#like a week ago he was sent to the hospital because his kidneys just failed and the doctors said nah dude he's on his deathbed. better | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dreamescapeswriting · 4 years

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BTS Reaction || You’re Sick and another member notices

Seokjin:

You weren’t the one to complain when you got sick, you would suffer in silence and wait for it to go away, there was no use complaining about something that no one could do anything about but that was until now, you hadn’t left your bed in two days, you told Jin over the phone you were busy with work and that’s why you couldn’t come and see him at practice, or in the studio or at the dorms. You promised you’d be round as soon as work calmed down. You didn’t want to bother him with a silly sickness bug you’d caught, it was nothing and you were going to rest up until it went away.

(X)

“Y/N! I’m here for Jin’s hoodie, the pink one!” You didn’t even move when you heard Namjoon calling your name, you just rolled over in the bed to check the time on the small clock.

“Joon…it’s 5 am why are you here?” You groaned as he opened the bedroom door, he stared at you as you laid there.

“You okay?!” His voice full of concern, he rushed to your side of the bed feeling your forehead and trying to pull the covers off you, you were dripping in sweat but you felt so cold in yourself.

“Joon it’s freezing, leave me alone.” You whimpered trying to fight for the covers but failing because you felt so weak, you just laid your head back down and he ran off into the en-suite, coming back a few seconds later holding the first aid box, he pulled out the thermometer and put it under your arm.

“How long have you been like this?!” He questioned going to get a cold flannel and some water, coming back and trying to cool you off, you stayed silent.

“I don’t know, two days? I told Jin two days ago I would be round later.” You whispered trying to push the flannel off your head but he kept it there.

“Y/N…That was four days ago, have you drank anything? Eaten?” He was panicking now and you could tell, you frowned shaking your head.

“I can’t keep anything down.” He took out his phone, you presumed he was trying to call Jin and let him know what was going on.

“Hi, yes I need an ambulance please, right away….” He went on telling them the address while you tried to stop him,

“No, no hospitals please, Joon I’m fine.” He looked at you with a raised eyebrow and then poked your side gently and you screamed out in agony, it felt as though he’d sucker-punched you in the side.

“Yeah I think my friend might be having kidney failure, her lips have a blue tint, she’s not eating or drinking, the temperature is abnormal, thank you.” He hung up and then dialled for Jin,

“Jin I’m going to take her to the hospital, no…no, meet us there, an ambulance is coming, they said five minutes…yes, okay I’ll tell her.” He hung up and helped you sit up in the bed.

“Jin said he loves you and when you’re better he’s going to kill you for lying to him.” You let out a soft giggle before laying your head down on Namjoon’s shoulder, you wanted to just sleep in the bed.

“Kidney failure?” You questioned as you waddled down the stairs together, he sat you down on the last one, grabbing some shoes and helping you get into them.

“Yeah, you’ll be fine. They’ll put you on a drip, and keep an eye on you until they go back up, could take about a week. You should have told one of us you were sick!” He ordered, you hummed closing your eyes and laying your head against the wall.

“Next time I’m sick, I’ll tell you.”

Yoongi:

Yoongi had been working late again at the studios, you didn’t mind, you were used to it by now. He did it a lot and you loved that he was so passionate about his job. Normally when he got so into his work he would stay over at the studio, so you would send food down for him, to be delivered by Hoseok who would come to your place to pick it up and take it with him on his way, but today was different. You slept through your three alarms, finally got up when the fourth one woke you up, you headed straight to the kitchen, taking some painkillers for the killer headache you had, and then began cooking some lunch for Yoongi.

“Shit.” You whispered as you started to feel dizzy from the headache, you knew it was a migraine the second the dizzy spell hit you and the light began to hurt your eye, you pushed on trying to finish the pasta dish you were making before boxing it up for Hoseok to take with him.

“Hey, I’m here what’s on the menu for today?” You did you best to fake feeling fine in front of him, knowing that he if knew you were sick he would tell Yoongi and he would come home, you didn’t want to distract him from his work when he was in the zone.

“I made him some pasta, tell him I’m sorry it’s not much but I’m busy today.” You lied looking at Hoseok as you handed him the seven tubs of pasta, one for each member and smiling at him.

“You okay? You look a little tired.” You nodded, faking a quick yawn and looking at the clock.

“Didn’t sleep much last night, lots to do today.” You were pushing him out of the front door and as soon as he was in his car and driving off you turned off all the lights and went to lay on the sofa, wanting to relax your eyes for a little bit, your head was throbbing and the pain felt as though someone was taking a knife to your skull, you laid your head down on the cool leather and wanted the pain to go away, you felt as though you couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

(X)

Hoseok walked through the front door two hours later carrying some empty containers and he found you on the sofa, fully clothed, laying on top of the blankets, a pillow over your eyes and painkillers on the table, he came to the side of you and gently shook your arm trying to wake you up.

“You okay?” His voice sounded louder than usual thanks to the extreme headache you were having, you wanted to cry when he moved the pillow from your eyes and the light hit you.

“Hobi no.” You whimpered, shielding your face from the light, he got up to turn them off and you relaxed a little more.

“When was the last time you took anything?” He questioned looking down at the bottle of water and painkillers, you wanted to shrug your shoulders but your entire body was aching.

“Come on, we’ll put you to bed and I’ll call Yoongi.” He whispered bending down to pick you up, he threw one of your arms over his shoulder and carried you bridal style up the staircase and into your shared bedroom with Yoongi, he laid you in the bed and covered you up, moving over to the blackout curtains to draw them shut,

“Tell him not to worry, to focus on his work. I don’t want him to be distracted because of me.” You managed to say before falling asleep again snuggled against a pillow that smelt like your boyfriend.

Hoseok:

Being Yoongi’s little sister wasn’t always so easy, especially when you were dating one of his best friends, when you first started dating Hoseok he was protective, not of you though, his little sister, of his best friend. You remember the time you told him you were going on a date with Hobi, he went onto a long speech about how if you broke his heart, sister or not he would break your face, you told him you’d liked Hobi for a while and weren’t planning on breaking his heart.

(X)

“You said you weren’t going to break his heart!” You heard someone yell from beside your bed, you groaned rolling over to find your brother standing in the bedroom door of your apartment, you wanted to scream at him but your throat felt as though it was closing up.

“I haven’t broken anyone’s heart.” You managed to whisper out to him, but he wasn’t listening he came further into the room.

“Do you know how annoying it is to have Hobi in my studio every day asking why you haven’t called him? Or text him? Or sent him a selfie for the last five days!” He yelled you pushed him off the bed as he sat down next to you and you pulled the covers over your head.

“The least you could do is tell him you don’t want to see him anymore instead of ghosting him!” You had enough and sat up in the bed,

“I haven’t broken his heart! I’m sick Yoongi! My throat feels like it’s about to close up, my eyes haven’t stopped watering, my nose is like a god damn tap and I feel so sick all the time!” You squeaked out in an attempt at a yell, you laid back down crying out as your throat hurt even more now, Yoongi looked at you properly now, you were laying in one of Hoseok’s shirts, which you were drowning in it was so big, and all around you were tissues, and water bottles, multivitamin tubs and some other cold and flu relief pills.

“I-I didn’t know.” He said as he came over to you, he put his hand on your forehead and you slapped it away not wanting him to come near you.

(X)

He came back into the bedroom carrying a tray, on the tray was a bowl of chicken soup, the kind your mum made when you were kids, a new box of cold and flu tablets, water, orange juice and a DVD collection of old children’s movies, he set the tray down on the bedside table.

“I’m dying.” You said to him as he climbed onto the bed next to you,

“I highly doubt that, come on-up you go.” He pulled you into a seating position and you took the tablets he’d given you.

“I told Hobi you’re not mad or anything with him, that you were just sick and hadn’t told anyone like the dumbass you are.” He stated before going over and turning on the TV that was in your room, he set up a movie for you and got back into the bed next to you.

“What are you doing? You’ll get sick.” He shook his head and pointed at the TV.

“I’m looking after my baby sister so shut up and watch the damn movie.”

Namjoon:

You were at the dorms with all of the boys, you were trying to have a movie day with them since they would be going away soon, you got along amazingly with every member, your boyfriend Namjoon you got along best with but you were also really close with Taehyung, he was like a brother to you, and it was nice to have a connection with one of them, you were halfway through the first movie when you started feeling sick and gross, so you excused yourself, going to Namjoon’s room to have a lay down for a little while, you didn’t want to bother the boys with your problems, you knew what was wrong so you just needed a little nap.

(X)

“Y/N? You alright?” You woke up to Tae coming into the room with a bottle of water for you, you rubbed your eyes and sat up in the bed making room for him to sit down beside you, he handed you the bottle and you drank from it.

“They’re making food, you want anything?” You smiled, feeling a lot better than you did before and got off the bed following him towards the kitchen where you found Jimin and Jin arguing over something, Yoongi cooking away at the hob, Hobi, Namjoon and Jungkook were nowhere to be seen.

“Gone to get snacks,” Tae said as he noticed you looking around, Yoongi spotted you and called you over, letting you taste the soup he was making.

“What do you think?” You went to try it but the smell hit you first and you instantly felt sick again, you smiled at him before rushing off to the en-suite in Joonie’s room.

“Can’t be that bad?!” You heard Yoongi yell before you slammed the bathroom door, your head in the toilet bowl.

(x)

Tae was sat behind you holding your hair back as you threw up into the toilet, you cringed at the thought of him seeing you like this and threw up again.

“You didn’t even taste it.” He joked trying to lighten the mood, you pulled away from the toilet and flushed it, going to the sink and brushing your teeth with the toothbrush you kept there for when you stayed over.

“You caught a stomach bug or something?” You spat out the toothpaste and washed off your face, debating with yourself, you turned to look at him and shook your head.

“It'snotastomachbugihavemorningsicknesscauseimpregnantbutdon'tknowhowtotellJoonie.” You rushed out, he blinked at you confused by what you’d tried to say to him.

“Morning sickness…I’m…I’m pregnant and I don’t know how to tell Joonie.” You admitted, sitting on the edge of the bathtub and looking at him, he had a smile on his face.

“I’m the first one to know?” He questioned sitting beside you, you nodded.

“Besides the doctor and myself, yeah.” He smiled pulling your head to lay down on his shoulder.

“You have to tell him though.” You nodded, sipping on the water from before and closing your eyes.

“I guess I just wanted to let him be a carefree manchild a little while longer.”

Jimin:

“Jungkook, leave me alone I’m fine!” You said as you crawled back into the bed you would normally share with your boyfriend but he was busy at work for the day leaving you at home with the youngest of the boys who had taken the day off to “play video games,” but you knew it was just so he could annoy you all day, something he could do very well, like something a younger brother could do except you weren’t related you were just really close friends since you were the same age.

“You are not fine! I’ve just heard you throw up three times!” He yelled coming into the bedroom, you threw a pillow in his direction, missing dramatically, he picked it up and came over to you.

“I’m fine, it’s just a bug.” You stated as you snuggled into the pillows below you, he sighed looking at you. Your eyes were bloodshot, your skin was warmer than usual and you were looking pasty.

“I’m calling Jimin.” He threatened, reaching for his phone,

“You touch that phone and it will be the last thing you ever do golden maknae.” You warned sending him an evil glare, you didn’t want Jimin to worry and if he got word of you being the smallest bit sick he would drop everything to come and care for you, which is not what he needed. He needed to focus on work right now.

(X)

You’d fallen asleep next to Jungkook in the bed, you were under the covers while he laid on top of them, drawing invisible patterns into your skin as you tried not to think of how sick you were feeling, you ended up falling asleep together and now you were sitting in the bed as he tried to force-feed you soup as if he was your parental figure.

“It’ll make you feel better.” You took the bowl out of his hands and tried to eat he’d made, you didn’t want to seem ungrateful for what he was doing for you but after one spoonful you felt worse than before, all you wanted to do was lay down and sleep until the bug went away like you normally would but he wasn’t having any of it.

“You’ll get sick if you stay here.” You warned him as he sat beside you again, you laid your head on his lap and he shook his head.

“You’re like a sister to me and since Jimin is busy I’m going to look after you.”

(X)

Jimin walked into the room a few hours later and found you both asleep, back to back as you snuggled into a Chimmy plushie and Jungkook snuggled against a pillow, he scoffed at the sight before noticing the bottles of water, sick bucket and painkillers next to your side of the bed, he woke Jungkook up quietly and replaced him, spooning against you and leaving a small kiss on your neck.

“Missed you Jiminie.” You whispered, trying not to get to close to him, not wanting him to get sick as well.

Taehyung:

Taehyung was out around Amsterdam while you stayed back in the hotel room, you and Tae had been dating for two years and you knew you didn’t have to spend every waking moment together so when he brought you to Amsterdam with them it was a nice break, but you knew you could both go off and do different things since some of the things you wanted to do weren’t what he wanted to do. You had planned to go out around Amsterdam finding all the best beauty shops and buying out face masks and other pamper items for yourself, as well as getting all of the boys some gifts but those plans were ruined when you realised you’d caught a cold, not just any cold but the flu, you were coughing and sneezing every few seconds and you felt like death. Taehyung had left the hotel room before finding out you were sick which was good, you didn’t want to ruin his holiday, you instead planned to have a giant bubble bath, and make yourself sleep all day until the flu left your body, but that plan also wasn’t going to work because Jin decided to come and sit with you for the day.

“Jin I’m an adult I can look after myself.” You tried to defend but he wasn’t moving, he sat down on the bed and turned on the large hotel room TV and found a movie for you both to watch together.

“You’re sick and I’m sick, it’s the best way to spend the day.” You sat down next to him and rolled your eyes.

“I’m only sick because of you, if you hadn’t have gotten sick I wouldn’t be in this mess.” You said to him, which was true. He’d gotten the flu when you stopped in England for a week and kept coming near you when you told him to stay away, eventually, the flu passed onto you.

(X)

“Drink it!” He ordered trying to force a spoon of black liquid into your mouth, you pushed his hand away spilling the contents onto the white bedsheets and screaming, running into the bathroom trying to lock the door but it wouldn’t lock.

“You ruined the sheets!” He yelled coming over to you, you were backed against a wall and had no other way out of the room, you bent down onto your knees and tried to cover your mouth but he came and bent down in front of you.

“Drink it or I will pry open your mouth and pour it down your throat.” You looked at the black liquid and shook your head, it was some cold and flu relief he found online and picked up, it was supposed to be really good and he wanted you both to take it.

“You’ll get Tae infected if you don’t.” You groaned opening your mouth and letting him pour it in.

“Swallow.” You whined as the thick liquid went down the back of your throat, instantly cooling the burning sensation you had but it tasted of something too foul to put into words.

“I hate you.” You stuttered out to him, going to get a drink from the fridge to burn away the aftertaste of the medicine.

Jungkook:

You hardly ever got sick and when you did you just slept the bug away until you were fine again, but you couldn’t do that now. You were on tour with the boys and you were trying to keep up with them as they rushed through the airport to get to their next destination, your head was spinning from the pounding headache you were experiencing, you felt nauseous because you hadn’t eaten all day but you couldn’t eat because you felt so sick, Jungkook was ahead of you in the airport with Namjoon and Jin while you trailed behind slowly with Jimin.

“You look unwell.” He said to you as you walked side by side towards the security desk.

“Well done captain obvious.” You barked at him, he scoffed handing you one of the masks from his bag and you placed it over your face to try and hide how pasty you looked.

“Sorry…I get snappy when I’m ill.” You answered, as you walked through to a waiting area and sat down, Jungkook was nowhere in sight.

“Does Jungkook know you’re not well?” You shook your head, sitting down in a leather chair and wanting to rest your eyes for a little while before you had to board the flight, the photographers and screaming fans from before had made you more tired.

“Just feel so weak.” You whispered to him before falling asleep.

(X)

You were on the move again going to board the plane now, Jungkook was ahead of you again so you walked to Jimin towards the boarding area.

“You really don’t look well, are you sure you’re gonna be okay?” You nodded and handed your passport to the stewardess who nodded letting you onboard, you wobbled a little as you got onto the plane and almost fell back into Jimin.

“If you pass out I’m not going to catch you.” He joked putting one of his hands on your shoulder to steady you, you let out a defeated giggle and walked into the first-class section, finding your seat and instantly sitting down to close your eyes.

(X)

“Kookie.” You whimpered as someone poked your cheek, you turned over to see Jimin staring at you, you frowned and looked around.

“We’re not landing yet, but I got you some painkillers, and Jungkook is trying to find someone who has some anti-sickness medicine.” You looked behind you to see Jungkook asking passengers who were awake if they had any thing, before a nice older looking lady handed him some and he came rushing to your side to aid you.

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5hfanfiction · 6 years

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Into Her Anatomy

Chapter One: Code Blue

White. How plain the white walls were that outlined the quiet hallways of the hospital with only a handful of abstract paintings and health guides posted on it. Other than that everything else around was lifeless and so quiet. It was, as a matter of fact, still too early for the day to start with the sun barely making its debut on the horizon. The buzz of the dim fluorescent above gives the hallway a more eerie feeling. Then there was the smell, the antiseptic smell that clung onto the air. For some people the hospital was a scary place to be. It’s a place of sickness, of blood, of choked up screams and of death.

For some people, yes, it was a living nightmare to be in a hospital but not for the little doctor whose dreams carved the dull hallways and sterile smell of the building. The nightmare for some was Camila’s lifelong dream.

Camila Cabello was a medical intern at South Trinity General Hospital. The internship program had very limited vacancies giving only a hundred slots to freshly licensed physicians meaning doctors without actual professional experience yet. All chosen hundred interns who did make the cut will undergo a series of assessments and training.

During the program each doctor will be assigned to a spectrum of clinical cases from a simple fever to broken bones and even brain surgery. Any intern who breaks any hospital regulations or make any detrimental mistakes will be kicked out of the program. By the end of the internship, the remaining physicians will be able to choose a field of their liking and may finally work as a resident doctor at South Trinity. It is, after all, the top hospital in the state.

It’s only been a week since Camila started in South Trinity. She was currently walking the hallway pushing along a wheelchair in which Mrs York was sitting. She was Camila’s first patient. Mrs York had kidney transplant a few days ago and is currently undergoing a series of therapy. Camila was to evaluate her recovery and make sure she goes home well.

Both of them were on their way back to Mrs York’s room when a static sound cut through the morning quietness.

“CODE BLUE. CODE BLUE. EAST WING. ROOM 727. CODE BLUE. CODE BLUE.”

A female voice announced the emergency through the speakers that were installed above every medical station. It was necessary since the hospital was big and messages needed to be relayed as quickly as possible to the nearest, available aid. The sound of rushed footsteps can be heard bouncing along the hallways not too far from Camila’s position. Moments later the code team emerges from the corner pushing a defibrillator machine together with some vials, syringes and other emergency medical supplies on a cart. The team of four wearing navy blue scrubs made their way hastily pass Camila as she went to the side to make more room.

Getting distracted with the whole running, the young doctor hadn’t notice the distressed Mrs York who was now pulling on Camila’s right white coat sleeve pulling her body down to the patient’s level. Mrs York’s torso was angled uncomfortably towards Camila with the wheelchair restricting her movements.

“Doctor, is everything okay?” Mrs York asked in whispered panic.

Camila went around the wheelchair and knelt in front of Mrs York. She took the patient’s hands within hers and squeezed them gently, reassuring her and calming her down.

“Everything will be okay.” She answered.

“But doctor what’s happening to the patient? What is a code blue?” She inquired further but more calm now.

Camila smiled knowing that Mrs York had become more talkative and curious than before. You see, Mrs York wasn’t only a patient with a kidney problem. Despite still being in her 40s, she also suffers from early-onset Alzheimer’s disease which means she tends to forget things in a greater extent. Her memory is constantly degrading. Her disease has made her more distant and reserve from most people. She doesn’t like talking to anyone but Camila for the past week. There was something about the young doctor that made Mrs York open up. Seeing now that she’s interacting has made Camila more hopeful for her improvement and recovery.

“Code blue is a medical term we use to indicate that a patient is undergoing cardiopulmonary arrest.” Camila replied but the patient’s brows corrugate even more out of confusion. Camila elaborated further.

“It’s when a person doesn’t show any signs of breathing and his or her heart has stopped from beating. It ceases to function completely. The code team will try to resuscitate the person back using the machine that they were wheeling in earlier.” Camila pointed towards the room and the wide-eyed Mrs York finally nodded in understanding.

“Does that mean that the person is dead?” Mrs York stared directly at the door. She had a calculating look on her face, as if analyzing the whole situation in her head.

“Technically, yes, but the code team will try to jolt the patient back to life and do whatever it takes to save the patient’s life.” Camila reassured her and Mrs York seems to be pleased with the answer. She looked back towards the direction of her room that was a few doors away while Camila straightened up and continued pushing her wheelchair until they finally reached Mrs York’s room.

The short walk made Camila think of the countless of unexpected circumstances that can happen in the hospital. It can either bring people good memories or bad ones. Camila, of course, was there for the good ones even though unlikely things can and will happen. She was mentally crossing her fingers for a great and steady internship also praying that she doesn’t turn into big dummy when dire situations arise.

Camila wheeled the patient in and assisted her to lie back on her bed carefully. “Get some more rest, okay?” She raised both brows waiting for her answer.

“Yes, doctor. Thank you for everything.” She took Camila’s hands within hers and patted them. “I will do as ordered.” Camila smiled and turned around to make her way towards the door when it suddenly opened. A man in a black suit and a tall brunette peering just behind him entered quietly. In that moment, Mrs York had managed to pull again the white coat sleeve of the young doctor, getting her attention. She then whispered quietly towards Camila but it wasn’t soft enough because Camila could see the man from her peripheral vision flinch at the question.

“Doctor Cabello? Who are these people?” The young doctor immediately looked at the man’s rigid posture but he only nodded at her and gave her a sad smile.

“Mrs York.” Camila started. “"That man over there is your son David and that is his wife Rosa.” She cleared her throat and subconsciously picked at the loose skin near her thumb. A mannerism she seems to have when she feels uneasy. Giving sad news like this to a patient was never Camila’s strength. It makes her feel a lot of emotions that her tiny body is trying to conceal. She wants to be able to help every patient but some cases are just too extensive that treatment becomes difficult. “They were here just yesterday.” The young doctor added.

Mrs York’s face changed from confusion to sudden realization then finally a mixture of horror and sorrow. They all stood silently until David broke the awkwardness that was starting to engulf them.

“We’ll take it from here, Doctor. Thank you very much for everything.” David sighed forlornly.

Camila knew that this has been a normal occurrence in the family lately. She gave them a smile and made her way out of the room to give the family some needed privacy.

Camila made her way back to the medical station to finish a few patient records when her phone rang inside her white coat pocket. Fishing it out, the screen displayed Dinah Jane in bold letters. She lets out a giggle and cleared her throat swiping the screen to answer.

“How can I be of service, Doctor Hansen?” Camila said in a serious tone trying to act all maturely now that she has a title to uphold. She continued walking towards the station with her other hand inside her scrub suit.

Dinah scoffs at the other end of the call making Camila pout at her failed attempt to sound professional around her best friend. “Where have you and your sexy ass been, Mila? I haven’t seen you all week since we started.” She said loudly through the receiver and yawning afterwards.

Doctor Dinah Jane Hansen was a fellow intern. They met in medical school after Dinah was caught carrying a scalpel during their first week saying she was so ready to cut something. It was total chaos because people thought she was crazy. A crowd already started to form around Dinah but far enough from her reach.

Camila was just passing by when the whole incident happen. She made her way through the thick crowd and saw a tall woman with long blonde hair brandishing the sharp apparatus at people. She walked slowly behind the crazy woman then in one quick motion she lounged at her. Left arm encircling Dinah’s neck and her right hand gripping tightly around the wrist that connected to the hand with the scalpel. Both of Camila’s legs were wrapped around Dinah’s waist from the back. With that sneak attack from behind Dinah completely lost her balance and dropped the scalpel on the floor. Camila was already down in a second and kicked the blade away from anyone’s reach. She internally thanked her father for teaching her self-defense when she was still in grade school until high school.

She now raised her hands toward the furious woman. Palms forward, motioning for the tall girl to stop whatever the heck she was attempting to do.

Her actions earned Camila a death glare that made her regret taking the weapon away from the woman. She knew she could defend herself but to what extent. The woman was huge compared to her tiny frame. But what left Camila even more confused was that a few moments after Dinah sent knives with her eyes, the woman was already laughing hysterically, bending forward crossing her arms around her abdomen and was literally laughing out loud. Oh she was crazy alright.

No one as tiny as Camila had the balls to go against Dinah’s interests and that made her laughed and nod in approval. After the whole commotion was arranged the bell rang, signalling their noon break. They had lunch together. Camila didn’t have a choice but to follow since she was already being pulled by the taller girl. Turns out Dinah didn’t really have the intention of harming anyone. She only wanted to dissect a specimen which was impossible because they were in their first semester and were stuck in lecture halls for the first few months. Since then they found so many things in common and been at each other backs, except know Camila wasn’t koala hugging Dinah from behind; Just… there to look out for each other.

Camila was laughing now at Dinah’s usual morning banter and the memory of how they fortunately or unfortunately met. “Good morning to you too, doctor. If you must know my ass and I have been busy working the night shift the whole week.” She replied then checked the time on her wrist watch. “I’ll be off by seven AM then its hello weekend for me.”

“Okay, so are you down for tomorrow? Celebrate a great first week and just relax.” Camila could sense a huge smirk from Dinah.

“By relax you mean?”

“Partying Mils.” Dinah answered quickly with a hint of duh in her voice.

“I can’t. M…”

“God. Did your life become more duller than when we were in med school or is it because you haven’t been having a little fun in bed for a while that made you this sour? Come on Mils.” Camila rolled her eyes at Dinah’s assumption that she isn’t having any type fun.

“For your information…”

“Na uh, watching Netflix and eating ice cream isn’t what I meant when I said fun in bed. You know what fun I’m referring to Mila.” She interjected quickly not making Camila finish her sentence again but she was right. Camila hasn’t been in a relationship for a very long time that she’s starting to forget how it felt to be touched, kissed, loved and all other things you do in a relationship. Dinah has been pushing her to get a little something-something for a while which she found unnecessary because she was happy on her own. Or maybe she hasn’t really been paying attention to people because of how busy she has become.

“If you would just listen for a sec then you would know why I can’t go. My mom and Sofi are coming to visit me for the weekend to check my place and shut up because Netflix and ice cream are a great combination.” She said in her defense resting half of her upper body on the counter at the station as she arrives.

“Mhmm.” Dinah said and Camila could just imagine her face with a raised brow and pointed look.

“I promise you next weekend. We can go wherever you want.” She was wiggling her brows and smirking even though Dinah couldn’t see it.

“You better not make plans next weekend. You’re all mine or else kiss your sorry ass good bye.”

“Yes, Doctor Hansen. I’m all yours next weekend. I got to go finish up now. I still need to report back to the Chief. Bye Dinah, love you.” Camila answered happily. Both of them have been very busy with the orientation and the number of patients thrown at them for supervision. Not that she was complaining. She loves doing her work. She loves helping people. It’s just that she missed her crazy best friend and their crazy adventures together.

“See you around, Doctor Cabello. Buh-bye. Love you too.”

After her shift ended, Camila went into the locker room to change and grab a few things before she goes home. A few other interns were already done changing and were now on their way out the locker room. She hangs up her white coat inside her locker and reached towards it to trace with her right thumb the South Trinity logo that was stitched in blue.

“You made it, Camila.” She uttered quietly to herself when she was finally alone. “You’re finally living your dream.” She smiled and proceeded to strip off her scrubs, folding them and shoving it inside her green duffel bag. She soon dressed herself in a pair of high-waist pants and white V-neck shirt exposing a considerable amount of skin but not too much. She then removed her black hair tie letting the thick wavy hair fall onto her shoulders, keeping the black band securely on her left wrist. Camila locked her locker and slung her duffel bag across her torso and went straight into the employees lounge room to refill her go-to-coffee mug with some hot, aromatic espresso. This has been her morning ritual for the past week after she had discovered the expensive coffee brewer in the lounge room.

She took the warm mug between her palms and went into the elevator going down a couple of floors onto the lobby. The morning sunshine was perfectly warming Camila’s skin through the ceiling to floor glass of the lobby.

There’s really nothing like ending your work shift with warmth surrounding you and a delicious cup of coffee. She thought.

She went near a biometric machine and clocked out using her fingerprint.

Camila was excited to go home. She was excited to start her weekend. She was excited to tell her mom and Sofi everything that happened since she started. It has been a very eventful week and she couldn’t wait to share her stories.

She made her way across the wide lobby towards the double, automated doors whilst taking the lid off her mug to smell the relaxing aroma of her freshly brewed, hot espresso. She moaned internally, closing her eyes in the process and just enjoyed the moment. When she opened her eyes a flash of black caught her vision and knocked her coffee causing the content to spill all over her. Did I mention it was hot because, yes, the mug was filled with Satan’s scalding lava and the said lava was practically burning the skin off of Camila.

She stumbled a few steps back and cursed a few, maybe, a handful of profanities. She had already dropped her mug and immediately pulled her white shirt away from her body to ease some of the hot liquid away and also to avoid the shirt from sticking onto her body that was starting to embarrassingly outline her black bra. When Camila looked back at the black object she instead saw a woman just turning around with a fearful expression on her face. Wait. Was she walking backwards when she was entering the automated doors? The woman turned slowly until she was completely facing her and started to move towards Camila with fear still etched all over her face and hands slightly raised in apology. Yeah, she better be scared. This woman just had to ruin what was supposed to be a start of a perfect day for Camila.

“What the fuck were you doing?” Camila yelled at her.

“I-I was… It was that…” The woman wearing a grey shirt and black pants stuttered. “I w-was just…” She pointed to the door. Camila was furious. Her skin was stinging in pain, her mug seemed to be broken somewhere on the floor and this woman wasn’t really helping with the situation. She was just closing and opening her mouth trying to form a reasonable explanation.

“Next time you enter a place, walk like a normal human being.” She said harshly to the other girl. “And you should, uhm, you should watch where you’re going.” She said the last few words quietly just realizing that she too wasn’t really paying attention where she was going since she was too invested in having an orgasm from smelling her coffee. Feeling a sudden guilt from raising her voice she just assessed her situation and looked down at her chest.

Her skin was now a light shade of red. The coffee spilled from her chin to her neck down her collarbones and soaking the whole front of her shirt which she was still pulling away from her body. She lifted her other hand to touch the affected area but was stopped instantly by a hand on her wrist.

“Don’t touch it.”

The woman was now a few inches away from her that Camila could practically smell the woman’s minty breath. The stranger no longer showed signs of fear on her face but was now sporting a very stern look. Her light eyes scanning through Camila’s face, neck and down to her exposed chest area.

“Hey, pervert. What do you think you’re looking at? My eyes are up here.” The woman immediately glanced away and gulped nervously. She then slowly dropped Camila’s hand and looked back straight in her eyes.

“I’m really sorry.” The woman said sincerely in a deep voice. Camila couldn’t help but stare back feeling guilty for lashing out. It was after all an accident. None of them wanted that to happen. “I’m sorry for stupidly running into you.” The light-eyed woman continued. “I’m sorry for destroying your unicorn mug.” She pointed at it on the floor. “I’m sorry for ruining your shirt and I’m sorry for probably ruining your day but I’m not a pervert miss. I was just checking the damage I had done. Let me help you please?” The stranger leaned closer to her so she was levelling her eyes down the petite doctor’s eyes and waited patiently for Camila’s approval.

Camila opened her mouth slightly but just nodded. She was now filled with a mixture of awe and embarrassment. She was a doctor now. She should’ve handled the situation professionally. The moment she gave her approval the woman quickly took her duffel bag off of Camila’s body and flung it across hers instead. Her hand then snaked around Camila’s waist and pulled her towards the ER (Emergency Room) that was a door away from the lobby.

Once there, the stranger went straight to the station pulling Camila along with her. She instructed a couple of nurses for a bunch of medicine but they all just looked at her confused. No one seemed to move at the request. The light-eyed woman sighed trying to calm herself down from the lack of response and looked around and saw Camila’s ID tucked in her duffel bag’s pocket. She pulled it out, inspected it and presented it to the nurses. They all understood that Camila was indeed part of South Trinity and gave them the medicines that the stranger asked them to.

The stranger took the medical tray with its contents and continued pulling Camila around her waist towards an empty bed. She pulled the curtains close for privacy and turned towards Camila. She was so close that Camila could see the tiny dark flecks swimming in her light eyes. She was in a daze. So much was happening that she couldn’t process everything all at once. Maybe it was because of the quick change in the stranger’s fearful expression to an authorative demeanour that took her off guard. Maybe it was the deep, raspy voice that tickled her ears. Maybe it was her dark hair and beautiful face with moist, pink set of lips. Or maybe it was the strong arm around her waist that made Camila’s bones melt. She couldn’t pinpoint it out but Camila was in a blissful daze.

Camila felt hands on both sides of her waists and the stranger was stepping in closer. The hands gripped tighter and she let out a small gasp. What were they doing? She was pulled back from her reverie when the stranger suddenly carried her onto the bed. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears. All her senses were heightened. She almost forgot about her burn until the stranger instructed her.

“Strip your shirt off.” She looked at Camila seriously. The young doctor instead balled her fists at the hem of shirt.

“N-no. What are you trying to do?” Camila was now the stuttering mess. She was nervous. She couldn’t understand why such absurd request was making her feel uneasy and excited at the same time.

The stranger’s eyes widen in realization. “Oh no, miss. You misunderstood. I don’t mean to do you any more harm than I already did. It’s just that… It’s easier to put on the medicine instead of pulling your shirt down which might irritate your skin even more.” She rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

“O-okay. Sure.” Camila nodded slightly then look at the stranger straight in the eye. She extended her arm with her pointed finger creating a circular pattern. The woman got the signal and turned around on her heels immediately. There was a bit of shuffling on the bed and Camila cleared her throat.

When the woman looked back Camila had her shirt off her body and it was now bunched-up in front of her, hiding her chest from the stranger. By now her heartbeat was beating a thousand times per minute. This isn’t right. This was a stranger for crying out loud and Camila just willingly stripped for her. Maybe Dinah’s craziness was already rubbing on her. This was beyond insane but Camila didn’t stop the stranger, she just let the whole thing flow.

The woman was now walking towards Camila. She dropped the duffel bag on to the bed and took the medicine. She grabbed an empty container and squeezed the content of the ointment tube in it. She then mixed a couple of pinch of white powder from a packet plus a few drops of normal saline. She took a tongue depressor and stirred the medicinal concoction. It was weird for Camila because the ointment was already for the burn but the stranger added a few other more ingredients to it. As if reading Camila’s mind the woman informed her.

“It’ll heal faster and will hurt less compared to dabbing the ointment alone. A friend of mine taught me this trick.” After mixing it she dipped two of her fingers into the now white cream and raised it near Camila’s neck. Camila nodded for her to go on and gulped once more.

A sharp gasp escaped Camila’s lips when the cool cream was being spread all over the left side of her neck where most of the burn was. She closed her eyes as she revel in the feeling of comfort as the pain was being wiped away by soft, careful fingers. She subtly bit her lower lip when the woman’s fingers proceeded to massage the sensitive area around her pulse point. The gripped Camila had on her shirt tightened even more and she tilted her head to the other side to give better access for those magical fingers.

Camila swallowed hard when she felt soft massaging tracing her left collarbone. She slowly opened her eyes when the stranger pulled away to get more cream. Camila was already missing the smooth sensations that send her senses to overdrive. She took a closer look at the woman while she focused in the cream in the small container.

The woman had her brows knitted together in concentration. Her bottom lip trapped between her teeth then her tongue stuck out to wet her lip all the while Camila had subconsciously followed the stranger’s movements, bite then lick. When the woman looked up and met Camila’s gaze, it was then that the young doctor knew she had a certain attraction for the stranger. It was definitely the stare that gave it away.

The woman broke the eye contact first and dabbed more cream onto the heated skin. After a few moments of light caressing, massaging the stranger slowly and torturously pulled down Camila’s left bra strap to the side. Her breath hitched in her throat and closed her eyes. She was enjoying this although she would never admit it to herself, she was. When the hand that was spreading the cream traveled downwards onto Camila’s top breast mound she instantly sat up straight.

“I think I can manage from here.” Camila managed to say with her shaky voice and looked at the woman directly at her face that was mere inches away from her own. The stranger’s eyes were now darker than before, the tiny flecks gone and was now drowning in the dilated darkness but Camila looked away before things get out of hand. The woman took a step back and again rubbed the back of her neck.

“I’m really sorry, miss.” She closed the container and handed it to Camila. “Apply this every eight hours and it’ll be better in no time. Again, I’m really sorry.” With that she shoved the container inside Camila’s sweaty hands and took off closing back the curtains as she left.

When the beautiful stranger was gone, Camila was left speechless, still topless on the bed with her feet dangling not reaching the tiled floor below. She combed her wavy hair back with her fingers and collapsed on the bed. What was she feeling? It was different. A good kind of different and it was exciting. She smiled to herself then placed both her hands with the container still in her grasps on her naked chest. She can’t feel her heart anymore. She couldn’t hear her breathing. It’s as if the world stopped revolving around her as she lay on that bed.

“Code Blue.” She whispered very softly to herself. Her heart was gone and she couldn’t breathe properly all because of a certain light-eyed stranger with soothing caresses and stares that could make her squirm in delight.

“You got yourself a Code Blue, Camila.” She blushed profusely as warmth filled her cheeks and she smiled like an idiot while she hides her face in her arms.

…

A/N

This is my first camren fic. Sooo… let me know what you think. :)

#UPDATE #series #AU #slash #camren #humour #romance fluff #submission #Into Her Anatomy

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taylorrush · 6 years

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What 2017 Taught Me

When things get difficult. they get really difficult. Difficult to the point you can’t fathom anything ever getting better. But they can and they will if we have just enough patience and the right amount of hope. I promise.

2017 was a shit storm. There’s honestly not any other way to put it. It was really bad, like on all possible fronts but it opened my eyes to things every person needs to learn.

So let’s backtrack to January of 2017. It started out great. I spent the first week with my sister in Vancouver and it was snowing and freezing but it was fun. We drank and tried not to kill ourselves walking on the thin layers of ice across the city, and acted like the tourists we were. Now, I don’t want to come off as dramatic but when we returned, the fun kinda ended. I was back to working the same retail job on the Downtown Plaza in Sonoma I’d been at for a total of three and a half years. It was a great job at first, but really there’s only so long you can handle drunks out in the daytime, yelling at me about having to pay ten cents for a bag (THAT WAS NOT A STORE POLICY BUT COUNTY/STATE LAW). The work situation just wasn’t fun for me anymore but it was a store of made up of three people: myself, the owner and the manager, so there was no room to quit. One of the things I learned about myself this last year was that I literally would do anything to help someone else rather than do something to make me happy.

During my realization that I just didn’t like my job anymore, I really thought that was it. That’s the only unfortunate thing that will happen to me this year. And I was okay with that because I knew I’d be moving at the end of the year. Just get through the year and finish up your schooling so you can transfer and be out of here. These things did happen and I’m thrilled that I walked out of that store for the last time: onto bigger, better things. But, my work life was not the hardest thing that had happened.

I had known my father had a cold at the end of December, and it had never really gone away.. but it’s not until you’re getting calls or texts in the middle of the night saying “we’re at the hospital, everything will be okay” do you really start to fear that things are getting worse. No doctor, nurse, EMT, or paramedic had any idea why or how my father had fallen ill so quickly. February through May, he was in and out of doctors appointments. In and out of ambulance rides and emergency rooms. Being told one thing, being treated for a different thing, being tested for another but progressively getting worse. You start losing faith in the medical field, you start wondering how in the freaking hell someone who has a PhD couldn’t figure out this one thing. All we knew was he had lost a lot of weight, (80ish pounds, I believe), had a cough, had spots all over his legs resembling the plague and he had a failing kidney. I was visiting home to see my parents at the start of April and it was then that I had witnessed first hand how bad things had gotten. He didn’t recognize me. He didn’t know I was even there. We drove him to the hospital a few hours after I had arrived. He was only getting worse. During this visit, we had been told he was being poisoned by penicillin. Had we not taken him to the hospital within a few days, we would’ve lost him but they changed his prescriptions and within a few days he was back to being my dad. We found out that he had an infection residing in his heart, where he had had a heart valve transplant nearly 10 years ago. One test was all we needed to find this out, and it had taken months to figure that out. We were angry but he started feeling better, and we all thought, “this is it, we’re getting back on our feet”. We could live with this.

On April 26, my sisters birthday, my dad, at 57 years old, had a stroke. I received a text in the middle of the night, for what felt like the millionth time, that my dad was in the hospital. When I asked if he’d be okay, my mom responded with “I don’t know”. There’s absolutely nothing that will ever drop your heart as fast as knowing something horrible has happened and that there is absolutely nothing you can do. Nothing. The next morning, I woke up and immediately got in my car to make the 4 hour journey to be at the hospital. I dropped everything, I didn’t go to class and I told my boss I didn’t know when I’d be back to work. I got to the hospital after a road trip filled of tears only to be met in an ICU waiting room with a blabbering mom, for good reason. My dad wasn’t exactly waking up and the bleed in his brain hadn’t stopped; it was the size of a golfball. They thought the vegetation of the infection on his heart had flaked off and traveled to the brain, causing the stroke. The right side of his body, his dominant side was also immobile. Life had changed in the blink of an eye.

Fast forward a week, honestly nothing exciting had happened, only that he was sleeping, a lot. Most of the time actually. But, we had found out, we were losing time. If he wasn’t transferred to a rehabilitation center soon, his chances of a full recovery were slim. Oh, but insurance companies are always such fun to deal with, aren’t they? Anyways, we had figured something out and we got him transferred. In this facility, we spent 6 weeks where us kids took turns staying with him so our mom could get some decent sleep when she wanted. And we were patient and positive like the therapists and nurses told us to be. He started remembering us, and gaining some strength back. My brother was set to get married on July 28, and my dad had told us he’d be walking down that aisle. We all went along with it, but ultimately I don’t know if we all truly believed he’d be able to. But this guy, this guy is one stubborn, feisty and determined man and I walked right behind him down that aisle.

This was a long story, I know but it was the story of my 2017. It’s a long road to recovery but he’s now back to basically normal, in only 6 months. He has his limitations, like ask him to hold a beer in his right hand and it’ll probably shatter .5 seconds of holding on but he’s getting there. His kidneys are still only like 32% functioning so, he doesn’t need that beer anyways.

You may be thinking, well Taylor that’s quite a story but how does this relate to what you learned?

Well, what I learned this year is that family is absolutely everything, and how important it is to have an army behind you, big or small. Without a support system, we give up cause it’s just so easy. You don’t need a massive group of people, but you need someone. You need someone willing to help you, work with you, heal with you, take care of you and unconditionally love you. I also learned a lot about marriage. If you can’t imagine yourself dealing with something of this proportion with whoever you’re with, don’t marry them. Imagine the hard things you may have to go through and really think about what it means to be in sickness and in health. I mean my parents have been married 33 years now, and they’ve dealt with countless tragedies together but nothing like this. There’s no way to even prepare for something like this but my mom advocated the hell for my dad and didn’t leave his side unless forced. I learned to appreciate my body more. Imagine not being able to use one whole side of your body for months. It’s not fun, is it? I also learned to appreciate the little things, like small victories. My dad would always get really excited when he would feel something working again, like a toe or having feeling back on his calf. Small things that led to a huge recovery.

In retrospect, I think we can all benefit from a life-changing experience like this. There’s really no ruder wake up call when it’s literally life and death but I don’t know if I’d change anything. My parents would probably say otherwise but what happened, happened. You learn to get back on your feet. You learn to love harder and appreciate more and you’re sent on this wild ride of emotions but it’s all part of the human experience. So, 2017 was kind of a shit show but here we are, with such a heartwarming story now public for the world. Am I too self-aware of this blog?

Till next time, Taylor

#2017 #what i learned #stroke #health #family #lessons learned #blog

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megsblackfirewrites · 7 years

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An Alpha Omega: Chapter 8

Chapter 8

“How many Alphas were there?”

“Three at first; don’t know how many showed up after that.”

“How are you still alive?!”

“Luck. And one really fast hog.”

The whole common room laughed as Mako snorted. Vanessa’s head was pillowed on his lap and a covered mug of soup was held tightly in her hands. Most of her face was covered with heavy bandages and she was wearing a housecoat so that nothing held the other sutures too tightly. Mako’s big fingers scrubbed at her scalp before he leaned back on the couch.

“Don’t do that again,” he growled.

“No shit,” Vanessa snorted. “Wasn’t plannin’ on getting torn apart by a bunch-a fuckin’ Alphas! And sorry you missed yer flight, John.”

“I would rather miss my flight than attend your funeral, Birdie,” John smiled.

Jack laughed from where he was combing Mei’s hair. John was seated on one of the beanbags with a bunch of Omegas snuggled against him. His scent had become synonymous with safety and home for so many of them that no one even thought twice about crawling onto the beanbag beside him. Throw in the heroics that had passed around the school like wildfire and everyone wanted to be close to John Morrison, the Alpha that had sent an entire pack running for the hills with just a look.

“Well, I’d hate to attend my own funeral too,” Vanessa grimaced. “Wouldn’t be fun at all. Oh, and the Shimadas are back with food. Sweet.”

Jack looked up with a smile as he pushed Mei’s hairpin into place. Hanzo and Miyu were carrying a couple armfuls of bags and set them down on the coffee table. Mako helped Vanessa into a sitting position and held her still as she swayed. He waited until she flashed thumbs up before he removed his hands.

“Miso soup for the recovering pit brawler,” Miyu teased as she handed Vanessa a large bowl.

“Yah,” she grimaced. “At least we know my kidneys are working great with all the water they’ve had to process.”

She’d cracked her jaw in the fight, not enough to need a cast, but enough that it hurt to chew. She’d been on a liquid diet since she got out of the hospital a week ago. To say she was unimpressed was an understatement, especially when Miyu showed up with food for everyone else. Jack knew how much she missed having anything that still mooed when you poked it.

“It’s only for a few more weeks,” Joel soothed as he leaned on the couch. “You’ll be fine.”

“I know,” she whined before she slumped backwards. “Kinda want to sleep.”

“Alright,” Joel chuckled before he easily scooped her up. “Night, y’all.”

They waved as Vanessa snuggled against her father’s chest. She was being kept in a small room on the main floor. The school staff was trying to pass it off as a necessity so that medical aid could get to her if something happened with her health. They all knew it was so the police could get to her easier if something happened to her case.

The Alphas were being charged by the school, by the police, and by the McCree family. It was a huge case, one that the police were strangely eager to partake in. Jack wondered how many times those Alphas in particular had jumped Omegas and been able to get away with it because of the fear they instilled in the Omegas. They made a huge mistake thinking that they could attack Vanessa and get away with it.

Everyone knew the Alphas were trying to say that they were only defending the Omegas’ honour by removing a fake Omega from their numbers. They’d first tried to say that she had attacked them, but the police called their bullshit immediately so they scrambled to change their story. Someone had tipped them off that the entire building that the Alphas lived in had been part of the planning of the attack, but there was no proof to be found. Vanessa had allowed for a number of rather embarrassing and invasive tests to be done on her while she was in the hospital to prove that, as of this point in time, she was an Omega. The tests showed changing hormone levels, but they weren’t consistent with an Alpha at any stage in development.

Jack stuffed orange chicken in his mouth as everyone talked about their plans for Thanksgiving. Jack was planning on returning to Indiana, but if the trial started sooner than that, he’d have to stay put. He was going to offer as much support as he could to Vanessa and take the stand if he had to. Jamie was staying at the school, but spending most of his time with Mako. Hanzo was staying too, as were most of the international students. There just wasn’t enough time to fly home and back in the three day weekend.

Jack glanced at his watch and huffed, slowly getting to his feet. “I’m turning in,” he said.

“I’ll be right behind you,” John chuckled as he scratched behind one Omega’s ears.

Jack waved to the others before he headed for the stairs. He poked his head in on Vanessa and wished her a goodnight. Joel inclined his head from the chair beside the bed; Vanessa was already out cold, holding onto the bottom of Joel’s shirt as she tucked her nose into her pillow. He was glad that she was getting some decent sleep. She deserved it after the weeklong nightmares she’d been having.

He headed up to his room and got changed for bed. John walked in just as he was crawling into bed and walked over to flop on the bed. He didn’t even bother getting changed, just put his glasses on the bedside table and rolling onto his back. Jack smirked as he rested his back against his father’s side and closed his eyes.

Vanessa shifted nervously as the huge Alpha smiled down at her. “Ah, and you must be Ms. McCree,” he said in a booming voice. “Captain Amari, the officer in charge of your case, has requested that I accompany you to your classes since they were mostly filled with Alphas.”

“Uh, thanks?” Vanessa said as she rubbed at her neck. “It’s...appreciated.”

“You won’t even know I’m there,” the man smiled.

Vanessa gave him a flat look before she snorted. He threw his head back and laughed, a deep belly-laugh that shook his entire torso, and Vanessa found herself grinning. She gave the man’s arm a small shove-punch and hobbled past him.

“You are taking criminal psychology?” he asked as he fell into step beside her. “How is it?”

“Well, the subjects are interesting; my classmates suck,” she shrugged.

“That is unfortunate,” he sighed. “Ah, did I introduce myself? Reinhardt Wilhelm.”

“Vanessa McCree, but you already knew that,” she shrugged.

“I did, but it is still nice to hear it,” Reinhardt chuckled. “Most Omegas are intimidated by my size. Most Alphas, too. Most people are just scared of me on sight. I’m happy that you are comfortable enough in my presence to speak.”

She shrugged again as she made her way into the main atrium. Students scattered out of the way, staring at Reinhardt in awe. She did her best to ignore the stares as she headed for her class and Reinhardt ignored everything but her. He held the door open for her and trailed after her up to her usual seat in the middle of the lecture room.

He paused as the professor walked in before heading back down to shake the man’s hand. The professor looked terrified to have a behemoth like Reinhardt speaking to him, but he shot Vanessa a look.

“So the student body saw fit to have an Alpha keep her in line?” the professor asked into the microphone.

He pretended like it was an accident, waving at the stand as if that would turn it off. The class snickered and shot nasty grins in her direction. Vanessa rubbed the end of her nose with her middle finger, flipping them all off in the least subtle way possible. Reinhardt did not look amused in the slightest.

“Nein,” he growled, his voice easily carrying through the lecture hall without the aid of the microphone. “I’m Ms. McCree’s bodyguard. I’m here to make sure no one else tries to attack her to and from her classes. Seeing as how none of her professors are willing to do the job, professionals have to step in.”

The professor’s mouth opened and closed like a fish as Reinhardt turned away. He walked up the steps to Vanessa’s row and squeezed his way in. He sat down beside Vanessa and dropped his head and arms onto the desk, his eyes moving slowly across the room.

Vanessa bumped her elbow against his shoulder and mouthed “thank you” when he glanced at her. He smiled and reached out to pat her hand.

“I have your back, my friend,” he soothed. “Don’t worry.”

For the first time in a very long time, Vanessa felt herself settle down against an Alpha she didn’t know. She let herself sink a little into his scent, taking in the smells and analyzing them. He was old, but he still smelt like strength and protection. If she let him, he would be her surrogate Alpha until the trial was over and done with.

She failed to see a downside.

“I can’t believe they’re actually pressing charges,” that stupid female Alpha that never shut her God-damn mouth hissed.

It was a break in the lecture, giving everyone a chance to stretch their legs or collect their thoughts. Jack nibbled on the corner of his oatmeal bar, struggling not to give into the urge to slam the woman’s head against the desk. It was all he’d heard all day. The Alphas were bitching about their “friends” being charged with aggravated assault and pack-violence and that Vanessa wasn’t getting charged with anything. The Omegas were fearfully whispering about how her decision to press charges would affect the rest of them in the long run.

No one seemed to stop and consider how Vanessa felt about the whole thing. No one seemed to care that she was still limping after the attack. No one seemed to care that she always seemed to be a second away from shifting into her wolf form and attacking any Alpha that got too close. No one cared about the victim of the whole thing and it pissed him off.

“If the stupid bitch had just kept her nose to herself, this wouldn’t have happened,” the Alpha continued. “Idiots like her should just remember their fucking pla-.”

“You shut your fucking mouth!” Jack snarled as he whipped around and rose out of his seat. “Unless you actually know what the fuck is going on, keep your two-cents to yourself.”

The Alpha gawked at him for a moment before she grinned. “Aw, is the little Omega all insulted because I’m telling the truth?” she sneered.

“You aren’t,” Jack growled. “I know more about what’s going on than you do. So shut your mouth and leave her alone. She never did a fucking thing to deserve this and the fact that fuckwads like you are content to pretend that your Alpha buddies were the victims, real criminals get away with bullshit like this all the time.”

The Alpha glanced around and the other Alphas let out soft chuckles. Jack felt himself bristling, lowering his head and preparing to lunge. They were mocking him and he was reaching the end of his rope. This was going to be the final straw.

“Oh, come on now, sweetheart,” the Alpha laughed. “What do you think she’s doing? She’s clearly not an Omega. She’s getting into fights all over campus.”

“Because douchbags like you won’t leave her and the other Omegas alone,” Jack snapped. “You all seem to think you own us even though you are all the least interesting, most infuriating people I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.”

“Someone wants that Alphas’ clit,” the Alpha laughed. “What’s the matter, sweetie? That big bitch won’t give you the time of day?”

Jack’s claws slammed into the desk and dug into the wood. The Alpha gasped and backed away as Jack shifted, his jaws trembling as he snarled at her. The other students were scrambling away, a few were pulling out their phones to record, but most wanted as much space between them as possible. The Alpha stared at him, her chest trembling as she breathed. Jack snapped his jaws, clawing the desk as his tail thumped menacingly on the desk behind him.

“You want to make something of this?” Jack growled. “Because I’ve been itching for a fight ever since those cowards tucked their tails and ran.”

“Jack, that’s enough,” Gabriel said.

It was the first time Gabriel had said anything all through the break. It startled Jack a little bit, but he snorted and ran his tongue over his jaws.

“She started it. I’ll finish it if she doesn’t actually have the spine to back up her accusations,” he growled.

“I said, that’s enough,” Gabriel growled.

His huge hand settled on Jack’s scruff and squeezed. Jack lashed out, knocking Gabriel away as he gawked at the man. Had he seriously just tried to scruff him!?

“What the fuck was that?” Jack demanded as he shifted back. “Did you just try to scruff me?”

“You weren’t calming down,” Gabriel said as he straightened up. “I thought….”

“You have no right to scruff me,” Jack snapped. “You aren’t my father and you aren’t my Alpha.”

Everyone around him gasped and Jack went ramrod straight. He stared at Gabriel as something akin to pain went through his brown eyes. Jack felt his stomach plummet to his toes before he bared his fangs and bristled.

“You thought you owned me,” he snarled. “You fucking cocksucker! What, you think because an Omega shows interest that means you can just lay claim to them?!”

“You were accepting my advances,” Gabriel narrowed his eyes.

“Your…?! Being nice to me is not making an advance! It’s being a decent human being! And scenting someone isn’t an advance either! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Your father approved of me,” Gabriel snapped.

“That’s because he didn’t know what a shitlord you actually were,” Jack snarled. He was fighting back tears; the one Alpha he thought he could start to grow affectionate for and it turned out he was as entitled as the rest of them. How typical. “Trust me, he would be disgusted with how you’re acting.”

Gabriel let out a low growl and Jack matched it. They were inches from each other’s face; it wouldn’t take much for Jack to snap his jaws shut around Gabriel’s throat and tear him apart for thinking that he owned him. And yet…he didn’t want to kill Gabriel. Maybe it was best just to walk away and give them both time to think this over.

Jack let his shoulders slump before he turned back to his desk and started packing up his things. He heard Gabriel’s aborted victory grunt before his hand settled on Jack’s shoulder. Jack easily rolled the hand off as he swung his backpack over his shoulder.

“Angie, I’ll get your notes after class,” he called out. “Not feeling so great.”

“Okay,” Angela waved at him. “Feel better, Jack!”

“Jack?” Gabriel started to follow him but Jack shot him a look.

“I need time to myself,” he said. “Have a good day, Reyes.”

He heard Gabriel stutter something after him, but he didn’t look back. He had to be firm with the Alpha if he wanted to get this figured out.

Gabriel sat at the common room table with his head in his hands. Gregory and Blaire were trying to get him to eat something, but he barely had the stomach to handle anything beyond water. Even that was coming right back up when he tried to drink.

Jack had rejected him. Jack Morrison, the man that he thought was his Omega in everything but claiming, had rejected him. All because Gabriel had tried to scruff him to keep him from getting into a fight with Blaire. Sure, he didn’t agree with what Blaire was saying at all, but he knew she was just talking out of her ass trying to get people to like her. She hadn’t been worth the air needed to tell her to shut the hell up.

And Jack had been ready to tear her throat out over his friend’s honour. It was commendable, but not worth getting in trouble over. Jack wouldn’t do Vanessa any favours by getting himself charged with assault.

“Come on, man; you need to eat something,” Gregory said. “You’ll be sick otherwise.”

“Greg’s right, Gabe,” Blaire said. “You need….”

“Why couldn’t you just keep your fucking mouth shut?” Gabriel snarled as he rounded on her. “You knew Jack was a friend of McCree’s. Why couldn’t you just wait until after class to bitch?”

Blaire stared at him before giving him a fake cowed expression. “Sorry,” she said. “But it put everything into perspective, didn’t it? Jack didn’t respect your claim on him.”

Gabriel looked away. He hadn’t lain a claim on him though, that was just it. He’d assumed that Jack was his. He’d assumed that Jack would let him be his Alpha. He hadn’t asked. He hadn’t tried to date him. He just assumed because of how much Jack loved his scent that they were on their way to being a mated pair. It was his own damn fault and now he was never going to get Jack back.

“Don’t look so glum, chum,” Gregory grinned. “I have a fool-proof plan to make your little Omega drip wet for you.”

Gabriel looked at him and frowned. “Why don’t I believe that?” he asked.

“Because you don’t believe anything anyone says that isn’t your Mama and your sisters,” Gregory rolled his eyes. “Trust me, I haven’t seen it not work once! All we gotta do is get Blaire’s Omega to sit on your lap while Jack is around and have you make out with him. Your little Omega will instantly feel jealous and come over to reclaim his Alpha from the floozy that dared to kiss him.”

Gabriel’s frown deepened. That was easily the dumbest, most juvenile plan he had ever heard in his life. Scratch that, it sounded like the dumb plot of some stupid romantic comedy that insulted its watchers by telling them that duping their Omega or Alpha was a sign of true love.

“That won’t work,” Gabriel said.

“You got a better idea?” Gregory snorted. “Trust me, man. Once Jack sees that you can easily replace him, he’ll trip over himself to get him back.”

“I really don’t…,” Gabriel sighed before he dropped his face into his hand. “What the hell. It’s worth a shot at this point.”

“That-a boy,” Gregory crowed. “Now we just gotta wait for the perfect time to strike and get that boy back in your lap.”

“He was never in my lap,” Gabriel growled as he pulled the pizza towards him and forced himself to take a bite.

“You know what I mean,” Gregory shook his head. “Operation: Get that Omega back is under way.”

Gabriel didn’t think it was a good idea, but, then again, how much worse could it get?

#reaper76 #ABO dynamics

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letterstomymommakibbie-blog · 7 years

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Day 9

It’s late and I can’t stand the thought of another day without you here. I am sitting in the dark in the living room next to your ashes. I can’t believe its you in there. The cookie jar we have you in is heavy. I hate thinking that a whole life was burned down into just a baggie of dust. You are the most important person in my heart. I am sitting here under the coffee cup blanket that you said you hate because it made you look like you were covered in some bloody animal. We went over to Cassies today just to say hi, We went to Walmart to get some snacks and ended up buying the stuff for biscuits and gravy. We doubled back and picked up Jayden to bring him over. He hasn’t been here since before you died. He misses you terribly. So do I. It’s excruciating. I feel like we are all just floating in time waiting for you to come home. I just wander around the house looking at things that you love. Things that were yours. I went looking for something today and found a letter that you sent to me last year. Almost 1 year ago, actually. It sent me into tears. I hate talking about you in past tense. It feels unbelievable. Its almost as if the whole thing was a big blur. A smudge on the timeline of my life where those weeks with my Momma are supposed to be. I’ve never had an out of body experience before but I think that I had one that lasted for 2 weeks. I remember that it all happened. I remember every second and every coughing fit that you had and every last word you said. I remember bathing you and getting you ready after you were gone. Painting your fingernails and carefully picking out an outfit for you to wear. But thinking back on what can only be described now as memories, it’s like I watched it happen but it wasn’t me. It was just my body there but not my mind. Like I was looking from the outside in on somewhere spending every waking moment at home watching over their mother night and day. I’m sure someone who knows a lot more about grief than I do would call that compartmentalizing to help subdue the power of the loss. I am glancing around the living room in the dark and I can’t believe it was just a week ago I was on the couch watching your every breath to make sure you were still alive. Now I feel like there is a gaping hole in my heart. I could never have imagined this kind of pain. I know that my whole life I have been faced with your mortality and that we have had some scares and a few close calls. I feel like I got immune to the possibility because you were so strong and always made it through the odds. It was always Momma will be fine because she is always fine. She always makes it through. I became very much comforted when I was scared about your health by that thought process. Even in the hospital after hearing from the doctors that your kidneys were failing and that you were not going to live much longer, I still had confidence that you were going to defy the odds and pull off another medical miracle and survive past the diagnosis. I feel selfish for finding solace in that because the only reason I was able to use that as a coping tool is because you were fighting so hard to stay alive in the mean time and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much Momma. I wish that I could talk to you and hear your voice. I just miss you. I used to come into the living room and sit down by your recliner and you would say “What’s the matter baby?” and I would either give you a hug or promptly break down into tears. No matter what was going on you always knew what to say to make it better. How can you just be gone? You’re just...gone.

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ericawhitakerrr-blog · 7 years

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at the beginning...

As I sat and thought about what I would write about, I realized so much of that was a time I have tried everything in my power to forget. If you have ever suffered the loss of a child you know how I feel, if you haven't you cannot possibly fathom it. Your body's natural defense when something truly awful happens is to block it out, and while it's true that I have large gaps in my memory from that time period. I realized I needed to sit down and remember, remember what Tomas meant to me. I sat down and wanted to write about what it meant to lose a baby, but the page stayed blank until suddenly it all came in a rush. Most women say there is no greater pain than childbirth, unfortunately there is, the pain of burying your child. People would say how brave and strong I was, our family was, but the truth is... I was scared, we all were terrified. Sometimes I didn't know if I would even survive this journey I was forced to walk. We survived the trauma, the shock, the agony of those first couple of weeks. Those long nights where I thought I might die from grief. The greatest loss a human can experience is the loss of a child, it destroys and demolishes you. But no one really has a choice to survive the grief, it's not optional, especially with 2 small girls at home. Someone asks me how I am and I simply say "I'm fine, thanks". I say this to you, because I simply cannot describe the pain. 6 months. It's been 6 months since our journey began. 6 months since that fateful Monday in November....There is nothing harder than sitting here during dialysis browsing social media and seeing little baby faces as they are welcomed into the world by their family. I'm so happy for all my friends having babies, gosh I'm so happy for them, but it's hurts, and it stings, and it sucks, to think sitting at home in his little spot on the top of a glass shelf... Sits a tiny urn. This wasn't supposed to happen, this wasn't the way things were meant to be. I write this to share and hopefully help someone else with my story. You aren't alone... I was a healthy, active, normal 30yr old in the prime of my life. I have 2 beautiful girls, (7 and 3), and a wonderful husband. We were expecting our third child, a son, in December of 2016. I was extremely high risk and hospitalized several times over the course of the pregnancy, but that only made me closer with Tomas Isaac, the name I agonized over for weeks wanting it to be perfect. A unexpected bonus was weekly ultrasounds so I would see his little face develop week by week. I couldn't wait to meet him, being a girl mom I was so excited to shift to boy territory. From lace, ribbons, dance class, and pink to the trucks, legos, sports, and of course a love of the Denver Broncos. On November 14th 2016, the unthinkable happened... I went in to the hospital at 36 weeks due to a lack of fetal movement over the weekend. When I awoke Monday morning and realized I had slept through the night I knew in my soul something was terribly wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. When I got to the hospital they attempted to find his heartbeat with a doppler and eventually ultrasound and I was told there was no heartbeat. When something like that is told to you, the floor opens and you fall. At that point they told me I would need to be induced to deliver him. I was also given something to sedate me as I was understandably hysterical. I had arrived at the hospital alone because my husband was so sure that I was imagining things and he never truly felt there was any danger. Because of the sedation I actually didn't wake up until almost 2 weeks later and learned what had happened during that time. They had attempted the induction and Tomas's hand had come out first, in trying to reposition him my uterus had ruptured and I started bleeding out. I had to undergo an emergency c section and hysterectomy while they tried to get the bleeding under control. I had to receive 14 units of blood and the blood loss as well as fluid around my heart triggered me coding for 6 minutes. They were finally able to revive me after the 6 minutes but I had lost my kidney function at that point. I was deemed to high of a risk at this point for me to continue to stay at my local hospital's ICU and I was transferred still on the ventilator and with the feeding tube to a larger hospital in Charlotte NC to their ICU for more serious care. Which is where I woke up, with the tube down my throat and no clue what had happened. I had to have Brian and various nurses explain to me, heartbreakingly multiple times that I had lost my baby and the majority of the function of my body. I have no memory of those several weeks, I've tried so hard and failed to remember anything. The last thing I remember is the doctor telling my Tomas had no heartbeat and the next thing I remember I woke up at the hospital in Charlotte. This is my greatest heartbreak. I was never able to hold my son, I never got to touch his cheeks, I never got to kiss his sweet face. I fully believe in my soul, that when I coded I said goodbye to my baby boy. He knew my girls needed me. He sent me back to finish my work as a mother. I know he sent me back because given the choice alone I don't know that I would have chosen to come back. I was broken and there is no pain like that of the pain of losing a child. I was eventually able to come off the ventilator and discharged about 6 weeks after everything happened. I ended up back in the hospital several days later with gallstones and because I wasn't strong enough for surgery a JP drain was put in, in place of removing my gallbladder. I slowly resumed my normal life or what was left of it. After several weeks I became so sick from my gallbladder that we had to find a hospital who was willing to do surgery to remove it. My current surgeon in Charlotte was hesitant with my past history on the operating table. In addition to that, during one of my weekly Mon/Weds/Fri dialysis sessions I ended up having chest pains only to be rushed to the hospital and a blood clot found in my neck. We finally were able to locate a hospital who was willing to do the surgery on both my gallbladder and remove one dialysis catheter to put another one in my chest. The goal was at that point that I would be free a clear from the hospital. Sadly that was not the case for very long. During another routine dialysis treatment I had similar symptoms from when I had the blood clot before. I was rushed off to the hospital where they found another blood clot in my chest directly above my heart. I was treated for that and there were some very positive steps being made in my recovery process. It's been a long road and I have a even longer road ahead of me especially with me being a mom to two daughters who still don't fully understand the loss of our baby as well as the loss of my health. I'm still struggling, with another blood clot in my lung and I just got sick with bronchitis/pneumonia a couple weeks ago, but I know my road ahead will be easier with time. At this point my kidneys are still not functioning, we have waited, hoped, and prayed but unfortunately it doesn't look like that will work out for my own kidneys to start working again. I was placed on the kidney transplant list and the wait period is about 3 years at this point. My best hope for a match is a family member, but since I'm adopted that option is non existent. I have had several people offer to get tested, we should have all the details in the next couple of weeks and then we can start to make plans for anyone who might be willing to donate. I've also had some severe hair loss in the last couple of weeks, more doctor visits to figure out what is going on there. My body took quite a beating over the last 6 months, but I'm not quitting, I'm not slowing down. Most people don't go to bed and expect to spend the next 6 months battling for any sense of normalcy. The permanent scars on my body a constant reminder of what I went through, what I'm still going through. The bruises and needle marks from the IVs cover my arms and hands, the dialysis port in my chest, the 3 scars on my wrist from unknown causes and then of course the biggest one of all.... Perhaps my biggest reminder, the distinct square of a defibrillator paddle forever burned on me. 6 minutes I have no memory of, 6 terrifying minutes for my family, thankfully, 6 minutes my daughters are blissfully unaware of. It's a good time to remember. Remember what I've been through. Remember how blessed I am to be here. Remember the fight to get to where I am today. I did not just stop being pregnant. I didn't lose a pregnancy. My baby died. That one sentence, 3 words that rocked me to the core. I will never forget the words of the doctor "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat". It's easy to say "God needed another angel", but He didn't ask you for yours. My greatest regret is that I never got to hold my sweet baby. My little playmate, my beautiful little boy. I would have loved to cuddle him and tell him I love him. I will always love him. There will forever be a piece of me missing. I read a saying; when a spouse dies, it's called being widowed, a child who loses parents is called an orphan, but there is no word for parents who lose a child. That's how truly awful the loss is. I was so lucky that I was able to carry Tomas for 9 whole months, to hold him, and while I was not able to say goodbye in this world, I know he knew of my love for him. I believe he sent me back, when I coded I believe I held my son, I told him of my love, and we said our goodbyes. To live is a gift, and I will live my life every day thanking God I was so blessed to have Tomas. He is and always will be, the little love of my life, my angel baby, my beautiful, precious baby boy. If I can help even one mother with my story of loss and perseverance then it is all worth it. That horrible day in November became a part of me; it was a turning point, a great threshold. Our story as a family is stilling growing, we have so much left to tell, so much left to live. Very few families can go through what we went through and survive, and function. Somehow, someway, we still are. That's not to say we don't struggle, there are days I struggle to get out bed, to move on. There are days I cry for hours until I'm so exhausted I can't breathe. The pain we have learned to live with is unthinkable. But we haven't been knocked down yet. This is my story, this is my families story, and it is far from over.

#baby #babies #stillbirth #stillborn #stillblessed #dialysis #kidney kidneytransplant

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peterandviola · 7 years

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Stubborn as a Coo

Almost four years ago, my husband, Peter, was told I would probably have 1-3 months to live. Thus began our grand, heroic adventure, to live, really live through dire predictions and bad portends. I was barely aware, so sick and sedated I saw things only in abstract. I remember looking up from my sick bed and seeing smiling, egg-shaped heads bobbing on a blue sea. Later, I was told these heads were actually our friends, Marianna and Mike Terhune, and my beloved Peter, leaning over the bed as I cried out in pain. The blue sea was my blue blanket, rumpled into waves of cotton. Such was the onset of my Stage Four Kidney Cell Cancer.

Looking back, I am so grateful at every turn: times when I thought I could not go on, but did. After my surgery, I was transferred to nursing care, where I was the youngest, and I thought, the sanest (although my doctor later said he didn’t think I would ever come back mentally) patient. The first time I sat up was in a steel cage. It was also how I was turned in the bed. It was a while before I could get out of bed to therapy, which hurt like holy hell.

Through it all, Peter came every morning with home brewed coffee, and sometimes fruit salad from our garden. He often brought news of Kenwood, just a few miles away (or a century away, depending on my mood), who he had seen in the Post Office, What Puccini did on his walk, what he had heard from long distance friends by telephone. I soaked up every tidbit; it helped me through some terrible nights of pain and frustration.

There were angels all around me. Linda brought a most beautiful shawl of pink and blue fiber that she had ingeniously woven on her big loom from a Native Indian design. I still wear it, and it never slips off my shoulders. Sharon and Harry came and brought a big thermos of chicken soup so that I could skip the sometimes dreadful food offered at the nursing home. Lytton’s young daughter sent a box of her art, and I had Peter mount it on the wall, so that I could have a smile, no matter which way I was positioned.

Many just came with smiles and warmth that I needed so much. Drew popped in from London. Sally came from New York. Dodie came with flowers from her Kenwood garden. Bill and Donna and Patrick and Kathleen and Mario and Liz and Fitzie--and others flowed in the door like a healing river. Wil brought a copy of My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante. Kelly showed up shortly after one nasty surgery to remind me what year it was (not 1776, as I was certain.) Andi and Chuck loved and prayed for me. Zoë was a constant, and often brought Brianna and Tiggy along. It kept me alive.

As it would turn out, my shiny, new titanium rod failed. The second rod failed. The steel plate that followed failed immediately. There was no blood left in the femur to attach the bone to any of these apparati. Finally, after many stints in re-hab, three orthopedic operations and an operation to remove my left kidney, I found Dr. Rosanna Wustrek, the wizard of ossi-unification. As many of you know, she replaced the remnants of my tattered, dead femur with a new and highly unusual artificial femur.

It was the answer to a prayer, but not a quick fix. Hundreds of hours have been spent in physical therapy and lymphedema therapy (caused by over-radiation). I have so many to thank for this victory—first of all, my first and equally stubborn home therapist, Debi Stuart, and my lymphedema specialist Teri Burk. Many more hours at “my leisure” saw me move from hospital bed to wheelchair to cane and walking sticks—and finally to an all-terrain walker/rollator.

One morning, I woke up with a crazy idea. I thought I could return to my beloved Scotland and repeat something I did for my 40th birthday—climb the little mountain that marks Edinburgh, Arthur’s Seat. It’s only 828 feet high, there are dirt-packed trails on the back side, so that I don’t have to haul myself up on the rock wall, as I did 30 years ago.

I will do this on my 70th birthday.

But first, we will be headed to London to see our son, Drew, and his fiancé and their kids Malakai and Ella. Personally, I must do this, for Sarah McLoughlin (my future daughter-in-law) is one of my inspirations. She, too, has struggled through Cancer and is winning. We will always have this bond – a belief that life is not only worth living, but an exquisite and changeable thing that encompasses everything. I must do this, and count every finger and toe. This will be our first opportunity to travel in a long time.

Then, on to Scotland, for a couple of weeks of travel before we land in the beautiful, old city of Edinburgh for my “assault” on Arthur’s Seat.

I do not know if I can make it to the highest point of Arthur’s Seat, but I will be happy if I go 50 yards up the hill. I am a stubborn woman, just ask my head-shaking husband. Still, it’s gotten me (and every cancer survivor I know) up and on with their lives. I hope all of you, living or departed, will look on my sweaty efforts with the joy I feel.

But, the journey has a couple of provisos. I have a compression fracture in my back—at T-7 (right at the bra line) that will be dealt with upon my return. I have an MRI on the tenth to more fully gauge the damage I am beginning to feel when I am sitting a long time or have fallen asleep in a crazy position. So, the week after I leave the UK, I will be in the Spine Center at UCSF having a consult with a nuero surgeon. Oh joy. With any luck, a relatively simple procedure that involves injecting cement into the fracture should do the trick. If not, there will be updates.

And, probably most troubling is the discovery of two small nodules in my right lung. My oncologist, Dr. Anderson, has put me back on a schedule for scans every three months. It could be the effect of Rheumatoid Arthritis, or it could be Cancer. Unknown and troubling. Another reason I am giving this trip my all, because, if I don’t, will I ever? I better!

I come from a long line of strong women. I mean, really strong, strong like lift- the-Buick-off-the-baby strong. I know this about myself, but I also have deep sensitivities to people and their sadness and pain. I carry these things like saddlebags into my life. Sometimes, it compromises the advances I make in my own life. This year, I have finally come to a point where I have begun to change. While it is of great importance to feel the humanity of others, I cannot carry it all by myself.

I begin each morning with two thoughts: initially upon opening my eyes, I think, “Oh, what a glorious day.” It makes no difference if it is pelting ice and snow. I’m alive, and it is glorious. The second thought that occurs to me is a prayer of sorts, a plea of hopefulness and love. “Please, God, let me be enough.” And that is all, my friends. Hold me in the light, for I am determined to love and live as long and as well as I can. See? Stubborn as a coo.

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chaosunmasked-blog · 7 years

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The Unraveling

And here I still am. Sorry about the massive amounts of posts that just appeared. For some reason, tumblr is blocked at my school, and I was only able to post when I got home. Not to mention I was in the hospital for a week. It was as if it were a best hit album of the best doctors of the bumfuck somewhere place that I attend college.

Anyways, I was admitted twice in the same week! They let me go the first time telling me everything was normal and to follow up with my primary care doctor in a week. The problem: I don't have one in bumfuck nowheresville where I live. So, they said oh yes you can just stay here for a month until you get this figured out...Uhhh, what?

I don't think they understood that too sick to go to school means you have nowhere to live. Once you withdraw and you live on campus, you're kicked off the property. Also, what about my mom? My parents? They can't just zoom down here and buy a house or rent an apartment for who knows how long until I get better. They have to go to work so that they have the money to pay off my medical expenses. Newsflash: broke college student is even more broke when they have to bus themselves between doctors' offices, the ER and the local pharmacy. My meds now cost me $600 a month, which meant buh-bye spending money for college.

So, I left. And then, I came back. Symptoms were worse and low and behold, I was admitted to the PCU, which is a step down from the ICU and tested and treated for the whole host of problems that a didn't have 5 hours ago. Yeah, right. They knew I was really sick. It just turns out the hospitalist was a bitch and discharged me knowing that I had a severe restrictive lung disease. Which the last time I check, doesn't mean nothing is wrong with you. My discharge papers also mentioned partially collapsed lungs and acute bronchitis. The pulmonologist fought to keep me in, but she snuck me out after he left.

Anyways, new list of problems. In addition to the bronchitis and partially collapsed lungs. I have a severe restrictive lung disease, severe GERD which lead to a malformed laynx, extensive swelling and redness, my lungs were pretty much entirely inflamed except for a few spots in the upper lobes, lingual thrush, severely inflamed tonsils (which have been inflamed since July and no one inspected them, seriously??) and abnormal mucosa. I had three biopsies. Also, my arterial blood gases were way off, and I have a weak heart regurgitation throughout almost all of my vales. Also, a new deficiency: potassium. I'm just a leaking ship.

So much for nothing's wrong right? Also, I almost died in between these admissions when I went to a 2nd hospital for a different opinion (still had that horrid breathing issuwe) and they gave me Valium. Despite the discharge papers from a few hours before stating I had a partially collapsed lung and acute bronchitis, they thought I had anxiety. I was brought back an hour later with increased difficulty breathing, stridor and was unresponsive. Luckily, my mom suggested Ativan which brought me back to life, somewhat.

If the hospitalist had only done her job properly, her hospital would not be facing a large fine. And, I would have avoided that near death experience. But, in this country, no one cares as long as they get to go home on time. If that poor sucker dies on you, you still get paid. Right? Only matters how many dead bodies you can hide before you get that first million. You've got to be smart about it.

The best part though was when I was sent home the second time. I was told by my pulmonologist that I was just freaking out over nothing. Everything I have is treatable and don’t go to a doctor for every little thing. However, my parents were told the exact opposite, which led to our little fight today over going to urgent care. I obviously lost as I was too weak to resist when they marched me to the doctor to get some new medication as my symptoms came back. Newsflash, new medication is not working.

Then, I got curious and did something I hardly ever do, which is to read my medical records. And low and behold, I'm really sick. That's how I found out about all this restrictive lung disease, heart condition and how my body has landed me in a whole new town of fuckery. And don’t forget about that wonderfully high blood glucose, which no one cared to treat. And still is not addressing.

So, that's almost every system of the body that my mystery illness has affected. It's destroyed my CNS, kidneys, liver, GI track, heart, lung, immune system/bone marrow, eyes, musculoskeletal system, pancreas, urinary tract and thyroid (levels swing between the two extremes also a new discovery in the second hospitalization).

Yep. And despite all this the pulmonologist said I'll get better. I'm confident. We didn't find anything scary...Yeah, right. This stuff is serious shit. I felt like the ENT was the only honest doctor in the room. He said flat out, "You're too sick to be in school. You're seriously ill and need to be admitted to a hospital that has excellent specialists. I'm out of my depth here."

And his statement is the only one that was honest. I mean. Seriously. He's good. Also, that nasal polyp I had. It wasn't a polyp. Whatever it was is unknown. Which is a problem. I mean a mass appeared in my nose several months before my health takes another nose dive and disappears. Doesn’t that warrant investigation?

I also asked about my tonsils that back in July the doctor said they were inflamed due to multiple childhood illnesses. What the fuck? I asked them to take a look, and they said nope. That's what it is. Even though you're seven years removed from any major childhood infection that you had, your swollen tonsils are due to that. It's completely normal. Bullshit. I mean my primary care doctor looks down my throat and saw nothing? He didn’t see the large, swollen, red, thickened tonsils in my throat? All he said was, "You're really sick and don’t know it."

He gave me antibiotics despite my lack of a fever. I didn’t take them because I didn’t feel like I had a bacterial infection. I had no fever after all. But, anyway it wasn't bacterial or even what he thought it was. He always thinks I have sinusitis, which I did not and do not have and he gave me the meds for that. Whatever freaky thing is growing on my tonsils is not responsive to antibiotics because it seems like it got a whole lot worse.

But anyway, I am not surprised by this development. I'm fucking dying, and no one can figure out why. It has been the status quo for almost a year. Maybe hope still exists out there with my specialist in the middle of somewhere, but I can only pray he comes up with something when it's not too late. Or if the nurses will even tell him one of his patients is probably on the verge of death. (Honestly, he's the best doctor I've ever run across and the first to actually read my entire medical record, but his nurses are the worst bitches I've ever run into. I have to call several times in order to get my two buddies in there to get my messages through.)

Despite France's backwards culture, the doctors actually do a through job and take into account your medical history. Here, the docs throw all that away most of the time guess and nearly kill you (if it's not something mundane). I mean of all the docs I've been to, excluding psychiatrists and psychologists, he's the first to actually do his job. I guess it helps not being American trained? I can't give an answer as to why doctors are so shitty here versus any developed country, but ask a good doctor (if you can find one) and they'll give you a laundry list of issues they would like fixed. (Ironically, I know a good doctor and he prefers to treat himself before relying on one of his colleagues. That should tell you something.)

Exhibit A, the urgent care center. What just happened to me this evening is a clarion call to all those who think America's medical system needs a wake up call. I told the doc, here's my medical record from my recent hospitalization. Her answer, "I don't have time to read that." Instead, she failed to take a medical history. I brought up my thrush infection, since it could cause some of my symptoms when it spreads. She said my thrush infection is something that should be taken up with my primary (which I told her I don’t have yet in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville) and gave me an inhaled steroid because my dad asked her for it.( Nowhere in the notes I received from the hospital did the lung doctor mention that I needed that.) And it didn't help anyway. So, there you go. Drug number 18 and it doesn't work.

This is the problem in America. No one wants to do their job either as a citizen (the election of President Trump) or as a doctor except for the very few (25%) who actually like their jobs. I imagine in that 25% there are probably a good chunk of incompetent people so the percentage of good doctors that won’t kill you in the US is probably quite small.

So, there it is. Sunday is on the horizon and I hope to make it to Monday at the least. But who knows. All I know is that those Syrian refugees being diverted away from the US are going to receive much better healthcare than myself.

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