#its causing a post that initially got 30 notes in its first hour

[mariaiscrafting]

I'm sorry but all my brain can focus on right now is Red, Ant's boyfriend, jokingly tweeting "fuck gay people," and Crumb deadass thinking he was homophobic and drawing a little Crumb with a gay pride flag in retaliation 😫

#i love her sm ahdhfkdlg #lol ant and red cleared it up with her but thats still so fucking funny #antfrost #crumb #cup toast #cuptoast #velvetiscake #velvet #mcyt #twitter #.txt #if you were wondering what the power of wooteena is #its causing a post that initially got 30 notes in its first hour #blow up to over 400 in under 2 #anyways #bangers #100+ #500+ #1k+ #2k+

[givemethatgold]

Fix’er Upper -Pt 14

Paring: Frankie Morales x Fem!Reader Warnings: just a bunch of fluffy family fluff, some dude being a nosy creep, overbearing mothers Length: 1.1 k Notes: This one is slow, babes. Just needed to build a bit of this new world, introduce Annie a bit and show you how things are progressing. It’ll pick up again soon I promise, bear with me! (Or don’t, I mean I can’t force you to like where this is going, lolz) Also, just typed this up tonight while raging at the laziness of men, so there are going to be mistakes, I can’t be fucked to find them. Trying to post this with NO links, as I’ve heard that may be the reason for the tagging issues? LET ME KNOW IF YOU GET THE NOTIFICATION THIS TIME!

Turns out, two people with zero child-caring experience are not going to have an easy time suddenly becoming parents. There wasn't any one particular thing that you could pinpoint the difficulty one, either, it was just a complete one-eighty on how you had previously lived your lives.

Frankie immediately stopped working such late hours, effectively putting a bookmark in the cider's expansion. He didn't even have to think twice about it, it was a no-brainer to him. Didn't make the loss of potential income an easy pill to swallow, though. Date nights were officially off the schedule, so were sleepovers and all the fun things that accompanied them. There had been a few heated moments between the two of you, but Frankie felt weird about having sex anywhere near his daughter and you refused to let him fuck you in the barn. Again. Especially after the last two times resulted in unfortunate splinter placement. 

Annie took less time to adjust than the two of you did, she really was an amazing little girl. She loved her little nook in the loft, although the décor was not to her taste and she wouldn't stop dropping hints about it until you took her to pick out new everything. Frankie had tried to put his foot down by explaining she wasn't going to get everything she wanted in life, but all it took were widening eyes and a protruding bottom lip before he was handing you the truck keys before you could blink.

Annie's attachment to you had surprised everybody, including her. The conversations you and Frankie had had before her arrival usually skirted around the conversation of what your role would be. You knew she was mourning her mother and were wary of trying to replace her, so you had fully expected to take a step back from Frankie's life while he and Annie built their new one together. You had her at apple farm, however, and now the two of you were best buds.

Well, until the six-going-on-sixteen attitude reared its ugly head and suddenly sweet, angelic Annie was replaced by a stubborn, moody, unwilling child who decided that screaming was the best response to negotiations.

For the first couple of months, Frankie had allowed it, not knowing what was normal acting-out behaviour for a kid who had experienced parental loss. He also had a hard time being strict, as he still felt like it wasn't his place; some weird kind of imposter syndrome. However, after Jacquie and Mark had been witness to one such episode, they had gently pulled Frankie aside and encouraged him to find a therapist for Annie and that structure and rules would be beneficial for her.

New routines were set, some of which you were involved in and others were special between Frankie and his daughter. Saturday was movie night, she was asleep by 7:30 so it was more of a movie evening, with popcorn, Twizzlers, and coke floats. You were invited to these, as Annie insisted on educating both adults on which Disney princess was best.

Frankie drove Annie to school every day, he knew he could easily send her on the bus but he needed that extra assurance that she had gotten to school safely. There had been an odd incident, which no other adults seem to have witnessed, where a man had apparently approached Annie and started asking her questions about her parents. 

This had, understandably, upset the girl, and the two of you, but the busy body's identity was never revealed. Frankie had been irate. Initially, he interrogated Annie, asking her for every little detail. Then the bus driver, parking lot attendant, teachers, and other kids were subject to his questioning. He went so far as to request all security video footage from around town, but nothing showed up. Neither of you suspected Annie of lying but it was like the man was a ghost. 

Eventually, it was chalked up to a parent wanting to get the scoop on your and Frankie's lives, as you'd been very private considering your first action as a couple was to practically dry hump on a carnival ride. After that incident causing Frankie's panic attack, and now creeping out a kid, you were a lot less inclined to appreciate the meddling from bored townsfolk even if it did bring the two of you together.

Frankie was always thinking up new ideas to build trust and create new memories for Annie, his guilt at missing out on her toddler years was exasperated by having her now. They created a memory book for her, so she could write down, colour, or paste anything that reminded her of her mom or her life in California. You were secretly building a memory book for the two of them, to show Annie when she was older how hard her dad had worked to become the man she needed him to be.

Twice a week Annie got to pick the recipe and they made dinner together. This usually resulted in a massive mess and only semi-edible food, but the smiles on their faces were worth it.

On Wednesdays, you picked her up and had a girl's afternoon getting something from the bakery and perusing books at the library, making up stories about the people walking by the café windows, or driving over to Jacquie's so Annie could play with her kids.

It was after one such outing when you were dropping Annie off at the farm, that Frankie came out to greet you with a guilty look on his face.

"I'm sorry," he began, rubbing the back of his neck and readjusting his baseball cap. "I didn't look at the caller display before picking up, and then once I was on the phone I got nervous."

"Frankie," you said lowly, dread filling your stomach. "What did you do?"

"I couldn't help it, I panic talked and I don't even know how much I blurted out! She's like Oprah or Barbara Walters! She just knows how to get people talking!"

"I know, Frankie," you ground out, trying not to lose your shit in front of a very interested little girl who has no filter during Sharing Time at school. "That's why we don't answer her calls!"

"But, babe, she's your mom. We can't keep ignoring her-"

"Apparently not!" You didn't realize how frustrated you were before it was too late. Your voice had gone shrill and loud and, judging by the look at Annie's face, angry. Taking a deep, calming breath in you tried smiling at the two of them without it making you look demented, "I need to call her and do some damage control, make sure she doesn't do something rash like-"

"Ahhh..." Frankie was back to looking guilty and you could have sworn your heart stopped. "She knows about Annie. Called herself Grandma. Said that Mother's Day would be extra special this year..?"

"FUuuuuuudge.." you barely managed to withhold the swear, looking at Frankie with a slightly panicked yet amused look on your face.

"It's okay," a little voice piped up, "I know that word. Mom said ‘Fuck’ all the time while we were stuck in traffic."

Part Fifteen - coming soon!

TAGS: Let’s see if these bitches work...

@rebelliouscat @pedro4ever @speakerforthedead0 @yespolkadotkitty @ilikechocolatemilkh @weirdowithnobeardo @pedro-pastel @disgruntledspacedad @a-skov @trash-dino-5000 @reader-s-cantina @alberta-sunrise @pascal-rascal424 @bts17army @sarahjkl82-blog @grogusmum @radiowallet @vonschweetz @greeneyedblondie44 @diaryofkali @cassandras-nest @silverstarsandsuns @haapeaness @missstef23 @computeringturtle @julesorwhatever @keeper0fthestars @lackofhonor @metahigh @thirstworldproblemss @sergeantbannerbarnes @callsigncatfish @inaturenymph @agingerindenial @pedritobalmando @lord-of-restingbiface @marydjarin @sebbys-girl @apascalrascal @thisshipwillsail316 @bison-writes @absurdthirst @ubri812 @marydjarin @inaturenymph @hyperfixatingmenever @louderrthanthunderr @petersunderoos96 @dobbyjen @tobealostwanderer @studyofawearymind @jaime1110 @bison-writes @rosiefridayrogersunday @leias-rebelion  @captainjaspenor @prettypedros @gracie7209 @peterhollandkait

[liighty]

Guzma babysitting Reader’s Niece

(A/N): BACK ON MY BULLSHIT AGAIN! BUT THIS TIME IT’S NOT ALL THAT SELF-INDULGENT AND MIGHT POSSIBLY BE TURNED INTO A SUPER FIC IF I FEEL LIKE IT

In all honesty i’ve thought about making another largeass super self-indulgent Guzma x Reader mega fic, but I’m not sure if I want to? I don’t know if anybody would read it, so that’s what this post is for!!! If you like this and want to see actual Guzma x Reader with plot and not just fluff drabbles lmk!! I have a bunch of asks to address so maybe i’ll get to that too soon

Anyways, back to the fic.

Mini Summary: (Y/N)’s niece needs to be babysat while (Y/N) is interviewed, so they turn to Guzma and crew to help out for a bit. Chaos ensues.

Rating/Triggers: UH drugs are mentioned but not really? THE KID DOES NOT DO DRUGS!!!! but yeah if that makes you uncomfy i’d be careful with it??\

Pairing: Guzma/Gender Neutral!Reader (I used the honorific ‘Titi’ which is gender neutral for ‘Tia’ or ‘Tio’ [extra thanks to Ocha_Bocha for helping me with that one <3] and tried to make it as gender neutral as possible. Originally this was written with a male reader, and then I went female, and ultimately attempted to eliminate gender completely. [Following the footsteps of Splatoon teehee])

Fic under cut!!!!!

"Are you sure this is a good idea, honey?" You clutch your niece's hand as you approach the large walls that separate Po Town from the rest of Ula'Ula Island. It's not that you don't trust the man who you're leaving her with- in fact, those two have been acquainted previously and seem to get along fairly well- It's his friends who you're concerned about.

"..." Her silence is expected, as the kid isn't all that talkative. Recognizing the young girl's silence, you frown. 

"You can stay in the office lounge if you really want to. I know you aren't the biggest fan of crowds, and um- Guz has some pretty loud friends-" Your explanation of what to be expected is quickly interrupted by a blue haired young man decked in black and white clothing. "Yo yo, what's with the kid?!" 

You arch a brow. You knew that Guzma worked with kids, but this guy couldn't be any older than 15! "I could say the same for you. I'm here to talk to Guzma-"

"Ya mean the boss? Why would some random chick want anything ta do with the leader of the Team Skull, huh?!"

A pink haired girl dressed in the same outfit walks up to the boy, crossing her arms. "Shut it, ya clod. Don't you remember the conversation we had with Boss yesterday?"

Hearing this, the blue haired boy's eyes light up in an epiphany. "Ohhhhh shit- Right-"

"Watch yer fuckin' language around the kiddo." She lightly smacks the back of Dansei's head. "She's in good hands, ma'am."

Another pink haired woman, this one being someone you finally recognize, walks in and smacks both of the delinquents in the head once more. "You say that after cussing, Reese?" 

Thank God. Plumeria. "Hey Plumes-" You smile weakly, waving politely with your free hand. Your niece does the same. Another young man, this one much shorter than the first and with green curly hair scrambles after Plumeria, jumping up and down to be seen. "Sorry about these numskulls. I'll lead y'all to the big boss man, yo. No worries at all, so you can chillax!"

I'm regretting this more and more by the second.

The crew starts whistling some hip hop tune as they make their way to the Shady House, the smaller boy beatboxing. You've taken this time to offer a piggyback ride to your niece, who's politely declined. Are all kids like this? Or is it just her?

Once they approach the boss, Guzma immediately jumps out of his chair, his signature shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "Eyyyyyy! (Y/N)!!! Kiddo!! What's up, homeslice?!" He hops down the stairs and crouches so he can get at eye-level with the young girl, offering his fist for a pound-it.

She bumps her fist against his, smiling just a bit. It's more of a reaction than you expected, at least. "S-sup, Uncle Guzma-" 

Looks like his slang is rubbing off on her. That's cute.

"Thanks for droppin' by, Doll. No need to worry about Little Miss Troublemaker over here, I got it all under control." He picks up your niece and walks over to you, pressing a looooooooongass smooch on your cheek. The other Team Skull members all make mini comments, like "Ewwww-", "Grosss-", and "Cooties-", causing Plumeria to once again smack their heads together. 

You roll your eyes, unable to stop the smirk on your face from growing any further. "Not in front of the kids, Guz." "Ah, right, right- My bad." His shades slide onto his face, hiding the bright red blush that had crept onto his cheeks. "Well, you should probably get goin', ey? The Aether Foundation's one lucky company to have you interviewin' for a position."

"Dork." You boop his nose, then your niece's. "Call me if you need me, okay honey? I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Okay, Titi (Y/N)-" You smile at the nickname while the others snicker. 'Titi' sounds an awful lot like 'Tittie', and considering three of the 7 people in the room are immature teenagers, there's definitely some laughing going on in the background. Plumeria looks very tired. How does she deal with these kids all the time?

"Alright, I'll be back. Don't light anything on fire, okay?" You yell as you walk off, feeling a slight hint of unease at the idea of leaving your young niece with so many delinquents, even if it's just for a few hours. It'll be fine, though. Guzma's there to keep them from doing anything stupid.

You laugh at the thought. Who am I kidding? He's probably gonna be the one who explodes something first.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The interview itself wasn't all that bad. You're fairly certain that you either aced it or put yourself up for consideration, which in itself helped your confidence just a bit. With the absence of Lusamine and the arrest of several of her chairmen, the foundation was very antsy and in need of someone who could handle the Pokemon Observation department. With your background in medicine and PR, you were rationally on the list of potential replacements, and despite your initial resistance, learning that the company would be run by somebody that WASN'T the manipulative little bitch Lusamine gave you enough comfort to accept the offer for the interview. Was it just an offer or an invitation? You weren't quite sure, but Wick was very insistent on you showing up.

Either way, you're pretty certain you got the job. Good on you. 

You can't help but wonder how your niece is doing, surrounded by so many troublemakers. As you make your way to the entrance of the Shady House, you can hear loud music, causing you to feel a small tint of anxiety. She'll be fine.

You walk up to the door and creak it open, the smell of burnt… whatever the fuck that is flooding your nostrils. Of course. They lit something on fire.

"Guz??" You call out to the empty room. "Plumes? Anybody home?" As expected, there's no response. You start to feel more and more anxious the more ground you start to cover. Where are they? Peeking your head around the corridor, your anxiety comes to its peak when-

"And that's why you should never do drugs, aight?"

H-Huh?

Your niece sits on Guzma's knee as he bounces it up and down, his signature shit-eating grin plastered on his face like usual. Awfully burnt cookies sit on the table, explaining the smell from earlier, and Plumeria seems to be asleep with the other team skull grunts. Are they… napping? Seems like it. 

She nods enthusiastically, taking a bite of a charred cookie and grimacing shortly after, causing the two to both laugh in unison.

"Doesn't matter if it's just for recreational purposes, you could still get hooked, and that's the last thing we want!" Grinning once again, Guzma pokes her forehead.

Hypocrite. You're reminded of the first time you two had kissed, which happened to be shortly after you both had blazed a couple of joints. It's enough to get you laughing, though.

"Huh?! What're you doing here so early? Don't tell me ya flunked THAT bad!" Guzma's eyes widen, a genuine look of bewilderment painted on his face.

"I did not flunk! I think I did great!" You huff, crossing your arms defiantly. "It's suuuuuuuper comforting that you thought I failed, Guz."

"Nononono I was joking!! Right, kiddo??" Your niece quickly nods. "See???? No harm, no foul!"

Arching a brow, you walk up to the two and pick up the young girl. "Mhmmm. Did you have fun, honey?"

She nods again, unable to contain the grin on her face. "Uncle Guzma told me about his Pokemon training! And I got to ride on Golisopod's back!" 

The large bug type pokemon bops up and down upon hearing its name, prompting a smirk from Guzma. "Yeah, I told ya I'd take care of her. She's welcome back anytime, okay?"

"Thanks, Guz." You peck his cheek, and your niece sticks her tongue out, closing her eyes. 

"Icky cooties!!" Where the hell did she hear that? The only people you can think of who'd say such a thing are in the other room snoozing, so- Yeah, actually, you know exactly who taught her that word.

"Well, I'm gonna getchu with my cooties! And my tickles!" You raise a hand menacingly, wiggling your fingers with one eye closed. She immediately curls up, not out of fear, but out of excitement. It's nice to see her so happy again.

After a very long tickle session, you quickly glance at the large grandfather clock, noting the short hand of the clock slowly approaching the number 8. Shit. "We gotta go, kiddo. Your dad isn't gonna be all that happy if we get home any later than 8:30. Besides, it's past your bedtime."

"I bet Uncle Guzma stays up past his bedtime-" She yawns. "Can we stay for a little longer?"

How can I say no to that face? You find yourself incredibly conflicted. Do you tell her you have to leave anyways? Or do you stay and risk getting in trouble by your brother-in-law?

"Eh, as much as I'd love to have you over for longer, kiddo- Look at your Titi (Y/N). They look exhausted."

You smile gratefully at the comment, glad that it doesn't have to be you to tell your niece to go home. "Yeah, I'm beat. We can hang out some other time, okay? I promise." You pat her head and get ready to leave.

"Aww… okay. Bye, Uncle Guzma!! Bye Golisopod!" She holds your hand, and the two of you eventually walk your way back to the car. As you drive away, one thing lingers in your head. You can't think of anything else, in all honesty.

Guzma's great with kids. I should've expected as much, but… I'm glad he gets along with my family.

Your stomach rumbles at the intersection. I'd kill for some malasadas right about now- 

Okay, maybe you CAN think of something else.

#Skull Boss Guzma #team skull guzma #guzma #guzma x reader #pokemon guzma #team skull #pokemon #pokemon x reader #My writing #i return #hyperfixation #simp hours

[headinthestaticsky]

I posted 135 times in 2021

100 posts created (74%)

35 posts reblogged (26%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.3 posts.

I added 641 tags in 2021

#twilight saga - 67 posts

#twilight - 66 posts

#jasper hale x oc - 65 posts

#jasper hale x reader - 65 posts

#jasper hale - 65 posts

#esme cullen - 65 posts

#carlisle cullen - 65 posts

#edward cullen - 64 posts

#alice cullen - 63 posts

#rosalie hale - 56 posts

Longest Tag: 25 characters

#rebecca chambers x reader

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

All My Masterlists for Jasper Hale X My OC Fleur Swan.

The Dusk Calls for Me: Beginning of the Series.

Sanctuary With the Enthralling Moon: Story Two

Frozen Within the Night Wind: Story Three

The Phenomenon of the Immortal Sun: Story Four

The Fire of the Innocent Sun: FINAL STORY!

66 notes • Posted 2021-08-13 23:33:59 GMT

#4

Can someone tell my brain to stop? It won't listen to me.

68 notes • Posted 2021-09-19 21:02:37 GMT

#3

The Dusk Comes for me: Jasper Hale x My OC, Fleur Swan. Chapter 1

Summary: Twins Fleur and Bella always had a strained relationship with the girls deciding to live separately from each other. Fleur going with her father in cool, misty Forks, Washington. While Bella went with her mother to the sizzling heat of Arizona. Renee never tried to hide her favoritism between the two girls. Because of this, it has caused its strain to worsen. Fleur's final straw with her relationship with her sister was when Bella stopped visiting her father in 2002. It's now 2004 and Bella has decided to move back to Forks throwing her and the family she's surrounded herself in for a loop.

Authors Notes: None of the characters in Twilight belong to me. All rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

 Jasper's backstory will be slightly altered  

My OC will have the looks of Singer Banks.

PHOTO/PHOTOS DO NOT BELONG TO ME

Warnings throughout the story: Cussing, violence, Bella-Bashing, sensual scenes.

"Yesterday made me a fool today." Hawaiian Mazes by Banks.

"Fleur, do you want to come with me to pick up your sister?" I heard my father ask.

I was facing away from him, sitting on my bay window. The cool, crisp air hitting my face.

"No dad, I'm fine. You go on ahead and get her." I replied.

"Look, I know you two have never had the best relationship but, you got to give her a chance. She's still your sister at the end of the day."

I sighed

"I know I do dad but, I need to do it on my own time. This grudge isn't just about her and I. The way she treated you is just as wrong as the way she treated me." I explained.

"Hey, I won't pressure you into doing anything you don't want to. But, maybe with you being there though it might make the 1-hour drive back less awkward." Dad added.

"Okay, I'll go. Being in a silent 1-hour car ride just sounds awful."

"Thanks, Fleur, I really appreciate it."

"Let me get dressed real quick and then we can go."

"Okay, I'll go warm up the car."

My father soon turned around exiting my room/attic. I sighed again not looking forward to seeing my sister. But, the sooner we get her, the sooner and I can get the initial dread of seeing her again over with. I threw on a tight olive green sweater and black jeans with black ankle boots. I grabbed my iPod just in case she started in on anything. I didn't want to snap at her, not on the first week she comes to town. Well, I at least didn't want to snap at her in front of dad. I walked toward the door before turning my head to look at my room. It was tempting to stay in here it's warm glow of lights and cush pillows were calling me.

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80 notes • Posted 2021-07-30 03:32:10 GMT

#2

Masterlist: The Dusk Calls for me

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6: 

Chapter 7: 

Chapter 8: 

Chapter 9: 

Chapter 10: 

Chapter 11: 

Chapter 12: 

Chapter 13: 

Chapter 14: 

FINAL CHAPTER: Up now!

91 notes • Posted 2021-07-31 20:57:45 GMT

#1

When the Vampire Hunter Fell for Golden Eyes

Author's Note: Thank you to whoever this lovely Anonymous person is for making this request! I love the idea so I hope I do it justice!

To whoever this is if you would like me to do a part 2 please let me know.

I wrote this with a female reader so if you would like me to write one for gender-neutral and or a boy let me know! I kinda switched the storyline up a bit. :)

‘I've been feeling foolish, you should try it

She came and substituted the peace and quiet for

Acrobatic blood, flow concertina

Cheating heartbeat, rapid-fire.”

She’s Thunderstorms by, Arctic Monkeys

Takes place in 2004

If someone had told my brother and I that we would’ve ended up here, in Forks, Washington, I would’ve thought you were high. If you told me the reason why we’re here I would’ve thought you were completely insane. Yet, here we were my brother, a vampire, and me… the one who hunts the very being he is. He got bit out of nowhere after we had cleared out a horde of them. I couldn’t do anything for him, he merely withered in pain on the ground as I looked down at him. It took him 3 days to wake up, his blood-red eyes shot open and fixed themselves upon me. He stumbled toward me and gripped my shoulders.

“Listen to me Y/N! You have to promise me something.” His voice sounded hoarse and crackled as he hadn’t had a drink of water in days.

“What is it, B/N?” I had never felt so nervous talking to my own brother before. He was something unpredictable now, something I hunted down and killed… I didn’t want to have to do it to him too.

“We both know that vampires can drink animal blood… So promise me this. If I EVER drink an ounce of human blood, kill me.”

“B/N I couldn’t…”

“Promise me!”

“Fine…”

2 months had passed since that incident and we were now residing in Forks… we found a small cottage in the woods and had been hiding out there. It was perfect really, B/N’s food was accessible for us and it seems as though we were camouflaged to the rest of the world. Today felt strange, it was as though something was going to come our way. Yet, we couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was… Was it trouble or an enemy? I couldn’t stand the atmosphere in our small home, B/N’s black eyes bored holes through my body, his fist was clenched and white. He was hungry, and I didn’t know how much longer he would hold out for. I sighed and stood up slamming my book on the table. I marched over to him and shot daggers at him.

“B/N, woods, food, now!” I demanded, not relenting in my glare.

“Y/N we can’t… we both have the same feeling… something out there is waiting for us!”

“B/N… you look like you’re going to cover me in A1 sauce and throw me on the grill… we’re going!”

My brother rolled his pitch-black eyes and sighed.

“Y/N…”

“NOW!”

B/N finally got up and stomped toward the door, mumbling along the way.

“You think me becoming a vampire would finally put me in charge of things but nooo… she’s still as bossy as ever.”

I laughed before calling out to him.

“You bet your ass I am!” I grabbed my jacket and weapon, just in case, I would run into any trouble. When I ran outside B/N stood there waiting for me, his arms were crossed over his chest.

“Well, c’mon string bean grab on already… unless you think you can run as fast as me.”

“Shut it.” I grabbed onto his neck and he began to run… he was eager to finally get something to eat.

See the full post

95 notes • Posted 2021-10-30 23:57:06 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

hello hello hello!  and welcome to Season 12 of Supernatural. 

I admit that initially I STRUGGLED WITH SEASON 12.  I LOATHED the British Men of Letters (other than Lady Antonia Bevell; her hot working mom energy can get it); I have...mixed feelings about Mary; overall it was not a stellar season for me the first go-round.  HOWEVER I shall now give it a second chance,  and look for the subtext within the bad (and if my theory tracks, there will be much subtext as...there is much bad).  Maybe I’ll even develop Ketch appreciation.  **ONWARDS ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH, MY FRIENDS:

When we last left Dean, I neglected to mention that Amara brought his mom back (this is how much I repressed Mary Winchester I guess?)  We cut to Mary, confused, in a nightgown (I get this is part of the character and that’s why she is wearing it sO wE kNOw iTS rEAlLy MaRY WinCHEstEr because of her nightgown and not Sam Smith’s exquisite face, but honestly WHY - LIKE DID SHE WEAR THE DAMN THING IN HEAVEN THE ENTIRE TIME TOO?).

DEAN [breathing heavily] 

Mom. Listen to me. Your name – your name is Mary Sandra Campbell, okay? You were born December 5, 1954, to Samuel and Deanna Campbell. Your father, he bounced around a lot for, uh, work, and you bounced right along with him, and you ended up in Lawrence, Kansas.

MARY 

How do you know all that?

DEAN 

Dad told me. March 23, 1972, you walked out of a movie theater – Slaughterhouse-Five. You loved it, and you bumped into a big Marine and you knocked him flat on his ass. You were embarrassed, and he laughed it off, said you could make it up to him with a cup of coffee. So, you went to, uh, Mulroney's and you talked and he was cute and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song, so when he asked you for your number, you gave it to him, even though you knew your dad would be pissed. That was the night that – that you met –

MARY 

John Winchester.

DEAN 

August 19, 1975, you were married... in Reno. Your idea. A few years later, I came along, then Sammy.

***DEAN DESCRIBING EVERY DAMN DETAIL OF THIS HAS MURDERED ME.  Also, I know John Winchester “told him the story,” but something about this retelling - these are NOT John Winchester’s words (other than maybe “big Marine”).  The emotions, the feelings, the “you talked and he was cute” Dean is describing is Dean’s retelling, the version he created in his mind of this damn meet-cute, this little love story he played over and over in his head, and that makes me feel warm and tingly and also want to ingest sharp knives.  

***Everyone already knows about the damn Zeppelin reference but just in case you wanted to be tortured, please recall that later on we will get

THIS FUCKING SHIT

Nothing to see here other than Dean using a reference from this LOVE STORY on Cas.  I HATE it here in super hell.  Next rounds on you, Sam.

Anyway, Mary has caught on:

I paused here just now because I had a tHoUGHt.  This season is all about exploring Dean and Sam in their role as sons (this is discussed at the SDCC panel prior to the season; btw they are all free on Prime and I recommend watching before you start each new season for little “reveals” behind some of the plot lines).  We know Sam has no relationship to Mary really, he was a baby when she died, but Dean was a little boy - with a personality, character traits, identifying characteristics that his mother probably knew like the back of her hand.  That’s why my first run-in with Mary left a bad taste in mouth during this season - LIKE THIS IS YOUR KID, and there is NO inkling or recognition until THIS moment?  In a show that just spent an entire season exploring the “unexplained connection” between Dean and GODS SISTER, there no immediate “OH” from his own mother?!

But then I realized why she only connected at this very moment.  This particular moment - and not the moment where he lists the factual details about her before the story of the night she met John.  That little story with all those cute details - that’s the part of Dean that Mary knew before she died - when that part was ALL of Dean.  Before hunting, before John’s quest for revenge turned him into the person he is today, before he saw himself as a blunt little instrument.  That’s why initially Mary has no recognition that this is her son - because the Dean she knew was sensitive, and kind, and OPEN, and liked love stories, and laughing, and warm hugs and maybe flowers. Because if you think about it WE DONT KNOW THAT DEAN.  We only know Dean AMD. (After Mary’s Death).

*****************************************************************************************************

So maybe Mary represents Dean Before Mary’s Death, and whatever part of that Dean remains, no matter how deep he has been buried.  The part that connects with people; the part that doesn’t want to be alone.  The part that helped Amara.  The part that loves Cas.  And that’s why Amara brought her back.  

*****************************************************************************************************

Ok, if I think of it this way, I may like Mary a little better now.

BUT ALSO MY BABY:

Cut to Cas.

[THE MAN WALKS OVER TO THE EDGE OF THE CRATER MADE BY THE LANDING AND SEES CASTIEL PULLING HIMSELF OUT.]

MAN 

Holy mother.

[CASTIEL STANDS UP AND LOOKS AROUND]

CASTIEL 

Where am I?

MAN

Uh...Earth?

CASTIEL 

No. How far am I from Lebanon, Kansas?

MAN 

Uh... Th-three hours, maybe. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who – What are you, man?

[CASTIEL WALKS TOWARDS THE MAN AND TOUCHES HIM ON THE FOREHEAD. THE MAN DROPS TO THE GROUND. CASTIEL LEAVES HIM THERE AS HE DRIVES OFF IN THE TRUCK]

***I spy a Season 11 random parallel

And Cas says, “Earth - 

***Also, I often wonder if in his mind’s inner GPS, Cas bases distances on how far he is from Dean. 

In the meantime, Bad Things Are Happening to Sam.

***Toni Bevell, don’t join the British Men of Letters you’re so sexy hahah

Other than noting that this is yet another too oft- repeated Sam, the Victim, Always Gets Tortured scenario, I see no point in recapping these parts.

I will just continue to post Toni Bevell hotness for these portions of the episode. Ok?  Ok.  You’re welcome.

BACK TO THE BUNKER:

I already posted this sweet baby reunion in my final Season 11 analysis/recap, but lets see it again at another angle and from Mary’s perspective CAUSE CLEARLY she has...*thoughts*

Poor Cas had no idea he was about to MEET THE PARENT 

It melts my little heart that Dean uses Cas’s full name to introduce him to people.  Especially members of his family who are trying to kill him.

Anyway, then we get a much longed for gem of typical Cas deadpan:

(*I still miss Casifer a little bit though*)

And then we have 

A MOMENT OF CONNECTION!  

At the SDCC panel, Misha specifically noted that both Mary and Cas are outsiders, so this tracks. 

They head to the garage:

[Exhaling sharply, Mary walks towards Baby. She runs her hand lightly over the car.]

MARY This was John's car. Oh, she's still beautiful.

DEAN Hell, yeah, she is.

MARY Hi, sweetheart. Remember me?

[MARY LEANS DOWN AND LOOKS INTO THE CAR SMILING. SHE STARTS LOOKING AT THE FRONT SEAT BUT HER EYES AND HER THOUGHTS LINGER ON THE BACK SEAT. DEAN LEANS DOWN LOOKING AT THE INTERIOR OF THE CAR WITH PRIDE. DEAN LOOKS AT HIS MOM AND REALIZES SHE’S HAVING VERY SPECIFIC MEMORIES OF TIME IN THE BACK SEAT. DEAN LOOKS AROUND THE CAR, AND LOOKS AT HIS MOM.]

***this is where you truly see that Sam Smith is a genius because she took those directions and put them all into THIS:

And then THIS:

DEAN 

Oh…

[MARY LOOKS UP AT DEAN. DEAN REALIZES HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED IN THAT CAR, STANDS UP QUICKLY AND LOOKS OVER THE CAR. DEAN SWALLOWS HARD, AND GLANCES AT CASTIEL WHO GIVES HIM A QUIZZICAL LOOK.]

DEAN 

We should go.

***At this time I would like to remind everyone that Cas is also generally in the back seat of this car.  

MOVING ON

Meanwhile-

Back at the bunker, Cas is Continuing to Connect with his boyfriend’s mother:

[EXTERIOR DAY; INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS AND THE NOISE OF VIDEO GAMES ARE HEARD. THE CAMERA PANS TO MARY WHO’S WATCHING THE SCENE. CASTIEL IS PICKING UP COFFEE.]

CASTIEL 

Thank you.

[CASTIEL TAKES THE COFFEE TO MARY AND SITS DOWN.]

CASTIEL

This must be difficult for you. I remember my first moments on Earth. It was jarring.

MARY 

One word for it. I grew up with Hunters. I've heard of people coming back from the dead before. But to actually do it... after 30 years. A lot's changed.

[MARY LOOKS AROUND.]

MARY A lot.

Cas:

This is usually a look Reserved For Dean, so its interesting Cas is looking at Mary here [they also weirdly joked about Cas hitting on Mary at the SDCC panel and now I'm giggling because if Mary represents the soft part of Dean this all makes PERFECT SENSE).

BONUS

Actual footage of Sam in super hell

The Cas/Mary bonding worked BTW:

[INTERIOR: GREGORY IS SITTING IN FRONT OF HIS DESK WITH CASTIEL, DEAN, AND MARY STANDING BEFORE HIM.]

DEAN 

So, you dug the bullet out of his leg, no questions asked?

GREGORY 

She offered me 100 grand.

MARY 

And you took it?

GREGORY 

Student loans were a bitch, okay?

[ANGRILY CASTIEL STARTS TOWARDS GREGORY.]

DEAN 

Cas! Cas! Cas! Don't hurt him. Not yet.

**Disclosure: I do not accept the “Cass” spelling and take creative license to change it in the script whenever it appears**

GREGORY 

All right, look, she didn't give me her name. When we were done, the driver bailed, I got paid, and then some other chick shows up, and they all drive away.

MARY 

And that's everything you know?

GREGORY 

(insincerely) Yeah. Totally.

****Um, Mom that’s my boyfriend you don’t order him around like tha-

Oh, well, ok then.

***This is important, because Cas doesn’t obey anyone (other than Dean) blindly ever since he invented free will and all that.  Hence Dean’s surprised/impressed look to Mary above.  

Meanwhile:

I recall that I spent most of my first watch of Season 12 gushing over Toni Bevell, so I’m glad to know this won’t be changing.  You’ve been warned.

Next up, Sam is again sex tortured, Cas is a Helpful Boyfriend, and for some reason, Rick Springfield.  

#spn #spn meta #spn analysis #spn recaps #season 12x01 #season 12 #supernatural #destiel #dean cas #spn fandom #toni bevell #sorry this is long af #but not really sorry bc its mainly due to the additional pics of Toni bevell #and you need her in your life #myspnmeta

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

#silly things from silly friends

[nightowlgunner]

Her

It was like June 2020 when I started playing with Kristine. That was also the time na she got laid off so we got the chance na magkalaro sa game full time. It was also the time na, I slowly opened up to her. Because I have strong walls eh, I do not let people come in my life easily. Since Kristine looks sincere and a listener to me, I gave her the way to get in. I talk about my rants about how my day goes and my relationship status with Joan. There is something about her that makes me want to know her more. There are many things na napagkakasunduan namin that leads to laughing and feeling na magaan lang kausap. I also liked that she is interested in the Game that I am playing, We shared things from the moment she started playing pc games back then, her ex gf's, her dramas in life, her fam, her girlfriend but not too much of it. She shares her problem too, the same goes with me.

Back then, I got curious about Kristine because of the stories that I have heard from Joan about her and her ex-gf and the toxicity of her relationship with Rose.

I admit she got my sympathy. Reminded me of my past relationship and how she handled it. Later on, whenever Kristine goes back here in Manila for a vacation, she always invites us. So I have no choice but to go with Joan though I am way too shy na makihalubilo sa mga tao.

By the first time that I met Kristine she was with her ex-gf Siena. There was nothing special or any thing that I felt. I was just nervous meeting her. Idk. Because I feel like she is intimidating. It was just a stage of knowing her, but she was nice naman. That time I remember Joan blocked her on my fb friend's list because of some reasons that i am not sure of, like Jealousy. Joan is always jealous which make me feel like hindi ako katiwa tiwalang tao. Lol. Grabe lang. And since then, Kristine unblocked me.

Way back 2018, I casually message her, like saying Hi, Hello, a little update of my day, and a little sharing of how me and Joan is doing.

I remember that it was also the time that she is trying to open up about her problems with Siena and so i made a GC where me, Joan and tine are messaging so she will not think too much back in Dubai.

I think she was on the verge of breaking up with Siena?

I have work back then so our exchange of messages was not that constant.

Joan used to rant at Kristine about me and how our life have been, which I do not like. Kasi nahihiya ako na kailangan pa ilabas ang mga bagay bagay na hindi naman dapat. There are times I feel uncomfortable kapag sinasabihan din ako ni Tine about our probs. But i just shrugged it off na lang.

It was also the time that I am focus to Joan too.

'Til Pandemic came. I am so happy may kalaro na ako sa game and that is her. Most of the time we play during afternoons, we also got the chance to try voice call each other on Messenger.

Then there goes the story, we talk a lot, shared a lot and our game time is way fun because she is a good team mate.

She was a good listener. And she understands me. Not all the time she is in favor of me, there are times she helps me understand things.

But most of the time, She makes me feel valid.

August came and Joan celebrated her birthday.

September and I celebrated mine, and I received a gift from her, it was a cake. She told me in Whatsapp that it was for me only. She just made it look like it was also for Joan since she never gave her any present last month.

October came, and I decided to make a surprise for her birthday, I'm talking about Kristine here. And so I did. We call her through VC in Messenger and I greeted her in my Facebook Gaming page, and made an appreciation post for her in my IG, which she really liked.

November came and I broke my thoughts to her. It was my nephew's birthday, Ethan.

I told her through Whatsapp that I liked her. That I liked her back then because of some reasons like, She went through hell in her relationships yet she stood up, etc. and my curiosity ate me.

I told her I might not feel uncomfortable talking to her because she already knew my secret that I like her. Then Kristine said, Bakit naman?

I asked her am I not likeable? She answered me, it's not that I am not likeable, she also said that she knew that I am a good person, and she reminded me that it was wrong. I told her I have no intentions of ruining her and Kamille. I just wanted her to know that I liked her, period.

Then we played a game, shared some secrets and stuff, because I started to trust her na.

Then as days goes by, we play constant and we talk mostly.

She even shared to me the time she went to sleep over with workmates because Kamille and her had an argument. We had our first Video Call in Messenger the next day before she go to work. Send me photos that I asked her too cause I am not seeing her lately.

We still talk even at her work hours, I listen to her work rants and stuff.

Then came an issue of this gaming headset that she wants to give me without malice as claimed by Kristine. Joan did not like the gesture. So, we talked secretly and talk about it. We agreed not to pursue the headset anymore.

December came and yah, we still play. I found out she resigned at her work.

I had an issue with a basher of my page, so I have to deactivate my gaming page and make an investigation who the hell is she.

So my attention draws closer to the game itself and also Kristine. and stop streaming for a while, She decided to install the Global server instead of using Garena for months because she is running out of VPN's to use for free anymore.

I felt like we have this kind of understanding where she gets me. And she agreed. But sometimes she sends me mixed signals.

I came to a point where I became confused.

I felt the need to share this because I am having these "time bomb" like feelings that if I cannot find a way to consult it to other person i am gonna explode and became clingy at her.

So I brought my classmate back in High School named Annarie, who prefers to call herself Pacsy. We play in Garena sometimes and we chat in Messenger too. I shared her my thoughts about Kristine. And I decide to her to be like the observant of the girl I liked if she feels the same way to me.

There are times that I felt jealous whenever there is a guy flirting with her on the game and sometimes she makes me feel that she is jealous too when I do the same.

And then came February, we had an argument.

My thoughts went confused, concern at Pacsy, and at the same time jealous.

Felt bad because we made a promise to each other to be open and not keep secrets. But things fail.

I broke down and cried.

Then came Joan who confronted Kristine, and Pacsy without me knowing it because I was asleep when Joan hacked my phone. I lost all of my phone datas and apps.

And I did not like it. Joan should have talked the proper way but instead choose to hysterical all the time.

She discovered that, there is something between me and Kristine based on our exchange of chats in Messenger.

Since I'm woman enough to admit my fault, I did.

I admit that I fell to Kristine.

Joan blocked her in my Messenger first.

And next is IG.

CODM became an exception.

It was a week of pain and confusion and discoveries.

I have discovered that She admits that she felt the same way for me.

That she doesn't want to lose me too.

That I am important to her, that she thinks of me by the time we lost our communication for like a week and more.

She was the one who initiated a contact.

I knew in my heart she wants it.

Let me just have a detailed flashback:

FEB 17: That night, we played, me, Pacsy and her. Dhanush invited me. I said sorry to them. And Kristine drop this line that it will be the last time she will talk to US. So I distant myself.

FEB 18: It was like 5pm, I called Pacs and I apologized to her of what happened and I cried because of what I feel in my situation. I told her, it was so hard to tell Joan that I fell in-love with her friend.

I asked Pacs not to update Kristine about me anymore because I wanna distant too.

FEB 18: 10:30 PM Pacsy texted me that Ktine asked her a favor to tell me that Joan is attacking her on messenger. I just said, it was noted.

FEB 19: Vertigo attacked me.

FEB 26: I received an XP rewards from Kristine. Just to be clear, giving away XP rewards is customized, you are the one who will choose who to give it to. And with that gesture, I knew in my heart she wants to talk and play with me. The past days Dhanush has been chatting me whenever he is playing with her. I told Dhanush I cant because she does not want to talk to me anymore and I wanna keep my distance too.

FEB 27-28

I played in CODM that night and I message her in the app, and invited her to play. Just a duo. At first she said, "Hi joan." then I told her, "Hindi nuh, hahaha." Then we play both off mic. And I notice she is messaging me while playing and says she misses me. "imy" I asked her "Kumusta" etc. At first I did not want to answer back I miss her too, because I am doubtful that it might be Kamille who's playing, but again, I knew it was her. So I told her, I miss this duo. Then she replied ":(".

Its like we had 2 games only, I said goodbye yet she tried to invite me again for another round for a squad with Dhanush but I have to leave the app and so I did.

FEB 29

We talked in CODM Global server app. We did not play instead we just talked. She told me she created an account in deviantart.com which is a website for artists, I actually have account there for art purposes. However she cant find my account there so I suggest how about Twitter. She opened up to me that day, as I remember, she apologized to me of the things she have done like how she cracked my secret to Joan etc. She said she does not normally say sorry to anyone yet she is doing it for me that day. I asked her if, "hindi ba kapani paniwala kapag ako ang nagsabi na mahal kita?"

She answered, she feels things the same way. She understands that my IG stories was for her mostly, and I claimed it. She told me she was scared to lose communication with me, that sometimes she feels like she's using another person just to get connected at me. And I get what she is saying. She said that she felt something for me.

I am sorry but the words we shared felt like... there is something.

Days have gone by, We played again. However I am hiding it.

I made a letter for her by using a website app. I told her everything there.

We also both made a Twitter account. Obviously, we missed each other.

[uwunnie]

Update + Week 1 recap (Nov.7, 8:21 PM US Mountain Time)

Today marked the final day of the first week since this whole ordeal began. Truthfully, it feels like we somehow transported to the Dramarama video because time seemed to stop, but alas, here we are.

For the recap, I’m not going to put specific dates, but for today’s update, I will title it as such. You’ll see - this should be a pretty easy format to follow (tiki-taka),

For the sake of everyone’s timelines, the recap and update begin after this read more.

-

When news broke out regarding a Wonho’s sudden departure on October 31 (US and the like time-zones), may have been November 1 for other zones, there really weren’t that many updates in the way of efforts to bring him back. That day was full of shock, so everyone was more angry and depressed - even more so compared to now.

But after a day or two, Monbebes managed to channel their emotions into a bigger cause: Bringing Wonho home, and bringing him home we will.

Let’s recap:

Twitter Monbebes, Carter and Kei, organized the GoFundMe to raise $10,000 USD to purchase an ad in NY Times Square.

Within 45 minutes of initial service, the goal had been met.

After a couple days, the donations kept piling in and finally, as of November 3 - the GoFundMe closed at $25,102 USD ($15,102 USD over the original goal).

The ad’s payment was successful and the ad went up! However, my understanding is that the ad’s run-time ends in a few hours.

Ad’s location: New York, 42nd St. and 7th Ave., facing east.

Photos of the ad:

Reads: We shine brighter as a family, then proceeds to list each name of OT7 along with their logo and a photo of OT7 together with MONBEBE on the photo.

The board kicked off on November 6 and ran 30 times per hour for 15 seconds all day except 2-5 AM.

-

A petition calling to keep Wonho a member of Monsta X was published. Within a week, the petition is still going pretty strong with over 400k signatures. The goal is 500k, so I predict it will reach its goal within the next week.

The petition can be found here.

In addition, more projects/campaigns have been released since then and can be found in this master-post here.

Since this day, however, more projects have been revealed, so once I compile all of them, I’ll add them to the previous link.

Let’s remember:

K-MBB left sticky notes on Starship Ent.’s building. Eventually, within a few hours, a staff member was photographed collecting them.

News outlets began reporting about Monbebe efforts to bring Wonho back, thus bringing more attention to our goal.

Celebrities reached out and showed their support of Monsta X.

Monbebes began writing everyone to spread awareness - spanning as far as contacting Moon Jae-in, South Korea’s president.

Naver (shockingly) released a positive article - something that’s very rare.

Efforts are still being made to spread more awareness through physical ads in South Korea.

K-MBB’s held a silent protest outside of Starship Ent.

International fans flew to South Korea to participate.

Staff said they can and will welcome Wonho back.

Staff also helped Monbebes greatly:

Met with MBB’s on the day of the silent protest to help them cut out banners.

These plaques read, “I do not want to remain just a memory,” which are lyrics from If Only.

Supported MBB’s in the fan cafe - even went as far as changing their icons, I believe, to photos of Wonho.

Continued collecting MBB sticky notes and even provided tissues at the protests for those who were crying.

Continue encouraging us to continue with our efforts.

Other fandoms have showed their support for Monsta X and MBB.

International MBB are still organizing a silent protest from what I’ve seen circulating the web.

For Minhyuk’s birthday, MBB adopted four whales as gifts. One is a southern humpback named Monbebe, another a blue whale adopted in Minhyuk’s name. I’ve heard another one was named Monsta X, but don’t quote me on it because I’m not 100% sure.

Minhyuk’s birthday tag also reached #1 worldwide trend.

A set of stars were also purchased and named Lee Hoseok and Monsta X.

NY-MBB got a dance group to dance to Follow.

UK-MBB are hosting fundraisers in efforts to raise money for a central London billboard.

As I stated prior, all sorts of ad efforts were, and still are being, made.

Over 30 tags have consecutively trended worldwide for one week - many of them reaching -#1 trend several times.

K-MBB’s used the original fan chant during one of the performances for Follow’s promotions. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, it means that they used the OT7 chant including Wonho’s name.

300 fans were allowed into the Inkigayo recording - 100 over its normal capacity.

Tower Records, international music franchise store, showed their support in their Japan branch’s sector through MX signs and posters.

MX reminders:

Wonho is still active on the fan cafe.

Majority of the members have been active on the fan cafe.

Minhyuk posted this for his birthday:

Changkyun posted this two days ago:

Wonho is still on Starship’s official site.

This photo was posted a day or two ago:

For those that may not understand, the white ink is circling Wonho’s signature and name on the wristband. Some people claimed it doesn’t matter because those bands are pre-made, but to that I’d like to point out that those bands are made out of paper and his name is printed/signed on the end, so it would have been very easy for staff to cut off the end part if they really wanted to, or were instructed to do so.

This was circulating the web:

Speculations:

Nov. 7: Shownu wore Wonho’s shirt.

Nov. 7: Kihyun wore Wonho’s earrings.

Nov. 7: Hyungwon wore Wonho’s chain.

Nov. 7: Changkyun wore Wonho’s, or a similar, earpiece.

Nov. 7: Our boys left a space for Wonho at the end of their performance. Take a look here and see what you think.

Nov. 2: MX left a space for Wonho during Follow and Find You.

Nov. 2: Jooheon’s lyrical slip-up could have been in protest of what’s occurring.

In regards to this speculation, he did this recently again as well, so my interpretation is that it’s probably related to the protest as well as exhaustion.

Starship info and overall legal matters:

As far as my knowledge extends, this is the ONLY official statement SS has released:

The explanation/speculation of this letter can be found here.

SS is involved in their own, personal, controversy. I’ve made past posts regarding the situation, but for the sake of not stirring the pot, so-to-speak, I’m going to exclude them from this particular post. Until further information about their situation is released, or I feel it’s becoming a detriment to MX, I will bite my tongue.

In regards to 🐻’s controversy, SS confirmed the photos were manipulated (fake).

🐻’s searches have been cleared, at least from my knowledge. I’ve been told that they have been, but I’m not entirely sure if they’ve come back or anything.

I know a lot of people messaged me that particular night in regards to a YouTube video talking about 🐻’s situation and everyone was concerned it would spark up the searches again. I didn’t want to say anything until I saw the video taken down, but I messaged KJ and explained the situation to him. He had no ill intent with his video - in fact, he was trying to help clear the negative rumors revolving around MX. He was just simply unaware that, unfortunately, any publicity regarding 🐻’s situation would trigger the searches again, so I explained this to him and told him about MBB efforts. He completely understood and removed the video.

-

Updates from November 7:

MX received their 2nd win!

The video and post involving Hyungwon’s speech can be found here. HIGHLY recommend watching it.

GOT7 congratulated and hugged each member, and E-Dawn congratulated Changkyun.

Only 10 Monbebes were allowed inside for the performance, so Ahgases (GOT7’s fan club) held up Monsta X light sticks during our boys’ performance in place for the MBB not allowed in. Ahgase also helped MBB with the live voting.

In other words: Ahgase and Monbebe are each other’s sweethearts. 💚🤧💜

Jooheon told MBB not to cry.

They held a fan-sign to which:

Wonho’s photo was projected on the screen behind them. A link to the photo can be found here.

K-MBB informed MX of the Times Square ad.

Changkyun stayed this is the last week of promotions.

Kihyun said he will do a cover of Believer.

I think Shownu earned his PhD? Or is going to?

Jooheon confirmed the release of the studio version of Sambakja, or he said he might. I’ve seen people talking about both, so I can guarantee 100%, but Jooheon, if you’re reading this - please.

Trends continue meaning we’ve successfully trended for one week straight.

Eshy:

Voting for MAMA has been open and Monsta X is a nominee in all except a couple categories.

There’s two ways to vote:

Voting for them in specific categories on the website, here.

Voting on Twitter as well by utilizing:

#MAMAVOTE #monstax

Current twitter tags to trend as well:

#LoveUWonho

#우리_항상_네_곁에_있을게요

@/OfficialMonstaX

@/STARSHIPent

-

Overall reminders:

Do not engage in fan wars.

Do not engage in any hate towards the duo. I’ve said this in the past and it’s practically been confirmed: They’re trying to gather sympathy through the situation they’ve caused by trying to play victim. Popular sites are posting articles painting them in positive undertones and netizens are starting to support them because of the hate they’re getting on their social platforms and what not. Those comments can also be collected and utilized in the ongoing legal case, so please, do NOT engage with them. Instead, channel your energy into MAMA voting, campaigns/projects, trends, and other positive things that will bring Wonho home to us.

Messages to MX, project created by @wonderlanddragon, ends Nov.8/9. The posted regarding the details can be found in the campaign link above!

Bunnies for Wonho, created by @thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain, has been ongoing now. They’ve also planned a new project for a video, so please send in your favorite Wonho moment along with your name and/or nickname to them!

@stay-dont-strayy creates an International MBB project. You can find the info on their blog!

Kpop group chats have been created, links here.

@sezy001234 has also created five tumblr kpop group chats, so hit her up for details on everything!

I’ve also made a kpop tumblr group chat, so if you’d like to be added, send in an ask or message!

The source to find the bunny 7-1=0 profile pictures can be found here in seven different colors.

You can leave letters/sweet messages to the boys on the fan cafe. Please be mindful of the situations at hand when doing so and also, give a little extra love to our baby, Changkyun. MBB at the fan-sign have mentioned that he seems to be struggling the most and tbh, it’s been very visible in his performances and photos.

All seven are trying to be strong for us, so let’s try our best to be strong for them. ❤️

-

We’ve made it through the first week, babes.

We can do it time and time again.

I love you all. ❤️🤧

Let’s bring our bunny home. ❤️🐰

(Posting: Nov. 8, 3:05 AM US Mountain Time // yes, it took me this long to make lol)

#monsta x #wonho #shownu #kihyun #hyungwon #minhyuk #jooheon #changkyun #im #joohoney #updates #first week #monbebe

[lavendermiilk]

HIT, HIIT…or HIIRT? – Theory To Practice

“To be really great in little things, to be truly noble and heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtue so rare as to be worthy of canonization.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe 

The ARXFit Alpha providing this particular session’s HIIRT train caboose.  Huh…

Curious as to what the differences are between HIT, HIIT and HIIRT?  Well, what follows are what I consider to be the high points.  Tomes could be written on the similarities between these methodologies, but I think the following gives a pretty good overview.

First, a couple of definitions:

HIT – High Intensity Training: The area covered by the overarching umbrella of classic High Intensity Training (HIT) is wide indeed, including such broad-stroke methodologies as classic, single-set-to-failure HIT, and various super-slow routines.  Included too, are all manner of TUL (time under load), repetition tempo, and rest period manipulations. Methodologies here are largely those popularized by Arthur Jones (of Nautilus fame) and bodybuilding’s Mike Mentzer.

Note: for info on “training to failure” see this post.

HIIT – High Intensity Interval Training: Most studies on classic High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) focus on only sprint (running) and/or cycle sprint sessions, because that’s what’s available and most easily studied in a lab setting.  A good article summarizing HIIT, and its positive effects, here.

HIIRT – High Intensity Interval Resistance Training: At it’s most basic, HIIRT is a powerful burst of output (typically 20 – 80 seconds), followed by a scaled rest period.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Think HIIT Tabata sprints — but with heavy resistance exercises.  Brief, brutal and basic are key words here.  I’ve fused elements of CrossFit, and the work of folks such as Scott Abel, Istavan Javorek,  and Joel Jamieson (in addition to whole slew of others) — along with my own, 35+ years-in-the-trenches experience — to create my own methodology.  Hints of HIT?  You know it.  Shades of HIIT?  Yeah, that too.  I come from a background of slinging iron as a way of bettering performance on the track and on the gridiron.  I came of age in an atmosphere that knew no S&C dogma — if it worked, it worked, and that’s all that ultimately mattered.  And that’s the credo I operate by today.

HIT, HIIT, or HIIRT — what’s the difference?

Generally speaking, the distinction lay in the overall intent of each individual “set” (or output burst).  HIT attempts to attain total muscular failure (within an allotted time window) in the targeted musculature, whereas HIIT and HIIRT attempt to attain as many repetitions (or highest cumulative work or power output) as possible within a set, or established time period.  With HIT, each exercise is generally performed once through, to failure.  In HIIT or HIIRT, an exercise may be performed 2, 3 or even many more times within a workout.  I say “generally” here because there is much overlapping and gray area within these methodologies.  HIIT is definitely a conditioning-biased protocol — i.e., Metabolic Conditioning, or MetCon, for short — whereas we can consider HIIRT a hybrid of both HIT and HIIT.  And a HIIRT session may be, depending upon how it is set up, strength, hypertrophy, or MetCon (strength endurance) biased. Confused? Don’t be; this will all make sense soon enough.

Can you give an example?

Sure.   Here’s an example of what I consider to be a classic HIIRT workout: six distinct exercises, 3 upper body dominant exercises alternated with 3 lower body dominant, all set in a circuit format.  Each exercise is performed all-out, full-bore (as many reps or the most force and/or power developed as possible) for 1 full minute.  Then, rest for 1 full minute before beginning the next exercise in succession.  Wash, rinse and repeat.  Each exercise will be performed twice during the 2-round duration of the workout.  If you’re doing the math, we’ve got 24 minutes worth of work and rest here.  Even allowing for some degree of spillover, we can still get this workout done in 30 minutes.  Brief, brutal, basic…and extremely effective.  Consider this scenario:

(A1) Tbar swings (A2) Powermax 360 push-pull/cross-punch (30 secs each exercise, shift on the fly) (A3) ARXFit leg press (A4) ARXFit flat press (A5) Reverse lunge iso hold with dumbbell curls (30 secs each leg, shift on the fly) (A6) Blast strap rows

The actual exercises are not so important at this juncture; what is important is the overall workout setup.  I could crank the intensity up a notch here by reducing the rest period between each exercise to say 45 or even 30 seconds, by bumping-up the work period, or by increasing the exercise resistance.  By virtue of me using resistance exercises here I’ve just morphed a classic HIIT setup (which could have used sprints, hops, jumps, bodyweight exercises, etc.) into a resistance-based interval circuit, or HIIRT, with, in this example, a decidedly MetCon (metabolic conditioning) bias.

So achieving total muscular failure is not a goal of a HIIRT session?

Not necessarily.  Remember when I said that there are no hard lines of distinction between these various protocols?  Consider the following, more strength/hypertrophy-biased (as opposed to the previous example’s MetCon-biased), upper body emphasis HIIRT workout:

(A1) OmniFit pec flye x 5 hyper reps (A2) Leverage machine flat press (negative emphasis, to failure), 50X0 (A3) Bent over row 20X0, 7 reps short pause, 7 more reps

(B1) Hip press with bands, (negative emphasis, to failure), 50X0 (B2) Russian leg curls 30X0,  7 reps short pause, 7 more reps

Notice the very HIT-like feel of the flat press and hip press execution.

*note: the (for example) 30X0 annotation denotes the exercise repetition tempo in the eccentric, pause, concentric, pause format.  30X0 would, therefore, be performed with a 3 second negative, followed by no pause leading into a fast-as-possible concentric, with an immediate return to the subsequent negative.  Note, too, that there is a profound difference between “exploding” into the concentric portion of a movement, and “jerking” into the motion.  There is a time and place for ballistic, “jerking” movements for sure — just not with this protocol.

Two rounds of each can certainly be accomplished in 30 minutes if the rest period between exercises is held sufficiently brief (i.e., less than 1 minute). Extending the rest period will require eliminating the pre-exhaust exercise (in this case, the OmniFit flye), which is fine, considering that if a client is not yet up to the fast-paced nature of the workout to begin with, they probably aren’t in need of a pre-exhaust anyway.

So what are the advantages of HIIRT vs other forms of training?

Well, what we’ve done at Efficient Exercise is essentially turn what would be considered a huge disadvantage (a 30-minute session time constraint) into a decided advantage for the client.  Not only do Efficient Exercise clients need only invest an hour or so per week in the studio to achieve an optimum level of health, but that investment pays huge dividends when it comes to effective fat loss and muscle gain.

How does HIIRT maximize fat loss?

Well, there are many ways and associated reasons, but here are the main points to consider:

The bottom line? In order to maximize fat loss, we must elevate growth hormone secretion, minimize insulin spikes, improve muscle insulin sensitivity, and keep cortisol under control.  This is best achieved by keeping training sessions brief, brutal, basic and intermittent.

The other side of the coin is, of course, muscle gain.  To induce muscle growth we must stimulate protein synthesis in muscle tissue.  Protein synthesis is initiated by an exercise/movement that most effectively:

And the take-home message is this: Recruit and fatigue as many muscle fibers as possible, as fast as possible, and ensure adequate post-workout recovery and nutrition following the workouts.  Remember, exercise ought to be considered a high-amplitude signal that subsequently affects the body’s on-going, anabolic hormonal milieu.  Too much is too much; too little is too little.  Profound, I know — and yet it is so very true.

So how do we get these two processes to work hand-in-hand, creating an anabolic environment for muscle growth, while at the same time forcing the body to use fat stores to help meet energy demands?

Note: diet plays a HUGE role here as well.  The focus of this section, though, is exercise protocol selection.

1. Stimulate muscle growth with compound exercises, performed for 6-20 repetitions to failure (if strength/hypertrophy is sought), or for max work or power output (if MetCon biased).

The repetition range, together with the execution tempo, will determine the nature of muscle fiber recruitment. We want to recruit, tax and fully exhaust as many fibers as possible, including slow twitch, intermediate, and fast-twitch fibers. As with all strength exercises, slow twitch fibers are recruited first, then as the muscles fatigue, intermediate and finally fast twitch fibers are recruited if and only if the set is continued until fatigue sets in.

Muscle growth is best achieved when the exercises are performed with controlled eccentric movements and continuous tension. Make an effort to minimize momentum unless the nature of the exercise dictates otherwise.

2. Improve insulin sensitivity by performing a sufficient volume of work.

Multiple (2 or 3) sets performed within the 6-20 repetition range is best for depleting muscle glycogen (and stimulating protein synthesis). During HIIRT training, muscle glycogen is broken down at a rapid rate, which results in improved muscle insulin sensitivity and increased LPL (lipoprotein lipase) activity on muscle tissue, causing nutrients to be preferentially partitioned towards muscle tissue.  Insulin sensitivity increases on muscle cells when glycogen stores are low. When this occurs, nutrients are partitioned into the muscle tissue and fat stores are broken down.

3. Increases in testosterone.

4. Maximize GH production with short rest interval HIIRT circuits.

GH is most effectively released performing strength circuits where both upper and lower body muscles are fully taxed, and keeping rest intervals short.

HIIRT leads to a significant drop in blood pH (via the rapid breakdown of glycogen and subsequent release of hydrogen ions), which in turn triggers increased production in GH.

An interesting aside: contrary to popular belief, it’s not lactic acid that causes muscle burn; this is actually the result of lowered blood pH creating an acidic environment, thereby resulting in that old, familiar, muscle burn and fatigue. The brain senses the situation and increases output of GH.

We know that testosterone is important for recovery, shedding fat and building muscle — but what’s so great about growth hormone?

Plenty.  GH has been shown to stimulate fat breakdown (lipolysis), increase the utilization of fat, and decrease the use of carbohydrate as fuel.  GH has beneficial effects on muscle mass, bone density, body fat, and it can help reverse some of the age-related changes in lean body mass (sarcopenea).

GH has also been shown to act as a suppressive on myostatin.  And myostatin, you may remember, inhibits muscle growth and is a negative regulator of muscle tissue. Higher GH release means lower myostatin expression; lower myostatin can result in increased anabolic activity and an increase in androgen receptor expression.

Research shows that circuit strength training (and high intensity sprint training) are both effective methods for naturally elevating GH secretion in healthy adults.  It is my opinion that these effects can be greatly enhanced by adding a resistance exercise element — HIIRT — to the mix.

*Also*: please check out my post ARXFit, and the Perfect Rep.  Because all of this methodology is less-than-effective unless the basic building blocks are solidified.  And yes, ARXFit for sure enables a perfect repetition, but the lessons learned here can for sure be applied to conventional exercise methods.

Heal thyself, hone thyself, change the world – Keith

This content was originally published here.

from https://makingthebest.com/hit-hiit-or-hiirt-theory-to-practice/

[macgyvermedical]

3-Quinuclidinyl Benzilate is My New Favorite Chemical Weapon, A “Mason+Cable+Choices” Medical Review

This episode. This freaking episode.

First of all, Charlie Robinson, who I really thought was going to stick around in this version of the series after he survived his first episode, had to go and become the instrument to someone else’s revenge scheme. We also got to see a relatively hard side of Mac in the interrogation room, and I’m not sure whether to applaud it as character development or feel like they’re going too dark.

From a medical and whump standpoint, this episode sure has a lot of things covered- the gunshot wound, the neck needle, the 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate poisoning (Yay!), the heart needle/antidote, and the toxic smoke. I'm warning you now, most of this review is about the 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate poisoning.

The Gunshot Wound

Honestly, there’s not a lot to be said about the gunshot wound- it was to the outside of Charlie’s thigh, so while it would have been painful and probably would have bled some (the duct tape wouldn’t have helped stop the bleeding) it probably wouldn’t have been enough to really threaten his life. If he hadn’t later plummeted to his death, he might have needed some antibiotics, professional medical attention, and physical therapy.

Neck Needles

Neck needles aren’t a thing, but I’ve talked about those in previous posts.

3-Quinuclidinyl Benzilate Poisoning

Oh hey look, we’re already at 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate poisoning! And fam? this is where I really did my research.

If you’ve been on this blog long enough you know I like my chemical weapons. Not in a “kill everyone” way but in more of a “strong academic interest I may one day write a thesis about” way. And man, do I love having access to an academic library again. Whoo buddy. This was fun.

In the episode, Mason uses a chemical weapon called 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate (also noted in the episode as “BZ”), smuggled in a false tooth, to subdue Mac before making his escape from the interrogation room. The tooth contains QNB  in an aerosol form, which when released forms a visible cloud in the room. Mac breathes the aerosol, which appears to instantly paralyze or possibly sedate him, while Mason takes advantage of the small amount of uncontaminated air in Mac’s water bottle before making his escape up the air vent. A security team makes their way to Mac, Desi calls for a med team, and Mac is revived with an antidote delivered by a needle straight to his heart.

When someone mentions chemical weapons, most people think of mustard gas or nerve agents. But poisons designed to torture and kill people aren’t the only things that fall into the category of chemical weapons. In fact, there’s a whole class of them, called “incapacitants” that are specifically designed to take people out of commission without a high risk of death or permanent disability. 

Let me just say, Jim Adler is a writer after my own heart. He wrote both this episode and “Mac+Fallout+Jack” and considering both were absolutely gut-wrenching and contained reasonable choices of incapacitating agents, I really, really appreciate what he’s done for the canon. He didn’t get everything right here (*cough cough* neck and heart needles *cough cough*), but he clearly understands enough about drugging people to buy some literary license. Not all of it, but some.

Now, as I’ve talked about in other posts, drugging people into unconsciousness isn’t a particularly safe thing to do. Unconscious people can’t protect their airway, and most drugs that render people unconscious significantly impact their respiratory rate, blood pressure, or both. Unless the party doing the drugging is prepared to devote at least one trained person to monitoring and management of the drugged individual, there’s a chance that person could suffocate and die. Paralytic agents have a lot of the same issues.

This becomes even more problematic if you’re trying to incapacitate multiple people. Case in point- in 2002 a small group of Chechan rebels held over a 1,000 Russian civilians hostage in a theater in Moscow. After several days, in order to end the stand-off, Russian military personnel used what was probably an aerosalized opioid* to render everyone in the building unconscious. They then stormed the building and rescued the hostages. Unfortunately, even though antidotes were available and used, about 1 out of every 10 hostages ended up dying due to the mass drugging, which didn’t win any PR points for the use of incapacitating agents.

But if you get just slightly more creative, sedation and paralysis are not the only two ways to drug enemy combatants into uselessness. Turns out, a variety of hallucinogens and deliriants can achieve the same goal without the same risk of death by suffocation. If you can get someone to a state where they can’t remember what they’re doing or perform basic skills like reading or decision making, they can’t easily attack and kill your own personnel.

This is where 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate, (NATO code BZ, US Army code EA-2277, Soviet code Substance 78, and usually referred to as “QNB” in medical circles) starts to stand out. QNB is a deliriant and hallucinogen. Now, there are lots of drugs that fall into these categories- think LSD, ketamine, PCP, and atropine to name a few. QNB works very similarly to atropine, by selectively blocking the action of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine (think the opposite of a nerve agent), but with significantly more of its action concentrated around the mind-altering side-effects. It’s also safer, hardier, more versatile, and has a more ideal onset and duration of action.

The typical course of incapacitation with QNB involves:

An initial period of progressively worsening anxiety, restlessness, and confusion

A period of extreme drowsiness

Finally, more confusion, an inability to perform simple tasks, difficulty with movement, hallucinations, and bizarre behaviors including picking at things, which all gradually wane over the course of 2-4 days.

Here are some reasons QNB stands out as a particularly effective incapacitant (and all the ways the episode ignored them):

The first is therapeutic index. A drug’s therapeutic index is the difference between its effective dose and it’s toxic dose. If we say a drug has a “narrow” therapeutic index, that means there’s a very small difference between an effective dose and a toxic one, while a “wide” therapeutic index means that the two doses are very different. When drugging someone without their knowledge, no matter how you’re delivering the drug, it’s really hard to estimate the actual ingested dose. Because of this, you want the widest possible range of effective-but-not-deadly doses you can have- the best drugs for mass druggings are those with the widest possible therapeutic indices.

QNB happens to have a very wide therapeutic index compared to other possibilities for incapacitants. The lowest effective dose is about 150 micrograms, while a toxic dose is more than 650 times that at about 100 miligrams. In small doses, the drug doesn’t last as long and causes more sedating vs delirious effect, but is still very useful in lowering the effectiveness of an enemy force.

The second is its options for route and availability in an environment. How any drug is given is referred to the route of administration. These can include:

PO (oral- taken as a pill or liquid)

IV (intravenous- injected into a vein)

IM (intramuscular- injected into a muscle)

SC (subcutaneous- injected into fat)

IO (intrasseous- injected into a bone in an emergency)

Inhaled (breathed and absorbed through blood vessels in the lungs)

PR (rectal- given rectally)

Transdermal (absorbed through the skin)

Most drugs work best when administered a certain way, and some may only be produced for use by a certain route. Some, like ketamine or LSD, can’t be absorbed in the stomach, so giving them orally doesn’t work (LSD “tabs” are actually absorbed through the mucous membrane in the mouth). QNB’s advantage is that it can be given by any route. You want to drug food or drink? It works. Aerosolize it and pump it into the air? Also works. Inject it IM, SC, or IV? Yes but you might have to answer some questions. Coat something like a doorknob? It goes through skin too!

QNB is particularly suited as an aerosol, not because it readily evaporates, but because it’s odorless. No one would even know they were breathing it until it started working, and even then, they might not know what happened. It also stays in the environment for a long time- up to several weeks depending on conditions- and can survive extreme heat without degrading, so it could be disbursed via explosive (LSD would not survive). Bottom line, everyone that came into that room to rescue Mac was contaminated, probably enough to cause them problems. Also, so was Mason, so take that as you will.

The third is the drug’s onset and duration of action. In the episode Mac is almost instantly incapacitated when the spray hits his face. This is not how any drug works (even via the IV route, the quickest-onset drugs still take at least 15-30 seconds to be felt), but particularly not QNB. QNB has an onset time of about an hour, no matter the route. This is actually beneficial to the drug’s original purpose- if no one shows symptoms from drugging with an odorless aerosol until an hour after exposure, there’s no way to take protective measures. Suddenly everyone’s hallucinating and can’t do basic math. Sucks for that attack plan you were working on.

The fourth and final benefit that QNB provides is both it’s lack of (specific) antidote and the fact that there are no lasting effects. Some people point to physostigmine as a possible antidote, but it’s not perfect and has some incapacitating side effects of its own. As incapacitation with QNB is generally not life threatening, it’s probably better for most people to be cared for in a safe place and ride out the effects. Since it’s also not a carcinogen or mutagen, once the effects subside, there shouldn’t be any additional problems.

Phew. Okay.

Heart Needles

I swear I’ve talked about heart needles before, but I’ll do it again since it hasn’t been recently. In the episode, Mac is injected with an antidote directly into his heart. Now, like we said before, using an antidote wouldn’t really help him much, and its not really necessary. He’s just gonna have to ride it out (I don’t make the rules...).

But they chose to do it, so we should talk about it- in the pre-CPR era, intracardiac injections represented the only way of getting emergency medications like epi to the heart in the case of cardiac arrest. As late as 1992, there were still some groups advocating for it if the patient was in asystole (flatline) and IV or IO access couldn’t be obtained. Mac has excellent veins if I do say so myself, and he also wasn’t coding, so there’s no reason for this to have been a thing in the episode. It’s also never used today.

Also, I’m going to be particularly disappointed if that was just a callback to the similarly inaccurate Pulp Fiction scene. Because this show has already used epi to counter an acetylcholine-based problem, and you already only get to do that once. EPINEPHRINE IS NOT AN ALL-PURPOSE ANTIDOTE.

Jim Adler based on your other work I have to assume you know better.

Also it’s late and I’m not talking about the toxic smoke. See my many posts on cyanide and some time in the future come read my post on carbon monoxide.

*According to the book Chemical Warfare: Secrets Almost Forgotten by James Ketchum, who did a lot of the initial research on chemical incapacitants. Other sources reference the drug used as anything from traditional nerve agents to QNB itself, but the onset times and symptoms initially reported seem to match up better with an opioid than QNB.

R E F E R E N C E S

Awl - X-Ray + Penny - Duct Tape + Jack - CD + Hoagie Foil - Guts + Fuel + Hope - Wilderness + Training + Survival - Father + Bride + Betrayal - Lidar + Rogues + Duty - Nightmares - Seeds + Permafrost + Feather - Friends + Enemies + Border -

#MacGyver #mason+cable+choices #chemical weapons #neck needles #heart needles

[helshades]

Tip of the Nose : You Be For Men, My Scent

Does perfume really have a gender? Not remotely likely, says the purist, and don’t come telling me that virility smells like those pine-shaped car deodorant thingies. Everybody knows that real men smell of lavender.

This article is actually a rewrite of my response to this post, which my dying aging computer ate right before I thought about saving three hours worth of work. I’m not entirely sure what burning frustration and bitter regret are supposed to smell like, but if someone wishes to bottle it, they may as well name it Parfum de Hel.

On a side note, one of the participants to the earlier conversation had me blocked for some previous reason—probably unrelated to perfume discourse—so I could not reblog the initial post; nor am I willing, out of politeness, to simply caption the discussion. Therefore, here is the original post, and following is the segment I will more precisely address:

@thatiswhy:

Also, maybe I hate the mainstream cotton candy uwu line for women but don’t want to smell like a fucking frat house trying to deo away the smell of vomit on the carpet. You know what I want to smell like? White musk, and leather, and cedar, and sandalwood, and old parchment, and vetiver, and various teas, and juniper, and citrus, and cypress, and cashmere wood, and maybe in the summer like orange blossom and jasmine or fresia. These notes, while mostly present in women’s perfumes, usually are combined with overbearing fruity or flowery tones that make it smell like an aging late 17th century courtesan’s drawers, or “oriental” scents that make the whole thing reek like a 1920’s opium den. (Seriously, I have walked into a perfume shop, asked to be shown something fresh, woodsy and clean, and had Gabrielle shoved under my nose, which smells like rosewater-flavoured Turkish delight.)

Let women smell of non-jellybean scents, you cowards.

That being said, I have found all but two scents for men (to date) that don’t smell absolutely abrasive. (I’m suspecting the cheap synthetic ambergris.) 99.9% of the stuff directed at men smell as if I had one of those scrubbing metal wire thingies shoved up my throat. So no, I don’t want to shop at the men’s section, I want to be given the opportunity to find a scent that doesn’t say 80’s cartoon for girls and/or I read palms for a living.

There are many things to address in this fertile, if angry, intervention, and like often I’m starting by the end and by making a remark that has little to do with the subject at hand: I don’t think, my darling Tatty, that the ‘abrasive’ harbinger of olfactory doom you perceive in most ‘masculine’ fragrances would be synthetic ambergris, cheap or other. All ambergris today is synthetic, to begin with—well, not all, but natural ambergris is so terrifyingly expensive that we’ve got to forgive perfumers for furnishing us with only an approximation. Ambergris is extremely rare a substance; think around €10,000 per kilogram, in the lower estimation. Back in 2016, a nearly two-kilo block found by a man who was walking his dog on a Lancashire beach sold for £50,000… People have become millionaires over ambergris, although most of the time one only finds small quantities of it at once.

   Now this ambergris is a very curious substance, and so important as an article of commerce, that in 1791 a certain Nantucket-born Captain Coffin was examined at the bar of the English House of Commons on that subject. For at that time, and indeed until a comparatively late day, the precise origin of ambergris remained, like amber itself, a problem to the learned. Though the word ambergris is but the French compound for gray amber, yet the two substances are quite distinct. For amber, though at times found on the sea-coast, is also dug up in some far inland soils, whereas ambergris is never found except upon the sea. Besides, amber is a hard, transparent, brittle, odourless substance, used for mouth-pieces to pipes, for beads and ornaments; but ambergris is soft, waxy, and so highly fragrant and spicy, that it is largely used in perfumery, in pastiles, precious candles, hair-powders, and pomatum. The Turks use it in cooking, and also carry it to Mecca, for the same purpose that frankincense is carried to St. Peter’s in Rome. Some wine-merchants drop a few grains into claret, to flavour it.

  Who would think, then, that such fine ladies and gentlemen should regale themselves with an essence found in the inglorious bowels of a sick whale! Yet so it is.

— Herman Melville, Moby Dick (1922), chapter XCII, ‘Ambergris’.

In perfumery, ambergris is distilled into an alcohol-based solution known as ‘pure amber’ which, when exposed to air and sunlight, can be separated into several derivatives, notably terpenes and steroids. In fact, ambergris is mainly constituted from ambrein (25–45%) and epicoprosterol (30–40%). Ambrein is progressively degraded by sea water, sunlight and air into several compounds which are chiefly responsible for its smell, notably ambroxide and ambrinol. Modern perfumery uses ambroxide as a substitute for natural ambergris, which is easily synthesised from… a type of sage plant! To be exact, from sclareol, a fragrant chemical compound found in clary sage (Salvia sclarea). Sclareol kills cancer (yes.), and also it smells really good, with a sweet, balsamic scent very reminiscent indeed of the most important notes of natural ambergris.

Ambergris is essentially mucus naturally produced by certain sperm whales (it is believed that less than 5% of the species produces ambergris, possibly the largest of them, which prey on bigger animals) to protect their intestinal tract from lesions caused by the passing of sharp objects, chiefly undigested squid beaks: eventually, the whale excretes this soft, blackish, pungent concretion which is going to drift for a long while before landing on the shore, where it’ll spend maybe years drying out and hardening under the sun and the air. The colour lightens to a golden grey, and the smell gradually sweetens to a salty musk with whiffs of honey, tobacco and leather—depending on the block, the notes will vary in proportions and in potency.

Almost needless to say, then, that the number of perfumes using authentic ambergris isn’t especially high. Conversely, synthetic ambroxide is a beloved template of the modern perfumer’s palette, one of the reasons being that it helps stabilise scents very well. So popular, in fact, that specialists speak of 40% of the perfumes created in the last thirty years using it! Ambroxide was first synthesised in 1950, by Max Stoll for Geneva-based Firmenich SA. That means that Aimé Guerlain had to use natural ambergris when he created the masterpiece Jicky in 1889 (the oldest perfume in the world to be sold without interruption since its creation), even though Jicky was amongst the very first perfumes to use synthetic ingredients! Most notably, Jicky pioneered a great use of several synthetic molecules, chief of which vanillin, the synthetic vanilla which had been discovered in 1874 by German chemist Ferdinand Tiemann. (The first perfume using synthetic ingredient was Houbigant’s Fougère Royale in 1882, using coumarin, one of the key molecules of tonka beans.)

According to the legend of Jicky, it was composed by Aimé Guerlain (one of founder Pierre Guerlain’s two sons, and the second generation’s in-house perfumer, whilst Gabriel was the manager; then came Gabriel’s own sons, master perfumer Jacques and manager Pierre. The last family perfumer was Jacques’ grandson Jean-Paul, who retired heirless in 1994, after which the company was sold to soulless, tentacular multinational LVMH, much to the dismay of Guerlain aficionados all over the world) ... in memory of a broken heart he suffered in his youth as he came back to France after studying in England without his lady love, the lovely ‘Jicky’. Though mostly advertised to a female clientèle, Jicky shocked many a respectable woman of the time by its daring use of sensual animal musks (ambergris, musk, castoreum, and the devilishly sexual civet) at the heart of its balms, spices and aromatic flowers, most especially lavender, luxurious iris, sultry sandalwood and hot leather... Until the 1910s, when women’s press began recommending it, Jicky was quite the sensation amongst... English dandies... and Marcel Proust, of course. (In 1925, for the International Exhibition of Decorative Arts, Jacques Guerlain presented a twist on Jicky, in which he had removed lavender and woods but added bergamot and, especially, a massive dose of ethylvanillin [three times more potent than vanillin!]: Shalimar was born.)

Men and women used to wear the very same perfumes. Until the 19th century, really, the market wasn’t segmented and there was no such thing as a masculine scent. When the European courts started bathing again and heady perfumes fell out of fashion to the benefit of lighter, tarter, fresher fragrances modelled after the famous Eau de Cologne (1708), women wore them too. The French Jean-Marie Farina who became with his own Eau de Cologne (1809) the official perfumer of the imperial court furnished Empress Joséphine as well. It was for Empress Eugénie, wife of Napoleon III, that Pierre Guerlain created his 1853 Eau de Cologne impériale in the famous ‘bee bottle’ (with his 69 bees symbolising the Empire), which earned Guerlain the envied title of ‘Patented Perfumer of Her Majesty’.

The real difference in perfume usage that occurred during the 19th century was actually a matter of social marking via the use of perfumes of varied qualities, complexities and prestige: if perfume remained an element of luxury, now the aristocracy wasn’t alone in this privilege; moreover, clothes weren’t so elaborate and expensive anymore, and social differences were expressed in subtler ways than before the Revolution. In Paris, House Guerlain furnished a more aristocratic clientèle, whereas the upper-middle class went to Roger & Gallet (successors to Jean-Marie Farina), Lubin or L.T. Piver; meanwhile, middle-middle and lower-middle classes patroned Bourjois and Gellé Frères. The lower-middle class also went to ‘perfume bazaars’ that proposed the same products on sale, plus low-quality products.

The first respectable (only) concurrent to French perfumery was actually England, thanks to the well-earned reputation of its barbers, who created their own fragrances, at once discreet, elegant yet tenacious. Those were scents designed to be applied on the skin as tonics in the first place, after an expert shave, and as such they were based on aromatics, chiefly lavender, made from the essence of the delicate English variety: in the beginning 20th century, Frenchmen often wore Yardley’s 1873 English Lavender, precisely, and it was something of an ubiquitous odour in cosmetic products more specifically destined to men, such as soaps and creams.

It is no wonder, then, that when Ernest Daltroff created the first ever perfume only for men, judiciously titled Pour un homme, in 1934, for House Caron which he co-founded with his brother Raoul in 1904, the fragrance was based on lavender, tenderly joined in matrimony with sweet vanilla and lying on a respectable, tranquil base of an ambre accord (vanilla, benzoin, labdanum, the ‘oriental’ assembly created by genius François Coty in 1908 Ambre antique, the family namer of ambrés perfumes) sandalwood and musk. Legend has it that Ernest, who loved lavender, added the vanilla to please Ms. Félicie Wanpouille, Caron’s artistic counsellor, whom Ernest might have loved even more than lavender. She had joined Caron in 1906 and their collaboration produced some of the most beautiful perfumes of the time, and most original: in 1919, they created the first ever leather-scented perfume, Tabac Blond, in 1927, Ernest made En avion as a gift to Félicie’s friend the star aviatrix Hélène Boucher... They also invented the ‘loose powder’ technique in make-up.

Félicie never left, but Ernest did, along with Raoul, when the Nazis invaded France: the Daltroff brothers were the sons of Jewish Russian immigrants, after all. Since Caron exported a lot of products and had opened a shop on New York’s 5th Avenue, Ernest emigrated to the United States in 1939. He never came back, and died in Canada in 1941. But Félicie Wanpouille stayed, in spite of the Occupation, keeping Caron afloat; 1941 was also the year she got the genius idea, since she couldn’t pay the heavy taxes the Nazis imposed on Jewish-made goods, to rename Pour un homme into Pour une femme, a name which it kept until the war ended. To this day, Caron remains one of the very houses to be devoted entirely to perfume—and free of any multinational’s influence, for that matter. (They’ve not, alas! remained free from the clutch of Reformulation, but that is a story for another day.)

There are two very good reasons why Tabac Blond bears this name. The first was purely commercial: in 1919, women were beginning to smoke, but they smoked almost exclusively blond tobacco from Virginia, which was considered too feminine for men. The second was that blond tobacco exhales honeyed mossy notes which the perfume evoked tantalisingly alongside the darker leather, the cooler iris and the warmer amber, meaning that it was the perfect perfume to cover the smell of tobacco smoke. Two years later, Molinard released the wonderful Habanita, in a small bottle shaped like a cigarette lighter, as an oil to dab the tip of your cigarette so as to make women’s clouds suaver (it was released as a proper perfume in 1924, and long advertised as ‘the most tenacious perfume in the world!’, not without reason).

It wouldn’t be illogical to consider that if there are masculine scent in the first place, it’s probably because femininity went through some drastic changes from the late 19th century onwards, especially as a consequence of the two World Wars. The daring, tobacco-covering orientals which the flappers favoured were a direct reaction to the dreamy flower ideal of the previous decades, notably the artificial immobility of the Victorian woman and her continental equivalents, which the Roaring Twenties more or less exorcised with a call to adventure and independence. Women wore more perfume and more daring perfumes; it was only expected that men would start wearing perfume, real perfume again.

Something really odd happened in the 1980s, but maybe that, too, was to be expected: a kind of paradigm shift occurred in perfumery, as the laundry detergent companies which had become extremely rich and powerful thanks to the combined power of advertisement and mass consumption bought most of the perfume houses, perfume started imitating cosmetics more than the reverse. Once upon a time, the cosmetics industry would copy, or try to, the scents most popular in perfumery, like L’Oréal’s Elnett hairspray famously reprised Chanel’s  Nᵒ 5’ aldehyde overdose. Now, trendy perfume smells like shampoo or body spray.

It seems, nonetheless, like the ancestor of all terrible men’s perfumes that smell like body spray—the men’s version, the kind that makes you want to claw your own nose off—was the otherwise respectable Drakkar Noir by Guy Laroche (1982). So beloved by the public that every hygiene or cosmetic product targeted towards suddenly attempted to smell like it. Drakkar, however, was a good perfume, even if by today’s standards it would be perfectly unwearable for one’s entourage (in a vicinity of approximately 30 metres). ‘Powerhouse’ doesn’t begin to describe the type of scent that was popular in the late 80s and early 90s. And then they started using Calone™. Like, a lot of it. Have you ever smelled calone? Wait, you have. You’ve hated it. Calone in itself was a great chemical revolution: finally, the possibility for perfumers to imitate the very odour of water! Bring in the marine-like scents! Bring in the marine-like scents... I kinda want to throttle Calvin Klein for Escape (1991). Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not approach anything subtitled ‘Sport’. It’s worse. It’s way worse. (These days, calone is used to give a ‘watermelon’ aspect to everything, but chiefly summer flankers of denatured classic feminine perfumes. A hint: it smells like shampoo. Everything does.)

You can blame advertisement for convincing men to wear perfume on top of extremely pungent deodorant, too, but me personally, I strongly resent women who think classics are ‘too feminine’ and want to shop at the men’s section of their local perfume supermarket because it’s supposed to be ‘gender-defying’. It really isn’t. That’s not what equality is about, getting to smelling just as bad as the dudes, it isn’t. Even more importantly, perfume is not gendered; marketing is. Skin chemistry varies noticeably from person to person and our hormones do play some role in what we smell like, and therefore in what one perfume will smell like on different people, but apart from that, any sex-based olfactory discrimination is but a marketing ploy to exploit a segmented market so that the members of one household purchase and consume as many differentiated items as possible. Mainstream perfumery these days is mostly hopeless: the Thinking (wo)Man would be well inspired to turn to ‘niche’ perfumery, which isn’t always that confidential but presents the great advantage of being generally more creative and personal. Websites exist where people exchange ideas and samples and there is a whole alternative market for scents that allow people not to ruin themselves buying a full bottle of certain great fragrances. Overall, it is a nice way to get to wear something that feels like a personal choice.

#tip of the nose #aromaphilia #answers #thatiswhy #a work in progress as i've yet to address the lutens question #will do after sleep #but as it happens i must go to bed and get a few hours of sleep in #for tomorrow morning i'm bidding on several bottles of lutens perfume

[woman-adulthumanfemale]

Today is my son’s first birthday party. I’d thought I’d write a post about my labour and delivery experience in a rural town in Western Australia.

A bit of back story:

I’ve always had bad periods ever since I was a teenager. I would faint and be so dizzy I couldn’t go to school. All the doctors just offered the pill and a few ultrasounds. I always knew something was wrong. I saw many doctors who all offered the same thing. I decided to come off the pill at 23 after being on it for 6 years.

At 24, I met my boyfriend. Within a few months we were talking about the future and I decided to get some bloods done just to check everything was normal. One of the hormone tests came back abnormal, so the doctor asked if I wanted to pay for a special blood test which would check certain levels in relation to my ovaries. This is the AMH test. My results came back basically saying that I was in Premature Ovarian Failure and had a less than 5% chance of conceiving. I was almost 25.

I was completely devastated. We decided that the next year we try for a baby. After 7 months, 2 miscarriages and 1 chemical pregnancy, I found out I was pregnant. To be honest I’m still really shocked I got pregnant that easily. I did take some vitamins but I’m not sure if they did much.

I had a very uneventful pregnancy. All results and tests came back normal. I worked full time until 38 weeks. After that it all went to shit, my blood pressure rose and I had traces of protein in my urine. At 39+2, my mucus plug came out. Still days later, no progress. At 39+6, I began having some contractions throughout the day. These continued through the night. I got up at 1:30am to go to the toilet and there was blood. Off to the hospital we went. They did all the checks and said I was in the early stages of labour. By 9:30am, we were at home. At 1:30pm, my water broke. We went back to the hospital and they admitted me.

I was sat on the bed and was told “our hospital doesn’t believe in pain medication. If you would like something, you must ask us. We will not offer it to you”. I tried lots of different positions. Got in the bath, went for a walk etc but something just didn’t feel right. I told them how much pain I was in and how my legs had no strength. I opted for the gas whilst in the bath. By 4pm, I was in such excruciating pain, all I could do was lay down. One midwife said “you have a very low pain tolerance. You just wait until the next stage of labour.” I felt like shit.

At 6pm, I asked for an epidural. I was told “once you get an epidural, you probably won’t progress and will need help delivering the baby.” I just didn’t care at this point. I told my boyfriend repeatedly that he needed to kill me. I can’t explain the pain I felt. It was horrific. I was throwing up continuously. At 8:30pm, I got an epidural. The first mdwife tried to insert a urethural (?) catheter, she couldn’t get it. She then tried a different size. It still wouldn’t go in. 2 other midwives and my doctor tried, but no one could get this thing in more than half way. What they got was blood in the bag. I was literally pissing blood. In the end they didn’t bother with the catheter. They all suddenly changed in their behaviour. Getting me drinks, asking if I wanted food etc. I was shocked. The doctor then says “we think your baby’s head is in an awkward position. We believe it’s head is lodged in sideways.” My baby was coming out via his ear.

It took about 30 minutes for the epidural to work. I was finally able to relax, and shock horror, my BP dropped! I had the epidural for 5 hours and then they told me they needed to turn it off because I was fully dialated (ha!!) and they don’t believe in pushing while the epidural is on. So they turned it off and I started pushing at 2:30am. I pushed for 2 and a half hours before I suddenly felt less pain. The baby had turned its head. My contractions started being regular, and I could actually breathe through them like a normal person! I asked to get up and walk but they said that wasn’t allowed.

Half an hour later, at 5am, the doctor suggests a vacuum extraction. For me, pushing did not hurt. I’d push out 100 babies before going through that previous pain. My son was born a little before 5:30am. All up, over 30 hours of labour and 16 and a half hours after my waters broke. He had an initial APGAR score of 2. They didn’t even tell me if it was a boy or girl. They spent a good 15 minutes on him. As soon as he was born, the doctor says “oh shit” and splat, blood hits the floor. I haemorrhaged.

I walked from the delivery suite to the recovery room. All I remember is going into the bathroom and crying because I couldn’t believe what had happened. My baby was perfect and that’s all I cared about. A few hours later, one of the nurses asked me to get up and I fell on top of her. My whole right leg and foot was numb. I ended up with an L5 nerve injury. This was caused by my pelvis separating whilst trying to accomodate the baby’s head. It took 14 weeks for me to regain full use of my foot. I was told 1mm of progress per week of recovery.

I fully blame the midwives for what happened. I was treated like a dumb first time mum who knows nothing. I have contacted a birth trauma organisation and they have recommended I make a complaint. I feel bad because there are so many women who have life long injuries, and mine was fixed. But I think I will, even just to have it noted somewhere.

No woman should be told that her pain in labour isn’t valid.

Happy Birthday my little gift 😇🥰💋

#labour #childbirth #delivery #birth trauma

[forsythforsyth14-blog]

Best Muscle Building Foods - What consume Post Workout

https://dynatropingh.org/ If you want to build real muscle mass, anyone could have to focus on the basic compound steps. Forget about setting up routines engage 20 isolation muscles in the single instruction. The key to creating a solid foundation is utilizing the compound movements like squats, bench press, dead lift shoulder press and bent over series. A number of terrific muscle building foods include meats (chicken, beef, fish), eggs (have been demonstrated to really help add muscles), yogurts, cottage cheese, wheat pastas and breads, apples and bananas, oatmeal, adorable potatoes, brown rice, and yams in order to name a little. Post workout supplements are similar to pre-workout variety except they may be to double up to thirty minutes after the workout or as prescribed across the bottle. Note down your errands be very in the structure of helping your body recover by the workout and become the additional nutrients to where perform be absorbed in you should take in. Tuna in its more "gourmet" incarnation. It's got roughly sneakers nutritional due to the fact cheaper canned tuna, yet people take care of agree its a little more appetizing. Swimming - Swimming could be such fascinating a wonderful exercise. Slowly . at first and focus on only a few strokes initial. Practicing for 25-30 minutes for approximately testosterone boost 3 days in full week can causes light shedding of dietary. How a lot of time do you have to devote to your process? How disciplined are you gonna be? You're honesty in approach has become popular extremely considerable. You won't be fooling anyone but yourself. At initial glance it mixes incredibly effectively though the taste is less well very good (fruit punch) but its this type a small serving that certain particular smaller gulp which makes it down. Only downside to this for me so far is that it'll take lengthier than most pre-work out drinks to kick living in. For me it requires about 45 min a good hour not wearing running shoes really states on the box. However that is great for me, normally requires about 20 min to generate to the health club and then yet another twenty to get warmed on a light set. After i hit my 1st heavy set it commonly commences. Also just before I ramble on some additional I did encounter small "tingles" by way of Beta-Alanine in it, which actually feels fairly first-rate and only will get me pumped tougher.

[awkwardshortboy]

(Baby)Steps in the Right Direction

Word Count: 3,814.

Prompt: Snape lives and has to work out how to fit into life post-war.

Content Warnings: mentions of depression/self-harm/alcoholism.

Brief summary: 

It’s two months after the Battle of Hogwarts and the Weasleys are hosting a victory meal for ex-members of the Order and DA.  Harry insists Snape is invited, but he doesn’t initially show up due to becoming a recluse after the battle to escape press attention. 

2nd July 1998

Delicious smells wafted through the Burrow as people rushed around to Mrs Weasley’s orders, preparing the evening meal.  A table was being placed outside and draped with the Weasleys’ finest tablecloth while Mr Weasley counted chairs with reference to a list of invitees, then conjured a few more out of thin air so that they had enough.  The table being mostly set, a convoy of roast beef, ham, chicken, and pork flew through the air on platters and gently settled themselves down at regular intervals down the table, followed by Hermione Granger, brandishing her wand at them, followed closely by Ron Weasley, who sent several plates piled high with roast potatoes and pigs in blankets to the table like Hermione had just done.  As the couple moved over to help Mr Weasley and George set up some Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes fireworks at the end of the garden, Bill Weasley followed out of the kitchen with platters of new potatoes and vegetables.

With the table set up to Mrs Weasley’s approval (which required several slight rearrangements), it was time for the guests to start arriving.  Members of the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore’s Army arrived at the Burrow over the next half an hour, greeting each other enthusiastically, the first two months of peace clearly having served them well.  As it reached seven o’clock, Mrs Weasley moved to motion the many guests to sit down, when Harry Potter caught her by the elbow, gave her a pointed look, and said, “not everyone’s here yet, shouldn’t we give it a few minutes,” he looked around hoping the final guest would appear so they could start.

“We’re only missing one person, Harry, and he was always unlikely to show up anyway, the keep-warm charm I placed on the food won’t last forever, if he turns up later there’s nothing stopping him joining us late.” She gestured to a few guests to sit down, causing them to take their seats one at a time, but Harry spoke again before Mrs Weasley could take her own seat.

“Can’t you give him a few more minutes? If he arrives and sees we’re already sat eating he may turn around and go home– “

“Harry, he probably didn’t get the invite, no-one’s seen him since a week after the Battle, you’ve looked everywhere you think he might be and spoken to everyone who might have the slightest idea where he is and you still haven’t found him,” she placed a comforting hand on Harry’s shoulder as he was about to protest, “if he can disappear without trace like that, he clearly doesn’t want to be found and therefore isn’t likely to turn up to a dinner party with a group of people he’s never exactly got on well with.” Mrs Weasley turned and sat down before Harry could speak, and he dejectedly walked toward his own seat between Ginny and Ron, opposite the empty seat he had been sure to save for Severus Snape.

20th June 1998

It was another wet and windy day on the mostly deserted moors on the eastern Scottish border, giving the small, rather run-down cottage in the hollow another battering as the rain beat down on the thin windows and old roof like tiny fists trying to gain entry to the dwelling.  It was just after dawn, and the heavy rain and whistling wind had woken the unwashed man lying on the old sofa surrounded by empty bottles of booze. He stirred groggily, tentatively sitting up and staggering toward a medicine cabinet in the small kitchen which adjoined the sitting room, where he took a small bottle containing a hangover cure which he downed in one gulp.  It only took a few seconds for the potion to take effect, at which point Severus Snape straightened himself and observed his surroundings; the cottage, which he had bought after having to abandon his (hated) childhood home of Spinner’s End after one too many press invasions, was just as dull and dingy as it had been the night before, and (thankfully) just as isolated and free from prying eyes.  In his present state, Severus matched the cottage well, having let go of the few standards he had ever had for his physical appearance, his greasier-than-ever hair, obvious stubble, and grubby grey shirt standing as testament to how his life had somehow managed to go even further downhill in the last month or so.

As he flexed his left hand, he felt a sharp, stinging sensation on his forearm, which he inspected to find a collection of random, badly-healed cuts where his Dark Mark had once been.  Although the mark itself had faded once the Dark Lord had been defeated, the brand had left its mark in an unevenness to the skin on his left forearm, which was all the reminder Severus needed of his youthful folly in joining the Death Eaters. Not wanting to remove the scars in favour of the Mark, he simply conjured bandages to cover his arm until they fully healed; he thought grimly that perhaps in a week or so his left arm may match the network of scars that covered his right.

The silence of the kitchen was broken by Severus’ stomach giving a loud grumble, begging for food, and yet he didn’t feel like eating.  Instead, he took a half-empty bottle of firewhisky which he’d failed to finish the night before and started on that after moving back to the sofa in the little sitting room, where he sat, bottle in hand, and listened to the weather outside, which had a calming effect on him.  Exactly how long he sat there he was unsure, but the whisky had long been finished when his silent contemplation was disturbed by a hardy owl which had somehow made it through the weather tapping on his window.

Severus wasn’t entirely sure how the owl had found him, having don’t everything he could think of to keep people from being able to contact him – which had worked so far – and he was reluctant to fetch the owl in at first, fearing what its letter may hold, but in the end the fact that it had not only managed to find him, but in such weather made him let it in.  The owl stuck its leg out while Severus took the small scroll from its leg, then hopped around, looking for some sort of sustenance as reward for the arduous journey, only to find none.

Moving to an old yet comfortable leather armchair adjacent to the sofa, Severus began to unroll the scroll, which said:

Dear Professor Severus Snape,

               We are writing to invite you to a celebratory meal on the 2nd July to celebrate two months since Voldemort’s defeat.  Please arrive by 6:30 at the Burrow, Ottery St Catchpole, if you will be attending, and let us know if you won’t be there.

Hoping you are well

Mr and Mrs Arthur Weasley

P.S. I hope you can make it – Harry Potter.

Severus was unsure what to make of the invitation.  Why would anyone invite him to any sort of event, surely disappearing for the last six weeks after having apparently being an enemy of families like the Weasleys for the last year was enough to get him off their invite lists?  And anyway, it’s not like any of the Order had actually liked him when Dumbledore was alive anyway, why would they invite him now?  ‘Hoping you are well,’ indeed, he snorted at that last line, he was surprised they didn’t hope him dead, although that’s not something one would normally put in writing.  Although something about the invite seemed to rise a small smile deep inside him, particularly the curious P.S., and it caused Severus to send to owl away without a polite refusal of the invite, then to walk to the kitchen and eat a solid meal for the first time in the last few days.

2nd July 1998

The guests at the Burrow were sat down and about to tuck into the meal Mrs Weasley and any other member of the large, and steadily growing, extended Weasley family whose help she had been able to enlist had spent the afternoon preparing.  But before them and their assortment of guests could tuck into the meal, there was a hesitant knock at the front door, unheard by most of the company.

“Was that the door, Molly?” asked the formidable Minerva McGonagall, who was sat next to Mrs Weasley and closest to the house to hear the door.

“Was it?” She replied, “I didn’t hear anything.”  She got up anyway to make her way to the door, followed by Harry and Mr Weasley.  Making their way through the kitchen to the back door, they could see a dark shape through the frosted glass to the side of the door, which was opened to reveal a very awkward looking Severus Snape holding a bottle of red wine, which he awkwardly handed to Mrs Weasley claiming he’d been unsure about whether he should bring something.

“I’m glad you could make it, Professor!” Said Harry, rushing forward to shake Severus’ hand, ending the awkward encounter with the Weasleys.  He then proceeded to guide a still-uncomfortable Professor Snape out into the garden, where his appearance caused the quiet conversation to fade as all eyes focused on him, causing his pale complexion to turn a light pink as he attempted to smile.  Severus Snape looked much the same as he always had as he appeared in the Weasleys’ garden, with his usual sweeping black robes, radiating his usual vibes that he was not a man to be messed with; however, one difference which was noted by most guests as Harry had him sit in the opposite seat to his own between Fleur and Andromeda Tonks was that he had, for once, washed his hair in preparation for the event.

Earlier that day.

It was late-afternoon when Severus Snape returned to his isolated cottage after a brief trip into the local village.  The place was mostly inhabited by muggles, but he had managed to find a copy of the Daily Prophet from a few days ago in a wizarding family’s bin, which he had taken home with him along with his shopping, which consisted more of alcohol than food.  Tossing the paper to the side for now, he sat in his armchair and opened a bottle of rum while he ate a pastry he’d bought at the local supermarket.  

Once the edge had been taken off his hunger, Severus picked up the paper and flicked through it, knocking a small piece of paper off the table as he did so.  As with every edition of the Prophet since the Dark Lord had been defeated, it was mostly filled with articles about Order members and those who’d fought in the Battle of Hogwarts and what they were doing now; today mostly featured Kingsley Shaklebolt, who had just been made Minister of Magic permanently (rather than just acting), and Minerva McGonagall, who had been confirmed as permanent Headmistress of Hogwarts – which Severus couldn’t find fault with.

What was more interesting for him was a short article about halfway through the paper entitled: Severus Snape: Dumbledore’s or Death Eater? Harry Potter Finally Speaks Out. Curious about what they’d written about him today, he began to read.

Just under two months ago, Harry Potter made the startling announcement that Severus Snape – a man who appeared to all the world a loyal Death Eater, and perhaps Lord Voldemort’s most trusted servant, and who Potter had accused of the cold-blooded murder of Professor Albus Dumbledore the year before – had actually been a spy dedicated to the cause of bringing down You Know Who.  This announcement shocked the Wizarding World, and there has been no shortage of rumour and interest in the former Hogwarts Headmaster ever since, especially when he disappeared of the face of the earth six weeks ago.  But the Prophet is proud to say that Potter has finally broken his silence on the man he once hated in an exclusive interview.

The article went on to have Potter describe Severus’ actions since the Dark Lord’s return three years ago in increasingly short and exasperated answers which made him think this may not have been the gracious, exclusive interview the Prophet pretended it was.  Thankfully, he had neglected to mention certain more personal motivations behind his actions, and the article was by far the most positive thing which had been published about him since the war – Severus presumed that was why it was given so little space and was buried half-way through the paper.  Either way, the positive way in which Potter had talked about him, no, defended him, shocked him a little and he put the newspaper aside again, causing him to notice the piece of paper he’d knocked on the floor as he picked up the newspaper.  Turning it over, he saw it was the invitation to the dinner party at the Weasleys’, which he suddenly realised was that evening. Severus stared at the invite for a few seconds, particularly Potter’s curious P.S., which along with the article he’d just read made Severus’ attitude to the part change a little; perhaps he would give the world another go if not everyone hated his guts.

He looked up at the clock on the wall, the party started in just over an hour, as he turned to leave the sitting room for his bedroom he saw his reflection in the mirror and decided he had better wash and change first.

That evening.

With all the invited guests in attendance, the meal began, with the buzz of conversation returning as the guests compared stories of what they had done in the last few months and swapping general gossip.  In all of this, one man seemed to feel left out as Severus Snape had no close friends to ask after and no interesting stories of the last two months to share.  As he saw the warmness on everyone else’s faces as they so clearly liked and enjoyed each other’s company, Severus felt even more left out and would have regretted leaving his cottage had the food not been so nice, particularly after going hungry for several days.

To his right, Andromeda Tonks was in an animated discussion with Harry about Teddy Lupin’s progress and how he was managing to make some small alterations to his face, as well as change his hair colour, in the last few days.  Diagonally to his left, Neville Longbottom enthusiastically told Ginny any Luna that he had been offered the chance to study Herbology in Brazil next year after Professor Sprout had given him a stellar reference.

“So ‘ow are you enjoying ze food, Professor,” came the voice of Fleur Delacour – no, Weasley, Severus reminded himself – from his immediate left, forcing him to break his silence.

“Erm, yes, yes, it’s erm, very nice,” he stuttered out, surprised by the question.

“Ah, yes, my mother-in-law is an excellent cook, she makes ze best Eenglish food I have eaten (better than that at ‘Ogwarts), but it has not quite the quality of French cooking!”  Severus disagreed with the latter part of this and was thankfully able to avoid responding as Mrs Weasley was going down the table asking people if they wanted seconds.

“Perhaps some more roast potatoes, Professor Snape,” she inquired, “you look like you need a good meal, or perhaps you’d like some chicken? There’s lots going spare.”

“Yes, Severus, you do look even thinner than normal, I do hope you’re eating enough,” came the concerned voice of Minerva McGonagall from the end of the table, passing the chicken down giving Severus little option but to take it and claim that he was eating, although he didn’t quite meet either women’s eye.

As Mrs Weasley moved to offer Bill and Fleur more food, Harry finally took the opportunity to speak to the former Potions Master: “So have you got any plans now the war’s over?”

“No,” Severus responded shortly, then decided he might elaborate, “nothing solid… I might travel,” he was unsure whether he should have continued.

“Ah, well I know Professor McGonagall wants to offer you the Defence post again,” Harry responded.

“I know.”

“Are you going to take it?”

“No.”  Severus was not enjoying being asked about his plans or feeling pressured to return to his previous life, so he tried to signal the end of the conversation with that statement, but Hermione Granger was not satisfied that the conversation was over.

“Have you thought of doing something academic, Professor,” she began hesitantly, “I mean I saw your edited potions recipes in your book which Harry got hold of last year, you could do some very valuable work in the field – “

“Give him a break, ‘Mione,” came Ron’s voice (despite a full mouth) from Hermione’s other side, “I’m sure Professor Snape didn’t come here for careers advice.” This interruption caused Ron to receive a brief glare, but before anything came of it, people started getting up, signalling that the meal was over as George walked over to the fireworks to set them off.

Everyone now gathered towards the spectacle except Severus, who felt just as wary of joining in as he had at the start.  Instead, he retreated indoors, intending on making a quiet getaway, which would have worked perfectly had Harry not turned around at the exact moment he went inside and followed him.

“Hey, Professor,” he called once inside, causing Severus to turn around.

“What do you want, Potter,” he asked, thinking on the solitude of his cottage and wishing he was still there instead of here where people either ignored him or just wouldn’t leave him alone.

“I was hoping you might stay a bit longer – “

“Why,” he hadn’t intended to cut him across so sharply, but Severus was weary from spending the evening surrounded by people and just wanted to go home.  Harry saw that the Professor was starting to tire of the evening and decided to come clean about why he’d wanted him to come so much.

“I was wondering if I could ask you about my mother,” Severus sighed and twitched as if to continue leaving, not yet ready to talk, but Harry went on, “you see, everyone always tells me about my father, but never my mother.  I – I don’t know that much about her and I think you might be the only one of her friends left alive, a – at least that I know of.”  The almost pleading tone made Severus stop in his tracks and sit down on the sofa in the Weasley’s sitting room, where Harry tentatively sat next to him.

They sat like this for a while, with Severus finding out that he was able to talk about Lily without breaking down, and Harry finding out about his mother’s favourite music, colour, pastimes, and many other points which made her seem that bit more real to him.  He learnt that she had first encouraged Severus to experiment with potions and spells, and that she had even tried to adjust a few charms herself, but never with the same success Severus had.  And by the end of their conversation, both Harry and Severus learnt a new respect for each other, so that when Severus finally did leave the Burrow, Harry found a folded piece of paper on the arm of the sofa they had sat on with a scribbled address on it in the Half-Blood Prince’s handwriting as permission to visit the potions master in the future.

9th July 1998

It was a week after the party that Harry first turned up at the isolated little cottage that Severus Snape had occupied since the war finished.  He has intended on visiting alone, but Hermione had insisted on coming, which had made Ron insist on tagging along, which meant the conversation lasted long enough for Mrs Weasley to overhear and she had also insisted on joining Harry because Severus had looked awfully thin last week, and she wanted to make sure he was eating well.  So, the four of them appeared on top of a nearby hill which looked down on the cottage in the hollow to make their way to see Severus, Harry rather anxious that he might see the large party and turn them away.

Harry knocked on the door briskly when he got there, and it was answered about a minute later by Severus Snape, who appeared as he normally had before and during the war, that is to say, wearing his usual black robes with his hair almost back to its normal greasy state (although he had washed it more regularly since the party).  Although apprehensive at the large party at the door to meet him, he allowed them to enter, and upon doing so, Mrs Weasley took it upon herself to clean up, starting with the empty booze bottles, which she thought it better to make no comment on.

 This first trip to Severus’ house was awkward and consisted mostly of Ron and Severus being as awkward as each other, Mrs Weasley cleaning up after Severus’ last seven weeks of alcoholism and generally caring very little about himself, while Hermione marvelled about his book collection and Harry attempted to get him to talk once again.  But over time, these trips became a weekly thing, and on most Thursday afternoons, Severus’ small cottage would become fuller than usual as Harry visited with Ron and Hermione to check up on him and ask him for help on a certain part of Harry and Ron’s Auror training (and Severus was more happy to teach them now they were more respectful), or Hermione found him to be reasonably knowledgeable about wizarding law and would ask tiresome questions to help her take SPEW more seriously – although just as many afternoons ended up with Ron playing chess against Severus.  Other times, Mrs Weasley would drop in to ensure he was eating well, which over time he started to do of his own accord, which pleased both her and Madam Pomfrey – who would often visit with Minerva to keep him up to date with the goings-on at Hogwarts – very much.

In the months and years after this first encounter, Severus found that he was perhaps more able to go outside and after some therapy sessions at St Mungo’s that Hermione had found out about he even found he was able to speak publicly about his role in the war.  He also found that he became a kinder person – yet still as unapologetic, sarcastic and sometimes tiresome as he had always been, but less bitter – now that kindness had been shown to him and he no longer felt the need to hate the world quite so much. Finally, after all these years, he was taking steps in the right direction, albeit baby steps.

#snapeloveposts #snape writing and drawing fest #pro snape #wdf 2018 #severus snape #fanfiction #fanfic #harry potter fanfiction #severus snape fanfiction #harry potter #Ron Weasley #hermione granger #Molly Weasley #Order of the Phoenix #deathly hallows

[troubleisfree]

this is going to be like a very long, detailed, and mostly my personal observations and notes. as it was my first time seeing neymar and the brazil nt in person, i want to remember everything i can while its still fresh. it was a very exciting and at the same time surreal experience because i see those people all the time on tv games and now there they were few feet away from me...

i took the photos and videos. i am usually pretty good at that but i guess the excitement got the better of me because they did not come out fabulous. tumblr is being stupid with not letting me upload more then one video in a post, and i wanted everything together, so i ended up putting them up on youtube.

the hotel 9/3/2018.

so first i went to the hotel (very close to where i live) on monday 9/3. as it was labor day, i was off work and at a bbq/pool party abt 10 miles from home for the day. brazil nt was scheduled to leave the hotel for their first training at 4pm so i left the party early and, after some traffic drama, made it to the hotel little after 3.40pm. there were not too many people so i had a decent view but i also moved around a bit. some of the support staff was coming out already. a few minutes later, firmino was the first i saw, he waved and went straight to the bus.

then a group of marquinhos, douglas costa, fabinho etc came out together. only marquinhos paid any attention to the fans, waving and smiling but didnt stop.

then another group, including casemiro.

then alisson came out. he was really sweet, smiled, stopped with the fans, signed stuff. interacted the most of anyone else with the fans. 

then another group - i think richarlison (idk him really), filipe luis, thiago silva. thiago was just as nice as alisson, stopped with the fans, signed stuff. he looked to me a bit shorter irl then on tv...

willian came out alone next.

at this point, it was almost 4pm, my excitement had totally built up and i was so anxious to see my boy ney. i started thinking that maybe he will get there separately cuz i hadnt seen coutinho and tite either. but there he was! coming out last with barely a minute to spare before 4pm (the timestamp on my photo is 3:58:59pm lol). he was the very last one to come out, chewing on something, with his typical swagger. he waved but didnt stop and the bus left as soon as he got on. he looked just as hot in person as on tv, the cameras dont lie lol. really handsome and very very sexy! i mean, i expected it, i have seen his photos lol but omg he looks so damn good you cant help those dirty thoughts! i felt like an absolute fangirl! this is neither here or there, but he looked to me a little bigger then i expected. just kinda...fuller?

i only took one photo of him cuz i wanted to look at him with my own eyes rather than thru the camera ;)

it was such an incredible experience seeing neymar and the rest of the guys in person so close that i was shaking after! like for real my hands were shaking, my legs were shaking. and i couldnt stop grinning for a good half an hour after. i went to the boardwalk to calm down a bit and just absorb the experience. people passing by probably thought im crazy or reading love letters on my phone or something cuz i just couldnt stop grinning but i didnt give a flying fuck what they were thinking - i had just seen neymar!

my notes and impressions:

1. OMFG I SAW NEYMAR FROM FEW FEET AWAY. just that, my brain was really way too frazzled to process any other impressions lol

the game 9/7/2018

so after some c. drama, despite my initial hopes, i had accepted that i am not going to go to the game. and then the day before i find out I AM GOING!!! i was so freaked out with excitement lol!!!

getting there was so frustrating! first i had forgot to charge my phone before leaving work so i only had like 30% which was nowhere near good enough for my plans of copious pics and vids. so i had to run into a bodega to buy a charger for the car. then for some complicated reason we had to leave from the ues and fucking DRIVE. crosstown. on a friday. at 6pm. straight thru freakin time square with its gazillion tourists. on top of rush hour. even though the schedule said 8pm, the tickets said the event starts at 7.30 and i wanted to be there early to see the warmups and at 7.02 we were still not even inside lincoln tunnel ffs! i was FUMING and ready to jump outta the car and start yelling at the other cars to get a goddamn fucking move on i got places to be people to see! just ugh. so frustrating. the only upside of taking so long to get to the stadium was that by the time we got there my phone was almost 100%...

anyway, finally at 7.25pm we got there and thru all the checks etc (my joke of a miniature purse was shown as an example to another girl with a slightly bigger purse and praised by security for being perfect size which pissed me off because of their dumbass rules it had is smaller then my regular WALLET ffs and it barely even fits my phone so in no way is it a ‘perfect size’ except maybe for dolls or tiny aliens. but they had the stupid clear bag / tiny purse rule in effect and all i cared at that point was getting in so whatever. still, fucking terrorists. obviously also for more important reasons than just being the cause of my having to have a tiny purse but yeah fucking terrorists). 

the stadium was buzzing already. apparently the 7.30 start was for the warmups so perfect for me. this was the view from our seats.

when we got to our seats, the usa team was out already. and the canarinho was interacting with fans. and then brazil came out. 

ney was warming up with coutinho

after stretches, he did some practice shooting. this one didnt go in.

after that the team went back inside and the canarinho came behind the barriers to interact with the fans (photo below especially taken for a.)

time for the teams to come out. for some reason the tunnel was on my side of the stadium but the benches were on the other side and they lined up there for the anthems. (again, for a.)

then the us anthem and, since we dont do things here on a small scale, the flag rolled out was the size of the whole stadium lol

in the first half neymar was playing in front of me. in the beginning of the game i took a few photos and then i stopped because i wanted to watch the game and see with my own eyes not concentrate on the phone... still, here they are

here is the penalty. i didnt catch it go in because i was looking at it happening rather then my phone. i also removed the sound cuz there was screaming when it went in lol. it was a VERY soft penalty btw...

my notes and impressions:

1. it was a friendly so not surprisingly, it was not an edge-of-your-seat game. still brazil dominated the crap out of the usa team. the difference in class and quality was glaringly obvious.

2. it was strange not supporting my country’s team. but only when i thought about it. otherwise my soccering heart belongs to brazil 100%, without a doubt.

3. watching a game live vs tv: both have pros and cons. again, after watching every week on tv, seeing these guys live in person is simply incredible. just absolutely surreal. like, they are moving, running, kicking right in front of you. you can hear the ball being kicked. feel the tension. see what they are doing without the ball. watch their interactions away from the camera. feel the power of the crowd. its just so much more immersive. at the same time, watching at home the curated game content is... convenient. you get closeups. you get facts from the commentators. your bathroom is nearby (i did carefully time my liquid intake that day to avoid venturing into stadium bathrooms and thank god it worked lol). so imo, watching a game on tv is not really that much worse then watching it live. i always felt like i am getting a completely filtered version on tv and it is filtered but it is not horrible. yes, you are missing out on stuff but its not a total loss.

4. the stadium was about 40% full, 32k of 82k capacity. but it felt more like 2/3, probably because on the other side many sections were not even open so most everyone attending was spread out in one long side and the two goal sides.

5. brazil fans were out strong! i’d say about 70% of the people were brazil fans, and of those about 90% had on brazil jerseys. yellow galore lol. the usa fans were constantly chanting but when the brazil fans decided to make the effort they drowned them out easily and completely!

6. the usa fans were in the section behind one of the goals. throughout most of the game i thought oh cute they are constantly singing their hearts out supporting their clearly outplayed loosing team. then they did iceland’s viking chant. yes, it is a cool chant but its iceland’s. idk why so many have been plagiarizing it! first portugal did it in the wc, then i saw another, and now the american outlaws (the usa ultras)... let iceland have its thing people. i did not appreciate it but no big deal. BUT then they did something that pissed me off - few minutes before neymar was substituted in the 80 min they chanted fuck neymar. i was not best pleased to say the least! lick sweaty balls jealous motherfuckers!

7. we did a wave that went around the stadium like 4 times!

8. there was a small group of 13-14yo girls right behind us that whenever ney touched the ball or looked our way screamed ‘neymaaaarrr, neymaaaaarrrrrrrr, vaiiiiiii, vai neymaaaaaaarrrrrrrr’. one girl in particular was especially shrill and vociferous in her dedication to ney. no sense of decorum whatsoever lol. my bf was smirking at me and was like why dont you go sit with them. i on the other hand was thinking that while i wouldnt go sit with them, if some of my tumblr girls were here.... well those girls wouldnt even know what hit them!

9. i would definitely go to a game again! 

10. while the seats we had were really good, i wish there was an option to be even closer and still see the whole pitch. then again, for me it would probably only qualify as ‘close enough’ if im allowed to run along the sidelines lol. but then i wont really be able to watch the game. (hey maybe i can hang from the skycam hahaaaa!). yes, i am a neymar fan but i am also a fan of the game so i want both. i did not have any input in the choice of these seats but i think it was a good trade off - the closest where you can both see the guys and actual game. if i have to pick the tickets for the next game (hopefully i will go again some time!), i would be tempted by the lower levels but the barriers are pretty high so... i would probably go for the same - second level first row.

11. there was a guy sitting next to me with his date and he was trying to be all knowledgeable and impress the girl but half the stuff he was telling her was wrong lol! he kept pointing to douglas costa and telling her its firmino. i was cracking myself up listening to him talk complete bullshit but with such grand authority about technical game stuff.

12. at some point a loose ball ended up into the stands, some guy caught it, and 2 min later security came to take it away from him :/ why not let the guy just keep the ball?!? stupid. if it was me, i’d have made a fuss, maybe pretended that it hit me in the face and threatened to sue the stadium cuz they have not ensured the spectators’ safety or some such crap lol. see if they dont let me keep it to avoid a lawsuit.

13. the canarinho (for a.) - he was really great! interacting with the fans, dancing, hugging fans. really a fantastic mascot and absolute joy to watch! during the halftime he was out on the pitch, doing keepie uppies (in those shoes too!!! showing his brazilianness lol), and kicking balls into the stands

14. i was totally impressed by neymar. it was just so obvious how good he is and no, not because i am biased, which i admittedly am. i expected him to be good, duh, but to see it so clearly was amazing. he is not a fluke, he is the real deal. he stands out among even such quality peers as the rest of brazil nt! just something in the way he interacts with the ball, the way he moves, ‘sees’ his teammates without looking, turns on a dime, does the unexpected. i dont think he ‘thinks’ or ‘calculates’ at all his moves or that it is just a lot of practice, i think it is pure instinct in the moment, i.e. phenomenal natural talent. even though this was not one of his greatest games for sure, he just looked... special and different from the rest. most of the brazil players were displaying their clearly high quality but there is just something unique in the way neymar plays. even if you dont know who he is, what teams are playing, anything at all, you’d still pick him out and know that there is something extraordinary about this guy. if you unfocus your eyes so you see just all same yellow shirt figures, you would still be able to pick out which one is neymar. he did a bit of his skills and tricks and of course i wished he had done more. what i took away from watching him play live was that, in this average game, he looked as good playing live as he has in the past when i have watched his great games on tv. i dont know why. but watching neymar play live was an experience of its own. it felt like his average ‘live’ performance is as good as his great ‘tv’. i cant even imagine what it would be like watching one of his great performances live. while i dont feel im loosing so much watching games on tv vs live as mentioned above, i definitely feel that watching neymar in particular play live is on another level and im missing out when i watch him on tv instead of live. he is absolutely worth the price of admission. i was so disappointed in him for his wc antics but thats in the past now, and i have been reminded how right it feels to be his fan, not just for the nice things he does for kids/charity, his fun personality (and lets not forget the good looks, and oh boy they are SO GOOD lol) but his undeniably outstanding talent on the pitch. his game is just incredible. i hope he keeps healthy. i hope he gets his temper under control not just for a few games but for good. and i pray he always has the freedom to shine like he rightfully can. i am rooting for him to get the appreciation and acknowledgement he deserves, unadulterated by behavioral issues or personal drama.

ok, imma stop now. this post is huge, even by my standards. 

#brazil nt #brazil vs usa #neymar #thiago silva #marquinhos #alisson #filipe luis #willian #roberto firmino #9-7-2018 #game

[chansasoftcrip1971-blog]

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