#i mean i say worse to my best friends but im not going to lie and say that im not at least a little in love with them

[certifiedcoffeeaddict]

look i get that she has a boyfriend, but here me out.... is this straight person behaviour?

#i mean i say worse to my best friends but im not going to lie and say that im not at least a little in love with them #and im not straight in the first place so #sonoko ?! #suzuki sonoko #mouri ran #sonoran #The Time-Bombed Skyscraper #dcmk #meitantei conan

[ripmattitude]

HIGH - matt sturniolo x female reader

summary: you and your best friend matt get high together and leads to a heated make out session.

warnings: use of y/n, smoking weed, best friends to ???, latina reader, make out, not proof read

-

you had developed a crush on matt a couple months ago, and it had blossomed ever since. you hadn't acted on it though, the thought of flirting with your best friend and making him uncomfortable dissuaded you from taking action, so you just hoped one day he would feel the same and let you know in small ways. maybe his hand brushing yours, a look turning into a stare, a subtle red tint painting your friend's cheeks, anything.

"y/n" he mumbled, looking down to his lap. "have you ever smoked weed?" he asked nervously.

furrowing your brows, you answered "where's this coming from?"

"i just- i don't know, im sorry. forget i ever said anything" he quickly said, clearly regretting ever asking you anything. "it was stupid anyw-"

"yeah i've tried some, me and my friends smoke every couple weeks i know you don't like this type of things but that doesn't mean i will stop or-" you confessed, as you sat up straighter and tried to sound firm. but as quickly as your rant started, matt cut you off.

"no no, that's not where i was going" he laughed a little. "i just wanted to try some and was curious" he said softly, finally looking at you and putting a hand on your knee as to ease your nerves.

"oh" you embarrassedly said, thinking this talk was going a whole different road. you started to blush a little, and the placement of his hand wasn't helping much. "in that case" you say while standing up and looking away.

you feel matt's confused gaze as you go to your room and come back with a small, innocent-looking wooden box. you sit down on the couch and open it up, revealing your secret stash and a pre-rolled joint.

your best friend's eyes widen in realization, and an equally excited and nervous grin flashes on his face. he reaches out a hand and cracks open a window, already feeling the smell of the box and knowing it wouldn't get any better when smoking. you can see the band of his boxers, the brand name now flashing out of his jeans thanks to his t-shirt coming up due to the stretch.

to distract yourself from the dirty thoughts on your mind, you start lighting up the blunt between your fingers and take a hit. after exhaling, you give it to matt, and show him how to hold it properly.

"um, how do i.. smoke it?" he asks, feeling a little dumb for not knowing how to do this type of stuff. seeing you do it so naturally and swiftly only made his feeling worse.

"oh yeah, sorry. basically put it between your lips" you take his hands and guide them towards his mouth, you fingers gently brushing his soft lips. "inhale and let it sit a bit in your lungs. then, exhale" you instructed to the best of your abilities, wanting his first experience to be as pleasant and comfortable as possible.

he followed each step carefully, trying his best not to blow it out before he should, but his need to cough got the best of him.

"it's okay, no one does it perfectly their first time. you should've seen me, i was a mess!" you say, letting him know you don't expect him to smoke like a pro. "you wanna try again?" he nods and takes another hit, this time doing it perfectly. you smile and take the joint, chasing the feeling of relaxation it gave you.

you two had smoked the whole thing, and had chosen to head to your room to lie down in her bed. something about matt's actual state was so attractive to you: his constant smile, his droopy eyes, the slight rasp of his voice and the way he was always in contact with your skin.

"did you know i used to take spanish in high school?" you giggled at this, knowing he spoke your first language but said he was really bad and didn't want to humiliate himself in front of a native speaker.

"yeah, you told me but you never want to show me your talent! you know, marylou said you were one of the best of your class after nick but you still don't want to show me" you pout playfully, maybe today is the day you get to hear him speak spanish.

he laughs, and continues "yeah, it was one of the only classes i liked. i love the language! it's so sexy, it actually is a kink or turn on to me" you feel your heart skip a beat and yourself clench at the thought of you turning him on. a sudden wave of boldness washed over you and an idea came up in your mind.

a smirk came over your face as you said in the most sultry voice you could "que sientes si empiezo a hablar en español?"

you saw him tense up and look up at the ceiling, lying flat on his back as to avoid your gaze.

"te excita que hable así matt?" you continued, still using the flirtiest tone you could use. shaky breaths left his mouth.

"y-y/n, don't" he mumbled quietly, still avoiding your eyes.

"no te escucho, me puedes mirar a los ojos?" he turned his head and looked at your eyes. you bit your lip, trying to hold back from continuing this act, but his reaction was just too much for you.

"puedo besarte?" your best friend asked, licking his lips with desire. surprised at his perfect pronunciation and sexy tone, you nodded frantically and connected your lips with his.

the kiss was full of lust and want, your arms snaking to his neck and your hands beginning to play with his hair, earning a moan from matt. you used this opportunity to deepen the kiss, pushing your tongue into his mouth.

matt sat up without breaking the kiss. his hands first grabbed your waist firmly, but then slid to your ass where he squished your cheeks and continued his way down to your under thighs. he lifted you and put you down so you were now sitting on his lap.

the feeling of kissing matt made you feel so fuzzy and overjoyed, butterflies buttering in your stomach. you had become addicted to his lips and didn't know what you would do without it.

his fingers trailed up and down your thighs, each time getting closer and closer to where you needed him most. whimpers and whines came out of your mouth, expressing your want need for friction between your legs. you began straddling him, gaining a groan from him. you felt his cock hardening even more than it already was, which made you moan.

matt threw his head back at the feeling of your clothed pussy rubbing against him, leaving room for you to move your kisses to his jaw and neck. his moans only encouraged you to suck and bite his skin, leaving marks. he massaged your cheeks and guided your movements as you continued kissing his neck and collarbone. "fuckkk" he exhaled in pleasure, wanting to feel more of you.

suddenly, something clicked in your head and you realized what you were doing. you were making out with your best friend and you were both stoned. this wasn't right. guilt started to take over you and you stopped your movements and hopped off him, standing up from the bed to create space between you and him since you knew if you didn't, you wouldn't be able to stop yourself from jumping on him again.

your actions somewhat startled him, watching you with complete confusion in his face.

"i'm so sorry matt" you said quietly turning around to ignore his gaze. "i'll.. sleep on the couch" you said quickly, grabbing a pillow to take with you. "goodnight matt"

"y/n-"

he was shut up by the closed door.

-

author's note: hii this is my first fic so PLS no shaming but i will take constructive criticism🫶 i could turn this into a mini series, i got something on my mind but i would love to hear your thoughts first! also, the title is shit, i didn't know what to write😭😭

#chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo video #sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo smut

[hanniluvi]

( 💿 ) YOU’RE BLUSHING? — JI CHANGMIN FIC

[ DAY TWELVE ] of the advent calendar !

( 💿 ) SYNOPSIS . . as much as you wanted to deny that you had feelings for him, it was getting harder to ignore ever since he commented on how pink your face was—knowing that it was caused because of him.

( + ) PAIRING . . friend!changmin x gn!reader

( 💿 ) GENRE . . fluff, crack kinda, mutual pining, friends 2 lovers (GET IT AWAY FROM ME I CANT STOP WRITING FOR F2LS.)

( + ) WARNINGS . . eric kinda pushy but hes js trying to be a wingman, reader is a lil mean BUT W GOOD INTENTIONS, some profanity

( 💿 ) NOTE . . ignore that im like sm days late im trying to hold myself accountable okay 😭 life has been lifeing and posting daily is hard i applaud people that r able to post sm everyday .. at this rate im gonna post 4 fics a day im so behind .. anyways lets totally pretend i didnt snatch this idea from irl !

“Do you like him?” Eric pressured you to answer for the millionth time, trying to get the truth out of you. He would always bring up this question during the last period, knowing it was just you and him around and not anyone else. Even with him showing his puppy eyes, you looked at him, and repeated the answer you’d always tell him. “No, I don’t like Changmin.”

“You’re lying again,” Eric sighed, knowing how stupid you would be trying to figure out your real feelings for your best friend, Ji Changmin.

Changmin is clearly your type—you know that, and even Eric knows that. But according to you, he’s too perfect for you, which only causes Eric to roll his eyes. He’s more like a perfect pair for you, if he does say so himself. Either way, you can’t really tell if Changmin even feels the same way.

So, you’re afraid, leading up to you not confessing your feelings at all—even if someone (Eric) tries to convince you to, you would not even make a move.

“Seriously, I don’t know why you wouldn’t confess,” Eric says, popping a piece of gum in his mouth.

“…Because I don’t like him like that?”

“And I can stuff 50 pepero sticks in my mouth–wait…maybe I can. Whatever–don’t make me go off track!” He pointed at you, like you had anything to do with his absurd ideas anyways. “That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard from you.”

Do you even like Changmin like that?

“Whatever.” The bell rang, signifying that everyone was allowed to leave for the day. Looking out of the nearby window, you could already see bits of snow falling down, and Eric was all excited. “It’s snowing!”

“Great…” You already knew it was going to be cold, and you really hated walking in the cold. But, the snow was going to make the walk back home even worse than it already was. “Come on, let’s go!” He drags you by the arm, hurrying over to the lockers.

Your locker conveniently stands between Eric's and Changmin's, offering a seamless meeting point for the trio of best friends. As you chat with Eric, the familiar voice of Changmin interrupts your conversation.

"Hey!" Changmin's voice accompanies his quick steps as he approaches with a broad smile on his face. Eric nudges you, and you shoot him a scornful look. "What?"

"Nothing," you whisper back to Eric, well aware that Changmin is eyeing the two of you curiously. The dynamics of your friendship triangle always keep things interesting.

“Anyways—” Eric continues, with a mischievous glint in his eye, suggesting he's up to something once again. “I have to go with Sunwoo, so you two have fun!”

"Wait, what? Doesn’t Sunwoo have soccer practice—” Before you can finish, Eric waves a quick goodbye and scurries off. You knew him well enough to sense that he orchestrated this moment for you and Changmin. After all, he claims you have feelings for him, something you vehemently deny. Changmin, unfazed by Eric's antics, takes the opportunity to suggest, “Want to do something after school now that Eric ditched us?”

“Sure, why not?” you casually say, closing the locker door in front of you. “You lead the way, Mr. Chang.” He rolls his eyes at the sudden nickname, and you can't help but let out a soft giggle, soon walking besides him.

As you and Changmin make your way to the front of the school, he glances at you and notices that you don't have gloves on despite the chilly weather.

“Hey, aren't you cold without gloves?” he asks, concern lacing his voice.

“Hm?”

“Your hands are red already,” Changmin points out. You look down at your hands, and indeed, they are red—the color has spread all over them. In response, you pull up your sleeves, trying to hide the chilly effect.

“I’ll be fine,” you shrug, but he continues to look concerned. His worry tugs at you, appreciating the care he's showing.

Without a word, Changmin takes off his gloves and holds them out to you. “Here, take these. You shouldn't be freezing your hands off.”

You hesitate, ready to refuse, but he insists, sliding the gloves onto your hands regardless. The warmth instantly envelops your cold fingers, and you can't help but appreciate the small act of kindness, feeling yourself smile.

“There—oh! Are you okay? You’re red,” Changmin observes, his hands almost reaching your face. “Do you need my scarf—” You quickly intervene by placing your own hands on your cheeks, feeling the heat.

“Oh—shit…” you mumble, realizing the inevitable, and he tries to perk his ears to catch what you're saying. “I’m blushing…”

“You’re blushing?” he questions, a hint of surprise in his tone. Well, it seems he caught onto those words, making the situation even more awkward.

“Why?” Changmin asks, genuinely puzzled.

Letting out a sigh, you cover your face with your hands and mutter, “It’s because of you, idiot.”

His eyes widen at your response, a mixture of surprise and amusement crossing his face.

"So... you have feelings for me?" Changmin questions.

"No, I totally despise you to the point that my face randomly turns red at the mere sight of you," you retort sarcastically, eliciting a small chuckle from him.

"Now that's more like you."

"Whatever." A moment of quiet descends, and you both share affectionate glances. Taking a step closer, Changmin reaches for both of your hands. "I like you too."

This time, your face turns completely red, and he can't help but enjoy the effect he has on you. Instead of your giggle, you hear faint noises in the background. Turning abruptly, you squint your eyes, only to discover Eric and Sunwoo spying in the corner.

"Eric? Sunwoo?!" you exclaim, causing Eric to accidentally push Sunwoo's face into the snow, and then quickly backing away. "What the heck, Eric?"

"Sorry!"

"They just had to be our friends, huh?" Changmin remarks, and you nod as the other two continue bickering—mostly Sunwoo seeking revenge and Eric pleading for mercy. At least you and Changmin have something sweet going on, rather than being entangled in that chaos.

And now you know you like him like that. No more denying it.

TBZ PERM TAGLIST — @flwoie @haruavrse @bearseulgs @ilovewonyo @wtfhyuck @ineedaherosavemeenow @ilovechanhee @ja4hyvn @vampcharxter

ADVENT CALENDAR MLIST — @en-dream @i-yeseo @yizhoutv @yuma-is-mine @wtfhyuck @sansfransisco

#⛄️ — advent calendar 23’ ! #k-labels #kflixnet #k-films #the boyz #tbz #the boyz q #tbz q #tbz headcanons #tbz scenarios #tbz imagines #tbz x reader #the boyz headcanons #the boyz scenarios #the boyz imagines #the boyz x reader #q headcanons #q imagines #q scenarios #q x reader #changmin headcanons #changmin scenarios #changmin imagines #changmin x reader #kpop #kpop headcanons #kpop scenarios #kpop ff #kpop imagines #kpop fanfic

[bae04xx]

Cam you write a yandere dream sans x reader please

im a little rusty with the undertale aus so sorry if this is out of character 😭 i tried my hardest xx

this is so shit man i’m sorryyyy

kinda yandere dream sans x reader

fluff ☁️

dream lay in between my legs, his head resting up against me as he read. some new book he had been raving about, i’d been struggling to focus, or even listen to anything for the last couple of days- it’s been getting on my nerves. after being cooped up in this.. space? i’m not really sure what it was called, you get a bit stuck in your own head. too conscious of your own thoughts, i get like that. it gets worse when dream is off doing god knows what for hours at a time- he doesn’t tell me much, never has, you just get used to be in the dark, doesn’t make it any more bearable but it makes you expect it.

“y/n? y/n?” dream calls out to me, breaking me from my mental rant.

“huh? yeah sorry,” i reply sheepishly as i hear a sigh from him, he places his book down.

“what are you thinking about?” he beams, i can feel him smiling despite not being able to see.

“nothing much, just wondering what you’re reading,” i lie, i know he can tell but he goes along with it anyway.

“you feel quite tense for just that,” he chuckles, “i’m going to have to meet blue and ink soon, we’ve got some things to figure out,” he massages my thigh as i lean back, exhaling softly before i decide what to say.

“..why don’t i come?” i speak, just above a whisper, my question makes him go slightly rigid.

“well, y/n, um. i’ll have to think about it,” he stammers, unsure of what to say. dream is one of the most positive people i know, i never usually see him looking for his words.

“it’s alright, i just thought it’d be nice to meet your friends, considering you spend so much time with them,”

“trust me i spent a lot more time with them before i met you, and they’re starting to have a few questions about that. maybe it’d be good if you met them,” he announced, jumping up and dusting himself off.

i quickly followed, letting him guide me to where we we’re going.

after a strange way of transportation, we arrived. there were 2 other skeletons like him, one with a paint brush and another with a blue bandana- they suited their names. who i presumed was blue jumped up when he saw me, cocking his head at dream, while ink stayed seated, his eyes narrowed at me.

“WHO’S THIS!?” blue demanded, attempting to rush over to me, only to be pulled back by ink. dream had spoken very little of them both beyond their names but i could guess ink was in charge by his demeanour.

“this is y/n, she’s been living with me for the past couple of months. i thought she should meet you two,” he smiled, his arm firmly around my waist.

“and you bought her to a meeting?” ink questioned, a slight bite in his voice.

“HELLO HUMAN Y/N, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” blue almost screamed, i didn’t really know what to say.

“it’s nice to meet you y/n,” ink said, a forced politeness to me, i could tell he didn’t mean to be rude but there was something beneath the surface. “can we speak to you alone dream?” he asked, tapping his bony fingers rhythmically against the table.

“of course you can, y/n would you mind going into the other room?” he asked, pointing to a wooden door to my left, i walked off, ignoring the goodbyes from the 3 skeletons.

there i tried to drown out their argument, i heard my name being thrown around like a game of piggy in the middle. dream drastically trying to defend not only me but myself, ink interrogating him about where i came from, who i was, if i was dangerous and how much of a risk i made them. and blue was just joining in, asking so many questions about me. i desperately tried to ignore it, wishing for some headphones, or at least to be put in a room far, far away from them.

after an hour of being on my own, dream burst into the room, a tired, forced smile on his face.

“y/n! come on, we’re going,” we sighed, trying his best to keep his normal bubbly energy up.

“what even happened?” i asked as he dragged my arm lightly.

“we’ll discuss this next time,” ink spoke calmly, clearly with ruffled feathers.

“there’s nothing more to discuss.” dream said sternly, ending the conversation- you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

when we got home i was still very confused, as always.

“what was that all about?” i asked, while dream held me, he had told me before that my presence alone can calm him down, so i think that’s what he needed right now.

no response.

“dream?” i questioned again, waiting for an answer.

5 minutes of silence went by before he stated,

“they want to take you away from me.”

“what?” i didn’t know how to feel, or what to say, dream was trying his hardest to stay calm and remain in a happy place, yet the way he was acting was eerie.

“but i’m not going to let them do that, you’re never leaving me. i promise.”

#undertale au x reader #undertale x reader #dream sans #dream sans x reader #fanfic #x reader fanfic #undertale #undertale au #i struggled with this #yandere #yandere sans x reader #yandere sans #yandere dream sans #yandere dream sans x reader #sorry if this is bad

[sbnslver]

Don’t Be A Fool

Pairing: Stephen Strange x Female! Reader

Warnings: Fluff! Also talk about an injury No Multiverse of Madness Spoilers!

A/N: IM BACK!! I will say this again STEPHEN STRANGE IS THE BEST MAN AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Now that school is ending soon I can get back to writing! Requests are open.

Word Count: 1.22k

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Out of all the things that could have gone wrong, this has to be the most embarrassing. You were attempting to hang up a new shower curtain when you lost your footing on the side of the bathtub. You landed on your foot the wrong way and heard an unsettling crack. You cringed at the noise as you came tumbling down. To make matters worse, you’re home alone and this fall has rendered you immobile.

You sort through all the possible options for your next move, which are either calling an ambulance and causing a huge unnecessary scene or reaching your best friend, whom you just so happen to have a huge crush on, Stephen Strange.

Since you live at the near top of your apartment complex in the bustling city of New York, you opt for the latter and lose a bit of your dignity. As you’re sitting on the floor of your bathroom with a throbbing ankle, you reach into your pockets and pull out your phone, calling Stephen. You’d figure it was best since he’s both a full-time wizard and a part-time doctor.

The phone rings a total of 3 times before the other end is answered and you hear the low voice of your best friend.

"Y/N? What’s wrong? You never call me." The worried tone in his voice doesn’t go unnoticed.

"Nothing special, just sitting around, bored... you?" You answered as coolly as you could.

"And for some reason, I have trouble believing that," he sighed. "Tell me what happened before I portal there." He said sternly.

"Well you see, I was putting up my shower curtain and-"

"I’m on my way, don’t move." He hung up before you could even explain yourself.

You sigh, defeated. You rest your back against your tub and cross your arms, patiently awaiting for Stephen to show up and reprimand you as he always did.

"Y/N where are you?" You heard Stephen shout from down the hall.

"In the bathroom, where else?" You replied, you guessed this was the price for free healthcare.

"Geez, really"? Stephen sighed at the sight before him. You were sprawled out on your bathroom floor with your ankle propped up with visible and prominent swelling. "Let’s get you outta here." He extended his hand outward to you, waiting for you to grab hold. "Hold my hand."

"What?" you needed to know if you heard him correctly.

"Just hold it so I can get you to your room." He rolled his eyes, getting impatient.

You grabbed his warm hand and he hoisted you up from the ground, getting a small inhale of your breath from the sudden pressure being put on your ankle.

"Hang on to me, don’t put pressure on it, it’s only going to make it worse." 

You both slowly made your way down the hall and into your bedroom, hopping and limping every step of the way. Stephen grabbed both of your hands as he helped you to sit gently on your bed while he got to work examining your injury. The intimacy and closeness caused your cheeks to burn.

"Well, the good news is that it isn’t broken and I know a simple spell that can reduce the swelling." He suddenly spoke, his eyebrows creasing, and you had to fight the urge to smooth it over. "I hate seeing you like this, you know, but I’m glad you trust me enough to ask for my help." He gave a small smile and said, "I really appreciate our friendship."

Your heart broke into thousands of pieces as the last word of his sentence echoed in your head. Of course, he thought of you as just a friend. Your face must have resembled your messy emotions because Stephen shot up and was frantically asking if you were in any pain and where.

"No, I think I’m okay. I just need to lie down," you stammered, struggling to keep your composure in front of him.

"I think you may be right. If you need anything, and I mean anything, don’t hesitate to call me." And without another word, he vanished completely, leaving you alone with your thoughts and racing heart.

Your ankle was long forgotten and all you could think about was how your doubts were true. Stephen really didn’t think of you as anything more than a friend. You know you shouldn’t be as sad as you are, but it’s hard when, for the better half of your adulthood, you harbored feelings for him and you secretly hoped he had felt the same way. It’s as if you wasted your time going after him.

Almost as quickly as he left, Stephen came back, carrying a small bag with him.

"Hey I know you said you wanted to sleep, but I figure if you’re really in pain you can take some over the counter meds-" His eyes finally met yours as you were sitting on your bed. Streams of tears left streaks on your face before you could quickly hide them away. "Are you in pain? Did my spell not work?" He came and gently sat down next to you, placing his warm hand on your shoulder and giving it a comforting squeeze. 

He was worried about you. It was the worst feeling because you liked it. His worrying about you as much as he did made you feel special. "Why are you doing this to me?" you whispered to yourself, hoping he wouldn’t hear you.

"What do you mean?" He straightened up and looked at you fearfully, scared of what you might say next. "I care about you. I want to take care of you." He lifted your chin to force your eyes to meet his. "This isn’t easy for me to say, but you are so important to me and I’d do anything for you. And I know I’m not the best guy, but I really try to be for you." His eyes held the greatest amount of sincerity you had ever seen. Your eyes started to water at his sudden confession. He wiped them away before they could travel down your cheeks.

"Stephen," you sighed, "being friends with you isn’t enough. I-we can’t be friends anymore…it’s not enough for me." Your hands went up to cradle his, which had been holding your face. You brought them down to your lap where you rubbed your thumbs over his hand, giving him time to say something, anything.

Instead of words, he quickly pulled you into him, wrapping you in a bone-crushing hug. His hand went to cradle your head and slowly rock back and forth, "Oh I'm so glad you said that." He said it in your ear, petting your hair. "I like you too, so much. You're everything. You're my best friend, and I could never ask for anything more."

“Thank you Stephen, for letting me into your life and allowing me to start this new adventure with you.” You smiled from ear to ear allowing yourself to wrap your own arms around him and give him a tight squeeze. You felt a soft kiss in your hair and you felt the rapid beating of his heart resembling your own. 

“I’m never letting you go by the way, you’re in this for the long run” he laughed. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

#Stephen Strange #doctor strange #Doctor Stephen Strange #doctor strange imagine #stephen strange x reader #doctor strange x reader #doctor strange scenario #stephen strange imagines #marvel x reader #multiverse of madness

[cowboyjen68]

this might seem some stupid teenage problem to you but how do i deal with my friends having boyfriends and girlfriends while im just depressingly lonely as hell? i mean we still talk but im just scared that they'll just pay more attention to theie boyfriends and girlfriends coz they did that the last time we went to our friend's house for karaoke. its not a bad thing to pay attention to boyfriends and girlfriends but sometimes i just feel left out. plus my friends used to joke abt me being single when i already feel like shit because im single and the only relationship i had was with a boy that i literally regretted to get together with bc he wasn't even a decent person to me. they don't make jokes like that anymore when i had enough and told them to stop it. idk if im being clingy at all but its like i just feel left out coz last time we went to have karaoke at my friend's house some of them just straight up pay more attention to their boyfriends and girlfriends and idk i just feel left out mostly bc it kinda feels like i have no one to talk to atp. again im not saying it's a bad thing but how can i stop feeling left out? and why's being gay kinda hard? most of my friends r in hetero relationships and they had it easy. the only relationship i had was with my toxic childhood friend who wasn't a decent person. plus everytime i like a girl, either they're lgbtq+ but just like boys more, straight or a piece of shit. why's it so hard for me to have a girlfriend? is it because im ugly? awkward? too introverted? or maybe the fact that i kinda suck at socializing bc i literally dont socialize alot? everything always goes wrong for me in my love life while my friends have it easy. im sorry if its too long

Forgive typos. I’m on my phone. And tired.

First. Big butch mom hugs to you. Take a breath and read this.

You are not by any means alone. And even in adulthood. Those of us grownups who are single often find ourselves lamenting the “loss” of a friend who is in a néw relationship. That friend is still our friend but her time is suddenly drastically limited. My best friend who was single for 12 years was my constant companion. Now she’s finally found love and two years in I’ve spent a total of maybe 6 hours with her. And it’s never just her and I. It’s only in group gatherings. It’s sad and hard to say the least. It’s feeling lonely even as I try to let other friends step in. The space she occupied will always be hers.

High school. College. Youthful friend groups tend to be much wider and less static. A constant refreshing of new love interests and I do remember those who dates feeling very intense emotions both at the start and end of such couplings. When you’re the single one you never the priority to others because they are expending so much time and energy to the mostly futile attempt to make fleeting romances work out. You don’t require energy since they assume (albeit unconsciously) you will just be there. Which is not fair. Friendship requires attention.

Sometimes we just have to toss ourselves into our own joys. Go to things you love alone. Have coffee. Enjoy a meal. Don’t sequester yourself to the internet to find connections. Be okay with you. Eventually others wil come in your life.

Do not date just to not be alone. Being miserable in a relationship is worse than just staying single and loving time with yourself.

I won’t lie and tell you loneliness will just abate. But I can say it won’t be forever. And friends will evolve and shift your entire life. You take all the good things. And bad from each one into the next and learn who and what enhances your life the most.

#lesbian #dating #friendship #lonliness

[labrdorite]

nico sketches i did as a warmup + 20 minute s/i sketches i did while my hands were tembling for dear life (designing a s/i for him)

hi i sketched out my s/i for him (naming them ambrose for convenience)

they go to the same university he does, & are in the same grade, they’re just 3 years younger. (they’re also in a different major. they’re an illustrator while he’s a game designer :3)

literally struggling HARD with the move from online schooling to in person schooling they’re holding on for dear life. new school AND new state (thankfully they’d emailed back & forth with him before getting his disc. so they had a friend.

btw for first meeting stuff, while their first meeting was online, they were friends for a WHILEEE before dating. HOWEVER!

amb had to fake date him for so long bc they kept getting teased :/ literally had the whole ‘omg are you single do you have a bf my friend would LOVE to date you’ so they just blurted out that they & nico were dating so they both had to go along w it (pls read ‘starting with a lie’ by liang azha bc that plot is what im stealing for this!)

anyways cue faking dating scenarios except these two secretly like each other HARD FOR REALS but literally dont wanna say it bc its so difficult to make friends as it is and they dont wanna ruin that (+ feelings are complicated so they both just brush it off to ‘not interacting w anyone for a long time so its just infatuation’) whatever

universe crossover for my other oc f/o moots but hc their friends (your guys’ ships) are SOOOOOO sick of them. doing everything in their power to be supportive & not bully them for being dense /j

they end up working together on projects, and have their own personal project theyre working on! (nico has a concept for a game, & amb does all the illustrations and concept art for it) & hc they end up together once the game is completed bc that means SO much to me oh my goodness. THE LOVE BETWEEN A GAME DESIGNER & HIS ILLUSTRATOR YOU DONT GET IT!!!!

anyways. more amb facts. they have random moles across their body. also, like nico, their joints easily dislocate. (ankles, knees, and wrist specifically) bc fluid builds up easy. a side effect of sports injuries & the HARD STOP from being athletic that was a cultural shock to them.

they also have a hard time processing things, but dont know why. they just chalk it up to the three concussions they got in the span of 1 year & a half finally catching up with them (also constantly thinks theyre having a stroke bc they sometimes can’t comprehend easy, basic concepts, words, etc…. im projecting this is just real for me).

outside of drawing their hands are so useless. muscle spasms all over the place. (their mood also swings WILDLY sometimes. y’know how i always come on here wanting my blood vessels to explode then im fine moments later? yeah theyre like that but since it mimics my irl way of expressing emotions its worse)

they’re trying their best all the time ™️ pls be nice. (also v bad at social stuff tbh. but theyre trying. :3)

btw they’d 100% be mischaracterised as a ‘low maintenance friend’. nah. they don’t text ALL day ALL the time (or even a ‘normal amount’), but the do respond as best they can & always have large burst of convos. but seriously they’re that friend you hang out and just do nothing with their social battery is very smile

they know how to play volleyball & skateboard btw :3

also fun fact abt them but also abt me: they didnt know how to ride a bike until they were 14-15 :] (also they still cant ride one bc its been years… haha, totes not projecting…)

#— 🎨🩵 #🎮📘 #i still need a s/i tag ugggghhh

[necroromantics]

Also gonna make things clear cuz I've just been listening to my gf and not engaging but seriously man this is insane.

I'm not a Nazi, in the full screenshots which they cropped out, I said I had another server with absolutely no rules (besides dont be a pedo), and I was saying that in that server, everything was allowed. You people need to understand that not being able to care about something does NOT mean you support it. Its not black or white

I have NEVER said anything or made jokes regarding rape/sa, that is actually one of the things (including pedophilia) that I am very morally against. I have not spent so much of my time helping my friends report their rapists, helping vulnerable people get out of extortion online, and being there for the people in my life who have experienced that just for some randos online to lie to people about me.

The most I have made is your mom jokes and necro jokes, which I personally don't consider morally wrong, and if they are, then I'll work on it, but I don't have the same understanding of things like that. I never learned where the line is like most people have, and thats why Im dedicated to learning it in adulthood

And do not make drug use a moral issue. My "morality" about drug use is completely nonexistent because I grew up in that. I have spent many years heavily involved with drugs, I know exactly what its like, and nothing about drugs is a moral issue.

And here again the same issue of straight up fucking ableism bro. Don't try to shame me for not having conventional morals when you know damn well I, and many other people, struggle with conditions that impact that (ASPD). Hearing about the ableism towards people like me from these guys isn't surprising in the slightest

I'm not gonna say I didn't say those things, cuz like I said, I said those things, I made those jokes, and I've said worse. The difference now is that those things were said more than a year ago. It's insane how you act high and mighty and then judge me on things I said that long ago to friends who made the same jokes and encouraged that kind of behaviour (none of which I talk to anymore, for the exact reason that they encouraged my bad behaviour).

I said what I said, I know it was wrong, I take full accountability. I have spent my time since doing my best to be more than that. I have spent a lot of my time trying to adjust to moral and social norms, even when it gets really difficult and I have to deal with people like this who wont give me space to grow and change for the better.

I have amazing friends and mutuals and people in my life who support me because they know how hard I try. My girlfriend even is a fucking hardass and would NOT have put up with any of my shit if she didn't see how hard I try. I've spent a lot of time with people who are like how I was, people who have done and said much worse things than me, and I understand how uncomfortable and jarring it is. Thats exactly why I'm so passionate about being more than that. And thats why this situation bothers me so much.

You all talk about me and how I mention my disorder as if you're not just shitting on stuff that is directly tied into having ASPD. And to hear that you have a history of that stuff? Im not crazy to say theres a lot of ableism going on here. I will always be open and honest about the person I have been, but I want it to be used as a reference point for how much I've grown and changed since then.

I will always be an advocate for people like me. I will always give support and speak out for those who struggle with being treated like a bad person because of the things they say, not because of who they are. (And if you know anything about people, you know theres a huge difference)

You guys have been on me for MONTHS way after I blocked and went on with my life. In those months you've spent doing nothing but nitpicking everything single thing Ive ever done and constantly spreading negativity, I have been working on myself, and I hope that somewhere along the line, you guys have or will too

But anyways, I needed to get this out. I hope that this blows over and I can continue working on living a life full of joy and love and keeping the good people in my life. And despite everything, I hope that for all of you guys as well, I hope that you can find peace and some happiness where it counts

#tombtalk #thats all i think #cant please people who cant be pleased

[quietwingsinthesky]

i swear to god im going to write real fic again eventually but in the meantime here’s 2k of even & doctor angst and regret

“Don’t look at me like that,” Even says, softly. They won’t cross his TARDIS, won’t come closer to him. He doesn’t notice until he takes the first step, and they mirror him, keeping the console and the humming engine between them. He can only just see half of their face around it. “You don’t get to be disappointed in me.”

“How can you tell it’s a disappointed face? It’s a new face. Could mean anything.” He keeps walking, as though they’ll give up and stop and let him near. He catches them touch the console gently as they circle it, then snap their hand away like they’ve been burned, up to their chest to squeeze at- Nothing. They find empty air, and for a moment, they do freeze in place long enough for him to see the whole of them before they press their hand down and seem comforted by whatever they feel through the fabric of their shirt.

“It’s your face,” they answer. They sound uncertain.

They also aren’t wrong.

“What happened to you?” he asks, in lieu of saying something worse when they’re finally not trying to retreat from him. He dares a step closer and watches them tense like a frightened animal, shoulders drawn tight to make themselves smaller. He’s pictured finding Even, if they were alive, a thousand times over. When he was kinder to himself, he used to imagine that they’d grab his hands, overexcited and begging permission to touch more without being able to ask. (A regeneration ago, and he knows he would have pulled them in tight, buried his nose in their hair and held on until someone else interrupted him. Now, he’s not so sure, but he knows he wouldn’t let go of their hand.)

“I followed the Master,” they say. Their eyes cast away from him.

“You seem to be doing that a lot these days.” Even crosses their arms.

“Where else could I go?” they ask, standing in the middle of his TARDIS. Somewhere within her, their room is still waiting, untouched since they left.

They left.

“Home,” he intones, seriously, “where you’re supposed to be.”

Their mouth opens slightly in surprise before it curls around a sudden, “I can’t go home! You broke me!” The Doctor stops. All of him, from mind to body. Even one of his hearts misses a beat and leaves him with an aftermath of vertigo before it falls back in line. Even hadn’t raised their voice, but what tore through the air between them had been so angry- And had they ever been angry with him before? Just once in all their time together?

He watches their brief outburst crumple back inwards. Even blinks rapidly, pawing at whatever is beneath their shirt like it can steady them.

“Back with Donna,” he says, much quieter than he intends. Even blinks again, eyes clearly watering despite their attempts to stop it. “Making sure she’s safe.” He hasn’t let himself say her name in a long time. As though locking away the names of the people he cares about could keep them with him.

“Oh,” Even says, “you meant-”

Pettily, he adds, “You promised.” Whatever vulnerable thing had lighted on Even’s face when they heard Donna’s name evaporates, and that, he knows, is his fault. The brief vindication of their guilt isn’t worth it.

“What did you want me to do?” they beg. “Lie to her forever? Live my whole life with my best friend without being able to talk about any of the things that made us friends?”

“Did anyone tell you it would be easy?” he snaps. “Yes! She would have been safe!” You would have been safe, he couldn’t bring himself to say. He wants to believe, has to believe, that Even had ended up somewhere okay. Their present choice in company said otherwise, but more than that… He wonders if they know he can tell that some of their fingers are the wrong length. He’d almost thought he was misremembering, but they’re more incongruent upon further inspection — the shade of their skin slightly changed and the way they move. And that’s the part of them that he’s noticed has been modified. If there are others, he’s starting to think he just hasn’t seen them yet, not that they aren’t there.

They did a good job not answering his question earlier.

“I couldn’t live like that!” Even cries, cheeks finally stained with their first escaped tears. They flinch from the feeling of them, scrunching their eyes shut and failing to stop more. “Not with people I- I-“ Even makes a terrible noise, choked. The Doctor takes an unconscious step towards them, though he can’t make himself reach out to help. Their hesitation is too familiar to him, and his mind fills with a horrible litany of don’t stop there, say you didn’t learn to stop there from me, that can’t be the one thing you learned from me you didn’t forget. “With people I-“ Even makes a valiant second attempt. They fail. “People I cared about,” they finish, their failure obvious to themself and weighing heavily. “Care,” they correct, “care about.”

The TARDIS gives a warning hum as she nears her destination. He and Even both look up with recognition when they hear it.

He looks back at them before they do him. They gaze up at the TARDIS, towards the followable source of the noise — though the true source is somewhere else, much deeper within her. Their cheeks are still wet and their eyes are slightly red and puffy, but for those few seconds, their expression is one he’s missed so much that his hearts ache seeing it again: all wonder and delight at the TARDIS bringing them somewhere new.

And then their smile falls into a confused frown. They look at the Doctor, and then, gaze jumping to focus just over his shoulder instead, ask, “Doctor. Where are you taking me?”

He doesn’t have to answer. It was obvious where he thought they were supposed to be.

He’s going to say something, though. Maybe about the rarity of second chances.

Even’s expression goes blank. Against the contrast of their continuing tears, it’s unnerving. Without a word, they scan the TARDIS console. He doesn’t realize they actually know what they’re looking for until they’ve found it and dragged one lever into place with a protesting squeak. The TARDIS groans as she brakes in time.

The Doctor’s vision narrows to Even’s hand on the console. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing until his own hand is outstretched, and he hears the smack like a gunshot. Even jumps back, their eyes wide before they duck their head and brought their hand up against their lips. His palm stings slightly. On the tip of his tongue is a reprimand that dies before escaping. He’s standing as close to Even as they’ve allowed him to this entire time, and they’re cradling the hand he’d slapped away from the TARDIS’s controls.

They’d drawn the TARDIS to a halt properly, too. Not a guess or a reckless grab at any random button to throw them off-course.

They let their hand fall. There was a little red mark on it where he’d made contact.

“No,” they say.

“Even-”

“No,” they repeat. It scrapes out like a sob from the back of their throat.

“Then come with me.” He reaches out to touch their shoulder, and they move it inches from the tips of his fingers. “There’s room for you. You’ll meet Clara. You’d like Clara.” He has to say something to fill the air, or he’s going to keep staring at that fading red mark on their hand, feeling the skin on his palm slowly stop tingling. “You do the same thing with your eyes when you’re upset. You’ll have me outnumbered.” He wants Even’s eyes to go wide again and their lip to tremble, if only so he can point it out, just how similar they look and how well Even would get along with Clara if they were ever in the same room.

But Even doesn’t. They look exhausted instead.

“I already have a TARDIS to go to,” they say.

“Yes. Mine,” he insists, like he can make them stop before they say what he knows is coming. He’s still trying, though. He has to try.

“Mine.” He chooses to believe they’re just echoing what he said. (He misses when they did that, their voice catching the last words of his sentences and chirping them back again. He misses being caught in the loop himself, tossing a phrase back and forth until they couldn’t keep from laughing too hard to continue.) He chooses to believe that up until they say, voice strangely light compared to the rest of this conversation, “Missy will kill me if I’m late.”

He does not let his face fall. He does not let anything cross it, not anger or bitterness or grief.

Nonetheless, Even tilts their head slightly, brows knit, and adds, “I really can’t live here. Your TARDIS bites,” almost like an apology.

“And hers doesn’t?” He grips the TARDIS console, the contact with her controls calming him from the cool metal beneath his palms to the brushes of her consciousness against his own. He watches the stalled engine vibrate.

Even eyes him for a moment and cautiously steps closer into the space beside him. When he doesn’t move, they lay their hands on the console as well, mirroring his own. They twitch, once, a preemptive flinch and then, rest. He can feel every inch between their shoulders. Ghosts of laughter muffled against his coat or surprised grabs at his arm for reassurance haunt him. Even’s fingers curl, and they bring their hands together rather than keeping them outstretched and flat.

“No, actually,” they answer. “I think she’s too grateful for when we found and fixed her.” The Doctor chances turning his head to peer down at them.

His eyes catch on a shock of color amid their more subdued attire. They shift, and the color is swallowed up, melting into metallic grey, and revealing itself again the next time they adjust their stance. It’s a necklace, he realizes, chain interlaced with… something else. He finds the other spots of color easily, neon greens and yellows and blues. They look familiar.

“She does sometimes land us too close to walls, though,” Even continues. He can hear them smiling. “Most of the time, Missy stops before she runs into them. Most of the time.” He smiles despite himself, only half-listening as he studies their necklace or what he can see of it before it disappears beneath their shirt.

They’re beads. The pieces soldered into the chain are cheap, plastic beads.

The Doctor’s wrist feels suddenly bare, despite this wrist never having worn what it misses.

Even meets his eyes. They worry their lip between their teeth as they do, their effort to maintain it clear, and for that reason, he doesn’t look away for their sake like he might have otherwise.

“Would you really let me come back?” they say, slowly and carefully.

The Doctor doesn’t answer.

And he doesn’t answer.

And he doesn’t answer.

And finally, he says, “Yes.”

Even exhales and looks away. They squeeze their eyes shut.

When they extend their hand, it’s the Doctor’s turn to try not to flinch. He thinks he does an okay job of it, and if not, they aren’t looking anyway. The feel of their fingers wrapping loosely around his wrist is both new and familiar. Their adjust their grip as they bring his hand towards them, getting used to the changes they should have been expecting but that he knows they still weren’t, despite hearing his new voice and looking at his new face and knowing it wasn’t even the first he’d had since they’d last touched him.

Even draws his hand close to their chest and hesitates. They squeeze it once and continue. They hold it to their chest. He finds the outline of something beneath their shirt. They press his hand closer, eyes shut. The Doctor feels out the edges of the hidden object, round and hard, with no give but its own heat, its own energy pulsing with a steady rhythm that Even must feel in their chest constantly with it so near their skin. He runs his thumb over it again.

“I can’t stay with you.” Another apology. Their other hand comes up to cover what’s left of his that the first didn’t.

The Doctor finally knows how he could convince them. He can read it in the way they hold on. He knows exactly what he has to say to make it impossible for them to leave.

“Keep me close,” he says instead. Even huffs a little laugh.

“I try.” They release his hand, and with his invitation gone, he doesn’t try to take more than they’ve allowed. They aren’t running from him anymore. He knows how hard that is.

When he puts the TARDIS in motion again, he does everything he can not to think of Even’s intended destination, where or what or who it is, and to exist in the few moments they have together.

(He finds the box tucked into a corner of his own room, though he knows he didn’t leave it there. The TARDIS wants him to have it back. He takes out cheap, stretchy plastic bands and multicolored beads and lays them in a dozen rows of different shades before he makes anything from them. It goes much slower when he’s the only one sorting them out.

He strings them together, one by one. He tries to remember the colors he saw. He remembers their original order, but some were lost along the way and what’s the point in a friendship bracelet that doesn’t match?

Clara comments on it when she sees it. She says it’s cute, with a quirk to her mouth and eyebrows that says she’s confused but humoring him.

The Doctor tries not to take it off again, for however long that might last. He hopes it’s at least until Even sees it.)

#fanfiction #dw oc #doctor who

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#mine #vent #abuse mention// #i had to get all this out im literally so fucking pissed #i went to get food after starving all day bc my abuser was here #and my mom stood in the kitchen doorway and glared at me for almost a full minute #and when i snapped 'what' she cursed me out. bc. u know. #i fucking snapped hearing my abuser SCREAMING for two days straight. #oh but if /i/ have a meltdown where /i/ scream and throw a ~tantrum~? #then it's 'grow the fuck up. ur so immature'. #my sister is fucking 30 years old. and has NEVER fucking honed in her anger. EVER. #but IM the immature one here. not the 30 y/o with TWO CHILDREN WHO NEVER LEARNED TO CONTROL HER ANGER #im so done. #i literally bend over backwards being everyone's goddamn therapist #& then get told im a piece of shit when i too have human emotions & reactions to TRAUMA. #im done! im done. im done. #yall want a fucking apathetic snippy selfish piece of shit i always get framed as for being fucking burnt out after being brutalized #every goddamn day & losing everything in a year? fine. im done being a therapist for fucking free & suffering in silence alone #fuck this shit

[femmesandhoney]

If it's not too intrusive can I ask how you deal w your pmdd ?

I dont have it but my PMS is fucking brutal I was depressed fucking felt like paralyzed in bed due to anxiety, didnt go to classes,then like a few days later i got my period and then everything made sense.

But i just cant like lose a week of my life like this every month. How do you deal with it?

i went on birth control for it but got off of it after a year bc i decided i disliked the effects of birth control, but that did help my symptoms tons and i wouldn't lie to anyone who wanted to go on it bc it did help me, i made a choice to get off of it unrelated to my pmdd.

managing symptoms can be difficult, often my first "response" is to recognize when my emotions are being affected by my pmdd. usually i can tell pretty quickly bc one day i'll walk up and everything makes me rage at the drop of a hat and then get very sad or agitated just as quick, my emotional regulation just being absolutely dogshit to concern anyone around me if they happen to be on the receiving end of my aggression or if they could jump inside my head and see how it was playing out. after so many years knowing i have pmdd, im able to recognize how a lot of that emotional instability isn't "me" and that im being affected by an "outside" force (oncoming period and hormones dropping). i usually do my best to stay mindful of my reactions then and try and do stuff that calms me down and gets my mind away from what had ruptured my emotional state. usually this occurs right in the morning when i get up, so its a fairly quick light bulb moment for me.

and im definitely used to like a shit ton of negative self talk that over the years ive gotten a better hand on, so when those real lows come around, im much better at talking myself out of those low states, but my pmdd doesn't manifest as strongly or too long with huge depressive states. usually, i just try to find other things to distract me when i feel that low, like chatting with friends, family, watching a movie, going on a walk, eating good food, no matter how small can help shift my mood to a more positive direction. when we're down, our brains are really good at thinking about other sad shit, bc our brain sucks like that, so getting ahead of that curve and trying to intentionally distract yourself with better things can generally help. but again, do not feel bad if that doesn't work for you, bc long depressive states aren't what i normally deal with and my advice is general here.

in terms of anxiety and similar emotions, i feel you deeply there. i manage that similar to how i manage any form of anxiety, which is just to do whatever it is that my anxiety thinks i cannot do, as thats the quickest way to rewrite that pathway in ur brain. it can seem very daunting, but it really does help and you can take baby steps all the while. and usually i end up feeling better after i go to whatever it was i was terrified to go to, which when we're feeling terrible af can sometimes make our day a bit better.

i would also say, sometimes i don't do anything during my pmdd time either bc it really does feel like shit even when ive tried combating it and being mindful of myself, some days really do just suck and i wanna lay in bed and hermit away. i don't think you should beat yourself up about that if some months that happens. its gonna happen again even after we have some successes, pmdd can be very unpredictable and sometimes our environment and our day to day lives just affect it even more and cause some months to be worse than others, and that doesn't mean you're lazy or not trying hard enough or anything like that.

#pmdd #i hope this somewhat can be helpful to you #my main things are pretty much mindfulness and distraction tbh #but exercise can be helpful (i never mean intense workout unless thats ur jam) bc going outside can be meditative for us when we really nee #to try and shift our mood to a more neutral place #I've also been managing my pmdd like this for a few yrs now so ive had a lot of practice at finding ways to deal w it that work for me #so don't feel bad if my methods don't help you either im positive you'll find ways even if that includes meds!

[kittycattoys]

Everything Has Gone To Shit - Billy Hargove Epilogue

Masterlist

Warnings: 18+ content, talk of Child death, implied alcoholism, implied drug use, arguments, talk of neglect, Soft! Billy, smut, P in V, Unprotected, Overstim, use of the word whore

Every Hopper!Reader fic I find forgets what happened to Sarah this one doesn't

Mixture of first and third person POV

____________________________________

I thought life was perfect I had a loving mother and father. I even had a little sister, Sara, that was basically a bilt in best friend. That was all until she got sick, horribly sick, that she ended up passing away from.

Life changed after that. No one processed the death well. My mom blamed it completely on my father. I still remember the fight. I was supposed to be asleep.

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME" mother's voice echoed though the apartment

"Diane please calm down"

"CALM DOWN YOU SERIOUSLY THINK ILL CALM DOWN AFTER YOU LIED TO ME FOR YEARS"

"I didn't lie to you"

"OH AND WHAT WOULD YOU CALL NOT TELLING ME THAT WE HAVE TO WATCH OUR KIDS DIE"

"I didn't think it would happen after they came out healthy"

"AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS EXPECTING"

"Because-"

"BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T REALLY CARE DID YOU" He didn't reply to scared to speak "IM RIGHT AREN'T I WELL YOU CAN BE THE ONE TAKE CARE OF Y/N UNTIL SHE DIES"

She left slamming the door. He cried for the rest of the night. I only found out years later what that fight was about. She only came back to grab her share of things barely even looking at me.

It wasn't long after that we moved to New York City. He became a police officer there meaning he was gone half of the time and the other half he was drinking.

I had to take care of myself for years. There were good days where he would be the same loving father I knew from before. Those days gave me hope he would get better.

The worst bit of living with him was every cold, every sickness ment I went to the hospital. He freaked out at every cough.

Eventually I got tired of it and called I my mom repeatedly asking her to take me. A bunch of calls later and she finally gave in.

He agreed to let me go as long as he got to see me for holidays. Years passed, he moved back to Hawkins, and I saw him get better and better but I was afraid to move back afraid he would get worse again.

When I visited him again for Christmas vacation he showed up with his normal dorky smile giving you a nice warm hug. The normal stuff he did every time he picked me up.

"I have something to show you" he said after getting into his car

"Let me guess a Christmas surprise"

"Something like that"

We spent most of the drive catching up from the several months we were apart. I was surprised when he pulled into the woods and stopped.

"are we going to chop down a Christmas tree"

"Nope just follow me"

We walked deeper into the woods and there was a cabin. I was so confused I was about to walk slightly ahead of him but he stopped me pointing at a trip wire leaving me more confused.

When we got to the cabin he knocked on the door in small increments.

"What are you doing"

"Knocking" before I could question more the door opened. I look inside to find a kid with short hair. They looked even more confused then I was "Y/n I'd like you to meet your new lil sister El"

"So you brought me out here to show me a kid and say it's my sister" he looked baffled at my response "so were you cheating on Mom and just found out you had a bastard child or what"

"Bastard?" She said listening in on the conversation

"Don't say that word" he said pointing at her before pointing at me "and no it's not like that"

"Well she's the right age"

"Just don't tell anyone about her"

"Why your afraid having a bastard child will ruin your reputation Chief"

"No she's not my child-"

"Oh so then you stole her that's even worse"

"No you wouldn't believe me if I told you the truth"

"That's just an excuse not to tell me"

"Maybe... I'll tell you later just please try to bond with her she doesn't have anyone else"

"You better be treating her better than you treated me" I said heading for the door

"Where are you going?"

"To get my suitcase"

I ended up staying at in the same room as her. A couple days had passed. Her and I played bored games for most of the days while he occasionally joined in. But now he was out on a emergency call

"So what's your story"

"Story?" She asked confused

"You know your life story" she looked more confused "Ok how about I ask you questions and you give me answers"

"Ok"

"If you aren't his child how did you fall under his care"

"He saved me"

"Ok not very descriptive but I'll take it. Where are your actual parents"

"Gone"

"Ok then. Why is your hair shaved did your Mom want a boy or what" before she could answer there was a knock at the door "I'll get it"

"No" I stared at her confused as she let the knock finish. I heard the latch unlocked and quickly turned my head as the door opened

"What the fuck was that"

Eventually I got an explanation to everything but I didn't believe him who would. I tried to leave to call my mom and child protective services but as I tried to open the door it slammed back shut. I knew then he was telling the truth.

He begged me to move back in with him and I agreed after the school year was over.

****1st person****

"Park here please" Y/n said sitting in the car with her father

"Why"

"Because kids are going to hate me if they find out I'm the Chief of police's daughter"

"Good point"

He pulled over letting her out saying a good bye as she headed off. She had to start the school year late because it took he awhile to move and get the legal work done for her to go to school.

Her mom didn't care about her leaving in fact she was happy. Really proving how much she really cared.

When she arrived at her class the teacher stopped her before she could sit down.

"let's all welcome the police chief's daughter" the teacher said as she glared at her. Instantly all the kids started mumbling loudly.

'I thought the Chiefs daughter died' 'No that's her sister' 'I wouldn't want to do anything with her she will probably tell her father' 'She's probably a snitch' were said by multiple people.

It was practically revealed to the whole school by lunch time so it surprised her when she a man leaned against the locker next to hers. She tried to ignore him at first expecting him to have eather gotten the wrong locker or he was a bully. But he was persistent.

"You going to make me stand here all day, darling" he said grabbing her attention

"Oh I didn't even notice you"

"Now I know that's a lie I can tell you were trying to ignore me"

"And how would you know that"

"Because no woman can not notice me" he said that in a sarcastic and charming way "I'm Billy Hargove I'm new here"

"I'm Y/n I'm also new"

"Oh so your the girl everyone is talking about" she let out a sigh hanging her head down of course he knew. She expected him to leave but he stayed.

"Your not going to avoid me"

"Our parents don't define us sweetheart" he smiled at her "Can you answer a question for me though. How can you be the Chiefs daughter and still be new"

"I lived with my mother up until recently"

"And another question will you go to this party with me" he said handing her a orange flyer.

"I don't know my father's really strict and practically everyone here hates me already"

"They won't recognize you in costume" he joked

"Fuck it I'll sneak out"

"We'll rule over this school together deal"

"Deal"

She found herself thinking about him the rest of the day.

********

She made up an excuse for why she wasn't going back to the cabin telling her father that she made some friends she was going to hang out with. She then went to the Halloween store buying a slutty costume.

When she arrived at the party she saw Billy upsidedown doing a keg stand with people all around him chanting 'chug'. As he was let down he noticed her.

"You actually came" he said walking over to her

"What did you take me for a pussy Hargove"

"This costume looks good on you Y/n" a blush crept up her cheeks at his complement "Let's go inside and dance"

********

They danced and drank for awhile but eventually grew bored and went outside to talk on the back steps. He lit up a new cigarette as he sat.

"So where are you from" she asked trying her best to relax on the hard concrete

"We're just going to do small talk" he chuckled

"Come on tell me" she nudged his side

"Fine, California"

"I want to go there eventually, visit Disneyland, I've never been to the beach actually"

"Alright now you need to tell me where your from"

"The city an hour away, but I did live in New York for awhile"

"You lived in New York and didn't see the beach"

"Yeah that's what happens when you live with a depressed asshole" he looked at her with confusion "My father, My Mother didn't want me after my sister died. I had to beg her to take me in and even then she treated me like shit. Sorry I'm over sharing"

"It's ok my parents aren't the best eather" He gave her a comforting look. His eyes moved down to her lips. Slowly he moved twords her lips giving her plenty of time to push away if she wanted to. Her lips were soft and tasted of vanilla chapstick.

They kiss for awhile before Billy pulled away. He stood up and offered his hand to her. She took it standing up. He lead her away from the party twords his car.

********

It all was a blur arriving at his house, stumbling to his bedroom, taking off each other's clothes. He wasted no time getting down to business. But for his lack impatience he sure as hell had stamina.

It was nearing on an hour now and he was still going strong.

"Please Billy it's to much" she sobbed out

"Come on I know you have one more in you, just one more" she let out a whine as he continued to pound into her. He moved his hand down to play with her swollen clit.

He let out a loud groan, his cum filling her as her walls fluttered around him. He rested on his elbows, lightly putting his weight on her, as he caught his breath. Slowly and carefully he pulled out and grabbed a wipe out of his bed side table, wiping them both clean.

He moved away from the bed, pulling on a pair of boxers. She sat up and started to feel insecure. Was he just using her for a release? Sure she enjoyed it but he probably won't talk to her again after this.

"You ok" he saw the way she played with her thumbs.

"Yeah I'm fine"

"Are you sure"

"Yep... Um can I stay the night. I told my dad I wasn't going to be home tonight thinking I could sleep-" he stopped her ranting by cupping her face being surprisingly gentle.

"Of course" he surprised her even more when he invited her to cuddle.

********

When Billy woke up Y/n wasn't in the bed with him. Nor was she in the room. He shouldn't of been surprised most girls didn't stay the night and none of them stayed till morning. So why did this time sting so much.

He let out a shakey breath as he sat on the edge of the bed. Just then the door to his room opened and she walked in. She wore his shirt which covered her entire torso down to her mid thighs. She noticed his stare and started fiddling with the hem of the shirt.

"Um I-I had to use the bathroom I'm sorry if I woke you"

"I didn't even notice you leave" it came out ruder then he ment

"Oh Ok" she moved looking for her clothes from last night. Quickly getting dressed and moving to leave.

********

It had been a few days since and Billy couldn't get her out of his mind. He tried to move on find the next girl. But every time he walked up to a girl he saw her sad stares out of the corner of his eye. It shouldn't have effected but it did.

He tried the tactic of leaning on the locker next to her again. But once again she was ignoring him. "Hey" he tried to get her attention, slightly shuting her locker. She only gave him a glare. As she finished with her locker and tried to walk away, he grabbed her hand.

"Fuck off Billy" she broke out of his grip.

"Come on Y/n"

"No. I'm not going to let you do this again, you fucking used me just because I'm new. Why don't you just use one of the whores who will drop at your feet"

"What happened to us ruling the school together" she paused

"That was just a line"

"Maybe it was maybe it wasn't eather way I can't get you out of my mind"

"Fine one more date but that's it"

That wasn't the only date they would go on together

Part 1

#stranger things #smut #stranger things smut #billy hargove imagine #billy hargove smut #billy hargove fanfic #billy hargove x reader #angst #soft!billy hargrove

[eldragon-x]

thinking about that set of tags of yours that went like "bill was i had it worse-ing on that penthouse with ford" bc like, this is the equivalent of trying to get your ""friend"" to join your gang bc you assume that the end justifies the means enough that this guy should be grateful you're even going out of your way to make this offer to him! so to make up for the fact that this poor fool ISN'T in awe of you, you NEED to point out how much Better you could be for him than anyone else. and then. he has the audacity to go and act like he's """suffered""" anywhere near YOU have.

the urge to throttle bill and hold him is always 50/50

im so sorry this got a bit long im insane about him.

GOD LITERALLY I do think Bill's like really Stanford I gave you the blueprints to the portal and promised you would change the world and then you throw it all away and shut me out??? Can't even appreciate all I did for you 🙄 But hey you can still come back to me y'know it's not too late! No? Wow okay, ungrateful stick in the mud.

And yeah that scene in the Penthouse is really just Bill going "Oh you think those chains are tight? Well at least you haven't been trapped in my home dimension. Now let me tell you a bit about my horrible backstory so you realize how alike we actually are and that you should totally join me." While Ford is literally just standing there chained and blowing Bill up with his mind.

And it's all so contradictory because as I like to say, Bill believes whatever is convenient to him. Lie until you aren't lying anymore. The one truth this sad bastard has is that as much as he hates it, he also misses his dimension and wants to go back and he's grieving but he can't acknowledge that ever, of course. He can't ever acknowledge his fuckups because he's always right and things go his way all the time! No he doesn't miss having Ford as a friend, his gloating at Ford was completely planned and he can always utilize the betrayal to mock Ford whenever he feels like it! Also Ford is so naive and unappreciative and disloyal for not joining Bill and cutting him out in the first place.

Also I can so easily imagine Bill seeing his suffering as a justification for his actions. He wasn't allowed to have anything in his dimension and was so restrained so now he gets to do whatever he wants and rip apart reality! And the only reason anyone ever tried to stop him from doing this is because they simply don't know better, just as he once didn't know about the freedom outside the second dimension! Really everyone should just let him do his thing because he knows best!!

#gf #bill tag

[ashstillalive]

Never apologise for accepting your trauma.

Tw Abuse, Mentions of Suicidal thoughts, Violence

I want to speak out about my experience with abuse. Not by a creator, But by someone i considered a friend. We'll call him E.

Me and E dated for a few months in the end of 2021- early 2022. We broke up in early February of 2022 and stayed friends until late march early april of last year. During the last few months of our friendship E became extremely hostile towards me. He would Punch me in the arm daily and tell me to kms. Every single day, Sometimes multiple times a day If i even thought about shoving him back in a joking way it would be "go kys you f*cking slag". At first i thought it was a joke taking it in stride Yes maybe with a few more suicidal thoughts than before but i chalked that up to my mental health deteriorating. What I didn't realise is why my mental health was deteriorating so suddenly. It was all fun and games until my best friend (who we'll call F) would shove me in the arm truly jokingly i would Flinch and takes a sharp intake of breath because my arm had become so tender and sore it was incredibly painful for me to touch. Thats when I realised something was wrong and i reached out to my friends asking for advice. I didn't name any names at first knowing alot of my friends were mutual friends of his. I told them what i was going through and every one i told said it was abuse. Whether that was my friends, My brother, My aunt, And even my parents. But one friend turned to me later that night and tried to justify everything he did to me saying "It was just a joke." And it was "Who E was". I won't lie that did hurt, One of my closest friends trying to justify what my abuser was doing to me. To this day (This happened almost a year ago) I can't walk infront of him down stairs, I panic when I'm within 2 meters of him, I Have a full blown panic attack and feel physically sick when im in a group setting with him, I can feel the bile rising in my throught when i try and talk normally to him.

This is my experience and my experience alone, Every experience is extremely valid and just because someone elses experience may be worse or diffent to yours doesn't mean yours is any less valid. I was lucky enought to have F and all my family with you and i want you all to know your loved if not by anyone else but by me. Take as long as you need to process your experience and take care of yourselfs<3

F here, just remeber people like E dont deserve you nor does anyone who tries to justify such actions, dont let yourself fall victim to this sort of stuff and always consider the warning signs and leave them immediately <3

#vent post #trauma #tw abuse #tw vent #tw violence #tw trauma #stay safe #be safe #love yourself

[luxeberries]

so, steve harrington in season 1, also known as king steve. we dont get to see a lot of him and the fandom is pretty undecided in who king steve is, by which i mean, just how much of a piece of shit was king steve? all interpretations are valid, and he's fun to play around with, but i always think, like. rewatching s1, he's just...not that bad. his potential to be a dick and him actively being a dick are two very different things. he has the potential, but we only see him actively being a dick when he's at his lowest point (and when it's justified).

so. i think steve's reputation as 'that douchebag steve harrington' (thank you lucas) is best summed up by this interaction:

warning: this is going to be very long and rambly bc thats just my *waves vaguely at my brain and whatever is wrong with it* taking the reins and nosediving into a pit. so here's a readmore cut. consider reading more.

its kind of hard because s1 steve has a lot going on before we even meet him. like. okay so:

option 1: nancy is the reason steve becomes a better person, as proven by tommy saying nancy turned steve 'into a little pussy'.

this would mean that as of episode one, steve is in the sort of middle of his arc. he already knows nancy and already cares for her (more than other girls he's been with), and is therefore already trying to be better. meaning the steve we are seeing in episode one isn't the king steve that tommy knows, that steve used to be a worse person before nancy came into his life.

but then we have-

option 2: the steve we meet in episode one is how steve has always been.

and by that i mean:

throughout the season, whenever tommy and carol are talking shit or acting like assholes, steve either half-heartedly tells them to shut up or he just laughs awkwardly. he never participates. he's just kind of there while tommy and carol mock and tease people.

when carol is talking about how she told her teacher to blow her or whatever that cringe shit was, steve calls bullshit and stays quiet while tommy laughs and he and carol continue dunking on this poor teacher. steve doesn't laugh with them and he isn't even smiling.

as far as i remember, the only time steve participates in a conversation like that is when jonathan is pinning missing posters up. carol says 'oh god. look' in this disgusted tone and she and tommy proceed to talk shit about jonathan, but all steve says is 'oh god, that's depressing' in a tone that could definitely be mocking, but also isnt, really? like hes picking at the fact its jonathan byers and that he's putting up posters for his little brother, who steve's friends seem to think is definitely dead because it's that family. but the way steve says it is like. like its so neutral but i just know there's something in there that's mocking. like he thinks its a pathetic sight. but his tone isn't nearly as disgusted as carol's is and he tells tommy to shut up after he says jonathan killed will.

steve never talks shit, but is that because of option 1 or option 2?

like. we know steve can be bitchy if he wants to be. the first thing he does when robin says she has a crush on tammy thompson is mock her singing and her dreams about going to nashville or whatever, but the thing with that is he was doing it to make robin laugh. making fun of tammy wasn't really about making fun of tammy, it was about making robin feel safe.

so, our boy can talk shit, but he chooses not to.

now, if it was because of nancy, im not gonna lie, i think it would be as simple as showing steve glance at nancy as if checking for her reaction before scolding his friends, but he never does.

so that brings us to option 2. (the one I personally subscribe to)

tommy and carol never call steve out when he scolds them. they dont think it's weird at all, implying this must be a pretty normal reaction for steve to have. maybe they read it as a light-hearted 'shut up, man' when, really, it's steve's weak, half-hearted attempt at getting them to stop before they go too far.

i'm not saying that steve wasn't a bad person- he was. like, half of the characters have said so. im not gonna lie, though, the only character's opinion about King Steve i really care for is robin's. lucas and the kids know steve sucks, but they're in middle school at that point and they probably only know steve through rumours. and eddie is...well its weird actually because eddie talks like he didn't actually know steve? as if eddie wouldn't know just how much of a douchebag king steve really is. so I'm ignoring that.

so robin. her main complaint about steve was that he never noticed her in the two days a week for a year that she sat behind him in class. she says she didn't understand why tammy liked him so much because 'you asked dumb questions, got bagel crumbs all over the floor and you were a douchebag'. she never elaborates on why he was a douchebag but i took this to mean steve only cared about himself and his clique so he kept his back turned to robin buckley for a whole year.

steve keeps his back turned to a lot of things, actually. tommy kind of says it himself in a line i think is strange: 'run away, just like you always do'. because when has steve ever ran away before this point? steve doesn't run, steve avoids.

he doesn't participate in this conversation:

he can't even look at jonathan after he broke his camera:

when tommy is graffitiing he just stands to the side:

and later, he says:

and tommy says,

and it just!!! sums King Steve up so fucking well!!!

steve is a douchebag, but not because he actively hurts people, but because he passively allows his friends to. because he was too wrapped up in the bullshit of the high school social hierachy and his reputation. 'because tommy h would have made fun of me or i wouldn't have been prom king'.

in this scene:

[id: a video of steve, nancy, tommy, carol, and barb in the school hallway. steve snatches flash cards from barb's hands without looking at her. as tommy h walks past barb, he jams his finger in her ear. barb cringes and rubs her ear. end id]

not only does steve straight up not see tommy messing with barb, but it's also like he doesn't even notice barb is there, even when he's snatching the flash cards from her hands. like, its interesting. because this action comes off as steve teasing nancy, like..when you snatch book from someone and raise it out of their reach in a fun friendly way. but he doesn't take the cards from nancy, he takes them from barb. and it's like he doesn't realise. it's like for all he cares he snatched those cards from nancy's bag or something. he doesn't fucking look at barb! he doesn't care about barb! he's focused on nancy and his friends, barb may as well not even be there!

in less than five seconds, steve and tommy just made barb feel like shit, and steve doesn't even fucking realise. but tommy does, because tommy did it on purpose.

steve doesn't notice tommy sticking his finger in barb's ear, he doesn't care enough about jonathan to actually call tommy out on what he said, he doesn't care enough about carol's fucking teacher to say 'hey, carol, what the hell was that even for?', he doesn't care enough about barb to make sure she's okay when she slices her hand, he doesn't care enough about anyone in miss click's class to turn around and chat with robin buckley.

actually no i take that back because if steve has proved anything about himself it's that he cares so much. no its more like:

he doesn't notice tommy sticking his finger in barb's ear because he's too busy reassuring nancy and inviting her to the party because he likes nancy and wants her there.

he doesn't call out tommy any further than telling him to shut up because properly calling him out would mean risking their friendship and his reputation as King Steve and steve cares too much about both of those things. the same goes for carol's thing.

he doesn't make sure barb is okay when she slices her hand, but he does keep an eye on her while she heads inside until he's distracted by his friends and the girl he has a crush on.

he doesn't talk to robin buckley because he's too busy asking 'dumb questions' because he wants to better understand the class because we all know he's bad at academics. and, to be fair, he was also probably to busy chatting to other people 'worth his time', I once again reference 'because tommy h would have made fun of me'.

he is hurting people but not intentionally like his friends do. he's just so wrapped up in his own bullshit that he let's things slide so he doesn't have to confront the issue and lose his standing as King. unlike his friends, steve doesn't enjoy hurting people.

when steve breaks jonathan's camera, its because jonathan spied on steve and his friends and took multiple photos of nancy in a private moment. jonathan was creepy, steve got (rightfully) pissed off, and smashed the camera. and it's so clear on his face that he doesn't feel good about doing it. tommy, carol and nicole are entertained by it, they laugh. but steve's face is hard-set and he looks away from jonathan, eyes unfocused. like he can't even face the damage he caused, like he doesn't want to see jonathan's defeated expression. he closes himself off the second the camera hits the ground and he immediately leaves. and while his back is turned, tommy and carol linger behind and bully jonathan some more because its fun for them.

when steve picks that fight with jonathan later on, steve is at the lowest we've seen him, probably the lowest he's ever been. the first girl he's ever truly cared about has (as far as he knows) cheated on him with jonathan byers, then she slapped steve (which, btw, tommy looked entertained at), humbled him in front of his friends? that's fucking mortifying, that's a serious hit to his reputation. this is King Steve! untouchable, girls love him, would never dream of cheating on him, King of Hawkins' High, Steve Harrington.

but, actually, did steve care? no. his friends seem to care more about that than steve does. steve was angry and upset but it was implied to be tommy's idea to graffiti the theatre and steve just didn't tell him to stop. it's tommy who publicly humiliates nancy, while steve keeps the actual fight between him and nancy (and his friends because they were there).

in this moment, steve doesn't care about his reputation. he just feels betrayed, he's angry at himself for worrying about nancy and he looks a second away from crying and it breaks my fucking heart!

so then why does he provoke jonathan? is it an attempt at saving his dignity after being cheated on with jonathan byers, creepy loner guy? is it because tommy would have mocked him for letting him go without a fight?

because the second before that first shove, steve seems to make a decision. he sweeps up his hair and squares his shoulders, as if putting on that King Steve persona, closes himself off again just like after breaking the camera. his voice is steady when he throws out those insults, which is something he's never done up until this point - steve doesn't talk shit, we've established that, but the shit he says is cruel. he digs at sore spots he might not even realise he's digging at, he says 'but the byers? their family, it's a disgrace to the entire-'. and it sounds parroted, like something his parents have said before because they definitely talk shit like that. it doesn't sound like his words, he might not even really mean it, he just wants to get under jonathan's skin and by God does it work.

but he doesn't enjoy the fight like the others do, he doesn't enjoy seeing 'nancy the slut wheeler' scrawled across the theatre marquee, he doesn't enjoy making fun of people.

steve only does those things when he's at his lowest point. he tells nancy to go to hell, he provokes jonathan into a fight, he shouts at carol and finally fucking calls them out on their bullshit because they're insulting nancy and, by extension, steve, because they don't realise that steve genuinely cares about nancy. they don't get it because they don't care about anyone but themselves and neither did steve, until nancy. nancy, who despite being the perfect girl, still doesn't match up to C+T's standards. ('maybe because tommy h would have made fun of me', steve said about dating a girl like robin).

maybe nancy was the catalyst to his redemption arc, or maybe over the years he just grew tired and sad and started to change his ways because -

the steve we know is so caring and good and sweet and protective and he laughs and jokes with his friends apologises when he crosses the line and he constantly puts himself in danger to keep the others safe and maybe he was always like that but just never got a chance to be like that because of the environment he was in like we know his dad at least is an asshole and they don't get along at all and tommy and carol are mean and miserable for no reason and they're not fun to be around but then he met nancy, sweet compassionate nancy and he could be himself around her he could be sweet and charming and call her beautiful and keep his hand on her knee and then it all fucks up and he thinks 'i cant believe I actually worried about her' because this is what happens!!!! he loves people so much and they constantly disappoint him!!! and then he stands by as his friends call her a slut in writing and he picks a fight and then his friends don't even fucking realise that he's genuinely upset and he genuinely feels betrayed and they're making it worse because they're fucking joking about it and he leaves and he goes to Jonathan byers fucking house to apologise!! he's apologising to the guy who his girlfriend cheated with because he insulted his family and that's not who he really is and he bought him a new fucking camera because the second he broke it he felt horrible it's like all it took for steve to finally snap was nancy and jonathan's sad little faces and I just fucking!!!! i get why people like stoncy now!!!! FUCK!!!!

fuck I just

steve!!!!! fucking harrington!!!!

sorry!!! to sum up!!!!

King Steve was dick because he was too obsessed with being King Steve, being popular, being prom king. i don't think he was ever really a bully or a particularly mean person. i do think he was rude and i think he might have snarked at teachers and i reckon if someone ever insulted him or Tommy he wouldn't hesitate to spit venom at them. i like to play with the idea that he was the guy shoving kids into lockers but i can't really imagine he was ever that cruel. steve is a ridiculously good person and i think he isn't capable of the bullying his friends participate in. i mean the look on his face when he breaks jonathan's camera is just... ugh. anyway.

I'm going in circles now. i love Steve so much. that's it.



#stranger things #steve harrington #steddie #fuck you im tagging for exposure #this took me too fucking long to put into words #and i had to rewrite half bc my app crashed #it's 5am

[druid-delaluna]

may i ask what happens between you, the fandom, and the crew if you're comfortable recounting? im thinking about getting back into eddsworld after a rocky start in the fandom, but if stuff is worse then..

I want to say firstly if you want to join the fandom don't let my views or story sway you in any way. It's all under the cut please don't go harassing people on my behalf or because you feel you're doing anything good.

A lot of people were victims, including myself of the crew (and by crew I mean those active in the Eddsworld discord before the Patreon change) aggressive and just mean behavior and actions. I'm talking a lot of mad shit spoken, arguments, fights, petty ass drama, and in my case. A lie created by Oblivion/Neep/Prince Jayden to have me kicked from the server. (from what I understand Collin/Jon and a few other crew members were involved as well)That I leaked the Patreon when I never had paid for it. I never had access to it. Either they knew this and didn't care or Bing forgot to mention old mods didn't have to pay for it. I really don't care who did it as most of them dislike me. They didn't like that I was quite blunt with my disapproval and had harsh opinions on their behavior and what was going on with the show. So since they couldn't actually just outright kick me, they figure getting me with this lie was good enough. Bing coming to apologize wasn't because he actually cared, it was more or less damage control pushed by another person, who I got all this information from. Then, you add in all the past grooming and SA crap that happened last summer. On top of these same people going to harass server members and their ex-friends. It is toxic, it is shameful. You think people who have done such bad things would wake up to the fact maybe you're the bad guy in this. You are doing terrible things for what? Your name on a show riddle with issues? Don't you have anything else going for you? I realize I'm tired, I got burnt out fighting and fighting for what I thought was the right thing but man I'm getting old myself I got a lot of opportunities elsewhere.

Regarding fandom, those very same people are now working on the show (SKL was involved too) so it's like I don't want to see them of course. So better I leave, block it all, and try to find some calm back in my fandom/internet life. As well as my own friends being targeted by them or by others over very petty nonsense. I feel bad that perhaps Jayden and the rest are targeting my friends cause of me, maybe they're trying to get at me. So leaving might make it easier on them. I'm not sure. There have been some awful harassment and bullying issues. The fact fandom rightfully opens the discussion of using fascism tropes with the red army but then ignores the rampant racism going on. Also since so many of the older fans are leaving, the younger ones are starting to repeat the same harmful discussions of irl vs show and using that dead man name to push their views.

(Take this next part with a hard grain of salt) Down to the fact that we might not know 100% what happen between Edd Gould and Cal from the google docs. But when I asked Matt about it he couldn't seem to tell us that Cal was an adult at the time of their relationship. I know England laws are different than the states but if you can't just say your friend was dating an adult and kinda avoiding the discussion something very weird going on.

Now if you wanna come back, just stick in your own lane, make your little friend groups, and just have fun is my best advice. Avoid these users as they are very twoface like the rest of the crew. During my time as curator and I got to see those masks drop when they realize you didn't suck up to them. It wasn't just me they acted like this with and I feel so bad for others they hurt to get the positions they have today. It wasn't fair and I understand why removing the one person who stood up to it all was in their mindset as they continue to harm others. I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe it was just all in my head but after finding out from one of them what really happen, it fucking disgusting why they did this. Hope this help explain why I left the fandom and why I dislike the crew so much.

UPDATE: 5/1/2023 As of today Oblivion and Neepin have reached out to apologize for their involvement and behavior towards me and others. I appreciate this and I'm glad they are coming to see what they did was very wrong.

#its been this crap for over 4 years man