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#i just dont want it to end without closure???

oakpear · 2 years

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I'm sorry I feel pathetic posting shit like this but honest to god question, how tf DO you move on from this. like. how do I move on from them? It's been months and I've been trying so hard but I just can't stop feeling stuck. I remember a great memory from the past? What? 3 years? I get sad abt no longer knowing this person, that sadness moves to depression and then I reconsider how things ended and how cruelly and callously I was treated and I get angry, bitter, disappointed. And then I feel better temporarily but eventually another memory rolls around and I restart the cycle.

This isn't a rhetorical question. How do I break that cycle? I want out! I'm tired of this! But the only out I SEE is destroying those memories, repainting over them as wasted time with a shitty person I never should've trusted when like! I don't want to do that!! I don't want to give up on those experiences which impacted me so deeply and helped shape who I am. I don't want to just pretend it was all a mistake but I also want to move forward from this DESPERATELY!

#like. i know a lot of this comes from the fact that i never got closure! ik a lot stems from this person oretending to end things so nice.#telling me that they want to be friends after everyrhing but just need space and then ghosting me and all of our mutual friends #and i tried to contact them for closure. once two months ago. which they promprly unfriended me from that platform without reading.#and once abt a month ago when we ran into eachother under awkward circumstances which i can only assume they did the same bc once again #no response. i dont want to harrass them! i truly dont know what to do tho bc i truly dont even know what happened!#i dont know how to forgive bc i dont even know what id be forgiving!!!!#it all just!!!! fucking sucks!!!!#i just want to move forward but this is holding me so far back and i just feel so STUCK #anyways again thats not a rhetorical question any advice would genuinely be appreciated if u read any of this :')

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etownie · 11 months

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just watched the tunnel to summer the exit of goodbyes (SPOILERS under da cut)

i think the romance buildup was okay. since they introduced the scifi elements of the tunnel i wish there was a better buildup or explanation about the tunnel. i just have a theory that you can only physically hold and take out things that 1) you've lost and 2) still exist in the world. like once kaoru got to the door it felt like they were in a supernatural space and time since his sister is dead she cant leave that space. idk i just wanted closure for why the sister couldnt come with him LOL also the age gap at the end made me uncomfy but whatever i think it's crazy anzu kept thinking about him and updating him it's cute (my heart jumped when the text about their hs graduation) but i could not suspend my disbelief towards the end bc it was getting rly cliche. oH my fav part was the sunflower scene where kaoru is silly and anzu's like this is completely out of your character like LMAO YEAH. also i liked when kaoru gets a panic attack and throws up after his dad tells him he's going to remarry and move to tokyo. tbh i didnt expect anzu's character to be as fleshed out as it was i did not at all predict her motivations for wanting to go through the tunnel. at first i thought her parents died tragically and she'd want to get them too but after the aquarium scene and kaoru told her about his dead sister and she didnt say anything in response i starting thinking mb anzu just wants to be the sacrifice for kaoru to get his sister like a life for a life sort of deal LOL. then the manga arc backstory thing happened and i was like ohhh. anyway i saw that theres a ln and manga that the movie was adapted from and i dont think i'll read it since i'm not too crazy about the characters or romance or anything. im satisfied w my theories to serve as personal closure LOL

WAIT. that's slay

#the tunnel to summer the exit of goodbyes #ohh and the part where they meet up for lunch and my girl is stressing out about her manga getting seen but also still wanting to go thru t #the tunnel and kaoru's just like you should eat we cant think properly when we're hungry and she listens and does eat #i was like okayyy he's giving maturity and papi rn LOL #i dont hate kaoru's character i 'm just a little disappointed in his switch up towards the end like does he realize he cant take karen wit #him so that's why he leaves without telling her anything or getting her to come with him #idk if reading the manga will give me this kind of closure

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sukunasweetheart · 7 months

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👀👉🏾👈🏾 Sukuna x Reader ex's to lovers?

wowowow i cant believe im doing like another celebrity au again but here goes nothing ahaha...

i love this trope, i ended up writing a WHOLE, lengthy ass, detailed plotline on it i hope u dont mind <3 (A WHOLE WHOPPING 6K WORDS YALL)

prepare for hella angst, OOC sukuna, insecure fem!reader, ghosting, messy break up, conflicting and complicated feelings + sexual tension and then intense smut @ the end (make up sex)

imagine sukuna being like, an amateur model-turned-actor, with you being his highschool sweetheart, who was there to support him since day one

a very happy, fulfilling relationship for the most part-- until he starts gaining huge amounts of popularity.

youve always known that he was meant and born to reach sky-high levels of success, and you were certain he was going to make it one day

but things get rockier by the second, and insecurity is such an ugly, ugly thing

seeing him model with other beautiful celebrities, acting in roles where he had a love interest to kiss and fondle, reading those gossip scandal articles involving him and another party every few months or so-

it all got too much for you.

all you needed was some reassurance... but young and vivacious sukuna, drunk on this fame and attention, failed to recognise that and left you feeling neglected.

not on purpose tho, he's never engaged in infidelity, he's never gazed upon someone else with lust or love on his mind - he was using everyone around him as a stepping stone towards his own career

sukuna's known you since forever, and he was confident that you knew his affection for you was unwavering... so he failed to understand where you were coming from whenever you brought these things up

arguments after arguments after arguments

the worst part of it was that he wanted to keep his relationship with you a secret. saying something about how having a significant other would slow his progress in his career down... the decision was urged on by the entertainment company that he was in a contract with

it hurt so damn much when he was being interviewed on tv about his romantic life, only for him to tell the world he was single.

it leads to more arguing.

of course, as a rising celebrity, he was quite awfully busy with many business trips and attending a lot of parties and galas

another terrible fight occurred right before he had to leave for a flight overseas but by then, youd pretty much already decided that you were going to leave him

you basically ghosted him, packing all your belongings overnight, blocking his number and all his social media accounts, making sure even all yours and his mutual friends didn't know of your whereabouts. you're going to start fresh. and give him no closure.

it was petty revenge, and maybe immature of you, but you were just as young as he was, and you wanted him to hurt as badly as you were hurting back then.

sukuna's still overseas, having just come back from another fancy gathering and is fresh out of the shower, in his hotel room... he decides he's gonna try and give you a call, but ofc you don't pick up

he sighs and convinces himself that he'll sort things out with you later when he gets back, not knowing that there won't be a 'later'.

meanwhile you're dragging a suitcase out of the apartment, taking a taxi somewhere else far away, crying as you pass by giant billboards that have pictures of sukuna plastered all over

he feels like such a faraway person now. no longer someone who you used to cuddle closely in bed, or hold hands with. you're not even sure of who you are without him anymore.

you could imagine his reaction when he came home, only to find your entire existence missing. seriously, it was like you were never there. you left nothing of yours behind, and the place was cleaned spick and span, not a hair of yours to be found.

when was the last time sukuna felt so panicked?? this dull ache in his chest, as he spams you calls and texts that never reach you

he contacts mutual friends in rotation but everyone is absolutely clueless... he considers filing a missing persons case but then a trusted friend of yours tells him to not look for you... and that you wanted them to relay a message to him, just a simple goodbye.

what the fuck are you talking about?

oh, here comes a severe headache.

his mind is whirring with overlapping memories, thoughts, regrets, thinking about any clues that might give away where you couldve gone, but theres simply nothing

the shock moves into sorrow, then denial, and then it turns to anger. does he mean nothing to you? so much so that youd abandon him without saying a word?

its like he was going through the five stages of grief, but for someone who he knew was still alive..

eventually, he finds a rebound out of spite. if youve left him, then it's means he's free and single, right? he gets himself piss-drunk, and beds another, only to wake up feeling absolutely disgusted. it feels like... it feels like he's cheated on you. even though you're already gone. he's just a mess of conflicting emotions, and it lasts for so long.

the reason why he doesnt hire someone or use some other underhanded method to actually look for you is because of a weird mixture of both his pride and feelings of insecurity, thinking that maybe, just maybe, you do deserve someone better, someone who understands you more... (and he's also fearful that someone like you, might've already found love somewhere else, and he's definitely not confident that he'll be able to act maturely if he sees its true)

eventually, acceptance does come... but does it really?

i like to think he went through many failed relationships, his partners always leaving him upon witnessing him getting intoxicated and calling for none other than your name in his state. someone who no one around him knows anymore.

years pass, and time really does allow you to forget. for both you and sukuna alike. in your mid thirties, both of you are single at this time.

you've been busy with your new job at some company (dont ask me, i was too lazy to decide what kind, so u guys can make this one up bye), and he made sure to keep himself busy as well. no time for fleeting romance.

of course, until fate does that weird thing where it pushes people together again... a new project lands in your lap, where it involves some kind of collaboration with THE celebrity, ryomen sukuna. of fucking course.

you really did desperately try to get it off and pass this off to some other colleague but they insisted your involvement was necessary. what are you supposed to do? you almost decide to quit... but this job means a lot to you... you can't just throw everything away because of an ex... right?

and, oh my god, when the first meeting does happen, involving the celebrity himself, you and a couple other coworkers to discuss the project, sukuna sees you and his brain short circuits for a moment.

he starts doubting his own vision, and then he reminisces, in the middle of whatever the fuck everyone else was talking about during the meeting.

"... Mr. Ryomen?" one of the other participants ask.

he clears his throat, regains his composure and regathers his focus. he's an actor for god's sake. and he starts speaking, with thoughts of you in the back of his mind. about how much youve changed, but also remained exactly the same...

during introductions, you shake his hand and act professionally. his eye twitches. will you continue to pretend not to know him even afterwards? should he talk to you separately after this? no... doing that would mean he's the desperate one...

when you saw sukuna hesitating, part of you felt relieved. so you're not the only one getting freaked out. you don't expect him to acknowledge you anymore, though.

after the meeting, he walks out feeling confident that he's going to ignore you back, if this was the kind of game you're going to play with him. you mean nothing to him, just as he means nothing to you.

but he remembers the shock that went down his spine at the feeling of the warmth in your hand. he watches you take an elevator by yourself, and tries to make a split second decision on whether he wants to let you go, or if he wants to chase you down.

he probably shouldn't bother.

but he impulsively speed walks down towards you, anyway.

youre startled when the elevator doors are blocked from closing just at the last second, with someone's arm coming through between. your heart skips a beat seeing that it's none other than sukuna.

what is this sensation? this mix of fear and... excitement. you should be unperturbed. you're over him. he's someone from the past. you're buzzing with these feelings, but there also comes a creeping resentment that finds its way to you again, as you try to remember why you left him in the first place.

he unclicks whatever level you were heading to, and clicks on the highest level instead. he's gonna take you to the rooftop of the building, where he can confront you peacefully.

"Mr. Ryomen? Is there something wrong?" you ask him. still feigning ignorance. like salt to a wound. you know its another petty move from your part, but you can't help yourself.

"Don't call me that. You know damn well why I'm here," Sukuna drawls, sounding more sad than angry. they've really become strangers.

you grow silent, being hit with a pang of guilt. deep down, you knew you shouldve handled it more maturely than that. he deserved closure, and you needed it too. but isn't it too late for all that now?

the conversation flows tense, but unravels slowly. there's still a lot of questions being withheld though. he wants to ask you how youve been. were you able to sleep peacefully after you left him? why did you have to leave in the worst way possible?

a familiar headache creeps up.

simultaneously, the anger finds its way in his heart all over again. he knows he didn't do much good towards the end of their relationship either but ghosting him was plain disrespectful and childish.

you surprise him when you give a sudden heartfelt apology.

you tell him that you know apologising now after all these years is frankly almost meaningless but still, he didnt deserve to be left behind in that kind of way. you admit that you should've communicated with him properly that you were breaking up with him.

he's left kinda speechless, bc he was so ready to be all snarky to you after everything.. he's still mad, but he can't really say shit anymore without sounding like too much of an asshole.

truth be told, if you did stay around to tell him that you were breaking up with him beforehand, he probably wouldn't have let you go... where would you guys be now, if you never separated?

"i've always wanted to apologise. it's been weighing on me ever since i left."

...and yet, you didn't ever think to call or text him even once afterwards? he never changed his number in hopes for that, and he hates himself for it.

"i understand that you hate me now, but let's try to get through the collaboration without trouble. and then we can part ways again."

that one pierces his heart, like a bullet. you haven't said anything technically wrong. he should hate you. or at least, he should feel indifferent by now. and yet... the way that you automatically assume so irks him badly.

"do you really believe that i hate you? aren't you the one that hates me?"

it's a stupid fucking question. what the fuck is he even saying? he wants to kick the elevator door.

"...i left because i thought you hated me, that you didn't need me anymore. and i tried to convince myself that i hated you too. but that couldn't be further from the truth. even now, i don't ha-"

before you can say any more, the elevator doors open, and a small group of employees are standing outside them, looking curiously in at you and sukuna. then, they realise who he is. they come flocking in, asking for autographs and pictures.

you quietly slip out of the crowd, and after giving one quick glance at sukuna, who visibly wants to pursue you again, you walk away to avoid gathering attention on yourself. wait-! dammit- he thinks.

he can't chase after you. he can't call out for you to stop. he can't push all of these people away. if he did, it will cause rumours and unfavourable articles to fly out. let's try to get through the collaboration without trouble. his own fame becomes another obstacle between you and him.

back then, you were his whole world, yet somewhere along the path, he started to fail in making you feel like it.

he watches you take the fire exit towards the emergency stairs, while he's surrounded by overbearing fans who beg for his attention. you're going to have to walk down in your heels, all because of him. as he catches the final glimpse of you, as he's reluctantly dealing with his fans, he begins to understand, a little bit. he didn't want to understand why you decided to leave him. but he does now. a little.

a couple of stairwells down, you eventually pause for a moment and sit down on the last step to take a breather. you wipe your sweaty palms against your skirt. the familiar tug at your heart, in which your insecurities come flowing back to you, seeing him surrounded. you need to build higher, stronger walls around you from now.

when sukuna is done on his end, and sends them off down the elevator, he goes off to check down the stairs you went, but you've already booked it. slipped right through his fingers. you were about to say something important. with unresolved feelings, sukuna also takes the stairs down, with a heavy heart. each step down brings him another old, nostalgic memory of you to him.

from then on, the more he interacts with you during work-related matters, the more apparent it becomes that he still harbors feelings for you. he tries to ignore it, push it back down, but it only returns twice as overwhelming.

your voice. the way you smile. the scent of your perfume. exactly the same as back then. yet, he also observes the changes that have occurred in you; how you act, speak and the kinds of words you use, as well as seeing you in such a professional setting rather than personal - everything is coming together to allure him more, and he's in a state where he's unable to resist this attraction, but also unable to act on it, because he's not sure how you'd react to it.

he knows it's not just him getting drunk on nostalgia.

the next time he catches you alone, he makes sure to tell you that he doesn't hate you like you believe he does. you'd never admit it, but that gave you butterflies in your stomach.

in fact, everything sukuna does, even just locking eyes with you for a few seconds, is enough to make your heart rate increase, intensifying when he looks at you almost like... almost like he wants you. you must be imagining things.

he finds himself doing uncharacteristic deeds, like sending coffee for all the staff members. his manager passes them out to everybody, including you. he doesn't know if you still like your coffee the same way as he remembers, but he makes sure that yours is a little different, a little more specific than everyone else's, in hopes that you'll notice these small gestures of his.

over the course of the project, he inches closer to you, ever so slowly. but you don't seem to budge. even worse, you seem to be avoiding him as much as you possibly can. you avert your gaze from his. stagger away when he gets close.

he brings it up on one occasion, when he's able to approach you at the back of the building, where there's no one around, and no watchful eyes of a nosy audience. it's definitely frustrating and unpleasant- when he wants to speak with you, he has to keep distance in case another scandal rises. he doesn't want to drag you into the spotlight, without knowing if you're okay with it first.

sukuna only really talks to you when there's nobody around. maybe he's being considerate of you, but it gives you the impression that he doesn't want to be seen hanging around with you. it makes you remember things you don't want to. it makes you remember that being with him now requires a courage that you're not sure that you have. at the very least, you know you definitely didn't have it back then.

you keep conversations short with him, and try to leave. but he keeps at it persistently. what is he trying to do? is he toying with you?

"you're acting like you want us to get back together. don't do things that'll make me misunderstand," you tell him. you were trying to provoke him. expecting him to deny it harshly and back away, because you knew he was prideful- he'd never be caught being hung up over an ex.

"...and? what if i told you that i do want that? would you stop avoiding me then?" he takes one step forward, and you take one back, proving his point.

why is he pushing aside his ego for you? where did all his arrogance go off to? this isn't how the sukuna in his twenties would've responded. his answer makes you waver, and you don't appreciate that. you try not to show it.

"no. i'd only begin to avoid you even more. so don't start."

"i'm not," you deny, but your voice betrays you. he clings onto that.

"why? ...afraid that you'd cave in to me?"

like the way he's already pretty much caved in for you?

"you don't sound very convincing."

"...would you want someone who'd choose their career over you?"

that stops him in his tracks. he has nothing to say to that. because he did make that mistake. where he prioritised his job over your feelings.

"i don't hate or blame you for that anymore, sukuna. but you have to understand... i don't want to go through that pain ever again. i don't want to hold you back. we both deserve more compatible partners."

your own words sting yourself, and you try to go again right after saying that, because it's getting too much for you. his hand flies out to grab yours out of instinct, to stop you from leaving. leaving him again.

it's really not like him to be the clingy ex, pathetically begging to be taken back, but he's willing to throw such pride away if it means you'll be appeased. if you'll let him back into your life again.

"don't say that. you never held me back-- you were my home and my everything, and i was the one that started to take you for granted," he says gently, his low voice laced with sorrow, so uncharacteristically. you've only ever heard this kind of tone from him once before, and it was when his grandfather, who was like a parent to him, had passed away. his thumb brushes over your hand.

"give me another chance. this time i'll let the whole world know about us. about how much you mean to me."

he gets in close ever so slowly, and you let him, for only a moment, before gently pushing him away, with a hand on his chest.

sukuna hitches in a breath, heart sinking to his stomach. he wants to embrace you so, so, so bad. he needs your warmth. always has been. always will. but he sees that you're unrelenting, which breaks him.

"no, stop... i'm sorry, i can't."

you're still scared. you keep thinking about how lonely you felt when you were with him, at least right before the break up. seeing him laughing through the tv screen. alone in the living room. and all the arguments.

your hand slips out of his, and he lets you go. he feels empty when you walk away. hollow. the similar feeling he felt when you first left him, but less anguish and more despair. when he gets home, he tries to drink those feelings away. something he rarely does. old regrets and heartaches return, and he drinks until he passes out.

while he drinks, you weep. crying into your pillow, wondering if you're doing the right thing. wondering if this is how it's supposed to be. terrified of being with him again, but also terrified of losing him, like a hypocrite.

from then on, sukuna keeps a respectful distance from you... no longer trying to make approaches in secret, no longer pursuing you every chance he gets. but he still sends out coffee. even provides snacks to the crew. little do they know, they're the kinds of snacks that he knows you loved. hopefully, you still do. he'll keep his distance because it's what you want, but he wishes to keep doing these little things for you. subtly.

and you notice it, too. you have vivid memories of telling him about your favourites and preferences back then, and you recognise what he's trying to do. you drink the coffee. and you always grab a handful of the snacks. you do appreciate it. it makes you happy that he remembers. on a few occasions, you turn to look at him, only to witness him looking away at the last second.

it's not too long before the project is successfully finalised, and all their efforts have been rewarded. a celebration is due, and your boss throws a party at a fancy hotel for everyone to enjoy themselves at. sukuna had stopped going to so many gatherings and parties quite a while ago, but he attends knowing that you'll be there as well. he'll see you for the final time before he'll lose any excuses to be around you ever again. it'll be the final night.

you exchange a few words with him at the venue, but the two of you leave each other to mingle with other groups reluctantly, to avoid suspicion. both of you are quite tense all throughout the night, sipping on some wine to ease it, but it still doesn't relax the tension you feel, no matter how far away sukuna stands from you.

a few hours in, and you decide to excuse yourself early to head up into your designated hotel room. your boss covered the expenses for a night, and it would've been a waste to decline it, so you decided to stay. sukuna isn't around anywhere at the venue anymore, so you assume he's already left. you thought about saying farewell, but it didn't seem appropriate after you flat out rejected him. you still have doubts about the decision. because you miss him. but what's done is done, and you can't take back what you've already said.

however, getting to the hotel elevator, you notice he's standing there, with miraculous timing. you awkwardly "hey" him, and he says it back, hands in his pockets.

the two of you step inside when it arrives, and the thick tension remains.

"i'm surprised. i thought you'd be staying around longer for the party," you tell him.

he can't tell you that he found it unbearable, to see you hanging around other people, but being unable to get closer to you himself.

"i just got a bit tired," he lies. "did you have a lot to drink?"

"not at all. i had a few glasses, but i'm still sober."

"same here."

as the lift gets closer to your level, you get antsy, thinking about what to say before you leave, but your thoughts get interrupted when he asks you something abruptly.

"...can i walk you to your room? for the last time."

you swallow thickly on nothing, and feel how your chest aches at the words. last time.

"alright. sure," you say.

he wasn't expecting you to say yes, but he's glad you're letting him stay beside you a little longer. you're staring at the elevator doors, but he's looking at your face from the side. if only the lift would malfunction and stop, right here.

but it doesn't, and soon, he's really walking beside you as you get to your hotel room door, in silence. you unlock it using your key, and then that's it.

"thanks for walking me here," you say rather sheepishly. the thought of him wanting to spend even a few more seconds with you... your hold on the door knob is tight as you stand, face turned around to look at him. it's taking everything in you to stand your ground. last minute guilt and regrets are bombarding your thoughts, and...

"i'll say this now because i probably won't get another chance again," sukuna starts, looking directly into your eyes. his eyes are mellow, and he looks wistful.

"i'm sorry. i realised i never apologised, even though that's the first thing you did for me," he starts. he knows there's a mountain of reasons he is apologising for, but he decides he'll keep this short for your sake.

".. i can't lie to you and say that i wish for your happiness with someone else. 'm not that nice." you know it the best. and you understand, because you don't think you'd be able to withstand seeing him happy with someone else, either.

"find your happiness elsewhere, thanks," he grunts humorously. for god's sake. he's never been good at things like this. being heartfelt. at least it made you chuckle a bit. his expression of indignation melts away into a melancholic one again.

"i still love you." (always have, always will.)

you fight back sudden tears, and your throat begins to ache. sukuna unclenches his fist, and tries to relax himself more.

"and...i'll miss you," he breathes the phrase out. says it so quietly, like it hurts for him to say. (i don't want to let you go.)

something snaps within you and everything starts to scream at you to take everything back, and stop him from going away. don't go- don't go- don't go-

"...goodnight."

he notices your wet eyes, and he has to fight back against the urge to reach out and wipe it away. to rescind his farewell, and pull you into his arms again - forcefully, if he has to. he needs to leave, before he loses control.

you're panicking, and your vision is swimming, and you don't think you'll ever be happy again if you let him go like this-- you're gonna be heartbroken in the worst way imaginable. you want him back, and you know you're being unreasonable after turning him down like that, but you don't care anymore. you want to go against your fears. you want to try being with him again.

before you can stop yourself, your hand catches onto the hem of sukuna's sleeve, seconds before he takes another step away from you.

his eyes widen, and he looks at your grip on his sleeve, like he's checking to see if it's real, and he's not making this shit up in his mind. his heart beats impossibly fast. his hopes skyrocket. the world decided to have mercy on him.

"...you're being unfair, grabbing onto me like this. after i went through hell just now, trying to say goodbye." he's being awfully patient right now.

you don't respond, only silently weeping.

he waits to see if you'll let go, whether this was just an act out of a temporary fickle in your heart, but your grip remains tight, and you're now just looking up at him with tears rolling down, eyes glossy and desperate, pulling at his heart strings. you only let go when he comes back to you, not hesitant to brush his thumbs across your face now, wiping the wetness away.

"what do you want me to do? tell me, and i'll do it. leave? stay?" sukuna coos at you, like he's always done before, waiting patiently until you've calmed down enough to respond properly.

"i shouldn't... i shouldn't let you in. not after how much i'd pushed you away," you whisper. today was supposed to mark the end of it all.

he doesn't even give a fuck about that anymore. what matters is now.

"...but do you want to let me in?"

"...yes," you hic.

he takes a couple of steps forward, making you step back with him, his hand on your waist to make sure you don't trip on the way. he goes past the doorway and into your hotel room slowly. one- two- three- steps. he closes the door behind him quietly.

"and..? what next?" he asks in a low voice, standing close to you, one hand still remaining on your waist, and the other on your upperarm.

"i... i don't know. i just need you," you mumble, looking up at him, eyes red from crying and half-closed. your hands inch up along his back, grabbing handfuls of his suit jacket. sukuna hitches in a breath and something dark flashes across his eyes. they reflect his desire, his almost carnal desperation for you-

"forgive me. i don't think i can hold myself back, anymore."

he captures your lips in his, and groans shamelessly into you. you grip onto him tighter, heart beating so rambunctiously that you fear he can hear it too. it feels too good. the moment he reached you, it felt like the final piece of a puzzle clicking in to complete a full picture.

you part your mouth, and he wastes no time in slipping his tongue inside, kissing you in the way he knows you love, in the way it makes your lips tingle, and, oh god, even after all these years, he still knows how to get you going like no other.

sukuna tastes the traces of wine on your tongue, and even better, he tastes you, the one he'd been missing and craving all this time, the warmth of your skin and touch, your scent, just everything about you, you, you.

he backs you towards the bed, without breaking this breathless, hungry kiss, where he softly lays you down, with him being above you, chest to chest, arms supporting his weight. he momentarily pulls away from you simply just to breathe, and the two of you gaze at each other for a hot second, full of love and lust, breaths overlapping one another. he attempts to ask you "do you still wanna continue?" just in case, but before he gets to say a word, you grab him by his tie and pull his lips to yours again, beginning to loosen it and take it off.

he understands that you want it, now. you successfully manage to untie it, somehow, with just willpower alone, and you start aiming for his buttons next, undoing them one by one. your actions send sparks down to all of his limbs, and he feels so fulfilled by your desire of him, being as intense as how he obsesses over you.

soon after you're done with it, he takes them off and chucks his own clothes away, rendering him half-naked. your hole clenches around nothing at the sight once he pulls away again, his firm muscles and the same old tattoos that you vividly remembered the patterns of. you greedily run your palms across his pecs, eyes turning to hearts. he smirks at you.

it's his turn now, and he doesn't hesitate to start undressing you as well. sukuna gets dizzy at the thought of being able to feast his eyes on your body. he dives in to keep kissing you, and then begins to unbutton you with such speed, it almost startles you.

it's off. your breasts are out in the open now, and sukuna has his fill with massaging them with his large hand, having missed them so much. his palm feels so hot, and your nipples pebble up at his touch, making you gasp into his mouth.

his kiss moves over to the side of your face, it glides down your neck, shoulders, and eventually reaches the swell of your chest. your fingers brush through the pink of his hair as he does so, and you purse your lips together, basking in the feeling of his warm kisses littering your skin. he leaves you hickeys-- the same shape and size and same locations as he used to even during your days in highschool, and you chuckle to yourself at the thought.

it's not long before he's loosening your skirt and slipping your undergarments down, getting rid of your slick-stained panties, much to his satisfaction. sukuna rubs a thumb over your aroused clit, and you whimper, having missed the touch of a man- his touch specifically.

"fuck... you're so wet.... all for me?" he asks, proceeding to slip two fingers into your weeping hole. you arch your back at the feeling, how his thick digits scissor inside of you and press up against a particularly lovely spot. he watches your every response as he does so, watching how you moan because of his touch, and how you're grabbing at his wrist because it's getting too intense. his cock prods uncomfortably against his pants. you're producing so much slick, and his fingers are getting absolutely drenched.

when he takes them out, you whine a little in disappointment.

"i know, i know. i'll give you something better," he whispers, kissing your cheek.

he unbuckles himself, and lowers his boxers to reveal his aching dick, tip wet with precum, veins bulging out the sides. looks the same as you remember. he pumps it a couple of times with his hand that's still covered with your slick, and he twitches. this isn't a dream, is it?

"oh god, please, i need it-" you plead, your hole feeling eager and empty.

"it's all yours," he mumbles. your begging makes him lightheaded as he lines himself up at your weeping cunt.

"i'm all yours."

when he sinks in deep to the hilt, you cry out at the fullness, as his tip pushes the spot inside you that had been feeling so lonely for years. your hands finds themselves against his back, feeling for his tight muscles.

"shit- 'm gonna lose my mind," sukuna groans as he gives a few shallow thrusts into you, cock so hard and throbbing wildly as your plush walls clamp on him and coats him with your arousal. he grabs one of your hands from his back and interlocks his fingers with yours against the mattress, before leaning down to bring his lips against the side of your neck.

"oh, thank god... thank god, you changed your mind. i love you. i would've been so fucking miserable without you, doll. for the rest of my life," he croons, breath fanning so close to your ear. you shudder at the tone of his voice, tearing up again, mixed with pleasure and relief, and you grab his hand tighter.

you turn your head a little more to the side, making it easier for sukuna to bite and suck on the sensitive skin of your neck, as his thrusts increase in speed, nudging your g-spot with every movement.

soon enough, he's bringing his attention back to your tongue, which he caresses with his own, nibbling on your lower lip, maintaining this same perfect pace in his thrusts that brings you closer to your orgasm.

"sukuna- i'm- i'm gonna-" you say breathlessly.

but he merely kisses you again, swallowing up any words you could say or moans you could let out, not minding the gasps and whimpers that you make.

sweat beads on his perfect body, and he makes out with you through your high, groaning back when he feels your walls flutter around him. he's close. even once you've finished cumming, he begins to pound into you quicker, wanting to get to his own orgasm. you claw at his back, crying out in pleasure, as sukuna's tongue lathers your jawline.

he wants to breed you so fucking bad. but no, that'll have to wait. he can't do something to jeopardize your trust in him. he'd rather die than endure another second of being distanced from you again.

right before he's pushed off the edge, sukuna pulls out and desperately jerks himself off above your stomach, panting as his cock throbs in his hand with every spurt that coats you, feeling so hot against your tummy.

you feel a twinge of disappointment, because you also wanted to feel that in your womb...

his dick twitches weakly after being spent, and he breathes heavily, liking the sight of you being covered in his seed for another time. (and many more from now.)

" 'kuna... it's a safe day for me today," you suggest to him without thinking. "i want it inside me..."

the phrase is enough to get heat pooling in his abdomen, and he feels himself get hard all over again.

"you sure, doll? if it's what you want, i'll..." he begins to say, almost flustered by your suggestion. you know you shouldn't say this next line, but it's so easy to get carried away with this man... get caught up in the heat of the moment.

"i want your babies so bad."

you've hit his switch. sukuna growls and puts you into a mating press instantaneously, making you squeak.

"no takebacks," he mutters dangerously, beginning the second round.

the night is long, but heavenly, as soon after he dumps everything he has into your womb, then proceeds to eat you out, making you cry for the third time before sunrise.

when you're awake, it's already heading past midday, and you're relieved to see that yesterday's happenings were not a dream, seeing as the large man is sleeping with an iron hold around your body, as if subconsciously afraid you'd leave him before he woke up again.

he awakens from his slumber to your light, feathery touches on his face, which puts him in a good mood from the moment he opens an eye. it was the scenario he's always dreamed of. waking up next to you, smiling.

there's much to talk about. about what's to come next, future plans, worries, and things they need to do to make amends for all the lost years between each other. but you decide to take things slow.

back to bullet points again bc im lazy to write it properly now

you spend the weekend w him at the hotel and stuff, just playing eating and sleeping, catching up yk

he tells you on his own accord that he wants to let everyone know that he's with you now, but he's worried that it'll bring backlash to you but you tell him you're going to be brave and take it, bc you WANT everyone to know

anyway prepare for turbulence

but everything'll be alright bc hes with you

im thinking about how mopey he'll be when you have to separate from him bc you each have your own homes rn, hes always asking you to come over or if he can come over to your place

and he'll be begging you to move in soon, like old times (he lives in a rich man house now tho)

and also thinking about how its a fresh start, but they also go through old memories and now reminiscing isnt painful anymore bc yall are back together

sukuna also says he's stopped doing romance genres in acting bc he had felt annoyed acting in lovey dovey scenes when his own love life used to be in shambles all the time

and bc hes at a point in his career where he has more choice in choosing between scripts that are offered to him, he's going to continue to decline the ones that have love interests, it doesnt affect him that much anyway

he's just being more considerate of your feelings now... and you promised him that you'll never just disappear like that again when you're upset haha...

sometimes when you still have a few disagreements with him, he keeps subtly checking up on you (hes traumatised, leave him be)

lots of facetiming when he has to go overseas for filming purposes <3

okay, thats all, bye <3

Masterlist

#sukuna x reader #sukuna smut #sukuna #sukuna x you #ryomen sukuna x reader #sukuna x y/n #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #ryomen sukuna #jujutsu kaisen x y/n #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen smut #poe answers

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slightlymediocree · 1 month

Text

☆Update 2:☆

I remembered to take pics today! Sort of. Only after i had put away my machines and stuff...

Here are (most) of my edwardian undergarments

(i am wearing modern clothes under bcs the internet is weird)

Chemise, bustle pad, underbust corset, petticoat

I still need to make a corset cover someday, ive just been using a second thin chemise over all this:

I used these vintage buttons on the cuffs. I wanted some more security but ran out of buttons so i used small snaps:

Also put one on the collar so i could try it on. I think the placket at the back of the blouse is a little ugly and larger than ive seen in extant garments but i forgot to adjust the pattern for my broad shoulders and need the extra width for comfort.

I tried on the blouse and skirt together:

I may need to loosen the waistband of the skirt, the corset is a bit bulkier than i thought itd be. Also the blouse is just stuffed into the skirt and currently only has one closure on at the collar so it looks a little bit disproportionate. The belt/sash will help smooth everything out so i dont look like im drowning in voile.

I might go without the bustle pad during the final shoot because i think it gives too much volume in the waist/hip area for edwardian tastes. Its from an 1890s pattern, so the silhouette is a bit out of date. I should probably try the skirt on without the pad before extending the waistband though.

Im pretty happy with how the sleeves turned out! I have some vintage nottingham lace i bought on etsy from penelope textiles that i was going to add to another project. I think ill sew some different laces together and add it to the cuffs to elongate them a bit. Since this dress is supposed to be from roughly 1905, i want the sleeves to look as they wouldve in that time. The photos ive seen mostly feature large ruffles at the ends of elbow-length sleeves but i dont think ill be likely to wear ruffles very often. Ive also seen tighter cuffs that extend from the elbow to mid-forearm or from the elbow to wrist. I think the elbow-length sleeves are a feature of afternoon dresses but i could be wrong. Maybe that was just day dresses? Not sure.

Im also not sure if i want to get gloves/a hat/parasol for this project. On one hand, it would look really cool for the video. On the other hand, it sounds quite expensive and i doubt ill wear it again. I dont want to buy things i wont use and create waste, theres enough of that in fashion. I have a pink 1900s parasol that i might cover with black fabric, but idk.

There isnt much left to do! Im gonna make a list here so i have it written somewhere:

-sew snaps onto blouse

-finish blouse hem

-attatch lace cuffs

-press pleats on sash/belt

-order synthetic whalebones

-add bones, hook/bars to belt

This is just the sewing tasks though, i need to edit the video clips and record audio. I have no idea how to do any of this. I just downloaded davinci video editor so hopefully i can figure it out. The only experience i have with video making/editing was in 3rd grade on ipads on the imovie app. Ive just been binge watching bernadette banner videos bcs i love her video style.

Any tips/feedback are much appreciated! ♡

Date: 4/22/24

#edwardian fashion #1900s #early 1900s #edwardian era #edwardian #victorian mourning #victorian dress #victorian era #victorian fashion #fashion history #historical costuming #historical dress #historical fashion

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sapphicsigh · 7 months

Text

I don't want a 3rd szn without Izzy. I just don't. Call me dramatic or whatever, but I'm so genuinely heartbroken by his death. I feel so betrayed. Izzy was the heart of the show, and now he's gone.

The aftermath of his death felt rushed, he wasn't buried at sea (like what the fuck, a lifelong pirate like Izzy would've wanted to be buried at sea) and the crew was just happy to get back on the revenge and set sail without their unicorn? Everyone just gets a happily ever without Izzy? Izzy died a painful death shot by a pompous asshole and for what? Some metaphor about the end of the golden age of piracy? Piss off. Closure for Ed? That could've been achieved a number of other ways. Izzy couldn't get any assurances that HE was loved? Even on his fucking deathbed? The man who protected the crew with life and limb? It doesn't feel right, and it never will. Izzy deserved so much better, and so did Con.

And worst of all, perhaps, is that Djenkins was planning on killing him all along. The whole time, while we were falling in love with the little angry man, rooting for him and rejoicing when he wore makeup in front of the crew and was vulnerable with them...he was a dead man walking.*

*I've seen ppl make rlly good points about how death was treated throughout the show and I wanted to add that context here. If I can find whose post I'm thinking of, I'll tag them

**Edit: Izzy's death was an incredible shock. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE SHOW survived their near death experiences!!! Stede got choked near to death, stabbed (twice!), and survived all of that unscathed. Ed got his head smashed in by a FUCKING CANNONBALL, pumbled by the crew and made it out with barely a scrape. Even Calico Jack could've (apparently) escaped death after being shot with a goddamn cannonball. The Swede was poisoned but was already immune to it. Wow! We (at least I felt this way), as an audience, believed that there wouldn't be any character deaths due to the overwhelming evidence we'd been given thus far. So after alllll the in show evidence that the laws of medicine or physics don't apply to ANY of the pirates, why suddenly apply it when it comes to Izzy? Hmmm??? It makes no fucking sense. It's cruel and unusual punishment. They really killed off the queer disabled elder??? Jesus christ. Did not a single person in the writer's room have a qualm about it? The optics alone are bad. But more importantly, killing off the queer disabled elder is inherently political, whether djenkins thought of it that way or not (& i dont think he did). The mere existence of queer people is inherently political in a society (the US), which wishes for our eradication. So killing off a beloved queer disabled elder, on a show which seemed to promise us queer joy and a happy ending, IS POLITICAL. it's a slap in the face and a punch through the fucking gut.

It feels doubly awful because we, as an audience, were given something we've never had before, an unapologetically queer show. One that didn't soften or censor itself for straight viewers. It was created with such love, at least it felt like, for us. So to be given that gift, and to feel recognized and seen and appreciated, only to have it snatched away...

I can only speak for myself, of course, but it's genuinely heartbreaking. I'm so utterly disappointed. I wish so badly that Con got more time with Izzy. I think Izzy means a lot to him, and he means a lot to us, too.

❤️‍🩹🦄❤️‍🩹I love you, Izzy, and I always will. Rest in peace, my little meow meow, you were and are so loved.❤️‍🩹🦄❤️‍🩹

#ofmd #our flag means death #today on tumblr #ofmd s2 #queer #lgbtq #lesbian #omfd s2 spoilers #izzy #izzy hands #israel hands #con o'neill #ofmd s2 spoilers

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pommunist · 11 days

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Hey! I'm sending this to you since you seems quite attached to pomme, you'll possibly understand a little what I'll say here ^^ (you are not obligated to respond or anything, you can delete if you want!)

I can't help but feel a litter bitter at the ccs and community being sad, saying goodbye to their eggs, and closing theirs character's arc. I'l very happy for them that they could have closure and a real end, but it's bittersweet when some of the eggs disappeared without having the opportunity to say goodbye... I would have love to have just a little reunion or some closure for the French ccs arc

Also seeing the ccs and viewers regret the eggs, while they had the possibility to see them once more, reunite, and even close with peace this chapter, I feel sad and left out that we didn't got that and that a lot of people acted as if nothing changed before... Now that all the eggs are gone, people talk about the "end of qsmp", but I guess it wasn't that important when it was only the French that were left out :(

I still send a lot of confort for everyone struggling right now, I had this feeling in march when we lost the French admins, and I hope everyone will be fine in the end, and continue to follow all the wonderful streamers we met <3

hey anon ! i would be lying if i said i don’t share some of your feelings that you expressed and tbh there was multiple times when i wanted to rant about this but then it hit me like what’s the point ?

misery won’t feel better if more people are miserable with us, we’re all losing something in this anyway, let’s at least be happy in the community we have because there’s not much else left 🥲

i understand people who kept hoping, who kept following the server because they still wanted to enjoy their favorite characters and their stories. i’m glad that those who got to have a somewhat proper ending were able to have it, even if i wish others could have had the same opportunity.

also i feel like a lot of people kept hope because there was still some things that could be saved and rebuilt on if qstudios decided to get their shit together and fix their wrongs, but it feels more final now. even I who stopped watching since lea first spoke up i still wished that things could get better, even if i would stop being a part of it

and hey let’s look at the bright side, a lot of people are sad now but we got a headstart on grieving 😎 catch up everyone ! /j

one thing I’m hoping for is that even if QSMP was to like fully fully end, people would keep holding Qstudios accountable for their treatment of the admins until they rights their wrongs !

also fuck yeah everyone let’s keep watching the wonderful ccs even if they dont play on the server, not only are they great streamers but also it’s an amazing opportunity to learn languages yippeee

#also it’s been so long why stop the bit of the french being ignored like that’s a tradition now #but yeah at the end of the day it’s all love #and no one is winning in this anyway so let’s not allow bitter feelings to sour our place in the community

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violentviolette · 1 year

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i think a big part of why people latch onto things like narc abuse and sociopath nonsense is that at the end of the day, they want something easy to blame

when ur abused, the hardest and most difficult thing to confront is why. why did they hurt u? why didnt they love u? why did they do those things and treat u that way? why couldnt they see how much pain u were in? why didnt they care? why why why why

during the abuse, we internalize that why. we think the reason is us. we're just wrong or broken or undeserving or bad. it's our fault they abused us. and so when u finally escape that, its a big and emopowering moment to finally be able to realize that no, we weren't at all the reason. we werent to blame. we didnt do anthing to deserve that.

but then that leaves us once agian with the why. and the uncomfortable truth is that there really isnt a satisfying answer to that question. the why is usually very mundane and doesnt offer a lot of closure. its often just, because they were selfish. because it was the easier thing to do. because they were hurting and took it out on u. because they just couldnt be bothered to care. because they couldnt see past their own defensiveness. because they chose to.

but those aren't satisfying. they dont give closure. people dont want to confront the mundane and human reality that people abuse others for no good reason sometimes. that they were just being human, because abuse is mundane and human. so people try to find some other big universe defining reason. they latch onto things that tell them "this abuse was an immutable force of the universe and no one can do anything about it. these people are inhuman monsters who need to be removed from society" because that kind of absolutism is a much more comforting and easy thought than the reality that sometimes people just choose to be terrible to one another. because that reality means confronting the randomness of tragedy and our powerlessness to stop ourselves from becoming victims. it also means u never have to confront the reality that while someone may have abused u, they can and do go on to love others in healthy and real ways, and they deserve to do that. and that still doesnt at all mean there was something wrong with u or that u deserved what happened.

but those are difficult and uncomfortable things to confront. so in a twist of deep deep irony, they do exactly what their abusers did. they choose the selfish, easy, defensive option. and they take their pain out on other people who dont deserve it and did nothing wrong. they fall into abusive patterns and habits without even realizing it and then become the thing they claim to be fighting so hard against. they refuse to understand and accept the reality of why people hurt others, and thus doom themselves to repeat those same patterns of misbehavior. because when u refuse to view other people as human, u end up becoming the monster ur looking for

#jack.speaks #npd #narc abuse #narcissistic abuse #actually narcissistic #actually npd #aspd

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what-thisiscrazzzy · 2 months

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Okay I just wrote and essay on soap operas and while doing this is read Glen Creeber’s ‘serial television’ where he discussed the hybridisation of the soap opera and its characteristic of the ‘flexi- narrative’ and I want to talk about how this applies to 911 on ABC especially with the season 6 ending and the season 8 renewal 3 episodes into its new season.

Disclaimer: I don’t want to write a whole essay on this and i dont fully have an idea where im going with this. this is just me rambling.

Firstly Creeber defines the soap opera as: A continuous, never-ending drama series usually set around the domestic and intimate lives of a small community that explicitly resists narrative closure.

The 'flexi-narrative' is the characteristic of soap operas where there are multiple narratives running separately and with different tones. not all of these narratives will reach a complete conclusion, some trailing off and some left open for further exploration. This creates a sense of realism as real life continues on and doesnt have a conclusion.

Additionally, Christine Geraghty explains that realism in soaps is also built by the way that the narrative continues without the viewer creating the sense that they live a day to day life beyon what the viewer can observe.

A quick explanation of hybridisation is that elements such as the flexinarrative and the focus on close interpersonal relationships rather than larger overarching plotlines and politics. Within the text that I'm referring to there is a discussion of how shows based on work places become less about the jobs and more about these relationships.

John Wilsher (who is quoted in this book) states that essentially all drama is becoming a soap opera with these more personal stories, this is stated like a negative by him but I personally find these narrative more interesting as they become more psychological and allow for a discussion of more personal topics and political implications.

But basically what is being said is the drama now is a sort of hybrid with soap operas and has adapted to include the flexi-narrative and a focus on more personal narrastives.

This is where my thoughts come to 911 and its move to ABC. The previous season of 911's ending was created with the knowledge that the show would most likely be cancelled (i don't know at what point the writers where aware of this but i think it can be assumed that the season didn't start with this confirmed and/or known) this meant that everything had to be wrapped up, every story line must come to a form of conclusion. I think it can be easily said that most viewers and fans found the conclusion as unsatisfying due to the choices made by writers. However, I think to an extent no conclusion would be satisfying as 911 is a show that benefits and thrives on the flexi-narrative. In a sense it is a hybrid of the soap opera similar to most modern procedurals and within this is the expectation that it will feature continuous plot lines and refer back to its past stories. This can be seen in the various 'Buck' iterations, the acknowledgement of Buck's character progression. A large part of 911 is the personal development of characters like Buck but also Bobby and his alcoholism, Hen's family and its occasional issues and celebrations, Chim and his journey with relationships and Maddie with overcoming abuse and developing a healthy family. Any final conclusion to 911 will feel unsatisfying as the show has built on the sense of realism, these characters have been shown to experience life beyond the plot and to write it to a close feels unnatural.

I also believe the way they chose to conclude specifically Bucks story did feel rush, if anything if they didn't have time to give him a fully developed love interest then they should have returned to a previous iteration of the couch metaphor and had him happy single or continue looking for love with a healthier mind set. To give him a concrete close without the time to set up a fulfilling future feels odd even if you have no investment in Buddie or if you did have investment in his relationship with Natalia. The narrative structure of 911 creates the pattern that there is no happy ending, they just continued development. The ending of season 6 didn't create a sense that Buck will develop more, his new relationship felt almost closed. I think a comparison to this is Eddie's ending which did feel like a closing but instead like a slightly new beginning (I don't personally like Marisol but this isnt about opinions of the love interest but instead how she is introduced) as it was an opening to Eddie developing past... well his past.

Anyway this is all to say that the renewal of 911 after 3 episodes of season 7 does sit well with this comparison to soap operas in terms of its benefits. 911 works better when the writers can write these flexi-narratives that are continuous and could last not just for a season but beyond that. I think that's sort of where 911 has suffered as it sometimes tries to close narratives that don't require closure or are ended too early. Such as the Buckley parents, that's a narrative that could have been taken through multiple seasons and even with forgiveness it could be something that could be further discussed. But season 8 being renewed allows the writers the safety to write continuous stories that don't need to be concluded by the end of the season. I think in general 911 thrives when it doesn't try to close things and instead continues on. A wedding isn't the ending of the dating era but a new beginning, a death isn't the end but a way to explore its ramifications, etc.

This was all just me rambling bc i had to read a bunch of stuff for uni and 911 was on my brain but ultimately what i want to get at is procedural shows such as 911 benefit more from being treated as soap operas or at least using the characteristics they have inherited to its advantage and if they are given the freedom to create long running and never ending personal narratives they can develop a more satisfying story.

This all made more sense in my head sorry

#911 abc #911 on abc #911 season 7 #evan buckley #evan buck buckely #eddie diaz #what can i actually tag that actually applies #i dont want to be someone who tags unrelated things #911onabc #911 show #film and television #tv shows #oliver stark #ryan guzman #911 fox #911 #911 s7 #911 meta #meta

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shimmerwindow · 4 months

Text

I Never Really

Part Twelve

Word Count: 6.1k

Warnings: Cigarette use

Playlist | Masterlist

Tag list: @jazzyfigz @dont-go-home-without-me @poochiesworld @stardustcatcher @83rkblogs @jaketsguitar @dannys-dream @gretavanfan @do-it-jakey-baby @gvfpal @ignite-my-fire @gardensgatekeeper

Finals week turned out much better than you’d expected. You had sufficiently prepared yourself, and your hard work paid off in the form of A’s and low stress across the board. The minute you turned in your final test of the semester, you felt a horrid weight lift from your shoulders. This moment, right here, was what made the rest of it all worth it. You had a bounce in your step as you walked back to your dorm, for once not annoyed by the bustle of campus.

The building was as crowded as ever, with all of the students moving their things out all at once. A girl nearly ran you over with two massive suitcases as you tried to exit the elevator onto your floor. It was nice to not have such an interaction immediately set you into a mood of annoyance for the rest of the day.

You couldn’t help but smile when you finally flopped onto your bed, letting out a sigh that carried with it the finality of your stress. You knew it’d start up all over again in a few weeks, but for now, you would live in the moment. And that moment would start with a nice, long nap. The first you'd consciously allowed yourself in ages. In was dreamless, just a moment of unconscious, blissful peace.

You awoke in a daze an hour or so later, though time was not something you would stress yourself about during these weeks of rest. A text was waiting for you, with a familiar name. Sam.

hey! saw we aced that project, we totally need to celebrate :) want to come over?

The sense of jubilation over the end of the semester wiped any doubts out of your mind regarding whether or not you actually wanted to see him, or the rest of the men in that house, for that matter.

would love to!

cool, the guys are out so it'll just be me and u if that's ok

So maybe this was some kind of divine intervention to finally get the two of you alone, in a room, to talk. The words of the twins echoed in your mind once again – you needed to do this. As much as you would gladly run from him forever, you needed to talk to him. It would do you no good to cut him off with no closure.

that's chill!

He went on to tell you he’d already moved all his things out, but would swing by to get you whenever you were ready. Better to get this out of the way now. As you readied yourself for his arrival, you rehearsed a script in your head, spoke out loud the words you would want to say to him. The anxiety of it all was making your stomach churn and your palms sweat.

You headed down to the ground level, and watched his car pull around through the windows in the lobby. You could see his thumbs tapping on the steering wheel with whatever beat was coming through the radio. The two of you were quiet on the drive over, the music filling the silence. Though it was not uncomfortable, you still tapped your fingers together anxiously in the passenger seat.

The ambiance of the house felt different when you pulled up, in large part to the new set of decorations. Carefully curated by Josh, you figured. A flawless Christmas tree sat in the corner of the living room, its branches laden with a nearly obscene amount of ornaments, ribbons, and strings covered in all types of materials. Four stockings hung above the fireplace, hand-knit with the initials of the four brothers of the house.

“Make yourself comfortable,” he said, hanging his coat on the rack by the door. “You want anything? Water? Tea?…Tequila?”

You were certain nothing would sit calmly in your stomach right now. “I’m alright, thank you.” You took a seat on the couch, wrapping your arms around yourself. The cold from the darkened world outside had begun to creep in, casting a chill over the house. It was an old place, and clearly didn’t have the best insulation.

“Well, congratulations to us, huh?” He gave you a wide smile.

You shot back the best fake grin you could muster. “Thank god it's over.”

“I hear that. I need a break. You cold?” He pointed a finger at you as you curled into a ball on the couch.

“No, I’m okay–”

“Actually, it’s fuckin’ freezing in here. Any objections to a fire?”

“That sounds nice, actually.” With any luck, you’d be gone before the last of the embers burned out.

He vanished for a moment, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You rehearsed the words you planned to say for the millionth time, and sent up a silent prayer that they would come out properly.

“Cheaper than turning up the heat,” Sam said when he came back in the room. He smiled at you as he set down the carrier full of logs, fresh from the storage rack they kept under the eve of the house. “Jake gets pissed when the electrical bill gets too high.”

“Well, it’s not like you live here,” you commented.

“I do now,” he sighed. “For now, at least.” He pulled up the sleeves of his sweater and started up a fire. There was something so intimate about it, sitting in silence as you watched him work. The flames roared to life, under his skillful touch.

“So what do you feel like doing? And answer quickly, or I’ll start giving you a tour of the record shelf.” He turned back at you to smile.

The humor was lost on you, and you felt a deep guilt as the smile washed from his face and he turned away when you didn’t laugh. This was it. It was time to say those dreaded words. “Actually, I think we should…talk.” Your mouth was dry, and your heart pounded in your chest. Blood was already rushing to your cheeks.

“About what?” He turned his head back to you, still absently poking at the fire. Clueless, it seemed.

“Well, like…”

“Hey, if this is about that one day, where you passed out in–” his voice faltered, and he cleared his throat. “When you fell asleep. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’d moved until–”

“It’s not about that.” You cut him off, not sure you could handle dwelling on that day right now. “I just wanted to know if…” you paused, thinking of how to word it correctly. You'd rehearsed this moment so many times, yet the words still stuck to your tongue like honey. “If I’m intruding on something.”

He stared at you blankly, his lips parted a bit. “What?” He laughed the word, only a small smile on his face.

Suddenly, you felt rather stupid. “I don’t know, I just saw you with that other girl–”

Everything around you screeched to a halt. You couldn’t even hear the crackling of the fire anymore. Other girl. It had come out so naturally, you hadn’t even considered the implication you were making with that single word. You suddenly realized just how many of those little implications you were making all at once. Foremost, that you and him were doing anything more than just being friends.

“Oh, her?” He stood, dusting off his hands, and sat down on the other end of the couch, his legs tucked beneath him and his fingers nervously fidgeting in his lap. “Just a friend.”

“That so?”

He couldn’t seem to meet your eyes anymore. “Yeah. Just something to pass the time, I guess.”

“Well, that's not a very respectful way to refer to a fling, Sam.”

“There I go again. Saying shit that makes me look like an asshole.”

“You seem to be pretty good at that.” It came out meaner than you’d meant, but it was cathartic nonetheless.

“Anyway. It's not that serious. You're not intruding on anything.”

It was both a wonderful and terrible feeling that washed over you in that moment. A thousand thoughts showed up at the front lines of your mind, warring against each other. So, it wasn’t serious. But serious enough that you didn’t even need to say a name for him to know what you meant. Something was telling you that you needed to get closer, now, while you had the chance. But you’d lost that right, given it up the moment you’d fallen into Jake’s arms.

“That’s good to know,” you said, quietly.

“Is that why you’ve been so distant lately?” He asked, his lips stumbling over the words like they were forced from his mouth.

You hadn’t done a very good job of hiding it, clearly. “Yeah, I guess so. And finals had been killing me. Just glad the semester is over.” The topic was starting to shift too close to home. “And you've been distant, too.”

“Well, I figured you just kind of…didn’t like me as much anymore. Not since Halloween.”

Your stomach dropped hard enough that you could feel a knot forming in your throat. He knows. It repeated in your mind like a broken record, loud and screeching. “Why would you think that?” Your voice was small and far away.

“I barely even saw you that night. You would just vanish any time I was around.” A profound sadness lingered behind his eyes. “And then you just disappeared. You didn’t even say bye before you left.”

You could almost physically feel your heart breaking inside your chest. This can't be real. All of it, all the pain you’d endured for the past months, was it really all over nothing? Had you really allowed yourself to be so easily swayed into hatred for him by something as simple as a few hookups? It didn’t feel real, nothing in the room felt tangible at this point. The heat from the fire did nothing to soothe the icy chill that crept into your veins and made you shiver.

You’d been backed into a corner, trapped into either lying, or telling a devastating truth. “Yeah, I didn’t feel great, so I went home.” The lie came out so effortlessly it made you feel sick. Even if he wouldn’t care, it would forever taint whatever you’d built with him if you were honest with him now. If it wasn't tainted already. He must be lying, you thought. There's no way he didn’t see the marks his brother had left all over you.

“You should have told me!” He gave you a tap on the arm. “I would have helped you. Or at least walked you home.”

There had been such unspoken animosity between you, that night after the party, when you’d seen him on the roof. Or, at least, that was how your mind had interpreted the interaction. You began to doubt every notion you had about him. Maybe you’d just taken it all the wrong way, maybe this had all just been a gigantic misunderstanding on your end.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, no longer able to meet his gaze.

“Oh, jeez, don’t be sorry.” Out of the corner of your eye, you watched him run his fingers through his hair. “I should have hung around you more. It’s on me.”

A part of you ached to just tell him the truth. The dejection that hung off of every word he spoke was killing you, slowly. With any luck, he would hate you, and you could go the rest of your life pretending he had never existed. But the mere thought of hurting him in such a way was so unfathomable to you, the truth may very well have not even existed to you. It would never leave your mouth, not even long after you left this cold, dreary town. A dirty little secret you would be forced to carry with you, forever.

“Oh!” He suddenly jumped, pointing a finger at you. “I almost forgot to ask! Speaking of parties, where are you gonna be for New Year’s?”

“Nowhere, really. I don’t really care about that stuff. I always just sleep through the countdown.” You sounded unbearably boring, and you knew it, but you also knew what was coming next. And you hoped to turn him off from it before he could–

“You’re coming to the party here.”

“Sam,” you smiled, shaking your head. “I–”

“Shush.” He held a finger out towards your lips. “You’re not spending New Year’s alone.”

It didn’t feel right. You came here with the intention to be having the exact opposite of this current conversation. Spend it with your waste of time, you want her more, you wanted to scream. This was not at all how you’d expected this to pan out, and it was giving you whiplash now having to change your tune.

The truth was dangerously close to your lips, stuck in your throat hard enough to make you want to gag. Instead, you choked out a “fine.”

“Bitchin'! Oh, we are gonna have iii such iii a good time!”

The knot of anxiety in your stomach started to unravel, seeing him so genuinely happy about your potential presence. You doubted yourself now, doubted your conviction to pull yourself away from this entire situation. Maybe there was a way out of it, a path you couldn't see just yet.

The night was easy, all of your original plans having been thrown out the window. By this time, you’d expected to be in bed, alone, crying yourself to sleep over a ruined friendship. The two of you caught up on your lost time, and he told you all about the strange and interesting experiences he’d had over the past several weeks. He seemed to be the kind of guy that attracted strangeness.

“It’s too quiet in here. Music?” He asked, bouncing up from the couch and making his way over to the bookshelf full of records against the wall.

“Sure.”

“How do you feel about…” his fingers danced along the frayed paper edges that jutted out from their wooden cubes. “Christmas music?” He raised an eyebrow at you, his fingers coming to a stop. “Are you a Christmas music lover or hater?”

“Uh–”

“Lover?” He cut you off with a laugh. “Perfect! I knew we were a good match.”

“Actually, I was gonna say–”

“How about this one?” He shouted above you, cutting you off once again. “What do you know about my man, uh…actually, I don’t know who this is. Hope it’s good.” He pulled a record from the shelf and set it on the small turntable that sat on what looked like an end table. “They just don't make album covers ugly like this anymore." He showed you the cover, clad in gaudy shades of red and green.

“Can I give my thoughts, or–”

“Only if they’re good ones!”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his antics as the room was filled with the warm, crackly sound of the record playing. He picked up the fire poker, twirling it between his fingers for a second before using it to adjust a few of the logs.

“Any plans for Christmas?” He asked, as he absently poked at the fire.

“I was gonna go home, but the weather's not looking like it’ll cooperate.” A brutal winter storm was due directly over the path to your hometown, and you weren’t interested in fighting with multiple canceled or delayed flights.

“So you’re just gonna be here alone?” He dusted off his hands and he sat back down on the couch, eyes fixed on his handiwork.

“It’s alright. I didn’t go anywhere last year, either. I’ll see them when summer comes.”

You both sat in silence for a bit, lost in whatever trance the human mind entered when staring at a burning fire. You felt peace, for once, for the first time in a while. The blush finally left your cheeks, and the sweet scent of the fire clung to your body like a warm hug. There was something about this place that struck you each time you found yourself in it. Like it was somewhere familiar, down to each exposed beam in the ceiling and every scuff in the hardwood. The way the floor creaked when you walked across it, the feel of the antique door knobs in your hands, it all made you feel like you were always supposed to find yourself in a place like this.

You looked over at Sam to find he was looking at you, too. As if he’d heard your internal monologue, he gave you a smile. “Glad you’re here.”

“Better than the dorms.”

Without warning, he hoisted himself closer to you. “You look like you've lost some of that sunshine lately, miss eclipse.” His eyes scanned over your face, remarkably close, so close that if either of you leaned forward just a few inches– “What’s got you so down?”

Your voice came out as barely above a whisper. “Did you have to get so close just to tell me I look sad?”

“Just wanted a better view.” He looked you over one last time, and collapsed back onto his side of the couch. “Seriously, though. What’s wrong?”

You’re the entire problem. It’s all you, however I look right now, it’s because of you. Nothing’s wrong. I’ve just been a bit exhausted from finals, that’s all.” Jake’s words rang through your head, how he’d pointed out your bad habit of saying that’s all when something was wrong.

Thankfully, Sam didn’t seem to have his older brother's sense of clairvoyance. “Well, it’s over. For now, at least. We can relax, finally.”

Relaxing was the last thing you would be doing in the coming week leading up to this party you’d so foolishly agreed to.

Despite the plethora of unsaid words between you, talking with him felt so easy, the way you both seemed to follow the progression of conversation so naturally. When your eyes began to feel heavy, and the fire began to die, a rising sense of unease in your heart became difficult to ignore.

“Want me to take you home?” Sam’s voice startled you out of a half-sleep you’d slipped into.

That was where the unease was coming from. You didn’t want to go home. You had no desire to return to the fluorescents, the uncomfortable bed, the bittersweet loneliness of your room in an empty building.

“Not really,” you mumbled, curling yourself up sideways on the couch. You’d inched a bit closer to him, and you could feel the tips of his fingers, draped across the back of the couch, lightly brush against your shoulder. “That place sucks.”

“You can sleep here, if you want, but…” He glanced at the front door. “The guys will probably be back tonight. Maybe, I don't know.”

An implication, heavy as the snow that had begun to fall outside, settled on both of you.

��I’ll sleep on the floor in your room,” you said, only half-joking. “Probably would still be more comfortable than those dorm beds.”

“You could always just sleep in my bed.”

“With you?”

Your eyes locked, and a sensation like sticking a fork in an outlet jolted through you. You could just barely hear the suggestion of a gasp from him, though it may have been from your own lips, you couldn’t tell.

“That’s not what I meant…but…”

Just say it. Say something. You’d never wished for him to make any kind of move before now, but it was unbearable how badly you wanted him to just do something. He was only one small movement away from you. You needed him to break this tension, say he wanted to kiss you, say he hated you, say he wanted to fuck you, anything.

“I mean–”

You cut him off. “Maybe I should just go home.” Ever the self-saboteur you were.

“Maybe you should.”

The record had reached its end, an eerily still silence befalling the room.

“That means I have to drive you.” He said it like he was hoping you would say something to the contrary.

“I can just walk.”

“It's freezing. And snowing. You're not gonna walk, you didn’t even bring a coat.”

“That’s true,” you mumbled. Now what? You were astounded at your own ability to put yourself in the most awkward positions. Go home, and wallow in what could have been? Or gamble your entire friendship on this one chance? As it would turn out, you wouldn’t need to make the choice at all.

“How long are we going to do this?” He huffed.

You blinked at him, clueless. “Do what?”

“Act like this.” he motioned between the two of you.

“Sam, I don’t know what you’re getting at.”

“This…tension.” He sighed, his breath sounding shaky. “Am I crazy?”

“Tension?”

“Maybe I am just crazy. It just feels like every time I’m around you, we both get kinda weird, and it's like, there's so many things I want to say, but I don't know what they are.”

There it was again, that tone of speaking where his words tumbled over one another trying to leave his mouth as quickly as possible. You could almost physically feel your brain straining, trying to think of a way out of this. But every time, you circled back to the same point – there was no way out.

This was it. This was the peak that all your pining had been building towards. The fear of rejection was loud, but his words seemed to be saying something you'd pushed away for far too long. The thought that maybe, just maybe, he wanted you too. Though it wasn’t really a maybe, was it? The way he’d been so angry with you for thinking you’d hooked up with Jake, the darkness in his eyes when he saw the bruises on your neck, the way he’d looked at you when your head was in his lap, the little touches, the glances, the nickname, it all meant something. Something that you’d refused to even acknowledge as a possibility until this very moment.

Maybe he wanted you, too.

“Can I just–”

You moved fluidly in time with him as he leaned across the couch and caught your face in his hands. Your body worked faster than your brain, placing your fingers over his forearms. You were so close you could nearly taste him. There was nothing you could do to stop the small, surprised gasp that left your lips.

“This is it, isn't it?” He asked. “This is why you've been this way lately.”

“Sam…” the single word came out of your mouth in a pathetic, pleading tone.

“You’re…jealous, aren't you?”

It wasn't the first word you'd use to describe how you felt, but it was certainly one of them. But you didn’t want him to know that. Jealousy, in your eyes, was an ugly emotion you were ashamed of. Yearning was what you’d spent the last several months doing, not being jealous. Yet you were lying to your own face – you knew that deep down. There was no telling what you wouldn’t give to be his little waste of time.

You paused for too long, your thoughts blaring too loudly for you to speak. He spoke for you. “Look at you.” He paused, a smile slowly lighting his eyes as they darted across your face. “Can’t speak?”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“We can just cut the shit and actually talk for once, how about that?” It was a brutal thing to say, but he was right.

“I thought you didn’t like me. Not like this.” You punctuated the last word by digging your fingers into his arms a bit harder.

“Who says I do?” He couldn’t keep a straight face when he spoke.

“Let go, then. Take me home.” You shocked yourself with just how calm and collected you sounded, even as your heart felt as if it may beat out of your chest at any second.

“We’re still not talking. We just keep going around and around…” he moved your face in a small circle with his hand. “In circles. Over and over.”

“Just say whatever you’re trying to say, Sammy. Please.” You couldn’t take much more of this, your willpower starting to crack at the seams.

“I don’t think I can put it to words.” He pulled you the smallest bit closer, and you went willingly. “Can I just kiss you?” The words left him first, though they may as well have come from you as well, given the way you leaned forward.

Your lips brushed against his. His fingers tightened their grip on the sides of your face. You wrapped your arms around his waist. A series of actions that seemed to happen in stop-motion, unbearably slow but all too fast at the same time.

There had to be some catch, you figured. Something would stop this, like a poorly-written movie. Someone was bound to come crashing through the door at any moment to spoil what was happening right in front of your eyes. But nothing of the sort occurred. Instead, you shut your eyes and let him come to you. And he did so.

Your lips felt perfect in his. A kiss unlike any you’d had before, he moved flawlessly in tune with you. He didn’t rush, only gently exploring the curves of your lips with his own. When he broke away from you to take a deep, shaking breath, you had to stop yourself from chasing him back down.

It was like the entire world had stopped, even the embers in the fire hushing their crackles to give the two of you a moment of silent reflection. It began to sink in. You’d kissed him. You kissed Sam. The taste of him flowed over you in waves, a taste you would never forget until the day you died.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“For what?”

“I didn’t wait for you to answer.”

It felt ridiculous that it would even occur to him to ask in the first place. As if the two of you hadn’t been dancing around this moment for months now, as if there was anything you’d wanted more.

You finally found the strength to open your eyes. The sight of him was breathtaking, in the most literal sense. Those half-lidded eyes and the way his hair framed his face, the way you were so close you could see the lightest hint of stubble on his chin, all of it was powerfully beautiful. You were suddenly struck by the sense that you would never be able to find the words to describe this moment.

You had no control over yourself as you gripped around his waist tighter, leaning back in, capturing his lips in yours. The softest groan rose from his throat, a sound so melodic to your ears you could hear it a thousand times and never get tired of it. “Yes,” you whispered between breaths.

“What?” His reply was cut off by another kiss.

“Yes, you can kiss me. And yes, I'm so jealous.”

Every other word between you was communicated in the way he pushed against you, laying you back onto the couch. His fingers wrapped in your hair, his other hand gripping the arm of the couch so hard you could hear his fingernails scratch against the fabric. He asked you how jealous? by pulling away from you a bit. You answered you have no idea in the way you chased him and pulled him back with a hand in his hair.

He wandered across your jawline, down to your neck, where he planted a few soft kisses before gently nipping at the skin. The whine that came from you caused both of you to pause. You were back in your body, but your head was so far up in the clouds you could barely remember where you were. You’d barely registered how his thigh had come to rest between your legs, and the way you were lifting your hips to grind against him. It was embarrassing, how desperate you were for contact with him.

A shiver coursed through your body when it finally clicked it was him. None of this felt real, at all. Sam was biting at your neck, your fingers were tangled in his hair, and it was real. It felt impossible to wrap your head around it all.

“How long?” You asked, before you could stop yourself.

“Hmm?”

“How long have you wanted this?”

“Since the day we met.” He sank his teeth into you, awarding him a gentle gasp.

So many firsts were transpiring all at the same time. You were quickly becoming overwhelmed, tears of excitement and joy and emotions you couldn't place prickling at the corners of your eyes. You pushed him back from you with a gentle touch, and he went so willingly it was as if he was weightless to you.

“Fuck, do you need me to stop? I’ll stop.” He was already climbing his way off of you, his eyes fixed on the tears welling up in your eyes.

“No!” The word came out broken, a sobbing gasp, pleading and desperate. “Tears of joy, I swear.”

“Needed it that bad, huh?” An obnoxious, cocky grin graced his features. A smile you’d seen before on a certain someone else. “We could have cut to the chase a lot sooner if you’d just said something.” He combed his fingers through your hair.

“You didn’t need me.” It hurt like hell to say it out loud. “You had your little waste of time, and I…” I had your brother. “I had myself.”

“I did need you, though.”

As if by some kind of grand comedic timing, the sound of tires crunching on asphalt broke through the silence, and headlights flashed through the gaps in the blinds.

“Shit.” He scrambled his way off of you, running his fingers through his hair in an attempt to fix his disheveled appearance.

“Who’s that?” You asked, righting yourself on the couch and trying to come back down to earth.

“Don’t know. Thought they’d be at that party all night.” He ran a hand over his face, letting out an exasperated sigh. “I didn’t tell anyone you were coming over.”

“Are they gonna be mad?”

“Only if one of ‘em has a girl with them.”

Your heart rate climbed ever higher when you heard keys rattling in the lock, and the creaking of the door opening. A familiar face stared back at you through the mesh of the screen door.

“Jake!” Sam called, waving at his brother as he came in through the door.

You watched Jake’s eyes flit between you and Sam, his jaw set in a way that looked particularly pissed off.

“Hey.”

“Where’s the others?”

“In someone’s bed somewhere.”

The tension between the three of you was thick enough to cut with a knife, and the occasional pops from the dying fire felt like gunshots in your ears. You shot Sam a worried look as Jake hung his coat on the rack next to the door, but he looked unbothered.

“You didn’t say anyone was coming over tonight,” Jake said, digging in his coat pockets.

“I was just about to take her home, actually.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired,” you chimed in, though your voice wavered.

“Alright. Have a good night.” He made his way up the stairs, and you could feel your body relax once he was out of sight.

“Surprised he didn’t have a girl in tow,” Sam whispered to you once you both heard Jake’s bedroom door shut.

You forced out a small laugh, your head still spinning from the pace of everything that had just transpired. “Guess I’ve gotta go home, then, huh?”

He shrugged. “They wouldn’t mind if you stayed.”

Stayed, and…did what, exactly? Jake was here now. If you went up to Sam’s room, sharing a wall with Jake’s, he would know. Did it matter, though? You had the one you really wanted, now – but did you, really? You’d only kissed, after all. There had been no confession, no declaration of anything other than attraction. And you knew you did not have it in you to say it.

“I don’t want to be a bother,” you muttered. “Just take me home.”

When you finally collected yourself and stepped out into the night, the frigid air felt refreshing on your flushed skin. He held the door to his car for you, a simple gesture, but one that meant the world to you. His hands gripped the wheel tightly as you stared out the windshield, trying to think of anything to say. Some kind of comment or joke to lighten the unbearable tension in the car.

“So…” he began, clearing his throat. “I’ll be gone for a bit. Next time I’ll see you is New Year’s.”

“Right.”

“We’re still doing the same shit.” He glanced at you, a small smirk on his face. “Not talking.”

You only hummed in agreement, not trusting any of the words that were lined up behind your lips. You could only replay the way Jake’s eyes had harbored a specific type of anger you couldn’t quite put your finger on. And the way he had barely acknowledged your existence.

He pulled the car up to the entrance to the residence hall and threw it in park, slinging an arm over the back of your seat. “I hope I didn’t ruin anything. Like, our friendship.”

You shook your head. “Quite the opposite, actually.”

“Sorry we were interrupted.”

You leaned yourself a bit closer to him, your elbow resting on the center console. “It’s alright. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah.” He caught the side of your face in his hand, his fingers trailing through your hair. “I’ll see you soon. And I’ll make up for tonight.”

He kissed you gently, just barely touching his lips to yours. It felt so sweet, and so right, to say goodbye to him this way. He leaned his forehead against yours, and you wished that this moment would never end.

You couldn't get yourself to pull away. You needed to say so many things, but the words simply would not come. It must have been written all over your face, from the way Sam smiled at you and nodded towards the door.

“Go get some sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

Reluctantly, you pulled yourself away from him. “See ya.”

You couldn’t help but watch his car pull away once you were inside the building. It hurt, and you didn’t want him to leave, but you needed this night alone. It all started to wash over you, glimpses of reality hitting you like stray bullets with every step you took back to your dorm. All of that had been real.

The smell of him hung off of your clothes, that sweet incense aroma and whatever cologne he wore. Like he was still following you, even as you collapsed into your bed, not bothering to turn any lights on. This moment was supposed to be a somber one – you'd expected the literal opposite of where you were now. He’d offered to let you sleep in his bed. There was no doubt in your mind that if you’d taken him up on that offer, the two of you would have absolutely–

You brought your hands up to slap the sides of your face, knocking that thought off its tracks. That was far too much to think about right now. All you could seem to focus on was the warmth of his body on yours, the sweet taste of his lips, the soft sounds he had made against your mouth.

So, it had been mutual all along. A part of you was almost angry at him, for keeping it from you. But you were not innocent, yourself, as you'd never made any moves either. It was still unclear if he wanted anything more from you than your body, but even that would be more than enough for you.

It felt like starlight was coursing through your veins, a bright energy racing through all your thoughts. Every color seemed more radiant, every light seemed brighter. When you couldn't get yourself to sleep, and went for a cigarette on the roof, the stars seemed to be shining extra bright. Little points of light you’d never noticed before stuck out to you, and for once, you wished Sam was there beside you to point them out. With any luck, you had just walked through the one door you'd been searching for. And there was no turning back.

#warning: christmas music #greta van fic #greta van fleet fanfiction #greta van fleet fic #gvf fanfiction #gvf fic #sam kiszka fanfiction #sam kiszka fic #sam kiszka x reader #sam kiszka x y/n #inr #i never really

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blood-market · 8 months

Text

That new trailer for y8 is killing me I swear to god.

SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES AND THE NEWEST TRAILER

If they kill off Kiryu without giving him closure, then I will NEVER live this down.

Majima looks so fucking depressed about it too. You can not tell me that he doesn't love him in some way (Care for him deeply mainly)

I dont care about the ship being canon. I just want them to have a heartfelt moment together and Majima embracing him once he finally processes whats happening. Maybe yelling at him for running away all those years ago. Leaving him there. Making him think he was dead only to come back to him actually dying.

I mean Majima had to grieve the first time when he thought he died. He probably melted down whenever he thought Kiryu was near death all those other times.

Now he has to finally face it again but for real. And not only that, but watch his Kiryu-chan wither away in front of him.

Fuck that actually hurts to think about.

Please RGG studios. Dont fuck this moment up. If you are going to kill Kiryu, give him the ending he deserves.

#yakuza #kiryu kazuma #majima goro #goro majima #kazumaji #yakuza 8 #yakuza 8 spoilers #like a dragon infinite wealth

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mako-neexu · 2 months

Note

If the theory about Chaldean actually being a version of Solomon from Chaldeas turns out to be true, as a Romani fan, would you be content with the possibility of him being summonable? Or do you think such possibility doesn’t exist at all/would you want Chaldean to be summonable at all? It feels like Nasu is preparing his identity reveal to happen in Antarctica, but nevertheless Chaldean claims he isn’t familiar with our Chaldea. Considering Dr.Roman has been a fan favourite for years and the fact that it’s heavily implied he’s Ritsuka’s hope (they think about him when they’re at their lowest), do you think there’s a way for Chaldean to somehow be relevant to Mash and Ritsuka? There’s also Mash’s “I wasn’t even able to say goodbye to him” regret, so I feel like Nasu is kind of preparing some type of closure in the finale? But since he claimed to be an enemy of Chaldea, I do wonder if it’s just gonna be a soul-crushing mentally exhausting battle against him as to parallel Solomon chapter (as if Romani’s fans weren’t tortured already smhhhh)

A lot of yapping I’m sorry… but just wanted to ask what are your overall thoughts on this whole Chaldean situation

okok so like ive said in the past (especially during december last year) everyone was saying they want a summonable romani because you know, feels and everyone loves roman. but i dont want a summonable romani. i think he shouldnt be summonable at all. whether the servant bears his name or his face, it doesnt matter to me. he shouldnt be summonable. he literally sacrificed himself at temple of time. he's suffered for a decade after wishing to be human and the grail granted him that. but at the last moment, his clairvoyance prevented him from having a normal human life and so his duty once more shackled him in this life as well. he was plagued with nightmares, always running away from his fears, it was a life where he couldnt live peacefully and he was a coward afraid of being close to others. and in the end, just when he was having fun, he had to give everything up. his life, his responsibilities, his existence, he made a self-sacrifice to save guda and mash and chaldea- paved the way for the future. it wouldnt make romani happy if he was ever summoned as a servant. because the burden of those memories as solomon, god's agent, the king of magic and grand caster- heroic spirit of the World, would be there and he would be bound to his duty for as long as he remembers. so the best ending for him is to be a free human without anything weighing him down. a life of normalcy just like he's always wanted.

as for chaldean, we barely know anything about him except for stuff like him having a sword, has medical knowledge, along with golden eyes and scars and a uniform almost the same as romani except the green part replaced with black. and yeah, i think we will see him in antarctica or maybe after the ruler ordeal call? depends on what happens..

considering chaldean is wearing "soemthing close to" romani's face, it is highly likely nasu will be writing those parts for romani and mash? but i do think chaldean came from the alien world. "that body" most likely comes from there as well. afaik theres not much info about it yet besides alien world, the apostles, marisbury's plan to bleach the earth all along that ensures the safety of the human order yet is cosmically regarded as a threat.

that said.. chaldean could also be goetia but if you see how he speaks in JP i remember everyone saying its completely different….that it isnt goetia at all but its also neither roman which led some people to theorize its galahad instead bc of the sword. again no one knows so far so we just have to wait and hope :P

and its okay! thank you for telling me your thoughts!

#ask #anon

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thricedead · 19 days

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I adore my cat Koko because even though he is not affectionate (he doesnt want to cuddle or be pet) and moreover we do not have a special connection (its my mom who feeds him and spends more time with him so hes not super attached to me) he is still the gentlest, most careful and kind kitty. I often have to move him bc theres not cat friendly places in our apartment so we move him out of the kitchen/bedrooms when theres no one there and when i take him into my hands he NEVER ONCE struggled out of my grip or god forbid scratched me, he has never scratched anyone on purpose in all these 3 years and when I hold him I can see he trusts me completely and relaxes in my hands and sometimes when I sit next to him he gives me a small lick and it feels so friendlyyyy he is also very quiet and the most he ever does if hes not allowed to do something he wants to do is the TINIEST offended meow, he has such a small funny voice despite being a big tomcat I just dont know how to describe Koko other than a benevolent 30ish yo man who minds his business but only ever treats people with kindness I swear Koko has never been mean to people in his life. I can just feel his kindness. His late brother was another beautiful soul but in a different way, he was more manly and unruly and open (though still very gentle in how he handled us) but with Koko its just like? You can sense that he has a kind and humble personality, that he likes and appreciates people without being very touchy and chatty & that hes very happy to live with us. He and bis bro were born and spent the first month of their life in some muddy yard and were always cold and malnourished and flea-ridden and when we took them into a warm home with plentiful food, carefully cleaned them and kept them safe and healthy you could just see that they appreciate us & are attached to us not only as a source of food but also as companions 😭 in 2022 we went away for 2 weeks and left them in a cat hotel and even though the lady there fed them with the same food as us and played with the same toys they were very morose and wouldnt eat much and the moment we brought them back and they realized theyre home THEY BECAME SO MEOWY AND AFFECTIONATE no one will ever tell me that cats r untamed animals who arent loyal and would even eat their owners if they starved bc i witnessed Koko cling to my mom and lick her hands after seeing her again after 2 weeks even though he was fed and safe he really loves my mom more than anything because he sees her kindness TT. I will never get fully over losing Kokos brother Nikica without closure and without knowing where or how he ended up but I know he is watching over me and Koko now

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kindlingkeen · 10 days

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Hi Keen. Lemme pick your brain a little bit, if you dont mind. Do you think Jason can ever be happy and at peace away from/without ever reconciling with Bruce? Or is Bruce necessary for Jason (or at least the Jason in your mind) to be truly happy (ala Choices)? ((Thanks, I love you and your writing!))

Hi anon, thanks for the lovely ask. I have many, many thoughts on this issue (shocker, I know). I thought about this extensively when I was writing the first two parts of Choices and I could happily chatter about it all day. Some general thoughts first, and then I’ll end with some specific thoughts for the Choices verse below a spoiler bar.

The simple answer is, yes. But I do think it gets exponentially harder after the whole batarang to the neck incident. I think there are three necessary components for Jason to really move on from Bruce and the Bats: closure, support, and purpose.

Closure, with respect to the whole Bruce / Joker business. This doesn’t mean he has to reconcile with Bruce. But there has to be some kind of conscious closure that isn’t just stewing in ‘I hate him and I going to pretend he doesn’t exist’ vibes. And given the emotional cluster of Bruce & Jason’s relationship, I think that would take a lot of support (see next point) and probably a fuck ton of therapy. Or some other kind of divine/magical/Dickinsonian intervention or some such nonsense. Otherwise, he’s just going to keep drifting back. Coming to terms with your father not avenging you the way you wanted and moving on from your death without making meaningful changes? That’s already hard. Finding closure from your Dad cutting your throat to save your murderer? Yikes. And, really, true closure would require Bruce to meet Jason at least part way, which at least in canon, ain’t never gonna happen.

Support as in the ride-or-die-I-will-burn-the-world-down-for-you kind of support mixed with the I-will-hold-you-accountable-for-all-your-shit-and-push-you-to-grow-as-a-person type of support. The kind of support he’ll probably never find with the Bats given all their baggage. It feels like this was what dc was aiming for with the Outlaws, but then kept deciding, ‘nope, we don’t actually want Jay to have nice things.’

And purpose, because Jason’s need to protect others is bone deep and he spirals without a deep commitment to that kind of outlet.

So, about Choices … I’m putting these thoughts below a spoiler bar for anyone who hasn’t read The People We Choose and Responsibility.

I don’t think Bruce actually is/was necessary for Jason to be truly happy in the Choices verse. With Talia, Jason found support and purpose. He didn’t have closure, but I think with time and distance, he probably would have gotten there on this own. If Talia hadn’t meddled, he would have stayed with her and the League long term and continued to grow and develop in a different direction.

Talia looked at the situation and, consciously or unconsciously (her mind is a twisty, twisty place), decided Jason’s lack of closure had too high of a risk of eventually pushing Jason back to Bruce and away from her. So she decided to meddle in a way where she could control the circumstances. Talia faces her problems head on and tries to force the outcome in her favor. Part of her honestly thought she was doing what was best for Jason (or at least convinced herself she was) but it was also manipulative and self-serving.

Those are just my opinions, though. Lots of different takes out there on this issue. :) Thanks for the ask, anon! I’m glad you’re enjoying my writing! 💙

#keen converses #jason and bruce #in canon they’re stuck in an endless loop #no real reconciliation no real closure #just a back and forth that hurts them both #jason todd #bruce wayne #under the red hood #the batarang

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qweerhet · 10 months

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i just wanted to share my experience. i dont wanna go into too much identifying detail but like. one of my best friends used to be my abuser. we were in an unhealthy codependent relationship for years, both abusing alcohol to cope with our traumas, and unfortunately abusing me as well. eventually we broke up and moved into different places, and both decided to stop drinking for our own sakes. after space and time we came back together to talk and have some closure. we both missed each other as friends. we set very clear boundaries with each other, and started hanging out more in slow and small increments. we both went to therapy, and not only did i process trauma there, i also got to speak to my abuser about it. and actually be heard. its shockingly healing to hear your ex abuser say "that was so fucked up what i did, and im sorry." sometimes these memories pop up still and we kinda have an understanding that me bringing it up is to talk through it with them, not out of anger. for some reason it really helped my healing to understand what my abuser had been thinking and going through themselves during the abuse.

people really don't understand when i try to explain it to them, they look at me like am an idiot, still being abused without realizing it. im not saying it was Easy, or without road bumps. we had fights a couple of times. but now, i feel so much more healed over that trauma than any other in my life. i feel actual closure, and i trust my friend completely now. i just want people to respect that, but oftentimes they don't :(

i don't really have much to say to this--just that i appreciate you sharing this, and that i personally resonate with a lot of it. i've had a similar experience--i don't refer to it as abuse for myself, because i don't think they had hierarchical power over me and i was genuinely just as toxic and violent towards them as they were to me during the period of time that was most harmful. but it was harm, it was emotional toxicity and power games, it was a lot of mutual toxic drug abuse, and it was sexual violence towards me specifically.

and... yeah, we broke up, and moved out, and both did a lot of trauma work and processing and community building and both giving and receiving emotional aid. and eventually, we got to a place where we started being friends again and are able to talk very openly about what we did to each other and why. and hearing "that was fucked up, i'm sorry i did that, and here's why it was wrong and how i act differently now" about the sexual violence i experienced... was the only thing that got me past the sexual trauma i carried with me from that time, in the end.

that's a personal statement. it's not going to apply to everyone, or even most people. but i really appreciated your willingness to share your experience publicly, and i'd like to reciprocate in turn for once. (probably not going to do more personal life experience sharing on this blog, or at least not in more detail than i have already, but i felt like this was an important one to share in this context.)

but yeah. it's really hard when people don't respect that or treat you like you're a naive idiot.

#anonymous #ask

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