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yutasbimil · 9 months

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Irony

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (1/~) [series fic] REPOSTING!!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: fluff, comfort cw: love at first sight, slight prejudice, psychology major student x professor? hmmm . . . meet-cute, eventual smut, eventual romance, heavy psychological anguish later on orz (sorry) ; idk what to put kek note: possible series or there might be more continuation onto this context! for now this settles it for me ;) + supposedly expected to be finished last sept. on vyn's bday, but I only got around it now; majority of this set-up is inspired by vyn's ssr card 'a star in the night' + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 2.5k

part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part x

do not repost © yutasbimil (2021)

“I wouldn't like a person with a prestigious background.” The lady is irked by the arrogance of rich; higher-class people. Vyn opposes love at first sight.

Ironically, Yule and Vyn came to realize they're both the type of people they came to ‘despise’; likewise.

They promised to stray away from those qualities, but this very essence is what drove them closer.

In a rush, Rosa approaches Yule at the sight of her. Yule is actually expecting more of a warm greeting from the senior, being an alumna of the campus and all. Yet she’s greeted with a pile of paper shoved by her chest.

“I’m really sorry, Yule!” Rosa almost tumbles as she bows. “I have to make a run to the firm.” By holding the older one with her phone, Yule got the gist that it was urgent.

She didn’t even get the chance to glance at the papers, not till she looked over that what Rosa hands out are survey questionnaires.

Rosa did not even tell her what to do though to get this; what it is for, and is it already up for evaluations? All she does know; it’s still not half done to be enough for input. Seeing one-third of it blank… Yule wants to cry internally.

Rosa didn't even explain to her what to do at all.

Yule signs and she's even just here as an alumnus to get her documents.

She’s currently on her Masteral, and she's also planning to enroll here. As Rosa recommended.

And Marius. sighs

They are at most friends, having the same interest in art. Though, she still gets annoyed as he can be quite a tease and unpredictable when they interact.

Geez, the thought of that guy infuriates me.

Yule diverts her attention back elsewhere, scanning over the papers she has at hand, aware of its content since she had psychological assessment courses.

Too drifted off and immersed in reading details, she grows hesitant.

Rosa is just about done with the evaluations— but, I am not in the place to hand these out as in the first place, I am not even assigned to conduct this…

Yule worries over her lips, upon reading a certain name, she pauses.

‘Dr. Richter? That sounds like the prof. I'll have it in my class.’

She runs her finger on the print. “Vyn…”

She bumps into a man with a lab coat. Startled, she steps back. “Oh, sorry!” She’s almost a jittery mess, bowing and keeping the folder by her chest.

The sight of the lady also took Vyn by surprise.

Though, by her reaction, she doesn't recognize him at all. Or as that is what he presumed.

Yule first noticed his golden eyes, brighter through his glasses. She doesn’t know but some warmth spreads in her chest, urging her that he’s the kind of person to approach for aid. More so as his eyes glint back at her.

“Sorry to bother you more, but do you know Dr. Richter around here?”

The taller male says nothing for a moment, pursing his lips as he sees the glimpse of the familiar papers.

Yule noticed his stares.

“Oh, no worries. I’m planning to give it back.” A bit guilty, she bites her lips as she did check the content. Though she doesn’t want to let go of it yet, she is already intrigued by the study. What am I saying?

Rosa, you better make it up for me.

“That is me, but may I ask where you got those from?” the white-haired man inquired. She lifts the papers by her chest.

“Oh, my friend is in a rush. She just handed these out to me. I really thought she planned to make me answer all of these…” Yule laughs, a bit forced, awkward. But all the more perpetually made things indeed more awkward.

At least for her end.

“Are you Miss Saints?”

Somehow hearing him saying her name in his low voice made her heart tumble.

No Yule! You’re just nervous. No way that your heart skipped a beat at that!

Yule takes a deep breath regaining composure as she stands up straight. She firmly holds the folders and offers her hand.

“I am, and can I take that as you are Dr. Richter?” As if automatically she switched and adjusted her speech to formal talking to this nobleman. Or at least that's what her brain registered her to do.

“Indeed.” He nods, humbly smiling back at her ever so solemnly. “Please… No need to be so formal, any friend of Rosa is to my liking.”

Vyn takes her hand, she felt soft by her hand upwards. He speaks. “I suppose you know about those evaluation papers?”

Just when she thought she had the upper hand in keeping the atmosphere in place. Alas.

She sighed in defeat and was a bit ashamed. At this point, she’s screaming Rosa’s name at the back of her mind for being in this situation.

“Apologies, Rosa was in such a rush to ask me a favor.” she almost bites back a sob. “Though I do know the protocols yet I still rummaged through it.”

“Oh, no worries. It’s fine. It is up to you if you want to take part as the respondent, or do you wish to continue to be of assistance?”

She did not even register the question in her head.

The curiosity has been looming over her mind for the past minutes, enough for it to ask to slip off. She didn’t have a moment to fight back her urge. “How did you know my name?”

“Rosa had mentioned you to me on numerous occasions,” he replies, his lips shifting upwards in a noticeable manner. “She’s actually enthralled for me to meet you soon, since you’re her ‘psychologist friend’, as she worded it.”

Did she just witness him smiling at that fact? Yule grows more on embarrassed than delighted at that.

Though, how come she didn’t even mention Dr. Richter to her at all to be aware of him? …if he knows her already this much? How odd of you Rosa…

“Not yet.” She puts emphasis on that, further explaining to him her future plans for her degree.

He gestures to her to move aside to sit by the waiting benches by the hallway. As more students crowd the room. As they found a bit of comfort by their feet, she continued, playing by the hem of her sleeves as she placed the folder between them. The distance now feels safe. “I am not even fully sure since you handed these out to be conducted. You assigned Rosa.”

Yule only expected him to take it as it is, as it is the facts. So, she didn’t expect the slight gleam of his eyes, though it wouldn’t be discernible if one isn’t paying much attention to a person.

She rationalized it as she’s someone taking up psychology, of course, she had to be perceptive at most.

A smile is now formed on his lips, distinct more now than it is for her.

“Take it as a ‘makeup’ for bumping into me.”

That is a big thing for him, what an inconvenience you are, Yule. She kept the surging blood rushing through her face to herself, feeling all the more embarrassed.

Vyn is quick to retract it.

“I am only kidding, though, mind if I do observe you?” he suggests once again. “I won’t be much of a bother. I believe if I accompany you, the students might answer those around me differently.”

As much as she knows that might change behavior, for the genuinity of the study, she's more affected by being watched.

“Only if you do mind, Miss Yule?”

That made her get out of her zone. “No! I actually want to finish it seeing its content,” she admitted, the words just escaped smoothly.

By the gleaming eyes greeting her back.

She knows well that she'll definitely enjoy having classes here.

Yule is now itching more to move to her feet and get this over with, besides the outcome, the resounding steps of the two of them echoing in the now deserted hallway is growing all the more engaging. The idea of this atmosphere is going to be familiar to her…

I need to finish finalizing my documents.

It is the least of her expectations.

Yule is yet to know what is going right at her.

How could she slip up on their first conversation? The look on Vyn across her, is anything but “amused” with his lips pointing upwards.

It felt cold and artificial, remaining unnoticed by the girl while she carried on with her sentiments.

“They can be quite obnoxious.” she huffs, the push in her voice signals depth.

“Just because they think they owe you and can bribe you with money.”

Vyn sips from his cup before speaking. “Don’t you think you are discrediting them for their hard work and efforts on what you have said prior on that basis?”

“Also…” Adding a chuckle, he looks at her. “Do you not like Marius that much?”

“N-no! I actually like him, he's one of the few I get along with and of that background.” She almost pokes herself reaching the straw with her mouth. That took her off guard, it is anything but hatred. Although she had to admit, she got carried away with her mouth. That is not at all what she meant, but is it really coming across that way on how Vyn interpreted it?

Yule is part of the middle class, more on the working side, and trying to strive to meet her needs, but delving into the topic and personal encounters, she had a handful of unpleasant experiences working with rich people.

Though, she did not even consider him, Vyn Richter, as that… even when she got to know he's rich af.

She grows somber in her seat. It really flew out of her mind that Vyn had told her about this recently. Remaining her lips wrapped around her straw, Yule made a mental note to hold back her tongue this time around.

“Yule, how come you've developed a stereotype, then such judgment on this matter?” His voice is too clear to bypass.

Yule took the moment to look at him intently.

At some odd feeling, she felt that his intention on the question is beyond his inquiries on psychology. This is a matter of intuition now.

She doesn't want to back down or stray away from their topic.

Now a bit composed, she tells him in prompt detail what’s on her mind. “Okay, sorry. I held such a judgment, though it is personal based on what I have encountered… Especially in prestigious places that I had a chance to get a job in. Some can be condescending not because they have power, when the actual case is that what they are lacking is simple respect to others.”

“I see.” Vyn runs his fingers by his chin and then gestured to her, she felt her breath release. “You said that in meticulous detail.”

Yule hums, now a bit relieved in her place though nervous if she lessened the mess she placed on the atmosphere.

“I do hope I don't come across that way. May I ask if I have offended you in some way, in our previous meetings perhaps?”

“Not at all.” She shakes her head firmly, assuring him in the best manner. She had to take another good look at him, straight in contact. “What do you mean though, Dr. Richter?”

She can’t quite put a finger on it…

“Nothing.”

She won’t think much of it then.

By the clock ticking, and as the condensation of the cup drips by her finger, Vyn drops his question.

“Ah, right. Rosa relayed the message to me moments ago… Since she's got an extra ticket, how about you be the one to join me at this event? Her friend Kiki isn't able to accompany her.”

Yule filched as he handed the invitation, more so as his slender fingers brushed hers for a moment. But looking at the table now, she can't quite comprehend seeing the intricate details on the paper, let alone the scent of it.

Or is it him?

She flushed red as she realized his close proximity.

Yule backs away, also because she might have to turn him down. “Oh no, I don’t know if I may…” The shining letters on the paper gawk at her by her line of vision.

She doesn't have any clothes appropriate.

Like of course, on average, she didn't have anything packed for this certain instance. She will stick out like a sore thumb!

“Is there any problem, Miss Yule?” Vyn had to ask as she had been silent for a while.

Prompting her feet properly to her seat, her sheepish behavior came off a bit less. “Honestly… I don’t have a dress for a ball.”

Does she look pathetic?

“Oh, no need… Marius suggested a design for you.” Seeing the already prepared reference on the older male’s phone, she had to widen her eyes at the sight of her favorite hues that complements her skin so well.

That made her flush more.

She lets out a nervous laugh, mixed with vexation. “I swear he wants me in debt.”

“I asked him directly though, no worries. Besides, knowing you're in the midst of moving here in Stellis, I suppose you didn't bring any attire for these kinds of events.”

“Exactly.” She felt herself relax and look at him with intent. So, he didn't see the fact that I may not have any of the luxury, and did not prioritize it since she’s handling something at the moment. She beams at him, feeling the effects of the caffeine saturate her body. “You’ve done so much already, Vyn, thank you.”

Hearing that she had already complied in calling him by the name, she claps his hands together, nodding in appreciation. “That settles it then.”

“Mind if I pick you up at noon?” he asks.

“Not quite a morning person?”

He had to perk a smile, as she even managed to notice that detail.

Vyn chuckles, letting a meek smile paint over his lips. “I suppose you too?”

Nodding, she had to mirror back a shy grin, disappearing in a matter of seconds as it’s been replaced by an astonished reaction.

“Let's grab a coffee on the way.”

She had to flush back. He noticed that detail too, huh…

Settling on the same agreement feels safe as they get more captivated into their little bubble. Despite being both’s epitome of ‘irony’ at the first meeting, they have settled it. With Vyn breaking down her beliefs into something more bearable; showing more of the radical explanation of phenomena, and to Yule alluring the appealing nature of the primacy effect in love for Vyn. Possibly expanding the concept and enticing dynamics to him hereafter.

To the one who acts on her vulnerabilities, the other rational on their approach. One can learn from the other; equal and reciprocal. Opposites do attract.

Having to see in person the name, the one he keeps hearing, now has a form and meaning for him to further analyze. He wishes to comprehend more of her complexities past her captivating appearance. Vyn can now structure better connections based on further impressions he may probe into.

Letting the scent of the café waft their senses, he's stirred awake.

He’s the type who prefers tea, but with him being in her presence, it feels natural. She gives the same palpitation and warmth as he glances at her coffee-brown eyes.

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

#vyn richter #mo yi #tears of themis #tot #vyn x reader #vyn: paradox series #enjeiwrites

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miloucomehome · 1 year

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man is finding a place to work in my own department ever difficult.

i'm a little frazzled from my typography class earlier this afternoon -- had to stick around until one of the last two people there finished because he had my self-healing board and a board my prof lent him that she wanted me to take with me and give her tomorrow at visual communications class. Only ate a few moments ago, so waiting for everything to kick in so I'll have some energy.

I was working in a faculty's little workspace they had opened but someone came to close it since it apparently has closing hours (nooo). I'm too tired to look for any other spots in the entirety of this 10 storey building so I just went down a floor to the department office's floor and I'm just sitting on a bench trying to get something started. once I calm down, I might move to the computer lab until 10pm.

The issue (and it's my fault, of course) is that I have to print out my designs for these cards and then place somewhere where people interact enough to record (see: photograph) what I observed. I should've pushed myself to go out Sunday while the weather was good, but I didn't get out until much later in the day and I had other things due. I'm also getting mixed directions from this prof -- there seems to be a huge insistence on going outdoors but there's quite a few people doing indoor stuff (but I've been stopped a few times from doing indoor anything, do I don't even get it. I'm making little cards with words/phrases of encouragement that I'm hoping people will pick up. The project has sociological elements to it that I know the best spot (one of) would be indoors on a campus where students are more likely to interact with some scraps of paper or be curious about what they say before resuming their work. outdoors presents a few interesting factors, but less chance of interaction I think.)

(While I think it would go against my good conscience, and my old ethics as a former sociology student, I have half a mind to print these, place them, do some observations and "make up" results in the name of being able to have something to present tomorrow and when it comes to photographing people interacting with my stuff, state that I was not comfortable taking photos of people from a distance without their consent.)*

*I mean, I probably would do it, but the guilt would weigh on me really badly. I don't need any ore reasons to hate myself more ^^;

** That said, I think some people jokingly mentioned how they were going to get family and friends to pretend to be strangers and have them genuinely interact with their thing.

I feel like such a mess right now that I have half a mind to drop my other two classes and give up. or even drop culture and img. I also think I'm letting the culture-img's weird comments get to me when they shouldn't have because it's been having such an awful effect on my workflow -- I don't just design and evaluate, I filter my ideas before they have a chance to even develop because I'm worried they might be "too commercial" now. This final project has been a pain to take from drafts in figma and create in illustrator because I'm just afraid to flop now (which sucks because I worked hard to overcome this a few years ago).

I suppose my main issue is being crit'd "harshly" but not told how I could improve--and I'm not looking for the 5-step plan (that'd be nice though), I just want to be told "This doesn't work, but how about using warmer hues and gradients" "it feels too commercial. what you should perhaps focus on is ___" or something.

I'm sorry I'm such a ball of stress and negativity right now. I think the fact that some of my profs interact with me happily after giving directionless crit feels so weird that I have no idea how to process everything.

Here's hoping I can get things done.

#milou thoughts #a bit of a negative nelly sorry #confidence is absolutely super low

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juanarcthethird · 2 years

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(Idea is too good to stop at merely part 2, so here i am) Ozpin upon discovering kissing booth even and Nora's "Kiss Jaune booth" he made a decision. The winnter of vytal tournament will get special card to use Jaune kissing booth for free for a whole week. (Nora can't say no, he is her headmaster = boss). What kind of madness with come out from that?

Jaune at the carnival part 3

Ozpin: Has come to my attention, Ms. Valkyria, that you started a business at the carnival, is that correct?

Nora: You are right, Prof. Ozpin. Now I am a business woman.

Ozpin: A business woman, you say. So, it's safe to say that you have the necessary permits to have your "Business" at the carnival, correct?

Nora: Well…

Ozpin: Also, because you are part of Beacon Academy, you had my approval for this business, correct?

Nora: *Worry* About that…

Ozpin: And you are also giving the correct percentage of your earnings for being part of the event, correct?

Nora: *Sweeating* The thing is…

Ozpin: I think we both know the answer to those questions. I'm sorry Ms. Valkyria, but we will have to close your business.

Nora: *Panicking* Wait, you can't do that! Isn't there something I can do?

Ozpin: *Smiles* I’m glad you ask.

Later that day at the carnival main stage.

Glynda: *Speaking into a microphone* We have an announcement about the next Vytal tournament. For the winner of the Singles fights, they would have the option to win a year's supply of Dust as mentioned at the beginning of the event, or *Looks upset and sighs* or free kisses from the JNPR team kissing booth for one week. If you are not registered, you still have time to do so.

The Crowd: “LETS GOOOOOO!” “FUCK YEAH!” “FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD!” “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SIGNING BOOTH?!”

Glynda: *Leaves the stage* I don't understand why you did this.

Ozpin: Look on the bright side, you no longer have to worry about the coffee budget. (I can finally get the coffee maker 5000 with the accessories)

Meanwhile at the signing booth.

Pyrrha: *Angrily holding one end of the pen* Excuse me, but I was here first.

Arslan: *Angrily holding the other end of that same pen* You may be confused because all the blows to the head, I got here first.

Winter: Girls, we can all join the tournament. It doesn't matter who goes first. In the end, I'll be the one who wins the kisses.

Pyrrha: *Looks at Winter* Wasn't this tournament just for students from the 4 kingdoms?

Arslan: *Also looks at Winter* Yeah, you cannot compete in this tournament.

Penny: Technically, Winter is a student at the Atlas academy while still training to become a full specialist and work on her own. This may be confusing, but on paper she is a student.

Winter: Thank you Penny.

Penny: Beside I will be the winner.

Winter: Excuse me!!

The girls keep fighting while everyone else just watches and waits for their turn.

Weiss: *Looking from afar* I can believe Winter could fall so low for a boy! But I'm more surprised that you girls don't behave like that. Right team?…. Team? *Looks back to see her team racing to get a place in the tournament*

Ruby: I'm sorry Weiss, but we really want those kisses!

Yang: Also, we don't want to lose a place to participate in the tournament!

Blake: You are going to lose your chance!

Weiss: *Starts running too* Wait! Save me a spot!

———————

I'm glad you liked the previous post and I hope you like this one too. I have more Ask on this and I think I'll make it a little series. So get ready to see more of this.

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juanarc-thethird · 2 years

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Jaune at The Carnival part 3

Ozpin: Has come to my attention, Ms. Valkyria, that you started a business at the carnival, is that correct?

Nora: You are right, Prof. Ozpin. Now I am a business woman.

Ozpin: A business woman, you say. So, it's safe to say that you have the necessary permits to have your "Business" at the carnival, correct?

Nora: Well…

Ozpin: Also, because you are part of Beacon Academy, you had my approval for this business, correct?

Nora: *Worry* About that…

Ozpin: And you are also giving the correct percentage of your earnings for being part of the event, correct?

Nora: *Sweeating* The thing is…

Ozpin: I think we both know the answer to those questions. I'm sorry Ms. Valkyria, but we will have to close your business.

Nora: *Panicking* Wait, you can't do that! Isn't there something I can do?

Ozpin: *Smiles* I’m glad you ask.

Later that day at the carnival main stage.

The Crowd: “LETS GOOOOOO!” “FUCK YEAH!” “FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD!” “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SIGNING BOOTH?!”

Glynda: *Leaves the stage* I don't understand why you did this.

Ozpin: Look on the bright side, you no longer have to worry about the coffee budget. (I can finally get the coffee maker 5000 with the accessories)

Meanwhile at the signing booth.

Pyrrha: *Angrily holding one end of the pen* Excuse me, but I was here first.

Arslan: *Angrily holding the other end of that same pen* You may be confused because all the blows to the head, I got here first.

Winter: Girls, we can all join the tournament. It doesn't matter who goes first. In the end, I'll be the one who wins the kisses.

Pyrrha: *Looks at Winter* Wasn't this tournament just for students from the 4 kingdoms?

Arslan: *Also looks at Winter* Yeah, you cannot compete in this tournament.

Penny: Technically, Winter is a student at the Atlas academy while still training to become a full specialist and work on her own. This may be confusing, but on paper she is a student.

Winter: Thank you Penny.

Penny: Beside I will be the winner.

Winter: Excuse me!!

The girls keep fighting while everyone else just watches and waits for their turn.

Ruby: I'm sorry Weiss, but we really want those kisses!

Yang: Also, we don't want to lose a place to participate in the tournament!

Blake: You are going to lose your chance!

Weiss: *Starts running too* Wait! Save me a spot!

Part 2 by @darkvaga -------------------------

With team JN(P)R

Neptune: AWW COME ON!

Ren: Something wrong?

Neptune: Hell yeah there is! How come jaune gets all the action! I also have a kissing booth, but i dont get a shout out! *shrinks into himself and grumbles* its not fair....you know how it feels.right ren?

Ren: Actually no. I have Nora so i really don't need anyone else

Neptune: *Grumbling* lucky but I started the kissing booth first!

Ren: *Mutters* depends on the perspective we have Jaune....so there's that

Neptune: But what does he have that i don't?!

Jaune: Yeah what do i have that he doesn't?!

Ren & Neptune:.......

Jaune: What? This is me we're talking about. Dont act like I sudden have charm

Ren:....Actually.....I can't really say.....a warming feeling maybe?

Neptune: I say it's witchcraft.

Ren: It's not witchcraft, right Jaune?

Jaune: No no...Neptune might be on to something

Nora: *Jumping into the conversation* Hey whatcha talking about?

Ren: Trying to figure what makes Jaune so kissable

Nora: *Smirking at Neptune* Cause somebody let his golden ticket get away or is it jealousy

Neptune: Hey I'm not jealous of jaune! Just...curious is all

Nora: Why don't you kiss him and out😀

Neptune & Jaune: *spit take* WHAT!?

Nora: You should kiss jaune, and you should get you answer

Both Neptune & jaune are both stutter messes so ren had to answer for them

Ren: Nora, I don't think that will

Nora: *Casually pushing Neptune & Jaune together in a small kiss* Will what now?

The 2 boys separate, both visibly stunned

Nora: well?

Neptune:.....yeah....*backing up*....it's not that special.....*backing up*.....it was pretty nice i suppose, but I'm not really into guys so....yeah......excuse i gotta do something *he sprints off into the crowd of sworming women*

Ren & Jaune (the lader still shocked that he kissed Neptune):.........

Nora:😁

Ren & Jaune:.........

Nora:😁😁

Ren:...he's going to sign up is...

Random girl: HEY WHAT THE...

Neptune: BACK OFF BITCHES THAT PRIZE IS MINE!

Weiss: NEPTUNE WHAT THE HELL!

Neptune: I SHALL GET ANOTHER KISS FROM THE ARC ANGEL, SNOW QUEEN!

Ren:.....wow......ok...i didn't expect that

Jaune: *still shocked* ren, am i cursed or something?

Nora:....no...just really kissable

Ren: pretty much

Jaune:.....I'm just gonna go...to...the...room now....

After Jaune leaves

Ren: Should we tell Pyrrha that Jaune will kiss her if she just asks him to tuck her in at night?

Nora: Nah*watching Pyrrha suplex someone* she's more motivated this way

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niawritess · 3 years

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The Lovestruck~Chapter 2

{26 November}

You checked the time on your wristwatch and it was 8:22 where you instantly shoved your belongings inside your bag.

"Dan! Hurry up!" You slung your bag on your shoulder ready for your college, then heard his foot steps coming down from the stairs.

Your parents left for Scotland half an hour ago for your elder brother, Jaehyun's graduation for a week and now you were being an elder sister which was kind of a hard task.

You were about to open the door but he held your wrist as you looked at him questionly while he frowned. "Did you gave your number to that guy?"

"You're asking that now?"

"Just tell me."

"Of course, I didn't." You told him as you both got out of your house before a mischievous grin crept on your lips. "Wait, were you worried about me?"

"Oh, please." He scoffed and walked ahead of you and you chuckled seeing your brother's cute flustered expression.

A car stopped infront of you, then the car's side window rolled down, revealing your bestfriend Ria Song Smith. "Hey buddies!"

Ria is half Korean and half American as her mother is American and her father is Korean. You both met when she was transferred in your high school and was assigned your seat mate. You were too shy to initiate a conversation so, Ria being the confident one did it and since then you were inseparable.

"Hey!" You went to sit on the passenger's seat while daniel in the back before giving her a highfive as you both drove off.

______

10:11 am

Class started and you were listening carefully to the lecture until someone tapped you on the shoulder as you turned to the right side to see a guy smiling.

"Hey, could I borrow a pen? I actually left my pouch bag in the locker."

You nodded before handing him the pen. "Here you go."

"Thanks, by the way, i'm Rowoon." He smiled and held out his hand and you smiled back shaking his hand. "Y/n."

"No talking in class!" Your prof shouted startling you two as you both chuckled lightly before looking ahead.

The hour passed and the class ended where were taking your belongings and were about to go out but Rowoon stopped you holding out your pen. "Thanks.

You just nodded smiling as he smiled back. "If you need any help, you can ask me anytime."

With that, he left the class and you were also leaving but got stopped again by your prof. "Y/n could you help me put this book back in the library?"

"Yes, sure." You took the book from her hand and left the class to the library.

***

10:45 am

"Here!" Chanyeol yelled and Yixing passed the ball to him as he threw it in the basket making the goal.

"Yes!" He fist bumped with members before their coach halted them on their positions as all of them were standing in line.

"You must have heard about the match right? And again, we're gonna compete with that team." He trailed off looking at each of them. "We've won two years in a row, so this time too we're gonna give our best."

"So, keep practicing and let's win again, okay!"

"Yes!" All of them yelled but hearing chanyeol's loud voice, coach smiled at him.

"Our chanyeol always so passionate." He chuckled and members looked at him smiling before he turned serious again. "Okay! Focus!"

"Now continue with your practice." He said leaving the court.

"Okay! Focus!" Chanyeol pretended to be their coach guiding them, minseok hit him with the ball and he caught it.

"You want to be a coach that bad chanyeol?" They all turned around to see their coach and the ball slipped from chanyeol's hand as members were controlling their laugh seeing his face.

"Yes, he's aiming for it." Baekhyun smiled, earning a side glare from chanyeol and the Coach laughed. "Stop fooling around and?"

"Pratice hard!" Their voice chorused through the whole basket ball court and with that their coach left nodding.

"Wah! Chanyeol-ah, you should've seen your face!" Baekhyun laughed harder, chanyeol picked the ball before throwing at him but he dodged it and then ran around the court while chanyeol chasing him.

Junmyeon sighed. "They are driving me crazy."

_____

You entered the library and greeted the librarian before going inside while kept looking around to which book shelf you have to put the book in. You looked down reading the name if the book and a shoulder colided with yours making you stumble as both of your books fell.

"I'm sorry." You squated down without looking the person and picked the books.

"I'm really sorry." You heard a male voice and looked up to see a tall boy in a blue hoodie and pants with bunch of books in his hands.

"I was carrying these books so, i didn't see you." He explained and you stood up dusting off the book before handing him his books.

You shook your head. "It's okay, i wasn't looking too."

"And good luck with that." You eyed his books and passed by him going another way. He smiled to himself and went carefully by not bumping into anyone else.

***

Later, you and Ria sat on your table in the cafeteria by the window and as you were about to start, Rowoon passed by your table while waving at you before going to his table.

"What? What's happening? Why is Rowoon waving at you?" She questioned you impatiently and you shrugged shoving a spoon of rice in your mouth. "We had class together."

"What? How come i wasn't there?" She made a sad face and you chuckled sipping your juice. "You skipped that class."

"Why didn't you text me! We rarely see our seniors too." She sighed looking towards rowoon's direction and you shook your head at her words. "By the way, i took notes for you too, prof said it's gonna be in the test."

"Awe, you really worry for your bestfriend, don't you? ." She cooed locking her arms around your and you stared at her with a straight face. "No, because you're gonna give me a ride back home."

"Geez! Meanie!" She groaned, unlocking her arms and you giggled.

"Is this seat taken?"

You both looked up to see the boy you met in the library and Ria shook her head before he pulled back the chair opposite of you sitting.

"We met at the library remember?" He looked at you smiling and you nodded while Ria cocked her eyebrow at you.

"I'm Lee Mark." He held out his hand which you giving him a smile. "I'm y/n and she's Ria my best friend."

"You're really meeting boys today huh." Ria whispered to you with a smirk and you glared at her but you also thought the same thing.

"What are you two studying?" He asked.

"Literature." Ria answered. "And you?"

"Arts."

"I've never seen you here before, are you a new student?" She asked him.

He nodded. "It's been a week since i came here from new york."

You both widen your eyes and looked at eachother and then him as he chuckled at your reaction.

"So you're here to study instead of new york?" Ria emphasized the new york word, her eyes still widen and he shrugged. "It's just happened that way."

Then he got a call and picking it up he quickly left the cafeteria before waving bye to you both.

"He's handsome." Ria nodded after starting him till he left and you gave her a look before you both stood up walking out of the cafeteria.

***

2:35 pm

"Are you sure about that?" Rose held the stool tightly watching you climbing and You nodded giving the fused bulb to her as she threw it in trash can before going in the kitchen to grab a new one.

You were waiting for her but she was taking long, so you decided to check and while climbing down, you held the stool tightly as it suddenly started shaking but then stopped.

You looked down to see Baekhyun in a white shirt and pants with jacket over it, holding the stool while looking up at you confusingly. "What are you doing there?"

"Uh, I was changing the bulb."

"Why you are changing it? You should've called someone."

"It's just a bulb though and i've done it before too."

He sighed. "Okay, come down, i'll do that."

"Uh, okay."

He held out his hand and you looked at his hand then him before biting your lip as you hesitantly took his hand and came down. Letting of his hand, he climbed the stool before placing his bag on the counter and you held the stool for him.

"Did I took too-oh?" Rose stopped talking and smiled looking at the sight in front of her.

"When did you came?" She asked, giving you the bulb and you gave him.

"When she was about to fall." He answered while adjusting the bulb and rose looked at you worringly but then smiled.

"What a gentleman." Rose praised him and his corner of lips turned up before he jumped down.

"That, I am." He said looking at you while dusting off his hands and then Rose before he took the stool as he went to the kitchen while you glanced at rose to see her already looking at you with a smile.

"What happened?" Your forehead and she shook her head. "Nothing."

"So, how did it go?" You asked her and she sighed sitting at one of the tables.

"What? Did it went really bad?" Baekhyun asked her coming out from the kitchen and stood next to you at the counter.

"When I said hopefully, I really meant it." She glanced at you to see both of your quizzical face and chuckled. "I didn't even get to meet him, instead i met another man thinking it's him."

"What!?" You exclaimed, startling Baekhyun but a chuckle left your lips.

"It's not funny." She squinted her eyes at you and you smiled sheepishly. "Sorry but why did you thought it's him?"

"He was dressed in a suit and suddenly stood up when he saw me, i thought he is the man so i sat with him, he just began talking without asking my name," She sat up straight. "And we actually were having a good time until mom called and told me that her friend's son couldn't make it."

She folded arms to her chest. "That's when i went stiff and asked if his name was min ho but he denied and then i got to know that he was waiting for his model and mistook me for her."

"Wait.. then he must have found me pretty for mistaking me for a model." She smiled shyly tucking a hair behind her ear and you chuckled.

"Of course, you are pretty." Baekhyun grinned making her smile more but then her shoulder dropped. "I guess, i have no chance with men?"

"Why would you think that? There are alot of good men out there i'm sure you'll find someone good too." Baekhyun said and you nodded at his words before going to rose and sat opposite of her.

"Rose, don't feel down, like i said yesterday that you're an independent and an amazing woman, so it has to be someone awesome for you right? And i'm sure you'll meet him someday." You gave her a assuring smile as she smiled back at your words.

"So, just be happy and stop getting upset about that, what's meant for you, you'll surely get it." You added giving her a firm nod and she nodded smiling.

"Or just like you said, i should travel around so i can find someone like Big Boss." She giggled and you laughed. "Yeah, you should and let me come with you."

"Me too!" Baekhyun intruded and you all laughed.

"Okay enough talking, get back to work." She stood up, greeting the customer as he entrered.

"You really cheered her up." Baekhyun said to you after giving the customer his drink.

"I know right, even i didn't know i can cheer someone up." You looked at Rose, talking to a customer before you heard Baekhyun speaking. "I always thought you are good at cheering people."

You looked at him confused. "How?"

"Because Rose is always smiling or laughing whenever she talks to you, so you are a cheerful person." He smiled and you just stared at him.

"What's wrong?" He looked at you confusingly.

You shook your head and he nodded, continuing his work while you were still standing there with your burning cheeks as you always feel weird by compliments.

"He's really good at words." You muttered, calming your heart while looking at him and let out a big exhale as you shooed away your thoughts before continuing your work.

***

7:25 pm

"Good night rose!" You walked out of the Café and stood under the shade as a sigh escaped from your mouth when you saw rain pouring.

"Y/n, let me give you a ride back home." Rose said coming out of the Café after closing it with Baekhyun.

"No, Rose it's okay." You refused politely. "My house is that way and you'll have to make U turn while going to your home, so i'll just trouble you."

"No you won't, how-"

"Don't worry, i'll walk her home." Baekhyun interuppted and Rose smiled while you looked at him in surprise.

"Okay, be careful." She patted baekhyun's back and drove off in her car before waving at you.

"You don't have to and my house is ten minutes walk, i'll just call my brother." You said as were about to take your phone out but it was of no use as he was already standing beside you with an umbrella over you both.

He gestured you to take a step and you sighed while started walking beside him with a distance.

"So you have a brother?" He asked breaking the silence after walking for few seconds and you nodded. "I have two brothers."

"And you're last?"

"No, i'm the middle child and my younger brother is wait- how much younger he is.."

Baekhyun looked at you amused and chuckled watching you mumbling before he changed your positions as a car was passing by but you were too busy in your thoughts to notice it.

You looked at him and realized your changed positions but you just shrugged it off. "What about you? Do you have a brother?"

He nodded. "I have an older brother and he's married."

You frowned. "Why are you telling me that?"

"Just in case."

"What do you mean just in case? I'm wasn't even interested okay." You scoffed and he laughed making you frown.

Imersed in your conversation, you didn't realize that you reached home and the rain had stopped. You looked at him to say bye but got interuppted when you saw Daniel coming out from the house.

"Pota-." He stopped when he saw Baekhyun as he approached you two and looked back at you while signaling you to tell him about him.

"Ah, he's my little brother Daniel." You introduced him to Baekhyun and he nodded before holding out his hand as Daniel shook his head smiling. "I'm Baekhyun, who works with your sister at Café."

You looked at daniel. "But were you going somewhere?"

He nodded. "I was coming to get you."

"Right now?"

"The rain just stopped." He said innocently making Baekhyun smile.

You looked at him in disbelief and glared at him as you wanted to beat him that time but since Baekhyun was standing there, you couldn't do it.

You shifted your glaring eyes from Daniel to Baekhyun and your eyes soften. "Thank you for walking me home."

"No problem." He waved it off and looked at Daniel. "You should walk your sister back home, it could be dangerous for her since it's night time."

You looked at him with wide eyes and then Daniel who seemed to be confused but then smiled as he gave him a nod. "Yes, Hyung."

You looked at him shook as he called him Hyung and Baekhyun smiled before giving him a pat on his shoulder.

"Then i'll go now." He looked at you and you nodded. "Yes, reach safely."

You walked inside with Daniel behind you as you closed the door before something popped into your mind. "Ah right, did you changed the light bulb?

"What light bulb?"

"I told you to change the light bulb of my bathroom before leaving home." You looked at him with your patience going out of the hands and he sat on the couch before looking at you innocently. "Ah did you? I forgot."

"How can you forget that!?"

"It slipped from my mind."

"Slipped from your mind? I have to use washroom!" You said loudly.

"Just use any."

"Forget it! I'll do it myself and you know what? I gave you the perfect name, good for nothing!" You threw the pillow on his face before running upstairs.

"Yah!"

"Shut up!"

Baekhyun was still outside of your house as he was just close to walk away completely but stopped by your yelling and got surprised before he chuckled listening yours and Daniel's bickering.

"Light bulb." He muttered going home while a smile was plastered on his face.

___________

I had to write like this without spacing too much or I can't fit the whole chapter because it's long.

@wooya1224

#bbh #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun gifs #baekhyun imagines #exo fanfiction #exo ff #exowritersnet #baekhyun #baekhyun x reader #baekhyun x you

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barbiebanker · 2 years

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hello, hopefully you're doing well, but i was wondering: how do you not get burnt out? i have 3 upcoming quizzes this week, 2 projects and some essays due v soon that the stress overwhelms me a bit. im usually someone who can force themselves to hyper focus but honestly just wanted some help getting over the burn out and to keep going. ty in advance :)

hi!!! i think i recognize ur username from my old blog, but i can't be sure! after hearing your schedule, i hope you're doing well too! here are some things i've had to find out (usually the hard way) about avoiding burnout (+lots of tips of how i personally try to get over bad procrastination habits)

(fair warning: it's 12:23 am where im at rn and i took a tiny break to answer this, so if i seem all over the place, sorry!!!)

(edit: SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY. i've been a very busy bee over the past couple of days BAHAHA)

break down your to do list! imagine you open up your planner or your checklist and you see so many assignments and due dates screaming at you. that sounds pretty stressful, right? what i personally like to do is just compartmentalize my tasks/break down my overall schedule or day into tiny, very do-able, less frightening bits and pieces. for some odd reason, my brain thinks breaking up one big assignment into various easy to do tasks makes it seem more manageable. it doesn't really help for quizzes, but for projects or some essays, here's what i would do:

i hope it makes some slight sense! for me, rather than viewing it as "omg i have a big ass essay to complete", it's much more manageable to think to myself "ok, let me just work on the intro first." in my silly little head, if i can just do the intro and get started/get one task done, then it's easier for me to get into a good groove. im feeling productive and happy with myself because yay, i finished a task! ALSO, im sure you already know this, but i highly, highly recommend you outline every essay and plan out your projects/presentations before you start jumping in. no matter how bare bones the outline seems, even merely jotting down a vague idea or a tiny note will help you establish a good enough starting point/provide you with something to go off of is incredibly beneficial. i cannot stress that enough.

the best way to not fall behind is to always try to stay ahead (don't procrastinate!!!) this is easier said than done. it also depends on your sense of urgency, haha. for many people, if it's not due today, then it can be saved for a later date. for my schedule, for example, i don't necessarily have that luxury. i could save my assignments til the day they're due or even the day before they are due, but that would cause an unnecessary amount of stress onto me because every single business prof at my university is notorious for making their stuff due on sundays. (i'll actually be posting my outlook calendar/planner pretty soon to explain my planning system!)

one trick that i don't necessarily recommend because it might end up tripping you up (which is the last thing i want to happen) is to just write in your planner or calendar that something is due a day or two before it actually is. for example, saying that your essay is due on the 25th when in all actuality, it's due on the 27th. either you'll end up getting your due dates screwed up or you'll just think to yourself "nah i know im playing mind games with myself, it's not actually due til later" so then there's no sense of urgency.

another trick is to remember that there is still some urgency even if something isn't necessarily due until later. judging from your schedule, you've got quite a bit on your plate as well. i don't want to send you into a panic, but the more you put off or refuse to work on something, the less time you'll have in the future to actually work on it. "i can do this tomorrow", "i'll do it in a couple hours", "i can come back to this later". chances are, if you're saying this, you need to remind yourself that you've most likely already used that excuse yesterday or the day before. if you feel like you can handle it mentally and physically (e.g. not tired), i would recommend that if you catch yourself making that statement, immediately spend a minimum of 20 mins working on the very task you were trying to avoid. and i mean actively working on it, not just opening your laptop and doing the absolute bare minimum. you'll probably hate it, you'll probably think that you can't wait for the 20 mins to be over, but if you actually do substantial work during that time, there's a little less burden and less stress for the future you. do future you a favor and at least work a little bit. also, after the 20 mins are up, consider this: is your workload at least somewhat lighter? you did something productive, so pat yourself on the back — you deserve a reward. also, you already did a little work now... why not spend another 10 mins on it?

look at how you're spending your time. goes a bit with the last bullet point. try to track the amount of time you do productive work (things you have to do, such as chores, at your job, studying, working on your assignments) versus recreational activities (watching tv, even reading a book for fun, social media). im not saying your life has to be centered all around work; i'd be a hypocrite to say that. im just saying that if you don't work now, you'll be working harder in the future to try to pick up the slack.

this isn't meant to guilt trip you or anything like that, but seriously monitor your time. i like to go on google and use the stopwatch there to track the amount of time i'm actually studying and working on the things i need to. then in my planner, i write how many hours i spent that week "being productive". there are 168 hours in a week — 10% of that is 16.8 or roughly 17 hours. 17 hours of studying seems so boring, but in the grand scheme of things, you can spend literally 90% of your time doing anything else. imagine that: studying 17 hrs a week is only 2 1/2 hrs a day. you could watch a movie or two episodes of a show in that time span, easily. or, you could use that time to actually make a dent in your to-do list. it's important to remember that you are the person in charge of how you spend your time. i'm not trying to sound unsympathetic, because people have a lot on their plates between work or taking care of someone else, so you might not have a straight 2 1/2 hours to dedicate to studying. but chances are, there's going to be a time where you can choose freely what you want to do: something fun or an assignment. if you're reaching a point where the due dates are coming closer, i would say make an attempt to choose the assignment.

reward system! first off, please don't take this as a sign to deprive yourself of essentials. a reward is something you don't really need but really want. don't say "im not going to shower until this essay is done". that's not what im recommending at all!!

if you're like me, you might like shopping. or, you might like a specific candy or snack (please also do not use "i can't eat dinner til i finish this" as a method to force yourself to finish your work!!). maybe you have a favorite tv show that comes out with a new episode every sunday (cough, me with euphoria at the moment). here's the thing: why are you indulging in nonessential items + activities whenever you currently have a list of shit to do? "i'll work on my essay after i finish watching this episode!" im sorry, do people get paid before or after they started working their shifts? because if you give yourself the reward with no work, what is motivating you to complete the work?

use this method sparingly and responsibly!

think big picture!!! i have two whiteboards in my room, both of them hanging right by my desk. the first one, im able to stare at straight ahead of me. it's a message i wrote before my superday that congratulated me on getting the internship at the BB bank i wanted to be at so badly. i wrote this before i even knew i got accepted. after that happened, i added a footnote to it; it's me congratulating myself on securing a full-time offer. it sounds obsessive, but my custom safari homepage is a thumbnail of the bank i'll specifically be at with a quote.

the point of that paragraph is to emphasize that i've purposely surrounded myself with words of encouragement/congratulations and images of where i want to be in the future. i can't avoid it. when im at my desk, thinking i want to put off doing this assignment because it's boring or because im apparently too "tired" for it (yet i can easily get into bed and scroll mindlessly on tiktok for an hour), i can look up at my board or even open up a new tab and see specifically what all this work is for. i'm certain you have big goals of your own, or even small, short-term ones.

let those be both a reminder and a motivator for you when it comes to you asking why should you even bother with these assignments.

find meaning in the work you're doing. i actually enjoy a decent portion of my coursework, even the ones not directly related to my major. always keep an open mind with all your classes; if it's required, chances are there's something about it that can be relevant to improving your overall quality of life or even just helping you develop as a person and give you a new perspective in certain topics.

it's easier to do things and justify doing them whenever they stop being "this lame essay i have to write" and is instead something you consider an opportunity to research something that you've never really knew anything about. even if you hate it, take some time and effort to really get to study the material you're "forced" to work with or learn about. you never know when you may need it; maybe an interviewer in your future has some interest in a niche topic you had to write a paper about.

take breaks!! i sound and seem like a workaholic, i bet. truth be told, im not. some days are going to be a lot harder than others.

it's okay to take a break. it's okay to not follow any of that advice whenever you feel like absolute shit. the fact of the matter is if you're not taking proper care of yourself, you're not going to be taking proper care in the actions you do. as far as schooling goes, anything is better than a zero. in the working world, putting out terrible, half-assed work is bound to get you fired or at least looked down upon.

it's very easy to say "always give everything 110%!!!". absolutely no one is surprised whenever it's hard to give 50% on the really bad days.

know your limits! let me start (what i think to be the most important piece of advice when it comes to avoiding burnout) that i myself had to be told by my prof (bless his heart, he still gets anxious over my schedule more than i do HAHA) and that is “we only have 24 hours in a day; most of us need 30, and we spend several sleeping. it’s hard to be successful if you don’t allow yourself the time to try.”

the fact of the matter is that i work my regular job 3x a week, i currently have a spring internship that i spend the other 3 days a week at, went over the allowed # of college courses someone gets to take (+ these are all upper level courses) and i have family obligations & the need to relax and spend time on myself. it gets difficult (this week proof of that) to juggle all these responsibilities and spend a sufficient amount of time to appropriately apply myself to each task i do. for me, though, im a firm believer in competing with myself. the me from laster semester was already struggling with less responsibilities but i am constantly wanting to be better. i know that for me, it’s a very “do-or-die” situation. i refuse to fail any class, i refuse to get less than what ii expect from myself, i refuse to allow myself to fall behind, and i don’t want to tap out — i want it all; i can’t fathom not doing all of this or having to drop my job or the internship or a class. i know myself & i know that i’ll manage to handle all of this. however, don’t be unrealistic with yourself. set a standard. know that some days you will not want to work at all & that’s okay, but know that it’s equally important to go the extra mile on the days that you are able to work hard. don’t make an impossible schedule that you KNOW will be too overwhelming. don’t put unnecessary strain on yourself if you know you’re prone to burning out.

it’s better to do only a couple of things, take a couple of classes, etc. if you’re able to apply yourself fully and truly succeed in whatever you do rather than take on a million things and be mediocre or struggle to stay afloat.

#q&a #school #college #advice #topic: procrastination #topic: burn out

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allsystemsarenotgo · 5 years

Text

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me.

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party.

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.

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