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organized my reading notion page for 2023 and decided to dnf eat, pray, love. There are in fact some nice words, words that I needed to hear because I feel so lost in life most of the times, but in all it's not really worth to keep in reading for some sentences

will share my notion page later but feel free to send me some inspo how you use it

#klainesheilen #bookblr #books #eat pray love #elizabeth gilbert #notion #page #notion inspo #reading #dnf #did not finish

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12.12.2023

December is passing by and I haven't even progressed November yet. Anyway, there was snow and it was nice, because it was just cold, without any wind that slaps in your face no matter which way you look, or this "yea-it-is-raining-but-also-not-really-tho" (snow)rain. I might or might not have to many glasses of wine instead of doing something for university. And then I also did something for uni, feeling horrible because I couldn't enjoy my life. I got The Secret History for free from one of these free libraries at my university. I've had an eye on it for much longer and now I finally own it, will probably and hopefully read it over my Christmas break. I have a lot of deadlines ahead so I should focus on them now

#klainesheilen #personal #personal journal #the secret history #december #diary #online diary #academia #university #studyblr

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07.12.2022

yesterday I had my first presentation. It went good. My biggest problem is that I'm talking way to fast (if I talk in English I stutter on top of that). Can't tell if that is linked to my anxiety or if I'm just such a person?

#personal #academia #university #studyblr #self journey #literature #presentation #study #klainesheilen

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finished Lolita yesterday and I give it 4 stars. I know, I know how this make me look, but you have to understand that the writing added a lot to it. The writing filled me with disguist and disturbance and I can only recommend it to people who love descriptive writing that awakens the creeps in you

#klainesheilen #bookblr #lolita #vladimir nabokov #books #book #book review

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the tulips I got myself had a little voyage

#klainesheilen #tulips #personal

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internships

found in my drafts, it looks like I have forgotten to post it

I hate internships and by this I don’t mean the internships I’d do itself, I rather hate the whole process before. Sitting down, making research about the place(s) you want to apply to and the worst actually writing the application. The thought of it alone exhausts me so much, ugh. But why is it like that? I have the feeling that writing about myself and give them reasons why I am THE candidate for them is just a huge lie. Or at least I have told myself that. The way I write in applications do not represent who I am, it’s more about a version of me which they want to hear about. And I have to problems with this application writing;

one: There is something in me (BPD is this you?), that tells me I'm lying. I’m not an enthusiastic person, who works well with other people and enjoys learning about new stuff and things that challenge me are only a motivation to keep on. I can be this person and sometimes I'm just some parts of this person at a time, but what the voices in my head are telling me is “You are a piece of shit, you know it and they will also know it once they have read this crap that you have just written. So why applying in the first place?”.

two: ok, I think it’s more about me self-sabotaging myself. I think I make it so hard for myself before I have even started to do anything, so that I won’t start at all. Having this voice telling me over and over and over again that there is no point to begin with… it’s exhausting and demotivating. I mean, it took me a week to finally sit down and to just have a look at the publication company only to find out that they already don’t search for any new applications. If I only sat down. If I only wrote this application. I’m sabotaging myself. I don’t deserve this. I wouldn't deserve this. Gosh, why am I doing this to myself? Am I that much afraid of adulthood? As a 26 year old? Or am I simply afraid of a my future? But why so? I’m staring at my monitor and can’t think of a reason. Not even a dumb one. (minutes are passing by). Usually I’m afraid of what people think of me, but if I got a big girlboss job why should they judge me in any negative way? Even now that I'm studying and working part time as a waitress people are still proud of me. Or not proud, but they support me. I just can’t find a reason for this self-sabotaging behavior.

Interesting what a turn the actual idea of the blog post has made. I wanted to write about internships, that I see why they can be important for some people, but also about unpaid internships and that you have to work full time for a minimum of three months and not even get paid for it. How one should survive in such conditions? How should one pay rent? Pay life? Pay food? Just so one can add this experience to their CV. I wanted to write about this and I ended up with a question that I can not answer about myself and my self-sabotaging behavior.

so this was from the end of November or something in December. I can't really tell, and since then I have sent two applications in the publication industry. One to an unpaid internship that I have to do for at least three months and a paid one that would also want me to work for the same time period. Well, they haven't even answered, but the unpaid one mailed me back and after some correction and translation they've decided that they want me. And I am happy, I guess, it's just I can't tell why I am not ~that~ happy with it. Anyway, maybe it's the self-sabotage again. Maybe it's a gutfeeling (from my self-sabotage, lol), but my internship starts 1st February, so I will keep you updated on my thoughts and impressions.

#personal #journal #klainesheilen #internship #publication #publication industry #relfection #self journey

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my period effecting my body, tea and poetry. (and in the background you hear softly playing a rock christmas playlist)

yesterday I started reading Women without Shame: Poems by Sandra Cisneros and oh boy I have thoughts. I usually do not read poems because I find it hard to read. A single (good) poem contains so much meaning in so little space and then you move on to the next. But with Women without Shame? When a poem hits, it REALLY hits. You can really feel how she tries to come in term with her aging body, with her femininity and her not having children. Reading about her struggle of being American and Mexican and finding home and peace. I had to put the book down, because it has awoken so many feelings and thoughts in me I had to process it before moving to the next poem. I can see that some people will struggle with the writing style, because there is some code switching going on here and there, where the author uses Spanish words or even phrases. And I have to defend this use, because it only stresses how it is to grow up in/with two different cultures.

I really recommend it because it reads like advices from the spiritual grandma we sometimes all need. 4.5 stars.

"I was/am/always will be a romantic.

Which is the same as saying: I fall in love all by myself."

#bookblr #books #book review #poem #poems #women without shame #sandra cisneros #thoughts #klainesheilen

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18th to 21st December

this is a productivity post and the pictures I have chosen are not productive at all (rest is also a form of productivity). Anyway a little rewind of my week so far:

18. December

two classes in the morning got cancelled, so I went to the library to start doing research on my paper (searching for secondary literature, printed essays that sounded usefull)

Spanisch class, and afterwards I had a 2 hour train ride to see and spend time with my boyfriend (last time before Christmas). Invited him to a date (:

19. December

finished my Spanish presentation and practiced it, after that I started reading an essay (out of five I have printed out)

appointment at my psychriatist

2 hour train ride back home (love mid long relationships) where I read twilight for a class

20.December

day filled with uni (had my presentation in Spanish)

ended my day by going to a reading of an author (unfortunately I couldn't stay till the end because I depend on a bus to get back home and they don't drive after 8pm)

21. December

had two classes in the morning

picked my Christmas gift from myself for myself up of the post office (Sylvia Plath)

read the rest of the essays I have copied, took notes and highlighted, I think I have formed my thesis for the paper AND I wrote a to do for tomorrow

will relax by listening to Christmas smut and crocheting (:

22.December (in theory)

Gym in the morning

going to uni to work on my paper aka do more research

#personal #bookblr #books #academia #university #diary #studyblr #productivity #uni life #essay #klainesheilen

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wintertime sadness

I know that we are in autumn, but that’s my way of being funny. So yea, I like autumn, I love seeing these colorfull trees, love to see how it starts getting colder so I can wear flannels, hoodies, sweaters, love getting cozy in my bed with a book and a hot drink. There is so much I love about autumn, but I hate that in the past few years with every October I’m getting into a seasonal depression. It is even harder when university starts and I have firstly get into my new routine. Everything feels so chaotic, unorganized. The feeling of meaninglessness hits quite after. Combined with an emptiness. It seems - no it is like I can’t enjoy autumn.

University, work, university, work, getting some readings done in the library, university, writing and answering emails, university, work. I went to the gym one day this week, but I couldn’t enjoy it. Was it because of the idea that I could have been productive in an academic way instead? Or does my depression takes/took all the joy of the things I enjoy usually? For weeks now I’m feeling exhausted, it doesn’t matter what I do I have the feeling if I close my eyes for a second too long I’ll fall asleep immediately. But then in the evening I'm lying in my bed and CANT fall asleep.

What can I do to change the feeling back into enjoying autumn? This question is stuck in my head for some days now. I’m looking at this week. I mean, I enjoy getting stuff for university done, but I know that this is more of a coping thing rather than doing it because I enjoy it (Like yes, I enjoy it, but I know myself that right now I'm doing it mainly to overwork myself so I don’t have to think my thoughts). I bought some vitamin D pills. I haven’t took them before, but I think it is worth trying since this seasonal depression comes back each year (But then: will they actually help or are they just helping because I tell myself so?). To be honest, it’s hard for me to list things I could do to enjoy autumn again. Sure I can be like:

go for a walk in the forest (ugh, the weather is too rainy and windy lately)

make/get yourself a hot beverage (uh, ok, then what?)

lit a candle and start reading (seriously, what is the point?)

PUMPKIN SOUP (already made one and here I’m still writing about enjoying autumn)

etc …

In the morning when I want to put on new underwear, but can’t find any fresh ones, I look at my pile of dirty laundry, think “Oh boy, I’m in an episode again” and debate if it’s easier to make the laundry or to take the bus to the city to get new ones.

During the day I realize I should eat, but then I look and at all the used dishes that I have collected in my sink. “Gosh, I should get my shit together”. I’ll do them later will I?, but now let me have some ricecakes with peanutbutter.

In the evening I want to do some yoga, just like I told myself over the whole day. I roll out the mat. And there are to many thoughts in my brain, on my mind. I give up and want to read in my bed a book instead. As I open the book I realize how exhausted I actually am. “I can’t even keep my eyes open.“ I go to sleep and stay awake.

Restless night. Next day and it feels like a repeat.

So yea, I’m in an episode right now and I don’t know how to enjoy autumn anymore. Help?

#klainesheilen #autumn #academia #personal #personal journal #journal #diary #healing #seasonal depression #self journey #self growth

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I like the start of a new semester but a thing I hate is the depressive episode I get thrown into each time

like yay, finally I have a routine back in my life but noooo changes in my life

#klainesheilen #personal #personal journal #academia #semester

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My boss wanted to throw this away because it was missing some screws. I asked if I could have it and take it home, as you can see she allowed it.

Screwed it into pieces. I don't have any tools, but I was able to do it without (besides this one wheel). This was also a sign that I should invest in some tools, all I own rn are three screwdrivers in the same size.

After finishing the sides and half of a rack, I had to go to the hardwood store (again) to get some more paint and new screws so I could replace the missing ones. It was a weird feeling to be in the store, but I made it without any help. I have finished one more rack, will continue tomorrow

#klainesheilen #diy #diy projects

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cr: The Death of Vivek Oji and Girl, Woman Other

#personal #bookblr #books #academia #klainesheilen #own pics #my pics #the death of vivek oji #girl woman other

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Last weekend I spent time with my boyfriend and he called me egoistic and I should be mad, but I wasn't. I was happy. Happy that I am finally in a relationship where I can set boundaries, a relationship where my partner isn't my one and only, the sun in my universe.

My boyfriend called my egoistic and I'll give you the full context of our conversation now: after not seeing each other for two weeks, he picked me up and we chatted in the car about our recent happenings, feelings, whatever we wanted to tell the other person in person rather via a mesagge. I told him about my thoughts on the Barbie movie, that I've seen with a friend. I told him about the movie and of the cinema itself, that their seats are way more comfy than the ones in our city.

"Damn, comfy seats, please tell me you had nachos." he said.

"Yes. And omg the cheese dip, you would have loved it !" I hesitated, and added "There was even a left over, I took it home." A pause. "You know, I was so close to bring it with me, but when I had put it into my bag I thought "Well, duck him, I'll keep it for a self care day alone!"" I said emberresed.

"You egoist !!!" A pause. "But I'm happy that I'm not the only egiost in our relationship. I have to confess you that my mother got us chocolate and I ate like half of it first... then more and then I left you like a tiny part. So now I don't feel bad anymore. (:"

Surely, something deep down in me was a little mad that he ate most of the chocolate (mad not even being the right word), but then I couldn't care any less. I'm starting to think about myself. I can finally make the first steps to give up on what people might like/enjoy/want and treat myself instead. It is just a cheese dip. But this little moment made it so much more for me. It's the symbol of being egoistic (in a healthy amount (hopefully)) so I can think of what I want, what I want to enjoy just for myself, what I need.

The cheese dip is still untouched in my fridge, and I have the feeling that I will share it with him some day anyway, but right now I'm happy about the person I'm becoming.

#personal #journal #diary #online diary #kleinesheilen #klainesheilen #self journey

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I'm worring and therefor stressing out about the fact that I either have to work or have uni each Saturday in May. How am I supposed to find time to relax in May? And how am I supposed to find time to spend with my boyfriend who lives 2 hours away?

screamig, crying and throwing up

#personal #thoughts #klainesheilen

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17.04.2023

ahhh, to life and enjoy such a simple life with nice food, cute outfits and ten hours of university

#personal #academia #university #diary #online diary #food #art #drawing #doodle #myself #klainesheilen

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10.04.2023

Last week I started to take my antidepressants again and I don't know how to feel about it. Or how I feel at all. From the first day I saw changes in my sleep. First I blamed it on the one week vacation that I had with my boyfriend, my sleep scheduel was, well not really messed up, but different from my usual one. I had no reason to wake up at 6-7 am to go to the gym and then study. I could sleep in. (I also caught a cold, so that was def a reason that my sleep scheduel was different) But after a week back to my reguar life I think that it's the meds that make going out of bed so hard. I hear my alarm and just can't. It feels like my eyes are glued together. "No! Let me have this peace, this darkness filled with nothingness a little longer. Maybe forever." Not only coming out of bed is hard, it's the first time in a very long time that I'm not waking up multiple times in the night and then struggle to fall back asleep. Experiencing that is different, it feels wrong. My boyfriend is happy about this. And I know that I should be too, but I can't. It is simply wrong for me to fall asleep around him so easily, to not waking up at night what feels like every hour and now having so much struggle to get out of bed.

Taking antidepressants is a weird thing. Are these my thoughts or are my meds the reason why they pop up? Would I've thought them without my meds too? And why do I wan't to chat with people all of the sudden? It's the antidepressants, right? Or is it the real me? The one I would be without my depression? Who am I actually? Will the antidepressants change my personality? Or am I like this deep down? It's so hard to me to work on these questions or on myself when I don't have a professional whom I can work with. The one who prescribed me them told me that his next open slot is in end of July. He told me to look for someone else (in general he was so weird to work with) and I'm trying but they either don't have slots open or don't pick their phone up. I'm desperate. I'm trying. I really want to change. But already getting so many rejactions before it even started is unmotivating to me. It pushes me down and leaves me there crying because I don't know what to do.

#personal #diary #journal #journaling #self journey #antidepressants #online diary #klainesheilen