#it's so fucking heartbreaking. he's such a good dog

[ineed-to-sleep]

One of the cruelest things in this world has to be having to choose between your pet's life and paying your bills

#my aunt's akita has a cancerous tumor #and you would not believe the price of each chemo session #my aunt is a firefighter and a single mother raising a 13yo daughter #the price of each chemo session is almost her full salary #and he's gonna need many #she said he's fine for now and not suffering and the only thing she can do is pay for the euthanasia when the time comes #it's so fucking heartbreaking. he's such a good dog #I thought well maybe she could ask for donations but it would take so many donations just to pay for 1 session #and then what about the next ones yk? #what is she gonna do. get a loan and sink herself further into debt? she's already trying to pay for a house #it's just. not viable #sleep.txt #I have no idea how to process this yk I watched that dog grow up #he's always been my aunt's baby. I hate to think she's gonna lose him to something like this

[sanremengoni]

.

#it's so hard it's so fucking hard my heart is breaking etc etc #i knoooow that he has bad days and better days and today is just. a bad day #but seeing my dog like this... it's honestly heartbreaking #and i know it's the winter so hopefully things will get better come spring #arthrosis and cold and all #but things have just gotten... so bad so quickly #and i never really had the time to adjust #or get used to this #and i try to have a good attitude and some days i am doing okay #but today is one of those days where it just hits me in the face punches me in the throat etc etc #damn

[writterings]

denji from chainsaw man is so fucking funny as a character concept. he's an orphan. he worked for the yakuza. he kills demons. he lived in an unheated no electricity no running water and no bed shack in the woods alone since he was a kid. his only friend was a demon dog with a chainsaw in its face that took over his body after the yakuza dismembered him. he's obsessed with boobs and would do anything to feel some up but never even thinks to touch a woman without her consent. he's being sexually groomed left and right by women much older than him and he has such a childlike view on sex and love that it's so heartbreaking to see him so earnest and trusting with these literal work superiors of his that use his sexuality against him and only see him as a weapon. his best friend threatened to kill him several times and even attempted to do so but they're still chill. he eats flowers. the only things he cares about in this world are eating good food, sleeping in a nice bed, and eventually being able to have sex. he still misses his dog that's possessing his body. he's even illiterate. and chainsaws pop out of his head and arms. character of all time.

#csm #chainsaw man

[h4m1lt0ns]

HEARTBREAK SYNDROME.

episode eight :: GOOD DAYS

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ pairing ︴max verstappen x ex!y/n (barely), multiple x y/n

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ genre ︴social media au

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ summary ﹔it’s a good day to be y/n, to be a y/n stan and a red bull hater.

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ face claim ﹔ wonyoung jang (28)

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ warnings ﹕ hot dilfs, none.

y/n

♡ liked by alexandrasaintmleux, lewishamilton and 6,204,305 others.

y/n singapore gp ft. george stealing my phone and queen alexandra doing god’s work 😮‍💨

tagged: georgerussell63, alexandrasaintmleux, carmenmdundt, pierregasly, charles_leclerc, danielricciardo, landonorris, carlossainz55, mercedesamgf1

comments on this post have been disabled.

y/n

♡ liked by lewishamilton, charles_leclerc and 9,294,293 more.

y/n ‘is there someone else/starry eyes’ 🎬 mv & behind the scenes are both out now 💐 had the absolute pleasure and honour of working with my closest best friends and literal soulmates on this one and they looked like princesses ⭐️💗 can’t be happier than this 🫧 love u to death!!! directed by me btw >:)

tagged: francisca.cgomes, carmenmmundt, alexandrasaintmleux, lilymhe.

5,394,294 comments.

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#f1 x y/n #f1 fanfiction #f1 smau #f1 x reader #f1 x you #carlos sainz x reader #charles leclerc x reader #lewis hamilton x reader #lando norris x reader #daniel ricciardo x reader #max verstappen x reader #pierre gasly x reader #jenson button x reader #mark webber x reader #sebastian vettel x reader

[entername322]

Someone like you

Chaewon (ex Izone, Le Sserafim) x Male Reader

Length: 17666 words

TW: Abusive relationship

Next part

Pain, that's all you can say about yourself. Why does falling in love always have a risk of heartbreak? Sometimes you wonder if the risk outweighs the gains. For your particular case, it doesn't, it never has. “...... and then I came home to see him decorated the whole place with flowers and candles. Isn't he so romantic?” Right, flowers and candles, you know where that was going. “Yeah, that sounds great Chae”, It felt like your heart was being plucked out of your heart and set on fire. Why is your love stronger than your heart, if only your love breaks before your heart does. “He's so romantic sometimes, I love him so much-, Awwww”, Her cries of pain distract you from the twisting feeling your chest feels.

“I'm sorry Chae”, You steady your hands and continue stitching her wounds. “It's fine, thanks for this Pup, I owe you a lot”, You cringed a little hearing her nickname for you. “Chae we're both grown up now can you please stop calling me that?” It's a cute nickname, which only hurts you more realising that this is as far as you can get from being with her. “No, you will always be the cute little puppy”, Yes you are, who's a good puppy? The guy who keeps simping for his crush even after she's been in a relationship for a year now. It's you by the way, you're the good puppy, so loyal to your master. “There, all done, now just the bandages”, A good puppy who has graduated from medical school, hey that means you can take care of your master even better now. “Is it really okay for you to do this for free?” What dog would ask their owner for money? Alright let's lay off the dog jokes, you're still lame by the way.

“It's fine, they're cheap”, Even if they aren't, you wouldn't charge her anything right? “Thank you, I really mean it. I don't know how I can even repay you pup”, Chae grabbed your arm, her warm palm felt like a red hot iron that scorched your skin. “Yeah, it's fine. It's my job to care for people's lives after all”, You tried your best to smile at her, to show her you're doing this out of the goodwill of your heart. “You're just so, kind and stupid sometimes. If only he can be more like you”, She muttered the last part but it was loud enough for you to hear it. It fucking hurts, so fucking painful hearing something so ignorantly brutal. “So, how's work? Everything is fine in the hospital?” If Chaewon noticed your pained smile then she doesn't show it. “Nothing interesting is happening so far, although there's an offer for a transfer. I haven't read much about it but it will be a year long ‘voluntary work’. It's not fully voluntary though because we're gonna get paid decently, and we're gonna be working with a few other volunteers from all over the country”, Chaewon tilted her head curiously, “Are you gonna take it?” You were surprised to hear her words. It caught you off guard so you didn't get to hear a little hint of anxiousness in her words.

“I don't know, it's interesting”, Maybe that's what you need, a time away from your crush. “Oh, I'm sure you'll do great in it”, Chaewon smiles encouragingly, which only hurts you even more. Honestly, what were you expecting? Did you think she would ask you to stay here? Tell you how much she needs her and doesn't want you to leave? Come on bro, she's not like that. “Yeah, I was thinking about taking it”, You didn't really mean that when you say that, however seeing her genuine encouraging smile made you really consider it for real. “Well, I need to go home, thanks again for today pup, I owe you a lot”, Chaewon stood up with a smile on her face ready to leave. “Yeah see you later Chae”, You just sit there watching her leave your place while a storm is brewing in your mind. 

“Fuck”, You muttered to yourself, completely unaware that Chaewon is also cursing herself once she left your house. “Goddamnit pup why do you have to leave. You idiot”, The stinging pain in her arm is gone, covered with the sour mood she felt in her heart. “It's been years already and you're still waiting for me”, Oh, she does notice your feelings it seems. Of course she does, the two of you have known each other for years now. The memory of your meeting plays very differently between you and Chaewon's mind. For her she remembers how clumsy and cute you were, stumbling over your own words, overdosing on teenage hormones because of talking to a girl. For you it was an embarrassing attempt at making a friend on your first day of highschool, something that would keep you up at night with cringe.

“Idiot”, She kicked a can on the road out of frustration, but it's not enough so she started stomping on it with the hope of burying down the guilt that's building inside her. It's not that she wanted to use you, but…… she's just busy, or so she thinks. Her boyfriend, uhhhhh his name is irrelevant, is a hassle to deal with. She loves him, he's kind and caring and honest and cute and kind….. it's just sometimes he loses his tempers. Sometimes he would, lash out and accidentally hurt her, but he never meant to do so. It's getting better now (It's not) his outburst is getting less frequent (Pretty sure the ideal and normal frequency is 0) and he always tries to make it up to her (With empty promises and lies). 

Chaewon stops stomping on the poor can and just stares at the sky, finally realising it won't help erase the guilt she's having. On her defence she wanted to help you get over your crush for her. She cares about you, and she wants what's best for you. She wanted to introduce you to her friends, let you fall in love with someone who will love you back. Sometimes she thinks about a future where you date someone else, then you and her can be platonic friends, a brother from a different mother. It's just that, when her boyfriend got mad, and she got hurt, she can't run to the hospital because they would pester her about it. She can't run to most of her friends or family because they would also pester her, you're the only one who can help her. You were, the only one who would enable her. Young people, they're so dumb sometimes, both you and her included.

“Haaaaa, why can't we just be friends”, Chaewon sighed, she's not blaming you for your feelings, it would be hypocritical for her to judge someone's feelings when she's being chained by her own feelings. When you told her about the project she wanted to say don't take it, she wants you to stay here, to help her. Thankfully she recognises how selfish she is, and encourages you to leave, to get over your own feelings. It hurts, it feels wrong, seeing you break away from your feelings. Perhaps she yearns to have the courage to break free of her own chains. “I'm back”, Chaewon put on a smile as she got back to her place, “Welcome back babe, how was your day”, Of course for now she can only put on a smile and let herself fall deeper into the abyss.

“Are you sure? You know it won't be an easy trip right?” It's been a week since that talk with Chaewon, and today you are finalising your proposal of joining the volunteer work to your boss. “I'm sure sir, beside…… I need some time away from this place”, Is running away considered a solid reason for joining a harsh voluntary work? “Hmmm, well, if your only reason for taking this job is just a getaway from whatever shit you're dealing here, I suggest don't”, You flinched hearing your boss. “I think I can handle the job boss”, You tried to sound tough, “You know, I always pity you”, That's kinda harsh. “You are a good guy, smart and very nice. You're just too nice I sometimes hope you didn't get scammed and used by other people”, Yeah that sounds kinda familiar alright.

“I want to try something new. I think I can handle the work, and it might help me too”, If you say that with a little more conviction it would sound cool you know. “Haaaaa, youngsters with their self-finding journeys”, He shook his head and signed the form, “Comeback here, in one piece”, A smile form on your face before you quickly nod and bow to him. It's odd, you don't exactly feel excited about it, but you don't feel scared or disappointed about leaving everything behind, you're just numb to it. “Stop daydreaming and prepare the other documents you need”, Your boss slammed his hand on the desk waking you up. “Ahhh right, thank you boss”, He shook his head and sighed seeing your awkwardness, “I really hope you didn't get shot out there”, He's joking right?

After submitting the rest of the paperwork you went back home, had a nice call with your mom where she absolutely desecrated you with her words. “Are you insane? You're doing volunteer work in an active warzone?” Holy shit you are? “I'm not working in the warzone itself, I'm just a civilian mom. I'll be at the refugee camp, away from the battlefield”, That's the word you keep repeating to her for hours before she finally calms down. “Just, tell me it's not because of that Chaewon girl”, 2 hours and 16 minutes into the call your mom finally asked the right question. “No, of course not mom”, You can't lie to your mom, she's the one who teaches you how to lie to your dad. “Are you an idiot? Did I spend months carrying you around and 20 years plus feeding and taking care of you just to have you die somewhere because of a heartbreak?” Oooffff, why can't you be more like your mom?

“No mom, it's I think I-”, A knock on your apartment door can be heard, “Hey pup, are you there?” Speak of the devil. “Mom I'll call you later”, Your voice came off shaky and anxious, the time has come to test your resolve of running away. “Yeah, just a second”, Take a deep breath, calm your nerves and try not to lose your composure.

“What happened?” Come on now, you know what happened, “It's not a big deal, just a scratch”, You reached out and grabbed her face, inspecting her cheek. Chaewon smiles seeing your concerned face, you've always been awkward and shy around her, except when she's injured. When she got a scar you would just disregard your shyness just to make sure she's fine, it's a cute gesture she always likes about you. “I guess, it really is just a scratch”, You sighed relief seeing it wasn't a deep cut, then you realised how you are holding her and immediately let go as your face turns into a tomato. What happened to maintaining your composure?

“So?” Chaewon just tilted her head cutely, “Are you gonna invite me in?” That's a pretty ambiguous question, would you let her in again? “Right come on in”, You're hopeless sometimes. Chaewon sat down at your living room, silently noticing the packed up bag you had in your room. Her heartbeat rises as she realises what it means, some part of her wants to deny it but the other part knows that your leave was inevitable. “Tea?” She smiles and nods as you go and prepare her some of her favourite tea, of course you have her favourite tea at your house. “So, what happened?” You asked after giving her a warm cup of tea, “You know, the usual. He had a stressful day at work, I was also kinda tired from mine and we just clashed”, Usually the ‘clash’ that happens is between her and his fist.

“Well, you know what I want to say right?” Chae shrugged before she stood up and walk towards your cat, “Little Luna is getting fat aren't you?” Chaewon picked her up and started pinching her stomach. “She's gonna cut your face you know that right?” Chaewon laughed and sat back next to you while still holding Luna. “Well, I'm sure you trained her not do that right?” Her smile is such a deadly weapon to your conviction. “It's a cat Chae, you don't train them, they'll train you”, And to hammer this point Luna let out a loud meow and scratched Chaewon's hand. “Luna '', You scolded the fat cat as she jumped off Chaewon's lap, “Hehehe, one day I'll make her enjoy my cuddles”, Chae laughed as you examined her arm.

“We should clean this up”, It's really not that bad, it's just a little cut on the epidermis, “It's really not that deep bro”, You flicked her head and cleaned up her hand as she teases you for over your perfectly reasonable hygiene. “So, can I crash the night here?” Her question made you stop in your tracks, not because it caught you off guard, but because you know she only asked if things really went bad at her place. “Pup?” Chae was taken off guard seeing how quiet you've become, “Chae, I…… can't do this anymore”, She raises her eyebrow hearing you. “Do what?” You sighed and finished cleaning up her hand before sitting in front of her.

“I can't, keep letting you hurt yourself because of-”, You start talking without thinking and Chae immediately bites back, “Stop it, I don't want to hear that from you”, She felt awful for raising her voice but she really doesn't want to hear those things. “Well this might be the last time you ever hear it from me ever again”, You blurted out, making her heart stop for a moment, “What?” Her voice sounds squeaky and vulnerable. “Chae, I'm leaving”, Seeing her suddenly had glassy eyes made you second guess yourself. “For how long?” It's hard for her to accept it, “The volunteer work is one year long, but it might be longer since I'm gonna arrive early to have some field training”, You can't look her in the face, it's painful for you to see her so hurt with the notion of you leaving. 

The two of you sit in silence for a while, Luna moves to your lap and starts purring as if she realised you're having a tough time right now. “Is it-”, Chae’s voice broke and she took a second to calm herself down, “Is it final already?” Yet it still came out all squeaky. You didn't answer for a second, hearing her concern for your leave felt nice. It's a dangerous bait, she's giving a false hope that getting her is actually plausible if you stay here. “Yes”, "Oh you actually didn't take the bait, good job, “I already submitted the required paperwork and they already approved it. My flight is in 3 days”, In your mind, you just think Chaewon is trying to use you.

After all this time you finally opened your eyes and saw that she's out of reach, she was never going to like you the way you like her. Obviously you don't really see the complex feelings she has for you but hey at least you're taking a step in the right direction. “How long were you planning to keep this away from me?” Seeing her being aggressive made you feel bitter, you hate seeing her with this new lens. “I didn't know how to tell you, besides…… I didn't think you would care”, Suddenly Chae grabbed your face forcing you to look at her. 

“You're my best friend, of course I care. Just because I encourage you to go doesn't mean you should just leave without saying anything”, It's painful, finally realising that the person you care the most is inherently toxic. You're not saying that she's in a toxic relationship because she's also toxic, but she has certainly dragged you into one because she is selfish. Chaewon needs you, because you're the only one who would enable her Stockholm syndrome. “It's just…… I don't know if I can face you”, You pull back your head away from her grip and look back at Luna who's acting cute to cheer you up. “What was that supposed to mean? You can't tell your best friend for, 8 or 9 years that you're leaving? And you just want me to accept that suddenly you went missing without saying anything?” 

“Chae….. you know I liked you right”, Silence fills the room, you anxiously wait for her responses, hoping that somehow she can break the new image you had for her. Yet the silence was long and the curiosity you had is too loud to ignore, so you raise your head and look her in the eyes. She wasn't surprised, or confused, or angry, she just had the look of understanding, “I know”, Those words flowed out of her mouth. It was so quiet that it was barely a whisper, yet it echoed through you like a thunderclap. When the ringing subsided the only thing you can hear is the loud crash of your heart breaking into a million pieces. She knew, this whole time she knew about it and never said anything. Had she enjoyed watching you squirm and dance for her while your feelings laid bare like an open wound? Was it some cruel game to her?

Chaewon felt regretful, seeing your heart break right in front of her is tormenting her conscience. It's inevitable, yet she was not prepared for how painful it was for her as well. “I know, and I'm sorry I never said anything-”, Chaewon saw you stand up and stop talking. “I….. god, this whole time?” Tears start to flow down your cheek, “I never meant to use you, I just, don't know what to say to you”, Chae reaches for your hand, her touch sending shivers down your spine, but not the comforting kind like it used to. It feels calculated, manipulative, a stark contrast to the warmth you once associated with it.

Chae sees the disdain you had in your eyes and it made her scared. Scared of losing you, scared of seeing you lose your temper, and worst of all, scared of having to confront the consequences of her actions. “Pup-”, You pull back your hand making her flinch, “Don't call me that. You….. you like seeing me like that didn't you? Being a good puppy, chasing you around, wagging my tail like a loyal dog”, Your words came out as a thunderous roar that made her squirm in her seat. “No, of course not, please I'm sorry, can we talk this out first”, Chaewon reached out to grab your hand again before pulling you to sit back down. “I….. I can't, you're just…….. I….. this whole time…..”, You just keep muttering to yourself. “Please sit down, I'm sorry I messed up okay? Can you please hear me out first?” Chae pleaded as tears also started to pour down her face. Those tears, they're real, but not to you, you think you know better and managed to see through her ‘manipulation tactics’. You grabbed your phone on the table and just stormed off the apartment, running as far away as you can from her.

Chae wanted to stop you, to reach out and grab you, yet her vision is blurred and she can't even see you leave the front door as the floodgates burst open. She can't even hear you slam the front door as she starts to cry her heart out. Her actions can only lead to one outcome, and she knows the longer she stalls the confrontation the worse the fallout is going to be. Unfortunately in her delusion she hopes that one day you'll just let go of your feelings and everything will be good. Your apartment, once a safe haven for her, is now empty and devoid of your warmth. The ‘beautiful friendship’ built upon the unspoken words between the two of you has crumbled like a house of cards by a single gust of wind. Hours passed away before her tears finally dried out. Chaewon lay down on the couch devoid of energy, all she can do right now it's just text you hoping that you'll answer her. 

You on the other hand are being absolutely ripped apart by your mom, “You ran all the way here?” Her voice boomed around the house. “Haaaaa, Haaaa, haaaaa, nooo……” Your whole body is drenched by sweat, your mom's place is like a 30 minute train ride and you just ran there like a mad man. “You idiotic rascal, tell me what you did”, Your mom starts slapping you as you are dying from exhaustion. It took a while for her to calm down and give you a drink. Throughout your recollection of what happens your mom keeps the same expression, it was the ‘I told you so’ expression. Once you finished the two of you just sat there in silence, you wanted to say something but words just couldn't come out of your mouth. “Haaaaaa, go take a shower and get some rest darling, you're all sweaty and smelly”, You nod before going back to your childhood bedroom.

As you finish a long hot shower you see Chaewon has messaged you almost a hundred times already alongside a few missed calls. You just stare at the notification, too scared to open it. In the end your fatigue overtake you and you slowly drift off to sleep without reading her texts. The next day you silently join your mom at breakfast, she sees that you're not ready to talk yet so she just silently acknowledges it before giving you farewell as she went to work. The day passes by slowly,  it doesn't help that you were just laying down on the bed as you rethink what happened last night. Is Chaewon really a toxic bitch, or was she just a product of her environment. Are you seriously trying to give her a pass for what she did? Okay yeah she's your friend for years now and you've seen her slowly turn from this confident and unapologetic girl into a meek abuse victim. However does that excuse her behaviour of leading you on for years? 

No, I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. I need to hear what she has to say at least. One chance, after all I'll be gone soon and I might not be able to see her again for a long time.

Alright, if that's what you want, just know you might lose yourself in her eyes again. “Mom, I need your opinion on something”, That's not exactly a polite way to greet your mom when she gets home. However she nods and follows you to the living room where you recounted your dramatic talk with Chaewon. “Darling, look at me”, Your mom grabbed your hand, “You are being an idiot a hundred percent”, Jeez thanks mom. “But if she is as manipulative as you said she was then it's also not fully your fault. After all, you can't really blame a victim fully for being taken advantage of”, Hey that's not an encouragement for your stupid idea. “Yeah, you're right mom….. I guess a toxic environment would make toxic people right?” Fucking hell you're hopeless. “What? Are you letting this slide already?” Thank fuck your mom wouldn't let such stupidity pass, “No, I just…. I guess I want to understand why she did it. After all I'm gonna be away for a year at least and if I don't get this straight then I might spend the better part of my time being distracted by her”, That's not a convincing argument, at least not for your mom.

“ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? You just said she's a manipulative bitch and now you want to run back to her with the risk of you falling for her trap again?” It felt kinda nice, channelling the pain you're having in your heart with your mom's beating, however you should stop her before she accidentally kills you. “Mom, I just want to leave this place with some peace in mind, okay? Can you just trust me this one time?” The answer is no, but she took a deep breath before she examined you slowly. “I'll trust you just this once, how do you plan to meet her again?” Relief and determination washes over you seeing that your mom has agreed to let you have closure. “I'll text her tonight hopefully we can have lunch before I leave in two days”, Solid plans, surely nothing bad would happen. “Fine, now go order something for dinner, I'm starving”

You: Hey, sorry about yesterday 

Chae: Where are you? Why did you ghost me for the whole day? Do you have any idea how worried I was?

You: No sorry Chae I'm at my mom's house already. Sorry for running off like that yesterday 

Chae: It's fine, are you coming back?

You: Not today, I need some sleep to clear my mind.

Chae: Then, can we talk tomorrow?

You: I hope so. Can we meet up at lunch?

Chae: That would be nice, I'm sorry too.

You: Yeah, guess we were too hot headed last night 

Chae: Yeah, I'll see you back here at your place tomorrow then?

You: You're still there?

Chae: Duhhhh, you left with your keys dangling on your phone, what am I supposed to do? Leave the door unlocked so someone can break in?

You: Oh yeah, I forgot. I'll come by at lunch then, I'll see you tomorrow.

Chaewon has been spending the day with her mind full of anxiety. She's scared that you might do, something drastic. The fact that you didn't answer or even read her text made her think of the worst possibility. However when you finally reply she lets out a sigh of relief knowing that you're fine. Tomorrow, she has to apologise to you, she has to make sure you leave on a high note. If things go wrong and you leave before she can mend this friendship then the two of you would never recover from it. She can't let that happen, after all you're also an important part of her life. Even though it wasn't in the way that you wanted it to be.

You see, the thing about life, it has a humorous side. To whom might the humour cater to? Nobody knows really, but it certainly wasn't aimed at you and Chaewon. “Chae come home now”, Those words are the things Chae feared the most. After every fight her boyfriend has two possible routes he will default too. One, surprise her with gifts and romantic gestures to make sure she remembers how nice he can be. Second, he can double down and try to ‘reason’ with her by making her accept that his outburst is just part of who he is. Unfortunately, today he decided to take the second option, which means if Chaewon didn't comply there's gonna be a second fight. “Can I see you after lunch, I'm-” Her hand is shaking anxiously when she says, “NO, come home now”, And when he interrupts her she almost drops her phone. “Babe please, I have an appointment at lunch”, She pleaded, “Babe…… come home”, He used his cold voice which is the final warning, and Chaewon can only curse her own luck, “Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can”

Chaewon quickly scrambled throughout your apartment, “Fuck me, why the fuck can't anything to right for once”, She glance over the flight ticket you had and memorise the schedule before quickly wrote a note on pen and paper. “Fuck, pup please, for the love of god please understand, I promise I can make it up to you”, She pray, to whomever would listen and grant her wishes. As she writes some tears start to fall down her eyes and stain the paper. It was supposed to be a short note saying how her boyfriend suddenly called and she hopes you can reschedule lunch. However, due to her frustration she ended up writing a long essay saying how much she's sorry and even writing out about the things she wanted to tell you in person. During this she was interrupted with a text message from her boyfriend asking her where she is. Chaewon haphazardly finishes the note before bolting out of the apartment, leaving the door unlocked.

A few hours later you anxiously knock on your apartment door, waiting for her to open the door. Every second felt like an eternity and as time passes your stomach starts to twist making you feel like you want to puke. “Chaewon?” You tried to unlock your door to find it was unlocked, walking inside you call up to Chaewon but the only response you get is Luna purring on the couch. It was clear, she wasn't here, “Fuck”, For the first time in forever you actually yell out your frustration. On the coffee table you find a stack of paper, glancing over it you easily recognise her handwriting. 

This is it? This is how we're parting ways Chae? With a stack of notes?

Take a deep breath, calm your nerves and sit down on the couch, try to read the note with an open mind.

Hey pup, sorry but babe wants to meet me. You know how it is, I don't want to make him mad. I really, really, really, like I mean really feel bad for leaving you this note but I sincerely hope you understand. I know I don't deserve to ask for another chance but I hope we can reschedule our lunch tomorrow. If you don't want to, I get it. It'll hurt but I get it. The thing is pup, I never want to hurt you, I really don't. You're kind, strong and smart, I always admire how mature you are and how you can get your shit together. It's hard for me to say this, but I'm sorry that I never felt any romantic attraction towards you.

I don't want to make this cliche but it's not you, it's just me. I know you're cringing right now but just know that sometimes people just aren't made for each other. I love you, as my friend. Sometimes I dream of a different life for us. One where you and I can stay as friends, one where you're my shy, innocent and diligent little brother and I can be your caring and teasing older sister. I know it's hard for you to read this but just know even though you and I are not meant to be, you still have a special place in my heart. And I'm sorry, I never say anything about this.

I was scared, I was confused and I was distracted. Fuck it sounds so bad but I really wanted to help you get over those feelings pup. It's selfish I know, but I want to fix my relationship with my boyfriend before I start making things up for you. You know I have a lot of friends, I know you've been eyeing Kazuha some times, and I know she is interested in you. Fuck, I really wish things would go a different way. I wish we could be best friends forever, you and I, confiding in each other. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh but you and I are special, it's just, not in the way you hope it would be. 

When you said about this volunteer work I might encourage you, but deep down I was scared. I know one day you'll finally snap and confront me about this weird dynamic between us. When you say about an opportunity to leave and get out of your shell I was scared that you'll leave me and come back as a different person. I was scared, because in this fucked up and chaotic world you were the one who made me feel safe. Someone that would understand my struggle and help me through it. However on the other hand I wanted you to break off your shell. This whole time you've been living for me, for the hope that I'll be yours. I wanted you to find your own path and find yourself, get away from me so that you'll find a way to let go of your feelings.

Now, writing this whole thing I realised, I can't keep being selfish. I hurt you enough, dragging you down to a toxic relationship unintentionally. So, if you're looking for a farewell, I'll give it. Go out there pup, save people's life, realise that you're much more than what you've given yourself credit for. I hope you'll break free of the collar I've put on you this whole time. You're an amazing person, and I hope you can live up to your potential. Maybe one day, once you come back you'll find a reason to forgive me. For the pain I cause you, for all those medical supplies you've spent for me, for ditching our last meeting with these notes. I know I don't deserve to ask anything from you, but this time, I ask you to be happy. I ask you to let me go, and just, find someone who can love you as much as you love me.

Fuck I've been rambling for too long already. Pup, if you do feel like meeting me before you fly away just text me. If you don't, I'll understand. I won't let you go without saying goodbye to your face though. I remember your flight schedule, so if you don't want to meet me again I'll go there and just, wave you goodbye. Stay strong pup, I hope we can meet again.

Chaewon's tears that have stained the paper are almost gone, replaced by your own tears that almost render the paper unreadable. Is this the closure you wanted? Was there some sliver of hope you still hold on to thinking Chae might actually have some form of romantic feelings towards you? It's bittersweet, although the sweetness is nowhere to be found, you know one day you can see this note with fondness. Maybe this note will be the catalyst of your change. But for now, you just had to swallow this bitter pill and move on. Well, cry your heart out first, let the catharsis calm you down after.  “Fuck Chae, I don't know if you'll still be here after I come back though”, Yeah that's a fair point. “Don't die, please don't die while I'm away”

The whole day, and the day after, you just felt this new energy flowing through you. There's still some pain and bitterness there but you understand, it's the first step towards the right direction. Your mom also seems to be pleased with the outcome of this. “Okay, maybe she's not as bad as I expect her to be darling. She's pitiful, that's the best way I can describe her”, Just like how you are attached to Chaewon, your mom also had some attachments toward her. After all, Chaewon was the person who has been keeping you safe from bullies and was one of the only genuine friends that is still in contact with you after all these years. “Mom, can I ask you a favour?” Your mom nodded confidently, she knew what you wanted to ask. “I know darling, I'll take care of Luna while you're away. And I'll make sure that your dear friend will still be in a recognisable state when you come back”, The lady part needs some better wording but that will do.

“Thanks mom, and if she contacts you, can you just give her these?” You hand her a little gift box, “Darling, this isn't a therapy appointment, she won't need this”, Hopefully you can find your mom's sassiness within you in this year long journey. “Just, give it to her okay mom? I'll be off”, She nods and kissed your forehead, “Don't die out there sweetie, I love you”, She smiled at you, a mother's encouraging smile is an over powered buff, “I love you too mom”

Let's move back to Chaewon, she knows it's your departure day and she read your text saying that you won't mind seeing her wave you goodbye at the airport. However, like usual she is being held back by someone. “Chae I need you to stop lying to me okay?” The calm tone her boyfriend is talking in is unnerving. It was like an ice pick that's being stabbed to Chaewon's fresh open wounds. “I'm not lying babe, he really is just a friend”, Chaewon cried, she doesn't want to cry because- “Liar”, He would scream at her, *CRACK* a loud smack echoes throughout the room as he slapped her with all his might. “I wasn't, babe please believe me. He's leaving for a year. I promise I just want to say goodbye to him”, Chaewon cried out as she lay on the ground while her body was screaming with pain. “I know you spent the night with him, Chae, don't lie to me. I let you off this whole time because I know that pussy won't be brave enough to make a move on you. But you, I know you fucking sluttyness knows no bounds. You were giving him a farewell gift, weren't you? You let him have sex with you after years and years of simping for you. Now you want to go there and make him rethink about leaving so you can keep him. I know a fucking bitch like you would keep a side man, a second option”

After a while he just left her in his house. Chae lays down on the floor, face messed up with tears and bruises, her body is exhausted from the mental and physical torture she's been subjected too in the last two days. She lay down there for god knows how long before she finally regained her consciousness. Looking at the time it's already an hour past your departure. Her tears are already dried up so she can't even let out her frustration anymore. “I'm sorry pup, I really do”, Not long she heard a knock on the door, “Hello, anyone in there?” It was a familiar voice but she can't remember who it is. Chaewon tried to stand up but her body could barely move. She wanted to say something but no words came out of her mouth. “Hello, I'm looking for Kim Chaewon, is she here?” Chae realises that whoever's behind that door is trouble, but her voice, Chae could swear she knows her from somewhere.

Chaewon tried to stand up but she failed and just fell down and caused some of the empty beer bottles on the table to fall alongside her and shatter on the floor. “Hello? Is everything alright?” It wasn't, some of the glass shard hit Chae which made her let out a barely audible painful whine. “I'm coming in”, Then a loud slam can be heard from the door before it opens. From the floor Chaewon is laying on she can finally see the person that's looking for her, it was your mom. “Jesus, what happened”, Your mom immediately ran up to Chae, her mind racing with concern, and hatred for Chae's boyfriend. “Ma'am, what are you doing here?” Chae flinched when she felt the older woman's hand examining her wounds. “I'll tell you later, did your boyfriend do this to you?” Chae flinched hearing that question, it's not the first time she heard her ask that. “Fine, don't answer if you don't want to. Let's get you to the hospital”, In one swoop she grabbed Chaewon and just carried her away. Usually she'll refuse this type of help, but now you're no longer there to help you, and she's too weak to refuse so she just let herself get taken away. 

Your mom lay Chaewon in the backseat of her car before she took her radio and contacted the nearest hospital. “Dispatch, this is Unit 23 responding. Requesting immediate medical assistance. One injured victim, multiple bruises, possible head injury and a few lacerations due to glass shard on her arm”, Chaewon struggled to stay awake and ultimately went unconscious again before she even reached the hospital. “Hang in there kid, my son gonna kill me if he come home to find you dead”

A few hours earlier you were waiting at the airport, hoping for Chaewon to show up and wave you goodbye. However as the time for departure was nearing Chaewon was nowhere to be seen. You text her and she didn't read it and when you finally boarded you ended up calling your mom to check on Chaewon. As you were busy worrying for her, a girl suddenly sat down next to you, “Hello, are you also here for the volunteer work?” Oh shit, Chaewon who? “Oh yes, I'm from Serenity Medical Institute, nice to meet you”, Hey maybe moving on won't be that hard after all. “Nice to meet you too, I'm Minju from the Oasis Regional Hospital”, Minju gave you a weird look when you heard where you came from. 

“Serenity Medical Institute huh, I didn't know they sent anyone for this”, Seating next to a beautiful girl like her made you feel nervous yet somehow she looks more nervous than you. “I am the only one who's going”, You smile a little embarrassed. “Really? That's surprising”, Minju smiled, “Well how many people went from your hospital?” She thinks for a second, “Probably 12?” Is your hospital just very stingy? “That's a lot, I didn't expect so many people would actually be interested in doing these kinds of stuff”, Would sending 12 medical personnel cause some problem in the hospital? Wouldn't it get crippled due to the lack of personnel? “Yeah well, it's not like we're short on people, also doing this will give our hospital some subsidies that would help a lot”, Minju looked at your confused face and got confused herself.

“You get subsidies? I don't think I read that part in the application form”, Do you even read the form though? “Well yeah the form is made asking for international aid. The subsidy is our government's way to encourage the nation’s medical personnel to help”, Did they just send you for the government money? “Although I don't think Serenity would care about that type of stuff”, She was sending some jabs to you but you didn't catch it. “Really? Why do you say that?” Minju furrowed her eyebrows trying to see if you're messing with her, “Well, because it's the rich people hospital”, Your genuine confusion took Minju off guard. “Really? I never knew”, Minju stares at you for a second, “How did you get a job there?” This is a good time to point out how clueless you are at everything.

“Well, after I finished college the owner, well I think he's the owner, came to me to offer me an internship. He said he knew my father and owe him once”, Pretty sure you never met that guy again, also your mom tore you a new hole after you accepted the offer thinking it must be a scam. “See, there's almost no way for people to get in without nepotism. The place has such a service fee that most of its clients are millionaires”, Minju saw you even more confused which frustrated her. “I thought the hospital was the best hospital in the country. I mean, wouldn't that be the reason for the high price?” She clicked her tongue hearing your response.

“Yes, but also because the benefactors and clients are some of the richest people in the country. Most of the people working there have been working there for generations already. It's almost impossible for someone to start working there fresh off college. Any new recruits needs to have at least 10 years of experience in any other prestigious hospital before they have a chance for an examination by them”, You are very clueless about most things. “Huh, I never knew about that”, Minju pinched herself to see if she's hallucinating, there is no way someone is this dumb right? “What's your parents job?” Could it be, you're just a savant in the medical field that attracts their eyes? “Well, my father was a firefighter, and my mom is a cop”, That doesn't sound like a rich person's job.

“Huh, then….. Did your father save someone's life and that person happened to be a very important person?” You shrugged, seemingly not caring about that, “Maybe, I mean he died when I was a kid and mom said he saved a lot of life so maybe he saved someone important and the guy gave me a job out of gratitude?” Minju was baffled with how little shit you're giving about this. “That's…… I'm sorry about your father but do you know how lucky you are? There's people who would die to have a job at your hospital”, This rubs you the wrong way. “Why? What's the difference between your hospital and mine? I mean you and I still both save lives regardless where we work so it wouldn't matter right?” Minju was taken off guard again, you sounded so genuine with your words that she felt embarrassed for forgetting the main job of a doctor.

“You're right, sorry I didn't mean to come out as a materialistic person”, You felt guilty seeing how embarrassed she is, “Oh no don't be, I'm sorry I didn't know most of those things so thank you for telling me this”, Minju smiled at you. “You're just an innocent puppy aren't you?” Eeeehhhh, are you an actual dog? How come two beautiful and completely different girls can see you the same way like that? “I guess”, She laughed seeing you reluctantly accept her nickname. “So, since we'll be working a lot closer from now on I think this would be a perfect time to get to know each other right?” This whole thing feels nostalgic, it's a deja vu for the first time you met Chaewon.

No, I can't keep living in the past. Come on, I'm on this trip to break free of my shell. Be more confident, talk to her. Fuck what if I fall for her and it end up the same way as I did with Chae? Fuck I'm not gonna find anyone if I keep being scared.

“Of course, why don't you start first?” Minju did start first, and she also took the majority of the speaking time because you're too shy to speak up. In the middle of it you got a text from your mom informing you of Chaewon's condition. “You're okay?” Minju said after seeing you turn catatonic for a while, “Oh, yeah just, something came up”, Your voice sounds shaky and you turn around to watch out the window. Minju stays silent after realising that you're not in a talking mood, although she is curious about the situation. Moreover she's curious about you, she finds you to be pretty cute and attractive, and your innocence has some charm to it.

After a while your mom texted back informing you that Chae is stable for now and sent you her medical report. You read through it extensively, the more you read it the more you regret going on this trip. Without you there Chae would probably run back to her boyfriend after being discharged from the hospital. Well, even if you're there you won't be able to stop her from going back to him. It's like you are Sisyphus and she is your boulder, no matter how hard you try, she will always stumble down the hill into her boyfriend's arms. “Hey, you're okay there?” Minju decided to speak up seeing how distraught you've become, “Ahhh no, something came up”, Having someone to talk to would be nice, but would she care to hear a story of a complete stranger? “I don't mind listening you know, if you don't mind sharing of course”, Minju smiles at you, “Well, I have this friend, her name is Chae…….”

.

.

.

“Uggghhh”, A pained groan escapes out of Chaewon's mouth before she even gets to open her eyes. As she tried to sit up a hand stopped her from moving, “Take it easy now kiddo, you're still hurt”, This time she immediately recognised your mother's voice. “Ma'am, I….. where am I?” Chaewon tried to open her eyes but the room was too bright for her so she immediately closed it again. “In the hospital, you were pretty rough when I saw you”, The first thing that came up in her mind was to run, anything involving hospitals is bothersome, from the bills to the questioning she'll get. Thankfully she's well aware that your mom wouldn't let her run so easily, so she just lay back on the bed trying to regain her stamina.

After half an hour or so she is able to open her eyes and sit on the bed, looking around the place she realises where she is right now. “No, my son already left”, A quick reality check from your mom completely buried her hopes of having you delay your departure. “Why……. Why did you come to my place?” It's hard for her to look at your mom in the eyes. Unlike you, your mom has this dominating aura around her that shows she takes no shit from anyone. “My son asked me to check in on you when you didn't show up to his flight”

Oh right, I ghost him again. Fuck how can I keep messing this up?

“Listen kiddo, I never liked you. For years I've already told my clueless son that you're leading him on and he never listens. I would've confronted you but I digress because he always told me not to”, It's really jarring feeling the difference between you and your mom. Her words and piercing gaze made Chaewon shivers in her place. “And worst of all you actually push him to take a dangerous job off country just because you two can't be a grown up and talk about your feelings”, Just for the record, your mom was trying to not be overly hostile, she just came off that way. “I'm sorry”, Chae said weakly, “However, after he came to me with your notes I got a glimpse of your side of the story and, somewhat open to listen to the whole thing. Today, after I see you laying down half dead on that abuser's floor I think I understand enough”

“He's not an abuser”, Chae immediately bites back, as those words left her mouth she immediately flinched and felt scared for going against your mom. “Kiddo, I've been in this line of work for the last 25 years already. I've seen your story play out a thousand times. I promised my son that I'll keep you safe, so I'm taking you away from that whether you like it or not”, That's illegal right? “But he's not, he was just having an episode. Sometimes he just lash out, he can't help it, that's just who he is”, Chae is way too far down in her own hell to realise the exit is right in front of her. “Really? You're blaming this on his mental state?” Your mom wasn't taking any of that, “He's bipolar okay? He can't help having drastic mood swings”, He was never diagnosed, Chae just read some online article and associated him with that disorder to rationalise his sociopathic behaviour. “Blaming that maniac’s behaviour on mental disorders is an insult to the people who actually have mental disorders. Kiddo, I don't think you understand how irredeemable he is. What he did to you today is unacceptable, and if you don't want to fight for your own sake then I'll fight for you by bringing him to court”

Panic starts to set in, Chaewon can't let her do that, “He's not like that, I promise, please just give him a chance”, Seeing how pathetic Chaewon is, your mom wonders how you can enable her behaviour for so long. “Let’s have this talk in the morning. It's late and I need to get some rest. Go get some sleep, I'll be back here tomorrow morning. If I didn't see you here tomorrow morning I'm coming back to your apartment with a warrant for your boyfriend”, It's not your mom's first rodeo, she knows girls like Chae would care about her boyfriend’s feelings over her own well being. “Okay then, I'll see you tomorrow ma'am”, Not even a thank you, so rude.

Fuck why did things got so complicated now. You were always so caring but this is too much pup. Your mom is gonna be the end of me. Fuck how do I convince her to drop this, I can't let her make babe mad. I need to convince her.

How would Chaewon convince her? Well, with a stupid idea, “Are you being serious right now? You want me to talk with your boyfriend?” Downright idiotic honestly. “Please, it's just one talk. You'll see that he's not as bad as you think he is”, Your mom is absolutely flabbergasted with this request, this little girl actually wanted her to have a nice and civil discussion with an abuser? “I don't think you understand, assault and battery isn't just a civil case. The law enforcement such as myself have the right to pursue this case, you know that right?” This also means if she talks to Chaewon's boyfriend and he loses his composure your mom can use his incriminating words against him. 

“Trust me just this once okay? Please?” No way in hell your mom is gonna trust Chaewon, she sees Chae as an even more clueless person than you. She wants to say pathetic but she's not heartless enough to consider her own son pathetic. “I’ll drive you back to your place, I'll ask him about what transpired yesterday and that will be it. That's all the chances he's getting”, Although honestly she does see this as an opportunity to gather more evidence. “What? I need to tell him about this first”, Chae didn't have her phone, he broke it yesterday so she can't contact him, “Tchhh, so you can warn him? No, I'll give him this one chance so I can see him being unfiltered. So get your ass up because we're leaving now”, Despair, that's what Chae feels right now. 

Your mom led her to the receptionist where she signed the paper for discharge. Since you were working there she used her family member card so that Chaewon's hospital bills would be reduced to zero, and that's a good price. Throughout the ride Char can't stop herself from biting her nails, her legs are all jittery and her heartbeat is beating irregularly, she's scared out of her mind. Once they arrived back at her place she was so nervous your mom had to wake her up from her thoughts. “Ahhhhh, oh sorry, you scare me”, Chae tries to calm her breathing down while your mom is staring at her, then the latter gets out of her car prompting Chae to follow her.

Chaewon knocked on the door, after all your mom didn't exactly search around to pick up her personal things such as wallets or keys. “You do know I broke the door yesterday right? The locks haven't been fixed”, Chae blushed hearing this and just opened her door, going inside she called up for her boyfriend but there was no response. “He must be out”, There was some relief in her voice, hopefully your mom would just leave the place so she can brief her boyfriend about what's gonna happen. “That's unfortunate then-”, However Chaewon's dreams were short lived as the older woman's words were interrupted by some ruffling sounds from the bedroom followed by some footsteps. 

“Who the fuck are you?” Really? That's the first thing your mom said in her mind. She's completely baffled that Chaewon would ruin her own life for someone like that. No body shaming of course, the guy was good looking, but he looks like the most generic fuckboy ever imaginable. “I'm here to talk to you, I am Officer Hwang, last night I find…….”, She trailed off letting silence fills the room. The reason for that is because a girl walks out of the bedroom he just came out from. Seeing how minimal their clothing is, it's quite easy to grasp what they were doing. “Who is this?” Chaewon's fear and anxiety is replaced with unbridled rage as if he just crosses the line. “None of your business, and why the fuck did you bring a cop here huh? Hwang? Is it that retard’s mom?” He's so eloquent, no wonder Chaewon fell for him.

“Lady her your clothes and get out”, The random girls immediately sprint back to the bedroom, “Who the fuck is she?” Chaewon screamed at her boyfriend. “Fuck you, who is this? You brought a cop here? Are you insane?” Seeing him refuse to answer, Chaewon raises her hand and slaps him. It is unprofessional to laugh at someone who's getting ‘assaulted’ but your mom can't help but crack open a smile. “Are you crazy, bitch?” The slap has taken him off guard, never in his life did he think that Chaewon would have the balls to do something like that. The random girl came out of the bedroom wearing her pants with some of her underwear being stuffed into her bag. “You were cheating on me?” Chaewon roared, she looked at the random girl and was ready to pounce on her but thankfully your mom swooped in and pulled the girl outside.

“Move, I need to talk to that bitch”, Chaewon tried to push your mom away but the latter hold firm, “I think you should deal with this one first”, She pointed at her boyfriend. “Shit fucker, look at me”, He roughly pull Chaewon's hand making her body ragdoll to the ground. “You think you're hot shit because you have a cop here?” This guy has issues, “You were fucking some random girl? AFTER YOU SNAPPED BECAUSE YOU THINK I WAS CHEATING ON YOU?” Huh, maybe Chaewon's final line is just cheating. It's impressive that he never crosses that line for the last few years. Seeing how Chaewon wasn't being a scaredy cat like usual hurts his pride, so he raises his hand to hurt her in return. 

“You should stop that”, Your badass mom just grab his hand before he can slap Chae, “You fucking disgusting pig, HOW DARE YOU CHEATED ON ME”, But she didn't stop Chaewon from slapping him. “You fucking whores”, His pride really can't take this anymore and he took one of the empty bottle on the table. “I warned you”, With a bored tone your mom pulled out her taser gun and just shot fade him. Immediately he fell to the ground, the bottle thankfully didn't break and cut his skin, despite how much your mom wanted that to happen. “You asshole”, Chaewon walks to him and just kicks him in the ribs, “Alright don't do that, you're gonna get in trouble”, But her words don't reach her like usual. Chaewon tried to kick him again prompting your mom to just drag her out of the house.

“Let me go, I need to kill that bastard”, She was taken off guard seeing how Chaewon just flipped a switch out of nowhere, “Well it's better than before I guess”, She muttered before pushing Chae to her car. “Stay here for a second, I need to clean this mess”, Well at least her menacing glare is enough to stop Chae from struggling. “Here, go busy yourself while I call up the medic”, She shoved a little gift box you prepared for Chae to her lap. Chaewon immediately recognised your writing and opened it, inside is a note and she immediately read it.

Hey Chae, I was writing this note because I feel like that's just gonna be our thing from now. Let me start by saying, it hurts. Reading your notes was painful and really fuck me up. However, I do understand where you're coming from. I can't force you to like me, although I really want to, I realise it's just not possible. I guess we were both an idiot, so caught up in our feelings that we ended up hurting ourselves. I just want to say, I don't hate you, I understand where you're coming from, I really do. I hope one day when I come back home we get to sit down together and talk about this further. I hope once I get back we can have a civil and mature conversation about our friendship and other things.

However, for that to happen, I need you to still be around when I come home. Yes I helped you throughout these years because I loved you. But it would be wrong if I say that was the only reason why I helped you. I was scared for you, this relationship you had with your boyfriend isn't healthy Chae. When we first met you were this badass girl who never backed down from anything. Now you're just this vulnerable girl who is being dragged through hell because you can't let go of your feelings. You know I'm right, all your friends have given up on you already because they can't bear to watch you destroy yourself. You say something about setting me up with Kazuha yet the last time you talked to her was already 2 years ago. Chae, I'm scared, I'm really scared with the idea that you won't be alive by the time I come home. I wrote this note because I want you to let him go.

No, I wasn't saying this because I feel jealous of him, I'm saying this because I care about you. I'm on this “journey” in hope that I can let go of my feelings, in hope to “break my chains” as you put it. Now I'm asking you to break yours as well. I know you're tired of hearing these words but you're sacrificing so much just by staying with that guy. I might sound biassed, but you can get any guy in the world and you're choosing the worst option. I never thought I'd say this, but it's also hurting my pride knowing you prefer staying with an abuser rather than, me. Fuck that sounds so bad, but if you were dating some rich handsome guys I'll have my heartbreak way earlier than this and probably move on. Chaewon, you're a beautiful, talented and strong girl, you can do better than him. It hurts seeing your mental toughness that I always envied are being used just so you can tolerate him. Please, now that I'm gone I can't keep you safe any longer. For the love of god please let him go Chae. I don't want to come back home seeing you six feet underground.

I might just be beating a dead horse but I hope you can see where I'm coming from. In this box there's my apartment keys. I already pay rent for the next 4 months so you can stay there if you need to. And finally, there's a hospital card here, you can use it in Serenity and get treatment free of charge. I hope you'll never need to use it, but I also hope for a lot of impossible things. Anyway I've been rambling for too long, I hope mom didn't go too hard on you. Stay safe Chae, stay alive. I hope we can meet again once I'm back home. I'll miss you.

It took her almost 30 minutes rereading that note you left her. It all boils down to, “Chaewon your boyfriend is trash, leave him already. Here take my keys”, But she keeps rereading them hoping there's more. She needs more, she needs you to write something, anything that could comfort her. “Fuck pup, why can't I just listen to you”, But alas there's none, after all you never expect this messages to actually change her mind. It technically didn't, her boyfriend's act of crossing her line did but this note is the nail in the coffin. A certain word rings in her mind, “If only he can be more like you”, So fucking cliché, yet sometimes clichés came from real life things.

Why the fuck did I say that? You're so fucking stupid sometimes Chae. Why ask for someone to be like him when he's already available. God what have I done.

No point of crying over spilled milk, but that doesn't stop her from ruining your notes with her tears. Is this your thing now? Sending notes and soaking them with tears. “He’s not a problem anymore, just in case you're wondering”, Chaewon jumped back at her seat when she saw your mom had rejoined her back in the car. “Right”, Chae wiped her tears and put the notes back in the box, “You want to go somewhere or do you want to go back to your house?” Chae glanced back to her house. It was inherited to her after her parent's death a few years ago, it was around the time she started dating that pig. Those beautiful childhood memories, all tainted by his presence. 

“No, can you take me back to your son's apartment?” It's not that your mom wants to snoop around, but she's just curious and has checked the gift before she hands it to Chaewon. “Got it”, Your mom thinks it would be a good idea for Chae to stay away from her house for now, 4 months is a pretty long time to cool down. However Chaewon had different plans, “I'll wait for you to come back pup. I can fix this, I can fix us. I'll wait for you to come back, then we can start over”, Her barely audible whispers float off to the wind. A promise for a better future, no matter what it takes.

.

.

.

“Babe you need to stop dozing off”, You were woken up from your daydream with a gentle touch to your shoulder. “Right, I just feel weird. I can't believe a year passed already”, Yeah, it felt like a year just passed in an instant. “Come on, don't tell me you're thinking about staying here?” Minju wrapped her arm around you, “Of course not, I'm just a little sad that I'll have to go already”, Minju smiled and gave you a kiss. “There, I don't want my little puppy to be sad anymore”, She said teasing you, “Don't call me that, please never call me that in front of other people again”, It's bad enough that she calls you that in front of her coworkers, if she pull that name in front of your friends, or even your mom, you'll die out of embarrassment.

“Heheheheh, I won't promise anything. Now come on I need your big muscular arm to help me out the bags on the truck”, Living with no reception has bore you a lot, which is why you start working out alongside the soldiers that keeps the area secure. So needless to say, you've grown into a Chad, after loading the luggage you sat down with the rest of Minju’s coworkers. “So, what are we eating once we get home?”, Jaehyun, one of Minju's coworkers, asked the group. “I want some junk food, like 10 big macs covered with cheese dips type of junk food”, “No way in hell, we're eating something fresh, I want sushi”, “I don't care what we're eating but we need alcohol. Like a lot of them”, You've been pulled to be part of their friend group, although most of the time you and Minju would just fool around somewhere else. “Let's vote then, what does everyone want?” Voting with friends is such a bad idea, “I'm down for anything”, “Yeah me too, I don't mind”, “I don't really crave anything so I'll just follow what everyone wants”, In the end Minju just pull you to the passenger truck and sit with you at the back while her friends are busy discussing.

“So, we're going to meet your mom once we land?” It's hard to communicate with the people back home, you can only send her a letter every few weeks or so. Well except last week when you were given a satellite phone to arrange yours . “Well she did say she's gonna pick me up, so maybe we can have dinner with her after”, You haven't really told your mom about Minju so you're kinda nervous, “I don't think I'm down for thay babe. It's a 10 hour flight and I would rather go home and have a good long bath. Maybe we can have dinner tomorrow night”, Thankfully she rejected the dinner. “Guess you're right, I'm sure mom also wants to ask me about what I did for the last year”, It would be awkward to tell your mom that you actually got shot here. “Yeah, don't die okay baby”

“I told you you're gonna get shot”, You're like an inch away from getting shot by her out of frustration. “But mommmm, it was just an accident, some stray bullet from the soldier's training”, They even send you money for the inconvenience, or to shut you up. “Haaaaaa, I'm really this close to losing it. You didn't think about telling me in one of those letter you send me?” This is certainly a welcoming party, “ I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you worry”, She sighed and just shook her head. “Mom, where's Luna?” You tried to change the topic, “With Chaewon, that fat fuck want to stay at your apartment over here”, You raised your eyebrow in confusion, “Chae still living at my place?” 

Your mom does send you some update about her in the first few months, most of it just saying how Chae is getting better and has been reconnecting with her friends. “You should go there and talk to her”, Right, the long awaited reunion is due, “I should, tomorrow we're having dinner with Minju so I guess I could come over now”, Time zone difference fuck you up because you left around sunset and arrive back at your home around 8 AM, which isn't fun. “I can drop you off at your place if you get ready right now”, As you took a shower you can't help but feel nervous. For the last year you didn't really try to reach out to Chae and your mom didn't say anything if Chae tried to reach out to you. Going back to the living room you immediately noticed how tight your outfits has become. “That usually happens when you build up muscle darling. You should go and get some new clothes”, You remember Minju said she is a shopaholic so you made a plan to do a shopping run later with Chae. Just as a friendly reunion right? Right?

“Congratulations on your promotion by the way mom”, You pull out a gift for her, “Ohhh? What's this? The bullet that they took out of your body?” Damn that would actually be a pretty good gift for her. “Uhhh no, it's just a knife one of the refugees gave me”, Without hesitation she ripped open the box and pulled out a pristine military knife. “Ohhhh, good job darling, I'll put this on my desk”, She smiles happily before strapping the knife into her waist. “Now come on, I'm gonna be late”

You stand in front of your door, feeling anxious and nervous. If any of your neighbours see this they're probably gonna be weirded out since you’re just standing there for 5 minutes. Suddenly the front door clicked open and you saw Chaewon. She was going out and she bumped into you, “Sorr-.......” The two of you just stare at each other silently. The first thing you noticed is how healthy she looks, her cheeks are no longer hollow, her skin isn't sagging, she looks better. “Hey Ch-” Chae jumped to hug you before you finished your sentence, “It's you, you're home”, Even her strength is back, enough to suffocate you. “Chae, calm down for a second”, But she doesn't want to calm down, “You're back, you're really back, I miss you so much”, Chae hugged you even harder without any intentions of letting go.

“Chae let's not do this in the hallway”, She suddenly felt your arm wrapped around her body and picked her up with ease. It was at this moment that she noticed you don't feel so scrawny anymore. “You've grown”, She let go of the hug as you closed the door behind you, her eyes travelling all over your body. “Yeah well, I got a lot of free time there”, Your cheeks turn red as Chaewon shamelessly feels up your arms. “Meow”, Luna walked out of the bedroom and the moment she saw you she immediately ran to your leg. “Hey there Luna, did you miss me”, You picked her up and she immediately purred in your familiar embrace again.

“Well come here take a seat. Don't be a stranger in your own apartment”, Chae smiles and pulls you to sit down on the couch. Looking around you notices she has done a few furnishings, the place still looks familiar, yet there's some of her touch painting the whole apartment. “You like it? I don't want to change too much but I feel like your previous decorations were kinda bland”, Is her snarky remark making a return as well? “Well the place does look less grey”, Chaewon sits closer to you, “So, how was your trip? Come on tell me everything”, She leaned towards your arm and rested her head on your shoulder.

“It's a long story, weren't you just leaving to go somewhere?” Bering with Minju for a while you've grown immune to women's advances due to how flirty she was. “I was just about to get some breakfast. Have you eaten anything yet? We can order some food”, Chae notices your lack of embarrassment and it makes her, happy. “Well I ate some airplane food earlier, so I wouldn't mind going out for some actual good food”, Luna let out a growl as if she understands that you're leaving already. “Come on let's just eat here, I want to hear everything that happened to you”, Chae pinched your cheek as she leaned even closer to you. 

“Come on let's go out Chae, I also need some help. I actually gained some weight and my old clothes are getting too tight for me. Can you help me do some clothing runs?”, A date, Chae is ecstatic that you wanted to have a date with her the moment you return. “Yesssss, let's go then”, She stood up and pulled your hand, “Hahahaha, sorry Luna you're gonna have to wait for me again”, Luna let out a protest meow before jumping off your lap. “She's gonna be fine, let's go pup, it's shopping time”, Surely Chaewon won't take the whole day to help you get some new clothes.

“So you were actually shot? Like with a real bullet?” Chae is filled with concern hearing your story, “Yeah, it was just a ricochet so it's not that deep but it still hurts”, Don't cut off the fun part, tell her you cried like a baby as they tried to stop your bleeding. “That's terrible, I swear to god I'll kill that idiot who dares to shoot you”, It pisses her off, she could've lost you because some stupid drill. “It's fine, I was too close to the training yard anyway”, You can't help but smile seeing her angry face. It reminds you of the time when she used to get angry every time someone tried to pick on you. “Tchh, I'm only letting it go because you're safe and you got a cool scar from it”, Chaewon continued looking at your arm, rather, your bicep.

“Yeah, it does look cool”, You trailed off as you checked your messages that Minju had sent you. Chae furrowed her eyebrows seeing you've been busy chatting with someone on your phone throughout this breakfast. She wants to know who's making you smile and what those texts are, but she refrains for now. “Well I hope your feets are ready, we're giving you a makeover”, She'll ask you about those texts later, after all she has all the time in the world with you.

The shopping was hellish, Chaewon keeps pulling you to every clothing store there is and has you tried every single piece of clothing she can find. Then to top it off you had to bring all the luggage yourself. Well you don't have to, but you don't want to make her carry it so you just swallow the pain and move on. “Chae can we stop here? I think this is enough'', Chae does notice your suffering but she can't help herself to dress up her boyfriend. “Alright, let's put it back at our place, we can order some food for lunch”, Our place? You're gonna say something about that? “Our-”, Unfortunately your phone rings before you can ask it. 

“I need to answer this call first, can you order a cab for us?” Now, Chae is not exactly a nosy person, but she feels irritated with how much you were on your phone during this date. “Fine”, She doesn't want to make a scene so she'll just frown as she watches you walk a way to answer your call. “Hey babe , I was thinking that maybe we can grab some lunch? Or are you still dealing with jet lag?” Minju said, “I'm outside right now, having a reunion with Chaewon”, A little slither of guilt can be heard in your voice as you felt bad for refusing your girlfriend’s invitation. “Oh well, did everything go well?” She doesn't mind though, “Yeah, I think we're having a good day so far. I'm kinda happy seeing her revert to her old self. Although I think I would rather have her tone down her occasional jab. Physical jab, she's one of those people who like to playfully punch you and it hurts”, You hear Minju laughed out loud at your complaints. “Oh no, my poor baby can't take a woman's punch? Even with all those muscles?” PSA: Domestic violence is not a joke, please seek professional help if you or someone you know are dealing with one. 

“Hey listen she's not your average girl okay? She used to be the badass tomboy who beat up guys bigger than him. Besides you should see her biceps, they're huge”, Chaewon can't hear you but she is certainly not happy with the smiles that's forming on your face. “I would love to, is this an invitation for me to join your reunion?” Ahhhh shit, what did you just do? “Well”, You look back at Chae and are surprised seeing her hostile glare, “Maybe not today”, You're not sure why she's mad but you think it's best not to ask it for now. “Well, hopefully I can meet her soon. I'll see you tomorrow okay babe? Pick me up for the date please, you can buy some used car with the money they gave you for the bullet wounds”, You can't concentrate on what she's saying and hurriedly end the call before walking to Chaewon.

“The cab will be here soon”, Oh no, she's using her cold angry voice again, “O-okay”, The two of you awkwardly stand there waiting for the cab. Throughout the whole ride Chaewon was looking out the window trying to calm herself down. However the moment she hears you typing on your phone she immediately turns to you and lets out a vicious glare. Feeling your life might be in danger you put down your phone. Anxiousness starts to rise within you, it's not the first time you see her this mad but it's still terrifying.

What the fuck did I do now? Chae only got this mad when I did something stupid and hurt myself. Think Mark, think. Whatever it is, I should try to apologise once we get home.

The two of you silently walk back to your apartment, as soon as you walk in you hear Chaewon slam the door behind you. “Put it there”, She pointed at the floor, you obediently put down the groceries trying to find words to calm her down and inquire on what you did wrong. “Who was it?” Her voice, cold and piercing just like her eyes, “Who was what?” That's not an answer, so she walks towards you and pushes you to the wall. “Who were you talking to on the phone? The whole day you were busy talking with someone. Throughout our fucking date you were just chatting with someone else. Do you not respect me at all? Your girlfriend is in front of you yet you were busy with whoever it was in your phone”, Alright, what the fuck?

Let's break this down, first she doesn't like you talking to someone, which is understandable since it was pretty rude to be busy with your phone while you're hanging out with someone else. Then she says date, you didn't think it was a date, friendly date possibly but isn't that just a hangout? Lastly, girlfriend, this one actually takes you out of it. Hearing her referring to herself as your girlfriend is not something you ever thought you'll hear. This time, after a year of spiritual journey, you actually don't want to hear her say that.

“Chae?” Seeing that you're not answering she just digs her nails into your arm. “ANSWER ME. Who was it? And don't fucking lie to me”, Her voice echoes throughout the whole room, yet it feels so distant, as if this whole thing is just a dream to you. “That's…. I…. I was talking to my girlfriend”, Chae was about to scream back saying you weren't talking to her enough, then she realised you weren't referring to her. “Your. Girlfriend?” Her face contorted as she spat those words, “I guess I haven't mentioned her yet. Her name is-”, Your words are interrupted by her slap. 

"Girlfriend?" she spat, her voice laced with disbelief that morphed into a chilling possessiveness. "Don't lie to me, babe. You're mine. You've always been.”, Words are stuck on your throat, after years of following her shadow with the hope of getting a whiff of her warmth you managed to get it at the worst possible time. The name ‘babe’ rings like a distant lullaby, those words that you crave from her felt like venom to you now. “Chae when I was there I got close with Minju. We-”, Her hand flies quickly to grab your mouth, silencing your words that's about to break her delusion. “No, that's not right at all babe. I see now, you're confused and tired. Serving there must've been very tiring for you babe. You were just homesick and miss me, yeah let's get you some rest babe”

Chae leaned and kissed your cheek, yet her eyes are challenging you to refute her words. “No, Chae I have-”, The second slap was much more painful than the first one, because this time she put her back on it. “Baby I really think you're just tired, come on let's get you to your bed. You must've missed sleeping on your bed right? I'll accompany you, we can eat lunch later”, Chae grabbed both of your hands, tugging them for you to follow her to the bedroom. “No Chae, she's real. Minju is very lovely you'll like her”, This whole situation was so odd for you that you're also in denial of Chaewon's transformation. 

Chaewon's eyes narrow, trying to pierce through your skull to inspect your mind, then a humourless laugh escapes her mouth. “I see now, you had a rebound girl while you were away. I don't think I appreciate that babe, but for now let's get you to rest. I can punish you after you get some sleep”, The room was silent as if it was waiting in horror to see your next move. “No Chae……. I love her. I love Minju”, Your muscles stiffen, trying to brace for her next slap. Yet it never came, there was only silence.  “Love her?”

Alright, stop denying, you know what's happening right now. “Chae I-”,  You were once again interrupted by her, this time with her lips that aggressively crashed into yours and sealed it shut. This is it, the dream you've always wanted to achieve, a kiss from the girls that has held your heart for years now. Yet the kiss brought a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. On one hand, it ignited a dormant flame within you, a spark of the yearning you'd harboured for Chae for years. The warmth of her lips, the familiar scent of her hair, it all felt like a dream come true, a gift from god for all the good things you've done. On the other hand the sweetness was quickly tainted by the bitter reality. Your heart, now entwined with Minju's, ached with guilt and betrayal. This wasn't supposed to happen. Chae had friend-zoned you, leaving you to move on and build a new life. This sudden shift, this desperate claim of ownership, it sent your mind reeling. 

Is this the Chae you know? The one who has explicitly told you that the two of you can never work? Or was that Chae a fake one? You've never heard those words outside the notes she left you. Perhaps those notes are just her denial of the feelings she actually had for you. Denial that was hidden by the guilt she had for using you all this time? Is this confusion you're having is just a pathetic rationalisation for your own feelings for her? Was Minju truly just a rebound girl? Did you leave your heart here with Chae this whole time and only notice it now that you're back with her?

So many questions yet no answer. You didn't try to think of an answer, after all there's a fight going on within you right now. Your body has been yearning for these moments and responded instinctively. Your heart screaming with protest as it was being torn apart by the guilt you harbour for Minju. Each agonising second felt like an eternity. You wanted to pull away, to break free from this confusing entanglement. Yet with each second passing Chae's grip tightened, her kiss becoming desperate, almost pleading. It was like witnessing a damsel in distress, someone drowning in a sea of their own obsession, and a part of you, the part that once loved her fiercely, wanted to save her.

“Haaaaa”, Finally she broke the kiss, her head pressing against yours, her hand still tightly gripping on to your collar. Her eyes are filled with ecstasy, she's in a trance, for a moment you wonder if this is what you would look like if she kissed you before you left. “You're mine babe, you're mine and mine alone”, A hushed whisper can be heard flowing out of her mouth. The kiss, it was a culmination of all the obsession and longing she has for the last year. Your absence in her life was a hellfire for her loneliness, forging her into this, thing. Day by day her longing got more and more intense until it slowly turned into a need. Now that you're here those feelings only become more intense, like a sword that has finished sharpening and ready to be used.

While she was lost in the vortex of her own emotions you finally connected the dots. Despite her rejection she has explicitly said that she has special feelings for you. A love that was strong in every way but romantically. However it would change once she finally broke free of her chain, of the collar her boyfriend has put on her. Lost, confused, exiled, her only source of hope was you. After all her friend left her the only person she can rely on was you. Yet you were already gone, left to find your own love. Of course, that's why she is still here, living in your apartment with the thought that you two can reconcile after you return. Funny how life works, Chaewon finally has the same feeling you've been ‘hiding’ from her for years just right after you lost those feelings. 

“You know you love me babe. Whoever that Minju girl is, she's irrelevant. We belong together, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you for so long. I promise I'll make it up to you. Just be patient okay babe, after all we have our whole life to be together. Nothing can separate us anymore, I love you”

“I-”, NO! 

Your mind managed to take control of your body before you answered her. “I...” Chaewon smiles thinking you were just too shy to say it back. “Chae, it's too late”, Desperately you tried to bury back those feelings, you can't hurt Minju, and for some reason there's this voice warning you that whatever Chae is feeling right now, it's dangerous. “Baby, you know how much you hurt me by saying that”, Her face formed a disappointed frown as her tone turned sour, her eyes turned glassy as if she was about to burst into tears. “I can't Chae, I'm sorry”, It hurts seeing her like this as well, you never thought you'd make her cry by rejecting her. 

“You don't mean that pup, I can see it in your eyes. You didn't move on and I know it. You have loved me for years already, how can you just let go of all those feelings in just one year”, Her vulnerable tone and pained expression was nothing but a calculated move. Loyalty and charity, those are your two strong suits, and she knows acting hurt and vulnerable would be an easy way to change your mind. “I….. I can't Chae”, She also knows, despite your physical growth, mentally you wouldn't even hurt a fly.

“Why are you lying to me pup? I can feel your body is calling for me”, Her hand slips inside your sweater. As her cold and slender fingers feel up your abs you can't help but feel like the inside of your stomach is twisting. This is all you ever wanted yet it terrifies you. “You've grown pup, I like it”, With inhuman strength she just ripped apart your flimsy sweater. “Chaewon no”, You try to stop her, your mind does,  but your body is much more honest. “Did she do this to you?” Chae pressed her finger towards the hickey you had on your collarbone, “Chae stop this”, You pleaded again, but your words aren't coming through to her. “I'll hide it babe, I'll hide it with my make so you'll forget that whore”, Chae leaned in and bite on your collarbone.

The pain, you're not even sure if it was physical or emotional. Out of all the way that you could have her you never expected that it would be done through, rape. Is this rape? Do you truly hate this? “Who was that?” Your phone buzzed making Chaewon stop her marking session. “I-”, She didn't bother waiting for your answer before rushing through your pocket and finding your phone. The name Minju was written on the screen showing she just texted you something. “Forget about her”, Chae throws away your phone before diving back to your shoulder. 

I don't want this. I don't want this at all.

You pushed her away but it was so weak she barely moved. “Stop doing that”, She mumbles as she continues biting you. “Chae stop this please”, You push her again but this time you managed to put some power into it. She doesn't budge, her teeth still hooked into your flesh refusing to let you go. “Chaewon stop”, Finally raise your voice, she stops biting you yet her body is still pressing you to the wall. “Baby, I need you to stop playing so hard to get okay? I know you want this”, Come on tell her no, tell her she's wrong. “See, you need to stop lying to me”, Her hand caressed your bulge, “I know you more than you know yourself”, She whispered in your ear.

Do I actually want this? Was I overreacting when I call this rape? Chaewon would never do that. She's a kind and loving person. She would never do anything to hurt me. Right?

She fucking gaslight you so easily? “My god, you're so big baby”, You glanced down and realised Chaewon was already kneeling in front of you, your pants already pulled down exposing your cock. “Chae”, She smiles, your tone is much more meek now, she knows she got you by the, well, balls. “It's okay babe, I'll be gentle”, Her slender fingers gently wrapped around your cock as her lips kissed your tip. Your body shivers with the sensation, her gentle touch was enough to make you leak some precum. Chaewon smiles proudly, “I'm flattered babe, you've been missing me too right?” Her tongue sticks out and licks your tip. 

The more she licks the more you leak out. Her hand starts stroking you as she licks your cock like a lollipop, savouring the taste of your precum. Not long after that she kissed your tip again before pushing it into her mouth. “Ohhh fuck”, You moan, her mouth was too small for it and despite her best effort she can only go halfway. Feeling defeated she pulls away before spitting onto your shaft, her hand continues stroking and coats your cock with her saliva. If she can't take all of your length she will be creative. So as her head bobs up and down her hand jerks you off with the lubricant she just applied. Wet sloppy noise echoes throughout the room, accompanied by the sounds of your grunt and moans. 

“Chae, fuck”, Feeling your cock starts to throb she got even more intense. Her hand and head go in sync as she tries to milk you. “Chae, I'm cumming”, Your hips buckled forward forcing Chae to choke on your cock as you unload down her throat. The sensation of your thick and warm cum travelling down her throat gives Chae a sense of victory. Her eyes never leave yours for a second and she watches every single emotion you went through this whole time. She knows, you can't run from her.

“You taste so good babe”, She moaned once she pulled out your cock. Then she just let it rest on top of her small and pale white face, a view so arousing yo8r body starts screaming for round two. “Chae, I-”, It only took five seconds and your guilt already came back, this displeases her. “Come here baby, let's continue this in our bed”, She stood up and grabbed your hand. Now that your mind is clear, the post nut clarity should help you make your decision. Should you run now? Or should you just let yourself fall deeper into this, abyss.

“Come on babe”, Realising you're second guessing yourself, Chaewon grabbed your hand using both of her own while using her cute and innocent face. She hates to do this, she really does, because right now she's using a strategy that her ex used on her. “I……” Yet seeing you falter made her happy, there's always a silver lining in everything. Right now, she won't mind personifying her ex’s attitude if it means she gets to make you stay with her. “Hehehehehe, come on let's do a quick one babe, we can have lunch after this”, With one pull she managed to crumble down your common sense.  So you follow her, right into the dragon's nest. Inside your room you can see it's pretty much the same. The only difference was her makeup and dirty clothes that filled up the room. “I don't want to change too much, after all I want you to go back home to a familiar sight”, She smiles before pushing you to the bed. Chaewon takes off her skirt before jumping on to you. She pushes your erect cock into her stomach, “Look babe, you're gonna split me in half with this monster”

Seeing how quiet you are, Chae just takes off her top before leaning towards you. “Don't be shy babe, I know you've been dreaming for this moment for years now”, Her hand pulls yours into her breast, “Feel it babe”, She whispered in your ear. Overtaken by lust, your hand gently squeezed her tits making her moan, “Yeah baby, just like that. Don't be shy anymore okay? I know you like this as much as I do”, Chae raises her waist and aligns your cock with her wet entrance. “I love you”, And with that she lowers her waist, struggling to take your cock. “Fuck”, You grunted feeling how tight she is, “It hurts so much babe”, She moaned before leaning into your neck. “You're really gonna split me apart”, Her breath has become shaky as she continues pushing more of you into her. 

“Chae”, You whispered, “Yeah baby? Do you like it?” She bites your ear, “Take it slow” Oh no. “Hehehehehe, I'm not fragile you know”, Hearing your submission gave her a new source of energy. Her lips crashed on to yours as both of her hands hugged your head, not letting you move. As she managed to take your full length she didn't bother to rest a little and start moving. “I'll get used to this babe, I promise. We're made for each other, you and I”, She moans while her lower body is screaming in agony, but she couldn't care less. Her mind was already overtaken by lust, all those sleepless nights from missing you has caused her to have so much pent up stress. “Fuck Chae, calm down for a second”, You moaned feeling how aggressive she has become.

“No baby, you have no idea how much I miss you”, Chae presses her head against yours, you can see her eyes are filled with nothing but madness. “Those sleepless nights, all those times I woke up in the middle of the night, dreaming that you'll be there with me on our bed. Now you're back baby, and I will show you, just how much I've been missing you, how much I needed you”, She rode you even faster, making you let out a moan. “Yeah, do you like it baby? Do you like my pussy”, Chae whispered in your ears, “Grab my ass baby, I know you've always liked them”, She said before she started kissing you again.

In for a penny, in for a pound. Your hand reached down to grab her ass cheek. The first thing you noticed was how soft and smooth her skin feels, and as you squeeze them you find yourself enjoying the firmness of it. “Do you like it baby?” Chaewon moaned, “I….. do”, Chae smiled hearing your words. “Well don't be shy, use me however you like babe”, Her words are way too potent for you, “Fuck, Chae I'm about to-” Feeling your cock throbbing inside her Chae closed your mouth with her hand. “No baby, you need to hold it in”, Your eyes give her a protesting glare as Chae continues riding you. “I know it's your first time, baby, but I need you to be strong”, She loves seeing your panicked face thinking that you are having a hard time holding it in, but then you open your mouth. “It's not my first time”, Her waist sits on you as she stops moving, her eyes clearly filled with hatred.

“My baby, my innocent baby boy was corrupted by that WHORE?” Chae wanted to scream at you, to slap you for allowing yourself to get used by some whore. “Haaaaa, that bitch, I won't let her get close to you ever again”, But then she continued moving again, “Chae?” You on the other hand are struggling to hold your ejaculation, god knows what she's gonna do if you fail to follow her commands. “I guess it would be selfish for me if I wanted you to stay virgin. But that's okay right babe? Even if it's not our first time, what matters is that from now on we will only do this with each other”, Chae finds her rhythm back, riding you aggressively. Slowly the feelings turns into torture for you, “Chae I really need to-, Fuck”, Everytime you begged her she would just bite your chest, “You can hold om just a little more right babe? I want to finish with you so wait for me a little more baby”, Chae gives you a cute pouting expression, completely contrasting how her lower body is riding you like an animal. 

“Fuck Chae, please?” You whined again, this time you lost control of your face making it contort into a pathetic pleading expression. “Haaaaa, you look so cute like that”, Of course this whole thing is about the power play with Chae. She loves seeing you struggle and suffer just so you can please her. “Chae please?” you whined, “Call me babe”, Chae feels her orgasm is building up as well. “Babe, let me cum please?” Oh yeah, she's awakening a new kink right now, “Tell me you love me”, She whispered in your ears. “I love you babe”, You can feel Chae start shaking, “Tell me you'll leave that whore for me”, Last change bucko, will your rational mind return? “I will leave her for you babe, I love you”, Guess not.

“Haaaaa, then cum baby, cum inside me. Fill me up with your love please”, Hearing your total submission sends her over the edge. As your cum starts to shoot inside her, Chae kisses you again, desperately biting onto your lips as she's also having her orgasm. Your mind went blank for a moment as it short-circuited. “Haaaaa, haaaaa, haaaaa, welcome back baby, I love you”, Chae kissed your cheeks as the two of you were catching your breath. “Can you, get off me Chae?” She shakes her head, “Call me babe okay? I'm your girlfriend now so I need you to call me your baby from now on”, On top of that she kinda likes having your dick inside her. “Baby, can you get off me?” But of course, being the perfect girlfriend she will do anything to please you.

You tried to stand up when she got off of you but her hand immediately grabbed onto yours. “Where are you going?” Her voice filled with annoyance and a tiny hint of threat. “I need to wash up”, Her smile came back as she stood up with you, “Then let's have a shower together, I'll clean you babe”, She wrapped her arm around yours and pulled you to the bathroom. Once the two of you finished the shower Chae pulled you back to the bathroom and cuddled up with you. Her head rests on top of your shoulder as her finger is drawing around on your chest.

Now, how do you deal with this situation? Would you pick her over Minju? Or would you come clean to Minju that you just cheated on her. Your mind wanders around to the countless times you spend the night with Minju. Her warmth, her smile, her….. love, do they feel the same as what Chaewon is doing to you? Those memories hit you like a truck, alongside it are the guilt that just tearing you apart. Looking down at Chae, you see her smile at you before moving on to caress your hair. It really does feel like a fever dream, having her like this with you. Maybe it was a sign, Chaewon is just a dream and Minju is the reality? 

Your conflicted expression doesn't escape Chae, she knows that you're having second thoughts again. It pisses her off, but she doesn't want to push you too much, after all her ex tends to use a much more delicate approach when she's being, defiant. “Baby, I feel so tired right now. You really did a number on me you know?” She wrapped her arm around you, caressing your cheek and pulling your head closer to hers so she can kiss the other one. It feels wrong, her touch, this all feels so, artificial. You stay quiet, trying to organise your mind. Chae sighed before she cuddled up closer to you, “Let's get some rest baby. You said you just got off the plane this morning right? Get some sleep baby, I'll order us food for later”, Her leg wrapped around your waist. You of course managed to read between the lines, “You are not leaving here”

“Meow”, Luna? Where did that little shit throughout all this? “Come here Luna”, Chae said, Luna jumps up onto your bed and comfortably snuggles into Chaewon's torso. Huh, that's weird, is this an omen? Chae looks at your bewildered face and starts letting Luna, “I told you I'll make her enjoy my cuddles” And I'll do the same to you, babe.

#kpop fanfic #kpop gg #kpop smut #le sserafim #le sserafim smut #kim chaewon #chaewon smut #male reader

[chimielie]

yeah, you might want me to drop dead (but i don't even care)

summary: Atsumu x F!Reader. atsumu would categorize your relationship like this: he thinks you're hot when you're angry. you would categorize your relationship with atsumu like this: he had woken up one day and decided to drive you out of your fucking mind insane. 

word count: 2k

cw: miya atsumu's degradation kink (it's still sfw he's just not subtle), suggestive at the end

a/n: another resurrected fic from the drafts. walk him like a dog, bitch, walk him like a dog

Miya Atsumu was a player known for his thirst for blood. Like his brother, who termed the all-consuming need to dominate their opponent hunger, he relished in complete fucking annihilation. He was hardly soft off the court, too: few of his peers could withstand his cutting humor, his teammates couldn’t understand how he hadn’t scared off his fan club, and he had crushed a few hearts beneath his heel in his time.

He’d met his match in the natural enemy of heartbreakers: his university’s resident maneater.

“Hey!” Atsumu calls your name, lengthening his stride to catch up to you. You grimace—he can barely see your side profile now, but oh, you’re slowing down so he can catch up. Unusually considerate.

Oh, no, there’s just a clog in the artery of the crowded hallway, halting your escape.

“Hi,” he sing-songs, stretching the word out several extra syllables. 

“Good morning, Atsumu,” you say tightly, drawing up your shoulders so your arm won’t brush his bicep in the limited space. “I was hoping you’d died, since you weren’t in lecture this morning. Better yet, maybe someone buried you alive last night and you hadn’t dug your way out yet.”

“You went with the option that doesn’t kill me! You care,” he says happily, and takes a moment to bask in it. “I was actually at a volleyball game, you should come to one sometime, I’m pretty good at it—”

“I’d rather walk in traffic, ‘Tsumu,” you shoot him a wide smile that makes his knees feel weak and wobbly and shove your way straight through the crowd of people, leaving only an uncaring ‘Scuse me! in your wake. 

A lot of people would categorize your relationship with Atsumu as complicated. Atsumu is not one of those people.

Atsumu would categorize your relationship like this: many moons ago, you and he had been in a few of the same classes and shared some mutual friends—mere acquaintances. He hadn’t known you very well. In fact, he’d thought you were cute, which he now knows you aren’t. A few minor catastrophes he wasn’t privy to later, you had come to verbal blows with some loser in the middle of the quad. You’d later found it rather embarrassing. Watching you eviscerate him, though, Atsumu had experienced a fear like never before. If he was bloodthirsty, you bathed in ichor. 

He would always remember the look on your face as you dealt the final blow and turned away, walking with a straight back right toward him.

Atsumu, who had never seen anything quite like the look of controlled rage on your face as you took that man apart. Who wasn’t sure why the sound of you doing your damnedest to instigate a fight made him shiver despite being all too warm inside. Who was looking up at you from his seat like a puppy, desperate to see you don your war paint again.

You walked past him, because of course you did. You weren’t pulled by the same magnetic force he was, focused on him like he was suddenly fixated on you. You were barely acquainted with him and obviously going to your friends for moral support and ice cream and whatever it was people did after one of them basically tarred and feathered someone in the town square. He was merely a bystander along the path you strode.

Of course, the very action of totally ignoring his existence cinched it: he was hooked.

You would categorize your relationship with Atsumu like this: he had woken up one day and decided to drive you out of your fucking mind insane. 

You’d tried to ignore him. He was persistent, though, and he just pushed and pushed and pushed until he crossed the line. It was exhausting.

Except that you kind of loved fighting with him.

You couldn’t help the adrenaline rush it gave you, the way he seemed to light a fire inside you no one else could and keep it burning hot. It was almost like a release to debate him, the way some people boxed or listened to heavy metal to destress. The feeling of victory never failed to put a sparkle in your eye and a cocky smirk on your lips; sometimes, you felt like he was stepping back and letting you win.

This continued in perfectly pleasant vicious and sometimes bloody antagonism for the course of forever until a few months ago, when Atsumu had begun the new and inimitable torture of flirting with you. It was horrible and it was weird and you had no idea what kind of mind game he was playing, but you certainly intended to find out. 

Atsumu, for his part, had recently realized that he likes it when you smile so much more than when you scowl. He likes it when you flutter your lashes instead of staring flatly into his soul, hoping to yank it out and set it aflame. He likes it when you say nice things to him, which has only happened once, but was very nearly a second sexual awakening and thus monumental.

He does not like it when other men flirt with you.

“Your pencil is broken,” Osamu notes, glancing down at his brother’s clenched fist. “You’ll get splinters.”

“What? Oh,” says Atsumu distractedly. “Yeah, I’ll do it later.”

Your laugh rings across the library, the warm glow of a fireplace instead of the burning fires of hell you share with Atsumu. His grip slackens, and his twin takes the opportunity to prise the pulverized writing utensil out of his hand. This kindness goes unnoticed as the guy, that’s how Atsumu’s thinking the word in his mind, low and mocking, guy, says something to you that makes him instinctively kick Osamu in the shin.

“Ow! Douchebag!”

“Sorry, reflex,” Atsumu apologizes.

“Do you want to go with me?” Asks the dickhead you’re talking to.

“To ice cream? Sure,” you reply, and you don’t even sound like you’re being sarcastic. What the fuck? There’s a long pause while the jagoff scuffs his shoe against the floor, a red flush coming over his face while you stare slightly past him with your trademark stare. But your lips are slightly turned up.

The expression haunts Atsumu on his walk back. Your smile was so pretty, sweet and soft. You never smile at him except mockingly. 

“At the risk of sounding like I care,” Suna says. “Are you okay?” 

“If I killed someone, would you help me get rid of the body?” Atsumu says, staring straight ahead.

“No,” Osamu says, “he’s finding out about human emotions and he’s coping very badly.”

Atsumu is ignoring you. As quickly as his interest (his desire to piss you off) had flared up, it had disappeared seemingly overnight, which was fine for you. It was great! You had booted the most annoying man in the world out of your life and replaced him with a perfectly nice guy. Your life was coming up roses.

Except it was driving you insane. You had your phone out, held an inch below your desk, leaving the perfectly nice guy (what was his name? You hadn’t saved it in your contacts and you weren’t sure why) on read as you stared across the room at the faux-blond.

He was chattering to another boy who looked bemused and patient; probably another volleyball player. You were half-convinced this was part two of his ploy to get under your skin; he was playing the unpredictable game.

As you try to bore a hole in his brain with your eyes, you see him glance back at you for a second, just a second, and that’s it. You slam your palms down on the desk, shooting up from your seat, trying not to make eye contact when a few other students turn and look at you because of the noise. He still won’t look directly at you as you make your way to his seat.

“I just remembered I have to leave,” says Atsumu’s friend—Aran, not that you care what his friends are called—picking up his bag. “I have to go be anywhere else right now.”

“What,” Atsumu whines as he books it away from the two of you. “Oh. It’s you.”

“Yeah,” you snap, folding your arms in front of your chest. You’re not sure why you’re so angry, just at the look of his melting chocolate eyes and hunched shoulders and pouty lips. Ugh. He’s the worst. “You’re avoiding me. Why.” The question sounds more like a sentence or maybe a threat.

“I’m not doing that,” he defends weakly. “Maybe I just got tired of looking at your face.”

“My face is fucking precious, okay,” you argue, “you should want to look at it all the time. Idiot. What’s wrong with you?”

“I do—I mean, what? What’s wrong with you?” He returns, and there’s the familiar snap and sting that you like so much. “You don’t even like it when I talk to you—”

“I don’t!”

“So why are you mad now that I’m not?”

“Because—” You struggle for reasoning. You can’t find it. Something strange and huge is crawling its way up your throat.

“Because, uh, um,” he mocks you, and you almost sock him. “Make up your mind! I was trying to be nice to you, even though it’s fucking boring!”

“I don’t want you to be nice to me!” You shout, and then curl over, your face nearly in his lap as almost everyone else in the room turns to look at you. One of the library workers shushes you loudly. “It’s—you’re right, it is boring. Everything else is fucking boring. I like it when you bother me, ‘Tsumu, okay?”

“Okay,” Atsumu says, eyes widening, leaning away from you as you seem nearly on the verge of manic combustion in front of you. “Then—I’ll keep doing it?”

“Will you?” You sit up straight and look him squarely in the eye. He gulps, unsure what he’s being asked. Something is fluttering in his stomach, but he’s hesitant to trust it.

“Yeah,” he breathes, and it feels like so much more than a confession.

“You’re so fucking annoying,” you say, in the same deceptively soft tone. “Can I kiss you?”

“Not if I kiss you—” You grab his face before he can finish talking and smash your lips onto his, first hard and like you’re trying to bully your way into his mouth, then a little sweeter, a little more tender. “First?”

“I win,” you say smugly as he tries to remember how to breathe.

“Please leave,” says the librarian. 

You live alone, which is amazing, because if Atsumu were to see his brother or teammates right now he might commit felony battery. In your apartment, which is full of trinkets Atsumu wants to examine but can’t because he’s very busy staring at you, you shove him onto the couch and sit on him. Sort of like you’re wrestling, but not at all.

“If we’re goin’ out,” he says, “we are going out, right?”

“Yes, ‘Tsumu,” you say, and your smile is as bright as the stars. He clears his throat and prays his voice doesn’t crack.

“Good. Uh, if we’re goin’ out, does that mean you have to start bein’ nice to me?” 

“I’ll be nicer to you,” you promise.

“Oh.” His tone is almost disappointed. 

“Or,” you lean down, and he almost chokes on his own inhale. “I can date you and be mean to you at the same time,” you say into his reddening ear, your breath hot and your smiling lips barely, just barely brushing his skin. Atsumu makes a squeaking noise that can barely be understood. “What was that?”

“Yes, please,” he says fervently.

You bite his earlobe teasingly, and he finds that really nice, actually. The nicest.

#haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #hq!! x reader #atsumu x reader #miya atsumu x reader #atsumu miya x reader #atsumu x reader fluff #haikyuu!! fluff #hq!! fluff #hq fluff #haikyuu fluff #miya atsumu x reader fluff

[adamsrcnan]

OKAY OKAY here we goooo an annoyingly long-ish post about all my thoughts on The Sunshine Court

Spoilers Spoilers Spoilersss you've been warned

First things first it is so interesting to see Nora writing from not one but TWO new people's perspective. Jean's perspective is just devastating being inside his head is heartbreaking the constant fear and panic and how much of his energy is used on just pushing down every memory of what was done to him. His coping mechanisms are terrifying and i truly do hope by the end of book 2 he has a healthier way of dealing with it bc baby boy stop hurting yourself :( Every sentence was so painful to read. But also his resilience the entire time to get through it no matter what, god i fucking love him!!! He is a fighter.

Jeremy's perspective is sooooo refreshing. He is such a little sweetheart i could cry. The fact that he sends hand written letters and he's so caring and genuine but he can also be so stern. When he dropped that "i asked you a question" to Lucas fkehdjdfjdh OK SIR. I'M SAT. His relationship with the family butler is so endearing as well i need more background on that for sure! My only one criticism is that he didn't have enough pov chapters and i'm hoping we'll learn more in the second book of course because there's still so much about him and his (dysfunctional? toxic?) family dynamic that we don't know yet but also i'm greedy and i wanna know EVEYTHING about him !!!

Kevin and Jean are so just tragic it actually breaks my fucking heart like "you didn't have to slit my throat on the way out" JEAN??? and "promise me you won't try again. I can't lose you." KEVIN??? And the fact that Jean to this day is still keeping that promise. Also Jean's obvious but secret long term crush on Kevin the way it's subtly dropped every time Jean has to stamp down on his desire's and "temptations" GOD PLEASE I CAN'T STAND IT

SPEAKING OF!!! BISEXUAL JEAN ??? BI JEAN??? BI JEANNNN !!!!

Neil and Jean oh my God like where do i even start?? The guilt Jean feels at what happened to Neil in the Nest and him finally calling him by his name after Riko's death and telling him his game was good. And Neil seriously needs to give himself more credit for how much of a caring person he is because the way he indirectly told Jean that he thinks he is worth saving and didn't even hesitate before asking Stuart to send someone after That Guy after what Jean told him. Neil Josten the man that you are!!!

Jean's little sister Elodie what a beautiful name. Them being so close and him reading to her. The way he found out about her death jolted me differently. It was so awful and i'm so sorry Jean didn't get to see her grow up and meet her again.

Renee and Jean oh my god. Jean thinking she's beautiful (bitch me toooo) And the whole right person wrong time ugh i can't stand it. Him wearing her necklace all the time, enough that Jeremy always notices it. And unabashedly stealing her picture from the foxes lounge. Like he did not give a fuck. He said this one is mine. One good reason to stay alive being rainbows i'm gonna FKSJSKDHDH. Theirs would be such a soft love.

Speaking of soft loves Laila and Cat are EVERYTHINGGGG. God they are so cute with their little domestic life and their rich gay boy son who crashes on their couch with his cardboard cut out dog. That whole friendship dynamic is beautiful. Their fierce protectiveness and care over Jean as well and the patience they have with him even after the little kitchen incident. When Cat took Jean out for a drive on her motorcycle god that was such a heart warming moment and Jean helping them cook as well and becoming the girls' little sous chef it's so cute so endearing !!!

FINALLY FINALLY THE JEREJEAN DYNAMIC

PLEASE I'M GONNA SCREAM

Jeremy being the one who told Jean that Riko was dead i don't even know what to begin with THAT like hhhhhhh. The way they're both stupidly attracted to each other but won't/can't do anything about it. THE WHOLE "say yes Jeremy" SCENE WTF WAS THATTT I WAS GOING INSANEEEE. Both of them having to stop mid sentence when they catch the other looking FINE as hell. Jean being so obvious that even Lucas picks up on the way he looks at Jeremy. Jeremy being there to ground Jean in a Moment and helping him come down from it. Grabbing his face and telling him he's okay. Moving into the room with him to make him feel more comfortable !! The way Jean grabs Jeremy's chin (boiiiii). Jeremy constantly reminding Jean that he is NOT A RAVEN ANYMORE no matter how many times he has to say it. Jeremy saying he'll wait as long as it takes until Jean speaks to him. JEREMY GIVING HIM A HUG AND JEAN CLUTCHING DESPERATELY TO HIS SHIRT FUUCUFHDHSJHSSUHDH and then the "will you help me?" And the "Anything you need" AND THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE A CERAMICS CLASS TOGETHER?!?!?!!!! i can't i can't i can't i caaan'ttt

There's so much more to say but i'm gonna leave it at this for now because i need to go re-read it again and take my time with it this time round but i really could not have asked for anything better Nora truly outdid herself here !!! I'm forever grateful she blessed us with this after so long.

#i will probably be talking about all of this and more when it's safer to do so without spoilers #but yeah i just i cannot stress enough how PERFECT it was #everything i could want and more #god i love nora sm #the sunshine court spoilers #tsc spoilers #the sunshine court #tsc #all for the game #aftg #jean moreau #jeremy knox #renee walker #kevin day #neil josten #laila dermott #catalina alvarez #usc trojans #jerejean #jeanee #kevjean

[anonymouspuzzler]

you know what? fuck you (heartbreak gulch's my own guys)

(@heartbreakgulch courtesy of the inimitable @strangegutz & collaborators, also miscellaneous Thoughts under the cut bc it's my blog no one can stop me the doors have closed behind you)

HEARTBREAKER BULKHEAD:

Probably does not have superpowers anymore but still came from a family of considerable influence and was under pressure to inherit, pressure which he very much Broke Under.

Turned to a life of crime, definitely got in over his head with it, and essentially got rescued by Eddie, who he is Utterly Obsessed With And Heartsick For.

Has spent literal years as one of Eddie's attack dogs and generally jumping through hoops for him for Whatever Scraps Of Affection He Can Get, though he's still kind of squeamish around Literal Murder and thus tends to be assigned to supply runs and such most of the time.

Amateur mechanic and car enthusiast. Probably did a lot of McGyver-ass fixes around the Gulch-slash-generally assisted Ami til Davey was recruited.

Speaking of, was still the guy who recruited-slash-rescued Davey. They fell for each other hard and are in a committed relationship now, which has helped Buck take a little bit of a healthier step back with whatever the hell he and Eddie have going on (and helped him be a little less jealous and curmudgeonly about the Hot Young Things In Town, ie Zeki and Felix).

Absolutely not prepared to be a guardian to Minnie which has led his and Eddie's whole Relationship to enter a fun new stage of "hey man can I ask you for parenting advice nothing weird"

HEARTBREAKER DYNAMO:

Pretty similar backstory to the Villain-Coded version. Civilian turned criminal, lost his arm when he got in over his head on a job and Buck rescued him.

Has a bunch of different prosthetics he swaps out for different purposes, ie. one for combat, one to use for mechanic work, a kinda general use/everyday one, etc. That said, he goes without a lot to make sure he's prepared for a situation where he doesn't have access/one breaks or fails on a job/etc.

An alarmingly good recruit; I feel like originally Eddie kind of let him stick around as a kind of "gift" to Buck, but now that he's actually got him on jobs he's become a real rising star. Real good in a scrap and is a little more flexible with his moral lines in the sand compared to Buck. Outside of that he works with Ami a lot doing mechanics and repairs - probably interested in learning CompanDroid maintenance/repair but figures it'd be skeevy for him to push that point too much.

He and Eddie have a complicated relationship I think. They'd be kinda suspicious/distrusting of each other but also have a LOT of similarities and work really well together. To say nothing of their respective relationships with Buck.

I don't think he's Trying to Uncle the younger recruits in the Gulch but he definitely Does. He likes White a lot. He and Ami would also definitely get along really well. He is being The Bigger Man and Mature Adult and not giving Felix a wedgie no matter how badly he wants to

HEARTBREAKER(?) MINNIE:

From the same family of prominence as Buck and is currently very much on the run after a failed attempt to kill her own dad.

Extremely a city kid and is Not necessarily adapting well to Middle Of Nowhere Self Sustained Living.

Knew Of Buck but never met him before this so his whole Life and Little Criminal Commune featuring Multiple Guys He's Got SOMETHING Going On With is. it's a lot

Would like to do some crime actually but is A) still a little traumatized and adjusting to the whole Situation and B) 13 Whole Real Human Years Old.

Fascinated by Zeki's whole deal and his work but I think they would absolutely bring out the worst in each other they would fight so much. Autism to autism hostility

Having a very complicated response to White and Ami wherein she thinks they're SO cool but interacting with them at any length would make her realize Things About Herself that she's not consciously ready to confront so just like. Imagine being White and looking over your shoulder and that 13 year old is just Intensely Staring At You Unblinking from around a corner and as soon as she realizes you've seen her she turns around and runs off as fast as she can directly into a wall

Zarita absolutely hitting that Cool Just Slightly Older Kid niche for her.

#anonymous puzzler art #anonymous puzzler originals #villain coded comic #heartbreak gulch #strangegutz #long post #it's fun to put your Guys in a New Situation! love that!!! #fun and interesting to think ok what about you is inherent no matter the setting and what changes when your situation is different #(the funny thing being I don't think a lot would fundamentally have to change about the HBG gang in villain-coded) #(like sure why not we can have compandroids. we can have the criminal haven in the desert. that all makes sense.)

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I keep going back to a specific scene in s2e3, the one where Izzy finds Stede in the fucked-up captain's cabin on the Revenge, because I think this scene largely serves as a refutation of Izzy's claim that he knows Ed "better than anyone else" and further proves how little he understands Stede, giving Stede a chance to prove to the audience that he gets Ed in a way Izzy doesn't.

From just Stede's angle, it's very nicely done. Izzy expects Stede to be upset about the state of his cabin; Stede doesn't care about his possessions, he's more worried about Ed. Izzy expects Stede not to have any inkling of what Ed's self-destructive spiral looked like; Stede knows Ed "was either going to watch the world burn or die trying." This scene leaves Izzy with no choice other than to recognize he has underestimated how much Stede understands Ed.

But I want to talk about what this scene tells us about how Izzy thinks of Ed.

First off: we can't take anything Izzy says in this scene at face value, because he says he couldn't have killed Ed even though we know that Izzy fully believes Ed is laying dead in the belly of the ship during this conversation. The mutiny on Ed is extremely well-written; we can not blame a single character for beating our beloved Ed to death and that's a feat in itself, but Izzy here is casually lying in a way the others weren't. With Jim and Frenchie and Fang, the guilt was fucking palpable, Izzy's lie could almost pass under the radar in this scene because it seems so genuine. I don't doubt that Izzy feels guilty; his guilt just feels more about him and the danger he and the other mutineers are in than it does about Ed.

But there's one specific line that keeps jumping out at me, because it is just so incredibly cruel: when Izzy says "he was a wild dog, and we treated him like one." We know that Ed specifically chose to incite a mutiny as his method of suicide; Ed himself seems to have wanted his death to be more like an execution because he doesn't seem to think he deserves a painless death. And Izzy here seems to be agreeing with that.

This line dehumanizes Ed in a very striking way. It takes away his agency, makes his actions seem entirely random and baseless, and rips away the context that Ed was acting from a place of deep, deep heartbreak and fear that Izzy himself triggered. This line makes my lip curl every time I hear it, it is such a disgusting thing to say about another person, especially a person who you believe you have just participated in violently beating to death, which was so traumatic that poor Fang is on the verge of tears this entire episode.

And then Izzy says that the crew have suffered enough thanks to Izzy and Stede - he's taking responsibility, a bit, here, but the way it's framed sticks out to me because Izzy shows so little sympathy for Ed in this entire conversation (see: the "wild dog" comment).

Izzy is willing to stick up for the crew, in his own way. He's willing to advocate for them in a way he never had before; they have just saved his life. But he is completely unwilling to talk about Ed like he's a person at all. Still, at this point, Izzy does not recognize or sympathize with Ed's feelings. His earlier claim that he "understands" Ed is absolutely laughable when we compare it to this scene because, to him, Ed is a caricature of a person, only capable of responding with anger when provoked enough and otherwise not worth the effort to engage with. It shows us that Izzy loved what Ed could offer him, a position of power, but not Ed himself, because he barely even saw Ed as a person at all. It's a very good scene.

#ofmd #our flag means death #feeling shrimp emotions #izzy critical #it's not really but it's talking about the canon guy so i'm covering my bases i guess

[waterloggedsoliloquy]

mutual 1: sorry the update for my webcomic this week is a bit late! i really had to rush it so it prolly looks really sloppy lol [some of the most sophisticated comic art ive ever seen]

mutual 2: call me uterine lining the way astarions cervix got me bleeding profusely

mutual 3: do you think nanowrimo will give me a posthumous pity publishing deal if i mention it in my suicide note

mutual 4: okay fine i finally started revolutionary girl utena

mutual 5: does columbo know the service he did for butch lesbians. for all of us

mutual 6: wish you were here [blurry picture set of conifer woods in early autumn evening, taken as if frantically running down a winding trail]

mutual 4: im pretty hardy i dont need the trigger list but thanks for looking out for me guys

mutual 7: good morning lovelies another day the wizard tried to best me and another day i successfully locked him in the spare bathroom lol hope u like drinking shampoo fucker

mutual 8: here is a zip of every yuri manga scan i have and here is a backup in case i get dcma'd. the himejoshi lifestyle will never die

mutual 9: i wish i could go back in time to the shinzo abe assassination and ask to hold the doohickey

mutual 10: here's my essay on how wanting to be loved is the same as wanting to be eaten. three paragraphs in you'll find out that this is 100% tied to an obscure beauty and the beast manga i've been reading lately and how much i want to fuck the beast

mutual 4: oh thats why there was the trigger list.

mutual 11: YOU CAN'T LOCK ME IN THIS BATHROOM FOREVER

mutual 12: why do i have to defend my thesis to people i dont even respect. im not dickriding you just give me the degree

mutual 13: its just me and this scab ive picked into my scalp against the world

mutual 14: my little dragon got glazed and is ready to go into the kiln! everyone wish him good luck!

mutual 3: nvm i am a beautiful genius. perhaps the most beautiful genius of all

mutual 15: i think we should give david lynch rpgmaker and whatever happens happens

mutual 16: kpeyboaatrds brpokem gpuys

mutual 17: also heres my work in progress glossary of mixtec words! i still have a long way to go but i love being able to preserve my roots even in this small way

mutual 4: i just finished the black rose arc. question: what

mutual 18: i need emet-selch to be my wife

mutual 19: i need glados to be my husband

mutual 20: visited the ocean today!!! <3 beach pics!!! there is a darkness growing within me

mutual 21: the forms for my legal name change came in. pls vote in this poll of what my middle name should be: Dill Pickle (Dickle for short), Optimus Prime, Tumblr User Gorgonicteratologist, Smeve

mutual 22: just finished my 100th book of the year! this weeks read was the uses of enchantment by the psychologist bruno bettelheim,

mutual 23: reeses penis butter cups lol

mutual 4: i need to hunt akio for sport

mutual 24: oouugghhrgh. hot. dog.

mutual 25: your favorite character or fictional other would want you to brush your teeth and wash your face so you're well rested and wake up feeling refreshed! make them proud!

mutual 26: being a delivery driver isnt the worst job ive ever had but i do keep wondering what itd be like to drive off into the wild blue yonder one day and not come back

mutual 27: weird dog? [phone picture of critically endangered stork]

mutual 28: i think the two phone line polls in front of my house are having a lovers tryst. no way to prove it tho

mutual 4: WHAT

mutual 29: while you bitches are balduring your gates or finalling those fantasies im doing what a REAL gamer does. playing a b tier rpg that came out in 2004 for the 18th time

mutual 30: ^ real. hamtaro ham ham heartbreak is a masterpiece of interactive art. im not even going to call it a video game at this point

mutual 4: THAT'S HOW IT ENDS?! ANTHY?

mutual 31: can you help me pick which drawing looks better: 34% overlay or 36% soft light?

mutual 32: new video essay out. its called disability in video game narratives: final fantasy 14's most reliable fault. i churned the script out over an all-nighter and my mic crapped out halfway through but by god i did it

mutual 33: my new zine bundle is out! if you buy it you also get a discount on all my game jam games! i really cant wait for you to play them!

mutual 4: yall should watch revolutionary girl utena

#cecil drawls #long post #i love you guys

[grayintogreen]

OKAY HERE WE GO LET’S TALK.

- there was nothing I disliked?? Like sure it had its flaws as all big budget spectacles do but the only glaringly obvious flaw would be if you liked Adam Warlock, which I do not. That fucking gold himbo twink was fucking hilarious.

- ROCKET’S BACKSTORY WAS SOMEHOW WORSE THAN I IMAGINED??? I played him for like six years on DWRP and had tons of headcanons, do you know how HARD it is for canon to be more heartbreaking than my brain??

- I’m so glad my animal abuse squick does not apply to CGI animals. If your animal abuse squick does apply to CGI, you will have a BAD TIME.

- The Rocket content in this movie was off the chain considering he spent half of it in a coma.

- I am always a slut for “your favorite character is the most important thing in the world to a villain and he’ll stop at nothing to get him.” So, uh, good job Gunn!!! You read me for filth pal.

- Love how “I’m lobotomizing my blorbo because no one else is doing it” in LitMoR reflected real life. Let’s lobotomize all my favorite characters.

- BABY ROCKET WAS SO FUCKING CUTE. MUMBLING HIS WAY THROUGH TECHNOBABBLE. I ALMOST DIED. Just all the baby Rocket. He is a sweet little angel.

- how the fuck did you give that raccoon a Philly accent my dude.

- High Evolutionary going down as one of my favorite marvel bad guys because of being OTT and so unhinged his own people were like dude chill.

- “you’re unreasonably obsessed with that animal.” BITCH ME TOO.

- I assume Rocket’s crying fit after Lylla got shot was Bradley Cooper and if so he and Spike Spencer need to go sit in a room and think about what they’ve done to my heart. People doing gut wrenching sobs with only their voice gut me.

- A member of the audience SCREAMED when Lylla got shot. That sums it up.

- love that Rocket ripped that guy’s face off. Love that he didn’t blow his head off. You left him to die!! You could’ve finished him off!!

-PHYLLA-VEL????

- COSMO WAS BEST GIRL. Her being so mad and distressed that Kraglin called her a bad dog was the best running gag.

- we got the first onscreen appearance of Rocket introducing himself as “Rocket Raccoon.” Bless his heart.

- When Rocket almost died and Lylla sent him back, my sister turned to me sobbing and said she hated me for making her like these movies and me through tears said “yeah I know.”

-We have not ruled out Asexual Rocket which was the only headcanon I wanted to keep and Lylla was RIGHT THERE. So I was concerned.

- I love how mean 2014 Gamora is. She’s the best.

- I don’t have a lot of thoughts that aren’t about Rocket, guys. If you want more thoughts, go to the person who isn’t obsessed with a raccoon.

#guardians of the galaxy #guardians of the galaxy vol 3 #GotG vol 3 spoilers

[zarasu]

What I think about Bingge

So, funny story: I did not start out liking Bingge. I doubt most people do. The first thoughts I had about him were "Damn, boy's fucked up" and "Who starts ripping off limbs without even asking questions first?" He seemed more like the final boss of a horror game than a fleshed-out character.

Then I finished the book and went "Ehh do I wanna read the extras?" Tbh, I skimmed a lot of them but the Bingge vs Bingmei one was one of the few I fully read, just because the premise sounded interesting.

And it was interesting alright, to see Bingge do something else than torturing people and ripping off arms. But none of it really made my brain light up until that little scene where Bingge watches Shen Qingqiu fuss over Bingmei. Then he asks him to come with him, to choose him, and Shen Qingqiu says no. Bingge returns to his own world, sad and alone.

"Well, sucks to be you," I thought, and "lol, I sure hope that doesn't awaken anything in me."

...

Two weeks later, I found myself lying in bed, thinking about Bingge with a single tear rolling down my cheek.

I really shouldn't be sad for him, I told myself. He has a big harem full of hot women to tell him how great he is all day. If he's not happy, then it's really his own fault.

But what if he's more the monogamous type, my heart wailed back. Or what if he's too fucked up to let anyone love him??

Ugh, alright, I gave in. Let's think about him then.

So, Bingge is a power fantasy made for incels. But even Bingge was Bunhe once. He shares a past with Bingmei and they are, at their core, the same person. And if you can say one thing about Bunhe, it's that he really has an undying hopeful streak. Sure, when Shen Yuan transmigrated, it took him a while to gain Bunhe's trust. But even after all the beatings and insults and humiliation, he did gain it.

Bunhe gave him his trust because he desperately wants Shen Qingqiu to love him. And, if not love him, at least like him. And if not that, then at least not hate him. When Shen Qingqiu actually showed notions of doing just that, loving him, he was all over that like a dog getting a treat and a head pat for the first time in his life.

But Bingge never got that. He hoped and hoped and kept hoping for Shen Qingqiu to show even a hint of affection and all he got in return was the firm assurance that, no, Shen Qingqiu would never feel anything but hate for him.

That has to give a guy issues. Probably makes him feel deeply unlovable. Hate himself, even. Binghe is a little dumb about things like these, he likely didn't give up hope until Shen Qingqiu physically pushed him into the abyss. He probably spent a lot of nights in the abyss crying into his dirty little sleeves.

But you gotta find ways to cope with heartbreak, right? So, eventually, lightly charred Bunhe stood up straight, turned his little determined protagonist eyes up to the sky and said: "I'm going to make him regret it! He will rue the day he cast me away!" And he went on to become stallion protagonist #1, demon emperor, conqueror, etc etc.

The thing is this: if you build your whole identity on the idea of making the guy who hates you regret his feelings, you're not really over him, you get what I'm saying? You're like, the opposite of over him. Not a good emotional state to connect to the hot women throwing themselves at you either.

So yeah, after that, Bingge did all kinds of things that aren't really that important, but eventually, he got Shen Qingqiu where he wanted him: in the water prison (also kneeling at his feet). And I'm sure I have an inkling of what went on in his dumb little head. It may have been something like:

"Aha!! Now I have the evil Shizun in prison, where evil men like him belong! Finally, people have told him how evil he is! I'm going to go and talk to him and make him see the error of his ways. And when the horror of what he did finally dawns on him, and he apologises, I might forgive him and give him another chance."

Shen Jiu being Shen Jiu, he probably laughed right in Binghe's face and also spit at him too, for good measure (as is, in this case, kinda relatable). So Binghe's righteous little plan didn't quite work out as he wanted it to. This procedure might have been repeated a few times but, well.

Binghe's emotions are already volatile on a good day. Add Xin Mo to that. Add childhood trauma and Shen Jiu to that. One time, he snaps and reaches out to rough Sqq up a little, just to make him regret his own behaviour. Underestimating his own strength, he rips off his arm instead.

Awkward situation, that.

What are you supposed to do after ripping off someone's arm? Maybe Binghe just went to bed and stared at the ceiling for a while, thinking about his life choices.

See, at this point, another person might have thought: "My life is going in the wrong direction. I need to change something, maybe go on a journey of self-discovery or something."

But Binghe has never been the best at things like morals and ethics, no matter what version of him we're talking about. Even Bingmei, who had a comparatively more stable home life, never really got the hang of that stuff (Turning some people into lifeless husks? Well, better than fucking someone, right? The man you love apparently just isn't as insane about you as you are about him? Time to destroy the world^^)

Anyway, you gotta go on, and I'm sure Binghe found some convincing enough arguments for why ripping arms off was an acceptable thing to do.

"But Zar," you may interrupt me. "How can anyone think that's an acceptable thing to do?"

See, in all honesty? I think, deep inside, Binghe knows it's not. But right next to that knowledge lies another knowledge: it's that he's unlovable. And if he's unlovable, it can only be because, at his core, he's already rotten. And if you're already evil? You might as well do evil things, doesn't make much of a difference anymore.

So things escalate, surely not helped by Xin Mo. Shen Qingqiu loses limbs with the same speed other people lose socks, and when even that doesn't heal him of his evil ways, Binghe comes up with the whole Yue Qingyuan plot. And when even that doesn't help, he loses his patience and kills everyone.

Then he sits there, on his throne, surrounded by hot women, fully charred, not so little anymore, and without a Shizun he can hope to one day convince of his worth.

There sits Shen Yuan, a world away, growing increasingly frustrated at how purposeless Bingge's life has become.

Then the extra happens, and Bingge gets transported to a world where another Binghe got everything he ever wanted: the love of his Shizun. And, all at once, the hope he thought he had killed and buried flares back to life, never having been dead after all, and burns Binghe up until he's nothing more than the bare bones of his desperation.

But the other Shizun doesn't love him. He only loves the other, inferior Binghe. He looks upon Bingge coldly before he sees his husband and his eyes turn warm. And it's like Bingge is looking at a funhouse mirror, at a world of dreams and wishes that never came true.

In the end, he's still as unlovable as he has ever been. And he goes back to his own world, and he feels flayed with the knowledge of everything he will never have.

And I just think it's impressive how Shen Qingqiu manages to break every version of Binghe without even trying.

#svsss #svsss meta #original luo binghe #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #idle thoughts #pidw

[pennyserenade]

i have thought in great detail about coriolanus and sejanus, and whether or not coriolanus ever really liked sejanus. i think that the novel/movie are purposefully constructed to make this ambiguous, but i prefer to veer on the side of "yes, he did."

coriolanus' way of loving people was...lacking, to say the least. even with tigris, he thought awful, mean things about her, but it was evident he cared very much for her. the problem with coriolanus was not that he couldn't love -- it was that he could not love without first being assured that his investment would yield positive results for him. at least, he could not readily admit to himself that he was loving until he knew it was going to work out for him.

his character is very succinctly summed up by sejanus, when he tells him, "I remember that from school, watching you watch other people. Pretending you weren't. And choosing the moments you weighed in so carefully" (397). without fully knowing the totality of it, sejanus got it all too right: coriolanus took people in, measured them out, decided what they meant to him, and weighed in when he thought it'd benefit him. coriolanus was calculated in all things, most of all in love—a thing he knew made you vulnerable.

but that's not to say what coriolanus said to himself was the exact same thing as what he felt. if it was, i do not believe he would've done half the things he had done for sejanus--even given the prospect of reward in the end. this is part of what makes coriolanus descent into evil so heartbreaking: a part of him was good. he did want for connection and comfort, even if he had a real fucked up way of going about getting it. coriolanus was a dog that bit without fully knowing why; it was a protective instinct he used, because so much of his life had been filled with loss already.

in the book, after coriolanus snuck his father's handkerchief with lucy gray's scent into the tank of snakes, he went to sejanus' house. this is an incredible detail that so many people tend to overlook when they talk about coriolanus and sejanus' friendship. the beginning of the chapter reads:

"What had he done? What on earth had he done? His heart raced as he blindly turned down one street and then another, trying to make sense of his actions. He couldn't think clearly but had the dreadful feeling he'd crossed some line that could not be uncrossed" (287).

we start this chapter with a frenzied, rattled coriolanus, one terribly afraid of what he had just done and the consequences this action might have later. he was scared and isolated, and he didn't know what to do. a little further on, collins writes: "His feet had carried him far from home, but he realized the Plinth apartment was just a few minutes away. Why not pop in?" (288).i find this construction of words to be fascinating, especially in relation to coriolanus--a character we have come to known as calculated and precise, even in moments when he has to think on his feet. one could argue that during this part of the book, and in this state, it makes sense that coriolanus might wander that far from his home absent-mindedly. it shows how out of touch with himself he had become, and just how much the act he had just committed disorientated him. but i think it was more than that. i think coriolanus wanted to go to the plinth's house, that he was seeking comfort after he had done something incredibly dangerous (something, arguably, that sejanus might have done), and he could not admit it to himself. and his original intention had been to see sejanus, but sejanus was asleep.

the fact that collins wrote "his feet had carried him" and "he realized" is so brilliant. i’ve got lots of opinions about why she chose to write the book in a third person point of view. one of the reasons i think she did it has to do with the fact that coriolanus was distancing himself from himself--shedding culpability through phrases such as these, especially in moments like this. coriolanus did love sejanus, but he simply could not admit it to himself because sejanus was not a safe or wise investment to make. coriolanus refused to give credence to his need for him, and it ended up killing the boy in the long run.

#sejanus plinth #coriolanus snow #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #tbosas #suzanne collins #tbosas meta #tbosas analysis #didn't mean to write an essay #this fully was meant to be a short post but i had finished all my homework #and suddenly i had my kindle app open and i wrote a page number without thinking (bc i am an english major and this is my lot) #and bam it was an essay

[holylulusworld]

Big girls don't cry (3)

Summary: You are no stranger to heartbreak.

Pairing: CEO!Steve Rogers x Plussized!Reader

Warnings: heavy angst, strong reader, mentions of former heartbreak, arguments, regret

Big girls don’t cry masterlist

Part 2

“What do you want here?” you put your hands on your hips to stare down at Steve. He sits in front of your door, a bouquet of roses in his hands. “I told you to stay away from me and my home.”

“Doll, please listen to me. I quit my job. I gave up everything that meant the world to me before I met you,” Steve scrambles to his feet when you try to unlock your door. “Give me five minutes. What I said to Bucky and Sam was a lie. I was head over heels for you the moment I met you.”

You shake your head, and huff. “Steve, I believe you.” He smiles and nods. Steve tries to hand you the roses, but you cross your arms over your chest. 

“That’s good. You know now that I love you, and that this was just a stupid mistake. I promise to make things up to you. I’ll be the man you want.”

“Steve,” you get a little louder. “I said that I know that you lied. But this doesn’t mean that I will forgive you. Bucky and Sam are your best friends, and you made them believe that our relationship means nothing to you. That you only fuck me to get close to my grandma.”

“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t think,” he sniffs. “Please. I already told them that I lied. Please give me the chance to prove that I can be the man you deserve.”

“I’ve got enough,” you size Steve up. “I met enough people judging me, pushing me around, and using me. There are too many people who believe that my size means I’m less worthy than a slim woman. It would be nice if my value was not measured by my size for once. Especially not by the man I love. The one I believed is the one I will spend the rest of my life with.”

“Y/N, doll…I would never do such a thing,” Steve pales as the realization hits him right in the face. “Oh my god.” He drops the roses and falls to his knees. “Do you believe I lied to Bucky and Sam because of your appearance? Fuck. Baby. I love everything about you. You’re beautiful in any way.”

“I wish—” your voice cracks, and you struggle to push the tears away. “I wish this was true, and that I can believe you. But I can’t.” You step onto the roses, crushing them with your heels. “I won’t let you hurt me again.”

“Baby…” Steve looks at the broken roses on the ground. He sniffs and tries to fathom that you believed he lied to his friends because of your size…

Steve paces his friend’s living room. He stops and shakes his head before pacing again.

“Steve, calm the fuck down,” Bucky grunts. “What has gotten into you? You quit your job and attacked your boss. I’m worried about you, man. Be honest, are you on drugs?”

Steve doesn’t listen. He stares out of the window and sighs deeply.

“Buck, you don’t understand. Y/N believes I said the things I said because of her size. How can she believe that I’d judge her appearance? She’s so beautiful and I love her.” 

“Wait-“ Bucky wrinkles his nose. “This is about your girlfriend. Uh-is she still mad at you? I mean, I get it. You fucked up big time. But usually, you only need to use your puppy dog eyes and smile and they are all over you again.”

“She’s different,” Steve looks over his shoulder. “Y/N didn’t tell me about people treating her badly. She’s always kind, and cheerful. I never thought that anyone hurt such a kind soul.”

“Shit, you are head over heels and butterflies in the stomach in love with that woman, huh?” Bucky grins. “I will so tease the shit out of you when you are a wreck before your wedding.”

“There will be no wedding. She never wants to see me again, Buck. I get it now. The moment I said those stupid things because I wanted you to leave me alone, I broke her trust in me. I don’t think there is a way to fix this. How can you fix broken trust?”

“Leave this to Bucky,” the brunette grins. “I’m your man when it comes to the ladies.” He winks at Steve, earning an eye-roll. “I’ve got you, Stevie.”

“Wait! Please—” Bucky dodges your attack right before the baseball bat can hit his head. “HEY! Don’t kill the messenger. I only tried to tell you that Steve is not a bad guy. He’s an idiot…and he doesn’t know what to say to a woman sometimes…but he loves you.”

“Get out of my sight,” you poke the baseball bat in Bucky’s chest. He’s much taller than you and beefy, but you are not scared of him. If you must, you’ll smash his skull. “I don’t want to have anything to do with you or him.”

“What about the wedding?” Raising his hands Bucky looks at you. “He asked you to marry him. Right? He showed my sister the ring weeks ago.”

“Ring?” You furrow your brows. “What do you mean?”

“Uh-oh…crap. I assume he wanted us to leave to ask the big question,” Bucky winces. “We fucked things up for Stevie.”

“He wanted to marry me?”

“Yeah. I mean…that’s what Rebecca said. She almost punched my nose for messing with you and Stevie.” Bucky offers a cracked smile. “Steve gets nervous and shy when it comes to talking about feelings.”

“Why?” 

“You see, he was a small, awkward, and sick boy. Most of the guys and even girls made fun of him. Once he told a girl he likes her, and everyone laughed about him because she told the whole class about it.”

Bucky watches you wring your hands. Steve never told you about all of this. He had a tough past too, and you didn’t know about it.

“I don’t believe you. I bet he was the quarterback, and all the girls were all over him. Don’t try to bullshit me, Barnes.”

“Wait…I got pictures…” Bucky gets his phone out. “Here…”

You snatch the phone out of Bucky’s hands. It’s true. The boy in the pictures looks small and weak. But he has Steve’s eyes and his smile.

“He was a cute lil fucker, right?” Bucky snickers. “The girls should’ve loved him, not make fun of his appearance. He was smart, kind, and funny. If only one of them would’ve given him a chance.”

“Yeah. He was cute,” you grin. “Look at that bastard. He could’ve broken all the girls’ hearts.”

“So…will you give him a chance,” Bucky hopefully asks. “I know he fucked shit up. But—he’s so in love with you.”

“I…I don’t know. He hurt me deeply. All of my insecurities resurfaced because of the things he said. Even if he didn’t mean it, Steve still said it. I need time to think about it.”

“Okay…uh…but remember lil Stevie is still that insecure and awkward boy. He only tried to hide his true feelings to make sure no one would laugh about him again…”

Part 4

Tags in reblog.

#steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #au!steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #Big girls don't cry (3) #steve rogers angst

[gretavangroupie]

Vigilance (Chapter 20)

Word count: 28.0k

Pairings: Jake x Reader, Sam x Reader, Sam x OC, Jake x OC

Warnings: Alcohol, Cursing, Dramatic Themes. Smut Including: Kissing, Touching, Making Out, Light Degradation, Name Calling, Angst Including: Nightmares, Infidelity, Manipulation, Jealousy, Possessiveness, Toxic Themes, Arguments, Yelling, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Fighting, Extreme Portrayal of Sadness, Crying, Cheating on Partner, Abandonment, Heartbreak.

This story is a collaboration with my best pal @gretavanmoon.

JAKE POV

You toss the two metal suitcases haphazardly into the back of your Jeep, slamming the trunk door shut and rolling your eyes as you curse yourself for insisting on matching suitcases. You walk around to the driver's side to find Y/N buckled into the passenger seat, twisting her fingers together as she stares out the side window deep in her thoughts. 

You twist the key in the ignition and hear the engine roar to life as you step back out to say goodbye to the others. Y/N makes no moves to exit the car or say goodbye to anyone. She’s hardly spoken at all since this morning, and for that you were grateful. You couldn’t think of a single word she could possibly say that wouldn’t boil your blood.

You shut the door and walk over to Josh’s car, watching him load his own bags into his trunk.

“You outta here?” he asks.

“Yeah, see you in a few days?” you ask.

“You good to drive? You were pretty fucked up this morning…” he says, raising an eyebrow to you as he ponders back to the state he found you in. Drunk and alone at the bar at 7:00am.

“Yeah, just drank too much last night. Needed a little hair of the dog.” you lie, hoping he will buy it enough to just let it go.

“Right. Well, tell Y/N I’ll call her soon about next week.” he says, gesturing to the car.

You turn towards the car and scoff, nearly forgetting she was hired on.

“Yeah. Right. Well, see ya.” you say, smacking his shoulder and heading back to the car. 

“Later!” Danny yells from across the parking garage, helping Sam and Elle load their things into his car.

You lift two fingers towards him and nod your head as you pull the handle on the door. Sliding into the seat, you pull your phone from your pocket and turn on a playlist so loud, she has no choice but to remain silent for the entirety of the drive.

As you sit in traffic on the interstate you tap your fingers against the steering wheel. The sky is turning dark now, and your day of travel is wearing on you heavily. Couple that with your night last night and you’re ready to lock yourself away for a few days with little to no contact from the outside world.

As you stepped into the elevator this morning you weighed your options. Go to Josh’s room and be forced to tell him everything, or go to the bar and drink until you felt nothing. With the second option sounding better you found yourself slung back into the black vinyl chair of the lobby bar with a never ending lowball glass of Johnnie Walker.

As your brain started to slip back into that fuzzy state where real life didn’t exist, you started to scroll through pictures on your phone, reminiscing about the girl you thought you knew while shitty club music played in the background. 

After your third glass you felt a hand on your shoulder, and turned to find Josh stepping up behind you already speaking to the bartender.

“Hey man, can we close out?” he asks, sliding a card across the bartop.

“What the fuck are you doing Jake? Why are you in here? Where the fuck is Y/N? We have to get to the airport like, fucking now…”

“Dunno…don’t care…” you slur, attempting to stand from the barstool for the first time in what had to be hours. “Gotta piss…” you grumble.

“Where’s your shit? Are you packed? Please tell me you’re fucking packed.” he begs.

You spin your head around towards the doorway, pointing at your metal suitcase.

“Thank fuck.” he breathes, pulling you out the door, and grabbing your suitcase.

The next thing you knew you were falling into your seat on the plane, ordering another round. You had to. There was no way you could bear to spend five hours on a plane sitting next to her. You could hardly look at her. You tossed back the entirety of your drink before the plane even began to taxi the runway. Your eyelids felt heavy and you slumped down into your seat, resting your head on the window paying no mind to the woman sitting next to you. 

As the plane started to take off, you caught yourself instinctually reaching for her hand, but even in your drunken state you remembered what she’d done to you. To both of you. You pulled your hand into your lap, scrolling on your phone and pretending not to notice her fidgeting and white knuckle grip on the arm rest as the plane gained altitude. Serves her right. Where’s Sam now?

You must have fallen asleep shortly after your second drink, because the next thing you remember was Danny saying your name and shaking your shoulder, telling you to grab your shit. As you woke up fully and noticed her gone, you almost felt a sense of relief. That was, until you remembered she would be coming home with you. 

The alcohol had dissipated from your system enough that your mind was clear, but your body felt like you’d been hit by a truck. Maybe you had, it would have surely been less painful than the past twenty-four hours.

So here you found yourself, stuck on I-24 nursing a massive hangover desperate to be home in your bed and completely unsure and quite frankly, unbothered by your silent passenger, and her plans.

You turn your head to catch a glance at her, for what reason you don’t know, and even in the dark of the car’s cabin you can see her watery eyes and puffy face. If your anger weren’t so present in the forefront of your mind you might almost feel bad for her spending her day in this state. But it is, and you don’t, as you continue the trek back home.

—

You unload the bags from the trunk and lock the car, as you both make your way up the sidewalk and to the front door. She stands several feet away from you as you unlock the door, squeaking slightly as it swings open. 

You roll your suitcase straight into the bedroom, and shut the door behind you. You hear her stop at the door and her breathing hitch, as she rolls her suitcase to the guest room and quietly shuts the door. 

You kick off your shoes and fall back onto your bed, holding your hands over your face as you let yourself wallow for a few minutes. How did you end up back here? Back to feeling like shit over a woman?

You pull yourself up from the bed and strip down, desperate for a shower. Bathing away last night's mistakes and today's reminders your stomach growls, alerting you to the fact that you hadn’t eaten since the pretzels on the plane. 

Pulling on a pair of sweats you quickly run your fingers through your wet hair, and quietly step out of the bedroom. You pad down the hallway to the kitchen, and look through the pantry at what quick options you have to choose from, gathering a few things and making your way to the stove.

A few minutes later you find yourself pulling two bowls from the cabinet, out of pure instinct, setting them on the counter to fill them with the makeshift dinner you’d made. Instead you fill only one bowl, and grab one fork, pulling the last corona from the fridge before making your way to your bedroom and shutting the door.

Turning on the TV you scroll through endless options, not even letting your eyes glance at the show the two of you had been watching together, instead trying to find something you know she'd hate just to spite her. 

Choosing the first thing to pique your interest, you settled back into your headboard, and started to eat the quick pasta you were able to manage in your hungover state.

Your phone buzzes on the nightstand and you look over at it, swallowing heavily as you see her name light up the screen.

You set down your food and grab your phone, sliding across the screen to open her message.

LD

8:04 pm: Can we talk?

No. You lock your phone and toss it onto the bed returning your attention back to your dinner and your show. There’s a nagging feeling in the back of your mind that wants to reply to her, but you push it away.

Bzz. Bzz.

With a huff you pick up the phone again seeing a second message from her. Instead of opening it you pull up her contact making a few changes before pressing done. You change your phone background from a photo of her to a default image, sending a stabbing feeling straight through your chest. You then scroll to your texts and swallow as you see her name as it truly is for the first time.

Y/N

8:40 pm: Can you please just say something?

Your heart twists in your chest as you read it, knowing she is hurting just as bad as you are. But again you remind yourself, neither of you would be here if she hadn’t slept with your brother.

You throw your phone to the bed again, leaving her on read as you grab your bowl and empty beer and make your way back to the kitchen to clean up. As you step up to the sink you notice the bowl and food you left for her still untouched and sigh. She hasn’t even left the room…

You place the pasta into the bowl and put it in the fridge, cleaning up the rest and returning to your bedroom. The bed is cold and empty without her, the sheets still faintly smelling of her, and her things scattered around. You would make sure to collect everything tomorrow and put it in the guest room. 

You turned off the light and grabbed your phone, clicking on your thread with her and deciding to send her a reply.

You

9:13pm: There’s leftovers in the fridge.

Y/N

9:14pm: Jake…Please talk to me. 

Y/N

9:15pm: I’m so sorry. 

Y/N

9:15pm: There’s no way you can hate me more than I hate myself right now. 

You

9:16pm: I don’t have anything to say to you, Y/N.

Y/N

9:17pm: Nothing? Just like that? That’s it?

You

9:18pm: That’s it.

—

HER POV

You place your phone on the nightstand by the bed as you swipe away the tears on your cheeks with the sleeve of Jake’s flannel shirt wrapped around you. You swallow back the remainder of the tears, dragging yourself to the kitchen to try to rehydrate. 

As you open the fridge you see the bowl of food graciously placed there for you by the man who should have left you in the hotel room in Vegas and never looked back. That’s what you deserved, and he almost did. That being the last time the two of you spoke.

Pulling the bowl from the microwave you stared at it. You could barely bring yourself to eat it, you were so full of guilt. It was consuming you, mind, body and soul. You made the ultimate mistake. Done something you could never take back. Lost the love of your life and made irreparable damage to your relationship.

After forcing yourself to eat through your tears, you went back into the guest room, burrowing yourself under the sheets and pretending you were anywhere but here. 

—

Your eyes open as you hear the front door shut, turning to look at the clock. 7:47am. What the hell is he doing up so early?

You grab your phone, and flip through your notifications, rolling out of bed and making your way to the bathroom. 

You stare at yourself in the mirror as you brush your teeth, still utterly disgusted with what you’ve done. You probably wouldn’t talk to you either if you were Jake. 

Dragging yourself to the kitchen, you find the coffee pot empty, but Jake’s used mug in the sink. Okay, you deserve that. You start a new pot and while you wait you put away the clean dishes; the remnants of the days before Vegas when the two of you danced in the kitchen to Sam Cooke. You swallow harshly as you close the dishwasher, hearing the coffee pot finish it brew and pouring the hot liquid into his favorite mug.

—

You spent most of the day collecting your things from around the house, gathering them all into the guest room in neat little piles as you tried to fit them into the few boxes you could find around the house. You knew things were beyond repair, and removing yourself from his orbit would be better than waiting for him to ask you to leave. You weren’t sure you would even be able to hear that. 

You did laundry, yours and his, but the hardest and worst thing you did today, came in the form of a tattered old flannel, once loved and cherished. Hugging it to your face one last time, you placed it on the edge of his bed, and returned to your packing. The real indication that things were over.

The sun had set and rain started to patter at the window of the guest room, a soft drizzle with the occasional thunder clap lighting the sky. The room was lit only by the dim yellow light of the lamp, and a candle flickering on the bedside table. Soft music was playing from your phone on the dresser as you folded clothes into cardboard boxes. 

The sound of the front door opening grabbed your attention, and you took a deep breath knowing he was back home. You heard him kick off his shoes by the door and the soft padding of his feet on the hardwood floors. A sound you knew you’d miss, stabbing you straight through the heart.

The door was open and you heard the sound grow closer as he made his way to the kitchen. You kept your head down and focused on your task as he walked past the door. Your eyes filled with tears at just the brief glimpse of him out of the corner of your eye. You shook your head to clear your mind, and stood up from the floor. You walked to the edge of the bed, grabbing an armful of things and returning to your spot on the floor. You heard him walk back down the hallway and into his bedroom, before you heard his footfall once again.

With your back turned to the door, it came as a shock when you heard his voice as he stood in the doorway.

“What are you doing? Are you giving this back?” he asks, voice full of anger as he holds the flannel in his fist.

You took a deep breath as you turned to look at him, leaning against the doorway, his hair still wet from the rain as he twisted the fabric between his fingers, “It’s not mine anymore. It belongs to you…” you pause, “I think I have all of my things together. I won’t be much longer, I’m almost done.” you answer defeatedly.

“And you’re gonna go where…” he said, condescendingly as he furrowed his brow.

You hadn’t exactly thought about it. Maybe you’d call a friend. Get a hotel for a few days until tour started. Tour. Are you even still employed? 

“I don’t know. I’ll figure something out, I guess.” you answer, blinking back tears.

It’s quiet for a minute between the two of you, the tension so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife. He lets out a long exhale through his nose and takes a pull from the beer in his hand, as he stares at the rain streaks on the window, “Don’t… worry about it right now. Just deal with it when we get back from tour. We’ve got too much shit going on to try and worry about this too.” 

What?

Your eyes flick to his, meeting them for just a second. In that second you're sure you saw a flash of the same pain you’d been feeling at the thought of moving out. 

“It’s no big deal Jake. I know you don’t want me here. It’s not your problem to deal with, it’s mine.” you say. 

He sucks his bottom lip into his mouth stifling back what you knew he really wanted to say. He pursed his lips together and looked over at you again, “Deal with it after, Y/N.” 

Heat rises to your face as he looks at you and you keep your gaze trained on him as he turns to step out of the doorway. 

“I’m leaving in the morning. Make sure you lock up the house well when you leave for tour. Set the alarm, all that.” He says standing in the doorway. 

You want to ask him where he’s going. You want to know why and with who, but he doesn’t owe you that anymore. You’re lucky he even told you in the first place. This was how it was going to be now and you had no choice but to accept it. 

“You won’t be back? Be-Before tour starts?” You ask, the words spilling from your mouth as soon as you realized what he was saying. 

“No.” He says finally, stepping away with the shirt in hand. 

—

It’d been three days since Jake walked out the front door, two suitcases in hand and a backpack filled to the brim on his back. He’d loaded up his car the night before, carefully piling the guitar cases into the backseat and stuffing his other bags around them. You hadn’t spoken the night before he left, only stood in the doorway of the house, silently making your presence known in case he would need a hand. 

“Can I help you carry anything?” you’d asked as he brushed past you on the porch, the chill in the air shooting straight through your thin shirt. 

“No, thanks.” was all you received. “I’ll get the rest in the morning.” Flat. Blank. And quiet.

He hadn’t noticed, or at least he hadn’t said anything, but you’d spent the past couple of days doing his laundry for him while he’d be gone. Just like normal, you took specific care to separate his whites from his darks, and only dried the certain things he liked dried. The rest you hung lovingly on the laundry room hooks, letting the vent air dry them naturally. A task you once thought was just part of daily life, something so menial and mindless, now felt like a shot through the heart. Your one last way of taking care of him, one last good deed that you knew meant absolutely nothing to him now.

You breathed in the smell of his shirt, worn-in and soft, a few holes forming along the collar. It still smelled just like him, just like his favorite cologne, just like his natural scent. You committed it to memory, stashing it away forever, not knowing when you’d ever be met with it again. 

Three days you’d been alone, the sounds of the house settling, like explosions. It was quiet and rainy and you were missing the sweet familiar comfort of his bed. You suddenly found yourself wrapped in your favorite sheets and covered with the warmth of the duvet cover that smelled just like him. You’d tried to distract yourself by starting a new show, but when the TV powered on and showed the screen still paused right in the middle of a documentary he was watching, you felt a sick feeling you’d never felt before. It was like he was gone forever, his life still happening around him in his absence. So you watched the rest of it, and cried. And cried. 

None of it helped, the distractions were only a diversion from the real world, the thoughts of Jake coming back like a flood to your mind every few minutes. The guilt. The memory of the stairwell. The look on his face when he found out. You had made yourself utterly ill. 

On day four, you drug yourself out of bed, forcing yourself to shower after days of simply being too down to even move from the bed. After giving yourself the care you so needed, you stepped from the shower on auto-pilot, drying your hair and dressing yourself for another day of nothing.

For the first time in days, your phone buzzed on the sink. You glanced quickly, shocked to see that it even still had any battery charge.

Josh.

Josh:

10:37am: Hey there, care to chat a little bit later today about some details for tour? I know it's late in the game, but you don’t need much coaching.

The smallest smile reached across your face, simply from having contact from someone. He must not know. Has he even talked to Jake? Does he know where he is?

You

10:39am: Absolutely. Just tell me when!

Josh:

10:41am: I’ll call you in an hour. 

Confusion filled your body at the thought of Josh maybe not knowing what had happened. You knew that if he did, his words probably wouldn’t be as friendly as they were right now. You decided to play dumb for the time being. 

After a slightly awkward and mainly professional phone conversation with Josh about your new duties, you decided that maybe this tour wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe you could do this. Keep it professional. Drown yourself in your work, find things to completely submerge your attention in. But then you laughed to yourself. Easier said than done.

The afternoon was spent cleaning out the refrigerator of perishable items, and doing last minute things to lock up the house for the remainder of the winter months. You cleaned, you mopped, you dusted…every single inch of the house was spotless. You scrubbed the bathrooms down, washed all of the bedsheets and blankets, and took your time in shining the hard wood floors. 

You let your legs carry you up the creaky stairs, broom and cleaning products in hand. You rounded the corner to the loft, the soft evening light just barely peeking through the window above the desk, illuminating the makeshift art studio you’d created for him months ago. He’d been here, he’d used it. At some point recently, he’d broken in the pencils, sharpened them by hand with a blade, and had begun to fill the pages of the leather bound sketch book you’d gotten him. You felt like you were intruding on his personal space, and lurking in a place that wasn’t meant for your eyes, but you proceeded anyway, something urging you to flip through the already wrinkled pages. 

Doodles and words filled the thick paper, tiny sentences that didn’t make much sense yet…drawings of trees and scenes, little faceless people standing in lines holding guitars and instruments…unfinished poems that didn’t rhyme… all of it was dripping off the sides of the pages, pens scattered about the desk, the space already heavy with the essence of him and his brilliant mind. 

You felt a heavy pang in your chest as you continued flipping through, letting yourself have one last time to feel him when he wasn’t there. Finally, you got to a page you weren’t expecting. You turned the book sideways, taking in the image that at first, seemed like just a mess of lines and curves. 

It was you, your unclothed body posed on his vintage couch that sat across the room, sketched nearly perfectly from memory, with charcoal. All those nights ago, back when things were good, you were happy and so in love you couldn’t stand it, you’d walked him up the stairs covering his eyes, ready to surprise him with his gift. 

“Draw me like one of your French girls…”

“I can try, but I’ve never been good at charcoal…”

“Well, practice makes perfect, right?”

You glanced around the table again, noticing the tiny black pieces of chalk-like material dusted all over the desk. Your fingers lightly traced over the messy drawing, the details ratted, but there. A tiny dark line signifying your daisy necklace that he’d gotten you for your birthday, the length of your hair perfect for that point in time. Your hand draped perfectly over the back of your leg, and the features of your face drawn lightly and with near perfection. 

He’d drawn you from memory. The edges of the paper were stained with his fingerprints where he had lightly placed his nondominant hand in the charcoal dust while he concentrated. The swipes of his fingers in the leftover dust leaving behind a trail of light gray smudge. There was an open window in the drawing behind you, and he’d drawn a perfect rendition of the Little Dipper in the night sky, surrounded by hundreds of tiny dots representing stars. And there, perfectly in the corner, the date, and his signature. 

The tears came uncontrollably, falling from your face as your hand slowly found your mouth to muffle the sobs. What had you done? What had you thrown away? And for what? You couldn’t even bring yourself to think about Sam, or Elle, for that matter. You’d gotten yourself into a terrible disaster, and you had no clue how to even begin to fix it. 

You dried up the tears that were falling from your eyes, trying to collect yourself for the umpteenth time this week. You begrudgingly grabbed the broom and mop, ready to drown yourself in cleaning again, as you noticed the door to the old storage closet was left cracked open. Might as well clean in there too. You pulled the squeaky old door open, tossing your hand around to catch the chain to turn the old overhead light bulb on. 

Met with tons of stacked boxes and totes, clothes and blankets and odds and ends strewn about, your first reaction was to clean it all and straighten the mess. But as you began to sort through it all, you accidentally knocked a small box from the top of a pile, and the sound it made when it hit almost made you jump out of your skin. Guitar strum. You bent down to pick up the box, and apparently the old guitar he had, for some reason, stashed up here. What you found wasn’t at all what you expected. His acoustic, his first guitar, his most prized possession covered in tiny carvings of your memory, thrown into the old storage closet to collect dust. 

And you thought finding the drawing was bad…

The sobs that came again were the kind that ripped your chest in two, the kind that made you feel like a shell of a person…you fell to your knees and then to a seated position, holding your head in your hands as you let the pain rip through you in giant currents. Was this how he felt when you left him?

You sat there for an unknown amount of time, going through the motions of collecting yourself, once again. Your subconscious went into high gear, your brain telling you to protect yourself, that everything was going to be okay. But you knew it wasn’t. 

After cleaning as much as you could, you decided that it was time to feed yourself and settle in for the night. You decided to do one thing, though, before you shut the loft door behind you for good. You sat at his studio desk, and found the page with your drawing. You flipped it to the other side, and began writing Jake a note on the back. You poured your heart into it, everything you ever wanted to say to him, everything you already had said, and everything you could never bring yourself to admit. You laid it all out…your hopes and dreams with him, everything that you loved about him, and how totally and entirely sorry you were. The words would mean nothing, but at least he would have them.

You ran downstairs and found the red notebook that he’d given you for Christmas, full of his writings and notes and lyrics for you, and placed it gently on the small table in his study. You ran back into the kitchen, and plucked a single daisy flower from a bouquet he’d recently gotten you, already turning brown and drying out from lack of water. You peeled off every single petal except one, and you laid it right on top of the notebook. One last goodbye. One last ‘she loves you’. 

The house was clean now, every inch and nook and cranny was free of any dirt, and any memory of you. You owed him that much, at least, leaving him the clean slate you knew he’d want to return back home to.

Fuck. 

The home he loved. The home he had made his, the one he filled with everything that was him, leaving plenty of extra space for everything that was you, now nothing but empty shelves and blank spaces. He’d chosen this house with you in mind, thinking and praying that one day you’d be the one permanently there to help him fill it with love. Be the one he came home to every day, sharing the duties of taking care of a home together. And you were, until you threw it all in the trash. 

Your mind was going insane with horrendous thoughts and crippling guilt still; you wandered around the house until it began to get dark outside, trying to listen to music and think other thoughts, when all every song did was remind you of him. You cranked the surround speaker to its loudest volume, and filled the house with his favorite songs. It only felt right. 

After feeding yourself nothing but enough to survive, and finishing off the bottle of wine you’d opened a few nights ago, you curled up in bed, ready for the wine buzz to take you away. 

You didn’t know how long you’d been asleep when you woke up to the sound of your phone buzzing on the nightstand. Your eyes popped open to find the lights still on and the TV picture still rolling. You shook away the sleep, looking over to your phone as it gently scooted across the table as it vibrated. 

Shit. It’s Jake. Your heart fell and shattered, a million thoughts racing through your mind in the span of three seconds. 

You grabbed the phone, sliding his contact and bringing it to your ear. 

“Hello?” You shook out. 

“Hey, were you asleep?” He said quickly. 

“Uh, yeah…but not for long. What’s up?” You asked, noticing a slight sound of panic in his voice. 

“Um. I’ve got some…bad news…I guess. I talked to Jocelyn from the office earlier. It looks like Andy was released from jail yesterday.” He went on, trying to stay strong in his words. 

“What the fuck?” You breathed out, suddenly feeling fear now, instead of anxiousness from talking to Jake finally. “How…? How did he?”

“I’m not sure, I didn’t get many details, but it looks like his charges didn’t stick? Somehow, I have no idea how they didn’t…” he went on as your head began to spin into oblivion. 

“His family. They’re beyond rich, Jake. Well known. He has uncles and cousins that work from here to Washington…tons of lawyers in the family…and they are filthy. Rich. It has to be…there’s no way…they had to have known the judge, or…something…” you blabbed, your mouth speaking before your mind could process. “Fuck.”

“Must have been. Anyway, listen, just make sure you lock everything up really well tonight, ok? Windows and all…and I talked to Josh. He’s gonna come and get you tonight, to stay at his house.” Jake said, sounding as though his words were reluctantly coming from his mouth. 

“There should be a plane ticket in your email to come to Michigan. Leaves tomorrow morning.” He went on. 

You were surprised. “Michigan? You’re home?”

“Yeah. Wanted to come see Mom and Dad before we leave. Needed to just. Leave. Anyway. Josh will be there soon.”

You took a quick deep breath. “You didn’t have to do that Jake. I’ll be fine here, you don’t need to worry abou-“

“It’s already done. He should be on the way now.” He huffed. 

“Okay, thank you Jake, really. For doing this…I really appreciate it.” You swallowed. “I hope we can…talk soon…”

“Bye, Y/N.” He interrupted, and the line was dead before you could even finish your thought. You let the phone fall from your ear as a million emotions flooded your mind. He wanted you safe. 

Clicking the little white icon to open your email, you were met with an airline ticket forwarded straight from Jake. You opened it, reading over all the information. The message at the top of the email, though, struck you straight through your heart, sending you into a puddled mess of emotions. 

‘I’ll be there when you land…’

Your heart flipped over in your chest. What did it mean? Was he being..sweet? Cordial? Civil… the thought of him picking you up at the airport tomorrow made your palms sweaty. 

You jumped from the bed, running to collect everything last minute before Josh arrived. As you packed, you thought about Andy, and how the hell he was able to get out of this one. You’d do research. But not now. 

The nerves began to creep up as you finished speed-packing…could Andy be lurking around the corner? Outside? Would he find Josh as he was coming in the door? So many thoughts running through your head at once…

—

The knock on the door startles you in your already jumpy state, but as you look through the glass you see Josh, standing on the porch with his hands in his pockets. You rush over to the door, unlocking it and letting him inside. 

He is smiling but there is a touch of something else beneath the smile. Worry maybe?

“Hi Josh, come in!” you say, swinging the door open. 

“Hey Y/N… wow, I don’t think I have ever seen this place this clean.” He says, looking around.

“Yeah, I’ve been a little busy?” you laugh.

“It shows! I’ve gotta say I was a little shocked when Jake asked me to come pick you up tonight.” he says, shutting the door behind him.

“Oh…” you say looking to the ground. “...I’m guessing he told you why…”

“Yeah, asked me to come straight here and pick you up. Cashed in a twin token.” he chuckles.

“A what?” you ask.

“A twin token. It’s a long drawn out story, which typically I love, but I’m not going to lie, I was about to go to bed, and now I just simply do not feel like explaining our 9 year old minds at 11:00pm.” he smiles.

“Another time?” you smile, probably the first smile you’ve smiled in a week.

“I promise. I guess I’m just confused on why you aren’t in Michigan with him?” he asks, nervously.

You had to think quickly as you formulated some type of believable answer, “Oh, um, I had a few things I needed to do to get ready for tour, and he wanted to go visit your parents and have some one-on-one time with them. Decided I would go up when I had everything squared away here.” you lied.

His brow furrowed, as he studied you, and then relaxed, “Oh, okay. Well, are you… ready to go?” he asks.

“Yes, I just need to take these suitcases out, and lock up the place.” you answer. 

“I’ll take those, you lock up.” he says, grabbing your bags. “Oh! Hey, Jake asked me to grab his readers and send them with you. Do you know where they are?” he asks.

You swallow harshly, blinking back your emotion. He clearly has no idea what has happened. “Yes! I will grab them and meet you out there.” you say, making your way towards the bedroom.

As you open the door, you’re instantly assaulted by the smell of him woven into every fiber in the room. The bed, perfectly made, beckons to you as you remember countless nights wrapped in each other.

You pull out the drawer of his nightstand, spotting his black readers right where you thought they would be. You pick them up and put them into the case, but just as you go to shut the drawer, you also see something else that stops you dead in your tracks. Your breath catches in your throat as you spot the tiny green guitar pick sitting on top of a tattered photo of the two of you that used to live in his wallet. 

It crippled you to imagine him cleaning out his wallet and deciding that things that were once important enough to be carried with him everyday were now just clutter in a drawer of junk. A sob left your chest as you realized then, that he must have found the guitar pick in your things and decided to carry it with him again. He never mentioned it, just took it and placed it back where he knew it was safe and loved. But now was reduced to nothing as it sat in a drawer to be forgotten about.

You swallowed back your tears and shut the drawer, taking one final look around the room as you turned off the light and shut the door.

Walking around the house you double checked all the doors and turned off all the lights, closing up the home for the next few weeks. With a final scan of the room, you turned off the hallway light and set the security system, locking the front door behind you. 

You slid into the passenger seat of Josh’s Jeep and he twisted the key in the ignition, letting the car roar to life. The car smelled so different than Jakes, like new leather and clean laundry. You were sort of glad for that though, being trapped in the scent of him might send you spiraling again. 

Josh pulled out into traffic, heading towards his house, and as you looked down at your phone, reading his email for the twentieth time, you felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe he missed you as much as you missed him. 

—

JAKE POV

As the line went dead you laid your phone down on your chest, staring up at the ceiling of your childhood bedroom. Fuck. You paused for a moment, trying to collect your thoughts before picking up the phone and forwarding her the new flight information and ticket. 

Nine hours. It took nine hours for you to tell her after you found out. Eight and a half to tell Josh. But what took the least amount of time, but the most amount of willpower, was begging him to go pick her up from the house. Cashing in a chip you have held for so long. He didn’t even know that you were in Michigan. Asking you ‘why you were there’ and ‘why you didn’t tell him’. How do you tell someone that the same girl broke your heart for the thousandth time? That you couldn’t stand to look at her because everytime you did, it broke your heart all over again?

You needed to get out of there, clear your head. Be away from her and her pull. But even from here you could feel it. Typing a quick message into the top of the email, you hit send and watched it disappear. 

When you got the call this morning, your first thought was how it was even possible he could have been released from jail. But that thought was quickly replaced with, what could happen now that he was free. The worst part was that you weren’t even there if something did happen. You tried to push the thoughts from your mind, busying yourself with other things and hanging out with your parents. But all you could think about was him finding her, and hurting her or worse. 

As you slid into bed you found the intrusive thoughts starting to grow more intense, and finally you snapped. You called Josh, and had no choice but to agree to your begging. Tour started in a week, and you knew Josh would already be questioning why she wasn’t here to begin with. So you did the only logical thing you could think of and booked her a ticket for the first flight out. You just knew you couldn’t live with yourself if Andy got to her, no matter how mad you were.

Part of you expected her not to answer as the call rang out, but as her sleepy voice came through the line, you felt a sense of relief wash over you that she had been, in fact, sleeping soundly the whole time.

The second you hung up you missed her. Missed her tired voice and the way you knew she probably looked right now, with sleepy eyes and bedhead. Missed the way she would curl into your side while she slept, and the way she would subconsciously reach for you in her sleep. But it was gone. She ruined that, and now you had to find a way to live with it. 

It was a surprise to your parents when you arrived at their door. Of course they were more than thrilled to see you, but when you showed up alone, you were met with questions. You hated lying to them, but you knew that with everything going on, now was not the right time to stir up issues. So you told them she was busy with work, and trying to get things ready for tour. Told them she would try to come up if she got everything done, but made no promises and left it at that. 

Now, as you lay here you realize your fatal mistake. You were so worried about getting her out of Nashville you hadn’t considered what that meant. She would have to stay here, with you. Sleep in this bed, with you. Spend the next four days, day and night, with you. You would both have to pretend that nothing was wrong and be just as loving and affectionate as the last time your parents saw you together. That or tell the truth. Something neither of you were prepared to do just yet. 

So you would. You would keep up the illusion that things were okay. That you still loved her. That you were in love with her. Like it was never a thought in the world that she would fuck your brother. It was all you could do. 

Y/N

11:57pm: Made it to Josh’s, thank you for sending him.

A sigh of relief left your chest knowing she was safe with Josh. It was killing you to pretend you didn’t care. You did, and you always would, despite loving her or hating her. 

You

12:00am: Text me when your plane is boarding.

Y/N

12:01am: Okay. Goodnight.

You swallowed harshly as you locked your phone and slid it onto the nightstand before rolling over in the bed. You closed your eyes and sighed, knowing that tomorrow you would see her and talk to her face to face for the first time in days, but even worse, that you would have put on the facade that she didn’t rip your heart out of your chest just a few short days ago.

—

Your fingers tap nervously on the center console of your car, watching the people begin to file out of the arrival doors. Your parents were excited when you told them where you were off to this morning, but you didn’t share the same feelings. You were nervous. Anxious. You’d gone over what you were going to say to her nearly a hundred times. You were ready.

Your knee bounced as you waited to catch a glimpse of her, as she walked out the door to find you. It’s just Y/N. You’ve seen her a thousand times. You don’t even want to see her, remember?

Just then, you caught sight of her. Her hair blowing in the wind across her face. Looking left and right for any sight of your car. You blew out a deep breath and stepped out of the car, walking around to lean on the front. She looked at you, nearly stopping in her tracks, before collecting herself and making her way to you. 

Her eyes met yours as she came closer, quickly looking away as she finally stepped up to you. 

“Hey.” she says, nervously.

“Hi, how was your flight?” you ask, out of courtesy.

She swallows, before looking at you again, “It was okay, a little bit of turbulence…” 

You nod and grab her suitcases, tossing them into the trunk. “You ready?” you ask.

She nods her head and opens the passenger door, stepping into the car. 

As you pulled out into traffic you let out a sigh, shaking your head. You could have never imagined you’d find yourself in this position. Now you had to lie to your parents. To your brothers. To everyone. Or did you? Should you just tell them? Show them who Y/N really was?

The drive was spent in silence, neither of you wanting to make the first move to talk. You knew you had to tell her. As the minutes until arrival grew smaller, you gathered up the courage and took a breath. 

“They don’t know. I haven’t said anything. They think I’m just here visiting for fun before tour.” you say.

“Oh.” she says, clearly surprised. 

“I’m not going to tell them. Not now at least.” you admit. 

“What do you–” 

“We’re going to act normal. At least until we leave for tour. I don’t want to stir up a bunch of shit with my family before we leave.” you say.

“So…” she pauses, “Why did you want me to come here? I could have just stayed with Josh?” she says.

“Because, like I said, no one knows anything. You not being here already raised questions. Josh asked too. It’s just easier to have you here, even if I don’t actually want to be around you.” you say, realizing your delivery was fairly harsh.

You see her swallow back the lump in her throat, and her fingers twist together.

“So here’s what needs to happen…” you pause, “...When we get inside, none of this…” you say, pointing between the two of you, “...ever happened.”

She crinkles her brows as she looks at you. “Okay, so… you’re saying you want me to just… act normal…” she questions.

“Pretty much. I’m going to talk to you, touch you, be around you just like usual. But here’s the thing…” you pause. “It means nothing. Because it did happen. This is to… keep up appearances so to speak. For my convenience and yours. The second that bedroom door shuts each night, the performance is over. You go back to nothing.”

You see her nod her head, a solemn look on her face. Her eyes blink rapidly to fight off the tears threatening to spill out as you pull into your parents driveway. You put the car in park and turn it off, turning to look at her. 

“Got it?” you ask.

She looks at you, face riddled with sadness as her voice sounds so small, “Yeah.”

“It’s either this, or you can tell them what happened. Your choice. But we both know you aren’t too inclined to tell the truth, are you Y/N…” you say, settling back into the seat. 

“No. It’s fine, I can do it.” she says, shaking her head.

“Yeah, I figured you’d say that.” you scoff throwing the car door open. You make your way to the trunk, grabbing her suitcases and walking around to the front of the car to meet her.

“Alright, you ready, baby?” you ask, knowing full well that these next few days were going to hurt her more than she could even anticipate. You’d make sure of it.

—

After sweet but fake ‘hellos’  with your parents, lots of hugs and catching up, the afternoon turned into dinner plans and more visiting, leaving little to no room by yourself. You’d pulled out all the shots, trying to be as affectionate as you could with Y/N, even going as far as to kiss her on the cheek. Everything felt so strange and foreign, forcing yourself to put on your best happy face when all you wanted to do was lay everything out on the line. Expose all the secrets. But you couldn’t. Not yet. 

The plan was for you to cook with your dad, a fun old tradition that you actually hadn’t done in quite some time, and you were actually very excited about it. One of your grandma’s old recipes for Polska Kielbasa and cabbage with all of the appropriate sides. Your mom had asked Y/N to run to the store with her to pick up supplies. You’d let her deal with that one on her own. 

After they left, you and your dad spent some time rummaging through an old closet that they were in the middle of cleaning out when you showed up. They were pulling out everything from old boxes of baby clothes, home videos, photo albums, and books. You’d spent the majority of your time here already reminiscing on childhood memories while your dad scoured his old high school yearbooks. 

The closet was long and narrow, shelves lining both walls and both were stuffed full. It was like a treasure trove. You’d even managed to find your first old plastic guitar and karaoke set, a toy you and Josh never even knew would set you up for a journey you never thought you’d find yourselves on. 

The distraction was welcome, burying yourself in memories, happy memories, that you knew would never break your heart. These were solid ones. After almost an hour of sitting on the floor with one of your old guitar tab books from middle school, you heard the front door swing open and your mom’s voice echo through the house. 

“Hellooo, we’re back! Time to get cooking!” She sang as you heard grocery bags hitting the countertop. Dread again. You drug yourself up from your seat, stretching your legs as you stood. 

“Let’s go, Pops. Time to fry.” You said as you placed your hand on his shoulder and ducked out of the low ceilinged room. 

You walked into the kitchen and began pulling everything from the bags and opening the contents. You almost forgot that Y/N was even in the room for a second, your brain working overtime in trying to forget about her. 

“How was the closet?” She asked quietly. 

“What?” You responded, the sound of her voice sending a shock to your system. 

“The closet, did you find anything cool?” She asked again. 

“Oh yeah, found some old guitar stuff from middle school, some books and stuff. Old baby toys…” you drifted off as you washed your hands, noticing how quiet the room had become. Shit, appearances. 

“And how was the store, love? Did mom talk you into getting the good wine?” You asked, smiling through your words as you walked toward her, putting your wet hands all over her face. 

She laughed instinctively, pushing you away in a fit of giggles as you covered her face with your soaked hands. You grabbed around her, pinning her arms down while you patted the water onto her cheeks.

“Jake, quit! Come on!” She yelled as you chased her back, flicking the water onto her again. Her laugh…like music to your ears. And her smile, playful and hopeful and bright…all to come to a screeching stop as you both remembered that it wasn’t real. You backed away, disconnecting yourself from her and drying your hands as your headspace went from happy to devastated. 

“Yes Jacob, we got the good wine. We’re celebrating!” Your mom answered, popping the cork off. “Would everyone like a glass? Maybe we should have gotten three bottles…” 

As the night went on, the tension fell away and built itself up again more times than you could count. Everytime your eyes met, the look on her face was pure adoration, longing for you to hold her again, pull her back into you, and love her like she knew you did. But that was the thing. Did was the key word. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t love her anymore, but you hadn’t had time to process your feelings yet. And you knew that was okay. You were valid in thinking that you needed time. She’d committed the utmost offense, and whether or not you decided to forgive her was going to be on your own accord. And for right now, the way you felt, it didn’t look too promising. Time. Process. And you owed yourself that much, at least. 

After dinner, your mom retreated back into the closet, pulling Y/N in with her. 

“Come here, I have something to show you kids.” She muttered. You took a seat on the couch, knowing that adding another person into the closet would be too crowded. You sipped your wine as you watched them rummage. The two most important female figures in your life, standing and laughing together as they looked through your family mementos. Well, once most important. It almost felt wrong now, letting Y/N pilfer through these personal items that meant so much to your family, when obviously she didn’t care about meaningful things at all. 

“Here it is!” You mom yelped. “I knew I had stashed it away. Come here honey, come sit.” Your mom came and planted herself directly beside you on the couch, turning on the overhead light and patting the seat beside her for Y/N. 

“Look at this.” She said, placing a thick green photo album on her lap. “Summer 1993-1997. This is right when we started running around with your parents a bit more, Y/N.” 

She opened the book to show the pages of clear plastic covering old Polaroids and film photos, some ratted and torn and written on. 

“Look, this is when we all used to go to the lake. You know we started the 4th of July tradition you kids still do now?” She peeled back the plastic covering and removed the photo, flipping it over to read the back. She handed it to Y/N. “That’s me and your mom and Lori…Lord, look at us! All tan and cute. 1994. Kelly, wasn’t that the year that Dan bought that boat?” 

“Yeah, I think it was! That old piece of shit, we patched it more than we took it on the water. Almost sank on us a few times…” your dad laughed. 

You watched as Y/N’s eyes lit up, seeing old photos that she’d never seen before, her parents and yours at almost your age now, having fun and living their lives together. Just like you were. Just like you did. 

“Not a care in the world, huh Kelly?” She continued flipping through. “Oh, this! This was the day I told your mom I was pregnant with twins!” She leaned her shoulder into you, pushing you into the arm of the couch. You smiled hard, you weren’t sure you’d ever seen that picture. 

“And how did that go over, Mom?” You laughed. She handed you the photo, showing her and Y/N’s mom’s cheeks pressed together, smiles plastered across their faces, Y/N’s mom’s hand resting gently on your mom’s belly. You felt your heart sink, two young best friends not having a clue their kids would grow up and find themselves where you sat right now. 

“Went good. They were so happy for us…She threw me the most perfect baby shower six months later.” Your mom chased away a little tear that had formed, then placed her hands on both your and Y/N’s knees, patting them harshly.

“Then a few years later pretty little Y/N came along. Now look at you two. So happy together, we never would have even thought…anyways. We’re just so happy you two found each other again. You guys are really made of the good stuff.” 

Hah, if you only knew, Ma. 

She sighed again, as you made quick eye contact with Y/N, her eyes welling up as she clenched her jaw. You bit your lip back, feeling, for some reason, crushing guilt yourself. You couldn’t pinpoint why, but it hurt. 

“Then Daniel then Sam…ugh you kids. We love ya.” She patted your knees again and used them for leverage as she stood from the couch. “I’m going to refill my glass, you kids keep looking.” She tossed the album back onto your lap, as you and Y/N moved toward each other just a touch on the couch. 

You could feel her body tense as she carefully articulated her movements, leaning in toward you, but not too much. You flipped through the pages, trying to make small and basic conversation as you found pictures all the way up to the summer you and Josh were babies. You felt her sigh deeply, obviously feeling the same crushing sadness you felt. Hers was probably much, much worse though. 

The evening was drawing into night, and you began to feel an anxious feeling in your stomach at the thought of sharing your tiny full-size bed with Y/N. Your mom had already retreated to bed for the night, and the remaining three of you had joined in the living room to watch a movie. Reluctantly, you’d motioned to Y/N to cuddle into your side as you reclined, leaving your arms behind your head so you didn’t have to touch her. Still yet, the feeling of half her body laid back on yours felt so…strange. It was almost foreign but also the most comfortable you’d been in days. Why? Why did this have to be happening? 

Halfway through the movie, you felt Y/N’s breathing steady out, her chest rising and falling as she fell asleep. This is probably the best she’s felt in days, too. Fuck. You let her fall into a deeper sleep before you pulled her off of you a bit and resituated yourself on the seat. 

When the movie was over, your dad stood and stretched. “Jacob, come with me for a second.” He whispered. You stood, puzzled, and followed him into the dining room. In the dim light of the room, you watched as he opened a drawer in the old China cabinet, carefully opening it and removing something small. He walked back to you, lowering his glasses as he spoke quietly.  

“The past couple of days have been very sentimental for your mom and I…seeing all this old stuff we haven’t seen in years. Figuring out what we want to keep and what we consider junk. It’s been…a lot of fun. So it kind of got me thinking…” 

He handed you a tiny white cotton drawstring bag, embroidered with the initials AJK in tiny blue lettering on the front. 

“I want you to have this.” He said. “Go ahead and look inside.”

You pulled the drawstrings apart carefully, and gently poured the contents into your hand. 

“This was my grandmother’s engagement ring, your great grandmother’s. I don’t know how I ended up with it, but. It landed in my lap, and I gave my mother’s to your mom, so.” He went on, his voice low and genuine. 

You felt your entire soul shatter into a million pieces as the delicate gold band with one tiny diamond tumbled into your hand. 

“Dad…I…” 

“I know, it’s not much, but. It’s an heirloom. I don’t know much about what your plans are, son, but. I felt inclined to give this to you. I think it belongs with you. Just, keep it, for a while. You know. Or, keep it here, if you’d rather. Until you want it back, it will be safe in this drawer. But it’s yours. And I’m not taking it back.” He smiled his giant cheeky grin as he placed a hand on your shoulder. 

What do you do now?

You bit your lips together, and bravely brought your eyes to his. You nodded slowly. “Thanks, dad. It’s…it’s perfect. Thank you.” You managed to choke out. He patted your shoulder one last time before he walked off toward his room. 

“Goodnight, Jake.” 

“Night dad.” You stood still in the barely-lit room, too stunned to move and too unsure to think. You slid the ring carefully back into the bag, and pulled the drawstrings closed. You gently tucked it back into the drawer, closing it back quietly. 

Maybe he should have given that ring to Sam. 

—

You padded back into the living room, and grabbed the remote to turn the TV off. You looked to Y/N, still sleeping soundly cuddled up on the couch. For a split second you let yourself look at her, her face relaxed and hair a mess, hands tucked under her face as a pillow. You debated on waking her up at all, but you knew your parents would ask questions if they woke up and she was stuck on the couch. You gently shook her shoulder, speaking quietly so as not to wake her too suddenly. 

“Hey, hey Y/N wake up.” The word ‘babe’ almost slipped from your lips. You shook her a little rougher, jostling her awake. Her eyes opened slowly and she smiled the tiniest smile at seeing your face. “Do you want to go sleep upstairs or stay here?”

“Um, should we…for the sake of your parents…?” she asked, sitting up. 

“Yeah, I guess so. Let’s go.” You turned and started up the steps, not waiting for her to follow.

Entering your bedroom felt strange, especially knowing that the bed you’d made yourself comfortable in the past few days was now going to be half-taken up by her. She slipped in the door behind you a few seconds later, rummaging through her small suitcase that she’d packed with just enough until you got to the hotel. 

“I’m gonna go take a quick shower, if that’s okay.” She said, standing with some clean clothes clutched to her chest. 

“Yeah, that’s fine. Should be clean towels in there.” you responded, sitting on the edge of your bed. You were thankful she had decided to give you some privacy to change, and you thought about not even taking your shirt off. This was so fucking strange. Just not too long ago, you never would have guessed you’d be having these thoughts, having to think these things being in her presence. Your girl, your world…now you were nervous to even sleep beside her. 

Then again, this was your bed, your room, your house. She was the guest. You changed into a pair of shorts, and slipped under the covers, leaving plenty of space beside you for her. You took a quick deep breath to ground you for the awkward night ahead. 

You scrolled on your phone for a little while while she showered, checking your emails reluctantly for anything from Richard. You’d all but forgotten that was now your main means of communication with him. When you found nothing but some run-of-the-mill updates and schedules, you plugged your phone into the charger and laid it on the nightstand. 

A few minutes later, she quietly pushed the door open, and came back into the room. Her hair was still damp and wavy, and her long t-shirt hung down to her knees over her oversized sweatpants. Always your favorite way to see her. You forced yourself to pull your eyes away while she kneeled and repacked her bag a bit, pulling it over closer to yours so she could close the door all the way. 

“Hey, do you happen to have any toothpaste I could use?” she asked. “I’m sorry…”

“Uh yeah, it’s in my little clear bag over there. Did you not bring any?” you replied.

“Well I’d been using this travel size one but it ran out, and you kind of, took ours, so.” she said, not turning around.

Fuck. ‘Ours’.

You cleared your throat. “You can use that one.”

“Thanks.” she said blankly as she reached into your suitcase to grab your toiletry bag. When she did, her motions stopped altogether. You followed her line of vision to the pile of clothes strewn throughout the bag. The flannel. Fuck. You watched as her eyes locked on it.

“I brought it on accident. I meant to donate it before I left.” you said running your tongue over your lips. 

“Donate it? But it's your favorite fl-” 

“It was your favorite flannel, Y/N. I only kept it because you loved it. So now I’ll donate it.” you said sharply, the words hurting coming from your mouth. 

She stared at it for a few more seconds, running her fingers over the collar before going back to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she returned, she flipped the light off and got into bed quickly, wasting no time in crawling under the thick sheets. There was a brief awkward moment where the only light in the room was coming from your old nightlight, lighting the room up just enough that you could barely see the features on her face. 

The smell of her body wash suddenly filled your senses, a scent you hadn’t experienced in years. You were overwhelmed with memories of years past, overtaken with the full essence of her. You were so used to her smelling like you, that you’d forgotten all about it. Floral, sweet, and earthy. It made your head spin. 

She had laid down on her back, and turned her head slightly to meet your eyes. This was normally the time when you kissed her goodnight, reminded her how much you loved her, told her to sleep well and have the sweetest of dreams. But instead, you held each other’s gazes, eyes searching one another’s for answers to stop the pain you both were in. 

The eye contact was intense. This was the first you’d truly looked at her in days. You watched as her stare drove deeply into yours, her lip quivering ever so slightly as she fought back the same tears you were about to let flow yourself. But you caught them. Swallowed them down and broke your look away. You flipped on your side with your back to her, stuffing your old pillow under your head. 

“Goodnight, Y/N.” you said. 

You felt her stir on the other side of the bed. “Goodnight, Jake.”

—

You were dreaming of being on stage again, the crowd a mass ocean of swaying hands and screams…everyone was happy and smiling, excited to be there in the space with you again. You were playing your guitar, but it felt odd in your hands. It was growing from five times its size, then shrinking back down to so small, you could hardly hold it. You couldn’t get a hold of it, and even stranger, it wasn’t making any sound. You felt the strings on your fingers, felt the vibration, but heard nothing. Just silence. You fought like hell to watch it, squeeze it and hold it at its normal size, but all it did was grow and shrink. You were growing more aggravated, the crowd still going wild and screaming while you struggled…

…Screaming…quietly, but loud enough that it woke you…the bed was moving and bouncing, and you felt an arm come across your torso, landing on you hard. Another loud yell filled your ears as you came all the way to, your eyes finally popping open as you woke up. What the hell? You looked over to Y/N as she kicked the bed covers off, twisting and turning in the bed, rolling her body from side to side and into you as she fought. Fuck, she’s having a nightmare. 

You sat up in the bed, trying to figure out how to go about this one. You hadn’t seen her this bad yet. 

“Get the fuck off of him! Andy, fuck you! Stop! He’s gonna fucking die! He can’t breathe…!”

You listened to her try to form coherent sentences in her dreamstate, slurring her words as she let them haphazardly fall from her lips. She was grinding her teeth and contorting her face in the worst way. 

“Jake! Please…breathe… Jake wake up please breathe, baby…”

“Jake! Please, please don’t leave me…”

God damnit, she was dreaming about you. And Andy. And the day that changed everything. 

“Y/N, hey! Wake up!” you said gently, trying not to scare her. You grabbed at her hands as she writhed and pulled them away.

“No! Andy don’t fucking touch me! Get off of him!” she blabbered. 

She was fighting you hard now, her limbs flailing around as she fought Andy off of you in her dream. The tears were streaming down her cheeks, and she was fighting for her own breath. You blew in her face, trying to stop her sobs, to hopefully wake her up enough that she could stop the nightmare. 

She finally started to calm down just a little bit, a thin sheen of sweat already formed across her head and face. You grabbed her hands again, holding them tightly as she slowed her movements. She was breathing so heavily and quickly you thought she might hyperventilate...so you blew in her face again.

“Calm down, Y/N…it's just me...it’s Jake…I’m okay, I’m alive… I’m right here…” at this point, you were close to panicking yourself, just watching her fight off this demon of a dream. You moved your hands up her arms as she ceased fighting you, pulling her in toward you, holding her close as she fought her breath. Her breathing finally caught as she began to wake up. You pet the back of her head trying your best to wake her up peacefully. After a few minutes, her yelps and breaths turned into slow sobs as she brought her arms up to wrap around you. She was crying for real now, her body still shuddering from fear.

“Jake…you’re okay. Are you here? Are you really alive?” she rubbed your back like she thought you might disappear if she pulled away. 

“Yeah, I’m here...Andy didn’t get me, I’m right here…Just us.” you spoke quietly. 

She continued crying into your shoulder for a bit longer while she came completely awake, and realized what she had just gone through. Finally she pulled away quickly from your embrace, her hand covering her mouth as she realized. She backed all the way off, her eyes wide with understanding. 

“Oh my god, Jake, I’m so sorry…did I? Did I have another one?” she said, keeping her hand over her face. 

“Yeah,Y/N, you did. And it was a bad one. Worst I’ve ever seen…” you responded.

“Fuck. I’m so sorry. That was…yeah that was a bad one. God, did I hurt you? I feel like I was thrashing around…” she looked around, seeing the bed sheets torn up and messy. 

“You were thrashing, but no, you didn’t hurt me.” 

Yes you did. You hurt the fuck out of me just now, Y/N. Scared me to death. 

“Good, Okay. Fuck.” She stood from the bed, taking the covers and straightening them out as she continued to fight off the deep residual sobs fighting her chest. “I’m so sorry…”

“Stop apologizing, Y/N. You can’t help those things. It’s okay.” you said, feeling suddenly so, so sorry for her. “I’m just glad I was here, I guess…” you trailed off as she sat back down gently. You watched as she used the end of her t-shirt to wipe her face and dry her eyes. 

“I’m glad you were too. I’m really, really glad you were…” She extended her hand to you, leaving her palm up. “Jake, are you ever going to let me talk to you? Are you ever going to let me fix this?”

You glanced at her hand, and back to her face, swallowing hard as you contemplated an answer. 

“I’m not sure that this is something that can be fixed, Y/N, I hope you know that. I’m really, really serious.” you whispered, leaving her hand where it was. “You did this to us…”

She pulled her hand back and set it in her lap as she fought back another round of tears that decided to come anyway. She turned away and laid back down, pulling the covers over her head as she situated herself for sleep again. 

You both lied in silence for a while as you listened to her cry, your heart absolutely breaking for her. Why did you feel bad? She fucking cheated on you, and you feel bad for her? The feelings were backwards…it should be her consoling you, right?

“Y/N, stop crying, please…” you whispered into the heavy room air, the overwhelming feeling to hold her coming over your entire body. You knew her nightmare had been set off by Andy being out of jail, and you rushing her here so quickly, and all the stress of everything that had just happened…all before leaving to live out of a suitcase for the next few months. You knew her mind was probably not a very happy place right now. 

She rolled over a little bit, staring at the ceiling. 

“I’m so sorry, Jake. I am so, so fucking sorry. There’s nothing in the world I can say to take back what I did. I know you don’t want me anymore. And I understand that. I’ve accepted that. I’m ready to face the facts about the mistake I made. I just want you to know that I truly love you so fucking much it hurts me. And I am so sorry. I’ll never be able to explain how much regret I have. I could go on for days… I wanted everything with you, the whole nine yards and I fucked it up. I fucked it all up.” She said, mumbling through her tears. 

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to hear that. And I’ve got so much more to say. Just…thanks for letting me talk.” 

She rolled back over, still sobbing into the pillow. You sighed heavily, arguing with yourself about what to do. You still loved her, of course you did. But you couldn’t do this, not right now. 

You snaked your hand under the sheets, finding exactly where her hand was balanced on her leg. You grasped it, holding it tightly for a few seconds before letting it just sit in yours. Way down deep in the depths of your human need for contact and touch, you felt happy letting her hold your hand. But just this much. And just for tonight. 

—

HER POV

The days drug on the same as they did when you were home alone in Nashville, except they were sprinkled with little activities here and there that distracted you from everything. You had been thinking about going and staying with your parents for a few days, and you finally decided to act on it. It might do you some good. And you really missed them. 

“Hey I’m going to go stay at my mom and dads the next couple of nights…just wanted to let you know. I’ll be back the day the rest of the guys come home.” You told Jake one day as you returned from the most awkward “lunch date” you’d ever been on. 

“Oh, okay. Sounds good.” He responded as he got out of the car and headed toward the house, not having a single care if you followed closely behind or not. 

You returned to the house and went upstairs to grab your bag, and repacking most of your things. You’d do laundry at your parents’. You stood, taking off back downstairs to wait for your dad to pick you up. Everyone was gathered in the kitchen area doing dishes and cleaning, and you walked up to the island where Jake sat, fingering through another old photo album he found. 

“What are these?” You asked, placing a hand uncomfortably on his shoulder. 

“Oh, our great grandfather was in WWII. He and his wife had a whole bunch of kids, just wrapping my head around who’s who.” He responded, not looking at you. 

“That’s really cool, babe. I hope you figure it out.” You said as you heard your dad pull up in the driveway. You leaned down and placed a quick peck on his cheek as you headed toward the door. 

“Bye guys! My dad’s here. I’m going to my parents for a couple days. I’ll be back soon.” You said as you waved goodbye to Jake’s parents. 

“Oh, I’ll walk you out!” Kelly said. “Wanna say hi to your dad.” He opened the door for you and followed you out. 

You turned and shared one last glance with Jake, his face sullen and sad, but showing no sign of effort to come and say goodbye. 

You walked out to the car as your dad stepped out to hug you, then turned to Kelly for a hug and some conversation. You opened up the trunk to throw your bag in and rearrange a few things as you did so, giving the dads a minute to chat. You realized you were going to be wearing the same clothes over again as you fingered through the dirty clothes, but it was easier than digging through your carefully packed one you were taking on tour. 

You sighed, closing the trunk closed as the chilly wind picked up. When the door shut, Jake was standing there by the car. 

“Fuck! You scared me…” you yelped. 

“Sorry, um. If…anything happens tonight, in the middle of the night, just. Call me, ok? I’ll…talk you through it…” he said softly, standing with his hands in his pockets. 

His words struck you. He hadn’t said as much as two sentences to you in days, now he’s offering to give you comfort if you had another nightmare? It must have been a bad one…

You nodded quickly. “Okay, yeah. I will. I hope not, but. Thanks, Jake.” 

You both walked around to the passenger side of the car as the dads were saying goodbye. 

“Jake, good to see you again.” Your dad said as he shook Jake’s hand, and brought him in for a quick hug. “I’ll take good care of our girl for the next couple of days, promise.” He joked. You watched as Jake’s face fell into an expression that you knew hurt him. Our girl. 

“Ah, thank you, sir. I know she’s in good hands. Hey, tell the Mrs. hello for me…” he responded. 

“Will do.” He said, stepping away. He and Kelly stood awkwardly for a second, waiting to not be rude as you and Jake said goodbye. Fuck, what now? They’re expecting you to…

You looked to Jake as he quickly glanced around, also realizing they were waiting for you to say goodbye properly. 

“It’s ok, kids. Say your goodbyes. We know you’re grown.” Kelly said. 

Jake cleared his throat and stepped toward you just as the wind picked up again, blowing tiny flecks of snow across your faces as his hands found your elbows. You looked to him, eyes wide and breath baited as he inched himself closer. The look on his face was anxious, like he was going with his gut when he really didn’t know what else to do. 

Within seconds, the gap closed, and his lips touched yours, light, cold, and sweet…your eyes closed on their own as his grip on your elbows tightened, and you let yourself step closer into him. You exhaled slowly, letting yourself feel the fireworks explode in your brain. You felt warm all over, a stark difference compared to the temperature outside blowing through your jacket. 

You felt his lip tremble across yours as he parted his lips a bit, giving you the tiniest taste of him. It felt like it had been years. He tasted so good that you were melting, letting the snow and wind blow your hair in such a way that it was tangling with his, a wild mess of strands hiding your faces from the outside world for this tiny span of time. Just you and him again, nothing had ever felt so right. He moved his hands from your elbows to your waist, feeling his hands grasp your hips in such a way that you knew he had to feel it, too. God, Jake. 

Your hands quickly drifted to touch him, too, your fingertips grazing his sides as he squeezed you. The explosions happening inside your brain were like shooting stars gliding across the sky by the hundreds, all different colors and sizes, shooting directly from you to him. The electricity was insane. 

He pulled away quickly, clenching his jaw as you watched him fight himself. Then he reconnected after just a split second, this time with a little more heat involved. His mouth was open on yours, his tongue grazing your bottom lip as he brought his fingers around your hips, his thumbs digging in as he pulled you closer. Fire. Pure flames. He brought his hand up to cup your cheek, his thumb running directly under your eye, calloused and cold. That feeling alone made you want to dissolve. His touch was so desirable and so missed, and you found yourself craving more, right there in front of your dad and his. 

Then suddenly, it was over. A five second kiss that felt like all you had been yearning for for a hundred millennia. Over in the blink of an eye. He pulled away with a defeated exhale, looking directly into your eyes. 

“Bye, baby. Call me if you need me.” He squeezed your elbows again, and turned back toward the house. 

—

A couple of days spent with your parents was always the medicine you didn’t know your soul needed. Their love was always so unending, so real and solid. You had fun with them, too. Cracking corny jokes with your dad, doing art and cooking with your mom…watching old movies until you all fell asleep on the couch. 

You and your mom were sitting at the tiny kitchen table, talking about anything and everything as you shared a kettle of chamomile. 

“How are the Kiszka’s? I haven’t seen them in a while…” your mom asked, stirring her teacup. 

“They’re great! I stayed there last night, they were cleaning out an old closet and found all these old photo albums and stuff. Karen actually found an album with tons of photos with you and dad in it. At the lake, before any of us were born.” You replied. 

“Oh my gosh! Those were the days, honey! We had so much fun…always getting into trouble somewhere.” She laughed. “I could tell you some stories, that’s for sure.”

Actually…

Without a word, you dashed into your bedroom, finding the few photos you’d completely forgotten Karen had given you to give to your mom. You ran back into the kitchen and presented them to her. 

“Oh my goodness! Look at us! Honey, come in here and look! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen these!” You smiled as your parents were overjoyed to see little pieces of their past captured on paper. 

“This is when we almost sank the boat at the lake…oh! And this is when we went on that overnight hike up near the lake and camped. Oh, honey, remember you got poison ivy?” The joy that was emanating off of them was so cute to watch. 

“Oh, Y/N! This is when Karen told me about the babies! We were so happy. So terrified, we cried for hours…then we invited Lori over and told her, too. We sat up until the sun came up talking about how excited we were…”  she went on. 

“She told me you threw her a baby shower.” You smiled. 

“Yes, we did. They got so much stuff, and double! We had diapers stashed at everyone’s houses.” 

They continued to flip through the photos. “I can’t believe that just a few short years later you were born. And Sammy and Danny. Feels like just yesterday we were chasing you all around.” You watched as your mom reminisced. 

“Do you remember your, what was it, fourth birthday party? Probably not but, it was unicorn themed. You loved unicorns. We decked everything out and even had a piñata, it was adorable. But, you and Sam were so tight. Best friends. But he had started to pick on you a little, made fun of you for having such a ‘girly’ birthday party. I think he may have had a little crush on you. But he made you cry, baby! You were so shy and embarrassed, so I remember Jake going and setting him straight. Told him he wasn’t allowed to make people cry, especially his best friends. Something like, ‘We don’t hurt the feelings of the people we love, Sammy.’ Jake made him apologize to you, honey. Ugh, it was the sweetest little thing. He was protecting you even then.”

You felt your wide smile topple directly over into a frown. God, what? Your parents hardly ever talked about stories like this from your childhood, how you were all friends, how you grew up together. You knew they would, if you asked, but hearing a story like that just clarified everything you ever needed to know. Jake had literally always been there. 

Being back in your old home, and your old bedroom was definitely eerie, but nonetheless comforting. You kept catching yourself being so caught up in their love and care for you that you would forget about everything that had just happened, and about Jake. And Jake’s hands on you…but never for too long. 

The guilt still weighed heavily on you, especially since no one around you but Jake knew of the horrible mistake you’d made. The life-altering choice. You fell asleep each night debating on whether or not to text him and tell him goodnight, call him, send him a photo of the dinner you made, anything. But you never did. He didn’t want you to. 

You also debated on texting Sam, or Elle. For some reason, you’d had absolutely no contact with either of them since you got back from Vegas. Not even anything from Elle. It was eating you alive. 

The morning you were supposed to leave, you got a text from Jake. 

11:06am

Jake: They’re back. Spending the day visiting. You can come back tonight or we can get you on the way to the venue tomorrow. Doesn’t matter 

Oh, so he probably didn’t want you to come back today. You decided you’d have your dad drop you off late tonight when everyone had settled in for bed, that way you could just wake up and leave as a group. 

A group. It felt like you hadn’t been a group in years, now. You sighed, texting him back. 

11:09am

You: Okay, I’ll be back late tonight so we can just get on the road asap tomorrow

11:10am

Jake: Ok

You wondered if that was really okay with him, seeing as how now you would be sharing a bed again. Maybe you’d go back late enough that he would already be asleep, and you wouldn’t disturb him as you came back in. Yeah right, you thought. He’s a night owl. 

You waited until after midnight to have your dad take you back after you’d spent the evening talking and visiting with them by the old wood stove, sharing some drinks and dinner. 

“I think your mom and I are going to try to come to most of the Michigan shows, but your mom’s having a little bit of trouble with that darn Ticketmaster program, or whatever it is…” your dad went on as you pulled down Jake’s street. 

“Oh dad! I didn’t even think about you wanting to come! Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it. I’ll get you tickets. I’ll send them in an email.” You replied. 

“No, no, honey, we want to support them. We’ll figure it out.” He went on. 

“No, dad. I’ll get them. Seriously. Just you being there is supporting them. I promise. I’ll have them to you tomorrow.” You said, making a mental note. 

“Okay, thanks sweetie. We’re excited. Your mom’s making me go shopping for an outfit tomorrow. Whoopie!” You laughed as your dad seemed overjoyed to be hopping around the mall with your mom all day tomorrow. 

You pulled into the driveway, finding the house mostly dark. “I love you, dad. I’ll see you here soon!” You said, leaning over the seat to hug him. 

“Love you too, sweetie. So glad you kids come and see us, still. So happy you’re happy, honey.” He said, patting the back of your head. Shit. 

“Thanks dad. See you.” You half-smiled, climbing out of the car and grabbing your bag to sneak back inside the house. 

You quietly entered the house, hearing nothing but a distant TV and Josh’s snores coming from upstairs. You removed your shoes, and tiptoed through the dark house toward the stairway. Passing by the kitchen, something caught your eye. A dark shadowy figure sitting at the kitchen island, sipping a glass of water. 

Sam. The first you’d seen him, really. 

Your breath caught in your throat as you passed by him slowly, your eyes catching each other’s as he looked at you over the rim of his glass. The seconds felt like hours while you stared at each other, not moving, not saying a word. Finally he swallowed the water, and set his glass back down, breaking the eye contact. Fuck. You pulled your eyes off of him, and continued your trek up the steps. 

You decided to go to the bathroom first and take a quick shower; you weren’t sure when your next one would be, given how busy it was about to get. You stripped down and stepped in the steaming water, letting the past couple days wash off down the drain. You cranked up the heat, hoping that breathing in the steam would make you so dizzy that you’d fall right asleep when you got to Jake’s bed. 

You changed into a t-shirt and shorts and brushed your damp hair until it was tangle-free. When you went to brush your teeth, you found that Jake had left the toothpaste out on the counter. On purpose, for you? Or for himself in the morning…

Quietly, you pushed open the door to his bedroom, finding him already drifted off, lying on his stomach with his arms up under his face, in nothing but his boxers and his singular silver necklace. His hair was back in a bun, already messy from tossing and turning. The covers were pulled down to his waist, showing his whole torso rising and falling as he slept, his eyelids gently moving as he dreamed. Jesus, he’s so beautiful. You took a mental snapshot of him, knowing that this may be the last time you see him this way, this relaxed. 

Slipping in beside him, you turned your back away to not face him, and urged yourself to fall asleep as quickly as possible. After twenty minutes or so of drifting in and out, you felt warm, familiar hands reach out and grab you, pulling you backwards across the bed. Jake slipped his arm under your neck, and the other across your chest, pulling you backwards as he cuddled you. What in the world? 

You were surprised, but couldn’t tell if he was awake or not. You felt his face balance on the side of yours, feeling his slow and shallow breaths come across your face. Damnit, this is torture. You hadn’t felt his body on you like this in so long, you stiffened to it, unsure he even knew what he was doing. His hand that held your chest crept down and found yours, interlacing your fingers with his as he brought your hands back up to your chest, pressing them into you. 

Working hard to hide the sobs that began to shake your chest, you decided to let yourself feel it, your favorite place on earth, cuddled into Jake as he held you, safe and sound. You weren’t sure if he had even invited you here subconsciously or not, but for right now, you were just going to enjoy it. Bask in it. Let yourself be his little spoon one last time. His little dipper. 

—

JAKE POV

Your eyes popped open quickly, realizing the strange position you had found yourself in. Y/N wrapped up against you, your arms underneath her and twisted around her, your face close and breathing in the smell of her hair. 

Fuck, what the hell! 

You took a breath as the sleep drifted away, and you took a second, the tiniest amount of time, to feel her here. It may be the last time. She felt so good here, your puzzle piece. But she wasn’t yours, not anymore. 

You pushed yourself away slowly, pulling your asleep arm out from underneath her. Damnit! How did you let yourself do this?! How long were you cuddling? You rolled yourself to the opposite side, trying to wake your arm and hand up, the tingles making you hurt. 

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand, finding it to only be 6:30 in the morning. You had to wake up in a half hour anyway, so you crawled from the bed and headed to the shower, pissed at yourself for letting your guard down, and letting her get so close. 

—

Downstairs, you found your family already risen and awake, your mom scrambling eggs and whipping up breakfast as quickly as she could. Y/N was seated at the island, dressed and ready for the day. 

“Morning, babe.” She murmured, sipping her coffee. 

“Morning.” You replied, letting your hand brush her shoulders.. 

You wondered how the dynamic was since you’d been upstairs. Thankfully, Josh was taking up the dead space, filling the air with another explanation of a plan he had. 

You glanced to Sam, finding him stirring his coffee and staring at nothing else. Elle, listening to Josh with her head balanced on her fist. And your parents, unaware of anything and everything as they candidly discussed Josh’s plan. Hm. Okay then. We ride like this. 

Actually, you looked forward to ignoring Sam and Y/N all day, as you woke up on the absolute wrong side of the bed this morning. You were still kicking yourself for even touching her, let alone waking up with her intimately in your arms. Your stomach turned. Never again. 

The time came to leave, and you’d packed your suitcase without really caring how wrinkly anything got. You zipped it up and wheeled it down the stairs. Each of you hugged and kissed your parents goodbye, thanking them for breakfast and telling them you’d see them at the shows. 

“The van is outside, guys.” Y/N said, reading her phone. “Let’s get on the road.”

As you all walked out the door, you dead last, your mom caught you by the arm, pulling you back to talk to her. 

“Jake, did your dad give it to you?” She asked with a sneaky smile on her face. 

Fuck. 

“Yeah, uh. He did. It’s, great. I’m actually gonna keep it here, though, I won’t feel like it’s safe with me on the road.” You responded, watching as everyone loaded their things into the van. 

“Oh, no baby. Take it with you! You never know when you might, want it. Ya know? The moment will hit you out of nowhere, and you’ll feel like you can’t breathe until she says yes. Trust me honey, it belongs in your possession.” You watched as she ran quickly into the dining room to retrieve it. Within seconds, she came bounding back, and placed the bag secretively in your hand. 

“I know you’ll find somewhere safe to keep it. You’ve always been good with protecting your treasures.” 

She kissed your cheek, and you gave her a sweet smile. “Love you, Momma. See you soon.” You said, and you wheeled your suitcase down the walkway. 

You filed into the van one by one after stashing your things into the thankfully oversized trunk, and you were on your way to the hotel. You hadn’t been to these smaller towns in Michigan in some time, and you were excited to return. It was always fun revisiting cities again. The plan was to check into the hotel in Saginaw, drive to Kalamazoo to sound check, then back to the hotel to regroup before the show. It was going to be a long day. 

The ride wasn’t terribly long, and you spent most of it staring out the window at the scenery. You let your head wander a bit, the passing buildings and trees and farms a welcome distraction from your mind traveling a million miles a minute. You glanced over to Y/N on the bench seat beside you, flipping through her emails on her phone, probably recentralizing herself with her job. Good, we don’t have to talk. 

Finally you arrived at the hotel. You were looking forward to a little bit of downtime to get your head in the right space to be back on stage. It had been so long, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a bit nervous. But all would be well, as long as you could keep up your charade, and not strangle Sam. 

—

HER POV

After a quick exchange with the guys in the lobby, Richard handed Jake your room keys and you made your way towards the elevator. The ride up was silent, not that you expected it not to be. It was so weird to be around the guys and them think everything was okay, when it was the absolute furthest from okay. It was getting harder to lie to them, especially Josh, who was sending you questioning looks and sorrowful eyes. 

Being close to Jake again had only gotten harder. You missed him, more than you’ve ever missed anything. The real jokes, the real laughter, the real smiles. Not the fake ones the two of you had been producing over the last few days. Sharing a bed was the hardest part, knowing you couldn’t roll over and kiss him, or hold him and do anything you were dying to do. But he was right, you had made that choice in the stairwell. A choice you had to live with everyday now.

Opening the door to the hotel room you would call home over the next several days, you stepped inside, ready to disappear into the cloud of blankets, but your breath was nearly stolen from your lungs when you realized that your room reservation had been changed. 

Instead of your usual king bed, you were met with the sight of two queen beds, side by side. Your eyes widened as you realized this was Jake’s choice. 

You turned to look at him when he stepped in behind you, and his lips twitched a bit before his eyes caught yours. 

“What? You didn't honestly think we were going to continue to sleeping in the same bed…” he says, voice laced with venom.

You push your suitcase to the wall and turn heading straight for the bathroom, willing the tears not to fall before you could close the door. 

Shutting it behind you, you leaned over the sink, watching the tears drip into the white porcelain. Of course he doesn’t want to sleep with you anymore. He only did it to not raise suspicions. There was no other choice. Here, there’s a choice, and he’s made it.

The last few nights spent in the same bed with him had been the best sleep you’d gotten in what felt like ages, even if you hardly touched. Just knowing he was there with you, feeling his body heat under the sheets, hearing the soft noise of his breath as he slept, was enough. You tried not to think too much into it when you would feel him press against you, or the way his hand would seek yours out in the dead of night. You just let it happen, and just as quickly it would be gone.

You dried your red eyes and splashed your face with cold water, flushing the toilet to try and mask the real reason you were in here. You took a deep breath and let it out as you opened the door, stepping back into the room. As you made your way over to your respective bed, he didn't even bother looking up from his phone. 

You pulled your phone and charger from your bag and plugged it in, hoping to get a little more battery before you had to leave with the guys for soundcheck. As you laid back into the pillows you saw Jake turn and look at you, before getting up and walking over to the mini bar. He twisted the top on a miniature Jack Daniels, pouring it into one of the glasses on the counter. Of course he was drinking, that’s what he always does. 

Almost as if he had heard you his head snapped in your direction, “If you’re going to sit over there and scrutinize my every move you can book yourself into another room and I’ll let you do the honors of telling everyone why you aren’t in here with me. Sound good?” he says sarcastically, walking over to you.

“The drink is for you. Figured you’re gonna need it for the day you’re about to have.” he says, holding it out to you.

“I wasn’t scrutinizing you, Jake.” you snap taking the drink from his hand, even though you absolutely were.

“You think I can’t tell when you’re lying? You think I don’t know every single thought that goes through that mind of yours? It’s all over your face, Y/N.” he says.

“Actually, on second thought. Maybe I don’t. I don’t know, because I can’t possibly imagine the rationale you had in Las Vegas that told you what you were doing was a good idea. Maybe I don’t know you at all.” he says.

Your face flames red, and you toss back the warm drink, watching him rip his own phone from the charging cord and shove it into his pocket. “Let’s go, it’s time to leave.” he says, not even looking you in the eye.

He grabs his guitar case and heads for the door, leaving you in the dust.

—

Stepping through the doors at the venue you were happy to have an excuse to get away from everyone. It was a quick ride, choosing to stay at one hotel, central to all of the show locations. You took your normal seat next to Jake, but that was the extent of it. You didn’t speak, you didn’t touch, nothing. You were itching to get out of that van as quickly as possible.

You were thankful for that drink earlier, he was right, it would be a long night. Finding your way to the dressing room you made sure everything was ready for them before being stopped by Richard in the hallway. 

“You were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago. The crew is on the clock.” he says.

“As you know, the hotel you booked is well over 50 minutes away from this particular venue, paired with 5 o’clock traffic, there was bound to be a little bit of time discrepancy.” you reply. 

“As their assistant, it’s your job to make sure they are ready to go when I tell them it's time to leave and account for traffic.” he snaps.

“No, actually, my job is whatever Josh asks of me, and since he was the one running a bit behind as we left, I would say this whole argument is moot. They are here now and ready to go, so tell your crew they are heading to the stage.” you say, turning on your heels.

Who does this guy think he is?

The guys rush past you one by one, in a blur of linen and vibrant prints, ‘Hey Dick!’ ringing out from Josh’s mouth.

You smile to yourself. How perfectly timed, Josh. 

Jake brings up the back of the group walking to the stage with his guitar case in hand, passing it off to his tech, as he steps up onto the stage. 

“Y/N!” you hear your name called by a voice you haven't heard in days. Elle.

You take a deep breath and turn around to face her with a smile, “Elle!”

She wraps you in a hug that makes you sick to your stomach, “How are you!? Why haven't I heard from you?!” she gushes.

“Oh Elle, I’m sorry! I was so busy getting ready for tour that I have hardly been on my phone at all. Then I was visiting my parents… It’s been a crazy week.” you say, hoping she will buy it. 

“Oh totally, I get it. Thought for sure you’d be at the parents last night, but…” she trails off.

“Yeah, my family wanted to do this dinner thing, I don’t know. I got in late, you were already asleep.” you say.

“No biggie. We will be together like everyday now!” She smiles, “You ready to watch our men kill it the next few weeks?” 

Again, the sick feeling washes over you, just as the beginning notes begin to ring through the arena. “Yeah, I think it's going to be a wild tour.”

—

Danny came barrelling off of the stage with a huge grin, glad to be back in his happy place. He seemed more confident than ever recently, his new hairstyle definitely playing a part in that. You could hardly wipe the smile off of his face anymore, and you were glad someone was happy. 

Josh and Sam walked off next, talking as Josh sipped from a water bottle, patting you on the arm as he passed. Elle squeezed your hand as she joined Sam, as they walked down the stairs. 

Jake was last, handing his guitar off to his tech and giving him a few quick notes. You turned away and began to make your way down the stairs, hearing him walking behind you. 

“Hey…” he says, quietly and your breath catches.

You stop and turn to meet his eyes behind the lenses of his sunglasses, “Hey.”

“You gotta walk with me if you want this to be believable.” he says.

“Right.” you whisper to yourself, letting him catch up to you. 

The two of you make your way into the dressing room, finding everyone else already beginning to make drinks. Elle held a drink out towards you as you entered, and you were thankful. You accepted it from her, as she pulled you away from Jake and into the corner of the room to sit on a set of leather chairs.

“Now we can relax!” she smiles.

“Yeah, I haven’t done much of that recently!” you laugh.

“Really? I feel like that’s all we did since we got back from Vegas. Well…at least I have. I don’t know what Sam’s deal is, but he has been so…attentive. Anxious, almost.” she giggles. “Waiting on me hand and foot, cooking my favorites, and the sex…” she raises her eyebrow.

You swallowed down a large gulp of the vodka and orange juice mixture, feeling a cold sweat break out on your skin.

“Wow, sounds like the royal treatment.” you smile.

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s up, but I’m not complaining.” she says, looking over to Sam who is sending her a wink from across the room.

Well, I’m glad his relationship didn’t implode.

You glance over at Jake, who is leaning against the wall talking to Danny, his posture slightly closed off. 

“How’s he doing? You know… after everything. I haven’t heard from him since, neither has Sam.” she asks, looking over at him.

“Oh, um, well, I think he’s been really stressed about the tour starting. We haven’t really talked much about that night at all. He’s kind of been keeping to himself and trying to stay busy.” you lied.

“Hmm, I guess that makes sense. He was super quiet last night when we were all hanging out. Would hardly speak to anyone. Just kind of looked at his phone all night.” she says dismissively.

“Yeah, he was asleep when I got there, then we left early this morning. I’m sure once the first show is done and over with he will come around. Just pre-tour nerves or something.” you reply.

Just then the door opens to the dressing room, Richard stepping in commanding the attention in the room. 

“Listen up boys, we’ve got some new team members joining us and I wanted to get introductions done so we can have a smooth show tomorrow. I’m gonna be bringing people by as I see them, but for now, and most importantly, I’d like you to say hello to Logan. He is the new Production Manager. He will be overseeing everything behind the scenes. He will be in charge of your equipment, so you don’t want to get on his bad side.” he lets out a fake laugh. 

Richard steps aside and you see the man step through the door, stealing all the air from your lungs. His smile is exactly like you remember as he glances around the room, lifting a hand to wave as his eyes spot you. 

“Logan!?” you say, jumping up from your chair. He looked exactly how you remembered, just a little older. His hair hung in long spiral curls around his face, still the same dark brown that stood out against his slate gray eyes.

“Oh my god, Y/N?!” he says, hastily making his way over to you and pulling you in for a hug.

“Wha–What, what are you? You’re? Oh my god!” you gush, stepping back from his familiar hug. 

The two of you laugh as you realize you’ve made quite the scene. 

“I’m guessing you two know each other?” Danny asks. 

“Uh yeah! We had nearly every Major course together the last two years of college! Shit, I probably wouldn’t have graduated if it wasn’t for her!” he says, wrapping his arm around your shoulder. 

Your cheeks hurt from smiling so hard as you looked around the room. Everyone smiling, except for Jake. He stood leaned against the wall, sipping his drink with his legs crossed, watching the scene unfold before him. You swallowed nervously and turned your attention back to Logan. 

“Okay, let me introduce you to the guys!” you say, grabbing his arm and pulling him over towards Josh. 

“This is Josh, lead singer and tambourine expert.” Josh smiles and shakes his hand. 

“This is Daniel, he plays the drums.” you say motioning towards Danny. 

“Oh, drums. I wanna pick your brain later if you’re up for it?” he asks, sending a hopeful smile Danny’s way.

“Shit yeah, always.” he agrees. 

“Okay, this is Sam, he plays bass, keys, and pretty much any other instrument you can imagine.” you laugh.

“Oh and he’s always down for shots!” Sam adds, reaching his hand out to Logan. 

“Ahh my bass man. So you’ve got that modded out green fender?” he asks, pointing his finger towards him.

“Yeah man, that's my lady.” he smiles.

“Dude, the jazz neck…” he says nodding his head.

“Yeah, game changer. I’ll never go back.” he says excitedly. 

Okay, so this is going extremely well. You had forgotten that Logan was just as much of an expert as they always were. He was going to fit in just fine.

“And lastly, Jake. He is the lead guitarist and probably who you will be working with the most.” you say, letting your eyes drift up to meet his.

Jake clears his throat and extends his hand, “Hey man, nice to meet you, Jake.”

“Dude, I’ve gotta say, your cabinet is stacked.” he smiles.

“Yeah, I’ve always had a type. Had a hard time straying from it. But more recently I have been thinking I need to venture out. Maybe try something new for once.” he replies, cutting his eyes over to you. 

What?

“I don’t know man, if you find something that works for you… gotta stick with it.” he replies, clearly having no idea the true intentions behind Jake’s words.

“Yeah, and I’ve always thought that, but, guess we’ll see if anything new catches my eye. May be time for a change.” he says, sipping from his drink.

You feel your heart plummet into your stomach, and shake the thoughts away. 

“Well it was great to meet you all, I have a few loose ends to wrap up before tomorrow, so I’m gonna run, but if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Oh, Y/N, you still have my number right?” he asks, as you nod your head, “Cool, can you send it to them? Just text me guys, I always have my phone on me. See ya tomorrow!” he says, giving you one more hug and stepping out the door. 

“Well, well, well, I guess we know now why little miss thing went MIA for a few years.” Danny laughs. 

The room sounded out with ‘ooh’s and ahh’s’ and kissing noises, making your stomach turn.

“No. No. No. It was never like that. We were just best friends.” you confirm.

“Makes sense.” Sam says, crossing his arms. 

“Ugh! Not like that Sam, come on!” you try to reason.

“No, no… I get it…” he says facetiously.

“I swear!” you say, with a smile. 

“Jake better mark his territory, and quick!” Danny laughs.

Everyone turns to look at him, finishing the rest of his drink, “Even if I did, how do I know it would stop him? People typically go after what they want regardless of the consequences.” he says, sending the room silent. 

“Whatever, you guys ready to eat? I’m starving!” Danny says, making his way to the door. 

Everyone agrees and stands up, walking over to the door. You hang back for a minute, breathing heavily as you try to clean up the empty cans and glasses left scattered about. 

You toss the last can into the trash, watching Jake hold the door open with his back, as you walk towards it. 

“Isn’t that right, Y/N…”

Your face flames red as you slip past him, heading towards the van waiting outside. You could feel him, hot on your heels as you walked down the hallway. You turned around to catch his gaze, fixed upon you as you walked, and if you didn’t know any better, by the look on his face, you would say that famous rockstar Jacob Kiszka, was jealous of someone else.

—

After a quick dinner at the hotel bar, you all made your way back to your respective rooms, ready to call it a night. You walked with Jake and Josh as you stepped out of the elevator, the two of them finishing up a conversation that started well over thirty minutes ago. 

“You guys wanna come into my room for a bit?” Josh asks.

“No. Y/N’s tired, but I will for a few.” Jake replies. 

“Here, take the key. You can go.” he says, pulling the extra key card from his wallet. 

Josh looks at the two of you and the interaction you just had with an inquisitive look, casting his glance over to Jake. 

He quickly realizes, and leans over kissing your cheek, as you accept the card from his hand. 

“Won’t be long, baby.” he says, eyes dead as the words leave his lips.

You nod your head and make your way down the hallway to your room, tapping the key to the door and looking over your shoulder to see them entering into Josh’s, but you notice Jake, looking over his shoulder to watch you, too.

You step into the room, and as the door shuts you let out a sigh. What a rollercoaster of a day. 

You step over to your suitcase, pulling your toiletries out of the bag, and grabbing your pajamas, before heading into the bathroom for the longest, hottest shower of your life.

You take extra time in the shower, scrubbing every inch of your skin and even double shampooing. You let the scalding hot water beat into your skin until it’s pink, relaxing the tense muscles in your shoulders from all of the stress over the last few days. Usually, Jake would work out the knots for you, his skilled hands knowing all of your pressure points. You could only dream of how it would feel to let his hands glide over you one last time.

You shook the thought from your head and stepped out of the shower, wrapping your hair into the white towel. You slid your hand across the foggy mirror and looked at yourself. 

What did you do? More importantly, why?

—

JAKE POV

After a quick night cap in Josh’s room you found your legs carrying you down the hallway to your room, dread washing over you as you heard the door unlock. 

As you stepped inside you heard the shower running. Maybe you can change, get in bed and fall asleep before she comes out.

You quickly walked over to your suitcase, pulling out a t-shirt and and stripping out of your clothes, before pulling it over your head. You pulled your hair into a bun and grabbed your phone charger, plugging it into the wall, before sliding into the cold, crisp sheets. 

You pulled your glasses on and laid on your side, facing the other bed as you scrolled through your phone, trying to see if anything piqued your interest. The room was lit by only one softly glowing yellow lamp, and you felt your eyelids growing heavy. 

The bathroom door unlocked, commanding your attention as you saw her step out of the bathroom. You nearly felt your chest cave in as you looked at her. Her skin was flushed pink from the shower, her wet hair hanging around her shoulders. You could smell her, your favorite smell in the world, even from across the room. But that wasn’t what took your breath away. No. It was the sight of her, bare legged and standing there in that old t-shirt you gave her so long ago. 

You remember the night you gave it to her, after that party. The first night you ever slept next to her. The first night you played her what would forever be known as her song. Whether you liked it or not. She kept the shirt, after all these years. And you’d never forget it.

Now as she walked towards the beds with her dirty clothes in hand, you watched her as she squatted down to her suitcase, to put her things away. She turned to you, catching you staring. Fuck. 

“Can I…use that toothpaste again? I will get my own tomorrow, I swear.” she asks.

You pretend to be disinterested, focusing back on your phone. “Yeah, sure it’s in the bag.”

When you know she has her back turned, you watch her walk over to your suitcase sitting on the luggage stand, and begin to look for your toiletry bag. She bends slightly at the waist as she unzips the bag and pulls out the toothpaste, giving you the slightest peek at her ass as the shirt lifts. 

Your body betrays you as you feel the blood start to rush away from your head. You roll back to your side, and open a news article, trying to focus your attention on anything other than how you know she looks beneath that shirt, and how badly you want to touch her. 

She disappears back into the bathroom, and remerges a few minutes later, locking the door and closing the curtains. She slides into her bed, opposite of yours and plugs in her phone. 

You find your eyes drifting over the top of your phone to look at her, her eyebrows furrowed as she scrolls through hers. 

You see her look up from her phone in the exact same way but quickly return your eyes to your screen. You pull your glasses off and set them on the nightstand, along with your phone, before flipping to your back. 

“Do you want me to turn the light off?” she says softly.

“Nah, doesn’t bother me, if you want it on.” you reply. 

“Do you care if I turn the TV on?” you ask.

“No, go ahead. But no murder stuff, it will give me nightmares.” she smiles.

“Alright. No murder stuff.” you say, reaching for the remote. Your eyes catch hers just five feet away from you, and you feel your heart twist. You swallow, grabbing the remote and turning on the TV.

You reposition yourself in the bed, flipping through the channels to find something you could fall asleep to. You hear her slide her phone onto the nightstand and flip off the lamp, leaving the room lit with just the blue glow of the television.

You settle on The Food Network, showing a rerun of Chopped, just as someone is being sent away. You turn down the volume and place the remote on the nightstand, before rolling back to your side. 

You close your eyes for a few seconds, feeling the whiskey swirling through your system as you try to drift off to sleep, but something in your mind is telling you to open your eyes, just look at her one more time. 

So you do, and you’re met with her gaze. She’s watching you just like you’re watching her. Both of you laying on your sides, just staring at one another in the dark room. But neither of you makes a move to stop. You think of her, laying there in your shirt. Of her in your bed this morning, the way she was wrapped around you, and your stomach starts to churn. You’re mad. How could she do this to you? To both of you?

“Was it worth it?” you ask, your gravely voice drifting across the room.

“What?” she breathes.

“Was it worth it?” you repeat, a little louder.

“No. No Jake, it wasn’t. I wish I could take it back.” she answers, voice cracking.

“I wish you could too.” you reply. 

“I’m sorry, Jake.” she says, a tear running out of her eye.

“I bet you are.” you snap.

You watch her turn over to her other side, hugging her arms around her chest as she tries to stifle the sound of her tears. You wonder how many nights in a row she’s cried herself to sleep. 

Your adrenaline is pumping from the short interaction, causing your heart to race. You look at the TV, pretending to be interested before deciding to settle yourself into your pillows and close your eyes. It hurt you to be so cold towards her. You hated it. But you hated what she’d done even more. 

You could hear her sniffles through the low drone of the TV and swallowed heavily to push your own feelings back.

“Do you remember? Do you even remember what you said to me, that night in Bridgeport?” she asks, breaking the silence. 

You don’t answer, running through your memories trying to remember what she’s talking about.

“You–ou told me you would love me until the day you died.” she forced through her heaves of breath. “Then, in Chicago…” she pauses. “...You told me you would never leave me. Never.”

It felt like someone sliced your heart out. You knew you had to shut this down before it got worse.

“That was before you snuck off and slept with my brother behind my back, Y/N. Do you not get that?” you say.

“I do! I do get it Jake! And I have told you I’m sorry! I’ve told you I regret it more than anything in my whole life! I told you I wish I could take it back! I can’t do this without you, it’s killing me!” she cries out. 

“You made the choice, Y/N! Both of you did. I didn’t make it. I just did what I had to do.” you answer. 

“But you don’t have to Jake! You can let me try to fix it! Let me try to regain your trust, I–” she sobs. “I love you Jake. Can’t you see that?” she finishes, her voice small.

“You know what I see Y/N? I see the vision of you and Sam in a stairwell, both fully knowing you were doing, and continuing to do it regardless of the consequences. You knew what you were giving up that night.” you reply.

“Tell me you don’t love me anymore Jake. Tell me.” she snaps.

“No. I won’t say that. Part of me always will. I loved you since we were teenagers, it built up over years. But all it took was 5 minutes for me to understand that you didn’t feel the same way.” you say.

“But I do! And…This morning… You–you, we…”

“It was a mistake. It meant nothing. All of this has meant nothing. I told you that. Don’t read into it.” you snap.

“You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything when you kissed me! I know you did Jake! You didn’t want it to end just as much as I didn’t.” she says.

“You’re right, I did feel something after that kiss. I felt sick. Sick to my stomach, that I thought you were who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.” you say, driving in the final dagger.

You hear a sob rip from her chest. You knew that was harsh, and fuck, maybe you didn’t mean it. But part of you just wanted her to hurt like you were hurting. You knew that would do it. 

You reach for the remote and turn the TV off, letting your eyes close. “And for the love of God, please don’t cry all night, I have a long day tomorrow and I need to get some sleep.” you say, placing the remote on the nightstand and letting your eyes close.

Her stifled sobs fall into her pillow, and your heart twists knowing you caused it. You lied, you did love her. You didn’t know if you could stop loving her. Loving everything about her. The good, the bad, the ugly. If anything were to make you stop loving her, this would be it, right? Were you doing the right thing? Was this the right thing?

—

The first show came and was a blur of flames and explosions, the crowd a sea of black and gold and glitter. Your new addition of a pyro blast during your extended solo during ‘The Weight of Dreams’ already seeming to be a crowd favorite. There were a few hiccups, the brand new monologue before the show of Josh telling a long story about the inner workings of his brain and the meaning of the album cutting out, followed by Josh’s microphone deciding to cut out on him during the first song. 

You knew Logan was rushing around like a crazy person backstage trying to fix it along with the sound techs, but all was well, and everyone tried to keep spirits up. 

You had to admit, you were having a blast. Even with all of the drama and the heartbreak, and being so horribly upset with your little brother, you let it all disappear on stage. You would never think that you were so deeply mad and disappointed in Sam that you contemplated cutting him off completely. You both acted as if nothing had even happened. The fans didn’t deserve that energy. 

The show was proceeding perfectly, until you caught a quick glimpse of Y/N and Logan hamming it up side stage. Luckily, they were on Sam’s side, so you didn’t have to be right there by it, but it was almost like they wanted you to see them. Were you crazy? And why did you even care? 

You thought your insides might explode when you saw her place her hand on his chest, tilting her head back as she laughed. He’s supposed to be working… and the next time you looked, he was gone. Just Y/N and Elle standing together, watching everything play out. Did Elle even have any idea?! 

—

“Excellent show, guys! Well done!” Richard yelled to you as you descended the steps. 

“What turned over your leaf, Dick? You’ve never been that nice to us…” you heard Sam respond, causing the whole group to erupt in snickering laughter. 

“Hey, hey now. I’m just giving credit where credit is due. Don’t mistake my kindness, Mr. Kiszka.” Richard replied as you all rushed down the hallway back to the green room. 

“You just needed to see us play in real life, with a real crowd, not just sound checking, right Dick? I get it. You were impressed. You don’t have to be shy about it!” Danny said, slapping him on the shoulder as you passed him. 

“Yes, Dick! This is how it always happens. It’s okay, you’ll fall in love with us soon…” Josh added. 

You laughed at your brothers, sitting on an absolute high that you hadn’t felt in ages. You were floating down the hall, soaked in sweat and exhaustion flowing through your hands. Your fingertips were throbbing and your ears were ringing, the energy was wild and you knew the smile would be plastered across your face until you fell asleep tonight. You had the best job in the world. 

Everyone made their way back into the room, beginning to change and grab drinks. 

“I gotta go piss I’m getting ready to die!” Sam yelled over the excitement as he scurried away holding himself. You chuckled at him as you inadvertently made eye contact with Elle, the both of you shaking your heads at his display. Fuck you, Sam. I love you, but fuck you. Endlessly. 

Whoa, Elle. Your mind jumbled up really fast, jumping back to that night in Vegas, her straddled across your lap whispering in your ear, you completely unable to take your hands off her…

“Hey!” 

Y/N. Shit. You shook away the intrusive thought. 

“That was…unreal, Jake! You were…amazing. Congratulations…” she said with a shy and straight face, pulling her hair behind her ear as she lightly touched your arm, and walked away. 

“Thanks…” you said, probably barely audible as you watched her walk away.

“There’s the man of the hour! What happened out there, my guy?” Josh yelled as Logan entered the room, holding his hands up in surrender. Logan plopped down on the couch next to Josh, putting his face in his hands. 

“I’m so sorry, guys. I don’t know what happened. I’m working with sound to get it figured out. We’re thinking it may have been a disruption with communication between systems, something easy. I apologize, guys. That shouldn’t have happened. And on my first show!” He said, putting his head in his hands again. 

“All is well, Logan. Don’t beat yourself up.” Danny said. 

“Yeah, but if it ever happens again, you’re fired.” Josh added, laughing as he patted him on the back again. “I’m kidding, I joke!” 

Spirits were extremely high in that little room as you all celebrated like your entire world wasn’t crumbling at the foundation, the love was obvious and you were proud of yourselves. For just a little while, you let yourself be happy. 

—

Everyone made their way back to their respective hotel rooms after piling in the van, all of you still not used to the stamina needed for a show. But you’d get there. You felt a headache coming on, almost like a blinding one right behind your eyes, and you decided it was just the comedown from all the adrenaline. You looked forward to crashing in your bed after a shower. 

You and Y/N were walking into the lobby with the group after she made sure everyone had everything they needed for tomorrow. 

“Sheesh, brother you could at least act like a gentleman and hold her hand to the elevator…” Josh surprised you as he came up between the two of you. Fuck, Josh. 

You glanced to her, her face fallen. You reluctantly grabbed her hand, careful not to lace your fingers, and started off toward the elevator, ignoring Josh’s existence. When the doors finally closed, you let go of her hand, and pulled your phone out to distract yourself. 

“This is exhausting, Jake.” She murmured. 

“I’m fine, what do you mean? No sweat off my brow…” you added, not looking up from your phone. 

She sighed, leaving it at that as you hopped off the elevator and quickly made it to the room, her falling behind. You opened the door and immediately began stripping your clothes off, ready to get in the shower and wash your hair. You were completely nude before you even opened the door to the bathroom, not giving one single fuck if Y/N cared or not. 

You heard her breath catch as she finally came through the door, seeing you naked for the first time in weeks. You let her look, and you stayed completely unphased. You literally couldn’t care less. You grabbed some clean clothes and headed for the bathroom, not saying a word. 

Twenty minutes later, you were both tucked away in your beds, you watching another cooking show and her on her phone. You noticed it was buzzing, incessantly, and it was kind of getting on your nerves. She giggled every few seconds, and was typing away. Who is she texting? Not that you care…

Suddenly she shot up, lifting her t-shirt over her head to reveal her naked top half. You felt your eyes travel to her on their own, taking one quick look at her before retreating back to the TV. God damn, she’s so beautiful. Then she let her shorts fall, revealing her whole naked self. Jesus Christ, Y/N…what are you doing to me…

She nonchalantly pulled a long dress and a sweater from her suitcase, getting dressed as if you weren’t even in the room. You guessed since you let her see you in the flesh earlier, she would let you see her, too. Well played. She gathered her hair up in a low messy bun, effortlessly letting it fall wherever it wanted to. She pulled on some boots, and began to make her way toward the exit. 

“Leaving?” You asked, trying to sound uninterested. 

“Yeah. Meeting a friend at the bar.” She said as she grabbed her purse and threw it over her shoulder, pulling the heavy door open. “Sweet dreams, Jacob.”

And she was gone. After what you’d just seen, you weren’t sure if your dreams were going to be sweet or not. 

—

The next morning, your headache was considerably worse. You couldn’t make it to the bathroom fast enough to grab your bottle of ibuprofen, praying that it would take away some of the pain. Your whole body ached, like you’d been run over by a semi. Damn, you really were out of shape. You’d only had a couple of drinks last night, hardly even enough to negate a hangover. You swallowed the pills down, chugging a bottle of water behind them. 

You fell back into bed, hoping for an extra half hour or so of sleep before it was time to go again. Y/N had made it back to the room last night; you didn’t even hear her come back in, you must have been sleeping hard. You let your eyes fall closed again, and let your body sink away until your alarm was set to go off. 

—

The medicine had helped a bit, taking away the pain that you felt creeping deep in your bones. You were tired, but felt better than you did last night. You pushed through sound check at the venue in Grand Rapids, and began to mentally prepare yourself for the show again tonight. 

“Jake, you ok?” You heard Danny ask as he sat down beside you on the couch while you strummed away on your acoustic. “You look worn out.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Just still a little tired from last night.” You said. 

“Okay, well. It’s only night two. We’ve got a lot ahead of us. You want some water or something?” He asked. 

Damn, maybe you did look worse off than you thought. 

“Nah, man. Thanks. I’ll be alright.” You relayed. 

Just then Y/N popped into the room to tell you it was time to get dressed. You pulled yourself from your seat, feeling dizzy as you did so. You shook it off, and made your way to the next room. 

When you entered, the first thing you saw was Y/N candidly talking to Sam in front of the large wall mirror. What the fuck. Are they speaking? They were smiling, though not their normal selves, you could tell it felt, ordinary. 

You got dressed without a word, seeing them laugh and chat like nothing in the world had happened. You felt the blood in your veins boil, your hearing muffled as you heard her laugh fly across the room. Fuck this. 

You pulled Y/N to the side behind a door in the hall, finally feeling your rage about to topple over. Why were you even mad? 

“What the hell, Jake? What?” She barked as she flipped free of your grasp. 

“What do you mean, what? You’re just being normal as ever with him right in front of me? After everything? Damn, Y/N…we haven’t even all talked about this shit yet and they still have no clue about us and you’re really throwing it in my face like this?” You stammered. 

“Throwing it in your face? Are you serious, Jake?! I thought the agreement was to ‘keep up appearances’, was it not? And to keep things normal, that also entails keeping up appearances with him, too. Right? Would it not? I have to act like Sam and I are still the best of friends…Do you really want Josh and Danny wondering what the fuck is going on twenty minutes before the show? Hm? Elle and Sam having a disaster happen right now?” She spat back, guilty tears filling her eyes. 

“No, we haven’t all talked about this yet. And I don’t know when the right time will be. And I am dying on the inside, Jake. My whole life is fake now, like an act. So unless you want World War III to happen in this dressing room, I suggest you keep up the appearance, too.” She said, making the rage in your system overflow. She’s kinda right. But it’s not fucking fair. 

You let your head fall back and hit the wall with a thud. “What kind of shitshow are we in, Y/N?” 

“A really fucking crappy one. And it’s my fault. And I know that. I’m just trying to…keep things...from imploding…” she went on, crossing her arms over her chest, wiping a tear away. 

“Yeah, it is your fault. Fuck this, I have a job to do.” You trailed off, throwing your hands up, turning to go back into the room. “Just keep lying, Y/N. It’s what you’re best at.”

You felt her following you back into the room, finding everyone dressed and sharing drinks. Appearances. 

You turned and grabbed her, one hand around her waist and the other behind her head, leaning her back low into a dip, and kissed her low and slow right on the lips. The room erupted in ‘oooooh’s’ as they watched. You let it last a few seconds, her entire body stiff in your arms. She let you kiss her, she barely made an effort to kiss you back, solely from the element of surprise. 

When you opened your eyes, you found hers looking back to you with the most wistful and blissed-out look she’d given you in ages. 

“Too bad this means absolutely fucking nothing.” You whispered in her ear before popping her back up to stand. You walked to the mini bar to grab a drink, then you took off down the hallway. 

“Where are you going?” You heard Josh yell. 

“I have something to do.” You hollered back, heading straight to the sound booth to add a certain special song to the setlist. 

—

HER POV

You watched as Jake rushed out of the dressing room, the feeling of his lips on yours still lingering. 

“I’m gonna go see what the fuck that was about, be right back.” Josh said, excusing himself from the room.

“Jeeze, he is really on edge lately.” Elle said, shrugging her shoulders.

You made your way to the bar cart and grabbed a seltzer, popping the lid and chugging the entirety of the mango flavored bubbles.

“Oh so it’s a party?!” Daniel said, walking over to join you.

“Yeah, something like that Danny…” you smiled.

Just then your radio blared into the room, “Lighting, Pyro, Sound, channel 2 for set change.”

Sam and Danny snapped their heads in your direction, clearly confused by the announcement.

“Two! Two go to two!” Sam urged.

You quickly twisted the knob to find channel two catching the tail end of the change.

“...and so we will slot that between Heat Above and Broken Bells. Got that? Pyro, you good man?” you heard Logan's voice ring through the speaker. 

“Yeah, man, give me five and we are set.” the voice replies.

“Lighting, sound, you good?” he asked.

“Yeah, running up with the techs and we are good.” they replied.

“What the fuck change? Shouldn’t we know about this?” Danny snaps.

“Where’s Josh, does he know?!” Sam asks.

You switch back to the main channel, and hear the chatter beginning. Suddenly Jake and Josh burst through the door, and Josh makes a beeline straight to the bar cart.

“You’re fucking insufferable sometimes Jacob.” Josh snaps, pouring the tequila into his silver tumbler. “You have to talk to us about this shit. You can’t just spring it on us!”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want, if you remember correctly.” he chides.

You grab Elle’s hand and pull her out the door with you, needing to let them hash this out privately.

“What the hell is going on?!” she asks.

“I think Jake made a setlist change but didn’t talk to any of them about it first? I’m not sure, that’s just what I'm piecing together.” you answer, walking her out to the side stage to listen to the openers finish up.

“Damn, he has seemed really off lately.” she says. 

If she only knew.

“He has been. Ever since Vegas. He can’t seem to shake it.” you admit.

“Is he like…upset about…everything?” she asks.

“Not particularly that. I think he is just still… processing everything that happened. It was a lot for him.” you say, knowing its only partially true.

“I’m really sorry Y/N, I would have never–”

“No. Don’t apologize. If anyone should be apologizing it should be me. I kind of pushed the issue…” you say.

“Five minutes to stage…” the call rings through the radio.

“Oh, are we gonna stand side stage tonight? Or should we do seats?” she asks.

“Actually, seats sound good tonight.” you reply.

“Lemme give Sammy a kiss and we can go okay?” she says sweetly. 

Your heart twists in your chest, knowing you should probably do the same with Jake. Unfortunately it means more to you than it does to him. He’s made that very clear.

The intro starts playing and the guys all congregate on the side of the stage, the energy still strange between all of them, and the smell of their pre-show shot, filling your nose.

You watch Elle bound over to Sam, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her lips to his. He pulls her tightly into him, as he kisses her back. “Good luck baby! We will be up in the seats tonight, okay? Look for me?” she asks.

You wince at the sweet nod he gives her as she releases herself from him and joins your side.

“You gonna kiss your man or what? I want to see the curtain drop!” she bounces.

Jake looks over to you and you watch him swallow as he steps over to you grabbing his guitar from his tech with his free hand.

You lace your fingers around his neck and pull him towards you, gently pressing your lips to his in a sweet and gentle kiss. His tongue barely swipes your lip and you open your mouth just enough to let it in. His free hand grabs your waist and pulls you against him just for a second before he steps back.

“Break a leg…” you whisper.

His eyes linger on yours just for a second, before looking away and stepping up the stairs to take the stage.

Elle grabs your hand and pulls you away towards the seating area and you both walk quickly to try and make it to a set of empty seats before the curtain falls. But with a final look over your shoulder you see him, still watching as you walk away.

—

The first half of the show was electric, the crowd knew every word to every song. You saw the guys searching the crowd for the two of you, Sam making a special effort to smile at Elle throughout the entirety of the first half. Jake caught your gaze a few times, a serious look on his face as he put all of his effort into his craft. 

The show reached the middle point, and you watched as Jake’s tech swapped his guitar for his acoustic. You furrowed your brow, unsure of why since the set didn’t call for an acoustic song. 

This must be the change he made.

Sam began on the keys, as Josh introduced the song, “This next one is about the simplicity of love, and how accessible it is…”

Oh no.

And then, with no warning at all, you were stabbed straight in the heart. Jake began strumming the opening chords, his long hair dusting across his shoulders as he put everything he had into it.

‘Babe, ain’t no denyin’... that I’ve got you in my head…’

Jake no…

‘Girl, I'd be flyin'...If you stood yourself and said’

‘You're the one I want…You're the one I need…’

‘You're the one I had…So come on back to me…’

Your heart began to pump harder than you’ve ever felt. Your breathing picking up as you felt your eyes start to fill with tears. Why did he do this?

You fix your eyes upon him, waiting for him to look at you. Just look at me Jake. Tell me you aren’t giving up on me.

“Oh my god babe, it’s your song. How sweet!” Elle says, completely unknowing that he isn’t playing this because he loves you. No he’s playing this because he wants to hurt you. Show you what you lost.

Your mind is screaming out to him. Look at me Jake!

You watch as he makes certain to never look in your direction. He sings the lyrics with Josh, even closing his eyes as his head turns towards you. He refuses to even see you. 

A single tear slips out of your eye as the song ends. This was his goodbye.

—

You're fairly certain you didn’t speak for the rest of the show, or even after. You just sat, numb, watching the world continue to spin around you. You sat watching as he carried on with his life normally as if he didn’t just tear yours apart.

You tried to distract yourself, cleaning up the green room, hanging their outfits, anything really so that you didn’t have to talk to anyone. You knew the second you did, it would be over, and the tears would flow once again.

As it came time to load up the vans, you were the last to get in, sitting next to Elle.

“What’sa matter babe? You feelin’ okay?” she asks, nudging you.

You nod quickly, and place your hand on her leg, patting it gently. She places her hand on top of yours and continues her conversation with Sam. It wasn’t too far of a drive back to the hotel, and you were thankful, knowing you were going straight to the room and straight to bed. You wanted this nightmare to end. 

As you arrived out front, you all got out and listened as you heard everyone making plans to hit up the bar in the lobby for a nightcap. Elle begged you to join, but after explaining that you hadn’t been sleeping well, she let it go, and hugged you tight.

You walked towards the elevator, Jake catching your shoulder as you passed him.

“Hey. Gonna grab a few drinks then I’ll be up, okay?” he says, purely out of formality.

“Yeah.” you reply completely deadpan, continuing towards the elevator. He stands, looking at you as you walk away, as you look over your shoulder.

You step into the freezing cold room, and immediately burst into the tears you’ve been holding back all night. You couldn’t fix this. It was done. It was over and it was all your fault.

—

The clock reads 12:37am, as you hear the hotel room door shut. He must be back.

You can hear him grumbling as he tries to undress himself in the dark, and change into a t-shirt. What you also hear is the cough creeping up his throat that he’s trying to choke back. 

You lay there in the dark, watching his shadowy figure move across the room, grabbing a bottle of water and shaking a few pills out of a medicine bottle. 

He sniffles as he twists the lid on the water bottle, and you hear him groan as he tips the bottle to his lips.

He walks over to the bed, plugging in his phone and tying up his hair before sliding into the bed with a sigh.

He coughs again, and it sounds bad. It sounds deep in his chest, wet and painful.

You roll over to your side to face him. His face illuminated by the glow of his phone screen.

“Jake?” you ask, voice soft yet thick with sleep.

His head snaps over towards you, obviously unaware that you were awake.

“What.” he replies, a certain slur to his tone, an obvious indication he had been drinking.

“Are you sick? That cough sounds bad.” you say.

“No. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” he snaps.

“Are you sur–”

“I’m fine. Drop it.” he says.

“Sorry.” you reply meekly.

He rolls over onto his side, resting his head on his elbow as he continues to scroll through his phone. You watch as he studies it, just the sight of his tired face making you want to cry.

His eyes flick up to look at you, “So how was the show tonight?” he asks, with a smirk.

Your chest shakes as you think about what he did, “You know how it was Jake. It was awful...” you say, through shaky breaths.

“Really, I thought it was a great show…” he says with a smirk.

“Why did you do it Jake? Why did you add that? Just to hurt me? To dig at me some more, like every day isn’t a living fucking nightmare?” you beg.

“Why?” he asks rhetorically, “Because I felt like it. Thought someone might actually appreciate a love song for what it means.”

“You wouldn’t even look at me!” you cry.

“I know. It wasn’t for you. It probably never will be again.” he snaps.

“Jake… the kiss? You… I know you feel it when we kiss! It may be an act, but I know you still feel it! I can feel it in your kiss and your touch…Your words may say one thing but your body is telling me another...” you plead.

“Didn’t feel shit, actually.” he replies, “Like I’ve said about ten times now, I’m doing all of this as a convenience to myself of not having to explain what happened, and to you, not having to embarrass yourself in front of everyone. It means nothing.” 

JAKE POV

“Jake, how fucking long are we going to keep doing this? How long are you going to keep treating me like this?” She asked. 

“Damn it, it’s either we keep up this charade, or you leave and find another job. Go back home. Take your pick, Y/N.” You responded, spitting the words a bit more harshly than you intended, but knowing they would have the desired effect. 

She sat up hard on the bed. “I just want it all to go away. I want us all to come clean and talk about this. The tension is so thick, all the time…there’s no way people haven’t noticed yet, Jake. We can only keep this up for so long…” she said quietly. 

“Then let’s go! Let’s go to Sam and Elle’s room! Let’s go sit them down and talk about it. Right now. You can tell Elle that you fucked her man while she was throwing up the other night. Sound good? I’ll text him right now…” you said, grabbing your phone. 

“NO, Jake. Not right now. You’ve all been drinking, now is not the time. This conversation needs to happen, when we have some time and some space. And I think…” 

“You think what, Y/N?” You said. 

“I think it needs to come from Sam. I will take half the blame when he tells her, too, but… He needs to bite that bullet, not me.” She said sternly. 

It didn’t make much sense in your head, but you could see where it would mean a lot more coming from him than it would Y/N. Sam needed to man up. 

“I guess. But this charade is fucking killing me, too, Y/N. Do you think I like holding your hand and sitting by you and kissing you in public right now? Pretending everything is okay? After knowing what you did? And Sam seeing us be that way, when he thinks I’m still oblivious? Damn good thing I picked up on Josh’s acting techniques in middle school.” You said. “Makes me feel like a fucking idiot when all I want to is throw Sam through a damn wall and tell him I know what he did. What you did.”  You shook your head. 

“Jake, please. If you’d just listen to me when I tell you I love you so m-”

“Stop, Y/N! Stop saying you love me! It makes everything so much worse! Please just stop saying it when I know it’s not true…” it was starting to grind on you hearing those words that used to be sacred, coming from her mouth. “I don’t want to hear it anymore, okay? Just stop.”

She sat silently for a few beats. “You used to look at me like I was the only thing you saw in the room. Now it’s like… I’m a piece of trash you don’t want to bother even picking up.”

“That’s about as close as you could get, Y/N.”

Fuck. Ouch. 

Here came the tears. “So now I’m trash to you, huh? Good. Great.”

No, you’re not trash. You’re all I ever wanted in the world, tainted by a really fucked up and irreversible decision. 

“Here we go with the crying again, shit.” You complained. You turned on the bed, pulling the covers down to place yourself inside, the headache bounding back like a hammer to the skull, and the itch in your throat gnawing at you,  “Just remember, I had nothing to do with your shit decision, Y/N. It’s all on you.” 

“You know what? No. I’m never going to stop telling you I love you. Because I do. I do and I always will. I love you and I miss you and I will never ever stop. I just…miss you Jake. I miss every single thing about you.” she cries.

“What do you mean. I can’t get like, two seconds away from you.” you quip.

“I miss you!… the things about you that only I know…” she pauses, catching her breath. 

“I miss…seeing your eyes change colors when the light hits them, turning them perfectly amber in the sun…how you sing along to albums when you’re cooking, I can always tell which song was your favorite on the album…I miss watching you drive us around with just your one hand on the steering wheel…I can never look away…I miss how your fingers tapped on me while you kissed me, but only when you had other intentions. ” she pauses. You feel your heart drop into your stomach.

“I miss hearing your voice go up an octave when you talk about guitar or your music, because you are just so passionate about it…I miss seeing how bright your smile is when you’re around babies, you smile with all of your teeth….I miss thinking about you and how you’ve gotten so much better at listening to Josh and Sam figure things out instead of speaking over them…you learned patience and it’s admirable…I miss watching you flip all of your hair over before you put it in a bun, and letting me run my fingers through it when you take it down….I miss sitting on the couch with you and watching your fingers subconsciously play the notes to the songs running through your mind…” she continues.

You feel your eyes well with tears and your throat start to burn. Are these really all things she loves? She notices these things?

“But the thing that I miss the most is the way your voice sounds when you tell me you love me. I know I’ll never hear it again, but… I will always remember the way it sounded.”

A tear rolled down your cheek, and you swiped it away quickly, not wanting her to see that she broke you. You did love her, but she was right, you weren’t sure if you would ever say it again.

She stayed quiet while she fought her own tears again, you could tell she was trying her best to dry them up. 

“You don’t have to push me away anymore, Jake. I get it. I’ll go along with the games. But I just want you to know I’m always going to tell you I love you, because I do. And whether or not you feel it in return is up to you.” She said, rolling to her side and pulling the blankets over her shoulders. 

You took a deep breath, letting her words sink in. It hurt. It really did hurt.

“Goodnight…” you heard her breathe. 

“Night.” You answered as short as you could manage. 

You laid there staring at the ceiling for a while, letting your mind replay all the instances she mentioned, the lump in your throat forming quickly. Stay strong Jake. Turning over to your side to let your eyes close you sighed into the pillow as you let your body relax. 

Your phone buzzed on the table, and you reached your hand behind you to pull it off the charger. Who the fuck. You squinted with one eye, the brightness of the screen making your head hurt worse. 

Elle

12:59am: Hey, Jake. Sorry to bother you so late. I know things have been a little weird since Vegas, and I just wanted to apologize to you if I stepped over any boundaries with you that night. I had had way too much to drink, and barely remember the details of anything that happened. Hope all is well.🤍

Whoa, what the fuck? Boundaries? 

You

1:02am: Thanks Elle, but what do you mean exactly? 

Elle 

1:04am: I had a really good time that night, and I hope you guys did too. But I hope you don’t take my actions as the kind of person I really am. And I hope I didn’t do anything to make you or Y/N uncomfortable. 

You

1:06am: Elle, don’t take this the wrong way, but I had too much to drink that night, too. I hardly remember much until I started searching for Josh and Daniel and I sobered up a bit…

Elle

1:09am: Well, I know you and I got pretty…close...if you know what I mean. I know things were getting hot and heavy, and I may have come on too strong, but we were both into it, I guess? And Sam and Y/N were also in their own little world. 

Fuck…hot and heavy… 

The thoughts of that night were buried deep, they were blurry anyway, and you’d be lying if you said you really had brought them up to yourself at all. You kept them buried… You remembered Elle straddled across you at one point, your hands exploring her body in every way except those ways…kissing, talking…wanting her…

You sighed, typing the text out as your stomach fell, and your palms got sweaty. 

You

1:11am: You didn’t come on too strong. Please don’t blame yourself. I remember feeling pretty into it, too. Did we…almost…did we talk about taking it further?

You hesitated hitting send, but you were already in this far…

Elle

1:14am: Yeah, we did. We talked about it. Do you not remember what you said? 

Suddenly, the memories started to clear their way back into your head…

‘Jake. You don’t have to lie…I can tell you’re into her, too…shit, look at her…I would be. I can see whatever is happening between you two…I’m not mad baby…’

Oh god…

‘Fine. Yeah I want to fuck her. I want to fuck her, badly. But you know you’re my girl.’

Oh no…were these thoughts real…no…

Elle

1:16am: Well, without going into too much detail, you basically said you wanted to sleep with me... and we were going to kind of…feel out Y/N and Sam and see what their thoughts were…

‘What if we….what about a free pass, babe… If that’s what you want…go for it. I trust you, I trust Elle.’

Fuck fuck fuck…you felt your heart begin to race at the realization…

‘Asking Sam, that’s another story, but. I promise you, it’s not something that would make me mad, look at us. Look what we’re doing right now…’

The memory was fuzzy still, but you remembered whispering to Elle while feeling her pressed up against you, chest to chest… ‘One way or another…’

No, no fucking way…you’d told Elle that you wanted to sleep with her. You remembered now, plain as day. You’d planned on it, and she was all for it. You slammed your phone down on the bed, the headache rushing back as the blood drained from your body. You rolled to your back, your hands covering your face as you listened to Y/N’s light breathing as she slept. 

You felt awful, absolutely devastatingly horrible. You’d treated Y/N like she was nothing, talked down to her worse than you ever should have. She wasn’t completely innocent in this situation, but now you knew, neither were you. Though you didn’t act on it, you had intentions to. And you’d talked to Y/N about it. If you hadn't gotten that phone call, what would have happened? Your conversation was cut off short, you were both unable to finish it. 

Fuck. Fuck fuck. 

You looked over to her, her face peaceful as she breathed, her hair all over the place. You grabbed your phone, texting Elle back. She still didn’t know about Y/N and Sam. 

1:19am

You: Damn it. Was that the extent of it? 

1:22am

Elle: Yeah, that was it. Then you got the phone call, you left and the three of us kept messing around a bit, but nothing more than what was already happening. Then I got sick and passed out. 

Then they went to the stairwell, apparently. 

1:25am

You: Ah, I see. I’m so sorry, Elle. I hope you didn’t think that I had come on too strong, either. But thank you for reminding me, I honestly had little to no memory of anything until you jogged it. I’m sure one day we’ll all sit down and talk about this together. 

You wanted to tell her that she was gorgeous and great, and yes, you were very attracted to her that night. Still were, honestly. Lots of ends were left untied that night, lots of questions unanswered.  That night in Vegas was one for the books, showing you a world you never thought you’d find yourself a part of. But unbeknownst to Elle, a fun night of debauchery had turned into something a lot more sinister. A lot more heartbreaking. But for now, you’d help keep her in the dark until Sam decided he would tell her. 

1:28am

You: Thanks for a really fun night, though. I enjoyed myself :) 

1:29am

Elle: Absolutely. Me too :)

You plugged your phone back into the charger, rolling back to physically punch yourself in the forehead for your bad decision, for how you’d been treating Y/N, and for how damn bad your headache was. You were almost just as guilty. You’d basically emotionally cheated. And if you were being honest, even if Y/N and Sam had played it off that they didn’t want it to happen, would you have listened? You shook the intrusive thoughts away again, truly questioning yourself. You couldn’t answer. 

The only thing you knew for sure right now was that you were sorry. You were so full of remorse for being this way toward Y/N, telling her to stop telling you she loved you only moments before you learned that you were most likely willingly going to take things further with Elle. There were still conversations to be had. Things to work through, and you knew you were valid in your feelings of being mad about what she and Sam did. This was going to take time and effort, and you still had much to ponder on. You were still very upset. 

A double-edged sword. Both sides slicing away at you. Digging into your heart. 

You removed yourself from under the blankets, and slowly walked over to Y/N’s bed, feeling like all you wanted to do was hold her close. You lifted the blankets and slid in behind her, wrapping your arms around her just like you had in your sleep the other night, except this time, you knew exactly what you were doing. 

In her sleep, she pushed back into you, her body fitting perfectly into yours as you cuddled her, finding her hand again, and interlacing your fingers with hers. She stirred a little as she moved to you, positioning herself in her perfect little spoon spot. You breathed in the smell of her hair, floral and fruity and perfect, and you let yourself relax. When she didn’t stir again, you knew she was back into deep sleep. Lying your face snug in the crook of her neck, you began to drift off. 

Once you knew it was safe and that she would never know, a whisper barely above a breath escaped you as you dug your face deeper into her hair. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you too. ‘Til the day I die.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

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Vigilance: The Outtakes - Rekindled

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