#god. im such a useless and awful person. i can feel how fucked up it is of me to want to reach out to him
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#delete later#also having an embarrassing minor crisis bc my friend asked me if i actually wanted my hair to be cut and i said yeah but#im not sure. i just thought i probably should bc i knew long hair didbt suit me as much#this is less annoying and easier to deal with#plus i was going to cut it a bit myself anyway#but also whenever i cut my hair i have a period of a few days wgere the change upsets me sp this feeling is most probably that#just also the thing of being like#how can i know what i want when what i want is to make others happy abs just chug along#god i fucking hate it in here#here being my brain. useless piece of shit. also very helpful creative bundle but so frustrating#holidays alao make me a lil sad bc a lot of stuff is romantic and im low-key jelly whilst also being like#i would be an awful person to date i have so many needs and weirdnesses and theres very little about ne that is actually#attractive in any way. always feels like i wasnt quite made for it. which ya know is a lil bit of a bummer#its also a part of my loss of mobility crisis#internalised ableism is a bitch. tells me that if i end up more disabled that'll be anlther unattractive thing#when i know full well that disability doesnt make ppl unattractive!!! the internalised shit show!!!#basically im having a bunch of crises all at once all the time atm and they're all bouncing off each other
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shmupdate 🧦
very long, hastily written, but a look is appreciated
greetings- to those who are somehow still lingering around this account or came up upon it during my desolate time off. it is sock. or sockori.... or raven... my name is actually raven (they/it, 20 yo disabled autistic goth nerd whatever the fuck). howdy
im still on the 'undetermined hiatus' so to speak that i described in my leaving post, but i will say right now that i have no near future plans on returning. in the tags on my newest art, i mentioned my naruto hyperfixation (of like. 6 years i think) finally died out and other interests have long since captured my autism full force. for me personally, when i lose a special interest like this so drastically, i just full on abandon it for as long as it stands. however, this isn't the only thing that made me leave, and i think its time for me to be completely honest & get some weight off my chest.
i made this account around the cusp of turning 14, during a god awful pubescent era where i acted as any other edgy teen does and i'd much rather like to forget these days. what im saying is i was not in the right mindset at all when i exposed myself that much & got the attention that i did. a dismayingly giant coping mechanism i had in my youth was being online 24/7 because i had no one in reality to lean on let alone feel comfortable talking to about anything that was happening at that time. this of course leads to what the kids call these days being 'chronically online'- desperate for some sort of assurance or interaction, i crawled into internet spaces i shouldn't have been for an also incredibly unsupervised child using the dangerous worldwide web.
yes, naruto was apart of this, as well as other interests i had at the time. throughout my journey i met unsavory people, suffered abhorrent things like stalking & gr---ming, saw things i didn't deserve to see, did a bunch of stupid shit an angsty teen does, i believe you understand the rest. i am in no way proud or gleeful about any of these years and have some very sour memories tied to fandom as a whole, not just naruto, and i really don't like reflecting on them. so, unfortunately, this account sorta became a bitter reminder of what i went through as i grew up & finally matured and sought to recover. that's the first part of why my activity fizzled away & i began backing off from internet use entirely.
the second part is sasori. yes, the puppet man. sorta the sole reason i made sockori in the first place. as the sasori enjoyers following / who followed know, this puppeteer has an incredibly unhealthy philosophy and worldview (if the carefully preserved corpses turned puppets and complete lack of humanity didn't give that away), and is safe to say entirely detached from his reality to a nhilistic and suicidal extent. when you autistically fixate on a character like how i did, sometimes this character's rhetoric can seep into your own without you even realizing; Especially when you're a spot where you are incredibly vulnerable and psychologically unstable, as i was in my youth. now i didn't go around believing you should uhhh murder people and preserve them Obviously- actually i began to believe that perhaps there was some peace in obtaining a robotic existence. maybe emotions were useless, perhaps nothing truly mattered, my life didn't matter, art in eternal in the sense that death is scary and i should avoid it at all costs, why make connections with people when they just die or leave, cant trust people at all to help me, xyz. anything in these lines. without going too uncomfortably deep for everyone's sake and mine, it fucked me up severely. i suppose in a way it relates to how he uses poison. his toxins got right into my nervous system, but the pain i felt from those toxins was the only thing i could really rely on at the time, so i just let it happen. such is the depressing case of coping in the worst spot of your life.
cant help but feel incredibly strange telling the tale, as it sounds so obscure doesn't it, but media can truly get inside your psyche like this if a consumer isn't careful. not sure if anyone else out there fell into a similar headspace dealing with interests in this nature- but regardless. what i mean to say is, sasori is now a kind of content i cant consume anymore. i am in a way better place now, have grown wise and balanced with careful recovery and patience, and of course have grown out of whatever teenage nonsense i was on. sasori, who was once the only thing my autistic traumatized ass could lean on, is now an extremely dark shadow on my life. yes i see this homicidal anime puppet dude from a fantasy ninja anime and get psychological distress. he's somewhat of an aggressor or abuser to me now, which is tragic. ive been actively avoiding everything even vaguely relating to him, be it the art of puppetry, anime clips, robotic/sci-fi genre, whatnot cause i just. man. i dont wanna go back there. shouldn't have to explain why at this point. ptsd at its finest
feel like ive been honest enough. sasori enjoyers out there who were just around to enjoy what i made, anyone i happened to be good friends with during my time on this account, this doesn't have anything to do with you guys. i appreciate everyone dearly for supporting me and cheering me on in whatever i made despite all the hell & anguish that was taking place beyond the keyboard. im just glad that i managed to find some way out and get the help i need before i gave up & took my own life, which depressingly i almost did a handful of times. carrying the horrors is an exhausting burden to bare sometimes, but that does not mean i can't look back on the good parts of the era too. and seeing you all happy and sharing my memes or whatever made me ecstatic and at least a little bit hopeful for the future. fortunately that little spark of hope grew into something more. thanks for being a light in a very, very dark room.
that being said, i leave you all with this: i am not dead, just greatly changed, a new person at last freed from apathy & exhaustion, with now enough room to finally grow. the memories will never truly fade & my disabilities will be a part of me until i pass on, but at least now i can manage them a lot better than ever before, surrounded by way better people who love me for who i am. i will hang on the best i can. i wish for you to do the same. find freedom and happiness wherever you are. take care. happy trails
trans rights. i eat fascist souls. free palestine
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tw mentions of transphobia homophobia racism and bullying, here's my ramble
what if i cant make amends? i made amends before, i fucked up with the person again, i fucked up , badly, i acted bigotted and i regret it now, for real this time. and i decided at that time to cut that person off from my life. simply because keeping that cycle of "im sorry, i fuck up again" was unhealthy. i think that making amends with people is needed if and only if the person comes to you for explanation - and apologies.
i think about bojack horseman's apologies episode - but he ended up hurting everyone. it's not because he simply didnt mean it - but also because he showed up, impromptuly, in the life of people he hurt and didn't want to hear about him, ever.
now to say i fucked up as badly as him - but the guilt i feel is there, and this impresion of "what the fuck are you doing back in my life, go away' the people we hurt in the past have - is real.
the internet crowd also - wouldn't be happy about making a donation to a cause. for example - imagine you used to act transphobic or homophobic or racist, and you decide to make a donation to an association. no matter the amount, people will say "you're just performing" or "what, only x dollars? arent you (job)?"
that's why attonement feels impossible, no matter what you do, it's not possible to feel 100 percents healed from the past, because you never will.
voicing your regrets, striving for the best, treating the next people better, being kinder isn't ignoring closure from the past.it's quite moving on from it. i know pretty much so many people who told me they wouldn't want to deal with me again because of views i had, actions i made in the past. with those situations, how am i supposed to "atone for my sins" where i must respect the boundaries those people set, aka "get out from my life"? i can only carry regret in me.
it's good to note that i made those awful life choices when i was between age 17 and 19, i have identity disturbance problems and acted like a sponge to bad influences. getting cancelled is something i fear but that i'd honestly roll with "yeah that just happened, i'm sorry for everything" which is honestly the bare minimum - but at the same time, you can never ever appease everyone.
i remember once someone who bullied me apologized to me, i felt nothing. so when someone fucks up badly, making amends is useless, it's just self serving, because what tells that the victim will actually accept your apology? what if it sinks them down further?
i don't know how comfortable i am answering this ask. it asks me to solve a problem that i'm not really qualified to solve, or frankly able to solve with the information you've given me. i am just a rando on the internet and you should not be treating me as an authority figure.
that said, you are clearly in the middle of the kind of anxious death spiral that is both destructive to yourself and useless for any kind of self-improvement, so... my attempt is under the cut.
i mean, you have to seriously consider whether an attempt to apologize will do anything for the other person - maybe it will, maybe it won't, that's on a case by case basis. i'm not the person to ask about that. i do think in most cases that a properly non-self-centered apology probably won't hurt. but that's just my opinion, i'm not god. it's something you have to decide for yourself. i don't peddle redemption arcs.
but primarily like. the thing you need to do is learn your lesson and then Move On Dot Org. don't wallow, just learn, accept, and live with. it actually doesn't benefit anyone for you to hurt yourself.
now, obviously, there are some things you can do which i think should bar you from being or having certain types of authority.
for a rather small, petty example, i can think of one person i know who was a bully in high school and deeply regretted it, but then got deeply into the "callout witch hunt" side of tumblr social justice and replicated their old bullying behaviors pretty closely, but this time just in a way where they could have it fit with their code of ethics. so like, "i believe i have the right to decide who should be harassed over a callout" is a kind of authority to grant yourself, and i am kind of ambivalent on anyone having that authority, but also specifically That person should not have had it, because they just used it to satisfy their desire to put other people down in a "more ethical" way.
so like. it is more effective to strip yourself of certain types of authority than to punish yourself. if you don't have the right to decide whether people deserve cruelty, you cannot be cruel to them. but this is not a punishment, it's simply a loss of certain privileges.
and things like "being happy," "having friends," "having a nice time playing video games" are all rights you shouldn't have taken away as a result of past behavior. but "presenting yourself as an authority on a topic," "being involved with one specific person," and "making money off your reputation online" are all privileges you might potentially want to strip yourself of if your past behavior showed that you can't be trusted with them. again, this is not a punishment, and is not intended to induce misery - it is simply a reasonable precaution.
and also, with respect to being cancelled or not - do not worry about this. that doesn't really have anything to do with you. get thicker skin. if someone tries to cancel you and they are more popular than you, you will be cancelled. if they are less popular than you, they will be cancelled. whether a cancellation is successful is purely a product of social power and is unrelated to morals. my recommendation is to make peace with the fact that if you live your life in public people will sometimes hate you. this is their problem, but also it's their right. you can't stop them and i would go so far as to say you shouldn't try. they can't do anything to you unless they doxx you, which probably won't happen unless you're really famous. or they can take your internet income stream away if you have one. the best way to defend against this is to have a real job.
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Succession season 4 EP. 6 or whatever it's called idek tbh
Is this a flashback? Oh, nvm. This sounds like nonsense. He looks pissed. Yep, there it is. Ouch. I can feel the tension. Kendall why do you wanna watch it again. This is self harm buddy dude, my guy.
Brian Cox is a fucking phenomenal actor. And now one can stand up to him the way he should have been. Rest in piss you piece of shit. Is Mattson trying to flirt with Shiv? Dude she will fucking eat you alive. "Yoo-hoo". Well yeah they're just minding the shop for a few hours but dude you know how a business works right. Mattson dude you can't order that thing. He is the world's most crusty man while she's sitting there literally glowing like porcelain bruh she is so for out of your league and married and also crazy. Dude. Dude. Anyhow lol. "Start the engines" hahahahahaha. He is too tall. I think Shiv just likes she can abuse him with like the true honesty of her situation and he'll come back because he doesn't even want positive reinforcement. He just wants honesty.
Very light tan. Hey Rome going back into the studios. He took Shiv"s seat what the fuck?? Hi Tom! Kendall's shit he just said was so useless I forgot to listen and had to back up also Shiv grabbing her phone loud enough for him to notice and quiet enough to "not make a scene". I think he genuinely didn't notice. Or her slapping the phone down. Nice job clapping for yourself Ken. Who gives a shit about the company after this take the money and runnnnn. "Huh, well, what exactly happened??" Lol, Shiv. Gently pressing him. Sure. Roman is not lying well. Yes. You can recommend it. Take the money and run. Exposed to what. Bruh. That's also 50% cash. Everyone fucking leavvvevsa ahhahhahahaa. Kendall is a bad liar. Shiv is like why you fucking lying. She says yeah a lot. Thanks fuckface they're bad at this lol they didn't tell her cus she'll call them out. No you literally cannot keep ATN and Pierce. Roman is sorry. Is he trying to hug it out??? Roman I love you. They are so bad about reading her. Opp I forgot about the baby. Oh it's the same building nvm.
Why is she crying??? *About to breakdown* I'm fine DW about it. Aw. I don't trust him. Aw shiv no don't kiss your ex back. Jen listening in and they don't seem to care. Is he drinking??? What the fuck is personalized longevity. Fuckywood. Ahhaha yess sit like that Roman yeehaw love that shit. Mm tummy full ???? Roman???? Ahahha lol. I think it's hit im. "Mattson is flaky" <- man who is bailing on $194/share. I don't think this investor gives a shit. Oh this isn't an investor? Let's sidebar it girl? She is not confident. Well you want me to say more things? Lol. Roman buddy you're not listening to her. •_• uhh. Bruh. Dude. Why is he firing her. What the fuck. Bro??? Why??? Kendall what the fuck does annnnyyy of this. Ken. Oh this poor girl doesn't know how Kendall is. Bruh. Bro. "Don't say no Denny" no one can do no is a terrible thing Kendall buddy. These people are crazy.
Matthew what's his face is an incredibly attractive man. Aw they're being misogynistic together <3 how sweet. She's dressed up in what looks like a gi with a belt?? This is a bad time to apologize dude. How is it working. Is it working? Oh he's teasing her. Okay. Please neg eachother more it is very fun to watch. She does have her mannerisms down pat. Are they actually gonna bite eachother??? Bruh. Ahhahahahahhahaha. Oh my god. I think Tom loves that more than Shiv does this is so fucked up he finally gets to bite someone. "Tom wamsgams finally made me feel something" is such a roast. All you need is unbelievable growth?? Dude. I think it's hard to make houses seem like tech. Cus we've had houses for a while now. Greg I love you. We don't have the numbers Rome. "Ehh ehh" bruh. They're literally latching onto it because of Logan. Please talk to other people. Who's gonna kill themselves first. Thank you Gerri. Ouccchhh. Are you gonna fire her too. Dude. Bruh. "No" lol but she can't say that. Romannnnn never piss of Gerri. Kendall has zero ability to read emotions. You fired Gerri??? Smooth over? Bro? KENDALL. KENDALLLLLL.
Did they fuck right after they bite eachother. "I don't entirely hate you" was what she was gonna say. Mattson songs. Oh man. Bruh bad opener. I picked money. Ouch. That's harsh. Is he from a trailer park. She might actually do it dude. Bruh the green screen is STILL THERE. Are they gonna deep fake their dad??? "Or I'm gonna get in trouble"??? "Understand Mr. Snippy Snip???" What the fuck Greg???
Kendall they can't just build the numbers. It's gotta be credible but we're lying lol. "Can I talk to Karl." I. Lol. "You're taking jibberish." KENDALL. Kendall. He was not kidding. Let's just pressure people into this it'll work. Goddamn Shiv has nice outfits. Flirting with Lukas sarcastically in front of Tom making him feel like he's the other woman?? Bomb threat???? I love you Lukas.
Nice to see you back, Kendall's black glasses. It will be just this. I hope those oh those are real clouds. Okay. I was gonna say I hope they crash but it's just gas. Why is he upset. The numbers are from up there.... Okay. Roman is the most influenciable of the lot today. He's got that gleam in his eyes. Why do you have to back it Roman? I think we should protect him oooooo..... A flight jacket. Dude. You cannot say anything Kendall. I can sense Roman is 100% the younger brother. Is this all in one day?
Maybe ....wee..... Shouldn't... Do it? Or maybe postpone. He's so sad omg. It is nuts. We do not have to. You stupid people. Roman tries to stop Kendall and then he tries to pull himself out. Break that leg TM. Karl's getting pissed lol. I don't think he can pull rank by age he's gonna het fired lol. He'll fire you. Lol. Go Grandpa go.
Gerris still sitting there. Who is this even going for. Roman saying it like that means not good. Also wtf is Tom saying. Is he playing music. What the fuck. Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg. Hey uh. Yeah. Just say it 3 times it'll better. Roman would be so much better poor Tom. "Amateur". I was dusrupting our annual meeting I - bruh. I gotta quit typing. What the fuck. Living plus till the end????? He didn't even retire???? Bruh. You can't promise this. What the fuck. How did they manage that??? What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.
OOHHH MY GOD I HAD TO GOOGLE IT AAAAA. WELP. THAT PUTS THAT IN THE GROUND. Dude you don't have to Google it. Lol. Trying to turn it around on Karl and then immediately backtracking into "generals" lmao. He's very European??? Bruh. The fuck does that mean. Kendall cannot spin any criticism. And now, give it up, for Tom Wamsgams!! So his weirdness is *rehearsed* or??? He deleted it? Damn. It's not gonna climb above 194? "I don't even remember it it was kinda a blur."
Seriously scared Romans gonna kill himself rn. He's just listening it to on repeat :-( oh my god.
It is obviously not going to be party and strategy. They're cute together. Is he drawing an arrow??? You're not gonna drown yourself right. Kendal. Kendall. Kendal. Kendal. Kendal. Kendal. Kendal. Kendal. Kendal. Bruh. Okay cool.
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Together (USWNT x Reader)
Request: team x reader where r gets hurt (needs crutches) during practice and the team is of course really worried for her and r stops eating and is upset and takes it out on the team the rest of camp (because she doesn’t think she can make it back in time for Tokyo) but it gets resolved after reader is crying and team is there to comfort her? (maybe some christen x reader) could you also do at the end where the reader either gets named to the roster/ the first game since injury?
You stared unseeingly at the hotel room ceiling, the doctor's words rolling endlessly through your mind. It was an accident, you knew that and you still loved Ali, but the situation fucking sucked. It wicked that her tackle had been late. It sucked that your ankle had gone in the opposite direction of your body. It really sucked that you had needed surgery to fix the compound fracture that had resulted in the collision. And it Really Really fucking sucked that you would “be lucky to walk without a limp for the rest of your life, much less run around on a field,”.
You were only 22, and the doctor had basically but a death sentence on your career. The only reason you hadn’t been sent home was that your team moms Kelley and Alex hadn’t made the argument that there was no one there to take care of you. It would have been easier if they had let you leave. Then at least you would have more time to figure out how to tell them that you were never going to play soccer again.
A knock sounded from the hotel room door, and you glanced at it for a few seconds, before retiring your attention to counting the texture in the ceiling, contemplating what the fuck you were supposed to do with the rest of your life.
The knocking stopped for a second, before starting up louder. Maybe if you didn’t respond, they would think you were asleep and leave you alone. You didn’t want visitors right now anyway. No one else deserved to have the rest of their camp ruined with your sour mood. You needed to make them hate you so it wouldn’t hurt as much when you left. When they stopped talking to you because you weren’t useful anymore. When you lost the only family you had ever had.
But the telltale click of the door lock told you that the women would not be so easily deterred. You didn’t bother to look at the women as they slid into bed beside you, Kelley on your left and Alex on your right.
“What ya looking at kiddo?” Kelley asked, nudging your shoulder softly.
“Just thinking,” You shrugged, your eyes never leaving the ceiling, even as Alex drew circles on your cheeks with her fingers, sharing worried looks with Kelley. Their little ray of sun was even more cloudy than it had been when they left earlier. One of them should have stayed with you.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Alex asked, brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear, trying to coax you to finally look at her.
You bite your lip, your eyebrows furrowing as you try to get the words past the lump in your throat.
“I can’t play,”
You could practically feel Alex’s eye roll at the statement. And you frowned. She didn’t understand that this wasn’t just a temporary thing.
“Don’t worry about that right now sweetie. Just worry about getting better,” She murmured, using a careful finger to tilt your head so you were making eye contact with her. You stared into her concerned blue eyes, praying that she couldn’t see just how much pain you were in. She didn’t need that burden.
“Yeah ducky, just work on getting better and you’ll be tearing up the field with us again in no time,” Kelley added, propping her head on your shoulder. You rolled your eyes, nodding slightly.
Normally they would have attacked you with tickles to get you to smile, but this time they didn’t. They simply sat up and offered you their hands. Even they had given up on you already, what was going to happen when they found out that you were useless to them now.
“Now, dinners ready and you already skipped lunch today,” Alex said softly as you stared at their hands in discontent.
“Wasn’t hungry,” You grumbled. The truth was that you didn’t want to confront your new reality. You wanted to stay in your little bubble and pretend that everything was going to work out fine.
“Sure you weren’t,” Kelley laughed, growing tired of your resistance to them, and grabbing your shoulder to force you into a sitting position.
“What we mean is that you’re not getting out of it,” Alex shot Kelley a disapproving look, but helped Kelley hoist you up. Her forehead wrinkled when you didn’t laugh at their antics, and instead just crossed your arms.
“I hate you guys,” You huffed, pouting.
“No you don’t, now, up you get,” Kelley laughed, kissing your cheek.
“I can do it myself,” You hissed once you were sitting upright. You grabbed your crutches and forced yourself to your feet. The crutches rubbed uncomfortably against your ribs, but you ignored it. You didn’t need any more help. You didn’t need to give them any more reason to leave you.
“Stubborn as always,” Kelley sighed, opening the door for you, and you held in your groan. They probably wouldn’t even miss you.
The ride to the dining room was spent in uncomfortable silence. Neither woman quite sure how to broach the subject of your foul mood.
“Hey gimpy, need help with your plate,” Ashlyn smiled, clapping you on the shoulder and nearly knocking you over. Kelley glared at her, reaching out a hand to steady you.
“I got it,” You grumbled, shrugging off their steadying hands and beginning to maneuver yourself towards the food table. You didn’t want to eat (what was the point) but if you didn’t, they would make an even bigger deal than they already were.
They watched you struggle for a moment, trying to balance a plate and hobble along the food table. Ali sighed, standing and making her way over to you.
“I’ll help you, this is my fault after all,” she said softly, grabbing the plate before you dumped its contents onto the floor by accident.
“I said I got it,” You huffed, looking away from the woman, frowning as Christen joined you. God, you weren’t a child. You could get a plate of food by yourself. Ignoring the good intentions of your crush, you ground your teeth toge
“Is this all you’re going to eat? You need to keep your strength up kid,” Kelley scoffed at your choice of three dinosaur nuggets.
“Like it matters now? I can’t play so what’s the point,” You grumbled, ripping the plate out of Ali’s hand and struggling to the closest seat. Christen sat down heavily beside you, followed by Ali, Ash, Kelley and Alex.
“I’m sorry Y/n,” Ali whispered. It killed her to see you so distraught. To know that she was the reason you were so upset.
You glanced up from your nuggets, making eye contact with the woman. You took note of the pained crinkles by her eyes. She didn’t have a right to be in pain. You were the one who just had their future destroyed.
“I know,” You shrugged halfheartedly, playing with your nuggets rather than eating them.
“You sound super convincing,” Ashlyn rolled her eyes.
“Well, what would you like me to say?” You snipped back, quirking your eyebrow up at her.
“We’re not your enemy babe,” Christen soothed, rubbing you back.
“I know I’m just-.” You huffed, shaking your head frustratedly. What were you? You were angry, sad, a complete and total washout now. What was the point? You paused, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. To do what needed to be done. It would hurt less in the end. “I’m tired and not hungry and I just wanna go to bed,” You finished, staring down at your untouched nuggets. Your hands fidgeted in your lap for a second before you reached for your crutches.
Your fingertips brushed the dreaded walking device at the wrong angle, sending it crashing to the ground. Just like your dreams. You shoved your plate away, leaning as far as you could in your chair to retrieve the crutch, only for the other one to join it on the floor. You glared at the items, oblivious to the worried mother hens watching you fall apart over being unable to get them on your own.
It was Christen who took potty on you, lifting the crutches off the floor and presenting them to you. “Let me help you,” she smiled sadly, and you grit your teeth. Your cheeks flamed red as you grabbed the items.
“Aw kid, don’t feel bad, we all need a little help sometimes,” Ashlyn smiled kindly. The rage and embarrassment boiled inside you. They didn’t fucking get it.
“Im not a fucking invalid. I don’t need your fucking help. I don’t need these or anything else,” You growled, throwing your crutch across the room and into the food fable with a crash, the other on suffering the same fate as you forced yourself to stand. Pain shot down your leg, but you ignored it, determined to prove to them all that you could do it yourself.
The room sat in stunned silence. They knew you were upset, but you had never ever lashed out like this before.
Christen was the first person to jump into action. She held her hands out as she approached you, as if you were a wounded puppy she needed to show she meant no harm.
“Babe, don’t, you’ll just make it worse and if you ever wanna come back..-“ she tried softly, wrapping her arm under your armpit in an attempt to prevent you from putting weight on your injured foot. You shrugged her off, taking a bold (and excruciatingly painful step forward). What was the point. You would never see the pitch again anyway.
“You just don’t fucking get it so you? I’ll never ever get to come back. That sloppy tackle made it so I’ll be lucky to walk normally again, much less kick a fucking ball,” You spat, tears finally making their way down your face.
You could feel the weight of the teams putting gaze. The heaviness that filled the room, like a wave of realization crashing over them. You kept your eyes on the floor, you hand clenching and unclenching around nothing, eating for them to disown you. For the next logical step to happen.
“Y/n,” Ali started, tears evident in her voice, but your venomous scowl stopped her. “I’m fucking useless now, so just fucking drop it, alright?!”
You attempted to take another step, using the chair as support, and forcing yourself forward. You nearly collapsed as your full weight landed on your very injured foot. You were stubborn, and you were determined to give them a reason for you to stay. You wobbled, nearly keeling over from the pain, gritting your teeth to stop the anguished cry from threatening to spill out.
You pulled yourself back upright, about to take another step away from the chair supporting you, but soft calming hands on your shoulders stopped you. “Y/n Stop. You’re going to hurt yourself, more, and then we’ll have even bigger odds to beat,” Christen murmured into your ear, hugging you back into her chest and supporting your weight as she sat back into a chair and pulled you into her lap.
“Yeah kid, fuck what the doctors say. You’re amazing and so stubborn that I dare them to try and keep you down,” Kelley added, coming to kneel in front of you, her hand in your knee.
“Plus you’ve got all of us behind you, no matter what,” Alex said, coming up behind her. A sob ripped from your throat. That was your greatest fear. That they would leave you. Your family only tolerated you when they wanted something when you were successful, so you thought your soccer family would feel the same.
“You promise?” You asked softly.
“Absolutely kid,” Alex and Kelley said together firmly. You nodded and allowed the women to hold you as you cried. You would all get through this. Together.
*****
You bounced lightly on your feet, cracking your neck as you waited for the match to start. There had been a tremendous amount of time and effort put into this moment. Hours upon hours of rehab, soccer training and therapy, but here you were in the starting 11 for the Olympic finals.
“You ready baby?” Christen hummed, her arms wrapping around you, kissing your cheek before resting her chin on your shoulder.
You smiled, grabbing her hand. The woman had been instrumental in your recovery, and though it had taken you an embarrassingly, long time to ask her out, you had sacked up. You loved the woman so much that it scared you, and now she was your girlfriend (bum leg or not). “Always baby,”
You had come a long way, and you had so much further to go. You would win like you always did. Together.
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ROSE I AM FREAKING OUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE PREQUEL STUFF???? WHAT IS GOING ON, my god... I was literally about to go to sleep, decided to check Tumblr one last time and see this.... what WHAT!! WHATTTT!!!!!! I don't even know if this is good bad or what but just JENSEN IS PRODUCING A SUPERNATURAL PREQUEL AND DEAN'S GONNA BE THE NARRATOR OR Sth LIKE???? -🐸
YEAH i am normal about this <3 (jk i am also freaking out) welcome to: people screaming to me in my inbox about prequelgate ft. j/2 fallout theory. let's goooo!
Another copypasta and suddenly chaos machine is full on gay I love this prophecy
you know whats funny i just checked the j/2 tag and i feel like for the first time in a long time they are starting to realise that maybe THEY should be the ones who are "gutted" *sips tea*
ROSE HOLY SHIT ROOOOOOOOSE ITS HAPPENING HOLY SHIIIIIT
YEAH
Nevermind just read prequel and well good luck I guess but just you know kind of bleh who wants to watch John Winchester well let’s have hope anyways
i know a lot of people are bummed out but i am kind of very excited actually?? i trust robbie and even though yeah j*hn winchester turned into a nasty abusive bastard, it can be interesting to explore how it all started (imo). it's just the first of many stories they can tell.
I can only accept this circus if it’s Dean telling the stories to his and Cas’ kids and then we have a revival to show that the whole finale was in fact the end Chuck wanted there Jensen I fixed it
i would not say no to this
heyloo bee anon here
um- wtf is happening?
jackles prequel series?? why? i want to be excited about this but sheesh im scared
because supernatural is never dead <3
okay, but, jensen... john winchester ≠ jdm, you don’t have to go /that/ hard for him 🙃
true true... though i am waiting for jdm to comment on this, please i need it
WAIT A SECOND J2 FALLOUT THEORY TRUE??
LMAO HELL YEAH BESTIE
Rose you really picked the worst time to sleep for real
bestie it was literally 4 in the morning, what do you expect from me sdfjsfhsf
I can’t literally can’t we were all right LMAO j2 fallout theory is real and cockles (Misha supporting Jensen) is [gunshots] I’m just laughing cause what the hell is this timeline we’re living LMAOOOOOOOOOO
we would always end up here <3
Do we have the copypaste anons to thank for JP basically confirming the J2 fallout? lol 🦚
yes, everybody say 'thanks annoying idiots!'
ROSE, WAKE UP, COME HERE,
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON FFS
YEAH I KNOW BUT I NEEDED SLEEP
Anticipating that there's going to be a lot of yelling about the prequel on here: I am cackling, but also, I mean, the first time Dean got a look into his parent's past, Cas was the catalyst: literally entered Dean's mind and catapulted him to the 70s. So idk, it's not completely unreasonable to expect some Cas cameos, maybe setting up a parallel timeline since Dean is narrating. What I'm saying is, this is Jackles, he's getting JDM and Misha in on this lmao -Honeymoon Anon
you were right lmfaooo also i fully agree. misha's tweet further cemented that thought for me. he knew about this prequel and i dont think he is cas-baiting us, i think he'll be involved. i'd also be obsessed to see jensen and jdm act together again (though idk who jdm could play seeing as it's a prequel and he is way too old to play young j*hn)
longlivethetribbles heeft gevraagd:
Heyyyyyy bestie, are you SEEING the absolute madness going on right now holy shit
well a little late but I SURE AM BESTIE
bestie wake up pls s16 finale just dropped.
- 🍯
and WHAT a great one it was
I love coming home from work to see all of the chaos unfolding on Tumblr and Twitter. I'm absolutely buzzing right now. I'll probably still be here by the time you wake up and check tumblr 😂 - 🐢
lmaooo and were you still awake?? did you see my freak out??
Oooh bestie wake the fuck up, I know you’re gonna be excited for this one jsnsjsj
god i had SUCH a morning like. it's 12:00 now and all i did since i woke up is check tumblr rip
short summary: jen and dee gain the rights, they post on ig/twitter about a prequel ft john and mary that no one asked for, the fandom loses its everloving shit as usual, they trend on twitter thanks to the beloved twt intern who missed us, misha qt’s jen about cas possibly benefiting from being in the prequel, then j*red qt’s jensen abt how his feelings got hurt by him not being told about a prequel his character as no involvement in & he initially throws a tantrum, and the rest is history - 🦋 anon (ps: i hope this helps a little, i’ve been scattered brained trying to keep up with it all night lmao so pls let me know if i missed anything, bug crew !!)
thank you so much darling i figured it out eventually but this is a helpful summary!!!
I hope you enjoyed waking up to all of this XD -🐢
i sure did!!! also that answers my question about you being awake lmao
I WILL NEVER EVER EVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR SLEEPING THROUGH ALL OF THIS DRAMA AND NOT EXPERIENCING IT IN PERSON I DIDN'T NEED THIS SLEEP - tea anon
well the party was still going strong this morning so im not TOO "gutted" see what i did there lmaooo
Now that you are caught up with the news... So idk if you remember this but...didn't jarpad tell jackles he was up for a reboot in an online panel? And jackles answered that this was news to him??
-🍯
yeah i think you are right but he was clearly joking and didnt expect jackles to actually be working on something already
J2 anon spare more of those anons let's finish this - tea anon
please, we're having a ball in this bitch
I saw a post on tumblr where someone said now that Kripke gave J&D the rights, maybe they’re starting with a prequel just to end on a reboot in years time and honestly ? I wanna believe that so badly. This is tinhatty but what if this is all calculated in a way that makes it so that Jensen is slowly starting to fix everything that was wrong with spn - now that he has the rights and he’s slowly making spn his own story ?! I mean he did say in his ig post he wants to ‘fill in the rest’ - and maybe Mary and John’s story is only the beginning of spn related content from J&D to come ??? Maybe he wants to give spn the justice it deserves ?? Thoughts ??
i dont think this is tinhatty at all i think this is very possible and not that much of a reach. i could see this happening yeah for sure
want to hear something funny. I found out I had a ruptured blood vessel in my eye because I was sending my friend a video freaking out when the prequel news dropped and I noticed the corner of my eye was red af. and when I got back online jared had tweeted.
DJFHSJD ANON THE CHAOS OF IT ALL, HELP, are you okay? <3
rose.. bestie... how are you feeling about The News? nsfshsf being european is a curse </3 🐞
i feel GREAT im living for it i feel on top of the world tbh (and yeah it really is dsjfhs)
What am I waking up to I can't WHAT I rested my eyes for like 5 minutes help *hits reblog button* - anon anon
yep yep essentially djfhs
“Jensen and Misha are Co workers who barley talk”
I can’t be sure of course but I’m fairly certain that this is the copypasta that brought the j/2 fallout theory back to life. Who’s apparently ‘barely talking’ now? skansjsjsj. It’s almost prophetic, these j/2 anons have superpowers I’m telling ya.
-poker face anon
next time we get one of them we should be thanking them lmaooo
ok, but are we gonna talk about the "When Daneel and I formed Chaos Machine Productions, we knew that the first story we wanted to tell was the story of John and Mary Winchester [...]"-quote because the way this is phrased implies they formed CHAOS MACHINE Productions with the intent of telling this story (first), i haven't been in this dumpster long enough but the name just tickles me in that Misha way, isn't it so sus??? am i missing something???? i mean with this announcement they SURE lived up to that name... 🧩-anon
you are absolutely right, chaos machine SCREAMS misha and we are all here for it!!
hey hey hey. joining the clownverse, there's no way THEE cas girl danneel doesn't know just how much the fandom loves misha and cas. so 2 + 2 = misha in the spn prequel!
AGREED
So I think I finally managed to catch up on wtf happened while I was asleep and my brain melted. What a shit show to wake up to.
Anyway thoughts.
I don't hate the idea of a Mary&John sequel. I think it has the potential to be good (It has the potential to be really bad too, so I'm kind scared).
🕯️🕯️🕯️ manifesting Mary being badass and John being kinda useless🕯️🕯️🕯️
As for the Jensen and J*red thing.
I can see Jensen not telling J*red even if they are still friends, because J*red is kinda good at accidentally telling Secrets. He could have told him right before he announced it so, so that J*red didn't have to find out from twitter. He was on the show for 15 years, he is bound to get asked about it. The public twitter meltdown was really unprofessional so. Like you have Jensen's number J*red. You could have sorted that out in private like a normal person, but instead you choose to act like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
Is it weird that I'm actually going to be kinda that for them if the actually had a falling out, even tho I don't like J*red all that much. They seemed to be really important to each other and while I thought before that the might have triefted apart a bit, I didn't think that the where actively fighting.
- 🐌 anon
the thing is, the polite/normal thing for jensen to do was text him before announcing it on twitter. it's weird he didn't, and that makes me believe that maybe yeah they did have a falling out. especially with the way j*red responded to it on twitter. if he had no other reason to be this upset (no prior beef or falling out) you'd think that he wouldn't be responding like this. on the other hand, the man is a mysterie to me so who the hell knows. i'm not gonna mourn about it if they did/do grow apart because j*red is just.... awful imo.
#frog anon#bee anon#peacock anon#subtlerainy#honeymoon anon#bestie mutual#honeypot anon#turtle anon#butterfly anon#tea anon#ladybug anon#anon anon#poker face anon#puzzle pieces anon#snail anon#good lord i think i got more anons about this than about anything else before lmao#good luck to anybody who actually reads this <3
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my ask didnt send i am going to murder. anyway BEEP CLASSPECTING... now im thinking abt that and aimsey. from the top of my head/only briefly thinking, beep as rage or void vibes with me? (obvs not the typical rage player you see, more like the nuance we were discussing). and aimsey as a life player?
oooo void beep would be suuper cool :oc rage too, he is very fucking stubborn and does have outbursts rather often (also rage players in canon usually have connections to magic, and then the homestuck rage players all had religious themes so, god stuff). meanwhile void fits beeps heavy "this is all irrelevant and you could never understand any of this", and his own belief that even what he does just doesnt matter. personality under a veil (not necessarily a facade), fundamental inability to understand and truly perceive it all.
id say he doesnt fit rage enough, if only because rage players are fundamentally about survival instinct, and, well. beeps already dead, and he seems to be perfectly fine with the fact that one day he just wont exist at all. hes not scared, though he is easily pissed off, but in the end he just sort of likes messing with shit and being in control. lil dickhead (affectionate)
honestly, since he almost fits rage but not quite, he.. almost acts like a prince of hope (unfortunate eridan kinnie). destroying beliefs and asserting his reality as the Absolute Truth, dragging others like aimsey into his delusions and being in a situation where aimseys putting her faith into him even though hes not a good person because she feels the need to believe in him and connect with him, because she genuinely feels like hes the only friend they have left, and because aimsey wants desperately to believe in what beep is trying to show her, desperately wants to understand. he shuts down things he believes to be false, to the point where he can make them false by simply destroying the problem.
hes a force of outward destruction, destroying what he believes to be flaws in others. theyre heavily defensive, putting everyone beneath them, believing hes the one thats doing it Right, and ultimately, he believes its his right to control things. he doesnt trust anyone, he reacts to any fear he may have with anger, lashes out, and the "TELL. NO ONE" scene almost showcases beep shattering and hurting aimsey before he steps back and give a quick "sorry!". his arc seems to be leading up to him realizing he can care about aimsey, that he can trust her to believe him and in him, and he seems to be dealing with the concept of trusting aimsey with his beliefs
hes definitely not a general hope player, but specifically prince of hope could fit. onto possible void class combos, with, first, the notable fact that we dont know what kind of person beep may have been in the past, other than that he was destructive. we know about some events in his past, and how he feels about them (kinda), but generally, this means hes very versatile and has many class possibilities, depending on how we want to interpret what we do know.
for example, he could be a maid whose now in the apeshit stage, stubborn and repressive. its entirely possible he got so tired of listening to the other spirits that he got to the unhealthy stage, exploded, and now without anything stopping him, hes doing whatever the fuck he wants, because hes decided none of it matters, that its all irrelevant and he doesnt have to care because its his fucking universe and no one can stop him from playing god. he spends his time doing menial things, because to him, its all equally unimportant, so why not waste time? he cuts down unnecessary tasks, weeds out what he finds useless, etc etc. basically, he should still be independent, but he needs to be brought back down to earth (metaphorically), because hes kind of burnt himself out and is now fucking with things because he feels none of it matters anyways
sylph of void sort of works too, mainly his meddling and tendency to shut down anything that could reveal something he doesnt want revealed, as well as shutting down others viewpoints and he covers up shit whenever he wants. his motivations are, really, mostly unknown to us, other than that he seems to think this is fun. otherwise, he also has a tendency to try and fix things he thinks needs fixing (like getting rid of fairies and space creatures), and will often try to fix mistakes he sees in mortals. however, slyphs are ultimately healers, and beep just. is not a healer, and he doesnt necessarily invite creation of void in any way, since void isnt really destruction of anything, and what he does invite is destruction of things. hes also just too active to be a slyph
so, with the previous prince assession, theres also the possibility of him being a prince of light, which would mean he would act more like a void player. hed destroy light with light, destroy the importance of information with information. they strip away the importance of things, uses plain fact to force the perception that nothings really important. he dismisses the importance of things, purposefully acts ignorant to draw away from what he knows, destroys knowledge itself from a power standpoint (wiping aimseys memory), and in extreme cases, can physically destroy anything in his way, or assert over and over that what he said/did isnt real, that nothings true or important other than what hes saying. again, little shit. if i had to make up my mind, i think prince of light fits the most
as for aimsey, i think life does fit him really well, shes definitely got the similar "girl next door" kind of vibes, while still being really interesting in her own right. she definitely starts out as a typical fictional life player, enthusiastic, energetic, genuine, wanting to effect the world. shes a normal girl (and this isnt an insult, rather, her being so normal ties the magical themes of the bear smp together really well, and its a perfect way to use a life player, make them be a catalyst for both the normal life player and eccentric others to shine). however, as she struggles with losing trust in bear and not being treated well, not having anyone that cares about them specifically, the energy starts to falter, but comes back when they feel the need to be rebellious. notably, while aspects arent super literal, she contrasts beep so much in just how alive she is, which fits her being a life player rather well. except, as i said, aspects arent literal, which means aimsey being a life player translates to her showing what life means in a metaphorical sense.
life is about agency. its about what you do, your ability to do so, its about asserting your will. not what drives you, but simply you doing at all. interesting enough, life players can be hard to pin down because life is about desire and agency, while the players class defines their ideology. life players can become obsessed with an idea that they need to do something, that they need to change how systems work, and often can cloak their want to fulfill their individual desires as altruistic want to fulfill others needs and desires (i.e., aimsey wants a friend and someone who pays attention to her and is genuine towards her, she feels like shes found that in beep, and as such starts to cloak her want to be his friend as aimsey wanting to help beep rather than aimsey themself).
as for said class.. this was, hard. because of how heavily influenced life is by the class its paired with, and because aimseys arc right now is trying to deal with feeling like shes too much and unneeded, it means that i have to really consider how that connects with which classes struggles. so, i ended up with sylph. aimsey is a creator, and she tries to heal as well. "allowing creation/healing of life or inviting creation/healing through life". from a literal standpoint, she tries to help bear heal by trying to get him to open up, to live, to make friends and interact with people. this could almost seem like a blood player move, but while a lot of aimseys arc is about bonds and relationships, shes not really a strong connecter or leader, shes just good at inspiring others to be, to her own detriment.
also notably, unhealthy sylphs crave, whether craving more of their own aspect, or craving another aspect when they feel theirs is not enough. aimsey talks a lot about how she grew up doing things by her lonesome, and now that she feels like people are moving on without her, she may be craving blood (that sounds so awful out of context). she wants attachments, wants to be the person that brings everyone together, but.. she isnt, not in a way thats appreciated. and due to her insecurities, she sees this as a flaw within himself, and as something to fix. so, she latches onto beep, and desperately tries to have as much of an effect on their life as they do on hers. like life players in general, sylphs try to solve their problems under the guise of helping someone else with theirs. currently, aimsey seems to be trying to find what she needs to do, because when she tried to do what she thought she needed to do, she (from her perspective) failed, so now shes trying to make up for her perceived failure within herself by trying to help herself through helping beep. i would think into it even more but i think its probably best to just leave it here KEKW
#angel answers#long post#im afraid to count the paragraphs on this one tbh#i dont think its That Much but it felt like it#beep bsmp#aimsey#bear smp#bsmp classpecting#hs
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danny phantom season 2, ep 12-16 thoughts! these episodes, in comparison to the first 10 or so, felt way more laid back and low-stakes, which I appreciate sometimes. I didn't appreciate how lazy jack's halfa design was in masters of time, it made me so annoyed I redesigned it. 👎🏻 u_u
see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3
-'picking a fight with me and my upgraded form!' 'you upgraded to a mullet?' DANNNNY. YOU CANT SAY THAT TO TECHNUS. YOUVE HAD A MULLET TWICE NOW ('fun' split danny, and evil future danny BOTH HAD THEM). I HAVE THE RECEIPTS.
-danny seeing technus hurting valerie and yelling I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF. SAMEEEE <3
-axion labs is now a part of vladco. FUCK YOU VLAD. hes not even really IN this episode, but just thought I'd throw out a nice fuck you anyway.
-'capable of blasting a single person into space in (2) minutes!' tucker. that would kill someone. i mean yeah they might get to space, but theres NO WAY THEY WOULDNT CATCH FIRE, OR THEIR ORGANS WOULDNT LIQUIFY BECAUSE OF THE STRAIN. THEY'D PROBABLY PASS OUT BEFORE THEN, BUT. ...no, okay, I get why vlad bought this company. this is RIGHT up his alley.
-danny KNOWS VAL DIDNT DO THIS, THAT SOMEONE STOLE THE SUIT. AND SPENDING ALL NIGHT CHATTING WITH HER. <3 and val is a 9TH DEGREE BLACKBELT?? danny's mom is, too!! omg and she hunts ghosts, his parents would love her. and her fav fruit is kumquat bc its a funny word. im so with danny val is amazing. I love her and I Do Not Want To Hear It From Sam.
-I knew danny wanted to be an astronaut, but the bowling tidbit is like. yes give me more useless info abt these characters, I love tiny details that make them feel more human, and im glad hes got hobbies aside from ghost stuff, we dont really see a lot of that!!! (I mean, we knew 'fun' danny from when he split himself in half liked bowling, so obv it makes sense he LIKES it, but hes very GOOD at it. so proud of him, bowling king) val calling him neil armstrong and them teasing each other. LOVE THAT.
-technus you are my favorite grandpa for setting this up. SAM WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CREEPY BE HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND!!! STOP SPYING ON THEM!!! who actually cares if technus did 'set them up' together, theyre having fun and enjoy each others company!!! 'you think the universe wants you two to be together?' 'i dunno, but maybe /I/ do!' EXACTLY DANNY!!! SOO TRUE.
-and valerie being happy sam said she wants to try and be happy for them and make room at the lunch table for them. and hugging sam over it. VAL NEEDS MORE FRIENDS.
-VAL GOING AFTER TECHNUS IN HER SUIT WITH (1) MILK, AND (1) TREE BRANCH AND KEYS!!!. I LOVE YOUUUU BEST GIRL. her new suit kicks ass
-dannys like 'HEY IM AN ASTRONAUT :D' AW. ...HES IN SPACE... the fact he's actually intending to give her the ring. with SAMS NAME ON IT?? IM CRINGING DANNY NO. YOU CANT DO THAT...thank god he didnt. thank god valerie cut it off and said they can just stay friends for now. tbh, they both have a lot on their plates!! they obv both still like each other...it can be a future thing!! when she knows about phantom! youre 14 theres no need to rush. I just want her to have friends and be happy :(
-...danny struggles to do (1) pull up. SAME. but all the ghost fighting in phantom form REALLY doesnt carry over at ALL? that sucks
-sam being as fit as she is, is not just a goth. shes a goth jock.
-honey I Shrank Our Kid, One of his Enemies, and his Bully: the episode
-dash's crush on phantom is So Obvious. fitness buddies :) watching them interact always makes me laugh. also, phantom, with PANTS. 'how many costume changes you gonna go through, what is this, vegas??' DASSH DJKSFHASKDF
-MADDIE GOING AFTER THE MOUSE WITH A BROOM, WHAT THE FUCK. AAAH. JUST BUY SOME KIND OF MOUSE TRAP.
-danny likes lime and vinegar chips. which sound very good.
-'our boy finally has the physical prowess of a 60 year old president!' ...poor danny LMAO
-'what's wrong with beauty pageants' oh tucker you sweet naïve child. what ISNT wrong with them. who approved this for a high school?? (I mean, yes. unfortunately child pageants exist, but...) also danny and tucker once again treating the pretty girls like objects. I need to meet the grown man who wrote this, I just want to talk...
-prince aragon's dragon form reminds me of maleficent (color scheme wise) which is always a bonus. considering the episode is called beauty marked, I feel like the sleeping beauty references are deliberate
-sam with the fake fangs. once again her accessories never miss. hate the 'not like other girls, girls who get sucked into this kind of thing are all shallow and all want to be carbon copies' bs tho.
-sam trying to be the Worst Bride, being rude as shit. DORA IS GOING TO GET KILLED. DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE SHE SAID THE PRINCE WILL HAVE HER HEAD IF YOU ARENT THE IDEAL BRIDE. YOU /KNOW/ DANNY WILL COME SAVE YOU. JUST ACT CHILL UNTIL THEN. even if you were doing fine to get him to take off the crown, consider maybe not letting his poor sister get punished also?? sure, she could also take off the crown and has dragon powers, but did you know that for sure?? dora didnt even really realize it until you guys talked!! (or at least, she was scared to stand up to him. you had no guarantee she would...) but. good for dora. ANOTHER friendly ghost to add to the List :)
-tucker is so under appreciated in his time. if he was doing a tech-based campaign today he'd have a better shot. people in 2004 had NO IDEA how much tech would be a part of our day-to-day lives...altho. tbh if you're going to be running for student council president, maybe you should..focus on things to actually improve the school? since he's going for a tech angle, he could say like, he would be running fundraisers for the schools computers to be upgraded, etc? we've already SEEN he can be good at money-making entrepreneur type stuff!!
-oh my god wait. this episode is JUST YUGIOH?????! A REBORN PHAROH USING A TEENAGER AS A VESSEL?? YESSSSSS
-tucker using his new minion to feed him grapes and carry him. AND LOCUSTS ONTO THE BULLIES. I love how when he's possessed, he gains winged eyeliner.
-this episode is giving me big 'plankton makes everyone in bikini bottom his slaves and build monuments of him from the spongebob movie' vibes. and the pharaoh has a traitor who works for him? VERY big yugioh vibes. aknadin confirmed
-I like that danny is still completely exhausted after using ghostly wail. (still patiently waiting on him to get duplication)
-LOVE the fenton's 80s outfits. I get hes 14 and embarrassed by everything they do because theyre his parents, but. cmon, this is one objectively cool thing theyve done. love 80s fashion.
-...was vlad just standing on that streetlight waiting for danny to come out? how'd he know they'd be coming out the back? how long has he been up there???
-oh, wait, his ecto-acne has flareups? that SUCKS. danny was...well I dont want to say he was LUCKY HE HALF-DIED, but he was lucky his was pretty instant (I'm assuming that had to do with the power/scale of the portals being different?) I remember in the ep we met him, vlad made a point of saying he was stuck in a hospital for a long time, so. that really actually sucks and I feel bad. not that it excuses anything he's done...but like. it does suck.
-vlad being so sure danny wouldnt help him he made it somehow contagious to his friends to make sure he'd get help? danny is a nice boy, he wouldve helped if it was anyone else. the only reason he wouldn't have is because of the shit vlad did to him, on purpose. vlad 100% dug his own grave by being the biggest asshole, so it is very hard to feel bad for him.
-clockwork is back!!! and making danny learn lessons The Hard Way. Uhhh, okay. I kind of get Danny’s logic, that time traveling this far back would prevent vlad from becoming a halfa also, ergo no arch nemesis or ectoacne to worry about. But the fact that was basically the first solution Danny came up with to solve this problem is actually so funny. It’s so extreme
-APPRICIATION FOR THESE 80S LESBIAN BG CHARACTERS.
-vlad telling maddie in the lab (in the 80s) he has something he's wanted to tell her 'for a long time'...how long have they known each other? I assumed they met in college, since jack always calls vlad his college buddy/roommate, so jack and vlad for sure met in college, but did vlad know maddie longer? thats surprising if so. Tho we don’t know what year of college they’re in so they could mean they met as freshmen and a few years have past…speaking of maddie shes crushing the 80s look.
-vlad blames jack, but. maybe dont stick your face 2 inches from the portal??! THIS FEELS LIKE LAB SAFETY BASICS. IF SOMETHING HAS POTENTIAL TO BE DANGEROUS, DONT GET NEAR IT. WITH YOUR FACE UNPROTECTED IN ANY WAY. (altho jack didnt really give a Big Warning besides screaming BONZAI. so. also that, but cmon.) also, they need gloves, goggles, and to pull all of their hair back tbh. but fuck lab safety, I guess!
-cryyyyinnng at how lazy they were with jack's ghost form design, its just plasmius' design on jack!!! you couldve given him his own design!!
-there. I did that in about 10 minutes and its somehow less lazy than what made it into the show. embarrassing! better yet, I think the episode would've been better if maddie would've gotten the ectoacne. or maybe its just me, wanting to see her design! anyway. I'm sure people have already done redesigns of them both as halfas. I have to go look after I finish this watch through. Also mildly frustrated jacks resentment and bitterness is basically also a copy paste of vlads backstory. They’re different characters, I really don’t think jack would stew in bitterness and jealousy the same way vlad would!! I also don’t think he’d give up after one time of trying to hunt ghosts and getting laughed at. Our canon timeline says different…I dunno, I get it was for laughs, but I’m annoyed because the POTENTIAL this plot has…
-did vlad really wear a stupid cheese hat to his wedding. ok actually that kinda rules. and the cheese door knocker. the dairy-only buffet table. vlad still got rich, just on being the New Dairy King. (Assuming that means he owns a lot of dairy businesses?) ok! this actually is great. hope maddie isn't lactose intolerant!
-'no matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of my ghost half, the half I knew Maddie could never accept' ohh, ouch, what a horrible thing to say to her HALF GHOST SON. 'YOUR MOM WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU' BASICALLY.
-maddie strapping danny to the table with a lazer pointed at him in a secret lab she keeps from vlad that she makes a point of saying is sound proof so he can scream all he wants...CHRIST. DANNYS POOR PYSCHE.
-also, not to feel bad for alternate vlad (because, he did lie to maddie saying jack blames her and never wants to see her again...) but. being married to a woman 20+ years and she immediately goes back to jack? if she didnt love vlad and feels like she had to hide shit from him, and says she wasted her best years with him, WHY MARRY HIM. it feels like leading him on!!! cannot believe im feeling bad for vlad, but. this alternate timeline vlad is significantly Less Horrible than Our Vlad. did she not think she'd get funding for her ghost stuff? (which, fair assumption since they're considered 'ghost fanatics/nuts in canon...but...) why did she think jack or vlad would be her ONLY OPTIONS? be like your sister. be single. Actually, this au could’ve been really interesting if after the accident, vlad lied to her and said jack never wanted to see her again, but she stays single. Imagine how much that would bug vlad… like, in her mind, it was never a competition it was jack or no one type situation…
-danny being like 'leave him ALONE' this jack is a HOMEWRECKER, DANNY. let them go to court and settle this at the least. ...or just throw vlad into the portal. (100% human, defenseless vlad) CHRIST, MADDIE THATS BRUTAL. THATS MURDER.
-danny seeing his mom immediately accepting him and his dad being half ghosts in this universe, if I was him this would be a great sign that his universe's maddie would also.
-*maddie voice* "clockwork will help!" *2 seconds later, with clockwork* "I will Not Help." TOUGH LOVE KING. YES LET DANNY SEE THE SODA HIMSELF AND DEVOLP BETTER OBSERVATION SKILLS.
-when clockwork ""reset time to the way it was"" just before danny "meddled"" ...did he really erase a whole alternate timeline? ...damn. because maddie and danny both called it an alternate timeline by name, it splitting when the college incident went different, so it wouldnt have really mattered if he reset it, right. like because danny's timeline is on a different stream? why didnt clockwork just. show danny a replay and not Reset That Timeline. wh...I wonder how many people that Erased From Existence. Anyway! once again stating clockwork is casually terrifying!
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okayokayokay i have like. Q U E S T I O N S because i have *wanted* to read no longer human but have been afraid to SO -
1) what's it like? what do u think of it? im sooo curious 👀
2) do u think that asagiri-sensei based bsd dazai sorta off the book more than off the actual authour? i seem to remember reading that once but i dont remember if it was speculation or not
3) .......just infodump as much as you want, really; im Curious™️ and it looks like ur having fun with the book XD
p.s. - have fun with crime and punishment; thats a book ive DEFINITELY been meaning to read (but i havent had time to yet djfjdjfjf)
AHHHHHHH HI TYSM I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD ASK. I read the entire book in 2 hours before going to bed like four days ago, though it probably wasn't the best time to do it, that shit is nightmare fuel
I'm just gonna preface this with I know basically nothing about the actual author other than what's in the book, also I read the manga version (the junji ito one, yeah) so yeah I'm not sure how much that differs from the original text.
So for how much he based it off of the book vs the actual author, I couldn't really tell you- no longer human is somewhat of an autobiography, so I'd say that those work together. (it's complicated, bc the main character of no longer human is not actually dazai, but dazai is there, and they like??? basically say that that character and dazai are like actually the same person???? and they like, switch places at the end?? its really confusing, but basically, I'm treating the mc of no longer human as dazai himself.) The important stuff about the author that I know of worked into dazai's character is all in no longer human too so,,, yeah. I think saying that it's based more off of that book is probably true, though I don't know what asagiri was thinking.
But about the book itself- Yeah uhhhhhh seriously, I don't really recommend reading no longer human if you have much of a sensitivity to basically anything, especially the graphic novel version because when i say graphic novel i mean Graphic there is so much nudity, sex, s/a, addiction, violence, Mental Illness of all types, religious trauma, obviously suicide, and frankly just visually horrifying stuff
So everything under this is gonna be under a cut just cause Uh Yeah It's A Lot and i do not want to subject everybody to it
But reading it was certainly something I am glad I did, because it did teach me a lot about dazai and how he was created, as well as confirming a lot of theories I had about him that can't be confirmed or denied in bsd canon.
Like me and my friend were just like examining his character and kind of coming up with ideas about him- like we both agreed that he had Motherless Energy TM and that his dad had to have been an absolute fucking piece of shit. Also, we thought that he definitely had to have had A Lot of csa trauma and probably issues having to do with his neurodivergency when he was a child.
Literally all of that ended up being true within the canon of no longer human, so I was kind of impressed that we were so right?? It makes me feel better for thinking a lot of those things, especially since they're just Pretty Fucked Up.
But yeah its. No wonder he turned out that way when he was So Autistic and Masking So Much And So Badly and with absolutely no guidance as how to deal with his neurodivergency other than just fucking let anything anyone wanted happen sooooo he got raped, as a kid, like. A lot. A LOT. And basically ended up thinking that because of this all humans were just horrifying awful monsters and yeahhhhh things pretty much went downhill from there
I don't have a ton of time so you can send me more asks about it lol this is just barely scratching the surface this thing is pretty intense
A lot of other things that I think I can apply to bsd dazai as well, tho they're not gone into that much in the canon:
-This dude is like always fucking drunk or high, cause he just cannot stand being sober that much. He's a serious alcoholic and actually addicted to opioids and I cannot think that much differently about dazai. He's got issues.
but there are a lot of differences between Dazai and the no longer human mc, though there are enough similarities that this is definitely the dude he was based off of.
The main difference is that the no longer human mc is actually just a good guy. He's made a shit ton of stupid fucking mistakes, but he's trying to be a good man and he feels awful for the things he's done, which, I really cannot say Dazai has. Dazai is not a good man, I think everyone knows that. He doesn't really care that much lol
-both of them are like. Weirdly popular with women. Which is hilarious but like, with Dazai he doesn't really take it seriously, and he actually flirts with women. The no longer human guy like. He doesn't hes just like Tragically Attractive and women want to be with him and he has no clue how to say no so he just ends up being a whore bc hes socially useless. It causes a lot of problems bc hes like constantly cheating because of this lol.
-Dazai has a much more poetic view of it all? The no longer human guy is just fucking suffering and hes like why is this happening to me im so awful and i bring misfortune to everyone around me and its not fair and he wants to die and everything but it's not at all in the same way that Dazai does. Dazai acts more like an author than him, in the sense of his "I want a death that is narriatively satisfactory and I want to know the meaning of living by seeing the worst of it and observing how it is to be a human" yeah that's not the same at all. No longer human man really just doesn't understand them and is just. Not having fun
-Also, it's really the thing about Dazai having such an utter lack of religion compared to his original counterpart. Like, the main thing that kept this dude alive for so long was the fact that he had so much religious trauma and was constantly guilty and worried he would go to hell and basically scared of everything. Bsd dazai is like, nearly the opposite, he's the kind of dude who was born and raised atheist, and in the kind of way that he's trying to basically come up with his own meaning of life and religion to follow, whereas the original is struggling to live with one that's been perscribed to him. Both are Very Neurodivergent but it was, handled differently
And yeah i really do have to keep this short, you can totally ask me more and I have a lot more to say but one thing I want to bring attention to is the fact of something they do have in common- their masking. It's a big part of no longer human, about how the mc doesn't understand social customs and what is acceptable or how to talk to people or seriously be happy, so he basically comes up with this "clowning" which is basically, make a fool of himself on purpose all the time so people will never take him seriously or think he's good or smart. That's something dazai completely does, wholeheartedly, and something that fucks him up bad in no longer human. And I think that could be examined a lot more deeply, this dude has issues and so many of them are related to autism. God, I have so many thoughts but aghhhhhhhhhhhhh i hope u enjoy
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i need you, right here, right now...
A older richie tozier smut story
summary: Richie and Emma haven’t seen each other in 27 years. memories lead to tears, and tears lead to sex...
not edited so may be some mistakes, sorry (also, pretend that emma was a loser in the movie or just make it a different name in your head)
Warnings: SMUT!, swearing, lots of freakin fluff , oral, self pleasure
a bit long but it’s worth it. you will cry and get you daily dosage of smut.
let’s begin, shall we...
Emma’s POV
Emma walked into her room. she can’t believe Mike convinced everyone to stay. but she had to admit, richie looked hotter than ever. not that he never looked hot or anything, but time was NOT his enemy. when they saw each other, sitting across the table at dinner, she felt her heart flutter when she heard him call her ‘hot stuff’ once again. the way he looked at her while taking shots was what she though was hot enough to kill her in that very moment.
Richie’s POV
Richie felt the same way. when he saw her again for the first time in 27 years, he went soft. he was planning on going there and freaking out over what mike asked of them, but when he saw her, he couldn’t help but be happy. And horny...
Emma’s POV
Emma was laying on her bed, looking at the roof. she was in deep thought. about richie. she doesn’t remember a lot form Derry, but the one thing that stuck with her, was the memory of sex with richie. she never had sex with anybody else that could make her feel the same way richie made her feel. yes, they were young. they knew that, but that didn’t stop their love taking over their minds. the way richie touched her made her shiver. she started to get horny at the thought of him. she played with her hair, and sucked on her fingers when she squeezed her breasts. her hands roamed her sides and stopped in front of her jeans button and zipper... she couldn’t do it. she wanted richie inside of her when she was in high pleasure. she got up, got in her pj’s and walked downstairs. she heard richies shower turn off, and all she could think about was how she wished she were in there with him. she shook her head and decided it was time for a drink.
Richie’s POV
Richie was showering. he couldn’t stop thinking about Emma. she looked so beautiful and hot that night. her hair long and layered. hair curled and her lashes long. her lips so plump and kissable. her eyes blue as ever. he knew emma was very unhappy with how skinny she was, but he didn’t think of her as super skinny. he thought of her as perfect, he regrets not telling her how amazing she looked. when the image of emma popped inside of his head, he felt shivers, he thought about the sex they had when they were 15. again, yes they knew they were young, but come on. they loved each other and it wasn’t just 2 stupid teens doing it, it was 2 passionate teens making LOVE. he never forgot the way she moaned and squirmed under his body. he loved the way she scratched his back. he started going hard at the thought, and had an amazing idea pop into his head. he was going to go get a drink for him and emma so they can talk. just the two of them. he hoped that she would feel the same and they could love again. he slipped out of the shower and heard footsteps going down the stairs. they were soft footsteps so it was either Bev or Em. he got dressed and sprayed some cologne and slipped on his shoes. he walked down the stairs and shivered because of the cold and his hair still damp. he turned the corner and saw her looking as beautiful as ever, in her pj’s.
3rd person POV
Emma froze when she saw him standing there. richie smiled and his heart beamed. emma couldn’t breath. he was so hot already and the fact that his hair was damp, made him even hotter, way to hot to comprehend.
“hey babe, what you doing there?” richie said in his original trashmouth tone.
“nothing. just trying to get something to drink. it’s so weird being back here. i remember certain things, but somethings are just blank, you know?” emma said taking a breath walking towards him, closing the fridge.
“believe me, i DO know. but im happy with the things i remember. what about you?” richie walked passed her opening the fridge and grabbing 2 bottles of beer and handing one to emma.
“yeah, m-me too.. so um, how have you been, it’s been awhile. i missed you... guys. like all of the losers..” emma metaly faced palmed herself for stutter like that. richie looked at her grinning while raising an eyebrow at her and sipping his beer.
“why you stuttering like Bill, sexy? iv’e been okay. missed you guys too. missed you more though....what do you remember that you like?” richie grinned deviously.
“that was an accident dip shit. and that’s good to hear. just some memories of hanging out with the losers. nothing else. you?” emma’s face grew red. richie saw this and decided to tease her a bit.
“oh you know, just hanging out with you guys, goofing around. and of course..... the sex. runs through my mind all the time. do you remember that, sweet cheeks?” richie talked slow and painfully as he walked extra slow in emmas direction. emma gulped loudly.
“oh, u-um i-i uh um, don’t think s-so. why?” she felt hot.
“oh, so you don’t remember me fucking the living shit out of you after the rock war with you pulling my hair and moaning my name over and over again? weird, because i remember you saying how you would never forget that moment...” Richie was very very close to emma’s face. she felt shivers when he looked down at her. in fact she felt more than shivers... she felt heat pool between her thighs and she squirmed.
“no,i-i don’t think so. did that really happen? wow, must have been great if i was pulling your hair. only do that when i’m at the top of the pleasure scale...” emma nervously laughed. she felt his hot breath on her neck when he leaned in to whisper in her ear.
“is that so? huh. maybe... i can make you remember... would you like that? or do you have a twiggy boyfriend? cause’ that would be to bad, now, wouldn’t it?...” he whispered. making it painfully slow and he heard her breath hitch. emma started to get brave as she now knows he feels the same way as her.
“i don’t have anyone. and are you sure you are good enough to make you remember? i mean, if i don’t remember it then doesn’t that show how shitty you are in bed?” emma smiled and turned. she walked back to her bedroom feeling victory, knowing he would come upstairs and beg to fuck.
she finished her beer and heard a knock on her room door. she knew it was richie so she quickly slipped out of pj’s while leaving her thong and bra on. she threw a robe around her body and answered the door. richie was leaning against the door frame looking serious. emma pouted her bottom lip to tease him.
“awe, did richie mess up trying to get a girl in bed? how does it feel baby?” she made sure her robe was hanging a bit so you could see her bra strap.
“shut the fuck up, em. listen, i missed you. so much. there wasn’t a day where i couldn’t stop thinking about you. even when in a hook up, i still wished you were there with me. i wanted to share a life and kids with you but you were in another city, most likely with another guy. and every year on you birthday, i wanted to reach out and tell you that i love you... but i fucked everything up when i left. i’m so so so sorry, emma.” richie was tearing up and emma broke. she couldn’t tease him anymore. he had tears rolling down his handsome face. she had tear welling up too.
“and i never had the courage to dial you number because i was so scared you wouldn’t love me back. i wanted to roll over every morning, and kiss you and have kids run in and jump up and down because it was christmas. i wanted all of that with you, but there was a chance you had that with someone else. and hearing that you forgot about about our firs time fucking, hurt so bad, em. it hurt so fucking bad. it was hard hearing that the girl i had my first time with, forgot. please tell me, did you choose to forget because of how mad you were when i left?” emma had tears rolling down her cheeks too. she wiped a tear off of his face and cupped it.
“rich, i didn’t forget. and i could never be mad at you, baby. i was just teasing you like old times. i think of out first time all the time. in fact, i have never found a guy that could fuck me like you did. fuck, i thought about you everyday too, hoping i would get a call from you. but i after awhile, i thought you has forgotten about me.” emma was crying with them wiping each other’s tears.
“fuck em, i missed you so much. i regret not calling you and-”
“i missed you too, rich” and with that, emma went on her tippy toes and kissed richie while still cupping his face. they both felt butterflies flutter around in their gut. emma tasted the hot salty tears on richies lips with the taste of beer. she LOVED it.
“now why don’t we make up for the time we lost, hey?” emma pulled him into her room by the collar of his shirt.
“that sounds like a perfect idea. god, iv’e wanted this for so long...” richie smashed his lips on emmas and undid her robe without detaching their lips. he gently pushed her onto the bed and began kissing her neck. emma forgot how good he was. he left hickeys down her neck.
“I want you, right here, right now...” richie said in between kissing emmas lips.
“then you can have me. all of me.” emma said as she looked into his lust filled eyes. they kissed and richie roamed his hands around her body.
“god, you are so fucking hot, lets get rid of these beautiful but useless items of clothing.” richie said while unclasping her bra and tugging at her thong. emma nodded her head.
“but why am i fully exposed when you still have everything on? i think it should be fair babe” emma pulled his shirt off, and started working his belt. they were kissing and whispering sweet nothings to one another. richie was still in his boxers. emma moaned at the feeling of his hard dick on her hip while he was sucking on her neck. she palmed him through his boxers and slid them down. her eyes went huge. he had gotten bigger since the first time. like, way bigger. richie went down in between her thighs and blew on her core.
“god, you so wet already, baby” rich said and then kissed her core. he licked up down her heat and she moaned loudly. she quickly covered her mouth, not wanting to wake anybody up or wanting anybody hearing them. richie pulled her hand from her mouth and said he wanted to hear her and that it didn’t matter if they heard. he stuck his tongue inside of her and she squealed. she bucked her hips wanting more and then all of a sudden, she feels 2 fingers thrust in and out of her slowly. she wanted more.
“rich, please! we waited 27 years, let’s just do it already.” emma whined and it made richie even harder. he pulled out his fingers and kissed emma.
“are you sure about his babe? this isn’t sympathy sex because i cried, is it?”
“god, no. rich, i missed you and i really want this. i want... you” emma said on the verge of tears again, richie wiped them and lined up to her entrance.
“ok, are you ready? tell me to stop if it’s too painful” richie was so in love.
“im ready, rich” emma gave him the okay and he slid in. she felt a wave of pain. it stung and she wasn’t sure if she could this. tears were rolling down her face. richie didn’t move and had a worried look on his face. emma started feeling pleasure and she nodded for him to keep movie, and he did just that. he went slow and then quickened his pace. eventually he was going very very fast. faster than ever. he was pounding into her. he lifted her leg over his shoulder and hit all the right spots. emma was a moaning mess. the room was filled with ‘rich richie richie richie richie yes yes yes oh oh oh baby i missed you fuck yes harder harder faster’ she was extremely loud. they were sweaty but they didn’t care. emma was close to reaching her high. richie reached down and started rubbing her clit rapidly. she practically screamed.
“fuck rich, im-”
“me too babe. ah fuuuck” and with that emma hit her high with richie and pulled his hair. richie groaned at her touch. richie didn’t stop pounding into her, in fact, he went even faster, not knowing how it was possible. emma felt her second climax coming and she rolled her her eyes ti the back of her head. she had never felt this good. EVER. richie released inside of her. she moaned and screamed. richie finally started slowing down. he pulled out and wrapped a blanket around them. he pulled emma into his chest, kissing emma. emma straddled him. he thought she was worn out but he was wrong. emma lined up her entrance with his dick, and sat down on it. emma burrowed her head in his shoulder. she bucked her hips. she started rolling them. she felt as if she was going to collapse. richie put his hands on her bare hips and helped her. she went at a fast pace until she reached her 3rd high. emma kissed richie and went to shower. she hopped in the hot water and cleaned herself. she heard the door close and then richie opened the curtain. he kissed her and started rubbing her sensitive clit. he then pushed in 2 fingers again, and emmas legs were shaking, ready to fall. she gripped onto richie while his fingers were inside of her, pounding into her with love. she came for the 4th time and for the rest of the shower, they kissed and gripped onto each other. after the shower they got dressed and got in bed. emmas legs were so sore, and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to properly walk the next day, but she loved it. she was about to pass out in richies arms, feeling complete, until a bang on the door messed with that. it was eddie. yelling
“you better be done fucking! i don;t need to hear that anymore. it’s nasty guys. we don’t want to hear that! but we are happy for your happiness i guess... now shut. the. fuck. up!!!!!!”
they laughed and finally fell asleep
extra: enjoy
-pennywise fight a week later-
richie told emma to get behind him. she looked at him and obeyed. pennywise started talking with his annoying voice.
‘tsk tsk tsk. oh richie trashmouth, you never learn do you. i know your fears and i love them. you are showing a lot fear right now. yes, and your only helping me. what would you do if i killed emma? huh? oh i think that’s your biggest fear, right? does emma know that you were going to ask he to stay with you? no? well it won’t happen. well lets make that fear, reality. hahahaha” pennywise did his annoying laugh and grabbed emma. richie screamed. pennywise opened his mouth and emma struggled to get out of his grasp. richie ran at pennywise, but the losers were yelling at him that it was fake. but richie didn’t want to take that chance in losing his love of his life that he just got back. he grabbed a metal rod and stabbed pennywise with it. but it was too late. the clown had bitten emma and was now feasting. richie fell to his knees and screamed, with teas rolling down his face him hitting the ground while watching her die in front of him. the losers were crying too but kept saying it was fake, which it was. richie got a hold of himself and stood up.
“you are just a fucking clown that loves fucking with our heads right. your’e just as FUCKING CLOWN!” richie yelled. the rest of the losers joined in and when it was gone, emma came back. she fell to her knees and so did richie. he kissed her and hugged her.
“em, holy fuck i thought i lost you! i love you so much, baby! i l-” richie realized what he had just said. they haven;t used the L word yet and he was scared emma wasn’t there yet.
“i love you too.” she kissed him again. the test of the losers joined into a group hug and decided to get out of there. they went to the quarry to wash off and emma and richie did not let go of each other. richie was trying to find the courage to ask emma to stay with him.
“emma, u-um i was won-ndering if you-ou would think about coming back to Chicago with me?” richie hated himself. he sounded so desperate, but in truht, he really was.
“richie, now you sound like Bill, and... i would love to. there is also something i need to ask... id your biggest fear really loosing me” emma wanted to know really bad.
“well, ya. of course. fuck. i dont want to loose you. ever agin. i need you and want you. i love you” emma was crying now. she had to tell richie something.
“i love you too, rich. but i think you should know the dreams you told me are coming true all at once.” richie was confused.
“what do you mean sugar?”
“well that dream of wanting to wake up beside me and kissing me in the morning.. with kids running into the room on christmas...” richie smiled.
“really? you want to have kids?” richie was so happy and emma laughed.
“rich, you dumb ass! we didn’t use protection... i’m pregnant!” emma said laughing but excited as hell.
“holy fucking mother shit! actually?! this is so fucking amazing!! i love you so much” richie kissed emma and then went down to her stomach.
“listen kid, i love you and you will have the best mom ever. i am so lucky you are my child.” and with that, richie kissed her stomach and picked her up bridal style.
“guess we should get married before you get all huge and can’t see your cute toes, huh?” emma slapped richie and said... yes.
that was the beginning of their long life they would have together.
[sorry that was so long. i just loved writing it so much!!!! HOW DID I DO?]
#richie trashmouth#richie tozier#richie tozier smut#older richie tozier#fluff#richie tozier x reader#it chapter 2
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chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.
dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably worsened and it's an absolute tragedy, it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything. and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary. especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness. but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate. at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally, there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second. not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through. a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened.
as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.
call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb. it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position.
talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement. idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.
try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination. they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference.
create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are.
i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond death. i can still talk to her, reminisce with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence either. anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.
*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need
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Im so sorry...is your sister a minor
yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so
lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao)
anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it
today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture
so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years)
i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me
my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk
anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in
he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol
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p5r “bad” ending
i feel like not enough people are talking about how genuinely fucked up the bad ending is in p5r, because here’s the thing--it’s not a bad ending. it really isn’t. this picture is proof of that. every single person in this room is so so happy and carefree and all of their dreams are fulfilled and nothing bad has ever happened to them.
and thats why its so unsettling. because the character development we saw in each of them has been rendered useless, that every single action up to this moment isn’t neccessary because someone else just gave them this happy ending. it’s not something they’ve worked towards, it’s the easy way out. instead of working through their pain, it’s wished away.
this is especially the case for akechi (the rat himself). he has told you many many times that he does not want to be in a world that he cannot control; he doesn’t want fake happiness, he doesn’t want this perfect cognitive vision--for once in his god awful life, the one thing he wants is to be able to at the very least have control in his life. he has lost everything, he has been a puppet to shido his entire life, all akechi wants is to choose his own actions and his own future. and saying yes to maruki’s decision would be the most fucked up thing you can do to akechi. you’re taking away the one wish he most desperately wants, and for what?? because it would make akira (the player) happy??? because you couldn’t stand seeing akechi suffer, even if that’s what he actually wants?? that’s fucked up. and that’s what makes it interesting.
This end photo is harrowing. i’ve seriously lost sleep thinking about this picture. everyone is so happy and joyful except for akira and akechi--the two people who know the truth: the sin and hubris of the player, the player who was so insistent on seeing their favorite characters be happy that they forgot what those characters actually want and have worked for: freedom. and that’s why it’s so freaking interesting and necessary to have the maruki palace arc right after the whole mementos thing--it forces you to see how hard these characters have fought for freedom for themselves and the rest of the world, and for you to throwaway that freedom is spitting in the face of everything they’ve done in the entire game.
it’s such an interesting gray area because honestly no matter how hard you try, it really is not an actual bad ending--if anything, it’s technically happier than the true ending. i was iffy with the true p5r ending at first but then i thought about it: the core difference between the p5 ending and the p5r ending is how grand the concept of freedom actually is. in vanilla, the ending showed us that with freedom, they can all travel together and live life however they want. but in p5r, it showed us that even if we have to seperate from our friends, from our new found-family, to achieve our dreams and aspirations, we should do it. because that’s what freedom is--being able to strive towards something from what we once thought was impossible. it’s so heartbreaking but beautiful and even though i prefer the vanilla ending (im a sucker for happiness), it’s seriously impossible to deny how the ending to p5r had shaken me.
#guys i hate akechi but hes just so interesting ok im sorry#p5#persona 5#p5r#persona 5 royal#mine#i just love talking about persona#if i was a white man id make a podcast out of it
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oh I'll give u a character alright: Izuki, Kiyoshi, Riko and Aomine <333 technically that's four, but what goes around comes around (I'll keep this circle of love goin forever buddy)
VICCCC ily my man <33 thank u!!! aight putting this under a cut bc it got long
Izuki
Why I like them: izuki’s just overall so amazing! he inspires me to give my best in the stuff i do, and although it sounds a bit silly i try to be a person that he’d be proud of. his puns are hilarious and well-thought-out (as a person who loves words and word jokes, i’m naturally drawn to him lol). they’re also a way to take the heat off the team, he’s so hardworking and never views obstacles as obstacles, rather as hills he must climb to find newer skies. he’s also rather clever and employs his brains to great effect when his body fails him! izuki embodies the meaning of ‘eagle’ in the truest sense - waiting to strike when the time is right and not failing when it is.
Why I don’t: *sweats* can’t really think of a reason i don’t like izuki, at all??? i guess he can overwork himself a lot and tends to keep his true emotions hidden which could lead to misunderstandings between friends (although this is totally headcanon territory lol)... i also didn’t like the ableist comment he passed on hayama (“i’m just glad you weren’t smarter than me”). but i think he can (and will!) grow from that kind of stuff, he is that kind of person so yeah no particular reason for me to dislike him at all
Favorite episode (scene if movie): how dare you make me pick s3 e8 izuki vs kasamatsu, hands down. i know its like cliche or whatever but that moment just told me so much about izuki as a character? he’s willing to do what it takes to win, he’s adaptable and dependable and he doesn’t let shit get him down ever. it’s gorgeous
Favorite season/movie: s3, he got some fantastic moments in there!! although i will say i loved the spotlighting he got in s1 in the seihō match
Favorite line: “Fear isn't a bad thing. There are some things that can only be done by cowards.” this is first of all such a nice thing to say. ‘fear is not bad’ is just... so fucking wise? keep in mind that this boy is 17, i’ve met 30 year olds who are less mature. secondly it feels like izu’s speaking from experience?? like he has a lot to be scared of, i’m sure. particularly of falling behind and being a burden to his teammates. but it’s that ‘cowardice’ that drives him to practice so so hard. that visceral terror of weighing on seirin is what pushes izuki beyond his limits - which is why here he can empathise with furi’s fear, and knows how best to employ it.
Favorite outfit: look i hate last game w/ a passion but that lil tie/shirt/hoodie thing he had going? that was literally so cute. izuki in general has a p great fashion sense but his last game outfit takes the cake <3
OTP: hyuuizu oh my god i could talk for years about them but since this post is gonna be very long i’ll refrain. just. they are perfect they are fucking perfect
Brotp: kiyoizu!! kiyoshi is izuki’s biggest enabler and i love that for him <3
Head Canon: izuki can be very very passive aggressive when he’s angry at someone/sad and gets cold and withdrawn. it’s not fun to experience but tbh if you upset him you probably deserve it
Unpopular opinion: izuki should’ve been naturally better in canon. it’s not fair to shaft him and give the ‘trier’ thing off to himuro. that being said i am p happy with who he is as a person
A wish: i want to know how izuki felt after middle school! izuki’s and riko’s backstory focuses so much on hyuuga its dumb >:( he also would’ve been demoralised but he didn’t quit bball and i would like to know his thought process!
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: i. uh. i guess izu quitting basketball. because i genuinely cannot see that happening. it brings him so much joy, he should never stop cold turkey. i can imagine old man izuki hobbling about a court giving little kids pointers and making them laugh T-T
5 words to best describe them: “big brain caffeine-powered clown baby”
My nickname for them: babyzuki/izu/shunshun
Kiyoshi
Why I like them: lots of reasons! kiyoshi is an admirable person. he’s strong, yet friendly and gentle, and he loves his team above all else, which i just find beautiful. i find his manipulative side also pretty cool, bc it shows off how multifaceted he is.
Why I don’t: this is more of a fandom reason but i really dislike how kiyoshi is always said to have had the greatest impact in hyuuga’s story. he badgered and manipulated hyuuga, and while some may argue hyuuga needed that push, it only worked bc hyuuga had had time to think about shit. he’d also been given space by riko and izuki (two integral parts of his life whom the fandom looooves to sideline for uwu kiyo//hyuu).
Favorite episode (scene if movie): yousen match (can’t pick the episodes)! i loved the backstory we got for kiyo vs mura and i loved how kiyoshi was willing to smile and play but also refused to lose. he truly stole the show despite kagami being the one to finally take down murasakibara, it was gorgeous <3
Favorite season/movie: s2 for sure. kiyoshi wasn’t allowed to shine much after yousen imo - all the focus was on hyuuga kagami and kuroko, and to a lesser extent izuki. not complaining, but yeah
Favorite line: “Let’s go have some fun.” i know it’s kinda cliche but i do love how kiyoshi’s always thinking about playing a good game and enjoying basketball. he wants to play because he loves it and as someone who loves a sport as much as kiyoshi loves b-ball, that love is so poignant and tender
Favorite outfit: practice clothes! kiyoshi looks great in pink <3
OTP: kiyohana. hateshipping amirite ;)
Brotp: kiyohyuu! i love them as friends so so much <3
Head Canon: kiyoshi is half-iranian on his mother’s side and is muslim. i won’t say too much because i am not muslim myself, i need to do more research into this but i’ve had this headcanon for quite a while now!
Unpopular opinion: he should be bullied more for the fact that his canon power is having yaoi hands
A wish: kiyo finds something he loves as much as b-ball. he can’t canonically play at this level again, so if he found another sport/competition/anything, it’d be amazing
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: he should never become demoralised. kiyoshi at heart is a dreamer, so let him dream, let him look towards tomorrow with a smile always
5 words to best describe them: “useless dreamy dumbass cheerleader clown”
My nickname for them: kiyoyo, bc my feelings about him have yo-yoed a lot lmao
Riko
Why I like them: im a lesbian, next. /j i love her because she’s so tenacious and driven. yet she’s also kind and gentle, and never loses her humanity. she cares, and she cares hard. she’s so fucking smart too like... coaching a hs basketball team at 17 against players of NBA calibre and making them win? i could never. seirin without riko is nothing.
Why I don’t: i dont like the constant slapstick of her beating up her boys. also, i dislike how the narrative forces her to act ‘feminine’ and then has the boys think of it as nothing. like first of all if someone like her offered me a kiss i would so take 100, and secondly... why is a girl’s worth so tied to her femininity? it’s awful
Favorite episode (scene if movie): her sending in furi vs kaijō, early in s3. it was an exceedingly smart move that could have only come from her knowing her players’ strengths and weaknesses intimately, and being a brilliant coach. just amazing <3
Favorite season/movie: all of them! riko has some amazing moments each season, so i can’t really pick
Favorite line: “Humans grow. Don't act like you understand when you don't even realize that!” here, riko knows and knows well that she is in her element. momoi might have the data, but riko understands adaptability and knows how to predict stuff. in that way, one can draw parallels between takao vs izuki and momoi vs riko: takao and momoi are recon experts, whereas riko and izuki are strategists. momoi uses raw data; riko manipulates the data to her advantage
Favorite outfit: idk if this is exactly an outfit but her glasses are so cute oh my gosh. (i’d kill to see her in a leather jacket tho)
OTP: rikomomo!!! i’m 100% sure that momoi’s fixation w/riko’s boobs is just... repressed lesbian sentiments. also sports girlfriends gimme
Brotp: hyuuizuriko. i hc that hyuuizu were tgt since elementary school and riko joined them in middle school so... childhood friends feels!
Head Canon: riko knows how to shoot a gun. her father owns one so it makes sense
Unpopular opinion: riko does not need to have bigger boobs in fanart. please stop sexualising a 17 year old girl
A wish: white suit riko please
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: her ever leaving behind sports in any way shape or form. it’s her thing. in the same vein, she should never have to change herself or become more traditionally feminine to be ‘appealing’
5 words to best describe them: perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect
My nickname for them: ai/riri
Aomine
Why I like them: aomine is just a pure, hurting young man that deserves help. he’s passionate, and his fire died down out of no fault of his own. that fire’s reignition through kagami is one of my favorite scenes <3
Why I don’t: he’s perverted as hell and i dislike that. it plays into the ‘brutish dark-skinned pervert’ stereotype which is yikes. also i thought we were done with pervs in anime
Favorite episode (scene if movie): s2 seirin v touou when kagami enters the zone!! aomine’s finally happy and it’s so amazing to watch <3
Favorite season/movie: s2, he finally got happiness and peace of mind
Favorite line: “You’re the best!” there’s just so much of pure joy in this line. he’s so so beside himself that he finally has someone he won’t destroy. kagami sees aomine the person, and that person is so happy, it’s beautiful
Favorite outfit: the leather jacket from the finale lmaooo he looked so cute
OTP: AOKAGA BABY i could write an essay tbh
Brotp: aomomo!! theyre such good friends and bi/lesbian solidarity too!
Head Canon: aomine cannot dance. he has stepped on kagami’s feet multiple times. he has also attempted to twerk when drunk. kuroko recorded the whole thing and uses it as blackmail in case the puppy eyes and “but aomine-kun you didn’t fist bump me back” don’t work
Unpopular opinion: more a fandom thing, but you all need to stop making aomine the aggressive/possessive top/‘seme’. it’s racist as fuck
A wish: aomine goes pro. it’ll be amazing for him, a huge challenge and kagami will be there too so its a win-win ;)
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: he quits again/b-ball loses its allure. aomine at heart is someone who needs passion to drive him so i just want that passion to always burn bright within him
5 words to best describe them: “bastard baby needs a hug”
My nickname for them: dai-chan, momoi rubbed off on me
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Palpatine raises the twins and accidentally activates Anakin’s dadmodus - An alternative Star Wars plot.
@jasontoddiefor: Palpatine raises the twins & angst w/ Vader not knowing who the two are
@dlegohargreeves: im gonna fuck shit up
written together on WhatsApp while listen to crack music.
------
(Barbara) Palpatine has long before he declared himself emperor abandoned the ways of the Sith. He uses them to create utmost loyalty to himself but he will not abide to the rules of his predecessor, one Palpatine would’ve defeated had he been around at that time.
People, be they sith, jedi, or other are all moldable to whatever he wants them to be.
He tricks Padme with sugar and soothed spun words, manipulates Anakin with spice and presses on his rage ("the jedi forbid you from loving your mother thats why you couldnt save her. i would never") -- Palpatine is aware of the long game, but he has eternity. He’s a god, no one will be able to withstand him.
What Anakin never realised was that he wasnt the actual chosen one, Palpatine had seen in his vision that Anakin's children were in fact the chosen ones, and so when confronted with the soft boy he molded him into this shell to avoid his vision from happening,.... and yet these damnable children are still born. Palpatine is terrified that he wasn’t the only one with the true vision and firmly believes that owning the twins would be the least risky choice. (like he owned anakin, who long ago posed a risk)
He hunts them down, -- while anakin/Vader is completely crippled by his mental breakdown about "murdering" Padme and his child. Palpatine smiles and lets him wallow, for what Vader doesnt know is that Palpatine the God poisoned padme once he found out about her pregnancy.
Palpatine finds them, born hours ago and already pulsing brightly with the power of the force. Obi-Wan puts up a fight but Palpatine strikes him. He gloats to Obi-wan, brags about killing Padme, about manipulating Anakin (”I have taken everything from you, and now I will take your life) and takes the children. He leaves Obi-wan to bleed out by his stomach wound a faraway galaxy (Palpatine reasons that Obiwan deserves it for this is how he left Vader to die. )
And so Palpatine at the rise of his galactic empire ends up with a crippled sith boy (not a man no matter what anakin thought), and with two babies who are most powerful force users in history.
(now were shifting to meta instead of story telling lmao)
Palpatine has a god complex, he doesnt actually believe he would ever die, such petty thing is only for the unfortunate. even if his body would succumb to age, his mind through the force would rule forever -- he is unstoppable. To rule however even a godlike emperor needs tools, and while Vader is to be his guarddog the twins he believe can be shaped and molded into his personal hands, amplify his reach across galaxies.
So to mold them into his tools, Palpatine believes in starving them for love, only ever receiving ounces of recognition and pride. always craving his acknowledgment -- and it works, the twins once old enough to have actual brains (according to palpatine) he removes their wetnurses and gives them teachers, makes their training cruel and harsh and make them compete for his gaze. And it works till a certain extent, but Palpatine’s god-complex makes him blind to things he deems unneccessary, And thus he misses how the mourning of Vader for his family, turns him into a guilt-ridden man who believes giving these children some form of attention and care as penance for his own misgivings. And thus without meaning to Vader gives the children the love Palpatine tries to deny them (accidentally shifting their loyalty on the long run)
Elias: Vader hates the kids at first, with them reminding him of everything he lost and could have had, but at the end of the day, after some aggressive introspection, he gets that they’re just kids and probably starts projecting a lot the longer he’s exposed to them -- Vader, guilty, sneaks them candy and gives them stuff that’s kinda useless (like books that are not about politics or war or economics and and and) and he doesn’t think it’s much but the two would kill a man for him and probably have done so.
((Palpatine tries to break apart the codependent twins, forcing them apart for weeks, but the Force, unlike anything is a tool in hands of desperate children with a bond so strong it connected their mind))
This is not healthy, Vader thought, recalling decade old lessons from the Jedi. The twins rarely spoke, never mind both at the same time. They’re asked for their opinions, echoes of the Emperor’s wishes, and only one of them replies.
They always moved at the same time, terrifying weapons of perfect synchrony, constantly aware of the other’s presence.
They were living at least half in each other’s mind, even when the Emperor depraved them of contact for weeks. They were clingy afterwards, holding each other’s hands and wrists until they bruised, but Vader knew their minds were never separated.
Luke slammed their teacher’s (victim’s) head to the ground as Leia kicked away his feet. They didn’t need any call signs, or training in coordination, one moved and the other followed. During battles, the twins’ dependence was a huge advantage.
“Again,” Vader called out and the two of them fell back into the first Kata, the bleeding teacher still lying on the ground.
Barbara: However once the twins are older they need to learn through missions, so Vader has to take them along for missions (once Palpatine believes they wont connect with Vader) - it starts normal but Vader slowly starts to make the missions longer, gives the kids downtime, lets them free and just engages small talk with them, he can’t face himself if he doesn't let them be actual children. But the twins are suspicious believing theres a catch but Leia, the master mind realises that theres none and so they accept reluctantly, and slowly but surely they learn how to be children under Vader’s tutelage. It takes time and dulling a sharpened blade, but the moment, that first time when the twins laugh and seem actually happy, its that moment that Vader decides, he has to become Anakin again, because these children are his second chance - And so he starts planning.
(insert a bit of crack:
Elias: Firmus: Lord Vader, are we to expect you and the Operatives back tomorrow?
Vader: we haven’t finished the mission yet
-Leia and Luke like 12 or so, in the background yelling in excitement bc idk they got a game, neither are in uniform-
Firmus: Of course )
Barbara: Anakin: "i made sand castles when I was young"
Leia: “that structure seems awfully unstable for a house”
But ever since Vader mentions the sand castle, the usually more mature one Leia clings to the idea and while he wishes he could show her, but his suit and wounds cant handle the sand. And when he explains Luke goes " well lets get u a proper suit then" and vader goes " im a moron" (leia in the back: yes duh)
So Anakin looks into the treatment he’s still receiving to see if he can make it so that his breathing machine could withstand the sand and realises that Palpatine is actually keeping his body weak, he has no need of the breathing machine because its that actual machine thats poisoning his lungs. So of course Vader does a lowrisk experiment and turns off the machine and he can actually breath fresh air in 12 years (the rage controlling Anakin is one different than those before, for it is ice in his veins instead of fire. And it makes him tactical instead of foolish for once). Soon after that Vader catches some rebel transmission and finds out that Obi-wan is alive and looking for the twins and its that moment that Anakin 'kills' Vader, believing that Obi-wan can save the twins in a way he can't.
Anakin takes the kids to fight the rebels on Palpatines order but he seizes the chance and instead he shows them his face without the mask (lets ignore the idea that hed be bald bc i hate the uglification of ani)
and Leia goes: You look an awful lot like luke
Anakin who hasnt actually seen his own image for 12 years, realises that luke is a spitting image of himself as a child, and leia who is glaring at him, he realises, is a carbon copy of Padme.
BUT anakin thinks hes projecting and doesnt follow up with it.
Instead he asks them (and for leia this will always be the most important part), he asks them if they wish to stay with Palpatine and do his bidding or to dissapear with him -- and well the choice is easy right, Luke&Leia don’t actually like Palpatine, because despite everything, the force made them sensitive and they feel so much (the despair of the people, the sadness of Vader, the greed of Palpatine)
So they leave for Tattooine, the one place where Palpatine would never look because he never found out that Anakin realised his suit was a boobytrap. The wanted pictures of the twins (both bald shaven and in uniform) nor the one of Anakin (known as Vader, with the helmet) soon dont match the long haired white dress wearing twins and the blond haired bronzed man.
and so Anakin and the twins go into hiding, but guess whose on Tatooine? Thats right -- ObiWan
#starwars#star wars#Star Wars fic#sw fanfic#Star Wars fix it#lmao im on crack yall#jasontoddiefor#fanfic#writing#my writing#sw:dadmodus
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tea + pmd :3c
rescue team is easily the most boring one and before the remake it was the most tedious one to play in my experience which makes me very happy it got a remake that improved its awful gameplay. now im not fucked when my teammate is on lowhealth
as much as i love it i dont think we need an explorers of sky remake, at least not yet. some quality of life improvements would be nice like how attacks work in the 3d games, but i feel like it hasnt aged poorly at all and is still a wonderful experience. i also feel like youll inherently lose some charm once the change from pixels to 3d models is made (and theyd HAVE to change grovyles portrait oh my god its so boring) id still buy it and play it and id die if new merch happened because of it, plus kids getting an opportunity to play one of the best pokemon games, but overall? i can wait
explorers of sky’s postgame is kinda spotty imo. theres some REALLY good stuff like blizzard island and manaphy, but theres also stuff like aegis cave and its where the unwashed asscrack darkrai’s plotline comes in so i dont really do the postgame sometimes when i replay it. also the partner not talking as much... i just feel like postgame isnt as strong as the main game. also darkrai sucks. a lot.
gates to infinity was good yall are just mean. i didnt care for the paradise mechanic nor did i like how missions were centered on it, but the story made up for it in spades. the message is basically “you should still strive to make a change in the world for the sake of not only yourself but for others and the next generation, and saying “life is unfair get over it” or “thats just how people are” is a useless slogan that not only normalizes that but makes things even worse” as well as having a wonderful message about positivity and depression and its just. im a little bitter the whole “strive to make the world a better place” is only attached to psmd and this game gets disregarded entirely despite psmd only really digging into the message in its third act while gates spend so much time building up and making the message worth it. psmd does an ok job at it but gates needs more credit
psmd is also like. okay. i really wish they had just picked a plotline and stuck with it rather than go with sooooo much stuff at once like the school and the expedition society and the stones and the sun and dark matter and allll the characters. i really wouldve liked to spend the whole game with the schoolkids, i love how espurr gets a starring role and comes back later on but i really wish the other kids couldve gotten a chance too when we spent so much time with them and then get into their chemistry now that all of them are on better terms with the partner rather than ditch them soon after that happens. also i dont like nuzleaf. not in the “oh he betrayed me im playfully bitter at this video game character” like i actually do not care for his writing. i feel like a lot of his character hinges on that plot twist bc really carracosta felt more like a dad to hero than he ever did imo. partner is way better and i wish they sorta had the attention that he has. also the fanbase likes to do that thing with him where they power him up and power hero down so he can have protective father moments where he saves them against a boss that they would have absolutely no problem with in canon and i really hate that in fandom so that could be part of why i just dont care for him. its the same reason i dont care for meta knight over in kirby lol.
paragraph break but psmd’s tone is actually extremely good, its the funniest pmd game by far and when it wants you to feel something you feel it hard and personal. the third act slams hard even if i personally feel like its cluttered, i dont really feel that way when im actually playing through that segment (not in the dark matter scenes tho im sorry but kirby’s version spoiled me) and the music is phenomenal and i love all the little callbacks and how gliscor is guaranteed to me bc of the connection orb mechanics. this is mostly just to say im nuanced on psmd i dont hate the game or even dislike it i just reallyyy wish it couldve been better. i love to replay it though and i love my team (jay the froakie and mimi the chimchar) so thats what really matters i think
also most of the popular ships suck like hero/grovyle, dusknoir/grovyle, scizor/froslass, gengar/gardevoir they all suck. boo. some are ok tho like hero/partner and grovyle/celebi
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