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thatgirlstrawberry · 1 year

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Sick Surprise

Feb. Request-5

Spencer Reid x Single mother!fem!reader

In which Y/N and Spencer’s date gets canceled because she’s sick. He shows up at her apartment in for a big surprise

Warnings: Reader is a single mother, fluff and confusion, the reader’s kid being a smart ass just like her mom, cussing, lmk if I missed anything!

This is part 1 of a series linked on my pinned masterlist!

Y/N and Spencer had only been dating for a few weeks. It was fresh, new, amazing.

Spencer felt lucky to have mixed up coffees at the shop on the corner of his street.

“I got a hot white mocha with three shots of espresso and… a black coffee.” The cashier called out.

A girl about Spencer’s age hurried to the counter and grabbed one of the identical cups, not thinking about the other one there.

Spencer grabbed the other cup and pressed his lips together watching her walk back to her table by the big window. She had a book open on the table and a laptop open in front of her.

He looked down at the cup, his coffee smelling different than it usually did. He looked up just as the girl lifted the cup to her lip and made a face as she sipped.

Her eyes searched the shop until they Spencer’s and she smiled sheepishly, sliding off of her chair and onto her feet. She slowly walked up to him.

“Sorry, I think I accidentally grabbed your coffee.” She spoke, her face getting a bit red. “And I think you have mine.”

Spencer noticed how pretty her smile was. Her eyes sparkled even in the low light of the coffee shop. “Uh- Um it’s okay.” He held the cup out to her.

“We can switch lids, if you’d like.” She told him with a kind smile. “Since… y’know I drank out of it.”

“That’s a great i-idea.”

They switched lids and she inhaled awkwardly when they were staring at each other. “I’m Y/N.” She finally said. She didn’t stick her hand out, she just smiled up at him.

“I’m Spencer.”

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

Spencer smiled as he walked around his apartment as he talked to Y/N on the phone. “So I was thinking we could have dinner at your place tonight.” He told her. He hadn’t been to her apartment yet.

He heard her inhale sharply. “Spence, I don’t think that’s a good idea…” she trailed off. “I’m sick right now.” She explained.

“Oh… well maybe we can do it some other time.” He said.

Y/N cleared her throat. “Yeah, okay. Spence, I gotta go.”

Before he could say anything she hung up and Spencer furrowed his eyebrows.

.•.•.•.•.•.•.

Y/N wasn’t lying when she said she was sick. Eloise brought home a little cold from Daycare and spread it to her.

Nasty ass kids.

Y/N panicked when Spencer suggested that they do dinner at her place and gave him a weird answer. She didn’t want him to come over partially because she was a little sick but the other half of her was afraid that he’d leave her because she had a kid.

“Mommy!” She looked at her daughter who laid next to her on the couch. They were both watching Mickey Mouse because Eloise would scream her head off if they weren’t.

“Yes, baby?”

She giggled and clapped her hands pointing at the TV. “Goofy so funny!”

Y/N nodded. “Yes he is!” She smiled. She wanted to tear her ears off, she had heard Goofy’s stupid ass laugh way too much that day.

A few more moments later, Eloise piped up again. “Mommy.” She said all serious.

Y/N looked over at her daughter, sniffling. “Eloisey.” She said in the same tone.

She crawled up on her stomach. “Want to go play. In mini kitchen.” She stated.

The mother nodded. “Okay baby. Don’t be too loud. Our under neighbor doesn’t like it when you stomp.” She nodded, tickling her sides. “And what do we say about our under neighbor?” She asked.

Eloise giggle. “Under neighbor Molly has no personality and no ass.” She droned like she was reading from a script, her baby lisp making it sound more innocent than it was.

Y/N winked and high fived her daughter. “Good, go play Ellie.” She smiled.

The girl crawled off the couch and scrambled into her room.

The mother sighed and grabbed the remote, turning Mickey Mouse off and going to Netflix. She turned on Love Island UK— the best in her opinion.

A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. She sighed and paused her show, rolling off of the couch. She heard Eloise’s little feet pattering in from the other room.

She bit her lip as she glanced back at Eloise trailed behind her.

She reached the door and opened it. “Hel— holy fuck, no!” Her eyes widened. Spencer flinched back and furrowed his eyebrows at his girlfriend.

She looked down at his hands seeing cold medicine, a box of cold and flu tea, and container of soup.

“Mommy, who?” Eloise asked from behind her leg, peeking up at Spencer. He looked completely shocked and utterly confused.

The mother sighed and looked down. “Eloisey, why don’t you go play, baby?”

She nodded. “Can have hotdogs an’ cheese for lunch?”

She tore her guilty eyes away from Spencer’s and looked down at Eloise. “Yeah, babe. Just give me one second.”

The girl pattered away, giggling and shouting about her pasta that she was cooking in her mini kitchen.

She looked back up at Spencer. “What are you doing here?” She asked quietly.

Spencer swallowed. “I-I’m sorry— I just wanted to bring you some things since you said you were sick— was she calling you m-mommy?” He rambled.

Y/N bit her lip. “Do you wanna come in?” She asked, stepping out of the way. He sighed and nodded, walking into her apartment.

He looked around at all of the toys and paper and coloring pages. “I’m sorry. My place is a mess and Eloise is sick and the only way I could get her to stop screaming was to let her draw and run around like holy tyrant and-“

He set the things he had brought on the small dining room table. “I like it.” She but her lip and inhaled deeply.

“Thank you. For bringing me that stuff.” She nodded, hesitantly stepping closer to him.

“You’re welcome.”

They stood in silence for a moment, the only sounds were Eloise’s little voice pretending like she was running a restaurant.

Y/N smiled. “Spencer, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I- I just though that it would s-scare you away and I really didn’t wanna scare you away and-“

“You could never scare me away.” He spoke, getting closer to her.

Her eyes softened. “But you’re still really young. What man wants to date a girl who got knocked up in college?”

“What happened? Is her dad around?” He asked, avoiding the question.

She sighed and looked down at her feet. “This guy I was dating got me pregnant at a party and then like— transferred to a college across the state when I told him.”

She crossed her arms. “That’s terrible, Y/N. I’m sorry. Do you have any support at all? I mean, not that you’re not doing great I just mean—“

“My mom and dad don’t help out much. They still shame me for having a baby anyway.” She told him.

Spencer tilted his head. He was going to say something but Eloise’s voice was getting closer and closer.

“Mommy, play food with me!” She whined. She looked up at the stranger. “You play too!”

“Eloisey, I don’t think he wants—“

“What’s on the menu?” Spencer interrupted her. Eloise smiled and rushed up to him, grabbing his pant leg and dragging him towards her play room.

Y/N smiled warmly at the sight and pressed her lips together, following them.

“Strawbewy soup, pop tarts, chick pie…” She kept going with fake dishes she had made up as Spencer sat down at her little princess table. “Mommy sit!” She stomped her little foot.

She chuckled and sat on the other side of the table, her knees pressing against the edge just as Spencer’s were.

She glanced at him as Eloise brought a piece of paper with a bunch of scribbles on it. “What you want?” She asked rather snappily.

Spencer chuckled. “Uh, what are you getting Y/N?” He asked, smiling at her.

“I’ll take…” She pretended like she was thinking for a while. “Strawberry soup please!”

She hummed and nodded rapidly. She looked up at Spencer. “What want?”

“I want a chicken pie.” He nodded.

“Otay… toming wight up.” She nodded, tearing the paper up from the table after she scribbled words on it.

She walked away humming, going to play with her little mini kitchen. “How old is she?” Spencer asked.

Y/N tore her eyes away from the little girl as she ‘cooked’. “She’s 3 going on 13.”

“Wow.” He smiled.

Y/N giggled. “I’m glad you didn’t meet her during her terrible 2s. She’d have gum in your hair and your shoe laces tied together by now.”

Spencer chuckled but got quiet as he looked at Eloise still dancing and pretending to cook. “You could have told me, Y/N. ”

Y/N bit her lip as tears filled her eyes. “I— i didn’t want you to feel like I was trying to make you stay.” She shook her head. She was quiet. “And I w-was scared that we would get abandoned like we did when I got pregnant. A-and I didn’t want you to feel like you have to do anything for her— I’m so sorry—“

Spencer tilted his head. “Y/N, If I’m with you, that means I’m with her.” He nodded. “It’s a package deal.”

She smiled, trying not to burst into tears again. She wiped her eyes when Eloise came up to the table again. “Mkay, mommy. Here is straw soup!”

She nodded at the girl as she got a bowl of water and a plastic fork. “Mm thank you baby! It looks super good!”

She giggled and turned to Spencer. “Here is chick pie!”

“Thank you, Eloise!” He gasped as she set a paper plate with a piece of bread on. “This looks yummy.”

Y/N chuckled at the use of his word. “Mm looks so yummy I might need a bite of yours.”

The girl was in the middle of babbling incoherent words when she started sneezing and coughing.

Y/N raised her eyebrows. “Looks like it’s mommy’s turn to play food!” She gasped, getting up from the chair and scooping Eloise up. “It’s time to get some medicineeee and some hotdogsss and some souppppp.” She tickled the baby.

Spencer followed them into the kitchen where she set Eloise down on the counter next to the sink.

Y/N reached up in the cabinet to grab the baby cold medicine out. “What’s your name?” Eloise asked him as Y/N danced around the kitchen grabbing orange juice from the fridge. Spencer walked and leaned on the counter next to the little girl.

“My name’s Spencer. What’s yours?” Of course he already knew what it was but it’s important to ask toddlers questions that they can answer easily.

“Eloise.” She nodded proudly. “You call me Eloisey like mommy.” She smiled and clapped her hand over her mouth, coughing.

Y/N came up to her shaking a shot glass (yes a literal shot glass) that had a mixture of cough syrup and orange juice in it.

“Eloisey’s special drink!” She smiled handing the girl the shot glass. She quickly drank it and handed the glass back to her mother.

“Mmmm!”

Spencer laughed and she looked over at him. “Hey, it’s the only way I can get her to take medicine.” She held her hands up in surrender.

The man shook his head. “No, yeah, I get it! Whatever works, works right?”

Y/N nodded. “Yeah.” She sniffled. “Do you wanna stay for lunch? The menu is sparse but I make a pretty good hotdog bites and cheese.” She shrugged. “Also featuring that soup you brought.”

Spencer nodded. “Yeah, of course!”

.•.•.•.•.

Spencer now understood why Eloise liked to dance so much.

Y/N twirled around the kitchen, dancing around to the ‘Grease’ soundtrack. Eloise giggle in her arms as she screeched the wrong lyrics. Spencer wasn’t even sure that she he was saying real words.

Spencer chuckled and watched the two dance around. Eloise looked just like her mother.

“Okay! Time to eat baby!” She set the girl down in her chair and twirled back over to the stove where she took the hotdogs out of the pan and put it onto her green Mickey plate.

This kid was obsessed with Mickey.

She cut up the hotdog and tore sliced cheese up and put it on top. “Mommy, please! I’m hungry!” Eloise whined.

“I know baby, give me a minute I gotta get your fruit!” She smiled at Spencer. “Kid acts like I starve her.” She rolled her eyes.

He chuckled and walked over to the table sitting in the chair across from Eloise. “What kind of fruit do you like?” He asked her.

“I wike… ummmm bwuberries, appohs an…. oranges!” She listed. “Don’t wike nanas an gwapes.”

Y/N giggled from the kitchen, cutting up some oranges for her.

A few moments later, she set a plate in front of Spencer and plate in front of her daughter. “Where my cup, mommy?”

“In the kitchen.” She nodded, going back in there. “Do you want blue or pink juice?”

Spencer admired how they interacted. She was a really good mother and he could tell.

He watched her fill the small sippy cup halfway with pink juice and the other half with water. “Here you go sweet cheeks.” She smiled, setting the cup down in front of her.

Y/N looked at Spencer. “Would you like a glass of wine? Beer?”

Spencer shook his head. “Water’s fine.” He nodded at the glass she had already set in front of him before.

“Oh w-well do you want ice? Or a flavor packet?” She asked, her face a little worried.

“No I’m okay, Y/N.” He smiled. She sighed and nodded with a small smile on her face.

She sat down next to Eloise and kissed her cheek as she chewed on an orange.

.•.•.•.•.•.

After lunch, it was nap time. Eloise started getting cranky.

“You ass!” She cried when Spencer tried to play with her. “Ass! Ass!” Y/N gasped and scooped her up from the couch.

“No, Eloisey! We don’t say that.”

“You say ass all time, mommy!” She giggled.

Y/N sighed and looked at her boyfriend. “I’m gonna… go put her down. She’s tired.”

She walked into the room and left Spencer sitting on the couch.

20 minutes later, Y/N came back out with her hair a mess and sleepy eyes. She stalked over to the couch where Spencer was waiting patiently and collapsed next to him.

“God, she’s a terror when she’s tired.” She laid her head on his shoulder.

Spencer wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

A few minutes passed and that just sat there in silence. “Spencer?” She spoke quietly.

“Hm?” He hummed.

She looked up at him, a small smile graced her lips.

“Thank you for not leaving me.”

—————————

YUUUHHH DAY 5

Thanks to the amazing requester (chose not to be tagged) If you had something else in mind, I’m happy to rewrite!!

I LOVED WRITING THIS ONE

I was also asked to ask YOU if you’d like me to make this I to a series! I definitely will because I loooove this concept!

Feel free to request any fic!! Love y’all

#spencer reid #spencer fluff #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid smut #criminal minds imagine #spencer reid x original female character #spencer x oc #crimimal minds #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds

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absolutebl · 3 months

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This Week in BL - it was a pretty darn good time, frankly

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Feb 2024 Wk 4

Ongoing Series - Thai

The Sign (Sat YT) ep 12fin - Everyone looked like they were having a lot of fun in the fight sequences. I’m very happy for them. I’m not surprised they shot Khem and Chart. A little shocked it wasn’t also Yai, TBH.

I found this final episode rushed. According to rumors, The Sign was originally slated to be 14 eps, and it probably should’ve been. And I don’t say that often about Thai BL. But we all knew it was getting too bloated for its britches, so I'm not surprised they fumbled the ending. For me personally, it just wasn't that bad. It was fine and I was fine with it.

Tho, Billy does not look good with facial fur, messes up those gorgeous angles.

I was ultimately amused that the solution to the mythology thread was simply to talk to the river god and persuaded him to give up... off screen. It felt very old school wuxia. Or like Aeschylus or something. I did adore the stinger, Saint was basically like “I want wings too”.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This show is literally everything (except straight) all at once. It's BL, queer, band of brothers, romcom, erotica, PNR, fated mates, police procedural, fantasy, mystery, suspense, and slasher. It’s the king of genre mash-up chaos. Sure, it's madness but there is genius in it. Was it a crazy unhinged mess +1 roll for damage? Yes. Yes it was. Did it manage to hold all those tangled threads together? No it did not. Was it also a charming, sexy, engaging, non-stop piece of entertainment? Sure thing. I think this show is basically my KinnPorsche, and frankly I’ve been chasing that dragon naga since KP aired. Is it perfect? No. But it was balls to the wall FUN and that gets a 9/10 from me.

I'm thinking of doing a full recap review (partly because I have so many great screen shots.)

Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube grey) ep 10-11 of 12 - Since this series is following the yaoi so closely, I knew these were the separation eps. (Also I knew with would be a soft non-doom ep 11, Japan rarerly does these.) I like that they used it to show improve communication and development in all relationships, but, frankly, TayNew are just best when they are TayNew together on screen. So yeah. Let’s keep them back together, please?

Meanwhile, TayNew gifted us a gorgeous loving sweet sex scene. Thanks OG for doing us a solid.

I wanna add, it sure is fun to see New play as soft and vulnerable character, I feel like he hasn’t done that since SOTUS.

(Read all about distribution issues here.)

Cooking Crush (Sun YT) ep 12fin - 1/3 of this is a sweet romance about a student doctor falling in love with a student chef, and the rest of it is utter dross. Look the OffGun bits were GREAT.. In fact, I think they’re better AS A PAIR in this show than in any of their other BLS. And I'm a hard sell on any OffGun being better than PickRome. Saying that, how can I review a show where I could only tolerate 1/3 of it? Because I didn’t like any other aspect of this show, no other pairs and no other plots. That gives me: 9/10 for the OffGun bits, 5/10 for everything else. Frankly it probably should be an 8 but I gotta go with my gut and it's upset about this so 7/10. Sorry boys. It’s GMMTV’s fault. Your heart was in this show, mine wasn’t.

City of Stars (Fri iQIYI) ep 4 of 12 - These two are so good at making heart eyes at each other. It’s ridiculous. They don’t need any cartoon images or noises. Moot crush but "I wanna flirt and court more" is so flipping awesome. I love this for them… and us.

1000 Years Old ep 2 of 12 - It’s very silly and we have been gifted with the dorkiest vampire ever. But... the smell thing makes me so happy. And I like that the vamp uses chan/nai or tan = v old fashioned. Nahlak. I love our ghost girl. Did you notice she wasn’t in the room with them but they left an empty chair for her? Also nahlak.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Perfect Propose (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 5 of 6 - Kai was pretty much just “you're a workaholic but I basically married you whether you like it or not.” SMOOCH. What can I say? I'm a sucker for this dynamic.

AntiReset (Taiwan Fri Viki/Gaga) ep 5 of 10 - How is this show so cute? How do they both love and hurt each other so much. They are both just scared of loosing each other. Gah.

Unknown (Taiwan Sat Youku YouTube) 1 of 12 eps - Youku dropped the first ep to their YouTube channel but I doubt we can expect that to continue. Still, it was nice to be able to watch it in a convenient way. I enjoyed it. But I am cautious about it. Of course this is possibly two of my favorite tropes of all time (stepbrothers or a variation + hyung romance). So I’m looking forward to the romantic thread, but from the gritty style, it feels a lot more like a Taiwanese short. Which means it could go very dark and may not end happy.

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 7 of 10 - I just don’t know if the main couple should be a couple. But when they finally get around to talking to each other, they sure are lovely. Also how great is it to see a uke initiate a kiss? Even if it’s not a very good kiss.

My Strawberry Film (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 2 of 8 - I am still not sure about this one. I am not contesting its quality, just saying it’s not for me. Also I’m not wild about what amounts to basically a redo of everything that already happened in the first episode from a different perspective. I know it’s a tall order with Japan, but I would like (when it’s a short series) for each new installment to actually move the plot (such as it is) along in someway. Am I asking too much?

It's done but I have no time

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have any spare time. 2024 is crazy busy for me so far.

The Servant and the Young Master - from Vietnam, it's on YouTube. I will give it a try when I have a window of time.

Began Beginning (Myanmar YouTube) - A Burmese BL? @heretherebedork vouched for it, so I will give it a watch.

It's airing but...

Dead Friend Forever (Thai iQIYI) - rumors are it's interesting but full of unlikable characters. I'm waiting to know how it ends.

Ossans Love Season 2 (Japan Gaga) - 5 years later, will anything have changed? This is Japan so… probubly not. I won't be watching this. I disliked Season one and actively hated the follow ups. No thank you.

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 14 eps - Dear Playboyy, it's not you, it’s me… I hate you. You’re about as deep (and as palatable) as a shot glass of cum. While I'm sure you’re someone’s kink, you're my weakest link. Goodbye. I DNFed this at ep 5. Frankly I'm impressed with myself for getting that far. Ends next week TF.

Time the series (Tue Gaga/YT) 10 eps - dropped it at ep 4.

A Secretly Love (Thai WeTV) - I tried but I can't get into my WeTV account anymore and I'm way too lazy to figure it out. Should I bother to go grey for it?

To Be Continued (Thai C3 Thailand YT) - High school sweethearts who had a bad break up reunite when both of them have full time jobs but coming out is still a problem. You can watch this on YT but it has no Eng Subs.

Next Week Looks Like This:

We're light on content right now, but frankly I'm so busy with work I don't really mind.

3/6 Born to be Y (Thai ????) 10 eps - 14 contestants who audition to compete in Born To Be Y, a program that searches for the best couple of the year to work together on a giant project. Described as semi-reality series. So I probably won't bother.

3/7 Deep Night (Thai iQiyi) 10 eps - Multiple romances set in a host clubs. Nice to see First back on my screen but this is not my favorite setting.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

The eyes have it.

Your random BL moment brought to you by my ult-bias being a hyung smartass to his maknae.

(Last week)

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nerd-on-duty · 3 months

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Tatort Saarbrücken (Spatort) English subtitles - 2024 edition (episodes 1-5)

For all international fans who want to watch Tatort Saabrücken (of annual tumblr trending fame) but don't speak German, fear not:

Send me a DM and I can send you a link for English subs :)

(Please do not send asks as I can't post them publicly and I've had the unfortunate experience of privately posted ones eating links or disappearing into the tumblr void, never to be seen again...)

For return customers: as of today (04 Feb 2024) the newest episode (#5 - Der Fluch des Geldes (FdG)) is now live! The Drive link is still the same and the ReadMe has been updated as well, so check that out for links and guides as always.

And as always: THIS IS AN UNOFFICIAL FAN PROJECT THAT I DO AS A HOBBY - PLEASE DO NOT POST THE LINK OR THE FILES PUBLICLY!

More info under the cut

You can pass them along to other people privately (though please also ask them not to post them and to let anyone else they'd like to share them with know as well!), but I really don't want any beef with the channel (which is publicly funded and can afford far fancier lawyers than me, who is none-funded and can afford no lawyers) because these are not official in any capacity nor do I want to leave anyone with the impression that these could be official. They're a simple homemade attempt at letting non-German-speaking fans participate in the epic highs and lows of Spatort because there currently are no official English subtitles. Any mistakes are entirely my own, I don't own any of the copyrights to Tatort or any of their characters or plots, yadda yadda.

That being said, if you notice any typos, translation errors, missing or out of date links or anything else, please do let me know so I can update the files accordingly!

As I've gotten a few messages this year apologizing for being late: if anyone sees this in the future - yes, this is still up to date. You can shoot me a message at any time of the year and I will get back to you as soon as I can (usually within 24-48 h). If you still haven't heard from me after a week (especially if there's still new posts coming in on the blog) feel free to poke me again - I promise I'm not ignoring you, I most likely just haven't seen the notification.

If you want to filter spoilers for the new episode in the meantime, block #spatort spoilers to avoid seeing them on this blog (I generally use this tag for posts related to new episodes in between the official release and uploading the subtitles)

#tatort saarbrücken #spatort #tatort subtitles #spatort subtitles #der fluch des geldes #die kälte der erde #das herz der schlange #der herr des waldes #das fleißige lieschen #fdg #kde #hds #hdw #dfl #in the unlikely event that this blog should go dead entirely:#there are loads of people out there by now who have the link #a post on the Spatort tag that you're looking for the link but I'm no longer responding should be enough for the right people to find you

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777rare · 1 year

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ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS PT.1

Disclaimer :

DO NOT READ FURTHUR IF YOU ARE A MINOR!!

!TW! : THIS CONTAINS MENTIONING OF seggs so please scroll if ur below 18+

THESE NOTES ARE ONLY A STUDY OF MINE AND HAS/HAS NOT BEEN PROVEN YET, SO IF IT DOES NOT RESONATE WITH YOU, FORGIVE ME AS IT WAS ONLY A STUDY/OBSERVATION OF MINE.

I DO NOT PILRIMIZE, COPY OR REWORD ANY OF MY FELLOW ASTROLOGY OBSERVERS POSTS AND I DEMAND THE SAME IN RETURN

venus- moon in harmonious aspects( trine,sextile, maybe conjunction too) natives seem to have prominent breasts whereas when there's negative aspects(square,opposition,semi square) the native could have breasts that may be a bit different in size.

Why do People having mercury- pluto (any asp.) Have a very smooth, husky or just a very soothing voice?🙊🔥💨 Ex: SZA has her mercury conjunct pluto and I can't help but notice how her voice has a touch of relaxation and idk it's just so satisfying to hear her voice. But this may not be the same for others, This can depend on the other aspects as well.

Aphrodite-sun , you carry beauty in your very aura. If in harmonious aspects, you may know that you carry beauty inside you but if there is a hard aspect, you probably struggle to understand, realize or accept how beautiful your aura is or even how beautiful you are.💫👑💓

Eros-mars natives love rough, passionate or even "sex that involves lots of energy" sex so so much. Esp. In a man's chart💥🔥🥵

people with Odin conjunct venus (male and female) know just how to romance and seduce anybody within a minute damnn they don't need no class. they make people lowkey fall for them so so easily.💘🙉🛐

Natives with kiss-mars love aggressive kissing. Anywhere on the body as well. Especially if it's sextile or conjunct.💥🤤

Natives with Saturn-sun (most of the time harsh aspects) have so much authoritative, unapproachable and even a formal energy. People don't wanna play with you cuz you look like a person who don't take anybodys shit and most of the time this is the reason people don't approach you much cuz you look too structured or formal for them to loosen up and speak casually with you. (If u hv this You could always look like 😐🤨😑)

Jupiter-venus >> big butt, beautiful thighs and hips🍑

(can my dear readers having neptune-saturn clarify if this is relatable with you) neptune- saturn natives like to fantasize about having their partner on their knees or their partner putting them on their knees. This can also apply to mars-saturn having this kink.⛓

Jupiter- pluto/mars, just stroke or kiss these natives thighs to make them wet. These people have so much genital liquids in their sex organs. They can even cum multiple times and You can also grab their hips and make em go ughh😩🥵

people having cusp of sensitivity/magic/rebirth are most likely to be naturally intuitive, spiritual from birth, even psychic and clairvoyant.

Cusp of sensitivity : Feb 15-21 (aquarius/pisces)

Cusp of magic : June 17-23 (gemini/cancer)

Cusp of rebirth : March 17-23 (pisces/aries)

Natives with Mercury-mars aspects like to grab their partners hands while making out

ASTEROIDS MENTIONED ABOVE :

aphrodite - 1388

Eros - 433

Odin - 3989

Let me know if y'all want a pt.2! Feel free to reblog and tag me when you do❤🙌🏻 hope you all enjoyed today's post! Thankyou!!🫂💫

Also I wanna let my dear readers know that I usually observe 18+ related topics in natal charts💓 and I could frequently post about 18+ observations so fasten yo seatbelts!🙌🏻💫

#spiritualawakening #spirituality #spiritual enlightenment #astrology notes #astro community #astroblr #astrotips #astrology #Astrology18+#astro posts #eros astrology

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miss-little-luna · 27 days

Note

How did meet the person your with?

Would you ever have crib or playpen?

This will be a long one 🩷

Ah, actually, we went to high school together! I never noticed him tho but he noticed me. I think I remember seeing him at the bus pickup spot at school one day, but it's kinda foggy. I was in a 5-year relationship at that time and engaged. So I wasn't interested in anyone else.

Later on, after that break up, I got into a few others and then landed into an abusive one. I won't go into details as it's a sensitive subject to talk about, but one night, he left. Actually ran off with my best friend and her boyfriend to the beach. I remember sitting on the couch watching Underworld by myself, and I got a Facebook message notification. Behold it was my husband. He said, "Hi, you probably don't remember me, but I remember you. We went to school together."

At that point, I was crying and upset, but for some reason, this random message gave me hope. I really can't explain how i felt, I just knew this was supposed to happen. After not even chatting for 5 mins, I gained the courage to text my boyfriend and break up with him. I knew with him being gone. It was my chance. I couldn't do it face to face because it would have ended up with me on the floor. So I did.

And to this day, I honestly believe God's plan worked out exactly how He intended. If my husband hadn't messaged me that night, honestly, I'd probably be dead. He saved me, and I will forever be grateful for that. It did take 2 years to meet in person despite us living 15 mins away from each other. My panic disorder was in full swing, and I had just quit drugs and alcohol cold turkey. But we did meet eventually, Feb 27th to be exact! Took another 1 for us to live together and now we've been together for 11 years 🩷

There's so many more details but it's something I'd rather talk about then text! Hope that answers your question.

And yes, I actually have a baby crib. It's just in storage because I have nowhere to put it! But hopefully I will soon 🩷

This is me when I convinced him to wear! I try not to show his face but dats my baby 🩷💍

#lovers #ab/dl community

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anincompletelist · 2 months

Text

feb + march recs <3

[other rec links below the cut!]

y'all know the drill! as always, please remember to leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed the fic or show support in other ways, and be kind! mind the tags and if you come across something you dislike, please kindly (and quietly) move on.

I had quite a few recs to catch up on - and am STILL catching up on - as I have been MIA with physical/mental health shenanigans as of late (so please excuse the fact that these are a bit angsty skjdhkjhd). thank you as always to these authors and their beautiful words for being a comfort! I love having a full 'to-read' list! :D

see you again soon, and happy reading! <3

I've Always Loved New York, Since Garlic Aioli | KingCaspianX | E | 12k

Alex would say that this date is going really, really well. It hurts to admit because he now owes Nora a six-pack of beer, but he’ll happily swallow his pride if it means he gets to spend as much time as humanly possible with the cute librarian with the elbow patches who’d asked him out last week. The cute librarian, Henry, is not wearing any elbow patches this evening, but is instead dressed in cream linen pants and a soft blue oversized shirt. There’s a slight sheen of sweat on his skin, on his collar bones, down his neck from the balmy New York air but instead of being gross, the way Alex probably is, it’s sinful. He’s glowing. Alex wants to lick his throat. Jesus, he could have sworn he was straight a minute ago. Or, Henry asks Alex on a date. Alex, straight, accepts.

Henry's an Asshole (I Want to Kiss Him) | anarchyat4am | T+ | 7k

At the NYE Gala, Henry starts feeling the hazy edges of anxiety and an uncomfortable tightness in his chest. It takes him longer than it should to take notice of the feeling, and even longer to realise that the cause is likely the binder he’s been wearing all day. He escapes the party, Alex gets him upstairs to his room to change, and the rest of the night goes far differently than Henry could have expected.

getting good now | Standinginmoonlight | M | 20k

Alex sighs and balls his hands up into fists, digging them into his eye sockets until he sees stars, and then he’s speaking without his brain giving his mouth permission. “I can’t believe I’m going to marry someone British.” Or: the Love is Blind AU that no-one asked for.

cause you're classic and I'm reckless | @firenati0n | T+ | 5k

“I've, actually, uh. I've never done this before.” At this, Henry stops short, takes a second as his gaze moves up and to the left, trying to recall something. “I've seen your films. You most certainly have done intimate scenes.” Alex clears his throat. He hopes his nerves aren't completely obvious, the slight waver in his voice about to give him away. “Yeah, well. Never with a man, so. Not at this scale, anyway.” “Would it help to, er, practice?" Henry winces a little as he says it, which does not inspire confidence. But Alex is shocked nonetheless. What the fuck?

love was just an ocean (I would drown before I float) | srrafoxjournals | NR | 21k

There are moments in Henry’s adolescence, maybe even later, when he feels he doesn't belong to anyone. He is no one’s son. He is no one’s little brother. He is no one’s partner. He isn’t related to anyone at all. He’s just there really, just existing. Just an entity. Though he thinks he’s realistically always felt this, it doesn’t make itself known until he turns thirteen. Or: moments from Henry's pov

It's Not Rotten Work If It's You | a_stray_thief | E | 31k

After years of taking suppressants to hide his omega status, after the email leak and the election, after things finally settle, Henry and Alex spend Henry’s first heat together.

say you'll see me again (even if it's just in your wildest dreams) | @coffeecatsme | T+ | 21k

5 times Henry is too scared to come out to Alex and 1 time Alex gives him the courage. Or, 6 times Alex slowly falls in love with Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, for exactly who he is.

*I HIGHLY recommend this entire series! check it out here!

What are the chances? | @wordsofhoneydew | E | 2k

Nora helps June achieve her first vaginal orgasm.

Bang a Gong (Get It On) | @cactusdragon517 | E | 11k

AKA ouroBROros, as dubbed by the Brownstone. The long awaited foursome fic. -- It’s late when they end up out in the yard, the fire from the firepit casting all of them in golden syrupy light under a dark sky. It feels like a night for secrets and Liam thinks it’s why he asks, Spencer’s hand a gentle pressure on his thigh.

cut | validvali | E | 12k

Holy fucking eyelashes. He’s all tan skin and bright eyes and charming smile— everything that makes Henry weak in the knees. Pretty brown eyes dart between the lineup and his clipboard, trying to put two and two together, but all Henry can focus on are those arms. Those hands. That arse. “Can I call you up, handsome?” Henry almost blacks out. [or, the five times alex and henry shoot a video together as (not so) strangers, and the one time they do as a couple.]

Silence & Sound | @nocoastposts | E | 2k

Alex tugs at his hair and tries to focus on choosing his next words. He knows that Henry will help him - that he wants to help him. He knows that all he has to do is say the word. Henry stands and steps closer, holding Alex’s chin firmly and tilting his head up so their eyes are forced to meet. “You need me to clear that lovely head of yours, hm?” “Please,” Alex says in barely a whisper. or: Henry helps Alex fill the silence before indulging in the sound.

Through All My Cards | @cactusdragon517 | E | 7k

Alex, preparing for top surgery, gives in when June suggests he not recover alone. Enter her friend, Henry Fox.

I love you (ain't that the worst thing you've ever heard) | coffeecatsme | E | 20k

Henry doesn’t doubt that, just as much as he doesn’t doubt now that Alex won’t have a single issue with him being trans. In another life, when Henry whispered it in the quiet hours of the night, he didn’t. In another life, when he kissed Henry anyway, he didn’t. In another life. In this one, when Alex meets his eyes, all there is left behind them is a cold glare that freezes Henry to his soul. One year ago, Henry had a whirlwind of a day with Alex after a chance meeting in a coffee shop, only to leave in the morning to protect his heart. He doesn't expect to see Alex again, until he shows up at June's wedding and finds out her brother is the same Alex he hasn't been able to get out of his mind for a year - and he's pissed.

Can You See Me? (I'm Waiting for the Right Time) | @affectionatelyrs | T+ | 7k

“Whose turn was it?” Henry asks while Alex is busy pondering the merits of throwing himself out their fifth-story window and hoping his boner doesn’t take anyone’s eye out on his way down. “Forgive me, but I am a bit tired. Do you think you could take it?” There’s no way that Henry’s not doing this on purpose. He makes words mean things when put in a certain order for a living, for fucks sake. Alex almost quips back depends on how big it is just to see how—or if—Henry would react. “Yeah, um, no problem.” There. Much more normal. He could steal Henry’s job at this rate. “Truth or dare?” [Or, Alex’s world gets flipped on its axis during a game of truth or dare]

At the end of a bar | @hgejfmw-hgejhsf | E | 9k+

Alex has a supremely shitty day at work and finds himself wandering into a bar where a mystery man catches his attention.

What do you have against color? | jumpsuit | E | 11k

Upon opening the hardcover of a found sketchbook to locate the owner's contact details, Alex discovers only this inscription: In case of loss, please return to: Instagram @henryfox.usk He, of fucking course, knows who Henry Fox is. That striking yet humorless, rude, and self-righteous British prick he met on the first day of the symposium. [Or, an AU where Alex and Henry are urban sketchers. A short story of how they get to know each other, fall in love and in bed within one day.]

Sunless Dusting Libraries | @itsmaybitheway | T+ | 7k

Henry should leave, he should wait until everyone is asleep and then silently leave, without a trace. As if he never existed in Alex's life, as if he never touched Alex's body, as if he never wanted only exist in his heart and mind. Because that is what Alex deserves. Alex deserves someone who can love him out and proud, someone who is not shamed for his existence, someone as bright as him, not the pale starlight gleam Henry is. But lying there on the pile of mattresses they piled together and called a bed- Henry can not even find it in himself to breathe, let alone get up and go. Betrayed by his own existence, once again. [or: what-If taken by a depressive episode, Henry can not leave the lake house?]

each time we touch / I wanna take too much | firenati0n | M | 1k

Alex keeps his head angled away from the couch, leaning his back against the base for support as he pretends to be engrossed in conversation with Pez on the floor; pretends not to shamelessly eavesdrop on Henry's conversation with some girl on the opposite end of the couch, a classmate in Henry's course on human sexuality and expression. He digs his fingers into the frayed edges of the shaggy rug, feeling the soft strands slip through his hands as he keeps his eyes on Pez. Keeps his ears on Henry, who's sitting behind him, his knee occasionally nudging Alex's back as he talks animatedly, his whole body moving as he gestures; all languid limbs, lithe body, loose lips, lazy smiles.

to repair a hollowed heart | coffeecatsme | E | 28k

Alexander Claremont-Diaz, the young ruler of the Underworld, the presider of souls that have passed away, has been banned from Olympus his entire life, on account of bringing death and destruction wherever he goes. His seat in the highest council of gods has been left permanently empty until someone sees all that he is and still falls in love with the man behind. It's been twenty centuries since the curse has been put upon him, and Alex has long since given up on finding the right person. [Or, a Hades and Persephone AU no one asked for]

back with more soon! see my other recs below:

vol i

vol ii

vol iii

vol iv

vol v

emotional hurt/comfort

kid fics

tag for all recs

#my fic recs #rwrb fic rec #red white and royal blue fanfic rec #firstprince fic #Henry x Alex

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jalwyn21 · 20 days

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What are the chances that Joe was “blue” because of her? And that he has color back in his face too because he’s no longer with her? Because I just have this sense that she is an unreliable narrator based on the 10 different reasons she has given for the breakup and none of them include her taking accountability for her role in beating that man down due to her behaviour.

Well, let's see! There are NO mentions of him being "blue" on Rep. None!

Like if Joe is just naturally predisposed to be anxious and depressed you'd think she would have noticed it immediately, so he wasn't broken and blue from day 1. Joe is not like this naturally. He was a "killer" and "cool" back then. Took her a couple of years to break her favourite toy. So, he was introverted yes, but not blue.

The Joe is "blue" references appear later on Lover. "I'm with you even if it makes me blue" (Paper Rings; Lover), "We're so sad, we paint the town blue" ( Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince Lover), "I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue" & "It's so excruciating to see you low" (Afterglow) "But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come" (Peace; Folklore), "Don't want no other shade of blue but you" (Hoax; Folklore), "Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything or do you just not want to?" (Renegade; written after Evermore) "Soldier down on that icy ground Looked up at me with honor and truth Broken and blue, so I called off the troops That was the night I nearly lost you" (The Great War)

Lover was apparently done by Feb 2019 and released Aug 2019, Folklore was July 2020, and Renegade was being written maybe December 2020.

So the broken and blue Joe wasn't a thing before 2018. Suspicious huh 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

It took her a couple of years to break her favourite toy and the themes of Joe being "blue" and accusing him of cheating came in.

So, 4 years of mindfuckery and abuse assuming the first 2 years were decent enough… 🙄

Also, funny how the boy who was brave enough to fly to the US all alone with a backpack (they literally had to buy him clothes) and charm Ang Lee and Yorgos back in 2015 to give him roles is now all anxious and insecure. Suspicious huh 🙄🙄🙄 Yeah Joe, where the anxiety at back in 2015? 🙄 This is not something an anxious boy could handle.. 🙄 Almost like someone made him feel he wasn't good enough or successful enough… 🙄🙄🙄

#free joe alwyn #jalwyn #q&a #nonnie #joe alwyn #anti taylor swift #joealwyn #toxic swifties #shit swifties say #toxic taylor swift #free joe alwyn from psycho swifties #joe alwyn is beautiful

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kalegreeneyes · 3 months

Text

Feb 1 - Chocolate - 971 words - @wolfstarmicrofic

“I don’t think you understand how important this is,” Sirius stresses, hands fisting in his own hair and pulling at it in his frustration.

“Why does Moony’s birthday present matter so much this year?” James asks, flopping back on his bed in their dorm while he watches Sirius pace.

“Because it just does okay? It does,” Sirius groans, spinning in place to continue pacing in the opposite direction.

It matters so much to Sirius this year because he finally cast his patronus about a month ago and hasn’t told anyone about it. It matters because he’s finally realized why Moony is different to him than Prongs and Wormtail. When he holed himself up in the room of requirement and ran through his happiest memories until he managed to finally, finally land on one that worked, it just so happened to be the one of Remus's face when they told him about having become animagi for him. He had looked right at Sirius like he just knew it was his idea, and the look of sheer awe on his face had made Sirius feel more important than he ever had in his entire life. So, Sirius had focused on that look in his mind’s eye until the feeling it gave him filled his entire body and burst from the tip of his wand. Sirius had watched with amazement as what he initially thought was a dog, namely Padfoot, started running in the air around the room. Then, it got a bit closer, and Sirius’s heart had nearly given out when he realized that it wasn’t Padfoot at all. It was Moony.

Sirius’s entire world shifted on its axis in that moment. He knew there was something different; something that kept him up at night more frequently than not, something that had him staring at Remus whenever he got the chance–but he just hadn’t put it together. He hadn’t even considered that he could like other blokes until then, but as the light of the patronus faded and left Sirius cast in dim candlelight, it was glaringly obvious that not only could he, he did. So, naturally, he’s spent the entire past month panicking and trying desperately to figure out if there’s any chance at all that Remus could feel the same. It’s made things weird. Very weird. He’s come to the conclusion that he has to rip the bandaid off and show Remus his patronus, but he’s absolutely terrified that it might ruin their friendship.

“I have something…special for him,” Sirius explains, keeping it vague, “but I’m worried that it might ruin his birthday. And everything else, so. I don’t know what to get him as a back-up present just in case the first thing goes horribly wrong, and it’s tomorrow, and I’m freaking the fuck out!”

“I’ve noticed,” James chuckles unhelpfully. “I don’t really know how to help if you won’t tell me what you’re giving him that might ruin his birthday? But, I mean, you could give it to him on another day?”

“NO! I can’t! It’s kind of a big deal, so it obviously has to be on his birthday!”

“Alright, well. I can’t help you there, but I do have a solid solution for his back-up present,” James smirks, holding up the invisibility cloak in one hand and the Marauders’ Map in the other.

*****

Remus follows Sirius through the doorway into the room of requirement long after everyone else has gone to bed on the night of his birthday, feeling a bit nervous and a lot confused. Sirius has been treating him strangely for the entire past month, and Remus hasn’t been able to get any sense of why. It isn’t like he can become an illegal animagus for him a second time.

They walk into the center of the open space the room created for them, a few couches and flickering candelabras around the outside of the inner circle where Sirius stops to stand across from him. Sirius just stands there biting his lip and wringing his hands until Remus can’t take it anymore.

“Sirius, why did you bring me here?” he asks, frustration slipping into his tone. It’s been a hard month of not knowing what’s going on.

“I just- I wanted to give you your present, but it had to be in private,” Sirius starts. He swallows harshly, uncertainty apparent in his gaze. “Before I show you, I just want you to know that this doesn’t have to change anything.”

“Okay?” Remus says cautiously.

“Okay. Okay, here goes,” Sirius says on a deep breath, then holds his wand out and closes his eyes. After a few moments, the stunning blue light of a patronus pours out of his wand and fills the room. Remus blinks a few times to adjust, watching dumbfoundedly as the unmistakable form of a wolf sprints over his head. His heart starts hammering in his chest as he brings his gaze back down to Sirius, standing there across from him, looking small and scared.

“Is that–?” Remus asks. Sirius bites his lip and nods with a thick swallow.

Remus is across the room in a split second, hands on either side of Sirius’s face to pull him into a kiss that was a long time coming. Time stands still for them both, and they’re breathless when they pull away.

“I never could have guessed,” Remus laughs against his mouth. “I thought your present was going to be something normal, like-”

“Chocolate?” Sirius asks, shoving his hands in his pockets and pulling out two full handfuls of chocolate frogs.

Remus laughs and laughs, taking them out of his hands. The next time they kiss, sprawled out on one of the couches five minutes later, Remus could swear that the taste of chocolate has never been sweeter.

#wolfstar #sirius black #remus lupin #wolfstar microfic

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seungmoonandstars · 3 months

Text

𝐵𝓁𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝒟𝒶𝓉𝑒 𝒫𝒶𝓇𝓉 𝟧

Kim Seungmin/Female Reader

wc: 7.4k

rating: fluff/light angst/mature/explicit ಇ (contains: f/m receiving oral, pet names, Seungmin being sad)

comments: Blind Date part 5! Wish I could’ve thought of a better title. This is separated into pieces by month. All of the oneshots in my masterlist happened after these events. And since I tried following a strict timeline for the entire series (part 1 started in sept 2021), we are now in Feb 2023, the morning after Last Date.

⠂⠄⠄⠂⋆ ⠁⠂⠄⋆ ⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂⋆☽

February

The next morning you wake up warm and too well rested. You never wake up like this. There was no blaring alarm at 6:45, and no noisy upstairs neighbor while you tried to get to sleep.

No, none of that happened. You’re not there anymore. You breathe in the brand new scent of a brand new bed and finally focus your eyes on the spot in front of you. It’s empty, but you can tell he was there. The pillow isn’t fluffed, and if he tried to fix the blanket, you messed it up again in your sleep. He was here, though. And he’s still here. You can hear him right outside the door, walking down the little hallway.

And then it’s quiet when he reaches the kitchen.

You search for your phone and find it tucked beneath his pillow—10am. Seungmin sent a text twenty minutes ago…

good morning ☀️🤍

He’s too sweet to come force you out of bed on your first morning here.

One long shower later, you wrap yourself in the sweatshirt he left folded at the foot of the bed. You’re not sure if he left it there for you, but you’re taking it anyway…at least for now. And just as you walk for the door, you hear him again.

He’s humming something.

Now you remember what you were talking about right before you drifted off to sleep last night. You listen carefully as you get closer, and he gets louder, but then he hears you and stops for a second, starts again, and smiles at you.

“Morning,” you wrap your arms around him from behind and squeeze. “How long have you been up?”

Seungmin spins himself and hugs you back, “not long…maybe an hour.”

“What was that you were humming?”

“Oh…uh, it’s called Wish. I can sing it, if you’d like.”

He remembered. Maybe not until just now, but you’re glad that he did. As soon as you nod at him, he smiles and hums again—and very slowly, he starts to sing. You can tell he’s hiding himself a little, busying his hands with the coffee grinder and not making eye contact. He’s being shy, so you decide not to watch him too closely.

First, you walk toward one of the windows and pull the blinds back a little. Winter sunlight pours in and lights up the room. Seungmin looks back to see what you’re doing. You catch him and smile, and he smiles back. Then you open one of the moving boxes. This one goes to the kitchen, and you notice now that Seungmin has already emptied one of them. He specifically found the one with the coffee maker, the coffee, and everything that goes with it.

You sit on the arm of the couch and watch. He doesn’t realize it for a while, so you get to watch him work.

First he plugs in the grinder—he must have waited to do this part so he didn’t wake you, but he still waits while he sings. He pours in the beans and closes it, but doesn’t turn it on. Next he fills the coffee maker with water. He fumbles with it a little, so you wonder if he typically uses something a little more fancy.

The grinder turns on, and he looks back at you, and he stares for the few seconds it takes to finish and stop itself. Smiles. Turns and goes back to his task. Pops in a filter, pours in the coffee, turns it on.

“Thank you”

“For what?” He closes the distance between you and tucks himself between your open legs.

“Getting the coffee out, and making it. And singing for me.”

He leans in and kisses your forehead, “that’s my job. I’m going to get you a Nespresso machine, though.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I may have ordered it already.”

You pull him closer and push your face into his chest, “are they wondering where you are?”

“Probably. Not curious enough to ask, though. Or text.”

“Are you worried about it at all? Should I not be as worried as I am?”

Seungmin stands you up and holds you tight against him. Rubs your back, kisses your ear and works his way down to your neck. “You don’t have anything to worry about. But maybe this is why you had trouble sleeping.”

“Yeah, but I…I’ll try not to worry. I have you, that’s all that matters.”

“You have me. And we will have each other all day…what would you like to do?”

What would you like to do? There isn’t much the two of you can do—you have to stay inside, away from people and prying eyes, because if anything ruins this, you’ll have nobody again. You won’t have Seungmin.

But you’re perfectly satisfied spending the day with him here, looking at him, talking to him, touching and kissing him. Doing nothing. He already has the coffee going, so you’ll make breakfast and sit on the couch with him nestled between your legs. Maybe you’ll find something to watch together. Or you’ll just watch him play one of his games. He can tell you all about the last few weeks—the weeks that you’ve seen in so many photos and videos; ones that don’t tell the whole story.

“Nothing”

“Nothing?”

“I just wanna be here with you. What are you hungry for?”

“Hungry for? Hmm…” he grabs your hand, does a cute little spin—you watch his hair bounce up when he shakes it out of his face—and he sits on the couch. “What am I hungry for?”

The feeling of falling hits before you realize his hands are on you, and you do fall, very neatly into his lap. One arm squeezes you around the middle, and the other hand pulls at the collar of your shirt. The fabric is in the way of the kisses he traces along your shoulder, but he manages well. And he gives you goosebumps. You can feel every hair stand up, and the shiver that runs through you feels so loud in the quiet room.

“Min,” your lips tremble, “Minnie?”

“Yes love, is this okay?” Your knee is pulled back and your legs spread across his lap. But he doesn’t touch. His fingers knead gently into your soft inner thigh, slowly moving up, and then down.

You relax against his chest and nod.

“I’ve missed you,” his hand jumps up to your arm and does the same, “touching you…the way you touch me. I didn’t realize how much until after I left last month.” He sighs and pulls you, turns you on his lap until you’re chest to chest and straddling him. “You weren’t there. And I left you alone, and I felt…guilty.”

“No, don’t ever think that. I don’t want you to feel that way.”

“I know. I thought about it before, too. Before everything, after everything. And what would happen if things, you know, got serious.”

“We knew it would be like this, Minnie.”

“We did, I know.” Seungmin’s mouth twists and he sets his head back against the couch. “I was so worried about how you would deal with everything, I forgot about myself.”

“Oh, Seungmin…I thought about it.” You adjust yourself, sit up a little on his lap. “You always act so stoic, so I wasn’t sure if I should even worry. You’re tough to read sometimes.”

“I am, I’m sorry.” He looks at you again, eyes still glossy and big.

“No, I like trying to figure you out,” your fingers graze over his ears, tuck the loose hair behind them. They’re warm and pink like the flush of his cheeks. “I get a little more every time.”

“Not enough to scare you away yet?”

“Not even close”

The kiss you lean in for is so eagerly returned, you almost lose your balance. But Seungmin takes you by the waist and holds you tight.

“You sure?”

You yes into his mouth and push your tongue in. The coffee maker beeps loudly from the kitchen, but it doesn’t distract. Seungmin pulls you closer and grips your thighs, hard. It feels good. He pushes down until you’re on him—and his dick, still mostly soft, is growing against you.

His heart is racing. You can feel it when your hands move over his back, and you pull away to give him a moment to breathe.

He lays back and looks at you, and then looks down at where your hips meet. There’s a smile forming on his lips, but he’s biting them and making them even more swollen and red. You can’t read him, of course.

“Hey, look at me.” You touch under his chin with your knuckle until he lifts his gaze. His eyes give him away—he looks sad, but you don’t think he is. Worried, maybe. Hopefully not worried about some part of him you don’t know yet, and it being a part you won’t like.

“Hi,” he closes his eyes and lets the smile take over. Eventually his shiny, braceless teeth appear, and he relaxes. Sighs. Squeezes his fingers into your hips.

You lean down and kiss his jaw, and you can’t help but suck a little when you get to where his pulse is still beating wildly. Leaving a mark sounds…appropriate. He can cover it, of course, but knowing it will be there, and that you put it there—why not? You suck until you can nibble on the skin, until he makes a sound and moves his hips.

“That’s a little naughty,” it comes out like a laugh and a moan and a feeble attempt at a protest all at once. “Now they might get curious.”

It is. It’s a bit bold. You pull away and move to a new spot. “Are you good with your concealer?“

“I’m sure I can figure it out.” He laughs and his throat jumps under your lips. “Can I request?”

“Of course, what would you like?”

First his shirt comes off, and he grabs the back of your neck, gently guides you further down, then stops when your lips graze his nipple. You look up and his hand is covering his eyes and he can’t contain his smile.

You run your tongue over him, hard; kiss and suck him into your mouth as loudly and dramatically as possible. Then you move to the other side and do the same.

He’s red in the face.

“Don’t be shy, Min”

Seungmin looks down at you and squeezes your neck. And he whimpers when you do it all over again.

“…puppy”

His hips jump up into yours, “hmm…did you call me puppy?”

“Yeah, your eyes when you look at me like that,” you glance at the red mark forming on his neck, “puppy eyes,” you move to it again and kiss while your thumb circles his hard nipple, “my sweet pup…does it feel good?”

It does, and you know it. You can feel it in his little movements—his thighs shaking beneath you and his quick deep breaths. His eyes glaze over and he sinks into the couch as the blood rushes to his dick. And his sounds, so needy, coming from deep in his chest. But they’re soft. He breathes them right into your mouth when he grabs you for a kiss.

The time you’re apart from him is filled with cute texts and selfies, late night phone calls, Seungmin’s stories he tells you in a hushed voice in his hotel room—because the last few nights he has had to share the space. It makes up, to some extent, for when he’s not here and you can’t talk until one of you falls asleep; when you can’t make coffee and stare at him across the table the next morning.

When you finally come together, this is what will happen. You miss his touch, and (now you know how much) he misses yours. He’s shy about asking for new things, and all you want to do is give him exactly what he wants.

Your hands slide down his stomach, grab at the waistband of his sweats, and when your fingers graze over the hard tip of his cock, he groans.

“Yeah,” he finally answers when you pull away, “…so good.”

“Any other requests?” You dip down again and kiss across his chest, over his stiff, sensitive nipples.

"Uhmm…uh," he’s smiling and licking at the corner of his mouth—thinking. His brain seems to work a little better once you stop kissing.

“Mmm, yeah…maybe”

“Tell me”

Before he can get another word out, his phone buzzes. And then again. A few seconds later, it buzzes one more time. It sits there on the counter just a few feet away, innocent, but not really. You hate his phone when he’s here with you, because any notification could mean he’ll be on his way out.

He’s still looking at you when you pull your eyes away from it.

“I can grab it for you”

“I don’t want it”

“No?”

He shakes his head, “I want…mmm, I want you—” he pauses for a few seconds. One hand hangs from his neck, the other is kneading into your thigh, “to lie on your back.”

One more kiss, then you lift yourself from his lap, and do what he says. You make yourself comfortable; one leg hangs off the side, and the other slides down until the sole of your foot can rub his thigh. Seungmin doesn’t move yet, just sets his head back and looks at you…looks at you like he’s still a little unsure, and a little bit hungry.

As soon as he moves, your heart races and your legs start to shake. He turns himself and closes a hand around your ankle, and he holds tight before he slides his palm up your shin and to your knee. It’s forced back against the couch, and he puts himself right between your legs.

His lips are warm and wet on your thigh, but the hem of your shorts gets in the way, and he stops to grab them by the waist band.

“Minnie…”

He looks at you as he pulls them from your hips, and you watch his gaze move down.

“Min”

The air is cool against you, and you open your legs further without realizing it. Seungmin’s lips hit your other thigh and kiss, moving closer and closer…

You gently grab a handful of hair and tug until he looks at you, “Seungmin.”

“Yes?” His hand is so close to touching you, and his mouth isn’t much further away.

“You haven’t tried this yet…are you sure?”

“Mhm…yeah”

Maybe he’s a little clueless about what he’s doing down there, but his mouth closing around you, the temperature change, and his tongue sliding innocently over your swollen clit does what it needs to do. You move your elbows from under you and let your back hit the cushions.

He sucks hard, and the sound he makes when he releases you is so loud and dirty and satisfying, the little laugh you can’t contain turns into a sigh.

“You can tell me what I’m doing wrong.” You look down at him again, and he looks up, pokes his tongue out to lick his lips, “and what feels good.”

“That felt good”

He does it again, and then his tongue slides into your folds, and it’s not much, but it feels perfect. Every part of you is so sensitive, and the thought of him down there is really all it takes to set your nerves on fire. You roll your hips into him, and he pushes his mouth harder into you, moves it side to side, tongues your clit so delicately that you spread yourself open even more.

“Seungmin,” it comes out like a delirious giggle, it makes him laugh, and his mouth vibrates. You stutter when you start up again, “did you…ah…ooh.”

“Did I what?”

You don’t answer right away, because he doesn’t stop. He’s sucking again—his fingers circle your opening, you can feel how wet you are against them, and you desperately want him to slide them in, but he only teases.

“Did you research?” It comes out like a laugh and a moan, because he’s doing something very right down there. He’s a little erratic and his touch is light and careful, but it’s driving you crazy. It feels good.

“Maybe,” he smiles and kisses. “Am I doing okay?”

“Yeah, you are…don’t be shy, though. You don’t have to be so gentle.”

“Am I being too gentle?”

Seungmin is always gentle. It’s the only way he knows how to be. Even now, he’s staring up at you with his cheek nuzzled against your thigh. He’s been so careful with you every time you’ve been intimate, and you can’t wait to get him out of his shell.

“Mhm, but I like it,” you run your fingers through his hair and scratch, and he groans. "Keep doing what you think I'll like.''

One long hard lick from your opening to your clit, and then he’s back on you. He kisses back down and pushes his tongue in deep, lapping up every bit of arousal that he can. He moans and pulls you by the hips, and you wonder if he can even take a breath.

“Minnie,” you purr and squeeze his hand, and he grabs back to lace his fingers with yours, “aah yeah that’s so good…fuck.”

He keeps going, and his thumb slides over your clit and sparks go off behind your eyes.

The sound you make for him is so needy—you weren’t ready for how he was going to make you feel, but it’s just him. His touch and his sounds and his eagerness. It’s as if that year of built up frustration…that year of waiting for him, pours out of you every time he gets close. And it feels so good.

“Make me come”

His drawn out, dramatic mmmm sends a shiver through your thighs and up your spine. He’s working hard, and he’s so focused; two fingers reach deep inside of you, and the tip of his tongue moves softly. His lips close tight and suck. You’re overwhelmed with his touch now, and you need the slow rise of your orgasm to last forever.

But Seungmin gives it to you, and your moan echoes so loudly off the bare walls of the empty apartment.

His lips stay put, but his fingers slip out and move up until they reach his mouth. You can feel the heat from his tongue as it slips out to run over them

“Hey…” you nudge him with your leg, but he doesn’t move, doesn’t respond. “Seungmin, you okay down there?”

“Mhmm.” He’s there so suddenly, hovering, looking down at you with lusty eyes—even more hungry than they were before. “I am very okay”

“You work too hard, you know that?”

“Do I? I guess I should relax more while I’m here.”

Your legs catch and pull him down until you can grab for his waist. “Yeah, I wanna take care of you,” you kiss him once, “sit down…”

There’s something about the way he listens and obeys without question, and the way he looks at you when he does it. You like that look.

“Lay back and get comfortable. Do you want some coffee while I suck your dick?” You touch him, just to get a rise.

“Do I…uuh, do I want—“

“Iced?”

“Iced is good”

You watch him carefully when you get to the kitchen. His back is to you, but you can see his face when he does finally get comfortable against the pillow.

The clink of ice on glass brings him back from his daydream. He keeps his eyes closed, though, because the sun is a little too bright coming in now, but it doesn’t last—a few seconds later he hears the blinds being pulled closed, and now it’s dark.

One eye opens when he feels you climb back onto the couch, coffee in hand. The bittersweet smell hits him when you set the straw to his lips, and he takes a long, slow slip. Now he opens his eyes and grins at you.

“Is it good?”

Seungmin nods and grabs your sweatshirt when you reach over him to set it down.

This is new for him, too. You’ve done it before, very briefly during your first time together, and he remembers it very well, but you’ve never gotten yourself comfortable between his legs like this.

His head falls back when you touch. It’s just the palm of your hand moving softly up and down, and there’s still fabric separating you, but it feels so good. And he does relax, just like you want him to.

Your voice rings in his ears (“gotta get you hard again, love”). He still feels a little drunk from eating you out and making you come, because he wasn’t sure he could. And he thought he was going to come, too, but he somehow controlled himself. Now he’s softened up a bit—but just seeing you here, pulling at his shorts, stroking, leaning down to kiss and lick—he’s growing in your hand.

The warmth of your mouth warms his entire body. You pull every inch of him in, and when his head hits the back of your throat, he whines and bucks up.

“Sorry…sorry”

The feeling of your lips pulling up and off of him makes him do it again.

“It’s okay, you might not fit in a few seconds.”

“No?”

“Just wanted to go for it while I had the chance.”

“Are you still going to try?”

He can feel the hard pulse of blood rushing to where your hand is gripped tight, the other palm is gently cupping his balls, caressing them, “oh yeah, I’m gonna try,” and then your mouth is on them.

“Ah…that—" he sighs and lays back even more, trying not to disturb you while you work. The warm wet licks across his skin—Seungmin didn’t know he was that sensitive there, and that it would feel so intense, “wow.”

He hears and feels you giggle.

At the same time he’s trying not feel so self conscious. Maybe you felt the same when he had his face between your legs, but all Seungmin could think about down there was making you come, how horny your taste made him, how wet he was making you.

Now you’ve switched places, and he should know better anyway. His mind, heavy with pleasure as you explore him, still skips back to all of your previous times together—your first kiss, sweet and surprisingly intense. Seungmin wasn’t ready for it, and he wasn’t ready for the hard-on he tried, with great difficulty, to hide and calm down. Somehow, you did not notice. Or you didn’t say anything. And then you kissed him again, and again, and he never told you that was the first time someone really kissed him and meant it.

aah…mmm his hips buck again when you run your tongue up his shaft.

You’re taking your time with him, and he thinks you might be doing this more for your own pleasure than his. And that makes it even better.

The second date, when he somehow found the courage to kiss you himself—more than kiss you…he pulled you right on top of him. And then your hand found his erection, and he hoped for a moment, before he got nervous, that this would be his first time. He liked the idea of it being with you, even though you didn’t know each other well. But you liked him, and you didn’t hide it. You were exactly what he needed.

As soon as he scared you off, he so badly craved your touch again; your fingers running down what you obviously wanted.

“Minnie?”

He hears you, and he smiles at you, but it takes him a second to reply, “yeah…aegi.”

“You’re quiet, are you okay?”

“Perfect...don’t stop, you feel so good,” he sighs and reaches for your hand.

You grab his and slowly work him into your mouth, further and further back. The warm, wet feeling is familiar…but watching you swallow him and gaze up at him, it’s so much better in the moment. Seungmin whines when you suck hard and pull back, and bucks up when you push back in.

This time you take all of him, and when he feels the tight squeeze of your throat, he groans and grips your hand in a desperate attempt to keep his hips still. Now his mind is blank and buzzing, and all he can comprehend is you, and the hot radiating pleasure moving through his body.

In and out, so perfectly timed, his head is pushed down your throat—the tight stroke of your hand, your palm and fingers delicately massaging his balls. He could scream. His free hand fists the pillow under him, and he lets himself moan so loudly. He has to, otherwise he’ll lose control, push himself deeper and choke you.

You push him in even more, and now your lips are flush against his skin.

Every last inch is in your mouth, down your throat. It’s such a pretty sight. Your eyes water, and you hold onto his hips as you carefully, slowly pull him out. You leave a mess of spit, and your face is pink when you breathe in deep and cough, but you’re back to stroking him as you catch your breath.

Seungmin wipes at your lips with his thumb, and the look he gives you is full of worry, and concern. He doesn’t want you pushing yourself for him.

“I’m okay, Min”

“Are you…” his breath catches when you close your mouth over his head and lick, “…sure? Mm, yeah you’re good…fuck. Right there.”

“You like it like this?”

Your tongue circles his head, over and over, and he rolls his hips upward when it slides hard over his tip.

“Yeah just like that”

Seungmin lets himself relax again—back against the pillow, neck arching delicately over the arm of the couch. If you could see him like this, you’d tell him he looked like a painting; a statue, something too pretty to not be preserved. He stares up at the ceiling and lets himself get lost in the moment. His head swims. All he feels is you—the steady, hard stroke of your hand, and the pressure of your tongue on every perfectly sensitive nerve.

When he finally lifts his gaze to peek at you, you immediately look back, and your eyes lock. Neither of you seem to want to look away first, so Seungmin doesn’t. And you don’t. If anything, your stare intensifies as your hand and mouth work harder on him.

“Should I warn you?” he asks, and a shy laugh follows. “When I—“

You nod and pull him in again, not completely, but enough…a mouthful.

Seungmin is still holding out, but he can’t do it much longer, especially now that he’s looking down at you and watching every movement you make. It’s an overwhelming feeling.

The last time the two of you had sex, it was so intimate, and it was slow, and he almost doubted you for the briefest moment beforehand. But then you told him you loved him, and he was so relieved you stopped his mouth from saying anything stupid in that moment. Or not saying anything at all, because he just can’t get the words out even if he feels it.

But he is thinking and feeling it now as he watches you. And he feels himself getting there, and he can’t hold it back any longer.

“I’m gonna come…I’m gonna come”

He lets go and you hold him tight, work your mouth gently up and down as he empties himself for you—swallow, lighten your touch, kiss across his head. His hips relax again, and you move your mouth to the softest part of his thigh.

He just watches you kiss up his hip and stomach, and he wonders how long you’ll take to get to his lips, because that’s where he wants you. Until you get to his nipple. Now Seungmin hopes you’ll stay there a little longer, and you do. He’s even more sensitive than he was before, and you feel the goosebumps that jump up all over him.

“Now what?” he asks just as press your lips to his.

“We eat lunch. I’m so hungry.”

｡˚☽˚｡⋆

Every hour you get with him is special, and you take care to remember that whenever he’s here with you. This time it was four. Four perfect hours. Seungmin continued to ignore his phone when, eventually, you both got yourselves off of the couch.

He made you coffee, and he finished the one you made for him.

You ordered and ate lunch, helped him do his laundry and playfully scrutinized his folding techniques. And then you helped him pack.

It’s in the middle of this that he finally checks his notifications, and he takes his time doing it. You watch closely as his eyes move up and down the screen, and then he types and waits for another message to come through.

“Did you get everything you need?”

You just need to break the silence. There’s not much here that belongs to him...not yet at least.

Seungmin leans in to kiss your cheek, “yeah, I think so. My ride is on the way.”

“Oh…we should get you zipped up and ready to go.”

“We should?”

“No,” you stand and hold your hands out for him. “Maybe.”

His phone buzzes in his pocket as you head for the front door. He doesn’t check it—instead he drops his bag and works on getting into his shoes. “I think he’s here,” he checks after a second buzz, picks up his bag again, then sets it back down when he looks at you, “come here.”

You’re already halfway to him when he says it, and you squeeze the air out of his lungs

“Be safe, and don’t forget about me”

“Forget about you? I won’t if you remember to text me all day.”

“I don’t wanna bother you too much”

“I better have a text waiting for me every night when I get off the stage…no, a voice message. Both.” His hands rub in big circles over your back and shoulders.

Another buzz from his pocket.

His arms slip away, but he goes in for a kiss, and Seungmin lets you hold him there for as long as you want. You grab his hand and hold it as he unlatches the locks, squeeze tighter when he turns the knob and clicks the door free.

“I’ll see you soon”

“Seungmin?”

You stare at him, and one by one your fingers begin to unhook until only your middle fingers remain. The words just don’t want to come out. Even as you repeat them over in your head, when you open your mouth, it’s only air.

His other hand tickles beneath your chin, almost like he's coaxing it out of you. "You alright?"

"Yeah”

“Yeah?”

“I love you”

His mouth opens, but nothing comes out. A blush rises up his neck, and you can see his vein jump. But he still doesn’t say anything.

“I…uhm-“

Seungmin pulls you against him, and his hands are all over you again, moving gently over your back, down, until one sneaks under your shirt. He presses his warm palm against your skin and keeps it there.

“—I miss you already”

Still no reply, just a soft, sweet laugh against your ear. He pulls back and places a wet kiss on your forehead, then his bag is over his shoulder and his hand is on the doorknob again.

“I’ll call you as soon as we land, I promise”

｡˚☽˚｡⋆

March

｡˚☽˚｡⋆

May

“I know you’ve been busy, you don’t have to explain yourself,” you can barely hear him grumbling, “and don’t apologize.”

“Please”

Both of you are silent, but there’s still commotion on Seungmin’s end. Endless voices, an intercom, kids screaming. He’s at an airport somewhere.

“Okay, you can do it once. Only once.”

“I’m sorry I’m sorry…I won’t see you for a few more days.”

“It’s alright, Minnie. I’ll be at work, I’ll have plenty to keep me busy, I promise.”

“I’ll make it up to you, somehow. Is there anything I can bring home for you? I’ll find you something anyway.”

“No, I don’t need anything. Just you and your dirty laundry.”

Seungmin laughs, and that’s enough of a gift. You hear one of the others teasing him, but you can’t tell who it is, and he laughs again, tells them to stop being nosy. You figured one of the others knew about you, and that confirmed it.

“Give meeee…” he thinks and hums, “three days. How does that sound?”

“Tuesday? Okay I’ll see you a Tuesday.”

He sighs and fumbles with his things, and it sounds like he almost drops his phone, “you’ll be at work.”

The worry and uneasiness in his voice is too much, but you know now matter what you say, he’ll feel bad—he’ll feel guilty.

“Just tell me when, and I’ll be there to greet you.”

｡˚☽˚｡⋆

June

“We’re okay, right?” Seungmin is standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. His back is to you, but you still hear his soft voice. It almost sounds like he's not talking to you, like he's speaking to someone else in front of him, like he doesn't really want you to hear.

And you’re not sure why he would even ask you that, because as far as you know, yeah, you’re okay. The two of you are the same as you've ever been. He just got home a few hours ago, though, and he’s been a little quieter than usual.

“I think so,” you watch him carefully, but he doesn’t move from his spot. “I mean…I’m okay. Are you okay, Min?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Anything you wanna talk about?”

From where you’re sitting, you can see him slowly shake his head, slump his shoulders a little, and drink his coffee. He’s tired, and he needs to sleep. Maybe talking can wait until after he’s gotten some rest.

“Come sit with me. Please.”

He rubs at his neck and turns to face you, and he looks…off. He didn’t look quite like that this morning when he came through the door. And he still isn’t getting any closer to you.

“Baby, what’s the matter?”

Finally he starts toward you, but he doesn’t look happy about it. His head falls back and you can see him scrunch his nose at the air, “I’m okay.” He sits down next to you and sinks back into the couch.

“Maybe you should get some sleep.”

“I’m not tired.”

His voice is still soft, but he says it quickly and with no thought. He sounds annoyed, and you’re not sure how to take it, or reply. He’s been gone for a while—either away or just so busy that he couldn’t get away to even see you. You haven’t seen him face to face since the 23rd of May, and you only spent the night together—he’s been spending every night for the last few weeks at his dorm.

And he is tired. He can tell you whatever he wants, but you know him well enough to hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. They’re in the middle of a comeback, so you’re actually surprised he showed up this morning, unannounced.

“Okay, okay I’m sorry.”

He looks at you, eyes heavy. It feels like he’s looking right through you and at the wall. For the first time, you’re unsure about leaning forward and kissing him, or grabbing his hand.

The quiet between you continues, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break. Seungmin closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath, sinks even further into the couch. You sit back on the other end and try not to look at him. Instead, you look at your phone. Stare blankly at it. There’s nothing there you want to see. You have him here with you, and he’s the only thing you want.

The last time you sat together here on the couch, he was cuddled on top of you, unable to sleep, but trying to relax. Humming happily against your chest, rubbing his hand over your arm. You think back to greeting him at the door this morning—he kissed you on the lips, pecked you on the cheek, then disappeared into the bedroom with his things.

The sinking feeling in your stomach gets even worse.

His eyes are still closed, at least. When you rise from your spot on the couch and head for the kitchen, he does exactly what you hope he does—it only takes a few minutes until he folds himself up and gets comfortable. And you know when he’s fast asleep, you can see it in the way his body rises and falls so steadily with his breath, and how his fingers twitch every so often.

Now you just have to hope everything is okay when he wakes up.

｡˚☽˚｡⋆

"Hey...hi."

Seungmin is peeking around through the crack in the bedroom door. You closed yourself in there so the living room would be silent for him. And you know when he finally woke he was groggy, confused by the dark, and by the quiet. There are so many windows in there, but you made sure to pull every curtain shut tight.

"Can I come in?" His voice is still small.

You give him a nod, and he immediately steps in and pushes the door most of the way closed. A half finished water bottle swings from his hand, his bare feet shuffle a little on the carpet. He seems to be avoiding your gaze as he makes his way to his side of the bed. Carefully, he climbs on—trying not to disturb the papers you have strewn around—curls up into a ball like he did on the couch, and even though it's warm, he gets all the way under the blanket.

"You wanna talk yet? We don't have to…but...“

You told each other you’d always talk and be open, even on the bad days. Especially on the bad days. Seungmin is having one (or several) of those, and he’s obviously struggling. He has spoken to you openly about his feelings before, so you know he’s capable. You just wonder if he will this time.

“I’m your person, remember? You can give me some of what you’re feeling. Whatever is going on in here…” You set your palm on his forehead, run your fingers through his hair. He relaxes, but still doesn’t talk or move as you gather up your things, set them aside, and get under the covers with him. There’s a moment of hesitation and a little jump in your stomach, but eventually you reach for and grab his hand. He doesn’t pull away, and you’re relieved when he squeezes his fingers around yours. “You can tell me.”

“Mm…I’m not sure.”

“Not sure what’s going on in here?” You rub his temple and a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “That’s okay.”

“I do…but I don’t.”

“Is it work?”

“Sometimes.” He looks at you. “You’re right, I’m very tired. I’m sorry.”

“Is it just that… just worn out? It seems like more.”

Seungmin squeezes your fingers again. “We have been doing so much, I have been…I don’t feel like I’m doing my best.”

Being hard on himself is not new, to him or to you. But he’s usually able to see through it and pull himself up, keep going, push forward.

Everything lately, and you’ve kept up with every single comeback moment, performance, interview, etc…has been exhausting as a spectator. You can’t imagine being him. You can’t put yourself in his place. The amount of eyes on him, and the criticism—you could never handle it.

“Oh, pup…I wish I could make those feelings go away. You do so well, all the time.”

He moves closer to you, puts your arm around his waist. You squeeze him until he finds a good spot and nuzzles against you, but he’s still tense.

“I know I’m biased and you might not believe me, but I watch you all the time. Only you. And you’ve been amazing every single day. Did you go back and listen to yourself singing Laundry?”

He nods against you, hums a little mhm.

“You sounded beautiful. And you looked like a prince.”

“I do believe that you’re biased,” Seungmin laughs a little into your neck, “I’m glad you think I did well, thank you.”

“It’s not an opinion, Minnie. It’s the truth. And I know there’s more. You’re always hard on yourself, but you’ve never come home like this.”

Seungmin squeezes himself even harder against you—face in your neck, legs twisted with yours, air being forced out of your lungs by his grip. He groans loudly as he softens his hold.

“Why did you ask if we were okay earlier?”

He goes right back into your neck and sighs.

“…Seungmin.”

Another muffled sigh, a groan. “I’m just being stupid.”

“You’re not being stupid if something is upsetting you.”

“My sister accidentally told an old school friend of mine about us. She didn’t believe her, she said this would be worse than a long distance relationship, and something like this is silly and would never last.”

“Silly?” You take him by his shoulders and force him out. You need to look at him. “Us?”

Seungmin nods and looks anywhere but at you. “She said it’s just a matter of time before you lose interest in me. We spend too much time apart, and it’s not normal.” He pulls the covers up to his chin and pushes himself down. Now all you can see is his eyes, his forehead, and his blond hair spread across the pillow. “I ignored it, but then I didn’t hear from you yesterday, or the day before so I started thinking about it too much. And we haven’t seen each other at all lately, I’m so exhausted, and I feel like I’m not doing well enough. I’m not a good boyfriend.”

“Oh…” his words, no matter how softly he speaks, knock the wind out of you. You think back to yesterday, the text you typed and didn’t see sitting in the message box, unsent, until very late last night. And the day before…you were at work for twelve hours, but figured Seungmin was so busy anyway. “Oh, Min…I’m so sorry I didn’t text you. But none of that is true.”

The room feels warmer, but it’s not. You’re just angry at yourself for leaving him on read. You push the covers away from both of you and plant kisses all over his face, “I love you more every time I see you, or hear your voice,” you move your lips gently over his ear, making him giggle, “even if I’m an idiot and forget to send a text.”

“I was starting to think I was away too long.”

“You have been gone too long, and I’ve missed you, but you’re gonna have to do a lot more than that. I haven’t forgotten how long I went without you after we first met.”

Seungmin covers his face with both hands, but his hesitant smile is peeking out beneath it. He runs a hand through his hair, flips onto his back, and kicks the blankets away. “Don’t remind me.”

“Don’t ever say you’re not good enough.”

The look on his face is still unsure. He’s staring up at the wall, blinking slowly. Lost in thought, maybe.

“I think we’ve done pretty okay so far.”

“I know you could find someone to be with you every day if you wanted, and you deserve that.”

You reach out and grab his hand again, “finding someone isn’t easy, and finding someone like you is…impossible. I’d take this over any of my past together-every-day relationships.”

Seungmin looks you up and down, settles his gaze on your face, and rolls over until he’s hanging over you, “yeah?”

“That didn’t make the relationship good. You make this good.”

Lips graze your cheek—he kisses softly down to your jaw, and across your neck, “good,” he sighs when your fingers run through his hair, and he collapses onto you. He mumbles something into your neck.

“Hm?”

“Did you call me…pup?” He’s smiling fully for the first time all day, beaming at you. A completely different person from earlier.

"Yeah, I've never called you that before? I’m pretty sure I have”

"I don't remember, but I like it.”

｡˚☽˚｡⋆

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discluded · 1 year

Text

MileApo and the rise of Thai soft power

Mile and Apo talking about the Thai period film at the Vogue Thailand Gala on 2022/9/21

I've been meaning to sit down and write about this for a while now, ever since I saw the pattern of Mile and Apo injecting it into their talking points about the 2023 historical film, but it's taken some an effort to actually lay it out. Hopefully the time I sat with it will make the it a more insightful, rich reading experience.

Disclaimers:

(1) I have no formal experience in international relations aside from reading and watching the news, but my strong point is research. Folks with a more formal backgrounds in policsci or IR are welcome to add their input!

(2) Comments about policies or political actions of nations, whether positive, neutral or negative, are not meant to reflect on private individuals of the nationality, even those with a notable amount of social-cultural capital. Private individuals, despite their positions of social influence, most often have little to no individual influence on a policy level**.

So without further ado:

What is soft power? (aka soft power for dummies)

Joseph Nye, a then-Harvard professor, coined the term soft power in the 1980s/early 90s. He described it as:

“A country’s ability to influence the preferences and behaviors of various actors in the international arena (states, corporations, communities, publics etc.) through attraction or persuasion rather than coercion.”

In his book Bound to Lead, Nye established that three prongs of a country's soft power were its culture, its political values, and its policies. Here are two different graphics that further break down what those look like when evaluating soft power in practice.

If you feel like all the above is still vague to the point of unparsable in an applied context, I spent the majority of the time researching how to demystify the term especially in the way MileApo discuss it, and found this great explainer:

A strong nation brand and positive soft power perceptions allow a nation to promote itself as a place for people to visit, invest in, and build a reputation for their quality of goods and services. [...] it is often overlooked that a strong nation brand and soft power can deliver better outcomes at home. Primarily it encourages domestic tourism, the consumption of domestic goods and services (rather than imports). Less tangibly it also just makes people feel better about their country.

Expressed in this context, soft power can be understood as the act of building trust in the cultural products of a nation domestically -- some more abstract in the form of art (music, film) and culture, some more concrete like products including fashion and beauty -- in a manner to appeal to its own citizens while also broadening the appeal of cultural goods abroad in a which can drive international tourism, trade, and commerce.

In other words: yes, our collective desire to actually taste Farmhouse bread.

The Thai government and the push for soft power

While my interest in this topic was originally piqued by MileApo's comments, soft power policy has to originate at the government level. Note again that Nye's definition of soft power is centered around "a country’s ability to influence", therefore soft power policy must always formally be expressed nationally.

Around the time MileApo consistently began promoting soft power in alignment with the period film, I noticed a slew of references in Bangkok Post, one of the reputable English online publications based in Thailand.

Back tracking through some of the articles as a reflection of national conversation, since 2020, there has been a consistent theme in terms of what the government is attempting and how well it's going (or not going):

On Thailand's soft power and positioning in the world, Feb 2020:

According to Kitti Prasirtsuk of Thammasat University, who has carried out extensive research into Thailand's branding and repositioning in the age of interconnectedness and social media, Thailand and its culture, values and foreign policy have charisma and high persuasive power which can attract admiration and cooperation. But the Thai people and bureaucrats must change their mindset and perceptions and appreciate their country in real terms first before they take up new challenges.

Within Asean, Thailand is behind Singapore as No.1 [among SE Asian soft power rankings]. The report stated that Thailand has the potential to rise into the top 30 in the world, if the country can strike the right political balance between the rural poor and urban elite. It went on to say that Thailand's weaknesses are problems related to corruption and inequality. It also said that the Thai government is failing to showcase the full potential of Thailand's rich cultural offerings beyond tourism. One more weak link is its poor performance in public diplomacy and digital infrastructure.

(Mile, Apo, and Bible all attended Thammasat University, which is considered one of the premiere universities in Thailand. Apo later transferred and graduated from a different university.)

On Milli, a Thai rapper who performed at Coachella in Spring 2022:

The presence of the 19-year-old rapper Milli at the Coachella Music Festival in the United States has reinvigorated Thailand's soft power ambitions -- an area the Thai government has not fully explored nor exploited. Milli, whose real name is Danupha Khanatheerakul, is the first solo Thai artist to perform at Coachella, a music festival that draws tens of thousands of fans annually.

[Milli's prescence at Coachella] was able to advance Thailand's soft power [in ways previously stalled]. It is not that the government is clueless about "soft power". For decades, governments have focused on presenting Thailand's soft power to the world. However, that iteration of "soft power" mainly consisted of Thai customs and traditions such as food, costume, classical dance, Buddhism rituals and the wai. These aspects of our cultural heritage, despite being charming to foreign tourists, are not sufficient to catapult Thailand's into a stronger position in the global market. Thai cultural heritage has failed to catch up in the digital age…

Milli's song also includes ideas relevant to international audiences. One of her songs openly discusses sexual consent. Being relevant is one of the keys to increasing the nation's presence among diverse populations. The cultural impact made by a young girl like Milli should make the government rethink its cultural promotion strategy. More support is needed for progressive Thai artists and innovators.

An opinion rebuttable on Milli's performance and the government's blundering of reaching for soft power while not meeting basic domestic requirements:

One of the minister's advisers belted out a long speech that did not seem to address how Thailand will become a "soft power" but used the term multiple times. One can't help but wonder if the ministry knows what it is doing, or what the so-called "soft power" it is espousing is about.

Milli's self-taunting line "I don't ride an elephant" may sound a bit old but her rapping about how "the country is good, people are good, our food is good but the government is bood," seems to have struck a chord. "Bood" means rotten in Thai. It is thus understandable if the government was not too coherent when discussing anything about the phenomenon that Milli created. Indeed, [Thailand's Prime Minister] Gen Prayut should feel awkward discussing the "soft power" of Milli and mango sticky rice when he filed a defamation charge against the teen rapper himself back in June last year.

Talented as Milli is, and extraordinary her achievements both locally and at one of the world's most famous music festivals have been, the teenage rapper really has nothing to do with so-called "soft power" which government figures are talking about. Her success is largely individual. Milli created a sensation and a craze. For Thailand's "soft power" to be built, let alone recognised globally, it takes more than one successful artist…

The whole product must be good if it is to exert influence. As experts argued, it takes a wide range of qualities for a country to say it has "soft power". These include the quality of its political institutions, education, digital development, innovation, cultural appeal, strength in arts or business brands. That is why it is odd for everyone to talk about Thailand's "soft power" now when we don't seem to have ticked any of the basic requirements.

On Bangkok International Fashion Week (BIFW):

BIFW2022 has been [a] major and continuing mission to promote and drive Thai fashion to international levels. The event strategically aligns with the government’s strategy to empower Thai fashion industry as fashion is one of the most influential soft power that stimulate economic growth.

Note that multiple actors in BOC walked BIFW2022 in September, as well as multiple actors from other Thai BL shows that aired in 2022.

On the increasing popularity of Thai BL:

Thai BL is now popular across Southeast and East Asia[, and] has been gaining traction in Japan, the home of BL, since 2020. Posters of famous khu jin were put up in a train station. Magazines that cover Thai drama, including BL, are rolled out for the Japanese audience. The Tourism Authority of Thailand has launched a Twitter account that uses BL to engage Japanese consumers. They are conducting research on these issues in the context of soft power.

Yes you read that correctly. No joke, BL as a facet of Thai soft power is so prevalent now that the government is literally tracking its popularity and Twitter conversation around the topic.

So what does this all mean?

Thailand is a country within Asia and internationally that has a lot of appeal as a tourism destination. However, with many competitor alternatives in both entertainment (particularly film and music) and beauty/fashion, which are major drivers soft power within Asia and internationally, and domestic dissidence of policy and politicians due to social conditions, Thai cultural power is not as prominent as it could be and also suffers at the international level.

While there is appeal of specific Thai cultural products internationally (such as Milli at Coachella or in the case of Kinnporsche the Series) the government has failed to activate these prominent media products as part of a cohesive soft power strategy.

However, the government does seem aware of the potential, specifically in the realm of BL. Thailand has always maintained an image of being LGBTQ-friendly among all the Asian countries, and may now be looking to push LGBTQ-aligned media (BL and GL dramas) specifically as part of its soft power strategy to increase pop culture and media appeal.

MileApo on Soft Power

Part of the reason my ears perked up at MileApo's consistent talking point of soft power is again, because even without a polisci background, I'm aware that soft power is expressed at the country policy level. Thus when both of them started specifically using the term to discuss the film in pre-production phase, it got my brain gears turning.

Mile talking about the film on 2022/9/24 at the D7 Grand Opening (vid/txt)

"Nong Po will act with Hia Mile -- please look forward to this movie next year, please look forward to that a lot. We want to expand Thai culture and soft power..." Apo on the Thai period movie at the KPWT Send off on 2022/9/11

Mile Phakphum's speech on Mother's Day in Kalasin, 2022/8/5

Here's what we do know. Apo's dance training for the film is with a teacher affiliated with the academy that also produces dancers who specifically entertain the royal court.

And here is what they individually said in the Vogue Thailand print interview (completed in late August 2022, published October 2022)

And I would be remiss and dishonest to not point out that Mile's family is prominent in Thailand and his mother is part of the Queen's inner circle. Keep in mind that Thailand is a constitutional monarchy where the monarch has limited powers in practice (think: Japan or UK), and Thailand has a history of cyclical political instability that does not displace the monarchy. So believe him when he says he has limited power compared to Kinn. He travels on a private citizen's passport like all the rest of the cast. (Though my eyes start watering when I'm thinking about baby chaebol CEO Mile and destiny.*)

That being said, what these connections likely did get the production team was access to cultural resources such as the dance expert and most likely credentialed historians to consult on the period film. I would surprised if there aren't ministers' offices who are in the loop about film's production in a way they would not pay to other film or show production teams. I'm sure we will find out more about the interesting and important people involved in the production process around the time the film is released.

Another aspect that stood out to me is the fact that Mile and Apo, neither of whom have policy backgrounds, started iterating the discussion point of soft power in a way you don't see Milli, or Mew Suppassit (who let's not forget was also a RSIFF invitee and the first Thai artist to break into the Billboard World Song Chart), talk about it. Mew actually has talked about soft power a couple of times, but only in the context that he is part of a cultural wave that can increase Thailand's influence globally and never specifically in relation to a project he is promoting. That speaks a lot to the team behind the scenes involved in the writing and consulting (and marketing) process of the 2023 historical film.

The timeline of when these comments popped up is also interesting. While they do coincide with the release of the trailer post KPWT Bangkok, most likely what's happening during this time period is that BOC and more specifically Mile is shopping for sponsors to the project.

Think about Mile speaking about Thailand soft power to an audience of mostly older businesspeople at the mother's day event -- what would the purpose be except an ask for partnership on a project that he is on, which can become a vehicle for Thai products both domestically and globally? Look at the timing of the announcement of the Srichand partnership (end of August), and how successfully that broken the brand into the lucrative Chinese market, moving millions of THB worth of product for a brand that had struggled to get any traction previously. While Srichand's focus is currently on China, working with a Thai beauty brand for a film where the trailer highlighted many historical makeup elements is an actually ideal brand partnership and project alignment.

(Sadly for us, I don't think the film will be the second longest bread commercial in existence. But based on the Farmhouse CEO's comments, I would be unsurprised if they signed on to support the film project too. Ancient Thai bread I guess *jazz hands*)

In Conclusion

MileApo's soft power talking point was an intentional move specifically to shop the film project around for sponsors. The Srichand partnership proved MA-as-a-brand's ability to move product in a lucrative, hard-to-crack foreign market, though Srichand (and Giffarine) as brands aren't necessarily able to stand in the market independently as of yet. Their past brand partnerships' success simultaneously showed how lucrative it is to book MA for a product domestically. I'm sure we'll see a slew of new interesting sponsors and brand partnerships this year. This is only the beginning of MA's power as a cultural brand domestically and internationally.

Mile and Apo have also expressed their pride in the past in being cultural ambassadors of Thailand, both at the RSIFF and when speaking about engaging tourists who are visiting Thailand. Their praise of Thai products (for example, the artistry of Thai silk in the Vogue Th Gala interview) and their active choice to work with mostly Thai brands speaks to their values as businessmen who genuinely want to uplift Thailand's influence in the global market.

That being said, the Thai cultural ministry cannot rely on a single cultural emissary to advance its soft power agenda globally, and as of right now, despite ...some attempts, a cohesive government strategy around soft power does not exist.

MileApo have demostrated their brand has strong impact, and that they can influence purchase behavior internationally (e.g., KPWT ticket sales, Srichand) in ways many Thai media figures have not been able to as of yet. But they are not formally tied to the Thai government, nor should the government intervene and attempt to direct artistic expression.

Culture is one aspect of soft power, and political/humanitarian expression is another major component that advances an international soft power agenda. There are already articles discussing Thailand's problems of political corruption and self/journalistic censorship due to political conditions that prevent full freedom of expression. But that's the government's problem to address that. There is a lot of unharvested potential in multiple realms.

This essay is not about that though. I'm just a fan.

Can it be December 2023 yet 🥺

Additional notes that don't fit into the essay under the cut:

(1) There was a lot of fandom hand-wringing in August and September about Apo publicly having working dinners with Pond over the film project. Let's not forget Mile is someone who cares deeply about the art he makes, and he and Apo both have said multiple times they talk almost nightly about their artistic intent. If Mile talks to Apo and Apo was talking to Pond, why would Mile, a person who cares deeply about art, not be talking to Pond in pre-production? Obviously the answer is a division of labor in the relationship: Mile was working on funding which is just as important, and Mile also needs to sleep and rest and not work. There wouldn't be anyone else he would trust to convey his artistic intent to the director except for Apo. True power couple behavior right there.

(2) * everyday I go feral over baby chaebol CEO Mile. If someone made a kdrama about a handsome chaebol baby who was a CEO but also an actor and model who met his soulmate in university but it was a missed connection and then the soulmate went on to become a famous actor/model who quit because of bullying, but then they met again when the baby chaebol WHO IS STILL A CEO BUT ALSO AN ACTOR met at an audition for a drama... *foams at mouth* I would call this show bizarre, nonsensical and incoherent, and yet HERE WE ARE IN REAL LIFE. The jetsetting supermodel with wealthy CEO part of reality which is now bending around MileApo so they can live their wattpad fanfic life. What the hell am I looking at, I ask myself every day.

(3) ** this statement does not include billionaires like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos whose net worth exceeds those of small and mid-sized countries. Per today's estimate, ~50 people/families have more wealth than 90 of 190 countries. If your net worth can run the economy of half the countries in the world, then your wealth/resources hoarding behavior can control what the media says and influence otherwise free and fair elections.

Once again, Some of you need some contextualization of how comfortably wealthy vs. billionaire resource-hoarding rich looks like.

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thebiggerbear · 2 months

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i need your hand but i don't want to burn it part 1 - Beau Arlen x Reader

A/N: Not going to lie, this past month has been a tough one for me. I recently lost someone and it just sucked all of the energy out of me for writing or anything else. I started this back on Feb 16th, within hours of receiving the news, because I was trying to process it as well as my feelings on it all. Beau was in my mind from the very beginning because like I mentioned before, I literally had the thought "Man, I could go for a Beau hug right about now." So this took form and even though I was blocked on everything else, this became a sort of tool of processing for me. I was going to keep this just for myself because I found it to be deeply personal, but then I thought, well, what if someone out there is also currently grieving someone they lost and a little Beau comfort might make them feel better, too? Even in this scenario? So that's why I'm sharing it.

While it is personal what I go into, I changed up things to keep it fictional and sort of tell a story. So the characters and dynamics are fictional, just not the feelings of the reader and the emotional journey/grieving process she goes through if that makes sense.

Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. I attempted the graphics.

Please do not do any of the above. Thank you for your understanding.

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Song that randomly came out of nowhere and strangely worked was "broken" by Jonah Kagen. The lyrics just really hit home for me.

Warnings: mention of death; death notification

Word Count: 8587

Beau taglist: @deans-spinster-witch; @birdiellie; @heartlessdelusions; @nancymcl; @illicithallways; @muhahaha303

It was a bright, sunny day when you got the news. The sky was this unimaginable shade of blue, not a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was a comfortable one. You were on the job and the slight breeze ruffled through your hair when you saw that your aunt was calling you. A knot immediately formed in your stomach; if she was calling you, that couldn’t be good. And sure enough, it wasn’t.

“She’s gone,” she informed you matter-of-factly.

It took a moment for your brain to catch up to what she was telling you. “What?”

“She’s gone, Y/N. Happened this morning.” Again, her tone was bland, as if she was simply telling you a package had been delivered to your home.

“How?” Your mind felt as if it was running in circles but also slowing down at the same time.

Poppernak’s head snapped in your direction but you immediately walked away from the scene. You didn’t notice the deputy watch after you and then head in Hoyt’s direction.

“Stroke.” Your aunt was only willing to give you one word but that one word changed your entire world. It altered the landscape of your universe in a big way.

You nodded, forgetting that the woman couldn’t see you, and you felt a lump start to form in your throat. You forced your gaze onto some trees ahead and mentally told yourself that you would not cry. “Oh,” you choked out. So much for not allowing any emotion to bleed through.

“Yep.”

Once again, very bland, almost dry. You weren’t surprised, though. It had always been like this between you. “Um…did they say when the services will—”

“Nothing’s set in stone yet but the information will be on the obituary online. It’ll probably tell people who can’t make it where to send flowers.” And just like that, the digs began.

You ignored her attitude and quietly cleared your throat. “Okay,” you attempted to smooth over. “I’m so sorry, Aunt Ida. If there’s anything you need, please call m—”

“Oh, I’ll call you, don’t you worry. But right now, as it stands, we’re good. I have to get going. I still have to get to the funeral home and make all the arrangements. I’ll be talking to you soon.” Before you could say goodbye, she hung up.

You let out a heavy sigh before lowering your phone from your ear. You focused on the trees once more, pushing any thoughts away and stuffing your emotions back down. When you felt confident enough that you wouldn’t break, you turned to find Hoyt and Poppernak watching you worriedly from near the crime scene tape. You sighed once more and then began your walk over to answer the burning questions they appeared to have.

You were driving back home on autopilot, lost in a sea of memories that forced a single tear out onto your cheek every now and then, prompting you to wipe each one away quickly. Your phone began to ring and as you expected, Beau’s name popped up. Well, that had to be some kind of record for Hoyt. Though, you supposed in these circumstances, you couldn’t blame her and you could appreciate her difficult position. She was only supposed to call Beau if there was an emergency but if she didn’t let him know that she sent you home for the rest of the day after receiving the news of a loved one’s passing, then she’d most likely be in hot water. In trouble with you or in trouble with Beau? It wasn’t hard to see why she made the choice she did.

Beau was on vacation and you hated for that to be interrupted, especially due to this. He worked his ass off every single day and he deserved this time. He had offered to take Cassie and Kai fishing and camping, after the date passed that the two were supposed to have gone with her dad who had been killed. Kai was excited and Cassie was grateful when Beau made the offer. You and Hoyt were happy for them. Beau had even tried to entice Emily to fly up for a visit and go with them, but Carla put a quick stop to that with the mention of school and it being Emily’s senior year. To say Beau had been disappointed was a massive understatement.

And now, he was most likely spending his time worrying about you alongside teaching Kai how to catch trout and attempting to keep Cassie laughing and her spirits high. You almost didn’t answer, because you didn’t want to be one more thing he had to worry about and also because you didn’t feel like talking, but in the end you did. To reassure him if for nothing else.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he greeted back, sounding worried just like you had predicted. “You okay?”

You briefly closed your eyes in annoyance at Hoyt. Despite your initial understanding, this really wasn’t something she needed to call him about. Someone else, yes, but for you, no. “Yeah, I’m okay,” you reassured him. “Hoyt just thought it best that I take the rest of the day, clear my head, and come back fresh tomorrow. That’s all.”

A moment of quiet passed between you as he likely mulled over your answer. Accepting it, he then offered, “Do you need anything?”

You cleared your throat to keep the lump at bay. “Nope. Thanks, though.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, who passed?”

You pressed your lips together, not really wanting to answer, but he’d find out eventually. “My grandmother.”

Sure enough, his tone softened. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.” He knew how deeply this one would cut.

You swallowed past the lump again and forced out quietly, “Thanks, but it’s fine. It was expected at some point, you know?”

“Yeah. Doesn’t make it any easier though, does it?” Beau lost his parents back when you had worked together in Houston. His dad had passed unexpectedly due to a heart attack. Everyone had been shocked, of course, but it hit Beau’s mom the hardest. It wasn’t too long after that when she started developing her own health issues and began declining. Beau’s father had only been gone for a year and a half when he lost his mom as well. You and your unit were there for him, giving him your unending support, and half of the department had showed up to the funeral, just as they had the senior Mr. Arlen’s. Not only was Beau well liked and respected but his family were no strangers to law enforcement; his dad had served on the force for decades before he finally retired.

What you were feeling now in no way rivaled the loss he had endured back then. He not only had lost a parent, but he lost both in a short time frame. You couldn’t imagine how you would be feeling had that been you. You doubted you would be able to stand up much less continue to function day to day like he had. You wished you could borrow some of his strength, something you could use right about now.

“True.”

Another moment of quiet filled the car tainted by uncertainty and an almost alien awkwardness. That wasn’t the norm for the two of you but this situation also wasn’t the norm. Being your best friend and having known you for a long time, Beau knew some of your history but not all of it. What little you had told him had been enough for him to know this wasn’t a topic you liked to revisit and he needed to leave well enough alone. So he’d happily compensate and regale you with funny stories of the hijinks he and his brother used to get up to when they were younger instead. He didn’t push for more than you were willing to give and that was something you deeply appreciated about him.

And right now, you appreciated him even more for not pressing you for details or trying to make small talk around the huge elephant that was currently sitting on top of you. An elephant in the form of your grandmother, an elderly woman who helped raise you who you had a…complicated relationship with to say the least. You tried to think back to one of the last times you had seen her but you really couldn’t remember. The memory was there somewhere, on the edge of your mind, just out of reach. Instead, a memory resurfaced of a younger you holding onto her hand as you crossed a busy crosswalk in the city, wearing one of your best dresses with tights, shoes, a very proper coat with gold buttons done up, and a ribbon in your long hair. You had been on your way to see a play that she managed to get tickets for and you remembered that moment of her immediately shielding you as a car nearly hit you both, ignoring the traffic light as well as all of the pedestrians crossing. You couldn’t remember the heated exchange between her and the driver of the yellow cab, but you did remember her hurrying you to safety and then kneeling down to check that you were okay. You could see the determination in her light eyes shadowed by a layer of fear as she did up the top two buttons of your fancy coat and smoothed a hand down your hair. She had protected you and basically saved your life. The memory shocked you with its reappearance; you hadn’t thought about that one in a long time. You had to have been around six years old when that happened.

Beau cleared his throat quietly. “Listen, I’m on my way back.”

That jerked you out of your reverie. “What? No, Beau, don’t. I’m fine. You’re on vacation and so is Cassie. Kai was excited to go on this trip, don’t cut it short. I appreciate it but I’d rather your plans didn’t get interrupted.”

“I already talked to Cassie and she’s in agreement. We’re heading back. She talked to Kai and he understands. We’re going to try this again next month.”

The guilt was thick inside your chest. He had been trying for a while now to get Cassie to agree to a fishing trip with him, and he’d only just convinced her. “Beau…”

“Already done,” he assured you. “We’re packing up now actually. Besides, you’re going to need some time and Hoyt’s going to need backup.”

“I told you, I’m fine and I’ll be back to work tomorrow. You don’t have to—”

“You’re going to need the time for the services. Any idea on when they might be yet?”

You pressed your lips together and glanced in your rearview mirror. “Not yet.”

He heard what you weren’t saying. “Well, it just happened. Give ‘em some time and they’ll sort it out,” he offered gently.

“Yeah,” you muttered.

“You set up a flight yet?”

You shook your head, forgetting for a moment that he couldn’t see you. “No.”

“I should be back later tonight. I’ll come over and help you sort all of that out.”

It hit you in that moment that Beau was going to be seeing you in a few hours’ time. A part of you was relieved but another part of you wasn’t ready to let him in just yet. Not that you didn’t trust him (he was the person you trusted most actually) and not that he didn’t know how to be there for you, but something was stopping you from letting him.

“You’re going to be back late. How about you just stop by in the morning on your way to the office?”

You didn’t need to see Beau to know he was taken aback at your suggestion. “It’s not going to be that late,” he tried again. “I was thinking, if you didn’t mind, I could just stay at your place for the night. It’d be a shorter drive for me to the station tomorrow.”

You knew it would be and you knew he was just looking out for you, being there for you should you need him, but weirdly, that was the last thing you wanted right now. “I appreciate it, but it’s going to be a long drive and you still need to drop Cassie off. I’ll look up flights when I get home. You just focus on driving and let me know when you made it back okay.”

“Y/N—”

“Someone is calling me from a New York number. It could be important. I have to go. Drive safe, alright?”

“Darlin’, just—”

“Thank you for calling, Beau. It means a lot.” You meant that last part, you really did. You quickly disconnected the call before he could speak again. There was no call from New York, of course, and you know he knew that, but you just needed a second to think. You put your phone on silent and continued the drive to the small house you had put a down payment on when Beau had convinced you to move here to join him about a year or so before.

You ran a hand through your hair and sighed, feeling majorly conflicted. You wanted nothing more than one of Beau’s comforting hugs but at the same time, you didn’t want to be touched or comforted. You didn’t want anyone’s awkward condolences like Hoyt had offered you earlier after Poppernak told her you might have received some kind of bad news. You didn’t want to talk or cry or try to distract yourself from reality in any way, shape, or form. You wanted to just be.

And considering where you would be flying to in the next twenty four hours, you needed as much time to process and compartmentalize as you could get.

There was no processing or compartmentalizing happening. Your brain was a chaotic mess at best. Your thoughts were all over the place, same with your emotions, and yet somehow you still felt numb and in shock.

Not only did memories play on a loop inside your head but you could not form one single coherent thought. You had walked past your full sink of dishes at least four times before you remembered you were going to stack them in the dishwasher. You had to remind yourself that you hadn’t eaten breakfast that morning, preferring your usual coffee, and you had to eat something now that it was late afternoon so you could satiate the loudly rumbling hungry beast known as your stomach. You barely tasted the food or the beer you chose to wash it down with.

At some point, you had pulled out a shoebox you kept carefully hidden away in a closet and began to go through old photos you kept stashed alongside a few Christmas and birthday cards over the years. You studied your grandmother in each photo and whether it was a blessing or a curse, you weren’t sure which yet, you could hear her voice and even her laughter in your mind. You could hear her yelling, too, but your brain pushed those memories away, knowing you weren’t ready to deal with that just yet.

You came across one picture of the two of you. You were in high school and had just received an award. You two were standing outside of the school and neither of you were embracing or smiling too widely. One of your aunts had asked you both to take the picture, to mark the special occasion, but the truth was, you two had been arguing most of the day, practically up until the ceremony. Just one of the many arguments you both had over the years where you didn’t see eye to eye.

You dug deeper into the box until you pulled out a special group of photos in an envelope. You took a sip of beer, a deep breath, and then opened it. These were pictures of your parents, gone in a freak accident when you were barely kindergarten age. You smiled down at the photos of the two of them with a baby version of you. No matter where you were or who took the picture, all of you appeared to be happy. Sadly, you didn’t remember those times too much, the memories too hazy and existing on that fine line between reality and fantasy. You only remembered the sorrow, the pain, and the devastation their sudden absence left.

You came across a photo of you and your mother, but this time, your grandmother was also included. You must have been two years old and you were grinning widely from your mother’s lap at the older woman who smiled brightly back at you. You had even reached out your hands to her, almost as if you had been asking her to pick you up. You stared hard at the picture, almost as if trying to remember that exact moment in time so you could then remember the feeling.

Your phone ringing loudly made you jump and jerked you out of your concentration. You placed the photo down and sighed. You had put your phone back on when you arrived home a few hours ago and though he hadn’t called, Beau had sent you a few texts. It was more of him offering to come over, to be there for you, and to help with anything you needed. You had immediately swiped the notifications off of your screen; you couldn’t deal with that or anything else right now. You appreciated it but you just needed some time…some space actually. Just until you could get your head on straight.

You picked your phone up and glanced at the screen, surprised to see your cousin’s name flashing back at you.

Your brows furrowed and you immediately picked up the call. “Lucy? What’s wrong?”

“Hey,” she greeted you though her usual cheery voice lacked its usual enthusiasm. While you didn’t keep in touch with most of your family, Lucy had been the exception. You weren’t close by any means but her texts and calls didn’t always go ignored. “Aunt Ida said she called you today to tell you about Gran. How are you holding up?”

You shrugged. “As well as can be expected, I guess. How are you doing?” Lucy had been just as close with the grandmother you shared while growing up but she had also stayed within the family unit while you bolted. She and her husband, John, even purchased a home two blocks away from where your grandmother lived.

“Um, I’m okay,” she sighed into the phone. “It’s sad and not the way we expected but we all kind of knew it was coming.”

“Yeah,” you whispered, taking another sip of beer.

“I know it might sound horrible to say but it’s kind of a relief. For Gran, I mean. She’s no longer suffering. You know, after the past couple of years…”

You felt a familiar surge of guilt start up in your chest again, and a burning feeling began in the corners of your eyes. “Yeah,” you repeated. You both stayed quiet for a moment, each thinking back to Gran’s initial diagnosis of Alzheimer’s more than five years ago and how it had quickly progressed, especially during the pandemic years.

Lucy finally broke the silence. “So, um, I was just wondering if you were going to be flying in tomorrow.”

Your brows mashed together again. “Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. For the visitation the next day.”

Your head began to whirl. Perhaps it was the beer and you had misheard her. Though, you had only had two, maybe in conjunction with what you were feeling, you weren’t thinking straight. “Wait, wait. The visitation is the day after tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Luy sounded unsure why you were asking. “And the funeral will be the next morning. That’s why I was thinking you would probably be flying in tomorrow.”

“Aunt Ida told me that she had no idea when the services would be yet but she would let me know.”

“Oh.”

You could practically hear her nerves through the phone. “Lucy,” you warned. “When were the plans finalized?”

“Um…”

“Lucy.”

“Yesterday?” She nearly squeaked out.

That hit you like a gut punch. “Yesterday? I thought Gran just died this morning!”

Now you could really hear the nervousness in Lucy’s voice. “She, um, she passed on Monday morning.”

The fury working its way through your veins felt like molten fire. “Today is Wednesday!”

Lucy knew better than to answer that. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I thought Aunt Ida explained when she said she spoke to you this morning. She was dealing with a lot and—”

“--couldn’t be bothered to tell me, I get it. But why didn’t you call me?” The tears building were practically burning your pupils. Your grandmother had passed away two days ago and no one could be bothered to tell you.

“I-I wanted to, Y/N. I really did but, Aunt Ida said—”

Your jaw tensed and you nearly slammed your bottle down on the floor next to you as you got to your feet, all too certain what Aunt Ida had said. While Lucy was a kinder soul than most in your biological family, she also lacked a backbone when it came to your older female relatives.

“Forget it,” you hissed, roughly wiping away tears that had escaped down your cheeks. “I’ll be arriving tomorrow. Is the obituary up or was she bullshitting me on that one, too?”

“N-No, they just posted it today. It’s actually quite nice. I think you’ll—”

“Send me the link,” you ordered before you hung up and quickly began scanning available flights as you hurried into your bedroom to begin packing.

It was late when you landed, your flight having been slightly delayed. Not that it mattered to you; if you could have delayed the flight altogether, you would have. But that wasn’t possible and neither was you staying in Helena. As angry as you were, you refused to let it keep you from doing the right thing. Plus, when you called the station earlier to tell Hoyt you wouldn’t be back until Monday, she had insisted you take the bereavement time available to you (more like ordered you) and see to your family, wishing you well. Normally, you would have put your foot down and flat out refused, content to hole up in a corner of the office and burrow yourself into work, but you knew she was right. You had to attend the services; you owed Gran that much at least.

You nodded a thanks to the cheery but tired flight attendant as she thanked you for flying with their airlines, and ambled down the bridge towards the airport. Thankfully, due to the late hour, there weren’t many people milling about and you were unencumbered from making your way down the escalator towards Baggage Claim.

While waiting for the carousel to start up, your phone started vibrating. You glanced at the screen, sighing when you saw the name pop up that had been popping up on and off all day.

You immediately rejected the call and slipped your phone back into silent mode. But before you could hit the button, a text snuck its way through to display on your screen.

You felt bad reading the message previews and you certainly weren’t trying to ignore your best friend but you just needed some time to process all of this on your own. You had sent him one quick text earlier telling him not to come by since you wouldn’t be home. You also told him you would call him as soon as you were able. Apparently, he was ignoring that last text going by his several attempts to make contact. You weren’t trying to stonewall him, you really weren’t, but you had to go into this with a clear head. Or as clear a head as you could have in these circumstances. Wasn’t that something he always said before you two went into anything dangerous on the job?

Speaking of the job, it wasn’t that you hadn’t seen your fair share of death, mostly in ghoulish evil ways that people had come up with in order to hurt each other, and it’s not that your grandmother’s passing wasn’t expected to happen at some point like Lucy had said. But you hadn’t been prepared for how you would feel when it did and you certainly hadn’t been prepared for it to happen now.

Conflicting emotions roiled in your head and churned in your stomach. Your empty stomach from that all-too familiar discomfort you’d gotten frequently during your career. The lunch you’d eaten earlier had made a reappearance after Lucy’s phone call. You would have to get some food and soon, but where you would get that at this late hour except a greasy diner, you couldn’t even begin to imagine. Not that it mattered, either. The very thought of food made an altogether different unpleasant sensation roll in your stomach. Emptiness versus nausea…fun.

Eventually, your other suitcase made its way to you and you quickly scooped it up. You ordered a Lyft, scoffing when you noticed the wait time was a half hour, possibly more, for a pickup. How was that even possible? This was an airport! At this rate, you’d be better off taking a cab but that was bound to be pricier than the Lyft. You heaved a great sigh and plopped down on your larger suitcase, resting your chin in your hand as you waited. Eventually, you whipped out your phone and decided to mindlessly scroll through your Instagram. You weren’t a fan of the app or any social media really but Em had made an account for you one day when you had unwisely left your phone sitting on one of Beau’s deck chairs while helping him pack Pedro for a camping trip he was taking her on. You quickly got bored of any new content on your feed, since there weren't any updates from anyone you actually cared about, and swiped over to your profile.

A glimmer of a smile appeared on your face when you saw the picture Em had taken of herself and her dad, posting it for you after she saw your Houston photo and labeled it a semi-pathetic attempt at a first post. Your eyes scanned through your meager posting and the picture of Poppernak that you had taken one day near the end of your shift reminded you why you wouldn’t be working with your beloved partner the next few days. Your smile immediately disappeared and you clicked out of the app, powered down the screen, and slipped the phone into your jacket pocket.

Luckily, only a little while later, your Lyft finally arrived. After loading your suitcases into the back with the driver’s help, you were on your way to the only hotel in town. You stared out the window as the scenery passed by. Your driver, Antonio, had tried to make small talk but thankfully begged off when he noticed you weren’t too talkative, most likely chalking it up to the late flight and you being tired. Familiar landmarks came into view as he turned onto another street and memories started to flood your mind. You shut your eyes, as if to keep them out, and it miraculously held them at bay a little longer. You then settled your gaze on the back of the driver seat, refusing to look out the windows until you arrived at your destination.

You’d have time enough to wallow in memories and regret the next few days. No reason to rush it.

As soon as you checked into your hotel room, you immediately jumped in the shower. It always made you feel better after traveling and the flight had felt excruciatingly long this go around. That could have had something to do with you coming from Montana, though. The few flights you’d taken from Texas back in the day had definitely been shorter.

You wrapped yourself in a towel, your damp hair spilling down your back, and started going through one of your suitcases to find body lotion. Once you found the bottle, before you could begin lathering it up in your hands, your phone vibrated on your night stand.

You heaved a sigh and glanced over, seeing you had another missed call from Beau, and yet another text.

You nearly rolled your eyes, knowing he would make good on this threat if you didn’t check in with him at least once before you went to sleep. And that was the last thing you needed right now.

You slipped in your earbuds, hit his name, then the phone icon, and switched it over to bluetooth as you began to moisturize your skin. He answered it in two rings.

“Hey,” he gruffed out before clearing his throat. “About time you called me back.”

You ignored how hearing his voice immediately made your chest feel that little bit lighter and your shoulders release some of the tension you’d been carrying around the past day. “Yeah, well, when someone threatened to put a BOLO on my ass, I responded real quick. That’s all I need, this town’s cops pounding on my door, in addition to everything else.” You had meant it to come out teasingly but your voice had betrayed your aggravation. You regretted it the moment the words were out of your mouth. You knew Beau was just worried about you, that he cared about you, and wanted to make sure you were alright. In all fairness, you could have at least sent him a text to let him know you landed but you were tired and didn’t feel like talking. He would have understood. He wasn’t the asshole in this scenario; you were.

“I’m sorry about that,” he offered gently and you could hear the genuine remorse in his tone. “I wasn’t trying to give you a hard time but damn, Y/N, not one single text to let me know you’re still alive?”

You flinched at the last word and started applying the lotion more aggressively. You were eager to be done with this call, with everything, so you could crash and finally get some much needed shut-eye. You hadn’t slept much in the past forty eight hours, probably stress from the job (it happened sometimes), and you were feeling it.

“Sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have said that.” More remorse.

“It’s fine,” you muttered, popping the cap on the bottle closed and placing it on the nightstand. “Well, now that you know that I’m fine, no BOLO’s are necessary.”

“Y/N, I didn’t—”

You knew you didn’t really have a right to be angry with him but you also didn’t have the bandwidth for dealing with anyone or anything right now. You appreciated his concern and him checking on you, but all you wanted to do was hit the sack and evade consciousness for a few hours. “Listen, it’s super late, I just got in because it was a late flight and delayed at that. I’m exhausted. So if we could…” You left it open-ended, hoping he’d just take the hint and say goodnight.

You heard some rustling on the other end and you realized he must have been in bed already when you called. You quickly glanced at the alarm clock and thought over the time difference. It wasn’t even 10:30 yet back in Helena and Beau was already going to sleep for the night? That was odd. Then again, he was now a deputy sheriff down and Hoyt would need the backup in case something came up. Plus, you knew he had cut his vacation short to rush back to Helena. He was probably just as exhausted as you were, possibly more so. “Y/N… You’re not shutting down on me, are you?”

You practically did a double take at the question. “What? No! I’m not. What, I’m tired and want to go to sleep after the long day I’ve had and that’s suddenly me shutting down on you? Seriously? All because I didn’t answer a few texts or pick up one of your many phone calls?” You had no idea why but that question majorly pissed you off. The logical part of you knew you were overreacting to a genuinely concerned question from your best friend but your temper seemed to be off to the races; you couldn’t stop it if you tried. “I get that you’re a grade A worry-er and everything but I’m not some goddamn child you need to check up on every ten minutes for Christ’s sake!” In your rush of anger, you hadn’t even realized just how much your voice had raised. Not until there was a deafening silence in the room and on the other end once you finished your little tirade.

“I wasn’t trying to insinuate that you were, darlin’,” he spoke calmly.

“Don’t you darlin’ me. Don’t you dare patronize me with that shit, Arlen. Do you hear me? Don’t you dare.” Your chest felt immediately tight again and tension filled your body once more. You huffed out an angry breath and decided the best thing for you to do in this situation was to end the call as soon as possible. “Look, you wanted to know I’m still alive, now you know. I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me and texting me all the time while I’m here and threatening me when you don’t hear back from me right away. That’s the last fucking thing I need on top of everything else,” you snapped.

Beau remained quiet but you could still hear his breathing on the other end so you knew he was listening to your ranting.

“Now, I’m going to bed. I appreciate the check in but it’s unnecessary. When the services are over and I’m going to head back, I’ll let you know.”

Still nothing.

“Good night, Beau.” You hung up and angrily tossed your phone onto the bed with your earbuds before heading back to the bathroom so you could blow dry your hair.

You thought over the entire conversation. You felt slightly bad that you had lost your temper with him when he was just making sure you were okay but God, you didn’t need that right now. What you needed was to get through the next few days so you could return to your life, your normal routine, as fast as possible. The best way you could do that was to keep going, not allowing yourself time to think, and get this done.

A twinge of guilt surged in your chest when you had that thought. You hadn’t meant anything disrespectful towards your grandmother or to insinuate that you didn’t care that she had died when you were thinking that. It was just…things were already going to be difficult, if your Aunt Ida’s attitude on the phone had been any indication as well as her behavior so far. If it hadn’t been for Lucy’s call earlier and the obituary link she texted you, you wouldn’t have even known when the services were going to be so you could grab the first flight out. Yes, things were bound to be difficult and tense until this was over.

You unplugged your hair dryer in a huff and finished getting ready to go to sleep. Beau just needed to give you space. Your life in Montana had nothing to do with anyone or anything here and you were determined to keep it that way. Texas never did despite your few trips back over the years; Big Sky Country wasn’t going to either.

You supposed you shouldn’t have been surprised at the text message notification on your screen when you lit up your phone.

You felt that twinge of guilt again but this time in your heart. Beau hadn’t deserved what you had unleashed on him before. He was a good man and he hadn’t done anything wrong. You were mentally kicking yourself as you hurriedly dressed for bed and snuggled under the sheets. You stared at your screen, your thumb hovering over his name, the desire strong within you to call him and apologize. You yearned to hear his voice one more time, even if it was just him talking and you listening, him giving you hell for the things you had said in anger earlier. Hell, you almost wished he was here with you so you could fold yourself into his arms and burrow into his chest, letting his Texan drawl wash over your ear as he assured you everything would be alright. And you could stay there as long as you wanted, safe and comforted, not having to face the world or how it had changed so drastically for you with one phone call.

After a minute of indecision, you decided to let things be, get some rest, and then call him tomorrow to apologize when you were a little more clear-headed. And God, you hoped you would be more clear-headed. You powered down your screen and turned the light off, getting into a more comfortable position. You closed your eyes and tried to let the silence settle over you to start lulling you into sleep.

A few minutes passed by of you unsuccessfully getting your mind to stop racing, constantly replaying your phone call with Beau, the phone call from your aunt, what Lucy’s call revealed (though you shouldn’t have been surprised), what you would be facing come tomorrow, and everything that entailed. Almost as if it was a track on repeat. Finally, you let out a loud huff and reached for the TV remote, turning the television on. You channel surfed until you landed on a rerun of The Golden Girls. You tried to get into the episode; the series was an old favorite that you loved. But when you saw Sophia talking to her granddaughter, you winced and decided that the show wasn’t for you right now. You continued to click through channels until you found an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. The minute Marie walked through the youngest Barone’s household, giving her daughter-in-law a glare, you let out another wince. You finally settled on The Weather Channel and stared at the screen while the woman talked about the highs and lows expected for the next week in the area. You noticed that rain showers were being forecast for the day of the burial. How apt. And just like that, you knew your brain wasn't going to let you get any rest.

You sighed and tossed the remote away from you and rubbed your hands down your tired face. So much for sleeping.

The next day, you arrived at a familiar red-colored house with white trim, stepping up onto the old wooden porch. You could already hear a low buzz coming from inside as voices batted back and forth in conversation mixed with the sounds of young children running around and playing. One voice stuck out to you from all the rest and it made you tense up. A part of you wanted to turn around and retreat back to your hotel room.

You briefly closed your eyes and took a deep breath. No. You were not going to avoid this. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t. You could do this. You would do this. You were an adult now, you had your own life, and you were a deputy sheriff for Christ’s sake. You dealt with dead bodies, assaults, and much scarier criminals every single day. You refused to turn around and leave with your head hanging down.

As if to ensure you wouldn’t be able to leave, without your permission, your hand lifted and gave two confident raps on the front door. You could hear the chatter pause long enough that you knew they had heard the sounds. You straightened up and squared your shoulders, making sure you were holding your head high just like you did during work hours. It was a silly fleeting thought but you almost wished you were wearing your badge on your belt, having it near as some layer of invisible protection.

Before you could scoff internally at yourself, the door yanked open and there stood the older woman you hadn’t wanted to deal with. You hadn’t seen her in years and while her sandy hair was mixed with more gray and her face sported a few more lines resulting in an even harsher scowl than you remembered, the dark eyes full of contempt whenever they focused on you remained the same.

You didn’t smile, tear up, or surge forward for a hug, and neither did she. “Aunt Ida,” you greeted.

“Y/N,” she replied icily. “So you decided to show up for the services after all?”

You could feel your teeth set on edge but you schooled your features. You weren’t going to let her little digs get at you and you would be damned to let her see it if they somehow did. You weren’t fourteen anymore. “I did. Mind if I come in?”

Her beady eyes gave you a once over and she practically sneered before stepping back and opening the door a little wider. Not exactly a warm invitation but an invitation nonetheless. You gave her a nod and took it, ignoring the tiny snort of derision she let out as you did.

You sat uncomfortably on the old couch that you had hated as a kid. Aunt Ida had insisted this couch was for entertaining, not for young children to watch television on or jump on or do anything on really. The seat was practically as rigid as your aunt.

You silently wondered what Beau was up to now as a temporary means of mentally escaping this situation. You had tried to call him before you came over here but his phone had gone straight to voicemail. You would be lying if you said you weren’t a little hurt and a little let down that you hadn’t been able to speak with him. He had told you to call him anytime, that he was there for you despite the harsh words you had launched at him the previous night, but the one time you actually tried to reach out, he hadn’t been available. You hadn’t been prepared for the beep of the voicemail, signaling you to talk, and you ended up leaving him the most awkward message you had ever left someone. “Hey. It’s me. …I’m sorry. Call me back when you get this, okay? Or if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I’ll understand, but…it would be really nice to hear your voice. Well…you know what I mean. Anyway, just call me back…if you want.” That had been four hours ago. And granted, he was three hours behind you now, but you knew he would already be up, getting ready for the day. So why was his phone off?

You had chastised yourself out loud after hanging up the phone, telling yourself that he was probably in the middle of something for a case that he got called in on overnight and couldn’t be disturbed. How many times did you have to do the same? You had scowled at yourself in the bathroom mirror while putting the finishing touches on your foundation. “What the hell is wrong with you, Y/N? You need to get a fucking grip.” In perhaps an immature move that you were glad no one else was around to witness, you stuck your tongue out at yourself and shook your head, muttering “Stop being such an asshole already”, and walked out the door.

And now you were here, in the house you didn’t really want to be in, surrounded by people that you didn’t really want to be around. Well, perhaps that last thought was harsh. There was really only one person you didn’t really want to see and she had been the one to let you in the door.

You quickly glanced around the room you were in, noting not much had changed since you had been here last, when you had left this town in your rearview mirror and didn’t look back. Even the scent you hated as a child was still the same: a mix of old lady perfume and stale cookies. You could feel nausea starting up in your stomach but thankfully you hadn’t eaten anything before you came here.

Your Uncle Mason, who sat on your right, gave you a tight smile when he noticed you surveying the room.

“Still looks the same, huh?” He offered.

“Exactly the same,” you agreed without looking at him.

Your cousin, Lucy, sat in the stiff armchair on your left and looked around as well, smiling. “I like that it hasn’t changed since we were kids. A lot of good memories happened here.”

Your gaze dropped to the oak coffee table that still had the scratch in it from when you were a child and didn’t know any better. That was one of your countless infractions your aunt had held against you. “Yeah, good memories,” you muttered. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Mason tense a little and Lucy fidgeting nervously.

You all heard Aunt Ida finish up her conversation and hang up the old handset before she made her way into the room. “That was the funeral home. There was an issue with the plot next to Dad but it’s been resolved.”

“What kind of issue?” Uncle Mason asked.

“Payment,” Aunt Ida spat out as she sat down before turning a fresh glare on you. “I hope you’re not here thinking there’s any money waiting for you and that’s why you decided to show up.”

You nearly ground your teeth together but forced yourself to remain calm. “Of course not. I’m here for Gran.”

She scoffed and shook her head. “Only took her dying, right?”

Lucy struggled to her feet, her round belly acting as an obstacle, but she managed. “You know, I don’t hear the kids anymore. I’m going to go check on them and be right back.” She then hurried out of the room; if she could have run, you bet she would be sprinting towards the backyard her kids had been urged out into when you had arrived. You couldn’t blame her. You would be, too.

“Ida,” Mason attempted to admonish his sister. “Now is not the time.”

“Then when is it?” She snapped, making Mason shrink back, before she turned her scowl back onto you. “Why else would you show up? It’s not like you came when she needed help, when we all needed help with her. You didn’t visit her once while she was in the nursing home. Not once when she was in the hospital.”

Your jaw tensed and you felt the familiar twinge of guilt deep within. “You told me not to come, Aunt Ida,” you reminded her.

She barked out a laugh. “Is that how you heard it?”

“That’s how I heard it because that’s exactly how you said it.” You didn’t look away when she was slightly taken aback by your reply. You refused to back down from this one. You reminded yourself that you were no longer a child; you were a grown woman who didn’t have to take her shit anymore. You were no longer dependent on her or anyone else in this family for anything though when you were, she had only been too happy to make you feel like crap for it every single day of your existence.

The woman shook her head, laughing at you. “Right. You’re some big shot cop now, right? Too good for us lowly citizens.” She smirked over at Mason in collusion, though her brother was shaking his head, refusing to meet her gaze. That angered her further and the glare she settled on you was worse than before. “It’s obvious why you’re really here. Like I said, there’s no money for you. Anything she had left went to the payments for the nursing home and her funeral. And what she had left was pretty much nothing. So if you came here expecting a payout from her will, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.”

You lifted your chin slightly higher in defiance of her accusations. “And like I said, Aunt Ida, I didn’t come here for anything other than to pay my respects to Gran, and to help where I can.” Your voice softened a little at the thought of your grandmother. “She would have wanted that.”

The other woman scoffed once more but didn’t say more due to the doorbell ringing.

“I’ll get it,” Mason hurried to offer and then nearly rushed from the room, leaving you and Ida in one hell of a glaring contest.

“I’m only trying to do right by Gran,” you assured her.

“Too little, too late,” she hissed.

You unclenched your jaw and took a quiet breath. “Yeah,” you reluctantly agreed. “Suppose you’re right.” Right then and there you decided that once you were back in Montana, you would sever all ties, this time permanently. You owed nothing to this woman or to any of them, regardless of any blood you shared. The one person you might have owed something to once upon a time was no longer alive. If anything, you were being quickly reminded why you had left this house all those years ago and hadn’t come back.

Ida harrumphed and continued to shake her head.

You were about to stand and leave, having had more than enough in this one little exchange with your aunt, and tell her to call you if she or anyone needed anything before the wake, when Mason returned and a familiar figure filled the entryway to the room. Your eyes widened and your jaw dropped.

There stood the very man you had been trying to get a hold of earlier, giving you one of his warm smiles. You could see slight rings of shadow underneath his eyes that were similar to yours that you had been sporting this morning before using concealer. Exhaustion lined his face but so did relief. His green eyes that were centered on you softened slightly and in that moment, you knew everything that had happened the night before had been forgiven. He was here, for you.

You didn’t remember making the decision to move when you hurried over to him, Mason barely able to get out of your way before you launched yourself at Beau who immediately wrapped his arms around you, practically picking you up off the floor. You squeezed your eyes shut to keep any tears from coming out and burrowed into his neck, happy to breathe in the familiar scent of his cologne. No one said anything and for that you were grateful. You didn’t want anything to shatter the one good moment you’d had in the past two days.

Eventually, when you felt like you wouldn’t break down in tears and you had yourself under pretty good control, you choked out in a whisper, “You’re here.”

“Damn right I am, darlin’,” he confirmed into your ear, making you smile as you heard that Texan drawl you loved so much. The tension in his body relaxed though his hold on you did not. You felt him press a kiss to your hair before hugging you even tighter. “I’m here.”

A/N: Please let me know what you think. 👉👈

#beau arlen x reader #beau arlen x female reader #beau arlen x you #beau arlen x y/n #beau arlen #big sky fanfiction #beau arlen fanfiction

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