#jay halstead in every episode

[halsteadlover]

Spaces Between Us

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested: yes by anon.

• Summary: you and Jay break up and it’s the hardest thing you’ve even been through. Is it forever over or will you be able to overcome the difficulties?

• Warnings: LOTS of angst and cursing, use of alcohol, slight mention of blood and dead body (it’s not important for the plot but still), I don’t know if there’s anything else please let me know if I missed any <3

• Word count: 19k. Yeah… I know.

• A/N: I’VE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED OUT FOR A FIC I SWEAR IT’S LIKE IT HAD TO PAY MY BILLS SO PLS BLOW THIS UP. I’m kidding (no I’m not ) but jokes aside, I hope you’ll like this fic even if still shitting bricks at the thought you’ll gonna hate it 😭 so please let me know what do you think and give me any advice if you want. I’m sorry for any mistakes and just so you know this fic dramatic as fuck lol. I love you all and thank you so much I know nobody is gonna read this, like I haven’t already written enough okay bye ❤️

Anyone who tells you that getting together with your best friend is simple because you know each other very well, don't trust them, it's complete bullshit.

And you had unfortunately learned this the hard way.

You really thought your relationship with Jay would be amazing to say the least, the first few months being pure heaven. You were very happy, you sprayed joy from every pore and anyone who met you could notice the toothy smile you continually had on your face.

You thought you knew Jay perfectly and that he knew you perfectly. After all you had been friends for so many years before getting together which is why you believed you knew everything about him, strengths and weaknesses, and he knew the same about you.

Unfortunately, however, this wasn’t true at all and you soon realized reality was very different from what you thought, being in a relationship with someone was totally different from being their friend. When you’re in a relationship you see that person differently, that person becomes the center of your thoughts, and everything they say and do have a weight on you whether you like it or not, you start to analyze everything with different eyes, you pay more attention to details, and you don't miss things that you wouldn't notice with a friend.

And that was exactly what happened with Jay.

You and him had been together for about six months when you started to notice something that among other things slowly took a big toll on you.

Given the nature of your jobs – him being a detective and you being a firefighter – there were times where you weren't able to spend much time together. He never let a minute pass without sending you a sweet text telling you how much he missed you and how much he wanted to be with you, but when it was time to see each other he sometimes preferred to go to Molly's with his friends.

Of course there was nothing wrong with that and you yourself told him to go, but when you started to notice this happened very frequently, taking time away from the two of you, you started to show him your discomfort.

You never wanted to create arguments, you just tried to communicate with him and express something that was starting to weigh on you but he didn't take it that way and a big argument were created from this. You knew Jay, you knew he was the type of person to keep everything inside, to not express his feelings right away, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt you. He accused you of alienating yourself from him, telling you he’d invite you to go with him when he went to Molly's and you were just being dramatic.

You tried to let it go for the sake of the relationship, trying to swallow the lump and think he wasn't doing it on purpose.

But from this episode everything started to go downhill.

When you were with him at the bar, or somewhere else, with his colleagues or friends you couldn't help but notice the way he and his colleague, Hailey, were particularly close. You tried not to let your mind wander, not to listen to your paranoid thoughts but when all you did was see the way they laughed and joked you couldn't keep the jealousy that gripped your stomach at bay.

You had known her since she joined Intelligence. You always knew they were good friends but since you got with Jay you couldn't help but wonder if their relationship had always been like this or if you saw it differently now just because you were in a relationship with him.

As with everything else, you started asking him questions about her and things like that and he didn't think much of it at first but when he started noticing the insistent way Hailey had become involved in your conversations, it started to bother him.

He had tried to reassure you, to tell you there was nothing going on with her but it wasn't enough, since he said the same thing to you too and yet you ended up together. But other than simple phrases and some sweet words thrown into the wind, he didn't seem to do anything to convince you otherwise.

You had never been the jealous type of person, you both had your own circle of friends, but the way Hailey always seemed to be up his ass, bothered you more than you’d never admit.

One evening, after work, you joined Jay at Molly's where you knew he had met with his colleagues and other friends. A strange sensation gripped your stomach as you tried to convince yourself it was only tiredness but inside you knew what the real reason for that anxiety was.

You hoped until the last minute to not see her there, you knew it was wrong, but you didn't want to be in her presence and you didn't want Jay to be either. But when you entered the bar and from afar you saw him and her sitting at the same table, that hope was destroyed in a second.

Jay looked up from her and immediately saw you walk in and a huge smile spread across his face as he waved his hand towards you. You approached the table, greeting everyone with a smile anyone from a mile away could tell was very fake.

“Hi baby, you're finally here.”

Jay stood up and hugged you tightly to his body. You returned that hug, your heart pounding in your chest even though you couldn't just let yourself go completely.

He let go of you and to your surprise pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, chaste kiss, eliciting a series of small squeals and whistles from the table. You giggled and, cheeks burning, went to sit next to Jay on the chair he had kept free for you.

A small smile – this time sincere – appeared on your lips. Jay wasn't the type of person who made sensational or dramatic gestures, he was a rather private person but when it came to you he didn't care about these things, he was very physical and always needed to have you close, to have a hand on you and feel your warmth in a way or another.

But, let's just face it, you loved that gesture mostly because he did it in front of Hailey and the territorial, irrational part of you was doing backflips.

God I don't recognize myself anymore.

“How was work? Wait, first tell me what you want to drink so I can order it for you,” Jay said immediately, an arm around your waist as he looked at you with a sweet smile on his lips. He didn't let you answer though. “You're so beautiful baby, you know that?”.

You giggled like a schoolgirl – being careful to let everyone hear you – and delicately smacking his chest before awkwardly resting your head on his shoulder, trying to hide the bright blush on your cheeks.

He laughed back and left a kiss on your forehead and that was enough to calm you down, to convince yourself he loved you, that he only wanted you, or else he wouldn't have acted so affectionately in front of her.

“What are you drinking?” You asked, feeling his arm move up from your side around your shoulders.

At that same moment a sudden flash blinded both of you for a second and as you looked up you noticed Adam taking photos of you and Jay with his cell phone with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Ruzek what the fuck!” Jay exclaimed even though he was actually laughing. He paused and then continued, “Make sure to send us those pics man.”

You burst out laughing and at that same moment, while everyone was joking around and making fun of you and Jay, but you couldn't help but glance at Hailey and notice the way her face was twisted into a serious expression while pretending to play along.

You tried not to think much of it, but it disturbed you, because it was just further evidence she had an interest in Jay that went beyond work.

“So tell me about your day baby,” Jay brought his attention back to you when the others finally decided to give both you and him some spite.

“It went well, we only had one intervention. A man stuck in a car after a car accident,” you sipped some of his beer, earning a fake look of disappointment from him, “Really bad story, but everything went well, he survived and they managed to get him to Med's in time.”

“Just because you were there, love.”

“Kiss-ass,” You rolled your eyes, giggling. “How about you? Something interesting happened?”.

What you didn't expect was for Hailey to answer for him, as if she was listening to your conversation the whole time and was just waiting for the moment to intervene. “Oh my god today was hectic. We busted a drug trade. You should’ve seen it Y/n! Jay faced I don't know how many traffickers alone! Come on Jay, tell her!”.

You tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible as you directed your gaze towards her, noticing the way she suddenly perked up and how she looked at your boyfriend.

Did she seriously intruded while you were only talking to him?

Jay on the other hand didn't notice this attitude and laughed with Hailey as they started joking about what had happened that day. They made jokes, laughed as if it was just the two of them and the way his attention had completely shifted towards her caused you quite a bit of annoyance.

You remained silent as you pretended to listen to what they were saying, trying to bite your tongue and not say anything about the fact she was practically hanging on his lips and licking his ass as she praised him.

This was enough to knock your mood into the ground and throw you back into the spiral of paranoid thoughts you managed to keep at bay for a moment.

You hated the way he joked with her, the way they laughed together. Fuck it, he didn't have to feed her illusion and you couldn't even accept how he couldn't see she was blatantly flirting with him.

Your hands were shaking with anger but you wanted to act like a mature person, you wanted to try to stay calm and not let your emotions get the better of you.

“I think I’ll leave now. Jay, can you give me a ride home please? I didn’t came here with my car”.

What? Did I hear that correctly?

You almost had a heart attack, anger now flowing through your veins.

How could she be so bold? Did she forget you were there too?

“Sure, no problem,” was Jay's response and you almost smashed his head on the table. You looked at him in dismay, now unable to keep calm and act like a mature person.

“Jay do I have to remind you I'm here? You’re really going?” you spoke as he was getting up. He looked at you with an apologetic smile, completely unaware of the fact you were furious. You didn't care if they heard you, you didn't care about making a scene.

“But I'm not leaving baby, I'll just take her home and come right back here.” He pressed a kiss to your lips before leaving the bar with her.

You were so angry you couldn't say anything except watch them from afar.

You couldn't believe it.

This was fucking unbelievable.

You looked from the now closed door to Adam, who was sitting in front of you looking at you with frowning eyes and a surprised and confused expression.

“Wow…” you managed to let out, the humiliation forcing you to run your hands over your face for a moment, elbows resting on the table.

“Hey it's okay, calm down,” he tried to reassure you.

“Adam am I seeing things? Is this just my imagination?” You looked at him, still stunned.

He didn't respond but shook his head slightly, effectively answering your question. “But not from his side,” he pointed out “He only has eyes for you Y/n, believe me, but I can't deny this shit isn’t ridiculous.”

“I'm going home.” You blurted out, standing up and not listening to Adam, and then Kim, who tried to calm you down and convince you to stay.

But you couldn't think straight, not at that moment.

Your boyfriend had left you at a bar to give a ride to the female colleague who was actually crazy about him in a way everyone had noticed except for him, without even trying to ask if you wanted to go too or if it was okay with you.

You were so angry, so furious as you had been a few other times in your life, wanting nothing more than to smash something. You hated her, you hated him, you hated yourself for feeling that way.

You hated everything.

When Jay returned to Molly's after about twenty minutes, confusion appeared on his face as he immediately noticed you were no longer sitting at the table as he expected. He approached his friends, not ignoring the dirty looks they gave him.

“Where is Y/n?”.

Kim glared at him, making no effort to show the irritation towards him. “She's gone.”

“What? Why?”.

“Why? Are you fucking serious Jay?” Adam intervened, causing an even more confused expression to appear on his friend's face. His heart was pounding as he thought of every scenario, thinking you hadn't been feeling well.

“What's going on guys?”.

“You're so damn stupid,” Kevin scolded him, sharing the thoughts of his friends. “That was fucked up man.”

“What part of your brain convinced you that taking another woman – who casually has a crush on you – to her house and leaving your girlfriend here was a good idea? Do you understand how absurd this is? She was more mature than me, I would’ve kicked you in your balls,” Kim continued.

Fucking hell.

He realized he screwed everything up really, really badly this time. Without responding to those words, he immediately ran out of the bar, intending to rush to your house.

That night he tried to apologize and make up for it but you didn't want to talk about it and closed the door in his face when he showed up at your house. You didn't care if you seemed exaggerated, or even crazy, you didn't want to give in and you weren't going to let him disrespect you like that.

You completely ignored him for two days, not responding to any of his calls or texts, still too angry to seek a mature confrontation. When you thought you had calmed down, the memory of Jay leaving the bar with Hailey was enough to make you go back to being even more furious than before.

You understood the problem you had was much deeper than you would’ve ever wanted to admit and what hurt you most was not being understood by him.

You spoke with an open heart, you shouted at him and he understood the mistake he had made, promising you he’d try to fix it and stay away from these situations.

This wasn't the case though, in fact this was just one of numerous arguments you and Jay had over the topic of ‘Hailey’. You didn't feel reassured and his attitude did nothing but fuel your unease, making you feel even crazier than you thought.

On the other hand, you understood he too must have gotten tired of arguing about the same things so this contributed to making your relationship with him deteriorate considerably, the lack of trust he perceived made everything even worse.

The breaking point, however, came one morning and from there nothing was the same as before.

That morning you woke up to Jay's cell phone ringing. You had spent the night before together as he stayed over.

“Jay…” you murmured in your sleep, covering your ears to stop hearing that damn ringing. “Who the hell calls this early?”.

Jay removed the arm wrapped around your hip and let out a groan before propping himself up on his elbow and picking up his cell phone, answering the call without even checking who it was. “Halstead”.

You couldn't hear who it was but you turned to him, now giving him your full attention, wide awake.

“Oh yeah I forgot…” he said, rubbing a hand over his face before taking the cell phone away from his ear for a moment and checking the time “Yeah… I know it’s late. I’ll be there in half an hour. Okay. See you later.”

He ended the call before placing his phone on the nightstand and sighing.

“Who was it?” You asked as he stood up.

“I forgot I have breakfast with Hailey…”

Just hearing that name was enough to make your blood boil.

What the fuck?

You couldn't stand her anymore, why was she always around? Why did she always have to interfere? And why the fuck did Jay always have to run to her?

“Jay are you fucking serious?” You exploded, hair standing on end in anger as you jumped up from the bed.

He picked up his pants from the floor, starting to put them on and button them. “I know baby, but I completely forgot it but it's for work I swear or…”

“Work? What kind of ‘work’ is necessary for you to go have breakfast with her? You really think I'm that stupid Jay?!”

“Of course not! What the hell are you even talking about Y/n? I wouldn't even have told you if I had something to hide!”.

“Do you realize what you're doing? Do you realize how you always run to her every time she calls you?! You were in bed with me just five seconds ago and now you're going to her!”.

“I just told you it's for work! We have to go on an undercover mission and we just need to discuss the details Y/n stop implying things that don’t even exist!”.

You ran your hands over your face, frustrated and angry as ever as you watched him put on the shirt.

“Work doesn't tell you to always be up her ass Jay!”.

He looked at you like you had just grown a second head after hearing one of the craziest things in his life. “What the fuck are you even saying? Do you hear yourself when you talk? You realize how ridiculous that sounds? I don’t care about her why are you saying this?!”.

“And of course I'm ridiculous now, great! My boyfriend gets out of bed to go have breakfast with someone else he knew I fucking despise and I'm ridiculous! I'm fucking tired of this relationship and I'm fucking tired of always having her around Jay what the fuck can’t you understand that?!”.

Your words hit him like a tsunami.

I’m tired of this relationship.

Jay felt a sinking sensation in his chest, as if all the air had suddenly been sucked from his lungs. He was silent for a moment, his jaw clenched as he tried not to let the pain caused by those few simple word overwhelm him.

“You’re tired Y/n? You’re fucking tired?!” He almost shouted. “How the fuck do you think I feel when all we talk about is Hailey? You don't talk about anything else! You don't realize how obsessed you have become!”.

“Don't you dare blame me!” You yelled furiously through clenched teeth, pointing a finger at him as you continued to look at each other as if you were both ready to jump on your necks. Your eyes glare at the other, sending lightning and bolts full of anger and resentment. “We wouldn't be in this fucking situation if you had shown me some respect, if you had set boundaries with her! You seem to care more about her than me! Jesus, you know how all this shit makes me feel, you know how much all of this hurts me but you don't seem to give a fuck!”.

“That’s absolutely unbelievable, I can’t even believe how you’re doubting my feeling for you, how can you say something like that? I only have eyes for you Y/n! The whole world knows it, everyone sees it except you! You’re just choosing to let your weird obsession take over everything else.”

“Maybe you’re just shit at proving it because trust me leaving your fucking girlfriend to go have breakfast with another woman doesn’t seem a great way to show her your love!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”. He clenched his hands into fists to try to maintain the tiny bit of calm he had left, pressing his nails hard against the skin of his palms to vent his anger.

“Yes Jay, I'm fucking serious!”.

“What the fuck are you doing with me then if that's what you think?! Since apparently I can't give you anything and you’re so fucking ungrateful you can't see the good things I do for you!”.

“What the fuck are you doing Jay huh?! Tell me! Is going to Hailey as soon as she calls you a good thing you do for me? Is this how you do it? Flash news my dear, that's not how this fucking works!”.

“I'm not fucking doing anything that’s the damn point! How the hell am I supposed to tell you she's just a colleague and I don't give a shit about her or anyone else but you! Why the fuck do you have so little faith in me!”.

“Because I don't trust you Jay! You really think an ‘I love you’ thrown in every now and then and a bouquet of flowers will fix everything? No it doesn't work like that, you don't solve the problems by just showing a fake reassurance that only lasts a couple of days!”.

“I will have to model myself for her majesty then, to be at her complete pleasure since…-”

You interrupted him. “For fucks sake Jay stop playing the victim! You don't get to do it, you have no right! You're the one going somewhere else what the fuck do you expect from me? Waiting for you with open arms? I'm not ungrateful, maybe you're just a shitty ass boyfriend who can't show me that he cares about me!” You screamed, throwing out everything you had kept inside for a long, long time, regardless of the destroyed and furious expression with which he was looking at you. “You show no respect for me, for my feelings, you don't give a fuck about what I tell you and that’s not even the first time I’m telling you this! It's not the first time I've told you how much this situation hurts me!”.

“Didn't it cross your mind, Y/n, that maybe you're the fucking problem here? That you're so fucking obsessed with that bitch you can't see anything else? That you're just a fucking child and all you can do is whine and whine and whine! You're making my life a living hell with your luck of trust! Every fucking day is a fight about something! You're always so needy, nothing is ever okay with you! Everything I do is wrong!”.

You took a step back at the sound of those words, as if to create a distance between you two. A pain radiated through your chest as your eyes stung while you continued to look at him. You fought with all your being not to let it go, you refused to cry in front of him.

You had come to the realization that maybe you weren't meant to be together, that taking your friendship to the next step was a mistake, you shouldn't have let your feelings get in the way and in that moment you realized that nothing between you would ever be the same.

You looked at each other, furious, both hurt by the words you had said. You looked at each other as if you didn't know each other, as if you were each other's worst enemy and this broke your heart.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” You ordered in a low, trembling tone, a stark contrast to the screams that had been filling the room just moments before. “It's over.”

Did he hear that right?

It’s over.

He was shocked. Getting hit by a bullet would’ve hurt less. He never once thought in his life that hearing you say those words would hurt so damn much, he actually never thought he’d hear those words at all. He swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling it close and his breath catch, his eyes filling with tears.

“Get out!” You screamed again, your voice cracking from crying. You turned to the window, hands on your face as you waited for him to leave.

You didn't want to see him anymore.

You didn't want him there anymore.

You jumped when you heard the front door slam shut, making a deafening noise. At that precise moment you felt as if all your strength had abandoned your limbs and you fell to the ground, bringing your legs to your chest and crying like you had never done before.

You tried to think through everything that had happened.

You and Jay broke up.

You couldn't believe it, although you knew that moment would come sooner or later.

You had just broke up with the love of your life and felt like the world was collapsing on you. You never wanted it to come to this, damn it, that man was the most beautiful person you'd ever met, you imagined your whole life with him, how could it all be over? How did you end up like this?

Why couldn’t he understand you? Why didn't he try to do it? Why couldn't he see how much you were hurting and how much it hurt to not see any reassurance from him? After all this was what you wanted, just a little reassurance.

You hated him and you hated yourself because despite everything you would’ve taken a bullet rather than see him suffer but you had reached breaking point, you couldn't continue like that.

You loved him so damn much and hated him with same intensity.

You cried all the tears you had in your body, until it was physically impossible for you to expel any more and you remained in that position, sitting on the ground for a time you couldn't quantify.

However, you knew that unfortunately you couldn't stay there forever and that, despite your broken heart, you had a job to do.

As soon as you set foot in the fire station all your colleagues immediately noticed something was wrong. Your eyes were puffy, visible from a mile away even though you were staring at the ground, your posture tense.

You went to your locker and put down the bag with your things inside it, trying with all your being not to cry again. You were at work, you had to be efficient and personal problems had to be left out.

“Y/n, honey, are you okay?” Stella's voice caught your attention but you didn't look at her, you couldn't do it or you would’ve collapsed. You were holding on to the only bit of strength you had to keep from bursting into tears.

“I’m fine.“

“It doesn't seem like it…”

“I'm fine dammit!” You exclaimed loudly, slamming your locker shut and making her jump in fright. You looked at her and a wave of guilt washed over you. “I'm sorry Stel-…” your voice broke as you burst into tears, covering your face with your hands so she wouldn't look at you.

She immediately hugged you and you cried in her arms as she held you and reassured you with all the warmth and affection she had. “Oh darling it's okay, you're not alone, everything will be okay.” She caressed your back and then your hair, while you let yourself go for the second time in less than an hour into one of the most desperate cry of your existence.

Your heart felt torn, completely shattered, as if they had taken it from your chest with their bare hands and dug their nails into it.

“It's okay, I'm here with you, cry as long as you want.”

You had an abyss inside, a storm that was overwhelming you painfully like you never thought it was possible. You didn't believe it was possible to feel such pain, you didn't believe you could even think of suffocating.

And if you were desperate, Jay had reacted in a totally different way.

He was furious.

So angry.

He had never felt something like this, he thought he might explode with anger.

He was angry at you, at himself, at the whole entire world.

It was as if something had flipped a switch inside him, because he could no longer think clearly. After leaving your apartment he didn't know how he managed to get back to his house without getting into an accident, all the way his body was driving but his soul seemed lost, his mind elsewhere.

He slammed the door so hard the noise reverberated throughout the house.

What the fuck had happened? How the fuck did you get to that point? How did you two manage to go from sleeping together the previous night to breaking up the next morning?

It's over.

Your words continued to echo in his brain, repeating over and over again as if he was listening to a broken record.

How could you have done that? How could you have left him?

He was so fucking furious.

“Fuck!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, not even caring if the neighbors could hear him. He would’ve punched anyone who dared to approach him at that moment.

He didn't know how or when it had happened but in the grip of blind fury he found himself breaking any object he came across, throwing vases against the wall, chairs, glasses, anything. The deafening silence in that apartment was broken only by the sound of his heavy and uncontrolled breathing mixed with the crashing of objects against the walls.

This wasn't enough though, he wasn't even able to partially calm the anger he felt.

“Fuck everything! Fuck you!” He screamed again as if you were in front of him.

It's over.

Why?

Jay couldn't give himself an answer. He knew things weren't going well for a while but he’d never, ever, ever imagine leaving you. He wanted to face everything with you, any kind of obstacle, because he wanted it to work, because since he had met you and even when you were just friends he hadn’t doubted for a second you weren’t the woman of his life.

He had said horrible things. Things he didn't even think.

You hadn't ruined his existence, on the contrary, his life would probably have ended in the abyss if he had never met you.

He was shocked.

He didn't want to believe it, he just couldn’t.

He was sure everything would be resolved, your love couldn't just end that way. He hadn't spent years pining for you only to lose you like that, just because of a misunderstanding.

His cell phone rang but he didn't pay attention to it as his shining eyes looked at his half-destroyed apartment.

He had to get out of there, he needed to distract himself as he couldn't stay in that damn room where everything reminded him of you, where everything screamed your name. Hell, if he closed his eyes he could hear your laughter filling his apartment as he chased you one night after you stole the bag of chips he was happily eating.

By the time he arrived at the district the intense anger had somehow subsided even though he was in no condition to do anything as his mind was completely elsewhere.

He had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes when he saw Hailey sitting on his desk. It was her fault and he was hating her for it.

Inside he actually knew this wasn’t true, it was only his fault for not being able to do things differently and yours for not trusting him enough but he wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Halstead where the hell have you been?! I waited for you for more than half an hour!”.

Just hearing her voice was enough to make him go back to the anger he had so difficultly tried to suppress. He didn't have the strength or desire to put up with anyone, especially not at that moment when everything in his life seemed to be falling apart.

“Hailey don't start this bullshit okay? God I can't stand you anymore just leave me the fuck alone! And find yourself another fucking partner from now on I’ve had enough of this shit!”.

Jay's loud voice made Voight leave his office but he didn't care just as he didn't care about the shocked expression with which she looked at him, not expecting that outburst in the slightest.

“What is going on here?” Voight's gravely voice echoed through the unit.

Jay gave him a look and without another word he left, ignoring his boss' voice calling out for him. He was walking down the stairs when he bumped into Kevin.

“Hey man dammit! Woah, are you okay?” Kevin asked, stopping in his steps and getting worried when he noticed the frantic way Jay was walking. He didn't answer him, ignoring Kevin completely as he continued towards the exit of the district.

He couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with this.

He couldn't function if you weren't there.

How was he supposed to do it?

-

The two months following the breakup were one of the hardest Jay had to face. Since you had met years ago that was the first time you hadn't spoken and to say he felt like shit was an understatement.

Some would’ve thought the reaction was exaggerated since you’ve been together for just few months, but Jay had loved you long before he even confessed his feelings for you. You had entered his life like a hurricane and now that you left he felt empty.

Empty.

Lost.

That's how he felt.

And not even these words could remotely describe how he actually felt. He was so used to having you in his life, to sharing everything with you, than even after two months he could resign himself to your breakup.

The anger had subsided but it was still there, no longer towards you – or rather only in a small part – but above all towards himself.

He was angry with you because he couldn't accept how you had given up so quickly at the first big obstacle. But then again, who was he kidding, you had every reason to do it and this was the reason why he, on the other hand, was furious with himself.

After the initial shock, as time passed, Jay had reflected on everything that had happened and what had led to the breakup and, also after speaking with his friends and brother, he realized how many mistakes he had done and how right you were saying he had been a shitty boyfriend.

He had disrespected you by not considering your feelings, he had neglected them thinking every problem would just go away on its own.

He had accused you of being irrational, oppressive and he had never realized how harmful these things were, not trying to really reflect on why were acting like that.

But it was too late.

You only realize you had something important only when you lose it, this was so true.

He mistakenly hadn't given enough importance to your feelings, your thoughts, your fears. He hadn't reassured you enough when you expressed your fears, he hadn't done what was necessary to make you go to sleep peacefully at night and he would’ve cursed himself forever for this.

He was hurting but he knew it was nothing compared to what you had been through with his carelessness and superficiality for so long, so he deserved to suffer. It's true, he deserved it – he thought – but every morning he woke up and wondered when it would end, when that emptiness would go way, when that constant sensation of his lungs being compressed and not being able to breathe would stop.

Talking to Adam one time, he pointed out Jay was wrong for not to setting boundaries with Hailey even though their relationship had always been like this even when you and him were still friends.

“We all noticed how Hailey was looking for every opportunity to get close to you man so I'm sorry to say but everything that happened was your fault. You’re like a brother to me you know this, but Y/n has every reason to be furious with you, you should’ve set some boundaries and shouldn't have never let her think another person comes before her. I don't blame her for breaking up with you.”

These words made Jay open his eyes, although ever since that day when he made that outburst against Hailey in the unit he had relaxed their partnership to the bare minimum after asking Voight to change partner. He no longer spoke to her except for work, he no longer went out when she was around, he didn't answer any calls or messages and god only knew how much he wanted to call you to tell you that but he also knew it was too late to fix it since he should’ve done this much sooner.

He thought about how he would’ve felt if the roles had been reversed and he didn't have to think twice about the fact that he would’ve reacted even worse than you did. This obviously only made him feel worse.

The question he asked himself two months ago was never answered.

Jay didn't know how to function without you. He didn't know how to exist in a world where you weren't part of it.

He couldn't sleep well anymore without you beside him and even though two months had passed, every night he found himself looking at the photos of you two and, God, how much he would’ve paid to go back to those moments and be able to relive them.

His gaze landed on one of the pictures Adam took at Molly's the fucking night when he decided giving Hailey a ride home would be a smart thing to do. God, on second thought if he could just go back in time – not giving a shit about seeming mean and insensitive – he would’ve even let her walk in the rain and snow if it meant having you with him again.

A bitter smile played on his lips as his vision blurred with tears. He had cried so much in those past months, more than he’d ever want to admit, and there were countless times where he called Will to come over and always ended up crying in front of him.

Fuck he missed you so much.

How was it possible to want someone so bad? How was it possible to miss someone so much he felt like he was dying everyday even after two months?

He sniffled as he paid attention to the photo again. You were so beautiful and seemed so carefree. He had his arm around your shoulders and you had half your face buried in his chest as you both laughed about something he couldn’t remember.

Jay struggled to recognize himself.

He didn't remember what it was like to be so happy anymore, to smile so much his jaw hurt, to feel his heart full of joy. By now he no longer smiled, if it wasn't for the strained and fake smiles he addressed to colleagues and friends from time to time.

He was so fucking happy with you and he had let slip the only source of such happiness, the only person who had ever managed to make him almost touch the sky with a finger.

He wiped away a tear that had slipped down his cheek as his finger traced the outline of your figure imprinted in the picture. This was all he had left. Just some photos and videos.

You were so beautiful, the most gorgeous woman his eyes had ever had the pleasure of laying on and the way you smiled in those photos, God, your smile was breathtaking.

The movie played in the background as he continued to look back at all the photos and videos of you he had saved in his gallery for the millionth time. He would’ve let someone rip his organs out with bare hands and let them being sold on the black market if it meant having you back.

He wanted nothing more than to go back to those happy and carefree times, to those moments he seemed to take for granted.

What would he have done to be able to make you laugh like that again, to hug you so hard until he took your breath away. What would he have given to have you back with him, to be able to open the car door for you, to hear you sing all the songs you knew on the radio or to be able to take you to your favorite restaurant and watch you stuff yourself with food with your eyes shining with joy until you exploded.

What he would’ve given to see you watch your favorite movie a thousand more times and be moved every single time while he hugged you and dried the tears you always denied having.

What would he even give to see you so grumpy and sad when your period was about to come but how that nervousness instantly disappeared and how your face lit up the moment he went to your house with a bag full of chocolate and junk food.

What would he have given to be able to sleep beside you again, to be able to cradle you in his arms and whisper sweet words until you fell asleep when you weren't sleepy or when, on the contrary, you denied you were sleepy but ended up falling asleep literally three minutes later . What would he have given to open his eyes in the morning and see you lying next to him, with only the sheet covering your body, to see your hair scattered on the pillow and some strands in front of your face, or feel your scent invade his nostrils every time you were close to him.

And, damn it, he would’ve given anything to even take back your cooking and your terribly prepared dishes. He missed going to your house and seeing the kitchen upside down with literally all the dirty dishes and pots. God, you were a terrible cook but he loved so much the immense effort you put into cooking something you knew he loved and yet he still ate whatever you made for him with a smile on his face, not admitting the food was overcooked or raw or even charred, just so he could see the look of pure joy on your face as he ate it.

He had never left a single plate full.

And that was the difference between you and him.

You always tried hard for him, you always tried to improve, to bite the bullet even if you didn't like something just so as not to bother him. You did it until you reached your breaking point and he understood this, even if it was too late.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

The guilt was eating him alive. He couldn't accept in any way the most beautiful things that ever happened to him had ended that way and above all because of him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about you.

What were you doing? Were you thinking of him? Did you miss him? How were you?

It had been two fucking months since he had seen you, that he hadn't heard from you even though he had tried several times to call you and text you even though – understandably – you had never replied to him. He went to your house so many times he couldn’t count them but every single time before knocking on your door he’d froze, not knowing what to do and fearing your reaction. So he turned and walked away, not sparing himself crying like a three-year-old.

He had asked his friends with whom you had kept in touch about you but they said it wasn't their place to say things that concerned you since you two have broken up and that he had to stop hurting himself and take the matter in his hands.

Jay had stopped going out, his life was now home-work work-home. He didn't even know how he managed to do his job, let alone think about going out and sitting at a bar.

The truth was that he was scared as hell.

He was afraid to see you again, he was afraid to look at you and know you no longer gave a fuck about him, he was afraid of how he’d react after so long without seeing you.

He jumped when he heard someone knocking on the door and quickly wiped away his tears, locking the phone and throwing it on the couch before getting up and going to see who it was.

Oh, and the cell phone was new obviously. He didn't want to think back to how he had destroyed the old one by throwing it furiously against the wall.

“Will what are you doing here?” Jay asked as he opened the door and let his brother in, closing it behind him.

“Go get dressed, we’re going out.”

“I'm not going anywhere, I'm watching a movie.” He sat back on the couch, looking at the TV even though he didn't even remember the name of the movie.

“It wasn't a request Jay. I've had enough of seeing you like this. You have to take your life into your own hands, aren't you tired of this?”

Jay rolled his eyes. “Will just leave me alone please, I don't want to go out.”

Will walked over and took the remote control before turning off the TV and placing it back on the coffee table. “Like I said, it wasn't a request. Go get dressed, let's go to a bar for a drink and we are not going Molly's don't worry. You need to get out Jay, you've been doing nothing but staying inside the house for two months.”

“Will… I swear to God,” Jay scolded, feeling his anger and irritation grow more and more.

“No brother, listen to me. I know it hurts, I can only imagine how much but it's time you start to move on. I know you still love her but it's full of people out there you might know. She left you and it was probably for the best...”

Jay didn't even let him finish his sentence.

He suddenly got up and grabbed him by the shirt, seething with anger and refraining from giving him a punch just because he was his brother.

“If you know what's best for you, don't even dare to finish the sentence,” he spat through clenched teeth and Will nodded, knowing he was in no condition to think clearly. Jay let him go but the anger was still there.

“Jay, listen I'm sorry…”

“No fuck you! How can you think it’s better this way? How could you say that! She is the best for me, if it’s not her I don't want anyone else. After all this time, you know what I’ve been through since we were just friend, you know how I won't be able to love anyone like I love her so stop trying to pair me with someone every fucking opportunity you get, I'm sick of it!”.

Will nodded, feeling guilty for pushing his brother so hard. “I’m sorry Jay, you’re right I went too far but I’m just worried about you. I hate seeing you this way and I wasn't kidding about taking back your life. You can't keep going like this,” he said “Let's at least go have a drink and get some fresh air, I promise I won't say anything else.”

So this was how Jay found himself sitting at a bar he had never been to before with his brother – who had also invited other friends besides those from the unit – regretting the fucking moment he agreed with that shit.

Hailey was there too but he didn't even say hello to her or gave her single glance. He didn't care although he knew she had nothing to do with it but he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her.

Don't blame others for your bullshit and for not being able to keep your girlfriend, his conscience added.

Jay ended up drinking and getting drunk until he couldn't stand without help. He wasn't the type to drink but in that moment he would’ve done anything to just stop thinking about you even for just a minute. But the thing was that even when he was drunk he couldn't stop blurting out your name and not think about you, so this was no use.

Will ended up letting him sleep at his house, not feeling like leaving him alone, a chasm in his heart while looking at his brother reduced to that state and not being able to do anything to help him.

“Oh Y/n what have you done do to my brother,” he sighed before casting one last glance at Jay asleep on the bed in the guest room before closing the door behind him.

But if only Will had known what conditions you were in too, he would’ve asked this same question to you.

What have Jay done to you?

In the two months after the breakup, not a day had gone by without not wanting him back and cry in his arms, telling him you regretted leaving him.

It was hard, damn it was, but you had to be strong.

You didn't know how you didn't give in but no matter how much you loved him, no matter how much your heart ached agonizingly, you couldn't go back, not if there was no change.

You believed that at least after the break up he’d try to fight for your relationship, that he’d demonstrate he loved you as much as he professed but you started to wonder if it was even true or not.

The passing of those two months could be compared to riding a roller coaster. One day you were angry like never before, another you seemed to feel better, another you had to ask for a work leave because you had spent the night crying all the tears you had in your body until you didn't even have the strength to get up the next morning.

You had also discovered that alcohol could be a good companion but after three weeks of continuous drinking and you calling some of your friends in tears, you realized it really wasn't that good and it made you think of Jay more than you normally did. You lost count of the number of times your friends had taken your cell phone from you to prevent you from calling Jay in your drunken state.

But you missed that bastard son of a bitch so much.

And you hated yourself because you couldn't hate him even when he had made you suffer.

You asked yourself so many times if it had been the right decision, if you hadn't made it too hastily, letting yourself be guided solely by your negative emotions.

No, your conscience quickly intervened when these thoughts crept into your mind.

You had already spoken up to him many times, you had explained to him how uncomfortable his friendship with Hailey made you feel but he had decided to ignore your words and not give importance to them. All of this hurt you so damn much, especially knowing he didn't care enough like you thought he did.

It didn't matter how much you had to suffer, this wasn’t what you wanted for yourself.

You didn't want to have to beg for his attention, you didn't want to have to tearfully tell him every single time how bad the way he talked and laughed with her made you feel or how ignored you felt sometimes. You wanted a carefree love, you wanted a love where the person next to you took you above all others, a love where your man saw no other person but you, you wanted a love so intense you had to be the center of his world.

And you really thought you won the lottery with Jay.

He was the perfect man for you, or at least he had been for the first few months. God what would you have given to relive those times. They were pure heaven, you felt like you were constantly floating on clouds, almost exploding with happiness. You really felt like the center of his world and you wondered what had happened, why everything had fallen apart.

Maybe you were too pretentious, maybe you lived too much on fairy tales and romance novels, maybe you were destined to be alone and not meet anyone who’d give you what you wanted. Maybe you had to settle down and lower your expectations.

But no, damn it, you’d didn’t want to do that.

You’d never settle for a mediocre love or a person who gave you the bare minimum, even if it meant dying alone.

You knew Jay was and would forever be the one and only, you wouldn’t be able to love anyone like you loved him.

“Y/n you still there?” Stella's voice brought you back to reality.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just… A little bit lost in my thoughts.”

You and Stella were taking a walk in the park after your shift, even though it was cold. You had initially refused, wanting nothing more than to go home and cry yourself to sleep as you looked at the photos of you with Jay and regretted the love you had probably lost forever. But Stella didn't want to listen and you had to thank her. You wouldn't have known what to do if she hadn't been there in those two months. She had truly become your rock.

“Don't worry, I get it,” she replied with a sweet smile on her face. “You want to tell me what were you thinking about?”.

“No, I don't really want to talk about it, I've already stressed you out enough with this whole thing,” you said, putting your frozen hands in your jacket’s pockets. There was almost no one in that park if it hadn't been for a few passers-by who were taking their dog for a walk.

Autumn had already begun, the trees were mostly almost all bare from their leaves and you couldn't help but feel like them. Empty, bare, devoid of any emotion other than a sense of loss and profound sadness.

I hate you Jay Halstead.

And I also love you so damn much.

“Y/n I told you a thousand times not to keep things inside, I'm here and I’ll happily listen to you, don't think for a second you can be a burden to me.”

You turned to her and gave her a smile, perhaps one of the only sincere ones you'd given in the last two months. You felt your eyes fill with tears and you cursed yourself for feeling so emotional, how you seemed to do anything but cry at the smallest thing.

She understood you instantly, even when you looked away from her and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, giving you an encouraging hug.

You let out a sigh as the cold air prickled your face, immediately wiping away a lone tear that slid down your cheek.

“I don’t know Stella, I’m so confused…” you started to speak “I miss him so much and I… I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.”

“I know you miss him, it's natural Y/n. Don't pressure yourself about this, give yourself time to get over it, it's only been two months,” she paused for a moment, giving you a look, “But you don't want to get over it, do you?”.

How did she know exactly how you felt?

You nodded feebly, feeling terribly stupid.

“I don't want to go on without him, I don't know how to do it... He made me feel like shit and all I can think about is that I’d love nothing more than for him to knock on my door,” you spoke, giving voice to your thoughts “I feel so stupid because I should be mad at him and fuck I am, I wish he had fought for us, I wish he hadn't limited himself to few stupid calls and texts, I wish he had listened to me when I talked to him about our problems, but… God, at the same time if he came back I know I’d go back to him in a heartbeat because I don't know how to be without him...” tears were now streaming down your face and Stella listened to you carefully while she continued to keep her arm around your shoulder. “Am I being crazy?”.

“Oh darling, of course you aren’t. Like I said, it is more than normal, in fact I’d be worried if you didn't feel this way.”

“Was I stupid to leave him?”.

“No, you did the right thing if that’s what you felt, I would probably have done the same thing if Kelly did this or worse. Even if you love Jay to death that doesn't mean you have to spend your relationship feeling anxious every time you see him with Hailey or constantly worrying that something might happen between the two of them, or asking him to spend time with you and take you on dates or something like that. It's best to set the record straight from the start, if there's one thing you shouldn't do it's keep it all inside you. Just know that sooner or later you will explode and believe me, if you had done this the outcome would’ve been far worse.”

“I know, I know… You’re right,” you sighed “But when will this end?” you sniffed at the same time she handed you a tissue.

“I wish I could answer that Y/n, but unfortunately this is love. It's beautiful and ugly, it's joy and pain. I always thought love and hate were two sides of the same coin and it doesn't take much to erase the line between them,” she sighed, feeling sorry for you.

“Well, love sucks right now.”

You both let out a laugh and you dried you tears, again. “Trust me honey I know but… Can I tell you what I think?”.

“Yes, please.”

“I think if fate wants it, it’ll bring you back together. Darling, you two broke up not because the love ended but because you reached the breaking point after so much tension and arguments. I’m one hundred percent sure that everything happened between you was due to communication problems: he didn't fully understand your problems and you didn't have the patience to make him understand them,” she softly spoke.

“Unfortunately, you have to understand you’re two different people honey and as such you have different thoughts and views of life so what’s important for you doesn’t mean it will be as much as important for him and vice versa. He wasn’t good at understanding this and I think this was his fault; he had to put himself in your shoes, and you couldn't take it the fact he didn’t immediately get why his relationship with Hailey – along with other issues – made you feel the way you felt,” she took a pause while you listened with meticulous attention to every single word.

“He was superficial, this is true, but his problem didn't come from this. Think for a second how it must’ve felt to be constantly accused of something that I myself am certain isn’t the truth, to feel the lack of trust from the person you love,” she continued to speak as you both kept waking slowly.

“Y/n that man lives and breathes for you, his heart beats for no one but you, I see the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you when you’re not there. I saw the way he’s struggling right now and I’m very sure if you called him this very moment he’d be here begging you on his knees to come back with him. I’m not on his side though, like I said, I really think you guys just had communication issues and you need a little more patience with each other. I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing, on the contrary, I think this breakup however painful, could be the turning point for you and I'm one hundred percent sure you’ll get back together, just mark my words.”

-

You spent the following weekend locked in your house avoiding any social interaction.

You did nothing but think over and over again about Stella's words during your walk and you would’ve been lying if you said the idea of calling Jay or going to him hadn't crossed your mind more intensely than before.

You didn't do it though, fear and pride blocking you.

What if he had moved on? What if he had already forgotten about you? What if he hooked up with Hailey?

No, no, no, fuck no.

These questions continued to haunt you and were what stopped you from doing something stupid. You wouldn't have been able to bear it, you weren't ready to know this and probably never would’ve been.

It had been two months since you had seen him or heard from him but every time you wanted to ask your friends about him you stopped yourself out of pure selfishness, because you were afraid of the answer. You knew if they answered those unexpressed questions and make your fears reality, it would’ve killed you. You’d never recover, no matter how dramatic and absurd that sounded.

Selfishly speaking, you hoped he was feeling as shitty as you were, just because that would’ve meant he still cared about you and that you were still somewhere in his mind like he was constantly in yours.

Monday came slowly and you were never so grateful for it, feared that if you were left alone with your mind another day you’d shoot your brain out with a rifle.

You entered the shower with the intention of washing yourself quickly, trying to ignore the memories of the ones you took with Jay.

“God please, stop,” you whispered to yourself. Why didn’t it get easier? Why couldn't you do anything without some fucking thing reminding you of him? Why couldn't you just forget?

You burst into tears, letting them mix with the tap water that wet your face. You leaned against the cold tiles, as you sobbed into your hands covering your face.

You couldn't take it anymore.

It was getting unbearable.

You placed a hand at your heart level, feeling how it was beating wildly. Your chest rose and fell rapidly and as numerous sobs came out of your mouth and copious tears from your eyes, you started to feel the horrible sensation of not being able to breathe, as if the walls had suddenly started to close around you.

You were familiar with that feeling unfortunately, it wasn't the first time it had happened to you in those last two months and all you could do was just let it happen, sit on the ground and wait for it to pass.

And that was exactly what you did, sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit your back until it got cold and you calmed down.

When you arrived at work you felt like a zombie.

You hadn't had breakfast, your twisted stomach prevented you from being able to swallow any food, and you felt rather weak.

Absurdly you hoped there would be an accident, a fire, any kind of thing that would allow you to keep your mind occupied for at least a few hours.

And for once in your life, fate seemed to follow your will.

Your team was called to the scene of an accident that very morning, a couple of hours after you arrived at the fire station. It was a road accident, a car had crashed into a guardrail and the victim was trapped in the vehicle.

When you arrived at the crime scene it started raining, making that shitty day even shittier.

You didn't have time to think about the rain, you had a person to save but it made the job even more difficult. The car was completely destroyed in the front and there were pieces of glass from the car windows and braking marks on the asphalt, making you wonder how fast the driver was going to end up in that state. You were even surprised he was still alive.

“Hey buddy just hang on okay? We'll get you out of there, just hold on for a few minutes and don't make sudden movements,” you tried to reassure him, slightly leaning forward so you could look at him. The driver was a boy who couldn’t have exceeded the age of twenty and he was about to have a panic attack. You didn't blame him though, no one would want to be in that situation.

“Get me out of here!” He kept screaming.

You and the other firefighters on the scene worked together to get the victim out of the car which was now reduced to a pile of scrap that looked more like a can of tuna.

You managed to get him out of the car but not before putting a collar around his neck to stabilize the cervical vertebrae in case they were fractured. You and your colleague, Alex, removed him from the car and immediately placed him on the stretcher, locking the straps around his body.

Even though he was almost out of danger, the stranger continued to move, shouting to let him go.

“Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me! It's okay, you're safe now. They’ll take you to the hospital where they’ll treat you okay?” You tried for the umpteenth time to calm the boy down before looking at the paramedics and nodding at them, signing they could finally transport the victim on the ambulance.

“Y/n! Come here!” Alex's voice caught your attention and you joined him towards the crashed car.

“Am I tripping or does this look like blood?” He asked, pointing to the rear trunk which was closed and from which streams of what certainly appeared to be blood were coming out.

“Holy shit,” you let out and you both exchanged a worried look. “Take the crowbar.���

With no small amount of ease you managed to open the trunk and nothing could have prepared you for what you found yourselves facing.

“Fuck!” “Oh shit!” You and Alex exclaimed almost at the same time, covering your noses from the nauseating smell that had hit you right in the face, simultaneously taking steps backwards.

There was a fucking dead body in the trunk of that car and in that moment you understood why the driver was so agitated and in a hurry to run away.

“Call the police.”

It was the Intelligence who intervened at the crime scene and it wasn't even necessary to say you were a bundle of nerves. Your stomach was churning in anxiety as you tried to stay calm, the thought of having to see Jay again almost made you throw up.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw Antonio arrive alone, fuck, you weren't ready to face Jay, not on the crime scene where you had found a body.

“Mornin’ guys. So what do we have here?” Antonio asked as soon as he greeted you and Alex. He gave you a longer look than usual, giving you a smile that screamed pity and sorrow.

God, did you look that bad?

Alex explained the situation and everything that happened while you listened. The rain was incessant and by now all your hair was sticking to your forehead even though it was tied up in a ponytail. The cold was almost unbearable even though you were wearing your uniform jacket which was quite heavy.

You were talking to Antonio after Alex got back to your other colleagues when you saw him and you almost had a heart attack.

Jay.

You froze in place, feeling all your muscles suddenly atrophy and paralyze. You blinked several times, fearing you were having a hallucination.

“Y/n? You okay?” Antonio's voice reached your ears very far away, your attention focused on the only person who had ever made your heart beat so fast you feared it’d stop.

You know when you hear in a movie the characters say time stops when they see the person they love?

You had always thought it was just a cliché thing but in that moment you really realized how truth that statement was.

Everything seemed to disappear, rain evaporated, people vanished.

It was two months. Two months of not seeing him. Two months of pure torture and hell and now he was there in front of you, beautiful as the sun.

He was wearing a jacket whose pockets he had put his hands in, a hood covering his hair as he walked towards the yellow police tape. He put a hand out of his pocket to lift it and go under it after nodding to the cops, tucking his hand back into his pocket immediately afterwards.

You felt your knees give away and you didn't know how you managed not to collapse there in front of everyone.

But it was when your eyes met that your breath was completely knocked out of your lungs.

Jay stopped in his tracks instantly, as if he'd bumped into something. He couldn't help but widen his eyes and part his lips as his brain processed the vision in front of him.

Was it really you? Wasn't he dreaming?

The cold vanished almost instantly as a sensation of heat coursed through his body, causing every cell in his system to light up on fire. He didn't expect to see you, not like that and not after two months.

He had to repress the desire to run to you and throw himself at your feet and pray for your forgiveness. He was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Repentance.

Emptiness.

Anger.

Pain.

The memories of your last meeting overwhelmed him. His heart shattered even more than it already was when he remembered the last time he had seen and spoken to you, you both had shouted the worst evil things at each other.

It's over.

Even from afar your eyes managed to hypnotize him but he couldn't help but notice how the light that characterized them, that light in those eyes he continuously dreamed about and which he still loved with all his being, had disappeared.

And it was his fault, he was the one who did this to you.

He had noticed the dark circles surrounding your eyes, perhaps even worse than his, and guilt was added to all those feelings he felt.

It was all his fault.

His eyes filled with tears when you looked away, wanting nothing more than to run away and cry.

He saw Antonio turn towards him and give him a look before returning his attention to you and saying something. Jay didn't have the strength to get closer, the fear was paralyzing him. He couldn’t even let out a sound.

But how much he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loved you, so deeply you made completely lose his mind to the point he couldn’t breathe without you, sleep, or even eat.

He just stood there like an idiot while staring at you, not moving a single muscle.

You’re so fucking mesmerizing Y/n. How can someone be so beautiful?

You said something to Antonio and looked at Jay again before turning your back and walking away, joining the rest of your colleagues who were about to go back to the fire station.

“Halstead you okay?” Antonio asked as he approached him but Jay didn't even seem to listen to him as his eyes were following your every move. “Jay.”

“I'm fine,” he murmured, never taking his eyes off you. You were taking some tools he couldn't even identify and loading it onto the fire truck.

“Jay, man, look at me please.”

But he didn't.

He didn't take his eyes off you until you got into the truck and drove away, not before you exchanged another look.

Jay let out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding, then ran his hands over his face wet because of the rain.

He looked at the gray sky for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain control of himself.

He hated all of this. He hated you still had so much control over him, his thoughts, how you managed to mess him up so badly he couldn't properly function anymore. You had such power over him and you didn't even know it. How the fuck could you even doubt he didn't care about you?

“I’m sorry,” he murmured when he realized how idiotic he must have looked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How is she?”.

Antonio sighed. “She… She’s not doing very well Jay, she was shaking when she saw you. Why don't you just talk to her and solve your problems? It's so obvious that neither of you are over it yet.”

It was now late afternoon and Jay was out of his mind.

For the rest of the day he thought of nothing but you and meeting you that morning. Even as the team investigated the case about the body you found, everyone had noticed how his mind was totally elsewhere.

He said something from time to time, participating in the investigations when he seemed to wake up from his thoughts and then immediately distanced himself from them again.

He didn't miss Voight's lecture, who chided him about how distracted he had been lately. He told him he understood the hard time he was going through but that he should leave his problems outside the district.

He was quite understanding, even when Jay came to him and told him he no longer wanted to be partnered with Hailey, but enough was enough. Jay had to be concentrated, he couldn't afford distractions in a job like his because just one small mistake could’ve cost him his life.

“What happened man? You seem even more out of your mind than usual today,” Adam stated when he entered the break room and saw his friend sitting on the small sofa, looking down and a cup of steaming coffee in his hands.

“I saw her,” Jay replied softly.

“What? Seriously? When? Have you guys talked?”.

Jay shook his head. “This morning, at the crime scene, she was one of the firefighters there,” he sighed as his mind was haunted by your eyes “We didn't talk. I just looked at her from afar.”

Adam sighed as he poured himself some coffee too. “How much longer are you planning to go on like this? You're becoming unbearable Halstead.”

“Excuse me?”.

“Yes, you heard me mate. You’ve been a pain the ass. Either you get back with her or move on, just stop crying to yourself like a baby and do something. Are you waiting for a fucking miracle to get you back together? Then you can wait forever because it will never happen. You make your own destiny.”

Jay looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or feeling offended.

But damn, was he right.

He was tired of feeling this way, of this continuing suffering, of being without you. It had been too long and he didn't want to live that way anymore. He no longer wanted to wake up in the morning and constantly wonder when the damn day would end, he no longer wanted to roll over in bed and not seeing you lying next to him, he no longer wanted to wake up in the middle of the night because of some nightmare where you were happily in love with another man.

He wanted to be your man, he wanted to give you all the happiness you deserved, he wanted to be the one to give you everything you needed.

He had been so stupid for even letting this much time pass.

All he had to do was go to you and do everything within his power to make you truly trust him again, to proving you how much he loved you, how much his world revolved only around you, how much only you made him happy.

Either it was you or he’d die in total solitude and he didn't want that. He wanted to be with you, he wanted to die like a decrepit old man while he held your hand.

He hadn't spent so many years of friendship longing for you only to give up like that and let you go, he couldn't do that. He didn’t want to live with that ‘if’, with the fear of taking a few steps towards you because he was afraid of your rejection, even if it would’ve hurt him, he wanted to give his all.

For this reason he placed the cup of coffee on the table and ran away at the speed of light, leaving Adam standing there who, however, immediately understood the intentions of his friend and grinned to himself.

Jay didn't bother wearing his jacket or getting an umbrella to protect himself from the rain that was pouring incessantly since the morning, not caring about anything other than coming to you.

Although it was only 5:30 PM, it was already dark outside. The rain was pounding so hard the walk from the district to his car was enough to get him soaked from head to toe.

If in other moments he would’ve torn a limb rather than get into the car with his soaked clothes and wet the seats, in that instant it was the last thing on his mind. He thought about how you’d react seeing him in that situation, he knew you’d tease him forever. Just the thought made him smile.

It was Monday and he knew you had a double shift that day so he drove to the fire station at the speed of light, hoping to find you there. He didn't care you were in the middle of the shift, he just needed to see you.

He parked the car crookedly, got out and ran towards the fire station. The first person he met was Stella, who looked at him with a weird look as soon as she noticed the condition he was in.

“Stella, hi... Where is Y/n? I need to talk to her.”

He gave her a confused look at her when he saw her slightly grinning as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Finally Halstead, took you long enough don't you think? Two months…”

“I know, I've been a stupid piece of shit,” he interrupted her not being able to contain himself anymore “But please tell me where she is.”

“She went home an hour and a half ago, she said she wasn't feeling well.”

Worry took over. “Wait what? Did something happened?”.

Stella rolled her eyes. “You're such an idiot Jay. Physically she's fine, emotionally not much and it's because of you,” she pointed her index finger at his chest. “You better fix the mess you've made.”

He felt like shit, more than he already was. He hated the thought of you being in pain, especially because of him. “I'll try, if she still wants to talk to me.”

“She has every reason not to,” Stella commented.

He nodded. She was right. “She’s home right?”.

“Last time I checked, yes.”

“Thank you Stella.”

Jay started to walk away but her voice made him stop.

“I never want to see her cry again Jay so if you don't believe in what you're doing and if you think you can't give her what she needs you better turn around and drive your stupid ass back to your house,” she threatened him. “She wouldn't be able to go through everything she's been through these past few months again, so I'm warning you, I'll rip your balls off and make you wear them like earrings if you make her suffer again.”

“I'm not going to Stella, she…” he sighed trying to find the right words to describe how he felt about you “She is my whole world, I've never been as sure of anything as I am of how much I love her, I just want her back.”

Stella nodded. “Now go.”

When Jay arrived outside your apartment building, a wave of relief went through him as he noticed your car was parked in its usual spot. But it was soon replaced by disappointment when after knocking your door several times there was no answer.

He thought about calling you but he didn't want to scare you away, he didn't want you to have the chance to escape since he wanted to talk to you at all costs.

He went outside again, and sat on the steps outside the main entrance waiting for you, his head bowed as droplets of water were falling on the asphalt. He luckily managed to sit where the rain wouldn’t come although the still soaked clothes were starting to bother him. He didn't care though, this was truly the last thing on his mind.

Where were you? Were you alone? Were you with anyone else?

He shook his head. He didn't even want to think about it, knowing he’d most likely get a life sentence without parole if he ever saw another man next to you.

He didn’t also want to think it wouldn’t be his businesses since you two weren’t together anymore.

Contrary to what Jay thought, you had just gone for a walk, unable to stay at home since you were afraid if you were left alone with your thoughts again you’d go crazy. You thought you were stupid for asking to leave early from work so you could stay at home and rest but then didn't want to stay because the anguish was so intense you couldn't even sit still.

So you ended up taking an umbrella and going out for a walk, without a specific destination. You just wanted to clear your head and get some fresh air. Even though the rain was bothering you since that morning, you still loved the sound of it and the smell it left in the air.

Seeing Jay had shocked you more than you would’ve ever imagined, even though you knew quite well how it’d end. You had wondered numerous times what it’d be like to meet him again after two months of not hearing from him, you knew it wouldn't be easy, but you didn't think it would’ve such a deep effect on you to not even let you do your job.

It was as if you jumped back to the day you broke up and that very little progress you had made over the course of those months disintegrated as soon as you met his beautiful eyes.

You walked for a time that seemed infinite to you even though barely an hour had passed and when your hands started to lose sensitivity due to the cold, you decided it was the time to head back home.

The journey to your apartment building took longer than expected, not in a hurry to return to those four cold walls as you knew the rough night awaited you. That is, crying and alcohol.

But if you had known what – or rather who – awaited you, you would’ve run until your lungs burned.

“Jay…”

You almost had a heart attack when you noticed the figure sitting on those steps, recognizing immediately the very and only man who managed to take your breath away and the ground off your feet with just a look.

You immediately saw how soakes wet his clothes were and how he wasn't even wearing a jacket over his long-sleeved shirt and your heart ached painfully.

How long was he there?

He shoot his gaze up from the ground when he heard your voice, fearing for a moment it was too good to be true and you weren't really there. He stood up quickly, standing in front of you.

“What are you doing here?” You asked with a shaky voice, struggling to hold the eye contact. Why did you want to cry so suddenly?

“I… I’m sorry for popping in here unannounced, I need to talk to you.”

Your stomach tightened in a vice, though you knew you had no other choice. You had to do it, you needed it too.

You nodded. “Let's go upstairs though.” You continued, feeling your heart break at thought he might catch something.

He nodded back and at the same time let out a sneeze before looking down in embarrassment. If it wasn’t for the fact you had broken up badly and this was the first time you interacted since that faithful day, you would’ve found it funny.

You closed your umbrella and entered your apartment building, aware Jay was behind you, and you both walked up to your home in complete silence.

Jay almost burst into tears when you opened the door and let him in, feeling a wave of nostalgia wash over him. He could smell your scent perfectly – well it was normal since it was your house – but he missed it so fucking much he thought he’d collapse on the floor.

He looked around, noticing everything was the same, but different at the same time. Two months had passed since he had set foot in that house but it seemed like an eternity since it had been the worst time of his life.

Silence reigned supreme as he looked at you taking off your jacket and hung it on the coat rack, after placing the wet umbrella in its stand.

You disappeared into your room for a moment and he stood there frozen, not knowing what to do.

He hated that feeling so fucking much, he hated not knowing how to act around you, what to say or what to do. You had always been his best friend, the person he felt most at peace with, you were the love of his life and yet at that moment he couldn't even look at you in the eyes without feeling like complete shit.

“I brought you some dry clothes, you can go change and put the wet ones in the dryer,” you said as soon as you walked out of your room, holding some folded clothes that Jay immediately recognized as his.

A little hope lit up inside him.

You still had his clothes, a black t-shirt and sweatpants. He had even forgotten you had them in first place but the relief and joy he felt from that small gesture almost made him burst into tears.

God I feel like a fucking emotional teenage girl.

“I thought you threw them away,” he replied, moving closer to you. You shook your head, but didn't look at him, too embarrassed to do it. If only he had known you had spent nights wearing those clothes and smelling his scent while crying yourself to sleep.

He took them and as he did it your hands touched.

You both tried to maintain a neutral facade but from the brief glance you exchanged you knew it affected both of you at the same way. It was as if an electric shock ran through your bodies and that small, almost imperceptible touch was enough to throw both of you into a whirlwind of indescribable emotions.

“Uhm… I-I… Well… I’ll just go,” he stammered before running to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Y/n what are you doing to me,” he whispered, resting his forehead on the door as he caught his breath.

You let out a deep breath you didn't realize you were holding, placing a hand on your chest in an attempt to slow down your heart that was beating so hard it felt like it wanted to escape from your rib cage.

“I need a drink,” you said to yourself and went to the kitchen with the intention of drinking something strong.

You were still processing what was happening.

Jay was at your house.

Your ex-boyfriend and the love of your fucking life was at your house, in your bathroom, changing his wet clothes.

You tried to convince yourself it was reality and not just your dream as you poured some whiskey into a glass and downed it in one gulp like a shot.

You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't even realize Jay was back. You gave him a look, cursing yourself as you did since Jay in black was one of your weaknesses.

Lord please have mercy on my poor soul.

“How long have you been a whiskey drinker?”.

“Do you really want to know?” You responded with another question, looking up at him and taking another shot of alcohol, the burn along your throat now quite familiar.

You looked at each other for a few seconds and he shook his head slightly, knowing full well the answer to that question. He lowered his eyes to the floor, the guilt too strong.

“You want something?” You politely asked as you closed the bottle.

“No, thank you.” He wanted to talk to you as clearly as possible.

You nodded and placed the dirty glass in the sink.

Silence reigned supreme again and you walked past him before going into the living room and sitting on the couch. Your palms were sweating and you wondered why this had to be so damn hard.

Jay followed you like a puppy, but remained standing.

“You can sit Jay.”

He never thought about it but his name never sounded so wonderful until he heard you say it. Everything that came out of your lips was pure poetry to his ears, except when you insulted him, that was like getting stabbed by thousands knives.

He sat down on the couch, painfully far away from you.

“How are you?“ Was the first thing Jay asked and he mentally smacked himself on the forehead for his stupidity. He hadn't seen you for two months after you two had a horrible breakup and the smartest thing he could think of was ‘how are you?’.

Fucking dumbass.

You raised your head and your eyes met his, looking at him with an indecipherable expression. “You want the honest truth?”.

“Always.”

“Not very good Jay,” you gave a fake tight half smile “And now that you're here even less so.”

He sighed, obviously expecting this response, leaning back on the couch as he thought about what he could say.

“I'm sorry.” Was all he could spit out.

You imitated his gesture and leaned against the back of the sofa too, crossing your fingers over your belly while your eyes were fixed on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever seen.

You both remained silent for a moment. You looking at the ceiling and him looking at you.

With his eyes he traced the outline of your profile in meticulous detail, thinking about how much he missed being able to be close to you and look at you. He analyzed every inch of skin of your face, taking pictures with his gaze with the hope of imprinting them all in his memory in case he was no longer able to look at you like that.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” you asked, not looking at him.

He had to bite his tongue to keep from telling you how beautiful you were, fearing he’d get nothing more than a slap in the face, probably deserved too.

“So many things but I don’t know where to begin, I… I had a speech but I can’t even remember my own name now.”

You turned your head towards him and you looked at each other for a while in a way Jay couldn’t decipher, making him wish he could read your mind.

Your eyes never left each other as silence filled the room, the air was so tense it could be cut with a knife.

“How did we end up like this Jay?” It was you who broke the silence after a while, your voice so low you thought he hadn't even heard you.

“It was my fault,” he replied without hesitation “I… You were right Y/n, I was a shitty boyfriend,” he continued referring to what you had told him that fateful morning.

“No, it was my…”

“No bab- Y/n…” he tried to correct himself but it was too late because your heart had already skipped a beat. “I won't let you think it was your fault. I neglected you, I took you for granted, I was arrogant enough to think that once we got together we could just be happy without any effort. But I was wrong, I didn't realize I had hurt you so much and believe me... Please believe me, I’ll spend the rest of my days beating myself for this.”

“I hurt you too…” you whispered, feeling your eyes full of tears and afraid you’d start crying at any moment.

His chest tightened as he saw your sad expression and God only knew how much he wanted to hug you, holding you so tightly to his chest until he’d make all your pain go away.

He shook his head. “You were just angry, now I know, I understand it. I know your constant arguing with me was your way of telling me I wasn't doing enough for you and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this… I… I'm sorry for making you doubt me and I’ll never forgive myself for that Y/n because I lost the best thing that ever happened to me in life.”

Hearing those words made those little defenses you had managed to built collapse. You got up suddenly as tears ran down your cheeks, wiping them away in the process. You stood by the window, turning your back to him so he wouldn't see you.

He stood up right after you and carefully approached you. He moved his hands with the intention of resting them on your shoulders to comfort you but he stopped, not wanting to overstep your boundaries and make the situation even worse.

“Look at me Y/n please, I need to look into your eyes,” he whispered in a pleading tone. You quickly wiped your tears with your palms and turned to him, but kept your gaze lowered. “Hey…” He called your attention and you finally looked up at him. Your eyes were incredibly shiny from the tears but they had never been more beautiful than they were in that moment and finally being able to look at them so closely was like being punched in the stomach.

“I don't blame you, I don't blame you for a single thing you did or said, I hope you know that. I'm angry at myself for not giving you what you needed and for not realizing in time you were slipping through my fingers,” he confessed, “I haven't been fair to you, I've been superficial and selfish and… I stupidly thought our love would be enough for everything to go easy, but I was so wrong, because love is not just this, love is also understanding, patience, compromise and I failed giving you this...” he talked so softly it made your heart hurt.

Tears continued to leak from your eyes down your cheeks as you listened to the words you had wanted to hear for so long. This was all you ever wanted.

“I hate seeing you like this and I hate myself more for being the cause of it,” he continued in a whisper as the lump in his throat prevented him from saying anything else. “Can I?”.

You nodded without even knowing what he was referring to and your subconscious cursed you for reacting so quickly to whatever he said.

He lifted his hands and cupped them gently on your face, wiping away every tear with his thumbs with so gentle movements you thought you were dreaming of his touch.

You closed your eyes at that touch while at the same time letting out a sigh of relief. It didn't matter how long you denied it to yourself, you missed that man like oxygen, you were nothing without him.

“I hope you'll forgive me one day even though I know I don't deserve it…” his voice broke at the last words and with a blow to your heart you realized that he too was crying.

“Jay don't-…” you managed to mutter with a shaky voice.

“No, wait, please, let me talk,” he interrupted you, sniffling and never leaving your gaze “I need to tell you these things, I need you to know how much I care about you and how much I love you. I…” he stopped again, unable to continue moving forward and lowered his gaze, not being able to look at you anymore.

“Can I?” You whispered back and his eyes met yours again, chuckling through his tears before nodding. That time you were the one wiping away his tears with your fingers, gently stroking his skin with your thumbs, enjoying that sensation you missed so badly.

“Fuck baby, I don't deserve you.” He murmured hoarsely. “But I'm too selfish to let you go.”

His thumbs continued to caress your cheeks as you slid your arms to your sides.

“Let me decide that.”

“Before you do I want you to know I’ve never for a second stopped thinking about you. These past months have been pure hell, a fucking nightmare and I deserve it, for the way I treated you but I'm so pissed at myself because you didn't deserve it at all,” He croaked “I disrespected you by not respecting your wishes, and not giving your feelings the importance they deserved but I swear to you Y/n, I swear to you because you’re the most important person in my fucking life,” he looked intensely into your eyes, so much as if he somehow hoped you could read his soul. “Nothing has ever happened with Hailey or any other woman and I am so sorry I made you doubt it with the way I acted.”

“You’re the only woman of my life, you’re the woman I want to build my future with, you’re the woman I want to marry, you’re the woman I want to be the mother of my children, you’re the woman with whom I want to grow old and with whom I want to die,” he spat out as more lonely tears marked his cheeks, tears you immediately took and wiped away without hesitation. He softly smiled, making your heart race and your breath quicken, as he leaned against your touch.

“I can't exist without you, I can't function if you're not here baby and I wish I could let you into my head and heart… Fuck… You wouldn't doubt for even a second every fucking cell of my body don't have your name written on them I swear. You own me, in a way you’ll never imagine.”

You couldn't answer the question of how you were still standing as with each passing second you felt your knees buckle more and more. You were a crying mess, you couldn’t even look at him properly because of your blurred vision.

“I've been a selfish son of a bitch but I swear to you, and please believe me, there hasn't been a time since I first saw you that night at Molly's years ago that you haven't been in my mind. You came into my life like a hurricane Y/n and from the first time you smiled at me I never doubted for a second I finally met the love of my life, the greatest I could ever ask for.”

His fingers caressed your hair while you feared you’d have a heart attack at any moment.

“I know these will probably be empty words but if only you’d give me a chance my little angel, I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and give you everything you deserve,” he whispered “I'm not giving up on us, even if now...

The ringing of his cell phone interrupted him and he let out a “Fucking hell” before taking it from his trouser pocket.

Contrary to what you expected, he rejected the call without no hesitation or even looking who it was and threw the phone on the sofa, not caring it bounced and then fell on the floor.

“I'm sorry…” he looked at you again.

“Why didn't you answer?”.

“Because I don't care about anyone else beside you right now.”

“But what if it was important?”.

“Nothing is more important than you Y/n, I hope I can convince you of that one day.”

“But…”

“Nothing but baby,” he placed his hands on your face again, freezing when he realized what he had just said “S-sorry I…” He didn’t realize it but he had already said it few other times.

You tried to hold back a smile and shook your head, letting him know it didn’t bother you. In fact, the way that pet name made you feel was something indescribable.

“I don’t want you to think I was thinking about her but Hailey’s not my partner anymore.”

He dropped this news like a bomb without even finished what he was saying earlier, leaving you in shock, not expecting something like this at all. “What? Why?”.

“Because it's something that bothers you.”

“Jay it didn't bother me she was your partner but…”

“I know,” he interrupted you, “It bothers you the way I behaved with her even though it meant absolutely nothing to me, the fact I was with you and when she called me I answered her, that I gave her a ride her, and all the things that happened. I know, I get it now, and this was fucked up on my part and I only now understand how you felt about it and I'm so sorry...”

“I'm glad you understand now but you still didn't even have to change partners Jay.”

“Y/n, I know it. I know it wasn't even necessary not to speak to her anymore except for something related to work but this is what I wanted and want to do. It might be dramatic but for me it's the least I can do for you,” he spoke in a firm and decisive tone “I had to set some boundaries, show you respect and understand how much all of this hurt you. I had to understand it was something that deeply troubled you instead of fueling your fears and making you feel like you were a burden.”

You looked at him with shock.

Who the hell was this man?

“You come first angel, everything else is worth less than a zero for me. I now get that if something hurts you than I have to figh tooth and nail to prove to you that whatever goes through this little head will never make me stop loving you, caring about you or needing you more than the air I breathe, so if you tell me my partnership with Hailey is bothering you, I'll get rid of it.”

“But it's not fair you… You don’t have to give up your friendship with her for me. I don't want you to have to deprive yourself of all this Jay, I never asked for this...”

“…You just wanted to be reassured,” he continued the sentence for you and you nodded feebly. “But listen to me. I know you didn't ask me, no one did, I decided to do it and there won't be anything that will make me change my mind. Y/n I want to do everything I can to make you trust me again, I don't care what it entails, even if it means burning up the whole world to the ground I will do it, without hesitation. I want you to understand that nothing’s more important to me than you, that you come above anyone else. Please, I don't want and I can't be without you anymore, I can't baby...”

Jay stopped talking for a second but continued noticing your silence. “And if this makes you feel better, I don’t want to keep a friendship with someone who acted the way she did. A friend doesn't try to intrude on your relationship, I was just too trusting and stupid to understand it and I'm sorry you had to pay for it.”

You pulled away from him for a moment, suddenly feeling suffocated. You sat on the couch again, resting your elbows on your knees and your face covered by your hands as you considered everything Jay had said so far.

Your mind was in a whirlwind of emotions and you couldn't figure out which of the thousand thoughts to listen to first.

Your rational part would’ve told him it was too late, that it was easy to fix your mistakes when the damage had been done.

But your non-rational part, the bigger one, would’ve thrown your arms around him and hugged him until he lost his breath.

You appreciated everything he had told you, so relieved he had finally understood what your real problem was with everything that had happened.

You loved him so much, so terribly much and the relief you had at hearing those words lifted a weight off your shoulders. But you still were so confused and didn't know what to do.

You didn't want to make hasty decisions following only your heart and you equally didn't want to make others that you might regret.

You felt the sofa sink next to you, a sign Jay had sat down.

“I… I know my job is to show you how much you mean to me and you might think that by rooting out Hailey's problem I've just gone with the easy solution but I hope you know that's not the case. I would choose you in a room with a billion people, I would still looking for you. It's just been my way of making you understand that neither Hailey nor any other woman is as indispensable in my life as you are, none of them are worth losing you.” He spoke softly. “I’ll never get tired of repeating you’re the only one who exists for me, I have eyes only for you and it will be like this until my last breath. All I want is to see you happy baby, I want to make you happy. The problem wasn't just my friendship with Hailey, I know that, I didn’t pay enough attention to you and I want to make up for every single mistake I made... And…”

You started crying again, just when you thought you had managed to control your emotions and he noticed.

“And I love you so damn much,” he whispered these last words like some sort of spell.

After what seemed like an infinite amount of time to him, you finally looked up at him. He gently wiped away your tears for the umpteenth time, trying not to focus on how painful it was to see you like that.

“To say these two months have been hell is an understatement,” you sobbed, but still tried to speak, “I've been so angry at you Jay.”

“I know and you have every right to.”

“Every single day I hoped you’d knock on my door and say these exact words to me. Why didn't you do it? God Jay, I would’ve gotten back with you before I even let you talk. Why didn't you fight for us?”.

His heart broke into a thousand little pieces. “Because I'm a stupid piece of shit. I know you won't believe me but I was scared as fuck. I've come here so many times, actually, but I've never had the courage to knock on the door.”

“Really?”.

He nodded mentally smacking himself for his stupidly as he could’ve avoided to both of you months of suffering. “Yes, I was scared to face you. I was afraid you’d tell me it was forever over and you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I honestly wouldn't have been able to survive something like that. As twisted or dumb as it sounds, I had the hope one way or another fate would bring us together again and I was afraid that if you told me no then this hope would die.”

“What made you come here today?”.

“Seeing you this morning reminded me of everything I had lost. In reality, Adam also helped me knock some sense in me but, well... I realized I don't want to cry anymore and that I want to do everything to get you back.”

You looked at him for a few moments in silence, studying his words and his wonderful features.

“I’ll fight for us Y/n, I can't be without you anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy.”

“I don't want you to think it's all your fault though, it's not.”

“Indeed it is…”

“No. It was also my fault, I shouldn't have given up so quickly, I should’ve trusted you a little bit more and explained myself better, be more patient and give you the time to understand my feelings and demanded to fix them immediately, without thinking you too had to adapt your own thoughts to mine. I was selfish too Jay.”

Jay looked at you with so much intensity and so fervently it suddenly made you feel small and naked under his eyes. He looked at you as if he wanted to get under your skin, he looked at you like a painter looks at his own work of art, like a sculptor looked at his own creation. He looked at you with so much love and sweetness this alone would’ve been enough to make you fall into a thousand pieces.

God, how much you missed the way he looked at you. As if you were the only one in the world, as if you were the most beautiful of the seven wonders of the world, as if you were everything his eyes wanted to see. This was what you missed, what you wanted: feeling like you were the only one for him.

“Don't slap me but I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he whispered, fearing your reaction but at the same time unable to hold his tongue.

You let out a small chuckle through your tears as you dried them and straightened your back. You would’ve been lying if you said you didn't want him to jump on you.

“I'd like to see you try.”

“Oh don't tempt me sweetheart. I could make you squirm under me in less than five minutes if I wanted.”

Please just say yes baby.

You let out a louder laugh this time and threw one of the sofa cushions at him, especially because he was completely right and it wasn't something you wanted to find out at that moment.

He let out a mock cry of pain even though inside he was exploding with joy. He didn't know if it was more the fact you had thrown the pillow at him and actually jokes with him or because he finally heard you laugh. He was almost tempted to tickle you even though you hated it just so he could make you laugh and record the sound and set the recording as the ringtone on his cell phone.

Did he already say he loved you so fucking much he couldn't breathe?

“I'm scared Jay.” You whispered as the air became serious again. He moved closer to you and took your hand, drawing imaginary circles on its back with his thumb, a gesture he used to do to comfort you.

“I know, but I'll make it worth it. I never want to spend a day without you again, I’ll give you the world. I promise,” he whispered as his eyes caressed your face in a little dance, observing your features and every peculiarity of your beautiful skin. “I can't even tell you in words how much I love you Y/n. Just… Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. You want me to get on the roof and jump? I'll do it. Do you want me to blow up some buildings? Give me the address. I’m begging you…”

You chuckled again and he felt victorious for managing to make you smile again. He left out the part where he would actually do anything he just said.

“I love you to death Jay, more than you could ever imagine…” you murmured “And I'm so scared because if... If it doesn't work I won't be able to go through this again,” you paused for a second. “I don't have the strength. I never want to experience anything like that again, I would rather shoot myself.”

“No, no, no, no, this will never happen. There will never be an 'if it doesn't work' again. I'm here to stay and I want to make you the happiest you've ever been, please Y/n, I can't be without you anymore.”

He placed his free hand on your cheek and before your brain could even process it, your body had already responded and you found yourself leaning against his touch.

You looked at each other for few moments, still not believe all of this was real.

“I want us to take it slow. We went too fast the first rime we got together thinking we knew each other well because we were friends before. I want to know the real you, and I want you to really know me.”

“Yes, yes, yes, fuck yes, whatever you want baby,” he replied so quickly he embarrassed himself while he felt his heart beating so fast it was most likely going to explode.

“Or maybe it's better that we just be friends again. It seemed to work just fine,” you decided to tease him and the look of pure horror and shock that crossed his face was priceless. You so badly wished you could take a photo of him in that moment.

“I know you're taking the piss out of me right now, but you and I could never be friends again, never, ever, ever, again.”

“Why?”.

“You’re seriously asking me why? Have you heard any of the words I just said?” He raised an eyebrow and you shrugged, trying not to laugh. “Because there hasn’t been a single day where you were just a friend to me. I have loved you much longer than you’ll ever know baby, so no. Absolutely no friends.”

You bit your cheek to try and suppress a smile but it was in vain, Jay realized it before you could even try to hide it from him and he had to suppress the urge to kiss you right now and there.

“That's not what you should say when you're taking things slowly, you know?”.

He sighed. “You're going to torture me aren't you?”.

You nodded and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as they looked at you and he swore if you looked closely you could see his pupils had turned into a heart shape.

“Baby, I'd let you tie me naked to a pole and in the middle of a storm if that's what you wanted, don't even play with me right now.”

You laughed, your heart now lighter.

You didn't know if you were doing the right thing, if you had reacted hastily and without thinking but at that moment you didn't care. After all, that’s how love was: it was irrational, unconditional, vulnerable, overwhelming, it was messy. You couldn't just follow a plan or predict what to do.

You were aware you were taking an immense risk, that you were risking hurting yourself again in a deep and irreparable way but you wanted to have a little more faith in him. You had always wanted that intense love worthy of fairy tales and you knew he was the only one who’d be able to give it to you even if it meant facing the unknown and the possibility of suffering again.

And the more you looked at Jay, the more you were convinced this was a risk you were willing to take.

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[chicago-pd-is-weird]

Jay Halstead x Reader Oneshot

Synopsis: Jay and reader are together, and reader works at Med in ED with Will. Reader has a lot of anxiety because Jay is a cop, thinking every cop that is brought in may be Jay.

TW: anxiety/panic attacks is a main theme in this, also some mention of blood and doctor-y stuff because reader works at Med in ED

Requested by: @sorry-i-spaced

Thank you so much! This was fun to write!

Any other oneshot requests, please DM me! :)

“We got a Stevenson!” A paramedic called out as they rolled into the ED. You and several other doctors sprung into action, running toward where the paramedics were coming in. ‘Stevenson’ was the code name for a cop, to let Med know who it was, no matter if they were in uniform, plainclothes, or undercover.

“(Y/N)! Rhodes! Trauma three!” Maggie’s voice called from the desk. Working in the ED was no walk in the park, especially in the middle of Chicago. You made your way quickly to where Maggie pointed you, picking up the pace as they wheeled in a man who was surrounded by cops. You pushed through the crowd and into the room, seeing the man on the gurney with three bullet holes in him. You helped get him moved over, then assessed the damage, Dr. Rhodes right behind you to help.

“Three bullet wounds, center mass. I’m assuming this is the perpetrator, not our Stevenson?” You spoke out loud. Some of the officers outside the room confirmed your thoughts.

Your heart was already pumping from the adrenaline as you worked on the man, but you couldn’t help it as it beat faster, hoping the officer shot wasn’t Jay Halstead. It made you especially nervous when the officers outside the room talked amongst one another, saying the man shot was a detective. Bile started to rise in your throat, but you were pulled back by the monitors beeping rapidly. You took immediate action as you snapped out of your anxiety for just a few moments.

You finally stabilized the man enough to take him to surgery, letting the nurses and techs take him with Dr. Rhodes. You backed away, looking around the room at the mess that had been made. For a moment, you stood in silence, looking around at the blood and various instruments that were around the room, as well as the blood on your gloves and scrubs.

Blood. You saw it every day, and yet, you couldn’t help but get a nauseous at the sight. You thought maybe that detective, who was fighting for his life, was bleeding out. That maybe it was the man you loved. Maybe he was in the other room, clinging to life, and here you were, trying to save the man who shot him. The notion made you sick to your stomach. You ripped off your bloody gloves and left them in the room, quickly moving to the nearest bathroom to empty your stomach of your breakfast. You panted in between heaves, gripping the toilet for dear life as you trembled at the thought of Jay dying and you saving the man who killed him.

You and Jay had met through Will, one of your coworkers and closest friends at Chicago Med. Will and Jay were brothers, and both had taken a liking to you at first, but you ultimately decided that romance with a doctor at the same hospital as you would be too complicated. You never expected the anxiety that came with beings cop’s girlfriend, though. You’d been prone to anxiety in the past, but it ramped up when you started getting serious with Jay. You had episodes like this a lot, no matter what cop came in. It had never been Jay in the past, but it only took one bullet in the wrong spot for him to die.

When the nausea passed, you slowly pushed yourself to your feet, though still unsteady as your head spin. You flushed, washed your hands and face, then made your way to the locker rooms to change out of your scrubs and into a fresh pair. When you re-emerged, you were met with Will, who gently pulled you aside before anyone else could see you. “Hey, (Y/N), you okay?” Will already knew the answer to that. He was the only one who knew the full story about these episodes you had at work. Although Jay knew some of it, especially about your anxiety, he didn’t know the full picture, and you’d sworn Will into secrecy over it.

“Will, it wasn’t him, was it?”

“No, (Y/N), Jay is fine. I talked to him just a little bit ago. He is investigating this with Intelligence. He might still be here. He was looking for you.”

You let out a shaky breath, but nodded. You were relieved, but needed to see for yourself. You walked with Will back to where he’d last seen Jay, your stomach settling down as you saw him standing with Detective Lindsay, talking to Maggie. You walked over, leaning on the counter with a hum beside him, hand reaching out to rest atop his on the counter.

Jay smiled when he saw you, leaning over and kissing your cheek. “Hey, was looking for you earlier. That perp going to make it?”

Instantly, your anxiety faded away, as if it was never there in the first place. Jay had that effect on you, especially when he was upright and acting like himself. “It’s touch and go, I think,” you said with a soft sigh. “We did what we could. Rhodes took him to surgery prolly about a half hour ago. If he does make it, it’ll be a hard and long road.”

Jay hummed and looked up at Will, who had taken a place behind the counter with Maggie. “And what about the detective?”

“He’ll make it,” Will replied. “Barring complications, he should be back on the job within a few weeks.”

“That’s good,” Jay replied, shifting his gaze back to you, unable to help the smile that pulled on his lips. “Hey, don’t look so down. We’ve got this.”

Your eyes met his, not realizing you’d looked upset. You smiled at him, nodding. “I know,” you replied. “It just must be hard that it’s one of your own, yaknow?”

“The risks we take,” he said with a small shrug. His statement was so nonchalant, which you didn’t like. You had to force yourself to focus on anything else to keep your rising anxiety at bay. Jay and Erin left soon after, and you shuddered, but moved back to work, checking on some other patients.

— —

“Stevenson incoming!” Maggie’s voice called out. You froze, looking up from the computer you had been typing at, swallowing hard. Your mouth ran dry, as stats were called by the paramedics. “Male, mid-thirties, stabbed multiple times.” You stood quickly, but Maggie didn’t assign you to it. You probably wouldn’t have been much help anyways, seeing as you were on the verge of an attack.

A firm hand was placed on your shoulder, pulling you back to reality as you gasped, looking behind you to see Will. “Come on,” he said softly, nodding to you. “It’s okay, come on.”

You let out a shaky breath, walking with Will out to the small break room. He got you coffee, which you took whether you liked it or not. It was something to pull you back into reality. “I-I’m sorry, I just…”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Will said, shaking his head. “I get the same feeling every time, but Jay just texted me that we are meeting for lunch, so it can’t be him.”

“I shouldn’t feel so much relief from this,” you said, putting your hands to your face, wiping away some tears that had started to escape. “Someone is hurt, yaknow? But I… I’m so terrified of something happening.”

“Have you talked to anyone about this? Maybe Dr. Charles can help.”

“No, no,” you said, sighing heavily, sniffling and wiping your face. “I talked to therapists all throughout middle and high school. None of them even understood me. As far as I know, I’m just messed up mentally.”

“(Y/N),” Will sighed. “We’re all messed up mentally. We’re doctors.” He shook his head again, reaching over to put a hand on your arm. “Look, maybe you just need to find the right person. Besides, we know more about mental health and the brain now than we did then. There may be new tactics to help you cope, even if we can’t cure it.”

You were thankful for Will, nodding at his suggestions. “Maybe,” you muttered, leaning back in your chair and rubbing your face with your hands again, then coming back to down the coffee. “Thanks.”

“Any time,” he replied, nodding. “You’re not alone, alright?”

“Thanks,” you repeated. Just then, Will’s pager rang and he had to go, but he planted a soft kiss on the top of your head as he pulled you into a gentle embrace. As quick as he was beside you, he was gone, and you sank back down to the chair, looking at your empty coffee mug with despair. Maybe you’d never get better.

— —

The past few weeks had been filled with more and more scares. There was a serial killer on the loose who was targeting cops. Your body was racked with constant anxiety every time a Stevenson was brought into the ED. The only time you weren’t was when you were assisting with a surgery, so you stayed with Dr. Rhodes most of the time to ensure you were in surgery. It was better that way for the patients and for you.

The surgery you’d just assisted in finishing was a tough one. It was a kid who had fallen on a pair of scissors the wrong way. However, Dr. Rhodes was like magic, and your own hands remained calm and steady as you fell into a zen-like trance. You weren’t thinking of anything else but the surgery at hand. The anatomy and biology of the body lying below you. It was the only time and place you’d felt at peace, despite the circumstances surrounding the incident.

As you scrubbed out, washing your hands and arms, someone came into the room. “(Y/N)…” Will’s voice rang, a hand coming to your shoulder.

“Hey,” you said softly as you turned off the water and dried your hands. “What’s up?” Your mind was still calm, but when you looked up to Will, you could tell something was off.

“Don’t freak out on me, alright?”

“Will…?” You searched his face for the answer as he squeezed your shoulders with his hands.

“Just, promise.”

“Uh… I… okay…?”

“Okay,” he said with a sigh, knowing that was good enough. “Look, Jay was brought in, but-“

“What?!” You didn’t let him finish before trying to push past him to find Jay.

Will kept you in place. “No, no, (Y/N), stop, it’s okay.”

“This is NOT okay, Will! How are you so calm?!” The bile had begun to rise in your throat as you feared the worst. Tears jumped to your eyes and you had to see him. You had to know Jay was alright, even if he wasn’t.

“Hey, hey, look at me. It’s Will. Look at me!” You looked back up to Will, his hands squeezing your shoulders again to pull you back, shaking you a little. “Look, see, I’m right here. Let me finish before you break down, at least.”

You scoffed, a small scoff to hide the soft laugh of that last remark. Although you were on the verge of an attack, that pulled you back from the edge a bit, making you shake your head. “Just tell me then!”

“Jay just had a gash on his arm from a piece of metal he ran across. He just ran into a piece of metal. His sergeant sent him, just to make sure it was good. He is not shot. He is not hurt badly. He is coherent and walking around. He needed a few stitches, but that’s all.”

You searched Will’s face for any sign of him playing down the injury, but you knew Will wouldn’t lie to you. You let out a breath, wiping your face. “No, I still have to see him though because… if I don’t, I’ll never recover from this feeling.”

“I know,” Will replied. “Come on, he’s in five. But you know if you go in there like this, you’re going to have to come clean?”

“I need to see him,” you affirmed as Will walked you downstairs to where Jay was.

When you got there, you walked in and pushed the curtain back over the door to ensure you had privacy. You nearly broke down as you saw Jay, his shirt off, a bandage on his upper arm. Whether from anxiety or relief, you had no idea. The emotions pulling you in different directions was crippling, and you just stood there, trembling as tears streaked down your cheeks.

Jay looked over you as you stood, frozen in time, hot tears racing down and dripping off your chin. He got up quickly, his soft voice finally hitting your ears. “Hey, hey, (Y/N), what’s the matter?”

As he caught you between his arms, you started to sob, nearly collapsing into his chest. “Fuck, Jay!”

Jay was surprised, but caught you with ease, holding you close to his bare chest. “What did I do this time?” He teased, trying to make you feel better.

You were barely in the mood as you took a fist to his chest, hitting him softly. “Don’t even joke, it’s not fair!”

Jay turned more serious, pulling back to look at you as you sobbed. “Hey… hey, just tell me what’s going on.” You couldn’t muster any more words, wiping your face with your hands. Jay pulled you over, sitting on the bed and pulling you to sit beside him. “(Y/N)?”

“I have… I have this… this intense fear,” you finally spoke, soft words only coming out with your breaths. “This intense… burning fear… all the time… that…” You swallowed hard, leaning into his shoulder on his uninjured arm.

“That what?” Jay prompted after a moment of silence.

“That you’re going to come in here and die!” You sobbed out, moving to cling to him again, arms around his torso. “Jay, every time a cop comes in here, I can’t take it! Anxiety and panic takes me over! I-I can’t! I love you so much, and I can’t lose you!”

“Hey, hey baby, you won’t lose me. You won’t.” Jay held you tightly against his chest once again, kissing your head. “Hey, come here, look at me.” He pulled back, letting you sit up and then gently taking your chin in his fingers. He tenderly pulled your chin up, then leaned down to meet you, planting a soft kiss to your lips. When he pulled back, he let out a breath. “Nothing will ever take me away from you… Nothing. Ever.”

With that, your emotions finally leveled out. You swallowed hard and reached up to cup his face, looking over his freckles. You smiled a little as your eyes met his. “Promise?”

“I promise,” he replied, matching your smile and leaning down to kiss you again.

#chicago pd #chicagopd #jay halstead #jay halstead x reader #detective Halstead #detective Jay halstead #x reader #oneshot #fanfiction requests

[stefanmikaleson1864]

My Heart is Missing

Jay Halstead X Reader 

My Heart is Missing 

A/N: This is based on the last couple of episodes where Jay left to go back to the army. I’m also gonna be real honest I haven’t seen much sense he left so I hope you all like it ! 

If you like my work please comment like and reblog it means a lot to see interactions on my work. 

Y/N’S POV 

You and Jay halstead where on earth do you even begin with the two of you. He was already in the unit when you started. Voight partnered the two of you up .

It was a match right away. The two of you hit off immediately, and everyone in the office saw it. You both were always joking and laughing. 

You were also the person he trusted the most in the world. Whether it be late night locker rooms or at a old dive bar over a few drinks. 

You never got tired of being with each other. It was like no matter how much time you spent with each other it was never enough. 

The day he asked you to move in with him it wasn't even a second thought. I mean you two were already basically living together. 

Then the day he took you to your favorite dive bar and it was all decorated with lots of directions you knew something was up. 

He took your breath away when he got down on one knee. He looked up at you with those baby blues and your heart stopped beating 

“Y/N the best day of my life was when I meant you and every day after that has been even more amazing. And everyday i ask myself how lucky am i that you choose me. Someone who you think deserves being with you. I don’t ever want to loose that so will you marry me” Jay asked 

“Well it’s about time yes hell yeah” you said. 

He got up and kissed you hard and you both had happy tears running down both of your faces. 

The rest of the night was a huge party filled with laughter and love. 

About a year had passed and you finally both got married. It was in Trudy's backyard. Filled with twinkle lights and flowers. 

You were a simple dress and you felt beautiful. It was casual but something you both imagined it would be. 

Antonio was the one who married you two. The night went surpisingly off without a hitch. You couldn’t help but sit back and wonder how the hell you got this blessed. 

6 months sense then had passed and now it was like your world was completely flipped. 

Jay had been distant these past couple of months. Work has been a lot dealing with everything going on. We didn’t know who we should trust anymore. Our relationship with Voight was always a rocky one but now it felt like it was getting a lot worse. 

He was being really weird and trying to break the team up it felt like. In a time where we all needed to be united it felt like he was dividing us. 

The team used to be so close now it felt like we barely even talked outside of work. It was also taking it toll on me and Jay. we used to tell each other everything now we barely talk.

When we come home we both just kind go our separate ways. Jay will watch a game on the TV and I go back to the room and watch TV. 

We wouldn’t have our dates anymore or morning coffee together. The car rides in the morning were also weren’t even talking about us anymore. 

Before everything happened we were talking about marriage and babies. We were so happy now it was like a empty shell was sitting in the bed. 

You didn’t know what to do because you both knew you couldn’t go on like this. Something was going to break and you were so scared that it was going to be the two of you. 

Jay had to be have thinking the same thing because lately things were extra different with. He was hiding phone calls and being secretive. 

You knew he wasn’t cheating Jay would never he was way to good of a man. You wanted to ask but you were to afraid to ask him. 

So you figured when he was ready he would come and talk to you about it. You were just worried on how long that was going to take. 

Before he was a open book. He would always tell you everything down to what he would eat for lunch. 

It was hurting that what ever was going on he didn’t think it was worth sharing. It made you feel like you weren’t even his partner anymore. 

Right now you were currently laying in bed. Dreading the morning day. You barely gotten asleep and now you had to bring yourself to get up. 

Jay was already up and moving around. You could hear him and the way with everything was going you wanted to try your best and avoid him. 

It was a good thing that today you were both off. And even though  you were off you couldn’t make yourself go back to sleep. At this point there was no use. 

You got your phone off the night stand and started scrolling through your stuff. You were scrolling for a while you didn’t realize how much time had truly passed. 

When the door opened up and you almost broke your neck to see who was at the door. 

Jay walked in and gave you a somber look on his face. It was hard to read what was going on and he looked like he was struggling to. 

Before the two of you would be in bed right now cuddling and laughing and having a blast. Now the bed was cold next to you. 

You struggled to on what to say trying to read the situation before breaking down. You missed the warmth of the broken man in front of you. 

“Hey come sit wit me” you said pulling the covers back and creating a space for him in order to lay. 

He walked over to you and kind of sat up straight. It was like you just meant the man he was being so distant. 

You reached over and touched him and pulled him down so he was laying next to you. 

You both just kind of looked at each other for a moment. No one was saying anything which was really nice at that moment just enjoying each other company. 

“Hey” you both said at the same time making you both laugh 

God you missed his laugh. 

“You go” You said smiling at him 

“I need to talk to you” He said 

Your heart sunk into it’s chest and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. 

“What’s going on” You asked swallowing the lump in your throat. 

“I’m leaving” was all you said 

You could feel the tears following down your face and he reached over and grabbed your face and wiped the tears off. 

“Why i mean I know things were bad but I was holding out hope” You chocked out. 

You couldn’t even see everything was blurry from the tears. 

“God no hey look at me” Jay said 

You looked at him and he had a sad look on his face. 

“Hey not you i am not leaving you I am re enlisting i’m going to Bolivia” He said 

You sat up and was leaning against the headboard. You took your hand and wiped your face so you could see properly. 

“Why would you re enlist” You ask 

“Because I don’t like the person I am becoming in the unit things have changed and i don’t wanna be that cop and look at us we haven’t been okay and I want us to I love you” Jay said 

“So what you think leaving will help” You asked in a rhetorical voice 

Jays head just kind of dropped before he spoke up. 

“Yes I do I love you more than anyone or anything in the world and if I stay in the unit I’m gonna get worse were gonna get worse we need to do something and this way I can help people and know who the bad guys are” Jay said 

You were struggling to understand how leaving would help wouldn’t you stay and want to fight. 

“I don’t understand” was all you said. 

“Look baby I love you I do and i’m not leaving right away like 2 weeks okay. I was gonna ask you should take some time off of work” Jay said 

“We could go away for a little bit before me and you and go to greece like we always talked about” Jay said. 

“Yeah that sounds amazing we both could use it” You smiled. 

“Why didn’t you talk to me about it thought before deciding to just go” You asked 

“Because you would try and stop me and if you did I didn’t know if I would have the strength to leave” Jay said 

“You are my heart Jay halstead and I support you always and honestly if this is what you need” You said. 

“It is and when i come back when my tour is over we can re group you know. Talk about a family and a life okay I’m just helping out a friend this isn’t forever” Jay said. 

“Okay yeah just for a little bit” You said 

“Just for a little bit” Jay said. 

After Jay laid down and he pulled you close to him. Your head was on his chest and you could feel your heart beating. 

The two of you haven’t been this connected in a while. But for once in a while you finally felt lie some hope was coming back. 

This wasn’t going to be end this was just the beginning. A new chapter was closing and the other one was opening back up. 

You did need the time off first thing in the morning you were taking off you and Jay were always going to go on the dream vacation. 

Maybe it was what you needed to re spark everything.  And as hard it was to let Jay go you know you needed to. 

All you knew while he was gone your heart was going to be Missing.

#jay halstead #jay halstead one shot #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead imagine #One Chicago #one chicago imagine #one chicago x reader #Chicago PD #chicago pd imagine #chicago pd one shot #chicago pd x reader

[cpd21district]

Hi,stranger

Connor Rhodes x Halstead!sister reader

So I had this idea in my head for a bit  let's see how it goes I apologize in advance for my English, I hope I can spend more time on it and improve

Coming back to Chicago was quite easy, starting a new job right away  it allowed me to create a new routine and I also met new people and I started making new friends too, even if the hardest part was seeing my brother again after years of complete silence.

It was also difficult because the last time we saw each other we were kids you can say while now we are adults, but it didn't take us much to get back on track, moreover Jay and I have always been too similar.

Six months ago I started my new job as a nurse in the Gaffney ER, last month Will was back in town too and for the first time in years we are all together and we even get along, hopefully it will last a long time.

Today seemed like any other day we were all ready for the inauguration of the new department when the party was interrupted by a train accident, a disaster.

From the moment the first patient arrived we didn't stop even for a moment now it's night my shift ended hours ago, but the situation has calmed down only now.

I'm in the locker room while I change to go home I think of the new doctor who arrived in a rather daring way today, I thought I had left him in the past but here he is and it seems that we should work together starting today. However, I decide to leave these thoughts aside and go home, I'm exhausted.

I'm in the hospital parking lot when I hear someone call my name, I turn around and there he is Connor Rhodes...

"hey"

  "hi stranger" I thought I'd sleep on it before meeting him again but here we are

" how are you?" connor asks and smiles at me and i will never admit it out loud but i missed him

"tired, I can confirm that this doesn't happen every day, definitely a first day to remember right?"

“Definitely not what I expected, I didn't expect to see you, how's it going in Chicago? and your brothers?”

"well I must say I missed home and my brothers you should have already met one"

"well of course Dr. Halstead of course, luckily you don't look alike" he smiles at me

After a while we say goodbye and part ways once at home I head to the shower to wash away the day before watching an episode of 2 broke girls with my beloved ramen.

#one chicago imagines #One Chicago #chicago med #connor rhodes #connor rhodes x reader #halstead sister #will halstead #connor rhodes imagine

[poppadom0912]

99 jay Halstead

Prompt 99 'Let's have a baby'

A/N: It took me a minute to write this but here you go! Hope you like it as much I do. Posting this as a sort of celebration of the new seasons.

*****

You came home with such an emotion painted on your face that it brought a smile to Jay's face despite the horrible day he had. There might've been casualties today but with you walking in with the biggest smile on your face, your dimple shining so much he was blinded, you could turn over any day.

"Look at you." Jay smirked, putting his beer down on the coffee table and coming towards you, waiting for you to finish putting everything away before leaning down and kissing you, feeling your smile against his lips.

"What's with the smile?" Your husband asked, letting you drag him back to the sofa, sitting very comfortably on his lap which he did not object to.

You had to stop yourself from getting lost in his eyes, your hands cupping his jaw, not bothered with the prickly feeling his stubble brought.

"Let's have a baby."

You said very seriously, your smile dropping in your seriousness as you watched him closely for any type of reaction. The two of you had been married for nearly two years now and yes, you'd have the occasional talk about children but after the wonder-filled day you had as a paediatric nurse, you finally caved.

"Baby." Jay said under his breath, forcing you to pinch him to make sure this was definitely real life and not a dream. "Don't lie, it's not funny."

Your soft smile and hands on his face were what made Jay realise that this was real, the biggest smile breaking out as he chuckled.

"I thought you'd never ask." He pulled you into his embrace, your head falling into his neck, arms going around his chest while his went around your back, pressing multiple kisses into your hair.

Stifling your giggles against his lips, you continued to kiss him, quick, short pecks and long, passionate ones which was the cause of the two of you moving to the bedroom.

*****

You thought nothing of your dizziness and sudden vomiting episode you had, blaming it all on the fact that it was flu season and you worked with kids who had no care for sanitation.

However, you did start putting some thought into it when you struggled staying on your feet, stumbling when you tried to get out your chair and walk towards a room to do your job.

It was purely coincidence that Will had a patient he moved from the ED up to the PICU, having just so been in the area when he witnessed you stumble in the corner of his eyes.

In a literal split second, Will was by your side, holding you up when your feet struggled to hold up your body weight. "Woah Y/N, you okay?"

Overly cautious and worried for his sister-in-law, Will watched your every move, waiting for something good or bad to happen or waiting for you to get your bearings together; he wasn't too sure.

"I- I'm okay." You slowly nodded, trying to blink the blurriness away and bring back your normal sight but failed. With how very poorly you were feeling, a heavy weight pushing down on your chest, you knew you weren't going to walk away from this alright. "Will, Will I'm gonna-"

Before you could properly warn him, you collapsed into your brother-in-law's arms, dropping like you were nothing but a rag doll.

"Get me a gurney!"

*****

Waking up in a bed you couldn't familiarise yourself with was daunting and had it not been for the ring on the hand holding yours, you definitely would've tried to escape.

Hearing you groan, Jay's eyes snapped up to yours, sighing in relief when he saw you blinking in confusion. "Oh thank goodness."

"What happened?" You asked, still groggy from fainting. You eyed the needle in your hand, following the clear tube up to the IV bag hanging besides your bed.

"You fainted." Jay replied. Despite his endless hounding at his brother for answers, Will kept it short and promised that he would tell him everything once you regained consciousness.

"In the middle of the work?" You groaned, digging your palms into your eye sockets. Everyone was going to be like guard dogs around you for the next few days, even if you repeatedly reassured them you were completely fine.

Before Jay could reply with anything remotely snarky or sarcastic, Will knocked on the treatment room door frame, smiling at your conscious self, you were looking much better than you were back in the PICU where you looked near dead in his arms.

"Welcome back." Will smirked, glancing down at his ipad with information from your bloodwork and all the tests they did on you. He both ordered and read them hours ago, the only people knowing what it said was himself and Maggie.

Clutching your husbands hand, your tried to not dig your nails into his palm. "What is it?"

"Well... It's not an it." Will bit back a smile, putting down the ipad on the bottom of the bed that your feet didn't reach, thanking the nurse for preparing the ultrasound for him.

"Your blood tests showed elevated levels of HCG." He looked at the two of you, gauging your reactions which were very different, your eyes wide as you realised what he meant while Jay glanced between you two in confusion.

"Will, I don't-" Jay cut himself off when the nurse turned on the ultrasound, Will warning you of the cold, quickly applying gel and bringing the wand to your stomach.

It was too early to hear a heartbeat but you could clearly see a little blob sitting in a clear sack. The little blob was yours and Jay's and it was in your stomach where it would be for a long but short time of 9 months.

With tears in your eyes, you had a wobbly smile when you looked at Jay who tore his eyes from the machine, his green eyes watering too when they met yours.

"We're having a baby."

#chicago pd x reader #one chicago fic #one chicago imagine #one chicago x reader #one chicago fanfiction #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead fanfiction #jay halstead fic #chicago med #chicago med x reader

[imjustwritingg]

Look I love Tracy but I can’t help but feel it was evil of her to post the halstead doll knowing that she already filmed the first episode and the outcome of that but still felt that she needed to post it not once but twice. Just felt not right of her and I still want to know why she did it

I’ve gotten so many asks about this and similar things, some not so nice, so I’ll answer this one to kind of encompass all of it…and I apologize in advance because I’m about to get a little preachy…

I get it. I get it. It’s frustrating and confusing and it hurts. We don’t know why things are they way that they are, we can only assume, and all these little things like the doll and trust the process and Luce’s comments and every other thing that has pointed to Hailey and Jay being reunited feels like someone is poking at a tender bruise and laughing at our expense.

But I truly don’t believe Tracy would do something like that with the doll or anything else with the intention of leading fans on. She is not a cruel person. We also don’t know what she knows or what the terms were of her signing on for another season. She could have very well fought tooth and nail for some sort of happiness for these characters. But like I have said before it is not her decision, or Jesse’s for those asks in my inbox. We can’t blame them for how their characters are being written. It’s not on them, they don’t have creative control.

Right now, we have no idea what will happen, but at the end of the day it is the writers choice and Gwen’s approval as showrunner for what happens on this show. Be sad, be confused, get pissed off, but make sure you’re placing the blame where it belongs and not on the actors for simply doing their job.

[adri-2022]

Betrayed

Fandom: Chicago PD

Characters: Jay Halstead x VoightDaughter!Reader / Hank Voight/ Erin Lindsay/ Chicago PD members

Warnings: Swearing/ angst/ cancer related themes/ some fluff

Word count: 2741

Jay Halstead Materlist

A/N: Hi guys here is an original imagine, it's based on Chicago PD Season 3, Episode 10. I hope everyone likes it.

Don't be afraid to leave your comment!

-------------

Like every other day you were feeling exhausted, nauseous and plain out of it. A year ago, you were diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer, this marking a year after you got married to the love of your life -Jay Halstead-. You knew you had a predisposition to cancer, your mom Camille suffered and died from it when you were younger. So, in one of your annual check ups the terrible news came true, your family and friends were afraid you would suffer as your mom did. You were still having treatments monthly, already having taken this month’s chemo session.

It was hard on yourself, of course you were the one going through it, but for Jay. Well let’s say he had to see firsthand your parents history repeating itself. He was always there, for every sickness, through the depression state. He watch as you cried every night while pulling strings of hair from your head, and even after all of the treatments you had received to this day you looked healthy -the only noticeable thing, was the hair falling and the weight loss-.

Turning into your rock just as your dad had done for your mother all those years ago. Nonetheless he always tried his best to bring joy and happiness to you. Making you smile and laugh had turned into his daily goal -and his life promises-. Going home early, always bringing roses and pizza -your favorites-. Making sure you knew you could count on him to pull you back together in times of desperation.

You were currently home waiting for your husband to call you to have lunch together. Having a very weird feeling in your stomach, you went to lay down -its probably side effects- you thought going to bed.

Unknown to you your dad’s whole team was currently at Chicago Med attending a new case relating, victims being brought with chemo overdose. This struck a nerve deep down on everyone, turning to disbelief. Jay felt sick to his stomach by just thinking about you being in that situation.

“This is so fucked up…” Jay said looking around the room, while everyone shook their heads, Hank turning his gaze to the floor.

Just then Natalie Manning entered the room letting them know about another victim brought with the same diagnosis. While looking into the new victims stuff they found out all 4 patients knew each other, what they didn’t expect was the name Antonio said seconds later,

“I got a name. Doctor Dean Reybold” silence.

“What!” Jay said head snapping up at Hank, a terrified look on his face. Erin dropping what she had in her hands in the table, turning to look at Hank and Jay, same look in her eyes -recognition, fear, anger-.

Jay stood up rushing out of the room with Hank, Erin hot in his heels. Pressing the elevator button Jay tried taking deep breaths, nothing was working.

“Hank, Jay…” she said arriving at their side.

“Don’t. Don’t say anything Erin…I- I just wanna go home and see my wife” shaking his head trying to keep his ragging tears at bay. If this was true…

“Right…” Hank said stoic expression on his face -even though that wasn’t what he was going to do-

“Hey, I’m serious you can’t go” “Like hell we can!” Hank turned to look at her just as Alvin appeared behind her,

“No, I’ll go he won’t know who I am. If he’s the one overdosing this women…” “C’mon pal, just you and me…” Alvin tried to reason with Voight. Making Jay scoff, shaking his head, feeling like he couldn’t breathe.

“It been a year since I’ve heard that name” Hank started.

“We know…” Erin responded

“No. You don’t. He was the oncologist to diagnose Y/N’s cancer. He’s been treating her ever since…” Jay said turning to look at Al and Erin his voice breaking at the thought of you being another of his victims. Erin looked surprised she didn’t know you were being treated by Reybold.

“He last treated Camille and he has been treating my daughter too. If he’s the one doing this…” “We’ll get him Hank” Alvin finished making Erin nod. Hank nodded, turning to Jay who looked like he had seen a ghost, eyes red; so, putting a hand on his shoulder,

“Go home. Get Y/N to get checked let’s make sure…” he couldn’t finish the sentence, he just couldn’t. Jay nodded getting into the elevator, now alone bending hands on his knees while releasing his tears. This couldn’t be happening, not to you. From all the people in the world, not to you.

You had woken up from your nap currently in the kitchen having a glass of water and some pills for the nausea when you heard the door open, furrowing your eyebrows confused. Who was it? Jay wasn’t supposed to be home so early, but you were answered as you heard him,

“Honey!” “Kitchen…” then you heard his footsteps, when you saw his face, you knew something was seriously wrong. He rushed towards you picking you up by the waist in a bone crushing hug -what’s going on?- you thought to yourself. He sat you down on the kitchen aisle cupping both your cheeks, before taking a deep breath. Let the nightmare begin…  

You felt numb in the car, you knew you were crying when your tears hit the palm of your hand that was in your lap. You felt like you were floating as you walked hand in hand with Jay towards a treatment room. You sat in the bed feet crossed gaze on the wall, Jay slightly behind you sharing a bit of space on the gurney. You could barely register Jay’s left hand on your back, right hand in you thigh while you waited for the inevitable.

“Jay…Y/N…” your brother-in-law, Will said when he walked trough the door. Jay looked up at his brother’s face, unreadable expression which made him worry even more. He proceeded to give your thigh a squeeze getting your attention, nodding towards his brother the minute you looked at him.

“Will’s here…”

“I don’t think I can hear it…” you said looking at Will, your eyes puffy from the crying. Will nodded taking a sit in the chair next to the bed taking a hold of your hand. -This is it…- you thought.

“Just say it man…” Jay said,

“Test show you’re clear of cancer…” he paused as you and Jay sighed in relieve both closing your eyes, before he continued, “…there’s no trace of any- ever being present in your body…” you sobbed while Jay pulled your back to his chest.

He wrapped his arms around you, closing his eyes tightly trying not to cry. Will could only squeeze your hand, dropping his head. You never had cancer; test showed you were as healthy as they came -of course with the exception of all the side effects from the chemo that you never needed-.

You went back to the district with Jay, he didn’t want to leave you alone, and you didn’t want to be alone. Claiming the stairs to the front desk you were met with Trudy, who immediately rounded her desk to hug you -Jay had called her before arriving- knowing you needed her.

“We’re gonna get this asshole. You hear me, you have my word…” she whispered in your ear while you cling to her, nodding your head. When you pulled away, Jay pulled you back into him, arm over your shoulder while you continued your trip upstairs. Everyone’s attention turned to the both of you, Erin walking up to you hugging you.

“And?” Hank asked hugging and kissing your head. When you didn’t say anything as you went back into Jay’s arms, your dad looked at your husband.

“Test say she never had it…” he said closing his eyes calm voice while putting his cheek on your head. This sentence made everyone gasp silently. You were never ill. You heard your dad scoff before going into his office, Al following. Jay took you to the break room sitting you in the couch before he bend in front of you hand in your cheek, kissing you deeply.

In that kiss you both shared the desperation, the anxiousness, the pain and most important the love. You stayed foreheads together and eyes closed for a moment, until you broke the silence.

“He lied…” you whispered, while your husband caressed your hips,

“I know…” “He said- he said I had cancer” you said looking at Jay pained and betrayed expression. Before standing up and going towards the garage.

“Y/N! Hey- baby talk to me…” he said reaching the bottom of the stairs, making you shake your head while you started to paced back and forth in front of the cage.

“Baby, don’t do that…” “Do what!” you screamed, making him shake his head, then pointing at you.

“That!” he paused before continuing, “Don’t bottle it up! You have to feel it…” he said raising his voice slightly.

“I DON’T WANNA FEEL IT” you screamed at him, tears staring to roll down your cheeks. “FEEL IT Y/N. FEEL IT!” he screamed back, to this you paused chest heaving until you couldn’t anymore, and you started sobbing your heart out.

“He told me he would cure me. He made promises- HE KNEW HE COULD KEEP THEM! I never had this fucking cancer of shit…” you screamed in between sobs, looking at Jay angry look on both your faces.

“Fucking. Shit. Motherfucking. Asshole! I. FUCKING. HATE. HIM!” you continued yelling kicking the door of the cage with every word you said. He was right you needed to feel, you needed to grieve, and you needed to cry or else it would consume you.

During your ‘feeling session’, Jay had taken a sit on a bench nearby, just making sure to keep an eye on you. No one else could hear you from down here, so you screamed, cried and kicked. Jay just continued to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself. Averting his gaze when he felt that he would cry too. You were tired, your eyes were swollen, and you barely had any voice left.

Sniffing and taking a shaky breath one last time, you went and sat at Jay’s feet, putting your head in his lap. He put his chin on his hand looking down at you. You heard him sigh before you felt his hand on your hair,

“Better?” he asked, “…better…” he leaned to kiss your cheek.

“I love you. He will pay. I’ll make sure of it…I promise” he said to which you nodded, “I love you too”

“Hey sorry to interrupt…we’re hitting” Erin said looking worriedly at you, without second thought Jay bend down to kiss you before running up the stairs.

Arriving at Reybold office, Erin had found him in a conference room. The minute Jay entered, Reybold smiled sadly at him -Reybold knew who Jay was obviously-. This made Jay give him a dead glare, jaw tensing, before Hank entered.

“Destroying patient documents Doctor Reybold?” Hank rhetorically asked, “I have nothing to hide Hank…” Reybold said calmly.

“You sure?” Jay said taking a step closer to a sitting Reybold. “Wait you three know each other?” Reybold’s lawyer -Miss Green- asked,

“I treated sergeant Voight’s late wife” “That’s not all is it?” Erin asked disgusted look in her face,

“I’m also treating sergeant Voight’s daughter, detective Halstead’s wife…” “Don’t say another word” his lawyer intervened.

“You know who doesn’t destroy patient files- innocent people” Hank continued taking steps towards him.

“Hank, Jay, you know me. I was there with you when Y/N was diagnosed…” “Shut up! Don’t talk about my wife” Jay cut him off finger pointed at him, deadly look in his face.

“Cuff him up” “Gladly!” Jay said while yanking Reybold up from his chair and pulling him out of the conference room.

After that the team tried their best to get some information out of him, but there wasn’t anything useful. They had suggested that you testified but being honest you weren’t near ready to talk about the whole situation. You were feeling wounded and betrayed, both you and Jay saying a big fat no. Miss Shelby -the lawyer taking the case- had advised not to since it could be used to dismiss the case in court giving how personal it was for the unit.

A couple of weeks later now in court, sitting next to your husband his arm around your shoulders pulling towards him, while you had your hand on his knee. Your attention was pulled back when your dad took the stand. The case wasn’t going well, Reybold’s defense was dismissing every evidence intelligence brought, and they couldn’t bring in the victims for some technicality. Every question asked was objected; the team had nothing at this point.

That was until your dad said he had witnessed Reybold administering chemo to your mom.

“I saw Doctor Reybold dose my wife Camille who died of cancer under his care, and my son-in-law has witnessed my daughter Y/N receiving treatment from Reybold…” this made your blood run cold. Jay tightening his grip on you kissing the side of your head. Erin holding onto your hand for support.  

“I’m here. Breath…” Jay whispered in your ear. You blocked the rest of Reybold’s lawyer questions not wanting to remember how your mom was in her last days. This until Miss Shelby stood up again.

“Redirect…what other victims are you referring to Sergeant?” “Objection!” Miss Green objected.

“Miss Green questioned my witness about one prior patient Camille Voight and one current patient Y/N Halstead. Now she opened the door for all 42 patients he treated”

“She’s right overruled” you immediately saw the fail on Miss Green’s face. She knew they had lost the case for good.

“What other victims?” “Helen Graham, Nia Felton, Priya Parvati, Y/N Halstead and 38 other people this doctor diagnosed with cancer they didn’t have and treated with chemo they didn’t need”

“How do you know this?” Miss Shelby asked. “Because Doctor Reybold confessed to personally poisoning 42 patients, ruining their lives, terrifying them and their families, on court under oath…” you looked at your dad teary smile on your face, Jay pecking your head over and over again. While your sister squeezed your hand.

After your dad left the stand, you entered the room your he was in with Jay next to you, Erin finished hugging him. Which you took as opportunity to hug him tightly.

“Thank you…mom would be proud” whispering while he nodded, not showing too much emotion. Everyone knew Hank Voight wasn’t a big emotion showing person.

The jury had declared Doctor Reybold guilty of all charges, and while he shouted to your dad, saying that he had said the truth about your mom’s cancer,

“I would never harm Camille. I was their only hope, they got years because of me. You can’t put someone away for saving lives…” he paused before looking towards you. Making Jay shake his head warningly,

“Shut up…” Jay said serious look while he took a step-in front of you.

“I would never hurt you Y/N, I saved you…” he said, making you step out slightly from behind your husband,

“You’re just a liar and coward. Rot in hell you fucking piece of shit” you said so only he could hear you while he was being dragged away.

Arriving at home, you took your shoes off, about to walk into the living room when Jay pulled you back, cupping your face and kissing you deeply. You wrapped your arms around his neck thumb caressing his neck, pulling back looking at each other. He tapped your waist slightly so you would jump and wrap your legs around his waist, like that he carried you towards the couch. Sitting with you straddling his lap while he smiled when you pocked his nose.

“Thank you, baby…” you whispered looking down at him, which made him confused,

“For what hon?” he caressed your cheek looking deeply into your beautiful eyes.

“For keeping your promise” “Always beautiful” he answered pecking your lips, before you snuggling your head into his neck, his chin on top of your head. In this moment he was exited and grateful that he had the opportunity of a future with you. That you both could live without the paralyzing feeling of uncertainty, that one day you wouldn’t be there anymore.

#jay halstead x reader #chicago pd imagines #jay halstead #jay halstead fluff #jay halstead x y/n #jay halstead x you #fan fiction #one chicago fic #jay halstead angst #hank voight daughter

[reidsvest]

(gif is not mine,credits to @hotch-girl )

Hello!I'm completely new to this so first things first.My name is Avra,my pronouns are she/her and I am 21 years old.I'm currently on my third year of college, studying away from my home which sadly means traveling a lot, so i'm not sure how much or often i will be able to upload fics but I will be trying my best.Also my native language is not english and while I will be proofreading my fics before posting,I apologize in advance for any mistakes.I have a really big rambling problem as it has already become evident.That will probably be showing in my fanfictions and in the actual rambles i wish to post about whatever episode of criminal minds I'm watching so I feel like I want to apologize in advance for that too and I hope that it's not too boring/annoying.I promise my thoughts follow a logical order😂

Like I mentioned in my description I love everything spencer reid (and cm in general), jay halstead (same for cpd) and charles leclerc (you guessed it roughly the same applies to f1).Honestly what I'm trying to say is that I love most characters on chicago pd,criminal minds and many many drivers from formula 1 but the ones I mentioned are my top favorites.I have watched almost every single film that matthew gray gubler has acted in,i pride myself for making it through some really weird scenes but at the end of the day it was worth it for more mgg content to feed the obsessive monster.I also absolutely adore elizabeth olsen/wanda maximoff but i will not be writing for her.This is also a great moment to state how much i love Taylor Swift and her music!I am tho completely open and would love to talk with anyone about wanda or any of these topics.

My fanfictions for starters will be of the above mentioned characters (mostly spencer reid as he is my current biggest obsession) and will be female reader x character fics.I will be writing angst and nswf content (probably a mix of both) so minors please do not interact but I will also be writing fluff too. I'll try to post my first fanfiction soon-ish but I just wanted to write a quick introduction to my blog and say hello!If you read this whole essay,thank you so much!I cant wait to start!🧡🌼

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #doctor spencer reid #dom! spencer reid #jay halstead #mgg #matthew gray gubler #jesse lee soffer #jay halstead x reader #charles leclerc #chicago pd #f1 #charles leclerc x reader #spencer reid x y/n #introduction #formula 1 #matthew gray gubler kill 68 #chip taylor #spence reid

[cynicalone94]

Fanfiction Master List

Hey guys,

I've been a whump fan since I was a kid. My primary mode of expression is through writing fanfiction.

Most of my work is in the Chicago PD fandom with Jay Halstead as my number one target. I also write fiction here and there for Marvel, Brooklyn 99, and 9-1-1 Lone Star.

Chicago PD

I Don't Have Any Beneficiaries Anyway

Alternate Ending to 2x03 Weigh Station. When Jay fails to get the upper hand and is traded for Alex Price, the team scrambles to find him before its too late.

Just Another Day

Jay gets hurt during a raid. So just another day for the Intelligence Unit.

Rather Take a Bullet Than Get a Flu Shot

Friendly teasing goes too far. And just why does Jay hate needles so much?

Cost of Doing Business

A trip to Med to meet his brother for lunch becomes more dangerous than Jay had anticipated.

He's My Brother

Will knows about the death of Roy Walton and the cover up and he's not happy with his brother's new wife.

Living Donation

With his daughter's life on the line, a rich businessman makes a risky decision. But did he make the right choice?

Your Boy Tough

An annual taser recertification course brings up bad memories for Jay.

In The Wind

In a dense forest, sometimes even ten feet is too far.

I'd Rather Stay At Work

Jay actually admits he's sick. It doesn't go well.

Imbalance of Power

Sometimes the easiest way to make someone talk is to give them the upper hand.

Sacrifices

How do you judge whether a sacrifice is "worth it"?

Where He Should Be Safe

A sixteen part series of Jay having a bad time in places where he should be able to feel safe.

The Past Has a Price

When someone from Jay's past returns to take Will hostage, will the brothers make it out of this one alive?

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Tag to 2x20 The Number of Rats. Gregory Yates becomes aware that Will Halstead is being questioned and sees an opportunity to shift the blame. **Update 11/19 Tags and warnings have been updated to include rape/noncon elements. It's kind of implied with the Tag to 2x20 but better safe than sorry. There's nothing explicit in this story but it is mentioned.

Upstead One Shots

A series of oneshots featuring Upstead and their beautiful family.

Up-Hill

Tag to my story In The Name of Justice. They might not be on the best terms but when Jay has a panic attack, Will can still find a way to bring him home. Pre-series.

Repaid in Kind

Tag to 9x13 Still Water. After Dylan was arrested, they thought all that was left to combat was Hailey's guilt over not saving Lisa. Turns out there was more.

Tripwire

Pre-series story from Jay's days in Afghanistan. Tag to Guilty Until Proven Innocent. How did Jay recognize the sound of the tripwire in time to dive out of the way?

What's Your Verdict?

The final day in court to wrap up a case that Intelligence has invested so much in takes a surprising turn. Hailey is put in a difficult position and every choice that she makes can only hurt her husband more.

Witness Tampering

The mundane lead up to a trial suddenly becomes a race against time when Hailey's husband is kidnapped to keep her from testifying. Will they find Jay in time? Or will a dangerous criminal evade justice yet again?

Chrysalis

An on the job injury changes Jay's life forever and he struggles to navigate the aftermath.

I Don't Know Me

Jay (at least that's what she said his name was) wakes up after a serious head injury with no memory of who he is or what happened to him. He's relieved when a woman shows up, telling him his name and claiming to be his wife. Finally, someone to fill in the blanks and answer some questions. Only… something about Meredith doesn't seem quite right and he isn't sure he can trust her. But what other choice does he have?

Friends in Strange Places

Jay is taken hostage by drug dealers when a sting goes sideways. But when they find out that his name isn't Ryan Clarke things take an interesting turn.

Missed Opportunities

Have you ever watched an episode of Chicago PD and been disappointed that Jay wasn't more seriously hurt? Well then you're a monster but you're also in the right place because so am I. Alternate episode endings focused on the idea of increasing Jay Halstead Whump.

Childhood Secrets

When Jay learns that the man who molested him as a child is out of prison and that two of the man's other victims have been brutally raped and murdered since his release, he's pretty sure it's not a coincidence. But will he survive long enough to prove it?

Missing PTSD Moments

Missing moments from the show where the events taking place really should have triggered Jay's PTSD. Starting with the ambush from the opening of Forty-Caliber Bread Crumb.

Stigma

When a minor on the job injury opens a can of worms, how will the team handle the revelation that one of their own has been trapped in an abusive relationship? And that another member of the team isn't the person they thought she was. NOTE: This story might be difficult for Erin Lindsey lovers. Please know that I do not hate her, nor do I think she was abusive to Jay, she just fits with the plot that I've come up with.

9-1-1 Lone Star

Burner Phone

Someone from TK's past arrives in Austin to make amends. But is everything as it seems?

Making Him Jealous

When Sadie Beck escapes from prison, she finds another crazy way to get the relationship with Owen that she thinks fate has promised her, making him jealous. Will Carlos survive her latest strategy?

Miscellaneous

Thanksgiving - Brooklyn 99

Jake gets hurt when he and Amy's fathers are fighting, adding injury to insult. Tag to "Two Turkeys"

First Impressions - Marvel

Bruce Banner gets to meet Tony's new intern.

#masterlist #whump writing #jay halstead

[sarah-cam]

ONE CHICAGO FAVORITE CHARACTER SHOWDOWN 2023

hey everyone! since we're going into almost a month-long hiatus until new episodes return, i thought it might be fun to hold a little event now that tumblr has polls. i ran a similar event where the fandom voted on their favorite characters, ships, seasons, and overall show (those results are here!) but that was over 2 years ago now. we have some new characters and i thought it would be fun to see how things have changed!

i will be posting polls for each show on the following dates and they'll remain open until the next round. feel free to reblog them to share who you voted for and why, or just to spread the word! every poll will be tagged with the show, characters, and #ocfaves2023

ROUND 1 > April 8 ROUND 2 > April 12 ROUND 3 > April 19 ROUND 4 > April 26

WINNERS > May 3

note: all pairings were randomly generated to try and give every character a fair shot off the bat

Chicago PD > ROUND 1

Trudy Platt vs. Vanessa Rojas Kim Burgess vs. Adam Ruzek Hailey Upton vs. Antonio Dawson Erin Lindsay vs. Alvin Olinsky Jay Halstead vs. Kevin Atwater Dante Torres vs. Hank Voight Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz vs. Sean Roman Nadia Decotis vs. Sheldon Jin

Chicago Fire > ROUND 1

Matt Casey vs. Darren Ritter Leslie Shay vs. Brian "Otis" Zvonecek Joe Cruz vs. Emily Foster Blake Gallo vs. Randy "Mouch" McHolland Stella Kidd vs. Peter Mills Sylvie Brett vs. Wallace Boden Gabby Dawson vs. Violet Mikami Christopher Herrmann vs. Kelly Severide

Chicago Med > ROUND 1

Sharon Goodwin vs. Daniel Charles April Sexton vs. Connor Rhodes Natalie Manning vs. Hannah Asher Ethan Choi vs. Will Halstead Sarah Reese vs. Maggie Lockwood Ava Bekker vs. Crockett Marcel Dean Archer vs. Noah Sexton Robin Charles vs. Vanessa Taylor

#chicago pd #chicago med #chicago fire #one chicago #* #ocfaves2023 #tusersel #userheath #tuserthay #sincerelygabby #tuserhailey

[karihighman]

Just wondering how any of this evidence could lead to JLS leaving Chicago PD in s10. Like I don’t understand. He’s been nothing but grateful & enjoyed every moment on set for the last 9 seasons and 187 episodes. His portrayal of Jay Halstead is something he loved/s doing for his job. Make it make sense @ NBC. ☹️🤔

#chicago pd #jesse lee soffer #jay halstead #upstead #tracy spiridakos #hailey upton #cpd season 10 #cpd season 1 #he deserves better #he loves it #make it make sense #@ nbc #crossover #SVU crossover #sophia bush #the fans #jon seda #laroyce hawkins #patrick john flueger #marina squerciati #grateful #enjoy every minute #live life to the fullest #that’s what he does #so why leave now? #cpd 100

[halsteadlover]

Shadows From The Past

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Fem!Reader.

• Requested by anon: I don’t really know if this is how you make a request if it’s not correct me but would you possibly be able to write one where Jay has an episode because of a criminal that took tours in Afghanistan as well, like an episode in the show in season 5 I think. Where the criminal gets shot and dies and J is the only one there and you go to check up on him and he points gun at you because he’s having an episode idk I really don’t know, but could it end in him apologizing a lot and feeling really bad then just cuddles?? Thank u and uh if you see this could you pls just remind me when it’s done possibly. Thank you so much!!!❤️

• Warnings: mention of blood, gun, PTSD.

• Word count: 5825.

• A/N: hi everyone! Long time no see. I know this is ugly af but I tried my best. I hope you’ll like this piece anyway, please let me know what you think. Comment, like, reblog if you want this would be amazing! Thank you so much for your support, and for everyone who stayed even if I upload once every 100 years 😭 I love you all so much ❤️

Jay had always tried to do his job the best he could, giving everything in his power to every case he worked on, always trying to focus on nothing but bringing justice to the poor victims. He had always tried to be as objective as possible, leaving emotions out and thinking and planning every move to make lucidly. Some cases were easier, others a little less.

There were moments of his life, some shadows of his past, that still echoed in his present. They sometimes came back so strong and overbearing, they made him risk his present, all his progress and happiness, even his future.

And the case he was working on was one of those moments.

Following the discovery of a man's body, Intelligence was assigned to investigate this case. After questioning witnesses, analyzing the victim's life, talking to family and friends, suspicion fell on a person Jay met while serving overseas in Afghanistan. In fact, Don Stanton had served in the 3rd Battalion of the 75th Ranger Regiment at the same time as Jay, but he had never had the opportunity to speak in depth with him.

In fact, after returning home, Don didn't do too well, soon spiraling into drug, alcohol and illegal dealings.

From the moment they found out about this suspect, Jay felt something stir inside him, though he didn't know exactly what. He tried to disguise it or he would’ve estranged from the case but he couldn't hide his feelings from you, who knew him like the back of your hand and had learned to know every single nuance of him and recognize when something bothered him.

To try to get Don to confess, Jay offered to go undercover, build a relationship with him in a way that would make him trust him, and no one could be perfect for this role except someone who had gone through the exact same shit during the war as Jay.

It goes without saying that you didn’t agree with this decision at all and Voight would’ve even agreed with you if this wasn’t the only lead you got to catch the killer.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” you asked Jay as you adjusted his hidden microphone in his shirt. “You can always back out, someone else will go or we will find other leads to catch him.”

Jay sighed. “It's an undercover operation like any other Y/N, if anyone can do it it's me.”

You looked up at him, your hands still on his chest as you tried to analyze his expression on his face. “No baby, it's not an operation like any other. The suspect served in your own battalion, you met him and you can tell from a mile away you're upset about…-”

“Goddamn Y/N stop it! You've been asking me if I'm okay since this morning! I'm fine, I don't need a babysitter!” he snapped raising his voice and this sudden outburst made you withdraw your hands in shock.

Jay immediately regretted those words the instant he said them. He noticed the sad expression that appeared on your features and felt guilty like few other times in his life. “Baby… Shit…” he sighed again, running his hands over his face in frustration. He cupped your face in his hands, forcing you to look at him. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I don't know what has gotten into me. I’m sorry baby.”

You remained silent for a few seconds, looking at him for a moment before speaking. “Jay I'm just worried about you, I know it's hard for you but I want to help you… It breaks my heart seeing you like this,” you mumbled softly, your throat tight in a knot, your heart heavy.

“I know, I know, I’m so sorry love. Come here,” he whispered, pulling you into a hug and holding you with all the love he could. “It'll be okay. I can do it. You don't know what people like him are like, like me, he won't trust anyone and if there's someone who can make him confess it’s me. We served together, we saw the same crap, I can understand him,” he continued, pulling away from the hug and looking into your eyes.

You looked at him intensely, as if you wanted to read inside him, trying to discover a shred of hesitation or uncertainty.

“Jay, you are not like him, he is an alleged murderer, drug addict and alcoholic, you are a decorated detective. Don't even think for a second you're like him, okay?”.

He caressed your hair, and then nodded, smiling slightly. “I know, I know.”

“If something, anything, goes wrong you're out, you understand me?” you threatened him, pointing a finger at his chest.

He chuckled, caressing your cheeks. “Yes ma'am. Everything will be fine, I promise.”

If only he believed it too.

The truth was, Jay's mind was racing and image after image, memory after memory, everything seemed to be resurfacing, moments of the past he wanted to forget at all costs but which was about to overwhelm him like a river in flood.

He didn't want to talk to you about it, he knew he'd get over it – just like he had all time – he didn't want to worry you any more than you already were.

While he was in the car waiting for Don Stanton to show up, he read the message you sent and a small smile crept onto his lips.

From Baby D💕, 3.13pm

Be careful love. I'm here for whatever you need. I love you.

That message made the abyss in his heart grow and a feeling of guilt took over him. But the way he loved you, God, he didn’t know what he would’ve done without you.

From Jay, 3:16pm

I love you too babe, more than anything and everyone. Everything will be okay.

He put the cell phone back in his trouser pocket, trying to concentrate exclusively on the case. He sat in the car for about ten minutes before seeing Don in the distance. He looked around suspiciously before approaching Jay's car and quickly getting in.

“Drive,” Don ordered, and Jay gave him a confused look.

“Where? What is going on?”.

Don snapped his eyes at Jay. “Didn't you say you wanted a job? Drive then. Go straight, at the first crossroads turn left, I'll tell you from there where to go next.”

Jay understood there was no way to get an explanation and after letting out a sigh, he started driving, aware that you and the rest of the team would’ve followed him from afar.

After driving for about twenty minutes, he and Don arrived at an abandoned building. It looked shabby and it must’ve been unused for at least twenty years.

“What the hell is going on Stanton?” Jay asked, for the umpteenth time. Don stopped in his footsteps, turning to him, looking annoyed and angry.

“What part of ‘I'll explain in a moment’ you don’t understand?”.

“I won’t do anything until you explain to me what hell is going on. This place is clearly a mile away from legality and I'm not risking my ass for whatever bullshit is going on here. So either tell me what's going on or I'm out.”

Don sighed, glancing between Jay and the building, looking uncertain, even almost frightened. Jay noticed this and realized whatever was going on, they weren't alone and that there was nothing good about that abandoned building.

He approached Jay, walking fast and hands in his trouser pockets. “Then leave.”

“C'mon man talk to me...”.

“Damn it! I'm in deep shit man, I can't back out!” he exclaimed in despair.

“Why? What did you do?”.

They were all at the edge of their chairs as they listened through Jay's microphone conversation, knowing that a little nudge was enough to get Don Stanton to confess.

“Don, talk to me. I can help you, I know you're not doing well, I totally understand. You don't have to do anything, whatever it is...”

“You can't help me… I… I fucking killed a man!” Stanton exclaimed loudly, running his hands through his hair “But it wasn't my fault! They forced me! I… I really needed the money…”

There were some moments of silence in which you and Voight exchanged a look. He confessed, but why didn't Jay arrest him?

“What are we going to do here Don?” Jay asked, trying to stay calm as his heart was pounding.

“They gave me another job. A gang member… They want me to kill him and they’ll pay me almost ten thousand dollars.”

“Don, for fucks sale! No life is worth this money! How can you do this? You were a fucking soldier, you risked your life to protect others, to protect this country and now you're the one hurting people!” Jay exclaimed, more angrily than he would’ve liked.

“I know! I know! They've foreclosed on my house… I'm out of money… I need it man…” Don muttered.

“Halstead what are you waiting for? Handcuff him,” Voight ordered over his mic but Jay didn't seem to listen, in fact, he didn't even seem to be on this planet anymore.

You were worried sick, your stomach was in a vice. You knew Jay couldn't do this, he was too involved to be able to deal with all of this, to deal with his past.

“Voight we have to do something,” you said, turning to your now impatient boss.

“Let's just wait few seconds.”

But when you saw Jay enter the building your heart stopped for an instant and fear took over. Before Voight could say anything, you leapt out of the car at lightning speed, waiting for no one, thinking of no one but Jay.

You pulled out your gun from your holster before entering the abandoned building. It was larger than it appeared externally and at first sight there was no sign of Jay.

Your heart was beating so hard you could hear it pounding in your ears and with every step you took, fear ate you more and more. What the hell was he thinking? Why did he come in here alone with a criminal?

As you climbed the creaking stairs to the first floor, a shot rang out from the walls and you jumped. “Oh my god,” you murmured in a trembling voice before starting to run as fast as possible towards the place where the shot came from. Your mind began to project images of Jay lying in a pool of his own blood, dying, and the very thought made you die inside.

God let him be okay, please.

Once you climbed to the third floor, however, you saw him in the distance but before you could take a step towards him or even take a sigh of relief, a bullet was fired in your direction, forcing you to take cover behind a pillar.

A gun fight with some men ensued, and though you knew you had to focus on saving your own life, you couldn't help but glance at Jay from time to time, noticing him hunched over Don Stanton, trying to revive him.

The rest of the squad arrived at that moment and you managed to take down three men who were shooting at you. You approached Jay while the others explored the rest of the building for anything suspect.

“Jay,” you called but he didn't seem to hear you as he tried to stop Stanton's bleeding, “Jay,” you called him out again but still nothing, no answer. So you placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to make him aware of your presence but that touch made him stiffen and you almost had a heart attack when he pulled out his gun and turned, pointing it at you.

“Woah!” you exclaimed loudly, spontaneously raising your hands to let him know you were unarmed, “Jay, what the hell are you doing?!”.

His gaze was fixed on you but he wasn't really looking at you, his eyes were empty, without the light that characterizes them, his forehead was wet with sweat as his chest rose and fell quickly as if he had run a marathon.

“Jay put that gun down. It's just me. Can you hear me? Everything is fine.”

You continued to speak but your voice reached far into his ears which continued to ring incessantly. You didn't dare take a wrong step, or try to get him to put down his gun because you knew Jay wasn't there right now, that his mind was unconscious and his body uncontrollable. He was still in war and he saw you like an enemy and not his girlfriend.

But that didn't make the moment any less scary.

Jay, the person you most trusted in the world, with whom you felt safest, was pointing a gun at you and anything could trigger him to shoot you. You've never felt so small and helpless, even after facing the most dangerous and depraved criminals, you felt so scared and intimidated.

He'd had similar episodes, where the PTSD made him lose touch with reality, but he'd never come to that, never pointing a gun at you and threatening to hurt you.

“Jay!” you almost screamed and only then did Jay seem to come to his senses.

When he realized he was pointing his gun at you a wave of guilt fully overwhelmed him and he dropped the gun from his hands in disbelief at what he had just done.

What the hell had he been up to? Was he really point a gun at you? The love of his life?

He couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe he was capable of doing such a thing and as he watched your face contorted in an expression of pure fear and terror, as he watched you back away until you ran away, he realized he seriously needed help.

-

The case was finally closed but never like then it left you an unbridgeable abyss inside you.

Since you'd left that building you'd been trying to avoid Jay even though he'd been trying hard to talk to you. You knew it wasn't his fault, that what happened was just a consequence of everything he'd been through, that knowingly he wouldn't do anything that could hurt you.

But that episode had shocked you more than you could ever admit and the image of that gun pointed at you continued to haunt your mind.

You were at your house, sitting on the couch staring at nothing in particular, contemplating whether to respond to Jay's many texts and calls. You knew you had to talk to him, you couldn't avoid him forever, but you needed some alone time first, to digest everything that had happened.

But when the bell rang you understood this was not going to happen.

You stood up and your heart skipped a beat when you saw through the peephole it was Jay. You took a deep breath and opened the door, realizing you couldn't avoid him forever and sooner or later you had to deal with the confrontation.

Jay was a walking disaster.

He didn't know what to say, what to do, how to act and especially when he noticed the way you kept avoiding his gaze, he panicked even more. You made room for him to enter and he felt his heart break when, in an attempt to say hi, you pulled back slightly.

“Uhm… Hi… Come in,” you murmured nervously before going to sit back on the sofa.

Jay closed the door behind him, walking over and sitting next to you. You brought your knees to your chest and he didn’t miss this gesture, he didn't miss the way you tried to distance yourself from him, how you tried to protect yourself by moving away from him.

“How are you feeling?” you asked feebly, finally looking up at him and a chasm opened inside you as you saw his tired, destroyed eyes, the melancholy expression on his face.

“I'm fine but...”

“No Jay,” you interrupted him “Don't start with these lies, you know I can't stand them. You pointed a damn gun at me, you are definitely not fine.”

You knew it was tough, but it was time for him to face the shadows of his past that kept haunting him, it was time for him to face reality and realize he wasn't good at all, that he kept lying to himself and pretending to be in a state of well-being which, unfortunately, wasn’t true at all.

He sighed and it was him who lowered his gaze that time, unable to look in your eyes anymore. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans before resting his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. He was silent for a moment before returning to his previous position.

“You're right…” he murmured, almost afraid to admit it aloud, “I… I'm not okay I know, I’ve realized it… But Y/N, darling, I just want you to know I would’ve never done that… I would never hurt you…”

“Jay…” you sighed “I know that, but… But what if you won't regain control of yourself next time? What if you won’t come to your senses and shoot me?”

“No! No! Fuck… This will never happen again, I swear…”

“And how do you know this, Jay?” you asked, a lump in your throat, eyes brimming with tears as you tried to hold them back. “How do you know you’ll be able to stop the next time that in the grip of a similar episode you’ll point a gun at me again?”.

Jay had never experienced a worse feeling in his life. He always promised himself he would given his life to protect you, that he’d do everything in his power to keep you safe, that he’d rather die than know you were suffering.

He loved you more than anyone else in the world, more than he ever thought he’d love someone and knowing he was the one who tried to hurt you, destroyed him. He’d never forget the expression of fear, terror and pure shock with which you looked at him in that damned building, it would’ve haunted him forever.

“I would never hurt you Y/N, you… You are the most precious thing in my life. God, I'd die to protect you…” he babbled in desperation.

“I know, Jay. I consciously know this,” you answered, putting your feet on the ground and approaching him without touching him. “I want to help you, but...”

“But what?” he whispered, his green eyes bright with tears as he looked at you. A tear slid from your eyes onto your cheek but you immediately wiped it away before you spoke again. “You want to leave me right? You are afraid of me?”.

You remained silent for a moment.

“Y/N I… You can't leave me please, I can't do this without you, I need you. You're the only person I'm still here for, helping me through this shit… Please…”

You cried. “I have to protect myself Jay,” you wiped away another tear “I don't want to leave you, God. I love you so much…”

“But you're afraid of me,” he stated, swallowing the lump in his throat. He looked down at the floor and his shoes to try and mask the tears he couldn't control anymore and streamed down his cheeks. He stood up, suddenly feeling suffocated, and ran his hands over his face as he began pacing around the living room.

“Hey…” you said, standing up and approaching him. You placed your hands on his arms to make him stop and he directed his eyes at you. They were red and shiny from tears and God only knew how much it hurt you to see him like this, how much he didn't deserve all that suffering.

You placed your hands on his face, wiping away his tears with your thumbs. “God baby,” you whispered “I hate seeing you like this…”. He hugged you, squeezing you so tight it made you gasp for breath.

You hugged him back, putting your arms around his neck and letting yourself be cradled by that embrace. You stroked his hair while he hid his face in the hollow of your neck, letting go in a desperate and liberating cry.

“It's okay love, it's okay,” you whispered, as you too were crying, “Let's sit down.”

You sat back on the sofa and you hugged him, letting him rest his head on your chest as he let out all the anger – mostly towards himself – and sadness he felt.

“Cry all you want, I'm here. I don't want to leave, I'll always be here with you Jay,” you mumbled, caressing his hair. He wrapped his arms around your chest tighter, as if he was afraid to let you go.

“I'm so sorry my love. I didn't mean to scare you… When…” he sighed “When I realized what I was doing, the way you were looking at me…” he couldn't finish the sentence, because just remembering the expression you had in that moment pushed him over the edge again “God Y/N I will never forgive myself for what I did...” he got up, sitting on the sofa and running a hand through his hair “When I saw your face… That moment I understood I seriously need some help, I don't… I can't risk hurting you, losing you, I don't want you to be afraid of me. I want to be your safe haven, I don’t want you to doubt for even a second I can intentionally hurt you… I… I don't want you to look me with that terrified and fearful look again... I can't...”

“But I'm not afraid of you Jay, I know you were going through a lot , the case was heavy to deal with…” you tried to comfort him.

“Yes you do,” he smiled at you bitterly, eyes and nose still red from crying “No lies remember? You told me before and even now…” he tried to stop crying but failing “You hugged me and you were tense and the thing is, I can't even blame you… It's only my fault for believing all the shit the war brought me could just go away on its own and I will never be able to forgive myself for how I reacted, in that building, when you were putting my mic...”

“You weren't yourself,” you whispered.

“I know… But I won’t let you to suffer the consequences of what happens to me… But on the other hand I'm too selfish to let you go, I love you too much Y/N and I know if you're not here I… I'll never be able to face this alone.”

“But I don't want you to go through this alone,” you retorted, grabbing his hand with yours and intertwining your fingers as your eyes were on his. “Jay I will never leave you… You’re my whole life and I want to be with you at every step you take, I know it will be hard, I know it isn't easy, I know there is a long way ahead but we’ll do it together. I won't leave you alone… I was just scared in that moment, let's be honest, who wouldn't, but I don't want to abandon you, okay? I just need to know you’ll really, really, try to face these ghosts.”

“Absolutely, I don't want to hurt you anymore…”

“No baby, you don't have to do it for me but for yourself,” you didn't let him finish the sentence “Because you went though what no other human being can go through and you deserve to be happy, to fully live your life, to do your job serenely, you don't deserve to wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares. You are strong, one of the strongest people I know and if there is anyone who can do it, it’s you, love, okay?” you stroked his cheek and he nodded faintly.

“Promise me you'll really try? Not for me though,” you continued as he looked at you with all the love he felt for you. “I can take it, past the fear I know it's not your fault baby, you don't control it. I can't even imagine what you're going through, what you saw over there, anyone who didn’t experience it will never be able to, but I swear Jay I… I would die to give you all the happiness you deserve.”

“You are my happiness,” he retorted and you smiled feebly when you saw him calm down a bit “Tomorrow I’ll look for someone and start doing therapy, I promise I'll do it, for you, for me, for us.”

Your smile grew on your lips. “I know you will. I'm so proud of you.”

“So you won't leave me?” he whispered so softly he almost sounded like a child intimidated by the response he’d receive.

“No baby, never, I swear. I'd take a bullet for you if it means to make you happy.”

“Don’t even joke about that,” he mumbled. He placed his hand on yours which was still on his cheek, then bringing it to his lips and leaving a kiss on the back without his eyes ever leaving yours. “I love you so much Y/N, so fucking much I can't even breathe right now. I don't know what I did to deserve you,” you smiled again “I always want to see you smile like that, God… I can't even explain what you do to me. I… I want to make you happy as much as you make me happy. I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry for everything...”

“Shh, it's okay, it's not your fault I want you to put it in this cute little head. I love you too Jay so much, more than you can ever imagine.”

You stayed on that sofa embraced for and indefinite amount of time, cradled in each other's arms. After some time you managed to get Jay to eat something before letting him take a shower, needless to say he was going to sleep over at your place.

You both got into bed and, due to the exhaustion, the intense emotions experienced that day, it didn't take long for Jay to fall asleep, his head resting on your chest as you held him and hugged him. But you couldn't sleep a wink, the events of that day still clear in your mind.

When Jay woke up in the middle of the night, it didn't take him long to realize you weren't there anymore. He sat up in bed and looked at the time on his cell phone, which read 1:32 in the morning, before getting up and walking towards the living room.

For a fraction of a second he thought he heard a sob but he thought he just imagined it. But when this sobbing sound was accompanied by a sniffling, he knew he didn’t imagine them at all.

He walked quickly to the living room and his heart skipped a beat when, in the dim light, he saw you sitting on the sofa, your knees drawn up to your chest as you cried. He turned on the lights and didn't miss the way you tried - in vain – to quickly dry your tears.

“Y/N… Baby… God, what happened? Are you hurt?” Jay asked after rushing over to you, kneeling right in front of you.

You mentally let out a curse, aware that you wouldn't be able to escape this. “I'm fine,” you replied though, hoping for a nano second he’d buy it.

“Oh baby don't lie to me, you don't cry if you're fine. Please talk to me, are you okay? What happened?” he continued to ask worried. He grabbed a handkerchief from the top of the coffee table and handed it to you, watching you intently as you blew your nose. He sat down next to you and started stroking your hair in an attempt to comfort you.

“Don't worry babe, it's okay. Nothing happened, go back to sleep you're tired.”

“How can you even think I'll leave you here alone?” he said “Wait, I'll go get you a glass of water.”

Before you could object, he was up and in less than no time he returned with a glass of cold water which you drank with pleasure. “You want another one?” he asked and after you mumbled a ‘no’ he took the empty glass from your hands and placed it on the coffee table. “Are you feeling better?”.

You nodded. “Seriously baby, I'm fine, go back to bed.”

“How about you stop lying to me and start telling me the truth? You're making me worry to death love.”

You sighed deeply, feeling the urge to cry coming back. “It's just… It's been a busy day and I needed to vent.”

Jay was silent for a moment, wiping away a single tear that slid down your cheek. “Talk to me baby, I'm here for you.”

You shook your head and then stood up. “No, there is nothing to say. Let's go to sleep, I'm getting tired too.”

“No, we're not going to sleep until you tell me what's going on,” he stood up too, looking at you with such intensity it almost took your breath away. God why did he insist so much, why didn't he just let you cry and forget everything?

“I told you Jay, I was just venting after today.”

“Yes, but it's not only that, I'm sure,” he retorted, taking a step towards you. “Baby don't you trust me? You know you can talk to me about anything, I just want to help you.”

“I-it's not that, of course I trust you.”

“Then talk to me,” he pressed, now on the verge of losing his mind “What...”.

“I don't want to bother you, you already have so much to think about.”

“Y/N I want you to listen to me very carefully now because I won't say it again,” he spoke, placing his hands on your face to force you to look at him. “There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you, and nothing, I say nothing, is more important than you. You never bother me and never will. You want me to be honest with you, to ask for help, but you have to do it too, you don't have to be afraid to tell me about something it’s bothering you.”

You started crying again and he hugged you, holding you close as he stroked your hair. “It's alright baby, I'm here. Cry all you want, let it go. I won't leave you.”

“It’s just…” you sobbed at a loss for words, letting go as a wave of guilt washed over you. You placed your hands on his bare chest as he continued to hold you.

“Y/N, please, I hate seeing you like this. What are you afraid of? Why don’t you talk to me?” he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Because I feel guilty,” you answered so feebly you feared he didn’t hear you.

Jay placed two fingers under your chin, forcing you to look at him. “And why’s that?”.

Another sob escaped your lips and at that point you slightly moved away from him, no longer able to hold his gaze, his closeness. You ran your hands over your face and then through your hair, not quite knowing what to say.

“Because I was fucking terrified! And… And I feel guilty because I know what happened wasn't your fault, you weren’t yourself…” you sniffed as the tears continued to flow in rivers, leaving you not even a chance to talk “I know you’d never consciously do anything to hurt me but seeing you point that gun at me… Jay, I…” you sighed “I've faced criminals, murderers, but I've never been so afraid and terrified as today and for a moment I really thought you’d shoot me. The way you looked at me… God I can't get it out of my mind and I'm hating myself because it wasn't your fault…”

Jay stood there attentively listening to every single word you said as every second that passed he felt a part of himself die.

“That's why I didn't want to tell you about this, because I know you’re blaming yourself for everything and you're already going through so much Jay and I don't want to add this other burden on you...” you continued and at that point he approached you again, putting his hands on your cheeks and wiping away the tears with his thumbs as you did with him.

“Y/N…” he said your name as a little prayer “You really think I don’t know that? I know you, I know when something is bugging you, I know when something makes you feel sad. I saw the way you looked at me this whole evening, the way you were tense and I'm so sorry for putting you in this situation my baby. I hate myself so much for this, you didn’t deserve any of that,” he left a soft kiss on your forehead.

“And I love you so fucking much,” he continued “You're willing to suffer alone just to not make me worry but you don't have to. Your feelings are as valid as mine, you have to tell me when you're hurt, when you feel like crying, when you're scared even if I'm the cause. I want to listen to you and do everything in my power to fix what’s hurting you and I promise I will. We have a long way to go, you said it too, but we can't do it unless we're both honest with each other, if we don't express our fears, our apprehensions,” he said wiping away your tears as you did nothing but keep crying “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me Y/N, you saved me from a chasm that I am trying hard to climb over, you are my lifeline and I want to be the same for you. I can never apologize enough for what I did today, but I promise I’ll do everything I can to put all that shit behind me. But you need to talk to me, okay? You are so fucking important to me and I'm okay if you're okay. I can't focus on anything else if I don't know you’re happy and to know that I need you to tell me everything that goes through your mind, and I will do the same… Okay baby?”.

You nodded and in response you pressed your lips onto his in a sweet, long-awaited kiss before hugging and squeezing him as if your life depended on it. He was right, God was he right about everything.

He was your everything.

Your sun, the love of your life, the reason for everything.

You were his salvation.

You were the light at the end of a dark tunnel, the first breath of fresh air after being underwater too long. You both knew that even in the most difficult moments you’ll be able to overcome everything and that you could always count on each other in joy, fear and pain.

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[torreshalstead]

wishing i was in his arms tonight

Summary - Hailey headed home for the first time in days after the failed bust. Her favourite person was just at the other end of the phone. AO3 Link

Notes - Because I’m living in a world where Jay and Hailey still talk and Hailey was lying to Sean to try and play him. And this is the result of not being able to get the episode out of my head at work today. Title from Miranda Lambert’s In His Arms. Hope you enjoy!

Warnings - spoiler warning as set immediately post 10x07

Closing the door to the apartment behind her, Hailey dropped her bag at her feet and ran her hand through her hair. The air in the room had gone slightly stale, the result of no one being in the apartment for over a week. Hailey had been sleeping in her car or working through the night, showering at the district, with no need or want to return home. Shrugging off her jacket and draping it over the back of one of the kitchen stools, she glanced around.

He’d been gone for weeks at this point but she still expected him to walk out of their bedroom with a casual smile on his face and offer to order dinner. That wasn’t the case tonight. She was alone.

Tugging her hair out of its ponytail she headed towards the bedroom. It had been a long day and the excitement she had felt when it had seemed like they had cornered Sean had faded the moment they realised they had been made. She’d been made. Now she was no closer to finding the girls and the thought that she had failed them was threatening to make itself a permanent fixture in her brain.

Throwing her clothes onto the chair on her side of the room, she glanced at the perfectly made bed. Before Jay, she had never bothered to make her bed every day, she never saw the point when she would be getting back into it a few hours later. But Jay had always liked a nice freshly made bed, a habit from his Ranger days, and although he never once asked her to do it, usually doing it himself, she had picked up the habit. She guessed that’s what happens when you live with someone, their habits become your habits. However now it was just another reminder that it was their bed and he wasn’t in it.

Running her hand through her hair and rubbing her scalp where the tight pony had pulled it, she headed towards the bathroom, a hot shower and a stiff drink was what she needed to put the thoughts of the day to rest.

Under the scalding hot water, she rested her head against the wall and let her mind wonder.

‘Hails, I swear you’re going to burn your skin off one day’, Jay had said when he joined her in the shower one morning, wrapping his arms around her waist and tugging her back into his chest. She let her head lean against his shoulder and allowed the water to cascade over them both.

‘You can always shower alone’, she said with a grin as she had turned around and looked up at him, wrapping her arms around his waist and letting her hands wander over his back.

‘Not a chance’, he answered with a matching grin and had captured her lips with his own.

The memory brought a smile to Hailey’s face as she remembered them being late to the district that day. Platt giving her a knowing look when she noticed her still wet hair and the stubble on Jay’s face that he hadn’t had time to shave. When they had originally viewed the apartment, the shower, big enough for two, was one of the top selling points. She remembered Jay squeezing her hand when he noticed it and the smirk that had followed when her cheeks had flushed.

‘It’s only right we christen it’, he had said, trying to drag her out of bed one morning.

‘We christened it when we moved in!’ Hailey said, ‘Twice if I remember correctly’, she allowed her husband to pull her from the bed towards the bathroom.

‘Not as Mr and Mrs Halstead, we haven’t’, he grinned as he turned around and picked her up.

Spinning around in the bathroom that morning, Hailey had felt a happiness she had never thought possible. Here was her best friend, her partner, her husband. The man who loved her more than anything else in the world, in their safe place together. She had wished she could bottle the memory so she would never forget that feeling.

A loud ringing from the kitchen pulled Hailey from her memories. She turned off the shower and quickly grabbed a towel, wrapping it haphazardly around herself as she ran into the kitchen. Grabbing her phone off the counter, she looked at the screen, she couldn’t help herself from smiling.

FaceTime Video - Jay Halstead

She answered and as soon as the grainy image of her husband's face filled the screen, the weight of the day lifted away.

‘There she is’, his voice crackled through the speaker.

‘Hey you’, she said softly as she headed towards the couch.

‘If I knew I’d be greeted with you in a towel, I’d have called earlier’, he chuckled.

‘Lies, you were out on patrol earlier’, she said. Some of the sparkle that was in his eyes at the initial call, faded. ‘But I know you’d have called earlier if you weren’t’. She smiled, ‘I just got in anyway’, she added.

‘Still trying to get something to pin on Sean’, he questioned, his brow furrowing. Hailey had kept him up to date with their plans involving Sean, most of their catch up calls being 5 minutes whilst she was on stake outs. This was the first time she had seen his face in almost 10 days.

‘Yeah, thought we had him, tickled the wire but think he made me’, she said defeatedly, running her hand across her forehead. ‘Tried to get him on side by telling him you were out of contact and hadn’t been in touch and I missed you’. She smiled as she met his eyes through the screen. ‘Not a complete lie’, she said quietly to herself.

‘I’m sure you’ll get him’, Jay said, ‘but Hails, make sure you’re taking care of yourself’. She could tell he was worried, he had that look in his eyes, the same one she had seen every time she threw herself too deep into a case. And she knew it pained him that he couldn’t be there with her to help her through it.

‘I am’, she said. She could tell he didn’t believe her, ‘I’m trying’, she said with a smile. ‘I’m going round to Kim and Adam’s this weekend for dinner, I think Kev and Dante will be there too. I think Adam just wants help putting together a bed for Mak’. She laughed, ‘Kim wasn’t impressed with the size of the box when it arrived, but you know Adam’. Talking like this was easy, it was like he was there with her, gossiping about their teammates, not worrying about what was waiting for them when they headed into the bullpen the next morning. ‘And you’ll never guess what’ she carried on, ‘Mouch got a motorbike and dropped Trudy off at the district this morning on it, both decked out in leather!’. She laughed and heard Jay match her enthusiasm. It felt like so long since they had laughed together.

They carried on like this for over an hour, swapping light hearted stories from his time with his new unit, and regaling him with stories of how Torres was fitting in and how she was certain Kim and Adam would announce that they had gotten back together soon.

Hailey shivered, she still hadn’t gotten dressed after the shower and the towel wrapped around her was doing little to keep her warm.

‘I’ve got to go babe’, Jay said looking somewhere off to the right of his screen. From the tour he had given her of his quarters when he arrived, she knew he was looking at the door. ‘Speak to you soon, I love you’.

‘I love you too’, she replied, the tinge of sadness that always followed these conversations slowly creeping in.

‘Try and get some sleep tonight’, Jay said with a knowing look and a wink.

‘I’ll try’, she replied and with that, the call disconnected.

Staring at the black screen of her phone, Hailey gave herself a moment. A moment to miss him, a moment to dwell. She had been so hyper-focused on the case the past few weeks and with her unfortunate habit of trying to hide her emotions, she rarely allowed herself a moment to just be sad. Sad that she was sat alone in their apartment. Sad that it was another night without him. Just sad. She knew it wasn’t forever, knew it was the best thing for Jay but that didn’t stop the way she felt.

Getting up and heading towards the bedroom, she headed over to Jay’s set of drawers. Grabbing out a t-shirt, she discarded her towel and threw it on. Scrunching up the material around the neck, she drew it up to her face and inhaled, it still smelt like him. Smelt like home. Glancing over at the bed which had remained untouched since the day that Jay had left, she headed back into the living room and settled down on the couch. She switched the TV on for some background noise and curled up under the blanket, Jay’s t-shirt still pulled up over her chin. She’d made a vow to herself that she wouldn’t sleep in their bed until he came back, and it was a vow she intended on sticking to. He’ll be back soon, she thought as she drifted off, dreaming off the day she’d be back in their bed and in his arms again.

#chicago pd #upstead #hailey upton #one chicago #chicago pd fanfiction #hailey x jay #jay halstead #upstead fanfic #upstead fanfiction #one chicago fanfiction #upstead fic #chicago pd fic #Chicago pd fanfic

[agent-bash]

I want to get on train positive too but help, please? What are you seeing that’s positive about all the things so many people are taking as negative?

I mentioned this earlier today, but the Halstead’s effect two shows. If they do something big and permanent to one, like death, that has to be reflected in the other show. It would have to become an arc for Will. It’s really not something they can vague away or resolve in an episode. It had a longer lasting fall out. That is a lot for, what I assume is a higher up’s decision, to put on two different creative teams. Whereas something like Jay getting promoted or even just transferred has no bearing on Med whatsoever. It’s not something they have to mention. 

Everything else is under the cut Nonny, ‘cause this went long… also I went on a bit of a rant.

One photo a fan posted of Jesse and there’s blood on his neck and hand. I can’t imagine him being that…careless I guess, if it were from something major to his character (also his own shirt wouldn’t be that clean. I think he was trying to stopping someone else from bleeding out. 

The photo of Hailey/Tracy looking sad on set from this week. I think that would have been from 4 (correct me if I’m wrong) and if rumours are true then that’s the school shooting episode. So I don’t think sad needs to be further explained if that’s the case. And the photo of LaRoyce (from presumably the same episode) is too graining to make out a mourning band, but we know Hailey isn’t wearing one.

There’s a new chief I don’t see a lot of people considering. They could easily demand Jay and Hailey not serve in a same unit because they’re married. And it is totally within their power to transfer one of them out. They could leave the choice up to them, but they can totally say: ‘One of you is leaving, I wanna know who by morning.’ More on this in a sec.

I keep seeing people saying that Jay would never take a promotion or a transfer, he never leave Hailey like that. The more I see this the more I hate for several reasons. 

1) So death is better? Really? I’m pretty Jay’s rather be alive and able to come home his wife every night, but you do you. 

2) Ordered transfers are a thing! Even if it’s not a promotion like in kind of hope it is, the new chief could order Jay leave the unit (see above). Voight could also order Jay’s transfer, as the commanding officer he can give the boot to whoever he wants. And Jay’s only fast option against this would be to quit on the spot. You can defer a promotion and transfer, sometimes, but only if it’s offered and not ordered. And you have to have good reason which is not something Jay has. Even putting their marriage aside, not wanting to leave a partner, is not cause. He could also try to fight it, but he still has to report to the assigned duty while the fight is happening, and he still has to have cause, which he probably won’t have. Again Hailey/not wanting to leave his wife is not cause. 

3) You can’t see Jay taking a promotion or lucrative assignment? You can’t see him leaving Hailey like that? Fine okay, again you do you. But even assuming he has a choice, I can’t Hailey letting him do that. She won’t let him give up what could be a good opportunity, for her. She won’t let herself stand in his way, and more importantly she won’t let herself be reduced to an excuse.

The casting call for a lookalike. Any kind of vision, or mind-fuck for Hailey like that I’ve seen going around, has never been PDs style. Even when a fake away like that happened on Fire, it was to introduce a new major character, and that really isn’t likely to be the case here. But a small glimpse of “Jay” so Upstead isn’t totally off screen? Something like Hailey coming home after a long/rough case, and walking into the kitchen to see Jay at the stove before a fade to black? Or her climbing Into bed and him already being in it? That’s a hell of a lot more plausible in my mind (even if it is a slap in the face).

Even the title of the suspected last episode for Jesse. “A Good Man.” That doesn’t have to be ominous. It doesn’t even have to refer to Jay. But let’s assume it does. We know PD takes it titles from things said in the episode so how about this from Hailey at the end of the episode. “You’re a good man, Jay. It’s gonna be different, but we’re good and we’re always gonna be good. We got this.”

#Asked and answered #Chicago PD spoilers #Chicago PD speculation

[memoriesofyouandi]

I was so excited for Chicago P.D. and now, now I’m not. I haven’t really let myself cry but in turn past day or so I have. It just all hurts so damn much.

Jay Halstead and upstead has helped me through everything that I’ve gone through with my dad and his partner and all of the chaos that’s come with it. Every time for the past 2 and half years when I first found Jay and upstead, every time I needed an escape or a reason to smile I would watch clips of upstead and Jay and I would feel better. Rewatching an episode of PD would do bring the same joy.

The fact that Jesse is leaving and not on his own terms just pisses me off. To kick off an actor that’s been on the show since the beginning and who had dedicated 10 years of his life to show that he loves working on is just shows that they’re making a giant mistake. I really wish that this was all a damn nightmare. After Jay’s left if they don’t kill him off which I really hope they won’t, I’m done watching PD. I’ve thought about watching just for Tracy because I love Hailey so much too but I just don’t think I can.

There is no PD without upstead and no Jay Halstead. Jesse is the heart of that show.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place but that’s where my head’s been at the past few days. I’m really going to miss Jay. The show will never be the same without him.

#chicago pd #jay halstead #hailey upton #upstead #jesse lee soffer #tracy spiridakos

[adri-2022]

Empty Apologise

Fandom: Chicago PD

Characters: Jay Halstead x DawsonSister!Reader/ Gabriela Dawson/ Antonio Dwason/ Silvie Brett/ Matt Casey

Warnings: Slight swearing/ angst/ mention of divorce/ toxic parent/ mention of adoption/ fighting

Word count: 2194

Jay Halstead Materlist

A/N: Hi guys this is an original imagine based on Chicago Fire, Season 5 Episode 7. I hope everyone is safe, and this is of everyones liking.

Don't be afraid to leave your comment!

---------

Today was a very special day for your parents. The thing is you were adopted when you were 7 years old by the Dawson’s, your siblings Antonio and Gabriela didn’t really see a difference in not being blood related to you -you were their little sister plain and simple-. What makes today so special? Well today was Ramon and Camila’s 40th anniversary.

Your mom -Camila- has always been your rock since the very beginning, while your dad always saw you differently. Always treated you like a stranger, never gave a crap about you, always made sure you knew you weren’t family -not totally at least-. He took every opportunity to make sure everyone knew it wasn’t his decision to make you part of his family. So, while today was a special day for them it would mean that you would have to listen to the comments.

Even more so now that you had gotten married and didn’t tell anyone but Camila and your siblings. You had met Jay through Antonio -one night at Molly’s- over 2 years ago. Got engaged at your one-year anniversary and 3 months ago you both eloped and got married.  

You were finishing your make up in your bedroom on the apartment you shared, you were wearing a thin strap royal blue dress. You were so engrossed on making sure you looked okay that you failed to hear the front door and the steps towards your bedroom. Just then you heard a whistle making you jump and turn around to be met with your husband leaning against the door while he admired you -heart eyes and all-.

��Damn…how did I get so lucky?” he whispered stepping towards you with slow steps. He looked so much handsome when he wore suits, you always thought they made his eyes pop. You giggled in response looking up at him when he took the last step.

“You look…wow…so…godamn beautiful!” he exclaimed the last part picking you up slightly, hand around your waist while you wrapped your arms around his neck biting your lip.

“Stop it, Jay” you said between laughter as he twirl you around, “What. I can’t compliment my gorgeous wife, huh, Mrs. Halstead” he said putting you down, arms still around your waist. He leaned in so he could kiss the hell out of you. Pulling away,

“Tonight- is going to be…” “Weird?” he completed making you nod putting your head down. You knew it would turn into a big deal; Ramon always behind it. You loved Camila to death, she was your mom, period. But there wasn’t much she could do when Ramon gets involved, like a good wife she would obey and stay silent.

Most of the time your siblings were the ones to stand up for you. You were too respectful to say something, you knew would come out very, very bad. Just when your thoughts were running wild, you felt Jay’s hand on the back of your neck raising your head, looking at you like you were the sun.

“Hey- everything will be fine. We’re going to be fine” hand still on your face, you nodded line tight smile on your lips.

Arriving at the anniversary venue, Jay claimed out of his truck going around to help you out. Taking a good look up and down your figure, while he smirked shaking his head. He was head over heels for you, and he loved to make sure you knew. Hand in hand you entered, immediately noticing your siblings with their respective partners. You felt nervous, which made you get closer to Jay hugging on to his bicep which made him turn slightly to kiss your head.

“Hey, hey, hey. There she is!” Gabby said smirking at you, making the others laugh.

“Hey sis. Se ven muy lindas, eh!” ‘You both look pretty’. You said while you hugged her tightly, she returning it -knowing how you felt-, saying hello to Matt and Silvie. The latter looking at you expectant,  

“She said we both look very pretty” Gabby interjected translating to Silvie, who smiled and thanked you,

“Hola cariño. Te vez preciosa” ‘Hi darling, you look beautiful’. Antonio was next, making you blush and smile before you hugged him, kissing the side of your head.

“I’m still learning people! But I can understand what she says when she’s pissed. It turns clear as day” Jay joked making the others laugh, with you bumped him slightly. Him smirking and throwing you a wink.

“Looking good Halstead” Matt said, “Well thank you. Have to make a good impression” which made Antonio roll his eyes.

“You don’t need to. You already got our blessing, you don’t need anything else” Antonio continued, pointing at him and Gabby. This made the girls -awe- mockingly, while the men -well they played tough men-. After a moment of silence,

“Hey, Y/N so I was asking Gabby if mom called her. She called me but when I called her back, she didn’t answer. Did mom call you?” you furrowed your eyebrows before shaking your head. He sighed, so you continued,

“Maybe she’s nervous. You know big night, lots of people. Prodigal daughter making an appearance, since the 30th anniversary” you said jokingly to what both your siblings snickered.  Just then you heard the voice of you adoptive father, announcing it was staring.

“I’m right here…I love you” “I love you too. Thank you.” you sighed, him pulling you by the waist while you walked to your sits -drinks in hand-. Man, how you wanted to drown this drink in one sip and get it over with.

“All right, settle in everyone…” Ramon continued, while you looked over to your mom who was sending a kiss to Gabby. Before she looked over at you smiling even bigger -she was happy to see you, it had been a couple of weeks since she has seen you, for everyone else, more than enough-. Then she raised her eyebrows teasingly at Jay, you chuckled before mouthing ‘I love you mama’.

What you failed to noticed was the look Ramon send your way, something Jay saw making him put a hand on your thigh, throwing a glare to Ramon. You looked over at him before leaning to give him a kiss. You don’t know how much time had passed when you heard your mom’s voice calling Ramon in a warning way, which made you look. Instantly taking notice of your siblings confused faces and Camila’s fake smile. You furrowed your eyebrows confused as everyone around you.

“Camila and I…are getting divorced” gasps could be heard along the crowd, your head snapped to Antonio who looked like he was ready to kill his father.  

“…it was a mutual decision” “It was not!” Camila encountered back, “More or less” Ramon continued.

“What’s going on?” you asked looking at Jay, who turned to look at you wide eyes, shaking his head letting you know he had no idea.

“What the hell is going on?” Antonio asked, rage in his eyes, “Just take it easy Antonio” “Easy…You’re embarrassing yourself…” “You’re embarrassing mom!” you exclaimed adding to Antonio’s words.

“She’s not your mother so spare me the lecture, kid” Ramon said sending an angry look your way,

“Hey!” Jay exclaimed standing up, your hand in his, Antonio following,

“Party is over. Everyone get out, so I can talk some sense into my father, who seems to had lost his mind” your brother screamed walking towards Ramon,

“Look at ma. Apologize to her. Apologize to Y/N!” Antonio continued, getting closer and closer to his father, which made both Jay and Matt hurry towards him. You were frozen, you felt like you were dreaming, and someone would come up to you to wake you up. But it wasn’t. You didn’t have a connection with Ramon but as a good sister you didn’t want Antonio nor Gabby to go through this.

“I apologize for nothing!” Ramon exclaimed -Camila had left, no one could really blame her-. This night couldn’t get any worse -oh but it could-.

Everyone was pretty much gone by now, it was just Ramon, Antonio, Silvie, Gabby, Matt, Jay and you, Antonio was going to knock some sense into him one way or another. You saw as Antonio reach forward to fight his father while some of your uncles held Ramon; Jay and Matt held Antonio.

“Get out, this is a family matter!” he pointed at where you were standing,

“I AM FAMILY” you screamed at him, pointing back at him, “NO, YOU’RE NOT” he screamed back.

“Just because you choose to ignore it, doesn’t mean others need to. You are the only blind person in here! Blood doesn’t make you family, Ramon. Because I would be damned if I was related to someone like YOU! I don’t need your empty apologies. Time will run out and you will be left with nothing but misery and loneliness. JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT YOUR BLOOD IT DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT” you screamed back. Everyone looking between you two -frozen-, tears in your eyes that you refuse to let out. Surprising everyone by snapping. It wasn’t like you to get into a screaming match, but you were so damn tired.

“You’re nobody to me, never have been, never will be!” pointing to you. You put your head down so no one could see you crying, Gabby reaching for your hand, you immediately pulled away, rushing out of the room Gabby and Silvie following behind.

“You don’t need to repeat it, you know! You’ve said it enough times already!” Jay snaped back, making Ramon’s gaze fall on him.

“Who do you think you are kid” “I’M HER HUSBAND. THAT’S WHO I AM!” your husband screamed; face stone cold. Ramon’s face falling slightly -not even noticeable-. Pretty much everyone was screaming at this point -furious was an understatement-.

“You have no idea who she is. You know… you deserve everything you just got. Don’t. Ever! Talk to my wife again, you hear me!” Jay continued pointing at Ramon -anger all over his face-. Antonio putting a hand on Jay’s shoulder -letting him know he was right-.

“Jay. Got get my sister. We’re leaving!” Antonio said, giving his father one last look, before shaking his head laughing humorlessly, the last of your group pilling out looking for their girls.

Jay had found you outside by the side door of the venue, crying silently -and freezing like crazy-. You felt something being draped on your shoulders making you jump,

“Hey- it’s just me” this made you turn around hands going around his torso while you cried in his chest. Jay could do nothing but hold you tightly while whispering sweet things in your ear and giving you little kisses, -what a fucked-up way to treat such an amazing and sweet woman- he thought.

Your sniffs and sobs making him more angry, closing his eyes and running his hand through your hair,

“I spend my whole life trying to please him. Trying to make him love me, and he can’t even see it…” “I got you let it out…” he whispered in your ear again.

“I- I remember how different he treated me compared to my siblings. He used to go to Gabby’s ballet lessons, and he would go watch Antonio box…and I was just there, but I wasn’t…He’s the reason I question myself if I deserve love…you have no idea how much that fucked me up!” you sobbed, getting out of Jay’s hold.

“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM!” screaming then shaking your head, and looking at Jay, who could only look at you pained expression on his face. He hated seeing you like this, he promised himself that he would never let you feel this way, now here you both were.

“I hate myself so much…and it’s all his fault…” you whispered covering your face with your hands. While his cradled you back into his arms rocking you side to side.

“I love you beautiful. I know you…” he whispered, which made you shake your head against his chest.

“Yeah, I do. You are the hottest woman I have ever met…” he joked making you huffed a tiny laugh,

“I know who you are…you are Y/N Halstead, my wife, and the love of my life. Don’t let him get you. I. Love. You. You really think I would marry you if you didn’t deserve love. Baby you deserve the fucking moon, I would turn into an astronaut if I could…” he exaggerated, talking with his hands -you knew it was his way of keeping your mind of things-

“A little late for that…” you whispered, “Fuck yeah!” he exclaimed making you snicker, your face still on his chest.

“You made this badass former ranger fall at your knees. All because of that karaoke night at Molly’s…” he joked, both of you laughing at the memory.

He looked down at you, smiling with so much love, reassuring you of your right to love and BE loved.

“Hey-What he says is…” “Bullshit…” you completed making him chuckle brushing your tears away, leaning down to kiss you deeply. Just bullshit…

#jay halstead x y/n #jay halstead x reader #chicago pd imagines #jay halstead #jay halstead fluff #jay halstead x you #one chicago fic #fan fiction #jay halstead angst #jay halstead x daughter