#i cant make work i am proud of anymore

[3-aem]

i also don’t want to portray myself as faultless. my work isn’t ai and it isn’t copied. but nk will say i Had old pieces that were copied and referenced ai. Yet it isn’t good faith when i apologize, state how i took accountability, and explain thats definitely not the case today because i learned my lessons- to respond with well you made these mistakes in the past so how can i believe you, you are lying, and have not changed.

so i quit. how can i prove myself then besides what i mentioned in the last post. my question is will you even ALLOW me to prove myself. each time i must explain, i place a spotlight on something that was resolved agreeably with the artists, resolved by removing the works, and resolved within myself by learning from it. but by not saying something i also allow You to concoct narratives and have to watch people spread them around and come to me demanding apologies. it is a very uncomfortable very distressing process that has worn me down completely.

never mind that other artists who have copied have not nearly been requested to apologize as much as i have been. never mind that they were forgiven when they removed the works or even when they just say sorry and don’t remove the work at all. But you still choose to hound me afterwards for doing just that?

nk has stated that i have not fixed this. and that i must address it. how many times though? for how long also? who on this planet starts the conversation by recounting all their mistakes, especially when they know they are resolved.

i have had to learn my lessons through cruelty like yours. trust me its a trauma i have to bear and they are not lessons you then forget.

my anger and my feelings of defeat come from the fact that even after nk was still talking like i had not even attempted to make progress. just look at your tone here.

#im going to fking throw up this is the last time i will ever say this #do not come begging to be for another apology i am done #i will never address this issue again okay #i need to say this because no matter what when i see people supporting me now i feel guilty #i recognize it is just because i hate myself #it is because i havent accepted i made mistakes #but i cant accept it because people cant accept it #i cant accept it and i cant move on #and that is why i think its best to leave art #i cant make work i am proud of anymore #i dont want to list names of artists #but i will say that when king chris reposted my work without credit i viewed it the same as when i referenced other artists work #but there was no callout no request even from the comments for credit #and he has millions of followers #i felt like i could not stand up for myself because i have this history #because of this history i can never properly defend myself i feel i must always kneel to it #even though i have changed and realized i was wrong i still have to acknowledge it always

[yelloworangesoda]

gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this

#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me #‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds #im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing #life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something #i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore #i finished. and i hate it #i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here #i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant #it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them #i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just #didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore #ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better #idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu #but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years #and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!! #i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad #i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped #like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this #drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me #not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess #yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well. #i dont like to say the words #simons spouting #vent :(

[mercuryislove]

YESSS SILLY QUESTION SUNDAY. Last and before the beginning please 🥺

FINALLY i've dragged myself to my laptop (which means i moved it from my shiny new desk to my bed lmao) to do something productive even though it's after midnight. good evening. sorry for the delay :c and for what it's worth it's still too hot for a heating pad. send help.

last:

“So how do you feel now?”

“Hungover. Embarrassed. A little nauseous. The usual.” Yixing shrugged. “But better now that I've talked to you.”

the context for this is. um. lol. someone had a little breakdown and drank too much and made the World's Biggest Fool of Himself in front of a girl who happens to be named Sonam AFTER they already were not on speaking terms and he is making painful attempts to apologize for his stupid idiot behavior. Yixing sucks lol

--

before the beginning:

The two of them stood there for a moment, taking it all in, before noticing the blood dripping from her palm. She'd smudged a chunky red hand print on the floor when she first sat upright, and a second, cleaner one on the front of her thigh when she gripped it in a failed effort to stand.

Nobody spoke. Her eyes, bloodshot from the sleeplessness and the sobbing, darted between Josef and Luka before finally settling on the door with its broken lock behind them. They're old, she thought, I can outrun them.

Vera is stupid lol this is when she's finally confronted about her suicidal tendencies and SIGNIFICANT drinking problem after she disappeared for almost a full year

--

#oc talk #UM the post editor has changed or something because it took fucking forever to get this to work. or im stupid. or both. #anyway do you see i have a type with characters. drinking problems suicidal tendencies daddy issues socially inept #theyre just like me fr except i dont drink too much anymore #i cant even think what to say here without rambling eternally #yixing makes a fool of himself and spends like two full weeks in a vague drunk state trying to find sonam in a huge city to 'apologize' #and when he finally gets the chance he's like 'sorry i dont normally apologize to people this is my first time' #and she's like 'holy SHIT i should push you into oncoming traffic' but she doesnt because hes TWENTY AND STUPID #and havent we all been twenty and stupid and immature and too proud to beg lol #i am currently thirty and stupid and immature and oftentimes too proud to beg #anyway. #the thing with vera is that she lied about going to rehab and fucked off to the middle of nowhere to commit a slow suicide #but she's stupid to think she can hide from josef of all people but is even STUPIDER for thinking she can outrun him in any context ever #this is after two people closest to her died in very gruesome ways that were HER fault for being DRUNK on the job #she does get help though but she kicks and screams the whole fucking way there

[tojiswhore-nanamisslut]

Knowing you're not enough and that nothing you can do will be enough is an unbearable weight to carry

#i cant send more money home than i already i literally cannot #i send EVERYTHING besides what i meed for rent + utilities #and i havent run my heater this entire winter to cut costs #and i dont go out or buy things i am living as minimally as possible #and its not enough #sending almodt $4k each month to ky step dad #snd now my bio dad tells ke he had to refinance the house and that if he doesnt get a new job by august #they wont have any money left in savings bc hes has to dip into it every month #i just #ive never felt so helpless in my life #i should be proud if ky accomplishments but instead all i can thik about is how its kot ENOUGH #i cant afford to oay 2 mortgages and my rent #i cant help anymore than i already am and it feels fucking terrible #i havejt cried over ky situation this entire time but now? im sitting at my computer trying to work thru tears #and it's bc nothing i can do will be enough even if i get another job it wont be enough bc i dont have time to work the kind of job #that would pay me enouh to make a difference #im so tired #im uust so fucking tired cna we catch a break please

[spirit-praise-and-beauty]

venting in tags again dont rb

#ohhh my god i am sick of everything. #im starving but too proud to ask for money #im stuck in my room bc if i leave im gonna get faced with some shit thatll only serve to make me angrier #everyone i know. EVERYONE with NO EXCEPTIONS is SEVERELY toeing at my boundaries lately #my sleep schedule is so fucked idk if i can make it to work on time #i have literally NO means to calm down except possibly robbing the liquor cabinet #which i am NOT about to do for reasons of my own plus it would be rude #i have shit i still have yet to reschedule. i have to get these things done THIS MONTH #but with how many FUCKING times ive had to reschedule it it doesn’t feel even worth it anymore #even though this is something that could land me job security for the rest of my fucking life #im falling deeper and deeper into a pit of addiction to weed that i cant climb out of because nothing else fucking works #i cant fucking find a therapist and my old one is always booked #everything has gone to so much shit and im tired of it #i have nothing left going for me #and frankly id rather die than keep living like this #i can’t ‘theres so much beauty in the world i have yet to experience’ my way out of this one

[meebspace]

GRUUUAAGGGGGG part 2 idk

#i genuinely do not know ehy i dont just end it because what's the point? #i dont see the possibility of the world. i dont see the love in everything anymore. im not enough just existing like i thought i was #obviously im not #and in some way i feel like all of it was deserved because why would it keep happening if it wasnt? why would i have stayed in this sort of #weird thing if i was? ive lost so many of my friends for the same reasons- for me being a bad friend.both my parents and some family thinks #im underachieving and its like.. maybe i AM just bad. maybe i AM just worthless and talentless and have no future #why would i be here if those werent true?????? #i just #im just trying to work and get myself together so im less of a burden- so finally my dad wont complain about me and so finally i wouldnt hav #e to leech off everyone i know. and at that point why even work when it can just all be over asap (if i could get over my fear of death) #i dont even want to talk to peopl about it anymore because it just worries them or makes me look stupid and immature #like people have to tire of constant emotionally oppressive venting at some point #and i cant get medicated because they always dismiss me with anxiety. and i dont have a counselor just because i dont have time in my schedu #le for that. so it feels really demotivating and really pointless. but not seeking those makes me feel like im just a useless wallower? #idk. im gonna pick up another job anyways. maybe I'll just work so much that i can be dead to the world with the illusion of being success #ful or something. maybe then i wont be such a failure of a human being and they can be proud of me

[artisanalpeanutbutter]

Important update:

I have become the douchebag who drinks protein shakes

#im sowwie #BUT ive gotten sick gains recently so im not gonna argue with the results #like holy shit #i started actually eating and making sure i get enough protein and got muscle practically overnight #it's really helped me break out of the issues ive had with eatinf #it was hard for the first week bc i wasnt used to actually eating enough food #but i noticed immediate results abd that made it so much easier #like i was super fucking scrawny a month ago #i am. decidedly not scrawny anymore #still relatively scrawny but like i look like i work out now #also had to say byebye to a few shirts bc my shoulders are too broad but that's a sacrifice im willing to make lol #also my pullup max tripled in 1 week so uhhhhh HELL YEAH #was reminded of my old post bc i saw a ffxv post and ffxv always makes me feel like working out #but i cant work out rn bc i have a pre-migraine #and i couldnt find my og protein shake post but felt the urge to update #bc im very proud of myself #i can actually look at myself in the mirror and not hardcore cringe or get upset

[ludwigplayingthetrombone]

Ding dong, here’s the final chapter! I have an epilogue in mind so that may come later, but for now, Thanks  so so much for the response to this series and Enjoy!

Ch1 Ch2 Ch3

[talking] [talking passes]

Gai: You knew right away, didn’t you? Kka: Correct. I knew something was wrong when you weren’t trying to do situps or anything..... You little criminal, who smuggled that in for you? Gai: Naruto

Kks: How did you get him to do that? /I/ cant even get Naruto to do things. The tear tracks and shit eating grin are cute. Kinda wanna kiss you. Gai: Don’t let me be a hindrance to-

Gai: What are you giggling about? Kks: I just remembered

Kks: I get to hold over your head that I held mirai before you. Gai: You what?! Your first baby hold and I missed it? Get off of me Kks: So mean! Near death made you crabby. Gai: I won’t give into this Kks: You will, you always succumb. [gai sighs annoyed]

Gai: [Groans] When are they making you swear in as hokage? Kks: That’s not happening anymore thankfully. Gai: Huuuh?? Tenzou didn’t tell me that!

Gai: He said Lady Tsunade was retiring and you were the only choice. Naruto even tried to- Kks: Where do you think i’ve been all day? I convinced her to hold out until Naruto or whoever  took over next. Gai: How did you smooth talk that one? Kks: I agreed to do her paperwork and cover for when she needs R&R. I also advised her to ditch the elders so she can actually run this shit show right. Gai: And they... took that well? The elders? Kks: No, not at all. Let’s just say I said some... things that made them backtrack on their decision.

Gai: YOu cant just say that and not tell me now!! I gotta know! Kks: Well... Homura: Absolutely not! Kks: If I am appointed, I’ll be replacing you regardless. Naruto certainly will. It’s inevitable. Koharu: Those kids don’t know how this village runs!

Kks:Those kids just won your war and this is how you speak of them. Or are “those kids“ only respectable to you when they’re eager to die at your beckon call and shut up. Elders: How dare- Watch your tongue! Kks: I won’t be someone who you can walk all over. Things will change. Just so my intentions are clear

Gai: What next?! Kks: That’s is really. Kinda tuned the rest out and passed out for 3 hours. Gai: Rival, I was so invested Kks: Sorry Gai: So you agreed to essentially split the work of a hokage but not publicly take the title? Kks: Mhm Gai: So cool! Apologies, I had just assumes since you were gonna accept last time Kks:[hums] Things changed. Konoha’s not on the brink of war, Tsunade’s still here. The village can breathe and rebuild now.

Kks: After a glimpse of the hassle and public attention the last time, I’m just... Not interested in any of that. I’ve never dreamed or desired to be the hokage. That was always something others wanted /for/ me. So I said no. I know you were happy for me so- Gai: Kakashi

Gai: I’m so very proud of you for expressing how you truly feel. You and tsunade will do amazing work supporting the next generation. Even If you chose to retire today, I’d still be just as proud of you. Also a selfish part of me if happy to have more time with you. [kks huffs]

Kks: I’m proud of you too, y’ know. All your hard work, you’re fucking incredible. Glad my dad made me talk to the cool kid in the green jumpsuit. 2nd coolest shinobi. Gai: Only took 25 years, but I’ve finally caught your eye! Kks: Yup, let’s move in together.

Gai: WHAT?1 Whu-! Kks: I’m fixing up dad’s old house with Tenzou. you should live there with me Gai: Why? Kks: Why are yo suspicious? I’m serious. Space, accessibility for you... I want you around more. Gai: Ok Kks: Ok? Gai: An exciting change is just what my youthful journey needs!! Kks: So yes?

Gai: I would love to share a home with you, Rival [kks giggling] What now?

Kks: Did I just make you succumb, Gai-kun? Gai: When can we have a match next, I need to consensually slap you in the head [kks laughs] Why did you say it like that? Kks: I’m sorry! Your pout looks so cute.... You are still moving in with me, right? That wasnt a joke.

Gai: I’m gonna let you sweat on that one awhile... [whimpers]

Kks: Love you so much, Gai

[gai snoring]

[gai snoring]

#KakaGai #gaikaka #Kakashi Hatake #Maito Gai #might guy #naruto #tsunade senju #shizune #//teeth

[mysterystarz]

stay around, won’t you?

pairing: timeskip!oikawa tooru x g!n reader

genre: hurt to comfort, fluffy ending, minor angst but it’s resolved no spoilers included

a/n: i write tooru when i don’t want to think anymore and this is absolutely not proofread

reblogs and opinions are appreciated <3

oikawa didn’t expect to find you awake.

after his long practice, he’d rushed home as soon as he could, craving your presence and the warmth of your embrace more than anything else in the world.

he’d expected to come home to dimmed lights, a certain sleepy stillness that he’d admired and find you in bed, arms ever so willing to accept him when he finally stepped into with you.

rather — he found you awake, music playing so you weren’t asleep and an expression that almost mirrored sadness.

that’s where he realized that there was something wrong.

“love?” he asked, his voice entering the apartment you shared a bit too lowly, “what’s wrong?”

you sat on the couch, half bothered he was able to tell how you felt with just a glance and half bothered that you felt this way at all.

but he loved you. he loved you like you were his sun, his brightness and his eternal meaning, and with that came the knowledge that there was no hiding anything from him.

“you….aren’t really around much.” you said simply, not letting your mind wrap around the meaning of those words.

it was quite the understatement. for the past weeks the two of you had merely lived in the same space, brushing past each other at the simple times that you managed to be at home. him going off to practice, and you heading off to work.

your fatigue claimed you near midnight, and he was always back past that, settling into your arms at the end of the day — simple hours that slipped by far too soon.

oikawa’s eyes widened with realization, and setting his bag down near the door, he made his way over to you.

“stay there,” you gulped, afraid your voice would waver if he came any closer, “i know this is only for the next few days, but it’s getting hard tooru. it’s hard to love you so much and not even get the time to talk to you like i normally do. or hug you. or just simply be with you.”

oikawa’s chest plummeted at the words.

“volleyball is your world,” you smiled up at him, “and i’m so proud of you for getting better every day, but i miss you. i barely see you anymore.”

he couldn’t find it in him to say anything.

“and…i…..i’m not sure if you need anything more on your plate.” you murmured.

he felt the implications behind those words immediately and gently wrapped you in an embrace. “you’re not a chore to me. you know that, right?”

his brown eyes met yours, genuine concern pooling within them. “i might have a million obligations, but loving you has never been one of them. you make me the happiest man alive.”

“i just don’t want us to fall apart tooru,” you exhaled shakily, “we’re both busy and—”

“i’ll make time for you,” he said intently. he traced your cheeks with his finger, “i’m all yours this weekend and we’ll make plans aside from that too.”

“you mean it?” you asked, looking up at him.

“course i do,” he mumbled, intertwining his fingers with yours. “no matter what it is, we’ll get through it together.”

“i’ll move my schedule around too,” you smiled, leaning into his chest. “cant be just you who’s all heroic you know.”

“mean,” he pouted, “i am total prince charming material.”

“not really,” you smiled, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, “but i don’t mind being your knight.”

the two of you stayed like that, tangled in each other’s warmth and bound by sweet promises. whatever it was, you’d get through it together.

and that was love.

©mysterystarz all rights reserved - please do not plagiarize, translate, or modify my fics even if credited

#nova scribbles <3 #oikawa x reader #oikawa x you #oikawa x y/n #oikawa fluff #oikawa angst #oikawa scenarios #oikawa headcanons #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x yn #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu angst #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu drabbles #oikawa drabble

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for refusing to do any more art commissions for my mom's friends?

Ok so I (19nb) am a digital artist. If I had to honestly rate my skills I would put them somewhere in the "good enough to get a few commissions but not professional level" range and I wanted to do it professionally.

Keyword being wanted but I'll get to that

Now my mother has been showing off my art pieces to her friends (no problem with this) and it got one of my mom's friends to ask her if I could draw make icons for the website of her upcoming business back in late April (basically one big icon for the main page and five smaller ones, so six in total, all fully rendered) and paid 200 dollars for all of it (which thinking back was extremely low for the amount of time and effort that I put into that if I was going by living wage effort and time)

So I did that, got the money, spent it all and was happy.

And now yesterday (july 6th) my mom said that she asked one of her other friends (who is also her boss) if I could draw her a new logo for her side business.

SHE DIDNT EVEN ASK ME IF I WANTED TO DO THAT! SHE JUST TOLD HER FRIEND THAT I WOULD DO IT!

Now I got a big commission (dont know how much money Im getting paid) dropped on me with no warning. And apparently my mom and her friend are coming with even MORE ideas for me to draw. (Mind you that commission would take at least a week to two weeks at the MINIMUM and now they're coming up with more)

But the thing is I dont want to to do digital art professionally anymore. I want it to stay as a hobby, something to do for fun and my own enjoyment. The reason why? A one year digital art course I did last year that burnt me out so unbelievably bad. I couldnt make ANY art for myself for an entire YEAR because I was constantly working on that stupid useless course (and I didnt even get the final drawing done and submitted before the one year deadline was up so that didnt help. And it was the one I was the most proud of too)

I am burned out and I want to make things for ME, things that absolutely cant go on a portfolio (extreme horror art, fan art, NSFW art, etc)

The amount of times in the past months I have talked myself out of drawing something that would make me happy because everything I make should be fit to go on a professional portfolio is extremely high.

I'm obviously gonna do the new commission and whatever else those two tell me to draw (but it better be more than 200 dollars, like at least 350 minimum) but I am so tired of this and I just wished my mom had asked me first before automatically telling her friend yes.

So would I be the asshole if I told her Im not doing any future commissions from her friends and that I want to just do art as a hobby and not as a career?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[mrghostrat]

Okay I cant -- I need to say it out loud.

I am 100% sure, at this point, you are my favourite artist so far. And I have to honestly thank you for a lot of stuff so let me get to the point before my anxiety takes me back --

I came across you less than a month ago. I don't remember if I saw your art before reading your fictions (Mon Horrible Cherì was my first) or the other way around, but both inspired me so much I can't describe it properly. Art itself is my absolute weak spot. In my past years I always struggled working on that, I was never happy with my results, and mostly had drawn to pay bills than for my own happyness. In the end I hated it at the point that every line I drew was a cut on my hand instead of a moment of joy. And that was horrendous.

But then I came across your art, at some point - and I was amazed. Your style is something I wished to achieve years ago, or very similar to that at least, so I was totally into looking for more, and more, and more. I can't produce art of that quality, but for the first time I wasn't envious of another artist's ability and talent, I was just... Amazed. I felt very happy, can't say why, but your style totally fascinated me. It still do. Anytime you post something new it gives me a shot of serotonine, it makes me feel happy and inspires me to get back on my Huion and draw something too. I started to push it through everyday, and in less than a month I grew a lot. You don't know that, but you pushed me into art with a passion I didn't had since I was 16, and I turned 30 couple months ago. Now it gives me joy everytime I draw. It doesn't matter if the art I produce is no good, or if I change my style everytime (I'm trying a lot of styles right now), the only thing that matter is the way I feel when I sit here and just let my inspiration go. And I feel happy. Happy to draw. Happy to experiment. Happy to share. Somehow I don't feel ashamed of my art anymore, and I was for a long time. I improved so much in these weeks. I watched carefully almost all of your timelapses (I am in love with all of them btw) and followed your tutorials more than once. Your examples, the way you work, is just inspirational for me. I've seen someone was thankful to you for the way you use references and says people out there to do it too: I want to thank you for that too. References was a taboo until last month for me, and I was SO wrong! Those helps so much!

So, well. I am not sure I wrote this all correctly, english is not my native language (I'm italian) and I may have done some mistakes, well, I do not care. I just hope I was able to express you my gratitude for all you did for me - I had to let you know how much this means to me everyday.

Oh also: I love every part of your art, but I could stare at your linearts for days and never get bored by that. And the way you color! Don't make me start on that. I could speak for hours. Not sure you'll want that, believe me.

So, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for making me believe in myself again. Thank you for giving me back my passion. Thank you for reminding me everyday I can draw for myself, for my own happyness. And thank you for making me happy.

You are a great artist.

Thank you! <3

i put off replying to this because i wanted to draw you something, but i just haven't had the energy after work and dont want u to think im ignoring you 😭

but i dont have WORDS. i'm so fucking proud of you. i'm so happy for you. browsing your blog and seeing the sheer amount of art and AUs you're making is so inspiring. your happiness is contagious and i hope you only continue to grow, and continue to foster all that joy for art.

thank you <3

#ask a rat #rat CRIES #everyone pls go look at fei's blog #this kills the bilv

[squeaksinc]

2023 creative year in review! 💦💦

The most stand-out thing to mention was this was arguably my most active and productive cosplay year...maybe ever? its incredibly uncommon that I can handmake 9 costumes in a year, but on top of that, 7 of the 9 were also custom designs, which is pretty wild.

costume-wise, i learned a stupid amount of skills and really pushed what i was comfortable with. IMO the best from the year are the collector, knives, pupet, and nekomancer at least just from a craftsmanship perspective. I try not to brag or be an ass, but I am genuinely very proud of those. they posed fun creative challenges that kept me engaged, and I'm happy with how they turned out!

the other side of the coin is although last year was my most dormant cosplay year, other crafts were super active....and the reverse happened this year _(:3」∠)_ i didnt really draw much at all other than making cosplay designs, and other physical media didnt get much time to shine either. I made some plushies, but they were lackluster, and I think I made maybe one unfinished figure lol. but I did try BJD making and loved it!! I made 4 this year and have plans to do more haha.

thats the upbeat overview, the readmore is going to be a more negative perspective so proceed with caution haha.

More than anything I wish i had more time to do art and build up Stitch in The Ditch/more OC work, but honestly this year was also objectively insane in the non-creative front. like i hit the worst patch of chronic pain i've ever had/found out my abdominals have been ripping themselves apart and bleeding for the past 10 years lol/had to go to the hospital like THREE!!!! goddamn times and now i'm dealing with the news i'm going to need abdominal surgery, got a teaching promotion/award, got my physics masters, utterly INSANE family happenings, had gastroparesis for 2 months and couldnt eat more than 200 cal a day in that time which caused all my blood levels to crash and i'm still reeling from it, and of course, have just been Cashually working goddamn 60-80 hours a week in an experimental physics lab in the background during all of this which is driving me to the point of madness- suffice to say i hit my limit like months ago lmao.

like looking back i know i should be happy and proud i did so much but i cant help but feel disappointed and wishing i had done better quality stuff. honestly, i know i goof about how hard work is, but its really really getting to me. i've always been happy with my ability to juggle so many things and preserve my ability to have a cool job, make cool things, and independently take care of myself, but work is month-by-month morphing into more of a monster thats just been suffocating everything else out. I really dont know what next year will look like, as i've been wearing thinner and thinner i'm noticing a trend where I just dont have the energy that I used to to do anything outside of my job.

I bring this up because on paper I should be happy with what I made, but I still feel like im in a stand-still. I made a lot of costumes, but tbh they were low quality/lackluster. like the number went up, but the quality didnt and I couldnt do much of any other art things. I couldve, and shoulve, been able to make much better work this year than I did, but it didnt happen as a combo of being snuffed out by my job physically and mentally.

in 2023 I got a head start/built up momentum from the beginning of the year that carried me through when things got insane in spring/summer/currently, but I'm already starting 2024 from a low point. yall. im so tired. im so goddamn tired. like its funny to goof about how much I do but its catching up fast and i think this is going to be the year when I just cant keep up anymore. Its hard to talk about since the "being crushed to death by your job" topic isnt one people want to engage with, and unless you're experiencing it first hand its hard to understand what living like that really means.

for 2024, i know theres no way I will be able to match this same number of costumes, but my goal is no matter what I want to start making things that are more solid on a construction level. fewer projects, more polish. also doing more non-cosplay stuff like world building and dolls would also be awesome. will that happen??? lord only knows. honestly usually these predictions/goals go haywire but this is also more of a response to external things outside of my control so ???? ??????? we'll see lads

[beesfairlyland]

hiii bee, it’s 👿 again!! thank you for clearing it up so well. and you’re right i understand self intellectually and to actually apply is confusing but i got it today. each time i got intrusive thoughts, felt like every little thing that this illusion is experiencing is real, doubts all that i asked myself who’s this “i” who’s trying to change? who’s trying to escape? it’s this illusion. but it’s so very limited that i can’t do anything. i’ve been so laid back, this illusion has a quite some problems maybe serious ones as well BUT I CANT TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY ANYMORE 😭💀. i just shrug my shoulders but at the same time a doubt comes up like oh why is this illusion i’m seeing so hard, i just want everything to be easier, effortless, not even lift a finger to get anything. LIKE YES I KNOW it’s the illusion’s desires and i understand since i’m awareness itself, i be aware of it -> i experience it.

also these days i don’t even think of the past like i actually don’t even remember anymore after knowing all that’s true is now. i don’t think of future at all as well 🧍🏻‍♀️ because all we have is now.

is identifying with character same as thinking like “oh i’ve to get up tmrw and do this/that.” but obviously it’s the illusion thinking yet sometimes i think if i’m aware of certain thing WHY did the opposite happen. and even when it did, i didn’t panic 💀 but my career depends on it then i’m like who’s career? this illusion’s 🧍🏻‍♀️. so not my problem, yet I CANT AT TIMES it’s just creeps up to me “why didn’t anything change?”

~👿 (can i just drop by in your inbox to input my thoughts and ask you things (not ND related))

Hii!! 👿💜

Omggg i am soo proud of you!!🫶🏻 You are literally doing soo great. And yes it's this simple just don't identify with anything except I AM. this ego can't grasp that anything can be this simple that's why it has to always doubt if it's doing everything right (guess there's nothing to do at all). Even when the ego feels like there's no 'progress'..... it's always there... every moment you are getting closer and closer to HOME. Just don't give a fuck about what this ego thinks or wanna do. It's problems ain't yours. Why would you worry about a illusionary characters problems right!

And yess thinking about what you'll be doing tomorrow...what work you gotta do it's all from the ego obviously. And uk what that do? It makes the dream same for tom coz you are expecting the same dream tom....so you are thinking about it's stuff. Try to be present in the NOW as much as possible. Sleep as if there's no past no future. Don't think about what you gotta do tom. Yeah these thoughts gonna come so what? Don't pay them any attention....by time(illusionary) it's gonna go away. It's just the ego thinking that nothing's changed. Would you care about it huh? NO. Let this ego think whatever it wants to.

And ofccc i would love to if you drop in ny asks anything you like!! You are always welcome here...ilyy🫶🏻💜

-Bee🧚🏻‍♀️✨

#non dualism #non duality #nonduality #nondualism #self realization #realisation #consciousness #ask #👿anon #self

[amiryllisthorn]

I kinda want to talk about this idiot for a bit. I obviously dont want to talk about Valkyra’s character toooooooooo much since a lot of what is up with her tm is a big part of the game’s narrative, but theres a bit of a different aspect I wanted to talk about.

Valkyra lisiri was a character that was really just an awfully written character. She was this too cool for school didnt need any friends hyper competent soldier who was actually written as a bit of a villain. One who would rather defend the status quo rather than actually try to change anything. It was edgy and over the top and just bleh.

So how did she become the main character in the game I am most focused on? Well what ended up happening is I had a lot of ideas for games at the time, and threw this one together as a bit of a throwaway project with these characters as that I didnt really care for anymore and the idea was to make something short and move on as a bit of a prequel to the thing I actually wanted to work on.

(this sprite is two years old now! but you can see that the general look is still similar)

Well that clearly didnt happen, because the more I worked on this short throw away project the more I thought about what I could actually do with these characters. What I could do to make this setting more mine and not just rip off of sci fi series I liked. And as I wrote more and more the more things changed and were altered  to the point where any of it is barely recognizable anymore-and I love that so MUCH! 

It was no longer a prelude for another game I was working on or this half assed setting but has become something that I am incredibly passionate about! I told my self that I would try to focus on smaller projects but I cant keep myself away from this thing and these characters.

(o7 mech game concept we hardly knew ye-the concept was being on the run as a mech mechanic for a mercenary company where the gameplay revolved around fixing mechs)

While work is going much slower than I would like, due to mostly personal reasons, I really am proud with how things are really starting to come together for this project. I didnt really start focusing actual attention on it till probably the past year or so.

I think part of why this project means so much to me, is that it has taken something from a part of my past self that I dont really like, and made it into I think something far more interesting, far more fun, more technically impressive, and just so much gayer. And these once throwaway characters of little regards, have really become the core focus of the project.

Valkyra  Lisiri went from this heartless action hero who could do anything, to a much more general person, struggling through life and trying her best, and often her best was not enough. Those actions of course having their own painful consequences, that shaped her into the character she now is.

Siane Vokir went from this really bitchy agent of the state to someone who at the drop of a hat gives up everything to fight fascism, someone who now has trouble dealing with her past and people in general, and just so many layers to her character.

The game has been so thoroughly ship of theseus’d that all that really remains of the first like year of work is just some characters  have the same name and maybe a similar appearance, and that is just a fascinating and exciting thing to work with!

(the very first concept drawn up for the game. You can also see the original design for siane)

Anyways this post has gotten a little bit all over the place, but I guess I wanted to share some of this project’s history. I dont talk about the actual details as much as I should whenever I post stuff, because I have a pretty hard time with a lot of this stuff sometimes! I wanted to make posts talking more about the setting and the characters but that kinda got uh forgotten.... well maybe I will get back to that at some point.

if you made it down this far thanks for reading! I really do want to talk about all of these things more, and have been working at it. Maybe ill try to do a weekly post talking about game stuff but no promises, my brain is bad so Ill just leave you with these two nerds.

#long post #project quiet rebirth #game dev #talkin about a lot of stuff #its a bit more rambly than I would like but this is mostly a post talking about my feelings and history of this #I have been really working on the script and sprites and am very happy with how things are looing #much so than any time before

[jadeittic]

Please, can you make a fake instagram with Alanis Guillen? harry x reader

if you like my work, you can visit my account and look at my stuff! :)

(i was blasting harrys house while doing this hehe)

harry styles x reader

fc: alanis guillen

harrystylesupdates

liked by ynfan68, ynxhazza, and 300,547 others

harrystylesupdates harrystyles posts a picture of yourinstagram, captioning 'Harry's House. May 20th." will she be in one of the song covers?

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ynloveshazza im gonna cry thats so sweet

harryfan8 imagine if she sings as the bg vocals i will literally SCREAM

ynfan78 IF SHE AND HARRY COLLABS IT WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

harryandyn just the thought of it is already making me excited SEJFSF

ynfan67 otp.

harryfan6 DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE

marvel

liked by ethanhawke, tchalamet, and 10,348,231 others

marvel Take a look at oscarisaac and ethanhawke at the finale episode of Moon Knight tonight.

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harrystyles My Marvel bestfriends.

ynxhaz MARVEL BESTFRIEND

yourinstagram what about me?

harryfan90 CRYING. THROWING UP.

yourinstagram one of my favorite episodes to film with oscar!

harryfan72 what i would do to switch places with ethan

tomholland2013 i was amazed by this show! the chemistry between the cast was amazinggg

harrystyles

liked by yourinstagram, lilyrosedepp, and 8,237,153 others

harrystyles My little freak.

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harryfan56 WOAH WOAH WOAH HARRY HOLD ON BROTHER

yourinstagram i told you not to post it with that caption!!!! theyll find out sooner than later

harrystyles Well, they currently have no clue.

ynlovesstyles WHAT???? WHATS WITH MY LITTLE FREAK

stylesl/n i wish i had the brains to work this out goddamn

ynfan7 LORD THE RELEASE IS LESS THAN 2 HOURS AWAY PLEASE

tchalamet MY FAV OTP

zendaya DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE

florencepugh can i be in a room with your girlfriend alone with 5 minutes please

yourinstagram

liked by harrystyles, gemmastyles, and 6,348,129 others

yourinstagram here lies the lyrics that never made it in the album. harry's house out now.

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harryfan12 stop its so sad that matilda is about y/n's past back at her home. im so sorry for you darling.

harrystyles Thank you for being my inspiration, love.

yourinstagram 'LOVE'. IN TEARS ILY ILY ILY

ynhearteyesforharry CINEMA??? HELLO YALL????

harryfan59 I DID NOT EXPECT LITTLE FREAK TO DE DEPRESSING ALRIGHT. I WAS READY TO FUCKING GROOVE MY ASS OFF

gemmastyles so proud of the both of you!!

ynfan66 THE BG VOCALS I KNEW YN WAS GONNA SING

ynstyles I CAN BREATHE IM SO HYPED

harrystyles

liked by zendaya, yourinstagram, and 5,791,936 others

harrystyles To my greatest muse, I'll love you until a fake flower dies. Harry's House out now.

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yourinstagram i am screaming. i cant even physically type anymore. i love you, h. more than you ever know.

ynfan87 BRO THEYRE LITERALLY THE BEST COUPLE OUT HERE NO DOUBT

harrylovesyn THE- THE- THE FAKE FLOWER QUOTE IM COLLAPSING WHEN CAN I EXPERIENCE THIS

annetwist I'm so happy for both of you!

tchalamet pls pick her up shes literally in tears

marvel

liked by yourinstagram, oscarisaac, and 10,237,219 others

marvel The Scarlet Scarab.

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ynfan87 SO HOT I LOVE HER MOMMY??????????? SORRY

harrystyles Goddess.

harryandyn HES EVERYWHERE WHEN ITS YN GETTING POSTED

harryfan82 SUPPORTIVE AND PROUD BF THINGS >>>>

shipname i love her so much shes literally the person i wanna be when i grow up

zendaya favorite character no regrets

oscarisaac im afraid i have to agree

#harry styles fake instagram #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fic #harry styles story #harry styles writing #harry styles au #harry styles one shot #harry styles fake ig #harry styles instagram blurb #harry styles blurb #harry styles x reader #harry styles social media #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles angst #harry styles headcanon #harry styles x you #harry styles instagram au #jadeittic

[wittyworm]

i feel like shit but honestly i needed that cry. that panic attack reminded me that i have come pretty far. and i am damn proud of myself.

its been a while since i let one get to me but im not letting them stop me anymore. i need to just get this work done and complete this mailing and these services.

i deserve respect from my employers because i work hard and i can provide a very useful service. i have returning clients because i am very efficient and i problem solve well. i enjoy fixing things and i am dedicated to my passion as a bike technician. i enjoy teaching clients how to fix their own bikes and how to maintain them so that they dont have to keep coming back and giving their money to dicks lol.

we dont make commission off of these services. its still hourly. and they abuse the hell out of their power w me.

they will not schedule me for any bike shifts for MONTHS at a time. and then leave me with everything to do in a single shift that the other bike techs just "couldnt get to"

i tell them

fucking constantly

that if they let me just be over here. i would get. shit. done.

i am only 1 of 2 bike techs. and i am always in footwear. and they expect me to do footwear. i basically do a leads job ATP. its one of the busiest and most SOCIAL departments. and they expect me to also manage bikes .um

girl?

maam?

i need to have a serious conversation with my bosses very soon i think.

i cant just quit because my health insurance is attached to them. but im thiiiiiis close for this and a lot of other reasons.

#just talking about life #and work #i need to just pull out my diary again #idk why im sharing this with yall