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pretty-hargreeves · 5 years

Text

See You Soon

Ben x Reader (with a big splash of Platonic!Klaus bc we stan a good brother/friend)

Requested: Hi hi can i request a ben x reader where they meet again when the reader dies and its just like "no no no you're not supposed to be dead too" bc ouchies i need that (also wtf your writing is so good?? That five fic??yes i think so.)

Words: 5,203 (omfg i had too much to say. . .also srry this might be trash)

In which all the Hargreeves siblings and the reader are 21, Klaus is just getting the hang of his abilities, Ben has lavishly watched you grow up through his brother, and you have just been missing him with every passing day.

“Klaus, it’s like two in the morning you gotta stop showing up like this.” You muttered through tired eyes as an inebriated Klaus Hargreeves stumbled into your apartment, clutching a box of frozen waffles for some odd reason. He giggled incessantly as he slumped over onto your couch and curled up in the corner with his legs pulled into his chest.

“You are the apple of our eyes, dear Y/N, such a joy.” He slurred quite clearly. “Say, could you make these for us, dear Y/N? We’re actually very hungry and decided on waffles.”

You reluctantly gave in and took the box from Klaus’ pleading hands. “Let me guess, the 24-hour diner kicked you out when you nicely asked for waffles?”

Klaus’ eyes widened as you shot up from the couch. “Yes, exactly! Do you have any idea how rude they were? Just because I have the tiniest drop of alcohol in my system does not excuse me from my right of a decent plate of waffles!”

You chuckled as you pulled your toaster out from the cupboard below. Klaus was your best friend, and even on nights like these where you wanted to strangle him for waking you up at the ass-crack of dawn, you would do anything for him (sometimes).

“Am I right? Huh?” He exclaimed, turning to nothing next to him. Who was he speaking to? His imaginary friend? “Don’t look at me like that, you hypocrite, you LOVE IT.”

You shook off the thought and took out the just-toasted eggo waffles and set them on a plate, handing it to Klaus.

“Eat up, sir.” You said leaning up against your counter, “Oh, you know what will help your upcoming hangover? Lemon water, let me make it.” Stated you as you began shuffling around your kitchen.

“Hey, Y/N,” Klaus began with a mouth full of waffles, “You forgot to give Ben a plate.”

You froze.

What?

You turned around slowly to face Klaus who sat staring at the vacant chair next to him.

“What did you say?” You muttered softly.

Klaus had totally ignored you and spoke as if his dead brother was really there. “Just kidding, he’s not hungry, carry on with the lemon water.”

You shushed him quickly and sat in the other chair next to Klaus. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay? Did you just say Ben wanted waffles?”

Klaus chuckled and looked at you like you were being oblivious for shits and giggles. “No, Y/N, Ben doesn’t want waffles, didn’t you hear me?”

But you did hear him. You thought at this early in the morning you were bound to be delirious, so you just decided to shake it off and go make Klaus his lemon water.

The rest of the night was pretty simple. You sat and poured a glass of lemon water for both you and Klaus, and listened to him rant about the rude waitress at the dinner was and how Luther was being a “piss-head” a few hours ago.

Once you were finished cleaning up after Klaus, you handed him a pillow and a blanket to crash on the couch for the rest of the night.

As he began dozing off, you knelt down next to him and poured another glass of lemon water. He was muttering in and out of sleep, watching your figure protrude in and out of his blurry vision.

“Hey, Klaus?” You whispered, hoping he’d still be able to talk.

The fourth Hargreeves child cleared his throat with his sobriety peaking through slightly. “Yes, my dear?”

“Why were you talking about Ben. . .as if he was actually here?” You asked, hoping it wouldn’t weird him out.

He sat up slightly and said as a matter of factly, “But he is here, Y/N.” He turned to where his feet lay, “He’s right the-ON MY FEET-OH MY-BEN GET OFF.” He cried, thrashing his legs about your couch.

“Klaus, Klaus,” You said, trying to stop him, “Klaus stop it!”

He suddenly stopped moving. He sat up and faced you, cupping your cheeks with his cold and clammy palms before saying, “I can see him, sweetheart, I’m not called the Seance for nothin’.”

Your heart skipped a beat. He could see Ben. He could see his brother.

“Can--can you--talk to him?” You whispered.

Klaus only shrugged, “I mean, yeah, only when I’m--like--pretty sober-ish.”

You jumped to your feet and grabbed his shoulders, “Well, I’m gonna need you to sober up a little bit more, Klaus!”

He frowned and turned back over onto his stomach, “Tomorrow, Y/N, those waffles got me tired as hell.”

You groaned internally, “Fiiiineee.”

Before you left for your bedroom, you made sure the thermostat was at the temperature Klaus preferred when he slept and set up his shoes and coat neatly by the door. You were about to flick the lights off when you remembered that Klaus sometimes preferred to keep them on due to his recurring nightmares.

“Goodnight, Klaus.” You whispered. He only responded with a jumbled mumbled back, then he began to snore. Your work here was done.

_______________________

“Ben, this mission sounds dangerous.” You whispered, “Are you sure you really have to do it?”

You watched as Ben child fiddled with his fingers nervously. His father was making Ben and his siblings prepare for a dangerous mission tomorrow. This mission required the Umbrella Academy taking down an empire of powerful mobsters that terrorized the city. Taking down that empire would result in the rise of Sir Reginald Hargreeves’ own. You found it absurd that a father would put his children in such danger purely for his own agenda. You had begged and begged Ben not to go, but he was persistent, mainly because his father would punish him. He also couldn’t leave his siblings to do the work and end up getting hurt. He said, in his own words, “As much as I don’t want to go on this mission, my siblings and I are a team. If we’re all gonna make it out alive, we have to fight through this mission together.”

You couldn’t help but continue to question him. “But Ben, it’s just—“

“Y/N, you know I can’t just NOT do it.” He interrupted, “I-I-I can’t let down my family or be a coward. I want to be a hero too.”

“But you’re my hero, Ben!” You exclaimed, “Can't you see that?”

His dark almond eyes glimmered back at you as he stood up from your desk chair and walked across your bedroom. Without even hesitating, you met him halfway and threw your arms around him, grasping tight onto his body.

“Don’t you dare go, Ben.” You said, muffled into his shoulder. “Don’t you dare.”

“I’m going to come back, I promise.” He murmured into your hair,”I’m going to make it back and you’ll be the first person I’m going to see.”

You felt him wrap his arms around you tighter. God, his hugs were heavenly. Even when you were young, naive, and on the brink of falling in love, Ben was your savior. His hugs were warm, his smile was so beautifully bright, and he cared about you like no one else ever has. How could a person be so kind? So thoughtful or so amazing? You were baffled. Ben had you convinced that someone so selfless and compassionate existed.

But little did you know, that night was the last night you would ever see him again,

As he was climbing down from the top floor where your bedroom window was latched open, the sixth Hargreeves child looked up and gave you a thumbs up, “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Tomorrow, right?” You called back.

You spotted his bright smile in the night as he nodded, “Tomorrow.”

And little did you know, you wouldn’t be seeing him tomorrow. Little did you know, you’d hear a knock on your door that next day on that rainy afternoon and find a young Klaus standing out in the rain with tears blending in with the teardrops that streaked his grief-ridden face.

You couldn’t even get a word in. Before anything could come out of your mouth, Klaus suddenly broke down like you have never heard before and slumped into your arms as if all the life in him had violently been sucked out. He was wailing. It wasn’t even the wail of pain, it was the wail of heartbreak.

Everything changed that day. Your best friend had lost his brother, and you had lost your best friend.

Everything around you seemed to come to a grinding halt. Your whole world suddenly froze. Time froze, your heartbeat froze, your breathing froze. You felt as if the world around you was pushing you into a corner with a force so strong that you just had to let it happen. Oh god. Ben was gone.

Ben.

Gone.

Dead.

Ben.

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” You remember him saying.

Lies.

He lied.

“I’m going to come back.” His voice echoed once more in your head.

It was all a lie.

Ben.

Why’d you lie?

Your legs beneath you refused to hold you steady any longer. As lightning struck the sky, you pried away from Klaus and sank to your knees. Klaus dipped to your level and cupped your face. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. It just happened. I couldn’t stop them. They just killed him.” He weeped, “They just killed him, and killed him, and killed him!”

The thunder clapped over the sound of Klaus’ angry weeping and your sobbing. You clutched onto Klaus as if he would leave you too. You couldn’t bear pulling away.

It was as if the thunderstorm got wind of your pain, it grew stronger, but for some reason, it seemed weaker than your pain. The sound of your heart breaking overpowered the ringing and clapping of lightning and thunder.

_______________________

It had been a week after you had discovered that Klaus could see and talk to Ben. You were a bit worried when he hadn’t come by the past week to simply say hi, so you called the Hargreeves household to see if he had stumbled over there sometime within the past few days.

“You’ve reached the Hargreeves household,” a familiar intelligent voice on the other line spoke. You smiled softly to yourself.

“Hi, Pogo, it’s Y/N.”

Over the light static of the phone, you heard him gasp happily, the joy in his voice ringing alive, “Ms. Y/N! It’s been so long, oh I do wish you’d stop by more often. How have you been?”

“I’ve been alright, thanks Pogo. You haven’t seen Klaus by any chance have you?” You asked, tugging on the thick telephone wire.

Pogo hummed into the receiver before stating, “Ah, Master Klaus did stop by this morning. I’m afraid he stole all the tea bags to help with his sobriety.”

You nodded to yourself. What was he up to?

As soon as you said goodbye to Pogo, you quickly planned to go search for your friend in the various places he’d hide across town. As you were grabbing your coat, your door flew open revealing a much cleaner cut Klaus with a small box of tea bags in hand.

“Y/N, my dear!” He yelled, “I am SOBER!”

You quickly threw your coat over the sofa and rushed to close your front door before anyone down the hall could reprimand you for the noise. “My god, Klaus, yell any louder and I’ll get a warning from my landlord!”

He frowned at your reaction and threw himself into a chair in your kitchen, resting his chin atop the palm of his ‘Hello’ hand. “Wow, Klaus, I’m so elated to hear about your sobriety! I knew you could make it after a long and strenuous journey! Gee, I love you!” He sang quite sarcastically.

You felt yourself smile. “Come here, Klaus,” You said holding out your arms, “I’m proud of you.”

He jumped to his feet and flung himself into your arms. “Yay, thanks mom!” He sang, before pulling away, “Now, schnell! I like the way you make my tea, I brought you a whole bunch of packets to pick from.”

“Damn, Klaus, making me your maid now?”

“Always.”

You chuckled as you began shuffling around your kitchen. You set a small ceramic tea pot on the stove (given to you by Klaus) and began boiling some water.

“Hey speaking of your landlord, have you ever even seen the old man before?” Klaus wondered, sliding back into a chair.

You shrugged, focusing on the tea bags you started soaking in the water. “I’ve never seen him before..” You stated unsurely, “Actually, I think he is a she if I recall from the neighbors.”

You passed him a little mug and poured him his tea that was still piping hot. “Careful,” you mumbled.

“Mm, danke.” He smiled with satisfaction.

You sat down next to Klaus and poured yourself your own cup of tea. Before you had taken a sip, Klaus had downed his so fast and began on cup number two.

“Klaus.” You piped up quietly, “I want to talk to Ben.”

Your best friend’s eyes shot up from his mug. A confusing little glint sparkled in the iris of his eyes. You knew he was fully sober and fully prepared to talk to Ben. He didn’t have to conjure him, no, that’d take too much effort that’d end up exhausting him of his energy. No, you just wanted to say the things you wished you could have before he died. You just wanted to tell him that you wished you could have had more time with him, more time to love him.

“Well, say what you wish, Y/N,” Klaus said with a smile.

“Anything?” You muttered weakly. Your best friend nodded. “Anything.”

It had been about seven years since Ben died, and you missed every bit of him. Sure, you were both young, but he was special to you, and you were special to him as well. He was your best friend. You both were on the brink of young love

“Can you tell him I miss him?” You whispered, moving to sit next to Klaus.

Klaus nodded without hesitation and turned to his right, as if Ben was sitting there. He opened his hands and gestured as if saying, “Well?” To whoever (Ben) was sitting there.

“Hear that, old sport?” He said with a slight chuckle.

Klaus turned back to you with a smile and a slight shine in his eye. “He says misses you more.”

You couldn’t help but laugh and cry at the same time.

“Ask him—“ you took a deep breath, you stuttered, “How are you?”

Klaus laughed and turned back to you, “Besides being dead..pretty good.”

You’re laugh sang beautifully through Ben’s ears. It was so great to hear it again, to hear a laugh that he caused. Wow, he missed it.

You had spent almost the entire night just conversing between Klaus and Ben. It was like the brothers were having their own conversation again, and you were a part of it. You were actually talking to Ben...well artificially. Nevertheless, you couldn’t believe it. You wished you could see him, though. There was nothing more in the world you wanted to do than to see Ben and his smooth eyes and bright smile again. That thought alone brought you this strange sense of peace, as if you had been missing it ever since he died. Finally. Peace.

_______________________

Weeks after that encounter you asked Klaus every now and then if he could send messages to Ben or at least turn around and tell him something.

Klaus knee how you felt about his brother and to be frank, he wasn’t bothered by it. He knew that you and Ben had been much closer before he died. As much as Klaus hated to admit it, Ben’s death was the catalyst to your friendship. When Klaus would experience light stints of sobriety, Ben would scold Klaus for being so reckless with himself.

“She needs you, Klaus.” Ben’s voice would echo throughout his brain. “Promise me you’ll do your best to just...watch over her?”

Klaus knew he owed it to his little brother. You meant the most to both of them. As long as he always stayed by your side, he knew things would be okay because Ben was there too.

Today, Klaus was supposed to pick you up for breakfast because he was craving waffles again. Not eggo this time, however. But he was ten minutes late, which was expected.

Suddenly, you heard a loud pounding on the door that made you jump. That wasn’t the knock of Klaus Hargreeves, but of an absolute stranger.

You carefully made your way to the door and looked through the peephole. A short lady stood just outside, donning a well-pressed suit and a crisp haircut.

“Y/N L/N?” She attested, “It’s your landlady.”

To your relief you relaxed a little and cracked open the door a tiny bit. “I’m sorry are you here about the noise a few nights ago, I promise it wasn’t—“

She shook her head, “Oh honey, no I’m just here to discuss your contract with us. Mind if I pop in for a moment?”

Oh. Um. Alright.

She pushed the door open before you could and slowly swaggered her way in. She took a quick glance around the living room and the kitchen before turning back to you. “Cute setup.”

You chuckled nervously. “Oh, thanks. What’d you say your name was again?”

Her head whipped around, eyes locking with yours, and her bob swaying to the motion. “Cha-Cha. It’s Cha-Cha.” You nodded with a quiet ‘oh’ falling from your lips. Her sharp manicured nails grazed her throat.

“Do you mind if I ask for a glass of water? I’m quite parched actually, then we could get down to business.”

Taken aback, you nodded quite unsurely. “Oh, of course, how rude of me. Is it alright with you if the water has lemon in it? I always have a jug filled for a friend.”

Cha-Cha shook her head as she took a seat at your kitchen table, where Ben had sat that night. “Lemon water is even better,” She grinned with a tight smile.

You took out two cups for her and yourself, and slowly poured the water in. You had expected to meet and converse with your landlady in a much different setting. It was strange to see her, a woman you had just met, sitting in your house as if it was some normal occurrence. But then you thought to yourself, “If I want to keep living here, I have to at least be respectful to her.”

When you put the jug back into your refrigerator, Cha-Cha motioned for you to sit, so you obeyed. She held up her glass of lemon water and smiled that tight smile she had given you earlier. “Thanks, darling.”

You awkwardly returned her smile and put the cup to your lips, feeling the tartness spill over your tastebuds. You downed the whole thing in one go out of nervousness and exhaled.

Cha-Cha just stared at you, a contemplative expression painting her face as she just studied you.

Your insides suddenly felt strange. It was like your entire body was shutting off part by part. Suddenly, you couldn’t breathe. It was as if your throat had sealed itself shut. You coughed, you gasped for air, but nothing helped.

“Wh-wh-wh-a-a-t.” You sputtered helplessly.

You thought you might burst. Your brain suddenly switched itself into emergency alert. Pushing yourself out of your chair, you staggered over to the kitchen sink, almost dry-heaving. Tears pricked your eyes. Oh god, what was happening to you? You felt so strange. So helpless. So. . .weak.

“It worked like a motherfucker.” You heard Cha-Cha say behind you. Your brain forced your head to turn around to spy Cha-Cha on the phone completely ignoring your ineptness. “Hazel, it’s done, she’s dyin’.”

“Yeah, I’m looking at her right now! Poor girl can’t breathe!”

“Honestly, I feel bad for having to kill her, she was sweet. But, if you let me be honest again, I’d say this is the best way to go. I’d rather not see a sweet girl with a bullet in her brain. Handler said her death was important to the timeline, but like, I don’t see it?” She spoke aloud as she looked around your apartment. “She’s so. . .normal.”

Excuse me?

Your body gave out from underneath you and you fell to the cold and tiled floor. Everything in you was contracting, like a strong bond paper getting crumpled up by strong hands.

No.

Your landlady, or whoever the hell she was, deceived the fuck out of you. You saw her tall heels click toward your near-lifeless body and moved the hair from your twitching face.

“There, there, sweetheart, just a few more seconds and it’ll feel like you’re going asleep.”

One-Mississippi. Your eyelids slid shut.

Two-Mississippi. Your nerves shut down.

Three-Mississippi. Your heart slowly stopped pumping.

Four-Mississippi. Your body rested itself on the cold linoleum floor.

Five-Mississippi. Cha-Cha spoke into the phone before hanging up.

“Let the Handler know it’s done.”

_______________________

A bright white light was what you woke up too. Your body felt light, almost like you were floating. You opened your eyes to find nothing but whiteness that surrounded you. Your whole body was still intact, that was made certain, but you weren’t all there. Was this heaven? Limbo? Purgatory?

You didn’t know what you were facing, all you knew was that you were laying down. So you sat up, and felt the entire ground beneath you suddenly collapse as if some sink hole sucked itself into the earth.

You were falling, until you twisted your self around you found solid ground again. Your entire body felt numb, you looked down to suddenly find yourself in your day clothes rather than a bleak flash of light. You were in your apartment again, but this time, you felt different. You felt numb. You felt cold. Your heartbeat was still. You were dead.

You were dead.

Oh my god, you were dead.

Poisoned.

Murdered.

“Oh my god, Y/N!” You heard someone scream from the other room. There was a clatter, the sound of stumbling, and a sob you will eternally recognized. “Oh my go—sweetheart—please wake up—look at me!”

Klaus.

You wanted to run, but god, in the state of limbo your body somehow moved slower than ever.

“Klaus!” You cried out.

If your heart was still beating, it’d probably stop. The sight before you was too heartbreaking to bear. There laid your dead body and your glass of lemon water fallen at your side. Klaus was kneeling next to you and had scooped you up into his arms, clutching you like a ragdoll. That familiar wail rang incessantly in your ears, it was a sound that will forever haunt you--even in death.

Your mind flashed back and forth between the time Ben had died. That unfateful day when Klaus threw himself into your arms, wailing like a boy who had just experienced heartbreak. It was that all over again, except, you weren’t there to hold him. Instead, he was the one holding you.

“Y/N, please, wake up!” He cried, “Oh god, don’t leave me too, please don’t leave me, Y/N, please, please, please!” His entire being shook against your lifeless body, the commotion was unbearable.

You felt your fragile body crumble on the inside. You backed away from Klaus.

“I promised him, Y/N, I promised him I’d always be there for you!”

He couldn’t see you.

Suddenly, as if he had been standing there the entire time, Ben stood over Klaus, donning a black hoodie and leather jacket.

“Ben?” You whispered.

The look on that boy’s face when he saw you on the ground in Klaus’ arms would tell you that he had experienced a heartbreak just as painful as Klaus had. He tried to speak, but nothing came out.

“Oh god, oh no.” He muttered between inescapable breaths.

“Y/N..” He breathed, stumbling over to you. “No, no, no.”

He moved toward you, walking straight through Klaus who was still sobbing on your apartment floor, but his muscles abruptly gave out and he fell to his knees the moment you started walking toward him too.

“Oh god, Ben.” You cried, feeling the tears blur your vision.

He cupped your face and tried suppressing his sobs, to no avail. “You’re not supposed to be here, Y/N. You-you’re supposed to be a-a-alive.”

You nodded vigorously, trying to calm him down, “I know, I know. But I’m here, I’m here, Ben, it’s okay!”

“No!” He cried suddenly, “It’s NOT okay! You’re supposed to be living and breathing and having a good life! Do you not realize how amazing it was to watch you grow up through Klaus? I wanted you to grow up and live a life I never got to.”

“Ben, it’s not my fault!” You grieved, “I-I don’t know what happened. One minute I was waiting for Klaus, the next thing I knew I was gasping for my life, I-I-”

“You’re not supposed to be here.” He continued to sob, “This isn’t right. We have to fix this.”

He stood up to face Klaus, but you grabbed his hand and wow had it been years since you held his hand in yours. “Ben, you can’t do anything about it anymore,” You said gently, “I’m already dead.”

Ben couldn’t help himself from breaking, looking from the lifeless you in Klaus’ arms to the you that was a mere spirit grasping his hand.

You whispered to him once more, “I’m already dead.”

_______________________

You and Ben both watched from the side as the rest of the Hargreeves siblings charged into your apartment. Allison was who Klaus called, and the first to arrive on the scene. Second came Five. With an effort, he and Allison pried Klaus away from your body as Diego, Luther, and Vanya followed suit with paramedics.

“Grace. .” Klaus whimpered, “Get Grace.”

Allison just shook her head, even she knew that the magic touch that Grace contained couldn’t help you now. You were far from gone.

Ben held your hand throughout the entire ordeal. You both looked on silently as your body was wrapped in a dark bag, as Klaus was escorted out by his brothers, as Allison cleaned the mess that was left sitting out in your house, and as Vanya was the last one to leave, shutting your lights off.

When you heard the door click shut, you sank onto your sofa, feeling Ben’s weight shift next to you.

“I can’t believe this is happening.” You whispered out of the blue.

Ben only responded with a sympathetic look and pulled you into his side by your waist. You shut your eyes tight and leaned your head against his shoulder, you were reunited with your best friend, but at the cost of another. Life really wasn’t fair. It so wasn’t fair.

“Ben?” You murmured.

He only hummed against your head, his arms still holding you.

“How long were you able to watch me?” You wondered, “Y’know..through your brother?”

A soft smile formed across his face as he pulled away from you, “I used to be able to watch you a lot before Klaus started, yknow, losing his sobriety. Every time he’d get drunk or high, I couldn’t speak to him...literally.”

“But?” You interjected.

He smiled, “When he’d be sober, it felt like I was sober too? Does that make sense?”

You giggled. “Kind of? So basically if he was fucked up, you were fucked up too?”

He shrugged, “Basically.”

You couldn’t imagine living a life incapacitated, let alone dead. You have no idea how Ben was able to put up with all of this all these years later. After a moment of pensive contemplation, you stood up abruptly and walked away from Ben. Ears ringing, eyes suddenly watering, and hands running anxiously through your hair.

“I’m so sorry, Ben.” You muttered through hazy breaths.

You felt him place his hand at the small of your back, facing you with a look of concern, “Y/N, why on earth are you apologizing?”

“You spent all this time..all this time just stuck in limbo watching everyone around you grow up and live their lives, where you just became a sudden memory, don’t you realize how unfair—“

Ben shook his head, “Y/N, you don’t get it. Yeah, I spent all this time in limbo, yeah I watched everyone live their lives but damn they were living lives I never got the chance to. Hell, I was watching you live. It was the most beautiful thing ever.”

He took your hands away from your face and replaced them with his.

“You have no idea what it’s like to fall in love with someone all over again. Even when you’re a whole world away, it’s like I’m still seeing you in real life. You never leave, Y/N.” He stated, “People might not always see you, but you’re there, you’re always fucking there.”

He took a deep breath and cupped your face, “I was always there with you, Y/N, I never left. I never stopped loving you.”

You closed your eyes and nodded. Ben leaned forward and planted a small, warm kiss on your forehead.

“Kiss me for real.” You murmured before he pulled away.

“What?” He asked quickly, somewhat taken aback.

“Just kiss me for real.” You said with certainty, “Don’t keep me waiting any longer than I already have.”

Ben only smiled in response and didn’t wait another beat. Once again, he leaned forward, but this time, you met him halfway and stood on your tiptoes to reach his lips. He embraced you into his arms as you wrap yours around his neck.

It was the kiss that put pieces back together. It was that gentle and fulfilling kiss where you reunited yourself with your best friend and love, all in one.

Ben.

_______________________

Epilogue:

Klaus lay in his bed only staring at the ceiling. He had just gotten back from your funeral, his tie was loose and his hair was all disheveled. His bedroom door was locked, Tears for Fears was playing in the background at max volume, and a thick blunt was rolling around in between his fingers.

If he didn’t inhale the roll of marijuana and pollute his system once more, he would be hitting a sobriety streak of two days. But god, there was a dire need of release that itched through his body.

“Don’t do it, Klaus.” A mere whisper swished through his brain.

“Go away, Ben!” He strained, closing his eyes in frustration, “Let me grieve.”

“We’re not going to let you grieve alone,” A familiar voice joined.

Klaus quickly sat up, the blunt suddenly rolling away from his fingers. “He-He-hello?” He sputtered.

“Klaus.” Both voices suddenly said, but much louder this time.

“Who’s there?” He spoke, jumping to his feet.

And in the blink of an eye, both of his best friends appeared before him, side by side, hand-in-hand. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of his beautiful friends.

His eyes had finally glinted with the happiness he had lost in months. He reached his hands out, almost laughing with joy.

“Oh, my beautiful friends.”

Authors Note: WOW that was a whole-ass NOVEL, if you made it to the end, i love u and u are my favs, props to you for sticking it out lmao. ANYWAY, to the anon who requested this, I hope you liked it! This one’s for you, I had a blast writing it (although it had me stumped at some parts, but it was a fun challenge)

#the umbrella academy imagine #the umbrella academy fanfiction #ben hargreeves #ben hargreeves x reader #klaus hargreeves #klaus hargreeves x reader #ben hargreeves imagine #klaus hargreeves imagine #the umbrella academy imagines

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3ndoftheline · 7 years

Text

Will You Stay?

Bucky x Reader

Summary: Don’t let go of him. He needs you. He wants you stay, but he doesn’t know how to say it.

Warnings: Angst, all that good shit, it’ll end with a sort of cliffhanger idk i like to call it an interpretive ending but whatever floats your boat, also the obvious language warnings and mentions of baby buck not being okay :-(

Word Count: 9.1k (i’m SORRY)

Author’s Note: so, again, thank you to my inspo tag bc I saw this quote and it’s been churning in my head for so long but I’ve never had the chance to actually sit down and write it. This literally took me a full year to write so let’s see how it goes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also this could possibly go into a part two if you guys want it. I have an idea for it but if people want to use their imagination to create their own ending then by all means! Anyways, feedback is more than welcome and please leave requests; I’d love to see what you guys want to read :)

It’s funny how easily someone’s world can come crashing down. How easily the bright colors that once painted your world turn to an ashen gray within a few short minutes. It’s sickening that love can raise you up to the sky and show you the world and the beautiful blues and golds of the sky. It’s intoxicating how drunk you feel off of the beauty and the glory of having it all, of seeing it all. How warm you feel, how weightless and limitless, like you’re the air. Twisting and turning, light and free. Young and spirited, wild and reckless and untamed.

Poets, authors and painters convey love with the prettiest words and the lightest shades of pink and yellow and white. They romanticize the fall, the moments before the leap and how wonderful it feels when you finally do.

What they never tell you about is after the fall.

When you land. When you hit the ground so hard you feel yourself slip away for a little bit, your head spinning and you’re grasping for that feeling to be light again. They never tell you about how tight your chest is and how much it fucking hurts, like you’re bleeding yet desperately trying to sew yourself back together at the same time.

No, they never tell you about after the fall. Because where’s the romance in that? Nobody wants to write about the hardships, the pain and emptiness. Nobody wants to look at a painting splattered with red and black and the darkest purples. Where was the beauty in that?

There was no beauty. There was nothing to put on a pedestal, nothing to turn into a pretty picture with a smiling face. All that is left are cracked smiles and bruised knuckles and whispered hopes of trying, begging for an answer. There is no beauty in stained cheeks and watery eyes. There is no romance in a broken chest and empty lungs.

Beauty is pain, perhaps, but pain is not beauty.

Pain is not painted with flowers and rich silks and velvet trim. Pain is lurking in the shadows, the silent master that waits patiently for its turn to remind you that beauty is not everything, that love is misconception, confusion and a liar. Pain is the reality that you refuse to believe in when you’re suspended in the clouds.

And how stupid was I, how naïve I was to believe I could escape reality. That I could live in my pretty little painting. Idyllic and serene and fashioned perfectly to what I wanted. Created by my own fantasies and selfish heart, my pretty little painting. My perfect world. Gone, without a warning and without a sign.

Beauty is pain, but pain is not beauty. And how I wished I had realized that sooner.

I stared at the wall; the blank white wall was all I saw. I focused on the chipped paint and tried to regulate my breathing.

The apartment was quiet. Deadly silent, not even my own breathing could be heard.

A loud clang of a coffee mug meeting the edge of the counter jolted me from my sleep. The string of curses that followed forced my eyes open as I tried to curl deeper into the mattress. Sleep seemed to evade me as the strong scent of crushed coffee grounds filled the apartment, followed by a low whistle that didn’t follow a tune but was catchy in its own way.

I stayed in bed until the heavy footsteps and continued whistling drew closer to the bedroom.

“Good morning,” a deep voice broke through the last of the drowsy haze that covered my eyes. I ran my eyes over the low slung sweatpants and loose gray shirt, the scoop neck revealed the slight swell of his pecs. When I finally met his piercing blue gaze, my heart stuttered wildly in my chest and judging by the smirk on his face, he could hear it.

“Hi,” I answered in a soft voice, completely anticlimactic but it was all I could muster. He chuckled and bent down, pressing a soft kiss to my temple. He brushed the hair from my neck, the warm skin of his palm elicited goosebumps over my arms.

“I made you coffee,” he murmured as his thumb traced my jaw.

I hummed. “I know, I heard you.”

He winced and I couldn’t help but laugh as I sat up, letting the comforter slide from my shoulders. I crossed my legs as I took the coffee mug from the bedside table and took a tentative sip, careful of the steam that curled from the rim. His hand slid from my neck to my shoulders then dipped beneath my shirt to trace my spine. I watched him, amazed how the sun light reflected in his eyes and how warm his skin looked.

“Will you stay?” I whispered as I glanced at the clock. He usually had to leave me early in the morning, most of the times before I woke. It was rare for him to stay past nine. I was lucky if he even stayed until nine.

He smiled, soft and apologetic as he kissed my lips briefly, humming that silly little tune under his breath.

“Only for a little bit,” he replied but I nodded anyways. I took what I could get it. So we sat as I drank my coffee and chatted aimlessly, stopping every now and then for a lazy kiss. He made me laugh so hard I spilled coffee onto the white sheets of the bed, but I didn’t care. I saw it as another memory, a little reminder.

And when he took my mug back into the kitchen, he was still whistling that tune, quietly but it reverberated throughout the apartment until the birds outside were singing along too.

There was no whistling now. No humming. No empty coffee mugs and no chatty birds. There was nothing.

I turned my head away from the wall and immediately my eyes fell to the droplets of coffee, still stained on the sheets of the bed. They hadn’t gone away, no matter how many times I washed the sheets. But I hadn’t minded then, I had liked knowing that they would always be there. The faint coffee smell always sent be back to that morning, that little slice of heaven. Now it seemed to be taunting, reminding me of everything good that I had lost.

“I’ll kill him,” a voice spoke from the doorway. I chuckled, but it was humorless.

“No, you won’t,” I whispered. I tried to take my eyes away from the drops of faint brown, but I couldn’t. I could feel his lips on my forehead, temple and lips. I could feel the giddiness in my stomach and the fluttering in my chest. I felt it all.

“No, you’re right.” There was dip as the mattress moved to accommodate the extra weight. “That would be too easy. We need a better plan.”

I smiled but it felt wrong. There was a flash of red in my peripheral as a head came down to rest on my shoulder. A sigh rattled through my body as a fresh wave of tears threatened to consume me again but I fought them. I wouldn’t cry. Not again.

“I’ll be fine, Nat.” It sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than I was trying to convince her. Perhaps I was.

“Sure you will,” her voice had an easy confidence to it, something I wished I possessed. “But you’re not fine now. And that’s okay.”

I shook my head as I shrugged her off and pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes. “What a way to end the week,” I chuckled bitterly as my palms became slick with tears. Natasha laid a gentle hand on my back and was silent. She didn’t try to assure me that everything would be okay, that the world would answer my prayers that this day would end and the next day would be better. She knew. She knew how easily fate switched hands.

She knew what I knew, except she accepted it long before I did.

I gripped my umbrella tightly as the rain pattered against the polyester, the cool air bit at my cheeks as I waited at the crosswalk. It seemed the white man would never appear, just the harsh red hand telling me to stop. I sighed and tucked myself tighter into my coat as I allowed my eyes to gaze out to my surroundings until the fell upon a flower shop that acted as a coffee shop too. The faint scent of coffee and buttery scones caused a harsh ache to flourish in my chest.

“Jesus, how much sugar do you take?” He raised an eyebrow at me as I sat idly in one of the wrought iron chairs. The air was clear and the sun was strong as the bustling streets of Brooklyn seemed like an afterthought as I stared at him.

“Enough to make me happy,” I shot back. He shook his head but I could see the smile across his face as he made his way back to the counter to get me more sugar packets.

“You know this shit is fake, right? This isn’t what real sugar tastes like.”

“Excuse me. Did I judge you when you tore through that whole pack of gummy worms last night? No. So let me use my fake sugar in my coffee.”

He smirked and handed me the pink packets. He sat down and picked off a piece of blueberry muffin and popped it into his mouth. He was beautiful. Mahogany hair pulled into a loose bun as his strong jaw worked at the muffin. I hid behind my coffee cup to hide my blush as the sweetness nearly burned my throat. Perfect.

“Wait here,” he said as he abruptly stood up. I didn’t even have a chance to question him nor remind him that I couldn’t go anywhere since he was my ride. Instead, I waited while I sipped away at my coffee and people watched. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when I heard a distant pair of footfalls become louder. I turned my head and saw him walking towards me, a single rose clutched in his left hand.

“For you,” he murmured. My heart nearly fell out of my chest as I gasped softly. He normally didn’t do romantic gestures. He wasn’t a hearts and flowers kind of guy. Any sort of affection I got was behind locked doors where no one would see but us.

I took the flower, afraid if I reacted to quickly the moment would shatter. The faint scent tickled my nose and I couldn’t help but smile. A hand cupped my cheek gently, his thumb brushed over the rise of my cheekbone. It was fleeting, it was quick, but I felt the burn for hours after.

“Will you stay?” I whispered, staring into his bright blue eyes and begging for a different answer. His smile was forlorn as his eyes flickered to the rose, then to me.

“Only for a little bit,” he murmured then took the empty sugar packets in his hand and turned on his heel to throw them out.

And just like that, the moment was gone. Nothing but a memory and a rose to remind me that it was real.

I turned my head away, cursing the burn in my eyes. It had been two weeks since I had last cried over him and I refused to break that streak. I was finally doing better. I finally buried the pain deep enough so that it didn’t matter anymore.

The red hand changed to the white man and the crowd around my pushed me forward, leaving the memory behind me as the dismal rain pattered against my umbrella.

I moved four months after he left. The apartment was too suffocating; too much of him was left. Every time I stepped outside the streets of Brooklyn reminded me of him. I couldn’t turn a corner without seeing something that made me think of him. When my job had an opening in Boston, I pounced immediately and without a second thought I told my landlord I was leaving that month and paid the last of my rent.

“I wish you weren’t leaving.” Natasha frowned as I zipped up my suitcase, having to sit on the top due to the amount of clothes I had managed to stuff inside.

“Hey, it’s not forever,” I assured her as I rolled the suitcase out to the living room. “It’s like, a two hour ride in the jet, if that. I’m sure you’ll find some way to stop by after every mission.”

“He misses you,” she whispered and I froze as my heart crunched painfully in my chest.

“Nat, don’t.” I stalked into the kitchen and began to close the boxes filled with plates and cups.

“I know he’s why you’re leaving,” she murmured as she followed me. I recoiled like she had stuck me with a hot iron. “I know the job in Boston is good, but you don’t have to go. You don’t have to leave.”

“Yes I do.” I turned to face her. Her eyes regarded me with a soft sadness that made my mouth dry and my throat clench. “There’s nothing here for me, Nat. I came to Brooklyn for him. He’s gone. There’s no reason for me to stay.”

“If you just talked–”

“Natasha,” I finally snapped. I cursed the break in my voice as I turned my face away.

She sighed reluctantly and walked forward. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just – I don’t want you to leave. You’re like my sister, y’know?”

I smiled and felt a surge of gratefulness for her and flung my arms around her. She stiffened but relaxed a bit as she wrapped her arms around me. “I’m not far. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“I know. I’ve tried.” She smirked as I feigned offense. And just like that, the playful atmosphere returned but neither of us could ignore the taste of bitterness that tinged the air around us.

Mornings were not my thing. They weren’t something I avidly wanted to be a part of, especially on the weekends. So when some unseen force woke me up at seven on a Saturday morning, I was anything but happy. Yet, sleep evaded me and with a frustrated groan, I kicked off the covers and made my way into the kitchen. When I turned on the light, a scream forced itself out of my mouth when I caught a glimpse of the figure sitting at the breakfast bar.

“Hey,” the voice said, unphased and I immediately clutched my chest as I glared at the shadowy form.

“What the fuck Steve. Couldn’t you have knocked?”

Steve shrugged as he leaned forward. His blonde hair was limp against his forehead and his skin was paler than normal. “Didn’t want to wake you.”

“Oh, so sneaking into my apartment is your next best option?” He shrugged again and I rolled my eyes. “You Avengers need to learn a thing or two about privacy, Jesus.” Scowling, I stalked to the cabinet and pulled out a mug. “Coffee?”

“Please.”

I pulled out another and went to my Keurig and powered it on. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure?” I asked as I stopped by the refrigerator to grab the creamer.

“Nice place you have here.” Steve ignored my question as he glanced around my apartment. “Boston suits you.”

I nodded as I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out his play. “Yeah, I love it here. It’s peaceful.”

His eyebrows flickered up before the settled back down and he stared at the Keurig. He looked haunted. I frowned at his gaunt expression and turned to the Keurig and inserted Black Silk and slid his cup beneath the spout and pressed a few buttons and soon coffee was pouring into his cup. I knew how he took his coffee I had made it for him only how many times at the Facility. As soon as the coffee finished, I added creamer and one sugar before stirring idly and slid the mug to him.

He nodded his thanks and wrapped his hands around the mug. I saw the slight tremble to his fingers as he gripped the ceramic and I frowned again.

“Steve,” I murmured. “What’s going on?”

He flicked his eyes up and seemed surprised for a moment. “I forgot how perceptive you are. Bucky always loved that about you.” I winced at his name and immediately turned my head to the floor. Steve sighed and set down his cup and rubbed a hand over his weary face. For the first time, he looked his age, 98 years old and tired of the world. “Something’s happened. Things aren’t so good…at the facility,” he muttered and my blood ran cold. I gripped the edge of the counter as I struggled to remain composed.

“Is Natasha–?”

“She’s okay, it’s not her,” he assured me quickly and I visibly relaxed. “She wanted to be here but she had to stay.”

I furrowed my brow as I stared at Steve, my brain turning to try and keep up. “What happened? Why couldn’t she be here?”

Steve swallowed as his shoulders hunched forward. “She had to watch Bucky.” His voice was so quiet I could barely hear him.

“Watch Bucky?” His name felt weird against my lips. It was the first time I had spoken his name in months and automatically I felt something stir deep inside me. “Steve, what are you trying to tell me? What’s going on?”

Steve stared at the creamy liquid inside his mug. When his eyes finally met mine I was shocked at the pain that swam in the blue irises. “Bucky…he’s lost it. He, I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”

My heart shattered for Steve as I saw the hopelessness weigh him down and gray his features. “Steve…” I whispered softly.

“He’s just…he won’t eat. He won’t sleep, he won’t talk to anyone. He hasn’t left his room in two weeks. Nothing I say matters. It’s the…this is the worst episode he’s ever had. I’ve never seen him like this in my life.”

Tears pricked my eyes as I rounded the breakfast bar and collected Steve into a hug. He didn’t relax. His shoulders still tense but he let me rub his back. “I’m so sorry, Steve. I am.” I sighed softly as I pressed my cheek to his hair. “I don’t know what to tell you Steve, you know how he gets. There’s nothing you can do, nothing any of us can do.”

“Yes there is,” he whispered and pulled back as he stared at me. Instantly, I knew what he was going to say and I began shaking my head.

“Steve–”

“Please, listen. Please,” he begged. “He needs you. He’s not…he hasn’t been the same without you.”

I shook my head again, this time more adamant. “He doesn’t need me,” I whispered.

“He does. He’s…he does, believe me, please.” Steve sighed and carded his hand through his hair roughly. “I can’t…I can’t help him. I can’t say anything, I can’t do anything. But if you…if you could just see him, just talk to him. Maybe–”

“I’ll make it worse.” My voice was hollow and it didn’t sound like me. “I promise Steve, I’m the last person you want there.”

“No, goddammit,” Steve growled as he glared at me, years of pain burned in his eyes. “Don’t you see? He’s not…he’s not Bucky. He’s pretended that he’s been fine but he’s not.”

“Steve–”

“Don’t abandon him, please. Don’t. Not now, please.”

“Abandon him?” I laughed. It was humorless and empty as I backed away from Steve. “He’s the one who left me, Steve. You don’t…you have no idea what he said…”

“Hey,” I called out when I heard the front door open. “I’m making dinner, hope you’re–” My words died in my throat when I heard the dorm slam shut again, the force shook the apartment. I froze and listened as heavy feet stormed from the door into the kitchen. I turned and saw his face, brooding and dark and I knew it was going to be one of those nights.

“How was training?” I tried. He ignored me as he strode to the fridge and ripped open the door nearly taking it off its hinges. He peered inside then scowled heavily before slamming it shut again. He didn’t offer me a glance as he stalked out again. I sighed heavily as I stirred the pasta and put the lid on. My first instinct was to run after him but I knew that wouldn’t do me any good. When he got in these moods, the only thing I could do was give him his space until he calmed down enough to come out.

I ate dinner by myself and stowed a plate for him in the microwave. I cleaned the dishes and went through a movie before I looked at the clock and realized it was past ten and he still hadn’t made an appearance. With a resigned sigh, I steeled my nerves and approached the bedroom door. Slowly, I creaked it open and found him lying on the bed face up. His hands clutched the sheets so tightly I could see the tears in the fabric and the whole room crackled with tense energy.

“Bucky,” I murmured. “Your dinner’s cold.”

“Don’t care,” he muttered and I tried not to flinch. I hated when he got this. Angry at everything but most of all, angry at himself.

“Yes you do,” I said as I closed the door behind me. I stepped forward until I could sit down on the bed, careful to keep my distance. “Bucky, what’s going on?”

“Nothin’.”

“Please,” I whispered. “I hate seeing you like this.”

Bucky laughed and I looked up. I wished I hadn’t. There was so much anger trapped in his blue eyes it made my skin crawl. “And what, you think I like being like this? You think I enjoy doing this?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know that,” I protested. He snarled as he sat up and the sheets tore with him.

“Then what did you mean? You hate this part of me? Is this not good enough for you? Sorry love, this is who I am. Can’t always please you, can I?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Forget it,” he snapped as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and clutched his head in his hands. My heart cracked in my chest as I watched his shoulders shake from the tremendous weight that constantly threatened to suffocate him. “You can’t fix me. I can’t be saved,” he muttered.

“Bucky, I don’t want to fix you. There’s nothing to be fixed.”

“Bullshit,” he spat. “You know damn well I’m as fucked up as anyone. That’s why you’re here. You want to help me, make me better. Change me. I can’t change, can’t you see that? Can’t you understand?”

“I don’t want you to change, can’t you see that?” I met his eyes as I begged him to understand. “I want to help you, please, let me.”

“Help me?” He scoffed. “Help me? You can’t help me, you don’t understand. You’ll never, ever understand.”

“Then help me understand,” I shot back as I leaned forward. “Let me in, please Bucky. Don’t try to do this yourself, please.”

“You don’t get it,” he sneered as his upper lip curled. “You come from a perfect fucking world. A perfect fucking family, white picket fence and everything. You’ve got your perfect fucking friends and your perfect fucking job. You don’t know a thing about what I go through, you don’t know jack shit. Stop pretending you understand because you don’t.”

I gaped in silence as his words lashed out like a whip, scalding over my face. “You don’t mean that,” I whispered.

“You think so?” He growled as he stood up abruptly, his blue eyes like ice as he vibrated with anger. “You think I need you? You can’t do anything for me, you’ve never been able to help and you never will. I don’t need you, I’ve never needed you.”

“Bucky, stop,” I pleaded. This wasn’t him. This couldn’t be. I’ve never seen him this angry, never in my life.

“Fuckin’…you know what? Forget it.” He whirled around and stormed out of the bedroom. I sat in shock, my eyes wet with tears without even realizing it. I listened as the door was thrown open and winced as it slammed shut and shook the apartment. In the silence that followed, I crumpled onto the bed and gripped the holes he had made in the sheets as I tried desperately to control my breathing.

It’s not real, he didn’t mean it. It’s just a dream, it’ll be okay, I thought to myself like a mantra but the more I said it the less I believed it.

“Will you stay?” I whispered into his pillow as tears burned against my skin.

The silence that followed was the only answer I needed as I finally let the sobs rack my body.

“He needs you,” Steve whispered and I shook my head. I knew I was crying, I couldn’t help it. The memory of the night burned like a fresh burn.

“Believe me when I say this, he doesn’t,” I whispered as I backed up against the counter. The Keurig was hot behind me but I ignored it.

“He keeps asking for you,” Steve said and I closed my eyes at the fresh pain the flared in my chest. “Every time…every, every day. He always asks for you. And then – we have to tell him that you’re not there. And he just…he just breaks and I don’t know what to do.”

“He doesn’t know what he’s saying,” I whispered as I looked at Steve. “You know that, when he has his episodes he’ll say whatever comes to mind.”

Steve shook his head adamantly. “Not now. He begs for you, he needs you. Please, don’t let him go. Please. He needs you, he misses you so much.” He held his hand up when I tried to interrupt and I reluctantly kept it shut. “I know, I know what he said. He told me and so did Nat. He hates himself for it, every day he blames himself for making you leave. He’s scared. He’s so scared and he doesn’t know what to do but he needs you. Please, don’t let him go. He just…I know what he said and I know it hurt more than anything. But don’t give up. Not yet.”

I was really crying now and I furiously tried to wipe my eyes as I shook my head. “Steve, I…I can’t, you know I can’t.”

“Is there anything I can do to make you say yes?” Steve leaned forward and just the look on his face made me want to climb onto the quinjet. “Please. He’s my best friend…I can’t, I hate seeing him like this. You’re the only one who made him better.”

I bowed my head and watched as my tears splashed against my leg. “Steve…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I can’t do anything. I know he says he needs me but…you don’t understand, he doesn’t…it’s not like that anymore. Maybe…maybe I’ll come when he’s calmer, when he’s out of his episode. But not now, not when he’s so vulnerable. I can’t do that to him, I can’t.”

Steve sighed and nodded gravely as he stood up and set his mug into the sink. He turned to me and enveloped me into a strong hug, a hug I hadn’t realized I needed until I was in it. I took in a shaky breath as Steve squeezed my shoulders. “You’re the only one he’s ever truly loved,” he whispered and my chest cracked open as I held back the hard sobs. He stepped back and gave me a sad smile and I could see in his eyes that he was trying to understand. That walking away right now was the last thing he wanted to do. “Please…think about it. That’s all I ask.”

I nodded and watched as he turned his back and disappeared out the window, the distant purr of the quinjet was what I heard before I sagged against the kitchen counter and cried harder than I had over the past six months.

It had been two days since Steve had come to my apartment and our conversation was all I could think about. I tried to move on. I tried to shake off his words. But they were like a mantra in my head that never went away.

He needs you.

He’s my best friend, please.

You’re the only one he’s ever loved.

He needs you.

And the more his words repeated in my mind, the more my resolve began to crack until finally I found myself purchasing a plane ticket and arriving at New York.

I approached the facility late at night, the lights still blazed despite it being close to midnight. With a sigh and fear clenching my insides, I strode through the front door and walked up to the security desk. The security guard was flicking through the CCTVs with a bored expression when I approached him.

“Sorry miss, no visitors at this hour,” he drawled as he kept his gaze fixated on the computer screens.

“I’m…um, I’m here to see Captain Steve Rogers?”

“No visitors at this hour,” he repeated again, monotone. I sighed and gripped the counter to hide my frustration.

“I need to see Steve Rogers. It’s important.”

“No visitors at this–”

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” I muttered as I whipped out my cell phone. The guy didn’t even acknowledge me as I dialed Natasha’s number.

“Romanoff,” she replied in a brisk voice though I could hear the exhaustion that dripped behind the cold voice.

“Nat, it’s me.” I eyed the guard as he still dutifully ignored me. “I’m here, at the facility. Where are you?”

“What?” There was a sudden commotion through the speaker before her voice returned. “I’ll be there in a minute, don’t move.”

I ended the call and glared pointedly at the security guard who didn’t even move, his finger clicked on the mouse every interval of three. Some security I thought wryly to myself before I heard the elevator ping and out stepped Natasha. She looked exhausted, her hair was knotted and the bags beneath her eyes were a dark purple as she practically ran towards me.

“Hi,” I said once she stood in front of me. She nodded in greeting, her face grim.

“C’mon, he needs you,” she said in a stiff voice and I could tell she was barely holding it together. I followed her into the elevator and she pressed the button marked 35. Bucky’s floor.

“Nat,” I murmured in the quiet elevator. “How bad is he?” I knew Steve told me he was bad, but Steve had a tendency to overdramatize things especially when it came to Bucky. I wanted to make sure that what Steve told me was in fact, the truth.

“It’s good that you’re here,” she whispered. It’s all she said, but it was enough.

I nodded and swallowed thickly. “Are you monitoring him?”

“Full surveillance.” Natasha confirmed as the doors slid open and we stepped onto Bucky’s floor. “We have to.”

“Shut it off,” I whispered. Natasha was about to protest but I silenced her with a hard glare. “If I’m going to talk to him, it’s going to be just me and Bucky. He deserves his privacy. I’m not going in there until video and audio is cut off. I’m serious, Nat. I’m going to talk to Bucky as a friend, not as a psychiatrist. We don’t need to be monitored.”

Natasha nodded bleakly and squeezed my hand tightly. “Be careful,” she whispered before she disappeared down the hallway. I waited and calmed my churning stomach as I clasped and unclasped my hands in front of me. Two minutes later I got a text from Natasha.

Surveillance cut. Be safe, please.

I pocketed my phone and strode towards Bucky’s door. My hand hesitated in front of the keypad before I shook my head and steeled my nerves. I punched in the familiar code and the doors slid open.

Inside, everything was clean. The bed was made and everything was set within a specific place – nothing out of order. All of the picture frames were gone; the candles I had used to rid the metallic scent of blood were nowhere to be seen. The comforter was replaced with a dull gray quilt.

There was no color, no life.

Everything was too neat. There were no creases in the bed spread when I knew before he couldn’t have cared less how the blankets looked I was always the one who made the bed. The frames were gone but I saw the marks on the bureau from where the corners of the frames had hit too hard and chipped away at the stain. I could still smell a hint of the lavender candles I always used to light but it was overwhelmed with the scent of beech wood like he had done everything in his power to rid the lavender from the room. There were cobwebs laced in the corners of the room and when I looked down I saw cracks in the tile. I wondered how hard his fists had hit the floor to make those marks. The couches all had covers over them but as they fluttered in the air of the heating I could see the pockets of fabric missing from where he had ripped out chunks of the upholstery.

The entire room was set up to make it seem like he was fine when he was really anything but.

I turned my head and jolted when I saw Bucky staring at me. He stood in the doorframe of the bathroom seemingly frozen in place. His clothes were clean, his shirt pressed and his jeans free of grease stains. His hair fell loose around his face and his eyes were bright and wide.

“Why are you here?” His voice was rough, like he hadn’t used it in weeks and I flinched at the sharp hostility in his tone. I knew this was a bad idea, I knew it. My sudden burst of confidence was dwindling fast and I tried vainly to grasp onto it. I turned my head away and swallowed thickly.

“Uh…I just, wanted to…I don’t know. Um, I just wanted to see how you were, I guess. But if you want me to go then I’ll, I’ll go–”

“Wait,” he broke me off as he leaned on the balls of his feet. “Sorry, um, you just…surprised me, I guess.”

I nodded slowly as I rocked back on my heels. “Yeah, sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

Bucky nodded again and gave me a soft shrug. There was a pregnant pause and I opened my mouth to make my escape but Bucky beat me to it. “Um, sit, please.” He mumbled, pointing to the armchair facing the window. I chewed on my bottom lip before I relented with a sigh and walked forward, clutching my bag to my chest. Bucky sat on the loveseat that was before the TV.

“So,” I broke the silence once I sat down, “how have you been?”

Bucky shrugged, still not huge on conversation. It reminded me when I first met him. He barely spoke a word to me. It was like he didn’t know me, all over again. “You look good,” he muttered, completely dodging my question. I sighed inwardly as I subconsciously touched my hair.

“Yeah, well, you know. I’m trying. All in a day’s work, right?” I attempted to joke but I knew it fell flat. He wrung his hands together, spreading them apart then clutching them back together.

“And how’s that going for you?” His voice was empty, as if he was steeling himself for an answer he didn’t want to hear.

It was my turn shrug. “I dunno, seemed to have fooled everyone.”

“Everyone?” He murmured and his eyes finally met mine. The icy chasms took my breath away even now.

“Yeah,” I breathed out. His face was expressionless as he looked away. “So…you seem to be doing good.” I nodded to the bed with a small smile on my face.

“Of course I am,” he bit out. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

I winced, his words like a hot knife through his chest. Of course he was fine. He was the one who left me. Suddenly, everything Steve said flew out the window. Bucky never needed me. Just like he had said.

“Yeah,” I mouthed. “Right, of course.”

Bucky shook his head and I saw anger twist his features. “Why are you even here?” He stared at me, his eyes dead. My breath rattled in my chest as my mouth formed no words. After several heartbeats of silence Bucky shook his head and stood up, storming to the bathroom. The door rattled in the doorframe when he slammed it shut and I winced at the sudden sound.

“I don’t know,” I whispered into the silence. Hot tears formed in my eyes and I willed them to go away with a tight squeeze of my eyelids. I refused to cry again. I was done crying over Bucky Barnes. There was obviously no love lost with him, it was time for me to realize that. When I opened my eyes, my vision was blurry but I forced myself up with a staggered breath. With soft steps I pushed open the door and shut it quietly behind me. I looked up at the security camera that I knew was trained on Bucky’s door. Where I knew Nat and Steve were watching. I gave a small shake of my head, pressing my lips together as a fresh wave of tears flooded my eyes. My legs willed me towards the elevator and somehow my body followed.

It was almost mechanical, my actions, like the voice that spoke to me in the elevator. Once the doors closed I leaned against the cool walls hoping the cold will bring back some semblance of thought. I used the trip down to the ground floor as a way to gather myself. “Let him go, let him go,” I kept repeating to myself, like an endless mantra. I figured if I kept saying, eventually I’d believe it.

The ground floor was dead; the security guard had seemingly decided to leave the desk unattended. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head as I strode purposefully towards the revolving doors, repeating the three words in my head.

A sudden crash interrupted my train of thought as I nearly jumped ten feet in the air. I whipped around and saw the door that led to the set of the stairs plastered to the opposite wall, the hinges creaking slightly. Bucky emerged from the destroyed frame as he ran towards me, skidding to a stop before me. He was barely panting even though he had just launched a vibranium infused door into the next century.

“Don’t…don’t go,” he grated out, his voice so rough it sounded like sandpaper.

“What?” I managed to pull my gaze from the doorway to him. His eyes were slightly crazed, blown so wide I was worried they would pop out of his head.

“Don’t leave, please. Please…stay, stay.”

I gazed at him in shock, wondering if I was looking at the same guy as I slowly began to shake my head. “I, uh…I think I should go.”

“No,” he sprung forward when I took a step back and froze in place. “Please, please. Don’t leave me. Not yet, not now. Please.”

I kept shaking my head as my legs unfroze and took two more steps back as I began to turn away from him. “I can’t, I can’t,” I repeated. I willed my voice not to break as I stumbled back, nearly tripping over my own feet. Bucky was quiet as I nearly sprinted to the revolving doors, my heart cracking against my ribcage. I almost made it, my hand outstretched to the handle when he spoke.

“I didn’t mean it.” Four words, spoken so softly but they reverberated throughout the entire room. “I…I didn’t mean, what I said. I never meant it.”

I couldn’t turn around. I couldn’t face him just yet. “Why did you say it? Why? Was it just to – to hurt me?”

“Yes.” I winced at the single word that cut through my heart. It was like the final nail in the coffin, the reminder that I didn’t matter.

“Right,” I muttered, shaking my head. “I have to go.”

“No, no wait,” Bucky began pleading behind me as I pushed the glass panel before me. The door began to turn and just as I was about to reach the exit, the door suddenly screeched to a halt and my face nearly went through the glass. I peeled my face off of the glass and whipped around to see Bucky’s metal arm holding the door back.

“Let me go,” I demanded as I slammed my shoulder against the glass. It didn’t even budge. “Goddammit Bucky, I am going to suffocate if you do not let me out.”

“I need you to listen to me.”

“By trapping me?” I nearly screeched. “God, what else do you want with me? Do you just want to hurt me some more, really destroy my self-esteem? Because honestly, I think you have done enough.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” his voice was fierce but I scoffed and nearly laughed in his face.

“How else could you possibly mean that, Bucky?” He bowed his head but didn’t say anything. He was dead quiet. I shook my head and slammed my hands against the glass. All it did was shudder. Tears pricked my eyes as my throat constricted. “Do you like seeing me like this? Is that what this is? Is this some sort of fucked up game for you?”

“What?” Bucky gasped. “God, no. It was never–”

“Then why?” I yelled, stepping three feet to the other glass panel that confined me. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because you know,” he whispered and I just gaped at me. A few moments passed as I waited for him to respond, to elaborate in some way. But he didn’t.

“Know what, Bucky? What are you talking about?”

“You just know,” he repeated, the plates in his arm rippled as he gripped the handle harder. “You…you look at me, and you know. You don’t have to ask, we don’t have to talk, I don’t have to say anything and you just know. One look at me and it’s like you just…get it and no one has ever done that before.”

I blinked at him before I raised my hands up in defense. “You know, this might just be me, but isn’t that what people want? Someone who knows the other one? I really thought that was something good in a relationship.”

“It is, it was one…it was good. But it – it terrified me. Nobody has known me like that in…decades. Steve used to, but even now he doesn’t. But you…you, who has no idea what I’ve gone through. You’ve never held a gun in your life, you just know. You understand me like no one ever has and it scares the shit out of me. Because I’m so used to saying the right thing, to acting a certain way to make sure I wasn’t noticed. But you just…God you just see right through me no matter how hard I try to keep you out.”

“So…you said all of those things…because I know you?” I stared at him in disbelief. It was ridiculous, even for Bucky. I found it so hard to believe him. Suspicion began to grow in my stomach as I narrowed my eyes at Bucky. It was then that I realized he hadn’t looked at me. Throughout his whole speech he couldn’t even look my way. “Bucky,” I prompted. “Look at me.” He ignored me and I nearly exploded. “Jesus, the least you could do is look at me. At least give me that.” Seconds ticked away before Bucky finally tore his gaze from the ground and met mine. His eyes burned with an emotion I couldn’t pinpoint, but it was something so strong it nearly knocked my breath away. “What aren’t you telling me?” I whispered. “What are you trying to tell me?”

Bucky shook his head as a small chuckle left his mouth. “This is what I mean,” he murmured, “you see right through me.”

“Then can you please explain what I’m seeing? Because it makes no sense right now.” Bucky seemed to shrink away at my voice. He carded his fingers through his hair while my gaze flickered over his body. He was wound so tight I worried he’d crumble right in front of me. “Please,” I whispered my voice softening as I took another step forward. “Tell me.”

Bucky shook his head. “I can’t…I can’t.”

“Why not? Bucky…why?”

“Because it doesn’t make sense,” he hissed. “It shouldn’t…it shouldn’t be like this.”

I stared at him in confusion, trying to piece together his vague words. “Okay, okay,” I spoke to mostly myself but I knew Bucky heard. “You don’t have to tell me, that’s okay. Just, uh, explain, yeah. Explain to me what’s going on.”

Bucky sighed and dropped his head to his chest as if he was suddenly exhausted. His broad chest expanded as he took in a deep breath and I tried not to speak. I swallowed thickly and took a step back, to give him space though really he had enough.

“I don’t know…I don’t know how.” He began and I held my breath, afraid if I breathed too loudly I’d scare him. “It’s like, everything was a blur. I was okay, I felt, I loved, I knew what happiness was, I knew guilt and sadness. But it’s like nothing ever stuck, I just kept cycling through these emotions. And I, I always thought that if I ever met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I’d have to lay all of the cards on the table. I thought I’d have to have this great intervention with the drama and the fanfare and the tears and everything.

“But then…but then I met you. And I didn’t have to explain anything. You just looked at me and smiled. And the way you look at me, it’s like I’m all you see, y’know? And I’ve never…that’s never happened before. Even on my worst days, you never wavered. You just held me and let me be me. I never had to worry about being Bucky or James or…him. I was just who I wanted to be and you…you loved me all the same. And I saw it, how much you loved me.

“I’m not…I’m not a good person. I know I’m not, but you don’t. You refused to believe it no matter what people told you, no matter how right they were. It’s like you didn’t care and you should because I’m…I’ve done bad things. And it scares me, it scares me that you can love me so unconditionally and I can’t even give you a fraction of that because I’ve done so much, I’ve done such terrible things that loving you can hardly make up for anything. And I tried, I tried so hard to make things right with you. To try and be good for you. But you saw through that too, you saw through it all and God it scared me.

“And I knew the only way for you to see, to understand me, was for you to hate me. Only then would you let me go. And I didn’t want…I never wanted to hurt you. And I know I did, I know what I said hurt you in ways I never wanted to imagine. But you just…you saw too much. You saw too much and you knew too much and you loved so goddamn much and I can’t give you that. I can’t give you the love you deserve, I can never give you that. But you don’t…you didn’t get it. And I tried to make you see it but you…didn’t so I had…I had to make you see.”

His voice broke at the very end, a sob wrenching through his clenched teeth and my heart nearly broke in two. His breath was ragged, as if what he had just told me equaled climbing Mount Everest.

“So…” I finally spoke as my mind struggled to wrap around what he said. “You don’t love me? Is this…is this the point? I love you but you don’t love me.”

“No, God, no.” Bucky shook his head as he carded a hand roughly through his hair. “Don’t you see? I love you too much. I love you so goddamn much it hurts. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. But that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t…it’s just, it’s not right.”

I narrowed my eyes at him as I crossed my arms. “Do you see a judge anywhere? Are we in some sort of Congressional meeting I’m not aware of? Is there a jury sitting at the security desk right now?”

He furrowed his brows. “No.”

“Awesome. Then what the fuck are you trying to prove and who the fuck are you trying to prove it to?” I glared at him as I spoke. Bucky opened his mouth but I was too angry to stop. “You know what Bucky, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. Your past is fucked up. What happened to you is so beyond fucked up I can’t understand and I most definitely never will. But it’s exactly that. You’re past. You need to move on because I’m pretty sure everyone else has.”

“But–”

“Do not interrupt me.” I jammed a finger at him and he automatically shut his mouth. “You’re so goddamn immersed in your past you’re too blind to see what’s happening right in front of you. And you’re right. I did love you. I loved you so much that sometimes I don’t even think it’s real. Some nights I stay awake just to make a list of ways to prove to you how much I loved you without ever saying it.

“But fuck you. Fuck you for deciding who I love, or how I love, or when I love. Fuck you for not letting me prove it to you and not seeing it when I tried. Fuck you for never sticking around long enough and never showing that you cared. Fuck you for breaking my heart and leaving me to pick up the pieces afterwards. Fuck you for not staying.”

I was panting by the time I finished my rant. Everything in me buzzed as the adrenaline coursed through my veins. Bucky was silent as he stared at me, unmoving. I had never yelled like that before in my life and I was positive Bucky had never seen me like this.

“I’m–”

“Don’t,” I snarled. “Don’t you dare say you’re sorry.” I shook my head and turned away from him, my stomach rolled and twisted uncomfortably. “God, I’m so mad at you. I’m so fucking mad.”

“I know,” he whispered. “I know.”

“Good,” I shot back. It was childish but I wasn’t about to let him get the last word. But as soon as I said it I felt a wave of exhaustion rush over me and my shoulders dropped in response. With a heavy sigh I rested my head against the cool glass in search of relief but found none. “What do you want from me Barnes?” I finally whispered.

“I want a second chance.”

I scoffed under my breath. “Second chance? I gave you too many chances. You had more than one opportunity to stay. You chose not to.”

“Fine,” Bucky acquiesced. “Give me one more chance.”

“Right,” I said bitterly. “What’s going to be so different about this one? You’re going to tell me you love me and then leave? Won’t that be the icing on the fucking cake?”

“Let me prove to you that I love you. This time, for real. No more running, no more games. I swear to you I’m gonna be there this time.”

I turned my head to the side and watched the moonlight dance on the steel beams of the door. “I don’t trust you,” I admitted honestly. I could feel the walls locking in around my chest, protecting me from whatever he said.

“I know,” he repeated. “Give me a chance to win that trust back.”

“That’s two chances, Bucky. You said one.”

“A chance to win your trust and another to prove that I love you, and that you love me too.” I turned to face him, about to give him a snarky remark but the moment I saw his face my voice died. He was open, raw, vulnerable. His eyes shimmered with unfallen tears and his gaze was so intense I felt as if I was drowning. “Please.” Just one word. But it was loaded with so much sincerity and desperation I couldn’t find it in me to say no.

“Okay,” I finally relented and his face utterly transformed. A glimmer of hope shone in his eyes and he immediately stood up straight. “This is not a yes,” I immediately snapped as I glared at him. “This is just an opportunity for redemption. But we go my pace. Whatever I say goes. You so much as cross a line I swear to–”

“I know.”

“And you’re not kissing me. Or touching me. Unless I say so. I’m serious Bucky, no funny–”

“I know.”

“This does not guarantee anything either. If I’m not happy or I don’t believe you then I have every right to–”

“I know.”

I scowled angrily at him as I placed my hands on my hips. “Do you know everything?”

“No.” He shook his head. “But I know you.” I forced the scowl to stay on my lips despite the smile that threatened to shine through.

“Right, of course you do,” I grumbled.

“So,” he smiled that million dollar smile that made me weak in the knees the very first time I saw it,

“Will you stay?”

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