#but Dean HAS brought up how Sam is not at fault for the apocalypse AND swan song WAS a moment of respect from him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ididit-allofit-foryou · 2 months

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RIP to my friend nixie. they stopped watching SPN after season 11. and asked about the finale. i wanted to immortalize what i sent (which includes a recap of seasons 12-15 so they would Understand.) so. read on if you wish, this monstrosity is going under the cut lol

so. in season 12 lucifer possesses the president of the united states (dont worry about it) & impregnates one of the president's staff members who was banging the president behind closed doors, republican Kelly Kline. through a series of events, cas winds up being the Adoptive Father. kid is born, but he had opened a rift to a different alternate universe the show so eloquently named 'apocalypse world'. it is a world where sam & dean were never born. through Another series of events, team free will PLUS mary winchester (yeah shes back from the dead, amara brought her back, dont worry about it lol) & cas tries to kill lucifer. he thinks he did, comes back through , and hes like there for .02 seconds before lucifer pops through & stabs cas. cas dies. mary beats up lucifer with angel brass knuckles or whatever & they fall through the rift & it closes. they are trapped there. at this exact moment, jack kline (kelly kline & lucifer/mr. president's baby) is being born. sam runs into the house to Check On That. dean however, falls to his knees next to cas's body & looks up desperately to the sky. (the cw said Not to read into this. it means Nothing. destiel who?!) also kelly died in child birth. bc spn Hates women.

thats the end of season 12.

season 13, we have jack. he popped out a fully fledged like. 19? 20? 21 year old?? bc his mom said he would have to Grow Up Fast. dean wraps cas's body in a curtain. alone. and is like crying & devastated. the bois and jack burn cas's body & dean looks like he wants to off himself (& he tries to in like. the next episode but Death brings him back). (also sorry im sooo bad at summary lol). we have the Widower Arc where dean bargains with a silent god to bring back cas, but Nothing. and dean is just fucking depressed as all shit. suddenly! cas is back!! BECAUSE jack heard dean yelling at sam about how its jacks fault cas is dead bc when jack was a fetus he showed cas a Vision of how he could bring Paradise On Earth if they allowed him to live (they wanted to kill him bc. like. Spawn Of Satan & all that). so jack uses his Powers™️ & brings cas back from the dead! yay!! a lot of other shit happens & the Empty (which is like. the Entity that encases all the angels & demons when they die, & where cas was when he was dead) Does Not Like that cas escaped. so, it wants to take jack to get back at cas. cas is like 'no fuck off thats my son lets make a deal. take me back instead' & the empty is like 'ok bitch 2 can play that game. i WILL take you. but ONLY when you experience a Moment Of True Happiness™️'. & cas is like 'bet.' bc! hes a depressed mf & figures it would take a Miracle to make him Truly Happy. (pls keep this in mind, its a surprise tool for later). ummm so yeah season 13.

season 14 had like. ANOTHER fucking michael/lucifer arc but it was Stupid. dean said yes to michael like the angels wanted in season fucking 4 & 5. & i dont Totally remember the plot but like. dean has michael trapped in a box in his mind & wants them to?? fucking?? put him in a warded coffin & chunk it in the ocean?? so michael will never hurt the world again?? also--its like. AU michael. and also mary is okay, & we get AU bobby & AU charlie & a lot of shit happens. anyway.

season 15: we get the Divorcr Arc™️!! dean & cas fight!! bc guess what? jack accidentally killed mary!! (yes! she died AGAIN!!) bc! he didnt know how to control his powers! & dean blames cas! so cas Leaves in a big dramatic breakup scene. we also find out that god (aka chuck) has been like. controlling Everything?? & free will Doesnt Exist?? & dean has a crisis & we get cas saying 'dean, you asked what about all of this is real. We Are.' (which we were apparently sooo crazy to read into!!) & also!? chuck brings back ALL the monsters salmon dean ever killed?? and rowena sacrifices herself to save the world! but! dont worry! she is now thenQueen Of Hell™️ & fucking THRIVING! anyway, season progresses, we get purgatory 2.0 and dean & cas are separated & dean lITERALLY GETS DOWN ON HIS OLD MAN KNEES TO PRAY TO CAS AND APOLOGIZE AND SAY HE FORGIVES HIM!! & then. a bit later. chuck starts poofing away Everyone On Earth bc he wants to destroy the multiverse. and also? death wants to kill dean i forget why. oh yeah! i think he stole her Death Book or whatever to try and see how to kill god. anyway. we have episode 15x18. Thee Episode of All Time. it starts with AU charlie and her gf. they are making eggs and vibing and all of a sudden her gf goes Poof. then sams gf Eileen goes Poof. so they round up as many friends as they can & put them in a warded place but they all go Poof. so sam is with the friends when this happens & also jack. and dean & cas have gone to the bunker to Fight Death. and. so. get ready for this. death shows up. she (yeah billie the reaper became death btw. long story) she starts to like. squeeze deans heart to kill him with magic. cas helps dean run through the bunker away from her. they get to the dungeon. death is literally banging on the door which cas had cut his palm to ward with a sigil of his blood with a knife he pulled from deans back pocket. (again: he cut his palm--another Surprise Tool For Later). deans like 'im so sorry man, we should have stayed with sam. shes gonna get in here, and shes gonna kill you, then shes gonna kill me' & cas is like 'well theres one thing strong enough to stop her' & he starts telling dean about the deal he made to save jack (yep, he never told him). and he says 'i always wondered what would break that curse. but i think i know now' & he. he fucking. he starts a speech about how he knows how dean sees himself, as a killer, a monster, daddys blunt instrument driven by anger, just like his enemies see him. BUT cas says dean is Not that. he says dean is 'the most caring man, the most loving man on earth' & deans like freaking out & is like 'why are you telling me all this? why does this sound like a goodbye??' & cas says, crying, but smiling, 'because it is' & then!! cas!! says !! 'i love you' !!!!!!!!! &&&&& death breaks down the door!! && the empty is materializing behind dean! & dean says 'dont do this cas!' & cas grabs deans LEFT SHOULDER WITH HIS BLOODY PALM! & says 'goodbye dean' & shoves him out of the way!! & the empty grabs cas!! && death!! & takes them away!!!!!! && dean is like!! freaking the fuck out sitting on the flooor with tears in his eyes!! && we cut to like. a bit later. hes Still there, crying, head in his hands, as his phone rings on the floor--its sam. end of the world, sam is calling, & he doesnt answer. we end the episode to deans crying. LIKE FUCK!!!!

15x19: they defeat god. jack like. absorbed him?? & he became god?? & then fucked off to do godly duties!? and did Not bring cas back????

(there are Theories that Chuck Won &thats why the next episode is so fucked and i Have To Agree)

15x20: okok. i fucking HATE THIS FUCKINGEPISDORNFMDNFNDNFNDBDND

anyway. so. cas is Not in the episode. at All. we have sam & dean? driving??? & there are like at LEAST 2 very Bad montages of random scenes that dont even make sense. sam & dean go to a pie eating festival. sam shoves pie in deans face. they Thengo on a case. its vampires. theres a vamp from like. season 2?? who was a minor charachter?? but they brought her back?? why??? idk. and. so. dean gets impaled on a rusty rebar nail during the fight scene in thr barn. he gives sam a long ass speech. they ?? touch foreheads for some reason??? && dean wont let sam get help??? & sam is like 'if cas were here...' & deans like 'yeah well he isnt.' like??? && then deAN FUCKING DIES??? && GOES TO HEAVEN??? && BOBBY IS THERE??? AND APPARENLY FUCKING ABUSIVE ASS JOHN LIVES DOWN THE ROAD??? && dean asks bobby 'so jack did all this?' (as in revamping heaven so people can be all together instead of separate like it used to be) & bobbys like 'well, cas helped' & then dean smiles, then goes?? & rides his car!?? bc his car is in heaven????? && we just see him driving interspersed with clips of sam on earth, burning deans body, and grieving dean, and later sam gets a blurry wife, we dont see who she is, and he has a son?? and he named him dean!? whixh we know bc the kid has on overalls that say 'dean' on them??? & then sam gets old and sits in the impala & cries while wearing a wig that looks like its from fucking party city?? then sam is on his death bed and his son is there?? && theres all these pictures around him of himsefl and dean & mary & john but?? no wife!? ans also!!? noone else like their friends?? & then sam dies & carry on my wayward son plays for like the second time in the episode. and we see dean on a bridge in heaven, he finally stopped driving & is staring off into the distance. and then he hears something behind him & smiles & we all thought 'CAS???' but NO its fuckingSAM somehow young again like whendean died?? & theylike. hug. and then it pans out & all the cast & crew are there?? and they say thank you to us for watching?? and then ?? its over?????? like Awhta thWHAT THE FUCK

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spiritmunie · 1 year

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Decided to post a sneak peak of my divorce arc wip to see if anyone is interested. But even if nobody is interested I'm still writing it anyway, albeit much more slowly, because I'm having way too much fun with it.

Long Leave

Summary: (Set during the divorce arc, based around the 15x06 episode Golden Time)

Depressed and missing Cas terribly, Dean impulsively tracks down his location and follows him to the lake in Wyoming. When he sees that Cas is on a hunt, he pretends to have stumbled on the same case, a lie which escalates into him shacking up in Cas’ newly bought fishing cabin.

It was approximately 2 months and 13 days since Cas left the bunker when Dean finally snapped.

Dean knows he’s been spiraling lately. Hell, he’s already been spiraling through every possible apocalypse for the past decade, so it’s only fitting that they've culminated in God turning out to be a sicko who wants to see him kill his own family members as some weird, voyeuristic form of entertainment. And isn’t that just the cherry on top of the shitshow that is his life? Dean never thought he’d come across a threat that could actually break him, but. He’s well and truly broke now. How in the world is he supposed to fight a god that can control his actions, his words, and maybe even his thoughts? He tries not to linger too long on that last one- his spirit's overburdened enough, even without the existential horror of his thoughts not being his own.

Cas' decision to ditch them definitely didn’t help his sanity either, which Dean knows was mainly his own fault, but it’s not like he was gonna stop the guy when he clearly wanted so badly to leave.

And considering everything that went down with Jack, well. That was Cas’ kid right? Of course being around Sam and Dean would only serve as a horrible reminder of what they both did to him. Dean thinks Jack was his own kid too, for a while at least, but he knows he doesn’t deserve to call him that anymore.

Despite what happened with Mary, he can’t help but mourn for Jack. They were supposed to look out for him, to give him a better future than any of them ever had. But now he’s gone, and Mary’s gone, and Rowena’s gone, and because of Chuck soon everyone Dean has ever cared about is going to meet some sick, twisted ending no matter how hard he tries to stop it.

He wonders if there’s anything left worth fighting for after that.

The question swam around in Dean’s head as he wallowed for weeks in self isolation, watching Scooby Doo on repeat and refusing to come out of his room even when Sam brought up potential cases. It followed him even as he stood up one day, checked the bunker cameras for Cas’ license plate number, ran it through his laptop, and without leaving a note or message for Sam, took the Impala and drove straight towards that butt-ugly pickup truck’s last spotted location.

Around halfway there, it finally registers that he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing or what he's going to do when he gets there.

He hadn’t gotten that far in his train of thought. The day before he drove off he’d just been thinking about what Cas said to him, about how “you and Sam have each other.”

Sure, Sam was his brother and they always had each other’s back, but for most of their lives it was just them, an exhausted unit of two that was bound to wear out on their own. Cas was his best friend, the only other person he could trust to have his back and make him laugh with his dorky, straightforward antics.

And Dean misses him. He misses him a lot. He pretends like he doesn’t need people, but even Sam knows that his decision to keep bringing him back from the dead is because he can’t stand being alone. God knows he’s been so lonely his entire life.

So yeah, he’s being selfish again.

Dean knows he’s being selfish, and after everything that happened, Cas probably doesn’t ever want to see him again.

Drawing close to the next highway exit, he pulls over to the right, meaning to turn back towards the bunker. But then he thinks, Cas is one of the only people he has left. And he openly defied Chuck’s will right in front of the man. If anything, he should at least check up on him to make sure he hasn’t been killed.

This is simply a matter of doing the right thing, Dean tells himself as he changes to the left lane, merging back into the fast-moving stream of traffic.

Standing just a few yards away from a certain dull truck, achingly and painfully familiar in all its nonexistent glory, Dean takes back all of his previous confidence.

This was definitely not the right thing to do.

What in the world is he supposed to say when Cas sees him?

Hey, uh, fancy seeing you here. Oh, what am I doing here? Well, I’ve been doing fine without you as you can see, since I’ve decided to drive all the way up here like some sort of crazy stalker!

Not some sort of stalker. Dean is being a crazy stalker right now.

At least Cas had decided to only move a couple states over, instead of fleeing all the way across the country to get away from him. Part of Dean hopes it’s because he didn’t want to stray too far away from the bunker, in case there was an emergency and they needed his help. Not that it’s a necessarily good reason to stay close by, but Dean will take what he can get.

A more likely reason is that Cas simply didn’t want to waste gas, and this place was a damn beautiful area to live in. Dean’s seen a lot of American landmarks in his time, but it still took his breath away to see the Grand Teton mountains arching over him, their majestic peaks reflecting off the crystal clear waters of Jenny Lake.

Anyway, back to the point. Dean needs to get the fuck away from this car as soon as possible. He can make sure Cas is okay, but that doesn’t mean that Cas has to see him. He’ll just… watch him from a distance or something.

Like that makes him any less creepy.

Panic starting to set in, Dean turns around in a circle to map out what his best escape route would be.

Cas’ truck is currently parked next to a fishing supply store on one side of the road, so it's probably safer if he goes to the other side of the road where the sheriff’s department is, that way there's less of a chance he'll bump into him.

Dean moves around the truck and starts crossing the street just as the door to the sheriff’s department jingles and Cas steps out into the open air, looking harried as he clutches a bundle of files to his chest.

Dean stops in the middle of the road and stares at him.

Cas stops and stares back.

He fumbles with the files in his arms. They tumble to the ground, fanning out in a scattered mess. Wind picks up at the edges of the paper and threatens to blow them away.

Dean jerks forward on instinct to help with the mess, but he stops himself at the last second. This could be his last chance to escape while Cas is distracted with collecting the files.

But Cas doesn’t so much as stoop to pick them up, opting instead to keep staring at him in shock.

“Dean?” He mutters to himself, like he doesn’t believe the person standing in front of him is actually real.

Dean’s chest tightens, and caught with nowhere else to go, he silently steps forward. So much for escaping.

In order to stall confrontation for just a few more seconds, he decides to gather some of the spilled contents of the files before they can fly away. A once-over glance at the police reports and photographs of dead bodies tells him that Cas is working on a case. That, and the fact that Cas has gone trench coat-less, which Dean only realizes once he looks back up to find Cas still staring at him.

“Dean.” Cas says breathlessly, still in that disbelieving tone of voice. He pauses then, seemingly trying to pull himself together, and Dean uses that moment to finally take all of Cas in. His eyes flick from his suit, to his hands, to his blue tie, to his pants, to his shoes, and then finally up to his face, the intensity of their gazes locking shooting tremors down his spine.

He suddenly thrusts forward the few files he had already gathered. Their corners jab Cas in the arm in Dean’s haste to give them to him.

“Uh,” Dean rasps out. “Here.”

That seems to break Cas out of his dazed spell, since he stops to take the files from Dean and drops down to gather the rest. He moves quickly to ensure that none of them are lost, and soon all of the files have made their way back into his arms. He stands straight once he's finished, back stiff as he slowly turns to face Dean once again.

Neither of them seem to know what to say, so they end up staring at each other for an excruciating long time, each of them waiting for the other to say something first.

#my writing

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red-hood-vigilante · 1 year

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Also speaking of the Trials, that moment when Dean brought up past mistakes from years ago that sam made that he should atone for in the church, good grief I know family ties can be complicated but there have been a few times when I really wanted sam to deck dean and just go on a vacation away from him, and this was one of those moments (one of many if I'm being honest)

It feels like Dean is always judging sam for past 'mistakes' and has never fully forgiven him even after he says that he has, but he has no issue moving past other people's transgressions. Like I don't agree that Sam is fully to blame for the apocalypse since the angels and demons AND dean had a hand in it but no one ever mentions anyone else, just the role sam played in it. I don't understand how anyone considers dean blameless for breaking the first seal, but then they put all the blame on sam for breaking the last seal as if he wasn't manipulated in to it (I don't know if cas ever apologised to sam for for his role in manipulating him but I really bloody hope so)

Dean eventually just came off as so self righteous and high and mighty that for the life of me I couldn't figure out why anyone even liked his character anymore, except for his looks. I imagine he does have some redeeming moments but not nearly enough to justify the writers turning spn into more about Dean than both brothers

omfg i will be aggravated about dean's "list of sam's wrongdoings" until the day i die 💀💀how did he say that with his chest and zero shame istg every single thing he pulled out of his ass were things that either a) weren't sam's fault because it was outside of his control b) something he was lied to about and/or manipulated into doing or c) a combination of the two

AND whenever sam's past is brought everybody conveniently leaves out the part about how he sent lucifer back to hell at the expense of himself to be tortured for all eternity and accepted this as punishment of simply existing as lucifer's vessel which was never a thing he could control to begin with!! angels flat out said multiple times that letting lucifer out of hell to fight adam was a plan they set in motion long long time ago

speaking of angels. castiel. my guy in a dirty trenchcoat. how are you gonna blame sam for making the wrong choices when you kept vital information under wraps for an entire year - information that would help sam make an informed decision

i think for dean, not many knew he broke the first seal, i think only sam and the angels knew + some demons but no human side characters, while sam breaking the final seal became pretty public knowledge through word of mouth after lucifer's release. in addition, sam being lucifer's vessel, being prophesized as the next boy king to rule hell and having demon blood in him made all the "good guys" despise him bc in the eyes of angels and many hunters, sam was closer to demon than human. to some degree, being on the outside here not knowing the full picture i get the fear and anger directed specifically at sam way more than dean but in that case, dean and castiel should've helped lift sam's spirits and ease his guilt by acknowledging their own part in lucifer's comeback, even when they too were manipulated and lied into doing it.

dean does indeed have his moments but they are unfortunately few and far between post-kripke and it's such a shame that they wrote dean the way they did bc the charm and core of the show is the complicated, flawed and dysfunctional yet compelling, believable and caring relationship between the brothers. writers post-kripke were so often close to saying something or having a breakthrough with dean and/or sam but somehow avoided that every time the opportunity arose, which is kinda impressive actually, and lost a lot of what made the characters and by extension the show so intriguing to begin with

#supernatural #iben spoke #dean critical #sam winchester #dean winchester

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ambersock · 1 year

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Sam Winchester Appreciation Week 2023 | Day 6 | Fav' moment with another character: Sam and Mary

All the things we should've said (AO3)

“Donatello's in this because of me. A police officer is dead because of me. I'm the one who let Nick go, I'm the one who…” Sam looks heavenward in anger and grief. “What was I thinking?”

Mary looks at Sam, really looks at him in a way she hasn’t since she came back.

She’d kept a distance between Sam and herself for a long time, and it was more than just the fact that she had only known him as a baby, that she was gone before he had even developed the idea of permanence. And it was more than the guilt she’s carried around with her for dooming him to years, decades, of suffering because of her deal to save John. Ever since she’d returned, Sam has treated her like the perfect mother he imagined her to be, something that she knows she couldn’t live up to, and she just couldn’t face his disappointment.

Except… she was wrong. It’s not that Sam has been projecting his ideal vision of a mother onto her. This is just how he actually sees her, as the best version of herself, even knowing all of her flaws and despite everything that’s happened to him because of her rash decisions. Because that’s how Sam sees everyone.

She wishes Sam could see himself that way, too. Even with how much time they’ve been apart for the past couple of years, with the hunting and the time she was stuck in Apocalypse World, Mary hasn’t missed the anger and the criticism hurled at Sam, people he loves lashing out at him when they’re under stress and there’s no one else to blame. She knows how she’d react if it was her on the receiving end: she’d chew them a new one. Several new ones. Maybe deck them for good measure. Dean gets that from her. But that’s not Sam; he takes on their pain, never reflecting it back, never projecting his own onto anyone else, just absorbing it all like a sponge. And when he becomes saturated, it comes out like this, turning that pain inward into self-loathing. It kills her when he does this to himself.

What Sam never gets to see is the whispered respect, awe even, amongst other hunters he’s lead. The amazement on Dean’s face when Sam makes that mental connection that everyone else missed. How Jack looks up to him. Mary’s own admiration for his uncanny ability to make everyone around him want to be better. Yet he’s focused entirely on building everyone else up while tearing himself down. It’s about damn time someone tells Sam what he needs to hear, build him up for a change, and maybe Mary has been far from an ideal mother, but this is something she can do for him.

“You gave him a chance because you felt for him… because you're a good man.”

Sam looks away in disbelief, down in self-deprecation. Mary wants so badly to get through to him, make him see that this is a strength, not a fault. She pulls out her secret weapon, the Mom Voice, the one that demands full attention and brooks no argument.

“You are.” Sam’s eyes lock onto hers and focus. “It's one of the reasons I'm so proud of you.”

The truth of it hits home, something in Sam releases its hold, and a corner of Sam’s mouth tweaks upwards in a ghost of a smile.

If Mary ever needed any reason or justification for being brought back, this would be more than enough.

#samwinchesterweek #2023

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wilsonthemoose · 1 year

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Lay Down Your Weary Tune

(also on Ao3)

Contrary to popular belief, there are signs.

The bone-deep feeling of not belonging. The almost irrepressible urge, when you see a packet of razor blades, to swallow it whole. The ache that comes from a lack of true purpose. That feeling of nothingness that comes from something missing in you.

Contrary to popular belief, there are signs that you're already dead.

It's been three years.

Dean hasn't brought up Ruby or the demon blood or the almost-end-of-the-world.

Three years and Sam has mostly stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop except sometimes perhaps when they fight and Dean's angry enough to list all of Sam's biggest failures. He never does go beyond 'left for Stanford' and this many years away from it, the betrayal holds less of a sting than it did before.

It's been three years. Give or take. Things are alright.

Dean makes jokes at truckstops and Sam tries to ignore the nagging in the back of his mind that Dean's made that joke before. Tries to chalk it up to deja vu. Tries to chalk it up to knowing Dean so well that everything he says sounds familiar.

The cases have a similarly nagging repetition to them. The skinwalkers and shapeshifters, demons and restless spirits.

The small towns and the motels, their one-week homes. The diners and the disobliging sheriffs.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, something twitches. Something nags. He doesn't want to examine it too closely.

"Driver picks the music," Dean says, "shotgun shuts his cake hole."

Sam laughs.

Things are alright.

A reflected shaft of light passes over the chalkboard he's only pretending to read. Really, his eyes are on the half-dead girl staring reproachfully at him from behind the counter.

Her hair is greasy and her breathing shallow. Skin discoloured to a sickly grey-yellow.

"I'll have the pancakes and a coffee," Dean tells the waitress.

Sam orders a sandwich.

The girl eventually disappears.

Sam tests Dean sometimes. Asks questions, springing them at inopportune moments, hoping to startle a reaction from Dean. "Remember Ruby?"

"Huh?" Dean asks, genuinely confused. Then, teasing and guileless, "You know I can't keep track of your girlfriends, Sammy." Any sting the words carry is not Dean's fault.

In the passenger seat with his head throbbing, arms and back sore, and covered in damp dirt, Sam can't stop himself, "remember Lilith? And the 66 seals and–"

"Who– Sam are you alright?" Dean asks, turning towards him in concern. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Two," he says flatly. "Dean, don't you remember? The horsemen and the apocalypse and– I'm not concussed, Dean." he sighs in frustration. "No the lights aren't bright, no I'm not dizzy," he counts down another several symptoms of concussions that he's not experiencing.

"Jeez, you sound angry," Dean says, allayed at last, "Irritation. That's a symptom."

He provokes Dean sometimes. Talks about Lisa and Ben.

Dean gets a faraway look in his eyes, "wonder how they're doing." he mutters, mostly to himself.

Guilty, Sam doesn't provoke again for another few weeks when he brings them up again and shouts about how badly Dean screwed up there because you don't take that away from someone.

He brings up the demon blood.

Dean just has this blank look in his eyes. "What are you talking about, Sammy?"

Sam shakes his head.

It's been three years, he thinks, while his body dies in a Djinn's basement lair, and his brother searches abandoned buildings and warehouses, getting more and more frantic by the hour because it's been a week and he doesn't know if Sam's even alive anymore.

Contrary to popular belief, there are signs. The mind knows it's all a charade. It wants out.

Running after an escaping cannibal over the rooftops, this sudden urge to just keep going over the ledge.

It's been three years, Sam thinks, and finally connects it to whatever it was they were hunting way back when. That one case he can't remember solving.

Finally wonders if it was a Djinn.

The girl on the corner of the street stares at him. Her eyes never shift from his face, even as her head tilts to the side and comes to rest on her shoulder like a broken doll's head. Unblinking. Slowly, very slowly, her arms lift up over her head, ratty white sleeves slipping down as her limp wrists join together and cross. Her feet rise a foot from the ground. Finally, her eyes shut.

It's been three years, Sam thinks and makes Dean drive to Louisiana and finds himself in an empty factory, hanging by the wrists.

"Just couldn't leave it alone, could you, Sammy?" Dean says, disappointed.

Sam looks at himself, fluttering eyelids, ragged breathing, and emaciated face.

He looks down at his own wrists, red bruises appearing there and fading again like light from a street lamp in a speeding car.

"I don't get what the dream was," Sam admits, cold. "Just this life? Dirty motels and near-death experiences?"

Dean smiles sadly, "You're clean here, Sam," he tells him. "There's no demon blood in you."

Such a big change, and he never truly believed it. Wanted it so badly it registered as his greatest desire to the Djinn; more than any pie-in-the-sky fantasy of a white picket fence or his parents in the house in Lawrence. Yet he never truly believed it.

"You can stay, Sam." Dean tells him, softly. Like he's granting permission.

These are probably the signs.

This figment that looks like his brother telling him to let go, to take the easy way out.

Dean would shout and rage, he'd never let Sam give up, much less try to convince him.

"Sammy, it's time to let go," Dean says but it isn't Dean. "You're so tired, Sam, you can rest now."

Sam tries to wake up. Tries to get back to his brother.

It's just that it's been a week now and he's been hanging by bruised, infected wrists in the chilled basement of a monster's lair. He wakes himself out of that soft dream only to die with his toes almost touching the floor and his arms numb from pain.

Possibly, just before he closes his eyes, there's Dean cutting him down and laying him gently on the floor, telling him he'll be alright.

He can't be sure.

It's a beautiful thought though.

#sam winchester #sam winchester fic #sam and dean #supernatural #supernatural fic #spreading holiday joy 0:)#For christianabbot421 and all the other totally legitimate accounts :]#hellsite keeps removing my link #suicidal thoughts #tw suicidal thoughts #fic #mine #Fic tag

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sarah-dipitous · 6 months

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Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 303

Beat the Devil

“Beat the Devil”

Plot Description: with some involuntary help from Lucifer, Rowena is finally able to open a rift to apocalypse world. But the journey there has dire consequences

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: the only thing that died was the rift with….not enough or not strong enough archangel grace from Gabriel

That dream sequence with Mary and Jack back in the bunker was cruel though. So I guess Sam’s happiness also died a little when he woke up

I get Sam’s reluctance to go try to get some of Lucifer’s grace but with Gabriel’s failing, what choice do you have? Michael and Raphael are dead over here

Gabriel and Rowena are an underrated scene sharing team. Omg they’re checking each other out. Honestly if two characters were going to hook up while the boys decide what to do about the fate of existence, it would be these two

Why is Rowena’s makeup always so gorgeous? The dark green eyeliner is stunning on her, bless the director for insisting on a close up of her eyes

It was difficult to get this with Meg jumping all over the place but LOOKS

Castiel averting his gaze after they caught Rowena and Gabriel fooling around 💀 relatable

Lmaooooo Lucifer having to meet up with two people he reeeeeeeeally thought he killed

I guess when there’s only one way you truly die, and the person who’s gonna do it is going to apocalypse world, it’s cool to stay behind with Lucifer

How is Cas some magical apocalypse world gps?

Fuck you, Lucifer. Bringing up what you put her through before breaking out of her magic handcuffs

Ohhhhhh, girly…..you just endangered the whole mission. Ohhhhh, babe, have you developed a conscience? Or at least a fondness for the boys?? You were about to leave…you could have left, but you’re staying to help them

Is it bad that I’m not fazed by this tunnel full of starved vampires?? Honestly, that one reminded me more of gollum than anything…there seems to be one following the group. Are they actually gonna get their own gollum??

I think if they’d gone through something like this earlier in the series before I got desensitized to a lot of this, it would have made me on edge

YO! I was not expecting to watch Sam get bitten and blood gush out of his neck

Cas telling Dean they don’t have time and can’t save Sam 😭😭😭

The change in Dean’s demeanor toward this poor girl…because it’s partially his fault they got caught up in the vampire mess

Noooooo, I mean, yessssss, they found Mary, but Sam’s absence is immediately noticeable.

I hate when Dean cries but at least Jensen is a pretty crier

Nooooooooooo…Lucifer saved Sam…and is the only thing holding a whole nest of vampires from tearing into Sam.

God. The horrible parallel of Lucifer saying he lifted Sam from the darkness and brought him into the light to Cas’s “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition” all the way back in season four

Its really not a hard decision though: go with Lucifer to where you were already planning on going OR get eaten by vampires…again

Jack was glad to see Sam 💖 but then Lucifer walks in seconds later

(I’ll do doctor who tomorrow)

#hellsite nostalgia tour 2023

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saving-people-haunting-things · 8 months

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I'm not one of the people who really hates late seasons, but like I definitely think there's been a downgrade in s12 and s13 (haven't watched s14 or s15 yet). Idk quite how to articulate why I feel this way, but I think it has something to do with how the story and the characters are presented. Like s12 and s13 have more stuff happening while also having far less substance.

In s1 it was mostly MOTW episodes, but every single episode you learned something new about the brothers and how it affected their relationship. That stays true for most of the early seasons. Then there started to be far more complex overarching plots like the Apocalypse in s4 and s5 or the MoC stuff in s9 and s10 and other things. I think the main thing that distinguishes them from s12 and s13 is how those arcs all contribute to Sam and Dean's characters and their relationship with each other.

Some people may dislike Carver era (I don't), but it did a really good job at having all of the conflicts (except for some of the angel stuff that was Cas' problem) circle back to the characters. The Trials were deeply interconnected with both Sam and Dean's mental states, and the MoC explored Dean's relationship with helplessness and anger and violence. That plot culminated in Sam letting the Darkness be released which proved Sam was lying in s9 when he claimed he wouldn't do extremely questionable things to save Dean. These seasons had more overarching plot but they all fit into building up the brothers' relationship.

S12 has three main plot lines: Mary, BMoL, and Lucifer/Lucifer's baby. The frustrating thing with s12 is that those plots all have potential. Lucifer being back was a great time to explore Sam's headspace, especially since they'd been forced to ally with Lucifer at the end of s11. They could've had personal moments, but instead they went for the grand "the devil possesses the president and sires a super powerful mindcontrolling baby" route which, yeah, is more dramatic, I guess, but it doesn't tell us anything new about Sam or build his relationships further. s5 had this through line about Sam's deep inner anger and resentment and how that connected to Lucifer. While possessed at the end of the season, Lucifer makes him kill a bunch of demons who've been helping him be controlled his entire life and he was scared but he also enjoyed it. That's what made his relationship with Lucifer interesting. s7 has a thing about Sam "letting him in" and s11 dances around that before he refuses to be his vessel again. In s12 Sam is much less angry with the world and in a far more stable place in his life, there's a lot to say about how he'd react to Lucifer now and what do they do with it? Pretty much nothing. He looks scared when he's around him. Yes, it's very good acting on Jared's part and I'm glad for the crumbs, but there just isn't the actual integral-to-the-plot substance that there was in earlier seasons.

And then the brought back Mary! I may be in the minority, but I actually really liked the whole actually Mary kinda sucked too thing. There were hints of it in earlier episodes (mostly 5x16), but it was interesting to see how the boys reacted to her. There was a lot of characterization information in their relationship with her. How Sam tended to get along with her better, but Dean seemed more inclined to reach out. Dean's childish dreams that maybe if his mom was around his life would be better were crushed as he realized that Mary wasn't anything like he thought he remembered her to be (and that she was actually far more like him, even in some less positive ways). Sam trying to play family peacekeeper, a position he'd never had to take before. It culminates in Dean realizing that he blamed Mary for everything that had gone wrong in his life (even if it wasn't totally her fault) then forgiving her for making the deal to save John because he understands her (anyone else think of the moment in s5 when Sam tells young John that he forgave his father for everything because he now understands what it's like to go through a loss that breaks you?).

That's the sort of stuff that I fell in love with Supernatural for. It tells you about the brothers and their relationship with each other and with other people. Their relationship with Mary could've been one of the most interesting things the show did, except they bungled it by mashing it together with the BMoL plot. Instead of developing more of Sam and Mary's relationship or making it so that Dean's confrontation at the end of the season seemed less abrupt, they focused far more on the increasingly-cartoonish BMoL enemies. And it's not like there was nothing there with that plot. There was potential for commentary on the good of the many vs the good of the few and the existence of good monsters and shades of gray, but instead they made them be evil British people who brainwash people and torture them for no fucking reason. They establish that most of the operatives were abused and manipulated only to kill them all anyway (a really bad look when your good guys are supposed to save people and believe that some "monsters" can be changed). What does "evil British people" tell you about Sam and Dean? It's briefly mentioned that Sam wanted to just follow orders and not lead sometimes but only in one conversation and it's never explored again. They just go "oh we can help people" then "whoopsie we were right and they actually were totally evil lets go kill them!"

And s13 has the whole Jack thing which could be an exploration of nature vs nurture but instead they try so hard to make the audience like Jack that the subject is just barely touched on. Sam is projecting onto him but never has any self-awareness of it, and Dean gets over his rational if very harsh reservations within a few episodes. What does that tell us about them? It could say a lot, but instead they're making a man in his late twenties act like a toddler for sympathy points. I actually like Jack, but I kinda wish he'd earned it more. Idk I still have a ways to go with s13, maybe they do start engaging with the themes they've hinted at more. I've liked how they've discussed Dean's depression which has been present in the show for a long time (s7 dealt with it a lot), and I also liked how in 13x04 Sam blew up with his feelings about how he felt that he didn't have a connection with Mary and his desperation for that is part of why he (rightly) has hope that Mary's still alive. The alternate universe where they don't exist also gives room to explore their places in their own world.

Idk I think there's lots of room to build on their characters even after thirteen seasons. I just hope that they go with what they have and stay grounded in how things inform their relationships instead of going for the flashy "wow look how cool/grand in scale this is!" choices like they did in s12.

#s12 #s13 #my commentary

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inexplicablyhigh · 1 year

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You don't understand YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

Adam wasn't supposed to be the original Michael vessel! He was only brought back as a backup! And then used as bait for Dean! But in the end he still ended up being the vessel! Even if he wasn't the perfect one! Michael still took him! Maybe because Michael no longer had a choice, Dean wouldn't say yes! So in the end Michael chose Adam! And they were supposed to start the apocalypse! To bring paradise! And Adam was promised his mother if he said yes! But then they we're thrown into the cage! Everything was turned upside down! What did Michael say to Adam?? That his plan failed? That he's locked away with the Devil in a cage? That he may never fulfill his promise and bring back his mother? And maybe they were hopeful at first! God will come down and free them, they will continue the plan! And then Castiel comes down! First sign of hope! But only takes away Sam's vessel! Now there's only Sam's soul left with Lucifer! And he's being tortured, he's being burned, skinned, mutilated in every way! It horrifying! Does Michael let Adam see it? Or does he decide against it? Does Michael even let Adam know of the situation? Maybe he does! And so the torture continues until Death comes down to take Sam's soul! 2nd sign of hope! Yet when Michael finds out Death won't take Adam's soul either? That Dean chose to save Sam over Adam? How does Michael even react? He brought Adam down into the cage, he promised paradise, he promised his mother, Adam has done everything he should've! Yet he's here, stuck in the cage! Sam is freed yet he remains! What doesn't Michael even say?? At the end of the day, it's partly his fault as well! For failing Adam! How betrayed and hopeless must Adam feel? And maybe Michael swears it's his duty to hold up to his promise! For paradise! But maybe Adam is already hopeless! They're stuck in the cage, and both opportunities to be saved, Sam had been chosen over him! What more is there to it? They're done! But Michael can't bear to see his failure like this! He tries to promise Adam freedom, but Adam had already decided his stance! But maybe, Adam still has bits of hope left. Michael is the only person he has now! And they make a truce! That they'll be there for eachother! Because they only have eachother now! And then Lucifer is freed! How must they feel now?? How must Michael feel? That Lucifer had been chosen to be freed over him? That now, they are truly alone in the cage! Last hope for rescue, and LUCIFER had been freed instead! This is it, it's just Adam and Michael now, alone! Only eachothers company! And their truce becomes stronger! Adam is truly the only person Michael has left!

I like to think they had to comfort eachother, each time Sam or Lucifer had been chosen over them. One can't let the other lose it, they can't let the other lose their hope! Because they only have eachother! They only have eachother!! They can't lose the last person they have!!!!

I'm so ill!!!!!! I'm so sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#AUGGHHHHHHH #PLEASE #GOD

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icefire149 · 3 years

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Certain parts of season 14 and 15 just rub me the wrong way. Everything about the shift when Mary dies again to set up conflict between Dean and Cas just doesn’t hit right. So here’s a new way I’d do it:

Jack still accidentally murders Mary, but after zipping around the Earth in a panic, he goes to Castiel. He has no fear that he’ll lose Cas over this. It’s Sam and Dean that he’s worried about. Especially Dean since he was horrible when he was born. Dean only more recently seemed like he really cared about him. He can’t mess this up. Jack brings Cas back to the house and explains what happened.

We know Cas is a strategist and his mind would be in overdrive, because of course the Winchesters weren’t going to be okay with any of this. Hell, he’s barely keeping it together. Mary was his friend. But, Jack is his child and responsibility. And he loves him too much to let him suffer. So he devises a plan: Nick was trying to summon Lucifer from the Empty. He was succeeding. Jack and Mary were trying to stop him and Lucifer obliterated Mary. Jack wasn’t quick enough but he was able to send Lucifer back into the Empty and in a rage killed Nick. Now Jack is panicking because it’s still his fault, but not his fault. It’s Nick and Lucifer’s. And Jack while being mostly soulless is still a bit hesitant to weave such a lie to their family, but he agrees. Cas reassures him that the Winchesters will be devastated, but they’ll understand better this way. As a family, all of them will be able to grieve and move on eventually. Because: Nick shouldn’t have done what he did. It was high tension and everyone was upset, and it was inevitable an accident happened. It was just a terrible accident.

Distraught, Jack asks if there’s anything they can do to fix things? If they can bring Mary back? If they had a body....maybe. This leads Jack to want to see Rowena to see if she could just bring Mary back. They decide to try, but stick to the story. Cas gets zapped back to his truck and Jack goes to Rowena. So we have the similar situation where Jack in a panic tries to force Rowena to fix things and she tries, but also still tips off the Winchesters. Still the magic doesn’t work and Jack is scared. Sam and Dean get to the house and are a mess trying to make heads or tails of the mess. Automatically the blame is on Jack. They’ve been worried about his soul. He must have gone completely dark side. And we’ll note that Dean is the one crawling out of his skin pacing and ranting. Sam is more withdrawn. Jack flies into Cas’ truck when he’s almost there. Cas goes into the house first. He tells Jack to wait in the truck. Cas bars the doorway with his body while he tries to explain the ‘tale’ Jack told him in the car and how devastated he is over Mary and terrified of what they, Sam & Dean, will do next.

Dean believes Cas. It’s Cas. His anger rolls into grief & tears. His mom died. How did he get here where he has to bury her again. Cas comforts Dean with soft touch and words. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry. Cas gives into his own grief a bit. It’s Sam that continues to stand there in quiet rage. It’s like his whole lifetime of trauma is torn open again. And now there’s this new angry wound that’s only festered since Amara brought Mary back. Yes, he should be grateful that he’s gotten to know her at all, but.....it was never right. She never stayed long enough to really know him. Emotionally her bond with Dean was always stronger. He was always just a fly on the wall. She was his mom too. And now...even Cas is crying more than him. When the hell was she ever anything to him? Sam’s anger spirals, but he’s trying to keep it down. He keeps going over the house there. Something about everything isn’t sitting right with him. There’s something off. He knows it.

So with the funeral and going home to the bunker, things feel flipped. Jack and Cas were most worried about Dean, but it’s Sam they should be worried about. Dean is angry and upset, but he’s not blaming Jack. He’s actually trying to be there for Jack. This development has Cas over the moon, because this is all he ever wanted. For them to be a family. While Dean fell into the cycle of his father’s anger when Cas died s12/13....this time he’s being what he/John should have been. And Sam is the one sinking into John’s cycle of anger. Sam’s the one drinking a bit more. He’s quiet, but there’s an anger that’s clearly there. He’s distancing himself from Jack and Cas. Eventually he blows up and admits that he blames Jack and his soullessness. For all they know he hurt her / let her get hurt purposely. Which gets Cas angry and Sam flat out admits that he doesn’t trust Cas’ word. Something feels off to him, and this isn’t the first time Cas has tried to go behind their backs. He has quite the history of it.

This causes Sam, Dean, and Cas to go at it yelling. Jack overhears some and blames himself for ruining everything again. He’s been nothing but trouble for their family. Maybe it would be better if he just left. So he does. This ties us back to Jack being manipulated by Heaven. Dean and Cas are out trying to find him. All ties back in to Jack goes home and finds Sam alone in the bunker. And it’s easy to fall back into the trust Jack has always had with Sam. He’s always had Jack’s back. And he manipulates Jack, telling him that they’ve worked out a spell to bring Mary back. They altered the malak box spell work to harness and focus Jack’s powers. It should be enough. Dean and Cas will be back any minute with Rowena. Jack eagerly believes him and does as he’s told. Jack gets in the box and he stares up at Sam nervous. Sam tells him that there’s nothing to worry about anymore. Cas told them everything. They can fix things now. And Jack looks at him confused, everything? Sam presses that yes, Cas explained how it was an accident. Jack breathes a sigh of relief and then crumbles into tears, how he didn’t mean to. He asked her to stop, but she wouldn’t give him a moment to breathe and then..it was an accident. He didn’t mean to hurt her. And cold as ice Sam goes, I know, and closes the lid. Locking the box.

It’s a while before Dean and Cas make it back. Jack has enough time to completely unravel in his grief, and anger, and realization that Sam lied and tricked him. Everyone keeps manipulating him and lying. Dean and Cas get back and start arguing with Sam. Just like in the show, Jack breaks out and leaves. Sam still goes into it explaining the truth he got from Jack. Cas LIED. He covered up Mary’s death. He’s known the truth all along. Dean refuses to believe Sam. He’s mistaken.

Things roll into Moriah and Jack makes it so no one can lie. And because of that the truth finally comes out of Cas’ mouth. And Dean breaks. He tells Cas that he’s dead to him. Cas leaves to look for Jack on his own. Dean’s fury goes in on Jack. He never should have gotten attached. Jack was always a monster. All of this rolls into Chuck’s return and manipulation. He pushes Dean to kill Jack. And the puzzle pieces click into place for Sam. He realizes how much this is all a game to Chuck. Chuck pulled the strings to make every bad thing that’s happened in his life happen just for his own entertainment: Mom, their childhood, dad’s shitty parenting, Jess, demon deals, demon blood, Dean going to Hell, Ruby, the apocalypse, visions, unanswered prayers, EVERYTHING..... Chuck’s newest episode of entertainment was causing Jack to accidentally kill Mary and have to live with the consequences of losing his only family over it. Sam’s anger goes directly into Chuck.

He needs to get to Dean. Meanwhile Dean finds Cas and Jack in the cemetery. Cas gets between them and tries to talk Dean down. Dean is shaking with fury. He’s never been this mad before. He hated Jack for being born and getting Cas killed, and then he grew to love the kid as family, and he hates him for making him feel this much. He killed his mom, and lied about it. Cas tries to explain that he was trying to protect all of them. He was trying to maintain their family. Dean coldly goes, there’s no family here to maintain. I’m a hunter. Saving people and hunting monsters is the family business, and....I see two monsters in front of me. And he holds the equalizer up, shakily. Jack sends Cas flying so he can approach Dean. He understands what Dean has to do. He accepts it and he’s sorry. Jack gets on his knees and waits. Dean can’t quite do it. He’s trying.

Sam and Chuck get there. Sam starts yelling how Chuck set this whole thing up. Chuck is trying to make Dean do this...for his own entertainment. And everything rolls back into what the actual show did. Dean can’t kill Jack and Sam shoots Chuck. Everything continues to roll similarly as s15 did, but the divorce arc is leaning heavily on Dean is angry about Cas betraying him.

#spn #save #i hope this makes sense because i haven't reread it yet. i'm just seeing these ideas tie together in a painful vision

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bi-bard · 3 years

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Acceptance - Dean Winchester Imagine (Supernatural)

Title: Acceptance

Pairing: Dean Winchester X Reader

Requested: No

Word Count: 3,095 words

Warning(s): death, violence, grieving, self-blame

Summary: (Season 5) Dean has seen people die before. However, when (Y/n) dies, he can't seem to accept it. He's stuck in a swirl of anger and pain and self-blame. He clings to everything that reminds him of them. In a moment of need, Gabriel steps in to help Dean take the final steps towards goodbye in the best way he can think of?

Author's Note: Any excuse to make Jensen sing, y'know? (Also, a few scenes have been changed just a bit from the original)

Here are links for the songs I used: First Song, Second Song, Third Song, Fourth Song, Fifth Song

Hey! I did a rewrite of the ending of Supernatural. It took a really long time to complete, so it would mean a lot to me if you check it out. Here’s a link! (it’s on my personal account)

------------------------------------

--Dean's P.O.V--

I blinked up at the motel ceiling. I knew I should get up. Go find a hunt, eat breakfast, research, even... I should just do something. I just couldn't.

I rolled onto my side and frowned. I knew (Y/n) wasn't going to just be there. But the empty spot still brought back a feeling of disappointment.

"Dean," I looked across the room. Sam was standing there with a frown on his face. There was a bag in his hand. Probably breakfast. "How are you feeling?"

I just shrugged.

It was like I was stuck in limbo. Everything was just slightly off and I didn't know what to do or how to get out of it.

We had other things to worry about. The apocalypse, Michael, Lucifer... all of it. The world was resting on our shoulders. But I couldn't help it. (Y/n) had been my world for years now.

We had been working on a hunt. It seemed like a sign of angels, so we knew it was going to be an intense fight.

Zachariah was there. He had tricked us.

With the hopes of- I was assuming- breaking my spirit so I would just relent to his mission, he took (Y/n) and killed them. The angel blade went perfectly through their chest. Straight through the heart.

Sam and I sat in the empty warehouse for probably hours. I held (Y/n) to my chest, crying and begging for them to come back.

Sam took over the responsibility for setting up the memorial for us to burn (Y/n)'s body.

I just watched, silently crying as I had to say goodbye to the one thing I let myself believe would be there forever. My forever. Burning in front of me. How cliche can you get?

No demon would make a deal. No one would do a favor. Cas couldn't even help me. (Y/n) was gone forever.

"Dean," Sam repeated. "It's not your fault-"

"They tried to get me to say yes," I cut him off. "One word would've saved (Y/n)'s life."

"But it would've-"

"Doesn't matter," I muttered.

It would've been the most selfish thing but if I could've had (Y/n) for just one more day, then I would deal with the consequences later.

Sam sat on the edge of the other bed, "I saw the ring. When I went to grab breakfast."

It wasn't a big ring. A simple band I found in a pawn shop. But it was beautiful and I had my hopes up. Once we stopped the apocalypse, I was ready to propose to (Y/n). We never got that far.

"I'm sorry," he added. "(Y/n) would've loved it."

"Thanks," I muttered. I felt tears in my eyes again. We would never know.

'Are you gonna-Dean?"

I stood up abruptly and started pulling on my jeans. My socks and shoes were next.

"I'm going for a drive," I said bluntly.

"Dean-"

"Please, Sam," I grabbed my leather jacket. "I... I need this."

Sam nodded, "Please don't do something stupid."

I nodded back and grabbed the car keys. I walked out to Baby, ready to jump in the driver's seat.

"Hi Deano," I jumped, turning around and seeing Gabriel standing by the trunk of Baby.

"I'm not in the mood for your crap, you winged son of a bitch," I snapped.

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not here because it's my ideal vacation. Someone called in a favor."

"Listen," I walked over to him, "I don't care what Sam told you but you're the last person who could help me-"

"You know the rules," Gabriel interrupted me loudly. "Play your role, learn your lesson. Good luck!"

"I swear, I will kill-"

Gabriel touched my forehead before I could finish my threat.

I looked around as it was suddenly much darker.

First was my surroundings. I was backstage... somewhere. Some random theatre that I didn't recognize.

Next was my outfit. I was in a button-up shirt with a button-up vest and some nice-ish pants. My shoes were scuffed to all hell like I wore them every day. I reached up. I was wearing a cap.

"What the hell," I looked over to see a ladder.

I walked over, feeling like this was the right way to go. I climbed up slowly, very aware of my lack of a gun or weapon.

I climbed into the booth, focusing more on silently sneaking than anything else.

"Oh, you again," I jumped, looking at the other side of the box.

"(Y/n)," I whispered.

It was (Y/n), definitely (Y/n). Oh my god.

"Will you just, please go away, I'm working," they waved me off. I heard piano starting. I looked out to the stage.

Everything froze. Gabriel popped up in front of me.

"Listen here, this isn't funny," I basically growled. "Why are you doing this?"

"Again, I was called in for a favor," Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Just follow your gut. It'll all fall into place. Like you've known it forever."

Gabriel was gone before I could say or do anything else.

(Y/n) was still staring at me. I took a deep breath. This was time with them. More time. Exactly what I asked for.

"Smart girl, eh?"

Ew. That was gross. I am never say anything like that again.

"Beautiful, smart, independent," I listed, leaning on the railing in front of me.

I couldn't help but think back to when I first started developing feelings for (Y/n). I like how the compliments seemed to make (Y/n) nervous.

(Y/n) rolled their eyes and went back to the journal they had been writing in.

"I've got no use for moonlight... or sappy poetry," I found myself singing quietly. I am never letting Sam tell me that I am a bad singer ever again. "Love at first sight's for suckers... at least it used to be."

I studied (Y/n)'s face. I smiled to myself. I just want to hold them again.

"The girls are nice, once or twice, 'til I find someone new," I continued. "But I never planned on someone... like you."

Just as the music on stage started, the surroundings started to change. I panicked.

"(Y/n)," I yelled, reaching for them.

They were gone and I was left in a much fancier room. Bright lights and gold and red. I was in a suit. A full suit. I looked over at (Y/n), who was in all black.

Moulin Rouge. (Y/n) loved this movie and carried a copy of it in their bag. Some motels had DVD players, so we could watch it. I never wanted to admit it but I liked sitting with (Y/n), listening to them quietly sing along to it.

Oh, to be able to do that again.

Just open your mouth a go with it, I thought. It was (Y/n). Anything would be better than nothing.

"My gift is my song..."

Belting Elton John. Not my normal style but... nothing about this was.

"And this one's for you," I continued. I took slow steps toward (Y/n).

They grinned softly, raising an eyebrow at me.

"And you can tell everybody this is your song," I slowly grabbed (Y/n)'s hand. They looked down at our hands and smiled. "It may be quite simple but now that it's done... I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words..."

My forehead touched their's.

"How wonderful life is while you're in the world..."

I pulled (Y/n) into my arms and twirled around with them. (Y/n) laughed as they followed my steps.

In our life, we didn't get this very often. The funny dancing and the music and the romantic atmosphere. But this still felt familiar. It felt right.

I spun (Y/n) in a circle before pulling them back in. For a moment, I could've sworn that I saw a sad look in their eye. Like they were as aware of this being fake as I was.

How would Gabriel's vision be aware of that?

"I hope you don't, I hope you don't mind," I hadn't even realized that I was still singing until I noticed the look on their face. "That I put down in words..."

I could've sworn there were tears in (Y/n)'s eyes.

I leaned in a little closer, my lips almost touching their's, "How wonderful life is... while you're in the world."

I pressed my lips to (Y/n)'s lightly. My eyes fell shut as I tried to pull them as close as possible. A few tears fell from my eyes. I didn't think I was ever going to experience this. (Y/n) was there. I was holding them. Kissing them.

I pulled away slowly, hesitant to open my eyes.

When I finally did, I caught sight of my button-up shirt and slacks. (Y/n) was standing in front of me, but their hands now leaning on a stainless steel table.

(Y/n)'s eyes were closed, tears creating lines along their cheeks. I cupped their cheeks, wiping the tears away slowly.

"I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes," I sang quietly. I didn't know this song. At all. (Y/n)'s eyes slowly opened. "They've seen things you never quite say but I hear..."

(Y/n) let out a small chuckle, smiling at me.

"Come out of hiding, I'm right here beside you," I nudge their nose with mine. "And I'll stay there as long as you let me."

We stood there together, holding each other as we continued singing.

The room was dark, one light above us. I assumed it was late.

"It's addictive the minute let yourself think," (Y/n) sang quietly. "The things that I say just might matter to someone..."

One thing we both tried to work on... our pattern of self-hatred and self-blame.

"All this time I've been keeping my mind on the running away," they reached up to the side of my face. "But this time... I think I'd consider the stay."

Yes, please, stay. Stay with me. Come back to me.

"Because you matter to me," we both were sobbing at this point. "Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody... you matter to me..."

"I promise you do," (Y/n) looked like they were pleading with me, but I wasn't sure what for. "You, you matter to me. I promise you do, you see?"

"You matter to me," their hands clutched my shirt as I held their face.

(Y/n) faded in front of me.

"No," I yelled, grabbing at the fading vision.

I was suddenly in a hallway.

"I'm tired of this," I yelled at the air. "I'm tired of this game, Gabriel! Just give them back to me! Please!"

"I can't," I heard him but I couldn't see him. "Your lesson doesn't end that way."

"I don't care about a goddamn lesson," I snapped. "I want a second chance. To do what I should've! To save them! Why are you making me go through this crap?"

Gabriel didn't respond.

I stormed down the hallway. I was hoping to reach a staircase. Enough of this game. I wanted to go back and hide in my car again. To hunt until I couldn't think about my pain anymore.

There was only one door in the hallway. Gabriel wasn't going to let me leave.

I sighed, but picked up my hand, knocking lightly. The door disappeared in front of me. (Y/n) was standing on the other side of the threshold. However, I couldn't step through to see them. Something stopped me.

"Stay where you are," (Y/n) was singing as I tried to force my way in. "Don't come too close and don't go too far."

"(Y/n)," I said, hitting the barrier.

"I'll make you count to 100 so I have a good chance to hide, don't expect me to play fair," they grinned at me. They were still crying.

I couldn't do anything more than stand there and watch them. I knew in my stomach that (Y/n) was aware. Not a vision summoned by Gabriel... but the one who asked Gabriel to help.

I didn't care at that point. It just meant I had a shot to get them back.

I pressed my hands to the barrier. Just let me in. Come back. Please,

"If I could just find the right words to say, would you stay right there," I nodded at (Y/n)'s words. "I like you right there..."

I looked behind (Y/n). Something was forming behind her. I furrowed my eyebrows. What the hell?

As the cloud of smoke took on the form of a person, I started hitting the barrier again. No, no, no.

Then, a face. Zachariah. I was going to have to watch (Y/n) die all over again.

"No, no," I yelled. "Please, no! Not again! Please!"

"Stay where you are... safe in a frame... Try to move closer, you'll only get halfway," I continued pushing, but looked (Y/n) in the eyes. Shaking, crying, but not moving or running. Accepting their ending. "Pin down your heart, put out the flame... Don't come any closer, but don't move away!"

I slowly stop fighting. It was pointless.

"Stay," I sang with them again. "Stay..."

My knees gave out as the angel blade went through (Y/n)'s heart again. I fell as they did.

"No," I mumbled.

I don't know how long I sat there, waiting and hoping for (Y/n) to wake up. It felt like an eternity.

"Dean-"

"That's your lesson," I cut Gabriel off, standing up, shoving him into the far wall. "That I couldn't save them anyway!"

"No," Gabriel replied. "Have you wondered why (Y/n) was able to ask me for a favor at all?"

I froze.

I knew. I just didn't want to say it.

"You can't cling to (Y/n), Dean," the archangel explained. "You can remember them. Honor them. But holding them on Earth is selfish. (Y/n) wants you to be able to accept what happened and keep going."

"H-How," I asked. "How am I supposed to keep going?"

"You figure it out. I can't give you a perfect answer because there isn't one."

I stepped back.

Gabriel disappeared and I was on the front steps of an apartment. (Y/n) was standing on the step above me. They leaned down, kissing me softly. A goodbye kiss. Like any couple would share when leaving each other.

I tried to follow (Y/n)'s lips. They stopped me.

"Don't kiss me goodbye again," (Y/n) walked us down the steps as they sang. "Leave this night clean and quiet... You want the last word, you want me to laugh. Believe it for now."

I couldn't help but grin. I followed (Y/n) down the road, enjoying the time I got with them. Slow steps, calm feeling.

"And goodbye until tomorrow... goodbye until the next time you call... and I will be waiting, I will be waiting," (Y/n) didn't seem panicked or hurt... just content. "Goodbye until tomorrow... Goodbye till I recall how to breathe and I have been waiting... I have been waiting for you!"

As (Y/n) moved to the end of their part, we slowed down our steps. They turned to face me.

"I have been waiting... I have been waiting for you," (Y/n)'s voice got softer. "Waiting for you.... waiting for you..."

I sighed, looking down for a moment, "I called Elise to help me pack my bags... I went downtown and closed the bank account..."

I closed my eyes as I continued.

Slowly, I looked up to face them again. I can't avoid this anymore.

"I'm not the only one who's hurting here... I don't know what the hell is left to do... You never saw how far the crack had opened... You never knew I had run out of rope and... I could never rescue you. All you ever wanted. But I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard... And let you go."

I let out a sob. It hurt but I had to keep going. My hunt wasn't over yet.

"No matter how I tried... All I could do was love you- God, I loved you so... So we could fight, or we could wait, or I could go..."

"Goodbye until tomorrow," (Y/n) joined in, letting me fade off. "Goodbye, until I crawl to your door! And I will be waiting... I will be waiting..."

I cupped the sides of (Y/n)'s face. One last time. I just needed to study (Y/n)'s face one last time.

"Goodbye until tomorrow," (Y/n) continued, though shakier as they started crying too. "Goodbye until I'm done thanking God... for I have been waiting... I have been waiting for you... I have been waiting!"

"Goodbye, (Y/n)," my voice came out in more gasps than anything.

"I will keep waiting... I will keep waiting for you," (Y/n) placed their hand over their heart.

I let myself step backward. I watched (Y/n) the whole time, who grinned at me through all the tears falling.

"Just close the gate...," (Y/n) continued as light slowly surrounded me. "I'll stand and wait... Dean..."

"Goodbye..." we both sang together.

I closed my eyes as the light became too bright for me to look at.

When I opened them again, I was back in the motel parking lot, right where I was when Gabriel showed up.

I knew what I had to do.

Without a second thought, I jumped into the driver's seat of Baby and started driving. I found a spot outside of town. Pretty view and no people. (Y/n) would've loved it.

I reached into the glove department, grabbing the box that held what was supposed to be (Y/n)'s ring.

I grabbed some lighter fluid, a lighter, and a bowl out of the trunk of Baby and walked to the most open spot I could.

I placed the box in the bowl and sprayed in some lighter fluid on top.

I froze with the lighter.

"Thank you," I said. "You made me feel a lifetime of love in a matter of years. I won't forget you, (Y/n), you made me see myself as so much more than a perfect soldier or a hunter. I felt like a human with you. I could experience the parts of life that I wasn't supposed to get. I... I love you so much. I won't force you to stay, but everything I do will be for you."

I heard it. A quiet mumble of "I love you too". Then, I felt a light kiss on my cheek.

I flicked the lighter and dropped it into the bowl.

"Goodbye," I mumbled to the fire. "Wait for me."

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tearsofgrace · 4 years

Text

I Love Led Zeppelin

written for suptober 2020 day 11: rock and roll

word count: 3.1k tags: so much zeppelin, HAPPY ENDING, that’s right i wrote happy shit, angst, fluff, love confessions

also on archive!

“I want to know why you chose them,” Cas said petulantly.

Dean turned onto the highway and glanced at Cas. “I told you. They’re just the best Zepp songs.”

Cas just stared at him. And Dean stared right back. The angel wasn’t winning this one. Because if he started talking, it would all become too obvious.

As if giving him a damn mixtape wasn’t already obvious, he thought. He looked away. Not because he was letting Cas win, but because he hadn’t looked at the road in a while and getting in a car crash wasn’t in the cards for today.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, man.”

“What about this one?” Cas asked, and Dean stopped listening to the music. It had been Cas’ idea to listen to the mixtape, and after getting over his shock that Cas still had it, he agreed. He loved Zeppelin, what could go wrong?

“Ten Years Gone” was playing, and he pushed back a smile. He remembered choosing this one, listening to the lyrics, knowing how perfectly it fit. Robert Plant had written it for an old girlfriend who’d made him choose between music and her. And ten years later, he looked back on where he was.

It was stupid. God, he knew it was stupid. But he’d chosen it because Cas hadn’t chosen his music: Heaven. Cas had chosen them, and here they were, ten years later.

“I chose it because I like the chords,” he finally answered as the song came to an end.

“Oh,” Cas said.

The opening lines of “Ramble On” came on and Dean smiled. God, he loved Zeppelin. He and Sam didn’t listen to music enough in the car anymore. It brought back memories. The good memories from his childhood.

“Why did you add this one?” Cas sounded so serious, so sincere. And this one, this one Dean could answer. It wasn’t like some of the other songs on the tape.

“Kinda loved the Lord of the Rings imagery, but if you tell Sam you’re dead.” Cas laughed softly and Dean joined him. “And,” he took a breath, “I don’t know, it’s kinda like us, right? Like we have to keep going, no matter what evils we’re facing.”

“I like it,” Cas said quietly.

Dean reached over and turned it up, singing along dramatically because he knew Cas would get a kick out of it. Sam would have called him annoying, but not Cas. His friendship (friendship? That what you want Dean?) was so different with Cas.

When the song ended, and “Whole Lotta Love” came on, he almost reached over to shut it off. A blush rose in his cheeks as he remembered picking this one, confident Cas wouldn’t know what it was talking about, confident he’d never have to confront Cas about it. He remembered recording it, his mind drifting to Cas even as he tried to stop it.

He was lifting his hand to the skip button when Cas covered his hand and pushed it back to the seat. Dean hated how much he wished Cas’ hand would just stay there. But it didn’t. It never did.

“I wondered about this one,” Cas said thoughtfully. Dean gulped, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. “It’s very,” Cas paused, and he could feel his eyes boring into the side of his head. He was sure his cheeks were flaming. “Very aggressive,” he finally finished.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” He let his eyes flick quickly to Cas and immediately regretted it. He looked so innocent, so clueless, but Dean could see the slight smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. “C’mon, man it’s a great song,” he said, gluing his eyes back to the road.

“I thoroughly enjoy it.”

Dean gulped again, pictured Cas listening to it, hearing the lyrics. Then he squeezed his eyes shut and kept his lips firmly closed until the next song started.

The opening guitar line of “Stairway to Heaven” played and he immediately relaxed.

“Sam said you shouldn’t have picked this one. He said it was too overplayed,” Cas said before they were even thirty seconds into the song. And Dean almost ran them off the road right then.

“Sam knows about-” he cut himself off. No, that was too obvious. “Uh, why’d Sam say that?”

“I was listening to the song. And I told him you gave me a mixtape with your favorite Led Zeppelin songs and told him which song I was listening to. He said it isn’t even their best song.”

Shit. There wasn’t a chance in hell Sam didn’t know what giving someone a damn mixtape meant. At least Cas had been listening to “Stairway” but still. Dammit.

“He’s right,” he said, trying to control his voice. “It’s not their very best, but c’mon it’s a classic. I couldn’t just not add it. You have to admit, it’s a good song.”

“It’s my favorite on the tape,” Cas said.

Dean snorted. Of course it was. He wasn’t going to fault Cas for it, though. It was an amazing song. They let the song play out in silence, and Dean let himself let go. Just let it roll over him, let Cas’ presence steady him.

Next came “Kashmir,” which was another easy answer. It was a classic. But Dean always saw it as more than that. It was about the journey, not the destination, reaching for some distant horizon. That’s how he thought of his time with Cas. He got to enjoy the journey, even if they would never really reach the end, not the end he wanted anyway. It was gonna end bloody. One or both of them dead.

When “Going to California” started Dean smiled and went soft. John used to play this one after a really long hunt, and Dean hadn’t even learned the lyrics for years. He just loved the way it felt, the way everything weaved together and created a very specific feeling in him every time.

“I love this one,” Cas said quietly, as if to preserve the moment. “I like to think we can all get a fresh start.”

“Me too,” Dean answered. A fresh start. They’d had so many… way more than their fair share. But they still got more, still gave each other more, over and over. He didn’t know why Cas was even still with them, why he hadn’t turned tail and run ages ago. But he was glad for it.

“Black Dog” and “Travelling Riverside Blues” were next. He told Cas they were classics. Didn’t tell him that both of them were his mom’s favorites. Both of them were part of the reason she fell in love with John. Both of them made him think that maybe he could have something like that, even when he knew it wasn’t possible.

There were only a few songs left. And if Cas hadn’t figured it out already, these would make it painfully obvious that he chose these songs very specifically. That he chose them for Cas.

“Tangerine” started and he smiled. He loved how slow this one started, how sweet it was. He would never admit it out loud, but it was right up there with “Ramble On” and “Travelling Riverside Blues” for his favorite song.

He almost didn’t add it. Because it was so obvious. But also because it just wasn’t him and Cas. They would never have that sweet, innocent new love. There was so much baggage between them, so much to wade through before even finding a hint of love. But Dean knew it was there. If only brotherly on Cas’ side, it was there. And this song, this reminiscing on a sweet, beautiful relationship, it’s what he wanted with Cas. So sue him if he added it to the list.

“There’s a lot of love songs on this mixtape,” Cas noted. Dean glanced at him sharply, trying to gauge what he really meant. But with Cas, he always just said what he meant. There was very rarely a double meaning, a hint at something that wasn’t there.

“Yeah, there is,” he agreed, his breathing shallow. “Zeppelin has a lot of ‘em.” It wasn’t a lie… but Zepp also had plenty of non-love songs.

He almost sighed audibly when “Good Times Bad Times” came on next.

Cas didn’t have to ask at this point. He just stared at Dean until he answered the unspoken question.

“Chose this one cuz it’s our lives, ya know?” Dean ran his hands over the leather and glanced at the mile marker; they were just a few miles away from the town. Maybe they wouldn’t even make it to the end of the tape. “I mean, it’s mostly shit. But we have good times too.”

“We do,” Cas agreed seriously. And Dean allowed himself a small smile. He hated himself for loving that Cas had already listened to this start to finish multiple times, had kept it through multiple apocalypses, actually cared that Dean had taken the time to put it together. Because it didn’t mean the same thing to Cas. He wanted it to. But it didn’t.

There were only three songs left. They were as blindingly transparent as he could possibly be. And the fact they were on a homemade mixtape only added to it. But Cas… Cas wouldn’t understand.

“Fool in the Rain” was the beginning of the end. It wasn’t like it was one of Zepp’s most famous songs, but Dean had always loved it. It sounded almost idiotic on the surface, a lover waiting on the wrong block in the rain. But Dean had always seen it as more than that. Maybe he was being too deep… but, for one, there wasn’t anything in the song that suggested it was a man and a woman. And as a kid, he’d liked that. He liked to let it be whoever he wanted, let it represent whatever he needed. He wouldn’t get caught dead telling anyone else he’d even noticed that, but he’d always love the song because of that.

As he’d gotten older, he grew to love it even more. To him, it sounded like one sided love. Like someone who was waiting desperately for a sign that they would ever be loved back. But they were looking in the wrong place and they wouldn’t ever find it. As Robert Plant sang “My heart it sinks to the ground/And the storm that I thought would blow over/Clouds the light of the love that I found,” Dean resisted the urge to say something, to tell Cas, This is me. This is me because I’ll never have you.

“Why this one?” Cas prompted.

Dean cleared his throat. “Listen to his voice, dude. It’s amazing.”

He risked another glance at Cas, saw his eyes narrow and his head tilt, and knew he wasn’t satisfied with that answer. But it wasn’t like he could tell him the truth.

There were only two songs left. Two Dean had wanted to put on so badly that he couldn’t resist, no matter how obvious they were. He kept telling himself Cas wouldn’t even care enough to listen, much less to listen closely. Obviously that hadn’t worked.

Before he could turn off the music, claiming they were only five minutes out anyway, the soft vocal intro of “What Is and What Should Never Be” started.

Real smooth, Winchester, he thought. Putting a song about forbidden romance on a mixtape for your best friend.

“I understand this one,” Cas said.

Dean blinked and focused on the road, searching for the sign that would take them to the motel.

“You what?”

“I understand it. I don’t understand why you included it, but I understand it. Sometimes love just isn’t meant to be. Sometimes it isn’t possible, no matter how beautiful, how perfect it is.”

Dean nodded slowly. Was there someone in Cas’ past life he didn’t know about? Or even worse, someone he knew right now?

He didn’t respond to Cas. He didn’t know what to say.

They pulled into the motel as the final note played and Dean turned off the car, shutting off the music with it.

“What about the last song?” Cas asked.

Dean’s heart rate picked up and he felt his ears burning hot. He’d put it last. Maybe in hope that Cas wouldn’t get to it, or maybe because it perfectly closed what he was trying to say. What he felt.

“We, um,” he took a deep breath and let it out. “We have to check in, buddy, it’s late.”

“I want to listen to it, Dean,” Cas said, fixing him with those intense blue eyes. And really, no one could say no to that.

Dean restarted the car, trying to let the pleasant hum of Baby’s motor calm him down.

If the sun refused to shine I would still be loving you

The opening lines played through the speakers and Dean stopped himself from cursing loudly. He was fucked. He couldn’t sit in this car, with Cas, and pretend like this meant nothing. Like this was just another song that he really liked.

When mountains crumble to the sea There will still be you and me

He tried not to let his mind drift. Tried to ignore how silent Cas had gone. Tried not to think of those words the angel had spoken in the bunker so long ago. “Everyone you know, everyone you love... they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I'm the one who will have to watch you murder the world. So if there's even a small chance that we can save you, I won't let you walk out of this room.” Cas would have stayed with him, even while he burned the world to the ground under the influence of the mark.

Dean took a deep breath and anxiously ran a hand through his hair.

Kind woman, I give you my all Kind woman, nothing more.

Cas shifted slightly next to him, but he didn’t dare look up.

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain Tears of loves lost in the days gone by My love is strong, with you there is no wrong Together we shall go until we die My, my, my inspiration is what you are to me Inspiration look, see

So much pain. There was so much pain between them. It swirled and came to life whenever they spoke. But it didn’t matter, because Dean was never leaving Cas. He knew that now. He couldn’t do it without him.

As the guitar interlude played, he tried to calm down. To fight the panic climbing in his throat. This whole thing had been a bad idea. He should have never made the damn tape in the first place. His breathing slowed a little when the vocals came back. He could do this.

And so today, my world it smiles Your hand in mine, we walk the miles Thanks to you it will be done For you to me are the only one Happiness, no more be sad Happiness, I'm glad

The image was so clear in his mind. Him and Cas walked down an asphalt road, hand in hand, the sun in front of them and their troubles behind them. He would never have it, but it didn’t matter. He still owed Cas all his happiness, owed him his life, owed him everything. And he still never said thank you.

If the sun refused to shine I would still be loving you Mountains crumble to the sea There will still be you and me

Dean took a deep breath and looked at Cas. There was still almost a minute of instrumental in the song. It would be so easy, just to say that he liked the song. Or that it reminded him of someone. Or that he thought Cas would enjoy the sound of it.

Then Cas spoke, and he realized the angel’s eyes were wide and his lips were turned up in a smile. “Dean, please don’t lie to me. Why this one?”

He didn’t answer at first. He knew Cas would wait, and he did. They listened to the end of the song, and then the car went quiet. Dean turned the engine off and fiddled with the keys in his lap before looking back into Cas’ eyes.

“I guess,” he breathed in. He could do this. Why not? He couldn’t fuck things up with Cas more than he already had. He’d beaten him, nearly killed him, left him when he was vulnerable, yelled at him, taken him for granted. And yet, here he was. Right by Dean’s side, fighting to save the world again. “I guess I’m trying to say thank you, Cas. For sticking with us.”

Cas’ smile grew just a little, almost showing his teeth, and he held Dean’s eyes, as if waiting for him to go on. And Dean was going to leave it there, he really was. But for some reason, maybe the safety of Baby, maybe the soft way Cas was watching him, maybe the quiet begging to be filled, he went on. “I don’t want you to leave again. I don’t want to leave you. If we- If we beat God, then I still want you to stay. We take you for granted- I take you for granted. I know that. But I just- I want you here. I need you here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good,” he said quietly, reaching for the door handle.

“Dean,” Cas said firmly. Dean paused and looked up, his heart pounding heavily in his chest. “I love you.”

His eyes widened and his thoughts swirled. He was dreaming, he had to be dreaming. Or this was a trick, someone was possessing Cas, someone was hurting him, someone was-

“It’s me, Dean.” And everything else melted away. It was Cas sitting next to him. Cas who had just spent an hour listening to Led Zeppelin with him. Cas who wasn’t leaving. Cas who had told him he loved him.

“I love you too,” he said. And it didn’t matter that Cas had just told him he loved him. Didn’t matter that Cas made him feel so safe. Didn’t matter that in spite of everything--all his doubts, all his fuckups, all his anger--he actually believed Cas wasn’t lying. He was still terrified.

Then Cas leaned across the seat and pressed their lips together, and he stopped thinking. He kissed him back gently, reveling in the taste, the softness, the electricity.

When they pulled away, he laughed softly and grinned sheepishly at the angel. Then he ejected the tape from the car and handed it to him before pressing another kiss against his lips. There were a million things he wanted to say, to explain, but there was only really one that fit.

“Thank you.”

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#suptober20 #these are the songs on the mixtape don't fight me #long post #destiel fluff #happy ending #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #spn fan fiction #destiel fanfic #deancas fic #destiel fic #destiel ficlet #my writing

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butchcastiel · 3 years

Text

On Sam and Dean’s Relationship to Death and Personal Autonomy

So I was rereading this excellent post by @leetaemn & @autisticandroids while rewatching season 6 and I wanted to make some commentary.

Kripke Era of Supernatural involves a clean and consistent character arc for both Dean and Sam, particularly with regards to their relationship to each other and Dean’s relationship to Sam’s autonomy.

The season 2 finale of Supernatural concludes with Dean making a crossroads demon deal to resurrect Sam, with a shorter time frame to live before collection than most are offered, and with the explicit understanding that Dean will go to Hell when he dies. This is the first major violation of Sam’s autonomy that Dean makes. By selling his soul for Sam after Sam has already died, Sam is unable to consent to being brought back to life. We know that Sam was not particularly upset about being resurrected until he realized the consequences, at which point he makes very clear that he would rather have stayed dead. In this situation, Dean has removed Sam’s ability to have stayed dead, which is the choice he would have made had he been able.

The penultimate episode of season 4 of Supernatural has Dean locking Sam away in Bobby’s panic room for a demon blood detox. Everyone is aware in this situation that Sam might die of his withdrawal symptoms. Sam begs to be let out, to be given the chance to kill Lilith, to not have to die alone in the panic room, and Dean stands by his door and refuses. In this situation, Dean has removed Sam’s ability to live, which is the choice Sam adamantly makes clear is the one he would have chosen.

The final arc of season 5 of Supernatural has Sam advocating for himself to be possessed by Lucifer so he can seize control and cast them both into the cage. This is obviously a suicide mission, and everyone is aware of it. While Dean initially refuses to allow Sam to die in this manner, he eventually concludes that Sam is a grown man able to make his own choices, and Dean will allow him to choose this if it’s what he wants. It’s their only chance at ending the apocalypse anyway. This is clearly the culmination of an arc where Dean learns that Sam should be allowed to make his own choices about his own life.

This trend is reversed in season 6. Dean immediately suspects something is wrong with Sam upon their first interaction and Cas is able to reveal to them both after Dean assaults Sam for violating his own autonomy (allowing a vampire to forcefully transform Dean into a vampire to benefit Sam and the Campbell’s hunt for the alpha) that Sam does not have a soul. It is at this point that Dean decides Sam can not be trusted to make his own choices once again. Dean allowed Sam to die for the world, and when Sam got back, he came back wrong. Dean, subconsciously or not, interpreted this to mean that Sam made the “wrong choice” by choosing to die, and that he therefore cannot be trusted to make the right choice again. This is why season 6 is spent with Dean reverting to his season 4 mentality when it comes to how he handles Sam. And the ultimate culmination of this arc is Dean deciding once again to violate Sam’s autonomy by forcing his soul back into his body against his consent.

With each major violation and the one time Dean allowed Sam his own choice, there was some sort of metaphysical life or death situation at play.

That means, that even in season 5 when Dean was respecting Sam’s autonomy, it was still under a certain level of his control. Dean allowed Sam to make his own choice, but is fully willing and capable of stripping Sam’s freedom if it doesn’t go his way. So ultimately, did Dean allow Sam any freedom at all? It reads like a parent giving their child a little leeway, and the rest has to be earned. Sam did not earn anymore, and lost the little he was given with his “mistake”. Sam and Dean are both adults, and Dean is not Sam’s parent, and the mistake’s consequences were not Sam’s fault. So the entire situation is extremely fucked up.

Moving on to speculation, it is entirely possible that if Sam had been brought back with his soul, Dean would have viewed Sam’s sacrifice as the “right” choice, and allowed him even more freedom than he did in season 5. It is possible, that gradually, if Sam continued to make “correct” choices, Dean would have eventually allowed him the freedom to make any choice he wanted without punishment. Unfortunately, the opposite happened.

#Sam #Dean #Sam and Dean #mine

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lewishamil10n · 2 years

Note

9, 10, 14, 20 & 23 for the Sam ask game :DDD

hi ana <333

9. powers/boyking!sam or witch!sam?

OH this is a tough one! i really love both, but for this i think i'll go with powers!sam. i thought they were really cool and that sam would've made an excellent king of hell. i don't think it would change who he essentially is at his core, i think his version of hell would be a lot more just and righteous, he'd make some good changes i think. also i want him to drink demon blood and kill angels <3

10. soulless sam, yay or nay?

oh absolutely yay. it was great acting from jared, and yes, the comic relief parts of it were hilarious, but i also liked what it said about sam. this guy who worried all the time that he was actually secretly evil, and yet even without his soul he was hunting, helping people. did he fuck up? oh yes, so many times, and it did end up hurting/killing people. he has no moral compass. but you know, he could've decided to be a serial killer or something and hurt people on purpose, actively. he wouldn't feel guilt, we know this. but he didn't. when dean returned, he chose to follow dean, which meant somewhere deep down he knew that dean was important, that it was important to be with him. even without his soul, sam wanted to be around dean and help people through hunting.

14. sam storyline that should never have been dropped?

hmm, a few come to mind. i wanted more powers!sam, though i get why that ended. i'm not unsatisfied with its conclusion, per se, i just think powers!sam is cool lmao. also, i wish they'd talked about moc!dean telling sam it should've been him up on charlie's pyre. OH and the voicemail from s4! we never got a fixit! fuck, for all i know, sam lived his entire life thinking dean actually thought all that at one point :/

also, i wanted sam to have a storyline with magda, and i always want him to have more time with the younger generation of hunters like claire. i always like those characters more when they're around sam, he brings out the best in them and can make even the most annoying and dull characters bearable and interesting.

20. what is the worst thing the writers did to sam?

making him work with those that hurt him, over and over again. it's one thing if it's the way it was with walt and roy, because that was out of necessity and the history there was acknowledged, even if barely. but the writers really had a hard-on for making sam be around lucifer, for letting him be hurt and abused over and over again, for forcing him to work with him for whatever reason. it was sickening and i'm damn sure that they didn't even care about what it did to sam. jared is the only reason we got any portrayal of trauma and ptsd.

also, having castiel be the one to spring him from the panic room and never letting it be acknowledged or brought up. sam deserved to know that he wasn't solely at fault for the apocalypse, even if he's the only one that took responsibility.

23. scene/episode that makes you want to chew glass

sacrifice :)))))) seeing him broken down like that, sobbing because he thought dean didn't love him? knowing how alone in the entire world he must have felt, how much of a burden, thinking it would be better if he died because at least then he was doing some good? saying his greatest sin was letting dean down, when he hadn't really? thinking dean didn't want him any more because he had others, while sam was all alone? yeah, i'm still fucked up about it :))))

sam winchester ask game

#trials era sam #asks #ana #sammy #ask game

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holylulusworld · 4 years

Text

My Omega

Summary: Sold to an alpha you don’t know what will happen to you – you didn’t expect the turn your life will take…

Pairing: Alpha!John x Omega!Reader

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester (mentioned), Jody Mills

Warnings: Apocalypse World, angst, human trafficking, language, tension, true mates, scenting, shitty father, comforting, fluff, scenting, innocent reader, age gap, smut, unprotected sex, claiming, knotting

A/N: Part 2/2

Sequel to: My beta

Divider by @writeyourmindaway

You sneak closer to John, carefully draping one leg over his thigh before you rest your head onto his chest. The alpha smirks, letting you explore his body believing he’s still asleep.

It’s the first time you are close to an alpha for longer than a few minutes and John is different from the grumpy and aggressive ones you met before. He smells like warm summer rain, wood, and something earthy, his skin is warm and when you are close to him, your heart always seems to skip a beat.

“Alpha,” placing one hand onto his heart you snuggle into his chest, sighing deeply at the warm feeling spreading in your belly. “John…”

“I’ve got you ‘mega,” John purrs, watching you fall asleep on top of him. “It’s all good now. This world is rotten and burned, but there is still hope. We brought Lucifer down, I’ll be damned if we do not defeat those bastards calling themselves our leaders too.” Warmth fills John’s chest when you wrap your arms around him to hold tight onto the tall alpha.

“This is all new to her, okay. Give her a chance to settle in. It’s only been a week since John brought her here. The poor girl got chained up by her father,” Cassie scolds as one of the other omegas tried to choo you away.

“I can ask Jess if she needs help, Cassie. No need to fight for me. If I’m not welcome, I’ll leave,” you swallow your pride, nodding at Cassie who watches you run off to hide in John’s room.

“Great job, Lisa. I got no clue what your fucking problem is but you just scared off John Winchester's true mate,” Cassie jerks her head toward John, pressing her lips into a thin line. “The poor girl went through enough shit. I hope you are happy now.”

“What’s all the fuzz about?” John looks for you, worriedly glancing at his daughter-in-law. “Where is Y/N? I thought she finally got brave enough to come outside.”

“She did John but Lisa over here had to harass her. I don’t think she’ll leave your room anytime soon, sorry,” Cassie sighs, watching John’s face contort in anger. “Let me handle Lisa, you should talk to Y/N.”

“Cassie, you’re one of my two fav daughters-in-law,” John grins, giving Cassie a wink as she rolls her eyes. “John, you only got two.”

“As I said…”

“Doll?” curled into a ball you hide underneath John’s blanket. “I’m sorry Lisa was unfriendly. What did she say, Y/N?” you do not answer, simply hide your face in the cushions. “I expect you to answer your alpha when he asks you a question.” Voice deeper, demanding now John watches you poke your head out from underneath the blanket.

“She said you only keep me around as long as your knot wants me,” you mumble, feeling your cheeks grow hot. “I said we never…and then,” choking on your words you throw yourself at John, hiding your face in his neck, “she said if you didn’t fuck me so far it’s as I’m an ugly rat.”

Shushing you John brings you into his arms, let you straddle his lap. “Can you feel this press against you? That’s my body telling you I want you more than anything else. I’m just not someone taking advantage of you in your situation. If not, I would’ve knotted, claimed, and marked you that first night.”

You gasp, feeling something twitch against you. “Is that your knot?” John pecks your forehead, smiling at your question. “I don’t know much about alphas. My mom died before she could explain things to me and father, well, he preferred to ignore me.”

“It’s my, Jesus, this is embarrassing but I’ll try to explain anything you want to know,” you giggle, looking up at John, mischief in your eyes.

“You should see your flushed face, alpha.” John’s eyes narrow when you batt your eyelashes. “I tricked you good.”

“You little shit,” humming you wrap your arms around John’s neck, pecking his lips. “So, what do you know about alphas?”

“I know you’ve got a big knot,” John smirks when you slip one under his shirt to feel his skin. “I can feel it,” breathing the words against his lips you shiver as his hands caress your back.

“What else?” you moan when one hand wanders underneath your shirt to draw slow circles into your skin. “Omega?”

“I know how knotting works, but I never,” nervously chewing on your lower lip you glance up at John. “I mean, do you want to be my first, alpha?”

“I swear,” panting heavily John looks at your lips, groaning when you slowly grind against him, “if you don’t stop, I’ll make you mine right now.”

“Alpha,” your hands grasp for his shoulders, your lips crash against John’s when a knock destroys the moment. “No, not now…”

“Yes, who is it?” John clears his throat, watching you tug at his shirt, desperate to feel more of his skin. “I hope it’s important cause you just…”

“Dad, we should talk about Y/N’s father. Obviously, he got wind she’s omega and wants her back,” you go stiff on John’s lap, looking at him with wide, fearful eyes.

“No one gets my omega,” John purrs, holding you close to his chest. “I promise, he’ll not get you back. You’re mine, doll…”

“I told you it was a mistake to bring that girl here,” Lisa spats, glaring at you hide behind John’s back. “An unclaimed omega who belongs to someone else.”

“I belong to no one,” lips pursed you glare at Lisa, holding tight onto John’s jacket for dear life. “My father sold me to John, he was the one breaking the law, not John nor me.”

“True,” the ‘marshal’, one of the few people who tries to defend justice in a desolated world nods at John. “Mr. Y/L/N said you stole his omega daughter but according to the contract he signed you bought her.”

“He offered her to me. I was there to buy a dog. It was Mr. Y/L/N who offered me his daughter, the girl I call mine since then,” John’s face remains stoic when the ‘marshal’ steps closer to have a look at you.

“According to the papers he sold you a beta, that’s an omega,” shrugging John looks at marshal who knows your alpha knew you’re not a beta. “So, she presented late, Sir?”

“I think so,” John smirks now, looking at your father. “Underneath the dirt, the worn-out clothes, and bruises I could barely make out a girl. I had to feed, bathe, and clothe her first.”

“I can see no crime here, Sir. Mr. Winchester legally bought your daughter after you offered her to him. It’s not his fault you didn’t know she’s omega. If you would excuse me now, I must take care of a fight over a cow two towns away,” the marshal lifts her head, giving John a wink. “Have a great day, Sir, miss…”

“She’s my daughter, you must do something,” your father grunts. “Sir, I must ask you to leave Mr. Winchester's ground. You sold the girl, according to the law she belongs to Mr. Winchester now. Nothing I can do about it. I suggest you leave and do not come back,” the marshal leads your father away, whilst you weakly fall against John’s back.

“He’s gone, doll. Don’t worry, Y/N. I know marshal Mills for ages. She’s tough, hard but has a soft heart for the resistance. No one would ever dare to act against her order,” you nod, still you grasp for John’s hand to feel safe. “I’ll bring you back to our room.”

“Calm omega,” John whispers, gently stroking your hair. “Jesus, you are still shaking. I told you marshal Mills brought your father back home. She will make sure he’ll never come back.”

“I’m still scared, alpha. He was furious that I hid my presentation from him, John. What if he comes back in the middle of the night to take me away?” now the alpha’s features darken, and you find yourself pinned underneath him.

“You’re mine,” he snarls, glancing at your neck. “I will mark this neck, make you mine forever. You’ll be full of pups soon and no one will keep me from doing so,” your eyes glow feeling John on top of you.

Instinctively you bare your neck, grant him access to your mating gland to graze it with his teeth. You’re panting heavily, whining when he settles between your legs, pressing his clothed erection against your core.

“John,” you grind against him, reaching out for his neck to bring him down for a not that innocent kiss. “I want you.”

“Y/N, let me,” John groans when your hands wander to his ass to squeeze it tightly. “If you don’t stop, I’ll lose control.”

“Please, I want you,” you tug at his pants, looking up at John with doe eyes. “I feel so hot and wet down there.”

“You’re slicking for me, omega,” he’s kissing your neck, moaning when you spread your legs to let him slip one hand into your panties. “God, you’re dripping for me, darling.”

“For you, alpha,” panting you wrap your arms around his neck. “Only you, John. I wanna feel your knot.”

“Has this something to do with the things Lisa said?” you shake your head, sniffling as John believes you only want him to prove Lisa was wrong. “You’re so beautiful, Y/N.” He’s leaving open-mouthed kisses along your neck, nibbling at your mating gland when you fist his hair.

“No, I want you. Please…make me yours, John,” you whine, desperate to feel a connection to the elder alpha. “Please.”

“You sure? I’m still elder and I already had a mate. If you want someone else,” you press your lips to his mouth, swallowing his doubts. “Guess this means you want this old man.”

“You’re not old, alpha,” grinning John looks at you before his face buries into your neck. He’s inhaling your scent deeply, moaning as you tilt your head in submission. “You more experienced is all.”

“A nice way to call me old, doll,” you snicker feeling his lips press against your skin, leaving wet trails on his way to your collarbone. “I’ll make you feel so good…”

“I can’t guarantee he will not come back with more men,” Jody sighs, looking around John’s base camp as he likes to call the huge farm his family calls their home. “I told him the contract is legal, anything else is not in my hands.”

“Marshal Mills, we know you are one of the most reliable people out there, if not for you…” Jody nods, sadly glancing at Sam who still fights with the aftermath of Lucifer’s possession.

“I’m glad we could save Sam and ban that bastard before he could burn the other half of the planet. Sadly we have to live with the consequences of his doings,” Jody gives Dean a cracked smile.

“It’s a long way until we can call this world ours again, but we are working on it. Michael is still out there, waiting for his chance,” Dean’s voice cracks. He’s not meeting Jody’s eyes, prefers to look into the distance. “Maybe I should’ve said yes back then…”

“Look at you,” John purrs, crawling up your body. Your hand trembles when you slide it over his chest, caressing the scars on his skin. “Such a beautiful omega in this rotten world. Pure, innocent and still, a feisty brat,” you giggle when John wraps his lips around one nipple, sucking greedily at the hardening bud.

“You’re so strong, alpha,” he’s hovering over you, a soft smile on his lips. John didn’t look at a woman that way since Mary passed ages ago. “Something wrong?”

“No, Y/N,” he pecks your lips, smiling when you close your eyes the moment his fingers touch your exposed sex. “You’re such a sight, baby girl.”

Your body moves on it’s one, greedily grinds against your alpha’s fingers. Something blooms in your core, let your toes curl with every swipe of his thumb over your clit. Eyes darken you watch John grips his cock to tease your folds.

“I want to present for you, alpha,” you want to roll onto your stomach, want to be an obedient omega but John shakes his head pinning you down with one hand on your hips. “Alpha?”

“I need to see your face when I shove my knot into this tight little cunt,” you whine at his words, eagerly spreading your legs. Your eyes dart between John’s face and his erection. There is a moment of hesitation before a snarl leaves his lips. “Gonna make you mine.”

You don’t know if it’s a promise or a threat, but it doesn’t matter to you, not when the tip slips in and you feel his velvet skin against your walls. Your eyes roll back feeling the pressure built with every inch John shoves into your body.

Hands fly to his biceps when he growls low in his throat, snapping his hips forward to bottom out.

“God,” he throws his head back, tries anything to distract his body from the way your walls grip him tightly, “don’t make me lose it too soon, doll.”

“I’m not doing…,” you pant, experimentally tilting your hips, “anything,” looking at your sex you giggle. John is flush against you, there is no space, and you wonder how it will feel when he starts to move.

“I can feel your body relax,” John wraps his arms around your body. His lips claim yours when you instinctively wrap your legs around his waist. “You’re made for me, omega.”

“I trust you, John,” purring the words against his lips you gasp as his hips slowly start to move. The drag of his cock against your inner walls is something you never felt before and the pressure in your belly grows with every precise thrust.

“Alpha,” your low wails urge John on, let him lose all control when he starts to slam his hips against yours. Whimpers turn into cries feeling the knot in your belly tighten. “Something, oh-there is,” you wrap your arms around his back, dig your nails deep into his flesh when the knot burst open and you writhe on his twitching length. “Knot me…”

“Y/N,” John curses, pulling out to flip you onto your belly. He’s on you in a blink to raise your butt, sliding right back in. “Need to knot you.” The alpha possessively ruts into you, grips your shoulders to get impossible faster.

“John,” your eyes widen when John shoves something thicker into your body with every thrust. His knot spreads you wider, forces you to keen as he pushes your head down, fisting your hair to tilt it. ‘Mine’ roars through the room before his teeth sink into your neck.

Cries erupt from your lips whilst your body tries to accommodate his expanding knot.

John groans when his cum floats your belly. “Mine, my omega…” He laps at the mark he left, soothing the slight sting with his tongue.

“How do you feel?” nuzzling your neck John purrs when you sigh sleepily. “Y/N, did I hurt you? Do you need anything?”

“I feel good, no…it’s more like I’m complete, if that makes sense,” you lean into John’s embrace, closing your eyes when he gently strokes your skin.

“We are one now, doll. Our bond will strengthen and there is nothing anyone can do against it. You’re mine as much as I’m yours,” your alpha whispers.

“I like the sound of it, alpha…I like it very much…”

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lils-writes-stuff · 4 years

Text

Fiery Bruises//Arsonists Lullaby

Sister Winchester!Oc x Supernatural

summary: Lillian Winchester is the best thing the brothers have ever had, and when she gets hurt, they won’t stop until they can fix her.

warnings: MAJOR TW: this story has to deal with rape, sexual assault, and the trauma with those instances, please do not read if these are triggering to you. ANGST, sexual assault, cursing (maybe), mentions of murder, supernatural level gore stuff

A/N: This is my entry for @bi-danvers0 writing contest, I hope y’all enjoy it!

Cold, cold and violated, that’s how she felt. She tightly wrapped her jacket around her body and walked down the streets of Lebanon that were lit up by glowing orange street lamps. She wiped the snot running out from her nose and wiped a tear from her cheek in the process.

The crisp November air was enough to make anyone freeze, and she could smell the rain that was soon to come. The damp air and the cloudy night sky could tell anyone that though. Shortly after the rain would follow the snow, only making this time of year for her even more unforgettable.

Lillian Winchester had never felt so helpless in her life.

Her boots padded against the ground softly, and her ripped jean-clad thighs rubbed together. She lightly tripped over a crack and stumbled forward, never falling to the ground, but she was glad no one saw because it was embarrassing.

She had already felt enough embarrassment for a night.

She stopped walking when she heard rapid footsteps behind her. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up in instinct, the voice in her head told her to run. She turned to the right and rushed down an alleyway, hoping to Chuck that it was not who she thought it was running down the sidewalk.

“Lillian?” Castiel’s voice called to the youngest Winchester.

All night, the Winchester brothers and their angel friend had been looking for the young girl. She went out that afternoon for some alone time (i.e., a time where she could shop and be a girl and not a hunter). It was two a.m. now, and she hadn’t even called them.

“Cas?”

Cas let out a sigh of relief when he heard the young girl’s voice in response to him.

“Lillian, thank god, we’ve been looking for you for hours,” Cas said as he walked closer to the girl tucked into the side of a dumpster. Rain began to come down from the sky, making Lillian’s curly hair straighten out, and her clothes stick to her body.

She quickly stood up, wrapping her arms around the angel’s neck and hugging him. She didn’t let out a cry; she couldn’t. She was too embarrassed to let her brothers or angel friend know what had happened.

She wasn’t ready to talk about it.

“Come on, let’s get you back.” Cas guided the dirty-blonde to the car he had brought into town and drove the two of them back to the bunker, after calling Sam and Dean to let them know he had Lillian.

-------------------

“Lillian,” Dean breathed when he saw his baby sister enter the door of the bunker. He set down the beer bottle in his hand and stood up, walking to meet her at the bottom of the stairs.

She gave a half-smile and a small wave to the two men who were now standing beside the war room table.

“We were so worried, bug,” Sam said, his tall frame covering her in a hug.

“Hey, kiddo, don’t do that again,” Dean said to her when he went in for a hug. He pulled back, placing a hand on her right shoulder, making her tense up the let out a whimper.

His hand was placed on her shoulder as he passed by her in the store.

“Lillian?” Dean questioned with concern as he saw the young girl’s eyes gloss over. “Are you alright?”

She quickly snapped out of her memory and looked at the three men in front of her. But she couldn’t see their faces, because all she could see was him.

He was the worst monster she had ever faced.

“No.”

-----------------

Her home was the one place she was supposed to feel safe, but everywhere she looked, all she could see was his face. He was always smiling at her and if he was there long enough, she could hear his voice whisper what he said to her.

“You want this.”

She grabbed the trash can beside her bed and threw up in it again.

“Cas, what’s wrong with her?” Sam asked the angel who had left his younger sister’s room minutes ago.

“She-she uh.” Cas stumbled over his words as he tried to explain what he had found out while he was in there. Lillian didn’t speak to him, and when he would get close to her, she would curl into herself and turn away from him. And when he reached his hand out to touch her, she screamed. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean ‘you don’t know,’ can’t you do the mind-reading thing?” Dean asked aggressively. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but that’s how he sounded. “She said she wasn’t fine, but now she won’t even talk to us? What the hell is going on?”

Sam let out an exasperated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. He heard the scream she let out when Cas was in there, and it broke him to pieces. This was his baby sister, who was stronger than most everyone.

She was an orphan until Dean and Sam had found her. When Dean got sent to the future where it was the apocalypse by Zacheriah, future Dean introduced him to the younger sister he found. Of course, in that future, this Lillian was half insane from the time she was in but she was all the future Dean had and that was enough for him to hold onto.

When Dean was sent back to 2009, he went and found a fourteen-year-old version of the girl he saw in the future. She was in a foster home in Dallas, Texas, and from that moment on, she was a hunter.

Lillian peeled the white t-shirt off of her torso and looked at her body. A sports bra covered her breasts, but she could see some bruises peeking through on the top. Her left side was a giant bruise, still in the early stages, but it was dark and covered most of her side.

When she turned to look at her other side, she could see the top of a bruise on her hip below her jeans. She slowly unbuttoned the top button of the three and pulled the top of her jeans down. The bruise was in the shape of four fingers that were pressed into her side.

She let out a sob, and tears began to roll down her face.

His hand gripped her hip tightly as he had her cornered behind the small department store. She kicked and thrashed, not being able to scream from the hand placed over her mouth.

She was fighting so hard, but he was a lot bigger than her. And no matter how hard she bit at his hand, kicked at his legs, or pushed at his chest, he wouldn’t budge.

It burnt where he had touched her. Not the welcoming kind of fire either, the kind that hurt, the kind you didn’t want.

Knock knock.

“Lillian?” Sam’s voice said through the door. “Can I come in?”

Lillian quickly fixed her jeans and pulled her shirt back over her head. She then walked over to the door and undid the look, allowing her brother to come in.

When Sam entered, he looked and saw the young girl sitting criss-cross on her bed.

“Hey.”

She didn’t respond, just kept staring at the threads of the blue blanket on her bed.

“Hey, bug, look at me,” Sam said, trying to coax her to look at him.

She looked up at him, eyes bloodshot and the rims of them red from tears. They were empty like she was a shell, her soul not having anything left to feed on.

“What’s wrong?”

She didn’t respond again, her lip just quivered, and she let out a sob.

“It hurts,” she whimpered. Her side burned, searing hot pain, and her hip ached in so much pain. “It hurts so much please make it stop Sammy, please.”

-----------------

“That’s all she said?” Dean asked as he stood out in the hallway with Sam and Cas.

Sam nodded with tear-stained cheeks. All he could do was cry when he heard her plea, but he couldn’t help her because she wouldn’t tell him what was wrong. Watching her sit there and cry and whimper in pain was too much, and he had to leave the room.

“She wouldn’t tell me why or what hurt,” Sam explained, then whipped another tear that rolled out of his eye. “I-I couldn’t sit there and watch her plea and not be able to do anything, I just, it was just-”

“No, Sam, it’s okay,” Dean stopped Sam before he could continue and try to blame himself for something that wasn’t his fault. “I’ll go see what I can do.”

“You were asking for it.”

“This is what you want.”

“A pretty face like yours gets this.”

“You can’t resist me.”

“The things that I’m-”

“Lillian, look at me.” Dean’s command made Lillian look up at him in the mirror. He stood behind her from where she was leaning against the sink in her room.

Her hands were placed on the white porcelain as she leaned against them to keep herself steady.

“It burns, De,” she said, not giving any more explanation to the words that were burning in her mind and the pain that was searing her side.

“What burns, Baby girl? Talk to me.”

She shook her head, tears rushing out of her eyes. “No, no, no.”

Dean walked closer to her when she pushed herself off the sink. “Lillian.”

She was panting, trying to catch her breath. She crossed her arms and placed them over her head, exposing her side to her brother.He could only see a small portion of it, but Dean knew that bruise was large.

He sucked in a breath when he saw it and quickly walked closer to Lillian so he could inspect it. “Sweetheart-”

When he reached out for her she jumped back and screamed again.

Dean’s heart shattered into two because now he knew what had happened.

---------------

“Yeah, thanks, Donna. See ya soon,” Dean said before hanging up the phone with one of the women he knew could get through to Lillian. Sam had handled calling Jody, and they both would be down to Kansas by that evening.

Dean had red hot tears of anger rolling from his eyes as his mind couldn’t help but think of the monster that did something so unspeakable to his baby sister. She was sweet and innocent, besides killing a monster, she wouldn’t even hurt a fly. She was the kindest person anyone had ever met, and that sicko probably took advantage of that.

There was an empty beer bottle on the table. Dean picked up the brown colored glass, inspecting it, then throwing it with all his force at the stairs in front of him. The bottle shattered and dropped to the ground.

Sam stepped into the room quickly after hearing the sound, afraid something worse then a bottle breaking had happened. But it was worse because when he looked at Dean, he saw the face Dean got when he knew he needed to kill something that was hurting someone. But this was more personal because this was Lillian, the girl who he raised from fourteen and was practically his daughter.

“Dean,” Sam spoke softly.

Dean didn’t look at his brother for a second. His head dropped and he sucked in a breath. He then turned to his younger brother.

“As soon as we get a name or anything that can identify this guy-” Dean puffed his chest and took on his protective stance- “we’re going to kill this son of a bitch.”

Before Sam could have any response, Dean turned around and made a beeline for the kitchen.

“Sam?” Jack’s voice said from behind the tall man.

Sam turned around to look at the Nephilim who stood with a concerned look on his face. “Jack, uh, hey, good morning.”

It was morning now, seven a.m. to be exact. And besides Jack, no one else in the bunker got any sleep.

“Is-is everything alright?” The younger boy asked quietly. He could feel the heaviness in the air and he was concerned.

“Um, no Jack, no, not really,” Sam said sadly, looking down at his jeans from the day before he still had on.

“Why? Did you guys find Lillian? Is she okay?”

Oh, Jack, she is far from okay, Sam thought to himself.

“Cas found her, yeah,” Sam explained before he could go into more, heart-wrenching detail about what happened to his sister. “But she’s not alright.”

“Maybe I can help her,” Jack perked up with a boyish, then taking off to Lillian’s room.

“No, Jack,” Sam called to the boy who was already at Lillian’s door.

Jack opened the door to the young girl’s room and what he saw was his first real heartbreak.

Lillian sat on the ground beside the sink in her room. She had no shirt on, just a sports bra covering her and it looked like her bruises had grown and taken on new colors. What little mascara she had on was smudged underneath her eyes and her hair was matted together at the ends.

She looked so broken.

“Hi, Lillian.” Jack squatted in front of her. He had a soft smile on his face as he tried to make her feel safe. He reached his hand out to touch her side so he could heal it, but she screamed, making Jack fall back from his squatting position.

Sam quickly ushered Jack out of the room before he could scare or upset her anymore.

After the door to her room was closed, Jack turned to Sam with a sad expression.

“What happened?”

Sam sighed and looked away, trying to figure out the best way to explain the situation.

“She um...we believe that Lillian was hurt by a man.”

Jack still didn’t understand the severity of the situation. “But she faces male monsters all the time who hurt her.”

“No, no, uh, this is different,” Sam responded with a huff. “He hurt her...uh, sexually.”

Then it started to click with Jack. Things he had learned from Dean about picking up women.

“When they say no, they mean no.”

Jack let a tear slip from his eye.

------------------

It still burnt, the pain wouldn’t subside.

Lillian was sitting on her bed with her knees pulled up and her back against her headboard. She had turned on her TV but she wasn’t paying attention to what was on it. Some hallmark movie playing was just background noise for her. The cherry song playing in the movie as the protagonist walked down the street of some small happy town made tears prick in her eyes.

She stared at the screen, never once blinking as she didn’t absorb the information in the movie. His voice just kept replying in her head. Flashes of the events from the day before were going through her mind.

Her muffled screams, her tears, everything she did was no use because he wouldn’t get off of her.

There was a light knock on her door, one that sounded nothing like her brothers or Cas.

She stood up and unlocked the door and then scoured back to her bed, going right back into the position she had been in.

“Hey, sweet girl,” Jody said as she entered the room softly, Donna following close behind.

“Hiya, Lillian,” Donna greeted.

Lillian looked up, a sense of comfort from the two women forming in her. She gave them a half-smile and a wave.The two women looked at each other before they sat on each side of her on the foot of the bed.

Outside the youngest Winchester’s room stood the four men of the bunker, anxiously waiting for a prompt so they could go kill the man who did this.

“Hey,” Jody said, laying a light hand on Lillian's sock-covered foot. “We’re here for you.”

And that’s all Lillian needed before she broke down. The flood gates opened and her tears and sobs came pouring out.

“Okay, okay, shhh,” Donna said as she moved to the top of the bed to hold the fellow blonde. She reached a hand to Lillian’s face and wiped some tears from her freckled skin.

“Lillian, if you’re ready,” Jody began, saying the last part to let her know that she didn’t have to answer this right now. “Can you tell us what happened?”

Lillian was sucked back into her mind for a second, the events flashing in her brain.

The four men that stood outside the room listened to the cry that was let out. Each of their hearts breaking at the sound of the sob they heard.

“I need some air,” Dean muttered, leaving the three others and heading away from the hallway.

“I was in the last store I was going to for the day,” Lillian began when her breathing was somewhat even. “He walked behind me, his hand grazing my shoulder and a smile on his face. He started to talk to me, and he seemed so nice, and he was cute, so I talked to him, and I flirted with him. But when I went to leave, he followed me...I thought he was just going the same way as me at first, but when he went into the same diner, I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. He stared at me while I ate, and then when I left he caught me outside. He asked me for my number, but I told him no.”

She paused and took in a shaky breath.

“He wouldn’t let go of my arm, and I kept trying-” she punched the palm of her hand- “and trying-” another punch- “and trying.”

Her voice trailed off into a small sob. Jody and Donna both had tears running down their faces as they listened to her.

“And then, he pulled me down an alley...and I, and-”

Jody and Donna had a fire in their eyes that was fueled by hot anger in them. They could imagine how people just passed by and did nothing, not thinking anything of it or not wanting to get involved. They saw it too often being cops, and it was sickening.

“You don’t have to tell us the rest,” Donna assured the young girl, knowing it would be too much for her to do right now.

“Lillian,” Jody said, prompting the blonde to look at her. “What was his name?”

She didn’t want to say it. She was afraid that if she did, he would come in there and hurt her again.

“It’s okay, sweetie,” Jody said in a comforting mother tone. “He can’t hurt you anymore, no one here will allow it.”

Lillian nodded, feeling comfort in that.

“Malachi, Malachi Jacobs is his name.”

-----------------

All Dean saw while he drove was red. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on the son of a bitch who hurt his baby sister. No one who hurt her ever lived. Ever.

Sam sat impatiently in the passenger seat of Baby, his leg bouncing in anticipation. He had cried too much that day and he needed to get rid of the problem.

Although, even if they did kill the monster, that didn’t mean Lillian’s trauma would go away.

Cas sat in the backseat, a stoic expression on his face. He was ready to take any measure needed to make this man suffer.

“How could someone do this to her?” Sam asked the question he had been keeping inside since they figured out what was wrong.

Dean glanced at his brother before panning back to the road. “I don’t know,” Dean replied coldly.

“She’s just so, she’s so nice and sweet and, and-”

Sam couldn’t wrap his brain around the fact that some man, no boy, thought he was so entitled to something that he would...ugh.

“He probably took her kindness and light flirting as an open invitation,” Dean explained through clenched teeth. “And he’s going to die because of that, so.”

“Dean, we’re not actually going to kill him,” Cas said, but instantly regretted it after.

“No one hurts my baby sister and gets away with it. No one.”

That was all the answer the other two needed.

--------------

“Okay, here we go,” Donna said as she helped lean Lillian under the hot water that streamed from the showerhead.

The hot water ran down her back allowing her muscles to relax. The feeling of the water and soap going across her skin made the fire go away. She felt as though she was washing away all the bruises that burned and all that would be left was the memories.

When Donna was done washing Lillian’s hair, she handed the young girl a towel and allowed her to be by herself for a little bit.

Lillian wrapped the towel around her body, her wet hair stuck to her shoulders. She walked up to the fogged up mirror on the wall and wiped it clean. She looked at her reflection, the girl standing back looking completely new compared to the one from earlier.

She still had the same scar on her right cheek, the same freckled skin, the same bright blue-green eyes, all the same, physical appearance. But she couldn’t help but hate her body a little more after what happened.

It felt tainted, used, abused, and all the things in between. She looked at her bare sides and only saw the way his hands had grabbed her. She looked at her wrists and saw the way they wrapped around them and squeezed them so tight, it cut off her circulation. She looked at her lips and saw the way he muffled her cries for help.

She let a singular tear run from her eye before she wiped them away and walked back to her room.

After she got dressed, she sat in the middle of her bed. No voices filled her head now, but she could still feel that burning sensation in her mind.

It was like the memories were branded in her brain. No matter how many good memories her psyche would drag up, the new ones immediately pushed them away.

“Hey, Lillian, can I come in?” Dean’s voice came through the door along with a knock.

“Yeah,” Lillian replied loud enough for him to hear.

Dean twisted the knob slowly and walked into the room. It was a lot brighter than when he walked in earlier, both her lamps were on allowing a cool glow to cast across her room.

Dean looked at the girl who sat on the bed, damp hair slowly noting together as it dried. She had one of his old henley’s draped over her torso along with a pair of leggings adorning her legs. Dean walked over to her dresser and grabbed the blue hairbrush that was sitting on top.

He made his way to sit behind her, his right leg folding under his left. He reached up and began to gently brush the hair cascading down her back.

As he brushed away the knots, the two of them sat in silence for about a minute. Dean continued to brush his younger sister’s hair, even though the knots were gone now. It was calming her, he could tell by how her shoulders relaxed and she didn’t tense up when he would move her hair.

“Did you kill him?” Lillian asked, breaking the silence. She had her head resting on the arms folded over her knees, curled up in a ball.

Dean sighed. “No, but he’ll never come near you again though I can promise that.”

While Dean did want to kill him, Sam had come up with something better. They had Jody call one of her friends from the precinct in Lebanon and after Malachi had taken a good beating, he was arrested. And he was going to spend a long time in prison.

Lillian felt relief wash over her. Dean saying that he would never bother her again made her feel much safer.

“Dean,” Lillian said softly. Dean hummed in response, still working the brush through her hair that matched his in color. “Do you think I deserved it?”

Dean stopped brushing.

Lillian turned back to look at him, tears running down her cheeks. Man, was she sick of crying.

“Baby girl, why would you even think that?” Dean asked with a broken heart at her question.

She shrugged, Malachi’s words ringing through her head. “He said I did.”

Dean’s jaw locked and he ground his teeth together. “I should’ve killed him.” Lillian didn’t respond, she just gazed down to the bruises on her wrists.

Dean took notice of how she was staring at them and grabbed her hands so that she would stop. He moved her hands to the side and placed his hands on her face gently so she would look at him.

“Lillian Elizabeth Winchester, don’t you ever believe what that monster did to you is what you deserved, okay?” Dean said sternly, but his voice was kind. “You are beautiful, kind, and deserve the world. Never believe what he did to you is what you deserve, because you don’t no one does.”

He pulled her head forward and placed a kiss to her forehead and wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her lightly not to hurt her bruises.

-------------------------

Dean ordered pizza that night for everyone. Jody and Donna decided to stay and hang out till the next day, deciding the harsh weather outside would be too much for them to drive in at night.

“Is she gonna be okay?” Jack asked as they sat around the war room table eating.

Dean had told Lillian that there was pizza but she had yet to come out of her room yet. She had moved to her bed and decided to watch the Scooby-doo marathon on TV. Dean was happy with that because at least now she had something to distract her.

“She will be,” Jody said softly with a sigh. She would be fine, but not right now, maybe not tomorrow but she would be.

They were silent for a few seconds as they all ate. Then Dean and Sam perked up as they saw Lillian enter the room slowly.

Her arms folded over her chest as she walked into the room, moving over to the chair between Dean and Sam. Where she normally sat.

“Hey,” Dean said as he watched her sit down in the chair on his right. “How ya feelin’?”

She shrugged. “Fine.” That was how she felt, fine. Almost numb, but the memories still burned in her brain when they reached the surface.

Sam reached with his over with his hand and placed it on her shoulder hastily, and when she didn’t flinch, he pulled her closer for a hug. She sunk into his side and wrapped her arms around his torso from the side and squeezed him tight. They both let out a soft sigh, feeling safe and sound with each other.

Dean smiled at his two younger siblings, basking in the happy moment. He reached his hand over to the box and pulled out a large slice of pepperoni pizza, plopping it onto a plate beside it.

Lillian smiled as Dean sat the delicious food in front of her and reached over and hugged him also. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and placed a kiss on top of her head gently.

When Lillian pulled away from the hug, she looked at all those around her at the table, giving a gentle smile to them. “Thank you,” her voice crooked out. “Thank you guys for being the best family I could ask for.”

While the memories still burnt in her mind and the trauma undoubtedly would never go away, she was glad she had these people. These wonderful people who made the fiery bruises and searing memories a little less painful. It was almost like they were an extinguisher for the flames that were burning her.

Lillian Winchester may have felt hopeless for the past day, but with a family like this around her, she knew that she wouldn’t ever have to feel like that for long.

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