#i'm a sad lonely gay

[kyouka-supremacy]

I really wish there were more fics that delved into how Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is different from his love for Dazai.

Tbh I just wish Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai were acknowledged more and I'm only now realizing it's so weird how nobody really ever brings them up? while it's all so evidently there. I mean, considering Akutagawa to be / having been in love with Dazai is seriously a perfectly feasible, consistent, realistic way to interpret the text without any need to bend or stretch it. It just makes a lot of sense for how his character is portrayed - his obsession with Dazai, his devotion, his desperation to be acknowledged and approved by him - and I think it's quite the important piece to understand his character. His love for Dazai is a significant aspect of Akutagawa's character, and it also explains why he's always been so vulnerable to manipulation by Dazai specifically. In a way, I think Akutagawa being so unmistakingly gay is also coherent with the way he's completely indifferent and even oblivious to Higuchi's feelings for him that lie at the light of the day– although, please note, that's a slippery slope that can degenerate in apologism for the way he abuses her, so I beg to be mindful when considering that.

Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai are in ultimate analysis extremely relevant for how Akutagawa falls and acts in the sskk picture: Atsushi being not the first person Akutagawa ever fell for, so in a way him being more aware of his own feelings than Atsushi is; Akutagawa falling for Atsushi first (and harder), because at this point he already knows he likes men, he already knows what being in love with someone feels like. But at the same time I believe that it's so interesting to explore how his feelings for Dazai are different from what he holds for Atsushi. On one side you have Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai being passive: not in the way he doesn't act after them, of course he does, but in the way he's always passively subject to Dazai's abuse, unable to stand for himself, blinded by his devotion to Dazai and unable to really see the damage he's causing him. Passive in the way that he's created this image of Dazai in his mind, perfect, god-like, static and unnatural, that struggles to evolve and adapt to reality. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi, on the other hand, is aggressive: always actively trying to hurt the other, always attempting to make the other suffer; it really speaks of someone whom, all his life, has always associated love with pain. Akutagawa hurts Atsushi because he knows love means pain, and he hurts Atsushi because he can't allow his love for him to hurt Akutagawa again as deeply and painfully as it's done in the past. It's a little sad. Ultimately, Akutagawa's love for Atsushi being the push Akutagawa needs to get over Dazai at last, something I fear he never really managed to do up to - I believe - at least chapter 53: getting over Dazai as something he gradually achieved after the soul-searching he did during his absence between chapters 53 and 84. Chapter 84 being the one where Akutagawa willingly, readily said “no” to Dazai in a way that was so sudden and surprising for anyone who knows him and that is easy to interpret as Akutagawa finally starting to free himself from the influence Dazai has had on him up to that point. That's why Akutagawa's sacrifice for Atsushi is all the more important and poignant, because him protecting (and dying for) Atsushi was never for Dazai to begin with.

I always always considered Akutagawa being gay and in love with Dazai to be like. the most evidently queer thing the bsd canon has to offer (and maybe the “you know the reason yourself don't you”, but I guess that falls under the bigger category of “Ryuunosuke Akutagawa is a character that is gay”); but now that I think about it, nobody ever brings it up really. I can guess it's probably because most people - including people who like Akutagawa and ship sskk - ultimately sympathize with Dazai, and even where acknowledging the hurt he's done to Akutagawa, don't really like to dwell on it or explore the relationship between the two of them which is... legit, indeed. Still, I think their relationship and Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai are a very important part of his character that shouldn't be overlooked when trying to accurately portray him.

And the rational part of my brain knows this can't be intentional, knows Akutagawa wasn't written to be read as gay. But there's another I'd dare say equally rational part of my brain that keeps speaking up to say the majority of his characterization - his devotion to Dazai, his (can I say? tender) sacrifice for Atsushi, his mistreatment of Higuchi - really starts to make sense only when you interpret him as gay. So, sorry???

#ryūnosuke akutagawa #osamu dazai #sskk #shin soukoku #bsd #bungou stray dogs #mine #q. #14/05/23 #Edit: #*the most evidently queer thing the bsd canon has to offer together with oda/zai. #But I'm quite tired of receiving anon hate for thinking oda/zai is plainly in love in the text that I've opted for deleting that sentence. #Edit 2: Like I wouldn't even put it beyond canon to make Akutagawa canonly gay for Dazai. His attachment to him has already been– #consistently depicted as blinf irrational affection. And it would fall in that specific trope of #“gay character that is alone in their gayness because being gay is something that *can* happen but is also something *others* experience– #and gay people are destined to be sad and lonely because they can only love straight people unrequitedly. Their fate is tragic and sad– #and they will probably die also.” #Like that IS a trope that used to be a thing. I can think of at least a couple of old (and not old) eastern series that use it. #Still unlikely for Akutagawa to be confirmed gay even if it's unrequitedly for Dazai. But I'd say it's still more likely than‚ say‚ making– #s/kk or sskk gay.

[cruelsister-moved2]

like we are on our nine billionth positivity post for cis men with beards and masculine trans men and feminine lesbians and bi people in m/f relationships and nb people who are comfortable passing as their agab etc.... do we need more? is straight people not being able to tell you're gay/trans really the biggest issue facing lgbt people right now?

there seems to be this undiminishable reservoir of care and sympathy for the very idea of having ur queerness slighted in any context. meanwhile people who never get the choice whether or not to hide it are routinely dehumanised, othered, and ignored. if the issues facing these groups do get discussed it's almost never with much concern for their feelings. invalidation and erasure may be one of the issues facing lgbt people and it deserves attention too but I really don't think you can claim at this point that it isn't getting its fair share already.

for what it's worth, even your hypothetical most flaming butch lesbian/fem gay man/androgynous nb person etc still meets people who assume they're cishet, who even actively refuse to acknowledge that they're not. the false equivalence between erasure and overt prejudice alleged exclusively by those who largely experience only the former is in fact erasing the reality of people who experience both

#I'm always thinking abt that one buzfeed article called like queer women share their struggles or smth #one was a butch lesbian talking abt how carefully she has to plan journeys #bc late night toilet stops or seedy motels are life and death for her #then there was a bi woman w a husband n kids #talking abt how one time she had to take her pride flag off her lawn (picket fence implied lol) #like... ofc that's sad I feel sad for her #but the lack of proportion is kind of on the nose lol #I don't have the right words but like something very fetishistic abt the gaze of other lgbt ppl towards 'visibly' lgbt people #and I use those terms loosely bc ppl r visible and invisible in different contexts #but if you've reached the stage of fantasising abt hypothetical microaggressions or straight up hate crimes that could happen to u #then u have gone too far #I just think a lot of the time it's more abt the fact that YOU don't feel 'valid' enough in yourself #ao you convince yourself other lgbt people existing or talking abt our issues is the problem #like if ur a bi girl n having a cishet bf makes u feel so lonely and insecure and 'not gay enough' at what point is that ur responsibility #to either accept urself or to be in relationships that make u feel better about urself #and not my responsibility to say ur having gay sex with jakey or wjayever

[sir-purple04]

Bruneph

Bruno Madrigal × Mephistopheles

#bruno madrigal #mephistopheles #encanto #welcome to hell #crackship #gay #gay men #bisexual #i love them #my boys #my men #my mental health #my life #what am i doing with my life #life's too short to not ship sad lonely men tbh #i'm sorry #Nevermind #i'm not sorry #sorry not sorry #sorry not even remotely sorry

[lonely-planet-without-my-star]

I find it so weird that you could fall in love with anyone

People you walk past on the street

People sat near you on the train

If you were to spend enough time with them, had the chance to get to know them, were there at the right time and right place to meet them

You could love anyone, if only you got the chance

#thoughts #love is weird #Im not sure I believe in true love #or soulmates #but I certainly believe there are people that are right for you #but yeah #love #lgbtqia #lgbt+ #lgbt #lonely gay #lgbtq #gay #wlw #lesbian #sorry for being depressing #i'm sad #sad #sad shit #sad stuff #shower thoughts #thinking #poem #sad poetry #poetry

[mountain-lion-gremlin]

WAHHHHH I MISS YOUUUU

i wish you didn't have to hide me from your parents

i wish you could text and call me as much as you want to

i wish that I didn't feel like you have to swipe away the notification and pretend it doesn't exist

I wish I could just do and be more than just a single message

I love you

I miss you :{

#I'm gay guys #and sad #and feeling lonely #I miss you so much.

[kennyomegasweave]

if you think you're being queerbaited so bad then why don't you stop watching 911?

lol because I'm old as hell and if I quit every mainstream western show when I knew I was being queerbaited, I would have no mainstream shows to watch, lol. Like I watched all six seasons of Nip/Tuck as they aired and I watched Glee, both Ryan Murphy shows, might I add. I remember when Ryan Murphy himself said Brittany and Santana were just a throwaway joke until he realized that show was being watched by kids, something he's not used too, and that they actually needed to see lesbian teenagers and decided to actually make them a thing. Just because I know something is queerbait, especially in a Ryan Murphy show, and sometimes get upset over that, doesn't mean I'll stop watching. It just means sometimes I get drunk on the internet and get in my feelings.

As for stopping watching 911, I have vested interests in continuing to watch. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Angela Bassett are both two of my Roots. And Peter Krause killed it as Nate Fisher, so I'll also watch him do most things. But this is tumblr dot com, so I only focus on buddie. Which, I'm sorry to say, I don't think is ever going to be anything canon. Like when I first found this show, I really thought it was gonna be a real thing, then I found out it was a Ryan Murphy show and gave up hope. But after fully watching, I started to genuinely believe it maybe was going there (the shooting mainly, though the tsunami with Eddie flat out telling Buck he knows Buck loves Christopher, Eddie's CHILD, as much as Eddie does made me start clowning) but I don't believe that anymore and it's kinda obvious in the show.

If I said the dreaded queerbait words on any of your posts and you don't like that, feel free to block me. That's not even like shady or petty or whatever. I don't want to make a creator uncomfortable with my tags, which I will always make. But if not, I mean, well I guess you can block me too? lol. It's not a big thing. It's the internet baby. I block everyone and anyone for the most minor things because we should all curate our own tumblr experiences, lol.

#911 #asks #buddie #I'm drunk and this probably doesn't make sense so oops but like #I think buddie is queerbait #I don't think buddie is ever going to be an acknowledged canon thing of Eddie and Buck having feelings for each other #but I still like witnessing it #even when I'm drunk and very sad it's not gay #because I don't actually understand why it's not #like okay I do #it's because it's a COP SHOW on FOX like they're not doing surprise gays #lone star could do it because it wasn't a surprise it was a thing from damn near the start #but buddie? when they've both had girlfriends and ex wives and kids and shit? #please be logical about this #and not like gen z logical which y'all are right and I understand and love you #but this is a cop show on fox #athena is a whole ass black woman cop on fox y'all #there's a reason for that #buddie is not gonna happen #we can look for clues but as I always say #please give me an example of a ~slowburn~ 4+ years in the making #especially when neither of the pairing have even had CANON queer experiences #that doesn't mean I don't love them #christopher has two dads #but like it's not gonna happen and sometimes I get V V Upset over that #but it is what it is lol #regular clyde

[saucerfulofsins]

How the fuck does my brother keep finding girls who are like super into him and they're gorgeous and lovely and etc. And meanwhile I'm here single forever and whenever I ask someone out it's "I'm not into you like that" and whenever I'm not asking someone out they're still eager to point out they're talking about someone attractive, definitely not me

#I don't think anyone's ever had a crush on me tbh #It's a 10/10 feeling #By which I mean a 10 out of 10 fuck my life it sucks and so do I #Literally what's wrong with me? #Like I know I'm ugly and annoying and unsuccessful and poor! #But plenty of ppl like that still find partners #I just find an absolute and complete lack of interest in me and ppls consistent assumption I have zero interest in ever dating #Like im this sexless romanceless being #And that'd be fine if I was #But I'm not #And it sucks #Like at dinner ppl mention gay guys they met and they're around my age but ofc they're like (housemate who is 56) you could date him #THANKS #I know no one would date me ❤️❤️❤️ #I don't need further confirmation ❤️❤️❤️ #I'm literally the forever alone meme personified in a non incel way (however incel this might sound) #(I don't think anyone owes me anything I'm still friends with 1 person I asked out which is fine) #(but it still sucks from here to the moon and beyond and I'm sad and tired and lonely and idk what to do to fix myself) #OK rant done im gonna cry in the shower and then im gonna cry in bed

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #gonna talk about Dodie's music and why I like the lyrics and themes #she sings about being queer in a very vague way besides “Rainbow”. It feels very much more about relationship type rather than sexuality #“In the Middle” “I Kissed Someone (It Wasn't You)”. songs about wanting a different kind of relationship. feeling out of place because of i #dreams about people being okay with you wanting a different kind of romance or sex experience. #it's not “oh no ooouuu I'm gay” but a more subtle relationship style misfit. the closeted bi vibes. the poly forced to be monogamous vibes. #a kind of queer that gets overlooked because so many people assume that gay/lesbian people are still monogamous romantic who want to marry #“okay you can be gay but only as long as you aren't anything else queer.” you still have to find “the one” and settle down and get married #and if you want anything else then we demonize you again. we decide that this one thing is okay but everything else is still social devianc #idk. the sad loneliness vibes she catches are really good because it's not just lonely. it's being invisible while still being seen #there's people around you but you're still shut out. you're in a relationship but you still don't feel loved. #you're visible and yet they still never see you. #and I forgot to mention! the traffic idea of cheating. like. being pulled away from a relationship because it isn't for you #and knowing that you what you're doing isn't great but being unable to sit still in a bad situation. #we do not always escape situations well. or without causing harm to others. but we hurt others in our attempt to protect ourselves #especially clear in “I Kissed Someone”. like. when you're not happy with a situation but you opt for small hurt instead of catastrophic hurt #the fear of breaking up a relationship so you seek small escapes instead of destroying the prison you've built around yourself

[terpia]

I check Katherine Addison's twitter every now and then to see if there are any news about the Witness of the Dead 3. No news yet, but I did find out that a new Kyle Booth novella (main character from The Bone Key novel she published as Sarah Monette) has just been published, which is pretty amazing news to start what I have reason to believe will be a pretty shitty day.

#one thing to keep me going through the work day #personal #i haven't re-read it yet (although i almost certainly will) but i remember really enjoying the bone key! #kyle does bear similarities to celehar in terms of being very sad and lonely/gay/giving a wet cat vibe #although from what i remember the overall feel of the bone key was sadder and (due to dealing with the supernatural) more horror-esque #each chapter was it's own stand-alone short story which did also mean that even when kyle managed to connect with someone #since we wouldn't see them again in the next story #there wasn't that sense of found family and kyle felt more isolated from the world as a character than celehar #anyway i'm excited to jump into the new novella!

[outoftimewriting]

"the gays are rising" is such a lie

i, in behalf of the gays that are steadily shoveling their way into satan's lap in hell, can affirm none of us are rising

#im gay and lonely #im gay and tired #im gay and mentally ill #im gay and stupid #im gay and sad #im just gay #gay #evil little queer brain #I'm so fuzzy though #haven't slept properly in ageeesssssss #lil nas x sat on satan's lap #I'm gonna do daddy lil proid #montero #going to

[mashmouths]

really not seeing a downside to tipsy cooking, it just makes the time pass faster and the food taste better <3 peace and love <3

#turns out a soju country time seltzer is really good <3 And she'll fuck you up without you noticing bc she's an ally <3 #my roommate moved home today and i'm Sad and Lonely and i'm going to miss her so fucking much bc she'll be in Long Island for 2 #and a half months this summer :( we talked about getting matching tattoos :( guys i love her so so much and i feel like i talk a lot of shit #about her but she's been one of my best best friends since like 7th grade and i was maybe in love with her for like 4ish years and she means #the world and more to me and i'm so happy to be living with her again next year and i'm going to miss her so much. think i already said that #it's still true <3 wow miss drink is really pulling her weight huh sorry about all that <3 #i'm literally seeing her again in 2 days to give her the earrings i'm making her why am i getting emo #anywho have if you've read all this have a wonderful day <3 #a post #i'm making her little lizard earrings to match my crab and dino earrings <3 good lird i sound gay

[your-neighborhood-jestie]

Omg I love maneskin! I almost got to see them live in Boston but I couldn’t :/. Anyway, what did you think of their most recent album?

HELLO. THANK YOU FOR ASKING I'm losing my mind that i keep getting into bands right after they tour. literally sobbing i would kill to get to see them live. Anywho. There's literally not a single song off of RUSH! that i dislike. Personal favs are currently Timezone, Read Your Diary and probably Own My Mind, but again literally love all of them.. also a big fan of For Your Love (gay people smh) I listened to more of their older stuff like back in fall (I Wanna Be Your Slave was my introduction to the band, if we arent counting Beggin' ((fun fact i had no idea that song was theirs before this)) or The Loneliest), but it was more of a hm this is a neat band so really didn't listen enough and i need to go back through now, SO far i've just had Rush! on loop for like a week and a half. i've seen people talking about the constant placement of guitar riffs at the end of songs and like yea totally agree with that. I, as someone who for the love of fuck cannot play guitar, decided to pick up bass just to learn the album and like??? hello?? I love that you can like hear the bass in each song, like i feel like theres a lot of music where bass is just so underrated. gotta say that Bla Bla Bla, Baby Said and Kool Kids weren't my favorite at first but they've grown on me 100% and i love like the style of Bla Bla Bla specifically. Was something different. As well, i don't speak Italian so i mostly just skipped anything that was in that, but the general beat of La Fine is a bop, love that for them. n my opinion a lot of their music like. idk how to phrase it but sound like something released during the 2020s almost? It sounds older than that. I may just have had too much exposure to whatever pop/rock is on the radio recently though. Still love it I shoulda known when the obsession with supermodel hit after that was released lmao. i'm just living for the vocals like i cannot express how much gender these people have. The chokehold.

#this is adhd at its finest. I have refrained from like. learning about the actual people yet cause i don't want a repeat with MCR jhhjdsf #however i feel it coming #I just like. I dont know what else to say i just need to inject this music into someone elses brain with whatever emotions i feel because #of it and then they'll understand. #literally i'm just gay sad and lonely and i feel like that sums it up so. screaming #I'm so sorry for the literal wall that was but. #I promise there will probably be more if i think of something so ... <3 #also apologies for like literally every grammar and possible spelling error

[martsonmars]

I'm Pining a little bit and I need someone to stop me from turning it into a fic

#i actually wrote a post about the fic i'd write but i'm afraid the person i'm talking about would find it 😂 #even though i know she doesn't have tumblr #anyway i haven't seen her in 10 days because she's visiting her BOYFRIEND (terrible i know) and i'm gay and sad #and also lonely! super lonely #i actually miss her more as a friend than anything else #the pining is just a complication 🤣

[tyrannuspitch]

sometimes it really does feel like i'm undergoing some kind of second-hand queerplatonic experience simply by trying to engage with fandom while centring and prioritising a platonic relationship. i mean, no-one's actually being hostile to me or anything, but there is honestly a kind of pervasive feeling that i just Don't Fit. in my fandom, there are communities for romantic relationships, and there are communities for individual characters, but how do i find *my* people? if there ever was a way, it's long since died out, but honestly i suspect there wasn't. i think we've always been scattered. most ppl who engage are just dabbling, or vastly prefer one character over the other. this relationship is at least peripheral to the entire fandom's experience but ppl for whom it's actually the centre are. somehow. few and far between

#but idk this is actually a gen-heavy fandom (relatively speaking 😒) so maybe i'm making it up #and what i'm actually experiencing is just a super advanced stage of my conviction that no-one gets thor like i do lmao #anyway this is not me complaining abt the few ppl i DO know in this fandom. you're all cool!! #it's just me bashing my head against a wall bc sometimes it seems like the only ppl who love both my favourite characters equally #are inc*st shippers #and shipping them is in my humble opinion just one more way to spectacularly miss the point #sigh. idk. i am trying to be more zen and ignore them without trying to bite anyone #but it also does just make me sad sometimes bc like #okay i know this is going to sound presumptuous and pretentious and so on blah blah blah #but like. i do think that amatonormativity is a huge force behind that phenomenon #which also means i think a lot of them are just ppl who like both characters and are doing it in a 'well why not' kind of way #because they don't feel like adjusting or interrogating their framework for fictional relationships they care about #and they DO feel like being a little bit edgy #which. on some level. makes me feel like. at least a few of them could've been My Community. #but they've shut the door on me. #which i know is self-centred #and also uninformed bc i do my best never to see them at all so i genuinely have NO idea what's going on in their heads it could be anythin #but still. eurghhh. it's just rlly fucking lonely okay #microdosing arophobia every day by being a genficcer in a slashfic world. #you can take the man out of the aro community* but you can't take the aro community out of the man!!! #(*turns out i'm gay)

[nanamispookie]

There's a pit in my stomach

It makes itself known when I'm lonely

It grows like a creeper towards my heart,

My lungs, my throat

It squeezes, squeezes and squeezes

It doesn't ever stop squeezing.

#I'm anxious and hungry but ofc we gotta romanticize #somebody hug me till i stop shaking or not wtv #im sad and lonely #but im also gay so this is homophobic #i need a hug #like so bad #incoherent screaming

[logiebear-1]

I wish my boyfriend loved me as much as he loves porn lol

#gay #gay boy #gayboy #sad gay shit #sad boii #i'm sad #lonley #lonely gay #twink #slim twink #gay twink