before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.
you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"
and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.
it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.
you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.
in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.
the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.
you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.
after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.
the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.
you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.
2K notes
·
View notes
@thedawningofthehour
Hey I've been rotating that one line in my head at the speed of light. Got me thinking about the biggest lie CY!Draxum ever told Junior. Desc under readmore.
Image 1:
Side profile of Donnie looking up at the quote "my father doesn't lie to me". She's wearing her headgear and saree with a choli and mask shaded in a slightly darker color. They are wearing earrings and two necklaces. They're saying "...hm"
Image 2:
Draxum, a buff goat man wearing a kurta with the sleeves rolled up. He's wearing his horns without the face plate or helmet. He's saying "of course I've lied to you." In slightly smaller text he's saying "you don't need vegetables, I just wanted you to eat good food."
Donnie's face is by his left elbow and they look deeply offended
65 notes
·
View notes
Elsa singing "and I won't let it go" in I seek the truth. It's so deep.
3 notes
·
View notes
in recent years, there's been a push in therapeutic circles to shift the language from "attention-seeking" to "connection-seeking" behavior.
i was an attention-seeker. i was the textbook example of an attention-seeker. i was a troublemaker. i would self-harm. i destroyed my own relationships. i was uncontrolled, dramatic, sensitive. i took everything personally. i had "nothing" to be depressed "about," but made a big show of how sad i was nonetheless. i was really unsafe about myself in a lot of ways.
the strange thing about that is: it meant others could ignore me. the prevailing wisdom behind knowing something is "attention seeking" is to say: well, since you want it that bad, you're not getting any. it meant i was lower-on-the-list of concern. it meant an eye-roll.
the belief was that: since i was obviously doing these things on purpose, it would be bad behavioral training if i was "rewarded" for it. it would "teach me" that i simply had to make enough fuss, and i'd finally get all that missing attention and love. no, it was better to ignore that stuff.
i was suffering. and it felt like - oh, it doesn't matter how loudly i am in pain, nobody gives a shit about if i'm living or dying.
awhile ago, i went through my journals from that time. a lot of them read the same thing. in them, i am convinced i am invisible. that nobody wants to hear me, to see me. that i could die or vanish and nobody would even notice. i didn't even want attention - not really - because it was always dismissive, mocking. nothing i ever did would be good enough to get someone to actually-worry about me.
that's a terrifying thing for me to read as an adult. that is a child who fully has no problem committing. that is a child who has no concept of feeling loved. the most basic human instinct is missing from her life.
i needed help. i didn't know how to ask for it. i was a kid. i was a kid in a bad home, and whenever i thought things couldn't get worse there - they almost always did.
and the ways i showed that - the ways i tried to deal with that - they made others dismiss me. i wasn't suffering prettily. after all, if i was really in trouble, why wouldn't i just march into the first counselor's office and ask someone to help me? i had the opportunities, right? what did i think would happen, exactly? that someone would finally stand up and do something? who even wants that kind of responsibility?
i heard connection-seeking for the first time about three months ago. my therapist mentioned it when we were talking about my history. it rang some kind of horrible bell, deep inside me. i don't know what she said in the rest of her sentence. i just started... crying.
"oh no", i said to her. "i think i just realized: i have no idea how to forgive them for minimizing the ways i was hurting."
how many other kids, though. how many other kids were out there drowning, snatching around for a lifevest, some kind of rope - how many were straight-up ignored.
how many of those kids aren't gonna get old.
9K notes
·
View notes
I just realized now that if S7 air and Yorishima make his anime debut the number of people believing him being Natsume's grandpa will increase too .... hmmmm ...
I don't know why alot of people believe this tbh .. this idea is funny to me and wrong on many front ...
I'm not denying those people or their ideas and theories .. none know the truth yet so it fun to have many ideas and such ,, it just this is my personal take is all .. actually, I'm opened to hear those people's line of reasoning since this idea never crossed my mind nor am I ever gonna consider it ..
personally, I do believe he play an important different role be it to Reiko or Natsume's real grandfather .. but him being the one is just funny xDD
to say it simply why it felt wrong to me ...
Dose Yorishima appear the type to have ever considered loving someone in his life or be happy ?? we're talking about the same person who always draw a line between him and other people .. he's the Natsume of the past ... even when he got injured, he fully cut all ties with humans so as not worry them or cause trouble to anyone .. hide the truth from his only friend.
I bet making a family of his own never crossed his mind out of not wanting to cause his future wife/kids any grief or pain because he's that kind. plus, he feels he doesn't deserve any kind of happiness.
I think he did talk about this subject with his friend in the past about loving someone and making a family ? I'm not in a state to check said chapter but I don't think my memory fails me ?
Yorishima is a shut-in .. the idea of him going in and out to meet Reiko who's that far away is an amusing idea lol
Yorishima is the type that Reiko would bully for her to fall in love with him or him winning over Reiko, the least type of person he would wanna interact with ever .. the idea of them falling in love and being married is funny sorry xDD >>> now you had me wanting to see these two interact together that badly ugh
if we do assume they were in love and had a daughter .. does Yorishima sound like the type of person to dumb his wife behind when she's pregnant ?? on top of that .. does he look like the type of person to let his wife get killed and leave his daughter left alone???
I'LL DEFEND YORISHIMA AGAINST ANYONE SAYING HE IS !!!
that only to list a few :)
30 notes
·
View notes