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five-thousand-loaves-of-bread · 1 year

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my frustration with “going nonverbal/nonspeaking” (as a fully nonverbal person)

transcript: my frustration with “going nonverbal/nonspeaking” (as a fully nonverbal person)

this written for instagram because of this post. but thought tumblr may like it too. “you” means general you, no one specific.

the instagram post and this on wordpress

this disclaimer is for instagram but also for anyone new to this discussion:

in full honestly, don’t know how to write this. am tired, language and complex ideas too much at time of writing, and general exhaust at having to argue same thing over and over again and justify own existence. tired of being minority within minority, wish there are others to do these work for me so i don’t have to do it all by self, singlehandedly advocate for everyone (not to mention problem with that—i can’t speak for everyone).

so honestly, if you don’t have anything nice to say, especially if you speaking (yes, even if you lose speech. include you), just don't say anything at all. move on.

online actually autistic community (AAut) dominated by white, lower support needs. level 1, speaking, late diagnosed, high masking autistics. find people like you is great, what not great is you treat your very narrow community as “voice of all autistic” and your experience as ultimate autistic experience. i write plenty about that, many more elaborate than this, if you not familiar with this concept.

many people in this community experience times when cannot speak, sometimes because overwhelm, shutdown, dissociate, or anxiety (situational mutism), but do not struggle with act of speaking rest of time (some struggle with speech all the time but still can speak - more on that later). the community call “going nonverbal/nonspeaking,” or even “when i am nonverbal nonspeaking” (not talking about those nonverbal as child and verbal now older), after clinical term “nonverbal” (nonverbal autism) and term coined by apraxic nonspeaking autistics “nonspeaking.”

both of which talk about it as an “all the time” experience.

when i search nonverbal or nonspeaking because i want community too, want see people like me too, two category i see: 1) parents of nonverbal nonspeaking children, whom can’t relate to because age, who can’t write own experience because their age and developmental ability. and 2) overwhelming amount of speaking autistic talk about going nonverbal going nonspeaking.

and the very very few fully nonverbal nonspeaking voices. drowned out. cannot find anyone.

nonverbal used to be term to describe us, people who can’t speak or cannot functionally speak beyond few words. medical term, alright, so some of us don’t like. so some of us reject that and create term all of our own, called nonspeaking. created by nonspeaking autistics with severe apraxia and brain body disconnect, describe their own experience of able to think in words able to spell out words (with great dedication and work and support), just cannot do that with mouth. their term. they create.

and you take it? without knowing context? without reading anything by those same nonspeaking coiners?

when is last time you purposely seek out nonverbal nonspeaking voices? when is last time you accidentally came across us? can you name any nonverbal nonspeaking advocate that talk about their experiences? one? two? three? a BIPOC person, a (specifically) Black person? a Black woman? a trans person? a physically disabled person? a person not from western world?

same narrative over and over. “i can speak for nonverbal autistic i understand their experience because i am autistic i can’t talk sometimes” no you cannot. as someone who was able to speak when young who lose speech (”go nonverbal”) but now have no speech to lose because full time nonverbal. no the experience not the same. not comparable. you gain it back. i don’t. you can explain with mouth words what happen when you get out. i can’t, i only have AAC. countless nonverbal nonspeaking people without AAC or sign cannot, at all. you never experience daily small and big struggle of casually being nonverbal all the time.

your experience of lose speech unique from my nonverbal. but if you so insist to compare and equate, you only guest to my experience, my daily life.

“when i go nonverbal and no one understand so have to force to speak” i cannot force words out. know you don’t mean to say this, and not saying you at fault for this, but nevertheless accidental perpetuate and reinforce idea that anyone who don’t speak can just be forced to speak if try hard enough. but often not how it works. and this exact harmful rhetoric devoid and delays nonverbal nonspeaking people given access to AAC, because “need try to force words out first, AAC unnatural so last resort.”

this may be new concept for you. new concept to instagram, to tiktok. to other places. it may seem i only one with this problem, “i once saw a nonspeaking person’s account and they don’t have problem.”

yeah, because we are not monolith. some nonverbal nonspeaking people don’t care. some nonverbal nonspeaking people may even welcome “go nonverbal nonspeaking” or “when i am nonverbal nonspeaking.”

but don’t be fooled into believe i only one. have many nonverbal/nonspeaking and/or higher support needs friends on tumblr, who talk about this who have been saying this for years. *years*. years before i joined. i am not creator, i only bring message here, because many of us are too high support needs too disabled to do anything else. many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because it most peaceful, because at least some listen, because least hostile, because need to defend our experience against our own community the least. (but it happens less doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, we still exhausted.) many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because that all we can handle, or because we not allowed or shouldn’t be on other social media because age or abilities or both.

i cannot handle conflict i do not do well and i shouldn’t be here. but if not me, who else? if i don’t do it, who else is going to?

some nonverbal nonspeaking people and parents of them may question, why you start debate about useless term when so many nonverbal nonspeaking people don’t even have access to communicate, real problems. to that i say i do those work too. and to that i say this is real problem too, because am autistic so online actually autistic community should also be my space too but it not. but it hostile. because am lonely because seeing yourself so crucial because don’t know anyone in person like me don’t have any friends in person like me, so i go online to find people like me and i cannot because no own term to search and what used to be term many people without similar experience insist they understand and can speak for me because they say we have similar experience. because this aloneness and the unique difficulty from being full time nonverbal and the struggle of future and the unique mistreatment from both outside but also inside community have drove me over edge many times and it is presence and knowing their presence of my tumblr nonverbal nonspeaking / higher support needs friends that gave me hope to stay. because so many people don’t listen and instead speak over. terminology only a symptom of problem. address roots, sure, but part of address roots is address symptoms.

‘well nonverbal people are never around” maybe it because you don’t make it welcome for us to join.

“fully nonverbal rare anyway” estimated 30% of us nonverbal nonspeaking, which this statistic probably only count those nonverbal since birth. even more are minimally speaking or without full functional communication, abilities limited to requests. sure, 30% still not majority. but significant amount never the less. speaking lower support needs autistic without intellectual disability not majority anyway too but your experience still deserve heard. ours too.

“see less nonverbal people because they don't have ability to communicate and use social media” yes, many nonverbal nonspeaking people not given access to communication (like AAC), forced to live in silence (because body language communication not enough alone!). silence from birth to teenage years, to adulthood, even until they die. some cannot understand social media or AAC because intellectual disability or cognitive ability. some not allowed on there because safety, some not allowed on because presumed incompetent and abused. all true. do you advocate for them too? or is it just talking point against me, pretend you care?

but not all of us, we exist. some of us thankfully supportive parents all along, parents given resources, us given resources, so we access to AAC since beginning. some of us became nonverbal later in life (which not same experience as those early in life, i acknowledge). some of us after years of forced silence, finally given access to AAC and can now communicate and advocate! some of us on social media - do you listen?

but you see none of us in your community anyway. maybe one token person.

you can go nonverbal. i cannot go verbal. see difference? you can come close to my experience, but i never will have (future) ability to go to yours.

it frustrate that have to specify am nonverbal **all the time** when write this, because if don’t do that will be assumed otherwise. frustrate that when in neurodivergent space stranger see me AAC they assume i can speak because they only know part time users (know part time users frustrate too because people assume they cannot speak and get surprised when they do. me being assumed automatic part time is not fault of part time AAC users.)

even been told am privileged to be nonverbal nonspeaking, privilege over speaking autistic who lose speech because in their mind it mean i get all support i need i get all recognition get all the representation. which. couldn’t be farther from truth.

all that. is fraction of reason i frustrate at “going nonverbal nonspeaking” and “when i was nonverbal nonspeaking.”

so many other words. lose speech. intermittent speech.

just want have own sub community where can find people similar experience.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #autism #nonverbal #nonspeaking #actually nonverbal #actually nonspeaking #nd #asd #loaf screm #long post

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rainswept · 7 months

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you ask for Fontaine brain rot/reqs, I deliver.

So idk if you've done the recent archon quest and lyney/lynette story quest so if you haven;t be careful caus i will be spoling !

That part where Lyney is freaking out over Freminet and Lynette had me SCREAMING especially since ive done their story quest AND ALSO FRIENDSHIP 10 LYNEY SO I HAVE THE LORE AND IT HURTS SM but I won't spoil all that for u-

so anyways, i started thinking, imagine Lyney has a lover who's been with the siblings for years (and also works for Arlecchino) and is considered another sibling by Lynette and Freminet. They were also diving with Freminet when they encountered water from the primordial sea

now imagine clorinde can only take one person with her at a time when she pulls them back, and she saves Freminet first, later going back for Lyney's s/o

Eventually Freminet wakes up like he does in the quest, but the reader just.. doesn't. Hours pass and the siblings are freaking tf out because they don't want to lose anyone.

(now I can't decide if I crave angst or if I want to comfort my babies so ill give my headcanons for both shiguegoe)

angst: Lyney's lover keeps deteriorating, parts of them gradually turning blue and quite literally withering away (caus you know the water and the dissapearances- yeah-) and the siblings can do nothing but watch

Lynette shuts down more frequently and for longer periods, not even saying anything to Lyney

Freminet blames himself for not noticing sooner, for not getting them out sooner

And then there's Lyney.. he blames himself for not only putting his siblings in danger, but losing his lover...

He sits by their bed watching as they wither away, holding their hand. He knows Father will be upset by his lack of comitment to the mission but he can't bring himself to care

The day they pass, no one says a word. They continue with their mission, report to Father, go on with their Fontainian lives until they're alone and they cry. they cry and scream and curse whatever archons or god's are listening.

AND NOW BEFORE I CRY THE HAPPIER VERSION

After days of not waking up, they finally open their eyes.

Lyney is fretting over them asking if they know where they are, who he is, what happened etc

now to throw in a tidbit of angst, what if they awoke with some disability? like they cant see anymore, they can't hear properly, cant walk properly etc

Lyney and Freminet would devasted because they blame themselves. Lynette would be quick to remind her brothers at least everyone is alive.

It'd be bad because with a disability, they can't work for Father anymore, or at least not the way they used to

AHHEOGUHEOG im stuck in a neverending brain rot my guy

Anyways. I was actually going to request for you to write your own take on this but you don't have to if you dont want- even just hearing your take would be nice lmao

also if its ok i reallly wanna be mutuals! I just found you blog and im obssesed!! I really wanna be friends<3

NO BECAUSE I SCREECHED SO LOUD MULTIPLE TIMES READING THIS !! THANK U SO MUCH YES OFC I WANNA BE MUTUALS/FRIENDS!! genuinely absolutely made my day to have u ask that oh my god??

also don’t worry about spoiling anything for me, i’ve read every little bit of lyney/lynette/freminet lore out there 😭 and i’ve done all of the new fontaine archon quests already (i need help. it’s okay though!)

as for angst — u know me so well already this is my forte. cracks knuckles here i go

freminet feels as if something is off.

already beginning to panic, he turns to you in a hurry. the water swishes in his ears. when you meet his gaze, wide-eyed, the gut ‘feeling’ turns into a full-blown punch to it. oh, now he realizes; he can’t breathe. his heart’s racing, chest tightening and throat feeling as if it’s closing up.

you reach out, and exchanging unspoken words, you two turn around and make to retrace your patterns with haste. hand in hand, you race against frittered time; but even your best efforts are not enough, and the both of you are forced to acknowledge it when freminet’s vision begins to turn spotty.

he got in the water first; he’s gone before you are. his body floats limp beside you as you drag him along through the water, even as the surroundings grow hazy for you, too. a cold tingle runs up your spine as you consider the possibility; is this the end?

(when you had left for the pipes, the most you had exchanged with lyney was a quick kiss on the cheek as a goodbye. that wouldn’t do.)

but even as you try desperately to cling to life .. the “sea” is a cruel thing, and it does not care for your mortal frivolities. (a proper goodbye? .. foolish.) with cold, disorienting water enveloping your senses from all sides, your only grounding thing being freminet’s (rapidly cooling) fingers against yours — it didn’t take long before you succumbed to the “sea”, too.

(your last thought as the world went dark was “i’m sorry.”)

(even in your barely conscious state, you feel another wave of panic surge through you when freminet’s fingers slip away from yours — but you don’t have enough energy to hold on.)

reader lives:

the incessant thrum of the water rushing through pipes rattled in your ears. your whole body was sore, weak and tired; and all of your limbs felt like lead attached to you via shoddy workmanship. your head hurt like hell, and what’s worse is that the moment you opened your eyes, you were immediately met with the sight of the three people you cherished most.

first, there was freminet, who was sitting on the bed opposite to yours. his posture fixes from a slouch into proper the moment he spots you, perhaps in.. excitement? shock? you weren’t sure. his eyes lit up, though.

second, there was lynette. she was .. a bit more on edge than usual. that was .. to be expected, of course, but really. you were out for.. what, an hour or two? come on, all four of you put yourselves in danger all the time. what was different about this?

(what was different was the fact that you were not out for an hour or two. no, make that days. they were sure to remind you of this.)

then, there was lyney. for him, the world seemed to stop.

lyney, who was pacing the room in sheer desperation. he walked and walked, boots timed and in tune with the clocks and dripping water from the pipes. in his nervousness, he had unwittingly created a quite fitting melody.

(the only sounds once he ceases walking are the clocks and the water dripping from the pipes.)

lyney, who had rushed to your bedside the moment he had noticed you were up. he looked exhausted, but the second you were awake the mask was .. attempted .. to be put back on. however .. it didn’t take someone as observant as you, or even one who knew him so well, to notice that it was placed crooked.

(how absurd he looked, trying to put on a front everyone in the room knew was one.)

why, even, you would have bet that it could’ve been surmised by a child. once again, emphasis on ‘you would have’, for there was no time for thinking about that when he rushed to your bedside and enveloped you into an embrace. you didn’t miss the way his fingers grasped at the back of your shirt in downright desperation.

(in clear, bold letters, it reads; “if nothing else, please let this be real.”)

he slots himself beside you and, wordlessly, holds you close. he doesn’t need words — neither of you do. this is enough.

lynette and freminet looked on, neither of them opening their mouths when lyney buries his face into the crook of your neck and stays there for just a bit too long. he doesn’t cry. instead, he whispers shakily against your skin; “i thought i’d lost you.”

(the only sounds once he ceases speaking are the clocks and the water dripping from the pipes.

(no one speaks up just yet.)

(the only sounds in the room are the clocks and the water dripping from the pipes.)

(you’re starting to think those were the only sounds ever there.)

when he finally pulls away, you notice he’s fixed his mask. lyney now smiles, and the shake in his voice is gone; but you know it’s not all better, not when he refuses to leave the infirmary even after sigewinne and the traveler inquire. you know it’s not all better, not when the four of you are alone again. lyney sits beside you on the bed, refusing to so much as stand up (he doesn’t want to let go of your hand. you don’t comment on it, but his fingers are still shaky as he holds onto yours like they’re a lifeline.)

you don’t exchange as much as a single word after that. you just bask in each other’s presence, apologies and pleas and “i love you” shared during every lingering glance between everyone in the room.

the four of you don’t need words. this is enough.

reader dies:

seven mistakes went unnoticed. seven signs went unfollowed. seven things (and five people) went wrong that day.

one: freminet.

it was entirely freminet’s fault, he thinks, it was. if only he had gotten you out of there in time. no — he shouldn’t have even brought you. he sits on the infirmary bed opposite to yours, knees pulled up to his chest, and he clutches pers with a death grip. he dips his head in such a way that his face is hidden with his hair; he doesn’t want to let lyney and lynette see him in this state. they have enough to deal with.

two: the primordial sea.

but they were bound to notice eventually, right?

“it was entirely the primordial sea’s fault,” lynette would remind, hand on freminet’s shoulder. “it wasn’t yours.”

the primordial sea. the cold and vicious waters were such a contrast to those he held so dear; what was typically calming and merciful turned to something suffocating and terrifying. but that didn’t change the fact that it was an inanimate thing.

he drops pers at the contact; it clatters to the floor; he looks down, wide-eyed and apologetic; he reaches down to pick it up. lynette does not put her hand on his shoulder again.

three: wriothesley.

“it was entirely wriothesley’s fault,” lyney wants to scream. he’s frantic, pacing the infirmary and voice cracking every time he speaks. lynette and freminet have seldom seen him so panicked. he needs to do something, he needs— he can’t. he can’t leave. once he gets his hands on wriothesley, he swears he’ll—

four: clorinde.

it was entirely clorinde’s fault. it was entirely her choice to pick only one of you to save. no one can bring themselves to be upset at her, for she did try to save both of you. but the realization slowly dawns upon the three children of the house of the hearth still with a steady heartbeat; it was either going to be you or freminet.

they realize this at different times. every time they do, they exchange a silent, quick glance.

freminet would’ve gladly given up his life. lyney and lynette, however .. they would not have been able to choose.

five: the gods.

it was entirely the gods’ fault. curse the gods, lyney thinks. he’s still pacing the room, and while he never put much stock in the divine, he was practically yelling at them now. he knew it wasn’t logical. but he needed something. what was the point of a god if not to help their people? what was the point of a god if just to watch people suffer like it’s an opera?

was she here now? was she watching? was this a “twist” for her? did she delight in this?

six: lyney.

it was entirely lyney’s fault. he shouldn’t have let you or freminet go. he shouldn’t have. he shouldn’t have let wriothesley play him like he was a deck of cards in his hands. this was all his fault. all his fault. he knew of the prophecy, dedicated his whole life to it — and yet hadn’t managed to save you from its clutches?

seven: you.

in truth — it was no one’s fault. but lyney is still pacing the room, breathing getting heavier and more rapid every time he steals a glance at you. lynette’s eyes still trace his every move, conveniently ignoring the sight of you as best she could; and freminet still has his face buried in his knees as to not look at your decaying body.

none of them can deal with the fact that it was simply an accident. no one meant for this to happen — there was no one to blame.

they needed someone to blame.

so each and every one of them blamed themselves. as lyney’s fingers grasped your cold ones, he squeezed them softly even as they began to turn blue beneath his grasp. he couldn’t bare to let you go.

and after three long days, the sun rose to find your bed empty where you had laid. you were nowhere to be found. for a moment, lyney’s heart practically leapt out of his chest, wondering .. did you get up?

but as he rushes to the bedside, his face falls. he should’ve known not to get his hopes up.

the blankets were damp where you had laid, soaked with water just as the stage in the opera epiclese had been.

lyney didn’t cry, nor did lynette or freminet.

they didn’t exchange so much as a word the day you died.

instead, they put their aching hearts and empty souls into the mission at hand. they worked twice as hard to distract themselves, and they provided excellent results for “father” — but they had barely worked together to do so.

they exchanged cold words and they held each other at night, when the pain became too much — because as much as they tried to pretend like nothing happened, that was a lie, just as the rest of their existence — but there was no mistaking it. they were now divided.

there was always you. and now there wasn’t.

lynette was the one who informed “father” of your .. whereabouts. lyney couldn’t bring himself to.

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hemipenal-system · 7 months

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this thread is fucking long and the cut is in an awkward place just bear with it please

so werewolves are a stock horror villain (and the posts directly below this one are about that! go look at them) and don’t get me wrong i love werewolf horrorsmut but i want to see more of:

werewolves who just aren’t scary in any way. like sure the shift may be scary. they may look kinda scary. but they’re just people like everyone else even if they are more ruled by instinct than the average human. i think stuff like that is a nice way to explore what it means to be a person and how humanity can be a fluid category, especially when the werewolves in question are transgender/disabled/personality disorder coded.

like i want some wholesome shit about werewolves who can’t even pass as ambiguously human. they’re just very overtly werewolves: massive sharp, snarling bundles of taut muscles and sinew, 8, 9 feet tall, who are very capable of snapping and killing everything around them

but don’t. because they’re treated well and loved even though they’re not like everyone else. and it doesn’t matter that they aren’t, because they are like everyone else even if they’re not. i know that sounds a bit confusing on the face but i mean stuff like:

- “oh yeah no worries, Sharon from accounting’s a wolf too! no no we love her! remember when we went to topgolf for that company outing? they couldn’t find any clubs in her size so she outdrove us all with clubs a foot too short it was hysterical!”

- “all right you should be scheduled for this week! next two weeks are the same? no right of course not because you need moon days. yeah that’s totally fine i will get that in to HR and you should be all good!”

- “is- no it’s fine- is it ok if i stay shifted in here? the pain is less bad when i’m shifted. no i have no idea why lol. you’re sure? the shedding is ok and everything? aww sweetie i love you too!”

- “i mean, hip dysplasia is normal in wolves your age, and you had fairly active teenage years, so it happens. it’s not anything to worry about though, i’ll get you in contact with a fantastic physical therapist! no she specializes in wolf patients. she’s great at what she does, i promise. i’ll get you a month of painkillers but over-the-counter should work alright too. take these, go to therapy, and if it’s still doing that in a month come back and we can try something else.”

- “hey, baby, look at me. i know people are staring at you. you don’t need to care about them. you have just as much right to be here as they do. just ignore them.”

- “no i’m absolutely not mad at you! you can’t control that happening! no it was a full moon what the fuck were you supposed to do? look, i can replace the couch you mauled and the TV and vases you broke but i can’t replace you getting hurt because you tried to stave off the shift. we’ll go shopping for new ones together, ok? and we’ll get some cheap shit you can break for next month and a couple steaks for you to fuck up. i promise i’m not mad- hey get off me you big lug stop fucking licking me your mouth tastes like couch cushions…”

- “it’s actually so real to be worried about hurting your human partner in bed. you won’t hurt her, dude, i’ve known her for years you should be more scared of her than she is of you. they make, like, these rings. it’s like a silicone spacer- no it goes on your dick, idiot. it’s so you don’t like fuck into her cervix or whatever. supposedly those help? idk if they come in wolf sizes though.”

show me the negative stuff, too. show me:

- werewolves who muzzle themselves in cities even though it’s only a first quarter moon because they’re scared they’ll snap and hurt someone even though that fear makes them so careful around everyone they never would

- wolves who have moon trackers on their phone because they need to know when they’re going to get forced into a shift so they can get away from everyone because they don’t want to get violent but they can’t control it and the last time they were around someone she ended up in the hospital. she’s really understanding about it and they’re friends now but it doesn’t make it feel any less horrible

- wolves who get asked every single fucking time they get nice dinner, “so do you want your steak cooked, or what?” by waiters who think they’re funny but really aren’t

- werewolves who walk on eggshells in public because they know if they make any minor mistake or show any aggression whatsoever the pundits on the news will talk about “a werewolf snarled at my kid today. i mean i try to be trusting but you never know with those people. they have those fangs for a reason is all i’m saying.”

- werewolves who are scared to shift in public for the same reason as above, because they know how they’ll be perceived if they show people they’re a wolf

- werewolves who can’t find wolf doctors in their area so they keep going back to human doctors who don’t know how the fuck to treat their unique health conditions and when they complain about this they get a flippant “have you tried a veterinarian?”

- werewolves in therapy because their last relationship was with a human who sucked and it was really bad and that trauma has manifested as resource guarding and reactivity issues and it’s causing problems at work

i love this stuff. i want more. i also cannot write conclusion paragraphs to save my life so this is the end now. thanks for reading all this if you’re reading this.

😊

#not terato #really #speculative fiction #disability #transgender #personality disorder #worldbuilding #werewolf #long fucking thread #terato blog #monster biology post #sort of

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beth0ftime · 5 months

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Some thoughts about cpunk and mobility aids

I recently saw this post by @satellites-halo:

I think OP brings up a very good point here: if your mobility aid is obviously dangerous you can’t bring it places you’ll need to go. That said this isn’t the end of the story.

As a practitioner of HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts; using historical weapons from Europe) there are actually a lot of writings on using things like canes and chairs for self defense/offense. For example there was a several year streak in London where walking staffs were the most deadly weapon. When these books and treatises were written they weren’t adding spikes or barbed wire to these things.

I am pretty much a full time cane user due to my hEDS and POTS. I will not use it for a little bit but I end up unstable and in pain afterwards, I mainly do this for exercise/practice. So I have been very interested in learning how to use a cane in this way, as well as seeing how other, similar, aids have been used throughout history.

While not all of these forms of fighting are useful for all mobility aid users, such as full time wheelchair users or some forearm crutch users, there’s a surprising amount of people it will work for. For example, I’m currently reading a treatise by a man who is partially blind, that is his term with modern vocabulary we would call him legally blind, and he is good enough at fighting to be considered one of the most amazing swordsman and cane fighter. (It should be noted that he did not have access to glasses and mainly navigated the world tactually)

The only real requirement is that the aid should be built from a single piece (not any of the foldable kinds) and be of sturdy materials: metal, solid wood, etc. While I recognize that this does exclude a fair few mobility aids there’s still a fair few this works for: canes, rollators (though lifting them into position for fighting might be untenable for some people), forearm crutches (if used like a Roman forearm blade, again some may not be able to do this), and even some leashes for service dogs (used as a rope dart) to name a few. There are probably more in forgetting but it’s a lot.

The key thing about all of this is that you don’t have to add scary spikes that might make the TSA balk at you, you can just use a normal looking mobility aid to do the same thing. It should also be noted that most courts consider mobility aids to be part of the person using them for the purposes of assault charges; if someone touches your mobility aid in a way you don’t like, that’s assault and you can respond in kind. That isn’t legal advice and there’s still ‘appropriate force’ president to consider but twapping someone who is grabbing at your cane, especially maliciously, isn’t out of question for a normal reaction, and being good at doing so is preferable.

Ok, cool Beth, but what do I do with this info?

There’s a little part of this post that’s me trying to get more disabled people like me into a sport I love but I can’t do so without some caveats. Not all HEMA clubs are built the same and some can be downright nasty, please look up any club you consider joining and maybe ask a physical/occupational therapist before launching into a contact sport. If it’s not in your interest then that’s also fine, there are several forums that post book recommendations for learning cane fighting or uses of a chair in WWII fighting (what rollators are great for).

If you’re a cane user, there are actually custom canes that you can order that are especially made for fighting (that aren’t objectionable enough to be confiscated by anyone who does security) but also just getting a cane made from a hardwood works. The website https://canemasters.com has a great selection and a really nice custom ordering system.

I wish I had more for other forms of mobility aids but my research is limited, if you have more sources for this stuff please comment/repost with them. If that’s not your style my dms are always open for cool fighting stuff!

Be safe and stay punk!

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copperbadge · 9 months

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Radio Free Monday

Good morning everyone, and welcome to Radio Free Monday! Ways to Give: Anon linked to a fundraiser for a family member who has developed increasingly severe allergies; her insurance won't cover a food allergy test to figure out what's causing the sudden reactions, so they're fundraising to cover the cost. You can read more and support the fundraiser here. audkitty's close friend just found out he has a tumor at the base of his skull; he needs to have it removed ASAP, but health insurance won't cover the full procedure, and he needs to raise about $8.2K to cover bills. You can read more and support the fundraiser here. mamajosrefuge is finally funding their top surgery, and needs help with funds; you can read more and support the fundraiser here. kirkfanatic linked to a fundraiser for a good friend's husband, who is funding his top surgery after getting a job that will allow him recovery time; you can read more and support the fundraiser here. Anon linked to a fundraiser for maximumsunshine, who will be returning to work in August after life-saving surgery but is behind on rent, bills, and food until their first paycheck comes in at the end of next month. You can read more and reblog here, or support them via patreon or via paypal. Anon linked to a fundraiser for thebisexualmandalorian, a trans person raising funds to move themself and their cat away from abusive family members and out of a state that is becoming increasingly hostile and dangerous for trans people. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here. theleakypen linked to a fundraiser for friends Kayti and Eli, who have been living precariously since leaving an abusive housing situation; they now have some stability with a new roommate and chosen family member, but still need help with household expenses and car maintenance, especially since the household has multiple disabilities. You can read more and support the fundraiser here. songspinner9's kid Wren, age 23, had their e-bike stolen this week; Wren's disabilities mean they can't safely drive, and have limited energy, so the bike was a necessary mobility aid and tool for independence, particularly in commuting to their work at a local youth center. They are raising funds for a refurbished replacement that meets their needs; you can read more and support the fundraiser here. Anon linked to a fundraiser for rosietwiggs, whose family was hit hard by COVID and is dealing with an ongoing lawsuit against insurance; she's fundraising for school supplies and also summer activity stuff for her kids, who are all at home during the summer. You can read more and reblog here or give via ko-fi here. Buy Stuff, Help Out: queerdo-mcjewface is selling corsets that no longer fit on eBay; 100% of proceeds benefit the National Lawyers' Guild (which provides legal aid to activists) and the Entertainment Community Fund (which helps striking show business workers). The auctions are for 24" and 26" corsets and run through Sunday, July 30th. You can see and purchase them here. Recurring Needs: Anon linked to a fundraiser for littlefluffbutt, who is facing homelessness with two daughters due to a predatory loan and support falling through; you can read more and reblog here or support the fundraiser here. And this has been Radio Free Monday! Thank you for your time. You can post items for my attention at the Radio Free Monday submissions form. If you're new to fundraising, you may want to check out my guide to fundraising here.

#radio free monday #charity #philanthropy #fannish community

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johannestevans · 10 months

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The Relief of a Queer Audience as a Fruity Stand-Up Comic

Explaining one’s existence takes up time.

On Medium / / On Patreon.

I’m a stand-up comedian.

Last week, I did some comedy at a queer-run, queer-centred open mic — suddenly, a twelve-minute set fit into six, because I was in a room full of queer people who knew exactly what I was talking about.

I didn’t have to take time to explain what bears, twinks, and otters are; I didn’t have to make sure everyone had a working understanding of what Grindr is; I could make puns and little quips that because of the sheer cultural gap, a cis straight audience just wouldn’t be equipped to understand.

In front of straight audiences, I often mention RuPaul’s Drag Race — in front of queer ones, I’ve never even thought about it.

There is an unfortunate rule in stand-up comedy that basically every marginalised stand-up comic has experience of, and knows that they often have to follow in rooms where they’re the minority, and even in many rooms where they’re not.

Comedy is the art of creating tension, and then breaking it. The essence of a good punchline lies in surprising the audience — they laugh because they didn’t see the joke’s culmination coming.

Because of the way marginalised people are treated in our society, when we are surrounded by those who are part of the majority of which we’re not a part, or when we are noticeably different in some way, our very existence creates tension.

As a gay man, and particularly as a gay man who’s very faggy and effete, who is most explicitly not interested in assimilating with cis-hetero society, I often find that my presence in some rooms can discomfort those around me. Straight men, particularly, often become nervous — people choose their words more carefully, or they clam up and don’t dare to speak at all.

Many of these people would say it comes from a fear of “offending” me, which is a polite way of saying they don’t know how to be normal when they talk to an obviously gay man. Either they’re ordinarily casually homophobic, or they say bizarre shit about gay people — and they feel quite comfortable saying things like that around other straight people, but when there’s a gay person right there?

Well, they might be called out on that shit.

They’re more comfortable with gay people when we exist in theory, and they can’t see one right in front of them.

Most people in 2023 do know other gay men and queer people, though, even if they don’t necessarily know one that’s as fruity as I am — as a trans man, though? That discomfort goes through the roof.

And I experience that as a white man who’s thin and isn’t visibly disabled most of the time. When I’m using my cane or wearing joint braces, it ramps up even further — friends of colour, especially people I know who are Black and darker skinned, especially who wear hijabs or other head coverings, or who have natural hair, experience all this discomfort a thousandfold, of people’s stares and discomfort, the questions that are building up on their tongues.

What does this have to do with stand-up comedy?

That discomfort that one feels when one walks into a room where one is outnumbered, where one is known to the room as Different, a Minority, and Marginalised… When you walk onto a stage, it becomes quite literally spotlit.

As I said, your existence creates tension.

People don’t often think of it like this, but stand-up comedy is a form of one-person theatre. You are in essence performing a monologue for your audience, and part of your performance is in making your monologue appear spontaneous.

As in any form of theatre, it’s important to engage with your audience. You don’t just practice in private, learn your work off-rote, and then do precisely the same thing in front of the crowd.

You listen for when they’re breathing. You pause when they need time to digest what you’ve said, or to let a particular line make its emotional impact. When they applaud, you might choose to hesitate a few moments before you go on, letting that applause dissipate — other times, you might shout over the noise.

Because the whole of the audience is fixed on you and your work on the stage, you control the room — you do this by creating a world, a narrative, that you are all sharing together.

When you start to tell a joke, you begin ramping up the tension. You are drawing your audience in, asking them to imagine the world you’re envisaging, to come along with you for the ride. The longer you talk for, the tighter you turn those screws, the more tension there is in the room, the more anticipant the audience is, the more they hold their breaths —

Then you tell the punchline, and that tension is broken as the audience (hopefully) laughs.

This process comes down to one’s theatrical skill. The audience needs to be able to understand what you’re saying and what you’re communicating, they need to trust that you’re leading them in a direction that will be funny, that you’re worth listening to, and worth laughing with.

Almost no comedian would start their set with a long joke that takes a lot of set-up to get to the punchline, because much of the audience wouldn’t listen to the set-up. They’d be irritated and impatient at all this babble that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

You tell a few shorter jokes at first — you break the initial tension between you, a stranger, and the audience. You let them learn who you are as a person, and trust that you’re funny, that you’re equipped to lead them on his journey and give them a few more laughs.

You might even hear comedians talking about rooms in terms of temperature, talking about a “warm” room or crowd, or a “cold” one, or an MC talking about warming an audience up — a warmer audience is more receptive; a colder audience is more shut down, disinterested. Even the funniest material won’t land if the audience is shut off and doesn’t want to hear it.

Sometimes an audience will shut themselves off consciously and purposely — for example, certain men might have a little tantrum when they see a woman comic walk on stage, and they might cross their arms over their chest and decide they won’t be laughing at anything she says, because they’ve already decided she’s not funny.

As a gay guy, I’ve absolutely experienced that from staunch homophobes in the audience, especially when I start making jokes about sex.

But some audiences become unreceptive not because they’re intentionally rejecting a relationship with the comedian — they’re distracted.

When I was performing as a comic before I passed as cisgender, I could often feel the audience telegraphing their “confusion” about who and what I was.

They weren’t listening to my jokes because they in their heads they were thinking, “So, is this a lesbian? Is it a man or a woman? Are they queer?”, and because they were so focused on that, they weren’t coming with me on the jokes I was actually telling.

If your identity requires any kind of “explanation,” you often try to address it in your opener, because until you break that initial tension, you can’t start building and breaking new tensions with your actual jokes.

If someone noticeably different, who’s a member of a marginalised community or is just from a background or community they’re not used to, walks on stage, a lot of the audience will wait for the punchline.

However subconsciously, the audience thinks of someone they consider different-looking — someone who looks very queer instead of straight, who’s a woman instead of a man, who’s Black or East Asian or Indigenous or otherwise not-white instead of white, who’s disabled instead of abled, and yeah, who looks like they might be trans — walking onto the stage as the set-up for a joke.

What’s unfortunate is that to get certain audiences on-side, they’ll stay shut down until in some way you assure them that you’re “one of the good ones” — if you’re gay, for example, they want to be told that you’re not one of those gay people.

(I’m not personally equipped to tell them that, because whatever negative connotations “one of those” has, I almost certainly deserve them.)

They want to be assured that you won’t say, for example, that the bigotry you’re treated with is bad — and if you must say that, you absolutely must not imply that the audience might have a hand in it, God forbid!

That’s the root of a lot of their discomfort. Audiences don’t want to be “preached” to, don’t want to hear about anything “woke”, don’t want to be called out.

Any marginalised person can tell you that a lot of the time you’re not doing any of those things — you’re just talking, and because the other person feels a lot of guilt about your existence, they interpret it as preaching or criticism. Sensitive sorts, these cishets.

Fuck me, the relief I feel when I’m in a queer comedy room, and I don’t have to explain anything.

Fuck explaining terms, or lingo, or the queer and trans cultural aspects that a straight audience might not be familiar with — in front of a queer audience, I don’t have to explain me. I don’t have to justify my existence, or footnote it, before I can get to the performance.

I can just tell the jokes I came on stage to tell, and enjoy the laughs that follow.

#musings #stand-up comedy #comedy #essay

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iamacolor · 2 years

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you can tell that young woo’s colleague and former classmate never genuinely thought that someone could actually come to enjoy young woo’s company (especially not when she is being her most young woo-self aka when she’s talking about whales). because even if we know she cares in a certain capacity about young woo (we saw her explaining things to her, recognizing her work, offering to take a picture of her with her nameplate) it’s clear that she’s still bothered by all the things that make young woo different (we saw it earlier when she couldn’t take a picture until she felt like young woo had the right expression despite young woo not feeling the need to smile for it) especially as it seems she can’t really make them fit with how good young woo was at studies and now is at her job. and so the idea that someone could not mind this type of behaviour from young woo, could even enjoy it has clearly never crossed her mind. to her it clearly wasn’t even an option as if because someone is autistic their company couldn’t be enjoyed. it’s clear on junho’s face that he doesn’t mind so why is she even thinking of going up to them to interrupt their conversation? and here it’s insulting that she’s thinking of stopping them: as if he’s only “supporting” her presence to be polite and not able to put a stop to it but we know (and she knows too since she gave him the idea) that junho did set boundaries for the whale talk! boundaries that young woo is entirely respecting therefore not imposing herself on junho which is so insulting to young woo because why would someone first reaction be to “mind” her? why would her subject of interest not be interesting for someone else?

because clearly her colleague put young woo in this box of “young woo is smart but she’s different therefore she’s not like a person you can really be close to, be interested in, to find pleasure in the company of”, she can be a lawyer and be accepted professionally but it still doesn’t seem to make her a “full” person in the eyes of others because she doesn’t function with all the same rules so she can’t be seen in the same way. which is something that neurodivergent and disabled people face a lot, this idea that they’re only tolerable to a certain point, as if there’s a limit of how much “otherness” people can support and accept in their lives

but i like that the show is clearly saying her colleague is wrong here to reduce her this way, and she who’s not autistic - is the one who has to be explained what junho’s expression means and who has to be told “he’s having a good time - this is not an upset face” - which is a nice parallel to young woo’s board of expressions and her struggles to read people’s faces

#extraordinary attorney woo #vinformation

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glittertomb · 6 months

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Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜

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pokemoncaretips · 1 year

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The greavard line.

The greavard. Friendly. Sweet. Deadly.

General notes:

THIS IS AN EXPERTS ONLY POKEMON. I cannot stress this enough, the early evolution of the greavard line is not for inexperienced trainers and is potentially lethal in the hands of amateurs.

General care: The greavard is a ghost type pokemon, and as such requires little in the way of food. Though it can eat, it seems to do so socially, when food is offered.

It is an active pokemon, and thrives on walks and playtime.

Which is a little tragic, because most of the care advice in this section is for you.

Greavards absorb life energy from their trainers. They can’t stop this and seem to be oblivious to it. You need to limit your time spent with it.

Most trainers of greavard follow the “½-2” rule. For every half an hour you spend playing or interacting with it, you must then spend two hours with it in its pokeball so you can recover. However, if you feel dizzy or tired, pokeball it IMMEDIATELY and rest. Lie down on a couch or bed, if available, and try not to move quickly. Get into the habit of carrying barley sugar lollies or muesli bars in your pockets so you can get some quick energy if you feel particularly drained.

Make sure in general that you eat well and keep a balanced diet. Try and include more red meat (or iron supplements if you're vegan), as part of the process of being repeated drained can manifest as mild anaemia. People who are unwell or sickly are at increased risk. This pokemon is not safe for people with chronic illnesses or disabilities and is flatly banned as a service pokemon.

DO NOT LET THIS POKEMON SLEEP IN YOUR BED. Many trainers have thought “I’m feeling fine and it looks lonely, I can manage” only to be found dead in their beds by morning. Keep it firmly pokeballed and make sure the pokeball is secure and it cannot let itself out. Many greavard keepers won’t even keep its pokeball in their bedroom.

When it is out of its pokeball, it requires non-stop attention and love. It is a deeply affectionate pokemon and, though it must be done for your safety, being pokeballed so often is pretty rough on it, especially when it can’t understand why it has to be done. This is the best time to work on its training as a way of bonding with it.

Conversely, the houndstone is perfectly safe, with no reported energy draining. We aren’t sure why, but some researchers theorize that the energy it takes from others is somehow used up in the evolution process. The houndstone, like the greavard, only eats out of politeness, and no longer requires a time limit on interactions.

For many keepers of this pokemon, it is a tradition that immediately after it evolves, they take the houndstone out to the local pokemon park and let it romp and play for as long as it feels like it.

In terms of personality, this line is almost universally loyal, loving and sweet, though with a tendency towards clinginess. Care rating: RED

Training: The tragedy of greavard is that despite the lethal danger it is a sweet, smart and easily trained pokemon, loyal to its trainer and willing to throw itself gleefully into any task you give it. Training rating: Green

Safety: I mean. Look at how many warnings are in the care section. The greavard requires constant vigilance and should never, i mean NEVER, be allowed near children. It breaks my heart to see the brief look of excitement on a greavards face when it sees kids, before it’s recalled into the pokeball, but children are devastatingly susceptible to these pokemons life drain.

The houndstone, however, can sleep on the foot of your bed and play with children as long as it pleases. Safety rating: Red (greavard), Green (houndstone)

Overall ranking. This pokemon is a walking tragedy. Full of genuine love and affection for everyone it sees, yet too dangerous to be around them, it’s not surprising many ghost type trainers try and do all they can to train it until it can evolve, so it can enjoy the world around it sooner.

#pokemon #pokemon care #pokemon irl #greavard #houndstone

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lavendelhummel · 1 year

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Last week I saw Sophie Okonedo in Medea. It was very exiting!! Two (2) people asked me to share the experience, and one of them I have already told all this, but maybe someone else, who can’t go there, wants to read my random thoughts. For me it was a spontaneous, lucky chance, that I had, just now as it is playing, a little more time and someone to offer me a spot in their bed for the first few nights and one on their floor for the remaining ones, so I could go to England/London ;)

These are just my personal thoughts, in a weird order, and I really don’t know if they have any value for anyone, and this is full of spoilers of course!! Actually, it’s just one giant spoiler.

First of all: Needless to say, all above, that Sophie Okonedo was amazing and so good I forgot I came to see her, because there was only Medea and I was sad afterwards not having seen Sophie, even if I technically did. And I had goosebumps.

• I really liked the Sunglasses, she wore in the beginning (it was a modern element in a not particular modern setting, the other clothes were pretty neutral and they used very few accessories (something I always like in plays) and this was so useless, only used for her first sentences and then sitting there for the rest of the play! So really a statement and very fitting to her performance, the scene and the way her emotions got dealt with. Also looked very good on her.)

• There was a disabled actress in a wheelchair, something I had never seen before in theater. She was good, too, everyone was.

• The women of Corinth were portrayed in a cool way. It had already said on the internet, when booking that the audience would be the women of Corinth, and I thought, this would either be very good, because it can (and was!) be done very well, but audience interaction etc. can also be very weird and not work out. This was not weird and even if I had read it, I was surprised, and it created a very nice atmosphere. I liked how the three different women were not empty chorus characters as in the book, they each had a different personality. I liked especially the one that seemed a bit like Medea’s therapist.

• Her emotions get explained (but not in a boring monolog way, well in a monolog, but a well made one) better in the beginning. It could also be that I just didn’t understand the book as well, but I found her situation and her character and way of dealing with everything much clearer here, even if I hadn’t thought it unclear in the book, but this was… better? It set the scene and the character very well.

• Same with her reasoning throughout the whole thing, I didn’t always follow on every thought of hers while reading, but when Sophie played her in this version all her motivations were understandable.

• I liked that they brought up the fact that she is in a foreign country + that she can’t go back (because of all the normal things that happened already) a lot. It made sense and was important for her character and the whole conflict, but didn’t get touched on as much by Euripides originally

• It was cool, how her having certain medical knowledge and having helped people with it, was considered dangerous and dark and evil by certain characters, well Creon (that stinky Whitecloak), the Middle Ages are saying hi ;) especially nice, because she does use this knowledge for evil later, muhhahahah.

• In general I liked most/all changes made. Which is a high compliment, because I usually find something to complain about.

• Except: The guy walking in circles around everyone (stage is round and surrounded by the audience, pretty cool!). I liked that there was only one actor playing all the male characters, as they never appear at the same time, because I like it when there are small casts and he did it really well, the differences in the characters and you could see hm preparing for the changes, impressive! Because he was constantly on stage. Because when his characters were not in scene, he was walking creepily around everyone the stage, which was weird and annoying. But the friend I went with had a cool interpretation for this afterwards: He, as in all the men, were watching her and circling her, like birds watching their prey, as they cast her, the powerful woman out.

• I didn’t even mind the use of the fog machine, something I usually hate and complain about a lot in plays. I don’t like it, but here it fit! It was good. The scene was good and the fog was not just to have weird, fancy something’s, but was just nice. I don’t know. I didn’t mind it.

• I liked Medea’s outfit. In the beginning a sweater and a skirt, neutral, but very casual like pajamas, as she was wallowing

• Then she changed into the black dress, again neutral, but looked very good ;))) Because she in this dress… well there are photos. Looks good.

• Then there was one more change to er appearance in the end and that was the blood. All over her hands and face and it did have a certain something. I liked it. Yep.

• The way she portrayed the deep satisfaction as the nurse tells what happened at the palace! The way she enjoys it! Her fascination at her own crimes! Delicious.

• I liked how they were addressing the justice question in the whole story. They were really talking about how this is unjust, and it is, and since those plays are so much about morality, it was very important. Also having grown up with complicated siblings, justice is my favorite topic.

• I also liked that they addressed the practicality of it all. Of really practically, where can she go, what is her backup plan now, how does she feed her children??

• And the reality of the history of a fallen out relationship. The relationship between Medea and Jason was not just on paper, you could sense that there was something, that they once had something and that they were in the process of redefining it. That was great.

• The best moment for me was without doubt when it was over. I mean that was the worst, because then it was over :(. But to watch Sophie switch from Medea to herself, the way she couldn’t smile and looked shocked at the applause for a moment. Like she came up from diving. And then she did smile and (omg, she smiled!!!!) you could see she had to force herself at first, because she was still a little in the killing-mindset, but then once she started it turned to her own genuine smile and it was as if a switch had been turned. Immersive. I mean, obviously that’s how acting works, but it was so deep with her. And you could see it in her face and there were those acting feelings on her face and it was a small but powerful moment.

• But speaking of that I had a little theater culture shock. First of all, I wasn’t aware how big the theater culture is in England/London. It’s just a mainstream thing, people talk about it, there are lots of theaters in the streets. That is so cool! I was so impressed and liked talking about theater with my friend (who does it professionally, ok) but also random people so much! Here it’s a rather niche old people/nerd thing. So cool!!! I miss doing more theater a lot and seeing this was great. But along with it being more mainstream came also that you apparently don’t dress up? Here you dress up for theater, so I did even after my friend told me I didn’t have to, but I did bring my dress, so. And then there was the ending. I’ve only ever experienced long rounds of applause, the actors coming out many times, again and again and people clasping for a long time if they liked it. But this was at most a minute? Like a little clasping. They bowed, went and came out just one single time to bow again. I had never seen it this short even in far worse plays and it made the whole thing pretty abrupt for me because I was expecting it to go on for longer. I was also disappointed, because I wanted to see Sophie for longer, than a few seconds as before she hadn’t been herself but Medea. Then again, we were in the afternoon show, maybe that’s one reason for it to be shorter.

• Speaking of afternoon show, obviously there were only old people in the audience (and us and I was sitting very far away from my friends). But the old lady next to me more or less also came for Sophie. Well, at least she said to me, this actress was very good, she had seen her in Cleopatra (!!!!!! Omg, I wish! That must have been amazing!!!). And I was like… I know. I came a pretty long way just to see this play. Because she’s in it. The old man in front of me was reading a book while the play had already started. Rude?? I mean, I had a book on my lap as well, obviously, but that was my emergency book and for before /after the play, because I sat really far away from my friends and there is usually a waiting period and it stayed closed the whole time, and most certainly during the play. Why??

• It was of course a little sad that she didn’t have a sword. In the book she does. It’s not on scene, but it’s said. And I would have liked to see Sophie Okonedo with a sword. I did go to the UK for this, so could have at least given her a sword. Hm.

• Aigeus is somewhat gay coded. And obviously stupid. Which could be a dangerous mix, but was hilarious (I thought), because I felt it was implied as if his childlessness is because of hid gayness and he just doesn’t know that there are two different set of genitalia needed to make a child happen and was genuinely confused that he was sill childless edit all the gay sex he might have had. And when Medea promised to cure him, it did have the vibe of her then later just planning on educating him, which I thought was funny and also better than in the book where it sounded as if she was going to sleep with him.

• My friend liked how much we were made to hate Jason. He really felt it and I know what he was talking about. It was the general vibe and then there were two things he said that were just such asshole moves. But yeah, I was so clear, that while Medea is the one to do the most evil thing ever, Jason gets the hate from the audience on purpose. Because none of those two are good people.

• My friends, who, again, I did not sit with, and again the stage was round, said, Sophie was looking directly, very intensely at them, into their eyes very often, that’s so cool. I am jealous, she did not look intensely in my direction :(.

• Oh, and the children themselves! They did appear early on, which made the weird objectification vibe from the book nonexistent. And the way they were incorporated was good too! I personally could also have imagined it with them not appearing at all until as dead corpses. But I also had wild theories while reading, that the theater-academia friend I went with said weren’t even that bad, about the whole play actually being about abortion (there were a few quotes, that make it not that far off!) or maybe the kids being newborn babies, twins, and she having postpartum psychosis/depression and hormones in general and thus going on a killing spree. Because in the book her mood swings are quite something! This was better in this play, as I said, her emotions and revoking were better to be followed. This doesn’t add up, because she has killed before the story already starts, but would be interesting. Anyways, the kids do appear multiple times and are more involved and it wasn’t bad, actually worked quite well!

So, it was a good play, a great play. I felt as if I couldn’t remember much afterwards and was terribly disappointed it was over, but that’s on me. Sophie was amazing and I love theater.

My friends, who are a little better equipped for reviewing (one is as I said in theater research, and the other has lots of smart thoughts usually), said they would tell me their thoughts after more processing, so maybe in a few weeks. If that happens, I can add it to this list.

#sophie okonedo #Medea #my thoughts

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five-thousand-loaves-of-bread · 11 months

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it okay need help not bad thing should not be shamed

but same time want talk about just how annoying am need help every day with basic thing how many times don’t want need help just want be able do by self no other people

me situation, for example:

many thing, so private. like physical help get dressed n shower. even for me who don’t have many sense of what private, it still annoying not able get be alone need be with people all time and cannot be stopped that they start talking.

in fact when need help many bADLs, people around all time. am have hard time communicate, and easily overwhelm by people especially if by people long time no time by self. people talk, ask questions am not able to answer (especially frustrate if obviously cannot communicate like an use AAC full time and if hands full hands dirty or AAC not with literally cannot answer, but others reasons like have hard time communicate even if AAC), or talk about self tell story vent about frustrate ask advice etc etc. (some these topic not appropriate for most hired carer to tell you when they work if you no say yes but some don’t care just do anyway and others get care by people like parents)

other times they judge they give advice that not asked for they limit what you allow do make decisions for you. they have power over you because you need them you can’t leave you force stay force listen.

then question. why so many frustrate noises why so many “tantrums” why so many behavioral problems why so many meltdowns.

even if no talk, just presence of people can make overwhelm can add cognitive load.

most people most interaction, overwhelm and cognitive load. everytime meet people, need days by self to slowly stop be overwhelm, but when live with people live with help need help most things, that never possible.

if caregiver not familiar with your need. create more frustrate.

most people no true concept of how disability work. (yes this include what disabled community here complain as “overrepresented disabilities” like paraplegic & SCI etc). don’t realize how many detail come with. from everyday people to people who “work in” disability fields. even disabled people, not have all disabilities, not know all disabilities.

so many little detail. no do not walk infront of me in wheelchair or else will run into you. but yes need follow behind you can’t navigate on own. no do not ask me open end questions when i hand full can’t use AAC. no your “how far is far” “how long is long” very different from my disabled versions.

and. am communication disabled. all these thoughts n needs, trapped inside. no one can read mind. hard time explain hard time even start communicate.

even well meaning caregivers genuine try ask what need and no need help with so they know when help when no help, not infantize you or see you as super crip can do everything, perfect person perfect scenario—even that get frustrate get tiring.

but more frequently, will meet the assume normal until otherwise “you can’t do that??” or opposite assume can’t do anything can’t understand anything get surprised at able do any little thing.

even if know everything about disability (which, gosh would avoid so much headache), every disabled person need different, still need explain.

the get to know phase. so exhausting.

everything about me need care, exhausting. this only fraction.

#high support needs #loaf screm #long post

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unexpectedstormy · 10 days

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Hey! I just came across your post about short podfics and, as someone who's been making podfics for a couple of years, I thought I might share some advice (feel free to ignore it if it doesn't sound helpful or appealing of course)

I understand where you're coming from, but there are multiple reasons why asking authors to share your podfic as part of their fic post, instead of posting it yourself, isn't a good idea. First, editing an AO3 post to add all the links to the podfic, all the necessary tags, etc. is actually a lot of work to ask from an author, and if that's your expectation, they might decide it's just not worth the time/effort. Because, second, a podfic that you made, no matter how long or short, is *your* work. It belongs on your account, and publishing it is your job, not the fic's author's. If you're worried about clutter on your account, you can create a separate pseud, or even a separate account for your podfics. And third, posting the podfic as a new work makes it easier to find for potential listeners. A person browsing the most recent works in the Podfic tag in search for new podfics will likely not notice that a podfic was added to some old fic, unless the author changes the publication date on their fic, or adds the podfic as a new chapter (which means even more work for them)

There are some situations where posting the fic and the podfic together as one work makes sense: for example if you're the author of both the fic and the podfic, or if you're collaborating with an author and you're posting the fic and podfic together as co-authors. But if you're making a podfic of someone else's fic that's already published, it just makes more sense to post it yourself. Remember that, as a podficcer, you're not just a text-to-speech service, you're a creator too. Even if it's just a 100-word drabble, you still deserve full credit for your work (and all the kudos and comments from your listeners) <3

Yes, thank you for your input. I have been wrestling with these issues for a few weeks now as I am just starting out in podfics. But I have come to the conclusion that because of me and my fandom’s unique situation, despite the points of concern that you list, I am justified in the way I choose to podfic.

For me, making podfics is about a) having fun and learning a new skill, b) making stories accessible to people who can’t read them (like me when my disabilities flare up), c) doing podfic outreach and trying to recruit as many people as possible to try their hand at making (non-AI) podfics so that I don’t have to do all the work myself.

I don’t care about recognition or attention. Podfics in my fandom generally get minimal interaction anyways��20-30 kudos and a handful of comments, if any at all. I went into this knowing that making podfics would be a labor of love and would have to be intrinsically rewarding to be a sustainable hobby. Besides, it’s the authors of the story that deserve the credit. I’m just reading the story out loud which isn’t a particularly hard or noteworthy feat.

I do not care about having podfics on my own account for the purpose of claiming them as mine. As long as the beginning of the podfic audio has “spoken by Unexpected Stormy,” that’s good enough for me. Our fandom is small with only 6-10k fics and 38 podfics total so even if new podfic audio was put in an old fic, as long as it was tagged correctly, it would still easily be found because of how few there are to start with.

Actually, my preference is for authors to put my audio in their fics because it would reduce the redundancy of having two ao3 fics for the same story, and it is better in my opinion to have everything in one place: the story, the fanart, the podfic.

But I do recognize that asking them to put my audio in their fic creates more work for them so I give the authors the choice to decide for themselves what they would prefer, especially if I ask to record their podfic and they did not self-rec it to me.

I do think that all fics are worthy to be podficced (by people not AI), and I hope someday that they will be, but alas, I do not have the time or energy to podfic anything and everything, so I have to pick and choose. The podfics I like to listen to are 15 minutes+ long, so that is the kind of podfic I prefer to record. It’s more “bang for your buck” to create these longer podfics than shorter <10 minute podfics.

I have a few ways of choosing fics to podfic, and one of the main ways is by having authors self-recommending their fics to me that they would like podficced. If an author asks me to podfic a shorter work and I am willing to do it, but as a trade off, I ask that they contribute a little of their own time and effort and put the podfic in their own stories. I do think it is fair to put this stipulation on recording a shorter podfic. After all, I’m the one doing it, so I get to make the rules. And of course, I would help them link the podfic and tag it (it’s not hard to link a podfic from archive.org and to retag and already-established fic).

I am thinking of making a second AO3 account specifically for podfics so that they don’t overwhelm my written fics; I am first and foremost, a fic writer, and secondly a podfic-er. But I’m not to the point where I feel the need to yet. I have only done 3 podfics so far and one of them is my own fic.

The purpose of my life is to tell stories, I’ve known this since I was a kid. I’m the kind of person who if I ever formally published some kind of story like a book or a TV show or a video game that I would encourage it to be pirated or free so that it would be more widely available and accessible to people and not locked behind a paywall. My allegiance is always to the story and the audience, not to my own glory or to money. And this philosophy of storytelling extends to my creation of podfics as well.

Thanks again for sharing your concerns. I’m not mad at you or anything, I just disagree on this issue. Its cool to hear from an older more experienced podfic-er who is looking out for me. There are so few podfic-ers out there that we ought to stick together. Anyways, I’m off to take a nap. Byeeee!

#long post #814 words #an unexpected ask #discussion of podfic-ing

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toothlespoggers · 5 months

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why don’t people realise that just because someone is an “adult” doesn’t mean they should be compared with other “adults” especially! If they’re neurodivergent, or have any struggles or disabilities! Stop saying “You’re 18 blah blah blah” IT DOESNT MATTER. I DONT REMEMBER ALL MY MENTAL STRUGGLES AND LEARNING DISABILITIES DISAPPEARING WHEN I TURNED 18. THATS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

17 year old: wow! I can’t wait until I turn 18 so I can finally no longer have depression and anxiety that cripples me! Isn’t it amazing how being an adult legally makes me capable of preforming at the same rate as another person with a completely different situation to me!

NOTHING. CHANGES. The only thing that changes about being 18 is that you can legally watch the deadpool movies even though you already watched them in hiding at 16.

sidenote: just because someone is 18 doesn’t mean they should be treated as a 25 year old who can go into a full time relationship and be hit on. I don’t speak for every single 18 year old but I know from experience that most children don’t magically obtain a sex drive as soon as they turn 18.

in fact most of us look like we’re 12 at 18. And if you’re lucky enough to look like an adult at 18. You’re probably not mentally an adult yet either! And if you *are* go off! Do what you want! Just don’t expect everyone to be like you!!

#Idk what to tag this as #psa #does this need a tw idk what tw this falls under #Look #idk if people will see this outside of my followers but regardless this needs to be said

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flower-biter · 2 months

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19-25 February 2024

Just a lot of internal screaming, but in a quiet and exhausted way.

Monthly uterus horrors. Why has my body synced to the moon cycle? Full moons are weird enough already, especially this week, when apparently my “danger: do not approach” face was disabled without my awareness.

Weird corporate team building stuff. Mostly frustrating because the problem person in the group doesn’t seem to realize they’re the problem. The utter lack of self awareness would almost be funny if the rest of us didn’t have to deal with their messes and attitude all the time.

My eye exam was somehow cancelled on me???? I made this appointment in December and called to confirm and apparently it just…didn’t exist for them? And they’re booked up through May. Rage rage rage. But the next day the optometrist’s office called to offer me an optician job that I’d applied and interviewed for over a year ago that they’d ghosted me on. WHAT. (I’m not even licensed but they’re apparently so desperate they didn’t care about that, yet not desperate enough to have called me back in December 2022 when I followed up after the interview??)

So tired of screens. I just wanna take a walk in the woods and then come home to bake bread and make tea and crochet with my cat by my side. But no. I cannot.

I was sitting at a coffee shop to do some work and one of the gentlemen who cuts hair at the barbershop across the way said he liked my hair and invited me (a white woman) to go get my hair cut at the Black men’s barbershop. He was very sweet and I can’t quite tell if it’s a compliment to be invited, or a “oh honey, your fade needs HELP.” Probably a bit of both. I kind of want to check it out because I’m sure they’d do a great job, but I feel weird going into a space that is soooo not meant for me (even invited, I do still feel like I’d be imposing).

At any rate, I finally ordered my own clippers so I can just do my buzz cut at home instead of attempting to keep it trimmed with scissors between salon visits.

What is it this week? A guy from high school saw I moved back to town and asked me to coffee. I’m gonna go for the coffee and the laugh (I’m not really open about being gay, mostly for safety reasons, but I think I do look queer). Maybe we can be friends, god knows I need more of those around here.

Day trip to Charleston on Saturday for work; tried a new tour route, had a really good lunch, visited our new office, and took lots of pictures and videos for the company instagram.

WHAT IS IT THIS WEEK I was just sitting on a park bench in Charleston and an elderly gentleman dressed to the nines (polished shoes, cufflinks, matching pocket square and tie, full Sunday best at 9am on a Saturday) sat next to me and wanted to have a conversation about economics (in a relatively normal way). Very old southern, strong “Chah-leston” accent; had that polite way of complaining about politics where everyone knows where everyone stands, but they don’t make it personal or try to pick a fight or convert you, they just want to vent. He was very kind, tried to give me investment advice, then heaved himself up with his cane and left with a “thanks for letting an 84-year-old man ramble a little bit in your day!” before hobbling off. I didn’t even get his name.

My boss for my side job introduced me to a tour group with they/them pronouns and. I’m having a lot of feelings about it. We never even really had much of a conversation about it, she just noticed that I have “they/she” in my social bio and asked if I had a preference (depends on the day but either’s fine) and I’ve noticed that when I dress masc she uses “they” more readily, but still will sprinkle it in when I show up in a dress and lipstick. It just feels really good to feel seen, accepted, no questions asked, and for someone to make the effort. It’s not surprising - I found this job because I was looking for queer stuff in Charleston and she does LGBTQ+ history tours - but that easy acceptance is something so rare in my life so I really treasure it.

Forever curious at the success rate of the unhinged evangelical billboards on the interstate. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up (in general, but especially queer) in a place where these are not the norm.

Currently reading Stone Butch Blues and oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I don’t think I’m eloquent enough to put all these feelings into words.

Anyway. This week was exhausting. Haven’t gotten to crochet or socialize with friends as much as I’d like. Well, onward.

last week

#i'm very wordy this week oy #catalog of little joys #and little frustrations #and big frustrations #anyway

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