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#like i want. but like success has always still meant a lot to me i'm too strict on myself w that so w school i constantly just feel trapped

arisuworld · 9 months

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| CLEARING SOME DOUBTS + MOTIVATION FOR VOID AND MANIFESTATION |

DISCLAIMERS:

1. Strong language (i swear a lot), sarcasm ahead, tough love typa shit. This is meant to be helpful and reassuring but I'm not going to treat y'all like you're made of sugar and talk like I'm from 50 years ago. Deal with it or not.

2. English is not my first language. So, there can be many grammatical mistakes.

So, lately I see a lot of people questioning law of assumption and void like "is this even real?" "I saw this post on reddit and they say manifestation is not real" "void isn't real, it never worked for me"

well guys, rather than sending hundreds asks to bloggers, just try to manifest once in your life? It's not like you're doing this for someone else. You're doing this for YOU, for YOUR OWN SELF. THEN WHY THE PROCRASTINATION?

Secondly, use your own fcking mind okay? Why do you even listen to people who are judgemental and just always shittin around? Do what benefits you!! If reddit doesn't benefit you then delete it.

Thirdly, VOID IS REAL!! 100% tested and proven by hundreds and thousands people but you still chose to believe one of those who don't believe in void. Great, right? Also, just because you failed to enter void once or twice doesn't declares that 'void isn't real'. It's okay to doubt after a failure, it's human nature but get your shit together alright? Get right back on track because IF YOU WON'T, THEN WHO WILL DO IT FOR YOU? Only you can change your life girlie!!

Now, look this is on you. If you want to have your dream life, you can have it right now but you choose to waste your time reading anonymous's success stories rather than making your own. Why don't you take it upon yourself? AND JUST DO IT? WHY NOT? IF THEY CAN THEN WHY CAN'T YOU? WHAT'S STOPPING YOU? The method is not the problem, swallowing or staying still is not the problem. It's you!! If only you could have some faith in yourself, then you would be living your dream life rather than crying over your shitty life right now. Believe me or not, but only you can change your life. ONLY YOU! No one will do it for you, not even your favourite goddess blogger. (Also, they have their own personal life so please stop spamming asks and disturbing them with your stupid annoying questions which has been already answered millions times. Yes, they've been answered millions times!!!)

All you have to do is change your mindset , affirm and get that dream life. THEN WHAT'S STOPPING YOU FOR FCKS SAKE? YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT MUCH? IT'S JUST SO EASY. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO OVER COMPLICATE IT? Manifesting is just like breathing = Natural, easy and effortless. But you still choose to over complicate it and then be like "Why it's not working, pls help" Listen gurl, the bloggers don't know what is going through your head 24/7, only you do. Only you can point out your own mistakes and work on your self concept.

I mean I get it, really. Your whole life, you've been told that ONLY hard work can make you achieve great things but suddenly you get to know that you're the god of the reality and that you can get THAT BIG ASS MANSION, MERCEDES AND KIM TAEHYUNG IN YOUR ARMS JUST BY AFFIRMING. Yes it's hard to believe sometimes but shouldn't you be happy? That all you have to do is sit back and relax. Shouldn't you be happy that you don't have to work 24/7 to earn good money? SHOULDN'T YOU BE HAPPY THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS JUST CHILL?? Yes, you should be but you silly goose choose to procrastinate.

"The cost of procrastination is THE LIFE YOU COULD'VE LIVED" (LET THAT SINK IN)

So what are you even waiting for? You already know how void and law of assumption works then why are you lurking on Tumblr 24/7? Why don't you take a break and show up on Tumblr with your own success story? Just go and get THAT LIFE BABY. TRUST ME IT'S SO EASY. Once you get it, you'll understand how stupid you were to procrastinate.

So the conclusion is, chill and relax babe and get that dream life. It's just so easy. You don't need to stress over it. It's just so fun and effortless. You can have a great journey ahead but only if you put some efforts in. i Hope to see y'all spamming some good ass success stories, alright? Good luck y'all <3

#manifesting #law of assumption #loa #loa blog #loassumption #manifestation #manifestation blog #void state #manifesation #void #manifest it #motivation #get motivated

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absolutebl · 6 months

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This Week in BL - I Gave a 10/10 to a BL... me!

Organized, in each category, by ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Nov 2023 Wk 3

Ongoing Series - Thai

My Dear Gangster Oppa (Thurs iQIYI) ep 4 of 8 - I love this show. I adore Tew's the simple backstory. No frills. No fuss. He got dragged in the way many do and he can kill so they kept him. They aren’t trying to make it needlessly complicated (which is rare for Thailand). That said, the pacing is way tf off, the emotional arc is rushed and then sappy out of absolutely nowhere. Before you ask, the kiss is not at issue, we halfway through they should be kissing, but the romantic life changes - too soon. But I don’t care. Finally, they left us this ep reminded of 2 v important things,

this pair kisses beautifully

in BL all mafia be gay

Fun fun!

Last Twilight (Fri YT) ep 2 of 12 - It's official, I love this. It’s a classic caregiver/bodyguard trope where one of them is opening the other one up to the world, but sweetly. I’m enjoying the softness of JimmySea's take and I hope GMM TV takes its cues from the success of My School President and doesn’t push this particular show into rough or edgy territory. Stay on target GMMTV. Don't mess with my bias again!

Twins the series (Fri GaGa) ep 3 of 10 - Finally, our adorable side couple has emerged! This show remains engaging without losing pace (despite the main couple being slow burn), which is all I want from a Thai pulp, and more I could ask for currently from a sports BL.

(Note: when I dictate the computer always puts "Thai pope" instead of Thai pulp - this is hilarious to me.)

Pit Babe (Fri iQIYI) ep 1 of 14 - I guess they didn’t strip the omegaverse out of this. Unfortunately, I’m not an omegaverse fan, so I find its presence extremely off putting. (But it’s kind of amazing that somebody finally put one on our screen.) Unsurprisingly, it’s a lot of alpha posturing and hyper masculinity, because that’s what this kind of worldbuilding is an excuse for (lazy writing and lazier characterization). This means I don’t like Babe AT ALL except that he’s smell orientated and a bit verse. Way is lovely tho, because Nut is a great soft screen presence amongst the testosterone haze.

Middleman’s Love (Fri YT & iQIYI ep 2 of 8 - I’m not gonna lie (when have I ever bothered to lie to you all?) I’m struggling with this show. The sound effects are getting worse. That is not allowed. Still I found this installment slightly more bearable than the last last, probably because there was more of the cast in play and less of Jade being too cringe to live.

Absolute Zero (Weds iQIYI) ep 8 of 12 - AKA temporal paradox of pain.

My Universe (Sun iQIYI) Friends Forever ep 13 of 24 - Ooo it’s a bit of a teacher/student (coach/player) thing. Linguistic negotiation and kinkification of phi. Also actually kinky. But not consensually. Gonna get dark. Bummer.

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 1 of 14(!) eps - Whines. Must I? Gaga doesn’t have a skip ahead button. Sad sack main characters really do not work for me. But this was better than I expected. I wasn’t expecting much.

Look: This is helmed by Cheewin (shudder) with screenplay by Den (Only Friends - shudder the second) under Copy A Bangkok (they deserve not my shuddders). It's gonna be a shizz show people. It's Thai dark War of Y style - my least favorites. Apparently, there is meant to be a "plot" but when has Cheewin ever bothered with plot?

On a completely different note does the blond look like that Korean actor/idol from At a Distance Spring is Green & Wanna One to anyone else? Or is it just me? (Park Ji Hoon)

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

A Breeze of Love (Korea iQIYI) eps 3-4 of 8 - I like it a lot. Dongwook is so obtuse and socially awkward and reserved and needy and Dohyun is so gay over and simultaneously wildly confused by this behavior. Fantastic. A bit stiff, even for Korea, btu I'm okay with it since everything else I'm watching right now is decidedly NOT stiff.

I finished it!

Let's Eat Together Aki and Haru AKA Aki wa Haru to Gohan wo - Japan BL movie 1.5 hr

Best friends life together during university - cheerful sunshine loves to cook, grumpy tsundere loves to eat. Aki is a bit manic pixie dream boy for me (not my favorite archetype) but they’re cute and it’s one of those Japanese slice of life pieces like Our Dining Table that isn’t really a romance in fact it’s barely a drama. This isn’t friends to lovers because they’re basically already in a relationship (which everyone around them knows) they just aren’t fucking. I did spend a lot of time worrying that they weren’t eating any green things whatsoever. In the end this isn’t my thing when there’s no kissing at all, and this was a bit too dull even for JBL. Sorry Japan, one cannot trade on cute and cheese alone. I know, you want to. But that's not a BL or a personality. 6/10

I Cannot Reach You AKA I Can't Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai (Japan, maybe coming to Netflix) 8 eps - This classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen. Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way. This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen.

I LOVE LOVE LOVED THIS. IT'S SO GOOD.

10/10

Let me be perfectly clear: I have watched 646 BLs and only handed out nine 10/10s.

I talk more about why this one made the cut, here.

It's Airing But...

One Room Angel (Japan Gaga) 6 eps - adaptation of Harada’s manga (which I did not like) about a clerk who's stabbed, nearly dies, and returns home to find an angel waiting for him. With only 5 eps and a good chance this won’t end happy, I'm gonna wait and let you tell me how it goes.

SHADOW (Thai Gaga) 14 eps - I'm not wild about Thai horror (or horror at all) even one featuring Singto and Fluke. I'm holding off on this one and if told it's good I'll binge later.

Beyond The Star (Weds iQIYI) 8 eps - House of Stars meets Boyband. I was NOT impressed. Waiting to be told if I should bother.

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - I find this series more fun to binge, so I'm waiting until it completes its run.

Next Week Looks Like This

STARTING

11/20 Bake Me Please (Mon Gaga) ep 1 of 6 - trailer here, stars Ohm (of OhmFluke) opposite Guide (bestie from IFYLITA). This looks like an actually gay version of Antique Bakery (play it again, BL). I'm intrigued, it looks HELLA pretty.

11/22 7 Days Before Valentine (Weds ????) ep 1 of 10 - trailer here, horror-esk. Adapted from y-novel of the same name, directed by Tu (180 Degree) stars Jet (Why You… Y Me?). When you want your old love again, but fate sends you a reaper instead. All he can do for you is kill people. I'll likely give this a pass and wait to binge if safe.

11/24 VIP Only (Taiwan Fri Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Screenplay by Lin Pei Yu (WBL) about a chef who courts a shy writer with spicy beef noodles.

11/25 The Sign (Sat ????) ep 1 of 10 - trailer here, horror-esk, but with a suspense and adult characters. Special investigators who loved each other in previous lives reunite in new bodies. Stars Billy Patchanon (BillySeng) & Babe Tanatat (new). Includes other SCOY favorites as a special investigation team. I may give this a try (depending on distribution) because I'm into the non-horror bits.

11/26 The Whisperer (Sun ????) 1 of 10 - trailer here. Thai horror BL that ALSO involves cheating (what joy is mine). He has dimples (My Ride) but I don't think even that gives me the will. You can tell me how this goes.

11/26 Cooking Crush (Sun YT) 1 of 12 - OffGun are back, trailer here. Adapted from the novel “Love Course! เสื้อกาวน์รุกเสื้อกุ๊กรับ” by iJune4S this is about Prem who runs a not-so-popular restaurant with 2 friends. About to go on a cooking competition with a huge reward, Prem gets involved with Ten, a stressed-out med student who wants Prem to teach him to cook.

Still Coming November BL

11/30 For Him (Thurs ????) ep 1 of 10 - high heat trailer, I suspect iQIYI will scoop this one up. From the people who brought us Unforgotten Night (please no) based on a y-novel, man nursing a heartbreak has a one-night stand, but the other boy didn't want it to end. It looks terribly trashy so I'm in! Maybe I'll do a trash watch?

Nov 2023 line up with screen caps here. Not kept updated.

Original 2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED).

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

To be fair this was last week but I did get the screen shot until now. (You are Mine)

I Cannot Reach You serving all Japan's favorite tropes plus some very un-Japan decent kisses.

(Last week)

#this week in bl #bl updates #bl review #I Cannot Reach You #Japanese BL #You Are Mine #Taiwanese BL #Let's Eat Together Aki and Haru #Let's Eat Together Aki and Haru review #2023 bl #upcoming bl #My Dear Gangster Oppa #Thai Bl #Last Twilight #GMMTV #Twins the series #Pit Babe #Playboyy #A Breeze of Love

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lincolndjarin · 9 months

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ride cowgirl! ★ (agent whiskey x reader)

(18+ mdni) pairings : agent whiskey x afab!reader summary : you like to make bets with your coworker for simple things, what happens when he decides he wants to raise the stakes? warnings & tags : no use of y/n, smut, sort of dubcon there's reluctance but everything is consensual, porn with plot, this ended up actually being mostly plot lmao, p in v sex, unprotected sex, forced orgasm, light bondage, use of restraints, fully clothed sex, pet names, size kink, praise, whiskey big dick truther word count : 2.3k a/n : first new fic post on the new blog!!! I had so much fun with this thank you so much to the person who requested it !! one of my google forms anon requests was for anything whiskey!! (I put the request at the end) this was the direction I went in >:) this was meant to be a drabble but I got carried away immediately. enjoy!! (this was edited super fast bc i'm tired after work lmao, so apologies for any mistakes)

It was a stupid deal.

And you never should have made it.

Of course it’s a little late for that now, when he’s already tying your hands behind your back with his ridiculous flask belt.

“This wasn’t a part of the original agreement.” You grumble as he pulls the leather tight. That smug smile on his face.

“You said, anyway I wanted it. This is how I want it.” He leans back against the headboard to admire his work. His eyes focused on the way your chest pushes out now with your arms forced behind you until you cough to get his attention. He takes his time before letting his eyes crawl back up to your face, still grinning ear to ear.

“Can we just get this over with?” You groan.

“Oh come on, gorgeous.” He’s loosening his tie, his smile never falters. “I already told you we don’t have to do this. I’ve offered you several outs and you keep turning them down. Besides,” He flashes his teeth at you in a toothy grin. “it’s no fun for me if you don’t want it.”

That’s exactly what he’d said when you’d made this deal a week ago.

“I think I want your hat.” You said rather confidently. The two of you had a long standing rivalry. You were placing bets nearly every week at this point. The winner was whoever had the most successful missions. It had started off simple. The loser has to take the other out to dinner, or pay for drinks after a night out.

After a few months of that you’d gone out with Whiskey more times then you’d gone on any dates.

Then you decided to raise the stakes.

The other person's paycheck that week, a piece of tech the other had, at one point your mothers phone number was on the line. (Thankfully that week you had won.)

This week you were feeling lucky. So you pointed at his cowboy hat, he was never seen without.

“If I win I want your hat.” You cock your head to the side, smirking.

“You have a hat already.” He was typing up a mission report, you had come in as you always did on Monday mornings.

“Nice observation agent, how’d you figure that out?” You took a pen from the mug on his desk, rapidly clicking it in an attempt to get under his skin. “That doesn’t change my mind, I don’t want my hat. I want yours.”

He sighs in irritation, taking the pen from you and moving the mug to the other side of his computer.

“And if you win you can have mine.” You flick the rin of his hat as you say it and he finally turns to glare at you.

“I don’t want your hat, I already have a hat.”

“Someone’s in a bad mood today.” You whisper theatrically as he turns back to his work.

“I’ve got a lot of paperwork to get through darlin’ so let’s hurry this up.”

“I already told you. I want your hat, if you don’t want mine then pick something else.”

He turns in his desk chair completely to face you now. Annoyance visible on his face.

“If I win, then you wear my hat.” As he speaks he cracks the first smile you’ve seen on him all morning.

“You aren’t making any sense, are you still waking up? Do you want me to go get you some coffee?” You laugh but he leans forward. Even though you were up on the desk and he was in his chair he was still nearly face to face with you.

“Darlin’ you can be so cute sometimes.” You have no idea what he means but his voice has a condescending tone that makes you scowl.

“Stop being coy and just clarify.” His first signs of a smile turn into a full blown grin.

“Wear the hat, ride the cowboy.” He whispers, you’re about to slap him for making such a crass joke but he looks completely serious.

“That’s not funny. What do you really want?” You pray he doesn’t see the goosebumps on your arms at his words, you spend so much time with him yet he’s never made a pass at you. You’ve watched him hit on countless women these last few months but he’s never turned his attention towards you quite like this.

“I told you. You win, you get my hat. I win, you wear it.” He has to be messing with you. You want to believe that he’s just trying to push your buttons but you know purely based on the way he looks at you that he couldn’t be more serious.

It’s an insane offer. But it’s not like you haven’t thought about it. Who wouldn’t be curious about what he must whisper to get women to come home with him, what he must promise them.

Stop. You can’t seriously be considering this.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Obviously I’m not doing that.” You get up to leave. Embarrassed by the entire situation.

“You win, you get my hat and the Bronco. I win, you wear the hat.” You’re already walking out when he says it and you stumble a bit before turning back to stare at him slack jawed.

“You’d give me your car?” The disbelief in your tone is palpable.

“If you won.”

And you just couldn’t say no. It was too good of an offer.

So you set up ground rules.

You wanted your clothes to stay on, at least as much as possible for the situation. Which he agreed to, so long as the two of you did it “how ever he wanted.” You didn’t realize until much later what that entailed. And of course there was the fact that he wanted you to enjoy it. An odd request all things considered, but he said it was important to him that you had a good time.

“It's no fun for me if you don’t want it.”

He had insisted that if you weren’t into it that he would stop, especially if he thought you were faking it.

Once everything was decided the two of you shook hands.

And then, by some cruel trick of fate, you had fumbled not one, not two, not even three, but all of your missions that week. A feat that has never happened to you in the entire history of your employment with Statesman.

So that’s how you ended up like this.

Fully clothed other than your discarded panties, straddling your most annoying coworker, who’s sitting underneath you, dressed the same as always except his pants are unzipped, with his belt around your wrists.

“Just let me know when you’re ready darlin’, take your time. I can wait all night, I've got nothing else planned.”

You could tell him no. You should. You just don't want to.

The second you did he would take the belt off your wrists, hand you your panties (the ones you pretended you didn’t see him shove in his pocket when you threw them on the bed,) and send you on your way. And he’d do it all with a smile.

Of course you can’t let that happen, that would just mean that he’s won, again.

He wouldn’t even tell anyone, not that anyone knew about the deal to begin with. But he’d never tease you for bailing, he’d just make you live with the knowledge that you bit off more than you could chew.

And worst of all, if you had won, you know for a fact that he would have handed over the keys to his car with zero hesitation.

So you roll your eyes and nod.

He clicks his tongue, leaning forward, his hands rub your thighs, pushing your skirt up further.

“Tell me you want it sweetheart.” He taunts, making you sigh loudly.

It’s not that you don’t want it. God knows you want it. You crave it. But you can’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that.

“I want it.” You say, almost comically emotionless which has him frowning, sitting up straighter.

“Let’s just call it. You clearly don’t, and I’m not interested in an unenthusiastic partner.” He begins to lift you off of his hips but you push against him, properly sitting yourself in his lap.

“Give me a second, Jesus. I’m not even warmed up, just- I need a minute. We’re doing this.” There’s a determination in your voice that stops his efforts.

There are a few seconds of silence before he speaks again.

“Do you want me to… warm you up?” It’s the first time he’s dropped the cocky facade since you started this ordeal.

“No. I think I’m okay. Let’s do this.” You nod a few times, almost like you’re hyping yourself up. The two of you hadn’t factored in a lot of the logistical details of this deal, more specifically foreplay.

As he pulls himself out of his jeans you’re starting to wish that you had. He isn’t even completely hard yet and you aren’t entirely sure how you’re going to take all of it.

He unceremoniously spits into his hand before gripping himself at the base, steadily stroking himself.

It’s like he’s a porn star and you’ve got front row seats to a private show.

You’re close enough that when he leans forward, softly grunting, his face brushes against yours. His cock becoming fully erect in his hand, you hope he doesn’t hear you gulp.

As he jerks himself off, his free hand reaches up, removing his hat before placing it onto your head. It’s a little too big for you so it tilts to one side. He gives you a lopsided grin before picking up his pace. You watch with wide eyes.

He’s too big.

In every way possible.

He’s too long, he’s too thick, he’s simply too much.

And you can’t tell him that. He’s smug enough as is, if you say “actually nevermind. you’re dick’s too big I couldn’t possibly fuck you.” he’ll be even more insufferable than he already is. But much to your chagrin he already knows what you’re thinking.

“You still sure you don’t want me to warm you up?” His nerves are clearly gone as he chuckles before hissing through his teeth. His thumb brushes over his pink, weeping tip.

“I’m fine. Ready when you are.” Not true.

“Maybe I could free your wrists. You can do it yourself if you don’t want me to do it.” He’s reaching behind you and you once again halt his efforts.

“No. We’re doing this your way.”

You’re certainly overestimating your abilities, but he doesn’t need to know that.

You scoot forward in his lap until his cock is resting between your thighs. You sit up on your knees and he lines himself up at your entrance.

“Last chance to back out, sugar.” With that final taunt from him you sink down onto him without warning. Barely taking more than an inch before you drop your chin to your chest so he can’t see your face as he simultaneously leans back to rest against the headboard once more.

It feels like he’s splitting you in half.

His hands return to your thighs. His palms splayed against you as his thumbs rub comforting circles against your flesh.

The sting is all you can think of but buried beneath it all is a heat that threatens to consume you.

You lift your head to look at him. He’s lost a bit of his bravado as he runs his fingers through his hair. You don’t give him (or yourself to be fair) a chance to adjust. You have a desperate need to watch him unravel despite the ache between your legs.

You take a deep breath before you take nearly half of him in one rock of your hips.

The stretch is unlike anything you’ve ever felt before, the heat in your stomach is bubbling over as you let out a moan you’ve never heard from yourself before. His grip on your thighs is tight enough now that you’re certain you’ll have to wear a longer skirt tomorrow.

“Christ darlin’.” He stutters out, his eyes are squeezed shut and you couldn’t be more proud.

“Is this enthusiastic enough for you?” You manage to grunt out between your small gasps.

He mumbles something that sounds like a yes.

You have to wait longer this time before moving again, you wait until the pain eases itself away and is replaced with that heat you’ve been pursuing. Only then do you try taking more of him, you don’t manage all of it but you take most of him after a bit of effort. The entire time his eyes are trained on you, a look of admiration on his face.

“You are something else, gorgeous.” He whispers.

His low drawl shoots straight to your core and god you’re sure he knows it. He whimpers when your walls clench around him.

You haven’t even started properly riding him and you’re close.

The way he fills you has you seeing stars. You would love to try and banter with him right now, tease him, but you’re too far gone. Too focused on the way his tongue pokes out to wet his lips as he lets out a soft whine before squeezing your hips.

“Let me touch you, please.” He mutters breathlessly.

You aren’t one to deny good southern manners.

You give him a nod and he wastes no time as he rubs your clit with the pads of his fingers frantically, like he’s trying to make you cum as fast as possible. You’re confused as to why for only a moment because your climax approaches so rapidly it nearly knocks the wind out of you. Your hips stutter as you sit, finally fully impaled on his length, in an instant your vision is a searing hot white. His hat tilts forward on your head, briefly covering your eyes. You’re left breathless in his lap, when you come down from your high he’s grinning at you.

“I win again darlin’.”

You groan as you recall the conversation you’d had right before he had tied your hands behind your back.

“If I finish first you can have my hat, if you do, then I get to finish inside you.”

“Absolutely not.”

“If I finish first you can have the Bronco.”

“...Fine.”

a/n : requester ily, thank youuu

#lincolndjarin #agent whiskey #jack whiskey daniels #agent jack whiskey daniels #agent whiskey smut #agent whiskey x reader #agent whiskey x you #pedro pascal #agent whiskey fic #agent whiskey / reader

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strrvnge · 1 year

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This is a fic request, imagine dr strange x reader, he’s her dads best friend and they both have. A huge crush on each other for a very long time, he finally confesses in an agnsty way when she’s all I thought you cared about me, and it's a slow burn. THANK YOU I have been dreaming about this for nights 😭

I can't explain how much I love thisss!!! Also I'm sorry for taking so long to write this the last past months were kinda weird so... I hope you like this.

This is a bit different from your request, Stephen and reader are already secret dating

(note this request was my excuse to rewatch all too well, also Stephen's kinda an asshole in this)

So this is our table Stephen must be here any moment. Should we have a drink as we wait?"

Your father had been one of the best professors Columbia had ever seen, teaching there for over 20 years with numerous successful doctors being taught by him, one of them being Stephen Strange too.

In fact Stephen was one of your father’s all time favourite students and for a person as handful as your father that meant a lot. Since you were a teenager you could remember your father speaking of Stephen's accomplishments in family dinners, how great, how bright, how much potential he had. He was like the son he never had.

So even after he graduated due to his admiration for your father and your father's pride for him their relationship turned into a very strong friendship. And then you met him.

Of course both of you knew it was wrong. The age difference was one very obvious problem, the fact he went out for beers every friday with the father too but neither of you could deny the tension between you two.

So it started from shy smiles and lingering looks during dinners, to innocent touches in the little of your back and flirty remarks that to an outsider were just two friends teasing each other (the outsider being your father).

It was just flirting. What harm could it be? you thought

It was all innocent and fun until… it wasn't. The hand from the little of your back moved down to your waist, sometimes even turned into a soft squeeze. Nothing uncomfortable, yet nothing that was enough. You soon found yourself looking over your next illicit affair, dressing up in every dress and colour you knew complimented you, your heart ready to explode as you did so. You soon wanted more.

The problem was that you got it. Everything you asked for.

"Oh here he is" You quickly looked at the entrance of the restaurant and there he was. You couldn't help the little smile on your face. It had only been two days since you last saw him but you had already missed him. Always looking great and handsome and then she came in, took his hand and together approached your table.

"Happy birthday you old man!" Stephen hugged him "Sorry for being late. This is Dr Cristine Palmer"

"It's great to meet you,sir. Stephen has told me so much about you. I've read a lot of your work too. Big fan"

You knew she would come too. Your father said she was Stephen's date, Stephen said she was just a colleague. He needed a date for your father's birthday and "Christine is a very good friend that was available for the night. Nothing more" he had said and had kissed your forehead and you believed him.

"So Dr. Palmer, are you working a long time with Stephen?"

You could still feel his hand around you from your last get away weekend. His kisses down your neck, the hot sun in your face as you sat near the lake, the song you danced to in the kitchen could still be heard in the back of your head and if you focused hard enough you could still feel the overwhelming feeling you swore was love.

And despite that, she was sitting opposite of you. Bright like a rey of sunlight, successful, pretty, your father must already love her but most importantly so did Stephen. No matter how many times he denied it to you you couldn't shake off the feeling.

And there he was, sitting beside her, not ashamed or hiding his face. It made you wonder if that would ever be the case with you? If he would ever be as proud and happy to have you by his side,in restaurants and during walks, in family dinners and even in those dull charity events. Introduce you as something more than his friend’s daughter, as something more than a kid he had to drag along.

But then again perhaps things were better the way they were. A close and private relationship is always best even if they meant your friends and family don't even knowing, right?

Some boring conversations and introductions later the food had come and you sat quietly in your seat having lost all your appetite. No one had asked you a question in 45 minutes.

"So what are you studying?"

You looked at Christine quite confused as the whole table went silent waiting for your answer not having heard your voice for long time. You bit the inside of your cheek as Stephen took a sip of his drink and wrapped his hand around her shoulder looking at you too to speak.

As if he didnt know

And then he gave you a small smile

"I'm studying for a PhD in English Literature"

"Oh that's interesting"

"I had hundrwny different children become doctors but i couldn't get mine to do it’’ your father said with a bitter laugh yet loud enough for the whole table to hear his disappointment and you sighed.

"Technically you'll become a doctor too. Just the different kind one" Stephen smiled and Christine nodded sensing the tension.

She looked so pretty and relaxed it made you wonder if she knew what Stephen was doing last weekend, or perhaps for the past six months.

Actually he had developed quite a routine with you that sometimes had you asking yourself how no one had noticed your affair. Calling him every morning before your morning classes, sometimes even having lunch together, meeting you every friday night for your usual secret rendezvous on the other side of the city. You slept at his place, you ate at his place… it was only a couple weeks ago he was looking around apartments with you in New York, searching for somewhere nearby his place. It was only last weekend you ditched your friends for a little taste of him, a getaway weekend he planned just for the thrill of it. You had turned 25 in his arms for god’s sake.

"Well that was fun" Christine said to Stephen as you walked out of the restaurant.

Soon the dinner was over and while you tried hard not to overthink how comfortable another woman was with your boyfriend you were in a terrible mood.

"Yes it was" you looked over them and you almost wanted to throw up. You looked as she placed her hand on his shoulder, you looked as she kissed his cheek.

"Are you gonna head home, would you want me to call you a cab?" Your mother asked

"It's alright, I can walk her home" Stephen said and you looked up to him puzzled. "A friend of Christine is gonna pick her up so.."

"Thanks Stephen. Well goodnight" your father said and you started walking to your place.

"Your father was kinda harsh on you today" he finally spoke

"Isn't he always?" You murmured under your breath, your eyes pinned on each of your steps not daring to meet up with his eyes.

"Someone's moody"he said playfully trying to lighten up the mood.

You snapped yourself out of your thoughts and turned to look at him for the first time.

Noticing the sadness on your face he halted, wrapping his hand around your waist to turn you around before quickly realising what he did and let you go. Biting your tongue to hold back the tears you looked at him, the look of betrayal and sadness all over your face.

"What's wrong baby?"

Your stomach felt like a knot, tying your insides so tightly you wanted to cry. You knew you probably just played around and it wasn't anything serious for you to be jealous but honestly you didn't know why it hurted so much watching him with another woman. You just couldn't take it.

"You can tell me" He talked sweetly and the concern in his voice almost made you smile. Sure he kissed her but it was you he walked home, your place he spent the nights to, it was you he cared about. And perhaps it didn't have to be official to make it real, perhaps being a secret made it even more special. Right?

Smiling you stepped closer, shortening the distance between you, before pulling him from the collar and kissed him deeply.,

In the end it didn't matter how many women he took out to dinners if he came back to you at night. He was yours.

"Y/N" he laughed uneasily, taking a step back, breaking the kiss.

"What?"You smiled, still a bit fuzzy from the kiss. He looked at you trying to find the right words before finally saying

"I think it might rain. We should walk a little bit faster," he said and started walking as if nothing had happened. Confused, you looked as he walked away, not understanding what had just happened.

"Y/N?" He called your name, noticing you had stood behind.

"I just kissed you and you talk about rain?" You said and he just stared at you waiting for you to quit it and start walking with him.

Instead you stood at your place stubbornly not moving an inch till he answered you. Taking a deep breath he took a few steps closer to you.

"Not in the street, there are people watching" he whispered as if he was talking about something bad.

"Well people we don't know"you said, firmly staying at your place, puzzled by his unusual behaviour.

Biting his inner lip, as he always did when stressed, he looked around quietly, not daring to look at you.

"say something"

"Come on dont do this"

"Do what? You are the one who doesn't want to kiss me"

"What do you want me to say?" He said angrily "I don't want people to see me making out with a kid Y/N. I have a career"

"A kid?"you laughed, looking at him with wide eyes, not believing what you had just heard. "A kid?" You repeated shocked "Was that what I am for you?" You asked, a sudden feeling of anger and betrayal creeping over you.

"Come on dont act like this. Let's go home" he sighed trying hard to avoid picking up a fight with you.

"No!" You exclaimed, taking a step back.

No you weren't going anywhere. How could he say such a thing? After you've been through together you were everything but a kid. "Why don't you want to kiss me? You kissed her"

"Christine is different" he said and then instantly regretted his words.

"Yes she is. Because she's supposed to be a friend whereas I-"

"You what?" He snapped, slowly getting tired of your act "What are you?" You stared at him in shock, your eyes welling up.

"Fuck" he muttered running his hand through his hair. He took a deep breath before sweetly taking your face into his hands.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he apologised, kissing your head but you flinched away. "Of course I want to kiss you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

"How could you say that?" You asked with a bitter laugh.

"I'm sorry" he said again but it wasn't enough. You hated how that made you feel. You weren't crazy, he didn't want to kiss you and you had to know why.

"I'm not a kid Stephen" you said now more serious, taking a step back to look at him.

"I know"

"Then why wont you kiss me?"

"Fuck Y/N why you have to do this!" He exclaimed and but you just stared at him.

"You kissed her" you murmured

"Don't get me wrong you're sweet and beautiful but none of this was serious and you know it" he said, his voice now low and gentle as if he was trying to explain something to a child. And perhaps he was, because you stared at him wide eyed trying to grasp each of his words, yet everything he said sounded so foreign in your ears.

"No I don't. We never talked about it, for me to know"

"We didn't talk about it because there wasn't anything to talk about." He explained, still not understanding why you were acting like that, his ignorance making you even more angry. "We both know it was -"

"What?! A one time thing?" You cut him off, defensively crossing your arms over your chest "Well don't get me wrong but it was more than one time Stephen"

You couldn't believe he thought of you as a child.

"This was never serious and you know it. Actually it's not just not serious it's wrong too" he finally said and you could swear your heart skipped a beat.

You took a couple steps back, looking anywhere but him, trying to hold back your tears.

"Perhaps if you were older" he said trying to soothe you but you just stayed silent.

"Do you like her?" You broke the silence and even in a city as alive as New York your words couldn't be more loud.

You didn't want him to answer that, too afraid of the answer. Yet you knew, somewhat hoped he would say just the thing you didn't want to hear.

"Y/N" his inability to look you in the eyes was enough of an answer.

"Do you like her, Stephen? Is that why you say this?"

"What no! Stop looking outside for the problem-"

"Oh you can say it. Say I'm the problem but don't deny that you love her"

"Love her?! Are you listening to yourself? We've just fucked a couple time, thats it" he said defensevily

"No Stephen no it's not just fucking. It's messages in the middle of the night, calls, parties, she is involved in every aspect of your life. And the worst thing isn't that you allow it, it's that you like it" you said now starting to get angry

"She's my friend and coworker"

"She's everywhere. Everywhere in your life and I'm nowhere"

"This is exactly why this can't work. You're so immature and needy"

"Why am I wrong? Where am I in your life? Who knows about me except for you? What the hell" you exclaimed looking at the other side.

"What the hell" you repeated now talking more to yourself.

You couldn't believe it after everything you've been through, everything you've done for him, all the lying to everyone you knew, the secrets you kept for him. How he let you all those months love and care for him, when he made you feel so special and sacred. What a fool you were.

"This is embarrassing" he said and you turned around and glared at him.

"You're so cruel Stephen. So cruel" you spat "I don't want to see you ever again"

#dr strange x reader #stephen strange x reader #dr strange x you #sinister strange x reader #stephen strange x you #benedict cumberbatch #dr stephen strange

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lily-orchard · 6 months

Note

Watched some guys' response video to your big steven universe to see if he would have some counter arguments whole time he kept making bad faith arguments, false equivalence and kept saying that you are running on alt-right grifting hate campaign and kept arguing semantics. How many people do you think your new steven universe video is going to piss off.

Yeah I've heard of that one. Haven't seen it myself, but the comments it provoked on the SU video told me it was a lot of braindead mudslinging. The kind of garbage I've been hearing for years, but now in video form so SU stans can just paste a link and go "video now!"

Dude's made three other identical videos in quick succession.

Honestly I have no idea what effect that new one will have. The main angry response to the last one was "DID YOU CALL BECKY A NAZI?!" but this one doesn't have anything that misquotable. It's all a lot of more complicated structural and foundational critique, which tends to fly over the heads of SU stans.

This is just what Steven Universe discourse has been for the last five years. Its fanbase likes to claim I destroyed people's media literacy because I made them hate one bad show in particular, but the fandom has done a very good job elevating me to a position much higher than I deserve because this video has been living rent-free in their heads for a long time. They've wanted a big "debunking" video no matter how dishonest or disingenuous it was for a while, something that would do their thinking for them. It didn't have to be good, it just had to be something they could link on Twitter to "ratio" someone.

Steven Universe's fandom set itself up for failure by just demonizing anyone who thought critically about the show. I'm not new in this regard. People were critical of the show for years. Bismuth was hammered by fans of colour, especially black women, for an extremely racist premise and they were abused and harassed off multiple platforms. People complained that Sugar's claims of being really invested in gay rep wasn't actually showing results, and those people were harassed off multiple platforms. More often than not, with shouts of "IT'S A KIDS' SHOW!"

The fanbase always had that hypocritical view of the show. It was this deep and profound show that had a very mature theme and outlook on life UNTIL you criticized it and then you may as well have been complaining about modern Spongebob. It's Avatar at all times, until someone criticizes it. Actually did see someone going "imagine if people got this worked up over Peppa Pig."

There's no two ways about it. Steven Universe has a fanbase that is simultaneously abusive as all hell, and have not a single brain cell to share between them. And you kinda have to be. Anyone who liked the show and thought critically about it was immediately harassed off any platform.

This video got super popular and meant I live rent free in the heads of every single person who still likes this show, and I STILL didn't get anything close to as bad as what they were giving black women who didn't like Bismuth. The end result was that the only people left were white gays whose only claim to not being bigoted pieces of shit was "being gay and liking Steven Universe."

And that's why there is never going to be "Steven Universe is Genius and Here's Why." To make that video you have to like Steven Universe, and you also need enough media literacy to really analyze it and those two aspects are in direct opposition to one another. There are episodes of Steven Universe I love and think are genuinely brilliant storytelling, but any praise of those episodes will inevitably lead to wondering why the rest of the show wasn't like that.

Trying to argue that this show is genius is like trying to convince people that The Room is Citizen Kane.

#su critical

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leclerqueensainz · 1 year

Text

A Family of Three (C.L 16) - Part.I- Discoveries, Reunions, and Surprises

Paring: Charles Leclerc X OC!Marie Anderson

Synopsis: Charles and Marie ended any chance of a relationship years ago. They just didn't expect to have to share custody of a child after the death of their best friend.

⚠️ Warnings: Mention of death and murder, swearing, Charles being a little aggressive in his reactions, mention of sex and drug use. (This chapter may contain triggers!) (+16)

**In this story, Jules Bianchi died in 2019, not 2015, which changes some facts in the careers of the drivers.

A.N: Hello! How are you doing? After a long time, I finally brought Part 1 translated into English! Remembering that English is not my first language, so there may be some mistakes! I tried my best!

Feedback is always welcome. Let me know if you liked it!

Word Count: 7.882

Read the prologue here!

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January 15th, 2023 - Milan, Italy

"Good morning, Marcella!" I greet my secretary as I enter the office. "Any news for me?" I ask the blonde girl who is sitting with her eyes fixed on the computer in front of her.

"Good morning, Marie! And...HA! I did it!" Marcella suddenly jumps, startling me. "I'm sorry! It's just that I managed to schedule the meeting with Fred Lacroix for next week." She says, trying to compose herself, and I smile."

"That's great! You're amazing," I say, leaning over next to her at the table and taking a peek at her computer. "Do you think he'll be in a good mood? He's not exactly known for being pleasant when it comes to selling and buying his art," I ask and Marcella just shrugs.

"I don't know, and honestly, I don't worry about it," she says, and I can see a smug smile spread across her face. "Either way, we're awesome! We always get what we want," she finishes, and I laugh at her enthusiasm.

I agree with Marcella. We are awesome and always get what we want when it comes to work.

After Jules died, I moved from Monaco to Italy. I felt like I needed to leave it all behind, even if it meant burying a part of who I was with my past. I needed a fresh start, and I closed my eyes to my old life. I had nothing left in Monaco. Nothing held me back or was even worth staying for.

I needed time and a new life, and that's exactly what I found when I came to Italy, where I was able to enroll in arts just in time to continue the school year. And a year and a half later, I graduated and started interning at one of the best galleries in Milan. Shortly after that, I realized I had a lot of potential for curating and dedicated myself to the field, of which today I am still a part, with the highest success rate in recruiting and selling new artists.

Today, I can say that my life is more than comfortable, and I spend so much of my day occupied with work that I hardly have time to think about everything I left behind a few years ago.

"Ah!" Marcella screams and catches me off guard, making me take a few steps back.

"Oh my god, Marcella! You're going to kill me, girl!" I say and put my hand on my chest, feeling my heart skipping like crazy.

"Sorry! I just remembered you got a letter this morning," she says, and I swear my confusion is written all over my face. "I mean, you didn't really get it, it's more like 'they passed the envelope under the door while we were closed, and I stepped on it when I got here'," she says and pulls out a crumpled white envelope with a half footprint on it. "I tried to clean it up, but as you can see, it didn't go very well. Seriously, someone should clean the streets of Milan more," she says and hands me the envelope.

I examine the envelope to find the sender, but I only find "Marie Anderson" written in delicate handwriting.

"There's no sender. That's strange." I say and Marcella nods.

"I thought it was kind of creepy too. I mean, who still sends letters In 2023? Isn't it easier to send a message on Insta? Or like, an email?" I nod my head and shrug.

"Well, let it be," I say and start walking towards my office. "Please let anyone who wants to speak to me know to leave a message. And that includes my mom, okay?" I say and Marcella nods. "Great, thanks," I say, entering my office and closing the door behind me.

I throw my bag on the desk and sit in my chair. I analyze the envelope in my hand again and for a moment, I feel a strange sensation as I stare at it.

"Okay, let's end the suspense, Marie," I say to myself and I grab a staple remover from the pencil holder, passing it over the glued part of the envelope.

Opening the envelope, I take out a sheet of paper with the same handwriting as the envelope, and two photos of a little boy with dark hair and eyes who I swear I've never seen before, but who somehow seems very familiar to me. I turn over the photos to see if there's anything written on the back.

"Vincenzo. 24/12/2021"

Was written in one of the photos. The little boy was sitting next to what looked like a Christmas tree. I took a look at the next photograph, where the same boy, who seemed a bit older, was sitting on a mat surrounded by toys. "Vincenzo. 19/12/2022."

Feeling even more confused and with a strange sensation spreading through my chest, I picked up the letter I had left aside on the table and began to read it.

France, January 2nd, 2023.

Marie,

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've thought about how I would write to you. You don't know me, and to be honest, I don't think anyone in his circle of friends and family has even heard of me.

My name is Cecilia, and that's all you need to know about me right now, aside from what I'm about to write to you next: I was engaged to Jules Bianchi.

I know this is strange and perhaps even unbelievable, but it's true. Jules and I had a brief but passionate love story. I loved Jules, and I can say that he loved me too.

Two days before his death, I found out that I was pregnant. I gave birth to Vincenzo on December 24th, 2019. He was a healthy and strong little boy, very similar to Jules.

I loved him from the moment I found out he was growing inside me. The result of something so pure and beautiful, from my relationship with Jules.

I know it's a lot for you to process right now, but so that you can know that I'm telling you the truth, there are two photos of Vincenzo. I want you to look at them and see Jules, just as I do every time I look at my son.

"I've been wanting to write to you for a long time. Jules saw you as a sister. I'm sorry I hid this from you and his family too, but I was so afraid. Afraid of rejection, of being seen as a liar. I couldn't go through any of that. I only had Jules, and after he left me, there was no one else I could trust, so I've been raising Vincenzo alone until now, but I don't think I can do it anymore. Vincenzo has a family besides me. And I need him to grow up knowing that he is loved.

I promise I to explain everything you need to know. Please meet me at the café where you used to meet every time you came together to Nice. January 18th at 4 pm.

- Cecilia.

My hands tremble as I put the letter back on the table.

What the hell is this? Is this some kind of sick joke?

I take the two photos back in my hands and stare at them, now realizing why I found that boy so familiar. It was Jules. That boy is the spitting image of Jules.

But how is this even possible? Why didn't Jules tell us he had someone? That's not like him. Jules was always an open book to us. He told us everything, just as we did with him. He wouldn't hide this from us...would he?

With my head swimming with questions and my heart heavy as lead, I found myself shouting Marcella's name, and less than a minute later, her short locks appeared through the door.

My hands tremble as I put the letter back on the table.

What the hell is this? Is this some kind of sick joke?

I take the two photos back in my hands and stare at them, now realizing why I found that boy so familiar. It was Jules. That boy is the spitting image of Jules.

With my head swimming with questions and my heart heavy as lead, I found myself shouting Marcella's name, and less than a minute later, her short locks appeared through the door.

"Yes?" She asks before looking at me for a moment and entering my office complete with a worried expression. "Are you okay, Marie?" She says kneeling by my side.

"Book a flight for tomorrow morning. I need to go to France."

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January 18th, 2023. - Nice, France.

I stare again at the clock hanging on the wall above the counter of the small café. 3:45 PM.

15 minutes. Just 15 minutes until I could find out who Cecilia was and why she decided to contact me now, after all this time. And why me? Yes, Jules, Charles, and I were always very close despite the age difference. But why reach out to me? If she intended to introduce the boy to Jules' family, why didn't she contact Christine or Philippe?

I hadn't seen Jules' family in a long time, we didn't even exchange messages. I left them behind when I decided to move on to Italy. They were buried with my past in Monaco.

The bell on the entrance door rings, indicating that someone has entered the premises. My head quickly snaps toward the sound.

And it's like in one minute, everything I struggled so hard to forget and leave behind comes back with force and without control like waves of a tsunami.

Standing just a few meters away from where I'm sitting, my gaze meets Charles'.

Charles. My ex-boyfriend whom I haven't seen in almost four years. The part that hurts the most from my past, besides the death of Jules.

He looks different. So different from the last time I saw him at Jules' funeral. This time he's not dressed in mourning black, no. He's wearing casual clothes, dark jeans, and a moss green sweater with the word "FERRARI" stamped in black. There's a scruffy beard on his face and his eyes...damn. The eyes that last time reflected so much hopelessness were now more alive, but still with certain traces of concern.

Charles walks up to where I'm sitting, his steps quick and wide as if he wanted to corner me before I could escape again. He stops half a meter away, and his gaze curiously roams over me. His expression is stern but also covered in doubt. I bet that, like me, he wants to understand why I'm here.

"Charles..." I'm the first to say, my voice low and uncertain. He nods slowly, his gaze still fixed on me, as if he wants to uncover all the secrets I gained during the years we were apart.

“What are you doing here, Marie?" he asks, direct and determined, without any hesitation. It's a tone I would have never expected to hear from the Charles I left four years ago. Yes, he really has changed.

I wished I could answer him with the same intensity, but honestly, I don't think I could. There's so much going on here and my head is spinning with so many questions and emotions. Why is Charles here? What the hell is going on? Did he set all this up?

"Is this some kind of joke? Because if it is, I swear to God it's not funny," he says, his tone now rough.

I sit there staring at him, completely confused.

Charles runs his hand through his hair, messing up his brown locks even more. He sighs heavily and closes his eyes, his tongue quickly passing over his lower lip. He used to do that all the time when he felt anger or frustration. At least that hasn't changed.

"What are you doing here, Charles?" I ask, and he opens his eyes, once again staring at me.

Charles's hand reaches into his back pocket and pulls out an envelope identical to the one that was left for me in the office in Italy. The difference is that I can see that this one was addressed to Charles, only his name, and also without a sender.

"Please tell me it wasn't you, Marie," he says as his eyes shift from the envelope to my face. I look at him with all the sincerity I can muster and answer, "No, it wasn't me." He nods his head, his expression softening a bit. He moves and sits in the vacant chair in front of me, his hands going up to his face to rub it.

"Jules has a son," he says.

"I know," I reply.

"Charles lowers his hands and stares at me once again, confusion etched on his face. Before he can say anything, I reach into my bag on the table, open it, and take out the white envelope. Charles looks at my hand for a moment before reaching over the table to take the envelope from me."

"You got one too," he says, not looking at me, even though it's not a question, I nod my head in agreement.

"It seems she arranged to meet with both of us. I think it's easier if we hear the story at the same time, that way there's no risk of getting the wrong versions," I say, and his gaze shifts from the envelopes on the table to me.

"Do you think it's a lie? That the boy isn't Jules's son?" he asks seriously, and I just shrug in response.

"I believe it could be Jules's son. I just don't know why she waited all this time and why she chose us. Obviously, we're not the best people to show Vincenzo that he has a family on his father's side," I say, and I see Charles's jaw tighten.

"We were friends with Jules. He trusted us," he says, once again his voice sounding rough.

"It seems he didn't trust us enough to tell us he fell in love," I say, and immediately regret it.

I look at Charles and if we were part of a cartoon, he would have flames in his eyes.

“You don't know what happened. You don't know his reasons, just like me,” he says through gritted teeth. “Don't doubt his motives. Not when he's not here to defend himself.”

In all the years I've spent by Charles' side, I've never seen him so angry. And if I didn't know him, I'd be scared.

But do you still know him? I silently ask myself.

"That's not what I meant," I defensively reply. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. Of course, Jules had reasons and we'll find out when Cecilia arrives." Charles relaxes his jaw and adjusts in his seat.

I look at the clock on the wall again. 4:10 PM. She's late. I look at Charles, a little anxious.

"Do you think she's coming?" he shrugs, but his hand goes into his hoodie pocket and pulls out a cell phone.

"She's late," he states what I already know. "But I think so, she's coming." Charles carelessly tosses the phone onto the table, his anxious fingers fidgeting with his rings.

"Congratulations on the runner-up, by the way," I say, trying to ease both of our anxieties, and he looks back at me.

"Did you follow the races?" he asked, a little surprised.

"Yes," I admit, somewhat embarrassed. "My secretary is a huge Formula 1 fan," I add, which is not a lie.

Like all Italians, Marcella is a devoted Tifosi. And even though I wanted to leave everything I knew behind, I couldn't escape one of the most beloved sports in Europe, especially in Italy, the home of Ferrari.

Charles lets out a low laugh, his look adopting the expression of a mischievous boy. Oh no.

"Your secretary, huh?" he says with a teasing and suggestive tone.

"Ah, shut up, Leclerc!" I say, trying to sound serious but failing when I let out a laugh. "I'm serious! My secretary is a diehard Tifosi. She can't shut up for a minute about Ferrari and makes me watch all the races," I say, shrugging.

"Yeah, yeah... And I bet I'm your 'secretary's' favorite driver, right?" he says, making air quotes with his fingers and having a smug smile on his face.

"Actually, she prefers Sainz," I say, and instantly his smile turns into a serious expression, which makes me laugh.

Soon, Charles' dimples appear on his cheek and my heart skips a beat at the sound of his typically somewhat flawed and exaggerated laugh. Oh, how I enjoyed hearing that horrible but at the same time very cute laugh again.

At that moment, even though I hated to admit it, I realized how much I missed that feeling of familiarity and lightness. And even though just a few minutes ago, I was doubting whether I still knew the person that Charles had become, I could see that regardless of the years and tragedies that life had subjected him to from a young age, that kind and playful boy that I had once fallen in love with was still there. And maybe he would never leave. And I liked that.

Looking at Charles smiling, sitting in front of me, I wonder for just a second if it would have been different if I hadn't left. But as soon as the thought came, I pushed it away. Because even though I was happy to know that Charles still had something familiar to me inside him, we were not meant to be even before Jules' death. And I doubt that we could have maintained a good relationship with all the pain and mourning that surrounded us. I made a good choice. Yes, I did the right thing.

Leaving Monaco was one of the hardest things I had to face. But it made me grow and become a strong woman. I learned to deal with loss, even if it may not be the healthiest way, it still worked for me. I was able to finish college, got the job I wanted, and met new people. I fell in love, and even though I didn't love them like I loved Charles, I still allowed myself to feel and try happiness. Clearly, it didn't work out, but the experience was worth it.

And I can also say that Charles has achieved what he wanted, or almost everything. He is one of the best Formula 1 drivers and drives for Ferrari, which is almost every motorsport athlete's dream. He has a successful career and is known worldwide for it. And even though he didn't get the title he so desperately craved last year, he may get it this year. He is focused, grateful, and kind. The golden boy. Il Predestinato.

Even though Charles is so young, he has given his family and friends everything they ever dreamed of. Pascale must be so proud of him, and if Harvé were still alive, I'm sure he would also be proud of the son he raised. And Jules would also be proud to see Charles' progress.

And then the emptiness appears again. Jules. I try my best not to think about him. The memories are still painful even after all these years.

I think I let my thoughts reflect too much because Charles, who was laughing before, now looks at me with a compassionate expression. He probably thought of Jules too.

"I miss him too," he says and I nod my head. "And I missed you too," his hand meets mine on the table.

There were no ulterior motives. Just a gesture. A gesture to affirm what he was saying. And it hurt. It hurt in my heart and soul.

I quickly withdraw my hand from his and stare at the table. Charles withdraws his hands and keeps them close to his body.

"I know you didn't owe me anything, Marie. No explanations, not loyalty," he starts, his voice a little broken, making my heart tighten. "But Jules died and you left. Why did you leave?" he asks, and I can hear the hurt in his voice.

I wished I had the strength to lift my gaze and tell him while looking him in the eyes that everything I did was out of fear and thinking that there was nothing left for me in Monaco. That I still loved him even after he broke up with me and that losing Jules to death destroyed me, but knowing that I would lose Charles while he was still alive would only ruin me even more. I couldn't see him every day and know that he no longer belonged to me. And that every minute I spent mourning and heartbroken without him reminded me that love was impossible for me. That I didn't deserve to be loved. That there would never be anyone to love me.

"I had to go," I say, still staring at my hands. "I don't expect you to understand or forgive me. Because I'm not asking for any of that, Charles," my voice sounds firm but my eyes burn.

I take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before releasing it. I raise my gaze to meet his when I'm sure the tears won't fall.

"I had to make a choice and I did. I chose myself," I say simply, perhaps trying to convince myself.

Charles nods his head and goes back to fiddling with the rings on his fingers. This time it was difficult for him to look at me.

"I'm happy to see who you've become, Marie. And I hope you've achieved what you wanted when..." he pauses for a second, unsure of what to say, "when you left Monaco." A tired laugh escapes his lips. "I'm not going to judge you, especially since when you left, we were no longer a couple. But I was an idiot to think that we were still friends." He looks back at me. "I was foolish until I realized that there would be no possibility for us without Jules being here."

I wanted to scream. I wanted to stand up and throw everything in front of me at him. I wanted to curse at him and tell him that he didn't have that right. But to be fair, I could never do that. Not when I left, when it was me who left what was left of the three of us. Jules had died and I had fled. When I left, I didn't think of Charles or his feelings. I only thought of myself and how I could never live with that.

I don't regret it. I did what I thought was necessary and would do it again. Charles might have needed me, but I needed to leave and heal. And that's what I did. Charles still had friends and family to rely on, and I had no one. No present family, no friends, and no boyfriend. Charles and I both mourned, of course, but we mourned in different ways. He had lost a friend, and I had lost everything.

There was no one to come home to and hug. There was no one there to tell me that they were sorry for my loss and that everything would be okay. So I went after what I thought I needed and I got it. I went in search of myself, a new life, new choices, and opportunities, and I found them. I found myself. Of course, I let go of a lot, and the void left by Jules and Charles was never filled, but I learned to cope and use it to my advantage for other things, and that was enough, at least for now.

Before I could respond to him, I'm interrupted once again by the sound of the damn doorbell.

Charles and I turned our attention to the door at the same time. Both of us were staring at a slim blonde woman, wearing a green coat and leggings. But what caught our attention the most was the little boy in her arms. He was about 3 or 4 years old, with dark hair, lying with his face hidden in the woman's neck, and his small hand clutching onto her collar as if he were afraid she would leave if he let go.

Charles and I stood up in rehearsed gestures, all at the same time. He stopped beside me, his hand resting on my shoulder, covered by my own coat this time. The woman looked at us and came slowly towards us. When she got closer and stopped about a meter away from us, I could analyze her.

Her face was thin and perfectly symmetrical, and even though it seemed like she hadn't slept in days, her tired eyes were a beautiful shade of greenish-brown. She is very beautiful. Her lips opened in a small smile, and there I could see that she easily fit Jules' type.

"I assume you are Charles and Marie, right?" She says, her voice sweet and tired.

My gaze moves from her to the little boy in her arms, and then they cross with Charles'. He tells me through his eyes the same things I am thinking. We return our attention to the blonde in front of us and nod.

"Great!" She clears her throat before continuing, "I'm Cecilia, and this little guy here is Vincenzo." She gently shakes the child, who tightens his grip on her coat collar even more. "Jules' son."

Charles' grip on my shoulder becomes stronger, and I swallow hard. I can't take my eyes off the little boy, and now up close, I can see his profile. His chubby childlike cheek and long eyelashes, just like Jules'.

Cecilia shifts uncomfortably, her feet shifting the weight from one to the other, and she adjusts Vincenzo's position in her lap.

"I know you must have thousands of questions, and I promise I will answer them all. But before that, would you mind if I sit down? Vincenzo is a bit heavy, and I walked here with him in my arms," she says, embarrassed.

"Of course not. Please," Charles approaches her and pulls the chair he was sitting in a few minutes ago. Cecilia sits down, careful not to make any sudden movements and wake Vincenzo.

Charles points to the empty chair, and I sit down. He takes a few steps hto the table next to us and takes an unoccupied chair to sit on. Once the three of us are seated around the table, Charles calls the waitress, whom I only now notice has been staring at us this whole time. The redheaded and smiling girl, who probably can't be more than 19 years old, approaches with her gaze fixed on Charles- she probably recognized him.

Charles is the one who orders. A cappuccino for me- which causes a sensation in my stomach that he still remembers- an iced tea for himself, and he asks Cecilia what she would like to drink, to which she responds that coffee would be enough. The redhead writes down the orders and asks for permission to leave. Her eyes still glued to Charles.

I roll my eyes internally, but I know I can't blame her. After all, it's probably not every day that she serves a public figure. When we used to come here with Jules, the employees were different, and the small café is located on a somewhat isolated street in Nice, so it's unlikely that many famous people come here.

I take my gaze off the waitress and turn back to Cecilia, who was already looking at me attentively with a small smile on her lips.

"Well..." Charles begins. "Why are we here, Cecilia? Why only now have you contacted us?" He leans forward a little more, his arms resting on the wooden table.

Cecilia shifts in her chair carefully and her eyes briefly glance at Vincenzo before turning back to us.

"I wanted you to meet Vincenzo. While he was alive, Jules always mentioned you as part of his family. He loved you both very much," she says, and I feel my chest tightening.

"But why only now?" I speak for the first time. "I know you wrote in the letter that you were afraid, but it still sounds strange that you would come looking for us now, without any reason," I say, trying to keep my voice steady.

Cecilia falls silent for a few seconds as if she wants to formulate the next words carefully.

"There's a reason," she confirms. "Look, I know it's strange, and I assure you that I'm not looking for any money or anything like that." Her gaze shifts from me to Charles, as if she wants to confirm the latter part specifically for him. "Jules and I met about six months before he died, and it was love at first sight."

"He never told us about you," Charles responds cutting her off and she nods.

"I know he didn't. I asked him not to," she says and Charles and I exchange confused looks before turning our attention back to her.

"What do you mean? Why would you ask him not to?" I ask, finding it all very odd.

"When I met Jules, I was in a complicated time in my life," she answers and I see her face darken. "I was only 19 and had run away from Italy." Her voice trembles as if it's hard for her to mention those times again.

I wish I could tell her that she didn't need to tell us if she wasn't feeling comfortable, but the truth was that it was really necessary. After all, that's what Charles and I are here for.

Charles nodded for her to continue and I could feel his tension.

"I got involved with the wrong people in Italy," she continues. "There was a boy I had been in love with during my teenage years, Paolo was his name. We were very young and stupid, you know?" Cecília laughs and her eyes fill with tears. "Like every teenager, we thought we were invincible, but we weren't. When I was 17, I spent most of my time at parties and clubs with him. We drank and did drugs, and everything was fun and happy until it wasn't anymore. Over time, the drinking and drugs stopped being just for parties and began to become necessary for anything. From being able to concentrate on studies, to being able to get out of bed. My parents assumed that Paolo was to blame for my addiction and banned me from seeing him. I obviously went against them and they made me choose between a life with them or my ruin with Paolo. I, being young and foolish, chose love and abandoned my parents without looking back. I left the life I had to chase adventures with Paolo and he did the same, running away from home. But the thing is, we were two addicted people without a home and money. There was no more money from our parents, so we started doing whatever we could. Small thefts and even..." She stops for a moment, thick tears streaming down her face.

"Here." Charles extends a napkin and she takes it, wiping her face immediately after.

"Thank you," she says and he offers her a half-smile. "Even prostitution," she continues, and I feel my stomach churn. It wasn't disgust, but rather a pity for imagining someone in that situation. Beside me, I could see that Charles was equally uncomfortable. It was hard for him to put himself in her place.

Charles grew up with great parents who did everything for their children, and even though they weren't millionaires at the time, they still managed to have and offer a comfortable life for them. And I bet that if any of the three, Charles, Lorenzo, or Arthur, had gone the wrong way, Pascale would never have abandoned them.

And me, well, I was lucky. I spent my teenage years with Jules and Charles, who had a structured enough family to share with me because my parents were absent.

Obviously, Charles and I had our rebellious phase with occasional drinking and smoking weed. But Jules, being almost ten years older than us, always kept us in line like a good older brother. And if he knew that we had crossed the line at parties or anywhere else, oh God! He would freak out.

- "Cecilia, I know it's difficult for you to say this, but I think it's important for Charles and me to understand," I say and she nods.

Cecília takes two deep breaths before continuing, and that's when I'm sure the story would only get worse. I try to prepare myself to hear what she had to say.

"I prostituted myself a few times without Paolo's knowledge. Some traffickers gave me drugs in exchange for sex and since many times I had no other choice, I accepted. But one day he found out and that ended us. With us." Tears returned to stream down her face. "Paolo went crazy when he found out and went after the trafficker I had slept with. He got a gun and killed the guy. We were on the run for a few weeks, but it was too hard for two homeless addicts to hide in Italy. Soon they found us and..." She closes her eyes and sobs.

I stretch my hand across the table and take Cecilia's hand. There was a lot of pain there and part of me wanted to curl up and stop listening, but I couldn't. I glance at Charles and he meets my gaze, his eyes reflecting distress at hearing everything that came out of her mouth. It was too surreal for him to hear all of that.

"They killed Paolo and thought they had killed me too. But by some miracle, I managed to survive and ask for help at a church. The priest there was friends with my parents and managed to find a family in Nice who were willing to help me. So I came to France, went through rehabilitation, and started attending meetings for drug addicts." Her eyes become distant again, and I continue holding her hand. "It was on the way back from one of those meetings that I met Jules, and that's where I understood the reason why I survived. We fell in love, but he had a public life and I couldn't expose myself because I was afraid that they would come after me. I told Jules what had happened and unlike what I thought he would do, he embraced me. He promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone, not even you two until I was ready and safe. And he did that. He kept us a secret for months. We saw each other every time he came back to Nice, after the races." She finishes.

Charles and I watched as Cecilia tried to calm her breathing, her grip on the sleeping Vincenzo's body tightening as if afraid he might disappear from her arms at any moment.

It breaks my heart to see all her pain and gives me a completely different perspective from when I walked in here today. She loved Vincenzo, and that was clear, just as she had loved Jules. And that's the part that hurts me the most.

Knowing that the reason Jules never mentioned her to us, his friends and family, was sole to protect her, made my heart heavy and warm at the same time. That was so Jules.

I remember months before he died, he started to spend more time in his hometown and whenever we asked him about it, he said he wanted to spend a little more time with his family. We even found it a little strange, but Jules always had a great relationship with his parents and closest relatives, which made us simply let it go and just enjoy the time we spent together before he and Charles had to go back to racing.

"I'm sorry for all of this, really, Cecilia," Charles is the first to say after she seems calmer. "But we still need to know why you're only coming to us now," he says, and I agree.

Cecilia nods and looks at Vincenzo in her arms. The tension emanating from her makes me shiver, and Charles probably noticed it too as his hand finds my thigh under the table.

"About two days before Jules' death, I found out I was pregnant with Vincenzo," she says and I nod in understanding. "Jules was racing in Shanghai and I was scared and alone here." The tears that had ceased returned in stronger waves.

My mind teleports back to 2019, to Jules' last race. He was so happy to finish seventh that day. But, all of a sudden, he just wanted to go home and rest, not even celebrating with the boys on the grid.

"I sent him a message after the race. I said I needed him to come to Nice as soon as possible because something had happened," Cecilia looks at Charles as she speaks. "Then he sent me a message saying he would take the first available flight back to France."

As Cecilia talks, Charles' grip on my thigh gets stronger. I look at him from the corner of my eye and I can see the moment his Adam's apple goes up and down.

"So that's why he left so quickly that day," Charles' voice sounds low. "He left before I could talk to him..." His eyes fill with tears and his breathing becomes a bit unstable. Cecilia just nods and closes her eyes tightly before continuing.

"When Jules arrived in Nice, it was already early morning and it was raining heavily. He tried to get a taxi or Uber, but couldn't get either," this time I feel my breathing falter a bit as she continues. "He managed to rent a car from a nearby 24-hour agency and sent me a message saying he would arrive soon and that I didn't need to worry because no matter what was happening, everything would be okay and that he loved me."

Charles stood up abruptly. His face adopted a look of disbelief.

"It was you..." his voice was weak and accusatory. "It was because of you that he... My God!" He flinches and his hands pass through his face and his hair.

"Charles..." I try to calm him down, even though I am also anxious. "Charles, please sit down and try to calm down." I try to grab his hand, but he recoils in a sudden movement.

"Calm down? It's her, Marie!" he says, pointing to Cecilia who only shrinks into her chair and holds Vincenzo even tighter, as he moves uncomfortably in her lap. "She killed him! IT'S HER FAULT THAT JULES DIED!" he screams.

My breathing becomes difficult and my heart races. In front of me, Cecilia sobs and holds Vincenzo even closer to her body.

All that commotion made some employees start to appear and approach at a safe distance from the table.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Cecilia pleads. "I swear I never wanted this to happen, I was so scared and..." She stops when she hears Vincenzo's low cry.

Charles' attention goes to the little boy as he realizes he is now awake. He shakes his head in a negative motion and leaves the café in a hurry, slamming the door hard behind him. We are startled by the noise and the little boy cries even louder. I quickly get up to go after Charles, but before I do, I turn to Cecilia.

"Please wait here, okay? I'll try to calm him down. Don't leave," I say, and she nods, her face stained with tears that continued to fall, and her breathing accelerated as she rocked Vincenzo, trying to calm him down.

A dark-haired waitress approaches with a glass of water in her hands and places it in front of Cecilia. I thank her with a gesture and quickly leave through the door to find Charles.

It doesn't take me long to find him, he was in front of a black car. His body leaned against the driver's side. Even from a distance, I can see his body shaking and hear the sound of his erratic breathing. I approach him slowly, so as not to startle him.

When I get close enough, I think about touching him, but the thought leaves my mind when I realize it's not a good idea.

"Charles..." I call him softly to get his attention. "I'm sorry, but we need to go back there. She-"

"No!" he exclaims. "Please, Marie! Don't ask me to go back there. She killed him! It was her fault!" He stares at me with red and swollen eyes.

My heart tightens at the sight of him like this. I find myself being sent back to the year of Jules' death, specifically to the day of his funeral.

I wanted to hug Charles and tell him that everything would be okay, but in reality, I didn't know if it would. Jules had died almost four years ago, and yet it still hurt every time his name was mentioned. And hearing today from a stranger the reasons that resulted in his death was not easy. But there was a reason why Cecilia wanted to contact us after all this time, and we needed to know.

I take a deep breath and decide to approach Charles more. One of us had to try to be rational at this moment, and if it had to be me, okay. I wasn't going to go back to Italy without an answer.

"Charles, I understand that it's difficult to hear all of this suddenly," my hands go to his face. "I know it hurts, Charles. I'm feeling it too." He closes his eyes and I feel tears rolling down my face. "But we can't blame her entirely, Charles. She was scared and just wanted to talk to him.”

“And it resulted in his death." He says, his eyes opening and meeting mine. "Marie, if she hadn't done what she did, he would be here now. He would be alive and he would have met..." His voice trails off. "He would have met his son." He cries and I pull him into a hug.

Jules died without knowing his son. Jules died without knowing that he would have a son. Jules died in the dark without knowing what was happening to Cecilia. Jules died alone and worried, and nothing we can do will bring him back. He died. It's over. But Charles and I are still here.

"Jules died without knowing his son, but we're still here and we can do this for him," I say and he squeezes me tighter.

"We're still here, Charles. And we can do this." He breaks the hug and looks at me with a face full of sorrow. I nod.

"We need to go in there together. Together," he looks down at his feet. "Charles, I need you to go in there with me because I can't do this alone." His eyes come back to me and he understands that I used the same words he did a few years ago. "Please, Charles. I don't want to do this alone. I can't." He nods and I take his hand and slowly lead him back to the cafe.

When we walk through the door, my eyes meet Cecilia's. I nod my head to let her know it's okay, and she nods in understanding. I look at Charles who stares at her expressionlessly. His gaze is icy, totally different from the one I once knew.

Still holding Charles' hand, I walk toward the table where she uncomfortably waits for us. I notice that Vincenzo is no longer in her lap and feel momentary concern that quickly passes when I see him playing with the same red-haired waitress who had served us.

We sit in our chairs and I see that our orders are placed on the table. I feel my stomach churn just looking at the cappuccino in front of me. I take glance around and notice the employees trying to avoid looking at us. I make a mental note to "solve" this problem so it doesn't follow us when we leave.

"Just say what you want," Charles breaks the silence, his eyes still staring at Cecilia who nods and swallows hard.

"I understand your anger, and I know I have no right to ask for what I'm about to ask," she says and my hearing sharpens. "I live with guilt for years. Whether it's for Paolo or Jules, guilt and remorse follow me wherever I go. No matter what I try to do, they're always there." She looks at her hands. "Last year, I relapsed. I used heroin, once, but I used it. After years of resisting and not even going near drugs, I let my messed-up mind fall into the hole and I shot up." She lets out a desperate laugh and her eyes fill with water.

My body freezes and Charles makes a sound of scorn beside me. When he opens his mouth to say something, Cecilia cuts him off.

"Yes, I know I'm a whore, and I deserve the worst shit life has in store for me. But that's the thing. I deserve the bad things, but my son doesn't," she says firmly, looking at us seriously. "I need Vincenzo to have a good and decent life. I need to make sure he grows up loved and that he never lacks anything." She looks away for a moment to the table where Vincenzo was happily playing with the waitress and then back to us.

Cecilia takes a deep breath and leans forward. I could swear she was capable of asking for anything at that moment. Money, a house in a distant place, a period in rehab, anything.

"I can't take care of Vincenzo anymore," she asserts, her tone exuding bitterness. "I promised Jules that I would do everything to make him different from me. And that's why I came to you after all these years."

My head spins. She's asking for...? No, it's not possible.

"What do you mean by that?" Charles asks anxiously.

"Cecilia wipes the tears from her face with her hand, blinks a few times, and adopts a determined look, a look that I knew well. The same look I gave to myself in the mirror when I decided to leave Monaco. Suddenly, I feel afraid because my suspicions are confirmed.

"She wants us to take care of Vincenzo," I say.

#charles leclerc smut #charles leclerc x black!reader #charles leclerc x reader angst #charles lecrelc #pierre gasly #carlos sainz fanfic #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #lewis hamilton #formula 1

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unrequitedloveletter · 1 year

Note

Hello Can you do a Poly one with Nikolai & Zoya fic it can be fluff with prompt 6 ? Where the reader has a crush on them

Recipe Box- poly! zoyalai x gn! reader

okay, hi! First ever poly fic of any kind. I've debated writing poly fics before but I've never actually done it so this was next level nervewracking for me and I hope it's decent.

I'm sorry it took me so long to see the requests you've sent in, things get buried in my inbox really quick and this request was no exception for a bit, but dear nonnie, I hope you like this in spite of how long it took me to get this out!

The prompt you requested was fluff prompt six: “Character A wanted me to give this to you,” Character B said.

Fic type- fluff with so much yearning

Warnings- none

You found yourself laughing at Tamar and Tolyas bickering as the three of you moved through the hallways of the Grand Palace, a discussion picking up and dropping in brief moments as the end of the day drew nearer.

The time after the war was tough, the adjustments necessary difficult ones to make and the grief for those you’d lost immense and painful. Nikolai plunged into his kingly duties after he was crowned, Zoya took up the creation and the maintenance of her garden, you took to baking and the twins to sparing to sharpen their already sharp skills.

Tolya and Tamar became members of Nikolais guard, working for him as they’d once worked for Alina and her sun cult. You almost took up a position alongside them, one offered to you by Nikolai after the war, but you refused. Despite it, finding the twins was always easy, striking a conversation with them easier even still.

You’d taken up working in the kitchens, making the menus for the week and putting effort into baking during your off time so that Genya and Zoya could always have the sweet pastries they liked at the drop of a hat and, selfishly, because baking had always been therapeutic for you.

Baking brought you plenty more joy than being on the sea did, but in the days of the war, being on a ship crew meant easy money, and easy money was good enough for you back then, while you worked on the Volkvolny with Nikolai as the captain.

You met Zoya in those times, too, so you wouldn’t’ve counted the war as an entirely dreadful time. You’d fallen for Nikolai when you worked on the ship alongside him, fallen for Zoya as you fought at her side against the Darkling. You had crushes on them for two years, and at that rate, it never seemed like the feelings you held would quite escape you.

So, as you approached the war room with Tamar and Tolya, you were relaxed. It'd been your day off but you'd baked throughout it even still, and you'd dropped a basket of sweet pastries at Genya and Davids door in the hour before you found yourself where you were, with Tamar and Tolya at your sides as you walked them to the war room before you would either head to your room or to the palace library, where you grab a book and spend the next few nights reading.

Nikolai caught sight of you and grinned as you entered the room.

Tamar elbowed you lightly, shooting you a grin as your gaze met one of the people you’d been in love with for what sometimes felt like a thousand days.

“Every time,” she whispered. “Him and Zoya. Every bloody time, and still—fools. The lot of you.”

“Hey,” Nikolai greeted Tolya as you made a point of ignoring Tamars words simply for the fact that you didn’t believe them. “Alls well on the grounds?”

“No threats waiting to jump out and kill you,” Tamar said pointedly. “Grounds sweep was successful.”

Nikolai looked at you again, and seemed to remember something. You watched him pause for a moment before turning, picking up a small box and walking it over to you.

“Zoya wanted me to give this to you,” Nikolai said. “You bake in the kitchens a lot. Said it was recipe boxes with stuff you’d talked about.”

You grinned as you took the box, grin widening as you met his gaze. “Thank you,” you said, turning on your heel. “For delivering it, I suppose. I need to find her, give her my thanks.”

Nikolai nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Tamar, Tolya and I have much to discuss. I don’t know if I’ll see you again tonight, so goodnight, Y/N.”

You grinned. “Goodnight, Nikolai,”

And with that, you left, heart thrumming as you walked down the halls of the Grand Palace, a huge part of you hoping to see Zoya before you retired to your room for the night.

You ended up not seeing her, but you made a mental note to thank her for the very sweet gift when you would see her the following day, at the end of your shift in the kitchens and likely as she sat by a samovar of tea, either chatting with Genya and David or finding something to bicker about with Tolya or Nikolai.

It was something to which you looked forward immensely.

#nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov x reader #zoya nazyalensky x reader #poly! zoyalai x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix

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hayatheauthor · 3 months

Text

Update Regarding My Sudden Hiatus + Author/Publishing News

Guess who's back from the dead!

Jokes aside, I truly do feel terrible for going on hiatus without saying anything, and then I come back and see that I've hit 2k (which btw is absolutely amazing and left me shell-shocked) and that just made me feel worse for leaving unannounced. So, here's everything that's been going on:

(click read more if you want to learn about my experience at my first writer's workshop & pitching to an agent ++ publishing updates for The Traitor's Throne)

If you DON'T want to read more: long story short I'm back and will revamp this blog Monday onwards.

Would you look at that I'm finally getting the hang of Tumblr etiquette!

Anyways, I know if I took the liberty of casually explaining everything we would just be here all day and I would ramble endlessly SO, I'm going to summarise everything into a list:

One of the biggest reasons for my departure was because *insert drum roll* I graduated! That's right, your girl is officially a diploma holder and ready to conquer college! Although I've seen the 'finals week or my final week' meme enough times to start questioning what I signed up for.

My writing life has been a little...disappointing. There's no other way to break it to you folks, but when I started this blog, I was knee-deep in the query trenches, and now, I'm still there. Does that suck? Yes. Am I going to give up? Absolutely not! BUT I do have some changes planned:

I've officially decided if this final shot at traditional publishing doesn't do well, I'm going to give in and self-publish The Traitor's Throne in May-June 2024. Which means you might potentially be able to purchase my baby pretty soon!

BUT I decided to give querying one last shot and actually joined a writer's workshop (which is going on as we speak btw). I joined the online Boston Writing Workshop, I'll drop a review on that on Sunday, but so far I've actually learned A LOT from it, and have decided to give querying another go while implementing what I've learned. Dw I'll also be putting out a review about the workshop on Sunday.

So, here's a summary: I've created a self-publishing deadline for my current project while also giving traditional publishing a final shot. I also joined my first ever writer's workshop this weekend and will be pitching to agents for the first time.

Overall, I think my lack of success in the querying scene kind of made me feel like a fraud when giving writing advice. I'm the type of author who does A LOT of research when I write, which is why I have so many tips on so many topics, but that doesn't make me an expert.

This workshop especially made me realise I've been making some rookie mistakes and focused so much on my story that I forgot the query and synopsis are just as important. Maybe this realisation came too late and I've lost my chance of traditionally publishing The Traitor's Throne, but I am grateful for everything it's taught me.

ANYWAYS—see what I meant by we'd be here the whole day if I didn't use a list??

Let's get back to the important stuff; yes, I will start putting out blogs again, and answering my asks. I'm also thinking of launching a beta reader project where I'll beta read some of your works for free! Stay tuned to see that announcement since it'll come soon.

Thank you so much for supporting this silly little blog of mine, and I hope you have a good weekend! As always, I'll see you on Monday! 💕✨

#hayatheauthor #haya sameer #writing community #haya's book blog #writing tools #writer things #haya blogs #writer community #writing advice #writer tips #querying process #querying #querying agents #haya: talks #haya: navi

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batrachised · 6 months

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and so we come to the end of Jane of Lantern Hill!

Before I get into the somewhat wincingly bad ending, I'd like to mull over my personal journey with the book out loud, because what is tumblr for if not for navel gazing.

It sounds odd, but for all I've read this book a thousand times before, I had actually never picked up on a lot of what the book club has discussed. I found this book at an age I don't remember, but it was young, and I was glued to it after that and reread it so many times with that first framing. If you had asked me to describe Lantern Hill before the book club, I would have immediately pointed to those chapters in the middle where Jane is thriving, happy with a dad who understands her, her foot on her native heath. In all honesty, I barely registered the existence of Robin. I had my problems with her, but was fairly neutral on her overall because to me the book was so entirely about Jane's experience on PEI. While I knew the book had this disparity between intent and execution in some places, they were in the places I never really looked at twice.

Reading this book so slowly this time around with so many different perspectives was very entertaining lol, most especially because there were so many wildly different opinions, and often on things I had never thought through deeply myself. Robin is the best example of that. And honestly, it's changed my love for the book-not in a way that dampens it, but in a way that gives me a new appreciation. I remember thinking of Jane as a very simple book when I read it over a decade ago for the first time; it's only now with the book club that I'm grasping how truly complex it, and its characters, are. In many ways, there aren't easy answers here.

In the end, I really like a line from a review I read the other day: this is a book whose heart does not lie in the ending. That reflects my personal reaction to the novel perfectly. To me, this book was always about Jane finding her spot on PEI, probably because of the age I first read it. Jane's adventures in homemaking are cozy and satisfying and heartwarming, and they made me want to have a little kitchen and struggle with donuts and learn how to garden.

That being said, the overarching plot and its sad clown honk of an ending can't be ignored. I actually think Robin and Andrew rushing back into each other's arms makes sense for the characters, even if it's very rushed because they're insane. However, it's also emblematic of all the problems they had before, and indicates these problems will continue. LMM does set up them up for success in that (1) Andrew apologizes and overcomes his pride (2) Robin stands up to the grandmother. However, it's more than a little slapdash. Then there's the ultimate parentification of Jane, albeit self-parentification. I do think Jane thinking she'd communicate for her parents is Jane's potentially flawed reading...but I don't think LMM meant it to be flawed sklsksl. This is where I say for me, the book ends with the chapter before, because for me, the book is about Jane's emotional arc. While I do like that the parents get back together, I don't think LMM earns this ending.

All of the discussion from the book club has been delightful, and a dream come true. There are some points raised that I'm still thinking over, and will still be thinking over for a while. so i'll end this post by thanking everyone who participated by posting and sharing posts - it was a ball, and all of ya'll know your onions <3

#the ultimate compliment i promise #as for the ending -the line about robin and andrew being young lovers again...girlie is that a GOOD thing??#we know what they were like as young lovers #i do like the ending if I squint at it but the problem is lmm squinted at it too #lantern hill book club

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lintujoki · 2 months

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Silence fell in the musty, dirty corridors of Subterranean-Shunning Grounds. To those who have recently come here, it would seem unusual if they had the strength to experience something other than bone-chilling horror. The whole body were shaking, the heart was like a drum, even for those who were not here for the first time - the feelings experienced by each Omen during the next "raid". The voices of the lepers, often howling in agony and weakness, fell silent. Perhaps their bodies will soften in the drains, not yet picked up by anyone. It's a matter of time, soon the accursed will rise from hiding, and if they don't have time, then the rats will "take care" of the corpses and will eat enough. Both used the dead for the same purpose, but some of the Omens said that it's better to be eaten by their fellows than by rodents. However, when the time comes, it won't matter.

Mohg opened the door, which had begun to decompose from moisture, and looked around warily, craning his neck. There was no one outside, only the blood, which covered the walls and floor in wide splashes, imprinted in the memory of what had happened, as if it was still happening.

"No one" - the child concluded.

- Put something under the door. I think they'll be coming out soon too.

Mohg nodded and placed a beam that had broken off from an unnamed structure between the handles. This would not save them from the attackers, probably Morgott just wished that the room would become a secluded place for the two of them at least for a while and no strangers would disturb the peace.

- Morgott... are you okay? - Mohg could clearly see his brother's anxiety. Worried, he always tried to hide, at least ostensibly, just by pressing himself against the wall, besides, his tail was quivering and fluffed up.

- Did they hurt you? - Mohg continued, sitting down carefully.

When the twins were smaller, they were more successful at hiding from the Omenkillers - they could even hide in a box. With age, it became more difficult - pipes, lower sewer levels are used, which can hardly be called safe, but even meeting with a huge crayfish seemed a better option than with ruthless killers. At least, the first ones don't always attack.

- It's all right - Morgott said in a half-whisper, as if he was still waiting for a trap.

- Don't you need my help? If so, just tell me...

- No, no, please - Morgott closed his lips and grimaced.

Knowing perfectly well what was meant by the words "my help", he didn't want his brother to hurt himself again because of him.

- This is not required now. I'm just... I'm sorry you had to take the risk because of me. At least one of us has to move on, and you know who.

This time, Morgott was unlucky to be caught by the Omenkiller. The feeling of a rough grip on the hair still did not leave, sending nerve impulses. An attempt to hit with a spiked tail turned out to be a failure - they held him tightly and pulled on themselves, as if trying to break his neck, he couldn't even really move.

Perhaps he would have bled to death by now, and his horns would have been chopped off by grotesque weapons made from it, if Mohg hadn't helped. At that moment, his own skin was the least of his worries, and Morgott's words made his chest tighten. What's the point of surviving if he's left alone?

- Stop.

Mohg squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

- I can't listen to this.

- Forgive me.

Thoughts gnawing at the mind, about how he don't want to be a burden, and that even a deathbed fear would be more merciful than an endless feeling of worthlessness and defenselessness - probably it's all from a lot of anxiety. Not something to depress Mohg who is already forced to bear a huge responsibility.

- I'll figure something out, we'll figure it out. Whatever it takes, I promise you won't stay here. We will be together, happy, I know!

Sometimes Morgott wondered if his twin was convinced of this himself or if he was just comforting. "Happiness for Omens" sounded like something magical. If earlier Morgott liked to dream with his brother about the world they would create together, and, overcoming a painful weakness, painted this fairy tale on the walls of the sewer, now everything seemed like a fantasy. He wanted to believe it, but reality dictated otherwise.

- Morgott... - usually, "my dearest" was added after. Mohg stopped, touching Morgott's cheeks and tousled strands with his fingers.

In response, the twin timidly stretched out his arms and hugged his brother with the tail, silently expressing acceptance and a desire to protect.

Nothing else brought such joy. Flames seemed to light up in Mohg's eyes, and it was getting warmer inside. He looked into twin's eternally sad golden-honey eyes and froze, stroking the skin with his thumbs. Morgott is a true enchantment, the embodiment of the purity and strength of life of their blood ties. "What's the point of being and fighting if I'm left alone?" - It echoed again.

#elden ring #art #traditional art #fandom #morgott the omen king #morgott #morgott the grace given #mohg lord of blood #mohg #angst #not very positive art #the text is too big #thank you if you really read this 💓

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staytinyville · 6 months

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Felix

PLEASE REFER TO MASTERLIST TO GET FULL TAROT READING EXPERIENCE

↣ Summary: You lived in a village that were not strangers to the magic of the world. Half of them were magical creatures themselves. However they all kept to themselves and to their own kind. But seeing as you are one of the kindest humans of all you couldn’t help but to get the attention of a certain fairy.

↣ Characters/Pairing: Lee Felix x gn!reader

↣ Genre: fluff

↣ AU/Trope info: human!reader, fairy!felix, meadow!au

↣ Word Count: 1.1k

↣ Warnings: None

↣ A/N: The sun card is a card largely associated with your inner child. I really loved that Felix got this card honestly. TBH each member who got like the big three (The Sun, The Moon, and The Star) are all the members who are considered sunshines of the groups. The ones who make people smile a lot.

THE SUN

Positivisty, Warmth, Fun, Success, Vitality

The Sun is a card that tells you that you are a sunshine to the world. Wherever it is you go, the sun is sure to follow. It is also meant to help you through tough times. The joy you bring for others is you greatest strength.

If things are tough right now, the Sun is here to tell you that the night will end and the day will come. Your tough times are coming to an end that's all you need to know.

Use your emphatic abilities to instill hope and joy in others that flock around you. Be sure to keep some for yourself though. Burning out from having to cater to others is a thing.

XIX THE SUN

You had always enjoyed the small things in life. Like how the flowers bloomed in the mornings or how the hummingbirds would come around in the evening for a sip of their nectar. You would spend your entire time outside of the house so long as the sun allowed you. Because of this the creatures that surrounded you were always at your doorsteps waiting for you to give them something.

Your favorite were the fairies that would come to your garden and leave gifts for you. There was one though that you seemed to fall in love with. It was how they always gave you poems or flowers you liked so much. It was with their words and actions that you found yourself wanting to speak with them everyday.

How do you know all my favorite things?

You had written to them, it being the only way the both of you communicated.

You must be watching me. I wish to meet you. If that is alright.

He would send you a letter back and hide it between your rose bushes, keeping it safe from intruding animals that might take it before you had the chance of finding it.

I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that. What I would give to be able to see you in person.

He wrote back to you one day. Your shoulders had sagged and it seemed as though you were upset with the whole ordeal. But you knew there were rules to follow–especially for a fairy. So you continued sending letters, happy with each piece of paper that you would find.

Then you will be my secret to have.

My fairy in the garden.

By the time you had realized it, you had been sending letters to your garden fairy for two months. In that time there was this group of boys that you had met in the village. They weren’t always there when you would go down but when they were it was always a great time to spend with them.

You had clicked with one of them, calling him sunshine. His friends would tease him but you would always reassure him that it made him all that more adorable. It fit his character and you enjoyed that so much about him. He brought out something in you that made you enjoy your time spent in the sun all that much more.

You realized that you were growing feelings for him, feeling a bit worried about your garden fairy. There wasn’t much you knew about fae folk but you still couldn’t help but enjoy your little secret with one.

I met this boy. His name is Felix.

You wrote to your garden fairy.

He is so kind and generous.

He gave me the same flowers you have.

He says he has a garden full of them.

The letter you got back made you smile and feel a bit better. You didn’t want to forget about them, enjoying them too much to just give them up. You loved their gifts and their attention. They made you find your inner child that made you realize how beautiful things were when you knew where to look.

You are a sunshine to be with my love.

Any boy would be lucky to be with you.

I'm sure this Felix cares deeply.

They gave you no reason to think that they weren’t happy for you. In fact they tried to tell you that whatever it was you chose it would be the right one. You were happy to know they supported what you wanted. It made you a bit sad to know they would probably never show themselves to you. But that was a part of life. Moving on to the next chapter.

I don't want to forget about you.

You are my first love.

“Hi, Felix.” You smiled brightly as you saw the boy looking over your garden. “What are you doing?”

His smile brought a warm feeling into your chest. He was someone who just brought so much joy to the people around him it was hard not to smile back. He was someone who was beautiful inside and out. He was truly a lucky person to have as a friend.

“I'm just looking at your garden.” He giggled, gesturing to your roses where you had the gift boxes for the fairies. “It's so lovely.” He looked down at it, a small smile on his face as he seemed to be reminiscing.

“It's my fairy garden.” You exclaimed, moving to brush some of the brushes to the side to show him the small homes you had put out for them.

You didn’t know if they used them or not but with the gifts most of them left you, you figured they knew all about your little set up.

“Fairy?” He asked, watching over your shoulder.

“It's where I give to all the fairies in the area.” You explained. “They come and take. Sometimes they leave things for me.”

His eyes were gleaming in the sun as you watched him. A blush seemed to overtake your cheeks the more you took him in. And the small smile he gave you as you explained your small space made your heart flutter.

Glancing down to his hand you noticed that he had an envelope in his hand. “Do you need to take that somewhere?” You asked him.

“Not at all.” He softly told you, holding it out to you. “It's—it's for you.”

You looked at him confused for a moment, before taking a hold of the paper. You could easily figure out where the paper had come from. And the handwriting was one you knew all too well. Reading over the one simple sentence that was written neatly in the middle of the page, your breath got caught in your throat.

“Felix?” Your lips trembled, looking up at him with watering eyes as your emotions overcame you. “You're my fairy in the garden?” You asked him softly.

“I'm sorry I couldn't tell you earlier.” He smiled, his own eyes shining with tears as he was finally happy to get the chance to tell you in person. “You know how my kind can be. But my coven mates told me to take the chance. So I wanted to finally tell you.”

You laughed, letting the paper fall to the ground as you giggled into Felix’s ear from where you had pulled him into a hug. His deep laugh rang through your head, making you even more happier. He quickly wrapped his arms around your waist and twirled you around in a circle.

Hopefully you first and last.

Tags : @cultofdionysusnet , @sandsofire , @k-vanity

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bengiyo · 5 months

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Cooking Crush Ep 1 Stray Thoughts

I can’t believe they would put out different versions of an OffGun show, and on WeTV of all platforms. I’m so salty about it. I am watching the WeTV version.

I’m so glad I finished Theory of Love before this. I can comment on how Gun looks more toned.

Okay, hold on, this fried pork toast sounds like a solid concept, especially with this soup on the side.

I wanna talk to some Thai graduates about their schooling system. Prem went to school to become a chef and basically didn’t get to do that for two years?

I see you, cameraman going for a crotch shot on Gun.

RIP to these onions, but hello to this Meet Cute.

Dish 1 – Tom Kha Gai Brings You to Me. This feels in line with an OffGun show.

We just got started and already we have Gun doing the cold shower dance.

I’m very much looking forward to seeing Gun play with his actual sister as a sibling in this show.

DADDY ISSUES

Oh, lol, nevermind. Prem is just dramatic about not working in a kitchen. Ignore my earlier comment about the school system.

I’m so glad Dome gets to play a bestie with Gun.

Prem is feisty. I hope he decks someone in this show.

Off is legitimately so funny.

NEO!!!!!!

I’ve only had Aungpao as Dynamite for 10 minutes, but if anything were to happen to him I would destroy this show and then myself.

I hope Samsi and Ten’s friend interact a lot in this show.

Kind of excited to see Neo and Off work together beyond a brief cameo in Midnight Hotel.

Damn, did he have to pass the ball that hard?

BLs are always making me hungry. It’s also cold today. I want some soup!

I think the instructor is harsh, but I get it.

So he passed out and still feels dizzy? I’m going to need Prem to get himself checked out immediately.

I’m so proud of this show for showing him microwaving the soup. I would have been so bothered if we watched him knowingly eat cold soup.

What in the Food Wars is this reaction?

Neo is good. I like that they paired him with a new actor in a side ship in an OffGun vehicle. They’re setting Aungpao up for success. Neo has never not had chemistry with anyone at GMMTV.

Wound tending, my beloved.

No wonder Fire can’t approach his crush. He’s terrified of his mom.

I love Dynamite. Giving this boy his number instead of Jane’s was the obvious play and Fire totally missed it.

Is Prem’s cooking often not good, or is this part of the opposite/teasing thing?

Okay, they're just teasing.

I hope the reminder to pay her tuition fees is only meant as an offhand comment about the sister's behavior.

Welp, the problems continue to mount for Prem. Again, I don't think the professor is wrong to enforce a consequence here, but damn.

This "please" is taking me back to Jan in TonhonChonlatee...

I hope we return to this tub imagery for every dish.

I like that Prem owns his starting line. He has big aspirations, but he's not delusional about his current skills.

Oh this is a smart preview. Ten is here to cook for a girl he likes, and Prem will be here to cover for his sister losing the aforementioned tuition fees. This is solid.

This was a solid start. Off remains gifted at comedy, and it's fun to see him and Gun together again in a romcom. I'm already in love with Aungpao, happy about seeing Neo and Dome, and generally enjoying the cast of characters. I still hate this situation with WeTV, but I'm here.

#cooking crush #cooking crush the series #thai bl #bl series #Ben watches

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butchsophiewalten · 10 months

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Findjackwalten 07/14/23 Update Walkthrough

Last night Findjackwalten updated! We've got one page update and two new pages. Let's start:

Findjackwalten.com

Our main page has updated! Jack and Rose's pictures are gone, and the whole page is greyed out now as opposed to being red. The shutdown text has changed to read "You just couldn't stay home, could you?". The play button here still works, with all new audio. It's a car radio, first it's an afternoon weather report, then just some talk radio intermission, and then it's music. There's also car noise, tires on asphalt, chair squeaks, turn signal, and general Car Creaking.

I've already seen some people theorize that this is audio from Felix's drive home after the crash, but that doesn't make a lot of sense to me since that's already what Guilty is. Feels redundant, as much as I love the idea of Felix driving home listening to Yummy Yummy Yummy by Ohio Express.

Findjackwalten.com/martinguaridasecretanoentrar

This page's URL and title is in Spanish. It just means "Martin secret lair do not enter" and the title "q pasa tia" in this context is like, "whats up, girl?". Kinda gossipy. Meant to invoke a vibe that you're being let in on a secret.

The top of this page reads "92%", referring probably to the percentage of TWF4 that is completed. The rest of the page contains "3 funny walten facts" Which are:

"Bon the rabbit was originally called Bon the Dancing Hare by Jack, ultimately Felix vouched against that because Rabbit sounds friendlier."

This is so fun to me! I did always think Bon was pretty hare-like. Funny that Jack wanted Bon to be a Jackrabbit. Also I can't believe "Bon The Dancing Rabbit" is still real. It's been so long since I've heard anybody call him that I kinda figured it was retconned.

"During the late 70s, BSI expanded further than restaurant chains, the showstoppers became famous for way different products such as random merch, plushies, furniture, toys, watches, bed sheets, lanterns, masks, lamps, toilet seats. BSI most succesful product was "Showstopper's Comedy Extravaganza", a 1977 animated TV show that ran for 3 seasons and was cancelled in the 1979's to make room for a "bigger project". it is unknown what was the cause for BSI to milk the showstopper franchise to that extent, what was the money for?"

This is something we sorta already knew? Relocate Project implied this sort of thing But I guess we didn't really know how successful their merch ventures were until now. Turns out, they were pretty successful! The "Showstopper's Comedy Extravaganza" thing is crazy to me though, three seasons? That 'what was the money for?' comment is also very ominous. It makes me think of the planned relaunch of Bon's Burgers but considering how vague the comment is and how the Bon's Burgers relaunch was something we already knew about, I'm wondering if it's something else.

"Sophie lived on the back of a meat store for the better part of 3 years, she managed."

How do I even comment on this. This is just so fucked. It makes me sick to my stomach. She was homeless for three years? Homeless? For three years? As a teenager? I feel like i'm undergoing hitherto unexperienced Sophie Emotions. What the hell do I even say.

Findjackwalten.com/btscene

Just a whole page of behind the scenes stuff! This is also hard to comment on, really. It'd be easiest if you just went and looked at everything yourself.

There's a little play button here with Anything Goes by Cole Porter, but I think it's been edited to sound more echo-y. Like it's being played in a big empty room, but also like the next room over? I've listened to a few versions of this song before but none that sound quite like this. This is also the song that's referenced lyrically in the new years 2022 version of /investigation1, with this bit of writing:

A decent bit of the stuff on this page is from the old Patreon, but not all of it, or even like, half of it. And some stuff (like the blue and purple Felix drawing) is old concept art that had been shared in the Discord server before.

#the walten files #sorry this is written like. more casually than a lot of my update walkthroughs #it's just really difficult to talk about this update very matter-of-factly because it's so self-explanatory. lol

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aseriesofunfortunatejan · 6 months

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Something that makes Fukawa even more relatable to me in Danganronpa Another Episode is her frustration that Komaru keeps saying "she can't do anything because she's just a normal girl, she's not great like her".

It seems obvious to the player that when Komaru says this, it's completely unfair: we know Fukawa to be a struggling mess. But what makes it clear is that Komaru already used this argument before she knew Fukawa was an Ultimate. It was never a fair comparison, it was never about being impressed that she's an Ultimate: she always used this as a tool to put herself down.

Komaru knows Fukawa has DID, she also knows she's deathly terrified of the dark. She sees her being messy in those moments. But it doesn't matter, because she's already decided that Fukawa is stronger than her.

This is something I always go through. For some reason, those around me, my friends, always decide that things are somehow easier for me. Oftentimes because I present myself as an emotionally mature individual, sometimes because there are specific things I'm good at (and as much as this sounds like nothing but a quality, it also happens to be a criterion for certain diagnoses - and "specific" bears a lot of the weight). My successes aren't because of my hard work, they're because I'm naturally good, naturally the smartest, naturally the strongest. Those sound so much like compliments they easily go unchecked, and yet, they're extremely dismissive of my reality.

On one hand because it doesn't matter how much I'm struggling, people will not help me because they think I have it figured out somehow. (Because I'm so smart and always in control.) On the other, my successes are turned against me - I can't support a friend going through something I have experience with "because they can't do these things, they were easy for me because I'm so smart and so strong, but they're normal so they can't." Which is completely untrue.

Which is extremely hurtful. Those times in my life I suffered immensely, I felt lost and alone, are dismissed as easy - for me, though. Not for them.

Those struggles I have that I work through, it turns out I supposedly don't really have, because it's easy for me to get through them - it's difficult for them, though.

It's frustrating. It's frustrating because people are refusing your help, it's frustrating because they're dismissing your struggles. The traumas I overcame are an important part of who I am, but this rhetoric dismisses them. The struggles I work through everyday are inherent to my experience, but to this rhetoric, they don't exist.

It's evident that Fukawa is traumatised and that she struggles everyday, but Komaru has convinced herself that still, she's fine. It's easy for her. She's hurting both herself and Fukawa in the process. This is very realistic and relatable. She thinks she's only putting herself down, but she's really dismissing the both of them.

To come back to the example of people putting themselves down, comparing themselves to abilities that I do have - re: the criterion for diagnosis - I'm still shaken by a time when a friend of mine, who had always talked about how much he wanted to organise his own RP, which I always said I wanted to be a part of, when he finally did, never told me about it. He organised and started it without telling me a word about it. I was so shocked, and so hurt, when he randomly brought up that they were midway through it, seemingly unaware that I would feel extremely rejected. I thought it meant he didn't like me. It turned out it was because he thought I was so good at writing that his story was beneath my level and it would be insulting to invite me to it. This friend of multiple years saw me as a good writer more than he saw me as a friend. It wasn't the compliment he thought it was. It's not like he engages actively with my writing either - it's a story he largely made up in his head, to put himself down, using a glimpse of my abilities as a tool. Now imagine if Fukawa finally made a friend who liked literature and writing, and they didn't invite her to their event.

#danganronpa #jan essay #drae #danganronpa another episode

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