#but im used to a higher pain level than abled people are
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Office disability culture is so fucked in environmental science and fieldwork. Like the mindset that to do the job you have to be in perfect physical health or you should just quit. Like I'm not talking about something that is 100% physical labor here, everything is mostly achievable with aids and you don't need to be able to do every single thing. But there's this weird like..pride..that my older coworkers have. They work out in the gym and brag about how many reps they did. They tease each other for having medical issues. They don't ask for accommodations because they fear that their legitimacy will be hurt. That it means that they can't do their job anymore. That they won't be TRUSTED to do their jobs anymore. That it will get taken away.
So they FURTHER hurt their bodies by not resting, not taking breaks, not using ergonomic equipment, not using safety equipment. Not drinking enough water. Not using mobility aids when they are so old that it's supposed to be acceptable. They don't use the scooters at the grocery store, they don't use their handicapped placard, they don't use knee pads or compression gloves.
And here I come in, 24 years old, looking perfectly healthy. And I use walking sticks, I sit down a lot, I have my care bag, I have a ton of gadgets for making fieldwork more comfortable, I have boundaries and limits, I wear braces and knee pads and compression gloves. I use my handicapped placard.
They react in one of two ways:
1. How DARE I. I'm so lucky to be young and no one sees THEM having to do all those things (literally nothing is stopping them but pride). Like old man if you need a break take a fucking break. I'm not going to hurt my health to make you feel better about hurting yours. I'm not risking a flare up to spare the 65 year olds feelings. Im gonna take my break and use my equipment cause my boss doesn't care as long as the work gets done. I'm tired of glares from 100 year olds making themselves struggle across the parking lot when they could also be using the fucking scooter. (I never take the last scooter, there's always another available. Also it's not my fault if walmart only provides 2 scooters for the whole store).
2. It shows them its okay. Its okay to need aids. When I first showed up at my job it was very...macho..everyone was afraid of seeming old (theres probably only 3 of us under 30 in the whole department, most people are at least 50, mainly 65 year olds). Then they saw me using my walking sticks, taking my medicine openly, bringing a chair with me when working away from my desk, using my TENS unit. I overheard one lady ask her granddaughter what fibromyalgia was (apparently she had spotted my pain tracking journal).
My older coworker with a bad knee got a walking stick like mine and beamed when she showed me. The grandmother uses a cane and a walker interchangeably and more often. I get asked where I get my little portable fan and pocket heaters and special clothing. Even abled coworkers are doing it. My coworker who's younger than me sets alarms to take breaks now just like I do. People seem more comfortable using things that help them now.
My boss has really struggled. He has a lot of internalized ableism and hates thinking of himself as crippled. He spent his whole life physically active and strong and all these health issues and overexertion are catching up with him. Like he did environmental testing in areas with fucking radon. He did work where they threw asbestos around like snow for fun. He's done a ton of really hard physical work. He grew up with the mentality that pain was just something everyone has to push through. But I think seeing a young person make the choice not to push through is helping him a bit. He wants to make his own walking stick, he goes to the doctor more. We bond over having constant medical issues and I even gave him the name of my surgeon. Yea he still says stuff like "shoot me if I have to use a wheelchair" (not as much anymore since he now knows I use one) but he's getting there.
Yeah so I've had this in my drafts for a bit and I wanted to update that my boss has been walking around with a fucking broken ankle for the past couple of weeks. He thought it was just arthritis pain and eventually couldn't take it anymore and went to the foot doctor. The doctor has no clue how the fuck he's been walking on it. Now he has to wear the boot and he's banned from fieldwork while he heals.
Older people and the elderly need to learn that it's okay to not push through the pain and ask for help. Everyone needs to learn this, and not be like my fucking boss. Go to the doctor, get that sore joint checked out. Get those tests done. Use that aid. Stop walking on a broken ankle just because you can.
#chronic disability#chronic pain#spoonie#disability#from the field#wrenfea.exe#literally fucking flabbergasted#he walked in after leaving for a bit to go to his appointment and came back like so yeah my ankles been broken#BUDDY#everyone needs help sometimes you dont deserve to be in pain#like thats some catholic guilt shit im pretty sure#this man has had 4 major back surgeries so i guess a broken ankle is nothing compared to that#but still...jesus fucking christ#not sprained..BROKEN#and thats along with all the rest of the pain hes in#like i get being used to pain but if i stub my toe during a flare up I can't handle it because it pushes my pain level over the edge#so it actually makes me less tolerable since im already in pain#but im used to a higher pain level than abled people are#ok im done rambling for now im gonna go play Minecraft
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LMAO YOUR OPINION SO TRUE, I've seen people write whumpees getting tortured and assaulted and mutilated and starved and beaten every day for literal years and they still have them acting like it didn't traumatize them 😂 "no they're just really strong sorry I don't like PATHETIC WEAK whumpees who *checks notes* act like an actual human would upon being tortured and get trauma, what's trauma lol? Not real. Now move along, it's time for him make jokes about his 3rd anniversary of pethood"
to be very very clear i am absolutely not saying ppl writing defiant or "unrealistic" whumpees r bad writers or their stories r bad or anything, its just not my personal taste. like, ive seen ppl be like "ugh pathetic broken whumpees are so boring" and that already triggers my rsd so i wanna be clear that i am NOT trying to put anyone down at all, please write what brings u the most joy, because there will be plenty plenty others who love that same thing.
this got long bc im rambling im sorry
but yes what u describe is absolutely my pet peeve, for the sole reason that my own personality is soooooo far away from that that i cant project lol actually, i wonder if it rly is unrealistic, or if there are ppl who have such a strong detachment from their situation that theyd continue to act that way. or even just... you know how people can get used to everything. and how with chronic pain for example, the pain gets "boring" and you wont see those ppl just rolling around the floor in agony 24/7 bc thats not very fun. they just learn to function w pain levels potentially much higher than average. i wonder if a whumpee whos been in captivity for 3 yrs could have a similar situation where theyre just tired of being scared and they have no joys other than making whumper's eye twich. (and only break down after the stressors and repeated trauma are gone)
i think my whumpees swing the other way on the unrealism spectrum (or maybe not idk ive never been thru that and fingers crossed i never will) and im sure thats also annoying for some people. but if u know me, u know i am obsessed w rules and order. breaking rules of any kind gives me immense anxiety. i also hate unfair treatment to death! so if i see a whumpee break rules and succeed and thats how they gain advantages, it pisses me off! bc they just broke the rules why r they getting better treatment!! even if they get worse treatment im just huffing and puffing bc well u couldve avoided that!! i wouldve!!
another reason is that if whumpee is successfully defiant and pissing whumper off or smth, getting under their skin, whatever, it takes me out of the whumper fantasy... if u saw me describe my ideal whumper u saw how i literally wrote mary sue. that includes being able to control and break their whumpee. if whumpee isnt following the rules it makes me question the whumper, and i dont like questioning the whumper, i want the whumper to be in absolute and utter control of everything.
BUT AGAIN THATS ALL PERSONAL OPINION. thats what i like, thats what i write, thats what i seek out from others. i hope others have a very fun time writing as defiant whumpees as their heart desires.
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11 Things I have Learned Being A FanFic Writer
1. Being specific on whether the story itself is going to a short fic or a long fic. difference short fics tend to be ten chapters or less maybe even up to twenty-two (from the last one i read) The long fics can be anywhere from 30 chapters and beyond that to the point where you are like when is this going to end!
2. Having a beta reader is a lovely idea, they can look for the mistakes that you make and help you with grammar issues that you don't catch when reading it yourself. even then though it is bound to happen you will make mistakes!
3. At any point in time the chapter that you are writing can and will be entirely rewritten. some part of you will think "yeah, this is complete crap" and you will toss that idea out like it was trash.
4. To go along with number 3 DO NOT throw away whatever it is that you are writing even if you think at the time this is crap! you can use it to create and/or use what you wrote for future stories. where one thing doesn't fit it in one story it can fit in another one that will help it flow more easily. (learned this one the hard way )
5. SAVE SAVE SAVE! Just like in video games if you don't save your progress, and something happens to that laptop. oh man, you will be in for a world of cussing, ranting, crying and possibly to the point of rage if all that work disappears. (Also learned this one the hard way ) so if you have to get a bunch of usb sticks and spastic save like your about to go up against the biggest boss with a higher power level than you and you just know that you are going to die multiple times because of said boss!
6. inspiration can hit you at any point in time as well as real life experiences.Truth, I read a fanfic called the Epilepsy Diaries written by someone within the fandom and as sad and as dark as that story was It inspired me to write a fanfic where i gave the characters my disability of cerebal palsy and the people who read that (unfinished since im still writing it) have told me they learned so much about the disability and love this story so much that they beg me to update it all the time. one of those people had no idea there are 3 different types of cerebral palsy and not just the more severe one where the person is in a wheelchair.
7. Against what everyone says about the "character soul bonding" where you take on the thoughts of your character... um, I can personally say that it can happen from time to time. whether you believe that or not, whatever floats your boat bro, you do you. And depending on whatever comes out of their mouth be it conversation and/or argument at some point you will lose your control over your story and the characters will go haywire and throw that in whatever direction they want it to go. so, if they wanna i don't know kiss someone in the story, or if they wanna become a cartel boss and take over the world regardless of whether or not you want them to they are going to do it!
8. writers block is a pain in the ass and always will bethere will be times when you are going a long in a story and you write that one really good chapter and then BAM you run right into that wall and you are sitting there overthinking things, not able to come up with something to write that not even the beautiful power of music can get you out of! it's frustrating, its aggravating and yes this has happened to me multiple times and still happens.
9. Sometimes teasing the readers with a ship can cause chaos and frustration, while at the same time can be equally fun. WRITERS OF LAW AND ORDER SVU I'M TALKING TO YOU! BENSON AND STABLER BRO COME ON NOW, WE WAITED 23 SEASONS NOW GOING SEASON 24 THIS WILL THEY WON'T THEY TROPE GOING ON IS KILLING ME MAN! CHOP CHOP!
10. Your ship is not my ship and that SHOULD BE OKAY but some people haven't learned this lesson yet. what do I mean, well there are some characters, that just go naturally together as a ship. Benson and stabler, batman and catwoman, (Every superhero known to man being paired with spiderman or deadpool, superman) you get my point! Anways sometimes there will be those people who don't want to see your pairing as a ship and will often times do one of their own that you don't necessarily like or you think is off the wall. And you keep your mouth shut while they will go out of their way to literally verbally fight you over your ship. so, there will be times when the peace will be broken and you will have to throw on that captain hat and go all captain jack sparrow on them, and verbally throw down and say to the equivalent of "STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!" to said people. then you can pretty much choose to go about your merry way sail away off into the sunset with a mega pint of rum in your hand and keep writing what your readers want to read. (That one was for you Johnny Depp who in my opinion will aways be the best pirate there ever was and will forever be Captain Jack Sparrow)
11. When you write, write for yourself and write about whatever makes you happy. your value and yourself worth does not measure how many comments you get, how many people read what you write or how many messages you get from people who have an opinion about your story good bad or otherwise. Or how popular you are you don't have to be the next stephen king to touch people with the stories you write.
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to that prior anon: what makes something a disability is how it impacts the life of the person who has it. for example, you use arthritis as an example of smth being "just a medical condition" but without medication that would cost more than $12k/month if I didn't have insurance, I am in constant pain and literally cannot walk or use my hands. my arthritis is disabling, while for others it's just constant low level pain and they may not consider it a disability.
please remember it's up to the person with the medical condition to determine if it disables them, and it varies person to person even with the same condition.
In their defense i think they were just asking a question because it is definitely like, a weird gray area? It honestly brings up a good discussion about, when do you you start calling something a disability, and how, I think, the broken health care system really, uh, falsely categorizes a lot of people based on what insurance is up to. Also different countries apparently have different guidelines, like for example my Canadian friend gets disability benefits literally just for being autistic despite being very "high functioning", putting that in quotes just because I know that can be kind of a controversial term.
But also, I'm so sorry you deal with that, I dont quite have arthritis but I can totally empathize wirh chronic physical pain 🥺 its actually horrifying reading the prices of some of these treatments sometimes and im really glad you have your medicine taken csre of. I often think about what would've happened to me if I hadn't been on state insurance when I was diagnosed with my equinus, I think it was literally like at least 5k per leg (i actually barely remember tbh, it couldve been higher or lower), which, I guess ultimately isn't a lot, but on my income and my moms income would have been so significant I would've felt actual guilt seeking treatment. Like, there was a legitimate possibility that the mere price could have kept me from... walking normally? And like my mom is 58 and she's been told she qualifies for knee replacements but she's literally scared of even getting them because of how long the recovery period can be and the financial loss and also just the price? So my mom could end up in legitimately worse health, although I guess that also has to do with like, America not having good workers rights where she could've taken off laid leave for surgery or something
It's that whole expression about "disability is defined by the environment" or something like that. Sort of like that whole controversy with Mr Beast where he paid for a bunch of people to get their sight or hearing back. Those people had treatable conditions and were stuck living in a way that negatively impacted their lives simply because they couldn't afford it? Like I can't even imagine not being able to use one of my five senses just because I couldn't afford it, but I know that's um already a reality for like, people who can't afford hearing aids and stuff like that
I think I'm starting to ramble here but like, I wish people had more sympathy for the disabled (and im talking about like society, not the last ask just to be clear, I feel like they were legitimately just curious). Like sometimes when you see people like violently hating the homeless, sometimes those people are literally people who got into horrible accidents or had some sort of injury and they wound up addicted to painkillers and had to turn to drugs when they can't afford prescription pain meds or those prescriptions get them addicted. I had a manager who was in a car accident and the painkillers made her eventually switch to straight up heroin. Even our disabled vets don't get good healthcare half the time
But yeah, as for me, I guess consider myself kind of straddling the line between disabled and able bodied, leaning more towards able bodied, but I can still have issues, like my knees are still kinda jacked up and even though i can stand and walk great now, stairs can be really tough sometimes, especially when I'm coming home from work and my body aches. and I still get pains in my back sometimes when I'm bending and leaning to the point I use a menthol roll-on gel for pain relief. Part of me kind of likes that I, I dunno, overcame the challenge and all that, but like, I think I would've preferred a body that didn't hurt lol 😅
#im kinda rambling lol im so like half awake rn#but yeah i hops you keep youe chin up despife the inconveniences of life
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just had a thought that i dont know how to feel about. i don't think my worry about being "caught" as a narcissist is very founded. not necessarily because certain traits of mine arent noticeable, but because people who worry about "catching" narcissists tend to have a very specific view of what a narcissist even is. in their minds, a narcissist is specifically an abuser, typically one whos generally a pain to be around, or at least has patterns of shitty behavior that are easy to sniff out. because to these people, a narcissist is an entirely different category of person, more like a demon than a human being. and, i know that thats not how people tend to see me, at least not these days. im very lucky to have configured myself into the sort of person who gets a lot of praise and appreciation from other people. i know that im seen as a "good person" by the people around me. i still feel on some level like im manipulating them to think that, even though i do really try to be a good person. but my own perception of myself doesnt change that others, on the whole, perceive me as Good.
the thing is i dont even really feel relieved by this. because it doesnt help other narcissists who struggle more with being kind to others. and it only helps me as long as i dont let my mask slip, as long as i dont make any mistakes that would spark the connection between that mistake and my overconfidence and result in people calling me a narcissist as an abuse allegation. it only feeds into my own idea that im tricking people into thinking im a good person. it makes me feel like im hiding in plain sight, the way they think we all are, but it also feeds into my superiority complex because these people really ARE so clueless that as long as i dont screw up, theyll keep thinking im like them. they all think theyre geniuses who have us narcissists all figured out, but they dont understand shit. im ABLE to trick them into thinking i have normal empathy and dont view myself as above them, and that only makes me feel higher up. my overconfidence can be written off as an endearing personality trait, because im a "good person". my perfectionism is just a drive for success, because im a "good person". my need for control is just natural leadership skills, because im a "good person". my concern over my appearance is just me being a victim of beauty standards, or just me caring about looking presentable as is expected, because im a "good person". because i show others kindness, regardless of the complexity of my motives, regardless of how calculated my kindness sometimes is, regardless of how my kindness is fueled not by empathy but by objective morals and my religious beliefs and a need to be better than the unkind people around me - they dont make the connection between my narcissism and their false concept of narcissism. im just some guy to them. a nice, pleasant, charismatic guy. i should be relieved but it makes me feel fucking sick and misanthropic and superior in the worst way. i really just feel like some kind of awful puppet master pulling everyones strings because they cant put two and two together to recognize what i am. everyone is so fucking easy to trick because they spread all this false information, meanwhile my kindness is always going to serve partly as a cover for my flaws. it cant ever be purely good, itll always be self serving to a degree. its completely fucked. im probably just having my perception skewed by a high but fuck, i dont know.
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(IC anon from before) I would like to hear some things! I mean I know what the doctors tell me about vitamins to take and diet changes
IC is super treatable! most people find some relief with treatment.
if you can afford it, it might be worth having your pelvic floor assessed by a suitably qualified physiotherapist - pelvic floor dysfunction (an overly tight pelvic floor) can mimic IC. and even if there's some level of pain/frequency/urgency there at baseline, an overly tight pelvic floor is going to exacerbate that, and a huge amount of people with pelvic pain will have a tight pelvic floor from 'clenching' during the pain/urgency, so it's worth doing it anyways.
also re the pelvic floor - get a squatty potty, or a big pile of books, or anything at all that allows you to pee in a 'squatting' position.
here's some yt videos I use for pelvic floor relaxation stuff:
some exercises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yx0_PK0Q-4
a pelvic floor focused meditation:
if you're dealing with straight pain, too, (like pelvic pain), headspace has some good pain meditations too. but ime they haven't been great for coping with urgency & frequency.
besides that, there's a treatment ladder you can 'go up' w/ your dr, with each 'step' being more invasive. there are a bunch of different medications you can try. if medications haven't brought adequate relief (and for so many people they do! medications have massively improved my quality of life & I don't feel the need for more invasive treatments), you can try things like bladder instillations, botox, neuromodulation, hydrodistention, and medications with higher side effect profiles. some people also find their flare ups are hormonal, for some people birth control is helpful (for other people it isn't). if you want any more info on the treatment ladder, or medication options, I can dig something up?
medications you can try without your dr (they're over the counter) are antihistamines, like loratadine or cetirizine. if you're in the UK buscopan is over the counter too. there's azo in the US, which is meant to be like a urinary pain killer. you could also try baking soda or something like prelief.
some people find a TENS unit helpful - they're about £30 on amazon.
there are also a lot of supplements some people swear by, would you be interested in hearing about them? (all the supplements are kind of hearsay rather than evidence based, but I still take them and have personally found some useful.)
idk where you're based but there may be advocacy & support organisations you can tap into. either way, there's some helpful info from the IC network - https://www.ic-network.com. and if you're in the UK, bladder health UK is good too - https://bladderhealthuk.org
it's kind of a crap shoot that will involve a shit tonne of trial and error. what helps some people actively flares other people, so it's just a tonne of trial and error. but there are a LOT of options to try, and i've read so many stories of an option helping someone - even people who've been suffering for years and then they try an invasive treatment and it helps them. flares might always happen but there is most probably a way of reducing their power & living alongside them. be as patient with yourself as possible, this shit sucks
also idk if this is useful but when it comes to finding out your triggers and stuff (e.g. if you're food sensitive and find that, idk, caffeine triggers you), be super patient with yourself and go easy. I'm really reactive to alcohol but sometimes I crack and drink with my friends - I don't 'deserve' the resulting flare. if you're flaring, there's nothing you've done to 'deserve' it (even if you did the thing that caused it) bc nobody deserves that kind of shit. very very best of luck
edit: also, bladder training helped me with frequency issues! I can find resources if you like, and if you get a physio they should be able to walk through it w/ you - it's gradually increasing the time between bathroom visits until you can hold it for longer more comfortably which reduces urgency over time. if a good physio isn't accessible to you & you're interested in bladder training, I can dig up some resources
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what is utahime’s role in the future? — a prediction (manga spoilers)
part 2 (unedited)
part 1 is here!
let’s continue answering the question: is utahime weak?
chapter 135
what preparations is utahime making? like i’ve mentioned before, i theorize that she needs to charge up in order to use her technique. since momo and the other kyoto students are fighting on the front line to buy time for utahime, i believe that they trust that their teacher’s ability can help turn the situation around.
what do the students think of her? do they think she’s weak?
chapter 128
mechamaru manipulates the circumstances in a way that allow him to keep the kyoto people away from danger. this has more to do with how much he cares about his classmates and his teacher rather than seeing them as incompetent sorcerers who can’t hold their own. notice how he says “EVEN utahime”.
chapter 128
kamo thinks mechamaru doesn’t have that much faith in the Kyoto students—but this isn’t true at all! he knows who the enemy is and has a grasp of how dangerous they are. he just wants to keep his friends safe. besides, kamo is a semi-grade 1 sorcerer which means he’s more than capable of defending himself against curses. but since he’s being kept safe too, it suggests that this is not a matter of keeping weak people away from fighting :)
chapter 41
this seems a bit off topic but let’s talk about the misogyny in jujutsu society. momo points out to nobara that the women from the zenin clan are expected to be perfect. the misogyny runs so deep to the point where some women aren’t allowed to even fight. you may think that this is just about the zenin clan but it’s about society as a whole. that’s why nobara responds to momo in a more personal sense. she doesn’t care about the boys versus girls issue because she embraces all aspects of herself. she loves herself when she’s strong, and she loves herself when she’s dressed up and beautiful. if it only applied to the zenin family then nobara wouldn’t have responded the way she did.
in the chapter before, nishimiya explains, “even if a girl has skills, if she’s not cute, she’s looked down upon. of course, if she’s only cute with no skill, it’s the same. women sorcerers aren’t expected to be skilled, they’re expected to be perfect.”
some of the female characters in jujutsu kaisen apply to this. for example, maki and mai. they’re looked down upon because one can’t use a cursed technique or see curses, while the other’s cursed technique is weak. in chapter 148(?) naoya says the only thing maki had going for her was her face, but it’s ruined now so she’s nothing. the zenin twins fall under the “cute but not skilled” category in jujutsu society. before we can put utahime into a category, let’s examine mei.
i promise this will all connect so please bear with me LOLLL let’s move on to mei. we find out that mei has the ability to control crows. she deems this ability as weak because it’s simple and doesn’t have much attack or defense power.
she convinces herself that a sorcerer’s worth doesn’t revolve around their CT. by following this ideal, she soon found herself at her limit because you can only hone your physical abilities to an extent. she said she was crushed because she thought that her weak CT would forever stunt her ability to grow as a sorcerer. but because of all the training she did in order to not rely on her CT, she was able to combine her physical prowess with her technique to make what’s best of her ability to control crows.
mei is an example of a perfect woman based on the standards the jujutsu world has established for women. although she has a weak technique, she makes up for it with adept use of weapons and physical prowess. she found a way to incorporate this “weak” ability to make it something strong. she’s beautiful and powerful so therefore, she was promoted to be a grade 1 sorcerer. she is what a woman is expected to be in order to be acknowledged by others.
what about utahime? why couldn’t she follow the same footsteps as mei?
i can’t answer that because we don’t really know much about utahime so far. i can only speculate why. being a grade 2 sorcerer at 20 is not bad at all. but why is she stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer at 31? that surely proves she’s just weak, right?
semi-grade 1 sorcerers are sorcerers who have performed well on missions with a person accompanying them. i feel like when utahime was on a mission to exorcise a grade 1 curse on her own (the final step of the grade 1 promotion process), something happened that gave her her scar and made her unable to fulfill the mission. it’s either that or she did complete the mission but her appearance is too unsatisfactory. can you recall what nishimiya said? if you’re cute and not skilled, you’re not good enough. if you’re not cute and skilled, you’re still not good enough.
in men, scars are a symbol of honor and strength. on the other hand, scars on a woman’s face are seen as an imperfection. as a result, those who are scarred are deemed imperfect and unsuitable for marriage.
gojo hates the way things are run because the higher ups are so close-minded. they make decisions on a whim and have no compassion for sorcerers who are breaking their backs on their orders. he wants to change jujutsu society for the better by raising the next generation of sorcerers to be as strong as him. the old-fashioned and narrow-minded attitude of the higher ups leads me to believe that utahime is stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer because she is viewed as imperfect. utahime’s scar is most likely the reason contributing to her being held back. who would want to promote a woman who isn’t beautiful enough to be a grade 1 sorcerer?
she obviously has a lot to offer because she’s a teacher at Kyoto. todo, a grade 1 sorcerer, has never shown any sign of disrespect towards utahime despite the fact that he surpassed her in rankings. he trusts in her and believes she has some things she can teach him.
can we additionally address the fact that gojo respects mei? he refers to her as mei-san and says that there’s no way she’d cry because she’s strong. mei has a weak technique though? 🤔🤔🤔 controlling crows?!?!?! nah im jk, mei is strong with and without her technique, of course. since gojo respects someone like mei, a person who doesn’t have an out-of-this-world technique, i believe his view of someone strong isn’t solely based on their technique. when he calls utahime weak, he may not be insulting her CT. it’s just all jokes because in chapter 65, geto and mei join in on the fun too and pick on her. mr. hot shot knows that utahime is a valuable asset to his plans so he entrusts her with the task of unearthing the traitor(s). if she was so incapable of such a thing, why did he pay mei to do the same job? 🤔
*a lot of people think mei was actually paid by gojo to promote his students but that’s incorrect. it goes against everything gojo advocates for. he wants his kids to enjoy their youth because his was taken away. being a sorcerer is not a smooth job and no matter how many years you’re in the profession, it never gets easier. he doesn’t wish for his students to be thrust in a world full of hardship and loss, which is why he was so against yuuji and yuta’s execution. he works hard to preserve the innocence of his students. he doesn’t want yuji’s heart to break, not even once. why would he pay mei to promote his students to grade 1? that would automatically strip them of their innocence and youth and push them into a world full of burden and pain.
PHEW that was long. how does this all tie back to utahime’s future role in the story?
her CT will probably come in clutch in an important battle
she might be the one to help get gojo out the box (A REACH i know)
she will help gojo with his plan to overthrow and change jujutsu society as a whole
i don’t really have to dive into the first bullet point. as for the second one, look at what i found!
in the second opening, utahime is seen searching for something in a dim forest.
*i read an analysis about opening 2 and apparently this just symbolizes her looking for the traitors. that makes sense too.
in chapter 144, this scenery pops up right before they enter master tengen’s base(?) the branches are thicker than in the opening but it gives the same vibes to me. i think utahime will be the one to break gojo out.
why utahime? well, gojo is their best shot at stabilizing whatever the fuck is going on right now. she knows it’s a crime to unseal him, but she wants her students to be safe so she’ll probably risk it. plus, gojo’s flashback starts with him breaking utahime and mei out of a building with a barrier. i think utahime breaking gojo out of the prison realm will make a perfect parallel :3
that theory is a massive ass pull I KNOW. it’s just fun to think about. it’s likely that kurusu hana will be the one helping yuuji and megumi out with that.
if utahime isn’t the one freeing gojo, she will definitely come face to face with the other traitors.
ive read numerous Reddit threads and tons of users think she’ll play a small role in the story—nothing too significant. i’m perfectly content with that as well. i never expected her to be gojo level or anything like that LMAOO. as long as we get to see her technique in action, i will be satisfied 😮💨
——
i feel like there may be a few things i missed but i tried to include everything i could think of. the organization of this post is quite off but im too lazy to rearrange it in a way that makes it more coherent LOL. thank you so much for reading. ill probably analyze gojo and utahime’s interactions in the manga and anime next :-)
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Slice of Folklore: An Asian Historical Folklore AU
by Tamadango
Oh god....Okay so this is an AU based on Chinese Folklore.
Reigen is a Daoshi Priest. This is a real sect of Taoism. But within the context of folklore, these Daoshi are more like Mages. They travel from village to village, doing exorcisms, performing rituals, removing curses, treating illnesses, presiding over ceremonies like funerals and also reanimating the dead so they can be walked to where they need to be buried.
Ekubo is a Jiangshi. More on this later.
That idiot villager…. said this route was a safe and easy hike
This is taking way longer than I expected. The other route would have been much faster
As he’s walking through a cave, the path underneath his feet collapses and he falls into a lower level of the cave.
(In chinese folklore, humans live on the surface and monsters/the dead/ spirits reside underground. Caves are sort of a limbo area inhabited by monsters, that average people avoid.
The path collapses underneath his feet, and he falls. -Screaming- Holy shit!
He falls and grunts in pain before looking up.
Directly in front of him, is a Jiangshi.
SAFE MY ASS!!
(Jiangshi are monsters from chinese folklore. They are corpses reanimated by blood spells. Lower level Jiangshi are just straight up zombies. Higher level ones are spirits sealed into dead bodies so they have some kind of will/consciousness like Ekubo here. They are reanimated by Daoshi priests and are obligated to serve them.
By default, Jiangshi are servant monsters, they ALWAYS have a master. Since they are dead/decaying bodies, they feed on the lifeforce of living people, ie blood. They can be powered up with blood, sealed with blood seals, sustained/controlled with blood. etc.
It’s sort of the mix between a zombie_ (undead, with poisonous bite)_, a vampire (needs blood), and a summoned demon (serves a master.) in western fiction.)
Reigen reaches around for his bag as the Jiangshi hops towards him. “Dammit all my tools are in my bag.”
(Tools specifically associated with being a Daoshi priest, like exorcism stuff, ritual daggers…spell tags…etc)
WHOA!
The creature is lunges at him, snapping. -teeth snapping sounds-
Reigen: ....? What an odd blood seal. Is it possible that this Jiangshi is acting under the control of this spell?
I have to remove it somehow!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
bottom panel -murmuring-
Ekubo: Hnnnnnngg
I’m finally free… Thanks to you
(So technically, he serves Reigen now. Jiangshi are servant monsters by their nature.)
Reigen: Ahhh the J…..J…. Jiangshi…. It talks! (Low level Jiangshi can’t talk... only the spirit sealed ones can.)
Ekubo: What kind of terrible outfit is this?
Ekubo: Huh? Don’t put me in the same category as those low class monsters.
Ekubo leans over: ....hmmmm
Sniff Sniff
You’re a Daoshi Priest from the Salt group aren’t you?
Eh?
Ekubo: and you’re a virgin….good! good!
Reigen: What business is that of yours?
Ekubo: Haha…What’s your name?
Reigen: Reigen.... Reigen arataka
(Daoshi Priesthood requires celibacy, virginity, veganism, no alcohol and vow of poverty, along with a lot of other things like prayer, literacy in religious languages, etc.)
My name is Ekubo. I am an high level creature of darkness!
(In Chinese folklore, Humans reside on the surface and monsters, demons, spirits, reside underground, and are collectively referred as such.)
You’re going to help me find the asshole who kept me sealed for the past couple hundred years so I can take my revenge.
Reigen: No, I’ll pass. I need to get to the next town, see ya (he says this very fast while walking away)
Ekubo: What?! Hey Wait! There’s lots of gold and treasure in the crypt below. I was guarding it. It’s yours if you help me out.
Reigen’s ears twitch.
(Daoshi Priests are required to take a vow of poverty so he’s not supposed to be interested in riches or accumulating wealth.
Jiangshi are servant monsters by their nature, and must have a master at all times. Which is why Ekubo tries to convince Reigen to go with him. Because If Reigen just left, he would have no choice but to follow.)
They’re looking at a sarcophagus covered in spell seals in the chamber below.
Reigen: Is that the owner of the crypt buried here? Doesn’t look wealthy to me.
Ekubo: Im sure all the good stuff is in the coffin
(In ancient china, as in most ancient cultures, it’s typical to dress the corpse lavishly and fill the coffin with jewelry, money and valuables, so the dead person can be wealthy in the afterlife)
Reigen: Hey, All these coffins in the back here are empty… that’s really strange
-Click-
Ekubo: No… those aren’t normal coffins… these… they’re sacrifices!
Reigen! It’s dangerous, Get Back!
Reigen: Wait… why are you running?!? Weren’t you looking for this guy so you can take revenge?
Ekubo: Hey I thought he sealed me here to guard the crypt, I didn’t realize I was intended as a snack for later.
Reigen: What?!? Does that mean those coffins are empty because it already ate them? So there’s no actual treasure?
Ekubo: Is THAT what you’re worried about right now? Can you stop being a greedy bastard for a bit so we can get out of here?
(Again, as a priest, he would have taken a vow of poverty and isn’t supposed to be interested in riches.)
Ekubo: Reigen what are you doing? You cant beat him! That monster is powered up from eating countless other creatures of darkness.
Reigen: Yeah that’s exactly why he needs to be stopped
Reigen: Ridding the world of monsters and exorcising evil is my calling!
Reigen: And you, since you haven’t been eaten yet, help me out
Ekubo: Tch! I want to, but this body is way too weak to go up against a monster like that.
Get down!
Ekubo: You don’t look it, but you’re actually pretty powerful. Shame it’s not enough to defeat him. Impressive nonetheless.
Reigen: We don’t have time for small talk! Think of something useful! Get us out of this mess!
Ekubo: Alright alright, calm down. You can leave it to me.
Ekubo: huh! very nice flavor.
The blood from the tongue of a virgin plus my (some kind of power class that is ancient but also protective)
(I really tried to translate this part but I don’t get the exact words he’s saying. The gist is that he gets a powerup by combining their powers. That’s it.)
Ekubo: I should be able to break through the protective barrier that he’s using to shield himself.
**Ekubo: Bring it! I’ll show you my true strength. **
Reigen: Can’t move… Cant feel my body at all….Looks like the poison is taking effect…. Makes sense… the bite of a Jiangshi
(Jiangshi feed on lifeforce/blood, so their bites can drain a person of their lifeforce temporarily.)
Can’t feel my tongue at all. It’s completely numb
Dont lose you bastard
I’m so tired……
Reigen: Ekubo?
Ekubo: Farewell...
Ah!
-tongue hurts -
Thinks: so it wasn’t a dream
**He starts sobbing. **
**Ekubo: You alright? **
Reigen: It’s a talking fart!
Ekubo: Hey! It’s me! Ekubo!
Why are you crying? You miss me?
(More advanced Jiangshi are spirits sealed into dead bodies so they can be freed if their bodies are destroyed )
Reigen: Idiot! I’m trying to get the taste of corpse out of my mouth! You’ve been dead for hundreds of years!
Ekubo: Why are you so angry? Was that your first kiss?
Reigen: Shut up! Don’t you have some underground crypt to return to? What are you loitering out here for?
Ekubo: Just doing my guard duty.
Reigen: Why are you following me?
Ekubo: Why can’t I follow you? I just saved your ass, you could be a little more grateful you know.
(So earlier, Reigen removes the seal that was controlling Ekubo, and he then serves Reigen by default. After his body is destroyed, he’s free to move on. The implication here is that he’s chosen not to, and has decided to follow Reigen around instead.)
By Tamadango
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UGHHHH. I was not going to translate this. But @gemmawritessometimes prodded me into it. There was so much goddamn folklore shit to explain.
Also this comic has a lot of terms you ONLY see in folklore and rarely anywhere else. Goddammit.
Yeah, anyway, enjoy this comic.
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How I Would Humble NHL Players
An essay written by bigboigritty.
I would humble hockey players the only way I know how to, by sending them to Australia. Let’s suppose that they have decided to hold the All Star game over here (forget about it’s usual date) (forget that some players I have listed below might not be invited) (and while you're at it, please forget that Australia’s rinks are Not Good).
I think that they would suffer but in an entertaining way so it’s fine.
First of all, their biggest concern is getting sunburnt. It would effect all of their dumb asses but I’m particularly worried about Pierre-Luc Dubois and Mitch Marner. Boys are practically translucent. Vince Dunn would be fine, he’d probably wear a shirt most of the time which is a very smart decision.
You may wonder why I didn’t mention Nolan Patrick because I am a certified slut for him, well I don't think he would have a problem. He would spend most of the time inside and when he joins the others, I think his Virgo ass would reapply sunscreen. Maybe he would burn slightly but I don't think it'd be enough to make him uncomfortable.
Another thing that I think they will gain from this experience is a higher pain tolerance. Now you’re probably thinking, “Zoe they are NHL players so they can handle pain.” Wrong.
Real pain is running barefoot on cement at theme parks while you race to get to the next ride. Also getting into the car and having to avoid touching every piece of metal to not get branded like a cow. Or better yet, when the heat gets so bad that there’s a black out because everyone has their air conditioning turned on.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that other countries have scary animals but I would pay to see them panic over ours. Crocodiles here can grow up to 5.2 metres / 17 feet. We have a box jellyfish season where it’s advised to avoid swimming or wear wetsuits for coverage. Funnel web spiders can survive underwater for hours by trapping air bubbles around their skin. We have several of the worlds deadliest snakes present across the country.
Listen, I don't want anyone to get injured but the constant fear that they would have when doing anything would be enough to make me happy.
My biggest question is who would survive in the shady areas, who would survive the eshays?
Under no circumstances can you look them in the eyes or cross their path. They are not to be feared individually but in groups caution is advised. I think the players would attempt to assert dominance and that is simply not an option. You are better off to ignore the eshay.
Nolan would have no issues here if im being honest. He is big and I don't think they’d find it worth it to fuck with him. But you know who they would target? Matthew Tkachuk. “Where are you going pretty boy?” “Oi braa did we hurt your feelings ya pussy cunt?” They would make fun of his hair in particular.
Travis Konecny would be an eshay. I don't think I need to make further comment. (So would Louis Tomlinson but I am not a 1D account and I will continue to repeat that until it’s true.)
I would also give them a few iconic tasks to get the true Australian experience. Activities for the ‘vacation’ include triathlon events, beach flags, bush walking and climbing the harbour bridge. They could attend a cricket match but they tend to like golf so unfortunately they would probably enjoy this :(
AFL is an extremely popular sport here and I think they would loose their shit when they learn the rules of this game. No protective equipment is used other than mouthguards, that's it. That’s all you get. And jumping onto other players for leverage is encouraged. I would thoroughly enjoy the fights that would break out because of this.
Another task would be to use a map to make their way to a servo for a slurpee. The catch is that they will be required to pass through multiple alleyways. Also, the season is Spring, it’s swooping season mother fuckers. Let’s see how brave you are when birds chase you down the block. Personally I don’t think any of them would pass this test, maybe McDavid because the birds may not be able to detect a heartbeat.
Australian food would disgust them, I just know it. Things that they would need to try are a Bunnings sausage sanga, fairy bread, lamingtons, baked beans on toast, Milo and Vegemite. Because I’m me I would give them no butter with their Vegemite.
An after thought I had was money so I’m editing this to include it. Everything here is EXPENSIVE so they would need to learn how to budget. Upon doing research, Canadians would be fine but the Americans will be mad.
1000 CAD = 1019 AUD
1000 USD = 1297 AUD
Another after thought was the fact that they won’t be able to drive (or at least drive well) here. We drive on the left and not the right, same goes for walking paths too. I can sense a lot of them bumping into people.
Where I think players would live based on vibes alone:
Carter Hart and Vince Dunn: North Shore Beaches, NSW. Daddy’s money. Carter probably did Nippers whereas Vince was a skater boy.
Travis Konecny: Darwin, NT. Would 100% live there and enjoy it. He would try to conduct crocodile tours but gets assigned to feeding the baby crocs and doing shows for little kids.
Tyson Barrie: Perisher, NSW. One of the only ski resorts we have to offer, major friendly mountain man energy.
Nolan Patrick: Byron Bay, NSW. @antoineroussel enlightened me, steering away from my original thought of Katoomba, NSW. Byron Bay is a magnet for hippies and links rainforest to the ocean. Chris Hemsworth and his family also live there.
William Nylander: Perth, WA. I don’t know much about Perth other than they wouldn’t shut up about partying while the other states had to quarantine. For some reason, I also associate Perth with Tik Tok.
Sidney Crosby and Connor McDavid: Melbourne CBD, VIC. These two would live in the same apartment building in the city, Connor one level above Sidney. It’s the most boring looking block of them all and Crosby would send in complaints to the landlord about McDavid pacing during the night.
Tyler Seguin: Surfers Paradise, QLD. Party central, not many people are actually from this area and he would be sure to tell absolutely everyone that he was. I also think he would get a Meter Maid tattoo, specifically on his leg. Has definitely slept on the beach before because he couldn’t find his way home.
Jamie Benn: Hobart, TAS. Tasmania is usually forgotten about. Another one with mountain man energy except he is more creepy than friendly.
Mitch Marner: Fitzroy, VIC. @antoineroussel is responsible for this one too. Hipster central, makes you question how the hell someone so young can have so much money. Would chug $45 wine and not blink an eye.
(honourable mentions include = Sammy Blais: Hobart, Tas. Once again no comment on Tasmania. TJ Oshie: Cairns, QLD. Would do reef tours. Haydn Fleury: Western Sydney, NSW. Haydn would 100% own a ute or a white holden commodore and you can’t tell me otherwise. Roman Josi: Adelaide, SA. Small town history teacher vibes.)
I have attached a handy map for those who may need it.
In conclusion, the NHL should send their players over here to teach them some manners and while they’re at it, management should bring themselves too. Nolan Patrick could pass as an Australian if he built up a tan. (So does Nylander in this picture but we won’t talk about that.) Come over anytime baby, I’m free.
Glossary
Servo - A service station, also known as a petrol or gas station. Example: 7/11
Theme park - An amusement park. Can be said in reference to both normal parks and water parks and usually means those in QLD. Example: Six Flags
Swooping season - August to October in Australia. When birds attack and chase humans and / or pets for getting close to their babies. Magpies are notoriously bad for this.
Bunnings sausage sanga - A cheap feed / meal found at the front of a hardware and gardening store called Bunnings. Made up of white bread, sausage, onion and your choice of sauce.
Fairy bread - White bread with margarine and topped with 100s and 1000s / sprinkles.
Meter Maids - Women who work along the beach dressed in gold bikinis. They top up parking meters to save tourists from getting fined and will often stop for photos.
Nippers - Surf lifesaving programs carried out for children between 5 and 14.
Ute - A pick up truck.
Eshay - A person who partakes in drug use, graffiti, listens to EDM and targets victims in groups. Below is the typical style of an eshay.
Tagging a few friends so this doesn’t completely flop but feel free to ignore if it isn't your thing. I won’t be offended lmao
@scheifefe @ifiwasshawnmendesidslapmyself @d00dlebob @bowenbyram @kempe @prettyboyroope @quintonsbyfield @travisgermy @pitoftrash @kspitehockey @ballsakic @canadianheaters @bricksatlandyswindow @powerblais @brokeninsidebutnobodyknows @jamiedrysdales
#also feel free to send asks if you want more ‘where are players from?’#I’d give a better explanation in single posts#none of this is serious if you couldn’t tell#its all out of love#nhl#hockey#travis konecny#tyson barrie#nolan patrick#sidney crosby#also enjoy the magpie picture#connor mcdavid#william nylander#mitch marner#vince dunn#tyler seguin#jamie benn#carter hart#I refuse to read this again so ignore any mistakes#I feel like I had a fever dream writing this so I only hope you feel the same after reading it#I’m scared of birds can you tell?#z does other stuff
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It wasn’t but 5-6yrs ago, I’d wake out of bed and jump to my day until that one faithful day changed the worlds around my family and friends.
July 4th 2017 started out as a normal morning and day for me. We went to Medina Lake mid morning met up with some friends to enjoy the full waters of Medina Lake, boat rides, and tanning. Around 3pm my husband, 5yr old son, 4mos old baby boy and myself started packing up and leave, we wanted to make it to the Boerne Firework show. I’ve watched every year since I was a wee lil one.
As we were packing up, we were offered one last boat ride to see around the lake and watch our friends middle child jump off a famous cliff around these parts into the water. I’ve heard about this cliff, but never seen nor jumped off it myself and well I’m a bit of a thrill seeker, adrenaline junky, call me what you may. Anyhow, once we arrived to the cove, it was a happening spot at Medina lake, so many boats and people swimming, adults and kids jumping off different levels of this cliff thats about 30-35ft from the top to the water. My husband said he’d already done jumped it and was good, same said with my friend and even his son chickened out but I put a life vest on and swam over. I didn’t want us to have sailed over there for nothing. My husband, John, he said he’d be at the bottom waiting for me. I started to hike that cliff until, there was no more hiking, I had gone to the top. When I looked down, I started getting tunnel vision, “Boy this is a heck of a lot higher up from up here than from the looks of it down there!” I thought to myself. I peeked down again and heard John yell, “Take your life vest off.” At that moment I wanted to turn around and head down to a lower spot to jump but that was steep and I didn’t want to break my leg or arm. I let a few others jump on before me, watched as they did flips and were wild having a blast from that jump. As I prepared myself to jump, I heard the voice I still believe to this day, the Lord Christ my savior “Don’t take off your life vest.” He saved my life that day.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and jumped. Hitting the water like it was a pile of bricks or a concrete building, lost function in one of my arms and though I had the vest on, I must have gone down at least 15ft into that water. That pain I felt in my back I can’t describe, but I can still feel it to this day. I thought I was going to drown after I awoke from blacking out briefly from the pain. As I looked up and saw the sun through the water, I asked God to tell my boys and husband that if I knew I was going to drown, I never would have jumped and I hope they know how much I love them. As I floated up, reaching towards that beautiful light in the water I finally gasped for air and could breathe! Legs floated up, my husband clapping and shouting “You did it! You jumped, how do you feel?” Im yelling out “My back, my back, my back John!!” As he got closer he heard and handled the situation calmly. grabbed my vest and pulled me to the boat. I’ll remind you, I had only one arm functioning at that moment, I was not able to get into the boat. So my husband, friend and his son worked together and on one of the waves John threw me up to them and they pulled me in to the boat, laying me on the bench. “I was hollering in pain, blacking in and out.” The waves driving back, were so brutally painful. When we arrived back at shore I tried to keep it together for my boys, I did not want them to worry. I couldn’t be moved or touched without screaming in pain. So my friends father in law drove his truck up to the boat, it had a covered bed. I was rolled up out of the boat and onto that truck bed cover, driven to a picnic bench next to my husbands Tacoma, rolled onto the picnic bench then carefully but quickly carried the short walk to my husbands truck. Every movement felt like I was breaking my back all over again.
The ER doctor, Dr. Charles Dees, told me I had broken my back, needed to see a specialist, and he hopes I don’t have a strenuous job. I had an incomplete spinal cord injury and I was left paralyzed from the waist down. No doctor’s note, he sent me back home telling me I needed to see a Neurosurgeon STAT, yet wouldn’t order the MRI while I was there. I knew it was a requirement before being able to see a Neurosurgeon specialist. I went home and after 3 days of my original physician’s office not taking this seriously I finally reached out to a family friend doctor who is a family practice physician. When I told him what happened, he got my records the same day from the ER, had an MRI ordered, sent a STAT referral to a Neurosurgeon, and even scheduled me an appointment. I switched all my care over to Dr. Jennings after that incident, he took care of me then just as he did when I was growing up.
Well, this is just the beginning of my story. I will continue my adventure and what happens next in a following blog post.
Love always,
~TaraKaye
Great Equestrian Moments (G.E.M)
“We love because Christ loved us first.”
1 John 4:19
IN GOD WE TRUST
#paraplegic#true story#blogger#fourth of july#wheelchair#hospital#emergency#accident#shockwave#moment#inspiration#nevergiveup#never forget#keep on keeping on
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The Warriors Smile
Fandom: Pocahontas
Characters: Kocoum, Kekata, Nakoma, Pocahontas
Relationship: Kocoum
AN: So I remember seeing this request for Kocoum, but I cant seem to find the specific request. I remember it being about him not dying and the reader traveling with John and the reader falling in love with Kocoum and respecting his culture, but the details are foggy.
Im not sure if this was what you had in mind, but I hope it satisfies you for now and if ive totally miss remembers the request or its not what you were looking for, just let me know 😊
You didn’t like being on deck when it was such a storm. You were useful as a medic, but your training didn’t extend to battle the harsh sea. But after John had jumped overboard for Thomas, you came to make sure they weren’t injured.
John saw your sour face when the men started talk of killing anyone you came across in the new world. After he came down from the crows nest, he tried to cheer you up, not knowing that you only stayed on deck to speak with him.
“You look like you were the one who fell overboard.” He leaned against the banister, his face scrunched up in fake concern.
“I wish you wouldn’t call them savages.” You mumbled to John, not having enough energy to fight with the rest of the crew.
“But they are.” He looked at you perplexed. “Besides, everyone else on this ship calls them sav-“
“You’re not everyone else, John. And they look up to you. You cant have not noticed Thomas following you around like a shadow.” You saw the smirk pull at his lips meaning he knew what you were talking about.
“He listens to you, too. Hes becoming pretty knowledgeable with medical stuff because he follows you around like a child.” John fires back, and he was right. But only because you warned Thomas that you might not always be around and he needed to know enough in case something happened to you.
“Just, just remember. They’re humans too.” You huffed, wanting to move the subject back.
“But they’re different.” John kicks off a boot to pour out some water.
“They aren’t as different as you think, John. We’re different. Most people on this ship are different. Different eye colour, hair colour, height, weight, built.” You wave to the crew who weren’t paying any head as they secured the deck. “But i bet they have hearts that beat, lungs that breath and blood that runs red.”
“Maybe I’ll find you a savage for you to find out.” John smirks at you as he tries to lighten the mood, but the moment he saw you weren’t impressed, he stopped.
John could normally read you like a book. You had bother grown up together, and he pulled you along on his adventures many times. He got into fights and you patched him up. You had warned him that you were just a nurse, and one day you might not be able to patch him up. But he dismissed you as a ‘rambling wife’. Not that you were married, or anywhere near a relationship. In truth, you were sure you two would rip each others throats out if left alone too long. But people often assumed there was more than friendship.
“I truly hope you are joking, John. No one deserves to die for simply being alive.” You shake your head, disappointed as you stand, rubbing your arms.
You turn to disappear back into your quarters, hoping your words might have some weight with the man.
------time skip ---------------
When John disappeared from the landing party, you found yourself wondering into the surrounding woods. You knew you would be chastised for it later, but you didn’t care. It was so beautiful.
you wouldn’t go too far, venturing about 15 minutes away from the others until you found a clearing.
The way the sun shone down on the forests was like something out of a fairy-tale.
You were so lost in the beauty of it all that you almost didn’t notice the small chirping coming from the ground beside you.
Glancing down, you saw a small bird. It had a yellowy orange chest, with a blue back and black markings.
Crouching down, you wondered why a bird would be this close to the ground. It seemed dangerous. Unless something was wrong with him?
The bird began to jump to you, but you saw its left leg wasn’t taking any pressure and it hobbles a little.
“Shhh.” You picked up the small bird with ease and sat down with your legs crossed, your skirt making a small nest for the animal to sit in.
“I think you have dislocated your leg, sir.” You mused, gently wrapping the bird in the towel and making sure you could still get to the leg .
You grabbed some small bandages you used for fingers and smaller cuts and folded it in half so it was the length of the birds leg. You wrapped the small leg till you felt it had enough padding without hindering the bird too much and then tied it up.
“All done. My fee will be in the mail.” You laugh to yourself, even though there was no one around to hear your little joke. You unwrap the bird, which tweets happily. “Lets get you somewhere high.”
Getting to your feet, you hold the bird in your hands, leaving the towel and your medical supplies on the floor as you searched the surrounding trees till you found a branch about the hight of you eyes.
Taking the bird over, you place it on the tree, but the branch wasn’t thick enough and you didn’t think it was high enough either.
“Higher?” You ask, even though the bird has no say as you pick it up again, venturing to another tree which was higher up.
The bird didn’t even move from your hand as you reached up to let it go onto the branch.
It started tweeted, looking up to a near by tree.
You followed its eyes and saw a small bundle of sticks and twigs nestled between two thick branches. The problem was that the nest was about 10 foot off the ground.
You groaned, walking up to the tree and looking up at your new destination. There was a branch that you could grab onto, but you didn’t know if you had the upper body strength to pull yourself up and hold yourself with just one free hand.
Moving the bird into one hand, you reached up and grabbed the branch. You managed to walk up the tree and pull yourself up till you were eye level with the branch you were holding, but your arm was shaking. You were almost parallel to the branch as you glanced down, seeing you were now a good 5 foot off the ground. Before you could even reach out and attempt to put the bird up to its nest, your arm spasmed and you lost your grip.
You didn’t even have a chance to yell as you fell, preparing yourself to crash on the ground.
Until arms caught you.
Your eyes had been scrunched shut, expecting pain, so your mind immediately thought John or one of the others had found you.
Opening your eyes, you forgot how to breath.
The man who had caught you was unbelievably handsome.
Strong cheek bones and jaw line with dark brown, intelligent eyes that stared back at your own.
You knew your surprise was painted on your face, but his was stoic, like a warrior.
He had long hair with shaven sides, like a mohawk, but the hair fell to the left and down to his shoulder, and white feathers adorned the back of his head.
The man lowered you to the ground gently. You both watched each others every movement, trying to work out if the other was dangerous or not.
Just because you refused to call them savages didn’t mean you trusted them completely. You were on their land, their homes. They were within their rights to chase you off or punish you if they saw fit.
The bird chirped in your hands. Apparently, you had tried to protect the bird from the fall rather than try held yourself. Great self-preservation skills.
The man took a few steps back from you but before you could ask why, he ran at you.
You let out a small yelp, turning away to try protect yourself. But then you heard a grunt.
Looking through your hair, you saw he had ran right past you. And up the tree.
He was holding himself on the branch, managing to get enough momentum to get past the lower branch and brace himself on it with a straight elbow on one hand.
The sheer strength in his arm was shown by the muscles.
He reached out to you, eyes darting to the bird.
You instantly understood and went to him, placing the bird carefully in his outstretched hand.
He rose it to the nest and the bird jumped happily into its home. You smiled widely, happy that the animal could recover from its injury in its home from a little while. Perhaps you could bring it some food later.
The man looked back to you, and you caught his eyes. Despite your smile, his face stayed stoic. Taking a step back, you allowed the man space to jump back down, landing elegantly before straightening back up. He towered over you, and you suddenly felt rather intimidated by his presence as your eyes fell to the red markings on his chest.
Two clawed paws. Like a bears or wolfs.
You opening your mouth, about thank him when you heard voices calling your name.
Whipping to look over your shoulder to where the voices came from, you started to panic. If they found this man, he was dead.
Looking back to him, you saw his eyes darting to the sound as well, his stance strong. In fact, you could see that he was growing more hostile with every call.
“you need to go.” You whispered, drawing his attention back to you. But his eyes showed confused. He couldn’t understand you.
You tried make a shooing motion with your hands, but he only grew more perplexed. Eventually, you were drawn to more drastic measures.
You placed your hands on his bare chest and pushed him back behind the tree. He stumbled slightly, before his stance became really aggressive. But he was out of sight now.
You backed off, pressing your fingers to your lips as you silently begged him to stay hidden. And just in time.
“[y/n]!? Where have you been?” Thomas called out to you and you flashed the man a small smile before walking back to your items.
“Frolicking through the flowers, are we?” Ben laughed but ti quickly stopped. “Whats that on your hand, lass?”
Looking down, you saw some of the red paint from the stranger had rubbed off onto your hand.
“Oh, I found an injured bird.” You wiped the evidence on your skirt as you gathered up your things.
“We better get you back.” Thomas looked to the sky, the sun lower in the sky.
“Okay. I’ll follow.” You nod, throwing your bag over your shoulder.
The two men retreated back into the woods, you following behind. But not before you could steal a glance back to the tree, seeing the stranger watching. You smiled at him before turning back.
You heard the men grumbling about having to dig for gold. You would certainly make sure Ratcliff had a piece of your mind if he thought for a second you’d be digging.
however, the moment you got back, all hell broke loose.
Guns were firing, and crys that there was savages.
Ducking behind a waggon, you saw them firing at some people in the trees, and they hit one.
That might have been the end of it, but then you saw the man from the forest. He scooped up his fallen alley and carried him back into the wood as they all retreated.
Stuck in a conflict, you stayed hidden as you thought.
You owed him something. Not your life, but he had saved you from a broken hip or a concussion. And you knew they probably wouldn’t be able to treat a gun wound.
You thought of the man, suffering in agony before dying with no understanding of what had hit him. So you did the unthinkable. Racing into the woods, you followed them, until they reach a village.
You almost collapse when you see the colony of small huts. The crew would slaughter them as sure as day. A deep sickness filed your stomach as you press your hand over your mouth.
You took an oath to help people, not hurt them.
Holding the strap of your bag, you take a shaking breath. You could very well be walking into certain death, but that man needed your help.
Taking a deep breath, you circled the outside of the village until you saw them taking the injured man into a hut. That must be either his home, or a medical place. You would bet the latter.
Slipping inside, the group were too preoccupied with the wounded man to notice someone who wasn’t like them had entered. You felt like you had just entered a sleeping lions den.
So you cleared your throat.
Like lions, they turned and bore weapons at you as if they were fangs.
“No, I want to help.” You held your hands up to show you meant no harm, but the men couldn’t understand you.
You looked around, trying to figure out a way to show them you wanted to help him. Pulling the bag open, you pulled out the bandage you had.
Showing it to them that it wasn’t a weapon, you began to wrap it around your arm.
“Help.” You repeated, pointing to the gunshot wound.
Their eyes narrowed, but none protest as you moved closer to the injured as you unravel the bandage from your arm. You would need it. You inspected the gunshot wound. There was no way he could survive this without medical help.
But you would need the take the bullet out, clean the wound and sew him shut.
You didn’t notice the chief looking to the man you had met not an hour ago. There was a silent understanding between them to let you be unless you caused any issues. And the shaman had said he didn’t know how to heal such wounds.
“I need to take the bullet out.” You spoke, knowing they couldn’t understand everything you said. You rummaged to the bottom of your bag and found the spare bullets that the men had dropped.
Pulling them out, you showed the man you assumed to be the leader one of the bullets between your thumb and pointing finger. You then mimicked how the men held the guns and made a quiet gun shot noise before showing them the bullet flying to his wound.
Eyes widened as they realises what you were saying.
“We need to take it out.” You pull out your bullet remover. It was a relatively new invention in the medical word, only about 50 years old but it was a key part of your tool kit.
But you didn’t know it they would understand that. Your eyes flickered to the head healer, who looked to chief. A breeze came through the tent, making you shudder while the small group closed their eyes for a brief moment. When the chief opened his eyes, he nodded to the head healer who looked back to you.
“Save him.” He told you, making your eyes widen at his English. But you nodded, and got to work.
They let you work without question but with watchful eyes.
You warned it would hurt, and apologised. But the man gritted his teeth and managed to stay still.
Bullets were kind of a speciality of yours. It wasn’t something you were proud of, but it was a fact.
the bullet was out with 5 minutes. But that didn’t mean it was over just yet.
You sewed up the wound, trying to make it as neat as you could.
“You’re doing really well. Im nearly done, I promise.” You glance to the injured man, and you could see the relief in his eyes.
“Why did you come?” Their leader asked you.
“To help. Im a medic. I took a vow to heal people where I could.” You answer truthfully as you wipe away the blood from around the wound and placing a gauge over it.
“Your people caused this.” The chiefs words made you flinch.
“My people are ignorant and arrogant. I am not like them. I don’t want a war or anyone to get hurt.” You shook your head, feeling the guilt in your stomach.
“Why?” he knelt next to you, his eyes watching your face closely.
“All blood is red. Its my job to heal that.” You look at him, hoping he might understand your reasoning more than you did.
“We cannot let you leave.” The chief stated as he stood, but you had prepared for this.
“if you don’t, they will come to find me.” You answer, looking up at him.
“Then how do we know we can trust you?” he asked, his chin rising as he spoke to look down at you.
“You cant.” You answered honestly, your eyes dropping. “But I can trade you supplies. Like these. To help if you do get into fights. I don’t have much, but it will help you.”
The chief regarded you for a moment, his mind thinking over your deal.
“Are they dangerous?” The leader asked you as you focused than you needed to on tying the bandage.
Pressing your lips together in a straight line, you nodded once.
“Leave by night fall. Do not return.” He spoke with authority and you nodded, thankful he was allowing your freedom.
“Thank you.” You bowed your head to him out of respect as you packed your things.
“We will fight this enemy, but we cannot do it alone. Kocoum-“ the chief was answered as the stranger from earlier stood and followed him. “Send messengers to every village in our nation. We will call on our brothers to help us fight.” He walked out the door, the stranger from earlier at his side as he addressed his people. “These white men are dangerous. No one is to go near them.”
You sat back on your heels, unsure what to think. Had you condemned your friends?
But these people had a right to know, to protect themselves, didn’t they?
You were conflicted, torn between the right thing to do.
The lead healer hummed a little, regarding you.
You held out a spare gauge and bandage to him, which he took along with a bottle of anti-septic.
“Its incredible, how calm he was.” You look at the man, who lay with his eyes closed as if in a trance.
“I will speak on your healing once it is done.” He muses, but his eyes danced with some amusement as you smiled at him.
He pushed a bowl of water to you so you could wash the blood off your hands.
Just as you were drying your hands, the stranger from earlier stepped back in.
Kocoum.
“I hope to meet you again, child. But not in such circumstances.” The healer smiled, nodding to you before he continued his chant from earlier, signalling it was your time to leave.
Kocoum snuck you out the back, and guided you through the forest in silence.
You followed without question, occasionally falling behind a little but always catching up until you saw the wooden logs being hauled up to build a fortress.
Placing a hand on Kocoums arm, you stopped him.
“You shouldn’t go any further.” You told him, your eyes screaming apologies to him as you stepped in front. “But im glad we met again, even if the circumstances were awful.”
Kocoum nodded, and you were sure if he was agreeing with you or simply acknowledging your words.
“Goodbye.” You step away from him, and he gives you a small bow, before he moves behind a tree, hiding.
When you emerge, it feels like the entire crew fauns over you, worried.
But Ratcliffe suddenly appears, parting the crew like a sea as he regards you.
“Where did you run off to?” he asks, his voice not showing any concern for your wellbeing but probably for your lack of labour.
“The guns and fighting scared me. I ran to the woods for cover and got lost.” You lied.
“And did you… find anything?” Ratcliffe prys, leaning down as if to intimidate you but you stood your ground.
“No.” You shook your head, not breaking under his pressure.
he huffed, demanding everyone gets back to word before retreating to his quarters. As the crew disperses, you steal a glance to the woods, unable to see Kocoum anymore.
-------------time skip ------------
You told yourself that you were just going to feed the bird. That’s the only reason you were going back to that clearing.
But you weren’t.
That man had plagued your sleep, and you wanted to see him again.
walking through the forest, you wondered if you were lost, until the clearing came into view.
Digging into your bag, you grabbed the paper bag of bread pieces and seeds you had managed to get your hands on.
Walking up to the tree, the bird appeared on the lower branch that you could reach, apparently recognising you and tweeting happily.
You took a palm full of the food and held it up to the creature, who happily jumped onto your wrist to peck at the food.
“Thank you.” A voice spoke from behind you, making you jump. But when you saw it was Kocoum, you relaxed. You had never heard him speak before.
“How is he doing?” You ask, going back to your task of feeding the bird. You could just leave the seeds on the branch, but you wanted to be doing something.
“He grows stronger every day.” Kocoum informs you.
“That’s good. I cant imagine the fear he must have felt.” You muse, as the bird jumps onto your fingers, hopping across your hand to stand on your palm to peak at the food.
You were grateful because you could lower your arms, which were hurting a little.
“Why did you follow?” Kocoum suddenly asked as you turned and sat at the bottom of the tree. In truth, you knew it was risky. Any instinct you had told you to run away, but you were so interested by him that all you really wanted to do was talk.
“I already told you. I don’t like seeing others suffer.” You move the seeds into one hand, freeing your right hand. With the back of your pointing finger, you stroke the birds head, smiling. “Plus, I own you for saving me from a nasty fall.”
He didn’t laugh with you, but you didn’t mind. You were a stranger to him, an enemy even.
Kocoum stayed standing, but backed away so he wasn’t looming over you.
It suddenly dawned on you that you knew his name, yet he didn’t know your own.
“Im [y/n].” you suddenly say, wanting to right that wrong.
“Kocoum.” He pressed a fist to his chest.
“I know.” You smile, amused by the birds trust in you as you petted it. Looking up, you saw Kocoum was confused and, perhaps, suspicious. “I heard the others call you by that name.”
Your explanation seemed to ease his suspicions, but not completely erase them.
He sat with you for an hour or so, and you told him about your home. You didn’t want to ask about his own in case he thought you were going to relay information. When you noticed that your absents would soon be reported, you stood. Placing the bird back in the tree, you told Kocoum goodbye, but he followed you. At first, it made you a little uneasy, until you reached the edge of the forest and it dawned on you that he was making sure you got back safely. Before you could turn and thank him, he was gone.
For the next few days, you found yourself running off to the clearing, and most times he was there. There was the occasion that he wasn’t, but he seemed to like your little meeting.
You were both suspicious of each other, but it seemed to ease out as you both spoke. Well, you spoke and he listened. He would ask questions, and seemed interested in you, but didn’t seem like much of a talking.
You joked about it, saying that it was fine because you could talk the ear off anyone, so you could easily make up for it.
And, at the, he smiled.
You nearly fainted. In the setting sun, in this beautiful clearing with this handsome man, he smiled at you. Your legs were jelly as you couldn’t help the blush that rose to your cheeks.
“Your voice like bird song.” Kocoum’s words would be the death of you, you were sure of it.
Now a blushing mess, stumbling over your words, you knew it was time to head home. He accompanied you as always, and yet he stayed a little close than normal. Just before you reached the outskirts, he grabbed your hand.
“Stay safe.” He whispered, and you could see the corner in his eyes.
“You too.” You returned the concern before the two of you parted.
-------time skip ----------
Whatever was going on with John, you were worried.
Pacing by your tent, you wondered where he had ran off to at such an hour. He should know better than to do this. You didn’t want to confide in anyone in case they told Ratcliffs and he got angry.
In fact, you hadn’t seen Thomas around either recently. Stopping, you glance around.
Something felt off.
Suddenly, the calmness of the night was broken by screams. Grabbing your medical bag, you followed the others.
Thomas came running, crying out for help, that John had been attacked and taken.
You rushed to calm him but the others got there first, demanding to know what happened.
“I kill one of them.” Thomas whispered, swaying back and forth before dropping his gun.
“You- you did what?!” You nearly shriek, but managed to keep it down as the men gathered weapons.
“I shot one. They took John because I killed one of their own.” He scrunched his eyes up, but when he opened them again, you were gone.
Running into the forest, you felt yourself trembling as you raced to the tribe, treason be damned.
Maybe you could help, or exchange something for John. You didn’t know.
“[y/n]!” A voice called out, making you nearly fall over as you stopped, heart beating so loud as you saw a woman running through the forest to you. She stopped when she saw you had noticed her.
“Kekata told me to find you. He said… you could help Kocoum.” She seemed unsure as she spoke, her eyes darting around.
“He- He was the one shot?” You whisper in disbelief.
And she nods.
You followed her as she raced back to the hut where you had went to heal the first man. Sneaking around the outside of the village, you both managed to slip inside without notice.
Kekata sat by Kocoum side, who was still. You were praying he was asleep.
Passing Nakoma, you raced to his side.
“It isn’t as the first one was.” Kekata spoke to you quickly, and you could hear the worry in his voice.
“No, its in a more dangerous area.” You nodded, confirming his worries.
A hand was placed on your shoulder, making you turn to Kekata.
“I wanted to give Kocoum a fighting chance. But I do not expect a miracle from you.” his words sunk in as he stood, preparing to leave.
You didn’t know what was going on. What was going to happen.
“I do not trust the white men. But I trust you. you might save one life, but I suspect blood will still fall at sunrise. Stay here. This is my safe haven for you, for what you have done for us. A debt repaid. Do not come out of this hut. Do you understand me?” Kekata spoke with such urgency and hints of aggression that all you could do was nod.
“If he wakes, sound the horn.” Kekata draws your attention away from Kocoum to look the elder. He was standing at the entrance, gesturing to the corner. You didn’t follow his direction, instead noticing Nakoma, who seemed confused and almost fearful that Kekata was leaving you alone with an injured Kocoum. “But I do not know if it will stop the war.”
War.
The word hit you like a bolt of lightning as the realising dawned on you.
You knew what would happen now, but you couldn’t think about it. You just had to focus on saving Kocoum as the two left the hut with no further words.
Putting on your calm façade, you told yourself it was just another patient.
Your hands shook a little more than normal, and you paused before you went near the wound.
But once you got to work, you were immersed. All the items you had given them were laid out to your side, along with your own and 2 bowls of water. Time seemed to drag, and you felt sick, but you pushed through.
You heard things happening outside the hut, the warriors marching to battle, but blocked it out until there was silence. Working by candle light, you blinked away an odd tear and focused.
Maybe, if Kocoum did wake, you could spare John too. Then its not a life for a life. Shaking away the grim thoughts, you worked through till you heard the morning chirping of birds. It was still mostly dark out.
Once you were finished, you sat back.
The cloth you had been using to clean the wound was bloody, and you didn’t want to use it any more. Ripping a piece of your shirt, you knew it was freshly cleaned this evening. The first bowl of water was more blood than water now, so you moved on to the fresh bowl and used the rag to carry water and run it over the wound to clean it.
You went to the water and wet another tore bit of your shirt before coming up and sitting beside his head to clean his brow. Your eyes darted to the paint on his chest, but you didn’t dare touch it. It wasn’t your place to remove that sort of thing.
You didn’t speak, not needing to offer any comforting words to anyone, but the silence was near unbearable as you waited for something to happen. For war to break out? For Kocoum to wake? You really couldn’t put your finger on it.
After what felt like a millennium, you noticed his eyes were moving behind his eyelids. You held your breath, your lips pressed together in a harsh line as you tried to keep yourself calm. However, the moment his eyes fluttered open, you broke.
Tears of relief streamed down your cheeks as you pressed a hand over your mouth to hid your sobbing.
The fear which had had your body in a tight grasp eased the moment he woke, and you had done so well keeping yourself calm while you had been alone that you were overwhelmed.
His eyes found you, and he began to sit up, despite the pain he must be feeling. Leaning on his left elbow and forearm, he pushed himself up into a sitting position before you could even talk.
“Don’t sit up, it will be painf-“ you couldn’t finish your sentence as a large hand slipped behind your neck and he drew you to his lips.
The moment his warm lips met your own, you were a goner. The nurse had left you, replaced with the girl who was screaming with excitement as he kissed you.
The kiss was intense, but controlled and carful, just like Kocoum.
He controlled every aspect and, if you had been standing, your knees would have been weak. It was so perfect, like a dream which you wished to never wake from. Some part of you was convinced you had falling asleep by his side and you were dreaming all this. You reached up to his face, your fingers gently grazing across his cheek before mirroring his own hold on you by slipping your hand around the back of his head to just above the base of his neck.
with your other hand, you gently wrap your hand around his wrist, your thumb pressing against the veins, feeling the pulse beneath the skin. A small shiver ran through your body as you moved closer, running your hand along his arm and to his chest. Pressing an open palm above his heart, you could feel the steady beat.
Pulling back, you felt the air flood into your lungs and the tent suddenly seemed to much bigger and brighter.
You couldn’t help the red in your cheeks, or the smile on your lips as you look at the man who had stolen your heart from the very moment he had caught you. Much to your surprise, you saw a smile tug at his lips, his eyes dancing with a joy you had never seen before. No one had ever looked at you like that.
He looked so happy, so full of life.
Suddenly, what was happened beyond the tent hit you like a wave as you jolted back.
“We have to tell them you’re alive.” You suddenly say, and you see the happiness be replaced with concern and confusion. “They think you’re dead. They are going to kill John in revenge but Ratcliffes marching to war with them.”
You began to panic again as you turn to where Kekata had pointed before he left.
In the corner was a horn.
Moving from his side, you grabbed the horn. Turning back to Kocoum, you knew you couldn’t ask him. He was already moving way too much and you were terrified his stitches wouldn’t hold. Getting to your feet, you went to the mouth of the hut and looked up at the blue sky, praying it wouldn’t see red today.
Taking a deep breath, you raised the horn to your mouth and blew.
The sound was deafening but you pushed through for a solid 10 seconds before lowering it. You didn’t know what it would do, or who could hear it. Perhaps you were too late.
Some leaf’s rustled as a wind ran through them in your direction, but what you felt was not the wind you knew.
It was a small gust, and it seemed to run up your body, winding around your legs and waist before passing your head and fleeing, taking leaf’s with it.
You stared in the direction it had went, and something told you that there was still a chance.
You jumped when you felt a hand on your lower back, turning to see Kocoum standing behind you.
“We need to go to them. They will need proof.” As he spoke, you knew he was right.
“But, you are still healing.” You press a hand to his chest, desperate to keep the heart beating within it.
“I will have time to heal when this is done.” Kocoum spoke with conviction, but you pressed firmly on his chest.
“No, you could undo your stitches.” You shook your head, until a small figure appeared from beside the hut.
Your eyes darted to her, nearly jumping at her sudden appearance before you recognised her as the girl from the night before, Nakoma. She looked at Kocoum as if he were a ghost, a hand pressed over her mouth before she stepped forward.
“I’ll go. I’ll tell them you are alive.” She nods firmly, before turning on her heel and running off towards wherever the battle was going to happen. Hopefully, the horn was enough to cause a moment of doubt, and Nakoma would be the voice of reason. Hopefully, it wasn’t too late.
You pushed your worries to the back of your mind and turned to Kocoum.
“You need to rest. Please.” You take his hands in your own and guide him back into the hut and towards the mat.
Despite his protests, you helped him lie back down as you chested the stitches and saw they were fine. Although, even if everything did turn out okay, you were sure you would have a battle trying to keep him still to heal.
There was not much else to do, but wait.
Within an hour, Nakoma ran back. By the look on her face, it wasn’t good news. You held your breath, waiting for her verdict.
Thankfully, the sound of the horn had reached Pocahontas in the forest as she ran to save John. Apparently, this was the one John had been sneaking off to see. She had manged to stop everything, even speaking sense to her father before Nakoma had appeared, telling everyone that Kocoum was alive. But then she grabbed your wrist.
“Your leader, a shot hit John. Hes bleeding.” As she spoke, you felt sick to your stomach.
Another bullet.
Grabbing your bag, you stuffed your medical supplies in.
“I’ll go. Will you stay and make sure he doesn’t move? His stitches are fresh and it could do damage.” You didn’t wait for her to respond before taking off in the direction she had came.
Something guided you through the woods, until you appeared at the bottom of a hill.
You saw your crew on the other side at the bottom of a sheer drop, and Kocoums tribe were on the hill.
There was relief on everyone’s face from your crew at your appearance. But you were worried. You had patched John up a fair few times. Your worries were that this time, you couldn’t.
Climbing the hill, the tribe parted for you as you came to John.
“Another bullet, eh?” you dropped to your knees beside him. he was lying with his head on Pocahontas lap as she soothed him.
“Yep, I’ve heard you’re pretty familiar with them.” He tried to laugh, but winces, holding his side where the blood was.
When you saw the position of the hole in his shirt, your heart sank.
Pulling away the material, your greatest fears were confirmed.
“John, the entrance wound is right on top of the scar from before.” Your voice shook and, for the first time since you arrived, you felt useless.
“What does that mean?” Pocahontas asked, unsure why that was an issue.
“It means I cant help him here. He needs to go back to England and get it surgically removed by a doctor. I don’t have the tools or the ingredients to do it here and I’m totally useless-“ Tears welled in your eyes as you were overcame with emotions. But John interrupted you.
“Hey, hey, hey. From what I heard, you’ve been very useful. Theres only so many times a sailor can patch up his ship before he has to put it to specialists, eh? And this ships taken a few waves or two over the years.” He chuckles, wincing yet again. But he soothed you immensely.
“I’ll get your bandaged up, give you some stuff for the pain. Im sure Thomas will be by your side the entire way home.” You smile, reassuring both him and yourself.
-----------time skip --------------
You stood by the sea, waiting as John asked. He said she would come say goodbye, and Kocoum had agreed the same.
“So, let me get this straight.” You sat, crossed legged by Johns side. “Me and you, two people who get mistaken as a couple all the time, each started a relationship with two members of a tribe who were due to be wed?”
“Yeah, funny how things work out, eh.” John smirked.
“Look.” Thomas, who had been standing on watch, pointed to the mist that lay thick on the forest floor this morning.
You couldn’t see anything at first, until there was the silhouette of not just Pocahontas and Kocoum (you were partly annoyed that he was walking so soon), but also of at least 8 others.
The crew held their breath, clutching their guns, until it was revealed the others were carrying baskets of food for the journey home.
You couldn’t help but smile at the gesture.
As Pocahontas came to John, you stood. But Thomas met her, taking off his hat out of respect.
“Going back is his only chance. He’ll die if he stays here.” Thomas spoke with her, and she placed a hand on his shoulder. You watched the two with such amazement and respect.
Powhatan and Nakoma approached. Powhatan pulled off his shawl and lay it over John.
“You are always welcome here. Both of you.” He looked to you as well, making you smile with gratefulness before turning to speak only to John. “Thank you, my brother.” He smiled down at John before retreating.
John said farewell to the animals, he then turn to Pocahontas. He cupped her cheek in an intimate way.
He asked her to come, and she refused because she was needed by her village. But when he offered to stay, she said he needed to go. Their love would be broken by distance, and as she leaned in and kissed him, you took your leave to go see Kocoum.
“Stay.” He took your hands in his own, holding them tightly against his chest as if he never wanted to let them go. You couldn’t help but smile, but you faltered in answering. Was it selfish to stay? John was leaving Pocahontas, with an open invitation back.
What if something happened on the way home and they needed a medic? Were you abandoning your promise by staying here? But you were staying as a healer as well, so did that balance everything?
Your thoughts were interrupted when you felt a hand clapping your back.
“Sorry to interrupt.” John called over to you. the smirk on his face was not one you trusted. “You know, [y/n], I think that we need a new nurse. One whos not going to run off and heal the enemy. Not that you’re the enemy now.” He quickly added to Kocoum. “No, I think that you should be somewhere that’s peaceful, somewhere that you cant run into trouble. Like, oh say I don’t know, here? Just something to think about.”
If he hadn’t been shot, you might have kicked him. Had everyone been eavesdropping this whole time?
Looking back to Kocoum, you couldn’t help but beam at him.
“I think that means I can stay.” You nod, bouncing on the balls of your feet with excitement. Kocoum smiled, and you heard him let out a breath that he had been holding. Something small flutters to your side, and you turn your head to see an old friend. The bird, with the blue back, was hovering beside you, chipping before flying into the sky. Something told you that you would see the little guy again.
You raced to say goodbye to the crew, and Thomas promised you that he would take care of John no matter what. You told him that you believed in him.
John didn’t like long goodbyes, so gave you a handshake along with a smile.
“I’ll see you soon, anyway.” You smile.
“oh, I’ll be back as soon as I can stand.” He joked.
“You know, I would roll my eyes, but Kocoum only got stiches a day ago, and he came to stay goodbye, so I have no doubt that you men are stupid enough to do that.” You returned, swatting his arm.
But soon, it was time to part.
The sadness you felt from seeing the ship sail into the distance was no unfelt, but as you felt the warmth of Kocoums body beside you, you couldn’t help but be excited for this next chapter of your life.
You were welcomed in the village both as a healer and Kocoum’s wife, and quickly became known as the only one who could make the warrior smile.
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Hello!So there's always been this theory that he tian will join the family business.but dosen't this a contradiction to everything he had done until now? he tian wanted mo to be good and even he tian was trying to be his best self throughout all this time. so he tian joining the business will be like joining the "dark side" at least that what he tian also thinks. so I don't know what reason there would be to make him join because he would need to do some bad things if he would be part of it, im afraid it would ruin his whole process
Hello, dear anon!
I have talked quite a lot about my thoughts regarding the future of HT (and Tianshan). Here are two previous posts that I feel like could be useful for your questions, especially:
Would HT work for his family in the future?
About the distance in Tianshan and HT’s future
However, your question had an interesting character development angle that I don’t think I have pondered before as such. And I feel like the recent chapter had some curious crumbs that also got me thinking about this whole thing again. So, at the risk of repeating myself, I am once again diving into this.
A quick note before getting further, though. The translations of any chapters that come after 341 used in this post are done by @1154lizz Please, go support our fandom’s precious lifelines!
“there's always been this theory that he tian will join the family business”
This has actually been one of the things that the new chapter got me to reconsider. I have heard the theory of HT potentially working for his family in the future, and I have always thought it very likely based on the Christmas specials.
I still think he might end up in the family business, but after the newest chapter, my focus somewhat shifted (ch. 348):
In the Christmas specials, the boys are at college age. ZZX is going to a university while JY is catching up on his high school education. MGS seems to be working, but the pile of books hints that he might be studying something, too.
Considering the He family a bit more, I actually think HT might be going to a university in the Christmas specials. Despite their presumably criminal line of work/involvement, I think the He family puts importance on intelligence and prestige. HT always scores top of his class. He is viewed and treated like an apple of the eye by the teachers, their prized pupil. I also think that if HT is to inherit the position of his family, he is expected to be smart and educated. Not to mention, prestige always means a lot of money which attracts powerful people to rub shoulders.
So, HT having a university degree (in business, perhaps) would make sense in my head. And if Mr. He is located abroad, HT is probably going to a foreign university as well. Of course, that doesn't mean he can’t be already somewhat involved in the family business by then, but I would say it’s entirely possible he’s still being groomed.
But this was just a side note. Whether he is already working for his father or otherwise getting close to that doesn’t really change things that much regarding your question.
“dosen't this a contradiction to everything he had done until now? // I don't know what reason there would be to make him join because he would need to do some bad things if he would be part of it”
This is actually something I haven't really thought about before. At least, not in so many words. I was talking about HT’s future with a friend of mine, and she said that she wishes HT won’t “give up on himself” in the sense that he stops rebelling against this father/family. Especially after everything he’s been through with MGS trying to make him fight for his own future and not submit. What would be the point of him telling MGS to be his own person if HT himself then joins the dark side even if it’s against his will?
Before I get to my thoughts regarding all that, I think it’s important to remember that the future is very much a question mark to us still. Even though the fact that HT seems to be staying abroad (among other things) gives us a base to make certain guesses, we still don't know for sure what he is up to in the future-related chapters. It’s good to keep that in mind when pondering the overall character development.
But I do take my friend’s and your points, dear anon. I could see why it would be disappointing if HT basically undid the progress of working on himself and went against his own principles. I could understand why it would be sad to see his fight have been for naught in the end.
But...as much as I do see where you’re coming from, I still kind of prefer the idea of HT getting involved with the family business one way or another in the future. Instead of disappointing, I would find it realistic and more interesting. HT having to compromise on his rather idealistic principles but still having them represented in MGS would have the kind of angsty layers that personally appeal to me. Both the good and bad being present in HT’s characters in a realistic way - imagine the complexity of that! The bitter-sweetness of “don’t become what I became”. Also, HT trying to keep the world of his family and whatever he has with MGS in the future separate would definitely be my kind of mafia ship aesthetic.
As far as potential reasons why HT might join his family business in the future, I think there are some possible reasons that have been hinted at in the current timeline already. I have talked about these before in the previous answers I linked above, so I won’t go as deep into this topic.
First of all, I think the He family has the kind of resources and influence that could help HT protect his friends and people who are dear to him (ch. 244, 245, 267):
HT’s character seems to have this contradiction that he despises his family’s behavior and way of dealing with things, but he will take advantage of that manpower and influence when it suits him. Granted, he does use them to protect his friends and I’m sure relying on them is less than ideal in his mind, but it still goes against him “being his own person”. In the end, resources matter and even HT can’t ignore that which makes his situation realistic.
Ultimately I think HT using his family could lead to him owing to them and basically being made to submit to his family’s will that way. In fact, I would say it has already happened a couple of times. At the back of one of those incidents, HT had to agree to go see his father. I don’t see why that arrangement couldn’t escalate further in the future as the steaks go higher. I think it very likely that in the future he will keep sacrificing his own ideals and principles to protect the good people who don't deserve to be oppressed by people like Mr. He.
Secondly, despite everything, this is still HT’s family we’re talking about, and I think he is more hung up on them than he would like to admit (ch. 229, 251, 252, 292):
I think the topic of family is very difficult for HT and he has a love-hate relationship with them. It’s painful to be disappointed and let down by the people you love as instinctively as one loves their family. HT has clearly been put through a lot of pain and trauma by the dangerous and ruthless life his family has chosen to lead.
But I don’t think even that has made HT completely given up on them. Perhaps not even when it comes to his father. I’m not sure if he is naive enough to expect them to change their lifestyle, but on some level, he might be waiting for something. When it comes to our families, the human mind works in mysterious ways. It’s easy to stay in a toxic environment and wait for something to change. And really, there are only two things that can change in those situations: them or us. Either they change themselves for better or worse or we make a decision whether we stay or leave for ourselves. I would say HT’s situation belongs in that last category where he is at this mental crossroad of trying to be separate from his family but also not being able to quite see it through.
Which brings me to another detail that got me thinking in the latest chapter. The issue of HC’s view on Mr. He that has been brought up before in the comic already (ch. 252, 348):
I think when it comes to their father and family in general, HC and HT are in very different kinds of mental positions. As the older son, HC has been subjected to the teachings and principles of their father for longer. I’m not sure if I would say he’s internalized them as such, but he has at least accepted them as a way to live his life. As an older brother, he has also naturally fallen into the role of responsibility a lot more than HT. He hasn’t had the position and freedom to rebel like HT has.
So, when HC tries to defend their father to HT, I think it’s wise to take his “background” into account. I’m not saying he’s lying when he believes their father does care about HT, but I think his disposition as the older brother makes him somewhat biased.
And yet...
And yet, I’m curious about how the new chapter brought this issue up again. Whenever HT accuses their father of just seeing his sons as pawns for his own gain, HC always seems genuinely taken aback by the outburst and how HT is talking about their father. The way HC said HT will “understand in the future” especially piqued my curiosity. Does HC know something about their father that HT doesn’t? Something that could - if not justify - then at least begin to explain his apparent ruthlessness? If that was explained to HT, would there be a chance that he would be less declined to join whatever his family is doing? I would even go as far as asking is HT waiting for a reason that would make thinking about his family less painful if there was something behind it all? Is it possible that HT had learned something like that by the time of the Christmas specials?
Now, that would be interesting.
Overall, I do get why it would feel like a setback in HT’s character development if he indeed ends up working for his family. But personally, I would be more interested in the complexity and realism of him being a part of both good (MGS and their relationship) and bad (the family business) at the same time. In my opinion, including the idea that life is much more complicated and grey-shaded than noble ideals would be really interesting to see.
Thank you for your question and ponderings, dear anon!
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A Dramatic Day
It’s been awhile since I’ve written here! There are a couple of reasons: first, my life has reached brave new heights of busy - I was promoted to Editor in Chief at work a bit over a year ago, and my responsibilities there obviously take a lot of time. I’m also teaching more courses than usual at Berklee (right now, one section of Film and TV and two of Game Design Principles), and, as usual, I’m training grappling on top of it all. Plus, naturally, the ambulance. I’m hitting my tour hours, and proud to do it, and as pumped as ever to be an EMT in this neighborhood.
I’m also... very, very, VERY slowly *actually writing a book* about all of this. I’ve begun interviewing a few fellow EMTs, mainly volunteers, about what it is we do. Because of how insane my schedule is, it’ll be a very long term project, and I can’t put any pressure to finish soon. But, especially through the pandemic, I’ve felt a desire to document and interview and report on the idea of volunteer emergency medical services in New York City, here in Brooklyn and Queens, and I think other folks might be interested in reading a bit about it.
But I’d like to get back into the practice of writing about calls and concepts and experiences. As always, I’ll respect patients and patient privacy, and will never reveal identifying information or anything inappropriate.
Today was a fairly busy day, but it started with a bit of a dramatic call. We were called to an unknown, and flagged down by a bystander. A man called us over and told us that he saw a man lying on the train tracks (a less-used track, not the subway or commuter rail or anything). He said he regularly feeds a colony of feral cats there, and noticed the gentleman lying down the way.
We thanked him and high tailed it over, yelling out to him (the usual “sir are you ok?”). My more experienced (many, many years in EMS, including at a much higher level of certification) partner took a look at him and said “he might be dead” and began looking forward a pulse. He went for more help (another ambulance was arriving and they needed to be directed over, the physical layout of the space was weird), and he instructed me to look for a pulse. I did, and found nothing. My other partner (a newer EMT, just cleared for CC status, who I also love working with), said “he’s cold to the touch.”
It was raining lightly. The tracks were a little slick, and there was some litter. It’s early may, and the grass had that beautiful sheen on it, that it gets in the rain. Weird things, visual and sense memory things, are coming back as I write about it.
He was lying down on his face on the tracks. I checked for a carotid pulse again and felt nothing. I checked his hands - they were closed and held tight. Rigor Mortis. I checked his arms, his coat, his clothing, careful not to mess with anything, but looking for lividity. He was bleeding from his face, and, on inspection, his face was very clearly badly injured, bruised, and bloated. I was wearing an N95, but even so, you could smell that he was deceased.
I told my more experienced partner that when he arrived with the other crew. We inspected the scene - noting a shovel and some other tools. There was a little encampment nearby - possibly where this man lived. Beer and food in a little shelter.
It certainly looked like foul play was possible. I learned a few minutes later (on my next call) that the cops did start an investigation there.
As one of the other EMTs from the other crew noted, it was “like a movie scene.” Something about the rain and the light, the way the blood pooled, the way the ants crawled around in it... was surreal. It may have been my less experienced partner’s first DOA when they were first on the scene (it wasn’t mine, but it was certainly the first *outdoor* DOA where I’ve been first and had to help establish that). It was my first suspected murder scene.
And yes, it was deeply sad. There’s some initial adrenaline, for me, in every call. There would be more on my other calls today. There is a voice in my head that repeats a lot of the basic instructions and goes through scenarios: “ABCs” (a note to always prioritize airway, breathing, and circulation). I think about what happened in any given situation and what I should do for my patient. I look for threats to everyone’s safety. And when I can breathe and get a clearer picture of what’s going on, that’s when I can start to process things a bit.
We covered him with a clean sheet from the ambulance and did all the things we needed to do. We talked about it a little, after the call. But I always need to think about things for a few hours after, which is what I’m doing here, by writing about it a bit.
I’m a deeply, empathetic person. I feel for my patients. The call I’m about to talk about - the very next call - required that of me in a different way. But in this scenario, I want to first do everything right for the person and situation, and next, be as respectful as humanly possible. This poor man died - was very probably killed - and was left outside in the rain. I don’t know much about his life, and very little about his death. The whole scenario is very sad, and very surreal.
Every time I’ve had a dead patient, it’s stuck with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget my first, a woman who very probably died of a heart attack or in her sleep, and her son found her. He was mourning. He was on top of the body, hugging her, crying “I’m sorry, mommy,” and there’s... I guess there’s nothing on earth like that. Nothing like that kind of pain. People, as a rule, do not expect to see their loved ones deceased, and when we do, we usually have a ceremony for it.
I’m just a bystander to that. I can do nothing to help the deceased person, and very little for a mourning loved one, besides being a respectful, empathetic human presence. For my deceased patient today, all we could do was establish that he was dead and do the proper things to ensure his remains would be taken care of (and his death investigated).
My next call was very different, but it was heavy in a different way. We got a call for, basically, a suicidal young woman. We arrived, with PD, to her door. The officers assessed things to an extent, but she revealed that she had been traumatized by police in the recent past, and didn’t want any police in her home. I talked with her calmly, and was able to relieve the cops and take this one, with my partner.
We listened to her. She had obviously been through some extreme trauma and needed mental health resources. I won’t reveal any details here, but I had to keep assuring her that I had no handcuffs and wasn’t interested in taking her against her will. She was terrified of being taken somewhere she didn’t want to go, and I basically sat calmly with her and talked to her about her options. Just talking. Just listening.
This is a case, like a patient a couple of years ago, where I’m very happy to take my time. I’m a volunteer, man. I’m not grinding through a shift for miserable pay, as most EMTs are - I’m here because I frankly want to be useful in this manner.
And I’m happy to sit with a person going through emotional hell, because this is what I can help with. I’m five years into being an EMT with RVAC. I do this 2-3 shifts per month, so I’ll never be the fastest, best, EMT in NYC. But I can be the most patient EMT, and I can give plenty of extra time to a person.
I’m not a therapist, and I don’t pretend to be. That’s what I told her - first, that I’m not a cop, I don’t have cuffs, I have no interest in taking her if she’s of sound mind and doesn’t want to go. Then, second, that I’m no doctor, and no therapist, and that I want her to have resources if she needs them.
We talked more, and did more vitals, and she decided she wanted to come to a mental health facility. We explained every step of the process to her, and what she could expect, and what to bring.
Do I wish I was an actual therapist who could help this girl right away? Yeah. Do I wish I had the ability to make mental health policy that provides good, effective, supportive therapy to all human beings who need it? Yeah. Do I wish I could do better for her than an ER with psych specialists? Where she could easily get lost in the cracks or simply never connect with what she truly needs? Yeah.
I can only take her to a place where people are at least trained to assess her and offer her further resources. I can only hope they actually can help, and do so.
I had another call where we did a bit of *psychological first aid* not long after that. A dramatic scene! A young woman fainted at work at a store, and several people were surrounding her and holding her at the scene! Folks were holding her hands and crying.
It looked wild at first glance, but our patient was completely ok - we got her out, had medics assess her completely, and brought her to the ER while assuring her parents that things looked ok. Her mother was extremely upset, and we had a bit of a language barrier, but we were able to assure her and let her know things looked ok, that her child had very promising vitals and EKG readings, and we just needed the ER visit to make sure.
The medics helping us out were INCREDIBLE. They offered a full walkthrough for us of what was going on physiologically with her and gave a very helpful tip on scenes like that - give bystanders little jobs (just simple stuff, like holding the door, or looking for something like a towel) to do! It helps (caring, kind, just want to help) folks feel helpful when they get scared, especially in dramatic-looking situations.
A lot of drama today. A lot of learning. I felt really good about taking charge with my psych patient and helping her to feel safe and able to make her own decision. Im glad we were able to help our young fainting patient. And as much as it’s heavy, I’m glad I was at least on scene today for our first call. I know I can do nothing but confirm obvious death, but, I take some heart in the kind bystander who called for him (the gentleman who feeds cats nearby).
At least someone cared enough to try.
I’m forever grateful for my partners, for the folks who have taken the time to teach me (back when I was VERY green and still, to this day, as I am learning every single shift), and for the patients who trust me to do my best for them.
I noticed today, this month marks five years of doing this, with my volunteer corps. I can only hope I learn more and become a more effective EMT as I go.
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Lewis Capaldi’s “Leaving My Love Behind” and how sad as sh!t it sounds.
Listen love is a MESSY subject to explain LMFAO. I mean we all experience love on a different level, with different interactions of love and different people to experience love with. Lewis Capaldi explores the messiness and confusion of love in his song called “Leaving My Love Behind” from his captivating album, ‘Divinely Unspired To A Hellish Extent’. Lewis has an astounding history with digging deep within the soul of his listeners and tackling the challenges of love itself. I’d just like to say that i am proud of myself for choosing this song to focus on how the sounds and its concept behind it for this song hits home on some deep shit dude. Alright but enough sad shit about me, let’s talk some sad shit about the song.
Just to be transparent as fuck, I know the absouslte bare minmum about music and the technically of music so bare with me. This track starts off with a melancholy piano intro in i dont know what damn key, but this key does play a trick on you and fools you to think that this song is going to be upbeat and lively, but SIKE it’s not. Lewis’s rich, deep tone breaks into the song and you can just hear the pain behind every word he sings. This first verse tackles the confusion on how downhill the relationship has fallen with a void created in the relationship by his absence, but still he pleads for her to hold on to the love they share. Within the prechorus, Lewis yearns for her to realize that love is not an easy concept for either of them but holding on to something that is not worth it hurts me than to hang on to the false relationship they are both trying to create for each other. When Lewis says the word “Love”, there is a restraint in his voice, he is holding back on the whole wood for how agonizing it is to bring up, but still we understand clearly that he is is ok to let the love go. And if you are careful and paying very close attention you can hear Lewis take a breathe before singing the pre-chorus with the word “Love” for like I said, the downfall of their love is something he doesn’t want to admit.
MY GOD DID THIS CHORUS MAKE ME CRY LIKE A BITCH. Not only do we get a whisper of an electric gutair playoing alongside the piano chords from the beginning, but Lewis jumps right into the chorus with a powerful screech that is full of pain and sadness. Hearing him singing this chorus made me respect him heavly as an artist when I first got into his music. His vibrato in his voice is just so rich and pure and one word out of his mouth and you already know its going to hit you like a fucking truck. In this chorus he relazies that putting effort into something that just wasnt meant to be saved has amounted to his energy and tim being wasted. No one likes to hang onto something that is not worth saving and you precisely hear that in his voice as he sing this entire chorus, SHITTTT even as he sing the entire song. In my opinion I believe his team used no affects on his voice since its just powerful to begin with and focussed on the amazing and controlled range he is giving when he his belting his soul away with the high notes.
(^Me as I listened more and more to the song lol^)
The second verse has that same sound/vibe as the first verse but before existing the first verse, at the very end of it we get nice steady harmony of Lewis singing the line “cracks in conversations way too long, im barely holding on” and when hearing this i was barely able to hold onto my damn tears in my eyes. This time in the prechorus, Lewis chooses to sing this part in his higher range with another, very low, harmony of his voice singing the same part singing in the back. Its something that could be missed but if you are only focussing on the song and only the song you can hear it.
Overall, the second chorus sounded very similar to the first. Still with the same instruments and same aspect Lewis was bringing within the first time we heard him sing it. Instead of it cutting off into a verse, this chorus smoothly transitions into what i guess you can call it the third pre chorus even tho there was no third verse. In this short, but impactful pre chorus, Lewis pleads and whales over and over “Let me go”. And of course like the sensitive dude I am, I most definitely cried the hardest during this part of the song. To end off with, we get a final chorus with what it sounds like to be a very powerful symphony of violin’s along side the other instruments from the beginning of the song. And in the last few seconds we get a complete absence of all other instruments besides the electric guitar and Lewis voice to capture the last and final words of the song and to create a very remeberbale last moment. Now did I tear up writing this, I sure as hell did. But did I cry out of sadness, NO. I cried out of pride and the personal growth I have conquered within myself through this song. Hope you guys enjoyed. Peace and love. Until next time.
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Hey Cherry.. can i make a little confession? So im 18 and im a virgin, never had a bf and never been touched before and like i do masturbate quite a lot.. but the thing is is that i never fingered myself and only tried putting a tampon in once but that failed.. point is ive never had something in me and im so scared of doing it idk what to do.. like i really wanna know how it feels and also wanna start using tampons but each time i try i just chicken out and end up on the verge of tears (wish i was joking).. any advice?
WELL FIRST OF ALL DONT CRY, WE'LL SORT THIS OUT
being a virgin and not having any dating experience at 18 is WAAAAY more common than you think. we tend to get quite caught up in what we dont have instead of what we do and so it just seems like everyone is in a relationship and fucking whenever youre single but NAH THATS FAR FROM THE TRUTH. especially at a younger age since I MEAN YOURE 18 YOU ARE BARELY LEGAL AND SO most of the things you thought you should be doing like having sex and stuff is actually more suited for people of a bit higher ages? LOOK, everyone matures in their own unique ways and some are ready to smash earlier on but theres a mental process that also goes into being in a relationship or being intimate that no one talks about and that needs some level of personal understanding of oneself in order to achieve,,, this just sounds like an essay rn BUT BEAR WITH ME
ok now for the tampons and the fingering. hmm,,, if you do want to try penetrative masturbation,,, is that even what its called,,, you just need to make sure that you are wet. like do not under any circumstance try to shove your fingers or anything else for that matter up your coochie without being lubricated or wet enough. it shouldnt hurt an excessive amount and,,, i mean this is different for everyone tho depending on how tight you are but try to loosen but a bit by a) being lubricated b) being comfortable, i would say that like,,, a middle finger,,, should,, be able to fit without any pain AND IM SAYING PAIN, you will feel a bit uncomfortable at first cause lmao at first i was like "w-h-how is this even,,, gonna,, make me cum?" and you wont have any massive orgasm,,, IF YOU EVEN ORGASM AT ALL,,, most people with vaginas cant orgasm vaginally, like the vast majority of vaginas cant,,, OR MAYBE NOT WITH FINGERS,, some can orgasm vaginally but with either a toy or a partner cause sexual experiences and preferences are so so so different from person to person.
as for the tampons,,, LIKE WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT TO START USING TAMPONS? is it cause you genuinely feel like it would be a more comfortable option for you and your lifestyle idk either you sport a lot or just hate the feeling of a wet pad or is it because of this whole "i need to prepare myself for when i lose my virginity" bullshit cause trust me,,, tampons do not prepare you for a dick. THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT FEELINGS MY BOO. im no expert in tampons,,, i barely use them myself cause idk,,, they uncomfortable (in my humble opinion) but im sure you can like lubricate the edges of it? but make sure that you apply a TIIIINY bit on the tip and thats its water soluble,,, u dont wan vaseline or anything giving you a nasty vaginal infection so,,, just reevaluate why you are taking the desicions you are taking? im sound very deep rn and this is already too long but why are you doing or thinking the way you do? is it curiosity? is it a will? or is it a society that has shaped your thoughs for you based on biases and expectations~?
#anon#Cherrymail🍒#also this is very long im so sorry aaaaaa-#but thank you for being so honest and sharing this i hope i help atleast somewhat-
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Neil Abraham Josten‘s Birth Chart Analysis
Neil is a never endingly entertaining character, to read about and analysis. As a self proclaimed astrologer I've taken up the task of reading some of Neil's birth charts to better understand our beautiful Junkie. This might seem like a waste of time to most people, including myself, but I have no life and I need divination intuition practice.
*Note: the information we were given about Neil’s birthday is he was born January 19, 1988 in either Alexandria, Virginia or Baltimore, Maryland. We do not know his time of birth so I can’t tell you his rising (If I had to guess: Aries?) or houses. I just go over his big 6 in this post. Nora if you see this… what time was Neil born?
Sun: Capricorn
Your sun sign is considered your core self, that’s why everyone knows their sun sign (and because it’s the easiest to calculate). Fundamentally Capricorn suns are defined by their need for structure. They are people who are very skilled and ambitious and focused on this material plain. For Neil this manifests as his fixation on Exy. When Capricorns want to be good at something they will stop at nothing to achieve this goal to the point of self destruction. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, planet of fortune, which basically means Capricorns are almost destined to go through some sort of great misfortune, normally involving money in some way. Neil's money problems are deadlier than most but it's classic with this sign. Similar to how your Moon sign represents your relationship with your mother, your sun represents your father. Fun fact about the deity Saturn or Kronos: He ate his children. Need I say more? Capricorn and daddy issues are basically synonyms. Capricorn's aren't necessarily social, mostly because their trauma leads them to avoiding people to protect themselves. They put their goals ahead of all else, including love and connection. Neil rather talks about Exy then sexuality. Some say this make’s capricorns boring but these people clearly have never met a capricorn. Capricorns might be rough around the edges, but in my experience they are great friends, even if they don’t realize it.
Moon: Aquarius
OH THE MOMMY ISSUES!!! So your moon represents your emotional self and your relationship with your mother... and Aquarius is ruled by Uranus or Ouranos in Greek myth. You thought Saturn/Kronos eating his kids was bad? URANUS SHOVED HIS CHILDREN BACK INTO HIS WIFES WOMB!!! I see this play out in how mother was highly disattached from him, leading him to respond to emotional situations in a disattached and uninteresting way. This is shown in how he grieves for Seth. Contrary to popular belief, Aquarius is an air sign, meaning they have the characteristic Air sign aversion to feeling feelings. They prefer to logic their way through situations and to use their coping mechanism to deal. Yes they have emotions but they don’t like to share them (‘iM FiNe”). In contrast with Neil's Capricorn sun Aquarius moon needs to be able to communicate. Not about feelings but about what they do like talking about what they enjoy. This leads to a personality that craves human connection but doesn't know how to ask for it. Aquarius moon people also don't really give a shit about labels. It's all semantics for them. Now here is my unpopular opinion: Aquarius placements are sarcastic and temperamental. I know I said they don’t really like to share their emotions, but I feel Anger in aquarius is a natural consequence of not sharing their emotions. TL;DR Aqaurius placements we know you use sarcasm to mask your feelings. Talk about it.
Mercury: Aquarius
So your Mercury is how you communicate with the world and your logical mind. again Aquarius is a logical air sign. These people are natural intelligence. Yes this does explain why Neil is good at math. He doesn't necessarily have to study to understand things as much as he can just get things from intuition. This explains his playstyle being largely intuitive and hard to explain how he knows things. Mercury in Aquarius people are active protagonists in their lives and do things to change the things in their lives (see him bringing together the team) as the humanitarians of the zodiac it comes naturally. Also going back to his capricorn sun mixed with his Aquarius in mercury means he physically cannot not talk about Exy and opening up about feeling’s is actually painful.
Venus: Pisces
BOTTOM!!! No but seriously, Your Venus is how you relate to people, the things you value, and your romantic endeavors. Pisces is something else really. Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac giving them a spiritual, almost not their quality. They don't like large groups typically prefer smaller social gatherings. When a Venus in Pisces love you they don't have boundary (you literally can't make this shit up it's literally the astrological embodiment of "It's always yes with you") they love you wholeheartedly and when it's just the two of you it's just two souls alone in an endless universe. If this sounds like an Andriel kiss scene then good because that's the vibe Pisces energy just gives off when they're MAKING YOUR DAMN HEART MELT WHAT THE HELL!!! So like most water signs THE SAVIOR COMPLEX IS REAL WITH THIS ONE!!! Neil values sacrifice and he rather be hurt then let someone else get hurt (*cough* running away to Evermore for Andrew *cough*). Pieces will see you as your best self and likes to imagine you as your best self (Kevin and Neil both want Andrew to achieve his full potential in Exy). Venus really likes it in Pisces so pisces people are wholehearted in how they love. Basically they will love you with their entire soul and it will feel like a real life pipe dream. The only thing that can shatter this is when the other person tries to sabotage themself and their highest potential. Pisces wants the best for everyone and it hurts them to see other people not reach their fullest self. This is why that scene in TKM where Neil felt really hurt after Andrew didn't want to celebrate after winning the game and belittled Exy ment to much. More mushy gushy stuff, they believe in true love. They don't need to talk in order to feel that love. They rather just feel your souls connect on a higher level.
Mars: Sagittarius
So your Mars is akin to your Id. It's base animalistic desires. The things that make you tick. Sagittarius being the mutable fire sign is more mellow than your leos or aries. Sagittarius likes experiences. They tend to travel a lot and enjoy travel and experiencing new things. This sign is known for having commitment issues (being ruled by Jupiter) and likes to run from shit. This placement hates people who don't practice what they preach and hates to feel like they're being talked down to. They really want to try new things with you, be it traveling to new places or trying stuff out in the bedroom. Speaking of which… I mean they will try anything once. Definitely adrenaline junkies. The sign most likely to be down for a threesome. Also associated with the hips and thighs so definitely an ass man
Damn that's really where i'm ending it. Here's his chart if you're curious...K bye
#all for the game#the foxhole court#neil josten#andrew minyard#happy birthday neil#andriel#books & libraries#astrology#birth chart#i have no life
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