#but we turn around and use this same reasoning to label REAL PEOPLE (i can excuse fictional characters) but with real people online

[wordstome]

now that we don't talk

I cannot be your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost And what it cost Now that we don't talk

alpha colonel König x beta ex-lover reader

2nd person, no y/n, she/her pronouns, reader's callsign is Eden, reader speaks French, omegaverse, exes to lovers, fraternization

2.2k words

tw: none

I swear to God one day I'll write something that doesn't involve that big hooded freak. But today is not that day.

Shoutout to loganlermanstanaccount here on Tumblr, who I won't tag. The bullet point headcanons with written parts interspersed format is from their excellent college roommate Miguel O'Hara post, which became their fic Rigor Mortis. I highly recommend both!

Also, excuse the absolutely butchered military content. I'm sure none of this is how it works in real life, but alas, this is fanfiction, not a research paper. Reader serves a Laswell-like role, but I refrained from labeling her as CIA even though I do call her a station chief. For the purposes of this fic, she's the voice in the operatives' ear during ops. We're playing a bit fast and loose with the terminology here.

You’re a highly skilled intelligence agent and operative handler.

You’ve spent most of your life dedicated to your career: moving through the ranks, proving yourself, refusing to let anything stand in the way of your ambitions.

You’ve done some things you aren’t proud of, but always for the right reason. Or the reason that made the most cold, logical sense. Even when your heart tells you otherwise. Nobody in this line of work has clean hands, after all.

You’ve always done what needs to be done. For everyone’s best interest.

Today marks the first day of your collaboration with a PMC called KorTac. You’re hunting down a homegrown cult turned out-of-control terrorist cell.

You haven’t had much experience working with mercenaries, but in terms of hardened war criminals, KorTac’s people are quite well mannered.

Not that you had expected them to be rude and discourteous, but, well. You are an outsider. They haven’t necessarily embraced you, but their reception was nice enough.

You’ve got a meeting with their commander, but you can’t quite find the room you’re supposed to be meeting in. Not a great first impression to make, but luckily, someone takes pity on you.

He introduces himself. Korean. Callsign Horangi.

“You’ll get used to the layout of the base,” he says as you follow him through winding hallways.

“I hope so,” you reply. “I’ll be here for a while." You study the walls, the signs and numbers on the doors, trying your best to memorize everything.

"Do you know your commander well?" you ask. You're not the world's biggest fan of small talk, but you may as well know what you're walking into.

"König? Yeah, we've been close ever since he joined up." Horangi says, leading you into a long hallway. "He's a good guy. A little intense, but don't let that get to you. He's just getting the job done."

"We'll get along if he's competent." You can respect a man who forgoes pleasantries for making sure the shit gets shoveled.

"You don't have to worry about that." Horangi stops and holds the door open for you. "After you."

You study him for just a moment before entering the room. He's curt and to the point. Not bad-looking, either. Hopefully you'll get more chances to—

Your heart nearly stops.

KorTac's commander is facing away from the doorway, shuffling through some papers by the looks of it. But you would know him from any angle. The set of his shoulders, the way his stance is at ease but never truly relaxed, the way his hair curls at the nape of his neck.

You have to force yourself to step into the room. And when you do, he turns around.

You're vaguely aware of Horangi stepping around you to get into the room, but that's happening somewhere far away from the headspace you occupy right now. By the way König's eyes widen as they meet yours, he's in the same place too.

He hasn't aged so much as he's gotten more tired. He never did sleep enough, but now he looks like he hasn't gotten a sound night's rest in a long time. He's put-together, but there's a haggardness to him that probably wouldn't be noticeable to anybody but you. Someone who knew him when he was younger, and in the prime of his life. Someone who used to know every scar on his body, every crease of his brow, and now hasn't seen him in more than a decade.

The man who broke your heart stands on the other end of the room, staring at you as if he's seen a ghost.

The two of you stand there for a while before Horangi's voice shakes you back to reality. "Brought the station chief, sir."

"I...see." König—you suppose that's what he calls himself nowadays, the arrogant prick—clears his throat. "Thank you, Hong-jin."

"No problem." Horangi takes a seat. "The others will be in soon."

Horangi seems like a perceptive enough guy. Can he tell that the room feels several degrees colder? You pull a chair out, the furthest one from König's position possible, and ignore the hurt that briefly flashes across his face as you sit down.

The meeting goes well. It's just an opportunity for you to formally introduce yourself to the KorTac operators you'll primarily be working with for the next few months.

You can tell they're a close knit group by the easy way they interact with each other: they've worked together for a while.

König, too, is part of them, which must be how they pick up on the chilly dynamic between the two of you. Some of them are just puzzled. For most of them, it raises their hackles.

It doesn't matter to you. You can barely focus on getting through the meeting without feeling like you're going to faint.

It's absurd. You're not some delicate Regency-era lady. You're a hardened military officer. But it makes no difference.

It doesn't matter how long it's been, it seems. He's still the only one who can make you feel like this.

You can't get out of there fast enough after the meeting has concluded. Not only are the others shooting you suspicious looks, but you've spent too long in his presence. Any longer, and you don't know how you're going to keep your composure.

But you can't escape him. Of course not. Why did you ever think otherwise? You hear him call for you, and you walk faster. But it's futile.

This hallway is smaller, narrower, less open. Nobody's around to watch when he slams you against the wall to stop your hasty retreat. Nobody's around to see the way you sway in his hold, overwhelmed by the smell of him all around you. You're bathed in it, the overpowering presence of him.

"We need to talk." he demands.

"We just did. Meeting's over," you shoot back, making a paltry attempt to wriggle out of his grasp. He loosens his hold on you, but you're still trapped between him and the wall. No exit.

"I didn't plan this, in case you're wondering."

"That much was obvious." He's let his hair grow out longer, you notice at the most inopportune time possible. It suits him, you think.

He sighs in frustration. "If we're going to work together, we have to be civil."

"Don't worry. I wouldn't expose how much of a scoundrel you are in front of your precious squad," you bite.

You feel a twinge of smug satisfaction as regret settles into his expression. Too little, too late.

"I don't want it to be like this, either," he murmurs. "Ignoring and avoiding each other."

"You don't get to tell me how to act."

"You're right. But it's been a long time. Can't we try to get along? Not for my sake, but...yours."

"Well that's not condescending at all."

"That's not what I meant. I know my team. If you're walking around resenting me openly like that, they won't trust you. And they need to, if you're working with us."

He's right, and you know it. But there's that deep instinct inside you, older than your bloodline, waking up after a long slumber. It wants him, snapping at the bit to give into him and do whatever he asks of you. The urge will consume you if you don't fight it every step of the way.

You glare up at him, hoping you come off as brimming with resentment instead of desire. "As long as you and your team stay professional, I can too."

He's not satisfied with that answer, but it's all you're going to give him.

"Fine." He steps away from you, and you pour all your willpower into commanding your body to stay still. To not chase after his closeness. You sway on the spot, dizzy with his scent after having gone so long without it.

"This hallway is a dead end, by the way."

You try, you really do. But it's hard to be around him without feeling the urge to touch him, to press yourself against him and inhale him like the most destructive drug possible.

Your only recourse is to stay as physically far away from him as possible.

You do your best to ingratiate yourself with the other operators. You and Calisto are fast friends: she's got a breezy confidence to her that's quite refreshing. It also doesn't hurt that you speak French, as well. There's a bit of kinship felt whenever the two of you are holding a conversation none of the others can understand.

Horangi's a different story, though. The initial courtesy he showed you is a bit more clipped, now that it's clear something is up between you and König.

You can't believe you missed it the first time, the way König's smell is all over him. It really has been too long.

The two of them must be pretty close. You give up trying not to fixate on the idea.

You didn't mean to eavesdrop on them, but you were curious. Even more curious when you hear your name mentioned.

"It's pretty clear you and Eden know each other. None of us are stupid."

You freeze in your tracks. The door is closed, but you can hear Horangi's voice, loud and clear in the room behind it.

"It's not relevant. She's just here to do a job."

"I think it's pretty relevant that she gets up and leaves whenever you enter a room, regardless of what she's doing. She can't get away from you fast enough."

You give a surreptitious look at your surroundings, then lean down slightly, pressing your ear to the door.

"You're not going to give this up, are you?"

"Hell fucking no."

You hear König sigh. "Fine. We knew each other before I joined KorTac. Back when I was in the Jagdkommando."

Do you want to hear this? Your painful history, relayed to a near stranger? Horangi's not a stranger to him, that's for sure.

"And?"

"We were...involved."

"You and a beta? Never took you for the type."

"Well, neither did I. But she was...special. Smart, pretty, deadeye with a knife. Wouldn't give me the time of day, of course. I was obsessed with her."

"Naturally."

"Give me a fucking break, okay?"

"Can't wait to hear how this ended."

"Not...great. I was a total dick."

You can say that again, you think.

"I was young. Real dumbass who thought he was hot shit."

"You still aren't."

"Shut the fuck up." Something twinges inside you at the hearty laughter the two of them share. You missed that laugh.

"Despite everything, it was the most stable relationship I've ever been in. We looked out for each other. She knew me better than some of my family does."

"How did you fuck that up, then?"

"I got too comfortable. Started thinking I could do better. God, what a fucking idiot I was. I loved her like crazy, but I didn't realize how good I had it until it was gone."

"She left you?"

"No. I was the one who ended things. In the worst way possible, too. I told her the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere, that we were never going to be a serious thing."

"Ouch. Why not?"

You squeeze your eyes shut. You remember that night, like a shard of glass buried in your chest. As hard as you tried to forget, you'll never forget the way you felt. Like the world was ending.

You'll never forget the decision you had to make.

"I told her I couldn't see myself with a beta long-term."

"...that's fucked up."

"I know. I know. I was too caught up in that shitty macho alpha mindset. I was fucking ravenous back then, and I thought only an omega could give me what I needed."

"I get it now. If I were her, I would have quit on the spot seeing you in that meeting room."

"Yeah. She's a better person than I can ever imagine being."

Well. It's nice to know he regrets it, you think. Not that it does you much good now. Quiet as a mouse, you make a quick exit before you can get caught.

You make it back to the the room you've been assigned to. They were nice enough to give you your own private quarters, something you deeply appreciate when you need to be alone with your own thoughts. Like right now.

It's a strange feeling, to sort of get closure like this. Not at the end, but at the beginning of something new. You still have to see each other. Does it help that you know how he feels? Maybe, but it doesn't ease your own guilt. In fact, it makes it worse.

You're not mad at him for telling Horangi. You're glad he did, actually. There are some secrets that cause more harm to keep than not.

You open a drawer and pull out the pill bottle, hidden underneath your other possessions, and stare at the label.

WARNING - SUPPRESSANTS. NOT TO BE USED BY ALPHAS. ONLY CONSUME UNDER PHYSICIAN SUPERVISION.

You would know.

BOOM! There you have it. (In case it wasn't clear, the suppressants are for omegas.)

@sprout-fics's omegaverse 141 headcanons series inspired me to write something based off the idea of an omega disguising themselves as a beta in the military. Please check out her series, it's great.

I was really into exploring how omegaverse dynamics can make complicated relationships even messier. I did consider writing this story without the omegaverse, but I think now it's kind of an essential element. (I also just. Want them to have crazy nasty omegaverse sex. Sue me) I can't picture König ever breaking up with someone he deeply loved and was obsessed with, unless he had a reason like that. Still not a great reason, but a little bit understandable. Eden being a disguised omega also adds a bit of spice to the exes-to-lovers arc, too: she could have just come out and told him she's not actually a beta, but she chose not to for the sake of her career. Oof. Ruthless judgement calls were made on both sides.

I put this out because this idea had me in a STRANGLEHOLD, and I just had to get it out before I burst. Hopefully my writing's still up to par 😅 As for Kingdom Come, part iii may take a little while longer because a lot is going to happen in it, so I hope this can tide you guys over until then.

As usual, comments and feedback are always appreciated! I would love to talk about this au more. And again, if you'd like to be tagged, drop a reply. And if you're in the taglist and would like to be removed/only tagged for Kingdom Come, please let me know!

@crowbird @poohkie90 @cumikering @iytatsworld @papaver-decervicatus @anxietyrain @riotakire @ax0lotly @cookiepie111 @kacchasu @no1runawaymilkdad @chthonian-spectre @backwards-readings @yxllowtxpe @garbau @hexqueensupreme @queenthorin1 @violetstyless @her-majesty-theking @vegan-peppermint @peonytarian @ghostslittlegf @euuuuuuun @e1x03 @kokonoiwife @deaddainish @dragonfang @teehee-47 @catluvwr @keiva1000 @waves-against-a-cliff @channelsoph @cutiecusp @itsagrimm @dins-riduur-anthe @mantishymns @lexuria

#könig #konig #könig cod #konig cod #konig x reader #konig x you #könig x reader #könig x you #cod #cod mw2 #call of duty #mw2 #konig mw2 #könig mw2 #fic: now that we don't talk

[sevenrs]

been seeing interest crop up for a plural interpretation of grey wind/chasing wind, or making plural iterator ocs. this is great! as a system myself, i would like to offer some guiding questions and tips to non-systems to help out in their endeavors. please remember that i am one system and plurality varies VERY HEAVILY among people. other systems are free to comment and add their own tips. just dont turn this post into syscourse

i will use gw/cw as the most prevalent examples but this applies to any oc as well!

- alters are their own people in a lot of cases, not just "personalities". ask yourself, how does gw differ from cw? when presented with the same situation, how do each of them react? do they agree with each other or not? either way, what are their reasons?

- systems are rarely comprised of just two alters. it is not impossible, but very rare. most people notice plural symptoms at around 3 alters and people will on average have between 8-15 alters (but more is very much not unheard of!). think about how many alters gw/cw would have on top of each other

- alters may have different pronouns, sexuality, and ways they want to present themselves from each other. how do gw/cw and other alters differ from each other in this way, if at all?

- if gw/cw's physical body changes to represent who is fronting, was this an ability they had before realizing their plurality? in our world, we cannot change how we look outside of clothes and makeup. if gw/cw do not possess the ability to change physically, do either of them or any other alter feel uncomfortable or even dysphoric looking at their physical body?

- alters' relationships may vary heavily on the same person. how do gw/cw feel about a specific person? how are they the same or different? is one alter in a whole different kind of relationship with someone than another?

- how comfortable is gw/cw with telling others about their plurality? do only they know? their close friends? local group? anyone they come across? plurality is often personal, and is not a singular decision for any one alter in a system to make to tell others. it can be difficult for non-systems to understand what plurality is like (and in our world, cause mockery) so they may think it is easier to stay quiet about it

- plurality happens because of several different conditions. there is did, but there are also ospd-1a and 1b. i would highly recommend doing your own research on these different types of plurality. they each have different effects on memories, emotional state, even how defined the alters themselves. again, look into it

- if gw/cw have memory problems, do they have a way to get around it? private broadcasts? pearls? scratching on the walls? how do they talk to alters not co-concious with them?

- some systems may use role labels to identify themselves as having particular jobs to help/protect the system. these are roles such as host, caretaker, guardian, traumaholder, etc. do your research on this one. do any of these roles apply? or do gw/cw forgo these labels? (personally, we only use the term "host")

- headspace is a place in the mind where alters "live" (it's not a real residence, but it feels that way) headspace may be small, only representing co-conciousness, or very large, giving every alter a more "tangible" place to stay if not fronting. or headspace might not exist at all! (this is most common in systems who just found out about their plurality). what does headspace look like to them? keep in mind, headspace can really look like anything. for me at least, it looks mostly consistent. a few things may change about it or it may expand, but it's not like imagination where anything happens if you think about it

as a disclaimer i am not going to go in depth about trauma or sources in this post. it can get very personal very quickly. a general way i can put it is think of a long term source of stress and/or abuse that may be present in your iterator's life. handle the subject with care.

the best way to learn about the experiences of plurality is to ask people who are systems. as long as you are given consent, come in with genuine curiosity, and be as reasonable as you can, most systems will be okay with questions! it is like any other identity

a side: other ways to make plural iterators?

iterators do not share human anatomy or physiology. they will never perfectly be able to represent plurality like we have it in our world

but the unique characteristics of iterators can lend way into creative ideas that are similar to plurality! (but never, i want to stress, NEVER the same)

notably, several puppets in one can. if you remember that the body of the iterator is the structure, and the puppets are like the face, then you have several faces, personalities, people, in one body. my immunerators play around with this idea and i am sure there are other ways to get creative!

#rain world #broadcast.txt #gw #headcanon #my askbox is also open for questions #only if it relates to gw/cw or any other iterator oc you want help with plurality for #and not to pry into my personal life #i am a rain world blog. not a system blog #i wanted to offer some help to this part of the community #i will block anyone who gets weird about me or this post

[billfarrah]

I don’t think Young Royals gets enough credit for it’s portrayal of sexuality. Obviously we in the fandom appreciate it all the time, but I feel like outside the fandom I’ve barely even seen it mentioned, and it’s such a shame because I really do feel like season 1 was very quietly revolutionary in its very matter-of-fact portrayal of teenage sexuality and desire.

It’s so refreshing to have a character like Simon, who clearly figured out he was gay a long time ago and is completely unbothered by it. There’s no big reveal where the other characters find out he’s gay, he doesn’t announce it to the entire population of the school as if it’s their business. His family knows, his close friends know, and they tease him as anyone would their friend or family about his crush. He’s most likely not out at Hillerska but that’s not because he’s intentionally hiding it; he just doesn’t feel the need for anyone to know because ultimately it’s only important to him and those close to him. After he reminds his dad of his sexuality, it’s never mentioned again, and we able to visually see that he is interested in boys based on his chemistry with Wille, the way he looks at him and acts around him, and obviously their intimacy. When the video comes out, nobody is going around saying, “oh wow, the non-boarder is gay?” in surprise, because there’s no reason for them to be surprised.

With Wilhelm, I love that he’s never pressured by anyone to come out, and is not portrayed as weak or invalid for his desire to keep his sexuality to himself. Wilhelm’s story is not a coming out story but one of discovery for his entire identity; who is he, what does he want, does he want the life that was chosen for him that he has no say in? His attraction to Simon doesn’t symbolize him coming to terms with his sexuality, but realizing what it is that he wants in his life (freedom, something real and raw and honest in a world he perceives as fake). Wilhelm may have those few moments of panic where he claims he’s “not like that”, but I don’t think there was ever any doubt in his mind what his attraction to Simon was. To have a teenage queer main character whose journey within the story is not limited to discovering their sexuality and coming out is still quite rare, and I love that he isn’t even the slightest bit concerned about labelling himself; he’s just in love with a boy. That’s all he knows and that’s all he needs to know. Labels can be wonderful and comforting for some people (as we see in Simon who is very comfortable identifying as gay), but they don’t provide that same comfort for everyone, and I’m glad a character like Wilhelm can exist outside of a box. Whether he’s interested in just boys, just girls or boys and girls isn’t relevant; what’s relevant is that he’s in love with a boy and unfortunately that Carrie’s greater implications for his very specific path in life.

I love that Wille and Simon are not shy or ashamed of their desire to have sex with each other, and that their relationship is not portrayed as any less pure or wholesome because they want sex. I’m so used to queer relationships in shows where sex is such a huge topic and the characters are so anxious about and want their first time to be perfect and want to make sure they’re “ready”, and if often kind of turns into something a bit preachy and watered down, and while I’m not saying at ALL that it’s bad to talk about sex this way, I think it is just as important to portray characters that are not nervous about sex, and just embrace their desires and go for it. I’ve seen so many TV shows where entire episodes are based over characters working up to having sex for the first time, and it’s so dramatic (not just with queer couples) and full of doubt on whether or not they should or if it’s a good idea, and there’s this undercurrent of shame to it, and it was just so nice to see queer characters have total conviction in their sexual desire and just act on them without needing to discuss consequences. Although them having sex did have consequences, the show makes sure to tell the audience it wasn’t their fault and there was nothing wrong with them doing it. We see how euphoric, happy and connected they felt toward each other afterward, and it was portrayed as fucking beautiful and romantic.

The best way I can describe YR’s approach to sex and sexuality is matter-of-fact, and it’s so important and I wish it was discussed more outside of tiny fandom spaces, because I think it’s so important for queer storytelling going forward and should be held on equal standing with other popular queer teen series.

#young royals #I’m not making any digs about other programs or films #and it’s not exactly a criticism of other media #I’m more just stating I’m happy we get to see something different #I haven’t forgotten about YR y’all don’t worry! #I just don’t have a whole lot to say about it rn coz of the content drought and I feel like I’ve said almost everything I can say about it #at this point before season 2 #I made tags that are basically about this but I wanted to make a singular post dedicated to it #wilmon

[tavyliasin]

Tagging, Censorship and Consent in Fandom

Hello darlings~ I'm back at it again with the essayposting - blame the creative block for that, but as always I'm neck deep in Fandom which is exactly where I wish to be anyway~ Now, today's essay is going to mention potentially triggering topics by name, however will not be going into great detail on any of them. If you feel you are in a place within yourself where you might not be comfortable encountering some terms and topics, please feel free to turn back now and I hope to see you next time instead. For the rest of us...

How To Tag Your Content and Engage With Creative Fandom Safely - A Serious Essay Again with TavyliaSin (And how to respect your readers/viewers) ((Consent is important and this is how we do it)) (((And it's always good to keep learning every day to keep each other safe)))

So again, there will be heavier topic mentions from here, and I welcome all points of view to the table. We're going to cover boundaries, safety, and this will be all ADULT CONTENT so 18+ ONLY please and thank you darlings~ Subheaders follow of course~

--- ---

What Are Tags And Why Should We Care?

This is the easy one here. Tags are the markers on the map, the signposts on the gate, the labels that tell us what is in the tin. Perhaps it is best to think of them like food labels - sometimes people have allergies or intolerances to ingredients. Often, a dish is clearly not going to be suitable - one doesn't order the Nut Roast with a nut allergy, after all - but other times there are unexpected ingredients that might cause an unintended reaction. The exact same applies to content, whether it is angst, dead dove, kink, or really any number of topics that can be difficult for some to handle. We all have our own "food allergies" - there may be some we can never "eat", and others that we can stomach if we prepare first. In both cases we need those labels to know before we dive in. And just to be clear here, I'm not talking about just mild discomfort. Encountering certain topics can put people into severe PTSD episodes that can take days or even weeks to fully recover from. A huge number of us unfortunately live through life events that could be described as traumatic, and whilst we should not place the responsibility of handling our problems on the shoulders of others, we should also be respectful of how content we create and share can affect those with life experiences different to our own.

Boundaries And Safety

We need to extend this to our online interactions with other creators and fandom friends too - express your own boundaries when you need to, seek help if they are crossed with poor intention, and take care to listen to the boundaries of those around you. And whilst I shan't be touching on the topic heavily, this also extends to those in the more public eye. Send and tag only content that is explicitly welcomed, respect boundaries, and help to keep all of our communities happier for it. Additionally, the obvious one too - under 18s should not be interacting with NSFW content, nor should NSFW creators be knowingly interacting with under 18s. This is for the safety not only of the underage people, but the adult creators too. Whilst we can rationalise that most of us encountered inappropriate content for our age, if we are found to be knowingly allowing or sharing it towards those who are underage then we are at a very real risk of landing on offender registers. Use a reasonable amount of care, and seriously any minors still here, first you should not be, and secondly if you have any respect for the NSFW creators please never interact with us until you are over 18.

Alright, So What Should Be Tagged and How?

There are a lot of content types and tags out there. Largely you can put them into 3 Categories: 1. Violence 2. Sexual/Kink 3. Misc Yes I know misc is a bit of a catch-all, but the first two are the most common at least.

The lists I use in the House of Hopeful Sinners Discord Server are as follows - though it should be noted I am adding to and refining these as we go along, either with things that are requested or those that I realise I have missed. There are likely far more comprehensive lists, and AO3 has a lot of suggested tags to use too. My rule on Discord is that all of these topics are permitted but must be spoiler covered and tagged appropriately (I'll cover a section on Discord specifically later). For some of these topics, we have threads that allow people to discuss them in a creative context in a space separated from the main conversation channels, so people can engage and indulge in the content without those who are uncomfortable being exposed to it.

Violent Content

NonCon

Trauma

Death

Severe Injury

Injury Detail

Blood

Torture

Manipulation

Choking

Dead Dove

Needles

Knives

Guns

Ascended Astarion (positive context/romantic)

Sexual Content

DubCon

CNC (Consensual NonCon)

Spanking

Somnophilia (One person is asleep at the start or throughout)

Breeding

BDSM

Wax Play

Pain Play

Breath Control

Bondage

Pet Play

Urine Fetish

Scat

Omegaverse

Knotting

Wild Shape

Ascended Astarion (sexual)

Age Difference

Size Difference

Predator/Prey

Others

Pregnancy/Fertility

Traumatic Pasts

Medical Procedures

Sickness/Emetophobia

Animal Death

Grief/Loss

PTSD/Trauma

That's A Lot Of Tags - Won't It Put People Off?

Well, loves, this is the key. By having the tags there, people can choose to engage or not. For every item on that list, there will be some people who want to avoid that content - and that's fine, you shouldn't want to expose them to it against their will! But there will also be those people who love that content! For example, Breeding is something I'd always want to avoid. I don't want to encounter it in fic or art. But there are lots of people who love that kink, which is great! When it's tagged, I can skip the content, and those who enjoy it can flock to it - everyone wins here!

Should Some Kinks Always Be Censored Or Banned

Time for the tricky nuance part, darlings, but it does need to be said. I do not believe that there are many topics that should be censored or banned entirely in art and fiction for one very simple reason, which I will cover in a lot more detail in a future essay:

Everyone deals with their own traumatic experiences in different ways. Whilst some people may need to avoid anything close to certain topics, others are able to process their pain and heal from it by creating or engaging with fictional versions of that topic.

Writing and art are both things where the viewer/reader has control over the situation. Not in that they can change it, but they can step away at any time. They can stop reading/looking and never go back to it. The situation is, in that way, safe if they are prepared before going in to it. Although a trauma trigger might cause some similar feelings in some people to the traumatic memory/experience, this is not universal. It is not for any one person to dictate the ways in which any other heals or copes with their own scars. It may be similar for a writer or artist, being able to explore and process their feelings. So no, I do not condone censoring anything but the most extreme/obvious illegal topics, which I'd prefer not to mention for my own peace of mind.

As long as works are tagged, and spoiler covers used to hide the content from people until/unless they choose to engage with it, everyone should be allowed to create and consume the media they choose. (The obvious caveat of course being "so long as none are harmed in the making of it", but I should think all of you would know that by this point in the essay)

What Do I Do If Something Isn't Tagged?

Chances are that writers miss tags sometimes, and not intentionally either. Try to let them know in a comment, or if you are uncomfortable engaging then ask someone to speak on your behalf (I will happily provide this service just DM me the link). In cases of Discord or other moderated spaces, speak with those moderators about anything that's troubling you.

If you've been alerted to a missed tag in your own work, add it in right away. It might help to ask Beta Readers to list any tags independently of the ones you have in mind before posting, so you can cross check things over.

How Can I Hide Tagged Content?

AO3 - You can't hide tagged content on AO3, but the tags are listed with every work. You might want to use the summary or pre-work notes if there is particular content you feel needs to be added. As you can see here, I put more in the summary as well as in the tags.

--- Tumblr - List your CWs in the top of your post, and then use the "Read More" marker to hide the cut content.

So you can see the actual content is below the line, in each case, which is also helpful to prevent post previews from being too long and gives you more control over Tumblr formatting anyway. For images, you may well need to make use of the community labels too, though I have been informed writing is less important for this as it doesn't show in post previews.

Discord - Spoiler Tagging is your real friend in Discord. Super easy to use, and hides text and images until clicked.

For text, using the || either side of the text will hide it, and for images you can click the eye symbol to spoiler it. You can also do this from mobile by long pressing the image preview to bring up the menu to spoiler. Twitter - Click on the edit then select the flag menu.

Unfortunately you can't hide text on Twitter, so use caution there, or use threads potentially to nest the warned content in the replies. You may also wish to have a separate account for 18+ content if you have SFW content on your account too, or use things like the protected feature so only people who you allow can see your posts.

Is That All?

For now, darlings, I believe we have covered almost everything, but the floor is open in comments to add anything else you feel is important to discuss.

At the end of the day, engaging in fiction and art that contains potentially sensitive subject matter is all about that informed consent. The creator can make something and ask if someone wishes to see it, the viewer/reader then makes their decision if they wish to or not. Our job as creators is to tag our works so people know what is safe for them to engage with. Our job as consumers is to appreciate the work and know that not every work will cater to our specific tastes.

So really loves I'm telling you to go out and revel in how we have so much variety that we really can filter by what we do and don't want to see, and that we will also likely have readers/viewers for everything we are inspired to create.

Let's not have fandom in-fighting or dictating who should be allowed to create what - there are precious few cases in which those fights are worth starting. Be passionate about what you love, skip the things you don't~ Oh and if you do appreciate my philosophies and guidelines on these topics, it is my pleasure to inform you that my personal server is open and welcoming to likeminded people who are 18+. You'll find more details in This Tumblr Post Here

#fanfic #consent #tagging your fan works #fandom essay #content warnings #trigger warnings #discussions that need to be had sometimes #keeping fan communities safe and happy for everyone

[impishlavenderthrone]

Hey.

Hey you.

Please leave Kyle A. Carrozza alone. Especially if you're still planning to go to Youmacon. Double especially if you are only going to the con just to mess with him.

He is a massive fucking scumbag, that much nobody can deny. But believe me, he wants to be bothered at the convention. He is relying on it. DARVO is his M.O., it's all he knows. He used it throughout his abuse of Ang, his friends have used it to defend him. And he is absolutely going to the convention still to continue his DARVO routine.

Walk with me for a bit. (Edit 12/10/2023: added more)

Most of Kyle's mouthpiece friends have all said the same thing - that Kyle, at his big grown age, was traumatised by Ang's Invader Zim porn. Not that he found it disgusting - he specifically used charged language that encourages people to fall in line and support him.

In reality, he was trying to throw dirt on his victim to destroy their credibility if they dared speak up about him. That what he did to them was nothing compared to the traumatising artwork he was subjected to.

It worked, reversed victim and offender achieved.

If you've had the stomach to read through Ang's evidence comprehensively, you can likely spot his DARVO in the very conversations he's had with others.

Reverse victim and offender achieved again.

And now, with the news that Youmacon isn't backing down on having Kyle as a guest, the people are not taking it well. Kyle's twitter has been on constant lockdown since Ang revealed their EOL status. There have been calls to harass Kyle at the convention, in amongst people cancelling their tickets and threatening contact with Youmacon partners. Needless to say, Kyle A. Carrozza is Public Enemy No.1, and his life is in very real danger...

Yet he is still attending.

It's foolish, right? Swarms of people are surrounding an event like vultures, knowing exactly What You Did, and itching for a reason to punish you... and you still go? Where is the self preservation? Ladies, gentleman, and others of differing persuasion, Kyle is playing the long game. He knows there's people out there who want to hurt him - he's relying on it.

His past is littered with him pushing for the victim label in whatever scenario he can manage, even if it's totally inappropriate for him to do so. He's daring people to attack him... so he can turn around and pin it back onto Ang.

Making Ang the offender and him the victim, once again.

If you can't stem your hatred for this despicable man, then focus on your support for Ang. Ang has expressed multiple times that the do not want harm to come to any of their abusers.

As grim as it is to say, think about Ang's legacy.

Think about what your actions say about them.

Think about how Kyle and his defenders will twist your actions as malice rather than grief.

Think about what we as a community stand for - anti harassment, anti doxxing, anti harm, and most importantly pro accountability

I understand we're all hurting. I understand that, after all our pleas, we've been effectively kicked in the teeth once again. When I heard Ang and Puppy's news, I could feel my very soul being crushed. If I was allowed, I would have rot in my bed in grief. I, too, wanted vengeance.

But that's not what Ang wants, and it is everything we stand against. Please, please, please; if you or a friend are considering harming Carrozza or Youmacon staff, reconsider. Find that spot of humanity and humility in your being, and hold it close.

Don't let Carrozza and his ilk attack what we stand for.

Edit 1, 12/10/2023:

[Image ID: a thread of three tweets by Twitter user alacruxe AKA "mill nai the violence guy" that reads as follows:

"If you're a supporter of Ang and you're attending Youmacon, DO NOT engage with Kyle Carrozza. Do not follow him, do not speak to him, do not go to his panels. He'll have supporters flocking to him and they will record you out of context and dox you. Do. Not. Engage."

"I know it's tempting to have your moment, but you will not be helping. Show support by boycotting and continue to pressure industry figures to take notice. Crowding the guy and yelling at him that he's a murderer has only made him double down. His stance is not going to change."

"At the end of the day, what the oblivious public is going to see is a bunch of people dogpiling a guy and trying to cancel him, and you just know the news media is going to eat that shit up. Please don't act in a way that's going to spin the public narrative against Ang." End Image ID]

Another important contribution from Twitter that I found. Seriously, leave that asshole alone.

#kyle carrozza #kyle a carrozza #ang vondra #mighty magiswords #ang's legacy #we love you ang #animation industry #Youmacon #anti harassment #proship #proshippers please interact #tw death #tw eol #psa

[smokeygrayrabbits]

OK SO REWATCHING BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS AND SNAKES AGAIN AND y'all remember how coryo and sejanus had that lil confrontation right after they got to twelve over sejanus hanging with billy toupe and coryo was all 'you have to learn to make the best of our lives and roles here or have your father buy you a discharge and do something' and we as the viewers (idk about readers bc I have yet to read the book 😭 but movie anyway) can see the spite he says that with because sejanus is there willingly and coryo isn't. coryo had everything taken from him by being sent out as a peacekeeper. sejanus gave everything up to do the same.

coryo told sejanus not to throw his life away because he had the means and opportunity to make a real difference, and what did sejanus do? he turned straight around and threw away all of his power inorder to become a peacekeeper medic out in district twelve. as far as possible from the capital and any real position of power to make the change he was always talking about. and the reason that coryo told sejanus that in the first place? he was forced to risk his life to go and get sejanus!

sejanus had everything that coryo was working so hard to get a scrap of and threw it away on a whim, right after coryo was forced to risk his life to save sejanus.

coryo was exiled. forcefully placed in the military by highbottom with the goal of taking away any future power that coryo might have had. and sejanus, who already had the money and power that coryo was being kept from, threw it away! sejanus volunteered for the job that was meant to replace coryos death sentence. and then he starts running around doing illegal shit, dragging coryo into it by association, meanwhile coryo is doing his best to get back to his family and NOT GET KILLED. CORYO BASICLY ALREADY HAD TWO STRIKES AGAINST HIM WITH THE CAPITAL, AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY FOR THEM TO KILL HIM OFF IN THE DISTRICTS, LEAVING HIS FAMILY ALONE AND FUTURELESS. AND HE KNEW THAT. HE KNEW THAT EVERYTHING HE DID WAS BEING WATCHED AND SEJANUS JUST KEPT PUTTING THEM AT RISK! ID BE PISSED TOO.

BUT SEJANUS DIDNT KNOW THAT. HE DIDNT SEE IT THAT WAY BECAUSE HE DIDNT KNOW ABOUT CORYOS SITUATION WITH THE STARVING FAMILY AND THE DEATH SENTANCE AND THE TRAUMA FROM THE WAR AND ITS AFTERMATH AND HIGHBOTTOM WANTING HIM DEAD. GOD IF THEY HAD JUST TALKED ABOUT IT THEN I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT SEJANUS WOULD HAVE KEPT WORKING WITH BILLY TOUPE,

seriously! from coryos perspective everything sejanus did was basically a slap in the face to everything he was struggling and suffering for! but sejanus probably just thought coryo was blind to the capitals cruelty because sejanus was always trying to do what he thought was the right thing! but coryo knew people who had been labeled treasonous rebels for doing less than sejanus, and since they were friends and squad members coryo would have been blamed too. and unlike sejanus coryo doesn't have a rich dad to save him. he also had people relying on him, unlike sejanus, who only thought he was risking himself.

BUT ALSO coryo saw everything sejanus did as a wasted opportunity. and he was kinda right! sejanus had the money and the platform and the future to make real change if he would only spend some of his father's money and play the game. but just like coryo yelled at him in their fight, sejanus was too blinded by his own guilt over his father's actions and how they benefited from the war to actually do anything. which while moral and kind and very sejanus of him, was also such a wasted opportunity!

and then later at the jabberjay collection part where, before turning on the recording, coryo told sejanus to stop his sketchiness and sejanus was all 'YOU told me I could make a difference! thats what I'm doing!' and coryo makes that frustrated pissy face but doesn't really say anything he was totally thinking 'YEAH BUT THIS ISNT WHAT I MEANT!' when coryo told sejanus that he could make a difference back in the arena he was talking about sejanus using his familys wealth to make large scale change in the system, not risk his life on some asshole like billy toupe. but he doesn't say that because that's treason and he never says stuff out loud like that because he actually has people to protect. AND THEN SEJANUS GOES 'i can't stay here I wont!' SAYING THAT HES CANT STAY IN DISTRICT TWELVE ANYMORE AND CORYO MAKES THAT FACE AGAIN CUZ SEJANUS YOU SIGNED UP FOR THIS YOU VOLUNTEERED!!!!!!! GOD! I CANT!

AND THEN SEJANUS SAYS 'im just doing what you told me to do back at the arena' AND CORYO SAYS ' I WASJUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU THE FIRST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING STUPID ENOUGH TO RUIN MY LIFE' AND HE MEANT THAT BECAUSE WHAT SEJANUS DID PUT CORYOS ENTIRE FUTURE AT RISK BUT HE DOESNT KNOW THAT AND THEN SEJANUS SAYS 'its worth the risk to do the right thing' ANF THATS WHERW CORYO FINALLY GETS OUTWARDLY MAD AND SAYS 'ITS WORTH THE RISK FOR YOU. YOUR FATHER WILL JUST BUY YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES BUT ILL BE HUNG JUST FOR KNOWING YOU' BUT SEJANUS DOESNT KNOW HOW TRUE THAT IS BUT ALSO HE SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE CORYO FULLY TOLD HIM AND HE JUST DIDNT GET IT! AND ONLY THAT DAY CORYO HAD LEARNED THAT HIS FAMILY WAS EVICTED AND THEY LOST HIS CHILDHOOD HOME AND HE WAS TRYING SO HARD TO SAVE THEM BUT SEJANUS WAS GONNA GET CAUGHT AND GET HIM KILLED AND GOD

#if they just talked! #they needed to have a drunken girl fight over who had more trauma #and then everything would have been fine #kinda #maybe #probs not #BUT I CAN DREAM #coriolanus snow #sejanus plinth #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #tbosas spoilers

[thotsforvillainrights]

May I request a friends with benefits thing with Spinner, Skeptic, Twice, Kai, Trumpet, and Rappa?

So basically him and reader agreed that since they were both to busy to go and LOOK for bitches, then to just take the one in front of them!! It's completely platonic (with sex) between them!! I kinda just wanna see what'd they'd be like with a friend with benefits!

Towards the end maybe insinuate a growing crush toward reader or smthn!!

-

Hello :0!! I wanted to say that ur really cool!! Like ur someone I could totally admire :>! You're kind, an amazing writer, artist, and editor type of thing!!! You are a whole type of package in a decorated box!!

Bye!!

(Oh! This sounds like a good one! Trying to practice putting a ‘readmore’ for the longer post so I don’t bomb people’s Tumblrs lol)

~Friends With Benefits~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

~Spinner~

-It’s so bold of you to think that this man wouldn’t end up falling for you after the first 3 times you had sex with each other. Just think about it, you show interest in him (and likely some of the same things he enjoys too), AND you don’t judge him or his appearance? You’re his friend for a reason! The first time I’m sure you’re likely the one to bring it up to him. He sits shocked for a moment before blinking a few times and inching himself until his skin nearly bleeds just to make sure it was real and not a dream he was having. Actually just take back what I said about him falling for you after the first 3 times. He probably falls for you after the first time you have sex instead. I don’t think he’d ever done it with anyone before. He’s one of those people that thinks giving it up is very important for the first time. He expresses that he’s glad it’s you. After a while I think he doesn’t seek sex out of you but instead something more. It’s up to you whether or not you chose to accept his feelings!

~Skeptic~

-This is probably the best thing to happen to him. You mean to tell me I can get my rocks off without the hassle of a relationship being attached? Sign me the fuck up immediately! It’s likely a big deal that he tolerates you enough to call you a friend in the first place. He barely considers the other MLA members to be friends. It’s something along the line of colleagues or counterparts maybe. He feels a small connection with you but he brushes that under the rug quickly and slaps a friendship label over it instead. Either of you could’ve suggested the whole deal to each other. If it had been him then I picture it being really formal with literal papers he makes you sign to assure things are official between the two of you. This man makes a fucking schedule for you! “Sign here, and here, and here. Initial right there. You agree to have intercourse with me every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and alternating Monday depending on either of our work schedules. There is a 2 hour time limit for intercourse and I expect us to both be done within that frame. No sleeping at each others house, it’s imperative to cut it short and separate afterwards. No heavy texting, petting, and or conversation surrounding our arrangement expect during the appropriate time.” He goes on and on. I think maybe after a long LONG time he starts to feel a little attached to you and breaks his own contract. “Wait...can you stay tonight...just for a little longer?”

~Twice~

-I feel like he’s in the middle about a few things here and there. He’ll tell you straight to your face that he wants a relationship with you but if you’re not ready for all that then he’ll be your little fuck buddy for a while. The thing about him is that he wants all the things attached instead of just sex. Basically he tells you ‘sure we can be friends with benefits!’ and then he turns around and wants the relationship part as well. It’s a little confusing but kinda cute if you can deal with it. You’ll likely need to be patient with him during everything since he’s pretty much attached to you at this point. Honestly, the two of you might as well go ahead and date each other. At least there’s great sex involved from him. Seriously...I won’t go into detail but you won’t leave that room for a few hours. When you do leave, I doubt you’ll be able to walk very well.

~Overhaul~

-I bet he’s the one that brings it up to you at first. He’s bold with it. He figures he has some feelings tucked away with you in there. You’d been friends since basically childhood. He’s grown comfortable enough around you to be unmasked, ungloved, and apparently unclothed? It’s odd to see him expressing any kind of sexual interest in anyone at all, especially you of all people. In high school you and Chrono used to joke about how he’d die a virgin and the Chisaki bloodline would end with him lol. That’s why you were shocked when he’d approached you with an offer complete with rules and guidelines he’d like you to follow. Nothing further from getting yourself tested and avoiding a few techniques in bed that he’d learned about. He admits to you that his urges are getting to him and it’s your fault apparently. You’d awoken something in him that he refused to acknowledge and tried to ignore but simply couldn’t anymore. You agreed to his offer and basically rocked his world. It was a little tough keeping anyone from finding out about it since that house had the underground base AND Pops lurking around with employees. Sometimes you two would check into a hotel just to fuck each other for a few days without worry of being caught. Eventually the cat was out of the bag when he wore his shirt inside out to a meeting and everyone saw the faint hickies on his neck, but that’s a story for another time...and so is the story of how he’d started falling for you as well.

~Trumpet~

-He’s okay with it at first really! A little nookie on the side in between working and such? Yes please! Hanabata really does enjoy the little agreement you two had come to. However (like Spinner), I think he falls for you early on. He becomes like a little worm getting under your skin. Suddenly he’s texting you a lot more, inviting you over more often, keeping tabs on you and constantly getting jealous whenever you interact with other people. If you ask him what’s wrong then he’s going to tell you straight up that he’s fallen for you and is after more than sex. You probably notice that before he tells you since he’d stopped inviting you over for sex and started wanting to binge watch TV with a glass of wine or two. You notice he’s fallen for you in the way he has sex with you as well. He’s gotten a lot less rough and demanding, and a little more gentle. His hips roll much slower than usual and he’s busy showering you in gentle kisses. His words and breathy moans intertwine with small gasps of your name rolling off his tongue. He tells you that you’re beautiful/handsome/attractive and after you cum he gives you world class aftercare. It’s a huge change coming from the beginning when all this started and he used to call you a ‘little cum slut’. It’s totally up to you whether or not you wanna stay friends and sex partners, or you wanna step it up a notch. 

~Rappa~

-Very pleased with the concept of Friends with Benefits. In fact it’s basically just what he needs right now. He didn’t wanna shell out the money for sex with others since he spent a lot of his money on food and gym equipment instead. Besides, he knew you best and therefore it would be better to stick with one person over and over. After a few times he seems to think you’ve grown to be adjusted to his dick and his dick ONLY (which is delusional to say the least). Who has the time to pull the whole relationship thing anyway? He’s not a cheesy guy and definitely not big on cuddles. There’s nothing better than calling you over for an action movie, some quick fucking, or a pool match whatever. No stupid little dates, or taking turn on house chores, or going out for walks or...or having someone to come home to. Having someone take care of his dumbass or help keep him in line when he really needed it. Someone to...oh no. He starts to realize something bubbling up in his chest and that’s no good at all. Eh he’ll sleep it off and it’ll probably be gone by the time you come over tomorrow. 

(Spoiler alert: it wasn’t)

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #rappa kendo #kai chisaki #koku hanabata #shuichi iguchi #tomoyasu chikazoku #jin bubaigawara #minors dni #minor dni #smut? #overhaul #shie hassaikai #meta liberation army #skeptic bnha #bnha spinner #trumpet bnha

[foxlored]

Hunter & The Binary of Abuse Victims in Fandom

Warned you all I would be turning this into a full-length essay. I find the way that fandom culture treats fictionalized abuse victims endlessly fascinating, as it's such an interesting microcosm of societal views about abuse at large. The Owl House's fandom has been especially interesting in how its treated the topic, given the fact we have multiple characters that have histories of being abused, or in some way dealing with conflicting parental relationships, lending for definitely a wider array of nuance in discussion. Out of every fandom, this isn't the worst by far.

However, Hunter is definitely the more 'by the numbers' character in that realm of discussion, and one people seem more likely to latch onto and mischaracterize. So, I suppose this is just me trying to examine how exactly this is reflective of larger fandom patterns and so on.

As a quick heads up, this is going to be an essay obviously discussing abuse, but along with that specifically victimblaming, negative views towards abuse victims, etc. Just like, y'know, proceed with caution.

The dichotomy of the 'good' versus 'bad' victim

I'm sure there's a better way to succinctly describe it, but I do not have buzzwords on my side right now, so that's the short of it. A common pattern that seems to be present when discussing abuse is to rationalize why a victim was abused. If no "reason" can be found, then they are a "good victim" who's deserving of respect and sympathy. If something can be found to rationalize it, then the victim is branded as somehow deserving of their abuse. Obviously this isn't true, and the standards are oftentimes very arbitray. Whether a victim "fought back", or "left when they should've", or any number of things they "should've" done are thrown as reasons to blame a victim for their abuse.

But sometimes, miraculously, a victim manages to "win" the sympathy of onlookers (this being much more common for fictional characters than for real people, hooray for double standards and phony activism) and is branded a "good victim". You'd think that this would make things easier, that their trauma will actually be approached from a nuanced lens.... ha, no.

The role of the "good victim" is often one that characterizes them as hyperemotional, defenseless, helpless, essentially painting a caricature of someone who "couldn't defend themselves against their abuser" and is therefore pitiable. In fandom, this came in the form of the "smol bean that must be protected" (sorry to evoke 2016 onto you all), the "sad boi", or as TVtropes puts it: The Woobie. (And whaddya know, Hunter's actually on The Owl House subpage for the trope).

Hunter as a 'Good Victim'

To preface this section, I wouldn't say Hunter's place in this role has always been stable. In the same way that the way its given to real victims is conditional and subject to change, the same occurred in fandom response to Hunter. This was especially prevalent, IMO, around the time of Eclipse Lake's release and the hiatus that followed the end of Season 2A. I'll touch on that more later, but for now we'll be discussing the times in which he IS given fandom sympathy, and what that sympathy really means.

If there's one thing Owl House fans love discoursing about, its the way Hunter is treated in the fandom. I've seen this often played off as "hating neurodivergent* coded characters", but this is by far a bigger issue with the way we discuss abuse victims in fandom, as illustrated in the previous section.

( *People use the label interchangably with Autism & ADHD despite the fact Neurodivergency is a vast umbrella that includes PTSD/C-PTSD which Hunter would undoubtedly qualify for. People using the idea of ND-coding, from my experience, typically argue from the angle of Hunter being in some way autistic-coded, I'm not arguing he's not neurodivergent).

The core issue of this discussion is the way that Hunter is denied agency and autonomy from fans because of his abuse. The Huntlow discourse particularly comes to mind, whether or not a person can be ""too traumatized"' to engage in a romantic relationship. I'm not arguing for or against in either capacity, I think both sides did have good intentions and merit to arguments that got strawmanned in order to push ship discourse, but I digress. The point is that Hunter is a character that is reduced to his trauma, and whether intentionally or not, is seen as needing protection.

A healthy support network is good. Having people protect you from an abuser is good. But the way people take this borders on infantalization, often forgetting who they're talking about. Hunter is an extremely competent character, and within the show does as much "protecting" for his friends as he does in needing help. But because his identity is, to fans, intrinsically tied to the abuse he faces, he is in a way forever seen as a permavictim, feeding into this idea of needing to be protected.

When the idea of a 'Good Victim' falls apart

I'd like to take a quick detour here to also focus on that previously mentioned point in time where a lot of nasty victim-blaming sentiment came up, and how people really tend to hate victims of abuse... acting like victims of abuse.

Eclipse Lake was definitely one of Hunter's more noteworthy episodes, giving a better look as to his relationship with Belos, how it impacted his self esteem, and the fact that he really wasn't willing to let go of that. And whew, boy, did that make a LOT of people upset.

Because here was Amity, this character who'd gone through similar struggles, had similar negative thoughts, offering him help and a way to heal. And Hunter rejected that pretty blatantly in favor of pleasing his abuser. I won't explain why people were in the wrong for hating Hunter in that moment, its pretty obvious that of course the traumatized 16 year old wasn't just going to immediately abandoned everything he'd ever known in favor of people that have been, atleast from his POV, pretty fucking mean. (All love to our protagonists though!)

What I'm more interested in talking about is what exactly this means as a reflection of the way we talk about abuse. Because I think a lot of abuse "awareness" is contingent on playing up abusers as these cold, calculating monsters that plan each nice thing they do for their abuse victims as a way to ensnare them further under their control (And okay, in Belos' case that... actually isn't that far off, this is NOT going to be me going on about how "maybe belos wasn't that bad", jesus no). But that rhetoric harms both victims and outsiders.

For victims, it makes it harder to recognize they're being abused, because they don't think their abuser is this overtly manipulative person. Whether that is actually what's going on or not is case-by-case, but either way it makes it a lot harder to recognize when abuse is occurring because they see a human side to their abuser. They know their abuser has good moments that feel genuine to THEM. Meanwhile, to onlookers, and this is what's happening here in the fandom, if an abuser is an irredeemable monster that's lying about everything, then an abuse victim who apologizes for their abuser seems ridiculous.

We as the audience know Belos is a horrible person with no intention to do good. But Hunter DOESN'T know that. And every person who's telling him that's the case are people he has no reason to trust. That period of time where he was villified was based on our complete misunderstanding of what abuse can look like. Which plays into what the "bad victim" is.

Because while a "good victim" must be helpless and lacks any agency, for why else could they be abused, a "bad victim" CHOOSES to be abused. They're "bringing it onto themselves". Because if there is any reason you "could" prevent the abuse, and you don't, that's seen as a moral failing.

So what does this all mean?

I wish I had an actionable plan here, something to say "this is what you need to stop being weird about abuse" but... there really isn't that. This is a pattern that's prevalent in so many fandoms, and something that'll likely keep happening.

All I can say is that the best way to combat this is to be aware of what abuse actually looks like. Not the sensationalized stuff that's on television, I mean stories from real people. Accept that people who've dealt with abuse will have messy, complicated relationships with their abusers, and that they may have done or will do things that don't fit your view of what they "should've done". Trauma puts your brain into a completely different mindset, and it's hard to think rationally. Especially when the person you're dealing with isn't rational either.

Sorry this isn't the most pretty conclusion, or that I likely missed a few points I could've made. This is a tumblr post and I am just one fandomgoer that cares a lot about niche topics.

#dove rambles #dove does analysis #new tag for my longposts because i love talking about blorbos and what this means about Society #the owl house #hunter toh #im not even going to bother with finding out whats the popular last name hc rn #toh #media analysis

[bi-kisses]

hi may I ask what do you think about this tiktok? https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMY5UdYSV/ personally I find that they’re only trying to explain that NB/Queer people have always existed based on different cultural backgrounds but I wanted to ask what do you think of it

originally I was just gonna say what I always do about these ancient third genders being examples of homophobia, transphobia, and sexism. But I decided to actually prove that.

Their first point: Mesopotamia, 2000 BC. They had "neither male nor female" individuals who were "created by god".

In actuality: the gender roles were incredibly strict in their culture. Any form of deviance from "men stronk hunter, active and virile" meant you couldn't be a real man. If you actually look into their "neither male nor female" figures, you're met with:

feminine men who were forced under the "third gender" label to maintain strict masculine/feminine divide

an ambiguously-bodied cult god(dess), changing men to women/women to men as a way to again maintain masculinity and femininity's rigidity.

castrated castle servants

(source)

Second point: Egyptian "Sekhet", a third gender.

This one is SOOO funny because it just... isn't real? If you search for it online, the only thing that turns up is this absolutely referenceless "wikidata" article with a fun flag.

Did you mean: Sekhmet? Sekhmet is an Egyptian goddess, not at all ambiguously gendered, and not at all related to non binary genders.

Third point: Hijra, the Indian third gender.

I've talked about Hijra before but if you want the full breakdown;

This article's very first line says that Hijra are trans women. But the actual history of Hijra, the one that dates soooo far back historically, is of a god merging with his wife and becoming ambiguously sexed.

If you look at what makes someone Hijra, it's just... being LGBT. And in India, they're seen as vagabond and entertainers who roam around begging for money because of the discrimination and exploitation they face.

The New York Times goes into the modern Hijra, where their example is a bullied AFAB groomed into sex work at the age of 8. I'm not going to touch that. It is explained, however, that many Hijra exist in a sex work pyramid scheme with a top-dog Hijra getting all the money and offering protection to her many "chelas" and continue recruiting.

In fact, India legally recognizes all "transgender" people as being a third gender. Make of that what you will.

Fourth point: Scythians, a nomadic who heralded gender non conforming people as priests and warriors.

First of all, I'd like to say just how misleading the poster's segue into this point was? As if all Scythians were non binary? When that obviously wasn't the case. They had one form of "third gender", called Enarei or Anarya, which, I shit you not, translates to "unmanly". Telling on ourselves with this one.

From what I could find, this role was actually adopted by men who specifically couldn't have sex anymore for some reason. In legend, they came to be from an effeminacy curse from Aphrodite. There's very little information about this group and yet we can already see it's more of the same.

They also claim that Scythians had early HRT by using licorice root. I could find zero evidence for this, only an article that explained they used licorice root to stay hydrated in the desert.

Fifth point: Two Spirit, the native "umbrella" for non-"western" genders

I don't even want to explain at this point because it's such a dry topic, a long-beaten dead horse, but the term Two Spirits is a modern invention and the "genders" it encompasses are, likewise, ways to other or "explain" LGBT people.

You can look into any one of these genders for the proof, as I will do here: Take the wíŋkte, a contraction of a term that translates to "man who wants to be a woman". It's just... trans women. In the modern day, the same term basically just means gay man. Deviance from the typical male role meant you were classified as something totally other, as we can see, and if a trans woman wanted to, well, be a woman, she was instead ostracized from both sexes.

I've even had a native explain to me that 2S is a secondary role that has nothing to do with your sex or gender and is purely spiritual, not relevant to LGBT discussions whatsoever.

Their final point was literally "woman with a [penis] weapon", which derives from anglo-saxon history and was... insulting, from the little I could find. It wasn't an epic cool third gender, it was something to call trans/intersex people.

So we've reached the end. Now, the video itself isn't wrong, we've had the notion of non-binary genders and sexes for ages, but we also have the hindsight to understand these categories were sexist reinforcements of gender roles and a way to move the homosexuals and transsexuals into their own box that wouldn't disrupt the rest of society by trying to actually be perceived as, like, normal human beings.

Non binary today isn't overly different, unfortunately! For every person that claims it's a scientific phenomenon with androgynous dysphoria, there's a hundred more who describe it as not feeling like they "fit in" with other girls/guys.

Which is, again, just sexism and the enforcement of gender roles.

#anonymous #enbies #source post

[system-of-a-feather]

[A vent and flow of consciousness letter to the system and those that might relate]

I don't think it is fair that those who have become high functioning because of sheer survival often find themselves in the situation where being mentally ill becomes an option and thing they can turn on and off via dissociation and repression

Because when you get to that point, it no longer becomes a "you are mentally ill and because you can "choose to not be disabled" you should choose to NEVER be disabled and anytime you turn that off to vent out the passive build up, you are choosing to be mentally ill and disabled and you dont get the same consideration or care as those "not so fortunate"."

If I could not have a mental breakdown / meltdown that could stress and hurt those around me, then I should choose to right? If I know how to turn it off, not turning it off is reflective of me being an inconsiderate and abusive piece of shit right? But at the same time, when that is always an option, when do we get the chance to let the inherent mental illness we have and all its ugliness get a chance to air out so we can heal and live?

When do we get the courtesy that "less functioning" individuals - those who never developed the ungodly ability to cancel out any genuine experience and repress it so heavily - get? When do people start giving us a break and the understanding that we have over 5 Very Serious Mental health issues when we slip up and struggle? When is the decision to NOT cancel our experiences stop being considered a reflection of our personal character and values?

No amount of pain or personal issue excuses abusive or harmful behavior that is true. Nobody on any form of coping gets to use it as an excuse, but no one reassures those that are high function and "low support needs" that its fair to struggle and fair to take support and care. It's okay to NOT be high functioning and that it should not be a reflection of your personal character. It's okay to be sick and make an effort like other people have to inorder to make amends.

High functioning labels are bullshit. Low functioning labels are bullshit - thered a reason aspergers was thrown out of the book.

Just because we look good doesn't mean we aren't sick. Just because people buy into and cant see past the compulsive external beauty and perfection and hold you to a higher standard than your peers doesn't mean you should hold yourself up to their blind vision of who you are. You deserve the same level of respect and understanding your peers get. You aren't special because you look special. Those that treat you as some messiah, some perfected angel and saint of life - thats their issue.

If they deserve the patience you give, you do too. If they deserve the understanding that sometimes people are stupid and fuck up regardless of their intent, then you deserve that too.

If they deserve the benefit of doubt that when they make a mistake and hurtful decision that you assume and accept that they are just human, so do you

And anyone who says otherwise? Anyone who looks at you and judges you? Assumes that you aren't doing your best? Anyone who holds you to a higher standard than your peers? Fuck em. They can apologize, they can make their mistake for holding up the double standard and struggling, but if - even after hearing how unfair the double standard is, they insist that you are not due the same courtesy and benefits of doubt you hand out to others?

Well, fuck em.

You can be hurt even when you might have been in the wrong, even if you should have known better, whem you make a mistake. Honest mistakes don't have blame. You don't judge others when honest mistakes are made, they should return that lack of judgement.

If they disagree with this basic principle, then we aren't compatible and they aren't needed to be kept around.

If they don't like the real you, the you with ALL your garbage, then they dont deserve the usual you. Let them be gone, let it be a good riddance.

I'd rather live alone with myselves than live with those that demand we hold ourselves to their perceived standard of functioning based on our trauma sourced coping.

XIV said, if people hate you for being angry, for being cringe, for caring about something, then fuck them

I say, if people judge you for doing less than your best, for being vulnerable and weak, for making mistakes that are inherent to what they knew when they chose to be involved with someone with an extensive amount of hurt and pain to heal, then fuck them.

We do our best, we usually are astoundinf, amazing, an inspiration, goals for many and that can hold true while leaving space for us being Ugly and Hurt. There is no value in feigned strength built on false premises. The strongest strength comes from authentically knowing your pain, holding it up and persisting against all the ugly.

No radical acceptance exists without radicall acceptance of your wounds.

XIV says you can be ugly and hated and still love yourself and feel beautiful in your ugly ways.

I say you can admit you feel ugly and hated and still be beautiful.

And you know what? Riku says the world is beautiful - that everything in the world and everyone in the world - it is inherently beautiful.

Nothing needs to change about anyone to have beauty in the moment.

#alter: chunn #chunns esoteric letters #chunn writes #chunn rambles #vent #vent tw #recovery #healing #high functioning #be a shit lord and get lost #leaving reblogs for good talk #you want to bring negativity here #we dont need you here.

[dearweirdme]

so this larry situation has started a discussion. i am not a larrie btw but i know rain you used to be one. in my opinion larry is definitely an example of shipping taken too far.

louis's statement kinda scares me "there’s nothing I can say or do to dispel the believers of that conspiracy. they are so intertwined with what they believe to be the truth now that they won’t actually see the truth for what it is." even after this statement, i saw a few larries who still believe that his management is making him do all this. that gave me the shudders.

if louis and harry used to be a thing and this is how they turned out now, i would happily accept tae and jk to be just friends rather than their relationship turning into something disastrous like larry.

i think for me the only way i will continue to believe in taekook (assuming that they cannot come out officially as a couple) is if they both stay single for pretty much the rest of their life. so this is like a pretty long term theory lol but this will be my ultimate proof. because if they cannot get married or openly be together, its not like they can just tell us that, the only way we can spot it is if both of them are single. and ofc this theory only works out if only tae and jk out of all the members are single well into their age. if literally any other member is also single then this theory doesn't work.

anyways what do you think? what is your version of final proof?

Hi anon!

The difficulty of Larry fandom is that after 1d went on hiatus.. there was close to no real interactions to be witnessed between Harry and Louis. Before hiatus, most Larries were still quite certain they were together and they got to actually watch them interact and look at how they reacted to each other. When that disappeared.. the fandom kinda had to go by clues and fill in the gaps. But that leaves so much room to be wrong. That is why I feel fairly certain that they were together during or for parts of 1d, but perhaps not much after hiatus. There’s so much that makes Larry fandom a tough and complicated place. They are dealing with a band that’s no longer active, two solo artists that are quite different, a lot if newer fans who don’t really understand 1d history.. etc. All stuff that makes for a complex situation. Not all Larries are as unhinged (same as how Tkkrs differ from each other), but if you base your opinion on twitter larries 😬.

I think unhinged theories emerge when fans think they have to speak and fight for their favorite artist. We can kinda see it here too, with some fans talking about members hating each other. To me that is unhinged as well. You are absolutely right in saying Larry fandom (as a whole) takes it too far. There’s a lot of unhinged theories going around. I don’t think Louis has to do this because of his management, I think he has a lot of control these days. The idea that he doesn’t is something that stems from their earlier days, when their label and management did seem to have a lot of control.

It is very important to take note of time passing and of situations changing and I feel that is lacking in Larry fandom. A lot of people hold on to what once was without leaving much room for new developments.

The same thing goes for Tkk. I just try to go with what Tae and Jk show us. I think they have continued to show us their closeness so at this moment I have little reason to doubt that they’re together. When that changes (and not to bring down the mood or something, but we do not know how enlistment and being apart will effect them) I will still go with what I see and accept if I feel they have broken up. If at any point one of them announces an engagement or marriage.. I’ll take that to mean they split up or that maybe we were wrong (depending on context).

You always have to do with the information you get. In this situation it’s always possible that at one point something comes to light that changes our perspective. For me Taennie wasn’t that, but for some it was. For me Tae and/or Jk denying Tkk probably will be, others might still carry on.

My ultimate proof of Tae and Jk being together will be when I see both of them come out in 10+ years or so. If they make it so far ofcourse.. otherwise I’ll probably forever wonder 😂. But it’s not that important for me to get ultimate proof of them together. In the end what I want is for them to be happy, whether it’s with each other romantically or platonically.

#this is the last lrry ask for now #taekook #fandom shenanigans

[drbased]

Another go at taking something apart

Here I am, having fun again. Let's go over this, shall we:

What is being labelled here as 'radical feminism' is literally just feminism. The rhetoric that 'led to transphobia' is just... feminist rhetoric. There is absolutely zero difference in rhetoric I have seen between classic feminism and what is labelled 'radical feminism' today. Liberal feminism, as we know it, has opted to take a position that is antithetical to most feminist points. A keen-eyed reader may think 'hey, if what you're saying/doing is literally the opposite of what feminism recognises and suggests, then that sounds like anti-feminism'. Funny, that. But no, we have to present this image of radical feminism as the cursed form of feminism that is splintered off from the normal feminism.

Classical feminist understanding takes a typical leftist approach of recognising an oppressor class and an oppressed class. If you believe that there was zero recognition of interlocking factors, then you're just showing your ignorance of feminist history, and also you haven't even read a single damn book. There are lots of versions of feminist thought, some more intersectional than others, but none of them stray away from the base recognition of the male oppression from women. They do this successfully without needed to make women 'ontological' victims (once again, we have an example of unecessary words thrown in to make OP sound academic and complex, because if you remove the word 'ontological' you're left with the clause 'women as victims and men as abusers' - it cuts a bit too deep when you say it that way, and it makes it harder to make (radical) feminists sound unreasonable. Funny, that. (Also, they also use the phrase 'simple asab' to achieve the same affect - minimising the impact of 'assigned sex at birth' aka sex on our social conditioning - aka socialisation. Sounds a pretty cowardly way to engage with politics, if you ask me.)

No radical feminist acts as if all women are the same. Feminism has achieved so much without needing to do this. But they have to keep asserting this. They have to take the blunt logic of feminism and mangle it, obfuscate and over-complicate it, then turn around and say that we're the ones who view things simply. It's this video in a nutshell - hey so want to pretend that they have the real complicated answer and that we have the conspiracy theory. It's projection, plain and simple.

They didn't really explain how what we say is 'fucking bioessentialism' but hey, it was asserted with confidence, so I guess it must be so. As for it leading to transphobia, well.... I guess it does, if you have a curiously broad definition of transphobia. There's no real reason why a feminist recognition of how men oppress women would automatically lead to the discrimination of trans people; women aren't the ones firing employees for being trans, or denying trans people housing or whatever. It's akin to the right-wing rhetoric of 'the immigrants are stealing your jobs': women are being blamed for the male neurotic need to keep bioessentialist ideas alive so they can justify why men deserve to oppress women. Any allowance of gender non-conformity or homosexuality means that men's little patriarchal house of cards falls down (in theory) - so they have to preserve this concept that men are from mars and women are from venus, and that that's a neutral fact. Feminist recognition of this bioessentialism and how it's used to naturalise the oppression of our sex is the same as how any oppressed group recognises their status. It does not require a leap into believing that trans people deserve to be harassed, or anything of the sort. But the TRAs have to keep up the narrative that it must be a guaranteed pipeline, because that's all they've got.

And there isn't a guaranteed pipeline. Not really. Sure, conservative hate groups can co-opt feminist rhetoric, just as any right-wing group can and does co-opt leftist rhetoric. I believe I know what they're referring to 'in the 80s' but I don't remember enough about it to comment (was it involving Gail Dines working for the CIA or something like that?). The thing is, I've seen them make these little leaps in logic over and over again; they never really can seem to explain why feminist recognition of biological sex actually leads to hatred and discrimination of trans people in any sort of material sense that would mark trans people as a specific, coherent oppressed class. Now, I do believe that trans people are part of an oppressed class of sorts - homosexual men with dysphoria are used as the seedy underbelly of patriarchy: a way for male homosexuality to function in secret so that the house of cards stays upright; meanwhile, dysphoric women have been discovered to be useful muddiers of the feminist/gay rights activist water, fracturing the movements from within. Also the transgender movement has resulted in the mass sterilisation of many people who would have considered themselves gay/lesbian in a previous era - now they're considering themselves straight and trans. Is that really fighting some sort of bioessentialism, or is it conforming to it?

There is a real issue with radical feminists allying with right-wing groups (I talk about that quite a lot), but I see it as a fracturing of the feminist consciousness and a lack of political awareness caused by the general political climate - including a poisoning of the leftist well by identity-driven anti-politics, such as choice feminism and genderism. I could be wrong, but with every feminist text I read all I can see is that 'transphobic' feminism is just regular feminism, and regular feminism as well know it survived pretty well as a broadly leftist movement for over a century. What I have also seen is that feminism has always been labelled as something bourgeois. Given that men have demonstrably oppressed women since the dawn of time, I'm always willing to give feminism - and LGB activism - the benefit of the doubt. Lord knows, men have so so much to gain from the demonisation of feminism and LGB activism, and it doesn't seem all-too-unlikely to me that men would use whatever angle they can to try to destroy them. Leftist men are still men, and men are still the oppressor class - no need to be ontological about it. So tell me, TRAs, are you intersecting feminism with all the other issues you care about? Why do you think liberal feminism has failed, or is radical feminism the only feminism successfully poisoned by right-wing politics designed to support the oppressor class?

#my writing

[thoughtdump]

Frustrating as fuck to see Evgenia’s statement on the ban of Russian athletes because I saw her as one of the more sensible/progressive Russian athletes….

They either really do not understand why their athletes are being banned or they do & they don’t give a shit/are being made to say pro-Russian statements. Either way, this whole victim persona they all put on is so fucking ridiculous. The only victims these athletes are are to their own countries abusive regime. Not any other country, not the IOC or ISU, nobody else but Russia. Don’t want to be banned? Have your government not start a genocide on Ukrainian people. Don’t want to have your team medal taken away? Don’t drug 15 year olds. Want your country to be represented? Don’t have a state run doping system where you cheat & lie & steal & expect everyone to just be okay with it because you’re you & we should all bow down to the “motherland”. Do you see any other country doing this shit? You know damn well if it were ANY other country who has the doping abuse Russia does that Russians would be beyond pissed off, throwing their tantrums & everything else because “it’s unfair”. Because guess what …!!! It IS unfair!!!!

And as for the reason they’re banned, the war, you are NOT the victims here. Ukrainian people & children are dying, they’re being raped & slaughtered & dumped around like garbage & their homes, lives, everything they’ve known & loved are being destroyed by YOUR government so shut the fuck up about being “migrants.” Especially when Ukrainian’s are forced to be literal Migrants because of Putin! Wtf! To even compare yourself to such a serious, very real humanitarian crisis is so beyond comprehension. How dare you. You’re so out of touch with reality it’s actually mind blowing. & I feel sorry for Russians who get this fucking brainwashed because it’s not fair to them & it’s not right. Even I gave them more credit but the distortion & overall Stockholm Syndrome of some Russians is so fucking sickening.

So many of us, myself included, tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, tried to cover all the bases as to why they say & think what they do. Is it all the propaganda & brainwashing? Or do they know better? Is it a statement they’re being told to make against their will? Or is it how they truly feel. Was she the vessel they used to spread this message because she did make seemingly anti-war posts so this is her “punishment”? Or do they just need their money now so they don’t care about the war anymore. Do they even know the truth at all? Can you blame them if they don’t know the truth? Is the silence because they can’t say anything? Or is it because they simply don’t want to. No matter the reason, at this point it’s too exhausting to try & hear them out when this type of shit keeps happening. It goes without saying that it’s not every Russian, I know that. The same way it isn’t every citizen of every country that has issues but my god. Two things can be true at once, we can know that they’ve been brainwashed & also not put up with their shit. I have no more patience for them anymore.

Russian athletes should not be allowed to compete & you fucking know it. IMAGINE, if the tables were turned. Hypocrites. No one wants you there because people don’t like cheaters & they want a fair chance at medals. Some of us don’t have to abuse, drug & treat our athletes like machines rather than humans to win medals. Take away all your cheating/abuse & you’re nothing. (& no, I’m not saying abuse doesn’t exist in other places because I know it does & I’m not saying none of the Russian skaters are naturally very talented because of course they are but come on) The ISU/IOC/whoever shouldn’t have even given you the right to be called ROC or OAR or any other bullshit “non representative” label they give you after Sochi just to appease you. There are real fucking issues in the world, people dying & Evgenia’s entitled statement, along with all the other Russian athletes who have done similar shit is so disappointing. Especially from Evgenia for me.

Nobody cares about Russian athlete’s feelings while their Ukrainian neighbors have to wonder if they or their loved ones will be alive for tomorrow. Get over yourselves, take it up with your own federation/country since they’re the problem here, not the rest of the functioning world. This is real life. (I understand that they’re put in such horrendous situations because of their government. I know that speaking out against Russia is serious & they’re in very tricky spots in regards to that but still, others have & regardless, that’s my whole point. It’s sad.)

💙💛

#figure skating #russian figure skating #evgenia medvedeva #Евгения Медведева #sorry about THAT rant #I’m just so sick of it & have a lot of feelings lol #I also do understand that it’s Russia & Russia is dangerous & that they can’t speak out #but unless she was forced to make this statement then she didn’t HAVE to #eteri tutberidze #team tutberidze #kamila valieva #Камила Валиева #alina zagitova #anna shcherbakova #алина загитова #анна щербакова

[lastbluetardis]

Sacred New Beginnings (15/?)

Summary: James Noble thought he traded away his chance at love and a happy-ever-after when he signed a contract with a record label that turned him into an international celebrity. But a chance meeting in a dive bar may prove him wrong.

Ten x Rose AU

This Chapter: Explicit, ~6100 words

AO3 || Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11 | Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 |

Their tea is drunk and they’ve spoken all the words that have to be said, so there is no reason for James to stay. And yet, he finds he doesn’t want to leave. He has missed her, and there is still that knot of anxiety ballooned behind his ribs, screaming at him that he nearly lost her forever, and surely if he leaves, she’ll disappear for good.

Rose either senses his reluctance or feels the same way, because rather than let him fumble through an awkward goodbye or suggest he leave for the night, she invites him to stay and watch a film.

“We could just… be together for a little while?”

He has never agreed to anything more quickly in his life, which is how he ends up on her couch with Rose tucked into his side, her arms around his middle, her head pillowed against his shoulder. He basks in the warmth of her body against his and can’t help but plant kisses to her hair every few minutes.

They watch a sci-fi thriller that neither of them have seen, but James’s focus is the woman curled beside him: she actually forgave him… she wants to continue seeing him, to date him. Part of him is convinced he is having an alcohol-induced hallucination, and that he’ll wake up on the floor surrounded by empty bottles, alone. It’s only by tucking his nose into her hair and breathing her in that he banishes those fears and grounds himself in the present.

She is here. She is real. They are real.

He regrets not paying closer attention to the film, because it actually is really good, from the moments he watched, but the exhaustion of the last week catches up to him, and he dozes off, at first lightly, then deeply.

He doesn’t awake until much later, when the television has gone black from inactivity. It takes him a moment to gather his senses and pull his phone from his pocket to check the time.

12:45am

He blinks dumbly at the screen until it goes dark. How the hell did he sleep on Rose’s couch for three entire hours?! Why didn’t Rose wake him? Upon glancing down at her, he gets his answer: she is as fast asleep as he was two minutes ago.

He is loath to wake her, but the arm wrapped around her is completely numb and stiff, and he’s got an awful crick in his back. As he slowly straightens and retracts his arm from around her, she stirs, shifting away from him and digging her fists into her eyes.

“Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. I did too. It’s past midnight. I’ll get out of your hair, let you get to bed.”

But before he can text Danny to come pick him up, Rose says, “You can stay, if you want. We’ve shared a bed before. It’s just sleeping.”

He wordlessly agrees, and follows her to her bedroom. It’s exactly what he expected from her: clothes are strewn around the floor (which she hastily picks up and shoves into an overflowing laundry basket); knickknacks and perfume bottles line the top of her dresser; and her walls are covered in decorations of photos of her friends and family. He doesn’t recognize any of the people in the photographs, but God, he wants to. He wants to know each person she loves and he wants to know where she met them and how she became friends with them.

“Sorry for the mess,” she mumbles, red-cheeked. “Didn’t expect anyone to see this.”

“It’s fine,” he promises.

They awkwardly work around each other, taking turns using the loo and freshening up. He wishes he had a toothbrush, but makes do with mouthwash. When he returns to her bedroom, she is dressed in a huge baggy t-shirt that hangs mid-thigh. His mouth goes dry to see the long, smooth expanse of her legs, gaze following the line of her body to the curve of her waist then the swell of her breasts.

“Is this all right?” she asks, as though he hadn’t slept naked beside her a few short weeks ago.

“You’re beautiful,” he blurts, delighting in the pinkening of her cheeks and the pleased smile that lights up her face.

While Rose ducks past him to use the loo, James strips down to his underpants, folds his clothes neatly, and sets them on the floor. He climbs into her queen-sized bed and basks in her scent as it cradles and caresses him from all around, calming the ever-present humming of his mind.

She joins him a moment later. At first, he lies stiffly, unsure of what to do with himself or how to position his long limbs, until he asks, “Can we have a cuddle?”

Rose chuckles quietly in the dark and replies, “I’d hoped we could.”

He breathes out a laugh and, in near-perfect synchronicity, they arrange themselves until he is spooning behind her, his arms locking her into his chest. He stifles a moan to feel so much of her body pressing into him.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers into her neck, pressing a soft kiss there.

“So have I. I’m glad you’re here.”

He kisses her again, then murmurs, “Do you want to hang out with me tomorrow? We could… I dunno… go on a date? And maybe… I’m having dinner with my mum tomorrow night. You could… come too? If you want?”

God, he sounds like a bumbling idiot, tripping over his words to try to get a pretty girl to go out with him.

“You want me to meet your mum?” she asks, shifting slightly in his arms to glance back at him.

“Yeah, I do. And I know she’d love to meet you.”

Rose stares blankly at him, before understanding dawns on her face. “You’ve told your mum about me.”

It’s not a question, but he nods, regardless. “At first, I told her what I told the media, but she has an uncanny way of seeing through me. I told her everything about us last weekend, when I got your letter. She’s the one who told me to try to talk to you. She’ll be thrilled I actually did it. So… will you have dinner with us? Please?”

After the span of a few heartbeats, she nods. He beams and presses a kiss of thanks to her lips; she smiles into the kiss, but the angle is too awkward for her to reciprocate. When she pulls away, he thinks she’s going to settle back down and try to sleep. Instead, she pivots in his arms to face him, and goes in for another kiss, holding the back of his neck to keep him close.

Their mouths move leisurely, pushing and pulling and stoking a simmering heat low in his belly. He is keeping himself on a tight leash, lest he push for more than she is willing to give. His hands are stationary, with one splayed between her shoulder blades and the other at the small of her back. He should really put an end to this before he gets too carried away, but kissing Rose is intoxicating. How could he ever say no to these addictive kisses? How can he pull back when she is kissing him like he’s the sole focus in her world?

It’s made worse (by worse, he means so much better) when she slings her leg around his waist to pull him closer. Her shirt rides up a bit, and the semi-hardon he’s sporting brushes against the front of her knickers, pulling a soft gasp from her. He shudders, pressing closer, and a traitorous hand sneaks up the hem of her shirt to touch her bare back.

“Tell me to stop, and I will,” he promises as he traces abstract lines up and down her spine. “You said you wanted to just sleep.”

“I severely underestimated my restraint,” she retorts, twisting her fingers into his hair to angle his head back so she can kiss the column of his throat. He groans when she scrapes her teeth along his Adam’s apple, then licks the same patch of skin. 

“I can leave,” he croaks, though that is the last fucking thing he wants in the world. “If you don’t want this…”

“I want this,” she interrupts. “I want you. Please.”

“This isn’t what I came here for,” he protests weakly, barely able to think through the raw desire flooding his senses. He has never wanted someone so badly, and his body is screaming for more, more, more. “I don’t want you to think that.”

“I’m the one who invited you to stay the night,” she counters, though she disengages her mouth from his neck. “But we can stop.”

He doesn’t respond. His body aches for her touch, his mouth longs for her kisses. But this isn’t how it was supposed to go. He isn’t supposed to fall back into her bed and have her regret it come morning when her mind isn’t addled by lust and desire.

Soft fingers touch his face, pulling gently until he is forced to meet her gaze. Her eyes are dark and her lips are red and kiss-swollen, but the sincerity in her face is genuine and it crumples his resolve.

“Don’t overthink it,” she says, stroking his cheekbone. “Do you want this?”

“Yeah. But… I didn’t come here for this.” I’m not trying to use you.

She smirks and tweaks his nose. “I figured if you had, we wouldn’t have bothered with the film and fallin’ asleep on the couch.”

A grin steals across his lips, quieting the doubts and fears that are screaming at him. She beams right back and asks, “We’re good?”

“We’re good.”

And oh, God, they’re more than good, they’re brilliant.

The moment he gives in, his body takes over. He no longer keeps his hands and hips to himself, no longer tries to keep from pushing his growing erection into her. They’re made for this, to be like this, basking in the glorious pleasure of intimacy. Together, they work her out of her shirt and knickers and him out of his pants until there is nothing left between them.

He falls into the perfect space between her thighs and lets himself re-explore every glorious inch of her. He’d thought they’d never get to have this again, and he swears he will never take anything about her for granted again. Every moment with her is a gift, and he plans on worshiping it.

Any lingering grogginess from their accidental nap on the sofa is long gone, and he’s sure he could spend the next few hours getting lost in her kisses. Their mouths move lazily, without a care in the world. She threads her fingers through his hair, scratching his sensitive scalp, and smiles into his mouth whenever he moans.

He runs his hands all along her body, teasing at her breasts and between her thighs in an alternating pattern until she reaches between them to take him in hand and line him up.

“C-condom,” he grits out, shuddering at the tantalizing sensation of her wet heat.

“Got an IUD,” she replies, stroking him slowly and rubbing the tip of him through her. “But there’s some in the nightstand.”

Voices scream in his head to get a condom. She could be lying, trying to trick him into getting her pregnant so he would be forever tied to her and he would be paying her exorbitant monthly payments and…

He squeezes his eyes shut as though that will quiet his mind, and he breathes deeply to ground himself, to stay in his wonderful moment with Rose.

“I’m clean, but maybe you’d prefer to use a condom ‘til I can show you I’m not carrying anything,” she continues. “Wait, are you clean? I’m not gonna wake up with gonorrhea am I?”

This conversation is so at odds with the fact that he’s a dick-length away from being inside her that he can’t help but giggle somewhat madly until she’s cackling too. He drops his head to her collarbone as he laughs and laughs until he can hardly breathe.

“No, you won’t wake up with gonorrhea,” he wheezes. “Chlamydia is a different story though.”

She swats his arse. “Twat. Do you want a condom or not?”

“You’ve got an IUD?” he confirms.

“Had one since I was eighteen.”

He nods, and moves with her guidance to slide into her inviting heat. Sparks sizzle down his spine, setting every nerve alight with sensation. He fists his hands into her sheets as he holds himself still for her.

“You feel so good,” she sighs, scratching her nails up and down his sides. “So fucking good.”

He leans down and catches her lips in a fiery kiss that empties his mind of anything but her. She is everything, everywhere. She is as timeless as the universe, as beautiful as the stars, and he gets lost in her constellations, tracing the planes of her body with his lips and fingertips.

They move as one, flexing together, their slick skin slipping and sliding against each other. He’s lost in the sensations, the feel of being encased so wholly inside of her while her arms and legs clamp around him, as though she’s afraid he’ll stop and pull away.

She begins to quiver and quake, her breaths quickening as he arches his hips deeper, harder. Her nails dig into his back as she pulls him in with each thrust, and he knows this is it. She’s panting, moaning wordlessly as she arches her head back into the pillow, cheeks flushed, eyes shut, mouth lax…

“Fuck,” she whimpers, clenching around him in a spasm. “Fuck!”

She cries out her pleasure, looking so fucking beautiful that he knows he won’t last much longer. He bends down and kisses her throat, his saliva adding to the fine film of sweat that has beaded there. He grunts at the familiar, exhilarating pressure building low in his belly, clenching deeper and deeper.

She tangles her fingers through his hair and pulls him up for a sloppy kiss.

“You’re so good at this,” she whispers, her voice raw. “Make me feel so good.”

“Rose…” It’s all he can manage. His body takes over, setting into a perfect rhythm that has his vision whiting out and his muscles clenching in anticipation.

He groans through gritted teeth as he releases into her, tremors rocketing through him and stealing his breath. He shivers, pressing as deep as he can go to chase the high that comes in throbbing, pulsing waves.

Rose holds him through it, clinging to him just like she’d done when she’d come, and fuck if that isn’t the sexiest fucking thing in the world. He buries his face into her neck, breathing in her scent and the smell of them as he succumbs to the sensations that have overwhelmed him so thoroughly.

He isn’t sure he can recall his own name by the time the shaking stops. Unable to hold himself up, he pulls out of her and collapses beside her, curling into her to keep their bodies fused. But she strokes his hair away from his sweaty forehead and gives him a quick kiss before rolling away from him.

“No,” he mumbles, fumbling to catch her arm.

“I’ll be back,” she promises. “Gonna use the loo… I’d rather not get a UTI, ta.”

He mopes but lets her go, instead curling around her pillow to satisfy the urge to bury himself into her. She returns a moment later and slips into bed beside him. The moment she settles, he angles half of his body on top of her and catches her lips in a deep kiss. She hums into the kiss and holds him close. Hormones are still sparking through his bloodstream, making for a luxurious afterglow of pleasure.

“That was amazing,” he whispers between kisses.

“Yeah, it was. You’ve been the best lover I’ve ever had.”

He preens at that, pleased that his experience has paid off and relieved that Rose didn’t meet him ten years ago when he’d had no clue how to make sex pleasurable for a woman. There had been many uncomfortable conversations with several unsatisfied partners, and much fumbling when he asked his partners to show him what to do.

“I’m glad you think so. Wasn’t always the case.”

“We’ve all got to start somewhere,” she drawls.

James snorts, then leans in for another kiss before tucking an arm beneath Rose’s shoulders and pulling her into his side. She willingly goes, letting out a sweet little sigh as she rests her head on his chest, overtop his heart. She drapes one leg over his and an arm around his ribs, anchoring herself into him. There are so many points of contact between them, making his skin sing. Gentle, comforting warmth suffuses his entire being as they lie together in this perfect afterglow.

He can’t believe he’s here, that they are here, when, just a few short days ago, he hadn’t known if he would ever see her again. There is no doubt he is falling head-over-heels for this beautiful woman beside him, despite knowing her for only a month.

And it’s funny, how he can know so much about her yet so little. He knows that she loves books and she loves sharing literature with her students and she loves when he nips at the soft patch of skin below her ear, and yet…

“What’s your favorite color?” he blurts, because he couldn’t begin to narrow it down even if his life depended on it.

She tilts her head up to look at him, faint amusement dancing across her face. “Pink. Or red. You?”

“It rotates between blue and brown,” he answers.

“Brown? That’s a new one. Blue’s understandable—it’s soothing. But… brown?”

“Brown is warm,” he says simply. “It’s the warmth of a cup of coffee, or the heat of a long walk down a dirt path in the middle of summer, or the contrast of tree trunks in the middle of a snowstorm.”

It’s the joy of your eyes when you smile at me.

Rose flashes that same smile at him, full of wonder and discovery.

“I’d never thought of it that way,” she says, and leans up to kiss the underside of his jaw. “Least favorite color?”

“Ooh. Hmm. Not sure I’ve got one. There’s beauty in every color. Orange, I guess, if I had to pick something. It’s a very loud color. Like a traffic cone or something.”

Rose giggles into his chest, and he pinches her side, making her squeal and squirm.

“All right, clever clogs, what’s your least favorite color then?” he retorts, still pinching her lightly to keep hearing her laugh.

“I dunno,” she manages, breathless. “I only asked you ‘cos I wanted ideas.”

“Oi, that’s cheating!”

He pinches her again, and when she squirms away from him, he follows, rolling atop her. Her cheeks, which had faded back to their normal creamy color, flare pink, then crimson as he settles between her thighs. The flush spreads down her neck, looking so inviting that he can’t help but lean down and kiss the hollow of her throat. She sighs and tilts her head back, resting her palms on his back and scratching lightly.

“Did you have a favorite vacation spot as a kid?” he asks into her skin.

“We didn’t have much money when I was growin’ up, but Mum always managed to save enough to take us to a summer holiday in Wales every year. Swansea. I always looked forward to it. Even when I was a moody teenager who wanted nothing to do with my mum, I still loved those trips. They stopped when mum met her new husband, and we went to fancier places ‘cos he could afford it. Part of me misses those summer holidays.”

“Why don’t you tell her?” he asks quietly.

“And be ungrateful that Dad takes us to tropical beaches and snowy ski resorts? Nah, it’s fine. Just some nostalgia. Mum and I go away, just the two of us. We went to Spain two weeks ago, remember?”

He hums, and returns his attention to kissing her neck, careful not to leave any lingering marks.

“Did you get to take any holidays as a kid?” she asks, her throat vibrating with her words.

“Not with my mum,” he answers. “But there was a little old couple who lived across the street who had a grandson around my age, so they’d often take me on trips with them. Nowhere exciting. But every summer we went fishing or hiking or camping. Y’know, typical manly pastimes. I never left the UK unless it was a school trip.”

Rose begins laughing. “Oh, God… when I was thirteen, we had a school trip to the Louvre to go look at some posh paintings and get cultured—” James can hear the sarcasm and eye-roll in her voice, and he smiles to himself— “but me and my mate Shareen weren’t interested. We claimed we needed the loo, and we instead left the museum completely and caught a bus to a theme park instead. We managed to have fun for about an hour or so before the police found us and we had to admit we ditched a school trip. Mrs. Kissock came to collect us to bring us home; she was furious, as she’d never been to the Louvre before. Pretty sure we were forbidden to go on any school trip ‘til the next school year.”

He can’t hold back his laughter either. He looks up from her neck to meet her sparkling, dancing eyes.

“What a rebel,” he teases. “I never would’ve pegged you as a naughty student.”

“Wait ‘til you hear about the time I convinced the school choir to go on strike. ‘Kay, your turn… When did you have your first kiss?”

“Hang on!” he whines. “You can’t say that and expect us to move on. I want to hear about Rose Tyler leading a choral strike!”

“Fine, but you owe me two questions, then,” she says, then launches into the tale of how she was sick of the choir teacher playing favoritism by selecting the annual soloists from a pool of students whose parents donated the most money to the choir program. Despite there having been better talent, the teacher never considered anyone else, and so Rose had a chat with the rest of the choir one day during rehearsals and said the soloist wouldn’t sound nearly as good if the rest of the choir didn’t harmonize with her.

“It was a few weeks before the Christmas concert,” Rose says, a far-off look in her eye, “and the soloist had just been announced. A girl called Lynda, whose mum and dad donated enough money to the program to buy brand new pianos. But as we were practicing for the solo, everyone stopped. No background vocals, no harmonies, no piano. Nothing but her and her voice. It somehow got connected back to me that I instigated the whole thing so I got suspended for a couple days. The students carried on the strike for the rest of the week, and when I got back, Lynda dropped out of the soloist role. Turns out she didn’t realize she was one of the only two students who were allowed to audition for the solo.”

“Good for her for doing the right thing. Shame on that choir director though.”

“Yeah, he got sacked at the end of that school year for takin’ a share of the donations for himself.” Rose rolls her eyes. “Wanker.”

James stares at the marvelous woman beneath him, and as his mind traces her face, he imagines her as the teenager she was in the stories she’d shared. Fiery and tenacious, despite her youth. He’s seen glimpses of that woman in his short time with her, whenever she’s told him off, but not nearly enough of it. He knows he intimidates people, no matter how he tries to put them at ease; he doesn’t want that sort of rapport with his romantic partner. How can he erase the disparity between them? How can he show her that she doesn’t need to hide from him, that he wants to know all of her, experience all of her?

“One last question, then I promise it’s your turn for questions. If you were in the choir, that means you like to sing.” He tries to be casual, but inside he’s brimming with excitement. He already knows they have similar music tastes, as evidenced by the playlist they’d listened to on their drive to the Renaissance Faire, but does she, too, share in his passion for music? He suddenly aches to hear her sing, to dance with her while they belt out off-key lyrics to songs they only half-know because they’re trying to make each other laugh, and…

“Yeah, but not in front of people.” She flicks his nose and continues, “And especially not in front of world-famous singers.”

He frowns at her. “Don’t say that. Don’t use me as an excuse to not do something you love. Music is joyous and something to be shared… don’t refuse to sing because of me.”

Rose holds his gaze for a few silent seconds, then lets hers drift up to the ceiling.

“It would feel like showing Bob Ross a stick figure drawing,” she mumbles.

“Bob Ross would be the first person to praise any art anybody makes, because he lives for the joy of art. Just because you aren’t perfect at something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. If art and music and dancing bring you joy, do it, no matter how terrible you are at it. I’m not that good at dancing, but sometimes I can’t help myself when I’m on stage. It makes me happy.”

He moves up her body until he’s nose to nose with her. “Rooooose. Promise me you’ll keep singing even when I’m around.”

She squeezes her eyes shut tighter, but a faint smile has crossed her lips. “We’ll see. That might be a tenth-date kinda thing.”

He grins. “Then I’ll be sure to take you on six more dates tomorrow.”

Rose snorts, but she opens her eyes and, quick as a thought, leans up to peck a delicate kiss to the tip of his nose. “Now that you’ve stalled long enough, tell me about your first kiss.”

In emphasis, she plants a kiss to his lips then settles back into the pillows to listen.

“It was terrible. Very unlike kissing you.” He brushes his lips to hers once more, then pulls back to launch into the story. “I was thirteen, so was she. She was in my maths class. Jabe, her name was. She was clever and funny, and I was really smitten with her. I started walking her home after school. After a few days, we started holding hands. After a few weeks, I told her I really wanted to kiss her, and so we tried it. It was so bad I nearly ran away. I had no clue what to do, I just knew people put their lips together. I didn’t realize I could, y’know, move my lips. So I just sorta… stood there, hands at my sides, and so did she. I pulled back after about five seconds because it was so underwhelming and awkward.”

Rose begins giggling and ruffles his hair. “Oh, you poor thing.”

The thirteen-year-old boy who still exists in his memories cringes at the reminder of his first kiss, while his twenty-six-year-old self snorts. “Not my best moment. We agreed it was weird, but we tried it again to see if we could master it. We were brilliant, after all. Surely we could conquer something so mundane as kissing.”

Their second try had been marginally better, but it was only when they both realized they could move their mouths and their bodies that it became incredible. It was as if a switch had been flicked in him; he listened to his body, and wrapped his arms around her because he’d wanted to. He’d pressed himself closer because it had felt nicer. He’d angled his head to the side because it was more comfortable. She, too, had been more active, holding the back of his neck and touching his waist. Sloppily, they’d experimented with moving their lips and trying to find some sort of rhythm. It wasn’t perfect, but it was much improved.

He summarizes all of that for Rose, then falls quiet, content to trail dozens of tiny kisses along her collarbone.

“What happened to her?” she asks, sighing at the press of his mouth.

“We dated for a couple months, but like most teenage romances, it fizzled out. We stayed friends throughout most of school, but drifted apart when we went to uni. She’s an architect now. She got married two or three years ago, and had a baby not long after. When I first got famous, she messaged me to congratulate me on everything.”

“I’m glad it was an amicable breakup,” Rose muses, stroking his hair. “God knows I’ve seen enough drama in the school corridors to write a soap opera.”

James snorts. He’d experienced enough relationship drama to write a soap opera. He supposes he already does, though, just in the form of music instead.

“What was your first kiss like?” he asks.

“More of the same,” she replies. “We were both thirteen, too. I’d seen loads of kissing, either ‘cos of men my mum dated or on the telly, so I sort of knew what to do. It was all right, but he used too much tongue and insisted that’s the way girls liked it. I pretended to like it so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings. We dated for about a month. He was the school bad boy, and had gotten into trouble for starting a couple of food fights. I thought it was so cool.” She laughs and shakes her head. “The excitement of him wore off pretty fast.”

“He sounds like a real charmer,” James drawls.

Rose pinches his waist, making him squeak. “Right, you owe me another answer. What are some foods you can’t stand?”

Time means nothing as they continue to swap stories, sharing pieces of themselves in little morsels. They don’t touch upon anything too serious, electing instead to try to find the most bizarre, obscure fact to share with the other.

He shares that he hates sushi because raw, cold fish grosses him out and makes him gag. She shares that, when she was twelve, she and her mate Shareen—who James desperately wants to meet, since most of Rose’s stories seem to involve her—filched a bottle of wine from Rose’s mum’s collection to bring to a party they were sneaking out to attend, but they’d drunk the entire bottle themselves and fell asleep in Rose’s living room instead.

“Mum was so furious,” Rose recalls, laughing. “We’d nicked an expensive bottle she’d been saving for a dinner date she was having later that week.”

James tells her that he never had a pet when he was growing up, because they couldn’t afford it. Rose admits she brought home a bunch of stray cats because she couldn’t stand how skinny they all looked wandering around the estate, but she accidentally caused a flea infestation in their flat.

Laughter is a constant sound in her bedroom, sprinkled among the wet kisses they exchange and the sighs whenever they get too carried away with said kissing. James’s desire has long since been rekindled, but he would be content to do nothing more than kiss her and talk with her for the rest of the night. It is so freeing to share in this quiet, intense intimacy of storytelling. When was the last time he’d shared any of these memories with anyone? It unsettles him that he doesn’t know of a single soul who has heard what he has told Rose tonight.

“Wanna go again?” Rose murmurs into his lips when he lets out a grunt because his erection rubbed just perfectly along her hip.

“Yeah… do you?”

“’Course.”

He stops trying to keep his cock to himself (not that he was succeeding, anyway) and lets himself kiss her more deeply, more forcefully. She matches his fervor, lips moving in perfect rhythm with his.

“Wanna try a new position?” he asks when she takes him in hand. “What’s your favorite?”

“Don’t actually have one. They’re all good, as long as my partner is good. Mind if I go on top this time for a bit?”

He dutifully shifts off of her, mirroring her as he reclines back against her mound of pillows. He selfishly watches her sit up and straddle him, enjoying the bouncing of her breasts with her movements. She beautifully flushed, as he’s sure he is.

She expertly sinks down on him, sending shudders through his body as his nerve endings spark with pleasure. His sigh echoes her own, and she closes her eyes and bites her lip as she seats herself on him, taking him as deep as he can go.

“Love this,” he croaks, trying to breathe evenly and steadily, as though he is not fighting the impulse to thrust up into her for that delicious, addictive friction.

“Me too.”

Rose leans down to catch his lips in a messy, sloppy kiss that feels so fucking incredible that he holds her closer for more. She moans into his mouth, and slowly begins to move.

Neither of them are in a rush. It’s just like their first night together, the way they go from one position to another. Rose was telling the truth: she seems to be enjoying herself thoroughly, no matter how they’re joined. Through it all, their hands and lips explore each other lazily, as though they’ve got all the time in the world. It doesn’t matter that the clock on her wall tells him that it’s half past two in the morning; he wants to exist forever in this moment with Rose.

He manages to push her over the edge of ecstasy twice before he joins her, grunting and moaning into her shoulder blade as he thrusts from behind her. A small part of him regrets that he’s finishing like this, because he is desperate to feel Rose’s arms around him, holding him tightly as he releases into her, but the rest of him is too caught up in the toe-curling, mind-numbing pleasure that consumes him.

When the shaking stops, he pulls out of her and fumbles to take her into his arms. They crash inelegantly onto the mattress, but James doesn’t care because she has folded him into a close embrace as she kisses him deeply. He groans as aftershocks overwhelm him, and he could almost swear he could come again just like this. But he doesn’t—the intensity recedes after a few moments, and their kisses calm as well.

He’s exhausted and wrung out, and Rose is too. When they clean up again, this time it’s for good. They collapse beneath the sheets together, tangled in a heap of limbs because they can’t bear an inch of separation between their hormone-riddled bodies.

“You comfy?” she asks, speech slurred as though she’s already half-asleep.

“Very,” he answers. “Thank you. For tonight. For everything. For giving me another chance.”

“Mmm. Don’t blow it, mister.”

She pokes his belly menacingly, though the action is at odds with the adorable yawn that scrunches her face. He smiles and brushes a kiss to the top of each of her eyelids, then the tip of her nose, then finally her mouth.

“I won’t,” he whispers, kissing her again. “I promise.”

“Good. G’night.”

She kisses the corner of his mouth, then tucks her face into his neck and inhales deeply. It takes all of two minutes before her breathing evens out and her arms go loose around him.

He keeps her in his arms, pillowing his cheek against the top of her head as he closes his eyes. His body is heavy and his muscles are stiff from exertion, but he’s happy. For the first night in over a week, there is not one dark thought clouding his mind, and he knows he has Rose to thank for that. He knows she isn’t a magical antidote, that she won’t erase all of the dark moods from his mind; but, God, she’s a perfect balm, keeping the worst of himself from overwhelming the best of himself.

I think I’m falling in love with you. That’s what he’d told her. But if he didn’t know any better, he’d swear it has already happened.

#doctor who #ficandchips #dwfic #ten x rose #ten x rose au #james x rose #romance #au #my fic #sacred new beginnings

[yournightowl]

Your Nightowl #025

Across every culture and throughout every time period, people like giant robots. The Colossus of Rhodes is basically a mecha. The statues constructed outside the pharaoh's tombs were also, basically, mecha. There's something about bigass robots that appeals to a deeply buried part of the human psyche. Maybe there's an evolutionary drive that compels us to want to be able to shake the earth with every stomp. They have to be giant, mind you- lots of people hate the little vacuumers or the waddling trashcans or toasters with feet of the world- But if it's big, humanoid, and very dangerous, it's guaranteed to be popular.

And now, as a self-labeled historian, living in a self-defined "bad future", i can shout this with confidence loud enough for it to echo back through history:

We have mechas now, and they suck. (◑v◐)

Going by the numbers, evaluating them as military assets- they suck. They're stomping, awkward, clumsy piece of equipment, good only for sinking excess budget into at the end of the fiscal year. Probably their biggest issue is their range; Jets can fly to the mission site, and trucks can carry lots of soldiers there, but mechs need to be ferried everywhere by some other piece of equipment- usually trains. And trains need tracks, and tracks are only built along certain common routes... you get the picture.

That problem's then compounded by the fact that almost all modern conflicts take place around the tropics. Lots of rain, heat, moisture, mud, and vegetation. The jungle's inhospitable enough as it is when you're a normal human (+_+)- So how well do you think a giant, rust-able, heavy-as-shit human would fare?

Even if they manage to finish a mission without getting stuck in the ground, (✿◠v◠) the maintenance is a nightmare. Water and dirt and critters can get into every crevice, and they're too goddamn big to tarp over.

So why do we even have them? 乁( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ °)ㄏ

On one level, I do think the budget-sink explanation is real. We have the money, so why not, right? if we don't spend it, that's money that's not circulating. You might think that that's a stupid reason to build weapons, but you have to remember- the world is run by stupid people, and a lot of them are also manchildren (in a gender-neutral sense).

But the thing is, manchildren are easily distracted and quick to move on. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ So you would think that their enthusiasm for giant robots would wane after the fourth or fifth time they saw their tricked-out hyper-mech fall flat on its face into quicksand.

So why do we even have them?

Mechs fare poorly in war conflict because of environmental factors. When you put them in a different environment, they perform their job quite well. And the conspiracy theorist inside can't be convinced it's an accident that the one environment mechs overperform in is the urban environment. They can quickly reposition on roads using the wheels built into their soles. They can actually take cover because there are buildings big enough for them to hide behind. (✿ ❛‿❛)ξ▄︻┻┳═一 Guerrilla attacks that would devastate infantry are like pinpricks against their armor. And a giant robot standing behind the police line is incredibly intimidating if you're just a protestor trying to find your courage to throw the first stone.

Bullet-proof, closed-circuit, and frightening as hell. The same mechs that do horribly in military service are unstoppable as police assets.

You've probably got the impression by now that i don't like mech fanboys (also gender-neutral), but i'm not feeling much schaudenfreude here. i take no pleasure in telling them that their childhood dream got corrupted a decade ago- turned into more window-dressing for the police state.

outside the pilot seat,

your nightowl

PS- i found a new name for mechs on an old engineering forum- Wankers. If your parents ask, it's short for "Walking Tanks."

#unfiction

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

it's so interesting to me that mental health and neurodivergence have long been interests of mine, and I've always looked at them from an "outside" perspective. not in a sense that I've looked down on them or thought they were "other" or anything like that, but I've just... always thought they were something I had no personal connection to? something that I had a mostly-academic interest in and no real ties to lived experience with.

but in the last few years, I've come to the slow realization that... I think mental health struggles and neurodivergence possibly run in (both sides of) my family?? and most of my extended family from previous generations would NEVER admit to it because they come from a time and culture where those things are kept very private and just not something you talk about. 

but like, I'm fairly certain that OCD runs through one side of my family. I know that tics/Tourette's do. I suspect that AD(H)D might as well. I also know there's at least one cousin who's already been diagnosed with autism, and I can see pretty clear autistic traits in multiple other family members on that same side of the family, including myself and my mother (some of the reasons I think this: I was speaking in full advanced sentences at about 18 months old, reading college-level literature at 8-9 years old, and at different points had to have sit-down conversations with my parents about needing to make a deliberate effort to make eye contact and refraining from "compulsively" talking about and comparing everything to a special interest. I was actually formally banned from talking about one media series I loved for a whole week, because it was literally all I talked about, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do at that point in my life. I struggled a lot with twitches/tics and repetitive behaviours when I was young; I still find it very easy to lapse back into those behaviours if I'm stressed or tired.) 

my mom has struggled with significant depression during various points of her life, as have I. at least one of my sisters has social anxiety; I suspect that my father does as well. I know one family member who likely has PTSD (due to experiences during military service) that's never been dealt with, and another (who was the victim of a violent crime) probably does, too.

and it's just... I've struggled to apply any of these labels to my own family because there's nothing official there. no doctors have assigned any titles or labels to us. I don't want to be the person who takes one college-level psych class and suddenly starts diagnosing everyone they know. but somehow, everything makes more sense when I start to look at the people around me, the ways they've been raised and have learned to operate in the world, and the ways that have in turn affected me, through these lenses? suddenly, we aren't just bizarre and dysfunctional, but our dysfunction has a rhyme and a reason.

and most importantly, I start to see hope. I see where the struggles and sins of my family members don't have to be repeated, where help can be asked for and received, because suddenly the real problems at the heart of all this mess have been uncovered, and instead of just trying to muscle through to prove my own worth, to show that I am worthy of a place in this world without needing any "special favours," I see where I can ask for grace and compassion and love and receive it.

#idk maybe none of this makes sense? #but I heard a family member say recently that another family member is incapable of showing affection #and that the same is true of their parent #and I worried that it might be true of me. that maybe people who could someday love me are destined to always be hurt and let down #because I'm incapable of showing love like they've said those others are #but... struggles to show care and affection in ways that other people (neurotypical people) can understand and accept #is a very common autistic trait #and so this all makes sense if there's a possibility that the people in question here are on the spectrum? #and not only does it comfort me that we're not just messed up. we're not just aliens or freaks or broken. #but there have been other people who have lived this way. and people who have lived with them. #there have been many people who have loved and been loved by autistic people (and people with other mental/neurodivergent issues) #and so maybe if I can just understand myself and the people who have created me as I am... maybe I can do life better than they did? #maybe I can avoid experiencing and inflicting some of the hurt? #and maybe I can reach a hand back through history and try to help them too? and if they're not around anymore #or if they can't really be helped like that #maybe at least honouring them by acknowledging them and trying to understand them and who they were... maybe that's worth something too? #neurodivergent #adhd #autism #idk even how to tag this y'all #2 a.m. ramblings with gurt are back #I may delete this in the morning but for tonight... #for tonight I just need to say all this and get it out of my mind so I can sleep