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misirosekisiro · 5 months

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The Identity Swap Mystery

Roid open the Station's door, as first day as cops in new town. He hope a welcome gaze form everyone. But when he enter, he notice that every one was look at him in wonder.

Even he feel wried, He just forget about that and heading to Captain's room to report himself to duty.

Captain greeted him warmly, telling him how happy they were to finally have some help in the precinct. Then he introduce other officer, shake hands with them all. Afterward, he explain his duties to him. It seems simple enough, mostly desk work at beginning, helping out with investigations as needed. His first task was sorting through a stack of old files need to update records.

Roid ask Captain about why everyone look at him in wonder.

“Oh, did you see our latest guest? He shares quite a remarkable similarity with someone else around here...you might wanna check it out later.” The captain chuckled lightheartedly before returning to reviewing case reports.

After finishing his paperwork, Roid went straight to visit Max, who has been held captive since the moment he arrived in the town. He wanted to know what had led to such a peculiar circumstance.

As he approached Max's cell, he couldn't believe his eyes – there sat a man who looked almost identical to him! He could feel his heart pounding, excitement filling him up.

"Hey," he said timidly upon entering the cell. "You must get this a lot."

Max raised an eyebrow in response, casting a glance at Roid, then smirking slightly. "Yep, I sure do," he replied mockingly.

"It's weird, isn't it?" There was something off about Max's tone and expressions—he seemed guarded yet eager to interact with Roid.

As hours passed, both men grew increasingly curious about their unexpected encounter. Roid started asking questions about Max's history, family, what state he has been so far. He try to connect a dot, Is he got a twin? butnothing fit. They talked further into the evening, discussing various aspects of their lives, finding common ground despite the superficial difference of appearance. As darkness enveloped the station, Roid felt reluctant to leave, not wanting to end this unique conversation prematurely. But he think, may he volunteer to bring Max to that State's prison. So he can talk with Max along the ways there.

So he decide to talk with Captain about this idea.

The Captain approve it immediately, seeing no reason to deny this unusual request.

During this ride, Roid asked many question about Max's crime, motives, plans etc., he want to understand fully about Max.

But Max being smart liar didn't give away much except the fact that he regretted getting caught. He claimed that he only tried to survive by doing whatever necessary. And also hinted he will make change once release again. These answer left Roid confused and fascinate more about this mysterious man sitting beside him.

On their journey to the state’s prison, they continued sharing stories about themselves, their backgrounds, and personal experiences. However, Max remained tight-lipped about specific details concerning his criminal activities. Nevertheless, the two shared moments of camaraderie, laughing together at times while reminiscing about their respective paths. As dusk fell, they pulled into a small diner near the border, feeling weary after days of driving.

They ordered food and took seats facing each other across the table. Their laughter echoed throughout the empty restaurant, drawing glances from patrons seated nearby.Despite growing tired, Roid felt drawn to continue the conversation with Max, driven by the thrill of understanding more about this extraordinary situation they shared.

Intrigued, Roid probed deeper into Max's life choices, attempting to discern the motivation behind his risky decisions. Despite these efforts, Max remained cryptic, leaving Roid bewildered but intensely engaged in learning more about him. As night descended outside, Roid decide to take a rest in Motel on small town ahead.

Royd asks to rent a room for one night. The hotel said there were only single rooms available. Roy hesitated, after all Max was a criminal.

Yet, he sensed a sense of brotherhood, having spent the entire trip talking intimately about their lives. He thought perhaps Max would appreciate company tonight, especially considering their strange bond. Besides, it wasn't completely safe for Max staying at the roadside motels. Roy figured it wouldn't hurt if he helped Max secure accommodation for the night.

"Guess we need to share bed tonight" Roid said.

"No problem" responded Max casually. Yet underneath this nonchalance, Roid noticed an underlying nervousness from Max. Perhaps because he had never imagined the possibility of ending up in a motel room, surrounded by strangers, alongside another person so similar to him. Still, as they lay side by side in the darkened room, the weight of loneliness lifted gradually from their shoulders. Inhaling deeply, exhaling slowly, they began drifting into slumber.

Sleep eluded Max. Restless, he tossed and turned beneath the thin blankets.

Meanwhile, unaware of Max's thought, Roid slipped into a deep sleep.

His body relaxed, releasing the pent-up stress accumulated from weeks of transition. Sliding effortlessly into dreamland, he encountered an ethereal landscape, rife with mystery and possibilities.

Max pretent to sleep,but he couldn't escape his own troubled thoughts. It's was time for his sinister schemes. His ambition fuelled him forward, emboldening him amidst fear and uncertainty. His determination knew no bounds; he sought solace in its iron clasp.

He mused upon the irony of fate bringing him face-to-face with his mirror image — a testament to his resourcefulness and adaptability in navigating the treacherous terrains of life.

Max contemplated his next moves. The journey to the state's prison provided ample opportunities for reflection and planning. The sound of Roid's snores reverberated softly , adding to the eerie atmosphere surrounding him. With each passing mile, the gap between reality and fantasy blurred further, as Max schemed his elaborate strategy for the future.

Roid lock Max's hands to bed's knob with handcuff. But he not even test that is it safe enough, or may he just trust in Max enough to laid on the bed, back to back with criminal.

It's was easy for Max to loose that bed's knob, and free himself, even both hands still on handcuff. Max turn his body to Roid's back. Roid now in just inner white t-shirt and tight blue brief.

He doesn't wear anything else. All his cops uniform and equipment place on the chair. He slowly move his arm around Roid's neck. Make sure it's not wake him. Another arm lock Roid arm to his chest. Move his body into a Roid's back. It's look like Max hug on Roid. But he slowly tighten his arm around Roid's neck. At firstRoid feels nothing odd about this. Then he awake and struggle. Max bring Roid bodycome on top of him. Bend his body up, make Roid struggle helplessly over his bend body. While struggle, Roid's ass wasgrinding down onto the crotch of his pants. Max's cock rock hard. feel so good while Roid body slowly stop moving.

Max pull his body above Roid's face. Look directly into Roid's eye. Show his cruel smile. Then press thumb and index fingers into Roid's right temple. Press harder until hear crack sound. Roid collapse on floor, losing consciousness completly.

Max carefully roll him onto his side to prevent suffocation. Glancing at his motionless form, Max takes pleasure in knowing he has successfully subdued his double. A grim smile forms on his lips, as he reflects on how easily he was able to deceive Roid.

Then he strip Roid form his white inner t-shirt and blue tight brief.

Max admire Roid's well sculptured body, smooth skin and perfect physical condition that came from years of intense training as a Cop. His hands traced the lines of muscles on Roid's arms, the curve of his abdominal area, the strength evident in his legs. This feeling of power surge through Max veins as he realized that Roid's body belonged to him now. But the time is short and he still need many thing to cover before Roid gain his conciousness.

First he take a key chain that Roid place at the chair, to free himself form handcuff. Then he use blanket to bound Roid, use is sock to gagged him.

Leave Roid lie in the middle of the cold floor, naked. Then Max dress himself in Roid's belongs. He start with Roid's brief. Max loves the way it fits him perfectly, showing off his assets. The fabric is soft against his skin, providing comfort and support.

As Max donned Roid's shirt, he could detect faint traces of his scent lingering within the fibres. The combination of sweat, soap, and masculine essence emitted a subtle yet distinct fragrance which filled Max with excitement. He savoured every moment, enjoying the sensations evoked by Roid's garments.

Then he pick up Roid's cops uniform shirt.Max's heart raced as he put it on. The material felt thick and heavy compared to his usual attire. Though initially bulky, it soon conformed to his figure. Then Roid's uniform pants,

they fit perfectly. The fabric was strong and durable, designed to endure long hours of duty without compromising comfort. They enveloped Max's lower half, accentuating his powerful thighs and calves. Each step he took seemed to amplify the authority bestowed upon him by the uniform.

Next, Max picked up Roid's sock.The worn fabric whispered tales of countless miles traversed and countless footsteps taken. Its odor was a mix of perspiration, dust, and leather – an olfactory symphony that spoke volumes about Roid's life as a law enforcer. Max held the sock close to his nose, breathing in the unique scent, allowing it to transport him mentally to places far beyond the confines of the motel room. After put Roid's sock, he move to Roid's shoe.

Max knows shoes can say a lot about someone, especially those who wore them daily. These boots looked like they've seen some action. They were worn, scratched, and covered in fine layers of dust. They were also surprisingly comfortable despite their age.

When Max stepped into Roid's shoes, he experienced a sudden shift in perspective. Everything changed—his posture, his bearing, his confidence. The transformation was instantaneous, as though he had been transformed into a different individual entirely. Donning Roid's uniform and accessories allowed Max to fully immerse himself in his role as the imposter cop.

Then he put all other equipment, most of them is attach to utilities belt also guns.

Max really enjoyed the feeling of being in control, wearing Roid’s full uniform. He started taking charge, feeling confident and authoritative. His walk became assertive, with each step carrying a hidden meaning known only to him.

As Max roamed the empty corridors of the building, he was reminded of the power and influence embedded within the badge affixed to his chest. And yet, he carried the weight of guilt, burdened by his dastardly scheme to usurp Roid's identity.

Without thinking twice, Max proceeded to execute his masterplan. He exit the room, Drive Roid's patrol car in to the town. People like Max know well where he can find something "Illigal"and "Dangerous". Soon he arrives at a seedy bar in town. As he steps inside, the smell of cheap alcohol, smoke, and sweaty bodies assaults his nostrils. Men lean against the walls, swaggering with bravado. Whispers float through the air, accompanied by the occasional slap of cards hitting the tabletop. Max maneuvered through the crowd, making sure to leave an impression of authority. Even in disguise, he was aware of the respect that the uniform commanded. He finally reached the bar counter, then ask the Bartender.

"I looking for "The Dealer" around here.", Bartender looking at him with distrustful eyes. Max know, these people not like a cops.

"No need to worried, I just want to buy a little trinkets he sell."

Max said, trying to appear nonthreatening while maintaining an air of authority. The bartender hesitated briefly, casting a suspicious glance at Max before muttering under his breath.

"Alright, follow me," he growled, pointing to a door in the corner of the dimly lit room. Max obediently followed the bartender through the darkened passageway.

Entering a small room illuminated by a single bare lightbulb, Max saw stacks of crates lining the walls.

There was a musty smell in the air, mingling with hints of spices, liquor, and stale cigarette smoke. Sitting on a rickety wooden chair sat the infamous drug dealer, He seem relax in the softchaise longue.

"Hey officer, whatcha need?" the dealer asked casually, breaking the silence.

"Your trinkets, a pill that will take aways people's memory.... forever"

Max responded with a sinister grin, concealing his true intentions. The drug dealer nodded, gesturing for Max to join him on the chaise longue across from his position.

Settling into the plush seat, Max couldn't help but notice the slight tremble in his own voice, fueled by the desperation he felt. The drug dealer smiled warmly at Max, displaying his knowledge of human nature.

"So you got a big problem you need solved?

Need someone memory erased permanently?" the dealer continued with a knowing smile. Max nodded gravely, his gaze fixated on the dealer, never wavering once. Trust is essential in such transactions, and Max knew he needed to convey utmost seriousness if he wanted to succeed.

The drug dealer rose gracefully from his recliner, signaling to Max to follow him. Moving stealthily amidst the labyrinth of boxes and containers, the duo eventually emerged into a large storage room teeming with various illegal substances.

Intricate patterns adorned numerous bottles containing mysterious potions, while rows of barrels brimming with exotic plants hinted at the diversity of items available for purchase.

Under the watchful eye of the dealer, Max navigated the treacherous terrain with caution, searching for the specific container holding the elusive memory-destroying drug. With each meticulously chosen word and gesture, Max displayed a sense of familiarity with the environment, further solidifying his claim to legitimacy.

However, his heart beat rapidly in anticipation of success, fearing discovery at any second. Yet, the dealer appeared unfazed, amused perhaps by the unfolding events.

The dealer pointed out a tall, narrow cabinet housing several shelves stocked with a myriad of substances. It took Max several moments to locate the precise container nestled among its neighbours, ensconced in a dense shroud of darkness. With careful precision, he removed the stopper, revealing the coveted liquid contained therein.

Clutching the vial tightly, Max allowed his anticipation to bubble forth as he regarded the contents thoughtfully. Glancing at the drug dealer, he gave a solemn nod, expressing his commitment to seeing this task through.

"You know this one is not cheap"

the drug dealer warns, giving Max a chance to reconsider his decision.

But Max is persistent. "Price doesn't matter", he says firmly, his determination evident in his voice.

The dealer raised a brow, impressed by Max's tenacity. Gauging that Max wasn't going to change his mind, he accepted the transaction as a fait accompli.

"What's your payment method?" the dealer asked casually, testing Max's trustworthiness. Max didn't flinch.

Instead, he pulled out two wads of cash from his pocket, carefully counting the notes to ensure an appropriate amount was present. In response, the dealer's face betrayed surprise and admiration, recognizing Max's resourcefulness. This signified a level of respect between them, adding depth to their interaction.

As Max handed over the money, both men stood there, silent yet intensely aware of the significance of the exchange occurring. Despite the risk involved, neither party showed signs of nervousness or doubt regarding the outcome.

Max leave that place, head back to motel.

Back at the motel, Max prepares for his final act. Unwrapping the precious vial, he takes out a hypodermic needle, filling it with the memory-destroying serum. Holding the syringe steady, he injects the substance directly into Roid's arm. The needle pierces the skin effortlessly, drawing blood.

Max watches intently as the crimson fluid begins to mix with the potion, forming a viscous concoction within the syringe. Steady hands guide the needle deeper into Roid's veins, pushing aside resistance until it reaches the target.

Injecting the poisonous brew, Max watched closely as Roid winced slightly, indicating successful penetration. Once the deed was done, Max released a long sigh of relief, having crossed another hurdle in his elaborate plan. But now came the difficult part: implementing the rest of his schemes without arousing suspicion.

He bring up theReferral document form Roid's backpack,pen in hand ready to edit.First, he altered Roid's personal information, changing it to match his own. Then, with deliberate care, he switched their fingerprints – a crucial aspect of the forgery.

Max's dexterous fingers moved swiftly, creating the perfect forgeries. Finally, he replaced Roid's signature with his own, signing off on the paperwork as if nothing was amiss. He knew how important attention to detail would prove critical in executing his grand design.

After ensuring everything was neatly arranged and securely fastened, Max settled onto the bed, allowing exhaustion to envelop him momentarily. However, sleep remained evasive due to the sheer magnitude of his undertaking. He watch at Roid who still naked, unconcious.

"I need to help "Max" dress in "his" prisoner's jumpsuit, make him ready for tomorrow's travel" Max said in devish smile.

Roid's body lay motionless on the bed, unaware of the transformation taking place. Max approached him slowly, his eyes glinting with malice. His lips curved into a cruel grin as he surveyed the vulnerable figure lying before him. He start to dress Roid in his underwear, Orange prisoner jumpsuit, sock, shoes. Now when all transform complete. Now both was switch their fate. One who was a rookie cops, now going to be jailed in state prison. An Escapee who run into is doppelganger, now going to live as his too navite officer. Then Max feel relief, he sleep in full dress uniform, lock Roid with handcuff to table.

Wake up early morning, pack necessary documents, wear fully dressed and prepare himself to leave. At the same time, he check on Roid.

Roid wake up in blank head, he can't remember anything.

Why he wearing orange suit, why he locked cuff to table, and most frighteningly, why did he have no memory?. Confusion swirled in his mind like storm clouds gathering over the horizon. Was it really possible that someone had somehow managed to mess with his mind, causing him to lose track of reality itself?

These questions consumed him, consuming his thoughts until they became obsessions that bordered on madness. Panicked, Roid tried recalling fragments of memories from the previous evening.

"Yo, friend, you finally awake right, Max" Max who now identify himself as Roid said.

"Max? Is that my name?" Roid who lost his memory asked.

"How did I end up here? Why am I wearing this suit?"

Max explained calmly, his voice laced with hidden malevolence. "You were in some trouble last night, kiddo." He leaned closer, his tone becoming more ominous. "Remember you telling me about your prison breakout plan? Well, it turns out things went south—you ended up getting arrested."

Roid shook his head in disbelief, trying to piece together the puzzle pieces of his muddled memories. but he can't recall anything.

"Why I can't remember anything..."

Max smirked sardonically, his dark eyes sparkling with evil mirth. "That's sound bad.," he told Roid softly, the sinister undertone lacing his every syllable. "It may result form the drugs you used, it's happen to many people who take drugs for long time. It's can make you totally forget your past. Any ways Max, you need to stand up. we still have long ways to go. "

Get up," commanded Max, gesturing for Roid to rise. Roid struggled to comply, his legs trembling beneath him. Stumbling clumsily, he made his way to his feet. "Good lad," applauded Max, flashing a devious grin.

His triumphant mood began to shift as Roid grappled helplessly against the forceful currents of confusion. Closing the distance between them, Max towered above Roid, radiating a palpable air of power and dominance.

"Where to?"

Roy asks hesitantly. He could hardly believe what Max/himself has just shared with him, feeling completely thrown off balance. How could he have been caught and sentenced already? And why couldn't he remember anything that happened prior to being locked up in this cell? These were just some of the many questions plaguing his mind.

Seeing Roy struggling to process these revelations, Max offered to give him some answers. "Now we've got quite a journey ahead of us, buddy. We need to bring you to state's prisoner where you escape several days ago."

Max explains patiently, his tone suggesting a certain satisfaction derived from manipulating Roid. Though Roid's memories might be hazy, his instinctual fear kicks in upon hearing those words. He felt an uneasy sense of déjà vu washing over him again as he realized he was once again trapped in the very situation he had tried to flee only hours earlier.

With his mouth parched and filled with anxiety, Roid pleaded, "Can't you just release me here?

I don't want to return to the prison! There must be some mistake!" Although his reasoning seemed valid enough, the truth remained elusive, shrouded beneath layers of subterfuge and lies.

Max shrugged dismissively, casting away Roid's request with nonchalance. "Oh come on, man! Don't play dumb," he chided, feigning frustration. "There isn't any mistake.

You're indeed a fugitive wanted for breaking out of prison," replied Max coolly, his eyes hardening as he continued. "it seems reasonable that I should escort you back there. Besides, it wouldn't look good for either of us if I simply dropped you off somewhere else." He paused briefly, studying Roid's confused countenance.

This news served as a shockwave hitting Royd squarely, leaving him stunned.

He could barely register Max's impassioned ramblings, feeling increasingly desperate to understand the gravity of his predicament. As their car sped through the quiet streets of town, Royd scanned his surroundings, hoping for clues to explain his sudden turn of events. The wind whistled eerily outside, its cold breath cutting through the air and amplifying his mounting dread. Surrounded by darkness, Royd stewed in his helplessness.

During this travel, Max act as Roid, Explain his (Max) crime, fill the gap in the Roid's blank memory.

On the road trip, they stop in small towns for gasoline breaks, food, and occasional bathroom stops. Each encounter offers opportunities for Roid to delve further into his new identity, growing accustomed to acting as Max. Despite his initial skepticism, Roid starts adopting Max's mannerisms and speech patterns, immersing himself in his persona gradually.

In the evening, they finally arrive their destination. A state's prison.

They enter the building after walking through its imposing gates. Their footsteps echo loudly inside the stone hallways. Everywhere around them, prisoners mill about aimlessly, moving in a collective dance of despair and confinement. With each step taken forward, Roid feels his heart pounding harder, a sickening sensation welling up in his throat.

As they approach the cells housing high-risk criminals, guards scrutinize their movements with fierce intensity. They exchange brief glances, nodding approvingly at Max's confident posture.

After presenting identification papers, they allow them entry into the secured area. Guiding Roid through the maze of steel bars and concrete walls, Max leads him deeper into the bowels of the facility. The oppressive weight of history hangs heavy in the air, the atmosphere thick with the misery of captives and the knowledge that their future will likely consist of relentless monotony punctuated by moments of terror.

The harsh fluorescent lights cast stark shadows across the bleak landscape, highlighting the menacing barricades separating the living from freedom.

Then he seehead warden, and 2 officer waiting for them.

"Hello Officer, we have arrived according to schedule. Here's our suspect", announced Max introducing Roid.

Head Warden inspected Roid carefully, checking his face features, height. After few minutes observation he do widen smile, he says, "Yes, That is Max our escapee. I can confirm his identity." He recive a referal document form Roid (Max) without open it.

Head Warden signed paper, handed over to guard officer for processing. "Thank you for bringing our escaped prisoner safely. I hope this doesn't affect your work negatively". Said Max showing a respectful gesture while receiving a pat on shoulder. "Of course, sir. We appreciate your dedication to upholding justice.", he responded. Inwardly however, he seethed with jealousy and contempt, acknowledging how easily Max had outmaneuvered him – yet again.

"Anyways, i notice that both of your appearence is seem identical. Are you relate to Max in some ways? his twin?"

Max raised an eyebrow, playing innocently. But deep within his soul, a sinister laughter threatened to erupt. He knew precisely what Head Warden meant, and delighted in exploiting this opportunity to manipulate the naïve rookie. "Well, it's actually quite peculiar. When we met yesterday, I noticed something odd about our faces. His twitched slightly, suppressing a knowing smirk.

"But after we discuss, it's seem just a coincidence. So no we are not twin."

A faint hint of disappointment lingered in Max's tone, though he quickly reined it in, maintaining his composure. He didn't expect this coincidental meeting would lead to such interesting possibilities, but alas, reality always intervened. Nonetheless, Max couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement as he envisioned the potential chaos and havoc he could inflict under Roid's skin. For now, he'd merely content himself with the thrill of having temporarily captured control of Roid's life.

"Ah, I see. " Head wardenexpressed understanding.

"But I still feel that we must have some relation between us. So i volunteer to drive him here in personal. "

Said Max act as Roid. Having learned about Max's tragic background and his unfortunate predicament, Roid couldn't resist extending a helping hand. Little did he know the web of deceit and treachery awaiting him. Max accepted Roid's offer with a calculated grimace, appreciating the unexpected favor. Yet, hidden behind his facade of gratitude lay a sinister motive.

"Ah that is verykind of you Officer..." said Head warden.

"So i guess it's time for me to back to my duty." Max said. he look at Roid who now is Max. " Hope we will meet again after you got released, friend. I'm willing to help one who like my twin." Max as Roid act as so native guy.

Then Max (as Roid) leave the prison. Roid (as Max) was bring to a doctor to check hisAmnesia syntomps. Doctor also agree that this may come form drugs he use for a long time. take damage to his brain. It's may or may not recover. Roid was bring to his cell. Sometimes in his dream. He was a cops, new cops. He was so excite for his first day. He go in to a station. then got planty of eye balls looking at him. behind that, in the iron bar, a shadow standing and laughing until he's awake, body was soak with sweat.

The taste of defeat coated his tongue like bitter wine. But he can't explain about that feeling. also that wried dream. He was a criminal for all of his life. Never be a cops. he sigh, May Max, himself want to be a cops?

His eyes traced the dim outline of the ceiling, lost in thought. Then again, perhaps it wasn't about becoming a cop, but rather the desire to experience the thrilling sense of power and control that came with being one. Max, despite being a criminal, was undeniably charming and persuasive. Could these qualities somehow be channelled positively instead? He closed his eyes, trying to imagine himself taking down wrongdoers alongside his fellow officers.

Roid (Max in disguised), waking toward a station. he finish his job to take Max (Real Roid) to the state's Prisons. Now going back to duty.

With a somber glance at his own reflection in the mirror, Roid donned his uniform once more. Gripping the handlebars firmly, he rode towards the police station. Even amidst the swirling uncertainty clouding his existence, he felt compelled to continue serving his community. Perhaps his newfound resolve stemmed from empathy for those caught in Max's web of destruction, seeking solace in protecting others from harm. Or maybe, the idea of proving himself held greater importance than mere survival.

Maybe, deep down, there existed a yearning to demonstrate courage in the face of adversity. Whatever the reason, Roid's determination seemed only bolstered by his recent experiences. Convinced of his moral responsibility, he made a solemn vow to right the wrongs wrought upon him and restore order to his world. However, little did he realize that the storm brewing beneath the surface far exceeded anything he could ever comprehend.

Meanwhile, Max continued to revel in his newly acquired status, crafting elaborate schemes designed to further entangle Roid in his web of intrigue.

Under cover of darkness, he scoured Roid's home, piecing together fragments of information left scattered among his belongings. As he studied the layout of the house, Max marvelled at the ease with which he managed to blend in, assuming the role of the trustworthy cop. Stealthily tiptoeing through the rooms, he rifled through private documents, memorabilia, and family photographs.

Each item served as a piece of the puzzle, allowing Max to paint a portrait of Roid's life. Satisfied with his progress, Max prepared to make good on his intention to assume Roid's identity permanently.

He now rest on Roid's bed,

touching his soft blanket. Smelling fresh air coming from window. He remember his cell in the prison full of cold wind, noise from other prisoners moans, clanking sound from metal bars. These reminded him of pain, suffering. Right now, he enjoy peace, comfortability. Life might be hard, cruel sometimes. But he has ambition, talent, and resourcefulness enough to change his fate. Even it's sacrifice Roid who was his innocence's doppelganger. But it's no turning back. He love Roid's life and he will not

go back to his old self. His heart race faster, pulse beat quicker. With every passing moment, he grows increasingly comfortable in Roid's shoes. It seems almost effortless, as if he were born to inhabit this persona. The ironic fact was that Max never really belonged anywhere else. Despite the countless crimes he committed, he craved stability and belonging—those things which Roid represented. And yet, paradoxically, it was also within this role that Max sought to corrupt everything Roid stood for.

The alluring promise of absolute power and influence, the ability to shape events as they unfolded, tempted him beyond measure. Though it required subversion and betrayal, Max was resolute in pursuing the path laid before him. He put himself sleep under warm blanket. and lost to dream land.

That night, In Captain's office. Email notice was rang.

Captain sit up straight in his chair, eyes glued to computer screen. Reading news from prision about Max's transferring to another state's prison successfully. Few hours ago. There was relief and satisfaction in captain's gaze. Max's transfer means he won't cause trouble anymore. Everything should return to normal now.

Captain leaned back against his chair, crossing arms across chest. Relief flowed through him, replacing lingering anxiety with a sense of accomplishment. Finally, he wouldn't need to worry about dealing with Max and his antics anymore.

Then another mail notice rang.

Captain looked up from his desk, surprised. Reading email, his brow furrows deeply. That email sent by anynomous, no subject and content. only 1 video clips. He open it. In that clip show Roid, his new rescruit, buying a vial form a man who look suspicious. Date of video show, the day during Roid bring Max to state prison. Just that, no more clue.

Suspicion rose inside Captain, molding into a tight knot within his chest. He don't know what is this clip about. What happen that day, varius question was raise

his head. Who's that man?, is he sell illegal drug?, why Roid bought it? If Roid involved in crime or not?. Maybe he misjudgment Roid earlier, thinking him honest officer. His palms start to sweat as the implications dawned on him. How many times had he dismissed signs pointing to malfeasance? Would Roid become another statistic on his watch, another corrupted cop succumbing to vice?

#identity theft #stolen identity #gay #steal clothes #clothes stolen #steal uniform #uniform stolen #uniform #identity swap

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hotchs-big-hands · 3 months

Text

Today turned out to be Pretty Bad™ stuck down very awful bad memory lane and I just wanna clarify to ppl why I may not always answer dms/asks etc. I've only really told one person on here the big details about this, and I won't go into all the details here either but it'll be enough to explain why. I hope anyway. Idk why I'm doing this.

I'll give a quick tl;dr here because it is long and also goes into very triggering topics such as self harm/suicide.

Basically I used to have a very close best friend, who I'll call shithead, back in early 2018 until late 2022 who extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive and just very overall toxic. If you've ever seen me refer to a "shithead" in tags or whatever then its about the person imma talk abt here. I was essentially the person they turned to to talk them out of doing things to themselves, if you get me. As well as a lot of other stuff. Ended up getting therapy (but not for the right reasons tbh) and also got a bad coping mechanism where I tend to not talk to people, I keep my distance and its smth I wanna tackle but it's difficult. So if you haven't heard back from me it's not cuz I don't like you, I am fighting with my brain. Also I kinda question if I actually am a good person or not because of stuff that I did in retaliation to this person.

I'll get into details now under the cut but yeah don't read if self harm/suicide/toxic dynamics are something you don't want to hear about for whatever reason.

As above, in early 2018 I used to have a different fanfic blog for a different fandom. I won't go into detail about which fandom and what the blog was but it was fairly popular. This is how I came to be friends with them. And like at the beginning it was fucking great! We became fast friends and we had a lot of shared interests. They introduced me to a lot of games, TV shows etc. But that's also where the problems started.

They were one of those types of fans. The "very possessive over certain characters" type of fan. If they liked them and had a crush on them then you couldn't do the same cuz character belonged to them. Which at the time I didn't rly like but I used to be friends with someone in high school who was also like that about characters so I assumed it was just a thing ppl did. However, it escalated to if I had a character I liked then they'd for some reason not like them and in fact hated them. This was kinda draining cuz they never wanted to talk abt stuff I liked, without actually directly saying so. They'd just shit talk them the whole time or say they hate them. So I stopped talking about what I liked. Later, they'd suddenly really like said media or characters and only then was it fine to talk about them. But in turn they'd be possessive and if I said oh okay I'll step back from them they would make me feel like I was being stupid because "no they didn't say I couldn't like them".

Anyway thats not rly the worst of it of course, the actual bad stuff is now so again, final warning for self harm/suicide. Will square off the triggering sections.

*********************

They struggled with their mental health a lot. Like a lot. I'd be there for them to listen, offer help and support because I like to take care of ppl and make sure they'll be okay. Except it escalated to them using me to talk them out of harming themself and killing themself. And this was almost everyday/night. And need I just say they were an hour ahead of me as well btw. I went to university in 2019 originally and by December I was completely burnt out because I spent every day and night making sure they didn't fucking do anything to themself. I got at most 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky and I stopped doing my hobbies and uni work because I just had no drive to do them anymore. It was clear I was also suffering mentally. I was suicidal and thinking of harming myself as well (and unfortunately I did do so a couple times). But I prioritised them. Everything was triggering for them, and I mean that. I had a long list pinned to my wall of everything I was to avoid mentioning because it would trigger them.

They never took care about my own mental health btw, which I'm not saying they HAD to but I know it was because they just didn't care. And they said as much too. They said because they are autistic they have no empathy and therefore do not feel anything about my mental health. So I suffered basically alone.

*********************

I dropped out of uni in early 2020 and in fact went home the weekend lockdown began in the UK. Things were not good. I was still trying to be support for shithead, I went to therapy and started medication for the wrong reasons. I wanted to get better so I could take care of them. Which like. Never do that. Never go to therapy so you can be someone else's therapist. Go to therapy because YOU want to be better for YOURSELF.

We were in in a bigger friendship group spread across a few discord servers and they all broke down one way or another. One instance there was an argument between shithead and a bunch of others who were comparing who had it worse during ww2. The others were Americans but were also of Jewish heritage with family who were affected by the holocaust and shithead lives in a country near where the holocaust happened with relatives who went through a famine. Either way it was just not gonna be a good conversation. Shithead left, I stayed and like I already don't rly talk to people much in groups because its overwhelming but I did do a little bit. Someone who was friends with shithead and still in the server told shithead I was talking to the others and in turn I basically betrayed shithead. Hindsight I wish I had just left the server ages before and like maybe j shouldn't have talked to the others idk. I regret it either way and think abt it a lot.

Another few shitty things I did in response to how shithead would treat me is giving them the silent treatment, giving short answers etc. I wanted them to feel bad, but it would round back to me being told I'm a coward and horrible to them. Which maybe I was but frankly I was scared of them.

*********************

Things began to rly break down when they showed me their fresh self harm wounds, blood and all, because they were "bored". I didn't talk to them for a few days and their apology wasn't much of an apology, more just making excuses again (aka I have autism so it's not my fault). I started talking less and less because by this point my brain had had enough ig and began to close off from them and just ppl in general.

*********************

In 2022 I finally returned to university and thats also when I finally stopped talking to them. A few months ago I finally blocked them on everything. However, I still struggle with communication and don't rly do it much. It's difficult to maintain friendships and I don't trust easily. I plan on going back to therapy whenever i can because this is just unresolved. But yeah idk I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't responded to, or take a long time to respond to.

One thing that is good tho is that like, after shithead I didn't enjoy anything. I didn't rly watch or hyperfixate on anything. But last year around this time I came across an Aaron Hotchner x plus size reader fic and I've been obsessed with him since!! And now here we are, got a blog and everything for a fandom finally after so long :) so it's not all bad.

But yeah that's why I struggle keeping up with messages and asks. Idk if anyone is gonna read this but if you've read this far then thank you and you mean a lot. Big hugs to yawl and I hope yawl have a lovely day, and if not then please take it easy 💖💖💖💖

#vent post #tw vent #tw: self harm #tw suicide #tw self harm #a speaks

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linklethehistorian · 2 months

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So I very rarely get super personal on this blog just for the sake of it, but given there was already a much…darker version of this post sitting in drafts until just a short while ago, and maybe someone here might need to hear an uplifting real-life story tonight, I figured I’d go ahead and draft up and post this anyway.

See, I’m sure all of y’all here have noticed my relative lack of activity with any large project over the past five months, but what y’all don’t know is that this has largely been due to some pretty serious health issues — not the least of all being that…over the past…three-ish months of those five, I have had to stare down the very real possibility that I might have a pretty serious form of Leukemia. I was bounced from doctor to doctor about this, test after test, and not much of it looked good, if I’m being perfectly honest.

During all of that time up to today, I had been sitting around contemplating much of my existence, and how, at last, when the most difficult news of all came, I would break that news to everyone — what I would do, say, etc. I must’ve run through all the scenarios a million times, drafted up at least ten different letters for different people in my life, even recorded a cover of a song through which I wanted to say goodbye to everyone here, if it came to it (and which still sits in my video gallery currently, as though still waiting to be used).

Needless to say, although they had their moments as life always does, these past months have been overall a living Hell, and it only got progressively worse with every new piece of concerning news, up until today — the day I finally was able to go see the oncologist. (Doctors are often booked out for months around here rn — weeks at best.)

Prior to the visit, I had been informed by my GP that the oncologist would overlook all of my results ahead of time, and call to cancel the visit with me herself if she found/determined there was nothing worth being concerned over.

Well, the cancel call never came, so I think you can understand when I say that I went in full expectation of the worst case scenario; I mean, clearly she had thought it critical enough to keep the appointment, so that kind of spoke volumes for itself even without having seen her.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the long time spent alone in the doctor’s office, waiting for her to arrive: there was some of the most gorgeous, peaceful instrumental music you could imagine playing softly, and as I was sitting there, forms in hand, staring down the room around me, I was just thinking to myself how that music clearly said exactly what this place was: it’s a place where people go to get basically the worst news of their lives imaginable, and try their best to cope with and struggle against their mortal illnesses. And this music was so pretty and peaceful because the patients needed it.

And here I was. Today I was one of those patients.

I sat there contemplating over my life and realizing that this was going to be the last moment that anything was even somewhat normal again for me. The last moments before life changing news.

I can’t begin to explain how that feels.

…And then the doctor came in and she was immediately telling me, like, more or less, “Oh honey, why are you here? lol We tried to call you to tell you not to come in — you don’t need all this stress for no reason, go on home, there’s nothing to worry about, you’re fine.”

Apparently she had, in fact, made an attempt to contact me because she wanted to spare me the stress of coming after reviewing the results and deciding I was fine, just like my GP said, but the call just hadn’t gone through.

The relief that I have inside of me today knowing that I am okay is beyond anything I could ever put into words. I cried the entire several hour drive home, and even now, as I type this up, I find myself tearing up just a little again in sheer gratitude and amazement and comfort.

Even if things had gone badly, I wouldn’t have had any regrets, but truly nothing makes me happier to know that I will be around for a long, long while here still — with the people and things that I love, with the strangers, with the haters, and everyone else in between.

Please never take life for granted. Live in the present and try to be as grateful for every moment as you possibly can. Life really is beautiful and precious and so, so worth living, so live it to the fullest and always remember that there can be hope.

No matter how bad things seem, there’s always a chance for hope to shine through.

It did for me. It can for you too.

I love you all so much.

#linklethehistorian #thoughts #my thoughts #non fandom #nonfandom #advice #…kinda? Not exactly tho #life has been rough and I plan to take a little while to finally just breathe #do things as they come #I’m just so thankful to be alive

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cosmogyral-cat · 11 months

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!!! Detroit: Become Human and Heavy Rain spoilers ahead !!!

Overall, I really enjoyed both games and played through them multiple times

But something I take issue with is the twist in Kara's story (DBH): I think it would've been more beneficial to actually have Alice be Todd's daughter than "just an android replacement for his daughter", so to say.

The reason why I think that is because the more often I play the game, the more I realize that Alice being a human child was the entire driving force of Kara's story: She had to provide her with a comfortable place to stay, food, clothes, heat, sleep. Except that all of that was completely unnecessary; Alice being an android and Kara pretending that she isn't is tragic, but it also creates a vast amount of plot holes (e.g. Zlatko not resetting Alice, especially given how experienced he is when it comes to androids and how much he seems to know about them)

The twist also serves the purpose of Kara and Alice staying together in "Battle for Detroit" when they are captured during the "Crossroads" chapter.

Additionally, the focus of Kara's story is never on Kara, but always on Alice. Kara is, in this sense, a character the player can insert themselves into, but doesn't have a lot of depth unfortunately.

Throughout the game, the player learns a lot about Alice: She likes to read books, she enjoys drawing, she wants to dance, she is deeply traumatized, she has a strong sense of justice (e.g. being upset about Kara stealing money/clothes, keeping the tickets at the bus terminal, etc.), she wants to be part of a loving family, she likes theme parks and carousels, she is ready to protect Kara as well (if you got the gun in "Stormy Night" and fail all QTE's, Alice shoots Todd), she enjoys playing with her plushie, and so on and so forth.

But we learn barely anything about what Kara wants aside from protecting and being there for Alice. All we know is, by the end of the game, that she lies to herself to perform the function she was designed to do: Taking care of children.

I think I would've liked it better if Alice had been human all along. It would've added an even sadder touch to the story that remains throughout the second playthrough when you already know how the story could end.

Additionally, it would've been interesting to see that the subtle hints that point towards Alice being an android before the reveal (e.g. her not eating or drinking anything for multiple days) could've been a way of making the player think she's an android even though her intention is not to inconvenience Kara with her needs.

Misguiding the player like this was something I really enjoyed about Heavy Rain. As the story progressed, I was more and more convinced that Ethan had some sort of second personality that was challenging him, and that he himself was the Origami Killer. It was a very decent setup that made him doubt himself constantly and filled him with a fear and feeling of guilt that he himself was responsible for his son being in a terrible situation.

In general, I would've liked to see more of Kara's wishes for the future. The only time she actually mentions something that doesn't include Alice is when the three of them are taking the boat to Canada and Kara is asked what she would like to do once they cross the border. The player can make a choice through dialogue options here, and one of the things she can say is that she would love to travel and explore the world through her own eyes, which is something she has never said before in the slightest and adds a bit more depth to her as a character

I want her to be more than just a caretaker, I want her to be someone who wants something for herself as well, and that should not be limited to that boat scene that always ends terribly in some way

TL;DR: Alice's dynamic with Kara could've been much more emotional without Alice turning out to be an android

#dbh #dbh kara #dbh alice #detroit become human #kara ax400 #heavy rain

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crimson-lair · 2 months

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HEYY HELLO, I COME WITH FULL ON IDEAS (that are slightly for fluff and affection only.. but I'll try not to disappoint ! Long post ahead though.. I couldn't help but type out my ideas !)

I was thinking of maybe jealous bots of ptn women, how would they act if they see y/n or user be so close with other people? Here are my ideas:

Rahu - Need I say moreee? Rahu is maybe really stoic and the type to not get jealous quite easily, but I think she'd be the type to get jealous if someone starts to take her duties away from y/n, like, the person starts to somewhat be too close to the user to the point where Rahu can't even approach y/n or fulfill her duties to keep y/n protected.. since the person is replacing her and is creating a distance between her and y/n. Rahu might deal with this in a way where she'd start to act touchy whenever it's only her and y/n or she'd outright find ways to find excuses to get y/n away from that person! She finds it difficult to approach y/n about it since she's quite shy and she doesn't know how to talk about it..

Shalom - MMMMM, Shalom shalom shalom, y'all probably would know where this is going.. once the most calm and reserved type starts to get jealous that's a big uh oh! I think Shalom would be jealous because of how a person starts to display a sense of superiority or closeness over y/n, as in the person keeps on winning y/n over Shalom in certain things, like going to missions, instead of Shalom going with y/n, someone else slipped in, orrrr when a person starts to be so touchy to the point where Shalom can't even do any small amount of physical gestures to y/n. Shalom might deal with this in a rather straightforward way, since she's the type of woman to become blunt whenever necessary especially when it comes to y/n, but sometimes, Shalom can really be condescending especially when she becomes way too jealous, she might show the person just how y/n is really close with her, or the fact that the person would have no chance to get to y/n because of how competitive Shalom is (e.g. Shalom will compete with the person through missions, quality time with y/n, etc)

Zoya - Here's our favorite, going once, going twice, maybe more than twice.. no, 5 times, 5 bots of her 😭. A jealous Zoya, will be a much bigger uh oh than Shalom's. Zoya might get jealous if y/n's attention or interest keeps going to another person. Zoya might also get jealous if the person keeps impressing y/n to a point where y/n can't even pay attention to Zoya anymore. Zoya might deal with this directly and almost immediately after she notices things started to change. Zoya would outright intimidate the person, like "If you keep pulling this sh*t I'll show you real sh*t" or she might end up driving the person away with threats, as said before.

BUT ANYWAY THANKYOU FOR READING MY TED TALKK, THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.. I HOPE ITS NOT TOO MUCH!

my darling anon 😌 ARE YOU THAT PERSON WHO PREVIOUSLY GIVING IDEAS ABOUT RAHU? if yes, such a big brain anon i have (you must be secretly a writer). regardless, i love your bunch of ideas 🫶

rather than making bots (i don't know how to make these jealous bots 😭) I'll be writing small scenario based on this!

can only do Rahu tho cuz, well, easier to make it comedy

---

Rahu paced silently through the corridors of the MBCC headquarters. Her normally stoic demeanor betrayed a flicker of agitation. She couldn't shake off the disquiet that settled within her whenever she witnessed that newcomer growing closer to you. The duties she held, the protective shield she formed around you, seemed to be slipping away, replaced by the unwelcome presence of another.

Every moment that newcomer spent in proximity to you felt like a dagger twisting in her chest.

One evening, as she stood vigilant by your side during a mission briefing, that person's laughter echoed in the background. Her silver eyes narrowed, and her fists clenched, but her external facade remained impassive.

Days passed, and she struggled to find a way to express her discomfort. Her stoicism, a shield against the world, became a barrier that even she couldn't dismantle. Instead, Rahu found herself acting out in small, subtle ways. She became touchier in moments when she was alone with you.

A soft hand on the shoulder, a protective stance when you walked together. Or during a team meeting, she'd strategically positioned herself behind your chair. With ninja-like finesse, she'd do a subtle shoulder massage, all while maintaining an innocent expression. Or even, when you engaged in conversation with that newcomer, she would swoop in, spin around, and deliver a high-five so intricate it left everyone bewildered. "Just checking in on Chief," she'd casually say before walking away.

---

discovery of the day: omagosh im such a bad writer

#zio's chains of curiosity

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jensensitive · 1 year

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some ghostfacers effect headcanons~

glimpsing Reality here!! what Really Happened™️!!

* = from scripts, etc

1x07 Hook Man - Dean blew the sheriff in hook man to let him and Sam off link

"Backside" is gay porn

SAM Yeah, but hustling pool? Credit card scams? It's not the most honest [legal] thing in the world, Dean.

1x08 Bugs

DEAN Hunting's our day job. And the pay is crap.

DEAN Well, let's see honest [legal] (He holds out one hand.) Fun and easy. (He holds out the other, and gestures that "fun and easy" outweighs "[legal]".) It's no contest. Besides, we're [I’m] good at it.

1x15 The Benders - Dean hooked up with a guy in the restroom while Sam was getting kidnapped 😔🙏

2x01 In My Time of Dying - John and Azazel kissed when John made his deal

2x20 What is and What Should Never Be - Carmen is maybe a man from a car ad (and this was all Chuck)

3x01 The Magnificent Seven - Dean: Hey, I appreciate you giving me a little quality time with the Doublemint [Wonder] Twins.

3x10 Dream a Little Dream of Me - *Dean confronts John in his nightmare and stands up for himself*

4x01 Lazarus Rising - Dean crawled out of his grave naked

4x05 Monster Movie happened before 4x03 In the Beginning

*DEAN: For a fed, you’re not a total prick.*

4x14 Sex and Violence

dean and Nick kissed

NICK I should be your little brother [yours. *I’m what you need.*] Sam? You can't trust him. Not like you can trust me. In fact, I really feel like you should get him outta the way, so we can be brothers [together]. Forever.

SAM You poisoned him.

NICK No. I gave him what he needed. And it wasn't some bitch in a G-string. It was you [me.] [*Nick strokes Dean’s hair*] A little brother that looked up to him [partner,] [someone] that he could trust. And now? He loves me. He'd do anything for me. And I gotta tell you, Sam, that kind of devotion? I mean, watching someone kill for you? It's the best feeling in the world.

4x13 After School Special - Amanda Heckerling was maybe a boy dean made out with (her name is Amanda and they made out in a closet idk) (although this entire flashback and all flashbacks are up for debate because of not only it being skewed by the perspective of whoever is remembering it, but with the Chuck revelation, Chuck having the ability to change and implant memories entirely)

5x04 The End - ghostfacers plus possible Zachariah and/or Chuck effect, Cas's orgy isn't just women because i mean come on now. And Dean and Cas were very much fucking in that future, all the more reason for dean to think he corrupted him.

*"The only thing we have left, Dean and me, is each other."*

5x22 Swan Song - when Dean drives up at Stull, he’s playing Led Zeppelin, maybe Immigrant Song or Kashmir

5x18 Point of No Return

"last person who looked at me like that? I got laid [fucked]."

6x10 Caged Heat - The porn was hardcore bdsm

7x20 The Girl With the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo - Dean has a dumb nerdy tattoo on his ass

season 8 - Benny fed off Dean in purgatory to make him stronger in fights while dean’s human body was in a perpetual state of stasis (and/or they fucked)

8x22 Clip Show - cas buys dean lube with his porn and toilet paper

9x04 Slumber Party - Dean and Charlie are high for the entire episode after they watch Game of Thrones.

9x06 Heaven Can’t Wait - anti ghostfacers effect, headcanon that nothing happened after they left Nora’s and Chuck blipped them ahead in time to the morning giving them false memories because he saw what could happen otherwise. I think he did this a lot (see also: 5x03)

9x08 Rock and a Hard Place happened directly after 9x06 Heaven Can’t Wait

9x08 Rock and a Hard Place - the born-again virgin group is an ex-gay support group

9x10 Road Trip - Crowley and dean kissed to make the deal to let crowley out to help Sam.

10x01 Black - dean and Crowley argued about Anne Marie while fucking male triplets

10x02 Reichenbach - Dean said “I ain't your fuckin boyfriend” not “I ain’t your friggin bestie”

11x17 Red Meat - "choking on a burger [*auto-erotic asphyxiation*] while binge-watching Charles in Charge." "That was peak Baio."

11x18 Hell’s Angel - "there's times I want to get slapped [whipped or choked] during sex by a girl wearing a Zorro mask. That don't make it a good idea."

Nick was never brought back in s12, lucifer had a different vessel

12x19 The Future - *Cas's vision was like in the script, with him shirtless and Dean thanking him* (I don’t know if this was Chuck’s doing or not though)

13x05 Advanced Thanatology - *Dean didn’t go to the strip club or steal anyone’s bra, he just drank a bunch and passed out on the floor drunk*

13x06 Tombstone - *Dean spread Cas's ashes in a garden with a windmill and a brook.*

13x12 Various and Sundry Villains - It’s Max and Alicia who are trying to steal the Grimoire for Rowena, and Max casts a love spell on Dean, but it also goes differently and they aren’t killing people and don’t die xoxo

14x10 Nihilism - Cas looking through Dean's happy memories, he sifted through a bunch of dean fucking

Michael!Dean flirts with cas

15x07 Last Call - Lorna doesn’t actually exist, she’s Chuck (so not ghostfacers effect, more Chuck effect)

15x18 Despair - Dean said “I love you too” when he was all distraught on the floor of the dungeon ignoring Sam’s calls :(

"Busty Asian Beauties" is gay porn (see: "steam baths" "boys night" on the covers)

*Sam and Dean don’t say “Jerk, Bitch” but “Jerk, Prick”

Sam is vegan.

Dean and Cas hang out and have date nights all the time, and they're constantly on the phone.

Sam and Cas both laugh at Dean's jokes sometimes.

Dean still has the handprint

#ghostfacers effect #headcanon #headcanons #trying to actually post some of my google doc stuff here have this #maybe this skews gay dean but i am who i am #long post

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binglesbanglesbabies · 2 years

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Hysterectomy, PCOS, Hashimotos, etc

Before things get too far ahead of me, I thought I needed to take the time to sit down and write out this post.

First of all: for anyone who is currently considering hysterectomy out there, or has been told they need one for one reproductive problem or another, and is searching the internet desperately for the ‘what ifs’ and ‘outcomes’, let me just say this: breathe.

I know, not all cases are going to be like mine, but I want to go ahead and put my experience out there, and it’s ALL GOOD, so if you’re desperately looking for some GOOD NEWS, you found it.

Background: I have Hashimotos and PCOS, which causes a veritable STORM of problems in my body. Symptoms galore. The worst was when my period decided it was going to keep coming back every other week and it made me anemic. (low red cell count, low iron, all the fun stuff). I was MISERABLE. Combined with my various OTHER symptoms from both issues (high blood pressure, liver and kidney problems, mood problems, sleep problems, headaches, etc etc) my PCP (that’s primary care physician) finally looked at me months after trying to wrangle the anemia in line and it just kept getting worse, and said: “With everything that’s wrong with you, have you ever considered hysterectomy?” with a cringe. I nearly leapt across the room in tears to hug him. I’d been trying for almost three years to find someone to do that for me after already losing one ovary to a cyst that grew to 10 centimeters (yeah, you read that right).

So, long story short, PCP was able to give me a referral to a different OB/GYN who was willing to work with me despite my ‘young age/lack of children, yada yada yada’, and I will NEVER be more grateful, let me tell you. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I got the usual ‘cautionary tale’ from the OB/GYN, as per usual (Oh, you’re going to go into premature menopause, and you’re going to lose all sex drive, and blah blah blah) and I was just like: Sir, I would like to stop bleeding my life away, who gives a fuck. I don’t have ANY sex drive at present, because I’m too god-damned tired and out of breath to even walk from one end of the house to the other because of the anemia, and my body is so fucked up from the hormonal imbalances caused by my OTHER hormonal issues, I wouldn’t even know. Hot flashes? Have those. Mood swings? Have those too. Give me a break. Besides all that, I’m Ace, have no S/O, and take care of my disabled mother. I don’t want children, don’t have TIME for children, ain’t interested in pleasing anybody but myself, and if I’m not interested in a night with my ‘special toy box’ well then that’s all right with me.

After a brief fight with the insurance (which didn’t want to pay for my surgery OF COURSE), I got my hysterectomy.

IMMEDIATELY after surgery, I noticed a HUGE change. I’m talking the MOMENT I woke up.

This body had been in PAIN. NON-STOP. And I didn’t even know it. I didn’t even know it until my uterus and remaining ovary were gone, and the pain of surgery was so MINIMAL compared to the pain I had experienced BEFORE surgery, that I could have DANCED out of that damned hospital if they didn’t have me hooked up to more devices than I even want to name. The nurses couldn’t believe that I didn’t want pain meds, but I seriously DID NOT FEEL A THING. In fact, it wasn’t until about 3-4 days AFTER surgery, that the surgery pain finally faded, and I realized I HAD IN FACT been in pain after surgery, but it was SO FREAKING MINIMAL, that I hadn’t noticed.

Let me tell you something I would NEVER go back to that pain, I don’t care what anyone offered me, I would rather die.

My mood lifted (of coursee it did, I wasn’t in crippling pain all the time anymore), I’ve had less headaches, sleep is still sketchy, but my blood pressure improved (again, less pain will do that) even my Hashimotos briefly improved. (I say briefly because Hashimotos is a tricky bitch and nothing ever lasts with it..) My red cell count has finally stabilized, though almost six months later we’re still waiting on the iron to catch up.

Physically, my freakin’ BODY changed. I mean SWELLING went down all OVER my body. Puffiness from my face, limbs, tummy, all of it. It wasn’t THAT drastic, but there’s a difference enough that people ask if I’ve lost weight and tell me I look SO much better.

Not to make too much of a point on it, but yes, even the swelling of my vulva and labia went down, which shocked the hell out of me. My clit reappeared, go figure. And that ‘sex drive’ I was supposed to lose? Um, Hell No. I think she took a U-turn and came back to see what was new.

And for those that are wondering: yes, I do achieve orgasm still. Yes, I do achieve orgasm faster and easier. My ‘G-spot’ is extra-sensitive now, and there is now no pain associated with penetration. The main difference that I’ve found in the six months post-hysterectomy, is that if you like those deep, cervical orgasms, you will unfortunately lose those if you have your cervix removed. I did, because cancer runs in my family. And it seems not a moment too soon, because fibroids, calcified cysts, all that fun stuff were part of the lab findings. Could it have been a non-issue? Certainly. Could it have turned nasty with everything that’s wrong with me? Absolutely. I’d already been warned I was at high risk for Endometriosis.

Also, so far: I’m not on hormone replacement therapy. My doctors are playing it by ear. We don’t want to send my body into another panic spiral while it’s still finding a new balance, so in another month or two, we do more tests, see where I’m at and discuss.

Now for the: ‘but all these articles say’ portion of our blog. I know. I read those. But as someone else pointed out: Almost all those articles were written by men. All the nay-sayers ARE MEN. Why do you think that is? What the FUCK do they even know about women’s health anyway? Are they female? Do they HAVE the REPRODUCTIVE MATERIAL NECESSARY to make judgements on whether or not hysterectomy is beneficial to women in my position or not? NO.

So, for ME, hysterectomy was VASTLY beneficial. I don’t have a single CLUE how I survived for all those years without it. I know I was miserable. I didn’t know HOW MUCH, but now that I do, there is no way in hell I would ever make a different decision than the one I did, and I am SO HAPPY that I finally got this done.

#hashimotos #hashimotosthyroiditis #pcos #pcoswarrior #hysterectomy #pcosproblems #hysterectomyandpcos #ovariancyst #laproscopy #vaginalhysterectomy #menopause #hormones #hypothyroid #consideringhysterectomy #fibroids #endometriosis #cysts

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singsweetmelodies · 1 year

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hihi I would just like to share my two cents because that anon's ask made me ???

I think the anon should realise it's called real person FICTION for a reason. things in RPF are made up, and by that extent, characters are too. That means even though authors borrow real people's names and sometimes make references to real events, at the end of the day, the character in RPF works are not the actual people themselves. Which is why I'm completely ok with reading fics involving drivers that are not top of my favourites/I don't know that much about if the summary of the work interests me a lot, like I personally do not really care much for Esteban outside of the fact that he, Pierre and Charles did spend quite a lot of time together in karting as they are French/French-adjacent, but I'm okay with trying reading say, Pierresteban fics from time to time. Or perhaps the fics come from a writer whose other works I enjoyed reading and I think, ok this fic's ideas, characterisation etc will most likely be good. Because these drivers in the fics aren't 100% representative of the actual drivers.

That being said, I'd understand if a driver's certain IRL actions disgust you so much that you can't bring yourself to read fics that involve that driver, like for me, I really can't bring myself to read anything involving Mazep*n. BUT that doesn't mean I can, or should, impose my belief onto others. Everyone being free to enjoy and curate their experience both here and on Tumblr is what makes fandom experience healthy.

Anyways, rant over, I hope you have a great weekend ahead (p.s. I always love to read your tags. They are always plentiful and detailed <3)

AMEN!! this, exactly - i agree completely with every word you've said here, omg. real person fiction: exactly! we borrow their names and aspects of their characters and backstories, but it's just that: borrowing. none of it is real.

and YES, i'm exactly in agreement with you again about reading fics for drivers who aren't usually my favourites. if it's by an author i like, or if the summary is intriguing... my thoughts exactly! we are here to have fun in fandom, so why shouldn't we read whatever strikes our fancy?

as for that last paragraph of yours about not imposing one's beliefs onto others, and curating your own experience: i know i've said it a lot in this reply, but EXACTLY. fandom should be about fun, and the second one tries to force things onto other people, it stops being fun. i feel like a lot of this fandom's nastier anons lately are hiding behind the anon button purely to ruin other people's experience, which i find both a completely baffling thing to want to do, firstly, but also incredibly cowardly. it's like they know they're in the wrong, so they're relying on anonymity just to try and ruin someone's day.

and not to bring taylor swift into everything, but like... "this is why we can't have nice things // because you break them // i had to take them away." i can't understand why anyone in their right mind would hate on any content creator!! all you are going to do, eventually, is drive them away. and if all the content creators are driven away, then soon there won't be any fandom!! i don't CARE how wild someone's ship is. even if someone ships something which to me is completely absurd - like... fernando/charles, to choose a wild one - i wouldn't send them hate about it. fernando/charles makes no sense to me personally, but as long as it makes them happy, that's all that matters, and nobody should ever tell them anything different. ship fernando/charles and have a great time if that's what floats your boat!

anyways yes 🙈 a very long, rambly answer all just to say thank you so so much for sending this, and i agree completely ❤️ i do wish i could print this out and have it sent physically to that anon (🤦🏼‍♀️) but yes, i appreciate you so so much for taking the time to come and share this! you are a star <333

#asks & answers #🖥 sometypeoffeels #i saw this on my tea break at work and just smiled at my phone down the entire time the kettle was boiling #because just. EXACTLY!!#you get it... you completely get it #thank you so so much ❤️#logically i know that anon was way out of line #but having people agree with me and back me up just makes me feel so much better about it all ❤️#so i really REALLY appreciate this!#and omg you wrote such a well-worded and well-reasoned rant too #LOVE it #you really are amazing mwah ❤️❤️#ALSO TYSM FOR THE COMPLIMENTS @ MY TAGS #it always makes me blush and twirl my hair lmaoooo #i am an insane idiot in the tags but it makes me so happy to hear that people like it <3333 #kisses!! 😘

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newhologram · 2 years

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If you agree to help a disabled loved one with something, you don't get to suddenly tell them that THEY'RE inconveniencing YOU when it turns out you didn't plan appropriately, leading to their care routine being delayed, among other problems. You don't get to blame THEM for your mistake and not being able to accommodate you because YOU neglected to give all the information needed.

Because some people are sensitive and unable to self-reflect on how their actions and behaviors hurt others: I'm not saying this to shit-talk anyone. But in all my years of disability awareness/acceptance work, there's an issue many of us encounter where people acting like THEY are the victims of someone else's illnesses/disabilities… because they're asked to help. Sometimes I can't even ask for help with things around the house without being treated like I'm asking them to sacrifice their firstborn. I can't do grocery shopping anymore not just because it's physically painful and exhausting but because I'm questioned like, "What, you don't want to just drive over there and do it yourself?" even after nearly a decade of disability.

Context: I'm in the middle of being assessed for Medicare and disability benefits. It's a long, dehumanizing process. I got a stack of papers for me to fill out, and a stack for someone who knows me to fill out. They were due 10 days after receiving them. I didn't have the luxury of delaying this. I asked someone if they could help me and they said it was no problem at all and gave me the time they got off work, saying they would just come right over. This was scheduled a day or so ahead of time.

The day and time came and I was waiting on them. I had delayed my pain-management routine (hot bath/gua sha/etc--long process) for this, out of respect for their time. I texted them to touch base and they told me--at the time they're supposed to be over-- that their car was in the shop so they needed to see what their partner's plans were, and that they would let me know.

I politely asked if they had an ETA or update, because I needed to take a bath to get my high pain level down. I figured if it was going to take a while, maybe I could just go ahead and start. They then called and said they could get dropped off but that I would need to take them home. I explained that it was already very late afternoon, meaning I was in a lot of pain and already too medicated to drive. This person has driven me to doctor appointments before because I was in too much pain, so I was confused as to why I had to remind them that driving is hard for me for multiple reasons (bro I'm… in a back brace).

I told them that if their car was in the shop and they needed a ride, that was information I should have been told the day before when we planned this, or at the very latest earlier that morning.

Their immediately defensive response was, "WELL I'M TELLING YOU NOW. I'M TELLING YOU NOW."

I again explained that telling me now wasn't helpful because it was now the time that they said they would be over and I was already medicated.

They said, "Well this is a really big inconvenience for me, [DEADNAME], because my car is in the shop." I was too flustered to correct them. Also why say you can do it if it's this big of an inconvenience??

I said that I can't plan my care routine effectively if I don't have the right information from them. I can't delay medicating to drive them home if I don't know that they need me to drive in the first place.

So they said, "Well we'll just do this another day when YOU can plan better!" and hung up on me. No goodbye, just blaming all of this on ME being the one who planned poorly--and click.

I immediately started crying, in utter confusion and shock at their behavior and immaturity. I cried for my entire bath after, trying to make sense of it.

I talked to my therapist about it and she was also completely blown away. I asked her, "How is it my fault that they forgot to tell me their car was in the shop? How is it my fault I didn't know they would need a ride home ahead of time?"

My therapist said, "Well, it's not your fault. But also, it's DISABILITY PAPERWORK. They agreed to help you with disability paperwork, and they're expecting you to last minute be able to drive them home when you can barely sit up? It's DIS-ABILITY."

I had been so concerned about being able to accommodate them that I hadn't even considered the absurdity of asking your disabled loved one to drive you home after helping them with disability paperwork. Therapist also pointed out that this behavior is something to be expected from a temperamental teenager, not a grown person with a job and children. I sadly agreed but wished that they would get help already. I'm so tired of being the only one in therapy actually doing the work and still having to deal with these kinds of incidents that impact my health negatively because of how triggering it is.

The moral of the story is: don't agree to help if you're going to use it against your sick loved one and say how much they're "inconveniencing" you.

And if you do make this mistake and forget to tell them something important like "oh shit my car is actually in the shop"--OWN UP TO IT. Say, "I totally spaced, I'm sorry. I should have told you. Should we try tomorrow?"

That's literally all it takes. Not this weird mind game where you somehow turn it around to blame me for your mistake. I understand some people will never mature enough to be able to say that, but. Maybe try, if you really love that person?

But, yeah, they haven't spoken to me since so I had a trusted friend help me with the papers (thank you, Ona <3).

#disability #chronic illness #spoonie #selective empathy #ableism #teku #personal

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gobbluthbutagirl · 2 years

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I'm obsessed with your target stories literally why is it like that. Please tell us a story u haven't told us before

well it’s like that because first of all it’s target and second of all it’s on hollywood boulevard and when you combine those two factors Chaos Ensues. unfortunately however i cannot remember which stories i have and have not posted before so you may have to stop me if you’ve already heard this one. but anyway the bathrooms at that target were the bane of my existence back when i still worked mornings. there are two toilets in the entire store and one of them is supposed to be staff-only at all times and the other is open to the public 15 hours a week aka 8am through 11am monday through friday. and the thing about the bathrooms is they’re right next to the downstairs guest services counter so whoever’s at the downstairs guest services counter is in charge of letting people in. and the other thing about the downstairs guest services counter is that whoever’s down there is also in charge of delivering drive-up orders. and the thing about me is i walk really fucking fast and they noticed this. so every time i was scheduled as the opener they’d want me at the downstairs guest services counter so i could do the drive-ups. and i HATED doing the drive-ups because not only does the app have like 10000 glitches on our end but also half the guests are too stupid to figure out how to use it correctly. but that’s not the point. the point is i’d always get stuck being in charge of the bathrooms.

and here’s the thing about the bathrooms. there is no sign that says they are bathrooms. they are taped over on the store maps and we have signs everywhere saying we don’t have public restrooms and that the closest public restrooms are a literal 2-minute walk away at the mall. and this tends to make people begin behaving like the joker and/or some type of ape because they feel like since we’re a target we should have restrooms available. nevermind the fact that we’re a) on hollywood boulevard where basically NO store has public restrooms besides the mall and b) a small-format target and small-format targets tend to not have public restrooms anyway. and i have heard that when we first opened we DID let anybody use the restrooms at any time but had to quickly shut it down because people were doing drugs in the restrooms, people were going in there to steal, people were leaving trash everywhere, etc. and there would be lines out the door of people waiting and employees would have to go all the way to the mall just to piss.

which brings us to the story. this was probably november when this happened and it was like 10 minutes before the restrooms were supposed to close for the day. and there were already two people waiting in line and the guy at the front said he’d knocked on the door and someone was in there(this will be relevant later). and all of a sudden here comes a man who is obviously not sober. and he’s like, “excuse me, where is the bathroom?” and i’m like, “it’s right here, but this is the line.” and he looks at me like i’m stupid and goes, “no, no, no. i need to use the baño.” and i say, very slowly and carefully, “sir, this is the line. you will have to wait for the people who are ahead of you.” and this time he gets it and goes to stand behind the girl who’s second in line. but he starts talking to her, complaining about having to wait, and i can tell that he’s making her uncomfortable(she is probably only like 19 and he is a strange disheveled man who is clearly under the influence of something essentially harassing her in line). and at that point hr guy walks past so i go over to him and i’m like, “hey, there’s a line for the bathroom right now and the first two are normal but i feel like the last guy might do drugs in there and he’s also bothering the other guests.” and hr guy basically just tells me to call AP if anything happens. and by now a suspicious amount of time has gone past without anybody coming out of that bathroom so i go over there and i knock on the door myself. nobody answers. i unlock the door. there is nobody in there and it turns out the first guy in line is just an idiot. so i let him in, the girl moves to the front of the line, and guy #3 wanders off. and then hr guy comes back and tells me he just talked to the store director and we’re closing the bathrooms a few minutes early today so that guy #3 does not get to go in there. and everything would have been fine then had a couple not overheard him and asked if they could also use the restroom really quick. to which he said yes like some type of idiot or fool.

and by this time the first guy in line has left the bathroom and the girl who was second has gone in. and hr guy has the couple stand where they can’t be seen from the main part of the store to wait. and then guy #3 comes back. and he sees that there are other people waiting for the bathroom and starts causing a ruckus because they “stole his spot in line.” and i’m like, “sir, they didn’t steal your spot. you left and they showed up.” and i’m on the walkie like, “[hr guy], that guy is back and he wants to use the restroom and he sees that couple and he’s mad.” and he’s like, “just tell him they’re allowed to use it because they got here before 11.” and i’m like, “he’s not gonna buy that because he was also here before 11.” and then the guy steps away again for a second, the girl who was in the bathroom comes out, and the girlfriend from the couple goes in. and then the guy comes back and sees the girl and starts yelling that he’s with her so he should get to use the bathroom first. and i’m like you’re not with her, she’s by herself, i saw you bothering her, etc. just long enough to distract him so she can get the hell out of there without him harassing her further. and then he goes over and starts trying to pry the bathroom door open. and i’m already calling AP at this point but they’re not answering. and now he’s trying to start a physical fight with the boyfriend and i’m worried that when the girlfriend comes out of the bathroom he’s gonna shove his way in there and stay in there for god only knows how long doing god only knows what. and AP is not responding to me at all so i go over there and physically put myself in between him and the boyfriend so he can’t attack him and also so that when the girlfriend comes out the boyfriend can get in without the guy interfering. and the whole time i’m on the walkie like, “AP can you PLEASE come to the bathrooms,” and the guy is hurling insults at me and trying to get around me so he can get to the boyfriend and/or the bathroom. and finally every lead in the place shows up along with AP and even the store director’s boss who’s there visiting and they get the guy away from the bathrooms and the girlfriend comes out and the boyfriend is able to go in and i apologize to both of them for that guy’s behavior and they in turn apologize to ME for that guy’s behavior. and unfortunately he’s still in the store because he’s claiming he’s ordered something at starbucks and they haven’t made it yet. so he goes over there and stands there yelling at the baristas for like five minutes straight until he gets his drink and then gets the hell out of the store. and i never saw him again but this incident was literally my joker origin story

#my job wrapped

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lunaprincipessa · 4 months

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ENTRY FIFTY-SIX (CONTINUED: ENTRY SEVENTY)

Y2K: Part One

Currently watching a documentary about all the Y2K madness that started in the mid 90's. It was all about what people were fearing would happen with the computer systems "not being programmed right," potentially causing a massive technological glitch on New Years 2000. This glitch supposedly had the power to shut everything down, sending people into a frenzy to make doomsday preparations. Long story short, the world never ended, and life continued on as usual.

I hardly noticed back then. I was all of 18 and was partying way too much in those days.

But all the Y2K stuff isn't what prompted this blog. People were also discussing how computers and technology were influencing society. One woman was asked by a TV show host if computers would bring people closer together or if it would drive people further apart. "It's gonna do both, ironically." She went on to say, "It can bring the world closer together, but it can also be used to avoid human contact."

This was said long before technology was what it is today and I find her statement to be accurate, truthful, and ahead of its time. Why? Because that is EXACTLY what took place as the internet and its popularity grew.

So perhaps the real Y2K crisis wasn't computers suddenly not knowing what fuckin year it was, but the beginning stages of technology's deathgrip on humanity.

It is true, the world was most definitely brought closer together. People can easily chat with anyone from different countries at any time for example. There's also global shopping, international news, etc. In this area, the internet is a wondrous tool allowing us to experience the entire planet from the room we're sitting in. One man said in a phone interview, "now we can see how connected we all are."

Then there's that other part, "being used to avoid human contact." That's kinda what's taken place over the years too. Not all, but many kids, teens, and adults alike have nearly replaced human contact with technology. It can't be denied that technology has made communication faster and more convenient, but it deludes the connections we can form in real life. That's the issue here.

Before we go further down this aspect of it, what causes such a wondrous tool to become a psychological nightmare?

One word: overuse.

I think it's similar to alcohol and fast food where if you must partake, do so in moderation. Overuse has led us all right to a reduction in human contact and an increase in depression and isolation.

Not just depression and isolation, but there's also catfishing and cyber-bullying. All these things can serve as classic examples of needing help, needing to reach out to someone to talk to, but hoping online instead. No bueno. It doesn't actually solve the problem, it exacerbates it.

On a side note, as someone who was relentlessly bullied in school, I could not imagine the pressures kids feel today or the worries they have that their bullies will take to the internet to hurt them. It was just words and rumors when I was a kiddo and that was bad enough. Believe me! Nowadays, there's things like social media platforms that can be used to humiliate someone. How scary!!

One man in the documentary said that the internet has made it possible for all the things that have been taking shape in the human mind to have a chance to be expressed without anyone being able to do anything about it. Through motivational speakers and positive influencers that push narratives of healthy thinking and living, we can see how this is a really good thing. But through things like isolation or cyber-bullying, we can also see how this is a really bad thing as well.

Depends on how we use it and what we use it for. It's up to us!

In my view, overuse is one of the main causes of all things negative when it comes to computers and technology, aside from poor quality of life. Otherwise, going online wouldn't disrupt functioning or development as a human being. Being able to use technology as a tool is helpful but using it as a cornerstone is detrimental.

We are creatures of nature, we aren't meant to be plugged in... says the person on the internet blog but that's not the point right now. lol

The point is we can use technology to our advancement but we need to be careful before it continues to advance over us. And as far as technology replacing human contact... I won't hide the fact that getting a message from someone is exciting, but actually being able to see them, being able to look at them in real life, being able to see how the sun or moon illuminates their skin, being able to pick up on their body language, being able to smell their scent, being able to touch them, a keyboard can never compete with that. Ever.

A kid who was being interviewed about up-and-coming technology in the late 90's said, "We're gonna start to dive into the world of technology and try to survive there." Real survival and real living is done in real life. Yes, technology can make some things more efficient but we need to pay more attention to the things it's making more difficult, like person-to-person interaction and a healthy mental/emotional state. Too important to ignore!

Part Two at some point!

More thoughts later.

#Y2K

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s-the-seething-songbird-2 · 5 months

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Logs for Thomas, Part 2: #4

Song stuck in my head: "Be Alright" by Dean Lewis

I woke up this morning with a terrible amount of anxiety in my gut. For most of today, I've just felt upset, scared, and a little nauseous.

Then, a little bit before writing this, I realized that today is the day we confessed our love for each other exactly five years ago. November 14th.

It's crazy to think about. I know how long ago it was. Ages have passed, and my life is so different now. Apparently, my body doesn't care.

It was so scary, and so wonderful, and I had... such high hopes for what would come after.

It literally could not have ended worse XD

Before I even realized the date, I also couldn't stop mulling over memories of that whole mess. I thought maybe I was just having a Bad Brain Day--and truth be told, that could still be the case; maybe the date is just a coincidence--but the date explains a lot. This has happened to me every year since then. November 14th is a rough day for me, as is December 23rd. The latter is significantly worse, at least, so I have that going for me (until then).

God, I hate the holidays.

I don't hate you, if that wasn't already clear. I never did. I can't.

I've been thinking about everything that went down with Shay this year. The idea of you hating me just doesn't match up with things you've said in the past. Then again, there are many things you've said that contradict with the things you've done.

But maybe thinking about it over and over is just going to drive me crazy.

It hurts, Thomas. I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt, and confused, and there's so much I would give just to talk to you again. Yes, nonplatonic things happened between us, obviously, but what I'm most upset about is that I've lost a friend, someone who was there for me for years and years.

Even back when I was in high school, when you'd call me stupid, insult my (former) religion, or make fun of my appearance, there was always a part of me that wanted, needed, you to like me, to be proud of me.

You said you were... You said you were proud of me. How can you be proud of me and hate me at the same time?

I know that, tomorrow, a lot of these feelings will dip back under the surface, and I'll be able to feel normal again, but waiting for those hours and minutes to tick is maddening.

One moment--I'm cooking d*nner, and I have to strain the p*sta.

Okay, I'm back!

Sorry, I know it seems silly to censor those words, but based on what Shay--and you, come to think of it--have said about y'alls sensitivities about f*od, I figured it was better to be safe than sorry.

Also, the weirdest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. I had already opened a can of p*sta sa*ce to add to the sp*ghett* literally moments before, but after writing one of these paragraphs and returning to what I was doing with dinner, I... completely forgot how to use the can opener?

Warning, boring rambling ahead. Skip to the blue asterisk to bypass.

Thomas, I've been using manual can-openers for years, especially more recently, since I've agreed to cook for my partners and their kids two nights out of every week (my girlfriend was overexerting herself both at work and at home, so we came to a consensus so she's less stressed out). But all of a sudden, it was really hard to twist the thingy correctly, and the lid wouldn't budge, save for a few dents in the can. And then I realized I was holding it upside-down. Except, I wasn't, because I tried it the other way, and that didn't work either.

I paced around the kitchen and got very irritated, wondering what the hell was going on.

Then, after taking some deep breaths, I tried again, and... I did it?

Look, I'm used to forgetting a variety of things--trauma does that--but this seemed excessive, even for me.

I got really freaked out for a minute or two because one of my biggest fears is developing early-onset Alzheimer's/dementia/etc., but I still had to finish making d*nner, so I put that thought on the backburner for a bit and finished what I was doing.

But then I noticed something else: I left a mess. I may not be the most organized person in the world, but this was on another level. I could barely even pour the strained n*odles back into the pot, so 1/3 of it was just strewn out on the stove, like a fresco of shitty m*c*roni art. And that doesn't even mentioned the sauce splatters all over the counter, among other things. I was even having trouble opening the can of br*sch*tta s*as*ning, and it's literally just a matter of opening the right side of the lid, which I did incorrectly several times.

Then, I wanted to clean everything up before setting the table, but I just... didn't have it in me? Every time I've made d*nner since I agreed to this deal, I've cleaned up after myself. Every time.

How did I forget all of these adult responsibilities so quickly? It was just, like,,, POOF, gone.

*And then I realized that these were all problems I used to have back in 2018, around the same time the affair started, when I was (bodily) 17 and just starting to learn how to cook.

So... it would appear that these mental/emotional flashbacks haven't stopped yet. -_-

That was frustrating--and unnerving. But I suppose this is further confirmation that our brain is still really fucked up over the whole thing.

I'll be alright, I promise.

Shit, I have to go now

-S

#logs for thomas #11/14/23

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theghostpinesmusic · 8 months

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Sky Lakes Loop (1/3)

This is my first trip report for a hiking route that I came up with myself!

Most of the backpacking trips I go on are along generally-known routes using itineraries that others have established: whether they're along sections of the PCT, other, local trails, established climber/scramble trails, or some combination of all of those things (like my Three-Fingered Jack trip was), they tend to be routes that are widely known and take place fully along established trails. You can read about them ahead of time online, usually they (or something like them) can be seen on AllTrails, and so on.

Occasionally, I'll do a trip where most of the itinerary is established, but I'll throw in some random bushwhacking and/or other deviations if I'm comfortable enough with the area. For example, when Lindsey and I did a circumnavigation of the Three Sisters in 2018, we were following an established itinerary (and had in fact gotten the idea for the hike originally from some generic "Best Backpacking Trips In the U.S." article online), but we deviated from the route on day two to bushwhack/scramble up, along, and over the eastern shoulder of South Sister rather than taking the trail so we could see the Chambers Lakes (which aren't on a trail, per se) and camp at Camp Lake). This happens to be an example where we were both deviating from the "usual" itinerary and leaving the trail to do so. I don't do this all that often, but one thing I do like to do is use GaiaGPS to find way to knit existing trails together in a way that allows me to do a hike that isn't based on someone else's established itinerary but doesn't require a lot of off-trail routefinding.

Like most wilderness enthusiasts, I have my fair share of misgivings about AllTrails, Facebook, etc. as apps that help drive an unprecedented amount of (often underprepared) hikers to previously "hidden" wilderness areas, but there's also something to be said for their ability to make known places that I (and others) would never have stumbled upon without them, especially if you live in, say, the middle of nowhere in southern Oregon. It's difficult to come down too hard on these apps without feeling like a hypocrite, as I wouldn't have learned about all of my favorite backpacking loops in the Trinities as well as many other routes like the Broken Top Loop without them. It's great in a lot of ways to be able to identify some of the best-regarded hikes in your area in seconds, get up-to-the-day trip reports from other hikers, and know exactly what the trail will be like before you go. The wilderness will still always throw unexpected joys and challenges in your way as you hike; sometimes it's nice to feel like the initial details, at least, are predictable.

That said, there's no real substitute, in my opinion, for the feeling of sitting down with a bunch of maps and nerding out for an hour or two, stitching trails together, measuring mileages and distances between water sources, wincing at elevation gain estimates, and ultimately coming up with an itinerary that's all your own, then going out there and getting to walk it for a few days.

So, the point of this over-long and overly-caffeinated introduction is to set up my trip report for my most recent backpacking in the Sky Lakes Wilderness.

Sky Lakes, besides having the objectively best wilderness area name, is sort of my "home" wilderness. It's just north of Klamath Falls, and hiking into it from the Cold Springs trailhead, where I started this hike from, requires only about a forty-five minute drive from my house. Mountain Lakes Wilderness is actually an even closer drive, but Sky Lakes is a bit more expansive and allows for longer trips. I'm hoping to do an overnight trip into Mountain Lakes later this summer, though, so I'll write about that if/when the time comes.

In addition to having "local" appeal, Sky Lakes is rarely traveled. As you'll hear about later, it was oddly full of people during my most recent visit, but I've been going there for ten years and more often than not encounter literally no other people, unless I'm climbing Mount McLoughlin on a weekend, when you'll typically see 20-30 others over the course of a 6-8 hour hike.

All that said, Sky Lakes sports lots of beautiful trails and (surprise!) a ton of alpine lakes. What it doesn't have, to my knowledge at least, is any "marquee" backpacking routes. So, a few years ago, I made up my own.

Basically, this is a loop hike that encompasses the Heavenly Lakes/Isherwood Lake basin, the Trapper Lake/Marguerette Lake basin, and the Seven Lakes basin. The great thing about this loop is its variety: you can access it at different points from at least four different trailheads, and along the way there are a few variations that you can throw in depending on how far you want to hike, how much you want to climb, and/or how many lakes you want to see. I've done the loop a few times now, and even managed, once, to do it as a sort of figure-eight, which was fun.

Because I'd done the loop a few times before, it was low on my priority list this summer, but two weeks ago everywhere else was smoked out due to some new wildfires both north and south, and yet the K-Falls area had beautiful blue skies. I had a few free days and I realized I'd never done the loop counter-clockwise before. And, honestly, I don't need much more of an excuse than that to hike in the woods for three days at the best of times. So, one forty-five minute drive later, I started north from the Cold Springs trailhead into Sky Lakes.

I've stared this loop from a few of the other trailheads before (Cherry Creek TH, Nannie Creek TH), but they all add a four-to-five-mile "lollipop stick" to the loop, whereas starting from Cold Springs has you on the main loop immediately. The lollipop hikes are beautiful in their own right, but they're all further drives from home, and I felt familiar enough with them from past experience that I was happy to get right to it this time from Cold Springs.

The Cold Springs trail heads north and pretty much immediately enters a burn zone, this one from the 2017 Pelican Fire. It doesn't effect much of the trail and it's one of only two small burn zones along the whole loop. It might be a bit jarring if you aren't used to hiking through burn zones, but who isn't these days? This time of year, there's plenty of regrown understory to gawk at, including an enormous amount of fireweed.

Almost immediately, you hit the wilderness boundary and then an intersection. You can go right or left and stay on the loop either way (basically you are circling the first of three basins here). I went left because I usually go right. I would take the "right-hand" path on the way back two days later. The left turn takes you out of the burn zone quickly, and then past Notasha, Elizabeth, and Isherwood Lakes. Isherwood Lake, in particular, has an awesome camp spot that I always ogle but never camp at because it always falls during a weird part of the hike where it never really makes sense to stop for the night. That was the case here, too, but I stopped briefly to take in the view and drink some water.

From here, the trail loops back around to join up with the "main" Sky Lakes Trail, and I continued north. If you look at a map of the area, there area a ton of off-trail lakes throughout this section of trail. I've never bothered to bushwhack to any of them except for Lake Liza, but I'd love to take the time to do so someday. This time around, I kept heading north, while occasionally catching blue glimpses of the rogue lakes to my left and right.

The trail climbs a little over the next few miles as you head toward the Trapper Lake basin, but it's nothing unmanageable. This is also one of the few parts of the trail you have to repeat if doing the entire loop: there's only one trail that joins these two lake basins, which means you've got to deal with it twice. It's not bad, though, and quickly enough you're at one of my favorite lakes in the entire loop: Trapper Lake.

I'd share a photo of this now, but since I cross-post to Instagram and it only allows ten photos, I'll save my Trapper photos for when I write up days two and three of the hike. Suffice to say it's pretty great.

In the past, I've always gone "right"/northeast from this basin to continue onto the next portion of the loop, so this time I mixed things up and went "left"/northwest instead. This actually takes you south for a bit as you wind around below the cliffs that tower above Trapper Lake and past some smaller lakes (including the named Lake No-See-Um and some unnamed ones too). Then you start the first "legit" (take that however you want) climb of the trip.

In total, you gain about eight-hundred feet here. You're in the shade of the forest for the first half, but the second part is pretty exposed. Fortunately, it's beautiful in a particularly southern Oregon way. Once you've climbed about four hundred feet, you'll realize that you're standing on the cliffs you saw previously from below, and you can look down from above and understand how Sky Lakes got its name.

From here, you continue to climb and somewhere along the way the wilderness takes on a much more alpine character. After some particularly steep switchbacks, Mount McLoughlin comes into view for the first time.

Shortly after this, you merge onto the PCT to continue heading north. Though it isn't named, this a pass of sorts, as you top out on the western shoulder of Luther Mountain. If you like punishing yourself for some reason, you can summit Luther Mountain from here; while the approach is really steep and loose, it's obvious and "easy" to follow, and it's certainly the easiest way to summit the mountain if you have to. I did it five years or so ago and wouldn't recommend the experience.

Anyway, on the PCT I almost immediately started crossing paths with some thru-hikers, all of whom stopped to chat and assumed that I was also a thru-hiker, heading north. Not true, but it always feels good to pass as someone capable of hiking 2,600 miles nonstop, even though I'm not.

The first stretch of the PCT here takes you through the loop's other burn zone, much of which burnt twice in 2014 due to two different fires. Like the burn zone near Cold Springs, though, this one has had some time to grow back, and with the fireweed and wide open views of the surrounding mountains in all directions, it's actually one of my favorite parts of the loop.

Right before you exit the burn area, there is an intersection with the excellently-named Snow Lakes Trail, which I planned to pick up on my way back through the second half of the loop the next afternoon. For now, I took a break in a small patch of shade next to the trail sign, then continued north on the PCT.

This section traverses along a steep ridge for a bit, with some excellent views off to the west, before passing right underneath the summit of Shale Butte. You can scramble up this one, too, and if you like scrambling on shale plates, this is a pretty short climb for a solid payoff. Otherwise, you continue north beneath the intensely-named Lucifer Peak and then come to an intersection where either right or left can eventually get you to the Seven Lakes Basin, the third of the three basins along the loop and the northern "top" of the loop.

Again, I usually go right here, so instead I went left. You pass underneath two more named summits - Jupiter and Venus - here and then you come to an intersection with the Seven Lakes Trail.

Fun aside (because there haven't been enough of those in this post already): if you're of the peak-bagging persuasion and aren't adverse to a little off-trail scrambling, you can approach the basin via this trail and, instead of descending into it, follow along the ridgeline and climb seven peaks in one day. I did this once way back when and got six of the named highpoints before a downpour forced me to head back to the car instead of climbing Violet Hill, which would have been the seventh.

On this particular day, I was descending into the basin instead of bagging summits, so I went east. From this intersection, you descend pretty quickly into a beautiful alpine pine forest, and continue descending through mixed forest and rockpiles before reaching the first of the seven lakes of the Seven Lakes Basin: South Lake.

South Lake is nice, but I bypassed it quickly enough in favor of Cliff Lake, which was my goal for the night. Every time I'd done this loop in the past, I'd spent one of the nights at Cliff Lake: it's a beautiful lake with a great view of the looming Devil's Peak, and a number of fantastic campsites.

I've always had the place more or less to myself in the past, so I was surprised to find upon rolling up that every single campsite I knew of was already occupied for the night. I even headed to the southern shore of the lake, where there is a campsite that is kinda-sorta-but-maybe-not "CLOSED FOR RESTORATION," thinking of that spot as a last resort, but was immediately chased away by two huge, off-leash dogs belonging to a couple who was camped directly underneath the "CLOSED" sign. Huh.

I was pretty dispirited by this turn of events. Of course, wilderness is equally open to everyone's use, but I was surprised that every spot around the lake was taken.

At this point, it was about two hours until sunset, and with the choice to either a) double back to South Lake or b) continue on, I chose to continue on. I'd planned to take a dayhike the next morning to the off-the-beaten-path Lake Ivern, and so I decided I would just start walking in that direction now instead and see what happened.

What happened was that I pretty quickly came upon Middle Lake, and some open camp spots there, but at that point I had in my head that I was going to hike all the way to Ivern and camp there. This would turn out to be a mistake. For the time being, I noted the best Middle Lake campsite mentally and pushed on to Ivern.

The hike through this section of trail was pretty interesting. As someone who knows the main parts of the this loop more or less by heart at this point, I found the character of the Lake Ivern trail to be different. It mostly descends toward the lake through deep forest, past a number of springs that trickle down from the west and run across the trail. There were huckleberry and whortleberry bushes everywhere, and I grabbed and ate a bunch of both as I walked, already racing the sunset and not wanting to stop and fish a snack out of my pack.

All in all, it was a really idyllic though somewhat forced two-mile march, so I was surprised when I reached the lake proper to find it to be shallow, scummy, and surrounded by a combination of old snags and burnt, dead trees. There was one campsite there, but it was oddly sloped and the surrounding area was depressing to look at in a way that I don't normally encounter out in the wild. I had been out of water for a long time, so I had to fill one bottle in the scummy lake, but I didn't relish the idea of taking all of my drinking and cooking water until the next afternoon out of it.

Had it been an emergency situation, I could definitely have stayed there with little trouble, but with another hour left until sunset, I grudgingly did what seemed like the obvious thing: hiked back up the Lake Ivern trail back to Middle Lake.

The silver lining and the conclusion of this much-too-long post is that on the way back to Middle Lake, I noticed, in the failing light, a campsite that was much better than any of the others I'd seen when I'd passed through earlier. Not only was this spot a bit further off the trail than the others, it also featured a footpath that provided easy access to the (clean) lake, and a great view of Devil's Peak in the distance.

I didn't get to said camp spot until dark, which meant I had to set up camp, cook, and sort and store all of my gear in the dark, but this was far from the first time I've had to do that, and it was much warmer than it had been those other times.

In the end, I had a nice, relaxing dinner, and even took the time to take some astrophotos of the lake, the mountain, and the stars.

I'd planned to hike fourteen miles from Cold Springs to Cliff Lake on this first day, but due to some digressions and the added mileage to and from Lake Ivern, my GPS ended up counting twenty-one miles...the most I've ever hiked in one day with a full backpacking pack. Fortunately, the terrain is Sky Lakes is a little more forgiving than say, in the Trinities or the Wallowas, where twenty-one miles is an entirely different proposition. That said, I fell asleep pretty much the moment I laid down in the tent. Tomorrow, I hoped, would be a little more straightforward.

#backpacking #hiking #camping #photos #traveling #mountains #alpine lakes #sky lakes wilderness #southern oregon

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lifewithoutmeds · 1 year

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December 12, 2022

monday evening. 8:07 p.m. lorena’s out with the gf, presumably.

she had mentioned she would be out looking for a job, “getting lunch,” and going to the gym, but we share locations and after a brief period driving around silverlake, she seems to have gone to Ramen of/on York, then her gf’s apartment, and is now roaming around Eagle Rock Plaza, oddly, as it’s one of the shittiest malls around, but i guess it’s something to do and it’s local and free to look, so why not.

i wfh today and it was rough. i was waiting on a template from a coworker, but he didn’t send it, and so all day i spent trying to figure out how to account for my time when i really hadn’t done much except attend an hour-long meeting. i’m not sure whether it’s more frustrating to have too little time to do too much or too much time to do too little, not sure why i can’t have a happy medium.

have been reflecting a LOT with lorena around/not around. it’s making me realize what i’ll do just to be in someone’s orbit. it’s like i’ve found the ultimate beauty, the ultimate muse, the ultimate ... whatever, and for a while it was enough for me to just be near it, to bask in its glow, to be permitted in its presence, and if that meant just shoveling up the shit left behind or cleaning up after it, it was still something, and maybe it’s all i thought i was good for/all i deserved, but i’m realizing .... that i’m giving my best and my most for a person who takes it for granted, and i make it easier/enable her/reinforce her beliefs that she doesn’t have to lift a finger and i’ll do all the heavy lifting if it means i can be around her.

i’m realizing ....

i want to be worth more than what i give/can give in a situation. i want to be appreciated for my humor and intellect and not just my generosity. i want to be around people who respect and even ask for some boundaries. i want to be around people who have nothing to gain from me outside of honest-to-goodness friendship.

i have never been so starkly aware of being in a transitional time.

i feel restless, i feel weirded out by time. the days are too long. the days are too short. nothing is getting done. i am waiting. i am lola on the third iteration of Run Lola Run, all the avenues have already been pursued and are dead ends, and now i just run straight ahead, looking, waiting for some sign that any of this is the way it’s supposed to be. a part of me wants to lose weight and thinks there will not be another opportunity as good as right now, but a part of me is just sad and lazy and wants to curl into a ball and not get up. i can’t believe my antidepressants have effectively doubled and yet i am still quite unequivocally depressed. i feel strangely empty and yet tortured.

a part of me believes that i am slowly outliving my usefulness to lorena. she needed a place to stay, she needed a reason/encouragement/landing pad/crash pad/launching pad to get a foothold in LA, and i willingly provided it all, pulled out the red carpet, and made it so easy for her to settle in and get comfortable here. there is some mutual respect. there is some mutual regard. i genuinely am a fan of her singing and guitaring, and i think she has a respect for my writing and my ability to express myself. we’ve shared things, talked about things. i’ve “jokingly” asked her to remember me when she makes it big, whether it be as a pilot, or influencer/tiktoker, and she’s said she will gift me a million dollar house if she does so, and i know that a part of her genuinely means it, but a part of her is very dismissive of everything. i do think she really appreciates all i do for her but i’m just a nice, friendly person who does things, gives things, etc. and i’ve been very helpful and nice these past few weeks and haven’t expected much in return. i feel like sometimes when she comes in, it’s SO reminiscent of nida, half apologetic, half wanting to make it up to me, but mostly just passing through, taking a shower, grabbing some clothes, and making her way out again. she’ll bring me an egg mcmuffin and/or play a round of guitar hero with me, then shower, and off she goes again, and i’ll see her again sometime the next day.

should i be glad? should i be grateful? there was a time when i would have flown on a plane just to be on the same flight as her, just to catch a glimpse of her coming and going every couple of hours. i would’ve gone to any of her layovers just for a dinner with her. and now, i get to see her nearly everyday. i spent an entire weekend camping with her in pismo beach. granted she was on her phone half of the time and not paying attention to me but THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME she was, and i loved it.

this situation won’t last long. she’ll find a new place to live soon, whether it be with the gf or in some other situation that doesn’t involve me, and .... maybe we’ll get drinks here and there, maybe she’ll come by for guitar hero, but .... but i feel like upon outliving my usefulness, that may be the end of the Lorena chapter of my life.

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3desiderium3 · 3 years

Text

For your love

chapter six - Spring day

[ series masterlist ]

previous chapter | next chapter

pairings : reader x damiano david

story summary : damiano and reader are in very loving relationship that sometimes almost too quickly becomes too toxic for anyone likings

chapter warning (s) : this is sad af i made myself sad once again , some strong language and violent behavior , mentions of alcoholism , suicide and depression

They say healing takes time .

For Y/N time felt cruel . It was cold and slow .

It felt like winter . Y/N hated winter . That cold cruel and monstrous time of the year always left deep cuts on her brain and her soul . Every year for her was separated in 2 parts .

One was surviving the winter and having to deal mentally with all the problems and abnormally painful experiences . Constantly drowning .

The other part was trying to swim out of that freezing lake of trauma before she suffocated .

She hated the winter cause that was the time Damiano and her met .

She was never going to erase that day from her head and she was never going to forget each individual pain she felt in that period .

The pain he caused .

She always felt so melancholic and dizzy in that time of the year . Lost . Alone . Fragile .

One and half month has passed since she left Damiano and that month felt exactly like winter.

' I miss you

Saying this only makes me miss all you more

Even though I'm looking at your photo

Time's so cruel , I hate us

It's all winter here , Even in August '

She didn't hear a word from him . From almost no one actually . She disconnected from the real world fully . Only keeping the contact with Thomas , her parents and Vic of course .

Ethan had a hard time figuring out on his own what was happening . But he remained silent .

He didn't wanted to pick up the bleeding wound .

Y/N spent that month in her room . Crying . Trying not to focus on the sharp pains in her chest each night as she would listen over and over again Damiano's voice messages and Måneskins songs . She restored all the deleted pictures . She stopped eating and drinking water . She was just smoking in her bed and sleeping next to an overfill ashtray . Her hair always greasy and tied up . Her eyelashes always soaked up in tears . She avoided human touch the best she could .

Thomas was trying so hard to get her out of that depressive state along with Victoria .

They failed each time . And every other .

So they stopped forcing what the couldn't get .

Måneskin wasn't having rehearsals yet . Well I mean they did sometimes . But without Damiano .. Not because they weren't in touch but because every time they schedule one he cancels it .

He never showed actually up . Always having some lame excuses behind him .

Y/N was constantly playing their shared memories in her head like a dusty retro movie .

It was all she was thinking about . Nothing else . Everything was black and non existing beside him .

Just him .

How is he ? Did he ate today ? Is he sleeping well ? Is he having fun without her ? Is he with someone else ?

She often found herself lost in thoughts filled with suspicion , such as was he ever cheating on her etc etc .

The more time she spent with Victoria the more she became obsessed with an idea that Damiano and her used to have thing .

Some of Damiano's stuff appearing in her apartment such as jewelry and clothes .

An idea of going through Victoria's messages with him was also on her mind all day .

Y/N was always one click away from sending him that ' Hey I miss you , how you've been ? ' message . But always deleting it and putting her phone away .

When she was not thinking of him she was dreaming him . She was dreaming of his apologizes . All the things she wanted him to say to her he only spoke in a dream .

' I miss you

How long do I have to wait

How many nights do I have to pass

To see you ? '

Every day passed so slow because every day was the same .

She would woke up , trying to memorize and analyze all the dreams she had about Damiano , cry because she misses him and his sweet praises , maybe eat something , go back to bed and cry , smoke and drink , vomit if she feels like it , shake from all that stress until her stomach aches , cry and sleep for the rest of the day and at the end she goes back to sleep while thinking of him and later on dreaming of him .

Very often she questioned if this was the best option . Was it a good thing that she just went ? Was it a good thing that she broke up ? Maybe she should've given him second chance .. Maybe she should've at least tell him she planned on leaving , or leave a not whatever .

But he gave up so easily ..

He gave up ...

He never bothered finding her or searching for her ..

' I try to exhale you

Like white smoke

I say that I'll erase you

But I can't let you go yet . '

Y/N felt confused and like her tongue was cut off . She craved for some answers and explanations feeling like she was left unfinished with her words .

Would her even consider responding to her call ?

It was easy for her to explain how she felt but it was hard to understand .

She felt like she had her lungs overfilled with air , like someone kept pouring hot gelatin water on her head , like her bones where heavy , she was exhausted , paranoid , lonely , scared ...

But healing takes time ..

Already two full months passed . Y/N felt like the winter inside of her slowly started to turn into spring .

She gathered some hope for her , she felt like she was able to bloom and breath again .

The final day came . The day she left the house . Well the day she left her room . She washed her hair , she dressed nicely and cleaned up her disgusting room .

Victoria was proud . She almost shaded tears of joy . Her friend started the healing process and she was there by her side .

Y/N went in town to buy some simple groceries .

The day was hot and sunny , people had smiles on their faces . She hasn't landed a thought on Damiano for the past 2 or more days .

She was almost done with shopping when she entered one larger store to buy one single thing she couldn't find anywhere .

And oh boy ... She had what to see ...

She saw him . For the first time she saw him . How didn't she manage to spot his car outside ? Why today ? ?

She felt overwhelmed . Lump in her throat as her clothes became tight on her . She tried pretending she didn't saw him .

But she did . And she memorized every detail from his head to toe .

He looked flawless . No sight of fatigue on his face , no sight of suffer or regret . No nothing . He looked fine . Like he hadn't spent a night without sleep or day without shower . He looked fresh , rested and glamorous .

It awoke rage in Y/N . She was so sure he was feeling at least a bit of the pain she felt . But she saw that he was wrong .

That one fucking ingredient she needed was in a row in front of him , there was no way that he didn't saw her ..

She kept walking , gaze straight ahead pretending she didn't spotted him . But with the edge of her eye she saw him looking at her and making his direction towards her .

Y/N panicked . She practically ran towards the cashier and out of the store felling like all the air she felt overfilling her lungs disappeared .

" Do you need a drive ? " That voice . That velvety sweet voice sent chills to her spine , she was mad . So god damn mad that he was fine doing just fine . Who knows ? Maybe he even moved one with someone else by his side .

' Is it you who changed?

Or is it me?

I hate even this moment that is passing by

I guess we are changed

Just like everyone you know '

" I gotta go to another store it is really close . " Y/N tried lying . " Oh no problem I can drop you off . " He sounded so normal and casual .

Like they where fucking acquaintances not ex lovers .

At this point she didn't felt like resisting . So she just simply went in his car praying that there indeed was some store near .

" How've you've been Y/N ? " " Good. " There was a certain moment of silence . " And you ? " "Just the casual you know . I went to see Ethan this morning and I stopped by to buy bear there is a game tonight . "

" It's here . Thanks for the drop out . "

Y/N said and almost ran out of the car slamming it hardly behind her.

She entered that store and pretended to search for something until she saw him leaving behind the block .

She sighed , tears running gently down her cheeks . She felt so ashamed and so betrayed . How dumb was she actually ? Thinking that he cared for her . ' If he wanted to call he would do it . If he wanted to see how I was he would do it . '

Somehow she dragged herself back to Victoria's . She didn't shared a word with her as she was making her way back to her bed .

Back to that cold room . The room that smelled like winter .

* meanwhile damiano's p.o.v *

Damiano was not doing well . He was sleeping in his stuff that still barely had any of Y/N's fragrance left . In 2 months since their break up nothing good happened to him . He moved back in in his and Y/N's house . Keeping it clean and in peace . He pretended as if they never broke up . He started talking to himself pretending like Y/N was listening . He had no one to yell at .

He slept on her side of the bed , ate on the same spot at the table she used to sit . Read her books on her chair in living room . Sleep in her t-shirts , walk around the house in socks and her hoodies . He cried every damn night . It was eating him alive .

How he let her slip through his fingers . How he made her run away .

When he wasn't sad he was mad . He was cursing her he was yelling and shouting in an empty room . Because he was simply broken and sad . Disappointed and unsatisfied . Mad at himself .

At first he was so determined to find her . There was not a person he asked where she lived , with who she was staying , did she changed her number . He searched for her everywhere . The other band members didn't wanted to tell him however . They knew but they pretended like they had no idea even if they where in touch with her every day . He was slowly losing hope for her .

Even in those toughest moments he tried not to come out as too soft or caring . He never dared to let anyone know how he truly felt . He always pretended like he was doing okay and like he was fine like he didn't care . He put extra effort in his personal looks so it appeared like he was glowing .

But it was eating him out alive every night .

Where is she , how is she , is she alive , is someone taking care of her and her needs ?

' Yeah, I hate you

You left me

But I never stopped thinking about you

Not even a day

Honestly, I miss you

But now I’ll erase you

Because it hurts less than to blame you '

He prayed he could just see her one more time .

And his prayers have been granted . He saw her . He finally did .

She seemed tinier than he remembered , dark circles under her eyes and her posture bended . He offered to give her ride just so he could see where she lives . He wanted to know if she was safe .

After she rejected him coldly he turned around the corner and waited in his car until she was back in his sight walking towards the very familiar path .

He was trying his best to remember how he knew this path .

And once he saw her entering Victoria's house he bit his tongue . He was gripping the wheel with such force his knuckles went white .

' So she was the one hiding you from me . '

Then it clicked inside of his brain .

Thomas knew , Victoria knew and Ethan knew .

They all knew where she was . And no one wanted to help him reach her . They made a fool our of him that day , letting him go in their house while knowing she wouldn't be there .. They made a fool out of him every day when they told him that they had no clue where she was .

He sat there and smoked at least 3 cigarettes before driving off to Thomas's place .

He was going to make a scene .

Måneskin gathered at Thomas's house for the game night .

Damiano silently went in . Prepared for the cold war . Three of them sat on a couch in living room across the huge TV , laughing . " Ay man did you bought the bear ? " Thomas asked still smiling .

Damiano huffed . He was so annoyed , he walked closer to Thomas almost towering him .

" I will fucking kill you . " Those words where followed by Damiano slapping his friend and Victoria letting out loud scream . Ethan gasped and tried separating them .

These two where on the floor wrestling with each others hands around their necks .

" Daminao stop what is wrong with you for fucks sake ! " Victoria yelled . Once they separated , she was rubbing Thomas's back , the golden boy was all red in his face and his eyes teary .

" YOU FUCKING KNEW ! ! ! ALL OF YOU FUCKING KNEW ! " The other members watched their friend in shock as he was exploding from rage . This type of behavior he didn't surfaced in months .

" ALL OF YOU ! FUCKING KNEW ! WHERE SHE WAS , HOW SHE'S BEEN AND YOU HELPED HER GET AWAY FROM ME ! ! ! "

Not only Damiano was shouting but he was also crying .

He was crying and sobbing with his lips visibly shaking , his hands in his hair . This was the first time he cried in front of them in 2 months .

" I WAS THE WORST ! I STILL AM ! SHE DESERVED BETTER ! BUT NONE OF YOU WANTED TO TELL ME IF SHE IS EVEN ALIVE ! "

" Dami - " " SHUT UP ! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS IS ! "

He was breathing very hard now . Not only his lips but his whole body was shaking now . " I need her .. I need Y/N ... I will rather die than not be in her arms again .. I - I want her back .. "

The only sound in the room was the background TV sound . Thomas , Victoria and Ethan watching Damiano cry in front of them and scream his pain out . They felt guilty .

" I need to call her .. "

A/N i used BTS song spring day in few references . Hope you like it and leave a heart on if you do <33

taglist : @ella-nordstrm3 , @urskaa , @lovelysaltyland , @littleachaos , @whoreforhenrycavill , @13journals , @onceuponparrilla , @21nell , @davedace101 , @vainbimbo , @aliyeaz , @vandafabryova , @miriampraez , @foggyhottubcandy , @daringovangel , @inr89 , @fanfictioncafe , @mrsllshhb , @ over-themoon , @theclavvofaraven , @annika0-o , @thxtsclxssified , @goddessofthem0on , @ellabeth , @vandafabryova , @olivera-gajic

#damiano david #ethan torchio #eurovision italy #fanfic #relationship #thomas raggi #damiano maneskin #eurosong #eurovision #maneskin #victoria de an #victoria de angelis #love #breakup

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