#i'm so sick of being SICK all the time

[thebestpersonherelovesbucky]

Just venting

I’m not doing so well. I sort of feel like I’ve suddenly plunged back into an emotional downward spiral. I haven’t felt like this in months. but I think I know what’s really behind it.

My obgyn (she’s not the culprit lol) put me on the pill. Every time I’ve tried using it in the past, it’s sent my emotions into chaotic turmoil. This particular one, my doc said, isn’t known to having much of an effect on moods and also won’t interfere with my current med-cocktail. The reason I’m taking it in the first place is because I won’t stop bleeding, even after having surgery to fix the problem. 

After about three weeks of not bleeding (after continuously bleeding for at least three weeks, and HEAVY) I started bleeding a week and a half ago in a relatively normal way (other than it continuing for more than a week). Made me think it was the first sorta typical period I’ve had in over a year. Then Sunday, it was like the elevator scene in The Shining. This past week alone, I’ve gone through two boxes of overnight pads. Cramps are horrendous. Not to mention how tired and weak and unfocused and achy (more achy than usual) I feel all the time. 

This actually started in early 2021 (and, yes, I did speak to my old doctor then and we thought we fixed it but...)

And now I’m so depressed and down and gloomy. On the verge of tears all the time. Unable to concentrate. Bleeding and bleeding and bleeding, worrying that I might start leaking while out in public (which has happened) or stain the carpet, couch, bed.

And then I made the mistake of looking at reviews of my books, and even though there’re plenty of good things said about them, there’s those that aren’t and we all know how the negative sticks a lot more than the positives. 

I’m trying extremely hard to not only remember that I can’t please everyone but also how this could be a way to improve. While commentary such as “total waste of money” and “I wanted to throw it across the room I hated it so much” and “it feels like fourteen-year-old girls wrote this” (which is pretty offensive, actually) don’t help in the slightest, other critiques might. Things like “this was repeated so often that it was annoying” or “there’s too much telling and not enough showing” can be very helpful. Like, oh, okay, I can see why you didn’t like it because of that, I’ll keep that in the back of my mind and hopefully do better next time. 

On top of that, I’ve been having so much trouble actually writing and seeing that certainly didn’t help because now I feel like I shouldn’t even bother when rationally I know that’s stupid and it doesn’t matter if some people don’t like it and i think a lot of this reaction comes from the change in my moods bc i’m on the pill and it’s not even working.

It’s not even working.

Which means the next step might be a hysterectomy, and even though there’s barely even the slightest chance that we might have another baby, I still want to so badly. So badly that it hurts. I often dream about having another child. My dreams are usually all sorts of crazy, these dreams are perfectly normal. Like freaking WandaVision without the magic. Just a little world of my own while I sleep and when I wake all I want to do is cry. For ten years people kept saying “Oh, you have plenty of time, don’t worry!” when I’d talk about this (only with my husband, sisters, mom, and therapist) and here I am. Out of time. 

And I know this all sounds incredibly selfish. I have two beautiful children and I feel so blessed that I do and they mean the world to me. It’s just that three was the number always in my head. The day after my youngest was born I was already talking about planning for another. Now there’s this ache burrowed deep in my chest that just won’t go away. 

Anyway. I’m just venting to the void. 

#my stuff #personal #negative #stfubucks #no one cares #god i'm just so sad #and i miss writing so badly #it's like there's a part of me missing #i'm so sick of being SICK all the time #ugh idek #just ignore me #menstruation #blood mention #long post

[linkeduniverse]

July art

#linkeduniverse #creator content #artworks #Comic update soon #Wild hums #Or he could borrow one of the many ocarinas legend owns #Legend has so many instruments but I picked a small one that wasn’t an ocarina #spent all of July very very sick #I'm finally starting to feel like myself again #Being sick sucks! #So much precious time lost #And I missed a whole month of beautiful warm sunshine! #Sunshine is so rare here

[brucewaynehomeforangrychildren]

post-patrol sugar rush

#cassandra cain #damian wayne #I know he's big on last names a lot of the time but idk I feel like the vibe was 'jason' for this one #cass is just vibin letting the boy get his rage out #damian is sick and tired of being the only serious vigilante in gotham #cmon dad learn how to wrangle your kids -damian #I'm so tired so the hashtags may reflect that state of mind #batman #robin #batgirl #orphan #comics #dc comics #art #my art #I love this cass ngl #damian's face took me so fucking long idk if I like it but idc at this point #hope you all enjoy :-)

[fadedrainbowbookshelves]

Have to lift that last person!

#welcome home #welcome home fanart #frank frankly #eddie dear #eddie x frank #frank x eddie #Not pictured: Probably Eddie having a mental breakdown trying to lift Home #I heard that flustered little 'oh my' in the recording Frank you're not slick #Wally just being like 'oh i'm up here now' had me rolling you unnerving little doofus I love you #Y'all about to get SICK of me! I've so many thoughts and I shall draw them all! (when I have time. work hours are now very long for me!) #The website update was so good you're going to hear me say that 16000 more times at least

[foxaoxarts]

BEE KISS TOMORR- *dead* /j

If anyone wants to watch me drawing this like a little victorian child then the timelapse is below the cut 🤣

(FLICKER WARNING. It's all through out so be careful!👍 )

#RWBY #Bumbleby #Blake Belladonna #Yang Xiao Long #Foxarts #YOUR HONOR I HATE THEM (that's a lie actually) #I'VE BEEN STARING AT THIS FOR 3(?) DAYS NOW AND I'M SICK #Technically this doesn't contain spoilers but let me know if I should add the tag! #In reality I think cloud scene will happen episode 7-ish BUT being delusional is what being a bee fan is all about- #This is the first time I've actually tried drawing a kiss sooooo hope it turned out ok xDD #I am the one who looks away when anyone kisses for more than 2 seconds so. #Kisses aren't very photogenic that's all I'll say (I had 3 tutorials open and 5 references pulled up) #This was so messy- I forewent line art because I hate it and I thought it wouldn't be bad to just clean up the sketch. I was kind of right. #Watching back the recording is funny because I've always known I'm disorganized but just watching it play out is hilarious. #Enjoy my little notes and doodles 😌😌 #They're so soft I want to scream. #I SURE HOPE I DIDN'T FORGET ANYTHING 😭 #Risking my livelihood for these stupids since 2020 *strikes pose* #Anyways that's enough of my rambling. #HAVE A NICE DAY Y'ALL!!

[trek-tracks]

This is Sulu's endgame

#star trek #star trek tos #hikaru sulu #sulu #the man trap #the naked time #designboom #i'm so sorry for all this random posting while i'm sick #you get to reap the benefits of this being all i can do

[leeblissy]

hi I'm home sick with covid, am probably not getting paid for my time off, and have had to order quite a bit of food cuz I don't feel well enough to make anything o/-< it's getting very expensive very fast and I don't have much money left, plus the money im losing out on from not working is gonna fucking suck.

I can't draw anything rn cuz my apple pencil doesn't work and I'm just so so exhausted anyway but here's my kofi and my v*nmo is herecomeslee if you wanna help a guy out

#covid #kofi #this is such a miserable experience I already hate being sick and I've had covid once in like 2021/22 but this is so much worse dawg #I'm in sensory hell right now like I was so overwhelmed by how full of snot I was that I cried several times including a full on sob sesh #I can't do fuck all either cuz I'm so exhausted but can't get any fucking sleep cuz I can barely breathe (too much snot not a lung issue) #I want this shit to be OVER AUGH #lee says shit

[suburbanlegnd]

the sexual tension between me and relapse

#venting in the tags so be careful #being bipolar and bpd at the same time feels like the worst nightmare #the slightest inconvenience will send me into a fucking spiral #people have always been telling me either to “cheer up” or “go to a mental hospital because I'm fucked in the head” #i perfectly know I'm incapable and unworthy of love #I'm starting to doubt if I'm able to love the right way at all #but I'm so sick of toxic positivity #not everything's going to be alright #sometimes bad things happen #and not everyone is supposed to be cheerful and grateful all the fucking time #it's just so tiring and exhausting #they really dont realize how much toxic positivity is damaging and so naive #tw depressing thoughts #idk how to tag this lol #rambles #actually bpd #bpd vent

[chipistrate]

People really need to give Steel Wool a break sometimes, man- They messed up with Security Breach and now people act like EVERYTHING wrong with modern fnaf is all exclusively their fault when it's really not.

#Chip Chatter #especially when the issue literally WASN'T ATTACHED TO THEM AT ALL!!! #People really just say shit I stg #there's probably one person who'll think this is about one particular post #this post is a culmination of things #the twitter bs going on right now about modern lore and some people pinning all the blame on steel wool even though they don't write the #lore. A conversation I had yesterday with some people where one person kept blaming and shitting on SWS for the smallest of things #The fact that any time I try to talk about a small issue with modern fnaf in any fucking way I'll have people tell me shit like #“it's steel wool what were you expecting” regardless of if the problem was even their fault #and just generally people giving Steel Wool so much shit and most of the time it being over fucking nothing #Like I GET that Steel Wool fumbled with Security Breach oh my fucking god that was almost 2 years ago can we MOVE ON!!!! #They're improving!!! They fumbled one game and a lot of the factors involved weren't their fault anyways!!! Can we give them a fucking #break and just move on with the rest of the series already!!! I'm so sick of hearing people complain about SB when it's been almost 2 years #and Steel Wool is showing nothing but signs of improvement #Cough uhm anyways #of course you can criticize Steel Wool and I'm not saying they've never done anything wrong ever #just don't needlessly shit on them especially if the problem was out of their hands. #Rant over I'm going to bed

[dollypopup]

y'all can all cancel me (again) for this, but if there's even a SHRED of 'who should I pick?' from Penelope in season 3, I am tuning out SO fast because like. . .sorry not sorry, there IS no choice. Debling is some crusty OC suitor she barely even knows and Colin is a man who she has been so supposedly in love with to the point where she'd ruin her entire family's reputation to have a potential love story with him. Penelope and Colin have background, years of knowing each other, intimacy that few people in the Ton can boast of having (letters, conversations about purpose, fights and arguments and makeups) and her and Debling have. . .a dance or two at a ball because he's a rebound for Penelope's broken heart. he means nothing. he has no nuance, he has no weight to the story, he is such an afterthought to me. either I wanna see Penelope going 'you know what? I don't even LIKE this dude. he's. . .fine, but I don't care about him even a shred as much as I care about Colin' or the INSTANT Colin's like 'you know what? we should get married' if it's not an immediate 'say less, you're already my husband, try returning me without the receipt, Debling whomst?' then I don't want it!

like. . .it's just so frustrating to see all the 'I hope Debling sweeps her off her feet and she rejects Colin's proposal and she makes him work for it and and and-' nonsense from the fandom and it's always tagged and no matter how many times I block it, it just keeps popping up. I go into the Polin tag for POLIN. I don't give a SHIT about a male love interest other than Colin. Not one. Not a shred. Not an iota.

and also. . .Debling has the 'benefit' of not having depth, or character traits, or HISTORY, so peeps can project onto him however they want, but I'm calling it now, there is NOTHING he could do or be that would make me like him more than Colin. Colin will always hit different, and I will always love him more. and if Pen's not on that same page? lol bye

you want me to believe Penelope and Colin are soulmates and it's romance for her to hem and haw about how difficult a decision it is for her to marry a stranger who knows barely anything about her. . .

when Marina was out here dropping banger lines like 'You were the only man with which I could see myself being happy' and 'I do not care about any of these men, where is Colin?'? like hello??? and she wasn't even fully in love with him!!!! but we'll demonize her until the cows come home in our fandom and make her the villain in Polin's love story for DARING to get in between Polin, yet Debling, a white man, is a darling dear perfect prince for getting in between Polin? existing in our fandom solely so Penelope can be like 'lol, Colin ain't shit, let me entertain any and everyone else'?

if that's the direction it goes then, ten toes down and on my mama, she doesn't deserve Colin and she can move because I'm on my way to court him my damn self

and that's that on that

#you know what? lol it's been a bit since i've posted a controversial opinion #tagging it #polin #sorry not sorry i ship polin. . .so i wanna see. . .polin. . .and i'm getting damn sick and tired #of all the bullshit pen/oc pen/other dude theories and stories in the polin tag #and i don't want polin to lose screentime over a frankly bleh male oc #you can't change my mind #if i don't see at least marina's 'you've seen him with the little bridgertons!' level of squee and 'i only want to talk to colin' #levels of devotion then i don't fucking WANT IT!!!!! #yeah definitely try out the marriage market #realize that NO ONE has a good time on the marriage market #try to get over him w/ whomstever #but then be like 'i don't even LIKE this dude where's colin i miss him' about it!!!!! #because otherwise i am not here #i am asleep #and i am courting colin in your place pen #i'm coming for your man #anti debling #if debling has 100 haters i am one of them if he has 10 haters i'm one of them if he has 1 hater i am the hater if he has 0 haters i'm dead #it's incredibly obvious that 'pebling' is half rooted in a revenge storyline fueled by anger at Colin and his complexity #and half a projection of wanting Penelope to have 'choices' because she is a representation and manifestation of the fans themselves #and so people think an OC that can be 'perfect' for them- whoops I mean Pen (because he doesn't have any real depth or interest) #he's a cardboard cutout we can throw whatever you want onto #so we can make him 'perfect' instead of the much more meaningful storyline of pen and colin both being messy and loving each other more #and part of it is bitterness over Polin not being insta-love #which. . .if it was i wouldn't like them as much as i do #anyways y'all ain't slick #and it's fucking WEIRD to be in a fandom that's like 'i ship this couple but i hope she gets with ANYONE else' #maybe you. . .don't ship the couple?? #like. . .to the point of wanting her necklace to be from debling. . .and her wearing it everywhere??? WHAT??

[sky-squido]

i, like every other fic author in existence, love getting comments from people who enjoyed my work. i don't care if your comment is "late" (that's so weird to me like it's literature—do you apologize to homer for being late to reading the odyssey?) or "unintelligible" (late night commenters, english language learners, people who feel like they "just aren't that good with words", believe me, i entirely understand what you mean and appreciate it immensely), or anything else that you feel might make your comment 'not good enough'. i love all of the comments i receive and i am eternally grateful to all of you for your continued support.

and yeah, i've read fics where i felt like adding a comment would be doing the fic a disservice because there was nothing that could be said that wouldn't cheapen or patronize the magnum opus i'd just witnessed. in instances like this, that is exactly what i say in the comment: "there's nothing i can say that doesn't do this work of art a disservice. thank you for writing this."

actually, now that i think about it, there are a bunch of ao3 comments i've gotten that i still haven't replied to because i felt any thanks i could give would be inadequate. i should really get around to replying because i want them to know how spellbound they left me. i love you all, have i ever mentioned that?

all of that being said, i would like to make a public service announcement!

at least under default settings, ao3 authors do get notified every time you edit a comment. i've accidentally hit send too early before, or realized i forgot something i wanted to say, i get it, i really do. i have edited many comments in my day.

but you don't have to do this. really, it's okay. most of the time i honestly can't tell what the difference is. i'm not going to think worse of you for having typos in your comments because i guarantee that there were more in the fic you just read sfkljghsl

also these edits were over the course of twenty full minutes. i got another email while writing this post and had to update the image. please do not spend 20 minutes agonizing over your comment and changing the capitalization and adding a few words. it's okay, i promise. i love your comment, and i'm very very grateful for it, regardless of how "polished" it is. i'm not your english teacher in disguise.

tl;dr, i love you all and i hope you don't feel anxiety or a compulsion towards perfectionism in my ao3 comments section. i won't judge you, i promise <3

#squido's op #squido rambles #i hope i don't sound annoyed because i don't want to sound annoyed #but also that was a lot of emails #if they were different comments that would be sick i love that #but on several occasions i've had edit spam #and i don't really understand the logic behind it #i figured that people just don't know that we get notified every time you edit a comment #so that's all i wanted to say really but i got sidetracked with appreciation because i think someone plugged some of my works somewhere #because i've been seeing a big uptick in comments lately and it's really really sweet #i haven't written for this fandom (or at all really) in a long time now so i'm always really really happy to see my works are still #out there and being read and loved and affecting people. i do still plan to finish hfwkadwm i promise #i guess i have writer's block >:/ never had it quite like this before #BUT I SAID I WAS GONNA FINISH IT AND I AM #MARK MY WORDS I'LL FINISH THIS FIC OR DIE TRYING #eventually

[pisshandkerchief]

GO TO HD I AM MY OWN MUSE LIVE DEBUT WORLD WITH ME. RIGHT NOW.

#LOOOK AT THISSSSS ARE Y'ALL SEEING THIS SHIT???? #IT'S TOO HIGH QUALITY I'M BEING BLINDED #I'm just drinking all of this in. patrick.... #not to sound completely deranged but he looks so beautiful when he's singing the soft low notes at the beginning #he's so pretty. FUCK #I barely caught it but I really love the little gesture he does with his right hand on the “twist the knife again” line #like he's literally twisting a knife. it happens quick but I saw it and I think it's sick as fuck #also this is the first time I've really got a good look at the back of pete's hoodie and it's got GLITTER DECALS ON IT #I can't tell what it says but. GLITTERRRR

[me-sploh-rada-imas]

Jan poked Nace in the nipple at the Paris gig 🤭🤭🤭🤭

truly unforgivable! explains everything...

#joker out #nace jordan #jan peteh #jance #cuteeee #anyway i'm not serious about them being divorced lmaooo i'm just happy that oslo was so much fun #i had been thinking about going to paris instead but i'm v glad i picked oslo #not just for that lmao but oslo was so good and they all weren't sick and had a good time #paris seemed less fun from what i saw on the livestream anyway but obviously i wasn't there so 🤷

[suncaptor]

nothing will make you sympathise with conspiracy theorist ideology more than having a seemingly rare reaction to a vaccine lmao.

#reading articles that try to falsify genuine incorrect information about the covid vaccines from 2021 is making me feel insane #'there's no way the covid vaccine can trigger an autoimmune disorder' uhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHH #factually extremely wrong! #they're soooo condescening too like why on EARTH do you think people who are genuinely sick or scared would believe you. #they'll be like there's no scientific evidence that anyone can be harmed by the covid vaccine <3 blatantly untrue. #I know that part of this is retrospect like obviously since more studies have come out and all #but it's infurirating bc they're from the time *I* was having those symptoms *and* telling doctors about it *and* being told the connection #to my other severe symptoms from the covid vaccine were Utterly Impossible (since proven false) and that if the symptoms WERE related #it meant i had a life threatening illness at worst and had a high chance of losing my vision at best #likeeeeeeeee #doctors still DO NOT know what the fuck they're doing do NOT trust anyone who gives ANY 100% answers #i don't know why i'm doing this i just said to stop obsessing but i'm just reading pages and articles on countering misinformation to make #sure i don't -- i want to know the conspiracy theories to recognise them immediately right #and then people are just saying bullshit to defend themselves #i mean most of the anti covid vacc people were also far right so i don't have too much sympathy for their vaccine ideology #but like. fucking hell what a way to push people into conspiracies. #you CAN'T counter misinformation by SPREADING MORE MISINFORMATION #just because it SOUNDS BETTER and MORE REASSURING to say there's not chance of harm doesn't mean you should #there's A LOW chance of harm THAT IS MUCH MUCH less high than the impacts of covid #god I'm pissed off. 2021 i was so fucking terrified of spreading this shit just by talking about my lived experiences. #to say i was not taking the pandemic seriously OR anti vax is so blatantly ridiculous considering who I am as a person but that doesn't mea #that the covid vaccine specifically didn't make me ill :////// #delete

[doberbutts]

Friend: yeah idk if you can eat/like Indian food but this particular dish is really yummy

Me: I mean I don't eat Indian often but I think you're forgetting the time that [Indian trans woman friend] was staying at my place? I wasn't charging her rent so she just cooked for us every day while we were either asleep or at work whether we wanted her to or not

Friend: OH YEAH THAT'S RIGHT

#I miss her honestly she was great #she moved out and in with her new gf and I've since lost contact #I saw her from time to time after and hung out but #the pandemic was really rough on us all #she couldn't afford to get sick and then I had to move so I could buy my house #she kept apologizing for being a burden and I was like #girl I'm not kicking you out #stay as long as you need #if I can guarantee one thing in life it's that my friends have a roof over their head #and if that roof has to be mine then it will be #plus food in their stomaches and a warm place to sleep #I don't have much but no one goes without if I can help it

[concert-bflat]

Thinks about how. Gloreth only starts looking at Nimona differently/strangely when her parents call her a "monster". Just throws that label with such a negative connotation on her. Gloreth fucking fights for Nimona immediately in the beginning saying that she's her friend and never once looks at her with ridicule until her mom just holds her by the shoulders and tells her she's a monster, straight in the eye, straight in the face. And just the word is enough to cause the change.

Nimona's getting fucking attacked and prodded and Gloreth doesn't even feel sorry for her just because she's now re-contextualizing everything around her but with that word. I'm so sick. She looks not in hesitance but at disbelief before she runs away. She sees Nimona trying to defend herself from literal Danger in any way she can (she's just a kid and she's fighting with people who won't listen, never will, people that she can't get through) but just sees that as more proof of her being violent, monstrous. She sees her friend all alone, with the odds and the world stacked against her despite them being. so similar but just tells her to go back to the shadows.

And like. Of course she believes those words calling Nimona a monster and takes them to heart. Her parents, the ones she would probably trust most are the ones that told her that. And she's young, she doesn't know much about the world or much better. And of course, her parents and the whole village don't know any better. They didn't see what she saw. They don't know or feel the need to know much more than the definition of the word "monster". But it hurts. God it hurts. It's wrong. It's not fair. It's really not fair.

And it causes this whole legend that will stay with Nimona to ridicule her for generations and generations and birth this system that she's trapped by and causes everyone to be so brainwashed. The one that makes people scared and build walls. That births unecessary distrust.

God. Even in the scroll illustrating Nimona and Gloreth, Nimona is portrayed as such a bigger and scarier threat than she ever could be or would be, until Nimona internalized and gave into those images and despair of course. It's not fucking fair.

Thinking about how when the villagers saw Nimona as a "normal" person they were happy for her just living her life and playing with her friend, she was just another kid being happy like she and every ("normal", apparently) person deserves to be, and they were allowing her to be happy then when they find out what she really is they hate her. They call her a monster and drive her out immediately. They don't look into the details that contradict the stigma, they just feel betrayal when they weren't even the ones who were betrayed (Nimona couldn't fucking help being who or what she was. And she was her own person. She was still. A someone. Why do things have to be different now?). I'm so sickkk.

Thinks about how Nimona feels so hopeless as to just. Accept and yield to that label. That label that was passed down to Gloreth. To the whole world. Such simple but awful words. Aughhhhhhhhhhh

Another post I saw talks about how this is a movie about how hate is taught. And oh my god it is. Hate it taught. It's done so simply yet so, painfully effectively. So devastatingly. And that hate teaches people to hate the world back. God I fucking loooove this movie

Also Nimona's such a Creature /pos /affectionate she's so relatable I fucking love her and I'm insane okay that's the post bye

#nimona #nimona movie #nimona gloreth #this is all to jsut say the trans allegory is INSANEEEHAUEORBHAEOH it. touched me. #watched this movie with some irls after never hearing of it befroe in my LIFE and. as a person who had. a very miserable june at home #and is still having kind of a miserable time at home #this movie made me feel. very accepted and loved :) #lmao at one of the emotional points with nimona one of my irls like dragged me in for a hug #because i was laugh-sobbing very loudly because being dramatic is fun LMAO exagerrated reaction y'know #and they said it's because they couldn't tell if i was actually crying or not #and while i don't think i was in that moment #i think i was genuinely crying at some point #not in an obvious way. just slight tears. and not the laughing kind #and it was great. what a great movie <3333 #the fact these themes are also. extremely prevalent in another piece of media im currently hyperfixated on is sooo unfair you can't do that #also unrelated but i love how casually ballister and ambrosius' relationship is portrayed #it's so nice to see it just. be there. and be wonderful #all in all yeah great movie i am now sick for life <3 #also i spent this whoel post misspelling “nimona” as “nimora” i'm :skull: good thing i reread and edit before posting