me.

And on a more positive note, I created this recently. My present to those of you who read this and read to the end.

Thank for that! :)

#depression #pixelart #blog #depressive cycle #thoughts #depression signs

[firedingo]

Christmas Time & My Family

Christmas, it’s suppose to be a good time. We say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” as though we’re implying it or willing it to be so.

When you think about Christmas you probably conjure up memories of family get togethers, good food, fun games or anything else that your family might o together.

For a lot of people Christmas is a great time. For me however it is not. It is a time when I am reminded of how much pain and disappointment can exist in the world.

Instead of a happy family, there is only expectations. I can probably count on one hand the number of Christmases I didn’t ultimately end up crying on.

I have a room that’s barely larger than 2 queen sized beds. With an old fireplace, built in wardrobe and queen sized bed, there’s just not any room left for a desk in there. As a result I often use the end of the dinning table since I prefer 2 screens over one where I can. It makes using a mouse easier and when I’m studying pixel art for example, it makes it easier with 2 screens to have a reference one one and a practice space on another.

Yet for a 2-3 month period my family, particularly my sisters expect me to give up my computer entirely because “it’s in the road” or they expect me to somehow use my bed.

Having done the bed thing before, it means one screen, it also screws up my sleep and my back too. Meaning the best spot for me is at a table on a proper chair and the only space we have available is the dining table.

As a kid, all I ever wanted was a magical day in which everything was perfect. It took me a while to realise that perfect meant a loving family. I would look at the trees the shops put together, naturally it was a whole sales tactic but as a kid I would look at them and go, they look perfect. I wish our tree could look like that.

Last year I decorated our tree and it really was as stunning and beautiful as the ones in the shops. This year I decorated our tree again since I seem to have won that job for all eternity thanks to last years effort. This year I think it looks good too.

I decided to go with a blue and silver theme for the tree this year.

While I was putting it together the other day, I realised how much I’m still striving to make that “perfect” day happen despite the fact I know it’s very likely to be one of the worst days in the year.

It’s plainly obvious to me now (This wasn’t always the case) that my family is a big problem in my life. I spend special occasions on high alert, constantly on the lookout for when the next family bomb is likely to explode.

Whenever I go out, I scan cars to see if they’re the same shape or colour as that of my family’s cars. I get extra jumpy and scan for hiding spots whenever I go to places where I need to go but which my family would use as ammunition against me.

The holidays are the hardest because of my family. I just want a place to call my own where I no longer have to live in fear of the next explosion. A place where I don’t freeze in winter because turning on the heater would cause a bomb to be lobbed in my direction from my mum. The heater being needed after 4 blankets not being enough to stave off the cold.

And yet when I say any of this I feel guilty, as though I’m suppose to be “grateful” for what I have and what my family has given me.

I feel ashamed too. I feel ashamed to be me. I feel ashamed to pursue my own goals and desires. I feel as if everything I do and all I am is an offense to so many people.

At Christmas time I feel this most acutely. One of my sisters has been studying in Sydney at uni. The only time she seems to come back in Christmas.

When she comes back, things get ten times worse. To her I always was a “toxic pit of garbage”. Being at uni has softened her slightly but not enough to stop her throwing bombs in my direction.

As a kid I starved, I would sneak around at night eating food because I believed I wasn’t allowed to have any food. So when Christmas came and there was so much food around, for some reason I would pig out thinking I could some how store the food in me for later.

When I was younger I would constantly ask myself what does love feel like. It wasn’t for lack of knowing. I’d seen thousands of examples of what love is. But I personally didn’t know....don’t really know.

For so many people, family is a good thing. For me it’s a horrible terrible thing and whenever I see families showing love to each other, particularly parents to their children, I can’t help but cry because I never experienced that. I longingly ache for that and yet I can’t have that.

It has taken me so many years to learn to close my heart to protect it. To close myself off from the pain and suffering my family has caused me. I know my friendships suffer because of it but I think things would be worse if it was the other way.

So for me Christmas is a horrible time, full of fear, pain and suffering.

I hope you at least have a good time and that one day maybe things will be better for me.

#blog #christmas #family #holiday #pain

[firedingo]

Blog Post - Thoughts, Feelings & Mood AKA Depression Is A Bitch

So today my Depression is a bitch!

No that's not an understatement. I quite literally call it a bitch because that's how I feel about it.

I knew this was coming. I'd been stressed for weeks, dealing with Centrelink only added to the stress.

Everything finally cracked today.

I've been teary and crying on and off, in between I've been numb. I've disassociated a bit, not full blown I've left my body but enough for me to be concerned.

The thoughts could only be described as 9000% and completely negative. I've had thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Before you panic no I don't have a formulated plan and at the moment I don't think I'm at risk for suicide but I do for self-harm. You're welcome to reach out via Twitter DMs or here if you want.

Forming coherent sentences is quite hard and my thoughts drop off after a word or two or a second or two.

I haven't eaten properly for days, a little chocolate and that's it really. Hardly had much water, a few cups in the past day thanks to a headache but that's it.

Sleeping is messed up, going to sleep like 6am and waking up at 5pm. If I didn't have to I'd probably forget to use the bathroom too.

What's worse is the fact I don't care. I don't care that I haven't eaten properly, I don't care if I do. I don't care if I starve to death or dehydrate or well die even.

That's the worst thing about my Depression and why I call it a bitch. I don't care and because I don't care I have no motivation to do anything because while I don't care, it doesn't matter to me at all.

I've also lost interest in everything, I just want to curl into a ball and vanish from the world.

I feel like a useless, waste of space who'd be better off dead. I feel like a complete and utter failure and I question every choice I've ever made in my life.

I still don't know what to do when I feel like this. All around me is a war zone. I suffer daily from my family and yet I get no understanding from Centrelink as my GP, psychologist and myself bang our heads against the wall over and over at the idiotic decisions from Centrelink.

At this point they're actively harming my recovery but they don't care. No one seems to care. Unfortunately I walk through this world alone. I am the only one who cares about me. I have to do the impossible every day just to prove my right to exist.

Honestly after a while, you stop wanting to live and just wish you were dead. You can only drag the giant boulder along for so long before you just want to give up.

Well that's where I'm at. I'm ready to give up. I'm tired and sad and in pain all the time. I live my life in fear of my own family. I want to change things but no matter which way I turn, the system is designed so I can't escape.

Maybe I would be better if I just vanished from everything? Maybe things would be better if I died?

Honestly, it's all to much for me and I don't know if I can find the strength to keep going anymore.

#blog #depression #thoughts #depressive thoughts #self harm #mood #feelings #pain #suicide #suffering #centrelink #hopelessness #hopeless #disassociation

[firedingo]

GM48, Round 28 - Game Jam #2 & What I learned

So GM48 happened from October 20th-22nd 2018. I decided to have a crack. It alas didn’t go as planned but I learned heaps.

So theme was companion. To say I was lacking ideas this time is an understatement. For whatever reason though, the idea of a ghost companion that could fly stuck with me, so I ran with it.

I began by writing up some movement code. This time I flew through it. Instead of panicking, I was able to focus and just relax and laugh at my mistakes.

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053450570596372480

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053453904535384066

The first time I participated in a game jam, I started with the art thinking that’ll be the easiest thing for me to get done first.....yes and no is the answer to that.

I’m brilliant at still images, not so at animating. I quickly got bogged down on the player. I was however mindful of time and eventually moved on. I dove in and then had a crack at movement code. First time around I stumbled, uncertain of the correct syntax and **CONSTANTLY **having to reference resources including YouTube videos.

As a result I think it took a good 3 hours to do movement code. With 48 hours, reasonably you should get at least 6 hours a night of sleep so 12 hours of sleep across the jam, Add a few more for eating and realistically, you have somewhere around 32-37 hours to actually make it all come together.

Lots of people suggest to try and make the game as close to done as possible in 24 hours which allows 8-13 hours for polish and bug fixing. I would say that’s probably reasonable. It also helps to counter the biggest issue lots of people face which is overscope.

I went in mindful of overscope my first time and basically tried to compress an adventure game into 3-4 rooms. Not bad, except I overscoped for my skill level. As I said I can’t animate well yet and I suck at music.

I think this time around I scoped more reasonably for my own skill level + the time. So first time I took perhaps 3 hours to make movement happen, this time I think I flew through movement in an hour or just a touch over.

I was over the moon with how well I’d put movement together.

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053455339339755522

Next I turned my attention to the companion. I’d decided to placeholder the graphics till later this time. Companion didn't go so well. By this time it was lunch time for me so I decided to take a break. One of the best things I ever did was make sure I pre-planned meals for the time.

Lesson: Pre-plan meals or pre-cook meals so you maximise the time spent jamming while still taking care of your bodily needs! :)

I’d definitely recommend people planning to have a go at a game jam plan their meals. The break if nothing else helps the brain reset and improves your efficiency and working capacity.

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053497260674187264

After lunch I came back and had a crack at the companion again. I started by asking Google. That lead me to a forum post which in turn pointed me to a function. I checked the function in the Gamemaker help manual and found it was exactly what I was looking for. So I coded it up and was pleasantly surprised when it behaved EXACTLY like I wanted :D

Lesson: Google is your friend

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053509132777451520

So I was off to a good start after lunch. I slowed down then though as I struggled to work out what I wanted to do next. I ended up wasting several hours just trying to figure out what next without overscoping too much.

Before I knew it, it was 6pm and my brain was going “POLITICS! POLITICS! POLITICS! POLITICS!”

That was the night of the Wentworth by-election. A by-election is a special election held between general elections when the electorate’s member is otherwise unable to represent them and a new rep needs to be elected.

I was particularly excited as it had the potential to remove the majority the Morrison Government had. People were just getting comfy all around the nation when 1 hour and 18 minutes after the polls closed it was called. That’s the point I should have focused on the game again but I got bogged down watching more and well wasted several hours.

Lesson: Set an alarm and make sure you can account for your own bad habits(namely distraction in my case :P).

So by 9pm, 10 hours into the jam I finally switched my attention back to my project and off politics. I meandered about doing small things but ultimately nothing huge in the game before heading off to bed perhaps 4 hours later.

I slept I think a good 10 hours which I was not impressed with myself for. I’d even set an alarm and that had still failed me.

Once I got up I got back into it reasonably quickly. Unfortunately I was still floundering about a bit. At this point I was starting to feel overwhelmed which in turn was making me anxious or making me panic.

I’d settled on a single core mechanic to incorporate the theme “Companion”.

Lesson: Triple Plan things and Don't box yourself into a corner

So I began trying to incorporate this mechanic into my game and I was stuck because it didn’t seem to work despite logically making sense.

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053832836405325824

I spent hours bashing it. I think I spent the majority of Day 2 for me plus several hours of day 1 trying to figure out why the hell it wasn’t working and to say I cracked and lost it from the stress is an understatement. At one point I just had to go curl up and have a cry.

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053937560324435971

If I’d had a backup plan or really any number of alternatives I might have felt less like it was an impossible task. Eventually I conceded that was it for my run in this game jam.

And then late that night, with 12 hours to go, I found the answer and you would not believe how much I was kicking myself for it.

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053980024833945605

Ultimately this is what I ended up with

https://twitter.com/Firedingo/status/1053983211263451136

I however learned so much from this attempt even if I didn’t submit anything.

I learned how to scope better

I learned better time management

I learned that planning really does pay off and you shouldn’t skip it

I learned themove_towards_point() function

I learned how to set out my code better, including remembering comments

I learned not to have redundant code

I also learned to check if sections of code are competing against each other.

I learned how to do a pop up prompt

I also learned I need to read up more on the draw event in Gamemaker

I learned I should trust my gut

I also learned Extra Credits is so right that a person shouldn’t spend more than an hour trying to solve their problem by themselves because the moment I shared my code I began getting replies which helped me jump to the answer

I would ultimately say this game jam attempt was a success because I learned so much. I also learned I need to be more adaptable to problems so I can avoid this problem happening again.

I still intend to finish the game. With no tight deadline, I can take some time and not stress so much :P

So yeah.......Ok I suck at knowing how to end blog posts so here have a cool pixel art picture I like :P

#gm48 #gamemaker #blog #game jam #pixel art #code #gml #lessons #politics #reflection

[firedingo]

What it’s like as an intelligent, depressed person on welfare

So as you might know if you follow this blog, I have Depression. I’ve had it since I was 15 or so. It’s hard to say when these things start. All you know is you wake up one day and realise it or realise something’s not right. In my case I realised something wasn’t right when I was 17 or 18 but on reflection realise I’d been dealing with it for much longer.

I’ll be 27 in 11 days time....gee how time flies. Surprised how fast my birthday has come. That means I’ve had Depression for a bit over a decade. While that hasn’t changed, my understanding has changed.

I’ve done a lot of work to peel back the layers and understand why I’m depressed, how I got depressed and what I can do to stop being depressed.

I’ve realised my own flawed view of myself needed work. A view that was built by those around me and the comments they said. My internal dialog has needed challenging over time.

As I began getting a handle on that I began to realise exactly how much of an impact my family has had also. With some help from friends who were able to provide insight that I couldn’t see, I realised the major factor continuing my Depression was my family.

So I began trying to make plans to put some distance between us, such as getting my own place. Then I realised how expensive renting is and how little Newstart and Youth Allowance are. The plans are still a work in progress, especially with circumstances likely to change in the next 12 months for me.

So through all this I’ve tried to keep busy. Initially as a distraction to stop myself focusing on and acting on my self-harm and suicidal thoughts. But over time with the support of friends it turned into skill development. I went from wanting to be a programmer to knowing I want to be a game developer.

I recently participated in my first ever game jam and learned so much about myself in the process. I learned where to focus my attention and what skills I needed to improve.

The main character of my game jam entry

A short video showcasing what I ended up with for my submission for my first ever game jam, GM48.

An 8x8 coin I made recently

An 8x8 apple I made recently

It may not be much but creating things means setting a goal and achieving it. It means for a moment I have the power and control that I feel I lack so much in my life. I’ve found the more I pursue my pixel art skills, animation skills, coding skills and try and create things, the more I feel better.

In between all this I’m still trying to deal with my depression and my government. As far as the depression goes, I can deal with the psychological side effects but not the physical ones.

I still feel tired, I still have trouble concentrating from time to time, motivation is still an issue, sleep is still terrible and appetite, more like what appetite.

And as for the government, one word can sum them up(two words if you include the morons in the house who just spent the last week squabbling amongst themselves to decide who gets to be king), stress!

Every few months I become a wreck. The stress wears me down to the point the thoughts of self-harm and suicide return. I have to actively consider whether a stay in a psychiatric ward is warranted. Mainly because I’m not sure if I can guarantee my safety.

All the while I’m doing my best to satisfy my job active provider, even if they are a disability provider. I spoke with the lady who does employment capacity assessments this week. She basically told me a disability provider is suppose to support a job seeker once they’ve been assessed. Support is not what I’ve experienced. I have had 4 different case managers, each time a new one was assigned the plan changed. I’ve been threatened repeatedly with payment suspension for “not meeting my requirements” when I’ve tried to do everything possible. As far as job seeking goes, I have looked, not applied because various reasons, usually because the job was overseas, sometimes because I didn’t meet the requirements.

Recently my case manager advised me to get a medical certificate to suspend my requirements for a bit. It took nearly a month of getting run around by Centrelink to finally get somewhere and it took seeing the employment capacity assessor to get it sorted.

Whenever I talk to someone at Centrelink I come out feeling like they’ve judged me for the worse. I feel like internally they’re saying “What is she doing saying she’s depressed? She doesn’t look depressed”. I feel like whenever I talk to them they think it’s like a cold or a broken leg and it has a fixed date where it will get better. They seem to not get it when I say it’s hard to say because I might get better in the future or I might not. That it’s like being on a rollercoaster with constant ups and downs.

So I come out of there feeling guilty for being depressed. I feel guilty for saying I need time, I need help. Whenever I talk to psychologists, they always comment how smart, how intelligent I am, they always comment about the potential I have. I always come out of those appointments feeling better, feeling motivated.

Whenever I hear politicians talk about their “plans” to crack down on “welfare bludgers” I get apprehensive for what it will mean. Whenever the media runs a story on the government plans or claims of “bludgers” the comments my family makes just make me feel guilty even more.

They say things like “Good. I don’t want no job seeker spending my tax money on drugs” or “They should be forced to work for the benefit, it’s not a free hand out”. Even when I try and give examples to say it’s not as black and white as they think, they just rebuff me.

So I feel guilty for being depressed, I feel guilty for claiming newstart, I feel guilty for having to be listed as having depression. The guilt eats away at you too. As my depression gets worse, I sometimes consider if it would just be better if I stopped claiming newstart entirely. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I just hopped into my car and drove away. Just vanished from everyone and everything.

Running is my default response to stress and pain that I can’t handle. When I feel overwhelmed I want to run. The fact dealing with my own government and family triggers this only confirms to me that both are contributing factors to my depression.

I’m a logical person mostly, so I know running isn’t a smart or valid option. So I try to persist, I try to make positive choices, try to fix problems and generally improve my life.

Part of that means generating an income for myself and moving into my own place. As far as getting an income goes, I have the skills and tools, I just lack the experience. Making a game and selling it doesn’t happen overnight unfortunately. If I had my way I’d plow in full-time to game development. As for getting my own place, I can JUST afford the cheapest rentals on the market on newstart + rent assistance. If however I do go back to finish my final year on my bachelor on information technology, then the only way to not also get slugged with job seeking requirements would be to study full-time which would automatically move me to Austudy. I’ve run the numbers on Austudy and there’s definitely no way to afford rent here on it, even with rent assistance.

On top of that is the fact anything higher than a diploma, no matter how short doesn’t count on newstart. So I’m left in a bind. Do I stay at home and endure my family and their contribution to my depression while I try to finish my degree off or do I settle for no degree but move out while trying to make a saleable game?

Ideally I wouldn’t have to choose, ideally I wouldn’t feel guilty for asking for help nor admitting I have Depression yet I do have to choose, I do feel guilty because of the things the Australian Government says and I do have to admit I have Depression because burying it doesn’t help anyone, least of all me!

I often wonder if I’m the only one who feels guilty, who feels judged for the choices they’ve made but I don’t have to look far to know I’m not the only one. The Australian Government, especially some politicians make you guilty and ashamed to be unemployed, to be unwell, to need help. They think it’s so easy like you click your fingers and now you have a job and you’re all better but truth is it isn’t that easy.

#depression #game development #politics #centrelink #newstart #welfare #austudy #youth allowance #guilt #shame #mental health #family

[firedingo]

#GM48, Round 27

So I’ve just come out the other side of my first game jam. 48 hours is both long and short at the same time. At the beginning it felt like I was constantly behind the 8-ball and no amount of speed was quick enough. Towards the end I was so worn out and the fact I realised I wouldn’t have a complete game meant I wasn’t rushing like a headless chook so much. So time almost felt like it was dragging by. It didn’t help that when I finally went to bed it was a good 4 or 430 in the morning with about 4 hours to go till the end of the jam.

When I started, I went ok so what notes did I write myself beforehand to help me get thinking in the right direction regarding the theme. The theme was “Countdown” my notes told me literally anything could go. The downside to such an open theme.

So I spent about 30-40 minutes thinking. I literally when tails = males, heads = females and flipped a coin 3 times for the gender of my character lol. Our coins here have the Queen of England on one side and some form of coat on the other side. So we call the Queen’s head the head side and the other side tails. I got 2 heads and 1 tails so female it was.

Initially I settled on the idea of an evil wizard who casts a spell and when the timer hits 0 something changes. The initial thought was changing the controls, changing gravity and perhaps something else. After talking with mDiyo, I changed it to just screwing with gravity/jumping.

Going in I realised I should aim to get it complete by the end of Day 1 which was Saturday for me. I spent the first hour to 2 getting the main character done. Then I started on tiles for the ground. I flew through them. The practice I’d done previously really paid off. Most of the time I spent on finding the right colours lol.

Once I had that done, I jumped in to GameMaker and started creating my level. In my mind I had a vision, keep it small, iterate lots and test lots. If I found I had spare time at the end I could continue adding. Unfortunately, it took me nearly 45 minutes to get some movement going.

When it came down to it, I just couldn’t seem to get into the groove and remember the GML code I needed. It wasn’t helped either that I began panicking and feeling overwhelmed multiple times. Once again I’m grateful mDiyo was around. He helped me calm myself enough to stay on task. I’m not sure I would have created anything without his support.

Periodically I was sharing builds with mDiyo and getting feedback throughout. I ended up with 7 builds overall. So getting some progress based screenshots will be easier. Within a few hours I had this much progress.

After this I decided to break for lunch. I had a spinach, mango and avocado salad with cooked salmon. Turned out like a piece of art if you ask me. First time preparing that recipe and I was so in love with it after eating it :D

Yes I like tweeting out food pictures :P

After that I began working on a tree to make the area feel more nature/foresty. The tiles weren’t enough by themselves I thought. After doing the tree I added a rock in front on a new layer so I could add a bit of variety. The same tree gets boring after a while :P

By this stage it was nearly dinner time so I had the same as I did for lunch since I had extra salmon and avocado and mango.

I got a bit fancy with the tree to the right of my character here, I created a part trunk to extend the tree down and allow it to be straddled over 2 different height blocks. Trees don’t just avoid growing on hills because they’re on a slope :P

After that I began thinking ok so I know I want a few areas since they’ll be fairly short areas. At this point I was freezing so I went and took a hot shower. It totally hit me in the shower.....HEAT!

I realised if I staggered the transition from nice forest to evil tower zone with a desert then it would make a bit more sense. Especially since I decided to ad lava to the final area. For some reason lava = evil dude to me lol

So I got to work on a sand tile. I’ve never done sand before so I hit up google to get some examples for inspiration. I thought it came out alright. Again like the forest, I felt like the sand was too bare without anything on it so I created a cactus and put it on top. I thought I did a pretty good job for my first ever cactus too. Again I asked google for examples to help inspire me.

I created my final area too but forgot to make the camera focus on the player so every time I tried to visit the final area, this is all I saw lol

I’d also been working on a transition system but while I could room swap, I couldn’t get fading working and I couldn’t get the player to spawn in the correct position either. I’m quite bummed I didn’t get that done.

By this stage it was late at night and I was about ready to call it on Day 1 for me. One of the pieces of advice I’d seen from other people in the week prior was to ensure you got some sleep because otherwise you’d regret it. I’m glad I took that advice on board.

So I woke up on Day 2, my body groaned at the idea of having to do stuff. I badly just wanted to sleep for another 8-12 hours. I woke up about 23 hours after the jam had started which was about 9am my time(AEST).

It took some effort but I hauled my butt out and into the kitchen where I started preparing a cup of tea and some breakfast. I’d left off after trying to animate some lava the night before.

So while I ate breakfast I picked away at messing with some more animations and stuff. Within a few hours I had most of my art done after much of the work I’d done the day before. By this stage I’d also worked out what I’d forgotten to do and fixed up the camera following in my final area.

So mostly I spent my second day trying to code stuff. My systems rapidly shot up from 1 to 7. I went from movement to:

Movement

Transitions

Death/Game End

Restart Ability

Menu

Timer

Sound

Some of these systems were a lot more limited than others. I ended up having a lot fo difficulty getting the id of the button object on the main menu and eventually just made 3 button objects since I was determined to make the main menu work. I spent an inordinately large amount of time getting the menu right.

It was about here I started adding an onscreen GUI. The intention was to have each area be slightly tougher than the last with a max level cap of level 5 for Meridia. The idea was that you’d need to be a few levels along to beat the evil wizard, combined with the timer mechanic, you might decide to go jump some lava and fall in because the jump suddenly vanished, reflecting an increase in gravity. It took me a bit to find the right level of contrast for the GUI. It didn’t help that I kept spelling a variable as toalXP when I’d initially declared it as totalXP. Reminds me of the time in uni when I’d declared a variable as count but kept writing cunt lol. Of course at that time the compile would complain drawing my attention to it.

By about mid-afternoon I just needed a break desperately so I went up to see our hens. I’ve taken a great liking to one of the 2 white girls we have. Both are sisters and came from my uncle’s place and were quite flightly and not easy to handle. Now they’re both a lot better. They still don’t like being held all the time but they’re not so flightly and the white girl I think is sweet because she just relaxes and chills in my arms and so I can pick her up, give her a gentle pat and put her down without problems. Her sister will flap and bite if she disagrees with your action. The three brown girls we have come from a commercial business and were far easier to handle from day 1 which isn’t surprising.

After that my neighbours who were on holiday came home as well and since I had to stop water spewing from a couple of burst pipes while they were away, they asked me to explain again where I’d seen the water so their father/husband could fix it. He’s like a build in tradesman of all trades I swear. He seems to be able to do everything. So yeah by the time I got back to my game a few hours had slipped by.

By this stage I was very much ready to have a rest. I kept pushing forward to get my game as complete as I could. That’s easier said than done when there is distracting noise in the same room.

I tried to ensure each area had at least one unique enemy to it. I eventually settled on snakes for the forest. I think I did a not too bad snake for my first time. I tried to animate what I could but sometimes I just found it too hard. Clearly my animation skills need a lot more work.

I did my best to implement the timer about now too since the rules said the theme had to be included.

I settled on the slime for the final area, a mummy for the second area and the snakes for the first area.

I also went to freesounds.org and grabbed a creative commons licensed piece since I thought some sound was better than no sound. I went to inordinately large amounts of effort to give people credit too.

I also spent a bit of time creating a background. I think I did a not bad job for my first ever attempts at clouds.

By 4-430am I was pooped and when I laid down in bed and closed my eyes, everything began spinning which told me exactly how tired I was.

I’d also spent some time putting together some promotional items and writing up a draft submission. I was pleasantly surprised when I discovered that the system will convert all valid drafts to actual submissions when the jam time was up. I wasn’t sure I was going to be awake in time to manually submit it myself, and I wasn’t. I woke up an hour after the jam finished.

What I learned was more about myself than GameMaker, which surprised me.

I learned that I panic and will forget what to do in that panic. I learned that my coding skills still need some improvement and my animation skills badly need work. Management and planning wasn’t bad. Room for improvement but not entirely bad. Scoping was probably a bit overly ambitious.

Overall, I don’t regret it one bit. There’s things I’d change if I had the chance over again but I’d absolutely participate again.

Having planned meals that were relatively easy to make(salad + salmon and tacos for day 2) really helped along with making sure I had water and plenty of sleep. It definitely helped take some of the pressure off.

I’d offer that as advice to anyone else considering participating and I’d definitely recommend they have a crack if they’re interested.

If you’d like to have a look at my game and better yet offer me some feedback, here’s my submission: https://gm48.net/game/933/the-adventures-of-meridia

#gamemaker #gm48 #game jam #game development #pixel art #art #8 bit music

[firedingo]

Depression, Control & Well being - How all 3 interact

Depression....I often talk about how it makes me feel or affects me. I haven’t really talked about the things I’ve learned from it though.

Depression is insidious. I pride myself on the logical view that I see the world through. I’ll run a rough guess at odds of something happening in my head often. Sometimes I’m way off, other times bang on.

I remember doing a certificate 4 in IT at my local TAFE many years ago. We were installing operating systems and configuring them. I’d just tested 3 of 6 ports on the computer to find they hadn’t worked. I remember saying I bet port 4 doesn’t work.

Internally I’d gone well 3 of 6 have failed to work so that’s 50% failure, plus that’s the experience thus far. On top of that all the ports were connected to the same motherboard so it was an easy bet to assume if more than one is dodgy then so are the rest.

Of course this elicited a response from my teacher to stop being so pessimistic. Not 2 minutes later I tested port 4 and lo and behold I was right. About a minute later a fellow classmate managed to remove one of the removable hard drives of his system while the system was on and booted into the OS. Good job genius I thought lol.

That’s just one example of when I run an odds calculation in my head. I do it for almost everything. As part of that I’ve learned that I can then prepare for every possible scenario and not be caught off guard.

That sense of control I’ve discovered is so powerful. Despite being as logical as I am, it’s STILL hard to convince myself that what my Depression is making me think is wrong. I can think everything is pointless and worthless, logically I know that’s wrong but emotionally I feel like it’s true and with my depression in the driver’s seat, logic doesn’t get a look in.

With a little bit of control, I can carve out a small piece of meaning for myself. Suddenly not everything is meaningless and I have something of value to me. That in itself then provides me with an anchor to life.

Studies have found that workers with less stress but no control are more at risk for mental health issues than workers with more stress but also more control. My own experience would confirm this.

One of the big limiting factors in my life is money. Currently I’m on the unemployment benefit called Newstart. That’s $545 a fortnight or $38.93 per day. Not exactly great is it?

I know there are so many things I could do to help myself but I choose not to because I can’t afford it. For example, exercise is a great treatment for depression. I know I’m not very social and not very good at consistency so I’d be most inclined to book a one on one appointment with an exercise physiologist. The biggest problem there is that costs $80 a session. So that’s 2 days worth of the newstart payment.

When housing is probably eating 50-80% before anything else, how are people suppose to consider doing anything like this? While I don’t pay rent currently, I’m not bill free. I have lots of things that still need my attention, mobile, car, insurance, food etc.

I also periodically buy new tools to help me develop my skills such as buying a copy of Aseprite for my pixel art skills. I try to buy legitimate copies of software I use instead of pirating it. Yes I freely admit I do pirate stuff. Being poor is one of many reasons why I do.

Just because I pirate something doesn’t mean I won’t eventually buy a legit copy. I do but it can be many many years before I do because of the cost.

With the Newstart payment being so low, it effectively robs me of a lot of control over my life and in turn my ability to improve my health. Of course convincing the government poor people actually need help is hard in this country since poor people are just another political football to be kicked around by the major parties here as far as they’re concerned.

My family is also a major issue for me. They’re like carrying a giant ball of stress attached to my ankles around with me. The obvious solution is to move out, I know that. The hardest thing is the fact I’d be paying 50-80% on rent, probably in something the size of a shoe box with not much left over for the other things that I would need to do.

I’m not asking for much, god only knows I learned how to live in a uni dorm room(minus kitchen and bathroom). And that was on Youth Allowance at an even lower rate(Thank god for rent assistance helping me out here). But I’d like to be able to make the move knowing I’m not on a wire’s edge from falling into homelessness.

So once again the low rate of my Newstart payment takes a large chunk of control from me and my ability to make positive choices to improve my wellbeing and health.

If I had more money I can tell you now exactly what I would spend it on. I would start by getting a rental place(most likely private because good luck getting social with a 10 year wait where I am).

I’d also spend some on appointments at least once a week with an exercise physiologist. I’d also spend some on buying more and better quality food. I limit myself to about $5-$7 a day for food because any more than that and I don’t have enough to cover everything else.

I’d also very much buy the new version of Gamemaker Studio to improve my development tools. My dream would be to create a game development studio in regional NSW that can provide work experience and experience based placements to regional kids.

Not only do we not have any tech industries out here, getting experience is so crucial to getting a foot in the door and it would be better than having to go to Sydney for that experience. On top of that, I want to help drive growth, jobs and development in my region.

One of the things I really loved when I was at uni was having a get to know different tech companies day and one of the companies that came was a local one from my hometown no less. They created a virtual reality creation of the solar system which was easily the highlight of the whole event.

To know that they existed in my region inspired me and reaffirmed in me that I want to provide opportunities to kids in my region just as I had been able to experience that from a local company.

And is that not the ultimate goal of government’s? To help people off welfare into work so that they can create jobs which in turn employ more people who in turn don’t claim welfare?

Of course this current government Australia has believes that if you’re tough enough, hard enough, mean enough, the jobs will just appear and people will get off welfare. Just as you can’t force an addict to get clean unless they want to, you can’t force jobs to appear unless you invest in them.

Friend have encouraged me to pursue my dream in spite of all the challenges I face. So I have been developing my art skills through pixel art and my development skills through lots of mini projects. Earlier today I create a new grass and dirt tile which was 8 pixels by 8 pixels or 8x8. Afterwards a friend was telling me how much he really liked it so I created a compilation of every grass and dirt practice I’ve done int he past and it’s really quite amazing how far I’ve come.

It’s really amazing how far I’ve come. Especially when you realise this was the first thing I had tried to make, a platform that looked like a chocolate chip cookie :P

I have carved out meaning in my life through my pixel art and game development skills. I always wanted to go into IT, but it wasn’t until recently I realise game development is where I should be. The two things I love doing the most are helping people and creating things. While it doesn’t exactly help people, it doesn’t mean that in the future it can’t either. My work does bring smiles to the faces of my friends and that makes it totally worth it. I feel good in myself when I see them happy, smiling and appreciating my work.

That positivity helps me so much when it comes to my depression and mental health. Imagine what I could do if they raised the rate? By now you’re probably thinking what can I do? Well for one if you’re Australian you can contact your local member and Senators and tell them you want to see them raise the rate. If you’re not Australian, you can still write a letter to the two leaders of our major parties and express your views to them and explain you have Australian friends.

Beyond that, all I ask is if you like my work, I’d appreciate some feedback. Feedback is one of the key ways I learn to improve :)

To Find your Local Member: https://www.aph.gov.au/Senators_and_Members/Members

To find your state Senators: https://www.aph.gov.au/Senators_and_Members/Senators

The Prime Minister’s Contact Details:

Malcolm Turnbull - Leader of The Liberal Party

Postal Address:

PO Box 545 Edgecliff, NSW, 2027

Phone:

 [phone] - (+61 For Australia If you’re outside Australia)

https://www.aph.gov.au/Senators_and_Members/Parliamentarian?MPID=885

The Opposition Leader’s Contact Details:

Bill Shorten - Leader Of The Labor Party

Postal Address:

PO Box 214 Moonee Ponds, VIC, 3039

Phone:

[phone] - (+61 For Australia If you’re outside Australia)

https://www.aph.gov.au/Senators_and_Members/Parliamentarian?MPID=00ATG

#raise the rate #politics #depression #mental health #control #newstart #centrelink #rent assistance #youth allowance #pixel art #gamemaker #game development #blog

[firedingo]

Welcome Back My “Old Friend” Depression

Depression.....It’s sometimes hard to recognize the signs. Even after a decade of suffering I still sometimes find it hard to identify the signs. It doesn’t help that over time the signs have changed.

Still there are common things that I experience as my depression begins to settle in once again.

An overwhelming sense of futility

An overwhelming sense that everything is too much

An overwhelming sense that I feel completely empty of energy

It feels like there is a weight on my shoulders and in my heart and lungs

A disinterest in all things(I can be so animated and clearly passionate about some things)

Fatigue and tiredness

Reduction in my already reduced eating(from 1 - 2 meals a day to 0-1 meals)

Crying

Negative thoughts

Foggy mind

Desire to sleep

Thoughts of Self-Harm and Suicide

Nihilistic thoughts

Withdrawn

Quiet

Darker overtones in the things I say and do.

Disassociation

It’s not an exhaustive list but those are generally the main signs I experience.

I don’t always convey through what I say online how much I am suffering and spiraling downwards. Thanks to my family I’ve learned to be a master of two faces.

Right now my mind is fogging up. Thinking is harder than normal. The music  have playing is more background noise than anything else. Inside I feel this all consuming sense of flatness. A sense that I’m falling, uninterested, overwhelmed a bit, worried, tired and some negative thoughts have appeared.

I fully expect things to get much worse over the next few days. I fully expect my sleep to go haywire as well. I’ve felt my I guess level of insomnia if you will rising over the past week or so. Each night it gets increasingly more difficult to fall asleep compared to the previous night. I may end up not sleeping for days if I’m particularly unlucky.

Today’s meeting with my 4th jobactive case manager didn’t much help either. I can fully see me saying sorry I can’t come in today because I’m isolating in my bedroom to protect myself and reduce the risk of me trying to kill myself.

Earlier I thought, what’s the point anymore? I should just walk away. Stop being me, stop being here. Just get in my car and drive away for good. Just vanish.

The fact I’m having thoughts like that only indicate further to me how exactly overwhelmed I feel. I admit thoughts of self-harming did briefly cross my mind though I’m pretty sure there’s not much risk of that.......yet.......at least.

I started learning about the Unity Game Engine in the last 48 hours. It has provided me with a good distraction but that will only last for as long as I can keep myself working. Once my mind becomes too foggy to think, working will become all but impossible. Heck when my mind becomes that foggy I find it difficult to even prepare food for myself.

When things get particularly bad that’s when I disassociate. I never realised I was doing it either until recently. For all intents and purposes my body continues moving through the motions of life but there’s no soul, no personality behind the body. When I come back to my body I just have a long blank in my memory or a very very fuzzy memory with barely more than a snippet of a moment to recall.

It starts out with me being spacey and not really in-touch with reality, then it moves to a full blackout. I already feel like I’m floaty and a bit foggy. Both signs that herald my depression returning and possibly me disassociating down the track.

Sitting here my brain is starting to show me images of me hurting myself. Stepping in front of a car, hanging, bleeding out, banging my head against a wall, jumping from a tall structure. Despite my attempts to shake the thoughts out of my head they persist.

I suppose it’s still better than when I was hearing voices wish harm on me in the past. I’m still not convinced those voices were fake either. I should add I hallucinated spiders running out of my hair and on my bed the other day. Scared the fucking shit out of me(arachnophobia).

I’m not really sure what to say now. My mind is quite foggy and thinking is much harder. I did decide to share with you what I have in Unity so far. It’s just one of the tutorial levels and it’s pretty simple but it is technically the first thing I’ve ever actually coded myself in Unity(even if the coding involved coping the tutorial).

I got convinced by mDiyo to try out Unity after having some weirdness happen in Gamemaker Studio 1.4 whereby I ended up with magical code. It’s been a good learning experience over the past few days, even if I had to fight with Microsoft twice no less to not have em fill my nearly full SSD to max. I need to get a larger SSD. Been putting it off after spending nearly $1000 on emergency curveballs in the last month like $159 for a new battery for my car.

I feel like I should say more and do more but I don’t really know what. I suppose at this point you’d probably call this rambling. My twitter DMs are open and you don’t have to follow me to send me one so if you feel the need to reach out, don’t hesitate. I’ll try to respond ASAP.

Oh and here’s the last screenshot I took of Asteroids - Reimagined that I was working on that well worked. I’d just got health working. I’m thinking I need to rip the guts out of it and rewrite a bunch of it to try and make things better. Oh and I fixed the rendering order right after I took this so all the UI elements appear on top of everything. Feel free to give me any feedback you have on this.

#game development #asteroids #roll-a-ball #depression #unity3d #gamemaker #suicid #self-harm #disassociation #thoughts #jobactive #centrelink #blog

[firedingo]

A Blog Of Thoughts, Feelings & Questions

So I’m not sure what to write about exactly. I feel like writing but I’m not sure about what. So I apologize in advance if this post is kinda rambly.

Right now I have this feeling in me. It’s a feeling of weight. It.....It feels like I need to write, it feels like I need to create....like I need to express myself.

At the same time it feels like exhaustion, tiredness, sadness, heavy, cold, dark. I’m not really sure how to describe this feeling other than with single words. If you have any feedback or thoughts or comments on this feeling I’d like to hear it.

Lately I’ve been writing up a recreation of asteroids for my own benefit. A project for experience and learning. The finished game will make a good addition to any project folder I show potential employers.

I should be working more on it right now but while I feel like working on it, I can’t get past the need to write at the moment too.

I....my mind is numb and blank. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep. My mood is flat and I feel disconnected from things.

I had a pretty good sleep last night and I’ve had something to eat since waking up so neither of those should be an issue. I have some music playing as I write this and I feel like I could curl up and go to sleep with it playing in my ears.

I seem to form about half a sentence in my mind before my brain and its attention seems to drop off. Everything feels like an effort to me.

When I first woke up I felt good. A little sore from slightly oversleeping and confused at the weird dream I’d just had but otherwise good. I got up and made food but since then everything seems to have gone on a slide downhill for me and now I can‘t explain what I’m feeling.

I would perhaps describe some of me as feeling a bit floaty too. It feels like my heart and lungs are made of lead but the rest of me feel as light as a hot air balloon.

I’m not sure what else to say.....I guess I will leave it here for now. I guess this is a shorter post than I normally would have. Oh also if you want to offer feedback on my asteroids project, I’ll happily take it. Eventually I want anyone to be able to play it and give me feedback so I can learn, develop and improve my skills, experience and knowledge.

#thoughts #feelings #blog #understanding #asteroids #game development #feedback

[firedingo]

Living In A Regional City

So as readers of this blog, I’m sure I’ve mentioned to you before that I have sleep issues. I certainly know I’ve said it to a lot of different people in the past before though.

Namely, I have trouble falling asleep at night and each night I seem to get tired later and later, resulting in my sleep times and wake times gradually sliding forward until I’ve moved through an entire 24 hour period. To say that sucks is an understatement.

There’s generally two ways in which sleep issues are corrected. One is to supply a person with melatonin which they take just before bed to help regulate the hour at which they grow sleepy enough to well go to sleep.

The other is to be exposed to bright light in the early morning, not long after a person has woken up. That’s designed to decrease melatonin production in the brain and increase a person’s sense of wakefulness as well as helping to regulate wake times.

Combined, they make a fairly effective treatment to a lot of sleep issues.

Unlike in America though, Melatonin is only available through a doctor’s perscription and often for no more than 3 months at a time. Kinda sucks if you ask me.

So this morning I came and sat out the back on our steps and soaked in the warm sun. Partly to wake up and partly to warm up since the winter chill finally arrived. Having had a heatwave in Autumn that could rival Summer meant when the cold finally got here it was quite the shock to my system.

So now I finally get to the point of the post :P

I was sitting here in the sun listening to the noise around me and I started reflecting on my childhood, often the sounds I’d hear before going to school followed by the sounds I’d hear throughout the day to mark the passing of time.

It got me thinking I should write a post about what living in a regional city is like.

So, Imagine a morning where the air is chilly but the sun is toasty warm. There’s a light and gentle breeze through the air blowing on and off. You can see the trees move slightly to it before settling again.

All around you you can hear noise happening. From the early hours of the morning you could hear the steady increase of noise. Over night it was dead quiet but from about 6am the noise began increasing.

First it was the delivery trucks rolling into town from Sydney. They’d driven all night to make it here for the morning. Fuel trucks, food trucks, milk trucks, grocery trucks. They come rumbling down the main road, squeaking any time they have to break.

Next you heard the low deep rumbling grunt of a garbage truck as it comes by to pick up the garbage. One comes, then a little while later another comes and finally the third comes a bit further along. One picks up the landfill waste, another picks up recycling and a third picks up compostable waste.

Then you begin to hear the chirps of birds around you. First a few, then more. The tell-tale signs of the smaller birds waking up first followed by the larger birds. Slowly the light increase, sneaking ever more through the cracks around the curtains.

Then begins the low thrum as workers begin driving to work. Miners leave early to start their shift, hospital workers are both leaving from night shift and going to their morning shifts. Retail workers start moving off. Cafe and bakery workers first, followed by supermarket workers and other retail workers, then business people.

Then parents begin to wake and prepare their kids for school. By now the world is full of noise as people bustle about on their way to wherever. It’s almost like the world reaches a crescendo by about 9.30am by which time most kids have gone to school.

And then the noise drops a bit. Until about 11am the noise continues dying down to a low thrum as you feel the level of traffic reduce. People move around doing what they need to but it’s almost like a quiet calm has settle over the town.

Now we get to the time I’m writing this :P

Around me I hear birds chirping, a lawnmower cutting grass, I hear the long squawks and calls from larger birds communicating long distance. I hear a thrum of traffic rising and lowering as throngs of cars come by and go.

Occassionally I hear a dog bark or a gate close. Sometimes a snippet of voice drifting on the wind or the slam of a door as someone parks on the street out front. Sometimes I hear the whoosh as a larger bird flies overhead only metres away and they jostle the air between us with the flaps of their wings.

At this point I could get in my car and drive anywhere. The cafes would be filled with people eating and drinking, the streets busy with people walking to and from their destinations. I could drive across town in no time at all. It might take me about 30 minutes to drive from one side to the other despite ~45,000 people living here the town is not as big as you might think.

As lunch time arrives the throng of people and cars and the thrum of noise increases as people break for lunch. You can feel another although less intense crescendo build.

And then the afternoon arrives and the world dies down, visibly quieter than the morning, by now most people have headed to work again or back home. A real peaceful calm drops over the town. Still you heard the odd car door close or dog bark but much of the noise has gone away.

This can last for a few hours, at least till school pickup/work knockoff time comes and the thrum increases almost to levels greater than the morning as everyone bustles about doing what they need to that they couldn’t do previously.

The thrum lasts right up to dinner time and then it begins to calm down till the night is once again dead silent.

What I love so much about living in a regional city is that the lifestyle is so much more laid back. I don’t have to rush to get anywhere, there’s no 1000 and 1 steps to plan.

I can hop on my bike or in my car and just go. People will stop and ask if you’re ok if it looks like you might not be. People wave to you and say hello in the street.

There’s a real sense of community here, you may not know everyone but you know someone who knows someone else who knows someone else and everyone is connected some how. You recognise family names because they’ve been big contributors to the community since forever.

You know where all the different age groups go, you know what places are popular and why. There’s a real sense of home.

There’s a sense that the city and the bush have blended together to create an incredible place. The town is large enough that national chains still want to setup here but small enough that you hardly have to go far to find a quiet piece of tranquility and bushland.

I’m sure there’s things people can say about their homes if they grew up in a large metropolitan city or small village or rural property but this is why I love living in a regional city and what it feels like.

If you read this far then thanks :)

It is a kinda large post I know :P

#blog #regional city #lifestyle #thoughts #city #bush #life #birds