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autism-alley · 3 months

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augh found my old post abt pjo and disability from before the show came out but it was on ye olde blog so i’m literally just gonna copy and paste, 3, 2, 1—

ok now that i’ve got it on the brain, i want to talk about disability in pjo and specifically how calling percy jackson dumb or treating him as such is not only a mischaracterization, but ableism. as a quick note, i’m keeping this to just percy to avoid having this already long post be even longer, but there are other disabled characters in pjo worthy of discussion, though i hit many of the same points in this post. i bring up percy specifically because he is mostly the character i have seen people treat as stupid.

percy is a dyslexic teen with ADHD who comes from a low-income family, raised by a single mother, and deals with an abusive step-father. i cannot stress enough how much of his character is shaped by that experience, but as hard as it is to single out any one part, i am going to focus on his ADHD and dyslexia. this kid has nightmares of being forced to take tests in a straightjacket as teachers ask him if he’s stupid and withhold him from recess with his peers. he is constantly labelled as “troubled” and blamed for things he didn’t do or aren’t his fault. he is told, over and over again, even from trusted adults, that he is “not normal” (othering him). he bounces between schools. he struggles to make friends. he deals with bullying. he has difficulty studying and reading, even when invested. teachers struggle to connect with him and tend to just give up on him. these are real disabled experiences, and rick does a good job at presenting them in the pjo books. sometimes, it feels like everything is a struggle. you are living inside a system that not only is restricting, but actively works against and punishes you.

it is here, in camp half-blood, that percy finds a place he belongs, that shows him his worth—finally, somewhere is built to not only include him, but to nurture and genuinely prepare him for the world outside its boarders. however, i think people forget that just because percy functions in the world of CHB and the gods, that does not mean he doesn’t face ableism in the mortal world—and that there is an entire group of people who see ourselves reflected in his character.

i could talk on for hours about how much being disabled shapes percy’s identity and how he interacts with the world—like how percy’s humor revolves around coping with his environment and actually displays a very low self esteem after being looked down upon his entire life. this kid doesn’t even have to say anything and he screams i had a neurodivergent childhood. but about 5-6 years ago, when i was more regularly tuned into the fandom, every time i saw someone call percy jackson dumb or an idiot, even jokingly, i raised an eyebrow, and now that the series is getting fresh coverage from disney+, i have wanted to make this post. so much of this kid’s life and personality comes from being treated like he’s dumb or incapable, so it’s troubling to watch part of the fanbase reflect the harmful parts of this character’s upbringing. i truly hope it does not become common again. it’s also one thing coming from a neurodivergent/disabled person with similar experiences (and even then i personally find it a little uncomfortable), it’s another to be said by a neurotypical/able bodied person.

percy jackson’s experiences make for very important representation, and for people to characterize him as just a goofy, unintelligent guy is not only an insult to his character as a kid who is intelligent, but previously lacked the environment to show it, but also ableist. so in the dawn of the new tv series era, i ask that we cut that shit out. rick riordan did not create rep for neurodivergent and disabled kids for them to be called stupid by the fanbase. even jokingly.

#anyways yea just had 2 bring this post back #in light of the new show i’d say i don’t think rick has made percy just a goofy airhead but #his and all demigods’ disabilities do feel kind of side lined #and it is disappointing #like. percy’s nightmares of school have made me cry. it breaks my heart especially as a ND kid who had similar nightmares #so yes when i see fans just echo the belief he’s been told all his childhood? infuriating #pjo show crit #pjo #percy jackson #percy jackson and the olympians #pjo show #ris raves

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danikore-does-pole · 4 months

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Y’all camp halfblood would be THE place to figure out how much of ADHD and dyslexia are social disabilities or medical disabilities.

For those of you who haven’t stumbled upon the social, medical and combined theory of disability before lemme give you the run down.

The social model says you aren’t actually disabled it’s society that is disabling. If everywhere was wheelchair accessible and designed to be used from a wheelchair would you still be disabled. Same with if the world was designed to minimise sensory overload would you still be disabled by your sensory issues. If everyone was blind the world would be built for blind people so you wouldn’t be disabled if you were blind. Basically the social model says it’s a systemic issue that you’re experiencing rather than your body being the problem.

The medical model of disability says that you are disabled by your body and by treating the symptoms and causes you become less disabled/ able bodied. Here you get things like chronic pain, autoimmune disease, paralysis, brain damage, epilepsy. Things that even in a world built to accommodate you would still probably impact your functioning.

The combined model of disability is the combination of both previous models. You might be disabled by your chronic pain making it hard to leave the house and get things on your to do list done but also by a lack of accessible infrastructure which might force you to push past your limits to get things done and injure yourself in the process. These can be having stairs but no lift, or having to walk further than expected due to inaccessible transportation.

Now back to CHB

Camp halfblood is designed by and for demigods, the majority of which are children with ADHD, dyslexia and probably many other mental health issues. So why would CHB be designed the way the rest of the world is?

Here you can actually work to accommodate campers instead of trying to make them fit within a system. Are new campers given stim toys? Are they encouraged to pace while listening to instructions? Is information given in 3 or 4 different formats to help people remember what they need to do?

While being dyslexic because they’re hardwired to read Ancient Greek instead of English doesn’t sound right (to my knowledge dyslexia applies to all written words and it’s probably that there’s godly magic that gives them this skill that mortals interpret as dyslexia) let’s assume Demigods are born fluent in reading Ancient Greek and find it easier than English, are all the maps, sign posts and pamphlets in Ancient Greek? Why wouldn’t they be if everyone finds it easier?

In a place designed for neurodivergent children what changes? And how different is it to the rest of the world? Are there quiet zones for people who can’t focus with noise? Are there noise zones for people who need music and TV to focus on hard tasks?

In what ways does ADHD still impact campers negatively? The social model suggests that if everyone was disabled no one would be, is that the case? How does executive dysfunction get managed? What about hyper focus? We know Annabeth often forgets to eat when she’s working on a big project, does camps scheduled meal times help with that?

I just have questions about this

#percy jackon and the olympians #camp halfblood #adhd #dyslexia #the social model of disability #the medical model of disability #disability #i have questions about the impact of an ADHD society on ADHDers #please let me know if I got anything wrong

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my-tourettes-journey · 2 years

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neurodiverse in a neurotypical world

i wanted to share this response i wrote to a prompt question in september 2021. i still stand by everything i said and i feel like it's important, so i'm sharing it here.

What do you like about school? What is challenging?

I don’t like school much. In fact, I am very against school in general. But, if I had to choose something I like about school, it would be just getting out of the house. Seeing other people in school is like a break from being stuck inside all week. But, on the other hand, things that are challenging? A lot.

As someone who is neurodivergent, school basically just sucks. It flat out wasn’t built for people whose brains work a different way than most. It feels like it was built for a certain neurotype (which it was, actually), and if you’re not thinking exactly the way they want you to, school will make your life miserable. I’ve been struggling in school since elementary.

The most interesting part is that I had good grades in elementary. What I was struggling with wasn’t visible to the teachers or other students. From their perspective, I would get homework, go home, and turn it in the next day with a full score. But from my perspective, I would get homework, get incredibly anxious about it, go home, work on it for 3-4 hours, possibly cry out of frustration, and then turn it in the next day and hope I got a good score.

I tried to be like everyone else because everyone else seemed like they liked school, and were doing well. It turns out, that was because the school system was built for them.

Now, I have learned that it just wasn’t built for me, and that I have to do things a bit differently. 504s and IEPs help, but it’s still hard. Most of the time in class I find myself worrying about people thinking I’m weird, or that the schoolwork I’m working on isn’t good enough, or that I’m going to turn it in and have done everything wrong because I didn’t understand the instructions. I cannot describe how hard it is for neurodiverse people in a neurotypical-built school.

So, to answer the “what is challenging” question a bit clearer, everything. Everything is challenging.

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #tourettes #autism #actually tourettic #adhd #bpd #tic disorder #dyspraxia #dyslexia #ocd #dyscalculia #sky's old blog

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q-a-a-m · 2 years

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Okay so I'm on the pathway of getting tested for Asperger's and I know it's gonna be a disgustingly long process and what not but I am almost positive that I do have it because well...you'd think so too if you knew me personally. But I typically have trouble with certain environments - as most neurodivergent people do.

I went to this open mic gig with my brother, my dad and his girlfriend (Claire) because one of Claire's kids is going to America for a while, she frequented the place that did these open mic nights. So we went to see her sing and Yadda Yadda Yadda but it was just completely awful.

No one was really paying attention to anyone who was singing, it was way too hot, too much chatter going on and the lights were absolutely fucking awful. So naturally, I zoned out with my earplugs in to keep my sanity.

My dad wasn't particularly enjoying the night either because he was annoyed no one was paying attention and he had an entire rant about it to me and my brother while on the drive back home, it was quite amusing. But I was zoned out so hard that I totally forgot where I was and apparently my dad was trying to talk to me. It got to the point where he noticed how bad I was getting (sensory overload type bad) and decided "we're off because this is dog shit."

We got McDonalds on the way back home and it was great, but since then (and including that night) my dad kept badgering on about how I need to find better coping mechanisms in those types of social settings so *that* doesn't happen again.

That annoyed me for numerous reasons:

I haven't just randomly developed this kind of behaviour I've just realised that being different, like me and my friends are, is okay and I'm learning to try and destroy the mask I built up when I was a literal tiny child.

Because I haven't just developed this kind of behaviour I've had to deal with all the emotions I was feeling since I knew what emotions were and dealt with it just fine up until now and he's never bloody noticed.

This was one time I slipped up in front of him - the one and ONLY time I seemed to almost have a full blown sensory overload in front of him and now he has decided to pick apart my entire way of coping with who I am which I don't think is fair.

He's only saying this because of the recent epiphany that I may not be ✨neurotypical✨and now feels like he has the right to comment on each small difference in my behaviour and how I need to "find a way to get better with it because it won't benefit you in the long run" and that "I'm afraid that you may not be able to cope well in the real world because of this, you can't be quote-unquote antisocial in a sense because that's just not how the world works."

(quotes are paraphrased)

Like I understand he's just trying to look out for me and make sure that I'm going to be fine because the world is made to benefit neurotypicals and discredit most neurodivergent people's experiences and achievements BUT I already know that. Like I told him, it's harder to cope with sensory stimuli when you're tired, so that's how I am sometimes at school; because schools draining when the system isn't made to support you. And he's kept on badgering on about my coping mechanisms and how I can't act like that in the "real world."

It's more frustrating because he acts like he knows exactly how my brain works; all the in and outs and little nook and crannies of my thought process and structure just because he has one other autistic child (that is vastly different from myself).

I understand that I need to get better at socialising. I understand that I can't really get away with that all the time in a public setting. I understand the consequences of not developing my social skills. I understand that people are going to have their own prejudices against me when I'm an adult. I understand everything that he's saying to me and trying to 'help' me through but it's annoying and frustrating when he's telling me all this like I'm being purposefully ignorant to all the facts; and I most definitely understand that he's worried for me because of the new knowledge that I may be Autistic but it's not going to change who I really am.

On a surface level I'm still the same goddamn person. But he's acting like everything's going to or already has changed. But what's even more confusing is that he's acting like ^^^ all of this that I've put into this post, but also kept saying to me early on when we wanted to start this process that it's going to be good for me because I'll understand myself more (hopefully) and have necessary help when I need it.

So do I have a right to be feeling this way against my dad from this minor situation or is he going overboard and being ignorant to my experiences that I've had ever since I was a kid?

#asd #aspergers #asd problems #sensory overload #possibly autistic #autism #autistic feels #annoyed #genuine question #genuine #autistic kids #dad to autistic children #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurodivergent vs neurotypicals #like am i just not understanding something here?#or does anyone else have a parent that does this?#frustrating #frustrating parents

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unicornofgt · 2 years

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ok now that i’ve got it on the brain, i want to talk about disability in pjo and specifically how calling percy jackson dumb or treating him as such is not only a mischaracterization, but ableism. as a quick note, i’m keeping this to just percy to avoid having this already long post be even longer, but there are other disabled characters in pjo worthy of discussion. i bring up percy specifically because he is mostly the character i have seen people treat as dumb.

percy is a dyslexic teen with ADHD who comes from a low-income family, raised by a single mother, and deals with an abusive step-father. i cannot stress enough how much of his character is shaped by that experience, but as hard as it is to single out any one part, i am going to focus on his ADHD and dyslexia. this kid has nightmares of being forced to take tests in a straightjacket as teachers ask him if he’s stupid and withhold him from recess with his peers. he is constantly labelled as “troubled” and blamed for things he didn’t do or aren’t his fault. he is told, over and over again, that he is “not normal” (othering him). he bounces between schools. he struggles to make friends. he deals with bullying. he has difficulty studying and reading, even when invested. teachers struggle to connect with him and tend to just give up on him. these are real disabled experiences, and rick does a good job at presenting them. sometimes, it feels like everything is a struggle. you are living inside a system that not only is restricting, but actively works against and punishes you.

in contrast, CHB is a great example of how when environments meet the needs of disabled people, it hugely changes how disabled we are in that environment. demigod brains are hard-wired for ancient greek, not english, and they’re born impulsive, with high energy levels that help them survive battle—but aren’t very good for a classroom setting. but by having them read books in greek, regularly do lots of training/physical activities, and have genuine opportunities to express themselves…they function pretty damn well. percy discovers that while he struggles academically, he is brilliant in combat and capable of saving the world numerous times—he is a hero. it is here, in camp half-blood, that percy finds a place he belongs, that shows him his worth—finally, somewhere is built to not only include him, but to nurture and genuinely prepare him for the world outside its boarders. however, i think people forget that just because percy functions in the world of CHB and the gods, that does not mean he doesn’t face ableism in the mortal world—and that there is an entire group of people who see ourselves reflected in his character.

i could talk for hours about how percy’s humor revolves around coping with his environment and actually displays a very low self esteem after being looked down upon his entire life. this kid doesn’t even have to say anything and he screams ‘i had a neurodivergent childhood.’ but about five years ago, when i was more regularly tuned into the fandom, every time i saw someone call percy jackson dumb or an idiot, even jokingly, i raised an eyebrow, and now that the series is getting fresh coverage from disney+, i have wanted to make this post. so much of this kid’s life and personality comes from being treated like he’s dumb or incapable, so it’s troubling to watch part of the fanbase reflect the harmful parts of this character’s upbringing. i truly hope it does not become common again. it’s also one thing coming from a neurodivergent/disabled person with similar experiences (and even then i personally find it a little uncomfortable), it’s another to be said by a neurotypical/able bodied person.

#i feel like i could have worded this better but it’s almost 3 am and i have surgery tomorrow #sometimes i wonder if we even read the same book #being treated as stupid is literally one of the traumatic parts of his childhood y’all would do well to remember that #i like to assume it's been a long time since people have read it and are looking to make percy a comic relief #but y’know. not always the case #also i will be blocking anybody who is ableist in the replies/reblogs #pjo #percy jackson #percy jackson and the olympians #pjo tv series #pjo disney+#tw ableism #pjo ableism

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deardragonbook · 2 years

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Mental illness in characters

Prior note: As with all my posts, this is aimed at writing fiction, specifically I write young adult fantasy. This isn’t meant for a story about mental illness or neurodivergence, rather it is about writing these things into a story.

Also note, I do use mental illness and neurodivergence interchangeable because there’s not standardised definition of neurodivergence and these are new language terms. I know some people see and use them in different scenarios but I’m of the opinion (and of course this may change with time) that because society is built for those with “normally functioning brains”, pretty much all become obstacles. Simply less or more problematic ones.

When it comes to mental illness in characters there are a couple of points I want to focus in on:

-When to label it. Especially if like me you’re writing primarily fantasy. Mental illness has always existed, but hasn’t always had a label. So who’s to say it has a label in your world?

You can clearly show a character who is neurodivergent without ever straight up saying it.

Sometimes it’s also powerful to just show not tell. An example could be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, it’s never been officially stated that he had depression. Yet, he’s often used as an example of depression in media. It wouldn’t make sense in the context of the show to say it outright, but it’s still representation and could be helpful to some children to see and understand it.

-How to talk about symptoms. Trying to talk about symptoms when we know they are symptoms can be hard. We end up using technical terms that bring you out of the story. For example, a reader is going to understand a relate more to a character picking at her palm, tapping his leg or playing with their hair, than the word stemming.

I know fidgeting and stemming are not the same thing. But at the end of the day, even people who do stem will refer to it as fidgeting when talking in normal conversations, not in the mood to explain or just prior to diagnosis and understanding.

If we’re working in a setting that does not have the same level of understanding of mental health as our current society, it’s likely characters will talk about it in simplistic terms, the same way we do when explaining to children. Because they themselves are trying to understand it.

-When are symptoms skip-able. I’ve often heard, I can’t represent this, because I don’t want my character to have that symptom. And this could be for a number of reasons. Well, you ever heard the expression, “you don’t look like...”? If you do some research, you might be surprised by how many symptoms are not necessarily, and in some cases, not even common.

It’s weird the way society picks and chooses wheat mental illnesses look like. Usually due to media. If you think a character fits, you want to represent something, but there’s something not quite right, do your research.

-Where to research. Research is an important tool in writing. Especially on delicate topics such as this one. I can’t stress this enough because there are so many bad representations that can be harmful. And I’m not just talking about stereotypes! Media often shows “cures” or “treatments” that are absolutely harmful, they normalise things that should never be socially accepted.

So where to research?

YouTube is a good tool. There are a lot of YouTubers who are neurodivergent and happily telling their story and their experience. Make sure to watch several different people with the same mental illneses so as to ensure you can see not only the similarities, but the differences.

Friends and family. Having a friend who you can ask questions can be a huge help! It can be a bit awkward at first, but if you explain your writing and that you want to be as honest as possible with your representations, people are often open to help. If they aren’t open, obviously leave them alone! But people who have lived this first hand and are dealing with your specific questions are going to be the most accurate resource.

Experts, but with caution. See, papers and officialy published articles are great, for seeing things from the doctor’s point of view, of course. But when writing and when reading we don’t care too much about that, we care about the character and what they’re feeling and what they are going through. Experts can be great for understanding what is actually going on. Why would doing certain actions help or harm? Why do they act the way they act? But it can also be dangerous.

There are a lot of non-specialised experts. People who do publications and psychology without specialising in a specific area for example. And there information will be correct, but maybe not helpful. People who actually specialise in your specific needs are going to be far more helpful. So, for example a specialist in child PTSD, is a better source than just a normal family therapist.

-Specialised beta reading. Once all your research, writing and editing is done, it’s time to pick beta readers. And if you can afford to be a bit picky, try and find people who have experienced what you’re writing and see if they relate to that character. They might not, and that might not be a sign you did it wrong. Not everybody with generalised anxiety is the same after all. But it’s certainly going to be a far better hint than your own intuition.

Also, last of all, always write from experience. Your own, your friends, your family, or just that which you’ve observes in society. People-watching is an amazing writing tool.

As usual, check out my book, stories I’ve written plus other social medias: here.

This one more than ever I’d love to hear about all of your experience and tips!

I tend to stick to writing only that which I understand and know thoroughly and slowly branching out and trying to learn more. But sometimes I’m still hesitant. I never want to offend anybody.

#writers on tumblr #writing #writer #writing advice #how I write #how to write #writing tip #writing trick #writing tips #writing tricks #author #authors #indieauthor #indieauthors #mentalillness #mental ilness #writing mental illness #writing neurodivergence #neurodivergence

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lokislittlesigyn · 2 years

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a personal post

((literally just a post about me as a person you do not have to engage with this if you don’t want to lol))

helloooooooooo

so the month is almost over, but after seeing a friend reblog some stuff about this and then reblogging it myself, i sort of got the Final Push to draw this and post this and i’m trying to be brave. :’D

so. april is autism acceptance month some people say “autism awareness” and while awareness is also important i like acceptance a bit more and i wanted to just. let y’all know! i am autistic!! hi!! it’s me!!!!

last year i went from not knowing what autism entailed to being diagnosed with it in the span of a few months. it was a wild ride. it’s taken me months to be able to Resist my deep-seated anxieties about “what if i gave a false positive without realizing it???” and try to embrace myself post-diagnosis. its been a little scary... most of the stuff id heard about autism beforehand was cruel, dehumanizing jokes, and truth be told, im still afraid people will mistreat me if/when they find out im autistic (just yesterday i told someone and i was literally shaking afterward), but i am trying to be brave anyway.

there is nothing wrong with being autistic, or having other kinds of neurodivergencies. this goes for any neurodivergency. we are not something to be cured or culled, we possess different kind of brain and these differences are beautiful. it can be hard because our world often isnt built for people who aren’t neurotypical, but that is reason for striving to do better for everyone.

this isn’t really going to change my content - although i have wondered if i write fics differently from others, or if i have accidentally slipped autism-esque mannerisms into fics... hmm... - everything ive made has been mine, and everything i make will continue to be mine. i just know a bit more about myself now, and im trying to accept and express myself more and more. but this blog has already helped me start that, tbh. marvel and loki Specifically is ABSOLUTELY a huge special interest of mine. can you tell loki is one of my special interests???? can you tell i love him so so so much and want to give him the world??? well i do. he’s the absolute best.

i also wanted to tell people as a way to boost my confidence and give others, who may feel alienated, misunderstood, or broken, a possible help somehow. if it wasnt for the therapists who helped me, i would probably still think i’m an unintelligent, strange, over-sensitive, takes-things-too-seriously weirdo who will simply never fit in and who will never feel truly safe with anyone. so if i can mention something that piques one’s curiosity, and potentially leads them to a helpful diagnosis? that’s worth it.

if you have any autistic friends, maybe take some time to talk to them and ask them if there’s a way you can support them! i also suggest just, reaching out to friends in general. go talk to someone. be kind to someone. ask about them and listen attentively. be good to one another, okay? and be good to yourself. <3

#personal #woah im a person??? wild #autism acceptence month #autism #asd #actually autistic #neurodivergent #neurodivergency #<3 #sigyn is trying to be brave!!!#is it working?

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the-farmers-rabbit · 3 years

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ADHD: It’s real and serious so please don’t mock it

Some of my friends (neuordivergents like myself) were sharing some cool shirts they found. Ones that were about autism and ADHD which is really cool to see. Then they showed a shirt that said ADHD (but like the ACDC thing). below it, it read “highway to HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL” and to say I got upset is a minor understatement.

For a few months I actually hyperfixated on ADHD, which was really helpful because I was able to learn a lot about the disorder I have and how other people are effected by it. As my understanding of it grew so did my acceptance of it. I stopped hating that part of myself and stopped blaming myself for things that my ADHD was responsible for. I gave it a persona (The ADHD gremlin) which made it easier to cope with it. If I was reading a passage and none of the words sunk in, it wasn’t because I myself was stupid. But it was because the ADHD gremlin was blocking the way. I learned to cope with it by making it a separate being.

Through doing that and through learning about how it actually works compared to a neurotypical brain, I began to understand how complex and, honestly, fascinating ADHD is. Every case is different. Some people have minor cases, making it easy for them to mask. Some people, like myself, have severe cases which, until diagnosed and treated, can lead to severe penalties in school and in life (I almost got put in special ed in elementary school but that’s a different story). And quirks were just as diverse. Some people ramble (like me and my wiggle buddy, @novas-space) other people write. Some people fidget with toys, others doodle, some fiddle. Everyone is different and it’s so amazing to learn about it.

Now, back to the reason I want to make this post. The t-shirt. I have seen a lot of stuff like that with “chase the squirrel”-esc wording and jokes on them. And at first, when I first got diagnosed, I was fine with it. I found it funny even though I can’t relate. But as I’ve gotten older and as I’ve learned more, tested with my medication more, done projects and papers and researched more about ADHD, the more that kind of joke pisses me the fuck off.

Now, i get it. We do get distracted easily. Hell, I’m watching a show while I type this and am checking my discord every few minutes. Yes we get distracted. But I’m not a fucking dog. I don’t see movement on the ground and immediately drop my conversation or my book or whatever I’m doing. I’m not that simple. I’m not that dumb. People with ADHD aren’t dogs that get distracted by the doorbell ringing. We are complex people with actual disorders that, depending on the severity, can severely impair our way of life.

I have spent years, years, of my life, degrading and hating myself for something completely out of my control. I spent days paralyzed by the fear of constant failure, unable to do the thing that i was so afraid of failing. There are times when I am so understimulated that I feel like I’m dying and times where there is so much noise, I have to go to the bathroom and cry because I couldn’t handle it. I am not a fucking dog that you can fake throw a ball for and I’ll fall for it.

I have a disorder I have been diagnosed for and am taking medication to help me survive in a world not at all built for me. This world is built for people who have brains that work correctly and speak in normal tones and understand the deeper meaning behind texts and can crank out a paper in a few hours with ease. It’s built for people that can touch any texture and not feel suddenly nauseous if it’s the wrong texture. It’s built for people who choose to not do something and call me lazy when I physically can’t. It’s built for neurotypicals. It isn’t built for me.

And it took so long for me to come to terms that no, nothing is going to be as easy as it was in elementary school and no, those people can’t hear the lights flickering and no, you can’t change every project topic to something you actually understand because “if you were confused you should have asked”. It has taken me so long to accept that I have ADHD. I have a severe case of ADHD. My brain doesn’t have a proper reward system, I have a hard time interpreting instructions, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast or if I ate at all, and I don’t know what a theme is. And that’s ok.

So when I see something that is marketed for neurodivergents with something like “hey look a squirrel” on it and I get angry, I’m not going to let someone with a correctly functioning frontal lobe to tell me “chill it’s just a joke”. Because no. It isn’t a fucking joke. It’s something that I have to live with and you mocking it and invalidating it makes me upset. It’s my life that I have to survive because of a world built for NTs. So I’m going to get angry when something targeted to me invalidates my entire experience

#adhd #undiagnosed adhd #capitalism #neurodivergent #actually adhd #actually neurodivergent #angry rant

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wolfstar-in-color · 3 years

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June Creator Spotlight: BigBlackDog

Hello, colorful cuties, and welcome to our first creator spotlight!!

Each month, we will highlight a different creator in our lovely fandom who features diverse characterizations. We will invite you to get to know them better through questions and answers, Fandom Discourse(tm), and a featured prompt created by our guest!!!

For our first spotlight, we are more than pleased to highlight the incredible work of bigblackdog!!! See a little snippet of this wonderful interview below, along with bigblackdog’s prompt! Look below the cut for our complete interview. Don’t forget to share and interact with this post, and if you have anyone you’d like to recommend for a spotlight, shoot us an ask! You can find our first guest’s Tumblr here.

“I've experienced ups and downs in the wolfstar fandom. It often feels like the wolfstar fandom is willing to engage in discussion about every political issue but race. And the few people who are trying to talk about race consistently encounter this silence.”

bigblackdog’s prompt: I want to see more latino characters who are not impoverished or criminalized. Give me a joyful latino/e remus!

Hello, I'm bigblackdog! I'm almost 30, and I've been active in fandom on various platforms for about seven years now. I'm latina/e and live in the u.s. with a small white dog.

Q: How did you start creating in the fandom? What did you wish to bring into the fandom?

A: Like a lot of fans I started with self insert fic as a middle schooler. Sometimes the practice of self-insert gets ragged on in fandom, as if you're not doing real character work, but I think it's really cool. And if you're an under represented identity in the traditional western canon of literature, self insert is a radical practice. Making space for yourself in a story that refuses or ignores your identities is a radical act. And that's what i want to bring to fandom-- disruption and self care.

Q: What things about s/r as characters or in their relationship inspire you to create around them?

A: Wolfstar was the first queer ship I was introduced to. I wasn't someone who arrived in fandom with my own robust queer reading skills, I needed other queers to hold my hand and introduce me to queer ships and how to find them and build them. My interest in r/s was simply a clinging to queerness I wasn't finding in other places. I really think it could have been any characters, as long as they were queer.

Q: What things would you like to highlight about the Wolfstar fandom and your experience in it?

A: I've experienced ups and downs in the wolfstar fandom. It often feels like the wolfstar fandom is willing to engage in discussion about every political issue but race. And the few people who are trying to talk about race consistently encounter this silence. It's hard not to feel bitter. But i've also met some amazing people and overall feel that fans really are trying their best to be welcoming and inclusive.

Q: What type of content do you wish you saw more in the fandom?

A: I want to see more discourse that aims at amplifying underrepresented voices like wolfstar-in-color. I want to see more fans of color joyfully and irreverently writing themselves into the magical world!

Q: What is your favourite wolfstar fancontent (fic/fanart/gifset/etc) and how does it inspire you?

A: I love dontthinkonithermione's rp. Not only does she do an amazing nerdy know it all Hermione, she envisions Black characters in every corner of the hp world. Have you seen her Hogwarts p.e. professor rps? i love the space she creates for herself, and the joy she does it with.

Q: Which of your own identities inform your creative processes? How has that process been for you?

A: I started out in fandom really trying to feel out the nooks and crannies of being queer. As i've spent more time in fandom and become more confident in my queerness I've started looking closer at some of my other identities-- Latina, mixed, adhd-- and how i can squeeze them into the hp world. For a long time it was hard, especially with being Latine and mixed, to envision how that identity could belong in a 90s British boarding school in the Scottish wilderness. I also really struggled with the feeling that i would get "diversity" wrong. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I have to write diversity because i'm an underrepresented voice. Brown people are often pressured to do the work of educating white people about racism and in fandom spaces that often means pressure to write the reality of racism instead of the fantasy that white writers get to play with. And sometimes i just want to write a pwp without worrying about the revolution, you know? But i really love fandom for its refusal to play by the rules of capitalism and canon, eventually i started to feel like putting more of myself into my writing was another rule i could break.

Q: What advice do you have for other content creators with diverse backgrounds in the fandom? What would you say to people that might feel they don’t have the “right” history/experience/characteristics to participate in the creation of content related to Wolfstar?

First, there's a lot of content on tumblr that aims to silence your voice, learn how to recognize the difference between cancel culture and encouragement. Sometimes content that seems well meaning still presents writing diversity as a list of black and white rules (and virtue signaling) instead of encouragement for underrepresented voices to share their own messy experience. Set those rules gently aside. Second, fandom is built on the idea that the author isn't the only person who gets to play. we all get to play. It doesn't always feel like we were invited, but the great thing about fandom is there is no barrier to entry, no prior experience or publishing hoops to jump through. This is our playground too. If canon is dead then why can't our stories be brown and queer and neurodivergent? Third, find your people. i've found that having just one other person to talk about race with has made the whole space feel more welcoming.

Q: How could we build a more diverse fandom?

A: We have to stop prioritizing white and cis male voices. We recognize that policing irl is a problem inextricable from whiteness and maleness, but we don't see that fandom policing online is also a problem deeply embedded in whiteness and maleness. White and cis male people frequently use their discomfort with difficult topics to change the subject from a critical discussion to one that prioritizes their white and/or male feelings. The same thing happens online when personal discomfort is used to cancel or undermine content that's challenging to a white or male voice. White and cis male voices are used to having their needs met above others. And we still cater to that in fandom spaces when we privilege 'fetishization' discourse over racial discourse. When we lift up bipoc and women/trans/nb voices and the issues they're concerned with we'll make fandom a more welcoming place for underrepresented voices.

Q: What’s your favourite thing to modify in Sirius’s or Remus’s characterizations to bring new perspectives to them?

A: It really depends on the story i'm writing and what issue i'm trying to figure out. Sometimes i need Sirius to be Adhd to come to terms with my brain, sometimes i need two brown boys to fall in love and be happy against all odds.

Q: What does diversity mean to you? What does that encompass in fannish spaces?

A: This is a hard question! I tend to think of diversity as those voices that are disenfranchised or pushed to the margins. And fannish spaces have all the same hierarchies and blind spots as other spaces. In fannish spaces there's the idea that you can curate your experience to some extent, but for marginalized voices, at least in my experience, no matter how much you curate the marginalization is still there.

Q: What are your ideas about the notions of culture and ethnicity? How do you relate to those notions?

A: There was a time in my life where relating to my ethnicity was largely a process of recognizing larger systems of oppression and how they worked against my various identities. And for a while it was a really helpful way to frame my experiences. Now I feel a little less attached to ethnicity as like, a monolithic concept threaded through my whole life and more attached to the small things that I enjoy about my ethnicity and culture-- making a really good pot of beans, for example.

Q: Leave us with a quote or work of art that always inspires you.

A: "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." Audre Lorde

#creator spotlight #bigblackdog #bigblackdogfic #wolfstar #fandom #diversity

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astraltrickster · 2 years

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More fandom statements that a lot of people seem to think are contradictory but in fact can and must coexist:

"Fandom has the potential to be a good source of community, especially for marginalized people, especially neurodivergent people who have a hard time with 'small talk' that isn't about a known shared interest"

and

"fandom is not inherently A Community, not everyone who likes the same piece of media as you is inherently compatible with you as a friend, not everyone who likes the same piece of media likes it in the same WAY as you and that's okay, and some people in fandom are just plain assholes who do not have your best interests at heart and only see you as a potential source of clout or worse, so please be mindful of your safety"

and

"even though the transformative side of modern fandom was built by and for marginalized people, this does not make people immune from bringing in really shitty biases - especially racism - and even using fandom to proselytize those biases (looking at you, aphobes of TJLC) and that's an important thing to watch out for."

Also,

"It is not inherently bad to have a very specific preference for a genre, or a type of fannish engagement, or anything like that; if you can't Get Into a piece of media for fun without a social element or an OTP or a comfort character or whatever this does not make you inherently stupid, you are not 'rotting your brain', you are allowed to have preferences"

and

"if you are so deeply invested in a character or ship or show or whatever that you cannot see a light criticism of it that isn't even directed at you as anything but a personal attack (and yes this includes if, for example, you think anyone who doesn't care for your OTP is necessarily homophobic despite no other evidence), it's time to step back and work on building coping skills that are wholly unrelated to media"

and

"special interests are not just 'normal interests but more'; they are often a core part of how neurodivergent people understand and navigate the world, so telling someone to 'just stop caring so much' or 'stop making this ~cringey~ thing your ~entire personality~' can be pretty fuckin' ableist"

and

"if your special interest is being used to hurt other people you have a responsibility to figure out a way to not contribute to the harm and possibly even try to find a new 'mental substrate', just because it's harder for you than a neurotypical fan doesn't mean you get a pass (looking at you, people refusing to even try to unpack your relationship with that one wizard series)"

and

"it's always good to at least make an ATTEMPT to diversify your interests, ESPECIALLY if you're neurodivergent, because it will give you a more rounded view of the world AND serve as at least a partial mental defense in the event that something you invested yourself in turns out not to love you back (looking at you, people trying and struggling to divest from that one wizard series)."

#fandom

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spectrumed · 3 years

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1. piano

The brain is a musical instrument. How it sounds all depends on who is playing it. The keys, the strings, the tubes, the circuits, none of them make noise on their own. Some may argue (some very aggressively) that every instrument has one exact way that it should be played. That there is one correct way to play the piano, and then there’s several incorrect (deviant!) ways to play the piano. But a classically trained pianist will not play the piano in quite the same way as a self-taught jazz pianist will play the piano. Sure, the latter does employ some stylings unique to them. They have an idiosyncratic way of playing that makes their sound highly notable, possibly even sought after. While the former, the classically trained musician, they’ve been taught to minimise many of those quirky individual traits that could, potentially, distract from the classical compositions that they will be playing. In jazz, music is carried by unique characters and a strong sense of individualism. In classical, music is carried by tradition, norm, and history.

It should not be understood that the classically trained musician plays without soul or passion. While we, in the western world, have become more and more infatuated with the idea of the self-made artist, the amateur who makes their way to success and stardom solely through will, and quite often a manic compulsion to create, there is no wrong way to play an instrument. However you make it work, whatever sounds you are able to produce, you are playing that instrument. You are channeling your inner essence into the music you are performing, no matter what genre you belong to. No-one plays their instrument the exact same way, for certain, but everyone is playing with what they’ve got.

How do you think? You’re used to being asked “what do you think?” But how do you think? Do you see pictures in your head? Do you experience an inner monologue? Are you riddled with anxiety? Have you ever hallucinated? Do you think that you think good, or do you think that you think bad? If we return to our metaphor of the brain as a musical instrument, what sort of music do you think you’d play? Sure, there’s the classical world, and the jazz world, but of course, that’s hardly the music most people will listen to nowadays. Do you think in pop songs? Or do you think in big heavy metal epics? Or maybe what you are is a maniac for dance music. You may find like-minded friends who like the same kind of music as you do. I think that there is a correlation between what music we like and how we perceive the world. Does listening to a certain song send you back? Does a certain tune evoke memories that you may have thought were long since gone? I know that there are some folks out there who say that they do not care much for music, and while I don’t doubt that they absolutely do feel that way, I can personally not imagine where I’d be without my trusty set of headphones and my phone loaded up with a wide library of music I like. It seems to me that music is primal. Almost as if only by understanding music, can one come to understand consciousness. To nab a song title from Jethro Tull (the band, not the agriculturalist,) life is a long song.

But I do admit that I come from a biased perspective. Music means much to me. I’m no musician, but I think that partly stems from a desire to not see “how the sausage is made.” I’d like to be able to listen to a composition without feeling compelled to analyse it, or to study it. I’d rather eat the sausage without having to wonder what bits of the animals this meat came from. Is that the taste of a spleen or a testicle? There are plenty of other things in life to dissect and tear apart just to examine. Perhaps what I wish is to maintain an arcane approach to music. Perhaps I am too enamoured by the idea of the musician as a mystic able to tap into an elevated state of being, some spiritual realm divorced from our own. That look on the guitarist’s face when they successfully manages to convey just the right emotional tone perfectly with that solo. The frisson you feel when the song reaches its climax. That thing we call the sublime. To explain it, well, it simply feels like you are making something splendid mundane. It seems to rob it of its power. Or… Well, maybe that’s not it all. Maybe all I want is just a moment or two when I can relax and avoid thinking about things. For a moment, I’d just like to forget that I’m a person.

The world is so loud. Really, I can guarantee you that if you didn’t have those natural mental filters that we all have, you’d go insane. Every little sound. Every little bit of stimuli. It would all overwhelm you. It would burrow deep into your consciousness, and it would refuse to leave. Ever tried to fall asleep while hearing the dripping water from a leaky tap? Drip, drip, drip. Know how impossible that feels? Well, imagine if you had that feeling always, imagine if all noise felt that visceral and in-your-face. Lucky you’ve got those filters. Turns out, not everyone has them. I don’t. It fucking sucks.

Music is lovely, because music is organised. It has structure. You can listen to a song, remember it, and then follow along as you’re listening to it a second time. Music follows a pattern. There is a logic to patterns. But the everyday noises that surround us do not follow a pattern. Let me tell you, birds are infuriating animals. Sure, their individual little songs can be nice to listen to, but when all the birds of the forest come together, they don’t perform as an orchestra. No, they’re all just doing their own solo piece, completely oblivious to the sounds going on around them. I’m thinking that nature could have done well with a conductor. Someone competent to create order. To make it all just that bit more peaceful. I don’t have those filters others take for granted. I can’t ignore sounds. And that makes the world feel so loud.

It is neat to imagine the human brain as a musical instrument. You can imagine that seasoned player, that old session stalwart who’s played on all the most famous pop hits throughout the decades, and you want to imagine them playing with grace and finesse and showcasing all the amazing sounds that the instrument can produce. But the brain isn’t really some marvel of biological engineering. It’s not intelligently designed. It’s actually just a piece of meat hiding underneath layers of bone, skin, and hair. It’s a complex bit of meat, admittedly. It’s hard to understand exactly how the brain does work. But if you were to open up a person’s cranium, rather than feeling awe, you’d most likely feel grossed out. This thing that we’re supposed to think of as a miraculous product of millennia of evolutionary progress, it looks… Well, it looks awfully pinkish, and wrinkly, and frankly unpleasant.

We’re all mortal beings, made from squishy flesh and blood, scraped together from all that was available at the time. Sure, we may dream and fantasise about one day achieving those heights we aspire towards, to become that perfect superman, whose cognitive abilities put them on par with the mythological titans of the past. But really, we’re all just trying to do our best with what we’ve got. You may not be able to play the finest of Mozart’s many symphonies, the instrument that you’ve been given just simply isn’t up to snuff. Even if all you can play is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, that shouldn’t weigh on your value as a human being. And besides, that’s still Mozart you’re playing.

I will undoubtedly get back to discussing music in later instalments of this blog. It is truly a major part of my world, and without the joys I associate with it, I would be in a far worse place. But I think that, ultimately, what I wish to arrive at, is the fact that our sensory perceptions have a significant impact on how we piece together our sense of self. While it may be an unnerving thought to consider, what would happen to our understanding of ourselves if we one day were to lose one of our major senses? I am sure that many people could go without their sense of smell. Humans have long since abandoned smell as a dominant sense. To a dog, on the other hand, to lose its sense of smell would be devastating. It would lose part of what it means to be a dog. For humans, we enjoy the scent of freshly baked bread, the whiff of somebody’s perfume, or the bouquet of some pricey bottle of wine. But that’s nothing to what dogs get out of their sense of smell. To a dog, its sense of smell is its world. Is a dog even a dog if it can’t sniff around? Do you think dogs ever take their sense of smell for granted?

I do not think that humans are what we eat, but I suspect that we may be what we perceive. Our consciousness does not exist independently of the world that surrounds it, but rather, it is formed by the outside stimuli it receives on a constant basis. The fury of noises, lights, smells, all kinds of impressions, it shapes you. It is what our memories are built on. I am not at all certain that there exists anything more to the mind beyond that. I doubt that we’ve got some immutable soul hidden underneath it all. Humans are the collection of thoughts and ideas that we’ve attached ourselves to throughout our lives, and naturally, if you’re neurodivergent, that process is going to happen differently to most. At times those differences will be large enough that it can create real conflicts with those others around you. Effectively, to be neurodivergent is to suffer constantly from culture shocks. To me, it is natural to loathe the cacophony of birds in the summer. Their screams feel like piercing needles embedding themselves into my skin. But I try telling that to others, and I’ve yet to find anybody who agrees with me.

So, am I just wrong? Am I mistaken? Am I a freak? Why can’t I just be like everybody else? Why must I be such a buzzkill? I can’t even enjoy birdsong, I really must be a pain to be around. How did it come about that I just can’t be normal? Normal. I want to be normal. It is and it will likely always be grossly underrated to just be normal. Normal people don’t know how good they have it. They’re just too normal to be able to perceive it. When you’ve never been without it, you don’t know what it is to miss it. Normalcy. Having a normal brain. Having others see you as a normal person. Only if you didn’t have it, would you know how great it is. Do you sometimes wonder if dogs know how much they’d miss their sense of smell if they ever were to lose it?

Then again, there is no such thing as normal, is there? If you were to take the world’s most average person, then that person would be abnormal. To be a person is to be unique. We’re all special snowflakes. Aren’t we?

You may not play your instrument in a conventional manner, but who’s to say what manner counts as conventional? It’s all just so arbitrary. Who’s to say you can’t play an acoustic guitar as a drum? Who’s to say you can’t treat your piano as a percussion instrument? Smack your cello with a flute, if you’d like. Isn’t it just delightful when you see a unique performer who is able to play their instrument in a way you could never before have conceived it being played? The novelty of it all. The absolute joy of being exposed to something different. Of seeing something that can barely be believed. You love things that are unusual, and you think people who are different should delight in being different. Surely, it is better than being normal and boring?

But is it all that bad to be boring? And you may love what’s different, but when it comes down to it, despite your positive inclination, you still perceive it as being the other. It is not you. It is not mainstream, it is underground. Secluded. Deviant. Those who truly do struggle to fit in with society, to be just like everybody else, they are constantly faced with these little reminders that they just don’t belong. They are humans (at least they think they are humans,) but they’re not like other humans they know. For as much as they get told that they should embrace their quirky nature as simply being who they are, it is hard to know what it is like to be not normal, when all you’ve ever been is normal. Sure, for a performance or two, it’s fun. It’s fun to get the attention, to be seen as having something others don’t have. But then, at the end of the day, all you want is to be able to fall asleep, without the birdsong outside your window keeping you awake.

#neurodiversity #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health

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drake-the-incubus · 3 years

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This is a gift for @striderhell from the Homestuck Secret Santa 2020 (@homestuckss). I was aiming for 3000 words but uh, Dirk as a muse didn’t want to continue exploring the concept of gender given his rigid but philosophical nature.

I hope this was good, and if not just gimme a shout and I’ll try and come up with something better.

Word Count: 1521 Fandom: Homestuck Characters: Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde Relationships: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde (Platonic/Friends)

Additional Notes: Roxy uses He/Him and They/Them, I’ve never finished the epilogues but I love NB Rox. Dirk uses no pronouns in this, as I wanted to try that out.

Please enjoy Dirk exploring his gender.

Sometimes in an effort to define ourselves, we feel trapped to conform to some rigid aspect or label in hopes to reach an understanding of who we are. At times this process can be frustrating and dissatisfying. Other people take weeks or days, and some of them take years or never figure it out.

Perhaps gender, as a construct, can’t be fully understood, but we can understand ourselves as people without it. The tale before you, is only a short of someone who wishes to take a journey many end up doing, and most have never encountered.

Dirk was sitting in a cafe on Earth-C, sipping on a coffee in between tinkering with another pair of shades. The goal was updating and adding a better set of graphics, hoping to add some additional features to make things easier.

It had been a while since the Prince of Heart had seen the rest of the gods. Jake would visit once in a while, and they would have a friendly spar or talk. Roxy would message once in a while, letting Dirk know any spicy news about the rest.

Dave would randomly show up, they would stare each other down before both Striders would give a thumbs up and go their separate ways.

Rose would often come by, trading witty banter and wisdom. Both of them struggled with the massive impact of their god tiers and would often talk about it to one another.

Today though, Dirk decided a change of area would suit this project best, specifically needing to leave the workshop and enjoy some caffeine. Recently a problem developed that would continue to nag at the Prince even through the night. Lack of sleep was the reason why Dirk had picked a coffee shop. It made the most sense.

Gender did not.

Dirk had been going through a lot lately, and when Roxy had come out as trans, it had been taken pretty well by most of them. Not that it would be different if Dirk came out either, but rather that would take knowing what was going on.

This was a laughable moment, since they all had beaten the game, made it out and enjoyed their own little home in the midst of nothing. Creating entire worlds and civilizations with the help of their space and time players, but Dirk was sitting there, in a cafe, trying to figure out what gender even was and how it related to the god’s own identity.

Pronouns were hard, but so was even figuring this shit out. Making a copy of your brain at thirteen was much easier than figuring out if you’re cis or not, and Dirk didn’t know.

The more it was thought about, the more the thought cropped up, what if it turned out the being Cis wasn’t the result. Dirk was absolutely sure about not being a chick, nothing really appealed about that, but then again there was a very similar feeling over the current gender.

Man, agender or woman. Those were the categories that presented themselves currently. Working harder to connect the shades to the newly built chip, Dirk jolted when suddenly Roxy sat down across the table.

“I called out to you, but you didn’t answer.” He said leaning over and looking over the project. “I was wondering what made you change location, you’re pretty adamant to work in your workshop Dirkie.”

“I needed to think, which I was doing when you were calling out to me. Thinking so hard about creating a new line of orange pop with more caffeine than this cup of coffee that the world died out and I was left to only the one set of thoughts for once.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, and crossed his arms. “Really now? You think that I can’t tell something bigger is going on in that Strider head of yours? You’ve come up with projects while having a philosophical discussion with Rose and texting Dave a rap battle. You’re the king of multi-tasking, which also means your attention is usually divided more, and you’re attempting to put a wire on the wrong side of that.”

Dirk frowned and sighed, putting the project down. “Well, I can’t get nothing past you I suppose. I guess one thing that’s on my mind is how much I miss AR, since he was a good source of introspection, then again I have no idea if that would have helped in the first place.” Tapping fingers filled the space between them as the Prince looked outside at the billions of humans and trolls walking over the streets.

“I’ve been contemplating what gender is and how I relate to it since you came out as nonbinary. It’s been making me think about what is my gender, and I’ve come to the conclusion none of them really fit, but that’s also something to worry about since that means I don’t relate to any of the options-“

“Before you go on a long tangent, I want to ask, what are the options?” He interrupted Dirk while cocking his head.

“Agender, man and woman.” Dirk said bluntly, staring at Roxy. The laughter that resulted made the god tip the iconic shades down to stare at Roxy with deadpan orange eyes.

“I get greeted by your eye colour, score! But no, you got it all wrong, gender isn’t rigid categories, it’s a spectrum. You can’t define it by strict labels and there’s too many to count. So you don’t fit in three, there’s millions of genders. Some might not have a word for it right now. I’m nonbinary, but that’s because I’m not a man or a woman completely, I’m somewhere in the middle, closer to a man if I were to describe it as like, a sliding scale. So don’t be in a hurry, and don’t worry if you don’t figure it out.”

“I need to. Not knowing makes things difficult. I know it might be unhealthy to obsess over, but ever since I made Auto Responder, I had the need to understand myself fully and everything about myself.” With an elbow on the table, Dirk took a hand and raked it through the mess of hair. Having done so more than a hundred times earlier, the Prince was sure it was a complete and utter mess at this point, and would need to be taken care of at home.

“Well, I have a list of some of the other more known ones, maybe one of them check out for you?” He offered a tablet.

Dirk took it, and looked over the list of options and each description of it, mumbling under breath before placing the tablet back down with a definite, “I’m going to use Genderless for now and see what happens.” It looked interesting, the excerpt specifically outlined not having a gender at all due to neurodivergence, rather than lacking a gender or having no gender, different from agender. It didn’t feel much different from everything else, but nothing did. Having several of the entries be defined by one’s neurodivergence was weird, but the more thought placed into the concept, the more it felt real to Dirk. Rather it meant that the Prince would have to take Rose up on her offer to get a fully evaluation soon, even if both of them came to the conclusion Dirk was probably neurodivergent and that it wasn’t impactful with how the god had lived life before the game.

“Are there any pronouns I should use for you?”

Pursing lips, Dirk gave a shake of the head. “None preferably. I think I need more time to actually think everything over. I have no positive or negative feelings for anything on there, and so I’m debating on if I’m everything or not. I can figure out how to make an exact replica of my own brain as a teenager, create robots, plot out the exact way I can kiss Jake and even save everyone's lives getting into the game. I’ve designed complex interactions to lead to the outcome I desire, and I can’t even pick a gender. This is quite frankly, ridiculous.”

“You don’t gotta. Dirk, it’s not about just picking a gender, it’s about figuring out a big part of yourself, and something most people don’t do for yours. You figured out you’re gay, now you’re figuring out what else you could be.” He placed a hand on Dirk’s and gave him a smile. “Whatever your result, I’m here for you. Even if you later think you’re a Cis man I’ll still be here for you. We might be siblings but we were friends first and that matters the most to me.”

Dirk gave a snort. “This is so fucking corny, but thanks Rox. I appreciate the love and support. Maybe I can treat you to another coffee since I feel like if I don’t buy one soon I’m going to be kicked out for making a mess of a window table.” Motioning towards the table, and standing up, the god stretched out. “What are you in the mood for?”

“Caramel Macchiato please.”

“Gotcha.”

#homestuck secret santa 2020 #striderhell #I fucking was gonna make this christmas eve but I got busy the past two days #Glad I waited because this Idea was much better #trans nonbinary characters #dirk is amab

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erudite-rebel · 3 years

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i gasped when i saw your magnus archives au because i'm a huge fan and your artwork on head archivist ooblek is so incredible. do you have any stray headcanons on it, or maybe how grimm translate to entities, or anything really because i'm so fascinated with this concept.

//You got a big storm comin'

Soooo TMA AU was basically caused by @nightmarebcrn and @jinxedcrow getting me into The Magnus Archives and the subsequent chaos thereafter. Barty was actually built slowly after I began season 3 I think (but it may have been season 2 or even earlier. I remember not realizing just how bad I was setting him up for pain). I'm gonna give a write up with as few show-spoilers as possible beyond the basic concept (Entities) and I will chew on the Grimm bc I didn't quite work on them when I developed this but now that you said it that brain's a-firin' away.

So!

The Archivist of Beacon AKA Why Barty Can't Have Nice Things

While I have written a statement on Barty's past, I'll do a quick write up of his history and who he is as the Archivist.

With all of my iterations of Barty, he is neurodivergent. He has Aspergers (low-spectrum Autism) and ADHD. This presents primarily in hyperfocus, being less than adept at social situations, a tendency to shy away from direct eye contact, and stimming (bouncing his leg, jittery movements, counting in dead languages).

Different to his canon verse, Barty is an only child and his parents were of equal age.

His first contact with the entities was when he was a young boy. He was raised primarily running around a now closed, privately run museum that operated near Oxford University. While no doubt several of the items within have made their way into the Beacon Artifact Storage, at the time he was aware of nothing specifically evil. A new lot acquisition included an unusual set of canopic jars that were written off by several scientists as very good fakes. Despite that, one of the employees – Dr. Herbert Renshaw – became obsessed with them and succumbed to their lure. He killed four people by removing critical organs and permanently disfigured a fifth before disappearing with them. While Barty witnessed the attack which killed his parents, and saw what it entailed, he repressed much of it for most of his life. Working at Beacon brought most of it back.

After his parents died he was looked after by his grandfather, who was a strict and no-nonsense veteran of the second World War. The arrangement lasted only two years before he died of cancer and Barty was released into the foster system, inheritance waiting for him when he turned 18.

Shuttled through foster homes, Barty became something of a punk. He had a big chip on his shoulder, was lonely and desperate for a place to fit in when there were so few that could address his needs. Finally he was sent somewhere with a reputation for 'curing' delinquency. Without knowing it he entered a residence under control of the Web.

Qrow Branwen was in his year in high school. While he and Barty didn't at once know each other, as they were both rather withdrawn and loners, they eventually grew close because of similar interests and attitudes. After a few months Qrow spotted a tell-tale scar on the back of Barty's neck. He'd escaped the same boys home the year before in a bid to be placed elsewhere with his twin. Suddenly frightened for Barty's life, he hatched a plan to help Barty escape. Because Barty was far more under the influence of the Web than Qrow had been it had turned into a rescue mission than a run away. The two of them burned the home to the ground and somehow managed to evade implication.

Barty went to stay with Qrow and Raven with their foster mother, Morrigan Branwen. She was careful to help with his needs, and Barty loved her like a mother, though he never considered Raven or Qrow his siblings. In Qrow he'd developed a bad crush that quickly turned into a deep, devoted love. While Barty wasn't much given to the concept of soulmates, he considered Qrow exactly that.

He and Qrow both were accepted into University and he'd thought they would always be together. Eventually though Qrow began to fade away from him, consumed by something else, and dropped out of University. He cut off contact and disappeared. Barty didn't see him again until Morrigan's funeral and never got any explanation for what happened.

Years later Barty obtained both his doctorate in history and a degree in archaeology. His interests were always skewed to the occult, though something always kept him back from pursuing the real deal of the supernatural. He was looking forward to a life of academia, though something always felt empty to him. Sometimes he'd see a familiar face in a crowd and his neck would itch before they disappeared. He never really gave up the torch he carried for Qrow either, despite trying to move on.

After a talk he gave on a lesser known cult during the height of the Egyptian empire, Dr. Ozpin Newman approached him about a job as Head Archivist in Beacon Academy. He might not have accepted the position if he had already been tenured, but Barty had a shaky research position at the University of London, and Ozpin was offering a good contract. Despite knowing Beacon's reputation he agreed... no one could deny the credentials of a Head Archivist of a major academic institute, even one with ties to potential supernatural research.

It was there he is reunited with Qrow again and settled into his job, hardly questioning why Ozpin might want him... why he made such an excellent candidate for Archivist. He was determined to set the archives right after Maria Calavera's treatment of them, set on making a difference, trying hard to hold onto the belief that encounters – despite having been involved in two such events on his own – were rare.

Fear has a way of catching up, has a way of mutating you, as he was ensnared by The Eye, and caught up in a careful game of chess between Avatars. Guilt is acid in his veins as he loses his employees one by one to different entities. Scars began to pile. Secrets began to be revealed, whether the information merely curled out towards him, or a few careful worlds could force them from the lips of those he put question to.

Eventually he had to wonder if he was even really human anymore... when the voyeuristic statements of fear were far more nourishing to his body than food. But surely it's human to be willing to kill to protect Qrow and his people, to make the world right again?

So, that's kind of a basic write up. As for Grimm, I am currently toying with creatures that are far more horrifying than their base in RWBY. The Grimm are soulless manifestations of dangerous concentrations of fear given form, residual negative energies forming into mindless beasts able to be controlled and guided by their Avatars, provided that Avatar embraces its calling. Tools to reap yet more energy for the entities beyond the veil.

#recent history; headcanons #is anything really real anymore?; tma au #the archivist of beacon; tma #anything else you would like to inquire?; answered #becomestorm

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letmetellyouaboutmyfeels · 5 years

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I adore anything and everything Parker/Eliot related (platonic, familial, sexual, romantic, etc) so gimme headcanons! Favorite scene! Thoughts on the dynamic! Idk, whatever you want!

Ahaha well honestly what I was yelling at my friend about is my own personal headcanon that Eliot and Parker are both autistic.

I’ve headcanoned Parker as autistic and somewhere on the ace scale (ace, demi, etc) ever since I first watched the show, and now that I know more about autism I’m more convinced than ever, and I realized that Eliot being autistic not only explains things about him but also explains his bond with Parker over them being the same.

So, Eliot repeatedly talks to Parker about how they’re the same, and it’s so true. Eliot and Parker are constantly on the same wavelength. They can just look at each other and read each other’s minds. Which doesn’t detract at all from their relationship with Hardison, it’s just a different understanding.

I think that most people, in hearing and seeing this, assume that it’s because of Eliot’s and Parker’s trauma. But their trauma is completely different.

Parker had an abusive childhood, lost her brother at a young age, was an orphan on the streets, and struggled to connect with people emotionally.

Eliot did not have an abusive childhood, although when his relationship with his father wasn’t always sunshine and it built into a falling out when Eliot enlisted in the army at eighteen. His trauma comes from his time in the armed forces and as a hitman, adult trauma stemming from torture and murder.

We see this reflected in flashbacks. Parker’s flashbacks to her backstory are all of her as a child (blowing up her home, sitting with the therapist). Eliot’s are all of him as an adult (tied to a chair doing Russian Roulette, being experimented on with the sleep serum). Hardison and Parker actually have similar trauma, with Hardison’s experiences in foster homes, which they bond over in The Stork Job. So, if their trauma is not the same, then what is it that Eliot is saying is similar about them? They had to do different things to survive, so what is the connection?

The connection seems to be how they see the world. But how do they see the world? Eliot repeatedly acts in a manner to Parker of “I’ve been where you are, I’ve been who you are,” but their backstories don’t match. So it has to be in how they interact with the people around them, separate from the events that shaped them.

And how does Parker see the world?

Parker:

Avoids eye contact unless it’s people with whom she’s comfortable,

Is highly sensitive to textures (rubbing money on her face) and will show an unusual interest in sensory aspects of materials (how it smells),

Finds patterns that others miss (as talked about in her discussion with Nate on the roof in the series finale),

Likes counting and repetition and will engage in repetitive gestures when alone,

Doesn’t like being socially interactive and works best with a script, not good at improv, and will compartmentalize aspects of her personality (Alice, Intern Parker) to help get herself into a proper mental state/compartmentalize aspects of her life and social interactions,

Shows little or no interest in people and doesn’t generally enjoy it,

Responds inappropriately in regards to humor (doesn’t get jokes, finds things funny that others find concerning or upsetting),

Has difficulty understanding slang expressions, metaphors, when she’s being teased or ridiculed by strangers,

Fails to predict probable consequences in social events,

Doesn’t seem to understand when a person doesn’t know something,

Needs an excessive amount of reassurance when things are changed or go wrong,

Doesn’t like her routines being altered,

Attaches very concrete meanings to words,

Talks about a single subject (thieving) excessively,

Has an excellent memory,

Repeats words or phrases others say, and repeats them out of context,

Speaks about herself in the third person at times,

Couldn’t read facial expressions as a child and had inappropriate emotional reactions to things as a child (as seen in the flashback with her therapist),

And

Will say things in a flat monotone or extremely loudly and doesn’t always seem aware of it.

I could go on. But these are all signs of autism, signs that Parker routinely and repeatedly displays. And autism explains all of Parker’s behavior that her trauma and backstory doesn’t. Parker has issues like all the team does, but frankly, as someone who’s been through a lot of the shit the team’s been through and has witnessed people going through a lot of the shit the team’s been through, Parker’s idiosyncrasies don’t come from her backstory.

Her distrust of people, her fear of being heavy with the weighted boots because “being light and quick is how I survived,” her risking herself to save the children in The Stork Job, her talks of pretzels with Hardison because she wants to take things slow, her anger at the fake psychic, her talk with Dodgson in The White Rabbit Job, those all come from her backstory. From her experiences.

But her “twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag”? That’s not from her experiences. That’s just who Parker is. And that’s only explained by her being neurodivergent.

So. Parker is autistic, and clearly had nobody to teach her how to relate to the world and how to understand people. Everyone in the team realizes this, although I think Eliot is the only one who realizes she’s autistic because she’s like him (“we’re the same, we’re not like the others,” he tells her when they’re in the ice cave), and if the others on the team suspect, they never say it out loud, they just treat her individual needs individually, which I think was really the best course to take. Hardison exhibits patience. Sophie explains people. Nate hones her natural skills.

But Eliot? Eliot says I understand. I’m like you, you’re like me. We’re the same.

And that means Eliot is also autistic.

Which you can see in his behavior. Eliot gets upset when his routines are threatened. He displays hyper awareness and an ability to pick out patterns that nobody else can, as shown by his “it’s a very distinctive ____” catchphrase. He has an ability to mentally compartmentalize, like Parker, only with Eliot it scares him because he uses that to “do what has to be done” and that’s often violence. He has a hyperfixation on a particular subject (cooking) just like Parker and gets frustrated when people don’t understand/appreciate that subject. He’s good with people in certain contexts that he’s rehearsed (picking up a one night stand, brothers in arms) but less good when he has to improvise, and hates improvising. He displays an unusually high amount of empathy and is focused on facts and truth, to the point where he’ll argue with Nate about it (the politician in The Gimme a K Street Job, the small town in The Low Low Price Job) and he hates, HATES, when people lie to him because he’s always honest, honest to his own detriment. He was drawn to the army, which is all about rules, routine, and regulations, and worked as a hitman where he undoubtedly had a boss calling all the shots, and where he can hyperfocus on another one of his chosen subjects of interest.

Eliot, however, grew up in a fairly steady and loving environment and is clearly farther along than Parker in understanding how his brain works versus how the rest of the world works. So he mentors Parker in “us versus them,” and gives her a place of understanding.

Eliot knows what behaviors are acceptable and what aren’t. What he has to tamp down and suppress and what he can let loose. He’s learned to adjust, and to hide, but as an autistic person who didn’t get diagnosed and didn’t realize until recently that she was autistic, I can vouch for the fact that you do adjust, you do learn to hide, and you can make it through the world without ever quite understanding why you’re different from other people, you just know that you are, and it’s scary and frustrating and alienating.

And so Eliot sees that Parker is like him, and so he tries to teach her what he had to learn on his own, probably the hard way. And if you ask me, that explains all of Parker’s behavior, and a lot of Eliot’s.

Now, this is a headcanon and if other people disagree, that’s totally fine! But that was something I went WAIT A FUCKING SECOND over while doing this rewatch, and personally, that’s how I’m going to see those two.

#mads answers things #leverage #leverage meta #parker meta #eliot spencer meta #amandaflynns

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jewpacabruhs · 4 years

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hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about.

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do.

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it.

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally.

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!

#txt #mine

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