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hyunnows · 3 years

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"because you're a part of it" | knj

Edit Credit: [btsaesthete_]

► PAIRING: Namjoon x reader

► CONTENT/WARNINGS: self-doubt, tiny bit of angst, fluff, comfort(?)

► RATING: pg13

► WORD COUNT: 1.75k

► SUMMARY: would you use the prompt ‘i love my life because you’re apart of it’ for namjoon from bts?

► A/N: yes, yes I would little anon. I really hope you enjoy this! It's pretty short only because I wanted to finish it up, but I still hope I was at least along the lines of what you wanted! Positive affirmations at the end!

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“Why is he dating her? She’s only holding him back.”

You frowned as you remembered the woman’s words replayed in your mind. You didn’t know her, but you knew she was talking about you–not that she tried to hide her pointed glare in any way. The worst part was you weren’t sure if you could disagree with her statement. You were nobody, dating one of the biggest somebodies in what was now the worldwide music industry, Kim Namjoon of BTS.

Were you holding him back in his career, or even, as a person? Thinking about it for a bit, your frown deepens. On several occasions, you'd asked him to change wardrobe for performances that made you feel possessive of him–sometimes they were just too exposing for your liking.

Then you remembered the time he missed a performance because you broke your arm, then when he canceled plans with friends to be with you. He’d missed so many great opportunities, just for you?

I'm a horrible girlfriend.

He's perfect and I don't even belong in his league.

Hearing the door creak open, realizing you'd let the food start to burn during your guilt party. Quickly turning off the stove and covering the pan with a lid, you rush to greet your boyfriend.

”Hey Joon,” you smile, planting a kiss on his cheek whilst removing his jacket, your heart fluttering when he returned the chaste gesture.

Pulling the coat from your hands and hanging it, he grins, eyes turning to crescents, “Hey babe, what’re you cooking? It smells great,” he tries to reach for the wooden spoon in your hand, only for you to pull it back playfully.

Wagging your finger in front of you, you shake your head, “Nothing special, just some japchae. It’s done already, a little burnt but I think it’ll be fine,” your voice quieted at the last part. You can’t even cook right, what a great match you are for the amazing Namjoon! Your subconscious sneered sarcastically.

Zoned out, you fail to notice Namjoon’s worried gaze. You were always so happy and–he meant this in the nicest way possible–clingy to him, and he couldn't help but assume something was up. Blinking a few times, you guide him to the dining room, serving him a plate of the stir-fry and plating one for yourself, as sitting parallel to him.

He chuckled at the browning edges of the noodles, before taking a heavy spoonful(chopstick-full?) into his mouth, savoring the flavor. Though Seokjin was the resident master chief of bangtan, he had nothing on your dishes to Namjoon. Cook a pile of crap and he'd eat every bite–exaggerated but he didn't know how else to describe his love for your cooking.

Already half done with his own, the tall male eyes your plate, which was still full. Dropping his chopsticks, he frowned, ”What's wrong, [Y/N]?” startling you out of your trance with his deep, worried voice.

Faking a smile, you finally pick up your utensils and eat a bit of the noodle-dish, ”Nothing Joon, I'm great! How's the food?”

”It's delicious, you deserve an award for this masterpiece,” giving you his wide, closed mouth grin. Seeing your dismissive nod, his brightened expressions faltered, ”Babe? I can tell you're not fine. Please tell me what's up.”

”I promise, I'm fine,” rolling your eyes to emphasize how done you were with the subject. Thinking for a moment, you strategically steer the conversation, ”How was practice? Did you and Yoongi finish that song?”

Nodding, he stuffs the last bite into his mouth, taking his plate to the sink and washing it. He's so perfect, you think, watching as he didn't hesitate to begin washing the other dishes you'd used while cooking. Swallowing, he chuckles, ”Yeah, I was kinda stuck but he managed to finish it up.”

”That's good.”

Moving to the living room and dropping any conversation, for now, the two of you sat in a silence that you weren't sure whether or not was comfortable.

Racking his exceptional brain for what could be bothering you, he groaned in frustration when he turned up empty. He hadn't been neglecting you, you'd just had a date just yesterday, and he'd made sure to come home punctually and spend as much time with you as he could. He didn't think you were bored with him, the way your eyes sparkled at him was enough to reassure him. Maybe he was being too affectionate? You did seem kinda ticked about him asking what was wrong.

Sighing, he decided that must be it. You wanted space–but probably didn’t want to hurt his feelings. You were such a considerate girlfriend to put up with that just so that you didn’t hurt his feelings. He didn’t deserve someone as amazing as you.

Should he ask you to sit? Or should he just apologize right off the bat and give you space? No, the latter would make you feel too guilty, he knew that. Then he realized he was stuck in an endless loop of overthinking, and that you’d probably be able to choose if you wanted to sit or not on your own. He shuddered a bit. Giving you space felt weird.

Standing beside the sofa for a second, you can’t help the uneasy feeling that bubbled inside you when Namjoon didn’t ask if you wanted to sit next to him. Maybe, you thought, he was annoyed you refused to answer his question. Great going [Y/N], now he’s upset with you. Shuffling to the loveseat–one he’d bought you last year as an anniversary gift–you awkwardly glance at him, before turning to the television.

Even with the TV playing in the background, the silent tension was so thick a knife you cut it.

Beginning to doze off, you do your best to keep your eyes open, making Namjoon chuckle. You were so adorable, and looked so small curled up on the seat he couldn’t help the dimple-filled smile that took over his face. “Let’s get to bed.”

“In a minute,” you yawn, waving your hand at him, signaling he was free to go. At first, he was confused, before he realized you didn’t need him to tell you to go to bed, and how controlling he probably sounded on a daily. Cling and controlling, that puts two things on the list of what was wrong with him.

Nodding silently, he strolled off to the bedroom the two of you shared, quickly changing into sweats and removing the shirt he’d worn almost all day–except for at practice, that’d just be disgusting. You, on the other hand, were engrossed in an article you’d found about halfway into the movie you weren’t sure was actually entertaining.

Free cooking, art, yoga, and dance classes! Better yourself today!

Well, they surely advertised themselves well.

Taking a screenshot of the address and contact information, you flicked off the flat screen and finally made your way to the room Namjoon decorated so beautifully. It wasn’t expected, but your boyfriend had surprisingly good design skills and an amazing aesthetic that fit both of you perfectly. Yet another thing he was great at to add to the list of why you couldn’t match up to him.

You think about the living room, how quiet it had been when you were watching the movie. Namjoon didn't seem mad, but something must be bothering him. He was always so considerate and caring, always asking how you felt and how he could help. One way to become someone worthy of him would be to do the same, right?

You tap his shoulder gently, his bare chest turning to face you with droopy, tired eyes, ”Yes babe?” he yawned, getting comfortable facing you.

Propping yourself on your elbow, you get under the covers, staring at him with concern, ”Are you okay Namjoon? You seemed stressed or worried–did I upset you?” your voice in a gentle whisper.

”No of course not…” he sighed. A smart man he was, and so he knew he had to tell you before something dramatic happened between you two. ”I just, am I too clingy?”

Flabbergasted, your wide eyes gape at him, Too clingy? Yes, Namjoon was definitely a koala, but that was something you adored about him. He wanted to play with your hair? You aren't even going to hesitate in letting him. Cuddle you all night, even if his body heat was getting too much? Please, you craved the affection.

Shaking your head frantically at the question, your heart clenched at his puppy-like look, ”Joonie no, I love how cuddly you are! Why would you think that?”

”You just seemed ticked today, I thought that was why…”

Inhaling loudly, you pinch the bridge of your nose. ”I wasn't ticked, just, I was feeling… Inadequate?” you hesitated in telling him, knowing how Namjoon got when it came to self-love.

Picking his head from the pillow and leaning on his arm, he furrowed his brows in confusion. ”Why? How could you be inadequate at anything?”

Flushing at the comment, you shrug, “It's just–you're so amazing. You can sing, dance, rap, you're the smartest person I know, I just don't think I can measure up to that.”

“Yeah but babe, I don't even dance or sing that much or that well, and talents don't define a person's worth–”

“That too! You're so caring and level headed, and so considerate. And I don't even want to get started with physical appearances. And I just feel horrible when I think there's someone much more worthy of your love. That I'm just holding you back from how amazing your life could be. I just ruin it.”

Hearing a silence, your lip trembles at the thought that maybe, you'd opened his eyes. Now he was going to break up with you, and go date some rich, beautiful, talented girl.

Instead, you felt strong arms embrace your body, holding you to his muscular chest, ”There is nobody else who's worthy of the love I give you. I love my life because you're a part of it.”

Feeling your lip tremble harder, you hit him back, desperately trying not to burst into tears at his confession. You felt him chuckle when a tear escaped your eyes, wetting his shoulder. ”Baby don't cry.”

”I-I’m not!” you argued, sniffling as you broke into giggles. Feeling his muscles strain, he rolled onto his back, pulling you to lay comfortably atop him while simultaneously kissing your forehead affectionately.

”I love you [Y/N], you're so amazing, strong and beautiful, don't ever think less of yourself. G’night.”

”I love you more, night Joonie.”

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