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taylor-on-your-dash · 1 year

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Writing of Speak Now Timeline

Disclaimer: Hello! Just a quick note before you dive in. As I said in the Writing of Red Timeline, not every album has enough information to pinpoint the exact date on which its songs were written. Sadly, Speak Now is one of those albums, so I based this timeline more on the experiences that I think inspired the songs on the album. Of course, I'm not Taylor, I'm not in her head and I don't know people in the music industry that can corroborate this research. Therefore, there's always the chance that some of the conclusions might be wrong. You are more than welcome to take the sources listed here and come up with your own theories on the condition that you'll credit me. This is 100% my research, originally posted on Reddit on March 3rd, 2023.

Trigger Warning: John Mayer.

Introduction: The making of Speak Now was very different from Fearless which was recorded live, and closer to Debut. After Taylor wrote a song, the first step was to record a stripped-down demo at Nathan Chapman's studio Pain In The Art, where Nathan would play all of the instruments and Taylor would record the vocals. To understand better what "stripped-down" means in this context, listen to Let's Go. All of Speak Now started like Let's Go. Some of the demo instruments survived, and others were re-recorded by other musicians or overdubbed at a later date, between January 2010 and July 2010. Taylor's demo vocals ALL survived. They were not re-recorded.

[Nathan Chapman Interview] “With Speak Now, we deliberately went back to our initial way of working together. We had an unlimited budget, and could have gone and recorded the whole album in the Bahamas, used any studio we liked and whatever musicians we wanted. But we decided to bring it back to the basics on purpose, because we wanted to keep it about the music and our chemistry. [We were trying not] to over-compensate for the pressure we were feeling for a follow-up to Fearless. That's why we stripped it down and made the demos first. Taylor came to my studio and I played all the instruments on the demos, and because I have a good vocal booth, her demo vocals ended up being the vocals you hear on the record. After finishing the demos, we went out to different studios, and tried different combinations of engineers and musicians to replace some of the elements of my demos, mostly the programmed drums, and to do additional overdubs. So Taylor comes in, and plays me a song, and I chart it while listening to her. I then tap out a tempo, she hands me her guitar, I go into a recording booth, put on headphones, start the click‑track and hit record. She's hearing what I'm doing and singing along while she's in the control room, so I know where I am in the song. After that, I program the drums, usually using Superior Drummer in Logic. I play the drum parts on my Roland Fantom G6 keyboard, and then quantise. I then play the fills that I want to complete the drum part. After this I'll put down a bass part, and at this point we make sure we're really OK with the tempo and that we love the arrangement. I may add an electric guitar to make the track bigger, and then she'll go into the vocal booth and she'll sing the song three or four times. We may do a little bit of comping, but she executes these songs really well, and I don't want to mess with her takes too much. The audience wants to hear someone sing with real emotion. From there we'll listen to what we have and we'll maybe add some vocal harmonies and guitars, and I do a quick mix and she's out of the door.”

WRITING OF SPEAK NOW TIMELINE

November 2, 2006: Taylor writes Sparks Fly, after opening for Jake Owen in Portland, OR, on Halloween night. The secret message in the album booklet is Portland, Oregon. She will perform the song for the first time on April 6, 2007, in her native Reading PA.

[From MySpace] Happy Halloween! I'm sitting at the airport in Portland, Oregon... About to get on a red-eye flight (Oh yes, I just said red-eye. Meaning, all night. This should be interesting...) to Toronto, Canada for another weekend of Rascal Flatts shows. Tonight was awesome. It was a show in Portland at a bar called Duke's, I opened up for Jake Owen. And a little back-story, I've had his album on repeat for the past couple of months... It's an amazing album and I literally cannot stop listening to it. I've got every line memorized, and if you see me on a plane.. Chances are, I'm listening to some song off that album, at a volume level that's probably going to cause long-term hearing damage someday. ANYWAY. I got to walk in on his sound check and meet him. Turns out he's extremely cool, and had bought my album on iTunes. :-) And since I had to leave after one song of his set, he played my favorite song "8 Second Ride" first. Which is another reason why he's awesome.

The writing date was leaked by Steve Hall from the IC on July 21, 2010. Since we didn't have the secret message yet, we didn't have any reason to believe it was written after the Jake Owen show. (thanks @backup-baby-backup!)

Original handwritten lyric sheet:

May 30, 2007: First performance of Sparks Fly in Oroville, CA. Steve Hall from the Inner Circle/Dark Blue Tennessee.com films it and posts it online.

Differences between the draft and the 2007 live version:

“You stand there in front of me” -> “you stood there in front of me”

“Get me with those brown eyes, baby” -> “get me with those green eyes, baby”

“Take your open hand and take me out” -> “reach out open-handed and lead me out”

“Dim the paper lanterns” -> “don’t need more paper lanterns”

“This night is the 31st” -> “my heart is beating fast”

“So let’s make it count now, baby” -> “I could wait patiently”

“I’ll run my fingers” -> “I run my fingers”

“And make no borderlines” -> “gonna strike this match tonight”

“Forgive me when I can’t take in everything you are” -> “and lead me up the staircase”

“You kissed me like you meant it, I swear I saw sparks” -> “I’d love to hate it, but you make it like a firework show”

There was also an additional section: We stood at the gate (and you kiss me) / With the moon on your face / And you’ll kiss me

September 2008: Taylor and Martin Johnson team up to write a diss track about Camilla Belle, called Drama Queen. This is one of the first steps in the Taylor-Joe-Camilla saga, which started with Forever & Always and Drama Queen and continued on Speak Now. There is no evidence that Drama Queen was considered for Speak Now, but for being an unreleased song, it made it as far as being mastered for the OG Fearless so it has to mean something. In my opinion, it would've taken Better Than Revenge's place, if BTR hadn't existed. Taylor talked about the Fearless mastering process on September 30th on MySpace: this song literally CANNOT be younger, since the mastering of a song is considered a legal document, necessary for copyright protection and the collection of royalties.

March 8, 2009: John Mayer tweets: "Waking up to this song idea that won't leave my head. 3 days straight now. That means it's good enough to finish. It's called Half of My Heart and I want to sing it with Taylor Swift. She would make a killer Stevie Nicks in contrast to my Tom Petty of a song."

Taylor's answer: "I freaked out when I heard [it], because I’ve been such a big fan of John for such a long time. I’m really excited about just the idea that he would even mention me in his Twitter!”

March 13, 2009: [From her Twitter] [second source] "A day off in Sydney. Drove two hours out of the city and spent the day on the beach. Wrote a chorus you'll hear on the next record. :)"

March 19, 2009: [From MySpace] ““I’m wiped out. I've been in the studio all day (I know, I know.. We JUST put out a new album. I think I have a problem, I cannot stop writing songs.) It’s so much fun knowing that you can take your time, because you have like a year and a half to make something you’re really proud of. I love recording a few songs, waiting a few months, recording a few more.. Instead of devoting a few weeks to “record the album” and then it’s just done. I like dragging it out, that way you can be meticulous about every detail. Daydream about different ways to put the songs together, and then take them apart. I’m pretty obsessed with the whole process. So needless to say, it was good to be back in the studio with my redheaded producer who I missed terribly.”

Speculation: One of the songs is possibly Mr. Perfectly Fine, since, as we know from Fearless TV, it was considered for Fearless Platinum. Maybe Haunted was also part of the same recording session. Haunted is the first Speak Now song to be copyrighted, so it has to be one of the first songs.

‘Haunted’ is about the moment that you realize the person you’re in love with is drifting and fading fast. And you don’t know what to do, but in that period of time, in that phase of love, where it’s fading out, time moves so slowly. Everything hinges on what that last text message said, and you’re realizing that he’s kind of falling out of love. That’s a really heartbreaking and tragic thing to go through, because the whole time you’re trying to tell yourself it’s not happening. I went through this, and I ended up waking up in the middle of the night writing this song about it.

The secret message is: "Still to this day".

Early April 2009: Taylor and Martin Johnson from Boys Like Girls write If This Was A Movie.

Speculation: I think it was written in April just because of the lyric "six months gone and I'm still reaching" and Taylor and Joe Jonas had broken up six months before, in October.

Literally nothing else is known about this song.

April 23, 2009: The Fearless Tour starts in Evansville, Indiana. Taylor will write most of Speak Now while on tour.

May 22, 2009: Taylor and John Mayer perform White Horse and Your Body Is A Wonderland at the LA Staples Center.

May 23, 2009: Taylor and John Mayer record Half Of My Heart.

May 29, 2009: [From MySpace] “Tomorrow, after the performance on the Today show, I’ll fly back to Nashville and record a lot of new songs I’ve written in the last few weeks.

June 8, 2009: [From Twitter] "In the studio. I don't know whose computer I'm using. Pssh.. Such a rebel right now.."

June 9, 2009: [From Twitter] "If I said I was in the studio with T-Pain, would you believe me?"

June 12, 2009: American publishes an interview with Taylor where she talks about her third album. The interview was probably done in April.

“There are definitely breakup songs on this record, but not too many. I like to balance out the amount of happy songs, breakup songs, sentimental songs, I-miss-you songs, angry songs. I don’t want to try and harp on the same emotion too much because I feel like if you make the ‘angry’ album, that’s going to lose people.”

June 16, 2009: the Jonas Brothers release their new album Lines, Vines and Trying Times, which includes a song called Much Better, that references Taylor:

I get a rep for breaking hearts / Now, I'm done with superstars / And all the tears on her guitar

This is likely the song that inspires Taylor to write Better Than Revenge, since the phrase "much better" is used multiple times in the song.

“The song "Better Than Revenge" is about a girl, who a few years ago, stole my boyfriend. I think she probably thought I forgot about it, but I didn't.”

Fun Fact: Joe Jonas changed the lyrics from "I'm done with superstars" to "I'm cool with superstars".

July 1, 2009: [From MySpace] “What else is new... Recording a bunch of new songs.”

One of them is possibly Better Than Revenge, maybe even Let's Go. Taylor seems still bitter about Joe leaving her.

July 11, 2009: Taylor writes on her diary about going to an antique shop. This is probably the inspiration for Timeless.

[Lover Journal] I just got back from a trip to Canada that was absolutely refreshing and good for the soul. I never really knew what a good thing having no cell or internet could be. But it was a great thing. I did things a little differently up there, and I actually liked it. I started reading self-help books. It’s really uplifting knowing that you can change your life today, tomorrow … just by doing a few things you never thought of. Or doing things differently than you’ve done them before. New things I adopted from a self help book: Get up early. Keep your cool. Don’t tee off on people you love. Laugh more. You can control your moods. Create a love account and make deposits, in other words, show people that you love them. Another new hobby of mine is ….. antique stores. And not just neat, organized antique stores. I really like the ones where there’s so much crap to dig through, you can find absolute treasures for nothing. I went to 2 antique stores in Saskatchewan, and one today in Winnipeg. I bought all these old glass mason jars. I’m gonna use them for candle holders. I bought old scales and watch faces and chairs and old trunks and a bird cage and 2 lamps.

July 21, 2009: [From Twitter] Hanging with my producer Nathan, discussing the next adventure. Album #3.

July 2009: Based on a Lover Journal, I think that Taylor wrote Never Grow Up in July 2009.

Handwritten Lyrics From a Lover Journal:

‘Never Grow Up’ is a song about the fact that I don’t quite know how I feel about growing up. It’s tricky. Growing up happens without you knowing it. Growing up is such a crazy concept because a lot of times when you were younger you wish you were older. I look out into a crowd every night and I see a lot of girls that are my age and going through exactly the same things as I’m going through. Every once in a while I look down and I see a little girl who is seven or eight, and I wish I could tell her all of this. There she is becoming who she is going to be and forming her thoughts and dreams and opinions. I wrote this song for those little girls.

[Nathan Chapman Interview] “The song 'Never Grow Up' is just she singing and I on acoustic guitar. We recorded ourselves live. That song probably happened in two hours.”

September 6, 2009: Taylor announces Fearless Platinum Edition on MySpace, out on October 26, 2009. It includes Jump Then Fall, which was originally written in the summer of 2008, while Taylor was dating Joe Jonas. The secret message of the song is "Last Summer Was Magical". It seems like Taylor doesn't harbor bitter feelings toward Joe anymore.

“We just put out Fearless last year? I know! We’re not putting out a whole new album. We’re re-releasing Fearless with SIX new songs added. I’m so excited for you to hear this new music, see the new pictures, and watch the 50 million hours of bonus content. I love you a lot and I’ll see you on the road!”

September 13, 2009: New York. Night of the VMA incident, where Kanye West interrupts Taylor while she's accepting the Best Music Video Award for You Belong With Me. Taylor starts writing Innocent shortly after.

Based on the themes of the song and on the fact that, according to the booklet, it was written in 2009, I think that Castles Crumbling was also inspired by the VMA incident.

[GQ] “When the crowd started booing, I thought they were booing because they also believed I didn’t deserve the award. That’s where the hurt came from. I went backstage and cried, and then I had to stop crying and perform five minutes later. I just told myself I had to perform, and I tried to convince myself that maybe this wasn’t that big of a deal. But that was the most happenstance thing to ever happen in my career.”

September 15, 2009 (morning): Taylor is still in New York doing interviews, like The View with Whoopy Goldberg. Taylor says that she bought her own condo in Nashville. Unsurprisingly, the main topic is the VMA incident.

September 15, 2009 (night): Taylor attends Owl City's show in New York. She and Adam Young (aka Owl City) had exchanged emails in the previous months. She writes Enchanted after their meeting.

[MTV Interview] “I started writing that in the hotel room when I got back, because it was just this positive, wistful feeling of ‘I hope you understand just how much I loved meeting you.’ Using the word ‘wonderstruck’ [in the lyrics] was done on purpose, because that’s a word which that person used one time in an e-mail... so I purposely wrote it in the song, so he would know.”

[Adam Young Interview] When Young met the 21-year-old music superstar backstage at one of his shows in New York, he was starstruck. "She was on her way up to meet me and that was the most nerve-racking few minutes of my life just waiting to meet Taylor Swift," he says. "When I met her she was glowing and I was too. It's hard to put into words, but I was definitely wonderstruck to meet her." Unfortunately for Young, nothing ever progressed beyond emails and one fateful meeting. "I think I'm not the most romantic and eloquent guy in the world," he admits. "She's just this endearing, wonderful girl and maybe I said something wrong. Who knows. It went on for three or four months, something like that."

Speculation: I think that the first verse of Enchanted is a reference to the View interview that Taylor did that morning.

September 26, 2009: While touring in Little Rock, Arkansas, with Kellie Pickler and Gloriana, Taylor writes a song, possibly Last Kiss.

“The song ‘Last Kiss’ is sort of like a letter to somebody. You say all of these desperate, hopeless feelings that you have after a break-up. Going through a break-up you feel all of these different things. You feel anger, and you feel confusion, and frustration. Then there is the absolute sadness. The sadness of losing this person, losing all the memories, and the hopes you had for the future. There are times when you have this moment of truth where you just admit to yourself that you miss all these things. When I was in one of those moments I wrote this song.”

[Drummer Nick Buda on the recording of Last Kiss, recorded in mid 2010 circa] On "Last Kiss," South African-born Nick Buda said there was an air of real excitement when they were recording the album. “She is awesome to work with and super-appreciative of her players. There was a real chemistry involved in this record.” Their desire to get exactly the sound they wanted extended to changing Buda’s modern drum kit to a vintage one on some choruses in order to get a different tone from some of the bombastic “teenage rock band” sound. “The songs were so well written that very rarely did they go past a third take,” he said.

The secret message is "Forever And Always".

October 17, 2009: [From Twitter] Travis: you look so out of it. Me: I'm writing a song in my head. Travis: oh, I apologize. I didn't realize you were working."

November 7, 2009: Taylor sings "Monologue Song (La La La) at the SNL, where she mentions her breakup with Joe and dating Taylor Lautner.

November 30, 2009: Taylor tweets: “If I had a dime for every time my producer and I blurt out the same thing at the same time, followed by an awkward, uncoordinated high five...”

Late November/Early December 2009: Taylor writes Ours and possibly Superman. Maybe they're the songs Taylor was talking about in the tweet.

[People Country] “I wrote [Ours] when I was about to turn 20. I was in a relationship I knew people wouldn't approve of and it was just a matter of time before everyone found out. When you're first getting to know someone, it's a fragile time, and then you add newspapers and magazine covers and it can get kind of rough. I wanted to have this song to play for him when it got difficult. Singing it for him was one of the sweetest moments I can remember. [I won't say who inspired it], to me, the song says something bigger, which is "I love you, and I don't care what anyone else thinks."”

(About Ours) “I’m excited about telling the beginnings of stories, like the story of this song called ‘Ours,’ where I wrote it about this guy nobody thought I should be with. So I wrote this song specifically just to play it for him, just to show him, ‘I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t care that you have tattoos. I don’t care that you have a gap between your teeth. I love you for who you are.’ And that song ended up actually making it on [Speak Now] and becoming a #1 song.”

That's how Taylor broke down the lyrics for People in April 2012:

“Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves” -> "I felt like I was on a tightrope. I knew that falling in love with the wrong person could freak people out."

“So don’t you worry your pretty little mind” -> "A lot of people have pretty little heads, but it's difficult to find a pretty little mind."

“People throw rocks at things that shine” -> "I kind of made up the phrase. It has a nursery rhyme feel, which I like."

“The stakes are high, the water's rough” -> "Those are the first lines that came to me."

“Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles” -> "It stereotypes girls who that pretend they're happy for your and are not."

“I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you” -> "My realization of what we were up against came out in that line. I was desperate to make it work."

“Cause I love the gap between your teeth” -> "My favorite part of the song. It's symbolic of "I love your idiosyncrasies."

“And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos” -> "My dad thinks that this line is hilarious. He loves to tease me."

[About Superman] “This is about, well, a guy, as usual. This was a guy that I was sort of enamored with. This song got its title by something that I just said randomly in conversation. When he walked out of the room, I turned to one of my friends and said, ‘It’s like watching Superman fly away.’”

Dear John's secret message is "I Loved You From The Very First Day", which is a line from Superman.

The song also includes the line "Wishing the flowers were from you", which may or may not be the same flowers mentioned in Back To December ("You gave me roses and I left them there to die").

Gossip Speculation: This makes me think that Taylor was never deeply in love with Taylor L (-> "And I realised I loved you in the fall") and she left Taylor L for John Mayer (-> "And if you'd never saved me from boredom, I would've gone on as I was")

December 6, 2009: [From MySpace] “I just got back to Nashville this morning after being in LA all week. Today I was out and about and in the studio all day...”

December 11, 2009: Taylor and John Mayer perform Half Of My Heart at the Z100 Jingle Bell Ball concert in New York. After this concert, rumors of them dating surface.

December 13, 2009: Taylor turns 20.

December 22, 2009: [From Twitter] "I was writing a song and my pen fell into the piano. Still trying to figure out if I should do anything about this."

January 11, 2010: [From Twitter] "Studio-ness with all the same boys who played on Fearless. Home-made cupcakes were brought. Awkward fist-pumps happened. Onward!"

January 13, 2010: [From MySpace] Thank you January. I have had this month off. [...] I've written songs on napkins and sat at a giant table with my whole family on my mother's birthday, all of us in one place for the first time in too long. I've gotten to take what has happened to me and process it to my full capability, and celebrate it the way it deserved to be celebrated. I've made new music. I've gone over the memories and jumped up and down with my producer and floated around with nothing on my schedule other than just appreciating what my life has somehow turned into. So thank you for giving me so much to be thankful for this January. Thank you beyond what I know how to say.

[From Twitter] "More recording. So excited. So excited. So excited. See, I said that three times. Once for every album we've made in this studio."

[Music News.com Interview] “The weirdest place I have ever written a song is probably in an airport, and I got an idea so fast that I had to run to the bathroom at the airport, grab a paper towel and write lyrics on the paper towel. I still have it. I still have it in a box in my room.”

“Getting back in the studio with the same guys I trust and know and love.. (right, the pointing one: my producer Nathan Chapman) (Left, the waving one: Bass extraorinaire, Tim Marks. Clearly marked on his road case.) Nick Buddha is in charge of the drums.”

January 2010: It's possible that one of the songs recorded during the January session was Speak Now.

[MTV Interview] "One of my friends... the guy she had been in love with since childhood was marrying this other girl," she said. "And my first inclination was to say, 'Well, are you gonna speak now?' And then I started thinking about what I would do if I was still in love with someone who was marrying someone who they shouldn't be marrying. And so I wrote this song about exactly what my game plan would be."

“This song was inspired by one of my friends who was telling me about her childhood sweetheart, crush guy. They were kind of together in high school and went their separate ways, and it was kind of understood that they were gonna get back together. Then, she one day comes in and tells me he’s getting married. He had met this girl who was just this mean person who made him completely stop talking to all of his friends, cut off his family, had him like so completely isolated. And I just, kind of randomly, was like, ‘So, you gonna speak now?’ She was like, ‘What do you mean?’ And I was like ‘Oh, you know, like storm the church, speak now or forever hold your peace? I’ll go with you. I’ll play guitar. It would be great.’ She was just kind of laughing, and later on I just was wrapping my mind around that idea of how tragic it would be if someone you loved was marrying somebody else. Later I had a dream about one of my ex-boyfriends getting married, and it just all came together that I needed to write this song about interrupting a wedding.”

The secret message for Speak Now is “You always regret what you don’t say.”

In January 2010, things are starting to get serious. Taylor, Nathan and the rest of the group, are at the Starstruck Recording Studio to finish up some songs.

Mid January 2010: In a Rolling Stone interview, Taylor confirms she has already recorded some songs.

“‘I’ll be moving out, living on my own, experiencing relationships,’ she says. ‘All of that will be documented in sort of a photo-album-slash-diary, which will be this next record.’ I’ve written so much for this next record and recorded a bunch of songs already, but I don’t want to give away any of the titles – it’s still too early in the process. I don’t really write for albums as much as I just write for my life and process what I feel, whether that feeling is resentment or hope or happiness or a crush — writing songs helps me get through those moments.”

January 31, 2010: Taylor wins her first AOTY for Fearless at the 52nd Grammy Awards.

February 1, 2010: Bob Lefsetz posts his particularly negative review of her performance with Stevie Nicks at the Grammy's. Mean was likely written shortly after.

“When you do what I do, which is you put yourself out there for a lot of people to say whatever they want about it, there are a million different opinions from a million different people. I get it that not everyone is going to like everything that you do, and I get that no matter what, you’re going to be criticized for something. But I also get that there are different kinds of ways to criticize someone. There is constructive criticism. There’s professional criticism. And then, there’s just being mean. There’s a line that you cross when you just start to attack everything about a person, and there’s one guy who just crossed the line over and over again. Just being mean, and saying things that would ruin my day. […] There’s always going to be someone who’s just mean to you. Dealing with that is all you can control about that situation, how you handle it. ‘Mean’ is about how I handle it, and sort of my mindset about this whole situation.”

"There's a song called 'Mean,' that I guess you could categorize it into feelings and or relationships but it's actually about a critic."

In a later interview with 60 Minutes, Swift revealed that the critic was someone who attacked her performance with Stevie Nicks at the 52nd Grammy Awards, where she sang off-key.

February 3, 2010: Taylor writes Mean.

[InDemand] "There's a song on the record called Mean. I remember I started writing it sitting on my kitchen counter, just playing it. Then I took a plane and flew to the venue where we were gonna play that night, and finishing it in the dressing room.

I'm inferring the date but Taylor went to Australia on February 4th, so that's the closest date to the Bob Lefsetz's post. Alternatively, the other closest date is February 17th.

February 4, 2010: John Mayer is interviewed for Rolling Stone, and a friend of his says: "Nothing is what it seems. He operates in layers of meaning, where a poop joke is so much more than a poop joke. And he’d be a phenomenal chess player, because he knows all the moves so many steps ahead. That’s just how he operates.” (-> "And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules every day.")

February 5, 2010: Josh Farro from Paramore announces his engagement. Since he specifies that some people already knew about it, it is safe to assume that Hailey Williams, his ex-girlfriend and bandmate, knew before this date about it. Taylor's interviews imply that they were talking about the engagement, not the wedding.

I've got some news to share with you guys so here it goes... As some of you already know, I am engaged! So, as weird as it is to stay behind, I need to take some time off to plan the wedding and everything.

February 11, 2010: Taylor Lautner's birthday. Taylor doesn't call him, as she confessed in Back To December.

February 13, 2010: Based on a Lover Journal entry from this day, it seems like Taylor and John were no longer dating. Dear John must've been written around this period.

[Lover Journal, Flight from Adelaide to Nashville]: “My horoscope said today someone new is going to come into the picture and change my life in an exciting way. PLUS, its the 13th so it has to be true. Right? Right Well, I don't see it happening in the form of meeting someone. Maybe I'll get an email or a call. From someone fantastic and life changing. Or maybe I won't. That's more likely. I've been obsessing over the new album. I always do that until it's just right. I don't know if I have the formula just right for this one yet. I know there are great songs. I just need to figure out the strands that bond them together into a great album. And I will obsess until it's there. This album, any album, is the next 2 years of my life. It has to be more than amazing. It has to be great enough to keep MY attention for 2 years.”

“The song ‘Dear John’ is sort of like the last email you would ever send to someone that you used to be in a relationship with. Usually people write this venting last email to someone and they say everything that they want to say to that person, and then they usually don’t send it. I guess by putting this song on the album I am pushing send.”

February 22, 2010: [From MySpace] “I’ve been writing lots of songs.”

March 10, 2010: Taylor writes Mine.

[InDemand] "I wrote Mine somewhere on the road, I think in Texas, actually."

According to three different Reddit sources, Taylor was dating a non famous guy from Belmont University. The coffee shop referenced in Mine is a coffee shop in Austin, TX, by the water called Mozart's.

“This is a situation where a guy that I just barely knew put his arm around me by the water, and I saw the entire relationship flash before my eyes, almost like a weird science-fiction movie. After I wrote the song, things sort of fell apart, as things so often do. And I hadn’t talked to him in a couple months. And the song came out, and that day, I got an e-mail from him. And I was like, ‘Yes!’ Because that one was sort of half-confession and half-prediction or projection of what I saw.”

“Lately I’ve had this bad habit of running away from love. Kind of getting to the place where it’s about to commit, and then you just, like, run in the opposite direction. ‘Mine’ is about the idea that I could find someone who would be the exception to that, someone who would be so sturdy and so much of a sure thing that I wouldn’t run from it. Sometimes I look back on a lot of examples that I’ve seen of love, long term, and a lot of times it doesn’t work out. There are goodbyes and people get really hurt, so I tend to be a little ‘run-awayish.’ But I’m never past hoping that at some point that could change. This song is the first single because it has this… There was this moment between Nathan [Chapman] and I, my producer, when I brought this song in and when we made this demo in one day in his basement and we just kinda looked at each other and we were like, ‘This is it. This is the one.’”

[Nathan Chapman interview] “The demo for 'Mine' took less than five hours to record, and sounded almost identical to the record. After that we worked on the track for another four months, off and on [until July], and spent $30,000 to make sure it sounded perfect in the real world.”

[Scott Borchetta Billboard Interview] "Mine" was a turning point in the album’s development. Swift and Chapman had begun recording new songs almost as soon as "Fearless" was released. The two cut demos in his basement studio and would only take those songs to larger facilities once they felt they had an emotional foundation in the basic tracks. Still, it wasn’t until early 2010 when the album truly began to coalesce. Swift presented "Mine" to Borchetta in his office, just a few doors down the hall from the leather couch in the lobby.

"We probably played that song four or five times," Borchetta recalls. "I’m jumping around playing air guitar, she’s singing the song back to me, and it was just one of those crazy, fun, Taylor teen-age moments." And then it got serious. "I said, ‘Keep going,’ " Borchetta says. "She kind of looked at me like, ‘You’re challenging me.’ And I said, ‘Yeah. You’ve found true north here. Keep going.’"

Taylor will talk about being challenged by Borchetta to write more for Speak Now during the Red Era:

“During Speak Now, when I went to (label head) Scott Borchetta and said, 'The album's finished,' he said, 'No, it's not -- you need to keep writing.'”

Early March 2010: According to Scott Borchetta, shortly after he challenged Taylor to write more, she finishes writing Innocent, which she had started 6 months prior.

"Innocent," written after the VMA incident with Kanye West, for example, didn't come to Swift quickly. "Some songs take 30 minutes to write, and some take six months, which was the case with 'Innocent.'

“It took a while to write that song," Swift says. "That was a huge, intense thing in my life that resonated for a long time. It was brought up to me in grocery stores and everywhere I went, and in a lot of times in my life, when I don’t know how I feel about something, I say nothing. And that’s what I did until I could come to the conclusion that I came to in order to write ‘Innocent,’ " she says. "Even then, I didn’t talk about it, and I still don’t really talk about it. I just thought it was very important for me to sing about it.”

March 24, 2010: Taylor has lunch with Taylor Lautner. This meeting is likely what inspires Back To December. (thanks to @backup-baby-backup for locating the article)

[Interview Clip] Transcript: “‘Back To December’ is a song that addresses a first for me, in that I’ve never apologized to someone in a song before. This is about a person who was incredible to me- just perfect in a relationship, and I was really careless with him. So, this is a song full of words that I would say to him that he deserves to hear.”

[CBS Interview] She explained in the interview that she based the song on a conversation she had with the guy about whom she's singing. "It's not loosely based," she revealed. "It's almost word-for-word. It is a song and a conversation that needed to happen, because I don't want to hurt people. If you unintentionally do so, you've got to make that better."

April 3, 2010: Paramore's member Josh Farro marries Jenna Rice. Taylor attends the ceremony. She also goes to the studio in the morning.

[From Twitter] "Nathan you smell really good! Is that a new cologne?" "Thanks! Actually it's a two in one shampoo and soap. From Dial." My producer rules."

April 13, 2010: Taylor comes up with the title "Speak Now" after Scott Borchetta rejects "Enchanted". She also writes in her journal about getting tired of songs.

[From a Lover Journal] “So I've been obsessing over the new records to the point where it's all I can focus on. I'm majorly stressed and borderline losing it, with all these lists and chronic dissatisfaction. Perfectionist-ness. I keep growing tired of songs because I know I've raised the bar and I can beat half of the songs. Scott and I had lunch the other day. We were talking about the record and I had this epiphany. I didn't talk about it in interviews about how I felt about much of what has happened in the last 2 years. I've been silent about so much that I'm saying on this album. It's time to Speak Now. Scott freaked out. He loved it. We have a title, ladies and gentlemen!”

[Scott Borchetta Interview] “At one point, the record was not called ‘Speak Now.’ It was called ‘Enchanted,'” Big Machine president/CEO Scott Borchetta said. “We were at lunch, and she had played me a bunch of the new songs. I looked at her and I‘m like, ‘Taylor, this record isn’t about fairy tales and high school anymore. That’s not where you’re at. I don’t think the record should be called ‘Enchanted.'” Swift excused herself from the table at that point. By the time she came back, she had the “Speak Now” title, which comes closer to representing the evolution that the album represents in her career and in her still-young understanding of the world.

June 5, 2010: End of the Fearless Tour. Around this week, Taylor writes Long Live, scrabbling the chorus in her journal.

“This song is about my band, and my producer, and all the people who have helped us build this brick by brick. The fans, the people who I feel that we are all in this together, this song talks about the triumphant moments that we’ve had in the last two years. We’ve had times where we just jump up and down, and dance like we don’t care how we’re dancing, and just scream at the top of our lungs, “How is this happening?” And, I feel very lucky to even have had one of those moments, nonetheless all the ones that I got to have. ‘Long Live’ is about how I feel reflecting on it. This song for me is like looking at a photo album of all the award shows, and all the stadium shows, and all the hands in the air in the crowd. It’s sort of the first love song that I’ve written to my team.”

“"Long Live," (in parentheses "We Will Be Remembered"), is the first song where I've ever had parentheses in the title. Besides that, though, this song is about my band, and my producer, and all the people who have helped us build this brick by brick. The fans, the people who I feel that we are all in this together, this song talks about the triumphant moments that we've had in the last two years. We've had times where we just jump up and down, and dance like we don't care how we're dancing, and just scream at the top of our lungs, "How is this happening?" And, I feel very lucky to even have had one of those moments, nonetheless all the ones that I got to have. "Long Live" is about how I feel reflecting on it. This song for me is like looking at a photo album of all the award shows, and all the stadium shows, and all the hands in the air in the crowd. It's sort of the first love song that I've written to my team.”

June 9, 2010: Night of the CMT Music Awards, held in Nashville. 'CMT Music Awards' is the secret message of The Story Of Us.

“‘The Story of Us’ is about running into someone I had been in a relationship with at an awards show, and we were seated a few seats away from each other. I just wanted to say to him, ‘Is this killing you? Because it’s killing me.’ But I didn’t. But I couldn’t. Because we both had these silent shields up. I went home and I sat there at the kitchen table and I said to my mom, ‘I felt like I was standing alone in a crowded room.’ Then I got up and ran into my bedroom, as she’s seen me do many times. And she probably assumed I had come up with a line in the song.”

“'The Story of Us' is a song that I wrote about an awkward situation where, well… Let me just preface by saying that I have happened to run into exes in strange places lately. This is about one of those situations where the strange place that I ran into him was an awards show. I was seated a couple of seats away from him and there was so much that needed to be said, and neither one of us was willing to say it. We were both acting like we were engaged in conversations with people that we don't even know. It was just miserable. I was telling my Mom about it later, and I said I felt like I was standing alone in a crowded room. And then I was like, "Gotta go. Bye!" And my Mom is used to that at this point so, that's what this song is about.”

June 13, 2010: Taylor premiers Mine during the 13-hour Meet & Greet at the CMA Music Festival. Fans ask a lot of questions about Sparks Fly.

“'Sparks Fly' is a song I wrote a few years ago and played in concert. You guys have learned it and I think like it, which makes me really happy. When we did the 13-hour Meet and Greet at the CMA Fest, there was a comment I got over and over again. You guys were saying, 'So what about 'Sparks Fly?' Is it going to be on the next record? [...] I played that song at maybe one or two shows, and you guys just jumped on it and really made it something that I had to put on the album because you really showed interest in it.”

Comparison between the 2007 live version and the final one:

First verse: You say my name for the first time, baby, and I fall in love in an empty bar -> You’re the kind of reckless that should send me runnin’, but I kinda know that I won’t get far.

Second verse: So reach out open-handed and lead me out to that floor / I don’t need more paper lanterns / Take me down, baby / Bring on the movie score / ‘Cause my heart is beating fast and you are beautiful / And I could wait patiently, but I really wish you would... -> My mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea / You touch me once and it’s really somethin’ / You find I’m even better than you imagined I would be / I’m on my guard for the rest of the world / But with you, I know it’s no good / And I could wait patiently, but I really wish you would…

Bridge: Just keep your beautiful eyes on me / Gonna strike this match tonight / And lead me up the staircase / Won't you whisper soft and slow / I’d love to hate it, but you make it like a firework show -> Just keep on keepin’ your eyes on me, it’s just wrong enough to make it feel right / And lead me up the staircase / Won't you whisper soft and slow / I'm captivated by you, baby I’m captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show.

Speculation: I think that the line "I'm on my guard from the rest of the world" from Sparks Fly being written after "And you figure out why I'm guarded" from Mine is very telling of what Taylor was going through.

June 16, 2010: [From a Lover Journal] After the CMT Music Awards, Taylor works on The Story Of Us for a few days, before finishing it on June 16th, on her way to Nathan Chapman's studio.

[MTV Interview] “I was at an awards show, and there was a guy there, obviously — it all starts there, doesn’t it? It was a guy I had been in a relationship with, falling out, then we end up at the same awards show, both trying to act like we don’t care, both like, you know, chatting up the people next to us. Afterward, I just felt so empty, like we were both fighting this silent war of pretending we didn’t care that the other was there. And I went home, and I wrote this song about it. And at that point, I had this gut feeling, and I knew the album was finished.”

[Lover Journal Page Transcript] “So I've been a little studio rat since the tour ended [...] I wake up to my cell phone alarm around 9:30 each morning, throw on a sundress, skip makeup, tie my hair in a messy side-braid, and head out the door with no shoes on. Because the only walking outside I'll be doing is from my house to my car, then from my car three steps to Nathan's basement studio. I worked on a song for a few days, then basically finished it in the car on the way to Nathan's this morning. It. Is. So. Good. And I can safely say I am DONE writing this record!! This song is up-tempo, and hooky and sort a torn sounding... like this horrible stressed confusion that comes on when you know the person you're pining away for is in the room. There are these invisible walls keeping things from being okay. So you're not fine. And they're not fine. And I'm happy I wrote that song!! :)”

Video: Making of The Story Of Us Demo

It will be the last song she writes before having a writer's block that will end 6 months later with All Too Well.

[USA Today Interview] [All Too Well] came after a six-month writing drought that followed a particularly toxic relationship. "There's a kind of bad that gets so overpowering you can't even write about it," she says of that time. "When you feel pain that is so far past dysfunctional, that leaves you with so many emotions that you can't filter them down to simple emotions to write about, that's when you know you really need to get out."

June 18, 2010: John Mayer presents Taylor with the Hal David Starlight Award, at the 41st Songwriters Hall of Fame Awards.

John's speech: “You could put her in a time machine in any era and she would have a hit record. Don't confuse everybody loving one thing as hype. Sometimes that's everyone agreeing that it's fabulous.”

From now on, Taylor will only focus on the production of Speak Now, tweaking the songs and overdubbing the instruments.

June 30, 2010: Taylor tweets about Amos Heller recording the bass on Mine at the Blackbird Studio. Clips from this day are also released.

July 8, 2010: Taylor is spotted in Maine, while filming the music video of Mine. The final mix of the song is not ready yet.

[Source] Taylor Swift was in Kennebunk today, July 8, shooting part of a new music video at Christ Church on Dane Street. The Rev. Janet Leighninger, pastor of Christ Church said they had been contacted a while ago by a company that scouts film locations and happened to check the church out one Sunday. “Then they called about a week ago and said could they possibly film here,” she said. Leighninger said she was told it would be a country artist shooting a music video, but not who the artist was. “We wanted to make sure it was appropriate,” she said. On the morning of the shoot, Leighninger discovered the artist was Swift.

[People who were there] "It was a blast to watch! Both Taylor and the guy in her video seemed to be having tons of fun and at one point where he proposes and they kissed he looked up at the camera crew and said 'She said no by the way.' The scene lasted about 30 minutes and then they started filming in the house again."

[Mixer Justin Niebank Interview] "Interestingly enough, I'd done some kind of pre‑mix of 'Mine' for a video thing, with the original drums and bass, and Nathan and Taylor were like: 'This is cool, but we want to go a little bit more for a power approach.' So by the time it got to the final mix they had rerecorded the bass and the drums and it sounded great.

The rough version of the final mix is called "Mine JN Master Mix", where JN stands for Justin Niebank. You can also see "SF" which stands for Shannon Forest, the drummer. The old stems played by Nathan are also visible.

To sum up all of the known Mine demos:

First demo: Recorded in March 2010; all instruments played by Nathan Chapman; Mixed by Nathan.

Second demo: Mixed in June 2010, made for the Music Video; all instruments still played by Nathan Chapman; Mixed by Justin Niebank.

Third demo: Called "JN Master Mix": Mixed on July 21, 2010, bass played by Amos Heller, drums played by Shannon Forest, mixed by Justin Niebank, mix ready or almost ready to be mastered.

July 15, 2010: Taylor and Toby Hemingway are spotted shopping in West Hollywood. This is also the day when the orchestra strings for Back To December and Haunted are recorded, arranged by Paul Buckmaster. Taylor's interview in the studio here.

“I wanted the music and the orchestration [for Haunted] to reflect the intensity of the emotion the song is about, so we recorded strings with Paul Buckmaster at Capitol Studios in Los Angeles. It was an amazing experience – recording this entire big, live string section that I think in the end really captured the intense, chaotic feeling of confusion I was looking for.”

Late July 2010: In the meantime, Justin Niebank completes the definitive mixes. Mine is completed on July 21st specifically.

[Nathan Chapman] For Speak Now we had to mix 17 songs in three weeks, and I knew that I would want to go back to tweak some of the songs we had mixed earlier, and I did not want to have to recall the mixing board every time. There just wasn't time for that.

July 2010: Taylor moves out to her own condo in Nashville.

“This summer I've been 99 percent focused on my new record and one percent focused on the fact that I actually just moved into my first place. I'm officially moved in! I'm so excited! As you know, I've been constantly talking about how I've been antique shopping and non-stop planning and construction on this place. It's been really awesome to figure out what it's like to be on your own, just cooking and stuff. I'm having such a blast with it.”

The Never Grow Up secret message is: "I moved out in July".

July 2010: Shooting of the Speak Now Photoshoot with her band, The Agency.

August 4, 2010: Mine is released. It was supposed to be released on August 15th, but since it had leaked its release was anticipated.

August 31, 2010: The Mine Music Video is released. Taylor has a get-together at her home in Nashville with the kids in the video and their families.

Taylor broke down the music video in 2012 in this very funny interview for Vevo Certified;

Behind The Scenes Footage: PART 1, PART 2, PART 3 from the Speak Now Deluxe Edition/Target. This is very unhinged.

[Director Roman White comment] Creating this piece was beyond fun, and I’ve honestly never had a better time on a shoot. Was it crazy hot? Yes. Were there tons of bugs? Yes. Was all of this offset by the insanely gorgeous scenery? 100% YES! We shot the entire piece near Portland, Maine and much lobster was eaten! My AMAZING producer, Tameron Hedge, actually got accosted by a HUGE seagull who took off with her lobster roll (that’s how good they were). Other than that one little incident, Maine was absolute perfection. On the first day, we shot on a private estate with more than 2,000 acres and a private beach, rounding out the second day in a small harbor town. There was a lot going on, and I had a BLAST with the entire gang!

September 12, 2010: Taylor premiers Innocent at the VMAs, a year after the Kanye incident.

“You have to try really hard to regulate what you feel, what you let in, and what you don’t… but then when it comes to making an album, if you make everything general and kind of gloss over your actual, raw feelings, that doesn’t benefit anyone. As far as what to feel and what level to feel it, I can’t really control any of that. It’s just how things hit you, and what you let in is definitely something you’ve got to find a balance for.”

“I think a lot of people expected me to write a song about him. But for me it was important to write a song to him.”

October 25, 2010: Speak Now is finally released.

“There is also the fact that the album is called 'Speak Now,' and that pertains to the album as a concept and as an entire theme of the record, more than I can even tell you," she says. "I've been working on it for two years. Ever since we put out 'Fearless,' I've been writing for this record and conceptualizing it and putting it together in my head, what I wanted it to be. I like to take a lot of time between albums to work up the next one and see what it is. We did the same thing with 'Fearless.' We put two years in between it [and her self-titled debut album] and that gives enough time for me [to] write everything that I live. You have got to give yourself time to live a lot of things, so you can write a lot of things.”

“I wrote all the songs myself for this record. It didn't really happen on purpose. It just sort of happened that way. I'd get my best ideas at 3:00 AM in Arkansas, and didn't have a co-writer around and I'd just finish it. And that would happen again in New York; that would happen again in Boston; that would happen again in Nashville. The songs that made the cut for the albums are the ones that I wrote by myself so – wish me luck!”

“In life you have a lot of situations that pop up and people that come into your life, and sometimes you don’t get to tell them what you wish you would have told them,” Swift said. “This album is my opportunity to do that track-by-track. Each song is a different confession to a different person.”

“Some of the things I wrote about are things everyone saw me go through,” she added. “Some of the things I wrote about are things nobody ever knew about. I’m beyond excited for you to hear these stories and confessions.”

Bonus: The Vault

“My favorite thing to do is make a list of what the album can be, even when I'm in the beginning stages of writing the album and I've got three songs on the list. I still make a list of what the track listing would be like. Which [song] is track one, two or three. And then you keep writing more songs and writing more songs and all of a sudden you've got a list of 25 songs. What I would do is keep bumping off songs that I felt I had overwritten. As you keep writing more songs, your list gets better and better and better. And I did that so many times I can't even count!”

The Vault Titles:

Castles Crumbling

Someone Just Told Me

His Lies

Wonderful Things

I Can See You

Let's Go

Foolish One

Timeless

Bother Me

Electric Touch

When Emma Falls In Love

All of them are self-written.

This post will be edited once we will have additional info on the songs, especially the Vault Songs. Thank you for reading!

#taylor swift #speak now #writing of speak now timeline #speak now taylor's version #taylurking #speak now vault #vault songs #speak now tv #taylor swift timelines

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triskhellion · 11 months

Text

Thunder

Rated: Explicit (12K)

Relationship: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski

Characters: Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski, minor OCs

Tags: POV Derek, Alpha Derek, Werefox/Thunder Kitsune Stiles, Post-Nogitsune, Angst & Fluff & Smut, Alternate Universe, Past Derek/Kate, Hale Fire, Violence, Some canon events but often with different timelines, outcomes or other details, Full Shifts, Derek is from NY, Stiles Leave Beacon Hills, Stiles Has a Fake Name, Depression, Getting Together, Self-Lubrication, Rough Sex, Knotting, Biting, Claiming, Cuddling, Various Sex Acts, Mates Derek/Stiles, Angst with a Happy Ending, Music

Summary: The one in rural Montana where two strangers — a depressed, lonely Alpha Derek and a haunted post-Nogitsune Werefox/Thunder Kitsune Stiles — leave everything behind and end up finding each other.

Soundtrack. (Every section has lines from 2 songs. A reverse songfic? The story mostly came first and the music chosen to fit it, lol. I recommend at least listening to track #1, "Roscoe." 😉)

Mead Moons prompts: Claiming, Full Moon, Hay, Hot & Thunder. @sterek-and-stuff-events

Sterek Weekly prompt: Attract (also Midnight & Clothes.)

Shadow thrown from light unknown, calling on the hearts. To challenge the alive and summon the asleep.

Oh, they’re a little like you, they’re a little like me.

The first time he laid eyes on the fox it was an afternoon towards the end of May and Derek knew nothing other than that the hardware store, Rock Creek Lumber, had a new stock boy. One that he’d never seen around before.

Not that he spent a whole lot of time around other folks, but he’d been here long enough, getting on 5 years now, to recognize the locals. Derek didn’t notice him in a back corner at first, was too busy mumbling to himself while looking for the right screws for the section of fence he needed to fix, but then he turned around and they locked eyes. There was an intense and puzzled expression on the kid’s face.

Although “kid” didn’t seen quite right. He was young — probably two or three years out of high school, maybe four — but there were dark circles under his whiskey brown eyes that made him seem older. Haunted. Knowing. Derek could see wiry muscle layered over his slender frame under the snug black company T-shirt.

He wasn’t gaunt, but much of the softness he’d once possessed had clearly been stripped away. There was a sharpness to him. High cheekbones and almost a point at the tips of his ears. The angles of his posture; a tilt to his head and hips and the jutting elbows leading to long fingers tightly clasped against his chest. In his clever eyes.

Both of them seemed to realize they’d been staring at the same time, Derek saying “Uh, howdy” and the stock boy straightening up and asking if he needed help finding anything.

“Looking for a screw,” he said, after tearing his eyes away and scanning the aisle again. He was already groaning internally when the words were halfway out of his mouth and the new guy — Sean his name tag proclaimed at another glance — snorted before asking what kind while trying to keep a straight face.

Once the damn things had finally been located Derek moved on to the other couple-three things he needed this time. He caught Sean watching him a few times more and sighed, frowning with concern. There was nothing wrong with being attracted to men — so was he — but it could be dangerous to be so obvious about it out here.

He didn’t look back after Leann rang him up and he headed for the door, but he felt the prickle of eyes upon him, an itch between his shoulder blades, and he wanted to. Later that evening the thunder began.

Who would want to hear about the wanderings of my mind? This wasn’t supposed to be my life.

We’re not all the same in this town.

When his family, his pack, had moved from upstate New York to what he’d once thought a “small town” of 30,000 called Beacon Hills Derek had stayed behind, already into his sophomore year at college and living in his own apartment. A space-craving middle child with his own life. Some great aunt that no one knew about had passed away and left his mother a large plot of land with a slowly deteriorating, but surprisingly functional house that they’d set to fixing up.

He’d been surprised when Peter had gone too, his uncle always reveling in the cosmopolitan, but apparently the territory was special. Something about a big old magic tree. Derek’s eyes would glaze over once he got going.

Yeah, it turned out the place was “special” all right. Whatever woke up again after Great Aunt Hilda died started calling all manner of supernaturals, often of an unfriendly sort. That in itself likely would’ve been manageable until they figured out how to shut the damn beacon (har de har) off again, but with “animal attacks” and “mysterious deaths” on the rise so came Hunters.

Derek visited the new Hale House on a handful of occasions, the last and longest time a few weeks the summer before his senior year of college. He’d been out at a bar, still thrilled at being old enough to enter one despite alcohol doing nothing to intoxicate him, when this pretty dirty blonde with a wicked grin came up to him. There was something unsettling about her, a harshness to some product she wore, but the older woman was all confidence and laughter and playful aggression and he was captivated and full of hormones, so they stumbled off attached at the face and took a rideshare to some sketchy motel.

They hooked up three, maybe four times while he was there, Derek always taking care to shower with a scent neutralizer after because he didn’t want any shit from his family. And then he was heading back to New York, texting “Kay” or “K” or however she spelled it goodbye and setting his mind to the next few weeks of end-of-summer parties and the classes that were to start on their heels.

A couple evenings later he was watching some new sitcom when he felt first his father and then his mother die in the span of what was probably a few minutes, but seemed much longer. He booked a flight as soon as he could, finally getting a hold of Laura before leaving for the airport early the next morning. She told him they’d been attacked, the house circled in mountain ash and set ablaze as she was on her way home.

Cora was okay, had been on the other side of where twin fires started and trapped their parents in between. She’d managed to escape out a window when a piece of debris or something must’ve disrupted the ash line. Peter though she’d found severely injured. Burned and pretty much unrecognizable, though still alive.

That same afternoon during his layover in Seattle he felt her die too and ran to the bathroom retching and trying to hide his flashing eyes. It couldn’t be. Not his sister too. Not Laura. What the fuck was going on?!

His wolf wanted to howl for the death of his closest packmate, the loss of two Alphas in two days, but he couldn’t. Not there in the airport. He couldn’t cry then for Laura and his parents either knowing that if he started he wouldn’t stop. Would fall apart.

Derek forced himself to calm down enough, outwardly at least, to get on the second, mercifully short flight an hour later. Caught up in traffic he didn’t make it to Beacon Hills until after 7:00pm, driving the rental straight to the address that Laura — oh God, Laura — had given him. There he found his reportedly horrifically burned uncle looking very much like himself with the exception of some scars on the side of his neck and red eyes.

Maybe if the first words he’d said to Derek had been “I’m so sorry” or “I didn’t mean to” things might’ve gone differently. Whether he didn’t because that would’ve been a lie — intentionally killing Laura while she was no doubt trying to care for him — or because he didn’t think he needed to apologize if he’d been truly out of his mind, Derek would never know.

Because when Peter opened his mouth all that came out was a bunch of hand-waving about the “unfortunate situation,” a promise that things would be okay (things would never be “okay” again,) and how they were still family — only three of them left now — and had to stick together. Derek too, even though he had consorted with a Hunter, but not to worry, he had wasted no time taking care of the ones involved.

The shock of the last statement had been enough to snap him out of his overt, incandescent rage and Peter continued with how he’d recognized the scent of one of the lackeys and got him to spill on the others. After getting rid of Unger he took out the Argent Hunters — Kate — and her father, and then finally Reddick.

Slowly, Derek approached him, the elder wolf likely assuming he’d been overcome by guilt or deep in a daze (both of which weren’t far behind) and expecting a show of submission to accept him as Alpha. Perhaps that he’d been seeking comfort or forgiveness. A hug.

He was starting to say something about expanding the pack when Derek tore out his throat.

Roaring. Ringing. Static.

Afterward, when he came back to himself, he tried to find Cora, but she’d fled when Laura died. Her phone was likely in the smoldering ruins of the house and his own forgotten in NY, possibly in the cab. He did run into Christopher Argent, an incredibly tense encounter that consisted of tersely exchanged information and twitching claws and trigger fingers.

Apparently, the Hunter hadn’t been aware of his sister’s plan, which his father had approved. Both were indeed dead. Peter was dead too because he killed Laura. No, Derek wasn’t staying. It brought some measure of relief to learn that based on a discovered journal the scheming had begun before his visit, that the attack wasn’t because of him somehow, but the guilt and shame, the disgust and self-hatred for having slept with someone so evil remained.

Then he realized that that harsh scent clinging heavily to the human now in front of him, a scent he’d picked up slightly from her, must’ve been wolfsbane. Derek fell to his knees, thankfully not getting shot when the Hunter flinched, as guilt slammed back into him. He’d never actually encountered it before, the Hunters in New York having enough to deal with to bother supernaturals who weren’t causing harm, but he couldn’t stop wondering “what if?”

What if he’d taken an interest in tagging along to the formal meetings with other packs and Hunter representatives with Laura and his mother? What if he hadn’t showered so thoroughly and someone brought it to his attention? It probably wouldn’t have changed anything other than him never leaving with her or him fucking her fewer times, but now he’d always wonder about the off chance that they might’ve been more alert. What if, what if, what if.

Cora, who he finally got in contact with after returning to NY, had much of the same feelings toward him herself once he haltingly explained what he’d found out. She was angry at everyone and everything, refusing to come back to him and eventually ending up in South America and joining a pack down there. They talked once, maybe twice a year. Confirmed the other was still alive and had some painful or awkward conversation (usually both) where she’d inevitably refer to Kate as his “psycho ex-girlfriend” and he’d want to shout that they were never dating, but didn’t. And that was that for the Hales.

It’s such a long swim and now there is no sight of land.

So I’ve come here to wait for the end of it all.

As was pretty much always the case when he had a new project, Derek had to go back to the hardware store in between his regular visits to town every week or so for something he’d forgotten or only realized he needed after he'd started. And so two days later there he was again, being helped by Mike, the clean-shaven 50-something owner, but watched not so surreptitiously by Sean. Until the young man knocked into a display trying to keep him in view as he moved to go down another aisle, that is.

Derek's lips curled ever so slightly upward as he pretended not to notice the scrambling to pick up or straighten the disarrayed products going on behind him. He could see Mike shaking his head in his peripheral vision, muttering under his breath about how maybe he should start drug testing. It took everything in him to keep from reacting to something he shouldn’t be able to hear. Poor Sean. People looking he was used to, but he’d never made a person run into something before as far as he knew. It was flattering.

This time when he felt that keen gaze upon his back as he left he turned his head while stepping through the door, finding Sean absentmindedly holding a wrench with his lips gently parted. He nodded, causing the short-haired brunet to hastily duck his head like the length of metal had suddenly called his name. Derek swallowed thickly as he walked across the parking lot thinking of those cupid's bow lips.

It wasn't like he was immune to the younger man's charms either, from the broad shoulders to his cute, upturned nose. If Derek was someone — something — else he'd be up for having a go, see what those long fingers and that smart mouth (he just knew) could do. Find out what he looked like under his clothes and felt like with those nice long legs wrapped around him. Maybe lay out in the field and look up at the stars after and get to know each other.

But he wasn’t.

Derek sighed as he climbed into his outfit, a gray, no-frills, 2-door 2017 F-350 with four wheel drive capable of towing a 3 horse trailer even on rough terrain. He tucked his new Texas Fence Fixer underneath the passenger seat and sought out some music to distract himself.

The one thing he bothered to add to the truck after a year with only the radio was an after market stereo that also gave him the option of bluetooth, usb port or aux input. Derek used the latter, still having a working discman as he preferred to collect physical media when possible both for the higher sound quality and so he didn’t have to worry about things getting yanked from a streaming service for whatever reason. They were his.

Derek flipped through his cd booklet and slipped out The Trials of Van Occupanther by Midlake. The first track, fittingly titled “Roscoe,” was a new favorite of his and he’d been surprised to learn that the album had come out in 2006 because it sounded like something decades older. Like something his dad might’ve listened to as a kid driving around with his own father back in the 70s. A pang of grief ran through him.

He pressed play and headed back, singing along and trying not to think of enthralling brown eyes and mole-spotted skin.

“Ohh, and when the morning comes we will step outside. We will not find another man in sight. We like the newness, the newness of all, that has grown in our garden soaking for so lo-o-o-o-o-ong.”

The music helped for a while, but when Derek arrived he trudged inside the quiet house, new tool forgotten in the truck. He sank down onto the plain beige couch and cradled his head in his hands. When he eventually looked up his gaze was drawn to the painting hanging off-center across from him.

Despite the fact that one of the ways he brought in income was taking photographs of wildlife and the great outdoors he only had one piece of art on his otherwise bare walls and it wasn’t one of his. No, it was a relatively large painting of a ship sailing before a rocky outcrop in a storm, rough dark waves and lightning flashing, that he spied in a free pile on the side of the road after an estate sale. He’d found it compelling and all too relatable, even more so having been discarded after belonging to some now dead person.

He imagined himself tossed overboard, battered by waves as he watched the imperiled, but infinitely preferable vessel get farther away. Trying to stay afloat, to breathe, between bouts of being knocked under. Into stone. Growing tired and heavy in the cold water. Limbs slowing. Water closing over his face for the last time. Sinking.

Green eyes stared until everything was gray.

Bring me a day full of honest work and a roof that never leaks. I’ll be satisfied.

There’s a new wild feeling dancing in the air.

Derek never pretended that he’d always been from here, would even say where he’d come from (gasp, New York) should someone bother to ask, but this place seeped through his skin and into his bones. The mountains and the plains and the great, big sky. Like how the rain soaked into the thirsty earth in summer where it didn’t turn to gumbo. He didn’t have a “spread,” had no desire to play at being a rancher like most of his distant neighbors were, but he had a nice stretch of gently rolling prairie leading up to forest and the Beartooth Mountains.

He’d wandered a while before deciding he wanted to buy land in rural Montana with most of his portion of the life insurance money. And now for something completely different, came John Cleese’s voice in his head. His dad had been a huge Monty Python fan.

There’d been another plot that he stumbled across online that seemed particularly appealing, but there was no way in hell he was living somewhere named Argenta. He checked out a few other potentials, including in person, but then he saw this place and knew. Roscoe, unincorporated Carbon County, MT. Population 16 as of the most recent census. Well, it was 17 now.

When he first arrived there’d been some months where he saddled up at the Grizzly Bar a good nine or ten times, desperate for the presence of other people despite his opposing desire to get away from it all. A city boy soothed by the chatter of the regulars and those who came out the 70-odd miles from Billings or even farther away just for a bite of fresh beef: steak, burgers, or prime rib. Talking about nothing at all with someone plunked down on a stool nearby or with the bartender serving him his usual whiskey ditch. Even just the sound of some bullshit calling itself news on the tv. Baseball or something.

There’d been other months where he hadn’t once darkened the doorway, laying in bed and staring at the ceiling or ghosting around his property, burning through his supplies until he got hungry enough to run down some burrowing critter or a speed goat if a herd came through and he happened to get lucky. Those suckers could run up to 55mph in short bursts if they saw you coming, fastest land animal in the hemisphere. The tawny, white marked ungulates with dark bits on their faces were also known as prairie goats or pronghorn antelopes despite being neither goats not antelopes, but something closer to the okapi and giraffes in Africa than anything else left alive. That was Montana for you.

It helped when he got his first horse, a gray gelding named Gable (say that 5 times fast) and had to get up to take care of another living being. A companion of sorts to spend time with and do stuff for and touch. Werewolves didn’t usually go feral without a pack like a lot of the stories said, but it certainly wasn’t good for them to be alone.

He evened out to around once a week at the Grizzly, usually stopping by on his way to or from the closest real town (a whopping 1200-1800 folks depending on the season) for one thing or another. Red Lodge wasn’t far, about 20 miles away, but he often made a day of it. Maybe catch a movie at the one screen Roman Theater, which opened in 1917 and was the oldest continuously operating one in the state. Derek picked up all kinds of tidbits like that along with the slang and even the accent to a certain extent.

He’d walk around and pass the flower shop he hadn’t felt a need to go into so far, maybe get something fancy from the bakery or one of the cafés. Buy random crap from the dollar store, supplies for building or maintenance from Rock Creek Lumber, and groceries from Beartooth Market or the farmer’s market. Takeout from the Chinese restaurant or the pizza shop or the taqueria (or occasionally all 3) for later.

A handful of times a year he’d drive up to Billings for the things he couldn’t get closer. Less common cuisines, indie flicks, speciality items, etc. One night stands or even more furtive and frenetic hook ups, though he had’t bothered the last few times. He’d get eyes from the local ladies, some of them very much married, but he kept away from the free ones who he might’ve fancied as well.

In all likelihood starting anything would mean either trying to have a relationship while hiding half of himself or winding up shot for being a monster and having to abandon his property, assuming he wasn’t killed by a particularly well-placed bullet. Even the guns had guns out here. Same issue with the local men he noticed were so inclined only with the addition of them almost certainly being Narnia-level closeted (wardrobed? whatever) and teaming with notions about manhood that would only cause pain. So that was that for love. Not like he deserved it anyway.

It wasn’t a bad life. He made enough to get by without dipping into the other money doing odd jobs and remote temp work along with his photography. There was breathtaking beauty and all sorts of projects to keep his hands busy and his body active. Responsibility and enjoyment interacting with the horses and books to occupy his mind at least some of the time.

Yeah, that’s what he told himself anyway. It was true enough on the surface, but underneath it all he had an emptiness inside bigger than the sky.

A sky which was now, from the sound of it, soon threatening to dump a river’s worth of water on his head despite there not being a mass of dark, heavy rainclouds anywhere in sight. Only a smattering of wispy ones on a mostly sunny day. What in the world?

Regardless, he quickly guided his spooked horses inside the stable barn, the bay mare sisters Ada and Jessie joining Gable a couple years ago. Three was a good number. Company for each other and able to keep him busy for at least a few hours a day, but manageable.

Derek stroked the agitated creatures in turns, along their necks and between their ears and over their snouts, speaking gentle nonsense to try to calm them. They all had white markings on their faces: Ada’s looking kind of like a leaf print, Gable’s like a streak of paint, and Jessie’s, unfortunately (or amusingly,) like a large bird shat on her forehead.

He was on edge himself from the strange wild power dancing in the air, nervous but also feeling alive, more present and in his body than he’d been in some time. He stayed with the horses as they trembled together until the unnatural thunder ceased.

When I look into your brown eyes I struggle to pull aside. I’m wanting you more within my life.

What sort of pressure, and what kind of force must there have been to drive you here?

It was over a week into July and Derek had made another half dozen trips or so to RC, always torn between wanting to see Sean, get to have a bit of a chat or a joke, and hoping that the mischievous younger man he found increasingly attractive didn’t have a shift that day. He could’ve just gone to Ace Hardware instead and avoided the situation altogether, but he couldn’t bear to stay away long. He’d skipped one week and ended up going twice the next, so he decided to just leave it up to fate. A rather dangerous prospect given his life so far.

Twice he’d been absent when Derek was there, including the last time. It was just as well because he’d been in a foul mood, dirty and cursing and damp after slipping in mud and falling in a puddle on the way to town. It was hot as hell — mid-90s — and had just finished raining when he’d stopped to try helping some out-of-towners get unstuck.

They’d pulled off the nice paved road just beyond a chicken foot and into the fresh sludge beside it for some goddamn reason. It was a futile attempt even for his truck without having gravel or wood or something to let the car regain traction while being pulled. The group was waiting on a tow truck when he left.

He thought he caught movement in the back of the store out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned around there was nothing there. Nothing he could see anyway. What he could smell a few moments later was another matter entirely.

Derek had no idea what it was, but it was rich and intoxicating and called to his wolf. His eyes flashed red involuntarily and it had startled him back under control. He hadn’t slipped like that in years and thankfully neither Leann up front nor the older man browsing at the end of the aisle were paying him any mind.

Cautiously, he took a couple deep breaths, but still couldn’t identify the scent, which was now just beginning to dissipate with the back door being open. Wait, when did that happen? Derek shook his head, trying to refocus his senses. His thoughts. Was he losing time? Imagining things? Or was something messing with him?

He fell into into an uneasy vigilance. Whatever the cause something was going on and he felt the need to get out of there. He didn’t really have to get anything today anyway and did his best to casually head for the door, a goodbye called over his shoulder.

Derek cut his outing short and headed straight home, feeling nervous the whole drive back. He kept an eye and an ear and his nose out the rest of the day and into the wee hours until he finally conked out close to dawn. If there’d been anyone around they’d probably tell him he was overreacting, but it was precisely because there wasn’t anymore that he expected the worst. He stuck to the house and only ventured out to check on the horses.

He didn’t let his guard down until a few days later, exhausted and feeling foolish. Of course that’s when they came.

Derek hadn’t noticed the diesel pickup until it was already coming up the driveway due to yet another sudden, noisy storm nearby. This one at least seemed more normal since it was actually raining.

It was late in the evening and he’d hurried out the back door to circle around and scope them out. He didn’t want to risk his wolf eyes giving him away, so at first he could only make out that it was three figures that were probably male. Then they stepped into the light by his front door, the one on the left reaching out to knock as the others scanned around with hands in their jackets.

Even before the wind changed direction it was clear from the way they moved and dressed that they weren’t cops. Not regular cops, cow cops, tree cops, feds, or any other kind. And then there it was again, the scent of wolfsbane. The knocking Hunter dropped his hand and joined the others in looking around.

“Hale, we’re not here to harm you. We just need to talk. You have my word,” the stocky, sandy-haired man shouted.

Derek snorted quietly. That one might be telling the truth at the moment, but what about the others? As if reading his mind, the same 30-something guy — the actual leader or a decoy? — nudged the taller men who were now on either side of him. He could practically feel them eye-rolling from here, but they too made the same assurances if with more hesitation.

Finally, the first man mentioned the reason for their visit. They’d tracked a dangerous creature to this area, a killer of several people and likely the cause of the freakish weather. Some kind of kitsune.

Derek’s eyebrows flew up. Now that was interesting and perhaps worth the risk. He might not have more than a passing acquaintance with anyone, but he didn’t want to just sit back and watch folks get slaughtered.

He didn’t want to get pumped full of wolfsbane either so he made a point of crunching the gravel beneath his feet as he slowly started to approach. The guy on the right, mid-20s with a narrow face and long, dark hair, still whirled around with his gun raised and Derek made sure to keep his own truck between him and them. The talker hissed at the man, who lowered the weapon somewhat. They stood sizing each other up and ignoring the rain for few moments before Talker asked if he knew the whereabouts of a recent arrival.

After a couple interjections from Young Gun they gave a pretty solid description: A 20 year old white man, 5’10”, with short dark brown hair, brown eyes, and moles on his face. Last seen in Red Lodge.

“Huh,” he muttered, pretending to search his memory even as his stomach plummeted.

Maybe Derek was being irrational and letting his crush or whatever it was affect his judgement, but he just couldn’t believe that Sean, which was likely not his real name, was running around murdering people all willy-nilly. Not without some type of proof beyond the word of Hunters. There was something in his past, a sense that he’d been touched by darkness, but he didn’t seem like a source of it himself.

Oh and you’re such a great judge of character? his inner critic said in Cora’s voice. Heh. Well, he had picked up something unsettling about her. It’s just that he was going through life as a typical college student back then and thought it was in a “might get super insulting or jealous and controlling“ kind of way and not a “genocidal and will kill your family for fun because she thinks you’re abominations yet will still fuck you” kind of way.

He clenched his jaw minutely and then looked Talker in the eye.

“Sorry, I don’t know where he is,” he stated firmly, which was entirely true. Derek knew where he’d been, but he had no idea where he was now or where he would be. Obviously, if they weren’t just waiting to follow him from work or something Sean was already aware that they were here. Maybe there’d even been some kind of confrontation.

Once again his insides flipped at the thought. Sean could be injured. Or long gone and never to be seen again.

The third man, a lanky grizzled 40-ish blond who’d been silently watching the proceedings, narrowed his eyes.

“If you’re hiding this monster, Hale—“ he began, before being cut off.

“Surely, he knows better than that,” Talker said, smiling with too many teeth. He reached into his pocket, opened his wallet, and wedged a business card in the door jamb. “Well, if you do see him, give us a call.”

“You betcha,” Derek said mildly, lying to his face. He felt a moments’ amusement at finally using the ubiquitous phrase. The Hunters started walking towards their truck and he took that as his cue to back away, never taking his eyes off of them.

“We’ll be seeing you,” Young Gun called with a sneer before climbing in the driver’s seat.

Well that was ominous. He didn’t respond and waited until they we were well down the road before going back inside, throwing the card straight in the trash. Even if it turned out that the stock boy did need to be…to be neutralized Derek would be damned before handing him over to the likes of them.

But now he had to worry about Hunters knowing about him — and how exactly did that happen? — and he was alone and vulnerable. Couldn’t he catch a break? He sighed heavily.

Derek thought about running, but a lot of his money was tied up in the land. He’d settled in and accumulated stuff. Had horses. The idea of starting all over yet again was not just daunting, but soul-destroying. Enraging. Overwhelming. Impossible.

And then what, just wait for the next time? Spend the rest of his life as he’d just done the previous few days; stressed out, on high alert, and looking over his shoulder? Clinging to this scrap of existence? He was tired. Beyond tired.

The odds weren’t great to say the least, 3 vs 1 assuming they were weren’t more of them lurking around, but Derek wasn’t going anywhere. One way or another he was done. Maybe he’d get lucky and they’d be particularly incompetent and poorly trained. Yeah right. Maybe he could take one or more of them down with him. That was more likely.

The next morning he made sure the horses had access to extra feed and water and called up the farm supply store in Roberts, asking the manager, Wes, if he’d be willing to do him a favor. To call if he didn’t hear from Derek by noon every other day for the next while and if he didn’t by the time the store closed at 6pm to come out and check on the horses. Charge anything he saw fit to his account. The generally jovial middle-aged former linesman listened quietly until he was done.

“You got some type of trouble, Hale?” he asked, gruff with concern.

“Could be,” Derek replied numbly. He thanked Wes and hung up without elaborating.

The following night there was another storm, brief, but closer and much more violent than before. A truly awesome display in every sense of the word, bolts of colorful orange lightning flashing when he peeked out before heeding the urge to keep away. When he was sure it was over he brought treats out for poor Ada, Jessie, and Gable.

The next time Derek went to town a couple afternoons later he passed by the hardware store, but didn’t stop in case he or it was being watched. It was no surprise, but when he saw the Help Wanted sign in the window his left hand clenched into a fist, the tips of his claws piercing skin until blood dripped onto his denim clad knee or down to the floorboard. He wondered where Sean went. If he was even still alive now.

That evening Derek was at the Grizzly flipping through an abandoned copy of the weekly regional newspaper — July 15th, today’s edition — when he saw that three men had been found dead yesterday. Out-of-towners from California who had all managed to get electrocuted wandering around a field by Roscoe. A freak weather occurrence the night before. Huh.

Well that takes care of that problem. There were no pictures of the deceased and he would follow up on the story to make sure, but he had a feeling that he wouldn’t, in fact, be seeing those Hunters around. As for what else was going on, he guessed he’d have to wait and see.

Follow me down a fox hole in the ground. Don’t delay.

Everything is moving so fast. I am unlimited.

The full moon fell on another scorcher two days later, the air still warm and muggy a couple hours after the sun finally deigned to set around 9:00pm. Derek was tending to his horses, waiting until the temperature wasn’t sweltering anymore, but still sweating through his shirt after mucking out their stalls. Putting out fresh straw and climbing up into the hayloft and back down again multiple times. He wanted to have bales ready for tomorrow and maybe the following day and gave his interested audience a snack of hay and apples as well.

Derek wasn’t sure if he was gonna stay close tonight or go ranging once the moon was in full effect shortly before midnight. The Hunters were gone (he’d confirmed it online that morning) and he hadn’t been up to it the previous month, so he was leaning toward going out for a bit and seeing how it went. He felt the moment when the alignment occurred, the moon’s power calling to his blood, to his wolf, who responded with an interested, but rather mild wag of its metaphorical tail.

Derek sighed remembering how exhilarated he used to be, champing at the bit to run wild and reveling in his full shift. I should be grateful I feel anything at all these days. He finished up and was petting Ada goodbye when he heard the clock in the house strike midnight. It was another free box find, beat up, but with a functional pendulum, which he liked since he could know what time it was from any of the buildings on his property and a good chunk of the land without having to wear a watch. It could be silenced at night or whenever else he wished otherwise it would’ve ended up back in a pile.

On the seventh chime the lights inside the barn started flickering and that strange energy was in the air again, full of wild, dangerous potential. There was a moment of laden silence and then something moved in the brush outside. Derek’s hair stood on end.

He looked at his nervously whinnying horses and was glad that he’d been waiting until the check-in tomorrow to tell Wes not to bother with them anymore instead of calling him today. They would hopefully survive this even if he didn’t. He took a deep breath and walked into the night.

Lightning flashed high in the sky, confined to the rapidly congregating clouds for now, but Derek cringed nonetheless. A human-shaped shadow materialized from the darkness beyond the floodlights on the other side of the building, otherworldly eyes glowing a burnt orange. Moments later Sean was sauntering around the outskirts of the illuminated sphere wearing a sharp-fanged grin, wind blowing his not-quite-as-short hair as it whipped around and behind him.

Instead of relaxing at the mostly familiar face that he’d spent weeks daydreaming about Derek tensed even more, wondering if Sean thought he’d helped those Hunters. Or if they were actually right about him and he’d come to finish off his prey. Derek couldn’t think of another reason why he’d be here like this. At this time of night, looking like that. His wolf was still and alert.

He had increased strength from the moon, but he couldn’t fight lightning. Honestly, without the animosity he reserved for Hunters he didn’t really want to at this point. He was tired. Of the isolation and loneliness, even with his horses. The grief and guilt and pain. Of living. The emptiness that was gonna swallow him whole some day anyway. Even as the rest of him still rebelled at the idea there was a rather large part of him that felt relieved while staring death in the face.

The air stilled again momentarily and Derek closed his red eyes, breathing deeply as that intoxicating scent reached his nose for a second time. The scent of Sean. A final mystery solved as he waited for the end. At least it should be quick.

Oh, the fox came for him all right, but not at all in the way he’d expected. Derek kept his eyes closed even as footsteps raced toward him and moments later a body was colliding with his. The next thing he knew he was laid out on the ground, air knocked from his lungs and flat on his back with Sean straddling him. Purring.

To say he was shocked was an understatement. Shocked, but starting to get turned on.

Hands planted on his chest, Sean leaned forward and sniffed at his neck, giving it a lick and sounding pleased when increased arousal flooded through him. He licked some more and nipped at Derek’s jaw, Inhaling again. The fox grinned mischievously and sat all the way down on his tenting crotch, grinding on him. Lying on top of him and rubbing himself all over, getting Derek all riled up.

He was content to let the fox have his way with him, but then in the blink of an eye Sean was standing and peering down at his confused form. Backing away towards the tall grass with swaying hips and a heavy-lidded gaze, licking his lips. Derek leapt to his feet, tracking every movement and matching step for step. He began to growl as Sean neared the rustling, wind-whipped vegetation and slowly turned around. Mine his wolf declared hungrily. The fox looked over his shoulder and smirked before taking off into the field.

Dirt flew as Derek tore after him, beta-shifted as he crashed through the grass. It was tall, but not enough to hide someone of their heights, yet he couldn’t see even a head floating above it. With the erratic wind still blowing it was also hard to discern that movement from one caused by someone ducked and passing through. He was going to have to rely on his hearing and smell, which were superior in wolf form. Quickly he stripped down and shifted completely, setting off again.

Lightning flashed again, thunder deafening, and he snapped his jaws at the sky. He dropped his muzzle to the ground, sniffing for where the fox had touched the earth since he couldn’t get a good scent from the air. He came across the trail and sped along it, that unique aroma growing stronger. Derek burst into a small bare patch of land where the scent was concentrated, but instead of catching Sean he only found a pile of discarded clothing. Clever. Despite his frustration he was impressed. Either he’s crawling around naked on his hands and knees, which is entirely possible — the thought went straight to his cock — or he’s a shifter too.

Derek was betting on the latter and this time he also looked for paw prints and snapped stalks lower down while trying to move quietly himself. During a break in the distracting weather, which seemed to be winding down, he heard what sounded like the brief tangling of a smaller animal up ahead. Stalking closer he saw a glimpse of brightness in the moonlight and rushed forward. The fox gekkered and started running again, Derek howling in pursuit.

Twisting and turning they darted through the drying blades of grass, his muzzle nearly touching a tail or leg on more than one occasion. Then Sean shot out into open ground, Derek too close behind to successfully double back to the more advantageous environment. His quarry in full sight with no where to hide he put on another burst of speed and began to gain on the other shifter, nostrils flaring at the musky scent. Earthy and sweet. Derek wanted to roll in it, but he had to catch him first.

Closer and closer he came and he could see more clearly that Sean was a beautiful multicolored fox, bright orange and black with patches of what might’ve been gray or silver. He had every intention of finding out later in the daylight. Finally, he deemed it near enough for a good tackle and he leapt, carefully landing over the wily creature and immediately dropping his weight on top of him. Derek took the scruff of his wiggling prey in his jaws and clamped down, but didn’t break the skin as the fox panted and whined beneath him. Mine.

His wolf was rearing to go, the overwhelming urge to thrust and bite and claim, but there was no way he could fuck the much smaller animal even if he’d wanted to. Thankfully, Sean began shifting back, thick, fluffy fur receding and becoming an expanse of dotted skin as he rapidly grew in size. Derek followed suit and soon he was pressed against the younger man, still gripping the skin of his neck in his mouth. He replaced his teeth with a firm, possessive hand and used his other arm to push himself upward to view what was his.

Panting with arousal as much as exertion now, Sean rested low on his forearms and knees and spread his legs in clear invitation. The youth glistened between his thighs and Derek ran two fingers there before sliding up to his sopping wet hole and the source of the richer ambrosial scent. Groaning, he slipped one and then two digits inside Sean’s tight heat, trying to give him some measure of prep before mounting him as his wolf demanded to do.

The impatient shifter whined and growled, bucking back on his fingers, which were now up to three. He turned his head and snapped at Derek, so he withdrew them taking the hint. If Sean was so desperate for his cock he was going to give it to him. Coating himself with the wondrous slick he lined himself up and pushed inside, hole fluttering around him as it worked to accommodate his girth.

Draping over his back and eyes closed in pleasure Derek immediately began to thrust, wrapping an arm around Sean’s chest to hold him close as he balanced with the other. He ran that hand soothingly along the whimpering shifter’s flank as he pounded into him, too much wolf to be gentle now that he finally started. He adjusted his angle though and soon the breathy, higher pitched sounds became low, throaty moans and Sean dropped down to his shoulders, lifting his ass in offering for more.

The fox tried to sneak a hand down to his cock, but Derek snarled and grabbed it, holding both hands down with his own. He thrusted harder, making him cry out and push back wantonly. Derek wanted him to cum from his cock alone, but he wasn’t cruel. If his fox couldn’t get there before him he would help things along.

When he started to knot, he took the back of Sean’s neck between his jaws again, an instinctual need to keep his mate in place. Whining and gasping the youth spread his legs even wider as Derek worked it in with short, jerky movements until he was locked inside. Growling lowly he switched to grinding and it wasn’t long before the fox tensed up, a piercing shout before rhythmic clenching began around his knot, the scent of cum hanging in the air.

Sean continued to milk him and then Derek was tipping over the edge himself, shooting his load deep within the otherwise lax body. Releasing the bruised skin to howl in triumph, his fangs then descended and he was clamping down once more, this time sinking into flesh and spilling blood to claim the writhing fox. Still coming as the budding connection snapped into place, he turned them sideways and began alternately licking the slowly healing wound and marking up the skin around it. Mine mine mate.

Won’t you tell me how I will not feel so lonely?

Thought we were due for a change or two around this place.

As he came back down to earth from the high of their mating, their breaths slowing and heart rates returning to normal, his human self likewise returned more assertively to the fore as the animal receded into the background. The wolf was happy, calm, and satisfied, but the man began to fret and doubt even as he held on more tightly to the young man in his arms whose body he was still buried to the hilt inside.

Did the fox want to be mated to him or had he just been expecting sex? And if he did was it only because his wilder, instinctual side was in control or was all of him truly onboard? Derek himself hadn't known he was actually going to bite him until right before it happened, though it was something his entirety wanted very much despite how he’d normally try to deny it.

Before he could sink deeper into worrying about having tied the fox to him beyond the immediate way a hand crept back to rub the nape of neck.

"Hi," whispered his mate, the first words spoken between them tonight. In something like two weeks now.

"Hi," he whispered back. "You okay?"

"More than," the fox chuckled weakly. "I could just hear you thinking so loudly "

He noted the scent of content amusement, which dialed his concern down a notch. Still he took a deep breath. "About me…biting you…”

"I wanted you to."

"Yeah?" Derek asked softly, almost disbelieving.

"...I came to you and initiated a chase on the full moon."

He grinned at the snarky reply and mouthed at an earlobe, nipping it and grinding himself into Sean's prostate again. The fox moaned and turned his head to nip back at Derek's nose before continuing.

"I might still be fairly new to all this, but I knew that much. That you would probably bite me if you felt... " There was a sudden shift in his scent. Uncertainty and a hint of guilt. "But you..."

"I wanted you too. The moon is strong, yes, but if I truly wasn’t interested, didn’t want you, I could’ve made myself stay where I was. Walk the other way.” Derek felt his sigh of relief and inhaled contentment once more. Good. “So what brings you to Gopher Crotch, Montana?”

“I hadn’t heard that one yet,” Sean replied, laughing before growing quiet. Derek grimaced, chiding himself.

“S’okay, you don’t have to tell me. I don’t even know why I asked. It just popped into my head and I guess my filter is pretty non-existent at the moment.” He sighed. “Folks end up out here and it’s rarely puppies and rainbows they’re coming from.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“Yup.”

The fox grabbed his left hand where it was idly running up and down his side and pulled Derek’s arm across him, intertwining their fingers and holding his hand against his chest.

After several moments he started to explain that he came here to try to learn to control his power in a sparsely populated area. He’d done a sacrificial ritual with some friends to save his father and a couple others, leaving himself vulnerable, and was possessed by a dark kitsune. The sadness evident when speaking of his friends grew thicker as he described the damage his hijacked body had done. Hurting and killing people. They finally managed to get rid of it when a werewolf friend bit him, but he ended up becoming some hybrid kitsune/fox shifter after.

“The Nogitsune can’t be two things at once, but apparently I can. Or I don’t know, maybe it assumed I’d be a wolf and bounced before realizing. Maybe it was something it left behind that made me change into a fox after starting to turn. Or maybe it was just me.” The younger man shook his head and snorted.

“Who knows? Whatever the reason, it happened. I knew other shifters, mostly werewolves and a coyote. Had a kitsune friend too. But none who were both.”

He spoke of the distance and awkwardness between them after. The looks. His guilt and grief. The nightmares. And then how he accidentally shocked his father when he tried to wake him.

“He survived. Recovered okay last I heard, but I-I couldn’t…” Sean trailed off, choking up.

“I know,” Derek said, squeezing his hand and waiting as he gathered himself.

“I once visited a great uncle out this side as a kid — not here, way more East — and after a few months on the road I thought of that. I had this old Jeep that belonged to my mom, named it Roscoe. There was no way it could make a trip like this, so I left it behind rather than have to ditch it somewhere in case some day…” His mate sighed. “So when I saw that on the map, well, I couldn’t help but stop nearby. Like it was sign.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Here I was about a week or so, got a job at RC, and then you come strolling on in. Immediately I was aware of you, drawn like a moth to a flame. I’d been…I’m not sure how to describe it, but like, buzzing inside from my power and eventually it’d grow until I’d have to let it out. But then I got this strange feeling of calmness with you there. And of course you were hot as fuck too.“

Derek blushed and grinned, dropping his face into the crook of his mate’s neck before responding.

“I was drawn to you as well. Intrigued. I didn’t know what to do with that, figured you were one more thing — or person — that I couldn’t have. Every time I saw you I was attracted more and more…” he shook his head ruefully. “Couldn’t stay away. So each time I pulled up I’d hope you weren’t there, but then was happy when you were and disappointed when you weren’t.”

The fox made a noise of amused commiseration.

“Our animal sides can be on some crazy shit at times, but there are definitely others when the human just gets in the way and you have to let the fox, or wolf, lead.” He purred and rubbed himself back against Derek and he rumbled back, setting his teeth gently over the mating mark.

“Apparently. Mine’s been pretty quiet for a while now, except sometimes when I’m hunting or if go running on the full moon. Not much for him to react to, you know? No pack, no other shifters nearby or even passing through recently. Even with the Hunters he was more in the background. Giving me information, but not trying to take point.

“And then you were all over me and took off with that look in your eye and he came roaring awake.” Derek chuckled at the smug satisfaction emanating from the fox. “So I take it you knew I was a wolf right away?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Huh. I couldn’t pick up anything supernatural about you until tonight.” Shoulders shrugged against Derek’s own.

“It seems to be a kitsune thing. A defensive measure that keeps you hidden unless you consciously drop it or when you’re actively using your powers.”

“Huh. And are fox abilities pretty much the same as wolves?”

“I think so, but sometimes weaker or stronger.”

“Hmm.” He was curious and looking forward to learning more about his mate. He knew that they existed, but had never actually known a fox shifter before. Or a kitsune. Both were significantly rarer than werewolves, at least in the States.

Derek figured it was his turn to share, so he gave a basic rundown of his own story. His lost family. How he stayed in New York when they moved away. The fire. Laura. Peter. He braced for judgement, if not for his naiveté with the Hunter then for killing his uncle, but the fox only turned their still clasped left hands over and kissed his palm.

He mentioned his estranged little sister and how he’d been resigned to being alone. When he was done his mate was thrumming with anger.

“Fucking Hunters,” Sean said, bitterly. “If they’d stick to their supposed code it’d be one thing, but so many of them clearly don’t. I ran into some before here too, back in Beacon Hills—“

Derek froze, heart racing as his mind tried to process those words. Surely he hadn’t heard that right. Or it was some other place with the same name. There was no fucking way. He’d been able to tell his story with a certain amount of detachment, but he hadn’t spoken the name of that cursed place. Could hardly bear to think it. Laughter in a bar. His claws red. The smell of charred wood and melted plastic when he made himself see the house before he left.

A concerned voice calling out to him broke him out the spell.

“—okay? Hey, what’s wrong?”

He swallowed several times trying to work the dryness from his throat.

“Beacon Hills…California?”

“Yes…” Sean responded hesitantly.

“No fucking way,” he breathed. “That…That’s where my family moved.” Where they died.

There was a sharp inhale.

“The house in the Preserve...There wasn’t much known about what happened. I hadn’t thought to connect the name because I didn’t know they were wolves.”

“Really? Your wolf friend never ran into Christopher Argent?”

“Allison’s dad? What does he have—oh my god! Her aunt and grandfather disappeared around that time. They were the Hunters?!”

“Yeah.”

“Holy shit. No, Allison and her parents moved away soon after. They never knew about Scott. Some other dipshits came through a while later, tried to intimidate some of Satomi’s pack — she’s the Alpha who helped Scott with the wolf stuff. She and most of her pack live in Nevada, but a few were attending the county college for their veterinary program and noticed there was another wolf around, thank God. It was a lot to deal with on our own, trying to find actual information and keep him secret and in control.”

While his mate recounted throwing lacrosse balls at his packless friend the memory of Peter’s last words flashed in his head. He gasped as another piece of the puzzle slotted into place.

“Was your friend also Bitten around the same time?”

“Yeah, we never found out who—“

“I think it was my uncle. He was saying something about expanding the pack right before I…I didn’t know. His Alpha instincts must’ve had free rein to just attack some kid like that.”

“Holy shit,” Sean repeated.

“Holy shit,” Derek agreed. He knew he was going to dwell on this revelation for a good while, want to know all the details and about the new wolf, but he didn’t want to start that now. This time was for them. He shoved his train of thought back on track to where they’d left off.

“So those three Hunters…”

“I didn’t know I was being tracked, but I tried to be careful. Moved around, kept an eye on the weather to try to blend in with forecasted storms, but I’d have to put on a light show every so often when there weren’t any. Obviously they caught up to me when I stayed here so long...such beautiful scenery and all,” he said flirtatiously before getting serious again.

“Fuckers ran me right off the road. Tried to run me over really. I heard them behind me in time, but they followed me off the shoulder and destroyed my dirt bike right after I bailed. I had just saved up enough to get it before I came here too,” he hissed angrily.

“I hurt my leg and side when I landed so I ducked into an old shed nearby to try to buy some time to heal more. They taunted me outside, wouldn’t listen to me. Said no one ever escaped a nogistune before so I must still be possessed, but that even if I wasn’t I’d be an abomination anyway.”

Derek growled from deep within his chest and nuzzled the younger man. Fucking Hunters and their genocidal bullshit.

“When two of them were getting closer to the door I got small and foxy and crept out a hole by the ground in back. I guess they didn’t realize that I could shift too, so it took the other one a few moments to notice and react. Then I was running into the field, trying to find cover as they shot after me. They kept coming and I couldn’t run at my usual speed, so…” He shrugged. “Boom.”

He tightened his hold on his mate. Killing was rarely pleasant even if it was necessary or well deserved and he knew the fox already carried so much guilt from the lives his body was forced to take.

“It was self-defense.”

“I know. I mean I’m not happy about it, but I don’t exactly feel bad either, especially since I heard one of them mention coming back for you after ‘taking care of their fox problem.’”

Derek closed his eyes and shuddered. He’d figured as much, but it was another thing to hear it for sure. It didn’t matter that he was minding his own business and not a threat to anyone. He wasn’t human and so shouldn’t exist.

“Thank you,” he said, throat tight.

“De nada, mate.”

Mate. He was thrilled to hear it out loud for the first time.

“Oh hey, what’s your name? Other than Hale?”

“Derek,” he replied, amused that they’d gone this long without bothering to ask. ”And what’s yours? Not actually Sean I assume?”

“Well…it’s Myeh-cheh-swaf. But I go by Stiles.”

“Nice to meet you, Stiles,” he said, voice low and syrupy, grinding into him again. Stiles giggled.

“If you keep doing that we’re gonna be stuck out here forever, dude.”

“Not seeing the problem.” Derek grabbed an ass cheek and then gave it a playful spank. “And don’t call me ‘dude’. I ain’t been no city slicker in years,” he drawled with an exaggerated accent.

Stiles snorted and started squeezing his knot in retaliation, making Derek groan. He slipped a hand between them to feels where they were connected, trailing two fingers through the slick. The fox made a cute little noise.

“I have to say the whole, uh, getting wet thing was quite the surprise.”

“Mmm, I like it.”

“I can tell.” Derek could hear the smirk in his voice. “I bet you’ll be happy to know the first time it happened was the last time you came in to the store before things went to hell. You were all sweaty and dirty in that basically see-thru tank top looking like a walking wet dream. Then without any warning there was leaking happening. I froze and then ran to bathroom thinking I must’ve ate something off for lunch and was having some kind of problem.”

A belly laugh erupted out of Derek shaking them both.

“I fell into a big muddy puddle trying to help some folks that were stuck. Took off my button-down to try to get the worst of the muck off and wiped myself down. I was annoyed as hell and lost in my head when I got there and then all of a sudden I smelled something amazing. Didn’t know what it was or where it was coming from.”

“Yeah, that seems to be from my, uh, regular fox side. Which is totally a thing I just say now. Anyway, I kind of freaked out when I saw you turning and I guess I did something kitsune-ish so you wouldn’t notice me? But using my power meant the usual concealment stuff went away and you could smell my full scent. And, um, that.”

Ah, so that’s what happened. He refrained from mentioning his own freak out thinking he was either losing his mind or that something potentially bad was happening. The paranoia that ended up being warranted, but not because of him.

“It’s weird and I’m still getting used to it, but I have to admit it’s very convenient. I would’ve had to stop for lube or something last night otherwise.”

Derek laughed more, imagining a glowing eyed Stiles followed by a miniature lightning storm stopping by the general store for some K-Y and Miss Ginny getting on the phone right after being all “I’m pretty sure the new boy down at RC is some kind of demon, but anyway I saw him buying a bottle of ‘you know what’ and I just have to wonder who for…”

“Mind sharing with the class?” Stiles asked curiously when he continued to crack himself up. Derek told him and then they were both dissolving into giggles, causing his now mostly soft cock and shrunken knot to finally slip out. Stiles made a soft whining sound and then stretched before turning toward him. They drank each other in face to face.

“I figured you probably wouldn’t be small, and yeah, no way that was going in me dry, especially not having taken a cock before,” Stiles added, blushing, before snuggling up to him again.

Derek froze.

“Yeah, I’ve slept with some folks, but they all happened to be of the female persuasion. So, yeah. First guy.”

A pleased possessiveness flashed through him mostly — but not entirely — from his wolf, but then Derek frowned, feeling more than a little guilty.

“I was rough with you.”

Stiles pulled back to look him in the eye. “Again, I knew what I was getting into. Full moon, Alpha wolf. And I liked it. A whole lot.”

Derek hmmed. “And you’re not…hurt?”

“You weren’t that rough and I was, you know, ready for you. Sure, I was pretty sore at first right after because virgin ass plus knot even with everything, but just very slightly now. In a nice way. While my healing isn’t as fast as yours it’s still pretty quick.”

He sighed in relief.

“I guess I make up for it by running faster than you,” Stiles teased.

Derek huffed. “I seem to remember catching you.”

“I seem to remember letting you. Gotta stoke that Alpha ego.”

There was no blip in the fox’s heart beat. That little shit.

“Plus I wanted to get fucked already. You were…” Stiles sighed dreamily. “I wanted you so much.”

Well then.

“But if the Big Bad Wolf is still worried about traumatizing little ol’ me with an epic dicking and you want to give me an apology blow job or something to feel well and truly forgiven, I wouldn’t stop you…”

Derek laughed again. He’d already laughed more in past 10 minutes or so than he had in weeks. Laughed harder than in longer than he could remember.

Agreeing that that was a great suggestion he rolled them over so that Stiles was on his back and then slid down his body, tasting the grass stained skin of his chest and abdomen and belly, venturing on until he reached his prize. Derek grasped the base of the still hardening cock and rumbled as he licked off the evidence of Stiles’ previous orgasm before he took it in his mouth and suckled the head. He was rewarded with louder moans of pleasure from his mate when he sunk further down, bobbing up and down shaft while reaching to fondle his balls with his other hand.

After a couple of minutes Derek gave the delicate sack one more squeeze and then moved his hand lower to gather slick from between soft inner thighs. The moans turned to gasps and when he pushed two fingers inside the fox’s quivering hole, jacking the shaft after pulling off to watch as his load trickled out along with fresh slick. Derek growled at the sight, thrusting faster and aiming for that sweet spot.

When his mate was getting close he descended once more on the now leaking cock, continuing to finger him while engulfing him deep, until the tip was nestled in his throat. He made a humming sound and then Stiles was coming and crying out. Derek greedily swallowed his release and cleaned his cock until he was sensitive and whimpering. Grabbing him by the hips he then hoisted him up so that only his head and shoulders remained on the ground, tongue pressing against the furled entrance of the weakly moaning fox and lapping their mingled fluids until he was satisfied.

“Um, wow,” Stiles said breathlessly when he finally set him down.

“I want to fill you up again,” Derek rasped, his eyes a steady red as he kneeled between trembling thighs, stroking his own aching, eager cock.

Stiles’ eyes flashed orange in response and he spread his legs wider, folding them up and holding himself exposed for Derek. So trusting and willing, this alluring and powerful creature who could blast him into next Tuesday, fry him to crisp and blow away the dust, but so readily submitted to him. Wanted him. His heart felt like it could burst.

He crawled forward to bracket Stiles in his arms, leaving marks on his throat. Filling in some of those blank spaces that he couldn’t reach the last time. He rubbed his beard against the tanned skin, nuzzling and scenting him and when he couldn’t wait anymore he coated himself with slick and pushed in again with one steady motion, both of them moaning. Flush together and wrapped in heat, Derek closed his eyes and took a moment to just savor the feeling of being snug inside his mate.

Affection and a sweet desire coursed through the bond and then Stiles was leaning up to kiss him, wrapping those long, strong legs around his waist. He started off slow and deep, rolling his hips sinuously as they explored each other’s mouths for the first time. Eventually he sped up, the fox’s writhing and little sounds spurring him on, and Derek held his gaze as he drove in faster and harder.

Stiles’ eyes took on an eerie glow, the same one as before the chase. A darker shade than the previous flashing yet more shimmery. Uh-oh, here it co—

Lightning flashed high in the overcast sky, the boom of thunder only a split second behind. Startled, unhappy neighing sounded from the barn.

Derek shook his head at his sheepishly grinning mate. He adjusted his position to get use of an arm and hiked an ankle crossed at his lower back higher to rest over his shoulder. Then he spat in his hand and grasped Stiles’ cock now that enough time had passed to give his new favorite toy a break.

“Think you can manage to stop scaring my horses?” he asked with a smirk, jacking him.

“Mmm…maybe with…the proper…motivation.” The pleasure drunk fox rubbed his other thigh against his side. Derek started thinking of all sorts of fun ways of training and testing his control. He nibbled at an earlobe and let go of his mate’s erection to twine their fingers together, pressing the backs of Stiles’ hands into the earth.

“Oh is that so?”

“Mmhmm.”

He picked up the pace again and Stiles answered, rocking his hips in a matching rhythm. Hungrily they attacked each other with their mouths, licking, sucking, biting anywhere they could reach. The lightning ceased, but then it immediately started raining.

Shaking with laughter they slowed but didn’t stop, grinding as the heavy droplets cooled their feverish skin. He took Stiles' face in both hands and kissed him deeply between giggles. As they ramped up again and his knot began to swell arms wrapped around to hook on his shoulders. It wasn’t long before claws were scratching down his back and when Stiles came he buried his fangs into Derek’s flesh, leaving a mating bite of his own between shoulder and neck.

He whined from the delicious overload of sensations, thrusting erratically a half dozen times more before locking, teeth still embedded in him. Rain collected in the dips of their bodies and rivulets of water, sweat, blood, saliva, and cum ran off of them into the thirsty ground.

When they were done — his knot going down more quickly the second round — they got up and ran naked and laughing toward the house, Stiles shifting halfway and taking off with a playful yip. Derek followed suit, howling as he tried and failed to close the distance. He was definitely gonna have to do some training himself, futile though it would probably be. If he could only arrange a chase long enough he bet that he could win on endurance. Wolves typically traveled much farther than foxes after all.

In the meantime, at least he knew his mate would take pity on him — or get horny enough — and let himself be caught sometimes. Not this time though.

When he reached the stoop at the side of the house the fox was casually lying there waiting for him with his tongue lolling out. Derek chuffed and nipped his muzzle before licking his right cheek and ear fondly. Little shit. Shifting back he turned the knob and held the door open for his mate to scamper into their home, following after with a grin bigger than the sky.

Come morning, miles along, gathered round, those remained. With bird in hand and a cry for the land, joy to gain.

We have all we need.

Thanks for reading!

Here's the previous fic (unrelated) for this event/series: Second Chance Strays.

#sterek #sterek fanfic #teen wolf fanfiction #mead moons #mead moons claiming #mead moons full moon #mead moons hay #mead moons hot #mead moons thunder #sterek & stuff events #sterekweekly #sterekweeklyattract #mead moons trisk

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monochromatictoad · 2 months

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For the ask: Trevorcard, Hector and Isaac :P

Trevorcard!

1. favorite thing about them: Trevorcard's devotion to his family, but also to his own humanity. He worked his ass off to get his father to see he's worthy of redemption, while also never succumbing to the vampire curse.

2. least favorite thing about them: The fact he never told Simon who he really was. I get why he didn't, but it doesn't make me happy about it.

3. favorite line: "You'll pay for what you did to me and my mother!" Specifically as young Trevor in the Castle portions of LoS2. It seems like a strange quote, but this is the first thing Trevor said to Dracul before their first battle, so it's how Trevorcard gets Gabriel to see the young boy is him.

4. brOTP: Trevorcard and Victor. Honestly, not much is known of their relationship, but I'd like to think they were pretty close.

5. OTP: Trethias (Trevorcard x Mathias) and Trevorcard x Sypha. (Gavor)

6. nOTP: Satan x Trevorcard. Listen Satan. Possessing the body of your crush's son, is not how you get your crush to like you back.

7. random headcanon: Trevorcard watches over the Belnades after he became a vampire. It's one thing he could do as atonement for causing his wife's death, but also because of the changing political stance on them. After the Belmonts split from the original Brotherhood of Light (another headcanon), he begins to watch over them too.

8. unpopular opinion: I think he's the coolest looking Alucard, and I like how they show that he refuses to give into the curse by perpetually starving himself of blood, which shows on his actual character model.

9. song i associate with them: uhhh....

Animal by Disturbed.

10. favorite picture of them: have some baby Trevorcard, ft. Dracul's hand.

Hector!

1. Favorite thing about them: The fact he broke away from Dracula and Isaac, finding his own place in the world, free from their toxicity.

2. Least favorite thing about them: Hector, honey, maybe don't try to the woman helping you. (I hope I'm remembering that panel of the manga correctly)

3. Favorite line: "Damn him! So be it. I must descend into darkness and reclaim that accursed power once more... Heed my words. I will hunt you down like the beast you are. I will have my revenge!" Like? My guy? That goes so fucking hard.

4. brOTP: Alucard and Hector. Weird adopted brothers, who are each other's only sanctuary.

5. OTP: Hectaly, Isaactor, and Mactor

6. nOTP: can I put N!Isaactor? I'm putting that.

7. Random headcanon: I really like the ones that portray Hector treating his Innocent Devils as like little pets/children.

8. Unpopular opinion: honestly? I don't think I have one.

9. Song I associate with them: Uhhh... Maybe..

The Death of Peace of Mind by Bad Omen

10. Favorite picture of them: I know he's barely visible, but like, the size difference between him and Dracula? *Chef's kiss*

Isaac!

1. Favorite thing about them: unhinged bastard man, causing death and destruction in his wake. What's not to love about that?

2. Least favorite thing about them: Maybe don't burn your adopted brother/ex lover's wife at the stake? And expect him to like you still?

3. Favorite line: "I've been waiting quite a long time to plot my revenge. Not only did my Lord die because of you -- you stripped me of my pride, my home. Now I shall make you suffer as I suffered. You shall die a most painful, gruesome death." Isaac, honey. Like, this line is painful, but it shows so much about Isaac and his mentality around Dracula and the Castle.

4. brOTP: Joachim and Isaac. I just can't visualize them being in a relationship.

5. OTP: Isaactor, Isaastle, and Gabsaac/Isabriel? Basically Isaac x Gabriel.

6. nOTP: same as Hector. N!Isaactor

7. Random headcanon: I think Isaac could play a few instruments. I don't know... He seems like the type to have, like, a bass or, like, a steel guitar.

8. Unpopular opinion: Isaac is perfect as he is. He is chaos and depravity, and I love him for that. He's so unapologetically awful in every way, and I love that in a character.

9. Song I associate with them: Sick Like Me by In This Moment

10. Favorite picture of them: This is just a fantastic image of Isaac.

#snailmail #isaac laforeze #Hector #Trevor 'Alucard' Belmont #akumajou dracula

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theproloser34 · 7 months

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AJR - The Maybe Man

So finally got around to listening to AJR's newest album. AJR is very weird to me just cause I either love their songs, or the subject matter is just way too corny for me to listen too. Despite that, I really liked their past album, OK Orchestra so I went into this one with an open mind. I'm happy to report that I see this album as a good 7/10. Not great, but an enjoyable listen. Maybe Man: Definitely a great opener to the album. I enjoy the melody and the outro "Here I go again" refrain makes me wish that the song was longer, because it's my favorite part Touchy Feely Fool: This is a perfect example of the thoughts about AJR. This song is incredibly cheesy but also too relatable to myself so I end up loving this song after two listens. Definitely one of my favorites of the album. Yes I'm A Mess: It's an alright song. I'm not too sure if I enjoy the sea shanty vibes I get from this song, but it is really catchy and an earworm. I didn't think it was a great single, but I enjoy it a bit more in the album The Dumb Song: I feel the same about this as I feel about "Yes I'm A Mess". Has a catchy chorus but nothing else about the song particularly stands out after listening. I do enjoy it a little bit more though. Inertia: I don't have anything really to say about this song. I can see how someone would love it, but this song does nothing for me Turning Out Pt. iii: Same thing, doesn't do anything for me. I'm not really a fan of AJR's more slow songs, so this does not hit hit, but easily could be someone's favorite. I appreciate the message of the song, but the song itself does nothing Hole in the Bottom of My Brain: It's a song about fame. I know some people don't like famous people complaining about being famous, but I think this is a nice little deviation than the usual complaints of fame. Also is a nice upbeat and catchy tune. The DJ is Crying For Help: Another one of my favorites. Immediately liked this song when it was released as a single and it has just grown on me more. The only bad thing is this is again another song where I wish there was one more chorus or just a little more development before the outro. The "Don't leave me out" vocal run is my favorite part and I wish it happened more than twice in the song. But still a highlight for sure I Won't: A song I didn't think I would like but soon became the one that was repeating in my head the most. Nothing too special to say about this song. Just seems like a fun anthem for antisocial people, which sometimes you're in the mood for. Steve's Going to London: This is a song I want to like, but I just can't. I find the subject matter interesting but the song itself is too long and just does not sit in my ear well. The bar chant vibe the song is going to just doesn't hit as it should. The bridge is the highlight cause it strips the song down and is most clear about the subject matter, but it doesn't make up for the rest of the song. God is Really Real: I can't hate this song. It just feels wrong to. This isn't a song made for their audience but for themselves. I can't make myself say anything about a song about their dad dying. The line "This kind of thing happens to other dads, It doesn't happen to mine," kills me every time I hear it. It may not be for me but I appreciate this song a lot. 2085: A great outro that I think ends on a appropriate thematic end for the album. The album starts at wondering who you are, to examining certain parts of your emotions and thought processes, to examining outside forces in their lives. To end the album on the lines, "I gotta get better, I'm all that I've got" is such a good way to describe the whole entire album. TLDR: I recommend a listen whether you're a fan of AJR or not. I'm sure you'll find a song or two to like off this album. Also it ain't to long, only 45 mins, so not to much of an investment to listen to. 7/10

#music review #ajr #ajr band #music #the maybe man #long post #Spotify

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purrincess-chat · 3 months

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blue guitar boy + 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 13, 18, 19, 25

have fuuunnnn answering

Rae, you glutton for punishment, you XD

Fair warning for those who maybe don't know the history here, this answer will be salty~

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

His relationship with Marinette was short lived and stripped of any meaningful content

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character

That he got off essentially with no punishment for LYING TO MARINETTE'S FACE and keeping secret that HE KNEW HER FUCKING IDENTITY and she doesn't even get mad at him for lying about it, and the narrative doesn't punish him for it either in any meaningful way. I mean, I was happy he had to leave for a while, but then him learning Mirakungfu is just ehhhh I'd have preferred he just never found out and left anyway to go travel with Jagged. I also hate that Jagged is canonically his dad/a deadbeat dad. I liked Jagged significantly more before that was canon, but after that being canon it kind of ruined his character for me ngl...

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Not really a song-song per se, but I think of jacksepticeye's Night in the Woods playthrough when he's like "why is there always some douchebag with a guitar who's like 'I sing about my feelings cause I play guitar'" and that is always the first thing that comes to mind when I think about him. Also, since seeing the Barbie movie I think of that one scene with all the Kens playing guitar at the Barbies, and I love that movie so much for pointing out how cringy it is.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

They make him more attractive when they draw him than he actually is in canon

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Literally everything else XD People who have been here a long time know about birthdaygate. I hate that they pretend he is better than Adrien, I hate that they act like the love square is toxic and their ship should have been endgame, I hate that they take key traits from Adrien and give them to the blue boy in order to make him more interesting but then shit on Adrien and act like he's the worst character in the show and somehow a creep/abuser toward Marinette/LB while propping up the blue boy on a pedestal as if he's god's gift to the fandom, I hate that they excused away him lying to Marinette about knowing her identity and even praised him for it when literally a season prior to that they shit on Adrien for finding out in CB and not telling her when she just literally had no idea and never asked, but when blue boy gets asked point blank if he knows, he lied and somehow that was perfectly fine and acceptable and they were glad he finally did something selfish/for himself for once. Literally, every time I read a take by blue ship truthers, I feel like my braincells die.

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

I don't have much of a reason for this, but I feel like he would sign off most of his messages with a peace sign ✌️

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

That one episode with Juleka wanting to model was kinda cute when he was encouraging her

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Marinette~

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

Listen, for those that are like why so negative about the blue boy, Cat? What did he ever do to you? I want it to be known, that my first impression of him was very neutral. I didn't love or hate him. He was just okay. I thought he was a little bland, but I was open to seeing where he would go. The fandom 100% ruined him for me entirely. Canon helped later in S4 as I've already talked about, but it was mostly the fandom. Birthday spamming bitches. But when he first debuted, I just thought he was kinda meh, which was a crime apparently. But since then I've been more open with my disdain, so idgaf about it anymore. He's still mid imo.

Send me a character and some numbers

#cat replies #asks #ask game #blue one salt #blue boy salt

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importantkidspyfarm · 2 years

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The Next 365 Days (2022)

This series has been a rollercoaster. And this final installment has been a series of those slanting turns that feel like they will turn into loops but never do. That said I will miss this.

This is no real order. Just my brain processing what I'm watching.

Spoilers. Duh!

Massimo be threatening anybody.

So how long do you stay after the decree is handed down? Until either party can't handle the awkwardness?

Massimo won't bang her because she got shot, but had no problem banging her for hours when she had a heart condition.

Plot, actual plot!

Not shoes on the bed. oh no no no no!

Laura is dedicated to these Fiacchi drawers.

Shower in the same space as the master suite seems sexy, until Aunt Irma comes to visit and you've got a clot coming out.

What's the NDA like for house staff?

Be quiet? Sir they were behind a thin curtin in a metal tube, 20,000 feet in the air, listening to you get a very aggressive blow job from a random flight attendant. Trust and believe sex with your wife is the most normal thing they could hear.

Also there is an employee orgy in this movie.

I love the intimacy of Laura and Olga's friendship.

Once again, every pair of sunglasses is fire.

The music is better.

The Torricelli's are in the business of Drugs, clubs(dance, strip, & both), restaurants, gambling, blackmail, and wine. Diversify.

Labels restaurant bad, proceeds to show delicious looking food, attentive service and nice atmosphere.

No Domenico sexiness? Really no Domenico. Instead we get a bunch more Tommy. Who the fuck even is that? It's bull shit.

We should've seen Laura and Massimo dance together.

We never see them happy and domestic together.

That whispered "My fault". Whew.

Him carrying her to bed. Aww.

Smart houses. Bad idea. When the wifi goes out the house is done for.

Him in them low sitting black track pants go straight the vagina every time.

Mass: Leave.

Laura: Stay.

Me as the stripper:

Should've done a handy at the club. Also the song is good.

Not her happy and smiling in the Nacho fantasy. Uh oh.

Wake up head. The best.

No marmalade for you.

Who is Giuseppe and how is he still alive if he keeps fucking up?

Massimo in the shower. Give me more.

He tossed that band and them glasses down like a toddler.

What man thought having business meeting in strip clubs was cool? He needs to be on a list. That's weirdo behavior.

Someone get Olga a brush. Three movies and not once have they combed her hair.

They really said let's make Laura and her new business partner look exactly alike. I was so confused.

So much Domenico and Olga wedding planning only to see no wedding.

This was very light on the ho antics.

Why is Domenico not the guy at the tennis court. Tommy is a little too fresh with Massimo for me.

Since when did Olga start calling her Lari? 2 whole movies not once all of a sudden she never says Laura. Same for Olo.

Not this heffa shoulder checking my man. He has the right to be upset. He didn't cheat on you and you ran off with another man.

What the fuck is this coked up sex orgy? Are you all not coworkers. What's Monday like? *avoiding eyes because you're sure watching your colleague get his ass are made your dick just a little harder*

Blowhole tits gimp.

Tommy left so quick. He said, "I have a wife and a new born at home. Y'all be easy."

I love Massimo resisting temptation as he has flashbacks to the night at the club with Laura.

I'll hide you with my body. Proceeds to scream and draw attention to self.

Olga is not they type of friend you take everywhere.

I thought the designer was banging Nacho.

He was cute.

Why is Olga getting the fashion expo invitation. Why not the designer and why is she not going? What is Laura's position here?

The designer hates Laura. Why did she sell a portion of the business if she wasn't interested? Was it blackmail? Was she desperate for the money?

I'm genuinely upset that she cheated. On the verge of tears. I need to go touch grass

Thought that was Laura and Mass having make up sex. Very disappointed it was not.

The state of this hotel room. Clean it up.

Marcello! I thought his name was Ignacio hence Nacho. Maybe it's his middle name.

That's not his sister! They were necking.

I thought Domenico was going to show up with a sexy surprise for Olga. At least catch her flirting with other guys and fuck it out of her.

Three indecipherable accents. Polish, Italian, and Spanish.

Dream Nacho be putting it down.

That white dress was so boring.

The fashion show clothes were good.

Weren't they in Lagos for a business meeting?

Shadow of a man. He spent two weeks with her.

Finds out "brother" kidnapped and plotted to kill woman. Not speaking for a week is punishment enough.

Nacho keep him a job. Gardener, now cabbie.

Pacing! The lack of it is irritating.

They made Olga very annoying this movie.

Since when was Laura a motorcycle chick.

Her parents house is nice.

I'm not the only one who thought she was going to get in the fountain at Nachos house, right?

Real Nacho put it down.

This beach scene is giving the boat scene a run for its money.

"I'm not like him, I won't force you to do something". You got him there Nacho. Get your girl.

Did Mass see them fucking at the beach?

Ooh, mad Mass is kinda hot.

How is she mad at him? Not only did he not cheat on you, he also found out you were pregnant and lost the baby. Then finds out you're falling in love with someone else and he killed his twin brother. He is going through a lot. And still not once has she asked him how he's doing.

For a mafia dons wife she loves having him not know where she is. Idk about you but after two kidnappings and two murder attempts I'd want my husband to be able to find me.

That hotel stationery was nice.

Her crying after he leaves is a really good moment.

Where is the heart problem!?!?

Nacho describing how he fell in love with her. I'm crying.

Nacho risking all out war for this broad just to get that heart broke. Suck his dick from the back.

Why can't she have both? Let this woman live!

If you think your friends husband is going to kill her why are you letting her go back to the house?

Nacho is finna drive them off a cliff!

Not him getting out the cab. Oh he messy

I need Nacho to have a love interest outside of Laura and his sister.

Have the mom make pierogi. A callback.

They really cut the brat x daddy kink out after the first one. Which is weird because that’s what draws people to the series. Sure it’s not my thing (Laura get out the fountain, you’re an adult) but I’ll risk the kink occasionally. And sneaking out to go to dinners doesn’t count .

Mom is right, women should be a little selfish in relationships.

Are they about to kiss? OMG OMG OMG! Laura, you selfish bitch! Go back to sleep.

I for sure thought she was about to get kidnapped at lunch with her dad. By the nosy nuns.

Is Laura famous in Poland? Them nuns was staring hard. I know that one was Blanka.

Did Laura tell her parents the whole story or did she leave out both kidnappings? And the murders.

I know that's not how this ends. Where is their final sex scene?

I know the credits not about to roll.

Not with a bang but with an, "Are you back, Baby Girl?".

Massimo and Laura only have sex twice! And one fake out. That's bull shit. I didn't need to see the nameless designer bang fake Nacho.

When does that English translation of the third book come out because, baby, I need these plot holes filled.

I'm going to miss this series so much. Thank the gods for rewatching.

#the next 365 days #365 days movie #michele morrone #anna maria sieklucka #blanka lipińska #mafia romance #romance movies #daddy x brat #brat x daddy #massimo x laura #don massimo torricelli #massimo torricelli #nacho matos #laura x nacho #nacho x laura #netflix #simone susinna

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acecreamcone · 7 months

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Warning: Below, I will be talking about The Marvels a lot, and I do mean a lot. It might be a little rambling. I just needed to get it all out. I wasn't sure what to expect going in. I really didn't want to believe all the negativity surrounding it, but I am so happy I went!

Firstly, Nick Fury's ability to instantly vibe with all the Marvels? Him and Kamala giving each other little smirks while fighting was just great. They didn't even know each other. Him and Carol must have chats over coffee every weekend. They have to. Monica immediately going into immense detail about her switching theory and Nick listening to every word while fighting off a Kree soldier. I loved it.

The Flerken kittens! That scene set to Cats' Memory? The pure joy that scene brought me! I feel like on paper it would be a scene I'd be skeptical about but how could I not adore it?

I have yelled so much about Carol Danvers' ballgown. I wish we had more instances like this. Heroines should have the opportunity to be feminine and beautiful and badass if they want. I'm so glad we got this scene. I wish it was longer though. I understand it could be because of the short runtime (and it's probably very subjective) but when I heard about the musical element I expected at least one full length song that would've been stuck in my head for days after.

The dynamic the team had was awesome. You could tell they were having fun with each other training and figuring out the switching, but I'd like to think half of that was just genuinely having a good time. I do wish we got a little bit more into the emotional bits though, like how Kamala felt leaving behind the Skrulls and seeing this new side to hero life and her idol, or how Monica felt like she'd been abandoned. Even Carol's reaction to Monica sacrificing herself. I suppose you could say she felt like she had to be strong for Kamala or that she still had a job to do in reviving Hala's star, but even then, I thought when we saw her doing that, we might've got a shot of her letting her emotions out, breaking down or screaming in sheer agony or willpower to honour Monica like this.

I really liked Kamala's introduction in the movie. I'm glad they kept the animations and comic strip sequences for her because they were one of my favourite parts of her show. It was different, fun and light just like her. It might've been nice to see it be carried on throughout the movie but I get how it might not have fit the tone. Maybe in the lighter scenes like when they were training and dancing on Aladna, although there were a few cartoony sparkles there. We already know Kamala's fangirl brain was going wild so I feel like it could've really added to it seeing the scene in her point of view with a few more effects added to it.

Valkyrie and Carol were something I didn't expect but that I could easily get behind. I'd like more exploration of them because as far as I can remember, they only met and fought together in Endgame, so I'd like to know what went on between then and now. I want to know the story. I want to see them growing closer. I want to see more of them.

Overall, I just loved so much of this movie. Was it perfect? No, but no movie is. Still doesn't mean it wasn't a fun time or that I'm not looking forward to a second watch.

#Marvel Cinematic Universe #The Marvels #Carol Danvers #Monica Rambeau #Kamala Khan #Original

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lieblingspulli · 1 year

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Yearning For More: SKZ

W.c: 2.6k

Bang Chan x Reader

Summary: Just a little angsty drabble (if one could call it that) based on some lyrics:

Wanna give myself to you But can you promise me, you'll stay? Don't wanna be here on my own You know it's driving me insane

Let me tell you one thing for sure You're the only one I want more of 'Cause every time you strip away my pride Humble me down to my knees You're exactly what I need, you're exactly

A/N: I listened to For Days and Aphrodite by RINI. Love these songs, love the vibes. It’s giving very: sensual, lovesick, adoring my partner and living for them vibes. I love it, I think it fits Chan very well 😉 But on a serious note, I really think he’d appreciate the artful production of these songs, I wish I could tell him to listen to them. Enjoy!

Masterlist!

SKZ Masterlist

Song Recs:

For Days, RINI

Aphrodite, RINI

Something to Feel, RINI

A Starry Night in Apollo Bay, RINI

Chan had never felt so blind sided in his life. He was always so sure of his surroundings, of his situations. Chan always felt secure in his choices. He always felt confident in his relationships.

Chan was notorious for being the stable one in any of his friendships. He was the advice giver. He was the shoulder lender. He was the hug provider. Chan was the anchor in anyone’s stormy sea. Naturally, Chan prided himself in being such a source of comfort for others. He was happy to let others use him that way.

All of this was to say that Chan couldn’t imagine a world where someone didn’t need him. He got so used to all the people in his life who needed that special someone. He loved to be that person. But, this time it was different.

Usually, when someone tells him they need comfort, Chan gets the usual phrases: hey, can we talk? Or hey Chan, can you be there for me? Sometimes he gets something else, depending on the person. If it’s Felix, it’ll be a shy request for a movie night. If it’s Jisung, usually he asks for feedback on a song he feels deeply about. Leeknow has his own (kinda weird ways) of asking. So on and so forth. Everyone’s got a way of asking. Who is he to judge?

But you stupefied him. You disoriented him in every way possible. You never needed help. You never needed anything. Hell, he couldn’t even get you water without you complaining. You dazzled him like no other. Since when has he been attracted to such stubbornness?

For the past 6 months, you’ve been running laps in Chan’s mind. You sprint sometimes, not allowing him to sleep. You jog sometimes, always on the forefront of his mind, even when he’s eating cereal for breakfast. You leap sometimes, making him giddy when he’s with you. Chan is completely head over heels for someone who refuses his help in anything at all.

Chan knows he can’t quantify his worth with how much he helps people, but he can’t help it. It’s completely ingrained into his brain. You take that concept and completely slam dunk it into the nearest trash can. He knows you aren’t doing it to be rude, you’re an adult, capable of making your own decisions. He knows that. Does he listen to it? No. He still offers to help. To comfort you. It’s the only way he knows how to connect with people.

Ever since you bumped into him at a bingsu shop and gave him your number, you’ve been a constant on his mind. The sweetness of the bingsu you recommended to him is etched onto his tongue, forever associated with the silkiness of your voice. The tenor of your words, scratched into the walls of his head. Chan constantly texted you since that fateful day. On days where you didn’t work till your brain turned off, you went out and got food with him. Sometimes his other team members joined you, but the constant was always you and Chan. He loved it that way.

Ever since you started confiding in him about your worries and concerns in life, Chan had tried so hard to help you. He always listened, always gave you all his attention. Chan always offered you his help. Whether it was emotional or physical support, he always stressed that he was there for you. That would never ever change. But you never took his help.

But tonight. Oh, tonight. One too many drinks, too many strangers around, too much of everything. Chan was overwhelmed. He definitely knew his friends were. This stupid party was a terrible idea. The only reason he was here was because you said you would be there. He dragged Jisung, Seungmin and Changbin along, for his own sake. He had to literally bribe them to come. But he should have never come himself. Now he was confronted with this situation. All of it was too much.

The blue lights hurt his eyes. You tipped back the cup and drained its contents in a second, tops. Chan eyed you, worried about your ability to be standing. Was there smoke coming from somewhere? Honestly, Chan wasn’t too sure, he was a couple drinks in too.

Jisung came sauntering up to the pair.

“Yoooo, I think someone brought a smoke machine!” Jisung laughed and hooked his arm around Chan’s neck. Chan’s drink sloshed around in his cup. Chan felt bad but didn’t know why. He could see you speaking into the ear of someone next to you. The music boomed through the room and all he could hear was the bass.

“I noticed.” Chan said without a second thought. He continued to watch people walk around and dance. Jisung frowned at his tone.

“Hey, are you not having fun? Here, you can have my drink instead.” Jisung swapped out Chan’s drink with his. Chan didn’t really care. Jisung frowned, unsatisfied with how his solution didn’t work. He poked Chan’s cheek.

“Channn, what’s on your mind?” Jisung playfully smiled, trying to light up the mood. Chan spotted you taking a deep breath and starting to fidget a bit in your place. He just wanted to lean over and whisper anything to you. Really, anything would satisfy him. This whole situation was awkward. He couldn’t tell if the lights were moving or not.

Without answering Jisung, and clearly distracted, his friend gave up and walked back to Changbin who was riling up Seungmin to rap to the song playing in a large group of strangers.

Finally, Chan caught your eye. You tilted your eyebrow before looking into your now empty cup. Chan wordlessly offered you his. You shook your head. Damn. Not even a drink. Awkwardness ensued. You were never one to talk to fill the space anyways. Chan couldn’t even hear you talk to your friend, even though you were right next to him. He racked his brain, trying to figure out how to talk to you. The lights slowly transitioned to purple and the smoke thickened. Chan felt uneasy, but he passed it off as being tipsy.

Just as quick as you had tipped back a shot, one of your guy friends appeared in front of you. Chan was now terribly uneasy. His stomach churned.

“Heyyyy, Y/n! You made it!” Chan could hear his obnoxious voice, even over the bass boosted club music. Why was a house party playing club music?

You shouted back a response. Chan didn’t catch your words, the air filling with laughter from the beer table. He strained to listen.

All Chan could hear were glimpses of your conversation. Sometimes he caught words, other times the music died down enough to allow him to hear full sentences. You were talking about your love life. How laughable. He wanted to scream. The music changed to another song. Another wave of laughter and screaming. Probably beer pong.

“Yea, I just feel stagnant. No one wants me I guess.” You laughed out loud. Chan caught that part all right. He sipped his stale mixer in annoyance.

He heard your friend laugh at this. He watched the conversation play out and then he walked away. The feeling in his stomach stayed. Just as he was about to reach over to you and say something, you quickly started walking towards the door. He hesitated, not knowing whether he should follow and potentially be branded a creep or stay in his spot. He chose to do the former.

Following you through the maze of hallways to the front door made him dizzy. He didn’t remember if this is how it looked when he first got here. His mind was hazy, like the fog obscuring the view of his own feet.

As soon as Chan pushed open the front door, a gust of fresh air filled his nose and lungs. Oh god, he needed that. The maze of fog and drinks had made his mind foggy. Chan stepped to the side after letting a couple of girls into the house, trying to look for any sign of you. He only stopped when he saw a figure by the curb, right next to where the trash cans were out by the street. Could that be you? Something about the emptiness of the lawn told him it was.

Chan followed the direction of your figure before stopping some yards away, hesitating at the sound of sniffles. The sounds didn’t quite register in his mind until he realized truly that you were crying.

“Y/n?” He called out carefully. He didn’t want to startle you, as if you were a deer or something. The very concept made him cringe, but he kept that face internal. He called out for you again.

“Y/n? It’s me, Channie.” He called out a little louder this time. The sobs went silent. A couple seconds of silence.

“Leave me alone, Chan.”

Chan barely heard your whisper. He heard pain in your voice. Chan remembered the first time he heard that sweet voice of yours. It was nothing like that right now. That honey dripped voice he knew was now cold, and dripping with heart aching pain. Chan took a step closer to the shadows, not sure whether to sit. His mind was still running slower than usual.

You stayed hunched over your knees as he carefully sat down, closer to you to feel your comfort more than anything.

“I said go away.” Your voice was laced with venom this time.

“What happened?” Chan tried to meet your harsh words with kindness. He could never take offense to anything you said, especially when you were hurt.

“How many times do I have to say that I’m fine!” You lashed out. Chan’s heart wavered, but his heart started to beat faster with courage. He was determined to help you.

“I just wanna help you Y/n. Clearly you’re hurt.” Chan gazed at you with concern. He could see the tears smudging your eye makeup and the glitter sliding down your cheeks. All he wanted to do was wipe them off for you and say everything was gonna be okay. Chan was exercising all the restraint he could.

“All you wanna do is help other people. When are you gonna help yourself Chan.” You spit out. You gazed at him coldly, remembering the amount of times he ignored his own needs, not acknowledging its importance. It made you shiver, you always questioned why he was so giving. Why couldn’t he give to himself? Why did he let so many people depend on him? Wasn’t that just an invitation for vulnerability? Chan blinked at your spiteful comment, not sure where to take it.

“Y/n, I-”

“No Chan. You aren’t listening. I don’t need help. I don’t want help. I’m not a baby, like your little friends inside that house. I can do it myself.”

Chan could hear you choke out the last few words and stammered. He really wanted to reach out to you, do anything, but he felt held back maybe by the alcohol or by his own body.

“Y/n, I don’t think you need help.” He finally spit out. You chuckled and gave him a painful look. He continued.

“I don’t think you need anyone’s help, let alone mine. I want to help you though. Y/n, you are the fiercest person I know. You do anything you set your mind to, on your own too. But sometimes, people need to accept the help they don’t want. So please, Y/n, tell me what’s bothering you. I want to give myself to you. Please.” He pleaded and turned towards you. Your knees both touched. You choked out a sob and fiercely shook your head, denying the truth from yourself.

You weren’t ready to accept this help. You didn’t want it, especially after your so-called best friend told you nobody would date you. His words echoed in your mind, saying you weren’t good enough, that you focused way too much on yourself and that you were selfish.

“You can’t help me Chan. Nobody can and nobody cares anyway. Nobody wants me.” You sobbed, hunching further over your knees. Chan instantly hugged your hunched figure and whispered into your hair.

“Y/n, I don’t care what that guy said, but I can’t live without you. You torture my mind every single day, without a care in the world.” Chan rubbed your back. You continued to sob heavily. He continued.

“There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think that you are the most important person in my life. I revolve around you like the earth does to the sun. You’re my sun, Y/n. You are the brightest star in my galaxy.” Chan’s voice cracked, and he genuinely felt that he had tried to express his feelings as best as he could, but he continued anyway.

You choked out a laugh at his cheekiness, completely interrupting your moment of sadness. He laughed with you. You shivered, cold from the brisk evening air. He held you tighter.

“I really can’t live without you Y/n. I don’t know how else to show you that. I’ve been trying for months.” Chan mumbled into your hair. You leaned up and hugged him back, trying to comprehend the words he was saying.

“I yearn for more. I want more from this. I just-”

“Kiss me Chan.” You interrupted him abruptly.

“What?”

“I said, Kiss. Me. Chan.” You spelled it out for him. He blinked. You pulled him towards you.

The moment your lips met his, you melted into his arms. His kiss felt like home, like the long lost moment that you could never quite grasp. His lips were pillowy and soft, always asking for more. You gave him everything you had. Chan held you tight, as if you might float away any second. The kiss sealed the feelings he had been suffering from for so long. He always yearned for more, but could never grasp it. Your stubbornness to keep him away kept him from telling you just how he felt about you.

Now that you accepted his help, putting your pride aside, Chan gave every last ounce of energy he had towards telling you that he would always be there by your side. To hold. To kiss. To hug. He conveyed this in the movement of his lips, warming up your face. He wanted to scream to you that he’d always be there, one step behind, to push you further and hold you when you fell. You sighed, breaking apart from the one kiss that told you that maybe you were meant for someone after all. That someone was staring back at you, with all the love in the world being held in his eyes.

“You’re so stubborn, you know that right?” Chan giggled. You rolled your eyes.

“So tell me again, about you not living without me.” You grinned at him cheekily and he blushed, still in your embrace.

“Hey, I just wanted to help you.” He sighed. You kissed his lips softly, leading his lips to follow you.

“Okay, so help me then.” You whispered against his lips. Chan felt the fogginess of his mind dissolve. And so he would.

#SKZ #Straykids #skz x reader #skz x you #skz x y/n #Bang chan #Chan #chan x you #leeknow #changbin #hyunjin #jisung #felix #seungmin #jeongin #lovestay #you make straykids stay #Goodnight!

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