#but they dont. dislike eachother either? and they respect eachother even if they dont always wanna admit it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

punkbxt · 10 months

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dime the takes. por favor.

*gets real close to the vending machine* quiero pepsi

okay all seriousness tho imma try to do this in a way thats like idk semi respectful towards janeway but i also need yall to know i do NOT reallyf fuck with her. idk if ive explained why before but i guess here we go

unlike most people that enjoy star trek i didnt really get into it till 2018 and then the demmy hit n i had nothing but time to consume every star trek imaginable and thats how i found voyager. yeah sure make fun of me for not knowing what star trek is but i need YALL to know that it is white and usamerican culture to be raised on trek and I DONT CARE. the only reason i got into star trek is bc a white friend introduced me. all this to say i was introduced to janeways actress through oitnb red ilu so much red best evil white lady <3

anyways i know janeway gets hate for having been the only lady captain and i always preface anything i say about her with this so yall understand that this is not the reason i dislike her but in reality it doesnt help either

also its tiring as fuck to include my opposing argument but it has to be done bc ppl are like “what about- pkay but you didnt consider how- yeah but- actually youre wrong bc-“ like fuck man im doing my damndest i literally hate voicing my opinions bc yall INSIST people of color dont actually get it n its tiring

if youve followed me since i started voyagerposting you may have noticed ive only actually drawn janeway twice and its cuz as a person she rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons

janeway gets put in this impossible position of being the top of the hierarchy pyramid to a crew that doesnt think theyll ever make it home again. shes deemed a mother figure by a LOT of characters but im gonna talk abt her dynamics with b’elanna, and seven because if i were to talk about the dynamics between janeway and harry thatd have to be its own post

when i get into a show, i loooveeee knowing what was happening behind the scenes because i love it!! i love set design i love character design i love costume design i love seeing what the actors are like outside of the show and how they feel about these characters bc these things ARE important. (writers too pero i have beef) behind the scenes is the biggest influence to the final product bc its the reason the final product exists in the first place and behind the scenes so many things went wrong. and when actors are mistreated or dont get along with eachother it becomes pretty apparent. well at least if you analyze things the way i do

so heres my issue with janeway seven and b’elanna. b’elanna is typecast to be the ugly character. klingons gave always gotten the short end of the stick and the case with her isnt as harsh bc her actress is a mixed puerto rican (information that has actually only recently been revealed bc when i tried to find out what roxan’s ethnicity was in 2019 i literally could not find anything definitive except for shes latina) but she STILL gets a lot of shit

one of my favorite things about voyager before the introduction of seven was how b’elanna and janeway actually got to bond a lot over science and when seven took on the roll of pretty girl on the ship, b’elanna and janeway suffered a LOT for it. we have an interesting dynamic between a maquis engineer and a federation captain genuinely not getting along bc b’elanna doesnt see janeways as an authority figure. not until chakotay has something to say about it and also until b’elanna and janeway actually talk about shit n get over their differences. the issue is when ppl purposely skip the earlier seasons to get to seven and then a lot of important interpersonal character building is missed I SAY THIS BC PEOPLE OFTEN FORGET THAT VOYAGER HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG BEFORE AND EVEN THE WRITERS LET IT SLIP THEUR MIND N ITS LIKE BRO U HAVE GOLD TO WRITE WITH N U JUST LET IT COLLECT IN THE CORNER

seven is a unique and interesting character when she is first introduced. seven looks like any other borg and is so COOL. and then immediately all the cool interesting things about the way seven looks is basically negated to a few shiny parts. and yes janeway is partly to blame

BUT! what is the easiest way to gain the trust of people who already have bad history with who you once were? assimilation of course! seven goes from being one of many to the outcasts outcast

but punkbxt! what does any of this have to do with why you dislike janeway as a character? if anything it sounds more like you dislike seven. as long as the character is white ill always hold a lil disdain for them in my heart <3

janeway symbolizes the best of starfleet. she is an accredited officer and an extremely capable scientist. she is a beautiful white woman in THE position of power something that was revolutionary for her time. the issues with white women being put in positions of power is they they have NEVER had the interests of black and brown people to heart. “yes they-“ SHUT UP and let me speak before you decide to comment on this goddamn post

feminism throughout the centuries has focused on white women and while a show is merely a fraction of the lived reality of its time the effects are still extremely clear. white feminism JUMPED at the character of janeway and celebrated her and rightfully so! the issues came about when women like b’elanna got attacked and pushed to the side. this directly affected janeway within fandom and she got and still is recognized for accomplishments SHE DID NOT DO. she got put on a pedestal and once that happens to a character they suddenly can do no wrong. except she does because shes a human and shes white and shes a character with writers behind her

b’elanna has never actually been a super popular character and the wave of love for her is actually pretty fucking recent and not to toot my own horn but i definitely was a big part of the b’elanna love resurgence. when i got into voyager and these dates ARE important, i used to scroll through her entire tag easily a couple times through a DAY. fans occasionally created art for her and yeah! she got fics but nowhere in comparison to her other peers. surrounding yourself with people who also love her and want to create for her does help with recognition of b’elanna but its super recent stuff. and to add onto that any white fan that has an opinion about her will always be biased because they just do not understand what it is like to exist as a latina woman of color

this is where me myself and i come into the story because wowowowowow star trek is so cool! star trek preaches on and on and on about diversity love acceptance hate oppression and all that good stuff so who wouldnt love it??? and then??? OMG THERES A LATINA CHARACTER IN ONE SERIES OMG OMG OMG. imagine my disappointment when i found out that she a main character barely was getting any love. it hurt. because even within a narrative of inclusion somehow characters of color just seem to always be pushed to the side. especially when a fandom has such a majority percentage of white people

watching her story was SO personal to me. i could see myself in her struggling with living in america. i lived my childhoods in puerto rico and in many different parts of usamerica, surrounded by family and people like me until that wasnt the case anymore. i spent my life living as a nomad with no place to call home for on average no less than a year and no more than three. i could understand b’elanna with her struggles of living in a klingon monastery and then being thrust into an unforgiving and unaccepting world where humans/white people are the most important. the internalized racism that i grew up with was horrendous and to this DAY i am still trying to learn and better myself and connect with my culture in any way i can. because in a black ans white world, where is the space for those of us that dont fall under either? we are ignored and erased and with b’elanna is has been the same

the rejection b’elanna had to her klingon side was something i could relate to incredibly. but it still isnt enough. because even though i could connect with her through her klingon-ness, her latinidad is simply a label. throughout the show you see her change and grow and assimilate to the federation standard and it HURT. the narrative that i was directly picking up from her story was yeah you can be a part of the club but only if you do it how we want you to do it. and dont you EVER even talk about being latino unless its to shit on your deadbeat of a father. and i did. i learned how to adapt at an extremely young age. ive been told its one of the things i do best (sad isnt it?)

and okay how do seven and janeway have anything to do with this? well they are the white women who we literally have to conform to and for. thats it period

seven as a character had an amazing opportunity to challenge gender and sexuality because of her story (one that would have been better suited had she been an indigenous woman which ive spoken on before but thats for another post too) and then the people in charge decided that she just HAD to be the sexywoman instead of leaning into just how much she was no longer human and how humanity itself doesnt actually have one right way to be

this narrative is given to us by janeway time and time and time again correcting seven and telling her that seven simply is not himan enough and still has to learn. (things autistic ppl can suuuuuper relate to which is a reason i could connect with seven at all). no matter how you want to look at it (whatever canon you want to decide isnt canon anymore for the sake of a fucking ship) janeway was directly written to be a mentor and mother figure to seven. janeway is there to help her learn when in reality she can never understand what its like to be an outcast within the federation and to take it a step further be part of a eace which is treated with hostility by humans. something b’elanna CAN understand and relate to because at the time of voyager shits still om the rocks between klingons and humans. janeway pushes seven to accept and embrace humanity as if thats the only option seven has to become a better character but its just not true. the story woven between janeway and seven is one of white women and femininity and how to be the perfect white woman and how to be a good lover. by actively ignoring the help and influence b’elanna could have provided for seven to learn and adapt to a majority human world they put all that weight on janeway. something that affects ALL three of them negatively and results in a narrative of “well b’elanna could never understand and relate to seven in a way that matters” which is beyond true because they are so interwoven even unintentionally so. it simply just wasnt taken further and its a true shame

and this isnt even touching on how badly seven’s actress was treated by janeways actress for being the pretty new doll at the time of filming and how that affected how i felt about janeway/seven as a ship (similarly how castle and beckett did not get along behind scenes i could no longer enjoy that show anymore)

i simplified this IMMENSELY and this shit is already long enough as it is so im sorry about that but yeah thats it. also sorry if things got repetitive ive been told i tend to do that when i write. these are my feelings and i am a real human behind this account so keep in mind how you react to this post. i have recieved countless hate anons most of which ive deleted throughout my short lived time as a fan of this franchise. i used to be MUCH more vocal about representation within star trek and people got mad so i left. but im back because the people that love b’elanna and that love that i have things to say about her matter so much fucking more than any angry person ever will

#to add a lil statistics to it b7 barely breaks 200 fics on ao3 and numbers like that classify them rarepair within a fandom as big as trek #AND I BARELY TOUCH ON THE SHIPPING ASPECT TOO LOL #b’elanna torres #seven of nine #captain janeway #star trek voyager

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blusheher · 9 months

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Might lose followers for this opinion

So- to me good healthy communication makes a relationship work- i think we can all agree on that- now for context- Im poly in a way- my boyfriend knows this and supports me- he's not poly- however- I've always made sure hes known when I have another partner, ive always told the other partner too- and both partners are always given the option to have contact- and always given the option for all 3 of us to date. Im never ashamed about it. I even tell him if Im going to see my family, if Im even going shopping or hanging out with my childhood best friend- not because I have to tell him but because I respect my boyfriend and I like him knowing where I am, it makes me feel safer and because communication is very important and can make or break a relationship.

Now for the opinion tht some people might hate- I dislike people that will claim to be poly then make it so either 1. The partners dont know abt eachother 2. the partners cant have contact with eachother. 3. The person lies when asked abt it and yells at the person asking.

The reason I dont like it is because it is disrespectful- manipulative- and controlling, and 1 and 3 is straight up cheating- its rude and to me not poly, its using people and its not ok-

#polyamory #polyamourous #my opinion #lgbtq community #lgbtqia #queer community #lgbtqplus

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pridewhatpride · 3 years

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ok so I read your view on GX rivalshipping and how things would get messy when johan shows up because I was curious about another GX rivalshippers opinion, and holy you and I have the EXACT same thoughts.

Ive went on and on about how manjoume as a rival (and as someone who could have had the ability to support judai) was tossed aside as soon as johan shows up + turned into the comedic relief chara and nobody ever really knows what the hell im talking about LOL. a big thing for me is just how DIFFERENT that would be for manjoume as well? in the seasons before johan shows up judai is so clingy towards him, always busting into his room and being in his personal space...

then mr. buff arms big smile shows up with his frilly lilac blouse and homo dragon and suddenly judai is like. smitten. which like youve pointed- out who could blame judai? johan is hard to hate and hes kind of perfect in every way. I always imagine what that would do to manjoumes self esteem in particular, because as we all know it IS a bit fragile at times, especially when it comes to being the best he can be.

I think having johan around would make him feel absolutely insignificant not only as someone who LIKES judai, but even just as judais friend. is he really so horrible at being a support that judai needs a stranger to lean on? even though he never asked for judais help much, is he really such a burden when he needs to be saved? why is judai acting like hes never been able to connect with manjoume, who can also see duel spirits, before? whoever said opposites attract obviously havent seen judai and johan! thoughts like that.

I could go on and on but I dont want you to have to read my 2746373 word long ask about them. id love to hear any thought or analysis you have on GX rivalshipping because its my favourite and the shippers are so rare, so I encourage you to post them whenever you feel like it!

Dear anon.

You can't ever know just how happy receiving this in my inbox made me. I can't fully express how grateful I am at the simple fact that you read my long rambles and reached out to me. I respect your anonimity if you want to keep it, but honestly, DM me whenever, if you want to. I think I'd like to talk to you if you're comfortable with it? I really do want to read your "2746373 word" essay on them. For the rest of my life.

I might get a little personal in terms of my view on this, so just... be aware.

The thing is that the way Manjoume is cast aside is just... a big fear of mine. "Sure, we might be friends now, but I'm not all that good and you know it. You won't mean any harm by it, but you'll find someone you like better and I'll be alone again." That kind of line of thought is probably something that goes through Manjoume's mind? He doesn't really... have friends outside of Judai. Maybe Fubuki. And Daichi? Except he disappears into nothingness very quickly. But that's it. And he certainly had none before that: just lackeys who pretended to like him because he was rich and perceived as promising. He lost that and suddenly found himself isolated.

It's nice to think that he bonded with the other members of the gang, but... he didn't. Shou certainly never really stops disliking/making fun of him. You could say it's meant as like... friendly teasing. But it doesn't read that way because there is nothing to indicate actual affection. Kenzan, Aster and the transfer students just... barely interact with him? Like have they actually ever spoken to eachother? I doubt it. Ryo is just the admirable upperclassman. Again, barely any interaction. Asuka is... a mess I don't want to get into, but again, she would probably file a restraining order if she could.

So yeah. Manjoume has one friend and the taller and cooler guy just kind of takes that away. Of course Johan is not aware of this! He wouldn't have been able to do much to change it, either way. It was Judai's own choice and that's what hurts the most, to me.

If shifting the focus and making minor changes to canon is something you like to do, here's a thing I think about a lot. "Teardrop", the Season 3 opening, except it's what Manjoume feels when seeing Judai's suffering and desperation. You know.

As you hang your head and smile, a single tear lands on your cheeks

You pretend to be strong, but underneath You’re hiding sighs; your smile is cloudy It sticks into me Like shattered glass

It’s OK to talk about the pain in your heart

Your smile Has always saved me You can cry now I’ll stay here with you

I can't bring myself to blame Judai or Johan for it, but I think Manjoume- if he'd been written like an actual character past a certain point- would have been quite devastated by this.

As you said, it's not just being abandoned, it's also being indirectly told that he was never truly someone worthwhile, that he is little more than extra weight. What of his supposed status of equal rival and all that? Nothing. Judai is just... on a different level than him. So Manjoume is simply left to stagger behind in a desperate attempt to chase after greatness. He wasn't good enough for his brothers and Judai stood up for him. But in the end he wasn't good enough for Judai either.

I like to think that Manjoume made an effort to get along with the others. He just didn't quite know how and couldn't just... switch off his more prideful persona. And he ended up paying quite the steep price.

I know I'm extra melodramatic when it comes to my favourites, but it's something that bugs me. I understand why the manga decided to approach Manjoume's character in a completely different way and it's the reason why I like to read Manjoume's personality as a mix of manga and anime canon. I really have to mention this- how can one even pretend that the writers gave a shit about Manjoume when they joked about how stinky he was in a scene that could have been... emotional in some way. Judai frees Manjoume from the influence of the Society of Light by reminding him who he really is (I don't want to talk about Kenzan being too strong to be manipulated because that is fucking stupid and besically the equivalent of saying "ahah, the light got you because you're not strong willed enough @ Asuka @ Manjoume. Get rekt"). And like... great! They are actually showing off how much they care for eachother as friends despite the rivalry! But no. Judai ends up basically saying: "You smell and your coat has stains on it!" and Manjoume's just: "Oh yeah, I'm goth I hate wearing white, nvm."

... I swear someone on the writing team looked at Manjoume and went: "Let's bully him!" Ugh ;; Can you tell I'm hyper biased towards Manjoume yet?

This was hilarious to read, by the way: "mr. buff arms big smile shows up with his frilly lilac blouse and homo dragon"

But yes, this mess is now officially over. I will be spouting gx rivalshipping nonsense left and right because we were robbed of their dynamic and I'll never get over that. Also I really want to draw them, so that helps.

Ending this post by saying that this ask made me feel like I didn't waste time writing all that, that someone can get something out of it. I'm really glad.

#ygo #yugioh #ygo gx #yugioh gx #manjoume jun #jun manjoume #chazz princeton #judai yuki #yuki judai #jaden yuki #gx rivalshipping #marry me platonically anon #i will kill for your happiness

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treefrog203 · 4 years

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Hi! I saw that your requests are open so I was wondering if you could maybe write relationship hcs for deidara and aoba? Thank you either way💕

OH OKAY UHH I CAN DO THESE HERE? IMMA DO THESE HERE HOPE YALL DONT MIND i’ve never had a request like this but i’m h y p e

deidara~

ok so boom babe? i feel he’s hella sweet but shh!!! don’t tell >:(

he enjoys spending time with you

ngl, he doesn’t mind some moments dragging out, bc they’re moments with you. plus, y’know that feeling where you spent 3 hours with someone but it felt like 15 mins? that happens all the time and it helps to make it feel more ephemeral. don’t call him out on this but it may be the one time he agrees with sasori’s style

big on quiet-together time. he’s energetic but explosives are tricky and requires a lot of focus. art too! if you can sit and read next to him or do your own thing while being in the same room, he’s very fond of that.

on the opposing side, if he’s not working on his art, you’ll have to gag him to get him to shut up.

is very interested in whatever you like! cooking? painting? jewelry? woodwork? a n y t h i n g. he’s gonna be hovering like a bee on a flower.

although he has his own likes and dislikes, he puts out what he doesn’t like in advance so hopefully both parties can avoid it if possible.

also very respectful of your boundaries but as he is young and inexperienced, he stumbles and falls over them sometimes but never intentionally.

i think he’d be understanding if you’re a quiet type, so long as you nod or acknowledge what he’s saying in some way. if you’re loud, i hope you have thick walls or no neighbors because there will be screaming matches just for the sake of who can scream louder. (it always ends with leaning against eachother, hoarse giggles, and passing a cup of water between you two)

um, you do have to be okay with or get accustomed to loud noises because when he’s experimenting there will be accidental explosions.

also, i hope you like a sport or two because deidara likes being outside

i’ve always been a sucker for this but i think dei would be the type to go hiking and plan a surprise picinic at the location (a waterfall or sum) maybe even camp the night and go skinny dipping together!

also, always fiddling with something. your hand, shirt, hair, you name it.

WOULD TOTALLY MAKE YOUR BACK POCKET HIS HAND’S NEW HOME. hand. on. the ass. 24/7.

cuddling? squeezing your butt

walking past him to grab something? smack on the ass

u get the point. i think he’s more a boob guy but your ass tends to be more accessible in public. also, i’m not sure if you have boobs but if you’re amab, please don’t think your chest will not be getting attention bc it will

he tends to gift a lot too. whether it’s something he made or found that reminded him of you

he’s not overly romantic? not because he doesn’t want to show he loves you, i think it’s more bc it radiates off him? i’m not sure how to explain it otherwise. instead of pouring his love into acts, it fills his aura and it’s thick, dark and almost palpable there’s so much. you can just be in the same room as him and feel his love.

idk if you want smexy canons but you didn’t ask and idk how to do under the cut things so yee 👉🏻👈🏻 imma stop here and start on aoba

aoba~

so tbh i don’t really a lot about his character so imma just base this off the vibes i remember from him

ok, high key, low key romantic. always doing small things like picking up for you after a long day or picking up your fave snack on his way home.

he isn’t afraid to go super high key and do like, petals on the bed and candles and stuff though if that’s what you like.

also, totally the type to make height jokes if you’re shorter than him. he just looks that way and it makes sense.

a gentleman but he’s never serious unless the situation is dire or literally requires the utmost of seriousness

he likes to kid, tease, and poke fun at you

if anything he says ever hurts you on accident, man will be down on his k n e e s hugging you and apologizing.

very good at picking up on little cues and knowing exactly what they mean

like, you tap your foot one too many times and he’s gonna pause the tv so you can go pee real quick he’s that observant

probably likes having his hair played with as well

uhh i’m outta juice here, not really sure what else to write about him,!i’m sorry! 🙈

i’m not sure if this is what you’re wanting or not but i hope it at least fulfilled a little bit!

#deidara #deidara x reader #naruto #naruto shippuden #aoba #aoba yamashiro #aoba yamashiro x reader #naruto x reader #akatsuki x reader #this is the most i’ve written in months i’m sorry if its subpar but i was excited!!

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my-apollo-gies · 3 years

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"Besides Solangelo, what are your top 10 ships and why? Which are your least favorite ships?" uh idk riordanverse ig?

I dont really have a specific order for riordanverse, so this is more of a general order, but you can kind of tell that the sooner I mention it the more I like it, although not always precisely (I'm awkward, sorry).

Recently I've become quite fond of Perachel, which'll probably bring up some controversy. Honestly, it's mainly to do with the fact that I think Percabeth is pretty toxic. I also ship Valdangelo, although technically I tend to lean more towards Soldezangelo, but it's quite hard to find stuff for such an obscure one, hence why in general, I tend to stick to Solangelo. Theyna's pretty popular for me, however we respect Reyna's sexuality (it would be kinda hypocritical for me not to) so that's completely romantic. In terms of Frazel, I think it's cute when Hazel is 15, but if she's her canon age, then that's a definite no- for obvious reasons. A bit of an obscure one but Sirisse (Clarisse and Silena). This is mainly because of the parallels to Patrochilles, which is definitely one of my favourite ships, although considering Patroclus isn't even mentioned in pjo (I don't think so, anyway), i decided it was probably not the best to include it. Yeah, tsoa is one of my favourite books, and if you haven't read it, I really would reccomend. Pipabeth has definitely got to be up there pretty high in the top ten too, although that may be heavily influenced by my dislike for both Percabeth and Jasper (the latter because I don't like that it's forced, although I'm not denying that Jason probably did like Piper). This one's certainly grown on me recently. Valgrace is okay. I like the dynamic, and would probably work in a different fandom, although, to me at least, Jason is as straight as a ruler. Reading Ella and Tyson together (I don't know if anyone knows their ship name?) was really cute for me, and I definitely wouldn't change it, although I did notice that Lavinia and Poison Oak were the only canon -or fanon for that matter- ship that involved a demigod with someone who wasn't a demigod (we don't speak of Pertemis). That made me a bit uncomfortable, although it might just be me, because it has parallels to real world racism. I do also ship Lavinia and Poison Oak, even though we don't ever see them together (I haven't actually finished tower of nero because I'm savouring it, so I could be wrong), I just think that what we've seen of them separately would definitely work well together.

Besides the obvious before mentioned ships and Thalico (just... no), I really don't like Caleo or Jercy at all. The first seems both rushed and toxic, and I really didn't like that it's only purpose was so Leo wasn't single. Also, I can definitely see Calypso just using Leo to get off of Ogygia then dumping him. I hate to say this, because I stan Leo, but I would much rather have had him killed (and probably kept Jason alive; it would've been a lot more emotional to be honest) than have them together. All they do is argue, and not in a joking or flirting way, either. I'm not very keen on Jercy, mainly because Jason and Percy barely put up with eachother, and only do because they both have to lead the rest of the seven. If they were to hold a lasting relationship, it would most definitely be toxic. I've already mentioned that I see Jason as straight, but if he had to be dating someone who wasn't a girl, I'd much rather take Valgrace. Also, ignoring Leo can be unintentionally racist, because it's just sort of like "oh, yeah, I'm gonna ignore a poc who would actually work in a relationship with him for a white boy he barely knows.".

Yeah, sorry for ranting a little; I don't get asks very often, so when I do, I get very excited.

#ask answered #honestly i didnt even mention how much i hate percico because ive probably already bored you to death #my bad #ask

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krpk-remaking · 6 years

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Dr Sex Epic Character - maxx @maxxeruz

Leorio Paladinight is easily one of the most underrated hxh characters, both within the fandom, merch and the manga itself, because he really is the most normal out of the main four and i really think he should be appreciated more because hes a great character!

Once again, shoutout to Mags @senritsus for helping with this! Go follow him!!

Im gonna be talking about Leorios Character, where his arc will go, and his connection with Kurapika. This is gonna be a little harder than writing Kurapika meta, since theres (sadly) a lot less Leorio content and we know a lot less about his background but ill try my best! Leorio deserves it.

Reading my Kurapika meta might make this a little more enjoyable, since i touched on Leorios and Kurapikas relationship more in depth there but you can read this post without reading it!

1 . Leorios Personality And His Past

When we first meet Leorio, hes introduced as a stupid, greedy and quick to anger Pervert, not an uncommon trope for a comedic relief character in anime. Those comedic relief characters often lack personality beyond that, a fact that is actually commented on by Kurapika.

But thanks to Kurapika, about seven chapters in, we learn more about Leorio and his motivations and as the manga goes on, it becomes obvious that there is way more to Leorio than just someone whos there for comedic relief.

Leorio grew up in (presumably extreme) poverty, loosing a friend due to their lack of money, motivating him to want to become a doctor whos able to help people for free.

"I'm a simple guy. Figured I'd become a doctor... so I could cure some kid with the same disease, tell his parents they owed me nothing! Me... A doctor! Now there's a joke!! Do you know how much it costs to even try to become a doctor? The mind boggles!! It's always about money! Always!! That's why I want it!"

Knowing this, Leorios character already gains a lot of depth. Sadly, the manga doesnt mention when exactly his friend died but the 2011 Anime follows the manga more closely so ill go with the fact that his friend died when they were younger. Most of Leorios actions can be explained with the guilt he feels over the death of his friend, how useless he often feels and the way his upbringing in poverty affected him, for example at the very beginning, the fight he picks with Kurapika stems from the fact that Kurapika didnt respect him and was acting as if he was better than him.

Leorio absolutely hates feeling like hes at a disadvantage, or like someone is looking down on him, probably due to getting little respect during his childhood due to his poverty. This also just might be the reason for him to constantly dress in a suit, something that rich, important people often wear. He often overplays his pride, puts up a facade and the way he presents himself really just screams overcompensation in so many ways

Here, he gets upset at Killua because he feels disadvantaged once again. This feeling of inferiority is often the reason for the fights Leorio has with Kurapika and in this instance Killua, he absolutely hates being looked down on. The Other reason he fights with someone early on is, because they dont value life in his eyes, for example the old woman who was asking them to choose between two human lives, toying with them per say, and not valuing them.

Leorio values human life, especially those of his friends over everything else and has a strong sense of Morality, since he did acknowledge he was in the wrong and apologized to the old lady.

When Hisoka was playing with the lives of the others during the hunter exam, as well as Leorios and his friends, Leorio got upset once again and, knowing just how powerful Hisoka was attacked him anyways with no regard for his safety.

He mentions “being toyed with” twice, something people do with people they look down on/are stronger than, where Leorios hate of feeling inferior once again comes back to show.

But, While Leorio absolutely hates being regarded worse than everyone, he also dislikes being viewed as someone whos better than everyone and gets very embarassed everytime someone compliments him/shows him positive attention. This is either due to the fact that he isnt used to it, or that he doesnt think he deserves it (note how hes always drawn with an embarassed blush).

Leorio is a very selfless man, whos ready to do everything in his power to help his friends because he doesnt want to ever lose another friend again. During the election arc, he focuses his entire speech around wanting to help Gon and uses his power to call for everyone to try and help Gon,

when Illumi manipulates Killua into killing during the hunter exam arc, Leorio is ready to give up his hunter licence for Killua,

And, being well aware of what Illumi was capable of, refused to let him through the door to protect Gon.

reassured Killua, showing his intense care for his friends (and little kids since Killua had actually not even been that nice to him),

When Killua had to fight against the serial killer, before they knew about his real strength, Leorio assured him that he wouldnt have to fight,

he willingly risked his life and let hundreds of snakes bite him just to warn Kurapika and Gon and to assure their chances of success, and before that tried to disband their team so they could still advance if he failed,

and, without any fear, they couldve sense that, stared down and yelled at the phantom troupe.

Leorio hates feeling useless and despite that, often does. He felt useless when his friend died and thus decided to become a doctor to cope with this guilt, he felt useless when Gon was sick, like his friend, and he couldnt do anything once again and he feels useless when Kurapika wont let him help him and wont let him reach out but despite that he keeps trying, to fight his guilt, to make sure that Kurapika is safe and to do his best to help.

He describes studying to become a doctor as something he does for himself, he doesnt see that notion, becoming a doctor to help people for free, as something selfless that should be admired.

He doesnt see becoming a doctor as something that he should brag with or that people should know. When he first meets Gon and Kurapika he puts up the front of wanting money to buy cars, mansions, wine, etc, all things one usually would want with money, when he really wanted the money to study so he could help people. Leorio thinks hes useless and good for nothing while everyone else fights and he just “selfishly” studies, but hes not useless at all and obviously studying to become a doctor to help the poor isnt something thats selfish at all. Maybe his motivations, to deal with his guilt over losing a friend, are a little selfish but the fact that he even blames himself and that he copes by trying to protect and value life wherever he can show that Leorio himself isnt a selfish person, hes someone whos ready to put his life on the line for his friends and others any day, despite being less reckless than the other three.

He sees Kurapikas quest for revenge as something noble, while he thinks very little of himself. Even during the election arc, after he had come into second and third place multiple times he was still convinced, somehow, that no one was gonna vote for him.

Even Ging a very experienced and talented hunter, though he is a terrible person, thinks highly of Leorio,

even copying the punch he threw at him, which Leorio, as Ging theorizes, mightve developed to get rid of tumors that are unreachable with operation, showing just how smart Leorio really is.

Leorio is someone whos been alone a lot and, while hes the least reckless and best at selfcare out of all four protagonists, had little regard for himself in especially the first arc, where he just kept jumping into dangerous situation. An explanation for that could be, that he had no one to care about and no one that cared about him before he went to take the hunter exam since weve never actually heard about any family he had or has. He could possibly be an orphan, explaining the missing mention of any family and the extreme attachment he has to Gon, Killua and Kurapika.

Him being orphaned would also perfectly fit into hunter x hunters theme of finding new family after losing another, Kurapika losing his entire clan, Gon losing his father, Killua losing his entire family except Alluka since his family is terrible and as good as dead to him and Leorio just never having really had one. So, the reason he becomes a little more responsible in arcs after the hunter exam is probably, that he finally had people to care about again, that also cared about him so now he doesnt feel like no one would miss him if he died anymore.

In short, Leorio, while being extremely selfless, caring, fearless, moral and empathic, thinks very little of himself and often feels useless and selfish. He cares most about the well being of his friends and has deep rooted feelings of guilt about the death of his friend, even though it was out of his control and he doesnt believe that his goal to be a doctor or really just he himself is deserving of any praise.

His wish to be a doctor is a mix of that extreme internalized guilt from “letting” his friend die, his selflessness that just got pushed up by the guilt and the empathy he gained by growing up in poverty and the first hand experience on why exactly free healthcare is needed.

2. Leorios Relationship With Kurapika, His Guilt, And How His Arc Could End

I wont go in depth about them here, since i already have one that multiple times but they truly are so, so important to eachother and are in many ways two sides of the same coin. Both of them have lost people close to them and theyve dealt with it in such different ways. It made Leorio want to protect life and heal people, focusing his nen around helping others (see: the punch he used being something he actually developed to deal with tumors) and it made Kurapika want to destroy life and kill people, taking revenge and destroying himself in the process, mirrored within his nen ability too (as it literally kills him to use emperor time, one hour of his life for every second). So this set-up, combined with the guilt Leorio feels over not being able to help his friend or Gon, combined with how important they are to eachother, combined with how the current arc has the both together on that boat, I feel like it would really make sense for Leorio to finally be able to save someone, furthering his character arc in a very satisfying way and also helping Kurapikas arc, letting him accept help from others and becoming less self destructive.

“Leorio is an unabashedly selfless character who very deliberately centered his life around helping others and the thought that he cant do that with Kurapika is definitely something he tries to take blame for.” (directly quoted from mags @senritsus <3) If something were to happen to Kurapika while Leorio is near and on top of that on doctor duty, where helping people is his only job, i couldnt imagine the guilt Leorio would feel. Hes always been looking out for Kurapika since they became close friends (and maybe the nearest thing to a best friend either had had in years) during the hunter exam and Kurapika did always try to be someone who calmed Leorio and helped him be more rational, though that changed when he began his down spiral after killing his first person and they drifted further apart and Leorio took on the job of calming down Kurapika.

Kurapika calming Leorio VS

Leorio calming Kurapika

Kurapika is in desperate need of saving and having Leorio be that person to save him would be so perfect for both of their arcs.

This arc already set up the tension in their relationship at the very beginning, or atleast before the succession war began and i do believe it has to be resolved (relatively) soon, especially because of this (once again my favorite) panel, showing Leorio as one of the four people Kurapika cares most about.

And, to quote my Kurapika meta post about this panel, Hes thinking about moments where they made him happy/made him care about them, Gon and Killua with their food fight in the park where they cheered him up and Leorio on the phone. Its him calling to check up on Kurapika. Kurapika really did appreciate it so much, even if he doesnt show it, even if he keeps pushing Leorio away. And he does care about them, even if he doesnt want to! The way Leorio expresses care for his friends, which is very vocal and direct, is so good for Kurapika because even if he still cant really believe or accept it, its still something he appreciates, somehow. I am not (!) saying that they will definitely end up with eachother but they are definitely incredibly important to the others character development and i dont think Togashi will forget about that.

If youve read all this, thank you so so much i really appreciate it! Leorio is an incredible Character that deserves more love and i hope everything i wrote here is coherrent!! If i made any mistakes or if you just have any thoughts youd like to share on this topic please send me an ask! <3

#i love leorio: the masterpost #strawberrymeta #leorio paladiknight #hxh #hunter x hunter #leopika

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ikwinsty-blog · 5 years

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Queer Arab Experience

FULL WORDS QUEER POC/ARAB PROJECT.

@antonss123 - There's no better time to be QTIPOC than it is to be RIGHT NOW. I am so proud and honoured to be a part of such a beautiful, free-spirited and loving community. I found my family away from family and I couldn't be any more content. I perform in these spaces and make it very clear that I am proud to be who I am and the message spreads across to everybody to believe in themselves and love themselves. If you ever feel that you are segregated; then DO MORE. SHOW YOUR CULTURE AND DONT BE AFRAID TO EXPRESS IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. There is no RIGHT or WRONG ; so just DO. 🌈🌹🦋

@nessuhifa - As soon as I understood the role I played in my life, I started spending the rest of my childhood and teen years, feeling cheated and angry for being 'chosen' as someone who is to live their entire life as a Gay and Black person, with a Muslim family. I very quickly as a child understood that the media I consumed, the society I lived in and the religious texts I read in the Mosque, all were telling me in different ways, that it's not ok to be who I am and in some cases told me, that it's not possible to be who I am (Which is low key mad, cos I'm literally right here...) It took years of self-doubt and self-hatred, for me to realise I could not continue living with this anger at the world and at myself and that it was slowly only killing me

So I changed, not my sexuality or race (bcos that's literally impossible...) but, I changed my outlook, I finally got to a place in my life where everything that defined me wasn't a negative factor in my life, that I could use these things to connect to the world better, that I was actually lucky that I was given these factors. I had to shut out and stop listening to all these mortals, telling other mortals how to live their own life, in order for me to find some peace in the chaos I was born in. In other words, I had to look inside myself, like my oldest friend and just trust the voice within- Yes, I'm ending this with Christina Aguilera lyrics because she truly made some points in that song.

@bilmian - Queer identity has always existed amongst the ummah, yet we allow unnecessary hatred towards a community who were created in God’s own divine vision. Being both muslim and queer has always been challenging growing up, battling with my inner demons whilst also trying to keep up with standards set for me before birth, gaining this balance of both peace and love was something I achieved in my early 20’s realising that God loves me for who I am, even if I am looked down upon by other so called muslims. I find it funny how being homosexual is haram yet people act like being homophobic isn’t, nowhere is the Qur’an does God preach about being hateful or phobic towards another minority. In fact the meaning of Islam is to love and respect one another, not to incite hatred.

When I first heard about Omar’s project I was intrigued to see how he would make this work without imitating other existing queer content out there, but from what I’ve seen Omar wants to add an aspect of futurism into his work, making a statement that this is the future, a tolerant and loving society towards everyone. When I wake up in the morning I don’t want to feel a heavy heart filled with anxiety and depression, living in constant fear of my Lord, worried that I won’t be truly loved, it’ll take some time but rather than being so hesitant towards each other this community needs to stand strong and support eachother, all of our brothers and sisters, of all colours, ethnicities, genders and sexualities, ensuring that we have a bright and positive future ahead of us.

@mossymugler - For the longest time I thought I had to be either Queer or Palestinian but never both at the same time. My mind couldn’t make the connection that Queerness alongside my Palestinian identity is a driving force in the face of liberation from Zionism. This I come to now realize, is a form of colonial control. As I look into the historical archives of the Arab and Muslim world I see how sexuality and gender fluidity were never an issue of conflict. It was completely normal and even celebrated to be queer.

The ottoman empire wrote legislation on this in 1858 recognizing queerness but it was only after British mandate law was instated in 1937, that it was criminalized and homophobic attitudes sprung thereafter. I blamed my “Muslim parents” or “Arab upbringing” for a lot of my self- hate, although that’s somewhat valid cuz it’s my experience, I realize now that they’re also victims of colonial trauma and need help unlearning colonial homophobic behavior. Being Queer and Palestinian has given me the tools to work on collective liberation for my people and I pride myself on my identity now more then ever before.

@metalfemme - As a queer + trans Muslim born in Pakistan and raised in the us post 9/11 and during the war on terror, I grew up feeling as if i had to pick and choose parts of my identity to express at certain times. I’ve always been hesitant about visibility and representation politics but learning about other queer and trans Muslims has helped me come into my own identity over the years.

As an artist, I feel that creating art has helped me bridge the false logic of dualism, which was built up through western enlightenment discourse and weaponised against queer Muslims via orientalism, capitalism, etc. Through experiencing and partaking in different forms of art, I have learned that I can simply exist within the vastness of myself. Also drawing upon theory and philosophy by scholars like Crenshaw, Marx, and Ahmed has helped me form the language to describe my material condition in this world. What id love to see is my peers putting in work and being critical of the ways

@mstfuh - The hostility I’ve faced oftentimes comes from the moments when I was hiding. It’s when I’ve been invisible, or unseen, that pain was most burdensome. I think these periods of hiding showed me the true colors of my communities and whom to stay away from, or whom I see light within. Being open with who I am and what I believe, surprisingly, hasn’t led to the isolation I anticipated when I was younger. I haven’t left my communities, but some have left me. I’ve carved space out in those hostile places I identified throughout my hiding, because I still derive great value and wisdom from the communities I was raised. And living my truth has taught me to leave parts of my communities that will never love me how I used to admire them. I think this is what it means to live your truth and be open. Living in honesty is not only facing the communities that’ve only known you in hiding, but it’s also choosing people and families within those communities that tend for you the ways you long for. It’s about holding firm space in a world that doesn’t want me to exist through a community that has existed alongside me for as long as I can remember.

@arabqueer - I never considered being gay a problem or a personal issue until people made me feel uncomfortable and insure about my same-sex desires. I developed attractions towards men around the age of 9, but it’s not until the age of 11 that I began to feel insecure about it. Why? Because around 11 I became more aware of people’s repulsiveness towards homosexuality. I wasn’t sure yet of the reasons, but I just knew that a lot more people than I imagined didn’t like or accept boys who are attracted to boys.

But it’s also the heteronormativity that played a huge impact on my insecurity: the lack of queer/gay representation in every aspect of society made me feel like an outsider. I was already getting teased on towards the end of primary school, but It only got worse when I left primary school and entered secondary school. For three years in a row after primary school I was bullied almost every single day for my femininity and my homosexuality. The strange thing is that I wasn’t actually out yet, but students just suspected I was gay because of my femininity. The secondary school i went was attended by many immigrant/brown students. There was another gay in the school but he was white. No one ever bullied him, at least not like me. For some reasons, being gay was worse for me bc I was brown. Almost like homosexuality/queerness is a western/white phenomenon. During those three years of bullying, I turned to my family to seek refuge from the hate I was getting at school but I realised at first that I was not gonna get any support from my relatives either. It was quickly made clear to me by my relatives that my homo desires were not compatible with my ethnic culture, with Islam, with my country of origin, and with my family’s values. This is an issue we face as Muslim/brown queers: we are told by our ethnic community that our sexuality isn’t compatible with our culture or with Islam, we are judged too “westernised” but when we turn to the western gay community we are judged too “ethnic” and we are asked to give up on our culture/religion bc it is deemed, again, incompatible with LBGTQ rights. Therefore, we feel like a misfit in both sides which leads to a struggle in identity. And so we, as brown/Muslim queers, face rejection by both our own ethnic community and the west’s white gay community. And so I isolated myself until i took the courage to come out to my mother. I had to accept my sexuality first before I could come out to my own mother. It was hard at first. She wasn’t evil towards me. She continued to give me all the love I deserved. But her hostility and dislike of my sexuality didn’t stem from hate or homophobia, it stemmed from fear. The fear that her son could be hurt or rejected for his desires. I did have to come out to my mother a second time, about 4 years after I first came out to her, in order to make sure we were on the same page. So in the end, it took my mom some time to fully accept the reality and she has definitely learned a lot from her son’s sexuality. In exchange, my mom taught me that Islam doesn’t speak of homosexuality. And so my mom brought me back to Islam when I was leaving it.

It’s now been approximately a decade since I first experienced same-sex attractions and it’s been an incredible journey. 7 years ago when I was bullied I would have never taught that I’d be where I am right now, comfortable with both my sexuality and my religion. I now stand up against any homophobe. But it required from me a lot of research about homosexuality in Islam and research about human sexuality thru cultures and time, it required me to accept myself first before I could expect anyone to accept me, it required me to challenge heteronormativity and masculinity vs femininity in my brain, it required me to grow thicker skin which I was able to get through those years of bullying, it required me to analyse and understand homophobes and why they are homophobic, it required me to move to my country of origin Morocco for two years (a Muslim nation that criminalises homosexuality) to finish high school. It required me all these things, critical and independent thinking, and more in order to be where I am right now embracing my queerness.

For brown and Muslim queers in the west I have feeling it will get better than it already is. I feel There’s more inclusivity and more unity as I see brown and Muslim queers engaging in conversations and taking the necessary actions to gain more representation both in the broader society and within the LGBTQ community itself. I see more brown and Muslim artists that are open about their sexuality, spaces such as clubs and even mosques that bring together brown queers. However there is still some work to be done. I still see a lot of toxic and racist orientalism coming from white gays and the wester media doesn’t publicly speak much of the persecution and oppression queers face in the non western world. But overall, in te west, we are on the right path.

In the non-western world there has been very little improvement. India and Angola are the only two countries who have recently decriminalised homosexuality. In Turkey the LGBTQ pride has been canceled for over 5 years in row now. I follow a page on Instagram which documents stories of LGBTQ individuals in the non-world and the persecution they face and it’s horrible. Shocking. There is still a lot of work to do for the liberation of brown and Muslim queers in the non-western world. For the situation to get better it will take time and a lot of effort. I’ve lived and studied in Morocco for over two years. I was able to interact with homophobes there and I know how they think and why. First the problem comes from the state, which mixes politics and religion. That’s a problem because as soon as you implement religion in the nation’s laws you are directly and inevitably imposing religious beliefs on an entire population. This blocks the way for freedom as you are already forcing a population to submit to a specific religion by its laws. A society cannot be free when it is being imposed laws from a specific religion. So in order for us to move forward, the mentalities must change. To change the mentalities, religion and state must be separate and that’s a first step. Second, education. People are uneducated about topics that cover human sexuality, gender, and identity because those topics are always considered taboo in a country ruled by religious laws. People are brainwashed with heteronormativity and ideas of masculinity vs femininity in countries like Morocco. I heard a lot of dumb and ignorant comments while I was in Morocco. For instance I’ve heard too many times people say that homosexuality will bring aids. This is pure ignorance and it’s part of the problem. Students and children are not taught in schools about sexuality and gender. They are not taught to question. Why is it that girls must act a certain way and boys a certain way? Why some colours are considered “feminine” and some “masculine”? If they could ask themselves these questions and do the research people would realise those are just social constructs which can be deconstructed. So we must find a way to deconstruct the social constructs that are already implemented in Muslim/brown nations and challenge them.

People are also not educated about their past. They don’t have much knowledge about the precolonial era. They don’t know that the west’s colonisation is the cause of all this heteronormativity and gender roles nonsense in the non-western world. People also don’t know the influence that Wahhabism has had on all this conservatism in the Islamic world as well as the misinterpretation and mistranslation of the Quran’s verses, which serves as a justification against LGBTQ people. India and Pakistan were one of the most sexually diverse societies before colonisation. The anti-gay laws in India and Pakistan were implemented by the British and people don’t know that, they don’t know their history before colonisation and the negative impacts that colonisation has had on sexuality and heteronormativity in colonial lands. The Ottoman Empire, and Islamic caliphate/empire, decriminalised homosexuality in the mid 19th century before most western nations. They even had homoerotic paintings. Just like Iran who had a century of homoerotic poetry during the Middle Ages. And I could tell you about a grey number of Muslim emperors who had male lovers instead of females and barely approached women. So I think if people also knew about concepts of sexuality and gender in precolonial era it could challenge today’s heteronormativity and ideas of masculinity vs femininity in the non western world.

@layskeet - Being a queer muslim arab is a conflict in itself, how do all those parts fall together into one being?

I hope that our intersectional identities can one day live in harmony accepted and understood by everyone.

I hope that we can destroy all the internalized hate and discrimination.

I hope that leaving our families for independence or compromising our happiness to meet our families expectations will no longer be the ultimatum.

I hope that we can all be our unapologetic complete self to everyone, anywhere, any time.

I hope that we can decolonize our minds from the colonized idealizations that have been fed to us. Idealizations and concepts that never resonated with our truth, existence, and ancestry.

@jamalozsoy - I haven’t came out to my parents yet. Simply because I don’t feel ready atm. Being gay is a heavy weight to carry in a Muslim household. But also in the society. I live in Paris and I sometimes feel pressured by white people (queer or not) to come out cuz “it’s okay 2 be gay”. This comes from the lack of acknowledgement they have of what it means to grow up gay in a Muslim family specially in the Parisian suburb where taboos are stronger

I think one should always be encouraged to come out (at some point) but it’s important not to rush anyone and to keep in mind that topics such as homosexuality and sexuality in general are very taboos in some communities. For the future I hope that my diaspora sis’ won’t suffer from this double-sided pressure. Only you get to decide when to come out

I’d like to ask for help from our Muslim sisters. They tend to be open-minded when it comes to homosexuality and having gay friends. I want them to share this acceptance with their Muslim boyfriends. Let’s all embrace each other inshallah

Also I think it’s very important that we (diaspora kids) learn more about the dark sides of our parents countries. I think some of us are too busy trying to idealise Arabic countries through arts and traditions without taking in account the difficulties of what it means to live there. And that is not fair to Arab queer individuals dealing with those issues on a daily basis. Let arab queer individuals speak for themselves.

@anwarbougroug - The oppression of the LGBTQI+ community in the Arab world is rooted in insecurity, toxic masculinity, gender roles and religion. I am so proud of my queer Arab friends that use themselves as a medium to push the boundaries on what it means to be queer and Arab. Showing that we’re a community, rather than individuals, not only makes us stronger as a whole, it also empowers non-conforming people to take the next step and be themselves fully. Representation is key in this battle for equality and human rights for the LGBTQI+ community.

@chrisnajimy - I hope more Arabs are able to incorporate queerness into their idea entities and daily lives, and stop isolating sexual or gender identity as an entity separate from what's presented publicly. In order for that to happen we need to feel safer. More progressive legislation has to be passed in the Arab states that still criminalize and punish queerness. Most of all, queer behavior and queer bodies have to be normalized within the culture - including diaspora. Because of so many intersections that come with being Arab and queer (i.e. religion, gender, class, skin tone), it's difficult to speak generally about a "queer Arab experience."

But In my predominantly westernized Lebanese-American family, queerness (of we few that are out) is virtually never discussed. The lack of acknowledgement isn't only discouraging, but harmful to the fight in creating a culture more welcoming/less fearful of queerness. Being visible can literally be dangerous even in states with more progressive legislation worldwide; but it is a fundamental goal to be allowed to comfortably live authentically as both Arab and Queer.

@actuallywill - Technology has turned societies across the globe a little more open and I'm would like to see more young people discussing queer points of view and supporting queer people openly and especially with our religious families/friends in whatever way we think appropriate. As a mixed black Muslim queer living in the west I think community is life changing but it's also really easy to fall into capitalism's trap of being vocal only for cultural capital under the white gaze, rather than meaningfully support our people.

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witchshork · 6 years

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Who I am

So discovering who you are as a person is hard if you're not a straight cis white dude which I'm not. I've been raised in a very femistic household, in the most positive way. My family always empowered me and my sister. We were always encouraged to form our own opinions. But there's one thing that I struggle with and that's that all members of my family are cis and straight.

I knew for a long time that "heterosexual' wasn't me. But not because of the 'hetero' that wasn't difficult for me to find "yeah no I dont care". But what I was struggling with for a long time was "sexual".

I never connected with my classmates over that one hot boy, or over several people talking about their first time. I always thought everything that had to do with sex was just either lies or way over dramatised. When I finally discovered that there were others who felt like me I had just started dating my first person.

I was so happy I had a word "Asexual". Later on I changed from bi-sexual to panromantic. I felt so happy.

So my family is sweet and loving but also super hetero. The only person who I had a nice coming out with was my mother. I told after I broke up with my first person. She told me "I'm glad you found something that makes you feel comfortable." but in the same breath she talked to me how I could change and she wished that I didn't dislike or shame myself if I ever changed. So it wasn't a sort of "it's just a phase or you haven't met the tge right person thing" she just knew about my history of self hatred and didn't want me to go back.

But the rest of my family don't know, I mean they do but they don't. If you'd ask them what I was they'd probably say "bi". It's frustrating.

And now I've discovered something more. I've been thinking for so long. But again it's not something people will get. It won't change anything. And then there's the gate-keeping and general problems when you're not fitting neatly into a well known box.

So I've never thought that female was wrong for me. I've never thought that I'm not a girl, but I've also thought how I don't like to think of myself as a male either. Case closed, is probably what my family thinks or others.

I've said to others whom I treasure that I wouldn't call myself trans, because I respect and want to support everyone who's not accepted by society, I'm there with you. I'm an ace-pan on the autistic spectrum people have been ignoring me and treating me like I'm a lesser since I was small. I don't want anyone to feel like who they are is wrong. I hate the idea that trans people have to pass. And that's exactly why I've always just been like "my feelings aren't important"

I met a non-binary person last year, they became my best friend and roommate. I love them so much. And slowly the knot in my chest was loosening. I talked to them of how I was dsgusted with my chest. I've had this for a long time but always talked it down like "my hatred of my chest obviously isn't as bad as (other trans men/ non-binary people I know who have chest disphoria) because I was scared. I'm not saying that anyone's feelings about anything measure up to eachother. Measuring ypur feelings against others is just wrong. I was invalidating myself. That's not a good thing to do.

I discovered that I would like to use "they" as well as "she" but it's not like I can tell my family. Not that I'm scared, it's more like it would not make a difference to them. I'm still a girl and I'm not a boy so this doesn't change anything and they'd probably go like "what even is that" at me like they said when i came out as asexual.

So I don't want to put a box around me, though I like 'demi-girl' or bi-gender. I've been wishing for years to have a flat chest, and I've liked it when people mistook my gender. I liked that I confused others. That they couldn't bunch me in a box.

But to the people i love the most there's no point in telling them.

I absolutely hate the idea of a beard in my face (because of cosplay) I hate the idea. I have cosplayed both gandalf and cullen Rutherford and I just will not glue a beard to my face or paint it on me.

So I guess this was to say. I won't say I'm trans. But I'm also not cis.

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btsxlami · 7 years

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Why Namjoon isnt accepted in the krap scene (and why thats a good thing)

unpopular opinion and confession

*****im not saying all krappers are like this btw chill ur dick

***also butthurt ppl dont come at me saying YEAH YOONGI TOO bc i shall make a post about him too i didnt forget about yall, always coming into namjoon rap posts and making it about yoongi

****My intention of this post is not to diss your faves or rappers in general. This isn’t a post that has the intention of throwing shade I am simply expressing my respect for an artist.

I never really respected a lot of k-rappers. I do like some songs because they have a good beat but respect is something that an artist should earn. I respect rappers and groups like epik high, verbal jint, and tiger jk for influencing the krap scene for the good.

I wont touch on american rap but the krap scene is so generalized. Like hey have fake gold chains and a bunch of girls while I rap about shit that doesnt make people feel better about themselves with lyrics that i didnt even write. Many generalize culture, rap about degrading others, and you know all that shit. But let me tell you: RAP stands for RHYTHM AND POETRY.

POETRY

Listen anyone can have their different perspective on poetry and maybe to someone “squad shit it g ma” is the most well thought out poetic verse that they have heard.

But rapping all started when people were in pain, when people were in dark time period in life and spilling out their feelings through rhyme made them feel better and got them out of trouble. I`m not saying you need a depressing life story to be a rapper (you dont need a chicken to recognize an egg) but rapping is way more than some beats and a snapback, its a coping mechanism, maybe not always for the artist but definitely the audience.

I sound so old when I`m saying this but rapping isnt just talking fast, its a lengthy process of finding strong and meaningful word play, to beats and rhythms which compliment eachother which is then it put together in one song almost like a prayer.

and don`t come at me with the WELL I LIKE HOW IT SOUNDS, because these days i swear to god ANYONE CAN BE A RAPPER, and thats how it shouldnt be.

They get others to write songs for them, songs usually have no smart wordplay or meaning and just talk in slightly faster pace. (i definitely find rap flow and speed a plus point in rapping).

Rappers who arents even all that shit get praised and recieve so much attention and go on judging others just bc their not AS famous.

(random thought i really dislike smtm) Rapping isnt a childsplay. Common korean rap communities like smtm etc are extremely trashy to me.

In 2015 during bangtan`s vacation Namjoon released his first mixtape (legendary) which proved his ability to write lyrics in both english and korean, write lyrics about depression happiness life hope etc, he made a damn song DISSING rappers who only have flow and lyrics that don`t make sense AND SPAT BARS SO FAST IM LIKE BOI BREATH, he teamed up with a western artist and recieVED EXTREME APPRECIATION IN THE AMERICAN RAP SCENE.

If you don`t know he started rapping at 13 because he was going through a really low point in his life. He then started writing HIS OWN lyrics about his feelings and educated himself in hip hop and rap culture (he listened to a lot of nas and tupac what a man). He then joined an underground rap team which he gained skills like free-styling and flow (BOY CAN RAP SO FAST BRUH). But definitely his raps are extremely smart. He uses so much worldplay their almost like a riddle you need to figure out. Not only that he can rhyme and compose and has the qualities of a true rapper who IS PASSIONATE ABOUT MUSIC HE LET DOWN HIS FAMILY TO BE A RAPPER DESPITE HAVING SO MUCH GRADES

AND EVEN AFTER ALL THAT HE GETS DISSED IN THE KRAP COM-

Like when someone would think of k-rapper they would think Zico, Gd maybe, Jay Park, Dok2 (and if you are fans of common krappers thats okay) but I honestly feel as if rappers like them are so common. To me they don`t show anything exceptional. Its like comparing Eminem with Lil yatchy (you can like either and thats okay) but Eminem did his own thing with no influence from the stereotypical culture. In shows like SMTM or unpretty rapstar you definitely see the rap community come together and Im like boi why isnt joon there he can own yall asses.

Namjoon however is on a whole different level. He does in own thing without the influence of popular culture (which refers to his message in his song DO YOU). He raps about things that are special TO HIMSELF and doesnt care about others opinions. He never thinks about what others might think of his song or what he should do to catch the attention of the audience. He does what he likes to do and goes with HIS gut.

Namjoon is a special snowflake and I dont want him to be thrown in the *oh look another korean rapper lets put him in smtm and not let them grow as an artist* pile bc I feel as if thatll take away his authenticity.

I`m kinda happy that Namjoon doesnt associate himself with common rappers because he is way better than that. He strives to collab with artists of his choice, his taste, and doesnt go for popular or common people.

Like you know what I`m trying to say. Imagine an exceptional student who isnt really popular among the folks. and all the students who get like c`s or b`s are extremely praised and popular.

Don`t get me wrong despite getting SO MANY opportunities like 4 features in official songs from other groups (one being korean hip hop legends MFBTY), being in the 4 things show , performing at multiple festivals individually,etc. I really don`t feel as if he reached the legendary rap title yet. He definitely was close to being “part” of the community as in 2014-2015 his rap career was highly active but is on the low now as a individual.

I appreciate Bangtan as a group and all the contributions of all 7 members but since BTS is a group who produces their own music, one member can`t just go off making MVs while their writers do the job for their (cough cough, bts dont got writers they got mean namjoon) I know he is busy writing for bangtan, producing beats, and a whole lot of shit for the group and he is happy with doing that but that also takes away time from doing his solo rap career AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT.

He doesnt care of not being able to produce music all the time to the likings of krappers. He cares about Bangtan. He knows his potential and doesnt need to highly promote in order to prove his worthiness. He can promote small mixtapes or covers for his armys and he is content with that. His intention isnt to get famous, as he always says: i do this for the music not the fame.

He does his own thing and doesnt worry about the drama. He is too good for them. Someone who is beyond expectations doesn’t mingle with people who are popular. They dont worry about irrelevants. They just keep on focusing on themselves and how to grow.

I can`t wait to see him become so well known as a rapper (he already is so high up in his journey) that everyone who looked down on him now want to be him.

Namjoon is a person who expressed that their isnt a right wrong with hip hop just passion

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championfroggy4 · 6 years

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You are enough, you think you aren't enough. I have to work on calming down and relaxing. This fear and trauma, it looms disheartening on Jordan's end because he does love me but I can't see it. Maybe he's loosing confidence that that could work because it's really sad to watch and it brings down his self esteem. Everytime I try to cut the cord off when I don't see my worth. I need to trust him. And his love too.

Work on when coming with a complaint, give a proper immediate solution on how he can appropriately fix the behavior so he's not dumbfounded and angry and continues to do ir. Also, explain why this bothered me instead of jumping to the next topic. Jordan does cut me off, but I should not cut HIM off. It's the polite thing to do and he does not mean harm. He wants to help, he just doesn't know how.

Jordan is a naturally quiet defensive guy. Cutting people off sentences is no it meant to be rude, but it's because he doesn't want to loose his train of thought according to him last night. Work on not getting the wrong idea even if it does hurt. He only wants what's best for us.

Keep talk about his family to a minimum. He says he can handle it because he's a big boy but he really has a lot of pain about it. Don't continue even when he says he's ok. Let him come to me about that. Let him open up about his family like him being the only one with a high school diploma. He told me that on his own. If he doesn't want to talk, reassure that I'm in no rush to know and we don't even ever have to talk about it when we hang out together. I might never know about the pain of what he's been through, but that's ok. I'm not searching through his horrible past. I'm trying to be a good supportive girlfriend.

Don't add feelings to his mouth. Really hates when someone says how he feels. Mom did that to him all the time.

It seems to me, with both of us, we are hitting a wall. Where he is defensive, I am constantly offensive. The more I act offensive, the more he's going to be defensive. I can't help it though. That's how I protect myself. But if I want to let Jordan in, I have to learn to put down the knife of assumptions and conclusion drawings and give him moments to speak. Be angry, whatever he needs. Even if he has nothing on his mind or nothing to say. Fill the gaps with endless amount of love and affection. He really likes that. And respect his complaints. Listen to them. And try to fix the problem in a way I think would be beneficial for his comfort. If he has a problem he has always told me straight up, so I have no doubt if the problem is in continuation I should hear it again in a much more annoyed and angry you didn't fix this tone.

Now this one I don't understand a lot.. but I need to keep note about and my eye on and try to respect it. Long periods of silence on the phone. He hates it and said it was agonizing and his pitch got faster and he was extremely extremely defensive and JUDT ACCEPT IT AS IT IS I DON'T LIKE IT tone. He didnt want to pushed into a cconversation about it. He definatey didnt seem receptive when I asked questions so I could get a better understanding and fix. I don't want to have to solve this puzzle as to why silence breaks him, but I think it's because he got hurt that he needs to fix that on his own and he wants to fix that on his own. REALLY REALLY BADLY. Jordan noted he likes the super clingyness. Maybe someone left that he loved out of his life and ended in complete silence. I am a very clingy girl. It makes him upset too. And the thoughts swarm. I think he worries. It's very painful. Although I don't know the initial reason why he dislikes it, I think even though he puts that barrier of "I just don't like it cait!" It will unfold for myself gradually throughout time and understanding. Hopefully, if I can open up to him more and this addiction progresses, we can reach a point where we both understand eachother and accept eachother. Jordan's always been a very kind understanding person. I think it's much harder for him when he has feelings for a girl. Because he doesn't know to outcome. And that is nerve racking. He just needs to know now immediately. We both struggle with that. Although, this is my perception of what I think he's doing and why he's behaving like so. It could be wrong, and if so.. we change it and hopefully he'll open himself to the real reason why and then I don't have to ask questions about it.

I was thinking about that^ and then I was thinking about our beginning phone calls. When we would be listening to music and not talking or whatever. What makes it now not okay? Is it because I'm his girlfriend and he does hold an immense amount feelings that he wants this behavior to change because it's different Now? Maybe its hard for him to admit that he has feelings for me and its paintul for him to love again or feel like he can have a successful relationship with a girl he loves? I know he doesnt want to bail or quit this. So work on being particular wirh not cutting off the relationship when hes opening up his opinions and feelings. I need to love him for him also. And that leads to him bottling up and leaving. Either way. Don't leave endless amounts of silence on a phone call. Not trying to daggars his mind, but trying to give hope for him while he has a friend. He feels alone. All the time. So I need to do my best to make him feel welcomed.

Jordan can be confidence, but his self esteem is low. Very very low. He puts himself down as much as I do, but in a different format. In his head. Silently. Not to say I dont do that too, but I have bottled it up so bad, that even when I do talk about my pain it still makes me feel alone .. or worse. I told him I was ashamed to opening up to him. What he doesnt know is for a long period of time I was hit for opening up my feelings. It is sad that I cant see he loves me sometimes. My fear is that being who i am might be too sad, or scary that he will close himself off for good. But even if that happens i still give him space, forgiveness and love. Although the space is nice for him, I should continue to give him compliments and love and good mornings and good night's and I'm thinking about you texts. Just so he is still at a clear understanding that he is loved and he does have talents. He says he doesn't need it, but he does. I bet you he really likes hearing it. It's just hard for him to accept of take in. So I'll keep doing it. Sit it gets worse I'll hit down but I'm not giving up on him. He's like me. With compliments. He can't see it for himself that he's an awesome guy. Even though he says he is. That's why I believe I can be the one to do this. I'm someone he has feelings for. And I can reach a bridge and give him hope that he is an amazing guy and he does have incredible things. Because he is. I'm in love with him.

My goal is to gain enough trust he feels comfortable enough to NOT act like he has to protect himself from me or my words and he can love me for me in silence. Just like after sex when we both stared into eachothers eyes in silence but he had Netflix in the back. He knew it was ok. That was love.

And lastly, try to wiggle different areas of conversation or topics. Jordan wants to talk sometimes. And he's annoyed when I repeat myself. I can't remember everything that I say because of being in the er.. So that's why jotting down is essential. If I open myself more, like telling him I used to sing. He will slowly open up to. Try doing hobbies or art or whatever. He can't appreciate it now in the moment, but when looking back months down the line he can say oh well cait and I discussed about choir and snowboarding.. instead of cait came to rant to me about her problems today. It's ok to have problems. But write them on Tumblr first. I don't think Jordan is fully healed enough to handle them at this moment. But in time he will be. I know it. I believe in him

Money. He closed off with me and money. Wants to do it himself. Feels uncomfortable. Don't push him with that. Trust him, it's his wallet.

Words. He attaches himself to the way I speak. Glueing to words and then cutting me off with defense. For example. I will say

"Your a responsibility Jordan. Technically you are still my boyfriend"

Jordan will look at that word technically and get VERY guarded by that and take it the wrong direction. Use specific words and read more books. Talk to him more and be very choosy with the phrases I say. It could help give him some relief

That is what I need to work on. It's a lot of dirt. But I couldn't be happier knowing it. This was the most open I ever heard Jordan. I'm really really proud of him.

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