#i probably should get back on my anti depressants

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#barely heard a word from my friends and its been 2 months now #apart from ryan no one hit me up #ryan is such a real one but i cant bare speaking to em without feeling like im being a burden even when told #he's got his problems and im always okay hearing him out and talking him through it. its more of me not being able to speak about me. #even then some times im just sad for no reason and its just a huge low for no reason #i probably should get back on my anti depressants #i told myself i didnt want to rely on them to give me a semblance of a peaceful mind #but there are some times where i really am the worst person to myself #i still stand by not talking to Kahlil anymore cause i should have never forgave him for what he did #telling a friend struggling with depression to kill themselves will never be forgiven by me #it really showed me how evil the dude is #some times i feel okay not having friends and then there are times I want to talk about something- #and not feel like an annoyance or boring.. #my mind really is my worst enemy #it doesn't help that im so inconsistent

[beyondkion-blog]

Rating Resident Evil Men’s Marriageability

Note: I tried my best to be impartial with each of the men, regardless of my personal opinions

Chris Redfield

Pros

Loyal

Protective

Trusting

Wants to see the best in people

Strong

Anti-capitalist

Cares deeply

Prioritizes family

Ass that you could bounce a quarter off of

Cons

Smoker

Prone to bouts of depression

Definitely has PTSD

Drinks to forget

Literally solves his problems by punching

Married to his job

Rude to waitstaff

Keeps secrets because “it’s better for you not to know”

Blames himself for things out of his control

Canonically a bit of a slob

Overall Score: 5/10 - Could do worse, but could definitely do better. High potential of being a stereotypical “straight husband”

-

Albert Wesker

Pros

Rich

Attractive

Super strength

Super speed

Verified genius

Might destroy the world for you

Looks good in a leather jacket

Natural leader

One of only two RE men to canonically have sex

Cons

Violent sociopath

Might just destroy the world in general

Obsessed with power

Believes himself to be superior to all other beings

Turned himself into a giant worm monster

100% would track your phone

Withholds physical affection as a power play

Overall Score: 1/10 - At best you’ll exist as a bored but scared trophy spouse. At worst he’ll dissect you as part of an experiment

-

Leon S. Kennedy

Pros

Loyal

Kind

Affectionate

Caring

Silly sense of humor

Protective

Willing to be emotionally vulnerable

Always wants to do the right thing

Soft hair

Trusting

Goes out of his way to help people

Cares deeply about his friends

Strong

Flexible

Tries to make the best of any situation

Dog lover

Drives a motorcycle

Cons

Definitely has PTSD

Prone to depression

Bordering on/alcoholic Degeneration and up

Body belongs to the US government

A little dumb

Should not be behind the wheel

Overall Score: 8/10 - Potential to be an amazing, loving husband with therapy and support, but may fall into toxic or even self-harm tendencies if left unchecked

-

Carlos Oliveira

Pros

Sweet

Protective

Kind

Physically Affectionate

Supportive

Strong

Cares deeply about the people in his life

Skilled with his hands

Emotionally vulnerable

Trusting

Wants to be the best person he can be

Willing to break laws to help those he loves

Natural provider (acts of service love language 100%)

Verbally affectionate

Sense of humor

Laid back attitude

Gorgeous hair

Respects boundaries

Cons

Probably has unprocessed trauma

Will do Dumb Guy Shit™️

Trusts too quickly

Will throw himself into dangerous situations without thinking it through

Will probably make inappropriate jokes without thinking unless you tell him specifically not to

Likely wanted in multiple countries

Overall Rating: 10/10 - Literally marry this man immediately. He will be a good partner, good husband, and good father. May need reigning in occasionally, but it comes from a place of love

-

Luis Serra Navarro

Pros

Always has the best intentions

Cares deeply about his friends and family

Tries to do the right thing

Sense of humor

Highly intelligent

Extremely curious

Debonair

Charming

Good dancer

Chivalrous

Book lover

Good with his hands

Cons

Doesn’t open up easily

Tends to trust the wrong people

Smoker

Doesn’t think things through

Prefers fantasy over reality

Doesn’t always keep his word

Self-serving

Unprocessed trauma

Tends to deflect

Overall Score: 5/10 - Potential to be a great partner, but would take time and patience to get there (best outsourced to a therapist)

-

Jake Muller

Pros

Snarky

Literally designed after male models

Loyal

Will have your back

Affectionate once he opens up

Surprisingly good with kids

Drives a Motorcycle

Self-sacrificing

Looks amazing in black leather

Cons

Daddy issues

Self-sacrificing

Tendency to only do things that benefit him

Takes a long time to open up

Illegal drug use

Wanted by multiple governments

Would need to be forced into therapy if he went at all

Overall Score: 4/10 - German Shepherd partner vibes. Would be forever loyal to you if you broke through his walls, but only to you. Probably wouldn’t stop any (self-) destructive habits of his either

-

Piers Nivans

Pros

Kind

Trusting

Loyal

Nice to waitstaff

Appreciates good food

Cares about the emotional well-being of his loved ones

Not easily deterred

Cons

Self-sacrificing

Codependent tendencies

Most likely has unresolved trauma

Hotheaded

Overall Score: 7/10 - The potential is definitely there, however - like Chris - Piers winds up with a high likelihood for being a stereotypical “straight husband,” mainly due to his upbringing in a military family

-

Ethan Winters

Pros

Loyal

Trusting

Kind

Good with kids

Indestructible

Gentle

Protective

Never gives up

Would still love you if you were a worm

Not easily scared

Domestic

Creative

Good under pressure

MacGyver skills

Soft

Self-sacrificing

Cons

Mold

Bad luck

Arguably too trusting

Self-sacrificing

Thousand yard stare

Overall Score: 10/10 - Like Carlos, marry this man immediately. Second only RE man to canonically have sex and the only one to get married. Just hope you don’t have a penicillin allergy

#resident evil #biohazard #leon kennedy #chris redfield #leon s kennedy #carlos oliveira #albert wesker #ethan winters #jake muller #piers nivans #luis sera navarro #luis serra #chris resident evil #re8 village #re4 remake #resident evil 6 #re3 remake #please get these men some therapy #tw sh mention

[godeaterazathoth]

Issues I have with ikevamp

That I’m venting here because they won’t leave my skull

*Content warning, we’re talking about men in the past, they did some bad stuff*

Part 1, historical inaccuracies

I’m I history nut so this really gets to me, since I know the deep details of these peoples lives.

The timeline, ok so the game takes place in 18th France, correct me if I’m wrong but I think it is in the second empire (1852-1870) considered there is a noble class, yet you can clearly see the Eiffel Tower which was completed in 1889, there is no mention of the 1889 exposition, so it must be after the tower had become permanent, by then the 3rd republic was around, if we are in the republic the Count wouldn’t be called that by the npcs at all the parties he goes to, no matter which we’re in, NOBODY mentions Napoleon III at, NOT EVAN HIS UNCLE (WHOSE SOMEHOW BECAME CASS CONSCIOUS!)

How does the time travel work, example, Dazai died in 1948, his plan was seemingly to wait until he’s born in 1909 then kill himself as a baby, but then he decides to use the magic door, what are the consequences of 2 Dazais existing at once or him erasing himself from history, he’s a pretty important literary figure, does someone else replace him or does the space time continuum collapse?? Is the future Vlad sees set in stone or can it be changed, just copy someone else’s time travel bit!!!

So straight up these guys aren’t who they say they are, we’ll go through 1 by 1

Napoleon- doesn’t mention he left the love of his life to marry a girl 20 years his junior (like think how interesting it would be if he’s conflicted about love cuz he had to give it up for political reasons) -that scene where MC talks about all the ‘good’ that he did in Europe, like committing war crimes against the Spanish and Portuguese and Eastern Europeans, being a coloniser, killing the slaves he freed when they asked for more rights, killing thousands of men in a meaningless war (ligit H*tler vibes)

Arthur- goofy irl, literally believed in fairies, had 5 children and married twice but he never mentions any of this, he cheated on his first wife while she was dying of TB, he was a liberal unionist (tldr didn’t like Irish people) he was anti-immigration, might have committed fraud. We’ll get to the other issues I have with him.

Leonardo- fruity as hell, vegetarian

Mozart- they got his character completely wrong, the guy was a complete man child, vain, broke, by the end of his life his career fell off (Beethoven better composer), in love with his cousin 🤢, had a s*at fetish 🤢🤢🤢. The hole Salieri thing didn’t happen.

Vincent- they made him too mentally stable, I’m all for him being meek, but the guy had serious issues that they ignore, he ate paint thinner, was rejected by his both crushes, WHY DOES HE HAVE BOTH EARS, DID IT GROW BACK, THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM WITH ONLY ONE, also he should be ginger smh. Oh yeah and they never mentioned the s*ecide attempt.

Theo- doesn’t mention his wife, or son, WHO HE NAMED AFTER VINCENT, his wife is the person responsible for Vincent’s work not being completely forgotten, was way nicer irl.

Issac- tbh hotter irl, low key ace, maybe a fruit, kinda mean, the only thing they got right was the major virgin vibes.

Jean- WHY MAN!??!! Even if the didn’t want a lesbian route, they could have gone with any other guy from the 100 years war, Edward black prince, idk WHY GENDER BEND ONE OF THE MOST PROMINENT WOMEN IN HISTORY, I’m fine with the delusional trans dude lie, but they say that he was a guy all along, THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM BEING BURNT AT THE STAKE IF HE WASN’T CROSS DRESSING???!!! was he double cross dressing??? This is the worst of them all, give me the girl boss we deserve (revers fate)

Dazai- not depressed enough imo, he was a leftist, again missing wife, their were two su*ecide attempts, guy lived through fire bombing, had a few children that he is fine to erase from existence.

Shakespeare- probably a fruit, again never mentioned his wife and kids, btw the way he talks is annoying, some people don’t think he’s real.

Faust- NOT A REAL PERSON.

Sanson- too young, this guys is 67, really liked the guillotine, just saw execution as his job didn’t really care, had a wife and kids.

Vlad- Ok is he supposed to be Vlad THE impaler? Cuz he’s not evil enough, or is he a Dracula reference, cuz he can’t dance that dance either, why did they call him Vlad if he isn’t a blood thirsty war criminal.

Count- not enough history to work with.

Part 2, problematic moments

So I ha have seen some posts on the low key misogynistic way the MC is written and treated and there are a lot of issues wit white washing history so another trigger warning ⚠️

Misogyny- the MC of this game is not the best, I know she’s a self insert but she has no backbone at all. She lacks agency I’m most of the routes, like the MC getting kidnapped is a troupe in all these games, but Emma can escape on her own, Kate has ⚽️, even Alice had more depth to her, seems the only thing MC can do is cry and wait to be saved, I swear she gets kidnapped once in every route, I think they could have given her more character to work with. Another thing, but Jean being a man is bad, really bad, she’s a feminist icon but they made her a man, it’s sought of saying that women aren’t capable of this so she had to have actually been a man.

Handling of SA, important one here, I’m ok with the flirty guy, but I really hate Arthur, he doesn’t just flirt with her in chapter 1 he assaults her and acts like he did her a service, and she just forgives him!?! I’m fine with a guy that sleeps around, I like Jin and Nokto fine, but the way Arthur talks about women, always calling them Birds (if they were going for English slang it doesn’t work cuz he doesn’t have a cockney accent) or worse Skirts, it’s dehumanising, and shows that to him women are vehicles for sexual pleasure and aren’t on an equal level of understanding. There are smaller parts to, Leo kisses her without consent, the Count hides the truth from her, idk but Theo calling her a ‘hound’ sounds like he’s calling her something else…

Minor points on classism, I’m not expecting the communist manifesto, but all these games aren’t very good at dealing with class deviation. In Vlad’s route, the orphan boy thinks he can impress the rich girl, this is the 19th century, capitalism is on the rise, but there’s no comment about how it’s impossible. The little school Napoleons runs is strange, considering he was in a position where benefited from poor people existing and staying poor, ( side note, he’s teaching them swordsmanship when ww1 is right around the corner, just saying they won’t need it in the military) called MC out as a social climber, these games sought of depict the past through rosé tinted glasses, there’s only passing reference to how fucked people were in the past, Also all the historical inaccuracies above tie to this.

Anyway love to hear some other opinions, (I started playing this game before my transition and have always thought it it was wired, it’s my personal least favourite just cuz I couldn’t really get into any of the guys, my OC ended up as a Carmilla reference so….)

I have seen a post talking about some of the issues before so that’s what got me to write this out, if you disagree or want to add anything I’m all ears 👂

Thanks for reading 💗💖💖💕💓💝💗🥰🥰🥰❤️✨✨✨✨❤️⭐️⭐️⭐️

#ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikepri #ikevil #ikerev #ikemen series

[fernandoswarcrimes]

Anti-Hero x Matthew Tkachuk

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”

Taglist: @morgan108 @diary-of-jj @shea-theodore @pitchandgrid @wifemase @hal3ynicol3 @alicerubyfloyd @nicanicksnica @formulafootballfan

Word count: 2.6k

To be added to the rest of the series click here -> 🌌

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

Elena had always grown up to be a smart girl, well that’s what she told herself. Matthew on the other hand got older but seemed to get dumber unlike Elena. The two were inseparable growing up due to their mothers being best friends.

It was three in the morning and she found herself standing in the kitchen quietly stirring the cup of milk and honey she made. Elena hoped it would help her fall back asleep, but it was no use. Her midnights had now become her afternoons it seemed like. Anytime she closed her eyes all she saw was everyone she had ever let down staring back at her, so she figured she’d might as well get up.

She had gotten good at hiding it, disguising it as she just couldn’t sleep.

“Can’t sleep again?” Matthews' groggy voice asked as he shuffled into the kitchen. He had woken up and realized Elena wasn’t in bed so he figured she was probably in the kitchen again.

“Something like that.” Elena mumbled, not wanting to let him in on how her mind was tormenting her. It was something she never wanted the boy to know about. He would think she’s broken, unfixable, not happy.

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked as he walked over to her as she took another sip of her milk. “I’ll be okay, I’ll come back to bed in a bit. I think my milk and honey will help.” Elena whispered as she felt him press a kiss to the top of her head before nodding making his way back to their bedroom. She knew he had an early practice in the morning and it made her feel worse that he was awake and worried about her instead of sleeping.

I should not be left to my own devices

They come with prices and vices

I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

'Cause you got tired of my scheming

(For the last time)

Elena was a lot of things, positive, helpful, caring but she shouldn’t be left to her own devices for too long. The thoughts inside her head come with prices and vices that she didn’t want anybody knowing about she’d end up having a full fledged crisis if anybody did. This was her own problem to deal with, nobody else’s.

Not even her boyfriend.

The rain was harsh against the windows of their apartment as lightning lit up the room every few seconds. The storms would normally garner Elena a peaceful sleep but not tonight.

She doesn’t remember what started it but Matthew had been off that day. They both had been walking on eggshells around each other for the past week and it was finally about to come to light.

“I just don’t know why you're acting like this and shutting me out.” Elena said as she walked in their bedroom after him.

“That’s rich coming from you.” Matthew had muttered which caused Elena to furrow her brows at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean Matt?” She asked wanting to know what he meant by that, she had a feeling she knew but she wanted to hear him say it.

“I can’t do it anymore Elena. I’m done okay? I can’t do this if you don’t want help! It’s not fair to both of us. This relationship is supposed to be equal and you won’t let me help you, you just shut me out.” Matthew said, running his hands through his hair frustrated. He had tried helping her through whatever it was she was going through but she kept pushing him away and he didn’t have any fight left in him.

She blankly stared at him as she watched him pack a bag and give her one last look begging her to just say something or do something, explain to him what was going on but she didn’t. He then shook his head and walked out, the front door slamming shut behind him.

Elena woke up with a loud gasp as she sat up on her elbows, drenched in sweat, looking around startled. Her breathing was heavy as she recounted the nightmare she just had being pulled awake by the door slamming shut in the dream. One day if she wasn’t careful she would have to watch Matthew leave her for real because he would get tired of her brushing things off and not letting him in for the last time when she knew all he wanted to do was be there for her and help. She needed to get help.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

At tea time, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

If it was one thing Matthew was used to, it was being a problem. Even from a young age he was dubbed as a problem child which everyone thought he’d eventually grow out of but that was asking for a miracle. He got used to it though, reveled in it even. Which didn’t go unnoticed by everyone in the league who agreed, seeing as he got dubbed one of the “shit starters” next to Konency.

It was a game against the Kings, he and Drew Doughty had been at each other's throats yet again.

Which was never a good thing.

“I don’t see how that girlfriend of yours puts up with you when you’re such a little shit. She deserves someone much more mature rather than an ignorant shit head kid like you.” Drew had muttered to him when they both bent down for the face off.

All bets were off after that comment, the older player had been in his ear all night about Elena and he had enough of it. As soon as the Puck dropped Matthew dropped his gloves and took a swing at the older player.

“You have no right to say shit about her! Or our relationship!” Matthew shouted as the refs grabbed him under the arms pulling him away from Drew who was just laughing knowing he’d easily get a reaction like that out of Matthew.

He could hear the crowd booing him as the ref guided him to the box. They were already down by three so this was just great. He sat down on the bench and threw his helmet on the ground frustrated at the fact Drew so easily got a reaction out of him. This was not how tonight’s game was supposed to go.

Matthew grabbed his bag as he got out of the car and slowly made his way to the front door, taking out his keys and unlocked the door. The winger could hear the TV slowly playing as he walked in; he sat his bag down and slipped his shoes off letting out a quiet sigh.

“Babe? You home?” Elena called out as she glanced over the back of the couch. “Yeah, I think I’m just going to shower and head to bed. It was a rough game.” Matthew replied, keeping his eyes trained on the floor as he walked over and pressed a kiss to the top of her head before heading upstairs. If he didn’t look her in the eyes he wouldn’t have to see the possible look of disappointment on her face. He knew it had to be exhausting, always rooting for a guy like him, the unlikable, the problem. He wasn’t a golden boy, an underdog, or even a rookie anymore. He had solidified his place in the league and now had to live with the consequences of his own actions.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Matthew took the summer to think things over, his little brother became the captain of his team but Matthew had been stuck with the A for the last few years. He felt like he was the ugly duckling that people loved to hate. Trade rumors we’re running wild as they usually did during the summer. It’s when teams unloaded people they didn’t want for the new pick of the litter or better players they could get their hands on.

“Maybe it’s time to look at other options.” His agent told him when they had a meeting. Matthew was too much of a nuisance to be deemed captain of the flames, they wanted someone level headed and calm. Two things he clearly wasn’t so it was better that they looked for a team that would want him.

“Maybe you’re right.” Mathhew spoke with a depressed shrug as he thought it over, he had been talking to Johnny. His friend was in the same boat with the team. Feeling unwanted and misused.

“We do have an offer from Florida.” His agent spoke which piqued Matthews interest. It was a favorite place of Elena’s, he vividly remembers spending summers with her and her family down there almost every year. This could be his ticket out of Canada. He knew they weren’t gonna give him the captaincy not with how hot headed he was. It got him right in the gut when he found that out. But he wouldn’t let it get to him.

“Johnnys going to take the offer from Columbus, so if Florida’s offer is a good one then I’ll take it. I need to get out of here before they run me into the ground.” Matthew sighed knowing it was time to leave or grow to hate the sport he loved. They could kick him while he was down all they wanted but it wouldn’t kill him. He was going to show Calgary exactly what they were letting go and losing and he was going to make it everybody’s problem.

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

“I’m just that good, it’s not my fault you suck at golf bro.” Matthew shrugged as he looked at his younger brother. He had switched their score sheets when Brady wasn’t looking and was lying through his teeth.

“You’d be a good congressman, you know?” Elena joked with a grin as she watched him lie straight to Brady’s face that he didn’t switch their golf scores when he had. Brady wasn’t gullible by any means but her boyfriend was just that good of a gaslighter sometimes especially when it came to Brady.

Matthew couldn’t help but smile back as he shook his head at her joke as they both walked off after Brady back to the golf cart to head to the next hole. He knew he was a good liar; it's how he got himself out of trouble sometimes.

It was later that week while on a roadie when it hit him. A nightmare that would forever haunt him.

It was another bad game that Matthew came home from. He had gotten ejected and suspended three games for getting into a bad fight. As soon as he walked in the door he noticed something was off, the tv wasn’t playing and there was a suitcase in the hall. Alarm bells started going off as he dropped his bag and called out.

“Babe?” Matthew called out as he walked through the house but stopped in the kitchen doorway when he noticed her standing by the island with her arms crossed. “Hey..” he said shakily, “what’s going on why is there a suitcase by the door? You didn’t tell me you were going on a trip.”

“Because I’m not Matthew.” Elena spoke flatly. That made him cringe slightly, she never called him Matthew, it was always Matt or Matty. “I’m leaving.” She bit out.

“What..” he whispered, it felt like he had just gotten shot.

“I'm leaving. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. It’s all the time now you can’t stay out of the box and now you’re getting suspensions? When will it end Matthew? You’re twenty five years old, no wonder Brady got the captaincy before you.” She scoffed as she picked up her keys shoving past him as she grabbed her suitcase and swung the front door open.

Matthew could only stand there in silence as he watched her leave the door slamming loudly behind her making him flinch.

The St. Louis native gasped awake from the terrible nightmare that just plagued his mind. The fear of losing Elena, his best friend, his one true love. Hockey was a big thing in his life, but Elena? Elena was the one good thing he had and he didn’t want to let her go; he'd give up hockey before that ever happened.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees…

The Panthers had made it to the playoffs. They had managed to beat the Bruins four to three in the first round, which was a shocker to most since Boston usually made it to the finals in the playoffs so to get taken out by a team like the Panthers was unheard of.

Then it was the second round where they went up against the Leafs, it was another easy four to one win. The leafs had made it further than they had in the past but they were no match for the Matthew and the run the panthers were on.

He was their saving Grace, their problem child, and they embraced it. He was the problem, it was him. Everybody agreed he was the player of the series, anytime he was on the ice it was dangerous for the other team, scoring goals, scoring in OT, you name it he was doing it with ease.

They were getting one step closer to the finals, they just had to go up against Carolina who had bested the Islanders and the Devils. It was like everyone lost their light as Florida swept them in just four straight games back to back.

The Panthers had made it to the Stanley Cup Final.

Though it wouldn’t be everything, Vegas was on a high unlike no other and all the injuries were catching up to Florida. Vegas had managed to win four games and Florida only managed to win just one. That was the end, they had lost the final. Everything had finally hit Matthew. He had been playing through the injuries wanting to help the team as much as he could, even having Brady help him get up and get dressed because he couldn’t do it himself. He had an inkling that Elena knew about the injury but hadn’t said anything knowing how stubborn he was.

Elena though, his Elena, was there when he got off the ice with open arms ready to nurse him back to health, it made him think that maybe being the anti-hero wasn’t so bad after all. It was all just in his head like it was in hers, they both needed each other and would do anything for the ones they loved.

“You did so well, I’m proud of you. I truly am.” Elena spoke softly as she gently hugged him not wanting to hurt him. Thankfully Brady was there with her ready to help him back to the locker room so he could change and they could all head home. It made him think maybe being the anti-hero wasn’t so bad after all.

It was him

He was the problem

and everybody oh so loudly agreed.

#imagine #nhl imagine #series #midnightsseries #midnights song drabbles #anti hero #matthew tuck #matthew tkachuk imagine #this one wasn’t my favorite #Matthew Tkachuk one shot #Matthew Tkachuk x OC #nhl fic #nhl oneshot #nhl x OC

[jhilsara]

Tie Me to You/ Chapter 8

Chapter Summary: Mika and the incubi have a successful party. But what are Devils?

Word Count: 2.6k

<Last | Next>

Chapter Warnings: Small gun violence

This fanfic will explore heavier emotions and will have eventual smut. Minors DNI

Can also be found on AO3 X

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

Anti-Hero - Taylor Swift

The house is finally empty. Everyone has disappeared and Mika is sitting on the staircase, head resting on Damien’s thigh as he sits behind her. Matthew and Sam flank her on the left and right. James and Erik are standing, but just barely. Their bodies lean on the staircase banister with their ties undone. The group is drained physically and emotionally.  

“So... that went well?” Matthew’s voice asks hesitantly, looking up at James.  

James lets out a heavy sigh and nods, “As well as it could have.”  

“Oh, was the bombarding of questions too much for his royal highness?” Sam spits out sarcastically.  

James twitches at that, but doesn’t give into Sam’s tease, “Not too awful, just draining...” James takes his glasses off to massage the bridge of his nose. “How was the rest of your night?” He shifts the attention to Mika.  

She lazily looks up at James, unwilling to really feel motivated to move. She shrugs, “Better after my father left.” She murmurs.  

Sam groans and leans back on his arms, “Fuck your dad!”  

Matthew sits up a little more, leaning over to look at Mika better, “What happened? I didn’t know something went down?”  

Erik crosses his arms in frustration, brow furrowed, “Her awful father put his hands on her and left a nasty bruise.” he says irritably.  

Mika feels Damien stiffen behind her as he and Matthew proclaim, “He what?!” in simultaneous disbelief.  

Mika had been so drained she hadn’t even thought about what her father did earlier in the evening. She just wanted to go to bed. It wasn’t the first time her father had put his hands on her, but it was hopefully the last. 

“It’s over, I’m fine, Sam stepped in.” She says dismissively, trying to avoid the topic entirely.  

Damien reaches down and grabs her arm gently, “Can we check it?” he asks softly, in a way that she knows means he’s just trying to be helpful and not make it a spectacle.  

She avoids their eyes but slowly removes the opera glove, exposing the bruise. She hadn’t looked at it since but in the past few hours it’s gotten worse. The disgusting yellow peeking out underneath it all makes her feel nauseous.  

“Oh Mika...” Damien’s voice rings behind her.  

She can’t take the staring and shoves the glove back on. She folds her arms in on herself. Mika tries to make herself disappear, shame filling her chest.  

“It’s over alright? He left and Sam definitely broke his hand.” Mika says, trying to keep her voice light and joking, but the clip to it reveals her resentment.  

“Sam!” James raises his voice giving his younger brother a pointed look. 

Sam snorts avoiding James’ eyes, “I didn’t break it... I just fractured it. Aggressively.” he says with a smirk looking down at Mika, giving her a light nudge with his knee.  

The nonchalant attitude of it all has Mika relaxing again, she feels light laughter bubbling from her chest. It all just seemed so ridiculous after all. A dead rich grandfather, an abusive father, and five strange men who just happened to be incubi? It all just sounded so absurd. Mika couldn’t figure out what her life was anymore. It was insane to think so much could happen in four months.   

 “We should probably clean up...”  

Sam stands and reaches his hand out for Mika, to help her stand.  

A gunshot echoes in the room, loud and terrifying. Before Mika can even register what’s happening, she’s curled up on the stairs, Sam’s bracing himself over her and Damien. Using his body as a shield.  

There’s a pregnant pause before they realize no one is hurt. Sam stands fully to turn towards the door, anger clear on his face.  

Past Sam’s figure, Mika sees two people. If you could call them people, their skin a burning fire red. The two figures standing in the open doorway have her spinning. The male presenting one of the two holds a gun in his hand, as it lazily dangles on his fingers like it’s not a weapon.  

“Honey I’m home~” his voice calls out, its cold and gritty. Making her want to sink lower to the ground.  

Damien moves to stand, keeping Mika positioned behind Sam. “Get out.” Damien says in a clear voice. “This home is protected by holy magic; your powers won’t work here.” Damien says in a voice that is more exasperated than annoyed.  

Mika can tell Damien’s tone irritates the visitor, his eye twitching, “I don’t need this to kill you.” The man stays in a distorted voice. Glowering at the incubi brothers. 

“We’re really not in the fucking mood Malix. Get the fuck out.” Sam growls out stepping closer.  

Malix, the man with bright red skin and white hair, looks unamused. He cocks his brow before looking over Sam from head to toe with a feral smile like a predator. Showing his sharp teeth, ready to bite down.  

“Oh? Sorry, did I barge in on you lot whoring yourselves out like the incubus you are?” he asks with a disgusting cackle leaving his throat.  

Mika is taken aback by what the man says, none the less the fact he barreled into her home. “Excuse me?” She asks, tone offended for the brothers.  

She tries to stand and step past Sam, but his arm keeps her behind him. He won’t budge. “Stay behind me.” He whispers to her lowly.  

Malix, perks up at her voice. He steps forward leaning closer, trying to get a good look at her. His yellow and blood red eyes roam until they land on her face. It’s unsettling to say the least. His feral smile never leaves his face.  

“Oh, is that her? The warlocks kins?” Malix asks with a short high-pitched laugh, “C’mon share her! It’s not nice to keep playthings to yourselves.” He whines out, his gaze piercing into hers. 

Mika grips onto Sam, taking a hesitant step back, she didn’t like how he was looking at her...like she was a meal. She can't move, the piercing red of his glare freezing her. She just clings onto Sam, who in turn has his fists clenched already. 

James steps forward, pushing Malix back and blocking Mika from his line of sight. “She’s protected too you animal.” James hisses out.  

Malix just raises a brow at that, while a smirk crosses his face. “Interesting...” he drawls out.  

The woman who’s with him seems incredibly unamused by all of this. She’s just waiting by the door for him. “Malix.”  She says his name in an irritated tone.  

He whips his head around to her, mouth open to yell but sees the look she’s giving him. Mika can’t see too well, so she misses the silent conversation that seems to be happening between them. Malix just scoffs. 

“We’ll leave... but watch your back outside of,” he gestures his arms widely to the house, “this protective barrier.” He says ‘protective’ like it’s a joke with a heinous laugh.  

He stands tall looking over at them once more, “You’re in our territory incubi.” He turns to leave but hesitates. 

He does a full turn and points his gun at Mika, Sam’s still positioned in front of her, refusing to move.  

It doesn’t protect her from the piercing glare of Malix’s red eyes, staring into her soul, “You too sweetheart, don’t think you’re safe either.”  

Malix pockets his gun before leaving the house. The group of incubi all letting out a breath they were holding.  

Mika’s shaking, she’s looking at the five brothers for answers, but their silence isn’t helpful. Sam turns to look at her, and the rage softens for a moment, to notice her anxiety.  

Tonight, just couldn’t be a normal night.  

“What are they?” Mika finds her voice to ask, she’s trembling. Any joy or reprieve she had from earlier was absolutely gone. Icy fear gripped at her now.  

“Devils... they come from Hell.” Erik spits out disdainfully.  

She pauses, “Then where do you come from?” she asks.  

Mika is realizing how little she truly knows about these five men. Yes, she’s gotten close to them in the past three months, but they almost never talk about their past. She could almost forget they were demons.  

“The Abyssal Plains, demons, come from a different realm.” James states crossing his arms, “We have our own supply of magic and free will. Devils, on the other hand, their magic doesn’t belong to them. They pull their powers from hell, from Satan. They only live to cause chaos, murder, and mayhem to human souls, either here or in Hell.” he tells her in a bitter voice.  

Mika stands there dumbfounded for a moment. There’s too much information for her to take in. Demons are not the same as devils, nor do they come from the same place. They all have magic, but it’s different. On top of all of that, there’s holy magic? She presses the heels of her hands against her eyes, trying to comprehend the information overload. 

While her brain feels like it’s going into overdrive, Damien grabs her hand making her look at him. Pausing all thoughts.  

“He can’t hurt you, not with hellborn magic. It’ll be okay.” Damien tries to reassure her. 

She knows he can’t help but read her mind, it’s just on display for him, but she feels guilty that he’s exposed to her raw emotions almost every day. It’s hard enough being in her own head, she can’t imagine juggling everyone else's.  

Sam’s hand lands on her shoulder and he squeezes it, “We’ll kill ‘em.” He tells her confidently.  

 She looks at the group of men wearily but it’s not like she has much of a choice. She has to trust them.  

Mika wakes up the next morning and decides that she was already over the day before it had even begun. She rolls over lazily checking the time on her phone and frowns. It’s too early for her to be awake. She curls herself deeper into her plush blankets and squeezes her eyes shut, hoping for an ounce of more sleep. To drift away for a few more hours. 

She tosses and turns before she undoubtedly settles on the fact, she is unfortunately awake for the day. It didn’t mean she had to be productive.  

While she should get up and clean up downstairs, she can’t find it in herself to bother doing that right now. She gets as comfortable as she can in her bed and finds herself endlessly scrolling away on her phone. 

It’s not until it’s the middle of the afternoon that Mika decides she needs to be a human. She drags herself to the bathroom to quickly shower and brush her teeth. She pulls on her comfiest clothes and goes to the entrance to start cleaning. 

Mika's surprised when she goes to the staircase that it’s already practically spotless. All decorations were gone, the standing tables for the bar were put away, and the floor had looked freshly mopped. She stands there stupefied for a brief moment. They cleaned...? 

She walks towards the kitchen, prepared to do some chores, but once again, clean. The kitchen was practically spotless, and the dishes had been cleaned and put away. Before Mika can think of something else to preoccupy her time, she hears shouting outside. It almost sounds like drill instructions.  

She walks towards the back of the house and through the French doors that leads out to the patio, following the noise. She leans against the open door watching the commotion. All five of the boys were outside and it looked like they were training. At least from what Mika hears Sam barking, it sounds like instructions.  

She watches them perform a four against one fight. Sam being the solo act. He easily dodges their attacks and lands a few punches of his own. Almost dancing around his brothers. Mika watches them for a few more minutes before she decides to interrupt.  

“How long have you guys been out here?” Mika calls out to them. Moving to the edge of the patio. She’s only in some house slippers and she doesn’t plan to step on the dirt after taking a shower.  

The boys all stumble, surprised at her presence. Mika raises a brow at them, looking over how they are clearly exhausted.  

“What time is it?” Matthew asks, he’s bent over hands against his knees trying to catch his breath.  

“Around two, maybe almost three.” she tells him. 

“Long enough. We’ve been out here long enough!” Matthew tells her exasperated as he shoots Sam a glare.  

“We need a break...and food.” James says looking at each of his brothers. He isn’t hunched over like Matthew but he’s taking some shallow breaths.  

Sam huffs in frustration, “I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but we don’t have time for a break!” He bites out harshly.  

Sam’s drenched in sweat, and while he stands tall with his hands on his hips in irritation, Mika can see how tired he is from the slight shake in his muscles. They all desperately need to eat at the very least.  

“You want one too Sam.” Damien outs his brother's thoughts quickly, with a soft smirk of his own.  

Mika snorts in amusement. Sam just rolls his eyes.  

Mika raises her hand to wave them off dismissively, “Go and shower guys, I’ll make lunch!” She turns to go back into the house. Ignore the faint protests she hears. If they spent all morning cleaning and training, she could make them lunch. Fair is fair... even if she feels like she’s doing the least amount of work in the house.  

She’s going through what’s in the kitchen before she lands on just making them sandwiches. It was easy, light, and would at the very least settle their stomachs until a proper dinner.  

Mika gets to work making them some protein filled sandwiches. She also cuts up some vegetables and fruits to put on the side. Giving them something to hopefully make them feel better than they looked. It doesn’t take her a super long time to make all five of them plates.  

She makes herself a late breakfast parfait, with the leftover fruit and yogurt. She eats it before she’s even done making their lunches. Dancing around the kitchen to the music she's softly playing from her phone.   

Mika leaves their plates of food on the dining table for when they’re ready. She was going to study for her finals until dinner. She still had a few more weeks of her degree left, and she wasn’t about to fail now. She just had to get through her business program, and she was starting her masters in the fall. She was more than excited to focus on a path she enjoyed.  

Mika’s so lost in her studies she doesn’t notice the time until it’s well after seven. She makes her way downstairs and sees all five of the men laid out on chairs in the dining room. She pauses at the entryway and looks at them concerned. 

“How about we order dinner?” she suggests looking at the tiredness seeping into them.   

There’s a faint murmur of agreement, James goes off to do some work in the office and Erik plans to lie in his bed until food arrives. Mika drags Damien, Matthew, and Sam with her to the living room.  

“If you’re going to rot it might as well be comfortable.” she suggests. 

She sits in the middle of the couch with Matthew and Damien flanking her sides. Sam chooses to lounge on the floor, his head resting against her legs. Mika is casually carding her hands through Sam’s hair, Matthew is fully laying on her shoulder, and Damien’s draped over the arm rest half-awake watching the movie Mika put on to pass the time. The four of them are so comfortable they almost fall asleep before their dinner comes.  

She’s thankful that this was an easy solution. It’s been a hectic weekend, and she would rather spend her Sunday trying to relax. Their problems could wait until Monday like the rest of the world.  

#seduce me the otome #seduce me otome #seduce me #sam seduce me #seduce me james #seduce me damien #seduce me erik #seduce me matthew #seduce me mika #mika anderson #seduce me fanfiction

[padfootastic]

Hey padfootastic,

Was scrolling through hp posts and saw a post where people were fighting over Remus situation. So just wanted to know your opinion bout it. Do you think Remus could have done better in PoA? He was a professor, responsible for the safety of others.

No matter how much I love Sirius but at that time he wasn't innocent in others mind, so hiding a big detail that could have affected the whole situation, hell, had Sirius really had been behind harry, he would have been dead cause our little innocent Remus here thought that it was a good idea to not tell them how Sirius had all the resources at his disposal. How easy it was for him to sneak into Hogwarts and harm harry and others.

It really was dangerous and well indirectly he did prove Snape right no? What do you think could have happened had Remus had guts to tell Dumbledore about Sirius being an animagus?

On the other side, oh man! I can imagine Sirius being all furious and depressed at the same time. He'd need to go for another plan, he'd think that now he won't be able to even see Harry easily and many more difficulties. Ugh

Imagine the angst after after innocence thing, Sirius letting go any single drop of love he might have had for Remus and treating him like a any other person. No different. Remus hating himself more and more and Sirius just. Not. Giving a. Single. eff. About the whole damn thing. I cant-

Please tell me what you think bout the whole situation.

yoooooo

i love this lol people asking me for my remus opinions never gets old bc i have endless salt to provide. i will never not be annoyed by that cretin.

okay so. PoA. i don’t often focus on that part of his whole arc (which is, funnily enough, one of the only concessions to remus’ ‘flaws’ that i’ve seen the remus fans give lol) but it’s honestly so??? like it’s literally one of the best examples we have of how self preservation is literally built into his core. iirc he doesn’t do it bc he’s afraid of how dumbledore would perceive him? doesn’t want him to know how they (he) broke his trust? and he’s willing to damn an entire school of students PLUS his best friends son to an alleged mass murderer for it. he will have that on his conscience rather than self introspection a bit and get thru the hard part.

i’ve seen people call him brave for a variety of reasons which all begin and end w his lycanthropy but i’m gonna be honest, he’s one of the most cowardly characters in the series in my opinion. every single time he has to make an active decision that might compromise his sense of self/perception or even just his peace of mind, he backs off. retreats. runs the fuck away. attacks outward. doesn’t take responsibility.

i think snape was both right, in that remus was helping sirius but wrong, because it wasn’t out of any friendship or responsibility. it was just a way to save face for himself. also probably him not wanting to confront any difficult feelings or memories.

wrt if he had told dumbledore? man idek. i literally can’t imagine it and surprisingly, haven’t read any fics exploring that option either 🤔 sus, that. also very telling lol maybe tightened security? disappointed dumbles? i cant see any major changes tho bc even sirius as a grim was pretty well hidden except maybe anti animagus wards if those r a thing?

also yes!!! i think sirius should be allowed to be angry and disappointed more often. he should be spitting mad about the fact that not only did remus not care a lick about harry, he also gave up so easily on sirius. i think he should be allowed that space.

#remus lupin critical #sirius black #gonna be honest #if i wanted to think too much about remus #and look too deeply into things #psychoanalysing him—as much as u can words on paper—is actually rly fun #like how his sense of self is tied into presenting this decorous version of himself when the monster lurks close underneath #except the monster isn’t even the lycanthropy #it’s just his shitty personality lmao #sorry sorry. ‘difficult’ personality #wrt sirius. #i think. he forgave remus pretty easily in the shack bc there were bigger things at hand #but i have a feeling if he got proper treatment and food and a roof and a decent support system #that’s when he’ll actually be able to process the trauma of his betrayal #esp from the closest quarters #and i include mcg in this btw. #and that’s when he’ll really be able yo read them all to filth #or someone doing it on his behalf (except i can only rly see harry or james doing that. or maaaaybe lily) #but yeah. emotional sirius except done the right way #pen’s asks

[wowbright]

Today was soooo stressful.

There were also moments of non stress.

Went birding with my old people. My friend X is one of the first people I met when I moved out here and spouse refers to him as "yo boy," a recognition of high friendship status in our household. Probably the most outgoing and friendly among the birding crowd around here. He's in his 80s now and started having in the past few years what the doctors diagnosed as seizures. He's on anti-seizure meds and he's losing sight in one of his eyes. He says his memory (mostly in the recall of facts) isn't what it used to be. He wonders if he's getting dementia but that hasn't been diagnosed and I kind of think (not a medical diagnosis) it's more likely to be depression. He's been pretty glum lately, really is not adapting well to the changes in his body and feels very limited by them, it doesn't feel like he can engage in most of his hobbies anymore. He can't drive anymore either because of his vision, his wife taxes him most places. He mostly goes birding for the social aspect, though he does seem to enjoy the easy finds like the larger water birds. (His vision issues make looking through binoculars hit or miss and he has given up on wearing his hearing aids when birding.) He said he recently went into the doctors for a rash, took one of those wellness surveys during the intake, and the first thing the doctor wanted to talk about was not about the rash but whether or not he had any guns in his house. (He doesn't.) He tells me he's not suicidal and doesn't have a suicide plan, but over the past few months he's expressed more than once that maybe he would be okay with dying already. I listen, and then he tells me a terrible birding joke.

He does get excited over the number of songbirds and ducks we see today. I am pretty happy with our sightings too. Canvasbacks!

I run some errands and on the way back in a 40 mile an hour zone with nowhere to pull off, my car starts acting wild. First thing I notice is that the defroster stops working. Then the radio cuts out. That I noticed that the brake light is on, even though the emergency brake is definitely not engaged (I check). I have forgotten where the switch for the hazard light is. The hand on the speedometer is waving wildly between 0 and 40 mph, even though I'm going at a steady speed. I find the hazard light switch, hit it, but nothing happens. I reach an intersection and turn onto a smaller road, but the power steering isn't working so it's a bit of a task, especially when the steering wheel momentarily freezes up completely in the middle of the turn. The car is moving but there's definitely some miscommunications going on between the gas pedal and the engine. I am on a less busy (but still busy) street, my goal is to get down far enough so that somebody turning right around the corner doesn't just hit my car, park in the right lane (there are two lanes in each direction) and turn on the hazards. BUT WAIT THE HAZARDS AREN'T WORKING. So I just keep going and hope I can pull into the next side street. I reach a side street, pull sideways into it. The side street goes uphill and the car does not have enough power to make a complete right turn or to go up that hill, so basically I am parked across one of the lanes. Fortunately it is a dead end street into a shishi residential neighborhood, and it's the middle of the day, so no one is trying to go in or out of it. Call my spouse who doesn't answer, call again, no answer, police officer stops and wants to help push the car to a safer place but that's a no-go. She also mentions that I probably should not sit in the car in case it gets sideswiped. (Oh yeah whoops.) Tow truck shows up after about 10 minutes, and it turns out that this really was a good street to pull into, because I only see one vehicle going in or out the entire time I'm waiting, and it has no issues going around my car.

Well, survived that! The car is back at the apartment along with the groceries that were in the trunk, but it's not going to run until we get it towed *again* to the repair place.

If only the alternator (we're assuming that's the problem) had waited two more months to crap out, because we'll be living in the city by then and could feasibly just not have a car at all. That won't work in the meantime though. Sigh.

#depression mention #firearms mention #car stuff #me

[etirabys]

argentina

Here is my story of Argentina. My credentials are that I have I spent the first three hours of my flight to Argentina reading its Wikipedia page plus followup google search results.

Argentina was rich. Then it became poor for no clear reason. It could become very rich again.

Let’s start with the last one.

Argentina is a major agricultural exporter that’s not even tapping its full biocapacity. Without making any prescriptive statements about whether they should, it’s descriptively true that they could be leaning on their natural resources much harder than they currently are.

The wind potential of the Patagonia region (southern third of Argentina) could in theory provide enough electricity to sustain a country five times more populous. But the infrastructure isn’t there to pipe it where it needs to go. Argentina is very urbanized, with 92% of its population in cities. (This is actually weird – if you look at countries ordered by urbanization, you get a bunch of tiny or fake countries like Bermuda or Macau, and then central category member countries like Uruguay, Israel, Argentina, and Japan.)

Argentina had a pretty good nuclear program. Decent record as a locus of scientific progress despite all the political problems and crumbling infrastructure. It’s got a high literacy rate.

It kind of reminds me of... (person who's only been to 7 cities voice) Berkeley?

Okay. Now let’s skip back to 1861. Argentina has won independence from the Spanish Empire. It’s about to get very Italian in here.

At time of independence, Argentina had the familiar-looking South American mix of white+native+black. But soon after independence the state started (0) genociding/expanding into the south (1) enacting liberal economic policies, and (2) encouraging European immigration. Italians liked this idea for some reason, so today, 60% of Argentinians are full or part Italian.

This wave of immigration changed Argentinian society enormously. In this period, Argentina became very wealthy and productive. In 1910 it was the seventh richest country in the world.

Twenty years later, dissatisfaction over the Great Depression fueled a coup and kicked off 50-70 years of political instability.

I like this graph. Look at the Y axis values – this is a log graph.

I have no clean explanation for what happened, but I can at least describe what happened after 1930.

In between coups, Argentina stays neutral in both world wars up until the US pressured it into declaring war on the Axis Powers in 1945. But then the Europe part of WWII ended a month later, so they probably didn't have to do too much. In 1946, Peron takes power.

(Sidenote: why did so many Nazis famously flee to Argentina? Argentina had lots of German immigrants & close ties to Germany. Peron, who'd found Hitler's ideology appealing since he was a military attaché in Italy during WWII, straight out ordered diplomats and intelligence officers to establish escape routes for Nazis, especially those with military/technical expertise.)

I still don’t know much about Peron. There's the socialist stuff: nationalized a lot of industries and improved working conditions. There's the dictator stuff: beating up and firing people to bring them into line, including university teachers (of course) and union leaders that Peron didn't like. He was really liked for a while, and then very disliked, and got exiled to Spain after a decade of rule.

Then there's a phase where no one manages to rule successfully, in part because getting approved by both Peronists and anti-Peronists is hard. This 1955-2003 phase reminds me a lot of Korean history around the same time – lots of military coups and assassinations and journalists getting tortured. Whenever I hit this phase in a country's Wikipedia page it just reads like TV static, interchangeable variable names swinging in and out of scope... even though there's got to be more than that.

When I first started reading about US Republicans and Democrats I got really confused because either they had 0 major differences or 70. Now that I've been in the States for a decade I have a sense for what major visions and underlying values differences they have, but it'd be hard to explain succinctly or in a way that other people will agree with. So something like that has to have been going on with various flavors of anti, sub, and classic Peronism that’s inscrutable to an outsider who’s spending 3 hours on learning about this.

At some point, comically, Peron comes back, wins an election with his wife as vie president, and dies of a heart attack. His wife takes power and does things like empowering the secret police to destroy her enemies, but girlbosses too close to the sun and is ousted after a year.

All this turmoil flattens out somewhat in 2003. I have no idea what went right. They tried Peronism! They tried anti-Peronism! They tried leftist terrorism and rightist terrorism! They tried OG Peron again! They tried Peron's third wife! They tried nationalization and privatization! They tried protectionism and not-protectionism!

Nestor Kirchner, whose rule coincided with the improvement, had "neo-Keynesian" policies, but who knows if that was it. He didn't run for reelection but said "try my wife, she'll do fine", and so she won the next cycle. Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner did well enough that she was reelected. People didn’t like her successor and brought her back as a vice president, but there were what sound like normal-for-South-America levels of corruption scandals during much of her time in office, and last month she was sentenced to six years in prison and a lifetime ban from holding public office.

I have a number of hypotheses as to why Argentina crashed so hard when it had and has so many prerequisites for success, and they all sound stupid when I write them out, so I won’t. But I will gesture at my confusion and amazement.

#rambl #argentina #2023antarcticatrip

[faejilly]

writing patterns

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there's a pattern!

tagged by @junemermaid, no-pressure tagging anyone who would like, because I have no idea who's seen and either done or passed on this one lately. PLEASE PLEASE DO IT AND BLAME ME IF YOU HAVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST INCLINATION, I love seeing these things, I'm just brain-dead re: tagging today. 💙

1. Vakarian makes Shepard feel old.

Chicory, Mass Effect, Weaver Shepard, not on AO3 yet because I'm trying to turn it into a series of first/early impressions of the ME1 crew from Shepard's perspective. But then I've done Kaidan's first impression of Shepard already, so I can't decide if I should do her version of that or figure out another one. But also should I add Joker? I should always add Joker. But then in what order? (You can see the overthinking process here, can't you?) SOMEDAY I WILL WRITE WEAVER & TALI AND IT WILL BE DELIGHTFUL. She adores Tali. But also wishes to keep her safely in engineering 99% of the time. BUT ALSO...

anyway. back to sentences. ->

2. Emmett had known that he would see her.

Almond Blossoms, 7kpp, Emmett/Sheltered Princess & a lot of chaperone POV's. Also I posted that in September last year so this is clearly going to be a little depressing in terms of my ongoing 'am I a writer anymore?' existential crisis

3. “Don’t move.”

Never Again, Shadowhunters, Malec, sort of omegaverse, sort of weird magic bonds, a very belated prompt fill from the @knotinmyname anti-ai-scraping event.

4. The Matchmaker may have announced them, they may consider themselves engaged, this might be exactly what they should be doing as these connections are exactly what the Summit claims to be for… but Nathalie’s a 'known’ seductress and suspected murderer, but Clarmont’s only 'allowed’ here for the Royal Family to keep an eye on him, to make sure he knows how generous they are being with their mercy.

Relief, 7kpp, Clarmont/Ambitious Widow (Revaire feels!). Yes, that is just one sentence. Yes, I did that on purpose. No, I probably shouldn't have, but idc. 😅

5. Alec hasn’t even been Marked, still technically a fledgling rather than a Shadowhunter, when he learns that most nephilim can’t hear their weapons sing.

untitled eldritch angel powers prequel, Shadowhunters, Alec Lightwood & Politics is my jam, even when he's like 10 or something. As is weird magic and angel lore that I get to make up! Not on ao3 because I think it's going to be in a bigger thing, but I haven't actually done it yet, but I also get really tired of trying to rearrange my AO3 stuff because then I lose links and comments and brain power that should have been used for maybe writing something again some day.

6. All the dealers know Magnus’ name.

Fluff for @foodsies4me! Malec Auctioneer AU on the floor because it made me smile. (I used to be an auction block clerk.)

7. A familiar flare lit up his apothecary, and Magnus reached out to catch the fire message.

working title is 'wtf the clave is competent' and this is another playing-with-lore Shadowhunters prequel (that will eventually be Malec) started off via a Tangential Tuesdays prompt (which is a thing I would like to properly do again, but I keep not writing which makes it tricky)

8. An Omega heir to two old bloodlines in line for a Headship was something the Nephilim hadn’t seen in almost a century, and ought to have been prestigious enough for Alec to have chosen any path or mate he wanted. [x]

9. That was Magnus. [x]

These are both omegaverse prompts for the aforementioned anti-ai event and actually posted on time last June. Both Shadowhunters and Malec and just little bits and pieces of almost things. And fun on their own, imo, but. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10. Cullen thought he’d gotten used to seeing this new Hawke in Haven.

Gladiolus, Cullen/Hawke, Dragon Age: Inquisition (Hawke as Inquisitor). Another prompt fill, a ficlet for a collection I have on AO3; its continuing existence is almost entirely @jadesabre301's fault.

Well, picking chapters and scenes posted on tumblr rather than my ao3 was probably good for my sanity, since my ao3 is a bit of a mess.

I seem to start with very declarative sentences this past year or so: we are here and this is what we're dealing with. Which is not... how I have previously concluded this meme, but I'm not sure that it's really any different than usual, just more obvious. It's a habit developed, I think, in writing relatively short-fic and also playing with lore or setting, because I very much need to set up my framework if I want anyone else to follow it.

I definitely should try and play some ME and/or watch some Shadowhunters and clean up some of the bits that I would really really like to have as finished stories though. This has successfully reminded me that I do, in fact, usually like writing and still think like a writer, so that's probably good!

/thank you june 🥰

#writing memery #junemermaid #10 first lines #writing patterns #I know I've done this one before #but can I tag consistently? #no #on writing

[teenwolfmarvel-obsessor]

Anti-Hero

Stranger Things Masterlist | Full Masterlist

Summary: Loving yourself never comes easy to anyone. For some people, it's harder to understand. After coming out of a relationship, you never fully loved yourself until you met Steve Harrington. He was the one that has always reminded you of how perfect you are. On one particular today, you don't feel like yourself, but Steve helps you remember how perfect you are.

Notes:

Y/N/N: Your Nick Name

Y/L/N: Your Last Name

Warnings:

Trouble with self-image

Angst (maybe???)

Steve Harrington x-reader

Steve, Robin, and I sat together. I was trying to help Robin study for her calculus final this Friday. She has been a nervous wreck all week. "Okay, what's an integral?" I asked, flipping through her notecards. Her chin sat on her hand, her fingers tapping the table.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser Midnights become my afternoons When my depression works the graveyard shift All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

Steve looked up from his textbook to see if our friend knew the answer. "Um," she cleared her throat, "the reverse operation of a differentiation?" Robin looked at me for approval. I smiled and nodded my head. My friend sighed and leaned back in her seat. Steve chuckled to himself and went back to 'writing' his notes for our next assignment.

I shifted in my seat, wishing I hadn't worn this sweater. I had just gotten it and probably should've washed it before wearing it. "You okay?" Steve said quietly. "Yeah. This sweater is just really itchy," I complained. "Well, you could just take it off," Steve winked. I rolled my eyes and shook his gaze.

Robin's face scrunched at Steve's expression. She dropped her face when Steve glanced at her. Every once in and awhile, my boyfriend looked my way as I began to feel uncomfortable in the sweater. He leaned over and spoke so only I could hear. "I think you look very pretty," he muttered. He nudged my shoulder so I could look up at him.

He kissed my forehead just as the bell rang. The three of us stood up to head to class. Steve and I had our Biology final, while Robin had her Art final. "Good luck, Robin. I know you'll do great," I said. She thanked me and went down the opposite way. Steve put an arm around my shoulders. "You okay?" he asked.

I nodded. Steve dropped it, and we walked into class. He sat on the other side of the classroom while I went to the other. Our teacher decided to separate the groups to see if that would help us concentrate, but I'm not sure if that'll help. "Good afternoon, class," Ms. Smith greeted, "You will have two hours to complete this exam. After you are finished, bring the test to me and go back to your seats."

She took out the packets from her desk. Our teacher separated them by rows and handed them to the people at the front. Everyone passed them back. I pulled out my pencil, leaning over to ask Erica to hand a pencil to Steve. My boyfriend looked over his shoulder and thanked me with a smile.

I winked at him and started my test when our teacher waved us to begin. It was intimidating to see everyone else finishing the test before me, but I was able to finish with just thirty minutes to spare. I began drawing on a separate sheet of paper.

I should not be left to my own devices They come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis I wake up screaming from dreaming One day I'll watch as you're leaving, 'cause you got tired of my scheming

I hadn't realized that the bell rang. I was in my own little world. Steve walked over to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey," he said, "You ready for lunch?" I nodded and stood up from the desk.

______

(Later)

"I don't know what's wrong. I'm worried about her, Nancy," Steve said, running a hand through his hair. "Worried about who?" I asked, joining our friends for lunch. He looked up from his pasta. He glimpsed at Nancy. "Oh, he was telling me that he's worried for Robin," she said.

I nodded and took out a sandwich my mom made for me this morning. "I don't blame her. Calculus is hard," I said, taking a sip of my water. Nancy nodded in agreement. She smiled as Jonathan sat down.

Robin soon joined the other side of me, her plate covered in different types of food. I looked at her with raised brows. "What? Art class brings an appetite out of me," she shrugged. "How was that final, by the way?" I asked. "It was fine. I'm hoping my sketches were good enough," she answered. For the rest of lunch, we talked about our midterms and what we were doing over the weekend.

My boyfriend and I planned to take a trip to Lovers Lake with Nancy and Jonathan. Nancy had been talking about it all week; she wanted to provide the snacks, meaning she and her mother would be making them.

"Y/N, Steve. How did the Biology exam go? I need the details before I step foot in Ms. Smith's classroom," Jonathan asked. "It was easy, surprisingly," Steve replied, "It was just those graphs we studied, and we have to label some cell parts." Jonathan nodded, taking a bite of his lunch. I thought it was a little easy. Biology was kind of an okay subject for me.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me At tea time, everybody agrees I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

When it came to different terminology or finding the correct definitions, I'd always get stumped. Nancy had helped Steve and me study for the midterm. I just hoped that was enough to get me a better grade in the class.

Steve noticed that I had grown quiet after the mention of our Biology midterm. Lunch ended, and it was time for us to head to the library, given that we had a free period. I wanted to head home, but I knew my parents wouldn't like me leaving early, especially during midterm week.

The two of us walked back to the library. "Are you sure you're okay?" Steve asked, sitting down across from me. I nodded, not wanting to worry him. But something tells me that even saying I was fine probably made him more worried. Steve knew what went through my head regardless if I told him or not.

He was aware of my problems with self-image, I was getting better, but some days were harder than others. I had a great support system, and I thanked Steve for that every day. Today, for example, wearing this sweater that I thought I liked was really putting me in a different mood.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby And I'm a monster on the hill Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city Pierced through the heart but never killed

And Steve could tell just by me zoning out or the constant nodding in assurance or words such as 'I'm fine' and 'I'm okay' with an unconvincing smile. At times, it felt like I was my own anti-hero, taking myself down for no reason. My mom always told me that those thoughts were the cons of growing up.

I mean, I guess she's right. We grow up in our bodies, so why do we treat ourselves badly? I pulled out my textbook to finish my study guide; that way, I wouldn't have to do it when I got home.

Steve promised he would help my brother practice for Lacrosse tryouts, and he asked me to be the ref. Steve never played Lacrosse, but his father did in college, so he's learned a thing or two.

Steve did anything but look at his book. Steve smiled at me when he saw my head stuck in my book. He pulled the edge of the book towards himself, but I brought it back to me. "Don't study too hard. Your eyes will pop out of her head," he teased.

He chuckled when my eyes met his. The corners of his mouth lifted, smiling at my nose scrunching at his comment. "What's wrong?" I whispered. "Nothing. I just think you should take a break," Steve thought. "Steve, we've been in the library for five minutes," I clarified.

Steve rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat. He tapped his hands on the desk, acting like the table was a drum set. I looked over my shoulder to see the librarian scowling at my boyfriend. I hid my laugh with a cough. Steve sunk in his seat and sent a look my way. "Shut up," he muttered. "Make me," I replied, flipping to another page in my book.

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism Like some kind of congressman? I wake up screaming from dreaming One day I'll watch as you're leaving And life will lose all its meaning

He lightly kicked my leg, causing me to jump at the touch. Steve smirked to himself and finally grabbed his notebook. I shook my head in amusement and went back to my own little world where I escaped every now and then. Another thing my mother would always point out, "Sometimes going into your own reality isn't always a good thing, honey."

I'd roll my eyes at her comment. My father would disagree and claim that's where I get my most thinking done. He's always been someone who has supported me. He's got this carefree and jumpy personality that my brother and I loved, including Steve. Then, my mind goes to another part of my reality that reminds me of how different I am from my family.

I've never been an active person. Sure, I did dance and soccer when I was younger, but now that I'm getting close to college. I have no clue what I want to do with my life. My parents often say that I should do whatever I want with my life, but it's kind of hard to figure that out at age eighteen. Steve tells me not to beat myself up about it.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me At tea time, everybody agrees I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

The last bell rang for the day. Finally! It was time to head home. Steve's arm found its place on my shoulders on our way to his car. We said goodbye to our friends before driving to my place. My brother was still at school, but Steve wanted to set up my yard for Timmy, my brother.

My fingers tapped on the armrest as the radio played. Steve turned up the volume, noticing me bopping my head to the melody. He glanced at me and smiled. We pulled into the driveway and walked inside. "I'm gonna get changed. I'll be right back," I told Steve.

He gave me a thumbs up, stepping into the kitchen to grab a snack. I changed into my father's sweatshirt and shorts, immediately feeling more comfortable in these clothes. I loved the way the soft fabric of the sweatshirt touched my skin. It almost felt like I getting a hug the whole time I wore it.

I rubbed the side of the sleeves as I walked into the kitchen. Steve leaned against the counter, eating an apple and reading a book. I chuckled softly. "What?" he looked up with a portion of the apple in his mouth. "You look so philosophical," I said. His leg was propped on the cabinet, and he wore his favorite red sweater.

Steve looked at his position and attire before looking back at me. He caught on and put the book down. "What were you even reading?" I walked over to him. I noticed it was my grandmother's old cookbook. I let out another laugh. "What? It looked interesting," Steve defended himself.

"The art of making squash soup sounded interesting to you?" I held up the blue and green book. "Yeah," he said, taking another bite of the fruit. I wiped a bit of juice the apple had spread. Steve leaned into my touch.

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money She thinks I left them in the will The family gathers 'round and reads it, and then someone screams out, "She's laughing up at us from hell"

He looked like he was going to ask me something but didn't know how to properly say it. I took my hand off his face and thought of getting something for myself. I opened the fridge and scanned over the shelves. "Y/N/N, can I ask you a question?" Steve set his foot on the ground.

"Sure. You can ask me anything," I said, picking up a small bottle of orange juice and a cheese stick. Steve sighed and turned to me with his side against the kitchen island. "I know I've asked this all day, but I'd like to get a true response," Steve said, "We're always honest with one another, but today I feel like there is something that you're not telling me."

I closed the fridge, partially knowing what he was going to ask me. I leaned against the appliance with my eyes on the tiled flooring. I traced the triangle pattern along the edges. "Is it something that I've done? If it is, tell me, and I can fix it," Steve stepped towards me with open hands. I shook my head and looked up at him for the first time since getting my snack.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

"I don't think you can fix this," I said. Steve's brows furrowed. I looked up at the ceiling fan to prevent myself from getting emotional. Steve stood beside me but made sure to keep a good distance. "Today's been hard," I spoke, "I know I'm getting better at not looking at myself as the anti-hero, but some days that idea just can't seem to escape my head."

Steve watched me as I expressed what was going through my head all day or all the time. He hesitated at first but laced his hand with mine. "I know you said I can't fix this, but I sure as hell am going to try and fix it," Steve said. He reached down and kissed the top of my head.

"I love you for you," he said, "I love your smart brain. I love the way you look at things differently. And I especially love how you go along with my shitty pickup lines. Robin might think they're stupid, but you never stop to make me smile with your comebacks." He wrapped his arms around me tightly. "I love you too," I said, earning another kiss on the forehead.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me At tea time, everybody agrees I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Taglist: @b-ritney @ramaalkayyali @midnightstar-90 @nix-rose

#stranger things #stranger things season one #stranger things two #stranger things three #stranger things season four #joe keery #joe keery imagines #joe keery x-reader #joe keery fluff #steve harrington #steve harrington imagines #steve harrington x-readers #steve harrington fluff #song inspired #Spotify

[russosafehaven]

Anti-Hero

A/N: This one gets dark. I’m also going back to my roots and writing in first person!! Normally I write in second, but for this one shot I feel like first person works better.

Title: Anti-Hero

Song: Anti-Hero - Taylor Swift

Pairing: Hosptial!Billy Russo x Fem!Reader

Content: SA, Male nurses being dicks, medical trauma, medical abuse, Krista should probably lose her license but she’s a sweetheart, reader annoys the fuck out of Billy, Billy is a good guy who Rawlins pinned the blame on, Frank feels like a dick, Detailed SH, ED and Sui references, Reader is severely mentally ill, paedophilia, basically shit gets dark 👍, reader mentions death a lot cause their entire family is kinda dead, pregnancy at the end

This fic is extremely self indulgent!! A lot of the experiences are pulled from my life and what I’ve been through. Some are dramatised for the storyline of course (i.e the bouncy castle incident, readers parents dying, etc.)

BR Taglist: @snowkestrel

~

“Mr Castle, I know you and Mr Hoyle had your reservations about my assistance in Mr Russo’s care, so I wanted to bring it up to you first. I think it would be beneficial for another patient to be moved into Billy’s room. They both have a lot in common and I think it would help them both move past their current situations”

I listened behind the door, Dr Dumont had brought it up to me in our last session. Moving me into another assholes room in order to help me. Personally I think I’m doing great, if it weren’t for the dickwad nurses who kept holding me down to drug me. I get it, I’m irrational and violent. Doesn’t mean they get to assault me.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoon

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room

I felt like a creep, eavesdropping on my psych and two men I didn’t even know. What were there stories? Would they hurt me too? I couldn’t see any of them, the door blocking my vision. Fortunately all I need was to listen in anyway.

“Look Dr Dumont, I’m not sure-“

One of the men started, I’m not sure which before he was cut off by a quiet slap. It was moments like this I needed a picture, but it doesn’t matter anyways. Visualisation works fine for me.

“Not so hasty Frank. Billy having someone to keep him company would be could. Considering we can’t be here all the time, if he remembers more and gets distressed he’s going to need someone. Who better then another patient who most likely knows procedures”

This man’s voice was different, softer. Not as harsh as the other man’s, Franks, voice. Frank’s vocals were all rough edges and sharp turns, the other man’s was like a smooth pebble, it could do damage but was soft to the touch.

“That’s exactly the plan Mr Hoyle. The patient I’ve selected has been here since they were 16 and I think Billy would be a perfect fit for them. They both grew up in the system, they’ve had similar childhoods. Maybe finally get them to see the outside world, Mr Castle I know you’re hesitant with the idea. But we don’t know how long Billy will take until he’s discharged, this patients been here for 8 years. Please just let them try, the results may surprise you. They’re right outside if you want to meet them”

It’s true, I’ve been here 8 years. I tried to kill myself when I was 16. I took a blade to my wrists and cut the open, pressing down until I could see the veins. The scar has faded but it’s still prominent. Dr Dumont has been here with me since the beginning, she was a student when we first met. Now she’s more like a sister, which sure is unorthodox and wrong. At least I’m not dead though right?

“Fine, where are they?”

Footsteps came towards the door. I backed away trying to scurry away, instead Krista’s face confronted me. Her soft brown skin and lovely dark hair. Dr Dumont was gorgeous, anyone could see it. Even if she wasn’t the greatest psych at times, she’s helped me a lot. Sure I’ve never been able to leave because I’m still a danger but without her the hospital staff would’ve just thrown me on the streets. A hand reached out for mine and I took it, clinging like she was my lifeline.

I should not be left to my own devices

They come with prices and vices

I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving

‘Cause you got tired of my scheming

(For the last time)

“Mr Hoyle, Mr Castle, this is Mx. Y/N L/N. They were my first patient back when I was a student”

I waved meekly, analysing the two men. One had dark skin and leaned heavily to the right, an amputee or a bad knee. The other was stocky, tall and had a few scars. The dark skinned man waved back, reaching out his hand. I tended up, feeling my skin construct around my jugular notch. The feeling was grotesque and I hated it, it made me sick. Feeling it tighten and shift as my body locked itself up.

“Sorry, I should’ve mentioned. They don’t always trust men at first, severe sexual trauma in the past has resulted in debilitating androphobia. Another reason they haven’t been able to leave”

Both men nodded and I felt myself subconsciously moving towards Krista, seeking comfort from the older woman. On the hospital bed closest to the window a body shifted, the stocky man turned around. Going to the sleeping figure and getting him to sit up.

“Ah, Billy you’re awake”

Krista spoke once again. Her voice was sweet. I walked over to the bed that sat to the left of Billy’s. Sitting down on it and pulling the blanket around me. In my peripheral I saw the dark skinned man kneel down, facing me.

“Hey, kid I’m sorry if I scared you. I didn’t know, my names Curtis Hoyle. I’m a former medic for the military. Lost my leg in an explosion and now I run a support group for vets. That guy there is Frank Castle. Don’t know if you get the news in here but he has some less than legal hobbies. Neither of us are gonna hurt you, I get that it won’t soothe you, PTSD fucks you up good. That third guy is Billy Russo, he’s the CEO of a huge company. He can be an asshole but he should warm up to you”

He didn’t try to to put his hands near me and his face winced, it looked painful to kneel. Especially now that I know he is an amputee. Curtis stood up, walking over to Frank and Billy. They talked in between themselves, Krista walked over. Kissing my forehead lightly and telling me she’d bring my stuff over later. I walked as she walked out the door, Curtis and Frank following her out soon after.

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me

At tea time, everybody agrees

I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

“So your names Billy? It suits you”

I tried speaking to him after moments of silence. He didn’t respond, so I kept talking.

“I’m guessing you’re not a talker. Usually I’m not either unless it’s with Doc Dumont. She’s been helping me since I was 16, now Im 24 and nothings changed. It sucks being locked up. I went from abusive home to group home to hospital. Doc said you grew up in the system too? I think that’s why she wanted to pair us together. Something about relating to one another. Being able to help each other”

Still Billy said nothing, so I climbed out of my bed. Walking over to his bed and sitting down. Blanket still wrapped tightly around me.

“I’m sorry if I’m overstepping but I can talk quieter if I’m closer. Hope that’s okay. You know I like your mask, it’s beautiful. Looks like a jigsaw puzzle, kinda reminds me of my scars. When I was 14 I carved pictures into my skin. On my right thigh there’s a star with a puzzle piece next to it. It sounds crazy but I guess that’s why I’m here isn’t it? I’m too mentally deranged for the public to handle. I’ve got carved up skin, I overdosed, I’ve starved and purged, done it all except for drugs and alcohol. Told myself I’d never touch them, when my dad go drunk he’d touch me. Ways a dad shouldn’t touch you, not that I wanna go into detail. He’s an asshole and I’m glad he’s dead. Just wish I didn’t have to watch as my mum plunged a knife into his chest. It was her Chicago moment, ‘He ran into my knife, he ran into my knife ten times’ but instead of jail she slit her throat. Left me all alone until the cops came and dumped me at Ray of Hope”

Billy was now looking at me, I couldn’t see his features. I didn’t know what his face looked like, but his eyes. God his eyes, they were like pieces of obsidian stolen from hell. I could look at them forever.

“You know I hate men, downright terrified of ‘em. I’ve never really met a man that wasn’t a straight up perv or borderline rapist. You seem different, so do your friends. Maybe it’s cause your in hospital and I haven’t spoken to any other dicks but the male nurses who are pervs and assholes in years. Never had visitors, no one cares if my story is told ya know? Parents didn’t want me, no foster families wanted me. I was just a fucked up little kid”

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I’m a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favourite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Billy reached a hand to my neck, tracing the scars on my neck. Tilting his head silently asking me how it happened, I began to explain.

“I was what, 18? They sent me out for a day, unsupervised the idiots. I brought a pack of razors, disposable kind since I was under 21. Went to a public bathroom and pull the apart until I could get the blade. Bloody difficult task I tell you. When I was summoned back to my room and the nurses were all sent out, I picked one of the blades. Pressing them to my skin and dragging the metal across. Digging in, testing the waters of how deep I could go. I kept slicing until I could reach the hypodermis. When I was happy with the depth, I placed it to my neck. Starting on my left pushing it in, it stung like a fucking bitch. I pulled, swiftly, ripping through the skin and I watched the blood spurt. I collapsed, pulled down a bunch of equipment with me causing the nurses to run in. They had to rush me to emergency surgery. I could’ve died that night. You know they say after five attempts death is guaranteed? Maybe I’m just a fucking pussy but I’ve tried so many times. Nothing will end me Billy, I just can’t seem to let go”

I wasn’t crying, I know I should be. Anyone else in my position would be. It’s a tragic tale or at least it’s meant to be. I didn’t feel anything though, it was just life to me. The same shitty life I’ve had since my dad touched me. Since he followed me into the shower and traced patterns over my breasts which hadn’t even developed. When he made me play with his penis like I was his wife, but I wasn’t. I was his three year old child. I was his kid, the results of unions with him and his wife. Yet to him, the man I was supposed to call my father I was a sex toy. It stayed that way you until I was 12, when my mum stabbed him and slit her throat.

“It’s not a tragic tale Billy. It’s life. Shit happens to all of us. My parents died in a murder suicide when I was 12 years old because my mum god fed up with me crying about my dad touching me. I spent four years in Ray of Hope until I had enough of the pervs there and tried to kill myself. Now I’m here and I’ve been here for eight fucking years Billy. I’ve barely seen the outside world, after my slit throat they didn’t allow me out. I could see other people in normal circumstances because I’m the fucking problem. Not the pedophiles who did this shit to me, not the bitches who bullied me and used me as entertainment, me. I’m the fucking problem because these assholes love to blame the victim. It makes me wonder if I am the victim, maybe I made everyone do this to me. You know before my parents had me they had two miscarriages. Then they had my brother, two years later they had me. My brother died in an accident when I was 4. Stupid thing too, it wasn’t a car or plane crash. It was his birthday, his goddamn birthday Billy. We were at an amusement park, he was on the bouncy castle and someone jumped on him the wrong way. Snapped his spine. That day my dad got worse, maybe if I had looked out for my brother more it wouldn’t have happened”

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I’ll watch as your leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

~

Days had passed since I was first placed in Billy’s room. I had my books and posters now, decorating my side. The collection had grown thanks to Dr Dumont, who brought me small things when she saw them. Thinking they’d help brighten my day. They help a lot, more than she knows but that’s okay. She’s just my doctor anyways.

“What was it like when you first started cutting?”

Billy spoke up, the first time I’d heard him speak since we’d gotten in this position. His voice was nice, not as gruff or as soft as his friends but it held a certain air of elegance around it. Billy was on the floor working out. Something I was banned from due to my eating disorder.

“I was maybe 10 or 11? Learnt what it was from another Girl Guide. Yup you heard it correctly, I developed a cutting addiction because of Girl Guides. She posted videos of her cutting to social media and I thought ‘hey! That might help me’. So I went and found a pair of those red children scissors, tried to slice my skin with them. Didn’t work, got some red scratches but wasn’t enough. So then I grabbed a kitchen knife. I bled but not enough. I didn’t get deep enough for hypertrophic scars until I was 13. Some idiot left a razor blade out, the ones used for scraping windows or whatever. I stole it, used it for weeks. The feeling of pressing the blade down and swiping it through was invigorating Billy. Felt like fucking nirvana or some shit. I’d take the blade, pressing it into my skin and then swipe as hard as I can. Watch as the skin pulls apart. I would lear at the white stuff, I reached dermis a lot. Second layer of skin yknow? I felt alive as I watched the blood bubble up and drip onto my sheets. Old folks at the group home never thought it was odd. Assumed it was my period the bloody idiots. Foster homes never really cared either, they just told me I was dramatic. Sometimes I wish I never started, I could be out in the world doing something. Living my fucking life. I always wanted to be an author as a kid. Writing was my fucking passion and still is now, about the only thing I’m still good at with all the nerve damage”

Billy had stopped doing his crunches as I finished my tale. Yet he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were trained on the door two nurses stood there with two trays of food. One nurse walked over to Billy, placing it down on his side table. The other walked over to me, placing mine down.

“You’re fucking lucky your psych has told us not to supervise you yknow? There’s kids starving out there and all you wanna do is waste food. You’re a sad piece of shit. If it was up to me, you would’ve been gone long time ago. Dumont’s just a quack though, when she leaves you won’t be so safe”

He placed a hand to my chest, squeezing my right breast and pushing me backwards. Causing me to fall into my bed. That nurse was always a dick, he was assigned to me back when I was 17. Used to try and watch me shower, even though a female nurse was meant to. Surprised he hasn’t gotten the sack yet. I heard Billy picking up his tray, walking over to me. He took a seat on my bed, it was odd. Normally I’d go over to his to annoy him while I found reasons to avoid eating.

“Those nurses always treat you like that?”

I nodded, looking at my tray of food and picking through what I wanted to have. Just to quench my hunger. There was a falafel wrap, a small pudding cup and some fruit juice. Indicating Claire most likely put my dinner together before dick nurse took over. Billy’s hand reached out to me, resting gently on my knee. He was sat cross legged and looked oddly peaceful for a hospital setting. He pulled his mask off and instinctively I turned away. Billy hadn’t shown me his face yet and I wasn’t about to break a boundary. His hand reached out, pulling it up to face him. He was a sight, dark brown hair that had been buzzed, an array of scars decorating his face, dark inky eyes that I loved.

“You should try and eat, know you say it’s not easy but you need it. All that yapping you do”

He let out a chuckle, finding humour in teasing me. I couldn’t help but laugh as well. A real genuine laugh that I hadn’t felt in years. I didn’t have many friends in the hospital, everyone always avoided me because of my scars. Billy… he saw me. Not the broken, sad, sob story me, but the real me. The dorky, loud, chaotic mess who loved story telling and art. He brought me back to the surface after so many years of drowning.

“I do not yap Russo”

Unbeknownst to me at the time, Krista Dumont was watching the interaction. Watching as I picked apart my food to fling it at Billy. Watching as I laughed my ass off and lived in the child like bliss. I’d only known Billy for a few days, he rarely spoke. He preferred to workout than talk, his therapy sessions weren’t always easy for him and he loved when his friends came to visit. Except when Dinah Madani came, all she wanted to do was prove he was still guilt. Curtis, Frank, Karen, Sarah, Micro, Leo and Zach were all welcome though. Soon they become my people as well, it took a while for Billy to get me to trust them but he did. Now in this moment, as we’re eating together I feel peaceful.

“You do, you’re always fucking talking. For the first few days I thought you were gonna run out of things to talk about. All I wanted to do was to yell at you to shut up, more you spoke more I realised you just wanted to connect”

For the first time in months I took a proper bite of my dinner. Instead of picking it apart and counting the calories. It was nice, Billy was nice.

~ Five years Later ~

25th December 2022

A lot had happened since I had finally gotten out of hospital. All on chance of a guy who had gotten his face smashed into a carousel. His name was William Russo, but he preferred Billy. For the first time in ages I was seeing the outside world again. He invited me to live in his apartment, a penthouse one at that. Expensive and chic. His friends took me in, Karen showed me the sights of New York, Curtis taught me first aid, Frank taught me self defence (much to Billy’s disapproval), Micro introduced me to the technological advancements I missed out on and his wife Sarah taught me how to cook. Their two kids? Leo and Zach? Well they roped me into playing games of all sorts with them. I’ve experienced holiday traditions I didn’t know about and for the first time in a decade I had a family.

“Baby are you ready, we need to get going if we’re gonna get to the Lieberman’s in time”

Billy’s voice called out for me. I walked out of our shared bedroom, into the living room where he was waiting for me. He had a stack of boxes to be taken down to the car and I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. Billy made his way over to me, hands going straight for the baby bump.

“Look at you gorgeous, can’t wait to tell ‘em all the good news”

Yeah, life was good. Maybe rooting for the anti-hero wasn’t always that bad.

#billy russo #billy russo imagine #billy russo x reader #billy russo fluff #the punisher imagine #billy russo angst #ben barnes #the punisher #x reader #frank castle #curtis hoyle #tw : ed #tw : death #tw : sh #tw : hospital #tw : suicide

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Okay for drama purposes, let’s say either Bella or Marcus from the Less than immaculate concept swap with their Breaking Dawn counter parts. Or both if that makes for a more interesting string of events. I’ve got a vague idea of what might happen but your much better at predicting these characters actions. Regardless, a pregnant Bella swaps with another pregnant Bella, shenanigans in-sue.

The Less Than Immaculate Conception by myself and @therealvinelle

God you know, I think maximum insanity is both. So, let's do it.

Somewhere in Italy, Marcus Has a Stroke

Marcus admits this is weird even for him. He's mildly aware that he's been crawling his way out of depression, he's actually been doing well. He's been climbing stairs, remembers conversations, says actual words to people, it's a new world.

Even in his worst state though, he doesn't remember having hallucinated entire events and skipped out on what sounds like years. Except, of course, that Aro keeps claiming the calendar hasn't changed which meant they just went backwards...

Regardless, Marcus finds himself in Volterra where he doesn't have a half-human son, Bella never took his art class and was not turned into a vampire, the Cullens were not broken apart, and Edward has not been killed by 'Romanians'.

And Aro, of course, gets to witness Marcus's hyper realistic alarming false memories that seem to be entirely irrelevant and weird. (Marcus, why would you ever have sex with human Bella? Why would that ever happen?!)

Post Breaking Dawn, this is alarming for a number of reasons and if it wasn't so fucking weird would be thought of as foul play. As it is, Aro gets to fill Marcus in that Bella is probably their enemy right now and the entire world knows about her and someone much smarter than Bella is going to use her at the first opportunity to siege Volterra.

Though Aro, ah, hopes this will not happen. A lot.

Also, Bella had a baby with Edward, not with you.

Marcus shudders like choking on a hairball but tries to come to terms with this. (Aro doesn't know if he's horrified or delighted that Marcus seems to have beaten his depression because of hallucinations but OH GOD HE KNOWS ABOUT DIDYME HE KNOWS).

Somewhere in Forks, Bella's Been Kidnapped by Aliens Again, And This Time She's the Alien

Bella discovers she's back in Forks Washington and that she's in a hellscape where Edward's back from the dead and she's married him. Now, Bella's not quite as anti-Edward as in Painting Red Madonnas where he murders her father but he still left her weird voicemails and sounds like a creep.

"Oh Bella, no," Bella says to her alternate self. "Bella yes" alternate Bella says to her when it's clear that Bella not only married this guy, but had sex with him while human, has his baby daughter, and is super married to him.

And he's so baby faced.

And so is she because oh god she married him out of high school.

WHYYYYYYYYY BELLLAAAAA, WHY YOU DO?!

Bella doesn't know what to do. On the other hand, she should divorce Edward. On the other hand, that will mess up their vampire daughter and Bella lived through a nasty parental divorce herself and knows the damage that can cause. On the other hand, living a lie will also be terrible and she's stuck with all the Cullens, even the ones who suck (though to be fair, Bella per this timeline doesn't know them all that well as they vamoosed quickly). On the other hand, Edward's scary and she legitimately doesn't know what to do if he thinks she's the love of his life and she uh dumps him.

HM.

She also doesn't know what to do with herself. Does she hook back up with Marcus? Is this universe Marcus even her Marcus? Did both of them swap or was it just Bella? This other Marcus sounds... like a person who does nothing.

(Carlisle is also very concerned Bella keeps asking him questions about Marcus, the Volturi, and very heavy handedly implying he had a long running affair with Aro as if it's old news.)

Well, then we get to Jacob.

"Oh my god, we're still friends in this world," Bella says to herself as wow, Jacob, here, and not with weird culty bros. Then she learns he is with weird culty bros because he was a shapeshifter the entire time and apparently sworn to secrecy.

"Oh," Bella says, not sure how to feel about that, because she can't really blame Jake for things and this is a lot of emotions.

Then she learns about imprinting and that Jacob, apparently, is grooming her toddler. "The fuck?" Bella asks and the explanations just make it sound worse. And the Cullens, being weird aliens of course, are going along with this.

Well.

There's nothing for it.

Bella kidnaps her own daughter to Volterra.

Bella Kidnaps Her Daughter to Volterra

Just when Aro thought he had a handle on Marcus having a stroke, Bella appears to have had a stroke. "You're bringing us your daughter?" he asks slowly, unable to believe it. Renesmee too looks terrified but her mother's explanations (and her mother in general) have made her not want to ask questions.

"Yep" Bella says.

Marcus isn't sure if he's relieved or not because this is definitely Bella Swan but... what even is this?

The trio debates. Bella's on board, that's nice, one less thing to worry about and a bonus of a new guard if they can trust her. CAN WE?! Caius asks. Per Marcus's gift, apparently yes.

Of course, this means the other Cullens will find out Bella just went mad and kidnapped herself and her daughter to Volterra without even consulting them and.

Oh.

Won't that be fun.

"Well, at least they don't have Bella," Aro says.

It Descends into Nonsense

As you can imagine, Edward rallies the troops and tries to get both Bella and Renesmee back and accuses Aro of tyranny. It all spirals out of control.

#twilight #twilight renaissance #the less than immaculate conception #bella swan #marcus #renesmee cullen #the cullens #aro #caius #the volturi #meta #headcanon #opinion

[artoutoftheblue]

Read before interacting with me

16 || They/Them || Ace & Pangender || American (Central Daylight Time) || Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Suspected BPD, ADHD, Anxiety, Executive Dysfunction, Anger Issues (which I do my best to keep at a down low) and Depression

Current Follower Count: 836

Current Inbox Count: 94

Birthday: April 10th

DNI: Radfems, Terfs, Anti-LGBT, Ableists, Racists, Proshippers, and Celestialcest shippers. Interact with me and I'll block you, it's as simple as that.

Will block anyone who supports/rbs art of/or ships Solarmoon and will not hesitate to do so, even if you're a close friend, sorry but that's just how it goes. Just dont be gross.

DO. NOT. REPOST. MY. ART.

I dont give a flying fuck what the reason is, if you dont have my permission and you dont credit me, dont fucking repost it.

My restriction on fanart post

List of all my awesome moots that you should go follow right now

If you use my art as an avatar, banner, etc, CREDIT ME. PLEASE.

Eclipse, Bloody, and Solar my bbgs

Current Hyperfixafion: The Sun and Moon Show

Current Interests: Five Nights at Freddys, The Sun and Moon Show, Warrior Cats, Wings of Fire, The Amazing Digital Circus, Stranger Things, The Umbrella Academy, My Little Pony, Hazbin Hotel

Current Fursonas: Main - Sunshine (Fennec Fox), Secondary - Jupiter (Aardwolf)

Please ask me before you DM me. If I say I dont want to, then dont get upset. The only times I want to be DMed is for commissions or if I'm good friends with you

•Comms: Closed

•Art Trades: Closed

•Art Requests: Closed

•Art Tag: #blues art

•Reblog Tag: #blues reblogs

•Reference Sheet Tag: #blues references

•Fanart Tag: #art for others

•Fanart for me Tag: #art for me

•Cat posts: #blues cats

•Talkin about aus, crossovers, or just stuff in general: #blue talks

•Art from Mutuals: #moots art

CW: This blog may talk about things that may be uncomfortable for some people (topics such as abuse, neglect, torture, and others), if these make you uncomfortable then I highly suggest looking elsewhere

Here's everything you need from me:

•Playlist of all the songs I like (that arent fnaf related)

•Comm Sheet

•Discord Server

•Old unfinished fic with old lore: Haunted Stars

•Character Heights List

•My YouTube Channel: •//Sunny D\\•

•BTBverse Storyline askblog

•LSverse askblog

•CtOSverse askblog

•OSverse askblog

•HSverse askblog

•My age is in my bio, you probably just gotta click on it

My AUs:

1. Haunted Stars AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

2. Overseas AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

3. Breaking the Bounds AU (My SAMS AU) (Updated Post) (Current Statuses of the characters): Art tag, Rambling tag

4. Roleplay AU (Has yet to be named)

5. Shapeshifter AU (I'll bring it back eventually)

6. Warrior Cats x SBS AU (Statuses of woodclan) (Statuses of other clans): Art tag, Rambling tag

7. Lord Solar AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

8. Confined to one Spot AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

9. Mask of Innocence AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

10. Lord Crimson AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

11. The Cost of Doubling Down AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

12. Wings of Fire x SBS AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

13. Swap!BTB AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

14. Game of Thrones x SBS AU (still in the works)

15. Stranger Things x SBS AU (Still in the works)

16. Always Evil AU (still in the works): Art tag, Rambling tag

17. Celestial Fairies AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

18. Junkyard AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

19. Minds of Static AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

20. Stockholm CtOS AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

21: Werefoxes AU: Rambling tag

22: Evil Solar AU: Art tag, Rambling tag

23: WC x SBS offshoot (technically a crossover but whatever) (info post) (info post on previous cats): Art tag, Rambling tag

24: TSAMS Demon AU (info post): Art + Rambling tag

Crossovers I post about sometimes:

-General Crossover Tag

1. Breaking the Bounds AU x Celestial Siblings Show: Tag

2. Breaking the Bounds AU x Trapped Forever AU: Tag

3. Breaking the Bounds AU x Crystalverse AU: Tag

4. Lord Solar AU x Trapped Forever AU: Tag

5. Overseas AU x Celestial Siblings Show AU: Tag

6. Overseas AU x Trapped Forever AU: Tag

7. WC x SBS AU x Celestial Siblings Show AU: Tag

8. Hunger Games Time Loop Crossover (death post): Tag

9. Hunger Games Game Night Crossover

10. Confined to One Spot AU x Trapped Forever AU: Tag

11. Mask of Innocence AU x Celestial Siblings Show AU: Tag

12. Lord Crimson AU x Trapped Forever AU: Tag

13. RightHand Supernova AU: Tag

14. Breaking the Bounds AU x Red Blue and Black AU: Tag

15. Celestial Siblings Show AU x Haunted Stars AU: Tag

16. Supernova AU x Haunted Stars AU: Tag

17. Red Blue and Black AU x Haunted Stars AU: Tag

(If you wanna crossover with any of my aus then @ me with some scenarios! I love doing crossovers with anyone!)

#blues art #blues references #art for me #blues cats #breaking the bounds au #btb stuff #lord solar au #ls stuff #lord crimson au #lc stuff #haunted stars au #hs stuff #confined to one spot au #ctos stuff #overseas au #os stuff #wc x sbs au #wc x sbs offshoot #wc stuff #wc offshoot stuff #crossover stuff #minds of static au #mos stuff #junkyard au #jy stuff #fairy au #fy stuff #hunger games stuff #RightHand!Supernova AU #tcodd x css

[captainimprobable]

Hey Furubacord, I don't know how many of you still follow me or don't have me blocked, but I wanted to talk about what's happening from my POV.

In January, I made a comment about how hard it is living with my parents. Everyone dogpiled on me, said it was my fault bc I'm not doing enough to move out, I should leave the state, I should get another job, and then getting mad when I said I couldn't do those things since I had just gotten out of a depressive episode. They insinuated they'd been talking about how annoying it is when I talked about that for awhile (that and my love life) and I said something rude to them. So I immediately messaged every single person and apologized. I was told it was fine. I was told this would not ruin our friendship. This was a lie. For the next eleven months I was COMPLETELY IGNORED by one person, and barely spoken to at all by a few others. I noticed this but stayed in the discord bc I really like a lot of you and wanted to stay friends with the ones who didn't inexplicably hate me. In September I stopped interacting as much with the Discord, and finally by November I decided to leave. I made a post saying I was leaving, and that I'd like to stay friends with people, and then things just. Got so bad. People IMMEDIATELY started shit talking me in the group, calling me a "colonizer apologist" for reasons I don't get but am assuming it's because I dared to say Israelis shouldn't be murdered either. I woke up the next day to almost every single person in the Discord unfollowing me on all social media, and someone who I had spoken to the night before, who told me they wanted to stay friends, had blocked me. Nobody spoke to me about this. Nobody told me what was going on. I can only assume a bunch of yall have been talking in DMs about what a bad person I am for awhile, and you convinced each other to drop me. Do you know how much it hurts to lose like ten people at once? People who you thought you were close to? For reasons they never explained? Do you know what a blow to self esteem it is to realize that your friends have been talking shit about you for possibly months, and were just waiting for you to leave so they could officially drop you? Idk if you dropped me bc of what happened in January or bc you assume I'm anti Palestinian (which I never once said???? And was pretty clear about???????) but either way it was hurtful and honestly immature, especially in the case of the people who promised we would stay friends. Idk if this will get back to yall and even if it does you'll probably talk amongst yourselves about how right you were to leave me, what a pain I am, and how much better you are than me bc your activism looks a little bit different from mine. Do you feel better now? Now that I'm no longer annoying you with my personality or pissing you off for caring about dead Jews? Thanks for four entire years of what turned out to be a complete lie. The only reason I don't think I wasted my time there is because I still have a few friends in the server who I love dearly and who didn't randomly drop me (thanks you guys). I figured out I was nonbinary and a lesbian in this server. I met a few of you in person. I gave a lot of you advice. I thought of some of you as my younger siblings. But message received. I'm out of your lives now. Thanks for doing it in the worst way possible. Hope you feel great about yourselves. Bye ig.

#jaytp #happy one week since i discovered a bunch of my friends secretly hated me <3

[liveblogsandthots]

this is my official coming out as a dean winchester girly post so here it goes

okay so something that i saw a while ago and has been bugging me since was a dean anti being like bla bla bla dean winchester is so pathetic for being upset and sad for his dad leaving him and doing his own thing when sam when to college like he was in his twenties he should have been fine it wasn’t a big deal whatever

im not going to come on here and say that dean was perfect and never did anything wrong or anything like that because boy howdy did the writers give him some questionable lines/plot points (kicking cas out of the bunker, how he first interacted with jack, three of the cheerleaders are legal) but jensen plays him in such a compelling way and his character is just really interesting but i just cannot get behind this take that he shouldn’t have been fucked up by this

we all know that if you look up codependent in the dictionary sam and dean would show up and john winchester is responsible for that. they grew up hoping from town to town barely staying long enough to make friends much less figure out how to keep in contact especially without social media and texting being what it is today. there were some other semi stable presences in their lives like bobby and pastor jim but they were still always temporary. now. when sam leaves for stanford he takes half the people in deans support system with him and he’s not good at staying in contact as we know from the pilot when they mention they haven’t talked in two years. also! deans not upset because his brother is leaving for college, he’s upset because thanks to john winchester’s a+ parenting he’s leaving for good, he’s not coming back for some weekends or for any other breaks, he’s leaving as in gone and planning on staying gone. but anyways when sam leaves that leaves john as the only person in deans life that he knows and is in contact with. he is not some normal twenty something living away from home for the first time and his complaining because he has to figure stuff out on his own, he is a deeply traumatized and lonely young man who literally has no one else in his life after his dad starts going on hunts without him. the only people he sees and talks to are strangers and it’s always small talk or maybe comforting the occasional victim and doing the occasional interview

he’s not being overdramatic for being hurt by being left by the only people he has left in the world. his experiences are not the same as a normal persons and obviously he’s not going to react the same way and that is okay! it is completely justified! also even if i did have a normal life with friends and coworkers and aunts uncles and cousins i would probably also be upset and a little depressed if my dad and my brother walked out on me and then barely contacted me after they left at pretty much any age??

anyways that was my little rant not sure if it makes sense to anyone else but just wanted to put it out there

#supernatural #dean winchester #spn meta #meta #john winchester

[inherstars]

When we first started dating, my husband told me a story about his Mom and his sister.

His sister, in every way a good girl and a good student, had made some small teenage slip-up of smoking a cigarette or maybe having a drink with her friends, and her parents found out.

Their mother took her out of school the next day, and they went out to get their nails done, their hair done. They had a nice lunch together, she took her out and bought her a cute outfit. Afterwards she sat her down and said, "Did you have a nice time today?" When his sister agreed that she had, their mother said, "Good, I'm glad. You can either have it this way, and enjoy nice things, or you can keep drinking / smoking, and you won't have these things anymore."

Sister decided that nice things and nice days out were the way to go, and it was never a problem again.

When we moved my parents here, I feel like this is the conversation I should have had with my mother.

When we moved them here in the summer of '18, my Mom was still all-in on a steady diet of Vicoprofen and some kind of anti-depressant that I don't remember, the combination of which alternately turned her in a zombie or a rage monster, and had some other unpleasant physical side-effects as well.

It took a good year to get her off of both these drugs. It helped that our area has a huge opioid problem, and doctors are gun-shy about prescribing unnecessary narcotics. Not that she didn't put on a VERY good show. Every day she was wincing and sucking her teeth over some new excruciating pain -- her hip, her back, her shoulder, whatever. When one failed to illicit the reaction she was hoping for, it miraculously got better and something else would start to pain her.

It also helped that when I would take her to these appointments, I would pull the nurse aside and let them know that she has a history of drug and alcohol abuse that she will not personally disclose.

She went through a LOT of doctors those first few months. You could tell the instant she asked for narcotics and was denied, because it was immediately a snappish declaration of, "I don't like this doctor, I don't think he knows what he's talking about."

Eventually all that shit got out of her system. The pains all suddenly went away, no more ooch'ing and ouch'ing, no more falling asleep slumped over her chair, no more shitting herself constantly and losing her dentures constantly.

For a long while, in fact, everything was fine. Which isn't to say she was always pleasant, because she's often still miserable and ungrateful, but she definitely became more tolerable. And for a while we had a pretty decent relationship.

I would take her out shopping, and introduced her to stores that she'd never been to before, and enjoyed. I would bake things for her and buy her little gifts. We would send each other memes and funny cat videos back and forth on Instagram. It was probably as good as it had ever been.

The problem is, I let my guard down. And that's where I fucked up.

She had an unrelated medical event (unrelated, although directly caused by her love of self-diagnosing and self-medicating herself, this time incorrectly), which landed her in the hospital, and which she managed to parlay into two separate prescriptions for Oxy, plus some muscle relaxers, plus some barbituates.

Suddenly she was spending all day slumped over her chair passed out, waking up only to argue with me or her husband, or shit herself.

I called her newest PCP, who -- surprise! -- had no idea that she had ANY history of substance abuse, and prescribed Narcan. Then we had a fun trip to the hospital, where we got to spend a fun 4 hours of her alternately vomiting into an emeses bag, howling that she was in pain and that everyone there was an idiot, and insisting that she hadn't taken a single pill that she shouldn't have in the past 27 years.

The level of delusion is astounding. Addicts live in their own reality.

All this to say that it's been a rough month or so of ER visits, hospital visits, rehab visits, medical ups and downs, caring for her and my stepfather while trying to also hold down my regular full time job and not just come home at 8:30 and immediately go to sleep.

She was released from the nursing facility on Wednesday, and immediately got snippy with me, demanding to know where her fucking pills were. Because I guess she assumed I'd just... what, leave them behind?

Right now, tentatively, she is back to taking care of herself and her husband, and I'm trying to get back to what was previously my normal life. She still can't drive, so anything beyond puttering back and forth is still left to me, but at least I don't have to make the trip there twice a day, and get an eyeful of my stepfather's naked 90-year-old ass and balls, because he refuses to wear pants.

But she's also doing things like sending me memes and funny cat videos on Instagram. And it's clear... she wants that back. She wants to have it both ways. I think she thinks I'm "mad at her" and that's why I'm not responding, that's why I'm going through the motions and doing what needs to be done, but declining to hug her or send her heart emojis or be her friend.

I don't want to be her friend. She had the choice of the good life -- shopping trips, little gifts, day to day conversation -- or drugs, and at the very first possible opportunity, she decided she wanted drugs.

I'm not sure if she'll ever ask, but I'm trying to formulate in my head how I'll explain to her, if I need to, that it's over now. The station is closed, the lights are off, the train doesn't stop there anymore.

You had a choice, and you made it, and you are already way, way past your lifetime allotment of do-overs.

#personal #tw: addiction #tw: drugs #tw: substance abuse