#but I applied for community college finally!! So something good!!!

[dcxdpdabbles]

DCxDP fanfic idea: Big Fish in Gotham Pond

Based off of @saphushia art found here. . I just loved the idea of Tucker not knowing his skill level because he grew up in the boonies

Tucker gets scouted by Wayne Enterprises after he fixes a kid's computer game while in Gotham visiting Danny.

See, Tucker always known he is passable at tech- one has to be when a technology theme ghost is consistently harassing one's best friend- but to be good at something in a small town like Amity Park didn't mean much .

It's a big fish in a small pound sort of deal. That's why he's never put much thought into it. If Tucker were ever to rank himself in terms of school grades, he would say his computer skills were about a C-.

B+ if it was just coding.

His parents also don't think much of his obsession with his PDA or phones. They thought he waste too many hours on them like the rest of his generation.

It didn't matter that Tucker's technology was about five or more years behind his classmates.

The Foley were hard-working people who barely scraped enough for bills. They were never below the property line, but they danced on it often enough that Tucker knew never to ask for unnecessary purchases.

For as long as he could remember, his parents have always worked long and hard hours. He never blamed them for missing so much of his childhood, in fact he was grateful that they worked so hard to keep the roof over his head, but he did miss them.

That's why Danny's house became a haven for him. He was always at the Fenton's place because the loud, wacky family was much better company than the home silence.

Tucker knew that his family's financial situation didn't change how Danny or Sam viewed him. They had his back through tick and thin just as he did for them, but as they got closer to graduation the difference between them became jarring.

Sam had easy picking of what she wanted to do and where she wanted to go. Her parents were so overjoyed that she wanted to go to a university that they didn't even argue about her wishing to major in botanical biochemistry.

She had started house hunting in Star City midway through senior year. Her parents would gift it to her as a graduation present. Sam would live there for the next eight years to finish her degree.

Danny's parents, while somewhat eccentric, were also certified geniuses. Between the two of them, they had five PHDs and were often freelancing for companies when not doing ghost research. They too could send their two kids to college States away with housing not being a issue.

Jazz went to Metropolis to study Physiology. She lived in a small apartment but was doing well off her scholarships and parent's funding. Last he heard, she had a part-time job at the Daily Planet as a research assistant to gain some independence.

Danny wanted to go to Gotham for their engineering program. He, too, had an apartment of his own, with scholarships and equal funding from his parents. He also worked at Wayne Enterprises, but he was a receptionist. He hoped that once he graduated, he could apply for their engineering program

Not Tucker. His family could only help him get into Community College near Amity. He also couldn't afford to move out so he stayed with them, picking up a part time job to help out when he could.

Tucker is a first-generation college student so even though it wasn't much, he loved to see how his parents glowed when telling others their boy was futhering his education. He wanted to do something that paid well- and after years of patching up Danny- he figured nursing would do the trick.

Tucker would do all his basics in the community College, take a break to save up some money and then move on to the bigger schools.

The day of the graduation felt bittersweet. Team Phantom was finally adults, finally starting out in the real world, but while Danny and Sam moved on to bigger and better things, Tucker knew he would be left behind in little no-where Amity Park.

He never brought it up, but he felt a small dosage of envy the last day of summer before his friends finished packing and left.

Despite both being gone, Tucker had little to no social life even though they called, texted, and emailed often. His days blurred between class, work, and home. Even then, classes were long and tedious, work often ending with one or more customers screaming in his face to try and get free food.

His parents quickly started to nag that he should find a wife as they had married young. They couldn't figure out why he didn't want the same, even though he had no social life again.

Life became dull.

Tucker's only sparks of joy were playing online with Danny and Sam - when they found the time to log in or re-coding his old tech to try and salvage it whenever it broke down.

Soon, it became apparent that Tucker was slowly lacking motivation when he started skipping classes to sleep in and started feeling anxious when he needed to clock in for shifts.

It leads to him barely getting out of bed.

He felt horrible about it, thinking his parents sacrificed so much for him only to have him throw away the opportunities they gave him, and the cycle of not being able to get out of bed would start all over again.

It was Danny who caught on, and all but begged Tucker to come to Gotham for a weekend. He even sent money over for the plane ticket.

Tucker couldn't have gotten on that plane fast enough. He arrived early on Friday since the tickets were cheaper- and Uber over to WE headquarters to pick up Danny's keys as they agreed.

That way, Tucker could sleep and rest in the apartment while Danny worked.

Danny would finish his shift and have the weekend plus Monday and Tuesday off to spend with Tucker. When he arrived, Danny was helping a school check in for a field trip, so Tucker sat down to wait.

Next to him, a kid was growling at his laptop, frankly typing and moving his fingers over the computer's touch mouse. Tucker accidentally glimpsed his screen when the kid started swearing in a different language.

It looked like a shooting game but his lag was bad. By the time the boy pressed the buttons to have his little drone move the other flying things he was chasing were flipping though the air and out of his shooting rage.

It sucked when that happened, and since he was using WE free wifi for guests, it was probably the game. The graphics were badass, though. Seemed almost real.

"Hey try updating the system" He tells the kid after seeing the boy once again lag so bad he missed his shot.

Green eyes swing to him drenched in rage. Which yeah, Tucker knows how frustrating that could be.

"Did I ask for your help!?" The boy snaps, his words lined with an upper-class accent. Made sense since he was wearing a Gotham Academy uniform like the rest of the large school group. "Why are you even looking this way, peasant?"

"No, sorry. I just noticed the lag." Tucker raised his hand, slightly amused at the peasant insult. "I thought I could fix it for you."

The boy's face spams, "You believe you have the ability?"

"Ugh sure? I can try?"

"Here. Be quick. The fate of this city's air defenses depend on it" the boy turns his lap top to him and Tucker blinks.

Okay. So fix the game. He can do that.

And he does, quickly opening the code, analyzing the control and commands , he gets it running properly in less then twenty minutes. The boy seems utterly shock but he quickly takes control of the game and shoots down all the escaping ninjas from the sky.

"Thank you." The boy says with no more tense in his shoulders. Then he closes his laptop and dissappears with the crowd of students.

Tucker thought the kid was a cute.

Danny hands him the keys not long after and he leaves.

Never was he aware of the Boy being Damian Wayne and that the game was not a game but a actual defensive drone system that was fighting off the League of Assassins.

He only finds out how important those two facts are when Danny gets a call from Tim Drake asking if he could pass along Tucker's information because the CEO wanted him on staff as soon as possible..

Both nineteen-year-olds lost their minds after getting the call, screaming at each other in ghost shrieks of glee. They called Sam to let her know- and have her lawyers look over the contact Tim Drake sent just to make sure it wasn't a big-time company trying to screw him over.

He went to an interview three days later. He faced Tim Drake, the current seventeen-year-old CEO, Leo Noir, the current head of HR, and Jessica War, the current head of computer services. They asked him many questions about himself- some of which he felt he had answered terribly- then had him take a computer test.

Tucker thought it was busy work, so he quickly breezed through it. He fixed the problem in many of the coding for various programs, adding his flare to the final product, and after thanking them for their time, went out into the lobby.

He hadn't even reached the door before Jesssica ran after him, offering him the job. Apparently, the first two problems they had him do was the busy work. Tucker had thought they were the ones to let him get comfortable with the coding program.

Like a tutorial in video games.

The other seven were actual issues; many of their latest cellphone products failed. Tucker had solved them in an hour, which had taken the actual team of coders about a month.

"Nitey one dollar and thirty-five cents an hour," Tim tells him tapping the hiring contact. "It would be eighty hours every paycheck. You can work here or at home. Full Benefits. What do you say?"

Tucker's jaw drops. "When do I start!?"

He calls his parents to tell them he will be staying in Gotham with Danny. He tries to explain what had happened but it was all so fast that he can only babble about certain parts.

They tell him not to worry about explaining because they understand how much this means to him.

His parents help pack everything for him and when he flies back for it they, offer him hugs and support. Tucker is so glad they aren't mad.

"I sort of knew it was coming," His dad laughs. "You and that Fenton boy have always been inseparable."

"I did the same thing, you know," His mom says, wiping tears from her eyes but smiling all the same. "I moved with your father states away with little to no plan when I turned twenty too. Drove your grandfather mad."

He loves them both so much. He promises to send money- disregarding their denials- and flies back to Gotham, where Danny has opened his apartment until he gets enough for his own place.

He plans on renting a house with three bedrooms, one for him, one for his office, and another for Danny, as soon as he can. He wants to pay his friend back for everything he did and Danny deserves a bigger living space.

And for once, he'll not have to worry about money!

For once, life is looking up!

(What Tucker is unaware of, is that his parents think he moved to the big city to be with his childhood best friend turned recent lover. They don't know that the money he is sending home is from his own payroll and not Danny's. They think he's a stay-at-home husband.

Tucker is also unaware that the Bats are closely watching him in case he goes rogue. They have been slowly "causally" running into him in the city and breaking into his place to check for supervillain activity.)

#dcxdpdabbles #dc x dp crossover #Big Fish in Gotham Pond au #Tucker is unaware of his skills #The Bat's are keeping a eye on him #His parents think he dropped out to be gay in Gotham' #Danny is happy for his best friend #Sam is laughing silly in Star City #Tucker in his main character era #Is Danny in love with him? Who knows

[ms-demeanor]

*screaming*

*continued screaming*

Okay. So. My introductory Visual C# class.

The professor for that class was Alice. Alice was the person who spoke in the introductory video and the person who we were supposed to email if we had any issues.

But all of the assignments, lectures, and quizzes were written and delivered by Bob. On the youtube channel "Bob's programming academy." The quizzes included Bob's name, like "if you do X will it return the string ProfessorBob, Professor, Bob, or Professor.Bob?"

This class was really frustrating for me because it was structured in such a way that you could easily pass the class with zero knowledge of the subject - it was totally based on quizzes that you could take an unlimited number of times and we *had* weekly programming assignments but they weren't graded so there was no incentive to do them (and look, if I wanted to teach myself programming with no incentives I could fail for several years to do that on my own, I don't need to pay fifty bucks a unit for that; the reason I am in a *class* and am not self-taught is because I need external motivation. That's why I sought out a class).

Also when there *was* a problem with an instruction that was unclear in one of the videos for the assignments, or if I thought I'd done something correctly that was very much incorrect, it wasn't Alice who had created the instructions, it was Bob - in 2017 no less - and I didn't really feel like I could ask Alice for help with an ungraded assignment that she hadn't written.

So. Now. My Python class.

Today is the first day of class. Professor is Charles.

I go to the mandatory attendance quiz and it is word-for-word the same mandatory attendance quiz as the C# class, down to the final question "what is your personal email address so I can keep in contact with you after the semester?"

I look at the syllabus.

Class grade is based on quizzes. We have assignments but none of them are graded. There's no textbook, just a series of videos from Professor Bob's Programming Academy.

So I'd been toying with staying at this school and trying to take more CS classes instead of going to another school, just to try to keep my records easier to manage, but since it seems like that *ENTIRE DEPARTMENT* is five Professor Bobs in a trenchcoat, I will probably be going somewhere else (and once again trying to force myself to do projects that I already know are *good for me to do* but *useless for the class and a massive time suck*)

I should drop this class. I should drop this class and apply for the other school so that I can start taking classes there in the spring because if I take this class and then go into the object oriented programming class in the spring and it's another professor bob sock puppet and I end up taking twelve units of programming classes where all I learn is how to google answers in a short time frame (something I already know how to do thanks) I am going to fucking lose it.

Also, again: I have a Bachelor's Degree. I spent five years at a community college when I was getting that degree. I took probably a dozen online classes starting in 2005 and going until 2011 in the process of getting that degree.

THIS bullshit, this "I'm your professor but actually I'm not and all the materials were created by someone else in the department or came directly from the textbook publisher and there is no writing and there are no assignments everything is multiple choice quizzes that are automatically graded" is *dogshit.*

This is NOT how online classes worked back in my day, not even online math classes, and as much as I know adjuncts are getting fucked over by academia in general, this isn't something that these professors should be getting paid as much as they are to do. Alice checked whether or not students turned in a hello world assignment and gave a pass/fail grades for three discussion boards that were responses to youtube videos. Nothing else in the class required her input. If this is the level of instruction that students are getting then the class is already automated and the students shouldn't have to pay for it.

This is crap. This is an incredible level of crap.

[grandlinedreams]

Hey hey hey! Your writing captures these characters in ways that I could never. I’ve had this idea wracking my brain, of Ace as a mechanic for some reason- but, hear me out. The shop owner is Whitebeard, and Ace meets Pops daughter when she comes in to help out one day at the shop not knowing who she is, and I honestly think you can bring this vision to life.

Thank-you, it really is an honor to hear that and I appreciate it!! But also BESTIE UR BRAIN MWAH MWAH MWAH that is SUCH a good concept and I hope that I can do it justice!!

[Heads up!: mechanic!au, afab!reader/gendered terms]

ㅡ

It's sheer luck that lands Ace the job. He's been looking for a while now, desperate to land something that pays more than pocket change an hour because even with Sabo and Luffy also employed, they've been barely making ends meet.

He won't tell them that though, swipes bills out of Sabo's hand before his brother can even open them. "Not your job to worry about it," he tells him when Sabo glares. "It's mine."

He doesn't want them to have to worry about things like that, not when Sabo's found a good balance in college and Luffy's finally considering college at all. So when he finds the ad for the position while aimlessly scrolling through one of the many job application sites, he offers up a plea to whatever god might be listening and applies.

And he gets an interview.

The shop, aptly titled 'Whitebeard Mechanics' is surprisingly in the nicer end of town, situated at the very edge just before the road leads into the sprawling heart of stores and gated communities.

The smell of motor oil is what he catches first, the muffled sound of voices overlapping from an open garage bay and undercut by the whirr of machinery.

"Are you Ace?" He pivots to find the speaker watching him, a man with an interesting cut of blond hair and blue eyes that evaluate him in a way that makes Ace's nerves all the worse. When he nods, the man holds a hand out. "I'm Marco, co-owner of the shop."

"Nice to meet you," Ace says, shaking his hand. Marco's grip is firm, his fingers calloused and seemingly permanently stained with axel grease.

"Pops is waiting for you," Marco says, jerking his head for Ace to follow him into the main building. There's a waiting area with worn chairs and a coffee machine set onto a wheeled storage cabinet, the only decor that of a tropical plant in the corner. "He's in his office."

Ace follows his gesture, a door with a shiny gold plaque that labels it as such and swallows, moving towards it. Steeling himself with a breath, Ace steps inside.

The man sitting behind the desk is Edward "Pops" Newgate ㅡ or at least that's what the little desk tag says, and Ace can tell that the older man would tower over him if he stood. 

"You must be Ace," he greets, gesturing to the plush chair in front of his desk. "Have a seat." 

Ace does so, hands resting on his knees to hide the nervous tremor of them as he watches the other man rifle through a folder ㅡ his application.

"Your references are acceptable," Pops says, and tosses his folder down. "Background checks out, no criminal history…" He leans forward, staring at Ace over steepled fingers. "But why do you want the job?"

Ace blinks. The threat of my brothers and I going homeless and hungry is a great motivator, he wants to say, but he doesn't. Instead he thinks for a moment, shaping his words carefully. 

By the time he's done, Pops is smiling. "Congratulations," he says, "you've got the job." 

ㅡ 

Settling into his new job is surprisingly easy. There's a natural camaraderie when there's no hierarchy to be found ㅡ and friendship comes naturally.

So it's to be expected when Ace comes into work and stops by one of the garage bays, he makes a beeline for the pair of familiar boots sticking out from beneath the undercarriage of a vintage car. 

"Marco," he says as he approaches and knocks his own boot against the one closest to him. "You should come out with me and my brothers for drinks sometime." 

He expects the blond to answer and when he doesn't, Ace frowns and nudges his boot again before stepping back when the dolly begins to roll from underneath the car.

It's only then that he realizes that the boots are not Marco's, and the person on the dolly is not his friend. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't kick my feet while I'm working."

Ace stares for all of thirty seconds before his mouth starts working again. "You're a girl," he says and immediately kicks himself for both how dumb he sounds and how your eyes narrow. "I ㅡ no, I just mean ㅡ I've never met you before."

"It's because she only shows up when she wants to," answers Thatch from behind him, and he watches you roll your eyes and scrub a hand against a smear of oil on your cheek as you get up from the dolly. 

"More like whenever dad decides he wants me to come in and lend a hand," you huff, taking the towel that Thatch hands you to wipe your hands off before you turn towards Ace. "So you're the new guy, huh?" 

"Yeah, I'm Ace," he says, mentally patting himself on the back for not stuttering. Your eyes flick over him, assessing him with a curious gleam to your eyes.

"Nice to meet you, Ace. I'm [Name]." Your attention shifts to Thatch as you clap him on the shoulder and begin walking away with him. "Please tell me dad hasn't killed that plant in the lobby while I've been gone." 

Watching you go, it's only then that Ace registers that you've called Pops dad.

ㅡ 

"So…is Pops really your dad?" 

Weeks worth of tentative exchange and working together has afforded him the chance to eat lunch with you when you're at the shop and with the way you look at him over your sandwich, it's clear that you still think he's a little strange. 

"It's what it says on my birth certificate," you answer, and Ace catches himself watching the movement of your mouth as you talk, hurriedly averting his gaze before you can call him out. "Most of the guys are like brothers to me since I've grown up around them. Dad has a habit of pseudo-adopting the people who work for him." 

He knows that well, the parental warmth with which Pops has a way of talking to him making him try not to think about his actual parents. It doesn't matter, not when he has Sabo and Luffy. 

"And what about me?" The question is out of his mouth before he can stop it. "Am I a brother to you?" 

For one horrifying moment, you stare at him as though he's grown two heads ㅡ and then you laugh. Not mocking, not teasing, a full bodied genuine laugh that Ace swears sounds better than anything else he's ever heard. 

"You're still the newbie," you say, but your tone is colored with affection even as you raise an eyebrow. "Thought you already had brothers."

"I do," Ace answers. He's mentioned them to you a couple of times, entertained the idea of introducing you ㅡ and then immediately scrapped it for fear of the resulting potential disaster. 

But he wants to know where he stands with you, aware that his own feelings for you are a little deeper than just that of coworkers. He's also aware that his boss is your father, and that there are a thousand ways this could go very, very wrong. 

Doesn't stop him from wanting to try, though. And it gives him hope for the fact that you're not immediately writing him off, compelling him to continue, "Let me take you out on a date." 

Of all the things you'd expected Ace to follow that up with, asking you out is not one of them. It's rare that anyone isn't spooked off by your circle of pseudo-brothers, and even rarer still that they don't tuck tail and run when your father is involved. 

You should say no. You should make it clear that there's a boundary not meant to be crossed, even without the fact that your father is his boss. But you can't deny that he's grown on you, with his spatter of freckles and loud laugh, a magnetic charm that draws people to him, yourself included. 

"Okay," you say, surprising both him and yourself. "But you better not disappoint me, pretty boy." 

Ace grins. "Wouldn't dream of it." 

#ㅡmine. #one piece x reader #one piece scenario #ace x reader #portgas d ace x reader #ㅡanswered. #anonymous #–ml: ace.

[petalsnow]

Best Friend (18+)

bang chan x felix 

word count: 3.4k 

genre: smut, fluff - 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI 

warnings: non-idol au, friends to lovers, dom!chan, sub!felix, swearing, excessive alcohol consumption, both characters are under the influence, oral sex, unprotected sex (don’t do this), cumming inside (don’t do this), praise kink, degradation kink, confessions of love.. i think that covers it but if i missed something let me know! 

summary: no matter how hard felix tries, he just can’t shake his feelings for chan.. but he never expected him to feel the same way. 

this is a fictional story. nothing in this fan-fiction represents felix, bang chan, or stray kids as a whole, NOR does it represent their relationships between each other. read at your own risk. 

18+ content below the cut. 

———

felix knew for a while now. he was painfully aware of the feelings he had for his best friend. but that was the problem, and the root of all of this weird tension between them. he was supposed to be his best friend. felix grew up with chan. they were neighbors, classmates, and even part of the same dance group throughout high school. but as time passed, their hang outs grew scarce and their communication dwindled down significantly. after all, they’re both in college now. both busy with their studies and part time jobs. this is whenever felix started to realize his feelings for chan weren’t just the average “bromance” type. he found himself thinking about chan late at night, his chest tightening from the pain of missing him so much. he often would lay in bed and scroll through his camera roll, eyes grazing over pictures of the two of them throughout the years. he hated the feeling. it felt wrong, it felt pathetic. felix of course has no idea how chan feels about him, but he can only assume it’s not mutual. it would be strange if it was.. they’re practically brothers… (felix tries to convince himself). after many long and painful nights of missing his friend, felix decides it would be a good idea to text chan and ask him to hang out. it’s been a few months since the last time they saw each other, it doesn’t seem like a weird request. felix opens up their message thread and finds himself twiddling his thumbs, overthinking what he wants to send. after several back spaces and heavy sighs, he finally decides to press send: felix: hey! i have break from classes today if you want to come over and drink or something. he figures that sounds casual enough and nervously waits for his reply. which comes sooner than he expected, and the blonde headed boy’s head shoots up quickly at the chime of his phone channie: felix! hey!! of course, i’ll be over within the next hour if that sounds okay. i’ll bring some soju. felix finds himself unable to fight the smile that is now beaming across his face and quickly texts back, felix: sounds great bro, see you then. the casual “bro” was thrown in there of course, on purpose. ———

felix has been getting ready for the entirety of the hour that chan said it would take him to arrive at his apartment. changing his outfit five times, changing his hairstyle, and even applying a small amount of makeup just to brighten his eyes and cover a few of his unwanted blemishes.

he is staring at himself in his full length mirror, his final look consists of a comfortable white tee, a oversized light brown cardigan, and some comfy grey sweats. he didn’t want to dress up too much and give himself away.. but he did want to look appealing, and felix is convinced he did just that.

he’s tidying up his hair when he hears three knocks to his front door and his heart inevitably leaps in his chest, he gives himself a final look over and all but sprints to the source of the noise. he takes a deep breath before twisting the nob and revealing his (handsome) “best friend”.

“ahhh felix!” the older boy grins from ear to ear, pulling the smaller boy in for a warm embrace. “how have you been?? i feel like it’s been forever” he adds

“i’ve been good, same shit different day. you know how it is.” felix responds casually, trying not to reveal the enormous smile he now posses.

“ah yes, i get it dude.” he groans in agreement as he pulls away “want me to throw the soju in the fridge?” he questions as he brushes past felix and enters the apartment.

“yeah, that’s perfect” felix nods, shutting the door as his friend heads into the kitchen. felix awkwardly clears his throat, trying to keep himself as nonchalant as possible “how have you been?” he chimes as he follows behind him.

“tired, stressed, exhausted.. the usual” his friend chuckles, taking two bottles of soju out of the pack before placing the rest in the fridge. he smiles, handing one to his friend. “but that’s what these are for.” he smirks.

felix laughs and happily takes the bottle into his hand, twisting the metal cap off. “we both going to drink a bottle by ourselves?” he quirks an eye brow, taking his first sip before chan can reply.

“just like old times.” chan grins back at him, taking a gulp of the liquid down like a champ. “plus, if i don’t drink this whole thing, i don’t think i would be half as enjoyable to be around with how stressed i’ve been lately” he adds.

before felix has time to process what he’s saying he replies with, “you’re always enjoyable to me.” and his face quickly turns a light shade of pink at his abrupt honestly. “j-just because we always have such a good time together.. ya know?” he clears his throat, breaking the intense eye contact with his friend.

chan giggles and walks over to felix to ruffle his hair “of course i know what you mean, i don’t think you’d keep me around for this long if you didn’t enjoy my company.” he says playfully before squinting a little a felix with the newly established proximity. “are you wearing makeup?” he cocks his head

felix swears he could shit himself right there on the kitchen floor. his pink cheeks now turning a deep shade of red. “yeah.. just a little insecure with my acne lately..” he tries to play it off, shoving chan playfully (and so he won’t be so close to notice such details).

“ahh, i’m sorry for pointing it out then” he replies. “come on, let’s go chill in the living room, i’m tired of standing” chan smiles and walks comfortably through his friends apartment, like he owns the place. which, he may as well, he’s been here more times than he can count.

felix silently agrees and plops himself on the opposite side of the couch from chan.

they spend a while catching up, their soju bottles growing lighter and lighter as each minute passes. trips to the fridge are made to retrieve more, several times.

hours have passed now and the sun has fallen from the sky, the apartment lit up only by the glow of the TV screen. empty soju bottles are littered across felix’s floor and both boys are laughing and throwing their heads back over the couch.

“bro, no way you told a girl you loved her on the FIRST DATE?” felix asks in purse disbelief, the alcohol molding him into a bold and now (very) loud person

“and that is why i will never drink tequila on the first date ever again..” chan groans as he hides his face, unable to keep himself from laughing as felix cracks up at this embarrassing story.

their laughter dies down before felix adds to the conversation again, “i haven’t been on any dates in forever, i just don’t have the interest in any girls around here i guess” he shrugs, toying with one of the bottle caps in his hand.

“really? i figured you’d have a list of girls lined up waiting to beat down your door.” chan responds, taking the last sip of the last bottle of soju before resting it on the coffee table close to the couch.

felix chuckles at this and flicks the bottle cap in chan’s direction. “could say the same for you.”

chan catches the cap and flicks it back at felix with a small grin. “sort of, but none of them have kept my interest. more of a one night stand kind of guy lately.”

the bottle cap drops to the floor from chan’s poor aim and felix, now without any distraction, looks up to meet his friend’s gaze.

“i don’t know if could do one night stands.. i feel like i get attached too easily” felix sighs sweetly.

“you always were the hopeless romantic type” chan smiles softly, shifting his position on the couch to fully face felix. “it’s cute.”

felix gulps, sobering up a little at his comment. “t-thanks. it’s kind of embarrassing actually.. it gets lonely” he swallows hard.

chan frowns at his friends response “you can always call me, yeah? you don’t have to isolate yourself”

“no i just mean.. it gets lonely like, romantically. i constantly crave affection and physical touch but most people just want a one time thing and i just can’t see myself being okay with that.” felix explains, toying with a button on his cardigan.

“i know that’s what you meant.. my offer still stands.” chan replies, confidence never wavering in his tone.

felix can’t help but quickly look up, meeting his eyes in a small panic. he doesn’t know if he’s reading too much into it or if chan is trying to hint at what he thinks he’s trying to hint at.. he opens his mouth to reply but chan beats him to it.

“i like you felix.” chan adds, boldly. the alcohol has clearly taken over at this point.

felix blinks hard, at a loss for words. “w-what do you mean?” he asks

“i like you, more than just a friend.” chan clarifies for him. “i’ve felt this way for a while, but we’ve been best friends our entire life and it always just felt so wrong, so i’ve never mentioned it before or made a move.” he shrugs, “but i’m super drunk right now and i’m tired of keeping it in.. so here it is” he nods, looking away from felix and down at the couch in an attempt to make him less uncomfortable.

felix’s adams apple visibly bobs from how hard he gulps, he feels like he’s dreaming. because there is absolutely no way chan just confessed his love for him. after a few seconds of awkward silence, felix finally finds the courage to reply.

“i feel the same way..” he says, barely above a whisper. “… that’s why i wore makeup, and invited you over..” his words slurring “shit, i spent an entire hour getting ready for you…” he’s pouring out now.

chan’s heart aches in his chest at the boy’s innocent confession. “you did all of that for me?” he asks.

“yeah, all for you.” felix nods, still fidgeting with his cardigan. “i love you channie..” his voice cracking, his feelings that have been pent up for years, overflowing thanks to the soju.

“oh felix..” chan trails off, shifting his position to move closer to him, taking felix’s hands into his own to rub his thumb over them. “i’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me sooner.” a sadness washing over his expression

felix sniffles, a small tear escaping one of his eyes. “it’s not your fault, i would’ve never expected you to feel the same anyways.” he whimpers

“i do.. i always have.” chan comforts him, removing his hand from felix’s grasp to wipe the tear off his cheek. “no crying, you’ll mess up your makeup.” he smiles softly, felix’s eyes finally meeting his own.

“kiss me, please..” felix quietly begs.

chan doesn’t need any further encouragement before pressing his lips into felix’s. it’s soft, loving, and warm. chan’s body pressing further into felix as the kiss deepens, felix’s hands finding their way to rest on either side of chan’s face.

the kiss quickly grows more aggressive and sloppy, the sexual tension growing thicker as chan grinds himself into the boy underneath him.

“fuck, we have to stop. i don’t know if i can control myself if we keep going.” chan pulls away from the kiss, catching his breath.

“what makes you think i want you to control yourself?” felix asks, searching chan’s eyes, his hands still resting on his friend’s cheeks.

chan all but melts into felix at his words. “you’re going to kill me.” he growls, dipping his head down to attack felix’s neck with open mouth kisses.

“nooo, you can’t die. you haven’t even fucked me yet.” felix giggles at chan’s desperation and because his kisses tickle there.

chan chuckles are his response and leans back to remove his own shirt, revealing his toned physique.

felix looks up at him in awe. “you’ve.. really been working out lately.” he trails off, mesmerized by the image on display before him.

“yeah, to attract cute little twinks like you.” chan winks before tossing the shirt across the room and leaning back down to reattach their lips.

felix whimpers at the new contact, his fingernails lightly scratching against chan’s back. “need you now.” he manages to get out between kisses.

“i thought you’d never ask” chan mutters before tugging off felix’s cardigan and tee shirt, quickly tossing them across the room as well. “you’re perfect” he moans, drinking in the boy’s small build.

felix blushes, crashing his lips back into the older boy instead of trying to think of a good response. both of the boys have grown rock hard, their bulges rubbing against another at their make out session continues.

“god, felix. i can’t take it anymore, i need you now.” chan moans. shifting to lay on his back. felix crawls i between his legs, slowly tugging at the waist band of chan’s sweatpants.

“can i?” felix asks politely, his innocent doe eyes staring into chan’s.

“fuck yes, of course.” chan’s nods quickly, leaning back into the couch as the boy removes his pants in a swift motion.

“no underwear?” felix cocks his head to the side, nestling himself between chan’s legs.

“never” chan chuckles, resting his head against the arm of the couch to watch felix’s performance.

felix hums softly and takes chan’s length into his small hand, giving it gentle strokes at a steady pace.

chan whimpers, closing his eyes at the pleasurable sight and feeling. “feels perfect ‘lix.”

felix smiles at the pet name as chan’s dick grows harder in his hand, before softly placing his mouth over his erection.

he has a hard time fitting it all at first, but as he gets more comfortable with the size, he begins moving his head faster and deeper.

“s-shit” chan swears, his hips slightly bucking upwards to meet felix’s warm and heavenly mouth. “you’re… so fucking good at this.” chan gasps, running his hand through the top of felix’s hair, slightly pushing his head further down onto his cock.

felix moans around his dick at the small gesture of dominance, which encourages him to go deeper.

chan feels like he’s going to explode, his moans grow louder and he feels a fire burning in his abdomen. he lets felix continue for a couple minutes before he just can’t take it anymore.

“get off, i’m going to fuck you now.” chan asserts, pulling felix off his cock, quickly removing the younger boys sweats in the process.

chan scoffs at felix’s lack of underwear too. “no underwear?” he parrots to the blonde.

“never.” felix retorts with a cheeky smile, chan placing a sweet kiss to his mouth before turning the small boy around and bending him over.

“shit, do you have condoms?” chan snaps out of his lustful spell, checking around the room

“i’m clean..” felix mutters beneath him

“you sure you’re okay with this..?” chan trails off, rubbing the small of felix’s back “i can go get condoms if you want me to.” he reassures him

“no, i’m sure channie.” felix whimpers “please, just fuck me already.” he begs

and just like that, chan’s lustful spell has taken him over again. chan bends down to lick a bold stripe over felix’s tight hole, eating him out quickly but effectively to get him prepped for what’s to come.

felix mewls at the sudden contact and pushes his hips into chan’s touch, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

“as delicious as you taste, i can’t wait anymore, need to feel you ‘lix” chan moans, rising back up to line his cock up with felix’s wet and swollen hole before slowly pushing into him.

“oh fuck… holy shit” chan growls, pushing in and out of the younger boy slowly, setting a soft pace at first. “you’re so fucking tight.”

felix is a whimpering mess beneath the muscular boy, toys curling and back arching. “y-you’re my first.” felix confesses in a high pitch.

“damn right, and i’ll be your last.” chan grunts, slowly increasing his place, caressing felix’s back as he adjusts to his size.

the more comfortable felix gets, the more his ass starts meeting chan half way between each stroke. the room is filled with both of their moans, and the sound of felix’s ass against chan’s dick.

“channie, you’re so big, i fucking love your dick.” felix moans out, gripping the couch cushion beneath him.

“yeah? you’re gonna lose your mind on my cock baby?” chan encourages him, smirking as he slams his cock into his sub. “gonna make you forget how to speak, turn you into such a good cock slut just for me to use.” a hard slap landing on felix’s ass.

felix let’s out a small scream, his eyes welling up in tears at the over stimulation and effect that chan’s words have on him. “p-please, just want to be yours.” felix whines.

“you’re already mine, no need to beg baby boy.” chan grunts, leaning down to press kisses to the back of felix’s neck, wrapping an arm around the small boy to support his collapsing body.

felix melts into his touch, eyes closed and mouth open wide as he lets out the most beautiful sounds chan has ever heard.

“channie.. g-gonna cum.” felix barely manages to get out, gasping for air.

“that’s my good boy, cum for daddy baby. i know you can. show me.” chan encourages in felix’s ear, increasing his pace as felix slowly reaches his climax.

with a loud moan and a tightening grip on one of chan’s thighs, felix let’s go. his cum drenching the couch beneath their bodies, his chest heaving as his high passes over him.

chan peppers kisses all across felix’s neck and down his back as the boy comes down from his high, his pace slowed down significantly.

felix collapses underneath him, trying to catch his breath. chan chuckles softly and maneuvers felix to lay on his back now, their eyes meeting again.

“hey” chan smiles down at him, felix wrapping his legs around chan. “you gonna come back to me?” he asks, felix’s gaze still miles from him, lost in pure bliss.

felix flutters his eyes and draws in a deep breath before nodding at chan’s question. a soft smile creeping across his freckled cheeks.

“you gonna be okay if we go a little longer?” chan questions, placing soft kisses to his cheeks. “i’m almost there.” he reassures him.

“yeah, want you to finish too.” felix sighs sweetly, leaning into chan’s touch.

“okay baby, let me know if it’s too much.” chan adds, and felix nods before chan realigns himself with felix before sliding back into him.

“perfect..” chan whispers “perfect for me.”

his pace is more steady now, deep and slow stroke into felix. he won’t last long now.

“love you channie, love you so much.” felix whines, back arching off of the couch

“god damn it, i love you more felix.” chan groans loudly, his pace growing sloppier at the younger boy’s confession.

chan lands a few more strokes before he meets his climax

“god, i’m cumming baby.” chan throws his head back as felix tightens around him.

“inside, please channie.” felix begs him, spreading his legs further

that’s all it takes to send chan over the edge, emptying himself into felix’s tight hole with a loud moan.

his jerks his hips into felix a couple more times, making sure he gets every drop into him before slowly pulling out and falling onto his back into the couch.

both of the boys catching their breath before either of them break the silence.

felix is the first to slowly sit up, peering over at chan who is still trying to process what happened. felix crawls over chan’s body, arms on either side of him, caging him in.

“you still just a one night stand type of guy?” felix playfully cocks his head to the side.

“shut up and kiss me.” chan rolls his eyes before felix giggles and presses a kiss to his lips.

“i’ve waited for this my whole life” chan whispers, meeting felix’s eyes

“you have no idea..” felix whispers back, eyes glazing over with tears.

———

the end :) i hope you enjoyed <3 

#stray kids #stray kids smut #bang chan #felix #chanlix #chanlix smut #skz smut #lee felix #channie #christopher bahng #felix smut #channie smut #bang chan smut #dom bang chan #sub felix

[thebrightsilverlining]

How Apollo Justice Became a Lawyer at 22: Using U.S California Law

So Apollo Justice is 22 years old in AA4. This may seem young, especially considering the fact that he doesn’t have the excuse of getting his degree in Europe like all the ridiculously young attorneys in this series do, but it’s actually not too much of a stretch. At least, not where the localization takes place. So switch out your ramen for hamburgers, it’s time to talk about U.S California law!

See, there are 3 ways to become a lawyer in the state of California.

Option 1: Bachelor’s degree. Then law school.

This option is the most common and is available in all states. You get a 4 year bachelor’s degree. Get a 3 year law degree. Take the bar. And boom! You’re a lawyer! With this option you’d be a lawyer by 25, provided you finished high school at 18 like the average individual.

Of course, this can’t be what Apollo did. Not only would it take too long, but let’s be real. He’s an orphan who aged out of the system. And 7 years of school? That’s expensive as hell. I doubt he’d even be able to afford it. But not too worry! There are still 2 more options he could choose from!

Option 2: Associate’s degree. Then law school.

See, California is a unique state. It’s one of the few states where you do not have to get a bachelor’s degree to go to law school. Why waste your time (and money) getting a bachelor’s degree when you know what you want to do with your life? Instead, you can get an associate’s degree (or complete 60 credit hours) and then apply to law school! This knocks your time in school down from 7 years to 5 years!

This, however, still can’t be what Apollo did. Even though community college would be far cheaper and much more accessible to Apollo before he went to law school, he’d still be 23 if he took this option. Which is one year too old. But never fear! For our final option manages to not only set us at the perfect age for Apollo to start AA4, but it’s also the cheapest of them all!

Option 3: Law Office Study Program (LOSP)

So you don’t want to get a bachelor’s degree OR an associate’s degree. Hell, maybe you don’t even want to go to law school! Buy you do still want to be a lawyer. Well, you’re in luck! Because, in the state of California, you don’t even have to go to law school to become a lawyer! Nope! Instead, California allows people to do a 4 year apprenticeship rather than go to law school in order to become an attorney. 

You need a sponsor (the person who will be mentoring you) who must have at least five years of good standing with the bar. They can be either a judge or an attorney and they’ll be responsible for teaching you everything you know! Sure, they’ll be reports sent to the bar regarding your progress (along with some smaller fees) and you’ll have to meet a certain number of hours per week (similar to that of a part-time job), but otherwise? They pretty much give the sponsor free reign to teach how they like!

This is the option that Apollo likely took! At least, in “California.” It’s 4 years, which sets him right at 22 years old at the start of AA4, and it’s perfect for a poor orphan aging out of the system with little money. Plus, it offers a hands-on, individualized education that you can’t get anywhere else!

This comes with the added side-effect of Apollo and Kristoph having known each other for a minimum of 4 years, as Kristoph would’ve had to have been Apollo’s sponsor/mentor. Something that makes a lot of sense considering Kristoph’s perfectionism. After all, the best way to get the perfect prodigy is to quite literally teach them everything they know, with no outside interference from things like other professors or classmates.

So there you have it! How Apollo Justice became a lawyer at 22 years old!

#ace attorney #aa4 #apollo justice ace attorney #apollo justice #kristoph gavin

[anarchy-and-piglins]

I got stuck in 2 hours of traffic and got an AU Idea.

Dark SBI because I'm nothing if not consistent.

TW: character death (he gets better, though. Or, well, he reincarnates. Techno is just temporarily dead.)

Anyways, the whole world knows one truth.

God is Dead.

Or, at least, the being people remember as god is dead.

They all argue on the how and the why and the when and the who. But every culture agrees that the only god that walked the earth is dead.

And he took magic with him.

Modern time, archeologists discover an ancient underwater temple, absolutely gorgeous and in its original state. Sending robots down, they discover this one room that MUST be important. It's locked up. And it has these strange markings on it that remind them of texts on magic. But magic is gone, so they aren't worried.

Turns out, they should've been worried.

Because god was not dead.

He was imprisoned.

Philza, the one revered as a god, had once ruled the world. Completely. Wholely. His magic and might prevented anyone from standing against him.

Of course, he didn't do it alone.

His best friend was human. A master swordsman who literally did not CARE about knowing magic. That could be Philza's thing. He was a strategist, a scholar, a warrior, and a god's best friend.

He was Technoblade.

Technoblade would refuse his friend's insistence that Technoblade become immortal, uninterested in playing life on easy mode. Besides, he already couldn't be beat. Technoblade never dies, he didn’t need magic.

A coup happens, unthinkable. But Techno is getting older. Slower. So he gets caught. And the conspirators use that against Philza. Technoblade will die or Philza will consent to being bound.

It's not a hard choice for Philza.

But, as they are shutting the doors on his tomb, one conspirator grins and slits Techno's throat, leaving Phil's final view of his friend being Techno dying.

When Philza is released, he is FURIOUS. Thousands of years have only made his wrath grow.

The death toll approaches millions, before someone who knows even a fraction of the ancient language is able to convince Philza to talk to them. But, the language is OLD. It is HARD to communicate in a LONG DEAD language.

Philza doesn't calm down, but he ceases his rampage. And then he notices the faint trace of his friend's soul, somewhere in the world. He can't tell where, but it's THERE. Techno has been reincarnated. He tells the interpreter that his revenge will only end when they bring him the person he needs.

The remains of the human government agree because what else can they do?

But, ancient language, you know. Unfortunately, somethings get lost in translation.

Translator thinks that Philza is mad at Technoblade and wants to murder him.

So all the governments think the same.

When Philza gives them a description of the person, the governments start a MANHUNT. When everyone promises Phil that they will find Techno, Philza is pleased and actually retreats to create a palace worthy of his friend. Somewhere he can keep him safe.

Technoblade is not feeling very safe when he sees his face on the TV, claiming that he is now WANTED. He literally has 1 semester left. Just One. And then he would graduate college. He already spent money on the GRE, applied to graduate programs.

What was he supposed to do with this?!?!?!?

It's a good thing he always liked camping.

Techno FLEES. Gets off the grid as soon as possible. He can't trust ANYONE. Finds an old abandoned cabin in the middle of nowhere and settles in. He is NOT going to get murked by an ancient god that's not going to happen.

Years pass, Techno is not found. Philza is getting antsy. The governments are getting nervous. Especially when cults start popping up, fanatics on every corner crying wolf about ever person VAGUELY looking like Techno.

It's some teenage campers that get him caught.

They had lost their way in the woods and stumbled across Techno and his cabin. Techno tries to hide his face, his hair, any identifying features. He thinks he's managed it.

He didn't. They turn him in the moment they get back.

Techno tries to fight back, but what exactly is he supposed to do when he's surrounded by swat teams?

They drag him back in chains to a government facility. Somehow the news gets informed of him being found. It's a media circus as Techno is dragged to the deific palace that Philza has crafted. He is yelled at, things thrown at him, disgruntled cops leaving bruises and scrapes all over him. He's exhausted, starving, dehydrated. He is in awful shape, everyone in the world blaming him for their suffering.

He can barely struggle when he is dragged in front of Philza, forced onto his knees before a throne with his hands cuffed behind his back.

The throne room is quiet.

Silent.

Philza slowly gets up. Approaches near silently as Techno's heartbeat is loud in his ears.

Philza kneels before him, gently tips his chin up to meet his eye.

And Philza grins, his smile brighter than the sun, and presses his forehead to Techno's. Techno flinches because Philza brushes against a sore spot, only then does Philza seem to realize what kind of state Techno is in.

Philza demands answers. The translator and Techno's captors struggle to give him a good answer. An argument starts, the tension thick and Technoblade has been through a lot.

He collapses, Philza catching him.

The steps of Philza's palace are covered in oceans of blood, it dripping down the sides and into the road. The bodies are left for hours, no one brave enough to collect them.

Philza stores Techno deep within his palace, somewhere no one can find him or hurt him. And starts the process of making Technoblade immortal.

Whether he likes it or not.

Anyways, hope you enjoy <3

Curses on you Lenn, you dropped this in my inbox several days ago and it's still all I can think about. The brainrot is real and the urge to write this is big. Vengeful God Philza who is horrific to anybody except his favorite mortal is so good, and combine it with 'has no clue what's going on' just a guy Techno... perfection.

So many fun questions left unanswered:

How does Phil feel about Techno not having his memories? Does it sadden him? Does he try his best to educate Techno about their shared history? Or does he not really care as long as Techno is safe, is his, and can never be taken from him again?

Can Techno even get his memories back? If yes, what happens when he does? How does he feel about them?

How does making somebody immortal work (and can I make Techno whump out of it?)

Once Techno does realize that Philza isn't meaning to kill him, how receptive is he to this new life of his? Is he still going to try and get away (maybe even after becoming immortal) or is he open to trying to befriend Phil? How does Phil react if Techno doesn't want to stay?

Does Phil chill the fuck out once he has Techno back or does the trauma of seeing his bestie die + many years of isolation mean he's kinda permanently in 'if you look at him I'll kill you' mode. Kinda hope it's the latter because then we can go so hard on the dark fluff and possessiveness/protectiveness.

#asks #thoughts #dark sbi #technoblade #philza #there's so much more brain is going brrrr #but I need to chill before I plan a longfic

[visforvengeance]

Hey!

It’s been a minute😭.

However, I have been watching The Bear and loving it. Jeremy is actually the love of my life. But I wrote something for Carmen and I’m feeling iffy about it:

Rue rushed through the door, ignoring everyone except for Carmen. He sat on his bed as he watched his best friend bounce around in his bedroom.

“It’s here! It’s here! It’s here!” She squealed while clutching the unopened envelope to her chest.

Carmen was dreading the day when they received their acceptance letters. He hadn’t told Rue that his college of choice was in New York. He knew that Rue would be attending college in Chicago, but fucking Carmen. He always did have to strive for the best.

He felt like shit, but the pure excitement on Rue’s face was infectious. He couldn’t help his smile as they switched envelopes, now holding each other’s futures in their hands.

“I’ll go first, you ready?” He watched as Rue bit at her nails anxiously, she nodded. Carmen opened the letter, he spared one glance at Rue before he began reading.

“Dear Ms. Winston, I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted as an official student of the English Literature and Arts Department…” Rue’s hearing had faded as she allowed the words to process.

When it finally hit her, she rushed into Carmen’s arms. Her tears soaked into the cotton of his shirt but he didn’t let that deter him from telling Rue just how proud he was of her. When they pulled away, he held her face in his hands as she took deep breaths to calm herself down. He looked into her eyes, silently asking if she’s okay. She nodded, looking back into his blue ones.

Rue carefully tore into the letter, her eyes scanned over the paper. The Institute of Culinary Education, 225 Liberty Street, 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10281. New York? No, this can’t be. He’d tell her if he was going to New York, right?

She cleared her throat and began reading, “Dear Mr. Berzatto, we are very pleased to offer you admission into The Institute of Culinary Arts.” Her throat ran dry as she read. What the fuck?

“Why didn’t you tell me you applied for New York?”

“You’re the one who told me not to tell you,” he huffed, suddenly feeling defensive at his lack of mentioning.

“It’s fucking New York, Carmen! I meant don’t fucking tell me if it was in the goddamn state. I thought that was obvious. Why there, anyway?”

He felt strings tugging at his heart as her voice cracked. Why did he choose New York? A 944 mile drive away from his home? His family? From Rue? When making his decision, Rue was the last thing on his mind at the time. Mikey not allowing him to work at the family restaurant really fucked with Carmen’s nerves.

Lack of communication led to him believing that his brother thought he wasn’t good enough. So, Carmen figured “maybe if I go to this prestigious school and become the world’s greatest chef, he’ll think I’m good enough then.” 15 year old Carmen had made up his mind, everything else be damned. But, nothing would prepare him for the moment it came time to tell his best friend that he was leaving her.

“It’s the best culinary school in the state,” Rue felt sad. She felt fucking elated that Carmen was getting into the school of his dreams, but it being 14 hours away was breaking her heart. She didn’t want to make him feel bad or ruin this moment, but the way she could feel herself start to sweat was overwhelming.

Rue decided to drop it. She feared he would think she was clingy and she’d anger him. Rue willed her tears to dry and quickly smiled. “I’m so proud of you,” Rue was genuinely so proud of Carmen. She wanted nothing more than for him to succeed. If him succeeding meant she had to cheer him on from Chicago, then she’d do it proudly.

Carmen could feel the sadness radiating from Rue. He knew what she was doing. The switch from being on the verge of tears to smiling brightly, that was a reaction he’d seen far more than he liked. Being the reason wasn’t something he liked too much, either. But, when she said that she was proud of him, he believed her. He always believed her.

How are we feeling about it? Are the vibes impeccable? I’ve been wanting to make this a series also. And if this doesn’t get the kind of response I want and you actually do want to read it, then it will be posted on my Ao3 soon.

Here’s the link to my Ao3 profile!

#carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto angst #carmy berzatto #carmen berzatto #the bear #x reader #x black reader #carmen berzatto imagine #Carmen berzatto smut

[hollyhomburg]

Do any of the pack members besides m/c and yoongi have contact with their families/parents/siblings? Do they have good relationships with them?

i think they have varying degree of contact between their families, hobi and his parents had a falling out during his time with his last pack- partially orchestrated by them i think tbh, it's kinda hinted at in the last chapter but i bet he calls his parents like 2-3 times a year.

i think jk and his parents probably call every few days, he probably hops on a train to go see them once or twice a month. but since they know he's well taken care of they kinda have a bit more of a lax parenting style with him, they've definitly heard a fuck ton about the m/c at this point. and i bet jin calls them whenever jk has a seizure and gets him on the phone with them just so that they know he's safe. i don't think they'd meet the m/c until like- christmas time or so- idk i love the idea of them being very accepting of jk's big ass pack being a small couple that they where. i think jk's alpha parent is like- super fucking mello mostly because one of his parents was a beta and because of that he and yoongi have always vibed.

Namjoon does keep in contact with his family- as i've mentioned before- he came from an absolutely massive like small town sized pack. i'm thinking the pack was 4 omegas and 4 alphas that all kinda raised their kids/fucked until they wheren't quite sure who belonged to who.

Namjoon's biological omega mother is dead though- i'm thinking she got a concussion and just...never woke up. i don't think namjoon ever talks about it but i think he was probably the one who found her, which is why he decided he wanted to go into medicine in the first place.

His parents are also kinda like the definition of hippies- like the'd be more likely to apply mud to a cut then put a bandaid on it. like in my mind they probably have nudeweeks and go out and commune with nature and do mushrooms a fuck ton. they're not exactly the same type of people and because of that namjoon moved a great distance away. the pack proably all travels to meet them at one point for namjooon's pack alpha's 60th birthday or something- but jin and yoongi probably met them all shortly after meeting. i bet yoongi embraced the lifestyle a little too much and they where all glad to go back home after a crazy weekend.

Namjoon probably has upwards of 10 or so siblings, he checks in on the omega ones more often than the alpha ones (the alpha ones where always a little bit more competitive with namjoon in my mind) in my head he probably has a little omega brother he helped through college a little bit, maybe a tad bit financially and more with the studying. i get the idea of jin and yoongi dropping them off meals every few weeks or during finals- just being cute and looking after them.

as it's already mentioned tae and jimin's families disowned them, however i do think that tae's mom tries to reconnect with her a few years down the line shortly after she and the m/c have their first pup. probably on accident like- running into tae and the m/c while they're at the grocery store. And tae makes a split second decision not to allow them to meet. there would be something in tae that didn't get it until that moment- but now she does because she'd do anything for the m/c's little pup- for any of the packs pups- she'd rather die than let any of them be treated the way her mother treated her. And tae decides that she has all the family she'll ever need- that her mother doesn't get to know her pups.

one of the reasons why i don't mention their families alot in bily is because it would just get way way way too complicated and long, but thank you for asking about it!

[cookinguptales]

travel rambling!! under the cut!! because I do intend to ramble!! a lot!!

like if you thought that wwdits was a hyperfixation of mine, you've never heard me talk about some of the religious traditions I've studied. lmao

SO first of all, religious syncretism is when elements of two or more religions/traditions are incorporated into religious practice. A crossover episode, if you will, and I am obsessed with it. When I was in college studying religions and folklore, it quickly became a driving force in my intellectual curiosity.

I've always been really interested in how people pick and choose from different traditions to create their own personal belief systems, and syncretic religions can be this on a micro or macro level. We could be talking about something as individualized as a self-identified pagan assembling a collection of beliefs and rituals from various world mythologies and written/online sources, or we could be talking about something as established as Louisiana Voodoo, which is a syncretic religion with strong influences from Roman Catholicism, various West African religions, and Haitian Vodou.

Syncretic religions form in a lot of ways... immigration, colonialism, natural spread of tradition, purposeful assemblage of disparate ideas, etc. Sometimes there's a history of blood, sometimes a history of love, sometimes a little bit of both. And man, I feel like there's just something so human about it.

The thing I love best about stories is the way they grow and change within us. When you hear a story, you resonate with certain parts of it. You remember some parts best. And when you retell that story, you can't help but imbue it with a little bit of your own self. The parts you loved and the parts you hated and the parts you want to emphasize or deemphasize or embellish. You can't hear a story without taking it into yourself, and you can't tell one without making it your own -- even if you retell it word for word.

And I guess religious syncretism is the final form of that, a little bit? Taking ingredients from every part of your life, real and imagined and studied and genetic, and mixing them together into the precise stew that nourishes you best, either on an individualized or communal level.

I digress.

I started out with Egyptology in school, abandoned that for several reasons, and realized what I really loved learning about was religion, especially on a practical and/or vernacular level. (i.e. what people actually do rather than the ur version of whatever philosophy we're talking about.) Then Some Stuff Happened and I added on East Asian Languages and Civilizations and really started leaning into learning about Japanese folklore and religions, especially once I started studying in Kyoto.

When I was studying in Japan, I really wanted to learn a lot about Shinto. The concepts behind it had been kind of ill-defined for me, and I wanted to really nail down what people were even talking about when they talked about Shinto. But... to my surprise, even the Japanese people I talked to were really vague on the subject. Which made sense, I guess, as I learned more about it.

I was really, really lucky, actually, because a professor who knew quite a lot about Shinto came to teach at my (American) school shortly before I graduated. It's not easy to find good classes on that subject in the US, especially outside of the west coast and Hawaii. But we had a whole symposium where experts from all over the world came and discussed various research projects on the subject and I was So Happy. lmao

I'm not... gonna get too into Shinto right now. My final assignment for that class, IIRC, was to write a 15 (20?) page paper on the topic "what is Shinto?" so that... might give you an idea of how complicated the question is. lmao.

Suffice it to say, for now, that Shinto is a name that we've retroactively applied to a series of disparate practices and belief systems in what would eventually become Japan. So... in that respect, it's an indigenous religion of Japan, or at least a modern understanding of many of them.

(People think of Japan as one cohesive country because it is now, but maybe think of that period as being more like Ancient Greece? Lots of small little villages and towns (think city-states) that were separated by topographical features and therefore had their own cultures before they were unified into the country we know of as Japan much later.)

Shinto, as a modern concept... ugh, it's still super complicated. There are deities or spirits called kami, and there are several big, important ones like Amaterasu and Susanoo, but also there's just this thought that almost everything can contain a kami because everything has a spirit. (It's animism, baby.) So there is a spirit of that big boulder, a spirit of that mountain, a spirit of that tree, and they're all kami. There are literally thousands of kinds of kami, and they're everywhere at all times. People can become kami after they die, man-made objects can become kami. (Sort of Velveteen Rabbit style.) And in Shinto shrines, these kami are enshrined and venerated and kept happy. Like any deity, they can help or they can hurt, y'know?

There's... a lot more to it than that, some of it extremely political, but that's the essence of it, I think. Kami veneration. (What that entails is... debatable, too! haha)

God, and that was my short version. That's not even what I wanted to talk about.

All that is to say that that's what I was trying to study my first time in Japan. The second time I was in Japan (a few years ago) I heard about Shugendo, which is a highly syncretic mountain-based religion in Japan that has dwindled quite a bit over the years, but not entirely.

Shugendo, to my understanding, is a syncretic religious tradition comprised of elements from Shinto, Buddhism (especially Esoteric Buddhism), and local traditions about local deities. It's extremely mountain-centric, and most important places in Shugendo are on top of mountains. (Which... make them very difficult for my disabled ass to get to.)

The point, though, is the climb. It's a highly ascetic tradition, so practitioners, or yamabushi, would often push themselves to their physical and mental limits. They'd live out in the wilderness, often alone for long periods of time, and make do with what they found out there. One of the places we're going has a very distinct food tradition just because it's largely born out of the increasingly creative scavenging yamabushi would do while out on the mountain. They figured out how to eat a lot of things that most people would not eat. lmao

The important part here, though, is near-constant meditation and going to a sacred place (the mountain) and becoming one with that sacrality. It's trying to find enlightenment through nature and the divine. It feels similar to the Romantic concept of the sublime to me, y'know? And there's stuff about gaining superhuman spiritual powers through all this, too, though I don't know as much about that. (YET.)

One of the reasons why it's kind of hard to learn about is that there are very few practitioners these days. This is partially due to a generally dwindling number of people who identify as religious in Japan, partially because there were never that many practitioners to start with, and partially because... it was illegal for a while! (More on that later.)

Man, though, I wanna learn about it.

Shugendo has kind of become my white whale over the last few years, and there's a lot more information now on the internet than there was when I first started learning about it, but it's still often frustratingly vague!

This time, though, my dad was like "well, we're going to be there for quite a while and you already showed me most of the important tourist spots last time, so is there anywhere off the beaten path you really want to go?"

Now. This was a very brave thing to say to me, considering some of the weird-ass places I dragged him to last time. This man turned and looked me in the eye, the same woman who made him go to the moss temple and the cricket temple in the same goddamn day that we wandered through the bamboo forest in Arashiyama at night after I cheerfully told him that the shrine there was most famous for a ghost story. He said it was one of the creepiest experiences of his life!

haha. memories.

anyway. He looked me in the eye and asked me if there was anywhere unusual I wanted to go. And I slapped open a map of Wakayama and was like I WANNA DO THE KUMANO KODO.

Now... I was not going to hike the entirety of an ancient pilgrimage route. Like I said before, my dumb (but highly excitable) ass is disabled. I cannot physically do that. But I wanted to see the main shrines and temples on the route (shrines=Shinto, temples=Buddhist!) and hike a very small portion of the 1000-year-old route, some of which STILL EXISTS AS A ROAD. *_*

And I wanted to go because... Shugendo!!!! The Kumano Kodo is a popular pilgrimage route for yamabushi!!! That whole Kumano region is sacred for practitioners of Shugendo, and I was like! Heck yeah! I can learn a thing!

But... Dad got injured. ;; And I'm used to pain, but he is not. So I'm not going to make the poor man hike. I want him to heal and get better and not strain his torn abdomen too much.

So I kind of abandoned that idea.

(Side note: I was asking Dad what he thought his physical limits were going to be so I didn't overplan and he was like "well, you can't do that much either, so I don't think we'll do too much" and I was like "what do you mean?" And he said "well, there's nothing that'll hurt me that won't hurt you, too, and you're not going to want to hurt yourself to see things." and I was like "hmm" and I realized that my father does not really understand my existence at all. lmao)

Then I was thinking, though, and I remembered reading about sokushinbutsu awhile ago. I wasn't actually thinking about going to see them initially; Dad and I were just driving up the coast and it's a long drive so I was cheerfully rambling. So I was explaining the basic concept to him and I was like "yes, and I heard that one of the temples is so sacred that you have to go barefoot throughout the grounds, even in winter" and I googled where it was, exactly, because I couldn't remember and

YAMAGATA.

I looked at it and I thought about the Dewa Sanzan and I googled how much climbing those mountains actually require and then I was like

hey dad wanna go to some extremely sacred mountains in northern Japan? they let you drive to the shrines.

And he was like "...why those mountains specifically?"

And then I had to tell him about Shugendo, because yessss that's another very important place for it. I'd always sort of associated the idea of sokushinbutsu with Shingon (esoteric) Buddhism and Kukai, the founder of which, because I knew that it was said that he still rests at Koyasan in eternal meditation.

(YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO KOYASAN TOO! *HIGH KICK*)

But! It turns out that it's actually more of a Shugendo tradition, especially in the Yamagata region, though legend does go that Kukai brought the concept to Japan.

So... what is sokushinbutsu?

(CONTENT WARNING uhhh corpses, religious self-harm, starvation, general morbidity, if you google this know that there WILL be pictures.)

Sokushinbutsu are often referred to as living Buddhas or living mummies. The long and short of it is that highly ascetic monks would be mummified, and they would start this process while they were still alive. It's... a pretty difficult process to read about, so I won't go into a ton of detail here, but if you google "sokushinbutsu" you can find way more information.

I will say that it involves slowly reducing food and water intake and increasing the intake of... well, poison, honestly. Both tea made from the Japanese lacquer tree, which has the side effect of sort of lacquering the organs, and local spring water -- which in the case of Yamagata, involves pretty large amounts of arsenic. People all over Japan attempted this process, but by far the highest number of known successful cases are in Yamagata. This is partially because of the popularity of Shugendo there, and partially, people think, because their water had such a high amount of arsenic, which when combined with the loss of adipose tissue and hydration, as well as the lacquer, sort of mummified the organs while the person was still alive.

This process would eventually kill the practitioner, but... I mean, it takes about a decade. This is not something undertaken on a whim. It is an absolutely grueling practice that is considered incredibly sacred. It's a way to ascend past your mortal body and achieve enlightenment, but only for the most devout and devoted practitioners.

(There's a whole lot about ascending past mortal bodies in Buddhism, but I think that and corpse meditation are a different discussion.)

I say that the practitioner "dies", but... I mean, in a scientific sense, yes. These people would die. Shortly before death, they would be placed in a pit underground and essentially buried alive with only a bamboo tube to allow air and sound in and out. They would be given a bell and would periodically ring it to let others know they were still alive. When they stopped ringing the bell, the tube would be removed. They'd come back and check on the body in a few years, and if it had decayed, it was considered a failed attempt and reburied. If it had mummified, it was considered a successful sokushinbutsu and taken out so it could be displayed for veneration.

This is the important part, though. If the process was successful, these are not considered dead bodies. This is a person who achieved Buddhahood while still alive, and they are considered to be in a sort of eternal repose. You go to them to pray and meditate, and often amulets are made from their robes (which are changed every 6-12 years) so people who come to pray can take some of their power home with them.

So... I want to go to learn about Shugendo, but I knew that seeing the sokushinbutsu would be a selling point for Dad... You just have to know how to sell things, I guess.

(You might know from my other posts that I have extremely mixed feelings when it comes to the display of human remains in museums, but I genuinely can't think of a more vociferous consent than the act of sokushinbutsu. Going to see them feels like honoring their wishes, and I do feel that some of them are very beautiful, in a way. So I am looking forward to the experience, though I'll admit to feeling a little trepidation.)

So we will be visiting the Dewa Sanzan, Hagurosan, Gassan, and Yudonosan!

(-san means the same as Mt. in Japanese! so Fujisan is Mt. Fuji. I usually still use -san with mountains out of habit, and Gassan is... incredibly hard to pronounce without doing that, to the point where it is often translated as "Mt. Gassan." lmao. Japanese double consonants are fun.)

The part of this I am most excited about is... Hagurosan has a museum about Shugendo! IN ENGLISH. I cry!!! Apparently one of the yamabushi currently living on Hagurosan is a westerner! Who really wants to teach other westerners about Shugendo! So the Dewa Sanzan website is excellent and I'm so fucking excited to go there and learn.

(They also had yamabushi training programs if you want hands-on knowledge but again. My disabled ass cannot clamber up and down a mountain, unfortunately. ;;)

Yamagata's a large prefecture, though, so the plan is to drive around a bit. We'll be driving between the mountains (but not up Gassan because it'll be too snowy that time of year and I think that one might be hiking-only access...?) and seeing a bunch of shrines and temples. We're also going to spend a night at Hijiori Onsen, a hot spring town in the caldera of an ancient volcano, and a night at *drum roll* a shukubo!

This is Dad indulging me again. Shukubo is a type of shrine or temple lodging. (Usually temple. But this one is a shrine! For reasons I'll get into in a minute!) Essentially, you stay overnight in a religious lodging. You might be invited to attend morning prayers with the monks, specific rituals (Koyasan's are famous for the goma fire rituals), sutra-copying, guided meditation, etc. Traditionally speaking, these were usually stayed at by religious pilgrims, and some were reserved solely for monks, priests, yamabushi, etc. These days anyone can stay at them!

We'll be staying in two during our trip! One at Koyasan, which I hear has tragically become a bit uhhh influencer-y, and this one at Hagurosan.

Now. Why is this a shrine, even though the building was clearly designed to be a temple? Why was Shugendo illegal for a while? Well... I won't get into all the details, but suffice it to say that during different points during Japan's history, either Buddhism or Shinto have been prioritized by the government, and during those periods, the other tended to suffer.

When Buddhism first arrived in Japan in the sixth century CE, it was introduced from China and Korea and had... some settling to do, I guess? Shinto was largely what was accepted in Japan at the time, and people kind of struggled to reconcile the two concepts with each other. Enter the concept of honji suijaku, which is where this baby gets really syncretic.

It's... complicated, like most of this is, but the basic idea is that kami came to be seen as manifestations, or alternate forms, of Buddhist deities. (Buddhas, bodhisattvas, etc.) The Buddhist deity was appearing in the form of kami to better help people in Japan. So the kami and the Buddhist deities were one and the same, just in different guises. These syncretic deities were called "gongen" in Shugendo, which has elements of both religions in it, and were highly venerated.

But... when politics changed and Shinto was again elevated, there was a forcible separation between Buddhist and Shinto spaces. Like... as in an often violent, state-enforced separation. Shugendo, as a syncretic religion of both, was outlawed. At Dewa Sanzan, most Shugendo and/or Buddhist temples converted to Shinto, and they remain that way to this day. (And RIP to many of the Buddhist statues in the area, which have been sadly beheaded.)

So! There are a lot of buildings around there that are clearly Buddhist in origin but have nevertheless become Shinto. The shukubo we're staying at is one of these.

We're gonna see so many temples! So many shrines! We're gonna go to an onsen! We're gonna learn! Some stuff! See! Some things! Some of which are too sacred to even talk about because it's forbidden!

I am excited.

This is only like three days out of a much longer trip but I am like

every time I think about it.

(Okay, I'm actually a little worried about the shrine I'll have to go barefoot for because it's going to be cold as shit and my joints are... bad. But I can manage!)

okay now this is the longest post on earth so I'm gonna stop here, but we're gonna do SO MUCH and we're gonna see SO MUCH and we're gonna learn SO MUCH and my nerdy little heart is on FIRE.

#long post #very very long post #but I put it under a cut because I love you #the travel bug

[tobydandelion]

I'm actually, legally, free now.

In the summer of 2022, I escaped long term physical and emotional abuse by a partner, who had kept me trapped with her by taking advantage of my disability for about 8 years. More than a year after my physical escape, I've now finally won the battle for my legal freedom, despite her trying to keep me legally bound to her. Now that the divorce has finished, I can finally apply for student aid, and get into community college.

I had been debating with myself whether or not to press charges for battery at this point, since I still have the evidence of her physical abuse, and I'm still within the statute of limitations- but recently I decided to let that go. As much as I want to see her get justice for what she did to me, and for the years she stole, I decided that the truly healthiest decision for me is to try to move on, and focus on the two most important things in my immediate future: College, and my child. 

Yes, at the time of writing, I am very happily exactly 12 weeks pregnant! This is something else I always wanted, but never thought I'd be able to have, until I understood how to accommodate my disability properly, and gained full control over my own life. Now that I know how to accommodate myself, and have all the support necessary, this feels like absolute perfect timing. 

I have a lovely, supportive boyfriend who I'm moving in with soon, a habilitation worker who's actually understanding of my limitations, a supportive and helpful roomate/boss/fwb/yougetitlol, a really great therapist, as well as a great gp,  and trans-friendly ob! And now that my divorce is finished, my disability payments will increase, and best of all, I can apply for student aid and start some online community college courses!

I'm planning on going into law, basically from scratch, over ten years removed from high school. So, I know I'm going to be going to school for about a decade at least, especially since the first few years are definitely going to be at a nice slow pace, so I don't burn myself out with being obligated to multiple classes and full-time infant care at the same time. I'll start as light as I can, and work closely with counselors, as they actually do have decent disability services at the community college I'm looking to apply to. 

My bf is planning on helping with the baby of course, but, honestly, I'm really quite content with the thought of being the primary caregiver. This really is something I've wanted my whole life; babysitting my little cousins on occasion was one of the only good things about my childhood. I love teaching and playing with and taking care of kids, but barely dared to dream of ever having my own, until this last year.

After I learned I was pregnant (actually very early, I could have chemically aborted but the thought didn't even cross my mind, due to the aforementioned proper support and lifelong childrearing dreams), I threw myself into learning all about pregnancy and babies. Luckily for me, this basically became an instant special interest, which has made, and is still making it, very easy to study up!

The way that me being autistic has affected my pregnancy, and vice versa, is quite interesting to me. I've already decided I'm not going to want an epidural, as I'm very curious how I will experience the sensations of labor and birth. (And even besides my muted interoception, I've heard that people with my bedroom proclivities have a much easier time with birth generally, and I wonder if this is true.)

Also, I was expecting my sensory issues to be more of a problem so far, but I've actually been very lucky with pregnancy symptoms, as of 12 weeks. The worst I've experienced so far is some nausea and vomiting and fatigue, but none have even been bad enough to lower my quality of life, really. 

One thing that definitely has contributed to my continued health, is that is that my doctor cleared me to keep using cannabis oil through my pregnancy. I'm sure that's helped with the nausea more than I even know! Initially, my regular doctor had said that I'll probably wanna switch to something else while breastfeeding, because THC oil is generally contraindicated for that, but that it's definitely fine until I wanna start clearing it out of my system just for breastmilk production.

BUT, at my first appointment with my obgyn, whom my doctor said would be the one to decide what to try besides cannabis, I was actually informed there's no need to change anything! Apparently, she thinks the risk of switching medications while pregnant outweighs any risks posed by the THC. I was absolutely elated to hear that- I was certain they were gonna want to make sure it was out of my system before giving birth. But my care team reassured me that a positive result in my baby or milk won't impact how quickly I can take them home at all, and it'll all go on their chart explaining things properly. I'm so relieved- it's like the best case scenario I didn't even wanna get my hopes up for!

And something else I didn't expect- I already love them. Even though they aren't a baby yet, I love this fetus. It's a very strange feeling, it's different from how I've ever felt about either a person or a pet. Sometimes just remembering they're there makes my heart fill with warmth so rapidly that my eyes start welling with happy tears. And other times I catch myself clapping and laughing just from the sheer joy I get when I randomly think about the little nubbly pink thing all cozy in my belly. But most of the time, it's just a nice calm comfort, like I'm never alone. They make every decision easier, every next right step clearer. That's the feeling that's hardest to describe. I guess, it's like having a very comforting imaginary friend, but who I know is actually real? It's amazing. I never feel lonely anymore, ever. I truly feel what I interpret as 'love' towards the little creature inside me. 

They've even helped one of my e.d. quite a bit; it's like I'm able to not worry about calories or carbs lately, because I'm so focused on getting the right nutrients to them. I've been able to quickly push past negative food thoughts, and just think about how good what I'm eating is for the creature. I've been eating a lot of cheerios, which to my keto-fryed orthorexic brain would have been unthinkable, just months ago. But now I've at least been able to somewhat suppress and redirect that compulsion, to give my child the statistically optimum nutrients to have the highest likelihood of being able to become a very happy baby!

I like to think about how they're growing constantly, and about what they might start to experience and when. I've started talking to them. They might not know what 'I love you' means yet, but they're going to have heard it every day, from before they even had a brain to experience it. I'm going to do my very best for them. I've proven myself to be quite capable of finding appropriate accommodations lately, and I know I'm ready to be a good dad.

Oh, and I've already prepared for them to have my same disabilities, since that's quite likely. The first items I bought for them (I'm already starting to stock up on essentials, since I'm on a fixed income and it's more practical than buying all the supplies later on at once) have been newborn sized sun-goggles, newborn sized noise-canceling earmuffs, as well as a baby wipe warmer! They're going to grow up comfortable and secure- and listened to, no matter how they communicate- from the very beginning of their life.

Also: fun info for any other pregnancy nerds: we have a posterior placenta!! 🕺🎉 (Non pregnancy nerds: that's the best kind of placenta, lol.)

I'm really stoked about this timing, too. Like I mentioned, I'm planning on about ten years of school or so, starting with online classes for the first few years. Basically what my version of 'pre-law' will be, is a couple years of Gen Ed to recover anything forgotten from high school over the last decade, then probably some literature and government courses while I'm working on getting my LSAT score up. There's a pretty decent lawschool here in the city I live in that I'll be applying to, once I've got that score up high enough for a scholarship program.

So hopefully, the timing should work out to where I can stay home and devote as much time to the child as they need in their first few years, then once they start going to gradeschool, I should be able to start some in-person lawschool classes right around then. 

As frustrating as waiting for the divorce has been over this last year, I'm glad I got plenty of time to properly rest and make sure I have what I need to be at my best, before starting school. And I got a head start on the family I've always wanted, simultaneously! This timing honestly couldn't be better, I'm so excited about both my short term and long term future. 

So for now, I'm probably going to continue to only check social media very sparingly, to keep stress down, as is best for baby formation and whatnot. They're my number one priority now, and it's a small sacrifice to make for the most important creature in my world. <3

#tw abuse #tw ed #actually autistic #actuallyautistic #disabled pride #disability pride #disability #trans pride #transmasc #transmasc fatherhood #disabled parenting #autistic pride #high support needs autistic #Spotify

[fourhornedsatyr]

Depression isn't something that just goes away.

It is the thought of "Oh, I'll do [Y] when [X] is better", "I'll put [Y] away when [X] isn't so tiring", and "I'll enjoy [Y] again when [X] doesn't take up so much of my time/energy"

Depression, in the most masturbatory fashion, is empowered by itself.

Yet depression is not seperate from us, we who bare this affliction. It is a construct of our own making in how we have rationalized our pain, defeat, and suffering.

Depression is defeated, not by waiting it out like the common cold, but by doing the things that it tells you not to do.

We have crashed our bikes and have tricked ourselves into believing that we will start peddling again if we just wait.

No.

We must get back up again, kick off, peddle, and force our way through those difficult first few pumps on that uphill slope we crashed on.

Go!

Go talk to your friends!

Go do your laundry!

Clean out the dishes!

Apply to that job!

Volunteer!

Join that fun organization!

Go to the climbing gym!

Go hiking!

Sing!

Write!

Live dammit!

So many of these things take but a few mere minutes. A run can be 20 minutes, the dishes can take one to ten minutes, volunteering and networking can take an hour or two a week, attending community events can be one to two hours, a session at the gym can be an hour, and most importantly -- we can decide when many of these events happen. We can plan out days for rest, days for fun, hours for joy, and hours for rejuvination.

Yes, it's going to suck at first, but soon you'll find joy in it again. The things you were good at will come back. The things you enjoyed will surround you again. Life will go on, and we will go with it.

I cleaned out a lot of my junk from my time in college, shit that had been pilling up in my time working field jobs across the country and seasons. It had festered into further depression, but I finally cleaned it out today.

I'm going rock climbing later too, I'm excited to have recently gotten back into it after so long.

I hope you're having a good day too. You deserve it. Start with a walk, a strum on the guitar, or a phone call to a loved one; follow it up with cleaning your dishes, feeding yourself if you haven't yet (drink water dammit!), and doing something that you've left to fester.

You've got this.

#depression #mentally ill #actually borderline #encouragement #hope #pep talk

[pettyrevenge-base]

My guidance counsellor told me I wasn’t “university material”, and years later I pretended not to know her.

I know it doesn’t sound much like revenge, but it was oh so sweet, let me tell you.

Back in high school, I struggled hard. I had a step-dad who adopted me and then ignored me my whole life, and a mom who was wrapped up in making his life perfect. Yeah he was what some might call a textbook narcissist, with my mom as his “flying monkey” (wizard of oz reference).

Anyway, school was a difficult time for me, and I had a lot of anxiety and a hard time focusing. I attended all my classes, and was always doing very well on my assignments, but had trouble completing them.

My guidance counsellor was the same all through high school, and every year would start with a meeting with her, and I would explain I needed more help, because I was struggling to focus. She brushed me off every time, stating that I obviously wasn’t trying hard enough because I had no excuse, since my step-dad (adopted dad) was…wait for it…a social worker for the school board and personal friend of hers. Yeah it was awful.

At the end of high school we had our obligatory meeting about what colleges/universities or trades schools to apply to. I told her I was interested in psychology and would like to be a counsellor or to teach psychology.

This woman scoffed. Literally scoffed at me. She said, and I quote “please do not apply to university. It would be a huge disappointment for you. You are not university material, and you may be better with a community college or even certificate in administration”.

Now let me say THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with going to community college or getting a certificate in something. Nothing at all. But this woman’s words would haunt me my whole life. I wanted to pursue something I was very interested in, and she essentially told me I wasn’t smart enough or capable enough to do it.

Fast forward to my late 20s. I worked at a variety of small jobs here and there and became very depressed. I finally decided one day that f*ck it - I’m applying for university.

Well I got in and I graduated with honors. So I went to teachers college for another bachelor degree. Again, graduated with honors. And about 5 years ago, I finally finished my Masters in behavioral psychology.

Two years ago step-dad died, and who is at the visitation? My old guidance counsellor.

She came right over and started talking to me immediately like she knew me, like we’re old friends. I cut her off and said “I’m so sorry, you must be confusing me with someone else”. She looked absolutely shocked and said “I was your guidance counsellor! For 4 years.” And I just shook my head and gave the best blank look I could give, shrugged and said “sorry, I honestly don’t remember you”. When I left she looked a bit confused and disappointed. I think she had hoped for me to have all of these good memories of her, how helpful she was to me as a teen. But nope. I wanted her to feel that she was nothing to me. Had zero effect (even though she did affect me, I wasn’t letting her know that).

I felt pretty good about that.

Source: reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge

#pettyrevenge #lol #omg

[classicslesbianopinions]

how do you even go to grad school, i have two years of undergrad left and i'm already so scared. i have this fear that they will see that i passed all my exams not because i know stuff but because my writing is good enough and they will all laugh at my poor little collection of credits i got from my poor little college lmaoo

well my college closed and a global pandemic hit partway through my degree and my final transcript is from a college that straight-up does not offer latin or greek and i've been recommended for admission at a phd program so. anything's possible really.

anyway first of all if your writing is good enough to pass your exams, 1. that's a sign that you do know stuff, because it's really hard to write well without knowledge to back it up and also 2. writing is a huge part of academia and good writing is something programs will be looking for. like good writing is a selling point in its own right, completely separate from your knowledge.

secondly like... i had a lot of the same worries when i was applying, i graduated in december 2020 and it took until december 2022 for me to actually get any applications in. because i went to a tiny liberal arts college that closed, and because i spent my last semester working almost entirely independently at a school that did not offer anything in my field, i was worried my degree and coursework wouldn't be enough, and that i didn't know enough to get through. i applied to one masters and two phd programs and have been rejected from one phd program and recommended to the dean for admission (but not officially offered admission yet, i'm still waiting to hear) at the other (the masters had a later deadline and i haven't heard officially but i did have an interview). i thought basically if i didn't get into the phd program i could do the masters for a stronger foundation, which is still my plan, but i was also told by my current greek instructor that my language background looked strong enough without it (i have four years of high school and two years of university-level latin, and four-ish years of greek) and i would be a competitive candidate. i still don't necessarily feel like a competitive candidate, but honestly this field just breeds so much impostor syndrome that at a certain point you've just got to assume you're underestimating yourself.

but like... no one has laughed at the poor collection of credits i got from my now-defunct college, both programs i interviewed with took me seriously as a candidate and an academic, and also like... if it doesn't work out for me this year for whatever reason, i'll probably just work on my application and apply again next year 🤷‍♂️ there's no shame in applying multiple times, it can be a bit random where and when you actually get accepted.

also to answer the practical question of "how does this work": you pick out programs you would like to apply to-- i just went through this list of graduate programs in north america from the society for classical studies, although if you don't want programs in north america you will have to look elsewhere (and probably ask someone else. i live in the us and applied solely to schools in the us, and i know it works differently elsewhere). decide if you're applying to masters or phd programs or both. a phd program will include a masters as part of the program. masters programs are shorter and might prepare you to get into a phd program or to do other work in the field, and phd programs of course take a long time and qualify you to be a college professor and also let you put "doctor" in front of your name, which kind of rules. i picked programs by size and location (i do best in small communities), and i also was told to make sure that when applying to phds i could see faculty in the program that i could see myself working with, and to mention a faculty member's work in my statement of purpose for the school. so i actually might've applied to more phd programs if i had found more faculty whose work interested me, but honestly i pretty much knew where i wanted to go from the start and it's very likely that that's where i'll be next year.

check to see if the programs you want require the gre, mine were gre optional but i sent the scores anyway because i'm really good at standardized tests. but also taking the gre was a very dehumanizing experience, so like if it's not required and you don't test well, just skip it. and make sure to ask faculty for letters of recommendation a few months in advance. (they might also want to look at drafts of your application material, so i would recommend having that pretty far in advance.) every program i applied to asked for a statement of purpose to say "this is what i want to do and why i want to go to your school" and a recent writing sample (which was hard for me to find because of the haphazard nature of my last two semesters). i also attached my cv because i've done a lot of stuff outside of school in the last two years, and i held a lot of leadership positions when i was in college. also purdue owl has a page about applying to graduate programs, which was really helpful to me and might be to you!

if you're still in undergrad, also, you probably have faculty you can ask for advice etc-- part of my problem was that i was a year out of college when i tried to apply the first time, and the second time it was two years after i graduated. and i didn't have any way to contact any of my past classics professors. so if you have an advisor or just any professors you like and get along with, you should talk to them about this as you start researching programs and planning out your applications! you'll need their recommendation letters anyway, but also a lot of the time people are really glad to help. anytime i've asked for help i've been met with support. (and remember that it's pretty normal for professors to be asked to help with this sort of thing! it's something you're doing for the first time but they've almost definitely helped tons of people with it, in addition to doing it themselves.)

anyway i don't know how much help this is, but just know that you are almost definitely way more qualified and competent than you think you are, and grad school applications are super intimidating but incredibly possible.

#mod felix #wow. imagine answering an ask without a whole wall of text. couldn't be me. #resources

[sclvged]

@bloodsalted plotted for something sad why do we do this (i love it though)

AN AMALGMATION OF MY WORST SELF. DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?

The buzzing of tenacious electricity emanated from their fridge. Bathed in the dim yellow lighting of midnight excess, her eyes roamed over him. In truth, there was both serenity and anxiety about being back. Opposites attract, as they say. A whole new world had been opened up to her. The boxes that lined 'her room' felt foreign. Contained in the cardboard were clothes that once accented large hips and a mantra that screamed out in deceptive falsetto. Though it had been a month or so, nothing had been unpacked. Bare walls were barely seen, and if one were to enter the Smith abode, one would potentially conclude that nothing touched the bed at all.

Most of her nights were spent in the library. She'd shamble out of her room once it was suspected that the others finally went to rest, and tired eyes would attempt to focus on random books. Something, anything, to feel like her old self again. Time had aged her, however, and death brought on an unavoidable perspective.

And there he was. Alone. It seemed they had that in common. The years apart created a sort of wedge; a once-three-year age gap had grown, and Allie found herself unsure of how to communicate her own feelings in regards to it. Not only had Dean lost her father, he watched her die. Once best friends, now left in the veil of prior memories.

Blonde curls were forced up into a messy heap at the back of her skull, claw clip hastily applied. The white nightgown that stopped at her midthigh gave too much lace for a woman who held no understanding of innocence at all. The mirror bore an idea, a representation with no baseline honesty; perhaps that was why she was quiet as a church mouse while entering. Her head rested on the doorframe to the kitchen in watch of his private languid sips.

"Do you think I should say good evening, or good morning?" an effort towards levity.

It fell short.

Best to cut straight to the chase. No prior planning had gone into the conversation, but considering the sudden shift in his consumption (to her), the bubbling need to talk about it came forth. "Why are you drinking alone, Cowboy? It's late." Ocean eyes flickered up at the dim lightbulb between them before falling back onto him.

"Figured you'd be out hustling some stupid college kids. Friday night, no hunt in sight." And yet they were both there, drowning in their own sins.

#v : ˡⁱᵛⁱⁿᵍ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵍⁱʳˡ #bloodsalted #ehhehe #tw: alcoholism

[chaos-and-cookies]

i finally saw the barbie movie yesterday with my bf and best friend

while cute and fun and i liked the plot a lot, i think it falls victim to something I've seen a few modern movies fall victim to, and that's very unnatural dialogue randomly thrown in in order to say/teach a message but it just always feels so unnatural when delivered (by no fault of the actors) and comes across as someone quoting a twitter post or lecturer's powerpoint. And with that said, i see why so many ppl were calling Barbie the feminism 101 movie. Because half of the dialogue feels like it was ripped straight from a feminist activist's twitter page rather than natural dialogue you could imagine coming from 2 actual people talking irl. Like i understand it's a movie so not every movie is going to have "natural" speech patterns, sure, BUT i also shouldn't feel like the characters are speaking like my old sociology professors giving a lecture from my women's studies courses lol.

I first saw this weird dialogue stuff happen in The Blackening, a black horror comedy movie, and didn't think too much about it considering it was an indie movie and all and it was only a few times, but when huge budget movies like BARBIE is having these weird twittery "chronically online" type of speech patterns thru the entire movie I think it's time to point it out and question it a lil bit. Because you know once a billion dollar movie like barbie did it it's definitely going to become a trend. I just? I feel like there's better ways to put a message into a movie without feeling like I'm in my college lecture halls again with how academic they talk. And this is ALSO why so many conservatives try to trash on things like this simply because it's low hanging fruit to pick apart because they're using terms they know they dont like and won't bother to actually learn the message being said because they used words like feminism and patriarchy thru the entire thing. So the ppl that need to hear/learn the feminism 101 messages will blalantly refuse to learn it simply because of the language used and the way they spoke you know?

Idk. Sorry for the rant. Barbie truly was a good movie but the dialogue just truly did bother me with how unnatrual and weird it was to me. And? Idk like ik they're dolls and a lot of the movie is supposed to give the "kids playing with dolls" feel, but once they're in the real world that doesn't rly apply i think? And also a lot of things felt like they were playing in jepoardy in a way? Like once barbie said "i feel afraid without any direct thing to be afraid about" and a random mom walked by and she said "that's anxiety!". Like what 😭 that feels like a jeopardy question not a human interaction! I understand she was only in the real world for a few hours at that point but still?? This was almost a repeating pattern of speech as well and i just??? Maybe its because i used to write a lot in my early 20s and teens and it was very dialogue based fanfics so maybe thats why its bothering me *especially* cuz it was a hobby of mine for so long but i just... i just rly hope this kinda speech pattern of dialogue doesn't catch on. I don't need movies to all feel like every human interaction came off twitter instead of genuine humans communicate irl 🥲

#rant #barbie movie #barbie movie spoilers? #i guess? #spoilers #just in case

[nxmeolvides]

for my own personal enjoyment before i sleep: • Ana does feel left behind by Maria sometimes, but does her absolute best not to let it get in the way of anything. She loves her sister more than anything, and after wallowing in it briefly, she makes efforts to get to know Maria's friends. It helps to actually meet them for the first time, and realise they are genuinely good people and she was being unfair to people she hadn't even met. See: judgemental streak. My personal canon is that Julie has been Maria's roommate or friend since first or second year, and Ana has met her enough to be on good terms with her. Potentially she sees her in a "fun, cool older sister's friend" way. • She doesn't have plans for college, but that's because she feels responsible for looking after Mrs. Flores. This especially applies to the verses where she's sick: Ana doesn't want to go anywhere in case something happens. Even when she's not sick, though, Ana still deals with feelings of guilt over potentially leaving their mother completely home alone. So, no college plans. I like to think had things not gone sideways, Maria and their mother would have encouraged her to at least try, because she deserves that experience and the opportunities that come with it as well.

• There is no highschool boyfriend, or cheerleading. Ana is focused on her family, the jobs she's managed to pick up after school, and her schoolwork where she can fit it in. She closes herself off because of this, and has been struggling to properly maintain friendships due to it as well. She's not even interested in dating someone, if she doesn't know them enough to feel truly comfortable - and in that final year of high school, she is balancing far too much to even try. • She also misses their dad! At least in the verses where he didn't walk out. He'd smoke a lot at home and when working on his car, and while my personal version of Maria hates the smell, Ana feels comforted by it. • Ana is going out and getting jobs the second she can to help with their family's situation. She refuses to let Maria and their mother bear the brunt of that. She starts out babysitting, and graduates to running the register at corner shops and potentially waitressing. When Maria moves out to go to uni, naturally, the amount that Ana works increases. There is simply no way she's comfortable letting the majority of that work rest on the other two. • She does contribute towards getting Maria a camera, because physical shows of affection are extremely important to her. (Such as the embroidered shirt from their Grandmother.) I like to think that Ana's fancier jewellery is birthday/christmas gifts from the family, in turn. • She does communicate with Maria as much as possible. Ana tries to call her at least once a week from their home phone, just so they can both chat, and keep up with each other's lives. Even if Ana hides how rough things might feel to her sometimes, those calls with her sister mean more than anything to her.

#personal dynamics with the friend group are up in the air because it depends on the writer! only included julie because its a headcanon #im partial to. in my world i live in with my maria/julie agenda #but yeah #crossing out everything ronnie said with a red pen.