#i know it's hard for people to understand but feelings and catharsis can be part of the creative process

[princess-of-the-corner]

Glad you liked the submission, as I have more on the Aware of Abuse AU!

I think it would be really interesting to reflect on how this situation would be kind of a drawn out grapple for Marinette. This is in no way salt and I think if it was written she'd both warrant having hear grievances hear, but also could definitely come off as a bit antagonistic, or at least wary.

(Exactly how hostile she defaulted to with Chloe tended to oscillate episode to episode so ya know how it be)

Marinette would have the easiest time getting close with Kagami. She has no history like with Chloe & no baggage, IE friendship with Chloe, like Adrien. Tomoe is not someone Marinette admires and its much easier to see abuse in the physicals side. While she'd struggle to see it more in the verbal or negligence side; or otherwise be able to rationalize the negative behaviors such as over protectiveness.

Meanwhile Adrien would be tied a lot closer to Chloe going into school as she'd be being less overtly antagonistic or vain. Plus, they'd have a much stronger "We need each other to keep from falling back into old patterns and to survive" mentality.

Plus Adrien would be a bit more overtly snarky and less respectful to authority or stuff like Gabriel's fashion shows. He still is very nice and super wants to be liked by everyone all the time, but it'd be a lot easier for her to see the negatives in his behavior.

Chloe meanwhile would probably rankle and outright frustrate her the most. Not just because she'd still be hard to get along with in general, or because she still is not against ignoring rules or disrespecting authority figures. But because...

No clue what your religious views may or may not be, but have you heard those talks of "Catholic guilt" and the idea of needing to suffer, do penance, ETC before one can be redeemed?

Marinette wouldn't strictly think or want that, but there would be a part of her that would sort of... Well resent that Chloe is seemingly just choosing to change and not even necessarily enough.

That is to say, Chloe might still rudely reject Sabrina's cookies out of hand but then instantly walk it back and have some.

But more in that she's suffered no defeat, she's not been taken from her previous luxurious circumstances, she hasn't seemingly lost anything and even more she'd not even be overtly contrite.

That is to say, Chloe wouldn't be doing stuff akin to the Lady Luck AU (Nothing against it, great fic!) where she'd frequently reflect on how much of a 'fuck up' she was. Or or say stuff like, "I know I was a bitch but I am trying to be better". Or feel guilt in the "I can't even be mad they assume the worst of me cos I probably would have done X."

She's just choosing to be different and on some level its deeply unsatisfying and even frustrating.

(Where is the arc, the climax, the catharsis!?)

Especially if some people roll with it or let her get away with it when she starts falling into old habits.

Marinette doesn't want Chloe to suffer or beg forgiveness or hate herself she doesn't. She just doesn't understand why now? Why at all? Why because of her friend? Why because of how she was treated and not how she treated others?

Why couldn't she care enough about hurting Marinette to change!?

That I think would be the lynch-pin and one that is, from Marinette's perspective, as well as others in and out of universe entirely sympathetic, she was hurt after all.

But in that same vain Chloe's an abused child lashing out due to trauma and taught such terrible lessons she sometimes couldn't process that she wasn't doing 'right'.

Marinette's been hurt, and that would need to be properly addressed. But it wouldn't need to happen in a self recriminating manner necessarily.

Not that I don't love those, self hating characters rife with issues are fun to explore. It is just that I think it'd be interesting to explore both, changing as a person, and a "Bad" victim getting help before they actually even start processing over much how others might warrant reoperations.

Does that make sense?

The story "restorative Justice" sort of dips into this from a different middle ground angle and most stuff by Generalluxun often have elements of it too.

Oh yeah no it's.

Marinette doesn't understand why Chloé is Like That™ in the first place, so she can't fathom her wanting to change.

From Mari's perspective, Chloé's life is pretty perfect. She's beautiful, she's rich. She can do whatever she wants whenever she wants and always gets her way through money or influence. She's always bragging about how she's so much better than everyone. Clearly her parents must adore her because they spoil her with gifts and never tell her 'no'. Any 'hardships' are just minor inconveniences that Chloé brought upon herself by being mean.

So why would Chloé choose to change? If it's not broke, don't fix it. Chloé's life is Perfect™, why would she do something to make it different?

It's not that she wants Chloé to suffer, or thinks that she /should/ suffer. She just doesn't understand why someone with a Perfect Life™ would change without going through some kind of suffering that forces introspection.

#aware au

[sunoorintarou]

Catharsis: Christmas Special

Phos!Reader x Teen!Gojo Satoru and Teen!Geto Suguru

Warnings: Gojo - centric, usual angst, fluff if you squint, major character death, dead bodies, set in 2006, lots of talks of politics, death, murder, trauma, morals, etc, borderline bullying? (Satoru is a jerk), self - blaming, grief, and all it's stages, trouble processing and understanding emotions, Gojo is seriously just his own warning

Notes: Merry Christmas!!!

"You're weak. Why do you bother being a sorceror?"

Satoru's words make you freeze, eyes widening at their bluntness. He doesn't react, however, because in his mind, he's simply telling you the truth.

You're weak. He's known that from the moment you set foot in this classroom almost three months ago.

He doesn't understand why Suguru and Shoko seem so fond of you. All you do is get into trouble, injure yourself, and make it everyone's problem to save you. You can't fight, your Cursed Technique is subpar, not to mention that you're annoying.

Stepping into battle like some sort of self-righteous hero knowing full well that if a curse so much as touches you, you'll crumble. Literally. That's another thing he finds annoying about you. How easily your skin chips and cracks like porcelain revealing an ocean of Phosphophyllite underneath.

You can't lift anything heavy, you can't fight, you can't help out without injuring yourself, you're clumsy, you're annoying, and the list could go on.

What he finds the most annoying about you, however, is your soft voice going, "Gojo - san, are you alright? You look tired", "Gojo - san, you should rest, you don't need to use your technique so often", "Gojo - san, you haven't eaten yet, so I brought you this, I hope you don't mind".

Gojo - san this, Gojo - san that, God. You drive him crazy. How do you manage to see through every front he puts up? Every act? Even Shoko and Suguru can't see through it, and yet you have the audacity to call him out.

You're a liability in battle, and you're practically useless, more like the team's overglorified mascot. So, for the life of him, Satoru doesn't understand why everyone likes you so much. Even Nanami, his grouchy underclassman, doesn't seem to mind you.

What annoys Satoru the most, however, is the tug his heart feels when he looks at you. Because no matter how he tries to deny it, you're growing on him like a parasite, and a part of him wishes he was as close to you as they were.

"I am weak." You agree, seemingly taking no offence to Satoru's question. It's just you and him in the classroom. You're standing at your desk, bag still in hand, and he's sitting a desk, two desks behind yours. Shoko and Suguru are still on their way, and he's taken this opportunity to ask you what he's been dying to.

Satoru's eyes widen at your response.

"If you know you're weak, why do you try so hard? It's kind of pathetic, you know." His brows furrow, glasses sliding down his nose bridge as he tilts his head.

"I- because, I'm selfish, I guess." You say softly.

There it is again. That annoying soft tone of voice that makes his chest hurt whenever he hears it.

"I know I'm weak, but I want to keep trying. I want to fight. One day, I want to be able to repay everyone for everything they've done for me. Yaga - sensei, Shoko, Suguru, Ken, Yuu. Even you, Gojo - san. I want you to be able to rely on me. I want to be able to protect innocent people like you guys do. So I hope you can bear with me for a little more, Gojo - san. I'm sorry for being such a burden, but I promise I'll pay you back." You say earnestly, looking Gojo in the eye.

Satoru's eyes widen, and he's silent for a moment. Before he bursts out laughing.

You suddenly feel embarrassed. You were being serious and heartfelt, and all Gojo does in response is laugh.

"What's with that? Did you quote that from an anime?" He cackles, hitting the desk with one hand and holding his stomach with the other.

"I- I did not! I was being honest!" You defend, feeling the heat tinting your cheeks.

"If- if you really want to repay me, buy me something sweet from the vending machine." Satoru stutters between fits of giggles.

"OK, I'm on it." You nod, turning on your tail to leave the class. A hand grabs your shoulder, stopping you.

"Where are you going?" Satoru asks, leaning down to look you in the eye.

"The vending machine?" You reply, brows furrowed in confusion.

"You're going now?"

"Yeah? I'll be back really quickly."

Satoru scoffs, but there's a smile on his face nonetheless.

"Really? I'll time you then. You have 5 minutes." He challenges, smirking as he tilts his head at you.

"5- 5 minutes?" You stutter, eyes wide. The vending machine was on the other side of the school. There's no way you'd make it back in 5 minutes.

"Yeah. The clock is ticking. Didn't you say you'd pay me for saving your butt all those times?" He mocks.

Satoru's eyes widen as you put down your bag, determination clear on your face.

"I did. I might not be back in 5 minutes, but I'll be back in less than 10!"

"Hey, wait-"

And with that, you've rushed out the classroom, leaving Satoru absolutely bewildered. As he sticks his head out the door, watching you run and almost slip multiple times, Satoru thinks he's figured it out. He understands why Shoko and Suguru keep you around.

You're amusing. And he wants to get closer to you.

Unfortunately, things never go as planned. And if Satoru had known the outcome before, he would have tried to get to know you much sooner.

Things change quickly when you're a Jujutsu Sorceror. People come and go, live, and die. They change, they evolve. People grow apart, and people grow closer.

Regardless, it's not a pleasant feeling when you lose someone close to you. 

Gojo Satoru had never thought the day would come when he'd feel regret. He was the strongest, after all. Everything he wanted he got. The world was his oyster. Money, power, good looks, everything. So it's safe to say that loss was also a new concept to him.

A feeling he decided he'd prefer to live without.

It hurt in a way he couldn't explain. He felt as if he couldn't breathe, as if there were something heavy on his chest. Almost as if he were having an out of body experience but could feel whatever the stranger he saw when he looked in the mirror felt. Pain. Anger. Despair.

Cold and light. That's how your body felt in his arms. He couldn't bear to look at the white cloth covering it. This, this couldn't be you. This body in his arms, the broken shards of its head cutting into the cloth.

Yet it was still vivid. Amanai Riko running out and finding him, letting him know that you had died saving her. A bullet straight to the head. Pushing her into Suguru's arms and telling him to run with your last breath. Riko's tear filled face as she begged for him to help Suguru because she couldn't bear to have anyone else die because of her.

Since then, he's felt numb. It hasn't faded. The coldness in his skin, the haze of his reality, brain clouded as it was forced to process the events that had taken place.

"Suguru... should we kill them all? I probably wouldn't feel anything right now."

Did he say something? The words don't register in his mind. Was that his voice? Raw and soft.

Them. The higher-ups. If only he had known earlier that they were supportive of your death. That there was a bounty for your head somewhere.

He didn't know why. He didn't know anything. You had kept so much to yourself. Just what were you dealing with alone? All this time, smiling wide, eyes always sparkling, hiding everything behind your carefree, happy - go - lucky persona.

You didn't deserve this. You of all people. You weren't weak. You were sweet, kind, caring, and selfless to a fault.

This was not you. Lifeless in his arms. You were never this cold.

He remembered it, how warm your hands were all those time your fingers brushed his forehead to check if he was well, when your fingers brushed his whenever you handed him something, how warm they were when you held his face in your hands and scolded him for being reckless. He remembered it vividly.

What would you say if you saw him now? The exhaustion in his face, the blankness in his eyes, the way his- his hands were... trembling?

He could hear your voice, clear as day.

"Gojo - san! What happened to you!"

"You should really take care of yourself more, what were you thinking?"

"I don't care if you're one of the strongest! You're a teenager. Right now, you're just Satoru, and you're going to learn to be kinder to yourself. You- you don't deserve this."

What did Satoru deserve? Was it really kindness? Care? Gentleness? Love? He had messed up. If he had been stronger, he could have saved you. If he had been stronger, you wouldn't be dead in his arms.

What was the point of awakening his powers when they weren't there when it mattered? What was the point of being the strongest if he couldn't protect the people he cared about? The people he loved?

What made matters worse was finding out the higher-ups were happy you were gone. The people that had singlehandedly been the cause for his suffering. His. Suguru's. Shoko's. Yours. Those filthy old bags who only thought of themselves.

What would really happened if he killed them all? Would it really be such a bad thing? Weren't they supposed to be the pillars of the Jujutsu world? The elders for people to look up to and learn from. A symbol of hope, something, anything even remotely positive, beneficial to the future of the young next generation of Jujutsu Sorcerors?

All they had done was applaud the death of someone innocent. A teenager. A child. How dare these self-righteous ba-

Your hand falls from the covers of the white sheet, hanging limply.

Satoru's brain goes blank. A pale arm, an empty hand, and familiar phosphophyllite fingernails.

"No need. It's meaningless." Suguru's voice is low, as if the reality that you're gone hasn't hit him yet. His eyes linger on your hand. The palm that patted his back, the fingers that ran through his hair, the hand that was so warm in his.

Before he can stop himself, he finds his own hand grasping it. It's cold. He drops it like the contact physically hurt him.

"Without the higher-ups, the Jujutsu world will go up in flames. And even if they die, there's the possibility even worse people will come into power. Killing them won't bring her back either."

His words don't make sense, even to him, but Suguru utters them nonetheless. The look in Satoru's eye is enough to tell him that if he doesn't do anything, today will mark the beginning of a massacre. And although he feels the same anger Satoru does, Suguru's moral compass, as well as his understanding of the type of person you are... stops him.

"Meaning... huh?" Satoru repeats.

The Satoru in front of him is not the Satoru Suguru knows. The playful, snarky, overburdened boy replaced by something else. Something unfamiliar. Something... cold.

"Do we need that?"

Suguru hesitates for a split second. The girl in Satoru's arms is just as unfamiliar. A bubbly, bright, kind girl replaced by something else. Something unfamiliar. Something... almost sinful. A shell. An empty shell. The existence it harboured long gone. A disgrace to the being it had once been.

"Yeah. It's very important... for sorcerors."

Your corpse wouldn't decompose. The crystallisation forming a perfect seal to your body, and perhaps that's why they can't bring themselves to immediately bury you.

Clinging onto the false hope that perhaps you'd wake up, bounce back like always. Familiar head of teal hair poking over Suguru's shoulder, a second softer set of footsteps padding behind Satoru's, a warm hand flinching at the touch of Shoko's cold ones.

It's sickening. How quiet everything has become in your absence. How the shadows seem darker due to the absence of your light.

Perhaps you wouldn't know it, but your death was beneficial in a way. Suguru spiralled into depression but your words of the past kept him strong, and somehow, he managed to graduate with Satoru and Shoko.

They left an empty seat between them at graduation. Your certificate is still in Shoko's office to this day.

Your warnings and nagging that reminded everyone of their mother saved Haibara's life. You had always told them to never accept missions alone, and it was thanks to your words ringing in his head that Nanami became paranoid while Haibara was out on a mission. This led to him going out to check on Haibara and ended in him saving his life.

It was almost idealistic how almost everyone graduated that year. A rare thing in the Jujutsu World to have so many young people survive.

Satoru jokes its because you took on the unwanted burden and closed the gates of Heaven yourself. You always did. Eating the bitter parts of his food that he didn't like, letting everyone choose first when Yaga gave you rewards, not touching your food until everyone had started eating. You always took on the unpleasantries so that everyone else could live without knowing suffering.

Why did everyone deserve happiness except for you?

Why did everyone deserve to live except for you?

"Gojo - Sensei."

"So even Sensei sleeps, huh?"

"Of course he does. What kind of nonsense is that?"

Satoru's eyelids flutter. He pulls up his blindfold, his vision coming into focus as he sees a blurry image of his students.

For a split moment, he's in high school again. He's in his second year, and he's sleeping before class. He hears soft footsteps approach him. Feels someone lean down near him, but he's not scared. Not even annoyed.

Rather, he plays dumb and waits in anticipation. There's butterflies bursting in his chest, a smile pulling at his face that's hidden in his arms. Smirking at the familiar scent of yuzu and caramel engulfing his senses. He'd chosen it, after all.

"Gojo - san? Wake up, class is about to start."

"Gojo - sensei!"

But when his visions focuses fully, he realises it's been 12 years and his beloved students have visited his office.

"Oh, he's awake!"

There's a red rim to Satoru's eyes, but it's almost unnoticeable. He smiles before pulling his blindfold back down.

"Please don't fall asleep after summoning us all here." Megumi states.

Satoru stands up, and Yuji and Nobara are quick to fight over who gets to sit on his chair.

"What are you smiling about?"

It's today. By 4 that morning, Satoru had found himself sat in front of a familiar grave. He was always the first to visit. He brings a bouquet of white heliotrope and places it on the grave. He crouches in front of it, his blindfold tucked away in his pocket.

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Y/n. Happy Birthday to you."

If there's one thing Satoru wishes, it's that he was able to tell you his feelings truthfully while you were still alive. It's unhealthy, but he finds himself uttering the same three words on every occasion to a stone in the ground.

If only he could have seen your pretty face while he uttered them in person.

Satoru doesn't know if he believes in the afterlife, but he hopes you're listening. And maybe, just maybe, you're screaming at the top of your lungs, repeating the words in hopes he'd somehow hear.

"It's nothing."

A lie. Because deep down, Satoru knows he's thinking about a certain place, a certain person.

Maybe in his next life, he can finally go home to you.

#houseki no kuni #jjk angst #jjk x hnk crossover #land of the lustrous #phos!reader #catharsis #hnk x reader #jjk #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen #platonic getou suguru #gojo satoru x reader #jjk gojo #gojo x reader #gojo satoru angst

[sirfrogsworth]

The Pretty Average Trump Trauma

I really picked the wrong week to have a controversial post go viral.

The appeal deadline for my disability case is very soon and we just recently got the last of the medical records. My lawyer can get very busy and hard to reach. And I have been freaking out trying to get a hold of him to make sure everything is ready to be submitted. Thankfully he just emailed and said everything is on track and will be sent in for the appeal.

But having this weighing on me behind the scenes while also dealing with the blowback from my "vote for Biden" post caused me to enter into some unhealthy arguments and lose my temper on several occasions.

I didn't actually think about what would happen if that post went viral. Sometimes I write things and a hundred people see it, and it serves as a catharsis because I was able to get my thoughts and fears out of my brain.

And sometimes it gets reblogged 6000 times and I can forget I have a platform where that happens from time to time.

I wish I had written a better initial post. I think my thoughts in subsequent posts, along with the inclusion of what I think is a better strategy, would have gone a long way to help people understand my point of view. Looking back, that original post feels incomplete.

The post that ended up going viral was not inspired by reason or logic and it was never really meant to convince anyone of anything.

I thought I was preaching to the choir.

It was a representation of my fears. It was the result of two years of panic and trauma from the pandemic which ended in my mother's horrible death.

Let me explain...

On November 9th, Shaun, a YouTuber I respect, posted this.

And it scared the hell out of me.

A very popular leftist with a huge platform wrote this to 5 million people and I freaked out.

Shaun wasn't necessarily saying not to vote for Biden at the time. But he thinks people should all say they won't vote for him unless he calls for a ceasefire. I get the strategy. But I feared that nuance would be lost on many people and they would only see it as "don't vote for Biden... no matter what." Which was an accurate prediction on my part. The guy from Eve 6 has been going nuance-free for weeks now.

The one thing I greatly disagree with Shaun about is this...

Before the pandemic, I might have understood his argument. For the first two years, Trump was mostly an ineffectual goof. He had trouble getting a lot of his worst ideas to manifest. Most of the border wall he built ended up being repairs of existing barriers. And Obama droned civilians and kept kids in cages too—though Trump kept them in cages indefinitely and made up a rule that we can't actually know how many civilians he was droning.

So, a lot of the same, but turned up to 11.

But nothing about the pandemic response was pretty average.

There is something I have been choosing not to say during all of these discussions. I felt like saying it would be poor timing. I was worried people wouldn't actually agree with me. I worried it would make people think I was turning suffering into a competition. I didn't want to make it look like I valued certain lives over others. But then people accused me of all of that anyway. I was called evil and a collaborator and a supporter of genocide.

So I'm going to talk about it. Because the fact that few have mentioned it in these discussions has been bothering me. And the fact that the majority of society does not mention it makes me feel very alone in this belief.

I have long believed Trump and the majority of US conservatives committed a genocide of the disabled and elderly. I was never really comfortable calling it that word. I wasn't really sure how a genocide got classified as such. So I would just say things like, "40% of people who died during COVID should still be alive" and "Trump is responsible for hundreds of thousands of COVID deaths" and "Trump killed my mom" and hoping people would make the connection or at least see it as mass murder. I mean, this country judges everything by how many "9/11s" something is, but not the pandemic?

Donald Trump was the leader of the Republican party. When he refused to wear a mask due to vanity, his followers looked for something to excuse him. And I feel that directly birthed the "masks don't work" movement among conservatives. Donald Trump, having enormous influence among his acolytes, refused to correct this dangerous rhetoric. And he probably welcomed the cover so he could continue going maskless and not smear his makeup—even after he nearly died.

It is my belief this was the beginning of a genocide of apathy, deliberate and accidental incompetence, and non-compliance. And the reason for that non-compliance was not freedom as many claimed.

Conservatives did not like being inconvenienced.

They didn't like having to consider others.

And if competence requires effort and vigilance, they'd prefer doing the bare minimum.

Trump was famous for not filling vital administrative positions in the executive branch. Not only that, his turnover rate was 5 times higher than previous administrations. People were asked to do the job of several people because they didn't staff properly, and so those people quit. Thus creating a cycle of inexperienced new-hires that were out of their depth and asked to do much more than they bargained for. There is no way they could succeed in their jobs.

I think people forget that part of the role of the executive is the day-to-day boring administrative shit that is required to run a country. And when this day-to-day work isn't valued, it creates a crisis of incompetence. Which then creates things like not enough tests, not enough testing, Trump saying "if you don't test, it doesn't count", botched vaccine rollouts, rampant misinformation, poor education of the populace, and abysmal improvised press conferences where the President does a quick riff on injecting bleach.

This competence aspect is one of the hugest reliefs I had with the Biden administration. Not Biden. Not his policies. I'm talking about the regular workers getting shit done. This is the reason I am desperate to get my shit worked out with Social Security before the election. I once called Social Security during the pandemic and I literally got a recording saying to try calling back the next month.

Trump didn't care. People criticized him for not hiring people. He was aware of the problem. He just did nothing about it. And many conservatives praised him for "trimming the fat" or whatever. This idea that all of these government workers were useless burdens on the taxpayer fell apart during the pandemic.

There is incompetence caused by ignorance but it can also be a deliberate act. Trump was extraordinary in all forms of incompetence. He wasn't qualified to manage a pandemic. But he could have easily appointed experts and then gotten out of the way. But his narcissism would not let him cede power to anyone. He has always been convinced "only Trump can save you" and so his ego helped kill nearly half a million people.

Once the incompetence ball got rolling, that's when malicious apathy reared its ugly head. It was time to choose who they cared least about dying—who they felt was most useless. Conservatives decided it was time to devalue lives and start making sacrifices to save politicians' money laundering fronts small businesses.

Popular conservatives were going on TV and saying it was okay if Grandma died. It would be a worthy sacrifice to protect our freedoms.

The Lt. Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, basically offered up the elderly for sacrifice all while claiming that he spoke for them and was also willing to die. Though I don't take his personal willingness very seriously, since he has the money and resources to get the best medical care and probably had no expectation he was in any danger.

“No one reached out to me and said, ‘As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?’ But if they had? If that is the exchange, I’m all in. So my message is let’s get back to work. Those of us who are 70-plus, we’ll take care of ourselves.”

But you cannot just sacrifice the elderly. You may justify it by saying they have lived a long life, but many of the same health risks were shared by the disabled. Many of whom still had normal lifespans, but just needed extra care and protection.

There are countless elderly who cannot "take care of themselves" but they are still of value to our society. They are still loved. They watch and teach their grandchildren. They are the keepers of the family stories. They bake cookies and give you two dollar bills. They have random bowls of butterscotch all throughout their house.

But some need help. Some are sick. Some can't drive. Some can't walk. I guarantee not all of them were prepared to die for the cause.

And none deserved to die for a sports bar.

Oh, didn't I mention?

Dan Patrick owned a chain of sports bars that were losing money from the lockdowns. Did you really think he was sacrificing old folks "for the children"?

Thankfully Dan's sports bars are gonna be okay. He ended up receiving a $179,000 PPP loan... that was forgiven.

Then they started saying COVID deaths weren't COVID deaths.

"Well, they had a bad heart." "They were obese." "They had cancer."

They dropped the elderly excuse and began to openly devalue the disabled as well. If you were sick, what good were you? They considered us the next sacrifices for their convenience. If we wanted to survive, we shouldn't have gotten sick. It didn't matter that we could survive for years or even have a normal lifespan as long as we were protected by our communities.

And then began the non-compliance.

Trump's followers ignored masks and lockdowns and eventually vaccines. They were unwilling to protect the vulnerable and so many of us just... died.

Again, 40% of the US COVID deaths could have been prevented. Hundreds of thousands of people should still be here. Malicious apathy, incompetence, and non-compliance were the direct cause of this genocide.

The United Nations Genocide Convention identified 5 acts that typically constitute genocide. Only one act is required and in the pandemic 3 of the 5 acts happened.

Killing members of a group. Causing members of a group serious bodily harm. Imposing living conditions on that group that would destroy them.

I'm looking at that third one just now and realizing why we have advocates to remind us of vulnerable groups that need protection. I was thinking about how the elderly and disabled were trapped in hyper-contagious nursing homes and care facilities, but I completely forgot about prisons and the concentration camps at the borders.

I am not trying to diminish the awful things happening in Palestine right now. This is not a comparison of suffering—but a reminder. When a current terrible thing is happening, it can be hard to focus on anything else. But I do wish more people recognized what happened as a genocide and that the leader of that genocide, the one with the power to stop it, was Donald Trump. If we are going to base this voting decision entirely on acts of genocide, why is this not part of the consideration?

It is an awful moral calculus we have to figure out. One president is supporting and asking for funding for a genocide and I feel the other was the direct cause of another genocide. That's why I said both choices sucked. And the only way I could resolve this moral calculation was by asking what path would cause the least harm for everyone involved.

And the most disappointing aspect of all of these debates was the ableism. People told me if Trump was elected and I lost my benefits I should grow my own food and learn about medicine. They said I valued disabled lives above those in Gaza. They told me to imagine myself in Nazi Germany as a collaborator despite the fact I would have been euthanized.

But I felt like they weren't considering the disabled at all.

I am a disability advocate. So of course I am going to remind people to consider us in their voting decisions. But I'm tired of hearing I value lives differently just because I speak on behalf of a vulnerable group more often. I'm tired of continually having to justify my existence. And I'm tired of people dismissing the very real trauma caused by Trump.

It was not pretty average.

I'd like to tell you the full story of my mother's passing. All of the details. Even the ones I can't bear to type. But this isn't just my story. This is the story of countless others who had to watch their loved ones slowly die behind glass or over the phone or on an iPad.

I spent two years in constant anxiety trying to protect my two very sick parents. It was always assumed that my father was the most at risk. And that he was probably going to die long before my mother. But she had started a treatment for her psoriatic arthritis that turned the volume down on her immune system. Something that would normally not be a huge risk... but a pandemic changed that. A vaccine needs a functioning immune system to protect someone.

She could either accept the agony of stopping treatment or risk getting COVID. If people would have been willing to protect her, it would have been an easier choice. And she would still be around today. And I wouldn't have to worry about being homeless right now.

I don't know for sure when she was infected. I kept her inside as much as possible. But she needed those treatments and we had to pile into a crowded waiting room every time. And I remember a man in his fifties who seemed preoccupied with having to wear a mask. And when he thought no one was looking, he'd pull it down below his nose. A few days later she was being taken away in an ambulance.

A few weeks before my mother died, she called me on the phone. She was heavily medicated and they had two different breathing devices assisting her. The nurse was holding the phone up to her ear and she was trying to speak over the volume of the air rushing into her face from the masks. I could not hear her no matter how loud she yelled. So she asked the nurse to take the masks off for just a second so we could talk.

Her only concern was for my father. We all contracted COVID and she was so worried he would end up just like her. Thankfully the vaccine worked for him and he was okay at that moment. But she kept yelling, "Is Dad okay? Is Dad okay?" And I kept trying to tell her he was fine, but she was hard of hearing and the phone could not be held very close to her ear.

Unfortunately, the yelling made it harder and harder for her to breathe. She started gasping for air. The nurse kept insisting she put the breathing equipment back on, but my mom refused. "I want to talk to my son! I need to talk to my son!"

I knew there wasn't much we could do to communicate. And so I kept trying to yell "I love you, Mom. Everyone is fine. I love you!" I then asked the nurse to tell her that. And when she finally understood what I was saying, she burst into tears.

Her oxygen levels were getting dangerously low and she was fighting the nurse. And she just yelled out, "I'm so scared! I think I'm going to die! Tell Dad I'm sorry I can't take care of him! I don't want to die!" She kept repeating that over and over. The nurse had no choice and had to put the masks back on. My mom screamed and shouted "No! Please no! That's my son!"

And those were the last words I ever heard from my mother.

Gasping for air. Scared of dying. Worried about her family.

This moment has intrusively popped into my brain on a regular basis since it happened. It happens when I'm awake. It happens in my dreams. I have no control over it. I just have to keep experiencing it like it is happening for the first time.

After I saw that tweet from Shaun and then many others expressing the same thing (without the strategic aspect), my dread and trauma resurfaced with a vengeance. I've been reliving my mom's final words in my dreams. That moment keeps popping into my head. I feared the man I feel is most responsible for my mother's death may regain power and kill me and the last of the family I have left.

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over. What if there is another public health emergency? What happens to my trans friends if he turns the US into Florida and Texas? What will happen to the migrants at the border?

All I have is my two best friends. Katrina is gay and Delling is trans and disabled. All of us are vulnerable.

I wrote that post to help deal with the nightmares. Writing is part of my coping process. I didn't really expect it to go super viral. I just needed to get that out of my brain. But when people pushed back and started calling me evil and a collaborator and that I was valuing my life above those in Palestine, all with a huge heap of ableism, I found myself unable to let it go and not respond. I couldn't choose the healthy thing and step away.

While I feel I made some good arguments and put forth some solid ideas for other ways to handle this, I also got angry and lost my temper and stayed in arguments for way too long—all to my mental detriment.

My little world felt like it was collapsing and the world at large also felt like it was collapsing. I had personal horrors in my mind mixing with the horrors of this global conflict.

It was too much.

I don't regret what I posted. Many felt the same as I do. And I think my subsequent posts did a good job of expanding on my thoughts while also offering hope for alternate solutions.

But I do regret the timing and I wish I hadn't lost my temper. Especially in a reply I left with a lot of cussing.

People might disagree but I am hoping that people can understand the fear and trauma that influences my point of view.

I am actually willing to risk quite a lot to protect other people. Even people in faraway lands I don't know.

But I refuse to offer up the vulnerable to be sacrificed if it won't actually help anyone. That's what a Texas Lt. Governor would do.

#trigger warning #death mention #genocide mention

[machinesbleedtoo]

Cluster B personality disorders are manageable, actually

it's always really awkward trying to explain to people how i manage antisocial + narcissistic personality disorder well. people have a really hard time wrapping their head around the concept that We Are People and like any disorder, we can manage it with help. there's this belief that if you're a narcissist or a psychopath you're unworthy of love and a lost cause, which is what made me a monster in the first place. other people kept telling me to just be empathetic, to stop being a dick, etc; i didn't know what that meant, and so i decided other people were the problem because they did nothing but explode at me for what i thought was no reason because no one helped me understand the reason. I was meant to just "know".

i was diagnosed retroactively at 20-fucking-7, when i'd started to work out how to live like a normal person (very patient and loving friends were to blame for that). when i was thirty years old, a psychiatrist said to me: "you obviously have feelings, what do they look like for you? how do they feel?" - i didn't know how to answer him. other people had convinced me i didn't have feelings for most of my life. which is part of why i was a callous bastard - it did not help then (but it does now for the most part) that i'm really good at compartmentalization. it took me a good number of years to know how to answer his question.

i have feelings, yes; we all do. we'd be dead otherwise. they're what drive us to act on things, and the neurotransmitters that work on emotions work on physical functions as well. this assumption about a person is not an excuse to abuse them. it's no excuse to treat them like a catharsis piñata. you could be a monster, too, under the same circumstances as i or anyone who has these disorders far worse than i do.

but it's really hard for me to read myself. it takes a lot more of a feeling for it to break the surface than is normal, and i was never taught to identify what a feeling is catered to my own uniqueness (something everyone should be afforded).

and i have a disconnect between physical and emotional reactions - i didn't think i felt disgust, because i don't get a visceral response to gross things. a lot of my emotions are just different shades of anger. if something disgusts me i get an angry "get the fuck away from me" feeling, i don't gag or whatever. it does set off my diagnosed OCD in some instances, which adds anxiety to the mix.

so i'd do things like be mega stressed and not feel it, then explode outwards like a neurotic control freak because i had no idea what my limits were. or how to solve the problem i was presently facing. i had to train myself to notice the signs in my thought patterns, rather than my body.

it turns out emotional empathy is based on context; how am i supposed to react "normally" to people when i don't know what "normal" is? i used to do some awful things to people when they were experiencing fear because i didn't understand it. i thought it was quaint. in the words of a friend, i was "sciencing the shit out of the situation." i didn't get answers or understand how people worked the healthy way, so i resorted to my own measures (which, of course, did not give me the answers i sought either.)

i have a hard time telling positive and negative emotions apart, which is good in some ways - i just let myself feel things. but the feelings last not very long. and are usually delayed. i'm unable to consent to things as a 34 year old adult normally, because when presented with something i don't care, which does not mean i want it. and because i don't care, i don't know it's a "maybe" at the time. when something bad happens to me it takes me a long time to even realize, and i can't purge it. this is my burden to bear - other people cannot read my mind. but a mental breakdown would be cathartic.

to deal with this botched brain of mine, i recognize it has strengths too. i raised a very well behaved cat, because i am more uncompromising than she is. and she is not afraid when i take her to the vet, because i am a source of emotional stability for her; i'm not reactive, so it calms her. i am able to Persist doing things that are unpleasant like trimming her ass hair, and she's allowed to vent - scratch, yell, bite - and i stay Null and it's over and she doesn't hide or run away because a) she was allowed to express the discomfort b) it was over quickly, which it wouldn't be if i let her carrying on make me stop the ordeal.

i am able to spot an anxious person from across the room. i was exploited a lot when i was young, and so it felt natural to exploit other people in vulnerable positions - something i mistakenly thought i was incapable of. i was always so good at spotting them with this predator brain of mine.

but i started to instead ask those people if they are okay. at first it felt insincere and bad and stupid because i wasn't Allowed to show care for other people, because psychopaths don't do that, because it's always mean spirited or fake when they do. but it became a habit. and it became normal. and it became a strength of mine. i do it because it's the right thing to do - i don't personally have to feel emotional about it for that to be real.

i am able to admit mistakes and apologize because i know when i need to, since my brain cycles through a narcissism spiral, and it's like -- bitch if you're reacting that severely you know you're wrong. it was another thing that sucked and felt insincere to begin with, but with practice it got easier. and with practice it caused me less discomfort. when my brain says arrogant things i respond with citation needed. my neuroscience education certainly helps with my perspective reorientation too.

i'm heavily medicated for these disorders + ADHD + OCD, which helps curb the anger and impulsiveness. i am really good at working with people now - these things being managed and my clinical nonplussed nature makes communication easy. i am able to de-escalate situations well, too.

i've had people apologize for crying, but i was so focused on listening to them i didn't notice - so they didn't have to feel bad about it. because i don't care that they're crying. i care about them. an intellectual sense of care is something everyone carries; it's what makes us choose to be patient, to listen, to mitigate the damage emotional reactivity can cause.

i have high cognitive empathy; i might not react to the emotional state of another person, but i know that my read on the situation will be inaccurate. so i simply ask them what they need, without assumption. this is something i wish more people were able to do. i get very uncomfortable with platitudes, personally - because i just can't relate to them at all and i feel pressured to Perform emotionally. that's just one example of different needs.

there's a lot more i could write about here - and i'm not really sure why i decided to write this now. i guess because the world is very painful lately, and these disorders get used as insults, as armchair diagnoses of people we don't like. there's a myriad of ways to be an asshole. maybe don't contribute to the problem of neglect that creates monsters like the one i could have become.

i am no longer 'a psychopath' because i no longer score on the checklist. but i carry these disorders with me, and i will forever, and i'm grateful that there were people in my life despite it all that loved me anyway.

a disclaimer:

i'd hazard against self-diagnosing these things; you might be on the autism spectrum (most of my close friends are, because we compliment eachother quite well in how our brains work), or have psycopathy-like traits during manic episodes, or have a lack of empathy because of apathy. you might have alexithymia from other causes. etc. i was assessed by both a psychiatrist with a criminology degree and one specializing in personality disorders.

#psychopath #aspd #actually npd #mental health

[quinloki]

hello, sorry if this is too real of an ask if you're not feeling too well recently, but I've been meaning to ask if you have any advice when it comes to tackling really dark topics in fanfics?? I've been meaning to write a darkfic with the Kid pirates main 4 as slasher movie villains (think Jason Voorhees vibes) with a touch of yandere tendencies, so there's not gonna be a lot of comfort/fluff in this fic. this is naturally gonna be hard to write especially when it comes to wanting to write dark and disturbing scenes without wanting to glorify or romanticise abusive behavior or stockholm syndrome, not to mention not wanting to upset or trigger survivors, especially as one myself, so any advice would be lovely. thank you ^-^

I’m going to start this off with what I think should be your most important takeaway from this:

It’s okay to romanticize abuse in fiction.

It’s okay to romanticize horror, murder, etc. etc. in fiction.

Fiction is where we can do the really uncomfortable stuff. Where we can explore the darks part of existing, because it’s good to be able to go “I connect with this and I should consider why.” Or “this brings me comfort, how can I break that down?” Stuff like that.

Sometimes it helps us realize a view or understanding we had that we thought was good is inherently flawed. (I am reminded of viewers being very angry when they realized the character in The Boys they connected with was *not* a good guy and did not get redeemed.)

What we have to be careful about is not condoning such themes in reality.

Horror movies and books go into deep dark territory all the time, but often hobby writers can be held to odd standards by comparison, which gets a bit frustrating at times.

How to avoid that AND present dark fic properly?

On Ao3 and tumblr just tag your story - character death, gore, stalking, Stockholm syndrome, abuse, toxic relationship, dubcon, noncon as applicable, excessive descriptions of blood and gore, etc.

You don’t have to get specific - you don’t have to say who dies/survives. You can admit to “this has a bad end” if you want - I had a webcomic warn me about that and it was NOT kidding.

Some responsibility is on the writer for dark fic, yes, but honestly that’s just in terms of being sure you label it well. Avoiding and heeding those tags is solely on the reader - as long as you didn’t, say, write about disarticulation in exacting detail without warning “excessive descriptions of blood and gore”.

You can put additional warnings in the summary, or even as a heads up before a particularly intense chapter.

And, you’re not going to be perfect. If someone says “hey can you add [x] tag?” Be open to it - but don’t add any and every tag requested - sometimes people can be demanding in tag requests and you have the right to decide where the line really is.

For example someone might ask that you add a tag involving eye-trauma. It’s a squick of mine, people getting injured on, in, around their eyes, and I wouldn’t be upset with a heads up - but I also think it’s covered under warnings of gore.

Someone might ask that you tag a specific character’s death - personally? I wouldn’t. “Character death” is enough. “Slasher/horror” honestly should really be enough cause even though I don’t watch horror movies I have a keen understanding that you do not get attached to characters in a horror story.

As long as you hit the broad strokes, I think that’s enough. The idea is that no one wants to walk into a slasher when they were expecting fluff.

As for taking care of ourselves as writers while we write dark content, that’s harder to give advice on. I really have to be in a steady frame of mind to write dark stuff, but if I know there’s vindication in there somewhere it’s much easier. (There’s a stalker in A Light Touch that gets his due and as someone who has had more than 6, it was cathartic to write.)

But sometimes there’s catharsis in the bad guy winning too. You’ve got to understand those lines for yourself - I can’t really give you advice cause it’s so different for everyone. But listen to yourself.

If it feels like a slog, leave it.

If it’s not getting out of your mind, write it.

You’re not “weird” if you write your darkest shit when you’re happiest, or vice versa. What you need to do is just keep an eye on yourself - there is no world in which you should suffer in order to write “good dark content”.

For better or worse, that’s the best advice I have - I hope it’s helped ^_^

#quin answers #quin muses #writing advice

[sitp-recs]

I just want to pick up a fic where harry isn't needlessly cruel to draco in an attempt to make him worthy of any love because of past canonical events. Especially when draco is painstakingly written to have worked so, so hard to change?I am so tired. And ridiculously triggered because you CAN'T filter these out 😔🙏... How do i refine my reading experience? There are no tags for this. The scenes just lie buried in fics. And i have spent so much TIME getting through long fics only for draco to be treated so poorly. It's such a common occurence! Or harry doing something really fucked up without consequence and draco being so accepting because he feels guilt. Like a casual use of veritaserum and then asking really invasive questions outside of what they agreed to be asking each other in what was supposed to be a safe space for the both of them. Or harry just sometimes casually being violent or angry in a way not necessarily part of the narrative... it's just something he does?

I'm not averse to harry with anger and trauma, this is why Balance, Imperfect, Heal Thyself, and A Sword Laid Aside are such treasured reads to me. It's just that they make sense...

So much of the fandom's fics will have something like this... like a really crude violation of draco's boundaries in popularly "wholesome" fics as a stepping stone for the romance. As them getting to know each other? But it really isn't that though... is it.I'm sorry, it's just NOT my thing. I don't know how to filter such things out. How do i keep a respectful distance away from such fics?

I respect the catharsis people find and seek with such scenes and pieces!! They're perfectly valid. I used to be just fine with such a relationship dynamic because they are undeniably good reads. And again, cathartic to see draco on the other end of the stick. But life just happens and somethings i can't enjoy anymore. I just don't know how I'm supposed to navigate my way around them.

Do you have authors that write these two with a more balanced perspective? Or maybe fics that deal with their hurt and pain and trauma with consideration but doesn't end up feeling like either harry or draco have to hurt the other more?

Also, l think you're one hell of an archivist and librarian when it comes to fics. Do you have any tips on how i can find the stories for me and peacefully navigate the ocean of fiction within the drarry tag?

Hi anon! I think I’ve received a shorter version of this ask a while ago but can’t for the life of me find my response so I’m not sure if I’ve already done a specific rec list for you. I love those long fics you mentioned, they all have excellent character arcs.

I totally understand where you’re coming from because I share the sentiment - and I’m pretty sure I know which fic you’re referring to re: the invasive Veritaserum scene. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time trying to filter those scenes out. As you said, they’re buried deep within the fics and to be honest I don’t think there’s an easy way to tag them, because characterization is very subjective and creators might see this topic differently. I might not come off as someone picky because I read and rec lots of stuff but I’m particularly sensitive when it comes to emotional imbalance in fic - I don’t enjoy characters being mean for the sake of it or taking advantage of another character written as meek/pitiful, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth so I try to avoid those if I can. Now I think about it, this might be one of the reasons why I’ve shifted away from long “redemption arc” fics and have been reading more “friends to lovers” and shorts recently, as I find them more emotionally satisfying. Hmm 🤔

Unfortunately I can’t offer any tips in terms of tag filtering - I think that would be extremely difficult and frustrating, especially if you find it triggering. If I were in your shoes I’d solely rely on rec lists made by people in whom I trust and crated within those parameters. Or just avoid the redemption arc altogether and focus on fics where they’re already in friendly terms? I wish I could help more because even a rec list would eventually end and chances are you’ve already read all the ones I have in mind. Let’s see if my followers have any interesting tips that might be helpful in this situation!

PS: some author suggestions I can think off the top of my head are firethesound, tackytiger, blamebrampton, Writcraft, thestarryknight, bixgirl, astolat, Omi_Ohmy, aibidil, shiftylinguini

#asks #anon #drarry

[cookinguptales]

capribornio said: From my own personal perspective? Write it. Lots of people have complicated feelings about the end of s5, and it might help others to process them. And it would definitely help you, I think.

--------

Complicated is a good word for it... Like there are parts that I find interesting and parts that I enjoyed and parts I would like to explore more but like. Let's just say I wrote a very long rant here and then deleted all of it.

(but the rant did come out in the end, so I'm putting this under a cut)

But I guess, fic-wise... It's hard for me to write something in direct opposition to what canon has said re: Guillermo's desires and motivations, but I also find that reveal to be completely unsatisfying when paired with... literally every event of the series thus far. I found the ending of the season to be so deeply unsatisfying that it... honestly kind of killed my love for the show a little. Even the past seasons. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch a single episode since the finale aired. It doesn't feel fun anymore. I know I'll bounce back eventually, but right now I still feel so frustrated. I worry that I might feel that way until I see how s6 shakes out, at this point.

So... when I think about writing a fic, all I can do is feel that sense of... things not being finished, I guess. That sense of dissatisfaction. Like I can write a version of nandermo that is still largely canon compliant, but that version of nandermo will be just as dissatisfying as the show has been. I can't build to catharsis that doesn't exist. I can't bring together all the things the characters have done thus far to a satisfying and logical conclusion because the show didn't do that. This last season pretty much said that all of the character motivations we've had thus far didn't amount to a hill of shit, so like... how do I write something satisfying using stuff from the entire series when the writers completely ignored a lot of that early canon in s5?

So whenever I think about writing for them now... the end of the fic is not cathartic. It feels like things are okay for now but are doomed to failure eventually.

I guess... as far as the show goes, I'm not at the point where like. I have lost all hope in it. I'm really, really hoping that they fix some of this in s6, as much as is possible. Like... some things I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to move past, but I'm hoping they at least find some other way to make Guillermo truly supernatural and comfortable in his own (deadly!!!) power. Like at least give me fucking that, otherwise what the fuck are we even doing here.

At least give me confirmation that Guillermo de la Cruz does not actually see vampiric life as being worth less than human life, because it's starting to feel an awful lot like he thinks murdering vampires is fine but murdering humans isn't because vampiric life is intrinsically less valuable than human life. And therefore his human friends and family matter more than the family they keep telling us he's been building with the vampires.

At least!!! Understand that after using the vampiric world as a very thinly veiled metaphor for queerness and being socially othered for four and a half seasons! It feels awful for your queer and/or socially othered audience to see the only protagonist with a choice actively choose the mainstream world instead! Because he understands now that the vampiric world is just too ~gross and terrible~ for him!

Like we can never get back s5 and have a version of it without massive plot holes and character decisions that make no fucking sense (especially Laszlo, christ) but the writers still have the ability to give me those things, I guess, if they actually! want to!

I'm sorry I literally cannot talk about this without ranting lmao. It's frustrating because a lot of Nandor's thoughts and feelings about Guillermo's changing are fascinating and I'd love to explore them. I think they're generally pretty IC. I like thinking about him believing that Guillermo could never be a vampire because he's too sweet, and him believing that he morally can't turn Guillermo because Guillermo would hate it, and him believing that he can never truly be with Guillermo because Guillermo's not actually cut out for their world -- and will thus die probably centuries before Nandor will.

But god, the fact that s5 tells us that Nandor's right when everything in the first few seasons shows us that he's wrong is so fucking frustrating. It's like they forgot that Guillermo de la Cruz was one of the most interesting and complicated and downright vicious characters on television while simultaneously being adorably endearing. The flattening of his characterization that we've seen happen steadily over the past few seasons has culminated in this, us being told with a straight face that Guillermo de la Cruz can't handle killing humans and has somehow never realized that he'd have to do that in order to be a vampire. He's too?? Nice?????? Guillermo de la Cruz, whom we've seen mock humans for being sad and lonely as he leads them to their deaths and then dismembers their bodies. Too empathetic to feed on a human!

Fucking! okay!

I actually always kind of suspected that he wouldn't become a vampire with the others, at least not exactly the same kind. I'm not actually upset about that. I'm upset that he actively rejected that world, not because he could be something better and more interesting on his own, but because he didn't have the stomach for it. I always thought he'd realize that he's too strong to be just a basic-ass vampire, not that he'd realize he's too weak.

Seeing Guillermo build his own strength for several seasons only for them to tell us at the last minute that no, he is actually too weak just like they'd always mocked him as being, feels fucking insulting. Guillermo, after stubbornly wresting his power from the jaws of mediocrity with his own two hands, willingly giving it up--! Because he couldn't handle the life.

fuck, man.

This wasn't Guillermo realizing that he's stronger without vampirism. This is him just... being defanged again, both literally and metaphorically, just like they've been systematically doing for... honestly, since the showrunner change, really. S3 was fun and I enjoyed it, but now I can see the fucking writing on the wall. They never intended to let that man kill indiscriminately again, and I hate that. They're just going to keep taking away his power and his backbone and have him get kicked around again and again Freddie-style until we all die I guess. Because I guess they think that's funnier and easier to write.

I don't even know what to make of it all. It's so diametrically opposed to everything I found interesting about the character. The first few seasons were all about weirdos living in a normal human world. The humor was mostly derived from, like, a vampire trying to figure out the DMV. And Guillermo was finding that he was much less of a "straight man" to their weirdness as he thought. That he was being thrust into a wild and powerful world that he couldn't control, until he could. Until he found his own power and used it to devastating effect. He killed so many people in s2.

But as the show has progressed, as they swapped showrunners, as the focus has changed to exploring a much more supernatural world, Guillermo has been getting more and more "normal". He really is becoming more of the straight man. He almost never kills anymore, and when he does, it's solely out of direct protection that he can find no other way out of. He keeps trying to be responsible, to be caring, to be fair, and nothing else. Who gives a shit about that? Let the man kill a room full of people again. Let him throw a fit because the vampires didn't kill a victim he brought to them. Let him manipulate innocents into an early grave solely because it suits his own selfish needs.

Like damn, where's the man I remember who could be feral and selfish and sweet and caring all at once? What is this "too kind to be a vampire" bullshit? Was it just too hard for them to keep writing a character who was so complex and had so many contradictions? Did they think they had to make him suddenly feel conflicted about killing so they could justify his sweetness? Like Guillermo hasn't always managed to do both? What's even the point of giving him these powers, of having an arc where he comes to accept these powers, if you never let him truly use them anymore?

fuck

The entire time I was watching s5, I wanted to write a fic where they all get dosed with some kind of sex potion and Nandor and Guillermo have a lot of sex while thinking they have no choice for ages before finding out that it wore off weeks ago. And Guillermo finding out the truth and, like... I wanted to use him having that terrible knowledge that could destroy the relationship they'd been building to mirror the other secrets Guillermo is keeping. And I didn't know how I wanted to end it because I didn't know how the season would end. What Nandor knew and what he didn't and what his response would be.

And now I know how I want to end that fic, and it's with them together but not in a fully open and meaningful way. Guillermo is still retreating into humanity because he can't figure out that he lost that a long time ago, and Nandor has come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never truly have Guillermo. There's still anger and hurt feelings and a sense of dissatisfaction, like they'll never have an honest, truthful, and fully emotionally satisfying relationship if things stay as they are then. But they both love each other too much to give up the pale substitute for a relationship that they have. They both know what they have now isn't as good as what they could have had, but the alternative, living without each other, is too awful to contemplate.

And I know, I know that's just mirroring the way I feel about the actual series but...

damn, man. I guess I do still have a lot of feelings. lmao

SORRY I may be too exhausted right now to hold back. I'm just. Frustrated. idk.

#we never came back from the questionable guillermo characterization choices post-time skip did we #RIP #wwdits tag #again trying to keep this out of the main tag so people won't send me hate mail again lmao #replies

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

180 degrees longitude passes through us - Episode 8 (The Final)

Or how I call it: 180 ways of feeling pain...

The finale probably left us all somewhat disturbed, sad, in despair, or even dissatisfied. I, for example, still wonder where exactly the catharsis is supposed to be that was talked about beforehand. In parts, I can see it in Wang. After venting out his pain, anger and sadness, he can now look forward. He is aware that time is on his side. And at the same time, that's one of the most desperate statements I've ever heard. However, as the daughter of a toxic father, I can understand him so well. Sometimes you learn very late in life what you really want and that you should be in charge of your own life. Some people can live this out and others are prevented by social norms or other circumstances from living their own lives. It took me a long time to understand that I was not born to fulfill someone else's demands or expectations. Wang understood this at 22, but still he is trapped in this world. He can't leave Mol because he is trapped by her and can't escape her (yet). Wang has grown up with her, has assimilated her manipulations and the feelings of guilt live very actively in him.

In - a broken character. In was my heart bearer throughout the entire journey. I have seen many posts where he is hated for not responding, for lethargically accepting everything and yes that is frustrating, but even though people can change, it often does not happen overnight. It is a process. In is locked in his own thought prison. He has his internalised homophobia; he hates himself for the wounds he did to Mol and Wang and especially Siam. The guilt is really eating away at him. It has been drilled into him that his love is wrong and not normal. So much that at one point he believed it himself. He couldn't open up to Siam, whom he certainly loved more than anything, and can't change for or because of Wang. He grew up in a generation that was not as open to homosexuality as today's. You see this over and over again in the character of Mol. Her views are outdated and conservative. And you have to remember, In is her generation.

He lives love in theory. He has understood it in theory, but cannot see beyond thinking about it philosophically. But what is the use of love in thought? So In remains lonely. Not able to articulate his feelings for Wang and that, although he otherwise knows something to say about everything. But as before, when he has revealed too much of himself or let Wang get too close, he falls silent. Not only does his mouth go silent, it's as if his entire body falls silent. It becomes incredibly clear how he is trapped in his mind, almost punishing himself for being so close to Wang. A life of self-flagellation. The secluded life he leads is also a form of self-punishment. I find it hard to believe that he has ever felt physical and emotional closeness to anyone. He learned early on that his love is a danger, to himself but even more so to others. His love or love for him brings pain. So he closed himself off to it and that belief is so deeply ingrained in him. Wang may have shown him that he is loved, that he is desired, but on the other shoulder sat Mol with her views and confirmed In in his thinking that he is wrong, that he is not normal and that he is to blame for Siam dying and Wang no longer having a father and her not being able to experience a happy love. In is a deeply desperate character and I feel for him. I don't hate him and the ending came as no surprise. His inability to act or love and forgive himself was made clear early on. I would have liked a better ending for him. I would have at least hoped for him to cross that fucking bridge. If not with Wang waiting at the other end, then at least alone, as a kind of forgiveness and the beginning of healing and self-love. But we were denied that, because that's not how it works most of the time. People remain in their cages, trapped in their spirals of thought and hurt, unable to see beyond their own wounds. And that is human. Wang has made it abundantly clear that there will be no chance for In. He will never be able to talk about his feelings, because to articulate his feelings is to make them real. If you don't articulate something, it doesn't become true. He didn't even express that Siam was in love with him. He could not express it, because then he would not have been able to hide from the truth of those words. However, because of Wang, this illusion was shattered. You saw it in episode 7, how much it took his breath away when Wang spoke the truth, put it on the table like an open wound. If In had spoken out how he felt about Wang, he wouldn't have been able to go back to his little prison. The truth would be out there and his heart would be present as an open wound for all to see. Only by not expressing it he can protect himself and in his mind also Wang. Because as mentioned before, nothing good comes from his love, only sorrow and pain and he can't do that to Wang. Just as he could not do it to Siam without understanding that his love could have been the healing, but that is not the path In has chosen. He has chosen to believe that his love is evil.

Mol. I can't find anything good about her character. Is she a good mother? I think she thinks so. She thinks she is doing everything for her son and knows what is best for him. She projects so much of her feelings and desires onto Wang, which she associates with Siam. Is her love not enough? Can't she be enough for Wang? Why does it have to be In, of all people? Wang is the image of his father. In was overwhelmed by this fact and was once again driven into an emotional spiral of self-loathing and despair. What should Mol do then? She loved Siam and became desperate at his rejection of her. On the one hand, she gave Wang away, pushed him aside, and on the other hand, she made him so dependent on herself and her opinion that he could not get away from her emotionally. Even his brief rebellion she stamps down by making him feel guilty. Alone, Wang cannot win the battle against her. I'm not saying she did everything with full consciousness. Toxic and narcissistic people sometimes act intuitively. They know what buttons to push to get the best result for themselves. Toxic parents do not see their behavior as bad or wrong, because they only see their own point of view. They cannot put themselves in their children's shoes. They are not aware that they are causing pain through their behavior. They also don't realize that this behavior can lead to a rupture in the end until it is too late. And then they themselves are not to blame, because they always wanted only the best for their child. The child is ungrateful or has changed negatively. And Mol has not shown a bit of change during the whole time. Her views towards homosexuals have not changed just because her son is gay. She continues to think In is disgusting. She did give Wang a hug when he broke down, but even that didn't feel right to me. As an emotionally unavailable mother with narcissistic tendencies, she is there when her son is in pain, but not when he tells her he is in love. She can only be there for him when he is sad, when he needs her. If he is happy, there is a danger that he will drift away, that he might leave her. Her greatest fear. But if he is hurt, then she feels needed. Then she can give him the closeness he wants so much. The fact that she is so negative towards his love for In leaves a bitter taste in my mouth in this scene, because she has won. Wang has come to her to cry by her side, to sleep in her bed and not with In. She emerges from the ring as the winner at the expense of everyone else.

I would have so much liked to see a real conversation between the two. One in which Mol at least takes the first step to change her view. Instead, the next day we see the same excited person she was before. She walks the same path as she did before. She simply ignores the giant pink elephant in the room. Ignorance is her greatest strength. Because again, if you don't talk about it, it's no longer true. If you don't accept it, it's not true. Still, the relationship between her and Wang has changed. She may continue to pretend they are a sworn team, she the cool mom and he the obedient son, but Wang is now just waiting until an opportunity presents itself for him to escape her clutches. In was not the way, but time is on Wang's side, his time will come. And Mol will not change. As long as she tries to compare Wang to Siam and lock him up so he won't run away from her, she can't find healing. It's not just that she hasn't gotten over Siam's death, she hasn't gotten over being rejected by him, that her love wasn't accepted. Her love was not enough. And I don't think she can find that healing without professional help. But for that, she would first have to recognize and realize that her actions are unhealthy for herself and for others. And toxic parents with narcissistic dispositions rarely do that. She will not be able to put her past behind her by trying to ignore and repress everything. But that is her path. And on this path, in the end, there is no more room for Wang. She will realize that sooner or later, but then it will be too late and she will be all alone.

Wang. My brave little Wang. He is fighting a desperate battle to be heard. His time will come. But when? When Mol is dead? Can his chains be broken sooner? Until he is ready to break with Mol and escape the cycle of guilt so as not to end up like In, he will remain locked up in Bangkok, by Mol's side. Of course, he goes into the rest of his life with different attitudes than In. Wang has accepted the fact that he loves men and sees it as normal. Something that In cannot do. Wang articulates his needs, he makes things real by expressing them, and he is not afraid to do so. And yet, he is not free. He goes back to Bangkok together with Mol and he doesn't know when he will leave this city again. This is the most desperate thing of the whole series. It lived on Wang dreaming of traveling from north to south, experiencing something, leaving his realms, and yet he's stuck there. So when can Wang be free? In his mind, he already is. And yet his mother's watchful hand hovers over him. Growing up with such a person shapes you. It is indeed realistic for him to return with her and stay with her. One feels responsible for the other person, for their happiness and peace of mind. At least until you realize that you are not responsible for it, that the person only has it in his own hands. Shit, it took me so many years to understand that I'm not responsible for other people's happiness if it means giving myself up in the process. And even then, the process of cutting the cord is far from done. Understanding it still doesn't mean that you can escape the spiral of guilt so easily.

Mol, not realizing that her actions will do more harm than good, will not change. Wang will be permanently hurt by her. And in the end, it's up to him to decide what his relationship with his mother will be. I just hope that he will not stop listening to his intuition. While the older generation try to undermine their intuition and ignore everything that could be, not to speak it out, so not to let it come true, Wang wanted nothing more than to do exactly that. But every fighter has his limits. I hope Mol doesn't destroy Wang further on his way to his true self. Even if Wang is strong, everyone can only take a certain amount of hits before going down. Yes, you have to bleed before it gets better, because you're constantly learning and falling flat on your face, but that doesn't just apply to the younger generation. I can now talk to my father about his toxic behavior. That doesn't mean he'll change it, because it's too ingrained in him, but he understands better that I too have needs and can be hurt by words or actions. I think that's an improvement already. The ending of the series, on the other hand, is so unsatisfying. It makes it seem like there is no hope. Wang can't be free until his mother is dead or he cuts her off so she can no longer imprison him. In will never be free because his wounds are too deep and can't be healed nor does he want to. Mol will not change and will continue to suppress everything that does not suit her.

As mentioned at the beginning, I am still looking for the catharsis.

Realistic or not. The end is devastating and for me so negatively drawn, even if Wang will get over In. For me, that was not the point of this story either. It's the struggle to be yourself, to love freely, to be understood, to be forgiven, to be loved. At least that's what I thought. In the end I remain hopeless.

What remains at the bitter end? I give you the world.

In gives Wang the book on the philosophical theory of love. It is a part of him. The philosophy, the theoretical love, these are parts of In that he will give to Wang (I really had the unrealistic idea for a brief moment that he's going to say bring it back to me when you're done reading, but well....). The book represents the most emotional part of In. He loves philosophy and that is something that will bond the two of them forever.

Wang, on the other hand, gives him the world. If he can't leave his own prison, he should at least be able to hold the world in his hands and dream about it. And that is something that Wang loves more than anything. Not only this little globe in particular as a gift from his father, but also the freedom it embodies. It is Wang's most emotional possession. It is his heart that he leaves with In and at the same time it is a connection to Siam. Since Wang has found his father within himself on this journey, he can pass it on without remorse, and now In has something to remind him of the two big loves of his life.

#180 degree longitude passes through us #180 dlptu #180 degree longitude passes through us ep 8 #josi watching bl #just my thoughts #this was so hard to watch #thai bl #thai series #thai drama #bl series #bl drama #I still love this series! but it now has a bitter aftertaste

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Heya Baba! <3 I remember you mentioned Lark and Grant recently and I would love to know more!! So Lark/Grant for the ship bingo :)

😊🌸 Hiya Countless!!! Eheh y'know, I have this awful habit of putting off answering your asks specifically because I want to be especially thorough with them... And consequently not getting to answering them 😅😓. Like, I HAVE NOT forgotten about the music one LOL one day I will answer it I fucking swear!!!

Anyways, oooh, well rad of you to express interest in this one! I'll try my best!

(eheh also fair warning I'm a tad drunk eheheh but hopefully this will still be reasonably comprehensible? Just to say that I might be a bit extra all over the place but I'm trying my best ahaha. Also cheers lol 🍻💜)

(My second bingo I think? I'm too lazy to mark them lol)

Okay so the thing is, in my head I know exactly how I want this ship to play out and what it means to me... But putting that into words? Quite difficult actually!

I've been like, silently obsessing over these two for the past few months actually. I did this to myself? It was an accident?? I have this non-magical AU road trip fic for them that I've been rotating around for the longest time and have been *dying* to write, so I guess that's what a lot of my thoughts have centered around! That said, if I could explain the appeal more generally...

*Well*, as far as ships I feel strongly positive about go, this one is... Definitely one of the most unapologetically toxic ones tbh? Not as the end game for them! Rather, usually when these two play out in my head it sorta starts as two people with a lot of conflict between them (perhaps cause they're so similar in a lot of ways), who ultimately come to understand each other very well and grow as a result. Does that make sense? I think they make each other worse, and *then* they make each other better.

So what is it about them? Well... It's a bit hard to place actually! I would say that near its core, their relationship to me is very much defined by its physicality. Which I guess I mean from a number of angles (eheh including the sexual side sure but I'll spare you that dw I'll spare you from that LOL). For one there's... Something very physical about both of their most core traumas (the pyramid, the chimera) that to me separates these two from the rest of the other kid(dad)s? Similarly, and perhaps related to this, they certainly have a relationship with physical violence that is unlike the others as well, wherein it tends to be more of a pleasure or source of catharsis rather than purely being a necessary evil. Obviously in Grant's case this takes on a particularly dark tone, but still I think Lark's violent disposition is apparent and important enough.

I'll go back to all of that shortly but as a side tangent, they both have similar (albeit not identical) habits of shutting down and pushing people away as well? There's a lot of self-loathing, a lot of not believing oneself to be worthy of love, and so on and so forth.

SOOOOOO... I think at first they could be very cold and mean with each other! (Cue that scene in The Staircase when Lark body checks Grant to push past hm like ouch ooo my feelings but also *go on*). Verbal communication only goes so far with either of them, seeing oneself in the other and projecting that self-loathing onto them in the form of hate... It's a recipe for disaster tbh.

So... They fight! Especially like, physically, they fight. And... It's great? For both of them. It's an outlet, it's cathartic, and when it's just the two of them like this they can be shameless about it! <- That last part is important, for both of them but especially for Grant I think.

>> Now playing: "A Kiss With a Fist" by Florence and the Machine >>

And I think with time they learn to be more open with one another in other ways? As I mentioned earlier, their traumas bear a lot of similarities, among other things, so I think that once they reach this point there's this level of understanding between them that they haven't really been able to find elsewhere, and in that, probably some comfort. And trust!!!

So they're not really a couple sorta deal for me even if some of the feelings present might ultimately be romantic? It's more like, they let off some steam, they kiss a bit (or a bit more than a bit), and they love each other in a way that is deep and personal but doesn't require any sort of label, cause words were never what defined them in the first place.

Does any of this make sense??? Did I mention I'm drunk???

Not that this is exactly how it needs to be play out in every iteration of them, either. I guess there's also a lot of hurt/comfort for me with these two. A lot of that has to do with my own headcanons of Lark having PTSD and related symptoms that are quite similar to what Grant goes through, and the mutual understanding that comes with that (in short). And hey, for all the cuts and bruises from their training sessions (and/or consensual roughhousing), there's just as many carefully applied bandages and ice packs afterwards eheheh.

AHA okay this was long oh my goodness. And I still don't feel like I really got what I mean across!

🤔 Honestly, if this explanation turned you *off* from the ship more than anything, that's pretty fair tbh! They're really difficult for me to put into words haha, maybe in fanfiction it would be less off-putting!

Regardless, thank you very much for the ask :3 💜

#I'd have more to say but it would never come out the right way #dndads #I hope this kind of made sense????? Gee I really don't know #dungeons and daddies #grant wilson #lark oak #lark oak garcia #grant x lark #tw ptsd #tw violence #there's lowkey way more wholesome shit for these two in my head than this description would lead one to believe I think #gee why is it so hard with them haha #I hope this was kinda interesting at the very least Countless!

[aussietummytickler]

I feel like I'm too intense. Like when I love people I love too intensely, when I develop feelings I develop them too intensely. My mind doesn't know how to do things like that in increments. I either feel everything or nothing. Rarely inbetween. Because of that I fear I come across as too much to a lot of people. I wish I knew how to better control it, but I don't want to sacrifice my authenticity and genuine heart-on-my-sleeve self. But I feel that because I'm that way, I scare people off with my intensity. I feel like I cause people to need time and space away from me because of my intensity. But I don't know how to be anything else. I'm too much. I'm just too much, and I can feel how much it causes a schism to happen between myself and those I care about. I'm sorry I'm like this. But it's who I am. I can't help it. I just can't. I'm so sorry.

It's just so hard to describe being so self-aware of this side of yourself, but being powerless to control it because it's such an integral part of yourself. But I know, I *know* I'm too much. Because without having been told directly, I've seen it happen before. People don't have to speak it, their actions show it. They become distant, speak with less affection, and while they may not think I notice it, it rends my heart asunder. But at the same time, I completely understand, I don't blame them. Because I am too intense. I know I am. But I can't help it. It's become such an integral and core part of my being. So because of that, I feel I have to cut myself off, despite how hard it can be, because of how I feel about those people. I want to just wail and scream into the aether until my throat goes hoarse and I can't cry anymore. A pure and intense catharsis. I'm sorry I am the way that I am, but I also refuse to be anything other than genuine and the most authentic version of myself I can be, but I know that that is too much, and that's okay. Just... Learning to live with that ache is something that has never been easy. Tonight has just been very, very harsh on my mind more than most. I'll be alright. 100% track record of going through bad days. I'll be okay. 💙

[jasperjv]

nobody is celebrating twomads death because he was mentally ill, they are glad that a pedophile and rapist is wiped from this earth like all of them deserve to be. just because he had mental health issues does not excuse his horrific behavior. if you see people celebrating his death because of his mental health status, you are seeing rage bait.

Straight-up added nothing to the conversation here.

What people don't get is that behavior is a symptom of mental health status. "Just because he has mental health issues does not excuse his horrific behavior" except maybe at least some of it literally does. Psychosis means not being in control of one's behavior. It is not a few "mental health issues." It is arguably the most severe form of mental illness known to medical science.

I really don't know how to get this through your heads. You are actually thick. You are stupid.

We should have been able to see him recover and then be able to separate what can and can't be held accountable for. I said this already. But I can't tell if I got this message before or after that.

From what I understand— and a lot of the waters are muddied— he threatened to rape people online. That is not the same as doing it. I was also enraged during psychosis. I think I did threaten people online. Rape can be used in a rage just to threaten people in as extreme terms as one can muster. Separate what people actually physically go out and do versus their posturing online before trying to engage in this type of conversation. Otherwise social media has rotted your brain.

Anyway, no. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I don't have such a simplistic view of the world. It would be nice if I could say that rapists and pedophiles deserve instant death the moment they've transgressed. I simply don't believe in that. And a major part of why I don't is that I believe that one's punishment for a crime shouldn't fundamentally reflect or validate the effects on the victims, but should be secondary. People throw around "your feelings are valid" everywhere now, and yet, there is still this impulse to wait around for the punishment of guilty parties to vindicate their victims. Like, I thought y'all were saying their feelings are inherently valid? These are contradictions. If you can't see how, I'm at a loss.

If you can't conceptualize the separation between condemnation of crimes and the punishment for those crimes, which I hold central to my philosophy, once again, I am at a loss.

People aren't the way they are for no reason. You're talking to a guy who would have compassion for fucking Hitler or whatever, even if that compassion takes the form of pity (disrespectful). This is my personal philosophy, it always has been, it always will be.

There are edge cases whose mental illnesses do drive them to commit horrible crimes. And on the other end, there are edge cases of criminals who can't be rehabilitated. Neither of these should be thrown under the bus or used as fucking props for an agenda; an agenda toward short-sighted punitive catharsis where the whims of the victims, which are subject to change, can cause egregious discrepancies in punishment for the exact same crime. In my view, any system of society or thought is fundamentally flawed if it can't account for edge cases, no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient they may be. And I think that finding a comprehensive system is both possible and a moral obligation to pursue.

I have used this as a springboard to express my philosophical views and surely they aren't unprecedented in academia. They're just hard to search up.

Anyway you broke my rule sorry this is ableism (or "saneism" whatever)

#psychosis #saneism #twomad #death penalty #philosophy

[jenn-the-mostly-harmless]

I don't want to get caught up in evaluating whether the old show is better than the new show, but I've been thinking lately about how wildly different the Trigun animes are.

The new show characterizes everyone very differently than the old one did. In the old version, Vash has this facade that he's carrying, a jokester silly man act to hide how fucked up things have been for him and how sad he really is. He also gets the chance to save some people now and then, and that's important, because it's what keeps him holding on. If he never saved anyone, the despair would be overwhelming and he might stop trying.

In the newer show, it's all out in the open. He starts as a sad boy, and he doesn't really save anyone. Some people survive, but it's not the same thing, there's little or no catharsis for his character. His experience is so bleak and his sorrow so obvious that I found it jarring when he was silly.

Meryl is different too. In the old version, she's a badass who has a shit ton of derringer pistols in her cloak because she knows the world is dangerous. She's savvy and prepared for anyone and everyone to try to fuck her over. She literally lives in a world so dangerous that following Vash the stampede to keep her job is worth it to her, and she keeps Vash at arms length for a long time because of all that.

In the new version she's basically Lois Lane. Other people fight and die for her as she naively follows Vash because she...thinks he's newsworthy? I found it hard to understand her motivation. She's also no longer the leader or the senior in her coworking relationship.

And then there's Milly from the old version. I loved her simply on big girl rules, so I'm definitely biased, but that said, she also brought an important humanity to the team. Milly was there to remind you that even though the world of the story is mean and desperate, there are still nice people who can treat others kindly. Talk softly, carry a big gun.

So how does Roberto De Niro (yeah, they really named him after the actor) stand up to Milly? He's mostly looking out for himself, but I guess he has fatherly feelings for Meryl, or he wouldn't keep shlupping along with her. I don't know, I found him and his motivations mysterious and eye-rolling. Is he a hard ass that is only doing a job, or someone who actually cares about all this?

But it's not just the characters, I'd argue the very plot is characterized differently. The first anime is all about characterization and spends a lot of time with the characters before getting to the broody sci-fi stuff, which only happens toward the very end. A lot of people who watched it when it came out won't even remember the darker sci-fi stuff because it was aired on old school tv and they just missed an episode here or there.

The new one is almost entirely concerned with the darker sci-fi plot, which is really interesting, but their characterization suffers for it. The action scenes are more impressive, but perhaps less fun. There isn't a lot of mystery to Vash's past in the newer version, but it definitely does a better job of telling the sci-fi part of the story than the first one did.

I haven't read the manga, this is just what I got from watching both animes recently. I find I like them both for different reasons, but it does make me want to read the manga to see how each compares to the original concept. It's easy to get tied down to the first way you meet a fictional character, but it's important to remember that they aren't real people and they change based on who is writing them. If I say I like Batman, am I talking about Adam West's version or Frank Miller's?

#vash the stampede #vash #trigun #anime #best girl milly #characterization #writing #sci-fi #I didn't say anything about Wolfwood #it just happened that way #class assignment lol tell me how Wolfwood is the same or different in the two animes

[vivalabunbun]

i read the finale to the vampire au fic and ohh my god… somehow it made me sadder haha. i suppose i was hoping for a different kind of catharsis. to see him grow and live with the principles the reader taught him in his heart.

but yeah that’s not how it always goes when you lose someone. it’s hard to not focus on the glaring empty void in your life and fill it with sunny dreams. it really made me sad to see him longing for rest, for death.

i wanted to hear your thoughts on why you never had them say ‘i love you’ again. i think that was the part that hurt me the most. two people mistaking sweet sincerity for the other following stage directions. were they both scared of the sentiment being unrequited? a little blind to each other’s feelings? perhaps alhaitham was regretfully obstinate? or reader didn’t want him to hurt more after her passing?

ahh i’ve been thinking about it a lot. it’s incredible how words can inspire such strong emotions. i know it’s just fiction and fantasy, but the thought of an immortal creature having to trudge on through time, not even allowed to entertain dreams of meeting their love on the other side or in a next life… makes my heart ache!!!

also, do you think alhaitham would open himself up to love again after he had healed? or was reader the love of his eternal life? maybe he’d just go back to his comfortable solitude :( ahh i wish i could hug him.

sorry about the rant haha but i hope you’ll take it as evidence for how impactful your stories are 🫶🏽

I definitely agree with you on how death isn’t easy, sometimes grief takes the focus away from the joy they brought you.

Misunderstanding and fear. Two creatures who could never fully understand each other were too scared to be wrong. Best to follow a script to be safe.

On the other side of the garden, I wanted to subtlety reveal that they both couldn’t bare the thought of the other dying.

However, in the end alhaitham shouldered the burden.

For your last question… I’ll leave it up to you.

#vivaramblings

[freerangeranger]

//I just gotta say you do a fuckin AMAZING job writing honey!!! She's such an interesting character and

//honestly her during this whole arc has been pretty relatable in a way jdhdndg

//can't imagine how hard it was to like , explicitly show all the way up to this where everything had been let loose that she was still just so angry at him underneath it all, even if she was still having fun and making fun of bell light-heartedly and I've never seen anyone really just .capture that before especially in such emotional accuracy

Ooc:

So when I read this yesterday you gave me the equivalent of human zoomies for an hour when I was supposed to be going to bed. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm blushing. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to meeee. (⁄ ⁄•⁄v⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄

I go over my 'breakdown' of this arc below the break, but please know that I love all of you and thanks so much for enjoying my gal. She means a lot to me. I'm glad my mental process comes through in her words and actions.

Also If you want more lighthearted stuff - I have a few more Amy roasts to go through so Do Not Worry we will flambae this man yet.

I am also gonna write this warning here as well - Content Warning for death, implied suicide, abandonment, animal abuse, pokemon abuse and generally uncomfortable topics to think about.

Honey could be charitably called a 'self insert' - although she looks nothing like me and we do have differing opinions on a lot of topics. From my experience with TTRPGs and running them for 7 years I find the greatest advice I can give to anyone both old and new is to put pieces of yourself into your oc's. This is two-fold for importance.

1) It fleshes them out and makes you like them. If you have a character with similar morals and goals to yourself it is much easier to relate to them and makes you actually want to continue - you know - playing them. Honey has many traits that I don't. But we do share a deep love for people (and pokemon but her love is much more tangible than mine). She has a strong sense of fair play and is stubborn to a fault, which is something a lot of people can relate with. Her flaws are the same as her strengths and that makes her feel alive.

2) The second part is - in my humble opinion - more important. You know how they Feel. Emotions are a fickle thing in roleplay. You have to be very good at separating fiction from reality. It helps a lot when you are in constant communication with the people you are creating the story with.

When I was writing Honey over the course of this arc, I noticed that I started getting agitated - not from myself - but when I put myself in Honey's shoes. And after some contemplation I could realize why. This whole situation reminded me of those "Don't Drink and Drive" TV ads where the owner of a dog leaves, promising to come back. For a few moments you get a horrible sinking feeling because you know that this is an ad for drunk driving. But the dog doesn't. But after a few shots the person returns! All's well that ends well. You get your catharsis because that's a bit too dark a subject for daytime tv.

But I always wondered what would happen if the person never came back.

Dogs and cats are pretty smart all things considering. But how would this sort of thing affect a creature that has a higher level of intelligence? Little kids don't have a super great grasp on death - and I assume that most pokemon (there are exceptions to the rule) have the emotional and mental capacity of around a 3 year old. But you can also verbally explain death to a child when they are old enough. How do you explain to a ratatta that their trainer passed away?

This has never been stated explicitly until recently but Honey does have a slightly longer relationship with Amy than is immediately apparent. Especially with his pokemon. She cares about them and understands them to some degree. She knows roughly their emotional intelligence and ability to grasp abstract concepts. Honey has no illusions that Maxx, Beetroot and a handful of Amy's other pokemon are smart enough to connect the dots if he up and vanished. Some of them might even hold a grudge or mourn his loss.

But she knows there are also many pokemon in his care that aren't smart enough to understand. Bruno in particular - who is arguably the pokemon Honey is most emotionally attached to. Bruno is a strange case because he has a very good memory. He remembered Honey at the wedding by smell alone; a solid 3-5 years after they first met. Honey had a decent impact on his life but her influence is nothing compared to how much he cares about Bellamy.

So you have a perfect storm - A pokemon smart enough to remember people and has object permanence but not smart enough to understand the possibility of death or the idea that their human - who they love more than life itself - is never going to come back home. Thinking of that mental image - Bruno sitting alone at the door waiting for Amy forever - is basically the sole reason for her anger.

There is compounding issues of course. Did Amy even think to put all his Pokemon in his will? Would his current funds allow each of them to live in the lifestyle they are accustomed to? How many of them could stay together? Would they all have to be adopted out to other people? How many of them are at risk solely because they were the Pokemon of TV icon 'Professor Wild Days'?

Maybe Amy has plans in place for if that were to ever happen. But Honey doesn't know. She thought Amy was more prepared than that but the fact he just marched into the Cold Storage with no plan and without any proper backup has seriously shaken her faith in his ability to consider the longstanding ramifications of his actions.

So when Honey says 'I am pissed' what she really means is 'I am scared that you don't care about yourself enough to realize that your family is still here and depends on you. I'm scared that you aren't living for them. And that makes me angry on their behalf.' This is something I also deeply care about. The greatest thing that helped me in my darkest periods of my life is remembering the creatures that depend on me. Not the humans in my life; but the pets and animals that need me because if I disappear I don't know what will happen to them.

... That's pretty dark and serious. But it's also a damn good reason to be angry.

#ooc post #irl pokemon #rl pokemon #pokeblogging #asks #cw death #cw implied suicide #cw abandonment #cw animal abuse #cw pokemon abuse #cw depression #cw high stakes pokeblogging #honoria lore

[ceterisparibus116]

For the ask game: 4, 13 and 35, please?

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Perfunctory!

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

Oh, no.

This is where I sound heartless.

Uh. Nothing is incredibly difficult? Like. Thinking specifically of Trust. That fic was difficult insofar as there was a lot of research that went into it, and it's the story where the legal plotline is the most central out of all my fics (and it's civil law, which I'm less familiar with), so there was a lot of work involved in figuring everything out, and there was definitely some anxiety over whether I was doing the story justice.

But I feel like this ask is getting at a subject matter that's emotionally difficult. Like, some writers talk about writing through tears, or having to take breaks from their stories because it's too hard on them. But that's just...not me.

The stories that I write are too controlled to really be emotionally difficult for me, no matter the subject matter. I know all the facts, and I don't write fics with sad endings, and I always know how the fics will end up, and therefore I know that all the stories (even the ones with very sad elements) will end up happy. I'm also bolstered by the hope that whatever I'm writing is helping people.* So although some stories are certainly heavier than others, I wouldn't say that they are "incredibly difficult."

*Okay actually, I mentioned this line and it spurred a whole new set of thoughts. Maybe the other reason why things aren't Incredibly Difficult for me to write is because my focus for writing all of it is: "How can I help my readers understand this differently" rather than me just trying to process my own stuff.

As in, there are bits of me trying to process my own stuff in all my stories, but it's far from central.

In fact, the only story where "my own stuff" was truly what I would call "central" was in that one fic where Matt's prepping for the bar. And sure enough, yep, that fic was not fun to write. It was way more of a catharsis thing that I just had to get through so I could feel better on the other side.

So. Huh. I guess that's a big factor. I wonder if I'm brave enough to write something else where "my own stuff" is more central....

[Ugh, I thought of one such an idea, and some part of me that's not the nice, logic-centered side of my brain recoiled. So. Yeah. Guess that's a thing.]

Thank you for this ask that led to a bit of a personal revelation, lol.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

Haha, I love this. XD

Actually, tbh, I think most of the writing rules I think about are ones that really do work for me, usually ones that I've found in books about writing or video essays about writing, where the rules are fully fleshed out, rather than on, like listicles.

I googled writing rules, actually, and one is "avoid using jargon" and welp lol yeah I tromp gleefully all over that rule for sure.

And in general, anything to do with word counts. I love fanfiction for the freedom to publish a story that's 100 words and the freedom to publish a story that's 1,000,000 words.

#personal #like a little extra personal this time I guess #writing #writing ask game #asks #ask me things i'm friendly

[datastate]

do you ever kind of fucking lose it over the sheer amount of things shigeo does for total strangers. taking the time to befriend a traumatized, ill-informed guy whose clearly being manipulated by his boss despite it being the middle of a crisis. saving a bunch of random kids because his brother cares about them. getting hit by a truck for a kid he doesnt know because he doesn't have enough time to use his powers. he's not 100% (heehee) selfless and he constantly does not do things for other people that he could definitely do but there's an emotional aspect to risking yourself for someone you love and an entirely different one for risking yourself for someone just because theyre a person and they dont deserve this

it's genuinely one of the most appealing parts of the series!!! shigeo's still young, but it's because he's been shaken to the reality of what his powers are capable of so early on that he ends up. taking this responsibility in crisis. he's doing what he can to prevent destruction/death (without using his powers on living beings, because he considers that in itself. dangerous), and will show people the destruction they've brought as well. not in a malicious way, but because he is giving them the benefit of the doubt that they don't understand the gravity of misuse.

many of the other espers them are reluctant to admit this because they've already experienced isolation due to their powers and have found relief in being able to show that. you can see the catharsis at shigeo's breaking point in the mogami arc -- finally reclaiming this and feeling justified in it at this point. my words may be a bit messy here & i apologize, but. i really loved this arc for how painful it was to watch by comparison to what shigeo actually wants. and it was very interesting to me seeing that it's not just his memories of the people he personally cared for that brought him back, but what brought him here at all: "i came here to save someone" ... that moment brings back the heart he tried so hard to keep, even when his classmates wouldn't bother with him. he instead directed it to other living beings whose provocation he could understand - and because he now understands that this reality was intentionally meant to provoke him, that's when he understands he's the same as other human beings in justifying his right to exist. everyone is trying to guarantee their safety; the ambitious see safety as 'power' and others may see safety as 'apathy' ... but granting someone that chance to step into actual safey -- unconditional support -- is incredibly important for setting that first stone of a new path that doesn't rely on violence to guarantee it. and with all he's gone through, he's been forced to save himself from the brink of that, too. re-realize that acting upon violence would begin to carve into his personal bonds as well. it goes against what reigen asked of him, and it would force ritsu to relive the pain mob put him through with the added fear of his intention.

just! ahhh, this is specifically within the context of mp100's message, some parts i find to be a bit more difficult to apply on a large scale -- but again, this is an anime meant for younger audiences and it does so, so well at conveying the importance of having that stance that ignorance is one of the main causes of interpersonal conflict. whether it's willing or unwanted, that's what a lot of the antagonists end up confronting ... or even force shigeo to acknowledge!!

i was surprised (in a good way!) when i first realized that ritsu was going to be the antagonist, especially because it put his kindness toward shigeo in a new light that is really valuable for both of them! it plays into a fear that both of the kageyama kids have, and having ritsu admit that aloud finally gave them both a chance to. acknowledge this and work toward finding a healthy balance again. he'd seen proof of shigeo's improvement when fighting suzuki, managing to control its extreme when he recognized ritsu was afraid of seeing him fall to that psychic overdrive. &... in a weird sense, i feel like ritsu would be relieved seeing that mob's final psychic overdrive wasn't merely the cause of stress, but near-death; an uncontrollable situation where something had to take hold to make sure shigeo survived. this was a sudden shock to shigeo's whole that forced him to confront the internal conflict quickly instead of that slow process of reconnecting with that part of himself; & ritsu now has the power to help shigeo. not defend himself, but extend what he'd been asking for so long & never pushed mob to confess: is something wrong ?

i am getting. a bit off-track but just. handshaking you. this series is so, so good and i love the connections they manage to find and keep after battles. shigeo is such a good character for this because he carefully balance's a child's hope for others along with confronting the results of his own psychic breakdown, leading him to a much wiser position of how to help other people realize their own naivete;;

#SOMETIME... WE SHOULD TALK ABT MP BECAUSE. RAHHH #it's really good. it's a minor interest atm but it's So so good TT_TT & I LIKE HEARING YOUR THOUGHTS ON THINGSSS... the few chances we get #mp posting #ask #friends #dysaniadisorder