#i am never ever moving on from this

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

"See you tomorrow"

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 4 [prev parts]

#better drawn mdzs #MDZS Disco Elysium AU #mdzs au #Lan wangji #wei wuxian #yiling laozu #Happy Belated Halloween! #digital art #Thank you all for your patience as I drove myself into a madness only known by those lost at seas alone. #I put a lot of time into this one! It's not perfect but I am very happy with it + I am so happy to put down the tablet pen. #Digital art has some nice features but I'm sticking with traditional! I need a month to recover from the 2+ weeks of torture. #Okay lets talk about the AU and the comic now #Disco elysium has some of the best existential-horror-dream sequences I have ever seen. #The dialogue here is heavily inspired by The Final Dream - A scene I'd love to talk about more were it not so heavy with spoilers. #My AU is a lot more complex than a simple character swap but I really felt like LWJ + YLLZ fit this scene. #The final dream is about being unable to move on from a lost love. From something You made holy. From something You ruined. #It is about realizing that no matter how smart you are or what you offer or how you try to change - #You will never be able to turn back time. You will never ever be able to fix what is broken. That you also have been broken for a long time #You are a fuck-up who worships the nail covered ground of someone who did not want to be holy. And even though it hurts- #You cannot let this nightmare go. The pain keeps the love close. It is worse to forget. You promised to remember. #WWX died thinking LWJ disliked him. LWJ lost someone he thought was revolted by his love.

[coolnonsenseworld]

Last piece ❤️💙

There are still leftovers of the Calendar as well as some A5 prints with calendar pieces 💞

linktr.ee/Mezzy (or check my Tumblr for links)

#klance fanart #klance #voltron legendary defender #ooofff you ever feel like you keep doing things and things are still to get done??? #i keep saying this every five posts #i start to think loving getting in the 'art zone' is my biggest vice #because sure i sketch or do some digital work from time to time but if i haven't sat down to draw for hours #until eyes sting and neck cant move and brain sleepy af? is it drawing anymore? is it living anymore? yeah i thought so #im the main person making grocery shopping in this house did you know? for three people #there is always something running out and like let me tell you i already answer business emails while eating #i cleaned the windows today before my first coffee #okay to be fair i started it but apparently i used the wrong bottle and i smeared anti grease all over the windows #and then finished my coffee staring at the curvy roads of a thin film painted between me and the world promising myself to never do anythin #before first coffee #either way i feel like i havent been very present or entertaining lately #by which i mean on and off for months #am i correct or am i partially correct or reimagining things? who knows #but i keep having so many things i want to do it just keeps on going #i'm starting with commissions now #BUT THEN!! #haha yeah i hope you are having a great November and enjoy this piece!! #sending hugs <3 if you like them if not #a gentle wave from a far

[3-aem]

i also don’t want to portray myself as faultless. my work isn’t ai and it isn’t copied. but nk will say i Had old pieces that were copied and referenced ai. Yet it isn’t good faith when i apologize, state how i took accountability, and explain thats definitely not the case today because i learned my lessons- to respond with well you made these mistakes in the past so how can i believe you, you are lying, and have not changed.

so i quit. how can i prove myself then besides what i mentioned in the last post. my question is will you even ALLOW me to prove myself. each time i must explain, i place a spotlight on something that was resolved agreeably with the artists, resolved by removing the works, and resolved within myself by learning from it. but by not saying something i also allow You to concoct narratives and have to watch people spread them around and come to me demanding apologies. it is a very uncomfortable very distressing process that has worn me down completely.

never mind that other artists who have copied have not nearly been requested to apologize as much as i have been. never mind that they were forgiven when they removed the works or even when they just say sorry and don’t remove the work at all. But you still choose to hound me afterwards for doing just that?

nk has stated that i have not fixed this. and that i must address it. how many times though? for how long also? who on this planet starts the conversation by recounting all their mistakes, especially when they know they are resolved.

i have had to learn my lessons through cruelty like yours. trust me its a trauma i have to bear and they are not lessons you then forget.

my anger and my feelings of defeat come from the fact that even after nk was still talking like i had not even attempted to make progress. just look at your tone here.

#im going to fking throw up this is the last time i will ever say this #do not come begging to be for another apology i am done #i will never address this issue again okay #i need to say this because no matter what when i see people supporting me now i feel guilty #i recognize it is just because i hate myself #it is because i havent accepted i made mistakes #but i cant accept it because people cant accept it #i cant accept it and i cant move on #and that is why i think its best to leave art #i cant make work i am proud of anymore #i dont want to list names of artists #but i will say that when king chris reposted my work without credit i viewed it the same as when i referenced other artists work #but there was no callout no request even from the comments for credit #and he has millions of followers #i felt like i could not stand up for myself because i have this history #because of this history i can never properly defend myself i feel i must always kneel to it #even though i have changed and realized i was wrong i still have to acknowledge it always

[uncanny-tranny]

The funniest thing is that the stereotype that trans people will become less aromantic/asexual once they transition is false for me. I became even more aroace.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #ace #asexual #aro #aromantic #aroace #never let them know your next move #i am the most content i have ever been and that has allowed me to let go of my expectations #i allowed myself the happiness of letting go of amatonormativity #no clue if i have posted this sentiment #but transitioning saved me from living a life which feels like a lie #it hasn't JUST freed me of dysphoria/affirm me. it also changed my mindset. it has made me kinder. it has made me gentler. i know myself #if i were religious i would absolutely say it is holy because this feels sacred #the becoming of the self is such a human yet divine thing

[ash-and-starlight]

mom was right nobody ever helps in this fucking house

#feeling murderous today <333 #literally why am i the idiot fuck who always ends up deep cleaning the house #bc if not my roomies are happy to let it turn into a dumpster hello??? #at least today i discovered that if i loudly announce ‘i WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE’ from three days in advance #one of them might feel spiritually moved to put away the dishes. baby steps. leading by example etc etc #(sadly obviously it’s the girl the boy will Not do shit ever i fear) #‘can i use the bathroom one sec?’ my faggot in christ do you Not See i’m elbow deep in the toilet you want to shit in???????????????? die #retroactively apologizing to my mom she’s never been wrong once in her life she suffered more than christ #and now i’m following the same path cleaning after ppl my age 🫡🫡 #send post

[un-pearable]

darkly funny to me that lloyd “father issues” garmadon is the one who introduced jay to starfarer

#text✨ #ninjago #having fic ideas…. #i am a comic collector (bad hobby to pick up but very fun and intoxicating). have a story idea of jay and lloyd working together to #collect all of the OG starfarer run and they never fully do (are Children) (older comics are expensive) (starfarer as fictional x-men and #the OG run starting with the equivalent of giant-size x-men no.1 that is STUPID expensive and one of the most valuable comics ever) #and then years later after they’ve both had to grow up more. years later during like. the year long gap or smthn they jokingly start doing #it again. half their original collection is lost or damaged from various times they had to move or the bounty was destroyed but they have #a good start. lloyd’s finding other comic shops in ninjago city while jay finds them occasionally out in the smaller cities #and they find The issue. the big one. when jay remembers that itty little tidbit about the other person in his life that cared about starfar #yeah that’s right obligatory reveal angst baby. i am nothing if not consistent >:]

[puhpandas]

Tony Becker is one of the only times that I've seen that a character has actually been doomed by the plot when people say he is

#i probably just am not interested in enough other things to see it more often #but he genuinely fucking is #like how does it feel to dig yourself in a hole you cant come back from as a result of your own actions #and your life going downhill and everything that could go wrong going wrong #and you isolate yourself more and more from your friends and family without even realizing and are so sure of uourse #that you run into everything headfirst not ever thinking that you could ever get hurt even though your dad warned you #and you died from your best friend because of ir #that you were considering ditching everyone else for #like dude. #ggy genuinely is such a good book tony as a character is so well written #its such a tragic story in every sense of the word #every part of that book and all its characters are tragic #tony especially is because gregory beinf mind controlled is off screen #but tony is just. wow ur kinda a shitty person but wholly unaware of it #but the people on your life kinda failed you alongside you failing yourself #so he never even got the time of day to be wrong and aware of it and learn from it #nobody ever cared or was able to tell him that so he could start improving #nope. he died and his family and his best friend have to live with that not ever knowing what happened to him #and ellis' two best friends probably go missing at the same time and he just has to move on #like damn its such a good story #pandas.txt #tony #ggy #thoughts

[britneyshakespeare]

My toxic trait is that I like how my incomplete drawings look better than the finished things

#im sorry i cant be her (my searching lines) #i cant stop thinking about this drawing i have a sinking feeling that im gonna be very unhappy when its done #or. not unhappy. but not as excited as i feel about it now! #i only worked in two short chunks on it but both were pretty productive #i have a feeling that when i take the time to really dedicate myself to it im gonna fuck something up #like i can see areas i need to/can improve already but the glaring flaws are ok! bc it's not finished! #it OVERALL looks cool and LOOKS like it has the potential to turn out well #but will it... WILL IT??? WILL IT EVER? #i have never been so totally completely satisfied w any finished drawing ive dedicated myself to fully. #tales from diana #this is also only the second time ive done a really deliberate self-portrait that wasnt in some for or another. practice #like of course ive drawn my face before. not that often actually. but since yes i do draw. i have drawn myself #i probably should've drawn myself more times for how often i think id like a nice picture of myself #but then again its not gonna be so 'nice' if i make it and am not totally happy w it? #see one of the ppl who inspired me to learn to draw is ned @sneez my dearest. he's spoiled me before #and drawn me very beautifully on several occasions and it's very much a thing to move one's heart #to see someone dedicate their talent to depicting YOU. #and i might say HE has made me look more beautiful in art than i think i'll ever look in the flesh #which is not to say he drew me inaccurately. but he's so talented that his art is more beautiful than life. #and i dont compare myself in skill to him bc he's been doing it for YEARS and way more trained than me in the visual arts. #like it simply wouldn't be fair so i only compare myself to myself. naturally #but i used to think. very VAINLY i might say. that if i could draw like him id draw beautiful pictures of myself all the time #well ce n'est pas ca mon ami. since learning to draw i've found im much more interested in drawing ppl i find beautiful #rather than myself. im not art. not through my own eyes at least. #i should really draw ned sometime. i really should. #actually somewhat embarrasingly i tried to draw him like 5 or 6 years ago. and i NEVER tried to draw then #i did show him tho and he thought it was very impressive but that's probably just bc he loves me. xoxox #maybe ill post that someday as a throwback just for the hell of it. lol. thatd be cute

[pansyfemme]

i think this time of year is cursed

#last year i got horribly sick and depressed #this year i had to flee my dorm and miss classes to keep myself safe from harassment until i could work out moving times #im so fucking angry i am fuming i am furious i want to scream #i did absolutly nothing to deserve this. this wasnt a mutual argument this wasn’t a bad roomate thing this was a person using the fact that #i am a traumatized trans person to intimidate and harass me and make me feel unwelcome in my housing #i feel sick with rage. #im well liked on campus im doing fantastic in all my classes i am doing everything i can #and one person decided he hated me and fucked up my entire semester #the good thing is i am never sleeping there again. i am not returning to that dorm until i am there to move out and i am greatful #but im just so upset about the whole thing. #everyone on campus agrees i did nothing. that i didnt cause this. but i still have to carry the burden of moving #he will be talked to and i dont think he will ever feel welcome on campus after this but i am so angry he thinks so little of me he thought #he could make my life hell and face no punishment for it.

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

Omg back to Sweden again.

And this time for good.

I am not moving EVER AGAIN.

*puts roots in Swedish soil and starts stocking up to make glögg*

#nemo babbles #private #listen #yours truly has lived in 6 different countries in the past 10 years #and while it might sounds awesome #let me tell you #on the long run it's not #having to get acquainted with different bureaucratic systems #having to say goodbye to friends knowing we will never cross roads again #it makes one's heart grow weary #so I am so happy to finally say that my long odyssey is DONE. #i am not moving from Sweden ever again #except for vacation #now if y'all will excuse me #I need to eat a semla and a kanelbulle #and wash it down with my tomte latte

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[dykedvonte]

If Ulysses has a million haters, then I'm one of them. If Ulysses has one hater, then I'm THAT ONE. If Ulysses has no haters, that means I'm dead. If the world is with Ulysses than I’m against the world.

#this is slightly joking but like also not but also like am mixed on Ulysses on many factors #infuriating because i sympathize with his pain but it’s like #he is a well written and fundamentally flawed character whose hypocrisy I found doubly in #black characters I can tell were designed by white people with a semblance of an understanding of activism and bipoc oppression #but not enough for the character to not feel like hand holding for the majority white audience #plus personal grips with the whole twisted hairs thing and reference to slave braiding patterns #Ulysses irks me as a black person on a weird personal level and I can go into debt on why him being black is a big detractor for him to me #like he continues this cycle of distancing himself from his roots before remembering over and over again through his actions #he leave so much in his wake that the courier ends up correcting or helping like in honest hearts and old world blues because he’s self #righteous in a subtle way even to himself that he believes he stand out of his one man rule when he does not play an active hand #saw a post talk about how you choose to continue moving through his story and can leave at any moment and this it is partially your fault #but what of the oath that is set before you and is forced to take that he set up #I do not have to walk it but when I do the steps are not my own but those taken for me #you have to go out of your way to change it which is not something he expects because he’s playing by a story he’s been perpetuating in his #head about you two and the effect one man has when he’s continually been that one man more so than you as many of his actions directly lead #to the one you go through also the irony in the flag he continues to bear being the real reason he has no home #like he reps it when the package is likely enclave and thus use the same symbol #also still can’t get over how anyone could have delivered the package and he tries so hard to act like it was the couriers destiny or fate #when this was the one case of chance and that once man was likely a enclave engineer and how it’s really is never one man #it the process and he’s so annoying about it like he’s a cool character but if you don’t believe in his philosophy or already went through #these ideas cause they are very common talking points in poc especially BIPOC spaces he’s just old hashings and stunted #fallout #fallout new vegas #Ulysses you upset me but I’m like I feel you could be better if you weren’t so incessant #I don’t think I ever want to make a serious post stating this about him just because I’d start yapping and it’d never get finished #ulysses fnv #fnv ulysses #lonesome road

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before #is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things #the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the #weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad #not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a #prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country #my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for #treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad #as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain #shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing #to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird #when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk #i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach #out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like??? #this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home #somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms. #but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long #term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting #whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot #i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors #i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival #unrelated

[yunamaocaro]

me officially realizing that yuzuru has his own life outside of figure skating now with personal achievements as grand as those he has in figure skating and that hes happy and surrounded by people who support him and hes never coming back to competitive skating:

#im happy for him dont get me wrong 😓 snd i never really believed he eould come back. well maybe i did. but like 😭😭 i miss his skating #and i miss skating in general but i no longer click w performances the way i used to #like w mao yuna yuzuru... idk man #not 2 get emo but idk its just like ever since yuzuru retierd figure skating just isnt what it used to be anymore #(to me personally) #idk this is like hes moved on from fs in his way and maybe so have i 😭 even tho i do miss fs a lot #anyway. i really am happy for him <3 #yuzuru hanyu #figure skating

[non-un-topo]

Wondering if it's worth it to bind today and wear a literal pin with my literal pronouns if my supervisor and peers are going to misgender me all day

#context! i don't think my supervisor has ever had any trans friends. she works in a feminist library so i know she's safe. but she's not- #-used to / very knowledgeable about trans stuff. #and my peers are also just not really aware either. about the fucking existence of trans people i mean. despite working in a feminist libra #i'm so glad i'm graduating after this summer because lately i feel like feminism is pulling away from me more and more. #where's my spot in it? institutions (uni) who brand themselves as inclusive and progressive are a joke. #i didn't think misgendering would fuck me up so bad at this point in my life (thought i didn't care and i was okay with also being female.. #but i'm barely keeping myself alive and moving this morning. #dysphoria was so extreme last night it almost made me throw up. had to shower in the dark. that's never happened. #why do i bother at all if the entire world will always see me as a girl. like what the fuck am i doing.

[whatkindofnameisella]

me having to take a day long break after every 15 min of The Chosen arc because i know that every 15 minutes of naddpod i listen to is another 15 minutes closer to ambiguous/unrequited/just friends hardshine ending

#I CANT TAKE IT. I CANT TAKE IT I CANT TAKE IT. #at least this is what i understand from the word on the street #hardshine #naddpod #no sorry. i cannot be normal about other ppl's dnd characters. i tried but i cant i have to go batshit insane obsessed every time. #also from what i hear hardwon is in c3 for an arc or two which one. yay i love him he is my favorite guy ever. but two #how am i supposed to watch middle aged moved on hardwon if i myself will never move on. tell me how jake hurwitz and emily axeford.