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cynicalone94 · 3 months

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Lightning Strike

WARNING: There is a suicide attempt in this chapter. Don't read if that bothers you.

Read on AO3 here.

Hailey is half asleep in the passenger seat of the truck. It’s been a long day, productive but starting in the pre-dawn hours and they’re just now heading for home with the sun long gone from the sky.

But they got the drug dealer off the streets so in Hailey’s mind, it was a good day.

But she can’t wait to get home and crawl into bed.

She’s suddenly wide awake as Jay swerves hard to the side of the road.

“Jay?” she asks, shifting to reach for her weapon as she looks around, trying to figure out why he’d pulled off the road.

“We’re good.” he says distractedly, pulling off his seatbelt and reaching for the door handle.

She trusts him, abandoning reaching for her weapon to get out of the car.

Jay hops over the pair of barriers to get to the walkway, approaching the final barrier between him and the water.

By the time he’s halfway there, Hailey sees the man standing on the wrong side of the railing and understands exactly why they’ve stopped.

A jumper.

She stays by the truck, calling it in and requesting backup. Her heart skips a few beats when Jay climbs the railing himself, leaning against to it next to the man.

But she trusts him so she doesnt move forward, not wanting to spook the guy by adding an extra body into the mix.

Instead she watches his back the best way she can, working with arriving patrol officers to isolate the bridge and set up a command post.

After what feels like days but in reality is only forty five minutes, she lets out a deep breath as Jay helps the man climb back over the railing.

His hand rests on the man’s shoulder as they make their way back to the road, head ducked low to keep talking to him.

The man is crying, tears streaming down his face but he’s nodding along to whatever Jay is saying.

She’s there when they climb over the last barrier, stepping onto the road.

“This is my partner.” Jay tells the man. “The reason I went to therapy. I didn’t want to do it anymore than you did but she threatened to ask for a new partner so I did.”

“And it helped?” the man asks.

“Yeah.” Jay says. “It did. They’ll take you to Chicago Med tonight. They have an incredible psychiatry department. They’ll help you find a therapist that works for you.”

The man nods, stepping up into the ambulance.

“I have to wrap up a few things here but I’ll check in on you.” Jay promises, shaking the man’s hand. “You’re going to be okay, Tommy.”

“Thanks man.” Tommy says, clinging to Jay’s hand for a moment before sitting back.

The paramedic wraps the blood pressure cuff around his arm and Jay closes the door, giving it a slap before stepping away.

Hailey follows him as he walks toward the center support and then stands in front of him as he leans heavily against it.

“You okay?”

“He’s been home six months.” Jay says, letting out a long breath. “The VA canceled four appointments in six weeks. And it wasn’t worth it so he gave up. Without someone to talk to… the stuff he saw just ate him alive.”

“What about you?” Hailey asks.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“You didn’t have anyone to talk to.” she says. “Did you…”

“When I first got home I was in pieces physically and mentally.” Jay tells her. “The VA couldn’t keep my appointments any better than Tommy’s and they prioritized physical therapy over mental therapy. I never met with a therapist. I spent the first six months essentially physically incapable of taking my own life and the next six months too drunk. But then I…”

Whatever he’s about to say is cut off as the air is shattered by a loud crack.

Light fills the sky above them and Hailey watches in horror, nearly in slow motion as the lightning travels down the support that Jay is leaning against and into her husband’s body.

Jay goes rigid, his head slamming back against the support as his hands twitch and spasm.

“We need another ambulance over here!” Hailey screams, unable to take her eyes off him.

When the electricity finally dissipates, Jay drops to the ground and Hailey lurches forward, dropping to her knees next to him.

Her eyes are immediately drawn to the horrific burn pattern spread across his back but she forces herself to ignore it, rolling him onto his back and leaning over him to place her ear directly above his mouth.

He’s still breathing, slow and shallow respirations that do nothing to settle her nerves.

She presses her fingers into the side of his neck.

Nothing.

She presses harder, searching for a hint of anything and coming up empty.

Shit.

She lines up her hands, placing them on the center of her husband’s chest and beginning compressions.

“Come on Jay.” she begs. “You were supposed to be taking me home, joining me in the shower and then we were going to sleep for twelve hours. Don’t do this to me.”

There’s no response and she feels her eyes water as she finishes a round of compressions and pauses to press her mouth to his, breathing air into his lungs.

By the time she’s upright again, paramedics have reached them and she watches while they rip his shirt and jacket open to press the AED patches into place on his chest.

Once they are in place, Hailey resumes compressions while the machine analyzes.

‘Shock Advised.’

She pulls back, nodding to the paramedic who presses the button to administer the shock.

Jay’s body jolts and she resumes compressions while the machine reanalyzes.

‘Shock Advised.’

She pulls back again, watching as another shock jolts through her husband’s body.

“We need to go.” the paramedic announces and Hailey helps them roll Jay up so that they can slide the backboard underneath him before lifting his limp body onto the stretcher.

And then she climbs onto it, swinging her leg over his body and resuming compressions.

There’s an enormous jolt as the stretcher is lifted up into the ambulance but she doesn’t stop, continuing compressions until the AED sounds again.

‘Shock Advised.’

She rolls off the stretcher, pressing onto the bench while they administer the shock.

She climbs back into place, resuming compressions as the ambulance lurches into motion.

‘No Shock Advised.’

“He’s got a pulse.” the paramedic tells her as she glances over at her. “It’s thready but steady.”

Hailey clambers off to settle onto the bench seat.

While she’s been fixated on her partner’s heart and the desperate fight to get it restarted, the paramedics have been busy.

An IV is running into his arm, carrying saline and she has no doubt medications that had aided in the battle to bring his heart back online.

An oxygen mask is in place over his face which has already lost several shades of color.

“Just hang on, baby.” she begs him. “Hang on.”

She walks into a room at Med, thanking the nurse for buzzing her through the door.

Thomas Kirkpatrick looks up at her in surprise.

“I thought Jay said he would be checking on me.” he says.

“Jay is a danger magnet who got struck by lightning within five minutes of you rolling out.” she says, shaking her head. “The doctors think he’s going to be okay but I know he’d want someone to check in with you, make sure you don’t think he forgot or that he was lying to you.”

“Lightning?” he says, eyes wide with shock.

“Yeah.” she says, huffing an exhausted laugh. “This is what I deal with on a daily basis.”

“You don’t sound very annoyed by that.” he says, tilting his head.

“I could do with a few less trips to the hospital.” she says. “But I wouldn’t trade having Jay as my partner for anything.”

“As just your partner?” he asks with a slight smirk.

“Way more than just my partner.” she admits.

He nods, looking down.

“He’s lucky to have you.”

“It goes both ways.” she assures him, biting her lip. “Look. I have no idea what the two of you went through over there. But I can tell you that whatever you’re feeling now, it can get better. When I met him, Jay was a mess. But he’s in a good place right now. And he likes to give me the credit but a huge part of it was his therapist, and him putting in the work. Because therapy sucks and it doesn’t work unless you do but it does help. And I can’t threaten you with finding a new partner but I will find something to blackmail you with if I have to.”

He chuckles.

“Interesting approach.”

“I mean, it worked once.” she says with a shrug.

“I’d like to give it a shot on my own first.” he says.

“Alright.” she agrees. “Just know that if you need me to, I’m happy to help out.”

He nods, actually laughing this time.

“You should go check on Jay. Make sure he didn’t get hit by lightning again while you were gone.” he tells her.

“Don’t say that.” she scoffs. “If anyone could, it’s him.”

“Thank you, for checking in.”

“Thank you.” she tells him. “I know you might be sick of it but I appreciate what you did for us.”

He nods and she offers him one more smile before knocking to be let out.

Jay is awake when she returns to his room and she breathes out a sigh of relief.

“Hey.” she says, hurrying forward to take his hand.

“Hey.” he rasps, blinking slowly. “What happened?”

“You’re a lightning rod now, in addition to a trouble magnet.” she tells him with a fake glare.

“Ouch.” he manages.

“Yeah.” she agrees. “You burned your back up pretty good, in addition to the whole stopping your heart thing.”

His eyes widen for a moment but he just nods.

“I check in with Tommy.” she tells him. “Told him you’d be by when the doctors agreed to let you roam, threatened to blackmail him into therapy if necessary.”

He offers her a smile.

“Thanks.”

“Could make a career of it.” she says with a shrug. “Getting stubborn men to open up about their feelings.”

“A necessary profession.” he agrees. “If there’d been someone doing it when I got home I might not have ended up on that bridge myself.”

Hailey’s heart clenches but she doesn’t say anything, just squeezes his hand.

“I recovered from my injuries and then spent those seven months drinking, smoking and screwing and it still didn’t make me feel any better. Honestly made me feel worse. And I just… couldn’t see any other way out so I walked to the North Avenue Bridge, climbed over the railing and stood there looking down at the water for six or seven hours thinking about how disappointed my mom would be with me.”

Hailey is torn between praising every deity that could exist that he didn’t jump and asking what had kept him from doing so.

“An off duty cop came by.” he says, looking over. “Talked me off the edge and got me help. And he didn’t check out once I was off the ledge either, he kept checking in, eventually talked me into joining the force.”

“I’d like to thank him.” she says honestly and he smiles at her.

“I could introduce you.”

“Good.” she says with a smile. “And then he can teach you how to do it without getting struck by lightning.”

#febuwhump 2024 #febuwhumpday1 #lightning strike #jay halstead #chicago pd #whump fic #fic #tw suicide attempt

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0h-b0y-n0t-again · 2 years

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Heres some daredevil angst comics enjoy <3 TW// Suicide, Blood, Death and trauma

Description: 1. Congratulations you survived your suicide (Matt wakes up, hes confused but alive) 2. Your sorry little heart bippity bops from side to side (Matt is shocked and gasps for air) 3. You get to see another day so whattya say (Sister Maggie stares down on him, concerned) 4. You bake some cookies for an orphan whos going blind (It shows young Matt, hes crying. His eyes are crossed out and his parents are crossed out. Hes the kid in this case) 5. Congratulations, welcome back to the grind. Congratulations, you survived your suicide (It shows the daredevil helmet and his weapons, implying hes welcomed back into his job as the devil of hells kitchen) 6. Yea you and that horror show clique you've been trying to hide. Ring ring ring, you've nailed down the windows and you've locked the doors (it shows Elektra before she dies, shes alive and well) 7. But the call was coming from inside, congratulations the good guys gonna survive. (A mangled verison of Elektra is depicted, just an abstract form of her.) 8. Congratulations, the killer is still alive (it shows matt, hes scarred and depressed. Its implied he was the cause of Elektra's death, blaming himself and calling himself her killer.) 9. You tried to pull the trigger, but your hand began to shake (it shows the building he was trapped in with Elektra, both meerly stick figures. Thats how disconnected Matt is, he feels it so vividly but yet can only picture them as meer stick figures.) 10. And so you dodged a bullet that you wanted to take! (It shows Matt floating in the water. Blood is seeping into the water, it shows that hes alive but was desperate to die then.) 11. Life is sweet and love is pure and true (it shows two people holding hands, its implied to be Elektra and Matt) 12. So we got ourselves a problem here (it shows matt sobbing while on a bed. Hes alone. Hes distraught. He felt he was supposed to die that day but he didnt, he deserved to die in his eyes but didnt.) 13. And the problem is you (It shows Matt's side profile closer up. He blames himself heavily and realizes hes the problem.) 14. Congratulations, you survived your suicide. There were oh so many who came before you who tried and died. But not you, you can hold your head up high and let your failure fill you with pride (It depicts an abstract form of matt, colors are scattered everywhere. His face is contorted across the colors. He views himself as abstract, he cant understand himself. He feels as if hes so confused, he doesnt even know who he is anymore.) 15. Congratulations, your wish has been denied. Congratulations, you survived your suicide. (it shows his outline in front of the building that collapsed in on him and elektra. This is a reference to Foggy and how he says that Matt is still in there. A part of Matt is forever stuck in that rubble, showing how deeply traumatized and hurt Matt is emotionally and mentally.) Thats the end of the comic. Thanks for reading!

#Daredevil #MattMurdock #MatthewMurdock #Angst #Angst Comic #TW #Suicide #Death #Blood #Daredevil Season 3 #Spoilers #Daredevil Spoilers #elektra natchios #sister maggie #maggie murdock

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qblester · 2 years

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✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎✒︎

-he loves shitty phone games and will spend 100′s on gacha pulls, he always gets bored of them within like, the week though. -he has several tattoos! his barcode/identifying tattoo on his back(going straight down the middle ontop of the spine, krissa has a similar one) but he also has a few stick and pokes. A blue house on his ankle, and in red on his lower stomach “this is not for you” (a quote from house of leaves)((he was very intoxicated at the time and deeply regrets this tattoo)) He has one helix cuff piercing he got with krissa. -he doesnt really decorate his belongings ever, most of his stuff is black, in black cases, and has no identifying marks. -if you run your fingers through his hair you’ll feel several odd scars on his scalp, from various fights with his sister and otherwise. the other FORTY! answers below the cut

-he loves to drive, and has a nice newer car, something very safe like a honda. Krissa has put stickers on the back window despite his protests. Despite this he usually rides with krissa in her car, which is something ridiculous, with the big wheels and lift and a different color wrap on the thing every month or two -he is a freak and doesnt care about what pens he uses. he just steals whatever pens he finds around the office or on the ground -in a non-gilhue/normal au he ends up being a medical illustrator with a service dog :) -he refuses to have a favorite animal because it feels mean -similarly he hates stupid pet names, like when people name their cats “concrete” or anything similar. -he is a serial cheater, anytime he gets into any sort of relationship he usually cheats within the week. its not out of malice he just likes attention and has problems -CANNOT RIDE A BIKE! cannot figure it out! lacks the balance for it -used to bite his nails to the point of them bleeding as a child -he pretends to hate krissa’s parties more than he actually does (for context krissa will throw huge parties for money inside of penthouses or mansions that are “currently unoccupied” she holds these for friends of hers that are looking to play music, do raves, ect ect) when he’s given time beforehand to prepare for them he does enjoy the loud bass and drugs. -i havent brought up my favorite fact of all time in a while so i will mention it here; he lost his virginity WHILE his dad was dying. he got the text and ignored it. -inside his office is a small lockbox where he puts jewelry he finds on the people he vivisects. He has no idea why he keeps it, or what he’s going to do with it, it makes him feel bad to think about though. -twice a year he has to go through a weapons test wherein he gets in the whole hunter getup and has to do some basic maneuvers with krissa. its a huge pain in the ass but quite fun honestly. like playing laser tag -he and krissa have custom lego minifigures of eachother on their keychains -he has an atleast 20 minute phone call with his mother every day -every month he has to meet with Dr.Witting to ensure he is of “Strong mental standing” which basically means they just want to make sure he is not suicidal or homicidal -he is soooooooooooo afraid of the dark. its ridiculous. he has no other real like strong fears in that same vein besides like, you know vampires and such which is a given -he doesnt shower normally, he puts the water on really hot and then takes a nap on the floor of the shower until the water gets cold enough to wake him up, wherein he then actually showers in the cold. -has never really enjoyed reading to be honest, but he loves audiobooks -FUCKING LOVES DDR SO MUCH!!!!!!ITS RIDICULOUS -ive made 40 hours of playlists for him -he gets freckles if out in the sun, but alas doesnt hang out in the sun so we all miss out on this -instead of getting new glasses every few years he just gets the lenses replaced -has the worlds strongest praise kink. it is absurd. -to add onto the above he DOES cry after or during sex every single time. -favorite fruit is apple slices with peanut butter. will not eat apples otherwise -favorite candy is those wierd flat suckers you get from the bank -used to vape using a juul but when those got banned he started vaping from this chunky rig, he has years worth of fruity ass juice for it already stockpiled -his hair is pin straight but very thick and full of cowlicks, he’ll wake up with it full on anime boy sticking up usually -if he had the time or space he would 100% be constantly fostering kittens, like the really small neonates and the ones that need to be bottlefed especially -he has alerts on for ebay to tell him when people post new calico critter hauls, he’s always looking for pieces that he’s missing and will buy a 100+ dollar haul to get one piece of furniture he’s missing -him and krissa grew up in a strange victorian home in rural michigan, as part of an effort to keep them away from “mitigating and changing factors of development” it was very shining-like. -him and krissa starting sleeping in the same bed consistently around age 7 -his favorite dessert is lemon bars :) -can do complex math in his head and has pretty much always been able to -has some small level of synesthesia -was not allowed cable until they moved to california, so he and krissa spent their childhood watching selected vhs tapes and cds -loves going to the zoo so much. will spent hours upon hours just wandering around and looking at the animals. one time inside an aviary a bird landed on his arm and its one of his favorite memories -when both him and krissa are comfortable theyre pretty much always physically touching eachother, leaning against eachother, sitting close to eachother, ect -knows a surprising amount about setting up amps and various concert stuff since he’s helped krissa and her friends with this sort of thing semi-frequently -despite the constant fighting he is on ok terms with a few members of the occultics dept, not friendly but they will talk to eachother if theyre on a smoke break at the same time -Dr.Witting used to be almost a surrogate mother figure? his relationship with her is odd because shes a mother/boss/therapist/ect. -he will get drunk and start talking to whoever he can corner about random topics, he will pull up wikipedia and start basically reading the articles to them

#GUHG #this was An exercise #thank you for the huge ask mwah mwah!!!

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xoxambeezy · 1 year

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12.30.22

Today, I woke up, and here is what happened: I woke up and went to the bathroom. I then said Good Morning to my doggos and kissed King. I walked Prince first, and I wanted to take him to the p-a-r-k, but i was nervous bc its friday morning and he likes to bark and has had issues at the park numerous times. but he literally dragged me so we went and he was fine, he just didnt poop.

Then I walked queen and she did poop. shes been doing good on our walks lately. she likes to play too. i put on a new/old collar bc hers is breaking. she did fine.

when i walked prince, the water came so after i got them all in, i dragged the bottles in and put one in the dispenser.

I started getting ready to go to the store bc here i am such a procrastinator and didnt get an outfit for nye, since apparently we have functions to go to. told triston i was getting ready, and asked if he wanted to go. he said yeah give me a sec, so i did.

oh actually, after the water, i did his laundry for work.

anyways, he took a min and i got ready and asked did he still want to go. he got up and got ready, but i could see he was tired and annoyed so i told him he didnt have to go, but he went anyways, with a whole ass attitude. mind you, i ask to be nice just in case he wants to go. i never want him to feel like i didnt want him with me when i went to do things, and hes been saying he will go, but i guess this moment was different. but he still went. we literally just pulled off and hes huffing and puffing. i asked him whats wrong and did he need to do any shopping and he said no, i told you this last night and yesterday (no he didnt, he said he was gonna go) and i told him to stay his ass home then and he said no hes already in the car and i told him to turn around bc we were right there and he didnt. during the time at the store, he just stood on his phone and when i went to try clothes on he went to the car. i called him and this is how i found out he was in the car. told him he didnt even bother to tell me and he said i was in the dressing room and i said so you cant use your phone to call and hung up.

let me fucking tell you, i literally hate when he goes out and doesnt even bother to 1. tell me so im worried all through the night, and 2. doesnt invite me. i literally wfh so im home 24/7. i would love to go out, even though i hate when im actually out. its the little fucking things. i mean, i dont have to get invited all the time, but #1 is definitely something i feel he should do no matter what. have me not tell him im even showering and its a big issue and a fight.

but i digress. anyways, were home now and i didnt get anything. didnt even want to go to another store bc hes vibe was just not it. so i go home and try some things i have already and he was very not into it. like i felt so ugly and ill take that to my grave. finally picked one outfit(might not even wear it) and that was it.

i knew he was tired, right, so i asked him why not come into the room- he was on the couch, and he said he didnt want to lay down, but was laying down on the couch.

so i left it alone. he got ready for work and didnt even say bye to us. i literally yelled bye and have a great day and got nothing. oh he brought clothes, so he will be going out after work tonight.

after he left, i literally was go annoyed and hurt and sad and aggrivated that i took my inhaler bc i was having an asthma attack. then i started cleaning. the room, living room, kitchen, and bathroom. now im working ot and doing laundry.

a few things i missed though throughout my day. i was reminded i tried to commit suicide almost 6 years ago, and that i miss my grandma more than anything in this entire existence.

i think thats all.

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the-winter-spider · 3 years

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Element: Part 2

Characters: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Hints around possible suicide attempt, angst

A/N: Got this out a lot faster than i thought, once again i didnt read thru it lol so please excuse if there is any errors!

Word count: 2.1k

Part one

****

Bucky reached into the water pulling you out with his right arm, he let a gasp out when the temperature of the water touched his skin it was ice cold sending goosebumps all throughout his body. You were fully clothed, limp, cold to the touch, skin pale, lips blue. Not like he was used to, this wasn't the you he grew to love. You were radiant, your eyes were the most beautiful colour they reminded him of the night sky the way they shined like the stars, your lips were plump and filled with colour, looking at them now he almost couldn’t remember if they were more red or pink, he could feel his palms getting clammy, panic was running through him, when was the last time he saw the sparkle in your eyes? You were his sun, you were warmth, in this moment he felt regret he never got to kiss your lips.

He set you gently down on the tiled floor, you laid there lifeless, Steve was already kneeling down getting ready to start chest compressions, anything to bring you back, to Bucky, to him, to the team.

“No no no” Bucky mumbled.

“Vitals?” Tony frantically asked the AI

“No heartbeat detected”

Bucky didn’t know but tears were streaming down his face, so much regret was running through his veins, he didn't try hard enough and he knew that now but he didn't want to push you, he hated when Steve or Sam tried to push him. He wanted to hold you more and not like this, he wanted to feel life in your body, not this, all Bucky had ever known was death after being used by HYDRA for all those years and when they were finally out his head, everyone he knew before HYDRA were dead, except Steve of course but you brought life back into the super soldier something he was almost positive would never happened and Bucky was barely ever wrong but with you it felt so right.

The water surrounding them slowly started to evaporate, they realized it wasn’t coming from the tap in the tub, you made all the water and the fact it was disappearing, panic set in. “Where's medical?!” Tony frantically shouted.

“They are on there way” FRIDAY announced

Bucky couldn’t wait; he waited his whole life and it was a long one to finally be free and find someone like you, it felt like hours had passed since he busted down your door but he knew it had only been seconds, if not minutes. He scooped you up off the floor holding you in his arms as tightly as he could, he felt like they were wasting time sitting here doing what felt like the bare minimum when he knew the kind of medicine Tony had, he was a Stark after all and from being in the war he knew every second counted, he had a small hope that if he started running towards the medic wing your chances would be better rather than waiting around. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you fearing that this would be one of the last times he saw you and he wasn't prepared for that. You were so limp in his arms, water no longer dripping off of you. As he passed the rest of the team, all he could hear was gasps. He met the medical team half way, setting you on the stretcher before they ran off with you to med bay, Tony and Bruce trailing close behind them.

Bucky was frozen in place, he couldn’t feel anything, he felt like he was in a dream, a bad one, not like the nightmares he was used to this felt much worse, he kept hoping that he would wake up and leave his room to find you in the kitchen eating your morning cereal with Steve and you would give him the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen in all his years, the way he felt your eyes light up and the sun got a little brighter when you were near him, you thought he didn’t notice but Bucky noticed everything with you, or he thought he did. He doesn't even know when he stopped noticing things with you, or when you started to ignore the team, especially him. Part of him didn't even want to think about how long ago it started happening, how long you were truly alone.

Steve placed his hand on his best friends shoulder giving in a gentle squeeze “they’re gonna do everything in their power to get her back Buck”

—

Bucky couldn’t stop but replaying the last couple weeks or was it months? In his mind, did you do this on purpose? Was it an accident? Why did you do it? He remembers the first time he decided not to ask you to come with them. Sam, Steve, Natasha and him were going to try out this new chinese restaurant as they were coming up to your door, he was hoping for a miracle and you would open the door already ready to come with them and it would sort of be like a date but not really but he would pretend it was, but it didn't happen and he wasn’t sure how much more his heart could take of being shot down all the time so he decided he wasn't going to ask you tonight, when they finally reached your door, Steve stopped “Buck, aren't you going to ask y/n if she wants to come?”

Bucky's eyes went to your door, he doesn't remember the last time he was in your room, laying in your bed with you talking about anything and everything. He felt a pain in his chest and he mumbled out “No point” shrugging his shoulders leaving the 3 of his friends behind him making his way to the elevator. He heard them laughing, probably at him he felt pathetic he was a super soldier for christ sake but he couldn’t muster up all the strength in the world to ask you on a real date just him and you, or to admit his ever growing feelings for you, so he did what he knew best, kept quiet and to himself, he just wish he knew then he was hurting you in the process too, not just himself.

—

Everyone was patiently waiting in the common room just outside med bay. Bucky couldn't take his attention away from the plum tree just outside the window, when you grew it for him he swore his heart skipped a beat, that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for him, he still remembers that day like it only just happened. He had just left the gym and was heading back to his room when he saw you laying down in front of his door reading whatever book you were reading, you must have been deep into the book because you didn't notice him standing directly above you, he whispered “Good book?” making you jump and drop the book on your face, he couldn’t help but chuckle, he threw his towel over his shoulder offering you a hand up.

“It was a good book till i lost my place” You huffed

“Sorry doll” he smiled, something he only ever did around you, the real kind of smile, the kind that made his cheeks hurts not the fake kind he did around everyone else, he watched you dust yourself off and run your fingers through your hair, fixing yourself up, he didn't understand why you already looked perfect “So what do i owe the pleasure of having a beautiful girl like you waiting on a guy like me?”

Giggling “Well i have something for you, a gift” you blushed, he watched you rock back and forth on your feet, he was getting that feeling in his stomach again he wasn't sure what it was but it was warm, something he didn't think he deserved to feel again let it actually happening but here it was, with you.

He quickly showered and changed, when he stepped out of the bathroom you hadn’t moved you were still sitting on the edge of his bed, flipping through your book, trying to figure out where you left off, when you felt his presence you looked up, your eyes meeting his “You ready to go Buck?”

He nodded making his way to the door “after you doll”

It was silent when the two of you were making your way wherever you were leading him, he didn't ask any questions he would follow you anywhere, anytime no questions asked. You made your way outside to a tree he doesnt think he seen before, because it was the only tree there, he watched you start moving your hands with elegance, he was and always has been in complete awe of your abilities, with a doubt in his mind you were the most amazing person to have ever come from HYDRA. He had no idea what the gift was but he knew he would love it, whatever it was because it was from you, but when Bucky saw something start growing on the tree his eyes went wide “How did you know?”

“I overheard you talking to Steve about them the other day, how you missed them and the ones from the store didn't taste the same” You spoke softly, folding your hands behind your back looking down shyly. Bucky made his way to the plum tree picking one before he made his way over to you, he used his right arm to put a strand of hair behind your ear, his fingertips lightly touching your cheek while doing so it sent shivers down your spine and butterflies in your stomach, you lifted your gaze to meet his. He took your hand in his, giving it a light squeeze “this is my favourite gift”.

“The tree or that one plum?” you giggled, pointing at the perfect plum in his hand.

He took a moment before responding to you, really taking everything in, the view, his feelings because he was feeling a lot of them, some new some old, the emotions he could see in your eyes, how perfect you truly were but also how right it felt having your hand in his, his tongue ran over his lips “You” he breathed out, you kept your gaze on him for a few more seconds before you felt heat rising to your cheeks, looking back down, his thumb rubbing circles on your hand, he wasn't sure if you felt what he was feeling but when a single butterfly landed on the plum in his hand, he knew.

—

Bucky wasn't the best with time, after being in and out of cryo for so long he didn't care to tell time, so he wasn't sure how long he was standing here staring at the window lost in thought till he was finally pulled away from it, he felt Steve come up from behind him, he cleared his throat, placing another hand on his friends shoulder looking out the window to see what Bucky was staring at for the last hour.

“Y’know she grew that for me?”

Steve smiled “I know because you wouldn’t shut up about it” Bucky let out a soft chuckle, turning to face his friend “I messed up Steve”

Steve didn’t say anything he didn’t know what to say and Steve almost always knew what to say but he couldn’t comfort his friend because it was unknown if you were alive or not, he knew you were a fighter but what he saw, you were lifeless, FRIDAY even confirmed there was no heartbeat, he wasn't trying to give his oldest friend false hope, so in the meantime he decided that just being there was enough.

“I don’t understand, she can breathe underwater can't she?” Natasha finally spoke to no one in particular, turning all heads towards her before anyone could respond when the door opened. Tony walked in “She can” all eyes were on him, something he usually loved but it made him feel uneasy today. It was quiet, Tony sat down took off his glasses, he rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers before looking Bucky dead in the eye “they found a heart beat, its shallow but its there”

***

TAGS: @majo240820 @vicmc624 @jessyballet @jhiddles03 @mggpleasedontlookhere @smallangryandpink @lilxberry @thisisnotangel @hereforalongtime512 @austynparksandpizza

#bucky barns x y/n #bucky barns x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barns x reader #bucky #bucky x female reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes angst

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brelione · 4 years

Text

Neverland (JJ Maybank X Reader)

Warnings:Mentions of death,suicide,depression,probably a lot of spelling errors,has the possibility of making you cry. :)

This is really bad because I have not slept in 28 hours and I was bored :)

You had said over and over again from the age of 8 that all you wanted to do was go to neverland.It was right after your parents died in a drowning accident that you had become so obsessed with the idea.Neverland was the perfect place where children who simply didnt belong in the real world went to feel wanted.Neverland was where you belonged.You used to pray to any god there was that someday Peter Pan would come to your window and take you away.It never happened though.When you became friends with the pogues at age 14 you felt a bit better.You had met JJ Maybank,the boy of pure chaos and crackhead energy.He was always doing something illegal or doing something he shouldnt be.He was many things and loyal,sweet and kind were some of them.He acted like a lost boy,not caring about the consequences to his actions and living in the moment.

You would sit together on John.B’s roof and complain about life.

“You ever wonder why we’re so fucked up?”You asked.He shrugged,laying down with his arms over his chest.You tucked your hair behind your ears,looking up at the sky and staring at the second star to the right. “Hey,JJ?”You asked.He hummed,watching you stare up at the sky with a sad expression.He had noticed things no one else had about you.How your eyes were always a little pink,the way your laugh was never completely genuine,the way you hid your emotions from everyone because you didnt want to overwhelm anyone.He had always gone out of his way to do nice things for you.He’d made you a bracelet with your name on it that you had worn everyday until the beads had faded and the letters were hardly there.You still wore it.

He remembered your favorite type of poptart and would steal you some when he went to a large supermarket.You had always told him not to steal from independent businesses and if he were to steal from anywhere to steal from a store that had multiple locations because it didnt matter if they lost $2.He tried to show affection,hugging you or attempting to hold your hand.You never accepted it,shrinking under his touch.He wanted you to feel loved and appreciated but no matter how he tried the message just wouldnt get through to you. “If I ever go missing,just know that I probably went to neverland.”You spoke quietly.He sat sat up,frowning. “What?”He asked.You sighed. “I dont like it here.I wanna leave.Im gonna leave eventually so when I do you’ll know where to find me.”You avoided his gaze,staring up at the star.

He scooted himself forward so he was next to you. “Why dont you like it here?”He asked.You sighed,looking at him. “I dont belong here,you know?Everything just feels wrong and I feel guilty all the time because I know I should be grateful that im alive and healthy but I just want to give up.I just fuck things up and I dont wanna do it anymore.”You mumbled,feet dangling off the edge of the roof.He went to grab your hand,sliding his warm large hand over your cold small one.You let him,your fingers curling around his hand. “You do belong here,though.You belong with the pogues and we all love you.You know we love you,right?”He asked.You shrugged. “I dont really belong with you guys.Kiara felt bad for me so she dragged me into this.You dont really love me,you’re just saying that to keep me here.”You looked up at him.

His pupils were large,lips open like he was trying to form words.He was concerned for you,having the urge to pull you away from the side of the roof.You just grinned. “Its okay to admit it,JJ.I know its true.”You smiled.He shook his head. “No.No its not.What am I gonna do when you’re in neverland?Who’s gonna stop me from stealing from independent businesses?”He asked.You just huffed. “Pope will.”You replied.He shook his head,gulping. “No,no.Pope doesnt care about that stuff like you do-you’re the only one who can stop me from stealing pop tarts.”He replied,voice squeaking a bit.You rubbed circles on his hand with your thumb. “Its okay,JJ.Everything is fine.”You spoke softly.He shook his head. “You’re really scaring me right now...please just stay here with me.Please.”He whispered.

You bit the inside of your cheek,taking your hand away from his.You hesitantly leaned forward,hugging him.Your body heat against him was calming.He was nervous to hug you back,not wanting you to pull away from him.He slowly raised his arms,pulling you closer to him. “Dont stress,JJ.Everything is okay.”You whispered.He sniffled. “I just want you to be happy...what will make you happy?”He asked,blinking away the tears.You ran your hand through his hair,your finger tips scratching his scalp lightly as you twirled your fingers. “Shhh...JJ,honey,you’ve got to calm down.”You whispered.He let out a small squeak,biting down on his lip as he rested his forehead against your shoulder. “Please dont leave...please.”He sobbed.The guilt ran through you,knowing you had caused JJ to be this upset with himself.You didnt say anything,you just continued to run your fingers through his hair.He felt his whole body heating up.His lips always got really hot and red when he cried,he didnt really know why.He moved,kissing your forehead lightly.The heat against your cool forehead made a shiver run down your spine. “JJ,look at me.”You whispered,lifting up his chin.He looked up at you,more tears falling from his eyes.He sniffled,staring into your eyes.

He leaned forward,kissing you lightly.You pulled away after a few moments,forehead still against his. “It’s three in the morning,if we want any energy tomorrow we should probably sleep.”You mumbled quietly.He frowned. “You’ll still be here when I wake up,right?”He asked.You nodded.He couldnt believe he was scared of you leaving to go to neverland.He didnt know if that was really what he was scared of though.In all honesty he was absolutely terrified you’d kill yourself or something.After that night JJ had always tried to stay close to you.He always wanted to be touching you in some way,holding your hand or having his arm around your waist.He stole you more poptarts,telling you where he’d gotten them from before you even asked.

He’d text you every morning when you two couldnt spend the day together and he’d call you at least three times a day.Everytime you didnt answer he’d feel his heart speed up anxiously.You’d always text him when you didnt answer,telling him that you were busy and that you’d call him later.Sometimes you didnt have the energy to answer his texts but he’d feel better seeing that you had at least read them.But one day you didnt answer his calls.He waited for a text from you to explain why you hadnt answered.He tried to convince himself that maybe you were in the shower or taking a nap or maybe out for a swim.He knew you werent.You’d always text him before you went out for a swim or took a shower.You always said the same thing. “Im hopping in the shower so dont get scared if I dont answer.Love you.”.He hadnt received that text yet.

He had bit his nails as he sat in the hammock. “Are you okay?You seem stressed.”Pope looked over at him.JJ gulped. “Im just scared about (Y/N).She’s not answering me and I dont know what to do.”He had explained.Kiara frowned. “Are you guys fighting?”She asked.JJ shook his head. “She hasnt read my texts and I checked when she was last active on instagram and it says three days ago.I dont wanna go to her house because I dont wanna seem clingy but she’s really starting to scare me.”He tapped his foot on the grass.Kiara nodded. “Maybe her phone is broken.”She shrugged.He shook his head. “I dont know.I have a bad feeling.”He frowned. “So lets take the boat and go check on her.”Pope sat up from the porch couch.John.B was at Sarah’s and he would understand why they were taking the boat.Pope drove,going through the water as fast as the boat allowed until they were at the dock in your backyard.

JJ hopped out,going to your back door and knocking on the wood.He tried calling again,hearing your phone ring from somewhere in the house.He reached over to the windowsill,moving the painted rock you kept there and grabbing the key.Kiara and Pope were close behind him,starting to become anxious as well.He turned the key in the door,opening it with such force that the door knob smacked against the side of your house.He walked in,calling your name.He approached your bathroom,his hands shaking as he reached for the door knob.He told himself he was being ridiculous,opening the door.He turned on the light,wincing and hoping that you werent there.You werent,but your phone was. “(Y/N)!”Kiara shouted,going into your bedroom.Your blankets and sheets were messy,pillows thrown around.The window was wide open,your dresser knocked over. “JJ!”She shouted.He sprinted through the house,catching himself on your door frame.His breath hitched in his throat.There was no way.

There was no fucking way that you had actually left.That wasnt possible.Peter Pan wasnt real.But robbers were.Maybe someone had broken into your window and kidnapped you.That theory didnt make sense either because nothing had been missing and you always kept your bedroom window locked.You promised you wouldnt leave him.Maybe you had been forced to leave.He had to figure it out.He had to have you back.

#jj maybank #jj maybankxreader #jj maybank imagine #jj x you #jj maybank oneshot #jj #jj x reader #jj x y/n #rudy pankow #peter pan #neverland #pogue #kiara carrera #pope heyward #john b #sarah cameron

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oftheredmoon · 3 years

Text

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

#depression #traumacore #ventcore #Ptsd #Suicidal thoughts #depressing thoughts #venting #abuse #child abuse #anxiety #bpd #adhd #Suicide #borderline personality disorder #post traumatic stress disorder #Self harm #personal

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plainvanillapotato · 4 years

Text

the 100 diaries S3 E4

quarantine dairies: june 28 2020

season 3 episode 4: “watch the thrones”

why is the title telling me to watch the thrones? are they going somewhere? or like are they like the furniture in beauty and the beast? tell me the thrones talk in this world.

look lexa gave clarke her own little throne and right next to her

ice queen does not look epic at all. i was expecting katara and they give me this. this is my own fault for setting to high expectations

there’s so many coups in this show that they’re not surprising anymore

agni kai they said

lexa said no one fights for me. she be like im my own champion. ok lexa i respect that

woow its mister tall tan and beautiful. was bellamy just standing there waiting for the meeting to be over?

look at those teary tears. awww sad boi bellamy activated

monty my boy and jasper. still trouble in paradise i see

when you’re the only healer of your nation but there’s too many patients so you need to go to another nation for help. poor nyko

ooo a monty-jasper one-on-one adventure yes please.

I really dont like clarkes hair rn and what the heck is she wearing

look at lexa being smart having a backup plan if she dies

ronan is wannabe jon snow especially with that hairstyle and the fact that theyre also ice nation aka essentially the north. ronan even uses with a giant sword like jon snow. bitch this is guy is a watered down jon snow and you cant convince me otherwise

who let clarke out of the tower?? and literally what was with that stupidass hood clarke?

roan as king? bitch this better not happen

back onto clarkes hair: are those blood highlights?

is that millers boyfriend or nah? cuz its kinda unclear

the writers said mass funeral/memorial

aww bellamy but he really said cheesy ass line “gina was real” was she tho? like we didnt get any proof of this

noooo he did not just stone Lincoln. that piece of shit. lincolns been through enough. yeah bellamy go help lincoln. bellamy is a loyal king and i love him for that. but also lincoln has a strong head like he be headbutting people

monty should you be snooping around in jaspers stuff? but also ashes...a tooth. is that maya? tell me he did not. wash your hands monty. also please dont tell me that jasper has one of those strange addictions in which he eats his dead girlfriends ashes

no charges bitch lincoln you should press all the charges but lincoln be the bigger man like that

sidenote/question: does lincoln shave his head everyday?

seriously tho who is doing octavia’s hair??

ooo clarke you thought you could pull off killing the ice queen that one bitch sensed the murderous vibez

lol they really had clarke’s actress just lay there and take the drops of fake blood on her face. i wonder how many takes this took

really clarke you couldnt have wiped your face a little bit now you have dry crusty blood on your face.

ooo clarke talking about how she doesnt want lexa to fight...looks like someone caught feelings

so arkadia has a bar. glad to know that the ark has its priorities straight you not worried about putting people under abby to learn how to become a healer.

i gotta know does lexa does her own makeup does baldy do it for her? but also who did roan’s face?

clarke what is with that sad excuse of a hood. also talking off the hood was not a big reveal like we could clearly see her face under the hood

ugh this lexa vs. roan fight is weak honestly medial times has much better fighting sequences than this. like these blades dont even look sharp. is this the shows attempt to make lexa look cool bc sure she’s cool but ANYA i miss anya that was a badass bitch

clarke with that blinking..she is turned on.

lexa was that allowed?! what a shot tho. i also gotta this ice queen is weak to die this way bc jasper survived worse that. but maybe its just because jasper has that super radiation blood he has crazy vitality.

“i have always done what is best for us”...i dont know about that bellamy remember the radio but i guess we can pretend that that didnt happen because hey bellamy had good intentions we cant expect him to be tall tan beautiful and smart

also since when did lincoln talk to harper or monroe like i know that they were there for his little training session but they didnt seem buddy buddy

sidenote: how the heck do no one notice bellamy just taking out these guns and handing them out? and if they did why did no one stop him?

kane really didnt tell his people about the mocking. i gotta say that pike bring up the branding and it being something they do to live stock was a pretty compelling argument

PIKE FOR CHANCELLOR?! “pike. pike. pike” nice chant bellamy. aah i miss the good old days when it was just the 100 on the ground and bellamy led all those chants.

FINN!!!! jasper stole finn’s ashes?! idk if thats better or worse than them ashes being maya’s

monty said im not fine. aww monty :( i like how they actually address this in the show tho i thought they were just gonna let it fly by like they did charlottes suicide

“float you” said monty...let these kids say

“i miss my best friend” “he died that day too” my heart cant handle their bromance breaking up. nope i refuse this. the writers better remedy this soon.

welp there goes finn. what did jasper trip on tho like the ground was relatively flat

sooo uhh is clarke not gonna get with lexa or not cuz the tension was there doing that let me fix your wound scene

I love how pike looks at bellamy right after kane tells him that he won the election like he was looking for bellamy’s affirmation. pike be taking a lot of offical actions all at once. he does not quit

ok kane but thats pretty bold of you to assume that you’re on the right side cuz youve done some questionable stuff yourself buddy.

#the 100 #the 100 diaries #t100

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thechangeling · 4 years

Text

For better or worse, I am alive.

So basically my brain is being a jerk again and making me suicidal. So I decided to repost this.

Set after QOAAD.

Sometimes mornings just hurt.

Kit had no explanation as to why.

There were just days when he opened his eyes and the burden of the day ahead was simply too much to bare.

Today was one of those days.

I'll just sleep for a few more minutes. I just need a little more time. Just a little longer.

Then five minutes would become ten and ten became twenty and suddenly a whole hour had gone by. The heaviness in his heart growing by the second.

Expectations hurt.

Like the way Tessa looked at him sometimes with a glowing smile. Like she was seeing someone else through him. Caught up in her own fond memories. Wanting him to be like the Herondales she lost.

Be brave and strong. Be the perfect warrior like Jace or a hero like Will. Everyone's counting on you. Don't be weak.

Don't be weak.

Herondales weren't weak.

Kit wished he didn't view his feelings as a weakness. He wished he could give himself the same love and empathy he felt for Ty.

But he just couldn't.

Logically he knew that just like Ty's autism, his feelings which seemed to be symptoms of depression, were beyond his control. And yet still he could hear those harsh, jagged words forming in the back of his mind.

Weak. Pathetic. He doesnt love you. He never will.

No one loves you.

It was moments like this when Kit remembered what Julian had said to him about Ty's differences.

There are shadowhunters who can barely get out of bed and there are shadowhunters who find that the words float off the page when they try to read. The clave is aware of these things, but they push these people into the background. They're considered the dregs of the nephilum community. I never wanted that for Ty. They can never know.

The dregs of nephilum community.

No one would have dared to imagine that a Herondale could be one of those people. Different. Not at all falling into their little cooker cutter idea of a perfect angelic warrior.

It was the same kind of thinking that led most people to assume Kit was straight. No he couldn't possibly be "like that".

Fucking small minded babies. All of them.

Memories hurt.

Memories of Ty's smile, his laughter and all his quirks.

Then the memories of Ty raising Livvy from the dead. Pleading with him. Telling Ty that he loved him. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew Ty wouldn't say it back and he knew he was being pathetic and selfish and now he was sinking again.

Kit never really knew what it was like to be loved. He never had a mother growing up and looking back on his relationship with his father, he was almost positive that he had never really loved Kit. At least not the way the Blackthorns loved each other. He shouldn't have let himself crave Ty's love. It would never happen

However, he still let himself hope. Maybe this time things could be different. Maybe this time the pain wouldn't win. But it did. It won in the form of anger. Kit allowed the darkest parts of his mind to transform the heartbreak into anger.

Anger was easier. Anger hurt less then the truth.

I wish I never met you.

A fucking lie.

I love you. I need you. I feel like I'm drowning, I've been drowning my whole life and you're the only thing that makes it better. Things don't hurt as much when you look at me. I'm sorry I know you're dealing with a lot but I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone.

No. He could never say any of that. He couldn't tell anyone.

Kit rolled over in bed and checked the clock on his nightstand.

3pm. Jesus christ.

Pathetic. Worthless.

Kit squeezed his eyes shut and put a pillow over his head.

I can't do it. I can't do anything.

A knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his thoughts. "Kit?" Tessa called apprehensively, "Are you alright?"

She didn't sound angry or even exasperated.

She sounds worried.

Worry. Pitty.

These were things worse then hostility. It made everything harder.

"Kit? I'm coming in." The door swung open to reveal a frazzled looking Tessa. Her brown hair had been tossed up in a messy bun and she wore baggy excersise clothes to accommodate her rather large baby bump. Any day now Tessa and Jem would have a child of their own. They probably wouldn't want him around any more.

"Sorry, you didn't answer me" Tessa spoke tentatively, almost as if she was afraid to break him. "Its been one hell of a day. Jem and I are trying to finish the nursery."

Kit looked down avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry" he breathed out, unable to speak any louder then just above a whisper. It would require too much effort. " I just dont feel well".

I just dont feel well.

I think I'm sick.

These are the phrases Kit kept repeating over and over again. Different ways to tell Tessa how he was feeling without actually telling her.

Tessa sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Ok, but it seems like you haven't been feeling well for awhile now" Tessa explained worridly. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Tessa gave him a comforting smile. Kit was still trying to avoid looking her in the eye.

Why is this so hard? She might understand.

No, She won't. No one will.

Kit could feel his eyes beginning to water. Tessa gently rested a hand on his shoulder. She was biting her lip in contemplation as if deciding what to say.

"Kit listen" she began. " let's say supposedly you had something wrong with your physical health. Maybe a heart defect or a brain tumor or something".

Kit looked up slightly alarmed, "but I dont have a brain tumor?" He cocked his head slightly in confusion.

Tessa looked like she was fighting a smile. "No, but just bear with me here ok?" She pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sitting crosslegged and then took a deep breath Kit felt the urge to apologize, but instead shook it off. Maybe she wasn't annoyed. Perhaps this was something completely different then Tessa telling him off.

"So, as I was saying" she continued, " if you had something wrong with your physical health you would do your best to seek treatment or talk to a doctor. Right? Or at the very least, you would tell someone".

Kit wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer

"I guess yeah. But I dont get what this has to do with anything" Kit replied hesitantly.

Tessa gently took his hand. " My point is, if you would seek help for a physical problem then why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?"

Kit inhaled sharply. She wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps he wasn't being as discreet as he thought. His instincts were telling him to deflect or deny it. Do something to make her stop looking at him like that.

But the minute he opened his mouth, he was hit by a wave of lethargy and all that came out was a slow and quiet exhale. Barely noticable to the human ear.

That was all he was capable of managing to defend himself. He was just too tired.

Tessa began to rub slow circles against his back as a comforting gesture. "Hey" she whispered soothingly. "Its gonna be ok. You'll be fine, we can get you help." Kit lifted his lead back up and turned towards Tessa to meet her eyes. " I thought shadowhunters weren't supposed to go to therapy?" Kit asked with a slight hint of hostility. Which he instantly regretted. Tessa remained unfazed and continued to smile at him sympathetically. "Yes well we aren't exactly a part of shadowhunter culture right now, and even if we were, nephilum attitudes towards therapy are something that needs to change as soon as possible." Kit nodded along, behaving almost as if he was in some sort of trance. Not fully processing what Tessa was saying. He could hear her continuing on with her reassurances, making plans and promises. He wanted to be happy someone cared enough to try and help him.

But he just couldn't feel it.

"I dont know" Kit deflected, turning his head away. " I just don't know if it'll help, I feel like nothing I do makes anything better".

Tessa was silent.

Sensing a pause in the conversation, Kit layed back down horizontally on top of the bed. Just talking alone seemed to take a lot out of him. He waited for Tessa to say something but there was only silence.

Silence, and then "you should talk to Will".

Now that defenetly got Kit's attention. He shot back up like a rocket and turned to face Tessa again. At first he thought maybe it was some attempt at humor but she looked deadly serious.

"Talk to Will? How?" Kit asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Tessa rolled her eyes fondly while still maintaining a small smile. "Kit, I know you can see ghosts. Every Herondale can. So that means you should also be able to see Will and I think he could help you. He has dealt with feelings like yours before. You could almost say that mental illness might be a bit of a Herondale family trait."

Before Kit could respond. Tessa was standing up. " I need to start thinking about what we're having for dinner later and I need to call Magnus. If you want to talk to either me or Jem, we will be in the living room. But I would reccomend taking my advice." Tessa finished, rolling back her shoulders and shaking out the kinks in her upper back and arms. She started towards the door.

"Wait." Kit called after her. Tessa paused to listen. Kit drew all the strength he had to conjure up a smile. "Thank you."

Tessa returned his smile, "Your welcome sweetheart." Then she turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Kit lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had a feelings things still wouldn't be easy, but for the first time in awhile he was experiencing something besides the empty blackness. Something completely different.

Hope.

#kit x ty #kit herondale #mental health #the dark artifices #tda #mental health acceptance #mood disorder

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bluejaysgonerogue · 4 years

Text

I’m Sorry PT.1- Stucky x reader

Hello Loves!! This is what i remember to be the first Poly!Fic i ever wrote, but i remember i wrote it around the time i started reading tumblr. Again, as of right now i am moving my works from Wattpad to Tumblr. I will not be editing them, as i would like to show my evolution as a writer. Thank you!

Pt.1 Pt.2 Pt.3

Category; Fluff, Domestic!avengers, Angst(!!!), Listen Before i Go(billie eilish, about suicide)

Rating; 16+

Let the Fiction Begin!

—

Ash wakes up, the soft light of the mid morning sun shining through the large full wall windows of her room. I open my eyes, stretching slightly, a yawn ripping through my body. I cough, remembering my cold as I search for my boyfriends.

I frown slightly as I see that both Steve and Bucky aren't in the bed with me, or in the room. I listen to see if the showers running, or if there's water splashing in the bathtub, but there's no sound. Just the recordings of bird in the rain that Friday always plays once I wake up.

I sigh, getting out of bed and opening the large dresser tony had made specifically for the three of us. I open one of Steve's drawers, grabbing his biggest and fluffiest grey wool sweater. I throw it on over the tank top I have on, grabbing a pair of short shorts from my drawer and sliding the soft denim up and putting on a black belt. I throw my hair up in a new messy bun, grabbing grey wool socks and combat boots from the walk in closet.

I turn around to see if Steve or Bucky has wandered back into the room, but it was still quiet. I grab my phone, slipping it into my pocket as I walk out of our room. I make my way through the maze of walls that makes up the Compound, trying to find the main communal area where I think Steve and Bucky will be.

I hear laughter drift into my ears, bright and happy. Thor's booming voice follows the laughs, cracking a joke I can't quite understand. I walk into the large room quietly, not looking around the room. I walk into the kitchen area, grabbing an extra large tea mug and an earl grey tea bag, dropping the encased leaves into the mug. I fill the kettle and put it on to boil, grabbing a glass of water. I reach for the antibiotics on the bottom shelf, taking out the needed pills and downing them all before draining the water.

“Yknow, you're supposed to take them one by one, right kid?" Sam jokes with me from the expansive island where the majority of the team is sitting. Tony is sitting on the couch, talking with Rhodey about something while Morgan watches BBC's Sherlock.

I give him a look. "Yknow, I don't need the water, right?"

"So what, you can take pills dry?" Wanda smirks slightly, easing an eyebrow in questioning.

"I can if I want to."

"Ah, what is the point in these 'pills', doctor banner?" Thor asks, somehow not knowing.

"Well, they can prevent sickness, supply nutrients, prevent pregnancy, subdue pain, a lot of things actually."

"And speaking of preventing pregnancy..." I mutter to myself, trying to reach for my birth control pills. I try to reach them before sighing, turning around to the team.

"Who put my pills on the top shelf?" I glare at them, mainly at Loki, Thor, Steve, and Bucky as they're the only ones who can reach up there. It's silent for a bit, Steve has already gotten the pills down for me. I grab my dose, downing it dry and looking at Sam mockingly.

"I did. O-on accident of course, but I did it." Bucky says, looking slightly nervous.

"Oh. Okay." I say nothing as I give Steve a kiss on the cheek. He grabs the whistling kettle and fills my tea mug. I thank him with another kiss before Clint and his big mouth speak up.

"Ew. PDA is NOT needed. Get a room, there's a pure innocent child present." Natasha slaps Clint (not lightly) on the bicep, worsening his laughter.

Everybody stares at him, natasha slipping a bunch of salt into his oatmeal when he's too busy falling on the floor to notice.

"Yknow, if I had a dime for every time I've seen you eyeing Ash and Wanda, I'd be richer thank Stark and his father combined." Bucky says, slipping his arms around me protectively as vision tightens his grip on Wanda.

"Oh please, I haven't done any such thing!" Clint, writhing on the floor, manages to get out between a few laughs. At this point, there's a mound of salt mixed into his oatmeal and milk. At first it was only Natasha, but now I've gotten out the big container of salt and started pouring it in the oatmeal, a red wispy encased salt shaker dropping salt into the milk.

"Christmas, last year. You were drunk and practically eye fucking our girlfriend. Same goes for wanda." Steve says, glaring at clint over the counter.

“There's a crap ton of tea here, is Friday getting all of it daddy?" An 8-year-old Morgan says, a small smile on her face.

"Damn I love this kid." I mutter under my breath, understanding her reference.

"Clint, get your ass in your seat before I call fury and tell him you were having fantasies last night about his favorite agent." Natasha threatens in that tone that tells you to get shit done. Clint scrambles into his stool, taking a bite of oatmeal.

The way his face scrunches up is priceless, and when he goes for the milk, probably thinking it would help with the bitterness, he spits it out. It would have hit me if Bucky hadn't turned his back and covered me.

"Oh hell no, that's my favorite sweater on Buck." I say as I set my tea down, taking a step towards Barton. "Five? Or just start."

"I'd say give em five. He's a slow old man anyways." Pietro smirks from the far end of the island.

"Barton." His head snaps up at me. "You have five seconds until I slam you into the ground and shatter your spine. I recommend you don't try the vents either seeing as Tony just installed some lasers to evade intruders." I say this all in a soft, slightly (aka VERY) psychotic tone. I let a sick smile play across my lips as I lean Over the table.

"One." I say, lunging for him. I push him into the ground, pinning him down with his arm behind his back on his stomach. I have his legs bent in a way so It'd hurt to move, his other arm held down by the hand with my boot. I press my knee into his back, smirking slightly at the exasperated sigh he lets out.

"Cmon kid- let me go." He pleads before I push down harder with my foot and knee making him whine in pain.

"Notice how no one is moving to defend you Barton." I say rather loudly. I push down on his arm more, getting another groan.

"Cmon kid. I didn't mean it." He is clearly distressed by the situation, looking rather embarrassed to have been pinned in such a position by an "untrained ten year old". He moves his head to look at natasha, pleading silently for help. She shakes her head, perfect eyebrow raised.

"She's right clint- Shes 22, way too young for you."

"Oh really? Last time I checked, Cap and Barnes are well over 103 Years old!" This earns him more foot and knee pressure as I twist his arm, closing to breakage.

“Be careful what you say about my boys Barton. It won't look pretty when I'm done with you if you keep insulting my princes like that." I say this, pushing down with my knee as I shift my weight ever so slightly to lean into his ear. He whines again. 'What a baby.'

Suddenly, there is a cold And warm hand under each of my elbows, picking me up off the agent and setting me down on the floor.

"Now now, little ужасный волк (dire wolf), his loneliness is enough to hurt him. He doesnt need his old man back breaking because he threatened us." Bucky holds my face, looking me in the eyes as Steve slinks his arms around my waist.

"Plus, we're physically younger than him." Steve says, his head resting in the crook of my neck.

"But it's funny to watch his egotistical snarkyness fade as his life flashed before his eyes." I Whine, my words, despite their content, sound like that of a spoiled 5 year old. Even though I'm trying to be sarcastic, I can still feel everyone's faces flinch a little.

"Baby we've talked about this, you don't let your false murderous intent cloud your actions." Bucky smiles slightly, Goin g along with my joke before picking me up out of Steve's arms and carrying me bridal style to our wing. Steve follows behind with my tea and two pieces of avocado toast in hand.

Bucky sets me down on the floor-inset couch, jumping over the back and landing next to me. Steve sets down my tea and hands me the plated food. He turns on the TV and opens our Spotify account. He plays the song that was playing at the party of Tony's we all met at.

I found myself dreaming

In silver and gold

Like a scene from a movie

That every broken heart knows

I take a bite of my toast as Bucky stands up, dancing with Steve.

We were walking on moonlight

And you pulled me close

Split second and you disappeared

And then I was all alone.

I smile as they sway back and forth, taking small steps as they lean on each other's shoulders. I smile, watching the two. They've always Been so photogenic, always posing the right way. I reach for my phone, snapping a quick picture before setting it down on the table.

I woke up in tears

You by my side

A breath is relief

And I realized

No, we're not promised tomorrow.

Steve grabs my hand, pulling me around the coffee table to dance with him, Bucky taking a picture with his own phone. Steve kisses the top of my head, pulling me closer by the waist.

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye

Wherever we're standing

I won't take you for granted

'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Bucky takes me from Steve, moving around more with me. Steve snaps another picture before walking off to our small kitchen. Bucky and I move around the room gracefully, hands intertwined tightly together as we hum and sing along to the words. I start violently coughing again, Bucky pulling me close to his chest in a warm hug once I catch my breath.

In the blink of an eye

Just a whisper of smoke

You could lose everything

The truth is you never know

Steve takes me away from Bucky, picking me up and placing me back on the couch. Bucky drapes a blanket over me, handing me my tea which I gratefully sip.

So I'll kiss you longer baby

Any chance that I get

I'll make the most of the minutes

And love with no regrets

They both settle down beside me stuffing their bodies close to mine as they both kiss my cheeks before kissing each other above my head.

Let's take our time to say what we want

Here's what we got before it's all gone

'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

I pull out their dog tags on each of their necks, then looking at mine. They hug me tighter, each one nuzzling into their side of my neck.

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye

Wherever we're standing

I won't take you for granted

'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

—time skip to infinity war—

"Steve? Ash?" Bucky says before dusting. I look down, only to see the same happen to me.

"Steve? Steve please I don't wanna-" darkness.

|—☆—|

I wake up, feeling a cold, hand, a familiar metal holding me close to a warm torso.

"B-Bucky!?" I claw at him, straddling him and pulling myself closer to his body.

"G-God, I thought I lost you, and Steve." He kisses my head before his breath catches in his throat. "Where's Steve?"

I look into his eyes, seeing the same feelings. Denial, fear, worry, love, anticipation.

"Come on! It has been five years we must go fight the battle!" A heavy Wakandan accent yells out at us. I give Bucky a quick kiss before tossing him another magazine. I run off towards where the crowd is heading, Bucky on my heels. We are let through the crowd, walking through the sparky portal.

I look around me to see rubble. Everywhere. There's a huge alien ship tearing Through the deep rusty red sky. There's no sign of Steve in the portal, or any of the others coming around.

Bucky nudges me, pointing out in front of us. I look out to see Thanos, in his large set of armor, and Steve facing him. Thor is splayed out on the ground, Loki next to him. Steve looks behind him, seeing me and Bucky approaching him with hundreds of people following.

“Oh my god I thought I lost you two." He smiles, looking at me and Bucky.

"I thought I lost you two..." I smile, looking at Steve's smudged up face.

"And I third that." Bucky says briefly. Steve turns around, tightening his broken shields strap with a sudden tug.

"AVENGERS!" He yells out, projecting to the whole area. He reaches his hand out, Mjolnir, of all things, comes flying at him. He catches the weapon, making a show out of it. "Assemble."

Thor yells, T'challa's voice soon joining as everyone changes against the horde of aliens.

|—☆—|

I see peter, shooting an alien that's about to come get him. He nods at me, getting picked up by Valkyrie and her Pegasus, the Iron Gauntlet in hand.

I look over to thanos, seeing Wanda talking to him. She hurls rock at him just before all hell breaks loose. Beams of energy race down towards the ground, trying to hit anything in sight. I dodge to the left, hiding under a large piece of rubble. Suddenly they stop pointing at us and aim for something in the sky. A large ball of orange light flies through the ship, one wing tearing off after the figure stops. The ship crash lands into the water, causing a large wave to come off of the lake. It starts up into a funnel as a sorcerer uses his magic to guide the water.

The ball of light lands in front of peter, getting the glove from him.

"I don't know how you're gonna get it through all that." I'm already behind Okoye as she answers.

"Don't worry-"

"She has help." I finish, the other women landing around me. Morgan in the light blue armor looking like her late mother. Wanda behind me, and I can hear Valkyries horse land. Us ladies start doing our badass walks towards the oncoming battalion, shifting into a run as the battle continues.

|—☆—|

I see tony lunging for the stones, thanos following in suit. I push back on thanos, giving tony the chance to get the gauntlet and transfer the stones before thanos pries it away from him.

The titan places the gauntlet on his hand, letting the adaptive size fit him. The other original six avengers, minus... Clint... gather around tony, me and Bucky joining as well.

"I am... inevitable." Thanos snaps, only for the gauntlet to make a clink noise. All of us avengers put our hands together and on tony, as he raises his right hand with the stones arranging themselves in his suit.

"And we are..." Bucky looks at me, then Steve, who gives a reassuring nod.

"The Avengers."

Tony snaps, and energy corses through me, pain mixed with desire and power. I walk over and rip the stones off of the suit, placing them in thor's cape.

We look around, the whole Army starts fading away. The world is suddenly filled with the dust of our enemies. Thanos slowly moves to sit down, turning to dust once he falls. Tony falls into the ground, an exasperated laugh leaving his mouth. We all follow suit and plop down next to each other, looking up at the catastrophic sky. I hold Bucky and Steve's hands in mine, letting them kiss me and then each other with smiles on our faces. We sit up and hug each other, happy to be together again.

"Thank god you two idiots are alive.. god, I don't know what I'd do without you two testosterone junkies." I joke, kissing each of them on the cheek as we all bask in the glory of victory.

—timeskip to after the battle, at the TOWER—

Bucky and Steve all sit on the couch, leaning on each other with such purpose. I sit back and look at them, seeing if they would be without me. 'Maybe that's better.'

I sit down on the couch, next to Natasha and the end instead of in-between the two. Bucky and Steve look at me, surpise on their features as I talk with Natasha about Clint.

"Remember that time when I pinned him on the ground and we all put salt in his food." I laugh briefly before staring at the floor, Grief on me and Natasha's features.

"Maybe... maybe it's better this way. Somebody had to die to get the stone, and that bastard actually chained me down..." she smiles, and chuckles, then frowns, reaching up to her neck to hold her arrow necklace.

"I'm sorry nat... I'm sorry you had to loose him." I rub her shoulder as a single tear drops onto her lap. "But at least he's with his family."

They had randomly come back in the middle of the battle and were quickly torn apart by thanos' goons. We hadn't noticed they were even there until well after the battle, about three days into cleanup. Damn, Natasha looked so sad looking at the kids and Laura. Morgan was sad that her friends were dead aswell, finally able to process such a thing at the age of 13.

|—☆—|

I've been distancing myself from Steve and Bucky for three and a half months now. I don't even know how I'm still alive. They have started sleeping on the couch, where I used to sleep, causing me to move into an extra room. I returned all of their sweaters and sweatshirts and T-shirt's and jackets that I had taken from them over the years, sneaking into their room and moving everything into their drawers. I took all my clothing out, moving it all into the room-my room. Everyone was happy when Tony has been cleared to use his arm again, as it had been damaged from the stones. But Steve and Bucky just sat there, eyes on me sipping a glass of wine as I laughed with Natasha.

"Wait, so you're telling me that if even one person hadn't been in the chain, Tony would've died?" I look at Bruce with disbelief, my mouth slightly ajar.

"You are correct."

"And if we hadn't been there at all, tony would have died in even less time than two hours?"

"Yes Ash, now please go uh... talk to someone else. I need to work." Bruce shoos me out of the lab, locking me out.

"Fine." I turn around, getting into the elevator and going to the top floor. I get onto the fire stairs and take them up to the roof, bringing out my laptop and sketchbook. I play some Billie eilish, sketching pictures of me, Steve, and Bucky. After a while I take myself out of the mix, creating more intimacy between the two enhanced men.

Take me to the rooftop

I wanna see the world when I stop breathing

Turning blue

Tell me love is endless

Don't be so pretentious

Leave me

Like you do.

—

songs; Like I’m Gonna Loose You (Megan Trainor, John Legend) listen before i go (Billie Eilish)

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gaysonlyocean · 5 years

Text

ghost gang infodump!!!

tw: mentions and descriptions of murder, suicide, torture, injuries, gore, trauma and child death

this is mostly about physical characteristics they have cause of the circumstances of their deaths so im gonna go through them chronologically and say how they died, im putting Nancy and Virginia into one cause they died together also this got very long so its under the cut

The Crathorne Kids - starvation due to a famine

they move as one and stay unnaturally close together, if you look closely youll see that they physically overlap eachother and move through eachothers bodies

often they appear to living people as shadow people, other times they appear more clearly but are always mostly transparent

toys such as dolls and teddies start to move in their presence, they dont physically touch said toys but its part of whats left of their individuality manifesting

when theyre actively haunting an area (they dont often but sometimes they want to befriend a living child) food either disappears or goes rotten very quickly

if they stand in an area for a very long time, small animal bones and teeth will start to manifest around them

if they touch a living person, said person will feel like a twig hit them due to how spindly their fingers are

Salome - drowned via ordeal by water

she is constantly dripping muddy water wherever she goes

her hands and feet are covered in mud with her nails damaged

some have large parts broken off, others have splits right down them, a couple have even been pulled off

she has severe rope burns across her midriff, inner elbows, ankles and wrists

when she appears to living people, she fluctuates in transparency, going from almost completely solid to barely visible and back again, but if lights are shone onto her she appears completely visible

she constantly has a wide eyed stare

occasionally she have bouts of extreme fear out of nowhere, this is because she never fully recovered from her death

sometimes when shes experiencing these moments, it will start to rain warm, salty water

before her death, the local authorities put her through torture to try to get her to confess to witchcraft, she was forced to stay awake for weeks on end which caused her to have halluncinations and paranoia, she still sometimes experiences these as a ghost

when she haunts areas wet, knotted hair will manifest

Frank - froze to death in antarctica

the temperature drops severely around him and insects such as flies and spiders freeze solid

whenever hes haunting an area, who ever lives there never feels threatened by his presence

he doesnt manifest physically but he does appear if you take a photo of him but hes always really blurry

if you looked at him, you would see that not only does he appear to be breathing out fog, his body also emits a cold fog

glass often frosts over in his presence

hes the only one in ghost gang who has created a evp

a family was recording their childs birthday party and he wished them a happy birthday, the camera picked it up

he leaves wet footprints in his wake

Charles - brutally murdered with a meat cleaver

the blood from his wounds is actually constantly running down his face and both it and the wounds themself feel warm and wet if you were to touch them, the wounds also visibly throb

you can tell hes been somewhere by small specks and drops of blood appearing on the floor

he often appears to living people unintentionally, when he does he appears completely solid but slightly hazy, he also appears in photos but as a blurry bright light

the upper left side of his face is completely paralysed and his left eye is near completely blind as a result of his death

i say near completely because it can still detect changes in light but thats it

if you were to watch him for a while you would notice that his fingers twitch in a very specific way before going still and a few moments later twitch in the same way, this is because, like Salome, he never recovered from his death and he is involuntary looping his last movements in his fingers

in a similar vein, occasionally he will start to cry involuntarily, most the time he doesnt notice the tears streaming down his face

electrical stuff will start to malfunction in his presence, this can be anything from light flickering to tvs distorting violently

he does the most poltergeist like stuff in ghost gang but sometimes unintentionally

Nancy and Virginia - double suicide via fire

they constantly have the smell of burnt flesh around them

they hardly ever appear to living people but when they do is usually as a dark fog

smoke bellows from under their dress and out their mouths, noses, eyes and ears constantly

often they leave behind ashy footprints

dark soot manifesst in areas they have stood

they often cause audio disturbances

they sometimes appear in mirrors but Nancy does this more than Virginia

they often have coughing fits

the temperature rises severely around them

Josh - ate poisonious berries then broke his ribcage and pierced his lungs

often he leaves footprints behind him

he gets bouts of dizziness, lightheadedness, head aches and stomach aches

he will often cough up blood, the blood usually disappears soon afterwards

he constantly experiences travel sickness even if hes not moving, this is cause he died in the car on its way to the hospital

if hes around living people they will feel like they cant breathe

he appears to living people randomly, hes usually transparent and disappears after a few seconds

he often causes fruit to be damaged by being in its presence

he also cause living people to have trouble sleeping

random dead flora manifest around him if he stands still for a long time

he doesnt show it but he constantly experiences the pain he felt due to his pierced lungs

Michael - head trauma

his vision is very blurry

often he appears to living people in the form of orbs, but he does also appear in video and photos as a very blurry person and often he appears completely visible to children

blood will sometimes appear on the ceiling directly above where he was standing

he often unintentionally damages items by standing near them

people often hear him talking to them

he leaves hand prints on windows alot

a few people have taken video of him moving stuff around their children, this is him trying to provide company and friendship to said children

he spent three weeks alone after his death so he often stays around either the others or living people because he doesnt want to be alone again

he will often hang around families at parks to make sure the children dont hurt themselves, said children often tell their parents about the boy they see watching them and ask if they can play with said boy, the parents dont see the boy theyre talking about

#ghost gang #the crathorne kids #salome chevrolet #frank roberts #charles miller #nancy taylor #virginia parker #josh jones #michael wallace #murder //#child death //#gore //#torture //#trauma //#injury //#suicide //

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mandaloriangf · 6 years

Text

reasons why detroit become human makes no goddamn fucking sense beyond just the shitty allegory (aka i nitpick the fuck out of this game)

captain allen refuses to give connor any information about daniel despite this being a hostage situation and connor is there to diffuse it

also allen says that if connor doesnt take care of it he will and if he could why didnt he??

connor can reconstruct crime scenes with so little information that theres no way he could come to his deduction. for example in the first chapter he figures out that the father was holding something when daniel shot him despite there being NO WAY he could know this

theres segregation despite the fact that androids are servants to humans??? how are androids supposed to work for humans if they’re barred from entering certain places??

TEMPORARY PARKING????????????

unemployment is at 35% yet the economy is booming????

unemployed people blame androids for stealing their jobs despite the fact that androids did not get a choice and were made to do certain jobs. their anger should be directed toward cyberlife

markus shows emotion and has a distinct personality before becoming deviant like why does he even need to become deviant when he clearly already is??

carl’s on the nose monologuing.

carl says lets see where we left off and when markus takes down the tarp theres a finished painting. carl makes like five strokes lol.

he also makes the same “oh my god” no matter what markus paints

PRESS X TO SADNESS

how does todd afford kara and alice when he doesnt have a job

and why does he live on ethan mars’ street

and the biggest issue - ALICE IS AN ANDROID??????????

seriously how do android children work? whats the point???? if people hate androids why would they pay money to take care of one????????????????????

honestly how do they work? because alice can sleep but she doesnt eat????? and shes not gonna age so what happens to child androids? do they just have their memories wiped and get bought by another parent????

and if alice is an android, why does todd say kara needs to help with alice’s homework? she doesnt go to school! its addressed in the same fucking chapter!

and why doesnt alice saying anything to kara like hey stop trying to ask me if i want food i dont eat because im a fucking android

also kara figures out that alice is an android at the very beginning yet just ignores it?? i guess??????

and alice has a picture in her keepsake box of todd, his wife, and his biological daughter?? why???????? kill me

todd leaves his drugs in the laundry detergent, makes kara do the laundry, and then gets mad when she finds the drugs

HE MAKES HIS ROBOT TURN ON HIS ROOMBA LSAKDJFLKSJDFLKJSDF

no one does anything when connor enters a bar that doesnt allow androids

also its never explained in game (i think) why connor does the coin trick. i suppose it can be up to the player (i see it as a nervous habit/fidget device but you could also argue its for recalibration)

no one checks the attic of carlos’ house??? and his android hid up there for THREE WEEKS????????????

connor is designed to work “harmoniously with humans” but they gave him a forensics lab on his tongue so he literally just puts blood in his mouth in a crime scene alsdjflsjflajsdlfjdlj

kara serves alice dinner and alice actually sits there but she wont eat BECAUSE SHES AN ANDROID

the guy that comes on the bus doesnt bat an eye when he sees an android in the human section of the bus (i almost threw up typing that)

leo can survive that????????

carl doesnt try to reason with the cops before they shoot markus

why do deviants self destruct in stressful situations? we dont know. we dont fucking know.

connor can show genuine compassion to carlos’ android but doesnt seem bothered by it????

why is there such an extensive android scrapyard? first of all theres android resale shops (yuck) and parts are probably expensive, plus androids have existed for what? ten years at the most? theres no way cyberlife would just allow perfectly good android parts to be thrown away this makes no fucking sense

MARKUS CAN JUST PULL OFF HIS LED LIKE ITS A STICKER

A STICKER

seriously if its that easy whats the point? they already dress androids a certain way, why have the led except to know what androids are thinking? and if theyre thinking dont they have some level of free will?? (for example kara’s turns red when todd threatens her)

no one recognizes kara despite being a relatively common model like yeah she eventually changes her hair and clothes but she’s still got the same face lkadjfalsjdfljsdlfj

connor is unfazed when he’s shot but looks like he’s in pain when gavin punches him???

connor is able to get a confession from carlos’ android but can’t make small talk asdjflskjdfljdf

the whole chapter where markus finds jericho doesnt like have a lot wrong its just REALLY tedious

though the jump scares are stupid

ra9 is constantly referenced (particuarly in connor’s story) but doesnt go anywhere. at all. unless i missed something. but as far as i know its never explained who ra9 is.

(i think its markus)

the deviant in the pigeon filled apartment is just chilling in the attic? why do androids always stay in the same place instead of escaping????

the androids in jericho are really just hanging out in an abandoned, rusting ship doing nothing. like theyre shutting down bc they dont have blue blood and incompetents but no one thinks to go get any until markus rallies them.

also what is up with lucy? why does she talk like she can see the future

THE ENTIRE ZLATKO CHAPTER HAPPENS AT ALL

no seriously!!!!! you expect me to believe kara would just go to the address given to her by some random garbage collector android in the middle of the night which leads to a creepy house with a creepy guy with BLUE BLOOD ON HIS FINGERS who wants to take kara into the basement alone to remove a tracker she clearly doesnt have??????????????????????? she would’ve just booked it

KARA ACTUALLY GETS IN THE MACHINE AND IS SURPRISED ZLATKO IS GOING TO ERASE HER MEMORY

that android that says “whos the real monster” PLEASE MR CAGE MY NOSE IS SORE

connor just fucking breaks the window and jumps in alflskdjflskjfljsdljfkdsfljldsafskdf

putting hank under cold water sobers him up somehow

the game thinks it needs to spell out for me in actual letters on the screen that hank is suicidal despite the fact that you find him unconscious on the floor with alcohol and a gun AND he says he was playing russian roulette.

connor petting sumo is cute but sumo looks like he’s from a ps2 game

markus magically develops the ability to “convert” androids so to speak.

im telling you, he’s ra9

the whole eden club thing is very...icky

like the androids are literally put in tubes like wtf

the tracis have a relationship despite club policy of wiping memories every two hours

also im pretty sure they have the same face...?? why is this not addressed more

hank hates androids but likes it when connor spares them?

kara, luther, and alice dont just stay in the car for the night

luther brings up that theres something off about alice but gets interrupted. this is not the first time it happens. it happens THREE TIMES in total before the reveal she’s an android

the jerrys break the windows like zombies and then are like “dont shoot we come in peace”

the carousel scene is cute but where did the power come from???

connor starts showing signs of deviancy but doesnt notice it??? and amandas just like “stop it” and does nothing about it saljdflsjdflsjkdf

markus does the fake phone call right in front of the person he’s calling

who brought the box up to the bathroom? was it the deviant that connor can interrogate???? explain pls

pick up the bag. carry the bag. put down the bag. open the bag. kill me.

THEY GET OUT ONTO A WINDOW WASHING LIFT BUT THEN RAPPEL UP?????????????????

a giant screen that says rise as markus and north are going up the building

markus removes his skin for the broadcast (ew) to conceal his identity BUT IT REVEALS HIS SERIAL NUMBER THAT CONNOR LATER SCANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

north straight up wants to murder other androids for android freedom

no one finds simon on the roof unless connor goes up there

no one hears connor and the deviant fighting in the kitchen and no one hears connor calling out for help

rose is literally just 2038 harriet tubman

she compares what is happening to androids to what happened to black people in the past yet david cage expects me to believe this game isn’t about racism

kara believes that they will find refuge in canada because there are no android laws there, however the reason they dont have android laws is because CANADA HATES ANDROIDS JUST AS MUCH AS THE US

she has literally no reason to believe they’ll be able to survive in canada. theyd have to act like the cullens and move around all the time.

ntm if androids and their parts aren’t being manufactured, if anything happens to kara, alice, or luther theyre fucked!

markus had to choose between two very black and white options: violence or pacifism. i have a HUGE problem with how this is done bc being peaceful results in the “good” ending while being violent results in the bad “ending

(and for the record, going with a violent revolution can still result in freedom for androids. its just a LOT harder to keep everyone alive)

basically it completely misunderstands how real life oppression works and assumes that if a marginalized group is peaceful, public opinion will go up

thats not how it fucking works dipshit cage

kamski is literally just a weird combination of oscar isaac in ex machina and jared leto in blade runner 2049

like he’s left so ambiguous that you can’t even come to your own conclusion

connor can remark that chloe is pretty and seems sincere but doesnt question himself????

if you choose not to shoot chloe, you get nothing. you either have to replay the chapter and shoot her or look it up yourself. and im not fucking shooting her.

markus and north become “lovers” during a normal conversation

seriously. when it happened my mom and i were like ???????????????

yet markus can’t romance simon despite having more chemistry

and on that topic why can’t kara romance luther???? they have a lot of chemistry too.

the freedom march. just. ugh.

like markus really leads a bunch of androids down a street shouting “EQUAL RIGHTS” lkjasldfjlakjfjldf

markus evolves to the point where he can just look at androids and convert them like what

north and josh clearly both have a death wish

if i have to hear “we were going to crack the case” one more time i will kill david cage myself. do cops even talk like that?

gavin just straight up tries to murder connor????

THEY START PUTTING ANDROIDS IN CAMPS?????????????????? AS IF THE REST OF THE GAME WASN’T BAD ENOUGH????????????????????????

kara finds out alice is an android and luther has to spell out all her feelings for her??? like why would she stop loving alice skalfsjdlfkjdlfj theyre both androids

the fact that connor even has a machine story line

carl just straight up dies while markus is venting about his oppression asdjfsjflskjflkejiofjeijfoejflkjsflsj

we dont get any kind of resolution to connor going deviant. he just suddenly is. how does he feel about it? who cares!

“ask us something only the real connor would know”

why is that human couple with the baby so upset about not getting out of detroit? theyre human. they’ll be fine. i feel no guilt in taking their tickets.

alice can arguably forgive todd as he explains he just wanted to prove he’s a good dad. boo hoo. he’s still a dick.

connor can suddenly wake up androids too????

markus can really save the androids by kissing north or singing.

that actually

happens

KILL ME

the president looks like hillary clinton but has a “was a celebrity with no political experience” trump like background

#theres probably a lot more but this took forever and i just want to move on ldaskjflsjflskjf

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faithissometimesnice · 6 years

Text

Ok bare with me

This is a story? I guess? That I did for a OC I created and I'm posting it here because well. I guess I need to try being a bit more bold. But I'm scared and nervous so. WARNING! Hints of abuse, slavery, sexual assault, suicide and rape. So if that makes you uncomfortable please just scroll past. Welp here I go.

She coughs face pressed to the floor on her side. Covered in soot and reeking of smoke, more black than anything. She looks around with blurry eyes. A dimly light room with a mattress on the floor, a single light, and no windows. What happened? Were is everyone? She groans and coughs pushing herself up onto her elbow. A door with a slot underneath. Now shes nervous.

The door flys open with a bang and large man walks in and grabs her by her hair pulling her out. She reaches up with a Yelp trying to pry the fingers loose.

He enters a white tiled room and let's go simply to grab her wrist and reaches up chaining them to the hook in the center of the room. She twists and pulls trying to get her wrists out. He grunts and starts cutting her clothes off. She lets out a shout twisting away from the scissors. He simply yanks the chain so shes just barely touching the floor.

She let's out a cry as her shoulder hold her weight. The rest of her clothes now in a pile on the floor. She hisses glaring. He simply raises an eyebrow and walks over to the wall. He turns a knob and moves behind her. She twists trying to see what he was doing but cant quiet make it.

The sound of water and then icy cold is blasted onto her back. She gasps arching away from it but it does no good as the harsh cold water is sprayed at her, making her skin red from the cold and pressure hitting her.

It moves to her front hitting her in the face. She clenches her eyes shut sputtering. She turns her head only to get a blast to her temple, making her head throb.

The water turns off and she gasps catching her breath and shaking from the cold. He walks over and unhooks her letting her fall to the floor on numb legs. He picks her up completely naked and carries her back to the room? Cell? And dumps her on the bed.

She snarls and tries again. The big man sighs and reaches into his pocket and just before she makes it to the door shes pulled back by her hair and a needle pressed into her neck and before she realizes it the world goes black.

The next few days are a blur the world hazy muffled and mixed as shes lead dragged and pulled around. She has no idea her mind seemingly numb, eyes glazed and unfocused.

She goes to mechanically eat before something makes her stop. She looks down and after a long while puts in back on the tray and dumps in down the toilet. She does this for a few days and slowly the fog starts to clear.

She looks down at her self disgusted at the marks and bruises she has no recollection of getting, everything hurt though and she closes her eyes curling up. Shes only heard of these types of things, she never though she'd... she crosses her arms over her legs and buries her face in them.

The days start to blend together, faces, so many many faces, different yet the same, the same sneer the same smug look of satisfaction after everytime. She tries to push it away, ignor it, thinking about it doesnt help. But it changes. Someone didnt follow the rules. She pukes again, thin shoulders shaking, this is the third morning in a row shes done this and shes starting to worry.

A week, it's been a week and still every morning shes up body rejecting what little she did eat. What is going on? But she dares not let them know. Shes heard the sounds coming from that back room and wants no part of it, she'd rather die first.

A month, she notices the slight bump, only because her stomach has always been flat as a board and it's only gotten worse, but now, now it's not and she starts to worry more, what is this?

Another, now its noticable to everyone and shes starting to get looks when she is taken. She sits curled in a corner, it can only be one thing. She sobs quietly so no one hears. No nononono. Please no. Dont let it be that please.

She feels something and weeps. No.

She lays curled up a few days later and the door opens, the big man walks in and without a word grabs her upper arm and starts pulling her to the door. She claws and pulls. No not that door. He just grips tighter, fingers digging into her skin, tearing it.

She claws at him harder eyes wide as he pushes the door open. She twists and pulls feet scrabbling over the cold smooth tiles trying to find purchase on it, but is no match against the huge man. He pulls her in and shuts the door, hands still clamped down on her wrist.

Another man, face hidden behind a mask looks up over glasses and he waves him to the table at the center of the room.

She whines still trying to get away.

He swings her up and quickly straps her down, she falls limp, giving up.

He grabs a wand turning the monitor on and disintrested looks and nods. Its tilted just right for her to see the small body and her eyes fill with tears. She starts thrashing again, arching up and tugging trying to get loose, to get free to save them both, the leather biting in and tearing flesh. The masked figure grumbles and grabs a syring and plunges it into her neck hard enough to bruise. She gasps world falling to black.

Three days and shes curled up, blood running down her legs as she clutches her belly and sobs.

It blurs again, she gives up. This is her existence now, it's not life, shes just existing, why? She has no idea. It would be fairly easy to end it. The nail sticking out of the wall would work with enough effort. So could the wall for that matter, maybe the blankets?

The sudden image of her aunt rala comes to mind, than her mom, dad, her cousins, her uncle ghoul and aunt mae and andy, and... and Tom. Tears well up, her chest constricts and her breath hitch. She hasnt thought about them in so long, why? Why now?

She looks down and brushes her thumb over the knot on her wrist, several people have commented on it. Saying disgusting things about how it made her look. But despite that, it's something that still made her smile.

She makes up her mind. She wont die, she wont give them the satisfaction of seeing her break, not again. She grits her teeth and starts planning her escape with a focus even her aunt would be proud of.

THERE IM SORRY ITS SO LONG. BUT I WAS REALLY PROUD OF IT AND WANTED TO SHARE.

@dumbasticbirb @kitnkas @thedoctorofsteel @rennykae @antisocials-social

#fiction #my fic #oc #i really am proud #sorry its so long

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constel-langst-ions · 6 years

Note

10. Do a “saved from commiting suicide” langst prompt!

In celebration if m'boys bday... heres one of the asks you sent. I havent written in ages and I figured this is the least I could do for y'all.((This takes place Post-VLD))---Lance sat on the edge of his apartment's roof, shoulders hunched and his legs swinging. He let his heels hit the edge, listening to the thump as he stared at the sun setting. "What a beautiful sight..." He murmured to himself.He paused, taking a long, shaky breath."What a shame this is the last time I'll see it." ---Lance jumped up and briskly walked back into his apartment building. People weren't allowed up there; there had been documented suicides, so doors were kept locked. Lance hadn't planned on jumping, anyways; the roof wasn't tall enough. And it was too messy. Lance hated messes. He walked through the corridors and down the stairs, taking two at a time before he got down to the 4th floor. His floor. He took a few steps, reaching into his pocket and fiddling for his keys. He opened the door, and stepped inside.His apartment was nothing much. Just a place he rented once the Paladins- the Alteans, too- returned to Earth. He didn't want the fame or the interviews, so he quietly cut ties with the others and moved here, a tiny apartment building in Ohio. It was tiny. It was quiet. And he liked it that way.The others tried to contact him a few times- one or two even showed up at the building- but he never answered their calls or begs to visit him. He didnt want to get too close; it would make this harder than it had to be. It was already on his Birthday; couldnt they take the hint and leave him alone?He let out a sigh and walked into the bathroom, rummaging in the cabinet for a bottle of painkillers.Once they were found, he pulled them out and set them on the edge of the sink.He gripped the edge of the sink, his knuckles turning white.It was time. He was ready.---Pidge slammed through the hallways, jumping down the stairs so quick she thought she would fall fown them. She flew outside, her feet taking her as fast as they could. She threw open the door of the car parked, her breathing heavy. Everybody stared at her with wide eyes."We have to find Lance NOW.""What? Why? Wh-what happened? Didnt he say hes doesnt want to see us?" Hunk frantically shot questions her way."I think he's going to kill himself." Pidge breathed out.Everyone inhaled sharply."What makes you think that? You need to explain." The driver, Shiro, gently coaxed her. "He.. he was on the roof, an-and he said the sunset was the last thing he'll see or something...? I-I-I dont know! We have to get him now, though!" She begged, hands clasped.Everbody made eye contact, nodding. Shiro and Allura hopped out of the front seats in sync; Keith, Hunk and Pidge climbed out the middle. With a quick nod of the head, they took off back into the building, ignoring the worried calls of the workers.---Lance pressed down on the bottle, attempting to open it with all his night."Damn pill bottles. Open the hell up." He muttered through gritted teeth, wheezing once he heard the pop of the lid.He shook the bottle a bit, mentally calculating the amount inside."This should be enough.."He slowly lowered himself with his back against the wall, his tip toes pressed against the edge of the toilet. He tilted his head back, pressed the bottle to his lips, closed his eyes, and let them fall in.---Distantly, Lance heard the front door slam open and shouting. Or was it his bathroom door? He was nodding off quick, already laying on his side. He registered the cool tile against his bare skin. He could feel his breathing slow down. His chest hurt, a lot.And then it didnt. His eyes were closed, but he felt hands on his shoulders. Maybe it was just the tile, or his imagination. Either way, it didnt matter.He was out like a light.---Pidge knew the moment she kicked open the door that something was off. As if running on autopilot, she slammed open the bathroom door. She saw Lance laying down, and grabbed his shoulder, shaking him. She glanced over at the bottle of pills in his hand, a few on the ground.She turned around, her hand moving to his chest; his heartbeat was slow."We need to get him to vomit." She told the others. "Water with salt should do. 4 tablespoons. Quick!" She shouted.Hunk scrambled off, going as fast as humanly possible. He filled a glass with water, dropping several others in the process. He mixed in salt, then ran to the bathroom with the cup in hand.Pidge and Shiro had already moved a barely-concious Lance into a sitting position, Keith and Allura nearby calling 911.He handed the cup to Pidge.Pidge took the cup. Pressing his nose, (Im sorry no matter how much reasearch I did I couldnt find hoe to make an unconcious person drink), she pressed the drink to his lips. When it was done, she pressed his jaw closed, making sure he swallowed the salt water.He would be alright.He's going to be alright.She heard sirens in the distance, but she continued to stare down at Lance."He will live." She stated.Everyone looked at her, confused."He will live." She repeated, looking at them with glossy eyes."He's not dying before we can tell him Happy Birthday."

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my-addiction-to-you-is-no-more · 6 years

Text

Update on "excuses I've made more then once"

Excuses I've heard more than once;

Times you were silent.

You were 8 years old. He was babysitting you. You were taking a nap and when I woke up he was on top of you. You stayed silent because he's older than you, and you shouldn't expose adults that have worked too hard to get where they are.

Your mothers an alcoholic, your father's abusive, and your brother is your hero. You told me that one day when you were 10 years old you and him got into a fight he told you he hated you. You grabbed your father's gun out of his room went to your brother and told him “if you hate me that much pull the trigger”. You put the barrel into your mouth and waited silently for him to say or do something. Your excuse for the gun being moved was the monsters in your head

13 years old. You called me crying, it was 2 weeks before christmas. I told you to come over and tell me what had happened and when you did I regretted me not going to your house insead, if I had I could have beat him right then and there. You told me you where sitting on the couch watching Christmas movies when he forced himself on top of you, ripped down your pants and forced his hands into you. Your excuse for not telling is that you didn't want to ruin Christmas for him.

I've always said “A heart cannot break it can only bend” I'd always thought that was true until you told me he had past. The one that you could describe better than you could yourself, your big brother, your hero. His name used to linger the air in my room so often that it was like I knew him personally. But now the air is bitter with a loss of words as if his name is now forbidden to say. I remember what you told me when he past. ”He died doing what he loved to do, helping people.”you used to ask me all sorts of questions about things you thought were selfish. But now I have a question. Is it selfish for me to be as heart broken as you, is it selfish to miss someone I never knew? I feel as if I'll never get to really meet your family because I can't meet him. But I can tell that he meant so much to them, I've met your aunt now Bedridden because of the loss, I've met your uncle, drug addicted because it makes him feeling a slight drop of something other than sadness. And I've met his younger brother which is the saddest case next to yours, he doesn't sleep, he only works because what's the point of sleep if he can't open his eyes to see you walking up the stairs of the porch coming home from the college that he'll never leave. Most people would say I'm sorry for your loss but what I would like to say is that if I could give my life for his. I would in a heartbeat.

My excuse for the trade of life would be that you need him more than you could ever need anyone in the world.

13 years old. You helped her everyday you talked her out of suicide every single day you let your grades slip your entire life crumble and fall just to keep her head above water. You loved her with everything you had left in you. When her parents found out about you they cut you two off, they took away all of her electronics and decided to homeschool her. But what they didn't know if that they took away the little but of sanity you had, and when you told them they didn't even care. You did everything you could to get ahold of her but one day you just stopped you let it all go, you let yourself slip away into the dark leaving me to pick you up even though you didn't want me to I did it anyways now I get to watch you be happy and leave me behind until you slip again. Because that's the only time you'll ever need me, and that's okay. Your excuse will be that you were just too busy

I ask you if you remember how you two met. Of course you do. It was seven years ago, your first day of grade one when she sat on the bench for all of recess all you could honestly think was of was how bad it was that she were alone. It took you a while to build up the courage to sit with her and you two became good friends. You only talked that one day though, I guess she must have made some friends and forgotten about you. You never really saw her again until the fifth grade when she started riding your bus, sometimes you sat together and joked about school and such but you never really thought much of it, just another pretty face in school you didn't realize how much she would mean to you back then. Until the first day of seventh grade you two were waiting for the bus when your friend groups just kinda merged. She used to take your hat a lot, even though you never let anyone touch your hat, you liked when she did and you would chase her around when she had your hat, not to get the hat but to see her smile. Her smile, she used to do this thing it was in between a smile and a smirk because she never wanted anyone to see how messed up her teeth where but honestly you thought her teeth were perfectly fine they aren't like anyone else's in the world and neither was she. From her smooth dark brown hair to her small feet you found her to be perfect. And her personality it was amazing it was so imperfect, she was bipolar so her emotions were all over the place but she could handle herself she was okay on her own and because of that you look up to her. And Deep down she wants that one person In her life that understands her but on the outside she just doesnt want to show anyone that because she lets people in so easily shes afraid of being called a slut. You am in love with her you love her because she showed you something nobody else did.. Compassion. She made flowers grow in your lungs and although they are beautiful you cannot breathe

Your excuse for her not knowing this is her parents don't like you

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