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netherfeildren · 6 months

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Pink : Part III : Two

Series Masterlist : Part I : Part II

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader

Content Warnings: Heavy angst; DD/lg dynamics; Dom/sub undertones; Daddy Kink; Jealousy; Unprotected Sex; Creampie; Inappropriate shaving; Squirting; Belly bulge; Dirty talk; Orgasm delay/denial; Overstimulation; Face slapping; Spanking; Light degradation; Rough sex; Breeding kink; Divorce; Not safe to read if triggered by pregnancy; Use of misogynistic language; Discussions of mental and emotional abuse; Cliffhanger

A/N: All tags have been updated.

Word Count: 12.7K

Rating: Explicit 18+

Read on AO3

Ko-fi

3. Two

“You know that feeling of… of realizing you’re a good person? It’s like– yes, I know objectively that I probably am. That I try to be kind, I try to do things that are good and right, but you know those strangely self perceptive moments where another person makes you – forces you – to realize you’re good? And it brings your whole life, your whole self into clarity, and it’s like – I am good, and I deserve good things. I am good.

But he treated me so badly, for so long. He took away pieces of me, he took away that awareness of goodness. And how could I not believe him, when he constantly told me and showed me that I deserved so little, when it was what I accepted for myself? Constantly waiting for him to turn into a man he never was, never had been and never would be. I accepted those things for myself, I let them happen. Maybe I was weak or stupid or naive or all of them combined. Maybe I was just a girl. But I thought it was hope at the time. I thought I was being hopeful and good, and now I realize that was no true form of goodness. It was only the version of good he needed me to be, a subservient and silent type of goodness.”

“And you know, I had a neighbor who– her husband died last year at Christmas, and it was so sad. They were older, always together, it was… it has nothing to do with this, but I don’t know. It was like when a tragedy is soft and quiet, and it just folds into the rest of life unheeded. Such a strange thing for someone on the outside looking in. I lived next door to them, and I’d see them all the time living their lives together, and I barely knew them, but suddenly he was gone, and I was conscious of the fact that she was over there alone all the time now. Without him. When before he’d always been there. I don’t know what I'm trying to say. It’s just that it didn't happen to me, it affected me in no way, and yet, I felt her loss keenly. Afterwards, I helped her with her cat, an old skinny thing, Jazz. She started going out of town a lot after her husband died, getting out and away, you know, that sort of thing. And I’d cat sit for her, and he was so sweet. But he was old too, and a few months later, he died also. And I remember the week he was going to pass she’d texted me and said he’d go soon, and I told her I was praying for him, thinking of the both of them. I don’t even pray, but I needed to tell her I was with her in some way. And it was nothing, a few nights going over there to feed the old boy, a few text messages. It was the absolute bare minimum I could do, but a few weeks after the cat died, she wrote me the loveliest note. She told me that she appreciated me, that she thought of how kind I’d been during those days, when I’d told her I was thinking of them. She told me that I was a good person, and that she hoped my kindness was returned to me many times over.

And I’d forgotten, you see, I'd forgotten that I was good. That I had a capacity for goodness within me, and that I deserved to be reminded of it, like all soft creatures are. We all need reassurance and a kind word sometimes, and I’d forgotten that about myself.” You glance up at his eyes, the most tender look held in them. “Do you know what I mean, Joel?” You ask, voice very small, shy and afraid, for one moment, that he won’t understand you.

But he pets your hair, cradles your cheek, “Yeah, honey. I think I do know.”

It’s a terrifying ordeal, the way the two of you fold into each other in the weeks after that first night. And yet, unstoppable. You do try, and you’re sure he does, as well. The first few days, trying to stay away, not answering his calls, no texts because he says his fingers are too big, and he can’t work those tiny fuckin’ buttons, forcing yourself not to run back over there into his arms and his bed. But then he’s calling and calling and calling, begging, making it his turn to show up at your doorstep in the middle of the night, saying all the right things like, I haven’t been sleeping, and I need to see you, and I’m suffering, I’m suffering without you, touching you in all the right ways that should be wrong but aren’t. All baby, I hurt when I’m not inside this sweet pussy. He says you make him weak, and you tell him that the only weak thing here is you, and you don’t make it much of a struggle for him when you let him in your home, in your cunt, when all you can say is I miss you, I miss you, your cock, your hands, I can’t stop thinking about you. The two of you are one and the same in all the ways it counts. And he’s not your father-in-law anymore, a chameleon now in the form of the only man who’s ever understood you, wanted you, seen you as more, as a complexity.

He makes you wonder how you could have ever thought of yourself as anything like sexless when all he makes you is hungry and desperate and wet. Fucking everywhere you can, as often as you can, never being very careful, pulling out and counting your cycle and starting out with a condom but ripping it off halfway through because I just have to feel you – irresponsible bullshit. Not having your head screwed on tightly enough to even really care. He has you on his living room floor one afternoon, whole day gone away on his cock, and the two of you lay there for hours afterwards, bare limbs wrapped around each other, soft, wet cock tucked safely inside of you where he says it belongs. “How could you have not been angry?” You ask him because you can’t help yourself. Because you want him to teach you to be wise now that he’s shown you how to be good. “That he was kept from you? That you missed an entire lifetime of being a father? I never once saw you furious or resentful. How did you do it?”

“Don’t know,” he sighs. “Dunno… I– It was, kind of, the worst thing anyone’s ever done to me, truth be told, but I didn’t have a chance to compute, to sit in any sort of anger. He was right there all of a sudden, too full of anger to leave any left over for me, and he needed me so much. He needs me so much.” And you know he’s right, and there should be guilt now, gnawing at you, but there is really only jealousy. “And he– he…” A swallow, like you can read his mind, you know what he’ll say, already nodding. “And he hates me,” he whispers into the quiet of this lovely home he’s made for himself, his words mixing with the butter yellow ray of sunshine the two of you are lying in, slanting in through the big bay window. “He hates me, hates who I am. That it’s me he found when he came lookin’.” You have to cry for him then, maybe even for the both of them, maybe even for all three of you.

“Yes,” you choke, so full of sadness for the tragedy of it all. You can’t comfort him with a denial for you’re not a liar here with him. Protection like that isn’t necessary.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart.” He hugs you so tightly, “There’s no reason to cry.”

“I can’t help it,” And return the words he’d given you once when you’d so badly needed a kindness, “You deserve more.”

He’s quiet for a long time after that, and you know him well enough now that you can hear the gears of his mind working and turning, and that makes you even sadder, perhaps, the greatest tragedy of all, this knowing, and eventually he says: “And yet, he is the son I have.” And at the end of it all, you think you are all only yourselves, and nothing can really be done about that.

And you say you want to be wise like him, that it’s your next lesson, so perhaps you should hold your tongue instead of saying: “He only just got you back, and I’m taking you away from him again. Because that’s what I want – I want to take you away and keep you only for myself. I want you to be only mine and that makes me bad. I’m bad.” Your first lesson quashed beneath the fist of your greed for a man who isn’t for you, and who you shouldn’t want, and it’s wrong and maybe even sinful or disgusting or any and all the things that are always bad. None of that matters. He’s turned you into a real person now, none of the rest of it matters.

But he understands, because of course he does, because he always has. He grips your jaw in his hands, large, strong hands, hands made for taking care of things, and tells you, not so wise seeming anymore: “Sometimes I look at myself, and it’s like I'm two feet tall. Why didn’t I meet you sooner? First? How could I have been such a coward to not go out there and search for you? I should have known you were out there, I should have sensed it. How can a man be jealous of his own son?” He turns you over then, cock hard and thrusting again, kisses you full on the mouth, and it tastes like ownership, and says, “You could never be bad. No matter what you did. You’re only ever good. Haven’t I taught you that?”

“Joel, there’s someone at the door,” peeking into the restroom where he’s just stepped out of the shower, wet and steaming, shaking his head out like a dog, towel covering all the fun bits. He’d just had you too many times already, and still, you want more. You’re made of nothing but greed now; he’s taught you how to be good, but he’s also taught you how to be greedy. You’d been strewn across his couch, eating chips and wearing his clothes and leaking his come and waiting for him to finish in the shower and come out to make dinner. He was doing steaks on the grill and baked potatoes with all the fixings and roasted vegetables, and he’d even gotten a pie and ice cream, but he said he wasn’t telling you what the flavor was, only that it was your favorite, and you can’t think how he’d know you love rhubarb, but if that’s what he’s gotten, you were going to let him do anything to you. Literally anything he wanted. Not that you didn’t already… but still, it’s the sentiment that counts, you think. He’d also said you weren’t allowed to shower, that the rule tonight was that you weren’t allowed to wash him off, and you really didn’t mind that so much. So there you were, after he’d put on Stepmom for you, and you were just thinking that Julia Roberts was surely the most beautiful woman who’d ever been born, when someone had knocked on the door, a rhythmic, friendly: tap, tap, tap, that had your heart dropping down into your stomach, and you scurrying into the master bath to frantically tell him that someone is here while you’re here wearing him all over and inside of you and what are you going to do now? He gives you a calm smile, running the towel over his wet head, giving you an eyeful of the fun bits now, and you try and not peek, you really do, but it’s really just the most exciting part on him, you can’t help yourself. His smile turns knowing, that look in his eye, “S’alright, sweetheart. Don’t fret, I’ll get it.”

“But–” you try and protest, maybe he should just pretend not to be home. What if it’s– you can’t even think of it. But then no, he’d not come here. He hates coming to this house, the proof of everything he wasn’t all in his face like this was humiliating for your ex-husband.

His smile remains, but his eyes go a little stern, “No worryin’, I’ll take care of it.” He tugs on his jeans, the man literally never wears underwear, slut, and tugs on a shirt, pressing a kiss to your forehead as he passes you, hand dragging over your belly, smelling of soap and Joel and want, want, want. You follow him on tip toes down the hall, pausing at the mouth of the living room, chewing on your lip and your fingers, about to spit your heart out with nerves as he pulls the door open.

“Hi, Joel, honey. How’s it goin’?” Pretty, bubbly, overly friendly voice you were definitely not expecting. You take a small step forward, the mouth of the hall slightly to the left of the front door so that you can see her without her seeing you, watch his profile as he talks to her. Edie, he says, and that dishwasher givin’ you trouble again, and laughs at her reply, the sound of their conversation going out of your ears as you watch him, head falling sideways on your neck a little bit, the way he laughs at whatever the woman that’s come knocking on the door of his home all friendly and comfortable to interrupt his time with you is saying, loud, bellyfull, one arm braced against the doorframe so that you can see her eyes flit every few seconds to the thick bulge of muscle there. Your face goes hot, your insides green and bitter, but he’s laughing just handsomely enough that you know it’s not real. You know his real laugh, and it isn’t this one. The woman leans forward, blonde hair and big boobs and batting lashes, but Joel shifts backwards subtly, keeping a respectful distance, and your pulse throbs at the backs of your knees and the pit of your stomach. She likes him, she’s here because she likes him, asking him to look at her dishwasher or something, yeah, sure, sure that’s the only thing she wants looked at.

“I’ll come take a look at it tomorrow. How ‘bout that? I’m sure it’ll be another quick fix like last time, but you should probably think about just replacin’ the thing at this point,'' he tells her.

“Oh, can’t you now, Joel?” She pouts, “It’s just that–”

“I’m tied up tonight, Edie,” he cuts her off, an indulgent, too charming smile on his face, and oh, it pisses you off, that smile. You turn on your heel, stomping down the hall back to his bedroom. Huffing, gnashing your teeth. The sight of him with another woman, a more appropriate woman because of course she is, it makes you sick, angry, something terrible, so, so jealous your bones itch beneath the surface of your skin. It makes you small and slanted again, wrong place, wrong time, wrong girl. Not for him, never for him, and it’s so unfair, and he is so– so… Smiling at her like that, using that tone of voice, propping up his stupid huge arm like that so that his muscle’s all defined and put on display, and you hate him and the way he makes you feel and how much you want and need him. On the verge of tears or screaming or vomiting you scramble around his room, trying to collect your clothes and your strewn panties and where the fuck is your bra and your other shoe?

“What’re you doin’?” Comes his soft, steady voice a moment later. Entirely too even for the way you feel right now. You want to hiss at him or bite him or do something entirely uncivilized.

“I have to go home.”

“Why?”

“I have something to do. I forgot.”

“Something, what? What do you have to do?” But you ignore him, rifling through the strewn clothes on the armchair in the corner – where the hell is your goddamn bra? “Look at me–” he barks, now having stepped further into the bedroom.

“Oh, fuck off,” and there’s a part of you that knows that you’re being irrational, that he’s done nothing wrong, but you feel so provoked suddenly. In need of a fight or a thrashing or something, something to make this terrible feeling poisoning you on the inside go away.

“Watch your mouth, little girl,” and his voice is so calm and so quiet and so scary. It makes you lock up one second, spin around the next to spit and hiss at him like an angry cat. You will not watch your mouth. “She wants you.” You almost stomp your foot like a child throwing a fit, but he’s entirely still and silent, taking you in with the most unfathomable of looks. “Do you know that?” And this time you do stomp your foot. “Do you want her back?”

He blinks once, and then like a lightbulb turning on, even though you’re obvious as daylight, “You’re jealous.”

“Do you want her back?” You ask again, real tears in your voice this time.

And his gaze goes soft and tender and entirely understanding, “Never.” He shakes his head.

“She looked like a fucking idiot.” You pout, childish – how will he ever want you when you act like this?

“I only want you.” But you don’t believe him. How could you? When there’s nowhere for this to go. When he deserves so much more than the options afforded to him here between the two of you. And you want to fight with him because there’s nothing to be done, no choices, no other recourse, and it’s not his fault and there’s no one to blame and no outlet for this terrible anger inside of you. You feel like you’re choking on it, being swallowed whole, that head breaking water feeling reversed so that now you’re deep at the bottom of the well of your own wanting. You turn back to the fruitless search for your bra. He’s hidden it from you, you’re sure, some evil old man ploy to keep you here trapped and braless with him. “Did you hear me? I only want you,” he says again, voice closer now.

And you think you’re mumbling or crying, something hysterical bubbling up inside of you, I have to go, I have to go, your movements manic and jerking. He grips your arm, jerking you around into his chest, face flushed with anger now, but voice still even, “You’re not fucking listening to me. I only want you,” and yanks your hand to feel the hard cock trapped beneath the confines of his jeans. This is only for you. But it’s not, not in any real way, not in a way that would let you keep him and that realization sets something off inside of you. You thrash in his hold, let me go, let me go, trying to kick him in the shins while he tries to wrap his arms around your struggling form, that rumbling chant constant in your ear, I only want you, I only want you, I am only for you. It feels like he’s burrowing beneath your skin, unzipping you, splaying your insides wide open for his gaze, taking hold of your bones, a puppet on his string. You manage to yank your arm out from beneath his grip and unthinking, a buzzing so high pitched it makes you dizzy and nauseous sounding in your ears, you slap him in the face. Not very hard, maybe, but enough that you hear the crack of your palm meeting the grizzled scruff of his cheek. The sound like a bone snapping, setting off something inside both of you even worse, more frenzied than before. He groans deep in his chest, big hand fisting in your hair and jerking it back so hard you yelp in pain. “Hit me again, do it again. I want you any way I can have you, even angry. Do it again,” he goads you on, but that mindless hand is fisted in his shirtfront now, pulling you closer to him, tear stained mouth seeking his, opening to receive his filthy kiss.

“I’m sorry,” you cry, but all he says is that he only wants you, again and again, grips you harder, makes it hurt more, and you whine and whimper and scratch and bite, a wild thing, the two of you caught up in some strange struggle of push and pull and want and fight. You can feel the hard length of his cock grinding against your belly, searching for something hot and wet to fuck into, and you hitch your knee around his hip, open yourself to him, listen to his groan in your ear, throaty and full.

“You just need a little remindin’? Don’t you, huh?” He tugs your head back, none too gentle, to look at your tear slicked face, his eyes on fire, almost a little manic. He spins you away from him, shoving you towards the bed, ignoring your whines and protests, shut up and bend over, pushing you over the edge of the bed and crouching down behind you. “You just need a little remindin’ of how to be a good girl. I know that’s all this fightin’ is. Right, baby?” No, you try and struggle, kicking your leg out uselessly to the side, but he pins you with your arms back behind you at the small of your waist, pushing his shirt up your back to expose the naked curve of your ass and the pussy you know he’ll find humiliatingly wet and hungry for him. “Just need remindin’ of how to be a good girl for me, right?” His fingers slide down to the apex of your thighs, finding you dripping and swollen from his earlier use and your current desire, all twisted up and compounded ten fold with your jealousy.

“So wet already for me, baby,” he coos at you.

And oh, he’s so annoying, and you’re so embarrassing and weak for him. “Shut up, old man,” you whine. A single finger enters you slowly, rubbing up against all the terribly sensitive and swollen places inside of you, then pulls his wet fingers from you to deliver a single stinging swat to the curve of your ass, sticky wet imprint of yourself left behind.

“Yeah, and this old man fucks you better than anyone else,” he slips his fingers gently back inside of you, “Remember that you little whore,” he says even more gently. The words make you twist and writhe, a terrible flush of lust burning through you. He feels you tighten around his fingers, groans appreciatively. “Oh, you like that, don’t you?” He twists his fingers inside of you, pressing hard against something that makes you feel like you’re about to wet yourself. You cry out, squeezing your eyes shut and shaking your head, refusing to answer. “No lyin’. You daddy’s little whore?”

“Nuh uh,” you shake your head, your hips moving with the rhythm of his thrusting fingers. He brushes his thumb slowly over your pulsing clit, plays you like a game.

“No?” His voice is so soft, so teasing.

“I’m not your whore–”

“You’re not? Then what are you, baby? Tell me.”

You’re right there, so close, about to come on his fingers. “I'm your baby. I'm your baby. I’m yours– I belong to you, daddy.” He pulls his fingers from your cunt, hand coming to grip your ass cheek so hard it hurts, fingernails digging into your soft skin, dragging down the smooth surface. You can hear him panting behind you, shaking, trying to control himself. He makes a gruff, rough sound in his throat, gentles his grip on you.

“You don’t think I don’t get fucking jealous?” he spits when he’s finally managed to control himself. “You think I don't think about you with my own son and want to die? That he got to have you in a way I never will, and even worse, wasted you? You don’t think it makes me sick with envy?” He brings his fingers back to play in your wet folds, feels the slick drip of you, thrums at your clit, opening you to him with a hand on your cheek and licking you from clit to asshole. Running the flat expanse of his tongue over the length of your sex and then sucking hard at the apex of nerves, hard enough that you can’t tell if it hurts or feels good or a little bit of both. He’s got you bent over the end of his bed facing the dresser so that you have a clear view of the two of you in the mirror above it. And the sight of him, massive frame crouched down behind you, huge and hulking, face buried in your cunt from behind, the curved slope of his nose, the long, thick lashes, eyes closed like he’s enjoying himself more than he’s ever enjoyed anything else in his entire life as he licks your ass and sucks on your clit. He pulls back, and you watch, almost in slow motion, as he shocks you by swatting your entire sex with his big hand, and then immediately brings his face back to lick and kiss your smarting skin. “But he didn’t fuck you the way you needed to be fucked,” he continues. “And I do. He didn’t understand you, but I do. At least I have that.” It sounds like he’s consoling himself, and you can’t help but find consolation in it as well. Your eyes move up to your own reflection, sweat slicked and tear stained, eyes glassy, wet fingers inside of your mouth because you need something to chew on to stand the terrible throbbing in your cunt on the verge of coming. He licks you again, presses his tongue to your asshole. “Did you ever get wet for him like this?” He pulls back, runs the pads of his fingers over your clit in fast, hard up and down motions, makes it feel so good it hurts, you’re right there, you’re right there, pulls away. “Were you ever desperate for him like this? Cunt all drippy and swollen and pathetic for him like you are for me, my sweet baby?”

Never, daddy. Never. Only you. You can’t lie to him when he’s got his tongue inside of you, it’s just not possible. Only me. Only mine. You press up on your tippy toes, roll back down onto the balls of your feet, “Yeah, rub that sweet pussy all over daddy’s face,” he mumbles into your skin, slurps at you. He wraps his lips around your clit once more, sucks and licks and sucks again, and your cunt goes so, so tight, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come, daddy, and then just stops. Pulls away entirely, gets to his feet, leaves you to throb and shiver and beg, whole body flashing hot and cold on the precipice of orgasm. Still holding you pinned in place with your wrists at the small of your back, you watch his eyes roam along your draped form, he drags his hand down the wet length of his face, wiping the drippiness of your slick away. “Stay just like that for me,” and his eyes move to yours in the mirror, as if he’s known the entire time just how riveted on him you’d been. “What?” He asks with a crooked brow and a mean little smirk. “You think you get to come? After that little display?”

“Don’t be mean,” you whisper, staying exactly as he’d directed. Trying your best to be a good girl.

“Shoulda thought of that before, sweet girl.” He bends over the length of you so you’re eye to eye now, gets his face right up close to yours and presses a kiss to the tip of your nose. “You wanna pretend to fight, stand there like an indignant little girl stomping your foot and yellin’ about bein’ jealous while my come runs down your thighs still. Obviously, I’m not doin’ a good enough job of remindin’ you you’re mine, how much I want you. Gonna fix that now.” Presses another soft kiss to your mouth now.

“You’re trying to dominate me,” you whine, struggling to press against his mouth again even as he pulls back out of your reach, plants a big palm between your shoulders to keep you still.

“You bet your fuckin’ ass I am. You’re gonna do what I tell you to when you’re letting me fill you with my come the way you are. And you’re gonna like it too. You get me?”

“Yes, daddy.”

But then he goes serious, that teasing glint in his eyes flickering away suddenly. “You have nothing to be jealous of. Ever. I don’t want anyone but you. I don’t care about anything else but this.” And even though you’re sure it must be a lie, it sounds so lovely, you choose to believe him for now. You nod up at him, sniffling and crying again a little bit. “And no one takes care of you like I do,” he finally says, as if it’s a reminder, a consolation to the both of you once again.

And he’s right, as he tells you to stay put, be a good girl and not move, leaves you there bent over the bed, that chant sounds in your mind, no one takes care of you like he does, no one, no one, no one.

He steps back into his bedroom to the sight of you still draped over the bed, big eyes wet and slightly vacant, pussy red and swollen and bared to him like a wound with his name on it. You’d brought your fingers up to your mouth, chewing on your fingernails the way you did sometimes when you were anxious or overwhelmed, and when your eyes flit to him, taking in the bowl of warm water, the washcloth and shaving cream in his hold, they go wide, shocked. He arranges his things, gripping you by the hips to turn you over, pulling his shirt from you, leaving you entirely naked, and settling between your spread thighs. “Wh– what are you doing?” Voice all breathy and hitched, the thrum of your excited pulse in your throat.

“Gonna shave you bare. Then I’m gonna eat you ‘til you’re crying, ‘til you’re so swollen you can barely take my fingers. After that, I’m gonna wedge my cock inside you and fuck you ‘til you’re so full’a my come you’ll remember not to forget you ain’t got no reason to be jealous ever again.” He strokes your curls gently with the pad of his thumb, something like fondness in the gesture, clicks his tongue. “These’re so pretty. Gonna miss ‘em.”

“Oh my god,” you choke when he drapes the water warmed washcloth over your spread pussy.

“You wanna be a brat, you wanna fight and act like you don’t know I belong to you and you to me? That none of that other shit matters– I’m gonna remind you, don’t worry.”

You crane your neck, pushing up on your elbows to watch him remove the washcloth and cover the soft curls of your groin with shaving cream. When he opens the blade and brings it to your skin, the sight of the straight edged blade against you, the smooth cream as the steel reveals the bare, satin soft skin beneath, has your chest heaving, sweat pooling at the little notch of your throat – fucking gorgeous and his.

“You’re going to be so sensitive, baby,” he murmurs as he bends your leg back and opened wide, splitting you for his gaze. Delicate with the movements of his wrist as he shaves you. “All bare and slick down here, just for me. You’re so swollen already.”

You mumble something, moaning and letting yourself flop back against the mattress, he’s quick to pull the blade from you, pausing his movements while you settle, gives you a second to press the balls of your palms into the sockets of your eyes, whining Joel and daddy and please. And the trust in this moment between the two of you, that you’re letting him wield a blade so close to your fragile center, letting him do this to you as a way to remind the both of you of the power you cede and wield over and to one another, something that gives him the opportunity to inflict his will in a way that recenters you, reminds you that you’re his, his to do with you as he will, and it’s just the two of you in this space and you trust each other implicitly, it has a sense of control swelling inside of Joel, making his cock rock hard in his jeans, leak down his thigh. Control in a way there is none of in everything else between the two of you. Control in a way there cannot exist in any other aspect of your relationship. When he’s finished, he cleans you slowly with a new warm, damp cloth, then goes to put away his supplies, and when he returns, he looms over you, taking in the sight of your little bald cunt now.

Slowly, he starts to pull his clothes off, watching the quick panting of your breathing, the dip and swell of your belly, so aroused by the intimacy you’ve just shared that your pupils are blown wide and dark. “You’ve made such a mess, little girl,” he says, dragging a single finger through your overflowing slit, following the slick from your swollen clit to your asshole where it pools beneath. He fingers your folds gently, avoiding your swollen clit, your little hole winking at him wantonly. “Please–” you whisper so softly, almost gasping for breath you can barely get the words out.

“Oh, I know, sweetheart. I know you need to come so bad, don’t you?” He drags his palms up and down your thighs, up to your waist and then tugs you down over the edge of the bed and onto your knees in front of him, wide eyes riveted hungry on his cock. “How does it feel? So sensitive, isn’t it?” He’s so hard his erection stands straight up towards his belly, balls hanging heavy and full and aching. He gently drags his fingers along your scalp, feels the heat emanating from your skull. “Lick it all over, get it nice and wet so I can put it inside you.” He knows he needs to be careful now. The two of you are wide open to each other in this moment, so on edge he could come just at the look in your eyes, and you, something more than just vulnerable. He’d worried briefly, in the past weeks, if he should stop, send you away, take himself away, tell you it was too much. You were getting too attached, and although he knew it was too late for himself, that he was beyond salvaging when it came to you, he could imagine nothing worse than seeing you come out hurt from this. Could also imagine no scenario in which you wouldn’t anymore. He feeds you his cock, fisted tightly at the root to stave off his impending orgasm, slides all the way to the back of your throat until he feels his tip hit resistance, enjoying the sight of you choking on it for just a second. Good girl. “Fuck– fuck, yes. See, see how good you can be for me?” He tells you as you suck on his tip, hollowing your cheeks and running your tongue all around the wide head, tonguing his foreskin, making him hiss and bear his teeth at you while you look up at him with falsely innocent eyes. He yanks you up and against him, gives you a filthy, wet kiss, all tongue and teeth and false control, swallowing down the taste of his own precum. He’s never felt less in control of himself, of a situation, than he does right now. He has, in these past weeks, entirely lost sight of himself, of what this should and should not have been, blindly led by his cock and his heart. He’s lost all control, and Joel is nothing but weakness and want now.

Turning you in his arms, he sits at the edge of the bed, thighs spread wide and pulls you onto his lap, impaling you back onto his spit-slick cock so swiftly he doesn't even think you’re expecting it until he’s bumping against your womb, your knees hooked and spread wide over his own. Too desperate to lick your cunt again the way he’d planned. You let out a long, shocked keen, back arching, trying to escape the too big cock suddenly shoved inside of your tiny hole. Joel has to grit his teeth, take deep breaths through his nose and out through his mouth before he can speak at the feel of you fluttering and pulsing around him, “The more you whine, the harder I’ll fuck you, got it?” There’s nothing even close to a coherent response coming out of your mouth, and he was right, shaved bare like this, you’re so much more sensitive. He pulls the lips of your sex gently apart around where he’s impaling you, takes in the sight of your little hole stretched obscenely around his fat cock in the mirror’s reflection and slowly starts to seesaw his hips back and forth, watching his glossy length disappear in and out of you. “How does it feel, baby? You’re so pretty, look at yourself.” He whispers into the small shell of your ear, presses a soft kiss to the lobe, tugs on it with his teeth. He slides in all the way, pulling your hips down so that his balls press against the curve of your ass. “Look, see where daddy’s so deep inside you – can see it in your belly.” Your head lolls back on his shoulder, gaze hooded and delirious, but your hand moves down to the soft skin of your stomach, gently cupping the outline of his cock inside of you. “I’m so deep inside of your tiny cunt, baby. Look at how you’re all mine–” He starts to move again, flicking at your clit, interchanging between fast and hard and slow and so soft you can barely feel it, and your face looks like you want to say something, tell him something, scream, but can’t. And there’s so much he’d like to tell you too, all the things you deserve and probably need to hear from him, but can’t either. He feels you start to tighten up on him, the heat in your body suddenly seeming to flush higher and brighter, almost to boiling, your cunt going so, so tight it almost pushes him out. He presses inside harder, holds you in place with one hand, and thrums fast and hard at your clit with the other, focusing the tip of his cock at the front wall of your pussy, “You’re gonna come–” he grunts, holds you in place and hammers into that swollen place inside of you he’d kill to own for the rest of his life. “Fuck– fuck, you’re gonna squirt all over my cock, aren’t you? Can feel it–” Your face spasms, your belly clenching hard and tight, and you gush, letting out a pained, animal sound, voice broken and breathless, wetting both of your thighs with your come, the bed covers beneath soaked dark. Joel doesn’t stop. He wants more, again, all of you, thrums again at your clit with the pads of his fingers, changes the angle of your hips to roll you fast and hard onto his come-slicked length, pinches your clit hard, watches you squirt all over him again. Something like the sound of his name leaves your mouth in a broken cry, your chewed raw nails trying to claw at him ineffectively. “Dirty fucking girl – creamin’ all over your daddy’s cock,” his voice is gruff, not entirely his own. There’s something here – you’d told him once you’d always felt out of control. In your relationship with Sam, aware of what he was, always, of what you were and were not, and that there was something about control that was so necessary to you now. And there is something here like control, your control over him, taking hold of him entirely so he’s unsure of what it is he should and should not be, here and now, with you. He should not be delusional, he should be aware. He is not adhering to either very well.

He goes to his feet with you still impaled on his throbbing length, erection so hard it hurts, can barely stand up straight, blood pounding on rhythm to the chant of your name. He pulls you from him, watches the slick slide of your cunt walls dragging along his length, the cream of your slick left as a reminder all over his skin. He presses you onto the bed, rolls you this way and that too look at you all over, bends to drag his tongue through that drippy cunt of yours that squirts and comes so prettily for him, then back up and kneeling above you, between your glossy thighs, and thrusting into that tight cunt, grunting as you clench around him. So hard he feels the screaming tip of his cock punch against your cervix, listens to you make a hurt, hiccupy sound when his balls slap against you.

He should be gentle. He should be careful. He should be aware, not delusional, himself. He should reach back and take hold of that man he always thought himself to be, hard and cold but never cruel. Maybe not good, but always aware and never weak. He’s none of those things now here with you. Joel is now only himself. You’ve made me into a real person, you’d whispered onto his tongue. What he’d not told you was that you’d done the same to him.

You’re a gift, a gift, a gift, a gift. A gift in the way his son never was. A gift in the way that a whole lifetime lost and returned to him never was, and Joel is weak and two feet tall and made of paper, but for you. Anyways, or despite it all, still made only for you.

“Fuck me like you’re in love with me,” you say, read his mind, take hold of the beating mass in his chest. Fuck me like you’re in love with me. And maybe you don’t mean it. Maybe you’re too far gone. It doesn’t matter.

He does it anyway. Pulls back, wedges back inside the too swollen, too sensitive, too tiny cunt that belongs to him. He bears his teeth at you, grabs hold of your face so hard you’ll bruise, and fucks you like he’s in love with you. It comes to him so easily, after all.

Shoving his knees high up beneath your thighs, he brings your ankles to his shoulders, little feet knocking against his ears, he wishes for sense, he finds none, only a deeper, sharper angle. The sounds of your cries and the things you whisper in his ear he knows you should not say and he should not listen to that fill him full of things he should not feel like I was made for you and daddy, there’s no one like you and come inside me, please, please, I need it. He pulls his hips back, swings them forward, listens to the sound of his balls slap, and you beg for harder, savors the fire that pools in his belly and the base of his spine. And he thinks that he should pull out, he’s been so fucking careless with you and your future and your vulnerability, but he’s like a monster full of greed, intent on nothing but staking his claim, leaving a claim, desperate for a way to be remembered or never forgotten or never left behind. “We have to be careful,” he begs you, and feels scared and terrible for a moment, not to be trusted with a gift like this in his hands. “I’m going to get you fucking pregnant, God.”

But you’re like some siren, something taking him away from himself, and you tell him, “I don’t care, I don’t care,” voice gone so far away from yourself too, all hazy, full of bubbles and too cock drunk to be true or sane, but it lands like a gut punch anyway. And Joel tries to hold onto himself he does, he swears he does, tries to remain rational, and aware of what this was supposed to be and not supposed to be. Tells you to please, “Shut up, shut up. Please, don’t say those things to me, I’m begging you.” But eventually that siren song wins out, the feel of your cunt sucking him deeper, milking him dry, your small damp hands pulling at his hair, stubby nails dragging down the skin of his cheeks, over his back, and Joel’s weak now. Weak and full of want and greed and delusion so that all that’s left is capitulation and: “You want daddy to fuck his babies into you? You want me to fill you up and keep you forever?” But something of himself must remain because he covers your mouth, big hand wrapped around your sweaty little face before you can answer, forcing the words silent inside of your mouth, the truth you both know you’d spit out otherwise. Yes, yes, I do. And as if the idea of you carrying his child held a direct like to your orgasm, you start to come around him, overwhelmed cunt, split in two and carved in the shape of his name now, clenching around him, going so wet and hot and tight Joel’s sure he’ll never be able to leave it ever again. You reach down between the two of you, grasp the half of his cock outside of your wet clutch, shiny with your slick and jack him off with sharp little tugs, make sure he fills you with his spend full to the brim. He spills over and out, dribbles down the slope of your ass to leave you lying in a little puddle of his semen, and when he pulls out, careful to not ask you to hold all of his weight over you, he brings your fingers to your gaping cunt, “Feel where daddy’s been,” lets you play in the imprint of himself he’s left behind.

He lays beside you, steaming hot little thing worming up against him, nuzzling beneath his chin, pressing tiny kisses that tell him all the things the both of you need to hear and say, and he feels himself go cool and dry inside and out. Something terrible suddenly swelling within him. Something that reeks of truth, and you must smell it in the air as well because you share a piece of your own painful honesty with him, force him to confront it. “Sometimes I think I’m impossible to love,” in the smallest voice he’s surely ever heard.

“Haven’t I shown you how untrue that is?” Because if there’s one thing he’ll never do with you, it’s lie.

You tuck your hand beneath your cheek, and you glow, and he feels blinded by it for a moment, eyes wide and so vulnerably tender, something afraid that makes something equally vulnerable inside of him rage and beat its chest. “Is that what this is? Are we in love, Joel?”

He thinks you must see the fear in his eyes, because yours suddenly go calm, fathomless, something steady for him to hold on to, and that stench of honesty chokes him. “Yeah–” he nods, swallows, thinks of his son, hates himself. “I think so, baby.”

What can remain the same after honesty like that? After splitting yourself open and showing each other your insides in such a way? What could possibly remain the same? Nothing. The truth is laid bare, and all that’s left now. And instead of setting you free, the truth never really sets you free, it makes everything terribly fraught and frightened and fragile.

When he moves to stand, the sound of your desperation for him to make you his in an irreversible way rings like exploding shrapnel in your ears, “Do you think we’re bad?” You ask because you’ve only ever wanted to be good, but his eyes are so haunted, large and round and fathomless. His face, taking on a sudden sort of gauntness as he thinks of what to say to you after the worst has already been said. You watch the line of his throat ripple as he swallows several times, reading the real truth in his eyes before he shakes his head slowly, incongruous like a lie, “Never you,” and he does not include himself, “Never you.” It’s devastating. Devastating that the only thing that’s ever mattered, the thing that has finally made you good, is bad in his eyes.

You sit at the kitchen table, watching him while he makes dinner for you. Cold and shivery and wet between your legs in a way that’s not comfortable anymore. In a way that feels like an essential part of you is slowly dripping out, leaving you grossly empty inside. The beautiful dinner he’d bought and made for you tastes like ash wrapped in all the honesty surrounding the two of you, and you stare at each other and there's no need for more words because the truth is all right here in front of the two of you to see with your own two eyes. You want to go get dressed, but you don’t want to call attention to the seed of wrongness that’s been planted now. Are we in love? When the answer had so obviously been yes for so long already. Naive, silly girl. And you want to be angry with him. Ask him why he’d done this to you, made you fall in love with him when he’d said before that you couldn’t, when it was all so hopeless. You also want to hear him say it, say the words out loud with teeth and tongue and sound, you want to taste the words in your mouth because seeing them in his eyes wrapped in all that hopelessness isn’t nearly enough to satiate this hunger he’s stoked inside of you. You want to ask him to hold you, to crawl into his lap and have him cradle you like a child protected in the embrace of stronger, wiser arms. You want to have never been put on this path, to have never met his son, never have married him, never have met him. You want the whole terrible ordeal to be wiped from mind and mouth and memory. You want to have not had to accept it all, not have moved on, not be grateful in ways you can’t even understand for the lesson it’d all posed. You want it all to have never happened. To never have experienced the entire convoluted mess of feelings this ordeal of tearing down your entire life to make yourself anew had caused. To have never fallen in love with your ex-husbands father.

He sits in his chair, hands cupping his chin for so long, silent and staring, probably wondering what to do with you, and when he finally stands, nothing but a long, pained sigh to interrupt the terrible silence, you finally muster the strength to go find that missing bra. Crawl home, once again a ghoul in the night in need of wound licking. And it must be that very same terrible silence, the even more terrible look in his eyes that has something pressurized, set to burst, bottled inside of you because when a knock on the door sounds once again, you don’t even stop for half a thought, exploding suddenly. In his clothes and come, ripping the door open, the words on your tongue ready to spit at her that he’s already got one desperate woman on his hands that needs taking care of, and no, he will not be fixing her dishwasher or her pussy or anything else she thinks she might need him for.

But it’s not the neighbor. And you have nothing but fear lodged in your throat to spit out when you meet his eyes.

Eyes like his father’s, colder, crueler, furious and humiliated, take you in. Just fucked hair and a flannel that’s not your own, mis-buttoned, come-dryed thighs. And worst of all, his voice, like he isn’t even that surprised, like he’d come here just to find this, “You fucking whore.”

“Sam–” you’re not sure if you actually say his name, but the intention is held there, on the tip of your tongue. A plea for mercy or a shout for help or protection or something.

“You fucking whore,” and you flinch at the scream in his throat, scuffle back into the safety of the house of the man you love who is the father of the man you were married to, the man who broke you, the betrayed son. He’s shocked still for a single second, before he’s charging at you, fist not entirely raised but definitely held with consideration. And, “I knew it, I always fucking knew it,” before Joel is there, stepping between you and your ex-husuband, his son, blocking you with his body, big hand wrapping entirely around your forearm to hold you close to himself, to hold you in his protection.

“You better put your fucking arm down before I break it, son.” That moment, Joel’s voice, the utter betrayal in his son’s eyes. The sound of you breaking something that you should have never ever gotten in between. It is worse than all the rest. You take him in, the sight of this man who you used to be married to, he’d always seemed so large in your eyes before, so unattainable. Something never to be fully touched, only gazed upon. Always apart, always cold. Sam’s eyes fall to the place where his father holds you, and his face spasms, something terrible. Broken and alone, a child cast out into the cold. And you want to say that he seems so different now, haggard and gaunt and whittled down to bare bones, but it isn’t the truth. You always knew what he was, your most terrible bit of honesty. You always knew, you’d just not cared before. There was never any separation, no space for you to take a breath and want better for yourself. To be under his scrutiny, something that at one time felt like admiration, but was never anything even close, it was like nothing else, like everything, a great lie. But he was too aware of it, of himself, of that power he held over you, and unlike his father, he was cruel with it. Your eyes move up to the back of Joel’s head, the hard edge of his jaw, the muscle that spasms furiously there. What would it do to you now to be under that same sort of attention, influence, admiration, but from a kinder, gentler, honest source? What had it done to you? Dangerous to risk yourself again, impossible to stop now.

“I always knew it,” he says again, “I always knew you wanted him. What? You let him fuck you?” The words in his mouth are a terrible thing, Joel says something, tells him to hold his tongue, to get the fuck out, but your eyes are riveted on the sight of his face, this man you used to be married to who’d broken you so completely, who’d stolen your very memory of yourself. He seems wholly unrecognizable now, and in a way, it frightens you, that someone you’d known for what seemed like so long could be such a stranger now. Joel’s hand is an anchor, such a comfort wrapped around your arm. “You barely let me touch you for two years, but you’ll bend over like a whore for my fucking Dad?” His voice breaks and it makes you want to laugh a little bit.

Joel shoves him backward, jerking you forward still in his hold. “Say that word one more time in my house, and I won’t be held responsible for what I do to you. And don’t fucking look at her,” he snaps, reaching up to give him a quick two tapped slap on the cheek to focus his gaze on himself. “Get out, Sam. I’ll call you later. We can–”

But unheeded or too far gone, like he needs to hear the sound of the words as a comfort to himself in this moment, Sam looks back at you, “You’re a fucking whore. I wish I’d never met you, I hate you.” Joel shoves him backwards again, harder this time so that his leg slams into the side table, overturning the lamp there into a crashing heap on the floor, so hard that when he pulls you with him it feels as if he’ll wrench your shoulder from its socket with the force of his anger. You yelp in pain, but cling to him anyways, refusing to let him go either, hiding behind the hill of his shoulder. Pushing his son away, not letting you go. It’s wrong, it’s wrong and you’d told him that you wanted to keep him, to take him away from his own son, that you were made of nothing but greed, but there’s something wrong here, inherently not right, bad.

And even yet, you can’t help the look on your face that must surely be nothing short of humiliating to Sam for the way he reddens, the little muscles in his face jerking uncontrollably. You’re done here, Sam. Get the fuck out, Joel says again, taking a step forward to herd him out, pulling you along, keeping you close. You taunt him with your gaze, can’t help yourself, “I thought I was a prude?” You say from behind the protection of his father’s body. “Isn’t that what you called me for all those years? Thought I was frigid, unfuckable, unlovable? Am I not anymore?” You ask in a small, breathy voice, falsely guileless, entirely provoking. “Have you changed your mind now that I’ve taken your Daddy from you?” False pout and mocking eyebrow.

Joel’s head snaps over his shoulder, incredulous look on his face, and Sam flinches as if struck, splintered glass in the shape of his son’s gaze, it fractures, falls back to where Joel holds you.“I wanted to talk to you,” He says to his father, “I wanted to– You’re really choosing her over me?” It costs Sam something to say this, and you weren’t expecting it either because suddenly, the game changes. His voice is child-like in its hurt, that son who longed for his father for all those years. “After everything that was stolen from us, you’re not going to choose me?” You know in that moment, he’s won.

“This isn’t about choice, son,” Joel tells him, but you hear it for the lie it is. “This isn’t about you versus her.”

“But it is,” and his eyes flash to yours, victory held in them. “She was my wife. And you’re my father, and you have to make a choice now. This is fucking sick.” There’d always been an intelligence to his cruelty, and he wields it now. The sound of his son’s name is a choked thing in Joel’s mouth. He goes rigid, a painful stillness, muscles vibrating with warring emotions. You hold your breath for it. He looks down at where he holds you, tightens his grip painfully, and then slowly, so that the three of you are sure to take in the whole procession of it, he lets go of your arm. One finger at a time, the heat of his palm leaving you, and you’re alone.

“It isn’t about choice,” he says again, and yet, one has already been made. You stand still, head bent, gaze riveted on the place where he’d let you go. He takes a step away from you, towards his son, and his voice is low and gentle and soothing now, and you’re still staring at the barrenness of your arm.

I had such potential to be good, you think. He just never saw it. But you don’t know who you mean. And you don’t think it matters anymore.

They say more to each other. Joel’s hand on his son’s arm now, pushing him towards the door, but still, still comforting for the thing it symbolizes, a benediction of choice, and you turn around to face the other side of the room. You can’t look – wrapping your arms around yourself. You don’t think you’ll run this time. Face it head on, let it be over now in full. Sam’s voice rings shrill, the sound of your name and curses and accusations, fighting a futile fight against his father’s even baritone, the sound of the slamming door, and then silence. When you turn back over your shoulder, they’ve stepped outside together, leaving you alone inside the house.

He’d asked you once what you wanted, and you can’t fathom what the point of it had been. What does it matter what I want? That’s the least significant thing here. It always was.

When he finally comes back inside, you’re dressed, lost bra retrieved, your bag packed and sitting at your feet. You’d gone into the kitchen just before, taken a peek at the pie, and you were right, and you don’t know how he could have possibly known, but he’d gotten you rhubarb. Your face is dry now, no tears and no will to cry. There’s nothing to speak of in his gaze when he leans back against the door to look at you, swallowing down words you’re sure will mean nothing in the face of all of this. And you look at him and you love him and you think, I was married to a man once and now I’m not and now I’m with his father and I love him in the way I never loved the son; and so now, I must ask myself, am I merely looking for the love of lesser man, who could have never given me what I needed, in the eyes of a man who seems to have all the answers?

You don’t think so. And yet, there are still no answers to be had, and no questions left to ask.

“I’m going this time,” In case he has designs to force you to stay, and even though there’s a light of acceptance in his eyes, he still shakes his head. Swallows and gathers his seams about himself before he says, “You aren’t leaving me,” gaze churning from warry to flinty to resolved.

“I was never supposed to stay at all. I was never supposed to be for you. You said so yourself– you said we couldn’t fall in love. That I wasn't for you.” You get to your feet, pulling your purse over your shoulder, and he rushes towards you, pushing the bag back down to the floor, taking your face in his hands hard, something like panic in his eyes and in the air and in the vibration of his voice.

“It doesn’t matter, none of that matters– Whatever was before, whatever was in the past doesn’t mean shit when it’s just you and me here together–” And you’re crying now, real, great sobs of grief.

“You were the one that said we couldn’t fall in love,” you cry again, try and pull away, but he holds you to himself, squeezes you against him, shivers like he too is crying, burying his face in your shoulder.

“I was a fucking idiot, a damn liar. There was never any other option, baby.” Most terrible of terrible truths, you’d both known if for the lie it was the moment he’d said it, even before, probably. You stand limply in the circle of his embrace. He’d said once that he’d been a coward not to go out and look for you, but you know the opposite is true. No one is more of a coward than you were for not having waited for him. For having been so desperate for love, you’d been willing to settle for the wrong kind. You’ll never be able to settle for false comfort like that again, and it’s all his fault. “You’ve ruined me now. I’m ruined.”

He pulls back to take your face in his hands again, and you were right, he is crying. “I’m ruined! And I need you to give me another chance. I demand another chance– to… to fix this. To–”

But another chance for what? To change what? “He’s your son, and I only want you to be happy.” And you know he couldn’t ever be happy, truly happy, estranged from his only child. After all, like he’d said, the theft of him had been the worst thing ever done. You wouldn’t commit a crime like that against Joel also, never.

“Baby, please, I think… I– I love–”

“Please–” You press the tips of your fingers to his mouth, silencing him. “Please, don’t do this to me now.” It makes you angry, this intent of his to trap you here with his love when there’s no room for you to stay. You turn away, picking up your bag again, but he snatches you back into himself, wrapping his big arms around your waist, crushing you against his chest. And you’d struggle if you could, but there’s so little fight left in you. “You’re the one that said – you said we couldn’t!”

“I know what I fucking said,” he spits, voice so angry it almost frightens you. “But there’s still– We have to talk, we have to–”

“What can you possibly imagine there’s left to say?”

“Everything.”

“Or nothing.”

“Look at me. Look at me–” He pulls your head back and to the side by your chin. There’s a bright flush sitting high on his cheekbones, and his eyes shift quickly back and forth between yours, searching for a way to fix this. To fix the good thing that’s now been broken. His thumb strokes the point of your chin softly, and he presses his mouth slowly to yours, eyes open to watch for your reaction. “This wasn’t a mistake,” he tells you, “We weren’t a mistake.” Weren’t. The final nail in the coffin. “I know, I know that there are so many things– that we can’t… but just– just stand here with me for one minute, please. Just give me one more second, and I’ll–”

He doesn’t finish the thought, and you let him kiss you one last time. And when he pulls back, because it doesn’t feel like it really matters, and because you just want to hear the sound of it coming out of your mouth, because you wish it was true and not the complete opposite, because you want to be as cruel and ugly outside as you feel on the inside, you whisper, “I hate you,” a full bodied lie.

His eyes shutter and flicker for a moment, a wash of hurt suffusing them. But because he’s never been a weak man and because he’s always been honest, and he’s always, always above everything else, been good, he says, “And I love you,” and there it is. You’d thought you wanted to hear the sound of that too, but now that you have, it’s more terrible than you could have ever possibly imagined. And after that, there really is nothing left to say.

Joel goes to see his brother afterwards because it’s what he always does and who he always goes to when he’s lost. When a son in the shape of a man made of nothing but childish fear and anger and hurt, had appeared one day, dropped out of the blue sky, onto his front porch, when he realized he wanted his daughter-in-law in a way no good man should. And now, that he’s admitted, because the realization had already been there, swift and uncompromising, the admittance had been all that was left, the hard going part, that he was in love with you – in love with the woman who had been married to his son, here he finds himself again. Lost and weak and two feet tall, made of nothing but hollow bones. “I’m not myself,” he tells Tommy, and then amends the lie because he’s not come here to tell lies. “She’s made me into someone I don’t recognize and wish I could be forever.” How would he get his old self back now? Impossible. You’d taken him away with you, he was only half made now, half man, half strength. And Tommy is understanding because it has always only been the two of them, and he’s always seen Joel for exactly who he is without judgement. The most honest eyes in the whole world, his brother. “I'm afraid that she’s the love of my life. I’m afraid that I’m not really so afraid at all. And she won’t even talk to me.” You’d left his house a week and a day ago, and Joel was going out of his mind, losing pieces of himself along the way, his sanity, his sense of right and wrong, his self restraint, self possession. He was about to do something crazy, he felt it gnawing and itching at his bones. He could barely remember the look of betrayal in his own son’s eyes amidst the madness of the memory of the hurt in yours, the sight of you walking away from him. “And my son. My son, my child, Tommy, he hates me. And I’m in love with the woman he used to be married to, who he hurt. And he’s a cruel and small man, and he needs me. He needs my help, and I have a responsibility to him. But Tommy– Tommy, I love her. She’s mine. And what am I going to do? What am I going to say to him? How will I ever face him again? She’s mine, and I– I can’t explain it, I can’t excuse it. But she’s mine– she’s my woman. She belongs to me. I know this as well as I know my own name, my own face.”

And his brother, his brother, his brother who always understands him, who always stands beside him, he claps him on the shoulder and says, “If anyone can find a way, Joel, it’s you. I know you can. You’re stronger and smarter than anyone I’ve ever known. And you don’t abandon yours.” And so Joel must believe him because Tommy is his brother, and he knows him, and he knows that even though he’s weak now, even if he must let himself be weak now, in the face of all of this, Joel is not truly a weak man where it counts.

You and Sam had only ever spoken once on the topic of children. It was, from the first moment broached, a non possibility, not even half of an option. Devastating, but now, all this time later, almost like a grace from God. You’d wanted a baby so badly, more than anything in the whole world, and he would not give you one. He’d said your desire for a child was incongruous with your cold nature, how frigid you were.

And you’d been so long, caught in the who am I, in the what am I doing. You never stopped to ask why. Molded into a bad shape, but mute and deaf to the intricacies of what had carved you so. You’d needed to destroy yourself entirely, tear down everything around yourself, and then recreate yourself and everything else in your life in a new image. Perhaps, then, you’d finally have the chance to be good.

Your husband’s father had given you this. Joel had given you this.

And Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel. How to tell him that you’re sorry? That you’re vile and cruel and yes, even cold sometimes, but for him, for him you can find it in yourself to be soft, something to be forgiven, you hope. His son had called you a prude, and then, his father’s whore. Did it matter what the truth was? You weren’t so sure. Did you want Joel because you were a whore? Because your own father had never loved you, and you were thus desperate to fill that void left by lesser, crueler men? Did it matter? You hated the idea that this desire for him had to have been born by consequence of another man. What about what you wanted? What about the fact that it felt good when he was inside of you? When he gave it to you rough and hard and when he told you that you belonged to him because you did, because it was the truth. What about the fact that you were in love with him? That should have counted more because you said it counted more. And then that was it, nothing more to the thing of it. So what if he was the father of the man who’d been your husband? The man who’d stolen all of your surety, your passion, yourself. Sometimes, retribution feels fucking good. So what about it? And then, and after all, you were in love with him. So what did it all matter after that?

People liked to say that sometimes a bad thing is worth it if it feels good enough. But what if you didn't think it was bad at all, and what if it didn’t just feel good enough? What if it’s actually everything, the best thing you’d ever had in your whole life? And what if it is simply and solely, or maybe even also, who cares, who cares, what if it is simply because it’s Joel? Joel who is beautiful and strong and good. Maybe even perfect in a way that you need.

He’d told you once that he’d never had the chance to be angry, that it had been stolen from him, the worst thing ever done to me, he’d said. You know that you could never do that to him. Never hurt him in that way. And there might be so many options. Choices. Truths. Yourself. Finally, you are only yourself. Good in the way he’d shown you to be. In a way that did not bow to anything but the sort of goodness you needed. But Joel; above all else, Joel. He is the first choice, and everything else seems inconsequential after that. What is goodness worth in the face of all he’s given you?

So, you sit now, within the basin of your empty bathtub, no more leaky kitchen sink echoing through your empty apartment, he’d fixed it weeks ago, and peer over the lip of the tub. And there, blinking up at you from the face of the skinny pink and white stick, is your answer to goodness. It had always been within yourself. And you think, if it must be just the two of us now, then let it. After all, your father has finally taught me how to be good.

End.

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junkdrawerfics · 10 months

Text

Broken Pieces Put Back Together

Jasper Whitlock X Reader

Summary: You get turned by Maria a short time after Jasper. Life in the coven is not what you expect though, as Maria quickly realizes you have a useful ability and you end up outliving the other newborns. At least you have Jasper, though. Until you don't.

Word Count: 3361

Warning: Depression, a short bit of suicidal thoughts, canonical violence. It gets rough in the middle y'all.

Lots of hurt but it has a happy ending, I promise.

---

You and Jasper were close to fast friends when you were forced to join Maria’s army. At first, you were terrified of the blond and his scar-ridden skin. Word reached you quickly of all he’d done, the countless lives he’d taken. How could you not be scared?

But then one night you found him on his own, standing outside the abandoned barn you called home, looking up at the stars with such a broken expression. That night, something drew you to his side. The urge to comfort, the need to ease his pain, was the first feeling to overcome the overwhelming sense of bloodlust constantly burning in your throat.

Not a single word was spoken that night. You didn’t know what to say, not to this man who had lived through so much more than you, and he didn’t offer anything in return. You both just stood there, still as statues, looking up at the stars.

That night you learned that Jasper Whitlock is not all that he appears to be.

It’s also the night Maria learned of your ability, and decided you might be of more value than she originally thought. You hadn’t even realized you were doing anything. In that moment, all you wanted was to keep him safe, hide him for just a little bit so he could breathe. And apparently you had done just that. You both disappeared, from everyone’s perception at least.

And so you lived. Outlived.

Your new reality was much crueler than you thought it could be. You realized that when your friend, a young girl changed the day after you, was deemed no longer useful.

That night, Jasper was the one who came to you.

“(Y/n).”

You don’t look away from the sky, the bleeding colors of the sunset dull in comparison to the flashing colors of fire behind your eyes. You can smell the smoke clinging to his clothes as he gets closer. It burns your nose, makes your chest ache as a fresh wave of pain sweeps through you.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” You ask quietly, voice like a broken set of bells.

Jasper sets his jaw, looking down at his hands. He nods slowly, an unfamiliar lump forming in his throat. He’s never felt guilty for following orders, he always thought it was for the best, that Maria knew better than the rest of them.

But then you look at him, your eyes swimming with tragedy, and it makes something inside of him ache. There’s no anger, no hatred, like he expected, just an ocean of grief.

It clogs your throat, burns behind your eyes, leaves you shaking. You rest on the edge of tears, suffocating in that horrible, sinking feeling, but always unable to cry. And you hate it. You hate it. You hate it. It’s like walking a tightrope, always off balance, yet never falling.

But you shatter when a hand rests gently on your shoulder.

A dry, ugly sob breaks past your lips as you turn into Jasper’s body. He curls his arms around you wordlessly, wishing he could hold all your pieces together. And even though his hands are the ones that did it, even though you know he’ll have to do it again and again and again, you can’t help but soak up every ounce of comfort from his rare embrace.

Slowly the sadness lifts, until it's bearable, not crushing you but not completely gone. His ability. Usually you’d scold him, tell him your emotions are yours for a reason, but right now all you can do is hold onto him tighter.

He’s all you have left, now.

Something changed after that night. You and Jasper got even closer. He protected you and was your rock when Maria turned your ability into a weapon. And on nights when she would go hunting alone, the two of you would perch on the roof of the barn and just look at the stars, talking about anything and everything.

You loved hearing stories of his human life. He would tell you about his time in the army, about the pressure he faced to join when he got old enough. His family didn’t have much, especially after the war started. You could tell he loved them, just by the soft smile he would get any time he talked about them.

You would take turns sharing stories. You told him about your siblings and their mischievous games. You were the oldest, so it often rested on you to watch over them, which usually ended with you covering up their shenanigans. You loved it though, taking care of them, teaching them.

That urge was still somewhere deep inside you, a motherly instinct you can’t quite shake. It made it all the more difficult to distance yourself from the fresh newborns in the coven. Before, you would take them in, calm them down, make sure they had something to drink to ease the pain of their thirst.

You couldn’t experience that again, though. That loss. So you kept your distance, spending most of your time with Jasper anyways. The man’s threatening aura kept most of them away.

Except one.

A newborn, a little too confident, a little too high on his new strength, decided he just couldn’t leave you alone. For the most part, you ignored him. In your human life, you dealt with more than enough unwanted attention, so you thought you were used to it. He was as stubborn as he was arrogant though.

Until Jasper nearly killed him for making a move on you (a little too aggressively).

Luckily Maria wasn’t there for that.

“Are you alright?” Jasper ushers you outside, red eyes frantically scanning over you, as if you could be battered and bruised.

“I’m fine, Jas,” you breathe, brushing the dust from your pants, “I’m more worried about that guy you just ripped the arm off of.”

“I should’ve killed him for touchin’ you.”

You glance at him, amusement quickly replacing the mild panic that filled you the moment that man laid his hands on you, “You know you wouldn’t. Maria would get angry if you did that.”

Jasper’s lips draw into a thin line. It shouldn’t matter. You’re the only one who treats him like he’s still human, his only friend. He wants to say that he will always protect you, even if he has to fight Maria herself. But the words don’t come. Deep down, a part of him knows they aren’t true, and that leaves behind a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Don’t look like that.” He blinks when you touch his cheek, your fingers soft and light, unlike Maria’s. You smile at him, just as gently, voice resigned, “I know how you think, Jasper Hale. You’re a loyal man, and that’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

As you say it, a sadness wraps around you, one that Jasper doesn’t understand. It doesn’t match your smile, or the soft creasing of your eyes as you look up at him. Why does it make you so sad?

You don’t let the feeling linger though, reigning it in the moment you notice the slight furrow of his brow he sometimes gets when he is trying to focus on your emotions. You don’t need him figuring out why. Why his loyalty to Maria makes your chest ache so painfully.

Falling in love with Jasper Hale was as easy as breathing, which says something considering you don’t even need to. Behind the tough, military face of his, was a man who was charismatic and gentle, who liked to laugh and remembered the name of every horse he’d ever ridden.

He was loyal to a fault.

That’s why he could not see Maria’s true nature for the longest time. It became clear to you rather quickly once you got closer with Jasper. Close enough that she took notice. Close enough that she decided to do something about it.

It started with small things.

Whenever you would go to talk to Jasper, she would call him over for something unimportant.

She started sending you on little tasks, just to keep you out of the barn.

Even on the days she would go hunting, the days you looked forward to most because you and Jasper could be completely alone, she started taking Jasper with her.

And each time, she would give you one of those vicious smiles. Like she won. It did not take long to realize it was all on purpose. In her own way, she was telling you loud and clear that she wanted you nowhere near Jasper and anytime you tried, she’d be there to show you just how little you mattered.

What hurt most, though, was how Jasper always listened to her. Every time, he would follow after her like a good soldier, casting you a guilty look over his shoulder. You didn’t blame him though. You couldn’t. Not when you knew the alternative.

So you got used to being alone for the first time in your life. The sadness, the one that Jasper kept at bay all that time, slowly crept back in, filling every nook and cranny of your being. Day after day, it got harder to stay, to listen to Maria’s direction. Even when you did listen, she treated you like a pest, contempt burning in her eyes.

You couldn’t bring yourself to leave though. The thought alone made your heart ache, because that would mean leaving Jasper. No amount of distance could dampen those feelings that came so quickly. They were branded in your heart, a part of you now and probably forever. A simple look from him and you would resign yourself all over again to stay.

Even if it got you killed.

Some days were too hard though, watching him follow on Maria’s heel, doing all she asked. It had been months since you talked, actually talked. Months since you heard him laugh or felt the comfort of his touch, no matter how small it was. And it hurt.

The pain made it hard to drink. You’d go weeks without blood, finding the burn of the hunger was better than the empty feeling in your chest. It made you weak, your skin turning almost translucent, the circles under your eyes growing darker and darker.

Jasper hated it. He had to watch as you fell into depression, your emotions like a dark cloud around you, so strong even the newborns walked on eggshells around you. He hated it, yet he could never do anything about it.

He wasn’t as oblivious as you thought him to be. He was aware of Maria’s resentment towards you. Jasper knew that if he showed his concern, even an inkling of it, she would lash out at you. At least by her side, he could temper her emotions and protect you.

His efforts could only go so far, though.

As you grew weaker, your ability weakened as well. And Maria noticed.

You wanted her to notice.

Leaving wasn’t an option, but the pain of staying was becoming too much for you to bear. Death seemed like the only way out of this eternally lonely existence. You just hoped Jasper wouldn’t have to be the one to do it.

Maria never liked the easy way, though. Loyalty must be proven.

You felt it as soon as you stepped foot outside the barn one night. The air was warm and dark clouds covered the sky, blocking out any light. Something sank in your gut and you just knew.

If you were going to die, you were at least going to die somewhere you could be surrounded by good memories. So you trekked to the hill where you first stood with Jasper, the one where you spent many nights watching the stars, and that’s exactly where he found you.

You perch yourself on a rock, watching as lightning flashes in the clouds. The air is heavy with static, but not a single drop of rain falls. It’s like the world can’t decide how it feels, a mess of storms not ready to break, but needing to, the tension rising and rising. Until something gives.

You hear Jasper before you see him. His steps are uncharacteristically heavy, the brush whispering as he walks through it. The air grows impossibly heavier when he comes to an abrupt stop just feet away from you.

It’ll be quick, you think. You hardly have the strength to keep yourself upright, the burning in your throat like hot coals. With what energy you have left, you keep your chin up and slowly turn your gaze away from the clouds to the man behind you.

And you smile. Because it’s Jasper. Your Jasper. Looking just as broken as the first night you stood by him.

Jasper’s knees practically buckle when you look at him, a wave of fondness warming the air around you. How can you still feel such a thing for him? After all he has done. You must know why he’s here. He doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve the trust in your eyes.

“Don’t look like that,” you murmur, smile going sad. You can’t stand the guilt twisting those features you love so much.

Jasper shakes his head, teeth gritting together so hard, his jaw creaks. He doesn’t want this. He can’t. Not with you looking at him like he’s hung the moon. No fear, no hatred. You should despise him.

“It’s not your fault,” you whisper, as if hearing his thoughts.

“Darlin’-”

He chokes on all the words he wants to say, everything he’s been waiting to say. How he wishes you could see the ocean, like you’ve always wanted. How he wants to be right there with you, just to see the way your eyes light up. How his eternal life finally seemed to have meaning when he met you.

“It’s okay, Jasper. I’m okay.” You reach for him, wanting nothing more than to just take his distress away. That’s all you’ve ever wanted. He gives in, allows you to take his hand, pull him closer. For you, he convinces himself, despite the selfish comfort he finds in your touch. “I know it’s not your decision. This has nothing to do with you,” you hesitate, squeezing his hands softly with a sad smile, “but I’m glad I got to talk to you one last time, at least. It’s not so scary if it’s you.”

“Stop.” His voice cracks like thunder, desperation bleeding into his eyes.

But there’s one last thing you need to say.

“I love you.”

Your eyes drift shut and you tilt your face back to the sky.

A drop of rain traces down your cheek.

Now you’re ready.

“I can’t.”

What?

You peek your eyes open, looking on in shock as Jasper kneels in front of you, face set in the most determined look you’ve ever seen. What’s happening?

“I can’t hurt you. I won’t,” he declares, red eyes set on you without a hint of hesitation.

You gape at him, head suddenly spinning, “But Maria-”

“I won’t let her hurt you either.”

“But Jasper- How- What-”

“Run away with me.”

You blink. And blink. And blink. If you had a working heart, it would be beating out of your chest at this point. Has he lost his mind?

“We’ll go to the States, to the ocean just like you want, leave all this behind.” The words spill out of him, the dam finally broken. Each word makes your eyes go wider, the sadness receding as hope sparks in your chest. “Please, darlin’. Give me a chance to make you happy.”

“Oh, Jasper.” You touch his face, drawing him just close enough to press a kiss to his forehead. Jasper’s eyes flicker shut, your love washing over him like the rain. Your next words seal the rest of your eternity, “You’ve always made me happy. We can go anywhere. As long as I’m with you, I’ll be the happiest woman in the world.”

And for the first time in forever, that smile slants over his lips, bright and warm and gorgeous.

You missed that smile so much.

That night, the two of you disappeared into the storm. You don’t know if Maria ever searched for you. If she did, she never found you.

Jasper kept his word. As soon as you crossed the border, you traveled to the west coast. You saw the ocean, which was more than you ever expected it to be, and that’s where you stayed for a while. Until you met the Cullens, at least.

You were nervous at first. Large covens were rare outside of the armies, so you didn’t trust them at first. There was no way you’d do that ever again. But you missed having a family, and looking at them, you couldn’t help but want for what they seemed to have.

“What do you think, Jas?” You ask your mate as you curl into his side.

He wraps an arm around you, lips pressing against your forehead softly, “Whatever you want, darlin’. They’re intentions seem honorable.”

“Would you be okay going vegetarian, though?” You love the idea. It’s always bothered you, having to kill innocent humans. Even feeding from the bad ones leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

“I’ll manage,” Jasper chuckles, eyes creasing.

“And the moving around?”

“We already do that, sugar.”

“Oh yah.” The Cullens move around far less than you, actually. You can’t believe they can stay in the same place for months, years even. The thought fills you with anticipation. Maybe you could finally settle down and have a normal life with Jasper.

“Maybe we could get a dog,” you hum, a slow smile spreading across your lips.

Jasper snorts, drawing you closer to press a kiss to your temple. You glance up at him, eyes bright with unrestrained excitement. And just like that, it’s decided.

“Let’s join them.”

“Alright! Oh! We could call him Cowboy! Can you imagine it? Cowboy the dog. It’d be perfect.”

“Anythin’ you want, darlin’.”

And that’s how you ended up with the Cullens.

---

“...wow.”

You grin at Bella, “I know, it’s a lot. But it all worked out for the best! I can’t imagine my life any different.”

“And I can’t imagine my life without you.” Your smile goes even wider when a familiar pair of arms wrap around your waist from behind.

You look over your shoulder at your mate, eyes practically lighting up with affection, “Good, cause you’d be hard pressed to get rid of me at this point.”

Bella watches the small interaction, surprised to see the blond vampire without his usual stoic facade. He’s like a completely different person, practically melting into your touch, and smiling. Actually smiling. And you look just as lovestruck.

“You guys make a cute couple,” she says, feeling a bit awkward when you turn your gaze back to her.

“Thanks Bells. You and Eddie make just as cute of one. I can’t wait to go to your wedding.”

The brunette flushes what must be the darkest shade of red possible, successfully mimicking a cherry. She shuffles away with some muttered excuse, and you can’t hold back a giggle.

“You’re evil, darlin’,” Jasper murmurs, shaking his head.

You flip around in his hold, arms wrapping around his neck, “What! You know it’s going to happen. Edward’s completely smitten with that girl.”

“Still doesn’t mean you have to torture the poor thing,” he chastises, though he can’t hide the mirth in his tone.

“Fine. I guess I can take it easy on her,” you sigh dramatically, earning another chuckle from your mate.

“That’s my girl.”

You tuck yourself into his chest, hiding a truly ecstatic smile in his jacket. To this day, you still can’t believe that this is your life.

You really wouldn’t change anything about it. Not the bad things, not the start, none of it. You like to think your love is stronger because of it. And it will only continue to grow stronger every day for the rest of your eternity together.

You can’t wait to see where the two of you go.

---

This was not meant to get so edgy, but here we are. I never really know what I'm writing until it's finished.

Anyways! I hope you guys enjoyed the angst, hurt and comfort! A really fluffy fic will be coming next, and I am SO excited about it.

#reader insert #x reader #reader #jasper hale #twilight saga #jasper whitlock #twilight #jasper hale x reader #jasper whitlock x reader #jasper x reader #hurt/comfort #angst #read with caution

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aquickstart · 4 months

Text

ok sure i'll talk about farleigh start. i'll talk about his tragedy of never being enough as it were and then having to deal with fucking oliver. sure. disclaimer: it's about class (and race) and the horrible reality of the rich. the horrible reality of living as farleigh.

another disclaimer: i'm white! and poc definitely pick up on everything i'm talking about here as it is, and better. i was and am specifically interested in farleigh vs. oliver but it's impossible to examine without considering race. definitely let me know if anything abt this sucks!

farleigh and oliver are similar. it's annoying because every intruder that is not himself is annoying, partly because felix's attention swaying from farleigh is dangerous; there is always a threat of being discarded, even if no precedent existed. the potential is terrifying.

but you'd think he's seen this before, every summer (if venetia is telling the truth) or at least often enough to learn to recognize it fast, so he should know this will pass. part of it is i think still the deep anxiety, and i think he hated every boy that was there before, and it is sort of routine.

but definitely a huge factor in farleigh's annoyance is the fact that he's a biracial (black for cattons, that's all they see) man in a white rich household. he's alert and exhausted all the time. of course he's angry at oliver, regardless of whether he's the first to crash at saltburn for the summer or the fifty-first.

but the important thing is this.

farleigh is very jealous of and angry and pissed at oliver because farleigh sees all the similarities between them. outsider, in financial trouble, whatever it is, in need of cattons; and yet oliver is preferred. and farleigh seems to be the only one to really consider it. felix does not pick up on the hint when farleigh brings up the birthday party vs. his mother. felix's clumsy "different or... anything like that" is as much about race as it is about class, of course. the "we've done all that we can" bit is felix absolving himself of guilt because surely they had, surely the mysterious collective cattons that he's not really part of had tried all they could do. to him, farleigh is different from oliver, because farleigh has been helped. felix is rich and white and twofold uncomfortable with farleigh, even if he's nice about it, even if he genuinely enjoys his company; he doesn't look too close at farleigh because he feels too guilty to come too close. and farleigh can't do anything about it. he can't nice himself into it. the fucking tragedy of him is that he's never enough in the world of the ultra-rich white, even if (especially because!) he's born into it.

farleigh is very pissed at oliver because farleigh also sees all the differences between them. you know who can be nice poor white enough to fit in? fucking oliver. felix says "just be yourself, they'll love you" when oliver first moves in. farleigh was also probably told the same thing, and felix also probably believed that farleigh could just be himself, but even if the cattons were magically not racist at all (impossible), it wouldn't make a difference to farleigh. he would still self-censor, keep in check, be in dangerous waters (because racism is not just about the individual, but about the system). we see that he'd won himself leeway by years of trial and error by the way he speaks to the family, but it's still within the boundaries of acceptable, built by the cattons. he's part of them because they allow it, and farleigh is very, very aware.

the annoying thing is oliver can be himself. like, truly, genuinely, he can just be. and farleigh can't help but envy that.

as a side note, oliver is obviously jealous of farleigh in the beginning as well, because regardless of the reality of farleigh's situation, he was born into it, and hence, at least in oliver's mind, has his position solidified. oliver's whole thing is unquenchable thirst and hunger for whatever and everything the cattons have (including themselves!). he wishes to have been a catton from birth. to oliver, at first, there's nothing farleigh can really do to lose it. and until he figures out the cattons completely, he can't help but envy that.

but i think farleigh senses something different about oliver early on. at least on the level of the text, we have "you're almost passing [for] a real, human boy", which is so important because farleigh is the first to point out oliver's weirdness. the next to do so is venetia in the bath scene calling him a freak, but it's too late. farleigh is too early.

and i like to think he clocks oliver too early because he sees the jagged edges that he recognizes in himself. i think that one other thing that farleigh envies is oliver's freedom to let go. freedom to let go is very similar to freedom to be, but not quite the same.

to be is about perception: farleigh knows he cannot fall out of line, but would like to, and oliver does not have to worry about it at all (i mean, he does, because oliver also performs for felix, but farleigh doesn't know that).

to let go is about the self: farleigh is too scared to even want what oliver eventually does, to even consider the possibility. oliver can let himself want. oliver can let himself act. oliver just can do things and want things. i'm not sure farleigh can.

and so in this scene, when oliver's wants and actions have landed him nowhere with farleigh, felix, venetia, the cattons, of course farleigh gloats. he can let himself do that, because if the cattons are slowly discarding him, farleigh can allow himself this one small victory. he's relieved because despite the dangerous similarities, oliver is, thankfully, not really the same as farleigh, right?

but like. this movie is a love letter to all things gothic. oliver is a white man. he prevails. the brief performance that oliver put on did eventually end up more effective than farleigh's lifetime of constraint. my heart fucking breaks for him to be honest.

the issue that remains is the fact of farleigh's survival. i like to think that oliver came to respect him. oliver is smart, but farleigh is clever. he picks up on everything oliver does (to refer back to the karaoke scene, farleigh immediately retaliates in the cleverest way, in the moment), and he's the only one to do so consistently (venetia, again, for example, comes close, but too late; oliver doesn't like that, there's nothing to work with). hence, stay with me for a little longer, the paradox: farleigh survives because he was never enough for the cattons, but he is very worthy of oliver's attention. in his own freaky way, oliver wants him. look at that.

so. farleigh. farleigh might come back. he always comes back. and i think oliver wants to try harder next time.

#saltburn #farleigh start #i think someone mentioned how the race commentary was fleeting in that scene abt his mom but i disagree #it runs thru the whole movie #because oliver is white and because they're pitted against each other #im not saying its the best commentary ever and also like the movie is not about it at all #but it's there and it's pretty prominent #also on a completely different note can we talk about how oliver correctly assumed everyone at saltburn desires him carnally #dude pulled all the bitches by being strange and off-putting. i mean i completely get it. completely get it. i'd fold so fast you've no ide #also while i was writing i realized that yes indeed both farleigh and oliver perform for felix and its so fascinating #and it works for oliver because of course it does because hes white #anyway! again! let me know if this sucks #in like any way at all #i needed a masterpost of all and every thought i have about farleigh #i think this pretty much covers it so i'll let it go now #HES SO. like do you UNDERSTAND #the DEFINITION of doomed by the narrative but i LOVE that he survives #as he SHOULD #emerald is so right. he does come back and quickstart just torture each other in that house forever. besties for life #god im gonna shut up now this is so horrendously long #mine #saltburn journaling

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elryuse · 11 days

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Hey can u write a story of 5 stepsisters (IZTY) who r obsessed with their younger brother y/n with mommy kinks.

Stuck With The Cold Princesses

ITZY OT 5 X MALE READER

Y/n flinched as a chorus of giggles erupted from the living room. ITZY, the five K-Pop idols who had become his stepsisters just a month ago, were sprawled on the plush rug, a chaotic mess of limbs and laughter. They were a far cry from the cold, aloof stars he'd seen on television. Here, in the sanctuary of their shared home, they were a terrifying whirlwind of possessiveness and affection.

Their arrival had been a shock to his system. Lia, the eldest, with a voice that could melt glaciers and eyes that could freeze them solid, took charge of the kitchen, her playful jabs about his meager appetite laced with a hidden venom. Yeji, the leader, a human algorithm with a heart of barbed wire, meticulously planned his schedule, ensuring every minute was filled with "approved" activities. Ryujin, the brooding rapper, spoke in grunts and glares, but her silent protectiveness was a suffocating cloak around him. Chaeryeong, the quiet dancer, was an enigma, her gaze a pool of swirling emotions that only flickered into life when it landed on Y/n. And Yuna, the maknae, was a whirlwind of sunshine that could turn into a hurricane with a single raised eyebrow.

Their initial hostility, a barrage of snide remarks and playful (or not so playful) shoves, had been a terrifying initiation. But then, the accident happened. A late-night drive back from a concert, slick roads, a missed turn – and the world turned upside down. The car flipped, a sickening screech of metal, and then silence. Y/n, miraculously unscathed, had pulled them from the wreckage, his voice a beacon of calm in the chaos.

That night, huddled together in the sterile hospital room, a horrifying truth emerged. ITZY weren't just a collection of talented idols; they were survivors of a tragedy so profound it had forged an unbreakable bond. Years ago, their parents, a famous musician couple, had perished in a similar car crash. The girls, left alone, had navigated the treacherous world of the entertainment industry together, a fortress built on shared trauma.

The revelation changed everything. The teasing stopped. The playful hostility morphed into a fierce, possessive protectiveness that bordered on obsession. Their new family dynamic was a terrifying masterpiece, painted in shades of control and affection.

Lia, ever the cook, fussed over his meals, her playful jabs about his appetite laced with a possessiveness that sent shivers down his spine. Yeji, the strategist, took charge of his schedule, ensuring his days were filled with activities she deemed "appropriate" – activities that kept him isolated from anyone but themselves. Ryujin, the taciturn one, claimed his bed every night, her silent presence a physical barrier against the outside world.

One afternoon, while walking home from school, Y/n bumped into Hana, a girl from his class. He hadn't realized how starved he was for normal social interaction until her easy smile and gentle conversation ignited a flicker of warmth in his chest. Their conversation, however trivial, felt like a lifeline thrown across a vast ocean of isolation.

Unbeknownst to Y/n, a pair of cold blue eyes watched from a distance. Yeji, ever vigilant, her gaze a predator tracking its prey. Back at home, the atmosphere was thick with a chilling tension. ITZY, usually a cacophony of chatter, sat in unsettling silence. The air crackled with unspoken threats.

"We saw you with Hana today, Y/n," Yeji finally spoke, her voice low and laced with ice.

Y/n felt a cold knot tighten in his stomach. "It was nothing, just… talking."

Ryujin slammed her fist on the table, making him flinch. "We don't like her, Y/n. She's not good for you."

Lia, who had always played the voice of reason, purred, a sound devoid of warmth. "Don't worry, darling. We'll take care of it."

The next day, Hana vanished. Y/n, his heart pounding a frantic rhythm against his ribs, searched for her everywhere. The police, notified by her frantic parents, offered little comfort. The girls, their faces devoid of any emotion, simply offered empty platitudes about "missing persons" and the "inefficiency of the authorities."

Days turned into weeks, and a horrifying realization dawned on Y/n. Hana wasn't missing; she'd been silenced. A single red rose, its petals the color of fresh blood, lay on his pillow one night. A chilling note, penned in Chaeryeong's elegant handwriting, accompanied it: "We only want you to be happy, Y/n. And happy people don't need other girls."

His gaze darted to the five girls, their faces illuminated by the moonlight filtering through the window. They weren't the vibrant idols he saw plastered on posters anymore. Their smiles were predatory, their eyes devoid of the playful glint they used to hold. In their place was a terrifying possessiveness that made them look like cornered animals guarding their territory.

Y/n understood then. Their love, born from shared trauma and isolation, was a twisted vine that had suffocated them all. They weren't just his family, they were his captors. The fear that had coiled in his stomach since Hana's disappearance now clawed its way up his throat, choking him with a raw terror.

He tried to reason with them, to appeal to their dwindling humanity, but his words were met with chilling silence. Lia, the once playful cook, spoke in a voice devoid of warmth. "You're safe here, Y/n. You don't need anyone else."

Ryujin, the brooding rapper, materialized beside him, her hand finding his wrist with a bruising grip. "We're all that you need."

Desperate, he pleaded with Chaeryeong, the quiet one who spent hours lost in her art. "Don't you see this isn't right? Hana… what did you do to her?"

Chaeryeong stared at him, her eyes pools of swirling sorrow. A single tear traced a path down her cheek, a stark contrast to the chilling smile playing on Lia's lips. "She made you happy," Chaeryeong whispered, her voice barely audible. "And we can't have that."

Yuna, the maknae, broke the chilling silence with a high-pitched giggle that sent shivers down Y/n's spine. "Don't worry, oppa! We'll make you happy. Forever."

Their twisted affection pressed in on him, a suffocating wall built from fear and devotion. Y/n knew then that escape wasn't an option. He was trapped in their gilded cage, a prisoner of their warped love. Days bled into weeks, and a horrifying routine unfolded.

Gone were the playful interactions. The girls became his constant companions, their possessiveness suffocating. Excursions outside the house were rare, and always under their watchful eyes. Their smiles became strained, their once vibrant personalities dulled by the weight of their actions and the growing paranoia that consumed them.

One night, as Y/n lay awake, staring at the flickering shadows dancing on the ceiling, Ryujin, usually a stoic presence, spoke in a voice thick with raw emotion. "It's getting harder," she confessed, her voice a ragged whisper. "The whispers… the dreams… they're getting louder."

Y/n didn't dare ask about the whispers or the dreams. He knew they were the ghosts of their past, the trauma that bound them together while slowly tearing them apart.

One stormy night, the tension reached a breaking point. Lia, usually the picture of control, broke down, her facade crumbling as she sobbed uncontrollably. Y/n, hesitant at first, reached out and offered a comforting touch.

"We didn't mean to hurt you, Y/n," she cried, her voice cracking with grief. "We just… we just wanted to be happy family again."

Something in her desperation resonated with Y/n. He saw in her the same fear and loneliness that mirrored his own. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance to break free. A chance to heal, not just for him, but for them.

"Then let me help you," he whispered, his voice hoarse. "Let's get help together."

A flicker of hope sparked in Lia's tear-filled eyes, a fragile ember in the vast darkness of their situation. But before they could discuss it further, a scream tore through the house, a chilling sound that echoed throughout the night.

The bedroom door slammed open, revealing Yeji, her face contorted in a mask of rage. In her hand, she clutched a phone, the screen displaying a news report of a missing girl – a girl with striking green eyes and a familiar smile. Hana.

Y/n's frantic pleas for Hana's safety were met with chilling silence. The girls, their expressions a terrifying blend of relief and possessiveness, huddled closer to him. He saw not rage, but gratitude reflected in their eyes. They had won.

The police investigation, fueled by Y/n's fabricated story of a random encounter and abduction, hit a dead end. Hana – a name that would forever prickle his conscience – simply vanished. Freedom, a word that once held so much promise, now tasted like ashes in his mouth.

Life within their opulent penthouse became a twisted parody of family. Gone were any aspirations of college, of escaping the suffocating cocoon they'd woven around him. His days were meticulously planned – movie nights featuring only their chosen films, meals cooked under their watchful eyes, outings that kept him firmly within their grasp.

Their "therapy" sessions morphed into chilling confessionals. They poured out their childhood trauma, the raw pain of their parents' death, the fear that had solidified their bond into an unbreakable chain. Y/n, a captive audience, offered empty words of comfort, all the while knowing his sacrifice had become his prison sentence.

Nights were the worst. Their sprawling bed became a battlefield of suffocating affection. Lia, the one who used to tease him about his appetite, now fussed over every morsel he ate. Yeji, the strategist, ensured his every need was anticipated, before he even knew he had it. Ryujin, the taciturn one, clung to him with a silent possessiveness that spoke volumes. Chaeryeong, the quiet artist, would sketch him endlessly, her eyes devouring his every feature. And Yuna, the maknae, her once infectious laughter now held a tinge of hysteria, showered him with childish demands for attention.

Slowly, the defiant spark in Y/n's eyes dimmed, replaced by a hollow acceptance. He became a puppet, his emotions dulled by their suffocating love. He no longer fought against the endless movie marathons, the repetitive board games, the constant stream of childish questions.

One day, as they sprawled on the floor, giggling over a particularly silly game, a news report flashed across the screen – ITZY, the K-Pop stars, taking a hiatus to focus on "personal growth." A humorless chuckle escaped Y/n's lips. Personal growth indeed.

He looked around at the five faces, their gazes filled with a possessive contentment. They were no longer the vibrant idols plastered across magazines, but his captors, their smiles tinged with a touch of mania.

Y/n, trapped in their gilded cage, had become their ultimate trophy – a reminder of their triumph, a living testament to their twisted love. The "Mommies," as they insisted he call them, had won. His desperate sacrifice had not saved Hana, but had condemned him to a lifetime sentence in his own personal horror story. He was a prisoner, not just of their warped affection, but of his own guilt-fueled decision. The outside world had faded away, replaced by the stifling sweetness of their twisted love, a terrifying lullaby that lulled him into his own living nightmare.

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crowbasils · 2 months

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ON WHY BASIL AND SUNNY, WHILE NOT BEING OPPOSITES ON A SURFACE LEVEL, ARE OPPOSITES ON A MORE DEEPER LEVEL — 🪴

SPOILERS FOR OMORI’S PLOT!

Despite acting similar, they do contrast in ways that highlight the character trait of the other.

While SUNNY doesn’t particularly desire to be loved and doesn’t suck up to others, he is cared for and wanted by others. this contrasts BASIL who desires to be just… wanted by others—to be cared for and loved. despite how much he sacrifices of himself to be wanted by others, he does not receive the same care that he gives out. SUNNY being loved without effort on his part (which, he does canonically feel guilty for, as mentioned in the OMORI fight) highlights BASIL’s struggle just to be wanted around by others. BASIL’s struggle highlights how treasured SUNNY truly is in rhe group—how important he is. This is further reinforced by how everything started to get back together only when SUNNY came out of his house.

We do also see that BASIL is more scared of concepts and events (abandonment, being alone again, interactions, etc.) than things traditionally found scary, such as spiders, heights, even deep bodies of water (despite him not knowing how to swim), even stuff like darkness. This contrasts to how SUNNY is more scared of things that can be found in reality. Spiders, heights, deep bodies of water, etc. He is scared of what is traditionally found scary—things that can usually be found in the real world.

BASIL being scared of such concepts highlights how even dreams aren’t an escape for him—how even his imagination is not a safe space for him. He has nowhere to be safe. Outaide, he has to face the judgement from the hooligans, the stares, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse. Outside, he has to face the guilt of knowing you played a part in destroying the very friend group you loved—the very friend group you took pictures of because you didn’t want to lose them. Inside, he has to face the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, the pain and hurt that comes from once again being alone, the heavy and empty feeling in your heart after being abandoned. This highlights how SUNNY is more scared of the real world—of things like spiders, heights, his friends, the consequences of his actions, the effects of it and how it ruined everyone. He feels the deep guilt of it all, and witnesses the suffering he had caused, and just wants to hide from it all. Just wants to withdraw back to his fantasy world where he’s safe, where harm can’t reach him, where nothing happened. He is more comfortable in his imaginations, having always relied on it when he’s troubled. He is safe there. He can hide there. And he did—for 4 years straight, until the truth’s roots eventually seeped its way into the soil of his headspace in a manner that cannot be uprooted. In a way where BASIL’s feelings and MARI’s thoughts found its way into his dreams.

However, there is a similarity in terms of their fears. Both of them are scared of being alone. however, their reasons for it are different. BASIL is scared of it due how he’s always been alone—desperately doing everything so that people won’t abandon him. Desperately wishing and praying he doesn’t have to go back to that. Whereas sunny’s more scared of it due to him never experiencing how it is to be truly alone with nobody “by his side”. He’s always had people around him, his parents, HERO, KEL, AUBREY, MARI, and BASIL. And him, being scared of the unknown, was terrified at the aspect of how bad it would feel—especially when he’s heard the feelings of one who has experienced it.

The tragedy of their character also contrasts. The tragedy of BASIL’s character lies in him re-experiencing how it is to be stuck with nobody being there by his side again just right after he finally found people who he can rely on and confide in. It lies in him having to go through everything just to be loved again. It lies in losing everything and going back to having nothing once again. While the tragedy of SUNNY’s character comes with the loss of something you have always had by your side. The tragedy of inexperience, and the grief from losing something you loved. The tragedy of being alone when you were always surrounded by loved ones—one way or another.

Even if BASIL wants to be free, no matter how much he does to free himself and SUNNY from everything that happened—he’s still essentially trapped. While SUNNY traps himself deeper via his headspace despite him being the one who could set both himself and BASIL free. He does realize this, though—however, it was too late. He finally realizes how much trapping himself affected BASIL, he finally realize that he needs to be there for him even just for a little while right as BASIL was about to kill himself. SUNNY desperately rushes in to save him, and no matter how much he wants to leave, he decides to stay. There’s no more running away when the life of a friend you love—platonically or not—is on the line.

Perhaps there was a deep sense of jealousy within BASIL towards SUNNY. A deep sense of jealousy that he rejected out of fear of accidentally hurting SUNNY. His color is green, right? The color of hope, of life, of modesty, of renewal, endurance, growth… but also the color of stagnation, isolation, sickness, envy, death. It perfectly incapsulates him, and his feelings towards SUNNY. Towards everyone. Towards himself.

In a way, they’re like the sun and the moon. Whenever SUNNY reaches out for BASIL, BASIL avoids him. Whenever BASIL reaches out for SUNNY, SUNNY runs away. Rather than the waves and the moon, they’re like the sun and moon—running away from each other in cycles. Rinse and repeat. Over and over again.

#OMORI #OMORI BASIL #OMORI SUNNY #BASIL OMORI #SUNNY OMORI #OMORI analysis #character analysis #OMORI character analysis #analysis #gooodddd this ruined me #thinking about it #they’re kinda similar to shuake #which. OUUUUUGUHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHTHTHTHT #:((((#OMORI SUNFLOWER #or like…#SUNFLOWER OMORI #whichever one you prefer #if you squint

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partywithoutsmiling · 9 days

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Some musing on the Wanderer!Branch AU

(Okay, bit of a chaotic lore dump incoming, as this is probably the first time I am putting it to words)

Okay, important info first:

I headcanon it that Branch- and thus the other Brozone bros- are half-pop half-rock in their herritage; this headcanon is an old one, ever since World Tour dropped, and honestly only supported by the fact that Total Eclipse of the Heart that Branch sung as trolling is considered a Pop Rock song XD But hey, one doesnt need to have many reasons to make headcanons pff

(I have some tentative lore about his parents- and his grandparents- too, and how that would effect Branch and his Bros growing up, but I will leave that for a separated post)

But anyway, with Branch's Pop side being moderated by his Rock side, he would have always felt a bit out of place among his tribe, even he grew up perfectly happy with no tragedy in his life (I know switching Branch's and Poppy's place when it comes to being grey is all the rage right now, but I still feel most are missing all the necessary nuance to really make it work, but lets not get into that pf)

Obviously, that feeling of not fitting it only got hundred fold worse since his PTSD and him being grey, as Pop Trolls doesn't seem to be known for mental health support. Branch eventually leaving is not him going 'Screw you all, I will find someone who appreciates me' (much like Clay did) but more of a 'I am sorry, I won't get in your way anymore, I wont be a burden'

Basically massive amount of self-loathing and severe lack of self-worth. When Branch had his final breakdown and decided to leave, I don't think it would be with the precise goal of finding anyone (yes, part of him hopes he would be able to find his brothers and at least find closure one way or another, no matter how much it terrifies him).

Honestly, Branch probably didn't dare to examine his decision to leave any closely than he needed to, lest it would stand out to him for what it really was- a suicide trip.

This was Branch that doesnt know anything about the wide, outside world; he knows Bergen Town, knows of the old Troll Tree, and now knows the Forest and their Troll Village. But everything else is uncharted territory for him. He knows of the Neverglades, because of a faint memory of John Dory constantly talking about them when he was a baby, but has only a vague sense which way they are (I headcanon they make up for the border of Pop and Rock territories)

His preparation for the trip was abysmal, and so was his plan in general. He just picked a direction- opposite of Bergen Town, away from them- and started walking. When he first encountered the towering high peaks of Classical Territory, he immediatelly recognized that they can't be the Neverglades- very much not fitting the description that he remembered, so he walked past/around them, smack dab into Country territory.

Compared to others, I don't think the Country Trolls would have been very welcoming to him at the beginning; used to hard life, inhospitable land and abundant death, Branch would be an unexpected disturbance; obviously not a Classical Troll, who borders with them the closest but never comes down from the skies, obviously not a Funk Troll, who with their technological advance might as well be myths at this point- and obviously not a Pop Troll, since he doesnt shower them with obnoxious music and doesnt even look the part.

Had he been at his 100%, they would have probably been quite content to send him packing, figuring he was just a Rock Troll going solo career (little insert headcanon: Rock Troll Rite of Passage is going on a Rock Tour, and sometimes the more adventurous Rock Trolls strays into other territories to bother and cause mayhem other trolls. Barb's Rock Tour was her Rite of Passage, and being a freshly fanged Queen, she took it to another level)

But Branch quite helpfully collapsed on their doorstep, half starving and dehydrated, and they weren't so callous as to leave him there for the elements to take care of him.

Naturally, their help hardly came for free, and even if they didn't ask, Branch would have already feel indebted to them for wasting resources on his wellbeing. A Survivalist himself, he easily spotted the tight budget they were running, and felt guilty for being a burden yet again.

To his surprise, when the country trolls found out he was a hard worker, a skilled architect and wiz engineer, they completely turned their wariness around.

It was the start of his 'finding himself' journey, but for the first time, Branch started to feel... appreciated. Yes, these trolls didn't know him- but they looked at him, looked at what he can do, and called him accomplished; they were praising his skills, and called him valuable.

(But some sense of danger remained with him; as far as he believed, 'Branch' was left behind to rot away in his bunker. So when introducing himself, and habit got better of him, he started with "Bra-" but caught himself and finished "-mble"; and that new name, 'Bramble', stuck XD Still a plant name, still close enough that he can learn to repond to it- and honestly, feels like fits him better right now, as he feel all out of sorts)

It was only the first step, maybe, but it was a step toward feeling that he had some worth.

I think, out of all the Tribes, he stays with the Country trolls for the longest; yes, the life there is hard, but that is perhaps why he feels most welcomed there. There are no useless nonsense parties, no senseless dancing- the times when they can finaly wipe their brow and relax is when the community gathers together and they just... talk. Sit around, share food, look at the stars and reminiscence.

It's all very subdued, and even though Branch is the most obvious outsider ever, he feels like one with the community, and that by itself is already healing a deep wound he didnt know he had.

When the country trolls finally start singing on their good day, Branch is rather taken aback (He forgot, that Trolls are Trolls, and Trolls sing)- but the sombre and slow melody and topic of the country speaks to him, and while he doesnt join- and they dont push him to join- he listens, and he appreicates.

It is with Country Trolls that he heals most of his trauma when it comes to music. His Grandma and his Brothers leaving him are still a big guilt that weights him down- and something he wont address for a long time- but Country trolls shows him that music can be wildly different. He still doesnt sing, but when offered to be taught to play a banjo (XD), he probably doesnt refuse- mainly out of fear of insult, but also because for the first time in his life, he wants to actually try.

As time passes, his more curious side comes out- he asks questions, wants to know everything- up to this point, he didn't even know that the Country trolls were country- and to them it was obvious what they were, so why would they need to introduce themselves?

That line of questioning leads to the explanation of the other Tribes existing, and that each Tribes' music is different.

And for the first time in his life, Branch felt something alien to him- burning Wanderlust. (Bit of his Rock herritage showing, eh? Solo Rock tour, Rite of Passage~?) The thirst for knowledge was always there- after all, his bunker had many journals filled to brim with information about what he discovered in the foods, helpful tips for survival and many plans for inventions- but those were always done out of necessity, discovered and noted down so that he could live another say. Never before he had a desire to discover simply for the sake of discovering.

Never before he also actually felt like he had the option to do so; the world has always been an inhospitable wilderness to him, only filled with a small handful of trolls and a town full of monstrous giants. His childhood was filled with memory of a large iron cage, and that trapped feeling didn't change; after all, his Bunker, for all that it offered him safety, was a different type of cage too. The whole Troll Village- Pop Village, as he learned now- was another cage as well. Gilded one, made of ignorance.

And so he knew his time with the country trolls came to an end- and it was because he grew to respect them and appreciate them, that he doesnt disappear in the nigh and haltingly tells them his decision to leave and explore.

Memories of his Brothers' argument echo through his mind as he waits for the inevitable blow up, but.... he is once again surprised when the trolls just accepts this decision and wish him all the best- going as far as to help him pack- properly this time- and wheedling out of him a promise to check in once in a while, whenever he is in the neighbourhood.

Equipped with a non outdated map, he decides to make visit all the other territories one by one, starting from Country and heading right towards Classical, going around in one large circle around Pop Territory- Going to Techno after Classical, and to Rock right after that. Funk is largely a mystery to him- the Country trolls are at this point content to believe they are just a myth- much the same way a unicorn is to us- but Branch wants to keep an open mind.

After all, he himself had no idea other kind of trolls existed, so why dismiss the Funk Troll existence right away?

His travels to Symphonyville proved to be as challenging as was the start of his trip towards Country territory. Being high in the mountains- higher than anywhere Branch ever went- really showed him that walking is easy only when the road is straight and flat.

The air growing colder and thinning, he probably doesn't make the best first impression neither- especially in his dishevelled state, he is once more mistaken for a Rock Troll, and it takes a gargantuan amount of effort to convince anyone that he is simply there to learn music, and not cause any trouble.

Out of all the Tribes, he would stay with the Classical trolls the shortest. They are strict teachers, and their culture is very frigid and traditional- and Branch knows that he would have to wildly change himself to fit among them. Yet looking around, seeing the tall spires of the buildings around him, he finds he doesn't really want to. The grandiose of everything is rather intimidating- but even if he tried his best, he would never fit well among the classical trolls, always limited by something (like his ability to fly)

And realizes that was okay. That was acceptable. And that the classical trolls knew he wasn't a good fit now, and would hardly ever be a good fit ever- but they never expected him to become someone he is not. He asked them to teach him and so teach him they will- but you cant force a white sheep to grow black wool anymore that you can force a black sheep grow white.

The moment they realize Branch is there to learn and not wreck their peace like wandering Rock Trolls tend to do, they definitelly warm up to him more- but it still with the mildest of disapprovals since compared to them, Branch looks like a scrunkly kitten and all of them are just itching to groom him properly XD

Branch himself is amazed at the variety of musical instruments that exists and very quickly finds that he is not a progidy in plaing them all pff. Wind musical instruments are most likely completely beyond him, and after some attempts gives them up for a lost cause. Percussion fairs a bit better; he definitelly has some idea how to keep a beat and a rhythm, but even there he finds playing piano the most comfortable out of them all, with drums being a close second.

It is with string instruments that he trully shines, especially those that he can play with his own hands, without the need to use a pick or a bow; a tentative hint at his connection to music, the vibrations just send shivers down his spine and makes him feel more close to the sound his playing produces. (Guitar and Harp becoming his favourite instruments from the get go).

Getting to Techno was trickier. Them living underwater makes access to their territory rather impossible- unless Branch happens to meet someone willing to cross then bridge between Land and Sea XD

It makes for a rather convenient introduction for minor genres; the land bordering Classical and Rock seems to be as the perfect land for various minor tribes to cohabit in peace.

Are there Techno Opera trolls? Siren like beings, that found their homes on the deck of boats, sailing from and to an island after island? Techno Classical that built their living on the coast line, wanting to be close to both land and sea?

In any case, Branch discovers that even with music it's not so simple as shelving it into labels, and that it is ever growing, ever evolving. He never manages to actually visit Techno Reef, but he doesnt' need to; compared to other trolls, the Techno Trolls are not insular, and quite happily come to the surface or to the coast, both to vibe with the offshoots of their genre, to discover what they came up with, but also to simply make friends and have fun.

It was the first time Branch encountered a large party not unsimilar to that of a Pop Troll one- and yet for all that the party was just as loud and wild as he was used to seeing, the sight of it didnt really fill him with uncontrollable panic. It definitelly helped it was once again more about the music and the beat itself, and about the mood of the partygoers than it was about the singing; it was about experimentation and trying out new things- and yet not every troll was dancing around like maniacs. They had the stage for sure, and large crowd was gathering there- but there were also the fringe areas and corners, where Trolls just sat and chatted and bopped to the beat. Not forced to do anything they didn't want to, simply allowed to have fun in their own way.

He doesnt really interacts with the Techno Trolls that much, beyond when there is a party happening on the surface. Gravitates more towards exploring the Minor Territory, and discovering that it holds more than just Techno Classical/Opera. Not wanting to stray too close to the border with Pop, he nevertheless encounters encounters various offshoots of Pop as well- and the K-Pop gang as well

This definitelly allows him to learnt that even the Trolls Kingdom are not free of corruption and the bounty hunters are not starving for contracts- crime does happen in the troll kingdoms, and when the local police force comes short, the bounty hunters are the next best thing to employ.

Speaking with the K-Pop gang, he learns- with a bit of unease- that there was an old contract unfulfilled, that searched for all the Brozone Brothers, and thanked his lucky stars he can in no way be connected to them. It was considered a cold one, where there was no hope among the communities of it ever being cashed in- but the knowledge someone was looking for them- specifically for the younger of the brothers (Him, Floyd and Clay) made him wonder who could it be.

(Part of him entertained that it could be John Dory)

(Other part dismissed it right away. After all, JD did specifically state 'Goodbye Forever'- why would he make the effort to employ bounty hunters to find three of his brothers, if he was even alive to do so?)

That meetings seems to set of a string of bad luck- at least, that's how he feels. Continuing down to Rock territory- of which he is most wary (after all, he was constantly being confused for one, and expected to cause mayhem and destruction- so what kind of Trolls Rock Trolls were to earn that reputation?

A very specific kind- wild and chaotic.

Compared to other Territories, no-one blinks when he just walks in and continues deeper into the Kingdom; and he can finally see why he was mistaken for a Rock Troll. Muted colours, sharp smiles and even sharper claws, it was like walking into uncanny valley, where nearly every troll wears his face. At that point, unknown to him, his colours are not completely grey and black, so he is sporting some faint hues, and very quickly learns that thanks to the direction he came from, Rock Trolls think he is from an Offshoot genre; either Punk Rock or Pop Rock (though they obviously hope for the former) They reconsider him to Folk Rock when he brings out softer tunes that he plays on a borrowed guitar; and for the first time in a while, Branch is asked to sing.

He panics, obviously- playing musical instrument is one thing, but getting over his trauma from singing is another- and quite swiftly and bluntly refuses, cringing after to wait for the inevitable "You are a Troll, why don't you sing?"

Only... it never comes. There are shrugs, and one "Cool." and then he just gets invited to an Indie Rock show, and that is that.

Completely baffled at this easy acceptance, Branch agrees out of shock, before he can trully think it through- and realizes it's the first time since he left Pop Village (at this point probably nearly two years ago) that he thinks back on its inhabitants and namely Poppy.

He feels rather guilty, for taking this long to really give them a concrete thought. Like yes, he did think of them at the beginning, when he lived with the Country trolls- but that was only in general way, comparing the different livestyles. He never really chose to think about the people he left behind.

Now, no longer blinded with grief, self-loathing and rampart paranoia, he does remember that not all adults in his life went out of their way to activelly fail him. King Peppy, for all that he was unequipped to deal with Branch's issues, tried to check up on him regularly; his Grandmother's friends or those who knew her, made it their goal to be kind, even if Branch tried to avoid them out of reminder what he caused

Hype, Trickie, Boom and Ablaze were old friends- his childhood friends- the ones he made after his brothers left, and the ones he pushed away after he went grey- and yet they still managed to be around, noticing them from a distance, even as he stopped speaking to them.

And then there was, of course, Poppy.

Just starting to mature when he left, it's not quite a crush that he feels for her (not yet anyway), but there is still some sort of appreciation for her- some part of him, that subconsciously aches at the need to be close to her, and feeling just that bit of her warmth and positivity- one that made him wistfully keep all her invitations and listen to the sound of her recorded voice.

For the first time, he wonders how they reacted to his disappearence. Wonders if they miss him- or if they curse him. If they do both- like he felt conflicted towards his brothers, the older he got and the more obvious it became that they are not coming back.

It was that thought- the comparison to his brothers- that pushed him to hesitantly think about returning back to Pop Village; to his bunker, to his old life- to Poppy.

It was a tentative thought really; truthfully, the desire was a half hearted spur of the moment, and not something he would drop everything for. He didn't miss his old life; where he was the village hermit, the outcast, the weird one. Besides, he just arrived in Rock, and he still had a whole adventure ahead of him, trying to find the Funk trolls.

And so, When in Rome, do as the Romans do- and so Branch steeled himself to attend a party, one that he was specifically invited to; after all, he had been at parties before now, within the reach of Techno Reef, it's not like this one is any different

Only it kind of felt like it- yes, the music was harsher, the beat went harder- but the harmonizing of voices reminded him so close of his own tribe that it just left him feeling jittery- and at first, yes, the party made him tense and hardly participate, but as it went on, song after song, he could feel himself slowly relax.

(Besides, there was something about rock music, that send warmth straight to the core of his being; something about it resonated with him more than any other music did, besides Pop- and where before he fought hard to not allow it to do that, perhaps, just this time, he could try the opposite)

(After all, they were underground, where Branch always felt the safest, and the Bergens had no idea other tribes even existed- he could indulge a little)

Of course, fate has a funny way of entertaining itself, and in the second of his indecisiveness, he gets bumped into and trips and falls- or he would, if pair of hands didn't steady him, and familiar voice asked him if he was okay

And Branch suddenly felt altogether three years old, getting fed empty promise and watching his older brother disappear through the entry to his Grandma's pod

And he is now in present, left staring at nearly 15 years older Floyd, his brother clearly living the best life, happily away from Pop Territory (away from Branch)

His name drops from his lips before Branch can stop himself, and that has Floy pause and squint at him- obviously not recognizing him, obviously trying to place him- before something clicks and his eyes widen and he goes pale

Branch most likely punches him- and then finds he cant stop heaving in fury and goes punch him again, not allowing Floyd a word in (honestly, he is not punching very hard, not apart from that first one)

Of course, Floyd is hardly alone, probably in a band, and his band mates are not keen on having their member be attacked by a random troll

Brawl very easily breaks out- honestly nothing new among the Rock Trolls- and ends up with all of them, especially Branch, thrown in a cell for their troubles, much to the protest of Floyd's bandmates, who curses and claims innocence

For the first time in forever, Branch feels hollowed out; yes, he had been hoping for a closure- but honestly, he had expected to find all of his brothers dead; not finding any of them living happily away, their youngest brother not even a blip of concern in their mind.

He certainly never expected it from Floyd, who essentially lived a stone throw away; who clearly was able to cross the distance it took from Bergen town to arrive in Rock troll's territory, just shy away from the Pop one.

------------------------------------------------------------ This is where I will stop the musing for now XD;

Obviously there are more things to add; Barb would make appearance, not yet as a Queen but definitelly in charge of keeping any Rock Trolls in line (she is not called a Princess because the Rock Trolls don't use that title for their heirs) and while Floyd is aware she is the future Queen, that information doesnt get shared)

The discovery of Funk Trolls still awaits as well, as does Branch's return to Lonesome Flats, as he had promised to do

But that's for the next time :)

#trolls #dreamworks trolls #trolls fandom #trolls branch #wanderer!branch au #Lore #lore dump

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haunted-radishes · 8 months

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Hey, you seem to be a Wen Ning enjoyer, can you tell me what you like best about him? I feel like he has a lot of potential that isn’t really explored enough for him to be a fave so I’d like to hear your POV on him!

Honestly, right from the beginning he has always just made me happy :D

But to delve into it, the first thing that struck me about him was how kind he is. He's a sweet guy! I started with The Untamed, only reading the novel later, so my primary impression of him is the version that sneaks down to the dungeons to take out the evil dog and give Wei Wuxian some medicine, so he's going behind his sect's back to do what's right as soon as he has the opportunity to do so. I love how he's timid and gentle, but has the backbone of steel to risk it all to do the right thing.

But he's also kind of. Odd. Sometimes it ties into his hidden nerves of steel, like when he drugs the entire cohort at Lotus Pier to help Wei Wuxian and co. Like, it was an incredible act, but he just. Fucking. Drugged them. No hesitation. Absolutely wild behavior. Especially in the novel where he had only met Wei Wuxian once before this! I do prefer the drama version where his actions make more sense, but his devotion is at least a little unhinged no matter the version. But also, even besides the obsessive devotion, his energy is just. Endearingly strange and off-putting. Like when he decides that the best way to quietly contact Wei Wuxian is to dangle upside down outside his window. Or feels absolutely no need to make himself less terrifying when he power walks towards the tied-up juniors with a sword.

And then! The unexplored depths and unexamined tragedy! You're left to wonder so much about him! How DOES he feel about the whole fierce corpse thing? About his compromised autonomy? Would he have turned against his sect even if Wei Wuxian hadn't charmed him? Does he regret any of his actions before killing Jin Zixuan? How deep do his grudges run? Is there anyone from the Wen sect outside his established circle of family and cultivators who he misses or secretly mourns? What does he think about the other great sect members, especially the leaders? Plus so many more questions we'll never truly know the answers to, because he tucks his problems away and never speaks of them! The closest glimpse we get of his inner turmoil is his verbal evisceration of Jiang Cheng with the core reveal, and that does show us some interesting things about his character! For the first time, we see him choosing to be as hurtful as possible, showing how much he clearly resents Jiang Cheng, but how much of that is personal dislike, how much is anger on Wei Wuxian's behalf, how much is blame for the deaths of his family, and how much is gall at him benefiting from dear late Wen Qing's genius and service without even knowing it? Also, what is he going to do after canon? What is left for him?

Also he's relatable, lol. That awkward uncertainty he always carries with him is very endearing in an "oh, me too buddy" kind of way. He has so much going on inside his head, but all that comes out is, "oh! Excuse me >.<" People are having massive emotional moments right in front of him, and he's just..... There.

Anyway, Wen Ning! Love that guy! Makes my brain go "brrrr"

#wen ning #asks #theres more vibesey stuff that's just. not coming out rn #don't know if i could put it into words at all #but he's My Guy

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buichiroushirase · 4 months

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Understanding Shirase is all about understanding the raw meat thing. Because the point, I think, is that he's someone who's always operating on the need to get ahead of what might leave him starving. Quite literally because he's been an orphan in the slums without any power or influence outside of what he can leech off of other since he was seven. He's easy to take at face value, because he's presented predominantly as a comedic character in storm bringer (and IMO one of the funniest parts of that novel), but you don't get a seven year old who was hiding under a bridge to get drunk, living in the sewer with a network of kids protecting each other from trafficking without a little tragedy.

I see a lot of people take him as just an annoying blowhard, which is of course anyone's prerogative, but I think all of his boasting and posturing actually reveals so much about him as a character.

For all of his grandiosity, "I'm the next king''-ing, and claims that he's the smartest and strongest in the Sheep, I don't think he actually believes any of it. To me, he comes across as someone who has constructed their personality around justifying to himself (and to anyone he meets) that he has a right to exist. He has to do this or he wouldn't survive under the conditions he grew up in. I think what's behind the mask is very apparent in these moments:

He's self conscious. Terrified. Deeply aware of exactly how vulnerable and useless he is in the world he inhabits. So he has to put on a show either be overstating his own importance, or throwing a tantrum and shoving indebtedness back in everyone's face. The moment that brings this best into focus is of course the little bit of his POV we get in Storm Bringer.

I think his whole worldview is kind of put on display here. He believes he became so useless that he was left behind and abandoned. He would after all. We know that because that was essentially his approach to Chuuya. And I must emphasize, not because of callousness but because that was the way of the world he grew up in: eating the raw meat before the person sitting next to you can get to it first.

He basically says it himself. That's the only way he survived so long:

I don't think any of that excuses his actions or his mistreatment of Chuuya, but I think it puts his character into perspective and adds depth to him. He's not your toxic friend who cheated off your math homework in middle school, he's a deeply traumatized child desperately trying to survive.

Tangential note to tack onto the end to this, just because I'm probably not gonna write a separate analysis on him, but I often see people interpreting his "I'm the next king" shit in Storm Bringer as evidence that he always thought that, but I'm not so sure of that.

I interpret it more in that he genuinely felt betrayed by Chuuya. In 15, even though he flies off the handle in the arcade scene, he's generally a little bit more composed. I think he genuinely took a big hit from the loss of the sheep. That line when we first meet him again in the factory and he thinks "no one visits me anymore. no one." honestly breaks my heart a little bit. He lost his whole family, and while at that stage we the readers know that he sewed the seeds of his own destruction, it looks to him as though he was just right to be suspicious of and turn on Chuuya. In 15 he acknowledges the Sheep's council structure, and seems to respect it, so I think this line is very genuine. His rational isn't "I was always king" it's more "you were our king and I feel like you failed us so I'm going to be better" however misguided that may be.

#this isn't good analysis I don't think I just wanted to ramble about my pookie #bungou stray dogs #chuuya nakahara #buichirou shirase #shirase bsd #anyway he has so much narcissistic personality disorder

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alxarasm · 5 months

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As my booklet prints let’s talk about the fundamental tragedy surrounding NedCat to honor the impending Nedcatweek and since everyone is talking about it (by everyone I mean like 2 people-ANYWAY)

They were always meant to meet, whether she was to be his good sister or his wife, they were always going to meet, and I believe there was always going to be a connection between them. Not necessarily romantic in the first scenario but just this…thing that pulled them towards each other, but it’s always- always going to end in tragedy. In terms of the hypothetical “Brandon lives” au, that’s a thing for another day, but Canon?? We got some good tear jerking stuff.

They were never meant for each other. They’re haunted by secrets and ghosts. They were both pulled out of their molds and shoved into tighter, more constricting ones. It’s a gift they never asked for. “You will rule the North.” Applies to both of them, and they resent it. He loses everyone after the war, and so does she. He hurts her before he even knows her. He’s terrified and plagued by nightmares. She’s never been more alone in this world. They find comfort in each other. They don’t know how to. It’s one step forward and 3 steps back. They try to be happy. He frightens her into silence. She forgives him. It’s her duty. He regrets nothing but the hurt he caused.

She’s an outsider. So was he. He builds her a sept. They have many children together. Each time a part of him is afraid he’ll lose her to it. He leaves for war again. This time she loves him. It hurts more. He comes back with another child. Not his, but the wound still aches. They have more children. Only one looks like him- a girl. He loves them all the same. She resents the boy more. They have years of happiness…

A Stag kills a Direwolf. The hand of the king dies. Their boy is crippled. She’s mad with grief. He has to leave again. He kisses her tears and still, he goes. They are apart for weeks. He wishes he were by her side in her grief. She wishes he never left. Their child is attacked. She bleeds to save him. She travels half the continent to find him again. They reunite- its happy- its dangerous- it doesn’t last. They part one last time. He lies to save her. She does everything she can to save him, but she cannot move inside this mold. He is tricked by the man she told him to trust. The thought of her is as painful as a bed of nettles. He thinks about her- constantly. He is plagued by nightmares she cannot save him from. He’ll never see her again.

Their baby girl begs to save him. He confesses treason to save them. His head is cut off. And with it, the secrets die.

She goes mad with grief, and she is alone again. He is everywhere and nowhere. He is her final thought. She begs him to save her while she claws at the face he loved, tearing it apart. He doesn’t. Her hair, they were going to cut it- he loved it. They cut her throat instead.

She’s at peace. Until she’s not.

#alxarasm #my booklet finished printing #asoiaf #ned stark #nedcat #nedlyn #catelyn stark #catelyn tully #robert baratheon #theon greyjoy #jon snow #i love em tragic from start to finish #ned x cat

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adastra121 · 2 months

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Touchstarved Romance Themes (Musical Version)

I like musicals, so I paired each Touchstarved LI x MC pairing with songs from musicals! These will probably be inaccurate since I'm going off of vibes from the demo. If you guys have other musical songs that you think would fit, please feel free to reblog or comment (I always like to find new musical songs!).

Kuras x MC

“All I’ve Ever Known” (Hadestown) — I associate Kuras with sunlight and devotion, and this song has both. There are a lot of lyrics that remind me of his path in the demo.

"I was alone so long I didn't even know that I was lonely. Out in the cold so long, I didn't even know that I was cold."

"You take me in your arms And suddenly there's sunlight all around me Everything bright and warm And shining like it never did before And for a moment I forget Just how dark and cold it gets."

"I don't know how or why Who am I that I should get to hold you?"

"Suddenly the sunlight, bright and warm Suddenly I'm holding the world in my arms."

“No Good Deed” (Wicked) — Can you imagine Kuras healing us to this?

"Let their flesh not be torn Let their blood leave no stain Though they're beaten, Let them feel no pain. Let their bones never break And however they try to destroy them, Let them never die."

"My road of good intentions Led where such roads always lead No good deed Goes unpunished."

“The Hill” (Once) — I think it would be interesting if, as a foil to Vere, one of his flaws is that he doesn't actually see us as a person? MC is either a path to redemption or another tragedy.

"But where are you my angel now? Don't you see me crying?"

"I'm on my knees in front of him But he doesn't seem to see me. With all his troubles on his mind, He's looking right through me."

Leander x MC (sidenote, there are so many musical songs that fit this guy why is he so musical-coded, also why are so many musical songs terrifying when you imagine it with Leander? XD)

“All I Ask of You” (Phantom of the Opera) — To be fair, I guess this song is also still unsettling in its actual context, too, if you know the story. XD

"Let me be your shelter, Let me be your light. You're safe, no one will find you, Your fears are far behind you."

“Something Wonderful” (The King and I) — From MC's perspective, Leander being toxic af.

"The thoughtless things he'll do Will hurt and worry you Then all at once he'll do Something wonderful."

"He has a thousand dreams That won't come true You know that he believes in them And that's enough for you."

“Only Us” (Dear Evan Hansen) — This is the sweet song that is mildly concerning when you pair it with him.

"What if it's you And what if it's me And what if that's all that we need it to be And the rest of the world falls away?"

"I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me. So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go."

"We can just watch the whole world disappear. 'Til you're the only one I still know how to see. It's just you and me."

“Our Love is God” (Heathers) — The Heathers songs are here because I cannot listen to these without imagining Leander anymore.

"They died because God said they must The new world needed room For me and you."

"I worship you. I'd trade my life for yours They all will disappear. We'll plant our garden here. Our love is God."

“Meant to Be Yours” (Heathers) — Leander outside the room he gave us.

"Those assholes are the key! They're keeping you away from me! They made you blind, messed up your mind But I can set you free!"

"You were meant to be mine. I am all that you need. You carved open my heart, Can't just leave me to bleed!"

Vere x MC

“Natasha & Anatole” (Natasha, Pierre, & The Great Comet of 1812) — This song is unsettling but there are so many lyrics that remind me of Vere. And I guess the unsettling vibe suits him well, it does feel like he's putting you in a trance before he devours you.

"And I never remove my smiling eyes From your face, your neck, your bare arms."

"And looking into his eyes, I am frightened There's not that barrier of modesty I've always felt with men I feel so terribly near I fear that he may seize me from behind And kiss me on the neck."

"Look straight into my eyes Nearness Tenderness Smile at me Gaze straight into my eyes There is no barrier between us There is nothing between us."

“Take Me or Leave Me” (Rent) — A more lighthearted song, and I think it suits his unapologetic attitude.

"Take me for what I am Who I was meant to be."

"A tiger in a cage Can never see the sun This diva needs her stage baby, let's have fun!"

"You are the one I choose Folks would kill to fill your shoes You love the limelight too now baby So be mine, And don’t waste my time."

Ais x MC

“You Matter to Me” (Waitress) — This song feels very straightforward and true and quietly comforting, like companionable silence. So it feels a bit like Ais's path in the demo.

"Come out of hiding, I'm right here beside you And I'll stay there as long as you let me."

"You matter to me, Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody."

“Sunrise” (In the Heights) — Since one of his likes is learning new languages, I thought this would be a cute song with him and an MC who knows another language teaching him a few words. The lyric "promise me you'll stay" makes me think of the end of the demo where Ais asks MC not to choose the Seaspring so quickly.

"Calor. Heat. Anoche. Last night. Dolor. Pain."

"Promise me you'll stay beyond the sunrise I don't care at all what people say beyond the sunrise."

Mhin x MC

“Falling Slowly” (Once) — It seems to have a lot of yearning and a bittersweet ending, which I got from their demo path.

"I don't know you, but I want you All the more for that."

"Falling slowly, eyes that know me And I can't go back And moods that take me and erase me And I'm painted black."

"You have suffered enough And warred with yourself It's time that you won."

“What You Mean to Me” (Finding Neverland) — To be honest, I put this here mostly because they like stargazing. But I think it does fit Mhin when they don't have the words to express their feelings.

"I won't lie I'm a little bit frightened."

"Every star that's ever fallen Knows the way to where we're going Now I really know just what you mean to me."

Elyon x MC

"Epic III" (Hadestown) — I'm basing this off of the short description of him searching for the one thing money can't buy.

"What has become of the heart of that man Now that he has everything? The more he has, the more he holds The greater the weight of the world on his shoulders."

"He's grown so afraid that he'll lose what he owns But what he doesn't know is that what he's defending Is already gone."

Sen x MC

"The Next Ten Minutes" (The Last Five Years) — I feel like her ultimate goal being her own death adds another layer to this song, making it less about a proposal and more about treasuring the time you have together.

"Will you share your life with me For the next ten minutes? For the next ten minutes, We can handle that. We could watch the waves, We could watch the sky, Or just sit and wait As the time ticks by, And if we make it 'til then, Could I ask you again For another ten?"

"There are so many dreams I need to see with you. There are so many years I need to be with you."

*******Bonus********** I'm sorry

Ocudeus x MC

“Hey, Little Songbird” (Hadestown) — Okay. So, in all honesty, I think this could fit Elyon, too, but I thought this was funnier. Also Ocudeus using bird nicknames because Ais does that, like a petty eldritch horror. XD So. Ocudeus trying to convince MC to drink from the Seaspring.

"You'd shine like a diamond down in the mine. And the choice is yours, if you're willing to choose, Seeing as you've got nothing to lose, And I could use a canary."

"Strange is the call of this stranger I wanna fly down and feed at its hand. I want a nice soft place to land. I want to lie down forever."

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blainesebastian · 2 years

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coffee cart girl (pt8)

words: 3,586 ship: austin x female reader summary: you’re the coffee runner on the set of Elvis. Coffee deliveries run pretty easy, until Austin accidently spills coffee on you. notes: you can find previous parts under this tag :) warnings: none tag list: under the cut! sorry if links aren’t working, refer to the link above if needed.

Time passes as it always does, days on the calendar sometimes feeling like months while others compared to seconds. As far as you know, there’s about two weeks of filming left…and then that’s it, Elvis is officially over—left the building so-to-speak. Things will move forward quickly after that for a bunch of different reasons. Not only because you’ve been on other film sets to observe the process, but your relationship with Austin will also begin to change. You just hope it’s into something positive.

It's hard to believe that in fourteen days you will no longer be stealing kisses behind closed trailer doors with the excuse of bringing coffee.

You’re excited and terrified all at the same time, looking forward to the unknown while also dreading it. Austin even has more to bring to the table because now not only does he get to balance the ins and outs of your relationship, but he also gets to wade through the film coming together, how it’s going to be received by an audience, what it’ll do for his career.

You’re beyond thrilled for him—but also can’t help but acknowledge that there’s a voice in the back of your mind that occasionally asks what happens next?

“That’s why I think your character Sydney needs to put her foot down for herself.” Austin leans over to tap on the page of the script that’s open on your lap. You’re seated on the picnic bench outside the food tent, milling over the notes Austin has left you. It’s been a back-and-forth process, mostly taking it scene by scene.

He offers to show it to someone else, like Baz for instance and you’re just…not sure if it’s ready for all that. Not sure it’ll ever be ready. Maybe you can submit online to some sort of film festival and be happy if it gets a hint of recognition.

Take advantage of your actor boyfriend, your brain supplies—and then pitstops on the word boyfriend because…that’s just a whole other can of worms. Obviously you and Austin are dating but you haven’t moved to using official titles, at least not out loud with one another. No one’s trying to make anything feel causal or unimportant, it’s just…

Labels feel like a big step.

You purse your lips, taking a sip of coffee, “Sydney is standin’ up for herself, it’s in the dialogue.”

Austin takes a step closer to you, slightly in your space but just enough distance to convey friendship. Despite Jillian knowing, you both want to maintain as much privacy as you can—the only people in your relationship are you and Austin. No one else needs to know your business, especially on set. Drama has the capability of catching fire here. Austin’s friendly with everyone, doesn’t matter if it’s fellow actors, extras, the lighting crew, or a garbage collector he met just once in passing. He treats everyone the same, it’s something sweet about him that you really like.

Hollywood hasn’t gone to his head.

You two being friendly is nothing out of the ordinary.

“I think she needs to end up with someone other than Paul.”

You snicker lightly, closing the script. “You’re not supposed to like him, that’s the whole point—it’s a tragedy that she ends up back with him, back where she started.”

“I think you need a better endin’.” He says and it’s not anything malicious, like he thought the one you currently have is terrible or something. But you think Austin’s a bit of a realist mixed with romantic—he likes the idea of your character Sydney falling in love with her best friend in the script, Alec, but the whole focus is supposed to be on Sydney realizing who she is.

And how sometimes we choose to settle instead of ourselves—hence Paul.

You open your mouth to say something else when a few extras, girls you’ve seen before on set—Ponytail and Pink lipstick, pass through the tent and smile over at Austin.

“Hey Aus,” Ponytail smiles, giving him a soft wave.

Austin’s attention is drawn away at his name and he smiles genuinely back at her, turning to speak, “Hi Chelsea,” Then he nods towards the other girl who’s lingering around the fruit. “Robin.”

You lick your lips, trying not to pay too much attention, looking back down at your script as if you’re busy. You and Austin just…passing one another in the tent too, saying hello to one another. Your ears are open, however, Robin moving to stand next to Chelsea—you can hear the soft giggle in her voice when she says,

“You were great with the performances today—I dunno how you always seem to have so much energy for those moves!”

Austin laughs softly and you can tell his cheeks are gently pink at the praise without even looking at him. Something so ironic about Austin is that he is so talented, and yet, he seems to have zero clue about how much he effects other people with his hard work half the time. He’s got the whole bedroom eyes thing down cold, knows how to innocently flirt with a camera or someone conducting an interview.

But when it comes to receiving compliments? He suddenly turns into a really cute puddle. You like the humbleness, it makes him even more attractive than he already is, but you also hope he knows how much he deserves comments like that. He’s earned them.

“Thank you,” He tells them, “I really appreciate that. Honestly it’s just lots of practice.”

And stamina—a soft smile tugs the corners of your mouth at that thought before taking another sip of coffee. Once the girls have moved on outside the tent, Austin turns back to you with a small smile, snagging the coffee that you set down next to your thigh to steal a sip.

“Hey—you could get your own you know.” But you’re teasing, you don’t mind sharing. Least not the coffee.

“Yours always tastes better…just a common fact.” He smirks, licking his lips.

Humming, you set your script aside. “You know…you do deserve those praised comments, right.” You glance around for a moment, making sure you’re alone before playfully tugging on his shirt. You leave your hand resting there along his chest, “Even though they couldn’t stop twirling their hair as they told you.”

Austin raises his eyebrows, locking his blue eyes on you. “Oh interestin’,” He drawls out, that Elvis twang sometimes hard to eliminate from his syllables, “I didn’t peg you as the jealous type.”

Your mouth opens and closes a moment, fishing for words to say but your cheeks are already splotching pink, “I am not jealous.” You laugh, removing your hand so you can cross your arms over your chest.

He grins, checking the time before putting your coffee back down. “Sure, your mouth is sayin’ one thing, your flushed cheeks another.”

You blow out a long breath that flutters your lips before rubbing at your cheeks with the back of your hands. Austin chuckles, leaning forward to steal a kiss. Too quick, far too quick—a soft sound of protest coming from your throat even though you know why.

“Even though you’re totally not jealous, as you’ve said—” Now he’s just being the worst, “But if you were…” Austin trails off a moment, leaning closer as if to tell a secret. “I think it’d be kinda cute, that’s all.”

“Go to work.�� You laugh, gently pushing on his chest and causing him to take a step back.

Watching him leave, that smile stays on your face paired with a warmth in your chest that you’ve just gotten used to associating with Austin.

Most of the time you just end up staying overnight on set. It’s like a given thing at this point, spending the night with Austin in his trailer, having extra clothes in your car to change into if need be. No one really notices you anyways other than Jillian. It’s amazing that you two haven’t gotten caught yet—not that you’re really trying to hide or be sneaky but…

You and Austin are on the same page that until the movie is finished, keeping your relationship under the radar makes sense for a bunch of different reasons. He’s not ashamed of being with you, your insecurities chipping away every day with Austin’s reassurances. And it’s not so much something he has to tell you, but rather it’s in things you do with one another—touches, intimacy, small, shared looks when you pass one another on set. There’s a comfort there in being with him.

Admittedly, you’re a bit more careful about going out on dates, keeping the PDA to a minimum. At least for now.

You run a hand through your hair as you exit a pizza place nearby, Austin holding the door open for you leave. Smiling a bit as you take another look at him, sometimes you just find yourself in disbelief that so much has happened over a period of time. While you and Austin were always friendly when you delivered coffee, as he is to many people on set, you just never imagined it’d develop into something real.

That he’d share the same feelings for you.

A few topics of discussion continue from being inside at dinner, curling your hair around your ear, “Yeah but I mean—isn’t that kinda like a ‘right of passage’, taking things from set when the movie ends?”

Austin smiles a little, “You just want one of the lace shirts.”

Your cheeks tint pink because…okay, are you that transparent? It’s obvious Austin looks great in a bunch of Elvis’s looks but there’s just something about those floral lace shirts that do something to your insides. Unsure which is your favorite though—the black or the soft blue. Ugh, or the pink.

“That’s…I mean, I would never ask for one of those but,” You grin.

An amused noise leaves his throat, “Right,” He shakes his head, “Think I like the comeback special leather suit the best—might take that if I take anythin’.”

He gets his car keys out of the back pocket of his jeans, playing with them between his fingers a moment. You both took separate cars again, just to be careful—seems like there’s always eyes somewhere when you least expect it, and you know when the film finally airs it’s only going to get more difficult.

“You gonna keep changin’ the subject?” Austin asks carefully and you sigh, tipping your head back towards the sky.

“I just don’t think I’m ready for my script to be shared with anyone else, Austin.” You know he’s only trying to help and he’s right that it needs to be looked at by someone other than just him—a producer, another writer, a director, someone with the capability to make things actually happen for you but—

But it’s definitely a sensitive button to press. You’re not ready.

“You’re not gonna be able to take the next step without it,” He points out and you swallow over nerves building in your throat, “I’m just sayin’ it’s good, you deserve to have other people see you.”

You’ve put a lot of heart and passion into the piece and he knows that—you appreciate him gently pushing and prodding but, at the same time, it’s hiking your anxiety up to a new level.

“Can we just—” You put your hand up to stop the conversation where it is, “Drop it?”

Austin sighs softly—it’s not quite annoyance, nor frustration, but you can see in his eyes that he’d rather keep pushing the encouragement. You know he’s coming from such a good place and you didn’t mean to snap at him, exactly, but he has to understand that it took a lot for you to be able to even feel comfortable sharing it with him. Pushing beyond that is going to take a bit to get used to.

You open your mouth to say something, maybe apologize or explain—

“Y/N?”

You turn a bit at the sound of your name, pausing near your car. It takes a moment to figure out who’s approaching you, your eyes widening just slightly because,

“Oh Jackson,” You smile, a little thrown because it’s been a while since you’ve seen him—your ex. Not to mention that you’re slightly disoriented from dinner, the conversations with Austin, mind whirling about the possibility that you could, in fact, share your script with someone higher up and everything that might come with that.

“Hi,” You laugh gently, moving to hug him because he’s smiling too. He’s just gotten out of his car nearby, squeezing you back as you settle in his arms. It’s not terrible to see him—while things didn’t work out between you two for many reasons, you both had ended things amicably.

There wasn’t any animosity even though you hadn’t stayed friends.

“I thought that was you,” Jackson says as he pulls back. “You loved this place.”

You hum, sticking your hands in your jacket pockets. He looks completely the same, maybe a bit more clean shaven. Tall, blonde, muscular but not overdoing it. He works with kids, rock climbing classes mostly, and your life was just going in a completely different direction than his was. But he treated you right—you suppose that’s good to mention.

“Uh,” You clear your throat, turning to look at Austin who has been… quiet, which is a bit peculiar. Austin’s a friendly guy, he has no issues introducing or even inserting himself into a conversation. You realize he’s probably just being polite but…there’s also something in his blue eyes. Right along the edges, something that reaches into your body and squeezes.

There’s a hesitancy there, jaw slightly working as he regards Jackson—almost like a trick of the light because as soon as you recognize it, it’s gone.

“This is Austin.”

Austin smiles, putting his hand out to shake Jackson’s, “Really nice to meet you man.”

If Jackson recognizes who Austin is, he doesn’t say anything. He just clasps his hand and shakes, nodding his head. You kinda rock back on your heels a moment, letting out a breath. Little awkward but…could always be worse, right?

“Well I’ll uh,” Jackson motions to the pizza place. “I’ll let you guys get on with your night,” He turns to you. “We should catch up soon.”

Nodding with a soft smile, “Definitely.”

You wait until Jackson is in the pizza shop before you turn back to look at Austin, exchanging a small look with him. He clears his throat, taking the cap off he usually wears when he’s out. His hair falls a bit onto his forehead, regardless of him running his hand through it.

“So Jackson, hmm? He seems nice.”

You raise your eyebrows, your mouth opening slightly before a laugh tumbles out. “Yeah he is nice,” Taking a step closer, you touch the lapel of Austin’s jacket.

Takes you a moment to really put it together, the way Austin is angling his body towards you, the slight darkness of the blue in his eyes, chewing on words in his mouth that he won’t say as his jaw works.

“Didn’t realize that would make you jealous,” You throw back at him nonchalantly, mirroring words he teased you about earlier in the day.

There’s an eyeroll from Austin which kinda just confirms your commentary, a grin beginning to pull at the corners of your mouth.

“You wish baby,” He just throws that pet name out into the open like he’s talking about the weather and it completely disarms you, stomach twisting in heat. He reaches out and puts his ball cap on your head, playfully pulling on the bill a bit.

You bat his hands away with a choked laugh, “I don’t gotta wish, I’m right. In your words from this afternoon, I think that’s cute—”

Austin grabs at your chin with his fingers, pulling you close for a kiss. His lips are insistent, almost a bit possessive in a way that makes your heart completely drop to your knees. Leaning against his chest, the intimacy ends naturally, pressing a kiss to his lower lip just because.

He smiles down at you, your noses brushing in a bunny kiss.

Good to put that whole ‘no PDA’ thing out the window every so often.

The thing, at least, about Sal is when you do your job in a quick and efficient manner, she tends to leave you alone on your breaks. It seems like she might be loosening up a little with the end of the film on the horizon, but you’re not gonna hold your breath. You find yourself at Austin’s trailer in-between the morning and afternoon coffee runs, sitting nearby as he strums the guitar on the couch. You were editing your script but…Austin playing the guitar is extremely distracting, not to even mention attractive.

He's in-between scenes right now, sixties hair—maybe something from the comeback special era? And wearing his own clothes; light blue jeans and a white t-shirt, sweater on a chair nearby. Seeing him with the guitar is one of the most organic things you think exists on this set—he just picks it up, plucks at the strings, and begins singing. It’s mostly on and off, nothing completely put together, to practice his voice and to keep him as genuinely Elvis as possible.

Well lawdy, lawdy, lawdy Miss Clawdy--Girl you sure look good to me

You smile, your eyes drawn time and time again to him playing—it’s kind of hard not to stare, the beautiful sounds he can make with his voice when he’s not even trying very hard.

Well please don't excite me baby, I know it can't be me

He notices you watching, strumming a few more chords before he stops. Curling your hair around your ear, you lean back against the kitchenette counter, “That was nice, I don’t think I’ve heard that one before.”

Austin taps the top of the guitar with his fingers, “It was originally written by Lloyd Price in 1952 but Elvis recorded it in 1956—introducing New Orleans sound to Southern whites.”

Sometimes you forget how much research he’s done on Elvis to be able to really slip into his skin for this movie—music and films, documentaries and novels, pretty much anything he could get his hands on. It’s impressive to say the very least, two years of prep really paying off.

Austin pauses for a moment, his one hand moving to run his fingers along his jaw in thought. Checking the time on your phone, you know you should probably get going soon—you promised Jillian you’d have lunch with her. Putting the script into your bag, you turn to see him still with that same contemplative look on his face.

“What’s goin’ on?” You ask, “Something wrong?”

Austin shakes his head, a gradual smile on his face as he looks at you. That definitely makes you feel a bit better…sometimes you feel like you’re holdin’ your breath around him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe waiting for him to realize that he could be doin’ a whole lot better than this, than you. But that moment never comes.

“In a few weeks I got these interviews lined up—interest pieces about the movie before the film’s out.”

You nod slowly, “Right, to build the hype so people go the theaters.”

“Right,” Austin clears his throat. “I uh, I was thinkin’ that you could come with to a few, if you wanted. Wait in the wings for me backstage.”

You laugh softly at the expression before— “Sure, but wouldn’t that make me your—” And you stop right in your tracks.

Austin holds your gaze for a long moment, nodding, the intensity of his blue eyes somehow highlighting the sharp lines of his face—jawline, cheekbones. You smile a little, moving to stand right in front of him as he sets the guitar aside.

“Are you askin’ me to be your girlfriend?”

“Maybe—” He purses his lips, “You think Chelsea or Robin are available?”

You scoff out a laugh, reaching to muss up his hair but he’s quick to grab your wrist, tugging you forward until you’re sitting on his lap. You make yourself comfortable, straddling his legs as you look down at him. Hands on his shoulders, your one thumb grazes along his neck, causing a shiver to run down Austin’s spine.

His grasp is on your hips for a moment to squeeze, “I didn’t mean to push you before, about the script.”

God—you feel like so much has happened in such a short amount of time that you almost forgot about the small disagreement you had about your script. You know he has all of your best interests at heart…and maybe you are letting insecurities get the better of you but, it’s a lot to put out there.

Rejection is not an easy emotion to always come back from.

“I know—I didn’t mean to clam up,” You smile a little, shrugging your one shoulder. “I’m just scared.” And even that’s a bit hard to admit.

Austin draws you closer, leaning up to press a kiss to your jawline. “No matter what you decide? I got you.”

It may not turn out how you want, but with Austin’s support? It definitely feels like something you can handle—no matter what.

Thanks so much for reading! I really appreciate any comments, likes, reblogs and asks. Can’t believe there’s only two parts left to the series! Looking forward to what might come after :)

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