#just bc it gives me enough time to write and edit it without feeling rushed

[lincolndjarin]

Best Kept Secret

chapter twenty five : wedding bells

ao3 link ✿ series masterlist ✩ main masterlist ✧

pairing : bodyguard!Din Djarin x afab!princess!reader

rating : 18+ mdni

word count : 11.7k

summary : a plan to finally leave Naboo is set in motion.

warnings, etc. : language, smut, angst, canon typical violence, allusions to sexual assault, threatened sexual assault (a guy threatens reader, and is gross), vomit (reader pukes once, it isn't described in detail), oral f!receiving, p in v, creampie, din's breeding kink, teasing, orgasm delay, probably other things i missed sorry

a/n : genuinely sorry about how long this took, it's been a pretty rough month for me and it's been hard to focus, especially when i'm also trying to keep up with kinktober, i promise in november. my upload schedule will do back to normal. i've sort of been dreading writing this chapter for a long time just because i've known how i've wanted it to go for so long and i just wanted it to be right, double apologies bc idk when the next chapter will be out because it's gonna be a double release but i will keep everyone posted. also i super rushed the edit on this so like if there's a big glaring error feel free to message me about it.

comments and reblogs are appreciated !!

Four days of Leo. 

You were upset that Din was leaving you but you got over it rather quickly with the promise of his hasty return. 

The morning he’d left you’d gone back to bed, you couldn’t think of anything to do without him so you just slept, dismissing the girls when they came to dress you. Your makeshift bed is colder than ever as you toss and turn for a few minutes before finally rising. You managed to find a dress that wouldn’t require much assistance to put on, stepping into it before leaving only to find Leodall waiting outside your door. 

“Can I help you?” You give him a perplexed look as he clears his throat. 

“I’ve been tasked with protecting you while the Mandalorian is away.” 

What the hell is Leo supposed to do if you’re in danger?

“Is this Kodo’s doing?” You fight back the frown that threatens to form on your face.

“No ma’am. The Mandalorian instructed me to keep an eye on you.” 

Bastard. 

Of course he didn’t tell you Leo was going to be watching you while he was gone, he knew you’d be livid, which you are. You know better than to fight this, Leo’s terrified of Din, he’ll do whatever he asks of him. With a sigh you begin to make your way to the library, hearing his flustered steps behind you. 

You don’t want to be stuck with him in the library all day so you simply grab a handful of books before making a hasty return to your room. Much to your chagrin, he follows you in, keeping a watchful eye on you as you read. 

He does all sorts of nonsense.

He sweeps, and dusts, and fusses. Nothing is ever clean enough for him. You tell him it’s fine dozens of times but he just won’t stop insisting. He takes the sheets off the bed to be washed despite you telling him you don’t even sleep there. 

His orange complexion goes damn near white when he discovers that you’ve been sleeping on the closet floor. You explain to him with as much patience as you can muster that nothing he can do will stop you from sleeping in there and you find a compromise where he thoroughly washes every single blanket, sheet, and pillow while you try not to scowl at him. 

And he won’t stop talking. 

He doesn’t seem to take the hint. You can sigh and groan as much as you want to when you look up over your book at him but he just keeps going. 

The only time he goes silent is when you have to attend dinner with your husband. Leo accompanies you as Din would, standing behind you as you take your seat at the dining hall table.

Kodo looks… tired? 

You’ve seen plenty of emotions on that smug face of his, but exhaustion? Never. 

“Let’s make this quick.” He doesn’t even look at you as he takes a swig of whatever’s in his mug. You don’t grace him with a verbal response, just a nod and a hum as you take a sip from your own glass, hoping the water will soothe your nerves. 

They don’t even bring out any food as he writes something down, shuffling through the papers in front of him. 

“I don’t have a lot of time today…” He finally looks up at you, there are bags under his eyes and you can’t help but wonder what’s gotten to a man who seemingly cares about nothing. “Let’s get started, shall we?” He sits up a little straighter, giving you that smile you’ve grown to hate more than anything else in this castle. “My father is ill.” 

“I’m so sorry, my prince.” Your sympathies are emotionless, you don’t remember what his father is like. If he’s anything like the rest of his relatives you’re certain you wouldn’t care for him. 

“Don’t be, this is a good thing.” Of course his father’s sickness would be a positive to him. “They’ve already transferred many of his royal duties over to me.” Hence the exhaustion. “This is a very good thing, wife. You could be queen by the end of the month.” Your stomach lurches at the thought. 

Being queen means making heirs. 

“How wonderful.” You stare at him, really taking him in for the first time in a while. Maybe it’s just because you know exactly how ugly he can be but right now you have to wonder how anyone considers him attractive. You don’t even know what Din looks like but you know that purely based on his actions that he’s more attractive to you than this. 

“I don’t have much else for you, you are excused.” You blink at him a few times as he says it before shooting a confused look at Leo who looks as puzzled as you. 

“You don’t want to have dinner?” You try to not sound excited at the idea of leaving already as he nods. 

“I already ate.” He’s already ignoring you all over again, his eyes back on his work as he waves you off. 

So you go back to your room, smiling the entire time.  

You read, you eat when Leo brings you food, and you sleep. 

And that’s the routine. 

For nearly a week that’s what you do. 

You wake, you let Leo in when he knocks, you deal with it when he fusses, and you sleep. 

But really what you spend most of your time doing is missing Din. 

You miss the way he smells, and the way he balances you out. It feels like you’re missing an integral part of yourself, you’ve grown so accustomed to his constant presence and the sudden lack of it is jarring. He made the castle feel like home and without him it returned to its former glory, a prison. 

☆

Just as promised he returns, you’d hoped it would have been sooner but you’re just happy he’s back. You’d assumed the moment you laid eyes on him that you’d jump his bones immediately, but all you could think about was just how happy you were to see him. 

You just want to be with him. 

So you do just that.

And you take care of him, because it makes you happy to care for him the way he does for you. You don’t ask him about the trip, you know he’ll tell you about it when he’s ready. 

In the morning you hold him tight, and you tell him what you were told at dinner. That the king is sick, and you both know what that means. 

Despite the looming darkness, the morning is relatively normal after that. 

Until you get to the library.

He’d been staring at you for some time and you were just about to ask if he was okay when he spoke. 

“Do you know what riduur means?” 

Spouse. 

You’d seen it in the book while he was away. You’d focused on learning words that would most likely be relevant to your life with him. 

“No, I don’t think I learned that.” You’re mostly just curious if he’ll actually tell you. 

“It means partner, or spouse.” He sounds nervous, it makes your heart skip a beat. 

“Oh. Okay…”

He nods and you can’t help but be disappointed at his lack of followup. You try not to stare, keeping an eye on him as you return to your own book, in your peripherals you can see that he doesn’t even try to pretend to read, he’s just staring at you again. You get ready to shut your eyes when he starts playing with his helmet controls but he doesn’t remove it, instead he takes your face in his hands.

“Can I ask you something?” There’s no modulation as you hear his raw, unfiltered voice. His thumbs rub small circles into your jaw. 

Is this happening? Now? Or is he joking around again? 

“Of course.” You’ve been ready since the first time you thought this was happening. 

“Do you remember when I described the fear of love to you?”

Definitely not a joke. 

“Yes.” You couldn’t possibly forget it, you still feel it everyday. 

“Do you ever feel that fear?” 

Every single second of every single day. 

“Yes.” 

“I don’t want you to.” He releases your face, taking your hands in his instead. “I don’t want to either.” 

If he’s about to break up with you again you’re gonna kill him. You might actually push him out the window, he’ll be fine, he has his pack. 

“I don’t want our lives to be that. I want to leave, soon.” You sit up in his lap, the nook is a mess of tangled limbs and fabric from the skirt of your gown at this point. “B- but I want us to do something before we leave.” He’s usually so put together when he talks to you like this. Slow, well calculated words, but he’s stuttering a bit now, his voice nearly cracking as you give his hands a reassuring squeeze. 

“Okay.”

“Okay.” He repeats, nodding to himself before the helmet tilts up with a whisper of your name, it’s the first time you’ve heard your real last name and not Harand, in a long time. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” You really do.

“I have lived my entire life in hiding, behind masks and walls.” He takes your hand, bringing it to the lip of his helmet as he takes your fingertips, bringing them under it to hold them to his lips. “I can’t, and I won’t do that forever. I have said it before and I will say it again, I have no secrets from you.” Are you holding your breath? The tightness in your chest makes you feel like you are. “And you deserve a much more profound proclamation of devotion but I’m worried that if I try to do that I’ll lose my nerve. So instead I’ll just say it, and I’ll spend the rest of my days after this showing you just how devoted I am.” He reaches under his cowl, producing a small chain from around his neck, he fiddles with the clasp for a moment before holding it out towards you. Two silver rings hang from the chain. “Sarad’ika, let me spend the rest of my days with you.” He sets the rings in your hand. 

You’re briefly waiting for formal words but you realize those aren’t coming. This is more than a marriage. This is an oath to each other, a permanent bond of devotion. 

“Of course.” You whisper, closing your hand around the bands before swiftly removing his glove, pulling him to your lips to place a kiss to his palm. “Of course, Din.”

You stare into that thin black visor, the both of you just taking a moment to take each other in. And for a brief moment you get a glimpse of the life you could have together. 

A chance at something real. 

Freedom. 

A house. 

A family. 

“Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome, mhi me'dinui an, mhi ba'juri verde.” He murmurs, barely above a whisper.

“What’s that mean?” 

“Mandalorian wedding vows. I can teach them to you if you’d like.”

“What does it mean?”

"We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors."

You want him to take the helmet off. 

You’ve never felt such a strong urge to be face to face with him, to really truly see him in this moment. To know him and to be known. 

“And I want you to look.” He voices your own thoughts as he brings your hands to his helmet and you lean forward on instinct, pressing your forehead to the cool steel. You stare at the beskar mask. You’ve spent so much time wondering what lies beneath it but now you know that you don’t care, you imagine him as you’ve felt him beneath your hands. You tumble forward, wrapping your arms around his neck.You lift his helmet just enough to kiss him, to feel that warm familiar heat against you. 

“I want to do it soon, I don’t want to wait any longer.” He murmurs once his helmet is properly situated once more. 

“Absolutely.”

“One week from today. Elaine and I will plan everything and we can leave that night.” A week? 

“So soon?”

“It’s for the best.” You settle against his chest so you’re staring out the window at the palace grounds. Just holding each other for a few minutes until you finally speak. 

“It’s silly, but I actually think I’m gonna miss this place.”

“Really?”

“Not this place specifically, I won’t miss this far too large castle, and I won’t miss the arranged marriage of it all, but I’ll miss all the other parts.” You twist around in his arms to face him. “I’ll miss Lysa and Elaine, and the cabin, and being here, in the nook.” His grip on you tightens in an attempt to bring you comfort. “I’m really going to miss the people.” You are suddenly aware of just how fond you’ve become of the people of Naboo. You truly love and care for your subjects and a part of you is going to miss them terribly. 

“I’m sorry.” He truly sounds apologetic. 

“Don’t be. None of it compares to you, Mr. Djarin.” You don’t want him to dwell on any sadness you may have because none of it compares to how badly you want to spend the rest of your life with him. 

“Whatever you say, Mrs. Djarin.” He mimics your tone.

“You can’t call me that yet.”

“But it suits you.”

☆

You wear your ring like he does. On your necklace. He keeps his on the thin silver chain and you keep yours on the cord with the silver flower charm. 

You have one full week to prepare. 

Din assures you that he’ll take care of all the logistical parts of your escape, he says he’s got a plan and you leave it at that, trusting him to handle it. You make yourself a five day schedule. 

Day one, which is today, your engagement day, you will spend packing and gathering whatever you wish to take with you, you both agree to each take one bag and nothing else to make things as easy as possible. 

Day two, Elaine is going to fit you for a gown while Din finishes his preparations for your departure. 

For your third day you’ve convinced Din to take you into the city to say goodbye. You want to see the markets and you want to see the people, one last time. 

On day four, you will have to attend your final dinner with your current husband.

And on day five you will be married. Elaine supposedly knows a pastor who works in a chapel just at the edge of the castle grounds. She has told him that the Mandalorian wishes to wed a servant girl, when the sun sets you will meet him there, your face concealed and just like that, you’ll be wed. 

When he explains it to you it all seems so simple but actually making it through the week is much harder. 

You don’t pack any clothes, Din says you’ll just get new ones when the two of you find somewhere to settle. You plan on wearing a simple tunic and pants, you’ll change after the ceremony and you’ll have your honeymoon once you’re safe and off planet. 

You’ve been wearing the necklace Din got you for a while now you don’t have to worry about that. Otherwise you don’t honestly have many belongings. You grab a few books from the library you’ve been meaning to read, tucking them into the canvas bag he brought for you. You pack a blanket and a few pieces of jewelry you think might be valuable before buttoning it shut, handing it off to Din to be tucked away in the cabin. 

You can’t help but feel like you’re forgetting something but you push the thought away. 

That night, when you’re laying with Din in the closet you hold the rings up together, staring at the intricate detailing in a way you haven’t gotten a chance to do yet. You rest your chin on his chest in the dim lamp light as you watch the way the flickering bulb reflects off the silver. 

The outsides are rather pretty, matching patterns of swirls and vines, miscellaneous flowers adorn the band. The insides are different though, both carved with the same word you vaguely remember from your book. 

Riduurok

It represents a love bond. 

The difference is specifically that yours has a very small carving of a mudhorn, a sigil you recognize from his armor, while his is engraved with a flower. A piece of each of you. 

“They’re beskar.” He says softly. His helmet resting on your bare chest. 

“Like your armor? Isn’t this only supposed to be used on Mandalorians?” You drop his ring and focus back on your own. 

“They make exceptions.” He yawns, he still hasn’t fully recovered from the exhaustion of his trip and you wonder if he slept at all when he was gone. 

“Is this why you left? To get these?”

“Not just anyone can forge beskar, I needed to seek out an old friend to do it.” He adjusts himself a bit, fiddling with his helmet.

“They did a beautiful job.” You close your eyes as you say it, hearing his helmet hit the floor and his face taking its place against you as he lays back down. 

“She always does.” He reaches over, turning the lamp off.

“Why a mudhorn?” He laughs when you ask, rolling over so he’s on his side, still holding you. 

And before you fall asleep, he tells you a story. 

In the morning Din leaves you with a kiss on the forehead to go handle the final preparations of your departure while Elaine arrives with her seamstress kit and bundles of white fabric. 

You want your own dress for this. 

Not one of the ones tailored to you and paid for with Kodo’s money. 

She takes your measurements in silence, her face contorted in concentration as she notes everything. From the looks of it, she already has a good portion of the dress finished. 

It’s gorgeous. 

Pale, sheer fabric lined with dainty little dots. The skirt is layered, flowing freely when she pins it against your figure, fitting it to you perfectly. 

“Elaine… this is beautiful, when did you find the time to make this?” 

“I started it a while ago, I hoped you’d like it.” She smiles and it feels almost normal. Like two friends just looking out for each other. 

“I love it, thank you, I don’t know how I’m going to repay you for everything you’ve done.” 

“You’ve done enough just by being kind to me, princess.” He manages to speak clearly even when she’s holding pins between her teeth. 

“Please, you don’t have to call me that, call me by my name.”

And she does. 

When she finishes the dress you have to fight back tears, not just because of how wonderful of a job she’s done, but because of the sentiment of it all. 

“Will you come to the wedding? You and Lysa?” You take her hands in yours, as you stare at yourself in the mirror, white lace falling off your shoulders in beautiful layers. 

“If you’d like.”

“Nothing would make me happier. You give her hands a squeeze and she helps you out of the gown, after about an hour Din returns from his day spent finding you passage off of Naboo, laying down beside you in the closet, you’re in only your undergarments since you didn’t bother changing after Elaine was done.

“I missed you.” He mumbles as he crawls across the sheets towards you. 

“You always miss me.” He just laughs when you sit up on your elbows to smile at him.

“I got us a ship.” He murmurs, you barely get a chance to cover your eyes before his helmet is off, his mouth on yours as he climbs on top of you. 

“Where’s it taking us?” You gasp out when he finally pulls back, tugging at the latches on his armor as he sits up on his knees. 

“Wherever we want. It’s a cargo ship, making multiple stops throughout the outer rim, we’ll be able to get off whenever.” You listen, eyes still shut, counting as each piece of armor is set on the floor until the last one is off. 

“What about our great escape? What’s the story?” His knee slides between your legs as he crawls back on top of you, holding himself above you so you have to strain your neck to kiss him. 

“The princess ran off on her own volition. She was unhappy for a long time and finally couldn’t take it anymore.” He pulls back just enough that you can’t find him without your sight, whining as you slump back against the pillows. “Elaine will spread whatever rumors she needs to to make it true.” 

“What about her loyal Mandalorian bodyguard?” You reach up, opting to just pull him down to you instead of trying to find him yourself. 

“He was embarrassed, ran away with his tail between his legs because he accidentally lost the princess.” He lets you pull him against you, his face finding a place under your jaw, his stubble brushing against your neck as he does. 

“Didn’t realize he was such a coward.” You let out a breathless laugh as his chin brushes against a particularly ticklish part of your throat. 

“Apparently he was a real baby about that kind of thing.” You feel a soft bite emphasizing his words as his teeth graze your skin. 

“What a shame.”

“Truly.” He ends the back and forth when his mouth dips between your breasts, licking a strip of the skin there before sliding lower. “Do you have any other plans tonight?” 

You just cleared your whole schedule. 

“Nope.” 

“Perfect, I thought we could do some married couple practice?” He lifts your legs up, resting them on your shoulders as he presses several tender kisses to your thighs. 

“Married couple practice?” You’d do just about anything he wanted you to right now as long as he doesn’t stop what he’s doing. 

“Well we’re gonna be married in just a few days, we should probably practice.” There’s a brief shuffling as he tosses his gloves aside before hooking a finger on your panties, you’re waiting for him to tug them down but instead you just hear a few rips and feel his breath against your mound. 

“I don’t exactly get what that entails…” Your words are shaky as he runs his thumb along the crease between your thigh and your cunt. 

“Well I was thinking all day, you know, while I was busy missing you.” He finally puts his mouth on you and it’s barely enough. His fingers spread you open as he leans forward, placing a single chaste kiss onto your clit that makes you jump a bit. 

“Of course.” Your voice pitches up a bit.

“And I was thinking about how I’d probably come back here and we’d talk a little like we normally do, and then we’d probably have sex like we normally do.” He still doesn’t put his mouth on you, you just feel his breath against you, making your pussy ache and your clit throb. 

“So far so good.” Are you even speaking loud enough for him to hear you?

“But then I realized that we’re gonna be married soon, so I thought we should probably start acting like it.” He leans forward just enough for his nose to bump against your clit.

“Yeah?” Your hands tangle in his hair in an instant. 

“Yeah. You know, typical married people things, I ask you how your day was, you tell me it was fine, and then we have boring married people sex.” He tilts his head to the side a bit, just enough to relieve any of the pressure against your core as you try desperately to pull him into you. 

“What is boring married people sex?” You ask, strained and breathless. 

“You lay on your back and I do my thing until I finish inside you, because married people have kids, that’s what they do.” Finally, finally, his tongue drags along your seam before dipping into your weeping hole, your back arching as you groan. 

“Obviously.”

“You probably won't finish, I’m pretty sure that’s part of it.” He mumbles against you before pressing his tongue deeper into you. 

“Well that doesn’t seem fair.” Your eyes are squeezed shut as he works you open, slowly, your cunt leaking as he laps at whatever he can. 

“Marriage is all about compromise.” He pulls back, a little breathless himself now before wrapping his arms around your legs, nuzzling his face between your legs before wrapping his lips around your clit, leisurely sucking until you can’t hold back the obscene moan that forces its way out of you. 

“How is that a compromise?” You finally manage to grumble through your haze, the coil in your stomach tightens just as he comes up for air, resting his head on your thigh. 

“I don’t know, it just is- dank farrik- missed you- your taste.” His own voice is nearly as needy as your own as he leans back down into you, his tongue swirling around that little bundle of nerves until you feel like you're about to explode. 

“Being married… sounds awful.” Your chest heaves and your thighs tighten around his head as he sinks two fingers into you, briefly pulling back with a small gasp. 

“We’ll make it work.” He curls his fingers, chuckling when you tighten around him. 

“Maybe that’s the compromise.” You muse as he flattens his tongue against your clit.

“Making it- making it work?” You’re so fucking close, if you could just get him to stop talking and focus you’d be able to finish. 

“Yeah, maybe the compromise is making boring married sex work for both of us.” You stammer again, desperate for him to just send you over that edge. 

“I suppose we could try that.” He flicks his tongue against you one last time before withdrawing his fingers, you whimper the moment he does. “Are you going to come?” He knows exactly what he’s doing, and that you are. You nod with a breathy whine and he pulls back entirely, sitting up. 

“If you want me to marry you you better stop whatever it is you’re doing.” You spit the words out quickly, desperate to pull him back in. 

“If you want to come you better not make jokes like that.” He teases but you know he’s incapable of denying you anything. 

“Fine, fine, just- come here.” You hold your arms out towards him and he eagerly crawls back into them, slotting himself between your thighs as he spreads your legs wide to accommodate him. You arch your back and shift your hips to the best of your ability, trying to get some kind of relief against him but he pulls back just enough to prevent it.

“How was your day?” You can feel his grin as he leans down, kissing along your jaw slowly as you paw at his chest.

“It was great, wonderful.” You gasp out as you feel him drag the head of his cock through your folds, coating himself in the abundant wetness there. 

“Now ask me about my day.” He notches himself at your entrance, not pushing in just yet but enough to make you squirm in an attempt to take matters into your own hands unsuccessfully. 

“I’m gonna kill you.” Your voice is already ragged and strained at this point but when he still doesn’t move you sigh. “How was your day?” The moment you finish your sentence he pushes into you in one smooth motion, burying himself to the hilt with a groan from both of you. 

“It was fine.” He mumbles before almost immediately finding a rhythm, pumping himself inside you with deep deliberate thrusts. His forehead presses against yours as he lets out a breathy whine. 

This certainly doesn’t feel boring. 

He takes hold of your hips, raising them slightly so he can angle himself to slam against your g-spot, twisting your body until you let out a particularly strained moan and he knows he’s found it. Your brain is already mush just from the sheer speed at which he started fucking you, giving you no time to adjust, so all you manage to mumble is his name. 

“You- you want me to fill you up? He rasps out.

You nod for a moment until you remember the darkness that you’re both in and you manage to find your voice.

“Yes, please.” Your hand slips between your legs as you begin to rub slow circles into your clit but he takes your wrist and slowly pulls it away.

“I- I wanna see if- if you can come just like this.” He stammers out as he continues jackhammering into you, purposefully pushing himself into your g-spot as your walls flutter around him. 

“Din…” You whine but he just keeps at it. 

“I bet you can, I bet you’ll come when I do, when I fill you up, when I’m spilling out of you.” Your head is spinning from the repeated stimulation as he continues to focus on that sweet spot until you’re both falling apart. He’s exactly right. He comes first, snapping his hips forward until he’s nestled against your cervix. And when he’s done he slowly fucks his cum deeper into you, reveling in the lewd wet sounds and it only takes a moment more before you finish as well, gasping and strangling his cock as you clamp down on him. 

When your breathing settles he turns onto his side, holding you against his chest before mumbling a sleepy I love you, so much. The two of you have been laying in silence for quite some time when you finally speak up. 

“You know, married people sex is subjective.” 

“Hmm?” He hums softly.

“Any sex we have after we’re married is married people sex, because we’ll be married people.”

“Mhmm.” He sounds like he’s barely awake but you just keep going. 

“I don’t know why you assume it has to be boring.”

“Mmhm.” He continues to hum against your chest, a low rumble. 

“Do you spend all your time away from me coming up with over complicated ways to put a baby in me?” You finally blurt out with a laugh, rubbing his back as you do. 

“It worked, didn’t it?” He finally sits up a bit and speaks, his voice is heavy with exhaustion. 

“Maybe I spend all my time thinking about the same thing and you just make it really easy for me to get what I want.” You’re still laughing softly. 

“Does that mean you want to have more boring married people sex?” The fatigue in his voice dissolves quickly. 

“Only if you stop calling it that. We aren’t boring married people and we are never going to be. We’re just going to be married people.” 

“Mmm, I can make that work. Do you want to have more married people sex?” He starts to sit up on top of you again but you put a hand on his chest, pushing him so he’s laying down on his back. 

“Absolutely I do.” You straddle his hips before reaching out into the darkness to take his face in your hands. 

☆

Today is the only day you’ve woken up sad since Din proposed. 

Today you have to say goodbye to your favorite part of Naboo, the people. When you wake he’s already dressed, attaching the last of his armor before helping you up. 

“I thought you might want to leave early, so we can spend as much time in the city as possible.” His voice is still thick with sleep as you get to your feet. 

You tell Leo to bring you as many coin purses as he can before you leave and he returns with five rather hefty bags of credits that Din slips into his bag before you head out. You go through the usual process, bracelet and all the other hubbub before you begin your walk through the streets. 

There’s a dull ache in your chest as you look around at the people. Your people. 

The thought of never seeing them again, and never getting a chance to really help them. If you were queen you could do something about all of this, but you can’t stay long enough to do such a thing.

So you settle for this. 

You hand out credits to anyone who will take them, saving a bag for Vivian's family. You embrace anyone who will let you, and you hold the hands of everyone you give credits to. And once four bags are empty you go to Vivian’s store and you play with Theo, and even though she protests for the better part of an hour you give her the fifth coin purse. And when the sun starts setting you hug her. 

And you fight the urge to say goodbye because it doesn’t matter how much you trust her, no one can know that this is your last time visiting the city. 

When you leave the store it’s clear how upset you’re becoming about all of this so Din takes you to the markets just as the sunsets and you get to see the changeover. You can’t technically go to the Lunar Markets without your cloak, it wouldn’t be a good look for a princess to be wandering through such a taboo place, but you stand just outside the first street and you watch all the lights flicker on. 

Each string light going on at its one speed, dazzling flashes of light all dancing through the air until the entire street is illuminated.

It’s beautiful. 

Yet you don’t feel better. 

You just feel sad. Because you’ll never get to see it again. 

So you walk, quietly with Din, back towards the castle. 

“You’re upset.” His voice fills the silence almost immediately as you walk the empty street back. 

“A bit.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t do anything. I’m royalty, I should have helped these people when I had the chance to.” You sigh, resting your shoulder against his.

“You did the best you could.” It sure doesn’t feel like it. 

“And it still wasn’t enough.” 

“You did more for them than any other member of the royal family has done in decades.” You have to fight the urge to take his hand in yours after that. 

“You always know what to say.” 

“Aren’t you that bitch from before?” A voice breaks through the small moment of peace and you and Din both turn quickly to see a vaguely familiar face. “Didn’t realize that you were royalty, doesn’t seem like much of a guard for a princess, one guy.” He nods at Din who immediately steps in front of you, silent. 

You squint, trying to recall where you know him from when two other men step out from a nearby alley, flanking him. That’s when it clicks. 

You recognize his welding goggles. And his greasy black hair. 

He had accosted you many moons ago, in the market, Din had knocked him flat on his ass for it. Din takes a few steps in their direction, deliberate and deadly. It doesn’t matter how capable you know he is, you still don’t like the sight of him going up against a group of three. 

“Look man, this doesn’t have to be a problem, we’ll even pay you for just a couple minutes with her.” The one you recognize quips and you feel sick at the insinuation. 

“I’ve never been with a princess.” His friend on the left sneers and you instinctively take a step back. That’s all it takes to send Din over the edge though, you don’t even see the first hit, he moves so quickly. You just see the guy on the left hit the street, a gush of blood shooting out from his nose. 

The other two hop into action immediately after, both standing with their arms held up defensively but it does them no good. 

The one on the right is stupid enough to strike first, his fist hits beskar and he stumbles back with a yelp. Your eyes go wide when Din kicks his legs out from under him, he follows the first man as he hits the ground, his head knocking against the stones, in an instant he’s out cold. 

You gasp at the suddenness of it all. 

The one with the goggles loses all his bravado in an instant, he turns and you’re sure he’s about to run but he doesn’t get the chance, Dins hand wraps around his throat and he’s on the ground beside his friends, except he isn’t as lucky as his friends because the Mandalorian doesn’t relent. He boxes him in with his legs as he kneels, his fist slams against the other man's face repeatedly and your ears fill with a sickening crunching sound. 

In all honesty you aren’t worried about anyone but Din right now, it isn’t just the man's face that’s making the breaking sounds, it’s his fist as well. 

You rush over to them and put your hands on Din’s shoulders, he stops immediately before turning to look at you, his shoulders relax immediately and he reaches for you but he winces when he wraps his hand around your arm. 

“Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” He whispers softly and you nod.

“It’s okay, but we should go.” You rub his back a bit as he stands. 

“I just need a second.”

“Okay. You nod, watching as he leans down, whispering something in the barely conscious man's ear, you don’t catch a word of it but when he’s done he stands and you both begin walking back towards the castle. 

☆

“I’m okay, I promise.” He groans as you usher him into the cabin. You’ve been fussing over him the entire walk back. 

“Being married means not lying about this kind of thing.” You snap back at him as you open the door. 

“I’m not lying, trust me, I’ve had much worse.” You know it’s true but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to worry. 

You frown, having him sit at the kitchen table as you carefully pull his gloves off, both knuckles are jagged and bloody. 

“Kriff… do you have a first aid kit?” 

“I promise, sarad, it’s fine.” 

“Marriage means compromise.” You glare at him as he sighs and you cross your arms in front of your chest.

“Fine. In the fresher, there’s a loose board in the cupboard, pull it back and bring me the case that’s in there.” You cock an eyebrow at him before hurrying off to follow his instructions and sure enough you find it, a small metal case. You return to the main room, setting the box down on the table, watching as he fumbles with the lock. He flips the lid open before sliding the box over to you. Your jaw goes slack as you stare at several vials of bacta. 

“Why do you have so much of this stuff?” You cringe at the memory of having to apply the sour substance to your split lip.

“For emergencies, which by the way, this is not.” You grab one of the vials as he gestures at his hands, uncorking it and dipping your finger into the slimy liquid before taking his hand in yours, applying a thin layer to it, watching the blood slowly mix with the bacta in crimson swirls. 

“You’re hurt, this is an emergency.” He just sighs, letting you do your work, not even wincing one as you do so. When you’re done you recork the vial before putting it back in the case and returning it to its hiding place.  

“Thank you.” He whispers when you come back to him, kneeling in front of the chair and helping him out of his armor as he keeps his hands on the table. 

“What was that?” You grin up at him as he sighs again.

“Thank you.” He says a bit louder. 

“You’re welcome.” You take the last of his armor off before standing. “Now come on, let’s lay down.” You wrap an arm around his waist as you walk to the mattress, helping him down as you keep his hands away from the sheets before laying down beside him, resting your head on his chest. You lean over and flip the lamp off before settling in beside him. 

“Did you have a good day?” He whispers against you as you lay your head on his shoulder. 

“I had a sad day, but it was still good.” 

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” He mumbles in the darkness, his tone quickly turning to one of shame. .

“What? The fight? You were just doing what you always do, you were protecting me.” You let your fingertips roam across his chest in small circles in an attempt to soothe him. 

“I should’ve- I shouldn’t have snapped like that. You shouldn’t have seen me like that.” 

“Hey. I want to see you like that. I want to see all the parts of you, not just the pretty ones.” He doesn’t respond, and for a moment you have to wonder if you’ve upset him, but then you feel his chest rise and fall sharply a few times. Your hands fumble around until you find his face, the apples of his cheeks are a bit damp as you run your thumbs across them. 

You aren’t really sure what to say. So you just go with what you know will make him understand just how okay everything is right now. It hasn’t been an easy week so far for either of you. 

“I love you.” You whisper before leaning down to kiss him, your mouth thankfully finding his. “And I can’t wait to marry you.” You lay back down and feel his arms tighten around you, after a few minutes his breathing steadies out and you know he’s okay. 

“I love you too.” Is the last thing you hear before you both fall asleep. 

☆

One last dinner with Kodo and then you never have to see him again.

That’s what you keep reminding Din as he tries to convince you it isn’t necessary, to which you remind him exactly what happened last time you didn’t attend dinner. Not that you aren’t just as worried as he is, of course you are, you’re just internalizing it better. Most people probably spend the day before their wedding stressing, it’s only natural.

So that’s exactly what you do today.

You stress.

You pace, and you stress until the sun is setting and Din is trying to persuade you one last time into not going which you ignore before the two of you walk the familiar trail to dinner. 

You never know what to expect when you walk into the dining hall, but today you couldn’t be more pleased to find Kodo positively swamped. With his fathers condition worsening a fair amount of his royal duties now fall under his son's jurisdiction. He doesn’t look at you or Din when you arrive and you’re thrilled when you see they didn’t set the table for dinner. The entire room is silent save for Kodo scribbling something on a piece of paper, when you go to sit he raises a hand and you stop dead in your tracks. 

“No need to sit, this will be quick.” He stands and you feel a sudden urge to stand behind Din, to put something between you and Kodo but you resist. “My fathers condition is worsening, that is the only news I have now I must be off.” He snaps and a servant helps him put on his coat as you watch in stunned silence, he shoots you one last glance before walking out the door. “That will be all.” And just like that he’s gone. When the door shuts behind him you can’t help but burst into a fit of laughter purely spurred on by your disbelief as Din walks you out of the room.

It was just that easy.

You’d spend hours stressing today and it was that kriffing easy. 

You’re grinning ear to ear when you turn to Din once you’re safe and out of the dining hall. 

“We never have to do that again.” Your voice and excited whisper. 

“Never.” He repeats, you can practically hear his own smile. 

“Can we go home now?”

“Home?” He looks behind him before wrapping an arm around your waist. 

“Sorry, the cabin.”

“I still haven’t fixed the bed frame you know.” He’s still walking you in that direction as he says it so you just laugh.

“That’s okay, I don’t mind.” 

“Then let’s go home.” 

And that’s exactly what you do. And when he opens the door to let you in you realize with a profound sadness that this is your last night in the cabin. A place that is the closest thing you have to a home here on Naboo, besides Din. But he’s a person, not a place. This is your home. His home. You can’t help but wonder if the sorrow is getting to him too, leaving is hard, no matter how much you hate certain aspects of this planet there will always be parts that you love.

But you don’t want to be sad the night before your wedding. 

So you do your best to clear your head.

“Aren’t we supposed to spend the night before our wedding apart?” You tease as you kick your shoes off, eager to just go to sleep, turns out spending all day being worried is exhausting. 

“Why would I want to do that?” He’s taking his own armor off, turning to glare at you. 

“I don’t know, tradition?” He helps you out of your dress and you quickly climb into bed.

“That’s not my tradition.” He lays beside you and you on the mattress, groaning as he kneels to crawl in beside you. 

“Lights off?” You whisper as your fingers trace the edge of his helmet. 

“On?” His voice is soft and hopeful and you smile before promptly closing your eyes, the action is swiftly followed by the sound of his airlock. He kisses each of your eyelids before your lips, pulling you into him completely. 

And he loves you like it’s the last time he ever will. 

He makes every time feel like the first time with how gentle he is with you, even when he’s being rough. There’s always the tiniest spark of tenderness to him. 

But tonight is different.

Tonight he loves you like he’s loved you his entire life. 

It isn’t another first time, this time feels like the thousandth, like he knows your own body better than you do. Like he still loves it even after all this time. His hands can’t hold enough of you, his mouth can’t savor enough of you, and his cock can’t fill enough of you. He chases more and more, wanting only to make you happy, to unravel you and wind you up just so he can do it all over again. 

However you want it. 

That’s what he says when you climb on top of him, sinking down on his length with a groan. So you do it exactly how you want it, which is every way. He takes whatever you give him and you give him whatever he wants. And when he gasps in your ear the single word, posed as a question, inside? You nod, pulling his face closer to kiss his cheek.

“You don’t have to ask, you can just do it.” You murmur, and he does. 

A part of you knows just how reckless that is but it matters less now that you’re leaving. Any children who would be born from this union no longer have to live in fear of your current technical husband, because they won’t be anywhere near him by the time they’re born. 

So you let yourself stop being afraid of that possibility. 

And you let Din love you.

☆

Today’s the day. 

Your day. 

It feels perfect already, the sun shines in through the small windows, you’re still tangled in each other when your eyes flutter open. Based on the way his breathing sounds you know his helmet is still off so you shut your eyes, letting your head rest on his chest as you relax against him for a few more minutes. 

It’s going to be a hard habit to break after today. 

Not looking. 

Shit. 

By the end of today you’ll have seen him. You’re meeting him at the chapel before the sunsets, and you’ll be off planet before morning. And in between that you’ll look. You’ll know every part of him. 

You feel him stir, his breathing picking up just a little as he lets his hand wander up and down your spine. 

“Good morning, sarad.” He murmurs, leaning down to kiss the top of your head. 

“Morning.” You kiss his collar bone, squeezing whatever parts of him you can get your hands on. “What time do we have to start getting ready?”

“Lysa will help you get ready and Elaine and I will set up the church. We have to explain our circumstances to the pastor.” 

“Like tell him that your bride is married?” You groan, just wanting to stay in bed with him.

“Like tell him I’m marrying some random servant girl, but more importantly tell him no one will see your face during the ceremony because of the creed.”

“Is that a real thing?” You sit up a bit, remembering to keep your eyes shut just in time.

“Not at all, but he doesn’t know that.”   

You pull each other close, your movements synced as you do. 

“Are you ready?” His tone is light but you know that if you said no right now he wouldn’t be bothered, he’d wait. It’s a good thing you’re more than ready. 

“I have been for quite some time.” 

The two of you stay like that for quite some time, for as long as you can actually, until Elaine is banging on the cabin door. When that happens you both sit up quickly, Din helps you dress and in just a few moments you’re both ready. 

The next time you see him will be at your wedding. 

You both stand by the door, unopened, when he takes your hand. 

“I love you.” He brings your hand to his chest as he says it.

“Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum.” You do your best with the pronunciation, trying to mirror how he says it. 

“I will know you forever.” He whispers out and you tilt your head to the side. “That’s what that means. It’s our version of I love you, but it means I will know you forever.” 

You squeeze his hand on last time before dropping it and lifting his helmet just enough to kiss him once. 

“I will. I have big plans to know you forever.” You smile at him one last time before opening the door, Elaine and Lysa waiting outside. 

☆

After Lysa walked you back to the castle things were a bit of a whirlwind. 

It was a long arduous process, she insisted on making you perfect one last time. Her sentiment made your heart clench so you allowed her this, considering it a parting gift, one last day staring into the vanity. 

She spends the day getting you ready in every way possible and you spend the day missing Din. 

Until she gets to your hair and you finally speak up.

“Can we leave it down?” You clear your throat and turn to her as she nods. 

“Of course.” 

Despite how much time Lysa has spent dolling you up you’re happy to look in the mirror and see you. Clear as day. Not some unrecognizable woman being dressed to the sake of her husband, you just look like you. 

When the sun is finally beginning to set outside your window she helps you into your dress.

Elaine really outdid herself. 

It’s simpler than some of your other gowns but it’s exactly what you wanted. The dress isn’t wearing you, you’re wearing the dress. You’re standing in the full length mirror when Lysa produces your veil, helping you clip it into your hair so your face will be completely concealed. 

“It’s time to go.” She whispers as she adjusts your dress once, smiling gently at you.

“Could I have a minute alone?” You whisper back before she nods and rushes out, shutting the door silently behind her. 

You lift the veil and look around the dimly lit room for what will be the last time. Your hand subconsciously wanders up your necklace, you twist the ring hanging there between your fingers as you open the closet door, flipping on the lamp to stare at the bed you’ve made. 

You sort of wish you could bring it with you. Your little blanket bed. But you know better than that. As much as you’re going to miss it, after today you’ll have a real bed. A shared bed, with your riduur. 

So you say a silent goodbye to this bed. Your first shared bed. And you leave to find Lysa. 

☆

You know the plan by heart. 

Lysa will walk you in. It’ll be a quick ceremony and then you will get your things from the cabin and leave. 

Simple.

Easy. 

The church is nestled in the woods, only a few servants ever attend but it’s a quaint little place, covered in vines as you stand outside the large wooden entryway. This is it. You will walk out of this church married to a man you actually love. Just as the sun hits the horizon you know that’s your cue to enter. You take Lysa’s arm, holding her close as she pushes the door open. You’re holding your breath as you look around the church, waiting to lay your eyes on him.

Empty. 

You tense up, your grip on Lysa tightens immediately as you both step inside. 

Completely barren. Not even a pastor. 

“They must be running a little bit late.” You can tell by the tone of her voice that she is just as uneasy as you are right now.

Din wouldn’t be late. 

Not to this. 

“Let’s wait a few minutes, they’ll be here soon.” She insists before walking you into the church, you both sit in one of the pews. 

You wait.

And you hold her hand and you wait.

You wait until the sun is completely set and you’re both bathed in darkness before you can’t take it anymore and you stand abruptly, pulling the veil from your hair and handing it to her. 

“Go back inside, hide this, I’ll take care of this.” You walk with her back to the entryway with small frantic steps. 

“Ma’am, are you sure-”   

“I’ll find them.” You give her a reassuring smile, one that brings you no comfort before watching her rush back in the direction of the castle. The moment you know she’s far enough away to not hear it you finally let out the sob that’s been building in your throat. You don’t have time to break down right now though, you need to find Din. 

He didn’t abandon you.

Your mind wants to go there, a part of you whispers that he’s left you all over again but you know with absolute certainty that that isn’t possible. 

Something happened. 

So you search. 

Your heart threatens to burst from your chest as you begin your hunt. 

You go to the cabin only to find it just as you left it this morning. You wade through the waters, silently letting your eyes scour the darkness before you run through the gardens. Yet you come up empty once again. Not so much as a trace of either one of them. 

So you go to the only other place you can think to look. 

The place you had told yourself just a few hours ago that you’d never go back to, and you return to the castle. It’s desolate when you search the halls. Not so much as a guard in the dark stone corridors. It makes your stomach twist in knots. The rooms are empty, and the lights are off. 

What the hell happened?

Your lungs burn from the constant running but you can’t stop now, you won’t stop until you find him, and if you search every corner of the castle and he isn’t there then you’ll start searching the rest of the planet.

Whatever it takes. 

It probably won’t come to that though, you quickly realize when you finally find a room with the door cracked and the lights on. Any sense of relief it brings you is gone in an instant though as you realize what room it is. 

The dining hall. 

Your feet carry you towards it before your brain can comprehend what’s happening and you slowly push the doors open, stepping inside. You have felt a range of temperatures since your arrival on Naboo but right now all you feel is a blistering cold that smothers your flesh and bones. 

The table is set, and as is the case on all nights where you’re expected at dinner, Kodo sits in his usual place. 

Except this isn’t a night where you’re expected.

And he isn’t the only one sat at the table. 

Elaine sits on one side of him, looking like she’s about to be sick, Leo on the opposite side, downright refusing to look at you. You feel like you’re going to pass out the moment you see them and you can’t help but note the fact that Kodo’s guards aren’t here. 

“Don’t you look lovely.” The nasally bellow of his voice fills the entire hall as you take a step forward. It takes all of your focus to keep yourself from trembling as you stare at him.

“Did I forget we were supposed to have dinner?” You keep your voice surprisingly steady considering the circumstances. 

“You didn’t get my invitation?” His voice drips with malice as the doors behind you promptly shut, his tone is enough of an indicator that there was no invitation. 

This isn’t some coincidence, you didn’t just happen to stumble upon Elaine and Leo dining with your husband, no. 

It’s an ambush. 

“I must have missed it.” You murmur. 

“Take a seat.” He says it like it’s an offer but you know better than to refuse, not now. You sit at your usual spot, every muscle in your body is tense as you look across the table at him. “Tonight was supposed to be a celebration.” His face contorts into a sneer as he stares right back at you. “But I’m afraid our night has been ruined by some rather upsetting news.” 

Maybe you should just run. 

His guards aren’t here, you could probably outrun Kodo, especially with how much adrenaline is coursing through your veins right now. 

Not without Din.

“Are you okay?” He doesn’t sound concerned, the question burns a hole into you, what could he possibly mean by that? 

“I’m fine.” You swallow the lump in your throat, turning to look at Leo, and then Elaine, Kodo following your eyeline the entire time. 

“Don’t worry, she can’t hurt you, not anymore.” 

“I’m sorry?” The more confused you get the more the feeling of suffocation in your chest grows.   

“Your servant, she can’t hurt you anymore, I was actually about to dismiss her right before you arrived.” Your brows furrow as you try desperately to make sense of any of this and he grins. Teeth fully on display as he smiles at you from across the table. “You don’t know?” 

“I’m sorry, my prince, but I’m not sure about anything that’s happening right now.” Might as well say it, maybe it’ll get you some answers. 

“No need to apologize, not after what you’ve been through.” 

You know better than to ask a follow up question to that. 

Something is terribly wrong and it would be best to learn as much as you can before giving away any of your own knowledge. 

“Leodall told us everything.” If it’s possible for Leo to somehow look at you less, he manages to do so when Kodo says that. “You don’t have to worry about any of it now, I’m going to take care of everything.” Nothing about the faux soothing tone he takes on relaxes you, you’re getting more and more upset with each passing second. 

“What did Leo tell you?” The bewilderment in your voice isn’t an act as you fight to keep your voice from cracking. 

“About the Mandalorian, dear wife.” 

It’s a good thing you weren’t holding a drink, if you did it would be on the floor. You don’t have anything to say, any words you might have to say die in your throat. 

“We retrieved him from his quarters and he confessed to everything.” Kodo’s eyes raise briefly as he gauges your reaction. 

Din confessed. 

“Everything?” When you find your voice that’s the only word you can manage to produce as your stomach churns at the thought. What did they do to him to make him admit what the two of you have done? 

“It’s better this way, there’s no need for a trial.” He takes a sip of whatever dark ale fills his glass. Maybe your last act of defiance should be to aim the vomit rising in your throat at him, or at the very least at Leo. “Thank the gods Leo found that book, who knows how long this would have continued if it weren’t for him.” 

The Smitten Paladin. 

You knew you were forgetting something. 

Maybe there isn’t enough time to run but you could definitely jump across the table and strangle Leo, it probably wouldn’t even be that difficult. 

Or maybe you should just beg. 

Kodo is a man of ego, if you appeal to him maybe he’ll spare Din. That’s unlikely though, the best you can hope for now is a swift death for both of you. Should you just beg for that instead? 

“I confessed as well, to all of it.” Elaine turns to stare at you, she looks pained and Kodo’s smile drops the moment she speaks up. 

“There’s no need for that.” He hisses, his chair squeaks as he stands but she isn’t deterred. 

“The Mandalorian and I both confessed to our crimes, I’m sorry.” Elaine is strong. The entire time you’ve known her that’s been the word you’d use to describe her, but right now she just looks small. 

“That’s enough.” His voice rings through the hall as he snarls at her. “You’ve done enough.” But she doesn’t stop, tears form in the corners of her eyes as she reaches a hand towards you. 

“Mando told them what he did.” Her words become more and more rushed as Kodo begins to walk towards where she’s seated. “We told them all of it, what he made you do, how I helped him keep you quiet, how he took advantage of you.” Her voice is strained and broken as the loud crack echoes throughout the room when Kodo’s hand comes in contact with her face.

“Not another word.” He growls, his eyes icy and cruel, his hand still raised in silent warning. 

How he took advantage of you. 

Oh Din. 

He didn’t. 

You just stare at her. The weight of the world is starting to crash down on you bit by bit as your heart begins to beat frantically. 

Kodo sighs loudly before returning to his seat, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“You’ve ruined the big reveal.” He mumbles before looking back up at you. “Might as well get to your present since she’s ruined the surprise.” 

This can’t get worse. 

That’s what you’ve been consistently repeating to yourself as this dinner has carried on yet somehow it does. 

Everything gets worse when Kodo calls out for his guards. 

Six battle droids enter from the door behind Kodo, but you barely have eyes for them, you don’t have the brain capacity to notice them because you only see him right now. 

Your Din. 

Din who would do anything for you. With his hands cuffed in front of him, his ankles attached with a short chain. Din who is pushed to his knees, a man who should never be in such a position before anyone who isn’t you. Din who only looks at you, even now. 

Din who made up a lie, to protect you one last time. 

Your Din.  

There isn’t a facade you can put on now, nothing can hide the anguish on your face as you stare at him, you aren’t exactly proud when it consumes you entirely. 

And you vomit. 

The tension in your chest finally bubbles over and you expel the contents of your stomach onto the table. Nobody moves, only you, hands gripping your chair as your chest heaves. You’re vaguely aware of Kodo standing beside you now, he’s speaking but you don’t hear a word, you only hear a ringing in your ears until you look at Din, who nods at you, just once, and everything comes back into focus. 

“He can’t hurt you.” Kodo’s voice is sickly sweet in your ear as he hands you a handkerchief from the table set up, giving you a moment to wipe your mouth as you fight back the urge to be sick all over again. “His restraints are state of the art, it doesn’t matter how much of a fight he puts up, he isn’t getting out of them.” 

Your brain is trying desperately to come up with some genius plan to get all of you out of this but you're coming up empty. 

There is nothing. 

“I’m thinking guillotine.” Kodo’s voice is a whisper now as he bends down to speak to you. 

“You do public executions on Naboo?” Your voice matches his in volume, but your eyes never leave Din, he’s struggling against them, but six battle droids? It wouldn’t matter if it was six Mandalorians. 

“I’m the king now, I can do whatever I want.” 

“Tonight was supposed to be a celebration.” 

Oh. 

“Defiling the queen is considered an act of treason in my eyes, so yes, it will be a public execution for these two.” He points at Din and then Elaine and at this point you have a headache as you try desperately to make the pieces of this demented puzzle fit together. You take a shuddering deep breath. 

Leo found the book.

He told Kodo.

Kodo had Din drawn and quartered. He would have been with Elaine, she was taken as well.

He told them he took advantage of you. 

That he defiled you. 

So you would be guiltless. 

And Elaine corroborated his story. 

Said she helped him. 

They had saved you.

And now they’re going to pay for it. 

“Why don’t we see the traitor’s face, guard?” Kodo’s voice tears you from your mental gymnastics as he snaps, pointing at Din and you can’t help it as you shoot up to be standing. 

“No!” The word is punched out of your chest, all the air leaving your body with it. 

“No?” Din stops struggling as everyone turns to face you now, Kodo’s question rings throughout the room as you try to come up with something, anything, to stop this. 

“You wanted to surprise me? Then we should wait, we should save the reveal.” Your words are rushed, you will do anything to keep that helmet on his head right now. 

“The reveal?” Kodo hisses.

“No one’s ever seen his face, we shouldn’t waste this opportunity on some random dinner.” Is this even worth it? At this point you’re probably just getting yourself killed. 

Now no one speaks. You finally manage to tear your eyes from Din to turn and face Kodo. 

“We should save it.” You whisper, you don’t even care if this gets you killed, you just want to keep his helmet on his head until you can figure out how to keep his head on his shoulders. 

Kodo’s sneer turns into a smirk.

“What a good idea.” You let out the breath you’d been holding in. “Maybe you aren’t completely bland, wife.” He puts a hand on the small of your back and you manage to keep yourself from recoiling. “Well then, I think we’re done here.” He whistles, once, clear and sharp and a pair of guards take Elaine by the arms, dragging her away but not before you manage to shoot her one last look of gratitude for what she’s done for you.  

  You finally look back at Din. 

Thrashing against the hold that the droids have on him until they yank him up into a standing position. 

What you wouldn’t give to be able to say anything to him, even just a single word.

“You don’t have to worry about him anymore sweet wife, it’s over.”  Kodo’s words are hot and vile against your ear as he puts a hand on your shoulder, hovering over you as you watch Din being dragged out of the room. 

He puts up one hell of a fight, one final reminder of just how strong your Mandalorian is, it takes all six of Kodo’s droids to keep him down. 

You don’t like the sight of it. 

There’s something fundamentally wrong about Din being overpowered.

You manage to swallow down the sob that threatens to rip through you as you get one final look at him as the doors slam shut, you fight the urge to recoil when Kodo leans down to plant a kiss on the top of your head.

“Your little nightmare is over.” He mumbles, his voice filled with an underlying joy. 

It’s just started. 

i no longer have a tag list so follow @lincolndjarinnotifs for updates!!

#lincolndjarin #the mandalorian #best kept secret #bks #din djarin #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian x you #din dijarin x reader #din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #din djarin fanfiction #mandalorian smut #din djarin smut #pedro pascal

[hesbambi]

attention.

❝ beg for it. ❞

pairing; mark lee x (f) reader

genre/warnings; pure filthy smut, profanity, daddy mark,mark teasing you, you being desperate (the usual), finger sucking, thigh riding, making out, hints of sadism (?), dry humping, mark calling you good girl

summary; mark is not the saint everyone paints him out to be. you’re surprised at his reaction to your need of his affection. 

word count; 980

authors note; i know i said i wouldn’t be writing… i didn’t! this is something i’ve had for a while that just needed some freshening up! hope you all enjoy ;) if i have any misspellings it's bc im editing this at 3 am....

YOU LOVED ATTENTION.

it was a natural thing for you to yearn for. what you didn’t really expect was for you to beg for it. while meeting mark, you underestimated the power he has over you. unintentionally, his charm and charisma lured you in unexpectedly.

mark is sweet, kind, and well-rounded. never would you have assumed that “tease” would be a word to describe him.

you sat on his lap, arms around his neck and teasingly biting his lips. ceasing your makeout session at random times to tease him even further. your knees squeeze closer around his waist while his hand's sliver down from your hips to your thighs. he grunts every time you scoot closer to his crotch, his visible hard-on pressing against your clothed core.

breaking your lips apart from his, you rest your hands on his knees, leaning back to catch air while closing your eyes. slightly panting at the intensity of the contact of lips. mark opens his legs wider, hands back on your waist. squeezing your hips with the desperation to be in you, he sits back more comfortably while he rests back against the couch.

his hand slivers up to your throat, bringing you face to face with him. the last thing you hear is a gravelly “god fucking damn,” before your body buzzes again. mark brings your lips against him, smothering you in his taste. closing your eyes you feel nothing but a dopamine rush throughout your veins and your pussy pulsing to have mark on you. your body seems to be burning every second mark touches you. his hand lays against the back of your neck, somehow pushing your lips even further into his. teeth clash into one another but neither of you pays no mind.

you don’t notice the whimpering noises in your throat– not so subtly made– or your core trying to push against mark’s jean-clad cock. you do though– notice mark's tilting smirk that edges you on further to let him roll his tongue into you. a guttural groan breaks the thin air. “fuck baby,” mark breaks away after noticing the way your hips try to push against his cock even more, almost like you were instinctively searching for him.

“more mark p-please more,” you exclaim while gripping his static hands on your hips. you needed him, and badly, desperately, like your brain or body is unable to function without his dick in you. heat rising from your tummy while waiting for mark to take you to his room.

“beg for it.”

startled at the way he sounded, demanding and absorbed in his own arousal. he doesn’t wait for your response, only moving you onto one of his thighs.

“know how much you like attention baby, better give me a good show.”

you say nothing other than whimper at his command, too desperate to at least feel something, even if it were his thigh. your underwear is nothing but a shield against his rough jeans. huffing at the difficulty to get off– even if you were still being stimulated– it wasn't enough. you needed mark. “please please mark,” you beg, hand scratching against his abs while the other tries to touch his hand.

“you better get off my thigh or you’re not getting anything at all,” mark swats your hands away and settles his hands on your hips once again. tears form from the frustration. mark knew, no matter what you tried to do, you can’t get off without him. he says nothing after, only leaning back and observing you in amusement and need. wetness seeps through your panties and onto his thigh, making the air thicker between you two as you both glance and acknowledge your wetness.

mark was on edge. he loved seeing you this way– desperate, trying to get off with no avail. he was edging himself along with you, palming his achy and leaking cock. groaning, he couldn’t wrap his head at how beautiful you looked. tears dampening your eyelashes, cheeks heated up and legs tense from the frustration.

he says nothing as he tenses up his thigh, enjoying the way you throw your head back in relief he's giving you something. you rock your pussy against him faster, almost bouncing on him, gripping his shoulders as mark traces your lips. spending a few seconds circling, entering his pointer and middle finger into your mouth to make you gag.

becoming breathless from not only the intrusion but the euphoria you feel head to toe. fastening your actions, bubbling in the excitement that you finally get to come. at least, that's what you think until you hear mark utter, “don’t come yet.”

you’d be embarrassed to see yourself in your haze of arousal, begging more than you would ever admit. sucking on mark’s fingers like it was the actual object you longed for, letting him gag you with his fingers and spanking you heavy-handedly.

“say thank you,” mark states, gripping your chin to bring your face closer to his. his fingers still in your mouth, you moan at the heat rampaging throughout your body, tingling all the right nerves for release. impatiently, he lets go of your chin and slaps your behind again, urging you to say the words. you don’t waste any more time, knowing his command is all you need to let go.

“thank you, daddy, th-”

“good girl. let go for me baby,” mark utters breathily, teeth clenching while watching you shake on his lap. moans spilling out, increasing in pitch as you cum. laying flat against his chest, catching your breath, and wiping away the tears from your eyes. mark kisses you on your forehead, resting against you.

“did so well baby, feelin’ okay?” he asks. nodding your head, you slither your hand against his bulge. mark groans out in surprise, giving you a questioning look.

“thought i’m supposed to give you a show, daddy?”

#nct mark #mark lee #nct mark lee #nct #nct dream #nct 127 #nct smut #nct dream smut #mark lee smut #nct mark smut #nct drabbles #mark lee x reader #lol hope you enjoyed #sigh #i felt like a middle aged woman writing her spicy books #anywayyysss enjoyyy #wormythoughtswithh

[filtharchives]

omg my first fanfic since middle school but rambling with @sugar-omi sm inspired me to try again

i’m literally gonna throw up !!!!!! also this is my first time writing smut so it's bad sorry if it feels super rushed–it’s because it is! I wrote it before my next lecture 🙈

oh! and happy birthday cove! ♡

edit: took down the first time i posted this bc i rlly did not like it but ended up not editing

summary: cove x reader - cove doesn’t like losing but you drive a hard bargain

tags: NSFW, fem/afab reader, high libido!reader, sub cove, prolly ooc, use of aphrodisiacs, handcuffs, p in v, dick riding in cowgirl position, unprotected sex (reader is on the pill i swear but always wrap it up!) idk what else i’ve only ever posted on wattpad i never used tags like this lol

it had been a few months since you and cove moved into your new apartment together and needless to say, you had gained a lot of sexual experience since then.

though you weren’t at the point of fucking like animals, ever since the two of you first went “all the way”, it had opened a new door in your relationship, and without the fear of getting caught by your families, he’d become much more clingier and practically always had a hand somewhere on your body, which sometimes led to a little more than just heavy petting.

in an effort to be a little more adventurous, you had proposed a fun challenge to cove: you would both take an aphrodisiac chocolate you found at a local sex boutique, and whoever could go the longest without touching themselves or the other would win and, naturally, the winner gets to choose the loser’s punishment.

cove nearly burst into flames at the idea of taking a drug that would make him horny–it was embarrassing enough getting turned on naturally–but it also excited him and his competitive streak, so he agreed, which led you to now.

cove squirmed uncomfortably on one corner of the couch, trying to focus on the nature documentary on the tv while you leaned back against the other corner, watching him with a smug smirk on your lips. you may have felt a little guilty setting up your boyfriend like this–your high libido gave you the heavy advantage of being very horny throughout the day even when you couldn’t act on it, whereas your poor boyfriend had less moments of neediness and was therefore not used to feeling so desperate–but it was too fun watching him sit so uncomfortably, and you knew the pay off would be worth it.

“you having fun there, cove?” you ask teasingly, languidly running a hand through your hair. cove offers a small grumble while shifting his jeans to try and make his hard on more comfortable, before deciding that wasn’t enough and adds,

“n-no…” his response makes your smirk widen.

“you know, there’s no shame in surrender~”

cove pouts at you, torn between his determination to win, and his desire to finally be able to blow a load. his stubbornness is amusing, but you want to get to the good part, so you lean forward on the couch until you have to support yourself on your arms, ensuring cove has a good view of your chest from your low-cut shirt.

“if you give up now, i promise to be nice with your punishment,” you purr, slowly crawling closer to him. even without the drug, cove was obsessed with your chest, but the aphrodisiac running through him made his eyes zero in on it. he gulps loudly and you stop in front of him.

“y-you promise…?” he asks shakily, tearing his eyes away from the tantalizing sight to meet yours. you grin in victory, sitting on your knees and slipping off your top to push him over the edge.

“i promise~”

at your words, cove concedes and practically launches himself forward, his hands landing roughly on your hips and his mouth finds your lips before trailing kisses down your neck. before he can reach your tits, however, you gently push him back by his shoulders, getting wetter at the sight of his disappointed, puppy-like gaze.

“you lose,” you say with a mocking smile. “now you have to be punished.”

cove’s eyes are already watering by the time he’s handcuffed to the bed by cheap plastic from your old halloween costumes, laying naked and flat against the mattress helplessly as you stand in front of him, removing your shorts and underwear at a painfully slow pace. his dick is so hard it hurts, twitching uselessly against his stomach as his gaze never leaves your body.

“please…” he whimpers, his hips rolling once into nothing. “please touch me already…”

“you don’t get to make demands when you lost the game,” you taunt with a smile, but you crawl on top of him anyways, straddling his hips with your hot sex so close to his, he could feel it. he whines your name.

“you promised to be nice…” he says pitifully.

“i did, didn’t i?” you pretend to ponder before lowering your hips and grinding your wet cunt against the underside of his dick, drawing out a long, relieved moan from him. the thick vein on the underside feels so delicious against you, you let out a shaky sigh. your hands rest on the sides of his chest as you roll your hips against him, your forefingers rubbing his perky nipples making him pant.

“stop teasing,” cove begs. “more… i…”

“what? what do you want from me, cove?” you ask coyly, grinding particularly hard and biting back a soft moan as his tip catches your clit.

“i-i… please just- just fuck me already!” he cries.

“y’ lucky i already prepped,” you mutter, lifting yourself off him and reaching one hand down to line him up. cove nearly sobs in relief as you slowly lower yourself down on his length, both your hands on his chest again as you reach the hilt.

“f-fuck…” he gasps softly, feeling your warmth encase him entirely. he nearly sobs again when you lift up your hips until he’s almost entirely out, just for you to slam down on him again, marking the start of a brutal pace he was not prepared for at all.

“w-wait! you- that-” he starts, only to be cut off again and again by his own moans and disoriented thoughts, before he can finally string together a thought and a cry of your name. “too much!”

still, you don’t slow down, bouncing on his dick easily with the help of the springy mattress below you. your hands move to his legs as you lean back, giving cove a clear sight of where your bodies meet and how your combined arousal has left a milky ring on the base of his dick with a few stray drops sitting on his seafoam bush. he doesn’t even have the ability to thrust back up into you, letting you use him like a glorified dildo as tosses his head back on the pillow behind him, only to lean forward again to watch you. his moans match yours and the pace you’ve set, the sound of your ass slapping against his hips echoing in the bedroom and his eyes drifting all over your body, lingering on your face, tits, and cunt.

“o-oh, fuck…!” cove hisses loudly. “h-honey… please, let me touch you…!”

“n… nuh uh,” you grin down at him. “y-you lost, so… you gotta put up with this- oh, fuck-!” the coil in your belly is close to snapping, and you can tell from how he twitches inside you that cove is close as well. you pick up the pace, crying out when his tip hits your cervix. cove calls out your name like a mantra.

“i- ‘m gonna…” cove chokes out through his moans.

“do it,” you pant. “cum in- oh!” your cunt squeezes him in surprise as his wrists break free from the cheap plastic handcuffs and his hands tightly grasp your hips and he plants his feet on the bed to thrust up into you just as he wanted while you lose control.

“f-fuck!” you cry out as you do your best to support yourself on cove’s chest, eyes rolling back from his breakneck pace and his balls slapping your ass. it only takes a few seconds for you both to reach your climaxes and you loudly moan cove’s name as he shakily groans, his cum painting your insides white. you don’t even have a moment to collect yourself before cove rolls the two of you over, still sheathed inside you and not any less hard. he hovers over you with a wolfish grin, some of his sweat dripping onto you.

“your game and punishment weren’t fair, so it’s my turn to pay you back, okay?” he says darkly. “and i like doing it without the condom. we should do it more often.”

oh, you would definitely do this more often

this was not up to my standards but that's okay! warm up round 💪💪💪 we only get better from here baby let’s go

#currently cringing at myself #gngngn #olba #cove holden #cove holden x reader #cove x reader #i wrote this #smut #cove holden smut

[fleuntet]

A Mistake Made For You

Pairing: Miguel O’ Hara x GN!Reader

Summary: Miguel decides no more losses.

Warnings: none, really. just a bunch of angst <3

A/N: not proofread, sorry pookies. if you find any mistakes just ignore them. i’ll probably edit it later since i decided to quickly write this in the middle of the night bc i cannot get enough of angst w miguem

The wreckage was already coming. Screams were undeniable loud, crashes and clatter were crumbling down behind him. And just as fast as it started, “his” daughter was gone from his arms and now all that was left was nothing but thin air.

Looking down, he knew his mistake was coming following him. For what he thought was a chance to return back to his family, to somehow find peace in his life, he couldn’t have it. This was proof of if. The multiverse was more than capable of taking it all away.

Releasing heavy breaths, as he stayed in place, people rushed and pushed beside him. The only thing left he could think of now that his daughter was gone was you. Somewhere, around all of this chaos you had to be here.

And he had to find you.

Before he would lose you too.

Without a second thought, he rushed back to Queens, knowing shortcuts to get there quicker than he would have time.

He knew he shouldn’t be doing this for the main reason he did this, to find his daughter, to be with her, was just the reason that this world was falling apart. Saving the life of “his” daughter without a father has just about broken this world, leaving it on a thread with life.

So running to you to save you? It just seemed as crazy as the last. But he couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t. He wanted to find solace in something, anything. Even if that meant the world would tear itself apart.

Swinging and swinging, he finally reached within your apartment. Glitches were starting to become more frequent, more visible as the buildings were falling down onto cars. It was awful the noises that surrounded him. Haunting.

Making it to the window of you apartment, he knocked as hard as he could. Within seconds of no response, he broke the window, sending glass scattering all around.

Going through the curtain, he heard your voice, loud and clear. “Stay the hell away!”

He froze to the sight of you. A knife in your right hand, a firm grip of VHS tapes on your left. He knew exactly what those were — voice memos. The ones he would record late at night when he attempted to explain his situation, updates on his own imposter as your friend, as a father and a husband.

He rose his hands, not sure how it would help exactly but he knew you wound possibly feel more calm with him doing that. Miguel shook his head, his eyes desperate for a chance to speak but your eyes, full of tears showed how much you didn’t want to hear his words.

Letting out a small sob, you inhaled deeply before quietly asking, “Why?”

This broke Miguel’s heart.

Seeing his the man you thought you knew, you thought you loved give you no response, you jolted forward, the grip of the knife becoming tighter and more threatening as your knuckles turned white. “Tell me!” you screamed.

He didn’t even dare to look at you anymore. He was defeated. He lost. What the hell was he thinking? Thinking that a damn wrist watch was going to help him get back to the life he wanted? He wanted it all, and knowing the consequences he still went through with it.

He just wanted to have it that badly. He ached for it. The feeling of being alone was not one he wanted. He wanted to feel happy, he wanted to feel free, he wanted-

Miguel’s train of thought was lost with a sudden earthquake occurring below him. Glitches reached your living room, vases and picture frames becoming more colorful than normal.

The two of yours attention on each other was lost for a brief moment. Your face mortified. Fuck.

“Miguel,” you whispered, your eyes back to him, full of hatred now. “What did you do?” He frowned.

“Miguel, mírame y dime que hiciste?!” Your voice cracking, your eyes hurt, you have never felt such anger like this.

He knew what he had to do. He didn’t like the idea of making the same mistake he was doing right now sign you but he knew he had no choice. He already lost too much. He couldn’t bear anymore lost. One more and for sure he would never be the same again.

So he grabbed your wrist, tearing off the gizmo from his wrist and binding it over yours. You tried to break away from his grasp, kicking and screaming, hitting him in the shoulder but he wouldn’t budge.

And before knew it, you were staring at the picture frame hanged on your kitchen wall of you and Miguel, happy faces you two will no longer have. That was the last thing you would look at before you found yourself blacking out.

#miguel o'hara #miguel o’ hara x reader #spiderman 2099 #spider-man 2099x reader #miguel o’ hara angst #across the spiderverse #spider man across the spider verse

[to-be-a-rose]

If anyone wanted a real writing update (I haven't in a while)

So last update I had given my manuscript to my sister, and while I was waiting for updates I was getting the rest of my query package ready. This was march 2023. I was thinking she would take a couple months to read it, she would give me feedback and critique and I would make edits, then start submitting it to agents.

Long story short, it didn't go like that at all. Last I spoke with her she was about a quarter of the way through it, and were coming up on almost a year. I won't lie and say I'm not sad about it, but I can't really be mad because during this time she: finished her masters degree, worked part time, did an internship AND planned her wedding (it's in april) not to mention some other serious life stuff I won't mention here. Basically I was the asshole for giving her this book rn lol.

Ultimately though, I am glad I gave it to her even though she hasn't finished it, because it forced me to put the manuscript down and let it breathe. I stopped working on it for a month or so and when I came back to it I had a refreshed perspective. I was so close to it I had nooo fucking idea what it was or how to improve it, but when I came back I did.

After this I gave the first five chapters to my boyfriend, he read it and gave me feedback right away, and that set me off on a whole new tangent of editing. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get more eyes on your work. He pointed out so many simple things to increase clarity, things I was blind to bc I understand what is going on.

I also read some craft books, read for fun, and made sure to take plenty of time off and not rush myself. I took a full month break during the Christmas season and into January a bit, and I just got back to it and read the whole thing through. And you know where I'm at now??

It's the best any of my writing has ever been. I've never read it through without this overwhelming feeling of cringe, despair, frustration etc, but I didn't have any of that at all. I actually felt like it was good, and funny and weird and fun to read and I felt proud of myself. I am holding on to this feeling by a thread bc I am really scared for the next steps. I am scared that I have deluded myself into thinking this is anything anyone would want to read, and that its going to read so amateur that ppl will laugh at it. I have worked on this so hard for so long. I could go on about all the things I'm afraid of but none of it matters because I am doing it anyway. Next I'm going to give the entire draft to my boyfriend (and I'm more scared for him to read it than I am for everyone else) and I will take his feedback and make any necessary changes, and then I will start querying for real and then I will probably turn inside out via the sheer power of my anxiety. If you pray, pray for me or if not please beam loving/lucky energy into the computer screen for me. Thx

#personal #writing #writeblr #writing update #writing progress

[1kook]

hii yamii a question from the audience: obvs no pressure just bc im curious rn after the nc finale wht is like number one priority/want for u to write? just cause i remembered that u said a little while ago u were working on born sinner again ! also ok if u dont have a plan just thought i'd askk :)

ur all good no worries— it is definitely born sinner !!! the other series I write are very lax/light on the plot, so there isn’t much hard thinking I have to do, so I’m sure I can manage those simultaneously. born sinner however IS HARD ON THE PLOT 😭 which is why I’ve been super unmotivated to continue it, but once nc is over I’m forcing myself to focus on that bc 1) I WANNA SEE IT THRU!! like I rlly like the story and I want to complete it and 2) it’s one tht a lot of ppl ask about!!! I feel like I’m holding him hostage 😭😭 so sorry yall 😭 but yes after n&c is wrapped up I plan to focus my attention on born sinner (and ofc other oneshots/series updates in between updates of those)

#hopefully. I wanna try to post like how I did in the beginning #which was every 3/4 weeks there would be an update #just bc it gives me enough time to write and edit it without feeling rushed #and in between those posts I would def try posting other one shots #rn I have a hobi one tht I’m actually really proud of u guys :~) but I’m waiting for after joon’s bday to post bc I also have a joon fic lol #asks

[tendouluvr]

aizawa calling you clingy - gn reader

- [attempt at] angst to fluff

- warnings: being called clingy, aizawa gets annoyed with reader and berates them, one use of the word ‘shit’

- wc: 1.9k

a/n: this wasnt......as sad as i wanted... i cant tell if im just not so good at writing angst or immune to it T_T

once again, not edited!

#! aizawa!!!! eee

#! hes a levelheaded man so arguments are rare

#! u both trust one another so theres no reason to have doubts in ur relationship

#! being his s/o, he tells u things thats not so easy to tell others over time, and you’re patient enough to let him take however much time he needs to let u in

#! however, years of keeping to himself most of the time doesnt just disappear even if you’re his s/o

#! so aizawa does have this tendency to close off and distance himself from u bc of his stress and insecurities

walking through the spacious halls of ua, you were headed towards your lovely boyfriend. aizawas been pretty busy lately with teaching his class, making sure no one is being left behind progress wise, doing his job as a pro-hero, and then spending his free time training with shinsou.

you knew showing up at school unexpectedly was something aizawa found irky, that’s why you made sure to tell him the night before that you would be coming during lunch time to bring him some yummy homemade food.

humming softly to yourself, you finally reached the door opening to class 1-A and walked in. the classroom was empty, but there at the front was no one other than mr. aizawa shouta. you quickly greeted him with a smile and he turned to look at you.

“what are you doing here?” he slowly asked with a look of confusion.

“i brought you some food! did you eat yet? i hope not, i made-,” you quickly stopped talking once you noticed the look he was giving you.

“why are you here? i already told you, you shouldnt be showing up without letting me know first. our relationship is quiet, if the students see they’ll get noisy and ask questions, i’ll get bombarded by my colleagues, and it’ll put you in danger if words get out. did anyone see you coming here? can you listen to me for once instead of continuing to always be near me? you’re so damn clingy and need to start thinking about the consequences your action will bring. i already ate, just go home before anything happens.”

your jaw dropped a little after hearing what he just said to you. did he not remember what you told him last night?

worst of all, you couldnt believe he just called you clingy. you just wanted to do something nice for him by making his favorite food hoping that it’ll relieve some of the stress thats been building up, but he just thought of you as clingy.

fine, if clingy is what you are then you’ll stop bothering him. you quickly whispered an apology, not sure if he could hear or not, and began making your way back home as fast as possible. the food you made for him was still tightly grasped in your hand.

due to the new dormitories, aizawa stays at ua majority of the time. he comes home to your shared apartment whenever he can to spend time with you. unfortunately, those time aren’t usually much because as soon as he’s free, he’s quick to do something else.

once you’ve made it home, you packed the food away and put it in the fridge. you felt your phone buzzing repeatedly, already guessing who it could possibly be, you took it out to see it was your boyfriend.

shou <3: im sorry

shou <3: honey, im so sorry. pls text me back when u can

shou <3: i know what i said hurted u, but i promise u i dont mean it. pls just call me or text me so we can talk about this

shou <3: i have to go back now. but i love u. so much.

staring at your screen, you contemplated texting him back.

letting out a sigh, you decided not to.

putting your phone to the side, you walked to the bedroom and changed out of your clothes into the comfy pjs you were wearing right before you left.

seeing that there was nothing for you to do other than wallow in your insecurities and let out a few tears, you got into bed and made yourself comfortable for an afternoon nap.

aizawa on the other hand was at school and distracted. his own words kept replaying over and over in his head and all he wants to do is smack himself a few times (after comforting u ofc).

his students could tell he was in a badder mood than usual so they collectively agreed to not worsen it (one particular student does not care. can u guess?). aizawa just wanted the day to pass so he can apologize to you directly and make it up with some cuddling.

despite being distracted with planning his apology and thinking about you, he was still teaching as he should and constantly telling his students to be quiet because he’s intimidating like that.

a few hours passed, the students are back in their dorms and some of the teachers are still in school finishing up some work. the hallways were empty and silent, and the weather outside was nice and calm - not too sunny with just the right amount of wind.

however, if you were to peek your head inside of class 1-A at the moment, the environment is an exact 180. aizawa is quickly trying to grade the remaining stack of papers he has on his desk so he can leave as soon as he can. there’s papers everywhere, he’s not so sure where the answer key went off to but to hell with the answer key. he just needs to go home.

his hair is messily tied up and his lips have probably been gnawed off by now. as soon as school ended, he got out his phone to see if you replied and sadly you didn’t. he doesn’t blame you though, considering all of the shit he said to you earlier. 

finally writing down the fat score in red pen onto the final paper, he gathers everything and put to the side of his desk and packed up his stuff. his stuff being his yellow sleeping bag and that’s it.

he went to his room first to clean himself up a bit, and then grabbed a taxi to go to your shared apartment. arriving at the front door, he takes out his copy of the key and entered.

first thing he noticed while entering and taking off his shoes was that the apartment was dark and quiet. he made his way to the kitchen first and turned on its lights to check the fridge. in the fridge laid the food you made for him earlier today. he took it out to start heating it up in the microwave then he walks away from the food and to your bedroom.

quietly opening the door, he poked his head in to see you laying on your side with your back facing the door. he assumed you were asleep and gently closed the door to not wake you up. he made his way over to the bed and sat on the edge of it. 

you, feeling the bed dip, slowly opened your eyes to be greeted with the sight of your boyfriend gingerly brushing his fingertips across your cheekbones. he notices that you’re awake and looks up to meet your eyes.

making eye contact with him, you quietly grunted and brought the blanket up to cover your face while turning your entire body to the other side to ignore him. aizawa sighed and brought his hand down to rest on your waist as he begins talking.

“yn... i know you’re.. mad at me for the things i said to you earlier, but i’m truly sorry. i know saying i didn’t mean it isn’t good enough for you to forgive me, but i want you to know i’m really really sorry. i’ve been so busy for the past few days, my head is all over the place, seeing you at school just got me overthinking and worried that i ended up saying things about you that’s not true at all. i love you so much, hun. you’re the best thing to happen to me. you don’t have to forgive me now, i understand if you want some space.”

it was silent for some time after he finished his apology. the echoing silence was slowly making aizawa worried that you’ll leave him, but he won’t tell you that. thinking that you wanted space, he lifted his shaky hand off of your waist and moved to get off of the bed when you suddenly grabbed onto his hand to keep him there.

“i...i told you the day before that i was going to be visiting you during lunch time. did you not remember? or even hear me tell you?”

aizawa situated himself back down onto the bed before replying. “if i’m being honest, i don’t really remember much of that day at all. my brain was occupied with work and rest, so i was practically drained by the end of the night. i’m sorry i took it out on you, it’s my fault for overworking when i know you’ve been trying to help.”

letting out a soft sigh, you turned your body back towards him. still holding onto his hand, you carefully slotted your fingers in between his and pulled him down to lay with you. he immediately found comfort in this and placed his head into your neck. you could feel his facial hair against your skin making you let out a quiet giggle.

“i love you. i know you have a habit to overwork since that’s all you did before we dated, but please shou, take care of yourself. im not talking physically, cuz you’re already so damn fine, but mentally. i hate seeing you bury yourself in work and training that it even makes me tired just watching you.”

he grumbled something against your neck - his usual reaction to you complimenting him - and held onto you tighter while putting light kisses on your collarbone.

“i know. i will. please bear with me, i know i’m a pain but i’ll always try to be my best for you. i’m never letting you go, love you too much for that.”

“hmm? who said i’m going? you’re stuck with me forever just so you know,” you laughed and patted his head before rising from the bed.

“i heard you heating up the food earlier. get up and come eat,” you tugged aizawa to get him off the bed.

he grumbled once again because he was being forced to leave the warm comfort of your shared bed, but followed you out anyway holding onto your hand.

“wait. you heard me entering? so you were pretending to sleep when i got here?! not funny, babe. not funny. -also don’t take sleep for granted. i did and look where that got me. stop laughing!”

bonus:

it was the next day and aizawa just finished passing out the grades he rushed grading yesterday. even though it was rushed, he was confident that there wasn’t any mistakes-

“aizawa sensei, you marked this question wrong when it’s right. this one too. and this other one on the last page. are you trying to fail me?!” denki dramatically wailed as he showed aizawa his papers.

guess he did make mistakes after all.

#written with love - ar #the one student was bkg <3 #all of my writing always turn out longer than intended u_u #might start adding wc #aizawa ily u can call me clingy i do not care #aizawa x reader #aizawa shouta x reader #aizawa headcanons #aizawa scenario #aizawa shouta headcanons #aizawa shouta x gn reader #aizawa x gn reader #aizawa angst #aizawa fluff #aizawa imagine #bnha x reader #bnha x gender neutral reader #bnha angst #bnha fluff #mha x reader #mha x gender neutral reader #mha angst #mha fluff

[skiller0dani]

Bad Girl| Ethan Nestor

MASTERLIST YouTube Masterlist

smut requested requests info

hey guys it's been a while! Got this amazing request recently and I had to write it asap. love you all xx

Ethan didn't have many rules for you, but the most important one by far was to not bother him while he's streaming.

With the two of you keeping your relationship a secret there's just too much that can go wrong. He's live so if you came into the room, people could hear, rumors could start. More than anything Ethan wants to protect you so you coming into his recording room while he's streaming is completely out of the question. Normally you respected this rule without question, it was his YouTube channel after all, so he got to call the shots. More than that however, Ethan called the shots in other aspects of your life.

When it came to the sex, he called the shots in that too. But you always did what he said, and frankly, you felt like being a bad girl.

All day you've needed him, from the very second you woke up and the gentle morning sex he'd provided wasn't nearly enough to satiate you. You still felt that uncomfortable throbbing from between your thighs, and it lingered for most of the day. Any attempt you made to get his cock resulted in a soft kiss on the head and a "sorry baby I'm too busy today."

You laid back on the couch, irked to all hell. How could Ethan not see that he was depriving you? You pushed the heel of your hands into your eyes and groaned, your pussy was damp and aching and there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it. Spencer sat happily at your feet chewing on a squeaky bone. At least one of you was happy.

You heard Ethan laugh from inside his recording room, he was currently streaming Among Us. You feel so frustrated you want to cry and when you glance at the clock you feel like crying all over again. It's only 1:30, and Ethan is only 20 minutes into his stream. Meaning at this rate Ethan won't be able to help you until later tonight. You whined to yourself, snaking your hand under the sleep shorts you were wearing. Your fingers found your clit and you began to rub small circles just like Ethan does. It does little to nothing to relieve the pounding in your core. Only Ethan can.

You stand from your spot on the couch to go grab a bottle of water, hoping that some cold water will help calm you down. You lean against the counter, sipping at the cold water when you remember the night before. Ethan had come home from filming with someone he doesn't know very well. The recording session was frustrating and he hadn't gotten any good footage, meaning the entire day was a giant waste of time. By the time Ethan had gotten back to the house he was beyond frustrated and the first thing he did was bend you over the kitchen counter and slam into you mercilessly. You feel a shudder run down your spine at the memory and you groan softly in annoyance. You're not going to survive the day like this.

You went upstairs and into your shared room with Ethan and sat on the edge of the bed, you're always such a good girl. You followed every rule and every command without too much complaint. And today Ethan told you to wait. His rule today was to be a good girl and wait for his cock until that night. But damnit you're so turned on right now you feel like you're going to combust into flames.

You don't want to be a good girl today. You feel like breaking the rules.

With a smirk you stand from the bed and creep down the hallway, nearing his recording room. Once you're stood outside the door you feel a rush of adrenaline rush through you, you've never broken this rule before. In all 12 months of your relationship with Ethan, you've never interrupted him while he's live streaming. You almost turn back but when you hear Ethan groan in annoyance it sends tingles down your spine and a fresh wave of arousal dampening your panties. Gritting your teeth you quietly open the door and watch as Ethan's surprised eyes flicker to you for a second.

You bite your lip and sink to the floor, luckily Ethan's desk doesn't have a back so you easily crawl underneath it.

Being careful not to bump the desk you slowly crawl in between Ethan's legs, and he instinctively spreads his legs wider for you. When he glances back down at you, you feel heat rush through your entire body at the angry look in his eyes. He raises a warning brow before turning back to the game and for a second you consider leaving, but the pulsing from between your legs stops you. You bite your lip and reach forward, carefully unbuttoning Ethan’s jeans and slowly pulling his zipper down. 

Ethan tenses, his heart hammering in his chest as he does his best to act natural. This isn’t a regular video, he can’t edit anything out. This is being broadcasted live to nearly a million people. When he feels your dainty hands reaching into his jeans he sucks in a breath through his teeth. 

“Ethan you okay?” Bob asks, unfortunately for Ethan they decided to play Among Us with proximity chat on. Ethan clears his throat, “yeah stubbed my toe.” He lies but he knows it doesn’t sound very convincing. 

You wrap your hand around his hardening cock and you nearly moan when you finally free it from his jeans. The sight of it makes you even more wet then you were before, it’s hard and precumming. It’s beautiful. You lean forward instantly and wrap your lips around the head, sucking softly. Ethan clenches his jaw as he focuses all of his attention on the game in front of him. He keeps his eyes firmly on the screen because he knows if he looks at you it’s game over. Ethan would end the stream and have you bent over this desk in less than 30 seconds if he saw the beautiful sight happening under the desk. 

You keep your lips wrapped around him as you suddenly take all of him in your mouth. Ethan gasps softly in surprise, and this is when he notices the comments on his stream. 

Ethan flashes a smile to the camera, doing his best to pretend he doesn’t notice that every single comment is about him and not about the game. Embarrassment floods through Ethan’s body as he keeps his eyes on his monitor. You continue to slide him down your throat, and Ethan’s eyes briefly flutter shut. When one comment pops up, Ethan panics. 

what’s wrong Ethan???  he looks like he’s in pain  someone should tell the other people on the stream bc ethan does not look okay right now ethan are you okay? 

Shit. Ethan continues to ignore the comments, when did his fan base become little detectives? You bob your head down the full length of his cock, taking him into your mouth fully. It’s becoming increasingly harder to keep the sounds quiet so that nobody notices. When you swallow around him Ethan groans softly, “fuck.” 

does eef have a girl over?? ;)  omg ethan’s totally getting sucked off rn ngl ethan looks super fucking hot 

“Ethan?” This time it’s Mark. You pull off Ethan and smirk as you pump his cock with your hand. The arousal is coating your thighs at this point and you nearly moan out loud just thinking about what Ethan is going to do to you after this. 

“Ethan I’m getting some pretty interesting comments on my stream about you,” Jack says with a teasing tone to his voice. Ethan remains quiet, he doesn’t trust himself to say anything casually. “Got some company Ethan?” Jack says causing a chorus of laughter to ensue afterwards while everyone waits for another round to start. “His silence is...suspicious.” Steven adds through the laughter. 

Unable to focus any longer, Ethan releases a breath he’d been holding as he finally glances down at you. The sight before him stops him cold, you’re sitting on your knees with his cock in your mouth. Your breasts are spilling from the tight tank top you’re wearing and he can see the damp spot forming on the crotch of your shorts. His pupils blow wide as he quickly ends the stream and turns off the camera. The second he’s sure everything is shut off he pushes back from the desk and yanks you to your feet. 

“You think that was funny?” Ethan growls when he sees the smirk on your face. In an instant Ethan has you pulled over his lap, “you think it was funny to suck my cock when I was live? I can’t cover any of that up baby.” Ethan says, his voice low as his hands find the waistband of your shorts. 

“I need you.” You whined as he yanked your shorts down. Ethan hummed in satisfaction once he sees your glistening pussy. “Yes I can see that.” He hums, spreading your lips apart so he can look at you better. 

“I just fucked you this morning baby girl, you couldn’t wait? I’m pretty sure I told you to wait until tonight.” He says, the dominance beginning to seep into his tone. You moaned in delight when you feel Ethan spank you hard. “I couldn’t wait Ethan, I needed you now.” You explain, with a pout on your face. 

“Now all my friends know what a dirty girl you are, and now so do all my fans as well. We aren’t going to be a secret anymore baby, you just outed us.” Ethan explains, his fingertips brushing through your folds. You whine desperately as you try to grind back into his hand, but he pulls away. “It was time baby, oh my god Ethan please just fuck me please.” You plead shamelessly. 

Ethan continues to rub the globes of your ass as you moan and wriggle in his lap, “hm I’m not sure you deserve it now baby. You didn’t listen to me, I’m not sure you deserve my cock anymore.” He says, a small smirk on his face when he sees the look of pure desperation cross onto your face. “No Ethan please, I’ll listen now. I-I will I promise baby!” Ethan taps on your hip, signaling you to stand. Once your stood in front of him you moan again, you’ve never seen him look sexier then he does right now. 

His hair is messy and his chest his heaving, but the best part is between his legs. His cock is hard and his legs are spread wide, and the heated look Ethan is giving you makes you want to melt into the floor. “Go wait for me in our room.” Is all Ethan says, and you immediately scramble out of the room and down to hall to yours and Ethan’s bedroom. You sit on the bed and anxiously wait for him, your entire body buzzing in anticipation. When 10 agonizing minutes pass Ethan finally opens the door, his jeans still opened. “I’ve thought of a fitting punishment for you Princess.” 

Ethan walks to his side of the bed before sitting down, pulling you to stand in front of him. “Since you don’t seem to like my rules, why don’t you be in charge then baby?” Your heart sinks, and you immediately shake your head. 

“But I love it when you’re in control, I love following your rules.” You argue but Ethan shakes his head with a teasing smile on his face. 

“I seem to have lost my authority, you don’t listen to me anymore baby. So you try being in charge, tell me what to do.” Ethan reaches forward and yanks you towards him. You fall against his chest, your lips a hairs length from him, “boss me around.” He whispers and you swallow a thick lump in your throat. You stand again, feeling anxious and unsure of what to do. Normally Ethan tells you what to do, but he just relinquished all control to you and you already hate it. 

Ethan watches with knowing eyes, he knows already that you have no idea what to do. “Well? What do you want me to do baby?” Ethan asks, watching the blush crawl up your neck and tint the edges of your ears. You tremble, “um...I-” you feel your throat close as tears well in your eyes. In a second Ethan is pulling you into his arms, smoothing your hair down and pressing kisses to your head. You melt into his embrace while he mumbles loving words into your hair. “I’m sorry baby I didn’t mean to upset you.” Ethan whispers, pressing soft kisses to your head. 

“Is that how you felt on the stream? Embarrassed?” You ask hesitantly and to your dismay, Ethan nods. 

“Kinda, but it’s okay baby.” You lean up to press a kiss to his lips. 

“I’ve learned my lesson, I promise. I know why you make those rules now.” You say softly and Ethan brushes hair out of your face with a small smile. “Can you be in charge again?” Instead of answering Ethan flashes you a smile before pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

“Lay down baby.” In an instant the heat floods through your body again as you scramble to lay down on the bed. Ethan stands and swiftly yanks his shirt over his head, and motions for you to do the same. Sitting up you quickly pull your shirt off, watching as Ethan kicks his jeans and boxers off as well. Ethan hovers over you, and you feel his cock nudging at your entrance and in an instant you spread your legs wider for him. Ethan slides just the head of his cock into you and he stills. You wriggle your hips, “Ethan please,” You beg in a gasp. 

Cupping your cheeks, Ethan turns your head to look him in the eyes. “No more bothering me while I’m live got it?” He says and you nod instantaneously. With one sharp thrust, Ethan slides the rest of the way in and both of you release a moan. Pressing his lips to yours he begins to thrust into you and you feel the heat building already. You wrap your legs around him, locking your ankles behind his back as he slowly picks up speed. Ethan pulls out, “bend over.” He gasps and you move to bend over the bed, already missing the stretch his cock provided. As soon as you’re bent over in front of him, Ethan grasps your hips and thrusts back into you. 

Your face is pressed into the bed as you cry out softly, Ethan slamming into you again and again. “Fucking took my dick in your mouth in front of the entire world, you’re lucky they only saw me. If anyone else saw how beautiful you look with a cock in your mouth I think I’d lose my mind.” Ethan growls and you can only moan in response as your fists twist the sheets in your hands. You feel the coil in your abdomen winding tighter and tighter and when Ethan reaches around your body to softly pinch your clit you’re crying out and convulsing around him, leading him to his orgasm as well. You collapse against the bed and Ethan rubs a hand up and down your back before gently pulling out with a wince. 

He helps you into bed and lays down next to you, pulling your bare body against his chest. “I’m sorry I embarrassed you.” You say softly, but Ethan merely presses a kiss to your lips. 

“Only a little, I couldn’t be bothered too much I mean you were sucking my dick. Doesn’t get better than that.” Ethan shrugs, causing you to blush. You sit up when Ethan stands from the bed, reaching around for his clothes. 

“Now if your unusually high sex drive has been fully satisfied, I have some explaining to do.” Ethan teases, causing you to giggle. With a kiss to your sweaty forehead Ethan is exiting the room, and you lay back against the bed with the widest smile stretched across your face. 

#ethan nestor #ethan nestor imagine #ethan nestor smut #crankgameplays imagine #crankgameplays #youtube #youtuber smut #under the desk

[problematicfavesareproblematic]

I Pity the Grave That Tries to Keep Me From You

Bull Randleman x Reader One-shot

Summary: it’s just fluffy angst about Bull coming back from Market Garden bc I’m a soft squishy sad little tall person who is dealing with some major feels

Warnings: shitty writing (mostly cuz I don’t feel like editing WHOOPSIE), angst, fluff, rushed ending, bleh, idk man it is what it is....

Ya’ll know I listened to Hozier’s Work Song for part of this, I didn’t even try to be subtle about it.

~

~

~

You don’t react when Hoobler tells you about Bull.  

Martin can’t look at you, but you hug him just the same.

I’m sorry he’d blurted after he returned your embrace, voice breaking painfully. I’m so fucking sorry.

But you’d just shook your head from side to side and given him the closest thing to a reassuring smile you could muster.

Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. I’m glad you’re here.

You weren’t sure how many times you’d said those three sentences since D-Day, but it was the only thing you could think of to say to your broken friends telling you through tearful apologies the names of the soldiers you all had loved and lost. As if it was their fault... as if they’d failed in keeping them safe for you.

Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. I’m glad you’re here.

Martin had let out one quiet sob against your neck before stepping back and turning and leaving. Everyone let him go. 

You understood- everyone grieved differently. Your grief had to wait a bit longer- you still had things to do.

No one made to stop you when you excused yourself, Webster having the presence of mind to give you a nod when you mumbled something about checking in with Nixon.

You and Bull had always known the risk of one or both of you dying- hell, you’d even discussed the likelihood of one of you dying in front of the other. You’d mentally prepared yourself as much as you could for that inevitability.

Missing, though? Missing wasn’t sitting well with you.

Becoming an intelligence officer hadn’t been a career path you’d stumbled across by mistake- you liked information, found comfort in details and strategy. 

You hated being blindsided, and since you’d been small you’d gone to great lengths to ensure you never entered a situation without being fully aware of any and all potential outcomes that could occur. 

Surprises aren’t always good, my darling. Remember that. 

Your mother’s words had echoed in your head the first time you’d met Bull, when he’d caught you off guard by introducing himself to you in the same manner he had introduced himself to all of the other men in Easy- with solid eye contact, a firm handshake, and a gentle drawl of “Randleman, nice to meet you.” 

The idea that you wouldn’t hear his voice again, in either friendly introduction or intimate devotion, made you feel achingly hollow.

“If you think something as silly as a grave can keep me from coming home to you, you got another thing coming, Little Lady”. 

“That sounds like you’re saying you’re going to haunt me, Den—”

“You should be so lucky….plus, I’d make it fun, so don’t even worry about it.”

You start to walk in earnest towards the officer’s area now, biting the insides of your cheeks in an effort not to cry. 

You had to keep going. 

You’d promised him you would, just as you’d made him promise in kind.

When you finally found Nixon, you instantly frowned at the bruise blossoming on his forehead.

“What happened to you?” you ask, ignoring the man’s glare and walking over to get a closer look. “Looks like you tangoed with Joe Toye’s brass knuckles and lost.”

“Got shot in the helmet.” Nix grumbles at the same time Richard perks up and squints at you while asking “Toye’s got brass knuckles?”.

You wince, both in response to Nix’s injury and your accidental snitching on Joe. “Whoops.”

Lewis’s eyes catch yours and his brow softens. 

You instantly know what he’s about to bring up, and shake your head preemptively.

“Lew,” you begin with a heavy sigh, only to be shushed like a child before he spoke over you.

“They don’t know anything for sure yet.” he insisted, and you knew that he knew you saw through his bullshit. 

He sometimes tried to be less pessimistic when he knew you were already way ahead of him in that department, but the two of you knew each other well enough by now for you to see it for what it was- him trying to make you feel better, coddling you to make you feel better.

Lying to make you feel better.

Information is truth, everything else is probably a lie.

Your mother was a bitter cynic, but you’d also never once known her to have her heart broken.

Maybe she’d been on to something.

“Yeah,” you’d offered, quickly brushing past him to look at the map on the table. “Maybe. Anyway, when exactly did Market Garden start going to shit? Do you think we were undermanned? Were our maps wrong? Did they have unexpected weaponry….?”

Distract the sad voice in your head offered as you threw yourself into work, using the churning pain in your belly to fuel your motivation to reclaim the town. 

No one gets to hurt you and get away with it. No one gets to take Bull from you and remain unpunished.

You decided then and there that you were going to make the SS bleed for what they’d done, and you knew that if Bull were there he’d tell you to rein it in.

Got murder in your eyes, darling. What’s got you so cross?

But Bull wasn’t here. And you? You had to get over it.

It’s what he would want.

~

~

You had barely slept that night, throwing yourself into rereading all of the intelligence reports until Dick finally ordered you out of the CP tent.

At first you’d fought him on it, still too afraid of being let alone with your own thoughts. But he’d been firm, literally snatching the paperwork from your trembling hands and hovering over you until you relented.

“I don’t want to see you until morning, is that understood?”

With more patience than you deserved he’d held your coat up and helped you slip into it, making a point to pull your knit hat down over your ears before turning you in the direction of where all the soldiers were sleeping.

Even though Bull had promised to be the one to haunt you, it was you who felt like the ghost.

But, like the obedient soldier you were, you walked to the spot where you and Bull had set up camp with Perconte and Luz. Neither man happened to be there at that moment, which was a small blessing because when you saw Bull’s unattended duffel bag in the same spot he’d left it that morning you’d been unable to stop the sob that slipped past your lips.

Like a child, you’d curled around his rucksack and held it close, your fingers tracing over the airborne patches that denoted it as his. 

Had it truly been this morning that you’d woken up in his embrace, groaning in sleepy protest when he refused to let you out of his arms?

“Jus’ a bit longer,” he’d mumbled, bringing a leg up and over your hip to pin you beside him. “Let the boys start fightin’ without us, we’ll catch up later…”

You wish that had been possible. You wished it could have been that simple.

 ~

~

Tears had leaked out of your eyes as you squeezed them shut and the next time you opened them it was morning. At some point in the night either George or Frank had tossed a wool blanket over you.

For a few glorious moments, you had thought Bull’s furnace-like chest had been what was keeping you warm. The blanket was a kindness, but an unintentionally cruel one.

After rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you’d gotten yourself ready and packed up to head out.

Bull’s duffle bag seemed to be filled with bricks as you hefted it over your shoulder with your own, and with each stride you took it only became heavier. You knew the protocol- take the deceased’s belongings to CP for redistribution and personal effects collection. 

It felt like defeat, as if you were giving up on him.

Defeat and reality were seeming to become one and the same, these days.

Your throat was so tight by the time you made it to CP you were barely able to explain what you were doing to Lewis, your arm trembling as you held out the pack to him.

The moment Nix had taken it from your hands, tears began to spill from your eyes and for once you did nothing to stop them.

Nixon had been about to say something to you when Perconte rushed in breathlessly with a call of your name, almost forgetting to salute Lewis when he saw him.

“Oh! Sir. Uh, Y/N- there’s, um,  something you should see—”

You glared at him, trying and failing to hide the fact that you’d been crying from your friend.

“I’m in the middle of something, Perco. Can it wait?”

In the distance you could hear the sound of truck engines, and a new anxiety began to blossom in your chest at the idea of leaving Bull behind.

“But, Y/N…” he protested, clearly tongue-tied and overexcited.

“Oh my God, what?!”

“It’s Bull!”

Your blood froze in your veins, sucking in a breath that felt too big for your body.

You could feel your heartbeat behind your eyes as your lungs screamed for more air, but your body was refusing to blink or breathe or move…..

“That’s….no. W-what’re you—?”

The sight of a truck driving toward a group of Easy and Dog soldiers came to a halt, and you swore you say a familiar glimmer of sandy curls standing at least a foot above the group.

 No. There’s no fucking way….

With wide eyes you turn back to Lewis, seeing an equally confused look on his face. 

You barely wait for his nod of dismissal before looking to Frank again.

“C’mon, I’ll—”

You don’t wait for him to finish, sprinting away from them with a single-minded focus on reaching the horribly familiar silhouette of the man you[d begun to mourn.

Bull Bull Bull BULL DENVER BULL!?!?

With no care for decorum or professionalism, you shove people aside and rush through the throng until you violently skid to a halt before Johnny and Hoob.

And Dever fucking Randleman.

A silent sob twists your face, vision doubling as more tears well in your eyes.

It was him. It was him.

When your eyes find his, you force yourself to take a breath.

He’s dirty and scraped and a little bloody but he’s alive and he’s here and—

You throw yourself at him, arms latching around his neck and legs locking around his hips as he catches you easily in his arms.

“Oh my God,” you whisper shakily, shaking like a leaf and clutching at him as if he were the last lifeboat in a storming sea. “Oh my GOD, Den—!”

Bull’s got one arm across your backside and the other is pressing your torso to his as if he means to fuse the two of you together, his heartbeat loud and strong and powerful against your chest as he twists his cold face into your neck and just breathes you in.

You know that Martin is trying to talk to you, that someone else is telling you to take it easy but you can barely hear them through the roaring sound of life returning to your body.

When he sighs your name you swear that you’ve never heard a sound so sweet.

As you turn your head to press a kiss to his temple, you open your eyes and blink your tears away.

Of course, once you clear your eyes, you see the mess of blood staining his shoulder.

“Jesus Christ!” you gasp, untangling yourself from him in an instant and trying to get out of his arms. “Why didn’t you tell me you were hurt, you idiot?!”

Bull allows you to unwrap your legs from his waist but refuses to let you go, the arm that had been under your bottom coming up to hold the back of your head lovingly.

A pained yet playful grin breaks across his lips as he eyes you. “Oh, am I?”

You smile stupidly, sniffling at his ridiculous attempt at nonchalance. 

Using his hold on the back of your neck he ducks down and presses a long, meaningful kiss to your lips. You sigh into it, and just as you cup his face in your hands someone clears their throat and you’re reminded that the two of you have an audience.

When you break apart he makes sure to wrap his good arm around your shoulders, and you wince when you catch the looks of surprise being sent your way by the replacements.

Whoops, that was certainly unprofessional….

Bill Guarnere barks a laugh as you shift uncomfortably, slinging his own bag back over his shoulder.

“Shit, if that’s the hello you give to someone who’s been MIA- I’m definitely getting lost more often!”

Martin rolls his eyes, and enough people laugh that some of the tension is broken. 

You turn back to Bull and try to get him to let him show you his shoulder. But Bull has never been an easy man to physically move, especially when moving is something he doesn’t want to do.

This time is no exception.

“Let me see it,” you huff, only to have him smirk and shake his head. “Denver, I could’ve made it worse, I need to make sure—”

“Nah,” he says with a shrug he immediately regrets doing. “How about you kiss it better after Roe gets a look at it, hmm?”

As you open your mouth to reply there is a cry from above that it’s time to get moving, the reminder that there are more pressing matters to attend to shaking you from your anxious worrying.

Because it’s Bull, he hollers for his men to get on the truck as if he had been with them the whole time. 

“I need to go get your stuff, our stuff from CP….”

Bull shakes his head before you’ve finished talking.

“Perco’s got it,” he says with a nod in the man’s direction. “Don’tcha buddy.”

Without waiting for a reply, Bull pulls you along with him towards the trucks, refusing to let you leave his side despite your insistence that Roe needed to take care of him.

Getting into the truck, you help unbutton his shirt so Doc can start cleaning the ragged wound on his shoulder.

Bull brings your knuckles to his lips as the truck begins to move, eyes never leaving your face as he answers Gene’s rapid-fire questions about what had happened in the time Bull had been separated from the group.

“...you lost some blood, how’d you manage not to pass out?”

With a wink in your direction Bull chuckles.

“Considered it, Doc. But then I remembered my missus here was waitn’ and thought better of it.”

You shake your head admonishingly at his explanation.

“You’re really something else, you know that Bull?”

In a move that surprised both you and the Doc, Bull used his grip on your hand to pull you so you were straddling his lap.

“Course I do, Little Lady. I’m yours.”

Well, goddamn.

“Damn right, now shut up and stop flirting.”

The smile he gave you only widened at the command.

“We’ll see, darlin’. We’ll see.”

~ ~ ~ (is it trash? Yes. But is it garbage? Also yes. Love you all and thanks for reading the feels)

taglist: @mrseasycompany​ @itswormtrain​ @mrsalwayswrite​ @happyveday​ @sunsetmando​

#band of brothers imagines #band of brothers x reader #bull randleman x reader #denver randleman x reader #bull randleman imagines

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Ok so I have a bit of a question. So a few days ago a writer came back from being ghost on her story and teased an update. Now mind you she said she was leaving for a week to just take a break and refresh herself. Totally understandable. However she ended up leaving the platform for like 4 months and during that time didn’t let anyone know if she was at least ok. I also get, she’s not obligated. Well after some time she came back on her page and started saying that she feels unappreciated and she is upset that her work isn’t being read and commented on like before and she feels like we gave up on her. She notices a drip in activity and feels like we moved on. She said what most writers like saying that whole “I don’t feel encouraged to write for y’all when y’all don’t interact on my stories” now idk you’re a writer so I’m asking to get a similar perspective. Am I wrong for thinking as readers we also aren’t obligated to hang around and wait exclusively for one story or one writer? I know me personally if a story hasn’t been updated in at least a month or so I move on to the next. My interest in it isn’t completely gone. I just found new stuff to keep me occupied. Also if the writer is known for being inconsistent in updating, at least without kindly letting the reader know they’ll be taking a break, I’m in no rush to start following their work cause I know at any given moment it can cease. I believe writers should take time to be in their own space. Separate themselves to regroup. We all need it. But just like they like consistency and interaction from us we want it from y’all too. The biggest difference in that being we’re more at your mercy than you, ours. What are your thoughts? I ask bc your one of the ones on here that not only put out great work but as far as I recollect you’re pretty consistent and if it will be a while you’ll communicate that to us.

Hey so I understand both sides. Writers get discouraged and let down when they don’t have the feedback that they desire. It used to be worse back with the fandom first started because writers were getting thousands of notes and there was this “click” of writers and the other writers who either just started or weren’t apart of the friendship felt left out because A. Readers gravitate to their content more because of popularity and B. You desire and envy their ‘success’ with stories. I say that to say I used to feel discouraged when I started.

That quickly changed because I told myself fuck that why the hell I gotta compare myself to somebody else’s work? Yeah, I write smut like other writers but why not just do my own shit and do it because I enjoy it not because I want hella Reblogs and comments and likes. So, that changed me. I no longer care about having hundreds of notes. Sure, I appreciate it all and yes I love comments the most, but I’m okay if I don’t get that. Not every story you make will be that persons cup of tea as well.

Now as far as the going MIA because you don’t get enough credit for your work it can be exhausting because you have to figure out how you want to write a story, then you gotta do research, then you gotta edit and put your tag list (which sucks sometimes because you can’t really copy and paste it) and then you have life outside of your hobby and that interferes as well. So it’s all consuming and when you put that story out that you worked your ass off for and it’s no love on it I can understand the feelings towards that. So, I get why the writer feels that way.

Now as far as the readers. I also understand how you feel. There is so much content out there. You get wrapped up in one story, it hasn’t been updated in ages, you find something else, and then you either A. Lose interest in the previous story or B. You don’t go back to the story as soon as you find something else. I feel like. That’s how it works, you move on or if you have a real love for a story you stick to it. I think in that case it helps to for writers to interact with their readers and always give thanks and love because they are sharing your work and supporting you. I love all of my readers!!! Y’all are amazing. And y’all aren’t obligated to read my shit but you do. That’s the thing, we have lives outside of this shit. Some may feel like it’s not for them anymore, others may love it forever.

I agree writers should always take a break to rest their minds. When you are a writer, that shit can take up your life! I’m not saying it in a bad way but honestly if you don’t take time to yourself a lot of things can happen:

Work isn’t as good—rushed, nothing like what you usually write, writers block.

No inspiration and it may feel like forever

Putting it off further and further because you’re frustrated that it’s not turning out how you want.

It’s always good to let your readers know what’s going on. Make posts updating them on the progress of a story or what stories you plan to update next or ask their opinion on what they would love to read next. This is important because that will let you know what stories you’ve written are a favorite.

Basically, I get both sides of it.

[firewoodfigs]

some ~ highlights ~ for the past week:

- the start of the week was a pretty purgatorial experience, because i was rushing to clear all my work before i went on break 😫 i don’t think i got much sleep then lol i was literally just living off adrenaline and caffeine and stress — all of which combined did make me 52 times more efficient than i normally am LOL. i managed to clear everything in the end, so yay!!!

- also managed to make up for the sleep deprivation, which was very much needed :)) as tswift once said “sleep in half the day // just for old time’s sake” <3 i’ve been sleeping most of the pasts few days away and going on a bit of a social media detox because my eyes are really feeling the strain from work so 🥺 thankful for a brEAK!!!

- my bf and i drove over to a friend’s to drop off some snacks last Sunday night, and she gave me a bottle of kombucha that she made herself (along with an assortment of snacks to tide us through the late nights) 🥺 i’m not usually a fan of kombucha because the ones i’d had tastes like yakult gone bad, but this one was really good!!!! hats off to my friend for being a pro in the kitchen 🤩

- after months of scrimping and saving, I also finally got the guitar of my dreams 🥺🥺🥺 my fingers are all calluses now but it was well worth it. I learnt all too well, treacherous and crazier this week, and I’m so excited to learn more of tswift’s songs and put my guitar (a Taylor!!!) to good use!!! My bf is probably sick of listening to tswift’s Red album on loop by now (but also he’s secretly the biggest closet fan ever LMAO)

- I’ve also been writing a lot more songs recently, but I’ve been having trouble nailing down the bridges (which are always the trickiest part for me). That being said, I’m otw to my first vocal lesson now, and the coach I was talking to was nice enough to offer to help me out with songwriting too, so :’) fingers crossed it all goes well!! I’m still a nervous wreck when it comes to singing in front of people so it will probably take me at least fifteen minutes to regulate my breathing LMAO 🤠

- another Best BuyTM of 2021 is this hand soap that’s been all over tiktok LOL. I found the cheaper version of it and my bf and I have been washing our hands like excited children discovering bubbles for the first time ever since we got it. Fun times!!!

- I’ve been reading Tove Ditlevsen’s The Copenhagen Trilogy, and it is quickly becoming one of my favourite reads of 2021. Everything about it is stunning and I absolutely adore her prose!!! I strongly recommend this to everyone — I’m only halfway through but her exploration of girlhood and adolescence is so compelling yet relatable :’) This is an excerpt from part i, Childhood:

- friday was girls’ night out (or in, since we went to a friend’s place) and i was so happy to see my friends again 🥺 i’m always so thankful for friendships that have withstood time and change and it was just nice to hear about all that’s going on in everyone’s lives (in person). i also got to meet my friend’s dog again and am thoroughly convinced that she is an angel in disguise. like,

literally HAVE ALL MY UWUS!!! my friends have taken to calling me the weakest link bcs i simply cannot resist her puppy eyes and have to give her a treat every time. they’re not wrong 🤠

- i am really grateful that i got to spend time this weekend with the loml without any interruptions from work bcs we’re both on break now!! this is the first time in a long while since we’ve had a weekend to ourselves. we didn’t do much apart from eating and sleeping and watching black widow, but it was nice all the same! i just enjoy spending time with him haha and seeing him stress-free and well-rested fills me with inexplicable joy :’) we’re going to try our hand at painting today and manifest our non-existent artistic sides, which will be a fun time 😆

- SPEAKING OF ART, @nightofnyx8 made an incredible cover of ��old time lovers” and everyone should go listen to it now because her voice is absolutely STUNNING!!! did i tear up at a bus stop while listening to it? absolutely not. did i spend the weekend screaming and yeeting into my pillow??? ofc not!!! (spoiler: im a terrible liar) ANYWAY PLS LISTEN TO IT I PROMISE U WILL NOT REGRET IT!!!! I AM MOT OVER IT STILL AND WILL NEVER BE AND ILYSM RACHEL U TALENTED UNICORN <3 (I’ll link it in a separate post so u can reblog this work of art🥰)

- i’m editing ch 2 of the college au now too so!!Looking forward to posting it tomorrow night :)

#have a good week everyone!!! 🥰🥰🥰 #not fma #personal

[i-write-sometimes-blog]

Missed you (Rey x Reader)

Summary: Rey is back from a mission and after a very long time without you she is in need of your touch.

Warnings: SMUT. It's a little more detailed than my usual works so please +18, fingering, oral (female receiving). Slight thigh riding. Touch starved.

Words: 1,853

A/N: I literally wrote this bc I missed my wife, and I missed writing. I know I still have a long to learn about writing smut but I kinda like the way this turned out.

Edit: I had to remove the gif bc some p*rn blogs were interacting which is the very least thing I want.

The door of your quarters slammed closed behind you with a loud thud muffling the first of many moans leaving your mouth as Rey pushed you against the cold wall, kissing your lips passionately. The arousal in your body growing wilder inside you with every passing moment her hands were traveling up and down your figure.

Bodies pressed together against the wall, hands grabbing each other's faces urging to get impossibly closer to one another.

Carefully you raised your leg between her thighs earning a delicious moan from Rey's lips as she felt the friction over her covered core, delighted with the sensation the small moves from your leg provided her.

Rey had just come back from a long mission. It had been weeks, if not months, since the last time you saw her, you had already lost count of how many rotations had passed. But she was back at the base now and the desire awakened in your body the moment you saw her stepping out of the Falcon, beautiful as always, a mischievous plan hidden in her smile.

There was no need for words, a simple lustful gaze was enough for you to know exactly what Rey had in mind. She was tired after the long mission, hungry as she had never been before and in need of sleep, but even more in need of your touch.

It didn't take long for you to find yourself in your quarters, softly whimpering as Rey pressed hot kisses all along your shoulders, playfully biting and sucking on the hypersensitive skin of your neck while your hands tried to get her out of the many layers of thin fabric that covered her delicate body.

Both of you were desperate, needy. Didn't realize how touch starved you were until now, devouring each other against the wall begging for more kisses, more skin, more light touches, craving to feel more of each other.

“Bed. Now.” Rey murmured against your neck before crashing her lips against yours. Hands on your hips she started leading you backwards to the bed on the other side of the room as she had done many other nights before. You moved around the room in the dark leaving a trail of clothes all over the floor until the back of your legs met the soft mattress.

Rey roughly pushed you onto the bed, immediately climbing over your lap, slightly rocking her hips against your leg, longing to feel the friction that was driving her wild. Her lips leaving yours for the first time only to take her shirt off and while she was on it you couldn't resist to wrap her slim waist and guide her body to your mouth pressing light kisses all over her heated skin. From her long neck and down to her breast, taking special time to play around with your tongue over her hardened nipple which made your lover shiver as sinful whimpers left her pretty lips.

Rey moaned your name under her breath when one of your hands slided under her underwear and you fingers met her most sensitive spot.

"I love the way my name sounds in your lips." You smirked, rubbing her clit torturing slowly, making her gasp before a new moan with your name filled the room. "Especially when you moan it."

Those sounds. Her beautiful moans of pleasure just made the arousal and the lust stronger inside you, causing a rush of heat throughout your body. Rey whimpering under your touch got you even more eager to feel her. Your fingers slided deeper between her thighs teasing her entrance. With a grin dancing over your lips you stared at her raising an eyebrow, waiting for her to ask you to fuck her just the right way.

"Please," she finally said panting, guiding your lips back to her mouth to hungrily kiss you one more time. "I’ve waited a long time for this. I need you right now, please."

“Please, what?” you teased, enjoying having control over this powerful woman.

“Please touch me.” she gasped in your ear.

With that you slided your fingers inside her dripping heat, pumping them in and out slowly before reaching a steady pace. Trembling obscenities leaving her mouth as you kept your fingers working on her, the palm of your hand providing the needed friction over her bulge of nerves with each stroke and each new thrust. The combination was taking her closer to her high. She began to grind her hips holding your shoulders steady, riding your fingers faster with every passing second chasing her release, a delicious ache spreading over her whole body.

Whines of pure pleasure echoing through the room as your fingers pleasured your lover’s desires, curling them inside her you found that sweet spot that made her arch her spine and moan blissfully. She was close, you could feel her walls tightening around your fingers, her hips moving a little slower but never stopping, not even to catch her breath. Her muscles were tired after the long mission, her whole body tensing more and more. It was just a matter of time for her to get there.

With a few more moves from your fingers she reached her high, her sweet release was like melted honey dripping between your fingers that helped her ride her high. Her grip on your shoulders tightened, holding herself as the luscious moan of your name came from her mouth in the very last moments.

Shivering and exhausted, Rey leaned in to kiss you passionately, gasping between the kisses still trying to calm her breath.

"Miss me?" you purred as you kissed her neck, leaving marks over her sensible skin for her to remember this night.

"You have no idea how much." Rey half moaned half whispered in your ear, her breath still agitated but there was a playful tone on her voice that let you know this wasn’t over. "I missed your eyes, your lips. Your fingers deep inside me." She kissed down your neck playfully licking here and there, making a new wave of heat rush over your body. "I missed the feel of your skin and the taste of your lips. I missed you more than words can say.” her words purred in your ear followed by a few gasps, the result of your fingers softly rubbing her still sensitive clit.

“Show me how much.” You told her, your voice sounded hungrier than you anticipated and, oh, the effect it had on Rey. She looked down at you with eyes darkened with desire. She bit the delicate skin on your neck earning a fresh moan from your lips.

“Lay back.” she said, the tone of her voice was lower, deeper. It was rather an order that you were more than willing to obey.

You would usually take your time to discover every inch of yourselves, you both liked to take this moment of intimacy slowly, to caress every single spot delicately, sweetly. But not today. Today you just wanted to melt beneath each other's touch, you wanted to satisfy the urge. Compensate for the time you were apart.

Rey kissed your lips one more time before starting her way down your body, never losing eye contact. She was eager to touch you, desperate for a taste.

Then she was finally softly biting the inside of your legs looking you in the eye with that mischievous grin. Maker, she could easily make you come right there with just the looks she was giving you, you couldn’t imagine a more beautiful view than her head between your thighs.

After taking off the soaked underwear out of your body she was inpatient, she seemed hungry and once she had you completely naked and spread open for her she couldn't control herself any longer she leaned to brush her lips over your heated core, eliciting a wave of pleasure through your body.

She was rougher than usual, feral, devouring you with so much passion that soon made your whines filled the warm air in the small room.

“Rey!” you cried in pleasure every time her tongue found a new delicate spot. She took special time to softly suck on your clit, flicking her tongue up and down your wetness. Pleased with the very sound that left your mouth knowing she was the one causing such pretty moans to escape from you.

You tugged her hair, desperate to hold onto something, this only made her moan against your most sensitive spot sending a delicious shiver over your body. You kept the grip on her hair, bucking your hips up in need of more of her lips and tongue against your core. Unconsciously you closed your legs around her head as a load whine escaped your mouth. Rey stopped her work on you for a moment to push your back into the bed, spreading your leg open for her as she shifted to have a better hold with one of her strong arms.

“Stay steady,” she said repositioning between your legs “or I'll stop.”

“No!” you whinnied “Please don’t stop”.

With a satisfied smirk she went back to her work, tracing circles with her tongue over your pulsing clit sending waves of bliss through every inch of you. Rey added a couple fingers to the mix that was driving your senses crazy, effortlessly sliding her skilled fingers into your dripping entrance.

It was all perfect, her fingers curling inside your aroudl, her tongue sending throbs of pleasure to your core, she was taking you closer and closer to your release and she knew it. She enjoyed it.

Pace getting faster, tongue moving quicker. Rey was exhausted but your pretty moans kept her going, though they were rather whimpers and obscenities, but mostly cries of her name. She had you whining and trembling beneath her seductive spell taking you closer to your high until all you could think of was her and nothing more than her.

You closed your eyes as the orgasm snapped at you, every muscle on your body tensing as the known sensation in the low of your belly spreaded through every inch of your body. Rey never stopped her work on your core, she helped you ride your orgasm to the very end, pleased with the way your back arched and a fresh moan invaded the room.

Your lover took her time to lick away your sweet juices off your still heated core before climbing up you again meeting as much skin as she could, her lips were more tender now, delicate and sweet as your chest rising and falling slowly getting back to normal. Then her lips finally met yours again, Rey kissed you slowly and delicately, even a little sloppy. Your hand traveled to the back of her neck to pull her closer to your mouth. This act was sweet, soft after the rough reunion.

“I really missed you, Y/N” she smiled sincerely down at you "and I missed this." She told you running her hand through your messy hair. You giggled pressing a gentle kiss over her lips.

"I miss you too, sunshine."

Tagging: @1-800-depressedlesbian , @xgaygremlinx, @natasha-danvers

(In case you want to be tagged for specific things or everything I write, just let me know)

#rey of jakku #rey star wars #rey x reader #rey x y/n #i-write-sometimes-blog #rey of nowhere #rey x you #star wars imagine #star wars #rey #rey imagine #rey of jakku imagine #rey of jakku x reader #rey of jakku smut #wlw smut #rey smut #smut #star wars tlj #tlj #tfa #star wars tfa #tros #star wars tros

[chrisevansgoodgirl]

do you want more of this? isn't it glorious?

summary: requested: Imagine the victory sex after Andy wins a case. It’s a mix between the softest and most harried sex you’ve ever had, bc he’s so excited but he also wants to slow things down and just revel in the moment. also he feels guilty about working so late all the time and ignoring you for this case, so he of course has to make it up to you somehow

warnings: just smut. a lotta smut. pretty vanilla smut tho. it’s cute smut.

word count: around 5,000

pairing: andy barber  x reader

a/n: so okay, if you’re upset with me that i haven’t been writing. i am guilty, definitely, but the real culprit is this story! (okay, it was technically me for being an idiot and editing a post ON tumblr instead of the word doc, but) i just got really attached to this writing and when i lost some of it, it was actually really sad and i could not make myself finish this request until literally two days ago even though i started working on it at the start of june. and plus also, i really am about to have to find a new song, running out of lyrics l o l

Andy wasn’t anything close to optimistic when he left that morning. He was exhausted because he’d crawled into bed at three in the morning. He was scattered, his keys in his office, his phone upstairs and uncharged, the files he’d been looking at the entire night either in the kitchen, living room, or his office. He was nervous, something you only knew because he asked you to tie his tie.

But Andy wasn’t some overly emotional man who needed your support to win a case. He relied on himself first, you second—and that was okay, that was what you signed up for. Andy loved taking care of you and there were some lines that that meant you weren’t able to cross.

You wanted to tell him that you knew he would do the best he could, you wanted to claim that that was all that mattered. It was bigger, though. It wasn’t him that had failed, it wasn’t even the evidence or the police. It was about politics, he had explained when you asked a few days prior. It was about a case that he had known was always going to be a long shot at best, and well, impossible otherwise.

So, you simply knotted the tie, smoothed your hand down it, and told him you loved him in gray. He scoffed. How could you not be tired of seeing him in gray at this point? Instead of giving him an answer that would make him blush, you kissed him.

He asked you about work and you told him it was just another day. Actually, you would be skipping work, not much to do anyway, and you knew that this case was important. You didn’t want to chance getting caught up in anything and making it home after him. You wished him luck on his way out and he kissed the top of your head and thanked you.

Nothing major, of course. Because he didn’t want you to know that he was worried about this. When you were just dating Andy, picking up on these signs was almost impossible. As soon as you were living together, he was completely and unintentionally transparent.

Sometimes, he would come home and it felt like he had a raincloud with him. Sometimes, he would just lay with you, hold you in his arms for hours, just wanting to hear you talk. Sometimes, he was too disappointed in himself and holed up in his office until you forced him out.

Other times, he was sunshine and full of happiness and pride. He would hold you all the same, but he would kiss you and tell you how much he loved you. He would want to celebrate, go out for dinner, plan a small vacation. You loved him always, wholly, but when he won, that was when you were happiest.

As mentioned, there wasn’t much you could do. Andy was big on little gestures. He didn’t need you to be some cheerleader waiting at his side and telling him that he was doing everything right. He needed to do this alone, win or lose on his own, and then come to you with the results. He wasn’t too keen on letting you be involved in the cases anyway, he didn’t want you worrying or hearing about those terrible details that had made him cancel the newspaper a long time ago.

So, it was a Friday, and if he lost or won, that meant that you would have the rest of the day, Saturday, and Sunday to react to it. You guys could stay home and eat terrible food, watch movies, and just be with one another. He’d told you several times that being with you was the only thing that could make him feel better after a loss.

You were baking cookies, his favorite. Oatmeal chocolate chip. You didn’t bake much, and cooking was fairly equal, so this was definitely a “special occasion” type of thing. He’d informed you of this preference on your first date. Then explained that if he had one chance to go back in time, it would be used to find the person who thought up oatmeal raisin cookies and help imprison them for the rest of their life.

It was one of those moments that you realized you would be just as crazy to let him go as you would be to keep him. If only because you knew you were going to fall so deeply in love with him. Clearly, you were right since your third anniversary was approaching.

It was four when he got home and you rushed out of the kitchen. Early. Too early. That normally wasn’t a good sign. He wasn’t smiling but he wasn’t frowning. When he looked at you, you were even more confused. There was something in his eyes, but you weren’t sure if you’d ever seen it.

You set your oven mitt on the counter. “Baby?”

He walked up to you, just watching. His eyes never left yours as he tossed his jacket onto the floor, loosened his tie, then unbuttoned the sleeves of his button-up.

“Andy?”

He took your shoulders, turning you away from him. “The wall, walk to it.”

“What?”

He kissed the top of your head, then whispered, “Come on, baby, be a good girl and do as I say.”

You turned up to him curiously. It was one of those days, you were not allowed to argue. You would say yes, and he would make it worth your while. Currently, he was trying to call your bluff, he wanted you to say no almost as much as he wanted you to just say yes.

Andy liked it when you fought a little. Sometimes. To an extent. But never when he lost, and you were too scared of that possibility. Maybe the trial was extended and the stress was getting to him. He could use you for the relief, it was one of the most flattering compliments you’d ever received. Besides, he offered you the same when you had a rough day at work.

You looked forward and made your way to the wall. Was it wrong that you were already wet? There was something about Andy. Something irresistible when he spoke to you this way, when he was in one of these moods. Something so sexy when he let you have no room to breathe, to compromise, to pull away from him at all. You were his completely and he was reminding you.

“Take your shirt off.”

You did so, attempting to hide that you were shaking. You weren’t scared, but the things you were anticipating were terrible. The way you wanted him to fuck you until you were incapable of thinking or speaking.

“Touch yourself?”

Your hands immediately went to your breasts, uncaring of how cold your skin was. Your wedding ring, especially, something that never failed to make you smile whenever it brushed your skin. You pulled on your nipples hard, letting your head fall back as you moaned.

It was a few minutes of nothing but the whimpers that came from you, before he said, “Your shorts.”

Again, you obliged. Only, this time you did so with less haste because you weren’t wearing any underwear. You expected sex, that was always a given regardless of win or loss, but you hadn’t thought it would work out so perfectly.

You hadn’t heard him move closer so when he grabbed your ass, you startled. You reached back for him, but he took your wrists in his hands and set them back to your sides.

“Keep them there. Understand?”

“Yes.”

“I love you, okay?”

“I know,” you promised. “I always know.”

“I know sometimes I don’t take care of you like I should…I get lost in a case because I believe that’s the only way I will win. But I want you to know that nothing is more important to me than you. I could win a million cases, but it doesn’t mean a thing if I can’t come home to you after every single one.”

“Andy, there’s never been a second that I’ve ever doubted it. And I love you. You know that? I don’t care about the cases, I don’t care that sometimes you come to bed late or sometimes you’re distracted, you’re the best man I know and you’re just trying to help people.”

“I know you do, baby.” His arms wrapped around your waist and he set his chin to your shoulder. “I was thinking about you the entire time today.”

You smiled. “What were you thinking?”

“How badly I wanted to be inside you.”

“Because last night wasn’t enough?” It had to be quick, it had to be a lot of things. It wasn’t disappointing, he never was, but it seemed like it only left both of you wanting so much more. Sometimes, you had to wonder if he did that as encouragement to speed up whatever he was doing.

“I will never get enough of you, my love. You know, I have this awful fantasy… Wanna hear about it?”

“Yes.”

“It’s whenever I feel like I’m losing…like I’ve just made a mistake, and all I want is you laid out on the table before me. I want to watch you fuck your fingers until you can’t move, until you’re shaking and crying, begging me to get you off because you can’t do it anymore.”

“You want them all to watch?” you wondered.

“Yeah, maybe… Maybe I want them to hear the way you scream my name, the way you beg me to fuck you harder, when you ask me to choke you. I want them to see how wet I can get your pussy without even touching it.”

“Then what?”

“Then I want to fill you up and watch my cum drip out of you.”

You sighed longingly. That was your favorite part of Saturday mornings. Most of them were spent fucking and he loved coming inside you, loved making you stand up so he could see it trail down your thighs, or getting you down to your knees so he could see it on the floor after he finished in your mouth.

“Like the sound of that?”

You nodded.

“Then I’ll make you clean it off the table with your tongue.”

You tried not to blush, clearing your throat quietly. “The end?”

“Of that one,” he confirmed.

You turned up to him, a pleading look on your face. Andy rarely ever told you about the weird shit he thought of. It was always a relaxed progression and sometimes, you felt like he was holding back.

He smirked. “If you’re a good girl, I’ll tell you some more.”

“I’ll be good,” you promised.

“I know,” he assured. “You always are.”

You nodded. “Always.”

“Okay, ‘always’ was an exaggeration,” he scoffed.

“No, always.”

He kissed the pout off your face and took your chin in his hand to face you forward again. His palm trailed up your cheekbone and into your hair. As he pressed you into the wall, he angled your face so that your cheek was pinned there.

You shuddered when you felt the first smack across your ass. It was very light, more noise than anything else, but it was enough for you.

“This is another one,” he informed. “The idea of people watching you get so needy to be spanked. The things you say, the way your body moves because you need it so bad, how you cry because you want more. I want to bend you over that table and spank you for hours until your entire ass is red.”

You made a small pleading noise, pressing your hips back more. He understood immediately and repeated the hit on the opposite side. “Andy,” you whimpered. “Please.”

You weren’t sure what you were asking for. You needed relief, you needed an answer. You had to know if he won or lost because you needed to act accordingly. You figured him not telling you in a straightforward way was just another way of either regaining or maintaining control.

You reached back without his permission, which you knew was pushing it, but you couldn’t stop yourself. Your hands found the button of his pants and you indelicately tore them open. You pressed your palm up and down the length of his cock.

It took him a moment to recover but he swatted your hands away and yanked his pants down. His hands closed around your upper arms and he pulled them back, propping your chest up as he used his own body to press you completely into the wall. It was cold enough that you tried to squirm away, but he gave you no room to move.

“Andy,” you whimpered. “Please, I need you inside me.”

He slipped his arm between both of yours and your back, you couldn’t move and that was exactly what he wanted. He used his other hand to tease you with the head of his cock. He slid up and down your soaking cunt several times and when he finally pressed in, even though it was just a little, you shuddered.

“Ask for it, baby.”

“Please,” you choked out. “Please, please fuck me. Andy, please, I need you.”

He pushed in the rest of the way and you both moaned. It was humiliating how badly you needed this. Though, last night was different. He was stressed, you spent most of the time on his lap until he couldn’t take not being in control anymore and threw you down on the coffee table.

He let you adjust around him, all the while kissing your shoulders and the back of your neck. When you turned your head back slightly, he kissed your cheek and nudged your attention back to the wall with his nose. He placed one hand on the wall for some balance, set his chin on your shoulder, and slowly pulled out.

You let your forehead rest against the wall. “Fuck, Andy.”

His hips bucked forward and yours slammed into the wall. Perhaps this was potentially dangerous, perhaps not the best investment for your hips in the far future, but fuck, this was too good to suggest that he be gentler. Last thing you wanted.

As he found a steady pace, pulling out almost completely, and pushing back in as deep as he could, you couldn’t stop moaning. He had found that spot inside you and didn’t shy away from it. There would be no teasing tonight, just him fucking you until you couldn’t stand.

His hand on the wall slid down, catching your attention. You were sure he was about to reach for your neck, but instead, he placed it over your mouth to stifle your screams.

“I want them all to hear this, too,” he muttered in your ear. “How absolutely wet your pussy is for my cock.” You had never heard anything more obscene than when he would thrust back in, to the point where his body was flush against yours, the wet sound echoed and your cheeks burned but Andy truly seemed to love it. “And this sound,” he pulled his hips back at an agonizingly slow pace, “when your pussy is desperately trying to lock me inside because you know there’s no better feeling than my cock.”

You felt as though you currently had no control over your body. It always did what it pleased in reaction to Andy, but when he decided to take advantage of the desire you felt for him, that was enough to make even you blush. It wasn’t like being married to Andy left any room for modesty or even tradition. He was a creative and demanding man who wanted to explore you in every way he could imagine.

He kept you as quiet as he could, all while grunting in your ear. Normally, you were much louder than him and you could barely hear the sounds he made, now it was all you could hear. And you had been under the impression you couldn’t get wetter, but those deep sounds that you felt from his chest where he was pressed against you and his hot breath against your skin did something to you that you couldn’t explain.

He chanted your name when he was close and it was enough to give you a completely numbing orgasm. You knew Andy loved you, but sometimes you got so lost in your own pleasure that you weren’t sure where he stood. Andy had the complex job of reassuring you that he physically wanted you just as badly as you wanted him, he didn’t seem to mind having to do so. Actually, it seemed he enjoyed the creativity that was required.

You were shaking as he continued to pound into you at this agonizingly slow pace. He was never slow because he simply couldn’t make himself hold back, but that was no longer the case. You felt the tension in his body, you could feel his muscles moving, struggling to hold onto that admirable restraint that first attracted you to him. He let his hand move to your jaw and you instantly began blurting out his name, how much you loved him, how you just needed him to keep going, and pleaded for him to fill you with his cum.

When he did, he pressed his body flat over yours. You paid no mind to how uncomfortable your arms felt trapped between your bodies or how some of your bones were digging into the wall, you simply reveled in the feeling of him finishing inside you and the moans that poured from his open mouth.

His breaths were short and his chest was moving quickly. He stayed inside you while he was coming down, chin still laid on your shoulder, head now angled to rest against your hair. He continued to hold your arms back and your jaw in his hand, and now his thumb and fingers were moving, rubbing these delicate shapes into your cheeks. “Tell me you love me.”

“I love you,” you echoed. It always gave you butterflies when he requested that. It was so simple, so sweet, so little. But his voice always told you that was all he needed. Andy was not a high maintenance husband, he just wanted to be loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

He pulled you from the wall and his hands roamed over every inch of your skin. He started with your hips, working up to your breasts where he grabbed them hard and pinched your nipples. He moved down your stomach to your pussy, spreading you with one hand when his other hand traced a soft, careful circle around your clit.

You rested back against him, sighing. “I love you.”

“Mhm,” he hummed in encouragement. He kept you against him even as he began to walk back from the wall.

“I love you,” you repeated. “I love you.”

He turned you both around, moving toward the table while you continued to say it. It was awkward trying to walk with him still inside you and would have been impossible if not for his impressive length.

You had assumed he was going to bend you over and fuck you. That he would pull your hair, spank you, make you tell him how bad you wanted it. Nope, he wasn’t feeling predictable. It wasn’t like you ever minded Andy’s predictability, he still made your toes curl. In fact, you liked the stability of how he made love to you. You liked that he made the world outside just disappear with his insistence on taking care of you and letting you take care of him. However, that didn’t mean you would turn down anything else. You were always humiliatingly eager for whatever Andy wanted you to have.

He pulled out and took your arms once more, turning you to face him before he pushed you back onto the table. “Lie down.”

You were careful as you obliged, trying to keep the cum from dripping out of you. You gasped when he took your waist and yanked you down to the edge of the table.

He angled your hips up and you set your calves on top of his shoulders. He pushed in and then pulled out inch by inch, watching the entire time. His cock was covered in cum that he would have much preferred to see on you, so he took himself in his hand and spread what he could over your pussy and your thighs.

“Andy,” you said quietly.

His eyes flit up for a moment before his hand pressed down between your legs and his gaze followed.

“Andrew,” you huffed.

He lifted an eyebrow at you. “Y/N?”

“What happened? With the case?” After what he just did, you would spend the rest of the night on your knees with your mouth around him if he wanted it. Normally, when he lost, he did.

“Number one rule, baby. We don’t talk about work here.”

“The table?”

“Well, we said the bedroom—”

“You said the bedroom—”

“But I’m fucking you here, so it still counts.” Before you could protest, he leaned over and kissed the center of your stomach.

You snorted, rolling your eyes. “What are you doing?”

He didn’t respond verbally, he merely kissed up the middle of your torso, between your breasts before veering off to the side. He gently kissed around your nipple, then swiped his tongue over it.

Your eyes fluttered shut and your hand came up to tangle in his hair.

He repeated the same on the opposite breast before trailing up to your mouth. You loved kissing Andy. Sometimes, you would both spend the entire morning in bed just kissing. Hours. Just pressed against each other. Smiling. Laughing. Whispering against the other’s lips. It was also Andy’s favorite recovery activity. The quickest way to get him hard again.

He was resting on his forearm, opposite hand touching your face as his lips moved with yours. His kisses were long and breath-taking, just like the first time he kissed you and how he had been kissing you ever since. Sure, there were the chaste goodbye kisses, the moments when a kiss like this would result in both of you not wanting to separate even if the world was ending so you would have to keep them short and innocent, but most of the time, Andy acted like his job was to pour as much love into every kiss he gave you.

He broke away to touch his lips to your cheek, your jaw, your forehead, your nose. That was always how he liked to end it as he was stroking himself until he was ready to fuck you again.

He stood as he pressed into your asshole, eyes fixed on where your bodies connected.

Your back arched as your arms shot out to grab to the edges of the table. He was slow about it, you would even say cruel. He watched you with unconcealed smugness, a truly animalistic part of Andy enjoyed how much you enjoyed him fucking your ass. It was the noises you made, the tears that would fill your eyes because it was so good, the way you would press your body back further, wordlessly pleading for more. When he wouldn’t give in, you became impatient and bratty, and he loved having to put you back in your place.

He wouldn’t do it this time, however. He could tell you were too tired, too focused on him and the case. His hand found your center again where he rubbed your clit with just the tips of his fingers.

You were whimpering, your hips jumped, your legs pulled him in closer where they were still draped over his shoulders, you clawed at the table, possibly left some marks. This was always his goal, to get you so mindless and dependent on the things only he could make you feel, and it was an exhausting process, but you wouldn’t want anything else.

He grabbed one of your hands and brought it to your clit. “Don’t stop unless I tell you to.”

With two fingers pressed flat, you began tracing sloppy circles over your pussy. You didn’t have the muscle control to focus on one small area at this point, but you caught your clit enough times to get yourself close.

He leaned over you, hands pressing down on either side of you as his hips picked up speed. His eyes were locked on yours, desperate to see that overly loving look you gave him every time he made you orgasm.

You let your legs fall from his shoulders, wrapping them around his torso. He couldn’t be slow anymore or even remotely controlled. His hands pushed you up the table as he crawled onto it as well. He practically collapsed on top of you, his hips driving into you so hard the table was starting to move just a little.

You pulled your hand away even though he didn’t tell you that you could and grabbed his shoulders. He pressed his body flat against yours so that his pelvis would rub against your clit with every thrust.

It had been so long since you left scratches on his back. He liked them, but you were sure they had to hurt, so you attempted to find other coping mechanisms. But then, it had been so long since he was this uncontrolled, and as your nails dragged down his skin, that only encouraged him.

The table squeaked against the hardwood floor, skin slapped skin, and moans and curses fell from his mouth. You were breathless, a scream caught in your throat while he coaxed you closer to a finish. Anywhere you touched him, you could feel his muscles moving, his back, his ass, his thighs.

He fucked you without his usual concern of possibly being too rough, he simply did not care in that moment. He grabbed a handful of your hair and yanked your head back. He kissed and bit over the parts of your breasts he could reach. His hands moved along your sides, fingers digging into your hips or pressing your thighs up further to open your body even more for him.

When you informed him you were close, he leveled himself to see your face. His brow was furrowed and it was fascinating to see the way the blue of his eyes moved. Not to sound like such a cliché, but it reminded you of waves in the ocean.

“Come on,” he panted, “I want to hear you begging.”

“Please, please, please.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling yourself just a little closer to him. “Please, I want to feel you come inside me.”

“Yeah?” he cooed. “In your ass?”

You nodded frantically. “Please. Please come in my ass.”

His head dropped to the bend of your neck where he bit down rather hard to drown out the sound that followed his orgasm. You didn’t mind even though you knew there would be a mark, even though you knew your coworkers would eye you. No one was surprised anymore, they had this image of your husband as the sex-crazed lawyer, and in reality, were they wrong? Not exactly.

You were just seconds after him, wrapping yourself around him as tight as you could. You sobbed his name and about a million other incoherent things while he kissed around that tender spot that his teeth had just been, whispering how much he loved you and how good you were.

He pulled out and kissed you after you whimpered. He rolled over, lying flat on the table and bringing you up to his side. His fingers brushed through your hair and you both attempted to get your breathing back to normal.

You were silent, reveling in the feeling of his cum slipping from your ass down the back of your thighs. Your skin was sticky and you were sweating, your hair was sticking to your forehead and your back. You couldn’t have looked beautiful, but Andy still kissed the top of your head and claimed otherwise.

You turned your head up to him after you had both settled. “Did you lose?”

He scoffed. “You have such faith in me.”

“You’re the only person I have faith in. The jury? Well, any time you lose, they’re morons.”

He smiled. “I guess they were smart this time.”

You lifted yourself onto your forearms. “You won? Baby, you should have told me! I baked a billion cookies, but…we should celebrate! I can make a reservation, we could go—”

He took a handful of your hair and pulled your mouth against his for a slow kiss. He was the one who broke away, just to see that dumb look on your face whenever he surprised you with a kiss. “We did just celebrate.”

“No, I want to do something special for you.”

He arched an eyebrow. “Well, I have a few ideas.”

You realized exactly where his mind was going, the last place you had suspected. Really, you should know better by now. “What other boxes do you want to check? You’ve tied me up. You’ve bent me over a Paris balcony. You’ve fucked me everywhere in this house. You’ve fucked me in the car. My childhood bedroom in my parent’s house.”

“I have a long list of all the things I still want to do to you.”

“So, tell me what you want.”

He leaned up and kissed your nose. “Let’s clean up and order some food, I’ll think about it.”

You rolled your eyes as you watched him get off the table. “And was ‘list’, like, a figure of speech? Or do you have a physical list?”

He hesitated a moment before glancing back at you.

It was totally an existing list that he had hidden somewhere and suddenly, you wanted it more than anything else in the world. “I will burn this house to the ground if that’s what I need to do to find that list, Andrew.”

He snorted. “Well, good luck because you will never find it.”

#andy barber x reader #always accepting andy requests just fyi #my writing

[meibemeibelline]

part 3 (FINAL) of highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette songs (2012-2018)

PART 1 | PART 2

once again:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and other random things I wrote while listening. Not every song will be featured, sorry.

I sometimes directly quote translations and when I do, I’ll specify whose it was. Here are the masterposts of lyrics by Heresiarchy , Defective Tragedy and Trauma Radio

I will write song titles for which there are warnings in bold and all caps

So this part will be a bit different because mental health and The Band became really prominent themes in their music in a way it wasn’t really before, so rather than simply writing about songs as they come, I do (attempt to) connect some dots between songs and albums

Also this is REALLY LONG (~5k words)

If you read any of these posts, thank you <3

CONTENT WARNINGS: murder (In Blossom), reference to abuse (In Blossom), suicide/suicidal thoughts (Kagefumi, Deux/Blemish), reference to PTSD (Incubus). Overall LOTS of discussions about mental health.

buckle up folks it’s gonna be a long one

So I listened to Division according to the limited edition version where the songs got split into the ‘story-like songs’ and the ‘hype songs’. Just while we’re on that, I like to think that Vein is the story part because these songs (the blood) are meant to go TO our hearts, while Artery, which is the ‘raw emotion’, is the heart doing the talking and supplying the oxygen that will do its thing. LIKE HEADBANGING.

“Ibitsu is not the first song they’ve written about changes in the music industry, but it’s quite different from others like 13Stairs[-]1 and Dim Scene. They were quite angry about the state of things, lamenting it. But here, Ruki is writing his and the band’s place in all of that. It’s like in the other two songs he’s like, “wow look at all this rubble. This sucks.” But in Ibitsu he’s writing about how he’s also in that rubble and thinks about what HE feels about it in relation to himself and the GazettE. And I find that quite interesting. Also hell YES imagery – skies as ideals, the world around them collapsing into ruin, the band as a flower amidst the rubble that can’t reach the sky. It sounds like he’s trying to navigate how he’s supposed to move forward when his ideals and what’s happening in the industry oppose each other quite a lot. He doesn’t reach an answer in this song and ends by asking whether it is actually in ruins or whether he’s just afraid of change, I think.” - interestingly, he uses this same imagery in Kuroku Sunda Sora to Zangai to Katahane to write about anxiety and not feeling good enough.

Quick disclaimer on KAGEFUMI: I do want to say first that I’m talking about this purely as a piece of art. Not as in, like, “this is peak romance”, but just as an artwork I can have Opinions™ about, even if they’re possibly in disagreement with that of the creator. “The shadow tag metaphor for a couple committing double suicide meaning that they’re ‘becoming one’ and being together in death is A Lot. There’s an incredibly strong belief in an afterlife where they can be together makes (what Ruki describes) this stronger bond between them that literally lasts or even transcends the boundaries between life and death, rather than a tragic end (unlike Tokyo Shinjuu). Musically, I love this song and think it’s gorgeous, the way it’s sad yet hopeful. We over here with that bittersweet stuff again but lyrically it’s a WILDLY different route than others before it.”

“Yoin is such a heavy end to disc 1. The ending lines, “The sea of loss / Understanding of helplessness / That day we grieved” about the Tohoku earthquake/tsunami and the nuclear disaster is just so ……. And not only that, but how even though people still struggle to survive, people are moving on like it’s a thing of the past. It’s SO heavy.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“I think [Derangement] is about a massive internal struggle between wanting longing for the past, knowing it won’t come back, but also wanting to destroy the past out of self-hatred. There are aspects of the past, perhaps ambition and drive for example, that are good, but other parts that are not. It’s almost like a continuation of Remember the Urge but like…angrier and with more hatred towards his own past rather than only the longing of it. Which is also really interesting.” – this is definitely one of the themes that comes up A LOT from now, ESPECIALLY in Ninth. We’ll get to that.

“IS KAI GOOD??? That man is NOT human. I swear to god his drums in Required Malfunction are INSANE. ANYWAY, this song is about how people cannot be perfect and we all have flaws, especially in the context of relationships. I like that even though people argue and butt heads sometimes, there’s that Japanese verse where he sings “Let’s send a song without stains / to that innocence without lies / so you can swallow those wounds” and the last lines “Because you are always here, I can advance” to mean like…them being together can ultimately make them better and it can be a good relationship (if they work on it, imo). Also, I love the language he uses here – viruses and malfunctions and inputs – a very non-human way to write about human relationships.” (Cr: Trauma Radio)

(Dripping Insanity) “Solitude drenched in red laughs / in the insanity dripping in silence” is SUCH a good line yes hello I appreciate this. (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“EYYY HAVEN’T HEARD FORBIDDEN BEAVER IN FOREVER. At first I was wondering if this might be judgmental but honestly? I think this is satirical, especially from the line “May the truth you spew on taboos going frantically around / Shred the rhythm of high society”. Like the fact they’re gossiping about a famous woman who has a lot of sex and just TARNISHING her name bc of it, to Ruki, is a load of bullshit. Also, some of the lyrics in the chorus are funny coming from Ruki – “She has a sex addiction / Bang! Bang! / Cute luv machine” – like he does NOT ever write like this and this song is just a huge satirical joke I’m YELLING.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“The transition from Malformed Box to Inside Beast >>>>”

“[Inside Beast] is definitely about having a ‘beast’ inside you that’s like all your demons and ugly feelings and to let them all out. He wrote about demons in Derangement, but the way he writes about acceptance is like…empowering and freeing. Not necessarily through words but through the music and just how hard this song slaps.”

“I really love the lyrics of [Until it Burns Out] and its whole thing about valuing the time they have as a band and to be together making music precisely because it’s going to end someday, and it’s going to be their last shot at living their dreams, which is to make music and perform TOGETHER as the GazettE. Like that’s so meaningful, and powerful in the way they just…grab it by the fucking throat. Breaking down the walls that hold them back, TOGETHER, towards the future in which they see their dreams. Like they’re not letting this be the end. They won’t allow it. UGH. UGHHH. The middle eight is so beautiful and I love the lines “The light that colours this irreplaceable scenery / burns the significance of standing here into me / Until the last” like they just love performing SO MUCH UGGGHHH FEELINGS”. (Cr: Trauma Radio)

“[REDO] IS SO GODDAMN SENTIMENTAL I’M IN MY FEELINGSSSSS. Kai being the composer, I can’t help but feel this is him paying homage to jazz, which is the music his mother plays and he loves her so so much. I’m probably reaching but THAT’S JUST HOW I FEEL.”

“EVERBODY SHUT UPPPP IT’S LAST HEAVEN TIMEEEE. It’s so gd gorgeous and sweet. I’M GETTING REALLY EMO WHAT THE FUCKKKK. BRUH. BRUUUUHHH. THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL //THROWS. SHUT UPPPP. TOO MANY SKY, STAR AND FOREVER REFERENCES FOR THIS TO BE OKAY BITCH. This is Ruki’s love song to the cosmos, wishing to be eternal like the stars but acknowledging that all he can do is chase it knowing his life will end, BUT THAT THEY DON’T HAVE TO GRIEVE BECAUSE THEY WILL MEET AGAIN IN THE AFTERLIFE BECAUSE IN SOME WAY WE /ARE/ ETERNAL. IT’S LOVING AND INNOCENT AND WISTFUL. This song is the goddess to all the GazettE love songs. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK. “The distant sky, this infinite moment / I now wish from the visible stars / in this youthful merry-go-round / that continues to turn endlessly / I want to be eternal like you” – is just…such a beautiful image. “Let’s stay like this, having dreams we cannot reach / Long road which leads to the calm hill / I go, leaving my sadness behind / Good night…my beloved / Last heaven of mine” – it’s yearning but it’s the yearning for LIFE. And to leave behind sadness…Ruki very rarely writes about pain like this. And to call the ‘beloved’ his last heaven, the last thing in his life that’s just THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO HIM AND THE THING HE WANTS TO BE ETERNAL WITH goodbye………GOODBYE. “Love without shape changing day by day / Close together / we become / one shooting star” – AAAHHH AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. Also, for him to say ‘memento mori’ which means “Remember, you must die” in the middle eight of a song about wanting to be eternal just gives the entire sentiment a new meaning ;-;” (Cr: Trauma Radio)

“There’s a particular sound to Division and Beautiful Deformity (but more in BD). It sounds like rushing water. Loss in particular sounds like this. Like, the sound isn’t just ‘dark’ and ‘heavy’, it moves A LOT and there is sooo much emotionality in the songs on this album. It’s really dynamic.”

“The Stupid Tiny Insect revisits the theme of inner demons. Specifically, in this song it sounds like negative internal self-talk. It’s interesting though, the way that Ruki writes it as an entirely separate being to how he writes inner demons and whatnot in other songs, where it’s either another entity within a person that is part of them OR just…themselves. Here, they are VERY separate, and that probably allows him to feel and express rage instead of helplessness or confusion. I also love the reference to pretending to be okay – “I get high on delusion / And act as if I made them die out / ‘Just like a summer moth to a flame”.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“IN BLOSSOM is pretty fucking brilliant lyrically imo. It reminds me a lot of 32 Koukei no Pistol in that a protagonist who was abused/neglected by the parents kills them, and in the latter’s case only, also themselves. Some other differences: In Blossom is WAY angrier (and a lot more loaded) and the protagonist is trying to ‘make their own life’ (even if the way they choose to do that DOESN’T WORK), whereas the narrator in 32 Calibre Pistol was mostly lamenting that they’ve ‘lost their way’ and deep-down were wishing for their family to be happy together. I can’t say WHY that is. But it’s interesting that in In Blossom, the abuse just…DESTROYED their concept of family that they used to believe in entirely, and the fact they cannot separate themselves from their abusers neither by dying nor killing them is A Lot. So, they try to free themselves and ‘get hope’ by killing their abusers as revenge (“Die away, along with these wounds I’d counted”), but it doesn’t bring them happiness or heal them (“Even if I slash so much it’s unparalleled by the wounds I’d counted, it still starts to ache / It doesn’t even fight off the decay, much less heal me”). It’s very much saying that despite pain, revenge is not the answer. I also love the line “They adorn vividly – have blossomed beautifully / The sun that has started to set makes sure of it” to describe the wounds as the narrator kills their abusers and their loss of sanity as they do so.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“To Dazzling Darkness is about that moment when a concert is over and the lights start to come on. It’s so gorgeous. This is sort of like, the other side of Until it Burns Out. If UIBO is about the band then TDD is about the fans, and the band’s place in the world. I love the imagery in the first verse – darkness is usually associated with bad things, but here darkness is peace, escapism and unity that are part of the happiness of a concert, while the light symbolises the continuation of life. The scenery here is the same scenery in UIBO, which is the scenery of a concert that this band cherishes. There’s also the acknowledgement that time is fleeting and nothing is forever. Like, this is really the other side of the coin and I love it.”

“Dogma defines their new (2015) sound so well, which is HEAVY AND DIRTY AS FUCK. Like, it is SO conceptual and experimental and the painting is just GORGEOUS. I love the harpsichord in this song – as the predecessor of the piano, it was used in a lot of churches and religious music in the Baroque period (1600-1750ish), so using it here in a song where the band is likened to idols (the religious type) is super cool. And to combine it with these really low and heavy guitars just gives the DARKEST image.

And there’s so much going on in the lyrics – MANY MOTIFS, MANY MEANINGS. They bring back the concept of darkness as a symbol for escape from harsh life and of unity during concerts. As for death, Reita has an iconic quote where he said something along the lines of: “we often say in lives ‘to die’, but what we actually mean is to live. Live and be free”. I see death for GazettE as a kind of transformation – and end, yet also a beginning to become something or someone new.

Ruki hasn’t really mentioned god since Ogre in Dim, in which he basically wrote “idk if God exists but I don’t really care – all I need is me”. But here he likens the band to an idol of worship. We as the fans worship the GazettE, and they are also gods to us, their followers, in the sense that they provide us with life and unity (referred to here as death and darkness, respectively). The GazettE as a band brings darkness and death to the world (with their own meanings, of course).

This is also a song about the band breaking away from current gods and dogmas of the music industry, and from its greed. I also love the line, “The rite I must face is cloaked in darkness and isolation” – this process of their journey to finding their truth is lonely, and no one but them can do it for themselves. To do so also isolates them from everything they once knew. It’s them navigating what is expected of them by the masses and those they work with vs doing what they want without getting shunned for it.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

 “DAWN IS ABOUT REDISCOVERING THEMSELVES. I love the number of metaphors he brings back in this song – 13 stairs, death, merry-go-rounds and again dogma. Death here is about the transformation of them as a band, which occurs at the top of the 13 stairs to the gallows. And I find that so interesting because he uses the image of gallows (eg: 13 Stairs[-]1 and Forbidden Beaver) as like…an actual Death that means the end of a genre or a person’s reputation, but here it’s a place of transformation. In Last Heaven, the merry-go-round is a symbol of life – it comes back here but this time it’s red instead of blue (youthful) and is paired with the image of a mad banquet with emotions running wild (ie concerts). Basically, this is about the band’s life and, like, their life being about concerts. My favourite part is “Overcoming a period of confusion, I took those stirring emotions / And hung them up high on the 13 stairs” because there’s also the line “I’ve already had a lethal dose of misfortune / The ruined gallows towers above me” -> WE WENT THROUGH SOME SHIT BUT WE FOUND OURSELVES AND SURPRISE BITCH, BET YOU THOUGHT YOU’D SEEN THE LAST OF ME.” (Cr1: Heresiarchy, Cr2: Defective Tragedy)

Not from my notes directly but I feel like the difference between Bizarre to Juuyonsai no Knife (ie the only two songs about Real juvenile criminals) is a REALLY good representation of how Ruki’s lyrics have changed over the years. He went from taking perspectives of people who perpetrators of violence (to write horror stories, imo, but also to generally Explore their minds through art) to making comments about society and how systems affect people in real life. Not to say he doesn’t write about killers anymore or that social commentary is NEW for him, but just…a big change in what’s PROMINENT.

“Interesting that Wasteland is next, which is about Justice on the Internet. I know Ruki has always been really critical of the internet and the kind of social processes that occur online (see: Nakigahara) and here it’s about morality and justice, but more importantly the way it’s about crowd mindsets and CONTROL. And he just summarises it SO WELL in the first verse: “The thousand eyes that can kill even God / Transform into rebels that lust for control / If the time comes when right and wrong disappear / It will all end with a blood-red moon”. There’s also the line “Innocence gives way to sinful judgment” ie the innocent go along with their ways or it’s the innocent (the weak, as he says later) that are scrutinised. And I think about this a lot considering…some other fandoms I’m in >.>” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(INCUBUS) “The song is a lot of wondering what they did to deserve their trauma and how they want the dreams/nightmares to go away. I do like that at the end of the song they come to the conclusion that they cannot change what happened and decide “fuck the why”, accepting they didn’t deserve it. Even though the narrator is still stuck in the maze (of trauma), the letting go of asking why it happened is like, a really important step in healing. Because it’s the end of self-blame. So, I hope narrator can heal :( “

(DEUX) “My dumbass never realised this but the music of Deux itself has DUALITY. Metal with solo piano. IT REALLY TOOK ME FIVE YEARS TO REALISE THAT HUH. It’s about two conflicting selves (which to me sound more like intrusive thoughts, considering Blemish’s VERY LOUD “These days I’m better dead”) and the effect that has on like, your emotionality and how it leads to loneliness. His use of nightmares in this song is fascinating – the Japanese word he uses (sakayume) is like…a reverse dream, like if a child has a nightmare you tell them it’s a sakayume so it means what happened in their dream definitely won’t happen AND something good will happen instead. And this is something Ruki prays for.”

(Ominous) “The imagery is really dark in this – “A prayer crushed under wreckage / Reflects in your eyes as you start to fly / I see you in the sky thick with shadows / Spinning around with nightmares” – there’s a desperate attempt to fly and get better and do Well but still they’re surrounded by darkness and nightmares, unable to escape. “Don’t forget that a heart cannot die / Don’t forget that dreams aren’t predictions of the future” –There’s hopefulness in a heart not dying yet a very strong despair when he says dreams don’t predict the future, not even reverse dreams. “It steals away my still-unformed future, and whenever I step forth / I can’t see a thing in that shadowed sky / My screaming can’t save anything / when I’m killing myself with sadness” – oh that hurts, that hurts A LOT. He wants to fly but he can’t. This is just SO MUCH. And they didn’t even have an instrumental outro, IT JUST ENDS WITH ACCEPTANCE OF HOPELESSNESS AND DEPRESSION.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“The drums in Goddess uggghhh UGGGHHH. AND THE GUITAR TOOOOOO. Lyrically, this is really a mid-point between depression and healing. It’s A Lot. He writes about his suffering, wanting to make something of his mistakes and his sins and actually WANTING TO LIVE. But it’s so sad that in the end he still feels really helpless – the subtle changes between “I want to become the stars that fill the silence” vs “I can’t become the stars that fill the silence”. But I think that on some level he knows what the next step is. He wishes in the last two lines, “If only I could share my grief that can’t be put to words / If only I could face reality and live accepting my crippling despair”. THAT’S THE FIRST STEP!!!! THAT’S A STEP!!!! TO HEALING!!!! “These bleak thoughts are my sacrifice that will one day begin to thaw into a selfless, smiling heart” – this line is fucking LOADED. Like, he sacrifices his bleak thoughts by expressing them and by making art out of his pain in hopes that he will be able to acknowledge and accept his suffering and his pain as a means to heal, as a way of allowing him to have a selfless and smiling heart. Like, this is SO much of what his art is about and what it has been for SUCH a long time it makes me so emotional that this is what he’s saying about his own lyrics.” I realise too that the goddess is likely the same goddess from Blemish. I’m still unsure what to make of it because Blemish ends in Ruki writing he doesn’t wants to be reborn, and not abandoned. But here he ends with wanting to heal. Wanting to move on and live.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO UNDYING.

“WHEN HE BROUGHT BACK “SLEEP, COUNT ME DOWN AGAIN” >>> God, this song is so powerful. THERE ARE SO MANY CALL-BACKS TO DOGMA. I SHOULD’VE KNOWN THIS BUT STILL. BITCH WHAT THE FUCK. It’s a direct continuation of Ominous (“I won’t arise from this”). I think in this song he’s becoming that figure that is flying in Ominous, and the one that is surrounded by nightmares and shadows – the first verses are about how the future is drenched in misfortune yet we must continue to live (and suffer, but WE CAN AT LEAST BE A BIT HOPEFUL). Ruki says this YET HE IS STILL DREAMING, EVEN AS THE END COMES (“My heart starts to disappear along with the spirit of my words / And though it knew the end was near / It dreamt of things it shouldn’t want / And even now I am still—“). There’s also his mentions of sins again that he continues to drown in :( But overall, this song is really about living despite all the pain, which is really meaningful after Dogma ended on such a note of hopelessness. There’s so much power in this song.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“Vacant doesn’t necessarily sound like a romantic relationship breaking down as much as it is about making a mistake and being unable to fix it between you and someone else (or other people), even if Ruki said he wrote it with a band’s image in mind. But the gist is is that there is yet again a struggle within the self (“Self-condemnation distorts the answer / And I lose sight of what I should be / Because of those unconscious actions / I can’t even dream”). The line “In the pain of not being able to tie back the undone thread / The traces left by stopping time keep piling up” really got to me – being stuck in time and constantly wishing for something that was and being hurt by the fact it’s gone is something I personally relate to. But even as the narrator is stuck in time, their grip on the past is loosening – they are forgetting, memories fade, and they lose their strength (“Vacant, you are withering”).” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Faling) ““Together, embracing the same pain: it’s only temporary / Don’t forget that this is not the end / So come on, let’s open our eyes and fall / We just believe in ourselves to die / Sometimes it’s okay to be broken” THIS MEANS SO FUCKING MUCH AFTER THE AMOUNT OF TIMES RUKI ENDED DOGMA SONGS WITH HOPELESSNESS AND AT BEST “WE HAVE TO KEEP LIVING AND SUFFERING AND BEING IN PAIN” BUT IN FALLING, PAIN IS TEMPORARY. PAIN IS TEMPORARY. WE WILL HEAL, BITCH. WE WILL GET BETTER, BITCH.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

Can’t find my notes bc it’s somewhere else in my Tumblr drafts but basically: I consider Mortal, Utsusemi and Sono Kore wa Moroku like a Depression Trilogy™ in Ninth. Mortal is about depression, loneliness and loss but like, tying it to a singular person or event in which the narrator felt grief. Utsusemi is about loneliness and depression as well, AND RUKI USES THE CICADA SHELL METAPHOR, WHICH IS THE SAME AS CRUCIFY SORROW (ALSO ABOUT DEPRESSION, BUT SOMEONE ELSE’S). But then, Sono Koe wa Moroku is THE turning point and where he first mentions (in this album) and actual DESIRE to heal and like, ON HIS OWN. IT’S ABOUT BEING STRONG FOR HIMSELF AND THAT MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL. And as I mentioned before, Falling also ends on a hopeful note about sadness not lasting forever – it’s like he’s prefacing the album with the fact sadness IS temporary and that there IS a turning point.

“Babylon’s Taboo is interesting…so apparently Babylon is a figure of western imperialism and capitalism in the Rastafari movement (an afro-centric anti-capitalist and anti-imperialist movement from Jamaica). The narrator is COMPLETELY aware of the oppression and injustice that goes on around him but confesses to doing nothing. I interpreted this as complacency to violence, which Ruki has written about before. Also, he describes a starry sky (which I presume represents wealth and happiness) as a lie, and that they are actually black eyes that watch and look down upon you. In the context of anti-capitalism, my interpretation is that the ‘guaranteed fate’ he writes about is the life-long struggle to attain wealth and happiness – we are doomed to dedicate our lives to this, futilely, to no end. and there’s nothing we can do about it. Another line that stood out to me most is “all I need is sanity but uncertainty will do”. this, along with the rest of the song, implies that the narrator is PRETTY DAMN SURE that we’re all fucked so like....HAHA COOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Two of a Kind) Okay so…another motif I noticed in this album is an I and a You. And I know this sounds weird considering almost EVERY SINGLE GAZETTE SONG uses first and second pronouns, but mental health is SUCH a prominent, overarching theme in a way no album concept has been before, hence why I’m saying this. Two of a Kind is really solidifying this for me, but they appear in almost every song (but the You is known as ‘she’ in The Mortal). This pair are connected in an extremely emotionally intimate way. For one, they share pain and understand each other’s pain. Secondly, the narrator falls into depression after they’re gone. A part of me thinks it could be a past self and a current self, considering Ruki’s said this album involved the Most introspection from him and Falling writes about sins and past mistakes again. So, it could be a way of separating a past and current self – a past self that was perhaps lost, and made mistakes, but ultimately creates his current self.

But it could also be another person, as this You figure is also a source of light – someone Ruki shares his wounds with, in Two of a Kind. If it’s another person, it may also make sense that the depression and loneliness written about in The Mortal and Utsusemi is triggered by someone extremely close leaving him. Either way, it is this understanding and connection between the I and the You that also bring hope for the future and I REALLY love the way that hope is conveyed in the chorus of Two of a Kind. There’s so much light in it compared to the parts of the song where ruki calls himself filthy and ugly, and when he writes about negative feelings that never go away and bleed into this other person. but i think this other person understands it, and that’s why he can move on.

“Abhor God is a REALLY dark and heavy take on MOVING FORWARD. Like there’s so much rage in the way he writes about killing his lust, pride and anxiety and stringing up his nightmares in a noose, yet so much power in how he moves forward and sings victory with his music and his art. This is likely connected to Ninth Odd Smell and Uragiru Bero - where he writes about the band’s history and his imposter syndrome as an artist despite the band never going to die just because of that. He contrasts ‘too fast to live’ and ‘too young to die’ like, he’s really in a sort of purgatory where he’s constantly making too many mistakes to be happy but has too much to do for him to give up. So it’s here that he chooses to keep going no matter how weak the beat is. Imagery-wise this feels like.....continuing to live not because you have happiness to look forward to but just out of sheer willpower. Like it’s just so angry. Angry at the world, at yourself, but carrying that anger to try to be better and move forward.”

“And Unfinished is about the fans being his reasons to live and IT MAKES ME VERY EMOTIONAL THAT THIS IS HOW THE ALBUM ENDS!!!!!!! WITH HOPE!!!!! AND MOVING FORWARD!!!!! THEY LITERALLY ENDED THEIR ALBUM THAT’S ABOUT THEM ‘MAKING THEIR MARK ON THEIR WORLD’ WITH LIGHT AND HOPE AFTER LIKE TWO STRAIGHT ALBUMS OF /DEPRESSION/. EVERYBODY GO HOME WE LOVE HEALING IN THIS HOUSE.”

AND THAT’S THE END FOLKS!!!! if you made it here thank you so much for reading my ramblings and i appreciate u so so much <3 i hope you learned something new about the gazette’s music (i sure did - it’s why i went on this marathon in the first place!!) and again i have a list of posts i might write (which will definitely be shorter than these) so! yeah! anyway!! it’s past 11pm and i have no more brain cells. thanks again love ya have a good day/night <3 <3

#the gazette #gazetto #ruki #uruha #aoi #reita #the gazette kai #kai #the gazette ruki #the gazette uruha #the gazette aoi #the gazette reita #why am i tagging this #anyway i just want to say #i tried to stream bts' new song while putting this together #but i physically COULD NOT #the dissonance was too much #anw i love dynamite it's such a great serotonin boost haha <3

[firebirdsdaughter]

Random Writing Tidbit… Maybe?…

… Okay, so I know I was musing about a vampire/Castlevania AU before, but that was just me puttering around in my brain, but then @thornstone8773​ made this post and my brain was like ‘ah, yes, thoughts…’

Anyway, that weird intro aside, I wrote a thing.

I don’t know if this is a preview or what, bc I’m mostly in a writing rut atm so… I dunno. Hopefully I’ll find some more inspiration somewhere. ^^;

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Jin.”

The voice sounded familiar, but also very far away. His throat felt like it was filled with sand, and there was a buzzing in all of his senses, prickly like needles and thick like wool, crawling into his ears, eyes, even up his nose and seeping into his skin. He felt so… Dried up, like he was shrivelling away into dust, swallowed up by the buzz.

He’d tried, he’d really tried. But there was just something about humans that made him so… Uncomfortable. He knew it was possible to feed without killing the person, but he couldn’t even get to the biting. Every time he got close… He’d start thinking of his mother.

But not feeding… Like a full vampire, he couldn’t die from thirst, and his human half did mean it took much longer before he descended into a frenzy… But it had been so long he was right on the brink.

“Jin.”

A hand came grabbed his arm, dragging him up and propping him against someone’s side. He tried to struggle, but was still in the stages of withdrawal where he was too weak to move properly. The arm wrapped around his shoulders, the hand moving to the back of his head, holding it gently and lightly bending it forward.

Then there was something in front of his face, something that smelled good, so good. His eyes cracked open to find a wrist there, already with blood on it, and the faint, crescent-shape of another bite. The blood smelled amazing, but at the same time… Slightly different. Off. Almost like it was… Old. Not quite as good as a human’s. But if it wasn’t a human’s…

He didn’t remember biting down, but he distantly heard a soft sound beside him. Once he started drinking, he couldn’t stop, hands flying up to grip the arm and hold it still, hunching over, biting harder. It felt so much better already that he didn’t care how desperate he was acting—but still just inhuman enough that his heart could still bear it.

It seemed like only moments when he felt someone shaking his shoulder. “Kid. That’s enough. Stop.” A bit of a harder shake when he didn’t let up. “Jin. That’s enough.” He tried to ignore it again, but then they were pulling at his collar, and, “Jin, that’s enough, he can’t take any more!” With the buzzing gone from his ears, he couldn’t pretend to not know the voice.

He let them pull him away. His fangs came out messily, tearing the bite—but not as much as it would have with a human. His senses began to return to normal, the intense focus of feeding fading away, and the enveloping cloud of thirst dissipated. Sighing deeply, he found himself enjoying clarity for the first time in… He had no idea how long.

Then the person beside him slumped sharply against his side, stirring him out of the moment and making him look—and what he saw made him freeze.

His father was collapsed against his shoulder, eyes half closed, trembling slightly—and it was Horobi’s arm he was still clutching with both hands. With a yelp, he dropped his father’s wrist, and almost jerked away—until he realised that if he did, Horobi would hit the ground. In a panicked rush, he twisted back around, wrapping his arms around his father’s shoulders to hold him up.

The hand on his collar released, its owner hurrying around to Horobi’s other side—and, like the voice had indicated, it was Ikazuchi, one of his father’s two right hands. The other vampire took a moment to pick up and wrap a scarf around Horobi’s bloodied wrist tightly, making certain it was secure. Once that was done, he paused to check the older vampire’s face—finding Horobi practically unconscious, he carefully pulled the other arm over his shoulders, glancing over at Jin. “We need to move him.”

Still slightly dazed, head still spinning for a new reason, Jin rushed to do his best to get his father’s other arm over his shoulders, taking care to avoid pressing on the bite, hunching to get on the same height as the much shorter Ikazuchi. Working together, they pulled Horobi up off the floor and slowly stumbled their way over to the large sofa. After some fumbling, they got him comfortably laid out on the cushions, folding his arms over his torso.

Jin hovered by his father’s side, gripping Horobi’s fingers tightly, eyes flicking between the bandage on his father’s wrist and his face, somehow even paler than usual. His shoulders shook slightly, buckling forward, his teeth sinking into his own lip this time. “Horobi… I…”

“It’s not your fault.” He looked up sharply at Ikazuchi, who was standing by the end of the sofa, one hand sitting on the armrest near Horobi’s head, watching the older vampire’s face rather than looking at Jin. “He should have stopped you before this happened.” With a sigh, the hand moved to smooth lightly over Horobi’s hair. “He’s never been very good at taking care of himself.” A pause, and Ikazuchi shot Jin and awkward glance. “Though… I guess you already know that.”

Jin’s eyes drifted back to his father’s face. He did. Painfully so. Day after day. Somehow, though, this… Hurt more.

While it was true that there was no way he could have permanently damaged Horobi, not exactly—vampires couldn’t die of blood loss, or anything like that… He had weakened him severely—his father would be incapacitated for a while, he guessed, vulnerable until he could hunt himself. And… He had hurt Horobi. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t physically lasting. He was never going to be able to forget it.

“You should get some fresh air.” Ikazuchi’s voice snapped him back to reality. “I’ll stay with him.”

“I…” Jin straightened quickly, rubbing the back of his hand across his eyes, worried they might’ve been starting to water, “I’m-”

“Jin.” A hand came down on his shoulder, turning him to look into Ikazuchi’s firm stare, “Listen to me. If you stay, you’re just going to keep blaming yourself. There’s nothing you can do right now, and you’ve been holed up in here for a while. You need to get out and move around.” The hand on Jin’s shoulder squeezed gently. “I’ll stay with Horobi until he’s recovered enough we can get him back to his room. If necessary, I’ll call Naki.” Half of a half hearted grin. “This isn’t our first time dealing with him overdoing it.” When Jin still hesitated, he sighed. “You’re not like us, kid. Vampires are fine being shut up in dark, dusty places, but you’re half human. You need air. Sunlight—well. Clouds.” Ikazuchi’s hand moved to ruffle his hair gently. “Don’t worry about your father. He’s tougher than most other vampires his age.”

Jin still hesitated, shifting on his feet, glancing anxiously at Horobi. It was true there was nothing he could do, especially not while his father was unconscious, but still… The idea of leaving Horobi felt like it was digging the stake even deeper into his chest.

“The instant he’s feeling better, I’ll send someone to fetch you.” Ikazuchi promised. “Go. I’ll look after him. We can cross the other bridges when everyone’s in good health. Everything is fine.”

Jin waffled for a little longer, but Ikazuchi remained resolute. Finally, he reluctantly conceded to go, though not before he grabbed a blanket off the bed and draped it over his father, tucking it around him. Horobi mumbled his name faintly in his unconscious state as he did, and he nearly broke down crying right there, only just barely remembering to keep it together because Ikazuchi was watching.

In the end, he fled the room as quickly as he could, keeping his head low—partially to hide the tears welling in his eyes and also to avoid Ikazuchi’s grin. It was a little too constant, and gave him the gnawing suspicion that it was fake. Ikazuchi just watched him go, even giving a small wave, but even that didn’t feel particularly reassuring.

Closing the door behind him, Jin couldn’t shake the cloud of dread that only seemed to be getting thicker and thicker—he’d hurt Horobi, and he had a creeping feeling that everything was very far from fine.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I edited it a bot, but I was also very tired, so I’m sorry about typos.

#Blood TW #Firebird Writing #Kamen Rider Zero-One #Kamen Rider Zero One #my precious evil cutie falcon son #my precious evil stoic scorpion dad #vampires #well Jin is half human #but Horobi and Raiden/Ikazuchi are vampires ^^ #Binary Retro Rider

[nnnbells]

some nero pov about - surprise surprise - li, set in the aot dimension. not publishing it on the void bc i have pledged never to write anything from nero’s pov.

wrote this probably last year? kasi it was last edited on feb 2020

Nero wakes with a jolt, sweat damp on his forehead. His heart is hammering in his chest, and when he closes his eyes against the sunlight blasting in through his window, he remembers just a glimpse of sharp eyes and dark, unruly hair, before the image disappears. Nero grinds his teeth together in frustration. 

That dream – that boy – again. 

Most times, the dream would be dark; bleak. Nero would struggle to peer past heavy rainfall, and not too far from him would stand the boy. He stood proud, like nothing could ever cowe him, and when Nero would call his name, he would turn; fix intense eyes on him. 

The ginger hates that dream. He could taste it; taste the boy's name on his tongue, but when morning came – and it always did, and would – it would be ash in his mouth. He would spend long moments laying still, trying to force the boy's name from his mouth as if muscle alone would remember a boy he's never seen before. 

Sometimes, the dream would be loud. Loud, like the world ending, like fear seizing Nero's heart. The boy, with teeth bared, alone and desperate. In those dreams, Nero would be running – or soaring; he could never really remember – quick, but never quick enough to reach the boy before he would wake with a shout and a hand outstretched. Sometimes, the dream would be a nightmare. 

Less often, the dream would be still; peaceful like Nero's never felt before. The boy, on his back, eyes closed in slumber. It almost feels voyeuristic, the way Nero knows intimately how many seconds pass in between each of the boy's breaths by the rise and fall of his chest, but the knowledge that he is trusted with this information calms Nero. 

Rarely, the dream would be bright. Too bright; in an intensity Nero's never before experienced. The boy would have his face turned toward the sky, like he could never have enough. Something akin to hope in his eyes. The wind that would whip at Nero's face in those bright dreams would taste like stolen freedom; a frenzied rush. 

Those dreams had Nero waking with his heart threatening to beat out of his chest; had him waking like he would never wake again. Nero knows where he would chase that dream; chase the free winds and bright sky and hopeful eyes. 

Nero will join the Survey Corps.

*

Years pass; quicker than Nero ever would have imagined. 

It's not long before Nero becomes an integral part of the Corps. He climbs his way up to the vanguard; is revered as one of humanity's best. Is lauded for surviving as long as he has.

Years pass, and he meets people; people who stand by him and fight alongside him and die before him. Nero never follows. He watches people die; watches them scream and cry before disappearing from the world altogether, but he does not follow. He has someone to find.

The boy in his dreams is younger than Nero remembers when Nero finally finds him. Finally, because he never doubted, not once, that he would find him; the boy with dark hair and even darker eyes. 

But when he does, when Nero does find him, the boy stands prouder than ever, the set of his shoulders determined and eyes just as sharp as Nero remembers from his dreams. When Nero does find him, the boy does not find him back.

He stands, stares with blank eyes; the valedictorian candidate of batch 103rd of the southern training regiment, at Nero; a senior soldier of the Survey Corps.

He is a boy. 

*

Still, he is found. 

Still, Nero remembers. 

So, he takes him under his wing; the moment the boy dedicates his life, his heart, to their cause – or to the commander's lofty words, Nero is not sure – Nero knows in his heart the boy belongs to him. So, Nero comes to him, talks to him, trains him, like any good senior officer would do.

But the boy – Li, he says his name is. Nero doesn't find it unusual like the rest of them, this foreign name; it feels like he's been speaking the name for the entirety of his life and all of his past ones. 

The boy doesn't need much training. No, he takes to the sky like a bird of prey. He rides the wind like he was born to fly, and Nero watches him soar, rise higher than all the rest of them; watches him learn what it's like to be free. 

Watches the hope begin to colour those obsidian eyes of his. 

*

The boy's first expedition goes awry. 

They place him near the formation's centre, because no matter how much mastery he possesses over the manoeuvre gear he is still green, so they place him near the centre, much too far from Nero's place in the vanguard. 

They place him in the centre, so when an aberrant suddenly comes barreling through the village they'd been passing through; when it stomps right through the left vanguard and leaves most of them unmounted or dead, the boy jumps to action to prevent it from getting to the right vanguard. 

And Nero watches, from his place in the rightmost of the vanguard, he watches Li weave through buildings and zoom past flailing limbs, alone. He watches his boy, his newly recruited, inexperienced boy, take on an aberrant by himself. 

Nero doesn't think his horse has ever run faster in its entire career in the Survey Corps. He pulls a hard left, breaking formation and ignoring shouts and warnings from the rest; he can't hear anything besides the indignant sounds coming from the titan's mouth as it swings and swipes at the air, trying to catch Li like a particularly pesky fly —

And it does catch him, it finally does catch Nero's boy, grabbing him in its filthy hand, something like joy in its expressionless eyes. “Li!” 

The longest seconds of Nero's life come as he races toward them, him, and he watches the titan wrench its hand tighter around his boy, watches the sheer outrage on his boy's face, and for one terrifying moment Nero thinks, I won't make it; he's going to die, Li is going to die; I can't save him —

And then a figure zooms past him; then two, then the aberrant is tumbling down, Li still snug in its grasp, and finally Nero is close enough; he jumps off his horse without even assessing the environment, frantically grappling at the nearest building, hurtling fast toward the titan's fist before Li gets accidentally slammed into the nearest roof.

Nero's blades break as he chops off most of the titan's fingers in a spin so quick he thinks he might have broken his wrist, but that's nothing compared to the sheer relief that he feels when he sees, from the corner of his eye, his boy grunting in pain as he falls out of the titan's grip and catches himself on a window ledge.

Nero swings off the house he's landed on, stumbling over to the too-tiny window ledge gracelessly in his haste to reach Li, never stopping to even think as he gathers the younger up in his arms like he'll never let go again, the thrum of the boy's heartbeat loud and quick against Nero's own chest. No, Nero doesn't even register the way the boy goes rigid; all the veteran can think is he's safe I'm here I won't leave him he's alive — “I can't lose you.”

Distantly, Nero hears the familiar sound of twin blades slicing through flesh, a heavy inhuman thump following, but in his ears, the words whispered but somehow loud and clear: “Who are you?” His boy – Li, his Li – is stock-still in his arms, and the cadence of his voice is something Nero's never heard from him before; unsure and anxious, maybe even scared.

I'm yours. I've been looking for you; please find me — “I don't know.” He's been living without any sort of real purpose besides finding his dream; no knowledge of why he's even here, and now that he's found him, found the boy of obsidian, the thought of losing him again scares Nero. It's selfish; childish. 

“Nero! Hey, are you alright?”

Above them, on the roof, lands Hamilton Holt, and the momentary distraction snaps Li into action, wrenching his own arms free of Nero's grasp and pushing him away so hard he would've fallen off the ledge had his reflexes failed him. His wrist screams in pain, and Nero is vacantly reminded of the injury he must have sustained when attacking the aberrant, but the look the boy – his boy – gives him is nothing if not alarmed and – and fearful. More so than when he had first faced down a titan. 

Nero reaches a hand out; Li doesn't deserve to be anything but happy, and if Nero had his way nothing impure would ever touch him. 

“Stay away from me;” comes the boy's growled words before he jumps off the window ledge and flies back toward the formation. 

There's another thump, then a pair of boots lands in front of Nero, and when he cranes his head upward it's the Holt boy, looking down at him with a mix of confusion and pity in his face. He reaches a hand out. “Let's go.”

When Nero doesn't move the hulking blond hauls him up forcibly, turning him around and pushing him off the ledge, and it's only reflex that gets Nero safely on the ground, next to his horse that whinnies softly as if telling him it's time to go. 

He's numb and silent as he clambers back on top of his horse, and when he takes his place back in the formation, he trots past the young noble Kabra, who's looking at him with an odd, almost comtemplative look in his eyes before he forges on ahead tailed by the Holt boy.

*

When the Kabra boy becomes squad leader mere weeks later, he handpicks Nero, Li, and of course his two dogs, the giant blond and the brown puppy, as his squad members. 

*

Nero's new squad leader handcrafts team exercises especially for them; drills and practices that have the team weaving together in the sky, slashing down imaginary opponents with beautifully choreographed manoeuvres that wow the rest of the Corps and leave them wishing they'd been picked for the Kabra squad instead. 

By the end of each day Nero feels more and more exhausted, sharper, and faster. With his new squad, he thinks out on the field, he could be invincible. 

In his new squad, he thinks he's just glad Li is part of it too. The Kabra boy won't let anything happen to the Underground prodigy, he knows. 

*

Under their new squad leader, Nero watches Li grow. His skills reach a height soldiers can only dream of, and Nero knows if he had the same years of experience, Li could equal the prowess of Lance Corporal Levi, humanity's strongest. 

Under their new squad leader, Nero watches Li grow into the perfect soldier, shaped by the scheming Kabra through harsh training and subtle manipulations only Nero is keen enough to notice. 

No, only Nero cares enough to notice. He supposes it must be the constant eye he has on Li that brought him notice to the mind games the Kabra plays on the boy. It alarms him, knowing that the Kabra – the Commander prodigy – is trying to create another loyal dog, another flawless soldier so finely attuned to his words. It terrifies him to think of the Kabra completely winning the boy over. 

Nevertheless, Li grows – exponentially – under the Kabra's watchful eye in skill, psyche, and body. The boy from a year ago, the valedictorian of the 103rd Training Corps, had become a steadfast soldier of the Survey Corps, wearing proudly on his back the Wings of Freedom, shoulders broader and eyes sharper, fully a man in every way, and farther from Nero than when he'd first met him. 

*

The next expedition comes only four months after the last one; the 103rd batch recruits' second foray into titan territory. 

The Kabra boy volunteers his squad to be part of the vanguard. 

*

Nero's more than accustomed to being beyond the walls, but he can't deny the palpable tension he feels from the entire regiment, a sort of ironic mix of both nervousness and excitement from the rest of the soldiers. 

He knows why; although not listed officially as one of this mission's objectives, today will be a test run of the meticulously groomed Kabra squad, a bearer of hope for the Survey Corps, long under construction, now ready to be unleashed. 

The Kabra boy – ever ingenious, they say – had suggested a new approach on establishing supply points inside Wall Maria: the carriages, carrying supplies, flanked and fronted by small teams of only the best; a high density of humans tended to attract an even higher number of titans, so a stealthier approach could account for less deaths. 

It's a high risk, high reward situation; but the Commander is not known for being cautious, nor is he known for being sentimental.

He gives the go signal to the little noble's proposal, and places the Kabra squad – fresh recruits and all – in the front vanguard, to lead the first supply cart alongside the Command Centre. 

*

Nero can practically smell the fear from the puppy behind him. No, it's not fear – the boy trusts their squad leader too much to truly be afraid – it's unease. 

Placed at the front of the formation – made up of a single long line of teams spaced far in between – there is nothing to bar titans from reaching their squad with a few meagre steps. No, in fact they are the barrier, the only thing keeping the supply carts and their drivers from certain doom. 

In between their ranks, just slightly behind the young noble who is leading the entire formation, is the Commander of the Survey Corps, flanked by his own men; a meagre number of two soldiers. 

The Kabra squad is the only thing that stands in between death and a failed mission, and the Commander. 

Nero understands the brown boy's unease. Sort of. 

A quick glance to the right shows Nero the way Li grips his horse's reins tightly, an eye keen on the horizon for any incoming danger. He's alert and focused on the objective, just as their young squad leader taught them to be, but the tight set of his eyebrows tell Nero he's also just as nervous as he should be; an inexperienced recruit with less than a year of formal Survey Corps training, tossed into an elite mission for veterans by a madman of a Commander and a scheming witch of a squad leader. 

Nero faces back forward before the boy inevitably catches him looking. There's no need to be scared. He will protect Li; fight tooth and nail for the boy to live, humanity's objectives be damned.

*

They run into their first titan not two hours into the journey. 

Around 5 metres; nothing to worry about, but the 12 metre titan that comes lumbering after it is definitely something to think about.

The Holt boy spots them first, of course, and when he reports it aloud – both to their squad leader, front and centre, and to the Commander – the man on the Commander's right pulls out a flare gun, loads it with a green round. 

Their squad leader pulls back, just enough to ride parallel to the Commander, and Nero watches the young noble exchange words with the other before raising his voice in the unmistakable cadence of an order: “Kabra squad, engage! No rotations.” The Commander's man puts away his flare gun. 

Nero had been expecting it, of course; for the Commander prodigy to show off his well-trained squad like prize horses at the first opportunity. So, as rehearsed, he pulls forward alongside the rest of the Kabra squad, spurring their horses so they can reach the titans long before the rest of the Corps does, the Holt boy calling dibs on the larger one. 

And of course, also as rehearsed and because their rigorous training has allowed them to know intimately the measure of each other's strengths, the boy behind Nero calls out a, “Assisting Nero-san with the 5 metre titan!”

That's settled, then.

He watches Li pull forward, fearless as ever, inevitably gaining the attention of both titans, before he spurs his horse to come up just behind him. There are little to no trees nearby, so he's going to have to get as close as possible before switching to 3D space. 

Li veers a hard right to circle around the smaller titan, and as it turns to look at him Nero takes the opportunity to jump off his horse and shoot a hook somewhere to the titan's side, swinging up and in front to distract it from the younger boy, and in Nero's peripheral he sees Li take to the skies to avoid getting stomped by the bigger titan, its attention appropriately caught now. The Holt boy rides by on his horse, hook catching somewhere at the titan's ankle, and at that point Nero returns his attention to the task at hand. 

Below him, the puppy recruit rides in between the titan's feet, his unease seemingly forgotten in the face of duty – or loyalty to their squad leader, who knows – and he jumps off his horse and does a beautifully elegant turn midair (the boy is a quick learner; he'd picked the manoeuvre up after watching Nero do it a couple of times) before grappling at the distracted titan's shoulder. 

The next few moments come quick and are finalised by two dull thuds, steam blocking Nero's vision, but when he lands safely back on the ground and whistles for his horse his first course of action is to ride out of the fog and swing his head around frantically, looking for the boy in his dreams. 

“Wonderful manoeuvre out there, Li.” 

Their squad leader's thick accent filters in through the haze, and Nero snaps his head toward the approaching party. Li is calmly trotting his horse back toward the formation, welcomed by the young noble's proud smile and flanked by the remaining two members of their squad. 

Nero wills his heart rate to calm down. He knows, rationally, of course, that the boy from the Underground is stronger than probably majority of the Survey Corps; can probably take down a titan all by himself if he wanted. But every second the boy is not within Nero's field of vision is an agonising moment, the irrational fear of losing him to a miscalculation or a distraction too much for Nero to bear. It drives him insane.

It used to be better; back when he'd practically called dibs on the boy, he would demand the younger follow him everywhere under the guise of ‘learning from his mentor.’ He liked to think it was less lonely for the boy, too. He came with a handful of others, the graduates of the 103rd Training Corps who were delusional enough to join the Survey Corps, but the only other recruit he seemed to tolerate was the Kabra's brown puppy. 

Nero learned much from the meagre months they spent glued to each other's hip before the boy's first expedition, and he was confident enough to think that Li trusted him. But he never did explain the reason behind his protectiveness – to the boy or to the other seniors of the Survey Corps – and he supposed it must have seemed strange to an outsider. 

But Nero's breakdown after the boy's near-death encounter during his first expedition had scared him off; now that they were no longer on speaking terms – much less a-metre-near-the-other terms – it's now much harder for Nero to tamp down his possessiveness. Watching the boy's ears turn red with embarrassment from their squad leader's compliment just screams wrong, wrong, wrong, but Nero knows there's nothing he can do about it; nothing he will do about it, because all he ever wants is to see Li safe, and safe is how he is right now, in the Kabra squad.

Nero doesn't need to intervene. 

*

They return from the expedition the next morning with an astounding 80% of the party still remaining; the highest recorded survival rate in a Survey Corps expedition. Of course, it helps that only the veterans had been enlisted for this one. 

Naturally, a party is in order.

The Commander is invited by some rich asshole in Sina to celebrate, and he brings the Kabra boy with him to properly credit the mind behind the new formation (and, Nero supposes, to endorse the future Commander of the Survey Corps in the event that Erwin Smith kicks the bucket prematurely. The Commander likes to think ahead). 

Before their squad leader leaves, Nero watches him place five gold coins in his blond dog's palm, smiling; leaving some instruction, no doubt. And that same evening, said dog comes into the mess hall, puts his fist in the air, and shouts, “Drinks on Ian tonight!”

The resulting cheer is deafening. 

*

Nero is wasted, probably. He can't see much past his own nose, and each step he takes he swears he feels the ground shaking.

So, yes: he's probably wasted.

He can't remember how much he's had to drink, but he does remember chugging down each frothing mug they place in his hand. So, yes: he's probably drunk too much. 

He steps outside the tavern for a little air – it's much too loud, now; and a congregation of drunk soldiers is always a headache – and peers at a familiar figure sitting on the porch steps, facing the empty midnight street. He smiles a little giddily when he realises who it is. 

He plops down rather gracelessly next to Li, almost tipping over in his drunkenness, but the man – boy, who cares? – doesn't even flinch. 

The stars above them remind him faintly of something, but now he can't remember. Nero can't remember much of anything. He wants to go to bed. 

“I first met you in a dream I had when I was young.”

Nero doesn't even notice he's talking until he realises it's his own voice he's hearing. He makes no effort to stop; it doesn't matter anyway, does it?

“You were frightened. Afraid of something I couldn't see. And that made me afraid too. When I woke up I wondered to myself: what's happened to that boy?”

He hears Li shift, and a quick glance to the right reveals the younger man had turned his body slightly in his direction. The Underground prodigy had never been one to hide his motives; now Nero supposes he's curious. 

“When I woke up, I said to myself; I'm going to make sure that boy is safe. No matter what.”

A loud bark of laughter surprises himself more than it surprises Li, but when he shifts to look Li in the face, he finds that the younger man is already looking at him, something akin to wonder in his eyes. It's been a while since Nero's been able to look at those obsidian eyes. He hates that he can somehow see his reflection in them.

“But you don't need saving, do you? I finally find you, and you're the strongest soldier in your entire generation, probably even the next ten. Figures.”

Nero finds his eyes fluttering shut. He's so sleepy. And when in hell did it get so cold?

“I don't know why I'm here. I don't even know why I'm still alive; dozens of expeditions and not one lucky titan manages to off me. I just know…”

He closes his eyes, leans his head against the handrail beside him. Li has gone so silent. Nero wonders if he's still here, or just up and left sometime during his drunken rambling.

“I just know that I'm glad you're finally safe. That's enough.”

*

Nero lingers between a pleasant unconsciousness and bleary awareness as he feels his back hit a particularly unpleasant mattress. 

There's some murmuring about, and Nero's too sleepy to properly wake up and tell everyone to shut up, but he's about to try anyway, propping himself up on an elbow before his eyes even open, until he hears a harsh, “Quiet!” in a voice that's unmistakable.  

The muttering stops, and then an even more unmistakable hand pushes him back down on his back, a momentary pause before pushing ginger strands off his sweaty forehead. Nero keeps his eyes closed; memorises the feeling of calloused fingers almost tenderly wiping the sweat off his brow. 

He feels the warmth of a blanket cover him, and he lets himself drift back off to sleep, a smile threatening to overtake his features. 

*

Morning finds Nero vomiting on a recruit's bed. 

There's another recruit sitting across from him, watching him with a mix of a grimace and dutiful respect on his face, and Nero manages to weakly smile back, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand. “Sorry 'bout that.”

He's in the newest recruits' barracks, the 103rd kids, and most of them are gone. The boy across from him, sitting on another bed, is not in uniform. It's probably a day off.

The boy eyes the puddle of mashed up dinner on Nero's blanket with barely concealed disgust. “Li will kill you for that. Uh, sir.”

Nero looks up so quick his head feels like it's flying straight off his shoulders. “This Li's bed?” The recruit nods. 

Nero nods back, slowly this time to avoid dislodging his head – it may not contain much but he's still rather fond of it – and moves to get up, narrowly missing hitting his forehead on the ceiling of the bunk bed on top of his – or Li's – squeezing his eyes shut when he's finally upright to give the nausea time to fuck off. 

When he feels he can walk properly without tripping on air he gives a tight smile and short nod to the young boy. “Best you clean it up then; wouldn't want Li to be on your ass about it, hm?”

He leaves just quick enough to avoid seeing the boy's hasty salute.

*

“You couldn't have thrown up on another person's bed?”

Nero looks up from where he's tinkering with his gear, setting it down and narrowing his eyes at Li. The boy is in his uniform polo; he probably still hasn't bought any personal garments for himself yet (he'd discarded of the two shirts he'd owned in the Underground when he came here; had said they reeked of blood and grime). 

“You couldn't have put me on my own bed?”

Li shrugs, “Your bunkmates were noisy.” Nero wonders why now, Li cannot even look at his face, when all this time that Nero had stayed away from him he'd looked upon the ginger with such disdain in his eyes.

Nero goes back to cleaning his gear.

“You weren't drunk.”

It's not a question, but nevertheless Nero hears Li asking for affirmation. He snorts. “I think I had like a barrel worth of booze. I'm not a lightweight, but I'm not exactly Hamilton Holt either. So, yes: I was drunk.”

“Is that the excuse you're going with?”

Nero puts down his gear with a decisive clunk, and faces Li, who finally seems to have found the courage to look him in the eye. He looks... defiant, but in a way, hopeful. Nero wonders what he's hoping for. “What do you want?”

The blunt question seems to off-balance Li. He blinks, steels his glare; “I want — ” He cuts himself off, shifts on his feet. “I – I want…” Nero has never seen the Underground prodigy so nervous. He supposes he's never seen a lot of things.

Nevertheless, he somehow finds it in himself to pity the poor boy, and softens a bit. “Take a seat if you want.” The workshop is empty; they are two of the few unlucky soldiers without family or lovers to come home to.

Li shakes his head, resolute, and hesitates again. “I… was it – was it true?” 

Nero stops. Blinks, and returns his gaze to Li. “You think I'd lie to you?” He may have been drunk enough not to find his way back to his own barracks, but he certainly wasn't drunk enough not to remember all he'd said.

The younger man looks to the floor, mutters a soft yet sure, “No.”

*

A soldier comes flying into Nero's path, and it's only years of experience and extreme skill that propel him to abort his own flight and swing himself the opposite direction of where he was originally going, the speed and force of the manoeuvre so sudden that Nero's ribs hurt in protest. 

Distantly, he listens to the pained grunt of a soldier as he slams against a nearby tree. He lands gracefully next to said soldier, who kneels against said tree, clutching his stomach. 

“I could hear you coming ten miles away, you know.” He tells Li, not bothering to offer a hand up because he wouldn't take it anyway.

Li huffs out an almost sarcastic “Did you?” (almost sarcastic, because Li is physically incapable of ever expressing any emotion other than disdain or anger) before getting up, still grimacing. He turns to Nero, and the older man almost laughs at the sight of Li physically forcing a more neutral expression on his face (almost laughs, because if he had he has no doubt he would have a fist to his jaw within a second). “Tell me how to be better, then.”

Nero blinks. “Huh?”

Li's facade falls, and he looks shy suddenly. Nero remembers the day at the workshop. “You're my mentor after all, aren't you?”

Nero must catch flies from how long he stands there with his mouth hanging open, but when he finally rights himself, he sees pink slowly tinging the younger man's ears, although he adamantly stares at Nero, waiting for his reply. Nero smiles. 

He is found. 

#nyx writes