#i am struggling and im tired and i had a shit time at uni and i don't know how to live outside a structured environment | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

autistic-ace-bee · 2 years

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*storms into your room*

THAT IS IT! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ASSIGNMENTS GIVING ME A CRISIS AND MAKING ME REFECT ON MYSELF. *crosses arms and sits on the floor and glares at it*

*sniffles* *curls into a ball and cry*

bestie literally same that was me going through highschool. shit is so fucking frustrating im here with you bud.

im not doing any assignments right now bc i took a break from uni bc i literally had an anxiety attack my first day on campus just trying to walk into class so yeah buddy i feel you 100%

idk what specifically your struggle is with the assignments but ive had my fair share of meltdowns over them so ive come up with a few ways/guidelines for tackling hw which i hope might be helpful for you??? anyway

lists. so many lists. i make a list for the following:

1. To do list

This will include all the things i need to get done for the assessment, in order. for example, a to do list for a research essay would look like this

1. pick a topic

2. find articles

3. read articles and copy/paste relevant sections

4. decide on paragraph topics

5. organise article sections under relevant paragraphs

6. write paragraph 1

7. write paragraph 2

8. write paragraph 3

9. write conclusion

10. add referencing

11. proofread

2. Questions

I make a list of all the questions that come up while im trying to do the assignment, and write them down in a list so i can either email them all to the teacher or ask them in person. this includes questions like how to start the assignment, if i wrote my introduction correctly, where to find certain material, did i understand the task properly? where do i find the rubric? is this fact i want to include in my essay accurate? some of the questions you might be able to figure out the answer yourself, but this is a helpful way to stay focused on the assignment itself; if you have a question, add it to the list and come back to it later, that way it doesnt break your flow if youre already working on something

3. structure list.

if im writing an essay I'll make headings like intro/p1/p2/p3/conclusion and underneath each heading ill write exactly what i need to include in each paragraph, that way i know what i need to include while im looking through source material, and I can cross it off when im done. for example that might look like

intro (this is a mashup of different types of essays bc idk)

- "This topic is important for XYZ reason."

- introduce body paragraphs

- mention past research (at least 2)

- "the aim of this study is to...."

- "the novel [ ] by [ ] is a..... which explores the idea of.... in a time of XYZ"

- introduce the main themes of the novel

4. a criteria list

this basically just has all the criteria/rubric stuff so like

- size 12 times new roman font

- need a reference list

- 600 words

- minimum of 2 references

- due when?

this list helps you make sure youve met all the criteria before the final send off

5. homework list.

if you have multiple different assignments, you can order them by which one you need to do first/highest priority, that way you make the most of your time.

i literally even made this a list akskks

i am just now realising this was probably more about the crisis thing than the assignments thing aksklskd but anyway,,,, yeah i hope this helps you? its definitely saved me a meltdown or two and i hope its at least a little helpful? maybe? no worries if not but like it sucks that youre struggling o lemme know if theres anyway i can help! ill send you a funky little drawing of a cat or something :)

#friday <333 #lemme know if youd rather i privated this #long post

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ghostiewriter · 2 years

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I feel like for the past 1 and half year ive been going through a mental burnout. And there are times where it gets better i guess, but i always fall into the same toxic cycle of procrastination-trying to discipline myself to study for uni and then guilt and shame when im failing to discipline. I currently have 4 courses and im graduating and that should be enough motivation for me to study, but it's not? I always used to be an excellent student who got shit done, but now while im still a good

Pt2 student, i have to try to discipline myself, im much less productive than i used to be and i just feel tired of trying, even though i know i should.

god no bestie you do not even realise just how much i fucking relate to this, genuinely on a fucking spiritual level. before covid, i had really good fucking grades and i was on top of all my classes and everything. then in my 5th year (i think that's junior year?) i could feel myself struggling and burning out and then when covid hit, it just hit so hard?

and like i just lost so much motivation for everything, but especially in school. and the worst part is like you know you can do well in class and you can study and everything but actually doing it?? it feels like i am genuinely dragging my body around and it just...god it sucks so much. the guilt and shame is the worst part, especially when people around you start pointing it out and all of a sudden you feel like the biggest disappoint ever and it fucking sucks so much.

i wish i knew a way out of it (honestly i hope i find a way too because i am about to go back into education and i really dont want a repeat of my last year of high school) but bestie i am so here for you🤍we are in this shit together!!

#ask #anon confession time!#burnt out gifted kids unite🤡

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neurotichousewife · 2 years

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Do i quit my nursing degree?

I've already had a year out. About to start my first placement after coming back. And i had a full on breakdown and have ended up calling in sick because i couldnt convince myself to leave the house and go.

Ive worked in care for 9 years. Was a young carer before that. I worked as a paid student nurse at the begining of the pandemic and a carer in elderly care in the later stages. God i am so tired. Staffings getting worse and worse and I'm burnt out from my care job. And honestly the thought of essays and lectures makes me want to throw myself out the window.

I told myself get through the last year of uni.

Then your qualified and fine.

But ive spent my year out working in care. And i dont think i can do it any more.

There are different types of nursing.

But the thought of going back to placements i enjoyed makes me want to cry. And i didnt even realise that untill i wrote it down.

How would i cope if im qualified ?

If someone said hey tommorow your qualified working full time on this ward, would i take it ?

God i dont know. Honestly at this point probs not. Again the thought makes me want to cry .

I feel sad and disapointed in myself for not being strong enough.

For wasting the skills ive been taught. For 3 years of work. And the thing is, i was an ok student nurse. So isn't it kinda my duty to finish the degree and be a nurse ?

I used to be so excited about uni and nursing.

I nearly dropped out in my first year, but it drew me back in and i figured it would get better. And the next placement i found intresting and cool. But i still struggled though it. I still was incredibly stressed, tired and had panic attacks. I was intrested in the area it was in and it linked back to my last degree. But so do so many things.

And again. If i could work on that ward tommorow as a nurse ? No. I honestly just dont want to and i cant quiet explain why. It sounds childish. I dont want to. But it is what it is.

i have so many health problems. I kept collapsing. That's why i took a year out in the first place. I am alot better but i may still faint occasionally.

My mental health varies. But is heavily dependent on my enviroment. And honestly at work right now, my mental health is worryingly bad. I highly doubt its gonna magically get better. Particularly if i push myself to stay.

Its a long rant into the void. But its helped my brain vaguelly sort its shit out atleast

#nursing #nursing student #dropout #mental health #covid

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cal-cium-the-nerd · 3 years

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inbox very empty of drabble requests... me not happy :(

ok, now seriously, a couple updates:

i’ve decided to dedicate this blog exclusively (or well, maybe not exclusively but mainly at least) to writing from now on. I cleaned it up a bit too (went from 1300+ posts to 750~ posts) (i did not and don’t plan to delete any of my mol posts btw, even if they’re shitposts, so don’t fear for those)

i’ve been drafting a few reviews for that webfiction blog idea i posted about the other day. been getting pretty excited about it, but i want to have at least a few reviews down before i start posting. i have a format and a basic idea down of how i want it to work though, so there’s progress there

oh i also changed the theme of my blog (on pc) ...if anyone knows how i can change the code to fit more text per line pls let me know but at least this one looks less ugly than the old one :D

am planning to buy a notebook for uni related reasons, but since the plan would be to use it as a ‘work-only’ tool it might end up useful for writing purposes too (i came up with this after reading lots of adhd advice. basically the pc i currently use is too ‘contaminated’ in my eyes since i normally use it for fooling-around purposes and it’s really hard to concentrate on either uni or writing with it. the gamer keyboard doesn’t help. if i can train myself to view the notebook as a ‘work-only’ tool, like i did when i was at school and would use computers there, i might be able to focus better? maybe? ...let me hope)

anyway point is i intend to write as much as possible during february. and i want drabble requests.

not really a point but the way i jump from one thing to another in these points really make it obvious that i have some sort of neurodevelopmental disorder haha how and why did it take me 18 years to notice.

i’ll be reblogging a few more of those drabble requests challenges thingies but since i don’t want to spam anyone, i’ll put them on my queue.

[insert sentence to end this update post]

#i've been really struggling with adhd since the start of the pandemic #turns out i was fine studying in a classroom since i didn't have friends and had close to no distractions there #the moment i was asked to have virtual classes instead?#haha #did i basically fail everything and have to retake all those classes again this year?#hahaha #i'm betting everything on the notebook idea so it better work #no really its not cheap #not super expensive either cuz i only want to use it for. g docs word docs g classroom and maybe youtube #but its still almost all my savings!! :D so nice to see them go #anyway the next semester starts in april so i'll be trying to focus on writing until then #i've given up on this uni year i'll just wait for the next #at least uni is free in my country so i dont lose money by retaking classes #i only lose time #which is arguably more valuable #sorry i talk so much #im tired and this month was shit #my aunt died #i am not okay #i need a therapist #if only i could handle phonecalls #not writing

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sungchan-luvr · 3 years

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𝑹𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒏 - 𝑳𝒆𝒆 𝑯𝒂𝒆𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏

"'𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒏 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒔, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒖𝒏 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒔 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒌𝒚 ♡"

If it wasn't for the flickering light in the distance, I would have sworn that I had been attacked with a sudden rush of insomnia. My bed sheets were twisted around my body from my tossing and turning so often. All I really wanted was to get some rest. But with that light, it seemed almost impossible. I sighed. This was hopeless. I opened my eyes and saw the light once again flickering outside my window. The light was too distracting, making me unable to close my eyes and drift off to a dream-filled sleep. On, off, on, off. It was starting to get really annoying.

I turn towards my side table to look at my phone. The light of my phone slightly hurts my eye due to the sudden brightness. It was 2 am and I still couldn't sleep. While looking through my phone my stomach starts rumbling. "Ramen won't hurt right now" I thought to myself. I get out of bed, struggling cause of the blankets being wrapped around me. I throw on an oversized hoodie and walk out of my shared apartment. I was passed the flickering light silently cursing at it, hoping someone would fix it soon. I walk into the convenience store greeting the tired looking cashier, I grab a few chip packets for me and my roommate knowing that if i didn't get anything for her she would probably kill me. I walked to the ramen section, my favourite ramen caught my eye and there was only one left.

I was about to get the last pack of ramen when someone grabbed it at the same time. I didn't notice that there was another person in the store. I look beside me to see a boy with beautiful tan skin. He reminded me of the sun, golden and just beautiful. "Hey, I was going to take it...." I stuttered for some unknown reason. "I took it first" he said bluntly while walking away. I sigh, could this night get any worse. I walk up to the counter with just the packet of chips and a drink, I was about to leave the store when i heard someone call me. "Hey, you" said the same voice before but this time more friendly. "Im sorry bout how I acted before, you wanna share?". I was shocked by the sudden question, well was i going to say yes and eat my favourite ramen with a complete stranger who i didn't even know, or go back home wishing i could have had some ramen. "Uh..sure" i say hesitantly. "Its fine im not going to poison you, im good at making ramen." he said chuckling.

I sat down across from him, it was kinda awkward at first. "Are you new around here, i haven't seen u around before" he lied. "Uh...nah me and my friend have been living here for 5 months now" i replied. "Oh thats a bummer, i could have showed u around" he mumbled softly not loud enough for me to hear. "Sorry what was that" i asked. "Oh nothing.. I'm Dong-hyuck but my friends call me Haechan, Full sun or God of Visuals (I mean that aint wrong bahah)" he replied joking bout the last part. "Hahah, that's nice, Im y/n y/l , just y/n l/n".

"So why are u here eating ramen in the middle of night with a random stranger you dont know?", he questioned. "Well technically we aren't strangers anymore we are acquaintances", I replied back smartly as a joke. " Haha true,but really why, is everything okay?". "Yeh yeh its just im kinda stressed out lately, i recently just moved out with my friend, and we both are looking for part time jobs". "And not to mention that fucking light that wont stop blinking outside my window" I said answering his question. ".... haha whoops that might be my fault, me and my friends were walking down the street drunk on my birthday and I might have accidentally thrown something at the light" he replied laughing nervously. I gave him a death glare. "Jk im not mad, anyway what bout u"? " Oh well i usually sleep late, my sleep cycle (whatever u call it) is kinda messed up when I don't have any sched- i mean when i dont have Uni. Plus Doyoung was being annoying as usual, he refused to make me something to eat and we ran out of ramen, so here i am. "D-doyoung?" I repeated slightly confused . "Ohhh....one of my roommates". I nodded slowly listening to the rest of what he was saying. But that name started lingering in my head. I swear to god the name Doyoung and Haechan sound so familiar. But where have i heard it before?

We continued talking for a long time, laughing and getting to know each other. We had plenty of things in common, he was really chill and was pretty nice. Unlike what I first thought when we "first met". Our conversation about how annoying our roommates were got interrupted when i got plenty of texts from my roommate herself. "y/n where tf r u. I got up to get a glass of water and you were gone. It fucking 4 in the morning" it read. Holy shit 4am already, i look at the top of my phone to see 4:09 displayed. "Omg im sooo sorry i have to go, i didn't realise the time, you should go to, im soo sorry" i apologised once again. "Hey its fine, again my sleep scheduled is pretty messed up im used to sleeping at this time". "Im not really that tired, do u mind if i walk u home, I dont wanna head back just yet" he replied kinda nervous. "Oh sure" i said smiling. I was glad I had company walking back.

We laughed along the way back to my apartment. I scolded him for being too loud, afraid we might disturb the people around at this time. "Shhh" i laughed while playfully hitting him . We arrived at my apartment and as i was about to head in...."Well then I hope to see u around, and hopefully next time I don't have to break the light to get your attention" he said quickly while quickly running away. And entering the apartment diagonally across the street. That's when it clicked.

<<<<Flashback>>>

"Hey Haechan dude, look the girl you like just moved in across the street ", doyoung yelled loudly at Haechan as a joke trying to embarrass him. "Omg Doyoung you so fuckin annoying". "Im sorry bout him, he is joking, welcome to the neighbourhood btw" he yelled to me before pushing doyoung back inside. " Taeyong hyung Doyoung's being a little bitch again" haechan yelled inside the house. I just started laughing confused about what had just happened. Something inside told me that moving here was one of the best decisions of my life but i dont know.

<<< Reality>>>

I laughed to myself quietly realising that i was right about how i had felt that day.I walked into my apartment, welcomed by my VERY confused roommate."Hey" i simply said. "Dont HEY me, Yah where were u, i thought u got kidnapped or something..." she kept rambling on. I started walking into my room. "Bro are u even listening to me, whats gotten into u" she asked while shaking her head going into her room. I laid in bed hugging my pillow while smiling like an idiot. I can finally fall asleep now, cause maybe I could "run into him" the next day.

- 𝑾𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝒃𝒚 𝑮

#kpopimagines #nct127 #nctdreamimagines #nct127imagines #haechan #lee donghyuck #nct haechan #kpopfanfic #nct as boyfriends #nct x reader

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freckleslikestars · 4 years

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My anxiety is having a field day today.

I don’t know if I can afford the petrol to drive me to Uni until I get my student finance, which won’t happen until at least a week into the semester.

I can’t afford my parking permit until I get my student finance.

Student finance, without even waiting for my dad’s paperwork on his tax and his income and shit, (and essentially the fact that we have no income and I’m living in a fucking tent) decided to give me the minimum available student finance. Which is something like £4000 less than I am entitled to. When I went to appeal it, they said I couldn’t. For a decision that usually takes 4-6 weeks, it took them less than two days after I submitted the application itself, and processed it all on the long weekend, which meant that my dad couldn’t get his tax details from the accountant. This has really, truly kicked my anxiety off because I don’t actually know how I am going to afford to live this year.

I will, for at least the first week of the semester still be living in my tent (we might be able to actually move into a house after that though - might being the key word here)

Which means that I will be living in a tent, with only a freezing hosepipe for a shower, leaving early in the morning and coming back late in the evening, whilst doing a dance degree, in which I will get very sweaty. I also don’t have regular access to a washing machine. Or particularly many clothes. I’m living in a tent after all.

Over half of my classes are online. I’m autistic. I potentially have ADHD. I cannot do online classes. I really can’t. They stress me out. I cannot focus in them. My auditory processing sucks in online classes because I can’t process half of what is being said. One of my lecturers holds the classes over IM chats. My dyslexia means I really struggle to read and follow IM chats. Also. I’m living in a fucking tent. Guess what my tent doesn’t have? WiFi. I have some mobile data. With very poor signal. One of my online classes starts at 9 in the morning and ends at 10. I then have an in-person class at 10:15. It takes me an hour to an hour and a half to commute into uni. The maths there just doesn’t work.

When I was staying in emergency accommodation there, they had shut off all the car parks but the small guest one, which they don’t normally do over summer and has me really panicking that they’re not going to be open. Which means that even if I can afford to park there, I can’t actually park there.

I’m really dreading getting my period whilst living in my tent because, you know, no proper shower. And I think my tampons and pads are in my car, which my dad has at the moment. And I’m really worried I’ll forget to get them out of my car, or I won’t see him again to get them out of my car before my period starts. And then I’m worried that my period will be early, because it always is when I don’t want it to be.

And I’m worried that when we do get the house we’ll only be in it for, like, a month before we can’t afford to be in it any more because my parent’s court case goes on longer than expected and then I’m worried my mum will take all the money and we’ll be homeless again and I’m just so, so tired of it all.

And I’m worried about the second wave of Covid hitting in a couple of weeks because we’ve sent all the kids back to school and all the students back to university and people have kind of stopped acting like there’s a global pandemic still going on, which there is, and the government really isn’t treating this as seriously as they should be and nobody is treating it as seriously as they should be.

And I’m really scared to go back to work teaching dance to kids because. Well. Covid. And I just. I can’t afford to take time off from teaching and my boss is a bitch and will expect me to go in and teach, despite the fact that she hasn’t got an adequate safety plan but I can’t really afford to get sick either and I just...I don’t know what to do and I’m so tired of thinking.

I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of the uncertainty of it all.

#sorry for the rant #don't bother reading this #i just needed to get it out somewher

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thedankfaerie · 4 years

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i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.

and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’.

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point.

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.

someone please help me.

#help #lol

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seungmines · 5 years

Text

tutor au | dance instructor minho

lee minho was the fuckboy of your university

and everybody knew that!!!

except for you (u just thought he was hot <3___<3)

so when you decided you wanted to switch your major to dancing

your best friend woojin was like

“NO!! Y/N WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER-?”

and u were like ?? i love to dance ?? let me dance william ??

since you were a first year, you had no idea about any of the students at ur uni or ANYTHING

so you’re all excited the day before your first class and even more excited that a student usually led the class

since teachers gave you big anxiety and it’d probably be easier talking to a Fellow Peer.

u were wrong.

the next day, u were getting ready for class and as usual, woojin stopped by ur dorm with coffee like the perfect angel he is but he was in a Very sour mood that morning

“wake up on the wrong side of the bed, princess?”

“SH- SHUT UP!!! i’m nervous for you today :(“

and ur heart is like :( aw william its ok :( but ur brain was like

“what’s the big idea with this class anyway? why are u so stressed out??”

“minho is the student teacher”

“ok”

“OK!!! SO BE CAREFUL”

and ur like: i’m More than capable of taking care of myself <3 minho ain’t shit

yeah No

when you walked into that class On That Fateful Day.

minho’s eyes were the first ones on you and Boy were you flustered when he smiled at you

and

OH GOD HE’S WALKING TOWARDS U

good luck homie ur gonna need it.

you were so zoned out that when he was like “hey!!!” you didn’t hear him

so like any normal human being, minho yelled a Nice Loud “YAH!” which caught the attention of the whole class including yourself

all the girls were like >:( no Lee Know look at ME!! >:( but he was like

“are you y/n switched majors, right? hope you can keep up.”

minho then moves in front of the class and starts the warm ups

and u were like ??? I DONT KNOW ANY OF THESE ???

so u start stretching the way you normally did at home before you’d dance

which earned you some dirty looks but you didn’t understand Why

to make a long and tiring story short, your first class kicked your ass.

so when you were headed towards the door, you were stopped by None Other Than Lee Minho

“saw you struggling today.”

“yeah, i didn’t know you’d be right in the middle of learning a dance.. i feel so dumb switching majors because criminology was so much easier and i-”

“why don’t you come to the studio tomorrow night? i can help you learn if you want.”

and he was so confident you were going to say yes

because he’s lee minho and nobody really rejects him

but you heard woojins Annoying Ass in the back of your head

so you kindly said no and instead asked for a video of the dance for reference so you could practice later

which he gave you but not without bothering you

“are you sure you don’t want my help tomorrow night?”

“it’s easier with help from a real person, you know.”

“what, you don’t like me?”

you had to admit that saying no to him was Really hard because he was so captivating but you also knew that woojin would have an actual heart attack over you spending time with lee minho at Night.

so when u got home to ur small dorm and made urself some nice cheap chicken flavored ramen, there was BANGING ON UR DOOR and ur like O____O WHO THE FUKC

but don’t worry it’s just woojin <3

but woojin brought his friend w him and was like “hey <3 we were in the neighborhood.”

and u were like Woojin U Live Two Doors Down From Me but his friend was lowkey cute so u just shut up rlly quick ok.

woojin was like >:D this is my friend, CHRIS.

chris was really sweet to u and stuff and woojin was like nudging him the whole time they were over which made u suspicious but you’d bring it up to him later

“so how was your first day of class?”

“GOD SO. i zoned out when i first walked in, you know like how i always zone out, and Lee Minho Walked Up To Me and yelled and got my attention and all the girls in that class were so judgy, woojin i wanted to DIE. and then!!!! after class fucking minho walks up to me and asks if i want to practice with him tomorrow night-”

and woojin cut u off right there and threw himself at ur feet

“PLEASE TELL ME U SAID NO”

“i did.. why?”

chris who was watching you vent about minho in amazement was like

“that’s how he gets you, most girls never actually Practice with him.”

and the dots connected in your head and you were like WOW ARE U KIDDING

you felt really gross after that

why were men so GROSS

“men disgust me… no offense.. or Full Offense if you pick up girls like that..”

chris was like “if it was ME-”

and woojin was like “ME AND CHRIS HAVE TO GO NOW BYE Y/N” and fucking left while chris was mid sentence

so you cleaned up your Tiny dorm and practiced stretching like how they did in the class that day and then watched the video minho gave you to reference which OF COURSE was a video of him dancing

and boy were you fascinated with how good he was

but you got a lot of the dance down that night.

after ur shower u got into ur bed and chris followed u on instagram and u were like

wait.

waaaaaaait.

so ur thumbs went to work texting woojin like “what the fuck”

“did u like chris :D”

“am i that single that u have to set me up with your friends?”

“no.. maybe… he LIKES u…”

“whatever.”

so then you text chris who opens your message immediately and is like

“there’s a party at my frat tomorrow night <3 wanna be my date”

and ur like Not really. but u reply with “sure!!” and ok

wow so u got a date

but u know whos a frat boy?

Lee Know.

but u didnt know that

the next day you didn’t have a lot of work to do so you just!! practiced some more and chilled out until you had to get ready for the ~party~ and it was your first!! university party!! so you went ALL OUT and you looked like a FREAKIN SNACK

and chris was late picking you up but you told him it was okay

and things were fine

but woojin wasn’t there and he was always there whenever you were drinking

like your own lookout and that made you a little hesitant to drink at first but chris Insisted and you gave in

turns out minho was watching the whole scene

yeah okay he had a girl on his arm

but thats another story

it turns out that chris wasn’t as sweet as you thought he was

this became news to minho when his date uttered something like “another day, another helpless girl- that poor thing.”

and minho was like HUH?!!?!?!

and she explained how chris would get girls drunk and take advantage of them

minho didn’t like that

one.

bit.

you were on the verge of being completely wasted when chris asked if he could take you home which you said yes to immediately because you didn’t want to embarrass yourself while being drunk

but as you were being led out of the frat house, minho was leaning against the frame of the entrance

!!!!! wtf RENO?!?!

chris was like -____- what do u want

nd minho was like ? duh im taking y/n home?

u nd chris were like: BITCH- NO.

you don’t remember exactly what happened but the boys exchanged words and before you knew it, you seen chris being tackled to the ground and minho was goin AT IT BRO

and you were like wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

seeing the fight made you sober up a bit and honestly to be honest, minho was losing

w his stupid ass

chris got tired of beating his ASS and stood up, nodded at you and made a gross remark about you before walking away

and minho tried to get up and fight him again but he was WHOOPED

so you let him take you home

and cleaned up his face and knuckles

and made up the couch for him because he was exhausted and you figured he deserved to rest here since he DID stand up for you and save you from god knows what chris was going to do

but he was still minho the fuckboy

and woojin, barging into your dorm at the crack ass of dawn, was VERY unhappy to see mr Lee Know.

“hey y/n i brought coffee- WHAT THE FUCK.”

“morning, princess.”

and u forgot minho was on ur couch until u looked at him sleeping peacefully- nd he looked like a FUCKING ANGEL!!!

you then explained the situation that happened last night and woojin was like “it really be ur own people.”

no but woojin was really upset bc he adored u and didn’t want anything bad to happen to u

and blamed himself for not going to the party w you

your lil moment was interrupted when minho Rose and his shirt? gone!

so there he STOOD in just his sweatpants and man did he look like a SNACK

“am i interrupting something?”

“NO!” u said

“YES!” woojin said

minho jus smirked at u and put his shirt on, meeting ur eyes as u stared

but CAN I BLAME U? NO, HES A SNAKC!!!

anyway minho thanked u for letting you crash there and said he would see u later for class

BECAUSE OYU HAD CLASS!!! WITH MINHO AGAIN TODAY

woojin was like “-____- maybe i should come to class w you”

and u were like “william baby girl,,.. No”

woojin still doesn’t know why you call him william

you drank coffee and spilled tea w your bff as usual

and then it was time to get ready for class

nd woojin chilled on ur bed while u went and showered

in the shower you couldn’t stop thinking ab minho!!!

his stupid pretty eyes nd his stupid pretty EVERYTHING!!

you zoned out and woojin had to yELL to bring u back to earth

anyway you got ready and put a lil bit of effort into ur look! bc u were gonna see minho.. its really gross of u but thats FINE

imagine being a het :/

so class was torture like not as bad as before but it was like minho made things way harder jus to piss you off

after class, he didn’t approach you and you wanted to thank him for the previous night.. you know, sober.

so you walked up to him and he looked a Lil flustered but quickly covered it up and let a look of amusement spread across his features

“miss me already?”

“i just wanted to thank you for last night.. i still don’t know how to like.. show my appreciation!!”

minho was looking at u and u looked like an angel to him and he HATED it.

he had a class full of girls who were basically in Love with him but he was drawn to you only and it made him MAD!!!

“it’s whatever~ don’t worry about it.”

and u were like bet! bye!

and turned around and started to walk away

“wait!”

you spun around and he was Right there

“let me buy you food at least… i seen the lack of it in your dorm.”

the lights in the dance studio were dim and the only light that was coming in through the windows was the dulled brightness of the sun setting

all of the lights and colors hit your face perfectly

what a perfect opportunity, you know?

minho leaned in and before you knew it, you were leaning in too.

it was like you were both sent into a frenzy when your lips met each other

but nothing went too far because when minho tried to reach up your shirt

woojin barged into the studio and was like >:(!!!!!

but the three of u laughed it off nd yea!

btw woojin is so gay, but every1 thinks ur the love of his life

and u ARE!!

platonically

but romantically? woojin has a bf

and now so do u!!

nd yea everyone was doubtful bc it was Minho.. the FUCKBOY OF UR UNI

but you made him big happy!!! and he helped you dance

and fed you whenever you were hungry

and rarely ever slept at the frat house since he was always in your bed

every single night

clinging to u

its so CUTE!!

im happy for u <3

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transrightsjimin · 3 years

Text

more ranting. idk im procrastinating

at this point im not even rly looking forward to finally getting gender conversation w/e appointments in uhhh probably early 2021 if im lucky, like ive been on the waiting list for a couple of years nd would initially have my turn in late 2019 but it got delayed nd then even more bc pandemic. but i cant afford shit rn and i’m just rly not looking forward to travel expenses that itll take to go to the gender hospital thingy. like god i NEED a new stupid fucking job nd the municipality person tried to reassure me by saying they’ll prob be able to find a contact person for me before christmas as if that’s not laughably(?) late.

like my friend / housemate who also requested welfare did that through the “adult” (27 and up for some reason) department nd immediately got help offered for finding a job while i requested welfare AND help w finding a job many MONTHS ago through the youth department of the municipality and i still have nothing set up. this other institution outside the municipality was also supposed to help me nd send me an email w a list of companies they can connect ppl to for work but i got nothing. im so fucking tired lmfao

like at this point i just need a job just to get a vacation. even if i get super depressed whenever i do have a vacation bc i have no more required places to be nor structure nd lie in bed tired all day, which is basically already how im living now WITH a job but it doesn’t have set hours nor is my income enough to pay all bills. but god just imagine an actual vacation though?? like i had two vacation periods per year when i studied in uni, but bc of shit like homework / research projects in the previous winter vacation, having a delayed master thesis project last summer nd having to try to finish it despite being demotivated nd not being able to study at a ventilated place at school for several months, then the summer of 2019 it also took long before i knew whether i graduated or not nd just worked a bunch of days extra, then the winter of 2018-2019 before that i tried to balance 6 courses at 2 different unis plus a super delayed internship report to work on, nd the summer of 2018 i had to work on said internship in the summer which was a struggle bc i had no schedule for that nd it was hell to try to keep focus.

plus throughout all of those ‘vacations‘ from school (even if there was still homework / internship / learning for exams / research etc) i still had to work on the saturdays nd usually i do work extra throughout the week in holiday periods. like on the one hand i admittedly don’t do a lot of shit nd avoid homework nd planing nd structure nd am a complete chaotic mess, but on the other hand it is quite frustrating how there is still this continuous stress tht something needs to be done soon nd knowing that, nd knowing how much i avoid doing stuff in time as long as there’s no immediate time pressure, i just never get to rest. like holy siht what if i one day have some shitty fucking job that im somehow at least able to HANDLE physically and mentally and also counts nd pays for all actually worked hours so that it could actually mayhaps cover bills and food and possibly leave a bit of extra money.

#rambles

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emoka-thruth · 3 years

Text

when we’ll anyone take me seriously?

since adults insist on the world being so serious, why is it that we dont take mental illness seriously? wy is it that for the first time in my 20 yeras of life tonight i’ve heard my dad, my cool ‘enlightened’ dad, tell me ‘your generation is just looking for every opportunity to get out of work.

My dad lost a daughter from a previous marriage to suicide(it was ruled an accident though). and still, he still doesn’t get that just because he grew up in communism and saw the tanks in the hungarien revolution of ‘56... it doesn’t mean that this generations struggles arent just as real, especially in what most would consider eastern europe.

A thought that just got formed in to words in this night of corona and wine-o stuppor this: Do i really completely have to lose my shit before you take me seriously?

For i good few years i was so greatful to be this priviledged and have all this financial support and a rrof over my head, food on the tabel, that i was even reluctant to express if a dress my mom though was cute i thought unbearable. After a while I was done being greatful with the help of a proffesional, but even then i was exhausted to have to fight over every single small, insignificant, decisoon i made or whenever i disagreed about their choice for me. To this they i hate conflict im a sun and moon leo who hates conflict.. how much do you have to push a person who was once strong, confident, difient, nd proud to be exhausted from the smallest things?

I am actually very thankful for and cherish my parents for the most part. It’s just that i got forced into yet another decision by them, uni, because i was to tired to stand up for my self. we’ve been sweeping my mental health problems under the rug for years, about 6, at this point.

i just want my problems to have a name so that i know what to do with it you know?

I’m going to a psychiatrist now, which is a huge step, but she only ever mentioned me having depression and possibly going on meds. i agree i certainly have traits of depression, but i’ve always had a hesitation to go on meds, not sure what im gonna do about that yet. But she hasn’t said a word about what i actually went to see her for, ADHD/ADD, since the first session. she’s a wonderful person, one of the most experienced in the country, i can’t do better than her and that honestly starts to scare me, I also misseda session with her because my mental state is once again declining, irragular sleeping patterns, late awakening, forgetfulness, motivationlessness, anxiety to the brim... you know just the usual.

Anyway this felt good to think through, i already wrote an unposted very detailed symptom story from childhood with 960 words,,,, so thanks for reading i guess

FEEL FREE TO REPOST, ADD TO IT<3

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perdizzion · 7 years

Note

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations.

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride.

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!

#THIS GOT SO LONG OMG LKSDJFSD IM SO SORRY #I GOT CARRIED AWAY #i just....really wanted to explain everything as descriptive as possible #so i could help at least a little bit #aAAA #anonymous #answers

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monsterloveday · 7 years

Text

When you completely lose yourself by trying to find yourself

Hello to the two of you that read my blogs. ;P So today my mind was its usual whirlwind of chaos - dwelling, fretting, over analysing, predicting and its panicked self (my brain is a DICK).

I started the day waking up and just thinking... “I think I hate my life” - that I was so unfulfilled, tired, bored and depressed with my daily routine. Which then lead me to think “Will anything EVER fulfil me or be enough?” or will I always be a little bit depressed?. Those days where you completely evaluate your whole existence, that it seems everyone has their shit together (getting those dream jobs, those dream partners, travelling the world etc) yet you still don't know what the fuck to do with your life and have about £50 in your savings?. And no matter what option you consider to try and better your life, you worry that theres a chance it will go completely wrong or that maybe it isn't the right decision and your actually going about life the totally wrong way?. *Im crap at life alert!* You so badly want things to get better so you go over and over in your head with what route to endure first, but worry that going down one path neglects the others and then your brain just becomes this massive pile of tangled up spaghetti thoughts by trying to sort out everything before they've even begun, and this results you to just freeze due to the overload which then accomplishes nothing and so around you go from the beginning in the endless, powerful, relentless storm of ‘trying to predict the future’ stress. Or is that just me... =/ It feels like I personally try to search for happiness but have no idea what form it comes in, so I make this list in my head and tell myself to try each one of them in hope to ‘find my happy’, but have no idea which area to try first... What is being happy anyway?. This list then becomes over bearing and dominates my thoughts daily. And then theres the other smaller attempts to ‘find your happy’... “Maybe eating my body weight in crap will make me happy?, maybe having loads of random sex, maybe having no sex at all?, maybe If I go on Facebook 24/ 7?, maybe this?, maybe that”? and nothing ever aids it!. Its like a plant that always needs to be watered, yet its always thirsty. Now obviously, having options is a good thing, but sometimes it feels like the more options you have, the more complex things become. There are so many wonderful opportunities as well as pressure to get the most from life that it almost feels as if we are failing ourselves if we do not accomplish each and every one of them, its like your just sat down watching TV and then the thought... “WAIT! IM NOT CONQUERING THE WORLD! MUST NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO WATCH TV OR EVER SIT STILL! - TOO MANY THINGS TO DO” so where the hell do you start?. And more options means more money is needed. The more money needed the more time to save up is needed. *inner thoughts* - But your in your thirties now and you don't have enough time! you still don't have a car or a this or a that bla bla bla unhelpful twatty thoughts* Money seems to be the problem yet the solution at the same time. So much confusion. I was completely consumed by these kinds of thoughts after I graduated (the good old end of uni crisis!). I left uni on a tearful high - I had just experienced the most powerful, beneficial and educational experience of my whole life and it felt incredible. I had met some people that will remain in my heart for the rest of my life, I had been daring, scared, proud and turned into best version of me. Knowing I had to end this chapter, a chapter that would be extremely hard to beat was the hardest, scariest and saddest thing. I was ending the best part of my life to move onto.... an empty door way. I also had a lot of emotional issues that came with the end of uni that made it harder for me to go back to that kind of life. My dad was terminally ill and returning home meant I (selfishly) had to face seeing my dad deteriorate in front of my eyes daily. I could no longer live in denial or be distracted by the boys, sex, friends and fun I was having.

I also had huge issues with my hometown. My hometown is a place where nothing ever happens, there is lack of culture, opportunity and openness, I generally felt the true me had the be kept under wraps when there. Lets say, the black sheep of the whole town?. Uni had turned me into a butterfly, returning home meant I would go back into my cocoon. Cocooned I did. And cocooned I still am. But... This isn't just me. I text my nearest and dearest with these thoughts today and each and every one of them (that bothered to reply =p) had basically said they had or are currently feeling like this. It is not more common in one sex over the other, nor do I believe it to be a thing of age. These feelings, this uncertainness, this dark place to be, is among us all at some point. Its ok and its normal to be completely lost. And we are together in this. I keep telling myself that not everyone has their shit together, regardless of what Social media may say. Not everything is as it seems. Not everyone who is married is happy, not everyone working in my dream job thinks its as great as I imagine?. No one is ALWAYS happy and you are not ALWAYS miserable Jay! (even though you are such an exhausting person to be hahah!). Maybe having constant fits about what to do with your life will make you try something, anything, and maybe from trying, something will eventually happen? (even if it means fucking up several times before finding your feet?). I hope one day I can look back and say ‘It somehow worked out’, I hope one day I fall in love so hard and meet a man that is everything and more (and that my friends can say - ah you got your lumberjack ;P). I hope one day I see the most wondrous things of the world and cry at the sight of it, I hope I can say I did everything I was ever scared of and it gave me an armour that is not to be messed with. That I went out and made my life filled with adventures, fear, accomplishment and bravery, even though I shat myself all the time, I faced up to it and I achieved - with all the struggles that came with it. That the struggles created the success. I don't really have the answer for it as Im still in it myself, but lets keep shitting ourselves, keep guessing, keep being confused as its the rockets up our asses. And most importantly - One. Thing. At. A. Time. What is lost must be found, well I hope so anyway. To the people that keep wanting more - So much love to you. Be back soon. Jay Monster.

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jo-sleepycrow · 5 years

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me feeling sad and frustrated about something that happened today under the cut, because i need to vent:

so today i went to a thyroid doctor because i need to make a couple of exams to know if i have a problem like my big sis has.

i was a bit nervous because i didn’t know what to expect (and i am an anxious person overall) but i was fine with it mostly. the thing is that my mum decided that she wanted to come inside with me to my consultation, i am twenty btw, even after i told her she didn’t have to. i was a bit fine with it, besides the fact that i was old enough to go on my own and didn’t want to be the adult that still goes to the doctor with a parent, but at least it wasn’t my father the one to go with me.(we are mad at each other right now tbh)

ok so inside the doctors room, she began to ask all sorts of questions about my health and stuff and i thought it was kind of alright (im very awkward but its custom stuff to ask) when she suddenly asked if i was feeling tired lately and i remembered that one of the usual symptoms of a thyroid problem is depression. the thing is that i have had depression since i was 12, at least, (and before that i always was a bit of a sad kid, i think, having no friends really hurt me deep) and my parents always had weird mixed feelings about me and my mental health, always saying that they would do something to help and never end up doing shit, so imagine me, wanting to tell the doctor i have self-diagnosed depression and anxiety but feeling trapped by the presence of my own mother and their (my parents) dismissive attitude towards it. i wanted, and want so bad right now, to cry my eyes out with the need to say that out loud. i ended just saying that i am tired all of the time, which she dismissed by saying that uni is tiring and bla bla bla.

the fact that i never had anyone clinically diagnosing me with depression, plus the never ending dismissal of my parents, made me question my own certainties and ignore my own feelings enough to not mention an important fact about my health.

i just want to cry so badly. it really hurts me to keep this thing inside when it’s something that affects me on a daily basis. it hurts that i can’t talk about this openly to my parents when i struggle every day to get out of bed, because they make promises they will never keep. because they don’t understand that most times i need silence and space to cope with this thing and all they do is yell until i do something or show up in the living room where they will ignore me.

i only had one psychologist in my life, i met him for one hour every week since i was 12/13 for like two or three years and at the time i hadn’t realised how much i hate going, how he didn’t care and just spent the whole hour on his ipad playing games and asking me stupid questions. i didn’t trust him and in consequence i never opened up much when he asked how i was feeling or what had happened to me. to him i was just another kid who had gone through a bad time and thanks to that he could laze around all day at work and gain money without thinking shit. i don’t want that to happen again.

i have been thinking about applying to my university's therapists for awhile now. at first when i mentioned that to my parents they said not, that they wouldn’t be good enough, and that they would find someone better for me (yeah right that didn’t happen either, thanks a lot), but a friend of mine went there and she got better! but every time i think of applying, intrusive thoughts get in my head and i keep thinking that i don’t need, that i am faking or that it isn’t worrying enough, because, ya know, i haven’t tried to hurt myself yet right?! because thinking i it would be better to not exist isn’t an actual suicide attempt... right? for fucks sake, i had a fucking awful breakdown because of some shoes at the end of 2018 that made me want to die, really want to die. i think it was the very first time that i actually wanted to die and didn’t feel much remorse for it. my parents couldn’t understand want i was feeling and only made things worse. like usual. my dad, who is someone that i am sure went through depression at some point in his life, just yelled at me and hurt me and said some really nasty things that will hurt me forever. when someone who was supposed to be always there for me only knows how to scream and threaten when someone is at their lowest point it makes someone really wonder if they are enough, if they are worth to keep living. my relationship with my father never recovered after that time. not that it was the best before, because a person isn’t mean and mad and threatening only once. it’s a non stopping pattern that for as much as they try to make up for it, it will never be enough. fuck that got more deep than i was expecting, but the thing is that i am really thinking about applying for a uni therapist for my last year, as it is free and whatever (oh yeah that’s another problem in my life, my parents live a shitty teacher life and bla bla bla we don’t have much money right now, another thing that always weighed me down mentally, yey!)

in conclusion: i don’t want my mum to go with me again but i am sure that she will want to so there will i be sad and anxious and quiet about my mental health and will do nothing about it! fuck me, right?! who cares?! not me, it seems.

#depression tw #suicide tw #suicidal thoughts tw #anxiety tw #self hate tw #intrusive thoughts tw #sad #about me #i hate my life #i hate my father #daddy issues it seems #sorry #as i am writing these tags my dad is being a dickhead once more to my mum #fuck life #sad me

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