#kinda already feel like I’ve traumatized myself enough | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tcookies777 · 2 years

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“Why should the establishment of a relationship always have to be the end of the story when it's literally the beginning of something new?” THANK YOU! I was thinking the same thing. A lot of fics always end with the establishment of a romantic relationship between a ship. Often times, it’s doesn’t feel like it’s worth it or a reward after reading all of the angst and drama etc. I was kinda getting worried with TAOL because there was a chapter where Kakashi has sex with another random character and it was so detailed that I skipped reading it. I got worried with that because I thought it was gonna be one of those fics where we would read the ships’ romantic escapades or sex scenes with other characters and then the pay off would only be the ship ending the story with a kiss. That doesn’t feel right to me. Like what the actual fuck??? What kind of “reward” is that after reading all that angst and drama? Like I am here for the ship. I’m not here to read their other romantic escapades. I felt like I wasted my time. I felt like I suffered through an emotional roller coaster and I don’t ever want to read fics like that ever again. This is why I steered off from reading angsty fics and just read fluff. It’s an understatement when I say I was left traumatized lol. So thank you for TAOL. Because it’s honestly kind of a rare fanfic among other Kakasaku fanfics, especially with the how it is structured and your assurance that they won’t wait until the end of the story to get together. I’ve been craving for fics like this for Kakasaku and there’s hardly anything like it. So thank you!

Oh definitely! Like, I waited soooo long to get to the smut and all I get is a kiss and, if I'm lucky, one gratuitous fuck? Hell nah, give me a whole bangfest at least. I think a lot of writers are just worried that they'll lose most or all of their audience when they draw out the story past the typical happy ever after. Most of the time with romantic stories - at least from what I've seen - what keeps the audience interested is seeing how the characters get together. I mean, we all know they do get together, but the journey is what we're in for. I think writers are worried that once that journey comes to an end, readers will get bored with what comes after. There's nothing keeping them on the edge of their seat anymore.

But that's not true, is it? I mean, look at Tangled. The film ended with Rapunzel and Eugene getting together BUT then we got that animated show that gave us a whole new journey of their relationship. Personally, I haven't seen the show myself but the point is that you can indeed write more story even after the establishment of the relationship. In fact, why not write a story that challenges the couple's love?

Yes, your fic will be longer because you have to find a new kind of conflict to push the story forward and grow the characters more. And yes, it's definitely more work and I think that's also why many writers are deterred from it because once you give your audience the happy ending that they expect/want then you're not very tempted to spend more time giving them a second dessert when they've already been sated with the first dessert. At least, I think that's what many writers assume (that, and their daunted by thought of writing a larger fic).

On the other hand, from what I've heard from the general fanfic community is that readers typically get bored when there's too much smut with hardly any story. I've seen one reader (not any of mine) once say something along the lines of "I hate when love interests officially get together and the rest of the story is pretty much just them banging in every position the writer wants just to fulfill their own sex fantasies".

So ultimately, writers don't want to put in the extra work for a dessert that not everyone may be interested in staying long enough to eat. Serving too many variations of chocolate cake will eventually put off people and, in the case of smut, it's hard to find a good balance of how much to give when the main conflict is already resolved and the love interests are officially together. Otherwise it turns into a Porn without Plot, which not everyone is into. So that's why I had to figure out how to write a story where the love interests get together in the beginning rather than the end; that way they have plenty of chapters to have sex throughout the story lol.

As for the sex scene between Kakashi and... let's call her X because I forgot her name lol, the original draft didn't have the sex scene detailed at all. But while writing the scene, I realized I couldn't effectively convey the point I was trying to make with that scene without going into detail. Because at the start of the story, it's easy for readers to assume that Kakashi's attraction to Sakura is only sexual - which is not a good look for him and certainly not my intention. So the sex scene between him and X is his way of trying to forget about Sakura, thinking that sex with a beautiful woman who's exactly his type would help him with that. But the detailed description of the sex scene proves that he wants Sakura and only Sakura - because his attraction for her runs far deeper than just sex. I could only convey that through the details of moments like X stroking Kakashi to erection and Kakashi imagining it was Sakura's hand wrapped around him, or Kakashi fucking the girl and fantasizing her as Sakura. The details were needed to portray the parallels, but otherwise I don't normally write detailed sex scenes with side characters unless it serves a thematic purpose.

As an aside though, I have a sneaking suspicion that a few readers are starting to think that the fic is almost complete. That's understandable since many fics end their chapter count somewhere in the 20s, some in the 30s, and a few 40+. But this story is nowhere near completion! As I state in the A/N at the very beginning of Chapter 1, this story is a longfic and broken into 4 ACTs much like a Shakespeare play. We are still in ACT 1 which focuses on how Kakashi and Sakura get together, and that's not so straightforward as just confessing feelings and becoming boyfriend/girlfriend with a kiss. Because their love is forbidden in almost every way possible, it's a very bumpy road, especially for Kakashi who knows it'd be absolutely immoral for him as a teacher and an older man to reciprocate Sakura's feelings, If he was a good guy, in reality we would want such a teacher to reject his student and move on, which is what Kakashi tried to do with X. But since that failed, now we have to see what he'll do next!

#cookie answers #a cookie for me #taol

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keefwho · 1 year

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November 22 - 2022

8:29 AM

I’m eager to find more things to DO that are unique and engaging. Like fanfic reading streams or maybe some kind of event hosting group. Anything that isn’t me doing the same things alone in my room. There isn’t much to do in real life around where I am so I’m stuck with online connections but it should be enough to me. Maybe I could find things kind of naturally if I just put myself out there more like I used to. I used to advertise everything I did somewhere so I could fit into the right spaces but for awhile I’ve been keeping to myself. A good example would be my avatar work. Basically no one knows I even do it aside from friends and some shygal enthusiasts.

I guess I already have some things to do, like work on my VR world or learn how to play guitar. If I do the VR world right, it should be a very social experience. Maybe I could get more people then I think to want a statue in the world. Maybe it could actually become a place people wanna hang out or put their art. It would be neat to maintain a world like that.

The guitar thing would probably be a solo activity but very interesting to learn. I’d like to be able to play the songs I like just for fun.

10:20 AM

Tummy is still fucky and it’s actually a little weird but no cause for alarm yet. My main concern is getting work done because I’d much rather let my body relax and heal. I am still a day ahead so I could do it but then I wouldn’t be a day ahead anymore. I figure I’ll try my best to get things done. It shouldn’t be too bad today. And hopefully I’ll feel better in a bit anyways.

Unlike in the past, I try to deal with it and get cozy until it’s over instead of worrying about it getting worse and desperately trying to feel better. I accept I kinda feel like shit right now because I know it’ll go away and I’ll feel better eventually. Its a good excuse to shake myself of unneeded obligations and really cozy up.

12:35 PM

I hate to do it but I’m taking a break today. I just physically need the rest. I don’t know why my tummy is acting like this right now but it’s annoying. Maybe I should start tracking these events so if I end up seeing a specialist, I’ll have something to give them. Might also help for my own knowledge too.

1:13 PM

This fucking sucks. I cant even consider much happening to even be “abnormal”, Its just making me feel BAD. I want it to stop. Maybe I ate something off??? But what could it have been? Everything I’ve eaten has a very very low chance of being spoiled. Its also been gentle foods. Why the fuck is my body reacting like this? I guess it could be the cheese I ate but I never expect it to get THIS bad.

11:41 PM

My stomach started feeling better around 5pm. I even felt genuinely hungry which is uncommon. I mean wholesome, tummy rumbling hungry. I ate a can of beanie weenies and some french fries. The beans were weird to me, they were way more bland than I remember which was kind of weirding me out. But is exactly the kind of thing I need to stop. I’ve made the conscious effort to not overthink this. The can was fine, the smell and texture were fine. My taste buds were probably just thrown off by the salty fries, especially considering the first bite didn’t taste weird to me. I guess I’m still overthinking it but the goal is to accept the truth and move on. I don’t want to stress over dumb shit like this.

12:44 AM

Minor traumatic memory time. I remember age 5 when I was in a North Carolina courthouse while my parents were fighting for custody over me. I remember being largely alone for it, I was sitting outside the room they were doing it in. I remember it was high up and I would look out the window. My memory paints it as much higher than it probably was. I remember it like a skyscraper but realistically it might have been a 3rd or 4th floor. I remember looking at the brick ledge outside the window wishing I could be a bug out there, seemingly unreachable by anything else. Who would bother an insect tucked away in some bricks on the side of a wall so high up?

I remember wanting to be put with my dad which wouldn’t have been a good thing but I didn’t know that because I was a kid. I felt so helpless because I was told by him that all I had to do was go into the room and say I wanted to be with him but I was far too afraid. I know now it probably wouldn’t have done much considering the horrible case my father had, but my child mind made me think I was failing him and myself. I feel such sorrow at this memory and wonder how it might have shaped me as a person. I think when memories have such an important nostalgic feeling, it must mean they played a very big part in my mental development. I figure that the reason they still feel so strongly is because I still feel that way today about a lot of things. I still feel like I fail myself and others because of my fear of doing things that need to be done. I also feel like it won’t matter in the end since everything is outside of my control so why should I try anyways?

Logically I know what’s in my control and what I should be doing to improve myself so there’s no real problem here. Just me talking to myself really. I just had this memory again and wanted to break it down a little.

I still wish I could be that bug sometimes. Maybe with a friend there though. A couple little bugs high up someplace where no one will bother them.

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moidse · 1 year

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My brain is so broken.

Might I’m doing the thing where I feel super alone and like I have no friends and I always reflect on how I’ve felt like this since like middle schools or junior high age…

I just have a deep seated issue of feeling like no friend actually likes me and so when anyone gives me the slightest sign my mind runs with it and goes SEE I told you they didn’t like you.

It sucks idk what to do and I guess I need a therapist. My old bad therapist told me that’s the depression talking which is probably right like I am self aware enough to know this thinking is irrational I just don’t know how to not feel this way and to feel secure in my friendships. I also don’t have many friendships anymore that are close and also not to mention my friend break up definitely left me less secure. I think our friendship helped silence these voices and ever since then it has been stronger cuz I now go back to that friendship and think even my closest friends don’t even like me and I obviously can’t even tell when that’s happening and so I have just been traumatized by that experience.

Like I’ve always felt this way but I feel so much better when I have at least one close friend that I feel comfortable texting whenever and just talking to about whatever and knowing I’m not being judged. I thought I had a friendship like that but I don’t know if I ever actually have. I don’t trust ppl and whenever I feel this feeling of ppl not liking me that much it makes me super depressed and in the past I have shut down completely even in social settings.

Probably cuz if I have one person I can help silence those voices or that person can help make me feel secure and reassure me too. But I don’t have that and I don’t have anyone to talk to when I feel like this so like it’s back to venting to a random tumblr like when I was in hs.

I just want to have a close friend and like 3 years ago I was trying a lot harder to be a better friend and to try to like strengthen the friendships that were already existing and I felt like I was bending myself backwards trying to make that happen which sucked and then when that group all agreed they didn’t want to hang out with me cuz I asked them to wear a mask during the height of the pandemic way before vaccines while I was dating someone imonocomoromised .. it really showed me they don’t fuck with me which was depressing and why I didn’t reach out while being home. Also I’ve like never actually liked Frankie it’s just hard to get away from her lol.

It’s just like from the book I read forever ago about attachment styles it was like if you are insecure talk to them and if they are you’re friend they will reassure you and it’s like talk to who?? I don’t have anyone to talk to. No one is close to me and no one wants to be close to me. I guess what happened today was also similar to when I was younger. Like when I hang out with a group and I feel like the lesser liked person I feel very very sad and like I was trying not to do that last night and I think I did do well spending time with both ppl but like. I guess I did feel like they all sat on this couch and v and k were laughing and having their own jokes and me and lainie were but I guess I had more of a moment with v and I haven’t and then he was like idk what you do but I feel like you could do this and idk I just felt like we weren’t good friends and I just am like Kaiya isn’t even from here but has more friends to visit and that is kinda depressing to me. it always makes me feel like dying.

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k3tty-valley · 2 years

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̣̇𐐪INTRODUCTIONෆ

Hello, everyone! My name is Eulalia. I go by she/they/he pronouns. This tumblr will be my own way of documenting my high school journey, specifically around my mental health (at least for now), so basically this tumblr is just my journal.

I’m 15, american. I’m from Texas. I’ve had many mental health issues in the past, but recently they’ve come up again. I feel like this page would be a good outlet for me.

I currently go to a private school for my disabilities, but I will be attending a public school next year for my sophomore year. I’m mainly go for the social aspect since I have no irl friends T-T

This last year and a half have been a rather difficult one for me.

To summarize: I met a girl when I was ten at a Halloween party being thrown by my old school. I’ll call her K. K and me for around a year were the best of friends. We FaceTimed everyday, and we tried to hangout as much as we could even though she had a very busy schedule.

Eventually, I stopped talking to K because she didn’t respect my boundaries; I also felt as if I was becoming a “backup friend” to her.

Fast forward to September of 2020 when I texted K saying I missed her. She texted me back saying she missed me too, and we started talking again. Long story short, K had started smoking weed, doing drugs, drinking, etc. I was desperate for affection and validation, and she become the way I got it. I started smoking weed, doing other varieties of drugs, and while I had already been drinking before even meeting her. I started drinking more heavily because of K’s influence. I was continuously being emotionally abused by her, and it just wasn’t a good situation.

Our friendship was obviously on a ticking time bomb, and soon enough we had a very large, abrupt fight at the beginning of February, 2021. I then broke down to my mother about the whole ordeal, and as anyone would expect, wasn’t allowed to see K anymore. We eventually talked it out a few months later. I apologized, she apologized, but our friendship was obviously never the same. We still chat here and there, and I still deeply care for her of course, but since then there are certain smells, songs, etc. That remind me of her, my time as a user, and all the pain I felt durning our relationship. That’s just how my 2021 started, too ಥ‿ಥ

My grandma, who I never had a very good relationship with, passed away in July of 2021. Then a month later, in august, my (great)uncle passed, and then a month after that, in September, my (great)aunt passed. It almost feels comedic, but I guess deaths happen in 3s.

My grandma’s passing has been in honestly, I guess for a lack of better words, traumatic? Everything kinda just started going more and more downhill since her death. I especially realized how much I regretted our relationship. Throughout later 2021 and this year, my mental health has slowly disintegrated. With my grandmas passing playing a large role in my mental health’s decent.

I pride myself on my grades. They’re where my confidence comes from, and they’re what I have been using as a distraction from my grandmas death. Recently my care for quality work has become less and less due to my worsening mental health. With that has also brought my grades down. It’s not very noticeable as I still get great grades, but I got my worst grade this year last week: an 87.

Yes, yes, yes I know it’s still a “good” grade, but it makes me feel ashamed of myself. I’m used to getting the top grade in my class, but as of late I haven’t.

I feel it’s necessary to try and get/have the best grades in my class because of my past relationship with my mother. My mother suffers a subconscious ideology that the men of the house are better. I was blessed enough to not only have an older brother who is way smarter than me, but to also be the first born daughter. I, no matter how hard I try, will always be second place in my mothers eyes. That’s how it also was with my grandmother.

Before I started getting good grades she was never very good to me. She would force me to clean our house durning the early AMs, would curse me out over very minor things, lie to me, and neglected me. It just wasn’t the best situation as you could imagine.

Blah blah blah, fast forward to now: I’m in Maryland attempting to get into a mental hospital here.

I’ll be posting updates as they come. I don’t expect people to really read anything I post, so I’ll basically just be talking to myself durning the course of this account! I hope it will help me be able to clear my mind more.

If you have read all the way through: thanks ig? Idk I really don’t think anyone will see this but hey, you never know.

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justanisabelakinnie · 2 years

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My First Impressions of the Encanto Characters

EEEEK SHE’S SO PRETTY YES THE LOVE OF MY LIFE SO ELEGANT AND GLAMOROUS I AM IN LOVE!!!! I’VE FINALLY FOUND MY FAVORITE CHARACTER THAT I WILL ATTACH MYSELF TO FOR THE NEXT FORSEEABLE DECADES EEEP!!!

OMG! I LOVE HER EVEN MORE NOW!!! SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!! AND LOOK AT HER FINALLY BEING HERSELF OMG!!!! BEST CHARACTER EVAH!!!

She’s so pretty! And so cute! Who gave her the right to be so cute?! And in a way, I kinda relate to her in a sad way...I understand what it’s like to feel ignored...I’m so happy she got the guy though! And I love her singing voice! And there are Afrolatine characters in this film! Nice!

Aww, our protagonist! I love her already! She seems so cute and nice and awkward in a way that doesn’t feel forced, cringe, or “not like other girls”-y. And I’m glad that she wears glasses, and has curly hair! She’s the protagonist of my dreams, the heroine I’ve been holding out for! She’d better be a Disney Princess or I will SCREAM! She is more than worthy! *looks it up* Oh, she is a Disney Princess?! Cool! Cool beans!

Woah! A woman with super strength! That’s not something you see often! I love it! And I love that she is allowed to be strong while also exhibiting feminine traits as well! I can already tell she’s going to be a fan-favorite of mine, I like this character a lot! Oh, apparently she’s the middle sister? Makes sense.

Umm...how old is he? Twelve? He looks like an amalgamation of every middle school boy I’ve ever come across in...umm...middle school. Let me look it up...*looks it up* Oh...he’s fifteen...old enough to date my sister...I can already tell the fandom is going to use him as an excuse to let their simp flag fly. Oh! He’s Dolores’ brother! I love him!

I like her! She seems so sunny and happy! I like the diversity this movie shows as well, with dark-skinned indigenous Latinas like Isabela, Afrolatinas like Dolores, and white-passing Latinas like Pepa! It’s super cool to see! She’s also a really great singer, I like her accent while singing...I feel so bad for her with her power and her wedding being ruined, though...but at least she got an apology from Bruno! I also love to see her relationship with Felix, it’s so cool to see an interracial relationship with a Black man in it!

Mirabel’s mom! I love her! She seems like a nice, nurturing, and caregiving person. She reminds me of my own mother! I love her gift as well! And her costume design! Why didn’t she get to sing, though?! That’s an act of wickedness.

I like him, too! He’s funny as well, and I like his chemistry with Julieta! And like his daughter, he wears glasses! I find his clumsiness hilarious lol.

I love her as well! Yeah, she wasn’t the greatest grandma, but she tried. I don’t know why people hate her, yes, some of the things she did were wrong, but she apologized...she clearly just wanted what was best for the family. And don’t try to tell me that you wouldn’t be traumatized if a similar thing happened to YOU! Try watching your husband get brutally, bloodily murdered by careless, heartless horsemen in front of you! Exactly! Also, she’s not homophobic, who gave you that nincompoop idea?!

Love him, too! So warm and loving and has the best relationship in the movie! Plus he subverts stereotypes of Black men, so that’s nice! Very handsome as well!

Cute kid! He’s so sweet and kind to Mirabel! Wonder how he’ll cope with hearing his friends slaughter and eat each other though...

Oh hey it’s rat man...yeah I’m not really interested in him the way the fandom is tbh...I don’t get what they see in him...but I do feel bad for him still. I’m happy he’s part of the family! Maybe I’ll love him more when we see more of his relationship with Mirabel and Dolores in a sequel, though, but until then, meh.

BONUS!

The real MVP of the movie y’all...WHAT?! You’re telling me that one of the only dark-skinned Black women of the movie is a background character?! Smh do better Disney, do better.

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probably-haven · 3 years

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I’ve been thinking about Childe a lot recently- because my friends slander him relentlessly and other than one person who kinda semi-likes him I’m the only one who actually likes his character.... and I know I’ve slandered him a fair amount myself but just-

He was a child.

A child - No ‘e’. No puns. No jokes. Not this time.

He was only fourteen.

His story described him as “frightened and hesitant” prior to his time in the abyss. All he wanted was an adventure of his own. To make an adventurer of himself, the likes of which he had heard so many times in the stories of his father. To be like him. He didn’t even go seeking the abyss or any kind of grave danger or incredible power, he was just a naïve little boy, running away from home with almost nothing in chase of a story of his own.

And yet he was fated to fail, and everything went south almost immediately. Lost in the freezing cold forest environments of Snezhnaya, he was completely alone save for the wild animals on his trail. And by an unlucky roll of the dice - or perhaps because in that moment, his desire and drive to survive, to live, to get back to his family, was so strong that even the abyss itself took notice - the world he knew was stripped away.

Scared and vulnerable with only a shortsword for protection, Ajax was torn from what already would have served to be traumatizing enough for the child, and thrust into something immeasurably worse.

Described as “a bottomless crack in the earth’s surface,” “the endless possibilities of another ancient world,” and “the darkest corners of the universe;” the abyss is not a place that ordinary people are meant to survive. Now I could go on about what the abyss may be or who the swordswoman might be or what might have happened to him, but the point is: it doesn’t matter what happened, his trauma is trauma nonetheless and its not in his control nor is it his fault how his brain decided to process it. Regardless, I think “endless possibilities” within the “darkest corners of the universe” speaks well enough for the severity.

Even without this however, it is important to note that for three months of what logically would have driven anyone to or past the brink, he had one consistent point of relative safety in the form of the swordswoman, a person who while training him for destruction, was also deliberately manipulating into him “the ability to stir up endless havoc.”

Placed in an extremely traumatic situation like this and being manipulated by one he would have been forced to see as an anchor of sorts, simultaneously holding him together and molding him into the twisted version of himself that she wanted him to be; Realistically, Childe is more a victim than anything else.

And he returned - still only a fourteen year old child - to his home.

Now an interesting point: based on the wording of his character story, it seems as though when he came out from the abyss, his new demeanor actually unnervingly reflects his hopes when he ran away, implying that the swordswoman very well could have used his own ambition as a cruel mirror to shape him based off, or used them merely as an additional manipulation tactic. “He acted as if this world revolved around him, and as if battle existed for his sake.” Almost as though he were truly the protagonist in an adventure story of his own, just like his father before- or perhaps that’s what he was made to believe.

Regardless, Childe quickly gained a reputation for havoc, chaos, and violence, as it followed him and he spread it wherever he went, just as he had learnt to do during his time in the abyss, constantly seeking that unpredictability, the thrill of combat.

And this continued until he went too far, and in response to this, the father that he admired so greatly sent Ajax away into the strict military environment of the Fatui. The idea was that the highly strict environment of training for the literal military, would “hone his son’s temper.” Not dampen, or control, or reduce in any way, but “hone” - to sharpen it, to refine and perfect it. And he watched “fully-armed troops getting the stuffing beaten out of them by a mere child.“

He was only a child.

Everything he went through in the abyss and all the changes he went through himself, only to be shipped into military by the family who could no longer handle dealing with the effects of what he experienced...

And he was just a kid.

oh but they honed his temper alright. Not only was he entered in this military training like his father had planned originally, but soon after, the young child was selected and placed within the official ranks of the Fatui themselves under the guise of being a punishment.

Told to work his way up the ranks from the bottom, the Fatui “honed” his temper and penchant for combat towards the purpose of serving the Tsaritsa, encouraging these tendencies that would only continue to grow stronger and more apparent with time as a result of their actions, which was exactly their intent. These, psychologically and neurologically, were the key years for his mental development.

And once again the young Ajax found himself the victim of another’s subtle manipulation. Until he was Ajax no more.

Childe has been under the constant task of further proving himself since enlisting in the Fatui, and once he gained the recognition of the Tsaritsa, the only next possible way of doing that was by comparing his skills to others. And thus far, he has exceed in this time and time again, so with the evidence before him his arrogant confidence in his abilities is by no means unreasonable. Nor is his tendency to express friendship and varied other things through combat, it’s only natural after besting others in battle became his main source of acknowledgement throughout his younger years.

He’s fiercely loyal as well, to the point where - were his sense of loyalty not so shrouded in his delusion of what loyalty is meant to be - it would likely border on codependency. He also doesn’t seem to have the greatest understanding of social cues, as expected with his combat-oriented upbringing, and tends to have an unnerving aura to a lot of the things he says that he doesn’t seem aware of.

His loyalty to the Tsaritsa rings true, and seems to be his highest priority above all others, an ideology that, once again has been drilled into him since the age of 14. However, despite this, he is disliked and avoided even by his fellow harbingers, and often kept out of their true plans in a way that clearly shows what low opinions they have of his abilities in certain areas.

And yet, through it all, he still maintains his own set of values and seeks to make genuine connections which people, which while these efforts may be unsuccessful in most cases, and these values far in between - It still firmly shows the strength of his character which, though in fragments, managed to remain as a part of who he is in spite of his circumstance.

And i get that he’s memeable and slanderable and easy for a lot of people to just hate outright, i really do but sometimes it feels like a lot of people only ever see him at surface value and a lot of people dont even know his story and even fewer still actually consider the implications of that background. He was literally a child soldier - that and even more; “endless possibilities” more.

I have nothing against Childe slander, genuinely - but eventually, when it reaches a certain extent...

It’s not bad, I’m just tired.

#genshin impact #genshin childe #genshin analysis #genshin tartaglia #genshin ajax #genshin lore #please- what else can i tag this- i feel like i should have more tags for this one but idk what

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cruecifymesixx · 3 years

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Love and Leather /part eighty nine/

Word Count: 4.9k

A/N: Hi! Enjoy the update!

Warnings:major angst

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*Nikki’s POV*

I sighed heavily through my nostrils, resting my head against the couch as I sucked on a hard piece of watermelon flavored candy. Dr. Peterson left a few very persistent voicemails on my phone as well as pages on my pager, attempting to get me to come to the therapy office. Reluctantly I agreed, but I wish I didn’t as I assumed Vanity would be here too, however she’s not.

“Hey Doc…” I speak lightly when she walks in, sitting directly across from me in the leather chair as she crosses one knee over the other.

“Thank you for coming in Nikki, I’m sure you are a very busy man.” She eyes the handful of empty candy wrappers on the oak coffee table, “It’s new candy, I just put it there today…and looks like I have to add more.” She smiles as she jokes.

“I like the strawberry ones better…and it’s okay, I wasn’t super busy today. Sorry for taking long to get back to you.” I sit up more in the chair as she opens up her folder and takes out the good ‘ol notepad.

“So how’ve you been? Anything new?”

I shake my head, “I’m okay, just been busy. We finally wrapped up the album, then we do some promoting and then we hit the road for tour.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that it’s hectic and time consuming. Have you taken anytime for yourself to relax recently?”

My lips pull into a small grin, “Is this where you poke my brain and tell me I’m putting myself into work too much?”

Crystal chuckles a bit, “Do you think you’re putting too much of yourself into work?”

“It’s my job? I kinda don’t have a choice. Not like anyone else is writing songs, well good ones for that matter.”

She nods, “So you’re the one in charge? excuse my ignorance, I don’t really follow your music. I’m sure that’s stressful having everyone depend on you. Do you deal with stress well?”

I shrugged, “I don’t have to write all the songs, it just happens that way.” I chuckle a bit under my breath, “Too loud for you? I mean, yeah it’s stressful. I used to go out and get high, but then that overtook everything. Now I just work out or take my camera out or write more songs to relax.”

“Just not my cup of tea, Nikki. Have you done any of that recently? Vanity mentioned shopping helps her relax.”

I roll my eyes and laugh, “Anything that revolves around spending money sounds good to her. And no, I haven’t had the time. Stuck at rehearsal with the band and when I’m not at rehearsal I’m hanging out with the band at a bar.” I stare when she writes something down, “Taking notes already?”

She glances at me, “I do it with everyone, you know that. So you only hang out with the guys? The same guys you’re around all day? You never really escape work, do you?”

“Well…I mean no…but I have fun when I’m with them. Tommy and I are like practically married and Mick is fun and John is cool too. I see Tommy constantly cause Van and Clementine are best friends. Sometimes it’s a little much. At times I just want to take a break but I know I can’t because it’s my music and it keeps the nice things flowing and Arianna’s school.” I explain to her, “I mean…I would have enough to take a break for a long time but still…I don’t want too.”

“Tommy, right…Vanitys mentioned him a few times, same with Clementine. But why are you so worried about money? Vanity has money does she not?”

“Yeah…god mother of the year.” I roll my eyes, “Yeah, yeah…Van has plenty of money for her, she’s a great mom. I missed out on a lot the first few years of Arianna’s life so I just want to make up for that.”

“Well…as you know, everything you missed could have been prevented. Kids don’t remember a lot from their childhood anyways, with the exception of a severe traumatic even happening. They usually won’t start remembering moments until the ages of 7 and 8.”

I glare a bit, “I don’t need to be told the same thing I already know. If I had kept my dick in my pants I wouldn’t have missed anything, I know.” I lean forward reaching for another piece of candy and shoving it in my mouth.

“Theres no reason to jump to the defense Nikki. We’re just talking.” I would think she was being condescending if she wasn’t a damn therapist.

“Right-“ I roll my eyes, “Talking? You’re blaming me for it.”

“Well who is to blame them? Vanity? You’d be surprised to know she never wants to talk about this.”

“Wait-no, no. You’re twisting my words. No, it’s not her fault, it’s mine. But still, she could have called or retuned my letter letting me know.” I defend myself as she looks at me.

“Nikki, we can spend all day talking about the things Vanity, should’ve or could’ve done differently. We can talk for hours about how things were suppose to go differently.”

“Then why the hell did you bother me? What could you possibly want to talk about if it’s not that?”

“How are the dates going? Let’s start there.”

I stare at her a moment, rubbing my knees as I take a breath, “I don’t know…Donna, she’s great but she’s just…she’s just not Vanity.” I look away feeling disappointed, not because it wasn’t working, but in myself. That it took me seeing someone else to figure out what I wanted, “Donna’s hot and funny, well tries to be funny. But she hangs on to every word I say, thinks I’m right about everything, doesn’t ever disagree with me…it’s…it’s boring. I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve been with Vanity for so long, that nobody else can compare or what. But I just…it’s not working. Donna’s too clingy anyways.”

“Really?” Crystal sounds surprised, “You were so vocal about seeing other people.”

“Well…I wasn’t excited about it. I did it because I thought thats what Van wanted. I just wanted to help fix us. I would do anything for us, for her.” I sigh as I lean back against the cushion.

“You thought.” She pointed out, “You assumed and didn’t really ask what would have helped, did you?”

“Well…I-“ I stumble over my words before sighing, “No, I didn’t. I just took the first suggestion that was brought up. I wanted to get out of the office before I was ganged up on.”

Crystal chuckles, “Nobody thought about ganging up on you Nikki. You just don’t like when you aren’t in control, that is both of your issues.”

“I don’t have control issues.” I glance at Crystal as she stares at me, “What? I don’t.”

“Yes you do, wether you like to admit it or not. You mentioned earlier it’s always you writing songs because nobody else will do it.” She says, using air quotes might I add as I glare in return, “I’m sure they would if you backed off and gave them a chance.”

“I just like to make sure things are perfect, there’s nothing wrong with that. Mick isn’t interested and Tommy wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Nikki, maybe if you gave them a chance they would shine and pressure would be taken off your shoulders. Nothing has to be perfect, there’s no such thing as that.”

I roll my eyes, “Okay, so maybe I have a slight control problem but this, the band, has been the only thing in my life I actually have control over.”

“And the other parts you don’t? Can you tell me about it?”

I groan in annoyance, “Oh come on. I’m sure Vanity has mentioned a thing or two about me. I’m sure she’s told you all about the reason why I’m fucked up is because of my childhood.” I reach for a candy disk, unwrapping it before popping it into my mouth.

“The subject has came up once or twice but Vanity never dived deep, she said it wasn’t her place to talk about it. Do you want to talk about it?” She asks softly, like how every other therapist in the past has done.

“No, not really. But I just moved around a lot as a kid…”

“Oh, well I’m sure that had an affect on you. Always being the new kid and what not. Are you parents still together? They must be so proud of you.”

I laughed, probably a little too loud “God no. My dad split when I was a kid and my mom and I don’t talk, at all. Every time we do it explodes into something bigger.”

“I’m sorry for that, I’m sure it was hard without a dad in the picture. So your mom raised you?”

Again, I laugh, “Here and there when she wanted me. Half the time I’d be with my grandparents.”

She glances at me, “Is this why you’re so scared of failing as a father?”

I stare at her a moment, “I’m not like my dad. I didn’t just abandon the girls. I begged her to move here so we could be a family.”

“So…they had to uproot the life Vanity had built for them in New York to make you comfortable? Which is essentially what you had to do every time you moved as a child?”

I shake my head “You’re twisting my words. I just wanted them close. Vanity hated New York, she basically stayed for Clementine.”

Crystal shakes her head, “Are you assuming she hated it because she told me she loved it there.”

I chuckle l, “Loved it? Of course she loved it! She was nose deep in fucking coke when I got there.”

“And that’s a problem she’s been working on has she not?”

I sigh, “Yeah, yeah. And I’m proud of her. I know it’s not easy. But I’m not like my parents alright? I’m not just leaving Arianna high and dry nor am I leaving her alone in a run down fucking house okay?”

Crystal looks at me, her head slightly turning to the side, “If you know that, then why are you so worried about messing up? You sound like such a great dad Nikki, from what Vanity tells me. That little girl is lucky to have you.”

I exhale deeply as I nod a bit and lean back against the chair, “Because something always happens…”

“If you spend all your time waiting for bad things to happen you’ll miss out on everything life has for you. Can you give me an example of something happening?”

“I don’t know…I could relapse, Vanity could relapse. We could break up, she could fall in love with someone else and leave me…” I mumble the last part “..and I don’t want her to leave me.”

“You both work hard on your sobriety right? Then what is the worry?” Crystal looks at me, taking off her glasses as she leans forward a bit, “I think you need to spend less time worrying about her being with someone else and only worry about her being with you. Like I said earlier Nikki, we can spend all day talking about the what if’s but it doesn’t help anything or anybody in the long run.”

I frown a bit, “I guess you’re right…it doesn’t do me any good, just drives my anxiety up the wall.”

She smiles a bit, “See…I knew I could get through to you. Is there anything else you want to discuss? You said the dates you’re going on aren’t fulfilling?”

I nod, “Yeah they aren’t. I’d rather be at home with the girls.”

“So…now I’m gonna assume you and Vanity are going to sit down and talk? If this is how you’re feeling, plus with how she feels..”

“I want this to work with her. I need it to work. I can’t picture myself with anyone but her. I hated my ex wife because she wasn’t Van. I just forced myself to pretend that I tolerated her, let alone love her.”

“Then I think you two need to sit down and discuss what you both want from each other and what it will take to make it work. You can’t always blame your issues on your childhood, just like she can’t blame everything on her temper and how she reacts to stressful situations.”

I laugh under my breath and grin “Yeah, she does get mad at the slightest thing.”

She cracks a smile and nods, “That she does. But just like you, Vanity also needs the control. I think you two need to find a solid ground and share it evenly, 50/50. Not 25/75 or 60/40. But right down the middle.”

“And what if we can’t?”

“Nikki.” I sigh and let my shoulders fall back, “As long as you two actually talk about your problems instead of holding onto the anger and grudges. I think both of you also need to learn how to let certain things go.”

“Like the cheating?” I look at her, “She throws that in my face any chance she gets. I just don’t know how many times I can say sorry for it.”

Crystal nods, “I understand Nikki, I do. But put yourself in Vanity’s shoes okay? It’s a traumatic situation for anyone. Just think if the tables were turned. How would you feel? How would you’ve reacted? I believe what bothers her is the principal of it, if you being with someone else. She didn’t want to see it, just like mentioned earlier, you don’t want to see her with another man.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll work on being understanding and sharing control. I need to be home more, hopefully after this album I can take a break for a while and we can get to know each other again.”

“It’s not a bad thing to get to know one another again, you aren’t kids anymore.”

*Vanity’s POV*

“It’s okay Ari! Just brush it off and keep going!” I yell, cupping my hands around my mouth as I sit back down on the folding chair. I wince when I see Arianna trip over the soccer ball again and get a mouth full of dirt, “You’re doing great, sweetie!” I give her a smile when she looks over, glaring as she brushes the dirt off her knees.

“Come on Van, she can barely kick the ball without eating shit. Maybe soccer isn’t for her.” Nikki states, flicking a peanut shell at me. I glance down, seeing him laying on his side on the blanket, “We could try gymnastics. Or cheerleading.” He points in the direction of coaches surrounding a little league team.

I sigh as I slump back in the chair, groaning when Arianna falls again, “It’s only the first day of practice, Nikki. She’ll get the hang of it.”

“Or she’ll get kicked off the team.” Nikki laughs before sitting up and leaning against my leg, “However, it is pretty entertaining to watch.”

I roll my eyes and tap the back of his head, “She has to start somewhere, she can’t just be great over night. I know it took you some time to get good at bass playing.” I smirk a bit as he tilts his head back to look at me.

“Don’t go there. She clearly has no coordination at all and she’s kicking way to hard at the ball and that’s why she keeps falling.” He shakes his head when Arianna kicks the ball and hits another kid in the gut, “See? And she’s being a ball hog.”

“A ball hog? Maybe you need to coach this team instead, Sixx.”

“Well I do look good in stripes.” He laughs but it quickly stops when his phone starts ringing. I watch him dig it out of his pocket as he shakes his head and shoves it back in his jeans.

“If it’s a work call then take it.”

“No, no it’s fine. It’s just Donna, she can wait till later.” He tells me, glancing in my direction as we look at each other for a moment. I watch as he scratches the back of his neck before he looks back at the field, mumbling something under his breath.

I chuckle to myself when his phone starts ringing once more, he digs out of his pocket again before shoving it away, “I’m sure you wouldn’t want her upset with you since you’re ignoring her calls. It’s okay Nikki, you aren’t missing much, it’s just practice.” I explain to him as I see his back raise with a deep inhalation of a breath before he exhales.

“No. This is important, unlike making plans for another expensive restaurant or some stupid high end club.” Nikki spews out, I can hear the annoyed tone.

I clear my throat a bit, “Is everything okay with you..and her?” He side eyes me from the corner of his black shades as I see the corner of his mouth pull up a bit.

“Just...she’s...she’s just making it complicated. She’s asking for too much. Always wants to talk on the phone or hang out or meet up for coffee. She doesn’t grasp the idea of space. Donna wants to be a girlfriend and she’s not girlfriend material, at least not for me.” Nikki leans back on his hands, his legs stretched out on the blue and black flannel.

“Girlfriend material?” I question him as he turns his head to look at me.

“Yeah? You know...girlfriend material? She’s a great women but she couldn’t handle being with a rockstar. Grew up catholic and has all these beliefs that just make me want to gag. She’s hot but she can barely talk about anything other than the modeling and acting. I like someone that can at least tell me what they’re thinking at any given moment.” I feel him nudge my leg as he rests a dandelion on my knee, “I don’t know...it’s just fizzling out.”

I fumble with the yellow flower between my fingers as Nikki cheers for Arianna. My eyebrows pull together in confusion. He was just spending this whole past week with her so I wonder what could have changed. I was still thinking about everything Dr. Peterson had told me last week, I was nitpicking the pros and cons of the situation. Nikki had apologized the next day after our fight like always and then that turned into me being under him...like always. And then it was back to ignoring the problem.

“Hey Nik? Can we talk-“

“Mom! Mom! Did you see how good I’m doing?!”Arianna runs to me, exuberant as always before she’s taking the juice box Nikki hands to her.

“Of course baby! Daddy and I are so happy you’re enjoying it.” I smile at her, smoothing her hair back and wiping some dirt off the side of her cheek, “Just try to be careful okay? And let some of the other kids get the ball.”

She nods feverishly, “But coach Taylor said I’m doing a really good job!”

“And you are princess, but it’s a team sport. So you gotta let the others play with the ball too.” Nikki tells her as he ties the laces on her cleats and tucks them into her shoe, “Sixx’s always play as a team babe.”

“But Blackwoods know how to get the job done themselves.” I wink at her as she giggles and hands me her juice box, “Go finish and then we’ll grab some dinner and maybe ice cream.” Arianna nods before she gives me and Nikki a hug and runs off to the field again.

“So...how are you and Jon?” Nikki questions, almost uncomfortably as he glances at me for a split second.

I shrug, “He’s been busy with studio stuff so

I haven’t really talked to him that much. He calls every few days or so just to see how I’m doing.”

Nikki nods as he leans back on his elbows, “Oh…well that’s good at least…”

“Yeah, I guess?” I chuckle a bit and shake my head, “It’s not like you really care.”

“Yes I do..” I glance when Nikki mumbles, picking blades of grass and flicking them away. I chuckle at his words and shake my head, my eyes going back to soccer practice.

“Yeah, okay Nikki.”

“I’m gonna go get a drink at the concession stand.” He mutters quietly, getting up as his bangs fall over his eyes. I glance at him as he shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair as he walks across the field. I look down, noticing the unopened bottle of Coca Cola from earlier.

*A few days later*

I took a deep breath in and exhaled as I paced nervously outside of Nikki’s office door. Why was talking about how we felt so scary for us? My heart was racing as I hear the light hum of bass strings being pulled. Nikki had came home from having lunch with Donna an hour ago and slammed every single door he went through, so I wasn’t sure what had happened. I said hi to him but he brushed me off and went straight up the stairs.

I crack my knuckles as I try to find the courage inside of me to knock on the door. I just wanted to talk and I figured with Arianna being at school still, it would be the best time to do so. Ya know, in case of it getting ugly.

My lips puff up as I exhale deeply, glancing at anarchy as she’s sprawled out on the floor watching me, “Wish me luck.” I knock on the mahogany door, not hearing any response to come in. I wait a second before reaching for the doorknob and slowly cracking it open, seeing him hunched over in the usual position when he plays his bass with headphones on. I watch him for a moment as he reaches for his journal and writes something down. He notices me through the reflection on the blank computer screen.

Nikki turns around in his chair as he takes off the headphones and smiles “Hey sorry. I just had an idea and I wanted to play it while I had it.”

“No, no it’s okay. I get it. I uh just wanted to talk but you’re busy so we can just talk later.” I stay by the door, gripping the handle as I swallow the lump in my throat.

Nikki stares at me for a moment “No, come sit.” He motions to the futon, “What’s going on?” He sounds concerned as he rolls his chair closer.

“Okay..” I mumble as I sit criss cross on the cushion as I hold the pillow in my lap, “I went and talked to our therapist the other day to get some things off my chest and now I want to talk to you about them.” I take a breath as I look at him, he looks as worried as I feel, “I-I just feel like we aren’t getting anywhere. That this-“ I motion between us “..isn’t going anywhere.”

“You think that?” I notice the slight frown playing on his lips “I took the advice the therapist gave, Van. I didn’t want too….is this about me locking you out? If it is I’m sorry, I was just messing around.”

“Yes, I think and feel that. Like we’re just not letting go and we’re trying to stay together for the sake of Arianna. No, no it’s not because you locked me out. I’ve been feeling like this for a while now..”

“Is that what you want? For this to be over?” Nikki stares at me as he gnaws on his bottom lip, “Are you breaking up with me?” It’s faint but I hear it and it makes my heart heavy.

“I-I I don’t know..”

“My dates with Donna haven’t been that fun, not like how they are with you.”

I smile a bit before it fades, “I just feel like it’s me that’s trying to save our relationship, or what little is left to save. I’m just confused Nikki.”

“What’s there to be confused about Van? You either want to be with me or you don’t.” I stare at him, I wish it was as simple as that but it’s not.

“Do you wanna be with me?” I ask him as he chuckles a bit and rolls closer to me.

“Vanity, of course I want to be with you. You should already know the answer to that. It’s always going to be you every time.” I look away at the painting on the wall as he touches my knees, his thumb gently rubbing back and forth.

“I just feel like our relationship is one sided now. I told you from the start I didn’t want to do this, seeing other people. I vocalized how much I was against it and you still wanted to do it anyways.”

Nikki nods as he lets out a deep breath “I know, I know. I should have listened to what you were saying. It put an even bigger strain on our relationship. I broke things off with Donna today. She was just getting on my nerves. I was only going out with her because I saw how much fun you were having with Jon and how happy you looked. It made me jealous because the whole time I was miserable.”

“You didn’t seem like it..I don’t want to break up. I just wish it wasn’t so hard all the time. We aren’t kids anymore, it feels like how it did 10 years ago and I feel like it shouldn’t be. It should be easy for us by now. Do you think other couples have it this hard?”

Nikki chuckles as he gets off the chair and sits down next to me, “No baby, I don’t. Because not everyone is as complicated as you and me. What do you want from me Van? You want me to actually work on us instead of finding excuses not to?” I glance at him as he smiles at me.

“But that makes me feel like a bitch when you say it like that. I feel selfish. Do you want this?”

“Vanity, you may be a temperamental brat and a pain in my ass sometimes, but you aren’t selfish. You’re far from it.” He reaches for my hand as he brings it up to his lips “I want this. I want you and only you. We shouldn’t be doing this because of Arianna, we should be doing this because we love one another and cause we want this to work. I do love you Vanity.”

“I know you do and I love you too.” I feel him kiss my knuckles again as he’s gently pulling me closer and into his lap. I feel him wrap his arms around me as he lays his head against my shoulder. I sigh as I lay my cheek atop of his head and let my nails run over his neck and back.

“I’m sorry for making you feel this way. Like we weren’t gonna have a chance. I never wanted to do that.” He tells me as I nod and kiss his temple.

“I know you didn’t do it on purpose, it’s okay. I just worry and overthink sometimes because you’re you. You’re Nikki Sixx. You could literally have anyone you want and I could be so easily replaced at any moment. It just scares me.”

Nikki looks up at me and laughs, “You? Oh come on you’re joking. Doll I love you just the way you are. Sure, models and playboys are hot but they couldn’t even touch you. They’re not the ones running out of the house applying make up and dragging a kid behind them because they’re running late. Or throwing water on dinner because they forgot they were even cooking. They don’t have eyes that remind me of the ocean when the sun shines. They don’t have soft lips for me to kiss, even when my breath is so fucking rancid in the morning.”

“Hey I haven’t set dinner on fire in a few months alright?” I laugh a bit as I lean forward to give him a kiss, “Thank you for saying that.”

Nikki licks his lips as he leans back against the couch to look at me, “Plus who else on this planet is able to make me cry? Besides Arianna, she’s just harsh.”

“Yeah she has been pretty mean to you lately hasn’t she?” I chuckle as I move pieces of hair back and out of his face.

“Yeah all because I wouldn’t let her crawl into the that claw machine at the arcade a few weeks ago. You know she put her blue goo in my boots? That’s not something I ever want to feel again.” He shudders as he looks at me and smiles “I’ve also been trying to meditate and write my feelings out instead of keeping them inside.”

“Oh! So that’s why you’ve been sitting at the pool every morning? I thought you were just having a mid life crisis or something.” I grin and laugh when he pinched my hip.

“Hey just because I’m getting closer to 40 doesn’t mean shit.”

“Kinda does a little bit, Nikki.” I lean forward and squint “is that….is that a grey hair?” I tease him as I pretend to pluck it out of his hair.

“Oh shut the hell up. You have them too probably.” He rolls his eyes as he pretends to pout.

“Oh no no baby. Not on this head of hair, you won’t find a single thing.”

Nikki leans forward as he gives me a quick and simple kiss, “Well whenever it happens, I’ll still love you when you’re old and grey.”

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theartofdreaming1 · 3 years

Photo

As usual, my thoughts regarding this week’s prompts and random thoughts on chapters 25-27 are below the cut.

heart

The imagery that really caught my attention this time was Peeta pointing out the changes in the moon to Katniss: The only indication of the passage of time lies in the heavens, the subtle shift of the moon. So Peeta begins pointing it out to me, insisting I acknowledge its progress and sometimes, for just a moment I feel a flicker of hope before the agony of the night engulfs me again. - So for one, we see another example of Peeta focusing on the small details in life (which I’ve previously hypothesized to being an important element in his recovery from his hijacking) as well as Peeta being the one to give Katniss hope, even if it’s just for a brief moment. Also, it’s a nice parallel to Katniss looking at the moon and desperately wishing for it to be “her moon” back in chapter 23. As a nocturnal person, I also love watching the moon from my living room window🌙

mind

Hmmh, I don’t think that Katniss and Peeta’s win was predetermined - although I do believe that by introducing the romantic angle, they significantly improved their odds. A Career winning the Games is not really that special and exciting, since it happens so often (although Careers generally satisfy that excitement for violence/blood/gore, that plenty of Capitol people seem to share). As a volunteer from District 12, who achieved an extremely good training score and proved herself to be very capable in the arena already, Katniss definitely had an edge by playing into the classic underdog story, which offered another exciting “narrative” for the Capitolites to follow - that, coupled (heh) with the romance angle Peeta introduced? Katniss (and Peeta) definitely had the entertainment (and excitement through novelty) factor on their side. Ironically, Cato’s chances of winning were not as good as he expected, precisely because he was playing it by the book.

soul

Poor Peeta (and Katniss), it hurts that their relationship was in such a rocky place by the end of the book. Especially those weeks right after the end of Book 1, when there were still cameras around District 12 and they had to pretend while hurting must have sucked big time🥺

Chapter 25

Ugh, the muttations are just so unsettling... *shudder*

Honestly, I’m just so impressed by Peeta’s presence of mind to draw that X on Cato’s hand, after he had just most of his calf ripped off, only to be grabbed and put in a headlock by Cato! He and Katniss work insanely well under pressure

God, Cato’s death is just so gruesome and awful... In the end, his “gift” from the Feast doesn’t help him win at all, but instead ends up prolonging his suffering a cruel amount... I wonder if in general these “gifts” come with a string attached (aside from the expected danger of trying to get them, I mean) - because the Gamemakers also intend for Katniss’s “gift” (medicine for Peeta) to force an even more cruel outcome on her - saving him from blood poisoning only to be forced into killing him herself... 🤔

I’m not sure if this is exactly medical protocol, but I’m terrified that if he drifts off he’ll never wake again. “Are you cold?” he asks. He unzips his jacket and I press against him as he fastens it around me. - Katniss is terrified of the idea of Peeta dying; at the same time, Peeta worries about her freezing - I can’t with these two 😩

Peeta begins to doze off now, and each time he does, I find myself yelling his name louder and louder because if he goes and dies on me now, I know I’ll go completely insane. He’s fighting it, probably more for me than for him - Katniss can’t lose any more people she cares about 😢; on a different note, Peeta fighting his unconsciousness “probably more for [Katniss] than for him” points out one of the crucial elements Katniss brings into Peeta’s life - she is that someone for whom he will fight - including for his own life and well-being - even when it feels easier to give up... Having that person in your life that keeps you going can make all the difference - if Katniss hadn’t had Prim and promised her “to really, really try” to win (and later also made Rue the same promise), I’m not sure she would have made it this far; it’s the thought of Prim anxiously watching her after Rue’s death, that forces Katniss to keep going, to not give in to despair after that particular traumatic event - Peeta, on the other hand, didn’t really have that kind of person in his life, as he will point out on the beach in CF (and Katniss acknowledges herself that the only person who will be devasted if Peeta dies is her)... that is not to say that neither Katniss nor Peeta aren’t fighters on their own - but it helps to have someone that inspires you to not give up

the adrenaline pumping through my body would never allow me to follow him, so I can’t let him go. I just can’t. - We’ll see the mirrored version of this by the end of Mockinjay

Pity, not vengeance, sends my arrow flying into [Cato’s] skull. - Another act of rebellion, technically (sure, this can be spun as Katniss killing Cato so she and Peeta may win - before Peeta dies from blood loss - but we know better - Katniss’s motivation was compassion for her supposed enemy)

We inch down to the tail of the horn and fall to the ground. If the stiffness in my limbs is this bad, how can Peeta even move? - Peeta is tough as nails, yo!

Before I am even aware of my actions, my bow is loaded with the arrow pointed straight at his heart [...] I drop my weapons and take a step back, my face burning in what can only be shame. “No,” he says. “Do it.” [...] “I can’t,” I say, “I won’t.” - In spite of her initial reflex, Katniss chooses Peeta/ chooses not to kill him; it’s a recurring theme in their relationship (despite her wariness of others, she chooses to open up to Peeta eventually; although she vowed to never marry and have children, she’ll choose to have a family with Peeta); also, my psychology-brain just noticed how this moment illustrates how harmful thoughts/impulses don’t have to determine your actions and are not an indicator of who you are - it’s about what you choose to do

“You’re not leaving me here alone,” I say. Because if he dies, I’ll never go home, not really. I’ll spend the rest of my life in this areny trying to think my way out. - Again, makes me think of MJ; also, I think that from this point onwards, Katniss and Peeta are officially linked together forever; the bond they forged during this traumatic experience will connect them to each other until the day they die

“On the count of three?” Peeta leans down and kisses me once, very gently. “The count of three,” he says. - My heart😭

Chapter 26

... while our muscles are immobile, nothing is preventing the blood from draining out of Peeta’s leg. Sure enough, the minute the door closes behind us and the current stops, he slumps to the floor unconscious [...] Through the glass, I see the doctors working feverishly on Peeta, their brows creased in concentration [...] I’m not sure, but I think his heart stops twice. - Peeta was in such a bad shape by the end of the Games; I’m still kinda salty that the movie really glossed over this fact :/

... they’re taking Peeta but leaving me behind the door. I start hurling myself against the glass, shrieking and I think I just catch a glimpse of pink hair - it must be Effie, it has to be Effie coming to my rescue - when the needle jabs me from behind. - Oh geez, in Catching Fire Katniss will also get sedated in a hovercraft because she’s upset about being separated from Peeta 😢 (also, Katniss thinking that Effie is coming to her rescue 😭)

While she [Lavinia, the avox] adjusts my pillows, I risk one question. I say it out loud, as clearly as my rusty voice will allow, so nothing will seem secretive. “Did Peeta make it?” She gives me a nod, and as she slips a spoon into my hand, I feel the pressure of friendship. - Katniss is so considerate of Lavinia’s situation, and Lavinia’s giving her a gesture of comfort and support; they’ve never been able to have a proper conversation (Katniss doesn’t even know Lavinia’s name), but still they managed to build up such a bond - compassion certainly is a strong thing to behold 😭 (and this whole scene is just through and through about compassion, with Katniss asking how Peeta is doing!)

Home! Prim and my mother! Gale! Even the thought of Prim’s scruffy old cat makes me smile. Soon I will be home! - Katniss is so excited to see her home and her loved ones again

I want to get out of this bed. To see Peeta and Cinna - Aww, the two people she grew closest to over the course of the past weeks (Haymitch will be added to that list in just a smidge)

Or do I hear a man’s voice yelling? Not in the Capitol accent, but in the rougher cadences of home. And I can’t help having a vague, comforting feeling that someone is looking out for me. - Thank God for Haymitch!

And behind one of them [doors] must be Peeta. Now that I’m conscious and moving, I’m growing more and more anxious about him [...] “Peeta!” I call out, since there’s no one to ask - Katniss is sick with worry over Peeta; romantic feelings or not, she cares so fricking much for him by now!

I run for them [Effie, Haymitch, and Cinna] and surprise even myself when I launch into Haymitch’s arms first. When he whispers in my ear, “Nice job, sweetheart,” it doesn’t sound sarcastic. - These reunion scenes are so intense and heartwarming! And then Katniss asks about Portia and Peeta because their presence would make this scene complete

when I asks for seconds, I’m refused. “No, no, no. They don’t want it all coming back up on the stage,” says Octavia, but she secretly slips me an extra roll under the table to let me know she’s on my side - It’s moments like these that help humanize Katniss’s prep team - they might be shallow, they might be completely oblivious and ignorant, but they aren’t that bad [of course, the prep team chattering about their mundane lives while talking about the event that ended with the deaths of 22 children shortly after, leaves a bad taste in our mouths]

I immediately notice the padding over my breasts, adding curves that hunger has stolen from my body. My hands go to my chest and I frown. “I know,” says Cinna before I can object. “But the Gamemakers wanted to alter you surgically. Haymitch had a huge fight with them over it. This was the compromise.” - God, the idea that the Gamemakers wanted to give a boob job to an unconscious, malnourished 16-year-old girl makes me sick 🤢 (Also, what’s the flipping deal about boobs?! As a pretty flat-chested gal, I’ve always been annoyed that there are barely any bras my cup size that are not push-up ones; I’m not self-conscious about it, so stop making me pretend that I’m bustier than I actually am!)

“I thought it’d be something more... sophisticated-looking,” I say. “I thought Peeta would like this better,” he [Cinna] answers carefully. Peeta? No, it’s not about Peeta. It’s about the Capitol and the Gamemakers and the audience. Although I do not yet understand Cinna’s design, it’s a reminder the Games are not quite finished. - Ugh, that sinking feeling when Katniss and the reader realize that the Games are still not over... Sidenote: Peeta flirted up a storm with grimy, bloodied Katniss and complimented her when she wore Cinna’s first, absolutely badass costume (”You should wear flames more often”)... Katniss’s girlish outfit has nothing to do with Peeta and she knows it... Cinna could have dressed Katniss up in a trash bag and Peeta would have been smitten - although a trash bag by Cinna would probably still look pretty good ;)

“How about a hug for luck?” Okay, that’s an odd request from Haymitch but, after all we are victors. Maybe a hug for luck is in order. - Aww, Katniss actually wouldn’t have minded giving Haymitch a hug just because - sadly, this is about survival tips instead :/

But what was it Haymitch said when I asked it he had told Peeta the situation? That he had to pretend to be desperately in love? “Don’t have to. He’s already there.” Already thinking ahead of me in the Games again and well aware of the danger we’re in? Or... already desperately in love? I don’t know. I haven’t even begun to separate out my feelings about Peeta. It’s too complicated. - Poor Katniss... she didn’t have the time and peace of mind to sort out her feelings regarding Peeta before they all got tied up and muddled with her need for survival. Now she’ll be having an even harder time trying to untangle that mess :(

Chapter 27

Then there’s Peeta just a few yards away. He looks so clean and healthy and beautiful, I can hardly recognize him. But his smile is the same whether in mud or in the Capitol and when I see it, I take about three steps and fling myself into his arms [...] He rights himself and we just cling to each other while the audience goes insane. He’s kissing me and all the time I’m thinking, Do you know? Do you know how much danger we’re in? After about ten minutes of this, Caesar Flickerman taps on his choulder to continue the show, and Peeta just pushes him aside without even glancing at him. - Man, their reunion here always gets me - it would be so fricking good if Katniss didn’t have to worry about their potential doom 😒😔 - she barely has time to just be happy to see Peeta alive and well before slipping back into survival mode while Peeta is just genuinely thrilled to have her in his arms, completely unaware of the pressure and immediate danger Katniss experiences in this moment... It hurts so bad

I’m with Katniss - How did the previous victors endure rewatching those horrible moments from the Games?! I guess because they had to, but oof... I think I’d just completely shut down, blocking out the footage shown, ugh

But I do notice they omit the part where I covered her [Rue] in flowers. Right. Because even that smacks of rebellion. - In such a callous and cruel place as Panem, any act of compassion can be regarded as rebellion, it’s crazy. In a place filled with apathy, hedonism, greed, and cruelty, the most radical things you can exhibit are love, kindness, and respect!

A wave of gratitude to the filmmakers sweeps over me when they end not with the announcement of our victory, but with me pounding on the glass door of the hovercraft, screaming Peeta’s name as they try to revive him. In terms of survival, it’s my best moment all night. - Again, another instance where Katniss’s genuine feelings/reactions to Peeta are get muddled with her need for survival

The one thing I never do is let go of Peeta’s hand. - irrevocably linked with each other

Despite Haymitch’s running interference, I’m determined to see Peeta privately. - Katniss just wants to have an honest and open talk with Peeta 😢 (I get where Haymitch is coming from, and maybe in this instance it’s the right call, but we’ll see a similar situation in the beginning of CF when Haymitch advises Katniss not to tell Peeta about President Snow’s visit and that time, it doesn’t go so well...)

Then Peeta’s there looking handsome in red and white - for someone who isn’t sure whether she’s into him or not, Katniss sure mentions how good Peeta’s looking a lot 😏

“Well, there’s just this and we go home. Then he can’t watch us all the time,” says Peeta. - 👀👀 Peeta is so thirsty here; reminds me of when he pulled Katniss close to him in the cave before they set out to hunt... He clearly believes she’s also “already there” regarding their relationship; he’s never this “suggestive” (can’t think of a better word right now) with her once she lets him know that she doesn’t really know how she feels about him - I feel a sort of shiver run through me and there’s no time to analyze why - Katniss totally isn’t averse to what Peeta’s suggesting here, either (though there’s probably also a healthy amount of fear mixed in with the thrill of being wanted - letting people in can be terrifying)

I can feel Peeta press his forehead into my temple and he asks, “So now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?” I turn in to him. “Put you somewhere you can’t get hurt.” And when he kisses me, people in the room actually sigh. - It’s me; I’m people 🙋🏼‍♀️ (also, the “turn in to him”?!?!! it just suggests such a closeness, I can’t-)

Katniss burying her face in Peeta’s shirt when she’s afraid she might cry learning that he lost his leg 🥺 (how awful it must be to be constantly on display while you’re dealing with your private feelings, ugh)

“... The moment when you pulled out those berries. What was going on in your mind... hm?” [...] It seems to call for a big, dramatic speech, but all I get out is one almost inaudible sentences. “I don’t know, I just... couldn’t bear the thought of... being without him.” - It might not be a super eloquent way to put what she was supposed to say, but this way, Katniss is being perfectly honest (and frankly, if she’d had the chance to properly process her feelings, she would have been able to voice this sentiment with less hesitation)

I go back to my room to collect a few things and find there’s nothing to take but the mockingjay pin Madge gave me. Someone returned it to my room after the Games. - For one, Katniss didn’t think of that pin (again), but also - was the pin returned to her simply because it’s standard procedure or did someone (like Plutarch, for example) arrange for Katniss to get the pin back, to keep her connection to this symbol going?

I stare in the mirror as I try to remember who I am and who I am not. - Poor Katniss! She’s been through so much, experienced so many traumatic events in short succession recently (aside from the trauma she already had), already had problems defining her identity beyond sheer survival, and now the Capitol also keeps pushing an identity onto her and a romantic relationship, when she hadn’t even had the chance to figure out how she felt about that yet

“... Haymitch has been coaching me through the last few days. So I didn’t make it worse,” I say. “Coaching you? But not me,” says Peeta. “He knew you were smart enough to get it right,” I say. “I didn’t know there was anything to get right,” says Peeta. - Oh boy. It’s always so painful to see Peeta realize that he’s been completely out of the loop; again, we’ll see how Katniss and Haymitch adopt a similar strategy in the beginning of CF: banking on Peeta’s good social skills and eloquence and keeping him in the dark. In a way, it’s a sort of compliment they pay to Peeta for being good with people, but, by not telling him, they are also using him for their purpose (which is motivated by caring for and wanting to protect Peeta, but still). Peeta is right to be upset about it - he has always been very clear about not wanting to be used as a piece in anyone’s games, really. And, as we will see later in CF, they are way more effective as a team when they are open and honest with each other.

“It was all for the Games,” Peeta says. “How you acted.” “Not all of it,” I say, tightly holding on to my flowers. “Then how much? No, forget that. I guess the real question is what’s going to be left when we get home?” he says. “I don’t know. The closer we get to District Twelve, the more confused I get,” I say. He waits, for further explanation, but none’s forthcoming. “Well, let me know when you work it out,” he says, and the pain in his voice is palpable. - It’s just so goddamn painful😢 They’ve both been done so dirty by that forced star-crossed lovers of Distrct 12 routine. (Sidenote: I appreciate that Peeta actually gives Katniss the chance to explain herself here - still, it’s too much to deal with on the spot so I can understand why Katniss ended up dropping the ball, even though it’s frustrating to read.)

That it’s not good loving me because I’m never going to get married anyway and he’d just end up hating me later instead of sooner. That if I do have feelings for him, it doesn’t matter because I’ll never be able to afford the kind of love that leads to a family, to children. And how can he? How can he after what we’ve just been through? - Oh Katniss, you certainly are skipping a couple of steps here; I’m pretty sure there are some options in between dating and being married with kids you could look into. Also, she’s just assuming that this is what Peeta wants, but she doesn’t know that at all - As someone who also has this stupid habit of imagining how whole conversations could possibly transpire and then resigning myself to the hypothetical outcome of said imagined conversation instead of actually having them: Don’t do that. ‘Never assume - it makes an ASS out of U and ME.’

I see Peeta extend his hand. I look at him, unsure. “One more time? For the audience?” he says. His voice isn’ t angry. It’s hollow, which is worse. Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me. I take his hand, holding it tightly, preparing for the cameras, and dreading the moment when I will finally have to let go. - Ma babies! They are both so hurt and both just want to be with each other 😭 But they’ll need some time apart, to figure things out before they can do that.

#thgagain #thg #hunger games #everlark #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #my sketches and drawings #thg meta

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dumdumsun · 3 years

Text

Forever and Never

A/N: One more chapter! You guys are a dream, thank you so much for reading ❤️

Warnings: mentions of marijuana, derogatory terms for homosexuality, blood/gore and death/dying

Word Count: 5690

—————————————

Eight: All Die Young

“Um… I think besides everything with Ricky… the night of homecoming was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.”

“With Bradley Lewis’s death.”

“Yeah. I-I mean, it started off as a normal day, a-a great day, actually.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Awaking to a text from Stanley Barber, informing me that he was driving us to school, was a heavenly sight. Almost as heavenly as waking up beside the boy, himself in the near future. Grabbing my phone off its charger, I rolled onto my stomach and texted him back, my feet giddily kicking in the air. It amazed me how he could change my entire demeanor within seconds. I could go from a sniveling baby to a hopping and skipping lovesick fool when it comes to Stan. And I don’t even think he meant to have this much of an effect on me. I wondered if I had the same effect on him? I never really paid much attention to it, just accepted the fact that he would never reciprocate my feelings. Even during that time, I had no idea if we were a couple or just adoring each other. It didn’t matter, though. Stan was finally looking at me the way I wanted him to.

Jacob stared at me with unease as I skipped down the stairs, prancing my way into the kitchen for breakfast. “Mom, (Y/N)’s being weird.” He called out as he opened the front door to leave. Pam hushed him before handing me a plate of food.

“Hush, now, Jacob. Let her be in a good mood for once.”

“For once?” I frowned and sat myself down. Pam smiled over at me and gingerly kissed my forehead as I began eating.

“Yes. For once.”

When I finished eating and readying myself for the day, I received a text message from Stan.

Stan: I’m outside

Me: omw

Pocketing my cell, I called out to my family before stepping outside to see Stan in his car with a grin on his face. “Good morning, lovely!” He called out above his music as I strode up to the vehicle, climbing inside. I gave him my usual greeting before leaning over and kissing his cheek. He chuckled and waited for me to strap myself in before riding down our street. It was clear he was in a good mood, because he let me pick the music for the ride. As Waterloo by ABBA flowed out of the drawn-down car windows, I felt the comforting warmth of his hand latch onto mine. Our combined hands shook to the beat of the music as we happily sang the words to the song. Remember when I said I had only been this happy one other time? This was even better. There were never any consequences to being with Stan, never a dull moment, never a hint of doubt between our bond. I’d never been as close to anyone as I was to him. And now at last, we were even closer in more ways than one.

Stepping onto the school campus, we were no longer strangers. I still walked within my bubble, and I probably always will throughout my life, but from now on there was no need to allow Stan inside. He was planning to be beside me through it all. He wasn’t afraid to be alienated with me any longer, we were to embrace it together. We were going to allow the stares, the whispers, the rumors. Allow them to act as water on a duck’s back. I was proud of him, I was proud of us. Even as I felt the dark brown glare of Ricky Berry trail after the two of us, watching our bashful and lovestruck glances throughout classes, the way we held hands in the halls. I was certain he got the message that I was no longer his, despite the forceful way he claimed me the previous week.

At lunch, I was just about to declare my spot in line when I felt a gentle hold on my arm. Stan, with a warm grin, pulled me away and walked us to an empty table. “Um, Stan, I’d kinda like to eat lunch today.”

“I know, Nugget,” He held up two brown sacks. “I made lunch for the both of us.” The way his grin grew prideful made my heart swell in affection. We sat across from each other as he slid the bag over to me.

“Awe, Stanley, you didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to, though,” He shrugged and watched as I took each item out of the bag and carefully organized them. “So, about homecoming. I was thinking we could make a big deal out of it. If you want to.”

“I totally want to,” I nodded, eyes trained on my task. “What were you planning, beautiful?”

I didn’t miss the bashful blush tinting his cheeks when I snuck a glance up at him. “Uh… Well, I was thinking when I pick you up, we can take, like, a shitload of pictures. Like, just let Aunt Pam go at it. She’ll love it.”

“Oh, yeah, definitely.”

“And then after the dance, I wanna take you out to eat.”

“Really? Where to?”

“Nothing too fancy. You don’t like all that. I was driving around yesterday and saw this restaurant that specializes in their pasta,” I suddenly felt the tip of my nose being gently pinched. Looking up, Stan was playfully wiggling my nose with a goofy grin on his face. “I know how much you love pasta.”

“I do,” I laughed and swatted his hand away. “And after that? Are we robbing a bank and driving off into the night?”

“If only,” He wistfully sighed. “But alas, I’m afraid we’ll have to remain trapped within Brownsville until we’re old enough to run away.”

I gave a mischievous smirk. “The entire act of running away is rebellious. Why wait until we’re allowed?”

“Because, frankly, I don’t feel like running away,” We shared a laugh. “But in all seriousness, we go to my house and just chill. We can have a dance contest. Our last was a tie, remember?”

The antsy excitement rushed through my veins the closer the night approached. I was never one for making a scene about school dances, but this time was different. It was my senior year, I had Stan, Ricky was out of the picture. Or at least, he was for the next hour. After lunch, Stan walked me to photography class, the two of us hand-in-hand as we had been for the entire day. Approaching the door, he wished me a good class before leaning in and pecking my lips. Our fingertips lingered as he pulled away and continued to his own class. Feeling my burning cheeks, I turned to go into the room, but an arm blocked my path. “Hey, Zip.”

Inwardly groaning, I looked up at Ricky. His bruises were beginning to fade, the dark ring around his right eye taking its time to heal. I silently hissed at the sight of him. “What.”

“Listen, I just wanted to apologize. Brad talked to me the other day and… made me realize that what I did was really fucked up. Really, babe, I didn’t mean to hurt you-”

“You’re so fucking lucky I haven’t called the police on you, Ricky-”

“Yes, I know,” He sighed, discreetly rolling his eyes. “And I really appreciate it. Gives me a chance to better myself, you know? Help you better yourself. And what better way to make up for what I did than to make homecoming the most magical night for you? Yeah? We still on for tonight?”

My eyes dangerously widened at his hopeful smile, his expression melting under my fiery stare. “Are you kidding me?! Hell no! You think I wanna be anywhere near you?!”

“(Y/N)-”

“Besides, I already have another date.” I shrugged and moved to duck under his arm, but he leaned against the doorframe to decline me access inside. I quickly backed away from him, my fear kicking in at his brash behavior.

“What, Stan The Faggot? You’re really going with that fucking twink when you could be going with me?” He laughed right in my face. I lifted my chin and stepped forward.

“Don’t ever speak about Stanley that way. He’s the most kind-hearted person I’ve ever met and is an even better boyfriend than you’ll ever be to anyone-”

“Boyfriend?!” He cackled. “I knew it. How could I not? It was so obvious! You’re fucking crazy.”

“Excuse me?!”

“You don’t see the way he dresses? He’s fucking weird, (Y/N). He’s a goddamn drug dealer. What is he gonna offer you? Huh? Free weed? Babe… Come on, you are so better off with me.”

He lightly shook his head with a smile of disbelief as I took out my phone. “I just remembered. You’re not supposed to be near me, talking to me, or even looking at me. I think Jacob would love to hear about this-”

“Fuck you.” Ricky hissed before stomping away, leaving me in an empty hallway that was filled with the ringing of the tardy bell not too long afterwards. At that point, I was just about sick of guys. I was irritable during gym class, running off my anger and letting it steam off my shoulders. When the coach told us we could stop, I took greedy gulps of air and trudged to a nearby bench to rest. As I plopped down, I noticed Syd and Dina walking together to the opposite side of the field. It was good to know they were to finally talk everything out. Now for her and Stan to make up…

I was thankful for a split second for the shadow that casted over the burning sun raining down on me, but huffed upon seeing who it was. Some guy from my math class stood before me. He was shirtless, displaying his six-pack and chest glistening with sweat. He beamed down at me with a suave smirk. “Hey, Zip.”

“Hey.”

“So… I know you and Ricky are… you know. So, since the dance is tonight-”

“Sorry, I already have a date.”

“Right,” He nodded slowly, beginning to back away. “I should’ve known. No worries.”

-------------------------------------------------

“And he just walked away?!” Stan laughed on our drive home from school. My hold on his hand tightened as I tried to hold in my own laugh.

“No, he ran away!” I snorted, triggering the increase of his laughter.

“What is that, the fourth guy today?”

“Don’t remind me.” I rolled my eyes as he pulled up to my house. Unbuckling myself, I froze at Stan’s intentuous stare. He reached over and grabbed my hand again, raising it to his lips.

“I expect you to dazzle everyone like you usually do.” He kissed my knuckles.

My breath hitched. “Of course. And I expect you to do better than me, like you usually do. What time should I be ready?”

“I’m picking you up at eight. On the dot.”

“On the dot, got it.” I leaned over and pressed my lips to his. He returned it and tilted his head to try and deepen it, but I pulled away with a giggle. Stan watched in awe as I got out of the car, snatching up my backpack as I did. Waving him off, I turned and headed inside my house.

I had to look perfect. Not just for Stan, but for me. This was a new era of myself, I had shedded my skin and materialized as something beautiful. I had to showcase just how beautiful I’ve become. So, after my shower, I struck up a playlist and dolled myself up. Starting off with my hair, I simply pinned it up with white butterfly hair clips. My makeup was nothing special, other than the baby pink eyeshadow and the small application of glitter over it. To seal up the look, I added cherry lip gloss to give my lips a bit of a pop. I hoped Stan would appreciate it. My face burned at the thought of him tasting the cherry on my mouth. Backing away from my mirror before I exploded, I entered my closet. My dress was something I never thought I would ever wear. It matched my makeup in baby pink. An off-the-shoulder look that hugged my torso and flared out to the floor. I managed to zip it up myself before slipping on a pair of white heels. Turning to my reflection, I let out a breath.

I had never looked any more beautiful, I think. I remember gazing at my parents’ wedding photo as a child and wishing to look as beautiful as my mother one day. I wondered if she was looking down at me, proud of who I had become at that point. Gazing fondly down at the ring on my pinky, I blinked back the stinging of my tears.

Yeah, she’s proud.

An eager three knocks sounded at my door and I hurried to open it. Pam immediately teared up the moment her eyes settled on me, camera ready in her hand. “Oh, my baby… You look so gorgeous! Just like your mom!” She gushed. I could only chuckle as she took multiple pictures of me. Hearing a taunting laugh, I looked down the hall to see Jacob leaning against the wall, silently mocking his mother’s excitement. I kindly showed my middle finger to him, much to Pam’s disappointment. “Oh, come on. Now it’s in the picture! Jake, leave your sister alone!”

“Sorry, ma’am.” He feigned innocence and batted his eyelashes at me. I playfully sneered at him before David’s voice sounded from downstairs.

“(Y/N), Stan is here!”

Grabbing my phone, I checked the time. Eight o’clock. On the dot. That punctual bastard. Clutching my phone in my hand, I nervously made my way to the top of the stairs. Everyone was waiting for me at the bottom, including Stan. God, he looked so cute. He was wearing his baby blue suit, some sort of black and tan shirt beneath that oddly went well with the suit. Leave it to Stan to defy the laws of fashion. I could tell he paid extra care to his hair, the way it was styled perfectly for his curls to sit off to the left side of his forehead. I was sure I was grinning like a maniac as I descended the stairs, but Stan’s expression was the reason I was grinning. He looked absolutely astonished and at a loss for words. His jaw was dropped and eyes were bulging as he watched me walk closer to him. When I quietly greeted him, he couldn’t even respond. Great job, (Y/N), you broke him.

“How’d I do?” I whispered and hooked arms with him. At my touch, he snapped out of his haze and beamed at me.

“You certainly did not disappoint, lovely.”

“Awe, and you aren’t looking too bad yourself, beautiful.”

Pam squealed from the sidelines before rushing over to us. “Stanley, doesn’t she look stunning?”

“Absolutely, Aunt Pam.” He grinned at the older woman as she began taking photo after photo of us. We decided to indulge her and pose for each one. All the while, I felt a red hot glare from the side. Glancing its way, I noticed Jacob fuming at the sight of Stan and I hugged up on each other. His Big Brother Mode was going to activate the second Pam was done with us. To my horror, she finished sooner than I thought. As she excitedly showed our photos to David, I watched as Jacob slowly approached us. Just as he opened his mouth to spit some sort of threat towards the poor, unsuspecting Stan, I turned to the front door and flung it open.

“Well, we really have to go! We’re already late, you know.” I chuckled and gently shoved Stan out of the house.

“Oh! Yeah, of course!” Pam called out after us. “You two be careful out there! And have fun!”

“And (Y/N)-” Jacob began to add in a warning, but I waved him off, mouthing an ‘I know’ as Stan scrambled to hold the car door open for me. I quietly thanked him and climbed inside. The car ride to the dance was very pleasant. The hum of soft rock music fit the mood of our night as we quietly sang along. Stan found a parking spot rather quickly and leaned back in his seat after turning the car off. Bringing the visor down, I checked myself in the mirror, gently running my fingers over my white gold hoop earrings gifted to me by my dad for my previous birthday. They were pretty expensive and I hardly wore them, so why not? Hearing a click, I turned to see Stan lighting up a joint. After he took a hit, he looked my way and smiled, offering it to me. Without any hesitation, I joined him in a quick session. As I took my third hit, I felt his eyes on me.

“What?” I raised a brow and exhaled the smoke. His eyes shown in adoration.

“What a sight you are…”

“A sight? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, you’re sitting in my old-school car, looking like a goddess and smoking a joint. You’re so beautiful… Just perfection.”

“Jeez, maybe I should get dolled up to smoke more often.” I joked and handed it back to him. We shared a chuckle before Stan put the smoke out. He gave me a wink before getting out of the car and rounding it to let me out.

Our highs kicked in the moment we stepped into the gymnasium. Our clammy hands found each other as we walked further in. I let him lead me through the sea of dancing bodies and bouncing balloons, the two of us hitting them out of our way as we ended up near the bleachers. When we stopped, we overlooked the scene before us as I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Best theater in town, Stan.”

“Best theater in town, (Y/N),” He looked down at me with furrowed brows. “So, why aren’t you on stage?”

“I don’t perform without my co-star.”

“Well, in that case.” He took hold of both my hands and swung us around. At that, we let loose, broadcasting our best secret dance contest moves to anyone willing to watch. I thought it was perfect. The two outcasts, both outcasts for difference reasons, wildly dancing together away from everyone else. And yet, they were the life of the party. It was meant to be. My feet stung from the stomping and jumping I was doing in my heels, but I couldn’t care less.

“I fucking hate this song!” I joyfully shouted, eliciting a laugh from my date.

“Me, too!” From the sound of our laughter, it was clear the two of us were high. Three songs later, in the middle of my rounds of spinning, I felt Stan’s hands on my waist, attempting to stop me. When I did, my surroundings rotated around me and I leaned into him for support. Looking up, I saw Sydney awkwardly smiling at the both of us.

“Oh! Hey, Syd! I love your dress.” I smiled and gestured to her attire. Her smile widened.

“Thanks, (Y/N), y-you look great.”

“Awe, thanks.” I gushed and bashfully waved her off. My attention turned to Stan, who had a look of indifference on his face, but a hint of pain in his eyes. Sydney noticed it, too, and looked back at me.

“Uh… Can I borrow Stan for a second?”

“Go ahead.” I motioned. Stan stared at me for a second before following Syd onto the bleachers. I suddenly felt very out of place, so I decided to keep my hands busy and get myself some punch. Thankfully, I found Dina there, pouring herself a cup. When she noticed me, she quickly set it back down on the table and reached her arms out for a hug. “Dina, you look so good!”

“Are you kidding me?!” We engulfed each other in a tight hug before pulling away. “You look fucking amazing! You always have to show out, huh?”

“I try…” I lowered my voice. As the two of us talked, lonely guys would come up to us and ask to dance, but we would hold hands and politely decline. After the third walked away, Dina turned to me.

“Hey, so… In detention… The thing that Jenny said about Ricky. Was that true…?” The hesitancy in her voice made me deeply inhale as I nodded in confirmation. Instantly, her eyes welled up with tears as her hands covered her mouth. “(Y/N)... I’m so sorry. If I had known, I would’ve been there for you.”

“No, no, Dina!” I quickly took her hands into mine, my heart wrenching. “It’s okay! I’m okay…”

“You’re okay? H-How are you okay?” She frowned and blinked back her tears. A warm smile twitched its way onto my face.

“Stan… he’s been making everything better…” I admitted. Dina’s face lit up before she hugged me all over again.

“Oh my god, (Y/N)! I’m so happy for you! God, you fucking deserve it, girl!” She exclaimed as I hugged back, quietly laughing at her excitement. Our hug was cut short, when Dina caught sight of our dates heading toward us. I turned to them and happily watched as they approached us, their hands lazily clasped together. Sydney held out Stan’s hand over to mine and I gladly took over. “Stan!” Dina grinned at him as he allowed me to lean against his side.

“Dina, you look, um… you look like a Christmas tree.” He awkwardly complimented as I rolled my eyes. Dina looked down at herself.

“Thanks, dude.”

“Uh-huh.” He nodded before his eye caught something. “Oh, god. Whitaker’s still watching us.” He sighed. We directed our gaze to our principal, who indeed was standing across the gym, arms folded and a piercing gaze on the four of us.

“It’s probably the most exciting thing that’s ever happened in his entire life.” Sydney crossed her arms, as well, as we all grinned. Stan leaned forward and placed his other hand over ours as he hummed.

“I don’t know, guys. I mean, we’re wanted criminals. Why are we out here in the open? Exposed. First rule of the heist is split the loot and split the fuck up, right?”

“We don’t have any loot, Stan.” I raised a brow in false confusion as Dina smirked at me.

“Yeah, all we did was disrespect this fine institution.”

“And disrespect ourselves.” Sydney finished, Stan humming again before we all shared a soft laugh. Stan’s smile disappeared as a slow song came on. I barely recognized it, but he sure seemed to know it. His free hand reached up to cover his eyes.

“Oh, no. On principle, I just- I can’t,” He groaned and began to free himself from my grasp. “Sorry, this playlist is all over the map. I’ll- I’ll be back.” He squeezed between Syd and I to leave, but I followed right behind. He was nearly at the DJ table, when I managed to stop his striding.

“Stan! Stan, wait!” I laughed and turned him to me. “Come on, I wanna dance to this.”

“(Y/N), I have to enlighten that poor DJ over there.”

“After this song?” I pouted and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I don’t care about the music. I’ll dance to anything with you.”

“That is a lie, but fine,” He sighed before his hands rested on my waist. Our dance started off with timid shuffling, Stan clearly not used to slow dancing. I chuckled and directed his eyes away from his shoes.

“Stan, it’s just swaying, I promise.” I whispered. He gave me an incredulous look before moving with me to the music. Of course, since it’s Stan, he had to add in a few spins that had us stumbling. We laughed aloud when we almost toppled over, and we earned a few weird stares, but we didn’t give a shit. Just as it seemed we were getting the hang of it, a voice that rang throughout the gym interrupted the song and dance.

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen,” Mr File announced from the stage. “If I may have your attention. Stop talking. Look up here please.”

“Thank god, they stopped the song.” Stan whispered in my ear as we turned to the stage. I playfully and gently hit his chest as our teacher continued.

“It is my privilege to introduce your homecoming king and queen, Jeff Butters and Julie Frasheski!”

As the homecoming royalty hopped on stage, we all clapped and cheered for them, Stan and I exchanging looks that said ‘I have no idea who these people are’. “What up, Westinghouse!” Jeff exclaimed into the microphone, his queen by his side, the both of them wearing sashes and crowns. “Yeah! Where my boys at? Whoo! Where do I begin? I wanna thank my mom for meeting my dad-”

His amusing speech was cut off by Bradley Lewis running onstage and clamping his hand over the mic. “Listen up!” He yelled as the feedback screeched. Our smiles dropped as he swayed, clearly drunk. As Mr File tried to take the mic from him, he thrashed about and moved away. “Give me a second! I would like to take this moment to talk about something very important that affects everyone here.”

“What the fuck…?” I muttered and watched as he turned to the middle of the crowd.

“Sydney Novak!” His exclamation sent a flinch through Stan and I, and I felt him tense under my hold on his arm. “Hey, Sydney! Raise your hand! Raise your hand! Give a wave so everybody can see you!” When she didn’t comply, he moved on, proceeding to pull out Sydney’s supposed diary and flipping through it, exposing all of her secrets to the whole school. He told about how at Ricky’s party, she had kissed Dina upstairs. As he spoke, he hopped off the stage and pushed past people to stalk closer to his victim, the path to her and Dina made clear. I could see the panic in Sydney’s eyes. My blood boiled at the derogatory term he used for her sexuality, but Stan was just about ready to pop. His jaw was severely clenched and his face was flushed red in anger. I felt him move forward, but kept an arm in front of him. But there was no holding him back after the next thing Brad exposed. “And my god, don’t even get me started on the daddy issues on this one. I mean, it’s fucking worse than Zip’s! And we all know about that!” That comment punched me straight in the gut and Stan ripped his arm from my hold, pushing his way through the crowd. “Everyone in Sydney’s life thinks that she’s a piece of shit. And I mean everyone!” His cackling was interrupted when Stan broke through everyone.

“Hey, man! Leave her alone!” He went to stand in front of his friend, but Brad immediately swung, his fist connecting with Stan’s face and sending him to the ground, unconscious. My breathing stuttered before I wordlessly shoved everyone out of the way, trying to get to his limp form. There were a few people separating us that wouldn’t budge. I growled as Brad continued, shaking his fist from the blow.

“But that is not even the weirdest thing about Sydney… Novak,” He took a few steps forward, and I watched as Sydney wiped a tear from her eye. This whole situation was fucked. “Get this. Sydney claims that she has-”

To this day, I have no fucking clue how it happened, but Brad’s words were cut short when his blood and brains exploded onto everyone near him. Including me. I heard nothing but white noise the second the blood platter smacked into my hair, onto my face, my dress, my shoes. Brad’s headless body fell limp to the ground, the remaining of his brains spilling out from where his head should have been. His head should’ve been there… His head should be there! I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. My eyes were glued to the bloodied corpse on the ground. I was sure everyone was screaming and running around, but I couldn’t do the same. I saw shaking Dina’s form, trembling as she moved, but my focus snapped right back to the fucking corpse. I should’ve moved. I should’ve screamed. I should’ve ran. I should have been crying and gagging and panicking, but I just… I couldn’t. I don’t know what the fuck.

“(Y/N)!” I felt a hand pulling me by the arm, but I was in such a state of shock that I blindly let whoever drag me out of the school- no, the crime scene. I felt the cool air nip at my exposed skin, but I still couldn’t have been bothered to react to anything. It wasn’t until I felt a piece of bloody meat slip down my face and disappear into my dress that I could breathe again. I let out a blood-curdling scream as I felt it run down my skin.

“It’s in my dress! It’s touching me!” I cried. The mess of curls in front of me whipped around to face me. Through my teary-eyed vision, I could make out that it was Stan. He was awake, he was fine. But I wasn’t.

“(Y/N), what’s wrong?!”

“It’s in my fucking dress!” I gagged as I felt it run down my stomach. “Stan, a piece of his fucking brain-”

He firmly grabbed me by the shoulders and rushed me to his car. I hyperventilated as he placed me in the passenger seat. Before closing the door, he reached into my dress from the bottom and slid his hand from my knees, past my thighs and planted his palm on my stomach. He gagged when his hand touched the meat, grabbing hold of it and ripping his hand from my dress, throwing the flesh to the ground. Stumbling a bit, he shut my door and rounded the car to drive. I had to ride with my window down, letting the wind blow against my face to prevent the contents in my stomach from resurfacing into Stan’s car. He drove all around town, calling out for Sydney. He would glance over at me every once and awhile when I would gag or groan, but that was it.

What a sight I was.

Do I look beautiful now, Stan?

-------------------------------------------------

When Stan decided to give up on the search for Sydney, he sped us to his house. The sirens of police cars and ambulances echoed within my empty mind. But the moment I left the car, I hurled my guts up into Stan’s yard. He caught me before I could fall and rubbed my back until I emptied my stomach. Then when I was done, I did the same for him.

I had no concept of time, I can’t remember how long we were throwing up in his front lawn, but when we were done, he guided me inside the house and down to his room. The second he let go of me to retrieve new clothes, my entire body trembled and shook uncontrollably. “S-Stan… S-S-Stan.” I whimpered out. He returned to me with clothes tucked under one of his arms. He held me by the elbow and guided me to his bathroom, sitting me down on the toilet lid before starting up the shower for me.

“Nugget? Hey, do you want me to-”

“N-No.” I don’t know why I said that. I needed him in that room with me. He was patient enough to look away as I undressed, nearly falling a few times, and stepped into the shower. He left the door slightly ajar, so I was sure he could hear my sobbing as I sat down, letting the water rinse me of Bradley Lewis’s blood and guts.

I returned to Stan in one of his sweatshirts and a pair of his sweatpants. He stood from his bed and carefully watched the way I moved. The way I slowly blinked and walked two steps at a time toward him. Silently, he lifted his covers for me to lay down. I stared at him emptily for a few beats before complying, my back facing him. I felt his lips on my neck and gladly welcomed the kiss before he whispered into my ear, “I’m gonna shower now, okay? I won’t be long.”

“Go ahead.” I nodded, my voice barely above a whisper. As Stan showered, my shaking hands reached up and freed my locks from my hair clips. I tried to keep my crying near-silent as I did so, but I wasn’t too sure how loud I was being. Within time, he had returned and laid down beside me in bed. And from the warmth I felt when his back touched mine, I could tell he was shirtless. It was painfully silent as we both unevenly breathed. I bit my fingers to keep myself from crying again. Everything about me felt unbalanced. I wanted to be beaten even. It’s what I deserved for not taking care of myself.

“Hey.” Stan’s whisper broke my train of thought.

“H-Hey…”

“You asleep?”

“No… You?”

“No.” He muttered as I felt the bed dip when he turned around to spoon me. His leg draped over mine as his arms pulled me closer. He pressed his lips to the side of my neck as he deeply inhaled. I closed my eyes and willed myself to ask the question brewing in my mind,

“Do you have any idea what the fuck happened? B-Brad just… h-he fucking…”

“I know,” He murmured against my skin, his hold tightening as well as his throat. I could tell by the way he choked on his breath. “I… I’ll explain it another day. N-Not tonight.”

As we fell asleep an hour later, I knew he’d never explain it.

—————————————

Taglist: @nate-isnt-great @sapphicsyn @stqnley @lonely-kermit @a-t-h-r-e-e-n-a @moatsnow @magicalgothpandamaker

#i am not okay with this #i am not okay with this x reader #ianowt #ianowt x reader #ianowt fanfic #ianowt stanley barber #stanley barber #stanley barber x reader #wyatt oleff #wyatt oleff x reader #forever and never

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albertasunrise · 3 years

Text

Mistakes - Chapter 4

Masterlist

You’d known it was a bad idea to get involved with Javier Peña. You were just another notch on his bedpost but you were a notch he kept revisiting. You know you should have stopped it, declined his offers to rock your world but you couldn’t and now you had to deal with the consequences. Consequences that you knew he would refuse to accept.

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Sex

Pairings: Javier Peña x Reader

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Javier had been back at work for almost two weeks.

Neither of you had spoken about that night since it had happened. Clearly, his memories returning to him had been fairly traumatic as he then struggled to know how to be around you after that. You hadn’t kissed again. You'd barely spoken. You just cohabited and you were finding it too difficult. So that's why you had come to the decision that you had.

Chucho had returned to Texas after Javier had started back at work and you had found yourself on Steve and Connie’s couch more and more, crying into one of their shoulders as you lost all hope that Javier would return to you.

You had hoped that the kiss and him, somewhat, remembering you would have helped move things forward but all it had done was make things worse and so after two weeks of silent suffering, watching him battle with his internal demons you’d decided that enough was enough. So you found yourself sitting on his couch, Alicia at the Murphy’s. You needed to be able to have a quick exit after you told him what you were about to.

Javier’s key turning in the lock grabbed your attention and after taking a few steadying breaths you stood from your seat and turned so that you were facing him as he entered, catching his eye as he looked up from throwing his coat and keys on the table.

‘Everything okay?’ He asked after a few moments, noting your nervous demeanour ‘Where’s Alicia?’

‘With Connie and Steve.’ You stated as you rubbed your sweaty palms on the front of your jeans.

‘Why?’

‘Because I need to speak with you and I didn’t want there to be any interruptions.’ You answered, your gaze never leaving him as he moved through his home, grabbings a beer from the fridge and offering you one which you refuse.

‘What do you want to talk about?’ He asked casually. If he was nervous about what you were about to say he didn’t show it.

‘I’m moving out.’ You got straight to the point and he stopped dead in his tracks, attention now on you fully.

‘What?’

‘I can’t do this anymore Javier.’ You declared, trying hard to keep your voice from wobbling ‘I can’t keep pretending that I am okay with all of this’ You continued as you signalled your hand around ‘I can’t stay here and endure the hurt of waiting for the man I love to come back to me. I thought that night that we were making progress but then you remembered a few things and now we’re back to you being closed off and distant with me.’ You paused, scrubbing a shaky hand over your face to wipe away your traitorous tears ‘So I’m done. I put in a request for a larger apartment a few days ago and it was granted.’

‘Wait so where are you moving to?’ He questioned, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

‘To a building a little closer to the embassy.’ You explained and he shook his head, anger now bubbling beneath the surface.

‘No, you can’t do this.’ He growled ‘You can’t leave. You can’t take her from me.’

‘I’m not taking her from you, Javier.’ You snapped ‘You will still be able to see her but I need to do what's best for me or I’m going to suffocate.’

‘I just need time-’

‘I’ve given you nothing but time Javi.’ You sobbed ‘Almost 3 months of it! But it’s clear to me that you regaining any memory of me is not your priority and so I need to remove myself from all this…’ You paused as you looked him dead in the eye ‘From you.’

‘Come on wait.’ He pleaded ‘Let's at least talk about this. I don’t want you to leave.’

‘Well, it doesn't feel like you want me here all the much either Javier so…’

‘When are you moving?’

‘I already have!’ You declare and his eyes grew wide before he sprinted to the nursery, noting that it's empty ‘The embassy moved mine and Alicia’s things to the new apartment today. I asked Connie to watch her whilst I spoke with you. I’ll collect her once we’re done here and that will be that.’

‘So what… You thought the best way to spring this on me was to tell me the day you’ve already left me?’

‘I didn’t expect it all to process so quickly. Give me some fucking credit Javier I have been pretty honest and upfront with you from the beginning.’ You snarled as you pointed an accusing finger at him ‘I tried to talk with you after everything and you shut me out so the way I look at it. You brought this on yourself.’

He stood there seething. Chest heaving as the two of you glared at each other, neither one breaking the intense eye contact that you were locked into. When he said nothing more you took that as your cue to leave, nothing more needed to be said.

‘Goodbye Javier.’

‘No, I’m not letting this happen.’ He sobbed, tears falling freely now as he grabbed you before you’d managed to walk out the door ‘You can’t just leave. I need you. Don't leave me.’

'You don't need me, Javier. You've made that perfectly clear.' You sob, heart breaking at the way he was looking at you but you knew it wasn't because you were leaving.

'You can't do this.'

Pulling your arm from his grasp, you shrugged your coat back into place and looked at him one final time.

‘Watch me.’

1 Month Later...

‘Where the fuck is Peña?’ You snapped, as you threw Steve a cold look.

‘He called in sick.’ He replied, shrugging his shoulders but his expression didn't match the action.

‘Sick?’ You questioned ‘What’s wrong with him this time?’

Steve shrugged again and you scoffed, downing the last of your coffee before standing and making your way out of the office you shared. You knew that Steve knew more than he was letting on but you found it difficult to care.

Things had been difficult between you and Peña since you had moved out. He’d spoken to you only to get updates on the baby and regarding work. You had agreed on a schedule where he could have her for a few hours in the evenings before Connie collected her and brought her back to you. It was easier than attempting to exchange pleasantries that neither of you wanted to share.

After refilling your coffee you stormed back into the office where your anger-filled rant continued.

‘You know that he’s refused to have Alicia the last few evenings?’ You growled as you angrily stirred your drink ‘One minute he’s begging me not to take her away and now he refuses to see her.’ You stop to take a sip of your drink before you resumed ‘And the worst part is, is that she won’t settle now because she hasn’t seen him. She got into a routine and now it's fucked. Can't the man just man the fuck up and take responsibility for his child at least?’

‘Perhaps you should cut him some slack.’ Snapped Steve, taking you by surprise ‘The man was used to seeing his infant daughter whenever he wanted and now he gets her a few hours an evening? He’s a fucking mess and no wonder. He misses his daughter, he misses you, though he’d never admit it, and he’s all alone now with very little memory of the last year of his life! I get that you’re upset but the two of you need to sort this shit out.’ He scooped up the folders on his desk and abruptly stood from his chair ‘I’m sick of watching and I’m sick of being in the middle of it. Talk to him.’

You were stunned by Steve’s outburst. You stood there frozen to the spot as you meditated on his words and you realised that you’d once again been so caught up with your own pain that you had ignored his. Grabbing your purse you fumbled around until you found what it was you had been looking for and after telling the office assistant that you needed to run an errand you were out of the door and sprinting to your truck.

You needed to speak to him.

…

It didn’t take you long to get to Javier’s apartment but after banging on the door for some time you knew he wasn't home and so you rushed up the stairs. Connie answered her door after three knocks and was shocked, to say the least, when she found you stood there.

‘What are you doing here?’ She inquired as she nervously shifted on her feet

‘I wanted to talk and to check on Alicia.’

‘Oh um…’

‘Connie, what is it?’ You questioned, noting her shifty behaviour.

‘She’s not here.’ She declared and your eyes grew wide.

‘What?’

‘She’s with Javi.’ She said as you barged past her ‘He came to see me, he was an absolute wreck and when he saw she was with me he begged me to let him have her for the day.’

‘Connie you can’t just let her go off-’

‘With her father?’ She snapped and you turned to face her ‘Hun he’s her dad and he’s been broken since you left. He hadn’t even known she was here when he arrived but when he saw her he sobbed.’

‘You should have told me.’

‘You’re right I should have and I’m sorry.’ She asserted ‘If I’m being honest I wasn't expecting you back so soon.’

‘Yeah well, I actually came to talk to Peña.’ You confessed, noting her shocked expression ‘Your husband kinda yelled at me about how I’d been acting and I realised I may have been a little harder on him than he deserved.’

‘He misses you.’

‘He misses Alicia.’ You scoffed, rolling your eyes when she shook her head.

‘Well yes but he misses you too.’ She continued, taking a seat at her kitchen table ‘He realised that he’d dealt with everything so wrong. He wanted to reach out but didn’t know how to. Over the weekend we helped him with a few things for the nursery, he wanted to get some new furniture just in case he finally got Alicia overnight and as we were building it he just broke. Sobbed his heart out to us. Please, just give him a chance to prove he’s sorry.’

You nodded as you mulled over her words, knowing that you needed to take steps to repair your fractured relationship with your child's father. Perhaps baby steps were the best way to go.

‘Okay. Can you drop Alicia off when he gets back? She’s got a check-up appointment and so do I.’

‘Sure thing you.’ Connie returned, smiling sweetly at you as she walked you to the door.

Standing by the car looking at your baby girl in her seat you felt your heart ache a little. You knew that this was the right thing to do but that hadn't made it any easier. You'd gone to your appointment and after being given the news that everything was perfect you'd gone home and prepared her a bag. A few bottles of breast milk, formula, diapers, changes of clothes and her favourite stuffed toy.

‘Right baby girl now I want you to be good for Papi okay?’ You said as you lifted her from her car seat and placed her in the carrier ‘I’m going to miss you like crazy but I know that you’ll have so much fun and I’ll see you tomorrow.’ You finished as you slung her bag over your shoulder and lifted her carrier before ascending the steps of the building you had once called home.

Making your way to his front door you knocked three times and waited.

Nothing.

You scrunched your face in confusion as you knocked again only to once again be greeted with no answer. You placed your ear on the door where you heard what sounded like Javier crying out and your stomach dropped. Without thinking you slotted the key you still had for his apartment into the lock and opened it quietly, leaving Alicia and her bag tucked safely behind the large potted plant beside his door. Pulling your gun from the holster at your waist you entered his home, weapon drawn and ready.

What received you made you sob.

Javier was laying on the floor, a redhead bear beneath him and both of them were coated in a thin layer of sweat. Your stomach twisted as you stumbled back, gun dropping to the floor with a thud which then grabbed Peña’s attention. His blissed-out expression soon turning into something completely different.

‘Shit.’ He breathed before you snapped back to reality and looked at him with an expression that broke him completely before you fumbled for your gun and turned to leave ‘Wait.’ He called out to you as he pulled on his jeans and sprinted after you, catching up as you made it to your truck, the baby in your arms ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I came to give you Alicia for the night.’ You stated, looking at him now with a stone-cold expression ‘Connie told me how broken you'd been without her and how much you missed her. I felt bad that you had only been getting her for a few hours in the evenings so thought that maybe this would cheer you up a little’ You proceeded ‘She said you missed me too but clearly that's not true.’

‘I do.’ He stated and you snorted in response before pulling open the back door to your truck, placing Alicia in her seat.

‘Right.’

‘Fuck, I do.’ He roared, instantly regretting it when Alicia started to bellow ‘Look I’m sorry you saw what you saw. It meant nothing. I met her at the bar and we got to talking and-‘

‘You ended up fucking her on the floor.’ You snapped as you threw Alicia’s bag in the footwell and started to make your way to the driver's side door 'Some things never change eh Peña?'

‘Will you just stop.’ He begged, grabbing your arms and spinning you so you were facing him.

‘Why Javier? Why should I do anything for you?’ You sobbed ‘You say you miss me? Well someone who misses someone doesn’t then proceed to fuck a randomer he meets in a bar. He tries to talk to said person and maybe work things out.’

‘Would you have talked to me?’

‘Why do you think I’m here Javier?’ You growled ‘I wanted to talk... To try and have some sort of relationship with you, for our daughter's sake whether that was friends or something more but now… Now I’m done.’

‘Can I still have her tonight?’ He pleaded, eyes then falling on his screaming infant in the back seat of your truck.

‘No.’ You spat, shoving him back and jumping into your truck before locking the doors ‘We’ll work something out but I won't have my baby around one of your whores Javier. I rule the line at that.’

Turning the ignition you threw it into drive and you disappeared, leaving him stood there staring off after you. After a few numb moments, he allowed himself to cry, hands covering his face as he fell to his knees and allowed everything he'd been holding in to flow freely and that's what it took.

Looking up at the dark stain on the concrete pavement ahead.

He remembered everything.

Part 5

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