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heartlilith · 5 months

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Difficult Placements in the Natal Chart

*Difficult: defined as "not easy; needing effort or skill to do or to understand"

I'm going to be discussing what placements I believe are more difficult to have in a natal chart. I just want to emphasize that this is my opinion (Tamra Judge voice) . Let's remember that all placements have their pros and cons, you are not defined by a few unfavorable placements. Of course, aspects and orbs matter... Chiron with 3 squares to your personal planets will be more difficult to handle than if you had Chiron trine Sun and Venus, for example.

One last thing: Difficult placements can be the ones with the most value. They teach you things, make you stronger, and they can make you an inspiration to people dealing with similar situations. Difficult placements have their positives too, which we will discuss.

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Sun conjunct Chiron: These natives go through a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. They go through many trials and have to learn how to heal again and again. I feel like the universe puts them through a lot so that one day they can help others, which is nice but damn. This aspect can easily make someone slip into addiction, depression, and bitterness if the energy isn't channeled correctly. These people are prone to psychic attacks that lead to chronic illness, specifically migraines.

Positives: Can become a healer, can help other people through their problems, can become an inspiration, selfless character.

Sun square/opposite Neptune: These natives struggle when it comes to their fragile ego. They are deeply sensitive and feel things intensely. They absorb energies meaning if they're around negative people, they themselves will become negative as well. It's so important for these people to be surrounded by positive and successful individuals. Sun square/opposite Neptune is also easily manipulated and taken advantage of since they tend to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Throughout life, this placement can make an individual feel unworthy and inferior which can lead to a victim mentality that's hard to break. Watch out for escapist behavior because these people are prone to addiction.

Positives: These people are very psychic and should work on their spiritual abilities. Becoming religious or spiritual can be very beneficial for them. They have the most impressive imagination and are super creative.

Capricorn Moon: I've noticed that people with Capricorn as their moon sign have difficulties with being vulnerable and asking for help. They are the people that hold their family and friends together - they are the strong one. Oftentimes, they become responsible too early in life, which probably cut their childhood short if they had one at all. Their sense of responsibility is their strength but its also a weakness; they don't want to be thought of as "weak" or "needy" so they hold their feelings in. Like Pisces, when their emotions come on strong they need an escape, Capricorns rely on work and their sense of duty. They are prone to becoming workaholics and will ignore painful situations by working all the time.

Positives: Likely to become successful career-wise, very driven and ambitious, people trust them, they make great friends because you can rely on these people.

Aquarius Moon: Similar to Capricorn, Aquarius Moons struggle with their emotions and how to express them. Their emotions might not even be felt in some cases. They look at things intellectually and in a detached way; they think "Should I be sad about this?" or "Am I supposed to be angry?". Growing up, they probably didn't have someone that they could emotionally confide in or even worse, they could've been punished for showing their emotions. I've noticed a lot of Aquarius Moons have a detached sense of family, they could've been adopted or they just feel "different", they could even look at themselves as the black sheep.

Positives: Can come up with creative solutions to problems, a great friend, nonjudgemental and open minded when it comes to others and their life experiences.

Moon square Pluto: This placement could've been the victim of abuse, especially from their mother. Their mothers could have struggled with mental illness and unfortunately these natives could've been the scapegoat and received the backend. Their mothers could be careless one second and the next they could become obsessive; the obsessiveness usually shows when the native leaves home and creates space between them. This leads to distrust in people, women especially. Moon square Pluto people cling onto any sense of control because they grew up in utter chaos. Unfortunately, these people can deem self destructiveness as "normal" since it was what they knew throughout their whole childhood.

Positives: If these people conquer the negative traits brought on by this aspect, they could become great psychiatrists or therapists. These people are devoted and loyal.

Moon square Saturn: This placement could've struggled with feeling unsafe in childhood; like they couldn't count on their parents. Their mothers were less affectionate than normal and they didn't receive the comfort that they needed, which leads them to being uncomfortable with affection in adulthood. They probably went through some tough changes in childhood which is why they loathe change as an adult. This placement could've felt like they had to parent their parent, specifically their mother. And their mothers could've vented to them about problems that they had no business hearing, cutting their childhood short. Their mothers could go to them for advice a lot of times. They could've felt like a burden growing up, usually an emotional burden but more likely a financial burden.

Positives: Strives to become successful, these people are independent and self sufficient.

Virgo Venus: Virgo Venus isn't too bad but can make a native struggle with self esteem issues. I put this on my list because these people attract lovers that need fixing. Venus in Virgo love to fix people and make them "better". The people they're trying to fix could be toxic and destructive; the "bad boys/girls". But having their partner in focus and ignoring their own needs makes them resentful after awhile. I've noticed this placement attracts creeps and stalkers as well because they have a vibe of innocence and purity. In love, they can grow to be very demanding and make their partners feel inadequate in the process. They also get the ick quite easily, meaning its easy to turn them off.

Positives: Is reliable in love, a lady in the streets freak in the sheets type, definitely someone you want to bring home to your family, will take care of you.

Venus in the 8th house: Venus in the 8th house natives tend to be possessive and jealous in love. It's not that they view their partners as property (they can but this placement alone doesn't indicate that imo), they are just extremely loyal and expect their partner to be as well. From my experience, Venus in the 8th house people are ready to give it all up for someone they love. They want to merge and become one with their partner. Their intensity comes from a good place but once a relationships ends, it can be very very painful for them. Love and relationships trigger transformations for these people and sometimes triggers transformations in their partners. They come out of relationships a stronger and better version of themselves but this is usually achieved through heartache. This placement also has a real fear of abandonment and will stay in toxic relationships for this reason.

Positives: Loyal and devoted in love, is a ride or die person. They are very alluring and magnetic. Not easily forgotten.

Venus in the 12th house: I believe these natives are too good for the world. I say this because, like 8th house Venus, they are ready to give it all up for love. Venus in the 12th house is self sacrificial to a fault, oftentimes neglecting themselves in relationships. Love can bring subconscious pain to the forefront, attracting lovers that make them face hidden problems they hold within themselves. Venus being in the house of the hidden, it's not uncommon for these individuals to be the "other woman/man" or be in secret relationships for whatever reason. They can be easily manipulated and taken advantage of since they're hopeless romantics. This can lead to them having to regulate how much love they have for someone; they'll hold back their feelings and needs in fear of being naive and walked on.

Positives: They love people genuinely and whole heartedly, they see the best in their partners, they form deep connections in love.

Venus square/opposite Saturn: These natives may have grown up in an environment that lacked physical affection. This creates a person that is uncomfortable in love and becomes very regulated with how they express their emotions. They may be inherently insecure when they're young which creates doubt around being loved; they're prone to thoughts like "why would anyone love me?" which then creates trust issues. These people also struggle with self-love, they have feelings of inadequacy and compare themselves to others a lot. Since they have low self esteem, they often attract partners that treat them badly and the worst part is they think they deserve it. These people aren't fans of PDA or physical touch and often express love through gift giving or acts of service.

Positives: Self sufficient, usually has a "glow up" later in life, once this placement is conquered (could be the second half of life) they are unstoppable and have so much love for themselves.

Mars in 4th, 8th, 12th house: Mars doesn't feel very comfortable in water houses, this is especially true if the native has a lot of squares and oppositions to their Mars or water house lord. Mars ignites the emotional watery nature of the houses which can lead to sudden outbursts. Mars in the 4th house natives could have dealt with a prominent mother who dominated the household (4th house). This could indicate that a father figure was absent or estranged. Either that, or his role was weak compared to the mothers. Mars in the 4th house could also signify an aggressive mother and hostile home environment. Mars in the 8th house natives experience extreme emotions a lot of the time, this can include anger, obsession, and jealousy. Since Mars is in the 8th house of transformations, you can expect these people to go through many many painful changes in their life because Mars here speeds things up. These natives are prone to accidents involving vehicles, tools, gym equipment, etc. so watch out for transits! Mars in the 12th house could suppress their martian traits; sexuality, motivation and anger... or it could be the opposite, they could become addicted to sex and have a wicked temper, depending on the sign and aspects. Trauma related to sexuality and the inability to stick up for oneself could be prevalent here as well, or they could be downright violent towards others. These people can either lack motivation or become extremely restless. They also probably have crazy vivid dreams and aggressive hidden enemies.

Side Note: Mars in water houses can either be horrible or not so bad, it really depends on the rest of the chart. I included this because the negatives can be extreme.

Mars square/opposite Pluto: These natives usually had a childhood filled with violence and witnessed a lot of strong emotional outbursts. This makes the native think that reacting aggressively or even violently is normal. They could've been abused by their peers, siblings or parents. As they grow up, physical violence, fights, and anger issues could arise. They can get offended really easily and people just assume they're picking fights. Has a lot of physical energy that can manifest as aggression.

Positives: If they channel their energy correctly, they could become talented athletes. Has enough energy to meet their goals and then some.

Saturn in the 1st house: These people have had it hard since childhood. These natives struggle to be comfortable within themselves due to being surrounded by critical people and even being bullied growing up. The judgmental voices they grew up listening to becomes the voice within. They could struggle with body dysmorphia and have deep rooted insecurities. They are confused within themselves and their insecurity could make them miss a lot of great opportunities.

Positives: These people often have a deep sense of responsibility and can be very successful in their career, depending on the rest of the chart.

Saturn in the 7th house: Saturn, the planet of restriction and blockages, sitting on the 7th house of partnerships can make a native go through a lot of trial and error when it comes to one on one relationships. These people could be shy and fear intimacy due to their self esteem especially when they're young. Since Saturn is very karmic in nature, these people could attract toxic relationships or partners that don't fit well with them in order to learn necessary lessons. These people should be careful of going into business with people and also should be careful of divorce settlements (sign that prenup!)

Positives: After Saturn return, these natives will finally meet an adequate partner and since the universe put them through trial and error, they'll be ready for it. Has meaningful life long friendships.

Chiron opposite ASC/Chiron in the 7th house: These peoples' lessons come in the form of lovers. Betrayal, deceit, heartbreak, and infidelity can make their way into these natives lives. It doesn't have to be those themes although it can be. Depending on the sign of your 7th house, those are the themes that'll teach you the lessons and open up old wounds. For example: Leo in the 7th house (Aquarius rising) you may attract and deal with partners who, worst case scenario, are selfish, egotistical, and want everything to revolve around them. This could trigger your childhood in which your parents fought with each other and forgot about you in the process. Another example is Aries descendent (Libra rising) you may deal with partners who are aggressive, dominating, and maybe even violent. This could trigger old wounds from childhood: maybe you lived in a home where domestic violence was prevalent. You get the idea.

Positives: You're not doomed in love by the way, it's just 7th house signs and their themes that will show up throughout your life. The examples I used were pretty extreme to get the point across. The positive here is that most of the time, the themes are much more discreet. For the 7th house Chiron in Leo example I used, it could be that your partner is self centered and you recognize and treat this. Could be an easy lesson learned (well it better be because if not it's gonna keep showing up).

Chiron in the 11th house: Chiron in the 11th house is a placement I personally have using Placidus. These natives never feel like they fit in, they feel like they're looked at as the outcast, like they don't belong. This is usually the consequences of being bullied as a child and made to feel less than. These people could go through a hard time in life where they have no friends and feel like they have no one to turn to. Loneliness could be a prominent theme in their lives especially when they're young. Chiron in the 11th house would rather have one on one connections than be part of a friend group.

Positives: Could be an advocate for people sharing similar experiences, knows how to be a good friend, values friendships and knows how to be alone.

Chiron conjunct Pluto: I have this one! I've noticed that certain painful experiences; death, heartache, betrayal, rejection affect me SO much. Growing up my mom would just brush these things off and say that they're a part of life. But to me, these things would happen and I would grow to fear them immensely. For example; my grandmother who I was super close to passed away when I was 17 and ever since then I've been terrified of my parents dying. Painful experiences really change people with this aspect, for better or for worse.

Positives: These people are forced to confront their deepest fears which in turn makes them stronger. They have the power to transform themselves after traumatic events.

Lilith in the 1st house: Lilith is the exact opposite of what "women should be" which rubs people, men specifically, the wrong way. It also rubs older generations the wrong way or whoever believes in traditional gender roles. Here in the 1st house, these natives embody Lilith which, you guessed it, rubs people the wrong way. They usually have trauma related to males trying to put them down or put them in their place, even as a child. Growing up, adult women could talk about them negatively as well. Everywhere they go, there's people that look at them sideways; they're either disgusted or intrigued. They often experience people hating them for "no reason". The real reason for this reaction is because they make people feel threatened just by being. They were also sexualized from a young age and could've had older people, mostly men, commenting on their bodies.

Positives: Extremely magnetic and alluring, blessed with beauty, intense aura and presence, always gets what they want.

Lilith in the 10th house: Similar to Lilith in the 1st house, these natives have a tendency to set people off just by being themselves. This creates a lot of disturbance in the workplace; people either love them or hate them but either way their reaction to them is extreme. Male authority can either sexualize them or belittle them making the workplace uncomfortable. Lilith being Lilith here, they may use this power to their advantage and climb the ranks so to speak. Rumors about them swirl around the workplace because people are just obsessed.

Positives: Strong people, very attractive, can use their good looks to their advantage, will grow to be a boss.

18° in Personal Planets/1st house/6th house/8th house: 18° is the shadow side of Virgo. Having this degree could indicate serious illness, tragedy, and critical misfortunes playing a role in your life. This doesn't have to be the native themselves experiencing these things, but it will affect them whether that be through family, a partner, friendships, etc.

Positives: I feel like this could be true but not always so if you have this degree anywhere you're most likely safe. But then again you might not be. Good luck. :)

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I'm definitely forgetting a bajillion placements but it's all so negative so I'm going to end here. I'm not trying to be negative I'm just shining a light on certain placements because they're fucking hard to deal with!!!

To the people that say no placement is bad or negative: how does it feel to have rainbows and sunshine shooting out of your fucking ass?! Be forreal.

Life is hard, we all know that. How could we appreciate the fortunes if we didn't have misfortunes? For all the negative there will be positive too. Here's to all of us and our shitty fucking placements 🎉

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ecoamerica · 25 days

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judebelle · 5 months

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Gavi breaking up with the reader bc he needs space and stuff and she takes it really hard and it affects her a lot but he realizes he was wrong for it and gets her back. Just a lot of angst but fluff ending plssss. You are the bestttt

rekindled - p.g. x reader

authors note : thank you guys for the love on my recent posts, and for sending in requests. psa, the more requests i get, the more motivated i am and the more i post!

cw : just heart wrenching angst for the most part, but it gets fluffy dwww!!, swearing, sad :(

wc : 2.3k

pairing : pablo gavi x fem!reader

---

“i just don’t have the time for you anymore!”

his words truly devastated you, tearing apart the delicate threads of your heart. couldn’t he at least try? why was he just giving up?

“i don’t understand why we can’t just try to work it out, pablo! we could compromise, we can even make a schedule.. we could make it work!”

it seemed like only you were really trying, and he seemed eager to end this relationship. over what? a busy schedule? you felt useless, standing in his empty home, the echoes of your voices ringing in your ears. it was as if you were singlehandedly trying to stop a sinking ship from descending deep into the dark and bottomless blue.

“it’s not that easy, y/n! i have a lot on my plate! between football practices and matches, i barely have time for myself anymore. and then adding on this relationship, i need to make time for you as well! its too much. i know you wouldn't understand but-"

"i wouldn't understand? what is that supposed to mean? there are two people in this relationship. and it's not like i sit around all day and do nothing! i also have my own things to do! you make it seem like i am so high maintenance, like i'm too much for you to handle!"

you were growing increasingly angry as the argument progressed. how little did he think of you?

"you know that's not what i meant.."

you sniffled, "i dont think i know you at all anymore."

---

it had been a week since the break up.

you tried not to let it affect you too much, but his absence left a crater in your heart you were left too weak to fill.

the breakup casted a shadow over the once vibrant hues of your life. you found yourself dealing with the aftermath of shattered love. you were picking up the shattered pieces of your heart, the sharp glass cutting through the skin of your hands. you felt the pain during tearful nights when sleep also abandoned you, and in the empty spaces that once resonated with shared laughter.

the breakup left an indelible mark on you.

you didn't call anybody. you just sat at home. it was like pablo's words became your new reality, now you were truly sitting around all day and doing nothing.

you hadn't heard from him at all, thanking the universe knowing that if you did, it would be too much on your aching heart.

---

one month had passed.

you were finally feeling like yourself again. yes, you missed his warm embrace and touching words, but you learned to live without it.

you couldn't depend on someone to be the sole reason for your happiness. you still loved him, and you always will, but fuck did he cut deep.

---

pablo's pov

pablo found himself grappling with an unexpected wave of regret.

the relentless demands of his busy life had driven a wedge between the two of you, leaving him to confront the harsh reality of what he had lost.

pablo now spent the time he would've spent with you alone, in his home. he didn't hang out with friends. he didn't go out for dinner, just ordered food to his house. he felt lonely and bored without you.

how ironic.

the void left by your absence became easily recognizable to everyone around him, and he began to yearn for the warmth of your shared moments.

but pablo kept the painful truth of your breakup to himself, unable to utter the words aloud to anyone.

"hey bro, what's on your mind?"

he felt an arm drape across his shoulders, startling him from his thoughts.

pablo was at barcelona's training grounds, and didn't realize his slumped posture and absentminded features were noticeable to anyone but him.

pedro was walking next to him, his arm slung around the back of his neck.

"hola?? what's up with you?" pedro was insisting on finding out why his close friend was acting so strange.

"sorry, just tired.. didn't get much sleep last night." in all honesty, he hadn't. he spent most of his night lying awake, thinking of how badly he had messed up. his screen time was through the roof, scrolling through your feed and posts, reminiscing on what was once his, about the warm soul that would sleep next to him in this very bed.

"ai, don't lie now. you know i can see right through you. what's wrong, bro?" pedro wasn't giving up, pestering pablo on his silence.

pablo gulped and turned to his friend, "i.. i messed up bad bro, like really bad..".

he didn't elaborate further, unable to bring himself to come to terms with what he had done.

"uhh, that's cool and all, but it would be helpful if you explained, man. i can't help you if you dont tell m-"

"i broke up with y/n."

pablo shut his mouth after, the words leaving the bitter taste of regret in his mouth. he might've said that too loudly, causing some staff members and teammates to look his direction.

pedro didn't seem to believe it, raising his eyebrow at the boy.

"you what? wha... when?"

everyone who knew pablo knew that he was absolutely smitten with you. you were always on his mind, and he was quick to talk about you if he had the chance. it annoyed his friends sometimes, but it was cute how much he loved you.

the fact that he had broken up with you was appalling.

"around a month ago.." pablo confessed, his hands hidden behind his back like a guilty child. "i told her i was too busy to focus on our relationship, and i told her that i needed to focus on my career. it's honestly a load of bullshit. i think i was just stressed and took it out on her."

pedro's confusion was evident, his eyebrows drawn together.

"i don't understand, bro. your schedule was never an issue for you before. and why didn't you tell me? i could've, i don't know, been there for you!"

it was like pablo was being scolded, and he really did deserve it. he'd lost you because of his own stress and poor time management. you didn't deserve to suffer because of him.

"pablo, what were you thinking? i mean, i can't believe it! i would've never expected you to- okay, i'm sorry.." pedro stopped his lecturing upon seeing his friend growing increasingly upset. "my advice to you is to go apologize. and not just a quick 'sorry', but a good one. get her flowers, chocolate - i don't know, whatever chicks like. just go say sorry."

pablo looked up at his friend, hesitation on his features. "what if she doesn't take me back? w-what would i do then?" he stuttered. he was worried you would realize how big of an asshole he was, and how much he didn't deserve you.

"i mean, i wouldn't blame her," pedro smiled teasingly. "but i know y/n pretty well, she would understand." he laid a comforting hand on pablo's shoulder. "don't sweat it bro, it'll all be okay."

---

your pov

you were currently sprawled across your couch, stuffing popcorn in your mouth as you binged a show you had already seen a million times.

the bell rang.

that hadn't happened in a while. the unfamiliar sound rang in your head before you pulled yourself up from your comfortable position, walking to the door. you yanked the door open, popcorn still in your mouth.

you looked up to see the man you thought you'd never see again.

"..hola.." he whispered before sending you a soft smile. you froze in your spot. not knowing what to do as you weren't expecting this at all.

it was like you'd turned cold from shock. you acted before you thought, slamming the door on his face. you scrambled to fixed your hair and finish chewing your popcorn.

giving yourself a moment to breathe and think, you quickly opened the door again, worried he might leave. surprisingly, he was still standing there, waiting for you.

"can i come in?"

---

you let him in, of course. how could you not?

he walked in with a hunched back. his feet dragged against the floor wearily.

you told him to sit on the couch and wait as you grabbed two waters, one for him, and one for you.

the unexpected arrival of pablo, whom you thought had become a distant echo of the past, sent tremors through the newly rebuilt walls around your heart.

is there a possibility of rekindling what was once lost?

you finally dragged yourself out of the kitchen and back into the living room to where pablo was sitting with his legs shaking anxiously and his fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. there were still popcorn crumbs on the couch, the halfway eaten bowl of it placed on the table across from the paused movie displayed on the tv.

oh, how you wish he warned you before showing up at your doorstep.

he turned his head to see you standing tensely in the doorframe. he smiled awkwardly as he scooted over to give you some space to sit far from him.

you sat down and placed the waters on the table in front of you. you took a deep breath before gulping hard. you eventually found the courage to croak out a few words.

"what happened, is everything alright?"

the air was thick, the unspoken history you shared lingering in the air. his eyes were red and cratered by bags. he tried to hide the lines on his face by putting on a decent outfit and gelling his hair back, but you saw right through his façade.

"i just.. wanted to apologize.."

your silence was his cue to continue speaking.

sitting in the soft glow of your living room, pablo took a deep breath before breaking the heavy silence.

"i need you to know how sorry i am for what i did, y/n. breaking up with you was the biggest mistake of my life, and i've spent every day regretting it. i miss you, not just the idea of you, but you - the way you laugh, the way you challenge me... i was foolish, and i can't keep living my life without you in it. i came here to make things right, to find a way for us to work through the challenges together. can we try again? can you forgive me?" His vulnerable pleas hung in the air while also knocking you down like heavy wind.

your gaze flickered with a mix of surprise as pablo's heartfelt words settled in the room. the weight of his apology hung between you, and for a moment, time seemed to stretch as you discerned the sincerity in his eyes.

you took a moment before responding, your voice a sorrowful blend of vulnerability and caution.

"pablo, you hurt me deeply when you walked away. i've spent nights replaying those moments, the day you left me, wondering if i meant as much to you as you say now...". The room held a fragile hope as your eyes locked.

in a desperate plea, pablo's words spilled forth with an intensity so raw it stung in the depths of your heart. his eyes reflected the sincerity of his emotions. "y/n, i can't imagine my life without you. every moment without you feels like a void i can't fill. i was foolish, and i let something so precious slip away." his voice wavered with a mix of regret and hope, showing the depth of his desire to rebuild what was lost.

"please, i'm begging you, give me another chance. i know i hurt you, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. i've learned from my mistakes, and i'm not the same person who walked away. i love you, and i'm ready to fight for us. please, take me back."

you listened to pablo's heartfelt pleas carefully. after a thoughtful pause, you spoke with a calm and resolute tone,

"pablo, i appreciate your honesty and the effort you're putting into this. it's not easy to admit mistakes, and i can see the sincerity in your eyes. but i need some space to process everything. let's take things one step at a time."

pablo quietly absorbed your response. he nodded, a silent acknowledgment of the weight of his actions. "i understand, y/n," he said with a quiet sincerity,

"i know i hurt you, and i can't expect you to erase that pain overnight. i'm here, whenever you're ready." his words left a subtle sting on your heart. he raised up from the couch, before leaving with the same hunch of his back and drag of his steps that he entered with.

the sound of the door latching closed sent a stab through your heart. your eyes began to water as the painful image of him leaving stuck in your mind.

you were standing in the doorway, and felt a sudden surge of clarity and yearning. spontaneously, you threw the door open and rushed after him, the urgency to convey your changing feelings propelling you forward. "pablo!" you called out, running down the driveway, and as he turned in surprise, you closed the distance between you. without a word, you reached out, cupped his face in your hands, and pressed your lips to his. his hands wrapped around your waist as he dipped you forward slightly, embracing your warmth and forgiveness. your brows furrowed into the kiss as you felt the craters in your heart fill slowly.

the kiss was heavy, holding many unspoken emotions—forgiveness, longing, and the realization that sometimes, the heart finds its way back when the connection is too strong to resist.

in that moment, under the dim streetlights, things changed between you two, and it seemed as though the process of reconciliation was beginning to unfold.

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katyswrites · 1 year

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don't call me 'baby'

PART 6 | SERIES

Pairing: Steve Harrington/fem!reader

Warnings: Sugardaddy!Steve, SMUT (18+), angst, discussions of past trauma, daddy kink, ddlg dynamics, dom/sub dynamics, slight breeding kink, dirty talk, semi-public sex, exhibitionism, jealous!Steve, overstimulation, swearing, sexual harassment/men being gross, alcohol use, smoking, age gap, no use of y/n

Wordcount: 9.2k

A sugar daddy modern AU, a whirlwind summer romance in Italy, and two people from completely different walks of life, somehow finding each other in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. But, what will happen when summer ends?

PART 6 | honey, hell is when I fight with you

You left Steve’s apartment and made your way home in a daze. After studying the save the date and reading it approximately a hundred times, you shoved it back into the drawer and shut it. You moved quickly after that, your only thought being that you needed to get out of this apartment before Steve got back. You gathered your discarded dress off of the floor, only realizing halfway to the door that you were only wearing a robe. You paused, then scoffed inwardly - Steve probably wouldn’t notice if a few things were missing from his closet, and even if he did, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. That’s how you found yourself pulling a t-shirt and pair of sweatpants out of his dresser, nearly in shock that he even owned anything like that. You pulled them on quickly, hardly caring that they didn’t fit right, pointedly ignoring the fact that the clothes smelled like him - his aftershave, a hint of smoke, and something so distinctly Steve.

You tore out of the elevator and stumbled onto the street, blinking in the bright morning light. You stalked up and down the streets for a while, realizing that you really didn’t know your way around this side of the city - Steve’s chauffeur had always driven you to and from here, and you had never had much of a reason to come here previously. After what felt like ages, you found a bus stop, luckily with a line that would take you back home. You didn’t remember much of the journey home after that - it was all in a blur, the blood rushing through your head making your ears roar, your hands shaking and breathing heavily.

A million thoughts ran through your mind, forehead pressed against the glass as the city flew past. The image of Steve and Nancy was imprinted in your mind, the text of the invite practically memorized. You felt your eyes burn, but did everything within your power to not let any tears fall. The initial shock was already wearing off, and you found yourself fluctuating through a range of feelings: Devastation. Regret. Sadness. Anger. As the moments ticked by, anger seemed to be winning.

You felt like an idiot, an absolute fool for not considering this as a possibility. Steve had felt too good to be true, and it’s because he was. It explained so much, really - why he rarely talked about home, evaded questions about his personal life, why he traveled so much for work… were those trips to other cities and countries just back to the United States, a quick rendezvous to see his wife? You felt stupid, small, and used. And that was why, with each passing moment, you became angry.

Steve is lucky that you weren’t still at the apartment when he came home. If you were, there’s a good chance you would’ve killed him. How could things have gone wrong so quickly? Twelve hours ago, you were writhing beneath him, Steve whispering sweet nothings into your ears as he touched you everywhere. Just two hours ago, you had woken up in his bed, waiting for him to come back with breakfast, blissfully unaware. But now… now, you just wanted to scream, to wish you had never met him. You’d rather be run down and broke if it meant you never had to feel like this.

You were still working through these thoughts as you made the walk from the bus stop to your apartment, moving on autopilot as you went up the stairs and opened the door, fumbling with the keys thanks to your blurring vision and shaking hands. You made enough of a ruckus that Robin was glancing over from where she was seated on the couch, grinning.

“Hey! I was about to send a search party, but I’m guessing that the night went pretty great -”

It was a miracle, really, that you had held yourself together as long as you did. But, the moment the door had clicked shut behind you, and you saw Robin’s beaming face, you lost all semblance of composure that you had been holding onto. You felt the tears start to fall, fast and hot, and you let out a choked sob.

Robin was up off the couch and to you in seconds. It was like a dam had opened, the tears flowing, your body convulsing as you fell into her arms.

“Oh, babe,” she whispered, “what did he do?”

You just pulled her tighter, burying your face into her shoulder as the wave of devastation finally, truly set in. You were an absolute mess, and it was all Steve Harrington’s fault. You decided then and there that you would always hate him for it.

******

The first thing he did was text you. When you heard the telltale ding from your phone, you instinctively knew it was him. Your nose was runny, your eyes red and puffy as tear stains dried on your cheeks, warm and sticky. Robin has unearthed some chocolate from the cupboard, scrolling through Netflix for something comforting to watch. You glanced down at your phone, your stomach turning at the sight of his name on the screen:

Hey! Is everything okay? I thought you’d still be here. If you had somewhere to be though, I understand - errands this morning took longer than I thought. I hope you had fun last night.

You rolled your eyes, scoffing as you read it. This, of course, was followed immediately by another round of tears, albeit more quiet and soft. You couldn’t help it - despite feeling cried-out, your vision blurred as you felt the tears start to fall again. It felt ridiculous, to let him make you cry like this. You should be furious, over this already, but it still just made you sad, as stupidly simple as that sounded.

You felt Robin’s eyes on you, and you just turned your phone for her to look. She rolled her eyes.

“Oh, fuck him - if I ever see him out in the wild -”

“I’m just - I’m not going to respond,” you said, voice a bit thick and hoarse still.

“I mean, if I were you -”

“But you’re not,” you snapped. “And I just don’t want to talk to him, okay?”

Robin went quiet, staring down at her hands.

“Yeah - okay, no problem -” she said, voice quiet. You felt a surge of guilt run through you.

“Robin - hey, I’m sorry. It’s not you, I’m just -” you sighed, pinching your temples.

“I know,” Robin said softly. “It’s okay - I get it. I mean, fuck him, right?”

You feigned a thin smile, wiping your eyes.

“Yeah,” you whispered. “Fuck him.”

Robin leaned back, opening up her arms. You took the invitation and laid down on your side, putting your head in her lap and facing the TV.

“What’re we watching?” you asked quietly.

“Whatever you want, babe,” she replied, running her fingers gently across your scalp.

And, for a while, you pushed Steve from your mind, fell into a state of acceptance, and let yourself appreciate having someone like her in your life, when seemingly everyone else had let you down.

*****

Steve texted you four more times that day, the first coming a few hours later. The longer you went without responding, though, the quicker he sent a follow-up, each message growing increasingly frantic:

Is everything alright?

Are you free to talk right now? I just want to make sure you’re okay.

This is going to sound stupid, but I’m freaking out a little - can you at least let me know you’re alive? And that you made it home okay?

Do I need to send out a search party? Because I will, if I have to.

Then, around 4pm, the phone calls started. The first time your phone buzzed, you ignored it and let it go to voicemail. For a while, you opted to just leave your phone in your bedroom and stay in the living room with Robin, ordering takeout and watching terrible reality television. It almost took your mind off of things. Almost.

At some point, Robin broke out a bottle of wine that had been hiding in the back of the pantry. It was pretty cheap, which you probably wouldn’t have noticed before. But lately, you’d only been drinking the good stuff. Still, it got you a little tipsy, made you relax just a bit, and you soon found yourself laughing like a child with Robin over something so silly, you couldn’t even recall what it was. Then, it was getting late, a little past midnight, and you remembered that Robin had work in the morning.

You probably would too, soon. You’d likely have to go back to the coffee shop, and ask for your shifts back. That would be easy - the gig at Enoteca might be harder to get back. You had enough money banked from Steve’s allowance that you’d be fine at least for a while. But, before the semester started back up, you had to begrudgingly accept that you’d have to get back to your shitty jobs again. But, that was a problem to deal with tomorrow. For now, you put on a brave face, and bid goodnight to Robin.

“You sure you’ll be okay?” she asked from the bathroom doorway.

“Yeah,” you whispered. “Not right now. But… I’m dealing with it. Don’t worry too much about me, okay?”

You knew she’d probably let you sleep in her bed with her tonight, if you asked. You’d do the same for her. But it felt childish, and you had a feeling you already weren’t going to sleep well tonight. So Robin frowned, but nodded, murmuring, “Yeah, alright.”

You soon found yourself in your bedroom, alone. The moment the door shut behind you, you let out a deep, shuddering breath. For the first time since arriving home that day, you were actually alone.

You moved slowly, pulling on your pajamas and sliding under your covers. You sagged with relief, the weight of the day fully sinking in. You were exhausted, so deeply that it seeped into your bones. For a moment, you wondered if you would sink deep enough into the mattress that you’d fall right through, and never come back up.

You were letting your eyes flutter shut when your phone buzzed on your nightstand. You groaned, rolling over and squinting at the brightness of the bluelight. Steve’s contact name was on your screen - you suddenly found yourself thankful that you didn’t actually have any pictures of him, because the thought of seeing his contact photo on your screen right now was too much to handle.

You had been letting it go to voicemail all day. But, this time, you pressed DECLINE.

The screen goes dim. You click it on, and see a notification:

Steve Harrington

Missed Call (8)

You shook your head, laughing sardonically. You should’ve been spiteful, and left that wedding invite out on the bed for him to find, so he knew exactly why you didn't want to speak to him.

Despite yourself, you pictured it again in your mind. The photo of Steve and that woman, smiling and picture-perfect against the sunset. The giant diamond on her finger, the way his arms were wrapped around her. And, her name: Nancy Wheeler.

You knew that you shouldn’t do it. But, you were so morbidly curious. So, despite better judgment, you found yourself opening up Instagram, and typing in her name.

You scrolled through a few, until you finally spotted a profile called @nancewheeler with an icon that you were 98% sure was her. You tapped on it, only to find it to be private, much to your disappointment. Although, maybe it was for the best - what were you expecting to find? Photos from her wedding? Posts with Steve, wishing him a happy birthday, going on trips, spending holidays together? That would only be more painful.

She had more than a respectable amount of followers for an average person, and she looks just as beautiful in her tiny profile photo as she did on the card. The profile reads:

emerson 14’. columbia ‘16. permanently peckish.

IN → NY

You bit your lip. Even with these small scraps of information, she seemed smart, cool, and more put-together than you’ve ever been.

Next, you went to Facebook - you found her profile, but it looked like it hadn’t been active for several years. The last public update was in 2018 - it was photos from a Christmas party. And, sickeningly, Steve is in the pictures, laughing as she’s curled into his side, both donning Christmas sweaters and paper crowns.

Steve looked younger, and maybe the happiest you’ve ever seen him. You closed it quickly, feeling stupid for the way your eyes burned when thinking about it. Next, you Googled her name - and, a lot came up. She was a writer for the New York Times. She’s published some hard-hitting stuff - exclusive profiles, breaking news coverage, in-depth exposes ranging from political cover-ups to tainted city water supplies to sexual harassment in Hollywood. You hit the paywall after a few articles, but you scrolled through the headlines. She was the real thing. Of course she was. How could Steve not fall in love with her?

You closed the browser and shut off your phone, throwing your covers over your head and burying your face in the pillow. You willed sleep to overtake you, but instead, your phone buzzed again. You huffed, twisting around and snatching it off of th nightstand. You declined the call again, put the phone on Do Not Disturb, and rolled back over.

This time, though, you let the tears fall. You had been holding them back ever since your breakdown with Robin earlier. But you weren’t done yet, and you had known it - but now, you sobbed into your pillow. You weren’t sure when sleep came and put you out of your misery, but your last thoughts before drifting off were of Steve, and how you hated him, but not as much as you wanted to.

*****

TWO DAYS LATER

“Seriously, it’s fine,” you assured Robin. “I can take care of myself, you know.”

“I know! It’s just… I feel shitty for going on a date while you’re… well, you know.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Just because I’m going through a tough time doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have fun.”

Robin crosses her arms.

“I’m just saying -”

“Robin! This is what, your fifth date with Vickie? Sixth? You like her - I see the way you talk about her. Just go - seriously, I’m just going to be here, watching TV and eating leftovers. Go have fun on my behalf, yeah?”

Robin pondered it for a moment, then nodded.

“Yeah, okay - but, if you need anything -”

“Just go, will you?” you said, smiling. “I think I can be alone for a few hours, you know. Or… maybe more than a few, if it goes well -”

“Ugh! Gross!” Robin cried, grimacing.

“What’s gross about me wanting my best friend to get laid? If you don’t come home, I’ll just assume that you’re hav-”

“Okay, you win! I’m leaving, maybe forever!”

“Bring an umbrella!” you shouted.

You laughed, settling into the couch and turning your attention back to the television as you heard the door click behind her. The apartment was quiet - you hadn’t really had it to yourself in a while, and as comforting as Robin’s presence was, you were glad to be alone for a bit. And, although it was bittersweet, you couldn’t help but feel giddy that things seemed to be going well with Vickie - after hearing Robin rave about that cute girl in my art history class for a whole semester, you had told her enough was enough, and she should buck up and ask her out. Occasionally, you were capable of giving out good advice, it turns out.

A storm was raging outside, the rain pounding against the glass as the wind whistled. It was forecasted to pour all night, much-needed relief after an unusually hot and dry past few weeks. To you, that meant a night in sweatpants, getting under the covers early, and falling asleep to the sound of the rainfall. To you, that sounded just fine.

Even though it had only been a few days, you found yourself thinking of Steve less than you thought you would. Granted, that wasn’t much. But, it was something.

To say you got your heart broken would’ve been dramatic. He wasn’t your boyfriend - outside of bed, there was nothing affectionate between you two. Your relationship had been an arrangement, a transaction, and nothing more. No, instead, you just felt used - he knew exactly what he was doing. And, you had been stupid enough to fall for it. When you thought of him, you just felt dread, a stroke of anger, and ultimately settled on defeat. He still called, and occasionally texted - asking what was wrong, wondering if he did something, demanding an explanation. He had left voicemails, too - you hadn’t brought yourself to listen to them. Hearing his voice was too tangible, too real. Besides, there probably wasn’t much he could possibly have to say to you. You had considered blocking his number several times - Robin had practically demanded it. But, every time you tried, your finger hovered over the button, and you just couldn’t bring yourself to.

It was a little past 8pm when you heard a knock on your door. You were munching on popcorn half-watching a Netflix rom-com while mindlessly scrolling on your phone. You jumped, glancing over the couch towards the door - was it Robin? It must be, if it wasn’t somebody ringing the buzzer from downstairs. Maybe she was locked out. That would be really early for her to be back, though - unless somehow, something had gone terribly wrong on her date. The thought of that alone was enough to form a knot in your stomach. You leapt up from the couch, practically running to the door. You were so frantic, so worried, that it hadn’t even occurred to you to check through the peephole and see who it was.

You braced yourself as you unlocked and opened the door.

“Why are you already -”

Then, you froze. Because, standing there in the doorway, dripping with rainwater and shivering, was Steve Harrington.

His eyes widened when he saw you, his chest heaving - he must’ve run up the four flights of stairs. After a few seconds, once the initial shock wore off, you straightened up, moving to immediately slam the door in his face.

“Wait, hold on-” he started, catching the door in his hand. You considered trying to slam it even harder, hopefully to catch his fingers in the process, but you decide to relent.

“Please,” he said, voice a bit softer. “I - give me five minutes to explain, yeah? If you don’t like what I have to say, I’ll walk out of here, and never come back. I promise you.”

You held his stare, pointedly trying to ignore his pleading eyes, and the way it made something in your chest crumble. Fuck.

“Goddammit,” you muttered under your breath. You sighed, taking a step back and opening the door, only just wide enough for him to shoulder his way in. You took a few steps back, crossing your arms and popping your hip. He was smart enough to keep his distance, standing on the other side of the room.

It was only now that it occurred to you that he had never been in your apartment. You had always made him wait downstairs, embarrassed by how small it probably would seem to him, how juvenile and messy the place looked. You also became acutely aware of your oversized threadbare t-shirt, your old sweatpants, the fact that he had never exactly seen you like this before. You felt the blood rush into your cheeks, the self-consciousness suddenly all-consuming.

No, you thought, I’m not the one who should be ashamed here.

So, you straightened up, holding firm. This was your home - he wasn’t much more than an intruder in it.

The way he was looking at you wasn’t unlike how you imagine prey looking at a predator, unnervingly wary, frozen in place. After it became clear that you weren’t going to be the one to initiate the conversation, he took a deep breath.

“Okay, so - I have a feeling why you disappeared on me.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, do you now?”

Your words were curt, tone biting.

“Yeah, well - okay, look - I’ve been really worried about you. I thought something had happened. Or, maybe I scared you off with something I said, or did… but, I thought it was crazy to come over here, even though I thought about it about a hundred times -”

“Well, yeah, showing up unannounced to the place where I live, in the pouring rain, in the middle of the night - that would be crazy, good thing you didn’t -”

“Yeah, I get it. But, the point is, I didn’t know why you left, or what happened, until now. I was cleaning up around my place, and - all of my stuff kind of has its place, you know? And, I saw my spare phone charger plugged into the wall, and I thought that was weird, because I didn’t remember putting it there… or pulling it out of its drawer…and that’s when I knew. You saw - what you saw, it isn’t what you think -”

“Isn’t it?” you asked. “Because to me, it looks like you had a wedding last September, Harrington. Let me guess - you had to come live abroad for what, six months, and couldn’t go that long without getting laid? I mean, you’re just like the rest of them -”

“Baby, no -”

“Don’t call me that!” you cried, not even realizing how close it was to a scream until it came out. You felt your eyes welling up, starting to sting, and you internally scolded yourself for letting him already get you like this.

“You don’t get to call me anything, I’m not your anything -”

“I’m not married!” he finally said, screaming to be heard over you.

You stopped mid-sentence, pausing for a moment, then scoffed.

“Do you really expect me to believe that? I saw it - Nancy, is it? Is she back in the U.S., just completely oblivious?”

He winced visibly at her name, like it was something foul.

“I wouldn’t know, considering I haven’t spoken to her in a year!”

It’s silent for a moment, both of you breathing heavily with frustration, too worked up. You opened your mouth to say something, but the words died on your tongue. He was still holding your gaze, unrelenting. There was something in the way he was looking at you, something saying please. You just held your ground, arms still crossed, mouth shut.

Steve took a moment, shutting his eyes and exhaling deeply, gathering himself.

“I - she called it off. Like, two months before the wedding. We - we had been having some issues. I ignored them, because I wanted to make it work. I really did. But… she didn’t, I guess. So, we went our separate ways. I haven’t seen her since she moved out of our - my, place. I swear to you - I didn’t lie to you.”

You bit your lip, letting your eyes drift downwards to the floor to avoid his gaze as you considered what he was saying. He had a lot of reasons to lie - but, there wasn’t much evidence suggesting that it wasn’t true. You nodded slowly.

“That’s not true,” you said.

“What?”

“That you didn’t lie. That’s not true.”

“I’m telling you -”

“No,” you interrupted, snapping up to meet his eyes again. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt for like, 5 minutes, and believe you. Believe that you aren’t with her anymore, I mean. But - you still lied. Back at the coffee shop, when I asked why you didn’t want a real relationship.”

His shoulders sagged a bit.

“What makes you say that?”

“You said you’re too busy - married to your job, don’t have time, all of that. And yeah, maybe that’s partially true. But don’t tell me that Nancy isn’t part of that. She is, right?”

He stared at you for a moment, considering what you were implying carefully, and nodded slowly.

“Yeah - kind of.”

“You don’t have to tell me everything that happened, but I need you -”

“No, I’ll tell you,” he conceded. “Can I sit?”

You nodded in the direction of the couch, watching him as he slowly walked over and sunk down. You stayed standing, holding your ground. He sat there for a moment, and you could tell that he was trying his best to compose himself. After a deep breath, he started talking.

“Nancy and I met in college, my junior year. We didn’t go to the same school, but we were both living in Boston, ran in similar circles, all of that. I’ll be honest with you - I was crazy about her, from the second I met her. And, I don’t know, it felt right, I guess? Or, maybe it didn’t, and I just wanted to lock it down, hold onto her. She also came from a good family, my parents loved her, all of that. So, after she finished grad school, I was already working my way up in the company, so I proposed. I’m sure a lot of people thought I was crazy - we were still pretty young, you know? I honestly was shocked that she said yes. I guess that was a sign, right?”

He was hardly looking at you as he told the story, his words careful and measured. His voice was quiet, solemn.

“So, we were engaged for a while - things kept getting in the way. Or, maybe we were searching for reasons to delay it all, I don’t know. Looking back, here’s so much I didn’t know. But, I was working a lot - long hours, late nights, traveling constantly. And Nancy was making her own name, always busy - she’s a journalist, a really good one. So, we hardly saw one another. And when we did, it was like we were strangers. Or, even worse, we kept fighting about stupid shit. Like, who was supposed to wash the dishes, schedule mix-ups, the wedding guest list. I think we were just both stressed with work, and we were both starting to figure out that we had less in common than we thought. And then… one night, at a friend’s wedding, Nancy got drunk. Like, really drunk. And she didn’t do that often, and I was honestly happy to see her letting loose. But then she had a little too much fun, started stumbling, feeling sick, and I tried to get her to leave. And, that’s when she started being brutally honest about everything.”

His voice got thick for a second, and he paused for a moment to pull himself together. This was painful for him - really painful. The kind of pain that you can’t make up.

“I won’t get into everything she said, but - I replay that conversation in my head, constantly. It brought a lot of things to light - we didn’t love each other the same way, and we didn’t want the same things for the future. She was totally blackout, of course. So the next day, when she was sober, I told her what happened, and asked if she meant it. She couldn’t answer me. And you wanna know the most pathetic part? I still wanted to fight for us, to proceed with the wedding, figure it all out… but I guess it got her thinking. I came back from work a few days later, and she was gone. She packed up all of her stuff, left the ring, and a note. And that was it. I haven’t seen her since. So yeah, you’re right - I’m not looking for a relationship. Because I don’t need anything like that to happen to me ever again. You wanted honesty? There, you have it.”

He leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands.

This was a version of Steve you’d never seen before. There was a lot about him that you still didn’t know, sides you haven’t seen, you knew that. But this…

There were now a few more things about Steve Harrington of which you were absolutely certain, adding to your ever-growing list. He was heartbroken. He was scared. A part of him, however big or small, was still yearning for Nancy, wistfully mourning what could have been. And, he was telling you the truth.

In theory, he could’ve been lying about the whole thing. He could have fabricated some detailed, believable story about his forlorn ex-fiancee, playing up the heartbreak, putting on the performance of a lifetime. But you just knew - from the way his voice had sounded, the way his body sagged and deflated, the way he was now staring at you to gauge your reaction: he was being honest with you. And, everything about your arrangement, the way he spoiled you, his desperation when you were in bed, his stony persona outside of it… all of the pieces were falling into place. And you had just spent the last two days in agony for nothing.

He wanted you to say something, you knew that. But, you didn’t say a word. Instead, you kept his stare, slowly crossing the room until you were right in front of him. He never tore his gaze away from you, eyes following as you slowly sank to your knees, down to his level.

“So, are you gonna say some-”

He didn’t get a chance to finish, because you were kissing him, soft and slow. He stiffened, then relaxed, easing into the kiss. He brought his hands to your face, grasping you gently as he pulled you close.

“You don’t have to -”

“No,” you said firmly, cutting him off. “Stop talking. There’s only one thing I want to do right now.”

“What?” he breathed.

“Make you forget all about her.”

His eyes widened, and you were on him again, situating yourself in his lap. You started kissing him again, but more hurriedly, hungrily. He responded, melting back into the couch as you straddled him, wrapping your arms around his neck. He groaned against your lips, his tongue finding its way into your mouth. You let him, smiling at the way the telltale bulge was already growing in his jeans, the way he moaned when you brushed over it.

It had only been a few days, and you realized then how much you had missed him, as silly as it sounded. But the smell of his cologne, the taste of him, the sounds he was making under you, everything that was Steve - it was addicting.

So, the pair of you found your way back to your bedroom, gnashing teeth and tongues, whimpers and groans into each other’s skin, and hardly any actual talking happened after that.

*******

That night, you did your best to keep your promise to make Steve forget all about Nancy. With the way he was screaming your name by the end of it, you considered it a success.

You kissed him all over, pressing your lips and dragging your tongue over him until he was practically putty, begging you to touch him. And you did, wrapping your mouth around where he wanted you most. And, you had your fun, making up for your pent up frustration - you edged him, teasing and pulling him right to the peak until he was begging for release, practically crying. He was a mess, babbling a nonsensical cacophony of sweet praises, filthy promises, calling you his good girl and baby. When you finally lowered yourself onto him, you made him look at you as you rode him. You experimented with how far you could push it, forcing his fingers to your clit as you did.

Oh, daddy, you had moaned, looking down at him smugly. Does this feel good? Do you like when your good girl rides you? I bet you do. C’mon, daddy - make your girl cum, yeah? I need to cum on your cock, sir. Cum inside me, you know you want to -

And he did, just like that, a desperate mess beneath you. You were so worked up, the rollercoaster of the last few days coming to a head, that you followed moments later, pulling him close as you came down from your highs together, chests heaving.

Afterwards, he had kissed apologies into your skin, whispering all the ways he was going to make it up to you. You just quieted his worries, whispering, “Is there anything else I need to know?”

“No,” he replied softly.

“Okay. Then the rest we can handle.”

And that was that. You didn’t even say anything when he fell asleep, right there in your bed. Instead, you buried yourself into his side, and had a peaceful sleep for the first time since the night of the gala.

Things went back to normal after that. Or, something like it. There was of course an explanation needed for Robin - she had nearly thrown a plate at Steve when she saw him in the kitchen the next morning. It took some talking down, and a series of death glares shot in his direction, but when you got her alone, she eventually decided to believe you, allowing Steve Harrington to live to see another day. It was easy enough, considering that the conversation quickly pivoted to the fact that Robin had spent the night at Vickie’s. She just blushed, punched you in the arm, and grumbled something about minding your business as she stalked back to the kitchen.

No, things weren’t back to normal. Yes, you and Steve resumed your arrangement, going out to nice dinners, having (incredible) sex after, and continuing your payments. He even gave you back the earrings you had purposely left back at his place the morning you had stormed out, despite your insistence that they were far too opulent. But, he was persistent, and they now sat on your nightstand, glimmering even in the dimmest light.

But, there was something new now. It was unspoken, barely tangible. For all you knew, the feeling was one-sided. But, Steve had shared this personal, vulnerable side of himself with you. You knew far more about him than you ever had before, and more often than not, you couldn’t help but notice the air of melancholy that followed him at all times, subtle yet unshakeable. And, you had shown him more of yourself than you had intended, too. You could be stubborn, and spiteful, and would much rather throw up walls and run than face the possibility of putting yourself in a position to be abandoned. Your immediate jump to a conclusion about Steve’s marriage, and your reaction after, was enough to prove that. He had seen this ugly, not-so-reasonable side of you. But he had come back anyway, and he continued to take care of you in every sense that he had been before.

A few weeks later, he texted you in the morning like he often did:

Hey there - are you free tonight at 7?

You found yourself smiling at the message, only to immediately catch it and stop. You responded:

yep - ill be ready for you

He responded almost immediately:

Perfect. I’ll see you then - maybe wear the necklace I gave you, that first one? I like seeing you in it.

You felt your face heat, the novelty of him telling you what he liked to see you wear still not completely worn off. You felt yourself smirking as you sent back:

anything for you daddy

You saw him start typing. Then stop. Then start again.

Christ - I’m in a meeting. You’re going to pay for that later.

Still feeling bold, you sent one last message:

i really hope so 😉

That was how you found yourself out to dinner at yet another 5-star restaurant, sipping wine and perusing the menu. You were debating with Steve whether to get appetizers or not when you heard a familiar voice calling your name. You looked up, eyes shooting towards the direction it came from, and immediately smiling when you spotted him.

“Eddie?”

And there he was: Eddie Munson, your dear friend. He had his long curls tied up into a loose bun, his shirt more unbuttoned than buttoned, a camera slung over his shoulder. His tattoos peaked through the rolled-up sleeves and on his collarbone, and you could swear he’d gotten more since the last time you saw him. You practically jumped up out of your seat, giddy as he came right up to the table. You threw your arms around him, pulling him into a warm embrace without a second thought.

“Ciao, bella,” he said endearingly, laughing in your ear. He pulled back, looking you up and down as he continued in Italian, “Look at you! Did you raid a model’s closet, or something?”

You giggled, rolling your eyes.

“Oh, stop - don’t act like you’ve never seen me look nice!”

“You always look nice, sweetheart. It’s been so long!”

“I know!” you said excitedly. “I mean, it’s been crazy so far this summer. I -”

You stopped yourself, then just shrugged.

“It’s been busy, that’s all.”

It was then that you regained awareness of Steve, who stared up at both of you from where he still sat at the table. His brow was furrowed in confusion, and you realized he probably barely caught a word of what you and Eddie had been saying. You caught his eye, and smiled.

“Eddie, this is my - well, uh… this is Steve,” you said in English, gesturing between the two men.

“Steve,” Eddie said warmly, extending his hand. Steve took it, shaking his hand firmly. Taking your queue, he continued in English, “Pleasure to meet you. You’re lucky to know this lady right here, you know.”

You felt yourself blushing, and shook your head vigorously.

“Eddie -”

“I’m just being honest, bella!”

Steve finally spoke up, taking a second to clear his throat.

“I, uh - how do you two know each other?”

“Oh, well, we both are at the university together,” you explained. “Eddie was actually a teaching assistant for an art history class I had to take. It wasn’t exactly my thing, but he really is the reason I passed.”

“Oh, c’mon, you excelled in that class. You’re smart -” Eddie started.

“So… you guys are… friends?” Steve asked tentatively.

“Yes, the dearest of friends,” Eddie answered. “We just don’t get a chance to see each other too much lately, since I finished school.”

“What’re you doing here, anyways?” you asked.

“Oh - the restaurant hired me to take some photos for their website. Pictures of plates of food, the space, ambience, that sort of thing. Not exactly my passion project, but it pays the bills, right?”

“Eddie’s a photographer,” you explained to Steve, turning to glance back at him. “And, well, a musician - his band is great. But, he’s an amazing photographer, a real professional - you should see his stuff!”

“Oh, yeah,” Steve said quietly.

“But, darling,” Eddie started, “you really should model for me again. I swear, these gigs are killing me - I want to shoot something beautiful again!”

You felt the heat creep up into your face even more, and just shook your head.

“Oh, stop it -”

“Model?” Steve asked, sitting up a little straighter.

“Yes!” Eddie said enthusiastically. “Our girl here, she’s a marvel in front of the camera - I used her for so many projects in school, even shot her for my final portfolio. She’s like my - ah, what’s the English word… muse! Yes, my muse.”

“Is that so?” Steve asked slowly.

“He’s exaggerating, I just posed for a few projects he was in a pinch for -” you started.

“And I need to feel passionate like that again. You should come by the studio, seriously, I’d feel alive again -”

“Totally!” you exclaimed. “Text me the address, let me know when you’re working. I’d love to come by!”

“Beautiful,” he said, grinning in the way Eddie always does. “Well, I’ll leave you back to your meal, but it was lovely to see you.”

“Same,” you said, beaming. He leaned forward, leaving a kiss on each cheek, and he set off back behind the bar, setting his camera on a tripod as he returned to work.

You settled back in your seat, smiling to yourself. Steve was just staring at you, his face neutral.

“So, you and him… you’re close?”

You shrugged, bringing your eyes back to the menu.

“Yeah, you can say that. He really helped me with getting a better grasp of Italian, too - you should’ve seen me that first year, I was so lost. He’s a nice guy, right?”

“Yeah,” Steve said quietly. “Seems… friendly.”

For the rest of dinner, Steve was strangely quiet. Not silent, exactly - he still laughed at your jokes, chimed in on the stories you told, and, his breath audibly hitched when your hand found his knee under the table. He paid the bill quickly, both of you simultaneously deciding to book it to the car as fast as you could. He yanked open the door and gestured for you to go in, quickly following and slamming it shut behind him. As the car peeled away from the sidewalk and towards Steve’s apartment, a silence fell between you. The entire ride was silent. When you arrived at Steve’s building, you both exited the car and went upstairs without a word. Something was off - it was enough that you couldn’t really bear it anymore, and once you were through the door, you just blurted it out.

“Is everything okay?”

“Hm? Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

You shrugged.

“It’s just - you’ve been kind of quiet. Something on your mind?”

Steve stood on the other side of the island in the kitchen, arms crossed.

“Eddie,” he mumbled.

You raised an eyebrow, confused. “What about Eddie? Do you know him or something?”

“No, no - but… you do. He just seemed… is there something I don’t know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Were you and him ever… well, you know…”

That’s what this was about? Eddie? You found yourself starting to laugh, palm to your mouth as you shook your head.

“Oh, God no. We’re just friends, and always have been.”

“Someone should tell him that.”

You rolled your eyes. “No, you don’t get it - he’s like that with everyone. He’s just, so… like that. Seriously, he could flirt with a brick wall. And he probably would, to be honest.”

“He was calling you his muse -”

“He’s dramatic like that -”

“And what kinds of pictures was he taking of you, exactly?”

You furrowed your brow, Steve’s face set like stone. Then, realizing what he was implying, you felt your face heat.

“Come on - my clothes were on, if that’s what you’re asking. But, quite frankly, even if something had happened between me and Eddie, it’s not really any of your business.”

His face faltered for a moment, and you realized you had struck a nerve. You sighed, pressing your hand to your forehead.

“I just mean that… you don’t have anything to worry about, okay? He’s just a friend.”

Steve’s jaw clenched, and he nodded.

“Okay.”

Part of you was pissed off that this conversation was even happening. But another part of you was thrilled. The thought of Steve actually being jealous… It was new. It was exciting. And, you couldn’t deny the way the thought of him being worked up like this, and just a bit possessive, over you… your heart fluttered in your chest. So, you just smiled slyly, taking a step towards him.

“It seems like someone’s jealous,” you murmured.

“I’m not -”

“Yeah you are,” you said, now nearly face-to-face with him. “Does it piss you off? The idea of me and Eddie? Do you think about him… touching me? Me screaming his name? You must’ve thought about it, right?”

You noted how his hands were clenched into fists at his side, and you smirked. You were close enough that your noses were nearly brushing, and you could practically feel the heat radiating off of him.

“I don’t get jealous,” he whispered. “I don’t do that.”

“Prove it,” you said.

Then, he was on you, crashing his lips into yours. He was desperate, greedy, taking your face in his hands as he kissed you like it was the last thing you’d ever do. It was a blur after that - stumbling into his bedroom, shedding clothing on the way. He held your shoulders, keeping you in place just where he wanted you, practically manhandling you as he posed you towards the mattress. You had to do everything you could to suppress your grin - a lot of the time, you were in control, Steve moldable like clay in your hands. But this side of him… it was thrilling.

“Here’s what you’re going to do,” he practically growled, hovering over you. “You’re going to do everything I say. You’re going to lie there, and when I’m done, you’re going to cum three times, at least, got it? Just so you don’t go thinking anyone else can do this for you, baby - just me. Got it?”

Your stomach flipped, and you nodded. His eyes were dark, and part of you wondered where this version of Steve had been hiding this whole time. Maybe you needed to piss him off more often.

“Yes,” you breathed.

“Yes what?”

“Yes… yes, daddy.”

That was enough to get him going. He practically pounced, kissing you fast and hard, and perhaps a little messily. He worked his way down your body, practically tearing off your bra like it was some horrid contraption meant to keep you from him. Your back arched as he took one breast in his mouth, the other in his hand, massaging it and flicking over your hardened nipple. You gasped, threading your fingers in his hair.

“Could just touch these tits all day, baby,” he whispered into your skin. “Really could… but you want something else, don’t you.”

You bit your lip and nodded, watching as he pressed open-mouthed kisses into your skin, making his way down your navel, your hips, and then skipping where you wanted him, opting to ghost his lips over your inner thighs instead. You groaned in frustration, hips bucking as he continued to take his time.

“Patience, baby,” he breathed.

He brought his hand to your center, running his thumb along your slit until it was coated in your slick.

“Look at you, already so wet for me, and I’ve hardly touched you. Were you thinking about me, already worked up before you even got here?”

You pinched your brow, nodding as he brushed the pad of his thumb over your clit, a barely-there touch. You shivered, practically whining his name.

“What’s that, baby?” he asked sweetly.

“Fuck - touch me, for god’s sake -”

“I am touching you -”

“You know what I mean!”

“Not sure I do,” he said coyly, coating more of his fingers in your wetness, still avoiding where you wanted him most. You groaned, realizing you’d have to play into his game to get what you wanted.

“Fuck me with your fingers Steve, please -”

And he does, easily plunging two fingers into your cunt without a moment’s hesitation. You gasped, throwing your head back as his thumb found your clit. He rubbed deep, slow circles, pumping his fingers along your walls. Your hips involuntarily bucked as he brushed against that one spot inside of your, knowing your body by now like the back of his hand. You were already close, worked up far too quickly to the point that it was embarrassing.

“Fuck, you’re already squeezin’ me, baby. Are you close? That’s so fast, princess. You’re such a good girl, fucking yourself on my fingers. Can you scream my name while you cum? Are you able to do that?”

Instead of answering, you fisted the sheets, hips moving with his hand as you chased your high. It hit you out of nowhere, the heat pooling between your thighs and spreading through you, blissful and rapid.

“Fuck, Steve - fuck, I’m coming, shit, Steve, it’s so good -”

He just hummed approvingly, pulling his fingers out of you. You huffed in frustration, still mid-orgasm, your cunt clenching around nothing.

“What the -”

Then the words caught in your throat, because he dove in, pressing his tongue against your still-sensitive clit. You were still coming down from your high, and he hardly gave you a moment to breathe. He worked you through the rest of your orgasm with his tongue. But, he didn’t stop. He continued, lapping at your pussy while you twitched and convulsed. You were too sensitive, tears stinging your eyes at the overstimulation.

“Oh, fuck - oh my God, Steve -”

You reached down to where he was settled between your legs, gripping his hair. You tugged perhaps a bit too hard, and he just groaned in response. He groans as you tug on the brunette strands, arching your back with the movements of his tongue. You planted your feet into the mattress, moaning as his tongue circled your clit.

You weren’t even sure if you had ever stopped coming, the reprieve from your orgasm moments ago practically nonexistent. Your legs were shaking, and you were screaming, maybe the loudest you ever had in bed. The words were tumbling out of your mouth, because it was too much, it was everything, your mind going numb.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck - Steve, god, just like that - it’s so good, it’s too much, I’m gonna cum again - oh fuck -I”

It took one more circle of his tongue over your clit, and you were done for - your back arched enough that your head came off the pillow,his name on your lips as you screamed, tugging harshly on his hair as you saw stars behind your eyelids.

He continued to work you through your orgasm, hands placed firmly on your hips as he licked lazily at your folds, pressing deep thumbprints into your skin that you knew would leave bruises.

You felt tears running down your cheeks, your entire lower body still shaking as he brought his face back up to yours. His mouth and chin were glossy, his grin devil-like.

“What a good girl,” he whispered. “Was that good?”

“Mm,” you murmured, hardly able to find the words. “So good, thank you.”

“Can you do another?” he asked, dropping the mask for a moment - you considered for a moment. You reached down and ran a finger over your clit, wet and puffy, wincing slightly at the stimulation. But you just bit your lip as you looked up at him.

“I promised you three, sir,” you breathed. “I’m gonna cum three times, just like you asked.”

His eyes darkened, and he grinned wickedly.

“You’re somethin’ else, you know that?”

“How do you want me?” you asked, propping yourself up on your elbows. He thought for a moment, then glanced over his shoulder.

“Up against the glass,” he said, voice low and rough.

You followed his gaze to the massive floor-to-ceiling windows, overlooking the whole city. Your eyes widened, your heart nearly skipping a beat.

“Yeah?” you asked sweetly. “You gonna fuck me so everyone can see?”

“The whole fuckin’ city, baby.”

You were on your feet in an instant, bounding over to the window. You pressed your back against it, the cool glass seeping into your skin as he stalked towards you, unbuckling his belt. He was practically fully dressed still, in stark contrast to how you stood bare before him. You realized then and there that he intended to keep it that way - he was going to fuck you fully clothed, still in his suit from dinner.

“Turn around,” he said.

Oh.

You nodded, doing as he said. You felt him behind you, his breath against your ear.

“You’re fuckin’ dripping - got you nice and ready for me.”

“Anything for you, sir,” you whispered, casting a glance at him over your shoulder. “Do your worst.”

And he did. Without warning, he entered you from behind in one rough push, making your gasp and mewl around him.

“Fuck,” he groaned, hips snapping against your ass. “That’s it, baby - you can take it, can’t you?”

“Yes,” you breathed, “fuck me, please -”

And he did, pounding into you hard and fast. You cried out, palms pushed against the window. Your breasts brushed the cool glass, and he picked up the pace. You squeezed around his cock for good measure, knowing that you were practically soaking it. He pressed his face into your shoulder, lips against your skin.

“So good for me, baby - letting me fuck you, after all that? Who else makes you feel this good?”

“Nobody?” you sighed.

“What was that?”

“Nobody. Just you.”

“Damn right,” he said, voice cracking. “This pussy is mine - I can’t wait to cum in it, what a good girl - my princess, my baby, so good for me. Can you cum again? Can you do that?”

You nodded weakly, following his movements as you threw your ass against his hips. He had never taken you from behind before, and the new angle was enough to nearly send you over the edge. There was something so primal about it, so thrilling - the image of him thrusting into you from behind, your naked form pressed against the glass. Rome sprawled before you, and though you were too high for anyone to actually see you, part of you liked to imagine that they could, any passerby on the street able to see Steve Harrington fucking your brains out.

“You should see yourself, all fucked out on my cock like this - are you close again? Are you gonna cum?” he breathed, skin slapping against yours. You reached down, rubbing fast circles on your clit to help get you to your peak.

“Yes, oh god, yes - fuck, Steve - daddy - fill me up, please, harder. Fuck your little girl, let everyone see, please -”

And that was it for him. He let out a guttural groan, his spend filling you up as he came. He thrust into you a few more times, and you clenched around him as you followed, coming with a cry. You threw your head over his shoulder, shaking and clenching on his cock as you came for the third time that night. It was white-hot, devastating, the scream you let out feeling like it was ripped form your fucking soul. You had had a lot of orgasms with Steve, him drawing feelings out of you in bed that you had never had before. But this - there had never been anything like it.

As you both stood there in silence, his cock still buried in you while you breathed heavily in unison, you knew two things for certain: first, you needed to get Steve jealous far more often. And second - he had completely, utterly, ruined you for anyone else. You tried your best to ignore the terror that set in with that thought, and kissed his shoulder instead, holding onto the bliss for as long as you could.

author's note: I know the wait was long for this, so thanks for sticking around! It's also barely proofread, so if there's mistakes... just act like you didn't see them. As always, shoutout to Em for fueling the fic, and getting me to actually write. Reblogs and comments are always appreciated!

789 notes · View notes

h8ani · 4 months

Text

You don't mean to hold onto the past but, you do. You hold onto him with every piece of you and you're only going to hurt others in the process.

Takashi Mitsuya x Reader

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings: nsfw, female reader, non-canon events, reader deals with grief, major character death, descriptions of a dead body, mentions of blood, mentions of a panic attack, unprotected sex, hurt & no comfort

Here is my entry for @bioticlaw TUN collab! I don't know why I choose sadness and angst but I hope anyone who reads this enjoys what I wrote! I tried my hardest with this one :')

taglist: @kkittycries @blackfire2013 @benkeibear @suyacho @shujistars

join my taglist -> here

Grief: (noun) deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.

Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died. Death is the tragedy in the young, too many opportunities and experiences cut short. There’s a different kind of mourning you feel when someone you love dies young, you’re angry; the unfairness in the world makes you want to scream and cry, all the lost occasions and celebrations you’ll never get with your person. It’s different when they never get to grow old with you, getting to have the same initiations in life that you had to go through; the heartbreaks, the ceremonies, all the celebratory times in one’s life all cut too short by the angel of death himself. Death is a right of passage for the elderly, the old have lived their lives fully, looking back on the memories that they made because they had a full life to live, a life they had lived absolutely.

The death in your life was one no person should have to endure. The loss of your one true love; Ken Ryuguji. The sorrow you feel should be a testament to the love you had, the pain stands as a witness of your bond with him and how it still survives even when time has spent since his passing.

Ken was a true gem, a diamond in the rough of the people in your life. He was a protector by nature when it came to you, always shielding you from danger since you two were young, it continued even after you two grew up from little kids to young adults although by then you were able to defend yourself without needing his presence. It’s a shame you were never able to do the same for him.

The memories of seeing him were ones engraved in your mind, the blood that pooled around his cold, lifeless body still haunts every aspect of your being. Most nights you cry yourself to sleep, the recollections of that unforgettable night being the only thing you’re able to think of when the moon shines brightly through your window, the darkness of the night mirroring just how you felt inside most days. No matter what you do to stop them, the tears continue to flow.

You wish you could think of the happy memories, lord knows there were plenty of them to blur out the bad. Your favorite memories hazily glow in the glum thoughts, the light trying to brighten but eventually being downcast into the murkiness of your heartbreak. You still think back to when you’d be on the back of his bike – your arms wrapped tightly around his waist as the bike was revved up and exceeded speeds that weren’t legal in any way but you didn’t care. You could’ve driven for hours and ended up who knows where and you wouldn’t care. You would’ve been content just being with Ken forever.

But forever doesn’t exist.

The suffering you endure from the memories of that very night – it’s like razor blades filled inside one of the many stuffed animals he had given you throughout the years, the more you clung to them the deeper the cuts go, and no chance in healing as you embed them deeper and deeper.

You gasp aloud, body shooting up in a frenzy as you look around, the heavy comforter that was once draped over you was now kicked down and bunched down at your feet. Your throat constricted against itself as you tried to heave as much air in your lungs as possible. The room was spinning even when the darkness surrounded you with no form of light peeking out anywhere. You squeezed your eyes shut, the tears that had already been welling up fell down your cheeks now. You’re so focused on catching your breath and centering yourself that you don’t hear the calling of your name from beside you, the low buzz in your ears greater than his voice could reach.

You feel a gentle hand on your back, the slow movements of his hand seemingly calming you down in a matter of seconds. “Sorry…” you mutter out, voice hoarse and quiet, you glance over to see your boyfriend, a worried expression etched all over his face.

“No apologies tonight, okay?” Mitsuya says as he sees your broken figure, he pulls you closer to him as he lays you both back into the bed. Your head rests against his shoulder while he continues to rub small circles along your back. A shaky sigh escapes your lips as you melt into him feeling the tingle in your body slowly dissipate while you calm down.

Mitsuya knew what he was getting into when he finally decided to approach you, he had known you since you both were kids; being introduced to each other by Draken himself, he also knew of the relationship that you and Draken had, Mistuya was also the one who realized that you were the unlucky soul who found Draken’s body, but how could you not when you were pinged the location.

It was something out of a movie, a horror movie that no one should have to live through. Mitsuya remembers hearing that you found Draken’s body but when you opened up enough to tell him the events that happened that very night a shiver ran through his spine.

You rushed through the story when trying to talk to him about it, tears pricking your eyes because you were so tired of crying and just wanted to stop. When you finally got to the part that took an eerily chill turn Mitsuya could feel his own throat start to contract, the bile in his throat slowly rising up. You got the location ping from Draken himself, it was a random spot, an area behind a field that was frequently packed during the summer when little league would be in full swing, but you knew it. You went to go meet him, confused as to why he was so M.I.A during the day and why he didn’t tell you about the reason for this random location drop. You finally saw him, lying in a patch of grass staring up at the stars until realizing what you were actually looking at.

Draken was dead.

His face looked peaceful but the torn, dirty clothes he was wearing said differently. The grass was stained red around him and it dragged on as if his body was moved. Days later you found out that he had been dead for hours prior to getting the location ping that was sent to your phone, a silent yet deafening message being sent to you.

Mitsuya listened to everything, seeing how you were when reiterating the story to him, watching how you fidgeted and struggled to finish the story towards the end. You were never the same after that, the lasting effects of witnessing and living through something so traumatizing was something you dealt with on a daily basis. You told him that the first few months you had nightmares every night, some so bad that you forced yourself to stay awake for days on end which only made you incoherent at work. Therapy was something you now go to three times a week, it does help but he sees the anger behind your eyes when you say you shouldn’t need it.

You were closed off when Mitsuya came to you, another result of what you had been through. He remembers vividly of your warnings to him, you were so adamant on telling him that you weren’t the same girl he once knew, you couldn’t be. If you could’ve given him a powerpoint presentation as to why he shouldn’t be with you, you would have if you were given the time. But he didn’t care, he just smiled that same comforting smile he’s always had at you just waiting on you to finish the 15th reason as to why he’d be better off with someone else.

The look on your face when he just waited for you to finish and proceed to ask you out on a date was something he cherished, the little gap your lips made in astonishment and wide eyes was something to snicker at. He was going to be the one to break down this concrete wall you had built up.

Days turned into weeks which turned to months and here you were, almost a year together and if you were being completely honest you were surprised. You didn’t expect a relationship to come from him, but when it did, the guilt that started to eat away at you displayed so vividly that you were so sure that he was going to cut and run at the earliest convenience, but he stayed, he kept his feet planted firmly down and promised to help you, he told you that you weren’t alone in this and for the first time in a long time you didn’t feel alone.

Mitsuya was never a rebound to you, you never wanted him to be just someone to take up the space that Ken once filled up, you don’t think that anyone could truly do that. Being with Mitsuya you learned that it’s okay to keep ahold of those memories you held so close when it came to Ken, that still loving Ken was okay even if you were now with Mitsuya. With the relationship you now had it was easier than you had expected because he had seen all of you, all of your troubles and hardships, and what you needed. There were no points of uncertainty because he was there to help you through it all. If that’s the secret to the strong bond and how it formed so fast for you two you’d be happy to say it aloud and shout it from the rooftops, although you still have your troubles it’s easier to talk to someone who isn’t being paid to listen.

Despite the fact that your relationship with him wasn’t always like this and your feelings for Mitsuya were more of a slow agonizing burn than something that blossomed like a beautiful flower in the springtime. Your feelings crept up slowly, once treating him like a foreign object that was protruding into you deeper and deeper until you felt the ache subside, you caught yourself waiting on his calls, always happening around the same time, and just like clockwork you let it ring three times before answering. You started to miss his absence and sweet words, always knowing what calms you down when you’re more anxious about the world around you. You genuinely liked him, although the thoughts of uncertainty always loomed in the back of your mind. The guilt eats you away in random moments of the day, when you feel content it hits harder than you’d like. Would Ken be upset with you? This was his friend, his close friend to be exact and it felt wrong. Continuing on with life was something you needed to do, you had to keep going on, so why did you still feel this way? Was it too soon to move on? Should you have stayed alone and dealt with this all yourself rather than finding solace in another person? Was it fair for you to find happiness while Ken couldn’t feel anything anymore? He was gone, dead and buried yet here you are alive and tormented by nothing but the thoughts of him and what could’ve been.

“We’ll get through this.” Mitsuya’s voice brings you back to him, his voice was as quiet as a whisper but came through so loud in your head. He always has a way of bringing you back down. Your throat still hurt and you could still feel the drum of your heart pounding against your chest. “We’ll get past this.”

Past this… Past Ken… God, if only he was still here. You wouldn’t be like this, you wouldn’t be in pain and constantly having a battle within yourself, you wouldn’t be–

“I love you.” Mitsuya’s voice cut in.

Suddenly everything stopped; time, sound, your breathing. The words that left his lips danced around in the atmosphere circling around you both. You raise your head and look at him, lavender eyes wide open as he stares right back at you. He’s terrified, the silence in the air making him more nervous than he’d like to be.

It slipped, of course he feels that way but he didn’t want to say it until he was absolutely sure you felt the same. A childlike way of going about things but who could blame him when you looked the way you did right now, you were stunned, you might as well have been hit with a stun gun with the way you seemed to be frozen just from three simple words that carried so much weight to them and worry was now creeping up on him, God knows you’ve tried pushing him away before but now this just might be the final blow to send you running away from him for good.

“Say it again.” You speak up, albeit quietly and unsure of the words that you had just heard but still understood by Mitsuya.

He swallows down the fear that creeps up his throat, the look he gives you is uncommon yet raw, shifting to face you more, his hand grazes up your arm until it rests against your cheek, and his thumb brushes against the soft skin as he takes a deep needed breath. “I love you–”

Mitsuya felt your lips on him before he could finish let alone process what was happening. Your eyes squeezed together tight and hands squeezed around his wrist even tighter. If a single kiss could condense a million thoughts and promises in one, this would be it. He kisses you back, lips forming against yours and bleeding all the passion between the words he said to you behind it. Your lips were warm and soft against his which was a stark contrast to your bodies, his was cold to the touch; chest pricked with goosebumps as your warm hands roamed over him. He snaked an arm around you quickly tugging you closer all while shifting to hover over you. You feel his weight bare more on top of you, one hand holding himself up as his other slides under your shirt just enough to feel your skin against his.

Your skin felt like a million fireworks were being set off on top of it, the way his hand set them off in an instant made you feel so many things: excitement, regret, acceptance, guilt.

The thought of Ken slips into your mind. Of all times to be here, you thought. You were always so shy with him, the memories of your first time flooded in like a dam that had finally burst. His face; rosy cheeks and the beads of sweat that graced his body, he was praising you the entire time, telling you how good you were doing and how beautiful you looked under his body. His hands; how strong they were when you finally switched positions, he so easily lifted you up and brought you back down his cock with such ease. And his mouth; the way he effortlessly spewed such filth on top of the sweet and loving words he’d call you. And his-

You shake those thoughts away, needing wanting to focus on the man in front of you.

Your hands find their way to his hair, fingers grazing the side where his tattoo stays hidden. Strong hands find place at your waist and soon fingers dexterously hook into the waistband of your bottoms and tug them down.

He wishes he could take his time with you, wanting to go as slow as he can to savor this moment, but the way he’s tugging your top off and pulling his sweats down he can’t help it. Your hands move quickly as well, tugging at his boxers with a slight tremor. Nerves running rampant at this very moment, you want this, you need this with him. You want to get this right.

You’re both so sweaty as his cock is thrusted back into you continuously. The oversensitivity for how long you two have been going is catching up to you and tears well up in your eyeline ready to fall. Just a little more and you’ll get there, teetering on the edge of ecstasy and falling back down to losing your high.

Mitsuya’s thrusts weren’t rough but were just enough to pull the small whimpers from you. His hands were on your hips pushing you deeper into the mattress with every thrust that kissed your walls, it was needy, the way your legs hooked behind him pulling him deeper and deeper just chasing that high you couldn’t reach. Your brows furrowed in frustration and he saw that, he saw how you’ve been trying for so long just to finally cum. His thumb pressed into your clit rubbing small, quick circles to help you but that barely did anything.

Your walls fluttered around him for the nth time that night but almost like a mental block you don’t reach your peak, your walls stop gripping around him while a pout forms on your face and a huffed out sigh that was quietly heard. You couldn’t get yourself to finish.

Mitsuya swallows thickly as the words he’s about to say cause a deep churn in his stomach. “If you need to say…” he swallows them down, hips slowing down in the process yet still flush against yours, “his name. If that makes all of this easier for you, then say it.”

You snap your head up to look at him. Disbelief filling your brain from the words he just said. His name. Say Ken’s name…

“Takashi-”

“It’s fine-fuck.” He groans, his hips slowly pulling out until just the tip then slowly thrusts back in, a certain fervor behind it that makes your ears ring. His pace picks up, the shallow sound of his hips meeting yours until another groan leaves him. “You need this.”

He leans down and his lips latch onto the sweet spot to your neck, licking a stripe up until you visibly shiver. Your arms hook under his own, holding him tight against your chest. His own groans of pleasure in your ear spurring you on further.

You squeeze your eyes shut, tears finally falling past your waterline as you allow yourself to think about him, bringing those thoughts you so desperately tried pushing away earlier this night. You think about how Ken would grab you, hold you, kiss you, touch you. Imagining that he was the one to touch you now, cock buried deep within your walls and groaning from how tight you squeeze him. If you thought hard enough Mitsuya’s voice melded into his, the same deep vibrato you loved to hear, especially in the morning. Mitsuya’s cock buried in you soon blended in your thoughts of Ken, finally feeling as if it was Ken who was fucking you.

His name slips out of your lips before you realize what you’re doing, a gasp rips from you as you open your eyes wide. You meet Mitsuya’s pretty purple eyes that are already staring down at you. You couldn’t decipher what it was; he had a different appearance behind his eyes. “Again.” He says before thrusting into you harder, each thrust of his soon becoming rougher than the last and hitting all the sensitive spots inside that make you choke on your own moans.

“Fuck…Ken.” You moan his name, this time a bit louder than the last. You clench down tighter than you have for the night, you were so close, Mitsuya could tell from the glossy look you had.

“Come on baby, cum for me.” His voice was desperate, he needed you to cum, he needed to feel you unravel underneath him even if it wasn’t him who you had on your mind.

He leans down to press a soft kiss to your forehead, hips slamming in rougher that had you squealing out. His tip hitting deeper the harder he fucks up into you. You look up at him seeing that his eyes never left yours. “I love you.” is all you utter before finally crashing down. Body shaking as you orgasm, Mitsuya’s hips sputter as your own orgasm causes his, a flurry of curse words leaving his lips as he paints your walls with his cum.

It’s silent in the aftermath, just the sounds of heavy breathing from the both of you and the sound of the blankets shuffling as he pulls out, laying beside you.

You both are at a loss for words, how has someone as pure hearted as Mitsuya lasted this long in a world so cold and fucked up? How did he end up with you? Were you also just the last string left he had left of Draken? Had his feelings been blinded by the pain he felt from losing him? How did you end up with someone so kind and understanding? Knowing no one else in this world would have the patience that he has had for you. How did a once calm night turn into tension that couldn’t be cut with the sharpest blade?

You really fucked up this time, you both think to yourselves.

Eventually, Mitsuya turns to flick the bedside lamp off, soon enveloping you in the darkness that you felt was your heart. You felt the blankets now cover you as you were pulled into him, the warmth of his body and his arm holding you tight allowing you to feel relieved in some way, you still felt cold inside, nonetheless. A sigh leaves both of your chests while you close your eyes and let the darkness take over.

The last thought before falling asleep was of Ken.

Oh, how you missed him.

If only it really was him.

networks: @enchantedforest-network @bitchcraftinc @ghostqueue

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spliffymae · 1 year

Text

WRITTEN OFF.

synopsis: you know, there’s a reason the famous saying is “absence makes the heart grow fonder”

⚠️ swearing, mentions of cheating, smut, car sex, the words “cock”, “panties” and “pussy” are used here lmao. minors dni 18+ !

kio’s notes - THIS IS THE FINAL PART. this was also my 100th post 🥹

pts. 1 , 2 , 3 , 4

now playing

⊱ ──────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.}──────── ⊰

you were quiet on the drive to your house, toji even worrying about you. the makeup you spent hours on had run from your tears. you didn’t bother wiping it, you just sat with your head against the window and accepted it.

instead of turning to your street, toji continued to drive past. you noticed and sat up. “you missed the turn.” you said softly, looking at the side of your ex’s face. but he didn’t seem to care.

“toji….my house—”

“going to mine.” he mumbled. he knew megumi and rin had long left, and he wanted to reconcile tonight without the pressure of the kids, and the possibility megumi could hear you two.

you took a deep breath, “toji, i agreed for you to drive me home. your house is not my home.”

“(y/n), megumi is sixteen right now. do you know how old he was when you first watched him?…nine. we started dating when he was ten. i proposed to you when he was thirteen, and—.”

“cheated when he was 16.” you added a bitter chuckle, “s’that where you were going with that bit?”

toji couldn’t take it anymore!

as if an instinct, a reflex, he jerked the car off the road and pulled over on the shoulder, startling you. “what the fuck!”

he didn’t say anything. he cut the engine and turned his attention to you, leaning over the cars console to be closer. “i am sick of this! sick of your attitude, of this separation, of this disconnect. you are my wife, (y/n). and we are going to work this out because i cannot lose you, okay? i won’t lose you. i know you want to, i see it when you look at me. yeah, you hate me and want me away, but i see the part of you that craves me, our family back together. so let’s work on it. let me prove i can be who you need me to be, who you want me to be.”

it was quiet. you were processing. toji rarely spoke like this, at most you saw this side of him after sex. this softer side. “(y/n)…” toji put his hand on your thigh, getting your leg to tense up from his touch. you bit back the sob that tried to crawl it’s way out your mouth. you had new tears running down your cheeks, trying your best to blink them away. how his touch was able to bring you to tears, you don’t know. but it was a mix of emotions: happy to feel his warmth back on your body; sad to know you weren’t as over him as you thought; pissed to know he probably touched the other woman like this.

his other hand stretched over to cup your cheek and turn your head to him. you didn’t look at him, you stared at his hand on your thigh. “mama, i’m so sorry.” his voice was shaky, and that made you finally look up to see he had the glossiest of eyes.

he was sober enough to drive—he had driven home in worse conditions then two and a half mugs of beer, but his emotions were all over the place. you always had a way of bringing out his vulnerability. and while usually he would wait ‘til after you two climaxed to relish in his feelings with you, his tears burned his eyes now. you hadn’t seen him cry since rin’s birth, but seeing you this way and knowing he was the cause was cracking his guilt ridden heart.

he pulled your head to him and as your foreheads touched, he realized you were allowing him to touch you. to be closer to you. “i meant when i said i hate you. i want you to feel every burning pain i felt in my heart.” you were angry, your voice was shaky, and you glared at him as if he were the last person you’d want to be with. and quite frankly, he was. “i want to break you the way you broke me.”

toji let out a nervous sigh. he didn’t remove himself from you, though. “and the most annoying thing is i can’t.” you shrugged in defeat, a watery smile on your face. “i can’t bring myself to hurt you that way because no one deserves that. and i know now that i didn’t deserve that.” you sniffled, “i was everything you needed me to be. i gave you everything, fushiguro.”

his thumb swipes at the tear stains on your cheek, gently wiping them away. he gave you a peck on your lips. it was one that turned to two, and then three. he prompted you to kiss him back, but you held your ground.

until he began to lead his kisses from your lips to your jaw. you instinctively tilted your head so he had more space to kiss you. his eyes shone with hope at your action. “you were and you didn’t deserve it, baby. m’so sorry. just…break me back, (y/n). i don’t care, do whatever you gotta do to me so that i can have you back. i need my family back.”

things changed quick. toji grabbed your thigh possessively, earning a whimper from you. a sound he hadn’t heard in months, and one that had his dick twitch in his boxers. his lips left wet kisses along your neck as his hands explored your body. he unbuckled your seatbelt and gripped at your waist, “c’mere, mama. needa feel you again.”

there was a war going on in your body. a war between your mind, heart, and pussy. your mind was against this ordeal, hated how his hands felt on you. but your heart loved it. it melted at his touch and kisses. and your pussy? ol’ girl was dripping for toji, wanting to feel him back inside you again. it has been so long since you last took care of your sexual needs. you weren’t looking for casual flings, and it was difficult to have when you were devoting all your time to being a single mother. alas, it was two to one, and you let the majority win as you kicked off your heels and moved to sit in his lap. your mind would get you back tomorrow, but for now you didn’t care.

“my beautiful wife. missed ya s’much baby.” the fat of your ass was squished in his big palms, his grip earning a hiss from you. he stopped his feverish kisses to nuzzle into the crook of your neck and smell the familiar cinnamon vanilla scent of your body wash and matching lotion. a scent he longed to have back on his clothes.

his hands fiddled with the hem of your dress, fingers dipping in to graze your inner thighs. “toji please.” you pleaded.

“what do you want, ma? you can have anything you want, so tell me.” his finger poked at your clit through your panties and a shiver rolled up your spine.

“you, toji. just gimme you.” you cupped his face, tilting his head up to connect your lips in a kiss. you hadn’t kissed him months, his taste having left your brain.

but nothing about you left toji’s. not the way you would kiss him like it hurt, like you wanted to transfer all your feelings onto him. or the way you bit his bottom lip as you pulled back from him, or the way you would whimper and paw at his aching cock through his pants. he could never forget how desperate you became when turned on; how your hand reached down to the control that would push his seat all the way back and give you better room to straddle him. you had fucked in this car many times, many nights and even days. so all this was like muscle memory for you two.

toji’s hand went under your dress to your panties, to feel the silk material against his fingertips and snarl. “ya wore this f’him, hm? my favorite dress and your good panties…for that pink-haired lil’ fuck?”

he pushed your panties to the side, fingers immediately dipping into your warm pussy to fondle it. it had been so long since he last touched you like this—since he touched anyone. after the separation he took interest in no one other than you, something he kicked himself for not doing that dreadful night.

“i-is this,” you swallowed the lump in your throat as he worked your clit between his index and middle finger. “is this what you did…with her?” you choke out, just as his two fingers pushed into your pussy.

“ah—.” you hissed, grabbing at his shoulder. you couldn’t help to ask, and you knew it’d make him angry…but how could you not? yeah, the woman means nothing to toji, meant nothing to toji in comparison to you.

but what toji failed to realize up until this point was she meant everything to you. she was the one he seeked pleasure in, a comfort he no longer found with you. she was the one that—even if just for a moment, made him forget all about you and his family. so yeah, while toji couldn’t even remember her name, you were haunted, with her in your memory for what felt like eternity.

he stopped his movements and leaned back away from you. his answer to this question would make or break this reunion you two had going on. he could see how your eyes held desperation. practically pleading for him to tell you to your face.

“i told you, she only sucked my dick, baby. i wore a condom too and just fucked her face to get out my frustrations wit’chu s’all. wouldn’t think about fucking someone else. not when i have you. only one i want to be with like that, ‘kay? only one for me.“

and you nodded. you felt slight relief he didn’t have full blown sex. in some twisted way it seemed to ease the pain a bit. but toji knew that it was wrong to downplay what he did that night, but he knew admitting to his infidelity would destroy you. and he refused to do that after he just got you back. so as far as you needed to know, all he did was get head.

you let out a nervous sigh before your hands fiddled with his belt buckle. “don’t wanna wait. just need you to fuck me.” you mumbled as your hand slid into his boxers and gripped his cock. you had forgotten how thick he was, your hand just barely wrapping around him. toji hissed at your touch.

“i need to prep you, baby, you know this. you’ll get hurt.” he tried to stop you as you pulled out his dick but you slapped his hand away. he had lifted his hips and pulled his pants and boxers down a bit so he could be properly free.

you said nothing as a response. no, words weren’t enough to show him how much you didn’t care. you instead looked at the way his dick was against his covered abs. how the thick vein that ran along his shaft was on full display. you took it in in your hands and lowered your head.

toji’s mouth fell open at the globs of saliva you spat directly on the head of his cock. his toes curled at the way you twisted your hand around him, spreading your spit and properly lubing him up. “m’already hurt.” you mumbled more-so to yourself as you fidgeted around and positioned him at your entrance. he knew what you meant, and fuck, did it kill him to hear.

toji stared at you with low eyes, licking the scar on his lip when he felt you glide the mushroom head between your folds. he could hear the noise it made as it slid to your clit, and he bucked up to nudge it, earning a quiet whimper from you.

“c’mon pretty,” he sat up to bury his face in your neck. the smell was intoxicating, and he was slowly kissing and sucking your neck as a means to almost taste it. to taste you. “let me be in my sweet girl again, my beautiful wife.”

there would be moments between you and toji, where the roles seemed to flip for a minute. he normally called the shots in the bedroom but you would get control from time to time. it wouldn’t be for long, but he loved when the moment came. you were so demanding it made him almost consider becoming a switch. almost.

you kept your eyes on him and hand around his neck as you slid down slowly. there was a slight burn felt as you adjusted to his size. your pussy had forgotten just how big he was. it wasn’t a discomfort though. you were grinning through the pain, your tongue gliding across your teeth.

“shit, mama. forgot how much this little cunt loves to squeeze me.” he spoke through gritted teeth. he bit his lip to hold back the moan he wanted to let out as you squeezed the side of his neck.

when he bottomed out, toji’s fist hit his side of the car, “fuck.” he hissed. he bunches up the bottom of your dress, pushing it up to be around your stomach so he could watch your pussy take him in. he let you have your control for about five minutes, but when he sensed you slowing down he reached out to wrap a large hand around your neck.

he pulled you to his lips, the most sloppiest of kisses being shared between the two of you. he began to thrust up into you, his pace fast and creating sounds that filled the car.

“toji—.” you cried, tears pricking the end corners of your eyes as you sucked on your bottom lip. toji had a devilish smirk on his face. “oh my goddd, you feel so good, baby.” you were a breathless mess. his hands had a firm grip on your hips and moved you to match his thrusts.

“take your tits out, mama. need ‘em now.” he panted against your ear, biting your earlobe after. you did as told, pulling down the straps of your dress and pulling it off your breasts, holding one of your titties to his mouth.

“look at em. so fucking fat.” he breathed out with a smile. he knew breastfeeding would make your breasts bigger—hell they were big prior to him knocking you up, but it had been so long since he last saw you like this. the pillowy mounds before him were getting his mouth to water. his tongue dampened his lips before he wrapped them around your nipple with a grunt of satisfaction.

“o-oh my god, tojiii!” you threw your head back, cradling his head in your hold as his tongue flicked your hardened bud. he was like a man starved, forced to go without what he longed for the most. he couldn’t get enough of you. not your taste, definitely not the way you had an almost vice grip on his dick and his heart.

“oh fuck, (y/n). just like that baby.” his voice was muffled against your chest, but from the way he started to get off-beat with his thrusts, you could feel he was close.

“can i come in you, hm? let me remind her how much she missed having me dripping outta her, down your legs? pleaseee, mama. let me fill you back up.” he was begging like a bitch, something you rarely witnessed, but something that never failed to bring you to an earth shattering orgasm.

“ oh shit!—toji m’cummin.” your tits bounced in his face as he randomly placed kissed along your chest and shoulders. he had wrapped his arms around you and leaned back in the seat, taking over fully and delivering the hardest thrusts to your sopping cunt.

you screamed, nails digging into his jaw and mouth opened against his own. you couldn’t kiss him, you couldn’t remember how to. not when he was fucking his permanent place into your pussy.

“feel ya clamping down, love. holding me so good i can’t hold it any longer.” he wasn’t thinking of making you cum first like he usually would, not when he was on the verge of probably the best climax of his life. emotions were high, tension was too. the scene couldn’t be anymore intimate, any more explicit and obscene.

the car windows were fogged up, with only your handprints against it. toji was groaning, mindlessly spitting out profanities as he watched your juices slightly squirt out every time he buried himself in you. “fuck, m’cummin, gonna be so much.” he said with a whine.

“toji!” you cried, “don’t cum in me, please baby.” you were breathless, but the order was heard. toji honestly didn’t know how to feel. you were begging, and the tone was what he wanted, but what you were saying wasn’t.

he was going to say something to you, he was, but then he felt that clench you did around him, and the way your fingernails digged into the nape of his neck. you were whimpering, lips to his as you rode through your orgasm. he quickly pulled out of you, the rough and fast action getting you to flinch, but you had no time to think about it before he was fisting himself to cum on your puffy clit, a carnal groan coming from him as he watched his cum cover you.

nothing but your choked sobs covered with his moans and heavy pants were heard in the car. he grabbed a fistful of your hair and brought you into a surprisingly rough kiss.

“oh fuck.” you had fallen on him once your orgasm passed, lying on him and mindlessly placing small kisses to his neck. he was mumbling incoherently, eyes shut and mind focused on the way you pulsed over his thigh.

“she—she has your prominent features.” he said out of nowhere, the comment getting you to stare at him quizzically.

“hm?”

“rinny. she looks like you because she has your nose and lips, y’r prominent features. her eyes are ‘gumi’s. filled with wonder, curiosity.” he was still trying to catch his breath throughout his words. “been wanting to say that to you for a while now, how much she looks like you two.”

he sighed, “i get…scared that she’ll forget me. forget she has a dad.” his finger was tracing shapes along your thighs, his mouth speaking his bottled up fears to you. you had forgotten just how vulnerable he got after sex. almost as if he was too tired to keep his guard up.

“she knows her daddy, toji. she loves you.” you reassured him, giving his shoulder a reassuring rub.

“do you still love me?” he was so scared for your answer. because what was stopping you from just using him as some fuck toy then dipping out his life for good? after all you did tell him to pull out. he had so much work to do to show you his change, to show you just how bad he wants to change.

“to the point that it hurts.” you said as your finger traced over the scratch marks you left on his shoulder and neck. you were being truthful. loving toji had to be one of the most rewarding pains you’ve ever experienced, right after motherhood. you would give and he would take, but never return. it was like a test; how much more can you endure from this…would you call it a voluntary sacrifice? yeah because that’s what love is, a sacrifice.

you sacrificed your future for toji and megumi, and now for rin. you gave your time, your heart, your body, and your strength. all of you was in the man you lied on. while you listened to the steady beats of his heart, you knew yours matched his pattern—it was your heart he had after all. this was a test on your resilience for loving toji. how much more could you endure because of how you felt about him?

it seemed he would never be the toji you dreamed of. the one that would be vulnerable outside of the bedroom, the one who would open up to you when things get tough instead of running off. the toji you had thought he was, the one who would never hurt you the way he did.

“do you love me?” you looked up at him, watching the way his eyes dropped to meet yours.

“more than life itself.” he kissed your nose, the sentiment making you softly smile. you two stayed connected for a little bit more, the sound of passing cars along the road and the nights wind being the only sound you two needed.

you focused on him, and how he felt under you. how your bodies seemed to mold together, your hearts beat the same. you couldn’t help your mind drifting to earlier though, and thinking about your date, and if you would’ve let it get this far with sukuna if toji didn’t show up.

the person you went on the date with was bad, yeah, but you enjoyed going out. you enjoyed getting to know someone new and start over. it was refreshing. hell, if sukuna played his cards right you might’ve just kissed him tonight. but you’ll never know now that you’ve gone and left with toji.

as if he could read your mind, toji tensed up a bit from under you, “i will be the husband and father you and our kids need me to be, (y/n). i promise.” he spoke into your hair, his hold on you tightening in the slightest. almost like his stamp of confirmation that you had his word.

but you didn’t respond. you had no response.

he knew this one night of passion wasn’t going to make up for what he did. you weren’t just going to forget his wrongdoings like it was nothing. he needed to prove to you he has learned from his mistake. he needs to show you, show megumi and keep his promise to geto; that he is a different man. he was going to work his ass off to get his family back.

and he would spend every second, and exhaust every resource he had until he was back under the same roof as you, as his children, and back to being a prominent figure in your life. he was going to work his ass off to write himself back in your heart, and continue the love story you two started.

if only he knew what you were thinking.

toji still ain’t shit sorry if you were expecting character development 😭

but thank you all again for vibing w this story, i appreciate it.

tags • @mollyville @miyaluv127 @lemmetreatya @tojisfav @aizawa19 @cloudsinthecosmos

#🌞🍃spliffymae #jjk⋞〈⏣》⋟#toji x black y/n #baby daddy toji #toji x black reader #toji zenin #jujutsu toji #ex husband toji #ex husband toji x black reader #toji x reader #angst #anime x black!reader #jjk #Spotify

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oscconfessions · 2 months

Note

Microphone is genuinely one of the best characters in II, and the way the fandom treats her makes me genuinely so sad but at the same time it makes me so angry as well.

If anything I'd even dare to say that she is objectively the one who has the best arc on season 2, and her whole experience and story just felt like a really personal thing to me on an emotional level, I think that the way she is written is just so powerful on that perspective and I genuinely hoped that people would treat Mic with respect and care on her arc, maybe even relate with the things she went through, but. They don't. No one ever does at all, really.

Sure, sure, interpretations and all you want, but Mic's arc just felt so straight to the point. The only way people ever brought up Mic is for shipping reasons and her most popular ships treat her so badly. People completely disregard her platonic relationships if they're not going to ship them at all and only downgrade those to siblings hcs and it is so fucking sad. Like. Mic is genuinely such a good character and I never felt that connected to a character before until I saw her, so this may just be a me thing, but genuinely.

Her arc is so so good and people just ruin her character. Mic is genuinely so full of love and so compassionate for others and doesn't want others to get hurt. She's incredibly smart but also incredibly emotion-driven. She yearns desperately for any sort of connection that makes her feel seen and wants others to feel seen as well, she is forgiving but she's not a clueless moron that will let someone to ruin her and keep lying to her.

People don't even focus on her parallels with Pickle either and how much that could possibly mean for their possible future friendship. All she wanted was to be loved and recognized for who she was, to be heard, but all she got on return was someone who kept hurting her and kept lying to her despite saying that she "was trying to get better", and how even then after basically just dissociating from the damage Taco caused to her and to others, she stood up for Pickle and for herself. She recognized that she was hurt, just the same way Pickle was, and people don't get that. She was still being manipulated. She genuinely just thought that Taco was trying, but Mic didn't like Taco herself either, she was overall uncomfortable with her, what people don't get is that she liked the idea of Taco she had on her head. You know, the one of someone who was trying, but even then she was always doubtful of Taco and kept being disapproving of her violence. People just focus on how "sad" Taco was when Mic eliminated herself but they don't focus on how genuinely hurt and scared Mic was to stay. She left because she was scared of Taco.

So everyone just portraying her as some clueless sidekick that thinks that Taco can change just makes me wonder if they even got anything from the series. She doesn't want to be near Taco anymore. Nor does she think she can change. Taco kept on hurting everyone. Taco kept on trying to get Mic to hurt her friends. Hell, Taco fucking tried to kill Knife, the only person who genuinely cared about Mic as a person. Mic just wanted to be recognized and Taco ruined that for her. All she wants is to feel like she's herself after all of that and people only care about Taco. This also happens with how people only use Pickle for Taco's arc and like. Mic and Pickle are so much more than that.

Mic's story is just about self love and how difficult it is to feel good about yourself, and how much one can yearn to find a place where they're loved and accepted, and how some can take advantage of that vulnerability to ruin someone. But it is also about healing and accepting yourself. It is also about how even if it looks like you're completely alone and like you're ruined, things will get better. You're going to find people that love you for being you. And you are going to leave those who kept trying to change you to their own benefit, who made you feel unworthy of love. How even if it looks like hell, it definitely gets easier.

Also just the way she struggles with mental health and trying to make excuses for someone she thought was "good" feels so real to me. But just how much she loves her friends and how much she struggles with letting go because of that.

But also just. What makes me the saddest is how people literally don't care about the impact Knife had on her. Whether you like them romantically or not it doesn't matter, but the way people only downgrade them as siblings feels so fucking bad for how deep and important their arc was. Mic felt like she was genuinely unloved and like people didn't care for her, and that Taco was the only one that would get people to like her, but Knife actually liked her. Sure, they had their moments, but they still cared deeply about eachother and Knife was always looking out for her no matter what. Even if he said that attachments could ruin his game. Even if he said that getting involved would ruin his game. He kept breaking those rules for Mic and genuinely enjoyed her company when they were alone. He actually liked her. But Mic never knew until the end.

Mic changed Knife. Knife changed Mic. They both changed eachother. They both made eachother grow. Mic didn't gain anything from Taco, but she got Knife's friendship in the end. She gained something from him. She gained love. She gained an actual friend who cared deeply about her and liked her for who she was.

And Knife got in touch with his feelings and got attached to her even if he didn't have to keep on checking on her after the conversation at the cave. Mic was sad because he didn't stay. Knife kept defending her from Test Tube. Mic was genuinely just comfortable whenever he was near. They matter to eachother so much. Hell, they're so important to eachother that a part of Knife's theme song appears on Mic's. I genuinely hope people start actually focussing on the most meaningful friendship Mic has on the whole series and start to care about them on an actual deep level. Pickle might as well join that too.

Mic just. Makes me have so many feelings and I hope that the fandom eventually tries to actually understand her. I really hope so.

Her whole story just makes me think of "someone is never unloveable, they're just unloved". She managed to be loved in the end despite everything.

I really hope AE shows her being happy and stable once s2 is back. She's genuinely just such an cool character and makes me have thoughts. I could've put a lot more here but. I can't be coherent about her.

- Sincerely, The Microphone Guy

#confession #/ii #/ii/microphone #/ii/pickle #/ii/taco #/ii/knife #/ii/test tube

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justanerdalltheway · 2 years

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Posted this on twitter but going to post it here too! Thinking through episode 5.

I watched episode 5 AGAIN and I am not going to take anyone's side because all three of them had a big part in the shitshow that went down. BUT watching it really carefuly, scene by scene,using up every single thing I learnt in psychology class. I can understand why Lestat flipped so badly.

Claudia had her own problems, true, but she completely ignored Lestat and Louis even though Louis wanted to help her ever since Charlie's death. Of course she refused the help as all teenagers do because they don't believe their parents mean good.

BUT!

Because of her refusing help the relationship between Lestat and Louis gets strained.

Lestat is the parent who is like "tough love would work" which is understandable because he never got help as a child either, he has no idea what a helping father would be like. While Louis is the parent who puts his child to the center of his world, he would do anything to make Claudia feel better. Here starts the problem with L/L.

Lestat is the one who is neglected by his lover.

It's like when a baby is born and the husband gets jealous of the baby. We all know that he is insecure and he needs the affection he didn't get when he was a kid or when he was turned. That is why he goes back to Antoinette. It doesn't matter that she is just a singer who gets in anybody's bed, she gives him what he needs. And when Claudia exposes him it creates an even bigger rift between L/L.

Louis is understandably hurt because he thought they are a happy family and then Claudia leaves too. Two HUGE punches to the face in one night. He loses his footing completely. He wears pj's most of the time, turns towards different worlds (books) just to be free of his thoughts for a while, doesn't leave the house for who knows how long, ignores and irritates Lestat on purpose. And we all know Lestat is not fine with any of that.

Still,at first he tries to get Louis outside of the house(Armstrong concert). And later, when he is giving up, we get the scene where he clearly gives a last chance to Louis (when Antoinette is outside) but Louis just continues to read.

When Claudia comes back, Louis is relieved, as any parent would be, of course, so he hugs her. On the other side what Lestat sees is an ungrateful little girl who would be dead without them, especially Louis, since he was the one who got her out of the fire. He doesn't understand why Louis would choose Claudia over him after the suffering she caused Louis.

We shouldn't forget that he was the one who was next to Louis all those months witnessing what he was reduced to during her absence. We can see Lestat become angrier as the scene continues but what really breaks his control is when Claudia says "Let's be vampires worthy of your love."

She basicaly says that Lestat is not worthy of Louis.

And that is it, he is gone. Of course he would snap. Everything we see is Louis' POV or Claudia's diaries but we haven't seen depressed, tired, starved Louis with Lestat's eyes before. We don't know how he felt like when he looked at his lover and saw him suffer. But we do know that he DID DO THINGS in order to make Louis happy, he even said "Anything for you." before he dropped him. He lost control because of all the things that have been building up inside him and, sadly, when he attacked Claudia he didn't think that Louis would get between them. When that happens things starts to escalate even more. Now both of their locked away feelings are coming out. At one point Lestat is trying to make the fighting stop, says he is trying to restrain himself, still, the fight continues. Now Louis is either driven by his feelings like anger, sadness, or he is trying to protect Claudia because he knows that an angry Lestat would go after her again.

What is weird is that then comes a relatively calm moment when the noises of the fight stop and Louis is trying to calm Claudia down. He says they are done, they had enough.

What is happening? We don't know because they aren't showing it to us but something must have happened because all of a sudden they crash through the wall and Lestat is growling like a feral animal. It's like he is having a complete breakdown.

And those final moments, before and during the flying, are so important!

He tells Claudia he never wanted her, he only wanted Louis and his love. He told Louis to say "Lestat, I am never going to love you." He would be ready to let Louis go, even if it hurt him, if Louis would say those words. But Louis couldn't and his lips were quivering.

Lips do not quiver for nothing!

If he said those words he would be lying and we know that, too. He loves Lestat. And Lestat loves him strongly too.

Their love is harmful, very, VERY TOXIC, and Lestat's unleashing his power against Louis is extremely NOT OKAY.

Still, what I am trying to say, this was due to happen, if not in this episode then in the next. With Lestat's past traumas, with all the locked up feelings, it is a surprise he didn't lose control sooner. We did get glimpses of his quickly changing behaviours but he always got them under control. This, though, was the point when his brain shut down and just let his body do the work. We actually get to see him all calmed down when he finally lands and I think that by then his brain realised how badly he f*cked up. His eyes looked like he cried and his breathing is still heavy.

I believe he still feels hope that one day Louis will love him back because of Louis not being able to repeat his words but right now I have no idea how he thinks they could go from this to that.

This is what I think and I am not ashamed to say that during watching it for the second time I cried because of what I just wrote down. Anyone can judge me but I think they did a great job with this episode too.

#interview with the vampire #the vampire chronicles #tv show #amc interview with the vampire #amc iwtv #iwtv #anne rice #amc iwtv spoilers #iwtv spoilers #episode 5

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zackpacklol · 6 days

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Spoilers for Lacey's Flash Games by ghosttundra (watch the series if you haven't already!!!!!!)

I think most people in the Lacey Fandom don't see the wordless, but painful story that I do of Lacey, and I'm about to explain what that is.

This is all just speculation, a theory, more rather of what Lacey/Possibly Rocio had gone through during their traumatic childhood.

TW // MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, DEATH, CORPSES, WORM INFESTED CORPSES AND OTHER GROSS STUFF ARE IN THIS POST, READ AT YOUR OWN DESCRIPTION

It's obvious by now that Lacey had a troubling childhood, like a really traumatic one. From being abused by her Uncle, having to look at that Uncle's dead body every time she got out of her bed, as well as dealing with a f'ed up stalker.

But what I want to focus on that most people don't seem to talk about is Lacey's Jobs as well as her deceased Skater friend, Jay.

Let's talk about Lacey's first working jump; Her Diner.

If we're looking at this from a realistic perspective, it's likely Lacey didn't actually own a Diner, but more rather worked at one as A waitress, later being promoted to a cook, or possibly having to do both since the place Lacey worked hadn't had many employees.

Quick Screenshot(s) give context clues that the various patrons at Lacey's workplace had driven her from sadness to extreme anger, with failing the first day at her work making her cut herself and call herself words like "useless", "stupid", "slow", etc. That spiralled into becoming SO angry that she made a meal so disturbed that caused the entire workplace to be shutdown, causing her to lose her only way of making income.

Eventually, Lacey finds a new Job as a Petshop worker. I don't have much insight on this one other than Lacey that eventually quit due to the over-demanding and borderline abusive owners that asked for the most screwed things to do to their animals.

Now sometime during the portion when Lacey was out of a Job again, Jay, one of Lacey's adventurous tomboy friends that she only had left, tragically passed in a very unfortunate skating accident. Although incredibly mad that the universe that it continued to move even after Jay was gone, Lacey eventually found a new job for herself to get (or at least try) to get her life back on track. What was the job, you may ask?

A makeup parlor! A Morgue.

Working in a Morgue as a Mortuary Cosmetologist.

Maybe Lacey had dreamed of working with Make-up in anyway she could, maybe working with the morgue's makeup was a coping mechanism of trying to move from Jay's demise.

Either way, Lacey worked at the morgue, despite the occasional worms that infested the bodies, or even that some corpses would occasionally stare back at her with their dead eyes. All of that was all for now until...

Jay was a client corpse.

I could only imagine the absolute dread that Lacey felt, having to see your Friend diseased & mangled corpse beyond the point of recognition, as well as having to attempt to apply makeup to your deceased friend's corpse while you can feel your own tears destroy your pretty eyeliner.

While it's unknown whether or not Lacey got fired from the morgue due to having a mental breakdown in the middle of the work day, we'll have to see what "Lacey Game" is next to find out.

Thanks for reading. Feel very free to ask any questions you have about this theory/speculation in the comments.

#lacey's flash games #lacey games #lacey games spoilers #ghosttundra #skater jay lacey games #jay's skating game #lacey's games #tw s3lf harm #tw s3lf harm mention #lacey's makeup parlour #lacey's petshop #lacey and the jamers #lacey's diner #lacey's wardrobe

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callsignbaphomet · 1 month

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Just have some thoughts on some OCs brought on by a conversation. This is mainly about violent tendencies and anger of which three OCs stand out the most about.

So excuse me while I word vomit.

When it comes to Angelus he is definitely violent but like I said he is the second most violent OC. Who's the first? Loke.

Yes, that Loke. The same one that will give his own life to spare someone else's whether that person is related to him by blood or time or a complete stranger. The same Loke that went weeks without proper sleep because he spent hours every night looking over his newborn brother because he didn't want the same thing that happened to him as a baby to happen to Jelani. And it wasn't until his own mother caught wind of it and talked to him that he sorta relented. Since then he's been looking after his little brother and will not stop until the day he dies.

And that's why he's the most violent. He first reacts (tho not blindly), he is very driven by revenge. His body count is the highest of them all because he doesn't let shit just slide ESPECIALLY if it involves his brother.

However, Loke is not the angriest. He can be when it involves someone threatening or hurting someone he loves or even an innocent stranger.

Of all the OCs the angriest is definitely Angelus. He went through some messed up shit from ages 3 to about 13 or 14 and because of it he spent long decades--you could even say almost a century and a half recovering from those traumatic events and even now he still suffers those consequences thanks to several conditions and mental illnesses brought on by those events. He's doing so much better now, far better than he thought he would be. The second he was taken away from his abusers his grandfather made it his first priority to get him the best care at the time and has been on top of that ever since.

It helped that he was surrounded by people (Jelani, Loke, Trevor and a mess of other people in Oracle) who cared. For the first time in his life he saw what actual love, softness and compassion was. In every sense of the word all these people were his teachers.

Love, softness and compassion were important but as time passed he grew angry. Therapy after therapy, medications, setbacks, new developments in psychology meant more treatment and more meds, lots of ups and downs when trying to find the right meds for the right conditions and it was tiring as fuck all. Understandably he was angry but that anger scared him because he associated anger with his abusers and he did NOT wanna be like them at all and was conflicted and angry because of the anger.

Jela was the one that taught him that anger wasn't a bad thing. It could be if you let it but it inherently wasn't a bad thing. He told him he could channel that anger as another output in ways that wouldn't hurt him or any innocents. That he could use it as a form of motivation when nothing else worked. Jelani also taught him that he didn't have to always put up a brave front, that sometimes it was okay to wallow in your own self-pity or be sad because pretending to be stronger at all times was the fastest way to relapse and sometimes you just need to recharge your batteries even if it means to not be okay for a while. And not being okay was fine because he wasn't alone, he had people he could lean on until he could stand back on his feet. Once he learned that he found his recovery was that much smoother and he felt a lot more stable. Jelani has been pivotal to his recovery, and setting aside the hero worship he's had since he first laid eyes on him, he feels like he owes him his life and would happily lay it at Jelani's feet if he ever had to. That man worships the ground he walks on and it's more than obvious that if anyone were to even look in Jelani's direction the wrong way he wouldn't think twice about delivering their insides to him on a silver platter as an offering.

So yeah, both Loke and Angelus are violent individuals whose anger and violence are driven by a need to protect others and that might not make sense to others but it does to me and it's a core part of their characters and even plays a huge part in some major and/or minor stories. Despite this, they aren't bad people, they aren't solely defined by their violence and/or rage. They're capable of immense love, empathy, compassion and yeah even mercy. They're not mindless about their violence or anger no matter how catastrophic it might be.

Ah, but I mentioned three OCs and so far I've only talked about two. Who's the third one? To no one's surprise it's Jelani.

His anger and violence tends to be very calculated. He is the very definition of cold calculation. His calculation pairs up with his Machiavellian nature. He can take a lot of shit, in fact, anything done and/or said to him he can swallow and move on. I'm not saying things don't get to him, they most definitely do and if he chooses to respond he will and it won't be this grandiose event. He keeps it simple and to the point. However, do anything, no matter how small and insignificant, to someone he loves and cares about or to an innocent person and the second you finish is the second he starts plotting. It might be something that takes a day or two to develop or something that takes weeks but no matter how long it takes he'll have a response, it will definitely be the most painful and grueling experience of that person's life and he'll make sure he has the last word.

Like his older brother's vengeful and jealously overprotective of the people he loves. I know I always talk about Loke being the overprotective one but in that department both him and Jelani are on equal terms.

He's not without reason and very not reactive. He's very well aware that certain actions can and will have consequences and as acting leader of Oracle he knows damn well that throwing caution to the wind will always come back to bite you in the ass and cause worse problems. So sometimes he'll resort to one single little warning with every intention of following through if you're not smart enough to listen to him.

When his dad's first wife showed up and went to talk to his mom about being able to reconnect with Loke and Jelani found out he was beyond furious. Sanaa said it was Loke's decision whether he wanted to reconnect with her or not and she would discuss it with him. She thought it would be best to be honest with him in case she decided to go directly to Loke. No, Loke didn't take it well and said he wanted nothing to do with her and Ingvarr was pissed the fuck off that she'd dare to ask such a thing after she intentionally nearly killed him as a baby.

Jelani did not react kindly or calmly to that either. He found her and outright told her that if she ever went near him, his parents but especially his brother she'd personally know what it feels like to drown over and over and over again.

Was it wrong? He really doesn't give a shit. As far as he's concerned he's protecting his brother from a woman who drowned him as a baby to the point where it took a few attempts to resuscitate him and ever since then his lungs haven't been optimal.

When Chris ran into Angelus and kidnapped and tortured him Jela made sure to be by Angelus's side however, while he was still asleep after surgery to repair his throat he had other agents track down Chris and give Jela his location. He went to get him and brought him back to a small bunker that Oracle had in the area where he kept him for nearly a month while Jelani took some time off to look after and take care of Angelus. When Angelus felt a bit better Jela asked him if he wanted payback for what he did and when he agreed he took Angelus to where Chris was held and he killed him and shred him to pieces. That wasn't the end of it.

Jelani made sure to dump the mangled remains at Chris's mother's house and when she found him she obviously freaked out (she was her favorite son and the one she protected the most). Jela waited till she found the body and warned her that he wasn't going to kill her because he needed her to give the rest of her sons a message. That if any one of them ever came close to Angelus again he'd kill 'em all and would dump the bodies at her doorstep and said he had some very specific plans for her because of what she did to Angelus all those years ago.

The only reason why he hasn't wiped out that entire family of abusers is because Angelus doesn't want that. The only reason why Chris was the exception was because he showed up again and out of all his abusers he was the worst and to be perfectly honest it was healing for Angelus.

Jelani isn't always about revenge, sometimes his main goal is to protect others and yes, even if he has to put himself in danger, sacrifice his own well being or even his own life. He's traded places with hostages, has nearly died countless times trying to protect someone else and has taken blame for things he didn't do and has often paid some heavy tolls for it.

On one occasion he shielded Angelus from slayers and ended up with severe injuries that led to massive blood loss and was on the verge of bleeding out, went into shock and fell into a coma. He flat lined several times. It took a long time to recover from that but he'd do it again if he had to.

When he and Loke were kidnapped (the attackers wanted to get back at Loke for killing one of their own) Jelani pretended he was Loke. They bought it and forced Loke to watch while they tortured Jela for days. No matter what was done to him he never once caved in and said he lied, he just took it so they wouldn't hurt Loke.

That's just some examples. Jela can be really selfless, very loving, empathetic and understanding and yes, very capable of mercy as well.

And it wasn't just Jela who taught Angelus how to cope with things. When the whole "Eldest One" fiasco took place Angelus was the one that made him see that while it might feel like the whole world was out for his head it wasn't true. He and Angelus share a lot of similarities in terms of identity. Angelus is often feared and/or hated for being a Crossedbreed. Sure, some werewolves feel like he's "the next step in werewolf development" but other werewolves feel like it's only a matter of time before he goes full rabid and starts senselessly killing others.

Many blame Jelani for what happened, even though it wasn't him that caused those events and is as much a victim as everyone else. Very few have come to see that but many blame him for Eldest One's actions simply because Eldest One passed the torch to him and kinda went "Yeah, here's this mess that I made and now you have to clean up and everyone will blame you for it and hate you and may even try to kill you because of it even though it's not your fault and I dumped this on you without your consent. Meanwhile I won't help you because I'm gonna vanish into the cosmos basically dying. Okay bye."

It took its toll on him and Angelus could easily identify with him in that front. He taught him that the only person who could dictate what he is or isn't was himself. That he could either sit there and let them kill him for something that wasn't his fault to begin with because he didn't ask for any of it or he could turn the tide in his favor and even though it felt shitty he could clean up the mess caused by someone else and prove he wasn't what they were making him out to be. Most importantly was that he had people who knew him and would go to the end of the known universe for and with him and that he wasn't alone. Those two are, like, tied together by their hearts and souls.

I think I lost the original point of this post but lol fuck it. That's what word vomiting gets you. I just wanted to talk about the three of them and a little of what makes them tick.

#Loke tag #Jelani tag #Angelus tag

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bunnyshipper2001 · 1 year

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Some Kyle Headcanons I Have:

-Short, short, short, springs up to either 5’4” or 5’7” and never grows after that

-He loves his curls but keeps them in the hat because it keeps them out of his face (and he puts it into a ponytail b/c he isn’t giving anybody/anything the opportunity to yank it — he eventually goes no hat at all in 10th grade)

-9/10 is probably Autistic (is also fairly good at masking)

-Has OCD, can’t convince me otherwise

-8/10 has BPD or Bipolar

-Sleep? What sleep? His schedule is an on-and-off relationship

-Gay and Demisexual af

-On the basketball team, volleyball team, track team, and does winter sports recreationally because he’s a sporty boy

-Is also apart of theatre club, student council, and debate team because he wants as many extracurriculars on his college applications as possible (also, he enjoys being apart of various things he takes special interests in)

-He’s really good at playing musical instruments (guitar, violin, and piano specifically) and writing compositions but keeps it mostly to himself for various reasons, most involving Stan

-Insecure af to the point he never actually notices when someone is crushing/in love with him because he’s a) believing he’s undeserving or unlovable, b) oblivious as all fuck, c) misinterpreting all the social cues, or d) all of the above (insecurity is pretty/kind of canon though, lol) 😅

-Adding onto above that he’s praise driven and approval seeking to the point he looses his sense of self trying to live up to others expectations and opinion of him

-Sweater vests, turtle necks, and button-ups with corduroy or dark-coloured slacks (but also sweats when he’s wanting a lazy day)

-Goes back and forth between indie pop and alt. Rock music (his playlists are a mix of both)

-His anxiety and sadness almost always presents as irritation/frustration, so everybody typically assumes he’s pissed off when it’s the exact opposite (which then causes him to actually get angry later on)

-Contrary to what others around him think, he keeps most of his thoughts and feelings to himself (bottled up inside of him). While he’s almost always vocal about his opinions on the world and people around him, things that pertain specifically to himself are kept hidden because he doesn’t want to burden others with his issues (after all the problems he’s had with Stan or seen from him— he feels just as unheard by his sbf and others but he doesn’t feel like he can actually talk about his own problems, especially when Stan has a habit of going into “woe-is-me” and making it all about Wendy or Randy)

-He never actually had a crush on Heidi and has only thought of her as a good friend— his obsession over it was mainly due to two different facts: the first, he saw parts of himself in Heidi (smart, strong morals, wanting to extend a hand to others) and didn’t like he could see himself in that position (abused/misguided) and felt he needed to destroy it so it wouldn’t destroy a metaphorical version of himself. The second, he wasn’t about to turn a blind eye to verbal/emotional abuse, manipulation, or even assault (which, considering Heidi was vegan and Cartman switched her food and lied about it -food tampering- is considered a form of assault, especially as introducing meat proteins to someone who’s been vegan for even a couple of months or year can cause the individual to become physically sick) and his concern was misinterpreted by the girls (who didn’t seem to give a shit about it as they already tried convincing Heidi in a way that pushed her right back into Cartman’s arms and made her less likely to look for help, sadly) as him being in love and Kyle just went with it because he’s impressionable

-Hand gestures (talking w/ hands) and yiddish/hebrew are a must for emphasis— and for insulting people without getting in trouble at school 😈

-Everyone wants to do him, he only wants to do like 2 people if any at all

-Apart of the Petty, Dramatic Bitch™️ Squad (made up of himself, Cartman, Bebe, and Kenny, for clarification)

-Psychoanalyses everyone and everything

-Spends hours thinking about the who, what, when, why, and how of the universe and the human condition— goes down his own self-made rabbit holes as a consequence

-Should have probably been a philosophy professor ngl

Some of these are kinda canon in a way, but also kinda unofficial so whatever 🤷🏼

I have like 20+ more but i’m stopping the list here for now

#south park #kyle broflovski #sp #sp kyle #my headcanons #south park headcanons #sp headcanons #idek what tags to use #and yeah #i just posted this long ass list thinking I was gonna do like five things #and bam!#it’s long #idk lol

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ecoamerica · 25 days

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

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lipzlipzlipz · 1 year

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5 books and 5 fics

@waxwing-saint made me do it

I always have a hard time making lists, especially lists of favorites because there are far too many to remember, and I had to set a rule for myself to narrow it down. Pick things that stayed with me. That’s it. So, these are the ones that made me think or feel or put me in a weeklong introspective funk.

Books

Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield. My most recently finished read. Both @sosh022 and @waxwing-saint recommended this to me and it’s been years since any book has hit me as hard as this one did. The love, the frustration, the inevitability, every page felt so real. Some days I managed a whopping 30 pages but most days it was 2-8. The words were just too good to let them fly by without holding onto them for a little while.

Just Kids by Patti Smith. I’ve been a fan of her music since I was a kid so when I picked up this memoir I was only familiar with that and her poetry. It’s a story of her youth and friendship with artist Robert Mapplethorpe, and her writing is so compelling that her reminiscences filled my head and heart as only a poet could. Highly recommend even if you don’t know her music.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I bought this the year it was published and I would read it at least once a year for years afterwards. When the movie came out, I couldn’t see it, and I still haven’t seen it, even though I think this year might finally be when I do. The story is just too close to me.

There There by Tommy Orange. Stories about clashing identities, of being a part of two worlds and also neither, are always very interesting to me. And this one was just so visceral in its anger and sadness, it swallowed me up.

Nightshift by Kiare Ladner. Ok I’m cheating a bit here since I haven’t finished it yet, and I don’t normally recommend books I haven’t finished, but this book makes me squirm and I need others to squirm with me. Have you ever met someone and became instantly obsessed with being their friend (and maybe more) and when you did, you got caught up with that feeling that you’re finally being true to yourself but maybe also molding yourself into someone you’re not? That’s this book. And it’s a drama so the discomfort and stakes feel higher. I have no idea how it’s going to end, but I’m probably going to do more squirming and cringing in self-recognition along the way.

Fics

i’ll take the desert, you take the coast by @searidings. Supercorp. I absolutely adore this fic, I love all of searidings’ fics, but this one blew me away when it was first posted and it still does. I love a Lena that holds a post-reveal grudge. I love that she holds onto it for so long. It’s beautiful and sad and angry and I reread it every few months.

Vertigo by Yoshiyuki_Ly. Fleurmione. This fic inspires strong feelings in people, and given the ending, I can understand why. Fleur is a Slytherin and she’s got major childhood trauma and her characterization is colder and harder than we’ve ever seen her. But the hesitant romance that builds with Hermione is so sweet and real, it’s one of my favorites. There’s also a sequel on ffn if you’re interested.

Falling Towards Something (It Might Just Be You) by @thewaywedo33. Fleurmione. Another take on a darker/grey Fleur. A bit angsty, character driven, and you’ll have so many questions about what’s going on in the wider world, but all that really matters is that this Fleur can’t stay away from Hermione even though they’re not really on the same side, and I love their gradual acceptance of it, until it all comes to a head and choices have to be made.

Personal Jesus by @perfectly--random. Fleurmione. A non-magical AU that hits you in the gut and I won’t say anymore because it’s just that good. Wonderful angst.

The Arctic Station by @foragewrites. Supercorp. One of my favorite Supercorp premises is post-reveal angst and eventual reconciliation, and this fic does it so well, all couched in a stranded/survival story. It’s amazing.

~~~

Because I limited myself to completed fics, I left out some really great ones. Danse Avec la Vie (fleurmione) by Sosh_022/@sosh022, Once In A Lifetime (Sansaery) by MsCFH/ @hell-much and We court our own Captivity / than Thrones more great and innocent; (Sansaery) by heart_nouveau. Danse and Once In A Lifetime are in progress so my list will probably change when they finish.

Whew that was tough. If you’re reading this, go on and give it a try. One person I’ll call out is @sleepingontheway. 😊

#books and fics #reading

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quillkiller · 5 months

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1,4,18<33

thank u!!!<3

1. what’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

that no one is responsible for your feelings but yourself!! my friend said that once in passing several years ago and i've genuinely taken it to heart and it has changed how i live my life and view my relationships:)) i can feel sad and excluded or left out or hurt or jealous but it doesn't actually mean that's the case. it can, obviously, and that's a whole other matter, but sometimes it really is just a feeling that needs to be felt and isn't anyones fault. i can't be angry over something that genuinely doesn't involve me. it has helped me overcome jealousy especially

another one is that yeah sometimes i feel as if my friends hate me or im convinced no one wants to be around me but: it isn't kind to have those feelings about your friends who love you. obviously communicating what you're going through and what you're feeling is good but if you're dedicated to walk around convinced that your friends hate you then you're not really a very good friend to them. talk about it instead, examine where it's coming from, etc etc etc. it's an act of discrediting your friends love for you, while they're actively loving you and supporting you.

4. tell me your most vivid memory, good or bad

the most vivid memory i have as of late is the day i moved out of mine and my ex girlfriends apartment. it was also the same day the queen died adjkfdakjfs. anyway it's genuinely one of the worst days of my entire life and i can't really describe it. she was staying behind in the apartment that we had been sharing and we were packing all my things into boxes, my mom came to help, then my dad, and the entire air was just. heavy. we were both crying a lot and once my mom had driven me to her apartment, where i'd be staying until i figured something out, my knees couldn't really carry me anymore. and even then i had to help my mom and dad carry all my boxes up to her bedroom. i genuinely can't put into words the impact it had on me. like idk. just removing myself completely from the place we had shared. saying goodbye to the kitchen i had loved and learned to be a better cook in. the bedroom door was closed and i didn't open it because the room didn't belong to me anymore. my ex dropped a vase that shattered on the floor. i had two full panic attacks where she had to lay on top of me on the floor because i couldn't breathe. me and my ex hugged for a long time before saying goodbye. we told each we loved each other and we used to have a saying which was like 'nothing can ever happen to you. no strike that, everything has to happen to you' which we did whisper to each other before letting go. anyway!!!!!!

18. what is something you can't bring yourself to let go of

lmao not to be a broken record but i have a box of things with stuff my ex has given me. notes and letters and small gifts, which i'm still unable to fully get rid of. i haven't looked in it once since the day i moved out. not because i miss her, because i very genuinely don't, but more because of what she's done to me etc etc bla bla bla and i'm not really ready for the panic attack of reliving it. she was not very good to me and its taken me a long time to fully realise, understand and accept what ive been through

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annalyticall · 1 year

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Thoughts on Mass Effect 2

This will be a longer review than my thoughts on Mass Effect 1 as there is about twice as much content to discuss. I'm going to compare this game to Dragon Age 2 a lot since they are both Bioware sequels and relative black sheep of their respective franchises.

I played again as Shiv Shepard; colonist, sole survivor, sentinel, and Paragon. While I had played Shepard with survivor's guilt in ME1, starting this game with her dying and being brought back to life changed how I played her; instead of feeling guilty for living, she was angry as hell for being raised from the dead. While I still ended up being a maxed-out Paragon since most people I interacted with were not Cerberus, I earned more renegade points than I had last game as I took any and all opportunities to sabotage Cerberus and piss off the Illusive Man.

(I had some more fun with photo mode)

Major decisions include: talking Garrus out of revenge, pardoning Tali without evidence, convincing Mordin to keep the cure data, reuniting Thane with his son, helping Samara kill Morinth, and rewriting the heretic geth. I made Tali my tech specialist, Garrus my ground forces specialist, Mordin the crew escort, Samara my biotic barrier specialist, and Miranda and Jack my final squadmates. I completed everyone's loyalty missions and no one died. I blew up the base and told the Illusive Man I will not work with him. I romanced no one (but did confess feelings for Samara) which still kept my prior relationship with Kaidan active.

My list of pros and cons and thoughts on the companions and DLCs below.

The Good

Varied Content. Besides there just being way more content than in the previous game, the side missions no longer felt like a copy-and-paste slog. Even the random missions picked up from probing were different from each other, as some were rescue missions and some were recovery missions and some were "take back the base" missions, and, while not all of them were particularly exciting, they were not actively annoying either.

Character Driven vs Plot Driven. When I think about it, I think one of my major gripes with ME1 was that the plot drove everything and the characters came second to the story. ME2 reverses this concept and puts the two-fold cast of characters front and center; the whole game revolves around recruitment and loyalty. While preference is subjective, I believe stories that focus more on character than on plot are usually more enjoyable, and I definitely enjoyed this game in that regard. It made the finale way more intense and high stakes when the stakes are losing characters you've spent the last dozen hours with.

Resource Management. One of the major improvements of ME2 compared to ME1 is the streamlined way gear and guns are handled. They were removed completely from an inventory system which saved a lot of time. I missed my unlimited ammo, however, refilling on ammo was relatively easy and wasn't too much of a hindrance.

The Normandy. The Normandy of ME1 didn't actually have much of a nostalgic impact on me. Playing the Normandy crash site mission was sad, sure, but I ultimately didn't much care for the ship itself. The Normandy of ME2 impacted me much more, and I think that's for a few reasons: First, each room is associated with a particular character, which gives the room itself that character's personality. Second, EDI acts as the voice of the ship, giving it a personality of its own. Third, the NPCs that populate the common areas and their timely conversations add a little more to the believability that this is a real crew. Last, Shepard's customizable room gives the player a chance to make their own impact on the Normandy, as I collected spaceships and pets and changed the ambient music and collected trophies. All of that together made the Normandy feel like home, one that I would definitely hate to lose.

Map UI. One of my biggest points of frustration in ME1 was that I would have to remember what star cluster and system each quest was on as I navigated the map, requiring me to often cancel out of the map and double-check the log. I was happy that ME2 rectified this by melding the journal and map features while navigating.

Conflict. I'm glad this game wasn't more of the same "we could have handled this problem if not for all this red tape bullshit" from the first game. True, that's still a common theme, but for the most part working with Cerberus bypasses all of that and allows for more interesting conflicts to be explored. It was also nice for me to explore what my Shepard would be like if not entirely reigned in by her need to uphold an honorable public image as an influential human to the council, which had guided a lot of my decisions in ME1.

Probing Minigame. This is probably just me, but I liked the minigame to probe for resources. It was more involved than in ME1 where all you did was press a button, and it allows you to pick and choose what resources you wanted to get from it. Also, the minigame itself kinda induced a zen state for me.

The Bad

Repetitive Combat. This might just be because I play Sentinel, but I was quickly getting tired of the "take cover and poke out every few seconds to shoot or overload shields" mechanic. In ME1, I was able to pop on a barrier and run and gun for a while and get creative with the abilities I had to make combos. The higher cooldown times and lower shield capacities in this game meant I was basically sidelined the entire game and couldn't find another viable playstyle even after I upgraded those abilities.

Initiating Romance. I was already on the fence about starting another romance since I had a previous relationship with Kaidan, but the romance dialogue options did not encourage me. This is one way ME2 is similar to DA2, in that both have weirdly horny options for starting the flirt dialogue that I don't want to choose even if I am interested in that character. Example: the first line you have to initiate a romance with Garrus is to suggest sleeping together, this after he has voiced basically no romantic interest in you up to this point. It would have been so out of character for my Shepard to say that even if she did like Garrus that way, especially given the power imbalance. In ME1, Kaidan and Liara both flirted with me first; I could judge what I liked and didn't like from the things they said, and from there could either encourage or discourage them from flirting after that. While I have my problems with ME1's romance system too, I like the rapport this approach to romance builds. Hell, even in DA2 Anders and Isabela flirt with you first. Sorry, but I appreciate a good slow burn, and if I can't gauge the vibes of what a romance is going to be like before more serious flirting, I can't commit to those options.

Hacking Minigames. I don't think I minded the minigame in ME1 because it was relatively short if you were good at it, and I was able to breeze past most of them in under 5 seconds. The two main minigames in ME2 are more time-consuming and get boring very quickly.

Betrayal Yes We've All Seen It. Seriously, after a few loyalty missions I was able to almost perfectly predict what the end of any given mission would be. Miranda trusts her friend to keep her sister safe? The friend is going to betray her. Jacob wants to find his missing father? His father is no longer the man he once knew. Tali wants to find evidence of her father's innocence? Her father is actually guilty. Mordin wants to rescue his old student from the krogans? His student is actually working for the krogans. Garrus and Zaeed already start out betrayed and are just seeking revenge. If it isn't betrayal, it's some kind of parental/child conflict, see: Miranda, Jacob, Tali, Samara, Thane, and arguably Grunt. I maybe wouldn't mind it so much if betrayal and parental relationships were the main themes of the overarching story but they were not, making the loyalty missions feel oddly detached from the rest of the story despite taking up so much time and being some of the most enjoyable parts of the game.

Pacing. I'm glad I was given a heads-up to complete all loyalty missions before the IFF mission because I don't think I would have saved everyone if I hadn't. Once the IFF is installed, the story rushes to the end at break-neck speed (or at least if you care about the fate of your crew it does). It doesn't give me a whole lot of time to get to know Legion or to progress relationships with the later-recruited characters.

Conflicting Morality. Sometimes the Paragon options were sympathetic to Cerberus, sometimes they were staunchly opposed to Cerberus. Sometimes the Paragon options were for rewriting the geth, and sometimes they were opposed to rewriting the geth. Thankfully, I didn't care about accidentally racking up a few renegade points this time around, but it was frustrating when the game couldn't agree on its own moral lines.

The DLC

Liar of the Shadow Broker. This was the best DLC for me. Not only did I enjoy the fight against Vasir (although I could tell, again, that Vasir was going to betray me well ahead of time) but I also liked Liara's arc as you can see her slowly accepting a darker path into becoming the new shadow broker. That's not to say she's morally corrupt, but I can definitely see her character potentially turning into something darker in ME3 now in her position. I also liked the final talk with her in Shepard's room - she was sympathetic about the Kaidan situation and I got to discuss how frustrated I was working with Cerberus. Overall, it got me to care about Liara much more than ME1 did. It was definitely worth the time.

Arrival. From my favorite DLC to my least favorite, I HATED this DLC. For one, I didn't even know it was going to be a DLC when I started it, so it was kind of a rude surprise when the mission I thought would take 10 minutes turned into an hour. What I hated most about it was that it was so stupidly high stakes for a DLC that is not related to the main story at all. You're telling me I have to crash an asteroid into a relay and kill 300K people in order to save all of humanity but somehow this isn't the game's finale? Not to mention I didn't have a choice at all. The whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Project Overlord. Speaking of bad taste in my mouth, this left a bad taste too but for other reasons. At first, I really liked it, since it was spooky and was giving me Alien vibes with how suspense some sections were. Once I got to the end, however, I was horrified by the way an autistic character was treated. I'm glad he was viewed in a sympathetic light and I was given the chance to rescue him and punish his abusive brother but it still didn't feel like enough to justify including it or the potential decision to continue his torture.

The Squad

Tali. Tali my beloved. For reference, I am going to list these characters in relative order of how much I like them, and Tali is top tier for me. I would, again, romance her if I could. I think what I like most about her is that she's sweet but she also recognizes her worth and stands up for herself when she needs to ("if they don't like it they can go to hell") and I adore that about her.

Garrus. I love Garrus, and again, I used him most out of any other squadmate because I like hearing his commentary the most. That said, I think I still only view him as a close brother figure since he really gave me no reason to think he was romantically interested in me outside of the fact that I knew he was a romance option. Also, buddy, please stay behind cover, you're getting shot.

Mordin. I know he's basically if Sheldon Cooper was a war criminal and also funny, but I love Professor War Crimes. He may justify doing some fucked up shit for "the greater good" but you can also see that he cares deeply about people on a personal level, and when those two beliefs conflict it makes for the basis of a very intriguing character arc. I can't wait to see it through.

Samara. I love her, she's got such an interesting stance on justice and morality. Like Mordin, I think she kills for the "greater good" but also struggles with her duties on a personal level. She's the only one I tried to romance but I quickly backed down when pushing her too much felt disrespectful of her and her code.

Kasumi. Kasumi's loyalty mission was one of my favorites because it was just... different. No big betrayal, no tense relationship with a parent. It was a clean heist story with a side of tragic romance. I like her a lot, but unfortunately, being a DLC character, she wasn't fleshed out very much after her mission.

Legion. I wish I had more time to spend with Legion, but what time I did have with them was very interesting. They provided some new insight into the geth and gave Tali some conflict as well. Their loyalty mission was also one of the ones I spent the most time thinking about since I'm sure it will have major repercussions. My favorite moment was when I asked them why they were wearing my old armor, to which they said they did not know, suggesting that they do, in fact, have an individual desire and sentimentality that is too complex for them to comprehend outside of their programming, at least at the moment.

Thane. I liked his dedication to giving his son a better life before he dies. He had to grow on me, but over the course of talking to him about his history and late wife, I grew fond of him. I definitely wouldn't want to romance him though.

Grunt. I liked Grunt enough, especially at Tuchunka. Like Wrex, I didn't bring him around a lot simply because I didn't have a great reason for doing so.

Jacob. Like Kaidan, I had heard people thought Jacob was boring, and, like Kaidan, I was ready to approach his character with an open mind and defend him from that allegation. But no, he's boring. I liked him a lot more in the beginning when he had a similar conflict to my Shepard about being ex-Alliance and working with Cerberus. Unfortunately, that doesn't really go anywhere and his loyalty mission has nothing to do with it. Sorry, Jacob, I gave you a chance.

Miranda. I really did not like Miranda in the beginning. I would often bring her to missions related to Cerberus just to show her how awful they could be, but she seemed stubborn in believing all bad cases were just hedge cases - exceptions to the rule. Girl, how many exceptions can you make until it is a rule? I purposefully brought her and Jack to the end mission because I had a feeling I could betray Cerberus at some point and I wanted to see their reactions to it. Thankfully, she pulled through at the end and saw the light lol.

Jack. Jack is very hard for me to like, even after her loyalty mission. I definitely feel sympathy for her, and I want her to be able to trust me, but her edgelord personality was laid on a little too thick for me to take seriously sometimes. I don't mind brooding "too badass to care" characters, hell I like Shadow the Hedgehog, but when the character says things like "I like to kill and I like being badass and look at my tats I'm too hardcore for you pussy" I just have to roll my eyes. She felt like if a middle schooler wrote what they think a cool dark character would act like.

Zaeed. I hate Zaeed. I think it's mostly because I don't really give a shit about his 20-year-revenge-plot and was much more annoyed that he expected me to let innocents die for it. I saved the workers and was still able to gain his loyalty with a paragon speech check, but after that mission I never bothered to talk to him again since I wasn't interested in his stories anyways lol. Definitely a character I don't mind being a DLC companion.

Miscellaneous. I liked Joker a lot more in this game and appreciated the brief time I could play as him, it felt very tense. EDI was fun to have around too. Kelly kind of creeped me out sometimes, and gave me "but I'm an empath" vibes, but I appreciated her role too. Kaidan frustrated the hell out of me but after his pseudo-apology email I'm willing to give him another chance. Anderson was cool, though he didn't have much to say. It was good to reunite with Wrex too.

Overall, this game was much more enjoyable than ME1, though I still wouldn't say I like it better than Dragon Age yet. We'll see how ME3 holds up.

Overall Score: 7.5/10

#woo this was long #anna plays mass effect

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