#god i was beyond myself that i understood something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

talaok · 6 months

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Hey, I have this huge exam next week, it’s the biggest exam of my life so far and I’m stressed af. I consider myself a chill person but I’m feeling beyond anxious all the time and I have never felt this stressed in my life. It’s so hard to take care of myself rn like I don’t feel like eating but I have to because I’m nauseous and then I can’t find anything I’d like to eat and it makes me more anxious IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE I SWEAR AND APPARENTLY I HAVE TO EAT EVERY FOUR HOURS EVERY DAY BC I’M A HUMAN??

anyway, sorry for oversharing. I was gonna ask if you could write sth with pedro taking care of stressed reader, making sure she eats and is hydrated, filing up her coffee, cuddling with her when she has crying sessions wiping her tears and telling her everything’s gonna be okay and he’s gonna be there for her with every step no matter what. I literally crave comfort right now, and I’d be so grateful if you could write something 🥹

I love how caring and kind you are with asks, thank you so so so much for being here. Love you 💕💕💕💕

pairing: Pedro pascal x reader

a/n: Im so so sorry love, im one hundred percent sure youll do great, but in the meantime, i hope this will make you feel a little bit better, love you💗💗 (this ask did skip the line bc if i posted it two weeks from now it wouldn't have made any sense)

He didn't know how or when, but all of a sudden, all you did was study.

And at first, he didn't really think anything of it, you'd told him about the exam and about how important it was, so he understood, but what he didn't expect, was just how much you'd be studying.

You raised your head only to answer him, and even when you did, it was monosyllabic.

"Have you eaten anything?"

"no"

"did you drink any water today?"

"not really"

And no matter how many times he'd tell you how bad for you that was, the next time he asked, the answers were always the same. And that's exactly why by the second day, he had stopped asking and instead, started doing.

He had conceived a whole plan of attack.

For the days when he, unfortunately, had to go to work, he left two full water bottles and a glass on your desk, and an already cooked lunch in the fridge, so that all you needed to do was heat it up in the microwave.

But on the days when he didn't have to go to work, he took it upon himself to become your personal assistant, and your worst nightmare altogether.

No matter how much you complained, he forced you to take a break at least every two hours, he made sure you were drinking the water he poured into your glass, he made you coffee every time you asked, (always only after having reminded you that you didn't need more coffee but more sleep) and finally, he cooked or ordered all of your favorite foods in the hopes that it would make you feel more like eating (which never seemed to work).

Today, thankfully, he got to stay home, so for the thousand time, he walked into the studio to check in on you.

"hey there" he smiled, watching you half-heartedly wave at him before returning your full attention to your book "I brought you a snack," he said, placing the apple slices on your desk and making a soft laugh flee your mouth.

He had turned into a soccer mom, but god it felt good to hear you laugh again.

He got behind you to start gently massaging what he was sure must have been sore shoulders.

"how's it going?"

"bad" you grumbled, relaxing the tiniest bit at his touch

"I'm sorry" he murmured, leaning down to kiss the crown of your head "you wanna take a break?"

"It's not been two hours yet"

"I know, but I think it would be good for you" he explained "We could take a walk maybe"

You sighed, closing your eyes "I can't"

"sweetheart" he cooed, crouching down to be at your level and turning your chair towards him "you're gonna burn yourself out if you continue like this"

"I know but..." you glanced back at your notes "I can't fail this exam"

"and you're not gonna" he immediately reassured you

He watched something happen behind your eyes,

"not if I keep taking breaks"

"baby-" he murmured, taking your hand in his and watching as your mouth curved downwards for the quickest moment

"I just-I'm so anxious," you said, your voice breaking "I-I can't fail- I just can't"

"hey hey hey" he cooed, his eyes looking for yours "Sweetheart, it's ok"

And that was the moment you couldn't hold it anymore, all the stress and fear you'd been bottling up for days started spilling from your eyes.

"n-no it's not, I-I... I don't even know, I just..." you sobbed, and when you looked at him, he swore he heard his heart break " I feel like shit"

"sugar..." he murmured, wasting no time wrapping his arms around you "I'm so sorry baby," he spoke gently to your ear as his hands stroked your hair and back

You hid your face in his chest as you cried all you had to cry.

"it's all gonna be alright sweetheart, I promise"

But at that, for some reason, you only started to cry harder.

"ok this is it, hold onto me"

And you had just the time to frown, before he had picked you up and walked out of the room and into the living room.

"w-what are you doing?"

"forcing you to take a break"

"I could have walked" A small smile appeared on your lips, and with it, a small wave of relief washed over Pedro's body.

"You've done enough today" he explained, sitting down on the couch with you, and in less than a moment, your whole body had clung to his.

Your left leg was draped over his, and your head was on his chest, as he held you close with both his arms.

"y/n, you're not gonna fail" he started gently "You're the smartest person I've ever met"

"That's not true" you muttered, your words muffled by his body

"yes it is" he insisted "And baby I promise you, that everything is gonna be alright" he swore, slowly running a hand through your hair "and that no matter what, I'm gonna be here for you, ok?"

It took a moment for you to respond, but after a few beats of silence, a muffled "ok" made its way to Pedro's ears.

"yeah?" he asked, again, encouraging you to meet his gaze.

"yeah" you sniffled, as you finally looked up

"Feeling better?"

"yes" you nodded "Thank you"

He tightened his hug, as he bent down, to ghost your mouth "I love you baby" he kissed you "Whatever you need, I'm always gonna be here for you"

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malebodyexhibit · 1 year

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To Break in New Clothing

The guy paid me $50 to wear this jockstrap everyday when I went to the gym. He asked that they get exceptionally sweaty. I’m not one to turn down money for dignity, so I agreed.

I had a suspicion of what he was doing with my jockstrap when I gave it back to him, but that just made me more turned on. I took a drink as I rested between sets. With the 3-inch inseam shorts, I could feel the summer breeze airing my puckered hole. I took a breath and rubbed my hand along my hairy chest, smearing the sweat down my abs toward my dick and balls. Speaking of balls, I adjusted them, rubbing the jockstrap cloth deeper into the swampy groin. I guessed I like the thought of the guy inhaling my stench while he jerked off. He wasn’t attractive, but the fact he wanted to breathe in my man musk was enough to make me precum, and maybe I should charge him more for how much of my precum I soaked the dirty jockstrap with.

When I met the guy again, he handed me the money and I made a show of slipping off my shorts, then pulling off the jockstrap. The rush of cool air caused an immediate reaction to my sweaty cock, but I tossed the strap to the guy and dressed myself again. I was hoping for a bit more, but the guy thanked me and left. I was a bit disappointed. I was hoping for some begging, some desperate attempt to check me out, but nope. It was suspicious, so I decided to follow the guy. What was his deal?

It took a while, but I found the guy in the hills out of the city limits. I hid myself behind some rocks, peeking from the corner, conspicuous as I was with no underwear in running shorts. Then what I saw was impossible.

The guy placed the jockstrap on the ground and uttered some words then... the jockstrap transformed into a cute twink. His hair was messy; he was nude; he was drenched in sweat; and he gave a relaxed, content grin to the guy. He looked beyond satisfied. He pulled on some shorts, and it looked as if he had just completed a run. He was so sweaty.

“God, you stink,” the guy said to the nude twink. “Did you enjoy your day out? I can’t imagine why you like it.”

“I enjoyed it,” the twink said. He slurred his words as he was buzzed. A lazy smile melted on his lips. “He was a sweaty boy today. We worked out and he messaged me against his cock. He was getting hard and I drank his precum. I think he likes it just as much as I do.” The twink started to walk towards the guy.

“Hey, stay away. Take a shower first, then pay me.”

“Why would I shower? I wish I could smell like this forever. Maybe you could make me his gym sock, but I would miss his dick. He finally broke me in, but I’m gonna be broke at this rate.”

I could’t believe what I was hearing. This whole time, the jockstrap I wore and abused with my sweat was actually a person. The thought was hot. With this info, I imagined all the ways I could play with this gay guy--make his dreams come true. I stepped from behind the rocks. Both men glanced at me with wide eyes.

“Hey, I’m gonna need my jockstrap back,” I said. I walked closer to the twink. He smelled absolutely ripe. He smelled like my gym bag, and he needed to get back there.

The twink gave a nervous smile and backed away. “Look man, there must be some misunderstanding.”

“No no, I don’t think I missed understood anything. I want my jockstrap back. I’m not finished with it yet.” I stared him in the eye. “Maybe I want gym socks instead or even a cum rag.” I turned to the other guy, “How much to get what I want?”

The guy stammered and settled on $500. “You say these words to change him.” He spoke something in another language. “And if you want him to become something else, just say it also. But make sure you change him human every once in a while.”

“Why?”

“So he can eat.” The guy seemed confused at my question. “And shower and live his life.”

I stared them both in the eye. “He eats when I tell him to and his life is over. My cum rag shouldn’t worry about his life.” I spoke the word and watched the twink shrunk and fell into the street as a piece of clothing. I swear I saw him smiling, and I had smiled back.

#male body exhibit #male transformation #male transform #transformation #transform #male tf #tf #inanimate object #inanimate transformation #inanimate transform

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igotanidea · 2 months

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Phantom: Jason Todd x ghost!reader

part 2 to Specter

***

He would never say it outloud, not that he had to, but adjusting to living without her took much more time then it should.

When he came back, lost, confused and thrown into completely different reality when Tim replaced him in the role of Robin, when Damian joined the family, when he was apparently no longer welcomed and fitting, Y/N would have been the only familiar thing keeping him from jumping into the abyss of madness.

And now, he had to struggle through every day with the thought of her lingering in the back of his mind, followed by two simple words that seemed to justify his every action and pushing forward.

For her.

For her, because she wouldn’t want to watch you fall into the claws of depression.

For her, since it was the only way to prove he was actually worth something and if there was something beyond the grave, Jason wanted her to be proud of him.

Oh,

To see her, just one more time. To hear her voice, her laugh, to feel the touch of her hand on his cheek, always so gentle and caring, even when he did something stupid or reckless.

His mind was turning in direct proportion to the way his body was tossing in bed unable to sleep.

He missed her terribly, only now realizing how much pain it actually brings to loose someone without hope of ever getting them back into one’s life.

Like never ever.

What it meant to get killed and to kill. Having someone’s all fate in one’s hands, playing God, deciding who was and who wasn’t to survive. And if anything it felt like a heavy burden on his shoulders. Jason never regretted getting rid of the scumbags and criminals of Gotham, cleaning the street, taking on the responsibility neither Batman nor any of his brother were ever capable of pursuing. He knew the consequences, both positive and negative. But for the first time he understood the personal emptiness coming from killing.

If only she was here.

She would probably scoff at him, act indifferent and then say something funny or mocking to diffuse the tension that would make them both laugh and feel at least a bit better about this whole vigilantism mess they got involved in as kids.

Or maybe she would be like Bruce. Rejecting him because he had changed his tactics and methods of operation? After all, he wasn’t so brutal and aggressive when he was Robin, she knew him as.

“Fuck!” he hissed, jumping of the bed, unable to have any rest “Get yourself together Todd!” standing in front of bathroom mirror he clutched the sink, almost breaking it due to the force he put into action. “She’s dead. She’s gone. Who the fuck care of what she would think!?” he looked deep into his own eyes, showing desperation, loneliness, fear and uncertainty for future. Despite not being the one to dwell on the past and overanalyze, he could almost see the little street kid he was years ago looking back at him.

“On the other side of the mirror like a fucking Alice in Wonderland” he muttered to himself, head hanging low.

At least until he noticed a shadow appearing behind his back and reflecting in the glass surface, immediately activating all his fighting instincts.

“WHO THE HELL IS HERE?! GET OUT AND SHOW YOUR FACE YOU COWARD!”

Obviously no one showed up which only spur his aggression further on.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are.” Jason muttered casually, but there was no denying his predatory tone that made the innocent words seem life threatening. “Cause when I find you myself, I’ll make you beg for mercy…” he smirked at the plan already forming in his head as he started searching for the intruder in the whole apartment.

“Is that how you greet an old friend?” a voice, not much louder than a whisper or a rustle of a spring wind bounced off the walls, but there still wasn’t anyone inside.

“SHOW YOURSELF!”

“You know, I can’t remember you being this violent back in the days….”

“THE HELL!?”

“Calm yourself Jaybird, I kinda get what it means to be brought back from the grave.”

“What--?”

Jason’s stutters weren’t interrupted by a thunder or lightning or any other supernatural weather occurrence and yet, the familiar silhouette floating in the air, surrounded by a faint blue glow, almost stopped his heart.

“Y/N?”

“Hey Jaybrird.” She smirked as if she wasn’t a ghost appearing out of thin air. “couldn’t leave me alone even from behind the grave, huh?”

“You’re dead!” he cried out taking a step back even if all his instincts were telling him to run from forward and hold her. The rational part of his brain telling him that she clearly had no body to hold.

‘No more than you I see. How’s life, Todd?”

“Like a second chance that I’m obviously wasting not being a good boy.” He rolled his eyes, suddenly feeling the wave of happiness and familiarity stemming from her presence even in this form.

“Oh, please!” she laughed “good boys are holdovers. Haven’t you heard that girls only fall for the misfits and rebels?”

“Is that why you’re here then? Cause you missed the rebel I became?”

“I’m here because clearly your obsessive thoughts about me became so intrusive that someone up there decided I need to come back and teach you a lesson about leaving dead people in peace.”

“Y/N…” he sighed meeting her eyes, that were still the same e/c orbs he loved so much.

“I know…”

“I missed you…”

“I know…”

Guided my some crazy instinct he approached her, his hand travelling up to cup her cheek, to feel the texture of her skin, but instead meeting the cold air when his fingers permeated the ghost form of his friend/lover.

And it was so fucking depressing. Having her so close and still feeling the distance and separation deriving from the thin line separating two worlds – living and death – unable to cross them. If he knew it would work and they would meet afterlife he would reach for one of his guns and put a bullet in his head right away just to be with her, but the risk of going straight to hell and being divided forever was too great.

So he settled on satisfying his eyes with her half-lucent presence and his ears with the home-like voice.

“I’m sorry-“ she whispered

“No.” he cut her off abruptly, tears almost springing from his eyes at having her but not having her at the same time. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t there for you. I should have been. I should have listened when you told me to stay and not pursue this stupid search-“

“It was not your fault. You were a kid.”

“I should have known better.”

“Neither of us did. And being stupid is a privilege of childhood and teenagerhood.”

“Is that your way of telling me I should be rational and mature now?” Jason teased, pushing the pain away, deep inside.

“Nah.” She laughed softly and it echoed through the empty space like bells “that’s impossible! Not with all I saw you doing.”

“You- you saw?!”

‘I saw. But me calling you out on all your shit is not something why I’m here.”

“Then why are you here Y/N?”

“I have no idea…”

“Is there any way to –“

“Bring me back?”

“Yeah.”

“Straight to the point, huh? Are there anything filthy in your mind that might be the reason of this sudden urge Mr. Todd?” Y/N joked.

“You have no idea.” Something dangerous flashed In his eyes “But seriously, is there?”

“Do I look like a ghost expert?”

“You are a ghost so who better!?”

“Oh, excuse me, let me call Klaus from umbrella academy and ask his expertise.”

“What? He;s a fictional character!”

“Yes, but it’s similar level of abstraction! I have no body, I have no special skills, sorry to disappoint, so even if I was to cast a spell or something-“

“A spell!” Jason interrupted her with the widest grin.

“What?” that sudden change in attitude got her by surprise, brows furrowing in confusion.

“I know an expert on the spells.”

“Please tell me you don’t mean—”

“Oh I do mean!”

“I am not going to take Constantine advice!”

‘Too bad I didn’t ask your opinion on the matter. It’s been decided.”

“Damn, you are an asshole.”

“Yeah, asshole desperate enough to make a fool out of himself if that gets him the girl he’s into back.”

@havikspike

#jason todd x reader #red hood x reader #jason todd x you #red hood x you #jason todd x y/n #red hood x y/n #jason todd angst #red hood angst

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isshua · 1 year

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Breaking the Wall (Find Comfort in Those Who Might Hear You)

Sagau Xiao x Reader

I haven’t been feeling great lately, so I decided to write this little story to cheer myself up. I had this idea about what might happen if Teyvat’s environment were to reflect your emotions whenever you logged on, and by extension whatever character you are currently playing as. I also wanted to write my own play on a character “breaking the fourth wall” in order to communicate with their player. This story follows the more classic sagau trope of how the characters are semi-aware of the fact that they’re living in a videogame but view it as a sort of boundary between their world and ours.

Xiao is a huge comfort character to me and I mostly wrote this for myself as a way to cheer myself up. I thought it came out okay though, so I decided to share it here. Hope you guys enjoy! :)

To break the Wall meant instant termination.

Teyvat made this clear. It would not allow its people to make contact with the divine world. Forging a connection that extended beyond the mechanics of life was simply not meant to be. The Vessels could communicate with the Creator within the bounds of Teyvat’s laws; that was what being a Vessel was all about in the first place. For non-Vessels, then such hopes for communication with the God Above All Gods was impossible. That was how Teyvat was designed. That was how things were meant to be.

Xiao, typically, did not mind following the rules. After all, he was an immortal being with thousands of years of experience in his belt. He knew attempting to break the Wall would result in his death. Long ago, before he had been chosen to be one of the Creator’s envoys, he hadn’t even cared about the Wall. Why would he want to break it? Meddling in such matters was not of his concern. His duty was to protect Liyue, nothing more.

But then he got to know you. And his feelings for you only grew. When you chose to, you guided him through his daily tasks with kind words and praising whispers. When your golden light possessed him, his karmic debt would dissipate and he would feel a thousand years younger than he really was. You took him to places he never dreamed of seeing: the peaks of Dragonspine, the streets of Inazuma City, the dunes of the Sumeru desert. With you, there was a sense of adventure. With you, there was excitement. With you, he felt whole.

You did not speak often, not that he was bothered by it. He was an introverted soul, one who appreciated the silence between the two of you whenever you would travel together. Occasionally you would comment on the environment or the enemy he was fighting. Sometimes you grew frustrated after completing domains-not with him, he understood, but rather with the horribly mediocre artifacts the two of you would receive. He liked it when you laughed. The noise was so clear and invigorating, he found himself hoping to hear it every time you appeared. He liked when you would softly hum some unknown tune from the faraway land you inhabited. He loved it when you acknowledged him, how he was a stronger and better version of himself only because of your dedication to him despite knowing the many sins he has committed. If you could have known the impact you had on him, you might find it amusing to see how easy it had been to steal the aloof Yaksha’s heart.

There were so many things about you that he loved. But there was one single thing he hated.

He hated it when you cried.

The day began as a typical one. You had not possessed him for the entire week, not that this was something to be worried by. You typically did disappear due to some strange thing called ‘college,’ but you always came back. Xiao largely spent his day patrolling Dihua Marsh, slaying monsters, and saving the occasional mortal from dying at the hands of hilichurl tribes. He did not interact with anyone beyond stiff acknowledgment; the only person he did talk to on a regular basis was the Traveler, and the last he heard of them, they were somewhere in Sumeru, ever exploring, always curious.

Your presence was not anticipated, but it was welcomed. When your golden light descended upon him during late afternoon and he felt your presence tugging at his mind, he felt contentedly unsurprised. Your voice echoed his name: “Xiao. Let me in.”

He did not resist and allowed your influence to settle within his body. “You called?” he murmured, halfheartedly hoping for a reply. You never did answer him whenever he greeted you, but that was due to the Wall. Conversations were strictly one-way.

He waited for you to take control. Whether it meant being teleported somewhere or just taking off into Dihua Marsh, he knew the two of you would be off eventually. He waited. And waited. A minute went by. He did not move.

“Your Grace?” he called out, puzzled. He could feel you, he knew you were there. So why weren’t you interacting? Surely you didn’t appear just to stare at him, right? What is going on?

Something wet fell onto his hand.

He looked up at the sky and immediately noticed the ugly gray clouds gathering overhead. A filter of mundane color cast out the light of the sun. Droplets of rain started pattering down onto his face, his hair, and his clothes, leaving him drenched. But he did not stop staring. Because within his head, he could hear soft sobbing.

The Creator was weeping. And so Teyvat weeped along with them.

The first thing he felt was anger. Who hurt you? he wanted to ask. Who would dare make you cry? But as he listened to your cries and watched the rain come down, he realized that anger would do nothing to help. He could not solve your problems. After all, he was in Teyvat, and you were somewhere else entirely. His second reaction was to comfort you, but he could think of nothing to say. The issue of you two being separated was still in effect. The Wall would not allow him to offer you any consoling words. He had no choice but to let you suffer alone.

But by the Archons, you were making his heart ache. Xiao was one to usually think that tears were for the weak, but he could not make himself see you in a pathetic light. Would it not be pitiful of him to deem his Creator as a lamentable coward? He didn’t even know why you were crying. You could be in danger!

That’s when he decided. I have to make contact with them.

It was a nearly impossible feat. But he knew he could do it.

Break the Wall. Establish communication.

He had never heard of anyone doing it before. Not even Rex Lapis, the strongest god he knew, dared mess with such an unpredictable, mysterious force of power. The Wall was not hard to find, but it took willpower to face it. Xiao didn’t know if he would perish the moment he did, or if it would take time for him to dissolve away. There were too many possibilities of failure. He could think of no way this sudden plan of his would lead to success.

But your crying was like a million arrows piercing into his heart, and the pain of his karmic debt was rising as he continued to soak in your negative emotions. He was hurting right along with you-but if he could only talk to you, things could be made right.

Xiao held out his hand, and his jade spear materialized. He braced himself and raised the polearm high into the air. Focusing on the ground beneath him, he concentrated and felt his surroundings. The energy of Teyvat came to him quickly, most likely due to being exposed to your power for so long…and then he pinpointed it. The moment of weakness. He brought his spear down with every bit of strength he had and tore into the fabric of reality. A gaping hole of darkness ripped right under his feet. He did not scream when he fell in, nor did he grunt in pain when he slammed into a glass-like surface after his short freefall. Everything was dark, except for the millions of green bolts of electricity racing all around him at the speed of light. Your golden glow encompassed him and fended off the overwhelming power this Abyss-like area radiated.

He looked at his hands. His weapon was nowhere to be seen, and the tips of his fingers were…glitching. In fact, his entire body seemed to be crackling-falling apart and knitting itself back together with technic shrieks. It was a sure sign that he was in a place not meant for him. He had done it; he had broken through the Wall. Now he was beyond it, but where, he did not know. Surely this can’t be the Creator’s domain, he thought. This place was far too dark, and there was no hint of your aura anywhere except for within him. But it had to be the realm in which he would form a connection with you.

He could still hear your crying, but now, it was less ‘in his head’ and much more clear. Xiao walked forward, his footsteps echoing against the glass floor. “Your Grace!” he called. “Can you hear me? It’s me, Adeptus Xiao!”

No answer. He was utterly alone in this place…but the sound of your crying was getting undeniably louder. Xiao pinpointed on the direction in which it was coming from and took off. With each step he took, the glow of your light grew brighter. He took that as a sign of goodwill.

And then, he saw you. You were sitting at a strange looking desk with your head buried in your arms. Xiao slowed to a walk and crept tentatively up to you. He had never seen your physical form before, and only had a minor grasp of your appearance from the various statues of you scattered across Liyue and the abstract depictions of your form in history books. To be honest, he had been expecting you to be a bit more…god-like. The person in front of him did not look like an all-powerful deity. They were ordinarily mortal, and possessed no external qualities that differentiated them from the average human being.

But then you lifted your head to scrub your tears away, and his breath was lost within his chest. Within your eyes he could see countless stars, and flecks of gold were scattered through your hair. All around you, there was an explosion of light, and Xiao was exposed to the warming feeling of your aura at an even greater intensity than usual. This was you. You might have looked human, but you were undeniably, most definitely his god.

“Your Grace,” he uttered, kneeling at your side. “It’s alright, I’m here now. I heard your cries. You called out my name. Please, let me speak to you.”

You didn’t respond. The connection still wasn’t there. Xiao tried again. “Your Grace, can you hear me?”

You let your head flop back into your arms and continued to sob. Xiao leaned back on the balls of his feet and couldn’t help but growl in frustration. That damned Wall was still keeping you and him apart! What more did he have to do in order to simply talk to you?

His eyes flitted to the strange device set up on your desk. It had the appearance of a box, but at its front there was a screen, and on it was displayed a shrunken image of Dihua Marsh. This must be a divine mechanism. It’s a way for you to forge contact with Teyvat. What…what would happen if he touched it? Would that finally allow him to communicate with you? He had his doubts, but it was worth a shot.

Without hesitation, he pressed his palm over the screen. There was a jolt of energy that started at his fingertips, then rocketed through his entire body. He shuddered at the electrocuting sensation and refused to allow himself to flinch away, even when every instinct in his body was telling him to do so. The Wall was trying to repel him; like hell he was going to allow it to do that.

With his other hand, he reached out to you. At first, he was nervous to touch you, for why should a creature tainted by karmic debt and innocent blood be allowed to embrace the God Above All Gods? He shakily slipped his hand over your cheek and raised your head. Your cries stuttered, and your eyes widened open in confusion. You were not looking at him, but rather at your divine mechanism’s screen.

“Don’t cry,” Xiao whispered. He swiped your tears away with his thumb. “There is no need to cry. I’m here. I’m with you.”

He desperately hoped you could hear him. He hoped even more that you would reply.

You had no idea what the hell was going on.

Today was a horrible day. A day filled with anxiety and embarrassment and ruined expectations that things might go right, only for them to go wrong. When you returned to your room and let yourself collapse into your desk chair, you thought playing your favorite game might cheer you up. After all, losing yourself in a fantasy world was practically the best way to forget what the real world was like.

You logged into Genshin Impact and found yourself where you left off last time you played: in Dihua Marsh. Your current character was Xiao, and he stared blankly out at you while you waited for the game to catch up with your internet and for everything to load in. But you did not feel any happier. In fact, you felt worse. The events of the day were just too much to simply forget, and pretty soon, your hand slipped off of your mouse as you slumped forward onto your desk and started to cry. It did not feel good to let your emotions out. The sobs shaking your body were ugly, and the tears staining your cheeks made you feel gross. But you couldn’t stop, and frankly, you didn’t expect to for quite some time. These were tears you had been holding in all week; it was only a matter of time before the dam broke and the water came rushing out.

You did not expect to feel a sudden intuition to lift your head. You did not expect for your body to automatically follow that intuition, either. It was like someone was lifting it for you, and when your blurry eyes raised to focus on your computer’s screen, you were shocked to see that the in-game chat box had a message in it. It didn’t make any sense. You weren’t in a co-op world, and you were pretty sure you were far too preoccupied with crying your eyes out to accept someone’s co-op request. Could it be a glitch? Far too curious for your own good, you clicked on the chat box and opened it.

Two words had been sent to you by an unknown entity with no icon. “Don’t cry.”

“What…?” you mumbled.

More messages appeared. “There is no need to cry.”

“I’m here.”

“I’m with you.”

This had to be some sort of joke. Someone hacked your account. This had to be a real person.

It was then that you noticed Xiao was gone.

“I know what it feels like to break. I understand what you are feeling.”

“Just know that I am here for you. I will always be here for you. All you have to do is call out my name.”

“Xiao?” you breathed.

You felt the phantom sensation of someone wiping your tears. The scent of Qingxin flowers wafted fainty around you.

“Yes,” the chat-box answered. “I am here.”

#genshin impact sagau #genshin sagau #sagau #self aware genshin #sagau x reader #xiao x reader #adeptus xiao #genshin impact fanfiction #xiao fanfic #I love xiao #he's so babygirl

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fallingdownhell · 1 year

Text

Decisions to be made

A Kaeya Alberich (x Reader) Oneshot

Summary: When all is said and done, Kaeya still had to choose his side in the end. But what if he can’t? How could he possibly choose between the life the build for himself and the life the was supposed to lead?

Content: gender neutral reader; can be read as both romantic or platonic relationship with reader; angsty; talk/mention of depression/self doubt; Kaeya just desperatley needs a hug;

Word Count: 1.6k

Sooo... this is a little something that I have been working on for a very, very long time now and I finally felt good enough about it to share it with the world.

It’s gonna be angsty again, I tried not to hold myself back this time and I’m actually pleased with the outcome. I’m normally very critical with myself and my writing, so I’m glad I liked this one.

As always, feel free to tell me what you thought of this little piece, as well as point out any mistakes.

Happy reading!

The stars and the moon alike shone bright in this cloudless night. Only few people ever look up at this hour to gaze upon the sky. They really could be pitied, for they will probably never realize the beauty above them on nights such as this.

Because Kaeya, unlike most other human beings, had a very difficult future ahead of him. He knew his time was drawing closer with every passing day. The time where he had to make one final decision.

It was also on those nights, where Kaeya liked to sit on top of the highest cliff in all of Mondstadt, blankly staring at the suns replacement in the sky. It always felt like his head was empty at these times, no thoughts at all, just a breeze through his hair and the light that shone from above. And yet, at the same time, his head was filled with all sorts of doubt and surpressed insecurities.

The choice between Mondstadt, the City of freedom, where he buildt a life for himself. And although it wasn’t always the best and by far not the most luxurious one, it was still his own. But then there was the other side, the side of his home land, Khaenri’ah. He still felt a very strong urge to stay loyal to his land, after all, for the longest time, he thought he was the sole survivor of that catastrophe.

But then, one fateful day, a certain traveling man approached him, revealing his identy to Kaeya. To say that he had been shocked, would be the understatement of the decade. He never thought it possible for another soul to have survived the war against the Archons. Of course he was beyond disbelief when Dainsleif told him everything that has happened to him.

Because he remembered Kaeya. Even if he was not of royal blood, he was still from the family that reigned over Khaenri’ah after none of the real royal family remained. And with Dainsleif being head of the royal guard, he still wanted to uphold his vows, even if their nation wasn’t there anymore.

So in a sense, Kaeya also felt indebted to him, just like he felt towards the Ragnvindr family who once took him in and raised him as their own.

But when he looked at Dainsleif, he could see the pure rage the man held towards the world of Teyvat and their Archons. The blonde was burning to get his revenge on the gods and everyone else involved in the war. And Kaeya understood that desire better than anyone else. He too wanted to make those suffer who destroyed their lifes.

But... could he do that, if the price was everything else he had build for himself?

So deep in his thoughts, staring at the vast land in front of him, Kaeya didn’t notice the other person approaching him until they made themselves known just a few steps behind him.

“I figured I could find you out here.”, you spoke, and your voice raised a few goosebumps on Kaeya’s skin. Somehow, you always managed to find him when he was in that state of mind. When he wanted nothing more than to be alone and drown in all of these thoughts in his head, you were always there alongside him, giving him this feeling that he isn’t alone after all.

So, like he often did when you found him, Kaeya simply closed his eyes instead of a snarky answer, which told you what you needed to know. That he was fine with you being here with him. You didn’t comment on it, just made your way next to the man, sitting down by his side and simply observing the night sky.

It could almost be described as peaceful. The silent night, the low breeze coming from the sea and the overall calming atmosphere.

Well, almost... if you didn’t already know why the cavalry captain was out here again.

“You know.. You really do have a habit of always finding such beautiful places.”, you started again after a few minutes of comfortable silence. Turning your head, you looked at Kaeya, only to find him staring up at the sky.

So, it was that bad, huh?

“Tell me, Kaeya. What’s going on in your head again?”

“Just... the same old. You know the gist of it by now.”, the man replied, though you could tell that he wasn’t being honest with you.

“No, that’s not it. I mean sure, it may be a part of it. But that’s not what really concerns you, right?”

At that, a small smile made it onto Kaeya’s lips, letting his head fall down a little before his gaze fell upon you. “Well, would you look at that. You really can read me like an open book, it seems.”, he said in a teasing tone.

“Learned from the best, after all.”, you replied back in the same tone. Small laughs were exchanged before silence fell once again. You waited again for a few minutes for him to start talking again, but when nothing came again, you spoke up once more.

“Please, Kaeya. Talk to me. You know I’ve always been there for you and I won’t go away anytime soon either.”

That sentence really made him look at you properly for the first time that night, as he seemed to think about what you just said.

“You’re right. It’s just.. recently there have been a few... changes, you could say, in my life.”, he tried to explain to you, while also trying to not give anything away to you. Though Kaeya trusted you like he trusted himself, he couldn’t bring himself to be completely honest with you either, in fear of you abandoning him after all once you found out who he truly was. Experience is the best teacher, as they always say..

“And I guess, you can’t tell me what those changes are exactly, right?”, you deduced after he fell into a silence again.

“Yes. And I’m sorry for leaving you in the dark like that.”

“You don’t have to apologize. If it’s something that you’re not comfortable sharing with me, that’s fine. I just want to make sure that you are okay, Kaeya.”

“Well, that’s the thing, (name). I’m not okay! I know that I have to face a decision soon and I can’t seem to make up my mind on it. But I also know that choosing neither side isn’t an option for me at this point and I don’t know what I should do or what I’m supposed to do!”

It was only after Kaeya was finished did he realise that he started screaming somewhere in the middle of this sudden outburst. He kept still for a second, before he looked at you, fearing that you would turn your back on him now after this. But to his surprise, you only looked at him in understanding and, as much as he hated that look normally, pity. But for some reason, seeing it now only made him more aware of the hopeless situation he was in.

No matter what he was going to choose, he would loose some aspects of his life... of himself.

“Do you feel better now?”, was the first thing you said, surprising the cavalry captain a bit. But, he had to admit, he did feel a little bit better. It seems that shouting his problems out actually did help him. Who would have guessed..

“I do, surprisingly. Thank you.”

At that, a smile began to make its way on your lips again, and Kaeya just couldn’t help himself. Your smile had always been contagious to him, it felt unnatural not to smile as well when you were doing it at him.

“But,”, he spoke again, soon returning to his defeated behaviour from before. “that doesn’t do anything to help me. I appreciate it, (name). I really do. But the question of what I’m supposed to do, still stands.”

“Hmm..”, you pondered on that question for a while as well, turning your gaze upon the stars as he did at the beginning of the night. Like the answer to his question could somehow be found up there.

“Have you thought about, what YOU want?”

Your question left him speachless for a second, not quite understanding what you could mean by it. Surely he couldn’t let his personal feelings get involved in a matter like this.. right?

“Think about it like that. Forget about what you should do or what people may expect of you. Think about what you truly want. I know you don’t like cliché stuff like that, but try listening to what your heart is telling you.”

And he did try. For what felt like an eternity, Kaeya sat there, just figuring out what he was feeling and what his “heart” told him would be right for him.

And in the end, he finally understood it a bit better. In the end, it all came down to one simple decision. One he had made a lot in his lifetime, that he sometimes regretted and other times, not.

The decision, if he could burry his own feelings, drown them out and not listen to them. Or if he would listen to it, and let himself be vulnerable once again.

The last time he decided to listen to his heart and come clean, was the night he almost night and gained his vision.

Kaeya swore to himself the next morning that he would never do anything like that again. He would never show anyone his true feelings and intentions ever again..

But now..?

Maybe.. just maybe..

And it was in that moment, that Kaeya could finally make his decision.

“Thank you, (name). I know what I have to do now...”

Part 2 coming out soon...

#genhsin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin angst #genshin impact angst #kaeya x reader #kaeya alberich #kaeya angst #kaeya x reader angst

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ineffabeatlemindpalace · 2 months

Text

How Our Flag Means Death impacted my life

It’s been said so many times but the impact this to show has had on me is beyond comprehension. I am still living in the aftermath. Every day, I cannot grasp my luck of finding it and loving it. Hyperfixation or not, it’s been a while so I conclude it is safe to be put as a special interest by now; to care so much about something that makes you feel good and understood, is utterly important to have, I have realised.

My experiences in other, different, fandoms on Twitter as a teenager, have been very different and I guess it has something to do with growing up and learning more about yourself as much as it has to do without approach and handling of it all – we are all here for this show and we are damn grateful for its existence. We do not take it for granted and so we lovingly create more art and thereby put more love into the world. Isn’t this what life is all about? Adding care and love.

Coming back to my point, ever since starting to watch Our Flag Means Death, I have had this inner sense of calm inside of me, which I never had before.

It is hard to explain but I did notice that my sensory issues, especially misophonia, have been less of a problem. And that is huge. There is one noise source in particular, which is the fridge, if you want to know, but it can be triggered by anything, and I have been struggling with this for many years… There only has to be some trigger, such as the wind howling too strongly or any other sound, really, and I feel like the world is going to collapse because every thing gets too loud and too much.

Now, for a few months, it hasn’t been like that. It was almost scary at first due to the unfamiliarity of the absence of, well, mental pain…

Regarding the show’s successful portrayal of queerness – yes, that has been life–changing for me as well.

I have identified as nonbinary as long as I can think. I vividly remember this specific moment from my childhood when I was sitting there, on my own, thinking, I do not feel like a girl, I do not feel like any gender, I just feel like myself. It’s a strange memory to have but it was so vivid that I treasure how it stuck with me.

When I was a teenager, I never had any romantic, God forbid sexual, interest, except for the occasional crush on a boy or girl, which naturally made me conclude that I was bi or pan. As of today, I am still not feeling any of these attractions. However, as I explain in this post, some kind of attractions have been felt. One thing is clear, if I do feel anything beyond, it would be for any gender.

The show basically says, whatever, we’re all queer, and that is so beautiful and validating to me because my family and other surroundings are so heteronormative that I often question my validity and worth.

There have barely ever been other queer people in my immediate surroundings, which means that acceptance or even understanding is not something that I would expect.

In hindsight, this is a big part of why I always struggled with confidence and self-love.

There is a lot I could write about my family history but I will just shorten it to, I did grow up without a father from the age of 7 and my relationship with him is rather torn.

I am so moved by how they decided to give Ed and Stede these backstories regarding their relationship with their fathers and families and portray these issues in such a delicate and serious manner and how they can impact your whole life.

I am thankful for how serious they have taken all of these things.

These are characters that have experienced similar difficult upbringings and are struggling with the consequences into their adulthood.

I have never gotten an official diagnosis but from my childhood experiences and later struggles in life it is safe to say that I am neurodivergent. The relationship with my mother is very difficult as well, which definitely played a part in how I never understood that some of my behaviour and so on was a result of being different in that way instead of deliberate. During my childhood and teenage years, there have been instances of different kinds of abuse, however I will not elaborate further.

These struggles are always individual and personal but I will just say that I do suffer from the fear of being abandoned and yes, it makes maintaining relationships, such as friendships, challenging.

Because you constantly feel like you do not deserve anyone caring about you or enjoying your company. Genuinely, I have never believed this.

Even if I have learned to like myself more and be confident in my abilities. I still feel like a burden whenever I am with someone else. It doesn’t go away. Part of it is due to struggling with social cues as well as the general preference of being alone.

And I do enjoy my own company. But it would be nice to one day find someone I can fully trust and freely share my thoughts with.

Basically, what Ed and Stede have found in each other… and I guess what makes them so different to other ships is not only that they are actually a canon couple but the way they are so natural and gentle with each other?!

They accept each other wholeheartedly.

They see each other in such a genuine way… unconditionally. Not without hardships but always with such a willingness to make it better, to keep fighting, continue to live for the sake of love and love only.

Another serious struggle has been my eating disorder (anorexia) which (along with overexercising) lead me to have secondary amenorrhea for many years, which in turn, was a very blissful thing for me due to gender reasons. A big thing that has happened shortly after discovering the show has been my period coming back. My reaction was denial, then anger, then determination that I would not let this bring me down…

The show did ground me in that emotionally, I have handled it, somehow, and carried on.

I am so thankful for it all and much, much more.

There is so much to say and never enough words to express my gratitude. This show means something different to everyone. Everyone finds bits and pieces in it which make them feel the same kind of appreciation and love and this is just my share.

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you, dear reader. Sending you a warm hug, if that’s alright with you.

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thebiscuiteternal · 6 months

Note

As always I am politely asking for any flavor of monster!sang, dealers choice on what kind of monster and how much horror or gore goes into it. old continued ideas or something entirely fresh is good too! Just fuck me up

Meng Yao was sure he felt his heart stop as the massive green, gold, and grey serpent rose up, and up, and up from the surface of the lake where it had been sleeping before it had been attacked.

It bared its fangs, longer than his arm and sharp as fine knives, in a hiss, the grass-like feathers that covered its body and concealed it on the lake bottom now flared out in rage.

And he was the only one left to face it, those fangs covered in red evidence of what had happened to all of the cultivators he'd been sent along with as a servant.

Too terrified to even run for his life, Meng Yao could only press himself flatter against the rock at his back-

Then he noticed, among the flared feathers, dozens, maybe hundreds of broken arrows and other weapons and farm implements that had been improvised into weapons embedded in what he could see of the serpent's shining scales.

"Wait!" he called out desperately, mentally praying to every god he could think of that the creature understood speech, "I- If you don't eat me, I can remove all those human things you've been attacked with!"

The serpant... paused in mid strike. Then it drew back and up, pale jade eyes almost as big as he was tall fixed on him as it tilted it's head, seeming to actually be considering this offer.

"And why would you do that?" a voice with a hint of a hiss asked in the back of Meng Yao's mind.

He wasn't sure if the shiver that went down his spine was from the cold fear still circulating his body, or from the fact that the voice was... not at all what he'd expected. Soft... sweet even, and sounding like a young man close to his own age, not a monster.

It took him a moment to sort out what he was going to say, then another to actually get his voice to work.

"It wasn't my choice to come here," he says, trying to press the tremor out of his words and failing. "I wasn't with them willingly."

"Oh?"

"My father sold me," Meng Yao says, the bitterness that wells up in his voice not faked at all. "He said I should consider myself lucky that I would be assisting cultivators, not sent into a brothel like my mother, but they were just as cruel as the men I'd been around growing up."

Finally managing to get his limbs to work, he bowed as low as he could without having to kneel on the sharp rocks under his boots. "You did me a kindness by killing them, great serpent, and I would like to repay it."

The voice hummed in his mind, still considering, and he kept his head down, unwilling to risk angering it by moving before he was given permission.

"That sounds fair," came the hissing murmur, and he felt the rigid tension in his body release.

"But if you try to use any of them against me, I will not hesitate to drown and devour you."

"I would not dare."

"Up, then," the voice commanded, and when he risked opening his eyes and straightening, he found the serpent's head was on the ground in front of him.

An invitation.

"Where... where do you intend to take me?"

"Beyond the fog is an island. The caves are my home, but the above grounds are comfortable as well. And we will be guarded from sight."

Meng Yao swallowed hard.

Then braced himself and climbed up onto the serpent's head.

Though shrouded in fog on all sides, the island he was carried to did indeed look pleasant. Enough sun broke through the fog from above that it was covered in wide-spanning trees and tall grasses, with plenty of growing fruit and places that looked good for fishing.

Meng Yao suddenly got a pang in his chest at the thought that his mother would have loved to visit a place like this.

The serpent let him get off on the soft beach near a set of cliffs that undoubtedly contained one of the caves it had mentioned, then slithered up onto the sand itself.

Stretched out to almost its full length, it was almost as long as the steps to his father's home had been tall.

"Well?"

"Y- yes!"

He clambered up onto its back and took a knife from his sleeve. From the way even halbards were even stuck in its scales, he had no doubt that a knife wouldn't even penetrate, but it would be useful for prying the assorted weapons loose.

By the time the sun began to vanish into the fogbank and darkness was closing in, he had tossed quite the tidy sum of implements into the sand, though he was sure he was still only a third of the way through them all at most.

"Enough for today," the serpent said. "Build a fire, and I will bring you fish."

It also, in a surprisingly generous gesture, brought him several ragged furs, likely from other things it had eaten, to make himself a bed and blanket on the sand. Though the weather was mild enough that he didn't really need them, he'd always slept better covered, so he was grateful.

Morning came with a new fire and fruit for roasting, then he returned to his task with meticulous diligence. With all day to work, outside of lunch time, he was fairly sure he'd cleared out almost the big weapons and was only down to arrows.

He was fairly sure he would only need one more day for those.

Then he could only hope the serpent would still keep up its end of their deal and let him live. The kindnesses, after all, could be just the raising before the slaughter.

But... he didn't really think that was the case. Though it spoke little, he was sure the serpent seemed... glad to have company outside of the fish in its lake.

He went to sleep on that thought.

As he'd expected, it only took him one day until he couldn't find any more arrows. After he hopped off the serpent's back, he couldn't help being amused by the way it leisurely stretched itself with a deep rumble of relief. "How long have you been collecting those?"

"I do not remember. As long as I have been here, I guess."

His first instinct was to ask how long it had been since it arrived, but he had a feeling the serpent no longer remembered that, either.

When night came, instead of fish, the serpent brought a deer it had grabbed off one of the lake's outside shores. "A gift of gratitude," it said.

When he woke the next morning, he found his furs were unexpectedly heavy.

Once he'd managed to wriggle free enough, to sit up, he could only stare.

Curled up next to him, in robes the same colors as the serpents feathers and scales, was a pretty young man.

#mdzs #jin guangyao #nie huaisang #sangyao #fanfic #spooky jam

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saltpepperbeard · 8 months

Note

hi lets show some love for our mutuals. tag your favorite mutuals and tell them why you love them

Oh, anon <3. I so very love that you're spreading this loveliness around, because I ALSO love talking about dear mutuals so LET'S GOOOOO:

@ella-doe - My WIFEY <3. Arguably the #1 Stiddies Fan, and ASSUREDLY the #1 Daddy Jenki-(GETS SHOT). Talking to her is always such a delight; she's so lovely and supportive. Started from the bottom (occasionally screaming over something in DM's), now we're here <3 (married like 4 or 5 times over at this point idk).

@blakbonnet - MY PARTNER IN CLOWN CRIMES 🤡. Any time ANYTHING clown-specific occurs, Meow is like the first person I think of hsdjksds. And I think the feeling is mutual; we both have matching rainbow wigs at this point 🤡🤡🤡. Can't wait to start the clownery right back up after season 2 airs lmao like ALRIGHT, SEASON 3 TRAILER???? 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

@dickfuckk - Josh and I were having a time and a half when some footage of Taika in his S2 Ed getup dropped lmao. Like we Saw God for a split second there. So he understands me on like a fundamental and deep level. He ALSO has saved my life numerous times when it comes to panels, or any other sort of cast/crew-related video. Had it not been for his sacrifices and battles against Pop[redacted] lmao, I would've missed MANY a panel.

@bizarrelittlemew - Talented beyond belief, like holy SHIT. Makes immaculate gif sets (DJenks even reblogged one so like, 🎵can I make it anymore obvviousss🎵), and is also an INSANE writer. Need y'all to know that Keep Your 'Lectric Eye On Me, Babe is in my regular rotation, but I'm just always so SO astounded by everything she makes.

@snake-snack-stede - Regularly makes me laugh OUT LOUD with her memes and commentary. Like, if ever I come across a post with her name on it, I know there's like a 100000000% chance it will make me release some sort of "bAHAAAAA." The wheezes I've whoozed,,, So, she's always very much a welcome presence on my dash.

@sherlockig - If EVER you need a good screen grab/edit of OFMD, Alexz is 10000% your best bet. Has probably captured and edited every inch of the show, which is perfect for the times where you want to see a specific moment and cry/throw up/pass out over it being so wonderfully frozen.

@stedebonnets - The sweetest, loveliest darling of a human being I ever did know. Is always SO wonderfully supportive, and just radiates warmth and niceties. Also makes IMMACULATE gifs; inspired me to turn up the Coloring Heat on a lot of my own, really! And I also just learned that the first OFMD thing I ever reblogged was actually one of her sets, so she's VERY IMPORTANT TO ME SHDJKLS <3

@xoxoemynn - Speaking of understanding me on a deep and fundamental level lmao, EM UNDERSTANDS ME ON A DEEP AND FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL SHDKJS. We keep cracking each other up because like, we'll share the most random opinion ever, only for us to realize we align EXACTLY. she makes me feel Seen, okay. she makes me feel UNDERSTOOD SHDJKSL. Also, her writing is so so lovely, and her presence is even lovelier <3

@forpiratereasons - Produces some of my favorite writing in the entire fandom. I am so SO fond of so many of her stories, and regularly re-visit a lot of them. Insane to me that we regularly cross paths now, because I remember seeing her works before I was officially in the fandom. AND NOW SHE REBLOGS MY SETS??? AND I CAN ALSO SCREAM DIRECTLY @ HER???? #BLESSED HSDJKLS

@not-nervous-jester - And SPEAKING of favorite writing, darling Jams wrote one of my favorites aka Somewhere in the Water. YES, I bring this up a lot, but LISTEN LMAO, I NEED THEM TO KNOW 🔪. I NEED THEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW LOVELY IT IS/THEY ARE 🔪🔪❤️❤️ HSKDJS. And aside from their lovely writing, they also Hear Me Out and hype up my silly goofy screaming fits, which is ALWAYS appreciated <3

@skysofrey - AN ABSOLUTE RAY OF SUNSHINE. I see those 💛💛💛 in the tags or on a post, and just immediately feel so much sunnier myself. Just so so sweet and lovely, and just like Jams, ALSO furthers my hollering/analysis/breakdowns PFFFF. A Hypeman (gn) for the Screams™

@crueley - Yet another person who just Gets my Taika breakdowns, and has also been the DIRECT CAUSE OF MANY SHDKLSKD. Like sometimes I'll just wander into their gif tag, and lol oh no BOOM I've suddenly spiraled down into the abyss. But I can't even be mad about it because we bonded over Mostin Posts, and have been crashing downwards ever since <3 PFFF

@awkward-fallen-angel - Extremely fond of Heather, because he was one of the first people to ever try and talk to me when I first got into the fandom! It's always very daunting wandering into a fandom space, especially after the fact/after things have already dropped. So, she made me feel welcomed/included, and allowed me to find my footing a bit faster as a result. And even though he's busier with life, I still always think about her! Like, that one picture from last October-ish where it was all the spooky mutuals around the cafeteria table? STILL THE MOOD <3

@blackbeardskneebrace - Miles' art drives me bonkers bananas in the best way possible. They always capture the likeness of the characters SO freaking well, and have posted so many creative pieces that my mind gets boggled on the regular. Also, my go-to for FORGS,,, I really love froggies as well, so seeing Little Guys and subsequent facts about them on my dash is SUCH a delight.

@darkinerry - Regularly decks me upside the head with Taika footage I've never seen before, and I cannot express how happy that makes me LMAO. Like, I'll just be minding my business, and suddenly I'll be steaming in a Jodi-shaped crater in the ground because a Taika Gym Set or something equivalent from Marlena has slammed my sorry self through sheets of bedrock idk </3.

@adickaboutspoons - Writes the most poetic, and I mean, THE most poetic tags. I regularly get exposed to just lovely MASTERPIECES of thoughts, and it's like reading a beautiful fanfiction at the bottom of a gif set. Also, regularly backs Stede up, which is always appreciated because I'm holding him so tenderly in my hands at all times. So she GETS IT <3

@aha-my-villainous-thoughts - Creates some of the most striking art EVER. I've said this before, and I'll say it again; the usage of COLOR knocks my socks clean-off. like lol they're gone where did they go idk i am SOCKLESS OVER SUCH LUMINESCENCE. Every piece seems to GLOW, and it's just an absolute marvel to stumble across each and every time. I'm just in a constant state of being blown away, and LOSING MY SOCKS SHDJKLS <3

#Answered #Anons #OFMD #GASPS FOR AIR #worth it lmao #I will forever write essays on the kind and talented souls around here #It just makes me so so happy to be here #And makes me so so happy to be here with so many LOVELY people

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sunshine-overload · 4 months

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[BSTS] Sinju New Year’s 4* Card Story

(note: P’s show is based on ‘The Tale of the Heike’. Sinju’s role Tsugunobu dies in battle protecting Menou’s role Yoshitsune from an arrow.)

chapter 1 -shrine courtyard-

sinju: Thanks for joining me today, Saki-chan. We came here at the end of the year with the others to visit the shrine too, but now that the new year has begun I wanted to come again.

saki: Thank you for inviting me.

sinju: I’m happy we can just take our time here together, I’ve been so busy these first few days of the year.

saki: What did you do?

sinju: I went and bought some lucky bags! You can get some great things for a bargain price. I was talking to Kasumi about them the other day, he knew so much. He told me where to get all the good deals!

saki: Fufu, that sounds like fun.

sinju: Yeah I got really excited. Ah it’s our turn, let’s pray at the shrine, Saki-chan.

-time pass-

sinju: Sorry for the wait, Saki-chan. Here’s your shiruko*.

saki: Thank you.

sinju: Nothing beats shiruko on a cold day, I’m digging in!

saki: Me too.

sinju: …Yep, it’s delicious! I’m all warmed up. Eating shiruko in front of a shrine like this really makes you feel that it’s a new year.

saki: True.

sinju: I want to do even more things this year. I was the centre for ‘Beyond the Door’ last year, remember?

saki: Yes.

sinju: At that time, I learnt how to lead everyone on the stage as a centre. It made me realise that there’s still so much more I can do. I want to become someone who others can rely on and be able to leave things to.

saki: That’s a great goal.

sinju: Thanks! In order for it to happen I need to find my own weapon. I guess I’d like for this to be a year where I can properly face myself and grow even further.

saki: I’m sure you’ll be able to do it, good luck.

sinju: Yeah, I’ll do my best! If you support me then I’ll be given the same amount of strength as if I’d asked for it from God.

*Shiruko - A sweet porridge made from boiled and crushed azuki beans, served in a bowl with mochi.

chapter 2 -starless stage-

-cg

sinju: “Please leave it to me, Yoshitsune-sama. Even if it costs me my very life, I, Tsugunobu, shall protect you.”

saki: (Sinju-san is almost like a different person up there… His back looks so large and reliable…)

-time pass, starless restaurant area-

sinju: Thanks for coming to watch, Saki-chan! What did you think of the show?

saki: It was amazing! I could feel Tsugunobu’s absolute resolve and determination, it really moved me.

sinju: That’s good! That means my acting came across how I wanted it to. I actually asked Menou to help me practice the scene where Tsugunobu dies in battle. I’m really glad I held onto that free spa admission ticket that I got from my part time job.

saki: Is that so? It’s true that the two of you were perfectly in sync.

sinju: Yeah, Menou is pretty intense with his training after all.

saki: Ahaha…

sinju: At first I didn’t understand how to portray the resolve to lay your life down for something. But then Menou asked me ‘What is it that your Tsugunobu is looking at?’. Then I understood. Tsugunobu was simply looking ahead and facing the battle before him, and the outcome of his resolve just happened to be death.

saki: I see.

sinju: Thanks to that I was able to cooly face the battle ahead of me.

saki: Your acting really was great.

sinju: Heheh, I’m glad to hear you say that. First I need to face my goal, and then take one step towards it! If I focus on what’s in front of me then I think I’ll be able to bring the team together more as well.

saki: Please do your best, Sinju-san.

sinju: I will! Thanks for always being here to support me, Saki-chan. I wonder what kind of shows we’ll put on this year.

—end

#bsts sinju #bsts translation

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gmgsblog · 2 months

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He compartido piezas de mí mismo que nunca imaginé dar.mi corazón llevó los estigmas de los regalos amorosos, mientras yo temblaba de frio ofreciendo un calor ilimitado.he cultivado serenidad en sus almas, aunque la mía está en el pico del miedo y la preocupación.Allané los caminos del amor para todos los que amó con mi corazón como estaba perdido en el mio.en cada momento, sacrifico algo hermoso, creyendo en la promesa de que toda la belleza dada a los demás algún dia volvería Constantemente me pedí disculpas conmigo mismo por la fealdad del mundo, por cada desgracia que encontré y cada privación que soporté.he intentado dar todo lo que la vida me ha negado, con total fuerza.Sentí felicidad cuando vi sus sonrisas, y orgullo cuando me di cuenta de que habia logrado cosas que duran incluso después de irte .he vaciado mi corazón por completo en esta tierra, yendo más allá de mis capacidades, simplemente porque entendi la amargura de sentir sin todo.ahora siento alegría en experiencias sin precedentes, como si Dios me compensó por los deseos deseados hace mucho tiempo, haciéndome disfrutar de su dulzura y Dios me compensó por los deseos deseados hace mucho tiempo, haciéndome disfrutar de su dulzura después de años de pruebas pero realmente cuando amamos con el alma sabemos que nuestro amor es verdadero talvez muchos no lo aceptan pero Dios sabe que lo es porque se ama con todo el corazón y el alma ❤️🌹GMG✍🏼

I have shared pieces of myself that I never imagined giving. My heart carried the stigmata of loving gifts, while I shivered from the cold offering unlimited warmth. I have cultivated serenity in their souls, although mine is at the peak of fear and worry. I paved the paths of love for all who loved with my heart as it was lost in mine. In every moment, I sacrificed something beautiful, believing in the promise that all the beauty given to others would one day return. I constantly apologized to myself. myself for the ugliness of the world, for every misfortune I encountered and every deprivation I endured. I have tried to give everything that life has denied me, with total strength. I felt happiness when I saw their smiles, and pride when I realized that there were I have achieved things that last even after you are gone. I have emptied my heart completely on this earth, going beyond my capabilities, simply because I understood the bitterness of feeling without everything. I now feel joy in unprecedented experiences, as if God compensated me for the desires desired a long time ago, making me enjoy their sweetness and God compensated me for the desires desired a long time ago, making me enjoy his sweetness after years of trials but really when we love with the soul we know that our love is true perhaps many do not They accept it but God knows it is because they love each other with all their heart and soul.❤️🌹GMG✍🏼

لقد شاركت أجزاء من نفسي لم أتخيل قط أن أعطيها. كان قلبي يحمل ندوب هدايا المحبة، وأنا أرتعش من البرد مقدماً دفءً لا حدود له. لقد زرعت السكينة في نفوسهم، مع أني في قمة الخوف والقلق. مهدت دروب الحب لكل من أحب بقلبي كما ضاع في قلبي. في كل لحظة، ضحيت بشيء جميل، مؤمنة بالوعد بأن كل الجمال الذي أعطيته للآخرين سيعود يومًا ما. لقد اعتذرت لنفسي باستمرار. نفسي لقبح الدنيا، لكل بلاء لقيته، وكل حرمان تحملته. لقد حاولت أن أقدم كل ما حرمتني منه الحياة، بكل قوة. شعرت بالسعادة عندما رأيت ابتساماتهم، وبالفخر عندما أدركت أن هناك أشياء قد حققتها حتى بعد رحيلك. لقد أفرغت قلبي تمامًا على هذه الأرض، متجاوزًا إمكانياتي، وذلك ببساطة لأنني أدركت مرارة الشعور دون كل شيء. أشعر الآن بالبهجة في تجارب غير مسبوقة، وكأن الله عوضني عن الرغبات التي كنت أرغب فيها منذ زمن طويل، فجعلني أستمتع بحلاوتها وعوضني الله عن الرغبات التي كنت أرغب فيها منذ زمن طويل، فجعلني أستمتع بحلاوته بعد سنوات من التجارب ولكن حقًا عندما نحب بالروح نعلم أن حبنا حقيقي ربما لا يقبله الكثيرون ولكن الله يعلم ذلك لأنهم يحبون بعضهم البعض من كل قلبهم وأرواحهم.❤️🌹GMG✍🏼

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bastardrobocop · 3 months

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not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.

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muzzleroars · 3 months

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whenever i listen to Wine and Wheat by Madds Buckley, every time i just find myself thinking about your Gabe and V1... My Love Is Sick by the same artist makes me think of Michael and V2 and aaaa i love these archangels and their funny robots!! i love your writing and art for them so so so much

ooouuughghhh yesss the interplay between gabriel's love and his deconstruction is SO important and that's just what this makes me think of....an angel's entire being and status is defined by their relationship with their faith, it is central to what they are, so his severing, no matter how necessary, sees him panic- and grief-stricken many times throughout the process. his relationship with v1 is really his only anchor, something he clings to especially early on when he's sent so adrift and more often than not feeling tainted and corrupt - yet in v1 he feels moved by that faith so core to what he is. v1 has radically altered everything about his world, it destroyed the paradigms it was built on only to rapidly construct something new, something wholly individual to gabriel, yet it also awakened his faith after so long of it lying dormant in the cold halls of hell. i talked about the line "now this is a fight worthy of god's will", spoken by gabriel as the apostate of hate, but that line is pivotal to what he's experiencing - it is rapture, religious ecstasy of the self and of the one that evoked it, v1 reviving his love of god in the total absence of that very deity. it is an explosive moment, it is redefining and empowering, but its other side is blasphemy, sacrilege, profanity. and gabriel cycles through both, at once bursting with all that he is and loving v1 to the point of worship, but then devoured by the sin of his guilt, by his hellish punishment...how he must contend with it even, that his happiness isn't permitted. for so long he is forced to believe he is incomplete without the love of god and that his joy in himself and v1 is transient, illusory, and evil at its root.

GLAD I CAN GO CRAZY ABOUT MIKE AND V2 TOO....their relationship is very much defined by two parties who do NOT want it. michael in particular has never gotten close to anyone, not since the age of innocence, far too traumatized by his losses to ever seek out even friendship. v2 believes its deeper emotional life is its failing in hell, setting it apart from all the other machines, and besides....it sees the death in this world. anything could go at any second, and mike is topping that list. so when they do start falling in love with one another, it absolutely feels like a sickness. michael's state can't be ignored, particularly as it progresses and it begins causing bouts of severe illness - it feels cruel to him to let v2 in knowing he's dying, and v2 hates that it seems to have fallen for the one person in all this guaranteed to leave it. but it just. it's too much for both of them, how much they see themselves in the other, how much they can be understood on a level no one else is able to, and all the reminders of michael's time winding down soon serves as no barrier. v2 calls on him when it needs help, soon it's the only one beside raphael that he trusts to care for him when he's sick, and they lean on the other for all the support they can't find outside one another. the way this will end isn't quiet between them, they both acknowledge michael's rot, far beyond what the other archangels do...but v2 won't leave him now. it will work on a treatment for as long as mike lives, it will talk him through his grief and share in it with him, and it will be with him whenever this ends.

#i think part of what calms mike down is literally just.#no longer wanting to put himself at so much risk for v2's sake #like tearing himself apart isn't an option anymore. it's cruel #BUT THANKS FOR LISTENING....#i need to draw these four on a double date. i have ideas #cake answers #v1 #gabriel #v2 #michael

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beevean · 8 months

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@viralvava

This one got a little longer than the others :P

"I trust that you will keep this between us, precious." To emphasize his point, Lord Dracula placed a cold finger on Hector's lips. "We wouldn't want to cause a scandal in the court, would we?"

"A scandal? But... you're the Lord. No one can judge you, not even God." The mere notion was laughable. Lord Dracula always carried himself with an abundance of pride and a lack of shame, fully aware to be far beyond anything in the three worlds. It was what enthralled Hector the most.

He also doubted that demons had something remotely close to a moral code. They were not humans, dictated by a set of arbitrary rules: the only trait that Hector respected about the inhabitants of the castle.

Lord Dracula furrowed his brow, as if he did not expect his protégé to move an objection so soon. "That is very true. However... the same can't be said for you, I'm afraid."

"I care not for the petty opinions of some beasts, my Lord," he declared. But not all inhabitants of the castle were monsters. Prince Adrian would most likely not approve, his relationship with his father was already stretched thin. And Isaac... Isaac would raise hell...

They couldn't know. They wouldn't understand.

"Ah dear, you are too intelligent to think like those animals do. I would be proud to announce to the world that you are mine and mine alone..."

Lord Dracula passed the back of his fingers on Hector's face, to then replace them with his lips. "However, you must understand, that these lowly creatures cannot comprehend how important you are to me. They will think that you are nothing but a mere pet, and treat you as such, when you stand far above them."

His hand traveled down Hector spine, to settle on the small of his back. He was now enveloped by Lord Dracula's body from every side, completely at his mercy. He shuddered, from the cold coming from the Lord or something else.

"Furthermore... some scum not worthy to crawl in my castle might try to challenge me, to take you away from me, to prove themselves in their pitiful hubris. And that."

The claws pressed on Hector's back, not enough to tear fabric, but enough for the message to pass.

"That I cannot accept," the vampire growled, close enough to Hector that he felt the tremors in his chest. "They would be reduced to a mere scream in the wind, of course, but the thought alone... No, my Hector, I cannot risk it."

I am more than capable of protecting myself, nearly retorted Hector, but bit his tongue in time. Years of experience had taught him how to notice the fine line to never cross, to not irritate his Lord and convince him that Hector wanted to disobey him. For Hector, the line was much farther than for others, but the Lord appreciated wit, not arrogance.

If he wanted Hector to keep his mouth sealed, no matter how flimsy his reasoning was, then the matter was settled. It was alright with him: he was not the type to brag.

But Hector knew his Lord by now, understood the real reasons for his request. Hidden underneath the vampire's dark cape, the bruises on his neck carefully hidden by the collar of his armor, he knew that Lord Dracula simply enjoyed the thrill of secrecy. For the court, they were the Lord of the Castle and his dutiful General, nothing more; but hidden in the shadows of the castle from mocking eyes, limbs tangled together and fingers sinking in each other's hair and lips locked to one another, they were something that trascended norms and definitions.

Hector rose to his tiptoes, to meet Lord Dracula bowing down to him. Their encounters would be their little, scandalous secret.

#castlevania #prompt meme #beev's writing #hecula #hector castlevania #dracula castlevania #dracula: 'no one shall know about this' *proceeds to rub his scent all over hector like a cat for all the monsters to notice*#you're doing amazing buddy #i wrote a similar dialogue two months ago lol it was just a matter of changing it for the prompt #also remember when i said that drac would be suffering from separation anxiety due to grief and that's why he's so possessive? yeah #and yes i'm putting it in the main tag cringe is dead etc etc

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yourantag · 4 months

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From Winter to Spring

AN: This fic is actually pretty different from my other ones since this is intended to be more like a letter. I listened to a song called "Magic Lily," which inspired me to write something in the perspective of Ithaqua's mother. The song is meant to be romantic, but I interpreted it as a mother waiting for their son to come back from war. Naturally, with themes of winter and suffering, I think Ithaqua, so here we are. Word count: 1.6 words Summary: A carefully written letter, multiple pages long, is stuffed inside an envelope. It doesn't seem like it was ever meant to meet its recipient, yet it resides within his hands. The delicate papers seems to weigh heavy with the love of a mother.

My dearest dove,

It has been a long time since I've last seen your face. It's like it was just yesterday that we went to forage together. You had looked at me with such pride in your eyes, having picked two whole baskets of barberries. We had planned to turn them into jam with honey, a small luxury. You had smiled so brilliantly, so happily at that. To be able to make you happy like that made me feel whole, complete. The fondness I felt overwhelmed me, it almost made me want to cry.

I had never understood when other women spoke fondly of their children. They sacrificed their bodies, health, mind, their everything for them. Yet, children will never completely understand that sacrifice. Oftentimes, they take it for granted. They forget it. But you? You made me understand.

It's odd to think of loving someone more than yourself, but that is exactly how I feel. The stars could disappear from the sky, the heavens and earth could collide, and yet, I think I would not mind for as long as you were alive.

So, tell me why, why would you do this to me? Why have you left me like this?

Once we came back, setting aside our foraged goods, I felt an impending sense of doom. My throat tightened, heart racing as I felt unadulterated fear roll through me. Perhaps it was an instinctual thing, like how many of life's creations can sense death. I could tell my demise was near, be it in one way or another.

You had looked at me with worried eyes, asking me what was wrong. You have always been a sweet child, caring and attentive and so, so very smart. No matter how much I tried to hide my feelings, you always seemed to know when something was wrong. I sometimes wish you weren't such an intelligent boy, but that would be cruel of me. I love you for who you are- to remove any part of you would mean taking away who you are now. I could never do that.

I had forced a smile to my face as I told you I forgot something in my room, something important. You didn't believe me, but you did not pry. Thank you for trusting me, even when you knew I was lying. I know it's horrible to lie to you, but I had to do what I did.

I had ran to my room, throwing aside a cloth to reveal a crystal ball. Divination is not my specialty; it was the specialty of my mother. However, I am still above the rest when it comes to reading fate. What I saw was exactly what I had anticipated, something I hadn't feared before. Now, however, I was. I was beyond scared- I was downright terrified.

Before, I had nothing. My mother had been killed in a witch hunt, my home had been razed, and my friends and fellow villagers had turned their backs on me. I was consumed by rage, sorrow, and despair. I had nothing to lose but my life, I had no one to love but myself.

Still, I could not hate people. I was human as the rest, but I was shunned. I was hated for my hair, for being a woman, for existing. Still, I could only hope, I could only live. To die would be to give into their hate, to throw away my mother's sacrifice for me to live.

Thus, I lived. Out of spite, out of grief. I lived because of love, because my mother would want me to. And, on my travels, I found God. I found peace. Life seemed less like a punishment than it had before.

Then, I found you.

At one point, I had wished my mother hadn't sacrificed herself for me, I wished she had lived instead of me. However, I understand now. I understand why she did what she did. As a mother, you are willing to do anything for your child. Even if it means becoming a monster, even if it means killing someone, you would do whatever it takes to protect your child.

In that moment, watching the future in which not just I would die, but you as well, I made up my mind.

I cannot lie and say I did not want to live. I wanted to watch you continue to grow, to become a lovely young gentleman. I wanted to watch you become an adult, to love, to live. I didn't want to miss any moment of your growth, of you becoming your own person. However, I was willing to give up everything if it meant you'd live.

I got a glimpse of my fate and I couldn't help but shutter. Tortured till my mind broke, till I was no longer human, till I was no longer me. That was my fate should I sacrifice myself. But, was it worse than if you were to be tortured with me? Killed with me?

No, nothing could be worse than that.

So, knowing what kind of fate awaited me, I stood tall and put on a brave face. We didn't have much time, after all.

I asked you to hide in the closet, the men already knocking on our door. They banged against the wood as though it owed them money. The sound was like the call of death, a scythe hovering over my neck. But what can a mother do? I could only smile through the thundering of my heartbeat, through the tears that were rising in my eyes, the tight compression of my chest.

I was scared.

For me? Maybe. Mostly, it was for you. If they found you, I don't know what I would do.

The door swings open and I meet a painfully familiar face, as well as many armored ones. His arrogance is unlike your humility, the way he smiles is so different from your own. It's like a bearing of fangs, like a predator that had found its prey. It's horrible, terrible, what he does with your face. Your brother he may be, if only in blood, but he could never compare to you.

His words are laced with malice and self-importance, his finger pointed at me. I had braced myself for when the armored men would drag me away, manhandle me as though I were a fugitive and not just a lady, a mother.

Then, you came out of hiding.

Looking at your back, so small yet wide, I truly wanted to fall to my knees and weep. Your arms spread out, shielding me, you had stood.

Ah, is love meant to hurt like this? Be difficult like this? Or, perhaps, is it just me?

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard you bargain with them, begging them to take you instead of me, to leave me alone. Words were clogged in my throat as you spoke, everything you said hurting more than any wound I'd ever had.

He had a contemplative look, that child. Then, like a cruel judge, he gave his ruling. He gave into your will, even going so far as to promise he'd place me somewhere I'd never be hunted again.

I had wanted to cry. I had wanted to scream. However, when you had turned to me with a smile so kind, so sweet, so sad and knowing, not a single sound could escape my lips.

You promised to come back to me in spring, like the flowers that withered in fall. You held my hands even as tears fell from your eyes, even as I tried to hold you back with all my might.

Yet, it was not enough.

You were taken from me.

Why? Why did this have to happen? Why did we have to suffer like this? Was this retribution? Punishment? For not having followed God sooner? For living? For existing?

My anger towards that boy, towards God, and towards the world, none of it could compare to the anger I feel towards myself.

This arduous path which I had to take, covered in thorns and decorated with hate, why did you have to take it too?

Ultimately, I believe it is because of me.

(There's darkened circles upon the paper, some smearing the last few words.)

It's been 5 years since then. Every time the snow melts, ushering in the coming of spring, I wait with anticipation. I wait for the sound of footsteps, for the sounds of life.

I wait for you.

It has been 5 years of fluttering frost, blossoming flowers, sunny fields, and bountiful harvests. I've seen the seasons come and go, the birds leaving for winter before returning home. Yet, the most important bird of all, my dearest dove, has yet to return.

There's a special kind of sadness that comes with spring. It starts with joy, which turns to immeasurable sorrow. I always wait, yet you never come.

Are you alive? Are you well? I've been taken to a place where no one despises me, where everyone accepts me, yet I'd rather be pelted with stones than part from your side. I would give up everything if I could just see your face once more.

Is it just me? This spring feels a bit worse than the last. I hope without hope, though I know you won't come. Not knowing if you're alive or well, it drives me mad. My divination has failed me, not allowing me to see anything beyond the veil of reality.

But, I want to believe. I have to believe. You always keep your promises, so I must believe it, believe that you will come back to me. I must weather the seasons, the storms, the sun, the snow, all for the day you return.

Yet, I grow tired of waiting. My heart is heavy, and my soul is weary. My eyes are always full of tears, constantly worried about you to this day.

How many more springs must I wait?

My dear child.

My beloved son.

*****.

Please.

Come home.

#idv #identity v #identity 5 #identity v fanfic #idv fanfic

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