#i finally get around to actually perceiving myself as Zero | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

queermania · 1 year

Note

Ok so I have a real question not trying to start discourse or any thing. If Dean knew how he felt about Cas slash knew he liked men why was he always so weird about gay people. I can see a reading where Dean knew how he felt about Cas but not one where he knew he was bi

this is totally a fair question and i don't think there's any one True reading or interpretation of the show/characters so it really just depends on what version of events resonates the most with you. the way the picture makes the most sense to me is that dean is a guy who was raised in the 80s-90s in a hyper-masculine environment with zero stability. i think all of those puzzle pieces slotted into place in his brain in a way that said "sex with men is okay, feelings are not." a furtive hookup with a dude in a seedy bar bathroom is fine. going on a date with a guy is prohibited.

and the thing is that this is kind of true for dean when it comes to women as well. a one night stand is a-okay. falling in love and settling down is not. so, you take that sort of mentality and then apply all the homophobia of growing up in the eighties and the nineties and a life lived out of a car bouncing between truck stops and, well, you get a dean who is absolutely flabbergasted when confronted with the fact that not only are you allowed to want something romantic with a man, you're allowed to say it out loud to other people. you're allowed to have it.

dean wasn't weird about gay people, necessarily. he was weird about people who were able to just be themselves. he didn't know that was an option. also, i don't know about y'all but as a queer person who doesn't necessarily read as queer at a glance, i too get Very Awkward when confronted with another queer person in the wild and it's not because i'm homophobic. it's because oh! new friend! must send telepathic signals that me queer too! my behavior around other queer people in queer spaces does not match my behavior around other queer people in random public spaces. i'm embarrassing and i see that part of myself in dean lol.

and dean being weird about other people making comments about his perceived queerness, to me, is a very normal reaction for a closeted person (or even someone who is selectively and/or quietly out). you can be perfectly at peace with who you are and still not want to be clocked. like???? homophobia is not a thing of the past. dean grew up during the AIDS crisis. he was, what? nineteen years old when matthew sheppard was killed? his reactions to people insinuating he might be anything even close to queer make perfect sense for someone his age, living the life that he did.

also, like, here's the thing: i realized i was queer when i was about eleven and i freaked out about it for about a day and then promptly suppressed the whole thing because of a deeply traumatizing childhood. being queer was the least of my worries and there was never any time to unpack it and deal with it so i just didn't. and then when i was about nineteen i started to have queer sexual/romantic relationships but continued to suppress the fact that EYE was in fact queer because, again, i didn't really have the space to unpack it. it wasn't until i was about twenty-three and surrounded by other queer people (in a platonic way) that i finally felt safe to fully admit to myself and to other people that i was in fact queer. and then i never really did a whole coming out thing. i just... lived my life openly as a queer person and let other people figure it out.

my point in all this is that i feel like my general experience/trajectory lines up really well with how i view dean's. he had a very traumatic upbringing so while he knew he was attracted to men, he had no time or space to deal with it. that didn't stop him from having sex with men, but he never really unpacked what it actually meant. it wasn't until he was older and had openly queer friends that he felt safe enough to fully acknowledge that part of himself. and then.. that was it. he just lived his life as a queer man. like, i feel like we actually watched that happen over the course of the show???

most importantly, i cannot handle any reading where everyone else knows dean is queer but dean does not know himself. i especially loathe the idea that sam Knows and has to explain dean's own sexuality to himself. that is so ugly. dean is a very self-aware person. you could even argue he is perhaps too self-aware at times.

anyway, this is all obviously just a watsonian explanation of dean's relationship to his queerness. it doesn't even touch on the doylist stuff but that's a whole can of worms i'm not really interested in opening on tumblr dot edu right now.

so, yeah. that's my personal reading.

#replies #anonymous #dw #queer!dean #mp

512 notes · View notes

jamrroll · 1 year

Text

Finally got around to typing this all out..

I am having a lot of emotions.

I am unhealthily and incomprehensibly excited about 3.5 by this point.

So, first of all…

IT’S OFFICIAL.

KAEYA WILL BE INVOLVED IN CHAPTER III: ACT VI.

I cannot even begin to express how exciting that is for me.

Of course the ONLY thing I cared about which I didn’t get any information on is Kaeya’s potential outfit. I am going to be emotionally unwell if it doesn’t actually exist.

On another unfortunate note, Dehya will officially be on the standard banner. I know I should be happy to get another standard character, and I would be if it was anyone but Dehya. I know I’m overreacting a bit, you don’t have to tell me, but Diluc is my favorite character(I might love him a little too much), and I perceive Dehya as a threat to him, so get off my back.

Also it makes absolutely zero sense for Hoyo to have chosen Dehya to be on standard. Zero. Like if you’re going to add another claymore, okay, cool, whatever, we already have three swords, BUT AT LEAST MAKE IT A DIFFERENT ELEMENT. Same element-wise, go ahead and add another pyro character, but not another pyro claymore. Makes no sense, I swear. No sense. Also, Hoyo has yet to add a polearm or geo character to standard, it would make much more sense to release one or both of those next, not another pyro claymore. Releasing Baizhu and/or Kaveh(depending on who’s a 5-star) to the standard would make more sense at this point.

I am quite aggravated.

On a brighter note regarding banners, I am really excited for Mika. I am also incredibly glad he is not running with Dehya/Cyno, as I do not want either of them and I am currently guaranteed. (I love you Cyno, but I already have a perfectly amazing electro polearm and I could care less for your kit.)

Mika will most likely be replacing Diona on my main party. Now it will depend on how his crossbow mechanic works, as I always keep and archer on my team and I am both willing to swap anyone else out at the moment, but it’s probably happening. I was so excited to find out he’s a healer. Since Diona and Mika both heal with their burst, I wouldn’t be taking away any convenience for myself by swapping them either. In fact, I like the way his healing works better than Diona. The only problem - which I am just now realizing - is that throwing Diona away would be throwing away my shielder.

I’ll just have to wait for his Collected Miscellany before I can make an official decision.

Also, Windblume. I’m so excited. It better live up to my expectations. (/j)

Look at them.

And like. Collei. (And Cyno and Tighnari) In Mondstadt. Amber. *Dies*

AND THAT TRAILER. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FIRST PART. (Honestly Dehya ruined the whole mood lol) I’M SO EXCITED FOR CHAPTER III: ACT VI. *Simultaneously screams, squeals, cries, shouts, sobs, menacingly laughs, and passes out*

I am unwell. 😊

Also, I’m not tryna diss on Dehya(I mean I am but I’m not) or anything, like you you like her, no judgy. I simply harbor a very strong dislike for her which I hope I am not judged for expressing. Her kit honestly doesn’t even seem too bad, I’m just upset about circumstantial stuff.

#genshin impact #genshin 3.5 #Genshin 3.5 livestream

2 notes · View notes

woozi · 1 year

Note

henlo yza beloved <33

it's been the same for me 😭 how is april even ending like? i am still in my 2023 just started zone, i've been on autopilot mode tbh, also on purpose avoiding the dates lmao because i don't want to perceive the real time (if that makes sense). i'm so glad and proud of you btw <3

" maybe writers didn't think they'd get that far " CRYINGJSJSDJSK 😭😭 they're just like me then <3.

love how we're so alike <3 because i also don't vibe with the revenge type of media too much, nothing is exciting drama wise this year. trying out classics sounds fun, which ones did you watch? i would love to know <3 AND ALSO SAME I'VE BEEN WATCHING MOVIES SM THIS YEAR, it's surprising to me because i used to be like 'i am not a movie person' turns out i just didn't know how to look for what i really vibe with 😭. i've been trying to watch more slice of life-esqe movies these days, i highly recommend canola ( 2016, korean movie) and also a not so slice of life movie, unlocked. i checked it out because of im siwan skjsksks and ended up wishing for him to not come on screen throughout 😭 ( just bit of warning it's creepy and scary </3 ).

i truly get you </3 hope you get will to read soon <333 it's not a solution but i try to read even just 2 pages whenever i feel like my reading block is out. been reading a book like this since feb djsjsksk ( finally at last few chapters lmao ) i just tell myself slow reading is a thing and don't think too much of it.

sorry bss - second wind. i am now friends with seventeen and fml <3 I AM SO HAPPY YZA <3 i didn't know i needed a song based on dragon ball z this bad lmaoo ( i have zero clue about dbz btw, i was a pokemon - digimon kid) but i get woozi, if i was an artist i too would make all songs about my hyperfixations

i love the song, album and them esp woozi 😭. coups wasn't joking around when he said woozi will shine this cb. they all did tbh.

last two days were definitely the second highlight of this year after bss album for me. it's been so long since i got to be in the whole cb fanfare with anticipating teasers till cb day checking out the music. ( i still have to sit down and listen to the album with lyrics. i first listened to album then read all lyrics next day jsdkks haven't gotten time to both together yet ) i really liked everything about this cb and i love that for me. saur excited for the fml mv too. also today is woodz comeback i'm excited about that too it's been long since i heard new music from him

i've been annoying my friend since caratland about woozi (we both watched it together) 😭 now i think this cb cemented woozi as a bias wrecker for me. sorry that got too long i am just rambling same thing atp.

which ones are your top 3? mine atp are fml, super and idubilu ( yesterday third one was dust dhsjjs ) tell me your thoughts about cb hehe very curious about it

i haven't seen the carat day live either, just watched it through twt clips jdjdks ( i can't watch actually because the app hates me 💀 it doesn't load anything on wifi for me since last year )

ikr <333 plato's been my place to cool down fr. rules about ludo +#(#)#)2 the rules about ludo are that there are no rules 😭 they keep changing locally too. differs from person to person i think. i grew up playing with '6 is the only number which will give you chance to come out of the house' rule, nothing else. feel free to text on disc we can arrange time and date to play 🥰🤍

thank you for taking time out of your life to hang out with me it means a lot, i enjoy your company 🥺🤍. i hope you're taking care of yourself mentally and physically despite the busy schedule 🫂 i love you 💌 sending the best and peaceful days your way my yza <3

MA CHERIEEEEEEEE 🌷🌹🌼🌸💐🌺🌻

same </3 and no bc… how are we finishing a quarter of the year already,,, i also feel like we're just beginning 2023 😭 ALSO SO VALID?????????????????? also not to be morbid, but it just feels like we're accelerating to our deaths atp LMFAOOO

it's literally like,, watching sumn to stress on 😭😭 what is the pOINTTTTTT???? maybe other people wanna live vicariously through those characters but i just want a lil silly plot </3 just some people being nice and happy we already have enough bad shit irl!! the most memorable one that i've watched lately was the truman show!! (WHICH IS INSANE TBH BC LITERALLY A FEW DAYS LATER THE SVTEENIES DROPPED THE FML TEASER WHICH HAD SO MANY REFERENCES TO IT JKFJKGJK) AND URE SOOOOOOOO VALID TBH DFHJFDH we really are so much alike 😭 ALSO LOVE THESE RECCS OMGGGGGGGGG thanks for contributing to my list <33

slow progress is much better than no progress <3 love how u intentionally try to get back to hobbies, that is good for the soul 😋

ALSO MADE ME LAUGH FJDHJDFHFJDDF this album really is woozi-coded 😭 from the dbz references, the mv itself… he's SOO,,, and the amt of woozidans now,,, i'm gonna have to fight for my life buying tickets now LMFAOOOO ALSO COOL OMG <#3333333333 my cousin was also a digimon kid, but i wasn't so i don't actually know anything about it 😔

FELT TOO OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG i also have forgotten how busy cbs are (especially svt ones tbh) so it was also such a fun experience for me <3 ALSO LOVE HOW U REALLY TAKE UR TIME TO READ THE LYRICS!! more than the vibe and music itself it really is a crucial factor to consider when looking at the whole package <3 AND AGREED!!! i also really liked everything (sans the office photos jfdjkfdjfdk, BUT I LOVEDD the group teaser one bc of the table lol, just feel like we've seen enough office concepts from them and wished they spiced it up a lil but i get how it fits into the whole fml thing). AND PLEEK OMG I DIDNT KNOW?????????? i should've realized that he also had a cb when i saw the tiktok w vernon 😭 the way u open new paths for me every time is so <33

AND PLEEEEEEEEEEEK i'm glad more people are realizing his actual Power <3 he really was so fluffy during caratland wasn't he? 🥺

mine also changes a lot kjfgkjgjk but ms fire will never be dethroned from the no 1 spot <33 rn my 2 other faves r super and dust <3 i previously word vomited on al about that here if u wanna hear more abt my comeback related bs LMFAOOO

ALSO PLS KJFKJDDJK NOT THE NO RULES 😭 and that's so interesting 👁 AND YOU'RE ALWAYS SO SWEET PLS </333333333333333333333333333333 i will actually cry n throw up thank u for always investing time on me </3

AND OFC </3333 I SHOULD BE THE ONE SAYING THAT!! also tried my best but i've been sick for the past 6 days lmfao 😭😭 hope you're staying well and safe on the other hand <3 ily ma cherie <3333333333

#'my yza' IM GONNA JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY BTW JHFHDFDJ #i tried to pretend it didnt make me 😳 as much but i can't help it i wear my heart on my sleeve LMFAOO #ANYWAY ILY I HOPE URE ALWAYS HAVING THE BEST DAYS EVER #y.ask #cherie 🪂#s-cxups #long post

1 note · View note

whythewords · 1 year

Text

Where I am

So I did end up taking the "scheduled time" approach. Its essentially just making sure that I wake up at a reasonable hour and devote a good amount of time (at least an hour each) to working out, applying for jobs and playing guitar. I've ended up putting more than an hour into the jobs and the guitar stuff each day which is good. My sleep was getting better but last night I had another bout of fighting my sleep and then not falling asleep until close to 4am. This can't stand. I don't want to keep getting "regular" and then undoing all of my progress in a single night.

There are certainly still some kinks to work out, but...it's getting better. Doing the all-important and productive tasks of exercising, job-searching and practicing music stuff have certainly helped to take away the guilt of unproductiveness that was a dull fog over the last couple of weeks since my return. Knocking them out in the mornings is especially nice as I'll tend to close out with some guitar and end up noodling for a few hours more just because I have the time, or even throw on a movie or show or a video game. All of that stuff tends to fill me with guilt if I haven't done anything I perceive as "productive" that day. So far this little routine is doing well to eliminate that.

I'm happy to say I'm getting a little traction from the job search already. A few pokes from some recruiters and I already have an interview set up for a gig this week. Those little things do a lot for my confidence and give me the drive to keep at it. I knew it was important to keep applying for jobs as if there were no fish on the line whatsoever, if anything to constantly make sure that if one thing doesn't go well, a new thing isn't far behind. It also instills confidence that this inevitable chain reaction I'm trying to set off can potentially be done much sooner that I thought: Get the job, save the money, look at places, get a place, finally move out. And I'm just now looking at that sentence and thinking about that sentiment as a whole and how dead set I've been on it for the last little while...and how it has absolutely zero trace of the pursuit or preparedness for a romantic relationship. Makes me wonder where I'm at with that and of course I revisit the idea of dismissing those thoughts altogether until I've actually moved out and moved on from my folks' place. At the same time, as much as I hate to say it, I am beginning to feel like browsing through the dating apps every so often these days is proving to be a somewhat healthy distraction to keep me hopeful and keep my gaze away from the past. I've adjusted my profiles slightly to make it clear that my dating goals are, well, unclear. Probably not gonna do much for me in the matching department but, that doesn't really seem to be the main purpose of keeping these apps around anymore. Right now they're seemingly better at an arm's length, and if something happens, it happens. That's the sort of relationship I always strived to have with the apps anyway.

The other thing I'm using this time for is going on what I'm calling a "friendship tour." There are a handful of people I've gotten to see relatively frequently over the last few months, but other friends I have not been fortunate enough to catch up with in quite some time, some pre-pandemic. So I've been making a bunch of plans and getting to spend some much needed time with some people I've missed dearly. Had a nice catch-up sesh with my friends Scott and Mel just this past weekend which was really nice. It reaffirmed the whole thing about friends you haven't seen in a while and being able to pick up right where you left off. That, to me, is a pretty clear mark of a strong bond and I always try to remember to count myself lucky that I have those kinds of people in my life.

Tomorrow I'll be seeing my pal Matt and I'm happy to say we've nailed down an unspoken yet semi-regular schedule of catching up every couple of months. We've had grand plans to collaborate again on some more music projects for what seems like forever, and those haven't really come to fruition yet, but I'll take the opportunity just to catch up with him and his fiancee because ultimately that's the most important thing.

And this coming Saturday I'll be seeing yet another couple that I used to work with over 10 years ago. They hosted a killer halloween party that I used to go to every year. As of now, we haven't seen each other face-to-face since before the pandemic. I always knew these types of relationships were important but I still feel like I may have been taking them for granted for a number of reasons. Just being sort of blind to the folks outside of my own relationships, pandemic isolation, all of this stuff has mentally boosted the importance of these different friendships and also just social interaction in general. Speaking of which, the following weekend I'll be playing at an open mic event hosted at my brother's store in Scarborough. I've been looking more into open mics and other gigs and just general ways to get out of the apartment and out of my comfort zone again. I feel like I've mentioned this before, but there was a sort of magic to when I first moved out to the city about a decade ago and I was on my own just finding places to play and talking to strangers a hell of a lot more often. I feel like it would be good to bring that energy with me to my own locale as there's still a lot of places I haven't been even though I grew up here. That mentality also feels like a little bit of the thrill of Japan rubbing off on me.

Told you it made me a better person. Yet another reason to go back some day.

In the meantime, I'm gonna keep trying to make the most of where I am, literally, figuratively, emotionally, spiritually....

...yeah.

All that shit.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

1 note · View note

anxiouspotatorants · 3 years

Text

Whoopsy daisy I made a Shadow and Bone random thoughts post:

The costumes in this show are impeccable. I was drooling over all the keftas and the ball gowns in 1.05 and the crow outfits. Hell, even the winter-camo outfits that Mal, Mikhael and Dubrov wore in 1.04 were amazing.

Am I the only one who isn’t surprised by the kruge pronounciation? Because I thought it would sound like how English people say Scandinavian words and I wasn’t wrong.

Coming in to this show as someone who had only read the Six of Crows duology, I expected to at least tolerate Malina based on the trailer clips. I kid you not: less than five minutes into the very first episode they owned my ass. That might be a new record for me.

Seriously the friendship? The pining? The finding home in each other and being able to acknowledge their faults and apologize to each other? Both of them having massive “fight me” energy and protecting each other? Hugs?? Why am I surprised that I ship this?

Some of those scene transitions/flashback edits were so good! Like I know they repeated that meadow scene a lot throughout the season, but the cuts from kid-Mal looking at the rabbit to grown up Mal psyching himself up for the fist fight? Poetic cinema.

The Darkling was horrible and I love it. He wasn’t a carbon copy villain, nor did his complexity redeem him. He was a perfectly complex and understandable monster and I am living for it. I have not been so happy to despise a character in ages and I genuinely bow in gratitude to both the writers and Ben Barnes, because I finally got to enjoy watching a character I did not for one second root for ( #writevillainswellagain)

Look I already loved Jesper in the book but his on-screen translation elevated him from a fave to the fave. I was worried that they would push him into a comedic relief-role, but he got to keep both his heart, his depth, and his humour. Kit Young did an amazing job bringing what was already a great character on page to an even greater character on screen and I once again applaud.

Am I a bit bitter that the casting had some interesting choices for certain roles (aka hiring light skin and mid-size actors for explicitly darker skin and plus-size roles)? Kind of. Do I think there are important discussions worth having about this? Yup. Do I also think that every actor hired for Shadow and Bone did an amazing job and deserve zero hate and massive amounts of love? Also yes.

I had Alexei for one episode and one episode only, and I still miss that poor sucker. This show did a surprisingly good job with making me care about a massive amount of characters considering the screen time they had and the amount of episodes this season had. Good job.

For some reason I expected Inej to be a lot more brooding based on how I perceived her in the books but I love what Amita Suman did with her. Her translation completely recontextualised everything I remember from the books and just brought this truly fresh character to life. Assassin with a conscience indeed.

Also I did love the Kaz we got in this season but I can barely contain myself as I wait for season 2 to be made and for a certain flashback to take place because that moment in the book was visceral and it stayed with me for a long time and I knew before the show announcement that this flashback could become a television moment.

Speaking of Kaz the crows were so chaotic and messy and I’m here for it. Their interactions with each other and their improvised back-up plans were everything. I somehow didn’t expect the crows to become the comedic relief of the season but it honestly makes so much sense.

A couple episodes in I still didn’t get the Zoya hype (remember I haven’t read the books) but was a massive Genya fan. By the end of the season I was like “oh both of these girls are getting redemption arcs and I am here for it”.

Speaking of redemption I still don’t like Matthias. I’m sorry but I just don’t. I get that he is important to many and that they like his relationship with Nina, but I just don’t have the patience for him and feel like Nina can do better. I still want him to get a redemption... but maybe not through a romance with the grisha woman he repeatedly slutshames, is bigoted towards and chokes at least once (twice if that SoC scene from book 1 happens). That being said this is just how I see him, so feel what ever you feel about him and ship to your heart’s content!

Alina’s journey through this season made complete sense to me. It hurt to see certain things, but they were necessary in my eyes. Seeing her go from this essentially insecure but brave girl to a manipulated pawn to an even stronger and more self reliant girl in spite of everything was amazing. It did feel like a well-written hero’s journey and I’m looking forward to seeing where she goes next.

Apparently a lot of book-readers don’t like Mal (and I am not here to change anyone’s mind about that) but the Mal I saw on the show was amazing. I actually kind of wish we had seen more of who he was outside of his relationship to Alina (f.ex. other flashbacks than the meadow, maybe something about any of his missions while separated from Alina pre-show), but I also loved what we got of him with Alina. We still got to see a guy who was brave, stubborn, flirtatious, a bit judgemental but with a strong sense of humour, and a lot of loyalty (to Alina but also to his friends). I can hardly wait to see what’s next for him.

Milo the goat. Where do I even begin. Not only did we get that Jesper-scene, but their farewell actually became a Chekhov’s gun for Mal in 1.07? Milo is the true hero of the season.

Speaking of 1.07 I loved the tent scene between Alina and the Darkling. She both got to be realistic about her feelings for the Darkling and stand up for herself and for others and call him out. The way I interpret the Darkling, he is the kind of villain who creates a saviour narrative around himself but cares more about power than anything else. He’ll say he’s doing everything to protect his people but is the first to kill the very people he claims to love. And Alina’s tent-speech really hammered that in for me.

I adore Baghra. Is she morally dubious? Yes. Was she incredibly mean to Alina during training to the point where it might have been excessive? Yes. Did she not take any of the Darkling’s bullshit and act as the proper mentor for Alina when the Darkling had said that he was going to train her? Yes. Am I kind of a Baghra stan now? I mean maybe.

The antler-collar was so evil and gross but from a visually narrative stand point it was perfect.

Also I still have no idea who David is but I want redemption for him too. Honestly I feel like half the supporting cast is gearing up for redemption arcs next season and I am excited for most of them.

Nina’s reaction when she hears Kaz on the boat? Priceless. Actually the whole boat scene from when she goes up on deck again to the cut back to the fold was priceless.

That being said the final scene had me even more ready for season 2.

Jesper kind of gave me messy period-fantasy James Bond? Does that make sense?

And Mal kind of gave me Lois Lane energy? As in he’s the mortal love interest that many assume is the hero/heroine’s weakness but actually functions as their emotional strength and inspiration? Am I reaching here or am I getting somewhere?

Mikhael and Dubrov. What a duo. Absolute madlads.

Also I’d like to see more Nadia if that is possible? Because the few scenes we had of her had me intrigued but then she sort of disappeared? Is she going to be important or was she just more of a temporary supporting character?

I entered this show a casual Six of Crows fan with mild interest in Kanej and I finished this season a mess. A mess who ships Kanej and Malina and Genya with that David guy even though they had about 30 seconds of screentime together and Zoya with redemption and Jesper with main-character status (hey we’re not getting Wylan until season 2 at least) and kind of those two Ravkan army guys and Nina with anyone else and Matthias with a better redemption storyline and the Darkling with karma! Also, a mess with a whole new set of comfort characters!

142 notes · View notes

mooshua · 4 years

Text

hi uh it’s mooshua (aurora, moosh, whatever you want to call me). I’m so sorry about my sudden leave and everything and worrying some of you. that was really uncool of me to do and I really am so regretful for that. honestly I’m kinda embarrassed right now. explaining myself is rather difficult because, I won’t lie, I’ve been having feelings of inadequacy towards both myself and the works I put out. lol so I’m kind of having a hard time articulating my emotions because my mind is all over the place and I’m literally sweating as I type this out.

long story short: I got burnt out, started hating my writing with all my being, accumulated some Not So Nice messages, and then just did not want to be perceived anymore.

the long story: like I said above, I’ve been having Conflicting Feelings with regards to what I have been writing. anytime I read what I wrote I would just feel my gut twist and turn like I was going to throw up because I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. nothing about it was... up to my standard? nothing flowed right, I could point out a billion mistakes, and I wasn’t laughing like I used to. and it wasn’t just feeling embarrassed, it was like whenever I wrote something I would Not Be Having Fun With It because I kept thinking “deadline deadline deadline you need to finish this by the end of this week it’s only 5k words are you saying you can’t come up with a measly chapter in a week you used to be able to write 15 chapters in a month you dog” and I would just force myself to sit in front of my computer for hours and when I finally finished I wasn’t really happy with the final product I would just think “god I need a smoke break” even though I’ve never smoked in my life. and then I’d also get “please update!” messages/comments in the dry periods and, don’t get me wrong I really appreciate that people are reading my stuff, but I’d feel more and more stressed because then I’d automatically think “Oh My God People Are Waiting And I’m Letting Them Down.”

so with all these bad feelings welling up inside me I thought “I need a break.” and that’s what I did. I took like a 3 week break in september/october (I honestly don’t remember because the days have been bleeding together) in hopes that I just needed to rest to get my brain started again! after those 3 weeks I then did the usual routine of writing and updating, but again Things Just Didn’t Feel Right because it felt like I was diving back into that stress inducing spiral of the dreaded Weekly Updates.

I mean, I would get so hung over this stuff because in the back of my mind during my free time I’d be thinking “I could be writing and finishing up both series right now” and you know what? I’d do that. well, I tried at least. I’d force myself to sit and type whenever I had ANY free time because I already had everything planned, I just needed to put words to a page. well, doing that for nights on end was just mentally exhausting me to New Levels. everything I was doing was not sustainable at all.

AND THEN THINGS SLOWLY GOT WORSE because I would have zero confidence in my writing and every week or so I’d get a message in my inbox saying something along the lines of (or rather word for word) “your writing isn’t that good/special/anything new I don’t understand why people are reading it/why you get so many notes/you’re not as funny as you think you are” and at first I would kind of laugh at it and go “oh trust me buddy, I’m wondering the same thing too” and then delete it because I do Not Wish to entertain the thought on my blog, but then I was hitting a new all time low in my mentality and I got another message on the day I deactivated which was a Really Bad Day and it read “your writing isn’t good” and I went back to the chapter I was editing for the day, felt my gut do that twist and I thought “you know what? you’re right. it’s not. goodbye.” pressed the forbidden red button and honestly felt a weight lift off my shoulders because that meant I no longer had to deal with that stupid cycle of constantly updating in order to Feel Something.

I kept thinking “why is this not as fun as it used to be, why am I so stressed out all the time opening that stupid doc and going on my blog?” like I would literally sit down and think about this as if it was a math problem or something. my inadequacies kept rising within me but I would just bottle it up, go to writing and trying to answer messages like nothing was wrong because I really didn’t want to worry anyone or think I was a charity case who needed help, but now that I think about it I really should have talked this out instead keeping my mouth shut. I just thought this was something everyone goes through so I was like whatever it’ll pass. I kept thinking “this shouldn’t be as deep as I’m making it” and brush it aside, but then I kept thinking negatively about my ability to write and literally DREADED sitting down in front of my laptop that I would have to hype myself up in order to get a sentence in. I think the last time I actually felt really proud of something I had written was during the summer...... and then after that it was just downhill.

and listen. I know this is just a Fun endeavor and I really shouldn’t care about what other people think as long as it makes me happy, but along the way I stopped being happy because I started caring Way Too much and putting unrealistic expectations on myself. it’s weird. I know at my Big Age I should have a better mentality, but it’s been eating at me for a while and I just wanted to pull the plug.

okay now the part that a lot of people are wondering: are you going to finish your series? I plan to. I really want to. I think it’d be a waste not to. I’m still feeling pretty conflicted right now with my writing, but I already mapped everything out, and I don’t like to break promises since I already said I was going to do this thing. thanks to anyone who read my works and I’m sorry to have worried you. I just needed to take a step back and think about what’s good for myself.

yeah. so that’s my explanation. this whole thing is so long and for that I’m sorry. if you went through this then pat on the back for you. I don’t know when I’ll come back or how long it will take. I just want time for myself and to not think about anything with regards to writing. like at all. also I only have 1 request: for anyone who downloaded the series from ao3, please do not repost or reupload or redistribute them. please I’m literally begging. I deleted them for a reason and I really don’t like the idea of these stories floating around without my consent. when I do get back into it I’d like to make edits to what I have written. idk if any of my mutuals still want to talk to me after this but feel free to lmk lmfao sorry I know that I sound like I’m off the deep end but I really just need to cool it before I start diving back into a Healthy Relationship With My Writing Hobby lol. why am I so dramatic... SORRY. anyway. I hope you guys are staying happy and healthy during this time. don’t forget that.

#mooshua #shiratorizawa antics #msby black jackals online!

280 notes · View notes

fandom-necromancer · 3 years

Text

Feral for each other

This was prompted by the amazing @smolandangry001! This was fun to write but prepare for angst!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 (Warnings: unpunished police brutality if you think about it, violence)

[Part2]

‘Gavin, I don’t feel good about this.’ ‘I know, babe’, Gavin whispered sitting next to him in the car, watching the others already mill about busy making last preparations. He turned towards the android and tried to smile at him as reassuringly as he could. ‘I’m here, okay? I will look out for you. If you need me, I’ll be there.’ ‘This will be just another Ferndale incident’, Nines disagreed. ‘It was mere luck I didn’t...’ The android looked at his hands contorted to claws and there was horror evident on his face as if he could still see it. Very gently, Gavin took his hands, looked out of the front window and kissed Nines fingers as he was sure no one was looking. ‘Then we’ll be lucky again.’ He pushed Nines fingers close and gifted him yet another smile. ‘We will get this over with, we will both return home tonight. I promise.’ Nines closed his eyes, LED still settled on red when he finally nodded and waited for Gavin to step out of the car. He took his pistol, checked the magazine for the hundredth time and followed Gavin over to their meeting point with SWAT and the FBI team.

‘Any news?’, Gavin asked one of his colleagues, who just pointed to Agent Perkins, who was listening intently to his ear-piece. ‘Captain Allen and Sixty have already met and our favourite RK800 is currently passing through the intel. I bet we are clear to storm in a moment.’ Gavin nodded and watched the building in front of them. He knew why he hated undercover operations: If they went wrong, they went to hell immediately. They were lucky the gang thought they could get their hands on police information. It was the only reason Allen was still alive and they had someone to rescue. Sixty had successfully infiltrated the building and already incapacitated some of the gang-members, but soon it was time for the whole team to go in. And from Perkins’ body language, that moment wasn’t so far away now.

The man nodded and looked over at them. Gavin had never liked the self-righteous asshole, but he had to respect him for his competence in the field. ‘RK900, I want you with my men in the front’, he began to bark. ‘We went over this a hundred times, I won’t repeat myself. Stay with your teams, be careful and stick to the damn plan! We will get this man out alive and well!’ Nines already moved and Gavin fell in step next to him. ‘Reed! On your position!’ The Detective sighed and turned to Perkins. ‘Listen, my position is next to Nines.’ ‘We don’t have time for your rebellious body-cop act. Don’t make me regret agreeing to have you on this mission.’ Gavin clenched his teeth and looked at Nines, who gave him a barely perceivable nod. ‘Alright, listen here Perkins. You might have heard about the Ferndale incident?’ ‘I have, that’s why I want the RK900 on the team.’ ‘Then you might not know I was there too and was the only reason Nines didn’t kill his colleagues, too. So, I guess you would agree that the position I am most useful in is right at his side.’ Perkins watched him with narrowed eyes, but reluctantly nodded. ‘Fine. Stay with him. Don’t cause any problems.’

They joined the first team to enter and Nines sheepishly looked around, avoiding their eyes. ‘Hey, it won’t happen again’, Gavin mumbled under his breath, knowing only the android would be able to hear him. ‘It’s okay, I’m here.’ He couldn’t take his hand out here in the open and hold him, so his soft words had to suffice. The android’s LED turned from red to yellow at least, so that might have been a good sign. He wouldn’t have much time to do anything else anyways as they got the order to move out.

It was a short jog up the hill and down the other side to the building’s main entrance. Nines was in the very front taking the lead, Gavin right behind him and the rest of the team surrounding him. He was a good shot and well-trained, but he was seldom in the situation to actually pull it on people except maybe as an intimidation tactic. He really was mainly here because of Nines. He hoped his own words would prove themselves true and he wasn’t needed.

They breached the doors and were almost immediately met with gunfire they returned. With mechanical efficiency, Nines took out the more difficult targets, incapacitating them with shots in the legs or arms. He rushed in as soon as someone lost their pistol and took care of them with a well placed punch. Then the whole team hurried onwards before anyone could alarm someone, potentially making them harm or kill Allen in their panic.

They ran along the hallway, the sounds of their boots echoing back from the wall. Gavin saw Nines look back at him at least once and they both seemed to relax a little at that. But it wasn’t over yet. They entered yet another big room, Sixty’s intel helping them navigate. They turned right and ran on, only to be stopped once again. Maybe they had already discovered them rushing in or the sound of gunshots had alerted them. Gavin let himself fall back and covered their backs, only to be snatched, when he least expected it: An arm snaked itself around his neck and someone kicked the pistol from his hand. He began to struggle against the hold only to have the barrel of a gun pressed against his head. ‘Everyone drop their weapons and leave!’, the man holding Gavin demanded, but all that entailed was the SWATs to aim back at them. Gavin knew the statistics of a hostage surviving something like this, but somehow hoped they would change in his favour, when his eyes met Nines’. Oh no.

Nines stared at him, but only in the first moment he looked adequately panicked and afraid. Then a look of robotic indifference washed over his face as his body dropped processes active only to integrate with humans: His breathing and blinking stopped, and his stance changed to better supply the full strength and agility of a machine. Gavin swallowed hard and tried to calm himself down ignoring his surroundings. ‘Nines. Nines, it’s okay, calm down. They won’t harm me.’ ‘Shut up! We will!’ Gavin jolted his head and hissed: ‘Listen buddy, you don’t know what’s coming for y-‘ The pressure of the arm around his throat rose and let his words die in his throat. He still tried to look at Nines and contorted his face to something that should have been a calm smile. But he couldn’t control his heart beating in his chest and throat and his laboured breath.

And that action seemed to finally enable Nines’ protocols fully. The android smashed his shoulder into the side of one of the SWAT-members and ripped his weapons off his body to shoot them into the ambushing gang-members. With cold precision, one bullet after the next, the people fell to the ground, dead. RK900 had fired while running up to the man that held Gavin hostage. Now he stood in front of them and punched him in the face while at the same time forcing the gun out of his hand. The man fell to the ground, but the machine wasn’t finished yet, punching him again and again as blood already streamed from his nose. Gavin fell to his knees too, as the arm around his neck had vanished and gasped for air. He allowed himself just a second, before turning to the rest of the SWAT-team and signalling them to get the fuck out of here and continue with the mission.

They didn’t hesitate fleeing, seeing the android still punching the lifeless body of the man who had threatened Gavin. At the sound of their feet, the machine turned around, uniform splattered with blood and seemed ready to run after them not distinguishing between enemy and ally anymore but only analysing threats. As Gavin realised the android was moments away from sprinting off, he pushed himself in his way and held him by the shoulders, knowing there was no way he could actually prevent him from slaughtering his co-workers in this state.

‘RK900, stand down. That’s an order’, he said with stern voice, although he couldn’t hide his panting. ‘All enemies obliterated, disengage soldier protocols.’ The android blinked once, looking at Gavin, but still having that distant look on his face. It wasn’t over yet. ‘You did well, RK900, your target is safe’, Gavin tried to get through to Nines. And that made him blink once again, his LED turning red in an instant. Gavin immediately let go of his shoulders and took his hands. ‘Nines, Nines, look. I’m fine. I’m fine. Don’t worry, I wasn’t hurt. I’m not in danger anymore, I am fine. I am fine. I’m okay. You understand?’ ‘Gavin’, Nines answered, voice loaded with static. ‘Gavin, I saw you… You had a gun against your head and someone held you hostage and-‘ Nines lifted his hands to his head, but Gavin forced them to stay down and instead lifted his own up to make him focus on him. ‘Nines, it’s fine. I’m okay. I’m safe. That happened, but it’s over now. You saved me.’ ‘I… saved you?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Did I…’ He tried to move his head, but Gavin shook his head telling him not to. ‘Yes. You did. Like Ferndale.’ ‘Is… Did I hurt many?’ ‘You killed the ambushing gang-members. The rest of the team is safe. They are off to save Allen.’ ‘How many?’ Gavin looked around and grimaced. ‘Shit, I don’t know. Ten? It looks like more than ten.’ It made the android press his eyes together in pain.

‘Hey, it’s not your fault, okay?’, Gavin tried softly. ‘You were programmed like this. You can’t do anything about it.’ ‘I’m not programmed like this. It’s a malfunction because I…’ ‘There is no one around, Nines, it’s okay. You can say it. I love you too. We will get out of this. I will tell Fowler what happened, that it was self-defence. He will likely give us a pass. Perkins will be pissed, but the guy has zero authority and Fowler hates him. We will be fine, okay?’ Nines shook his head. ‘It won’t. I killed, Gavin.’ ‘You did and so did I on the job. Let’s just say that we will never, ever take a mission like this again.’ ‘I can’t Gavin, Sixty-‘ ‘Sixty’s feelings are his problem. They’ll just send more people. Also, I highly doubt your psycho little brother wouldn’t get Allen out on his own. Only you are important at the moment. And you will be fine. Come on now, let’s get out of here.’

They had barely made it back to the precinct and got Nines’ hands clean of blood and a new change of clothes, as shit hit the fan: Perkins marched up to Fowler’s office, who Gavin had already warned and informed of the situation. It didn’t take long for Fowler to stand up from his chair, so his table was the only barrier between him and the Federal Agent. Soon after the windows were frosted and all that was left was the muffled screaming coming from within.

Nines sunk deeper into his chair as Gavin tended to him, cleaning the joints of his fingers from blood. He had hit the asshole that had held Gavin hard enough to deactivate his artificial skin. Gavin should have been afraid, seeing Nines’ raw strength and fury, but all he could feel was worry. Yes, Nines could be shoved in the backseat by mindless programming that made him go full terminator, forcing him to fight until either everyone was dead, or he couldn’t function anymore. But when he was back in control, he was soft and polite and everything Gavin wasn’t. On their very first occasion the android had caught Gavin off-guard by reacting to his curses by apologising. He was the very first person that managed to make the precinct’s asshole feel sorry and ever since they had been the perfect team. More than that, actually, but they hadn’t told anyone they actually were in a relationship. Not yet, or maybe never.

It broke Gavin’s heart, he had forgotten for the longest time, seeing Nines like this. Ashamed of what he had done, full of regret and worrying for his future. Gavin couldn’t help but set the pipe cleaner aside and brush over his exposed knuckles. ‘It’s okay, Nines. It’s not your fault.’ ‘I know’, the android returned quietly. ‘But I should have known better.’ ‘We will next time’, the Detective reassured him. ‘If there is a-‘

‘There he is!’ The door of Fowler’s office opened, and Perkins hurried down the stairs, face red as a tomato. ‘There is the fucking killerbot you lunatics still let run free! What the fuck is wrong with you? Something malfunctioning? Some mis-wired connection? Or did you just finally decided to turn against humans, huh?’ Nines head dropped, and he pulled his hand out of Gavin’s. ‘I thought you were competent as they told me of Ferndale. But now I realised your damn precinct is just conspiring to keep a cold-blooded murderer in their midst!’ Perkins looked around the precinct that had fallen awfully quiet. ‘I guess it is convenient to have a tool to use when everything went to shit. Send the RK900, it will clear out an entire building, regardless of whether the people inside are criminals or civilians. We can always call on self-defence.’ He shook his head and leaned forwards, looking Nines straight in the eyes. ‘You know what? I think some of you would really have been better off being dismantled at the camps.’

Gavin had watched the whole conversation going down in shock. For once in his life he was missing the words to tell Perkins to fuck off. Because there were no words that would accurately describe what cold hatred he was feeling at that very moment. Silence stretched and with horror, Gavin saw how Nines nodded and hid his hands against his body.

That was it.

‘Perkins, you lousy excuse of a human being!’, he whispered, but in the dead silence of the precinct it was more effective than a scream. ‘You. Goddamn… Phck, I don’t have words for it. What is your twisted mind like that you think you can just say something like this? This android saved my life. And I specifically told you not to take him with you on the mission. But surprise: You cocksure bastard thought I was just some idiot that can be ignored. This is entirely on your poor judgement and you can’t weasel your way out of that!’ Gavin had to take a break to breath as the tension inside his body had made him talk a lot faster than healthy. Perkins used it to open his mouth, but before a word left his throat, Gavin was already back at it: ‘I don’t phcking care what the hell you have to say. You won’t get another chance at insulting my boyfriend, who just went through an event that was traumatic. But you didn’t think of that, right? Not even for a minute, you wasted a thought on putting yourself in his shoes. How do you think it feels to be shoved out of your own body because some asshole thought it would be fun to design a killing machine? You don’t know the first thing about the love of my life, this precinct or our past. So, I would greatly advise you to shut up, leave this precinct and go eat a double decker dick sandwich!’

Once again silence fell, and Gavin knew everyone including Fowler was looking at him. He didn’t care. Not one bit. He could only stare at Perkins unblinking, challenging him to back off. But he didn’t. Of course, he didn’t. ‘Or what?’, he asked with a sly grin. ‘You gonna let your rabid dog off the leash?’ Gavin didn’t hesitate. He had planned this for a while now and he really, really didn’t care anymore. He stepped back and took a swing at Perkins, landing his fist perfectly against his brow and nose to make him stumble back and holding his laceration at the temple. ‘Believe me, that you already did by insulting him. You shouldn’t fear Nines. I am the one that will kick your ass out of here if you are not leaving in the next five seconds.’ ‘You can’t be serious-‘ Gavin hit him again. The fact that no one had yet dared to stand up and intervene meant that most were on his side here. The Detective leaned down to him and whispered once again: ‘Five seconds. Leave. Now.’

Perkins snarled at him, but Gavin’s already lifted fist was enough to convince him in the end and he ran towards the exit, shouting something like: ‘This isn’t over yet!’

Gavin couldn’t keep himself upright any longer and slumped against his table, slowly sinking to the ground. ‘Phck. I just punched a Federal Agent. I’m so damn screwed.’ He let his head fall into his hands. Then there was another one in front of his face, offering to help him up. It was Hank, Connor next to him. Nines was standing at his side too but looked more worried than comforting. ‘Don’t worry, Reed’, Hank laughed. ‘I did that too, once. Was actually quite satisfying as you might know now.’ ‘Yeah. I can still prepare to get my stuff and search for a new job now.’ ‘Don’t think so. You should have seen Fowler’s face. Don’t worry.’

Gavin turned around and looked Nines up and down, who in the end just stepped forwards and pulled Gavin in a strong hug. ‘Wanted to congratulate you two’, Gavin heard Connor’s distant voice. ‘Didn’t know you two were together.’ Both Nines and Gavin froze and looked at each other. ‘What?’ ‘You said he was your boyfriend.’ ‘I… did?’ ‘Yep.’

Gavin looked at Nines face that just pleaded him to go home and hold each other in the safety of their bedroom. It made him smile in contentment, because honestly, he would love to do that. ‘Yeah. I love him more than anything.’

[>next part]

#detroit become human #dbh #Reed900 #RK900 #Gavin Reed #God I loved writing this #I honestly thought I forgot to write but it worked out in the end #I want to write so much more #I have no idea how I will survive this hiatus but oh well...#I guess this counts as #the feels

35 notes · View notes

boop-le-snoot · 3 years

Text

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 28

First time reader click here

TWs/SUMMARY: Hulk interaction Hulk interaction Hulk interaction. Plot is thickening. Feelings. Operation Baby Thief! A wild Coulson appears. Lokireader besties <3 There's just a lot going on.

Bruce hulked out within minutes of my confession.

As I stood in the middle of the common room, partially hidden behind Loki and scrunching the fabric of my hoodie, I had no choice but to observe the reactions of various Avengers to the fact someone might have... Predictably, Sam, Tony and Stephen looked like kicked puppies. I trusted Loki to handle that part. Steve, Bucky and Natasha had murder on their mind and Thor, Pietro just stared at me, aghast.

I noticed the tinge of green before anybody else, perhaps, because I'd been used to automatically seek comfort from Bruce. My interactions with Hulk, however brief and few and in-between, were positive. As much as they could be with a someone's alter-ego that possessed the emotional intelligence of a twelve year old. So I could safely say that what startled me was the noise of Bruce transforming and not the Hulk himself.

The Hulk growled, zeroing in on me - I remembered of Loki, who stood frozen, and their mutual disregard. The decision was prompt - I stepped out from behind the Asgardian, waving shyly at the large green creature. He was LARGE. Like, I could comfortably sit on one of his shoulders.

"Hey, Hulk. I'm alright, don't worry big guy," I took unhurried steps towards the agitated creature. He seemed to be satisfied with my statement, giving me another once over and growling quietly in the back of his throat. An idea struck me: "Wanna get out of here? The gym has more space, we can sit and talk there."

The stares I was getting were downright incredulous. Here I was, an average human being, fearlessly making my way over to the destruction machine that was the Hulk. I knew he wouldn't hurt me - on purpose.

"No," He growled. "We find bad man. Then Hulk smash." The green creature raised, I had to admit, valid points.

"It's going to be pretty boring though. We have to sort through the security footage, then probably traffic cams, then hold Steve back from going in there in Terminator mode..." I listed off all the logical steps of the investigation until I reached the Hulk. My neck was going to get a crick in it from tilting it so I could see his face. "I'd rather..." I didn't get to finish my sentence as I was suddenly picked up. One large hand gently cradled me to Hulk's chest, akin to a kitten, the other hand landing right under my butt.

I heard a collective exhale from the team, acutely aware of the way they were eyeing me and Hulk.

"Boring," The green creature agreed. His face briefly contorted in what I perceived to be an intense thought process. "Necessary." The word had to come from Bruce; it slipped out with difficulty off the Hulk's tongue, stiff.

"Not you too, big guy," I giggled-slash-groaned, giving a playful slap to the hand wrapped around me. "Fine. Let's get this over with." I looked around in search of a spot for Hulk to park his butt somewhere. The ceiling was barely tall enough for him to comfortably stand.

I needn't have worried as he simply sat down cross-legged right where he stood, still holding me to his chest. "Now," He announced, looking expectantly at Tony.

The engineer chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. "Yeah, you're right, big guy. Let's find this sonuvabitch." Tense snorts and sounds of agreement filled the room, drowning out the noise of Tony tapping on his keyboard and communicating with Friday.

I poked Hulk in one green, large finger. "Maybe I could sit on your shoulder?"

He nodded, letting me crawl all over his green, hard chest and arms to sit on the large expanse of his left shoulder. It was comfortable as far as shoulders go; inwardly, I squeed like a mad woman. I was friends with the Hulk and I was sitting on his shoulder! Lost in my fangirling, I absentmindedly began messing with his dark hair, only noticing it when satisfied rumbling started coming from his chest. The Hulk was... Purring?

"Puny Banner upset," Hulk declared shortly after the team found the man who drugged me and started tracking his movements. It wasn't someone who'd been invited to the party, which meant there was a serious security breach - it was all hands on deck kind of situation.

"Yeah, I can understand that. I'm pretty upset too, the hangover I got was terrible, I threw up in Loki's apartment," I said, frowning. "And my boys are going to mope now," I rolled my eyes.

"Banner says he will talk with them," Hulk replied, placing hand over my legs. "Hulk will help Banner."

I couldn't help it, I snorted. "Gonna smash some common sense into them?" He grinned at me, too mischievous for someone who was described to be a mindless destruction machine. "I think they're beyond that."

"I can hear you two talking shit about me and I do not appreciate it," Tony piped up suddenly, shooting us a hurt look. To be fair, his shoulders looked considerably less tense and the cloud over his face had dissipated by a little bit. Me and Hulk managed to erase at least some of the guilt away. I think. Stephen, however, still remained frowning and closed-off.

"You're stupid, Tony." Hulk answered, sounding a little bit smug. I gaped at the exchange together with Natasha and Steve. It seemed like Hulk's sense of... Humor was a novelty.

"Hey, don't pick on my dumbass white boys," I chastised the green... Man, side-eyeing him. "Only I can pick on them. If someone else does it, I'mma throw hands if I have to."

"Puny," Hulk replied petulantly, poking me with a finger, making me sway in my spot. I rolled my eyes fondly, settling in to mess with his hair again for the sake of having something to do with my hands. The brief exchange helped to get my overactive brain off the case but the tranquility didn't last very long.

Natasha and Bucky left to interrogate the guards responsible for the security breach, Loki shooting me an apologetic look and following the two. I smiled back, knowing the Asgardian wasn't fully comfortable being around the Hulk due to his previous experiences with the big guy.

"Wait, hold on. That guy. I know that guy." As an array of faces appeared on the large screen, a familiar pair of mismatched eyes stared at me from it. Hulk tensed under me and the team turned towards me expectantly as I shrunk slightly under their combined gaze. "The one with anisocoria - with the weird eyes. He works at a coffee shop near my school, actually he only started working recently, few months ago. He tried to flirt with me but Peter said he felt weird about the guy so I stopped going to that café." I explained the situation as eloquently as I could, seeing Clint's eyes widen at my story.

"Are you sure?" Stephen Strange raised an eyebrow. "Because that man is a mercenary that we have been looking for months."

I felt my heart skip a beat. "A what now?" My ears were ringing. Hulk growled quietly under me, evidently sensing my distress.

"A hired man," Clint typed on his phone rapidly. "Mostly sells not-so-harmless trinkets on the black market. Hydra, AIM, you name it. Anything for the highest bidder." Clint muttered. "I'm calling Peter, maybe he can tell us something more. This is an Avengers level threat." The Hawk's jaw was firm and his face was hard.

"Already on it," Tony looked shaken. I understood him - someone like that had invaded his tower, his home. Hell, I myself felt like someone had spit right in my soul. It was my home, too, to some extent.

"Let me down please, Tony needs a hug," I whispered to the Hulk, who begrudgingly did as I requested. I padded over to Tony, wrapping myself around him, burying my face in the crook of his neck. He always was my comfort; expensive cologne and motor oil filled my senses as my arms clutched at his chest from behind. I didn't expect reprocitation - Tony wasn't the one for emotional vulnerability.

"He could have gotten you," He whispered, almost inaudibly, fingers shaking where they typed rapid-fire commands.

"Bold of you to assume I would have gone down without a fight," I answered as calmly as I could. "He is either dumb, or reckless or has nothing to lose. Planning a coup in the middle of your tower..."

"Or he's showing us that he can just do that," Clint supplied unhelpfully. "The guard who let him in just has been found dead and his family is missing. Natasha texted, she's calling in SHIELD. This is now Operation Baby Thief."

I couldn't help the snort that escaped my lips. "Baby Thief, really?"

"Nobody's stealing Princess," Tony barked, finally turning his head and pressing a sloppy kiss to my cheek. "Not if I have to do anything with it."

"I will make sure the pathetic mortal scum never walks," Thor finally piped up, voice low. In the distance, the harsh noise of thunder and pouring rain echoed through the city.

I frowned but withdrew from Tony, finally feeling well enough to do something. My hands itched to help and as appealing as snuggling with Hulk appeared, my brain had gone straight into overdrive. "Should we take a blood sample to find out what he dosed me with? It's not Roofies, and the hangover is too shitty for it to be anything like Ecstasy." I mused out loud, pacing in the small space between the Hulk and the nearest wall.

"That is a sensible idea," Doctor Strange piped up, giving me an appreciative look. "We'll wait for Romanoff," One angry look at his own scarred, shaking hands, Stephen went back to the book he was reading. He needed a hug, too, I decided.

"Puny Banner will do it," Hulk suddenly announced, reaching out for me.

I obliged, giving the green giant a hug. "Maybe we can go play in Central Park once it's warmer, whatcha think?" I looked up at him, brain just so full of different things. Ideas bounced off one another like ping pong balls.

The Hulk grinned and... Well, I didn't see the transformation, my eyes shut themselves as soon as I felt the flesh under my palms begin to shrink and expand. It wasn't that I was afraid, rather, the feeling was so bizarre that my racing brain had to automatically shut down in fears of being overstimulated.

"Hi," Bruce supplied meekly, an adorable blush staining his cheeks. I didn't resist the urge to kiss and hold him close, and we stood there with him holding up his pants with one hand and clutching my hoodie with the other until Tony cleared his throat.

"You good, Brucie-bear?" The engineer gave a distracted smile towards us, not taking his eyes off the keyboard.

"Yes, Tones," The scientist replied easily, adding with a frown: "I'm glad me and Hulk finally agree on something." With that, he departed in the search of normal pants and the tools needed to acquire my blood sample.

I gave it without much fuss, waving to Bucky, Natasha and Loki that had returned with a middle-aged, balding man in tow. The shared look of amusement between Steve and Bucky and the man's starry-eyed look towards the Captain let me deduce it was one Agent Coulson, the very same man Tony couldn't stop telling stories about, the one with the Captain America trading cards.

So, mayhaps, me taking place in Stephen's lap while Bruce filled up three whole vials full of my blood wasn't exactly the smartest way to go about it. Tony found it amusing, Steve was shaking his head in fond annoyance and Stephen himself struggled to maintain his indifference, yet, the blush betrayed him.

"Agent, what brings you to our humble abode?" Tony snorted, seeing the man raise an eyebrow at the display of affection.

"Operation Baby Thief," Coulson replied with a sigh. "I see the Baby is secure. Keep it that way." Oh, the man was cheeky. I liked him already.

"The Baby has a Tony, a Sorcerer Supreme and a Hulk," I retorted haughtily. "And a functional brain. Fuck that guy."

"Indeed," Coulson snorted. "Tell me, what do you know about the Hamptons incident?"

I blanched, immediately tensing. Bruce withdrew the needle and pressed a bandage over the wound, running gentle fingers over my arm. Everybody must've noticed my surprise, turning to me with their faces full of expectation. Stephen's touch was calming, slightly trembling at the nape of my neck.

"Not much, to be honest. I was about thirteen when it happened and my mother tried to hide it from me," I chewed on my lip, looking away. "What I managed to find out is that there was a robbery that resulted in two deaths, my father being one of the suspects because he was high as hell on coke and he was found sleeping in the same room as the open gun safe," I recalled the memories of mother angrily screaming at dad, calling her law firm colleagues late at night. "I don't need a law degree to know the evidence was flimsy. Dad got a drug charge, his buddies got the same and both the killer and the gun were never found." I exhaled loudly, tapping my foot on the floor, supressing the need to pace.

Coulson nodded, opening a thin manila folder and producing an image of a small, wooden box with carvings that looked like runes on it. "Have you seen this object?"

I felt my blood run cold, my vision swam. "Yes," I swallowed dryly. "That's my end-of-the-world box. I buried it in my grandparents' backyard two years ago."

"End of the world?" Coulson asked, alarmed. "Did you open it?"

"No," I shook my head negative. "I found it in my room at one point and every time I looked at it, it felt... Wrong. Like it was a glitch in a computer game. I couldn't sleep, so I stuck it in my closet and that gave me terrible nightmares and sleep paralysis. I took it with me when I went to visit Gramps and buried it three feet deep under the cherry tree." My hands were shaking once again; I had forgotten about the box but my body remembered the primal, untameable terror that I experienced in it's proximity. At fourteen years old, I just thought I had an overactive imagination or something, too many horror movies, hormonal storms.

"That is a magical artifact," Stephen's voice was quiet and concerned. "A very dangerous, destructive at that. How long were you in it's presence?"

"About nine months, give or take."

"And you didn't open it once, not even a little bit?" Tony had caught on the trend, almost a hysterical edge to his voice.

"No, and I think I know why," I looked to the side. "I saw Wanda on the TV, and, like, magic was confirmed to be real, so I guess I was sure whatever is in there, it wasn't good. During that time, my parents told me I was sleepwalking but I can't remember any of it. I might have wanted to get that box to someone of your... Specialty," I briefly messed with the sleeve of Stephen's shirt, exhaling loudly when his hand grasped mine and held it with care. "I think that box messed with my head... Because I swear that I had no recollection of it until you brought it up," I realized suddenly, my eyes shooting up in blind panic. What else have I forgotten?!

"That is astonishing," Loki's baritone exclaimed. "Nine months is a long time to resist the pull of such a strong artifact." My best friend stated with a great deal of respect.

People in the room started talking all at once. Stephen and Tony declared I needed to get checked out by a professional - Tony meaning s doctor and Stephen meaning a healer of the magical kind; Bruce scooted over and pulled my frozen body in a solid hug; Steve and Bucky planned out to get the box from my grandparents' house, debating whether to take Loki or Thor with them; the SHIELD part of the team discussing the intel and further plans to catch the rogue mercenary.

The door opened quietly.

"Hi everybody, hello Mr. Stark," Peter was disheveled, his ratty backpack in one hand and an enormous sandwich in another. "Got here as fast as I could. What's up?"

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings @vozit @littlegasps @pilloclock @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads @hermione-grangers-wife @individualistfem @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95

#party favours #bun writes #tony stark x y/n #tony stark x reader #tony stark x you #bruce banner x reader #bruce banner x y/n #bruce banner x you #stephen strange x y/n #stephen strange x you #stephen strange x reader

84 notes · View notes

tigerdrop · 3 years

Note

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

43 notes · View notes

mittensmorgul · 3 years

Note

Can’t everyone use tumblr how they want?

YES!

This site is exactly what people make of it for themselves. That was the exact point of that post. The fact that people reacted negatively to it at all proves my point. Seriously.

I have a number of other anons that are clearly from people who don't actually follow me, and are only here in a reactionary fashion having seen it on someone else's reblog, or else heard about it in passing and decided the best reaction to an ultimately harmless and rather bumbling post was to take personal offense and bring anonymous hate to a stranger on the internet. (and at least one not-anonymous "go kill yourself" type comment on the post itself)

THAT was the point of making that post.

For people who might be new to this fandom or new to tumblr in general (or even for people who have been here for years), your experience here is exactly what you make of it. I haven't seen that sort of vitriolic kneejerk reaction to anything I've written or posted in years. That post touched nerves. So it was a bit of an experiment, and I'm sorry to everyone who experienced any of that negativity second-hand. NOBODY should be made to feel like shit when engaging with something that is supposed to be fun. But I've learned over the years that that's exactly what some people consider fun.

There are new people to this fandom since the absolute free for all of the weeks after November 5th. We all reveled in those weeks before the show collapsed in on itself two weeks later. It was like 15 years worth of Hiatus Blogging followed by... well... some of the worst genuine hurt and disillusionment I've ever experienced or witnessed inflicted on a fandom by a piece of media.

There have to be at least a few people who floated into this fandom during that emotional roller coaster who want to make sense of it all, who were at least curious enough about how a show could've brought the characters to that emotional moment in 15.18 before effectively ignoring it all and burning the entire 15 year narrative to nothing just two episodes later.

Some folks stuck around to dig through the ashes of fandom in search of carrion, and that's fine. Some have zero desire to ever engage with the show or the fandom beyond mocking it for ever having existed at all, and that is also fine! But some folks? They might be wondering why anyone ever saw anything in this narrative to begin with, and they might be interested in knowing that there is this vast collection of information available to them (funny that none of my self-righteous anons even mentioned those, outside of one pointing out that my phrasing introducing that section of links was easily interpreted as condescending... which... yeah... again that was the point, and no I will not edit that language. none of us are free from sin).

Tumblr hasn't "changed." It was always this way. This site is not a monolith. Fandom is not a monolith. Even smaller groups within fandom aren't monoliths. Things that are considered "tumblr standard etiquette" do not exist across this entire website. And even within the supernatural fandom, and even within the tumblr-destiel-portion of the fandom there aren't "rules" dictating how you interact with anyone. Well, the one specific rule we should all be able to agree on is that you don't bring hate to real actual human beings, and yet...

There has ALWAYS been the option to engage with fandom here on whatever level an individual chooses. And that hasn't really changed since the finale aired. Anyone who thinks that Tumblr or the fandom has "evolved" or "changed" has likely just fallen in with a different fandom bubble then they'd existed within before. None of the bubbles have actually popped or disappeared. But which one you experience is entirely your own choice. You curate your experience here.

That was the point, illustrated by the vast array of comments I actually got on that post, structured with a little bit of everything including "tumblr mom from 2014." Everything pisses some people off, you know? Even the perception that some stranger on the internet might dare to lay down an arbitrary "rule" that zero people actually have to follow. See what I mean?

Because if any of the people who kneejerked at it actually followed me, or knew me at all, they wouldn't have kneejerked. They would've seen the point.

So your experience is what you make of it here. There are resources for people actually interested in engaging with the narrative or the fandom or the history of it. People mock "tumblr moms" or "fandom moms" all the time, but there wouldn't ~be~ a fandom without the people who actually build those resources. I.e. adults with the time, money, and personal investment in actually sustaining the fandom, instead of running around with torches trying to burn it down at every new whiff of perceived ~drama~ to latch on to.

For example, all of the scripts we've been acquiring and sharing with the entire fandom free of charge. I know that the fandom bubbles who seize on those scripts like hungry vultures to cough back up out of context "gotcha" posts postulating whatever theory of the differences between script and screen will dredge up the most drama or outrage in their fandom bubble... they haven't even considered how those scripts were acquired and made available to them. To them, they are "leaks." They are gifts that fell out of the sky and landed in their laps. There isn't even the barest curiosity about their origins or relevance beyond whatever social nourishment they derive by making up stuff and spouting it out with unearned authority. It's sad. But if that's how they enjoy the fandom, it's nice to remind them that none of the fandom they cannibalize would exist without the rest of us, too.

Yes, even the people you disagree with. Even the people who ship the things you find disgusting or repulsive. Even people who have an entirely different experience to your own. Even the people who are only here for those gotcha posts.

Fandom is not by nature a nihilistic shitshow, or no fandom would survive the amount of drama the 1% try to bring to it. Here have a fanlore article about this phenomenon. Right now, in Supernatural fandom, it feels like more than 1%, but I promise it really is only 1%. They're just really loud. There's actually other avenues to participatory fandom available to anyone who chooses to find them. Parts of this vast fandom that aren't focused on that 1% of reactionary leg-chewing at every turn. None of them are (as the linked article confirms) truly 100% free of unnecessary drama or bad behavior (including ME, I mean I MADE THAT POST!), but on tumblr you can curate your own experience. Fandom actually can be fun without burning down the thing you claim to be a fan of, or attacking other real human people for having the audacity to exist on the internet in a way you might believe is out of touch or pathetic. Seriously, nobody deserves to experience that from anyone over a fucking television show. Like seriously, take a step back and examine your life and your choices at that point.

Tumblr was exactly the same as a fandom community when I joined as it is now. Throughout my entire time here, I've curated my own personal experience to exactly what I derive the most personal satisfaction from. During that time I have had numerous friends and mutuals lament that their personal experience had become so toxic, but they were afraid to trim those blogs from their dash for fear of having no content left to engage with at all. For years there have been follow lists and blog recs and people desperate to find a more "peaceful and fun" fandom experience. People grow exhausted and embittered when their entire experience of fandom is an emotionally draining drama train. It's like pandemic doom scrolling, but for the thing that should be a respite from that sort of mindset, something that's supposed to be entertainment. The show did enough to us all, we don't have to turn around and re-inflict it on each other day in and day out on tumblr dot com.

So if even one person saw my post and thought well shit maybe I actually want to engage with a wider swath of fandom and see what's there, after seven months of post-finale drama, this whole other region of fandom is still here, still being the curators of the archives, the creators of stories and art and meta and gifs and videos and actually caring about it all that will keep this fandom going long after the current round of exhausting drama inevitably plays itself out.

The amount of in-group language in the negative replies I got was unsurprising. It's like folks are living in an alternate universe that doesn't mesh at all with what I experience on this exact same hellsite. Almost like we exist in entirely different bubbles of fandom, with entirely different purposes for existing at all. Everyone on this hellsite gets to pick which bubble (or bubbles) to take up residence in. Some people simply forget that their personal bubble isn't the universal defining experience of this site. Unfortunately, I doubt my little disruption to their bubbles will actually make any of them see that, but you anon... I think you did.

You are highly encouraged to engage with fandom EXACTLY THE WAY YOU CHOOSE. You have the ultimate power in controlling your entire experience here. Tumblr and Supernatural Fandom on tumblr is not Just One Thing that everyone who wants to participate in must conform to one specific code of ethics or behavior to be part of. And that NOBODY has the right to tell anyone else they're doing it wrong (including ME! I am 100% including myself in this!).

It's not MY job to dictate how anyone else experiences this fandom, as much as it was not the job of the people who reblogged my post (which I did not personally shove into their eyeballs with a demand for compliance... how did any of those people even *find* my post?) solely to tell me how *I* need to change how I experience the fandom, you see? Don'tcha love hypocrisy!

But the point was made for those who care, and a lot of people got to update their block lists (I still don't block anyone, as I said I curated my fandom space here and generally don't follow folks that don't personally make me happy and enrich my life by engaging with their content. However other people choose to engage with *my* content (any of it, going back nearly 50k posts over the last decade) is their business entirely. Sometimes I just feel the need to draw out people who are all too eager to expose their own whole asses in public. Mission accomplished.

#fandom problems #and again i'm sorry that anyone i know was exposed to ugliness because of this #but everyone i know also knows that i'm probably the least easily upset person in this corner of the fandom #if even one person achieved a modicum of self-awareness that their experience is not universal #that there IS no universal experience even #then i guess the point was made

16 notes · View notes

k-writer1998 · 3 years

Text

Who Said Love Was Easy (3/12)

There are many different kinds of people who come and go from your life. Some will stay constant and sturdy like a river, growing alongside you, others will come like a whirlwind who wreaks havoc and leaves just as quickly, then there is everything in between. In this twisted maze of connections, that is where our story begins. A steadfast boy, a girl with a past, a little bit of alcohol, mistakes, and some love. Where can you go wrong with that?

angsty fluff

w.c: 2.1k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summer lectures, design deadlines and no focus because of that brat. It’s been three years, they shouldn’t have this effect on me anymore… Even if I tell myself that, that woman has such a strong oppressive energy. I always feel like I’m suffocating. Ugh just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. Needing a change of pace I decided to walk to the pub to wait for Changbin. The bustle of the city was a comforting white noise to drown out my thoughts since I really needed to just… not think for a bit. That is, until I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand. With this new sense of anxiety I finally noticed the black car, not so subtly, following me. Luckily the street the pub was on was too narrow for cars and it was entering my line of sight. I checked my phone reflection as a man got out and of course it would be him. Picking up my pace to get away did nothing as he still caught me and forced me to turn around, keeping a hold on my wrist.

“Why are you running away from me?”

“I don’t know, maybe because some random car was following me, a girl who is alone, for over five minutes?” I reply sarcastically.

“I’ve been calling you but you weren’t answering.”

“Call? I probably blocked your number. Look, I’m not interested in pretending to rekindle some broken bond.”

“Y/n… don’t be like this you know I-”

“Don’t pull the remorseful brother act, Youngho-oppa. If you really cared you would have looked for me after I left,” I spat.

Unlike his sister Younghee who openly showed her indifference, not hearing from him was worse than being thrown out. Youngho was the only one in the entire family that showed me a smidge of kindness, let alone acknowledging my presence when no one else did. It wasn’t until a year after being kicked out did I learn I was nothing more than a stray puppy he played with cause he was bored.

“Don’t be like this y/n. Mom hasn’t been in the right state of mind since dad died. She didn’t mean to hurt you and she’s trying to make it up to you,” he coaxed, pulling me in to stop the wandering ears from hearing.

“That’s a load of shit and you know it. That woman never liked me the minute I was brought in and she made sure everyone but dad knew that. Will she give back the shares to dad’s company that are rightfully mine?”

His eyebrow twitched and I caught the crack in his facade. Every single one of them are selfish creatures and they will never betray their true nature, a fact I learned the hard way and will not underestimate again.

“Y/n things are sensitive now as is, you can’t just ask for something like that. Why would you want something like those? Aren’t you studying design?”

“Wow, someone did their research. If design doesn’t work I should at least have the shares to give me some support. It was a decent portion wasn’t it?” I pushed.

“Stop acting like a child there are bigger things going on so just cooperate. The faster you do the less we have to see each other. Do you think I have time to chase you around like this?”

And his true color shows. By now his hold on my arm had turned into a vice grip and it hurt like hell but I couldn’t show weakness now, they don’t get to win after everything.

“Ha… I can’t believe I waited six months to hear from you like you actually cared. Sometimes you really are worse than your mother.”

My head snapped to the side in an instant and it was numb for a moment before the stinging settled in. I knew something of this caliber would happen… for his own reasons he hated his mother. Who knew it would tick him off that much? Before either of us could come back from the shock, a hand broke the hold on my wrist and my line of sight was covered by someone’s back. The mystery person shielded me from my brother and I immediately recognized the ring on their pinky. Should I be glad or panicked that Jeongin’s here?

“Sorry I’m late, is this person bothering you?”

“Oh? Is this your boyfriend?” Youngho smirked, eyeing him up and down.

“No.” I roll my eyes, trying my best to mask my unease. Jeongin doesn’t need to be dragged into my family drama. I tug at his hand lightly and he turned to look back at me, “Come on, we’re late meeting the others. This conversation is over anyways.”

Once in front of the pub, Jeongin turned to examine my face. Seeing such concern in his eyes I couldn’t stop the surge of emotion that came over me as tears started to fall.

“Are you okay?! You must’ve been scared…” he panicked and I shook my head.

“Thank you,” I sniffed.

“You still got hit… I can’t believe-”

“It’s whatever.” This was not the first time someone from that family raised their hand to me, I expected nothing less… and I did purposefully push his buttons. “I deserved it. I provoked him.”

In an instant my gaze that was trained on the ground was forced to meet his piercing eyes by the gentle force of his hand nudging my chin. He had leaned in so that we were eye level and my brain nearly short circuited at his close proximity. Well that’s one way to stop tears.

“It doesn’t matter if you provoked him, that shouldn’t have happened y/n. No one deserves that, do you understand?”

It surprised me how serious he was about this. I don’t know if it was the butterflies from how close he was or the unsettling feeling of being… perceived, but I couldn’t think. Instead I numbly nodded, my eyes never leaving his as if under a spell. The corner of his lips quirked up at my response before he ushered me into the pub and sat me in my usual seat. He tossed a bag to Chan, that I hadn’t noticed he had, before disappearing to the back. Jeongin re-emerged with some ice and placed it on my face causing me to wince a bit. Taking it from his hands, he reached for my arm but I instinctively pulled away.

“Is your arm okay?”

“It’s fine. Probably slightly bruised at most but nothing serious.”

He eyed me suspiciously but before he could say anything Jaehyung barged over, worry written all over his face.

“Y/n! What happened?!”

“It’s nothing,” I smiled. He immediately whirled on Jeongin and gave him a pointed look.

“I caught some guy bothering her when I was out buying Chan-hyung some Advil and he… slapped her,” he responded guiltily.

I don’t know if I should admire or be annoyed by his honesty. I tiredly rubbed my forehead, already feeling the anger rolling off of Jaehyung.

“Don’t feel guilty Jeongin,” I smiled before turning to Jaehyung. “Thanks for getting mad for me but it’s not worth it Jaehyung-oppa.”

“Was it your fam-”

“Yes,” I cut him off, but that was more than enough for Jeongin to put the pieces together. Not wanting to hear anything from either of them I add, “I’m fine, really. Plus Changbin is coming so don’t worry okay?”

“Not worry? You usually end up home drunk and always make bad decisions with him.”

“Ninety-six percent of the time it’s me, bad decisions help relieve stress you know,” I smile like a child trying not to get in trouble.

Jaehyung ruffled my hair with a resigned sigh before telling me not to come home too drunk and went off. Jeongin kept me company but I had to ignore his eyes that were filled with questions I didn’t want to answer. Luckily Changbin came soon after but his eyes zeroed in on my cheek and was ready to square up with Jeongin before I intervened.

"Nope. I'll explain later, let's go." I gave him no time to argue as I waved Jeongin goodbye and sped to the door.

Knowing that I’ve come from a deprived childhood, Changbin’s lenient with me and my impulses. That being said, tonight is a total bust. Instead of somewhere fun, we’re at some restaurant because as Changbin puts it, he needs to “gage my recklessness” since I “act up more” when my family is involved.

“I ordered some food… and alcohol since I promised to take you out to have fun but before that, what the hell happened? Who hit you? Wh-”

“Are you going to keep going or do you actually want me to answer the questions?”

“Obviously answer them you smart ass. ”

“Long story short it was Youngho and the guy from the pub basically saved me more or less.”

His eyes softened at the mention of my brother. The first six months I was kicked out I stayed with Changbin until Hyorin, my mom's best friend who had been acting like an actual guardian for me since my dad died, helped me find an affordable place. He’s the one who saw the emotional toll it took when the one person I believed to be on my side threw me away.

“I would’ve thought he would be too busy with company stuff to come out, especially since he is under a microscope right now with the chairman’s health issues and all.”

“That’s why wicked stepmother and her children are on my tail. They’re trying to exploit our relationship, tied by nothing more than my father’s blood, to try to win grandma over cause she is fond of me and has a big share.” I ran an annoyed hand through my hair before whining, “so can we go clubbing?”

“Yeah… no. I’ll be having to pry off some guy from trying to take you home because you’re wasted.”

“No. That only happened like… four? times…”

“Four times too many. But drink your fill here and let Mr. Neighbor know that you’re staying at mine. If I bring you home drop dead drunk again I think he would actually kill me.”

“You’re probably right,” I laugh before shooting a quick text to Jaehyung. Once I put my phone down, the waitress came in with our order and I pointed at Changbin, “no talking about the unholy trinity or I’m leaving to go be unsupervised.”

“Yes, yes. I spoil you too much,” he sighs before adding, “how is the chairman anyways?”

“Grandpa still wants to believe I don’t exist and last I heard from grandma was that his heart isn’t in good health. It’s hard to treat when they’re trying to hide it from the company. Everyone knows he’s sick but not how bad,” I respond flatly.

“... Okay one question and I’ll stop. Who are the other runner ups other than… you know who?”

I downed my second shot in annoyance. Changbin and Jaehyung could be good friends if they let it happen, they’re both so nosy… I could care less about company drama though so I tell him. Not like I’ll get in trouble.

“I- Are you asking me to leave?”

“Oh come on, if they’re this desperate that means there are other strong candidates right?”

“Fine.” I glare, shoving some food in my mouth before answering, “They’re looking into my cousin Wooin and a long-term director Jihyo. They have high performance with successful big projects under their belt in addition to having the favor of various important people.”

“Okay, so what’s this about finding Loverboy? It’s been what? A year with no contact?”

“Of course I do. That was the first time I formed a fat crush on a guy I just met,” I roll my eyes. “It’s the guy you wanted to beat up, Jeongin. It’s been a few months but he’s been working at Jaehyung’s pub.”

I don’t know if it was the alcohol doing its job but I started to get sentimental as I thought back to our first meeting. That night was during a relatively low point in my life and I was losing touch with the world around me, but he was the first thing I found interest in after a long time. As if my brain wanted to torture me, the image of his face mere inches from mine popped back into my mind.

“Did something already happen?! Your face is red!”

“Shut up. He still has a girl he likes so no.”

“Still?” Changbin whistles in surprise, “That’s what I call devotion. Does he remember you?”

“Nope. To make matters… interesting, she works there too and has a crush on Jaehyung-oppa.”

“Wait that cute new waitress? On that old man? And I thought you had problems,” he laughs.

#stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids au #skz imagines #skz au #yang jeongin #jeongin imagines #jeongin au #server! jeongin x regular! y/n #my writing #wslwe?

7 notes · View notes

apathetically-hopeful · 3 years

Text

5/22/21 Learning

I’ve always prided myself on being reasonably intelligent. The phrase my family and those I care about always used was “book smart”. Coming from a family that is somewhat rough around the edges, sometimes this felt like a backhanded compliment. Like maybe they didn’t view me to be as strong as them emotionally or to be able to handle real world experiences. I always found that I took some level of offense to that; and I think I let it shape me more than I know.

The thing is; I’m starting to learn that I am actually, incredibly emotionally stunted. Spending years wearing my sense of apathy like a suit of armor, hid the fact that I was actually rotting from the inside out. There was a certain level of arrogance in my ability to justify my actions and emotional shortcomings by way of logic and reason. When people around me would become overly emotional I would often retreat into myself even further; often becoming annoyed or even angry by someone’s inability to control their emotions.

The realization is finally starting to dawn on me though; these people weren’t weak. In fact they were far stronger than I ever allowed myself to be. I spent so long thinking that not giving myself an opportunity to feel what my emotions were trying to tell me, allowed me to maintain a level of cold rationality in my decision making. Being so emotionally closed off only ensured that I would continue to fail in reaching my potential in life. All these people that I felt were slaves to their emotions were actually gaining far more valuable knowledge than me.

I’ve fallen so far behind in this race that I’m struggling not only to catch up, but also just to catch my breath. I’m learning now that not everything needs to be ruled by ruthless logic. The answers to some of life’s difficulties rests in our hearts. If I’d followed my heart more, and just allowed myself to feel what it is I needed to feel, then I think I would find myself in a much better position in life currently. This is definitely a new curriculum for me, and it’s time I started learning.

This past week has been full of trials to test my emotional aptitude; most of which I have failed miserably. I think my first lesson was the failures themselves. What I discovered was that I wasn’t as discouraged and hopeless as I’d been in the past. The lesson was found in the fact that I needed to completely reshape my approach to how I’ve been handling things lately. Taking responsibility for all my newfound emotional vulnerability was the task that I set for myself. Due to my need to constantly try to place my perceived needs and desires on others, led me to the precipice of nearly losing everything I was working for.

I almost lost myself this week, I was working so hard at what I wanted, and not nearly hard enough at what I needed. It became imperative for me to really take a step back and listen; to try to find a way to validate not only my emotions, but the emotions of the people around me. Compromise and communication will truly take you places in life. The compromise part of this was something I always half committed to. Compromise for me usually meant getting just about everything I wanted, whilst giving as little ground as possible. It took someone, that I care very deeply about, putting their foot down to me, and me nearly losing that person completely, for me to understand that this was a zero sum game. I didn’t want to win anymore if it meant that she lost.

Bringing one’s self to the brink of despair, in order to start learning from your mistakes, is a dangerous game of chicken that I want to stop playing. I don’t know where this need to always feel like I’m fighting for my life came from, but I want to stop the cycle. Learning to just let things be, and to deal with life as it happens, is difficult when you’ve always gone to war with yourself. But I find that I’m starting to slowly make my peace with it. Each day is starting to seem a little more hopeful; and the dive that I’m taking inward seems a little more promising. Even all the things I want seem a little more achievable than when I was relentlessly pursuing them. I’m learning to grow, and that if I want the chance to turn things around with myself and others, then I need to stop doing things how I’ve always done them.

There is wisdom in loving yourself, and allowing external love to come to you when it is ready. Love always,

Trevor.

#Mental health #self love #self worth #learning #life lessons #relationships #breakups #heart break #healing #time and distance

6 notes · View notes

ask-whitepearl-and-steven · 4 years

Note

Hey Chekhov, I'm gonna say in advance that if this ask is too invasive and/or personal, please ignore it. I recently came out to my best friend(and myself) that I am nonbinary, and the thing that made me realize was that I had experienced pretty bad gender dysphoria when I was younger(w/o having a term to describe it). I am curious in your own experiences with dysphoria, whether you had any, how it was for you, etc.

Aight, I’m gonna put this under a cut because I’m sure no one else need to be reading through my life story (which is painfully boring):

Basically to get a few things out of the way immediately because I know there will be some people reading this looking to poke fun at me for it, so this first part is for you - to give you something to do with your time because I pity you:

I identify as agender, I consider myself to fall under the umbrella term ‘nonbinary’, and I have felt this way throughout basically... my whole life. (Granted, I also did not have words for this until I was in my late teens.)

I’ve used the word agender for myselg for about 10 years now, my views regarding my gender have not shifted - and I hate the presumption that there are ‘trans-trenders’ out there. I don’t personally believe that is a thing. I think exploring your gender feelings and your gender presentation and etc is super cool and an interesting thing to do.

I believe negotiating yourself socially with regards to your gender is actually quite healthy, so if you think it’s “just a call for attention” then we already disagree.

People want to be perceived in specific ways. That’s not a novel concept. Most people have an image of themselves they like to broadcast to the world. (Strong, smart, witty, friendly, a salesman, an artist, a feminine icon, etc.) This has been true for CENTURIES. It just so happens that now we can finally be more flexible in how we perceive gender without life threatening repercussions, so many more people are open to the idea of doing it.

I do not believe that one must have dysphoria to be trans/non-binary, although obviously many transgender people do. I believe the defining experience of identifying as trans is a GOAL of how you want to be perceived or how you want yourself to be defined in society, because - again - I believe gender is socially and culturally negotiated.

If you disagree with any of this - cool. You can send a message to my main tumblr @thechekhov and yell at me about it if that’s how you enjoy spending your time, but I cannot promise I’ll answer you because frankly I have hobbies and shit I enjoy doing, so I’ll probably be doing that instead.

And as an off-topic mention: I don’t personally identify as ‘trans’ (although many nonbinary people obviously do, and have every right to) and there’s a lot that goes into that but the bottom line is that I just don’t want to take up space in that community because I personally don’t want to ‘transition’ and that’s not a part of my identity in that big of a way.

But regardless of that:

To get to the meat of it (and get ready to be thoroughly disappointed if you’re carnivorous because I am the worst person to ask about this.)

I drew the lucky lottery ticket of genetics and scored well in two fields:

1) I’m white (bears mentioning, because people of color honestly get so much more shit for being nonbinary)

2) I’m naturally relatively slim and puberty kinda grazed me instead of hitting me head on. I never developed overt (publically visible) secondary sexual characteristics for my ‘assigned’ gender.

So by and by, I’m actually already WAY not the person to talk to about this because I got off easy and I’ve never actually had any big amounts of dysphoria. Other people had dysphoria FOR me (my grandmother lamented my androgyny on my behalf) - but I was always quite comfortable with my body.

It also has to be mentioned that I never actually actively cared about my body. I was briefly invested in fashion in high school, and through college experimented with fashion and various haircuts, but three out of the five days a week I literally do not look in the mirror before I go to work. And this has nothing to do with hating how I look - I just forget to. So... I suppose that says something about me. Not sure what. (My coworkers have never complained terribly about what I wear, so presumably I do a swell enough job of passing as a human being with functioning eyes).

That being said - when I dress to my assigned gender, I often get comments that kind of skim the borderline of “oh, finally, you’re normal for a change”. They’re always well-meant, but quite surprised, because I feel like people have come to expect me to dress a little weirdly.

And that isn’t to say I haven’t experienced disgruntlement with how I’m perceived. People often purposefully gender me at work - and that’s not a totally bad thing, and I don’t blame them for it. The country I live in has close to ZERO knowledge of non-binary identities, even WITHIN the local LGBTQA+ community, so I can’t expect others to know anything more. But I think my ability to not care about this spills over from my ability to not care about my appearance. It’s just a handy little personality trait - I am blissfully indifferent to what others think of me 90% of the time (as for the other 10%... well... we all have bad days. I’m not totally emotionless.)

Perhaps this will get me into hot water but - I’ve never once corrected a person about my own gender. I’ve been fully comfortable in it, and I am aware of it in my own head but as someone who has been in the closet about my bisexuality for over 10 years, I am not invested in risking social retaliation for the sake of something I know 90% of the people around me will not understand - or perhaps purposefully misunderstand.

If asked about it I’m rather forthright, and I make jokes about it with friends, but other than that I just kind of.... live my life. Whether or not I’m ‘clearly nonbinary’ to my peers is up for debate - I like to think I am, but like the metaphorical mirror that I avoid looking into, I never actually questioned any of my irl friends about how well I ‘pass’ or... don’t, I guess? But it’s not actually that important to me. I dress how I enjoy dressing, which is, I think, the most important thing (and it confuses the students a bit, they can’t gender me as successfully as adults can).

And that’s all I need, really.

Cheers.

#chekhov answers #nonbinary nb #enby #agender #Anonymous

538 notes · View notes

deltastorm101 · 3 years

Text

Shadow of the Tomb Raider: Revisited

It was a dark and stormy night, nothing stirred, not even a creature; except me, stirring my iced tea that night in September 2018 when I first played and finished Shadow of the Tomb Raider. Back then, it left me feeling deeply disappointed and unhappy; probably because I expected too much and let my imagination of what this game could have been get the better of me. So I thought. Alas, I decided to give it another chance. Maybe 2.5 years have the power to make me see reason? Roll intro... Time for game 👏 review 👏!

Sorry to break the bubble, I’m just gonna say it: my opinion hasn’t changed much. I’m still not vibing with Shadow of the Tomb Raider. Allow me to elaborate.

In preparation for Shadow, I also replayed Rise of the Tomb Raider beforehand - the game I’d consider to be in my top 3 favourite games of all time, and certainly the most polished game among the Tomb Raider reboot trilogy. It just showed me exactly what to compare and how. Last time, I stated that I couldn’t bring myself to 100% the game because I felt that it wasn’t worth it; this time around, I actually did take the time to do so, and guess what... it didn’t feel worth it, just because it is so much. Too much. Still. Every time I entered a new area, the game seemed to scream at me just how huge it is and how it wants to suffocate me and force me to grind 20+ hours just for a few more percent game completion. Gaming should not feel like a damn chore. Now, arguably, this may be exactly what people are looking for in a triple A open world game - looking at you, Horizon Zero Dawn, which didn’t fully sit right with me for exactly the same reasons - but it’s something that makes me deeply uncomfortable and pisses puts me off. If I wanted to play a hostile game, I’d play Dark Souls. The only reason that made me continue to pursue 100% was because I was prepared for these feelings. I forget story details incredibly fast, but feelings I had while playing something are crystal clear in my mind at any given moment.

So, I continued... I continued playing a game that tries so hard to be this perfect game, all with buggy graphics, unresponsive, wonky controls, monotonous pacing and faulty tension-building, and a story that’s convoluted, disjointed, and simply too long. Again, it made an effort to explain the major story bits by unlocking convenient hints and pictures it showed you at the right time, but, once again, I did not know what exactly I was fighting for during the boss fight. And I swear, I paid a whole lot of attention.

Last time, I said I reached the point of no return without having valuable items like the lock pick, rope ascender and the reinforced knife. I knew I had this problem last time and thus this time, I followed my usual path of finishing every side mission in an area before proceeding to the next, which did help; however, I feel like this could kind of pressure the player. Only reason it doesn’t is because the player usually doesn’t even know there’s this super important thing behind a boring errand. Yes, boring, I said it.

Something that was definitely my fault last time was the fact that I perceived enemy stamina as way too high - when in reality, I just couldn’t be bothered to actually upgrade the damage of my weapons. Naturally, I fixed this mistake of mine during this playthrough and had lesser problems. That was entirely my fault and I’m sorry that I bashed the game for this in 2018.

However, the voice acting is still amazing, and again, I loved what the controller triggers did to my index fingers. And the run-away-to-flee-from-a-landslide scenes were pretty cool, gotta admit.

So, what’s the verdict, chief? Eye Candy. Shadow of the Tomb Raider is pretty, no doubt about it. But a game this rich in lore and environmental beauty needs to do a lot of things wrong to still feel as empty as it did. Looks are not everything. I hope the next Tomb Raider game will have finally learned that.

I still don’t hate the game. I just can’t hate it. But I heavily dislike what it stands for... if that makes sense. Ok, I’m done. I said what I said. You’re cordially invited to look at me weird and leave hate mail in the tags.

#shadow of the tomb raider #tomb raider #lara croft #games #stefs game review

6 notes · View notes

intelligentdumbass · 4 years

Text

My Sweet Prince

It was a morning like any other, or at least, it was supposed to be.

Hyacinthus had set off with his dogs to go hunt in the nearby forest, but the trees were silent; not a single prey in sight. Wondering where they had all gone, he trekked deep into the woods until at last, the silence broke. However, it wasn’t because of the roar of a bear, the trot of a deer or the howl of a wolf. Rather it was a song, but the voice was not of a bird’s. He had walked into a small clearing, and wow was it a sight to behold.

In the middle, there was what he perceived to be a young maiden strumming on their cithara; their golden hair shimmering under the sunlight. A wide range of animals sat around them, eagerly listening to every note, and so did he and his hounds. Hyacinthus couldn’t help but stare, he was entranced.

Eventually, the musician had noticed his arrival, and the music stopped, but before they could speak, Hyacinthus snapped out of it and spoke first.

“I’m sorry miss, but who the hell are you?” He slowly approached, cautious of all the critters around them. “What in Zeus’ name is a lass like you doing here, playing in the outskirts of my kingdom?”

The stranger raised an eyebrow, but decided to play along. “Nothing, just bored and passing the time with my lyre.”

“Ah. I assume your father’s somewhere close by, then.” He looks around, but they only laughed in response.

“Oh no, I came here to have some me time with myself.”

“Wait, myself?!” Hyacinthus seems dismayed. “No one accompanied you here?! Not even a brother, cousin, or a friend?”

They shook their head; he frowned.

“Look, it’s not safe to be all alone out here. As a prince, it is my duty to protect you-”

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that he had accidentally stepped on the tail of a sleeping lion, causing it to wake up and it looked very pissed. Luckily, a silver arrow had rushed by; just barely missing the prince and piercing the cat’s heart. The rest of the animals took this as a sign to scram.

Hyacinthus blinked, and looked back at the musician, who was still sitting down on the ground, unfazed. He muttered a silent prayer of thanks to the archer god before speaking up again.

“See! I think it is best we get out of here.” He reaches out, offering his hand for them to stand up. The stranger only sighed when they realized that the mortal didn’t put two and two together.

Before he knew it, Hyacinthus felt someone’s fist punch him square in the face, causing him to stagger back. It was then that the stranger spoke again, except they sounded very different this time.

“What is it with people thinking I’m some sort of forest nymph or mortal maiden?”

Hyacinthus froze; their voice was much lower than he remembered. Gazing into their sapphire eyes, he suddenly understood. The being that stood in front of him was no mere mortal. He hastily tried to get his shit together, smiling in embarrassment.

“A-” “Apologies my lord. I suppose you’re just… that enchanting.”

“Oh?” The god raised an eyebrow, his mood slowly shifting when his instincts told him that he was telling the truth; it wasn’t merely empty flattery. “Why, thank you.” He scanned the boy from head to toe. “I suppose you’re not that bad yourself.”

“Oh, um, well of course! I’m Sparta’s heir after all!” He proudly exclaimed. “Still though, I am, uh, terribly sorry for interrupting your song.”

“No need to apologize for that.” Apollo sat down, and placed the cithara back on his lap. “In fact, you’re welcome to stay if you want. I won’t mind.”

“I thought you said you wanted some time alone?”

“Away from the other gods, I mean.”

Hyacinthus was reluctant, but as the immortal started to strum on his lyre, the offer was tempting; even his dogs seemed like they wanted to listen. He did have nothing else to do.

“…alright, only for a bit, if that’s really okay with you my lord-”

“Please, just call me Apollo.”

Unbeknownst to Hyacinthus a ‘bit’ was quite an understatement, for while listening to the god’s music it was as if time itself ceased to exist.

Now the sun was setting, and the prince had already left to go back to the palace; Apollo choosing to remain in the clearing. It was then that the west wind had materialized before him.

“I was just passing by, so here’s a quick tip.” Zephyr murmured. “If I were you, I’d try not to spend too much time with him. He’s already caught the eye of two other gods and one mortal.”

“And you’re telling me this because?” Apollo couldn’t help but have a sympathetic smile.

“…what’s with that look?”

“Well, my friend, it’s a little too late for that advice. He had already invited me to go out hunting with him.”

Zephyr frowned as he fizzled out into thin air.

--------------

On the day of their hunt, as expected, it had gone exceptionally well. However, Apollo wasn’t the only one that had his gaze fixed on his new friend. Even as they ran through the trees, he could sense the eyes of someone else, but who could blame them? The mortal was a fit and handsome young man that much was obvious. Plus, in the short interactions that they’ve had in the week before this, the prince was quite the charmer; his banter witty and entertaining. Still, he was curious. So, when they had stopped to take a break, he asked him this,

“Has anyone ever made a move on you before?”

Hyacinthus froze. He was sitting on the ground next to him, and was about to try subtly holding his hand. “At least three other men have, but I’ve rejected them all.” He realized what that sentence might’ve implied. “That isn’t to say I’m only into women though!”

Apollo laughs. “I suppose you merely haven’t found the right one yet.”

“Who knows, perhaps I already have.” Hyacinthus beamed. “Do you know why?”

“Because I’m smart, talented, and very hot?”

“Maybe.” He inched closer. “But it’s also because of your smile, or rather, how you smile.”

The god was a little flustered, and couldn’t help but give that signature dazzling grin; thus further proving Hyacinthus’ point. Before he knew it, the prince had already leaned in, a hand holding his chin; faintly muttering something under his breath.

“May I?”

Apollo answered it with a kiss.

Thus was how they met; the beginning of the tale of the golden god and the Spartan prince.

And it didn’t take long for the news to spread.

--------------

Everyone was just going about on their daily routine when Hyacinthus had showed up to his training with hundreds of flowers intricately woven into his hair. The soldiers were too scared to comment, but Thamyris wasn’t.

“Okay, what in the actual fuck?”

“Short version is, I fell asleep during the break after the hunting trip, so now there are a bunch of flowers in my hair.”

“Out of all of your suitors, you chose a god; hell, not just that, one of the fucking Olympians.”

“Who wouldn’t?”

“Marpessa wouldn’t.”

Hyacinthus sighed. “Look, we all have our own preferences. I’m dating him and that’s final.” He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous?”

“As if.” He turned around, about to leave; probably going to hang out with Marsyas. “Just don’t come back crying to me when shit goes downhill.”

The prince just ignored him, or at least he tried to. His words were awfully persistent.

A few days later, among the immortals, Hermes was one of the first to discover.

“Oh and Hermes,” Zeus said, when he saw his son enter the room. “If you happen to run into Apollo, please, tell him we need to talk.”

“Is it urgent?”

“…just tell him to come to me whenever he’s free.”

So that’s what he did, flying as swift as a morning breeze until he stopped in front of the studio’s door. He carefully pushed it open, but despite being the lord of communication, he couldn’t utter a single word.

It was late in the evening, and his brother wasn’t alone.

Apollo was sitting down writing notes on a scroll, most likely for researching purposes, and behind him was a mortal curiously peering over his shoulder. Then the boy moved closer, and wrapped his arms around the blonde’s waist; tenderly whispering sweet nothings into his ear. To Hermes’ surprise, Apollo allowed him to pry him away from his work with zero complaints.

At this point, he just slowly closed the door. His message can wait. Meanwhile, the two lovers hadn’t noticed a thing.

However, now Thamyris wasn’t the only one with a complaint.

Hyacinthus was sitting under a cypress tree; trying to practice playing on the lyre his lover gifted him, when the breeze whispered into his ear.

“Look at it.” He said. “Your reflection in the water.”

The prince raised an eyebrow, but he glanced into the stream in front of him anyway. The top of his head was adorned with all sorts of flowers, no doubt due to the breath of the west wind.

“Hm… I think I liked it better when Apollo did it.”

Zephyr frowned; materializing seated down on his left.

“You’re not giving me a chance-”

“Except he already did.” Apollo sighed, suddenly appearing on Hyacinthus’ right. “For fates’ sake, take a hint and go blow someone else.”

The other god glared, but gave in, once more disappearing into the wind.

--------------

Days turned into weeks and months of bliss. Now that isn’t to say that they didn’t have their own little problems of their own, but what did it matter?

“Those laurel wreaths you wear; they mean a lot to you, don’t they?”

“Well, of course; there are many reasons as to why I care about them, one of them being that they remind me of something I shouldn’t ever forget because I don’t want to make a mistake like that ever again.”

There was a brief moment of hesitation before he continued.

“Hyacinthus?”

“Yeah?”

“Never doubt my feelings for you, okay?”

“I never did.”

“…even so, you really must know that, because of you, right now is the best I’ve ever felt in literal decades.”

“Oh don’t flatter me, sunshine.”

“You know I can’t lie. So really, trust me when I say that I’m here to stay.”

Hyacinthus’ eyes darted around the room while the god’s head rested on his lap; the prince’s fingers twirling around in his golden locks. The floor was littered with paintings and marble statues of varying shapes and sizes scattered all over.

“Something caught your eye?” Apollo said as he saw his boyfriend look at a painting of Crete. “You can take one of them home if you’d like.”

“Oh-” “Oh no it’s fine, really! I was just… enjoying the scenery.”

“Hm, you know I could just take you there myself, right? Oooooh, imagine! A tour around Greece with yours truly.”

Hyacinthus smiled. His gaze shifted from a painting of Delphi to some art work of Leto, then Artemis, then Zeus, Athena and the rest of the other heavenly gods. What he stared at the most though, were the ones next to those paintings of the Muses and the Thriae.

The names were many, Admetus, Cyrene, Branchus, Hecuba, Helenus… then there was Cassandra, Daphne, and an unfinished Coronis, and as he continued to look, the prince could’ve sworn he felt the god gently squeeze his hand.

“Everything alright, Apollo?”

The god smiled. “I’m just… tired.”

The prince leaned in to give him a small kiss. “Well, just remember that, whatever happens, I’m not going to run away.”

And he really didn’t, or at least, not willingly, but you already knew that, didn’t you?

--------------

Two years, or at least, about two years, their laughter almost lasted for about two years.

“Athena, Apollo still hasn’t showed up for the talk.”

“Father, just give him a little more time. He’ll come eventually. On the bright side, at least he seems to be faring much better now.”

“I know, I know… but he’s neglecting his duties.” He sighed. “When was the last time you saw him walk into Olympus?”

“Fear not my lord.” His messenger, the west wind, suddenly exclaimed. “He’s already here.”

And indeed he was, fingers dripping with crimson red; purple petals falling out of his hair.

Zephyr couldn’t help but have a sympathetic smile. “You’re welcome.”

Ai, ai, ai…

…

It was a morning like any other, or at least, it was supposed to be.

Hyacinthus loved to spar. The god was a fierce opponent and he could never truly win, but man did he love seeing him panting and drenched in sweat. Another favorite sport of his was the throwing of the discus; he especially loved to try to run and catch it once his lover had sent it hurling into the air.

Crack

Apollo could’ve sworn that sound had echoed across the fields. Before he knew it, cradled in his arms was the stem of a poor flower that had broke its neck; all due to the breath of the west wind. All of his knowledge in the arts of healing was useless; by the time he tried it was already too late. So he just, sat there until a concerned Artemis tried dragging him back over to Leto in Delos, but he unknowingly slipped away.

It was like time itself ceased to exist.

Ai, ai, ai…

…

It was an interesting sight to see. Apollo had a blank look in his eyes and Athena was standing in his way; Zephyr a little further down the hall behind her, curiously peaking over the corner.

“Athena, move.”

“Apollo,” The goddess was perfectly calm. “Father has already retired him as his personal messenger, and he is now going to serve under Eros to repent for the very stupid thing he did in ‘the name of love’.”

“It’s not enough-”

“I know, and it’s never going to be enough.” Then she muttered. “Look, what happened with Pallas was much more justifiable than what this idiot wind bag did and even then, even if it was our father, to this day a tiny part of me is still pissed even if I knew he did it because he was worried about me.”

For a moment, the god was quiet. “Zephyr isn’t nearly as important.”

“But still crucial enough; I think it’d be best if we didn’t lose the west wind. Listen to your head, you know this isn’t worth it; it’s never going to be worth it.”

After a few seconds of silence, in the blink of an eye, Apollo was gone.

--------------

Olympus’ garden was huge; its depths filled with paths most don’t even know of. It was here the two gods sat down on top of a small hill, right in front of a giant crevice that overlooked all of their creations.

“I really am unreasonable, aren’t I, Hermes? Crying over beings much lesser than myself…”

“You had your eyes and heart set upon a mortal, so I guess it does sound foolish to grieve over their mortality but… I think we’re all a little unreasonable sometimes.” His friend paused for a moment, to think. “Is there anything you want to say? To Hyacinthus, I mean, when I guide him down to Hades.”

“…”

“If we should ever meet again

No matter how long the wait

No matter how many lifetimes it takes

My arms will be glad to welcome you in an embrace

Until then, just know

That even when man has forgotten my face

And I roam the world as nothing but a shade

Your memory will continue, forever living on

In all the flowers that the earth will cover itself, bearing your name

Goodnight, my sweet prince”

#Apollo #Hyacinthus #hyacinth #hyapollo #greek gods #greek mythology #Thanks to some peeps in discord for the hcs #MyWritingShit

82 notes · View notes