#even though the way i ''hurt'' them was by not respecting boundaries i didnt even know were there and he never enforced or even mentioned | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

system-of-a-feather · 11 months

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Trauma Talk 'n Shit

(TW: Neglect, Resource Scarcity)

Okay so like, a thing that really caught me off guard a while ago in therapy was our therapist asking what trauma I held was (with the qualifiers that its cool if not and that he didnt want to press and shit) and I honestly couldn't answer immediately cause honestly? I forgot 😂

Like I have some obvious ones that on paper are "traumatic" experiences but aren't really Trauma in reference to me as a part (the whole situation with my dad, the whole situation with my oldest sister) cause it just really isn't felt or experienced as anything I'd consider distressing or even disruptive to my life - at least to points in reference to other shit. Like, these days I reflex respond with how I've thrown my dad on his ass so many times, but thats registered as a fun proud moment for me. Parentification tends to be another one if I sit on it longer, but eh, thats not something that I would say really "hurt" me much

And yet I have always been sitting on and claiming the title trauma holder and I OBVIOUSLY am a very trauma adaptive individual and I remember said trauma set a large foundation of my early self and world views - and there I sat, drawing a non-dissociative blank on what my trauma was cause I genuinely forgot cause its genuinely been such a non-issue for like two years.

It's only now that I was able to actually like go "OH RIGHT THAT" and then go "oh yeah that used to really hurt XIV 1.0 back when I was just him and dude coped with so much vitrol and aggression" and - at least one of the top two things XIV 1.0 was formed for - was to compete for resources with our middle sister.

Growing up our parents fostered an EXTREMELY competitive dynamic between the two of us and often when it got down to it, food, comfort, safety and shelter was rewarded to the 1) most excelling and/or 2) loudest and most stressful party and/or 3) the party that was the hardest to make quiet / give up on what they needed

And so largely to cope with that and survive that environment XIV 1.0 was EXTREMELY bad at taking any form of a "no" or much of any forms of neglect from anything and anyone he held respect for, was EXTREMELY loud and EXTREMELY annoying and prone to extreme shock humor, fixated on being the most excelling in all grounds and places, and when anything that he wanted felt threatened / like it might not happen, he hyper escalated super fast and would be stuck on said escalated state for longer than needed to maintain the resource collected.

XIV 1.0 was an extremely "hunger" orientated part and was a feral starved werewolf about it - enough so that to get the system working and Riku 1.0 and XIV 1.0 working together, Ray had to sit both of them down and explain the boundaries to one another on playing nice - one of which was that "you can't say no to XIV 1.0 - at least not directly" cause honestly, XIV 1.0 was extremely sensitive to resource rejection, competition, and sense of unequal bargain - and at the time that did extend decently to attention and affection.

The system setting rules and boundaries fucking pissed me off in the sense that it made me feel restrained, which made me feel like I was not getting my needs met, which activated an emotional flashback (and sometimes proper one) of having to fight aggressively for basic shit and then would get me locked in like anywhere between an hour to like week or two long fits of being in what they would call a "pisser" because I'd be solely in a trauma-orientated "Ill piss everyone the fuck off and make everyone around me miserable until I get what I want"

The thing is though, after a lot of the rough trial and error and rough patches, the system really began fostering an environment where they really began to make it clear that no matter what - they will be serving to meet all my needs to the best of their ability REGARDLESS of if I play nice or not, and that at that point, the only thing in the way between me and my needs / wants was ME communicating them and me disrupting the system trying to get work done for everyone.

And in hindsight, I think that is why the infamous "Lucille got me a guitar" was so absolutely pivotal to me actually starting to work with the system. Cause prior to that I was nothing but a total Piece of Shit to the system trying to protect my resources and get my needs / wants met through the way I was accustomed to (tormenting and aggressively self destructing until I get my way) and the system had grown accustomed to listening but ignoring my massive displays and shit, and then out of no where - one of the things I only briefly half jokingly bugged them about to annoy them (getting a guitar cause itd be COOL) - Lucille just went "Oh yeah sure". And I was fucking BAFFLED cause I did not do any of my usual fucking song and dance of making everyone miserable to get what I want, dude just took me half joking - not even pushing - and went "yeah we can do that" and it just DID NOT compute to my traumatized ass and so fucking confused me that I actually like perked my ears up and was like "wait what ok wait what Ill take it but what is this, what world is this i didnt do shit, i did NEGATIVE shit what"

But ya know, between them actually hearing me out, the elders learning what I needed communication wise and my triggers and radically making accommodations for me, the sheer amount of respect and attention they gave me + that I literally never had to *fight* for my needs to be heard beyond with what we just physically couldn't do allowed me to really redirect that internally lashing out energy to the external world exclusively - which rapidly with maturity and learning to manage myself and fuses, manifested to the extreme focus, dedication, and persistence that I pride myself in

On top of that, parallel to it all, we ended up talking to and making amends with the sister I had that shit with and mutually addressed how the dynamic was extremely harmful and toxic to both of us and how we both - over the years - REALLY were disillusioned in the idea of fighting over needs, especially as adults, when we could just go and ya know, meet our needs by ourself if for one reason our parents or eachother were making it difficult. We both had tools to take care of ourselves, so why are we both having a self destructing / destructing competition when we could just go "eh ok well then ill take care of myself"

And so honestly - I really really haven't thought about the neglect and resource fighting that was once such a super super integral part of the identity of the old part (XIV 1.0) that I identify the most with and thats really just a fascinating thing to look back upon in hindsight.

I'm never really resource scared or concerned much (beyond dysphoria passively being there cause the concern of limitations of medical advancement vs needs may be something I can't just push through; that said, I also know that even if that happens I can figure it out what with the system) at all and I haven't felt challenged or threatened by really anyone internal or external in years; so with those two being the largest triggers for that shit and the fact that I am really hard to trigger in those regards at this point, I really, genuinely, have not thought about the neglect or resource scarcity trauma in literal years.

And our system has a rule of "don't share major triggers publicly" but genuinely? That trauma is so damn healed and all that I'm really just like??? I really don't mind sharing it? What is an anon gonna do, say "oh im gonna take away your starbucks" cause bitch come over here and try "ooooh im unfollowing" bitch I dont care about followers, if I loose all my audience so fucking be it like 😂 We aint on here with attention as a resource, we just throw shit at the wall and people chat sometimes I guess "ill fight you" bitch sure, that sounds like a good time its my love language

Anyways though, just a long post looking back on trauma and healing from one of the traumas we've basically so deeply moved on from that I literally authentically forgot that used to bother me.

TLDR: Healings possible and often happens without you noticing until you look back in hindsight and go "Oh."

#alter: xiv #trauma #trauma recovery #healing #recovery #trauma healing #therapy #c-ptsd #ptsd #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder

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toriowlfluff · 3 years

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PART 6

The long awaited DECKED-OUT COMIC IS BACK! Well…”comic”. It’s more of a picture story :o because I just couldn’t keep up with the comic style I was going for before. I hope you don’t mind!

More is under the cut!

it becomes morning over Docs peculiar half mansion. The sun just peaks over the horizon as rays of its warmth hit the two sleeping hermits right on their faces. Well, on one of their faces. Grian was curled up on Docs chests, covered by warm protective fingers that belonged to a hand far bigger than any of the other hermits in the colony.

Docs face scrunches up like an annoyed cat, knowing they need to get up. With gentle eyes he lightly brushes his fingers over the soft feathers that belong to Grian. The only reponse he got was a groggy squeek.

"Grian. We better get up soon, you dont want to leave Mumbo waiting."

Doc had made plans with Mumbo and Iskall to meet up in front of the Townhall by morning so they couldn't sleep in this time.

The creeper hybrid sighed and lightly poked Grian as a Plan B, which earned him a jab and an annoyed Tiny that is sitting up now, still covered by green fingers.

"Alright alright... let's get ready then."

by the time they left Docs base, Grian had developed a certain nervousness to him. he was skittish and unsure with every step Doc took away from the safe confines of their overnight shared home.

"Doc... you're gonna be with me right?"

The Avian stammered. sitting on Docs shoulders as they headed through the nether path ways.

Doc replied with utmost calmness.

"I will, I'll be right behind you. but remember. 'You' gotta do the talking part."

Grian unfolded his wings and flutters into Docs now open palm.

"Of course!"

Docs chuckling echoed through the tunnels as they soon arrived at the Netherportal they were heading to. And with one last breath Grian felt Doc move through it, teleporting them to a fresh breeze of overworld air.

The morning sun partly illuminated the path in front of them. dots of shiny light rays littered the floor.

There, a bit further ahead was Mumbo and Iskall, both facing the opposite direction of the impressive Town hall.

Docs mellow expression turned into a frown when he looked down at the tiny bird in his hands who is now clutching his little heart, scrunching up the fabrik of his red sweater he was wearing. The Shifter suddenly felt a strong desire to protect and reassure him.

His expression turned relaxed again in order to not show his concern.

"Hey, it'll be alright. it's just our clumsy Mumbo afterall."

His big fingers brushing circles into the tinies' back. He felt Grian relax, even just a little bit.

"I know.. it's just Mumbo."

And with that he took to the skies and started flying towards the moustached man and his friend.

It didnt take long for him to land right behind them. They seemed to tower above him, making this mission far more expreme than he initially thought. But setting his stupid primal fears aside, he opted to open his mouth with a short "uhm, Mumbo?"

He felt his heart do a leap of adrenaline when both of his supposed best friends turned around. They first looked around but soon locked eyes onto him on the ground in front of them.

For Mumbo, Grian seemed to be miles away, so fragile, so out in the open so... small. He had to fight every fiber of his being to not scoop him up and protect him from the harsh reality of the world.

And for Grian it took every cell in his body to not step back out of instinct.

His confidence in self control crashed though, when Mumbo kneeled down, speaking an unsure "Grian," ultimately making the smaller flinch and step back an inch or two.

"O-oh sorry, my bad-"

Mumbo immediately apologized. The bird Tiny could only focus on his raven haired friend now, he knew Iskall was still there but his view was filled with just Mumbo now.

Trying his hardest, he swallowed his unnecessary shock with a shaky,

"It's a-alright,"

A short but painful silence was broken when both of them stammered eachothers names at the same time.

"M-Mumbo,"

"Grian,"

"Oh, Sorry,"

"Sorry-"

They chuckle at eachother from the shear absurdity of their predicament.

The nervous laughs died down when Grian held up his hand to indicate he'd start talking and Mumbo let him.

"Listen Mumbo,"

the air around them has softened considerably,

"I wanna apologize for what I did yesterday. I might have overreacted a little bit,"

Mumbo interjected, his face filled with an expression of regret and guilt.

"I..might have overreacted aswell, I... shouldnt've done the thing I did. I don't wanna blame it on anything else but I sure got a lot of work to do when it comes to respecting boundaries don't I?" Both of them smile at eachother, "-besides I feel like I deserve this in particular."

Mumbo held his left hand out in front of them, showing off the two bandaids around his fingers Grian sliced to get free.

"Oh yeah.. that part, I- I’m sorry.."

Grian looks guiltily away, holding his other arm protectively.

Mumbo sighed with a smile, making Grians hair flow in the wind created by it and making the smaller look back up at him.

"It was my fault to begin with, Grian. I'll work on my pants behavior.. which is pants, let's not deny that here."

They chuckle again at Mumbo's use of words.

The winged hermit suddenly stops as Mumbo continued his soft fit of chuckles. All the fear he had from the day before vanished. This was Mumbo through and through. His best friend. He wondered why he never understood it sooner. He felt anger and regret and happiness seep through him for a second before landing on an emotion he couldn't even name.

With one leap he hugged the Redstone genius' nose, who's hands immediately came up to hold his tiny friend in place.

"I forgive you, you big lug, I didn't mean to hurt you. And I promise I'll be more careful too."

Mumbo knew and just pressed Grian closer. "It's all water under the ol' bridge now, little guy."

Iskall and Doc are now standing next to eachother. Both of them locked eyes with a smile of relief.

Their mending was cut short though, when a voice came from behind them.

"Are we intruding on someyhing here?"

Everyone looked to the way the voice was coming from, Grian still in Mumbo's hands and held close.

It was their leader Xisuma who was covering something in his hands.

"X?" Mumbo asked quizzically but he was ignored when Xisuma spotted Grian.

"Ah~ Grian! youre just the hermit I was looking for."

He said in his chipper accent while holding out his intriguing gloved hands. One creating a temporary wall in front of the other.

"I've got someone you might wanna see again..."

And with that he reaveals...

TO BE CONTINUED…

#DeckedOutComic #g/t #giant/tiny #sfw g/t #sfw giant/tiny #mcytgt #mcyt g/t #tiny!grian #hermitcraft g/t #hermitcraft giant/tiny

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kumzume · 3 years

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glam ft. todoroki shotō [smhub]

wc. 2.8k :3

warnings. ownership, soft-ish!dom reader, edging, v v lowkey pet play (u call him bunny lol), quiet whiny shoto, begging, miss k*nk (?), slight humiliation k*nk, crying, um

an. SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG HOLY S WORD I HOPE ITS OK I DIDNT GET ANYONE TO BETA IT SO IF THERE ARE ISSUES M SO SORRY LOVE YALL TY FOR WAITING

▼・ᴥ・▼

shoto todoroki was so pretty.

it wasn’t like he wasn’t aware — he’d heard the whispers amongst the girls back at U.A. about how attractive he was. that didn’t keep him from believing those words, his insecurities gripping him so tightly that he was unable to even imagine that anyone found him remotely appealing.

that is, until he met you.

when you first transferred into 3-A, the class was thrown into an uproar. you were beautiful, kind, and funny with a powerful quirk to boot! and yet, you never believed that you were better than anyone else, always treating every single person with respect — even bakugou (shoto couldn’t even pretend to understand how you did it but still, the behavior was so undeniably you).

it was all of your remarkable traits that ended up being shoto’s downfall. he believed you were way out of his league — you deserved someone emotionally available and sweet, things that todoroki felt, no knew, he was not. besides, with every single guy in the nearest vicinity falling for you, he knew he didn’t even have a chance.

so, shoto resigned himself to observe you from afar, watching your interactions with his closest friends and classmates, wishing that he could make you smile as wide as kirishima and deku or laugh as hard as sero and denki.

he knew he didn’t measure up and while he tried to make himself okay with that, he felt jealousy bubbling up beneath his skin when he observed shinsou helping you with your homework or bakugou training with you after school.

of course, he realized he didn’t belong to you or you to him and he had no real reason to be envious of whoever you chose to spend your time with but that didn’t stop him from fucking his hand late at night at the thought of you hovering over him, pressing soft kisses to his mangled scar and calling him beautiful.

shoto came embarrassingly quick with that fantasy, the shame and disappointment overwhelming him to the point where he’d purposefully ignored you for days after.

he could tell you were hurt by his behavior — he wasn’t entirely oblivious — but he knew it was for the best. you deserved so much more than him.

the both of you graduated and moved on to your respective agencies, shoto swiftly making his way up to the number 2 spot while you sat comfortably at number 17. neither of you saw each other very often but when you did, conversation was stilted and a bit awkward due to the intense attraction and inability to act on it on shoto’s part.

shoto was willing to go the rest of his life like this; seeing you briefly in passing, stumbling through a discussion with much difficulty, and then returning to his penthouse to hump his pillow and cry out your name.

it was a pretty good system for the most part. shoto had no worries about ever having to face his feelings for you and was content to live out his days suppressing his inner turmoil just for you.

unfortunately, the universe hates him.

at least that’s what he told himself as he stood in the center of a boardroom next to you, clad in your hero outfits and listening to instructions on an upcoming mission that required you and shoto to work together. alone. for days at a time.

what the fuck.

to be honest, shoto completely tuned out the minute he heard “one bedroom,” his mind racing with all the horribly tempting ways his fantasies could play out.

by the time the meeting was over, he was hard in his pants and entirely distracted as you attempted to make friendly small talk about your mission. shoto sort of felt like he should apologize for being an absolute brick wall, giving you curt one word answers until you decided to leave him alone.

he felt bad but what else could he do when you stood there, wearing your obscene hero costume that revealed way too much of your skin?

well, shoto was being a little dramatic but that’s how he felt! your suit was a play on the playboy bunny costume but instead of being black leather (he thinks he would actually die if you wore leather in front of him), it was a white, lightweight fabric that helped with your quirk.

it was entirely too sexy and reminded him a little too much of one of his secret kinks that he was determined to never let see the light of day.

it was going to be ok! he reasoned. all he had to do was do his job, ignore you like he’s done for the past 3 years and everything would be just fine — right?

wrong. so fucking wrong.

the mission had gone well on all accounts. you both had kicked ass, much to your enjoyment, and were able to go back home a day early!

you were so excited to finally be back in your own bed and away from the weird tension that being around todoroki brought. it wasn’t that you didn’t like him — in fact it was quite the opposite.

you found shoto alluring and gorgeous, his awkward yet endearing mannerisms drawing you further into the mystery that was shoto todoroki. regrettably, it didn’t seem like the man in question was on the same page.

every time you tried to speak with him, he would either stutter and blush or refuse to look you in the eye and give you one-word answers. it was actually ridiculously cute but he would always disappear the first chance he got.

it hurt but you weren’t one to push boundaries where you weren’t wanted.

that’s why that night, instead of going back up to the room to watch tv (uncomfortably, might i add) and knocking yourself out, you decided to go down to the bar and celebrate a job well done.

one of the perks of being a relatively unknown hero was that you could enjoy a night in public without anyone approaching you, a luxury you knew not many top 20 heroes could afford.

with that thought — and the memory of the stifling hotel room awaiting you upstairs — in mind, you made your way to the sparsely populated bar, sitting down and immediately requesting a drink (bourbon, on the rocks).

you scanned the area, counting the number of exits and patrons before your eyes landed on the handsome bartender down at the other end of the counter.

with curly brown hair, bright green eyes and a smile that could kill, there was no way you could lie to yourself and say he was unattractive. even as your mind briefly entertained the notion of taking the brunette out into the alley and fucking him within an inch of his life, your heart just wasn’t in it.

your mind just couldn’t stop drifting to the tall, dual-haired, oh so pretty, man who was (inadvertently) waiting for you upstairs. of course, you weren’t even his to wait for but you didn’t know how to keep from imagining that he was.

a deep sigh escaped your parted lips before you downed the rest of your drink, wincing at the burn it left as it went down your throat. it was getting late and you weren’t planning on spending your night alone with the janitor.

you sent the cute bartender a soft smile while pressing a crisp $20 to the counter. he sent you his own grin back as his eyes trailed down your body clad in your tight hero suit, licking his plump lips in arousal.

you were flattered, truly, but you were a little occupied with getting back to your room, changing into some comfortable pajamas and conking the fuck out.

the trip back up to your room was long and arduous to your sore body, the elevators being out of commission leaving you to take the stairs.

by the time you were at your door, you were so worn out that you were ready to collapse but before you could manage placing your key against the lock, something caught your ear.

“p-please miss,” a breathy moan of your name followed by a wet slapping noise rang out through the door. “i’ll be your perfect bunny, just let m-me cum, please-!!”

holy fuck.

shoto todoroki, the man you’d been crushing on since your years at UA was now touching himself to the thought of you doing god know what to him and he was calling you miss?

you felt heat flood your core, your knees buckling under the heavy weight of your lust. now braced against the door, you leaned your ear against the wood, determined to hear exactly what was getting him off.

more wet noises permeated through the walls — did he just spit in his palm??? — before a long whine left his pretty pink lips.

“m-miss, i belong to you, y-you own me,” he gasped, the creaking of the bed just barely audible beneath his wavering voice.

by now, you knew you’d soaked through the crotch of your hero costume, your clit throbbing painfully beneath the fabric of your panties. you also knew you should turn around, head back to the bar and order another drink, leaving shoto to finish himself off but you couldn’t.

your feet were implanted in place, ear glued against the door as you listened to your partner masturbate to the thought of you owning him.

quietly, you lifted the hand gripping your key to the door, allowing the touchpad to register before slowly pushing the door open.

the sight that greeted you was otherworldly.

the blinds were parted allowing a dreamy haze of moonlight to envelop the room, casting the pale man before you in a somehow whimsical light.

he was stripped down to nothing, lying on his back with a hand wrapped around his gorgeous, swollen cock, furiously stroking himself to completion.

the plump lips that you had spent so much time admiring were parted, allowing whines and whimpers to leave them sporadically as his lithe hips bucked up into his hand.

shoto’s eyes were clenched shut so he was unable to see your dumbfounded, painfully aroused face as you crept into the room, leaning against the wall with your hand pressed to your mouth.

it wasn’t as though you’d never seen a man naked before — you’d had your fair share of men naked in your bed begging for you — but this was something else.

this was shoto — somehow more intimidating than anyone else you’d ever brought to bed and yet you’ve never wanted anyone more.

which is why you were almost surprised at yourself when you opened your mouth and whispered, “stop.”

immediately, shoto’s eyes shot open, wide with fear and apprehension as he lied there frozen, his hand still wrapped tightly around his girth.

the both of you stood there staring at one another, neither of you able to move. you let yourself have this moment to look at him, your eyes tracking all over his muscular form before landing on his length, not missing how it twitched under your gaze.

“i-“ shoto started but he was quickly interrupted by your own voice. “s’this what you do when i’m gone? touch yourself to the thought of me? you’re so dirty bunny.”

it was impossible to hide the low groan that echoed out in the hotel room, shoto’s cheeks burning red in humiliation. a grin crept across your face as you made your way towards him, giggling to yourself at the way he moved up and away from you on the bed.

“now you’re trying to hide, bunny? you weren’t hiding when you were moaning out my name.” your hand slid up his thigh until it was resting on his sharp hipbone, an abrupt gasp leaving his chest.

your hand continued its trajectory, fingers trailing across his tummy before coming to wrap around the base of his cock.

“o-oh fuck, miss—“ a thick drop of precum leaked from his slit and onto your awaiting hand as a low moan departed from the dual-haired boy.

one of his hands shot out to hold yours, drawing your attention to his heterochromatic gaze. shoto’s eyes held so much emotion, small tears already littering his lashline while the moonlight illuminated his crimson scar. he was ethereal.

“pretty,” you hummed, giving him a gentle smile while your hand squeezed his in reassurance. you’d had enough experience to know that that kind of comment was guaranteed to get some kind of vulnerability but what you were not expecting was the expletive shoto muttered before leaning forward to press his lips to yours.

immediately, he was over-enthusiastic, his lips and teeth clashing with yours messily, almost painfully, before you took control of the kiss, slowing shoto down before slipping your tongue inside his mouth.

his quiet groan vibrated into the kiss as you deliberately laid him down, resting his back against the pillows. from there, you had more access to his body, your lips trailing down to his neck while your hand took its place back on his length, lazily pumping him up and down.

“m-miss!” shoto choked, his eyes widening yet again, holding you with his stare. you chose not to respond, instead stroking him quicker while pressing kisses to his shoulder.

“miss,” he tried again, this time more deliberately. “p-please tell me i’m yours...”

with him asking so sweetly, a few tears leaking from his gorgeous eyes at the overwhelming moment, how were you supposed to deny him?

“of course bunny,” you purred, leaning down to peck his nose, sending shivers through his body. “you are mine.”

shoto’s reaction was instantaneous. his eyes rolled back in his head and his mouth dropped open as he felt his pleasure begin to crest, determined to push him over the edge.

you, of course, noticed his body’s response and quickly pulled your hand off of him, painfully ripping his orgasm from his grasp. a disappointed whimper resonated throughout the room as shoto’s eyes found yours, staring at you with such betrayal that you almost found it funny.

“c’mon bunny,” you moved until you were kneeling between his legs, your hands leaving featherlight touches to his inner thighs. “you can hold out for me, right?”

shoto nodded before he could stop himself, desperate for anything you would give him.

besides, it couldn’t be that hard to hold off, right?

...

wrong. so very wrong.

it had only been 30 minutes but it felt like 2 hours since you started playing with him and keeping him from coming.

shoto was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, both hands tangled in his bi-colored locks, eyes squeezed shut with tear tracks now drying on his cheeks and his cock standing fully at attention.

it was purple, throbbing, and covered in precum as you licked a stripe up the side making shoto sob in pleasure.

he had never been harder in his life and he was certain that he would just die if you didn’t let him cum soon.

“p-please, please, miss, please, let me cum,” he babbled, shaking his head mindlessly while bucking his hips up into the warm heat of your mouth.

you chose to ignore his pleas while you moved your mouth over his tip, sucking hard while your hand pumped what wasn’t in your mouth.

“a-ah-!!” shoto shrieked, his back bowing off the bed, his orgasm coming on so hard and so fast that he felt like he was going to explode. “c-can’t hold back m-miss, i can’t, i can’t!”

your hand continued to pick up speed before you pulled your mouth off of him, toying with his tip while leaning up to breathe into his ear.

“cum for me bunny. you’re mine.”

with a cry of your name, shoto came, thick spurts of cum covering his abs, chest and thighs as his body convulsed under the weight of his bliss.

it was the most all encompassing orgasm he’d ever had and you, his former classmate, current partner, and future lover, was beside him through it all, helping him ride it out.

in the back of his mind, shoto knew he should be at least a little worried about how your relationship was going to change after all of this but he couldn’t bring himself to care. you were here and now, bringing him the most pleasure he’d ever undergone with nothing but kind words and a smile, filling his touchstarved heart with heat and, dare he say it, love.

shoto may not have been the funniest or the most open but you chose him, even if it was just for the night. and now that he unlocked how much he loved you, nothing else mattered — just you and him.

as he collapsed back into the sheets, his head just barely registering the cool rag wiping him down, he took pride in how he finally admitted it to himself; shoto loved you and he would be damned if he let anyone else take him away from you.

now, all he had to do was tell you but that was a conversation for another day.

▼・ᴥ・▼

taglist. if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you!!

@anikazoldeck • @hakunamatatayqueen • @alilsumnsumn • @sukunaslefttesticle • @hawksyoongi • @rivviespens • @kenmas-nintendoswitch • @myumyutie • @unicorngluttony • @bloomyagi • @shantellmcintosh • @queenhxla • @yeyehdom • @persies-main • @yikes-buddy • @nnmesis • @thehandsresisthim • @hinatabokeboke • @joongsite • @amazinghefi • @sarcasticambiguity • @mr-bombastic • @i-am-literally-deranged • @ch0pi • @aonjuh • @www-bubblefish • @meliorist-midoriya • @maizurie • @idkdude776 • @midarislonglostlefteye • @queerloser17 • @franklyrobin • @ravioliplease • @ashsera • @chirumi • @yamashiro888 • @xxjosiexx • @krstnn • @bbsista • @seij6hs • @franklyrobin • @chirumi • @melodysakura

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mqnasluvr · 3 years

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skinship headcanons | genshin impact

pairings; jean x gn!reader, amber x gn!reader, albedo x gn!reader

mentioned; kaeya, lisa, huffman, sucrose

warnings; suggestive themes ( jean ), all lowercase, not proofread

word count; 1.7k but half of it is albedo

jean

jean is not the touchiest person out there, but she does enjoy holding you. not too big on pda either; the most you’ll get out of her in public is maybe a quick smooch on the cheek and hand holding🛐 other than that, shes quite reserved.

her hugs are very comforting, but the first couple of times it was awkward on her part. she was used to giving barbara and klee hugs, but this was different. she wasn’t sure where to put her arms, and if anything she got more frustrated the more she hesitated.

once she grows accustomed to it, she’ll be fine. she enjoys the warmth and innocence of hugs, especially if you’re taller than her.

like i said, in public she isnt very touchy. while running errands she does keep you close though, and enjoys holding your hand more and anything.

behind closed doors shes a little bit bolder, but still shy overall. she’s not sure if she’s moving too fast for you so she waits until you initiate any type of physical contact, then takes it from there herself. it took her a long time before she managed to get the courage to kiss you tbh

one time when you two were in her office, amber walked in on you “distracting” jean from her work.

“y/n, i have to get back to work, please,” jean adverted her eyes from your gaze, embarrassed. she kept looking at the door, mentally asking herself if the door was locked or not and getting more nervous as the seconds passed.

you sat straddled on the young womans lap, her hands loosely placed on your hips. holding her face in your hands, you guided her face back to yours. “you work for way too long,” you frowned. “and i’m bored. there’s nothing to do in here.”

“the library is just across the hall—“

“if i read another book my brain will implode.” jean sighed and shook her head.

“please indulge in me just this once? please jean?” she stared at you blankly, her resolve quickly deteriorating. a couple of kisses couldn’t hurt, could it? she looked up at the clock in the corner of the room, then back at you.

sighing for the umpteenth time that day, she nodded. “just for a little while-“

before she could finish speaking, you pressed your lips to hers hurriedly, not wanting to waste any time. jean barely ever separated herself from her work, and refused to accept help from anyone else. you almost never had time alone with the acting grand master— you weren’t going to miss your chance now.

the kiss was not heated whatsoever, just very.. clumsy. and needy. on your part, at least. jean tried her best to slow you down, gripping your hips as her face heated up.

“jean, lisa needs you for somethi- oh,” amber nearly dropped the papers in her hands, immediately covering her eyes with it instead. you whipped your head around and stared at the girl wide-eyed before she spoke up again. “d-did i come at a bad time? i am so sorry, i’ll um. i’ll go now.”

jean couldnt look her in the eyes for WEEKS

it was painful

but overall, she likes physical affection, shes just nervous :,)

amber

amber LOVES touching you!! she’s 100% okay with pda. she isnt as forward as maybe kaeya or lisa, but she’s still rather bold. sometimes she forgets youre in public too, which ends up drawing a lot of attention to the both of you.

when you two go out on dates she is always touching you. hand in hand, arm around waist, whatever. theres always some type of physical contact, no matter what.

it’s so PAINFULLY obvious that you two are dating but for some reason she didn’t think that anyone knew ?? one time huffman saw yall kissing in an alleyway u really aren’t slick🤨

she loves cheek and forehead kisses, but likes receiving them more than giving really. shes a hyper one, and these kisses fluster her enough to make her quiet down. ( it’s so cute )

she often picks you up to hug you, spinning you both around in circles in an almost bone crushing hug. other than those times her hugs are really soft, but the energy is still there. ^^

have i mentioned that she is affectionate?? because she really is. she does respect your boundaries though, but if you feel uncomfortable you’re going to have to speak up on it because she won’t notice.

in private her clinginess is amplified by 10.

“i’m trying to cook, amber,” you mumbled, struggling to stir the paste sauce in the pot. all you were trying to do was make dinner for the two of you, but around 5 minutes ago she came up behind you and wrapped her arms around your arms and torso. you could feel her bury her face further into your back.

“mhm, and it smells really good too,” she hummed. you groaned, and she just giggled.

“i’ll be done in like, 20 minutes, amber. you can hug barron bunny in the meantime,” you tried to pry her arms off of you but she started whining.

“that’s too long.”

“no, it isnt,” you turned around with a spoonful of pasta sauce, motioning for her to open her mouth. she slurped the sauce and gave you a thumbs up.

“see? its good, right? well it wont get much better if you keep clinging to me so much,” she stayed quiet, but at least loosened her arms around you so that it was easier to move. you lightly patted her hand. “thank you.”

“whateverrr,” she drawled, and you couldnt help but laugh.

the pasta was in fact very good

in the end, shes the exact opposite of jean, and youll need to slow her down a lot :,)

albedo

as far as physical contact goes, it’s literally the last thing you will ever find on his mind. he’s too caught up with other things to think about physical affection

he does love you yes, but he doesnt show it through physical means. he does more gift giving, like when he sees a pretty flower that reminds him of you while going out to find starsilver shards.

if you want a hug or anything out of him you’re going to have to initiate it first— it’s foreign territory, and it’s not something he’s particularly interested in, so he doesnt feel the need to indulge in it

however the first time you two cuddle you can tell that he’s hooked. and he does a terrible job at hiding it.

now, he insists that you sit in his lap while he is taking notes because it “helps him focus better” and because “he’s so lonely”

we all know that aint true lmfao

he also really likes it when you play with his hair. please play with his hair, especially when you want him to get away from his studies. physical contact is completely foreign to him so something as simple as a scalp massage will make him melt 🛐

whenever he refuses to get away from his work, sucrose always asks you to step in because he wont listen to her

“y/n,” sucrose quietly approached you as you conversed with kaeya. you turned to her and nodded, albiet a bit concerned. sucrose never really needed you for anything, what did she need now that she couldn’t do herself?

kaeya took this as his sign to leave, but not before giving you a quick pat on the head. “yes, sucrose?” you said. “did something happen?”

she nodded meekly, watching kaeya walk off. a little bubble of guilt formed in her stomach from interrupting. “ah, i need your help with something. you see, mr albedo has been doing research non-stop on a new thing that has caught his eye since yesterday afternoon. i’ve tried to get him to put his research on pause, but,” she adjusted her glasses. “he doesn’t listen to me. i was hoping if you could maybe convince him to take care of himself?”

you pinched the bridge of your nose and sighed. he was doing it again. but you couldnt really blame him, he was terrible at keeping his hyperfixations under control. “i’ll take care of him, sucrose. don’t worry.”

she visibly relaxed at your words. sucrose flashed you a smile of gratitude, then waved and walked off to finish her errands in mondstadt.

—

it didn’t take him very long to notice your presence behind him. you were practically glaring at him, but there was no true anger behind it. wordlessly, albedo turned around in his chair and looked up at you.

you crossed your arms. “albedo,” you started, and it took everything in him not to sigh at the inevitable lecture.

“sucrose sent you, did she not?” he propped his arm up on the armrest of his chair, leaning his face into his hand as he gazed at you nonchalantly.

“of course she did. why aren’t you taking breaks?” he turned his chair back around, but you sat on the desk he was working at. you placed your hand on top of his papers and he shot a glare at you. it didnt phase you in the slightest.

“i have work to do. it’s much easier to do it all at once than stop inbetween.”

“have you at least been taking care of your basic needs? when was the last time you ate, or drank water?”

your eyes softened when he looked away.

hopping off of the desk, you grabbed his hand and pulled him away from his work ( gently, of course ). he barely protested.

you started muttering about how he needs to take better care of himself while pouring him a cup of water and making him a simple sandwich. he was a bit disappointed in himself for making you worry, and ate the food you gave him guiltily.

you pinched his cheek as he ate, giving it a light tug. he slapped your hand away playfully and a bit of the guilt he felt lifted when he heard your laugh. “i’m sorry you have to go through this for me.”

you shook your head. “you just need to learn how to stop yourself. you’re smart albedo, i’m sure you’ll figure it out in no time.”

he finished eating his food and, uncharacteristically, pulled you in for a hug. albedo rested his forehead against your shoulder, relaxing even further when you weaved your fingers through his hair.

“...i’m sorry, y/n.”

“stop apologizing.”

“okay. sorry. oh-”

you laughed.

#genshin impact #jean x reader #jean x reader genshin impact #jean x reader genshin #amber x reader #amber x reader genshin impact #genshin impact fanfic #albedo x reader #albedo x reader genshin #albedo x reader genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #is it obvious that i have a soft spot for albedo

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yellowbluemoonshine · 2 years

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Improvement, Realization & Self Destruction

I actually talked about this a lot, especially in here before but anyway, here we go.

First, i am gonna start with this one.

I think Fruits Basket another is bad. Because characters are not their own characters, they are meant to be mirror of their parents. They literally have same faces (worst ones aree Rin and Haru's chilren cause even though Rin and Haru are couple, their same version is siblings which is weird). Honestly, noone really care about their children, readers care about actual characters of Fruits Basket. Yes, its good to see their children being happy and all but even that, its for actual characters.

Not only we dont see the characters we actually want to see and story seems like an extra version of original one. Main character just like Tohru, zodiac children are just like zodiac members, except main male character is Akito's son so we kinda see AkiTohru couple in a way, straight version : )) because author wouldnt do GL, i guess.

And curse was supposed to end in Fruits Basket's ending but we still see cycle continues with Akito and her son. Even Kyo (his son said). They are still doing that banquet thing every year which is too unnecessary. And Sohma people dont seem to change at all.

Now, i actually think same about Fruits Basket's ending and Fruits Basket Another. There are so many issues with this series but now lets look at Akito and how she dealt with cycle of abuse in Furuba Another;

Only good part of Fruits Basket another is we can see how much Akito shows remorse, she literally shows every sign of someone who feels guilty for her actions.

- Accepting that she did something wrong;

She mentions openly admits that she hurted Kureno and zodiac

- Apologising or feeling too sorry to apologise

We see Akito's saying sorry to Kureno at hospital and later, when she mets with zodiac, she cant even look at their faces, feeling awkward with them

- Making sure that same things never happen again;

She doesnt only break Kyo free, she also destroy cat house at the end of Fruits Basket so noone will ever have to experience this. She also breaks the curse by her own hands, letting them go which is very brave behavour, especially for someone who have a fear of abandonment.

And here in Furuba Another;

- We see that she respect zodiac's boundaries, whenever they come to the place, she left so that they wont feel uncomfortable by her presence. Believe or not, you will hardly ever see anyone do this. Because many abusers, many OLD abusers, even they change, they wont pay attention to those details. They wont think or care how much people they hurted might be triggered by their existence. But the fact that Akito (EVEN AFTER 20 YEARS) still think about their well beings, the possibility of they might feel upset about her presence even though she desperately wanted to join banquest all this time....its just shows how much Akito cares, its definitely sign of someone who changed.

- We also see how comfortable and peacefull zodiac's children about head of family Akito. You can see that Akito is respected, not feared, by even children. If Akito was violent or toxic in any way, children would feel uncomfortable about her but no, they dont because Akito is far away from being toxic and violent. She is an adult whom even children can rely one, they respect.

- We also see that she became a very good mother, even though she didnt have a good mother at all. You can say that she is her son's hero in a way. Look at how much boy is fond of her. Because his mother is kind and lovely person.

- And again, the fact that zodiac members or even their children come here in a while shows that this place is better than before. Because Akito changed this. She tries to change the system, breaking the cycle of abuse.

Basically, Akito clearly feel remorse for her past actions and she takes responsiblity and she changes things for better.

But at the same time, she kinda fails because she might have self realization of that she hurted people but exacly because of this, Akito unable to see herself as good person or someone who deserves to be happy anymore. Lack of self love, lack of self worth, you can see it in her actions.

Basically, Akito didnt change really. Yes, she doesnt hurt others anymore, instead, she hurts herself : )))).

- At least, she would defend herself at past, now she doesnt. She could've fight against Ren, if she wanted but she doesnt and instead, she let her abusive mother stab her in front of her son and says 'i deserve this'. whic his pretty much suicidal and self destructive behavour.

Cycle of abuse happen with the idea of 'someone deserves to get hurted'. People who have black and white worldview would see what happens to Akito as 'punishment' or 'karma', even though, this just abuse and this is what we call justifying abuse. Akito is justifying the abuse she endured because she is unable to see herself as good person.

This is exactly the reason why Akgure happenned. 'We deserves each other'. We both toxic, we both bad so we should be together'. This kind of mindset literally destroy the idea of change.

No wonder Akito left the Kureno whom she thought as good and turn back to toxicrelationship as ‘punishment’ in a way. Lol, i dont care what anyone ever say but her feelings for Kureno seems to be more similar to love than she ever felt for anyone. It pure feeling. The way she talked about him is also similar to the way Kyo talked about Tohru : )). I dont ship Kureno x Akito but i am saying that its thousand times better than her ending because they both realized things because they BOTH HAD MISTAKES IN THIS RELATIONSHIP and could work on it but autor said no. Maybe because ‘Kureno is good guy, Akito is bad girl’ so Akito doesnt deserve him? Haha LOL. This is what happens when yo unever adress your ‘good character’s flaws.

As if Akito cant ever change, no matter how good she become, she will still be bad because....ummm.... oh yeah...thats what this society says. Instead of adressing the problems of this toxic relationship or any problem, Akito takes all blame of everything.

Because of this, every other character literally gets away with everything. All those people who are part of system, who groomed Akito since her young age, people who abuse her and zodiac members, they all harass Akito and noone do anything about it.

We also could see Akito’s working hard in orginal story too. She didnt need to be mother realy, we could see her getting along with children at the end of Fuits basket. Her breaking the curse and destroying the cat house was one of the powerfull things Akito ever did in this story. We could her feeling guilty in a thousand ways possible, we could see her change more, if author didnt rushed the ending. Basically fruits basket another was unnecessary and sucks.

Akito's character arc was supposed to be about her finally breaking free from her father's legacy but she still live with legacy anyway. She continues to be head of family and never really having a life outside of it.

Akito's character arc was supposed to be about moving on and ending 'eternity' but she stays at that sohma hell and suffering, her son literally calls his mother suffering as eternity, that she will suffer forever, it will never end.

Akito's character arc was supposed to be about being her own person and meeting with new people and instead, she still goes back to toxic relationship with a guy who only loved her cause of some stupid dream, who abused her but never feel gilty about it, who groomed her, who literally calls her as CURSE for LOVING HER.(More details of why this relationship is horrible in here.)

Because? Because Akito is horrible and everything is her fault, lets not think any further? Like wth?

Yeah its cheap and weak writing. You may ask why people dont have empathy and why they cant accept her change.

Because people have black white world view, main character Tohru who is perfectly pure, never did anthing wrong and antagonist made mistakes so she will have to suffer forever for it.

In Fruits basket, good characters mistakes arent adressed because people and probably author, they think if we talk about someone's misakes of flaws, they afraid that we see them as bad guys for some reason.

*Sigh*

Being good person is not never making mistakes. Its adressing your flaws, your mistakes and changing it for good. Treating people who made mistakes as if they will be unpure and bad forever is literally same as saying 'there is no such a thign as change'. Its hyporacy. Because everyone make mistakes but many people view theirselves pure and good, this is why they relate to Tohru and other 'good' characters more, this is why some people wonder they are weird for liking Akito. After all, story rebelled her as bad because she did something wrong so she forever has to suffer for it.

Fruits Basket is old story, its full of traditional toxic thoughts and this is what author thinks too. Stor clearly portrays victims as good and bad. Some idolized victim. Main character is treated as naive, stupid for having empathy ??

For example, i am personally nowhere near as Tohru. I am not people-pleasure or perfect hero. I am just ordinay person but i still felt when Tohru said Akito looked so pure when she cried, it was hearthbreaking. I understood exactly what she meant. Me as DECENT PERSON. I felt that. Because having trauma and doing wrong things didnt erase the pureness Akito has. She is still that child who wanted to be loved. And if Akito was real and she asked me why i helped her, i would hug her and say 'of course, its ONLY NATURAL TO HELP SOMEONE WHO NEEDED HELP' Akito deserves that help cause she was victim. We dont need stories that idolising heroes, we need stories that normalising helping people. Having empathy is not weird, its humanity. This is normal.

This is exactly why she should've get out of that place, finding her own dreams and making healthy relationship. She deserves to be loved by someone who will love her as her own person. She is not monster or toxic bad girl. She is capable of being more than this. She is kind and someone who will accept her mistakes. She is kind of person who will take responsiblity.

I think author or many readers dont understand what change really means thats why they see Akito's ending as justice, 'she deserve this kind of relationship', in a way you all say she deserves to have bad treatment and suffering which is the mindset of making cycle of abuse continue. Because people dont see theirselves when they look at Akito, they see people who hurted them and they want them to suffer. After all, seing yourself as Akito would mean seeing your own reflections, your dark feelings, you would have to adress your own flaws so its easy to just treat her as bad guy.

The psychological effects of guilt can be beneficial when they inspire a person to make changes in their behavior. But at other times they can cause distress. Research has shown that guilt and depression are often linked, for example. Research also suggests that anxiety, as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), can be related to feelings of guilt or shame.

When a person can’t fix a mistake, guilt can persist until they have the chance to make amends. Guilt resulting from an action that can’t be repaired, such as when a person feels they indirectly caused another’s death, can have a lasting, negative impact on life. Therapy can often help a person address these emotions and reframe their feelings about what happened. (source)

People who did something wrong most of the times tend to hurt theirselves cause of all that remorse and we help them with therapy. They need to move on from past too after all, not just the people they hurted, dont need to mention that Akito was victim all along and its hardly ever adressed....ooof.

Unfortutanetly Fruits basket isnt a story that moved on from those toxic traditional beliefs. (Some criticism about story in here.) Akito was always a character who doesnt self worth or self love, she was also very self neglective. Only thing changed about her is she stopped being destructive, had some realization but just being more self destructive. She still doesnt have any self love and self worth, if she had one, she wouldnt justify actions of people who hurts her. My girl deserves better.

But anyway.

I gave Akito a better ending in here. She gets teraphy, she is happy.

Sohma Akito is well written character, actually there are many good and itneresting things about this series and characters but yknow, there are so many unadressed problems, so many toxic tropes and its full of traditional toxic belifes. So its a shame really. Yknow, if there is something worse than 'bad show', that is a show that had potential but wasted and thats how i view this story and everything about it too.

#anon ask #Fruits Basket Another #fruits basket meta #furuba analysis #anti natsuki takaya #anti akigure #anti sohma shigure #sohma kureno #sohma akito #cycle of abuse #writing criticism #redemption arcs #fandom criticism #tw abuse #honda tohru #self destruction #akito x happiness

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corcedo · 2 years

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@maljefe : unprompted. loni & kazimir.

kazimir doesn't want to lose control for a plethora of reasons. loni comes to understand that eventually. she doesn't ask him too much about it other than for what he tells her, but she makes a silent promise to make sure, if something ever goes wrong, shell do everything in her power to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone.

fast forward a few months. kazimir is struggling to keep himself together. loni is still there, still by his side giving unconditional support. however, something happens. something triggers him. she might no have understood it, but it happens in a spot where there are innocent bystanders and instantly she knows it's bad. while he's busy with whoever caused it she's evacuating people, but it's not fast enough. before she knows it kazimir is closing in on her and those she's trying to get to run. she knows she doesn't have a choice. there's only one way to stop him.

she lasts while fighting him, but he's strong. even shifted she struggles to keep up. eventually too worn down she shifts back. exhausted and already broken she takes his hits, his rage, the uncontrollable nature that is kazimir when his safety mechanisms fail without a second thought.

he comes to eventually. by some miracle he does. however the sight he's met with is one of horror. she has her claws deep in his forearm, the very one that went in one side of her stomach and out the other, dripping with blood. her forehead is to his chest and she hears something that makes her realize he's back. so she looks up, smiles despite the pain written across her face.

"good... you came back to me." her legs falter and she slips down, blood pouring from the hole left in his wake. when he inevitably grabs her as she falls she touches his face ever so tenderly, smearing red across it. "dont worry... i protected them... i protected you... you didnt hurt anyone so dont make that face... its okay. i promise... everything is okay..."

two faces, that’s what he has. two faces, and kazimir is the one he isn’t. never wanted to be. but he tries to live with it anyway because he knows he cannot destroy it nor get rid of it. it doesn’t change his hatred for what has become of him (or perhaps, for what he has always been) but at the very least he can say he hates himself a little less in the right company. especially one who respects his boundaries, only ever borders the questions that so clearly hang over the two of them as though they were waiting to cloud together into a storm.

loni has, against all attempts towards the opposite, become the one positive factor in his life he is almost tempted to rely on and even if that cursed word haunts even this thought, at least it is not with negative connotations. if anything, it underlines what grand impact one person can have on someone elses life.

it is not rare for him to find people that taunt him, a handful of people that know him from his old life and want to make him as miserable as possible. he’s used to it; his stabilizer helps him ignore them.

but this one ... this one had outdone themself. staring at him from underneath heavy sunglasses with ocean blue eyes while twirling a blond strand of hair around their finger. it already has him on edge because that is not what he is supposed to look like now. no; it is so, so, so much worse than the present him. and then they grin, malicious and vile and clearly taking pleasure from his torment. and all it takes to have him go haywire is one simple sentence. one simple truth.

“try to pretend to be a person all you like. we both know you’re nothing but a weapon made to kill - you can’t even protect people, all you can do is hurt and kill.”

it feels as though it is his own reflection taunting him, telling him such cruel words with callousness and carelessness. as if someone reached within the endless depths of his mind and pulled out exactly the words he thinks to himself every single day.

except seeing someone resembling him so much yet so little, it makes him snap. causes a system overload that has him see red and before he knows it he’s on top of them, beating away. they’re not the real deal anyways - he knows that. it’s an android sent specficially to torture him. but that knowledge does not change the primal urge to destroy. to see that shitty, vile looking monstrosity - not the android, but what it resembles - beaten so bloody and tender that its flesh becomes almost liquid. to break and destroy it until nobody in this world or another can recognize what it is supposed to represent. until all traces of that are gone.

and his stabilizers are failing, the last shred of his own sanity try to remind him. but his thoughts are drowned out by the voices that come crawling his way, echo in his ears until they ring. “what have you done?”, “why did you hurt me?”, “we will never forgive you”, “it should have been you, not me” and worst of all “i wish i never grew up if i end up like this”.

suddenly there is nothing if not a dozen different versions of him, surrounding him as though they’re vultures looking for deceased prey to feast upon.

and his first instinct is to go for the one farthest from him; he doesn’t even hear the yelling or the actual voice that belongs to this false version of him. because it’s not him but he is lost, can’t tell. doesn’t understand where that distant, seemingly disembodied voice comes from. all he knows now is the make sure that every single version of him will beg for death; will go through the same torment he went through again and again until the time he was tortured looked like kindergarten.

if he could not hurt the world for hurting him, he certainly could hurt himself for living in it.

「 you! you should be dead! you should have died! it should’ve been you! 」

he growls against the throat of his other self like a rabid animal ready to rip its preys throat out. but the doppelgänger is strong. fights back even when he overpowers them eventually. they get good hits in and it makes him even angrier, to think that the him of the past would struggle on and fight against what it deserved. pathetic. disgusting. he had to exterminate that. it. himself.

he wants it gone. gone, gone, gone, gone! but just like when he first admitted his fear of death this one seems to struggle just like he expected he would have back then. like a fool, thinking he had a place to belong and people that relied on him. no, nobody needed him. people pitied him, that’s why they would be around him. but monsters like him ... nobody could have ever truly cared about something like him. and if they did, he would have told them to stop.

there’s a sharp pain in his shoulder and for a moment his vision flickers while a system message displays in front of him. and then blond turns an entirely different color and- and-

「 ... no. 」

the gasp comes out strangled in a breath he inhales almost at the same time he exhales the non-existent air in his lungs. this isn’t him- this wasn’t- it’s- he- this couldn’t be happening. no, no, no. not again. images flash in his mind, force him to relive the time he had to face the only person who he would have believed when they said they cared for him (at least they had before he had become what he is now). when he was manipulated and told to kill them.

he didn’t kill that person then. but he’s killing someone else, equally as important to him now.

he winces when he instinctively pulls his arm back, finally hears the sounds around him. the squelch that follows his arm leaving makes him sick, even if he shouldn’t be able to feel sick. and then there’s a hand against his face, and even through the artifical skin and the scars underneath he can feel it and it causes a strangled sound to escape him. like an animal in pain.

he can’t cry, but the way he starts to shiver and tremble might as well replace that for him.

「 i'm sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m- 」

cutting himself off the cyborg forces his brain to focus, even with his stabilizers not fully working. no, if he lost it now he wouldn’t do any good. instead, he realizes there is exactly one thing he can do to try and do something. it’s a long shot, but it’s worth a try. worth everything he can give if it means there’s even a one percent chance of it working.

the sound his side makes when he tears his artificial skin off is sickening, even more so combined with the creaking of his heavily damaged prosthetic arm. she really did do a number on his body, didn’t she?

he doesn’t make a single sound when he tears the protective plate off his side, reveals all the artifical organs underneath. if loni still had the strength to attack him now, she’d be the first and only person to find a way to kill him without hacking into his stabilizer system.

he doesn’t even know the expression he’s wearing but he refuses to let that stop him. he doesn’t say anything, even when his voice module tries to kick in. but the sound it gives shows that somehow it’s been damaged. that it’s slowly ceasing to function. he focuses, forces the plate against lonis back with mild force while keeping her steady. this has to work- it has to- if it doesn’t- if it doesn’t, he-

when he knows he’s holding her with his damaged arm enough to make sure she doesn’t drop any further than she already has - when has she even slipped? had he caught her? what had happened? why was he on his knees clinging to her? - he lifts his flesh arm to his face. it takes a moment until he can force his jaw open and use enough pressure to break through the artificial and his real skin. until he can see the purple glint of his blood - much more than what’s covering him and loni already. as though she avoided damaging potentially vital parts of his body.

and he hopes it doesnt hurt her but he holds his bleeding wound over hers; his blood is artificial, all but useless for a normal human without his pump. but it has beneficial factors, anyway. it does not need a blood type to be accepted by the body; and its components limit actual bloodflow and block arteries - or, hopefully, in this case wounds.

he apologizes, over and over again. croaks out the words like a man dying of dehydration. and his throat burns - no support from his voice modules is to be heard. it’s all the burnt and cut remains of his actual, flesh and blood, vocal chords.

and then he stands, lifts her up carefully. and his legs make disturbing noises as if they’re about to break and shatter at any moment. but he doesn’t care, forces them beyond their limitations to make sure he doesn’t waste any time. galanis. galanis might be one of the very few people that could save her. and he hates the man, he does. but if he reaches him in time they can make a deal. galanis could try to save loni and maybe she’d- she’d live- she could live and know she’s a hero, a god damn hero. the very thing he never could have been even when he wanted to.

it’s a blur - he doesn’t even know how long it takes to get there but when he breaks down galanis door and screams for him, when he gently - surprisingly much so given his restrainers are all shut off - sets loni down on the nearst surface.

「 i will do whatever you want- just- please- please- i beg of you- 」

he doesn’t explain the situation the moment dimitrios galanis enters the room. he can’t find anything in himself other than desperate pleading and begging. and to his surprise, galanis looks almost as though he takes pity on the situation. he gets to work right away, explains that he can try to save her but he can’t guarantee for anything. and that it’ll cost him a lot.

kazimir shuts his eyes, forces an inhale, then a shaky exhale. he wishes he could feel the fresh crispness of air in his lungs even if, knowing how galanis liked to keep his work place sterile as possible, it would have smelt of desinfectant.

「 i know. just ... please, please try to save her- i- i don’t care what it costs- just- i can’t- 」

i can’t lose her too. if i did i would go crazy. he doesn’t need to say that, he knows the doctor can see it in his expression, in the way it cracks open to reveal the broken remnants of the humanity he’s buried far below his self-loathing. she’s saved him. and everyone else. loni is a damn hero and he can’t help but want to tear his arm off for real at the realization that he’s the monster that hurt her. if she dies ... if she dies he’d die too. maybe not physically, but everything she’s helped him regain and rebuild these past few months ... it’d all crumble and wither away.

she deserves so much better. she deserves to live, damn it! and yet she’s sarificed all that for the sake of other people- he-

he wishes she’d have won. wishes she’d have torn him apart. maybe that would hurt less.

he doesn’t dare to move from his spot, huddled inta corner of the room covered in blood and other things. he can’t move - he’s too busy staring at whatever galanis is doing. as if staring at loni would somehow bring her back to consciousness alive and well by sheer willpower.

she doesn’t deserve this- doesn’t deserve any of this. and should she survive he’ll make sure to keep as much distance as he can from her. it’s okay, she said. it’d be okay, she promised. and he doesn’t think she’s a liar - would believe her even if she told him the sky was green and that alligators were a dog breed. but she could be mistaken, and somehow that makes it worse.

it should’ve been him. he should be the one lying on that table while someone tried to patch him up against all odds. and he inhales shakily, hugs his knees and ignores the way pain suddenly floods him and threatens to drown out his consciousness. fights against it. he has to, he has to keep watch over loni just how she’d kept watch over him. but his voice is shaky, terrified and weak and so raspy and grovelly it sounds like rocks being thrown against each other.

「 ... does- does she- does she have a pulse? 」

#bruh the way this turned out so fucking long #aynways bg it CH HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CRY #LONI DESERVES TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#SHE DESERVES TO LIVE!!!!!!!! AND LIVE A HAPPY LIFE!!!!#anyways :))) i hate it here.#i didnt know what to type because kazimir saw the ask and went ''nope. NOPE. NOT DOING THAT. YOURE ON YOUR OWN BRO'' SJFADJKLGDF #( answer // the golden one with the golden rules : kazimir )#( VERSES // you can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world : kazimir )#maljefe #violence tw #gore tw #death ment #implied death tw #long tw #long for ts

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ablackfangirlwrites · 3 years

Text

A/n: A new chapter for those of you who were waiting for this! I hope you enjoy it 💕🖤💕 again tagging @ayocee because you were a big help in making this love u boo😘

Part 1

Part 2

“You are too damn cute,” Daichi said breathlessly as he kissed you against the library bookshelf.

You couldn’t help but giggle, “Daichi- you’re going to get u-us in trouble.” You said inbetween his kisses, But he didn’t seem to care as he pushed up closer against you and deepened the kiss.

That’s how the last few days had been. You had been wrapped in everything that was Daichi. And you had been enjoying every second of it.

How did you get so lucky? Was all you could wonder. First, a random guy who is insanely hot pops up into your life and returned your precious wallet; And on top of that, he was interested in you!

And it’s been since that day you the two of you had been meeting up.

You had been right. You did have a few classes with him. And when you saw him the next day he offered to sit next to you and walk you to your next class. To which you happily agreed.

And after a few walks around campus and late-night texting sessions, you found yourself really enjoying his company. Hints the reason why you were making out during one of your study sessions in the library

So needless to say the two of you really really did hit it off.

And things really had been blissful with Daichi. He really was all the things you had thought he was, handsome, charming, funny, caring. He was literally everything you wanted in a guy.

Except there was one problem…

He wasn’t so keen on being in a relationship.

“I just got out of a relationship Y/n…” He told you the first time you brought up being his girlfriend and making things official.

“But I do like you a lot so I can definitely see myself with you if we keep this up, ” And looking into his beautiful brown eyes you believed him. And you had hope that there was a passionate relationship in the future for you two.

“But doesn’t that upset you? It’s been like a month since you started talking. What do you wanna do? Are you going to keep seeing him? ” Your friend asked you once they knew you and Daichi had been seeing each other for a few weeks. And nothing had been declared official yet.

“I don’t know...I mean I get why he doesn’t want to rush into anything, but I believe if I give him a little time we’ll be together...He’s a good guy.” You told her confidently. If anything you were trying to convince yourself. Maybe it was because of all those bad relationships of your past you were doubtful. "He just got out of a relationship he just needs time."

Daichi was different. He had to be. He was nice..he’s a good guy.

Her only response was a sigh, “Alright I trust your judgment. But even nice guys can have a bad side.”

Once again you found yourself just hoping you were right.

Things kept getting more intense with Daichi. Which was good and bad; Bad because even after seeing each other for over 3 months he still didn’t want to make it official and good because even though that was the case you still couldn’t get enough of him, he was just so good to you. He always listened to you. He was was making sure you were comfortable with him. He was literally perfect.

But you weren’t so stupid and naive, and again it might have been because of all the other times you had been used. That you had made a deal with Daichi. No sex until you were official.

The only problem with that was Daichi seemed okay with it. Make out sessions and dry humping was working for him. And he respected your boundaries, And it annoyed you to no end because the whole reason you said that was to encourage him. But that didn’t work.

There was one other issue too...His friends.

You weren’t sure if they like you or not. It wasn’t that they were mean to you either. If anything they were indifferent. Daichi talked about them all the time, making them sound fun and lively. And when you met them they all seemed great, but whenever you were around you couldn’t help but get the feeling they were all having a conversation about you behind your back. It made yoi feel uneasy. But you pushed it too the back of your mind.

“You really falling for all that? His one friend Kuroo asked you one day. After Daichi had left to do something, leaving you with his friends. Out of all of Daichi's friends he was the one that you were sure you didn’t like. As far as you were concerned Kuroo was a nerd and who was annoying and he seemed to always have something snarky to say whenever he saw you with Daichi.

“What jealous? You can't be as charming as him?” You quipped back at him.

Kuroo snorted with an eyeroll, “Sure.”

Annoyed with his attitude you spoke up again, "Whats you deal anyway? Aren't you supposed to be his friend? Or do you just not like us together?"

Kuroo signed closings his notebook and packing up his things where he was studying, “I’m just watching this one play out. It’s a shame tho you seem nice.” He was so condensing. It was always something vague with him. But you just roll your eyes and continue about your way, not giving his words much thought.

Having no idea what his words really meant.

But all good things must come to an end.

It was a random day when you saw Daichi. He had been texting you as normal all-day. And everything seemed fine. You guys even planned on seeing each other later that night to study.

But then you saw him as you were heading back to your dorm.

That itself wouldn’t have been a problem if not for the fact he told you he was still had work to do in one of his classes, and the fact you saw him with someone else. And not just anyone. Another girl.

And again that wouldn't have been a problem either if not for the fact he had his hands wrapped around her, and she him as the two of them stood there kissing in broad daylight. Not caring who saw them. Which was very different from anytime you were with him. It wasn’t like he was keeping you a secret he took you around his friends after all...but now that you were really thinking about it you never been with him kissing outside in the middle of the campus who was she?

They stopped kissing and stood there talking for a bit smiling and staring into each other eyes, just like you usually do with him and you felt the sting in your heart. You almost felt bad for just standing there watching them. Like you were invading their privacy, but they were out in public…

You wanted an answer.

You don’t know where you got the courage from but you didn’t want to be a bystander in this. So you went up to them. Praying that she wasn’t anyone serious to him. That maybe she was like you and they hadn’t been made official and you still had a chance. You still wanted hope that you and Daichi could be together.

“Hey, Daichi!” You said in a voice that was way too high.

Daichi seemed to freeze for a moment when he saw you, “oh-Y/n...Hey..er- how have you been?”

He really was acting like the two of you hadn’t been texting just a few hours ago. And you felt your heart sinking.

“I’ve been fine, Daichi…” You started to trail off

But the girl spoke up, “Who’s this Di?”

He cleared his voice, “Um a girl I study with sometimes."

You couldn't believe it, Daichi didnt even have the decency to tell her your name.

Daichi seemed to pick up how that made you feel so clearing his voice he spoke up, "Y/n.."

But the girl looked at him expecting him to say more which he also picked up on, " Annnd Y/n- this my girlfriend (girls name)” He answered avoided your gaze.

You didn’t know what hurt the most that he couldn’t look at you, or that he was in a relationship when he had been leading you on all this time.

But not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of him anymore. You faked a smile, “Yeah, ummm...I-I was just asking if you had any trouble- with that problem number 4 on the test today?” You asked him out of the blue.

Daichi seemed to sigh with relief that you weren’t making a scene, “Yeah, I did actually. But I’m sorta busy right now but we can go over it later alright?”

You were so hurt, and you were trying not to cry, “Don’t bother...I'll figure it out” You told him before walking away.

This was a nightmare! You felt betrayed! How could he? The events of the last few minutes replayed in your head. A girlfriend? No wonder he didnt want to be in a relationship with you, he was already in one! You wished so hard that it wasnt true. That he would run after you and tell you it was a joke. That you were the one he wanted. That the last few months with him weren't a lie.

But that wasn't going to happen.

You got far enough to where you were sure they couldn’t see you before you let your emotions flow....He had a girlfriend you repeated in your head over and over again. You felt so used, and stupid. This was far worst than the other guys, Because you actually believed he was different; that he was your Mr. Perfect.

But you were so wrong.

“Oof that was awkward,” You heard someone say besides you, you quickly tried to wipe away the tears on your face. Only to look to see it was Kuroo. Great, of course, it was him out of all people you thought.

“I bet you’re really enjoying this,” You said trying your best to sound tough as you fiddled with your clothes and tired to make yourself look like you werent crying.

But kuroo wasnt so cruel to tease you while you were clearly upset, and he knew the reason why, “Y/n, I’m sorry-” He tried to tell you but you werent listening.

"I dont need you pity kuroo," You said rolling your eyes and leaving.

You didn’t have time to deal with another jerk. You thought you were done with them. Daichi was supposed to be a good guy. The one you could trust. The person that was going to make your life better.

But from what you just went through and that hollow feeling in your chest, you knew how wrong you were.

#daichi x y/n #daichi sawamura x reader #f.boy daichi sawamura #daichi sawamura #haikyuu daichi #daichi scenario #haikyuu daichi x you #haikyuu daichi x reader #daichi x you #daichi x reader #daichi sawamura x you

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ratanslily · 3 years

Text

so i just finished weh, and its good.

i just need to let out some thoughts so..

i think it could be better if they hadn't paywalled every good scene, i understand for some scenes but scenes like talking to friends to cope with what happened and talking about dakota at graduation shouldn't require premium scenes. i dont think the last chapter would've been as good as it is if people didnt take those scenes.

its a nice story, even though Dakota x mc feels rushed at beginning, they make it upto the readers by showing their relationship bloom even more throughout the book

i think this was very sweet and required in mtfl, because it feels so real, with so much emotions and trust in each other, rather than a mindless hookup

the way dakota keeps asking "this okay?" was SO genuine and cute, respect for the boundaries and comfort of your partner during the intimate time :")

the friend group is great, and they dont become instant friends, like lennox doesnt trust mc right away but takes time to adjust to her, i like that very much.

+ i love how mc's friends praise her for showing solidarity for dakota by shaving her head, its not much but it's a cute little coding they did there. im so relieved this wasnt a premium choice, because it would be hella low of them to do so

relationships are not smooth sails, i like how they made dakota frustrated, even though it hurt, it was important to show he's a human too, that too a child with such a great amount of stress in his life.the angst here was so good, but again my problem is with how they paywalled friends helping mc work thru the fight

i have alot more to say about dakota but ill just leave it here

this, for dakota👆❤

#weh

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chaos-and-recover · 3 years

Note

I am married to someone with an intense, if only midsized, fanbase. Parasocial relationships have been a part of our lives since long before it was a buzzword. It is weirdly fascinating to us, but sometimes a bit frightening. Now that it is the buzzword of the hour, seeing it misattributed is one of our pet peeves. I have seen people claim any amount of interaction on the fan's end is "pick me" (although fan interaction is necessary for his job) or claim that him utilizing social media makes him more culpable for forcing parasocial relationships on the fans because of power imbalances. If he is obvious about promoting something, though, it doesn't go over well because audiences don't want to feel like their being advertised to. Parasocial relationships are sometimes hurtful and scary on our end. 1) There was a woman who had been following his career since the 90s, when he wasn't as well known. She would often send him letters, gifts. Within the past 5 years something changed. I don't know why, but she suddenly began to consider him a boyfriend of sorts. He had never responded to these letters. I discovered she had been catfishing me under my private, locked social media accounts under a fake name, pretending to be someone I knew from high school. He blocked her on all social media. She harassed his coworkers until they blocked her too. A friend of mine said she went on TikTok to brag about how overly sensitive celebrities will block if you call them out for not being better than regular people. Meanwhile, we got a letter from her last year begging for him to forgive whatever she did that offended him. 2) 15ish years ago, in a magazine interview, my husband states his fave color. 2 years ago, I was having lunch with a friend, without my husband. A younger woman approached the table. She asksnif my husband was around and I said that he wasn't. Immediately her tone and expression changed to something nasty. She asked if I would at least give him a painting she had done of him. It was all done in various shades of the same color. I commented on this and she sneered at me with; "It's his fave color." I am still trying to be polite at this point and casually go; "Oh is it?" and she ery rudely snaps that I am his wife and I don't know his fave color like SHE does, so I have had it and say, assertively that I've had enough and she needs to leave. I gave it to my husband and told him the encounter. He laughed about it and said that it wasn't his fave color anymore. I had never thought to ask about his fave color because it just didn't seem important to either of us. He had never asked mine. Her twitter handle was on the painting so I looked it up. Her and a few friends were discussing the incident, using my first and last initials and my husband's first. They were discussing how clearly they know him deeper than I do, that he must secretly hate me if his own wife doesn't understand him like she does, and she altered the story so that she had seen him there earlier so I was clearly lying and that she had timidly approached the table and I had screamed at her that the color was ugly. I don't watch his interviews unless he specifically asks me to, because this is like listening in on someone's work meeting. This has been misconstrued by "fans" that I don't support him. I absolutely do, 200%, probably more than they support their husband's jobs, but watching his interviews isnt how i support him. I support him in our home, in our phone calls, in other ways he appreciates in our personal lives. Parasocial relationships are absolutely fine, until people start to believe they aren't in one, or that it is somehow more substantial than personal relationships the celebrities have with their loved ones. They truly think that they can Sherlock Holmes someone enough to truly know them better than the ones who actually know them in real life. (Sorry if you got this multiple times. Tumblr said it didnt send my ask.)

(Same anon from before) What fans need to understand is that parasocial relationships are good. It is fine to be a fan of someone, support their career, analyze them and write fanfiction and draw fanart of them or their characters. This is how my husband keeps his job, this is completely normal fan behavior. It isnt bad for the sake of existing. But they need to be aware that it is parasocial. I think the problem doesn't lie with parasocial relationships so much as when those in the relationship aren't aware that it is parasocial. Those who are aware of it being parasocial aren't the ones claiming that I do not know my husband but that they do or sending him love letters thinking their in a relationship with him. Those who know it is parasocial know that there is a difference between him answering questions in an interview (after being coached by a professional on how to appear and how to speak, and going into it knowing 90% of the questions) and having a conversation when there aren't cameras around, behind closed door. There is a difference between remembering a list of favorite things and watching someone enjoy those things in the moment every day in person. You just HAVE to be aware that they ARE parasocial.

First of all I gotta say I'm SUPER curious who you are (obviously you don't have to tell me!)! I've heard and seen things like what you described happen in several different fandoms of varying popularity, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. But you're 100% right, engaging in regular fandom behaviour is perfectly normal, even interacting with creators/actors/musicians/whoever on social media (or in person if you meet them). It's HOW you interact with them. You need to both have your own and respect their boundaries.

I'm a fan of a couple 80s/90s boybands, as you just... ARE as an elder millennial lmao, and I can understand how easy it is as a young teen to go too far and cross boundaries because you just don't have the life experience or really, emotional regulation to interact with your idols in a normal way. But I've seen that now carry on well into adulthood, the things grown-ass women TO THIS DAY say about the wives of some of these band members is shocking (maybe not to you though since you've lived it!). I've had several conversations where I've had to remind people that literally every interaction they've had with these people at official meet & greets and stuff, even to an extent their interactions on social media, it's like the famous-person equivalent of Customer Service Voice. They're working! Of course they're nice to you when you paid like $500 to talk to them for thirty seconds! It doesn't mean you're friends!

(Not shaming paid M&Gs, I've done them, I'd do them again, it's an opportunity my 13 year old self never thought she'd had but like... I'm not secretly dating a Backstreet Boy because I met them for five seconds, y'know?)

Anyway yeah... all this to say, you're right. Parasocial relationships are a natural part of fandom and they're FINE and GOOD you just gotta respect boundaries.

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ms-katonic-of-tamriel · 4 years

Text

Saw a fic tagged Lady Miraak/Lucien Flavius the other day.

Oh my god. That poor man. He’ll be eaten alive.

OTOH Lady Miraak?? Have some courage and make it male Miraak. Miraak’s bi as anything, he’ll take one look at this sheltered young Imperial desperate for knowledge of the Dragon Cult and... think things.

Bonus points for Very Sheltered Lucien at one point going “you know, if I were a girl, I’d be really nervous about now! Because... because you’re a bit terrifying!” (Spoiler alert: Lucien Flavius is really nervous, and Miraak is grinning at him like a born predator.)

Miraak chuckles and tells him to report back for his first lesson the next day then goes off to track down the annoying but definitely Not Straight jester, also from Cyrodiil, because he has to ask, have the norms around same-sex relationships changed that much??

“No, no, only Cicero fears that Mr Flavius is... how can Cicero put this. Sheltered. Naive. Barely twenty years old. The only child of doting parents. Has spent his entire existence in academic libraries. Is likely untouched. It is entirely possible he has managed to go his entire life blissfully unaware a relationship between two men is even possible.”

Miraak finds this hilarious and decides to have fun with that idea, and Dovahzul and history lessons are interwoven with VERY seductive body language, near-unmistakeable innuendo, getting Lucien all hot and bothered while not actually touching him then backing off immediately. Eventually Lucien snaps and talks to Kaidan of all people, because he’s confused as all hell, because it’s weird, it’s wrong, he doesn’t understand it, if Miraak was a woman, he’d know it was flirting but Miraak’s a man, men don’t do that to other men, do they?

Kaidan the other bisexual facepalms, wants to know just how they ever let Lucien out on his own, tells him yes they do in fact do that, just as women often go out with other women, it’s perfectly normal and not remotely rare. And yeah, Miraak’s seducing you. Or trying to. Do you need me to have a word with him, because First Dragonborn or no First Dragonborn, he doesn’t get to hassle you.

“No! No? I need to think about this. A lot. Oh Mara.”

Cicero is the next port of call. Did you know about this, Cicero? Men going out with other men? Cicero stares at Lucien, puts down the anatomical diagram of pain nexuses that he’s been colouring in, looks at him long and hard and then bursts out laughing for a good minute before drying his eyes and nodding. Yes, Flavius. Yes, Cicero knew. Cicero thought everybody knew.

“I didnt know! Oh gods. Miraak’s interested in me. Oh gods. Cicero, what do I do?”

“You are asking me for romantic advice?? Oh by Sithis... I don’t know! Are you interested in him or not?”

“I don’t know! He’s terrifying!”

“Good or bad terrifying?”

“Good... there’s a good terrifying??”

Cicero realises he now has to explain kink as well as queerness and wordlessly gets some books out of his personal collection.

“Some people like having power removed from them and being rendered utterly helpless while a ruthless, ravishing brute does whatever they like with them. Other people like taking helpless yet willing victims and having their way with them. It does not surprise Cicero that Miraak is among them.”

“Which kind is he??”

“He just had five thousand years of Mora rendering him helpless, he’s either VERY keen on it or has had enough. For you, boy? Assume it’s the latter.”

Lucien whimpers. Takes the books. Runs. Liriel gave Miraak’s mask to Dragonborn Gallery without hesitation and he’s been bare-faced ever since, with piercing blue eyes and long blonde hair and a smile that could tempt an Aedra to sin. She let him keep the robes though, having had replicas made for her museum, the originals cleaned and mended, and then returned, and the First Dragonborn had been wearing those whenever Lucien had seen him. Without the mask they were low-cut, to well below his collarbones, and while they weren’t tight-fitting, it was clear Miraak had muscles under there, and Lucien knew first-hand Miraak could fight with blade as well as magic.

Miraak was terrifying. That was a given. But Lucien had to know for sure.

Next lesson, Lucien enters the safehouse, sees Miraak sitting by the fire, and Miraak only has to look to know something is wrong. Different. Lucien is staring at him and not coming any closer, and Miraak realises that after three and a half months, he’s finally fucking realised.

About time. Now, what will the young seeker after knowledge do about it.

Silence and it is Miraak who breaks it.

“Is something wrong, goraan?”

“No - yes - have you been flirting with me??”

Bless him, his young student has finally graduated.

“You have finally noticed! Well done, goraan. Yes, I have been... how does Tamrielic put it. Pushing my luck. Nudging at the boundaries. Wondering which will fall first. Note I have not laid a finger on you. Merely left suggestions in the air. And despite becoming ever more blatant, you still come back for more. Why is that, goraani?”

Oh gods, he’s changed to the possessive tense.

“I’m not your... I’m leaving. Right now! I’m not coming back! I’m not paying for Dovahzul lessons in sex!”

Surprise on Miraak’s face. “It was never the intent you should, goraani. Ah, krosis. I took advantage of your naivety. It was wrong. I apologise. If you wish to stop the lessons, I understand. But if not, I will continue - only I promise to behave this time. You have my word as an Atmoran.”

Atmoran honour and the swearing of a vow were covered early on. Lucien doesn’t entirely trust him, but at length he sits down and the lessons resume. Except they’re different. Miraak is a respectful three feet away at all times. No breathing down the back of his neck without quite touching. No innuendo or purring or that damn smile. Just Miraak being calm and professional and, and... Lucien hates it. Hates every fucking second of it because walls have gone up, part of Miraak that was on display is now shut off, probably forever and Lucien... Lucien misses it. Lucien misses the feeling of feeling scared out of his wits but safe at the same time because Miraak wouldn’t really... Miraak apparently would. If Lucien asked him. Lucien does not know how to ask. Or what to ask for. But Miraak behind him, trailing a finger down the back of his neck, Miraak’s chest on his back and his arms round his waist... With arms like that, Miraak probably gives really good cuddles.

“Goraan. You are clearly not paying attention. If your mind is elsewhere, you are welcome to discontinue until it returns?”

“No!” Lucien gasps. Raised eyebrow from Miraak who wants to know where exactly his thoughts are flying if they are not here, and Lucien can take it no more.

“You. Utter. Bastard!”

Miraak doesn’t even look shocked. “I am, yes. Which of my many sins are you referring to?”

“You can’t just... you can’t just do this to me! You can’t just spend months being all up close and personal and then just... just switch it off like it meant nothing!”

Strange look on Miraak’s face. “Krosis, Lucien. I was under the impression my attentions were unwelcome and you wished me to stop.”

“No! Oh gods. No. You utter, utter bastard, I hate you so much, please don’t stop.”

Silence, Lucien’s face going bright red as he realises what’s just come out of his mouth, and he can barely look at Miraak. Then the chair creaks, Miraak’s footsteps are on the stone floor and then gauntlets are removed, hit the table, and then Miraak’s hands are in his.

“Lokaaliin. Is that your wish? Truly? For me not to?”

Miraak’s voice is gentler than Lucien has ever heard it and he finally looks Miraak in the eye to see the softest smile, one he’d not thought the man capable of, and Miraak’s reaching up to stroke his cheek, cupping his face and Lucien can’t stop himself leaning into his touch.

“I’m scared, Miraak.”

“It is all right to be. I have... not had a lover in a long time. But I have not forgotten how to give pleasure. I will give it to you if you ask.”

“I don’t even know how to - I’ve never had one! Oh gods.”

Miraak just smiles and kisses his hand. “It is all right. I will take care of you. It is your wish to move our lessons to a more intimate footing?”

Lucien nods, because Miraak makes him flushed and breathless and eager for... he doesn't even know what for. Miraak takes him by the hand and leads him to the bedroom upstairs, promising nothing below the waist will happen yet, they can just talk and cuddle, yes?

After all the frantic worrying, for it just to be that is a blessed, blessed relief. Miraak sheds his circlet, outer layers, strips down to his trousers, kicks off his boots and lies down on the bed, arms open for Lucien and Lucien hesitantly takes off his outer coat and his own boots and goes into Miraak’s arms, and from the moment skin touches skin, it is safety, reassurance, a throbbing strength that allays his fears as Miraak pulls him into his arms and holds him tight, and it takes Lucien a moment to realise Miraak is shaking.

“Are you all right?”

“Krosis. Yes. I am well. I just... I have had no one in my arms like this in millennia. Ah, goraani, I’m sorry. Be patient with me.”

Lucien hadn’t expected that. For all he’d seen Miraak as the scary First Dragonborn, he’d not even realised there was still a human being in there with feelings and vulnerabilities. That... was a lot less scary, or rather it was still scary in a different way. Goodness, what if he hurt Miraak? He’d never even thought of it that way round before. Well. He’d just need to be gentle, wouldn’t he. Just as Miraak was presently being with him.

It would be a few weeks more before sex actually started to happen. Rather more before they finally told other people they were seeing each other. Round about the time Liriel takes them both in her party, Lucien’s swarmed by Falmer, and then Miraak promptly immolates them all so fiercely you can’t tell flesh from chitin any more and when all the foes are dead, is frantically checking Lucien over, healing his wounds and then holding him so tightly no one can miss what’s up.

Liriel has strong words for Miraak, but sees Lucien leap to his defence and at length decides, what the hell, anyone to be a reforming influence on Miraak is a good thing, and Miraak does seem to genuinely care. Still, she does promise that if he hurts Lucien, she’s coming after him. Miraak just smiles. He’d expect no less.

Not so very long after that, Lucien moved into the safehouse with Miraak, and then it turned out his father got him a lead to this Dwemer ruin on Solstheim of all places and who better to go and have a look with him than a Solstheimer? That led to a whole series of adventures, including that one time Miraak nearly broke up with him for remantling the Dwemer-Daedra entity that had tried to kill Miraak and possess his corpse... but eventually Miraak forgave him. Even if he decided that if Lucien now had a demon horse, he was getting one, and acquired a Storm Atronach in horse form as his mount. At least it wasn’t tentacled.

#miraak #lucien flavius #skyrim #this is never going on ao3

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tinydailysteps · 3 years

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Its been a while since i wrote an update on here and though im grateful for a lot, i really needed time to reflect on whats been going on.

Tw Sexual assault and (idk if this is even valid for a tw but) emotional abuse

Today was the first time i accepted the truth of the relationship i was in. I was both sexually assaulted and emotionally abused.

I always thought those words held too much power. That they were too big not to be noticed yet here i am, months after, just now accepting the truth for what it is.

My ex lied to me about his character, pretending to be someone hes not and posing to be authentic to get me to be with him.. then openly admitted to doing so. At the time i thought he was kidding and that he meant he put effort cause he liked me.. i now realize that he studied me enough to know what i was looking for and became that but only until he got me wrapped around his finger. Once i was, id essentially be willing to do anything to stay there cause the rope that held me felt like the only thing that did. Though tightening around my neck it really did feel like the only support i had.

I hate that i was the first to initiate a kiss. What started as so innocent quickly turned into expectations of sexual favour. At first, giving him a blowjob meant satisfying him. "Its not a big deal" hed say. Eventually it became him wanting to return the favour despite me not being comfortable with it. I always thought that oral was about satisfying the other person yet everytime i felt even more scared. But still i thought it was normal since we were together.

During sleepovers id wake up with his hands between my legs and him grinding against me. I thought the fact that i was wet meant i wanted it. I didnt. And despite me physically pushing his hands away from him and saying no, his hands found their way back. Objects shouldnt have opinions, theyre meant to be used. I felt like an object during those times and i really wish it was just once. At this point even being in my own bed irks me. Seeing every street we walked, park we sat in and hearing every song from that time with him hurts. What hurts the most though is that i was dumb enough to lower my standards to nothing for him. To turn my own boundaries and limitations into light suggestions. I shouldve left and i honestly dont know why i didnt. I hate that i blame myself but i really do. I blame myself for every second i spent trying to make a relationship with an assaulter work. With the person who assaulted me.

If you read this so far, thank you for hearing me out. Though i doubt he'll ever see this, id like to dedicate the next bit to the piece of shit i once thought was the love of my life.

Dear J,

as much as id like to say i hate you i cant. Im disgusted by the person you turned out to be but the idealised version of you still lives in my head. Every once in a while i need to remind myself of every way you harmed me to realize that that version only exists in my mind and that the person who stood in front of me was an exact opposite.

You were a sexist. Always talking about what women should wear or do yet clinging to the one success you had in highschool as evidence of your manliness. I remember the countless arguments about "feminism" and why you found it to be such an issue that i identified as a femist. "Its racist against guys", you said. As if i didnt just reminded you that feminism by definition is equality between genders. Said that women and men have their roles and need to stick to them. Well, here i am telling you that you failed at the one thing you thought was right. If your definition of being a man is to provide, care and be the strong one in the relationship, you failed miserably. On normal circumstances i wouldnt give you shit for that but since you're you, you deserve to know that by your own definition you are not a man. By mine, youre just a shitty person. It took my a while after our break up to rekindle my love for feminism. To recognize that im not confined by the expectations of a man, or anyone else for the matter. I was even surprised to see that i was stronger and smarter than i let myself be during our relationship but i guess i wanted to let you feel like something youre not. Yes i grabbed that out of crazy rich asians cause ive never related to anything more.

Lets talk about your racism too. Youre constant need to act "black" yet criticism of the people. Cornrows, rap, streetwear, even words that dont belong to you, youd want. I remember the first time i heard you say the n word. It flew out of your mouth like it was nothing. Id applaud you for agreeing to stop saying it but that would be applauding previous idiocy and ignorance as well as the bare minimum. You still refer to immigrant workers with the lowest of terms. Youre still a racist. That i couldnt change.

While were talking about lack of respect, lets talk about family. As a person who spoke of that being the most important thing, you sure do disrespect your parents often. Im no one to judge family dynamics but act on what you preach. Talking shit about your mum is not respect and neither is shouting at her through the phone after she asks you the most basic of questions about YOUR well being. Again, youre a piece of shit.

I could go on and on listing things you might not even realize but its not my job to tell you what you lack. Just in case you were wondering though, its a lot.

Safe to say that i wish i never met you. Some might say "oh but you learned a lot!" but the damage youve inflicted on me is something ill need years to work on yet i know that you walked away with no remorse or lessons.

I hope you grow or rot in hell. Whatever comes first. Point is, stay the fuck away from me.

With utmost disgust,

#sexualassault #relationship #ex #emotional abuse

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n-ugg · 3 years

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I didn't expect to get tagged but here we are. As you all will be able to tell in a bit, I am a massive Quackity fan

Thank you for tagging me @skeetlehands!

who is your favourite member on the smp?

Look, I love them all but these have a special place in my heart.

Quackity, Slimecicle (I am fully aware he just joined but I still love him), Schlatt, Tubbo, Eret, AweSamdude, and Ponk.

They're just great in and out of character and just have comforting vibes.

when did you first start watching the smp and what made you get into it?

I gotten in during the Pogtopia era since it took me a while to get access to the streams.

I mainly gotten in with the Sad-ist War animatics along with me trying to catch up on Quackity's VODS. Just someone that I was already familiar with being an easier shift into story and learning others through him

what is your favourite part about watching the smp?

Just watching everyone interact with other and just seeing the plot progress in real time. Its literally just dnd but with extra steps but I enjoy it so much

The improv that they all do is amazing and how everyone have different approaches to their characters makes my writer's side so happy with dissecting everything.

What piece of cursed lore is your favourite

That Wilbur canonically fucked a fish and Philza canonically fucked a Samasung fridge and just seeing the fanbase try to change into something that will at least make a bit more sense.

Im included in this, I basically joined the side that has Sally being a mermaid shapeshifting pirate. Mainly because of pirate Fundy

Who is your favorite duo on the smp

Slimecicle and Ranboo: They're the same person but in different fonts, you can convince me otherwise

Schlatt and Quackity: They managed to be super funny together with all of the jokes and balanced with making a very realistic abusive relationship work. It was always fun seeing them flirt with each other for a joke then get hit with whiplash when canon comes in to remind me that this isnt healthy

Tubbo and Tommy: They're two dumbasses who share the same braincell but then they constantly lose it and Tubbo mainly has custody of it

Wilbur and Schlatt: I just enjoy seeing Schlatt messing with Wilbur and occasionally flirts with him to get Wilbur more pissed off

Who are your comfort streamers

Quackity and Slimecicle are comfort streamers

Eret, Fundy, and AweSamdude are my comfort people (meaning I dont watch them as much but I find comfort in their presence. And the other two are also under this category)

Who is your favorite character

Quackity due to how complex his character is and yet how it looks so simple

Schlatt because is just a villian who knows how to play the game without getting caught

Tubbo, watching him trying to be hopeful with everything destroy around him and he just slowly become used to everything going wrong

AweSamdude because he is just trying his best to be a father figure others and I just got family issues

Who do you think the best actor(s) on the smp

Imma skip over the ones that we all already said and get into the ones that dont get enough praise

Quackity: Just how he managed to make his character seem so basic but in reality its really complex. And just seeing the shift from him being a chaotic force of nature to being a serious character that is trying his best to reach something that has been hanging over his head is just *chefs kiss* and he always delivers amazing lines on the spot.

BadBoyHalo: He is doing great right now, even though he is a bit rusty with starting he still manages to get into character and stay in character the entire time. When slowly easing in, you can tell its a bit forced but once he finds his footing, he knows how to deliver his lines.

AweSamdude: His entire bit where he was getting rescued from the egg fucking hurt. How he sounded weak from the entire thing and tired to where he just wanted to rest was so well. And I know he can act more energetic when he was accidentally dragged into playing a cop during Quackity's and Bad's date

Fundy: You guys need to give him more praise for his acting because he is fucking amazing at it. The little touches to how he voice when speaks is so good along with his body language in game. He knows what he's fucking doing and I love him for that. And when he snapped, it made complete sense if you payed attention to his character

I didnt add Ranboo because he's automatically at the top section due to him being a dnd player. Same goes to Slimecicle even though he hasnt acted yet. I dont make the rules. You play dnd, you know how to act

What are your favorite quotes

I dont have favorite quotes, just dialog heavy scenes.

Before Doomsday, Quackity going to take his horse far away from L'Manberg, it being the one thing he cares about. It was just so good

The entire Schlatt and Quackity argument in front of the white house

The meeting between Schlatt and Quackity with Schlatt yelling out to him in a taunting way to where Tommy and Quackity are trying to figure out what happened to the tnt. I constantly rewatch it to feel the adrinaline pumping to feel something

Wilbur's slow descend into insanity and talking to Tommy. Just showing his paranoia and fears consuming him, him projecting his fears into Tommy as an attempt of manipulation, and his hero complex shift into villian one

Schlatt's winning speech of him projecting it as something that was bound to happen no matter what. The amount of charisma and confidence that was in his voice as I was watching Tommy hiding underground in fear was just a perfect scene

Tommy's argument with Dream when everyone is protecting Tommy. Its the small details of Tommy taunting Dream to kill him, knowing he wont no matter what. Him telling everyone to protect Tubbo and everyone listening without hesitation.

The debate that Quackity and Dream had for like 11 or 14 minutes. All of that was completely unprompted unscripted, it was just so satisfying seeing someone stand up against Dream for the first time and actually beating him. Sure it was in a verble conflict but it still counts as a defeat

Be honest, who do you simp for? (Ayo if anyone says Tommy or Tubbo I will🗡)

Schlatt, Quackity, and Slimecicle

Its pretty obvious, I dont really try to hide it

Whats your favorite stream

Uhhhh I dont exactly have one so none I guess

Whats your least favorite streams

Im sorry, but all of the Jackbox stream. You need a specific group of people to play together in order to actually make it funny and keeping the energy throughout the entire thing.

After a bit later, everyone has a tendency of pandering to the audience and repeat jokes. They managed to beat jokes to the ground faster than Tiktok AND Twitter.

Dont get me started with DreamTeam being in there. They're funny in thier own rights but the shipping jokes get so unfunny so quick and they dont know how bounce off of others well. The only exception to this is when Quackity, Velvet, and Ant were playing with Sapnap and Dream. And thats because they decided to mess with the straight white guys into accidently saying offensive shit and seeing those two suffer with trying tiptoe around was so amusing

Whats something about the smp fandom thay makes you sad

This doesnt get me sad, just frustrated and its mostly towards dsmptok and dsmptwt but sometimes this fandom doesnt fucking know how to analyze characters. Like when everyone jumped on Tubbo on being the bad guy when he was a kid trying to use old tatics that knows that worked before and stand up for himself

How when one person decides to do something that they believe is right, everyone just throws the term villian arc around

When one person does one good thing the suddenly everyone accepts into them being good and not ever looking into it.

For fucks sakes, I saw people keep saying that Quackity was turning into Dream or Wilbur and I just sat there being confused on how they conntected those dots that were in different books.

Its so frustrating to read through. But here on dsmpblr, you guys actually understand character analysis, are able to critique them and able to love whoever you enjoy.

Another thing is how this fanbase really puts everyone on a pedestal or objectify them. Just completely forgetting that they're human and treat the streamer as a character. Like, yeah they're playing up a persona whenever they're making content but theres a difference and you shouldn't hold them up like that.

You cant use the argument of "They're young, they dont know any better", when I first entered my first fandom (I was like 11/12), I fully understood that theres a boundary between me and the creator. What they are on screen is a persona but they're still human and I should treat them as such. Its just something that bugs me and its unnerving to see whenever people start getting wierd about it

Final bit is just how the twitch chat acts. They all force the streamer to follow the 'main' plot of it being Tommy or Techno or whoever the fandom chooses to have a favorite, completely ignoring the fact that they are their own character. No one wants to meta game because where is the fun in that but the fucking chat gets so annoying when the streamer goes against fanfavorite of the week. It drains the fun of it being multiple pov's and different characters.

When Slimecicle was barely starting stream I saw so many people spam "Go with Ranboo" and not let him even get into lore first. I hated that I knew it was coming but it was still so fucking frustrating seeing them try to boss him around. Please just let people live outside of the 'main' plot, not everything revolves around your favorites. Now shut the fuck up and let them play

What about the smp fandom that makes you happy?

The people that create art, animatics, theories, playlist, or write oneshots

All of you creators are great and deserve so much more respect then what the fandom gives you because jesus fucking christ they're all so fucking rude. You guys are the ones that are carrying this fandom on your backs and I fucking respect yall for that

________________

Time for da spead: @nixavia @dambette404 and @mocha-is-lost yall dont need to join.....unless😳😳😳

#this is long as hell #sorry #ALSO THANK YOU SKETTLE FOR TAGGING ME #I THOUGHT I WAS MOSTLY AN ANNOYANCE TO YOU FOR CONSTANTLY SENDING IN SOME LONG ASS ASK #dream smp #mcyt

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galaxytale · 3 years

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mmmm…. i have new thoughts about my ex and i’s situation.

i know i have rambled on here in the past about them. often bitterly and angrily. to be honest, those words came from a place of immense hurt and betrayal. a lot of pain and a lot of complex emotions that i needed to vent out and process. and the way i did this previously was… rather embarrassing and harmful and not good for anyone. but it has been a long year, and i have had much to think about. and my brain does not like to process many of these things in a normal way. i often just use this blog as a place to barf out my thoughts at random so i can work out whats going on in my mind. this doesnt excuse it but i hope it allows for some understanding.

its been a long time since my ex and i broke up. and i just… idk didnt know how to deal properly. but i think about them a lot. obviously. what you see is mostly the negatives. the frustrations and the confusions and the residual aches and pains. mostly because these are what im trying best to understand. i want to understand them, i want to understand their perspective. it frustrates me when i cant understand, and it frustrates me more when i feel as if they couldnt understand me or didnt even try. but i still care for them greatly. which is why i get frustrated. i do not think many people understand this. i want to understand why they hurt me. i want to understand how i hurt them. i want to learn and grow. but to do that i also have to experience and process the anger and frustration i felt towards them. this is what you all see when i ramble and rant.

anyway this is the last time im doing this publicly because honestly this is a stupid way to process stuff this and i figured out something way better. also im just. tired of it. im tired of being angry and being hurt. that doesnt mean itll stop but. yall wont be seeing it.

i still hold many of my previous thoughts and criticisms of them. and i still consider many of these valid and fair. and i still deny ever doing many of the things they accused me of because ive spoken with other people about them - people actually involved in the situation(s), and they have supported and corroborated my side of the story as well as my feelings regarding those various situations.

however i have come to some realizations that i think allow me to better understand parts of their side of it all.

ive realized some things about myself and how my mind functions that have lead me to other realizations. these realizations include that i misunderstood a lot of things they were trying to get me to do, tools they were trying to get me to employ, things that actually would have been helpful to me had i understood. i see now that in some of the cases they were pushing me on and making me extremely uncomfortable with, that they were genuinely trying to be helpful because they cared. because they were trying to help me just as i was trying to help them.

the problem here is that i was not ready for, and did not understand a lot of the new things being pushed at me. much of what they were trying to get me to engage with were therapy techniques and stuff to learn to cope better. unfortunately due to a lot of previous bad experiences with therapy and such techniques i am extremely adverse to and suspicious of therapy and therapeutic settings/techniques. combined with a lot of new information about myself that i needed time to adjust to and process. a lot of it scared me and i needed them to slow down and be gentler with me in this rather than throwing me in the deep end and expecting me to swim.

i misunderstood a lot of the tools they were trying to offer me - how to use them properly and why. i thought i made this obvious that i didnt understand a lot of it and in fact didnt want to engage with a lot of it outright - even though i was willing to try. the issue is i also needed a good example or instruction of what they wanted from me and… well. they did their best, this i know they tried, but it was not enough for me to understand what they really wanted from me.

i now understand that this is likely why they grew frustrated with me. and this also factors into something that ive come to realize and understand about myself - in fact its one of the things they criticized about me most… ive come to understand the true nature of what the thing i did that they hated most was actually. and ive since worked out a solution to it that actually has been shown to be far more effective and efficient in doing what the thing they were criticizing me about most was doing. this took a lot of work and a long time for me to come to the realization of what it was that i needed to do and how it worked. and i needed to be allowed to make this discovery on my own time, at my own pace to be able to accept it as part of how i work.

unfortunately due to a lot of things, i was also quite terrible to them myself. and i recognize this. i recognized it before - i tried my best to fix my understanding of it but i did not know what i didnt know. i did not know, and did not understand, what i now know and understand. but much of my actions were because i was scared, confused, uncomfortable, and dealing with a whole lot of shit outside of our relationship. and i am genuinely and truly remorseful for what i did. i was remorseful back then, and i still am now. i did some bad things and i know this. i speak of it vaguely here because honestly while im just shouting to the void i still know this is a public blog and theres a chance people will actually read this and frankly. i consider it none of their business unless they were involved. i did lash out at them, and i did treat them unfairly.

however i still feel as if they refuse to acknowledge my point of view in much of this, as well as that they lashed out at me and have refused to acknowledge and apologize for it all. i have never heard them say the words “im sorry” for any of the things i consider the worst things they did to me. much of the time they refused to even acknowledge the fact that a lot of it hurt me despite me outright stating such. they also refused to acknowledge that i had repeatedly tried to assert my own boundaries with them and refused to accept a new boundary when it was drawn.

they did a lot of terrible things to me in return. including things that they, themself, accused me of doing to them initially. i still deny these accusations and consider myself completely innocent (at worst, should my own memory really be that faulty, i consider myself only having caused a huge misunderstanding among friends as well as having accidentally fucking up something that left out important context). i feel this way because they would not produce any evidence to prove to me my own actions that would negate the memories i myself actually have as well as the evidence in support of my side of the case that i have. all they could provide was testimony from a person who would not have had direct access to either side of the conversation that they are alleging happened a certain way. a conversation that i, personally, was half of. a conversation that i spoke with the other half about again, after showing them what i was being accused of, who also verified my recollection of the events.

i feel as if they refuse to even consider my perspective. i felt this way for a good amount of the relationship, and i still feel this way. i feel that they refused to communicate with me and ensure that both of us completely understood the other. i feel that they refused to be considerate of my needs and respectful towards me as a person after a certain point. i feel as if they refused to work to compromise with me on many situations, and i feel that they often tried to demand of me many things that were unreasonable, and that they often moved goalposts or failed to deliver on their end of the deal when i still bent over backwards to do something for them.

however. i do also feel that at some point in time, they did genuinely care for me. and i do feel like i would like to apologize for the new places where i realize i caused them undue stress and frustration.

but i also feel that they would not accept this apology for those parts that i now recognize my own hand in without me accepting and apologizing for the narrative that i know is false. additionally… i do not feel as if they would accept or apologize for any of their own parts in the situation. i still feel theyre likely to reject that they hurt me very very deeply, and badly in return.

as much as i would like to start the conversation of potentially working out the issues and reconnecting as friends… i still feel as if they would view this as an impossibility. because i feel they view me as something of a monster, and not as someone who was under immense amounts of stress and pressure and was very confused and scared for months on end.

i recognize its very likely their feelings echo my own. except for the portion about potentially being friends again… i feel as if this is a forgone conclusion to them that it will not be happening.

all this said…

i also want to say this. in hindsight they were right about the tool they gave to me for one of my specific issues. the one they gave me before the start of it all. the one i was extremely adverse to accepting and trying to adapt to. i did not understand what its actual purpose was for at the time, nor did i understand how they actually meant for me to use it. because of some recent things ive learned about myself, as well as have been able to actually accept, i now understand what they meant. and ill admit that they were right about this one. its really helpful now that i understand what i was supposed to do with it.

they were right and i was wrong. simple as. at least, in regards to this one thing.

#chrono speaks #griff talks about his ex #for the final time anyway #this is all for me tbh #just cuz its helping me to come to terms with some stuff and feel more at peace with things #i dont think theyll see it #they never looked at my blog anyway before #just ive been doing a lot of introspection and thinking and you guys only see a portion of it all and not even my real like #level headed thoughts on things

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